Work Text:
‘Ninja never quit.’
Easier said than done.
He was trying…he was trying so damn hard. Trying to stay, trying to be strong, trying to keep on a brave face, trying to hold them up, trying to hold them together.
But he was falling apart and soon…soon he wouldn’t be able to keep this up anymore…and he couldn’t let them see what he would become. He couldn’t…But what else could he do?
There were barely any missions anymore, only a few low-grade robberies and things that the local police could have taken care of but they did it anyway, even if just to find some sense of normalcy…to distract them from what had changed.
The first night after the memorial everyone had retreated to their respective beds, and if anyone managed to actually fall asleep they were quickly thrown from their restless slumber by sobs. Kai had thought about going to their side, if only to offer silent support, but his body felt too heavy and he had told them enough bullshit as way of comfort enough lately, and so, in the end, no one investigated to see who the sobs were coming from.
The next day, bloodshot eyes, reddened cheeks, dark circles, and disheveled appearances were the common attribute between them all.
That night when he felt his bed dip and someone press against his back, fingers clenching the fabric of his shirt as they shook, he didn’t turn to see who it was, even if he already knew, just to make it easier for her to cling to him without any of the shame that undeniably came with it.
She was gone by daybreak.
The next night had a similar occurrence, only this time, about an hour after the arrival of the one pressed against his back, he heard the floorboards creak as shuddered breaths filled the air.
He didn’t move, make a sound, or even breathe, but the same couldn’t be said for the other occupant of his bed.
She shifted, and Nya’s scratchy, practically silent voice broke through the near silence.
“Lloyd…?”
The word was a plea, an invitation, just as much as a question, but a sharp intake of breath followed by scurried footsteps was the only answer.
The next night he didn’t run away, and while Nya was gone in the morning, Lloyd remained curled into his chest. He didn’t know someone with such an outward appearance could appear so small, but he somehow managed.
A few nights after much the same routine, only an hour after they had left each other for their respective beds did someone join him in his, but he wasn’t silent as the other two had been.
“Kai?” He whispered, hesitant, scared, and he wasn’t sure if that was because he wanted him to be asleep or because he wanted an answer.
…Oh, who was he kidding? Of course he knew...but he almost didn’t answer, if only for fear of what he would have to say.
But ‘ninja never quit’ and this was his job, wasn’t it? This is…who he was…right?
“Jay.” He answered, voice soft and as gentle as he could manage it.
That was enough, it seemed, because as soon as the word had left his lips, he found himself with the wind knocked out of him as a foreign body mass collapsed onto his, shaking and sobbing into his side as he clung to him.
He pushed away his discomfort and placed his hands on his back and neck, gently rubbing circles every now and then as his sobs only grew louder.
Nya and Lloyd came and went in an instant, unwilling to disturb the weeper and the comforter.
Jay didn’t come to him anymore after that night, but he did drift closer to him whenever they were in the room with each other. Too close for his comfort to be sure, but he didn’t let his feelings on the matter show.
He couldn’t.
‘Ninja never quit’, right?
Cole never joined in any midnight get-together, but one morning when he came into the kitchen and found Kai cooking breakfast, that stupid apron draped over the counter like an unintentional condemnation, he crumbled to his knees with his face buried in his hands and Kai could do little but turn off the stove and go over to sit beside him.
He didn’t expect him to hug him, but he did, and he held back the hiss that threatened to escape when the tightness of his hold made his bones creak.
When Cole retreated to his room, he wondered if he would have another visitor come nightfall.
He did, if only for a moment.
Everyone was clinging, not just to him but to one another. Even Cole and Jay who were still at each other’s throats over more stupid bullshit were taking every opportunity to push each other around, and he saw it for what it was: an attempt at reassurance.
It got bad, one day, when they were out on a mission, fighting some thugs.
One of them pulled out a knife and Kai nearly got a knife in the gut for his troubles but the other three tackled the guy to the ground before he could even use spinjitzu.
He was perfectly safe, he always had been really, the knife wouldn’t have been able to do shit, but as soon as the bad guys were secured and in the back of a police car, he was cornered by all three of them.
“What the hell, Kai?!” Cole glared dangerously, crossing his arms over his chest.
“Are you crazy?! You could’ve been killed just now!” Jay was throwing his hands around wildly in randomized gestures.
“You can’t do that to us, Kai!” He hated the way Lloyd’s eyes glistened as he spoke. “You have to careful, you–”
He gave them all a very parental look, eyes soft but tone firm. “Guys.”
They all stopped in their raging and turned to him, fear alight in each of their eyes.
“I’m not gonna die on you.”
Tears burned in each of their eyes at that, Lloyd swallowing thickly, Cole turning away to hide his expression, and Jay nodding hurriedly at his words as his lips pursed in an attempt to keep the rambling at bay.
‘Ninja never quit’...now it was starting to sound like a death sentence more than anything.
Still, he breathed deeply and opened his arms out to them. “C’mon.”
None of them hesitated, all throwing themselves at the exhausted man…or…well…’teen’.
That’s when he was yet again reminded of how young they all were…they were just kids…they should be allowed to act like it, they should be allowed to be reassured, to be comforted…
He had to be the adult for them…he had to be strong for them. If one of them couldn’t afford to be a kid, he would be sure as hell it would be him before anyone else.
‘Ninja never quit’, after all.
Only, he couldn’t keep it together, as just a few days later they were on another mission, fighting skeletons this time. None of them pulled a knife, but one of them knocked Lloyd off his feet and almost made him fall into the steaming, acidic waters of the toxic bogs.
He lost it.
All his deep-rooted, buried, burning rage surged through him, crawling its way out of the self-made grave and taking complete control.
Fighting a skeleton hurt, it was punching just bone after all, but this time he didn’t feel the pain as the bones broke and splinters of the bone fragments embedded into his knuckles. He didn’t feel it as he knocked the jaw off the rest of the skull. He didn’t feel it as he punched hard enough for the ribs to crack.
He didn’t even feel it when they dragged him off of the skeleton’s broken body, the groans allowing the others to find solace in the fact that he hadn’t killed the thing with what surely would have killed a normal individual.
“Kai, calm down!” Cole’s voice shouting in his ear was muffled as he panted, fingers and knuckles aching, most likely broken like the rest of his opponent.
His opponent who had almost severely injured Lloyd.
He lunged towards the skeletal man again with a growl only for Jay and Cole to drag him backwards.
“Kai, I’m fine!” Lloyd’s shout broke through the fog of rage that had set in and his furious gaze found his worried one. “Kai–”
“I’ll kill ‘im.”
The words were spoken in such a way that no one had any doubts about the truth of it and they all froze, Kai included.
He…hadn’t meant to say that…
He shook his head, trying to shake the feeling as he shrugged them off. “‘M fine. I’m cool.” He assured, but uncertainty leaked in. He wasn’t so sure…
They didn’t comment, but when time came for them to get the skeletons to the Kryptarium Prison, Cole was adamant that Kai and Lloyd go back to home base ‘because Nya might need help on her new project’ or some bullshit. When he refused, crossing his arms and glaring, pointing out the obvious factor that there were too many skeletons for them to escort with just Cole and Jay to guide them, along with the fact that Cole and Jay hadn’t exactly been getting along as of late.
But the situation was apparently enough for the two to join forces against him, Lloyd quickly following it up with support of his own, and then even the skeletons, the conscious ones anyway, started voicing their own opinions on how he should really go back too, even going so far as to promise to behave, and only his best murderous glare shut them up.
He still ended up being dragged off by Lloyd.
The ride back was nearly silent, except when Lloyd whispered so quietly he wasn’t even sure he was supposed to hear it. “Thanks for caring…” It sounded too genuine not to hurt, but he could see by the fear in his eyes that while he was grateful, more than that, he was scared.
For him.
Shit, and he thought he had already screwed up to full capacity.
Apparently, there was always room for Kai to screw over the people he loved most even more. You’d think he would be better now…but no, he was still just as much of a useless bastard.
That evening, when they were all together, the looks on each of their faces suggested the one thing he feared most.
They had noticed.
Noticed that he hadn’t shown a single card in his deck while they had all bared theirs to him in reckless abandon. They noticed that he hadn’t breathed a word except in comfort. Noticed that he hadn’t taken any of what he was constantly dishing out himself, and he didn’t want to…but they wanted him to.
No one came to him in the night anymore, no one sought him out, and he wondered if they had all agreed to play the waiting game without his knowledge.
To wait him out, just like he had done to them.
It wouldn’t work, but it hurt anyway. It hurt to see the circles under their eyes grow darker each passing day just because they wanted some stupid sign that Kai was human enough to seek them out for comfort.
That wasn’t how things were supposed to be, it was the other way around.
He had messed up big time…and he didn’t know if there was any going back.
They were depriving themselves of something they needed just so that he would get something he didn’t need.
It was idiotic…but he almost caved, almost faltered, because when he saw Lloyd’s bloodshot eyes, barely able to stand up straight, he couldn’t let that happen.
He stopped himself at the door that night before he could go any further. He didn’t want them to try to comfort him, it was stupid and he knew from experience that it hurt. It was fulfilling at times, to be sure…but it also hurt like hell to watch others bare their souls while you can’t bare yours for fear of burdening them…the need to be strong for them…it hurts like hell…
He couldn’t do that to them.
But when he heard Lloyd weeping, he stepped outside to see him curled up on the floor, and it didn’t take a genius to see that he was desperately holding himself back from completing the trek to his bed.
He sighed, scooping the boy up and the boy held onto him without a second thought.
The next day he seemed to have a renewed determination however, and he didn’t make a returning trip.
None of them caved after that, and he regarded their stubborn pigheadedness with an inward sneer when he saw the pleading way they looked at him.
It had been a week since it started and he could tell by the look on Nya and Lloyd’s face that there would be a visit tonight, their stubbornness finally dwindling...but that never happened.
A fight broke out that day.
Cole and Jay were yelling at each other, Nya was caught in the middle, Lloyd was trying to calm them down and Kai had just gotten out of the bathroom.
“What the hell is happening here?!” Kai stepped between them, a hand on each of their chests as he looked from one to the other.
“He’s a backstabbing son of a–”
“Oh that’s rich, Jay–”
“Please you two–”
“Stay out of this, Nya!” They snapped together.
“Excuse me?!” She fumed. “This stupid rivalry has something to do with me and you tell me to stay out of it?! You’re the ones putting me in it!”
“You’re not helping us settle it! Yeah it’s about you, but you aren’t deciding!”
“Maybe I don’t want to!”
“She doesn’t have to say anything! This is between you and me, Cole!”
“I didn’t even do anything! All I did was be nice and Nya took that weird test and I–”
“It was a computer game, why does that–”
“I never said I–”
“Everyone, shut up!” Kai snapped, if they weren't going to get everything out in the open, then he was. “Jay, we all know how you feel about Nya. Cole’s your best friend and you’re feeling betrayed because Nya’s showed slight interest in him and he’s been receptive. You two aren’t settling this like adults, you’re acting like children!”
Someone had to say it.
“This coming from someone who hides away from the world?!” Cole’s anger redirected and he just barely held back a wince.
“Yeah, you act like you’re above it all but we know you’re not!” Jay bit out, glaring at him then.
He sighed, well...at least they weren't yelling at each other anymore. “I’m not–”
“No, you know what?” Cole glanced at the others in the room. “Let’s do this. Right now. Let’s all sit down and have a chat. Get everything, all our feelings and anger and everything else out in the open!”
That...was the last thing he wanted.
“Right now?” Jay was suddenly much quieter.
“Why not?" Cole demanded, eyes falling to Jay. "You afraid of what you might say?”
His eyes narrowed as he snapped back. “I’m not ‘afraid’!”
“Great! It shouldn’t be a problem then!” He turned to him then, raising an eyebrow as he looked him dead in the eye. “Unless you are.”
That look, that single look was all it took for him to feel as though the mask was being torn from him, laying him bare in front of each person he had always feared would see him.
He tensed, shoulders seizing up as his heart shuttered in his chest, stomach twisting violently.
A deafening 'crack' he was sure was real reverberated in his ears, and he was so scared...so petrified that they heard it...that they could see it.
His breathing had stopped and silence was hanging in the air, expectant and waiting, waiting…a noose swinging back and forth, closer each time, rope woven especially for him, carefully constructed secrets making it tighter, tighter, tighter before he had even put it around his neck…
‘Do it.’ Some deep, dark, demented part of him cooed. ‘Let them watch you hang.’
He swallowed, and desperation kicked in as he turned on his heel, snatched up his jacket and was out the door in an instant.
‘Ninja never quit. Ninja never quit. Ninja never quit. Ninja never quit. Ninja never–’
“Shut. Up.” He growled to himself as he dragged a hand over his face, the busy streets around him making it easy to ignore that he had spoken aloud.
Yeah, 'ninja never quit' but so what? A guy couldn't take a walk?
'But that's not what you're doing.'
He stopped in his tracks as he found the accusation from what was probably the grinning demon on his shoulder rang true.
He...he was running away, wasn't he?
'Coward.'
He gritted his teeth, growling as he dragged his still aching hand over his features.
Okay, yeah. He left...and...maybe he was considering not going back...
But could he really do that? Leave them? Leave his little sister and the people that had become his brothers? Could he really abandon them, leave them alone without their comforter? Their protector?
'Zane.'
That time he knew it was the demon on his shoulder as he grimaced, hands clenching as he stumbled over to lean heavily against the wall.
It was right though...Zane...he had been his 'protector' too, right? What bullshit, he couldn't 'protect' anyone.
Wu had said it himself, just before he...
'He's protecting us.'
He...he had just been lying to himself this whole time, hadn't he? Lying to himself just like he did to everyone else...it was only fair. He must have done it just to make himself feel better. Because yeah, what was he without that made-up purpose?
Worthless, that's what.
And if he didn't have any worth...then...they'd be better off without him.
It was like a knife cut straight through his heart.
He swallowed thickly...he would only stand in their way...he would only...be a burden.
His shoulders hunched in on themselves as he leaned his head back to rest against the wall, his world crumbling to pieces around him.
Two voices drifted through the disarray of emotions clouding his mind and he focused in on them as way of desperate distraction. They were murmuring together down an alleyway beside him and he scowled at what he was hearing.
“--Too good to be true.”
“I swear, man! All ya gotta do is sign up, get in the ring, and the dough comes in before ya know it.”
“I don’t want a buncha guys beatin up on me.”
“‘S one on ones, that’s all.”
“I dunno man…underground fighting rings…I just don’t think that’s the way.”
He stopped listening after that, looking down at the palms of his hands. He flexed his fingers, clenching and unclenching his fists, feeling the way they panged and burned with each movement, bandaged though they were.
He unwrapped the cloth, peeling it off the broken, reddened skin, feeling the way the irritated flesh ached enough to make him flinch just a little.
He stared down at his hands, clenching them once more. Pain surged through him and he shuddered as something eased inside him just a bit.
He had failed, time and time again. Screwed up, hurt the people he cared about, got one of them killed, and now he had run away from them.
He couldn’t go back…he would only hurt them more.
But this…his fingers dug into his palm, deep enough to draw blood…this pain…it was like–like retribution.
He breathed deeply, pushing himself off the wall and turning down the alley. The pair immediately quieted and he stuffed his hands into his pockets, grinning a little too menacingly. “Where’s this fighting ring?”
He couldn’t make things right, he couldn’t fulfill the one thing he had thought he was good for, and he couldn’t even go home.
But he could get some of the treatment he deserved and he could take his own anger out while he was at it.
‘Ninja never quit’ A desperate voice in the back of his head reminded in a plea.
And yeah…it was right.
He had really loved being a ninja…it was just too bad he wasn’t one anymore…or was it?