all my cards are here

by haey1

Summary:

Sirius cracked a well-practiced smirk, “Nice to meet you, Remus.” Sirius looked at his bandmates loading their equipment into Potter's car, “You wouldn’t happen to know a bassist, would you?”

-

Marauders Band AU - When the Marauders kick out their bassist, they ask local bartender Remus Lupin to step in. As the band gains success, Remus must navigate his new friendship with Sirius under the public eye.

Notes:

• Translation into Português brasileiro available: all my cards are here | Tradução by hatreymon

Trigger Warnings for the whole fic - descriptions of past child abuse, outings, internalized homophobia, homophobia

Here is a playlist for this fic that has all the songs in it!

playlist

Chapter 1: welcome to the marauders

Notes:

hey guys this fic is gonna be long af, sorry in advance
-

 

songs in this chapter:
This Side of Paradise - Coyote Theory

“No, Snape. We’re done with your shit. Get the fuck out of here.”

Remus had just walked out of the bar for a smoke break in the alley. The band from earlier that night was packing up their instruments and, apparently, kicking out their bassist.

“Fuck you, Potter,” the bassist with the greasy hair shot back, “This band is shit anyways.”

Remus lit a cigarette and watched with vague interest. The band had been good tonight. They had a nice mix between rock and indie, not to mention the drummer had been particularly attractive. But now the band seemed to be in total disarray. Over what? Remus didn't have a clue nor did he care. He did not get paid to break up fights.

“Whatever you say, Snivellus,” said the boy in the leather jacket - the drummer, Remus remembered. “You’re an asshole and a racist and if I never see you again, it would be too soon.”

The greasy bassist stepped up to lead singer - Potter, Remus remembered him saying - and Remus groaned internally. He was a pretty good fighter, you had to be when you worked at a bar like this, but he really didn't want any new bruises. 

The keyboardist, a short blonde boy, walked into the alley and looked between his bandmates, “What’s going on guys?”

“We’re kicking out, Snape,” the leather jacket man said, “and he’s trying to stick his big fucking nose in Potter’s face like he could ever take a punch.”

Snape turned on him then, “And you would know all about taking punches, wouldn’t you, Black?”

“Fuck you,” he said with real malice and raised a fist.

“Ay!” Remus yelled from the other end of the alley, “I don’t want any fighting here. Get your shit packed and get out of here.” The boys looked over at him. None of them seemed to have realized he had been there. Remus just stared them down as he blew out his smoke, “I’m not telling you twice.”

The bassist - Snivellus, they were calling him - stepped back, spit on their shoes, and stormed off. Once he finally left their sights, the rest of the band visibly relaxed. 

“Fuck,” the Potter boy said as he leaned against the wall, “What are we going to do?”

“Who needs him? We’re better off without him,” the leather jacket man replied.

“We do need a bassist though,” the blonde boy finally said.

There was a moment of silence as they all appeared to be racking their brains. Remus should probably get back to work by now, but he remained under a false pretense of making sure they weren't going to start another fight.

“I can ask Lily if she knows anyone,” Potter said.

“Asking Lily is exactly what got us into this mess.” The leather jacket man sighed and caught Remus’s eye. “Hey,” he called out, “can I bum a smoke?”

Remus would normally say no. He abhorred talking to strangers, but something about the band intrigued him. Plus, the drummer had looked beautiful under the stage lights. “Yeah, alright,” Remus replied.

The leather jacket man smiled and walked over to Remus. Remus dug in his jacket and pulled out a cigarette and a lighter, handing it over. The leather jacket man was indeed still beautiful, with unruly long black hair and bright blue eyes that made even the dark alley a bit brighter. Remus set fire to the lighter and watched as the soft orange flame illuminated the stranger’s face. 

The stranger leaned into the flame with the cigarette between his teeth. The dancing light caught on the sharp line of his cheeks and the soft chaos of his hair. Then, the cigarette was lit and Remus capped the flame and the alley returned to the same dark and cold it had been moments ago.

“So what’s your name?” the stranger asked.

“Remus,” he replied. There was once a time when he would've been nervous being in such close proximity to such an attractive man, but Remus had worked here long enough to know that musicians are all self-obsessed assholes and he immediately stopped caring what any of them thought of him. Yet still, his mother raised him to always be polite, “and yours?” he said after taking a drag.

“Sirius Orion Black,” he flashed a grin, “star drummer of the soon-to-be world-famous Marauders.”

Remus raised an eyebrow, “Do they have star drummers? Honestly, I can’t name one.”

“Ringo Starr.”

“He was a Beatle. Doesn’t count.”

“Travis Barker.”

“If I asked a random woman on the street who Travis Barker was, she wouldn’t be able to tell you.”

Sirius looked almost offended before reading the small smile on Remus’s face. “Well, then, Remus No-Surname. I guess I’ll just have to be the first.”

Remus looked at him. He truly believed that, and the worst thing was, some part of Remus wanted to believe it too. “Lupin,” Remus said.

“What?”

“That’s my name. Remus John Lupin.”

Sirius cracked yet another well-practiced smirk, “Nice to meet you, Remus.” Sirius took a drag of his cigarette and then looked at his bandmates loading their equipment into the Potter boy’s car, “You wouldn’t happen to know a bassist, would you?”

 

Which is how, the next morning, Remus ends up taking a train to the outskirts of town and walking 20 minutes to a seemingly abandoned warehouse. He would’ve completely turned around were it not for the fact that 1) he heard very familiar voices shouting over very familiar music and 2) if Remus was honest with himself, he’d played in worse. Hell, he’d lived in worse places.

He walked through a door that was barely on its hinges and walked into the open room. Inside, half of the roof had caved in, the walls were covered with graffiti, and there were shattered glass bottles littering the ground. Maybe it had been a factory at some point, but it seemed like no one had occupied in years. It was honestly quite beautiful but only in the way broken things are beautiful.

The boys were in the middle of practicing but when the Potter boy spotted Remus he immediately put down his guitar, “Remus! You made it!”

Sirius stayed seated at the drum kit but gave Remus a wave. He had forgone the leather jacket today for a sleeveless black tank top and his long hair pulled up in a bun.

“Thank you so much for doing this man,” Potter said to Remus. He was talking really fast and looking for a set of papers in his bag. “Snape was such a dick for leaving us like that, especially when we have a gig this weekend.”

“I thought you kicked your other bassist out?” Remus said. It was starting to dawn on him that he didn’t really know these people beyond some night at the bar.

“Well, he forced our hand on that one. I don’t have a lot of rules, mate. We all have our bad days, but I draw the line at bigotry,” at this, the Potter boy looked Remus straight in the eyes. It was all Remus could do to nod. “Wonderful. Okay, so the first song we’re doing is - “

“Wait,” the blonde keyboardist said, Remus still hadn’t caught his name, “shouldn’t we make sure he can play first?”

Remus was wondering the same thing himself, but Sirius spoke up, “Mate, there’s gonna be industry people at the gig this weekend. Talent agents, producers, people who could help us get somewhere. We don't have time to find someone else. All Remus here needs to be is not terrible and we can do the rest.”

The next twenty minutes were spent learning the song step by step. Remus picked it up pretty quickly, especially since he remembered most of it from last night, but he wanted to be absolutely sure he knew what he was doing at every moment. James - the first name of the Potter boy - was extremely patient with him the whole time.

“Okay, I think we’re finally ready to put it all together,” James said at last. “Count us in Sirius.”

Sirius started the count, hit the first few beats and the whole room exploded into a sea of sound. Remus dived in headfirst. It had been so long since he had last played with a band, or at least and a good one, and he had honestly missed it. The way you could completely surrender to the rhythm and focus only on the sound.

Halfway through the song, James shouted, “Okay Remus, bass solo!” and it was Remus’ turn to show off. James had barely prepared him, saying simply to do whatever and the rest of them would follow. Remus decided it was time to show off, playing the most complex bass lines he knows and trying to match the energy of the drums behind him. Sirius followed him perfectly. 

When he finished, the boys just stopped and stared at him. “Well,” Sirius said, “He’s certainly not terrible.”

-

The gig was on Friday night, which meant that Remus had to beg one of his coworkers to pick up his shift and also had to spend every waking moment he’s not at work practicing with the band.

They had fallen into an easy rhythm. Remus would arrive at practice at 5 pm where James would, inevitably, be writing some song in his journal and Peter would be practicing silently on his keyboard with headphones on. Remus would set up his stuff and do some basic warmups. 

Sirius wouldn’t get there until 5:15 because, “Sirius Orion Black has his own time zone,” which Remus learned is just asshole for “I’m always late and I expect you all to wait for me.”

Then they would practice the songs to death until 7 when Remus would rush over to the bar so he could start his shift as the closer and he would work until 3:30-4 am, go home, and start the day all over again. It was exhausting, but Remus liked the band and he needed the money.

The band didn’t talk much; James kept them much too focused on absolutely perfecting their songs. But Remus had managed to learn a bit about them. James and Peter grew up on the same street and had known each other forever. James and Sirius had met at boarding school and have been inseparable ever since. 

There were also things Remus learned that they didn’t tell him. For example, Sirius always had texts blowing up his phone and a growing number of hickeys on his neck. James was in love with some girl named Lily who paid him no mind. Peter was jealous of Sirius and James’ friendship but tried his best not to show it.

They hadn’t asked Remus many questions, which Remus was frankly thankful for. Remus knew what he looked like - tall with scruffy hair and enough scars to make people think twice about hiring him. Most people kept their distance from him which Remus much preferred to prying questions.

None of the Marauders had said anything to him about it, but he knew they were curious. He once overheard James whispering to Peter, “I don’t care where he got them. He plays damn good bass and that’s all that matters,” and sometimes Remus caught Sirius staring at him. Whenever it happened, Remus just raised a silent eyebrow and Sirius would go back to his drums. After living with the scars for so many years, Remus knew how to handle them.

 

By the time Friday night came around, Remus was pretty sure he could play the songs in his sleep. James had texted him the address and time but Remus was still the last one there, even Sirius was there before him.

“Am I late?” Remus asked as he approached the stage where they were setting up.

James looked up with a bright smile, “Not at all!”

“Yeah, but Sirius is already here.”

“Hey!” Sirius called from where he was setting up his drums. “I can be on time.”

“Only because James drove us,” Peter said from his keyboard. Remus nodded but he was acutely aware of the two trains and a bus that he took to get to the venue. 

Remus stood by his corner of the stage and began setting up his bass. Sirius was warming up, playing a tune Remus recognized from one of the songs. Peter had his headphones in and was essentially dead to the world. James was pacing the stage like he was going for the Olympic medal for anxious walking. 

“Jesus Christ, Prongs. I can feel your nerves from here,” Sirius exclaimed. “Sit the fuck down and chill.”

“This is important, Padfoot. This could be the beginning of everything.”

The weird animal nicknames was another thing Remus had noticed. Prongs for Potter, Padfoot for Sirius, Wormtail for Peter. This, combined with the million other times the boys would mention some name they all knew or an inside joke from secondary school, it was like watching someone make plans without you.

The Marauders were cool and they made great music, but Remus had no illusions. He was just here until they could find someone better.

“Oh no,” James said from where he was sitting cross-legged on stage.

“What?” Remus said quickly. He looked around the stage. They had all their instruments. The amps were set up. Even the lighting seemed to be working.

“Lily is coming tonight.”

Sirius exploded into a ball of laughter, “No pressure, mate.”

James ran a hand through his hair, “Fuck, what are we going to do?”

“Are we not just gonna do the set?” Peter asked.

“No, of course not. We can’t just sing our normal shit. This is Lily we’re talking about.”

Sirius came up beside Remus and whispered, “Lily once told James that she would rather die than, and I quote, ‘watch your piece of shit band indulge in the self-obsessed male delusion that is performing.’”

Remus chuckled. He liked Lily already. “What changed her mind?” Remus whispered back.

“No clue,” Sirius said.

James had gone into a full spin frenzy. “Remus, how fast can you learn a song?”

“Pretty fast,” he replied.

“Okay, guys. Scrap ‘Only Losers Live Forever,’ we’re gonna do 'This Side of Paradise.'”

“Absolutely not,” Sirius yelled. “We can’t be changing shit this close to the set, just because your crush is coming. Industry people will be here.”

“Lily will be here! I wrote this song for her! This could be my only chance to show her how I feel.”

“I think she knows how you feel,” Peter mumbled, “That’s kind of the problem.” Sirius gave this a laugh and Remus really wished he knew who the fuck this Lily was. 

“Why don’t you just teach me the song, James, and then if we have time at the end of the set, we do it then?” Remus said.

Sirius looked a bit pissed he even suggested it but James broke out into a smile, “Wonderful. Okay, so it starts with these chords.”

Remus spent the next thirty minutes learning the new song, meanwhile, Sirius huffed and only played the drums after James asked him three times. By the time Remus had learned the song, he was unsure Sirius and James were still on speaking terms. But, it was almost time for the set, so they went offstage to get ready.

Backstage, Remus found Sirius sitting on the ground applying eyeliner in some dark corner of the green room while looking at a dirty hand mirror. “I won’t play it if you don’t want me to,” Remus said to him. 

“No, no. Don’t worry about it." Sirius sighed, "James just has this complete fucking blind spot when it comes to Lily.”

“Mmmm,” Remus said, thinking about all the boys he once wrote love songs to. “I think we all have people in our lives who we’re like that with.”

Sirius glanced at Remus for just a second and then returned to doing his makeup. “Maybe,” he said, “I’m not sure I have one.”

Remus laughed and sat down next to Sirius, “Please, your phone never stops buzzing. I know you have someone.”

“That’s just a bit of fun,” Sirius said dismissively. "No one I'd write a song about."

“Well, you have James at least. He’d do anything for you, that’s clear.”

“Yeah,” Sirius sighed, “and I'd do anything for him.”

Remus smiled, “Even play a song for some girl he’s never gonna get?”

Sirius laughed, “I guess I don’t have much choice when you put it like that.”

Sirius capped his eyeliner and leaned against the wall He stared at Remus and Remus stared straight back. Remus became very aware of everything around him: the cheap carpets, his ill-fitting jeans, Sirius’ tight-fitting black ones, the three inches separating Sirius' knees from his own, Sirius' bright eyes and chapped lips.

He didn’t know much about Sirius Black but he did know this: the man was fucking attractive.

“This is important to all of us,” Sirius said as he shifted his gaze down to the carpet, “but I don’t have a backup plan. Peter has his government job. James has his rich parents. I don’t have any of that. All my cards are here. I can’t fail.”

Remus looked at Sirius, with his posh voice and perfect posture, and wondered how he ended up sitting in the dingy green room of some rundown bar. “This is all I’ve got too.”

Sirius gazed at him and somehow, Remus felt like he was talking about more than just the music.

 

Eventually, a stagehand came out to grab them. They walked out on stage to a crowd of densely packed strangers. The stage lights were still low, so Remus could vaguely make out the faces of a few of them.

“Which one is Lily?” Remus said to James as he put his bass around him.

“Pale skin, red hair, a beauty that rivals the Gods,” James responded and then got up to the mic. The stage lights were turned on which effectively blinded Remus from ever being able to find the infamous Lily in the audience.

“How are we doing tonight?” James asked the crowd and a chorus of drunken woos responded. “Wonderful. My name is James Potter and we’re the Marauders.”

They launched into their first song and Remus focused himself on the music. He heard Peter’s keys, James' voices, and the steady beat of Sirius’ drums. Distantly, as one song moved into another, he was aware of the crowd swaying and dancing along to the music. If Remus could spend the rest of his life one way, it would be like this. 

The music should’ve been difficult, but James’ militaristic training had turned it into muscle memory. By the time they got to his big solo, there wasn’t a single nervous atom in Remus’ body. He gave his entire being over to the music and it showed. 

When their set was up, they were all drenched in sweat and the crowd was absolutely fanatical. There was a flood of screams and even calls for an encore. James looked at the rest of them and mouthed the word, “Lily?”

Sirius nodded and they all prepared for the next song as James got up on the mic. “Thank you, guys. Thank you. Here’s one last song for the night. It goes out to someone special. You know who you are.”

Remus played the opening notes. It was only him and he was focusing so hard on getting it right. Then Sirius came in with the drums and he knew it would all be okay.

James got up to the microphone and sang his heart out:

 

Ask me why my heart's inside my throat

I've never been in love, I've been alone...

 

This song felt different than all the others. So much of the Marauders' music seemed like they were trying to make a popular song. This one felt like James had taken his heart out and poured it into musical notes. 

As they hit the chorus, the energy of the song took over. Every single one of them, even Sirius after his blatant distaste, was putting everything they had into it. It felt like they were all one being, all on one plane.

 

So if you're lonely, no need to show me,

If you're lonely come be lonely with me

 

The crowd was loving it but Remus honestly didn’t care. Just being a part of it was enough.

Once the song ended, the crowd screamed and cheered as they all exited the stage. They filed into the green room with exhausted smiles on their faces. “Great job, boys,” James said to them. 

“Yeah, we were killing it out there,” Peter said excitedly.

Remus looked to Sirius to find him already staring back at him with a wild smile. “You really know how to play bass, huh?”

Remus just shrugged, “I’ve had a lot of practice.”

Sirius looked like he was about to say something else, but at that moment the door of the backstage burst open and a head of bright red hair marched into the room. “Lily!” Potter called out but she walked right past him and stood in front of Remus.

“Remus John Lupin. How fucking dare you?” Remus stared wide-eyed at the furious ginger before it dawned on him.

“Lily Evans! What the fuck? It’s been forever.” Remus pulled Lily into a massive hug. 

“I take it you two know each other?” Sirius said from beside them.

"Yeah, we went to school together for like three years,” Remus said. He had let Lily go but still had an arm around her. “We were absolutely inseparable.”

“We were the scholarship kids at the posh school,” Lily recounted fondly.

“An alliance like no other," Remus said. "Then I moved away and you went to that fancy boarding school. God, I always wondered what happened to you.”

“What happened to me? What happened to you?” Lily was smiling but then she reached out a hand and traced one of the scars on Remus’ jaw. She was the only one he would ever allow to touch them.

“Not to break up this happy reunion,” a voice said from the doorway, “but I’m afraid I must cut in.” Everyone turned to look at the young woman walking in. She had dark brown skin, large curly hair, and a sleek yet professional look that one would not expect for this kind of bar. 

“The name is Marlene McKinnon. I’m a manager for Phoenix Records. I know it’s late so I’ll make this quick. I like what you guys did out there. I liked your energy. I especially liked that last song. I think you guys could be the next big thing and I want to be the person to take you there." Marlene took a business card out of her jacket and handed it to James, “This is my card. I’ll be in my office starting Monday at 10am. If you’re interested, call me. Have a good night boys,” and just as soon as Marlene had walked into the room, she had left it. 

James stared down at the card in his hand, “Did that really just happen?”

Sirius walked to stand behind him and peer over his shoulders at the heavy white business card that laid in James’ fingers. “I think it did.”

Peter broke out into a smile, “I guess that Lily's song was a good idea then.”

“The what song?” Lily accused.

“Doesn’t matter,” James said quickly. “What does matter is that Remus here has known The Lily Evans this whole time and never mentioned anything.”

“You guys never said which Lily you were talking about.”

“Why are you guys even talking about me?”

“Isn't it obvious, Evans?” Sirius hummed, “Prongs, here, is in love.”

Lily pulled a face of disgust, “Ugh, get over it, Potter. It is never going to happen.”

“Just wait, Evans,” Sirius said with a smirk, “One day you’ll see the light.”

“You came to the show, didn’t you?” Peter butted in.

Remus watched as Lily’s face turned practically indignant. “I’ll have you know I only came to the show because Severus asked me to find out about their new bassist.”

“So you came to spy?” Sirius fired back.

“I came as a favor to a friend, Black. It’s not always about some stupid feud between you and Snape.”

“He’s a bigot!” Sirius exclaimed.

“Not he's not! He’s just had a hard life!” 

“Yeah, well so have I! You don’t see me shouting conspiracies.”

Remus looked at the two of them shouting to no abandon. He hadn’t met Snape long but from what he gathered he was bad news. But he also remembered all the stories Lily had told him of summer adventures with Sev growing up. Like always when he hung around the Marauders, he felt like he was missing several crucial pieces of information.

“I don’t want to pick sides because I really don’t know what’s going on,” Remus said, “but it’s been a long day and I just want to go home and sleep.”

This seemed to quiet both of them as Lily and Sirius looked at him with kind eyes.

“Right,” said James, hopping on the quick moment of peace. “I’m with Remus that we should start packing up. Do you need a ride home, Remus?”

“That’d be great, actually. Thank you.” Remus did not want to lug his bass around town this late. He wasn’t sure the trains were even still running. “Can I give you my number, Lils? We should get lunch soon.”

Lily smiled at him and started putting her number in Remus’ phone. As this happened, Remus saw James mouth “Lils?” at Sirius which only earned him a shrug. Lily gave back his phone, “Right, well then. Great job everyone. It was so lovely seeing you again, Remus.” She placed a kiss on his cheek and walked out the door.

Everyone resumed packing, except for James who simply stared at the closed doorway. “She really is something else, isn’t she?” he said dizzily.

Sirius patted him on the shoulder, “Keep dreaming, Prongs.”

-

The next day, Remus found himself on the way to James and Sirius’ place. James had called an emergency band meeting about the whole manager situation. Their flat was in a nice part of town, far nicer than where Remus lived. It was the kind of flat for young professionals or people just out of college who had nice parents who could pay their rent. Remus suspected that James was the latter.

Remus knocked on the door only to hear Sirius shout, “It’s open!” from someplace on the other side. That's another thing - Remus would never leave his door unlocked, even if he was expecting company. Just another luxury we couldn't afford.

Remus walked into the empty living room. The furniture was clearly picked out by someone’s mother; it was all clean and modern. Yet The decorations were something else entirely. The walls were covered with instruments and band posters. The style was the cross between an ecletic musician and 15 year old boy. And there was the framed photos of James and Sirius that were littered on every surface.

Remus went to look at one by the windows. It was seemingly a family portrait with a mother and a father, both with dark skin like James himself, who stood between their shoulders, but right next to them, under the woman’s comforting arms was Sirius. He and James couldn’t have been older than 17 at the time. 

The one next to it was a photo of James and Sirius in what Remus assumed was their dorm at university. Sirius was still wearing that stupid leather jacket with one arm around James’ shoulder and wide smiles on both their faces. They looked completely at ease with the world.

“One of my favorite photos, that one,” Sirius’ voice came from directly behind Remus. 

Remus almost dropped the frame he was holding, “Jesus Christ, Sirius. A warning.”

“Sorry,” he said, not looking sorry in the slightest. “It is my flat, after all.”

Remus put the photograph back where he found it, “My fault, shouldn’t have been snooping.”

“It’s not snooping to look at framed photos, Remus.” Sirius was still standing close to him. Remus liked the way his name sounded on Sirius’ voice. He said it gently as if the word itself was rare. 

“Can I get you anything?” Sirius asked as he walked into the kitchen. “Water? Soda? A beer?”

“It’s 11 am,” Remus responded following Sirius. The other boy had reached into the fridge and already opened a beer can for Remus.

“Time is a social construct,” Sirius said, wiggling the can in front of him.

“I have to work later. Sorry."

“God, do you ever rest?” Sirius said as he sat himself on the counter across from where Remus was standing and took a drink from the can.

“With rent this high? Never.” Remus reached out and grabbed the beer can out of Sirius’ hands, took a large sip, and handed it back to him. Sirius' face broke out into a mischevious grin.

“I didn’t know you were such a rebel, Lupin.”

Remus crossed his arms, “You don’t me very well, Black.”

“We should change that,” Sirius said, leaning in slightly. 

Before Remus could even begin to process what that meant, (didn’t Sirius have a girlfriend?), James burst loudly through the front door.

“You would not believe the line at the grocery store, Pads!” James shouted, oblivious to Remus' prescence in the kitchen. 

Sirius rolled his eyes dramatically for Remus’ amusement and hopped off the counter, “Really?”

“Yeah!” James said and dropped some bags on the counter, “Oh, hey Remus. What are you doing here?”

“You called an emergency band meeting?”

“Oh shit, what time is it?” James checked his phone, 11:10 am. “Okay, we still have at least five minutes until Peter gets here.”

“I thought Sirius was the late one.”

“Oh, I am,” Sirius said, “but Peter always sleeps in on the weekends.”

“Plus, Sirius is only late when he’s with some girl,” James added as he unpacked the groceries, “What’s her name? Amelia?”

“Shannon,” Sirius sighed. “You’re thinking of Emily. Amelia was years ago.”

“Oh yeah, whatever happened to Emily? She seemed nice.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “You barely talked to her.”

“Yeah, but she was pretty. You should’ve seen her, Remus. Long blonde hair and such a beautiful body.”

"Hey! We don't objectify women here," Sirius said, though he was wearing a smirk and clearly recounting a fond memory. 

“You have a girlfriend, Remus?” James asked.

“Nope. Just me,” Remus said. He looked over at Sirius briefly to gage his reaction but Sirius was wearing the same self-satisified look he always does. Was he into Remus or is he just a flirt? It wouldn't be the first supposedly"straight" musician Remus had met.

“Well, if you ever want a girl, just ask Sirius. He’s probably hooked up with half of London by now.”

Remus raised an eyebrow to Sirius. “Don’t scare away Lupin with my sex life. We need him.”

James had finished putting away the groceries and turned to the two of them, “Right. I guess it's a good time to get down to business.”

James walked into the living room and they all followed. Sirius dramatically laid down on the couch while Remus sat in the armchair next to it. James stood as he outlined the plan.

“So on Monday, we’ll call Marlene and set up an appointment to go in and see her. When we go in, we need to know what we want. She’ll probably suggest small-scale touring which I think would be a good move and if that goes well - an album. What we need to know is if you’re in?”

Remus realized James and Sirius were staring directly at him. “Yeah, I’m in,” he said casually.

“Not just now,” Sirius said. His body looked completely relaxed but his voice was dead serious, “this could be the next few years of our life. If we’re touring that means spending every hour of our day together for months.”

For some reason, Remus didn’t hate the sound of that. 

“I know we just met, but you are a god on that bass and honestly, you seem pretty chill,” James said, “If you wanna leave, tell us now so we can find someone else.”

Remus looked at them. Logically, he didn’t really know these people. They could be serial killers or just general dicks. But what did Remus have now? A dead-end bar job he mostly hated and a hundred songs he’s never performed. Why not take a chance?

“Who said I’m going anywhere?” Remus said and James broke out into a wide grin. Remus stole a glance at Sirius and saw a crooked smile on his lips.

“Well, Remus,” Sirius said, “Welcome to the Marauders.”

 

Notes:

i know nothing about music. i also don't have like a specific sound for the band, just roll with it.

update - I've been told u cant start a song with bass. oh well
update #2 - apparently you can start a song with bass???

-

songs in this chapter:
This Side of Paradise - Coyote Theory

Chapter 2: friends, old and new

Notes:

songs in this chapter:
Ship in a Bottle by fin
This is Love by Air Traffic Controller

The meeting with Marlene was scheduled for Wednesday at 2 pm which meant that at 1:15 pm, Remus was desperately going through his closet trying to find the outfit with just the right mix of professional and personality. Every sweater he owned was thrown all over his bed, sp he eventually gave up and called James.

“What the hell are we wearing?” Remus asked as soon as the line connected.

There was a laugh distantly on the other end that sounded suspiciously like Sirius’ but James answered him, “Well Peter is wearing his work suit. I am just wearing a white button-up and some black slacks. Sirius on the other hand is refusing to wear anything but his ripped black jeans and leather jacket - “

“Hey,” Sirius’ voice cut in, “I look damn good and I won’t change my style for anyone.” Remus heard a long-suffering sigh come from James, but Sirius continued speaking, “Honestly, Remus, just wear anything. You always look great.”

Remus had no idea what to do with that compliment so he just looked at his pile of clothes once again. He had a button-up from when he used to do job interviews; it might work. “Okay,” Remus said, “I’ll see you guys there.”

“See you, Remus!” Sirius shouted into the phone and then there was James’ voice saying his goodbyes.

Remus showed up to Phoenix Records at 1:50 wearing black jeans, a button-up, and a comfy sweater. (Ostensibly because it was cold, but in reality, it was because he needed support if he was going to get through this meeting). He met up with the rest of the Marauders and they walked inside the giant glass building.

The lobby was enormous, with wide-open windows, modern sculptures, and a waterfall wall that was at least twenty feet high. Everyone was wearing business suits or professional-looking dresses. Remus felt immediately out of place and started fidgeting with his sleeves.

“Relax,” Sirius said quietly beside him, “You look cute. Marlene will love you.” Remus let out a shaky breath and gave Sirius a small smile.

“Thanks,” he said back. “You look great too.”

“I always do, Remus,” he said and then the four of them made their way to the receptionist's desk.

There was a young woman sitting behind the counter who straightened up immediately when she spotted them. “Hey, Sirius,” she said in a low voice. “It’s been a minute.”

Remus watched Sirius’ face. There was not a trace of recognition in it, but if there was one thing Sirius Black could do, it was flirt. “Hey, love,” he said as he leaned over the counter, “Yeah, it’s been far too long.”

The woman smiled. “So what are you doing here?”

“My band and I have a meeting with Marlene McKinnon.”

The girl turned back to her computer and started typing rapidly. “The Marauders?”

Sirius flashed a grin, “That’s us.”

“She’s on the fifteenth floor. Room 1510. I’ll let her know you’re on your way.”

“Thank you, love,” Sirius said and then leaned in close to her, “text me.” Remus resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

Once they were in the elevator, Sirius was standing against the wall with a self-satisfied smirk.

“How do you do that?” Peter asked.

“I don’t know what to tell you, Pete. Some of us just have charm.” He locked eyes with Remus and winked. Remus refused to unpack whatever the hell that meant.

“Leave some girls for the rest of us, won’t you?” James said.

Sirius was saved from answering by the opening of the elevator doors. The four of them navigated through the winding hallways until they reached room 1510. The door was open, but James still knocked politely.

Marlene looked up, “Oh hello boys. Come in and close the door behind you.”

The four of them sat down across from Marlene. She sat at a large desk filled with papers and photographs of different bands. Behind her were large glass windows that only fed into Remus’ intimidation.

“So, this is the Marauders,” she said.

“That’s us,” James replied, only a little bit of nerves in his voice.

“Tell me about each of you. What you play, how you all know each other, all that.”

“Well, I’m James Potter. I am the lead singer and I sometimes play guitar. I grew up with Peter Pettigrew,” he gestured to Peter, “who plays keys and then I met Sirius Black at school, he's the drummer, and the three of us became friends.”

“Sirius Black,” Marlene interrupted, “Any relation to Black Banks?”

“That’s my family’s company,” he said with only a bit of tension.

“So Orion Black, is that your father?”

“Yes,” Sirius said. He wasn’t one to normally give such short answers.

“And you want to be a rockstar? Surprising.”

“Yeah, well. I’m full of surprises.” From his tone, it was clear Sirius did not want to speak about this. Marlene didn’t back down though.

“Don’t give me an attitude," Marlene said sharply. "You think I’m going to be the only person asking that question? If you hadn’t noticed the music industry is full of judgmental assholes.” Remus wanted to laugh but he held it in. Marlene may be intense but at least she was honest. “People are going to look at you and look at all that money and a life set out for you and wonder why the hell you chose music.”

She then turned her attention to Remus, “Same with you. What’s your name again?”

“Remus Lupin. I play bass.”

“How’d you get those scars, Remus?” she asked pointedly. There was clear tension in the room and Sirius looked like he was three steps away from murdering someone. But Remus wasn’t worried. He got these questions all the time.

“Oh, I was mauled by a werewolf, you see,” Remus replied casually. 

Marlene gave him an amused look. “Really?"

"Yeah, don't go on moonlit walks in the woods. I apologize in advance if the full moons interfere with the band's schedule."

Marlene full-on laughed, but then said, "Really though, what happened?” 

“Accident when I was a kid,” Remus said with a smile. “Can’t even remember it, actually.” There was one gift that came from these scars, Remus was an excellent liar.

Marlene smiled. “That’s how you answer an uncomfortable question. Take notes, Mr. Black.” Sirius looked at Remus with an unreadable expression. “You all should be prepared for all kinds of intrusiveness. If you make it big, people won’t think anything about you is off-limits.”

“You think we could make it big?” James asked.

“Sure,” Marlene said. “Your music is good - catchy, yet interesting. I especially liked that last song you played at the bar. It had heart. Not to mention that you’re all attractive young men. If you play your cards right, you could have something here.”

James leaned in, “How should we play our cards?”

“Well, if I were your manager, I would suggest an album. We record it here and then while it’s being mastered, you go on tour. Mostly small gigs, drum up a bit of interest. Drop the album halfway through. If it does well, we continue the tour. Then you make another album.”

“So you’ll be our manager then?” James asked. 

“I would like to be,” Marlene said, “But it’s not only up to me. There’s a whole team of other people you need to convince. I want you to record a demo. Show them why they should care. Give me five of your best songs by next week.”

“A week?” Peter asked.

“Is that an issue?” Marlene had a raised eyebrow and Sirius was shooting him daggers.

“No, not at all,” Peter said.

“Great. I expect it in my email by 9 am next Wednesday. I will give you a call then.”

-

The walk back to the car was silent as they all processed the interview. Finally, once they were all seated, Sirius said, “Five songs.”

“I know,” James said.

“How can we possibly choose?”

“And how are we going to get the songs recorded in time?” Peter asked.

Remus just watched as they all argued over song titles, yet Remus didn’t feel an ounce of stress. The upside to being the new guy was that no one asked you your opinion.

“Are you guys good if we go back to our apartment to hash this out?” Sirius asked them. Peter nodded vigorously. 

 “Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t have to work today,” Remus replied and Sirius gave him a bright smile which Remus tried his best not to think about.

20 minutes later, they arrived at James’ and Sirius’ apartment. Wasting no time, Sirius brought out four beers and James was already pacing circles around the room. Peter had disappeared into Sirius’ room and came back with a keyboard that he placed on the kitchen table.

“Do you mind if I use this?” Remus asked Sirius, gesturing to a guitar hanging on the wall. 

“Go ahead,” Sirius said as he handed Remus a beer and sat next to him on the couch. Remus began strumming. “I didn’t know you played guitar.”

Remus started adjusting the key on the guitar as he answered, “Yeah, it’s easier to write on than the bass.”

“You write songs?” Sirius asked to which Remus simply nodded. There was a whole couch yet Sirius chose to sit with his knees touching Remus’. Remus added it to his list of things to ignore about Sirius Orion Black. “Can I hear one?” Sirius’ voice was so gentle that it was almost a whisper.

Remus glanced at him. “Aren’t we supposed to be narrowing songs down, not adding more?”

“Please?” Sirius asked, “Just for me.” Everything in Remus’ body was telling him to get out now before he fell headfirst into the enigma that is Sirius Black.

But instead, Remus just started playing a song. It was an old favorite of his, one he had written about a fling he had years ago. 

 

You can fit everything you know

In a bottle for you to show

 

He had a kind of friends with benefits thing that they both knew but refused to admit was more than just that. Seeing as he had no idea what the fuck was going on between him and Sirius now, it felt appropriate.

 

This is all your own battle to win

This is your ship and you are the captain

 

Remus didn’t dare look at Sirius as he sang it. He focused his mind purely on not fucking up the lyrics, though Remus knew he could play this in his sleep.

 

Oh, captain, let's make a deal

Where we both say the things that we both really feel

 

As Remus continued through the song, he noticed that the apartment had gotten a lot quieter. Whatever James and Peter had been arguing about before had clearly resolved.

 

I feel scared and I'm starting to sink

And I only sink deeper the deeper I think

 

It wasn’t until the end of the song that Remus looked up and saw that not only Sirius but James and Peter were staring at him too.

“Holy shit,” Sirius breathed.

“Remus, what the fuck was that?” James almost shouted. “You didn’t tell me you could sing! Or play guitar!”

Remus just shrugged, “You never asked.”

“Did you write that?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, a few years ago.”

“Remus Whatever-Your-Middle-Name-Is Lupin, I could kiss you right now,” James said.

Remus laughed lightly, “Thanks, but you’re not really my type.”

“Do you have any other secret talents we don’t know about?” 

“I also play piano a bit and the drums,” Remus said looking between them. He wasn’t used to so much attention on him. "And I can juggle."

“Damn, Lupin,” Sirius said. “Leave something for the rest of us.”

“We should add that song to the demo,” James said with finality.

“But isn’t that cutting it a bit close?” Peter asked. “No offense, Remus. I love the song but we’re on a deadline.”

“Fuck the deadline,” Sirius said. “Those three minutes were better than half the shit we’ve come up with.”

Which is how Remus found himself teaching the Marauders how to play his song, Ship in a Bottle, every day for the next week. He wasn’t as much as a perfectionist as James was, preferring to let everyone riff on it a bit and add whatever felt right to them.

As he watched Peter experiment on the keys or found the harmonies with James, it started to feel like he was actually a part of the Marauders, even if just for a little bit.

He especially liked what Sirius did with his song. It felt like he perfectly understood what he was trying to say, and more than that, he always played it like it was the only thing that mattered to him. “I can’t fail,”   Sirius had said to him that night at the gig. He sure played like that was true.

-

Halfway through the week of their nonstop practice, Remus snuck away for an hour to get lunch with Lily. They met at a cute cafe not far from James and Sirius’ apartment.

“God, Remus, it’s been far too long,” Lily said as she hugged him in greeting. It was just as familiar as it had been when they were fourteen.

“It really has, Lils. Tell me everything.” 

Lily dived headfirst into a full history of her life since she moved away from Remus. Her dad got a better job and she apparently got a scholarship at some posh secondary school, which is where she met Sirius, James, and Peter.

“What were they like in school?” Remus asked which prompted Lily to roll her eyes.

“They were kind of dicks, if I’m honest. Sirius and James were absolutely inseparable and Peter always did what James did. They pulled these pranks all the time. Some of them were pretty funny, actually, like one time they somehow changed the school announcements to play “Toxic” by Britney Spears in between classes.” 

Lily was smiling at the fond memory. Remus wished he could’ve been there and lived that life with them.

“But they could also be such asses. Sirius and James were on the rugby team and all that. This one prank - they put hair dye in the rival’s team shampoo and they all had blue hair." Lily was pissed but Remus it was kind of hilarious imagining a bunch of jocks with bright blue hair. "And it was a week before their formal," Lily continued. "Pissed off so many parents, I’m honestly surprised they weren’t suspended.”

“Why weren’t they?” Remus asked.

“Well, Sirius’ parents are on the board of governors. They’re big donors and everything. I don’t think he could’ve gotten suspended if he tried." Lily paused as if sifting through memories, "Sometimes it did feel like he was trying.”

“Yeah, I heard that his family owns a bunch of banks."

“Yup. Old money and all that. Though that family is a nightmare. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Sirius can be a dick, but no one deserves whatever hell he went through.”

“Did he talk to you about it?” Remus asked. He got the distinct impression that it was not something Sirius would talk about openly.

“No, we were never close. I don’t think he talked about it with anyone besides Potter, but you know, it was a pretty small school. Plus his brother, Regulus, was in the year below us. There were all these whispers about a falling out between them. My friend once saw them argue and it was not pretty. And then there was this rumor that he was practically living with James by the time uni came, not sure if it’s true or not.”

Lily was silent for a moment, caught up in her memories from school. Remus thought back to that family photo he'd seen in James and Sirius' apartment. It was clearly a family photo. Did he live there or was it just his escape from the Blacks?

“Anyway," Lily said, "how did you meet them?”

“They played at my work one night and asked if they knew anyone who played bass,” Remus said, thinking it best to avoid the whole part about them kicking out Snape. Whatever happened, he would like to remain neutral.

“Well, you guys are good. I can tell you that much.”

Remus smiled, “Thanks, Lily. I bet James would let you join. We could resurrect The Scholars.”

Lily burst out laughing, “Ohmygod, I had completely forgotten about The Scholars.” It was the name of the band they started when they were eleven. They were absolutely terrible but it gave them an excuse to hang out.

“We were ahead of the time,” Remus said. “Underappreciated.”

“No, we were just bad. Our poor parents,” Lily laughed. Remus had forgotten how much he'd loved that sound.

“I’ve missed you, Lils,” he said. “More than you know.”

"I've missed you too, Remus." He could see Lily looking at his scars, the ones she hadn’t seen in years. She didn't ask. She knew most of it anyway. She just reached her hand across the table and squeezed Remus' hand. "The full moons must have been pretty rough," she said softly.

"Not that bad anymore," Remus said. "Now that I'm out here on my own." It was their little code, how they talked about the memories that were too terrible to speak aloud. She had been the one to suggest the werewolf thing in the first place. All through school, she'd tell it to anyone, kid or adult, that was rude enough to ask. 

"I'm glad it's better now," Lily said. Remus squeezed her hand and then let go.

“Thanks, Lils. Let’s talk about your life. Do you have a boyfriend because James seems pretty keen?”

“Ugh. Absolutely not. He’s been obsessed with me since we were 15. He literally would always ask me out so obnoxiously at school. It was honestly embarrassing.”

“Oh, so he’s been harboring this crush for years?”

“Centuries. I don’t think he ever even dated anyone else. Not that I think he could’ve since Sirius snogged almost every girl who looked his way. It would’ve violated some bro-code probably.”

“So Sirius was always this girl-obsessed?” Remus had been trying to figure out how to ask about Sirius without being obvious.

“Yeah. That man is a heartbreaker. I don’t know how many girls I’ve had to hold while they cried tears over that boy. Like I said, asshole.”

“Yeah. The band had this meeting with the manager from the show. He clearly had a history with the receptionist.”

“Of course, he did. Honestly, I don’t know how you hang around them.”

“I don’t know,” Remus said. “I think they’re pretty fun. They certainly care a lot about the band and that's all I ask.”

“Ugh, men. Well, as long as you’re happy.”

“I really am, Lils.” For once, Remus was telling the truth.

-

That night was yet another band practice. They were working their asses off and the stress was wearing on all of them. James had stopped practice again to explain to Peter for the fourth time how the melody was supposed to go. It took all of Remus' mental energy to try not to internalize their anxiety.

Instead, Remus used this as an excuse to talk to Sirius, who was full-on lying on the concrete ground next to his drums. He could be a very strange man sometimes. Still, Remus laid down next to him and stared up at the cold sky breaking through the caved-in ceiling. 

“I got lunch with Lily today,” Remus said.

“Don’t tell James that. He’ll skin you alive.”

“He really holds a torch for her, huh?”

"Yup. On the first day of the school year, we were maybe 14/15, James saw her in the halls, turned to me, and said, ‘I am going to marry that woman.’ It’s been his thing ever since.”

“Do you think there’s any hope for them?”

“There’s always hope, Remus.” Sirius' eyes had not left the night sky above them. “Anyway, you know Evans better than I do.”

“I don’t know. She had many things to say about you.”

“Is that true?” Sirius asked, amused.

“Yeah. Said you were quite the heartbreaker.”

Sirius sighed, “Well, we all gotta have our fun somehow.”

Remus didn’t have anything to say, so he just remained silent. The night sky was pitch black, only the crescent of the moon and one bright star.

“Why’d you start playing music, Remus?” 

“My mom played piano at church so she would teach me on the weekends.” He remembered those days quite fondly. Empty rows of pews, tall white walls, afternoon sun, his mother’s soft sing-song voice, her hands pressing down on Remus’ fingers until he was big enough to play on his own. “It became our thing. And my parents thought it would keep me out of trouble.”

"Did it?"

"For a bit. We all grow up at some point."

“That’s sweet though," Sirius said. "Your mother sounds nice.”

“Yeah, she was.” They were silent for a few moments. “Why’d you start?”

Sirius sighed, “Well, my mother was big on classical training. Forced me to play piano since age two. Had this nightmarish teacher, used to slap our wrists with a ruler if we played it wrong. I hated the whole thing, but I liked the music. Once I went to school, I learned the drums because it was the farthest thing from dignified society that I could get.”

Remus thought about Sirius at five years old playing piano with stinging red hands. It didn't sound like an environment conducive to a love of music. “Do you still play the piano?” Remus asked.

“Yeah. I mean, when it’s drilled in that young, it’s practically muscle memory. Probably better than Pete, if we’re honest with ourselves. But it was always more of my brother’s thing. Plus, it would make my mother way too proud of herself if she saw me do it onstage.” After a moment he added, “Not that she would ever come to a show.”

Remus remembered what Lily had said. A nightmare, she called them. Remus wondered how deep that went.

“Okay, boys!” James shouted. “One more time!”

Sirius groaned but went back to his drums. Remus strapped on his bass, Sirius counted them in, and they played, and played, and played.

-

By the time the songs were due, Remus was dead on his feet. As much as he enjoyed the band, he still needed to make money, and staying up until 3 am every night was literally killing him.

They had recorded demos of all the songs by Tuesday afternoon, but James was still freaking out. “Can we record Lily’s song one more time? It needs to be perfect.” 

“Sorry, James,” Remus said as he packed up his bass, “I have to get to work.”

“You can’t stay five more minutes?”

“I’m almost late as it is.”

“Can we record it after your shift? When do you get off?”

“No, James.” Remus persisted. “I have to go.”

James was rummaging through his bag and pulled out his wallet, “Look, how much do you make in a shift? I’ll pay you to stay.” James started pulling out a wad of 50-pound notes.

Remus stared at that cash. Of course, James had more money in his pocket than Remus makes in a week. He looked from James to Sirius who - terrible family or no - had $300 shoes on. And who knows how much Peter made in a year at his cushy government job. It was all just a rich boy’s game.

James outstretched his palm, filled with cash like it meant nothing to him. He held it as casually as one would hold a stick of chewing gum.

Remus slung his bass over his shoulders. “Fuck you, Potter,” he said and went to go catch his train. 

As he walked out, he heard Sirius say bitterly, “Way to go, Prongs.”

As Remus boarded the crowded tube, he couldn’t stop thinking about how much money James held in his hand. He wondered how James would spend his night. Probably in his beautiful apartment, watching TV and making a nice home-cooked meal for him and Sirius.

Did James even have a job? Or Sirius for that matter? They never spoke about it, nor did they ever seem to have any other priorities. Music might be their only lifeline, but Remus still had bills to pay.

So Remus did what he did every night. He clocked in, stored his bass behind the bar, and tried to get through another night of managing drunk strangers. At least it was a Tuesday, he always made better tips on Tuesdays.

-

Halfway through his shift, he saw a familiar leather jacket at the other end of the bar and all the anger he had pushed down to get through the shift was bubbling to the surface.

Sirius was chatting with his coworker and as Remus made drinks he heard Sirius say, “Oh, I’m actually here for my friend, Remus. Is he working?” 

Remus wanted to die. Of course, Sirius would come to visit him tonight which, like every Tuesday, was their queer night. The whole place transformed from a grungy dive into a gay bar. Usually, it was Remus’ favorite night. The customers were better, he had quite a few regulars, and sometimes he would even find someone to go home with.

The other bartender responded to Sirius with a little laugh, “Yeah, I’ll get him for you.”

His coworker approached him. “Got a boy asking for you,” he said as he handed Remus a tumbler to clean. “He’s hot as all hell. Has that whole leather jacket, faux biker look.”

Remus glanced to where Sirius was sitting. He did look good, but Sirius always looks good. “Yeah, that’s Sirius. He’s in my band.”

“Well, you better go talk to him because, with a face like that, it won’t be long before somebody else does.”

Remus rolled his eyes but went down to where Sirius was seated. In fact, another boy had already started speaking with him. An old friend of Remus’ actually, with bleached blonde curls and baby blue nails. “Remus!” his friend yelled when he spotted him.

“Oliver!” Remus responded with the same enthusiasm. Oliver had his arms outstretched and embraced Remus across the bar, kissing him on both cheeks. Remus nodded at Sirius who was staring at him, “Hey, Sirius.”

“Oh, do you two know each other?” Oliver said with an intoxicated smile. 

“Yeah,” Remus said, “We’re in a band together.”

Oliver’s smile grew wider. “Remus Lupin on stage. Now that is a sight I would pay to see. Written any songs about me?”

Part of Remus wished Sirius wasn’t here - the man was clearly out of his depths - but some other part of Remus was more than happy he was. Remus leaned across the bar into Oliver’s space, “I guess you’ll just have to come to a show and see.”

Oliver laughed, “Don’t say that, babes, because you know I will.” Sirius coughed and that’s when Remus remembered just how pissed he was at him. Oliver noticed whatever was happening between them. “I’ll leave you two to it,” Oliver said as he got off his chair, “but find me later, Remus.”

Remus smiled and watched as Oliver joined the dance floor. He turned his attention back to Sirius. “What can I get you?” he said like Sirius was any other customer. It was cold but Remus was angry and it took everything in him not to just throw Sirius out now.

“What was that?” Sirius asked.

“What?”

“You and that boy,” Sirius said, “Are you guys like friends?”

“What the fuck is it to you, Sirius?”

“Nothing. It’s just…” Sirius trailed off.

“Just what?” Remus spat out. He didn't have time for this bullshit. He still had the rest of his shift to get through.

“I didn’t know you were gay,” Sirius mumbled. 

“You’re unbelievable,” Remus said. There was absolutely no way that was true. Not with the way Sirius had been acting toward him. “Is there a reason you came here? Because Tuesday night is our pride night and judging by this little conversation, you have absolutely no business sitting in a gay bar right now.” Fuck getting him kicked out, Remus was about five seconds from throwing a punch.

Sirius sighed. “I came here to apologize for James. He can be an insensitive ass when it comes to money. Believe me, I know.” 

The worst part was that Sirius actually seemed sincere. It made Remus want to punch him more. “This could have been a text message, you know. You didn’t have to come all the way out here and make judgments on my friends.”

“I wasn’t judging,” Sirius muttered. “Just confused.”

“What part of this is confusing for you?” Remus wanted to scream, but he was at work and he needed this job so he sighed and said, “Look, it was a bad idea for you to come. I’ve got customers waiting. I’ll just see you tomorrow.”

Sirius looked like the last thing he wanted to do was leave, but he wasn't saying anything either. Remus was about five seconds away from abandoning him to the mercy of his coworker when Sirius spoke up.

“I don’t have any problem with you being gay, Remus. I’m just…” Sirius trailed off and looked around at the bar, at the men dancing under colorful lights. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said and walked out.

Remus stared at the seat Sirius had been sitting in. What the fuck did any of that mean? Just then, a group of six came up to the bar and Remus fell back into the pattern of making drinks, flirting with men, and earning tips. He didn’t have time for the ball of sexual confusion that was Sirius Orion Black.

-

The next day, the band convened at James and Sirius’ apartment to await a phone call from Marlene. Remus didn’t even bother coming over until 11. He knew James would spend the whole time pacing through the apartment. Plus, he had gone home with Oliver last night and he always enjoyed mornings with Oliver. He was a baker and always made Remus take some pastry with him before he left.

Remus showed up at the flat, freshly showered with tea and a scone. He also still had his bass because he hadn’t been home since yesterday.

“Finally, you’re here,” James said when he came to the door. 

Remus leaned his bass on the wall and sat down on the couch, “Any news?”

“Not a word,” Sirius said with his arms crossed, leaning against the doorway to his bedroom. He looked at Remus for just a moment before returning his gaze to James who had started stress cleaning the already spotless flat.

“It’s been hours!” James exclaimed. “How long can it take a woman to listen to five songs?” Then James abruptly stopped cleaning as if remembering something and turned his attention square on Remus, “Also, mate, I wanted to apologize about the other night. I was stressed and an asshole and I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Remus said genuinely. After everything with Sirius last night, he decided he needed to pick his battles. Plus, James looked actually remorseful which is more than Remus expected from the lead singer of a rock band. 

“Are we good?” James asked with an unsure smile.

“Yeah, we’re good,” Remus responded. 

“Great!” James yelled and jumped back into pacing, “Now I can go back to worrying about this fucking phone call.”

"It’ll be fine, Prongs,” Sirius said, for what sounded like the thousandth time, but James clearly was not listening to him.

“Wanna have a jam session?” Remus suggested. “It’s what I do when I’m stressed.”

James shook his head, “Not here, the neighbors would kill us.”

“You have a car,” Remus pointed out, “We could go to the warehouse.”

James looked at Sirius, who shrugged noncommittally, “Okay, let’s go,” James said and grabbed his car keys.

They piled into the car - James and Sirius upfront, Remus in the back. The two of them seemed to have a complete routine. James starts the car, checks the mirrors. Sirius hooks his phone to the aux, pulls up a playlist, and offers gum to James, who takes it without looking. There was an easy familiarity between them.

Remus, however, was offered neither gum nor song choice. In one moment, he very quickly understood all those scornful looks Peter gave them when their backs were turned. Around the two of them, it sometimes felt like you didn’t exist.

For the whole car ride over, the only sound was Sirius humming along to the music. James was clearly too stressed to talk and Remus had nothing to say to Sirius right now - not in front of James at least.

It is of course only when they were just about to get out of the car that Marlene calls. James' eyes go wide and quickly connects the call, “Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Marlene. I showed the demo to people around the office.” She said, wasting no time. ”They liked it. The music is solid. They want you in here to record an album. 7 of your best songs.”

“Really?” James said, “That’s great.”

“Yup,” Marlene said like she broke this news every day. She probably did. “The studio isn’t available for another month though. In the meantime, do as many shows as possible. You need to get your name out there. Music is great but none of that matters if no one is here to listen to it. Got that?”

“Yeah - “

“Great. Alright, I got another meeting. I’ll email you the dates.” The line disconnected and all the boys sat in silence.

“Well,” James said. “That’s good news.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, but he didn’t really feel it. "She's not very warm and fuzzy, is she?" 

“I’ll go call Peter and tell him the good news,” James said and exited the car. The moment his door shut, the car was eerily silent. Even the air felt still. Remus was acutely aware that this was the first time he had been alone with Sirius since the disaster last night at the bar.

“Why aren’t I happier?” Sirius asked.

So they were just going to act as if nothing had happened. Okay. “That’s a big question, Sirius. One they make religions around,” Remus said, purposefully misunderstanding him. “I don’t think I can answer that for you.”

Sirius let out a small breath, “You know what I mean. It just feels like as soon as make a little progress, we just keep getting told to wait.”

Remus thought about trying to comfort him, but he’s always been shit at that. “Yeah, it's not like I thought we'd be successful overnight, but still, it's fucked.” Remus sighed. “You know what this means though?”

Sirius turned in his seat to face Remus, “Tell me.”

Remus leaned in, “We’re gonna make a damn good album.”

And there it was, that Sirius Black grin.

“Alright, boys,” James said as he poked his head back into the car. “Ready to jam?”

The jam session was quite fun. They couldn’t play any of their normal songs without Peter on keys, so they all just danced around and followed each other’s lead. At one point, they all switched instruments - Remus on drums, Sirius on vocals, and James on bass. It was absolutely ridiculous and yet they didn’t even sound bad. In fact, they sounded great.

Not to mention, Sirius was mesmerizing on vocals. His voice was rough and didn’t have the clarity that James had, yet it meshed perfectly with the sound. It was low, dirty, and didn’t have time for anyone’s shit. 

Sirius was freestyling lyrics. Most of it was bullshit, describing the depressing warehouse or some escapade with a girl. Yet sometimes Sirius plunged into these moments of complete lyrical lucidity.

 

It's pathetic, I know

A jealous fool who won't let go

If I was sorry for my actions

Would I ever stoop so low

 

Sirius sang it like his entire being depended on it, yet who he was jealous of, Remus didn’t have a clue. Remus had yet to see a girl he couldn’t get.

 

Got no reason to live

And I've got nothing left to give you

But my love, love, fuck it, this is love

 

Remus switched the rhythm to a low, constant, kick on the bass drum. Sirius transitioned into what felt like a barely disguised confessional.

 

Oh I was hit as a kid

I was good but then I quit

Everyone that tried to fix me

Knows that I can't change a bit

I've got no shame, got no pride

Only skeletons to hide

 

Remus kicked up the beat, James joined back in, and Sirius went back to his nonsensical musings as if he hadn't just poured his heart out. But James didn't think anything he said was worth stopping the music over, so Remus just kept playing. 

There was one other thing: while Sirius may be a god on the drums, it was a damn shame no one else got to hear his voice.

As they left and loaded back into James’ car, Remus could sense that something had shifted. As they backed out into the road, Sirius offered James a stick of gum, and then turned and extended one to Remus. 

Remus never thought spearmint could taste so good.

Notes:

thank you guys for reading!! if you have anything you wanna say, feel free to drop a comment or go to my tumblr

edit 6/30/21 - apparently the UK does not have hundred pound notes??? wtf?? anyway I've changed it in the fic but y'all should really get some of those
edit 7/1/21 - so 50 pound notes aren't even valid anymore?!?!?! i fucking give up. suspend your goddamn disbelief on that front.
edit 7/10/21 - i fixed the plot hole about remus' scars. if you saw it, no you did not

-
songs in this chapter:
Ship in a Bottle by fin
This is Love by Air Traffic Controller

Chapter 3: jealousy games

Notes:

this chapter is long af lmao. this whole fic is gonna be so long.

-

songs in this chapter:
Circe by Glass Doors
The Bidding by Tally Hall

Their next gig was that Thursday. Remus realized that while James and Sirius organized the music, Peter organized everything behind the scenes. He had set them up gigs every weekend for weeks in advance. He's the one who emailed owners of bars and made a point to set up their social media, even if barely anyone followed it. Peter may not be as vocal about it, but it was clear that he was as dedicated to the band as the rest of them.

The gig was a bit far away so James had offered to drive them all, and unlike every other time, James had insisted on picking up Remus from his apartment. Remus didn’t want him to come to his part of town. He didn’t have a fancy apartment with bakeries on the corner and a park across the street like James and Sirius had. His neighborhood had drug deals on the corner and the near-constant smell of cigarettes and weed. 

Unfortunately for Remus, there just wouldn’t be time before when he got off the morning shift and when the gig started for him to be able to go home, change clothes, and get to their flat on time, so being picked up it was.

Remus rushed out the moment James arrived, dropping his bass in the trunk and taking his seat next to Peter. James and Sirius were chewing gum, Peter was not. As they drove, Remus saw his neighborhood through their eyes: boarded-up windows, potholes, the homeless man on the corner. The homeless man was actually quite nice and always wished Remus a good morning, but they didn’t know that. They just saw poverty.

The car was silent. Peter kept nervously glancing out the window and then back at Remus. James had a death grip on the wheel, but Sirius was just staring out the window as if it was any other street. He was even humming along to the radio. He silently offered a piece of gum to Remus and then, as an afterthought, offered one to Peter as well.

Once they got on to the main roads, however, the rest of them visibly relaxed. “So, do you think Lily will come tonight?” James asked.

“I told her about it,” Remus said, glad to have something else to think about.

“I’m still not over the fact that Remus knew Lily all this time,” Sirius said. “Do you have any wise words on how James could finally woo her?”

“Please say something useful,” Peter lamented. “We’re so tired of this.”

“Stop trying,” Remus said. “She’s too busy seeing you only as a pest that she can’t see that you’re actually really nice and attractive and talented.”

“You really think that will work?” James said.

"Please say yes," Sirius cut in.

“I know, Lily,” Remus said, but really he just knew how to get a guy. It was cliche, but playing hard to get had worked for him more times than not.

“Do you know Lily well? You guys were friends as kids, right?” James’ voice was trying to sound casual but Remus caught his meaning - he was trying to ask if they had ever dated. 

Remus wanted to laugh. If James couldn’t pick up that he was gay, then he deserved to be messed with. 

“Oh, yeah,” Remus said, “We were inseparable. I was absolutely devastated when I had to move... I think some part of me will always love her.” Remus looked out the window wistfully to really sell it. Nothing he was saying was technically a lie. "I can't wait to hang out with her again."

“Oh,” James said in a way that effectively ended all conversation. He was clearly barely containing a large amount of rage.

Remus quickly texted Lily: I’m trying to convince James that we dated in the past and that we might date in the future. You in?

Lily responded almost immediately: Fuck yes. 

When Remus looked back up, he caught Sirius’ eyes in the rearview mirror. He looked somewhere between confused and pissed. Good , Remus thought, let him be the confused one for once.

Remus sent off another text to Lily, Are you coming to the show tonight?

Of course. See you then, my love ;)

Remus couldn’t wait to see the look on James’ face.

-

The venue was similar to the last one - bar up front, stage in the back, dark walls, and sticky floors. It was the place you had to get drunk to enjoy. The boys had set up their instruments, practiced for a bit, and then went backstage to the green room that was just as grimy as the bar itself.

Sirius was staring into the mirror as he did his eyeliner. His face was light up by the soft yellow glow of the vintage lights surrounding the glass. He looked remarkably like how he had that first night they met in the alley.

“Do you always wear makeup on stage?” Remus asked.

“You’re supposed to wear makeup under stage lights or else you’ll be washed out," Sirius responded quietly.

Remus knew this, of course, “Yeah, but only on like big stages. Not in rundown bars that sell watered-down vodka.”

“Still,” Sirius said, “I think I look better in it, don’t you?” Sirius turned to face Remus with his eyes lined in black.

You always look great , Remus wanted to say, but couldn’t. “Yeah,” he said instead. “It looks pretty alright.”

“I could do yours, if you want?” and because Remus was an idiot, he said yes.

Sirius had him sit down across from him in a chair, their legs intercrossed as Sirius leaned in with a black pencil. When Sirius’ face was this close to his own, he could see every detail of him. His long eyelashes, the little pores on his skin, the black of the makeup contrasting the blue of his eyes. There was no question in Remus' mind that he was one of the most beautiful men he had ever seen.

“Look up,” Sirius said softly. Remus followed his command, despite every part of him wanting to commit Sirius’ face to memory. “Try not to blink.”

The pencil was uncomfortable and Remus honestly thought he was going to lose an eye about twenty different times, but Sirius’ hands were steady and gentle. Sometimes, one would even come up to grasp Remus’ cheek to hold him in place. His rough calloused hands touching Remus' scars so casually as if they weren't even there.

It would be so easy to lean in and kiss him, Remus realized. They were so close that he could feel Sirius’ breath on his skin. But Remus knew he couldn’t. Not here, with Peter and James in the room. Not with a gig to follow. Not with no way of knowing how Sirius will react. Maybe one day when it was just the two of them, Remus thought, but not tonight.

“Okay, what do you think?” Sirius asked, pulling away from Remus’ face.

Remus looked at himself in the mirror. He never liked his appearance much - skinny and scared - but with Sirius’ smiling face behind him, he couldn’t help but smile too.

“I look like a rockstar,” Remus said.

“Dress for the job you want,” Sirius replied. 

Remus looked at the room around them. On the walls were signatures and messages from hundreds of other bands who played here. All of them wanted this same dream. He wondered how many of them actually got it.

“Wanna go for a smoke?” Remus asked, mostly because he needed a cigarette, but also because the thought of this room was almost depressing. He didn't want to be reminded of all the bands that never were.

“Yeah, sure,” Sirius said and grabbed his jacket.

As they were walking out, James called to them. “Where are you two going?”

“For a smoke,” Remus replied. James shot Sirius a strange glance but just nodded.

They went outside which was surprisingly warm for the time of year and Remus got out his pack of cigarettes. He offered one first to Sirius, who took it gratefully, and then Remus took one for himself. He lit them up and leaned against the wall as he blew out his first breath. 

“Fuck, I needed that,” Remus said. It was embarrassing how good it felt, how much he needed it. If his mom could see him now… Remus closed off that line of thought.

“I don’t actually smoke much,” Sirius said. Remus raised an eyebrow. “Only sometimes when I get drunk.”

“That explains the weird look James gave us.”

“Yeah. He can be a bit protective sometimes.”

“Afraid I’m gonna corrupt you?” Remus asked with a smile.

“Well,” Sirius said. He blew out smoke and continued, “You can hardly say he’s wrong.”

Just the two of us, Remus thought. He looked at Sirius in profile - with his leather jacket and aristocratic cheekbones lit up by the cigarette held between his long fingers. He was so beautiful under the night sky.

Suddenly, there was a shout from the end of the street. “Remus John Lupin, if that is a cigarette between your teeth, I will kill you!” Lily yelled.

“Shit,” Remus said, laughing as he made no attempt to hide it. Sirius looked more than a little startled.

Lily stormed over, took the cigarette out of his mouth, threw it on the ground, and stomped it out. “Honestly, Remus, don’t you have asthma?”

“Nah, I grew out of it,” Remus gave her a grin but the woman was immune to his charm by now.

“Still," she said, pissed. "Those things kill, you know?”

“Isn’t that the point, Lils?” Remus said with a sardonic smile.

“Don’t even joke about that,” Lily said. Behind her, a girl started walking quickly up the alley.

“There you are, Lily! You completely disappeared.” The girl was dressed for a concert - with a tight fighting dress and black fishnets. She was standing close to Lily, clearly a friend. She was very attractive and judging by the look on Sirius’ face, Remus wasn’t the only one who noticed.

“Sorry, Mary. I spotted my friends.” Lily started to introduce them, “This is Remus Lupin who I grew up with. He plays bass. And this is - ” 

“Sirius Black,” Sirius cut her off. He offered a hand to Mary with a well-practiced smile, “It’s a pleasure to meet you. What’s your name?”

“Don’t even start, Black,” Lily warned but Mary waved her off.

“Mary Macdonald,” she said as she stepped forward. She reached a hand up and touched Sirius’ jacket. “I love the leather.” She then grabbed Sirius’ cigarette, took a drag, and then gave it back to him. 

Remus had seen enough. “Lily, would like to come see backstage with me?”

“You’ll be okay, Mary?” Lily asked wearily.

“Oh, yeah. Don’t worry about me.” Mary’s eyes hadn’t left Sirius’.

Remus grabbed Lily’s hand and practically dragged her away from the scene. If that was heading where he thought it was, he wanted no part of it.

When he walked back into the green room, he was still holding Lily’s hand, something James took note of immediately. “Oh. Hey Lily,” he said politely.

“Hey, James,” Lily replied cheerfully. “I just wanted to thank you for bringing Remus back into my life. I truly don’t know what I do without him.” To really sell it, she leaned into him and placed a kiss on Remus’ cheek.

“Right,” James said and looked down at the floor. He sounded genuinely dejected but Remus knew that James was such a good guy that he would never say that in front of Remus and his supposed new girlfriend. “Is Sirius out there?” He asked, standing as if to go join him.

“He is,” Lily said, “but you don’t want to go out there.” James just gave her a confused look.

“Lily introduced him to a friend of hers, Mary,” Remus explained. “I don’t think we’ll see either of them for a hot minute.”

Lily giggled, full-on giggled, into Remus’ chest. James' face fell and he went to go sit with Peter. Remus could only catch snippets of their conversation, but for the sounds of it, Peter was explaining a new chess move he learned in exquisite detail as James nodded mutely.

Remus and Lily sat down on the couch with his arm around her. He leaned in and whispered into her ear, “Are we bad people?”

“It’s only James,” she whispered back.

“Still, he really cares about you.”

Lily let out a loud laugh. James looked over and then quickly looked away with hunched shoulders. “He doesn’t actually like me. It’s just a big joke to him that’s gone on far too long,” Lily said back quietly.

Remus looked at Lily’s face for any trace of a joke, but she was dead serious. She truly believed that James Potter didn’t like her. “Lily, are you an idiot?”

“Excuse me?”

“This isn’t some joke to him. Sure, he’s bad at showing it, but he does really like you. It’s quite annoying actually.”

Lily sighed, “You sound like Sirius.”

“What?”

“Back at school, he would always say shit like, ‘Please go out with James so you can spare us all the monologues.’ I thought he was just in on it.”

“There’s nothing to be in on, Lily. He’s bloody mad about you.” Remus could tell Lily was staring at James across the room. “Look, I’m not going to tell you to date the dude. It’s your life and honestly, Potter can be a lot to deal with. But don’t totally discount him either.”

“I don’t know what to say, Remus.”

“You don’t have to say anything. Just think about it.”

“Okay,” she responded and cuddled up to Remus under his arm. They were like this back in grade school, too - always touching and whispering to each other. Everyone else had thought they were dating, which honestly saved Remus from a lot of trouble back then, but it was never like that with them. Some people just feel like home.

Remus doesn’t know how long they sat there, but at some point, someone from the bar came over and told them that they’re on in five minutes.

“Well, I better go find, Sirius,” James sighed as he stood up and went out to the alley.

In a few moments, James comes back with a thoroughly rumpled Sirius and a smirking Mary. Sirius went straight to the mirror to fix his hair, but nothing could cover up the blaring purple hickeys he had developed on his neck.

“Come on, Lils. Let’s go get a good spot,” Mary called out to Lily and they walked off together.

“Have a good time?” Remus asked Sirius with a raised eyebrow. 

Sirius gave him a wide smile, “It’s always a good time when it’s with me.”

Remus saw James roll his eyes, “Come on, boys. Let’s get on stage.”

-

The set went well as they always did. Sirius was absolutely manic in his drumming. He kept flipping his hair every which way and was constantly flashing wide smiles toward the crowd, toward Mary, no doubt. But where Sirius was wild in his physicality, James was measured and reserved. He stood alone at his microphone and sang into it with a raw emotionality Remus had never seen from him in any rehearsal.

All I wish is to be with you all my life.

But I'll just have to settle for tonight.

Yes, I'll just have to settle for one more night.

Was this song about Lily? Probably. Most of his songs were about her or rather the idea of her.

How do I fit in with you?

And how will you expect me to?

If just for now, I need to have your company.

As James continued to the sing, he refused to look at Remus. He wasn't even looking out into the crowd. The performance felt almost too private to look at, so Remus just focused hard on playing his part, but as soon as the song was done, Remus knew he had to tell James the truth.

-

The four of them headed back stage after the show. Sirius, of course, dramatically collapsed onto the couch. He looked completely exhausted but he was smiling. James, however, just pulled out his notebook and started writing quietly in the corner. Remus decided to avoid both of these men and instead walked over to Peter.

"Hey good job tonight, Peter,” Remus said to him, mostly because no one ever seemed to.

“Oh, thanks, Remus. You were great too,” Peter smiled at him and for the first time, it didn’t seem nervous in the slightest.

It was then that Lily and Mary burst into the room. Mary wasted no time and immediately grabbed Sirius off the couch and brought him into an embrace. The two of them started making out with the intestity of a couple that hadn’t seen each other in years instead of two hours.

Lily rolled her eyes and went to stand next to Remus. “Can you please do that literally anywhere else?” Remus said to them. The two of them pulled apart briefly, neither of them looking the slightest bit ashamed.

“Wanna get out of her?” Sirius asked Mary who nodded in reply.

“Lily, is it okay if we go?” she asked.

“No, it’s not okay. You drove us here,” Lily said with arms crossed against her chest.

“You could have James take you home,” Sirius said and then looked at James with pleading eyes.

James looked up from his notebook, “Yeah, I can take Lily home,” he said quietly and returned to his writing.

“Sweet,” Sirius said and then started packing up all his stuff. Remus' eyes followed him as he went. He wanted to reach out and say something, but what? Don't go. Stay here with me instead of the beautiful girl on your arm. But he had no claims over Sirius. There's no reason Sirius would listen to him. Just as him and Mary were about to leave the room, Sirius caught Remus' eye, gave him a small, sweet smile, and then turned back to Mary. 

Sirius Black was going to be the death of him.

Eventually, Lily turned to Remus. If she had noticed Remus' staring, she didn't mention it. Instead, she just said, “You guys were really good tonight.” 

“Thanks," Remus responded. "I’m surprised you came. It was most of the songs from the last time anyway.”

Lily shook her head. “I’m not going to miss your performance. Not to mention, I wanted to show you guys to Mary. I thought she would like it.”

“Well, she certainly liked something,” Remus muttered.

Lily burst out laughing. “Nothing stops her.” Then Lily paused and looked over to James, “Plus, I find something new every time I listen.”

Remus followed her eyeline. “You should go over and talk to him. Tell him he did a good job.”

She sighed, “But he’s an asshole, isn't he?”

“Well, all musicians are assholes," Remus said, "But he really isn’t. Not now, anyway.”

“I don’t know, Remus.” Lily was still staring across the room where James was leaned over an old notebook. For once, James was completely oblivious to her.

Remus leaned into Lily's ear, “He’s not exactly bad on the eyes, either.”

“Shut up,” she said and Remus felt satisfied as a blush spread across her cheeks. “Fine. I’ll go talk to him.”

She went over to the corner James was in and sat down across from him. Remus wanted to watch and see how it went but he gave them their privacy. Instead, he set about packing up his stuff and then when that was done, he texted Oliver about their show next week. He had mentioned that he wanted to hear Remus play.

Oliver responded quickly: i'll be there <3 play something nice for me

Remus rolled his eyes and smiled down at his phone: Flirt. I'll play something deliberately terrible now.

Oliver: :(

Remus' conversation was interrupted by Lily loudly laughing and yelling Remus’ name. “Remus, you have to come over here right now.”

Remus walked over to a hysterical Lily and a very confused James. “Tell Potter that we’re not dating.”

“We’re not dating,” Remus said easily which only seemed to confuse James more.

“But you are!” James was starting to become outraged, “You were cuddling for like an hour earlier. You literally said, and I quote ‘some part of me will always love her!’”

“Aww, you said that?” Lily asked with a smile.

“Sure did,” Remus said and leaned down to kiss her forehead.

“See!” James shouted, “How is that not dating?”

Remus and Lily broke down in laughter again. “I’m gay, James,” Remus said.

James’ face cycled through fifteen emotions as his outrage bled to shock that bled to joyful awe. “You’re gay,” he said faintly. He looked like a child who had just walked into Disneyland.

This only made Lily and Remus laugh harder. 

“Well mate, I support you 100%,” James said, coming back to himself. “I’m so happy you felt comfortable enough to tell me and I'm really glad we're friends.”

“God, look at him being so nice,” Lily said to Remus, “It almost makes you feel bad for playing with him.”

“I know right? I would say never again, but I don’t make promises I can’t keep.”

James looked between them, “What are you two talking about?”

“It was a prank, Potter, like the ones you and Black used to pull all the time,” Lily answered. “We wanted to see what you would do if you thought we were dating.”

“Oh,” was all that James said.

“The answer is, apparently, be very respectful about it and then go sulk in the corner to write break-up songs,” Remus said.

“And give a damn good performance,” Lily added.

“I was not sulking,” James muttered and he checked his phone. Lily shot Remus an amused smirk. “Anyway, it’s about time we should probably be heading out anyway.”

All of them started packing up their stuff with Lily helping to load it into James’ car. James had gone to talk to the bar owner and get their cash from the show. Unlike most of their gigs that were by check, it was nice for Remus to have the money in hand.

They all climbed into James’ car - Peter upfront, Remus and Lily in the back. It was a casual car ride. Peter seemed a lot more talkative, especially with James next to him. But every so often, Remus would catch James glancing back to look at Lily and sometimes, when James had his eyes on the road, Lily was looking back at him. Occasionally, Lily would give James directions of which streets to use to get to her house. She had refused to give James her address on the grounds that that would be “too much power in his hands.” (She did, however, text it to Remus with an invitation to come to tea soon).

As soon as Lily was safely behind the locked door of her flat, James turned his attention to Remus.

“So you two are not dating.”

“Nope,” Remus replied with a smile.

“Not even a bit?”

“James, there’s not a chance in hell I would even date Lily Evans. I assure you I am a very, very, gay man.” Peter choked on his water when Remus said this but otherwise remained silent.

“Okay,” James said, “Then first of all - you are an evil creature to even suggest otherwise and if you ever play with my emotions like that again, I will not hesitate to cry. That is a threat.” Remus didn’t think it sounded like one, but then again, Remus would not know what to do with a crying James.

“Second of all,” James continued, “You are a pranking mastermind and we absolutely must pull you into our next prank.”

“Oh no, we aren’t starting this again, are we?” Peter lamented.

“Oh, come on, Wormtail. It’ll be fun.”

“Yeah unless you’re the lookout and therefore always the first to get in trouble,” Peter muttered.

“Lastly!” James said over this. “This is the first time in years that Lily wasn’t mean to me and I have a feeling you have something to do with it.”

Remus just shrugged, “Lily is her own woman. She has her own ways independent of any thoughts I may have on her relationships.”

“Sure, sure,” James said disbelieving, “I know the truth, Remus.”

“Wasn’t Lily nice to you in our last year of school?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, but only because she had to be. It was only because we had prefect duty or she wanted my help in studying. She was just being, you know, civil or whatever.”

Remus had never known Lily to ever need someone else to study. In fact, Remus had the distinct impression that there just might be hope for James Potter.

-

Sirius was in a mood. A raging, storming, breaking drumsticks type mood. 

It was a few days later at band paractice. Remus didn’t know what his problem was. As they arrived at the warehouse, Sirius had slammed the door of James’ car so hard Remus was afraid it might break. He then went straight to the drum without even a greeting or a nod to acknowledge Remus’ presence. When they started practicing, Sirius was playing every song like the drums had personally offended him.

Halfway through rehearsal, Remus had shot James a raised eyebrow but James just shook his head. Don’t ask.

It was getting harder and harder to ignore, however, especially when they were in between songs and a tense silence would descend around them. No one dared to speak unless it was related to the music.

And then Sirius’ phone rang. They all looked at each other and then looked at the phone. Except for Sirius, who just started playing the drums over the shrilling ring. No one else started playing. 

Sirius kept up the maddening beat - fast and hard yet somehow it still sounded halfway decent - until one of his drumsticks broke and splintered into his hand. 

“Fuck!” Sirius yelled with anger that made Peter flinched. James looked over, concerned, and then went back to politely pretending nothing had happened.

“I’m done with this shit,” Remus said to the room. He put down his bass and turned on Sirius, “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Remus,”  James tried to say but Sirius cut him off.

“Excuse me?”

“What the fuck is up with you today? Because clearly something has upset you and instead of dealing with it like a fucking normal human being, you’ve decided to go on some self-destructive spiral and break your fucking hand open.”

Sirius looked down at his hand as if he didn’t realize it was bleeding. “Just let me play the fucking drums, Remus.”

“No, because drums are for the big kids who know not to come to rehearsal if they’re gonna act like a brat and take out their shit on everyone else.”

“We need to practice for the album.”

“Then I’ll play the fucking drums since I’m the only one who seems to know how without injuring themselves.”

Sirius stood up abruptly, “Don’t touch my fucking drumkit.”

Remus walked over to the drumkit and went to push past Sirius but he wouldn’t move. For once, Remus was glad for the few inches he had on Sirius. They stared at each other for a moment, both of them practically seething. Remus tried to move past him again, but Sirius pushed back hard on Remus’ chest. Remus stumbled back a few steps but he grabbed onto Sirius’ wrists.

Remus held Sirius’ hands up to the light, examining the little cuts and pieces of wood that had been implanted in them. “James, can you go get a first aid kit?” he asked with a cold calm. Sirius didn’t dare move.

“Yeah, Peter and I will go grab it,” James said hurriedly. The two of them rushed out of the room. Remus and Sirius stayed silent, only their heavy breaths filling the air. Remus didn’t dare let go of Sirius’ wrists, nor did he dare to look at the boy they belonged to either.

James ran back into the room with the kit. “Do you need me to help with anything?” he asked.

“No, this is great, James,” Remus said, letting go of Sirius’ hands and taking the kit.

“Right, well then I’ll leave you to it.” He smiled a tight smile and then went out to the car. Remus sat down on a bit of sunny ground under the missing roof. 

“Sit,” Remus commanded and Sirius followed, sitting down criss-cross in front of him. Remus opened the kit and pulled out the tweezers and some cotton. He grabbed one of Sirius’ hands and started cleaning off the blood.

Sirius’ hands were long and calloused. Remus could see how under different circumstances, they could be the smooth hands of an aristocrat or a concert pianist. But like everything Sirius did, it was in opposition to whatever the world gave him.

Remus started pulling out tiny splinters of wood from the skin. It required him to do a lot of holding Sirius’ hand very close to his face or up to the sun. Sirius’ skin smelled like lavender or some other kind of fragrance Remus could not name. Some fancy kind of moisturizer, certainly.

Sirius would occasionally wince as the splinters were pulled but mostly, they stayed silent as Remus performed the mini surgeries. It gave them both a chance to cool off. Eventually, after many long minutes had past, Remus had gotten the last of them out and started wiping his hand down with alcohol wipes. 

“Thank you,” Sirius said quietly. He sounded exhausted. "You're quite good at that."

“I used to get injured a lot as a kid,” Remus said. “My mom wanted me to be sure I could always take care of myself.” Remus finished putting away all the medical materials back into the first aid kit. He could tell Sirius was looking at his scars, but he didn't ask the question so Remus didn't answer. He's not even sure he could've told the truth. Instead, Remus pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and offered it to Sirius, “Wanna smoke?”

“God yes,” he said, taking a drag and then handing it back to Remus. They sat there for a while, watching their smoke hit the sunlight and spiral upwards.

“So what happened?” Remus finally asked.

Sirius blew out a puff of smoke. “A lot of things. Nothing.”

“Real descriptive, Black,” Remus replied. 

“Sometimes it all just gets too much, you know. Old memories and all that.” He took another drag from the cigarette. Remus nodded. He didn't need to say anything more; Remus understood.

Sirius’ phone rang again but this time Sirius just groaned. “Who’s calling you?” Remus asked.

“Mary,” Sirius said as he pulled out his phone. He handed the cigarette to Remus who took a final drag and then put it out on the ground.

“Lily’s friend from the show?” Remus asked as if he could've forgotten their vagrant show of public affection.

“That’s the one,” Sirius replied. “We sort of have a thing now.”

“Why is she calling?” Remus asked.

“Who the fuck knows?” Sirius said and then answered it, “Hey, baby.”

“Where the fuck are you, Black?” Remus heard through the phone. “You said to meet you at your place 20 fucking minutes ago.”

“Fuck, I’m sorry, baby. Band rehearsal is running late. I didn’t have my phone on me.” Both lies. 

“Whatever, Black. I’m going to go over Alice’s and shit-talk you now. You better make this up to me.”

“Yeah, I will. I will. I promise.” Sirius hung up the phone and looked back at Remus. “Ugh," he groaned, "You know, how girlfriends are,” Sirius said.

“I really don’t,” Remus said which caused Sirius to burst out laughing.

“No, I guess you wouldn’t,” Sirius said with a smile. He held Remus’ gaze a little too long.

“Is that laughter I hear?” James said as he stood by the doorway. “Is it safe to enter?”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I’m all good now thanks to Remus’ magical nursing skills.” Remus shot him an amused look as he stood up. 

“Well, we all thank you, Remus,” James said, “Because we should probably actually do some real practicing at some point.” 

-

They had another gig scheduled for the next weekend and Remus was excited. James had wanted to try out some new material, including one of Remus’ songs that he and James would sing together. 

Oliver was also coming tonight. Which Remus had never been more glad of, especially when he walked backstage after setting up to find Sirius and Mary aggressively making out on an old couch. 

He didn’t have any problem with Sirius and Mary. He really didn’t. He just didn’t know why they had to find every opportunity to be physically attached to each other in some way. 

It wasn’t that Remus was jealous, but he couldn’t help but feel like Sirius and him had something. It wasn't an attraction, per se. Sure, Sirius was undeniably attractive and flirted with everyone under the sun, including Remus, but that’s not what gave Remus pause. He just couldn’t help but think of all those times when they were smoking togethter or sharing a look during a song, that there was something more between them. 

And whatever that thing was, it disappeared the moment Mary walked into the room.

Remus decided that as long as they were in the room, he would be somewhere else, so he went out to the bar where he found James nursing a beer.

“You saw Sirius and Mary then?” James asked as Remus sat next to him.

“How’d you know?” 

“You have that look about you.”

“Which one?” Remus asked. He gestured to the bartender and ordered himself a drink.

“Like you’ve just witnessed a train wreck.” James took a long sip of beer. He clearly needed to rant. “She’s always over at our flat and I love Sirius to death and I have no issue with his constant girls, but Mary just never leaves. Even when she’s not there, it’s all he talks about. ‘Mary did this. Mary did that.’ I’ve never seen him like that with anyone.”

“Damn,” Remus said. “Do you think she’s like The One or whatever?”

“Fuck no,” James said vehemently. “They’re always at each other's throats. It’s like they skipped straight past the honeymoon phase and into the divorce.”

“What do they even fight about? They just met.”

“Well, that’s the thing. They fight about nothing. It’ll be something as dumb as the way someone is sitting or how they pronounced a word. They’re either fighting or fucking and it’s becoming hard to live with.” James took another long sip, finished his beer, and ordered another.

“Have you talked to Sirius about this?”

“How could I? She’s always around. The only time she isn’t is band rehearsal and that’s only because of the strict no girlfriend policy we implemented after Peter’s girlfriend.”

“I didn’t know Peter had a girlfriend,” Remus said. Peter did rarely speak with him, but even with James he never said much. Remus felt bad about it, but even worse, he had no idea where Peter even was right now.

“Yeah, her name is Desdemona,” James said. “They’ve been dating for like 2 or 3 years or something like that.”

“Why haven’t I heard about her?”

“Well, you know how Pete is. He’s not one to talk about himself much,” James said this as if that was just how he was but Remus got the distinct impression it was because no one had ever asked him. “There was also this one time when Sirius got real pissed with Peter over Desdemona. This was in this year-long break Sirius had with girls. I never really got what it was about but one day Sirius just went off. He was shouting at Peter about how no one cared about his girlfriend, called her all these awful names. It was the closest thing the band ever came to breaking up. Anyway, I spent the next week comforting Peter and playing mother hen with an erratic Sirius. You know how he can be with his moods.”

“Yeah, is he okay? The other day at practice…”

James just waved him off, “Yeah, that’s just Sirius. He’s normally alright but sometimes something just triggers him. Used to be way worse when we were back in school. I think it might be genetic or something because his mom was the same way.”

“It’s probably how he was raised,” Remus said, “We emulate a lot of what our parents do, especially subconsciously.” Remus had read quite a few psychology books in his free time. 

“I hope not,” James said, “for his sake and all of ours.” 

-

The show was going well. They were getting really, really good at some songs, to the point where they could finally start playing around with them. James was dancing around more on stage, often pulling Remus in with him. Other times, Sirius had started doing tricks with his drumsticks when he knew he could get away with it. 

James had also started having more fun in between numbers as they tuned their instruments or prepared for the next song. It was more than just an introduction and some music now. They were giving a performance.

Halfway through the show, James got on the mic, “I think it is about time I introduced the lovely men up here with me. To my right, your left, we have the studious Peter Pettigrew on the keys.” 

James gestured to him and Peter played an impressive little piano solo. The crowd applauded and wooed for him 

“Behind me, we have the irrestible Sirius Black.” There was a scream from the audience that was distinctly Mary’s. 

“And to my left, your right, we have the multi-talented Remus Lupin.” Remus gave the best bass solo he could as the audience cheered. 

He heard one person yell, “Get it, baby!” which had to be Oliver. Remus was laughing hard and trying his best to keep playing.

“Now, this next song was actually written by Mr. Lupin here and he’ll be singing part of it with me. Remus, care to tell the audience what this song is called?”

“I call it The Bidding.” There were cheers from the audience and the four of them started a low humming together. It had actually been Sirius’ idea to include all of them for backup vocals and they had been sounding amazing. 

The song itself was fun; the lyrics were all about pretending to be these cocky exaggerated versions of themselves. James and Remus would alternate lines and Remus truly began to understand the idea of a stage persona. When he played with the Marauders, he felt like he could be someone else.

I've been here like a thousand times

Dated every woman in the atmosphere

I've been to every continent

Broken all the hearts in every hemisphere

James sang it with a swagger Remus knew he didn’t have. That man was a ball of nerves around the only girl that mattered. Honestly, when Remus had written it, he was thinking of Sirius. 

I graduated at the top

I like to take advantage of the bourgeoisie

So if you have a fantasy of being a queen

Maybe you should blow a couple bucks on me

Remus sang his part, being sure to send a wink in Oliver’s direction as he did. Remus never thought he could be some kind of rockstar, but for just one moment, he pretended he was.

-

Backstage after the show was chaotic. Of course, Mary was there, sucking face with Sirius with no regard for the other people in the room. Lily had come to the show on the pretense of seeing Remus but she had soon sought out James. Remus would have to talk to her about that later.

Peter was on his laptop frantically typing something. “What are you doing?” Remus asked him.

“Oh, I’m just sending out this work email and then I have to check in with the gig we’re doing next week and check out their set up.”

Remus checked the time on his phone, 11:45 pm and here Peter was answering work emails. “Yeah, I’ve found trying to balance a job and the band can be pretty hard,” Remus said.

“Yeah and you don’t even have a real job,” Peter said without thinking. Remus would be offended but it was so clear to him that Peter truly meant nothing by it.

“What is your job anyway?” Remus asked.

“I work for the Department for Work and Pensions. I manage claims for Job Seeker’s Allowance. My boss said I’m management material so I’m really trying to work on getting that promotion.” 

Remus had always been on the other side of Job Seeker’s Allowance. He used to go with his mom all the time when he was a kid and read in the bland waiting area while his mom interviewed. He remembered his mom's nerves and the constant banality of the waiting. He wondered if Peter ever met women like his mom. He wondered what he said to them.

“That’s great, Peter. Congrats,” Remus said. Peter was clearly very proud of his work and Remus thought he should be. Sirius and James had a way of dismissing Peter’s job as not being truly committed to the dream or whatever, but Remus thought Peter was the only one of them with one foot in reality. Not to mention how hard Peter worked to organize the gigs.

Just then, the door to the backstage swung open, and in walked Oliver. He was wearing an outfit suited for a concert far bigger than this one, complete with chains, a pastel crop top, and a full face of brightly multicolored makeup. Remus thought he was the only one in the room, baring Sirius, who had an ounce of real style. 

“Remus, darling, that was fantastic!” Oliver exclaimed. Remus smiled like a madman; Oliver sure knew how to make an entrance. He ran over and hugged him. All eyes in the room fell on the two of them. It was such an event that even Mary and Sirius detached from each other. But Remus paid them no mind.

“Thanks, Oli,” Remus said. “It means a lot that you came.” 

Oliver rolled his eyes, “Of course, I came. I couldn’t miss an opportunity to see the great Remus Lupin sing live in the flesh, and with a voice like that, I’m surprised I haven’t been serenaded already.”

Remus laughed, “Anytime. All you have to do is ask.”

“Um, Remus,” James said with an unsure smile, “care to introduce us?”

“Right,” Remus replied and looked around the room. “Everyone, this is my friend Oliver.”

Oliver gave a small wave which Lily and James returned. Peter was staring at them with confusion plain on his face.

“A friend?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, I do hang out with people outside of you guys, you know,” Remus said. Oliver and him weren’t together - they agreed a long time ago they were better as friends. Friends who occasionally hook up with eachother, but friends nonetheless.

Sirius was staring hard at Remus as if he had done something to personally offend him. Remus would act surprised, but Remus knew exactly what was happening. He had seen the “straight” boy game far too many times. They’re allowed to do whatever they want but you have to stay under their thumb or else they freak out. Well, Remus wasn’t going to play.

“I think I know some of your names,” Oliver said to the room. “You’re definitely James. Can’t forget the name of the lead singer who sounds like that, or looks like that for that matter.” James just laughed goodnaturedly to Oliver’s open flirting. “I don’t think I know you,” Oliver said to Lily.

“That’s Lily Evans,” Remus said. “We grew up together.” Oliver looked over at him with a smile of half recognition.

“Wait, Lily from Cokeworth? The really smart one?”

“That’s the one.”

Lily laughed, “I’m honored for that to be my title.”

“You must be important if you know Lily’s name,” James said. He was clearly trying to find out more about their relationship but in a casual way.

“Remus and I have just known each other since forever,” Oliver said and put his arm around Remus’ waist. He looked up at Remus with a mischievous smile. He was clearly having as much fun fucking with Remus’ friends as he was. Remus hadn’t even asked him to. He just knew.

“This is Mary, Sirius’ girlfriend,” Remus said. Mary gave them a wide smile and a wave. Sirius was wearing a barely hidden scowl. “You remember Sirius, don’t you?” Remus said.

“Oh, yes. Sirius from the bar the other night.”

All eyes fell quickly on Sirius who shifted uncomfortably in his seat. “When were you at this bar?” James asked. It was clear he couldn't think of a single reason why a man like Oliver and a man like Sirius would be in the same place.

“I just went to Remus’ bar to talk to him,” Sirius said. He was getting defensive which only made it more suspicious, but James just shrugged it off. Mary however was looking directly at him with a calculating expression.

“Right,” Remus said, moving things along because he hated dealing with Sirius when he got like this. “Then we have Peter.”

Peter nodded their direction, clearly bracing himself for a flirt of some kind, but Oliver just smiled politely and went back to looking at Remus. 

“So, are you doing anything after this?” Oliver asked him. James and Lily had resumed their conversation, but Remus could feel Sirius’ eyes on them. 

“Maybe,” Remus replied, “Do you have something in mind?”

Oliver leaned in very close to Remus’ ear so no one else could hear, “How jealous do you think we could make little drummer boy?” Remus felt his face breaking out into a smile. “We can go back to my place, eat ice cream, watch shitty romcoms and shout at the TV.”

“You know me so well,” Remus said just loud enough for Mary and Sirius to hear. He knew it was kind of a dick move, which is what made it even more fun. He leaned in close to Oliver and said, “I love messing with straight boys.”

Oliver let out a loud laugh and put a hand on Remus’ chest. “If he’s straight, then I’m the queen,” Oliver said back to him softly.

Sirius stood up abruptly. “I’m going to go smoke,” he said to no one in particular and pushed his way out of the room.

“The fuck?” Mary said to where Sirius had been standing and then quickly followed him out into the street. 

Oliver looked at Remus, the both of them barely containing their laughter as they sat down against the wall. James was looking at the door, clearly debating whether or not to go after them.

“Just leave it,” Remus heard Lily say to him. James turned back to their conversation.

“So let me guess,” Oliver said to him, “He flirts with you all the time yet has this girlfriend who he also seems to be obsessed with.”

“You got it,” Remus sighed.

“So is he straight and oblivious, or bi and closeted?”

“Isn’t that the question of the hour?” 

Oliver put his hand on Remus’ knee, “It’s always the ones you can’t have.”

“You know me too well,” Remus said as he leaned his head against Oliver’s.

“I’ll tell you one thing though,” Oliver said to him. “No straight boy dresses like that.” Remus burst out laughing.

-

Eventually, they did have to leave the place. James went to go get their pay, Peter started packing up on stage, and Oliver had to catch a train home (with the promise that Remus would come over tonight to watch romcoms with him).

As Remus was putting away his things, Lily approached him, “Hey, I wanted to go find Mary.”

“I think she’s outside with Sirius, is she not?”

“Yeah, probably,” Lily said, “But I was wondering if you could come with me for moral support. They can be a little intense, you know?” Remus did know. If they caught them doing something scandolous, at least they could be traumatized together.

The two of them walked into the alley, but neither Mary nor Sirius could be found. There was, however, some familiar shouting happening down the street. Remus and Lily shared a look and then headed off in that direction. The shouting became clearer as they approached.

“I don’t see what the big deal is!” Sirius' voice rang out.

“You're always staring over at him!” This was Mary’s voice. Everything within Remus was telling him to turn back and not hear whatever Sirius says, or else stay right here and listen in forever.

“For the thousandth time, it’s not like that.”

“Then tell me what it is like, Sirius, because there’s clearly something you feel like you have to defend yourself about.”

Lily and Remus rounded the corner and found Sirius and Mary standing by a bench. There were neglected coffee cups lying next to Mary’s purse. They must have gone out on a coffee date that had taken a turn for the worst.

“Hey guys,” Lily said as she approached. The two of them instantly stopped shouting at each other to look at her. “Um, I was wondering if you wanted to leave, Mary?”

“I would love to,” Mary responded with more than a fair bit of malice. She pushed past Sirius, grabbed her purse, and headed off with Lily.  As she left, Sirius was shouting her name after her.

Then, it was just the two of them, standing alone in an empty street, in the middle of the night. Remus didn’t know what to say so he just stood next to Sirius and lit a cigarette. Remus took a drag, offered it to Sirius who happily took a long inhale and handed it back to Remus as he blew out the smoke into the night air.

“God, women can be such a pain sometimes.”

“Careful there,” Remus said. “Don’t want to fall into sexism.”

Sirius let out a quick laugh. “It’s just Mary,” Sirius said. “I just don’t understand her.”

“What were you fighting about?” Remus asked as if they both didn’t already know. 

Sirius just shook his head, “We’re never fighting about anything. We’re just always fighting.”

“Maybe you guys shouldn’t be together,” Remus said. “I mean isn’t there supposed to be a honeymoon period?”

“I mean I like her,” Sirius said. He was leaning against the wall but staring straight at Remus as if there wasn’t a sky of stars or a city of lights all around them that was far more interesting to look at. “She can be really funny and sweet and she really does listen.” Sirius let out a breath of smoke, “And the sex is really good.”

Remus took the cigarette and blew out another swirl of smoke. He really didn't want to be the shoulder Sirius came crying to about Mary, but he didn't know what else to say.

“I don’t think you should be with someone who you’re screaming at,” Remus said, “or who’s screaming at you for that matter.”

“Meh, I’m used to it. It’s how my lovely mother showed her love.” He gave Remus a demented smile. 

Remus didn’t have any words so he just handed him back the cigarette and watched the smoke swirl towards the stars. He didn’t smoke like this with anyone else. All his friends had quit long ago. Remus had been trying to quit too but he always seemed to find some reason to start again. It seemed that recently that reason had become these moments with Sirius Orion Black.

“Come on,” Remus said finally. “James will be looking for us.”

Notes:

do not smoke. it is so so bad for you.

halfway through writing this, I translated a part of bohemian rhapsody into ancient greek for no good reason so please enjoy this: οὐκ ἐθέλω ἀποθνῄσκειν. ποτὲ ἐθέλω οὔποτε γεγεννήμενος (i don't want to die. sometimes i wish i had never been born at all).

it's so fun editing these chapters because I promise I do not remember writing them. i'm as surprised as you are when things happen.
-
songs in this chapter:
Circe by Glass Doors
The Bidding by Tally Hall

Chapter 4: seven in the fucking morning

Notes:

Songs in this chapter:
Snow by Ricky Montgomery
The Cut That Always Bleeds by Conan Gray

Remus woke up to his phone blaring out at an ungodly hour of the morning. He was in Oliver’s room which was completely dark except for the first rays of daylight hitting his curtains.

“Love, who the hell is calling you right now?” Oliver said from beside him in the bed. They hadn’t slept together, but Remus had gotten back late from the show and it just hadn’t been worth it to go back to his own apartment at 3 am.

Remus looked down at his phone, “It’s James,” he said and then picked it up and walked out of the bedroom.

“James, this better be fucking important to be calling me at the ass crack of dawn.”

“Have you checked Twitter yet today?” 

“No because 1. I don’t have a Twitter and 2. It’s seven in the fucking morning, asshole.”

“Well, get a Twitter because we’re kind of blowing up right now.”

“We?” Remus wasn’t aware the band was even putting things on Twitter.

“Yes, we. Someone took a video of our set last night, put up a few songs on Twitter, but it blew up in the band Twitter community and now it’s going everywhere.”

“I still don’t see why you woke me up for this.”

“Remus, it was 50 thousand retweets. It has a quarter of a million views and it's just been one night. We need to ride this wave. Release a single or something while people are still talking about us.”

Remus sighed. It was still way too early for this, “Have you called Marlene about this?”

“I’m calling her after I call you. But you need to get over to the apartment as soon as you can. We’re having an emergency band meeting.”

Remus was beginning to think that James stubbing his toe could constitute an emergency band meeting. “Fine, but I won’t be happy about it.”

Remus hung up and padded back into Oliver’s room. “Hey,” he whispered. “I have to go. Band stuff. Thanks for letting me stay over.”

“Hang on,” Oliver said and slowly sat up in bed. “I’ll get you some breakfast before you go.”

“No, you don’t have to do that,” Remus said but Oliver was already getting out of bed.

“Hush. Someone’s gotta take care of you.” Oliver took Remus’ face in his hands and kissed his forehead. “I got some cinnamon rolls you can take on your way.”

The two of them stood comfortably in the kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil as Oliver started putting pastries into a bag. “I’m putting some in for your bandmates.”

“They really don’t deserve it, Oli. You know what I say - ”

“All musicians are assholes, yeah, yeah. But I need to get these out of my house. Trust me, you’re doing me a favor.” Remus smiled. Oliver was way too nice to him.

Once his tea was brewed, he went on his way, apologizing yet again for waking up Oliver, and caught a bus to James and Sirius’ flat.

When he arrived, James looked completely refreshed at the early hour and had the energy of someone who could easily go on a run. Sirius, on the other hand, looked as exhausted as Remus felt. Peter, from the looks of it, was actually asleep in the armchair.

“Yes, Remus. Finally,” James said. 

Remus sat down on the couch and immediately wanted to go back to bed. Instead, he took out the cinnamon rolls. “Oliver made us some breakfast.”

“Oh, cheers,” James said. “I’ve already eaten though.”

“Of course, you have,” Sirius mumbled and took a roll. 

Peter seemed to have awoken at the mention of food. “Oh, I like Oliver. You’ve got to keep this guy around.”

“He’s not leaving anytime soon,” Remus said and Sirius looked at him with an impossible expression. Remus just raised an eyebrow and took a bite of his pastry.

“Okay Marauders,” James said, commanding everyone’s attention. “I called Marlene earlier. Here’s the game plan: we’re going to go into the studio today and record a single and go through what Marlene described as an utter shit ton of meetings.”

“I thought the studio wasn’t available for another two weeks?” Sirius asked.

“I guess some things got moved around. Marlene says we need to get the single out quick because this could be our big break. So, cancel any plans you have for the next two days. We have to be at the studio by 9:30.”

“I’ll call Mary,” Sirius sighed and went into his room.

“Yeah. I better tell Desdemona. We were supposed to get dinner tonight,” Peter said as if he was already resigned to canceling plans for the band, and then left into the hall.

“Do you want to call Oliver?” James asked Remus.

“Why would I call Oliver?” Remus replied.

“Are you two not going out?” 

“Nah, we’re just friends.”

“Friends who spent the night together?” Sirius asked as he emerged from the doorway.

“You’ve never had a sleepover, Black?” Remus fired back. “Hey, James. Will we have time to stop by my apartment so I can change?”

“What’s wrong with what you’re wearing now?” Sirius asked.

“I was wearing this last night,” Remus said. “Not to mention, it’s not very professional.” He was wearing an old pair of ripped jeans (not that they were bought that way) and a t-shirt for another band over the top of a long-sleeved black shirt. It was fine for a concert, not great for a business meeting.

James checked the time. “I don’t think so. Sorry. You’re free to borrow something from my closet though.” Remus hated needing things from people but he really couldn't look like this today.

“Alright. Cheers, mate,” Remus said and went to look in James’ room. It was starkly clean, with only a few pieces of clutter on the counter. Everything else looked like it had come out of a magazine. He wondered what James would think of his studio apartment that barely fit a mattress and was constantly covered in clothes or books or whatever else he had lying around.

“I’ll help,” Sirius said as he walked into the room. “One of us needs to have good fashion sense.”

"I have a fine fashion sense," Remus replied.

"Yeah, if you're talking about oversized sweaters." Sirius had taken to searching through James' closet. Occasionally, he would pull something out, hold it up to Remus, and then decide whether to put it back or throw it on the bed.

"I like my sweaters," Remus mumbled and sat down on the edge of the bed.

"Don't worry," Sirius said as he looked back at Remus, "Your sweaters are cute." Before Remus could even respond, Sirius had thrown a set of clothes at him. “Okay, go put these on,” Sirius said and pushed him off in the direction of James’ bathroom, (of course everyone here had a private bathroom).

The clothes were sensible - black jeans and a red button-up, but it just made Remus feel like a waiter.

“I like the pants. Not sure about the shirt,” Remus said as he walked back into the room. Sirius was looking him up and down critically.

“You’re right. The shirt is way too formal for you.” Sirius said and threw him a different one, a t-shirt.

Remus looked down at it, “Isn’t it a little cold for short sleeves?”

“You’ll be fine. We’ll be inside and jumping around playing music anyway.”

Remus stared down at the shirt and then tossed it back on the bed, “Nah, it’s fine. This shirt looks good.”

Sirius tutted, “Don’t be ridiculous.” Sirius turned back to the closet, “Would a sweater be better?” Before he could even respond, he got out a black one from James’ closet and threw it Remus’ way. “Put that on. I’m going to go check if I have anything better.”

Sirius walked out of the room so Remus started unbuttoning the shirt. He really did hate the formality of a button-up. He only wore them when his work required it. Once he finally got the buttons undone, he reached for the sweater but then he heard the door open.

“I knew I would have something better,” Sirius said as he walked in. “Put this on instead - Woah.” Sirius looked at Remus’ bare chest, which was covered in large white scars slashing over his skin. Remus would’ve gone to hide them but it was too late, Sirius had already seen. “Do you have those everywhere?” he asked quietly.

“Pretty much,” Remus said. The polite thing to do was for Remus to hide them or else for Sirius to turn away, but neither of them did. Instead, Sirius reached out a hand and traced one that crossed long down Remus’ chest. His touch was light and warm as his fingers ran over the scars. Remus was doing everything he could to keep his breath as even as possible.

“What happened, Remus?” Sirius asked in a whisper. His eyes met Remus’ but he didn’t remove his hand from where it lay on Remus' bare chest.

“Werewolf attack,” Remus said as he stepped out of Sirius’ touch. He has a girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. Remus repeated it to himself like a mantra.

“Don't be ridiculous,” Sirius said. Remus just shook his head and pulled Sirius’ sweater over his head. He turned to the mirror so he wouldn’t have to look at the other boy. The cream-colored sweater was a little tighter than Remus normally would wear, but it otherwise looked fine.

“It was painful, Sirius,” Remus replied. He looked at the other boy through the mirror. “I don’t really like to talk about it.”

“Okay,” Sirius said and put his hand on Remus’ arm. Remus looked at the two of them in the mirror. If he didn’t know them, they could be a couple. Which is exactly what Remus couldn’t let himself think.

"I like the sweater," Remus said.

"Yeah, it looks good on you."

They stood there for a moment, both saying something, both so desperately wanting to say something. 

Finally, Sirius broke the silence, "So does that make you a werewolf then? Track the moon cycles and all that?"

Remus smiled, "Yeah, I guess it does."

"Well, then we better watch out for the next full moon." Sirius' face broke into a wide grin. "That's what we'll call you! Moony!"

Remus shook his head but he couldn't deny Sirius this great joy, "Moony, it is."

-

When they arrived at the studio, Marlene immediately pulled them into a meeting. “Boys, we don’t have a lot of time. We need to get on this now. While you four are recording, our lawyers will be getting a record deal together.”

Peter’s eyes looked like they were going to burst out of his head, “A real record deal.”

“Yes. So if there’s anything particular you need in your contracts, let us know now. If you have lawyers, I would call them.”

Sirius looked at James. James nodded and then said, “I’ll text my mom.”

“So no special requests?” Marlene asked again. She was clearly trying to move this along.

“Is it separate contracts or an all-or-nothing thing?” Peter asked. Four sets of eyes fell on him. “Just, you know, Remus is new and we don’t want to trap him here.”

Sirius and James nodded as if this made perfect sense to them, as if they hadn’t already asked if Remus was serious about this. Had they all discussed this before, the possibility of Remus leaving? Having an easy out should comfort him. Remus had been a part of half a dozen bands that had quickly turned into hellish nightmares. The Marauders could easily be one of these bands.

But it didn’t feel comforting, not to Remus at least. For him, the band was the closest thing he had to a future. When he played with them, it felt like he could actually do this for the rest of his life. He couldn't imagine leaving.

“They’re separate contracts. Both you or the company could decide whether or not to renew some or all of you,” Marlene said. “If that is all, then you all should get your asses in the studio. After studio time, we will have contract negotiations. Then tomorrow, we will do more studio work and then go through about a million more meetings. Make sense?” Marlene didn’t wait for them to answer. She walked off in the direction of the elevator and expected them to follow.

Walking into the studio was a strange experience. Since it was the wall and ceiling were covered with acoustic paneling, the sound was completely absorbed. More than that, all the little noises in someone’s day, air conditioning, traffic, the hum of electricity, all gone. You could hear every footstep and every breath.

They weren’t alone in the studio. Sitting in front of a glass window and at least half a dozen computers were Alice and Frank Longbottom, one of the biggest names in music production. They had more awards than Remus could count. They were living legends and yet here they were.

“Boys, I’m sure you’ve heard of the Longbottoms,” Marlene said. “Alice and Frank, here is James Potter, Sirius Black, Peter Pettigrew, and Remus Lupin, otherwise known as the Marauders.”

“So you guys are the next big thing?” Alice said.

“We’re trying to be,” James responded. He seemed to be keeping his cool relatively well. Sirius, on the other hand, was openly staring. 

“Remus Lupin, why does that name sound familiar?” Frank asked Alice.

“Hmmm, yes. We’ve definitely heard of you,” Alice said. All the boys turned to look at Remus, who himself, was trying his best not to freak out. The Longbottoms knew him!

“Have you toured before?” Frank asked.

“No," Remus responded. "I mean, I do gigs a lot, but probably nothing you’ve been to.”

Frank hummed in response. “Maybe you’ve seen him at his work. He bartends downtown!” Peter said.

“No, that’s not it either,” Frank said. “Whatever. It will come to me. You all better get warmed up.”

The song they were recording was one Remus had written a few years ago after a breakup. It was the one getting the most hype online which Remus was excited about. James was still singing it, but Remus was more than happy to just provide the bass and backing vocals. He was never much of a frontman.

The four of them spent a good part of the morning explaining their vision of the song to the Longbottoms. Then it was a lot of recording and isolating and then re-recording and listening to the song over and over again. Remus had probably played the same bass line twenty different times and sang the same sections of the song at least thirty. By mid-morning, it was all starting to fry his brain.

There was one part in particular they just couldn’t get, especially one line.

Take my father's conscience from me .

Remus’ relationship with his dad, even at its best, was strained and distant, but James just didn’t have that. If the copious family photos are anything to go by, he had a great dad. There just weren’t the emotions the song needed.

After recording the line for what felt like the hundredth time, Alice’s professional voice came over the speaker. “Do you want to try singing the bridge, Remus?”

Remus looked over at James, “I don’t want to take James’ part.”

“I don’t care, Remus,” James said.

“Not for the recording itself,” Alice clarified, “But just to show James the headspace you're in.”

“Um, okay,” Remus said and set down his bass. He went to stand where James had been standing and put on the headphones. 

In his ear, he heard the mix that James had been singing to all day. It was still weird hearing the studio mix of all the instruments instead of just his own on stage. Alice’s hands appeared on the other side of the glass, with a count down. Remus started singing.

Take my mind

Take my body, oh-oh

Remus thought of his father. The way John Lupin was always off traveling somewhere. He thought of all the dinners he missed and report cards he never saw. He thought of the way his mom would come home exhausted from her two jobs and stare at the phone as if it would one day start ringing. Remus thought of how he didn’t even try to be his father until his mom became sick. 

Take my father's conscience from me

He practically screamed it, his voice wrought with emotion. As he finished, he took off one ear of the headphones just in time to hear James let out a soft, “Wow.”

“Can we just keep that as the bridge?” James asked to the booth. Alice and Frank were both smiling. 

“Sounds good to us. Remus?”

“Yeah, if you guys want to,” Remus said quietly. He hadn’t thought about that stuff in a long time. He was just glad they didn’t ask him to do it again. 

He put his bass back over his shoulder and got ready to do some more recording. This song better turn out well, Remus thought to himself.

-

“Christopher Barley!” Alice shouted halfway through a take. The rest of the band looked at each other confused, except for Remus. He was hoping this conversation was not going where he thought it was.

“Yes! That’s it! He definitely mentioned you,” Frank said. “How do you know Christopher?”

Remus wanted to die. Of all the people to mention Christopher, it had to be these extremely successful producers. “How do you know Christopher?” he asked instead of answering. 

“We produced his album,” Frank said. Remus didn’t know that because Remus had long since stopped following Chris' life. He had only ever listened to the album once and that was more than enough times.

“Oh, lovely,” Remus muttered. “Yeah, Chris and I dated for a while a few years ago.” He was very aware that everyone’s eyes, but especially Sirius’, were trained on him. He decided to tune his bass instead of looking at anyone.

“Holy shit, you’re a complete heartbreaker,” Alice said in amazement. “Half of his album is about you.”

“Is it?” Remus truly hoped not.

“You haven’t listened?” Alice asked. Remus just shrugged. He hadn’t a lot of attention.

“How could you not tell us you dated someone famous?” James asked.

“Chris is not famous. He’s literally just Chris.”

“Maybe to you!” James exclaimed. “To the rest of the world, he’s Christopher Barley.” He said it like his name was a royal title.

“He’s literally every indie kid’s favorite breakup artist,” Sirius said. Of course, Sirius knew Chris' music, Remus thought.

“Does the record label know you two dated?” Alice asked.

“No,” Remus said. No one in the whole of London knew they had dated until this very moment. “I don’t really feel like it’s their business.”

“This is entirely the kind of thing that is their business. If people know that you two were writing songs about each other, hell, you’d both shoot up on the charts, it’s a win-win.”

Remus wanted to scream. He really did not want to exploit an old relationship for fame. He didn’t want people even thinking about his personal life like that and especially not him and Chris.

“Isn’t Snow about him?” Sirius said. At least he had the decency not to have the same twisted excitement as the rest of them.

Remus sighed, “Yeah, I guess. I mean I wrote it after the breakup.”

“I’m gonna go call Marlene,” Alice said without asking Remus if it was okay with him. “Continue working on the mix, Frank. The rest of you take a little break.”

Both James and Peter took this opportunity to disappear somewhere. James, presumably to check in with his mom about the lawyer thing. Remus didn’t have enough energy right now to care where Peter wandered off to.

“Fuck,” Remus said to himself as he sat down on the ground. He wanted a cigarette. He wanted to call Christopher and give him a heads up. He wanted to leave this studio and never speak to anyone ever again. But mostly he wanted a cigarette.

"Alright there, Moony?" Sirius asked as he sat down next to Remus. The nickname still felt a bit clunky on his tongue. Remus just nodded in response because he couldn't make himself lie. “Was it a bad breakup?” Sirius asked.

He didn’t know why Sirius would even want to know. Remus never knew anything when it came to Sirius. 

“I mean, it was a breakup. They’re rarely fun.” Remus remembered those awful last few weeks. They were either not talking or they were constantly yelling at each other. Remus had said a lot of things he regretted. And then once it was finally over, Remus moved to London and Chris went wherever Chris went and they never talked again. Remus never got a chance to apologize.

“I just tend to not return their texts," Sirius said. "They get the message eventually.”

Remus chuckled to himself. Of course, that was Sirius’ move. “If it can end that easily, did it ever actually matter?” 

Sirius held his gaze for a long moment. “Maybe not.”

“We dated for like a year and a half,” Remus said, breaking away from Sirius’ eye contact. “You can’t really end that shit by ignoring it.”

“So have you really not listened to his album?”

“I listened to it once. He’s good.”

“He’s bloody fantastic. Sounds like you broke his heart.”

“We broke each other’s hearts,” Remus sighed. He really needed a cigarette, but that was probably more of a reason he should not get one.

“Why did it end?” Sirius asked quietly.

“I don’t know. It was his first relationship with a boy, my first real relationship. There was a lot of shit we both needed to work through." Remus hadn't talked about this with anyone except Oliver. He was struggling to put it into words. "I mean when you date someone for that long, it’s not one thing. It’s a bunch of little things that all amount to slowly realizing that it’s not going to keep working forever.” He had no idea why he was telling Sirius all this. “We were just really different,” Remus said finally.

“We’re really different,” Sirius said to him. His eyes were locked on Remus. If he was anyone else, Remus would lean over and kiss him or else shout at him to stop pulling this shit, anything to make Sirius come to his senses. But he couldn't. Because it was Sirius. Because if it went south, they still had to be in a band together. (And if it went well? Remus didn't let himself think like that).  

“Good thing we aren’t dating then, Black,” Remus said in the best light-hearted tone he could manage. 

“No, of course, I just meant…” Sirius trailed off as he struggled to say the right thing. “We’re friends, aren’t we?”

Remus gave him a small smile, “Yeah, of course, we are.” Sirius’ face lit up in a wide grin. 

Alice walked back into the room with a frazzled Marlene trailing behind her. “What is this I hear about you having a famous ex?”

Remus groaned loudly which caused Sirius to burst out laughing. It was going to be a long day.

-

When they finally finished in the studio, they were given an hour to get lunch, which Remus had never been more grateful for. He needed to get some food in his body and more than that, he needed to get out of that windowless fucking studio. It was really cool for the first hour, but the novelty wore off as soon as he played the same riff for the fifteenth time.

The four of them met James’ mom in the lobby - an older woman with greying hair but still looked great in a business suit. Since she was in the building doing lawyer stuff for the band, she was kind enough to take them all out to lunch.

James walked fast to greet her with a wild smile on his face. They embraced for a long while before she went on and hugged Sirius for just as long. They looked just as much mother-son as her and James did.

She also gave a hug, though much briefer, to Peter. Family friends and all that.

“And you are?” she asked politely to Remus.

“This is Remus Lupin,” James said. “Our new bassist and songwriter.”

“A damn good one at that,” Sirius added.

Remus smiled shyly and shook Euphemia’s hand. Remus had always been a bit uncomfortable around parents, especially mothers since his own had passed. It hurt to see her being so loving to the three other boys and know that his own mom was gone and would never be able to hug him the way Euphemia hugged her own son. Still, he pushed it down and tried to be polite.

Euphemia smiled at Remus, the same smile she gave the rest of the boys, “Off to lunch then, my treat?”

They ended up getting lunch at this restaurant that was far too fancy for Remus, and despite Euphemia saying that she would get the bill, Remus was still uncomfortable that an appetizer cost as much as three days meals for him.

Euphemia was very kind and clearly very proud of her son. She kept asking all kinds of questions about the band and the music and it eventually turned into a walk down memory lane.

“I remember when every day, all holiday,” Euphemia started. “You boys would hole yourselves up in the garage for hours on end and just hammer away. Those deafening drums.”

“You can’t be mad, Mrs. Potter. You bought me those,” Sirius said. Remus wondered when that was. How old was he when the Potters started taking care of him?

Euphemia just laughed good-naturedly, “And I would do it again. Even if it would cost me my sanity.”

“Remember when Sirius tried to teach Peter something on piano?” James said and the entire table erupted in laughter. Except for Remus. He thought about the moment that morning where Peter asked about the separate contracts. He was only here as a favor, Remus had to remind himself. They would find someone better soon, someone they could share their laughs with.

As they waited for their food, it devolved into more of this kind of speech. It would only take the vaguest prompts or strangest phrases to cause them all to laugh and smile like the old friends they were. 

Remus tried to smile along, but there was only so much he could handle. “I’m gonna go out for a smoke break,” he said quickly, ignoring the look that passed on Euphemia’s face.  Remus pushed his way out of the restaurant that was filled with suits and gold jewelry and onto the street. He felt much more at home amongst the smell of the gutter and the impolite chatter of passersby than he ever did in there. 

He lit a cigarette and relief flooded his system. Fuck, he really needed to quit. His mom always said how much she hated the smell. 

“You’ve got Mrs. Potter all concerned,” Sirius’ voice said from beside him because of course, he followed him out here.

“Yeah, sorry.” He blew out some smoke, “Just…mothers.”

“Yeah, I get it,” Sirius said. Remus didn’t believe for a second that he did but he didn’t point this out. He just stayed silent. “The first time I hung out at the Potter’s house,” Sirius continued, “I wanted to punch a wall because what did James ever do to get this wonderful family and then I wanted to cry because I knew I would never have that. My mum would never smile at me like that, would never hug me like that.” He paused. "She wasn't a very loving person."

Remus looked over at Sirius. He was looking out at the traffic. It was much easier to say the hard stuff if you pretended like you were talking to no one at all.

“And then, I ran away from home,” Sirius said with a sigh. “I was living on the streets for a while, just waiting for the holidays to be over so I could go back to school, not even knowing if I would be allowed back, but the school never said anything about it so I guess my parents kept paying. Anyway, I eventually let slip to James that I didn’t have a home to go to and so the next weekend,” Sirius paused. His voice had gone a bit shaky and he let out a deep breath. “I went home with James and his parents had cleared out the guest room for me. Put up pictures of James and me everywhere. There was even some stuff that I had left at my home. No clue how they got them.” Sirius smiled a bit to himself.

“They sound like good people,” Remus said.

“The best,” Sirius responded. “So the point of this long-ass story is that I get that the Potter’s love can be a lot, especially if you haven’t had a ton of experience with it. But it’s given freely. She’ll love you too, Remus.”

“Yeah, thanks.” Remus wanted to say something else, something better, something that would express the real gratitude and respect he had for Sirius, something like thank you for trusting me. B ut he didn’t know how to have a conversation like that. Not with Sirius. So instead, he took the easy way out and chose a joke instead, “What’s not to love?”

Sirius laughed lightly and let the mood change. “Come on, our food is probably here.”

-

The rest of the afternoon devolved into a series of long meetings that Remus was required to be present for but he understood very little of. Most of it was contract negotiations and judging by the expressions on the rest of his bandmates, they didn’t know what was happening either. 

That didn’t mean it wasn’t interesting. Euphemia was using what Remus could best describe as corporate passive-aggressiveness. Technically, she was saying all the right things, yet her frustration was clear as she argued over dividends, film rights, and a million other hypotheticals. Remus was glad she was here though because if someone had handed him a contract, he probably would’ve just signed it.

Halfway through the meeting, they started pulling band members out one by one to meet with someone who Remus assumed would become their publicist. First, it was James who was back within twenty minutes. Then Sirius, who took at least twice as long. When he came back, he seemed equal parts solemn and pissed. Then they called in Remus.

He was brought into yet another office and sat in front of a woman with dark skin and a wide smile. “Hello, Remus,” she said as she pulled up a word document. “My name is Dorcas Meadows. I handle publicity for many of our brands here at Phoenix Records.”

“Nice to meet you,” Remus said, trying his best not to appear nervous. 

“I’m just going to ask you some questions. I need you to answer as truthfully as possible so that if you make it big, we’re not blindsided by anything later.”

Remus nodded and the questioning began. Most of it was easy. Where did he grow up? Had he ever committed any crimes? (They then had a long list of illegal activities which he answered no to almost all of them.) Then it moved into relationships.

“So you dated Christopher Barley,” she said instead of asking.

“Yeah, for like a year or so.”

Dorcas nodded, “And was it a messy breakup?”

“Yeah, I guess. I mean we don’t hate each other. Well, I don't know. We haven't spoken in years but...” Remus couldn't help but think about how different it was than how it was with Sirius. This was so much more clinical and uncomfortable. 

“I’ve been chatting with my colleagues on Christopher Barley’s team.” That’s another weird thing. Everyone referred to him with his full name. No one ever just called him Chris. “He’s accepted a meeting with you for tomorrow to discuss the single and any future releases going forward.”

“And Chris will be there?” Remus asked.

“Yes, will that be an issue?”

“No, no issue. Just want to prepare myself.” He didn't know what he was going to do when he saw Chris. His gut says apologize but you can't exactly do that at a business meeting.

“The strategy we are thinking of is that we don’t outwardly say that you dated or that either song is about each other. But we imply it. We have Christopher Barley post an old photo of you two where it looks like you're dating but not outwardly and he says how proud he is of you.”

It made Remus feel sick to exploit their relationship like that on the internet. It was dirty and cheap and completely insincere to imply they were still on good terms. But then again, Chris did write an entire album about him.

And he thought of all the press that someone like Christopher could bring in. It was their one chance to make it big. He didn’t want to say yes, but he couldn’t say no.

“Yeah. I mean, if he’s cool with it, then it is fine with me.”

Dorcas nodded and typed something out on her word document. “That brings me to our next section - social media. What accounts do you have?”

“I don’t have any.”

“You don’t have any,” Dorcas repeated, not believing him.

“Not a single one,” Remus said and then held up his phone. It was a cheap flip phone he had had for years.

“Why do you have a burner phone?” 

“Because I can’t exactly afford an expensive device when this will work just as well as this.”

Dorcas just nodded, “Well, that makes my job easier. No old tweets that will resurface later. Now let’s talk family. Who are your parents? What do they do?”

“My dad is an insurance salesman. My mum passed away a few years ago.”

“How’d she pass?” There was no emotion in her voice. Dorcas seemed nice enough but it was clear she was just checking through a list like a background check.

“Cancer.” God, Remus hated this conversation. He didn't talk about his mother with anyone. 

Everyone else was probably getting the same questions. No wonder Sirius had looked so pissed off. He hated talking about his past almost as much as Remus did.

"Okay, and what's your sexuality?" Dorcas asked.

Remus would've paid good money to hear Sirius' answer.

-

The rest of the day dragged on with seemingly endless meetings. Eventually, however, they finally came to an agreement, contracts were signed, hands were shaken. Sirius even let out a tired woo. Remus mostly wanted to get back to his fucking bed because he had been up since seven in the fucking morning.

“Alright, boys,” Marlene said. “I do not want any funny business tonight. We are meeting with Christopher Barley tomorrow and everyone,” she looked at Sirius, “and I mean everyone, must be on their best behavior. So go home, drink some water, and the fuck to bed. I will see you at 11 am tomorrow.”

Say what you will about Marlene , Remus thought, but she was efficient.

As they left the building, they bid goodbye to James’ mother. She gave the three other boys tight hugs and made them promise they would call soon. Remus didn’t expect anything, but then she turned to him and opened her arms.

Remus turned into her embrace and she wrapped her arms around him, he quickly realized how long it had been since he had a motherly hug. Even throughout the chemo, his mom made a point to always hug him goodbye like it would be their last. And one day it was. 

When they broke apart, Remus tried to give her a smile that showed how grateful he was and yet hid how much it hurt.

“I’ll see the four of you very soon, I hope,” she said to them.

“Of course, Mum,” James said. “Sirius and I will come around soon.” And then they departed towards the car.

They all got into their regular spots and James took off in the direction of Peter’s flat. Sirius offered Remus a piece of gum, which he took silently. He didn’t feel like talking, not when his mother was on his mind. Everyone was too exhausted from the day to notice.

Once Peter left the car and they headed off in the direction of Remus’ flat, Sirius spoke up, “So, what is Christopher Barley like?”

Remus sighed. He hoped this was just a question because Chris was a celebrity now, but he knows that’s not all it is. “He’s fine. Nice, I guess. He was super into poetry and books and all that back in the day. I don’t know about him now. Fame changes people.”

“We won’t let it change us,” James spoke up.

“We’re not famous yet,” Remus replied. “Who knows what will happen to us.”

“So, do you think he’s a dick now?” Sirius asked.

Remus was done with this line of question. “All musicians are assholes.”

“I’m not,” Sirius said with a smile.

“You, especially, are an asshole,” Remus replied.

“I am not!” Sirius was pretending to be offended, or at least he thought he was pretending to be. Remus could see right through it.

“Say that to the string of broken-hearted girls you don’t remember the name of.” 

Sirius huffed and then went to staring out the window. Remus knew he had struck a nerve but it’s what he gets for being all up in Remus’ business.

When Remus finally arrived home, he collapsed onto his bed. The apartment was just as he had left it days ago - covered in clothes and books and dirty dishes in the sink - yet everything felt different. They had a chance of making it big. Remus had a chance of leaving this shitty apartment that had a perpetual draft and no heating.

Where would he be in a year? In a nice apartment? In a tour bus in some random town? Or would he just be where he is now? in a shitty apartment with a dead-end job and a million songs no one has ever heard.

-

Remus was able to sleep in a bit the next day, but he still woke up exhausted. More than that, he was nervous. He hadn't seen Chris in years and now the future of his music career rode on Chris not holding grudges. If Remus could go back in time and punch 21-year old Remus, he would.

The minute Remus walked into the conference room and saw Christopher, he was instantly transported. Despite the corporate room, the fine pressed suits, and all the other people, it was still Chris. In one moment, he saw everything he fell in love with and everything he hated. It was like he was 19 all over again.

Chris stood up as they walked into the room. He was wearing a suit, which was a jarring experience in its own right. Remus had never known him to own anything so nice. Chris held out his hand with a nervous smile. It was so professional and so wrong. Remus just shook his head and pulled him into a hug, which Christopher, luckily, returned.

“How are you?” Chris asked. It should've been an easy question, but nothing was easy when it came to Christopher. Remus had been a mess when they got together and he had been a mess when they broke up. It was a loaded question and Remus was not ready to answer it.

“How am I? You’re the one who’s a celebrity. How are you?”

Chris laughed to himself, “Yeah, I’m alright. It’s been really weird and surreal, but good.”

"Good, good." There was so much Remus wanted to say but couldn't, so he just kept staring at Chris as if it would make this situation make sense in his head.

“Well you two seem to be on good terms,” Marlene interrupted. “I was half afraid you would hate each other and this whole operation would go south.”

“Of course we’re still on good terms. It’s hard not to like Remus Lupin,” Chris said and Remus was hoping no one could see the blush on his face. Chris always was better with words.

They all sat down and Marlene started running over the plan. It was mostly what they had discussed - Chris makes a post promoting the Marauder's new single. Chris' team had already picked out a photo of them for Remus to approve. Remus knew this was going to happen, yet he still wasn’t ready for it.

The photo was clearly from a party - at Chris’ apartment, if memory served  - and Remus was sitting under Chris’ arm with their entire bodies pressed close together. There was a cigarette in Remus’ mouth - his smoking habit was much worse then - and it was taken on an old polaroid camera. The room was filled with smoke, giving the whole thing a hazy atmosphere that felt like Remus’ memory. 

It was a nice photo of a nice night. They certainly looked like a couple, but nothing that couldn’t be explained away by alcohol and close friendship. Remus liked it. Sirius did not. He had crossed his arms over his chest and was staring at the screen like it was a puzzle he just couldn’t solve. 

“Yeah, this photo looks perfect,” Remus said before Sirius could say anything and ruin it. Remus caught Chris’ eye from across the table. It was strange reconciling the poor kid from the photo with the business suit in front of him. The photo felt like worlds away.

“Perfect,” Chris’ manager said. “Now, if questioned directly, what is the party line?” 

“Can it not just be the truth?” Remus asked.

“Well, of course, it will all come out eventually,” Marlene said. “But I think in the beginning, we say nothing. Just a line of old friends supporting friends.”

“Yes. I think we really let this simmer until we can’t avoid it anymore,” Chris’ manager said. “We want to build intrigue.”

Remus hated that they were talking about his relationship with Chris like this, like it was all some strategy or marketing ploy. The emotions had been real. The relationship had been real.

He imagined what Oliver would say. He would probably be disappointed that Remus was knowingly playing into some mass queer baiting scheme. It’s exactly the kind of use of queer relationships for monetary gain that Oliver complained so loudly about every time another corporate sponsor was announced for Pride and now Remus was playing right into their hands.

But then Remus thought about his apartment with its peeling paint and thin walls. He couldn’t say no. His empty fridge wouldn’t let him. 

So he sat and listened as their managers discussed time frames and hints and interview lines and he tried not to hate himself for it.

-

After the meeting, Chris caught Remus' arm and pulled him away from the rest of the band. They hadn’t really spoken this whole time. James raised his eyebrows but Remus just waved him off.

“Hey, I just wanted to say that I am really proud of you for all the music stuff,” Chris said to him. “You’ve always been incredibly talented and I’m so glad things are starting to work out for you.”

Remus smiled. He could picture it now, how easily he fell for this guy - the one who wrote poetry and brought him on walks through the forest. “Thank you, Chris. That means a lot to me. Congrats on everything that’s been going on with you. It sounds like you’re making it big.”

“Yeah, something like that. Honestly, fame isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It can be pretty hard to live a normal life when you can’t go to the grocery store without getting stopped for a selfie. And people become really obsessed with you. I mean, they think that you’re their friend or they know everything about you. It’s honestly so weird. Like, I don’t know these people, you know?”

And just like that, Remus remembers the man he broke up with and how Remus came to know one universal truth - all musicians are assholes. He really did not want to hear about how hard it is to have people who want to hear you perform or care about what you have to say. 

“Must be such a different world,” Remus said because he didn’t want to be rude to someone who held his fate in the balance.

“Anyways, how are you really, Remus? And don’t lie.” That was another issue between them. Chris knew him right after Remus’ mom passed, and Remus never knew how to express what he felt and Chris never knew how to help him.

Well, not never. There were some moments where he would say just the right thing or hold him in just the right way that it made up for all the times they didn’t.

“I’ve been alright,” Remus said. “It’s been hard, you know. You knew me at the worst of it. But I’ve got a job and I like this band I’m in. It looks like things are starting to look up for us.”

Chris smiled, “I really hope so. The music is great, I mean it. Look, give me your phone. I’ll put in my number. We should stay in touch.”

“Chris…” Remus really did not think starting this up again would be a good idea.

“Not like that,” Chris said with a laugh. “Just as friends. Musician friends. I mean it.”

“Okay, but just friends. Any sense of funny business and I’m out,” Remus said with a smile.

“Duly noted.” Chris put his number in Remus’ phone and then waved goodbye. Remus went back to where the rest of the Marauders were standing.

“Wanna go back to the flat?” James asked. “Peter has to go but Sirius and I are going to have a drink.” 

Remus nodded and they headed off in the direction of the car.

-

“There’s just something I don’t like about the guy,” Sirius said. They were all sipping beer in their flat as the night ran on. James was absentmindedly playing guitar and the rest of them were just sitting lazily around the flat. Sirius had invited Mary, but for once, they weren’t fighting or putting their relationship on gross display.

“How could you not like him? He’s Christopher Barley,” Mary responded from under Sirius’ arm.

“And he was really quite nice to give us the time of day,” James said.

“I don’t know, something just rubs me the wrong way. I mean he wrote this whole album about Remus. That’s kind of fucked up, don’t you think?” Sirius was asking James who just shook his head and went back to strumming the guitar.

“I’ve written quite a few songs about him too,” Remus said.

“Yeah but you haven’t become famous off of it.” Sirius sounded personally offended by Chris and Remus had no idea why.

“Well, if the single does well, won’t I be doing exactly the same thing?” Remus said.

Sirius groaned, “It’s different.”

“I really don’t think it is, mate,” James said. “I honestly can’t believe you didn’t tell us sooner, Remus.”

“I don’t really think about him anymore. It’s been years.”

“When were you together?” Mary asked.

“Does it matter?” Sirius huffed, but Remus ignored him.

“From when I was 19 and then we broke up a year and a half after that so I must’ve been around 21.” In the three years since Remus didn’t feel like he’d gotten up to anything. Chris was selling records around the world.

“What’d you think of the album? Does it annoy you when it comes on at parties and things?” Mary seemed genuinely interested in it which only served to annoy Sirius more.

“I really haven’t listened to it. I promise you guys that I haven’t thought about him in months, years even.”

“Good,” Sirius said as if it had anything to do with him.

“Well, we should listen to at least one song,” Mary said, “so you know what you’re getting into.”

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” James said. Remus would’ve protested - he really didn’t want to hear whatever Chris had written about him. He had blocked it out the first time - but then he saw Sirius roll his eyes.

“Go ahead and put one on, Mary,” Remus said. She happily got up and connected her phone to the speaker. 

Everyone fell silent as Chris’ voice filled the room.

"I don't love you anymore"

A pretty line that I adore

Five words that I've heard before

Immediately Remus remembered why he never listened to the album for a second time. It was way too real. Remus had said those words to Christopher and he did it viciously. He did it with an almost violent glee as he tore their relationship apart. Their breakup was not an easy one.

‘Cause you keep me on a rope

And tied a noose around my throat

You're gone, then back at my door

They would fight like hell. At some point, it became a competition to just say the worst things to one another and see who could take it the longest. Then eventually someone would get pissed and storm out and break up, only to be back together by the end of the week. It was hell for both of them.

Oh, I can't be

The kiss that you don't need

The lie between your teeth

The cut that always bleeds

“Fuck,” Remus said to the room. “The internet is going to hate me.”

Mary leaned over and patted his knee, “If it makes you feel better, the internet already hates you. They just don’t know it’s you yet.”

“How the fuck would that make him feel better?” Sirius said.

“Jesus, it was just a joke. Calm down.”

“Well, it wasn’t funny.”

Remus could sense a fight was brewing and he needed to end it quick. “Honestly, guys. It’ll just be better for us. No such thing as bad press, right?”

And even though he was saying it, he didn’t really believe it himself.

Notes:

yes that is christopher from ATYD. I actually have never read MsKingBean89's band fic so any similarities are completely coincidental.

thank u guys for reading! i hope you are liking it
-
Songs in this chapter:
Snow by Ricky Montgomery
The Cut That Always Bleeds by Conan Gray

Chapter 5: the power of twitter

Notes:

Songs in this chapter:
The One That Got Away - Katy Perry

TW for needles and piercings

 

The song was being mastered and would be released Friday, which meant that for the rest of the week, Remus had to go back to working at the bar at the worst hours. It was so strange to go from business meetings and big contracts to being yelled by drunks and slowly deafening himself with the sound of whatever crap band was playing that night.

On top of all this, Sirius had started texting him at all hours of the night. Remus suspected it was because James was asleep and Sirius knew he worked late. And Remus got the feeling that James had told Sirius to stop complaining to him about Mary, which meant that Remus got minute-by-minute updates of their tumultuous relationship.

8:04pm - i have to apologize to mary tonight, if i dont text back, assume im dead

8:17pm - shes actually in a good mood tonight, crisis averted

8:37pm - spoke too soon

9:12pm - can i come over later tonight if this all goes south

9:14pm - moonyyy

9:15pm - i really like the nickname i think itll stick

9:21pm - plss say yes

Remus was absolutely not supposed to be on his phone at work but it can be hard to ignore when it wouldn’t stop buzzing for a literal hour. Making sure his manager wasn’t looking, Remus snuck out his phone and sent back a quick text.

9:25pm - I get off at ten. 

9:25pm - is that a yes??

9:26pm - Yes. Now, stop texting me. I’ve got to work.

When Remus went back to his flat, he found Sirius waiting on the stairs. Of course, he was waiting like some kind of lost puppy.

“You’re lucky I got off early,” Remus said to him as he opened the door to his apartment.

“This is early?” Sirius asked. He was looking around Remus' tiny studio apartment, taking in the cluttered surroundings and trying his best not to show judgment on his face.

Remus threw his coat on a pile of books and collapsed onto the bed in the center of the room. “Yes. Usually, I get off around 2 or 3.” Remus watched as Sirius tried to figure out where to sit. The kitchen stools were piled high with miscellaneous crap and the floor was covered in books. He really needed more space but London rent was high and he refused to get a roommate despite Oliver's repeated offers. "Just sit on the bed, Sirius. I don’t bite.”

Sirius nodded and sat down carefully on the edge of the mattress. He was sitting with a perfect posture that Remus had no doubt was drilled into him since he was a child. “You like to read?” Sirius asked politely as if it wasn't obvious by almost every free surface being covered in old books.

“Yeah,” Remus said. “We couldn’t afford a telly when I was a kid so my mum would buy me all these books from secondhand stores.” Remus picked up whatever was closest and tossed it to Sirius, “Read one if you want.”

Remus watched as Sirius examined the cover. It was some fantasy novel that Remus was obsessed with when he was younger. “My mother never let us read anything but the classics,” Sirius said. He opened the book and started flipping through the first few chapters.

“Sounds like a delightful woman, your mother.”

Sirius let out a small laugh, “Yeah, she was a real ball of fun.”

“Want a drink?” Remus asked, mostly because he needed a distraction from the attractive and unavailable boy sitting on his bed.

“God, yes,” Sirius replied instantly. Remus got up and started pouring out some cheap vodka and club soda. It wouldn’t taste good, but it would get the job done.

By the time Remus turned back to Sirius with a drink, the other boy was already enthralled in the book. “Are you liking it?” he asked.

“It’s so easy to read,” Sirius said, amazed.

“Well, it was written for 11-year-olds.”

“Can I borrow this?” 

Remus wanted to laugh, “Are you being serious right now?”

“I’m always Sirius,” he replied with a grin.

Remus groaned loudly and sat down on the bed. “How have I not heard that one before?”

“Well, James and Peter learned long ago to remove that word from their vocabulary.” Sirius accepted the drink from Remus’ hand. “But can I borrow it?”

“Yeah, of course. What’s mine is yours.”

Sirius closed the book and put it in his jacket pocket. Sirius turned to examine the cluttered little flat around him, but eventually, his gaze fell on Remus. His icy blue eyes met Remus' green ones. Remus never remembered eye contact feeling so intense.

“How is Mary?” Remus asked, mostly to remind Sirius and himself of the very real girlfriend Sirius was here to escape.

“Fuck Mary,” Sirius said and took a long sip of his drink.

“Don’t you?” Remus asked, amused. He moved to lay down on the bed and Sirius laid down next to him. They didn’t look at each other, but they couldn’t have been more than inches apart. Remus could hear the even rise and fall of Sirius' breath. 

“I don’t want to talk about Mary,” Sirius said to the air between them.

“Then what do you want to talk about?” It felt like a much deeper question than Remus had meant it to be.

Sirius turned on his side. Remus knew he was looking at him, but he refused to turn and meet him. “When did you pierce your ears?” Sirius asked. 

“I think I was nineteen," Remus remembered. "My friends and I all got drunk and pierced each other’s ear with a needle.”

“Wasn’t it painful?” 

“Not really. I mean we were so drunk." Remus tried to call up how it felt, "It just feels like a needle going through your ear.”

Sirius reached out and touched the small golden hoops Remus had in. Remus tried his very best to remain still as Sirius’ hand brushed against his cheek. “I like them,” Sirius said softly.

“Thank you,” Remus said because he didn’t know what else he could possibly say. Remus knew he should break the tension somehow - stand up or turn away from Sirius’ touch - but he didn’t want to. There was something so addictive about Sirius Black.

“Could you pierce mine?” Sirius asked, finally removing his hand and sitting up to take another drink. Remus finally dared to look over at Sirius. His face was lit by the warm glow of Remus’ lamp but his hair was caught in the moonlight. He was gorgeous like this - when he wasn’t showing off or trying to catch someone’s eye. His beauty could be so casual. 

Mary is a lucky woman , Remus thought to himself and then finished his drink.

“Yeah, I can pierce them if you want. I think I have a needle around here somewhere.” Remus stood up and started rummaging through his things.

“What? Right now?” 

“You got anything better to do tonight?”

“No, no.” Sirius took another sip from his drink. “I mean, do you even have any of the stuff?”

“Yeah, of course,” Remus said and pulled out the kit from under some clothes and handed it to Sirius. Remus also poured himself another drink, because he was going to need it.

“What is this? A sewing and paint kit?”

Of course, Sirius had never seen one before. “It’s for stick and poke tattoos, but it’s where I keep a piercing needle that will work for this too.”

“Do you have tattoos?” 

Remus turned to him and held out his hand. On his middle finger, there was a singular crescent moon tattoo. It was a lot blurrier than it once was but it was still more than legible.

Sirius let out a large laugh, “See, I told you Moony was the perfect nickname.” 

Remus rolled his eyes, “Yeah, I have other ones but I can’t really show them now.”

“Why not?” Sirius asked.

“Because I would need to take off my pants, Sirius.” 

“Oh.” A blush was spreading across his face. “When did you get those?”

“Around the same time I got my ears pierced.” It was the year after his mom died. He sort of went off the deep end after that. 

Remus took the tattoo kit out of Sirius’ hands and took out a marker. He took Sirius’ face in his hands and tucked Sirius’ hair behind his ear. It seemed like Sirius might say something but he fell silent at Remus' touch. Remus wiped either ear with an alcohol swab and marked a dot.

Remus turned back to the kit and took out the needle. He flipped out his lighter and starting holding the needle to the flame.

“Why the fuck are you doing?” Sirius practically yelled.

“Sterilizing the needle, calm down, Padfoot.”

Sirius’ face broke out into a grin, “You called me Padfoot.”

Remus ignored his expression and focused on the needle. “It’s your nickname, isn’t it?”

“Yeah, but you, Remus Middle-Name Lupin, called me Padfoot.” Sirius sounded as if he had just won the lottery. 

It was hard not to smile when he said it like that. “My middle name is John,” Remus said.

“That’s so boring. You can’t have a first name like Remus and then have the most boring middle name ever.”

“It’s my dad’s name. My mum picked out my first name which is why it’s amazing and my dad picked out my middle name, which is it’s terrible. Anyway, not all of us can have cool celestial names.”

“You think my name is cool?”

Remus looked up from where he was keeping the needle. “I never said that.”

“Oh but you totally do.” Sirius looked way too smug with himself.

“Go find the jewelry box on the windowsill,” Remus said, changing the subject. “Pick out some simple earrings we can put in after I pierce this. And put your hair up.”

Sirius did as he was told and came back with long dangling silver earrings - a gift from Oliver. Remus had no doubt they would look great on Sirius, but they weren’t good for just pierced ears.

“No, those won’t work. I said simple. You can’t take these out for the next six weeks.”

“Six weeks?” Sirius repeated.

“Yeah, didn’t you know that?”

“How would I know that? I don’t have sisters!”

"It's common knowledge, Sirius."

Sirius grumbled under his breath.

“It’s not too late to back out,” Remus said.

Sirius looked up at him with a fierce gaze, “Sirius Black never backs down from a challenge,” and he came back with two simple black studs.

“Perfect, okay hold still.” Remus held Sirius’ face in his hands and lined up the needle. “I’ll count to three. One, two,” and Remus stuck the needle through his ear without getting to three. He quickly took one of the studs from Sirius’ hand and stuck it through the new hole. “How’d that feel?”

“Like a needle just went through my ear."

“Don’t be a baby,” Remus said and started getting the needle ready for the next ear. “Okay, you’ll need to be careful about these. Twist them three times a day and be sure to wash them with soap and water and then occasionally with alcohol swabs.”

“That seems like so much,” Sirius said.

“It’s really not. Five-year-olds get their ears pierced all the time.” Remus took Sirius' face in his other hand, not even bothering to do a countdown this time, and pierced his other ear. Once the new earring was in, Remus stood back and looked at Sirius. “All done.”

“How does it look?” Sirius asked. There was a mirror directly to Sirius’ right, but he asked Remus first.

Remus didn’t know how to respond when Sirius looked at him like that - like Remus was the only one who mattered. “It looks good. You look cool,” Remus said and turned to clean off the needle. 

Sirius turned to the mirror and admired himself in the glass. “It looks perfect,” Sirius said. He turned to face Remus again, “What would I do without you?”

-

The attention from the song had not gone down. James had started texting them daily reports of how their Twitter was doing. At first, it was five thousand followers, then ten, and now fifteen thousand Twitter followers and they hadn’t even released anything yet.

That didn’t mean their Twitter was silent, however. Sirius had started making snarky replies to fans and James had taken to uploading behind-the-scenes videos of them from rehearsal. Some of these videos were of them playing instruments, but most were of them just messing about.

One video, in particular, had gone moderately viral. It was from one of Remus’ first rehearsals where he and Sirius were laying next to each other on a sun-baked section of concrete. James was whispering into the camera as he zoomed in on them. “Look at them, making friends,” he said. Remus wasn’t aware he had even filmed that.

But now it was everywhere. People were already taking parts of other clips from shows, anything where he and Sirius so much as glanced at each other and were now constantly tweeting at the Marauders’ Twitter account to ask if they were dating.

Part of Remus expected this. As an openly gay man, he knew people were going to look extra carefully into his friendships. He didn’t have much of a problem with the concept, but did it have to be Sirius?

Not helping was the fact that Sirius found this all hilarious, or he was trying to convince himself that it was. At band rehearsal, after the video had blown up, Sirius read the comments out loud like he was hearing the funniest joke in the world. He would even go up to Remus in between songs and show him the best comments.

Remus didn’t have a problem with any of this on principle. Some of the comments were even quite hilarious. But there was something in the way Sirius would do it as if it was so improbable that anyone could even think that there was something between them. 

It wasn’t like Sirius had been laughing his drunk ass off in Remus’ bed the night before. Sure, it was all platonic, but it wasn’t outrageous to give it a second thought.

Yet Remus couldn’t get mad at Sirius for this, because what could he even say - I don’t think the idea of you and I dating is so ridiculous? No, Remus could never say that, because it was way too close to the truth.

Remus knew, deep down, that if Sirius broke up with Mary right now and asked him on a date, he would say yes, without hesitation. Because despite Sirius’ stubbornness and moodiness and general musician assholeness, Remus really didn’t mind the idea of everyone thinking they're together. At the very least, it validated that everyone was picking up on the same thing he was.

With the added attention came added pressure. James was going absolutely insane every time the song was messed up even a little. This only served to make everyone more stressed and mess up even more, especially Peter who was not taking the pressure well.

Everyone responded to James’ criticism differently. Remus tended to over-practice the same section. Sirius would blow it off like it didn’t matter but secretly make the changes. Peter being corrected only served to make him more nervous. He would stop paying attention to the flow of the music and only his notes which threw off the whole thing.

James, in his frustration, was going over the song with Peter one on one for the tenth time.

Remus went to go talk to Sirius, as he always did on these little breaks. 

“How do the piercings feel?” Remus asked.

Sirius was texting on his phone, however. “Yeah, good.” He barely even glanced at Remus, before starting a phone call with Mary. “Hey, baby,” he answered the phone like it was his favorite person. Remus supposed she should be, but it still felt like a slap in the face.

Remus couldn’t deal with his mood swings. One day it was like Sirius was all his, the next it was like they were strangers to each other.

Remus wanted to go up to James and ask him what was Sirius' deal, but he looked like he might pull out his hair if Peter didn't get this section right. Instead, Remus sent a text to Oliver, 

6:43pm - All musicians are assholes.

6:44pm - the drummer?

6:44pm - Yup.

6:45pm - you never learn. 

6:47pm - it looks like you two are getting traction tho on twitter. im glad youre getting recognition, but be careful with your heart.

6:48pm - Yeah, the internet is strange. I mostly leave it alone. I wish it would do the same to me.

6:48pm - price of fame nowadays.

6:49pm - We’re not famous yet.

6:49pm - yet.

-

Sirius did not stop coming over to Remus’ apartment. Despite how cold he could be at rehearsals when it was just the two of them, it was like none of that had ever happened.

“You should give me a key,” Sirius said when Remus found him waiting for him after work.

“I only have the one,” Remus replied. “Oliver has the spare.”

“Well, then make another one.” Sirius had taken to throwing himself on Remus’ bed as if it were his own. Remus would be more offended if there was anywhere else to sit.

“Why? So you can come somewhere to escape from Mary?”

“Do you think that’s all this is?” Remus just gave Sirius a look. “Okay, so that’s part of it, but it’s not everything. I enjoy hanging out with you.”

Remus rolled his eyes and grabbed his bass from where it was leaning against the wall, “Whatever you tell yourself.”

“I do! You’re very nice to be around.” 

Remus sat down on the bed next to him. “And there’s no way in hell Mary would risk coming out here.”

“Is it so hard to believe that I actually like you?” Sirius was staring straight at him.

Remus wanted to scream. Sirius, as always, had no conception of what his words meant. “Scoot over, I need to practice,” Remus said in lieu of answering.

“No, you don’t. You always sound great,” but Sirius moved anyway.

“There’s this one part in Snow I keep messing up.” 

Sirius hummed in response as Remus started practicing. Remus knew he shouldn’t play this late at night because he did have neighbors but he also knew those neighbors loved to blast tango music every Sunday, so it was revenge.

Sirius had started rummaging through the books around him. He would glance at covers, maybe even read a few lines and then put it back in the pile. What he was looking for, Remus didn’t know.

But then Sirius picked up Remus’ journal. “What’s this?” he asked.

Part of Remus wanted to snatch it away like a 16-year old girl whose diary just been discovered, but he knew that would only entice Sirius more. “Just song ideas. Lyrics and stuff.”

Sirius started flipping through, without asking because he’s Sirius, and then said, “This one sounds pretty good,” and then proceeded to read aloud. 

“In another life, I would be your girl. We'd keep all our promises. Be us against the world.” Sirius paused, “How is it supposed to go?”

Remus sighed and then grabbed his guitar from under a pile of clothes. The guitar was a bit broken, but it’s all Remus had so he started playing the next line and singing lowly.

In another life

I would make you stay

So I don't have to say you were

The one that got away

“It sounds great, Moony,” Sirius said softly. The nickname made Remus feel warm. “You should show it to James.” Sirius clearly had not picked up that the song was about him.

“Yeah, maybe,” Remus said. He didn’t want to show it to James on the off chance that he figured out who it was really about.

“No, don’t "maybe" me. It’s great, Remus!”

“We already have a lot of songs.”

“So we’ll make two albums!” There was something so feral about an impassioned Sirius. You can call him many things but you can’t call him apathetic.

“Do you think a lot of people will come to the show tomorrow?” Remus asked as a way to change the subject.

Sirius looked a little less bright but he considered Remus’ thoughts. “There has to be right? I mean, fifteen thousand fans?”

It sounded ridiculous to think that many people cared about his music. “Yeah, but fifteen thousand in a world of seven billion. And they’re all online, all scattered around. Who knows if they’ll actually show.”

“Always the optimist, Moony.”

“I have nothing against optimism,” Remus said. “It has just yet to do me any good.”

Sirius shook his head in a way that showed Remus that he was being unnecessarily broody. “How about this,” Sirius propositioned, “if less than 100 people show up, I owe you a favor. If more than 100 people show up, you owe me. Deal?” Sirius held out his hand as if it were a business deal.

“I’m not big on owing anyone anything,” Remus said.

“Yeah, but I’m not just anyone,” Sirius responded with a grin. Remus crossed his arms and hid his hands. “Come onnnnn, Moony. Nothing sinister, I promise.” 

Sirius Black was looking up at him with big doe eyes and a trusting smile. How could Remus say no to that? 

Remus rolled his eyes and shook his hand. At least there was the possibility that Sirius would owe him.

Unbeknownst to Remus, the Marauders Twitter account posted soon thereafter, “I just bet Remus that more than a hundred people would show up to tonight’s gig. Please help me win? - Sirius.”

-

From the minute they rolled up to the gig, they could tell the energy was different. Even though the doors didn’t open for another hour, it was almost impossible to find parking. The streets were pretty active as well despite Remus knowing for a fact that this part of town was normally dead.

“What the fuck is going on?” Remus asked as he peered out the windows.

“Maybe there’s a festival or something?” Peter suggested though he sounded like he didn’t believe it himself.

“A festival for what, exactly?” Sirius asked. “It’s the middle of January.”

“Let’s just find parking,” James said diplomatically.

They ended up finding parking quite a few streets over from the club, so they started unloading their instruments and amps on the street and were trying to figure out the best way to carry all this when a voice interrupted them.

“Ohmygod, I think it’s them.” It came from a young woman who was standing next to a boy about her age. They were staring at the Marauders. Remus had heard them, but he presumed they were talking about something else as the two friends whispered to each other back and forth.

But Remus realized that as they giggled and tried to slyly take photos, that they were staring right at them. Remus tried to ignore it. He was used to people staring, but something about this felt different.

“Excuse me,” the young woman said and the whole band turned to look at her. “Are you guys the Marauders?”

Instantly, they all relaxed. Peter looked practically ecstatic to be recognized while Sirius put on his charming persona. James took the lead and was using his half-professional half-band persona voice. “Yes, we are.”

The two of them looked at each other with absolute glee. “Ohmygod,” the boy said. “We love you guys. We haven’t stopped listening to the videos all day. Can we get a photo?”

James took this all in stride, “Yeah, of course. Gather round boys.” The four of them gathered next to the friends for a selfie. It all felt so strange to Remus; he was never a huge fan of having his photo taken, but nevertheless, he crowded into the frame.

“Where are you guys from?” James asked and listened as the fans babbled about their hometown and the drive up. James was nodding enthusiastically and asking all these follow-up questions.

Remus stood off to the side and watched. He wasn’t good at talking to strangers, not like James who seemed to always know what to ask, or Sirius who could turn on the charm and flirt with anything with legs. Even Peter found a way to anxiously insert his opinion.

As they all talked about the gig and music, Remus tapped on Sirius’ arm and whispered into his ear, “Maybe we could get their help bringing stuff back?” Remus really didn't want to take two trips.

Sirius gave him a private smile, “Smart man, Moony,” he whispered back. When Remus turned back to the conversation, the boy’s eyes were on them. Remus felt like he had been caught.

“Hey,” Sirius said to the group, “Do you think you could give us a hand?” 

Which is how Remus found himself walking next to the boy, Dylan, as he carried an amp down to the club. “So when did you get involved with the band?” Dylan asked him.

This was much easier - a one-on-one conversation Remus could manage. “Oh about a month or so ago.”

“Really? You guys seem much closer than that.” 

“Oh, well James, Sirius, and Peter all grew up with each other.”

“Yeah, but you as well.” Remus looked over at Dylan and saw him smile. Dylan was cute and clearly into him. If he was Sirius, maybe he would outwardly flirt or brush something out of his hair. But Remus wasn’t Sirius, so he just continued chatting like anyone else.

“When you spend all day practicing with them, I guess they start to rub off.” They continued walking and Remus realized how nice it was to talk to someone new. Sometimes the band and the bar could become all-consuming. “So, how’d you hear about this gig?”

“Oh, though Twitter!” Dylan said. “I saw Sirius’ tweet about the bet.”

Remus stopped walking and Dylan stopped next to him. “What tweet?”

“You didn’t see it?” Dylan pulled out his phone and showed him Sirius’ tweet.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Remus said as he stared at Dylan’s phone screen, and then continued walking.

Dylan laughed like Remus had said the funniest thing in the world. “So are you two a thing?”

“Me and Sirius?” Dylan nodded. “Nah. It’s not like that,” Remus said, feeling like it was a bit of a lie, but not sure why. “Not to mention, Sirius has a girlfriend.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that,” Dylan said. 

“Yeah. They’re…” If this was Lily, Remus would have no issue detailing Sirius and Mary's tumultuous relationship. But this was a fan and Remus was very aware that anything he said could end up on Twitter. “They’re intense,” Remus said finally, “He doesn’t shut up about her.”

“And what about you,” Dylan asked. “Do you have a girlfriend? boyfriend?”

Remus looked over at Dylan’s hopeful face. He didn’t know if he wanted to go home with Dylan tonight, but it was exciting to have the possibility. “No,” he said. “No boyfriend.”

Dylan just nodded with a smile on his face. They finally approached the club where they had to set up and Dylan placed the amp on the ground once they reached the rest of the band. “Well, find me after the show tonight, if you want,” Dylan said and then disappeared with his friend. As soon as they were around the corner, Remus could hear their excited whispers.

“Who was that?” James asked with a knowing smile.

Remus adjusted the strap of his bass, extremely aware of everyone’s, but in particular, Sirius’ eyes on him. “It was just Dylan. You met him.”

“Yeah, but not like you did,” James teased.

“Let’s just get set up,” Sirius said and they all followed him inside.

-

After they set up and did a short rehearsal on stage, they all went into the back room to get ready. The manager of the club had come up to them when they arrived and said that they were expecting the biggest crowd they had since AC/DC had played decades ago. 

After he said that, James had started doing push-ups in the center of the room to get the nerves out. Peter had gotten on the phone with Desdemona to tell her the good news. They’re cute , Remus thought as he watched Peter walk out into the back alley with the phone pressed to his ear.

Sirius came up to where Remus was sitting against the wall, “Want me to do your makeup again?”

“Yeah, sure,” Remus said and scooted so Sirius would have room next to him. Sirius sat down and started getting his eyeliner ready. Before Sirius could start, Remus reached out and touched the black studs in Sirius’ ears. Sirius went completely still under his touch. “They look good.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Sirius cleared his throat. “I’ve gotten used to sleeping in them so they don’t hurt now.”

“And you’re turning them?”

“Yeah,” Sirius said and then twisted them for good measure. For some reason, the tiny gesture made Remus smile, which was soon echoed on Sirius’ face. “Let’s get some eyeliner on you.”

It was easier now that Remus knew what to expect. It was still uncomfortable to have something so close to his eye, but he trusted Sirius. And he didn’t freak out as much under Sirius’ touch. In fact, it felt really, really nice.

“I heard about your tweet,” Remus said.

“Be still,” Sirius replied. “From Dylan?”

“Yeah.” Remus was trying to remain as frozen as possible. “He was nice.”

“He wants to fuck you,” Sirius said bluntly. Remus glanced down to read Sirius’ expression but he couldn’t. It was the same concentrated expression he wore whenever he was doing something difficult. “Look up,” Sirius said and then continued, “Are you going to?”

“Haven’t decided yet,” Remus responded which was the truth.

“Could be fun, sleeping with a fan.” Sirius had finally finished the eyeliner and he sat back.

“Maybe for you. I would be too worried about him posting about it later.”

“A legion of fanboys are somewhere out there crying,” Sirius joked.

“You’re one to talk. That girl couldn’t keep her eyes off you.”

“Yeah, too bad I’ve got Mary.”

“Where is Mary?” She seemed the type to only trust Sirius as far as she could throw him, and with Sirius’ track record, it wasn’t exactly unwarranted.

“She had a thing with her girl friends,” Sirius said. He didn’t seem to feel any sort of way about it.

“Too bad. I like Mary.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow, “Do you?”

Remus started fidgeting with the edge of his sweater. “Yeah, why wouldn’t I?”

Sirius just shrugged. If Remus was braver, he would’ve said something about the way Sirius treats Oliver, but Remus wasn’t looking for a fight.

Just then, James came and sat across from them. “Boys, I feel like we’re on the edge of something big.”

“Yeah, I think the crowd is going to be huge tonight,” Sirius said.

“How long until we go on?” Remus asked.

“A few minutes,” James said. “I should probably go find Peter, actually.” James stood back up but before he left, he said, “Let’s kill it tonight.”

-

The crowd was, in fact, huge. Bigger than Remus had ever seen at a club like this. They were packed in shoulder to shoulder in a way that felt like it was very much against fire code, all of them with phones in hand pounced to record. There must have been hundreds, all of them chanting, “Marauders, Marauders, Marauders.” 

As the boys walked out, they erupted into screams. Remus looked out at them in awe. All these people were here to hear him play. He gave them a smile and a little wave, which made them scream louder. Remus felt invincible.

James got on the mic, “Hello, we’re the Marauders!” Remus thought he might go deaf from the crowd. “We’re gonna play some songs for you.” James nodded to Sirius, and he started playing.

As the crowd jumped with the music, it was the best Remus could ever remember feeling.

-

Once the show ended, the Marauders had to wait until the place cleared out before they could leave. James had gotten off stage and immediately called his parents to tell them all about the show and the crowd. Peter had done the same, gone off to call his parents. Remus hadn’t heard much about Peter’s family but he got the impression that they were close.

Remus considered calling his dad, but his dad didn’t even know he was in this band. Nor did he want to struggle to speak more than a few words to him. He could call Oliver, but he would probably see him later this week anyways. Lily, perhaps? But even that felt wrong. They were old friends but not that close now.

In a moment, Remus was struck with a deep loneliness, the kind that always crept up in the most unexpected times, like when he was making himself breakfast in his shoebox apartment or when he realized it was a holiday and he had no one to celebrate it with.

“That was amazing, wasn’t it?” Sirius said as he sat down on the couch next to him.

Remus smiled. Two boys with no one to call. At least they had each other. “It was crazy. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“We don’t even have any music out,” Sirius said in awe. “Imagine what it will be like once everyone can listen.”

“It’s surreal.” Remus still had trouble believing that people wanted to listen to his music. 

“What are you gonna do when we get rich and famous?” It was the kind of question a kid would ask, but when Sirius said it, Remus wanted to believe it would come true.

“Move out of my apartment,” Remus said.

Sirius laughed, “Nooo, I love your apartment!”

“You love my apartment? Which part - the thin walls, the no heat, the lack of space?”

“Shut up, It’s cute. You have all your books and things. It’s very Moony.”

Moony meant cute? Remus didn’t want to dwell on it. “What will you do?” Remus asked.

“I will throw the biggest parties with every famous person in the world.” Sirius’ whole body was turned to face Remus. If Sirius let his arm fall onto the couch’s back, his hand would brush against Remus. 

“Very Jay Gatsby of you.” Sirius hummed in response. “Who’s your Daisy? Mary?”

“I already have Mary. Aren’t I supposed to have a green light?” Sirius was staring into Remus’ eyes. Remus became very aware of just how green his eyes were. 

“That book is supposed to be a rejection of mass wealth, not a celebration,” Remus pointed out.

Sirius sighed, “I want to pay back the Potters for all they’ve given me.”

“I don’t feel like Euphemia would accept.”

“No, probably not,” Sirius said and he ran a hand through his dark hair. “But I want to offer or take them on vacation somewhere pretty. Like Rome or Paris. Buy them a summer home.”

“I’ve never been out of the country,” Remus mused. “I feel like it would be nice.”

“You’ve never left the UK?” Sirius sounded shocked, but Remus didn’t know why. He knew Remus’ family was poor.

“Have you?”

“Yeah, my family had a summer home in Nice,” then Sirius stopped either because he felt guilty bringing up his wealth or he remembered that they weren’t really his family anymore.

Remus elected to politely ignore it. “So do you speak French?”

“Oui, c'était obligatoire dans ma famille,” he responded in a perfect French accent. It was unreasonably attractive. “It was mandatory education in my house.”

Remus always thought another language would be an asset but if the bitterness in Sirius’ voice meant anything, it sounded more like a burden. It was just another sign of his privileged family that he just couldn’t shake. “I took French in school,” Remus said, conversationally. “I was shit.”

“I can teach you sometime," Sirius offered gently.

Remus gave Sirius a smile, “Yeah, I would like that.”

James walked back into the room and Sirius instantly went back to facing out towards the room instead of Remus. “How’re the parents?” Sirius asked.

“Wonderful. They’re really proud of us.” Remus couldn’t tell if this “us” meant him and Sirius or the Marauders in general. Either way, James had a wild grin. “I talked to the bar manager, he said there were over 400 people here tonight.”

“That’s incredible,” Remus said.

“I know!” James responded. “I have to go call Marlene.” Remus wanted to warn him about calling her this late at night but he was already gone.

“Now you owe me,” Sirius said with a sly grin.

Remus groaned, “You totally cheated sending out that tweet!”

“You never said I couldn’t ask people to come.” Sirius was much too proud of himself.

Remus rolled his eyes. He would be mad about losing, but he was still so stunned by the numbers. “You win this round.”

“Are you asking for a rematch, Mr. Lupin?” Sirius’ eyes glimmered with mischief.

“Yes I am, Mr. Black,” Remus said, matching his tone. They leaned into each other like they were conspiring for some wicked plan.

Peter walked in and saw them, “Oh no. The two of you looking like that is never good.”

“Looking like what?” Sirius asked innocently.

“Like two villains from a bad children’s cartoon.”

Sirius threw his hand over his chest, “You wound me, Wormtail. Remus and I have nothing but the purest intentions at heart.” Sirius gave Remus a wink.

Peter shook his head, “I don’t believe it for a second, partners in crime, you two.”

Remus liked that, partners in crime .

James walked back in, “Alright boys. It’s starting to really clear out. Ready to go?”

They all nodded in agreement and started collecting their things. James came up to Remus individually, “Hey, that Dylan kid is still waiting for you. What do you want me to say?”

Remus looked over at where Sirius was packing up his things. Sirius’ dark fell over his face so he pulled it up into a ponytail and stuck a drumstick through it. Remus knew in an instant that the choice would always be like this - the opportunity of some boy or the idea of Sirius - and he knew what his answer would always be.

“I think I’m just going to go home with the band. We should all go celebrate the great show.” 

James nodded, patted Remus on the shoulder, and then went out, presumably to tell Dylan that Remus wasn’t coming.

From across the room, Sirius tossed Remus his songwriting notebook, “We can’t have you forgetting that. Where would we get all our best songs?” 

Remus gratefully caught it and gave the other boy a smile. His answer would be Sirius, every time.

Notes:

alternative title for this could be "all musicians are assholes."

here's my tumblr! come say hello!

also i used google translate for the french, let me know if it's wrong!!

edit - thank you to anyonelsebutyou for the french help!

Chapter 6: single released

Notes:

Songs in this chapter:

Partners in Crime by Finneas

After the show, no one wanted to go home; so instead, they threw an impromptu party at the Potter/Black flat. Remus had to drop some things off at his apartment first so the party was in full swing by the time he arrived. 

There weren’t many people there, just the band, Mary, and Desdemona, but in the flat’s small living room, it was more than enough to feel cozy. The lights had been dimmed and someone’s cell phone was playing distant music that could barely be heard over the drunk chatter. 

They all cheered when Remus walked in and James rose to get him a beer. As they walked into the kitchen, James handed him a drink, but he didn’t move to go back into the main room. He looked like he was working up to say something.

“Quite a show tonight,” Remus said as he sipped his drink.

“Yeah, yeah,” James said but his mind was elsewhere.

“What’s up with you?” Remus said it casually, but he was a bit concerned about how distracted James was.

“Do you think you could…” James started but then stopped himself, “Nevermind it’s a dumb idea.”

James tried to push past him but Remus reached out a hand to stop him, “James, what?”

“Do you think you could invite Lily? I mean only if you want to. If you don’t I completely understand, I just thought it might be nice to hang out with her. It’s a bit late but -”

“James,” Remus cut off his rambling and forced James to look at him. “I’ll totally invite Lily.”

James’ face broke out into a smile, “Thanks, mate. You’re the best.” James went back into the living room and Remus pulled out his phone to call Lily.

She picked up on the fourth ring, “Hey, Remus. What’s up?” She sounded tired but not like she had been sleeping.

“Hey Lils, are you free right now?”

“Am I free at 1 am?” Lily asked. “I’m almost scared to say yes.”

“Don’t worry, nothing sinister,” Remus chuckled. “The band and I are just hanging out. We just had this really great gig. There were like 400 people there.”

“That’s amazing, Remus.”

“Yeah, thank you, Lily.” Her opinion seemed to matter more to him than he thought it would. “So we’re celebrating at James’ flat. I was wondering if you wanted to come over?”

“You want me to come over to James’ house at 1 am?”

“Yeah, I know it’s strange -”

“I’ll do it,” she cut him off. “Send me the address.”

When Remus walked back into the living room and told them the good news, James literally stood up and shook Remus’ hand.

“You’re a good man, Moony,” he said. “Remind me to make you best man at the wedding.”

“Hey!” Sirius said from where he was sitting with Mary on the couch, “I’ve had that reserved for half a decade.”

James turned, “Yet I’ve known Remus for a month and he’s already gotten me a better chance with Lily than you have in all those years.”

Remus put his hands up in surrender, “I’m not playing matchmaker. I just want to hang out with Lily and if James enjoys her company too, then I am not going to complain.”

Remus went to sit in the armchair next to the couch. Mary and Sirius were on one end while Peter and Desdemona were on the other, completely engrossed in their own conversation. James had no issue sitting in between the two couples, which Remus was grateful for.

“So Remus,” Mary said. “Sirius tells me you’re the genius behind the songs.”

Remus always felt a little strange talking to Mary. Did she know the way her boyfriend acted around him when she wasn’t around? “Yeah. I mean James has written a few.”

“Oh no,” James said. “All our best songs are you.”

Remus looked down into his drink. He never knew how to take a compliment. 

“So, where do you get inspiration from?” Mary asked. She sounded genuinely interested and Remus thought that under different circumstances, they could’ve been quite close.

“Oh, you know. Past relationships and crushes,” Remus caught Sirius’ gaze for just a moment too long. "That kind of thing."

“He has this notebook,” Sirius said to Mary. “It’s filled with all these great song ideas. I’m sure in ten years, it’ll be worth millions on the black market.”

Mary looked between the two of them with an unreadable expression. Remus was hoping he could pass his blush off as just a side effect of the alcohol. He downed the rest of his drink and looked to James, “Mind if I grab another?”

“Go ahead,” James said. Remus stood up and the conversation behind him devolved into talk about some girl at Mary’s job. 

Remus grabbed another drink and he was about to go rejoin the party, but some part of him was holding him back. He didn’t know why, but he felt a strong urge to call Oliver.

“Remus, are you okay?” Oliver asked as soon as it connected. Remus winced. He forgot it was 1 am. He had definitely woken him up.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. It was just something stupid. Go back to bed. Sorry.”

“Well, I’m awake now, loves. Might as well tell me what’s on your mind.”

Remus sighed and gathered up his courage, “Tell me I shouldn’t pursue this,” Remus whispered.

“Drummer boy?” 

“Yeah,” Remus breathed out. “I mean he has a girlfriend. He’s always sleeping around with girls. He’s straight.” 

“But?” Oliver asked.

“But…” Remus let out a long breath. “I mean, the way he looks at me sometimes. There’s something there. I know it.” From the living room, the sound of laughter drifted into the kitchen. Remus could perfectly pick out Sirius’ voice.

“Oh, Remus. When will you stop breaking your own heart?”

“Am I stupid for thinking all this?”

“Of course not, babes. Everyone’s stupid when it comes to love.” Love, Remus thought, is that what this is? “For what it's worth, I don’t think you’re the only one that notices something there, but what can you do about it? You said it yourself, he has a girlfriend.”

“And he’s straight," Remus complained.

“Well, I don’t believe that for a second and neither do you, but we all have our own time. You can’t rush something like this. You know that.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“If it’s meant to work out, it will,” Oliver said. “But don’t wait around for something that may never come.”

“Yeah, thanks Oliver,” Remus said, knowing that some part of him would wait forever. Just then, Sirius walked into the kitchen. “Look, Oli, I gotta go. Thanks for talking with me.”

“Love you, babes. Don’t do anything you’d regret.”

“Love you too. Get some rest,” Remus said into the phone.

“I will if some idiot doesn’t stop calling me," Oliver joked and hung up.

Sirius got himself a drink and raised an eyebrow at Remus, a question on his face.

“I was just talking to Oliver,” Remus said and Sirius nodded. It felt like there was something more to be said, but Remus didn’t know what. “You want to go smoke?” Remus asked.

“Yeah, alright,” Sirius said and grabbed his jacket off the counter.

They headed out the front door, but instead of going down to the street, Sirius lead them up to the roof. The night air was chilly and the never-ending sounds of the city danced around them. The view was beautiful. The building itself wasn’t very tall, but just being off the ground completely transformed the atmosphere. 

Remus pulled out a cigarette for Sirius and one for himself. He pulled out his lighter and lit up their faces in its warm orange glow as he lit their cigarettes. Sirius' face looked just as beautiful as it did the night they met.

They didn’t speak for the first few minutes. They just stood side by side in perfect comfortability as they leaned against the roof’s ledge. For just a moment, it felt like there was a symphony to the universe and the two of them were a part of it.

“Hey,” Sirius said as he hit Remus’ shoulder lightly and gestured up towards the sky. “Full moon.”

Remus smiled. “Better watch out. Werewolves are deadly creatures, you know.”

Sirius was staring at Remus’ profile and Remus was feeling just dangerous enough to stare back. “That wouldn’t stop me,” Sirius said. “I run into danger headfirst.”

“That’s quite reckless of you, Mr. Black.”

“Or quite loyal, Mr. Lupin,” Sirius responded. He took a drag. “Knowing me, I’d probably find a way to run alongside you.”

They were standing quite close to each other. If Remus moved his hand just a few inches, they would be touching. “You would get hurt,” Remus said.

Sirius raised a hand and lightly traced a scar on Remus’ chin and for some reason, Remus let him. “Well, getting hurt in service of a friend. Sounds like a noble cause indeed.” 

“Not sure it would be worth it,” Remus whispered and he knew they weren't talking about werewolves anymore.

“For you?” Sirius said, “I would do anything.”

And because Remus was drunk and because Sirius still had his hand on Remus’ cheek, he leaned in, just enough to be in Sirius’ space, but not enough to close the distance between them.

He has to want this too , Remus' mind was telling him. Sirius’ icy blue eyes were staring into Remus’ muted green ones. Sirius leaned in too, just enough for Remus to know he was right but not enough for their lips to meet. 

Then Sirius stepped back and dropped the hand from Remus’ face. Sirius looked like he might say something for a moment, his eyes wide and his expression vulnerable. But he just turned back to face the street and closed himself off.

Remus wanted to scream in his face. He wanted to punch him in the gut. He wanted to grab Sirius’ face and press their lips together so hard that Sirius would forget his own name. 

But he did none of that. Remus simply turned back to the street and they finished their cigarettes in silence.

-

When they returned down to the party, Lily had arrived. Seeing Remus, she got up and gave him a hug but then immediately pushed him away, "Remus Lupin, I will shred every cigarette you own."

Remus shrugged, "Sorry Lils, if I could quit I would."

"Yeah, you both fucking stink," Mary said. Her face was flushed by the alcohol and she clung to Sirius like he was the most comfortable thing in the world. Remus wanted to know how it felt to be pressed up to Sirius like that. He wanted free reign to touch Sirius so casually and not have anyone think twice.

But Remus couldn’t know those things, so he turned his attention back to Lily and asked her a million questions about her life and work. James had joined their conversation some time through and the two of them hit it off like fireworks. James really could be a great listener and Lily started leaning closer and closer to him without realizing it.

Remus kept stealing glances at Sirius, but he never looked his way. Instead, he was talking to Mary and for once, they didn’t seem to be fighting. They could really work when they wanted to and for some reason, that hurt Remus even more.

“Ohmygod,” James said out of nowhere. “I just realized that it is past midnight. The single is out.”

Everyone in the room soon erupted in cheers, and despite Remus’ sullen mood, he still managed a smile. His first single was out for all the world to hear.

James got on his phone and searched through Twitter with Lily looking over his shoulder. They were cute, Remus thought, but then he looked around the room and realized everyone else was doing the same - looking through social media with their partners.

With neither a partner nor a phone nice enough to even have Twitter, Remus took down a guitar from the wall and started strumming. He could feel lyrics circling in his brain so he brought out his notebook and started writing down a few lines.

And when the cops broke down our door

And held us both against our floor

Did we look like lovers or partners in crime?

It was what Peter had called him and Sirius earlier at the show. That felt like worlds away. Remus jotted down a final line to rhyme to the stanza.

Did you look like mine?

-

Friday morning, Remus woke up with a crick in his spine. Normally he was so good about getting back to his own home, or at the very least a bed, but by the time Remus wanted to go, the trains had stopped service, hence sleeping in the Potter/Black living room. Next to him was Lily, who had wrapped herself in a very nice comforter and slept on the couch.

As he started to stand up and stretch, James’ bedroom door swung open. He had wet hair from a shower and was already wearing jeans and a jumper. “Good morning, Remus,” he said, much too cheery.

Remus just gave him a sleepy wave, “What time is it?’

“11 am,” James responded. “I must say, you really sleep in. I’ve already taken my morning run and gotten started on some laundry.”

Of course, James thought 11 was late. For Remus, this was a perfectly reasonable time to wake up.

“Would you like some breakfast?” James asked. “I was thinking of making some eggs.”

Remus wrapped his blanket around himself and sat down at the kitchen table, “Eggs sound great, cheers.”

As James made the eggs, he caught Remus up on his morning run including the few eccentric characters he saw on his run. Just as he was describing an old woman and her rabid dogs, Sirius appeared.

“He isn’t going on about the Labradoodles again, is he?” Sirius said sleepily from his doorway. He had clearly just woken up as his hair was an absolute mess and he was wearing plaid pajama bands and a ratty t-shirt. It was a whole different kind of attractive that Remus didn’t know Sirius had.

“They’re crazy, I’m telling you,” James said. “One day they’re friendly, the next, they’re the spawn of Satan.”

Sirius shook his head and dragged himself into the kitchen. “Tea, Remus?” he asked as he was opening some cabinets.

“That’d be great, thanks.”

“I’d like some too,” Mary appeared from Sirius’ bedroom. Remus didn’t know why the sight shocked him. He knew they were dating. It made sense that they slept together too. She moved to sit down at the table next to Remus.

“Where’s Peter and Desdemona?” Remus asked.

“They went back last night around 3 or so,” James said. “They don’t like to sleep over much.”

Just then, noises started coming from where Lily was slowly waking up.

“What was that, Lils?” Remus asked.

“Go back to bed. It’s way too early,” she grumbled and then put her head back down on the pillow. James just laughed in response.

Sirius sat down three mugs at the table which they all sipped in comfortable silence. Remus always liked mornings, he was just rarely awake to see them. It felt like all the traumas of the night could be washed away with a mug of tea and early morning sun.

Sirius and Mary were both on their phones, but every so often they would look up at each other and give each other a soft smile. Remus looked away. Not for the first time, he wished he could afford a smartphone just so he could have a distraction.

“How is the song doing?” Remus asked.

“The numbers look great!” James shouted from the kitchen. “I’ve been refreshing them on my laptop every ten minutes.”

“Twitter is liking it,” Sirius said. “I mean nothing crazy, but we’ve gotten quite a few posts about people listening to it. I’m responding to some of the funnier ones.”

“Keep it professional!” James shouted.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Sirius shouted back.

“Christopher Barley made a post,” Mary said and handed her phone over to Remus to look at. It was the same photo from the meeting, but Remus’ breath still caught when he looked at it. He didn’t have a lot of photos from that time so it was rare that he got to glimpse at one.

The caption below it read, “So proud of my friend Remus Lupin for his new single Snow. I always knew he would go onto big things ♡”

Remus slid the phone back to Mary, “Have Chris’ fans started speculating yet?”

Sirius paused as if trying to figure out how to say it delicately but Mary jumped right in, “Oh yeah. There’s like a thousand tweets about the photo alone.”

“Maybe we’ll start trending,” James said. He had come into the room with a dish of scrambled eggs and a set of plates for everyone.

Well, it’ll take the attention off me and Sirius, Remus thought to himself. “Can I see some of the tweets?” Remus asked and Sirius handed him his phone.

Most of them were dissections of the lyrics and speculating about their relationship.

“@barleybabes: ‘Summer's over, love had left him screaming at the screen / Oh, and it's understood, that the both of us are no good.’ that has to be about chris, i know it.”

“@runaways: this is a gay song. like ‘skeletons, skeletons, what do we have here / hiding from the mirror’ hiding from yourself??? sounds like the closet to me”

A reply to that tweet “@leybar: not to mention all that father stuff? gay people have terrible relationships with their parents”

A third person under that, “@marauding: yeah i mean everyone knows him and sirius are a thing so chris and him were probably together.”

Remus had seen enough. He handed the phone back to Sirius. He hated being dissected like this. It all felt so personal. He hated even more that he knew Sirius was reading it.

“What are we saying on our Twitter?” Remus asked the table.

“We just thanked Christopher Barley for posting that,” James said. “And we confirmed that you were the sole writer on the song.”

Remus nodded and silently ate his eggs. The conversation turned to the news and the plans for the day, but Remus didn’t join in. They had another show tonight but honestly, Remus wanted some rest. He was glad that he didn’t have to work today at least.

Sirius tapped his fork against Remus’ hand and Remus looked over at him. “Are you good?” Sirius asked him subtly. James and Mary were involved in their own conversation and were paying no attention to them.

“I’m fine. It’s just a lot, you know,” Remus replied. “I know we planned for this, but it feels very different to be in it.

“Good different or bad different?”

Remus just shrugged, “I’m just not used to people caring what I say or do.”

“Well, get used to it, Moony,” Sirius said with a smile. “Soon the whole world is going to know what a genius you are.” Sometimes Sirius knew just what to say to make Remus feel like it was all going to be alright.

From behind them, Lily had finally woken up and gotten off the couch. “Please tell me that is eggs. I am starving.”

“Yeah, it is,” James said quickly. “There’s some here or I can make you more if you want or I can -”

Lily just waved him off, “I can just have these.”

“Let me show you where the plates are,” James said and she followed him into the kitchen. Sirius and Remus shared a knowing look. James turned into an absolute puppy dog around Lily.

Remus glanced back at Mary and her eyes were trained on the two of them as they always seemed to be. Remus almost wanted to ask her why, but he knew what she suspected and he was more than scared to see what she would do about it. 

“So do you have any plans for the day, Remus?” Mary asked.

“Nah, just errands. Laundry, cleaning, all that.”

“Remus having a clean flat? I’d pay to see that,” Sirius said.

Remus ignored him. “What about you Mary? You have plans?”

“Yeah, actually. Sirius and I are gonna go to The British Museum this afternoon.”

“That sounds lovely,” Remus said. “I love that museum.”  That was one nice part about living in one of the most expensive cities in the world. The museums were free, and when Remus would have a day off, he would spend an entire day wandering around the museums. He’d probably been to the British Museum a dozen times.

Lily and James walked back into the room with Lily having acquired a full plate of food. “What about you, Lily, any plans?”

“No,” she said with a yawn and then turned to James. “Well, did you still want to get lunch?”

Sirius looked like his eyes were going to pop out of his head.

“Yeah, sure.” James was clearly trying to be as nonchalant as possible.

“Well, in that case, I better change. Mary, would you walk me home after breakfast?”

“Of course,” Mary responded with a knowing smile. 

It sounded like a date if Remus had ever heard one. Sirius looked like he wanted to ask a million questions, but Mary must have kicked him under the table because he just stared into his mug of tea.

“Well, I should probably get started on my day then,” Remus said. All the talk of plans made him realize that he was going to have to start the walk home at some point. “Thank you for the party. It was nice.”

“Of course,” James said. “We should do it more often.” Remus waved goodbye and started the journey home.

-

James picked Remus up for the show that night. It was their last gig before Phoenix Records started arranging a tour for them, presumably in nicer places than this. It felt weirdly nostalgic to feel like one chapter of his life was ending but a new, more exciting one was beginning.

Remus climbed into the car and gratefully accepted the gum already extended in Sirius’ hand. 

“You cut your hair,” Sirius said. He was frozen staring at Remus’ head.

“Yeah, it was getting a little shaggy,” Remus said but Sirius continued staring.

“Like just now? Who did it for you?”

“No one. I cut it myself,” Remus ran a hand through his hair as if it would stop Sirius' stares. It was quickly making him self-conscious.

“How’d you manage that?”

“Scissors, a mirror, practice.” Remus’ mom used to cut his hair all the time and when she started getting sick, she taught him how to do it himself. It never looked great. You really do need another person to clean it up for you, but Oliver was busy this afternoon so Remus just hoped he did well.

"Next time call me," Sirius said. "I'll come to help you."

"You had the museum date with Mary."

“Leave Remus alone, mate,” James said to Sirius. “His hair looks good.”

“Never said it didn’t,” Sirius muttered under his breath and turned back around. Remus was really regretting not bringing a hat.

When they finally arrived at the club (much earlier than they normally would but they didn’t want to have to park a half-mile away again), they started unloading their stuff onto the curb. 

As Remus was bending over to unload an amp, he felt a hand through his hair. Remus almost jumped out of his skin, but when he stood up it was just Sirius, “A warning, Padfoot.”

Sirius’ face broke out in that crazy grin it always did when Remus called him by his nickname. “It looks nice. You did a good job.”

“Thanks.” Remus messed with his hair self-consciously, pushing it this way and that. Sirius tutted and gently fixed Remus’ hair. His fingers were warm and comforting as he set Remus’ hair.

“Don’t mess with it too much,” Sirius reprimanded. “Casual chaos is supposed to be my thing.”

As Sirius turned back to bring more things out of the trunk, Remus couldn’t help but think it was a perfectly apt description of him.

They headed into the venue, which was the same kind of dive bar they always played at but for once, it felt almost charming. Things felt very different for Remus all of a sudden, like this, would be the last time he might play in a place this shitty. There were no stakes in a place like this. You could scream into the void and the only thing you would hear is your own echo.

After setting up and practicing, they still had over an hour before the show was set to start. Everyone was finding a way to keep themselves occupied - Peter doing work on his laptop, Remus was strumming his guitar and writing lyrics in his journal, and James texting on his phone (probably Lily if the smile on his face was anything to go by.) But Sirius was restless. He kept standing up and sitting down and pacing the room.

Finally, Remus spoke up, “Sirius sit down, you’re making me nervous.”

He huffed and sat down on the couch next to Remus. He was quiet for a moment but it didn’t last long. “Moony, I’m bored,” he whined.

“Read something,” Remus said. It’s the same advice his mom always gave him as a kid.

“I don’t have a book.”

Remus sighed and put his guitar to the side and pulled up his bag. He searched around until he found the tattered copy of Maurice that he was reading.

Sirius took it from his hands and then turned to lie down on the couch. Without asking, he put his head in Remus’ lap and began to read.

Remus tried not to freak, only with moderate success. Sirius had effectively made it impossible to play guitar so Remus didn’t have much to distract him from the way Sirius’ face looked at this angle - so beautiful and elegant against Remus' ragged jeans. 

“Can I braid your hair?” Remus asked. He desperately needed something to do with his hands.

“Go ahead,” Sirius mumbled as he turned the page. Remus took a few sections of hair and started loosely braiding them together just as Lily taught him to when they were growing up. Every so often, Remus would run his hands through the braid and then start all over again. It was calming and judging by Sirius’ lack of anxious fidgeting, he liked it too.

Eventually, Sirius put the book down and started going on Twitter. Remus looked over at the screen. Sirius was going through the mentions of the Marauder's account. There was much more than they had this morning. Some of them were very sweet, some of them less so. A lot were Christopher’s fans trashing Remus.

“Mary was right,” Remus said. “They do hate me.”

Sirius looked up at him, long eyelashes against bright blue eyes. “They don’t know you yet.”

“Tell that to the person who just said,” Remus took the phone out of Sirius’ hands and began to read, “‘Fuck that Remus Lupin scarface motherfucker. I hope he steps in a puddle with socks on.’” Sirius’ jaw tensed but Remus just gave him an amused smile. “Well, they certainly are creative.”

Sirius took his phone back and he was looking up at Remus with absolute fire in his eyes, “Fuck them. They’re all assholes and Christopher Barley is an asshole for not stopping them.”

“Sirius…” Remus began to say but Sirius cut him off.

“No, Moony. You’re crazy talented and a better person than the whole lot of them. I have half the nerve to respond fuck you to everyone single one of them.”

“Do not do that,” James' voice said from across the room. Remus wasn’t aware he had even been listening. When he was around Sirius, Remus tended to forget other people were in the room.

“They’re being dicks to Moony!” Sirius yelled back.

“Remus doesn’t seem to have much problem with it,” James said, which was correct. Remus had been called much worse in his life.

Remus ran a hand through Sirius’ hair to calm him down. “Honestly, Padfoot. I don’t care what people say about me on the internet. I never even see it.”

Sirius reached up and traced a scar that poked out of Remus' collar. "I just wish they could see you the way I do," he whispered and returned to his book.

Moments passed in silence but Remus' mind was going 50 meters a minute. This is what dating Sirius would be like - hands in his hair, casual caresses, reading Remus' books, and occasionally looking up at him like he was the most beautiful thing in the room. If only it could be like this forever.

But it couldn't and Remus knew that. In the meantime, he would take what he could get.

Not long after, Mary and Lily came into the room. They instantly spotted the two of them on the couch - Mary looked pissed and Lily simply raised an eyebrow. Remus removed his hand from where it lay it Sirius’ hair.

“Hello Mary, Lily,” Remus said. This got Sirius’ attention. He didn’t sit up but he did turn to look at them. Lily simply waved and went to talk to James. (He needed to talk to Lily about that).

Mary donned a smile that looked so sharp that it was ready to cut someone’s throat. “Hello Remus,” she said sweetly, “Sirius,” she said significantly less so.

“Oh hey babes,” Sirius said lazily. “I guess that means the show will start soon.” Sirius sat up and looked at Remus, “Do you want me to do your eyeliner?”

“Oh, I can do that, babes,” Mary said. She was angry but in the way girls are angry - all harsh tones and looks that could cut glass.

“It’s okay,” Sirius said, “I really don’t mind.”

“No, no. You were telling me earlier that you needed to practice with James. You should do that.” James looked up at the mention of his name and quickly looked back down, not wanting any part of this.

“And I have to do everything you say?” Sirius asked, turning pissed like the flick of a switch.

“Not unless you want to sound like shit,” Mary replied. Remus suddenly felt like he should not be here witnessing this, but he also felt that moving would only make things worse.

“Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You never practice enough anyways.”

“Don’t tell me how to run my band.”

“There won’t be a band with the way you’ve been acting.”

Sirius stood up, “I can’t even be around you right now,” he said and then stormed off. James looked like he might follow him, but went back to talking with Lily.

Mary, seemingly satisfied with herself, sat down across from Remus. “Sorry, you had to see that. He can be so dramatic sometimes.” Her tone was deceivingly light and friendly.

“Yeah, you know Sirius,” Remus said. He didn't quite trust where this conversation was going.

“Mmmm, I think I do,” Mary said, “but I’m not sure. Maybe you can enlighten me.” Mary leaned in with the eyeliner. She held it like a weapon.

“What do you want to know?” Remus asked, trying to be careful to both not upset Mary nor have her slip and push the pencil into his eye. 

“Is he gay?” Mary asked. She said it casually like she was asking when his birthday was, but Remus knew when he was walking into a trap. He had witnessed enough of his parent's kitchen table fights to know how to handle a. Be calm. Don't disagree. Don't tell a lie.

“I’m not sure, bi, maybe,” Remus said. “Does it matter?”

“No, no,” Mary said. “It’s just sometimes… You get a feeling, you know?”

“A feeling?”

Mary put down the eyeliner for a moment and Remus was looking straight into her fiery eyes. He could see what Sirius saw - she was quite beautiful and certainly fierce, but that only intimated Remus more.

“Sometimes, the way he looks at you, Remus, or talks about you? It gives me pause.” She continued applying eyeliner, staying silent for a moment as if reflecting on what she just said. Remus stayed silent too. "Do you agree?" she asked.

"I'm not sure what you mean," Remus stuttered. "We're friends."

She pulled away from his face quickly. “Look, Remus. I like you. I think you’re cool but you need to tell me if something is going on between the two of you.” She sounded much more tired than she had a moment earlier. “I won’t be mad at you, but I can’t go on like this if he’s seeing someone behind my back.”

Remus’ heart almost broke. Mary really did like Sirius and Remus knew that despite all the moments between them, Sirius was not his. He should stop acting as if he could be. 

“We’re not a thing, Mary. I promise,” Remus said and tried to keep the melancholy out of his voice. “And I’d let you know if he ever tried anything. I've got your back.” 

Mary’s face softened and she gave him a small smile, “Thank you, Remus.” She pulled him into a hug and Remus realized that he actually liked Mary quite a lot. 

-

The show went well, crazy well. The crowd wasn’t as big as yesterday’s but it was still at least three hundred people. Remus couldn’t believe it as they all hung on James’ every word and jumped to Sirius’ beat. The energy was absolutely electric. It felt like for just one moment, they were all a part of one singular family and Remus never wanted it to end.

As he walked off stage, he knew he would never be a part of a band as great as the Marauders ever again and he knew that he would never leave. As long as they would have him, he would stay.

They didn’t party after, everyone was still exhausted from last night. Sirius and Mary had made up if the way they made out for five whole minutes after the show was any indication. Remus made the decision in his mind to be happy for them. He needed to stay away from Sirius anyway.

When they all walked out of the club, there was a group of people waiting outside the stage door that burst into excited whispers when the band walked out.

“Hey, could we get a photo?” a girl asked. The band happily obliged as a series of selfies was taken with the girls outside. Remus stood off slightly to the side as the rest of the band answered their excited questions about music and s gushed about how great their new song was and how Christopher Barley’s fans were just awful.

“They’re being terrible to you, Remus,” one girl said. Remus was surprised that anyone wanted to speak to him much less defend him.

“Oh, they’re just passionate,” Remus said lightly. “I’m glad they enjoy Chris’ music.”

“Did you really know Christopher Barley? Are his songs actually about you?” Another girl asked.

Remus shifted his feet, “I knew him before he was making music, so I’m not sure who they’re about. If they are about me, that would be an honor. He’s a great musician.” It was a politician's answer. Remus knew damn well those songs were about him.

“How did you get those scars?” one of the boys in the group asked. 

Remus felt the air shift around them. One glance at Sirius’ face told him that he was ready to chew out these 17-year-olds, but Remus just smiled goodnaturedly. “I was bitten by a werewolf.”

The group laughed nervously. Sirius looked at them as if daring them to ask any more questions. They all went back to chattering about the set and thankfully for Remus, they left him alone until they eventually walked away.

As soon as they were gone, Sirius was pissed. “They have no right to ask you questions like that.”

“Relax, pads. I get it all the time.”

“But those were fans! They should be more respectful.”

"It's really fine."

"No, it's not!"

A surge of anger came over Remus and he grabbed Sirius’ arm so he would stop walking. “Look, Sirius. I really do get this shit all the time. I’m not going to shatter into a million pieces. I don’t need you to defend me.”

“Well, maybe I want to,” Sirius responded righteously.

“It's not your problem,” Remus shot back. "I’ve had to deal with this long before I met you and I will have to deal with it long after. I’ve made my peace with it. You should make yours.”

Remus went to walk away but this time it was Sirius' turn to grab his arm.

“I just don’t want you to get hurt,” Sirius said quietly. He let go and started walking back to the car. Remus stood there and watched him go. Every time Remus tried to put distance between them, Sirius finds a way to crawl back into his heart all over again.

-

The next morning, Remus awoke to a banging at his door. Likely just the landlord coming to bitch at him again, Remus decided to act like no one was home and go right back to being asleep.

“Remus John Lupin, you let me in!” Came Sirius’ voice from behind the front door. Remus rolled his eyes and begrudgingly got out of bed.

Remus swung open the door and let Sirius come stomping in, “Fight with Mary again?”

“What?” Sirius said as he stood in the walkway. “No. I mean, yeah we did, but that’s not why I’m here.”

“Right,” Remus said in disbelief. He fell onto his bed and got back under the covers. 

“Have you been on Twitter?”

“You know I haven’t,” Remus grumbled. Wasn't he supposed to be distancing himself from Sirius? He had half the mind to text Mary and let her deal with Sirius' latest outrage.

Sirius was trying to pace in the flat but there wasn’t much free space so he was really just taking three steps, turning around, and then taking another three steps. “Well, we’re really blowing up. Like we have 60 thousand new followers in one day.” There were dark circles under his eyes and his hair was an absolute mess.

“Sirius, have you slept?” His voice was somewhere between concerned and amused.

Sirius just brushed past his question. “So I guess Christopher Barley wanted to take advantage of our fame.”

Remus sat up in bed, finally accepting that he wasn’t going to get any more sleep. “We’re only getting fame because of him,” Remus said forcefully. “Honestly, Sirius, I don’t get what your problem is.”

“I’m getting to my problem!” Sirius paused and took a deep breath. His hand was shaking. He really didn't look well.

“Sirius, what is wrong?”

“Christopher, that dick, wrote a new song. It’s coming out in a week.”

“Good for him,” Remus said.

“Moony, it’s called Scars.”

Remus’ blood ran cold. “What.”

Sirius took out his phone and pulled out the tweet. “@ChristopherBarley: So excited to release the new single Scars that I’ve been working on. It comes out Thursday at 9 pm! Pre-download now!”

Below was a photo of the cover art. It was a seemingly innocuous photo of a white sheet with large slashes in it. What Remus and Sirius both knew were the matching slashes on Remus’ chest.

“Fuck,” Remus said and laid back down. He reached above him for his pack of cigarettes and lit one up. Sirius climbed onto the bed and laid down next to him. (Remus was much too upset to protest about setting boundaries right now). Remus passed the cigarette. Sirius took a long drag and passed it back.

“Why did you and Mary fight?” Remus said after a long silence.

“Does it matter?”

“Please, Padfoot. I need a distraction.”

Sirius sighed. “She’s pissed that I spend so much time with you.”

“Oh,” is all Remus said.

“Yeah,” Sirius responded and blew out a puff of smoke. “It’s whatever.”

“Yet you still came here.” Remus knew he was entering into dangerous territory but he was too busy thinking about Chris to care.

Sirius turned and smiled, “Well, I knew you’d want to know.”

“Thank you,” Remus said softly. He had already burned through one cigarette so he lit another, lung damaged be damned.

“What are you gonna do?” Sirius asked after a while.

“I don’t know. Text Chris probably.”

“And say what?”

“‘What the fuck,’” Remus took a drag of his cigarette. “I should probably text Oliver if he doesn’t already know. He hates Chris more than anyone.”

“Oliver has good taste,” Sirius said. “You know, if James was here, he’d probably tell you to call Marlene or Dorcas and get their opinion on how to handle this."

"Ugh, that's so boring."

"Probably the right thing to do," Sirius said noncommittally.

"Probably," Remus replied with no enthusiasm.

Sirius turned to him and gave him a wild look, "Where's the fun in that?"

Remus loved it when he was like this. "What would you suggest, Mr. Black?"

"Only the best of responses, Mr. Lupin. Write a song so good it destroys anything he has to say about you. Write a song that in ten years, no one will even remember his name.”

Even the idea felt electric. “Will you help me?”

Sirius' face transformed into a wide grin, “Moony, it would be my honor.”

Notes:

a reminder that smoking is very bad and you should not do it

i wrote this chapter in like two days lmao. anyway i should redo the description and chapter titles for this fic

lilly, if you read this please leave me a hate comment ♡

-

my tumblr come say hi or leave suggestions!

Chapter 7: i know what you did, i lived it myself

Notes:

songs in this chapter:

Bedside by Ellen Winter
This is Gospel by Panic! at the Disco
Interlude: I'm Not Angry Anymore by Paramore

Remus did not text Chris. He didn’t text him when the song was announced. He wouldn’t text him when the song was released either. He would let the music speak for itself.

The next two weeks were filled with meeting upon meeting at Phoenix Records. There was a lot to be worked out for the new album. Touring locations, target demographics, marketing, dividends, lawyers. It was absolutely mind-numbing to sit through but also extremely exciting. Remus must have shaken dozens of corporate hands and every time he thought of all the other artists who’ve made the same deal - some successful, some not - and he hoped to God he would be the former.

Sirius and Remus didn’t tell anyone else about the song. Not Marlene, not the band, not even James. They knew they would advise against writing a response to a song they had never heard. But Remus didn’t need to hear what Chris had to say. He had listened to his last album. He knew it wasn’t going to be kind.

No, Christopher would never be mean, but he would disguise his anger in longing and play the victim. Remus was done with that bullshit and Sirius was just crazy enough to indulge him.

They had fallen into a kind of pattern. After the meetings, Sirius would come over with takeout and the two of them would spend all night working on the song. By the third night of this, Sirius had Remus’ Indian order memorized.

“Let me pay you back for this. How much was it?” Remus said.

“Nonsense,” Sirius replied sitting on the bed with him. “It’s not trouble.”

Remus eyed him suspiciously but didn’t push it. He didn’t really have the money to pay him back anyway. "Fine."

“So where are we on the song?” Sirius asked.

“Well, I’ve got a few different lyrics here for the beginning. Trying to figure out which to use.”

“Lemme see.” Remus passed him the notebook which Sirius studied like he was holding a priceless artifact. “Ooo, I really like the idea of starting with ‘I don’t hold anything against you.’ It really shifts the blame to him.”

“Right?” Remus asked in between bites of Chicken Tikka. “It’s like a fuck you, I’m over it and you should be too.”

Sirius kept on reading, occasionally humming a few lines to the tune they had come up with a few days before. 

“Can you sing this part for me?” Sirius asked, gesturing to one hurriedly written stanza. Remus nodded, setting his food aside and grabbing his guitar, which was held together by duct tape.

He started strumming, trying to remember what place in the song he wanted it and playing the chords until he felt comfortable. He began singing.

You say your conscience hurts like hell

And that you didn’t treat me well

Wracked with guilt, you just had to tell

I know what you did, I lived it myself

Remus stopped and put the guitar aside. “Something like that for the chorus,” he said.

Sirius was staring up at him with a wide grin, “If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times. You’re a goddamn genius Remus Lupin.”

Remus blushed and handed Sirius back the notebook. Did Sirius know what he was saying? Probably not. His words had made Remus feel like he was flying. When he spoke like that, Remus felt like there was hope for him to leave this shitty apartment and be someone who mattered. 

Together, the two of them spent the night eating and writing and finding out just the perfect build-up to the chorus. Before they knew it, hours had passed in what felt like minutes.

They were lying on Remus' bed - food, guitar, and notebook all forgotten, replaced by laughter and easy conversation. Their shoulders were touching casually and every so often, their hands would brush against each other in a way that felt absolutely electric. 

“What do you think Christopher’s song is going to be about?” Sirius asked.

“We’ll find out in two days, won’t we?” Remus said.

"You're no fun. Give me a guess."

"Well, it's called Scars. It's probably about my scars." Remus knew he was being an asshole but judging by the smile on Sirius' face, it was well-received.

“Ugh, I hate him.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Really? I had no idea.”

Sirius huffed and turned on his side to face him. Remus mirrored him. They were laying across from each other without more than a few inches of space between them. Every part of Remus' senses were overwhelmed by the sheer proximity of Sirius' eyes, his breath, his lips.

Sirius reached out a hand on Remus’ cheek, stroking it gently. His touch felt like both a question and an answer.

“Sirius…” Remus said because he couldn't bring himself to say stop.

“Moony... Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?” His voice was low and soft. “I swear, your scars are like works of art.”

Remus reached out to hold Sirius’ wrist and he gently lowered Sirius’ hand from his cheek. He regretted it before he even did it. It felt like ripping out his own heart. “Sirius, you can’t say things like that.”

“Why not? It’s the truth.” His voice was entirely earnest which only made it hurt a thousand times more.

“You have a girlfriend.” Remus was trying to keep his voice steady.

“So what? I can’t compliment a friend?” For some reason, the word friend pissed Remus off.

“You know that’s not what this is.”

Sirius scoffed, “So we’re not friends now?”

“Friends don’t say shit like that!” Remus paused and let out a deep breath, all the anger fading away and leaving his voice wavering. “Sirius, it’s not that I don’t want...” Remus shook his head. He couldn’t even let himself think about what they could be. “You just can’t act like this.”

Sirius lived in his own little world where there were no rules, where one boy could tell another that he was beautiful and it didn't change things. But Remus didn't live in that world. 

“Act like what, Moony?” He didn't even sound mad, just vulnerable instead.

“Like my boyfriend.” As soon as he said it, Sirius’ face completely changed. The wild unafraid Sirius was quickly fading.

“I’m not gay,” Sirius said without emotion.

“Okay,” Remus said, “but I am. So maybe you can touch James like that, but you just can’t with me, alright? It’s not fair to Mary and it’s not fair to me either.”

Sirius sat up very straight with a posture befitting the Most Ancient House of Black. “Okay,” he said as if they had been talking about nothing at all. “It’s getting late. I better go.”

“Sirius,” Remus said but the other boy was already up and halfway to the door.

He opened it and was about to walk out when he paused and looked back. For a rare moment, his face looked absolutely ashen. “Goodnight, Moony,” he said. 

Remus felt like he had been stabbed.

As the door closed, Remus knew it was a goodbye. He fell down onto his bed, put a pillow over his mouth, and screamed until his throat was raw.

-

It would’ve been better, Remus thought, if Sirius had been angry. If he had punched his wall or refused to even look Remus’ way, but it wasn’t like that at all.

To the outsider, he was the same old Sirius - bright smiles and always grabbing the center of attention. He joked with the boys. He flirted with anything that walked. He was even nice to Peter on occasion.

But Remus noticed the change. He could tell when the smiles were barely fabricated masks. He knew when a slap on the shoulder was just a way to avoid an awkward moment. He was right next to him and yet so far away.

He also stopped seeking Remus out. Remus hadn’t even realized Sirius had been doing it before, but now it was painfully obvious. There was no one to talk to in between breaks, no one to whisper comments to in boring meetings. 

If the others noticed a change, they didn’t mention it. In fact, they seemed totally oblivious to the whole situation. Even James, who spent most of his waking moments didn’t question Sirius’ behavior for a second. Remus thought for a moment that Sirius had told him, but then James would put his arms around both of them and it was clear he knew nothing.

It’s as if no one noticed that one of the boys was a toy figurine - all plastered smiles and practiced poses. Remus had been the only one who could see the real boy underneath.

Despite everything, they still went on their smoke breaks, but where they were no longer a few minutes of warm respite for Remus. Sirius didn’t act overly friendly. Sirius didn't act pissed off either. He didn’t act like anything at all. They would stand there and smoke in silence. It was the real Sirius, but he was cold and distant, and Remus didn’t know how to bring him in from the storm.

During all of this, t he band had started working on the album. Marlene was frantically working with their team (they had a team now!) to schedule a tour in the coming months.

“Boys,” Peter said as he came into the studio Thursday morning. He had a rare smile on his face. “Guess who just quit their job?”

“That’s great, man!” James stood up and pulled Peter into a wide hug.

“Congrats, Peter,” said Remus.

“You’re finally a free man,” Sirius called out. “Have you quit your job yet, Moony?”

Remus wanted to punch the nickname right out of his mouth. It felt so different now, too casual like anyone could be Moony to him. But Remus swallowed his anger because he really had no right to be angry when he’s the one who put up the distance. This was what he wanted, wasn’t it?

“Not yet. I took off this week and I might take off next as well.”

“Why don’t you just quit?” Peter asked. “My work took it surprisingly well. They made me a cake and everything.”

“That’s real sweet, Pete,” Remus replied. He didn’t think his work would do anything like that for him, but Oliver might get the regulars together to do something. “I just don’t want to hedge my bets just yet.”

“What, you don’t think this will happen?” Sirius asked and there it was, the anger Remus had been waiting for. The hostility had clearly been simmering under the surface for a long time, just waiting for the right time to jump out.

“I just don’t want to be out of a job if this doesn’t work out.”

“Why wouldn’t this work out? Look around, Remus. We’re in a goddamn corporate studio. It’s happening.”

“It’s happening now. Who knows what will happen in a week from now?”

“You need to be all-in on this,” Sirius's voice was rising with every minute. “This isn’t some hobby for the rest of us.”

“You think I don’t care about this?” Remus walked over to where Sirius was standing. This fight was about the band but all the anger Remus had felt the night before was in the air.

“It’s starting to fucking sound like it.” 

“Sirius, I’ve written half our songs! You know I work on this every waking moment of my life. I’m sorry I can’t sit around on my ass all day and wait for the world to care! I don’t have James’ rich parents to look after me. I have to look out for myself. So, I’m so so sorry that I need a job!” He had probably crossed a line, but he didn't care. 

Somewhere beyond them, James was trying to get their attention, but he might as well have been on a different planet. 

“This is should be your job, Remus!  We’re going to make it big, but you’re still acting like this will end tomorrow!”

“Maybe it will!" Remus shouted, "Maybe tomorrow you guys will be super famous and you’ll find a better bassist or a better songwriter, and I’ll be back on my ass.”

"You'd think we'd kick you out?!" Sirius shouted. 

"You kicked out your first bassist!"

"That's cause Snape is an asshole! When have I, or any other person in this band, given the impression that you're not part of this?"

"You three have known each other since you were kids! How am I supposed to compete with that?"

"It's not a goddamn competition, Moony. And last time I checked, I wasn't the one putting up boundaries!"

It was too far and Sirius knew it. Remus didn't say anything, just stepped away from Sirius. "I'm gonna go smoke," He said to the room without looking anyone in the eyes.

As he started to walk away, Sirius reached out his arm, "Remus..." but Remus stepped out of his touch. It was all too much. "I'm sorry," Sirius said. Remus looked up at him and had half the mind to pull him into a hug and never let go. But instead, he just nodded.

James stepped up to them, “Remus, we’re not kicking you out. Not now. Not ever. You’re a part of the Marauders, just like the rest of us.”

“Yeah,” Peter said, “You’re one of us.”

Remus smiled weakly and James brought him into a hug. Remus had never had a brother, but he imagined this is what having one would feel like.

Over the loudspeaker of the studio came Alice’s voice, “If you guys are done with your man bonding, we need to get done with this album at some point.”

-

Remus planned to be alone when Chris’ song came out. Well, he originally planned to listen to it with Sirius, but with everything that had happened in the past few days, he assumed that plan was off. But as the hours ticked closer and closer to the single’s release, Remus realized he desperately did not want to listen to it alone.

Oliver picked up on the second ring. “How are you, my love?”

“What are you doing right now?”

“I just picked up some takeout, why do you ask?”

“Could you come over? Chris’ single comes out and -”

Oliver’s voice cut him off, “I’ll be there in fifteen.”

True to his word, fifteen minutes later Oliver let himself in and dropped a bag of takeout at the foot of Remus’ bed. “I hope you like Italian, babes.” 

“Thank you for coming,” Remus said as he sat up in bed. Oliver scooted up next to him with a bowl of tortellini and passed Remus a fork.

“How much longer until it comes out?” 

Remus looked down at his laptop where he was desperately refreshing Chris’ Spotify. It was 8:55pm. “Five minutes.”

“Do you think it’ll be good?”

“It’s Christopher, of course it will be good.” Remus was beginning to stress eat the pasta. “Even if it’s not, he’s already famous. People will listen to it either way.”

“Kinda fucked up that you taught him guitar and he got famous before you.”

“Yeah, well his parents actually have money so there’s that.” 

“Wow, you’re not bitter at all,” Oliver said with a sarcastic smile. 

“Shut up,” Remus grumbled. “I’m in emotional distress.”

Oliver shook his head, "I know, love. Here I'll distract you with my wonderous storytelling skills," and then dove into a story about his day and a weird thing he saw on the Underground and before they knew it, it was 9:02.

“Wait, stop speaking,” Remus said, cutting Oliver off.

“Rude.”

Remus refreshed the page. “It’s out. His song is out.”

“Holy shit,” Oliver said, looking at the webpage. “Are you gonna press play?”

“Give me a minute,” Remus let out a long breath and clicked on the title. Chris’s smooth voice filled the room.

This is gospel for the fallen ones

Locked away in permanent slumber

“Fallen ones? Are you kidding me?” Remus was pissed.

“I feel like you have to have once been mighty for you to fall,” Oliver commented mildly.

Assembling their philosophies

From pieces of broken memories

“You know these lyrics aren’t half bad,” Oliver said.

Remus hit Oliver’s shoulder, “Don’t compliment him.”

“What? He’s not here to hear it.”

“Don’t put that energy out into the universe.”

This is the beat of my heart

This is the beat of my heart

“Do you think he’s still in love with you?” Oliver mused.

“God, I hope not.” Every second of the song was setting him more and more on edge.

Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues

Conspire against the odds

But they haven't seen the best of us yet

“You know, if we ignore how it’s about you, it’s actually kind of good.”

“Oliver, if you do not shut the fuck up, I will kick you out.”

If you love me, let me go

If you love me, let me go

“Did he just say that I love him and that I need to let him go?”

“Oh, he's got a big storm coming.”

'Cause these words are knives and often leave scars

The fear of falling apart

“He did not just use my scars as a fucking metaphor.” Remus was going to murder him.

And truth be told, I never was yours

The fear, the fear of falling apart

“What does he mean he never was mine? We dated for like a year.”

“Always playing the victim that one.”

Remus was practically seething. As they listened to the rest of his song, he pulled out his phone and texted Sirius, “Fuck Christopher. Tomorrow, we record the single.” 

Sirius texted back right away, “fuck him. lets do it.”

-

“So let me just get this straight,” Marlene said the next morning as they walked into her office with the idea. “You want me to put the album production on pause and go behind my colleagues’ backs to start celebrity relationship drama in the form of dropping yet another single.”

Peter was starting to fidget. He had barely agreed to the idea in the car ride here and now he looked like he seriously might start backing out now. 

Luckily, Sirius was too fast, “That is exactly what we are asking. They blindside us. We blindside them.”

Marlene looked at the four of them and nodded shortly. “Alright, as long as we’re on the same page.” She started typing away some emails. “I will tell your team to start preparing for a single. In the meantime, get your asses in the studio because we need this turned around quickly. We still need that album recorded by the end of the month.”

True to his word, Remus had not texted Chris and he had no plans to. That man did not exist as far as Remus’ cellphone was concerned. 

He also hadn’t talked with Sirius, not really. It had been all music, which Remus supposed made sense. They were just bandmates. This is what they’re supposed to talk about.

Even if Sirius looked unreasonably hot directing the Marauders on the tempo. Especially when he masterfully played the piano for Peter or tapped his hands against James’ chest to give him the rhythm. Remus had half the mind to write every song with Sirius if it made him act like this.

As Sirius jumped from instrument to instrument, a wild smile stretched across his face; but every time he looked Remus’ way, it dimmed a bit, grew a bit tighter.

Remus wanted everything to be how it was between them, but that wasn’t sustainable. This was better - for the band, for their friendship, for his and Mary’s relationship. They needed boundaries and lines in the sand. 

But then Sirius would laugh at his own jokes or twirl around as Peter played the melody, and damn, did Remus want to throw it all away and kiss Sirius right there and then. 

-

They spent the entirety of the next week finalizing everything for the new single. The attention from Christopher Barley’s single only perpetuated their rise to stardom. Suddenly everyone everywhere was talking about Chris and Remus - speculating lyrics, dissecting photographs, and analyzing their every word.

Remus was lucky he hadn't done any interviews for them to dissect. Though he had gotten quite good at lying by now - being disfigured from a young age will do that to you - he didn't particularly like doing it and especially not for something as dumb as whether or not he had dated Christopher fucking Barley.

The Marauders as a whole had gone radio silent since Scars' release. Partly for marketing reasons, but mostly because Sirius had posted a tweet on his personal account that just said, "fuck you." five minutes after the song's release. Remus had no doubt that he would've gone on a long unhinged rant had James not taken away his phone.

All of them had discovered very quickly that the internet could be a truly disgusting, horrendous, and malicious place. Remus didn’t have a smartphone, but occasionally he would check Twitter on his laptop and it was an absolute hellscape - tempted in by the adoring fans singing his praises and then punched in the gut by another tweet calling him “razor face.” And he couldn’t find a way to stop, because people were talking about him and he wanted to know what they had to say.

Remus was lucky in a fucked up way because he had been hearing this shit for years. Nothing could phase him. The rest of the Marauders were not as well equipped. James had developed a hunch in his shoulders and even his undying optimism was wearing a bit thin. Sirius was beginning to act more and more erratic as the days went by. On Wednesday he showed up with a cracked phone and an expression that said “don’t ask.” 

Only Peter was saved from all this. Remus wasn’t sure why, but he was immune from all the new attention. When they were taking breaks, Remus had starting hanging around Peter to get away from the intensity of the other boys. 

“Did you hear that our Spotify is at half a million monthly listeners?” Peter asked.

“Yeah, it’s crazy,” Remus responded. He watched as James messed with his hair for fiftieth time in the past hour. “Sucks that it’s stressing out James and Sirius so much.”

“Oh is that why they’re being like that?” Peter asked. “You’d think they’d be happier.”

“I think it’s the hate comments mostly.” Peter could be so oblivious but it was sweet.

“We’re getting hate?” Peter asked.

Of course, he knew nothing about it. “Just a tad,” Remus said. “Nothing to worry about.”

“Right,” Peter said. “My mum always said that people being mean are just jealous of you.”

Remus smiled. It was nice that he still believed the lies adults tell children.

-

Late Thursday night, so late that it was actually Friday morning, Remus received a phone call. “Hey, can you come over right now?” James’s exhausted voice rang out.

Remus looked at the time 1:13 am. Concern shot through him like a bolt of electricity. What was happening? Where was Sirius? Why call him?  Somewhere in the background, he heard Sirius’ pained voice, “No, don’t call him. He doesn’t want that.” 

“James, what is going on?” Remus was already up and out of bed, struggling to change into normal clothes.

James said something to Sirius that Remus couldn’t decipher and got back on the phone with Remus, “Sirius is kinda freaking out. You normally calm him down. I think you just being here will help.”

A thousand questions circled in his head. The fuck is James talking about ? All he and Sirius do is fight. Wouldn’t Mary be a better pick? How the fuck was he supposed to help? But he pushed his doubts to the side because Sirius was in distress and despite it all, Remus would do anything for that fucker. “Yeah, I’ll be there soon.”

When he arrived at the flat, James hastily opened the front door and pushed him to Sirius’ locked doorway.

“Hey, Padfoot. I’ve got Remus here,” James called gently.

“I told you not to call him,” Sirius replied from somewhere inside.

“Well, I’m already fucking here,” Remus replied. James looked at him wearily. He clearly did not know that Remus was not the type of person to coddle others. “Might as well open the door.”

Remus heard a muttered, “Christ,” from Sirius and movement from the other side. The door opened and Remus took in Sirius. There were deep dark circles under his eyes like he hadn’t slept in days and his shoulders were slouched with exhaustion.

Remus looked him up and down once more and then pushed past him into his room, which was an absolute mess - clothes everywhere, bed unmade, dirty dishes all about. Remus paid it no mind. He had lived in places far worse. 

James, on the other hand, was looking around like it was a horror show and pulled Sirius into a hug, but Sirius shrugged him off. “I just don’t want to be touched right now,” Remus heard him mutter to James. James nodded sympathetically but it was clear he was out of depths.

“Hey James, could I talk to Sirius for a moment?” Remus asked because it was clear James’ all-encompassing love was overbearing on Sirius right now.

“Yeah, of course. I’ll just be in my room if you need me.” He reached out a hand to pat Sirius’ arm but quickly dropped and walked out, closing the door behind him.

Remus couldn’t find a place to sit so he just laid down on Sirius's bed. It was one of the nicest mattresses he’d ever felt. “Jesus Christ, why do we ever hang out at my place? I could lie in this bed forever.”

Sirius sat down next to him. He looked like he could break at any moment. “I’m sorry. James shouldn’t have dragged you into this.”

Remus shrugged, “S’okay. I wasn’t doing anything with my evening anyway.” Sirius just nodded and remained silent. Remus sighed. “So what the fuck happened that’s got you acting like a little bitch?”

Sirius turned to look at him scandalized. “You’re proper shit at comforting, you know that?”

“You did tell James not to call me.”

Sirius saw the joke in it and let himself smile. It was a marvelous sight. Then, he seemed to remember what was upsetting him and it fell away. “This shit is just so much harder than I thought it would be.”

“What? The half a million adoring fans is too much for you?”

“Come on, I know you’ve seen the hate. It’s everywhere.” Sirius started quoting from memory, “I’d rather gouge out my own eyes than listen to the Marauders again. That drummer looks like a literal toad. This is the biggest bunch of queers I’ve ever seen.”

Remus let out a laugh at that one.

“It’s not funny, Remus.”

“It kinda is.” Sirius glared at him. “Look, people are going to say this shit about you no matter what. You have to look at it like it’s funny.”

“But it’s not! This shit hurts. I mean we’ve worked so hard and we’ve just started and suddenly everyone everywhere hates us.”

“So what?” Remus replied, irritatingly calm to Sirius’ rising tides of anger.

“I just want them to stop! Stop thinking about me and talking shit about me, or you for that matter. I mean you get it worse than anyone. I know you’ve seen it.”

“Yeah, but I’ve also been getting that shit my whole life.”

“That doesn’t make it right!”

“No, but it means I know how to handle it. Look, you just can’t let their words bother you.”

“Fat load of advice that is,” Sirius stood up and started pacing. “Yeah, let me just stop caring. So simple. Not everyone can flip a switch like you can, Remus.” The way he said it was like a personal attack.

“Tell that to the girls you’ve dated,” Remus said, choosing to take everything as a joke. 

“Fuck you, that’s different. I don’t care about girls, not like I care about this.”

Remus raised an eyebrow. “Look, Sirius. You can’t make them stop. That’s not something you have control over.”

“But I want to!” Sirius shouted and then kicked his desk chair.

Remus knew he should probably calm him down but something about Sirius seemed to tick something off in him. He stood up off the bed. “I didn’t come here at 1 in the goddamn morning to watch you have a hissy fit.” Sirius was staring at him as though he might punch him. “Boohoo, rich boy gets famous and now people are saying mean things about him.”

“Shut the fuck up, Moony,” Sirius moved closer.

“You’re being such a fucking baby.” It was a dangerous line of speaking but Remus couldn’t make himself stop. “You wanted to be famous, this is what that means. People will hate you. People will love you. You have to be able to handle that.”

“Well, I don’t know if I can!” All of a sudden Sirius sat down on the bed, the anger flooded out of him. He looked up at Remus, teetering on the edge of an abyss, “What if I can’t cut it?”

Remus softened and sat down next to him. Taking a risk, he grabbed Sirius’ hand and he didn't yank. They stayed there for a moment as Sirius closed his eyes took deep breaths. Finally, Remus found his words.

“You know, someone told me a story once about a boy with an awful family. The worst family you can imagine, but all the money in the world,” Remus looked over to Sirius, checking if this was okay. “And if that boy just did what they said and followed their every rule, he could have anything he wanted, except his freedom. But this boy knew what a shit deal that was and he ran away. He lived on the streets with no idea what his future would hold, if he would even survive until the next week. One of the bravest people I’ve ever met. Where’s that boy now?”

Sirius’ eyes were locked on Remus, looking at him like he hung the moon and the stars. Sirius squeezed his hand tighter.

“I’m going to tell you something that I’m pretty sure you already know,” Remus continued. “No one is going to save you. You have to start saving yourself.”

In one quick movement, Sirius pulled him into a hug and held him like it was the only thing holding him together.

-

On the following Friday, exactly one week after Christopher Barley released Scars, the Marauders dropped their response song, Bedside. The album cover was Remus giving the camera the middle finger - specifically the one with his stick and poke moon tattoo featured prominently.

Unlike Chris, they gave no warning. The Marauders were already being talked about enough on social media that an unexpected song would make a bigger splash than weeks of marketing.

Immediately, the internet latched on to it like vultures. It was still too early to see how people would react. Right now, it was mostly screaming from both the Christopher Barley and the Marauders. He hoped it would do what Sirius said - make them come out as victor. But Remus felt like regardless of who ‘won’ this little debate, he would not be rid of Chris’ legacy for a long time.

They did, however, have a party to celebrate. Sirius, for some demented reason, wanted it to be at Remus’ apartment but Remus firmly put his foot down because “My flat can barely hold two people let alone 7 or 8.”

Determined not to be the only one at the party without a plus one, Remus invited Oliver along. (Technically Lily was also his plus one, but Remus knew where she would be spending all her time.)

The flat was in a much better state than it had been the night before, cleaner and more spacious. James was clearly still a bit stressed from everything, but Sirius was celebrating like they’d just won a war and alcohol was free.

When Remus and Oliver walked in, Sirius yelled and finished his sizable drink. As he stood up, he wobbled a bit and Mary said, “Maybe you should slow down.”

Sirius just rolled his eyes at her. “I’m fineeee,” he stretched out the word which was an indicator that he was no such thing. Oliver exchanged a glance with Remus who just shook his head in response. A silent conversation of what the fuck is going on?

Sirius stumbled into Remus, which forced the other boy to catch him. “Hello Sirius,” Remus said as the boy steadied himself in his arms.

“Heyy, Moonyy,” Sirius took his hands off Remus’ arms mumbling, “Sorry, I won’t touch you. I know you don’t want that.”

Oliver was watching this go down like he was witnessing a trainwreck. “Hey Sirius,” he said vaguely amused.

Sirius turned and stared at Oliver like he was a picture he couldn’t quite make out. “Oh, Oliver, what are you doing here?”

“Remus invited me.”

Sirius turned to Remus, “What’d you do that for?”

“Don’t be rude, Pads,” Remus chastised. Oliver seemed to find this even funnier.

Sirius just held up his hands in surrender. “Everyone’s welcome. Be sure to take a drink. The vodka is particularly good tonight.” Sirius walked back to the couch which he practically collapsed on to. 

“Isn’t he a delight?” Oliver remarked.

“He’s certainly something,” Remus was staring at where Sirius had laid himself in Mary’s lap with his legs stretched out to bother James. Even like this, drunk and ridiculous, he looked attractive. There was something about the way his intoxicated smiles came so easily.

Once Oliver and Remus got drinks in hand and found a place to sit, Remus checked his phone. There was a text message from Chris - “I want to be mad, but I guess I did the same to you. Great song, Remus.”

He showed the text to Oliver who replied with a simple, “Fuck him.”

Remus left it unanswered but not before showing it to Sirius. Sirius, for his part, decided the proper response was to stand up and loudly declare to the room, “A toast to Christopher Barley for his great taste in men and his even greater taste for dramatics.”

Remus hoped no one could see his blush in his dark room. He’s just drunk , Remus reminded himself. Everyone raised their drinks and Oliver shouted out, “Christopher is one messy bitch and we love him for it.” There was scattered laughter as people downed their drinks.

Like most of their parties, it devolved into side conversations and Remus strumming on the guitar. Oliver had been pulled into a conversation with Lily and James, and Remus didn’t want to interrupt them. He definitely didn’t want to interrupt Peter and Desdemona who were snogging in the corner, nor did he want to seek out wherever Mary and Sirius had disappeared to. So he contented himself to be alone, which was just fine by him.

A few hours into the party, Remus had gone into the kitchen to play some guitar. Even surrounded by friends, parties were overwhelming for him. He felt relaxed the instant he stepped into the quiet space. As he played, he started making up a song, an interlude for the album maybe.

I'm not angry anymore

Well, sometimes I am

Remus heard someone enter the room so he quickly switched to humming instead. He could sing for a crowd of hundreds, but his friends were a different story. 

“Don’t stop on my account,” Sirius said.

Remus just shook his head. “Am I in your way?” Remus asked. He was sitting on a counter, perhaps Sirius had come for a glass of water.

“No, I just came looking for you,” Sirius was significantly more sober than he had been the last time Remus saw him.

“Oh,” Remus said. Sirius sat on the counter opposite of him. “Where’s Mary?”

“I just finished walking her home. She has a thing in the morning and thought the walk could sober me up.”

“I’m glad she’s looking after you,” Remus said. It was as close as he would get to discussing the night before.

“She’s great, yeah.” Sirius paused for a moment, as if preparing to say something but changed his mind. “What were you playing?”

“Oh, it wasn’t anything. Just a response to Chris’ song.”

“One single wasn’t enough?” Sirius asked with a smirk. “Well, let’s hear the rest of it.”

Remus wanted to protest but he knew he would give in to Sirius eventually as he always did, so he just started singing the next line.

I don't think badly of you

Well, sometimes I do

 

It depends on the day

The extent of all my worthless rage

I'm not angry anymore

Remus paused and looked up to meet Sirius’ gaze. Sirius let out a breath, “You never cease to amaze me, Moony.”

Remus smiled, even though he knew he shouldn’t. It was just the two of them. No one would even know if Remus crossed the space between them. What’s the use of setting boundaries if neither of them wanted to obey them?

The sounds of the drunken laughter floated into the kitchen. James' voice called out, “Remus, Sirius, we’re gonna do karaoke! Get in here!”

Sirius shook his head and hopped off the counter. “We should probably go to that.”

“Yeah,” Remus said, but didn’t move. “Give me a minute, I want to finish the song.”

Sirius nodded and was about to walk out of the room but paused. “Hey Moony, thanks for coming last night.”

Remus smiled softly. “Anytime,” he said it like a promise.

Notes:

this chapter was angsty as hell sorry, ill make shit fluffier next time

also feel free to leave kudos if you liked it! it helps more people find this fic

Chapter 8: i'm alright if you're alright

Notes:

Songs in this chapter:
This December by Ricky Montgomery

Remus didn’t check his bank account until Sunday afternoon. As a rule, he avoided looking at it until absolutely necessary. Watching the number slowly dwindle down and down gave him such anxiety that even when he just got paid, he didn’t look. 

The only reason he was checking now was because he had to go to the grocery store and he needed to budget how much food he could afford after he paid his rent and utilities. He had no clue that if the song revenue would cover missing his shifts from work, but he was hopeful he might be able to afford some fresh fruit this week.

When he first saw his balance, he thought there was something wrong with the system. He refreshed the webpage but it still said the same thing, “£8,145.25.” 

He had half the mind to call the bank, but he checked through his history and there it was - a deposit of £8,014.10 from Phoenix Records. 

Logically, Remus knew he was being paid for this, but it was hard to believe. For so long, music was just some hobby that he would work all day so he could play on the weekends. Between all the drama with Christopher and Sirius, Remus had completely forgotten that this was a job and people were paying him to play music.

Once he finally accepted the number, he sat down on his bed and thought of all the things he could buy with that. Not just groceries but new pants to replace the ones with holes, a shelf for his books, maybe even a backboard for his bed.

Or even better, he could move out. Find someplace with working heat and thicker walls. He could get an apartment with his own bedroom. He wouldn’t ever have to work a late-night again or have drunk strangers yell his way. 

The possibilities came over Remus like a wave and for the first time in so long, he let himself cry. Something deep within him shifted as he realized that he was going to be okay. 

-

The boys spent the next month in the studio. Monday and Tuesday were all about planning and meetings. Most of it was Marlene running down with them everything about the tour and asking them questions about locations, buses, designers. Sometimes they might even have those days off if there were things happening behind the scenes that they didn’t have to worry about.

Wednesday through Friday was studio time and this was by far Remus’ favorite. Not just playing with the band, but talking through his songs with someone as talented as the Longbottoms. They both understood him and knew how to make all his songs better. They knew where to layer voices or have just the right idea for a percussion shift.

The tour was going to be intense. It was all over the UK with a new town practically every night. There were few rest days and Marlene tried to explain in explicit detail all the ways it would be terrible, but Remus did not care. They were getting their very own tour. He would make it an incredible experience no matter what.

While they were touring, the album would be mastered and come out halfway through, which meant that they really needed to finish it before the tour. There was a lot of pressure from the general Phoenix Records, but thankfully the Longbottoms protected them from most of it.

“It’s a process,” Alice said. “I don’t give a fuck what they think. It will get done and it will sound amazing.” Alice never failed to make Remus smile.

But this process often meant repeating just one thing a thousand times until it was perfect and Remus could only listen to James sing the same line fifteen times before he wanted his head to explode.

“Wanna go smoke?” Sirius offered, perfectly reading Remus’ agitation.

“That sounds bloody fantastic.”

After a short elevator ride, they stepped out onto the street and took in the ripe smell of London’s alleyways. Remus pulled out a cigarette and offered it to Sirius, “You really should get your own pack,” Remus said.

Sirius just smiled, “Where’s the fun in that?” He let Remus light it between his teeth. “Besides, you’re always around.”

Remus just shook his head. Things had returned to normal between them - a good normal. They knew where they stood with one another. They were friends, close friends. And if Sirius looked insanely attractive with a cigarette between his fingers, well that was just a completely platonic thing to notice.

(Remus wasn’t fooling himself. He was still head over heels for the little asshole, but he was trying his best to get over him. So friends they would remain.)

“You know, I never did teach you French,” Sirius remarked.

“No, you did not,” Remus replied.

“Well, I guess we have to start sometime. Repeat after me.”

Remus let out of a puff of smoke, “What? Right now?”

“No time like the present, Moony. Repeat after me, j'm'appelle Remus.”

“Well, I know that one. Everyone knows how to say their name.”

“Fine, I’ve got a better one for you - Je suis une bite.”

“Je suis une bite,” Remus repeated. “What does that mean?”

“I am a dick,” Sirius said.

“Oh, fuck you,” Remus said with a smile and hit his arm. “Say something better. Something nice.”

“Quelque chose de bien,” Sirius said.

Remus tried to repeat it back to him, “Okay, what does that mean?”

“Something nice.”

“God, you’re a terrible teacher, you know that?” Remus was laughing which only made Sirius laugh too.

Sirius then broke out into rapid fire French, “J'adore ton rire et je veux que cela ne s’arrête jamais.”

“I don’t understand a single word you’re saying to me.”

“What? You can’t keep up?”

“No, my current French teacher is absolute shit.” The two of them broke down laughing again and when Remus finally recovered, he caught Sirius looking at him. His long black hair was falling in front of his face, perfectly framing his stone-cut cheekbones.

Remus elected to ignore it. “Are you excited for the tour?”

“Yeah,” he said and went back to looking out at the street. “Should be fun.”

“If you can manage not to kill Peter.”

Sirius snorted. “If I didn’t kill him when we were in school, I’m never killing him. That fucker was annoying.”

“He’s not too bad.”

“He’s not too bad, now . You didn’t see him when he was trying to get his first girlfriend. It was like watching a car crash and not knowing how to stop it.”

“Awww, that’s adorable. Not all of us were born with your powers of seduction, Black.”

“Like you ever had an issue. I saw how those boys at the bar were looking at you.”

“The quiet lanky kid with all the scars? Yeah, I was drowning in marriage proposals.”

Sirius looked like he wanted to say something but thought better of it. “Well, you’re certainly getting them now.” The Twitter attention had only increased as time went on.

“Yeah,” Remus breathed out a laugh, “along with death threats.”

“You can’t win them all,” Sirius said. They fell into a comfortable silence as they finished their cigarettes. Right as they were walking into the elevator, Sirius said, “Mary and I are breaking up when we go on tour.”

“Oh,” Remus was trying to get a read on how Sirius but it was impossible. “How do you feel about that?”

Sirius just shrugged, “It’s for the best.” And then the doors opened and they were almost to the studio. 

It felt like they were running out of time. Remus had a million questions and only half a minute to ask them. Why did he wait until now to mention it? They had been smoking out there for at least ten minutes.

“Well, I’m sure that will make many of the fans very happy,” Remus said finally. And me, he didn't add.

They were at the studio, all Sirius had to do was open the door, but he had stopped with his hand on the handle, looking up at Remus. “Yeah, the fans,” he said as if he had never considered it. Whatever reply Sirius had been looking for, Remus knew he had said the wrong one.

Then Sirius opened the door, and they went back to their recording session.

-

The attention on the Marauders had not died down at all in the weeks they spent recording. It seemed like everyone and their mother wanted to know what happened between Chris and Remus, so much so that it was making mainstream news.

Oliver was the first to show him - it was a clip from the pop culture section of BBC news and Oliver had captioned it, “You’re in the big leagues now.”

People all across the country knew his name, forming opinions on him despite never meeting him. That might freak other people out, but Remus had been used to people making snap judgments about him his entire life.

Still, the sheer number of it was impossible to even conceive. Millions of people had streamed his song. Which is why it shouldn’t have been a surprise to Remus when his father gave him a call.

He and his father didn’t talk much. They called on holidays, birthdays, or if there was some family news to deliver. So an unexpected phone call at 1 pm on a Thursday threw Remus for a loop. Remus had to step out of the studio to take it.

“Hello?” he asked. 

“Hey, Remus,” John Lupin’s Welsh vowels crackled through the phone. “Er, how are you?”

“I’m actually a bit busy right now. Mind telling me why you’re calling?” Remus didn’t want to be rude but he was acutely aware of the disruption to the recording.

“Right, right. Of course, well I’m just calling because the strangest thing just happened to me at work. I walked into this meeting and introduced myself and the client's social media person, a young woman, asked if I was Remus Lupin’s father.

“At first, I thought it was a friend of yours, but then she said that she’s a big fan of your music. And I said she was making a mistake but then she pulled up a video and there you were playing to a packed crowd. I didn’t know my own son was a famous musician. It was embarrassing.”

Remus winced. He knew he should’ve told him sooner, “I mean, I wouldn’t say famous-”

“You’re on the news, boy.”

Remus didn’t have anything to say to that. “I mean it’s all happened pretty fast.”

“Too fast to call your old man?” Remus let the silence stretch out. Remus didn’t point out that John could’ve called him at any time. Finally, John said, “Look, I know we’re not that close, and that’s my fault. But I would like to be a part of your life, if just as someone to call.” 

It was the first time either of them had admitted anything like that. After Hope’s funeral, Remus had screamed his head off at all the way John had failed them. They hadn’t talked much since, not about anything that mattered. Remus had long given up any dreams that John would miraculously turn into the loving father he had never been.

“Remus?” John said.

“Yeah, I’ll call.” The door to the studio opened and Sirius appeared, “Look, John. I have to go, I’m at the studio right now.”

“Right, right. Have a good day.” Remus hung up the phone and looked over at Sirius. 

“Everything alright?” he asked.

“Yeah, yeah. My dad just called.” 

Sirius nodded. He didn’t know the full story but he knew enough. “What’d he want?”

“I kind of didn’t tell him about the band. He was a bit annoyed.”

“God, I don’t know what my parents would do if they found out. My mother would throw a tantrum probably,” Sirius said lightly but it was clear there was something more beneath his words. “Luckily, I don’t live with them anymore.” 

He gave Remus his signature Sirius Black smile, the one that made all the girls swoon. Remus saw right past it. “If only it was that easy to be rid of our parents’ legacy,” Remus said.

The smile faltered. “Yeah,” Sirius said quietly. “Did you ever think about leaving?”

Remus desperately wanted a cigarette. At the very least, it would give him something to focus on instead of Sirius’ intense honesty.

“No, my dad was already doing that for me. Barely saw him my whole childhood.” Remus let out a breath. “And I loved my mom. I never wanted to leave her side. By the time she died, I was already living alone so there wasn’t anything to run away from.”

“I wish I could’ve met her,” Sirius said.

Remus smiled privately, “Yeah, she would’ve loved you.”

“Really?” 

“Yeah, She used to play rock and roll records all the time around the house. You’ve got the whole rockstar attitude with a heart of gold thing going on. ”

“You think I have a heart of gold?” Sirius said with a raised eyebrow.

Remus rolled his eyes, “Oh please, I’ve never been fooled by your whole leather jacket persona. You couldn’t hold your own in a fight for one second.”

“Is that a bet, Mr. Lupin?”

Remus just let out a snort, “It’s a fact, Mr. Black.”

“Oh, you’re on,” Sirius had a mischievous glint in his eye, but Remus paid it no mind. He was a posh boy through and through.

“You know we should probably record this album at some point,” Remus said and started opening the studio door.

“Don’t think you’re getting out of our fight that easily,” Sirius said. “It will happen when you least expect it.”

“Whatever you say, Sirius.”

-

Because of all the weeks of recording, Remus finally decided to quit his job. His boss didn’t give him too much shit - after two weeks of not working, he knew it was coming. But Oliver definitely took issue with it. As soon as he heard, he gave Remus a call.

“You’re telling me my favorite bartender is quitting?”

“I’m moving on to better things.”

“Who am I gonna flirt with Remus?”

“Oh, I’m sure you’ll find someone. You've never had much issue with that.”

“Yeah, but no one who will overpour my drinks like you do.”

"That's exactly the reason I shouldn't be a bartender."

"Hush, you were the best." Remus smiled at his words.

Just then there was a knock at the door, “Oliver, I gotta go. I would say I’m sorry I quit, but I’m really not.”

“I know, love. I’m excited for you.”

The knocking came again and Remus hung up the phone. “I’m coming!” he shouted and for once was ready to face his pissed-off landlord with no fear of being out a flat.

But when he opened the door, it wasn’t his landlord but Sirius. “You could text before coming over you know,” Remus said.

“Where’s the fun in that?” Sirius pushed past him into his flat.

“And what if I wasn’t home one day? What would you do then?”

“Then I’d wait for you.” Sirius was in a good mood as he had been the past few days. Maybe he was adjusting to the band's success, but more likely it was just how Sirius was. His emotions came in waves and you never knew what you were going to get. 

Remus would take the happiness when it came. “What can I do for you, Pads?”

“Wanna get a tattoo?” he asked casually as if he was asking to go get some ice cream and not permanently alter the skin on his body.

“What? Like right now?”

“Yeah,” Sirius responded. “I’ve been wanting one for a while now and you’re the only person I know who has one.”

“I would have to be significantly drunker to get a tattoo right now.”

Sirius looked back at him. “That can be arranged,” he said with a wink. “Plus I don’t want to get one alone.”

“Why not take Mary?”

“I’m not getting a tattoo with a girl I’m breaking up with in a month.”

Every time Sirius mentioned the breakup, Remus felt a surge of hope before reminding himself that he didn't have a chance. Despite all the signs pointing to the contrary, Sirius said he was straight and he had to respect that.

“So you thought you should bring your friend who you’ve known for like two months?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “I thought I should bring the person who is single-handedly responsible for the success of our music. And the person who is significantly cooler than me.”

“You think I’m cooler than you ? Pads, look at how we’re dressed right now.” Sirius was wearing his leather jacket and black jeans with a metal chain hanging off the belt. Remus was wearing a sweater he found at a second-hand shop.

Sirius scoffed, “Looks are deceiving, Remus. I know you have tattoos in unmentionable places.”

Remus put his head in his hands to hide his blush. He should have never told Sirius about that. “What do you want to get tattooed?”

“I want my constellation on my shoulder.”

“You have your own constellation?” Remus said disbelievingly.

“Canis Major,” Sirius said like this was obvious. Remus continued looking at him blankly. “You know Sirius is a star, right?”

Remus scoffed, “Of course, I’m not an idiot, but forgive me if I haven’t brushed up on my constellations recently.”

“My darling mother trained us on it relentlessly,” Sirius said by way of explanation. “My whole family is named after celestial things. She used to say,” Sirius donned a very unflattering impression of his mother, “Our names are written in the stars, Sirius. Only an imbecile wouldn’t be able to name them all.”

“Ah, in the perfectly loving way of a mother,” Remus joked.

“Yeah, she was the real model of maternal care that one.”

Remus had yet to hear a positive story about Mrs. Black. Wherever she was, Remus hoped he would never meet her.

“So will you come with me?” Sirius asked. “I have an appointment in an hour.”

Remus sighed. It was impossible to say no to Sirius Black. “Fine, but I’m not getting anything.”

-

The tattoo parlor was across town which meant spending quite a bit of time on the London Underground. Remus and Sirius were lucky enough to find two open seats and they sat pressed together in the crowded train car.

“One of us should really buy a car,” Sirius said.

“What do we need a car in London for? It’s faster to take the tube anyway.”

Sirius glanced around at the packed car, “Privacy,” he said. “My mother wouldn’t even let us take the Underground as a kid. She said it was ‘beneath us.’”

“Why does your family even live in London if it’s so terrible?”

“The Blacks have lived in London for centuries. My mother’s side of the family is from the country though, so she’s used to big estates. Still, I have no idea why she chose the London house to live in.”

“Were there multiple houses to choose from?” Remus was vaguely amused by the ultra-rich world Sirius hailed from.

“Yes, the Blacks have several different ancestral homes. Through a series of, let’s call them unscrupulous marriages, they were able to consolidate them to a few noble hands.”

“Unscrupulous?”

Sirius sighed, “My parents are second cousins.” 

“What?” Remus shouted and then lowered his voice when people in the car gave him dirty looks. “The fuck is wrong with them?”

“Yeah, I told you my family is fucked up.” Sirius was finding this whole thing quite funny.

Remus was staring at Sirius, looking for some sign of genetic failure, but he still looked just as casually beautiful as ever. “Oh fuck you for that.”

Sirius laughed, “What?”

“You’re fucking inbreed and instead of receding hairlines and blood diseases, you get high cheekbones and the body of a Greek God.”

“The royal family wishes they were me,” Sirius smirked.

Remus burst out laughing and added, “Eat your heart out Prince William.”

They laughed together, loudly and inconsiderate of the people around them. It was one of those jokes that wasn’t even that funny but they just couldn’t stop. Every time they looked at each other, it was like the joke was told all over again. Remus would never tire of hearing Sirius’ laugh.

The good mood followed them all the way to the tattoo parlor. But as they waited for the appointment, Remus could feel the nerves creep up in Sirius. He hadn’t stopped bouncing his leg for five whole minutes.

Remus put his hand on his knee, “Relax.” Sirius instantly stilled under his touch.

“Sorry,” Sirius muttered. “Just nervous.”

“What are you concerned about?”

“Is it going to hurt?”

“You’re asking if a needle repeatedly piercing deep under your skin will hurt?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Sirius muttered.

Remus rolled his eyes. “You’re fine. It’s not that bad.”

Sirius nodded. A man came out from the back and called his name. “Come with me?” Sirius asked.

“Of course,” Remus said.

The tattoo artists sat Sirius down in the chair and started explaining placement. Remus sat down in the chair beside him. As the tattoo artist talked, Sirius started taking off his shirt.

Remus should’ve expected this. He knew the tattoo was going on his shoulder blade, But the realities of that - Sirius taking off his shirt to reveal a torso of warm skin and toned muscle - was very different.

Remus tried not to stare, but how could he not? Sirius was objectively attractive. It was like trying not to stare at a masterpiece.

He kept glancing out of the corner of his stealing glances until at last Sirius laid down and there was nothing stopping him from openly admiring the tightness of the muscles, his soft skin, the curve of his spine. 

Towards the small of his back, almost hidden by the black waistband of his pants, was a long set of neat white lines. They were the exact opposite of Remus’ scars - regimented where Remus’ were ragged, disguised where Remus’ were distinct. 

There was no question that they were man-made. But made by whom? By Sirius’ own hand in a fit of his deep rages or despairs? By his mother as a twisted childhood punishment? Or by some unknown third party unmentioned to even Remus?

The tattoo artist started tracing the tattoo on Sirius’ shoulder and chatting lightly. What do you do? Why are you getting this tattoo?

Sirius answered these questions with grace. Remus could practically see Sirius in a press interview, charming the pants off the interviewer, and going viral with his answers. But once the needle gun came towards his skin, Sirius fell deadly silent, his knuckles squeezing themself white.

“Do you want to hold my hand?” Remus offered.

“What?” Sirius asked through gritted teeth.

“Squeeze my hand. It helps, I promise.” 

Sirius let out a hiss of pain. “You’re the expert here,” he said and held out his hand. Remus put his hand into Sirius’ palm and immediately felt the crush of his fingers. They were calloused and rough from all his years drumming. The warm skin was intoxicating against his own fingers.

“Are you two together?” the tattoo artist asked from where he was positioned over Sirius’ shoulder blade.

“Nah, we’re just friends,” Remus answered. He thought Sirius would be more peeved by this question but he was in so much pain he likely did not care. “We’re in a band together”

“What kind of music do you play?” the tattoo artist asked and he and Remus fell into easy conversation about music. He didn't have Sirius' charm but after years as a bartender, he could make decent conversation. Sirius had relaxed a bit and had started tracing patterns with his thumb on to the back of Remus’ hand.

Eventually, the tattoo artist eased off Sirius’ shoulder. “Want a photo before I bandage it?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Sirius responded. He sounded relieved it was over. “Remus, can you do it? My phone is in my back pocket.”

Remus got the phone out. On the home screen was six missed calls from James and a text that read, “I hope you’re okay. Call me when you can.” Remus was concerned but he couldn't bring it up right now, so he took the photo of Sirius’ newly tattooed skin and handed him back the phone.

Sirius glanced at the home screen with a small frown but then opened up the photo. “It’s beautiful,” he said to the tattoo artist.

“Glad you like it.” The artist started bandaging it up. Sirius was giddy now, constantly drumming his fingers and sending Remus small smiles.

Just then, Remus’ phone rang and it was James. Sirius gave him a strange look but Remus just excused himself from the room to take the call. 

James started talking the moment Remus picked up. “Hey, do you know where Sirius is?” His voice was more than a little distressed.

“Yeah, I’m with him right now.”

“Oh, good. Thank god.” 

“Did he not tell you?” Remus asked. He really didn’t see what all the fuss was about.

“No, he doesn’t always tell me and he is completely against the idea of me tracking him.”

“James, what is going on?”

James sighed like an overly exhausted mother. “It’s the anniversary of him running away from home,” he said finally. “He tends to go a bit AWOL sometimes, especially on a day like today. But I’m glad he’s with you. Keep him safe alright?”

Remus glanced to where Sirius was emerging from the back room, looking so light and carefree with his new tattoo. “Yeah. Of course. Have a good night, James.”

Sirius smiled as he approached, “Who were you on the phone with?”

“Your dear flatmate who seems to have been under the impression that you have gone missing.” 

“I’m right here,” Sirius said lightly. “Acts like my mother, that one.”

“Well, someone has to,” Remus said and then added, “And it sure as hell isn’t going to be me.” Sirius gave him a small laugh.

Remus followed Sirius to the counter to watch him pay for the tattoo. Remus was looking for a trace of today's significance on his face, but Sirius was acting like it was all nothing. He pulled out his wallet - an expensive leather thing with his initials pressed on it in gold. No doubt it was a holdover from when he lived with his family. The inside was quite barren. Most of Sirius’ cash was handed over to the tattoo artist.

Once they were back on the street and heading home, Remus kept glancing over at Sirius, trying to figure out how to breach the subject, but it seemed like an impossible task. Not to mention, Sirius seemed genuinely happy for once. 

“You like the tattoo?” Remus asked.

“Yeah, I think it turned out really well. It didn’t even hurt.” Sirius’ hands went to trace over his shoulder blade.

“Yeah, whatever you want to tell yourself,” Remus responded.

“It didn’t!”

“Tell that to the death grip you had on my hand.” The two of them laughed. The sun was beginning to set and the entire city street was illuminated in golden light. 

Sirius stopped walking and was staring at Remus. He was facing away from the sun, looking straight at where Remus was lit aglow in the setting sun's light. Remus looked back at him, “You good?”

Sirius gave him a large unconscious grin, “This is one of the best days I’ve ever had.”

Remus just smiled back, “I’m happy to be a part of it.” 

“You’re not just a part of it,” Sirius said. “You’re the reason, Moony.” They continued walking, both of them feeling the warm familiarity of each other’s presence.

Remus looked at the other boy, and thought, I’m so in love with you and wished for just one moment, that he could say it aloud. 

But he knew the rules, he knew what role he played. It was Sirius’ job to make declarations that fell just short of love and Remus’ job to pretend he didn’t notice.

He’ll come to his senses one day, Remus thought. He can’t be this oblivious forever.

-

By the month’s end, the album was almost finished recording. Almost every song of it was written, at least in part if not in entirety, by Remus. There was still so much that needed to be done for the album - mastering, approval, final touches, but the bones were there.

Most of the songs Remus had written years ago about Christopher, or his parents, or just the general angst of growing up. But in the last few days, he came to the band with a new song. He had written it directly after Sirius got the tattoo. It was about that night and the complex relationship he and Sirius had, one that always felt like it was on the edge of something but whether that something was disaster or salvation, Remus didn’t know.

Like always, Remus went around explaining the different parts to everyone. Walking Peter through the chords, talking to Sirius about the percussion (to which Sirius would freestyle something better almost immediately. Remus knew how to play drums, but with Sirius, it was like the drums were a part of him).

What always took the longest was the vocals with James. There was always something so vulnerable about it for Remus and he knew that’s what most people paid attention to. They needed to be perfect. 

Peter and Sirius always complained that Remus should just sing them himself, but what both Remus and the Longbottoms agreed on was that James’ voice was worth it. That man was gifted with the voice of an angel.

The new song was no exception. Remus walked through the lyrics with James and unbeknownst to either of them, Sirius was recording on his phone.

The video he recorded - one that Sirius then leaked to their own Twitter - was this: James and Remus standing close in the studio, Peter on the keys playing the chorus for them. The first voice that sang was Remus’

I'm alright if you're alright

And I'm okay if you're okay

It's this state, in this state I'm living in

James repeated back to him. His voice a little clearer and steadier than Remus’ had been. Alice got on the microphone and suggested a new emphasis on a different word. James tried it again, sounding like an angel. Then Remus went to the next section, 

It's just a little bit

It's just a little bit lonely in this home its always

Colder on your own

Just as James began to repeat it back to them, he caught Sirius, “Are you recording this?” James asked. Remus’ face snapped up, staring directly at the camera.

“I felt like we’re robbing the fans of Remus’ beautiful voice,” Sirius’ voice came from behind the camera.

Remus’s face was obscured as he looked down shyly and then back up at the camera. “Sirius…” he sighed and the video cut off there.

The fans went absolutely wild. There were many tweets about Remus’ singing voice or how cute James was. 

But by far the majority of the tweets were about that sigh. The words Remus spoke or didn’t speak. Almost immediately two camps broke out: either Remus was pissed at Sirius for filming without his permission and there were tensions in the band, or Remus was completely smitten with Sirius and they were secretly dating.

Almost everyone in the latter group pointed to that moment when Sirius called Remus' voice beautiful. They called his tone lovestruck while others declared it was just friendly.

Remus wasn’t even sure he knew the truth.

One thing he did know, however - Marlene was pissed about the leak. 

Notes:

I tried to make this a bit fluffier for y'all. That will not be true for the next chapter.

feel free to leave kudos if you are enjoying it!!
-
Translation of Sirius' french,

"I love your laugh and I wish it would never stop"

Chapter 9: something i cant believe

Notes:

TW - descriptions of past child abuse

Songs in this chapter:
What They'll Say About Us by Finneas
Juliet by Cavetown

Before the day was even over, Marlene pulled the four of the Marauders out of the studio and into her office. If normal Marlene was intimidating, angry Marlene was a force to be reckoned with and she held back no punches.

“What the fuck were you thinking?” Marlene yelled. “Leaking a private recording session to your several hundred thousand Twitter followers! Do you know what a legal shit storm this is? Do you have no respect for your team? for me?"

It was brutal to watch Marlene tear into Sirius, for it was Sirius’ fault alone. So thorough was Marlene's chastisement that Remus felt sorry and he hadn’t even done anything. 

"You clearly don’t give a shit about any of this if you think this is some kind of fun game that you could do whatever the fuck you want.”

There wasn’t even any need for the rest of the Marauders to be there. Marlene didn’t even glance their way the whole time, but they had a purpose nonetheless. It made this shaming a public humiliation. It’s one thing to be chewed out by your manager. It was a whole other to have your closest friends watch in silence.

"Do you not what kind of shit I have to withstand from admin? Do you know how much I have to fight for you every moment just so they give you a chance and this is how you thank me?"

Sirius had tried to defend himself in the beginning, but he shut down fast and hard. Remus doubted he even heard a word Marlene had said since minute five. Every so often, Marlene would ask, “do you understand me, Black? Do you know what all this means?” and Sirius would nod, minutely. His eyes were somewhere else entirely.

"You might think you're hot shit now, Black, but you're so utterly replaceable. If you want this, you better start acting like it."

Marlene slammed her hand down on the desk and Sirius flinched severely, as if he had been struck himself. 

“Okay,” Remus said calmly but forcefully. “You can stop now.”

“Excuse me?” Marlene turned sharply ready to bear down all her wrath on Remus, but Remus was ready to take it.

“He gets it. He fucked up. You yelling at him isn’t going to change the past.” Remus refused to look away from Marlene’s death glare.

“He needs to understand the consequences.”

“And those consequences, the ones you haven’t already yelled in his face, can be laid out in a professionally worded email. Until then, we are going to go home and enjoy our evening.” Remus stood up.

“We’re not done here,” Marlene said.

“We are,” Remus said fiercely. He went to move to the door, the rest of the Marauders, save Sirius, stood up as well.

“You walk out that door, Mr. Lupin, and there will be consequences.”

“And I’ll be happy to find out about them in an email,” Remus said with a sharp smile. He held open the door as Peter and James (who had managed to coax a silent Sirius up and out of his seat) filed out to the hall. 

Once they had left, Remus looked at Marlene, “I know he's an asshole, but you might want to consider why someone might run away from home from the one richest families in the country at age 16.”

Marlene went to say something but Remus just raised his hand, “I’m not making excuses for him. I’m just saying there are better ways to talk to him about this stuff,” and with that Remus closed the door.

-

No one talked the entire ride home. It was a tense silence that seemed to suffocate any sound, only the radio playing pop music lightly through the speakers, its upbeat lyrics contrasting the strained mood of the passengers.

They arrived at Remus’ street first and as they pulled up, Sirius started to unbuckle his seat belt. James gave him a strange look.

“Hey, Sirius,” Peter said cautiously, “This isn’t your flat.”

“I know,” Sirius said numbly. 

Remus acted like this had been the plan all along. “Thanks for the ride, James,” Remus said and walked out of the car, expecting Sirius to follow, which he did silently.

When they got inside, Sirius just sat on Remus’ bed staring out at nothing. Remus took his clear liquor out of the cabinet and poured two shots. He walked over and handed one to Sirius, who took it straight and then handed back the empty shot glass. Remus downed his quick, set the glasses on the counter, and sat down next to him on the bed.

Remus took out his pack of cigarettes, lit one and handed it to Sirius, before lighting one up for himself. Remus took a long drag, “Wanna talk about it?”

“Not really.” Sirius had disappeared into his head. Remus knew what those places were like, both comforting and terrifying.

“Okay,” he responded. Remus let the silence fall. He wasn’t going to pull Sirius out of it until he was ready.

But Remus was in his own home and needed something to do with his hands so he grabbed his guitar and started strumming.

“You should really buy a new one,” Sirius murmured.

“I’ve been thinking about it. But I don’t know… I like that it’s a little broken.” The guitar was more than a little broken. It had duct-taped edges and several of the tuning keys were too stiff. 

“That’s very Remus of you,” Sirius said. “You like broken things.”

Sirius was looking at him and Remus saw the implication and people . “Yeah, that’s true,” Remus said. He kept his eyes on Sirius’. “I think they deserve second chances.”

Sirius broke eye contact with him and took a drag of his cigarette. Remus went back to strumming, his mind forming the beginnings of a song. He started singing it softly aloud.

You're tired now, lie down

I'll be waitin' to give you the good news

It might take patience

Sirius listened silently. His eyes were closed as if trying to take in the fullness of the music.

And when you wake up, it won't be over

So don't you give up

Remus didn’t know where the lyrics were coming from but it wasn’t unsurprising. Remus always processed things through music. This was no different.

We've got the time to take the world

And make it better than it ever was

That's what they'll say about us

Sirius had opened his eyes and was staring vulnerable at Remus. “Did you just write that now?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Remus said quietly.

“Christ Moony,” Sirius responded. “You always make things so…” He fell back onto the bed and covered his eyes with his arm.

Remus laid down next to him. “So what?”

“Complicated," he said. "But simple too.”

“I have no idea what that means,” Remus said softly.

Sirius dropped his arm and looked at Remus, “You really don’t?” His voice was straining for some kind of understanding that Remus just couldn’t give him. 

“Explain it to me.”

Sirius sighed and looked up at the cracked ceiling. “My mother had many expectations. We mustn’t slouch or stutter. You can not run or yell. You must at all times behave in a manner befitting the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black. We were never allowed a toe out of line, or even a bit of freedom. We weren’t supposed to associate with those of the 'lower classes.' We were never supposed to question our duty to the family. So you can imagine how much they loved me.” 

Remus could only see his face in profile - a tightened jaw and eyes that refused to meet his own.

“My mother had a very specific type of discipline. It was a lot of yelling and shaming and a reminder of what a stain I was on our noble name and undeserving and ungrateful and…” Sirius took a deep breath. “It was always more than that too. Ever since we were kids, it was rulers on knuckles or slaps on the face. Days without food or even acknowledgment of our existence. I always used to steal food for Reggie back then.” Regulus, his brother. A faint smile played on his lips for just a moment before fading back to a hard line. 

“When we got older and it was clear her methods were not working, at least not on me. Regulus was another story. She tried out something new.” He took Remus’ hand and traced a singular straight line on it. A small clean cut like the ones Remus saw on Sirius’ back.

“I should’ve left the first time she did it, but I don’t know. I was young. Things were really crazy back then. My dad had some mistress and there was constant screaming, and I couldn’t leave Regulus in that environment.” Sirius paused as if trying to breathe a last breath of air. 

“I guess I thought that if I was better behaved or things with father calmed down that I would be safe. Pretty dumb thought looking back on it,” Sirius let out a humorless laugh.

Remus took Sirius’ hand in his own. He didn’t have the words to comfort him but he hoped his touch would help. Sirius didn’t let go.

“So the day I left for good - I mean, you know the half of it already but whatever - my father had just returned from a supposed business trip that we all knew was a farce and my mother was furious but keeping face because my shitty cousin Bellatrix was over. And Bella asked who my friends were at school and I told her and she went on this big rant about how I needed to find better company and how I was embarrassing the family, etc etc. Things I’d all heard before.

“And then Bellatrix went on this whole thing about how I was dressed and my hair and mannerisms and she said to my mother, ‘You better be careful, you’re turning him into a queer.’ And something in my mother just snapped. Bellatrix couldn’t tell, but I’d walked eggshells around this woman enough to know that I was in for it later.

“So, Bellatrix leaves and the moment it is over, my mother calls a family meeting in the drawing-room and she forces me to stand in the middle of the room as she berates me about decorum and appearance and how she didn’t raise me for such a life and other awful things in front of my father and Reggie. And then she took out her knife, on the pretense of cutting my hair but I just knew what would happen, so I ran. She’s screaming at me the whole time, and at this point, I had had an escape bag packed for months, so I just grabbed it and booked it. 

“And just as I’m about to go out the side door, Regulus appears and he’s crying and I’m crying and he just stands there and says, “Please stay. You can’t leave me here with them,” and I could hear my mother getting closer and I knew I had to get away so I said, “I love you, Reggie, but no fucking way,” and then I ran out the door and that was the last time I saw my brother.”

Sirius stopped speaking and let the silence fall, interrupted only by his deep breathes. Remus didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think there was something you even could say to a story like that. A few tears ran down Sirius’ face but it was clear he was trying not to cry. Remus squeezed Sirius’ hand.

“I’m sorry,” Remus said to him. 

Sirius just shook his head, “We’ve all got our pasts.”

“Still, it’s fucked.”

Sirius let out a laugh while tears were streaming down his cheek, “That’s the best you can do for comfort, ‘that’s fucked?’’

Remus just smiled back, “I never said I was any good. You’re the one who keeps banging down my door.”

They stared at each other for a moment with teary eyes against soft smiles. “Just...thank you,” Sirius said.

“For what?”

“Listening, understanding.”

Remus finally understood what Sirius was trying to say earlier. Whatever was going on between them, as hard as it was for Remus, it was a thousand times more complex for Sirius.

“Of course,” Remus said. “What are friends for?”

-

The email of consequences never came. When they got to the office on Monday, Marlene acted like nothing happened and just jumped right into last-minute tour preparations.

The tour was to begin on Thursday and they would be getting their very own bus to take them from location to location. For the next month and a half, they would be at venues that hold anywhere from 500 to 1500 people.  With the tour so close, there were a lot of last-minute details to be sorted out and by the end of the day, Remus just wanted to fall asleep forever. He just wanted to be on tour already, but he couldn't make time go any faster.

The meetings were dull, unbelievably dull. Peter actually didn’t seem to mind the bureaucracy. He actually thrived in meetings and looking at charts of marketing demographics. But it was rotting Remus’ mind. He needed to do something - go on a run or scream from the rooftops. 

“Wanna have a jam session?” Remus asked when the four of them were released on lunch break.

“Only if we can smoke,” Sirius replied. He had been bouncing his legs the entirety of morning, growing restless with sitting all day.

“I don’t know guys,” Peter said. “I’m kind of hungry.”

Sirius rolled his eyes but James hit him and said, “You two go on ahead. Pete and I will go get some food.”

Sirius didn't need to be told twice. He gestured for Remus to follow and they headed down to the studio to borrow some instruments. It was busy, but Remus was still able to get a guitar and Sirius grabbed some drumsticks and an industrial bucket. Remus shot him a quizzical look but Sirius carried on like it was completely normal.

Remus wanted to go to the roof, but in a building that was over a hundred meters tall, it wasn’t likely. Instead, he found an empty concrete deck that was a least 20 stories up. It was the highest Remus had ever been. He leaned over the edge and felt the wind on his face and heard the incessant noise of traffic in the street below. Sirius had started drumming out a beat on the bucket with his phone recording against the wall. 

“You’re really going to record this after all the trouble you got in last time?” Remus asked.

Sirius shot him a mischievous grin, “Nothing stops me.”

“Clearly.” Remus sat down next to him and started playing some chords.

“Plus,” Sirius added, “If we play something good - and knowing your creative genius, we probably will - we can remake it later.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You flatter me, Black.”

Sirius smiled but didn’t respond. Just started his drumming again and Remus found some chord progressions that he liked. Eventually, Sirius stopped playing with drum sticks and was hitting the bucket with his hands, making softer sounds and letting Remus’ guitar overpower it. Remus had to admit, the bucket didn't sound half bad.

In the video that Sirius later posted to Twitter (with explicit permission from both Remus and Marlene this time), the two of them sat like this making music and looking off into the London skyline. Remus began making up some lyrics as he played, the night with Sirius' confession still fresh in his mind.

But I need to understand

When I can power through

And when I need some help from you

Remus was making a conscious effort not to look at Sirius, partly because this was being filmed but also because he didn't want to see Sirius' face when he was actively singing about him. B ut Sirius had no such issue. He stared openly as Remus sang out his words.

When I should stand my ground

And when I need to just sit down

The video was later viewed more than a million times with people on the internet dissecting every moment, trying to find its hidden meanings, and overanalyzing every glance between them. No moment more than this one, when Remus looked over at Sirius for just a moment and then sang:

I hope that he

Looks at me and thinks "shit, he's so pretty"

Something I can't believe

To their fans, it was proof that Sirius and Remus were together, or at least that Remus was in love with Sirius. Of course, there was a whole different sector of the fandom that thought the song was about Christopher Barley or some other person. Marlene had given them strict instructions not to correct them, and allow the speculation.

The video gained them thousands of new followers and if the rest of the band thought there was any truth to the rumors, they politely didn’t mention it. Even Marlene just gave them a quick, “good job,” and went back to talking about the tour. Remus was certainly not brave enough to bring it up, especially not around the one person who mattered most, the one who kept stealing glances at him during their meetings.

-

With the tour quickly approaching, Remus finally forced himself to pack. It shouldn't be a hard thing; he didn't own much besides some sweaters, jeans, and a shit ton of books. But still, he didn't find himself particularly excited about it, which is why he was glad when he was interrupted by a knock at the door.

By now Remus had memorized Sirius’ knock - it was long and ridiculous like Remus' flat was some kind of illegal club that required a complex passcode.  “It’s open,” Remus yelled.

“You really shouldn’t leave your door unlocked in this neighborhood.”

“Oh no, someone will come in and steal my flip phone,” Remus replied sarcastically. He turned to face Sirius who looked amazing. He was dressed up more formally than usual with sleek black dress pants and a tight red button-up that hugged his chest. “What are you all dressed up for?”

“Just had a date with a Mary,” Sirius said as he started making himself a drink. He had long since had Remus’ kitchen layout memorized. “My last date, I should say.”

“You broke up with her?” Remus asked. He pushed his suitcase onto the ground and sat on his bed. 

“Yeah,” Sirius said. He didn’t seem particularly upset about it. “I mean we agreed on this a while back.”

Sirius handed Remus a drink, which he took gratefully. “How’d the date go?”

“It was lovely, really lovely,” Sirius replied but his voice was distant. “Bittersweet, you know. I should be sad it’s over, but honestly, I just feel free.”

Sirius sat down on the bed with Remus. It was casual, as he had dozens of times before, but it felt different. They were friends, yes, but with Mary gone, there was nothing stopping Remus from closing the distance between them.

Except, of course, the fact that Sirius still claimed he was straight. (Whether that was true or not, Remus didn't allow himself to think). Not to mention, if it went wrong he would still have to tour with him for another month and a half. He was literally contractually obligated to stay with the band no matter what went down. Remus could not fuck this up. 

“Is this any good?” Sirius had picked up a copy of some tattered book from a pile strewn across Remus’ limited floor space.

“Don’t know. Never read it.”

Sirius started flipping through its pages. Half of his face was lit up by Remus’ lamp, highlighting his beautiful face in a dim glow. Remus forced himself not to stare. “Are you going to bring your books on tour?” Sirius asked.

“Definitely. I’ve gotta keep myself occupied on the long car rides.”

“I’m not going to be enough entertainment for you?” Sirius joked. 

Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m sure James will have his hands full controlling you.”

“Hey, I’m my own man. No one controls Sirius Orion Black.” He wore a devilish grin that let you know he believed it.

Remus just shook his head and went back to packing, “Whatever you say, mate.”

Sirius watched as Remus fit his meager belongings into the suitcase. He had finished his drink quite quickly but had yet to make himself another. Instead, Sirius was constantly moving around - picking up a book to just put it down again, drumming his fingers against his leg, even throwing shit at Remus to distract him.

“You know you could help,” Remus said after another novella hit his arm.

“Nah, it’s much more fun watching you,” Sirius replied.

Remus rolled his eyes and went back to packing but he could Sirius’ gaze on him the whole time. The room should have been silent, but Remus’ apartment never truly was quiet. His neighbors next door were loudly watching a sporting event and their shouts carried through the walls with every play.  Sounds of the street drifted in through the window that never quite closed properly - loud cars playing rap music, street dogs barking their heads off, laughter from couples on the street. The city was so alive and Remus couldn’t imagine leaving it. Those sounds grounded him, told him he was still breathing.

“How do you ever get any sleep here?” Sirius asked. Remus imagined his posh bedroom had always been deathly silent.

“I like the noise. It quiets my thoughts,” Remus replied. Sirius looked at him skeptically, so Remus added, “Don’t you ever want to escape your own mind?”

“All the time,” Sirius said. Sirius could be so unself-conscious and this was one of those times. He stared at Remus unapologetically, like he was a piece of art and not a person. Remus tried to ignore it, but he could never ignore Sirius. All those moments that he brushed aside, the stares, the touches, the words, they all cumulate into an answer Remus couldn't believe.

A quietness threatened to descend, but Sirius was drumming his fingers loudly against the wall. "You're going to annoy the neighbors," Remus commented, not particularly caring if he did or not.

"Sorry," Sirius said and stopped, but immediately started bouncing his leg. Remus wanted to point it out, but he doubted it would've helped. Remus went back to folding his sweater but when he glanced back at Sirius, he found the boy already staring back at him. Remus just raised an eyebrow, a silent question on his face. “How did you know you were gay?” Sirius asked.

Remus almost dropped the sweater he was holding. This kind of question was never just hypothetical. “I don’t know,” Remus replied, trying to continue packing like this question didn’t change everything. “A lot of little things, I guess.”

Remus expected Sirius to drop it but his gaze continued to seek out Remus’ answers. "Like what?" His voice was trying to sound casual but Remus caught the tension in his jaw. 

“When I was a kid, my mum loved music,” Remus said. “And her favorites were Freddie Mercury and Elton John. When they would come on the telly, my mum and I were obsessed. I wanted to be just like them. I think my mum always knew what that meant.”

“I wish I could’ve met her,” Sirius said earnestly. He sat with his legs crossed like a little kid. He's so young, Remus thought, though he knew they were the same age.

“Yeah, she was great.” Remus stopped packing and sat back on the bed facing Sirius. “But, back to your original question, looking back it’s easy to point at things like that now. But back then, I didn’t have a clue. Everyone else seemed to know I was gay before I did,” Remus said with a laugh and Sirius gave him a small smile. 

“So, I’m 14 and I’m hanging out with this boy from the neighborhood. Cute and rebellious, you know the type. We were best friends one summer and we had broken into this abandoned factory. He was teaching me how to do graffiti and he was much better than I ever was, so most of the time, I was just watching him." 

It was a nice memory. It had been a really good summer, one filled with new friendships. His father had even managed to come home for a few weeks of it. Sometimes Remus wished he could just go back to that summer, where he didn't have to worry about anything but the cute boy beside him.

"And so this boy finished the piece he’d been working on and sat down next to me and asked what I thought. I said it was beautiful because it was and then he looked at me and just kissed me and I spent the next few months dating him and figuring out what that meant for me.”

“Where’s this boy now?” Sirius asked.

“Oh, I don’t know,” Remus said. “I moved around a lot as a kid and we lost touch. I think I heard a rumor that he’s in jail now or something. He had always kind of run with the bad crowd.” Remus wondered if Sirius ever knew anyone in prison or anyone who broke the law at all. Maybe he did, but it was likely crimes of the rich - embezzlement, fraud - instead of the crimes of necessity that Remus knew - theft, drugs.

"Didn't he run with you?" Sirius pointed out.

"Exactly," Remus smirked. "I'm not the quiet nerd everyone thinks I am."  

Sirius laughed lightly but the air was still thick with Sirius' questions. “Do you miss him?” Sirius asked.

Remus huffed out a laugh. “It was almost ten years ago now. I don’t think about it.”

“But still, he’s your first love, isn’t he? The one that changed everything?” Sirius was looking at him for answers like a priest searching in the auguries. Remus wasn't sure he could give them.

“Why are you asking these questions, Padfoot?” Remus asked quietly.

“I just want to find out more about you," Sirius said as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Aren’t I allowed to do that?” Sirius' voice was louder than it had been as if overcompensating for the truth.

“Is that really all it is?” Remus leveled his gaze at Sirius, refusing to back down.

“What else would it be?” Sirius’ voice had a sharp edge to it.

The two of them stared at each other. Remus, who knew what this meant, and Sirius, too proud or too scared to admit it.

Remus sighed, “Look Sirius, I can’t force you to confront anything within yourself that you don’t want to, but straight people don't ask me these kinds of questions .”

“I’m not gay,” Sirius cut in.

“So you’ve said,” Remus replied quickly, “on several occasions in a multiplicity of different ways. No one is calling you anything. I’m just saying that I’ve been there and I know.” 

“You don’t know shit," Sirius' expression had grown dark.

“Clearly,” Remus sighed, more than a little pissed off. He was not the right person for this. Maybe Oliver would know just the right words to say and comfort Sirius into calm contemplation. But Remus didn’t know how to do that and arguing with him was a better alternative to what he really wanted to do - kiss Sirius senseless and make him reconcile the consequences.

But he didn’t do any of that. He stood from the bed and went back to packing, or really, just stared at rolled-up pants and shirts instead of Sirius. They were silent for a long time. Remus expected Sirius to storm off like he had last time, but he just remained staring daggers into an empty space in the wall.

“If I was…” Sirius started and then stopped himself.

Remus turned to look at him. If Remus hadn’t known Sirius to be one fearless son of a bitch, he would think Sirius almost looked afraid. “Yes?” 

“If I was gay,” Sirius started again. “You’d understand why I couldn’t…why I can’t...I just...”

Sirius' stuttering and stopping were completely foreign to Remus. It was painful to watch someone as eloquent as Sirius Black stumble over his words.

“It’s okay, Sirius,” Remus said. “No one expects anything from you.”

“I just can’t,” Sirius said.

“You don’t have to figure this out all right now.” They were practically talking over each other, both of them giving each other a way back down from whatever line they could cross.

Sirius stood up, frustrated by his own lack of language. “I just don’t know what I want.” He was looking directly at Remus. His gaze flickered from Remus' eyes to his lips and back up. 

“No one is asking you to,” Remus whispered into the air between them. 

Sirius stepped forward and reached his hands to either side of Remus’ face. “You understand, don’t you?”

Remus was focused on every part of Sirius. His rough touch on Remus' cheeks, his searching blue eyes, the stands of black hair falling over his face. Everything felt so fragile.

“I don’t,” Remus replied, his throat hoarse.

A decision crossed over Sirius' face. He pulled Remus down to his level and pressed their lips together. The kiss was soft and chaste but Remus was completely overwhelmed. He deepened the kiss and became intoxicated with the taste of Sirius' mouth on his tongue.

Sirius pulled back for a moment. “We can’t tell anyone,” he breathed. It was a red flag and one that Remus promptly ignored. He didn’t care about anything besides getting back to kissing Sirius.

“So then we don’t tell anyone,” Remus replied and kissed him again, devouring all that Sirius' would let him. The world did not exist outside this room, outside tonight.

He pressed his hands against Sirius’ chest and pushed him onto the mattress. He knew they should slow down. They should talk about what this meant, about what they are. But everything within Remus was telling him to keep going.

Sirius sat on the bed and Remus climbed into his lap, kissing his lips, his cheek, his jaw. “Is this okay?” he whispered into Sirius’ ear.

“God yes,” was a breathy reply. “Don’t stop.”  So Remus didn’t.

He let his hands travel through Sirius’ hair, grabbing it roughly to keep Sirius in place. Sirius looked up at him through his eyelashes, wide blue eyes blown out with desire.

Remus held nothing back. He kissed Sirius until his lips were bitten bright red, the sweet taste of his tongue danced in his mouth. Sirius’ hands slid under Remus’ sweater traveling over the warm skin below.

Sirius’ hands found the edges of Remus’ shirt, “Can I?” Sirius breathed. Remus gave a nod not trusting himself with speech.

Sirius began to pull off Remus’ shirt, but Remus grew impatient and did it himself. Sirius quickly did the same. The cold air brushed against his skin, but Sirius’ hands were on him again soon. Sirius began pressing kisses to Remus’ neck. They started out soft and wet but soon Sirius bared his teeth and left a trail of deep red spots tingling from where his bite had left them.

Remus found himself wanting more and pushed Sirius down onto the bed so he was lying under him. He took the moment to admire Sirius’ body openly as he had never been allowed to before. Warm golden skin stretched tight against the muscles of his chest. He knew it so well, the way Sirius' arms had enough strength to carry a symphony and the fresh tattoo on his shoulder, yet it all felt so beautiful and new.

Remus surged forward and laid his attack on Sirius’ neck, giving payback for every hickey Sirius had left him. He moved down, trailing his mouth across his collarbone and his chest, slowing moving himself downwards.

“Wait,” Sirius breathed out. Remus instantly stilled and looked up at him. “Can we just...” he was breathing heavily and Remus felt a bit of pride knowing he was the reason. “Can we slow down?”

“Of course,” Remus said. He pulled himself to be eye level with Sirius. His body was over top of Sirius' and the warmth of Sirius' body pressed again his own. “What do you want to do?”

Sirius's eyes raked over Remus’ body. He brought one hand up to Remus’ chest and another to the back of his neck. He pulled him down into a series of soft, slow kisses. “Just this,” he whispered onto Remus’ lips.

Remus gave him a small smile, “This is nice.” 

They lazily made out for hours, letting the night pass by them. At some point, they weren’t even making out anymore, just laying on each other and making idle conversation to fill the room’s air. Remus had never felt so comfortable or so safe.

“These are beautiful, you know,” Sirius said, his fingers tracing the vast white scars that hacked their way across Remus’ back. He didn't usually like it when people touched them, but Sirius did it with such reverence, that Remus couldn't find it in himself to mind.

“Hmmm,” Remus hummed contently, lifting his head off Sirius’ shoulder to get a better view of his face in the moonlight. He didn’t know how someone so gorgeous was in his rundown little flat.

Despite it all, a question was gnawing its way through Remus’ brain, one that threatened to shatter the delicate air around them. But he knew it had to be asked. “What are we, Sirius?”

Just as he predicted, Sirius froze up as if any move would make it all fall apart. “I don’t know,” he stammered. “I guess… like a friends with benefits type thing. I mean, you know, just this is casual, right?”

“Yeah, okay,” Remus said and watched as the tension started to flood from Sirius’ face. “Just wanted to be on the same page.” Remus let his head drop back to Sirius’ shoulder and Sirius resumed tracing the scars on Remus’ skin.

Remus didn’t know when, but at some point they fell asleep without even realizing it. It was the first time Remus had ever been able to do that.

-

The next morning, they woke up to the sound of the couple next door engaging in a screaming match. Remus blearily lifted himself from Sirius’ chest. Neither of them were wearing shirts, but Remus still had on his jeans from yesterday.

As he sat up and checked his phone, Sirius rubbed a hand against his eyes, “Sorry, didn’t mean to fall asleep here.”

There were two missed texts from Lily about some work drama but nothing else.

“It’s okay,” Remus replied. “It was nice.”

Sirius nodded. Remus expected him to be self-conscious or completely freaked. He expected the spell of last night to be broken under the realities of the morning sun, but he seemed completely at peace in Remus’ bed.

There was a shatter on the other side of the wall, like someone had thrown a plate against it. “They’re really going at it, aren’t they?”

“Yeah, they’re like that. Don’t worry, they’ll make up with extremely loud sex later.”

Sirius snorted and then started searching around for his shirt. “What time do we have to be at the studio?”

“We have the day off,” Remus replied. “Last one for the next month and a half.”

Sirius instantly stopped trying to find his shirt and smiled a cheshire cat grin, “sounds lovely.” He leaned in and gave Remus a long kiss. “Breakfast?”

Remus had done friends with benefits before and it never felt like this. Not even with Oliver, someone he was closest to in the world. Remus could keep sex and friendship separate, but he already knew he couldn’t with Sirius, not when he kissed him like that, and gave him that soft smile he never showed anyone else.

And he was so beautiful. He was beautiful when he was lying half-naked under him and he was beautiful now, lamenting Remus for his lack of breakfast options. His hair was an absolute mess, pulled up into a bun with flyaways everywhere. His neck and chest were covered in bruises and Remus liked knowing he was the one that put them there.

Sirius caught Remus’ look and raised his eyebrows in a way that said, Like what you see?

Everything between them felt so new, like a game where they were both figuring out the rules. 

“Ugh, you have nothing to eat. Want to go to a cafe?” Sirius asked. 

Just then, Remus got a text from James, Have you seen Sirius? He hasn’t been home since rehearsal yesterday .

“Hello? Earth to Moony?” Sirius asked, waving his hand in front of Remus.

“Sorry, James just texted me, but yeah. Cafe sounds good.” Eating breakfast with your hookup was definitely more than casual but Remus didn’t care. He would be as close as Sirius let him.

“What did Prongsie want?” Sirius asked.

“Wants to know where you’ve been.”

Sirius smirked, “What are you gonna tell him?”

“That we drank too much last night and you crashed here,” Remus responded as he typed it out.

Sirius nodded, “Pretty good lie.”

“The best lies are half-truths,” Remus repeated a mantra he’d learned years ago. “Could be avoided if you had just told James where you’re going.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” Sirius said but Remus just gave him a look that said cut the bullshit . “He just overreacts. He always thinks I’m about to jump off a cliff if I don’t text him every two minutes.”

Regardless of whether that was the whole truth or not, Sirius clearly didn’t want to talk about it and it was too early for Remus to press him on it. 

“So, cafe?” Remus asked. 

Sirius gave him a blinding smile, one that made Remus’ stomach do flips. “Cafe.”

-

The next morning was the first day of the tour and so they all packed their bags into James’ car and drove to Phoenix Records where their bus was waiting for them. Marlene was already out front, making sure everything was going smoothly.

“Alright boys, leave your bags here. I’ll give you the tour.”

The bus itself was huge - double-decker and twice the size of Remus’ shoebox flat. The first floor had a kitchenette, a bathroom, and a lounge/dining area complete with a TV. There was also a door that led to the driver’s room but Marlene was very clear that they do not disturb Richard under any circumstances.

The second floor had a closet and three sets of bunks, which Sirius and James immediately rushed to start claiming the coffin-sized beds. Remus just counted himself lucky that he wasn’t claustrophobic. The beds were tiny little things, one stacked on top of another with only a curtain for separation from the outside world. 

Sirius and James claimed top bunks across from each other. “Moony, take the one below me,” Sirius commanded and Remus rolled his eyes but dropped his stuff on the bed. Peter took the one below James. There was another set of bunks which Marlene’s stuff was on.

“Wait, you’re coming with us?” Peter asked.

“Have you paid attention in literally any meeting, Pete?” Sirius replied.

Marlene politely ignored all of this and ushered them into another lounge space on the top floor. Unlike downstairs, this lounge had huge windows to let in the sun and had wall-to-wall couches which Sirius dramatically threw himself upon like a child exploring a new room. His joy was easy and bright. Once he had settled, he caught Remus’ eye and smiled.

“Alright, everyone. Sit down. I’m setting the ground rules,” Marlene commanded. James and Peter sat down immediately like the teacher had just called the class to begin.

Remus sat down next to Sirius on the couch and Sirius pressed his legs against Remus’. It was unnoticeable to anyone else, but Remus knew what it meant. It was like their own secret language - a hello and a remember the other night? and a I'm looking forward to later all wrapped in one. Remus liked having a secret. He had so many and this was his first that made him smile.

“I’ve done more of these tours than any of you so listen up. These are very important. 1) Do not leave the bus without telling anyone. We aren’t leaving anyone behind because you wanted snacks at 4am. 2) Keep this place clean. Neither I nor the driver Richard are your maid. 3) The bunks are quiet places. Do not talk on the phone or to each other. With that in mind 4) Quiet hours after 2 am. We all need our rest. 5) Ask permission before bringing anyone home. I’m looking at you, Black.”

Black put his hands up in surrender, “I’m not that bad.”

“Yes, you are,” James said. “Wanna talk about what’s on your neck?”

Remus let out a laugh and quickly covered his mouth with his hands. Remus had been smart enough to wear a turtleneck - nothing out of the ordinary for his sweater-filled wardrobe. But Sirius’ leather jacket proudly displayed all his hickeys.

Marlene was not amused, “We’ll get you some makeup for that Black. You have an interview later.”

Remus was actively using all his mental energy to keep his face neutral and not break out into a fit of laughter. Clearly, no one suspected a thing, which only made Remus smugger.

“Settle yourselves in. This will be your home for the next month and a half. You all are dismissed.” Marlene turned and left the room like a drill sergeant finished giving their commands.

“I’m gonna go load up the fridge,” James said.

“If I see a single kale leaf, I’m quitting the band,” Sirius shouted after him.

“Healthy body, healthy mind, Padfoot!” James said as he disappeared downstairs.

“He’s going to kill me,” Sirius said to Remus.

“He definitely will not,” Remus replied. “But speaking of things that will kill you, wanna go have a smoke?” Sirius' face lit up in a grin.

The two of them waved bye to Peter, who was getting on the phone with Desdemona, and they found a relatively secluded alleyway. Remus pulled out a cigarette for Sirius and him and lit it.

It was strange being alone with Sirius now. Everything had an edge to it, every glance or brushing of hands sparked new excitement and danger in Remus’ mind. At least before he knew where the line was, now it was all confused in the best possible way.

“Are you excited to be rooming with James and Peter again?” Remus asked. 

“The adult part of me wants to say no, but that would be a lie.” Sirius breathed out a stream of smoke. “Do I want to hear Peter make cooing noises to Desdemona over the phone? Of course not. But we had some crazy antics.”

“Lily said you were pranksters.”

“Oh, we were,” Sirius said with a smirk. “Best that school had ever seen. One time we stole every teacher’s chair before school and put them in the swimming pool. The three of us got detention for two months.” 

“Oh that's not that bad," Remus said.

"And you can do better, Mr. Lupin?" Sirius taunted.

"I sure can, Mr. Black," Remus blew a breath of smoke into Sirius' face just to be a dick. "At my high school, I organized a bunch of people for a ‘community art project’ where we painted the windows. We told the school it was going to be a say something like dumb like ‘learn’ or ‘peace’ or something. Instead, we painted the words ‘Fuck You’ at least 9 meters high.”

“What!” Sirius exclaimed. His jaw had completely dropped as he stared at Remus.

“Yeah. And we did it with permanent paint too so they had to scrape it all off.”

“Did you get in trouble?”

“Me? Of course not. I was the quiet nerd who read Greek classics for fun. As far as the school knew, I was a model student.” 

“You’ve been holding out on me, Remus Lupin," Sirius said with a playful glint in his eye. "I don’t even know who you are anymore.”

Sirius reached out and messed with the collar on Remus’ sweater. His eyes flicked up to meet Remus’ and Remus couldn’t handle it any longer. He pressed his lips to Sirius’, placing two hands on the sides of his neck. Instantly, Sirius' mouth opened for Remus and Remus held satisfaction that he was allowed to do this. He could kiss Sirius whenever he wanted and Sirius would kiss him back.

“Black! Lupin! Time to go!” Marlene’s voice called out. Remus stepped away from Sirius and for just a moment he got a glimpse of Sirius still reaching out for him, half-dazed from the kiss.

“Be there in a minute!” Remus yelled back. 

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and looked back at Remus, “Fuck.” If Sirius' bitten-red lips were anything to go by, they looked a bit disheveled.

He reached up for Remus again but Remus pulled out of his embrace. “We have to go,” he whispered.

Sirius grabbed him again and pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. “Fine,” he said. He always had to have the last word.

When the two of them arrived at the bus, James was already there with a turned-up nose. “God, you two stink!” James said. Sirius looked a bit sheepish but Remus didn’t give a single shit.

“Come on, boys. Let’s hit the road.” Marlene said and closed the bus door.

Remus sat down and glanced at Sirius from across the room where he was actively engaging in some debate with Peter and James. Sensing Remus' eyes on him, Sirius glanced over and gave Remus a wink before joining back in on the conversation. Remus  was so far gone already.

But it seemed like Sirius was too.

Notes:

a lil angst, a lil fluff. who knows what'll happen in the next chapter? I certainly don't. i do be writing this shit as i go, so like yall can suggest things if u want. i might not take them but i enjoy feedback. (i also need to redo these chapter titles lmao)

also leave kudos if u like it!! thank u for making it this far!!

here is my tumblr!

Chapter 10: the tour begins

Notes:

Songs in this chapter:

Night Changes by One Direction

The band reached their first town by midday and immediately were ushered into a radio interview. Remus had never been inside a radio station before and he was shocked by the mundanity of it all. He didn't know what he expected - flashing lights or cool designs - but by the looks of it, it was just a normal office building with a recording studio in it.

They were there to promote the tour and the upcoming album, which meant that Remus was likely going to be asked about Christopher Barley.

“If they ask what you think of him, say that you are a big fan and you really love his work and all that, crap” Marlene coached him before the interview began.

“And if they ask if we dated?” 

“Tell the truth, but be polite about it. Spin it all in a good light.”

“So not the truth then,” Sirius grumbled.

“Play nice,” Marlene chastised. “Christopher Barley has given us a lot of press.”

“How generous,” Sirius said under his breath but soon the radio host was ushering them into the studio. There was a lot of handshaking and niceties which Remus had never been great at, unlike the other boys who all soared with easy smiles and a professional atmosphere. Remus just sat in his seat and waited for the interview to begin, already wishing it was over.

He was sat next to Sirius who immediately whispered into his ear, “Are you excited?”

Remus mouthed, ‘nervous,’ and Sirius gave his shoulder a squeeze. Unbeknownst to them, a video of the whole thing was being live-streamed to the internet and their numbers were climbing higher and higher. The video of the interview - which immediately was shared by thousands on Twitter - was this:

“Alright everyone,” the announcer began. “I want to welcome to the studio today the Marauders. They are a new band coming out of London and starting their first-ever tour. Welcome guys.”

“Thank you so much for having us,” James responded.

“So tell me a little about this band. How did it start?”

James launched into the whole story. Remus wasn’t even sure if he had ever heard it before. 

“So me, Peter, and Sirius all went to school together and we were all roommates,” James started.

“It was a wild dorm,” Sirius interjected.

“Yeah, absolutely crazy. So one day when we were like 14, Sirius was practicing piano and I was singing along, making up words as I go.”

“Oh so Sirius, you actually play the piano?” The radio host asked.

“Yeah, but drums are my true love,” Sirius answered with a smile.

“So, Peter comes down the stairs and hears us and says - ” James gestured to Peter.

“We should start a band,” Peter added.

“And the Marauders was born,” James said with a smile.

“And when did you join, Remus?” The radio host turned to him.

Remus fidgeted with the end of his sweater. It was an easy question but Remus still felt like he was going to say something wrong.

“It was only a few months ago. The boys were playing a show at the place I was bartending at. Afterward, Sirius came up to me and asked if I knew anyone who played bass.”

“You’re leaving out the part where you threatened to kick our asses if we didn’t get out,” Sirius added. He spoke it to Remus directly with his arm behind the other boy’s chair.

“I did not threaten you,” Remus responded with a mischievous smile.

“I felt threatened,” Sirius responded.

“Why were you threatening them?” the radio host asked, drawing Remus’ attention away from Sirius’ smiles.

“They were just causing a bit of a scene,” Remus said vaguely. He didn’t know the story with their old bassist but Remus was sure they didn’t want to divulge it publicly.

"We've always been troublemakers," Sirius added.

“And so, your first single, ‘Snow,’ what is that about?”

“It’s about that time near the end of a relationship where you're just constantly fighting and making up and then breaking up all over again," Remus anwered. "And it becomes an extremely toxic cycle, but yet you still care about them.”

“And this song is about Christopher Barley?” 

Behind him, Sirius’ arm moved from the back of Remus’ chair to cross over his chest. Remus could see the muscles in his jaw tense despite the fact that Remus was the one handling all the questions.

“In some ways. It’s not about any specific memory but I take inspiration from things around me, so there are definite influences about my relationship with Chris in this.”

“Alright, well this has been the Marauders with their new single ‘Snow.’ If you want to see them live, you can catch their tour tonight at the Forest Theater.”

The audio cut out but the video stayed on as the song played. Sirius leaned over and whispered to Remus, “First interview over. How do you feel?”

Remus mouthed the word, “strange” and Sirius laughed. It was a beautiful sound the internet was never allowed to hear.

By the time they were back on the bus, clips of it were already being passed around Twitter by the thousands. Marlene was on the phone with their publicist Dorcas but when they walked by, she pulled the phone away from her face for a quick moment, “Good job boys. Rest up before the show.”

Twitter was going absolutely crazy. Clips of Remus and Sirius were captioned as “proof,” while Remus’ words about Christopher already had three different gossip columns about it. Remus didn’t have a phone to see all this of course, but Peter and James were giving them constant updates.

“Oh guys listen to this one,” James read out from his phone. "‘Sirius and Remus have such boyfriend energy. It had to be said.’”

“Read the one under it, James,” Peter said from where he was reading over his shoulder.

“‘Sirius and Remus are definitely fucking on the side.’” James and Peter burst out laughing. Remus just caught Sirius’ eye from across the lounge and winked.

“They really think you guys are together,” Peter said.

“Me and Remus?” Sirius said with a mischievous grin. “I don’t see it.”

Remus had to take a sip of water to hide the smile threatening to breakthrough.

“Well, you might be the only one who doesn’t, Pads,” James said. Remus thought for a moment James might suspect them, but he instantly went back to reading tweets without a second thought.

“It’s certainly good marketing,” Remus said. “People are talking about us.”

“You’re right about that,” Marlene said from the doorway. “The internet is going bloody mad over you two.” Marlene sat down on one of the seats like a coach about to give the team a pep talk. “It’s better marketing than we ever could’ve paid for, so I need you two to keep it up.”

“I mean it’s not like we're doing it on purpose,” Sirius said.

“Even better,” Marlene said. “People like authenticity. But they also like a mystery, so under no circumstances can you say that you and Remus are dating - “

“Which we aren’t,” Sirius jumped in.

“You also can’t say that you two are not dating. Ambiguity is the name of the game.”

“But won’t people know that Sirius is straight?” James asked.

“Yeah, he has quite the history with girls,” Peter added.

“If you are ever asked directly about your sexuality, say some shit about how sexuality is fluid and you have no problem being perceived as gay because it is not a bad thing. Then you distract the attention away from yourself and become a gay rights advocate.”

Sirius Black, a boy too afraid to admit he’s queer even when he has his tongue down Remus’ throat is not exactly the epitome of gay rights, but Remus couldn’t very well admit that in this room. It made Remus sick to hear about their cold calculations on how they should twist their perceived queerness into a better bottom line. Remus had never been trying to make a cent, he just wanted to see Sirius smile.

But Remus couldn’t exactly refuse Marlene’s advice. He was already a part of it, whether he liked it or not. 

-

The gig that night, the first one of the tour, was already sold out. In fact, most of the tour was quickly being filled up - a fact that seemed to both excite and stress Marlene in equal measure.

The place they were playing was already a step up from the dive bars they had been exposed to before. It wasn’t even a bar but a proper black box theatre. The backstage had real dressing rooms with bright mirrors and no graffiti on the walls. Remus almost missed the comfort of a dingy bar and its questionable sanitary procedures. At least in a run-down bar, he knew where he belonged.

Since they were touring, they got local bands at every venue to be the opening act. As the first band played, the Marauders prepared themselves backstage. Peter seemed genuinely excited in a way Remus hadn’t seen before, animatedly talking to James about how many people were there and all the attention on Twitter. 

Marlene was around somewhere, likely watching the opening act or talking to the theatre manager. She always seemed to be doing something. It was just the Marauders alone backstage - no girlfriends or fans - in a way they hadn’t been since the early rehearsals. 

“It’s weird not having other people here,” Sirius said as he came to stand next to Remus. “There’s no Lily or Desdemona.”

“Or Mary,” Remus said. “Whatever will you do without having someone to yell at and then stick your tongue down their throat two minutes later?”

“Oh, I think that can be arranged,” Sirius said, taking a step closer to Remus, letting their hands brush against each other.

Remus glanced over to where James and Peter were talking. “We would have to find somewhere a bit more private.”

Sirius leaned in and whispered in his ear, “Give it a minute, then follow me.” Sirius turned to address the room, “I’m gonna go to the bathroom.”

James nodded, barely acknowledging the statement before returning to his conversation with Peter.

Remus counted down in his head from thirty, fiddling with the flip phone in his hands, more distraction than a communication device. “I’m going to go have a smoke.”

James wrinkled his nose, “If you must.”

Remus would’ve given him some kind of snarky response but he was raw with nerves. As he walked to the bathroom, he was hyper-aware of everything about his person - his messy hair and loose sweaters. Even his steps felt uneven and strange.

He approached the bathroom and knocked twice on the door. It swung open and immediately Sirius’ mouth was on Remus, pulling him into the room and pushing him up against the door. Remus moved his hand to lock it, the last thing he did before his brain lost all higher functioning.

Sirius was addictive and vicious, leaving Remus’ lips swollen and bitten red. “How long do we have?” Sirius breathed against Remus’ mouth.

“Ten minutes before we have to get ready for the show.” Remus's voice hitched as Sirius began trailing his tongue against Remus’ neck. “Five minutes before James gets suspicious and starts looking for us.”

“I can work with that,” Sirius said and immediately began pulling off Remus’ sweater and kissing the skin underneath. Remus’ mind was completely blown out by the feeling of Sirius’ mouth, his wandering hands, his hair in Remus’ fingers, and the constant pressure of their bodies pushed against one another.

It wasn’t how it was the first night - slow and uncertain - or even how it was in the alley - impulsive and chaste. This was pure adrenaline and need. Remus couldn’t even think anything besides a whispered, “Don't stop.”

But they were a time limit and eventually Sirius pulled away. He looked like a wreck - his lips swollen and his hair all astray. Remus could only imagine what he himself looked like right now. Sirius let out a series of long breaths and tossed Remus his sweater, which he reluctantly put on.

Sirius went to the mirror and started fixing his hair and shirt. Remus crept behind him and placed a kiss on his neck and watched with pleasure as a smile drew itself across Sirius’ face. He turned and gave Remus a chaste kiss and reached up and started fixing his hair.

“There. You look like you were never accosted in a restroom.”

“Thanks,” Remus said and the two of them headed for the door. Sirius peaked his head out to make sure the coast was clear and then motioned for Remus to follow. The two of them walked into the dressing room without even a second glance from Peter and James. Remus always did love the thrill of a secret.

“You know, Moony, there is one thing you need to complete the look for tonight,” Sirius said to him.

“Oh? And what would that be?”

Sirius turned and rummaged through his things until he brought out a single black eyeliner. Remus gave him a wide smile; he always loved when Sirius did his makeup.

It was much like every other time Sirius had done it, but so much better, because Remus wasn’t nervous every five seconds that they were sitting too close or how much Sirius’ hands brushed against his cheek. Now Remus could relish in the freedom of touching Sirius without fear.

Unbeknownst to them, as Sirius’ applied the dark line of makeup under Remus’ eye, James snapped a photo from across the room. He went to Marlene, asking for her approval, and within seconds, it was posted to their Twitter with the caption - “Their pre-show ritual. First show of the tour tonight at the Forest Theatre! - James”

The internet went absolutely batshit, but neither Sirius nor Remus had a clue. By the time it was posted, the opening act was playing their final song.

“Okay, everyone gather round,” James motioned to the room. The boys and Marlene circled around James like a pre-football huddle. “Tonight is the first night of our careers as professional touring musicians. We’re in the big leagues now, but that doesn’t change a thing. We’re still playing the same songs to the same crowds.”

“Except this time the crowds actually want to hear us,” Remus added.

“Right, so let’s give them one hell of a show.” James went to step away but Sirius stopped him.

“You’re forgetting something, Prongs,” Sirius said. James gave him a quizzical look so Sirius looked around to the others and put his hand in the center of the circle, waiting for everyone to pile their hands on top of his. “I solemnly swear I am up to no good,” Sirius said with a prideful smile. 

James and Peter broke out into a roar of laughter, clearly some inside joke from their childhood. Remus locked eyes with Marlene and rolled his eyes. No matter what rock star persona they were trying to create, they were all just nerds at the end of the day.

Nevertheless, the five of them put their hands to the sky as they chanted, “I solemnly swear I am up to no good.”

The opening act came off stage with a roar of applause. “Come on boys,” Marlene said to them. “It’s showtime.”

-

The place was packed. In the bit of area in front of the stage, people crushed into each other shoulder to shoulder with phones in hand. It felt like a dream to Remus, something happening to someone else.

Two minutes ago, Sirius had wrapped an arm around his shoulders and whispered in his ear, “All of this is because of you.” Wild smiles crossed both of their faces.

The crowd exploded into deafening screams. Remus watched as Sirius soaked it in. He wore the praise well, like a king before his subjects.

“Hello everyone!” James said into the microphone, barely audible over the roar of the crowd. “We’re the Marauders and we would like to play some songs for you.”

-

They stepped off the stage, sweaty and exhausted in the best way possible. All of them stood around in disbelief in the calmness of the backstage. It felt impossible to reconcile after the energy of the crowd. 

“Great job boys,” Marlene said the moment they entered the room. “I’m sure people would love to get photos with you so drink some water, put on some deodorant, and be ready to go meet with people in twenty minutes.”

Remus collapsed onto the couch. The muscles in his face were sore from smiling and his whole body wanted to never leave its comfortable position.

“Don’t go falling asleep on us,” James said. He sat down on the arm of the couch.

“I’ll try my best not to,” Remus said lazily. Peter and Sirius were equally and had found other places to crash and rest.

“That was great tonight,” James said. “You were fantastic.”

“Thanks, James. You were brilliant too.”

James flashed him a smile, “Really, mate. We couldn’t have done it without you.”

And Remus saw how Sirius and Peter would flock to this boy with easy smiles and a strut in his step. James never failed to make you feel appreciated.

“James! What the hell is this?” Sirius shouted from across the room.

“What is what?” James didn’t seem phased in the slightest. A light smile played on his lips.

Sirius’ face was tense as he showed James the photo on his phone - Sirius applying eyeliner under Remus' eyes. The moment was so private and intimate, a smile lightly plastered on Remus’ face and now it had 50 thousand retweets.

“What the fuck, Prongs,” Sirius said, adding a laugh on the end as if it would cancel on the tension in his shoulders or fire in his eyes.

“It’s like what Marlene said, we have to leave them hints.”

“Hints, Prongs, not the whole fucking map.”

“Are we pirates now?” Remus tried to joke.

Sirius turned to him on a snap, “You think this is funny, do you? That photo is everywhere.”

“So what?” Remus challenged.

“So what? It would’ve been less private if James had just posted a photo of us making out.”

“Good thing we don't do that then, huh?” 

Sirius wanted to say something more, but he couldn’t. Not here, not in front of James.

“Look, Pads, I’m sorry. I should’ve asked before I posted it.”

Sirius's eyes flashed back to James and his expression masked over with a friendly smile. “It’s alright, James. It’s not that big of a deal.” But Sirius glanced back over at Remus and Remus knew it was a lie.

“Okay boys, meet and greet time!” Marlene said and started ushering them out to the stage door.

The “meet and greet” was really several dozens of fans standing outside the door, most of them teen girls and a few disgruntled parents behind them. But there were more than a few people their own age. 

The moment the door opened, the screams hit Remus like a wave. It was one thing for them to happen when he was on stage, well-removed from the crowd and able to focus in on the performance of it all. It was much harder here, where they were all so human, no different than him.

The first group of girls came over and instantly asked for photos with the band and gushed about how good the show was. Remus nodded along as the rest of the boys animatedly responded. Some of the people asked for autographs or hugs. Some people didn’t even ask and just went straight into James’ arms. Remus counted himself lucky that he was scarred enough that most people just eyed him warily.

More than a few women openly flirted with Sirius, brushing arms, batting eyelashes, and exchanging insinuated words. And if they were old enough and pretty enough, Sirius flirted right back. He didn’t hesitate to hold people’s hands or lightly touch their shoulders, as if they were good friends already.

The whole thing felt so pointed. After Sirius won himself another phone number, he’d thank the woman with a wink and then glance back at Remus, his face unreadable. He couldn't tell if Sirius was asking for permission or showing Remus he had other options.

Either way, Remus didn’t mind. He let Sirius have his little performance. He let him flirt and prance and pretend nothing mattered between the two of them. Because Remus knew that when all the crowds disappeared, Sirius was his and his alone.

They ended up staying out there for more than half an hour. The other boys were just so good at keeping people talking, even Peter whose nervous excitement manifested itself in ongoing questions of every person who looked his way. 

And as Remus stood to the side and watched these boys so perfectly play the posh rockstars. He could imagine them as kids at school, running down hallways and terrorizing their teachers. He wished he could’ve been there, studying with Lily and laughing with James. These boys have a history and Remus could never quite get there.

But then Sirius would grab his arm and lightly pull him into the conversation, or James would bring up his name and force him to tell a story, and the fans would eye him a bit wearily and give him a nervous smile, and Remus would try to make them feel at ease. 

And then inevitably, someone would ask, “How’d you get your scars?” and Remus would remember that people don’t see his music, they only see the gashes of white crisscrossing his skin. 

But he was used to it, beyond resigned to the situation. “I was bitten by a werewolf,” he would say casually and James would quickly change the subject.

Eventually, Marlene pulled them away and insisted that they were on a schedule and they absolutely must leave at some point, so so sorry to all of you, and marched them on to the bus.

“Everyone has everything?” Marlene asked. They all patted their pockets and took stock of their belongings that Marlene had moved from the green room to the bus. “Wonderful. I’ll tell Richard we can get going. You all should get some rest.”

-

Remus never could sleep well in new places. His body just didn’t trust the change in locations, and moving buses weren’t known for their ideal sleeping environment. After a few hours of fitfully falling in and out of light sleep. Remus threw off his blankets and quietly crept into the upstairs lounge.

As he opened the door, he was surprised to find that he was not alone. Sirius was staring out at the darkness, only interrupted by passing cars as they drove across the highway. 

“Sorry, did I wake you?” Sirius’s voice was quiet and rough with sleep.

“No, I wasn’t really sleeping.” Sirius nodded and Remus sat down on the couch next to him joining in his stare out the window. He had no clue where they were. He didn’t even know where they were going.

“I want a cigarette,” Remus said.

“Mmm,” Sirius hummed. “That would be nice.” His voice was heavy. He sprawled himself out onto the couch, resting his head in Remus’ lap. He was like a new person when they were alone, soft, quiet, and unafraid.

Remus let his fingers lightly play in Sirius’ hair. “Why are you awake at this fine hour?”

“Oh, just a nightmare,” Sirius said as though he had them all the time. Maybe he did. “Just my typical memories of my dear mother’s wonderful parenting strategy.” 

“Well, you’re here now,” Remus said.

Sirius looked up at him, “Yes, I am.”

Remus started braiding Sirius’ hair, just as Lily had taught him to do when they were young. “How are the ear piercings treating you?” Remus asked.

“Oh, they’re good. I’m turning them and everything,” as if to show him, Sirius reached up and turned the black studs in his ear. “I’m thinking of getting some new fun ones once I can take them out. We’ll have to go shopping together.”

“Honestly, it’s a miracle they’re not infected.”

“Hey, I take good care of them,” Sirius said, defensive.

“Oh, it’s not you. Kitchen counter piercings just aren’t renowned for their sterility.”

Sirius rolled his eyes and settled his head more comfortably in Remus’ lap. “I keep thinking I want to do something to commemorate the first show of the tour. Buy something, cut my hair, get a tattoo. Something drastic.”

“Well, definitely don’t cut your hair.”

“I could pull off a buzzcut.”

“Could you?” Remus asked with a smirk.

Sirius slapped his arm, “Shut up. I’d look great.”

“I can already hear the sounds of a million fangirls weeping.”

“I don’t give a damn what they think.”

“Yes, you do.”

“Yeah, I do,” Sirius sighed. “But I’m trying not to. It’s probably not good for me. You had the right idea by not having Twitter.”

“But without a Twitter how will you and James post shit without consulting the rest of us?” 

“Yeah, that photo was… something. It just feels like the whole world knows.” His voice was soft, like the midnight hours were keeping him quiet.

“The whole world except for James.”

“Yeah, well James is about as observant as a brick wall. We could make out in front of him and he’d still think we were close friends.”

Remus laughed, quietly so as to not wake the others in the room over. “The whole world doesn’t know though, not really. They think they know something. They suspect something, and that’s very different than knowing.”

“How?”

“Because people are debating it. They think it’s some kind of fun game. It’s like what Marlene said. If we just told them, it wouldn’t be fun anymore. And it’s not like we can’t have fun with it in the meantime.”

Sirius looked up at Remus, “What do you have in mind?”

Remus kissed him by way of answering. He couldn’t help but think how very unlike friends with benefits this was - late-night conversations and cuddling on the couch. But when Sirius’ hands ran themselves through Remus’ hair, he couldn’t find it in himself to care.

Eventually, they went back to talking, Sirius’ head still in Remus’ lap but this time significantly more disheveled. “I want to do something drastic,” Sirius complained again. “Can you pierce my ears again, Moony?”

Remus laughed. “Not before the first are done healing. The best I can give you is a stick and poke tattoo.”

Sirius’ eyes light up. “Could you really?”

“Yeah, I have my kit downstairs.”

Sirius sat up and grabbed Remus’ arms. “You have to go get it right now. This is the perfect idea.”

“Do you even know what you want?”

“I’ll figure it out while you go get the kit. Now, go, go, go.” Sirius pulled Remus up and practically pushed him toward the door, Remus laughing the whole way.

He gathered himself and quietly crept downstairs so as to not wake the rest of his bandmates. He found his kit and also grabbed a few beers because he knew this shit was going to hurt. 

When he walked into the room, Sirius had taken his shirt off and Remus stood in the doorway for a moment, just admiring his figure.

“I know what I’m going to get,” Sirius said. “I want a paw print on my arm.” 

“Okay,” Remus said as he sat down and started setting his stuff up. He handed Sirius a beer, which he took gratefully “I can probably do that. Is there any reason why?”

“Well, you know, Padfoot.”

“What does that have to do with it?”

“Padfoot means dog, Moony.”

Remus paused from where he was sterilizing the needle. “What?”

“Did you really never figure that out?”

“How was I ever supposed to know that? It’s not like I think hard about your guys' nicknames for each other.”

“Well, we’re all animals. Prongs is a deer - or a stag, he will tell you because it’s a male deer. Wormtail is a rat. I’m obviously a dog,” Sirius said as if it explained everything.

“And where are these names coming from?” Remus started tracing a paw print in pen on Sirius’ shoulder. He was never much of an artist but he could pull off simple things.

“Oh, right. Well, one time we went to this psychic for shits and giggles. We thought we were going to get prophecies or something, which she did give us, but she also said these animals were ‘heavily connected to our spirits,’ or something like that. We didn’t think much of it, but when Peter got a fucking rat, we never let it die.”

“You guys are so weird,” Remus said. He picked up the needle and poised it over Sirius’ skin. “Ready?”

“Ready,” Sirius said and let a little hiss as the first stick went through his skin.

“Drink, you’ll feel better,” Remus said, his eyes not leaving Sirius’ arm. He was laser-focused on not fucking this up. “And tell me a story.” 

“What kind of story?” His voice was a bit strained.

Remus didn’t really give a shit. He was just trying to distract Sirius from the pain. “Anything.  Have you ever written a song?” 

“Yeah, I’ve written tons of stuff, none of them any good though."

"I don't believe that."

"Well, I have a notebook full of lyrics and I love creating melodies on the piano but I can never find a way to mesh it all together.”

“I can help you if you want.”

“I don’t know." He grimaced as the needle went through his arm. He took another long sip of beer. "Your music is just so good, Moony.”

“You think I haven’t written a thousand shitty songs before I made one good one? The only way to get better is to just do it again and again and again.”

“Can I hear one of your shitty songs?”

“You play drums to my shitty songs every night.” Sirius flicked his head because he couldn’t risk shoving him when he had a needle in his hand. “The fuck was that for?”

“Don’t talk like that. You know I love your music.” Sirius was looking straight at Remus.

It was so close to what Remus wanted to hear. I love you . That’s what he was saying, wasn’t it? Remus’ music was himself, sometimes it felt like it was more himself than he could ever show to anyone.

“You should sing me something,” Remus said, changing the subject. “We can work through it together.”

“I don’t know, Moony.”

“Come on, Pads. It’ll distract you at least.”

“Fine, but don’t expect anything good.” Remus waited patiently as Sirius wracked his brain, working through the outline of the pawprint. Eventually, a decision crossed Sirius' face and he opened his mouth to sing.

We're only gettin' older, baby

And I've been thinkin' about it lately

Does it ever drive you crazy

Just how fast the night changes?

Sirius’ voice was rougher than James’ and less trained, but he still sounded beautiful.

Everything that you've ever dreamed of

Disappearing when you wake up

But there's nothing to be afraid of

Even when the night changes

“Something like that for the chorus,” Sirius said, quietly.

“That sounded great,” Remus responded. “Where have you been hiding these lyrical talents?”

“You really liked it?” Sirius asked.

Remus paused from where he was doing the tattoo and met Sirius’ eyes. He gave him a wide smile. “Yeah, I really did.” He returned to looking at the almost finished design. “But I think you need one more line on the chorus. Sing it for me again.”

Sirius did and Remus relished in the fact that he was the one who got to hear his voice. He was the only one who knew Sirius could sound like this,  could come up with something like this.

“I think you should add something right after the last line, ‘Even when the night changes.' Maybe something like, ' It will never change me and you.' It gives the whole thing a more hopeful feel.”

Sirius tried it out and it didn’t sound half bad. “Yeah, I like that a lot.”

“What’s the song about?” Remus asked.

“Oh, you know..." The ever eloquent Sirius Black was tripping over his words. "It’s like the first time you hook up with someone new.” Sirius avoided Remus' eyes. 

Remus had written many songs about people. Hell, he’d written songs about Sirius. He knew what it was like to pour your soul into a song and yet still wish that no one would know a thing.  

Remus wished he had written Sirius' lyrics down. He never really knew where he stood with Sirius but this could be a map. He wanted to analyze every lyric until it was the only words he knew. He wanted to throw the song out and never listen again. It was all too much.

Remus pushed his thoughts deep down. “It’s a good song. We should definitely work on it together.”

“Yeah, I’d like that,” Sirius responded.

“Maybe it’ll be the song that finally makes you famous.”

“Fuck off, I already am famous.”

Remus rolled his eyes as he finished the tattoo, taking one last look at it before starting to clean it off. “All done, Mr. Famous. Can I get your autograph now? Or maybe a picture?”

“Shut up, you’re just as famous as me.” 

“So not famous then?”

“Say that to our half a million Twitter followers.”

“I’ve never heard of you.”

Sirius shoved Remus but Remus, not one to back down from a challenge, shoved him right back. Sirius grabbed for his hands, but Remus was too fast and pushed him so his back was lying on the couch and Remus was over top of him, hands on his chest, their voices bright with laughter. Remus leaned down and pressed a kiss to his lips before backing off him.

“Come on, you need to see your new tattoo.”

The two of them crept downstairs and into the tiny bathroom. Sirius crowded into the mirror and looked at his arm. “Ohmygod! Look at that!” Sirius shouted.

Remus immediately shushed him. “People are sleeping, Sirius.”

“Sorry,” he replied, not sounding sorry at all. “Just got excited.”

“So, you like it?” 

Sirius turned to him with a wide grin. “I love it, Moony. It’s perfect.”

Notes:

Sorry this was a bit later than usual. I got my COVID vaccine and had crazy side effects so I couldn't write for a few days (still get vaccinated though!! totally worth it!!)

here's my tumblr if you want to say hi!

also thank u to lilly for giving me some ideas and letting me rant abt this story. im sure it will continue happening

Chapter 11: get a load of this trainwreck

Notes:

Songs in this chapter:
Headstones and Landmines by Lizzy McAlpine
This is Home by Cavetown

“You know what’s been really weird recently,” Peter said to the rest of his bandmates as he made breakfast in the bus' kitchenette. “I’ve started to dream in German.”

“Really?” James said with a grin. “How strange is that?”

Sirius was threatening to break into giggles. Remus kicked him under the table.

Last week, they had begun playing a German learning podcast into Peter’s headphones as he slept without him knowing. They all had been on edge for days just waiting for him to catch on.

“Yeah, it’s really weird because I’ve never taken German but all of a sudden, I’ll be dreaming and I’ll just see a door and say Tür in my head.”

“And you’re sure you’ve never taken German?” Remus asked. 

“Positive,” Peter buttered some toast. “Just strange what your mind can do.”

“Yeah, so weird, Pete,” Sirius said and at this point, even Marlene was sporting a mischievous smile.

They were three weeks into the tour and things had begun to get monotonous. Interviews and shows and constant travel. They were never in one place more than a night or two and the whole crew was exhausted.

Remus especially didn’t know how Marlene did it. Somewhere in week one, the entire tour had sold out, and ever since, she was constantly on the phone with Phoenix Records about the next tour or the album drop. 

The band was the very definition of up and coming - their Twitter followers had doubled in three weeks, now almost to ¾ of a million and their singles had tens of millions of Spotify plays. 

With that fame, came new eyes, thousands of them, watching their every move. Marlene had scrubbed all their Twitters of almost everything older than three years old. Every show was constantly crowded and the meet and greets were getting longer and longer. Remus was grateful, of course, but it had all changed so fast.

And none of it felt real. The tour made things so strange already. If they weren’t traveling, they were almost always rehearsing, or performing, or doing press. It was hard to tell if Remus’ life had really changed all that much.

But then he would call Oliver and Oliver would talk his ear off about work gossip and something a regular at the bar did, and Remus would feel a pang of homesickness, something he never expected. This was supposed to be the dream, but it just felt like a strange vacation, and any day now he would return to his late-night shifts at the bar.

“You know what I would kill for?” James said to the room. “A good run.”

“I think you’re the only one,” Sirius said and Peter vigorously nodded.

“It’s good to stay in shape, boys,” Marlene said. “The tour is a marathon, not a sprint.”

“I’ll start running when someone is chasing me,” Remus said. 

Marlene rolled her eyes and opened her phone. As she did, Remus watched all humor fall from her face. “Sirius,” she said, voice cold as ice. “Why is #SiriusBlackIsOverParty trending worldwide?”

Sirius sat up immediately, “What?” He opened his phone and Remus peered over his shoulder and sure enough, it was the top hashtag around the world. 

As he clicked through, the first thing that came up was, “Why We’re Cancelling Sirius Black: A Thread. #SiriusBlackIsOverParty.” Marlene came over and snatched the phone out of his hand.

“No posting until we figure out what is going on.” She took a look at the tread and began reading aloud. “Sirius Black is the first son of Lord Orion Black, one of the wealthiest noblemen in Britain.”

Remus felt Sirius’ entire body tense beside him. This was going to be a trainwreck, Remus could already sense it.

Marlene read the entire thread aloud and no one dared to interrupt. The thread itself was gutting. It talked at length about Orion’s politics, his nationalist views, his shady business dealings, his ties to alt-right groups, and the enormity of his wealth, which, according to Twitter, Sirius was set to inherit and carry out the Black family name.

Everyone was cautiously glancing between Sirius and Marlene. Sirius didn't meet anyone's eyes.

The worst was when Marlene started reading out the direct quotes the thread had pulled. Awful things Orion had said publicly, in debates, or on the Parliament floor.

“Sexual deviants have no place in government or public life. They are sick and should be put in treatment centers,” Marlene read to the room, her voice strained.

Sirius said nothing. He was tossing an orange between his hands with a bit too much force.

At last, it was over. Marlene stopped reading and the whole bus took a collectively held breath as they waited for Sirius’ reaction.

“Well, it’s not that bad is it?” Sirius asked. “It’s not really about me.”

Marlene just looked at him. There was no anger, just the same practical mindset. “Up to you how you want to play it. We can release a statement.”

Sirius continued violently tossing the orange between his hands. “No, let’s not say anything yet. Let them continue trashing him.”

“Mate, they’re trashing you as well,” James said.

Sirius looked sharply at him. “No, they’re not. They don’t know shit about me.”

James looked to Marlene for help but she just shrugged, “It’s up to him.” 

James looked back to Sirius and then said to the room, “Can we have a minute to talk in private?”

Remus nodded and the rest of them went upstairs - Peter to his bed. Marlene and Remus in the upstairs lounge. Remus brought out his guitar and was starting to strum. “Do you mind?” he asked Marlene.

“Not at all,” she said. She had opened up her laptop and was already frantically typing out emails, likely playing damage control. Remus began strumming out some chords, composing something in his head.

They buy you nice things

And they sing pretty songs

But it doesn't help

Remus checked to see if his playing was annoying Marlene but she seemed unbothered.

And nothing works but time

And it all hurts but it's fine

Remus did some humming as he played what would likely be another stanza but he also liked the humming too. The absence of words felt like the right move.

The books don't say sorry

They don't crowd and touch

They're just observers collecting their dust

They know that nothing they say is enough

So they don't say a thing

Remus did another section of humming before coming to an end. Marlene’s voice took him out of it, “Are you recording these?”

“No, I don’t have a smartphone,” Remus responded.

“Well, you should get one and start recording. I know we pay you enough for one. You don’t want to forget these, Lupin.”

“Yeah, yeah. Maybe I will,” Remus said. 

Marlene did some typing on her laptop, “Just ordered you an iPhone, I’ll take it out of your next paycheck.” Remus couldn’t find it in himself to protest. “That song about Sirius?”

Remus’ head snapped up, “What? No.”

“Alright,” she said. Marlene was always preoccupied with something so it was always so hard to get a read on her. 

“Why would it be about Sirius?”

“I know you write a lot of songs about your life. Sirius is a part of it.”

“Right,” Remus said. If she suspected anything more, she was polite enough to not say anything. “It was about my mom actually.”

“Your mom?”

“Yeah, she passed when I was eighteen. Sirius’ whole thing with his parents got me thinking about it. So, I guess it is about Sirius in a way.”

“What’s about me?” Sirius asked from the doorway.

“Nothing,” Remus said. Sirius raised an eyebrow and sat down next to him.

“You know how he is,” Marlene said. “Always writing.”

“Yeah, he’s certainly prolific,” Sirius said lightly. He was in a good mood despite everything.

“What’d James want?” Remus asked privately.

“He wanted to express to me that he supported but he also wanted me to not fuck this up.”

“Meaning?”

“Saying something I’ll regret. Letting this go too far.”

“How far are we letting this go?” Marlene asked, not even looking up from her laptop.

“Until my father makes a statement,” Sirius said, stretching out and casually putting his arm behind Remus. “We’ll make it his problem.”

“Okay,” Marlene said and her phone began ringing. “I have to take this,” she said and went downstairs. 

The moment Marlene left, Sirius laid down and let his head rest in Remus’ lap. “You always love to lay like that,” Remus said with a laugh.

“It’s comfy,” Sirius hummed.

Remus began running his hands through Sirius’ hair, “Are you okay, Sirius? Really?”

Sirius let out a huffed laugh, “I’ve been through a lot worse, Moony. I’ll be okay.”

“Good,” Remus said and leaned down to kiss him.

“So you’re writing songs about me?” Sirius asked with a wicked grin.

“Ugh,” Remus groaned. “Pretend you never heard me say that.”

“Too late, Moons.”

“Mmm, I think I like Moony better.”

“Moonshine, moonlight, my moony moons, moonbeam.”

“All of these are terrible.”

“Don’t think you’re distracting me from the song question, Moonrise.”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Yes, I’ve written songs about you. Sue me.”

Sirius smiled wide, “It’s okay, I’ve written about you too.”

“You have?” Remus asked.

“Yup."

“Can I hear one?”

“Absolutely not.”

“Oh, that’s not fair. You’ve heard my songs about you.”

“Have I? Which ones?”

“Oh, no. You don’t get to know now.” 

Sirius put on an overexaggerated pout and Remus laughed lightly. It was so easy to fall into conversation with Sirius, so easy to laugh at his jokes, to tease him just so, to catch the laughter in his eyes or the easy smile on his lips. Remus could feel himself falling for him - different than before where he had only the idea of Sirius. Now Sirius was a reality and he was falling even harder.

“Mind if I join?” James’ voice came in from the doorway.

“Of course, Prongs. Take a seat,” Sirius said. He didn’t bother to move his head from Remus’ lap which Remus saw as some sort of progress. 

“Marlene was just on the phone with Dorcas. Or I think it was Dorcas. She called her babe at one point.”

“Maybe it was her girlfriend,” Remus said. 

“Maybe she just speaks like that,” Sirius said.

“Who knows,” James said.

“Speaking of girlfriends,” Sirius said. “How is our lovely Evans?”

James full-on blushed. “She’s fine. I don’t know...”

“Are you two dating now?” Remus asked. He felt bad for not already knowing. He should call Lily.

“No, no,” James said quickly. “We’re just friends.”

“Friends who are constantly texting?” Sirius said.

“I’m sure she texts Remus just as much.”

“Not true, mate,” Remus responded.

“What happened, Prongs? You used to spend hours composing poetry on Lily’s eyes and now you’re getting all tight-lipped.”

“I don’t know… There’s not much to say,” James said.

“If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more,” Remus said.

“What?” Sirius said.

“It’s Jane Austen.”

Sirius was staring up at Remus, “You’re fucking brilliant, Moony.” Remus could feel the heat coming to his cheeks.

“That must be it, Remus,” James said which saved Remus from responding to Sirius. “It just feels so different now that she’s actually talking to me. I don’t want to jinx it. Everything just feels so fragile right now, you know.”

“Yeah, I do,” Sirius said and Remus made sure to be looking somewhere else.

-

Over the course of the day, #SiriusBlackIsOverParty only grew and by midday, Orion was forced to put out a statement. “Lord Black has no association with the band the Marauders nor its drummer, Sirius Black.”

The moment it happened, Marlene burst into the beds where they were all resting. “Orion put out a statement boys. What’s our next move?”

The five of them quickly gathered in the downstairs seating area. They were all a bit groggy with the exception of Sirius who had taken to pacing across the limited room there was. “It’s such a petty tweet,” Sirius said. “Because he can’t be accused of lying. We don’t associate. But he’s missing the point of all this controversy.”

“Maybe take the high road,” Peter suggested. “Pretend it’s not happening.”

“What fun is the high road, Wormtail?” James asked.

“It’s fun for your team who has to deal with the fallout,” Marlene countered.

“If he’s being petty, you should be petty back,” Remus said.

“Exactly,” Sirius said. “I know what I should do.” He fell into the seat next to Remus and pulled up Twitter.

“Sirius, be careful,” Marlene said.

“You said the response was my call,” he bit back.

Remus discreetly placed his hand on his knee, “She’s just trying to help, Pads.”

Sirius nodded and muttered a quick “sorry,” to Marlene. His whole attention was on his phone. The first thing he did was retweet the original thread. As context, Remus guessed. The next thing he did was quote tweet his father’s tweet with simply the word, “lmao.”

Twitter had no idea what to think. Most people were already accusing Sirius of turning the whole thing into a joke and not realizing the gravity of the situation. 

Marlene read all this with increasing and increasing distress. “Can you please just issue a statement and say something, anything, to make it clear that you aren’t associated with him anymore.”

“He said that himself didn’t he?” Sirius joked but there was an edge to his words.

“Sirius,” James chastised.

“I don’t want to talk about it publicly.”

“Then say that!” Marlene practically yelled. “But say something.”

“Fine,” Sirius said but he didn’t open his phone. Marlene let out a groan.

“I can help you write it, if you want,” Remus offered.

Sirius looked at him and then around the room and then back to him. “Okay.”

“Thank fuck,” Marlene said.

“But I want to do this in private.”

“Okay,” Marlene said. “But please run it by me before you post it. Dorcas already wants to wring my neck.”

Sirius was already up and leaving but Remus replied, “Yeah, we will.”

They went to the lounge and Sirius started pacing again. He would look at his phone and then lock it, and then open it back up again, over and over until eventually Remus stood up and took the phone out of his hands.

“What are you trying to say?” Remus asked.

“I don’t know. I just don’t want everyone to hate me, but I don’t want everyone to know either.”

“Okay, well then start with what you can tell them. Do you want to talk about the abuse?”

Sirius shook his head, “Absolutely not.”

“What about being disowned?”

“Fuck, I don’t want them to know anything,” Sirius said and sat down on the couch, immediately beginning to bounce his leg.

Remus wanted to be sympathetic and say that he didn’t have to say a thing, but Remus knew that wasn’t true. At his heart of hearts, Remus was intensely logical. It’s the only thing that kept him alive. 

“Well, think about what they already know. They know your dad is a rich, immoral asshole. They know he has ‘no association with you,’ which, with no context, sounds like a poorly threaded lie and that you’re making a joke of the whole thing. You have to tell them something, at the very least that you ran away.”

“That’s only going to bring up more questions.”

“Say you don’t want to talk about it then. But you have to tell them that you’re a Black only in name and not much else.”

“Fine,” Sirius said and reached out for his phone from Remus. Sirius began typing and then said, “How does this sound - “I ran away from home when I was 16. I haven’t spoken to my father in several years. I do not wish to be associated with him, nor do I wish to talk about this publicly, but trust me when I say that I know what he has done and what kind of man he is #SiriusBlackIsOverParty”

“That sounds perfect,” Remus said gently. “Go show it to Marlene.”

Marlene approved it and the tweet soon gained enormous attention. The feud with Christopher was one thing, this was something else entirely. It wasn’t a broken heart but brought serious accusations and questions into one of the most important political families in Britain. The tweet was on BBC News and gained a quarter of a million retweets in a few hours.

It was discussed on political talk shows across the world. People were analyzing every character of Sirius’ tweet. Asking questions about why he ran away - was it personal? Was it abusive? Was it all a publicity stunt?

Marlene tried to keep them as shielded from it as possible. She fielded all phone calls from the studio and Dorcas put out a statement to all inquiring news sources that Sirius will not be doing an interview and his comments on Twitter speak for himself.

The attention was doing wonders for the band. They had tens of millions of new streams on their music and their Twitter hit a million followers amidst all the controversy. 

Sirius only put out one more tweet on it saying, “Anyway, if you really want to piss off Orion Black, stream my music and don’t shut up about it.”

Orion had responded publicly to the accusations of abuse saying simply, “The House of Black is a loving and caring one. We have high expectations for our family and unfortunately, Sirius did not wish to fill the shoes of his familial duty. He left of his own accord and we wish him the best in his future endeavors.”

It was lies, all of it. When Sirius saw the tweet, he had let out a hysterical laugh and then closed his phone, handing it to Remus. “Don’t give this back to me until tomorrow,” he said. Remus simply nodded and put it in his pocket.

Amidst all of this, they still had a show that night. The energy was different, more on edge than it had been before. Even the audience knew something was different. After the show, there had been many people coming out declaring their support for Sirius, saying fuck his dad, and asking questions about what happened.

Sirius sidestepped all of these gracefully, but the moment they got back on the bus, he completely collapsed. He went straight to bed and didn’t talk to a soul, not even James who tried to coax even a few words out of him. A storm was brewing and Remus could feel it about to hit the shore.

-

The next morning, Sirius didn’t get out of bed. James had gone to him and asked if he wanted breakfast and all he got was a mumbled, “I’m tired, thanks,” before Sirius rolled over to not face him.

The boys were all used to Sirius’ erratic behavior by now and left him alone, but Marlene was more than a little concerned. “Is he okay?” she asked when he didn’t appear for breakfast.

“Sirius just gets like this sometimes,” James said in a way of explanation.

“How often is he like this?” Marlene asked.

“Hard to say. It comes and goes. Sometimes it’s just a day thing, other times it can be like this for weeks.”

“It’s gotten better though,” Peter piped up. “Over the years.”

“So he just doesn’t get out of bed?” Marlene asked. “Will he be good for the show tonight?”

“Yeah, he’ll do the show,” James assured her. “Drumming is the one thing he will do. I think it's an anger thing.”

“Is he seeing someone about this?” Marlene asked.

“Like a therapist?” Peter asked and Marlene nodded.

“No,” James said regrettably. “I’ve tried to get him to over the years but he just has some aversion to it.”

“Hmm,” Marlene hummed. Remus could tell she was working out a plan of some sort in her mind.

“Is there anything we can do to help?” Remus asked James.

“Just give him space. Don’t make a big deal out of it or ask him to talk. He’ll talk when he wants to.”

Sirius did not get out of bed all day. James went up at one point to talk to bring him some food and try to talk to him but he came back downstairs with a simple shake of the head.

No one heard from him until at last, the bus arrived at their next town. James and Peter both wanted to go exploring before the show but Remus decided to stay behind. Part of him felt bad if he were to leave Sirius on the bus on the off chance that he did want to emerge from his bed. He didn’t want him to be alone.

So instead Remus did what he always did when he had free time - reading novels and writing songs. Some part of Remus always needed to be productive, even when he was supposed to relax. He had this constant pressure to be always be doing Something. 

Remus knew it was because he didn’t grow up with a lot, so he knew he had to work twice as hard to get even an ounce of the opportunities someone like James might have. "Never stop trying," his mother had told him. "If you just keep at it, you'll succeed." It was the advice an adult gives a child, but Remus never let it go.

He started strumming and singing, as he always did, playing with new lyrics. He tried to keep it soft because he knew Sirius was resting not far away.

Are you dead?

Sometimes I think I'm dead

'Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head

He played some more toying with lines and chords. Some of it sounding right, most of it sounding terribly wrong. Upstairs, he thought he heard something move, but it could have been the bus settling.

Get a load of this monster

He doesn't know how to communicate

His mind is in a different place

Will everybody please give him a little bit of space?

As he sang, he heard footsteps on the steps. He looked up and saw an exhausted Sirius padding his way down. His hair was a wreck and there were deep circles under his eyes. He came down and sat next to Remus, laying his head gently on Remus’ shoulder.

Get a load of this train wreck

His hair's a mess and he doesn't know who he is yet

But little do we know, the stars

Welcome him with open arms

“That sounds beautiful,” Sirius said quietly, his voice rough with disuse.

“Thanks,” Remus said and put the guitar aside. He wrapped his arms around Sirius and held him close.

They sat like that in silence for a while. Sirius didn’t want to talk and Remus knew better than to ask. Sometimes being there was all you could ask.

“Can we go smoke?” Sirius asked.

“Of course,” Remus said and eased Sirius off of his shoulder. 

The two of them went outside and leaned against the bus. They were parked by the venue and despite soundcheck not being for another two hours, there were already people lining up. 

Remus pulled out a cigarette and handed it to Sirius before pulling out one of his own. He lit them and the two of them smoked in silence. It hit Remus like a wave of relief. Being addicted to nicotine while spending most of his days inside a bus was not the best combination for him.

“I should really quit,” Remus said as he let out another drag.

“But then how would we find an excuse to be alone?” Sirius replied.

“I’m sure we would find a way.”

Sirius looked over at Remus with a knowing glance. “How long do you think they’ll be gone?”

“Mmm, an hour or two,” Remus said. “They didn’t leave long before you came down.”

Sirius smiled over at him, “We could make that work.”

Remus blew out a cloud of smoke. “Let me finish my cigarette.”

The two of them smoked quickly. The whole time, Remus could feel the tension in the air. Especially as Sirius scooted closer to him and began trailing fingers up his arm, making light patterns that set Remus’ skin aflame.

“Sirius,” Remus said in an exhale. “You’re driving me insane.”

Sirius stubbed out his cigarette and pulled his lips close to Remus’ neck. “Then let’s do something about it.”

Sirius started laying soft kisses on Remus’ neck. “We’re in public, Pads,” Remus said softly but couldn’t find it himself to push him away. He took another drag but it was shaky under Sirius’ touch. 

“Then let’s go somewhere private.” Sirius’ hands started brushing against Remus’ chest and tracing fingers under Remus’ shirt.

“Fuck it,” Remus said and he dashed out his cigarette. He put his hand around Sirius’ wrist and pulled him onto the bus. They walked quickly up the stairs and into the bunks. Remus pushed Sirius against the door and kissed him until he couldn’t think of anything but Sirius’ lips on his own.

-

Later, the band was getting ready before the show. The venue was nice and the backstage was clean, which Remus didn't think he would ever get used to.

“You know what’s strange about Sirius?” James said to Remus.

“Nearly everything,” Remus replied.

James chuckled lightly. “Maybe so, but particularly today. He can sometimes take days or weeks to come out of his moods. But look at him.” James gestured to where Sirius was adamantly asking Peter about his German skills. “He’s happy.”

“Yeah, he is,” Remus said with a smile of his own. 

An hour before, Sirius was lying on his chest and he whispered into the little space between them, “I could die now and I’d be okay with that.”

“You have a lot more years in you,” Remus had whispered back.

“I know,” Sirius had replied. “But still, things with the band, things with you. I’m finally content, at least a little bit.”

Remus had kissed his head and took in every moment where they were touching and the easy warmth of his skin.

James' voice pulled Remus back to reality. “It’s because of you, you know,” James said.

“Oh, I don’t know about that,” Remus said. 

“Don’t discredit yourself, Moony. You help him, in ways I can’t. I mean, Sirius is a brother to me, but there are some places I can’t reach him, but you can. I’m very grateful for that.”

Remus gave James an honest smile, “Thank you, Prongs. That means a lot.”

James’ face broke out into a wicked grin. “You called me Prongs.”

“Yes, I did,” Remus replied. and James pulled him into a hug.

Notes:

kinda hate this chapter but whatever. also when describing it to my friend lilly she said sirius had "rich emo boy disease" which is hilarious.

thank you guys for reading! especially if you made it this far. i have no end in sight so buckle in for the long haul.

comments and kudos are always appreciated!!! if you wanna say hi, here is my tumblr.

if you want to listen to the music in this fic, here is a playlist

Chapter 12: three little words

Notes:

Songs in this chapter:
wish you were gay by Billie Eilish
Grenade by Bruno Mars
i love you by Billie Eilish
The Night We Met by Lord Huron
Snow by Ricky Montgomery

It all started because of a dumb comment. It wasn’t even meant to be anything, or Remus didn’t think it was and he had been right alongside Sirius the whole time.

It was after their show. They were doing the normal meet and greet stuff - shaking hands, taking photos, signing autographs. It was all going well. The fans seemed to have enjoyed themselves. Remus still wasn’t great at talking to people but he smiled and said thank you and let the rest of them do the talking.

At this particular moment, they were talking to two boys, maybe a year or two younger than themselves. They were cute and if Remus wasn’t currently doing whatever he was doing with Sirius, he might have even gotten their number.

They were chatting and asking the normal questions about how the show was going and gushing about the band's music, when one of them turned to Sirius and said, “So are you and Remus dating?”

James burst out laughing which meant Peter laughed along too. Sirius, however, looked too taken aback to respond. No one had ever asked him that in person before. 

“We’re just friends,” Remus said. “I’m flattered that people think we’re together, but it’s not like that.”

And then Sirius was looking at him and he still hadn’t answered the boy. Remus gave him a questioning look as if to remind him they were surrounded by fans, surrounded by cameras. Sirius just shook his head and James guided them to the next person.

But the damage had been done. Remus could see how that tiny comment, that small question, had burrowed itself in Sirius’ brain and refused to let go. He was merely coasting through the rest of meet and greet.

The night ended and they got on the bus. For once, it wasn’t taking them to the next tow, but to a hotel. Marlene had scheduled them a day off tomorrow for the album release. She wanted them well-rested for the flurry of interviews to follow.

Each boy got their own hotel room, which felt like a luxury after sharing tiny bunks for the past month. Remus opened his door and wasted no time before falling into the soft memory foam mattress. He almost fell asleep right there, but then a knock came at the door.

He wasn’t even surprised when he saw Sirius on the other side. Despite his absent look earlier, he was entirely himself at that moment, a knowing smile stretched upon his face.

“Hey,” he whispered into the space between them and pushed past Remus into the hotel room. As he went, he grabbed Remus’ wrist and pulled him with him.

Remus made sure to shut the door behind them and before Sirius could get much farther, he pulled the other boy back to him and leaned down to kiss his lips. Sirius followed his lead immediately, running a hand through Remus’ hair and another one wrapped around his neck.

He slowly started walking backward until they reached the bed and Remus pushed Sirius onto it, standing over Sirius as he leaned back on his hands. He leaned against him and pushed his hair gently from his face. Remus began laying soft kisses on his forehead, his cheeks, his lips, his neck.

Remus began trailing his hands under Sirius’ shirt and soon Sirius’ hands began pulling off his shirt altogether. Remus quickly did the same and went back to his attack on Sirius’ neck. 

“God, you’re perfect,” Sirius said in a breath as Remus sucked on the sensitive skin by his collarbone. “I want…” Sirius began to say but stopped himself as Remus bit down.

Remus separated himself from Sirius and grabbed his chin, “What do you want, baby?” Remus said, pleased by the blown-out look of Sirius’ pupil.

“I want all of you,” Sirius said in a breath.

Remus smiled and whispered into his ear, “That can be arranged,” and fell into bed with Sirius.

-

Remus was exhausted by the time it was over. He had kept expecting Sirius to stop him or ask him to slow down, but he never did. The whole time was breathless, smiling, yeses. He had given himself entirely to Remus and Remus gave himself back.

Now they laid tangled up in each other, Sirius’ head on Remus’ bare chest, tracing patterns on his skin. 

Eventually, his fingers went to Remus’ hip. “So these are the infamous Remus Lupin tattoos in unmentionable places.”

“I’d hardly call the hip unmentionable,” Remus replied. Sirius traced the stick and poke heart that now had an x through it, and then to the smiley face next to it.

“I like them,” Sirius said. “You should get more tattoos.”

“You should get more tattoos,” Remus countered. “You look good with them.”

“I’ll get more if you do them for me,” Sirius said sleepily. He snuggled closer to Remus.

“I’m no artist,” Remus replied.

“Even better. They’ll be original.”

Remus rolled his eyes, but he let the subject drop. It was much easier to just let himself be in this moment with Sirius, to let himself feel the warmth radiating from his body, and get lost in his soft black hair.

Despite the fact that Sirius had his own hotel room, and despite the fact that they were surrounded by their best friends who absolutely could not find out, Remus didn’t send Sirius back to his own bed. He let himself fall asleep to the soft sound of Sirius’ light snores on his chest.

-

They were awoken the next morning by a phone call on Sirius’ phone. Remus rubbed his eyes as Sirius untangled himself and grabbed his phone. 

“What’s up, Prongs?” he asked in a voice rough from sleep.

“Where are you?” Remus heard James say through the phone.

“Remus and I went out to breakfast already. Sorry, we didn’t want to wake you,” Sirius lied through his teeth. Remus was almost impressed with how seamless it was.

There was some grumbling on the other end, but Sirius just said, “We’ll meet up with you later. Bye Prongsie,” and hung up the phone.

Remus put his arms around Sirius’ waist. “You’re evil,” Remus said.

“I don’t think you’ll say the same once we get to utilize our day off undisturbed.” Sirius pressed a kiss to Remus’ forehead and then to his lips. Remus pulled them back down to laying on the bed and they made ample use of their free time.

They did have to get up at some point though and so after a shared shower, they actually got dressed. As Remus waited in the hall for Sirius to change into fresh clothes, Marlene left her room. She raised a single eyebrow at Remus.

“Just waiting for Sirius,” Remus said.

Marlene gave him an entirely unimpressed look. “Mmhmm,” she hummed. Remus wanted to explain himself and say that it wasn’t anything, but he didn’t think lying to Marlene was a smart idea so he just let her walk out of the hotel.

Sirius appeared with an easy-going smile on his face. Remus would never get tired of looking at that smile.

“Ready?” Sirius asked and Remus knew he would follow him anywhere.

Their first stop was to a cafe to pick up some coffee and breakfast. It was a cute little shop and Remus could tell that the young woman behind the counter was not so discreetly looking at them and whispering to her coworkers.

When their coffees came, “Marauders” was written on the side. Sirius let out a bright laugh when he saw it and Remus was overwhelmed with pride of what the band had done. It wasn’t the concerts or the internet fans or the music that made Remus smile. It was the tiny things - a cup of coffee in a town far from home and a laugh on Sirius’ lips.

The two of them got selfies with the girl and Sirius posted a photo of the coffees on his Instagram. Of course, everyone immediately wanted to know who the other coffee was for and Sirius replied to someone’s comment with the word, “Remus,” and it quickly became the most liked comment on the entire post.

When Sirius told him all this, Remus rolled his eyes and pretended to be above the whole thing, but secretly, Remus was loving it. He loved that people thought Sirius was his. He loved waking up next to him and seeing their coffees next to each other and he loved the way Sirius’ face never failed to brighten when he turned to face Remus.

I love you, Remus wanted to say. Three words, three little words that would change everything, probably for the worst, but maybe not. Maybe Sirius would say it back and then give him that ridiculous smile that always led to a bruising kiss.

“Where do you want to go next?” Remus said instead. He tried to say it other ways though - he put those three little words in his smile, in the way he looked at Sirius, in the way their fingers would graze, and neither would pull away.

“There was a forest a little ways over,” Sirius said. “Let’s go for a walk.”

It was a cloudy day - it often was in England, but the forest was a lush green. After a month on that tour bus, constantly being paraded from town to town, just the smell of fresh air was enough to bring an instant calm over Remus.

The place was empty, save for birds and wildlife, and so Remus took Sirius’ hand. Sirius looked down at their interlocked fingers and then back up to Remus with a wonderful smile. He did a quick look over his shoulder and then kissed him. They went on walking. 

Eventually, they reached a grassy hill that overlooked a stream. The two of them laid down, Sirius’ head on Remus’ chest and Remus’ hands in Sirius’ hair.

It was perfect. Remus had never loved like this. He had always fought against the feeling time and time again, but with Sirius, it just felt so natural. 

The past month had been crazy. The whole year had. The tour, the music, the fans, all of it felt like an alien planet. But when he was around Sirius, he came back to Earth.

Sirius was tracing soothing patterns on Remus’ thigh and Remus wanted to say it. Those three little words. He had never felt anything to be more true than those three words right now.

“I love you,” Remus whispered because he was a coward, but he instantly knew Sirius had heard.

Sirius pulled away from Remus’ embrace and sat up to face Remus, searching for something. “What?” 

Remus sat up too. “I love you,” Remus said again. The field suddenly felt unbearably quiet.

“Why the fuck would you say that?” Sirius responded.

“Because it’s true.”

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and let out a humorless laugh. “We had such a good thing going and then you just had to go and ruin it by saying that.”

“I’m not ruining anything,” Remus said back. “Don’t act like you don’t feel this too.”

“I’m not gay!” Sirius shouted and it was Remus’ turn to laugh.

“I think we can both agree that ship has sailed.”

“I’m not!”

“Sirius we had sex last night! We’ve been messing around for weeks! That’s not heterosexual behavior.”

Sirius stood up. “Look, I’m sorry if I led you on to a false impression of what this was -”

“False impression? What are you talking about?”

“It’s just a bit of fun! That’s all this was! A distraction."

The words cut through Remus like a knife. It would’ve been easier if Sirius had slapped him, kicked him, ran away, than to see this denial, than to see how little Sirius cared for him.

“Well,” Remus said finally. “It was a bit more than that for me.”

Sirius sighed. Remus could watch the walls closing in around him. “Look, I’m sorry but I just don’t feel the same.” Sirius looked around the field. “I should go. I was gonna hang out with James later.”

Remus just nodded. He didn’t want to hear any of Sirius’ excuses. He closed his eyes and listened as Sirius’ footsteps grew fainter and fainter.

He fell back onto the grass and let the tears stream down his face. What the fuck had he just done?

-

Remus went back to his hotel room and ordered room service. He had no plans of leaving it anytime soon. 

A thousand scenes were floating through his head. Alternate universes where he hadn’t said those words and he still had Sirius beside him and they laughed and kissed and fucked and everything Remus threw away because he had some naive idea that Sirius - a man who had never before even admitted he was gay with his tongue down Remus’ throat - could ever fucking love him.

He had filled dozens of pages in his notebook with lyrics. He had never felt heartbreak like this. At least in the drawn-out weeks of fighting with Chris, he knew some part of Chris still loved him or at least once had. Now Remus was trying to convince himself he hadn’t been an idiot all this time.

He had all kinds of songs he had half-written. Ones he imagined producing, making Sirius play on stage knowing full well they were about him. Ones that were obvious.

How am I supposed to make you feel okay

When all you do is walk the other way?

I can't tell you how much I wish I didn't wanna stay

I just kinda wish you were gay

Or ones that would make Sirius realize how much he meant to Remus.

Gave you all I had and you tossed it in the trash

You tossed it in the trash, yes you did

To give me all your love is all I ever ask

As if feelings hadn’t been what scared him off in the first place. 

Halfway through all this mess, Marlene came to deliver Remus’ new smartphone. When she saw the state Remus was in, she reached out a hand. “Are you okay?” she asked. 

“Yeah,” Remus said despite clearly being otherwise. “Just family stuff,” he lied.

Marlene nodded and then handed him the cellphone, “Well, let me know if I can help in any way.”

“Thanks,” Remus said with a nod and closed the door. After a bit of tinkering with SIM cards, he set up his phone and went straight to the voice memos app to record some of these songs.

I would go through all this pain

Take a bullet straight through my brain

Yes, I would die for you, baby

But you won't do the same

He recorded a bunch of voice memos, some with guitar, some without, some where his voice was so rough from crying that it was hardly intelligible.

He did this all night until the moon was bright in the sky and the stars flickered above him. He went to his hotel window and could still perfectly pick out the constellation etched upon Sirius’ skin. Even the night sky belonged to him.

He went back to his bed and decided to see what else his new phone could do. He took photos of his hotel room - currently littered with pieces of paper and his song lyrics. He texted Oliver to tell him about the phone. He wasn’t ready to talk about everything else.

And then Remus decided to see what all the social media fuss was about. He downloaded Twitter, not bothering to use his real name or a photo of himself. He didn’t want all the attention right now. But he searched Marauders and the first thing that popped up was a video.

“Leaked footage of Marauders Drummer - Sirius Black - singing an unreleased song in his hotel lobby.”

Sure enough, the video was Sirius from far away as he sat on the piano. The photographer was clearly trying not to be seen, but the audio was clear. 

Maybe won't you take it back?

Say you were tryna make me laugh

And nothing has to change today

You didn't mean to say, I love you

I love you and I don't want to

Sirius sang beautifully. He played beautifully. But the song was yet another knife into the gaping wound. Just when Remus was coming to terms with his new life without Sirius, he went and ripped the floor out from under him.

Was he saying that he loved Remus and didn’t want to? Or was he speaking from Remus’ perspective and saying that Remus didn’t want to love him? Remus had no clue and it’s not like he could ask either.

Sirius’ Twitter was silent on the whole thing, as was the official Marauders' account. Remus checked the time - 2:23 am - and figured the questions were best left for the morning.

-

Musicians are assholes. Remus knew this. He had known this for several years. Yet every single time, the knowledge slapped him in the face - as predictable and cutting as ocean waves.

The Marauders boarded the bus again that morning. Luckily everyone was too preoccupied with the leak of Sirius’ song and the dropping of their first album to notice how Remus hadn’t smiled all morning or how he sat farthest from Sirius instead of right next to him.

There was a shit ton of marketing things they had to attend to - lots of on-the-phone radio interviews in which Remus would talk a bit about Chris and then go silent as James and Peter and even Sirius blathered on about the tour and their excitement.

Remus knew he should be excited. It was their first album and he had real fans that were listening to it. There were real journalists wanting to interview him. But he just couldn’t manage it, not when he shared the same space as Sirius.

Sirius, for his part, was acting like nothing was wrong. He was smiling a little too big, putting his arms around James a little too much. It was very much a performance for one man alone - look how unaffected I am, he was trying to say to Remus. Look how little you mattered .

But Remus knew him better than that. He knew that Sirius’ hands never stayed still for more than a moment. He knew that the smiles had a strained edge. He knew that Sirius kept glancing his way when he thought Remus wasn’t looking.

Every time Remus caught him doing it, it sent another wave of rage across him. Who the fuck did Sirius think he was?

And then the anger would subside and he’d be left with that old familiar ache of loneliness he’d forgotten he’d ever known. 

Remus couldn’t stand to be in the same room as Sirius, but there was no escape. They were stuck on this bus for another two weeks at least and Sirius seemed to be everywhere he turned, so he stopped looking. Kept his eyes down - always reading or journaling or resting whenever they weren’t doing press.

James and Peter had expressed concern but Remus brushed them away with a simple, “I’m tired.” They meant well but how the fuck could he explain this - oh yeah, I’ve been hooking up with your best friend for a month and I fell in love with him like an idiot and now I’m heartbroken over a relationship you never knew I had.

At some point, Remus had escaped to the upstairs lounge while the rest of the band had stepped out at a truck stop. He was itching for a cigarette but the last thing he wanted to do was risk Sirius asking him for one. Remus was scared he might actually give him one.

He was practicing a new song. He could write a whole album about Sirius, reopen this wound every single night, and play the beat of Remus’ broken heart.

But Remus wouldn’t. He knew the internet would think he was writing about Sirius. He couldn’t deal with the speculation. He couldn’t deal with James’ and Peter’s jokes, or Sirius’ knowing stares. These songs were for Remus alone. It was the only way he could let any emotion out of himself.

I had all and then most of you

Some and now none of you

Take me back to the night we met

“I hope you’re recording these,” Marlene said from the doorway. 

Remus gestured to the phone beside him, the voice memos app clearly open. “Well, some woman bought me a phone. It’d be rude not to use it.”

Marlene sat down beside him, “Technically, you bought yourself a phone.” Remus put up a fake smile and continued strumming. But Marlene spoke again, “So what’s going on with you?”

“Not much,” Remus said. “I’m excited about the album dropping.”

Marlene raised an eyebrow, “Are you?”

“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because this is the biggest moment of your career so far and you’ve yet to crack a smile. Plus, you’ve been avoiding a certain black-haired boy all day.”

“I love James,” Remus said, purposefully misinterpreting Marlene’s words.

“And Sirius?” Marlene asked.

“Him too, of course. And Peter.”

“So you and Sirius didn’t get into a lover’s quarrel?”

Remus’ head snapped up to meet Marlene’s gaze. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You and Sirius are having a fight or did you break up?”

“Sirius and I were never together. Those are just stupid rumors,” Remus lied.

“Remus, it is literally my job to know everything about you. You and Sirius may think you’re fly because you’ve tricked James and Peter - the two most oblivious boys in the world - but you can not trick me. You two have been sneaking around this whole tour and I’ve politely ignored it because it wasn’t an issue, but now it’s an issue. So I’ll ask you again, what happened between you and Sirius? and if you lie, I am not legally responsible for what happens to you.”

Remus sighed. He knew there was no escaping Marlene. “You’re right. We were kind of together but I thought it was something more than it was and I messed it up and now he won’t talk to me.”

Marlene’s expression didn’t change. “Okay. Well, that’s not good.” Remus let out a humorless laugh. “Here’s the thing, Remus. You’re in this band for the long haul. Another year at the very least, likely a lot more than that. I don’t really care if you and Sirius get back together, but you do need to find a way to work together because there’s no backing out now.”

There was the tell-tale sound of the bus tour being opened downstairs and the sound of James’ raucous laughter floating up to them. “Thanks, Marlene,” Remus said.

“Of course,” she replied as she stood up. “And for the record, Remus. I’m rooting for you.”

Before he could ask her what she meant by that, she disappeared down the stairs and Remus returned to strumming his guitar. He knew he needed to fix this or the next year would be hell.

-

Fixing this would have been a lot easier if Remus was a confrontational person and to be fair, sometimes he was. Sometimes his anger bubbled up to the point where the only suitable solution was to face the problem head-on. But most of the time, Remus wanted the path of least resistance. It was infinitely easier to put on a fake smile and laugh whenever Peter said something in German than it was to look Sirius in the eye and ask him to forgive him.

At night when Remus was most honest with himself, he knew he didn’t want to be forgiven because he wasn’t going to apologize for loving Sirius. Maybe he shouldn’t have said it, but that didn’t make it wrong.

So Remus ignored the problem, acted like it wasn’t there. He did shows every night and did his own makeup. He wrote songs and pretended they were about someone else. He did meet and greets and ignored the comments about him and Sirius. He saw Sirius’ tattoos and pretended he wasn’t the one who put them there.

The rest of the band didn’t seem to notice, too caught up in the whirlwind of press and shows and fans. Except for Marlene, who would sometimes catch his eye and raise an eyebrow as if to say that he wasn’t fooling anyone. If Sirius noticed a change, he didn’t say. By the end of the tour, he hadn’t said a thing to Remus outside of group conversations in weeks.

The last stop of the tour was this big theatre in London that held a couple thousand people. At the beginning of the tour, Marlene was worried if they’d be able to fill it. Now, it seemed much too small for the demand. Phoenix Records was already in talks about an arena tour in America. 

They had gotten there the day before and let them head back to their flats with a promise that they would be there the next day at 8 am sharp for rehearsal. James drove them all back and as Remus piled in the back, accepting a piece of gum from Sirius, he was struck with overwhelming deja vu. So much had changed, but James’ car was still just James’ car and the city had not changed with them.

Remus entered his flat and it was as he left it - small, messy, and a draft coming through the broken window. The one difference was a layer of dust that had settled on top of everything. His old life, still waiting for him, as comforting and patched together as an old quilt.

He laid on his bed and thought of the last few nights he had been there, where he laid on this bed with Sirius and a world of possibilities had stretched out before him. Now, it was all swallowed up in the three words that had destroyed everything.

Remus did something he should’ve done weeks ago - he called Oliver.

“Remus, my babes! What a pleasure,” Oliver answered cheerily. “Where are you now?”

“London,” Remus answered.

“You’re back home? Where exactly?”

“Just my flat. You can come over if you like,” Remus said because he really didn’t want to be alone right now.

“Give me fifteen minutes,” Oliver said and hung up. Soon enough, in fifteen minutes, Oliver appeared at his door.

As soon as Remus opened the door, Oliver pulled him into a hug. “Babes, I’ve missed you. Tell me everything.”

“Everything is a lot, Oliver. So much has happened,” Remus replied.

Oliver pulled away and went to sit down on Remus’ bed. “I’ve got all night.”

And so Remus told him. He told him about hooking up with Sirius. He told him about playing on stage to screaming fans. He told him about the exhaustion of a new city every night. He told him about saying I love you. He told him about Sirius running away. He told him about the smothering silence that has lasted after.

“Well,” Oliver said once Remus finally finished, “that certainly is something.”

“I’ve fucked it all up, I know.”

“No, you haven’t,” Oliver said soothingly, but Remus gave him a look, “Okay, so maybe you’ve fucked it up a bit, but it’s salvageable.”

Remus just groaned dramatically.

“Look,” Oliver said. “He’s not biting your head off. He’s not screaming in your face or being a bitch. You were good friends before this. He probably misses you.”

“And what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?” Remus said.

“Be his friend,” Oliver said as if it was ever that simple.

Remus huffed. “I don’t know how to do that.” He had loved Sirius all along.

“Talk to him, babes. Not about what happened, just fucking talk to him.”

“Fine,” Remus grumbled. It didn’t seem like a half-bad idea when Oliver said it. The two of them laid in bed in Remus’ crumbling apartment. It had always felt too small, but as Remus’ life got bigger, it felt more confining than ever. “I think I should move,” Remus said.

Oliver laughed, “I think you should’ve moved months ago.”

“Well, I was broke up until two months ago.”

“Yeah, and what are you now? A millionaire?”

Remus gave him a laugh. Remus had grown up with the idea that if he worked really hard the rest of his life then maybe he wouldn’t die in squalor. A millionaire? That was a child’s dream. He had dashed it years ago.

“I’m serious, love,” Oliver said. “With the way you’ve been blowing up, I wouldn’t say you’re far off.”

“Fuck off,” Remus said. His fame was still so new, he didn’t know how to wear it.

“Show me your bank account, if I’m so wrong.”

Remus rolled his eyes but did as he was told. He honestly hadn’t checked it in months. He had paid his rent in advance from the money of his single and all the rest of his bills came out automatically. Checking had always stressed him out before, and recently he had no reason to.

He pulled up his bank information on his phone - which would never not be weird to him, having a computer in his pocket - and almost dropped it when he saw the number: £271,431.55.

“Holy shit,” Remus said and showed it to Oliver.

“Holy shit,” he echoed. “You’re rich.”

Logically, Remus knew he was being paid. He knew that over a hundred million streams on his single alone equaled money. He knew that Phoenix was paying them to tour, but this was more money than Remus ever expected to make in the next ten years, let alone making it in a month. It felt fake.

“What the fuck,” Remus said. 

“What are we still doing in your run-down flat?” Oliver asked. 

“I guess I should move,” Remus said, still in shock.

“Yeah, we’re going apartment hunting. When’s the tour over?” Oliver said with finality.

“Tomorrow is our last day and then we have two weeks off to do whatever.”

“Wonderful. I’ll start contacting some estate agencies. I love house hunting.” Oliver looked genuinely excited at the prospect.

“Thank you,” Remus said and closed his eyes. Outside, cars passed and strangers shouted. Remus could hear the tv of his neighbors and the pacing feet from the flat above him. He couldn't believe was really getting out.

-

James picked up Remus the next morning at 7:15 am which Remus almost murdered him for when he heard the time. (“We can’t be late, Remus!”)

The car that morning was filled with similarly groggy people, with the exception of James who has never looked more refreshed. James was listening to the radio hosts and occasionally making little comments that the rest of the car ignored.

“Can we please stop for coffee?” Sirius asked.

“Please,” Peter added with desperation.

James rolled his eyes but drove them to the nearest coffee shop. Once they were all thoroughly caffeinated with their drinks of choice (earl grey for Remus, caramel iced coffee for Sirius, a hot chocolate for Peter, and chamomile for James), James pulled up to the theatre.

From the moment they stepped into the space, it was unlike any place they had ever been before. Thousands of seats stretched up to ceilings at least 50ft high. There were dozens of stagehands walking around, setting up sound equipment and instruments, and there was a line of lights lowered onto the stage where a technician was messing with them.

“Alright boys,” Marlene said in greeting. “I printed out the schedule for the day. Some things I want to highlight for you - we are going to be doing a lot of rehearsal. There will be a lot of pausing. If someone says ‘hold,’ you freeze and shut the fuck up. There will be a lot of downtime as the technicians do their job. It is your job to not be a problem. Understood?” 

They all nodded. It was clear that Marlene did not want to be fucked with today. Marlene gave them a tour of the theatre, complete with the winding halls of backstage and views from the mezzanine until she dropped them off in the green room. “Remember everyone. Marathon, not a sprint. If someone in black tells you to do something, follow instructions first, ask questions later. I’ll come to get you when we’re ready.”

And then she promptly left the room and Remus felt like they were little kids who had just been left by their mum. “Well, this will certainly be something,” Remus said.

“It’s exciting,” James said.

“Overwhelming is more like it,” Peter grumbled.

Indeed there had been people crawling all over the theatre - stagehands, designers, ushers, and even a photographer who was following them around the entire day. It was like walking into a well-oiled machine. They were no longer the only people working at their shows. Remus felt that if anything, the band was just the pretty face to a mass of people.

“Well, Marauders, gather round,” James said cheerily and the four of them all huddled together. Remus stood in between James and Peter. “It’s the last show of the tour, but by no means our last show. It’s been crazy. Our world has changed in more ways than we realize now. But we’re doing this together and that’s what matters.”

Remus looked up and locked eyes with Sirius from across the huddle. We’re doing this together.

“So let’s work hard today and end this tour on a high note. You’re all my brothers and there’s no one else I would rather have done this with.”

“Especially not Snivellus,” Sirius added.

“Especially not him,” James echoed with a grin. “Hands in, Marauders.”

Remus smiled as they piled their hands on top of each other. “I solemnly swear I am up to no good,” they said in unison. 

The day passed in a blur of rehearsal and lights and commands from people dressed in black. As their first big gig, they were given in-ear monitors to hear themselves over the crowd. The lights were so blinding even at rehearsal that Remus couldn’t see beyond the first few rows. It felt like his world was getting more and more estranged from reality.

But then the show was set to start soon and the band was relaxing in the green room. This was familiar - just the four of them passing time in a nameless backroom. If Remus closed his eyes, he could pretend the gathering audience was just another drunk crowd at a bar and the opening act was just some other band playing before them.

But then Remus opened his eyes and he was confronted with the reality of a fancy dressing room complete with catering and marble countertops. Across the room, Sirius was applying his makeup in a mirror lit with vintage light bulbs and Oliver’s words came back to Remus - Talk to him.

Remus summoned all the courage he had and walked over to Sirius. They hadn’t talked one on one since that day in the woods. He hadn’t been this close to Sirius in a while and he was struck by Sirius’ bright aristocratic beauty. One day it would stop shocking him, but today was not that day.

“Hey,” Remus said quietly.

Sirius looked up at him frozen. “Hi,” he said. He didn’t sound angry, just unsure. That was a good start.

“Should be crazy tonight,” Remus said.

“Yeah, our biggest crowd,” Sirius said and the conversation fell awkwardly. Had it always been this hard to talk to him?

“It’s weird to think how much has changed,” Remus said without thinking about its implications until it was too late.

“Not too much,” Sirius said, almost hopefully? Remus hoped he wasn’t reading too much into it.

“I don’t know. Peter speaks German now,” Remus said and Sirius burst out laughing. God, Remus had missed that sound.

“You’re right, Mr. Lupin. The world has turned on its head.” Sirius was smiling and Remus smiled too. “Are you wearing eyeliner tonight?” Sirius asked.

“Probably not,” Remus said. “I’m no good at it.” He had tried for a couple of shows before this. It was nightmarish.

“Come on, Remus. These are some bright lights. There’s a professional photographer. You don’t want to look washed out.” There was something almost flirtatious in Sirius’ voice, but then again, that could be just Sirius.

“Fine, I’ll ask Marlene to help me out,” Remus said and noticed how Sirius’ smile changed just a little when he mentioned Marlene instead. Remus was about to walk away to find her, but he paused and looked back at Sirius. “You’re gonna do great tonight. You always do,” and walked away before Sirius had a chance to respond.

-

The crowd was crazy. Absolutely insane. It was like nothing Remus had ever experienced - a sea of people all hooked on James’ words and Sirius’ beat. Every time James so much as opened his mouth, he was drowned out by screams. Every time Remus looked at any other member of the band, he knew that they were all thinking the same thing - I can’t believe this is real .

Halfway through the show, James got on the mic to an outpouring of thousands of screaming fans. “This next song we’re going to play is a kind of full-circle moment for us. It’s the first song we ever released, so it’s only fitting that we play it at the last show of our first tour. Thank you all for this. You’ve changed our lives in more ways than you know and we couldn’t have done it without you.”

Remus started strumming the opening chords and the crowd burst into cheers. They held up their cellphones with the flash on, a sea of blinking white lights in front of them. James sang out the first verse.

"I'm ready", she said as she put on her shoes

And I'm down to forget if you'll say it's true

And those drapes on the wall can't shut out the silence

Does it suck that I'm not so predictable?

The crowd sang along, loud and true. Since the album dropped, it wasn’t uncommon for a crowd to sing back to them, but this was different. It was thousands of voices uniting into one beautiful arrangement.

James looked over at Remus, and Remus could see tears welling up in his eyes as he sang on.

To me, evergreen wasn't such a bad dream

Oh, and sometimes things aren't as plain as they seem, darlin'

But James, too in awe of the crowd, couldn’t finish the last line as he stared out in wonder. The crowd sang it for him.

When I go, bury me six feet in snow

Remus had written this song in the aftermath of the horrendous break-up with Christopher Barley. It had come out of such pain. Remus thought it would never reach more than a few dozen drunk ears at shitty bars. But here it was being held up by this crowd like it was art.

Remus laughed with utter, unadulterated joy. This was his dream. This was the impossible thing he had fought tooth and nail for. Remus looked back and caught eyes with Sirius, a wild smile stretched across his face, and Remus knew he was thinking the same. Remus looked back out at the crowd. If he could save this moment and relive it a thousand times, he would. Remus' heart held more joy than he could ever remember.

Notes:

sheesh this is a long chapter. can yall tell it's finals week and I use this fic to avoid work yet still feel productive?

i would say the end is on the horizon but that's a dead lie. there is still so much to come. anyway if you're liking this leave a comment!

anyway, if you wanna be friends or send prompts or just say hi, my tumblr is here!

Chapter 13: mr. perfectly fine

Notes:

Songs in the Chapter:
Why'd You Only Call Me When You're High? by The Arctic Monkeys
Nobody by Mitski
Mr. Perfectly Fine by Taylor Swift

True to his word, Oliver dove headfirst into flat hunting. By the next day, (which Remus had spent the majority of sleeping. The tour had made him very exhausted.) Oliver showed up at his flat and dragged him out of bed. 

“You wasted no time,” Remus grumbled as he got on his coat and headed out the door.

“This is my time to live vicariously through your wealth and fame. Of course, I wanted to get started right away.”

They were meeting the real estate agent at the listing which Oliver refused to tell him where it was. Remus watched as the stops at the tube went closer and closer to the center of London, a place we never expected he could even shop at, let alone live.

When Oliver finally guided them off the tube, Remus full-on stopped in the middle of the station. “Hold on, are we in Kensington?”

Oliver just shot him a winning smile. “You’re a star now. It’s time you live like it.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Same old me.”

“That’s the best part,” Oliver said as he led Remus up the stairs and onto the streets.

The whole thing was so posh. Three-story terraced houses stretched across the streets. Tourists gawked at the red phone boxes and private parks. Remus felt like a total imposter.

They eventually came to a gorgeous bright white house in the middle of a line of houses. It had its own parking space and yard that Remus wouldn’t know what to do with.

The real estate agent met them at the door. She was very sweet and professional with bright blonde hair and a pantsuit. She gave them a tour, emphasizing marble countertops and places for grandfather clocks or grand pianos.

Remus smiled and nodded the whole time, but didn’t say much. Oliver was more than happy to say things for him, constantly asking questions about storage space or wine cellars, which the agent answered with ease. He was clearly having a lot of fun with this.

When they reached the bedrooms, it became very clear that the agent thought they were together. She talked about the space of the master bedroom and then carried them through the guest bedrooms or as she called them, “The children’s rooms if you two decide to have some little ones.”

Oliver was trying to keep a straight face but Remus played right into it. “Oh yes. I like the windows. I think it’s important for children to grow up with natural light.” It was the first time Remus had ever said anything really substantial the whole time.

“Yes and having the lawn for the children to play,” the agent encouraged.

“You gotta put a ring on it first babes before we discuss kids,” Oliver said before the conversation went too far away from them.

The agent laughed and they finished the tour. Once they got back onto the street, Remus looked at Oliver and said, “Absolutely not. No posh terraced house. No fancy neighborhood. I want a flat. Just a fine, normal, flat.”

"I hear you," Oliver said with a mischievous voice that implied he did not hear him at all.

The next day, Oliver dragged him out of bed yet again, this time to a flat in the center of the City of London. There were office buildings and large roads and enough tourists to remind Remus that London was one of the biggest cities in the world. As he walked down the street, he heard a dozen different languages and saw men and women dressed in business suits. Remus adjusted his own oversized sweater as if it would suddenly fit him right.

Oliver noticed what he was doing and swatted his arm, “Stop that. You look fine.”

“Easy for you to say.” Remus gestured to Oliver’s long pink coat and matching sunglasses. Wherever he found these items, Remus had no clue.

“Fashion’s all about confidence, dear.”

“Maybe for you,” Remus mumbled. 

Oliver rolled his eyes and roped an arm around his shoulders. “Come on, I think you’ll like this flat better.”

Remus did not like this flat better. It was two stories, an open plan, and minimalist designs. It was cold and harsh and somehow felt like even more of a betrayal of his working-class roots than the Kensington house had. 

At the end of it, Remus turned to Oliver and said, “Maybe staying in my flat isn’t that bad.”

“Oh, come on. I thought it was nice. It was sleek.”

“It was depressing. My flat has more character than that.”

“You’re not keeping your flat.”

“Well, I’m not living in that one.”

“If you want character, I’ll find you character. You’ll see.”

Remus had no doubt that Oliver would stay true to his word. If that boy was one thing, it was persistent. 

Oliver dropped Remus off at his flat and Remus let himself enjoy the evening to himself. He was enjoying the vacation from the tour. He’d ordered take-out for every meal just because he could. For once, he had nothing to do - no shifts at the bar, no odd jobs, no bills to pay. He could spend the entire evening in bed finally reading the books littering his floor guilt-free.

As the evening stretched into the night and Remus was halfway through some modern classic he didn’t even know he had, his phone rang. Remus didn’t know what to expect - maybe Oliver with an update on the housing search or Lily wanting to talk now that the tour is over.

What he did not expect was the name Sirius Black to pop up. There was no photo on the screen - something he didn’t even know he could do until Oliver saw his new phone and demanded a contact photo - but now he wished that he had one. He wished he had any photo of Sirius. The only thing Remus had now was his memories.

“Hello?” Remus asked tentatively when the call connected. Nerves shot through his body. Part of him wanted it to be some kind of mistake. A greater part of him wanted it not to be.

“Heyyy Remusss,” Sirius's slurred voice answered the phone. Of course, he was drunk. Remus had half the urge to hang up right then.

“Oh god, how much have you had?” Remus asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. Four or five cocktails. And then I think we did shots, and I smoked some weed. A lot of weed. I think too much weed.” Sirius giggled and Remus let out a long-suffering sigh.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” Remus said.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Sirius said, his voice distant. “Except that’s not really true, is it? You know more than anyone else.”

Remus couldn’t stand to listen to this any longer. “Why’d you call me, Sirius?”

“Nooo, don’t be like that,” Sirius whined. “Don’t be mad. I just wanted to talk to you.”

“Drink some water, Sirius,” Remus said with finality and hung up.

Remus wanted to throw his phone against the wall, but knowing the shit construction of his building, it’d probably leave a hole. Instead, he texted James, “Keep an eye on Sirius.”

He immediately received another call from Sirius, which Remus sent to voicemail, and then for good measure, turned his phone completely off.

He picked up his guitar, as he often felt compelled to do when there was no other outlet for him, and started singing a song, one for how he imagined Sirius would feel about this situation. 

Somewhere darker, talkin' the same shite

I need a partner, well, are you out tonight?

It's harder and harder to get you to listen

More I get through the gears

Incapable of makin' alright decisions, and havin' bad ideas

Remus indulged himself, allowed himself to imagine Sirius was actually thinking about him, actually caring about what he said and thought and did. He imagined a Sirius who was remorseful, one who missed Remus, who wanted him back.

Now it's three in the mornin' and I'm tryin' to change your mind

Left you multiple missed calls and to my message, you reply

"Why'd you only call me when you're high?"

"Hi, why'd you only call me when you're high?"

Remus wrote his song about an imaginary boy because somewhere out there Remus knew Sirius was wasted and he barely crossed Sirius' mind.

-

The last place Oliver had picked out for them was in Soho, which Remus already liked much better than the other places. It wasn’t too posh or modern. It had theatres and gayborhood and though it was a bit touristy, it was clear the place Oliver had picked out was private enough.

It was a penthouse situated on the third floor above a shop. The whole floor would be his, complete with large windows to let in England’s rainy skies. It had modern appliances, but it still held on to its historical roots with wood flooring and crown molding. 

When they walked in, Remus said aloud to the room, “This is it. This is the place.”

The real estate agent looked downright ecstatic and Oliver looked very smug with himself. As the woman walked them around, Remus fell in love more and more with its tiny details - the antique tiling, a gold decorative doorknob, the private balcony that overlooked a small garden.

“How soon can I move in?” Remus asked when the tour was over.

“It’s a definite yes?” the real estate agent asked.

“Definitely.” Remus was already planning out where he would put his furniture, once he bought some.

“Let me draw up the paperwork. You can move in as soon as you have your money in order. It’s 3-month rent upfront.”

“That won’t be a problem,” Remus said for the first time in his entire life.

Once everything was signed and money was exchanged, the keys were in Remus’ hand within an hour. Remus always thought it would take days, maybe weeks, but apparently, if you flash enough cash, things get done quickly.

Oliver insisted that Remus move in tonight because “One more night in that depressing room you call a flat will kill you.” Remus rented a moving van and the two of them spent the afternoon and evening unloading Remus’ flat and moving it into his new one. (Remus hopes to never walk a mattress up the stairs again).

He did not have enough stuff to fill up his space. Not even close. All he had was his bed, his books, and his kitchen stuff. His new flat had a multitude of rooms that he needed to fill, but that was for future Remus to worry about. Right now, he could enjoy the accomplishment of having it at all.

In celebration, Oliver and Remus ate takeout and drank champagne on the empty floors of Remus's new living room.

Oliver raised his glass to the sky, “To your new flat.”

Remus’ raised his own, “To getting the fuck out of that hellhole.” They both drank.

“So what’s your next move?” Oliver asked.

Remus sighed. “Write more songs. Get some furniture. Ignore all my problems.”

“Oh yes, and how is Sirius? Still have emo rich boy disease?”

Remus rolled his eyes, “Don’t call it that. He has his own problems.”

“Let’s see,” Oliver started listing them out on his fingers. “He’s emotional as all hell, check. He’s rich, check. He’s a boy, check. Sounds like a dead ringer to me.”

“He’s not that rich anymore,” Remus muttered.

“Baby, he was raised by Orion Black . That kind of upbringing never leaves you.”

Remus thought of Sirius’ sleepless nights on tour and the scars on his back, and he was inclined to agree with Oliver. “He called me last night.”

Oliver covered his mouth with his hand. “I’m sorry, what? What did he say?”

“He was like really out of it. Drunk and high and a mess.”

“I hate him,” Oliver said definitively.

“No, don’t be like that,” Remus said.

“Too late. Motherfucker broke your heart and now calls you drunk out of his mind. Who does think he is?”

“He’s just struggling with a lot,” Remus said.

“Stop making excuses for him!”

“I’m not!”

“But you are, Remus. Here are the facts. You guys were dating for weeks, spending every hour of your lives together.”

“We were never dating.”

“Even if you never said that you’re boyfriends, it’s close enough. He fucking has sex with you and then has the audacity to say he’s not gay. That’s fucked up, Remus.”

“It’s not his fault! His parents were - “

“Look, Remus, I don’t give a shit and neither should you. He took your heart and fucking crushed it like you meant nothing. I’m sorry that you still have feelings for him, but he’s an asshole.”

Oliver was right. Remus knew Oliver was right. But Remus had spent so much time being pissed at Sirius. It was exhausting. And nothing changed in the end, he still loved him and he hated himself for it.

“Can we talk about something else?” Remus asked.

Oliver’s voice softened, “Of course, babes. Wanna hear about some work drama?”

And Remus happily listened to all the petty shit people said over email. Oliver always knew how to distract him.

-

The first night alone in the flat was strange. Remus had managed to unpack all his boxes - which mostly meant his living room was covered in piles of books and nothing else. A side effect of moving from a shoebox flat to one with an actual separate living room, kitchen, and bedroom meant that he had no furniture to speak of. No couch, no coffee table, no curtains, or even a rug. The pitch back room was lit only by a few candles and the large windows that let in the city under the moonlight.

Instead of buying furniture that morning - which Oliver demanded Remus wait until he was with him to actually buy anything because Remus “could not be trusted with interior decoration” - Remus had gone to the music store and bought himself a fancy guitar, an expensive keyboard, and even a midi. He needed retail therapy after the call last night.

Remus had spent all afternoon and evening messing around with the new equipment. He made a bunch of shitty little songs but by the time the soon was suitably high in the sky, Remus had come up with something he liked.

Maybe it was the new apartment or the end of the tour or the fact that he was alone in an empty room, but Remus felt compelled to record a video of it. He set his phone up so that he was suitably in the frame, illuminated in soft orange light from the candles, and began to sing.

My God, I'm so lonely

So I open the window

To hear sounds of people

To hear sounds of people

He recorded the video multiple times with him playing the different instruments. Technology may have never been his strong suit before, but suddenly he felt like a child with a new toy. 

And I know no one will save me

I just need someone to kiss

Give me one good honest kiss

And I'll be alright

The video was cool, at least Remus thought. He had edited all the videos of him playing the different instruments into one video with the song playing underneath it. He wished the audio was higher quality, but it was almost nice that it wasn’t some studio level thing. It felt more honest that way. 

Towards the end of the song, Remus threw himself into the emotions of it. He always felt like his music was the one place he could be vulnerable.

Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody

Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody

Nobody, nobody, nobody, nobody

Remus went on to his Twitter - which right now was completely devoid of any text or photographs - and uploaded the video with the caption, “so many changes.”

He didn’t expect it to go anywhere. His only follower was Marlene. The only people he follows were people in the band and Oliver and Lily. 

What he forgot was that Marlene had the password to the Marauders Twitter and so, after a brief phone call with Remus that amounted to “The song is good. What the fuck are you doing?” The Marauders account started following him.

The superfans caught on to the fact that the band's account had followed somebody new and then the video spread to stan Twitter and then from there, caught on like wildfire.

Remus was completely overwhelmed by the response. There was an outpouring of excitement and questions about a new album or single from literally thousands of people. But more than that there was so much analysis or concern. Tweets like:

“Is Remus okay???”

“Somebody give this boy a hug right now.”

Or people who thought this was some kind of break-out move.

“Remus Lupin just proved he doesn’t need the Marauders, the Marauders Need Him.”

“Isn’t a little early for a solo album?”

But the overwhelming majority of people thought it was about Sirius, which of course it was, but they didn’t know that. 

Remus didn’t respond to a single comment, not even to confirm that the account was, in fact, his. By the time he uploaded the video, it was late anyway, so he turned off his phone and went to bed.

-

Remus woke up the next morning to his empty apartment. It felt like being a hotel, nothing quite felt like his but it wasn’t completely foreign. It was the same lumpy mattress and ratty comforter. He knew he should go out later this week and replace them, but some part of him still felt strange spending money. He didn’t know if those frugal habits would ever leave him.

He made himself some tea and checked his phone. Marlene had texted him congratulating him on the success of his song and asking about making it a single. Remus responded immediately. “I’m not sure. I don’t really want to record it with the whole band.”

By the whole band, he meant Sirius. He didn’t want Sirius anywhere near this. 

“So a solo single type thing? That might not go over well - make people think you’re breaking up,” Marlene replied immediately. That woman was always working.

“I’m okay with releasing it under the Marauders name if the rest of the band is. I just want to record it alone. I want to call it Nobody.”

“I’ll run it by the band and the studio and get back to you,” Marlene responded.

Remus then checked Instagram - yet another place he had a lurker account and nothing more. Last night, James had posted a video of Sirius. They were at some town square in Italy at night. Over the loudspeakers was playing one of the Marauder’s songs. Sirius realized it and laughed - bright and tipsy. He stands up and joins a group of dancing women - who all freak out and dance together, speaking Italian to Sirius despite him not knowing a word.

It was a sweet video that spoke to the international sensation they were becoming, but that’s not what Remus focused on. Remus focused on the way Sirius’ hands landed on a woman’s hips. He focused on Sirius’ whispers into her ear and the other woman’s loud laugh. Remus closed the app.

-

Remus’ face lit up the moment he saw Lily. They were meeting for a long overdue dinner. Somewhere between the tour and everything with Sirius, they had fallen out of touch. But seeing her, it was like no time had passed at all.

“Lily,” he said with a warm smile on his face.

Lily stood up and pulled him into a tight hug, “Oh, Remus. It’s been too long.”

“It has Lils. It really has.” They were in a relatively upscale Italian restaurant, one Remus would have never even entered before.

Remus wasted no time filling Lily in on everything that happened with Sirius - each time he retold it, it hurt a little less - and when he had finally finished the story, Lily said, “You know James has thought something was up, but he figured Sirius was just in a mood.”

Of all the things for Lily to say, Remus was not expecting that. “So you’re close with James then?”

A blush spread across Lily’s freckled cheeks. “We’re just friends. We talk.”

“Mmhmm,” Remus hummed, unconvinced. “I was given the impression that James was your enemy back at school.”

“I mean he was …” Lily said. “I don’t know. He’s actually really sweet and he listens. Like he actually apologized for how he acted in the past.”

“You like him,” Remus said knowingly.

“No…” Lily said, but it was clear that she hadn’t even convinced herself.

“You do.”

“Okay, I do,” Lily admitted like it was a delicious secret. “But I shouldn’t Remus. I really shouldn’t.”

“Why not? James is nice enough.”

“Because I’ve spent literal years telling him, myself, and the rest of the world that I wouldn’t date him if we were the last two people on Earth.”

“He’s not bad on the eyes either,” Remus said as if Lily hadn’t spoken.

“I know right?” she said with a smile. The two of them were co-conspirators in a way Remus hadn’t felt since grade school. “But what if it’s too late, Remus?” Lily continued. “I spent years rejecting him and he’s flat out told me he is okay with us just staying friends.”

“He wants more than that, Lily.”

“Has he told you?” 

Remus shook his head, “He doesn't need to.”

“I can only deal with what I know and what I know is that he just wants to be friends.”

“Maybe he just wants you in his life and if that’s only through friendship, then that’s how it’ll be.” Remus certainly knew that’s how it was for him.

At that moment, a young girl approached the table. She was clearly very nervous and was clutching her phone in hand. “Um, excuse me, Remus? I’m a huge fan. Can I get a photo?

Remus looked at the girl and then back to Lily in disbelief. He’d never been approached like this before, not when he wasn’t in a town he wasn't actively playing at that night. “Of course,” he smiled and got up from the table.

Lily took the photo for them. The girl gushed to Remus about her love of the Marauders and how the music got her through tough times. It was lovely but very overwhelming. Remus didn’t really know what to say, so he thanked her and she left to wherever her family was eating dinner.

“Does that happen a lot?” Lily asked.

“Never,” Remus said. “I mean after a show, of course, and sometimes if we were walking around a town we had a gig in. But never like that.”

“I can’t believe I’m dining with a real celebrity,” Lily said.

Remus rolled his eyes, but it was becoming harder and harder to say that it was a lie.

-

That Saturday night, Remus, Lily, and Oliver, all went out to karaoke. Oliver had been helping Remus pick out furniture and decor and when Remus told him about his dinner with Lily, he demanded they be introduced.

Of course, they were getting on like wildfire. It seemed like every sentence was punctuated by laughter and Remus thought that he might have created a deadly combination.

The karaoke bar was packed, so they were already four drinks in by the time their songs came on. Oliver and Lily absolutely killed their rendition of Honey, Honey from Mama Mia. Lily then went on to sing Love Story by Taylor Swift that got the whole bar singing by the end of it.

And because Remus was absolutely intoxicated and because he was a secret Swiftie, when he took his turn, he put on Mr. Perfectly Fine, which he poured his entire heart into.

Hello Mr. "Perfectly fine"

How's your heart after breaking mine?

Mr. "Always at the right place at the right time, " baby

Hello Mr. "Casually cruel"

Mr. "Everything revolves around you"

The crowd was loving it, cheering him on and whooping for him, even some people singing along. It was like playing for the Marauders, but so much better because these people didn’t idolize him or make him out to be some kind of god that he’s not. They just wanted to sing a good song.

Mr. "Never told me why"

Mr. "Never had to see me cry"

Mr. "Insincere apology so he doesn't look like the bad guy"

As Remus sang to the crowd, he spotted a young woman recording on her cellphone. He didn’t know if she was a fan or not, but he sent a wink her way and sang directly into camera.

'Cause I hear he's got his arm 'round a brand-new girl

I've been pickin' up my heart, he's been pickin' up her

And I never got past what you put me through

But it's wonderful to see that it never phased you

As he jumped back into the chorus, the whole room sang with him. He jumped around like he wrote the song himself and at the end of the music, he gave an overdramatic bow to the applauding crowd. 

He found Oliver and Lily after and they pulled him into their table with another cocktail already in hand. As he drank, he forgot all about the woman with the cellphone. He lost himself in the crowd and cheered on other karaoke singers, especially the shit ones. He laughed with his friends and felt normal for the first time in months.

Unbeknownst to Remus, the video the woman took of his performance had spread across Twitter. Unbeknownst to Remus, it reached the cellphone of Sirius Black half a continent away. Unbeknownst to Remus, Sirius watched it three times, downed his drink, and watched it another time. 

-

The next week flew by in a blur. Remus spent most of it sleeping and decorating his flat with the help of Oliver and Lily.

Remus had also gotten a text that Monday from Marlene that gave him the all-clear to record his new song at the studio. The energy in the studio with it just being him and the Longbottoms was unlike any other time he was there. He was used to directing the rest of the band and then letting them put their own spin on it.

Now it was all on him and he had to deliver. It was both liberating and confining. He didn’t have to worry about anyone’s feelings or them playing it wrong. But also, now Remus had to be the one to deliver, to sing these notes right and play the melody correctly. It was all a bit draining and he was glad when it was over.

The album art was an overlay of him in the studio, playing each instrument himself. Part of him felt guilty for doing it alone, but he had to trust Marlene when she said the others had said it was okay.

He celebrated the release alone that Saturday night because it felt like the right thing to do. Oliver had offered to celebrate it with him, but Remus really did just want it to be him and only him. 

Which is of course, when there was a buzz for his door. For a second, he was scared his address had gotten leaked online, but nevertheless, he spoke on the intercom, “Hello?”

“Hey, Moony. Can I come up?”

Remus didn’t even know Sirius was back from his Italian vacation, though it made sense, they were expected at the offices in two days. Why Sirius was at his door, however, he had no clue.

Remus let him up and tried not to freak out. He quickly started tidying his flat, though he had hardly any time to get it dirty in the first place.

A knock came at the door and Remus opened it and gestured for Sirius to enter. Sirius immediately started looking around like he was at a museum. Remus just leaned against the wall, out of Sirius’ way.

“How’d you get my address?” Remus asked.

“I got it from James who got it from Lily,” Sirius said as he examined some wall art Oliver had picked out.

“How was Italy?” Remus asked. All his questions were stilted because Remus was leaving the most important one unanswered - Why are you here?

“Italy was nice. Very pretty. Good to get out of the tour bus.” Sirius still wasn’t looking at him. 

Remus let it fall silent as he watched Sirius look around the room, at the furniture, the books, the rug, anything but Remus, until at last Sirius looked straight at the other man. 

“Can we be okay? Please?” Sirius asked. “I miss you.” There was so much pain in his voice.

“I can’t do that again, Padfoot,” Remus said, despite everything in his body telling him the opposite. Remus knew it was a lie. He would do it again in a heartbeat.

“No, we don’t have to…” Sirius trailed off. He played with the rings on his fingers. “I miss being your friend. I miss laughing with you and getting tattoos and writing songs. I just can’t stand this wall that’s between us.”

It wasn’t an apology. It wasn’t even close, but Remus forgave him. “Yeah, of course, we can be friends. We’re in this together, aren’t we?”

Sirius smiled, “Yeah, together.”

Notes:

hello friends, can u tell that i'm reading get off your phone by thebiinbitch? it's quite good if u want a fun college au texting fic

thank u to lilly for the emo rich boy disease, maybe one day she'll actually read this fic. thank u to princessspendragon for the balcony idea, i will utilize that in the future.

if u have any suggestions or just want to say hi, feel free to comment or talk to me on my tumblr!

Chapter 14: heart like yours

Notes:

Songs in this Chapter:
I Don't Miss You by Finneas
Tattoos Together by Lauv
Bang Bang Bang Bang by Sohodolls
As The World Caves In by Matt Maltese
Heart Like Yours by Williamette Stone

The first day back at the studio, James embraced Remus like long-lost lovers reuniting after months at sea. “Remus, my boy, how have you been?”

Remus laughed lightly. It felt nice to be able to laugh freely again, without worrying about Sirius’ eyes watching him. “It’s been good. I moved.”

“Yes, Lily told me.”

After Sirius had told him that he wanted to be friends again, the two of them had spent the night playing music together in Remus’ living room. They had let out all the residual anger and resentment into the jam session and now Remus had no problem making eye contact across the room. He felt no type of way about how his heart would skip a beat whenever Sirius sent him that Sirius Black grin.

“You know what Lily told me?” Sirius said as he started warming up on the drums.

“Since when do you talk to Lily?” Remus challenged.

“Since James brought her around last night.”

Remus turned to James with a raised eyebrow. 

“What? We’re just friends,” James said and Remus hummed unconvincingly in response.

“What did Lily tell you?” Remus prompted Sirius.

“That our dear old friend Snivellus has joined a new band,” Sirius said with a storyteller’s flair. “They go by the name the Death Eaters.” James nodded, clearly already having been told this story. 

“The old bassist?” Remus asked and Sirius nodded. “Are they trying to be edgy or something?” 

“Who knows?” Sirius replied. “It’s stupid as hell though.”

“Did you hear that, Wormtail?” James asked.

Peter looked up from where he was practicing silently on the keyboard. “Oh, yeah. I mean, good for Snape for moving on.”

“Good for Snape?” Sirius exclaimed in disbelief. “No, fuck that asshole! I hope he rots.”

“What exactly did he do?” Remus asked. He might have been present at the final argument but he had never gotten the full story.

“The motherfucker,” Sirius began but James put a hand on his shoulder and picked up the story.

“So me, Sirius, Peter, Lily, and Snape all went to school together. Of course, the three of us were friends and Lily and Snape were friends.”

“Snape and Lily hated us,” Peter added factually.

“Yes, they found our pranks, ‘childish and immature,’ and Lily especially did not take kindly to my constant pursuit of her hand. Anyway, Lily still had a bunch of classes together with us and so when we asked her if she knew anyone who played bass, she said Snape did. So we invited him to our band.”

“The worst mistake of our lives,” Sirius muttered.

“Hey, if we never had Snivellus to kick out,” James said, “We would have never met Remus.”

Sirius’ eyes locked with Remus and Sirius’ face softened, “I guess you’re right Prongs.”

“So we start playing and at first it’s not that bad. He is a really skilled musician.”

“Though not as good as you, Moony,” Sirius said.

“Of course. So the band was going well but when we left school, it sort of fell apart. Then about a year ago, we decided to get it back together, so we called up Snape and he was ready to join, but at this point, he had changed.”

“He was always a slimy git,” Sirius said.

“Yes, but now he was a racist slimy git. He had gotten indoctrinated by this alt-right group that wanted the restoration of the glory of the British Empire, whatever the hell that meant.”

“What the fuck?” Remus said.

“Yeah and so when we found this out a few weeks after getting the band back together, we kicked him out and that was the night we met you.”

“And now he has a band of his own,” Sirius said.

“Let’s hope we never see them,” James grumbled.

At that moment, Marlene walked into the room. “Good, you’re all here. I hope you all enjoyed your vacation. Remus, you got a new song?”

“Yup,” Remus said and started going over it with the band. The song was about Sirius - everything he wrote these days was about Sirius - but he decided he wanted to record it anyway. The label was pushing them to put out as much music as possible to capitalize on their rising fame.

He walked James through the lyrics and Peter through the melody like a conductor for a symphonic orchestra. Remus would have to spend hours with the Longbottom later really fine-tuning the sound but for now, he just focused on getting it out of his head. When Remus talked to Sirius about the beat, James was still practicing singing through the verse.

I swear I don't

Miss you at all

And I barely still remember

Who's in the pictures on my wall

James always sang best when he was singing about Lily, so Remus added her name in just for him.

'Cause, no, I can't

Recall your scent

Jasmine, Tuberose, and Lily

Or your silly French accent

“Is this song about me?” Sirius asked. Remus was standing close to him, having gone through the rhythm for the drums and now both of them were admiring James' breath control.

Remus tried to play it cool. Of course, it was about Sirius, but Remus thought Sirius would’ve had the good manners not to say anything. 

“I see an Italian vacation hasn’t fixed your ego,” Remus joked, carefully sidestepping the question.

“My ego is perfectly healthy, thank you very much,” Sirius replied.

“And so humble too.” It was like a wave of relief to be able to joke with him again.

“So do you have the whole album written then?”

Remus glanced at where his notebook sat at the table. “Not even close. I’m sure I can find some old songs to dredge up, but I like it better when the emotions are fresh.”

“Well, I could come over tonight, if you want. We could work on them together.”

Remus looked up at Sirius who was smiling and looked almost nervous. “I’d liked that,” Remus replied and Sirius’ face broke into a wild grin.

After recording the song was finished, James cheered at a job well done. Remus embraced him and then shared a wide grin with Peter and Marlene. He turned to Sirius and it all suddenly felt so different. It always did. Sirius gave a small smile. It was clear he was proud of Remus and the band, but it was a little sad too. Remus did his best to give a smile back.

-

Sirius came over that night after dinner. Remus had been trying and failing all evening to come up with something to workshop with Sirius. Remus had never had to write on a deadline before. He was used to waiting for inspiration to strike. He was not doing well with the pressure from the studio.

Sirius showed up with a notebook and a giant box in hand.

“Um, what is that?” Remus asked as Sirius pushed past him into his living room.

“It’s a tattoo gun,” Sirius said and he started setting it up on the coffee table.

“And what is it doing here?” 

“Tattoos,” Sirius said as if they had planned this all along. 

Remus rolled his eyes. “I forgot the perfect inspiration for a hit album is tattoos.”

Sirius flashed him a winning smile. “Now, you’re getting it.”

“I am not sober enough to get a tattoo,” Remus said and went to his kitchen to grab a cider for Sirius and himself. When he returned, Sirius was already sketching out some small tattoo design in-between song lyrics. “You should really go to a professional for a tattoo.”

“I don’t recall you having any professional tattoos,” Sirius remarked.

“Yeah, but I was broke my entire life. What’s your excuse now?”

“It’s more fun when your friends do them.”

Remus couldn’t exactly argue with that logic. His tattoos might be small and ugly, but every time he looked at them, he always smiled remembering drunken nights with his friends.

“Still, the studio wants the album as soon as possible,” Remus argued.

“Then write a song about tattoos then, Moony. No time like the present.”

Remus thought Sirius was being ridiculous, but he clearly had no plans to let this tattoo idea go. Remus grabbed his guitar and notebook and started brainstorming tattoo songs for the joke of it all.

Tattoos together, something to remember

“Hell yeah, keep going,” Sirius said in response to Remus’ singing.

“This is stupid,” Remus said.

“So then write a stupid song,” Sirius responded as he filled the gun with the ink.

If it's way too soon, fuck it, whatever

Give me shapes and letters

If it's not forever, then at least we'll have tattoos together

Remus took the time to write down the lyrics and some chords in his notebook, but he didn’t think anything would come of it.

“Okay,” Sirius said as he slid his notebook over to Remus. “Can you tattoo this on me?”

On the page was the word ‘whatever’ in all caps and sharp lines. Remus was honestly relieved that it wasn’t extremely complex.

“Yeah, probably. Where do you want it?”

Sirius began taking off his shirt and Remus had to force himself to stay calm. It wasn’t anything he hadn’t already seen before, but he didn’t want to stare. Sirius was an attractive man and Remus couldn’t deny that despite everything that happened, he was still attracted to him. 

Remus settled for focusing on Sirius’ eyes, which also proved to be a mistake the minute he was under Sirius’ intense stare. 

“I was thinking just under my collarbone, kind of following that line,” Sirius said softly.

Remus raised an eyebrow, “You aren’t concerned about it being visible?”

“Oh no, it will ruin my chances of getting hired. How will I ever get a job at Tesco after this?” Sirius deadpanned. 

“Fair enough,” Remus said. It wasn’t actually employability Remus was worried about. Some part of Remus still saw Sirius as a respectable posh boy no matter how hard the other boy tried to run from it.

Sirius laid on the couch and Remus leaned over him with a pen, writing out the word on his skin. Remus supposed it should have been awkward, but Sirius still felt so natural under his touch.

“Last chance to back out now,” Remus said as he got the tattoo gun in hand and read over the instructions.

“I’m not backing out,” Sirius said stubbornly.

“I’m just saying I’ve never done this before and there’s a good chance that it will be horrible.”

“Then it’ll be horrible,” Sirius responded. “It’s not really about the tattoo anyway.” Sirius locked eyes with Remus and gave him a small smile which Remus returned instantly. 

It shouldn’t be this easy to fall back in rhythm with Sirius. - the jokes, the smiles, the casual touching. He was just so intoxicating to be around.

Remus set to work on the tattoo. He made Sirius shut up because he was terrified of fucking it up. That didn’t however stop Sirius from humming under his breath songs from the album. After weeks on tour, Remus honestly did not want to hear any of their songs ever again, but in Sirius’ soft hum, it somehow didn’t get on his nerves.

When Remus finally finished 45 minutes later, Sirius stood up and rushed to a mirror. Remus appeared beside him and became overwhelmed with deja vu for when they stood like this on the tour bus - Sirius admiring his tattoo, Remus standing behind him. 

His heart ached to go back to then, back to a time where it wouldn’t be an issue if he leaned over and kissed Sirius because Sirius would kiss him right back.

“Another great piece of work, Mr. Lupin."

Remus smiled, “I’ve been thinking about going pro.”

“Don’t you dare,” Sirius responded. “The Marauders need you.” Remus was saved from responding by Sirius tumbling out the room and shouting, “Let’s smoke on the balcony!” It occurred to Remus that they might do very little songwriting tonight.

Remus followed Sirius out onto the private balcony that overlooked the garden. Remus had yet to buy any furniture for it, so Sirius and Remus leaned against the railing and listened to the chirping of birds and rushing of London traffic. Sirius pulled out a pack of cigarettes and handed one to Remus.

“Damn, you finally got your own pack,” Remus said. 

“Yeah, I figured I should stop bumming off you,” Sirius said, though they both knew the real reason why Sirius had to stop stealing Remus’ cigs.

Remus took an easy drag and let the smoke fill the air. “Sorry for getting you hooked.”

Sirius just shrugged. “I got to spend time with you at least.”

Remus knew they were talking around it all and they were quickly approaching a point where they either had to confront what happened between them or pretend it never happened. Remus was leaning toward the latter, if only because he was scared if they even tried to talk about it, Sirius would run away again.

They smoked in silence for a while, watching the smoke spiral up towards the evening sky and listen to the chatter of the street below.

“We never did continue our french lessons,” Sirius said.

“Yeah, because you’re a shit teacher,” Remus responded without missing a beat.

Sirius held a hand of mock shock over his chest. “ excusez moi, ” Sirius said. “I’m a fantastic teacher.”

“Have you ever actually taught anyone anything?” Remus challenged

“Have you?” Sirius shot back.

“I used to teach piano and bass to kids after school back home,” Remus said.

“Of course you have,” Sirius said. “I swear it’s like you’re trying to be perfect.”

It was a flirt, but that’s just how Sirius was. “Well, one of us has to be,” Remus responded.

“ Tu es parfait pour moi, ” Sirius said in a perfect French accent.

“One of these days I’ll learn French, but I won’t tell you and next time you insult me in French, I will know.”

“What makes you think I’m insulting you?” Sirius asked.

“Because you always wear that shit-eating grin when you speak French.”

“ Oh combien tu as tort ,” Sirius said with that same grin. 

“ ewch i chwarae gyda dy nain ,” Remus responded and Sirius’ mouth fell open in shock.

“You know Welsh?” Sirius asked like an excited kid.

Remus shrugged. “A bit. I’m better at listening than speaking. My parents would speak it around the house.”

“Tu es merveilleux ma lune, ” Sirius said in wonder and Remus just rolled his eyes, too bothered to figure out what he said.

“Come on, let’s go back inside and work on some of your songs.”

“Can I give you a tattoo first?”

Remus was inclined to say no, but the alcohol was starting to hit him, and honestly, he’d been wanting another tattoo.

“If it’s small,” Remus said as he led them back inside. 

“Yessss,” Sirius said and then practically ran to the tattoo gun. 

“You have to let me go through your notebook while you do it,” Remus said as he started taking off his shirt. 

Sirius simply handed him the notebook to where Remus had laid on the couch. “Where do you want the tattoo?”

Remus gestured vaguely to a spot on the side of his chest. He really didn’t care where as long as it distracted from the large white scar that ran across his skin. It felt so nice to have Sirius be the one to do it, someone who didn’t stare or find his scars weird. Sirius always treated his scars like they were beautiful, even now after seeing them so many times, he still traced his fingers lightly along its edge.

As Sirius began cleaning the area and marking out some shape in pen, Remus started flipping through the notebook. Not all of it was song lyrics - there were lists and doodles and sometimes the handwriting Remus recognized as distinctly James’.

The tattoo gun let out its mechanic buzzing as it dug into Remus’ skin. It was painful but not as bad as his stick and pokes had been. The sensation was duller and more precise.

As Sirius worked, Remus stumbled across some lyrics he really liked. He could imagine them easily as the intro to a song.

Teacher says that I've been naughty

I must learn to concentrate

But the girls they pull my hair

And with the boys, I can't relate

Unlike Remus’ lyrics, Sirius’ writing had an unflinching direct quality to them. He didn’t often dress things up in metaphor.

Daddy says I'm good for nothing

Mama says that it's from him

Manic cousin thinks I'm cracking

Brother says it's in my genes

Remus continued flipping through the pages. There were more songs like this - a lot of stuff about parents and family and all the pressure that comes from that. More than a few of them get dark. If the Marauders produced any of them, it would be a hard departure from the mostly lovesick tunes of their first album, but Remus didn’t think that was such a bad thing.

“Okay, all done,” Sirius said and detached himself from where he had been hovering over Remus’ chest.

Remus looked down and immediately burst out laughing. “You did not just tattoo, ‘hi’ on my chest.”

“You said to keep it small,” Sirius said with a mischievous grin.

“Well, it certainly is small.” Remus couldn’t help but notice it was matching handwriting to the ‘whatever’ etched under Sirius’ collarbone.

Sirius was leaning against the armchair, looking up at Remus with a look that Remus knew could lead to things they’d regret.

It didn’t stop Remus from staring back. Sirius didn’t shy away, so Remus raised an eyebrow. Sirius approached Remus and very gently took his notebook out of Remus’ hands. Remus didn’t dare move.

Sirius placed the notebook on the coffee table and very tenderly wrapped a hand around the back of Remus’ neck. Remus let himself be guided to Sirius’ lips and they shared a soft kiss. 

Sirius pulled away and they stared at each other, their faces just inches away. Remus wanted so badly to surge forward and pull him into an all-consuming kiss. He wanted to pull Sirius into his bed and never let him leave.

But Remus knew he couldn’t. He wouldn’t allow himself that heartbreak again.

“Sirius,” Remus said and the other boy knew. He instantly pulled his hands off Remus and stood up.

“I’m sorry,” he said and reached for where he had discarded his shirt to get tattooed. “I know you said you didn’t wanna do this. I just thought...”

“What?” Remus said with an edge to his voice. 

“I mean, it was fun, wasn’t it?” 

Remus scoffed. “We were having sex, of course it was fun."

"So then what's the problem?"

Remus fought the strong urge to punch some sense into Sirius' head. "Because it was also complicated, Sirius. It was never just sex for me.”

“It’s not like we ever went on dates,” Sirius said as if Remus was being the ridiculous one.

“That’s the exact fucking problem!” Remus began raising his voice. “We’d always be all over each other or we’d stay up talking in the middle of the night or you’d do my fucking makeup every single show and then have the balls to act like it didn’t mean anything.”

Sirius looked at a loss. “I didn’t mean it to be like that.”

“Exactly,” Remus said harshly. Then as an afterthought, Remus muttered, “Oliver would kill me if I went back to you anyway.”

Sirius caught on to it immediately. “Oh, so it’s about Oliver?”

Remus let out a groan of frustration. “No, it’s not. Though you’ve had a fucking problem with Oliver since day one which I’ve never understood.”

Sirius opened his mouth to defend himself but Remus cut him off.

“No, I actually do understand. I know exactly why you hate Oliver. It's because Oliver isn’t afraid of going to gay bars or dressing ‘gay’ or fucking being gay. Oliver doesn’t take personal fucking offense if people think he could be dating a man because unlike you, Oliver has the balls to take pride in his sexuality, especially when he has tongue down another boy’s throat.”

“Fuck you.” Sirius’ hands were shaking.

“That’s the problem, babes. You want to.” Remus should have ended it there, but everything was coming to the surface now. “Maybe that’s the real reason you hate Oliver - because you felt threatened.”

“Threatened? By what?” Sirius scoffed.

“By the fact that we’re close. But guess what Sirius? As you’ve made it abundantly clear, you’re not my fucking boyfriend. So unless you’re planning to take me on a date anytime soon, it shouldn’t fucking matter who I am or am not fucking.”

“Fine!” Sirius shouted. “Then let’s go out to dinner!”

“I’m not going out to dinner with you just so you can get in my pants.”

“Do you think that’s all this is?” Sirius’ voice was veering from anger to desperation.

“You’ve made it perfectly clear that that is exactly what this is.”

Sirius ran a distressed hand through his hair. “Remus, I fell apart without you.” All the anger was gone from his voice. “The weeks we weren’t talking were some of the worst weeks I’ve had in years. I was wrong that day in the woods. I was fucking terrified because I had convinced myself that if I pretended like it didn’t matter, then it wouldn’t. But fuck, Moony, I can’t stop thinking about you. I thought just being your friend could be enough, but it’s not. I want you back. All of you.”

Remus stared at Sirius like he was someone entirely new. He had never expected Sirius of all people to be so vulnerable. Remus didn’t know there was even more to fall in love with.

“Look, I get it if you don’t feel the same way you did last month and I can’t promise it’ll ever be easy with me. I’m moody and erratic and I’m still working through a lot of things and I know I’ve been awful and I don’t deserve your forgiveness. But Remus, if you’ll have me, I’ll be yours.”

Remus considered turning him down, making him feel the exact heartbreak Remus felt that day in the woods. But looking at Sirius now, he knew Sirius had felt the agony too.

Remus stepped the few feet across his living room and kissed Sirius like he was the only person in the world. Sirius’ hands fell on Remus’ hips and soon Remus pulled Sirius away from the kiss and into an embrace.

Sirius whispered into Remus’ ear, “I’m sorry.” Remus just shook his head. He was already forgiven. 

Remus doesn’t know how long they stood there, clinging to each other like it was the end of the world. At some point, Remus led them back to his bedroom where they fell asleep with their arms intertwined.

-

Remus woke the next morning to Sirius snoring lightly against his chest. The morning sun streamed in through the windows and lit the whole room in a golden glow. Through Remus’ joy, a song danced into his head and he grabbed his phone to record a soft voice memo before Sirius woke up.

And here it is, our final night alive

And as the earth runs to the ground

Oh boy it's you that I lie with

As the atom bomb locks in

Oh it's you I watch TV with

As the world, as the world caves in

Sirius stirred against Remus’ chest. “Sounds nice,” he mumbled and cuddled in closer. Remus’ heart could have exploded right there and then.

They laid in bed for a few moments more, before Remus remembered that they do have to go into the studio today. “Come on, Padfoot. We gotta get ready.”

Sirius just groaned and buried himself deeper into Remus’ side. Remus laughed and gently pushed him away as he went to stand up. He showered and got dressed all before Sirius had gotten out of bed. He figured he would allow him a few more minutes to rest and went out into the main room.

Remus began cleaning up from last night. It wasn’t too bad, just beer bottles and alcohol wipes. Sirius’s notebook was still sitting on the coffee table and so Remus picked it up and flipped through it a little more. In it, he spotted some lyrics he had missed last night.

How could a heart like yours ever love a heart like mine?

How could I live before?

How could I have been so blind?

You opened up my eyes

Remus smiled. He knew what song he would pitch to Marlene today.

-

Remus was late. After another successful recording session, James decided he would host a mid-week party at his and Sirius’ flat. They hadn’t hosted one since the tour began and Remus had started to miss the casual, no-pressure vibe of the Potter flat.

Remus had fully intended on getting there on time, or at least at some vestige of fashionably late, but as Remus boarded the crowded tube, he noticed some girls staring at him and whispering. At this point, he was starting to get a pretty good sense of when people were recognizing him.

Remus knew he was probably the least approachable Marauder. Between his slashing scars and quiet demeanor, he had nothing of James’ smiles or Sirius’ charm or even Peter’s jokes. So as the girls continued to stare, Remus looked over at them and gave them a small smile and a wave.

The girls burst out into giggles and politely asked for a photo with Remus. Once the cellphone was out, other people started to notice Remus and soon people began forming a crowd around Remus. A few people clearly didn’t even know who he was but just wanted a photo with a celebrity. 

He was happy to do it. He was happy people cared about his work, but it was very overwhelming to no longer be a private person, to have people constantly staring at him, and to be crowded around like art in the museum and not a living breathing person.

Remus got off two stops after where he should have, in case anyone was still following him. He only got stopped once walking to the Potter flat, which Remus considered a win.

When he finally arrived at the flat, the party was in full swing - loud music, intoxicated laughter, and empty shot glasses on the table. When he walked in, everyone cheered and got up to give him a hug. It almost felt like coming home.

There weren't a lot of people there, just James, Sirius, Lily, and Mary (who from the looks of it was there as Lily’s friend and nothing more). Peter was absent but that didn’t seem to stop any of the fun.

“Finally!” James shouted over the music. “We were getting worried.”

“Yeah, sorry. I got recognized on the tube and things kind of devolved from there.” Remus set down his stuff and took a seat on the couch next to Sirius.

He didn’t know how he was supposed to act around Sirius so he sat at a distance appropriate for close friends. Sirius smiled when he sat down and put his arm around the back of the couch. It wasn’t resting on his shoulders or anything, but sometimes his fingertips would graze Remus just so. It was exhilarating to play this game with him again. To be in a room of people and know they were the only ones who knew.

“Remus, you need to catch up,” Mary said and started pouring him a shot of some kind of clear liquor, which Remus downed with no problem.

“So you’re late because you’re too busy being a celebrity?” Lily joked. 

Remus rolled his eyes. “Something like that.”

“What can we say, Evans? We’re teen heartthrobs,” Sirius said with a wild grin.

Mary snorted. “You wish.”

“Well, let’s ask Remus,” James joined in. “Were or were not the people who stopped you teenagers?”

“They were,” Remus said.

“There you have it, Macdonald. We’re living the high life now,” Sirius bragged. 

“Speaking of celebrity, Snivel- I mean, Snape,” James corrected himself with a glance toward Lily, “just joined that new band the Death Eaters. I was looking into them more and their drummer is that rich asshole Lucius Malfoy.”

“God, I hate that fucker,” Sirius said and even Lily made a face. 

“Careful there,” Remus said to Sirius. “You’re a rich asshole.” Sirius rolled his eyes but pressed their knees against each other. 

“I don’t know why Severus hangs out with that crowd,” Lily said.

“I do,” Sirius replied. “I used to see it all the time growing up. It’s people who hang around old money to get a glimpse at that lifestyle and try to get a shred of respect that the old families already have. At best, they’re henchmen, at worst they’re dogs.”

It’s at times like these that Remus remembers just what kind of world Sirius came from. He glanced over at Lily and he could tell they were thinking the same thing. Remus poured himself another shot.

“Real classy, Black,” Mary quipped.

Sirius held up his hands in surrender, “Hey, I didn’t like it any more than you.” It was always little moments where Remus was reminded where exactly Sirius was from.

“I mean, I don’t want to defend Severus because he’s awful and terrible and has caused me a lot of pain, but some part of me still cares about him.” 

 “What happened between you two?” Remus asked and just by that one question, the air in the room tightened.

“I mean nothing like dating or anything. I think he might have liked to but it was never like that for me,” Lily said. “When I got to school, he was like the only person who was nice to me. You have to imagine this posh school filled with heirs to multi-million fortunes.” Lily’s eyes flickered to James and Sirius. “And Severus and I were the only people from working-class backgrounds. He understood what it was like to be a fish out of water.

“But then we got older. I mean we were never popular, but I think it just hurt him a lot more. He felt like he had something to prove. He wanted to show that he was better than all of the posh boys. That’s when he started hanging out with that whole nationalistic crowd. I guess because it was a club he could finally be a part of. When I tried to tell him they were bad news, he had some choice words for me - somehow both insulted me and tried to get me to join his side. It was really upsetting. I told him if that’s how he feels then I guess we couldn’t be friends. We still would talk every so often after that, but it was never the same.”

The room was quiet for a moment, taking in Lily’s story, though most of them already knew it. 

“Well,” Remus said to break the silence, “It sounds like you dodged a bullet.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Mary said and she started pouring everyone another round of shots.

The night became a bit blurry after that. Remus remembered there was a lot of dancing and singing and at some point, Lily convinced him to invite Oliver. Despite the relatively small size of the flat, Remus still managed to lose track of Sirius at some point in the night. He checked in the bedrooms but eventually decided to check the roof.

Sure enough, Sirius was leaning against the ledge, smoking a cigarette, and staring up at the stars. Remus took a moment to admire the beautiful man before him, lounging casually like a fucking Greek god, his high cheekbones and long black hair reflected in the moonlight.

“Hey,” Remus said as he walked over and stood beside Sirius. 

Sirius looked over at him with an easy smile, “Hey.” Sirius let out a puff of smoke and the two of them watched as if drifted up toward the sky.

“Those things kill you, you know?” Remus said.

Sirius cracked a grin, “That’s too bad because I think they make me look damn cool.”

Remus let out a genuine laugh, “Of course you do. You would get addicted for the aesthetic.”

“I got addicted because it gave an excuse to talk to this cute boy.”

It took everything in Remus not to break eye contact. “Oh really? Sounds like poor decision-making on your part.”

Sirius’ eyes flickered to Remus’ lips. “I'm not known for my good decisions,” he said, put out his cigarette, and pulled Remus into a bruising kiss. He tasted like cigarettes and alcohol but Remus was more than a bit tipsy himself and all his mind could focus on was the taste of Sirius’ tongue and Sirius’ hands on his back.

“What the fuck is going on here?” a voice called from across the roof. Sirius and Remus instantly broke apart as Oliver walked up to them.

“Hey Oliver,” Sirius said, stepping back from where his hands had laid on Remus’ skin.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Oliver was practically fuming.

“Hey - “ Remus tried to cut in but Sirius was already answering.

“What’s it to you?” Sirius stepped closer to Oliver. It was some sort of attempt at macho-intimidation and Remus hated the whole thing.

“That’s my best friend you’re fucking over. That’s what it is to me.”

“Well, Remus can make his own decisions. He doesn’t need you to fend for him like a little lap dog.”

Oliver took a step closer to Sirius. “I don’t what you’ve said to trick him into believing you but I know men like you. You use your looks to charm boys your way but dump them the minute it gets serious. You demand it all has to be a secret. You flaunt girls on your arms. You think you’re special because you have some kind of trauma? Well, boohoo babes. We’ve all got our demons. We’ve all had to struggle to figure out ourselves, but unlike you, we know not to take it out on other fucking people.”

“Oliver!” Remus shouted.

“Fuck off. You don’t know shit about me,” Sirius yelled, his voice wavering with emotion.

“I know everything about a boy like you.”

“Oliver, that is enough!” Remus shouted and Oliver finally turned to look at him. Remus had never seen him so angry in all his years of knowing him.

“Don’t even get me started on you,” Oliver said. He had stopped shouting and instead dropped his voice to a cutting calm state that was instantly more terrifying than any yelling could have been. “He broke your heart, Remus, without a second thought. He’ll always put himself before you. What kind of a relationship is that?”

"It's not for you to decide!" Remus shouted.

"I'm trying to save you here, Remus."

“Well, I’m sorry, Oliver, but I like him. I know who he is - trust me, I do - but I can’t help that I still like him, despite everything.” 

Oliver sighed and the anger drained to exhaustion. “Okay. Fine,” he said "Just be careful.” Oliver took a parting glance at Sirius and went back downstairs.

Remus let out a long breath. He couldn’t bring himself to look at Sirius. When Remus ran his hands over his face, they came back wet. He hadn’t even realized he’d been crying. 

“I’m sorry but I have to go home,” Remus said. Sirius was leaning against the edge again, looking up at the stairs much as he had been before. But earlier it seemed like he was a painting and the night sky was his dazzling background; now he seemed like a beggar searching for answers in their bright constellations.

Sirius just nodded, still in a daze. Remus was almost at the door before Sirius spoke up. “Moony?”

“Yeah?” Remus said and stared out at the other boy. Sirius was still so beautiful.

“Are we… are we going to be okay?” His voice was small and exhausted.

“Yeah, I think we will be."

Notes:

The french in this chapter:
"Tu es parfait pour moi" - You are perfect to me.
"Oh combien tu as tort" - Oh, how wrong you are.
"Tu es merveilleux ma lune" - you are wonderful, my moons. Thank you to Elo for the french help!!

The Welsh in this chapter:
"ewch i chwarae gyda dy nainn" - literally means go play with gran but colloquially means fuck off (or so I'm told) thank you to gayer_thansirius for the welsh help!

I don't know french or welsh so please correct me if I'm wrong!!!
-
Like I promise we will be getting to more plot stuff soon. We have to bc I want to be finished this fic by mid summer. Anyway, thanks as always to lilly who will never read this fic bc I call her abt it twice a day for advice.

feel free to say hi in the comments or on my tumblr!

Chapter 15: i kiss the scars on your skin

Notes:

Songs in this Chapter:
Stupid by Lizzy McAlpine
God in Jeans by Ryan Beatty
Saint Bernard by Lincoln
A Match into Water by Pierce the Veil
Tattoos Together by Lauv

Remus hadn’t talked to Oliver in a week since the fight. It was surprisingly easy to isolate himself, to throw himself into writing songs for the new album, to joke with the boys in the studio, and ignore all his problems at night. He even found himself writing break-up songs despite not having broken up with anyone. 

Why am I pulled to you

And why does it never feel like

I'm finished talking

When we're finished talking?

He knew that he could just text Oliver. He knew that nothing was over, but it still hurt.

It's stupid, it's so stupid to miss you like this

I feel stupid, so stupid to miss you like this

The worst part is that Oliver had been right. He had been out of line to say it, but he had been right. Sirius was bad for him. Remus didn’t have any backbone for getting together with him again. 

But then Remus would catch Sirius' eye during a song, and he knew they were thinking exactly the same thing. Or Sirius would play pranks on Peter and always made sure that Remus watched as he did it. Or in the quieter moments, Sirius would place his notebook in Remus’ hands and ask what he thought of his lyrics, whispering so nobody else could hear.

Sirius was the only boy Remus had ever met who never failed to make him laugh. The only boy who not just put up with his manic songwriting, but indulged him in it. The only boy who saw past the scars.

“You should call him,” Sirius said to him one day during a break at the studio. Remus had been alternating between staring blankly at his phone and pacing the studio floor for the past fifteen minutes, but he hadn't realized anyone else had been watching him.

“And say what?” Remus asked quietly so the others couldn’t hear. “‘Hey, sorry I’m dating Sirius but not really because I actually like him quite a lot so I can’t really be bothered.’”

“We’re dating now, are we?” Sirius teased.

“If you ever take me on that date you promised,” Remus said without glancing up from his phone. They hadn’t hung out one-on-one since the party, but they had talked often at the studio.

“Tonight,” Sirius said.

“What?” Remus responded.

“Let’s go on a date tonight. Come over to my place. We can make dinner together. It’ll be cute.” Sirius spoke casually but he was nervously trilling his fingers against his legs.

“Won’t James be there?” Remus asked.

“Nah, he’s got something with Lily.”

Remus’ eyes shot over to where James was standing. “Wait, really? Since when is that a thing?”

Sirius rolled his eyes. “You would be more excited about James’ and Lily’s date than a date with me.”

“Yeah well, I've been expecting a date from you for the past week or so. James and Lily? Now that’s actually interesting news.” 

Sirius smacked Remus’ arm and Remus gave him a wild smile. If they were alone right now, Remus would’ve responded by tackling him in kind until he was pulling him into a kiss. But they were very much in public, so Remus just settled for shaking his head.

“I’m joking. Of course, I would like to come over tonight.”

“Good,” Sirius said and seemed to actually be relieved. As if Remus could ever say no.

“I’ve got some news, boys,” Marlene said as she walked into the room, commanding everyone’s attention. “The Trevor Project has approached us about holding a charity concert for their latest queer youth support effort. It is in two months at Royal Albert Hall. The label thinks it’s a good time to preview music for the new album as well as get your name out there.”

“We have twenty million Twitter followers,” Sirius said. “I think our name is out there.”

“Don’t be a dick,” Remus said as he flicked the other boy’s head. “Royal Albert Hall is a great honor.”

“I can’t wait to tell my mother,” James said excitedly and Peter nodded from behind him.

“Yeah, you understand why it’s a big deal, so for the love of God and all things good in this world - stay out of drama, stay healthy, and fucking practice.”

-

“You know for someone who invited me over to make dinner with you, you are woefully under-prepared,” Remus said as he leaned against Sirius’ kitchen counters. The other boy was scrambling for ingredients as he read the directions.

“I don’t see you helping,” Sirius said as he bent down to look for a pot or pan of some kind.

“Oh, I’m too busy enjoying the view.”

Sirius stood up, winked, and then handed Remus a cutting board. “Chop some onions for me?”

“Giving me all the shit jobs, huh?” Remus asked as he began cutting. Sirius was reading the recipe with frantic desperation as something sizzled in the pan next to him.

“Quit your complaining,” he said over his shoulder.

“Make me,” Remus responded and was quickly guided away from the task at hand by Sirius’ touch on his back. Remus turned and was met with Sirius bringing him down into a bruising kiss. Remus’ hands soon reached up to meet the back of Sirius’ head and tighten his grip around his long dark hair. Remus was quickly abandoning all pretense of dinner in favor of Sirius' lips.

Sirius stepped away with a devilish grin. He knew exactly what he was doing to Remus.

“Thoughts on foregoing dinner and heading straight to your room?” Remus asked.

Sirius stepped in close to Remus’ space, his eyes intently staring at Remus’ own. “No,” he said and quickly left a peck on Remus’ cheek before returning to his pan. 

Remus let out an annoyed groan. “You’re the worst, you know that?”

“You’re the one who wanted to go on a date,” Sirius said. He could such an annoying little prick when he wanted to be.

“This dinner better be damn good,” Remus grumbled.

They didn’t actually do much cooking together. Most of it was Remus watching amused as Sirius frantically tried to figure out what the hell was going on.

At one point, Sirius had somehow managed to use red peppers instead of ground peppercorn and he was now desperately trying to figure out how to not make it all not taste terrible.

“I’m guessing James is the cook then?” Remus asked as Sirius realized he forgot yet another ingredient.

“Yeah. It’s like a family tradition thing for them. Normally a mother would teach her daughter but Euphemia is feminist and would not have a son who didn’t know how to feed himself, so it’s a lot of Indian food in this flat.”

“That’s sweet,” Remus said, imagining avid eight-year-old James at the right hand of his mother, stirring rice in a big pot. “My mother taught me a thing or two, but nothing fancy.”

“Euphemia has tried to teach me, but as you can see, I’m a bit of a hopeless case.” Sirius finally heaved a sigh of relief as he pushed the pasta dish into the oven.

Remus took a hand towel and dabbed the sweat off of Sirius’ brow. “No, I don’t think you’re hopeless. You just need a little practice.” Remus tucked Sirius’s hair behind his ear and left a gentle kiss on Sirius’ forehead.

Sirius’ hand came up to grasp Remus’ cheek, his thumb moving softly across his skin. Remus leaned in for a soft kiss, obsessed with the idea that he was allowed to do it now.

“Plus,” Remus said as he stepped away. “It’s cute to watch you run around like a chicken with its head cut off.”

“Oh, shut it,” Sirius said with a smile.

“I mean who can expect you to know how to cook without a dozen servants,” Remus joked.

“They weren’t servants, ” he grumbled. "They were paid for their work."

Remus burst out laughing. “Tell me you’re joking.”

“They were staff,” Sirius defended which only made Remus laugh harder.

“What like a butler?” 

“Yeah and like cooks and cleaning ladies.” Sirius’ voice could hardly be heard over Remus’ wheezing of laughter.

“This is the best news I’ve heard all day,” Remus said, finally starting to catch his breath. “Like I knew you grew up rich but J esus Christ. ”

“Yeah, it was pretty bad,” Sirius said, amused by Remus’ reaction. “You should have seen me the first time I hung out at James’ house. I straight up asked if there was a driver to take us around the country.”

Remus burst out into another round of laughter. “And to think my mother could barely afford a car,” Remus mused.

“Crazy to think where you are now.” Sirius nudged Remus’ foot with his own. Remus looked up and smiled.

“And to think I only swung a rich boy when I didn’t need one."

“Wasn’t quite rich there for a moment,” Sirius said lightly. “If anything you probably make more than me considering you get writing credits.”

Remus laughed, “Would you look at that? Who would’ve taken Sirius Black for a gold digger?”

“Oh, most everyone. After I ran away, I told James I might just have to marry him.”

“Damn, I guess I should tell Lily before she gets her heartbroken.”

Sirius smiled mischievously. “The two of them, huh?”

“I know. That’s a power couple if I’ve ever seen one.”

“Don’t tell James you know, by the way. He wanted to keep it a secret.”

“This band is full of secret relationships. Next thing you know, Peter will secretly be in a throuple.”

Sirius stepped close to where Remus was leaning against the counter so he was standing between his legs. “Is that what we are? A relationship?”

Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius’ shoulders and leaned in close against his lips. “You tell me.” Sirius went in for the kiss but Remus pulled back. “That wasn’t an answer,” he whispered. 

Sirius pressed a quick kiss to Remus’ cheek and stepped away. He grabbed a fake flower that was on the kitchen counter and bowed like a gentleman from the eighteenth century. “My dearest Moony, you haunt my every thought and dream. My mind is never from you. Please do me the honor of accepting my hand and becoming my most beloved boyfriend.”

Remus rolled his eyes at the extravagant display but he couldn’t deny the smile that refused to fall from his lips. He took the fake flower and examined it like it was a diamond ring. “I guess that will do,” Remus said and pulled Sirius up for a kiss. 

The kiss was soft and long and by the end of it, Remus was smiling into Sirius’ lips, his boyfriend’s lips. His heart leapt just thinking the words. Sirius’ hands were firm against his waist, his legs pressed right up against him, a steadying force that this was truly real.

“Boyfriend,” Remus whispered happily against Sirius’ lips. “Boyfriend,” he said as Sirius began laying kisses along his jaw. “Boyfriend,” he laughed as Sirius’ hands began wandering under his shirt.

“Boyfriend,” Sirius confirmed and dropped to his knees.

-

They did end up eating dinner, shirtless and tired as they cuddled on the couch. “You know, for someone who clearly had no clue what he was doing, this isn’t half bad,” Remus said as he ate another bite of the baked pasta.

“Thank you. I was quite stressed. I didn’t want to ruin our first date,” Sirius said.

Remus kissed the top of his head. “Impossible.”

“Are you going to write your next song about this? Dinner in the arms of my lover ,” Sirius jokingly sang.

“Is that a challenge?” Remus asked, already reaching to take down the guitar from the wall.

“ Ugh ,” Sirius groaned. “You never stop.”

“Dangers of dating a musician, babes,” Remus said, still relishing that he got to say they were ‘dating.’

Remus started strumming but Sirius pulled out his phone, “Hold up. We have to record audio in case this is our next big hit.”

God is real, he was sleeping in my bed last night

We were naked with the radio on

Played him favorite song

“You’re really out here calling me a god? I’m going to develop a complex,” Sirius said.

“As if you haven't already.”

“Oh, shut up,” Sirius said and brought Remus in for a kiss. The guitar was quickly moved off the couch and the recording ended as things started progressing further. Sirius pushed Remus until he was lying flat against the couch, all dinner and music forgotten as Sirius laid heavy kisses on Remus' neck.

“Do we wanna move this to your bedroom?” Remus asked in between heavy breaths.

Sirius nodded and pulled him up by the hand and led him into Sirius’ bedroom. He’d never been in it before, but he hardly had time to look around, more focused on the boy in front of him.

They smiled wildly at each other, both anticipating the night ahead, but then Sirius stopped. “Shit, I left the oven on. I’ll be right back.” Sirius practically ran out the door. 

Remus was already settled on the bed, so he turned to look at the nightstand. Predictably, he saw a photo of James and Sirius - much like the other ones strewn about the apartment, they were egregiously happy by each other’s side. But beside that photo was a framed polaroid of a young teenager - same high cheekbones and bright eyes as Sirius, but his hair was much shorter and his posture much more rigid. There was no way it was a photo of Sirius, but maybe a cousin or his brother. 

Sirius entered the room with an easy smile, holding the shirts they had discarded earlier on the kitchen floor. When he caught what Remus was holding, his smile fell a bit, grew a bit sadder.

“Who’s this?” Remus asked as Sirius climbed into bed next to him.

“My brother, Regulus,” Sirius said. “One of the only photos I have of him, besides the press photos he does with my father, of course.”

“It’s sweet,” Remus said and he could see that opposed to the portraiture and staged photos of political life, it was quite human to see the young boy in what appeared to be some kind of library.

“Yeah,” Sirius sighed and gently took the photo out of Remus’ hand and placed it on the nightstand. “Couldn’t save him though.” It was clearly a topic he didn’t talk about often.

Remus put his arm around Sirius and pulled him close to him. “You did your best.”

Sirius gave him a weak smile. It was clear he remained unconvinced. “Thanks,” he said and gave Remus a soft kiss.

-

Remus woke up the next morning, his arms wrapped around Sirius, the warmth of his skin pressed against his own. He could stay like that forever. He could keep his arms around Sirius and never let him go.

Unfortunately, they had to be at the studio today and Remus did not want to run into James in the morning. He detached himself from Sirius, the other boy barely stirred, so deep into his sleep. Remus dressed himself, pressed a kiss to Sirius’ forehead, and quietly left Sirius’ bedroom. 

Luckily, Remus did not run into James. Unluckily, he ran into Lily.

“Remus?” she asked in a whisper as she shut the door to James’ bedroom.

Remus held a finger to his lips and nodded towards the front door. The two of them quietly left the flat, but the moment they were in the hall, Lily exclaimed, in a voice much too bright for the mornings. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Sirius and I were just hanging out last night. I didn’t feel like walking home,” Remus lied. “What are you doing here?”

Lily’s face broke out into an excited smile. “James and I got dinner last night. He’s so sweet. Do you wanna ride?”

Remus nodded and as Lily drove him home, he got the rundown of the whole night. 

“So we went out to this fancy Italian restaurant and the food was delicious, but James was so nervous. I’ve literally never seen that boy nervous in my entire life.”

“It is a rare occasion,” Remus said, though it really wasn’t if Lily was around.

“It was kind of awkward in the beginning, but then he started to open up and tell me about his family and he asked all about mine and my hopes and dreams, and he was really funny, Remus. I was dying of laughter the whole night.”

“I’m sure the other restaurant patrons loved that.”

“Oh, they were giving us death glares but we were having so much fun, we didn’t care. Anyway, we went out for gelato after and then we came back to his flat and he was getting ready to say goodbye but I didn’t want it to end so I said, ‘Aren’t you going to invite me up?’”

“You did not,” Remus interjected.

“I did! And he blushed and was like, ‘I didn’t want to presume anything.’ And I said, ‘Well, no presumptions here. Just ask.’ And he did and we went up and well, you know how these things go,” Lily trailed off.

“Wow, Lily. What happened to my good Christian woman?” Remus teased sarcastically.

“Oh please,” Lily said. “Like she ever existed.”

Lily dropped Remus off at his flat with a promise to call, which reminded Remus that he needed to call Oliver. It had been almost a week since everything went down on the roof. He checked the time, 8:12 am, and figured Oliver would probably be awake and getting ready for work. Remus collapsed onto his bed and phoned Oliver. The other boy picked up after two rings.

“Hey Oliver,” Remus said. His fingers nervously played with a drumstick that he had stolen from Sirius.

“Hey Remus,” Oliver said. His voice was soft and tired in the face of the morning.

“How are you?” Remus asked. It was a basic question, but he didn’t have anything better to say.

“I’m good, love. How are you?”

Remus considered how these last few days had been with Sirius. “I’ve actually been really really happy.”

“That’s wonderful, babes,” Oliver said and Remus could hear the smile through his voice. “Look, I’m sorry about the other night. I was out of line.”

“No, you were right,” Remus said, remembering all the words Oliver had thrown at him. “I don’t want you to be and I’m not going to stop seeing Sirius, but someone needed to say it.”

“How are things with Sirius?” Oliver asked. There wasn’t a hint of bitterness in it. Oliver had never been one to hold a grudge.

Remus indulged himself and let himself talk about last night and all the nights before. He talked about Sirius’ music, his friends, his family. “He’s been through so much, Oliver, but he’s still here. He’s still trying his best.”

“You’re really proud of him,” Oliver said. 

“Yeah,” Remus replied softly. “Yeah, I am.”

-

The next two weeks at the studio were wonderful. They worked together on the new album with all the normal antics and games that came with the four boys. Currently, they had decided to only speak to Peter in American accents. It was driving him up the wall. 

“Can you please stop that!” Peter exclaimed.

“I don’t know what you are referring to, Pete,” Sirius said in a truly horrendous impression of an American.

“This is just how we speak,” James replied in an equally terrible voice.

They had even roped Marlene and the Longbottoms into it until Peter eventually just accepted his fate.

Between the antics and the recording, Remus still found time to work on Sirius’ songs. They would always find a moment to steal away to a corner and lean over Sirius’ notebook. Remus would hum out a tune and Sirius would tap a beat on Remus’ thigh. Remus would whisper Sirius’ lyrics back to him like they were creating a secret.

I said make me love myself so that I might love you

Don't make me a liar, 'cause I swear to god

When I said it I thought it was true

And Sirius would whisper back the next verse, their own little code.

Saint Bernard sits at the top of the driveway

You always said how you loved dogs

I don't know if I count

But I'm trying my best

When I'm howling and barking these songs

The two of them making one song in the corner, ignoring Marlene's knowing looks, Peter’s analyzing stares, and James’ confused smile. Writing music was their own little world and they often forgot about the real one.

-

No one was quite sure how it started. People had always been curious about Remus' scars. Even in long sleeves, there were white gashes across his face and neck that trailed down under his collar. And he supposed, as famous as they were getting, where it was impossible to walk outside without being stopped at least once, he should’ve expected this.

But he did not. He didn’t have a clue. 

Sirius had been the one to show him. He was over at Remus’ flat and they were cuddling on the couch, watching some movie that Sirius would not stop shouting at the TV about. Remus didn’t really have a clue to the plot or characters. It was much more fun to watch Sirius watch the TV, every emotion plain on his face.

Halfway through the movie, Sirius checked his phone and uttered a simple, “Oh no.”

“What?” Remus said, peering over his shoulder. He had opened Twitter and at the very top was a trending hashtag - #RemusArmReveal.

Most of the tweets were some version of - “PLEASE #RemusArmReveal,” or “we need it. #RemusArmReveal.”

“Why do they care?” Remus asked. Just when he was beginning to settle into his celebrity, something new always came up.

“Just ignore it,” Sirius said, already going into defense mode. “It’s none of their business.”

Remus decided to send out a tweet anyway, only the second on his entire account, that said, “Wait, what is going on?”

Instantly, there were hundreds of replies. Many of the first ones were just people saying hi, but after a moment, real explanations started to come in. Or, as close to real as it got. Most of them were just “because you’re sexy,” which made Remus snort out laughter.

He showed it to Sirius who smirked, “They’re not wrong.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Remus said and tried to see if there was a better explanation but that really seemed to be the answer. “You know, it’s almost funny because I only wear long sleeves so I don’t make other people uncomfortable.”

Sirius gave him a look but Remus cut him off before he could on some speech about how his scars are beautiful and he shouldn’t hide any part of him or some other trite comfort.

“Don’t look at me like that. You know people make assumptions about me from just my face. They stare. They think I’m a criminal. And that’s not to be self-deprecating, it’s just the simple facts of my appearance.”

“I’ve always thought your scars were cool as hell,” Sirius said.

“Yeah, but you’re fucking me.”

“I mean it, though!” Sirius defended. “And wouldn’t I know best.” Remus rolled his eyes. “I’m serious, Moony.”

“I know you’re Sirius,” Remus said mischievously.

“Walked myself into that one,” Sirius said as he stood up and grabbed his notebook. He flipped through the early pages until he found what he was looking for. He sat back down and handed it to Remus. “I wrote that after the first time we were ever together.”

I kissed the scars on your skin

I still think you're beautiful

And I don't ever want to lose my best friend

Remus read the words, once, twice, then three times, in pure amazement. Sirius never disguised anything in his lyrics. Every word he meant was plain and true. Remus turned back to Sirius and pulled him into an all-encompassing kiss. 

“You’re fucking amazing, Sirius Black.” Remus felt that familiar pull, the one he had felt months ago in the woods to say those three little words. But he knew better by now. Even if he didn’t think Sirius would run, he wasn’t going to risk it either.

Sirius smiled back at him. “And don’t you ever forget it.”

They did have to figure out something to do about the hashtag, however. “Should I just post a photo of me in short sleeves?” Remus asked.

“Why stop there? Go full shirtless.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “You just want to see me without a shirt more.”

Sirius shrugged. “Maybe I do.”

“Then, let’s do it,” Remus said, throwing caution to the wind.

“What?” Sirius said, looking up from his phone.

“Let’s take a photo of me without a shirt on. I’ll post it on Twitter, you can put it on your Instagram.”

Sirius’ eyes lit up. He stood and forced Remus to stand as well. “Well then take your shirt off, Moony. The internet wants what it wants.”

Remus did as he was told and stood awkwardly as Sirius started taking photos. “I feel ridiculous,” he said.

“Well, no doubt. You look like the most uncomfortable person in the world.” Sirius did not stop taking photos as they spoke.

“Well, I don’t know how to pose. Why don’t you give me some tips? You always have good Instagram photos.”

“You’re stalking my Instagram, are you?” Sirius asked with a smirk.

Remus gave him a small smile. “Shut up.”

“Go sit with your books,” Sirius said.

“And do what?” Remus said as he sat down next to the piles of books stacked against the wall.

“Look pretentious.” 

Remus tried his best but it all seemed so unnatural. “Can’t we just take a photo of my chest and be done with it?”

“Nope,” Sirius said, popping the ‘p.’ Whatever effect he was trying to get, he wasn’t getting it and next thing Remus knew, a book was being hurled at him.

“Hey! What was that for?” Remus said, laughing.

“Perfect, just like that.” Sirius threw another book at him.

“Stop this!” Remus said, managing to dodge the second book. 

Sirius went to reach for a third but Remus stood up and began to chase Sirius. Sirius started running and the two of them chased each other around the flat, laughing all the way like little kids. 

Remus finally caught up to him on the balcony, wrapping his arms around him and kissing him in quick succession.

“God, you’re perfect, Moony,” Sirius said in a breathless huff. Remus pulled himself back to look into Sirius’ eyes and smile. “Let’s take some photos out here,” Sirius said.

“Let me catch my breath,” Remus said, but Sirius was already taking photos.

Remus ran a hand through his hair and leaned against the balcony railing. Sirius was being ridiculous, getting photos from all different angles, crouching down, standing far, or close. Remus just laughed as it got more and more absurd.

Finally, Sirius stopped and went to stand beside Remus as he looked through the photos. Remus was surprised to see that some of them actually turned out quite good. “Holy shit,” Remus said. “I look hot.”

Sirius quirked an eyebrow. “Only finding that out now, sweetheart?”

Remus just kissed his cheek and went back to looking at the photos. There were some really cute ones of him looking up at Sirius with lovesick eyes after he threw the books at him. As dumb as the tactics seemed, he couldn’t argue with the final product.

“Send the good ones to me. I’ll post one.”

And so Remus did. He posted one of the balcony ones to his Twitter with the caption, “#RemusArmReveal.” 

The comments on it were hilarious. A lot of them were key smashing, reaction gifs, or a series of emojis. More than a few of them were wondering who took the photos, a question soon answered when Sirius posted one of the book photos on his Instagram.

“You’re not helping the dating rumors, you know?” Remus said.

“Oh, I know,” Sirius said without a trace of regret. He pulled Remus into a kiss. “I think it’s fun.”

-

“They’re going to ask you how you got them,“ Sirius said after dinner. Sirius was sitting on the couch in the living room while Remus was rearranging his pile of books.

“People always do,” Remus said.

“What are you going to tell them?” There was a curiosity under his question - are you going to tell me?

“Same as ever. I was attacked by a werewolf.” 

Sirius nodded and didn’t say anything else, but Remus could tell he wanted to.

“You’re allowed to ask, you know?” 

Sirius just shook his head. “It’s your business. Besides, I asked before and you said you didn’t want to talk about it.”

“When I had known you for like a month."

“Still,” Sirius said, not meeting Remus’ eyes.

Remus sat down on the couch next to him. He took Sirius’ hand in his own. “Sirius, ask me.”

Sirius took a deep breath and nodded, not looking away from Remus’ deep green eyes. “What happened?”

Remus began gathering his thoughts. It had been years since he last told this story, though it had never once left his mind. “I don’t remember much of it,” he began. “I was only five so a lot of what I know is what my mother has told me and police reports, but…” Remus took a deep breath, already shaky before he even really got into it.

Sirius pulled him into an embrace. “You don’t have to tell me,” he whispered.

But Remus shook his head. “I want to. I just need a moment.” He took another deep breath, trying to ground himself at this moment, in Sirius sitting beside him. “So a few weeks before this, there had been this man, Fenrir Greyback, who had been acquitted of robbery among other things. The night it happened, he broke into our house with a few friends, through my window, and I don't know if he wanted to keep me quiet or if he was just insane, but he took out his knife, and well,” Remus gestured to the large gashes across his body.

Sirius was silent, taking in the abject horror of the whole thing. “I’m so sorry,” Sirius whispered. 

“I don’t remember it much, except in nightmares, and who knows what’s real or not.”

Sirius nodded. Sirius understood what it was like to be haunted by memories.

“I think my father knows more than he tells me though," Remus continued. "Because he never wants to talk about it. After that night, he started going away more and things got rough between my mum and him.”

“Do you think he’s responsible in some ways?”

“I don’t know,” Remus sighed. It felt strange to speculate with someone else. He’d never done anything like it before, only late at night in the company of his own thoughts. “Maybe he owed money to the wrong people. Maybe he saw something he shouldn’t of, said something he shouldn't have. I just know he never wanted to talk about it, except when he would get really really drunk and just start apologizing to little kid me until my mum kicked him out of my room.”

“Fuck,” Sirius said. “That’s heavy.”

“We’ve all got our shit,” Remus said. He was never great with others’ sympathy. “Besides it happened almost two decades ago. It sucks but I’ve dealt with it. I've accepted I will never know what really happened.” Remus stood up, even Sirius’ arms around him feeling like more attention than he wanted.

Sirius just watched as Remus paced across his living room, looking up at him. Remus noticed he was staring and stopped, “What?” 

“Nothing,” Sirius said as he stood up and walked up to Remus, put his arms around his shoulders. “I’m just proud of you. What is it you said to me the other night? 'You did your best.'”

Remus rolled his eyes but let himself be brought into a kiss. Maybe he couldn’t internalize Sirius’ words, but he could internalize this - Sirius’ lips against his own, his hips under Remus’ hands, his finger interlocked behind Remus’ head. 

-

Sirius ended up spending the night, which was starting to become a more regular thing between them. Remus was trying not to think about just how happy that made him. They spent the morning together as well - Remus making them eggs and toast while Sirius lets Remus know the latest news or particularly funny fandom tweets.

“Oh, James just texted me that the Death Eaters put out their first song. Wanna listen?” Sirius asked. 

“Aren’t we supposed to hate them?”

“Of course, but now we have something to make fun of.”

“Fair enough. Let’s hear it.”

Sirius pressed play and Remus listened to the manufactured pop that came out of the speakers. It wasn’t Remus’ favorite but it wasn’t terrible. He was half-listening to the verses, but then it got to the chorus and it all changed.

Tattoos together, something to remember

If it's way too soon, fuck it, whatever

Give me shapes and letters

If it's not forever, then at least we'll have tattoos together

“Wait pause it,” Remus said. “Play the chorus over again.” Remus listened intently, making sure he’d heard it right.

“What is it?” Sirius asked. Remus didn’t answer him, just went into his bedroom and picked up his journal. He frantically flipped through the pages. “Moony, what’s going on?”

Finally, Remus stopped on a page and passed the journal across to Sirius. The other boy looked down at it. “Holy shit,” he said.

“Yeah,” Remus replied. On the page were the exact words of the Death Eaters’ new chorus, along with a few other lines they’d used in the song. It was the song Remus wrote as a joke the night he and Sirius gave each other tattoos.

“What does this even mean?” Sirius asked.

“I don’t know,” Remus said. “But I’m going to call Marlene.”

Notes:

u can tell im in a much better place mentally now that I'm home from college bc I'm actually writing fluff.

anyway if you've read this far, thank you so much, especially if u keep coming back. I love seeing y'alls comments.

edit! i switched out Lvr Boy for Stupid bc of the stuff coming out against awfultune

Chapter 16: talking to the moon

Notes:

Songs in this Chapter:
Cancer by My Chemical Romance
Talking to the Moon by Bruno Mars

Marlene immediately called an emergency team meeting. The four of them were ordered to the studio as soon as humanly possible. James, Sirius, and Remus all came in together, meeting a frantic Dorcas and a murderous Marlene who were both surrounded by important lawyer-looking people. Peter joined them ten minutes later.

“Well, now that we’re all here, I think I best we get started.” Marlene’s voice was grave. “I don’t think I need to tell you that this is not just a violation of contract but also a violation of the law. Phoenix Records is actively working on putting forth a lawsuit against the Death Eaters which is why we absolutely need every fact of this case. Remus, walk us through it.”

Remus fidgeted where he sat as every eye in the room turned to stare at him. “Well, um, a few weeks ago, Sirius came over and we gave each other tattoos.”

The lawyers started eyeing Sirius suspiciously which Remus absolutely hated. Sirius wouldn’t do something like this… right?

“When exactly?” one of the lawyers asked.

Sirius supplied the date, pulling out a photo on his phone of the fresh tattoo dated at the top. The lawyers nodded and started typing things out.

“So while we were doing that,” Remus continued. “I started writing some song lyrics, as a joke really.” Remus remembered that he just wanted to make Sirius laugh. He caught the other boy’s eyes from across the table. There wasn’t a trace of a smile now, just a cold calculating gaze.

Remus pulled out his notebook and opened it to the page. There was his messy scrawl of lyrics surrounded by Sirius’ doodles. The lawyers surrounded it like vultures.

“Who had access to this?” Marlene asked.

“No one, just me and Sirius.” Which of course, made them prime suspects.

“Did you leave this anywhere? A friend’s house? A restaurant?” A lawyer asked.

“No, it’s only really at my flat or the studio.”

“So it’s either one of us or one of your friends,” Sirius said, his voice bitter. Remus knew he was talking about Oliver.

“And someone who knew people in the Death Eaters,” Peter added quietly. “Someone who knows Snape maybe.”

The boys all shared a look. James was sitting there in silent shock. “It couldn’t have been Lily. She hasn’t spoken to Severus in months.”

“But how well do you know that, Prongs?” Sirius said. 

James’ eyes flashed with anger. “She wouldn’t betray me like that.”

“She was his best friend,” Sirius said.

“We’re all best friends here, Padfoot. Any one of us could’ve been the person,” James shot back.

“And we all know Severus,” Remus added. “So it’s not exactly a fair argument.”

Sirius just crossed his arms and sunk in his chair.

“Mr. Lupin, can you chronicle where exactly this journal has been in the past month?” A lawyer asked.

Remus went through the sparse locations - his flat, the studio, James’ flat - and Marlene took to writing them on the board on one side. 

“And it was never out of your possession?” A lawyer asked. “It never went missing?”

Remus shook his head ‘no.’ The lawyer didn’t say anything more but Remus felt the weight of suspicion fall on his shoulders.

Then Remus had to list anyone who could’ve had access to the journal - Remus, Sirius, James, Peter, The Longbottoms, Marlene, Oliver, Lily, and Mary - a list of suspects, all of them trusted friends. It was nauseating to look at. 

“What I can’t figure out,” Remus said as the final name was etched onto the board. “Is why any of these people would give the song to the Death Eaters?”

“Great question,” Marlene said and wrote ‘motives’ on the board. “Money is the obvious one. If the Death Eaters are paying a high enough price, people will meet it.”

“Malfoy is egregiously wealthy,” Sirius muttered. “I’m sure he could put up a wager.”

“There are much cheaper ways to get a song though,” James said, seemingly in denial about the whole thing. “They could’ve just hired a songwriter instead of going into the trouble of stealing Remus’ notebook.”

“Which is why I think it’s likely option two: Personal Vendetta,” Marlene said as she wrote on the board. “Someone who doesn’t like the band, someone who doesn’t feel like they’re getting their fair share or doesn’t fit in.”

Remus saw James’ eyes glance his way before guiltily looking back down. James knew that Remus had once thought he didn’t belong in the band, but that was months ago. He must have proven his loyalty since then. At least, he hoped he had.

“But this person would have to have a personal connection to Snape or the Death Eaters so they could give them the song.” Every word felt like a battle to turn the guilt off of himself.

“What if it’s a reverse psychology situation?” Peter spoke up. “What if someone hated the Death Eaters so much that they purposefully gave them one of their songs so we could destroy the other band?”

Remus watched as the room processed Peter’s words, feeling the calculating logic to them, and systematically, one by one, everyone glanced Sirius’ way. They all knew he hated the Death Eaters most of all.

“Oh fuck off, I didn’t do this,” Sirius bit back at the room.

“No one is saying you did,” Marlene replied mildly.

“But you were all thinking it.” Sirius looked ready for a fight.

“We have to consider every possibility,” Remus said before he could think better of it.

Sirius turned on him in an instant. “Well it’s your fucking notebook, Remus, and as you’ve made perfectly clear, it’s always on you. How do you think that makes you look?”

“You think I did this?”

“We have to consider every possibility,” Sirius sneered.

James tried to cut in but Remus was quicker. “When have I  ever been anything but one hundred percent loyal to this band?”

“It’s not about loyalty. You wanna talk about your new apartment? Where’d you get the money for that? I know I certainly don’t make Soho penthouse rent.”

“I write the songs, you asshole! My cut is higher than yours!”

“It certainly wasn’t enough for you was it? Got a taste of the riches and you just couldn’t stop yourself.” Sirius’s voice was cruel.

“Go fuck yourself, Black,” Remus said. The room was dead silent as the two boys stared daggers at each other.

“Aren’t the…” Peter started and trailed off. Everyone turned to look at him and he just sank deeper in his chair.

“What is it, Peter?” Marlene asked as if Remus and Sirius hadn’t just been shouting at each other.

“I mean, the Blacks and the Malfoys are pretty close, aren’t they?” Peter said quietly.

In an instant, Sirius was up and out of his chair, yelling obscenities at Peter. Remus was too pissed at Sirius to do anything, but luckily James managed to break Sirius out of it by yelling, “What the fuck, Padfoot!” and forcing him back down into his chair.

“Quite done, Mr. Black?” Marlene asked as Sirius seethed in his chair. “Obviously accusing anyone of anything right now is not productive, which is why we should focus on our next steps. Dorcas?”

Dorcas stepped forward. “The first thing we are doing is suing the Death Eaters and sending them a cease and desist letter. I’m sure this lawsuit will be lengthy and arduous but it is necessary. Next, I am going to tweet from the Marauders account a professional tweet about what has happened. We are not going to be inflammatory, simply stating that there are some stark similarities between Remus’ lyrics and the Death Eater’s new song and saying that we are going to settle this in a court of law. Otherwise, I want radio silence from all of you. Not just online, but also to anyone else in person. Anything you say about this can be held against you. Is that understood?”

They all nodded, though when Remus glanced at Sirius, it was clear he wasn’t listening.

“We are going to continue meeting with the legal team,” Marlene said. “The rest of the day is yours so please, decompress and don't start shit.”

-

Remus collapsed onto his bed the moment he got home. The car ride home had been stifling - no one spoke the whole time but they all were seething. Sirius kept sending him dirty looks and Remus wanted to punch a goddamn wall. 

Of course, when Remus got home, he wasn’t allowed a moment’s rest either. As soon as he checked his phone, they were a trending topic because Sirius couldn’t shut his goddamn mouth. 

“Hey @DeathEaters, fuck you," Sirius tweeted.

It came not long after Dorcas’ carefully crafted tweet from the official Marauders account. They had been under explicit orders to stay quiet but Sirius never could do what he was told.

Remus didn’t even want to see their response. He shut his phone completely off, not wanting to witness the shitstorm Sirius was brewing.

Remus was pissed. Pissed at the Death Eaters for stealing his song. Pissed at Sirius for his recklessness and for how easy it was for Sirius to accuse him. Pissed at the whole band for turning on each other. And he knew the entire world was talking about it, speculating. 

It wasn’t even the theft that hurt. Remus really didn’t care about the song, or even think it was any good. It was that it was his and Sirius’ song. It was from a private moment, something he always smiled at as he put his shirt on each morning and touched the tattoo Sirius had left there. Now it had all been tainted.

Remus wanted to write a song, but he couldn’t bring himself to write about his anger. He didn’t want to dignify the Death Eaters with his time.

He wanted to write a song no one else could steal. One that was undeniably his.

Remus found an old notebook among the stacks of books in his living room. It was one he filled years ago when he was just 18. Most of it was shit, he was still so raw from his mother’s death. But there was one song he always loved.

Now turn away

'Cause I'm awful just to see

'Cause all my hair's abandoned all my body

All my agony

Remus recorded it in his bedroom, the rain pattering against the window. He had never sung it in public, but he sang it many times alone.

Baby, I'm just soggy from the chemo

But counting down the days to go

It just ain't living

He could never sing it without crying and this time was no different. By the end of the video, there were silent tears streaming down his face.

'Cause the hardest part of this

Is leaving you

Remus didn’t know if he wanted to post it, but he also wanted to prove something. Maybe that he didn’t need the band. Maybe that his music is better than anything the Death Eaters could even try to make. 

Mostly he had sung it as a distraction. Posting it could be a way to say that the Death Eaters couldn’t touch him. They could turn the whole band against him, but they couldn’t take away his talent.

He posted it with a simple caption, not mentioning the Death Eaters at all - “My mother died when I was 18. I wrote a lot back then, but I’ve always come back to this song. I hope you like it.”

He knew it would be added to the anti-Death Eaters fuel, but he didn’t care. He needed to do something for him.

Just as he uploaded it, there came a knock at the door that could only be Sirius. He was the only one who knew the code to his building. Remus had half the nerve to not let him in. He was in a vulnerable place and he was still quite angry at Sirius for how he acted in the meeting. If he let Sirius in, he didn’t know how he might act.

But it was raining and he was already here, so Remus begrudgingly opened the door.

Sirius wasted no time, storming past Remus into the room, already crazed. “Here’s what I don’t understand,” he said as if the two of them were already in a conversation. Remus was sure he had already practiced it all on the way over. “Why? Why steal our song? They must know we’re going after them.”

Remus just laid down on the couch, already emotionally exhausted, and watched his boyfriend pace around the room. “I don’t know, Sirius.”

“It makes no sense!”

“Don’t they hate you though?” Remus added. They were seemingly pretending like the fight at the meeting hadn’t happened, which was all fine by Remus. He didn't have it in him to has it out again. “Maybe it’s a revenge thing.”

“Yeah, but we’re way more popular. It only makes them look worse.”

“Not if they’re good enough. Any press is good press and all that.”

“But it’s not ,” Sirius exclaimed. “Like no offense Remus, you wrote it as a joke. I know there’s better material in your notebook. I’ve seen it. So why steal it?”

“So you’ve officially decided it’s not me?” Remus asked.

“Well, I never said that,” Sirius said, almost off-handedly.

“Excuse me?” Remus asked, the residual anger all flooding in at once as he stood up from the couch.

“We have to be logical. It could be any one of us,” Sirius said.

Logic had nothing to do with this. “You think I could do this? You think I would?”

“It’s possible. I mean it’s your notebook, Moony. There’s not much else to say.”

What Remus hated most was how decided Sirius sounded, like it wasn’t even a stretch for him to believe it. 

“I think there’s a lot more to be said.” Remus’s voice was cold but his hands were shaking.

“Well, it’s not like I would do this!" Sirius shouted. "Nor would James. Peter certainly doesn’t have it in him. So that only leaves you.”

Remus resisted the urge to walk out right then. “Do you know how much I’ve given to this band? All my music, all my thoughts, everything I hide from the world, I gave it to this band. I’m all in. I’ve always been all in. That's what we've always said. This band is quite literally the only thing I have - it’s my job, it’s my friends, it was my fucking boyfriend.”

“What do you mean ‘was?’” Sirius cut in but Remus ignored him.

“It was the closest thing I’ve had to a family in a long while. Why the fuck would I throw that all away?” Remus spat out the words. “For what? What could they have possibly offered to make me betray you? A bigger paycheck? Is that what you think of me?”

“I don’t know, Remus!” Sirius screamed. “Everything is so fucked right now! I don’t know what to think!”

“Well, clearly you’ve thought of something.” Remus turned his back on Sirius. He couldn’t bear to look at him for another second, scared of what he might do. “Please leave,” Remus said, his voice tight.

“This isn’t over right?” Sirius asked. It was a question of a child. “We’re going to get through this?”

Remus let out a short sarcastic laugh and turned back around. Sirius’s face looked practically ashen. “Of course, it’s fucking over, you absolute prick!” Remus grabbed Sirius’s bag and shoved it into his chest. He stalked over to the front door and threw it wide open. “Get the fuck out of my flat.”

Sirius, almost in a haze, walked up to the door but instead of leaving, he stood right in front of Remus, cupping a hand around his jaw. Remus glanced at the hand but kept his expression cold.

“I love you,” Sirius said. “I’m sorry I can’t do more than that.” He took one last look at Remus and then walked out the door.

Remus closed and locked the door behind him and collapsed against the door frame. “God fucking damn it!” he screamed, not caring that Sirius could likely still hear him. Not caring if his neighbors could too. He let the tears stream down his face as the world collapsed around him.

-

They didn’t talk for the next two weeks. Remus went to meetings at Phoenix Records and ignored Sirius’ glances. He stayed silent and cold, which of course, only led to more suspicion onto himself. He honestly couldn’t be bothered to care. He felt like he had lost it all already.

The night after Sirius and him broke up, Remus had called Oliver and told him what had happened. It had been a gut-wrenching phone call, waves of anger and anguish crushing against Remus as he recounted the tale.

“He said he loved me,” Remus said. "It was the only time he's ever said it."

“He loves you, but he can’t trust you,” Oliver said. “What kind of love is that?”

“I don’t know,” Remus said. “But I love him too.”

Sirius had tried to speak to him exactly once after it all happened, but Remus acted like he wasn’t there and Sirius never tried again. James and Peter were also icing Remus out - either because they were siding with Sirius or because they truly believed Remus was the leak.

Remus didn’t care either way. He wanted the nightmare to be over. He wanted to wake up in his shitty little flat. He wanted to go back to working late nights until 4 am at the bar. He wanted to take it all away. He would’ve never met Sirius and James and Peter. He would’ve never been rich and famous, but he would’ve saved himself a lot of trouble. 

Oliver had taken to checking in on him and sometimes they would eat dinner and talk about Oliver’s work gossip and not a single word would be spent on the band or the lawsuit. Other times the dinners were more like tirades as Remus raged about every little thing that they’d accused him of that day, every moment the lawyers wrote down his words or James wouldn’t meet his eye.

The lawsuit was hell. The Death Eaters had hired some of the most notorious lawyers in the country to defend them. They had a hard line of it all being a coincidence, which was near impossible to be true, but it was also near impossible to disprove. And everyone thought Remus was to blame.

The one exception was Marlene, who was taking great pains to remain neutral and to speak to Remus like he was innocent. Remus appreciated it. It was sometimes the only time he spoke in a day. Otherwise, he remained silent, unless and until he was directly questioned.

He couldn’t stop thinking about Sirius’ question that night - why? He was right, it made no sense. There had to be something more, some other plan they weren’t seeing.

Every time he caught Sirius looking his way, he thought Sirius was still asking himself that question.

Through all of this, they were supposed to be writing a new album, or at least something for the charity event. It was not going well. Every song suggestion Remus brought up was met with judgment and suspicion until eventually, he stopped bringing them up. He would sit alone in the corner and write in his notebook and long for the days when he had someone else to share it with. 

Eventually, Marlene decided they should just play old songs until the lawsuit was over and they could have this all figured out and so his days returned to excruciating meetings and relentless questioning.

Remus thought about quitting. He thought about quitting all the goddamn time - as he woke up faced with another agonizing day, as he showered and his hands brushed the tattoo Sirius gave him, as he sat in stifling rooms with the other band members who all hated him.

But if he quit, it would be letting them win. It would be an admission of some guilt he didn’t have. So he stayed miserable, day in and day out. He held his head high as if nothing was ever wrong and ignored all the looks Sirius threw his way.

-

One night during all this mess, Remus had checked Twitter to find them exploding yet again. They never did seem to calm down there. His mentions were flooded with tags on some post of Sirius’.

The video in question was new - Sirius sitting at a piano in some expensive empty flat, floor-to-ceiling windows let the moon shone brightly in the background. It was the only light in the room. Was this some new flat of his? Or just some set? And why hadn’t the rest of the band been informed? Or had they and only Remus was left out?

Sirius sat alone as he began to play something beautiful. Remus knew he was a good piano player. He had watched Sirius play a dozen or so times, and every single time, Remus had been infatuated with his mastery.

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

I want you back, I want you back

Remus almost shut off the video right there. He didn’t want to bear witness to the message Sirius was trying to send him. He knew Sirius loved him and he knew it was too late.

At night, when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself

Talking to the moon

Trying to get to you

In hopes you're on the other side talking to me, too

Or am I a fool who sits alone talking to the moon?

Sirius was always too goddamn transparent in his lyrics.

Remus didn’t respond to the video or any of the thousands of comments under it. But he did like it, just so Sirius knew that he’d seen it and that he had nothing more to say.

-

The weekend after the video, Remus was awoken in the middle of the night to the sound of hard rapid knocks at his door. Instantly, panic took over him and Remus searched the room for a weapon of some kind but found his room woefully empty.

“Remus, please tell me you’re in there!” He heard a voice call and he instantly relaxed. It was just Sirius.

But then he was struck by a whole new kind of panic. What the fuck was Sirius doing at his door at 1:30 am?

Remus quickly got up from bed and scrambled across his flat towards the front door. He opened it and Sirius, James, and Lily came pouring into his flat. Remus rubbed his eyes and looked at the three of them. There was no blood, no sign of harm. But they were clearly in some sort of heightened state. 

“What the fuck is happening? Where’s the fire?”

“What?” James asked.

“Well, there must be a fucking fire or something equivalent for you three to be waking my ass up at one am.”

Sirius laughed quite loudly and ran a hand through his hair. His eyes were mad and bright. It gave his entire look an entirely unhinged quality.  

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” Lily asked calmly. She was the only one who had taken to sitting. Remus felt like he had entered the uncanny valley.

“Because I was sleeping.”

“You sleep without your shirt on?”

Remus crossed his arms over his chest self-consciously. “It gets hot under the covers, so sue me.” Remus cringed at his choice of wording. There was a good chance they actually might. “So what’s happening?”

He had asked James but James was busy staring at the wide gashes across Remus’ chest. Remus had forgotten he hadn’t seen them before.

“Yes, Evans, what is happening?” Sirius asked sarcastically as he paced around.

Lily sighed and gestured for Remus to sit. It was strange being told to sit in his own home, but whatever. This whole situation was beyond strange. “So Severus came to see me."

"What? Severus?" Remus asked. No one else seemed to question it so they must have all heard the story before.

Lily nodded. "It was just after dinner. I have no clue how he even got my address.”

“Because he’s a creep,” James said and for once, Lily didn’t rush to Snape’s defense.

“He asked to come in and he seemed really freaked out, so of course I said yes. I mean, we haven’t been close in years but he seemed in a really bad place and you don’t just stop caring about someone, you know?.”

Remus glanced over at Sirius and found the other man was already staring back. Remus looked away.

“So he comes in and starts just apologizing over and over and I’m thinking, 'oh no what the fuck has happened.' I think he’s, like, murdered someone. So I make him a cup of tea to calm him down and he starts talking about the band and how he’s fucked up and I finally get the story out of him. And oh, Remus,” Lily looked up at him with these big sad eyes. “It’s just so terrible.”

“What?” Remus said, his voice almost scared of the question. The entire room seemed to be holding their breath like they were waiting for a judge's sentence.

“It’s Peter,” Sirius said gravely. “Peter is the spy.”

Remus looked up for any trace of a joke, but there wasn’t any. “Are you sure?”

Lily nodded. “Severus told me himself. He showed me photos Peter took of your notebook when it was in the studio. It had to be him.”

Peter did this. Quiet, unassuming, Peter. The one who always backed down from a fight. The one who never raised his voice. The one who laughed with their pranks and spent hours on the phone with his girlfriend. The one smiling in the photographs littered across James’ and Sirius’ flat. It was as if the world started rearranging beneath his feet.

Yet it made a sort of sense to Remus. He’d known boys like that growing up - the ones who were always left out and looked at others with a jealous glint in their eyes. He’d seen them punch their walls, crash stolen cars into trees. It was that long-simmering rage that destroyed everything in its wake. 

Remus was quiet for a long moment and then he looked straight up at Sirius. “Well," he said calmly, though he could feel the rage starting to rise within him. "What are we going to do about it?”

Notes:

sorry this chapter is shorter than normal! Ive had some work things but my schedule should be clearer from now on.

idk if yall saw but now we only have two more chapters left!! I'm still writing them but they're mostly plotted out. thank u guys for sticking with me so far. almost to 100k words!!!

as always i love reading ur comments. u can always talk to me on my tumblr

edit! thank you loopyloopylupinnn for making a tiktok abt this fic!! much love ♡

Chapter 17: black plague

Notes:

Songs in this Chapter:
Monet Issues by Chase Petra
Parents by Yungblud
Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms
Class of 2013 by Mitski
God in Jeans by Ryan Beatty

The room all looked at each other. It was clear none of them had thought that far ahead, too consumed by the anger of the moment.

“We figured we should tell you first,” Sirius said, his gaze unflinching from Remus. “And then we would figure it out together.”

Together . There was a question in Sirius’ tone - Will you do this with us? Will it be together?

They were all looking to Remus as if he would have the answer, but Remus didn’t know what to do any more than the rest of them. He suddenly felt so extremely young.

“Let’s call Marlene. She’ll know what to do,” Remus said. James nodded and pulled out his phone, dialing her number.

She picked up on the fourth ring. “Potter, you better be fucking dying to wake me up at this hour.”

Panic flashed across James’ face and Remus quickly took over. “Hey, Marlene, it’s Remus. You’re on speaker with me, Sirius, James, and Lily. Sorry for waking you up.”

“What’s going on?” Her voice was still tired but less murderous.

“Peter is the one who leaked our music,” Remus said, cutting to the chase much faster than the others had. From across the room, Remus watched as Sirius left to his balcony and lit up a cigarette. “Lily and James will explain,” Remus said as he stood and followed Sirius outside, not caring for how Lily's eyes followed his steps.

Sirius looked surprised to see him out there, but he didn’t tell him to leave either. It seemed like some kind of progress.

Remus leaned against the railing across from Sirius, the small stretch of balcony between them seemingly insurmountable. Sirius let out a puff of smoke. He didn’t offer Remus a cigarette and Remus didn’t ask for one.

“So…” Remus said. There seemed to be no words to be found. There had been a million questions in his head for the last two weeks - questions of trust, of love, of future. None of them felt right.

“So…” Sirius parroted, no indication of how he was feeling.

Remus had imagined what he would do if he ever talked to Sirius again - scream at him until his voice was hoarse, punch the wall until he bled, kiss Sirius until the world fell away, make him say I love you again and again and again, forget everything that had happened.

He wanted to hate him for everything he’d done. He wanted to love him despite everything he'd done.

But in this moment, he did neither. He looked at Sirius and didn’t feel any of the murderous rage or idiotic love he’d expected to feel. He just felt concerned.

“Are you okay?” Remus asked softly.

Sirius scoffed. “My best friend since childhood just betrayed me to my worst enemy. No, I'm not okay."

"I'm sorry," Remus replied.

"Do you have any idea what that feels like? To have your entire world shift under your feet?”

“Yes,” Remus answered without hesitation. “Yes, I do.”

Sirius just looked at him. Remus tried to find guilt in his eyes, but he couldn't find a thing. “Well, I guess you do.”

They were quiet for a moment, Sirius turning to face away from the other boy, but Remus couldn’t stand it. “So that’s it then?”

“What do you mean?” Sirius said, almost lazily.

“We’re just done?” Remus suddenly found the anger he was expecting.

“We’ve been done, Remus. You told me to leave, I left.” His voice was resigned, defeated.

“Yes, well, don’t you think present circumstances have changed some things?” 

“Changed what?”

“I’m not the spy. You can trust me.”

“That’s not what it was about.”

“Then what the fuck was it about, Sirius? If not trust, then what?”

Sirius turned and looked straight at him. “Love.” 

He stubbed out his cigarette and turned to leave, but Remus caught his wrist. “No, you don’t get to walk away from this conversation. You think I don’t love you?”

Sirius stared down at Remus’ hand on his wrist. Remus was very aware this was the first time they’ve touched in weeks.

“I know you don’t,” Sirius said. “If you did, you wouldn’t have kicked me out.”

“God, you’re fucking ridiculous,” Remus spat out. For not the first time in the past month, he wondered why, out of all of the boys in the universe, he had fallen for this one. 

“You wanna hear it from my perspective, Sirius? Here are the fucking bullet points. For the first time in my life, I’m happy. I’m in this great band. I’m getting recognition for my music. I have this wonderful fucking boyfriend who I love, despite him being a neurotic emo little asshole.

“And then, I find out one of my songs was stolen by some other band who hates me for no reason. And my boyfriend believes I was the one who did it. And then the whole band stops talking to me, so I’m fucking alone and miserable for weeks. And once we finally catch the fucking guy and my name is cleared, my boyfriend has the audacity to pretend like that doesn’t change anything. So tell me, Sirius, if it wasn’t the traitor thing then what the fuck was it?”

Sirius didn’t answer his questions. Instead, he took a step further with Remus’s hand still around his wrist. His silently furious face was inches from Remus’. 

“Fine. If you wanna play this game, let’s look at it from my perspective. I’m in a band with my best friends since childhood. People who have been with me through some of the worst times in my life. And it’s going really well. And I have this beautiful talented boyfriend and it terrifies me because being queer is something I’ve run from my entire life. And I love him and I don’t know how I could ever say it because love isn’t something I’m very familiar with.

“And then the song gets leaked and the only people in my life it could possibly be are people whom I have trusted with my entire being, and I don’t know what to do. So I have to confront the truth that someone in my life has betrayed me and all I can think about is my mother because my father was constantly cheating on her or doing far worse and she once told me, ‘You don’t have to trust a man to love him,’ and so that’s what I did. And then he told me to leave, so I fucking left. And it destroyed me because... I don't know how to exist without him,”

Sirius' voice had lost its fury someway through and all that was left was resignation. He stayed close to Remus but wasn’t looking at him. 

“We’re not your parents,” Remus said softly. “I want you to love me and trust me. I need you to do both.”

Sirius moved his arm so he was holding Remus’s hand, their finger intertwined. He looked up at Remus and took a deep breath. “I’m sorry for accusing you of being the spy. My world was falling apart and I shouldn't have blamed it on you.”

Remus pulled him into an embrace. “It’s okay,” Remus whispered into Sirius’ hair as Sirius’ hands wrapped around his chest. It wasn’t okay, but it would be one day. They would be okay. They could move past this. 

"Together?" Sirius whispered.

"Together," Remus whispered and it felt like a pact.

Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw Lily approach the balcony door. Remus gently let go of Sirius as Lily opened the door. “Hey, Marlene wants to talk to all of us,” she said softly.

Remus nodded and they followed Lily back into the living room. They sat down next to each other on the couch. Their hands were brushing against each other and neither of them attempted to move them away.

“Okay, we’re here,” Remus said. “What do you think?”

“I’m trying to find a way to phrase this professionally,” Marlene said. 

A voice sounded from beside her. “Fuck professionalism and fuck Peter Pettigrew that bastard.”

“Is that Dorcas?” Sirius asked.

“Yes, we live together,” Marlene said dismissively.

“And share a bed?” Sirius asked. Remus hit his arm. If Dorcas was in Marlene’s bed, that was Marlene’s business.

“We’re engaged, Sirius,” Marlene deadpanned. “We are going to share a bed.”

“You’re what!” Sirius exclaimed. If Marlene was in the room with them, Remus had no doubt that Sirius would be standing and yelling in her face, demanding photos. “Since when?”

“Can we question them about their relationship at a time that is not 2 am?” Lily cut in. Sirius shot her an apologetic look. 

“Thank you, Lily,” Marlene said. “We have more important things to worry about, namely our next steps. Lily, do you think Snape will cooperate with us and testify against the Death Eaters?”

“Ummm, I really don’t know. He kind of hates the band's guts. The only reason he told me is because he thought if he confessed, it would make me forgive him and we could start dating or something.”

James blanched. “God, that dude is disgusting.”

Marlene didn’t miss a beat. “Do you think we could leverage that?”

“Absolutely not,” James responded before Lily could even open her mouth. “We are not using some racist’s obsession with Lily for our own gain.” Lily gave James a tired smile.

“I mean it’s a court of law, wouldn’t he have to tell the truth?” Sirius asked.

“In a perfect world, yes,” Marlene said. “But this is not a perfect world.”

“What if we confront Peter?” Lily suggested.

“Are we confronting Peter?” Remus asked.

“Of course,” Sirius said. “That rat bastard has to pay. He’ll be lucky if he can still see by the time I’m done with him.”

It was the kind of threat only someone who had never been in a real fistfight would make. Remus had to fight the smile threatening to raise to his lips. Now was not the time to point to Sirius’ lack of street fighting experience.

“No one is fighting anyone,” James said. Sirius’ gaze snapped to him in an instant and James looked over at him apologetically. “Not that I don’t want to see him pay. I do, but I mean, it’s still Peter. I still can’t wrap my head around it. I’d rather we just do it in a court of law.”

“In that case,” Marlene said. “I’ll create a subpoena for Snape and Peter’s phone images. Tomorrow, we will confront him with all the lawyers present and the recorder going so we have records of everything. Be at the office at 10 am. Until then, for the love of God, go the fuck to bed and don’t mention anything to anyone. We have to hope that the Deatheaters don’t catch wind of this and delete everything off their phones.”

They hung up and looked at each other. They were all exhausted. “You guys can crash here for the night,” Remus said.

“Are you sure?” James asked. “I don’t want to intrude.”

“Dude, it’s like 2 am and you’re already here. I’ll bring out some blankets if you don’t mind the couch.” They didn’t and Lily and James were soon settled on to separate couches. Sirius went to set himself up on a chair, but Remus just gave him a silent quizzical look and then tilted his head towards his bedroom.

Sirius followed and the two of them fell wordlessly into Remus’ bed, too tired to even speak. Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius and he pulled the covers over them. Sirius’ warmth next to him felt as natural to Remus as breathing and he was soon pulled into a dreamless sleep.

-

Waiting in the conference room for Peter to arrive was one of the tensest moments in Remus’ life. They had chosen to arrive early and present themselves as a united front with Lily in tow. All the lawyers looked particularly grave. Sirius wouldn’t stop bouncing his leg as they waited, so Remus discreetly held his hand under the table. He didn’t stop anxiously bouncing, but he gave Remus a soft smile anyways. 

Peter entered the room, the same frazzled, barely put together energy he always had. How much of it was a ploy? All of it? None of it? For just a second, Remus was worried they’d made a mistake, that maybe Snape had lied to them about the whole thing. How much could they trust Snape anyways?

But then Peter read the room and very carefully sat down. “What’s going on? What is Lily doing here?” His voice was much more measured than Remus had picked up on before. It’s like he could sense the trap he was walking into.

Marlene cleared her throat and the lawyer pressed play on the recorder. “Mr. Pettigrew,” she began. “Some information has come to our attention. There have been some extremely serious accusations laid against you.”

She was speaking carefully, presenting the information like Peter could be innocent. Remus didn’t know if it was to cover her ass in a court of law or if it was to lull Peter into a false sense of security.

“We have reason to believe that you were the one who leaked the song to the Death Eaters.”

“What?’ Peter stumbled out. He turned to James. “You really think I would do something like this? We’re best friends.” And at that moment, Remus knew the bumbling idiot Peter was all an act. He could play innocent all he wanted but turning to James, someone who valued friendship and trust above all else, appealing to his sense of justice before defending himself, it was all so calculated.

James flinched at Peter’s words but mustered up the courage to look Peter in the eye as he said, “I’m sorry, Wormtail. But I really do.”

Peter seemed to collapse into himself a little more, his voice growing more wary and uneven. “Where is this coming from? I’ve been nothing but kind since day one.”

Remus saw his own defense reflected in Peter’s and without Snape’s words, he would’ve believed him too. He tried to catch Sirius’ eye to see what he was thinking. But the other boy wouldn’t take his deadly gaze from Peter.

“Severus came to me last night,” Lily spoke up, her voice firm and filled with animosity. “He told us everything. He showed us the photos you took of Remus’ notebook.” 

The hatred in her voice seemed to throw Peter. Lily knew Peter as a child too, Remus realized. She had watched him stumble through homework and joke in the hallways. It was her betrayal too.

Peter looked around the room in disbelief. “You would believe Snape over your best friend?” His words ached with desperation. Remus wanted to believe him. He wanted the heartbreak to end. Remus understood then, in a way he hadn’t before, that there was no way he was coming out of this unscathed. 

The silence in the room served as his answer. Peter sunk back into his chair and looked around as if he was seeing everyone’s faces for the first time. Remus shifted uncomfortably in his chair as Peter’s eyes fell over him.

“We have issued a subpoena for all photographs, audio, and all other music-related files on your phone,” one of the lawyers spoke and passed over a contract. Peter read through it and his expression continued to fall deeper into despair.

The room was uncomfortably silent as the whole room waited for Peter’s reaction. But he didn’t say a thing, just kept reading it over and over.

Finally, Sirius, who had been simmering in silent rage for the whole meeting, spoke up. “Why’d you do it?” he asked. His voice was even and cold.

Peter looked up with that same tragic expression, but then a decision seemed to cross his face and his features distorted themselves into a small, demented smile. It was like watching a mask drop away. "Why did I do it?" Peter let out a humorless laugh.

“Do you have any idea what it has been like to watch you and James slowly edge me out of your lives? To watch as your best friend is taken from you? No one pays attention to little Peter. No asks about how he’s feeling, about his life, about what he wants. No, just drag little Peter. He’ll be fine with it. Always make him the butt of the joke. It’s not like he has any feelings.”

James’ expression had turned into one of pure horror, but Sirius remained cold. “So you sold us out to our enemy?”

“I finally found someone who recognized me for who I am! I found people who thought I was useful, people who actually cared about what I thought!”

“So you admit it,” Marlene cut in. “You were the leak for the Death Eaters?”

Peter laughed again. It was a twisted, ugly sound. “Of course it was me! Do you really think Lupin could have pulled this off? He’s still scared you guys are going to kick him to the curb.”

The words struck Remus deep in his chest. Was he really that transparent? “You would’ve had to know you would get caught,” Remus said.

“Of course! But it was so fun to watch you scramble, to watch all of you fall apart while I sat on the throne controlling the strings.” Peter was almost gleeful in his triumph.

“You’re disgusting,” Sirius spat out.

“Oh, please. Malfoy’s lawyers will protect me. You can’t do shit.” He sat back in his chair, clearly proud of himself. “And I’m not cooperating with any subpoena,” Peter stood up and made to leave.

“Mr. Pettigrew, we are not done here,” Marlene said forcefully, but Peter didn’t even turn to face her.

“You’ll be hearing from my lawyers,” he said and sauntered out the door.

James put his head in his hands and Lily reached over to rub his back. Remus glanced at Sirius, but it was clear he was in his own world of rage.

“Well,” Marlene said calmly as she turned off the recorder. “We have his confession at least. You all should probably go home and decompress, but we do need to consider that we don’t know how many songs Peter has stolen. We might have to go back to the drawing board completely for this new album.”

Remus looked over at Sirius and he was struck with an idea. “I actually don’t think that will be a problem.”

-

“I just can’t be at my flat with all those photographs of that fucking traitor.” After the meeting, Sirius came back to Remus’ flat for the evening.

“You should ask James to take them down,” Remus suggested. Remus was lying on the couch as Sirius paced in the living room.

“Yeah, I will. I just can’t believe that rat. You saw how he smiled right? Smiling as he detailed his betrayal.” Sirius had yet to call Peter by his name since the confession and Remus didn’t blame him one bit. 

Remus, himself, just wanted to be done with the whole thing. He wanted to put it behind them and start working on the new album but Sirius was still upset by it all.

“Would playing music help?” Remus suggested. The charity concert was only two weeks away. They did not have a lot of time to be writing an entirely new album. 

Sirius ran a hand through his hair and joined Remus laying on the couch. “I don’t know,” Sirius said as Remus wrapped an arm around his waist. 

Remus just hummed in response and played lightly with Sirius’s hair. 

“Did you mean what you suggested in the meeting?” Sirius asked quietly.

“Of course, I did. That’s why I said it.”

“But an album of just my songs? I mean it’s a complete tonal shift. My lyrics are nowhere near as good as yours. I mean the fans will know - “

“Shhh,” Remus cut off Sirius’ babbling. “It’ll be amazing. Your songs are great and I’ll be there every step of the way.”

Sirius turned his head to face Remus. Despite having seen the other man every day for the past few months, Remus never failed to be blown away by his beauty. Even in his arms, it was hard to believe that he was real. Even harder to believe that he was Remus’.

“I love you,” Sirius said like they were the easiest words in the world to say.

Remus smiled, the brightest smile he’d had in months. “I love you too,” he said and leaned into a kiss. His joy was so bright it filled up every corner inside him until the only thing he knew was Sirius’ fingers in his hair, Sirius’ lips against his skin, Sirius’ voice when he says, “I love you,” again and again and again.

-

Much later in the evening, when the sun was beginning to set the London streets in a golden glow, Remus and Sirius shared a cigarette on the balcony.

“So what songs for the album?” Remus asked.

“I haven’t written any yet,” Sirius responded as he blew out a trail of white smoke and passed the cigarette, their fingers making light contact as he did.

“Sure, you have. Heart Like Yours is already recorded. There’s the Saint Bernard song, and the one, Daddy says I’m good for nothing, Mama says that it’s from him ,” Remus sang Sirius’ lyrics into the air.

“Okay, that’s like three songs. We need five more,” Sirius responded.

“What’s the one you wrote? I kiss the scars on your skin ,” Remus sang jokingly into Sirius’ ear.

Sirius laughed and lightly pushed Remus away. “We can’t release that one. The fans will go insane.”

Remus cracked a wide smile, “Isn’t that the point?” 

Sirius just rolled his eyes in response. Remus could think of two other songs that Sirius had already written - I Love You and Talking to the Moon - both of them made when they were in a fight. Remus wasn’t sure he wanted to produce those yet. He knew the videos were already out there anyway.

“Bring out your notebook and grab my guitar. We’ll figure out a few more songs. I know you have some masterpieces in there.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Sirius said but he went and retrieved the items. When he returned, he handed Remus the guitar and started flipping through the pages.

“No, no, let’s switch,” Remus said and reached out for the notebook.

“I’m not very good at guitar,” Sirius said.

“I don’t actually care,” Remus responded as he looked in Sirius’ notebook. “I really just want to find good songs.”

“I’m not sure you’ll find any in there,” Sirius said as he began lightly strumming the guitar off-key.

But just as Sirius said that, Remus came across a certain page.

Disown me, you don't owe me

I don’t want your money

Feel free to leave me

Out of your will

“What’s this?” Remus said after he read the lyrics aloud.

“Oh,” Sirius said, looking over Remus’s shoulder. “I wrote that after that whole scandal with my father.”

The source of all my scarring

Accustomed to my running

From things that shouldn't scare me

“This is really good, Sirius,” Remus said. “Here let’s switch. Did you have a melody for this?”

Sirius handed him back the guitar and began humming out a tune. Together, the two of them created a song with fingers tapping on the ledge as imaginary drums and Remus singing out harmonies into Sirius’ iPhone. By the time the sun went down, they had a new song.

It became easier after that. In the studio, Remus and Sirius brought the song to life with the full power of drums and professional mastering. It was a bit different without Peter, but everyone collectively decided to ignore his absence. His name was never mentioned and Sirius has no problem playing the piano with ease.

Marlene had already pulled them aside to say that they would hire someone else to play it on tour and for the concert, but that felt wrong too, in a sense. Sometimes it felt like the only person playing the piano should be Sirius. But then sometimes, Sirius would be just messing around, playing some classical melody in between takes, and his eyes would glaze over, lost in some painful memory. Remus knew there was a reason Sirius had chosen the drums.

Sirius was right that it would be a tone shift. A lot of the songs leaned more towards rock than the indie-pop they had produced before. Sirius’ lyrics often lacked all metaphors and instead hit for brutal honesty. He had one song especially, Parents, that held no punches.

My daddy put a gun to my head

Said, "If you kiss a boy I'm gonna shoot you dead"

It was almost strange hearing James singing it after so many late nights working them out with Sirius’ voice in Remus’ bedroom, but it also worked in a sense. James was maybe the only person in the world that Sirius could trust with something so personal.

So I tied him up with gaffa tape

And locked him in a shed

Then I went out to the garden

And I fucked my best friend

Remus always smiled at that last line. Especially in the studio where Sirius would always look over at him and winked.

Remus and Sirius had had fun writing the song, both of them a little drunk having no problem saying exactly what they feel. After they had finished the first draft, Remus had looked over at Sirius, so comfortable and free lying in his bed with an easy smile. It almost hurt Remus to bring it up.

“Are you going to tell James?” Remus asked.

“About what?” Sirius replied.

“Coming out. Us.”

Sirius stilled a bit as he looked over at Remus. “Not yet,” he said.

Remus could take not yet. “Are you concerned he’ll figure it out from the song?”

“Nah,” Sirius said lazily. “I’ll just tell him you wrote it. Say it’s fictional.”

Which was exactly what happened. James didn’t even question it for a second. It almost made Remus feel bad for lying with how trusting James was. Remus couldn’t help but wonder how James would feel when he found out.

He’d certainly be supportive; Remus had no question about that, but they had lied to him for months. And right after all the Peter stuff, Remus just hoped it wouldn’t be another betrayal in his mind.

The charity concert was supposed to be the preview of the new album, the one that they would tour America with, which meant that in addition to the lawsuit and the recording, there was also a million meetings about marketing and brand awareness and other album things that numbed Remus’ mind.

The main thing Marlene was pushing for was the title of the album. Remus and James both agreed that Sirius should be the one to name it since a lot of the songs were his, but Sirius seemed to be all out of ideas.

“Why can’t I just call it, Sirius’ Album? ” He whined as they sat in the studio, waiting for the Longbottoms to fix something on the track.

“Because that’s a dumb title,” Remus responded.

“We can totally include your name if you want,” James said. “Black Bird,” he suggested.

“That’s a Beatles song, Prongs,” Sirius responded.

“Black Widow?”

“That's a superhero.”

“Blackberry?”

“You’re so shit at this,” Sirius laughed.

“What about the Black Death?”

The three of them toyed with the idea a bit. “Too morbid,” Sirius responded.

“What about the Black Plague?” Remus suggested.

“Ooo, I like it,” James jumped in.

“A lot of it is about how shit your family is,” Remus said. “Black Plague would emphasize that.”

Sirius pondered it for a moment as he stared up at the ceiling and then his eyes fell back on Remus and he gave him a soft smile. “The Black Plague. I like it.”

-

The weeks in the studio passed by in a blur and without even realizing it, it was the day of the charity concert. By the time the band arrived, there were already a few tents set up and teen girls camping out on the street.

“How long have they been out there?” James asked Marlene.

“Who knows?” Marlene responded as she quickly typed on her phone.

“Can we buy them pizza?”

Sirius laughed at James’ suggestion. “What?”

“They were nice enough to wait out here to listen to us play, I feel like we should repay them somehow.”

Marlene looked over at James to check if he was serious. “Okay,” she said simply. “I’ll call Domino's.”

After a long tour of the theatre, a rundown of today’s schedule, a quick mic check, and a lighting run-through, the pizza finally came, at least twenty boxes of it. The three of them walked out to the line that had much expanded in the three hours they’d been there and started passing out pizzas.

James was brilliant - talking to every person, thanking them for staying out there, asking questions about their day. Sirius would give a slight flirt but significantly less than how he'd been before. Remus was as quiet as ever, but he enjoyed watching them interact. It clearly made the boys and the fans so happy which made Remus happy in turn. 

He was grateful to the fans, of course, but he still didn’t know how to interact with them. Not like James, who masterfully sidestepped questions about Peter, or Sirius, who could make anyone fall in love with him in just one look.

Once they delivered the pizzas - an event that had been thoroughly photographed and tweeted about - they had yet another run-through, which went quite smoothly. They had a break as they got ready for the show to begin. 

James was styling a tasteful rocker look while Sirius, on the other hand, was going much wilder - chains, leather jacket, tight black pants that left little to the imagination. Remus didn’t even know he owned some of the items, but Sirius pulled them off masterfully. For his outfit, Remus wore simple ripped jeans and a sleeveless shirt, but for the first time, let his scarred arms exposed. The world already knew what he looked like anyway. 

“You look nice,” Sirius said, standing behind Remus’s chair.

Remus looked up at him with a smile. “Mmm, thank you. You look nice too.”

“You know what you need though?” Sirius asked, taking a seat next to him.

“Oh?”

Sirius reached into his pocket and pulled out some eyeliner. Remus let out a large laugh and nodded his head. “You’re right,” he said and leaned in so Sirius could apply the makeup.

For the first time, he wasn’t scared or nervous at all. He knew where he stood with Sirius. He trusted completely as the other boy took his face in his hands. 

Once it was complete, Remus looked in the mirror and back at Sirius. “Fantastic.” 

Sirius lit up with a brilliant grin. “You really think so?”

“Mmhmm,” Remus hummed and then did a quick look around the room. No one was even glancing their way, so he leaned in and quickly kissed Sirius. Remus didn’t think he would ever tire of seeing Sirius’ lovesick face.

-

When the opening act was finally finished, Remus, Sirius, and James mounted a platform that would rise up from under the stage. They were all clearly nervous, so Remus gestured for the other two to put their hands in a circle. “I solemnly swear…” Remus started and the other two quickly joined in. "That I am up to no good.”

The three of them rose, arms around each other, to a crowd of thousands of screaming fans. They all waved and assumed positions as James effortlessly greeted the crowd. They started with an old classic from their first album, which garnered many cheers from the crowd.

Before starting the new material, James made sure to address the elephant in the room. “So if you’ve been following us for a while, you might know that we are missing a member.”

Boos already started jeering from the crowd. The lawsuit had become somewhat of a public affair, but James shook his head. “No, no. Despite everything he’s done, tonight is a night of celebration. We aren’t going to look at what we lost, but instead, honor what we have.” This earned a round of cheers from the crowd. “But because of the lawsuit and not knowing what has or has not been leaked. We decided to take our music in a new direction.”

James looked back at Remus and Sirius with a wide smile. “So today, our music is coming from our new album the Black Plague.” At this, the entire crowd went ballistic. They screamed for what felt like an eternity until James put a finger on his lips and the crowd fell into a hush. Remus would never not be at awe at James’ control of an audience.

“So our previous album was written mostly by the lovely Remus Lupin here.” The crowd cheered and Remus raised a hand in greeting. “But this album,” James continued as the crowd quieted, “was written in combination with Remus and Sirius.”

At this, the crowd screamed the loudest. It was absolutely ridiculous. Remus started laughing and then locked eyes with Sirius who was grinning mischievously. Remus knew the cameras were on them, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t not smile when Sirius looked at him like that.

Sirius gave Remus a wink, which only sent the crowd into hysterics once again. Remus rolled his eyes but sent air kisses back. James found this to be the most hilarious thing in the world. He laughed so hard, Remus thought he might fall over.

“So in honor of that, let’s play some new music!” James shouted over the crowd and he played the opening chords to a new song Sirius and Remus had written - Twin Size Mattress.

At this point, Sirius got on his microphone as James vamped. “So, I ran away from home at 16 and when I left, I left behind my little brother.” The crowd was on the edge of their seats with the story. “I wrote this song as a kind of conversation between us, if I could talk to him and what he might say to me.”

James began singing and even though Remus had heard it a dozen times before, the song never failed to take his breath away.

It's no big surprise you turned out this way

When they close their eyes and prayed you would change

And they cut your hair, and sent you away

You stopped by my house the night you escaped

With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay

You said, "Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way!"

On that last line, all three of them joined in and shouted it with all their being - all three of them knowing that those words were true.

I'm sure that we could find something for you to do on stage

Maybe shake a tambourine or when I sing, you sing harmonies

Remus had helped Sirius build this part. It was a response to Regulus’s plea. It was an offering that Sirius never had the opportunity to give. 

It was an intense song to start the concert, but it set the mood. This album was darker than their last, but it was also far rawer. Remus knew the audience could sense that. 

Halfway through the concert, they started playing softer things - Heart Like Yours, Talking to the Moon, and a new song Sirius and Remus had worked on. For these, Sirius took over playing the piano, something the fans absolutely freaked out about. 

Mom, I'm tired

Can I sleep in your house tonight?

Mom, is it alright

If I stay for a year or two?

The song was about those first few years living at the Potters where Sirius missed his mother and then felt guilty because how do you miss someone who was so awful to you?

Mom, I'll be quiet

It would be just to sleep at night

And I'll leave once I figure out

How to pay for my own life too

It wasn’t even an aching for his own parents. It was an aching for the idea of parents who loved you and took care of you the way parents do in movies. Remus knew what a very particular kind of longing that was.

They finished their concert with a song that Remus knew would set the fans on fire - I kiss the scars on your skin , James sang though everyone knew Sirius wrote those words. Sirius was so damn transparent and Remus couldn’t be happier about it.

-

After the show, they were relaxing backstage. There would be a meet and greet later, but as the venue filtered out, the band was able to catch their breath a bit. They were back in their nice dressing room with wide mirrors, bright lights, and long couches that the boys were resting on. Sirius had his arm tiredly around Remus’ shoulders.

Sirius was scrolling through Twitter as Remus looked over at Sirius' phone. The fans were going wild and Remus felt a swell of pride in his chest. Out of the corner of his eye, Remus saw a security officer come up to Marlene and have a whispered conversation. Then the two of them start to leave the room. Remus nudged Sirius’ side and gestured to Marlene, a silent question in his eye. Sirius just shrugged, knowing no more than him.

Then the door opened again and a man, maybe a year or two younger than themselves walked into the room. Rigid posture, tightly trimmed dark black hair, and an expensive suit - it could be no one else but Regulus Black. 

Beside him, Remus felt Sirius still and remove his arm from around Remus. Sirius stared for a moment before standing and walking up to his brother.

“Hey, Reggie,” he said with soft politeness.

“Hello Sirius,” Regulus said with a matched tone. His hands were behind his back and he wore a carefully blank expression.

"I didn't know you were coming," Sirius said.

“My friends found out that I had never been to a real concert before, so they brought me here. You can imagine my surprise when I saw the main act.”

“Oh,” was all Sirius responded. It was painfully civil.

“You played well,” Regulus filled the silence. “I do not know the drums but your piano skills were quite impressive.”

“Not as much as yours are, I’m sure.”

Regulus gave him a tight smile in response. “How have you been?” Every word was so careful, as if they were both waiting for something to set the other off.

“I’ve been good,” Sirius responded. “Playing music and all that. How have you been?”

“I’ve been well. I’m studying law.”

“Oh, wow,” Sirius said lightly. “That’s wonderful, Reg.” 

They continued standing there, looking at each other and saying nothing. Remus looked over to James as if to ask what to do, but James seemed just as lost as Remus felt. 

Finally, Sirius let out a shaky breath. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“I told the security that I was your brother and showed my ID. They let me through.”

“Not backstage, but here.” Sirius gestured to where Regulus was standing. “I didn’t… I didn’t think I’d ever see you again.”

An expression flashed across Regulus’s face - regret or something like it. “Sirius…” he said, but was cut off as Sirius pulled him into a tight hug. Regulus hugged back, hesitantly at first but then he seemed to break down into it. Remus heard sniffles and watched the rise and fall of Sirius’ shoulders.

When the brothers finally detached, Sirius was wiping tears from his face. “I never should’ve left you there. I’m so so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Regulus responded. He wasn’t crying, but his voice sounded more human. “Mother has always been easier on me.”

Sirius looked down. On Regulus’ hand sat the ring of The Most Noble and Ancient House of Black. Remus guessed that it used to be Sirius’.

“Does she know you’re here?” Sirius asked softly.

“No. I’m not sure she would approve.”

“But you’re here anyway?” Sirius’s voice was full of hope.

“Yes,” Regulus responded firmly.

“Can I…” Sirius began and seemed to back down. Regulus raised an eyebrow and Sirius continued. “Can I give you my phone number? I would like to see you again.”

Regulus nodded and took out his cellphone, handing it over to Sirius. As Sirius silently typed in the other boy’s phone, Regulus voiced a question of his own. “Where did you go when you left?”

Sirius looked up sharply and took a deep breath. “I was on the street for a bit,” Sirius said. “And then I went to James’.” 

With that, both of the boys looked over to where James sat. James gave them a nervous smile which both of them politely returned.

“You could leave too, you know,” Sirius suggested quietly to Regulus. “You could come live with us.”

Regulus shook his head slightly. “I can’t do that. I’m not brave like you.”

“I don’t believe that for a second,” Sirius responded without missing a beat.

“Maybe it’s better to work from within. Become a politician. Make the Black name something to be proud of.”

Sirius smiled, the joyful face of an older brother. Marlene entered the room, “Five minutes until the meet and greet, guys.”

Sirius let out a breath, “Right, thank you, Marlene.” Sirius looked back over to his brother. “Here, you should meet the band before you go.” Sirius gestured for James and Remus to come over.

“You remember James.” James smiled and held out his hand which Regulus shook. “And this is Remus. He writes pretty much all of our music.”

Remus shook Regulus’s hand. “Nice to meet you,” Remus said, hoping he was saying the right thing.

“You played well,” Regulus said. “Both of you.”

Marlene was looking at them with an expression that reminded them all they were on a schedule.

Sirius turned back to Regulus. “Promise me you’ll call or text or something.”

“I will, I promise,” Regulus responded and then looked around as if he couldn’t believe where he was standing. “I’m proud of you, Sirius,” he said finally and then Sirius brought him into another hug. It looked like neither of them would ever let go.

“I love you, Reggie,” Sirius said into his shoulder.

“I love you too,” Regulus responded without a moment of hesitation.

Eventually, they pulled apart. Regulus dipped his head to Remus and James. “Lovely to see you two. I hope I will see you again soon.”

Regulus gave Sirius one more quick hug and then left the room. Remus looked over to Sirius to see a soft smile. James placed a hand on his shoulder and gave him a tight squeeze. “Come on, let’s go meet some fans.”

-

That night, Sirius came over and the two of them lied in bed, arms wrapped around each other. They stayed up late as Sirius told story after story of growing up with Regulus. It was like the dam had broken and suddenly Regulus was in every other sentence. Remus could see the pure joy in Sirius’ face to say his brother’s name without regret. Sirius’ childhood became a little more accessible.

Remus could see their future at that moment - waking up in the mornings with Sirius by his side, writing music with him in the sunlight, performing with him at night. He could imagine introducing him to his father or having dinners with Regulus. Their joy could be light and easy and everlasting.

“I love you,” Remus whispered into the night air.

“I love you too,” Sirius responded easily, sleepily. The two of them fell asleep, soft smiles still on their faces.

Unbeknownst to them, as the night crawled into morning video was released to the Daily Mail and spread like rapid-fire across the internet.

It was an audio recording taken from Sirius’ phone, another unreleased song Remus and Sirius had worked on weeks ago. Their soft voices were gentle and joking as Remus sang out a song. 

God is real, he was sleeping in my bed last night

We were naked with the radio on

Played him favorite song

Then Sirius’ voice on the audio recording, clearly close Remus’ “You’re really out here calling me a god? I’m going to develop a complex.”

“As if you haven’t already,” Remus responded, his voice teasing and sweet.

“Oh, shut up,” Sirius responded and the most damning of it all, the clear, undeniable sound of a kiss, before the recording shuts off. 

By the time Sirius and Remus woke up, the audio had already been shared one hundred thousand times.

Notes:

lmao writing this chapter literally gave me wrist pain.

anyway!!! thank you to all the new readers!! it means so much that people would read my writing. we're in the final stretch now, but i want to thank you for sticking with me. reading your comments always makes me so happy :)

also! if u make a tiktok abt this fic please tag me @haey.1 or #allmycardsarehere. everyone who does this has all my love ♡

if u have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them below or at my tumblr

Chapter 18: aftermath + epilogue

Notes:

Songs in this Chapter:
...what are we? by Lizzy McAlpine
Scotty Doesn't Know by Lustra
Hey Look Ma, I Made It by Panic! at the Disco

Remus and Sirius slept in. It was a Sunday morning, their phones were dead, and they had been out so late the night before, they decided to take a moment for themselves. They stayed in bed for at least an hour as the sun streamed in through the window. Sirius’s skin was golden under its glow and Remus couldn’t stop himself from tracing light circles on his chest. 

Remus knew they should probably start their day, but Sirius’s arms around him were intoxicating. In his embrace, he was warm and safe. They stared at each other across the pillows and couldn’t seem to stop smiling. Even their soft kisses felt like an admission of their joy.

Eventually, Remus dragged Sirius out of bed with the promise of tea and toast. Sirius wrapped the blanket around himself and trailed after Remus into the kitchen. Sirius sat on the counter, his sleepy eyes never falling from Remus, always reaching out to touch him as he passed. When breakfast was ready, Remus joined Sirius on the counter and they let their legs dangle side by side.

“So what do you want to do today?” Remus asked as they finished their toast.

“Who cares?” Sirius responded lazily. “Let’s stay inside. Block out the world. Watch a bad movie and make out on the couch.”

Remus leaned over and brought Sirius in for a kiss. “Sounds perfect.”

They finished breakfast and ended up on the couch. Remus turned on the local news and played with Sirius’ hair as the other boy sat in his lap. The news was the same stories as always - rainy weather, unsolved robberies, corrupt politicians. 

“You know my father always had the news on when we were kids,” Sirius said. “It was always so surreal when they did a political story and he was on TV. When we were little, it was the coolest thing ever. As we get older and I realized why he was in the news, it became a sure-fire way for a fight.”

“Do you want me to change the channel?” Remus asked.

“Nah. I’m not letting him take the news from me.” Sirius looked up at Remus and smiled. “Let’s make some happier memories.”

Remus hummed happily and they settled into the next segment. It was celebrity news which Remus only half-listened to. Some movie stars were getting divorced, some soccer player was making a political statement. It was all a bit dull to him, especially compared to the half-asleep boy in his lap.

“Did they just say our names?” Sirius mumbled.

“What?” Remus asked.

“On TV, I thought I heard our names.”

Remus glanced up but the segment had already changed. Remus reached for the remote to go back. “Maybe they were talking about the charity concert.”

“That’s probably it,” Sirius hummed.

Sure enough, Remus saw a graphic of him and Sirius pop on screen and he pressed play. “In music news,” the chipper newswoman spoke, “a recording of Marauders musicians Remus Lupin and Sirius Black was leaked to the Daily Mail last night which has caused a lot of speculation about their relationship. The recording of an unreleased song ends with what sounds like the two of them sharing a kiss. Fans everywhere are going crazy but there is radio silence from the band itself. Sirius Black may sound familiar as he is the disinherited son of Lord Orion Black.”

The news segment moved on but neither Remus nor Sirius were listening. Everything in Remus had run cold. He kept staring at the screen as if it would give him answers. Sirius, on the other hand, sat up from Remus’ lap and start searching the room.

“Where are our phones?” He asked sharply. It broke Remus out of his daze and he stood up. 

“By the front door,” Remus said and followed Sirius there. This must a joke . Remus thought. This can’t be happening. Not like this.

Sirius frantically tapped the screens. “They’re both dead.” He ran a hand through his hair. “Where are your chargers?”

“There’s one in the bedroom, another in the kitchen,” Remus said and Sirius was already off. Remus searched around for his laptop and pulled up Twitter. It was a shit storm.

Tweets like - “WE CALLED IT!! I TOLD YOU BITCHES!” or “they were never subtle. did u hear the new songs? we been knew” or “guys they haven’t confirmed anything. if this is a coming out, let’s respect their privacy.”

Sirius returned to the kitchen with a charger and plugged it into the wall so both phones could charge together. 

“Twitter is going insane,” Remus said. “We’re trending.” There wasn’t a hint of joy in his voice.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Sirius muttered. The phones were not turning on, simply display a dead battery logo. “Has James said anything?”

“No,” Remus said. “Or at least not publicly.”

“Fuck! This is so fucked.” Sirius paced the kitchen as they waited for their phones to power on. Remus checked his email, which was relatively sparse except for two email chains - one from Marlene asking them to respond as soon as possible, another from Dorcas in which radio silence was suggested for the press.

It was a tense and silent two minutes - the world was collapsing around them and they were sat at the kitchen counter, unable to do a thing. Remus reached out his hand, unsure if Sirius would take it - terrified of what it would mean if he didn’t.

Sirius glanced down at Remus’ hand on the counter and back up to Remus’ eyes. He interlocked their fingers, squeezing them tight. “Whatever happens, we do it together?”

Remus nodded, feeling that familiar swell in his chest. “Together,” he replied, a smile on his face. 

Sirius leaned his head against Remus’s shoulder. “I love you,” he whispered like it was a lifeline. 

Remus put his arm around Sirius and threaded his fingers through the other boy’s hair. “I love you too.”

Remus’s phone turned on first. Instantly, his phone lit up with missed calls and texts. 3 calls from Lily, a text from Chris ("I know we haven't talked much, but I'm sorry this is happening. I have your back"), 2 calls from Oliver and a text that said, “hope you’re okay. call me when u can.” There were 4 calls from James and a series of texts:

“Did you see Twitter?”

“Sirius is with you right?”

“Please call me when you get these”

“Marlene is trying to get a hold of you”

"As am I"

“No matter what, I love both of you, please call.” 

There were also 6 missed calls from Marlene and a text that just says, “Call me.”

Remus knew Sirius was reading them all over his shoulder, but before Remus could even gauge Sirius’ reaction, he decided to call Marlene. Remus needed her logical problem-solving mind right now.

Marlene picked up almost immediately and Remus put her on speakerphone. “Remus, good morning. Is Sirius with you?”

“Yeah, I’m here,” Sirius said flatly.

“Great, that makes things a bit easier.” Marlene seemed like she was going to say something else but then her tone changed. “How are you guys doing?” her voice softer than Remus had ever heard it.

Remus and Sirius looked at each other, both at a loss for what to say. “Well,” Remus started. “We had a lovely morning and then we watched the news and saw what happened.” Remus still didn’t even have the words to describe it. “And then I checked Twitter and turned on my phone and called you and here we are.”

“Here we are,” Marlene said. “Well, we don’t have any concrete proof of who leaked the audio, but it’s safe to say that it was likely Mr. Pettigrew. No one else would have such intimate access to Sirius' phone with the exception of you and James, but given the fact that James called me yelling about it last night, it wasn't either of you. But for now, I think it is better we focus on how we react.”

Marlene paused in case the boys wanted to say something, but they remained silent so she continued. “Now, that audio was pretty damning, I’m not going to lie. It would be difficult to pass that as a no-homo hyper-masculinity moment. So instead, we could issue a statement about violation of privacy and keeping personal lives separate from public personas.”

Again, Marlene paused for comment, but there was none. “Or,” she took a deep breath. “We could confirm that you are dating - if that is what you two are doing. It is up to you.”

Sirius let out a long sigh and put his head in his hands. Remus just gently rubbed his back. “James doesn’t even know,” Sirius said quietly.

“Oh,” is all Marlene said.

“No one knows,” Remus said. “Besides Oliver. And I think Lily suspects but she never mentioned it.”

“Well, think about your options. We’re getting a lot of interview and comment requests, but we’ve turned them all down for now. I assume you have some personal calls you need to make, but call me back when you have a decision.”

“Okay, thank you, Marlene,” Remus said and he was about to hang up when she spoke up again.

“And boys? I am really sorry this happened to you. I am in your corner, whatever you need.”

“Thanks, Marlene,” Sirius said and then they ended the call.

By this point, Sirius’s phone was up and running. He walked over to where it was charging, reading through all the text messages. Remus couldn’t imagine how many panicked texts he’d received from James.

“I’m going to call Prongs,” Sirius said. 

Remus just nodded as Sirius went out to the balcony. Remus decided to give him his space and so he took his own phone to his bedroom. He laid down on his bed, still not made from the morning. He couldn’t think about how different he had laid in it just an hour ago - how happy the world seemed, how clear the future was. Now, he felt like he had been thrown into the middle of a deep ocean and he was barely treading water. 

He looked to where Sirius had slept the night before. Together, he said. Remus hoped to God they would stay that way.

Remus figured he should call someone - Oliver probably. He would know what to say to make him feel better. But just as he navigated to Oliver’s contact, a new call came through.

“Hello?” Remus answered.

“Hey, Remus, how are you doing?” his dad’s gravelly voice came through the screen.

“I’m alright,” Remus said. It didn’t feel true to say it, but whatever the truth was, Remus didn’t think he could’ve even told him. They never did talk about feelings. “What’s up?”

“Well, I was listening to the radio on the way into work and there was the craziest story about you guys. They talked about a stolen song and a lawsuit and then they played this audio clip that was leaked and well, it sounded pretty personal. I, uh, wanted to call and see how you’re doing.”

“Oh,” Remus said. Of all the things to be calling about, this was not what he expected. His father had always been so separate from his music and his friends. Remus forgot that his life doesn’t exist in a vacuum, that his father thinks of him, maybe even worries about him. It was a strange thought. “Well, um, it’s been…” Remus struggled to find the words. “We just found out about it an hour ago, so there hasn’t been much time to think about it.”

“Right, well, you know, with things like this..." His father paused as if trying to find the right words. "It’s best to hold on to the people around you, ignore the rest. They’re the only people who matter anyway.”

“Oh, thank you.” Where had this fatherly advice been for the past two decades? “Um, what’s going on with you?”

Remus listened politely as his father talked about his work and the Welsh countryside. It wasn’t a deep conversation, but it grounded Remus a bit - a reminder that there was a world outside of all this. 

After a few minutes, when the mundane conversation was exhausted and it seemed about to end, his father said one last thing. “And Remus, I hope he’s worth it.”

Remus thought of Sirius, who still hadn’t returned from his phone call with James. He thought of how he had murmured happy memories into his skin the night before. He thought of writing music with him in the studio and how he looked as he lost himself in a song. “He is," Remus said at last. "He definitely is.”

As Remus hung up the phone, the world swirled around him. He didn’t have the energy to call anyone else, not even Oliver. His thoughts felt like their own kind of inescapable weight, even getting out of the bed felt like too much of a next step. He didn’t know where he would go from here.

He wanted Sirius to come back. He wanted Sirius to wrap his arms around him and they would tell each other that it would all be okay and pretend they weren’t lying. He just wanted him where he could see him. He wanted to know that he wouldn’t run away.

James meant the world to Sirius and Remus knew that whatever James said would destroy Sirius, for better or worse. 

Remus needed to get out of his head. He needed to stop spiraling in what-ifs, so he picked up a guitar and began to sing.

Given the circumstances

I won't ask you to stay

Given the circumstances

I would get it if you walked away

Remus had half the mind to record it, but with everything going on, not even his own phone felt safe. 

But all my life, I've been looking for this

It seems fitting that things go to hell now that I've found it

“Do you ever take a break?” Sirius asked in the doorway. Remus hadn’t realized he was even there.

“Why would I ever do that?” Remus replied as Sirius got into the bed beside him. Remus moved his guitar aside and wrapped his arm around Sirius. “How’d it go with James?”

“It went alright,” Sirius said. “He was… very concerned and confused,” Sirius was speaking very carefully. “He thought someone had doctored the audio in some way and then I told him that we were dating and we had to have a long conversation about that.”

“Was he… okay with it?”

“Yeah,” Sirius nodded. “I mean, he was more concerned about all the jokes he had made about it before and he was very… apologetic, I guess, about us not feeling comfortable enough to tell him before.”

“Of course he did. He’s too good for all of us.”

Sirius laughed lightly. “Yeah, he really is. He’s actually coming over in like twenty minutes with Lily.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a bit while Remus played with Sirius’ hair. “I’m sorry you didn’t get to tell him how you wanted to.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry too,” Sirius said quietly. “Regulus texted.”

“Oh? What did he say?”

Sirius pulled out his phone and read off of it. “You’ve made the news again. You’ll be glad to know you still find ways to drive Mum up the wall. Hope you’re alright.”

“That’s… sweet,” Remus was trying so hard to find the right words. “It seems like he’s okay with it.

“Yeah,” Sirius said softly.  

They didn’t get out of bed until James called to say he was there. In the moments it took for James to climb the stairs to his front door, Sirius had already begun pacing again.

“Hey,” Remus said, catching his attention. “It’ll be fine.”

“Yeah,” Sirius sighed out. Remus knew Sirius didn’t believe him, so he went up to Sirius and flicked the side of his head. Sirius instantly turned to face him, looking mock offended. “What was that for?”

Remus just smiled and reached up to either side of his face, bringing him into a kiss. Sirius instantly relaxed and brought his hands up to Remus’s waist as they deepened the kiss.

“Woah, hey guys,” James' voice sounded from behind them. They instantly broke apart and stared down James and Lily who stood awkwardly in the entryway. 

There was a bit of uncomfortable silence as they stared at each other, unsure what to say. Sirius’ hands were still lightly touching Remus’ waist and James was seemingly fixated on the two of them.

“Hey James, Lily,” Remus finally said. 

It seemed to break James out of his stare and he walked over to them with a wide, nervous smile on his face. “Look at this! My two favorite people! Dating!” 

Sirius and Remus looked at each other, unsure how to take this, so they just smiled awkwardly as Sirius said, “Yup.”

“Oh Jesus Christ,” Lily exclaimed and then pushed past them to bring Remus into a hug. “I love you, baby. I’m so sorry this is happening.” 

They held each other tightly. “Thank you, Lils,” Remus whispered. 

Lily nodded and then turned to Sirius and brought him into a hug too. “Break his heart and I’ll kill you.”

“Understood,” Sirius said. Lily let go and then James brought Sirius into a tight hug. The two of them looked like they were clinging to each other for dear life, whispering into each other’s ears. Remus thought he might have seen tears in James' eyes. All awkwardness from earlier was quickly forgotten.

“Let’s give them some privacy,” Lily whispered and Remus nodded, leading the two of them to the balcony.

“And here I thought that I was Sirius’ boyfriend,” Remus joked on the way out.

“Who are we kidding? We’re just second fiddle,” Lily said and knocked their shoulders together. It felt so good to be able to joke about it now. “How are you?”

“I’ve been getting that question a lot today,” Remus said in lieu of a real response.

“You wanna give me an answer?” Lily pressed on.

“I don’t know, Lils. It’s all so fucked.” Remus resisted the urge to pull out a cigarette. He knew how much Lily hated them. “I’ve just been trying not to think about it, because when I think about it, I get really upset and I know if I go on Twitter right now or even the fucking news, apparently, I’ll just get so pissed,” he took a deep breath. “I mean, no one knew, Lily. No one.”

“Why didn’t you tell anyone? James at least?”

“I mean, I just couldn’t believe it was real.” Remus looked through the glass door where Sirius and James were talking. “Dating Sirius felt like an impossibility for so long, so when it was finally real, I just didn’t want to mess it up. And James… I mean, that’s Sirius’ brother. I couldn’t ask Sirius to do that. I still think he’s terrified of losing his family again.”

“Yeah,” Lily said. “James freaked out when he found out. He thought it was fake at first and then when I convinced him it probably wasn’t, he freaked out again about your guys' privacy. I’m glad I was the one who was there; it probably would’ve been a lot for you two to handle.”

“He’s okay with it though?”

“Of course he’s okay with it. It’s fucking James. I mean he’s not exactly the most heterosexual man himself.”

Remus laughed lightly. “Yeah, you’re right about that.”

“So what are you going to do? Are you going to tell everyone?”

Remus hadn’t given it much thought before but he knew his answer immediately. “I want to. It’s pretty much already out there. It would be naive to deny it now. I just hope that’s what Sirius wants too.”

Lily didn't say anything, just put her hand over Remus's and let their fingers intertwine. They listened to the traffic of London below. Remus tried to remind himself that there was a whole city out there unconcerned with his love life. He tried to remind himself that there would be moments beyond this where he would be laugh and smile and it would all be okay.

James and Sirius opened the door then. They seemed to be in good spirits. “Marlene just called,” James said. “She said that the subpoena went through yesterday and they got all the stolen files. Marlene thinks that’s why Peter leaked the audio now because he knew he was losing this battle.”

“It might’ve gone into the public record as evidence anyway,” Sirius added. “So him releasing it now might actually be a blessing in disguise because it makes our case look better.”

“One last power play from Peter,” Remus said. “I guess we should start thinking about next steps then.”

“Well, I already tweeted out ‘fuck you peter pettigrew,’ and it’s trending worldwide,” Sirius replied as he went to stand beside Remus.

Remus got out his phone to check. “Of course you have. I’m sure Marlene loved that.” He liked the tweet.

“She thought it was pretty funny actually.”

“Should we do anything else?” Lily asked.

“What can we do?" Sirius asked. "He’s already out of the band and being sued by one of the biggest record labels in the country. I think he’s going to get what’s coming to him.” 

“Wow, here I was thinking that you would demand we storm his house, engage him in a street fight,” Remus teased.

“What can I say? I’m a changed man,” Sirius leaned over and kissed Remus’s cheek.

“Ugh, is that what we’re going to have to deal with now?” Lily made a fake gagging face.

“Sorry Evans, I’ve got a hot boyfriend. Now I can finally show him off,” Sirius said and pulled Remus in for a real kiss.

Remus lightly pushed him away and ignored the blush he knew was sprouting on his cheeks. “So are we telling people then?”

Sirius looked at him like there was no one else in the world. “I mean, if that’s okay with you?” 

Remus’s face broke out into a wide smile. “Of course it's okay with me.” Remus wrapped an arm around Sirius and let his head fall on top of his boyfriend's. Remus looked back to see his friends beaming up at them.

“Awww,” Lily cooed to James. “They’re in love.”

Remus rolled his eyes but didn't distance himself from Sirius in any way.

“So how are you gonna do it?” James asked.

“Well...” Sirius started and Remus already knew he was in for trouble by the mischievous look in his eye. “I do have one idea.”

-

They were in their old rehearsal space - a broken-down warehouse where the cloudy sunlight streamed through the half-collapsed roof. They had all their instruments set up. Sirius was on drums and Remus had his bass but he'd also set up a microphone. James was standing to the side with another - Remus had taught James his part just a few hours earlier.

The video they filmed had no introduction, just Remus’ soft count in and then the sound of a bassline as Remus sang the first verse.

James doesn't know that Sirius and me

Do it in my van every Sunday

He tells him he's in church but he doesn't go

Still he's on his knees and James doesn't know

James was full-on laughing as the song went on. His laughter was infectious, but Remus tried to sing through it as they jammed.

Oh, James doesn't know

So don't tell James

James doesn't know

James doesn't know

They couldn’t even get to the next verse, too busy laughing their asses off. James shook his head and pulled Remus and Sirius into a big hug. Sirius turned to Remus and brought him into a deep kiss, which caused James to start clapping as he laughed. They broke apart and Remus wore a ridiculous smile as he went to turn off the camera.

The internet went wild. It was instantly picked up by a dozen major news sites. Queer newspapers were already reaching out for interviews as headlines like “Marauders Band Members Sirius Black and Remus Lupin Come Out in Hilarious Rock Fashion,” circled the press.

And the fans? They couldn’t get enough of it.

“DKDJSFGHAKDHG DID I CALL IT OR DID I CALL IT”

“I TOLD YOU BITCHES I TOLD YOU SIRIUS X REMUS FOREVER”

“A WIN FOR THE GAYS!!! SO PROUD OF THEM”

The boys laid down on the concrete floor and read the tweets aloud, their laughter floating up into the sky. With Sirius and James at his side, Remus had never felt more loved.

-

One Year Later

“Come on guys! You’re on the stage in thirty minutes. I want you ready!” Marlene shouted at them, and for good reason. Sirius was still in the green room trying on a new outfit for the fifteenth time, anxiously running a hand through his hair.

Remus walked up behind him, snaked an arm around his waist, and looked at the two of them in the mirror. “You look perfect, babe. Don’t worry about it.”

Sirius smiled softly as he leaned into Remus’s touch. “But it’s Madison Square Garden. I have to look amazing.”

“You always do,” Remus murmured.

Sirius just rolled his eyes. “You’re no help.”

Madison Square Garden was the last stop of their sold-out American tour. The year had passed in a blur of screaming fans and packed stadiums singing their songs back to them. It had been the best year of Remus’ life - traveling the world, performing with his best friends, and the whole time, he had the love of his life to share it with.

Sirius turned to face Remus, gently caressing his cheek. “You need some eyeliner.”

“Oh do I, Mr. Black?” Remus teased.

“You certainly do, Mr. Lupin.” Sirius guided them to the couch, grabbed his eyeliner, and leaned into where Remus was sitting waiting. Before they even began, Remus left a quick kiss on Sirius' lips, not bothering to check who’s around. Remus settled into the easy familiarity of Sirius’ hands against his jaw.

“You two are so in love, it’s insufferable,” a voice sounded from the other side of the room. Remus turned and smiled at Oliver. Remus had invited him to the last show of the tour and Oliver had graciously made the flight.

“You get used to it after a while,” Lily said. She had been with them too for the last few shows as well and James hadn't left her side since.

“Welcome to the perpetual third wheel club,” James said, his arm comfortably around Lily's shoulders. 

“Shut up all of you,” Sirius said as he put the finishing touches on Remus’ eyeliner.

Just at that moment, Marlene walked into the room. “Oh, thank you for quieting the room, Sirius. I have an announcement.” She took a pause as everyone turned to look at her. “I just got a call from the lawyers and we’ve officially won the lawsuit against the Death Eaters.”

“Wait, really?” James said and Marlene nodded as the room burst into cheers. “That’s amazing!” James immediately pulled Lily into a kiss and then stood up to hug Marlene, which she reluctantly accepted.

“The rat finally got what was coming to him,” Sirius said as James came over to hug him.

“What a great gift for the end of the tour,” Remus said.

“Speaking of, I need you all to get ready under the stage. We will have a proper celebration later.” 

Instantly, they all got up and started gathering their things. Lily gave Remus a hug as she left to go find a spot in the wings. Oliver came up right after her, pulling Remus into a tight embrace. “I’m so proud of you,” he whispered. Remus just hugged him tighter.

Oliver turned and brought Sirius into a hug too. “Proud of you too, fucker. You make him happy,” and then Oliver let go and followed Lily out of the room.

James, Sirius, and Remus split off in the opposite direction, following Marlene into the underbelly of the stage. As they waited for the opening act to finish, James pulled them into a huddle.

“Alright, one last time?” James put his hands in the center and the other boys followed. “Marlene, I don’t see your hands,” James said. Marlene looked a little surprised but she put her hands in the center. “3, 2, 1,”

“I solemnly swear I am up to no good," they all said with smiles.

Marlene waved them off as they boarded the platform, arms around each other as it rose to the top of the stage. The audience was deafening in their screams. The three of them gave wide waves as their faces were reflected in jumbotrons. They assumed their positions and the show began.

“Hello!” James shouted and got only screams back. “Before we begin, I want to tell you a story.” He put a finger to his lips and quieted the crowd. “About a year and a half ago, the Marauders were playing at some shit little bar in London. No one knew our names or our songs or even wanted us to be there. In fact, the bartender threatened to kick our asses if we didn’t move on. Today, that bartender is playing with us at Madison Square Garden.” The jumbo screen zoomed in on Remus’ smiling face.

“Follow your dreams, kids,” James said at last and the show began.

Hey look ma, I made it

Everything's comin' up aces, aces

If it's a dream, don't wake me, don't wake me

I said hey look ma, I made it

From the sides of the stage, Remus saw Marlene and Dorcas swaying happily to the music. Oliver and Lily were beside them, watching the show with wide smiles. He knew that he wouldn’t be here without any of them.

As the crowd cheered, Remus gave James a bright smile. Then Remus turned to look at Sirius, only to find the boy already staring back at him. Remus felt all the joy in the world rise up inside him. He walked over to Sirius’ drumkit and leaned in for a kiss. The crowd went absolutely berserk. Remus pulled away with a sheepish grin.

I love you , he mouthed, fully aware the stadium could see.

I love you too, Sirius mouthed back.

The whole world knew they were in love and Remus couldn't have been happier.

Notes:

the end!! yay!! seriously thank you to everyone who has taken the time to read this fic and leave kudos and comments. you don't know how much it really means to me.

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edit (6/15/21) - check out this cool edit of the fanfiction!!

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Series this work belongs to:

• Part 1 of amcah band au