Chapter Text
Yoongi likes to think that life is cruel to him, what with all the projects and assignments and so little time to finish them. Or, if he focuses on then as much as he focuses on his songs, maybe life wouldn't be so cruel. But he doesn't, and he's too stubborn to change his ways.
Case in point, it's two in the morning, he has a ten page essay on Audio Design due in two days, but he's passed out on his table before his computer, the half-completed song playing on repeat in his headphones.
He's lucky that he has Seokjin, because the next morning he finds himself on his bed, the half-edited file carefully saved into his folder.
He would trust Seokjin with his password, really. That's how much he believes in him. But they aren't even friends. Hell, all they are is roommates.
(Yoongi ignores the nagging of his heart that he wants then to be more than that.)
"What time is it?" He asks, still half-asleep as he lets out a wide yawn.
"Late, if you want a vague answer." Seokjin replies, packing his bag already. Yoongi hates that his roommate his punctual; makes him feel like he's a lazy bum or something. "Precisely it's... 7:35 in the morning."
"... Shit," He wrestles his way out of the bed, kicking the sheets away and rushes to the bathroom.
He does not hear Seokjin snicker behind his back.
The first thing that Yoongi sees as he steps outside the bathroom is the clock. It shows 7:12, and he's confused for a minute before he realizes.
Seokjin. Doing that 'mom' trick where they'd tell the wrong time on purpose.
"Kim Seokjin," he grunts, but there's a smile making its way to his face. "I'll get you someday."
• ☆ •
The thing about Seokjin is that he might look all bright and carefree, but that's just a small mask he puts on at times.
Yoongi knows Seokjin, and he pretends he doesn't notice Seokjin sitting up and awake most nights, sometimes crying, sometimes looking out the window. But he didn't sleep, and Yoongi didn't sleep either. He didn't bother him. They were just rommates.
Yoongi also knows that Seokjin doesn't like to tell anyone about his problems. With age, there's a part of you that opposes every decision you make, every thought you think. It's like having an enemy, but its yourself. Yoongi knows it because he too, like a normal human, struggles with it everyday.
Yoongi admires Seokjin. He admires Seokjin for the way he deals with his problems, for the way he comes over his insecurities by himself, for the way he cares for himself. Because Yoongi surely doesn't care about himself.
Yoongi also knows that Seokjin doesn't deserve anything else but the best.
That is why when Seokjin comes back to their dorm at one in the morning, drunk till his throat and passes out right as Yoongi opens the door, something strikes his heart.
(Is that pain? Nope. Yoongi's delusional. Yeah, he is...)
"Hyung?" Yoongi asks confusedly, but Seokjin replies with only a weak smile, so Yoongi's confused even more. "Hyung, what happened? Seokjin hyung?"
He just whines in response, and Yoongi has no way to get something out of him.
Or, maybe there was.
"Yoongi," Seokjin drawls just as Yoongi flops him on his bed, panting from dragging the elder all the way. "Yoongi, why am I always the one to get hurt?"
"Hm?" Yoongi asks, and Seokjin chuckles weakly, grabbing onto Yoongi's collar and no, no no no no--
"Do I look that easy? Or am I really that easy to play around with?"
"Hyung, you need to tell me what happened"
"Hyosang--" He hiccups, and following it is an onslaught of tears.
(Hyosang may or may not be dead the next morning. Yoongi makes no promises.)
It takes a few minutes to calm Seokjin down, and Yoongi's not really sure what happened for him to cry like his world had ended (exaggeration), but he knows one thing: he doesn't like it.
But there's nothing he can do. After all, they're just roommates.
(Seokjin wakes up the next morning to a pounding headache and Yoongi next to him, and he doesn't deny that his heart might be going a little crazy. Just a little, mind you.)
• ☆ •
Seokjin meets Hyosang after a week, and notices the swelling on his left cheek.
He had come to this weird acceptance of being casual friends with Hyosang, because he isn't that cruel to stop talking to him altogether. He isn't gonna act like the actors in the clichè drama he and Yoongi had binge watched one Vacation night, when none of them had returned to their homes.
"Whatever happened to you?" He asks as he settles his bag on the table. In the corner of his eye, he sees someone familiar sneak away.
"You're asking that?" Hyosang scoffs. "Sending out him at me?"
"Send out who?" He asks with confusion.
"Stop acting like you don't know, Kim Seokjin"
... Okay. "I really don't know. What happened?"
"Wait, so you didn't tell Yoongi?"
"What are you talking about?" Seokjin asks, and there might be a bit of excitement in his voice.
"No, he-- I thought he came because you told him!"
"Told him what?" He's getting a little frustrated now. "Can you just get to the point already?"
"You didn't tell him to punch me?"
... He did not expect this. "No?"
Hyosang scrunches his face up, making Seokjin laugh a bit at the hilarious expression. It makes Hyosang smile, although he doesn't show it.
Behind them, Yoongi watches with a smirk. Hyosang kind of deserves it, for making the elder cry. He's content with what he did. Although he is to face a slaughter of questions later, he can bear it.
"So," Seokjin starts one evening, the conversation Yoongi has been trying to avoid for three days now.
"So?" Yoongi asks, acting oblivious and putting his headphones on. "I'm kinda busy right now, hyung"
"Thank you," Seokjin says, abd that confuses Yoongi more than anything. "For, you know, punching that asshole"
Yoongi fakes a cough, eyes wide and words stuck in his throat. "Wh-What are you talking about?"
"Stop trying to act like you don't know, Yoongi. And no, I'm not going to tell anything bad. Thanks?"
Yoongi stares at Seokjin for a few long minutes, and a switch goes off in his head.
He doesn't look at Seokjin, his roomate, but at Seokjin, the boy without who Yoongi's life would be empty. Not Seokjin the roommate, but maybe Seokjin the lifemate. He chokes internally at the sudden change, but keeps a straight face.
Someone give him a damn Oscar award.
"You're welcome," He turns away at lightning speed, hoping that his big ass headphones will cover his blushing cheeks.
(It doesn't. He kinda hates himself for being so pale.)
• ☆ •
They're in third year of college now, both busy with their respective streams and personal lives. But they've come to a strange agreement of being room-friends-- more than just roommates, but something less than friends.
Every night, they would make a hour free to talk their problems out, to relieve their stress. It isn't that effective, but it's something.
Yoongi is working on his assignment on a classical piece, and is cracking his head for a nice theme to follow the music. Seokjin is working on his own review-essay on a movie.
"Say," Yoongi looks up at Seokjin's voice. "How about we get a drink?"
Yoongi contemplates. It isn't getting a drink that matters to him, it's getting the said drink with Seokjin that matters.
He nods anyway.
That is how they end up with around eight empty beer cans, both drunk but still very much aware of things. Assigments are long forgotten as Seokjin rambles on about how he and his childhood friend used to steal candies from the small shop around the corner.
"Good times, Yoongi. Those were really good times," He chuckles and leans back on the couch.
"The past is always a good time, hyung" Yoongi replies after a sip from his can of beer.
"No, some times it isn't" Seokjin sighs, and Yoongi knows what he's talking about.
"You know," he starts, changing the subject. He doesn't really like Seokjin being sad. "I'm glad I got you as my roommate. No one would fit perfectly like you,"
"Me too"
And everything goes silent to the point where they can hear each other's breaths. It's heavy, filled with unsaid words and gestures and expressions, waiting to be said out loud. Although what those words are, is a mystery to be unfolded.
He chooses to stare at the table lamp, sipping carefully from his can when he feels a weight on his shoulder. He finds Seokjin passed out, snuggling to comfort in his shoulder, and Yoongi wonders yet again if he would be lucky to feel this forever.
He might be really, really in love with Seokjin. But all they are is roommates.
"Finally over with college, huh?" Seokjin asks as soon as he sees Yoongi in the dorm room, half of his things already packed in a suitcase. Yoongi wasn't really a man of that much material except when it came to music equipment, so his things were very easy to fit in a few suitcases. "You're the one really looking like you wanna get out of here"
"Can't wait," Yoongi smiles as he fits yet another tee in the suitcase. "But my train isn't until a couple of days later"
"Oh, I'm leaving the next morning," Seokjin chimes, frowning at the mess of his wardrobe. "Gotta make the best of my holidays before I come back for work,"
"Oh," is all Yoongi says.
Truth is, he isn't happy that college ended, because the end of it means the end of seeing Seokjin, listening to him, laughing with him. Just everything about him and Seokjin comes to an end, and he doesn't want it to end. For once, he wants this chapter of his life to continue. Being an explorer, Yoongi is always up for changing lives, but this time, he wishes it would stay like this.
But, as everything in the world, this comes to an end too, and Yoongi knows it more than anyone else.
After all, they're just roommates.
(Yoongi would swear that he wants to be more than that, but he's worried if he would ruin the harmony between them.)
"Farewell to college, once and for all!"
Yoongi clinks his glass against a number of others, happy that he's over with college now. He had got an internship at a quite big company after his audition, and he's pretty sure he's going to make it big.
("Overconfidence isn't good for your health, Yoongs," Seokjin had said.
"Fuck off," Yoongi had replied.)
And he's sure his heart will heal as time passes; he's long ago admitted to the fact that he's in love with Seokjin, even with knowing that it probably won't end well. After all, he realized how much he loves him only after Seokjin had already been hurt by the same thing.
"How about a game of truth or dare?" Someone from amidst the crowd yells and no, Yoongi isn't ready because he knows there'll be at least one question about a crush or a love. He doesn't want to answer that, doesn't think he will ever want to.
Especially when said person is Seokjin. Who's right beside him.
He's pretty sure Seokjin isn't ready to date anyone any time soon, not after his breakup which led him to this... weird belief that love isn't something that comes at an instant, or something that lasts.
(Yoongi's sure both are wrong. He wants to prove it, too, but damn his self. Damn his pathetic self which doesn't want to ruin the only relationship he had with Seokjin.)
Someone drags him to the table, and he realizes that it's Seokjin, muttering 'It'll be so fun,' and Yoongi's pretty sure there's a smirk he can't see on Seokjin's face.
But it's too late, and not as the bottle spins around, so does his awareness with every shot-glass kept before him. He's drunk, drunk beyond wits, and he doesn't think it's the right time to play a game like Truth or Dare.
He's pretty sure he's going to regret it later. No, he's definitely sure.
"Namjoon, your turn!" The girl in the middle yells, and Namjoon looks pretty flustered at his name being called out and the empty bottle pointing at him, almost accusingly. "Truth or dare?"
"Truth?" He laughs nervously.
"Okay, how many times have you fucked that junior student you tutor? Park Jimin, was it?"
"Hey!" He lashes out, and the crowd around them bursts into cute giggles. Yoongi hates being asked something so personal like that, but with his condition right now he'd most probably spill at least half of it. If he were in that position. "We don't do shit like that,"
"Okay, how many times have you even kissed?"
"N-None," Namjoon stutters, and Yoongi can tell even in his drunk state that he was lying.
"Liar," He blurts out, giggling like a damn school girl. Beside him, Seokjin is giggling into his neck, his breath tingling his neck and making him squirm. "You've definitely kissed the boy. You're whipped for him, don't lie"
"Okay, once. That's it. I hate you all," Namjoon feigns a frown as he spins the bottle next.
The point, fortunately or unfortunately, ends right in front of Yoongi.
"Aha! Truth or dare?" Namjoon asks with a smirk, happy that he's going to get back at him.
"Truth" Yoongi answers calmly.
"Tell me, there's someone you definitely like in this crowd. Who is it?"
The small crowd around them coos in approval, and Yoongi shakes his head. "No, Dare"
"Fine, kiss the one to your right"
"Namjoon, I swear to god. if you're doing this just because I called you out--"
"Either answer, or do the dare,"
Yoongi turns to his right, only to find Seokjin scrolling through his phone like he's oblivious to whatever was being said around him. He takes a loud, obvious gulp, shooting a fleeting glare at Namjoon before holding Seokjin's hand.
"Here's your Truth and Dare"
Maybe it's the alcohol in his system.
Yes, it's definitely the alcohol. There's no other way he'd be this courageous or this confident.
The next thing Yoongi knows, his lips meet Seokjin's, and the first thing he registers is his lips are so soft.
The crowd around them is straight up yelling now, but he's too into the kiss and Seokjin's too flustered to notice it. His left hand is reaching for Seokjin's face while the other reaches for his neck, deepening the kiss.
It's nice, it's all nice until he realizes that Seokjin isn't doing anything. It's nice till he realizes what he has done. Even with the knowledge that Seokjin didn't want anything to do with something like relationship right now, not after his only experience of it turning bitter enough, Yoongi had still went forward, took the first step that he was so hesitant to take for over a year.
It's nice till he realizes that time cannot be turned back.
"Okay, time's over loverboy," Someone pulls him away, and he's at the mood to break that guy's nose before he sees Seokjin's face.
He knows he fucked up.
• ☆ •
Morning rolls by, and Yoongi had never regretted waking up in a bright, sunny morning like that. He feels a headache make its way and he groans loudly, the bitter taste of bile all inside his mouth making him want to gag. The worst morning, and the worst hangover ever. He makes a mental vow to never drink again, or at least drink twenty shots of a mixture of 80 percent alcohol.
"I want to die," He turns around, finding Seokjin's bed empty. At once he shoots upright, looking around in confusion. Did Seokjin leave already? Didn't he say his ride was late in the morning, though? Yoongi looks at the clock which shows him a 7:32 in bold white.
"You're up," He's startled by Seokjin's voice that booms as soon as the door is opened, and falls off the bed. "That's a good hangover remedy, I think. Falling off your bed,"
"Very funny," Yoongi scoffs, sitting up and staring at the wall in a daze.
He's pretty sure he's missing something here.
"I bought your Iced Americano, a little bit extra sweet though" Seokjin places the cup of coffee on Yoongi's table and goes to his own bed, sitting on it very carefully. "I'll miss this"
"Miss what?"
"This... whole thing. The college, our late night walks, friends, just... everything and everyone," Seokjin chuckles, but there's a bitter tone to it. "I can't pinpoint to one thing in exact"
Yoongi nods. There's still something missing here, in this scene.
"About last night," Seokjin starts, and Yoongi frowns in confusion for a second before everything hits him like a harsh wave. He coughs awkwardly at the memory, choked on nothing.
"About... that," Yoongi coughs repeatedly, knowledge of his mother-tongue out of the window now. "I-- that-- didn't mean--"
"I get it, you were drunk and didn't know what to do," Seokjin nods to himself, eyes tightly shut, as if he's trying to deny whatever else that was coming to his mind. "You didn't want anyone to judge you for not doing it,"
... Yoongi isn't just frustrated, he's angry. Angry that Seokjin had brushed off something that was so heartfelt even if it was under the influence of alcohol as a mistake. Angry that Yoongi didn't want to deny that. Yoongi would be better off thinking that Seokjin saw it as nothing but a forced action, a platonic touch that would never mean anything, but something bubbles inside him at the same time.
Tell him how you feel,idiot, his conscience slaps him on the face, but he barely listens to it.
He's such a coward. A stupidly-in-love coward, a pathetic guy in love with his roommate but unable to tell it out loud.
"Yeah," He sighs, raking a hand through his hair, trying to keep himself in tact. "Hope you understand"
"As if we're ever going to see each other again"
That opens another wound in Yoongi's heart. He nods again, his free hand gripping onto the sheets behind his back. "Yeah."
"So..." Seokjin drags, and Yoongi just wants him to leave already; doesn't want to feel the pain all over again. It was enough for a day, he doesn't think he can hold himself any longer. "Goodbye, I guess"
He nods yet again, words escaping his mind along with his sensibility. He wants to throw the flower vase sitting behind Seokjin, tell him that he loves him to death, that he wants to prove Seokjin that love isn't something as bitter as his experience with it, that his love will be better than anyone else's in this universe. But all he does is nod, and nod, and nod until he feels like his neck is going to fall apart.
Seokjin chuckles, fumbling around for his phone and settling down with that, as if he didn't see Yoongi at all. As if they didn't talk about the awkwardness of last night. As if nothing happened.
Yoongi gets up silently, pulling his cardigan and slipping into his slippers before walking out, not bothering to look at Seokjin. He needed space to breathe, time to think and come to a conclusion. To come to terms with the fact that Seokjin would only ever be a one-sided crush. He doesn't want to be like Seokjin and think love is useless and just frustrating, but he can't help but feel that every experience with it just might be a bit bitter.
The bright sun welcomes his pitiful self, so does the birds and the clear, blue sky. Yoongi thinks whether the whole world is just mocking his pathetic love, as if nothing would change with his love. He hates it, hates it so much that he wants to throw himself away from the reality into somewhere he wants to be. A world which doesn't mock him, which doesn't tell him he's a coward for not confessing when it first hit him.
A world where Seokjin is with him.
But that doesn't happen; won't happen, so he just has to suck it up and stop feeling like crying all the time.
When he returns, Seokjin isn't there. He sinks into the mattress, blankly staring at the bed that used to be Seokjin's, now cleaned up without a hint of him anywhere.
He lets it all out. Hopes it is the last time something like this happens in his life.
He deems love to be something bittersweet, now.
• ☆ •
Yoongi grows out in a lot of ways except physically. He won't worry over it, though, for his achievements have took him to a place so high he couldn't even imagine when he was in college.
He's a prominent producer now, making super-hits for singers and making them big, indirectly making himself big. He loves it, the feel of success at his hands, buried in his equipment and his brain, his smart brain that people tell would bring a revolution soon. Yoongi likes to be humble and say no, that it's his own style rather than a revolution.
Yoongi is so high that he doesn't see anyone he used to see with ease in college. Namjoon was probably still an underground rapper, they barely keep contact. And he probably has his boyfriend, too. Most probably Jimin.
He isn't sure about Hoseok, because the last time he heard from him was when he was in the US at some dance studio. He had congratulated him, and that was that.
He has no clue about Seokjin, but he's okay with that. It's better this way. It's nice, actually, because he thinks Seokjin would never know that all the songs he writes are based off of his own bittersweet experience with love. He does write happy things, but it's buried under the loads of melancholy that he writes. He hopes Seokjin never knows.
So this is Yoongi's life: his studio, the paycheck he receives, and minimal socialization. He's content with it; doesn't complain much. He likes it this way because it gives him time to think. Sometimes it doesn't, he's so filled with schedules that he doesn't even have a break to breathe, but he's okay with that too.
One day, interrupting his monotonous routine is a voice message.
"Hey, hyung. I know it's been a long time, and you can ignore this if you want. Me and Jimin are getting married, though. Yes, the same Jimin who you asked if I had kissed. Funny, right? " A pause, and Yoongi holds his breath. He's so happy for him. "Anyways. If you're still listening, the wedding's at Jeju. Who thought someone like me would have a destination wedding, huh? Whatever. You're welcome, it's a week-long, first week of October. I really wish you'd come, but I understand if you cannot, I really do. Thank you."
Yoongi's never felt this happy in so long, it almost feels foreign to him. The studio's suddenly suffocating him, so he marches out, taking a deep breath.
His legs automatically take him to the CEO's office, his lips automatically ask for a break for two weeks (he doesn't know why he asks for two, but he really wants it, he realizes it after saying). Him being a hit producer really has some pros, like having his break granted immediately.
He sends Namjoon a voice message.
"Hey, hope you're listening to this. I'm so happy from the news, and of course, why would I miss my own friend's wedding?" He chuckles awkwardly, expecting Namjoon to reply for a second. "Of course I'm coming. And don't feel hesitant, I might not answer calls but I'll always listen. And say hi to Jimin, too. Congratulations,"
He lets out a breath as he ends the message, and he feels so light that he feels burdened by it.
• ☆ •
He should've expected this. No, he really should have.
He should have definitely expected to see Seokjin at the hotel. Right before him, actually.
"Hey, Yoongi! It's been so long, hasn't it?" Seokjin chimes loudly and spreads his arms out for a hug, like there was nothing different that ever happened between them.
Yoongi still remembers the kiss crystal clear, like it happened last night. It was a memory he could not forget even if he wanted to.
He tries not to freeze awkwardly when Seokjin hugs him tightly, like he used to back when they were in college. But everything has changed, unlike how Seokjin sees.
"I'm so proud of you, y'know?" Seokjin says as he pulls away, putting a hand over Yoongi's shoulder instead. "I always tell my friends that you're my friend from college whenever I hear your songs somewhere"
Yoongi wants to say that it's not his song, at least in a common sense. Technically, it's the song that he produced so it is his, but it is sung by someone else, so ir belongs to them.
"I'll get shorter, take your hand off," Yoongi acts nonchalant, figuring that it would be best to be like how they used to be before all the complications happened.
"I see you've finally met, huh?" Namjoon interjects their conversation, literally standing in between them. "No one has been able to reach Yoongi, not even Seokjin hyung"
"It's because he's famous now," Seokjin mocks, and Yoongi wants to bury himself somewhere and never come back.
"Stop it, okay? I'm still your friend"
"Are you, though?" Seokjin asks, and he is startled momentarily by it. "You've been out of touch for so long,"
"Well, so were you" Namjoon supplies, and it's helpful for Yoongi to know that he wasn't the only one who went virtually missing.
"I was working," Seokjin justifies.
"I can say that too," Yoongi argues back, and Seokjin just shakes his head. This would do for now.
"So, how's your boyfriend?" Seokjin changes the topic-- thankfully-- before the air goes awkward.
"He's nervous, and won't stop biting my arm in sleep," Namjoon shakes his head. "But he's fine. We're fine,"
"I seriously didn't think you'd end up marrying him, though," Yoongi adds and Seokjin nods along. "That's kind of a long time commitment, isn't it?"
"As if I knew this would happen; I just love him so much, I'd do anything for him." Namjoon shrugs.
Yoongi excuses himself to his room, still in half disbelief that he had seen Seokjin. He had really, really thought he'd never see him.
And although a part of him is happy, glad even, but there's another part of him that denies that feeling. The bittersweet part which had left him with not so pleasant memories tells him that this is just another fleeting moment, too. That Seokjin was bound to leave him in his monotonous cycle again, without an escape.
Yet, Yoongi couldn't stop the sliver of hope from wrapping itself around his heart.
Maybe I'll be able to tell how much I love him this time round.
Chapter Text
Day 1.
Yoongi realizes, as soon as he sees Park Jimin, that he is in no way the 'ideal' match for Namjoon. No, he would call this whole wedding fake with the way he and Namjoon clashed with every decision. Starting from decorations to the food, everything didn't match each other's personal tastes.
But he also observed that Namjoon was mostly the first to give in, to let Jimin do what he wants. They had this clear understanding of each other, mostly Namjoon about Jimin, given that it's always Namjoon who steps down from an argument first. And Yoongi remembers Namjoon saying that he doesn't want someone who likes what he likes, rather he would have someone whose tastes differ from him, even by a bit. And he understands where Namjoon comes from.
That was the same reason he liked Seokjin, too. Still does. He doesn't think he ever stopped liking him, to be honest. He had just ignored that for too long that it feels like he had stopped for a brief time. He shouldn've braced himself for the wave that was bound to hit him again, though.
"Can you think of Namjoon to be so... so 'giving in'?" Seokjin asks, and he blankly looks at Namjoon and Jimin who are, again, arguing about the decorations of the wedding place. "I mean, he used to argue about anything and everything to us, and stood firm with his opinion. He's changed, isn't he?" Seokjin adds to the question, crossing his arms over Yoongi from the back. "Love does stupid things to people, doesn't it?"
Yoongi would like to have that hands choke him, literally.
"I thought you didn't believe in love anymore?"
"I don't believe in me loving someone; I do believe in love, Yoongi." Seokjin nods along, swaying for a second before taking a deep breath to start something again.
"Reminds me of the times we had... You'd argue about everything and I would always be the one to give in,"
Yoongi scoffs at that. "I have backed off at times, too." He says as he turns to look at Seokjin, never moving away.
Seokjin's beautiful, he wonders yet again as he watches the sun spread its rays warmly on the elder's skin, making it glow instead of tan.
"Yeah, keep saying that" Seokjin mocks back as he withdraws his hands from Yoongi's shoulders and walks towards Namjoon and Jimin, only to have Yoongi stop him by his wrist.
According to Yoongi, it was impulsive. A completely unconscious move; one that he was unaware of. Seokjin turns around to him, giving a confused tilt of his head, and Yoongi reakizes he's holding him back. (Just like he had always wanted to.)
"You want them to bring this whole place down?" Seokjin laughs, and Yoongi snorts but lets him go.
(Just like he had always done.)
• ☆ •
"Hyung?" Yoongi scratches the back of his head in confusion and sleep.
"You never slept in the night when we roomed together, Yoongi; it's a surprise"
"Well, we're not roommates anymore, are we?"
Yoongi would like to slap his sleepy self right then, but he was too tired to comprehend that thought further.
"Ouch, that hurt me." Seokjin pretends to clutch his chest in pain, face twisting to a pained frown. "Anyway, I was thinking of having a movie marathon."
"Really? Now, at--" Yoongi leans back to look at the clock on the dressing table. "Midnight?"
"Just like the old times," Seokjin lets out a long sigh, pretending to reminisce. "Just like the old times, Yoongi"
Yoongi smiles at that for a second, shaking his head as he lets Seokjin inside.
"Let me be honest, I wanted to talk to you. We've lost contact for so long, haven't we?" Seokjin says after they are ten minutes into the movie, comfortably silent beside each other. This is one thing about them that Yoongi likes; they don't exactly need words all the time. "How are you?"
"Me?" Yoongi asks, and seeing Seokjin nod, smiles weakly. "I'm doing fine, I think. I have my dream job, money that I make myself..." He thinks for something else, but realizes there isn't anything else. "I'm doing good, I guess"
"Job, money, everyone have that, Yoongi" Seokjin replies thoughtfully. "I'm asking about you. How are you?"
To that, Yoongi has no answer. He had thought that his job and money were enough to tell that he was fine, but according to Seokjin it's not. He doesn't have any answer because he had never been asked that question.
"Are you seeing someone? Your personal life, Yoongi, about your heart"
That brings an unnecessary pang to Yoongi's so-called heart. It takes a few long seconds for Yoongi to actually understand the question, and chuckle in response. Seokjin shrugs lightly in confusion, and shakes his head.
"If I'm seeing someone?" He asks, and Seokjin nods his head, shrugging nonchalantly. "If I'm seeing someone... What if I say I am?"
"Ooh, interesting; who is it? Do I know them?" Seokjin asks, leaning in closer with curiosity.
Yoongi this close to just telling him that it's him; that it's been him all along. But he doesn't. He just shrugs instead.
"Okay, is he here?"
He's right before me. "Yeah, he's here."
"Again, is it someone I know?"
How can you not know yourself? Yoongi nods again.
"Okay, are they from our college? Do they know Namjoon or Jimin personally?"
Yoongi nods yet again, making Seokjin groan. "You're not lying to divert me, are you?"
Yoongi chuckles. "Why should I do that?"
"'Cause you're jealous that someone else-- even me-- would snatch your love away?"
To this, Yoongi actually laughs out loud. "Are you serious?"
"What? It may happen!" Seokjin says and leans in closer to Yoongi's ears. "Why, even Jimin might cancel the marriage and start dating your lover instead?"
Yoongi wants to laugh at that stupidity, but with how close Seokjin is, he doesn't dare to even breathe. He forces a nervous chuckle out of him and moves away.
It was good when they were in college. But now, when Yoongi was finally trying to get over him and move on, no, this wasn't good. Yoongi would like to stay in his own lane, thank you very much.
"I'm sure it won't happen," He answers Seokjin, fiddling with the remote control and changing channels in a breeze, trying to focus on the TV.
"How are you so-- Sorry, I forgot the most important question," Seokjin says as he scratches his head, awkwardly grinning. Yoongi's starting to think where Seokjin had drank alcohol before he came to his room. "How long have you guys been dating? Should've asked that first,"
Yoongi stays still for a long minute before starting to shake his head to a 'no', but he doesn't want to. He doesn't want Seokjin's pity, he wants his love. Seokjin's face turns forlorn, with just the pity Yoongi had expected.
"It happens, I know," Seokjin nods and puts a hand over the younger's shoulder. Yoongi wants to tell him that no, you don't know, because you're the one who put me in such a situation.
Instead, he just shrugs back and smiles, like he always had done.
He's a fool, and he knows it.
• ☆ •
Day 2.
"Come on, hyung-nim, Joonie told me that you play the piano really well!"
Yoongi didn't want a whining Park Jimin up his face at 8 in the morning, but he gets it anyway. Ithas just been like, three hours since he had went to sleep, after Seokjin had went back to his room. "What 's it, J'min? I don' wanna do it."
"Just once, and just a part of Bluestone Alley, that's all I ask!" He's pretty sure Jimin is kneeling before him getting a hold of his sheets and tugging at it. "Please, just teach me just a part of it!"
"Let me sleep, please," Yoongi begs, faking a cry and turning away.
"If you don't come," Jimin takes a deep breath just as Yoongi starts to tune him out of his hearing. "I'll tell Seokjin hyung-nim about everything. Everything, from how you liked him to how that truth or dare wasn't just for the game,"
There's a heartbeat of silence before Yoongi shoots upright, eyes wide with disbelief and directed towards the Devil that is Park Jimin with his wide, cheeky smile.
"Brat," Yoongi groans, but smiles anyway, ruffling Jimin's hair as he stands up. "Now, where is your piano?"
"How did you know about that night anyway? You weren't there, as far as I remember," Yoongi asks as he covers the keyboard, turning around to Jimin.
"I wasn't there, but Namjoon hyung was. He told me about everything." Jimin grins widely, making Yoongi smile along. "That was so cool, y'know? 'Here's your truth and dare'; that's just... wow, that was really so..." He pauses to find an appropriate word, but gives up soon. "So romantic. Not exactly romantic, but you know what I'm talking about,"
"Romantic? You think it was romantic?" Yoongi asks, and chuckles weakly when Jimin nods. "Then why didn't he know that I liked-- like him?"
"That's..." Jimin purses his lips, trying to think of an answer, but gives up soon. "He's an idiot, that's why"
"Who's an idiot?"
Yoongi turns around so fast that he almost breaks his neck, and almost-- almost-- falls off the chair; it was just a close call before he gathered himself up.
"Come on, you gotta tell me; I don't wanna be the odd one out." Seokjin asks, curiosity filling his eyes.
"H-Hyung-nim?" Jimin mutters nervously, letting out a weak smile. "When did you come here?'
"You look surprised," Seokjin purses his lips, and Yoongi gulps at that.
Uh-oh.
"But I came here just now; your friend told me you and Yoongi were here."
"Y-Yeah," Yoongi adds in all of a sudden, chuckling weakly a second later. "I was teaching him,"
"Ooh, teaching him what?" Seokjin asks as he sits beside Yoongi on the small seat which was definitely not enough for two people.
"Um," Yoongi coughs awkwardly, looking at Jimin for help, but the boy just tells him to not look obvious, so he says instead: "Blue-Bluestone Alley, yeah... I was teaching him that"
"You know I don't know that much of piano pieces, Yoongi. But this seems to sound romantic. Play it for me."
"Huh?"
Yoongi's still so, so stupid for him. Two years had changed absolutely nothing, ans his heart beats as fast as it did till two years ago.
"Sure, yeah, come on," He nods his head repeatedly as he flips the fallboard up, already focused on the black and white keys
He closes his eyes, fingers poised over the keys.
And he starts.
Yoongi doesn't know when Jimin exits the place, but when he opens his eyes and looks around, he finds Seokjin behind him, a hand over his mouth with a mild expression of surprise, and no Park Jimin to be seen anywhere. He smiles at Seokjin, small but a smile it is, raising his eyebrows. He doesn't particularly ask anything, though.
"That was..." Seokjin takes a few minutes to form words, and Yoongi is surprised that Seokjin thought it was good. "Was it the real version, or did you do something in between?"
Yoongi's face twists with confusion and he leans closer. "No..? No, I didn't do anything-- It was the real piece"
"That was so nice, Yoongi. So, so damn nice."
He thinks he's blushing because his cheeks feel hot, or he might be just embarrassed. "Thank you?"
"Oh my god-- Why didn't you play anything for me when we were in college?"
Because you didn't ask for me to. "Just because," Yoongi shrugs awkwardly, and Seokjin stands there, pretending to glare at Yoongi.
"You're definitely playing the piano at my wedding, Yoongi,"
There, Yoongi feels his heart being stabbed yet again. Two years and the pain is still the same. "You're getting... married?"
"Nah, just kidding. But I will get married someday though, won't I?"
Yoongi looks at Seokjin, the soft light of the hall illuminating his face, making it glow.
He's beautiful.
"Yeah, you would."
• ☆ •
Yoongi is pretty damn sure he's hearing things, because who would knock at his door at, what, two in the morning?
Groaning, he turns around, burying his ears in the pillow, but the raps on his door become stronger and stronger until it sounds like they're actually breaking the door, and Yoongi gets up, annoyed to his most.
"Don't wake me up--!"
He does not expect being dragged, and that too by Seokjin. Hell, he can't even proper questions, and he's running with Seokjin's grip on his hand tight and warm. It lasts only for like half a minute before he lets go, standing before Namjoon and Jimin's room.
"They're fighting again, and you're the one who can actually solve this problem" Seokjin states blankly, missing out the important points. "I was sleeping, but these idiots woke me up"
"But why did they--"
And Yoongi is dragged inside. "What even happened--?"
"Don't think you're always right, Jimin, come on!" Yoongi is surprised to see Namjoon yelling at Jimin
"But it isn't even that bad of an idea!" Jimin yells back, throwing a pillow at his face. They both don't seem to notice Yoongi or Seokjin, or that their door was unlocked. "We just have to say it to him; he's helpless and useless by himself"
"Uh, guys?" Yoongi stands between them, making them drop their jaw in shock and surprise. "Lower that volume, please"
"When-- When did you come here?" Namjoon hiccups, gulping air and coughing awkwardly. "Didn't see you there--!"
"You would wake the whole corridor up and ask when we came? Come on, shut your goddamn love squabbles and get to sleep... or whatever the fuck it is that you do"
Yoongi looks at Seokjin with surprise. From what he remembers (what remembering, it's etched i to his mind, just like all other Seokjin things), he never, never curses; except when he's drunk.
"You can't just spit out like that," Yoongi says with a step back. "It's their thing?"
"Whatever; let me sleep now"
Yoongi has a hunch on why Seokjin could be like that. After all, he had been his roommate for almost four years, of course he'd know. Seokjin was pissed off about something, something else that was not this, and he needed a distraction; something to put the blame on.
"Sorry," Namjoon raises his hands tentatively, an awkward grin poking out.
Seokjin says nothing and walks out, almost slamming the door on his way out.
"What happened to him? I swear we weren't that loud, though?" Jimin asks obliviously, pursing his lips.
"Yeah, listen to yourself ten minutes ago. Thank god I'm away from you, or else I couldn't even sleep." Yoongi shakes his head and walks out.
"Don't forget, hyung; 9'O clock tomorrow!"
Yoongi ignores Jimin's words and walks back to his own room, only to find Seokjin standing outside with his mobile, flipping it and twirling it between his fingers. "Hyung?"
"Oh, I was waiting for you," Seokjin says with a small smile. "Can I sleep here today?"
Yoongi almost chokes. "W-What?"
"I mean, I'm sure those two won't stop their arguments tonight, and I'm just... I'm tired, I haven't gotten a good sleep in days"
Why, Yoongi wants to ask, but all he does is nod and get inside first, trying to occupy himself all of a sudden. Why couldn't you sleep? What happened?
The questions, as always, are stuck in his throat, never really going back in or coming out.
• ☆ •
Yoongi isn't sure why he wakes up, but he does, and it isn't slow either. It's as if someone had woken him up, like a sound or a touch.
He looks around confusedly, hearing something distant and kind of behind-a-wall sound, and wonders what is happening. Did his hotel neighbor fall down? Was it Hoseok pranking him? He doesn't know, and doesn't want to entertain it either.
Until he hears it to be familiar in a way he cannot ignore.
"Um," He hums out loud, and there's a distinct shift that he hears. "Uh, who--?"
What if it's a serial killer? Or a psychopath?
"Shut up, no one's here," He tells himself as he glances at the clock. It shows 6 AM, and a rather unnecessary chill creeps up his spine. Why would he wake up in just four hours? The sun was still on it's work, rising up slowly and steadily, but the room is still pretty dark because of the curtains.
Something clatters to the floor, and it echoes around for quite a long time than in any normal room.
The bathroom.
Yoongi steps out of bed, walking towards it cautiously, trying to keep himself calm. Breathe in, breathe out, in and out, in and--
"Who is it?" He asks, and when there's no response, he opens the already ajar door, only to be faced with the most unexpected scene before him.
Seokjin looks up at him, eyes bloodshot and cheeks puffy and damp, almost too pink, and his nose matches the same color.
If he is this stupid to have slept through Seokjin outright crying in the bathroom, he doesn't know who would be more stupid than him. Probably no one.
"Hyung?" He crouches down to sit beside Seokjin, not minding that he's sitting on the bathroom floor. "Hyung, what--"
"I'm--" Seokjin hiccups, sniffing some of his tears back inside and chokes on it momentarily. "I'm sorry, Yoongi, I shouldn't have--"
"Hyung, just tell me what happened," He interrupts, and Seokjin snorts.
"You still interrupt me when I talk."
Yoongi does not take that funny. "Seokjin hyung, what happened?"
"Nothing, Yoongi," Seokjin stands up hurriedly, much to Seokjin's confusion, and fumbles around for a minute before moving to the sink. "It's--" He splashes water on his face, maybe more forcefully than necessary, looking at Yoongi. "Nothing. It's nothing, you don't have to worry about--"
"Listen to me" Yoongi says sternly, turning the tap off. Seokjin looks up and almost glares at him, moving behind to grab a towel and walk out. Yoongi stops him yet again, and he lets out a frustrated sigh.
"Min Yoongi, let me go out."
"No," Yoongi repeats, voice firm but still laced with concern. "Not until you tell me what happened."
"I said it's nothing! " Seokjin yells, and it does startle Yoongi, but not much. Seokjin did yell at him-- at any of his friends for that matter-- so it wasn't a total surprise.
He just hasn't seen Seokjin cry as he yells.
"Just... Let me be, Yoongi, it's just me being stupid and useless-"
"Hyung, listen," Yoongi forces him to turn to him, and look at him in the face. "Now is the time you're being stupid. What happened?"
Seokjin looks at him for a long minute before leaning into his shoulder (despite the height), and lets it out yet again. "It's so hard," He mumbles and lets Yoongi guide him to somewhere, he doesn't care anymore. "It's so fucking hard, Yoongi, all the damn time."
Yoongi realizes that he was, indeed, right. There was something else bothering him, something that wasn't Namjoon or Jimin, or anyone here.
"Hyung," He tells as he puts a arm over the elder's shoulder, patting it lightly. "Hyung, it's okay, you can--"
"Everyday I try and try, but I feel like I'm going fucking nowhere," He sighs, some of the pending tears still choked inside his throat. "I'm exhausted, but I can't even do anything about it."
Yoongi doesn't speak anymore, deciding it's better to let him talk it out completely. And to some extent, he can relate because he had felt the same two years ago, when he was still struggling to fit into his position now.
"It isn't easy, it's never easy, I just want to stop. But I can't-- my parents, my mom; she'd not want me to drop out of this...this fucking high-pay job. But I-- I don't feel good about it," Seokjin takes a deep, shuddered breath, and almost forgets to let it out if not for Yoongi's constant pats on his shoulder. He think he's stopped crying, almost. "I don't-- I don't want to be there; I want to be anywhere but there, Yoongi. They-- There's no use there for me; I don't do anything than sit before the computer for hours and hours. I hate it, I want to get out and live for once, Yoongi. I want to live, with you, with all of them--"
Yoongi is sure his hearing buzzes out after that. I want to live with you.
Was he even hearing it right?
"-- and I just feel so sorry for them. I just-- just don't know, if anything is right anymore," Seokjin finishes, but Yoongi's stupid, pathetic mind is still stuck on that one line.
I want to live with you.
"I... I'm sure it'll be fine, though. I mean. I used to feel l-like that, too," He manages to croak out, looking everywhere else but at the elder. His heart felt like it was racing, all he hears was white noise apart from Seokjin's minute heavy breathing, and the obvious exhaustion in his voice.
"Yeah, but it's different for you. You ended up doing what you like, unlike me." Seokjin sighs, and before Yoongi could even ask anything, he exits the room.
Yoongi doesn't keep count of time, but it's after a long time that he actually moves around instead of being frozen in his place. And what he does is flop back on his bed, suddenly all energy leaving him.
He glances at the clock. It shows something over 7:30, but honestly, he doesn't care.
All he cares, had cared about, and will care about now, is Seokjin.
• ☆ •
Chapter Text
Day 3.
It's around evening that Namjoon catches sight of Yoongi lazing around the gym, after a day of arranging and organizing all the tours for the guests in the resort. He sees him mindlessly throwing the gym ball around with a meager amount of his strength, barely 'exercising' with it.
"Didn't get to see you all day today," He asks as he picks up the dumb bells, soon joined by Jimin tailing behind him minutes later.
"Nothing," Yoongi answers back lifelessly, mind completely on something else.
"If you aren't using it, can I borrow it?" Jimin asks, pointing at the gym ball. Yoongi looks at him blankly before shaking his head. "You're not even exercising!"
"And I've never seen the Nerd--" Yoongi points at Namjoon, who glares back at him response. "--exercise. Good luck on doing that"
"But we're doing that together since we, y'know, got together?" Namjoon shrugs, and Jimin nods back. Yoongi shoots a look of disbelief at Namjoon, and the latter just grins awkwardly.
"So. Gym ball." Jimin demands, stretching both of his hands out.
"No."
"Come on," Namjoon whines this time, and Yoongi scoffs in disbelief.
"I have one thing from this whole gym with me, and your fiance wants just this? " He directs his question to Namjoon, who just shrugs back.
"But I like it," Jimin pouts-- pouts, and Yoongi feels this irresistible urge to just... give everything in the world to him. He doesn't even know how, but he does. "And you're not even using it!"
"Take it, and never come back again," Yoongi says with a hidden, embarrassed smile, and Jimin brightens up immediately and walks off, doing... whatever that is with the gym ball.
"Seriously," Yoongi sighs out loud. "He's like a baby. An overgrown, tantrum-throwing baby who doesn't keep secrets at all." He doesn't know why he adds the last part, but he does. Maybe because Jimin had started to threaten him with the bait of telling Seokjin everything to get his own work done.
"You know, when we first met, he was completely different," Namjoon says, looking at Jimin with a smile. "It took us over five months to even become friends. He saw me as nothing but a tutor."
"Really?" Yoongi asks, and Namjoon hums back in answer.
"I don't know if it was me or him, but he used to be so... closed-off with me. Looked at me like I'm some sort of a stranger, honestly." Namjoon closes his eyes, probably thinking about said times, and winces visibly. "I think I understand why he was like that. We're pretty similar and relatable in one thing, y'know?"
"What?"
"Hiding. We're good at hiding things from anyone. I don't think that apart from you, no one knows I cried into my pillow everyday after college because it was so exhausting and I felt like dropping out"
"You're not the only one," Yoongi nods understandingly.
"Yeah, and he... he didn't like showing people that he could be weak. That there were times he could look weaker than he is, more pathetic than he thinks he is. He's good at hiding that. I think it was his friend-- Taehyung, was it? Yeah, he was the one who even asked me to help Jimin out. I don't know, maybe he's like that even now." He smiles at Jimin when the latter looks at the two with a questioning, curious glance, and Namjoon shakes his head. "I wouldn't know, but that's what makes him... him."
Yoongi hums, staring off into space as his mind reels back to Seokjin. He remembers all the time Seokjin had given him support, direct or indirect, physical or moral, and smiles at the memory. It was almost surprising, how much Seokjin had done for Yoongi, and how much of it Yoongi had just took for granted and never thanked him properly.
He doesn't even notice Namjoon walk off, too stuck in his own thoughts.
• ☆ •
Yoongi doesn't exactly know why he's tailing behind Seokjin, but he is, and the latter is picking out bouquets of different kinds. He just walks a step behind, smiling at the array of flowers before him.
"This looks nice, doesn't it?" Seokjin asks all of a sudden, pointing at the arranged bouquet that the florist was holding, and Yoongi hums in agreement. "Or is it missing something?"
Yoongi just shrugs back. "I can't say; I don't know."
Seokjin just chuckles as he shakes his head, going back to talking to the florist.
It isn't like Yoongi doesn't know about flowers, he even remembers some of the meanings it holds, but it is just that he doesn't want to tell anything and out himself in a compromising situation, especially with Seokjin. He doesn't want to let himself imagine.
He does. He imagines them going out to buy flowers for their own wedding, Seokjin asking the same question, and Yoongi-- instead of answering the same way-- hugging him from behind, telling that anything is fine if it's Seokjin who chooses them. He imagines them laughing, happy and content with each other. He imagines a peck on Seokjin's cheek, a shy blush on the plane, a barely-intended reprimand that 'We're outside, Yoongi '--
He imagines the impossible, and he hates himself for allowing his mind to do that.
"Can-- Can we go?" He asks all of a sudden, and Seokjin looks confused and surprised for a second before nodding, mouth slightly wide with the confusion.
"Sure; yeah, we can, just a minute,"
Yoongi opts to wait outside the shop, trying to distract himself from his trail of thoughts, choosing to look at the people walking by. It's strange; he feels everyone's eyes on him, as if waiting to point out how obviously he was in love with Seokjin. He thinks he shouldn't be; doesn't want to break the only thread that connects them now.
"What happened?" Seokjin asks, putting a hand on his shoulder with a caring look on his face.
Yoongi takes a step back. From nervousness, or confusion, or just pure fear, he doesn't know.
"Let's-- Let's just go." He says hastily, his eyes trailing on the gravel below his feet as he starts walking, not checking if Seokjin was following up with him or not.
He just wants to be alone.
"Aren't you buying anything for them?" Seokjin asks after some minutes of silence, still walking a step behind him. "We should probably stop somewhere, what are you planning--?"
"I just want to go," Yoongi replies, although it comes more harsh than he intends it to. "I just--"
"I get it. you want to be alone," Seokjin rolls his eyes, as if his sudden change in behavior didn't surprise him a bit. "Let's go; there's always tomorrow,"
As Yoongi closes the door behind him, not even turning to look back at Seokjin, he realizes.
There's always tomorrow.
But sometimes, tomorrow never comes.
"Stupid," He slaps himself as he looks at his reflection in the mirror. "You're such a stupid, Min Yoongi. So, so stupid."
He leans against the mirror, letting his breath fog the surface. It makes it easier for him to let it out.
"Such a--" he takes a shuddered breath, trying to keep his choking tears in. "--coward. You're such a coward."
Yoongi realizes that what he said was true. He was, indeed, a coward.
• ☆ •
Yoongi blinks in surprise as a hand waves before him.
"Did I do well?" Jimin asks, and Yoongi nods vaguely. "You weren't focusing, were you?"
He doesn't even know how he came here, back to the piano room. He just sees everything in a huge blur. The room was dimly lit with yellow lights, and he could figure it out that it was already late evening.
"Hyung; Yoongi!" Jimin yells into his ear, and that makes him snap out yet again.
"Okay, I wasn't. Play it again," Yoongi says, standing up from his seat and moving closer to the piano.
"No," Jimin shakes his head. "What happened? You're out of it since this evening,"
Yoongi thinks back and wishes he didn't. "Nothing, absolutely nothing."
"Is it about Seokjin hyung?" Jimin asks, and Yoongi is flustered for a second. How did Jimin know?
He shakes his head, unsure and hesitant. "No; just get to playing--"
"No, not until you tell me." Jimin says firmly, pulling the fallboard down and resting his arm on it.
"Come on, Jimin, I said it's nothing."
"You've been weird ever since you came back after going out with him. Did something happen? Did you two kiss?"
"No, we didn't. Now will you stop poking your nose?" Yoongi snaps and sits beside Jimin, pushing the boy from the small seat.
"Rude," Jimin frowns, but stands back nevertheless. "I'm thinking of changing the song."
"What?" Yoongi turns to him with a frown. "You made me remember all of this song just for you to change it?"
"Just kidding, hyung," Jimin laughs, leaning his head on Yoongi's shoulder. "Don't worry, I'm not changing the song. But I do want you to play another song, though."
"No," Yoongi says, faking weariness and standing up. "I'm tired; gonna go sleep now."
"Please, hyung? Please~? " Jimin sing-songs, and Yoongi sighs heavily, but nods anyway. He found himself having very little resistance when it came to Jimin, and makes a mental note to ask Namjoon whether Jimin has that effect on everyone.
"It's one of the songs Joonie produced--"
"Joonie?" Yoongi laughs a little, and Jimin smacks his arm.
"It's a nickname. Anyways, it's a song he produced and I want to see how the piano is played." Jimin says and browses through his phone, playing a song and placing the phone on top of the piano.
Yoongi's surprised, because he remembers Namjoon working on this particular track in their college days. He had seen the guy remake it over and over, but he can distinctly recognize the piano, because he had helped him with that part.
"This?"
"Yeah; I wanna see how it's played because he'll never show me." Jimin pouts.
Just then, the door opens and Yoongi finds Seokjin at the entrance. "I've been looking all around for you, Jimin," He narrows his sight down at Jimin with a frown, to which Jimin chuckles nervously.
"R-Really? Heh," He laughs out, eyes wavering between Yoongi and Seokjin. "What for?"
"For trying your suit on, dumbass, you have a dinner to prepare for as the fiancé!"
As if he just realized it even being there, Jimin stands up with an open jaw. "I totally forgot it! Oh my god, what am I even going to-- Namjoon's gonna kill me, I'm sure of it--"
"You both are truly a match for each other," Seokjin sings mockingly as Jimin almost sprints out of the room towards the elevator. "Both of you are forgetful."
Yoongi chuckles at that, loosening up a bit. He doesn't know why he always gets nervous around the elder, as if he's afraid of any reaction from him. He feels like it's a way of his whole body acknowledging Seokjin's presence around him, he always gets stiff and like he's on edge, taking careful steps to be safe. Just to be safe.
Just to live like he had always did, without having his whole existence being disturbed by a particular someone.
"Hey," Seokjin nods at him with a firm smile, motioning whether he can come inside the room. Yoongi takes a second to process and nods, beckoning him inside. "It's been so long since I've seen you play the piano."
"Wasn't it two days ago?" Yoongi question, and Seokjin chuckles this time, his whole body shaking with that little movement. Yoongi kinda hates himself for noticing even that; it just makes him feel like a creep.
"Not that; Jimin was there, right? It's been so long since, y'know," Seokjin waves his hand between them, as if that's supposed to tell anything. "Us. Alone. You, me and the piano."
It takes a few heartbeats for Yoongi to remember what Seokjin was saying. He does indeed remember playing the piano, but just with Seokjin and him was not that often, but not that rare either. Whenever Yoongi would stay awake playing his piano, and whenever Seokjin couldn't find sleep anywhere inside him-- those days, they'd play. There wasn't anything striking to remember about it except for the fact that even with a nervous heart, Yoongi still lost himself in the piano, and Seokjin would just sit there, without asking or saying anything to interrupt. They were really perfect for each other: a perfect pianist and a perfect audience.
"Yeah," Yoongi nods as everything flashes back in waves of images, and a smile climbs up his face. "Yeah, it's been so long."
"So," Seokjin clears his throat, leaning closer to Yoongi and almost, almost brushing his cheeks. Yoongi moves his hands away, just a little bit. It was on the verge of overlapping, but now there is a hesitant distance between it. "Play something?"
And how can he say no to the one person he ever remembers loving with all his heart? He must be crazy or a cold-hearted person to do that, and he is neither so he does say yes.
It isn't really any particular piece by any famous pianists, but he plays, and as his eyes close he gets lost in the melody. His mind floods with thoughts; thoughts he wanted to say, which were stuck in his throat.
You might not know this, but I love you. More than the stars in this universe, more than the size of said universe, more than anything else in existence. I can only hope that you would somehow know this, because I'm too scared to tell it through my own mouth. I'm a coward; a coward who's in love with his best friend.
Yoongi feels something heavy settle in his heart, as if corresponding with what he was playing.
I wish my words would ring in your ears, but I don't have the courage to tell it out loud. I'm such a coward, such a stupid, I know. But I still hope that through my hands, through the keys that press down, through the music that comes out and resonates around us, you will be able to realize my love. I can't forget you, even if I want to.
I love you.
His momentum slows down, the keys softly pressed and replacing the intensity from earlier.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you, so much.
He ends with a last note, feeling his eyes glued together by something. Fear, nervousness, the feeling of being rejected, or being pitied, he doesn't know. But he knows he doesn't want to open his eyes; not now, not ever. He wants to imagine himself in this familiar darkness which had always wrapped around him in comfort, away from the curious, judgmental and pitiful eyes. He doesn't want to see anyone, or anyone to see him. He wants to live like this forever, dwelling in his own thoughts; thoughts which he is unable to speak out loud.
It's better this way.
A warm, familiar hand creeps up his shoulders from his back, as if trying to comfort him in some way. He takes a deep breath in, letting it out in shudders. It's as if he's comforting himself.
It's okay.
It's okay, I won't cry. Even if I can't say out loud what I feel, I won't cry for it.
"That was..." Seokjin starts, voice almost as low as a whisper. Maybe it was; Yoongi still hasn't opened his eyes to see that yet. "That was so... nice, Yoongi."
Something drops in his heart again. Nice. He had poured all his heart into it, and the only word Seokjin could think of was 'nice '. It was so funny that a laugh actually came out of his wet throat.
He can't put the blame on anyone, though. He knew that this is the only thing that they'd ever have between them: his unrequited and unconditional love for his roommate, his 'friend'.
He's feels like a fool for thinking he had a chance this time.
Notes:
the piano part was inspired by 'Your lie in april', it's such a good anime and im glad it was my first proper anime series :) hope you liked it!
and the centered part of the story is yoongi telling those words through the piano music, dont ask me how he does it, it's kind of like what was done in Jin's 'Gone' MV. :D
Chapter 4
Notes:
whew that took long ;-;
thank you for still sticking to this fic, all those who left kudos and subscribed to it! 6v6(lots of crying ahead, just a heads up.)
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Day 5.
"Is it okay that I feel nervous?" Jimin asks, and Namjoon just chuckles in response.
"It's okay, Jiminie, I feel nervous too," Namjoon puts a hand over his fiancé. "After all, this is our last day as boyfriends.”
"I still can't believe--" Seokjin adds in as he takes a swift drink of his shot of vodka. "--that you guys are getting married. Married . I thought Namjoon would do anything, even destroy the world, but I never thought he'd marry."
"Suck it up your ass if you want to, but there's no doubt on that." Namjoon responds, pushing a chaste kiss onto Jimin's lips, to which the latter blushes visibly even under the dark lights.
They were at the hotel club, initially Seokjin and Jimin and later on, with Namjoon tagging along. Jimin was evidently about the big day that was ahead of him, and wanting to relieve some o the stress, pulled Seokjin down to the bar for a couple of drinks.
"Uh, I'm still here, guys." Seokjin mocks a disgusted face and downs another shot, feeling somewhat wary of everything. He had volunteered to do some of the work for arranging the wedding, but realized that it was the most hardest thing to do. Keeping an account of all expenses in just a part of day was hard, and Namjoon had to keep track of it for a whole week. "Tone it down a little before other people, hm?"
"Well, I'm kissing my fiancé, you go kiss your boyfriend." Namjoon replies, smirking in victory.
"I don't have one?"
Jimin punches Namjoon in the gut discreetly-- which Seokjin notices, by the way-- and the latter lets out a choked laugh after that. "What is it?" Seokjin asks curiously.
“I thought-- I thought you were dating someone…” Namjoon drags the sentence, an awkward grin on his lips which definitely yelled out that they weren’t telling the truth.
“No I’m not, who do you think would date me?”
Jimin mutters something under his breath and grins as he spots Seokjin’s eyes on him, again yelling silently and wordlessly that he was hiding something. He just squints at them in confusion and downs another shot.
“I’ll--We’ll just come back,” Namjoon speaks up all of a sudden, beckoning Jimin with him. Jimin looks confused between the two, but in the end chooses to go with Namjoon, elbowing him again on their way and thinking Seokjin didn’t notice it.
He waits for almost half an hour, but there are no signs of the two coming back any soon, and he feels alone sitting at the countertop by himself, barely drinking two shots at that time span. He decides to go out and search after the two, carefully weaving his way through the crowds of people. This bar was surely famous in the city, it seems, what with the amount of people in there.
The alcohol was slowly making its way into his senses, making him tipsy but not that drunk. He stumbles twice on his way, and decides that it was enough drinks for a day.
Fortunately, it isn’t that hard of a job to find Namjoon and Jimin, because they’re right in the lobby, although at a far corner. He approaches them quite loudly, but pauses and slows down when he actually listens to them.
“-- don’t you think it’s time he knows? I mean, we know he won’t say it any soon.”
“It’s not for us to say it though, ‘min. We shouldn’t interfere in what should be their own…-- thing.” Namjoon sounds like he’s at a loss of words, and Seokjin is sure he feels more than tipsy.
“But they’re so stupid, and he's so obviously in love with him!” Jimin whines, stomping his foot. Seokjin smiles at that, leaning a bit more forward to listen in their conversation.
“I mean, yeah , Seokjin’s pretty stupid, but Yo--”
A loud crash is what snaps the three of them from their focus, to each other. “Hyung?” Namjoon is the first to reply as Seokjin smiles sheepishly at the broken vase.
“Sorry…” He scratches the back of his neck, grinning awkwardly. “I’ll pay the expenses!” He hiccups, letting out an unnecessary laugh at that.
Namjoon rises a hand up to his temples, massaging them with a silent sigh. “Can you?” He turns to Jimin as he points at Seokjin, who nods, although a bit flustered. “Thank you; I’ll go talk with the manager of this place.”
Jimin waits for Namjoon to leave their line of sight, and pulls Seokjin to the elevator. He’s pretty sure that Seokjin was at least half-drunk now, and devises a plot.
“This-This isn’t my room, though,” Seokjin asks as he leans against the door, the numbers 1293 glaring back. “Mine’s 2013. Like the year. Haha,”
Jimin pauses, trying to think up as perfect reason. “‘Cause you need someone to take care of you,” He says, although it’s not a complete lie, it's not completely true either.
Seokjin shrugs, leaning back on the wall as he waits for the door to open. Jimin jabs the doorbell three more times before the door bursts open with an angry, familiar voice. “I told you, if you make me wake up in the middle-- Seokjin?"
“Oh? Yoongi!” Seokjin grins widely, totally, obliviously happy to see Yoongi. “You brought me to the right person, Jimin!”
Jimin chokes on nothing, and continues coughing the imaginary lump out of his throat till Seokjin goes inside and falls on Yoongi’s bed.
“Jimin? Is there any explanation?”
“Um,” Jimin hums, trying to think up another excuse to convince Yoongi now.
“ Yoongi! ” Seokjin yells in a squeaky voice from inside, and Jimin just grins awkwardly before dashing off with a distant ‘Take care of him, hyung-nim!’ as he disappears around the corner.
Yoongi would like to kill him right now. Or anyone, for that matter.
“ Yoongi! ”
“Coming.” He sighs.
This is going to be a long night.
“Do you still smoke, Yoongi?” Seokjin asks in a very, very drunken state of mind. But he still gets his facts right. Yoongi is pretty amused by the fact that he still remembers, given that he himself doesn’t.
“I don’t; no.” Yoongi replies, staring at the ceiling which was further away from his spot on the floor. "I stopped long ago."
“Why did you stop?” Seokjin prods on, and even if Yoongi tries to ignore it and pretend to be asleep, he couldn’t not answer Seokjin. That guy had been his only weakness.
“‘Cause I wanted to,” Yoongi sighs, trying to sleep. It was finally the big day tomorrow; he had endured almost a week of being in the vicinity of Kim Seokjin just for his other friend.
“I told you to stop smoking a lot back then, didn’t I?” Seokjin chuckles. Yoongi wonders if he’s actually drunk, but he at least sounds (and smells) like it, so he guesses.
Yoongi hums back. “Go to sleep, hyung,” He mumbles, turning to his right and closing his eyes.
“... Can I ask one more thing?”
Yoongi’s almost taken aback by the seriousness in his voice, definitely unlike his drunken tone that was there till now.
“Yeah.”
“That night…” Seokjin hums, taking an audibly deep breath. “When you kissed me.”
Yoongi gasps out aloud. No, they weren’t talking about this. No.
“Was there…-- Did you feel anything then, Yoongi?”
Yoongi’s scared to answer, being the coward he is, so he chooses to be silent. It’s easier that way. Maybe if he didn’t answer, Seokjin will forget that question and finally let Yoongi go of his nervousness and lonely suffering.
“Did you?”
Yoongi still says silent, but listens to the bed rustling, to a silent hand approaching. He turns around right in time to see Seokjin hovering above him, his silhouette barely visible in the darkness of the night. He freezes in place.
No, Seokjin was just drunk. He was definitely drunk; this is all a mistake.
All over again .
He finds himself unable to move, to even feel his legs to able to move, and stares at the silhouette of not just his best friend, but a possible life partner.
Stupid. Stupid Yoongi, you’re stupid, remember? Seokjin doesn’t like you the same way you do.
In the blink of an eye, Seokjin is back in his place, hidden over the border that is invisible to Yoongi. He imagines hearing a muffled wet sniff; probably his own delusion. No, Seokjin wasn’t crying, no.
The next morning, Seokjin isn’t there. Yoongi wonders if anything would have changed had he just got up and looked at him once that night. But no, he didn’t, and he is pretty sure he lost his one and only chance.
He never heard Seokjin’s words, never. If he did, he wouldn’t be so stupid.
• ☆ •
Day 6.
“Do I look fine?” Jimin asks a dazed Yoongi who is staring out of the window with a blank face, but he could sense a tinge of regret in it. “Hyung; Hyung! ”
“What?” Yoongi asks, sounding bored and annoyed. “You look fine; and even if you didn’t, Namjoon would still marry you.”
Jimin shakes his head, wondering why he why he chose Yoongi to be his best man. He should’ve chosen Seokjin, but the guy too busy occupying himself with the expenses of the day. Which is, partly, Namjoon’s fault, for entrusting him with such heavy work.
“I know that, hyung. I wanna look as good as he will.”
Yoongi snorts at that, looking up and down at him. “Namjoon would dress like an idiot if not for Seokjin.”
Jimin chuckles, eyes crinkling into lines. “Maybe,” He says, going back to looking at the mirror. “But I’d still marry him. Isn’t that what people in love would do?”
Yoongi nods absent-mindedly, his mind reeling to another unfavorable and quite impossible imagination: Seokjin preparing for their marriage, his and Yoongi’s, and that doesn’t just make him frown but also gives a sort of a physical pain that clenches around his heart.
“Are you fine?” He snaps out of his thoughts at Jimin calling him, almost kneeling down to him. “You don’t look good; wanna take a break?”
He shudders an exhale and shakes his head, and Jimin stands up, only with more worry than relief. “Are you should? Should I-- I don’t know, should I call a doctor or someone?”
“No, It’s okay, I’m--” He couldn’t even get it out ; it was that hard to even word it by himself. “F-Fine. I’m… fine.”
“Well, if you… say so,” Jimin nods his head and stands up, reaching for his mobile and looking through it lazily.
Stupid, stupid, stupid. Stop being so obvious.
You’re not going to change anything, stop thinking of the impossible.
You’re never gonna be with him, never.
He forced a smile when Jimin looked up at him once again, reaching for his own mobile and scrolling through it mindlessly.
A coward. A loser. A pathetic guy in love.
That’s what you will ever be, Min Yoongi.
• ☆ •
Seokjin looks at himself in the mirror, at his face dripping with beads of water down his chin, at his bloodshot eyes, at the confusion in them. It didn’t make sense; it shouldn’t make sense.
Yoongi had been avoiding him at every cost that day, on the day of the marriage , the one day when they should not be awkward around each other. He wouldn’t even look at him, let alone give any talk.
And he isn’t sure why.
And, he doesn’t understand this weird guilt that bubbles up in his chest. It was like he knew he was the reason for Yoongi to act like that; to try to be away from him. It was like he almost understood why Yoongi was acting the way he was: to avoid being hurt. Being hurt by what, is still a big question mark, but somewhere inside him, he’s pretty sure it’s him.
He just doesn’t get a clue on what exact reason it is.
“It’s okay,” He says to his own reflection, practicing a fixed smile. It’s natural, for him to hide his problems. That’s what he always did these few years; without Yoongi. “It’s okay, it’s not a problem.”
• ☆ •
“You may now kiss each other.”
Yoongi tries to ignore Seokjin sniffing beside him as the two newlyweds lean in. He tries his real best to not face palm.
“I’m so happy for them,” Seokjin says, and Yoongi nods absently.
“I know; I’m happy for them, too.” He says, although he does feel a surge of happiness flowing through him when he sees the two on the altar. He manages to let out a genuine smile after all the fake ones he had forced out till now, and he feels happy for himself.
Maybe this will pass on, too. Like the fake smile he had, maybe his hopes will turn fake, too.
He takes a deep breath and exhales in relief, smiling at Jimin who grins back widely at him, while Namjoon beside him gives the two a confused frown. He leans in to Jimin’s ears, asking something, and both their eyes flitter to him for a minite before Jimin laughs, shaking his head.
“No, dumbo, I won’t.” Jimin says out loud, smacking Namjoon on the head playfully.
Somewhere behind them, a wail makes its way in, and Namjoon is soon enveloped into a bear hug by Hoseok, his college-mate; followed by Taehyung who barely keeps himself from pushing the two into kissing each other again.
“I’m not kidding, I’m so happy for them,” Yoongi hears Seokjin say, putting his hands over his shoulders and leaning in closer.
Maybe, just maybe, this moment of happiness will pass away like everything else, too , Yoongi wonders as he smiles widely.
• ☆ •
“Thank you to everyone who took their time to come attend and be a part of one of our most memorable moments,” Namjoon says with a glass raised in his hand. “I thank everyone sincerely from the bottom of my heart: Taehyung, Jeongguk, Hoseok. Yoongi-hyung, Seokjin-hyung, because without these people, I don’t think anything could’ve worked out properly with my clumsiness.” Jimin smack his arm again, mouthing a ‘ No ’ with a grin. “And also, to everyone who happily enjoyed the week’s stay which, hopefully, went without a hitch; thank you so much.”
Everyone raise their glasses up in the air, everyone except Yoongi who’s still in thought about something. It’s Seokjin who forces his hand up in the air like everyone else’s is, and clanks pass around despite Yoongi’s disinterest.
Everyone disperse into their own groups, and Yoongi is left alone by the end of the long table, to silently sip on his half-filled champagne.
This night is going so well for him.
All o a sudden, there’s a hand on his shoulder which makes him jump, but he relaxes soon when he sees Namjoon come before him with a small smile.
“Hey,” Namjoon starts, and just with the tone Yoongi could see that it was going to a pretty personal (and not to mention, awkward) conversation.
“Not with your husband?” Yoongi points at the bar top where Jimin was, smacking Jeongguk on the arm as Taehyung laughs at the two.
“He can wait; let’s talk about you first.” Namjoon says, pointing a hand towards the balcony door. The moon was shining its way through the scattered clouds, a translucent light illuminating the whole place. Yoongi gulps momentarily and nods, following the taller one right behind. Somewhere, he think he feels an eye on him-- two, to be exact, but he isn’t sure.
They don’t start right away. Namjoon is fiddling with his glass, clearly hesitant to bring the topic up. And when Yoongi looks back at the past few days, he thinks he knows by now.
“Is it… Is it about Seokjin-hyung?”
Namjoon sighs, choosing to look at the night sky rather than at the person beside him. “You know, you and Seokjin are one of my best friends; probably the closest, too, I guess. Whenever I had a problem, or a hitch on my way, I’m sure I would’ve turned to you guys more times than I did to my own Mother ,” He chuckles, and Yoongi joins along. “But you guys helped me; in your own little, separate ways, but help you did.”
“Maybe,” Yoongi nods along, taking a sip from his glass.
“But,” Namjoon starts after a long pause, looking directly at Yoongi now. “But I never asked you if you had any problems till now. I’ve just cared for myself, haven’t I?”
Yoongi shrugs. “It’s okay, Namjoon, it’s in the past now--”
“I want to,” He fiddles with the ring on his finger; his wedding ring. “That night, when you kissed him… Tell me the truth: did you even try to explain to his after that?”
“That’s not how you help someone,” Yoongi chuckles, but stops after seeing Namjoon’s serious look. “It’s not like I didn’t; I did try to tell him.”
“And..?”
“... He said he understood because he knew I was drunk and was just doing it so no one would see me as a coward.” He almost cracks the glass in his hand, feeling the rush of anger even now. “He didn’t even give me a chance to explain it myself.”
Namjoon looks at him in disbelief, not exactly asking the question, but his looks tells it all. “A-Anytime after that?”
Yoongi shakes his head, probably looking pitiful. “Can we stop now? I don’t think he’ll ever be interested in someone like me, let alone me in the first place.”
“No, we don’t--”
“He told me ‘As if we’d ever see each other again.’ What does that tell you?” He almost snaps, but calms himself down before actually doing that. “I’m going inside.”
“I--” Namjoon’s rather loud voice makes him pause, almost on his way back towards the hall. “I want to help; I-I can explain to him--!”
“Please, Namjoon, don’t try to be a third wheel when there’s no ‘us’.” He says, taking a step ahead but pausing again.
“Besides, it’s not like we would ever see each other again.”
• ☆ •
Yoongi’s wise to take his leave before all the drunken games start, because he was pretty sure that Namjoon or Jimin would do something to put them together. He should’ve seen it with all the unusual behavior and the unnatural situations he was stuck in.
He sits on the bed, trying to imagine himself sinking inside the bed, drowning in its comfort forever and ever, and forget everything that’s crowding his mind like a marketplace. It was heavy, it was too loud, too painful to bear anymore. He lets out a loud yell, not caring about anyone hearing anymore. He just wants to yell at someone, something , and feel free. He isn’t even sure of what he is yelling about.
But as he looks at his reflection from the mirror across the bed-- tired, exhausted, sad -- he thinks back on everything again.
Was there any time where there was a chance of him telling Seokjin about his feelings?
Now that he thinks, there wasn’t any. And he realized soon enough that there would never be another chance.
“I loved you,” Yoongi whispers exhaustedly, looking at his lap. “I’m sorry for not telling you, but I loved you; so much. I guess… I guess it’s time to say--”
Goodbye .
Just as those words were forming in his mouth, ready to be spilled out once and forever, there’s a series of knocks on his door.
Groaning loudly, he stands up and walks to the door, opening it with a forceful swing. “What do you want?” He asks, not really looking at the one standing before him.
“Talk,”
He looks up swiftly, almost breaking his neck. “Hyung?”
“I want to talk with you, Yoongi.” Seokjin says, a small smile on his face. “Can I come in?”
“Why--” Why do you want to talk with me? Why are you making this more harder than it is? “Yeah, come-- come inside.”
Seokjin welcomes himself, choosing to sit on the one-seater couch placed at the corner of the bed, legs tapping the floor and hands fiddling with each other.
“Um--” “Uh--”
They looks at each other, surprised at the coincidence, but soon the room goes silent. Hell, they can even listen to each other’s breath , that’s how silent it was.
“Okay, you go first.” Seokjin says, leaning back into the chair. Before Yoongi could resist, however, he pulls himself right back. “You know what? I’ll go first.”
Yoongi, all but wanting to get this done with, to move on like he was supposed to, nods calmly.
“Okay, let me come straight to the point-- you’re acting weird, I hope you know that. No, wait, I know you know that.”
Yoongi stays mum, looking at the sheets instead. Not this again .
“Why? Did anyone do something? Did I do something--?”
“You didn’t,” Yoongi answers immediately. “It wasn’t you, it was never you.” He vaguely wonders why he’s talking like this. “It isn’t you; it’s me.”
“Yoongi?” Seokjin calls him out, and he wonders for it to be a wake-up call. One that he definitely needs. “You?”
“Yeah, me; I’m always the one.” He chuckles, leaning comfortably and relaxing from the stiff posture he was maintaining. “I am the fool in the end.”
“Yoongi, make it clear--”
“I’m such a fool, such an idiot to have loved you,” He sighs, dragging his hands against the sheets with a blank face. “I guess I can get to at least act weird enough.”
Seokjin is close to silent, but a question lingers at the tip of his tongue. Loved me?
“I guess it’s no use now, to act like I’m trying to avoid something mysterious. It’s you that I want to avoid; it’s the heartbreak.”
Yoongi pauses for a mere second, expecting an answer, but doesn’t even hear an exhale. “I can’t blame you; you didn’t know. You thought I was just the same ‘roommate’ I was back in college, but no, I’m not.”
The pause now seems longer than before, and his breaths slowly start to quiver. He feels something weighing his eyebags; blames it to be the exhaustion.
Throughout the silence, Seokjin doesn’t breathe, let alone speak, eyes wide with sudden realization. Yoongi doesn’t notice that face, either.
“Maybe I should’ve told you that I didn’t kiss you because I was afraid they’d think of me as a coward or something,” He laughs, outright laughs at himself, at Seokjin, at the whole world. “I should’ve told you that I meant it; that I fucking meant that kiss, and not for you to brush it off like it’s a part of a game .”
“Yoongi--”
“Let me speak,” He cuts in, voice harsher than intended, but he just doesn’t care anymore. “When have you ever let me speak? Even that morning, when I was going to explain to you about everything, when I was about to almost confess, you told me it was a mistake . And I, like every single time, believed it. Just like your wake-up tricks, just like your lies about being okay, I believed this one, too.”
"But I--"
"Yeah, you asked about it to me last night, too. I can't blame you, or anyone, really. I'm just that much of a coward who cannot even say that he likes someone. A fucking coward, that's what I am."
Something trickles down his cheeks; he guesses for it to be sweat, but it’s too salty when it touches the corner of his lips. He sees a blurry outline of Seokjin lean forward, but he puts his hand out. “No, don’t--” He chokes on a lump in his throat. “--it’s okay.”
Seokjin goes back to his position, lost and confused and feeling a whole lot guilty.
There’s an even longer pause this time, which is spent by the two staring at one thing each-- Seokjin at the teapoy before him, and Yoongi at his blurring palms.
“You know,” It’s Yoongi who starts again; it’s always Yoongi. It was, is, and never will be Seokjin making the first move on anything. “When you came back telling you broke up with your boyfriend, I was so fucking glad because I thought I could ask you out now. But guess what came in between? The confusion: can I date my roommate; my friend? No one dates their own friend, right?”
“They do,”
“They don’t ,” Yoongi stresses on his word, glaring at Seokjin. “Stop interrupting me.”
“Let me be the one to do it, for once.” Seokjin replies, face stoic but starting to fill with something. “You liked me, Yoongi?”
Yoongi looks stumped for a second at the sudden change in topic, how easily it fluctuated back to the main one. “Liked you? I still do. I still like you; love you” He shrugs, feeling the regrets that were weighing him fly out, one by one. “But it’s no use, you’d never--”
Seokjin stands up, making Yoongi pause in his speech. For a few minutes, it’s just him staring up at Seokjin, who stands still, eyes trailed on Yoongi. It’s calm; almost peaceful. Yoongi liked this moment of silence, it was much quieter than the ones that came before it.
“Yoongi…” Seokjin says, but the younger could identify the evident quiver in his voice. “I-I didn’t know… I’m sorry; I’m sorry I didn’t know.”
He kneels down, much to Yoongi’s surprise, reaching to his eye-level. Even with his blurry vision, he could see the latter’s slight tremble as he brings his hand to Yoongi’s cheek, wiping the tears away.
Oh, how much Yoongi had wanted to experience something like this. A closeness after his confession.
“But…” Seokjin trails off, and his hand falls to his side.
Oh.
Oh.
He doesn’t understand why he let himself be happy for that one moment. His eyes waver; no, he doesn’t want to hear this. He wants to bask in that momentary pleasure forever.
“But I can’t… I can’t see you as someone like that to me, Yoongi. I’m really sorry.”
Of course.
He should’ve expected this.
He tries to turn away, to hide somewhere before the onslaught of tears fall down, but fails incredibly. One tear falls, paves the way for the rest and it’s just an endless stream from there. It’s one of the very few times he has had such a breakdown like this: the last one was two years ago, when Seokjin had told him that it was a mistake.
He feels a pair of arms wrap around him, and wants to resist it, to learn from his mistakes, but he doesn’t. A bigger part of his heart tells him to let it be, to let them be.
He wants to drown in this moment, right now. He doesn’t want to float back to surface; he just wants to live.
“But,” Seokjin says in between his incoherent and silent sobbing, chin pressed against Yoongi’s head. “I would like to try, Yoongi.”
It takes a few minutes for Yoongi to register what he said and pull away, looking up at him in confusion.
“I want a new start, I want to start over. Why can’t it be you?” He asks, smiling even though his eyes are rimmed with bloodshot veins due to his own tears. “You love me; I’m sure it won’t be long till I feel the same, too.”
There was a bit of uncertainty in his words, Yoongi could realize. But more than the uncertainty, it was the confidence that shined through. Seokjin was sure that maybe he could love Yoongi back, too, so why can’t they?
“Hyung?” He questions, wiping his face hastily to see him clearly. “You-- You really want to--”
“It won’t hurt to try, Yoongi.” Seokjin smiles wider this time, wiping his own tears away. “Maybe back then, if you had asked me, I would have rejected. But now, I want to try. I might not like you as much as you expect me to, but I can--”
He’s interrupted by a chaste kiss pressed to his lips, one that surprises him. Yoongi smiles hesitantly, eyebrows raised in an obvious question.
Seokjin smirks knowingly, nodding slightly before being taken over by another one.
Notes:
okay, trust me i had really planned this from the beginning. i wanted to write a relationship that buds from the start, from a compromise that is the unsure-ness of their relationship. don't worry, it's a happy ending.
AND IT TOOK THESE TWO THREE FUCKING CHAPTERS TO KISS AGAIN OH MY GOD I CANT BELIEVE MYSELF
..... and i think this made for the days i made everyone wait? /awkward grin
hope you like the update~ do leave comments on how it was and kudos too!and don't worry, there's still a few chaps left. just a couple, i'd guess, but this isn't the end.
2020/06/22 (IST): so. this has been unfinished for almost three years, and i tried my very best but couldn't find a proper way to continue the fic. so i decided on ending it here. i'm so, so sorry for everyone who waited eagerly for an update. i hope you liked the fic till here. thank you for the kudos, hits, comments and bookmarks. i'll forever be grateful for that!
my twitter is @typical_fangrl if anyone wants to follow!
poteitoo0908 on Chapter 1 Tue 23 Jun 2020 12:16PM UTC
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TypicalAuthornim (angstoverload) on Chapter 4 Sun 21 Jun 2020 07:39PM UTC
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yoongsbaby on Chapter 4 Tue 06 Oct 2020 04:46AM UTC
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angstoverload on Chapter 4 Mon 12 Oct 2020 07:57AM UTC
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mysg06250309 on Chapter 4 Wed 15 Feb 2023 11:31PM UTC
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