Chapter Text
Rey stares at the way the bobble hula girl dances to the vibrations of the headboard she’s resting on. The view behind her through the window is of evergreen pines dusted with snow. It’s an odd paradox that doesn’t quite fit, but there it is.
Kind of like the way she’s being railed from behind by Ben Solo, the most popular brooding jock in the school, someone on the complete opposite social circle from the one she orbits.
“Fuck yes, baby that’s it.” He says as he grips her hips harder, and his thrusts begin to stutter from their even rhythm. “You feel so fucking good. I want to keep pounding that pussy.”
She listens to the way their skin smacks together as Ben continues to drive his cock into her from behind. Her eyes drift shut when she feels one of his hands on her hip drift around and rubs hastily at her clit. It’s messy, but it works, and she clenches around him with a little gasp.
“Fuck, are you gonna come?” Ben grunts as his fingers slide against her wet skin. “I wanna feel you come on my cock.”
Rey doesn’t get why teenage boys think it’s hot to sound like porn stars when they fuck. Sometimes, Ben will say something, and Rey will feel the responsive twinge in her cunt, but most times, the onslaught of crude language as a means to be sexy isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. At least, not for her.
But one thing Ben does have going for him is the proportionate size of his dick to his 6’3 frame. His muscles are built, but lean from soccer, and his shoulders are so broad that when he wraps his arms around her, she thinks he’d be able to wind around her twice. And then there’s the fact that his hands could cover her entire ass. He’s been able to make her fall apart with the length of his fingers alone.
Yes, she understood why girls in the second-floor bathroom always gossiped about Ben Solo. Most of the rumors spurned from his on-again, off-again girlfriend Bazine Netal. The rumors spread like wildfire, some almost too ridiculous to think true. But now that Rey’s experienced it first-hand…well, she takes all of her criticisms back.
Every single one of them.
“Fucking shit, I’m gonna come,” Ben mutters as his hand presses against her harder, moves against her faster.
She’s close too, and it’s something about knowing that he’s about to completely lose it and fall apart above her that turns her on more than any crass word that falls from his mouth. It’s something about the way she thinks of him losing all sense, because of her.
She imagines it’s because of how desperately he wants her, needs her even, and that thought finally sends her over the edge.
Rey lets out a strangled sound as her pussy clamps tightly around him, and Ben’s hand falls away from her to grab at her hips, and he lets out a long, guttural groan as he grinds her ass against him and empties himself inside of her with a stuttering f-fuck.
She feels him slip out and fall against the bed beside her, sweaty and spent. She looks over just as he’s pulling the condom carefully off his softening cock, before tossing it in the waste bin beside his bed.
He’s panting heavily, like he’s just run a marathon, and one hand comes up to brush his dampened locks out of his face.
It’s annoying, really, how good he looks for being seventeen years old. It’s totally unfair, actually.
He has a satisfied smirk on his face that she wishes she could slap off of him. He looks far too pleased with himself.
Rey sits up so she’s just resting on her knees. Her pussy feels sore from the rough dicking it just received as it stretches in this new position. She looks around the room for her tossed away clothes.
“In a hurry?” Ben asks, and it’s still laden with smugness.
She hops off the bed when she spots her crumbled underwear by his closet door. “We have school in—thirty-five minutes, and it’s my stat final before the break.” She snaps, and no doubt she’s going to be late. The time for the next bus won’t get her in till ten past eight, which gives her less than five minutes to make it to homeroom.
“You know I can drive you.” His voice wafts behind her without a care in the world.
That makes Rey frown, and she grabs her bra off the foot of the bed, hooking it back on with more force than necessary. “I’m good.” She says briskly, and she reaches for her sweater next. Her eyes glance over at him, where he still lies on his bed, completely naked.
Once she is sure her leggings are securely up her legs, she grabs for her socks and shoes before she heads for the door. “I’ll see you—around.” She says as a farewell. She never really knows what to say, never really knows what to do when it’s over.
When she looks back at him again, his smirk is no longer there, and instead, he shrugs with the sort of indifference that reminds her why she’s set boundaries between them in the first place.
“See you at school.”
She practically bolts out of there. It takes her eight minutes to power walk to the edge of Ben’s neighborhood where the bus stop is. She’s familiar now with the three-story houses that line this privileged side of suburbia.
She realizes with a groan, as she’s halfway down the block, that she left her coat in Ben’s car. It’s cold out and had snowed last night, but she’s already late, and there’s no way she’s going to go back there and get it. She just knows somehow, she would end up in his car, or else she would be even later, and that is just not an option.
Rey has made it this far, without so much as a blip on anyone’s radar, that she’s been sneaking over to the Solo house for almost five months. She’s not going to let her stupidity ruin everything now.
The bus stop was only put there as a means for all outside ‘help’ to get to this area of Chandrila. It was a necessity to have a housekeeper, a gardener, a landscaper, and even the occasional pool boy to take care of these ostentatious homes.
Rey sometimes wonders, a little bitterly, if she’s made herself into a service as well. She does only come to Alderaan, the richest neighborhood in the town, to serve one purpose only.
Sometimes she wonders what she was even thinking when all this started, and why she was still stupid enough to continue it.
The summer before their senior year, Rey and Finn had landed jobs at the Waffle Stop. Rey was grateful to have found a job where she could earn extra tips. She’d arrived in Chandrila at the beginning of her Sophomore year. It was a stark contrast, coming from Arizona to the colder, wetter northeast. Her foster parent, Unkar Plutt, and the only mechanic in town was by no means a fatherly figure, but he left her alone and seemed content to let her do whatever she wanted—as long as the checks kept coming in. It was a sort of freedom she hadn’t had before, but with that also came the responsibility of taking care of herself.
From Rey’s past experiences, having a roof over her head and a means to provide for herself with this job, was a situation she could make do with. It was something she could stand until she finally turned eighteen.
Fitting in had been far from easy, but in the second week she’d met Finn in Earth Science—he was crap at science—and they’d been friends ever since.
It’s one Tuesday night when Rey was working a later shift at the Waffle Stop that Ben Solo came in alone.
He’s pissed that much is obvious. He yanked the door open harder than necessary. The bell jingled violently against the frame.
Rey was sitting at the register, watching him with scrutinizing eyes as he slid onto a stool at the counter. He brushed his hair back and away from his face in that way of his that was rudely disarming.
Ben was a very unconventional sort of attractive, but knowingly attractive all the same. It didn’t help that Rey has heard the way other senior girls had snickered about how good he was in bed, or the way his brooding exterior was so insanely sexy.
Even when he’s pissed off, Rey would admit he did look like sex on legs.
It’s the sort of thought, however, that Rey allowed herself to think for five seconds before she pushed it away and behind a door inside her subconscious. There is a far and wide divide between her and Ben Solo—socially, economically, realistically. It’s so distant that any thoughts she has of—what if—are so unparalleled that it’s almost laughable. She felt the proverbial door of her unsolicited thoughts shut tight before she exhaled and walked over to him.
Approaching him felt like coming near a wild animal. There was a dark aura around him that oozed anger, and danger, and heat.
“Do you know what you’d like to order?” She asked, and she waited with a trepid uncertainty to the answer she was about to get.
Ben’s eyes remained focused on the countertop like it was the most interesting thing he’d ever seen. His shoulders roiled, and it was accentuated by the darkness of his black t-shirt against the cream and yellow colored tiles of the Waffle Stop. He sighed, long, his hand running through his hair again before he pulled at the ends of it.
“Chili cheese fries with maple syrup. And coffee.” He grumbled, and his voice was such a low baritone. Rey realized she’d never really heard his voice before.
It surprised her, as did his request.
“Sorry?” She asked because she wasn’t sure if she heard that last part correctly.
“I know it’s fucking weird, all right.” He snapped grouchily. “Just bring the syrup on the side or whatever.”
He still didn’t look at her. He seemed to have gone into his own world as he drummed his fingers against the counter.
“Coming right up,” Rey mumbled as she went to the back to put his order in.
He barely muttered out thanks when she pushed the plate in front of him and set the syrup dispenser next to the sizzling blend of fried potatoes, cheese, and ground beef.
It’s when she asked him if he wanted a third refill of coffee, even though it’s almost close to 10 pm and on a school night, that he decided to say more than a few words to her.
His next words, however, are far from what she expected.
“You ever just think we’ve been put on this earth by a bunch of higher developed extra-terrestrials that set us up as like an experience on human nature and destruction?”
Rey stared at him as she poured his coffee. Maybe she shouldn’t have offered another refill.
“I sometimes wonder if this town is one big social experiment.” She replied gloomily as she placed the coffee pot on the counter.
Ben crossed his arms over his chest and leaned forward against the counter. It made his expansive chest and shoulders seem even bigger. Almost like he could hover over her if he leaned forward just a few more inches.
“This town is already definitely fucked up.” He agreed with a nod. “Everyone is just fucking—doing everything for themselves. Everyone’s a self-serving fuck.”
Rey gave him an odd look. “Does that ‘everyone’ include yourself?”
That made him look at her face then, and she was startled by the intensity of his gaze. His eyes were like the color of the syrup he’d drizzled all over his plate.
“Absolutely.” He replied seriously, and then his eyes narrowed as he studied her for the first time. “You were in my physics class…” He trailed off, and she watched as his eyes flit down to her chest, and she could feel the blush rising to her cheeks. She was about to tell him to fuck off when he finally said, “Rey.”
She glanced down and felt like an idiot when she saw her nametag with her name embossed on the hard plastic. There’s a yellow happy face sticker next to it, and she felt a little lame in regards to its cheery presence.
Then there was the other thing…the fact that he didn’t even know her name.
Just another reminder that to him, she was nobody.
“Uh, yep and English Lit.” She added, and he just shrugged.
“Right well, what do you think? You’re new here, right? What kind of impression has Chandrila had on you?”
Rey wanted to tell him that she’d been here two years now, that yes, she didn’t grow up here, but in the two years she’s lived in Chandrila, she’d known about him since her first day at Chandrila High.
“There are worse places.” She replied cryptically. There’s no way she would tell him how much worse it could be. It’s not like they were friends. “You still working on that?” She asked, pointing to the remnants of fries and dried cheese. The gooey stickiness of the syrup mixed with the coagulated dairy made Rey want to gag a little bit. Seriously, what an odd combination.
Ben pushed the plate away and towards her. “Everyone here is just so fucking predictable. I can’t wait to get the fuck outta here.”
It sounds nice in theory. It’s something Rey has thought about herself, but it always comes back to that same question. Where else could she go?
She’d spent so much of her life running, surviving. This was the first place where she didn’t have to sleep with one eye open. She didn’t have to pick at people’s leftovers or shoplift her clothes from the Kmart right off of the interstate.
But it makes sense for them to have different perspectives of ‘shitty’.
And it’s idealistic, and the hope of a dream that had her ask, “Where would you go?”
Ben shrugged. “I dunno, maybe a bigger city. Fuck, maybe out of this country. Just somewhere else where everyone doesn’t know your fucking name.”
Rey gave him a look. “You don’t like being popular?”
“I don’t care about fucking social constructs or any of that.” Ben scoffed as he pushed his elbows off the counter. “All of my friends are fake and full of shit. They just hang on, no matter how much of an asshole I am to them—because they think I’m worth something to them. You probably think I’m a dick for pushing some sob story on you, huh? I don’t even know why I’m telling you this.”
“Do you want the check then?” Rey asked with a clipped tone. Honestly, she had no idea why he was unloading on her either, and she couldn’t decide how she felt about it.
Ben pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and fished out a twenty before dropping it on the counter. “Will this cover it?”
Rey stares at the paper bill. “Do you want any change?”
“Nah, call it compensation for listening to me bitch about being a privileged asshole.” Then he got up from the stool and did the most surprising thing yet.
He winked at her.
Rey didn’t let herself smile about it until she was on the bus home.
From then on, Ben started coming in at random times during the week, always around 9 pm and always at the counter where Rey served him chili cheese fries with maple syrup.
They’d talk about random shit. Mostly it was Ben giving a sometimes melodramatic opinion about something he disliked.
It was after his third visit that he found out she took the bus home after work at 10:30 at night and offered to drive her home after her shift.
Rey couldn't remember, exactly, what possessed her to take him up on his offer. Maybe it was the way his dark eyes seemed to peer into her soul when he looked at her. Or the way his lips would pull into that well-practiced smirk that had the effect of making her knees turn to jelly.
It was two rides home after that, that Rey found herself straddling Ben in the front seat of his Ford Mustang.
“Shit, I wanna fuck you.” He groaned against her neck, and it made Rey freeze. It made sense, she’d been grinding against his erection for a good five minutes at least. Ben’s hand was already up her shirt and shoved underneath her bra. He squeezed her breast as a signal to draw her attention back when she didn’t respond to him for a good while.
It’s not like Rey hasn’t had sex before. Growing up in the system and moving around a lot, had her exposed to a lot of different sort of living situations. Almost all had been very minimally supervised. Rey had grown up much quicker than most kids her age.
But she’d never fucked anyone who was like Ben Solo.
She felt herself get wetter just thinking about it, and she nodded into his hair. His response was immediate, and his hands shot down to her hips as his thumbs hooked into the edge of her jeans.
It was the first and last time Rey swore she would ever fuck in the front seat of a sports car.
After that, it sort of became a casual routine of theirs throughout the rest of the summer. Ben’s parents were often never home. It was almost like he lived there all by himself. Even the occasional time he would sneak her into the house, it was so big, and his parents never bothered him. They were able to do whatever they wanted. As long as Rey was quiet and snuck out afterward without a trace.
Rey’s not sure if it was because it started this way, but the second school started, and the thought that they would be in close proximity with each other and other students crossed her mind, Rey had decided they needed to have some conditions.
They were lying in his bed. Her shirt was already off and thrown somewhere. Ben’s left hand was deft at unbuttoning her jeans, and his fingers had begun to snake their way into her panties when she pulled apart from his kiss.
“We have to talk about something.” She breathed, as he moved to chew gently against the skin at her neck. Rey felt her eyes flutter shut at the sensation. The things that boy could do with his mouth…
“Mmm,” was all the reply she got as Ben slid a finger against her slit, teasing at the wetness there.
Rey squirmed against him as she tried to keep her thoughts focused. “When school starts…we should probably…not tell anyone about…this.” She panted out the words with great difficulty. Partly, because Ben was a God damn menace with his hands, and partly because she had no idea how to bring this up without sounding like a complete idiot.
Her words made Ben pause. His hand drew out of her pants as he rested above her, perched on his elbows.
“What do you mean by—this?” He sounded more curious than offended.
Rey shook her head. “I just mean—have you told anyone about us? About the fact that we’re having sex three to four times a week?”
Ben huffed, and his breath brushed against her face as he did. “That’s not really anyone’s fucking business.” He growled before his hips acted on their own violation and pressed surely between her open legs and against the covered warmth there.
“I just mean, we aren’t…dating or anything. So, I just think it would pose more problems if people knew we…knew each other…”
“Who the fuck cares if we know each other or not?”
Rey felt exasperated trying to find the right way to explain this to him. Of course, he wouldn’t get it. He didn’t know how mean girls could be. And it wasn’t like he was asking to be her boyfriend—something she wasn’t even sure if she even wanted. So instead, she’d be painted as the desert rat slut, who was just trying to whore herself to a better social standing. If Bazine and Phasma’s torment wasn’t proof enough, and that was when Rey was still just a nobody.
Now she was a nobody who was fucking Ben Solo.
“Well, it doesn’t matter for you. No one would care. They’d probably pat you on the back, give you a high five or something. It’s much worse for me, and I’d rather keep my anonymity.” She added that last bit because it was sure to make him understand. It was the thing he seemed to want the most in this world. Well, maybe the second thing.
“Fine, fine.” Ben grated out as he impatiently started to gently thrust against her clothed center. “If I’m still able to fuck you, no one has to know if you don’t want.”
It’s all so very teenage boy that Rey almost rolled her eyes.
“Can I take your pants off now?” Ben asked, but his hands were already tugging her jeans and underwear down her legs before she could answer.
The first month of school, it all seemed fine with Rey. Nothing was different. No one was calling her a slut or a whore, just the usual nickname.
“Hey Desert Girl,” Hux called to her once in the hall. It was the first time she caught eyes with Ben ever since school started. His eyes darted across her before he looked indifferently away.
She didn’t hear what else Hux had to say because her mind and her heart were struck with the odd sense of rejection from Ben’s brush off. Even though he was only doing what she wanted. Even though she saw him that morning when he had his face shoved against her pussy.
It was the first time she was reminded of her own rules. She didn’t understand why she felt so disappointed following them.
Another thing Rey hadn’t accounted for was the opportunities she would get to be white-knuckled with jealousy as she watched the way other girls were around Ben.
More specifically, how Bazine Netal pranced around him like he was still her boyfriend.
“Rey, that’s the fifth pencil tip you’ve broken,” Finn commented from where he was sitting next to her in the lunchroom during their free period. “Everything okay?”
Rey snapped her gaze away from the table across the room, where Bazine had perched herself on Ben’s lap as she laughed at something he said.
Rey never thought Ben to be a very funny guy. She tried to imagine what he could possibly be saying to make her laugh like that.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m good. This test coming up just has me stressed.” Another thing she’s noticed is how much better she’s gotten at lying.
It’s not something she’s proud of. Especially because the person she was lying to the most was her best friend.
She thinks the same thought constantly every day, maybe every hour. She contemplates why they’re even doing this at all. There was nothing special about her, nothing exceptional. She was practically invisible.
Maybe that’s what he liked about her. When they were together, it was almost like they were in their own little bubble, and they could be anyone. They could be wherever they wanted. Maybe she was the sort of escape Ben Solo had been searching for all these years. In a way, he was hers. He was that dream of more that she believed had to exist out there somewhere. It wasn't a reality somoene like her could ever have, but it was nice to imagine once and a while.
And she would be a liar if she didn’t like the way he touched her like he’d been waiting years to finally feel her skin. She'd be a liar if she denied feeling that fluttering in her chest when he held her like he couldn’t imagine taking his hands away from her. Or when he kissed her, and he attacked her mouth like she was sweeter than the syrup he poured all over his disgusting Waffle Stop order.
Or when he came inside her, and he’d look at her like she was his whole world wrapped within the safe cocoon of their sex-scape—like everything else was the dream and only they were real.
It was unusual for her, to feel wanted in this way. It was something she didn’t know she would crave so deeply.
Maybe that was why she was able to push away all the painful reminders of actual reality when the truth would hit her like a brush of cold air to her face. But she’d done the latter already, she’d been the school slut all because she let one boy inside her pants. After that, it didn’t seem to matter, if she already was what they said she was. Why not make those rumors true? She let the fleeting exhilaration of being wanted, needed become almost like an addiction in itself.
Except when she was receiving it from Ben, it was almost one hundred times worse. It was one hundred times more consuming, and it was harder and harder to imagine letting go of it once it came to its inevitable end.
And now, here she is riding the bus from Alderaan to school. She’s going to run into Finn in the hall, and he’s going to comment on the fact that she’s late—again, and she’s going to lie again and give him some lame excuse about Plutt like she always does.
And deep inside, she’s going to feel a little bit more terrible about all the lies as each one spews out of her mouth.
“Hey, there you are!” Finn exclaims relieved as Rey rushes through the door. “I can’t believe Plutt is that much of an asshole that he’s making you do errands for him before school.”
Rey just sighs and shrugs in response. “The bus was also a nightmare. The fresh snow from last night made the roads icy. I swear we were going like eight miles per hour.” She feels her stomach roil as the lies fall like raindrops.
“Whatever, only two more days until we have two weeks of freedom!” Finn exclaimed as he draped an arm over Rey’s shoulders. “Speaking of, I overheard Jannah telling Rose about Kaydel’s Christmas Party. Basically, the whole school can come, which means we’re going.”
Rey groans. “Was this during one of your hovering over Rose moments? I swear, Finn, she’s not going to like you if she thinks you’re a stalker.”
Her best friend makes a disgruntled sound. “I—I was not hovering, you know our lockers are near each other. I just happened to overhear…”
“Yeah, yeah whatever you say, but I’m not going to the party,” Rey responds assuredly.
Finn moves to stand in front of her. “Rey, please, please I need you. This is our senior year, and Rose has even glanced over at me at the locker a few times. I think we’re making progress.”
“Have you ever had a real conversation with Rose?”
“We were chem partners for half of the semester.” Finn balks.
“Right, so you talked about the periodic table and what else?”
Finn glares. “You’re being more contemptuous than usual, and I don’t appreciate it. Something going on?”
Finn is saying more, but Rey’s attention is quickly stolen away when she notices the tall, hulking figure walking down the hall behind him. She keeps her eyes trained on Finn until the last second when he’s about to pass her. Hux is with him, and the smarmy bastard—for whatever reason—always throws a snide comment out to her when he sees her. She braces for the inevitable.
“Hey, Desert Girl. You know it’s like thirty degrees out, right? What, your foster parents can’t even give you a coat for winter?” And then he cackles like he’s served the best burn.
Ben glances in her direction, taking in her pink cheeks and her coatless form, but passes her without a word.
“Very original dude!” Finn calls back to them, but Rey doesn’t turn around to see if they respond. “Where is your coat, by the way? Are you sure everything’s okay? You know my mom always said you’re welcome to stay with us if you ever need—”
“I’m fine.” Rey rushes out, the whole debacle, and calling of attention to her state of dress has her feeling subconscious about the reason as to why. “I—I was in a rush this morning, I just forgot it.”
They start walking down the hall to homeroom. “Okay, I’ll table the party conversation for now, but at least tell me you’ll think about it.”
Rey doesn’t go to parties, and normally neither does Finn. But over the last few months, his crush on Rose has burgeoned into a full-on infatuation. Ever since Rey moved here and she and Finn became best friends, they’d always been stuck at the hip. They were both sort of on the outer rim of the very tight-knit social circle in Chandrila, but it was totally fine because they had each other.
But now, things were more complicated because Finn had a crush, and he wanted to explore it. If Rey wasn’t trying to keep a secret the size of an elephant from the whole school, she might’ve been more game to be a better wing woman.
Rey thinks she’s been a terrible friend.
“You know what, you’re right. It’s senior year, we should do stuff. Let’s go to the party.”
Finn looks ecstatic beside her. “Really?”
It was going to be their last year together. She already felt guilty for spending less time with Finn ever since she started sneaking around with Ben.
Then there was the fact that Finn was definitely going to go somewhere for college, probably somewhere really prestigious. While Rey wasn’t even sure if community college was in the cards for her. Once she turned eighteen, once she was no longer an investment for Plutt, she was out. Then she was truly on her own.
No number of hours working at Waffle Stop could pay for a place to sleep and college.
Rey smiles tightly at Finn’s beaming face, and she hopes it looks convincing enough. “Yes, in the spirit of Christmas and all that.”
“Yes!” Finn pumps his fist in the air. “We’re going to be real high school kids with real high school kid experiences!”
“You’re ridiculous.” Rey shakes her head as they walk through the door to their homeroom with seconds to spare.
As they sit down in their seats, Rey begins thinking about the prospect of Kaydel’s party. She also lives in the same neighborhood as Ben, in one of those big houses in a cul-de-sac. Since Rey has never been to any high school party before, she has no idea if this is something Ben—who claims all his friends suck, and apparently hates the societal norms of Chandrila—would go to.
Her heart hammers faster in her chest as she imagines seeing him there, what he would do if he acknowledged her. If, under the influence of alcohol, he would do something stupid, if she would do something stupid.
The anxious thoughts continue to pummel her brain as she walks to her locker after third period. When she unlocks it, she blinks in surprise at her slightly grungy white puffer. The same white puffer she left in Ben’s car the night before…
She feels the urge to glance around and see if he’s lurking there somewhere, but of course, that is a ridiculous thing to think. She should be more concerned with the fact that Ben was able to break into her locker and put her coat in here in the first place.
And then the first spark of the thought enters her consciousness before she can help it. The warmth starts to spread from the center of her chest and outward as she feels a bubbling emotion begin to encompass her whole body.
“It’s just a jacket.” She mutters as she slams her locker shut.
-
On her night shift at the Waffle Stop that next day, Ben walks in at his usual time like clockwork. He slides into one of the counter seats with his hands stuffed in the pocket of his hunter green hoodie.
Rey counts to five before she goes over and pours him a cup of coffee. “The usual?” She asks in the calmest tone she can manage. Her mouth wants to blurt out a slew of questions that have been pressing on her mind since she saw him last. She wants to know if he’s going to the party on Saturday. She wants to know why he returned her jacket to her locker. She wants to know how the hell he even got into her locker in the first place.
She wants to know if he thinks of them as anything more than a quick fuck.
But…she also is terrified to know the answer to that last question.
“Yup.” He says as he reaches for the mug and takes a sip.
When Rey brings him the loaded fries, the syrup is already drizzled on top just how she knows he likes it. After watching him do it himself for the first month of his late-night binges she’d got the syrup to cheese ratio down pat.
“You can have some if you want.” He mutters, and he always offers to share with her now. Rey can't remember exactly, but this new development had started a few months ago.
But Rey would always decline and say, “I can’t. I’m working.”
He would just shrug it off, but to humor him, Rey would at least sneak a fry or two whenever she’d come by for a refill, and she tried not to let the way his smirk melted onto his face melt her insides along with it.
They’re in his car on the way back to his house after her shift, and his hand is resting atop her thigh, spanning the entire width of it. His fingers are so long that when they dip between the crease of her legs, he easily can brush his fingers against her cunt. She huffs when he teases her like this. She can always hear the smirk with the way his nose snorts softly as his pinky reaches out to stroke her through her jeans.
One of her hard-pressed questions fights its way out as a means to distract herself from his current ministrations.
“I heard Kaydel Ko Connix was throwing a Christmas party on Saturday.”
“Hmm.” Is all Ben says in response, but his hand gently squeezes her thigh. His fingers knead into the softness of her inner thigh before he cups her cunt with his palm.
Rey snaps her legs shut, and they clamp tightly around his hand in an attempt to stop it from moving.
Ben makes a growling sound in disapproval, and his hand curls into a fist so that his knuckles can keep rubbing against her. Sometimes, it’s a game that they play, one that Rey often always loses. She’s already halfway to submission when she blurts out, “I was thinking of going. Finn wanted a wing woman.”
That makes Ben pause. “I thought you hated parties?”
Rey sighs. “It’s Christmas,” she says like that’s an answer enough.
“I didn’t know you were religious.”
“Can’t people who aren’t religious still celebrate Christmas?”
“Are you asking me if I’m going to the party?” Ben asks abruptly, interrupting their incoming argument about holidays and who has the right to celebrate them.
“No,” Rey says immediately. “I just thought I’d let you know that I was going.”
Ben is silent for a while. “Okay.” He says, and she can hear the smile in his voice. It makes her glance over at him, but in the dark, it’s hard to see much. “Can you spread your legs for me now, baby?” The sudden shift in his tone makes Rey’s legs practically fall open. She sort of hates how he is able to affect her like this. Her desire burns white-hot as she feels his fingers inch inside the front of her still buttoned jeans as he pulls into his driveway.
Rey breaks her rule about not fucking in sports cars just this once.
When he grunts about how perfect she is, as he rips the condom off and his come spurts across her stomach, she lets her eyes squeeze shut, and she imagines he actually means it.
They’re now officially on winter break. Ben’s parents went to the Swiss alps for the next two weeks. Their trust in their son to not get into any trouble astounds Rey.
But it could have something to do with the fact that he’s never gotten caught before. So the circle of trust remained strong, it seemed.
Rey has stayed over before, and on weekends too, but she’s always had a shift to go to or some reason to leave in the morning. This is the first time she doesn’t have an excuse.
Ben has his arm around her, and she’s pulled taut against his chest. She can feel his morning wood grinding against her ass as his arm moves to cup her breast.
“Mmm, you feel good.” He murmurs sleepily, and he squeezes her tit. His hand then moves to travel down to her underwear. His fingers brush against her folds as he coaxes the wetness out of her.
She tries to stifle her gasp, but it’s exactly what he wants to hear, and suddenly Ben is all over her.
His hands turn her so she’s facing him, and she grimaces when he kisses her, shoving his tongue down her throat. Rey’s mild disgust about morning breath and the thought of kissing him without having brushed her teeth is pushed to the back of her mind when his finger slides deep inside of her.
“Fuck, I’m so hard Rey.” He groans into her neck as he adds a second finger and dips it inside of her. “You’re so fucking wet. You’re always so wet for me.” His free hand reaches out to his bedside drawer, and he pulls it open to grab a condom. She quickly pulls her underwear down her legs before her hand reaches down to stroke his cock, and it makes him groan again louder this time.
She’s a little obsessed with the sounds he makes. Especially knowing she’s the reason he’s making them.
He does quick work with the condom, and he slides into her with a stuttering ‘shit’ as her body accepts all of him in one stroke.
Rey thinks her pussy is so accustomed to him, that every time he enters her, it’s like it’s welcoming him home.
It’s a heavy thought that makes both her heart and her cunt seize.
Ben takes her reaction to mean one thing, and he starts to pull out slowly before thrusting back inside of her. “Do you like that baby? God, you always feel so fucking good.”
Rey…is not very talkative during sex, she never was. But Ben, he’s the complete opposite. He won’t shut his mouth. It’s oddly uncharacteristic of him, some of the things he says. Most of it is crass, and something Rey is pretty sure people only say in pornos. But sometimes, it’s praise, and it’s something Rey never considered to be something she would like. Something she might even love.
She isn’t used to being ‘perfect’, or feeling so ‘fucking good’. And to Ben, she apparently is all of those things. Or—it is just something he says when he has his cock balls deep inside of her that he doesn’t actually know what he is saying.
But Rey is a lot more conscious during sex. Almost as a means to stay grounded to reality because every time she fucked Ben, it got easier and easier to just get lost in him.
And that would be a terrible, terrible mistake.
Her breath catches when Ben lifts one of her legs up and around his hip, changing the angle of his trusts and rubbing against her clit in the process. He starts to rut faster against her, his thrusts turning sloppy. She knows that means he’s close.
“Ungh I’m close baby. I’m gonna come in you, do you want that? Do you want me to come in you?” He pants into her ear as he thrusts roughly into her with definitive strokes.
She can hear the squelching of wetness as their bodies join together in their well-practiced dance. Her head tilts up, and she can see the twitching movements of the hula girl above her. Her little straw skirt flicks into view with each thrust of Ben's hips.
Rey closes her eyes as she imagines they’re a bit older. She imagines they are done with college, and maybe then she would want him to come in her. Maybe they’d be in an established relationship, and maybe they’d stop using condoms. She knows Ben likes the idea of it, he must for how often he says it. Or maybe he just thinks it’s something hot to say like what he hears when he watches people fuck on the internet.
When Rey thinks of them as something more than just this, she feels her pussy flutter. If only Ben knew that it wasn’t just his body that made her orgasm harder than she ever had with anyone else. It only he knew it was because there was a growing part of her, deep inside, that wanted more.
The thought alone was as orgasmic as it was terrifying.
“Fuck, I can feel you coming. You feel so tight around my cock.” Ben groans, he sounds in awe as his hips stutter a few more times before he stills and gently collapses on top of her.
He lets go of her leg and it drifts down to the mattress as Ben catches his breath above her before rolling off with a sigh.
“You know,” Ben pants, as he disposes of the condom, “I think I will go to Kaydel’s party Saturday.” He sounds thoughtful, but nonchalant at the same time.
Rey’s heart rate picks up at his words. “Oh?”
Ben puffs out a breath, and it makes the hair that’s fallen in front of his face fly up. “Yeah, maybe it would be a good place to…meet—for the first time. Maybe we could interact in front of people—together—and it won’t be weird.”
That makes Rey freeze. “What?” He can’t be proposing what she thinks he’s proposing.
Ben sighs. “I mean, we’ve been sneaking around fucking for months. Maybe it won’t be a big deal if people found out we were just—fucking around.”
Rey sits up panicked. “That would definitely be a big fucking deal!” She exclaims as she tries to figure out his thought process. “Ben, you know your friends say shit about me to my face, as I’m sure they say even worse things behind my back. I’m—no, we can’t. No one can know.” The torment would be too much.
Ben sits up beside her and runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “Why do you care so much about what they think? Fuck them, and everyone else. Running away only gives them power.” He says loudly, he’s almost shouting.
It makes Rey’s resolve harden.
“You don’t get it, clearly, and you’re never going to.” She throws the covers off of her and gets out of bed. She’s wearing one of his shirts and nothing else, but it covers her ass, and she shuffles around his room looking for her discarded clothes.
“I guess I don’t.” He says emotionlessly, but she can hear the way his breath leaves his chest in a shaking exhale.
Rey finds her pants. “Why do you want people to know about us so bad anyway?” She asks accusingly.
He scoffs behind her, and she knows he’s put his cool kid persona on full blast. “I don’t, I just think sneaking around is fucking stupid.”
Rey throws his t-shirt off and pulls her tank top and sweater back on. “I told you my reasons why I wanted us to be kept a secret. If you don’t care, then you could at least respect my wishes.” She says coolly, and she turns to face him then.
He’s glaring at her, and it makes her glare right back. He could be such a fucking dick sometimes.
“Whatever,” he snarls, and then he turns his gaze away from her, reaching for his phone, a defense mechanism that signaled the end of their conversation.
Rey doesn’t forget to grab her coat this time as she stomps out of his room.
“I’ll see you on Saturday then!” He calls callously behind her, and Rey grits her teeth at the thought.
It turns out to be all she can think about the next few days—or more like fret about. Rey is this close to bailing. When Saturday finally rolls around, and Finn calls her excitedly about the party, she can’t find it in her to ruin this for her best friend.
Even though she may be about to ruin her own fragile invisible bubble she’s created for herself by going.
She walks slowly down the walkway to Finn’s house. They were going to take an Uber so that Finn didn’t have to be DD. When he opens the door, he looks down at her with a frown.
“That’s what you’re wearing?” He asks with a slight judgment to his tone.
Rey looks down at her outfit under her white puffer. She’s wearing a black sweater, black jeans, and black Chucks. “What’s wrong with this?”
“Nothing,” Finn says right away. “It’s just black…I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear all black before.”
“My jacket’s white.” She comments, and it makes Finn roll his eyes.
In all honesty, she hoped black would help her blend in with the crowd because she was set on avoiding Ben Solo at this party for the entirety that she planned on being there. Kaydel had a huge house. It was certainly possible to get away with this plan.
When they arrive at 9:30, there’s a good amount of the senior class already there. Kaydel’s house is even bigger than Ben’s. Maybe it’s because it was the only house on the whole cul-de-sac. Rey still couldn’t believe she went to school with kids that lived in crazy mansions like this. It’s no wonder most of them thought of her as less than scum at the bottom of their shoes.
She finds a giant planter in one of the many corners of the house and decides to stuff her jacket in there.
Finn zooms back over to here with two red Solo cups in hand and gives her one.
“What is this?” Rey asks skeptically as she sniffs the odd-smelling red liquid.
“I don’t know. It was in a bucket that was labeled ‘Naughty Juice’.” Finn looks excited as he explains it to her. “Come on, Rey, it’s our first party. We have to experience the Naughty Juice.” He takes a sip and makes a face. “Ack, that tastes terrible.”
“You’ve really convinced me to drink this,” Rey mutters as she takes a tentative sip. It tastes like rubbing alcohol, and what she imagines ethanol to taste like with a tinge of cherry syrup flavoring mixed in. “This is beyond disgusting.”
“It’s supposed to get better as you keep drinking it—apparently.” A voice says from beside her. Rey watches as Finn almost jumps a foot in the air, his drink almost spilling on his brown leather jacket.
“Hey, Rose!” He says with a bit too much excitement. Rey turns to see the shorter girl holding a Solo cup in her hand. “How—how are you?”
Rose makes a face as she holds her cup up. “Trying to choke this down and hating every second of it.” She takes another sip and winces. “It’s cool seeing you guys here, don’t normally see you at these parties.”
Rey nods minutely at the girl. She doesn’t know much about Rose. They hadn’t had a reason to interact, hardly ever had any classes together from what she can remember. But Finn is smitten with her, and it is all he would talk about for a while at the end of their junior year. It got worse when they became Chem partners this year. But it’s also adorable, and Rey is happy that he had a crush. She seemed to be a nice person enough.
It had certainly made her own little secrets much easier to keep with him so preoccupied.
“Yeah, it was this or beer.” Finn says with a dopey smile, and Rey tries to give him a look that says ‘snap out of it!’, but it seems that she’s lost him to infatuation.
Rey takes that as her cue. “Yeah, I’m definitely gonna switch to a beer.” And then she walks off in search of the kitchen in this massive house.
Her eyes flit around the house in every room she enters, scanning the crowd for a certain tall, dark, and brooding head above the rest. No one really pays her any attention, which is just fine with Rey. She is used to being invisible.
She is able to find Busch Lite’s in a cooler, and she grabs one. It tastes like piss, but it’s much better than that poison Finn had gotten her. When she goes back to where Finn and Rose were, she spots them still talking quite animatedly. Finn has his arms stretched out, and it sounds like he’s telling one of his vacation in Aruba stories with the way he’s trying to imitate hang-gliding to Rose.
Even though she just got here, she’s ready to go, or maybe even just disappear for a while. She heads up the stairs, deciding to give herself the house tour. Maybe she can find a more secluded part of the house to hide in until it was deemed acceptable to take her leave.
She barely makes it down the hall when she runs into the host herself.
“Oh, it’s you,” Kaydel says blankly, clearly not knowing Rey’s name. She’s wearing a sparkly gold dress that looks like it costs more than a month’s worth of Rey’s paychecks. Her hair is braided in two elegant styled buns, and she’s got glittery gold eyeshadow on and sparkles everywhere.
“Uh, hi. I was just looking for the bathroom…”
Kaydel shrugs and nods her head in a direction behind her. “There’s one down the hall. I’d watch out with trying any bedrooms, some seem to be occupied already.”
Rey’s eyes widen. “Oh, is that…are you okay with that?” She doesn’t know what inclines her to ask, but she feels awkward and isn’t sure if Kaydel is trying to make conversation with her, or if she was just stating an obvious fact.
The blond just shrugs. “It’s whatever. I already made sure to have the maid service come tomorrow and make sure this place is without a single trace of Naughty Juice in sight. Have fun.” And then she winks and breezes past Rey and back downstairs.
Rey thinks she can hear the slightly offbeat pounding of something that is not the bass of the music from downstairs and decides her tour is over.
She grabs her second Busch Lite before she heads outside to the back patio. She never really drinks, so she’s feeling a slight buzz. Her eyes widen as she takes in the huge pool out back. There’s steam wafting above the surface indicating it’s heated. There are even some people in said pool still fully clothed.
Rey watches them with mild judgment before her eyes feel the magnetized pull of another’s across the way.
She knows before she spots him, but when her eyes land on his face, she’s shocked to see him staring very intently at her.
Rey takes a big gulp of her piss beer and turns to bolt around the side of the house. It’s probably been about an hour, maybe it was an acceptable amount of time to attend a party before leaving it. She makes her way around the huge expanse of the house, trying to make her way back to the front entrance. Why they had to have so many trees and greenery around the place is a question Rey would like to know, as she tries to navigate in the dark around the various hedges.
She trips on something that might have been a flower bed, and she curses, looking behind her as she keeps walking.
So, it’s why when she feels a pair of large, warm hands in the dark, grab her around her waist that she lets out a surprised shriek.
“Shh, fucking Christ, Rey. It’s me.” Ben says, and there’s humor in his voice. “Why were you running from me?”
She can see his smirk from the glow cast over his face from the house. He’s standing extremely close to her, so she has to look up at him slightly so that she’s not starring right into his chest. “You can’t fucking sneak up on people like that—and I wasn’t running from you.” She denies it as she tries to get her heart rate to calm down.
Ben stares at her. “You made eye contact with me across the pool and then bolted.” His tone is serious when he asks, “are you avoiding me? Are you pissed about—whatever it was we were arguing about earlier?”
“Nope,” Rey replies stubbornly. “I was just getting ready to head out, anyway, and uh it was too crowded to walk through the house—” She stops talking when she feels his hands rest back on her waist as he pulls her closer against him.
She lets him because they’re practically in the dark, in whatever jungle landscape the Connix’s had around their house, and away from view from anyone at the party.
“I was waiting for you to show.” He murmurs into the top of her head, and she can smell a tinge of the Naughty Juice on his breath. She wonders how many he had and yelps when she feels him press her flush against his chest.
Rey’s breath is shallow as she looks up at his face, and she gently pushes away from him. He gives her a little resistance before his arms fall away from her. “Well, I made my appearance so—”
“I got you something.” He says suddenly. “A Christmas gift, if you will.” The smirk is back in place.
“What?” She asks quizzically.
Suddenly Ben’s hand goes into his back pocket before it raises high above her head.
Her gaze travels up to see his arm dangling above them with a small green, leafy branch in his hand. She glances at him, and Ben wiggles his eyebrows at her.
She looks at him. “I’m not kissing you right now. You smell like a gas station.” She wrinkles her nose for effect.
And she swears Ben actually pouts at her. “It’s tradition.” He says seriously, and he shakes the leafy twig over her head. “C’mon Rey...please?”
And then he smiles in a hopeful sort of way, and it makes something inside of her chest seize.
Rey stares at him like she’s looking at a different person. Ben Solo and smiling is a rarity that Rey will admit she’s never seen from him until now. She’s shocked.
“What are you doing? You can’t just—”
She’s silenced by his lips as he swoops down to kiss her. It’s a different sort of kiss than the ones they usually share. If Rey were to pick a word to describe it, she would choose…soft…
He’s not attacking her mouth like he wants to devour her like he normally does. He’s not trying to stick his tongue down her throat and taste every crevice inside of her.
It’s unconventionally boyish and sweet, and a whole lot of other things that have butterflies erupting in Rey’s stomach.
It’s terrifying.
She pulls away, and her hand instantly flies to her lips. She glances at Ben, who’s mouth is hanging slightly open, and he looks dazed like he’s not sure why they still aren’t kissing.
Who gave him the right to look like that?
“What was that?” She asks sharply. She feels out of her element. Everything about what just happened is so far from what they’d agreed upon… she doesn’t know what to make of it.
His lips break into another smile, but it’s still not a smirk. He should be smirking at her.
“It’s mistletoe, Rey.” He says simply like that’s the only answer necessary.
Rey lets out a frustrated sound. “You can’t do that,” she says, exasperated. “You can’t kiss me like that.”
Ben looks confused. “Why not?”
“Because—because that’s not what we’re doing here.” She motions between them with her hand like the gesture can extrapolate for her.
Ben straightens, and she watches as his jaw works, his mouth still hangs slightly open. “What are we doing?” He mutters, and the lightness that was there before is now gone.
“I guess, I don’t know Ben. It’s—this isn’t what we agreed on.”
“I don’t understand. It’s a kiss. We have sex. You like it. You come every time… don’t you?” Suddenly, he doesn’t look as cocky as he just did. There’s a glimpse of anxiety crossing over his face, and he looks unsure, almost like a little kid—lost.
It doesn’t seem like the right time to be real with him, and admit she doesn’t come every time. But when she does, she feels so safe in those seconds of bliss, more than she’s ever felt when she’s doing anything else. It’s the only time when she isn’t thinking about every shitty aspect of her life. When she’s with him, she’s able to be with him, and forget the outside world—the dissatisfying reality of it all.
She's able to pretend that someone like Ben could be something like home—like how she imagines it should be.
Rey nods. “Yes, we do that, but we don’t do this.” She’s being vague, she knows, but he should know too. The no strings attached part of their relationship should be a given.
Shouldn’t it?
Ben makes a frustrated sound and runs his hand through his hair, pulling on it hard. “You gotta explain what the fuck ‘this’ means. What is the difference between that and this? I did exactly as you said, no one fucking knows…”
“Yes, okay? Yes, this was what I wanted, but now… I don’t know.” She exclaims tiredly. The words to describe every panicking thought inside of her flutters around her brain in chaos.
Ben stills, and he looks at her. Under the yellowish light from the house, he looks paler and unsure. About what, she doesn't know. “So, what, you want to end this? Done with sneaking around? No longer having fun?” His gaze hardens as he stares at her. “I think about doing something—romantic, something I thought you would like, and that’s it?” His anger is surmounting to something ugly. “It’s too much for you or something? Because we were just fucking, is that it? Just want to end it quietly, pretend it never happened? Just like that, because it was nothing.” He scoffs and looks away from her.
“It was just sex. That’s all we were doing.” She says it more to convince herself because admitting any kind of feelings for Ben—that would be a mistake. He’s making that clear.
They didn’t do longing looks or feelings—and they definitely didn’t do mistletoe.
Ben has his head tilted up, and he’s looking down at her past his nose. “Right.” He says quietly, and it makes something thrash inside of her. Why did he sound so disappointed? Why did he look like the affirmation of this news gutted him right in the center of his chest? Right where his heart was. He clears his throat and looks away from her. “You’re right.” He says with more firmness. “Plenty of pussy out there for me to fuck. I should just go do that then.” It’s harsh when it comes out of his mouth, and it feels like a cold slap across the face.
It feels like a bucket of ice water is being doused over her head. It assures her that she was right all along. She was right to keep him in a box.
Their time was up. Guess Christmas came early.
“This was bound to end anyway,” Rey mumbles, and she’s surprised at the hollowness she feels inside, at the ache in her chest.
“Yeah, whatever,” Ben says shortly, and then he storms past her and back towards the pool without another word.
She watches him go and shivers in the cold. She curses when she remembers she has to grab her jacket before she can officially exit.
She rubs her fist absently at her chest, wondering why she feels like she does. It’s not surprise or sadness that she feels. It’s just empty and uncomfortable, and maybe a little distressed?
Her mind won’t shut the hell up, and that kiss keeps playing on repeat in her mind. Ben Solo and his stupid smile flash before her eyes as she walks around to the front door and back into the crowded house.
She’s not paying attention to her surroundings as she tries to make her way to that room that faced the pool. She’s sure she stuffed her jacket in one of the ornamental vases in there.
There’s a group of seniors sitting at the table in the room, smoking inside. There’s a chill in the air, and one of the French doors is open.
Rey makes her way around the table, ignoring whoever is sitting there. She spots the large pot in the corner and heads towards it with determination.
“Desert Girl!” She hears the nickname ring throughout the room. It makes her steps falter, but she doesn’t stop.
Hux is sitting at the head of the table with a cigar in his mouth. They’re drinking something that is not Naughty Juice out of crystal tumblers. They all look like a bunch of pretentious assholes.
“Letting your hair down?” Hux coos as she edges around the table. Rey is determined to ignore him.
He didn’t like that.
“Hey, I’m talking to you.” He shoves his chair back and stands, blocking her from passing. “You mute or something?” And then he snickers. His tall frame towers over her.
Rey does not like being cornered. She feels a rush of anxiety flood her as she stands there, her eyes locked on the ceramic pot behind him.
She flinches when she feels his hand shoot out and grab her chin, forcing her head up to look at him.
“Oh, my god, what a freak.” She hears a female voice cackle behind her. She thinks it might be Bazine…
“Are you a prude, Desert Girl?” Hux snarls as he stares down at her. “All dried up after spending too much time in all that dust and sand? Probably feels like sandpaper down there.” He laughs haughtily at her, looking beyond pleased with himself. His eyes are glazed when they set harshly on her. His grip on her chin tightens, and Rey tries to pull away, but he just grips her harder. His other hand comes out to hold her arm. “Maybe I should check and see.” His gravelly voice lowers as his hand on her arm does, holding her roughly as she tries to shake out of his grasp.
“Let go of me,” she spits, but his grip on her chin is so hard it hurts her jaw, and she winces.
No one does anything. She just hears more giggles and snickers like nobody cares that she’s being assaulted right in front of them.
“You are pretty, in a scummy kind of way—” He doesn’t finish what he is about to say because suddenly he’s ripped away from her.
The next ten seconds happen in what feels like a whole minute to Rey as she watches Hux turn beside her to the hands that have grabbed him.
“Solo, what—” He doesn’t get to finish that sentence either because, in the next instant, Ben is punching him hard across the face. The force is so strong it knocks him back and onto his ass.
There’s the sound of more chairs scraping across the hardwood floor.
“Ben, what the fuck?” Bazine shrieks so loudly, Rey hears it ringing in her ears.
She glances in shock at Ben, who is just glaring down at Hux like a wild and feral creature. His shoulders are heaving almost violently as he glares murderously at the other boy. “What the fuck are you doing?” Ben’s voice booms and echoes throughout the room.
“Fuck you—” Hux starts, but then Ben is reaching down and grabbing Hux by the front of his shirt lifting him off the ground, and he shoves him against the wall.
It’s then that some of the other kids in the room intervene.
“I’ll fucking kill you.” Ben snarls, and it’s dark and menacing.
Two other boys that Rey doesn’t know the names of, grab Ben by the shoulders and haul him off of Hux. They have his arms pinned behind his back holding him away from the scrawnier red-faced kid.
“Are you on something, you lunatic?” Hux sneers as he rights himself. His nose is bleeding, and he wipes his hand across his face, smearing the blood there.
Rey’s eyes don’t leave Ben’s face as she watches the wrath rage across his features. There’s a litany of emotions crushing her right now. Relief, confusion, pain…desire. It’s too much that she doesn’t know what to do with, so while everyone in the room is still focused on Hux hurling a slew of curses at Ben as he shoves at the two kids restraining him, she flees.
She grabs her puffer out of the ceramic pot in the corner and runs out through the open French door back towards the pool.
Rey doesn’t dare look back at the scene, but she hears something shatter behind her, and her eyes squeeze shut.
She should have expected everything to fall apart. It always does.
-
Rey doesn’t think about the party much, and it’s a whole ten days before she sees Ben again.
They hadn’t spoken since the party. Rey decides that maybe Ben took her words to heart, and after that fight with Hux—he realized they weren’t meant to stay together. Their secret relationship had met its end.
Rey’s picked up a shift almost every day of her break to try and get extra cash. Ben doesn’t come by the Waffle Stop.
Not until 1 a.m. on New Years Day.
The Waffle Stop is the place for kids at Chandrila High to keep the party going once the clock strikes midnight. It might be the busiest time of the year.
This is Rey’s first time working the New Year’s shift. She has to say, for being so busy, the tips are shittier than usual. Drunken high school kids, no matter how rich they were, were still assholes, it seemed.
Thankfully, Finn also took the New Year’s shift. She thinks it’s mostly because Rose was gone with her parents on holiday, but he also claimed he was sorry for bailing on her at the party.
Rey had been too preoccupied with other matters to notice.
She doesn’t think the night can get any worse, but then he walks in. Her stomach drops to the floor as she watches the way he prowls with an even slowness to one of the corner booths with Bazine under his arm and Phasma and few other kids she still doesn’t know the names of. They sit in her section, and she panics.
But Finn is swamped and is already serving six tables. He gives her an apologetic look as he carries four steaming plates to a booth at the other end of the diner.
They haven’t spoken in days, not since their pseudo break up in the Connix shrubbery, or after, when Ben gave Hux a black eye and a bloody nose. Luckily the ginger dickwad is nowhere in sight. Rey is given at least one relief.
She walks over to the table and steels herself.
There are mild shrieks from Bazine and Gwen as she approaches.
“So that’s it? Have you two sealed your relationship status with a New Years' kiss?” It’s Gwen who’s prodding as Bazine preens at the attention.
Rey watches as she leans into Ben’s side, and he has his arm draped over the back of the booth, not necessarily around her shoulder, but semantics.
Rey feels like there is a stone, ice-cold, lodged in her chest. She thinks of that mental door in her mind, that when shut, can block impeding thoughts of Ben Solo out and away. She has to almost force it shut and lean her back against it to keep it closed.
She wills herself not to look at Ben right away, not to investigate this new information. She reminds herself that it’s not her right to know or to care anyway.
“Do you guys know what you want?” She asks, and no one looks up at her. She watches as Bazine twirls a bit of Ben’s hair around her finger and makes eyes at him while he rests his head back against the booth cushion. He looks bored yet restless like he’d rather be anywhere but here.
He doesn’t spare her a glance.
“Uh, yeah I’ll have the lumberjack special.” One of the kids to her left says as he tosses the menu on the table.
“Mm, I’m thinking pancakes,” Gwen mutters. “Make sure they’re the thin kind. Ooh, and coffee.”
Bazine snickers. “Just a fruit bowl for me. I don’t do carbs after drinking.” She turns her gaze to Ben. Her eyes sparkle like she’s found love last. “But I could probably have a fry or two.” She turns her eyes back to Rey, and they turn cold as steel. “He’ll have chili cheese fries.” She says with the confidence of someone who believes to be faultless in her request. Her eyes narrow slightly as she glares at Rey.
Rey’s eyes dart down to her notepad as she underlines NO CARBS twice with a bit more force than was necessary. She jots down a few more orders from the other people at the table, every inch of her conscious fully aware that Ben has not looked at her once.
There’s a sinking feeling in her stomach. It’s heavy, and it’s finite. The message has been received loud and clear.
When she walks away from the table, after serving them their drinks, she hears Bazine rudely say to her retreating back, “so sad to have no friends and be working at a diner on New Year’s Eve.”
Rey clutches the handle to the coffee pot a bit tighter.
Because it’s a big table, she has to serve them their food in two rounds. Of course, the chili cheese fries and the stupid fruit bowl are up first. The dishes stare up at her mockingly. She thinks they couldn’t be more opposite.
But if Bazine was a fruit bowl, what did that make Rey?
She double checks the order and makes sure all is good before she goes over there. Best to make sure there isn’t a problem so she can avoid the group as much as possible.
She sets the bigger plates down first before she nudges Bazine’s ridiculous fruit bowl in front of her. When she sets down Ben’s plate all hell breaks loose.
“Uh, what the fuck is that?” Bazine exclaims as she looks down at the fried cheesy confection.
Rey feels confused as she looks down. She can’t imagine what would warrant a reaction like that from Bazine. She made sure to double-check the order, after all.
She’s about to open her mouth and respond as politely as she can manage when Bazine starts shrieking again.
“This is so disgusting, is that…syrup?” She leans forward to inspect the oozing brown liquid drizzled on top. “What the fuck is wrong with you?” Gwen is snickering beside her and makes an exaggerated gagging sound.
Rey is frozen in realization. She hadn’t even noticed—hadn’t even thought. It was second nature to her to prepare Ben’s order as she had been for months.
Except he hadn’t even ordered it this time, it had been ordered for him—by his girlfriend.
“Oh, uh must’ve mixed up the orders.” She mumbles because, for once, she’s flustered. Rey didn’t expect something as ridiculous as syrup to shake her so profusely, but suddenly she is bombarded with a flush of emotions.
It ranges from embarrassment to horror, to panicked distress, and ultimately to some sort of unexplained pain in her chest at the realization of her mistake.
That door that tried to keep Ben Solo out has busted wide open.
She senses it before it comes, but for some ridiculous reason, she wants to cry over stupid chili fries.
“Sorry, I’ll bring you a new one.” She rushes out before she grabs the plate and makes her escape. As she walks back to the kitchen, she tries to catch her breath, but her heart is hammering uncontrollably in her chest. Her eyes begin to well with tears.
What is wrong with her?
She hears an indignant screech off in the distance, but it sounds far away. She just wants to make it to the back before Finn can see her face and make everything worse by asking her what’s wrong.
Suddenly the plate is ripped out of her hand, and she’s stunned as she stares blankly at her now empty palm.
“Rey, wait.”
She feels something warm on her shoulder nudge her and turn her around. She keeps her head down until the dreaded dish is back in her line of sight.
Except now, it’s in a hand twice the size of hers. A hand she’s very familiar with. The sight of it brings about a longing for those fingers to wind against her own, or brush against her lips, or even sneak their way inside her pants.
Her eyes flick up, and Ben is standing there, the look of indifference now replaced with something else—something on fire.
He opens his mouth to say something, but then he closes it again. Rey feels the silence stretching between them.
“Uh,” Ben starts before he starts looking around. “Can I put this here for just a second, thanks?” He puts the plate down on the booth beside them, where a full table is currently noshing on their bacon cheddar cheeseburgers.
“Um, gross.” Rey hears one of the patron’s mutter as they, presumably, look down at the plate Ben placed on their table.
Rey wouldn’t know, she can’t take her eyes off Ben.
“What are you doing?” She mutters when he just continues to stare at her. She glances behind him to see his whole table staring at them in disbelief.
The busy diner brings her attention back to reality, and she notices Finn glancing over at her from the table he just served.
And Ben, he’s just…looking at her.
She feels a heat rush to her cheeks, and she turns to run to the kitchen.
“Rey, wait!” Ben says again, this time his hand reaches out for her arm and his palm is warm, and it's so massive it covers her entire bicep.
Now is not the time to think about those things.
Ben takes a deep breath. “Rey, I’m sorry.” His voice is deep and raspy. “I’m sorry for everything I did to make you hate me. I'm sorry for coming here and letting Bazine be a fucking bitch to you just now. And that new years kiss--it didn't mean anything. I understand if you don’t want to ever talk to me again, or see me again, but I just needed you to know—I’m sorry.” His cheeks are flushed as well, and he looks almost frantic as his apology spews out of his lips. "I just—I thought you wanted to pretend everything never happened. But I can't fucking help it, I can't pretend or lie anymore. It's tearing me apart."
Rey thinks she’s experiencing some sort of whiplash. Why did he think she hated him? Weren’t they both in agreement that whatever they were wasn’t built to last? She racks her brain as she thinks of the last conversation they had at the party. She’s pretty sure they had both agreed they were done…
“It’s okay, Ben. You don’t have to apologize. I get it.” She says it in a way she hopes sounds mature and level headed. She’d been preparing for this type of situation for months, after all.
He stares at her. “You get it,” he says, and then he looks confused. “Get what?”
Rey shakes her head. “I don’t hate you, Ben. I never did. After Kaydel’s party, I realized the whole thing between us wasn’t going to last past the year. I thought we both were on the same page.”
Ben doesn’t even blink at her. “Uh, we are not on the same page.” He says bluntly. “Why did you think we weren’t going to last?” He has the gall to look hurt.
“We just never would’ve worked!” Rey exclaims quietly. Her eyes dart around the diner, and she sees Ben’s table staring wide-eyed at the scene. If Bazine could conjure up a weapon right now and hurt Rey with it, she would.
Too bad all she has is a bowl of refrigerated winter melon, cantaloupe, and grapes.
“Why?” Ben asks, demanding for more detail, and he looks as exasperated as he sounds.
Rey glances away from him. There are many reasons she’s thought about extensively. Yet, now, in this place where eyes around them glance curiously, where already it’s clear that something is going on between them—Rey is unable to find the right words.
Instead, all that comes out is: “A relationship between us is as inconceivable as a hula girl in the snow. It just doesn’t fit.”
Ben stares at her blankly before his expression scrunches up, and he asks, “what?”
Rey makes a sound in her throat that’s an attempt at dismissive. “We’re way too different. I’m nobody, and you’re—you. There wasn’t—we never did anything besides, you know, and me serving you fries every week. We come from two completely opposite sides of the universe. You’ll get to leave this fucked up social study, but me—I’m always going to be here. Our lives are going to go in completely different directions after graduation. It would be better if we just pretended it never happened. Start the new year fresh. Can’t you just be cool with that?”
Ben’s eyes narrow at her. But what’s worse, is that there seems to be some kind of newfound resolve in his expression.
“No Rey, I’m not cool with that, with any of that. Fuck, I want—I want to share my fucking fries with you, and I want to do it right there. I’ve wanted to do it since the summer.” He points to the counter. “And maybe it only lasts until the end of senior year, but—fuck, what if it doesn’t?”
Rey thinks he’s being far too idealistic. Another obvious difference of how they see the world. It’s a privilege Rey was never allowed.
“Ben, there’s more to a relationship than just sharing food.”
He’s shaking his head at her in disbelief. “I don’t know how this hasn’t gotten through to your thick, stubborn skull. I don’t want to come up with stupid reasons anymore to try and convince you that I want to be with you. Maybe I’m the idiot who didn’t just come right out and say it. Coming in to this shit diner and ordering fries every week just to have a chance to talk to you—to see you. Or using something as fucking lame as mistletoe as an excuse to kiss you.” He stops, his tone is exasperated, and he runs his hand through his hair like he often does when he’s frustrated and—
And Rey feels like she’s frozen in time. Every word that falls from his mouth another shock to her system.
“Because I do, I want to kiss you—all the fucking time. I want to take you on a date that’s not at the fucking Waffle Stop. I’ve fucking wanted you for months—and not just because you're the best fuck I've ever had. And I never cared about what anyone thought or what they would say—and I wish I’d said that to you sooner. I wish I would’ve tried to convince you from the beginning. Because yeah, teenagers can be the worse kind of assholes, but you wouldn’t have had to go through it alone.”
It’s how he looks at her that has her speechless. It’s the way he said to her, you’re not alone, in the way that he did.
It has been the answer to every fear and every reason as to why she never wanted to be close to anyone.
And somehow Ben knew that. Maybe he knew it way before she ever did.
“You’re still not alone,” he adds in a murmur, and she blinks in surprise at how much closer he’s gotten. The fact is even more apparent now that she notices his hands have wound around her waist and pulled her tight into his chest.
His lips are just a tip-toe away, and if they’ve made it this far and revealed this much, what difference would a kiss do to them now?
For the first time in her life, Rey has the courage to make the first move.
She hears a gasp from somewhere behind them when she reaches up to wrap her arms around Ben’s shoulders and crush his lips against hers.
He responds immediately, fully enveloping her in an embrace that feels more solid than any fearful reality she has ever conjured up.
For the first time, this is a reality that feels more like a dream than a nightmare.
When Rey pulls away to catch her breath, her eyes open to meet a smile brighter than the sun.
It's blinding in its brilliance. Everything surrounding them fades to nothing, the appalling sounds from Ben's so-called friends disappear. Finn's shocked exclamation echoes behind him, but that too is a distant and faraway sound.
"If she's a fruit bowl, I'm syrup," Rey murmurs dazedly as she gets lost in the honey swirls of his eyes.
The corners of Ben's eyes crease as his smile widens. "What?"
She thinks, as she stares up into that smile, happiness is a good look on him.
And maybe it’s a good look for her as well.
"Nothing," she says before she pulls him back down against her lips.