Chapter Text
“Your reputation precedes you, Siyeon-ssi.” The girl smiled shyly.
Siyeon huffed out a low chuckle and tilted her head charmingly.
“Yeah, I know.” She spoke. “I hope it’s all good things, though?”
The other woman blushed a little at the implication, “I mean…”
“Hey, I’m kidding.” Siyeon tapped lightly the woman on her upper arm. “Miyeon… can I call you Miyeon?”
“Ah,” Miyeon smiled bashfully. “Yes, please, no need for honorifics.”
“Then please call me Siyeon too.”
“But you’re older than me?” Miyeon said, a little confused. “Shouldn’t I at least call you unnie?”
“If you wish,” Siyeon shrugged, throwing a casual look around the empty bathroom they were in. “I mean, it’s not like this room really screams work space, so don’t worry.”
Siyeon never really planned her… escapades. It always kind of just happened, for better or worse. She wasn’t stupid, she knew when to entertain someone and when not to. And right now she knew that engaging in this conversation is dangerous. They had just finished their interview with Miyeon as their host and she knew, looking back on it, that maybe she threw one too many flirty lines at her during the interview, but… was she aiming for this? No.
She didn’t know if Miyeon purposely came to her in that bathroom, or it was just an accidental bump in, but she surely was not being very subtle in the direction she was trying to push the conversation in. Siyeon wasn’t seeing anybody, she gave up on that after her second epic fail of a relationship. It wasn’t worth the risk, to see someone more than one or two times, not at this point in her life. So she wondered to herself briefly why for the first time in a while it felt so wrong even thinking about doing this.
Miyeon cleared her throat softly, “So…”
“So…” Siyeon trailed off as well, not really meeting Miyeon’s eyes.
A second of a silence passed through, before the younger shifted on her feet and spoke up again, “Okay. I’m gonna go now then.”
Siyeon nodded and finally met the other woman’s eyes. It felt like they were drilling a hole straight into her soul.
“Wait.” Siyeon said suddenly, even though Miyeon had made no attempt to move in the first place.
“Yes?” Miyeon’s eyebrows lifted in surpise.
Siyeon sighed and took her phone out, tapping her screen a few times before extending it to the other singer.
“Can I…?”
Miyeon smiled, eyes shifting between the phone and the older woman’s eyes.
“I was starting to think I misread the situation.” Miyeon chuckled and grabbed the phone.
Siyeon watched with conflicted feelings as the woman typed her number in her phone, before giving it back with a smirk.
“Don’t worry, unnie.” Miyeon’s voice pulled Siyeon’s attention back on her. “I’m not expecting anything from you. I just think we could have some fun.”
“Yeah,” Siyeon nodded, mustering up a confident smile. “Glad I bumped into you here.”
Miyeon smirked, walking out of the bathroom without another word.
Siyeon looked at her phone, the name of the other woman staring back at her, making her feel a bit uneasy.
This has happened a million times at this point, so it was unusual for it to feel this wrong. Siyeon knew, she acted on autopilot getting that number, but she wasn’t going to go any further there.
Pocketing her phone, Siyeon pushed the door of the bathroom, almost colliding with a tall lanky body.
“Ah, unnie, finally!” Yoohyeon exclaimed. “I was looking for you everywhere, we have to go.”
“Okay.” Siyeon said, letting the taller girl link her arm with hers and drag her towards the exit.
Walking in mostly silence down the corridor of the building, Siyeon felt tired after the long day they had. She threw a quick glance at the girl beside her, confirming that she looked just as worn out, probably why she wasn’t talking much.
But just as that thought passed through her mind, Yoohyeon muttered something she couldn’t quite catch.
“Huh?”
“I said you should probably be careful with Miyeon.” She repeated in a low voice, not looking at her friend. “Big company, big group… more eyes looking.”
Siyeon looked at Yoohyeon again. The girl she sadly considers her second heartbreak.
The first heartbreak was one she buried deep, deep down within herself, not acknowledging it, not thinking about, just living everyday through the results of it. She couldn’t bring herself to think about it right now.
Her second one was… Yoohyeon. She knew what happened back then wasn’t right, she knew she should’ve stopped the second she saw the look in the younger’s eyes, but she had been drunk and every decision she had to make in that moment had been ten times harder, her body won over her head and the only way she could describe feeling afterwards was dirty. She felt dirty for enjoying something she definitely shouldn’t have done in the first place, she felt dirty because Yoohyeon wouldn’t even spare her a glance as she sprinted back into her room. She felt disgusted with herself for leading on one of the best people in her life, one of her best friends. Siyeon felt it in the way Yoohyeon touched her, she knew and she was hurting by the fact that she couldn’t give her what Yoohyeon wanted, not while her heart belonged to someone else. Not while she was still suffering the consequences of a heartbreak that never even happened in the first place.
Can a heart break if no one breaks it? Can it shatter by itself? Or is it that you yourself had broken it?
Siyeon would say it’s an illusion, but her hurt was too real.
She regrets not ever really talking to Yoohyeon about the situation, not explaining herself. But can she excuse herself for something inexcusable? Because in her eyes, what she did was exactly that.
Siyeon didn’t know why Yoohyeon decided to just forgive and forget, why she wasn’t mad at her for leading her on or why she didn’t seek an explanation for what was going through Siyeon’s head. But she was thankful in a way, because one ruined friendship was enough and if she managed to fuck another one up, she wouldn’t forgive herself.
“Don’t worry, Yooh.” The main vocalist finally answered, brows furrowing as she looked straight ahead. “I’m not going to do anything.”
“You can do whatever you want.” Yoohyeon returned softly. “Just be careful is what I’m saying.”
Siyeon was grateful for Yoohyeon and how she never once judged her for her actions, even though if there was anyone who had the right to judge her it was her.
***
Siyeon sat in the car she and the older two members share, silently looking out of the window as they waited for their driver.
Bora sat in the seat to her left, eyes closed and head tilted back as she listened to music on her buds. Siyeon threw a quick glance at her, wondering why after everything throughout the years she chose to keep her seat next to Siyeon, Minji always sitting in the passenger seat up front.
“Sing, are you free tonight?” Minji’s voice called her back out of her thoughts. “Handong offered to go to a hot pot place for dinner.”
Siyeon sighed. Food sounded good for sure, but what she needed more than that would be a good night alone if the girls decided to go out.
“I think I’m gonna pass on this one.” Siyeon said tiredly.
Minji caught Siyeon’s gaze through the side mirror and frowned.
“Is everything okay?”
“Yes, don’t worry.” Siyeon knew that despite what she said, Minji would worry regardless. She wasn’t blind after all.
“Is it cause of Bora?” The leader inquired curiously. “Did she say something again?”
Siyeon’s eyes snapped up, checking stealthily if the call of her name had caught the dancer’s attention, relieved to find that she hadn’t moved an inch from her position.
“No.” Siyeon said sternly and looked back at the leader. “I’m just tired, unnie.”
Minji hummed, not wanting to push her friends any further. She really did look beat.
Their driver entered the car before the leader could say anything more and the conversation died down quickly, the girls choosing a quiet drive back to their dorm.
***
That night Siyeon laid in bed, hands gripping her phone as she stared at the text she just received from a girl she once remembers meeting in a bar. She couldn’t be bothered to entertain anyone tonight, not even herself. She tried listening to music, but her head hurt too much and she only got annoyance out of it. She tried playing on her phone, but her attention on it could only last so long. The singer groaned audibly as she threw her phone on the bed next to her, hands flying up to rub at her eyes.
The rest of the girls had surprisingly all agreed to going out for dinner after all and Siyeon got her wish of staying home alone and relaxing. Only nothing felt relaxing, her head felt like it was going to explode, feelings she couldn’t really put a name to suffocating her, even her body felt tired. The situation was laughable really, she could feel herself slipping back into a dark place, same one she had been in years ago and she couldn’t really do much about it. Siyeon wondered what the reason this time around was and the only thing she could come up with was a name.
Bora.
No. The moment the other woman’s name entered Siyeon’s head, she stood up and walked towards the door of her room. She couldn’t let herself think about her right now, there was nothing she could distract herself with so if she let her thoughts go, she would only suffer in the end.
Siyeon walked out into the kitchen and grabbed the first clean cup she could find, filling it up with water and chugging it, praying for the cold water to clean her head up even just a little. She glanced at the clock on the oven, making a note how it was almost 2am and the girls were still out. Guess they decided to go for round two.
After gulping the last of the liquid, Siyeon put the cup down and turned on her heel. Maybe she could try to watch some TV, maybe that could-
“Oh my fu—“ Siyeon almost cursed, startled by the figure standing in the hall looking straight at her.
Bora stood in the hall, hair a little disheveled, swaying almost unnoticeably on her feet as her eyes bore right into Siyeon’s. Siyeon must have been deep into her thoughts to miss the sound of the door unlocking.
“Hey.” Siyeon swallowed drily, despite the water she had just drank.
It was always so awkward whenever the two of them were left alone, she never knew what to say or do. Guess it was the fact that she was aware of Bora’s obvious discontent every time she was near her.
Bora didn’t answer Siyeon’s greeting, only looking away from her as she stumbled trying to kick her shoes off. She was obviously drunk and Siyeon knew better than to stand in the way of drunk Bora.
So without another word the younger woman started heading back to her room just to be surprised by the strong hand grabbing her arm and pushing her so hard back into the wall that the air left her lungs in a huff.
“What—“
“Shut up.” Bora spoke up firmly, voice much clearer than one would expect of her drunk state.
Siyeon’s mouth automatically snapped shut.
The older girl gulped as she looked intensely at Siyeon’s face, almost like searching for something. Her hands were now on Siyeon’s shoulders, keeping her body glued to the wall.
“This is fucking ridiculous.” Bora muttered, eyes focusing on the younger’s lips. “Yubin is wrong.”
Siyeon could feel her heart beat up in her throat at this point, no idea of what the other woman was talking about, she chose to keep quiet. She hadn’t been this close to the other woman in years.
Siyeon’s mouth opened, wanting to understand her friend’s behavior, but before a single word could come out of her mouth, she felt soft lips push against hers harshly. Siyeon’s eyes widened in shock, this being the absolute last thing she expected to happen in that moment. But before she could really think about the what’s and why’s of the situation, the sensation of Bora’s lips disappeared.
Siyeon stared into Bora’s eyes seeing the same amount of shock passing through her look as well.
“What…” the main vocalist managed to push out breathlessly again.
Bora only stared, like a deer caught in the headlights, mouth slightly agape, no sound coming out.
“Unnie—“
“No,” the older interrupted swiftly. “Shut up.”
Bora pushed herself away from the younger woman, hands coming to her face.
Siyeon let out a breath as the dancer put the distance between them. She could hear the other girl mumbling something into her hands, not quite being able to hear what. Siyeon took a tentative step forward and attempted to pull Bora’s arm off her face so she could talk to her, yet the moment she touched her, the dancer exploded.
“She can’t be right, Siyeon!” She exclaimed in obvious frustration. “They can’t be right!”
Siyeon frowned in confusion, other hand coming up to gently hold Bora’s arms away from her face.
“Who can’t be right?” Siyeon prompted. “Yubin?”
“Yubin…” Bora groaned out, eyes closing, she sounded almost on the brink of tears. “Minji… everyone…”
“Hey, it’s okay.” Siyeon tried to deliver as much comfort as she could through her voice, hands falling to her sides as Bora pulled away harshly, fingers burrowing into her hair this time.
“Nothing’s okay.” Bora hissed out. “This can’t be happening, I can’t- we can’t…”
Siyeon, now profoundly confused, tried another step towards the dancer, but was stopped by rough hands on her shoulders again.
Siyeon let herself be handled back to the wall, this time softer on impact. Surprises didn’t end for Siyeon tonight apparently as she felt arms circling her neck and a head landing on her shoulder. Bora was hugging her.
The main vocal chose to not say anything, worried that even smallest sound from her right now would cause the woman in her arms to explode again. She looked distressed enough as it is. Silently, the short haired woman brought her arms up to gently place them on Bora’s upper back, standing stiffly, not letting herself get immersed in the sensation of the other woman. If she was being honest with herself, she most definitely missed the physical contact between them. It used to be so easy, so carefree between them, no weight hidden behind the light hand holding or the heads laid comfortably on the other’s shoulder. But she had to go and ruin that, didn’t she?
Siyeon let out a trembling breath as the same feeling of guilt and regret that has been following her for years now came to the forefront once again. Her fingers tensed, but she didn’t let them dig into the back of the other. Her eyes squeezed tightly shut, she mentally counted the seconds passing in this strange hug to distract her mind.
And it was exactly at the 53rd second that Bora chose to break the little moment, as she let go of Siyeon, she kept her gaze trained down, arms falling at her sides, little almost unnoticeable sniffles catching Siyeon’s attention.
“We have to talk.” Bora said clearly, not looking up.
Siyeon didn’t answer immediately, racking through her mind trying to figure out why the older was suddenly acting the way she was, saying thing that didn’t quite make sense to her. But despite her clearly drunk state earlier, she looked and sounded very aware of what she was saying and doing. Siyeon didn’t know if she should be happy about that or not, head still a little hazy because of everything that just transpired in the past 5 minutes.
“About?” The younger straightened up.
Glossy brown eyes finally met Siyeon’s almost black ones.
“I just kissed you.” She blinked. “And you don’t have any questions?”
Siyeon would love nothing more than to know exactly why she did what she did, but she also felt afraid of what the answer might be, so in her head not knowing was better.
The sound of laughter outside of the front door caught Siyeon’s attention, the beeping of the code being punched in following shortly after. Gaze snapping back to the woman in front of her, she saw disappointment pass briefly through her face.
“Night.” Bora muttered as she walked straight to her room, closing the door loudly behind her.
Siyeon leaned still against the wall, as the rest of her members pooled in the small entrance hall, taking their shoes and coats off in between stumbles and tipsy laughter. It was unsurprisingly Yubin the first that noticed the vocalist standing weirdly there, considering she was the only sober one in the drunk clique of her members. The rapper gripped Gahyeon’s shoulder as she leaned on her to pull on her shoe with a frown, struggling with the item. Yubin called Siyeon’s name, a little confused.
“You good?” Yubin asked. “You seem out of it.”
Minji looked up at those words, catching Siyeon shake her head.
“Is Bora here?” The leader threw a suspicious look around the empty living room as she stepped further in the dorm, eyes sobering up a little. “She left early.”
“In her room.” Siyeon nodded towards the room in question and pushed herself off the wall. “You guys had fun?”
“Hell yeah!” Handong skipped in the living room. “You missed the absolute best hot pot ever, unnie, you have no idea and then the bar Jiu unnie chose was actually quite the place.”
The Chinese stumbled close to Siyeon and exaggeratedly whispered close to her ear, “They had flaming shots.”
The drunk woman stepped back and lifted her arms in the air with an excited expression. “We had like 10 and Gahyeon’s hair almost caught on fire!”
“Yeah, that was actually scary.” Yubin added as she held the girl in question up by the waist, the youngest clearly already half asleep in the rapper’s arms.
“What was scarier was Dongie trying to throw another shot to put it out.” Minji laughed.
“That was obviously an—“ a hiccup interrupted the foreign singer, “-accident.”
“Yeah, obviously.” Minji patted the younger on the shoulder with another heartfelt laugh. “Go sleep those shots off now.”
“Good idea,” Handong slurred and headed straight to her room without another word.
Yoohyeon, who had silently entered last in the apartment and was now sitting on the couch finally spoke up.
“I can’t move from this couch.” She groaned to no one in particular.
Yubin just shuffled across the hall with Gahyeon’s weight half on top of her trailing in the direction of Handong and Gahyeon’s room, “I’m taking this one to bed.”
Minji nodded to Yubin and walked over to Yoohyeon with a grin. “You want me to carry you to bed too?”
Siyeon hadn’t really moved from her spot, for some reason. She wanted to go to her room, but she felt too out of it to really move. So she stood there as she listened to her friends tell her about how the night went, not really being able to register everything, but still happy to hear that they had a good time.
“Please,” Yoohyeon scoffed mockingly. “You couldn’t even if you wanted to.”
Minji pouted and plopped down next to the younger. “I’ll ask Siyeon then, she can.”
Something shined in Yoohyeon’s eyes for a second. The corners of her mouth lifted up, but her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“She wishes.” Yoohyeon said and laid back on the couch more comfortably. “Maybe I’ll stay here tonight. I don’t know if I can deal with drunk Bora tonight.”
Minji slapped Yooh’s arm lightly.
“She’s probably asleep, you’ll break your back on this couch.”
Siyeon wondered if Bora really was asleep. Would she have the same problem of falling asleep like herself or would she nod off as soon she hits the bed? Siyeon wasn’t sure how the other woman processed what had happened that night.
After very brief persuasion from the oldest, Yoohyeon agreed to sleep in her own bed after all and both of them stood up to go into their separate rooms, Siyeon following after Minji.
The short haired woman was thankful that Minji made no attempt to question her about her night or anything like that, only exchanging a quick good night as they finally shut the lights off for the night.
***
Siyeon was correct in her presumption that she would have a hard time falling asleep. Most of her night was spent tossing and turning in her bed right until the sun started creeping through their black out curtains. That’s why right now, as she sat on the floor of the practice room, a little out of breath and barely able to keep her eyes open, she regretted not just taking a pill for her sleep.
The rest of the girls were spread around the room, some talking with their dancers, some on their phone and Bora staring directly at her.
The older girl was sat on one of the chairs next to the wall, right behind the main vocalist, looking at her through the reflection on the full length mirror. They hadn’t exchanged a single word after yesterday’s… situation. But that wasn’t surprising, Siyeon expected nothing less of Bora. The dancer was right, when she said they should talk, but would they? Siyeon has become a master of not talking about her feelings and Bora was very good at avoiding them, so the two of them sitting down and talking it out would be quite the unexpected turn of events. At least in Siyeon’s head.
She avoided the laser focus of Bora’s gaze, the intensity of it unnerving her a bit. She decided a bathroom break was needed, the feeling of cold water on her face right now would be very much appreciated.
She stood up and walked out of the practice room, not really paying attention on the way, she autopiloted her way the bathroom and only when she didn’t hear the door close behind her did she frown and turn around, surprised to find Bora staring right back at her again.
The dancer held the door for a second before stepping inside and closing it softly behind herself.
Siyeon just waited for the other woman to break the silence.
“Um,” Bora cleared her throat. “Can you stay after practice?”
Siyeon inhaled, she felt nervous at the unexpected question. For once though, the older wasn’t approaching her with any malice, in fact she looked almost as nervous as Siyeon felt. That was quite the unusual sight.
Siyeon couldn’t really bring herself to speak in fear of her voice trembling from her nerves, so she opted for nodding her head.
“Okay,” Bora exhaled, in what looked like relief. “Vocal room 2, okay? I’ll wait for you there.”
She didn’t wait for a confirmation for the last part and turned on her heel quickly and exiting the bathroom hastily.
Siyeon stood rooted to the spot, wondering what Bora had to say to her that she looked so nervous.
The rest of their practice passed rather smoothly considering at least 4 out of 7 girls were sporting a hangover and the rest were running on little to no sleep. After their choreographer clapped their hands and announced the end for today’s practice, all the girls sighed in relief.
“I’m off to bed for the rest of the day.” Gahyeon groaned out as she put her baseball hat on her head and started dragging her feet towards the exit.
“Ditto.” Handong said, voice a little hoarse, hand adjusting a pair of dark sunglasses on her face before following tiredly behind the maknae.
“Is everyone going home? We can ask manager oppa to drop us off.” Minji offered to the rest of the girls still in the room, gathering their things.
“I’ll stick around for a second.” Siyeon said, pulling a hoodie over her head.
“Yeah, I’ll also stay. I want to practice more.” Bora spoke up from the other side of the room.
Minji lifted a brow and looked between the two women, both of them not looking at her.
“Okay…” She chose to not interfere with whatever was going on there. “Yooh, Dami?”
“Yeah, I could take a nap right now.” Yoohyeon said, throwing a backpack over her shoulder and waiting for the rapper to follow suit.
“I’m off to my studio, but I’ll be back later.” Yubin said.
After everyone had left and only Bora, Siyeon and some of their back up dancers remained in the room, the main vocalist could see Bora head towards the exit, not sparing a glance in her direction. Siyeon sighed, she guessed this was her queue.
Walking up the stairs towards their vocal practice room, Siyeon’s head went through all possible scenarios of how this encounter could go. She only prayed that Bora wasn’t about to go off on her again like she has on multiple occasions already.
Opening the door to the room, the short haired woman saw Bora leaning back on the small table in the corner of the otherwise empty room save for also a chair. She walked in and closed the door, staying a good few feet away from the other woman.
Bora threw her an unreadable look and pushed off the table.
“I hate this,” she said firmly. “But we’ve reached a point where it’ll be better for both of us if we just talk about the elephant in the room.”
“The elephant…” Siyeon trailed off and then hummed.
Of course she knew there was an elephant. She just wasn’t sure if she’d ever be able to talk about it, without crossing boundaries she knows she absolutely shouldn’t cross. Not that she wasn’t a pro at crossing boundaries at this point, Yoohyeon’s face flashing briefly in her mind.
“Yes.” The main dancer confirmed.
Siyeon watched as uncertainty passed through the older’s face, determination settling in her eyes at last.
“I’ll be straight up. Yubin was right.” Bora clenched her jaw, hands crossing in front of her chest. “I do look at you differently. I don’t know why, I don’t know since when and I don’t know how, but I know I do.”
Siyeon was prepared for this. In fact this is exactly what she expected: the older girl being upfront about her disgust of her lifestyle. It wasn’t like Siyeon didn’t know or see, because she did. The looks she received from the other every time she interacted with another female outside of work, even during, she saw them all. There wasn’t much she could do about those. It was better to deal with those than deal with her feelings…
Ah, there it was again. Siyeon’s first heartbreak - her best friend, her coworker… Bora.
She didn’t want to let it get to her, but the verbal confirmation from Bora hurt.
“I know.” Siyeon’s face fell.
The dancer frowned, “You do?”
“I’m not blind.” Siyeon almost whispered. “I’ve seen your look. I can’t say it doesn’t hurt to see you so disgusted with me, though. I get that you hate me, I just wish that we could handle this with more professionalism and not let it affect the rest of the girls.”
Bora’s frown only deepened.
“Hate you?”
“I mean… don’t you?” Siyeon pushed a little.
Her memories flew years back in time. She remembered that faithful night, where all the girls had gathered in the living room discussing their childhood crushes, the conversation flowing lightly and somehow ending up with the question of “how would you react if a friend had a crush on you right now?”. It was directed at Bora by Minji, who was chewing on a pocky snack slowly, waiting curiously for the answer.
“Ack! No I can’t do that.” Bora grimaced. “Wouldn’t that be so weird?”
“Why would it be? Isn’t that a common thing?” Minji looked around the room for other opinions.
“Yeah, but like… I’m straight.” Bora said, looking down at the floor.
Siyeon, who was silently listening to the conversation, suddenly sat up, eyes widening in shock. What was Bora saying?
“Oh, I mean, I never specified it has to be a female friend.” Minji said taken aback.
Siyeon could feel her heart hammering in her chest. Why… why was Bora saying this?
Not even a week earlier, Siyeon had approached Bora with a heavy heart, opening up to her about how she liked girls. But she never told her about her crush on her. Did she? Or was she this obvious and Bora figured it out the moment she came out to her. When she first told her, Bora had reacted as best as any friend could, with a hug and calming words of affirmation. But now…?
“Ah,” Bora felt the blood suddenly rush to her cheeks. “I mean, still, I don’t think I can do it. At the very least me having a relationship could jeopardize the group.”
Siyeon looked at the older girl, the feeling of betrayal overwhelming her all of a sudden. She didn’t know why she felt the way she did at those words. It wasn’t like they were directed at her. But one thing clicked for sure in Siyeon’s head, if she ever thought about confessing to her member before, she sure as hell knew now that that was never going to happen now.
Over the course of the next few days, Bora avoided Siyeon for a reason the younger couldn’t name. The feeling of betrayal didn’t stop as well. In fact it only amplified the more Siyeon thought back on that conversation. She knew that wasn’t the case, but to Siyeon this felt like she got exposed, from the last person she expected too. Siyeon struggled to find a comfortable way to communicate with Bora after that, considering her only rapidly growing feelings for the other woman and the internal conflict of “does she hate me?”.
At the end of the day, Siyeon’s mind won over her heart. She gathered all of her unrequited feelings and locked them up deep within herself, knowing very well that the chances of them ever going away were slim to none. So the only way she could deal with them was absolutely ignore them. The frustration that grew within her at the entire situation pushed Siyeon out of her comfort zone, she agreed to a drink with a friend when she would usually decline and she would entertain advances that she would usually reject. She felt stupid for thinking Bora could ever return her feeling in the first place, she felt betrayed by the tone in Bora’s voice as she spoke about the potential of a friend liking her and she felt confused by the older’s actions the days following that. She hated the fact that this affected her as much as it did, she hated the fact that she loved Bora despite the entire situation. She let herself find the comfort she wanted from Bora in other random people. People who were only there for reassurance for Siyeon that she wasn’t in fact weird. Sleeping around was the result of what an ego boost did to her. Hey, if Bora thought she was weird, she was going to find 10 other people who could prove her otherwise.
And despite everything, to this day hated that she still loved the older woman just the same as she did when she was 18.
“I don’t hate you.” Bora shook her head a little. “I- that’s not what I meant when I said I—“
Siyeon’s eyes still held distrust, clearly not believing the other’s words.
Closing her eyes, Bora exhaled hard. “I look at you differently because… because I like you.”
Siyeon was speechless.
Bora let a few moments pass before opening her mouth again.
“Aren’t you going to say something?”
Siyeon’s eyes squeezed shut.
“…you like me?” Siyeon whispered. “Like… like me?”
“Like more than a friend.” Bora explained shortly. “Yes, I think that’s… that’s the case.”
“You like me?” Siyeon repeated in disbelief.
Bora huffed out a humorless chuckle, “Is that so hard to believe?”
“Yeah, actually it is.” The younger woman shot back, eye narrowing. “What about everything you’ve said to me throughout the last few years? Me being a slut? Me putting the group at risk? Ruining my image? What was that about?”
Bora winced. Of course, they had to address that.
“I guess… I… It’s complicated.” Bora settled on.
“You like me.” Siyeon repeated slowly. “Are all the insults you’ve thrown at me throughout the years out of love or something?”
“No, that’s… I’m really sorry about that, Siyeon.” Bora struggled. “Listen, this is much harder than it looks. I, myself, haven’t really come to terms with what’s going on right now, but… I realized that I couldn’t keep acting the way I was. It was affecting everyone around us… me included.”
Siyeon didn’t know what to respond to that.
“It was getting increasingly harder to stay mad at you for doing your thing when I realized you weren’t really doing anything wrong.” Bora sighed. “Don’t get me wrong, I still think it’s not worth risking the group’s future, but… it’s your life.”
“Why are you telling me all of this?” Siyeon curtly asked.
“I suck at this, alright?” Bora’s hands fell down to her sides. “Minji and Yubin cornered me last night, told me to get my shit together. Hey, I guess everyone knew how I felt except me.”
“And me.”
“And you…” Bora hummed. “It’s honestly kinda funny… you didn’t see it, I didn’t see it… everyone else did, though.”
“I saw your hatred.”
“I never hated you, Sing.” Bora corrected with a low laugh. “I guess it was just hard… figuring out why I felt the way I felt.”
Siyeon couldn’t really grasp what she was hearing in that moment, the use of her nickname by her friend making her head spin a bit. Bora… liked her? That had to be a dream of some sorts. Bora would never say that. She thought it was weird, didn’t she? Those were her exact words, were they not?
“And how did you feel?” Siyeon let the tiniest bit of hope sound in her voice as she carefully asked the question.
“Mostly angry. For reasons I couldn’t really place.” Bora looked down at her shoes, shuffling a little in her spot. “Took like 3 people to flat out tell me and even then I chose to ignore it.”
“Last night…” Siyeon let the question hang in the air unfinished.
“Last night was the confirmation I was so afraid of getting.” Bora quietly said. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask before I kissed you, by the way, but it was gonna go into a whole other conversation and I just… needed to know.”
Siyeon stood frozen, not knowing what to do or say at this point, unsure of what the next step in a situation like this would be. The girl she had been in love with since she was 18 was confessing her feelings for her and all she could do was stare at her. She was supposed to be over the moon, she was supposed to be happy.
“…so what now?” Siyeon whispered with a trembling voice.
“Nothing.” Bora caught Siyeon’s unsure gaze. “I don’t expect anything from you. I don’t expect you to reciprocate… not after everything I’ve done.”
“And what if I do?” The main vocal swallowed thickly, trying to keep her voice from wavering too much.
Bora’s eyes shot wide open, unhidden shock passing through her expression. Her mouth opened and closed with no sounds coming out, her eyes frantically searching for Siyeon’s gaze as if looking for a confirmation.
“I’ve been in love with you since we were 18.” Siyeon whispered.
Bora’s face froze and after a moment her face fell, as if a brief realization passed through her.
“I was going to tell you back then. I was looking for the right time. But then you said that that would be ‘weird’. I can still see the look on your face as you said it, you looked disgusted.” Siyeon recalled. “Those were your words. Just after I came out to you…”
“Oh, Siyeon...” Bora squeezed her eyes shut. “That wasn’t… I never meant for it to sound that way, I realized back then, I saw your face. I just didn’t know how to react, the other girls didn’t know, I couldn’t just outward address you.”
“And after?”
“After I just… I don’t know, I felt guilty, I thought it would be best to just let it blow over and pretend it didn’t happen.”
“Yeah, cause why would you apologize, right?” Siyeon sarcastically added.
“Si—“
“No, stop.” Siyeon’s hand shot up to rub the back of her neck in frustration as she started slowly pacing the room. “Do you know how much that stupid fucking statement affected me?” Bora opened her mouth to respond but quickly shut it again as Siyeon continued speaking without looking at her.
“Everything I felt, every girl I looked at, every touch I shared with you and the rest of the girl, every time I had your voice echoing in my head how weird it was, how weird I was.” Her eyes narrowed as she suddenly stopped her pacing and headed straight for the other woman, stopping a mere inch in front of her. “The first night I didn’t come home, when you and Jiu stayed up and waited for me, I was out with an acquaintance and she definitely made sure that I didn’t feel weird that night. I felt safer with her than I did with you in that moment, unnie. All I ever really wanted was to feel normal, unnie. It’s honestly funny when you think about it.” Siyeon let out a sardonic laugh, eyes unmoving from Bora’s. “That you were so fucking angry at me for doing what I did, when it was you who was the reason for all of it.”
“Siyeon, I—“
“And now you come to me, years later, telling me how you love me as if… as if I’m supposed to drop everything and crawl back to you.” Siyeon frantically looked around in apparent disbelief, years of repressed anger coming up to the surface. “You kept telling me over the years how my relationships put the group in danger, so what do you suppose we do now, huh?”
“Siye—“
“Get together? Because being in a relationship inside the group is certainly much safer, I bet—“
“Siyeon!”
“I can’t do that, Bora!”
Bora grabbed Siyeon’s face harshly successfully interrupting the angry rant, making her look at her, keeping the eye contact with the angry woman for just a moment before colliding their lips. An almost unnoticeable gasp left the taller’s lips at the unexpected contact. But her body was currently running on autopilot, fueled purely by the frustration running through her veins, taking over her entire being. Her hands roughly grabbed Bora’s waist, surprising the older woman as she pushed her back against the table in the corner. Bora’s hands left Siyeon’s face, flying behind her to steady herself at the sudden collision. Siyeon’s head tilted, mouth opening in a desperate attempt at deepening the kiss, feeling the older woman in her hands melt into her hold, allowing the access. Bora thought for a second if this was the right thing to do, but God, it felt too good to stop it right now.
Siyeon pushed forward even more guiding Bora up on the table, the older bringing her hands up to Siyeon’s shoulders, holding her with a firm grasp. Their kisses only increased in intensity, little high pitched breaths now the only thing that could be heard in the small room.
Siyeon’s hands started slowly wandering down the dancer’s thighs, fingers flexing in self-restraint as she felt Bora’s small hands threading through the short hair on the back of her neck. Siyeon couldn’t think right now, even if she wanted to, completely overwhelmed of everything that was Bora. Her smell, the feel of her body twitching lightly under her touch… her sounds.
“Oh my god!” A shrill voice pulled Siyeon abruptly from her haze, making her whip her head sharply at the door.
There stood a frozen Yoohyeon, color completely drained from her face. Siyeon stood speechless, breath still labored, brain not being able to catch up fast enough with the situation. Yoohyeon avoided both of the women’s eyes and just gazed between them for what was probably the most awkward 5 seconds of Siyeon’s life. Siyeon could see the broken expression on the younger, though. Heart aching at the realization that she was the cause of it.
“I’m so sorry.” Yoohyeon finally spoke, voice trembling a little. From the shock of the sight or something else Siyeon didn’t know. “I was just looking for my phone, I’m so… sorry. I didn’t see anything.”
With that Yoohyeon turned on her heel and exited the room.
Siyeon took a second to breathe, before turning to look at the woman in her arms again, seeing the flushed cheeks and downcast gaze. Bora’s hands rested on her shoulders again, her own stilling on her thighs. They were still so close, she could just…
No, she couldn’t. Siyeon straightened up and slowly let go of the older woman, taking a shaky step back, head clearing a bit after her slip up.
“We shouldn’t have done that.” Siyeon whispered. “I’m sorry.”
“Yeah, no, this was definitely a mistake.” Bora nodded frantically, eyes still avoiding Siyeon’s.
The dancer jumped off the table in a hurry, running shaky hands through her hair as she walked past Siyeon, who stood frozen in her place, fingers fidgeting with the ends of the sleeves of her hoodie.
“For what it’s worth, Siyeon, I meant everything I said earlier.” Bora stopped at the door.
When no answer came, Bora quietly opened the door and exited the room.
Siyeon’s eyes glossed over quickly when she realized she was alone now. What has she done?
***
Siyeon avoided her group members like the plague for the next week. Only ever showing her face when they had to practice and pretty much locking herself up in her room, not even letting Minji pull her curtain open to ask about what’s wrong.
Siyeon wished she could say she regrets what happened in that room, but she knew that would be a lie. Being this close to Bora, up until a week ago she could only dream about it. But her heart ached at the memory of it all…
Yoohyeon. Why did she have to be there? Why did she have to see that? Wasn’t it enough for Siyeon to break her heart once, now she had done it twice…
Just for that Siyeon regretted ever reciprocating that kiss, because if she could spare the broken look in Yooh’s eyes, despite her own pleasure, she would do it in a flash. She never meant to hurt anyone, it’s the absolute last thing she wanted. Sadly, she knew that train has already unfortunately passed. It wasn’t just Yoohyeon, it wasn’t just Bora, it was also the women who made the mistake of falling for her after a night. Siyeon couldn’t help, but think how despite everything the only thing she was good was hurting others.
Siyeon heard the door to her room open and close carefully, the sound of bare feet getting closer to her bed clear as day.
“Singnie?” Minji whispered softly, as if checking if the younger was asleep.
Siyeon hummed in response, not bothering to open the curtain on her bed.
“You should come out for dinner at least.” The leader gently urged.
“I’m fine, unnie, don’t worry.” These words have left her mouth so many times at this point, she knew her friend didn’t believe them anymore.
“Please, Singnie…” She heard Minji sigh.
Siyeon made no attempt to respond to the plea and listened as the leader let out a defeated breath and walked out of the room again.
Just when she decided to close her eyes and bury her face in her pillow again, the creak of the door sounded again. The footsteps got close again ending with the clinking of cutlery on her nightstand. Siyeon sighed internally, she appreciated the thought, but she truly couldn’t stomach anything right now. Brows furrowed when she didn’t hear retreating footsteps, wondering why Jiu was hesitating now.
“Unnie…”
Oh. That voice definitely wasn’t Jiu’s.
“Can- can we talk?”
Siyeon knew she couldn’t say no, she owed her at least that. She carefully turned around in her bed and pulled the curtain, squinting at the light entering her dark, secluded space.
Yoohyeon stood timidly in front of her, hands fidgeting in front of her.
Siyeon sat up in the bed, giving herself a second to get used to the light, before pulling the curtain entirely away and patting the space next to her on the bed.
Yoohyeon caught the hint and tentatively sat down next to the older woman, shoulders almost touching.
“I-I just…” The taller girl stammered. “I just wanted to tell you that you don’t have to worry.”
Siyeon looked at her friend with a frown, not understanding what she was saying.
“I haven’t told anyone about you and Bora unnie.” Yoohyeon said. “A-and I’m not going to. It’s not my place… I should’ve knocked, anyway. So you don’t have to worry about that. You don’t have to avoid us anymore…” She finished with a whisper.
The pang Siyeon felt in her heart was painful. Yoohyeon was blaming herself for Siyeon’s behavior.
“No, Yooh, this isn’t why I’ve been… like this.” Siyeon hurried to clear up. “I mean, it is, but not- it’s not because of you. It’s because of me.”
Yooh looked up with a confused expression, her puppy eyes now more prominent than ever.
“I hurt you…” Siyeon explained, looking away. “Twice now.”
The younger singer didn’t say anything at first, letting the statement hang in the air for a moment.
“You didn’t hurt me.” Yoohyeon murmured. “I’m sad, but that’s not because of you. I can’t blame my own feelings on you.”
“I don’t blame your feelings, I blame my inability to handle them with care.” Siyeon returned, a bit of frustration seeping into her voice.
“It’s not up to you, unnie.” Yoohyeon said sternly, surprising Siyeon. “I’m not a little girl, I can take care of myself and my heart. I’ve come to terms with the fact that nothing can happen between us, that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. But I don’t need you to take care of me, I just need you to be my friend again.”
Siyeon choked up at the words. How didn’t she realize until now? How did she miss it? Yoohyeon was struggling, not because of her inability to reciprocate her feelings, but because of the loss she suffered as a result. Siyeon thought emotional distancing was the appropriate response, but she didn’t see how that affected Yoohyeon. She hurt her again.
“I led you on…” Siyeon weakly tried again.
“You didn’t.” Yoohyeon disagreed quickly. “I knew what I was getting myself into.”
Siyeon sighed, “I’m still sorry you had to see that.”
“Yeah, so am I.” Yoohyeon muttered. “But my feelings are not your responsibility.”
“Okay.” Siyeon whispered.
“Okay.” The other woman repeated. Taking a deep breath and exhaling it slowly, she let her head fall on Siyeon’s shoulder.
“I’m sad.” Yoohyeon started lowly. “It’s my mind telling me that I’m not enough. But I’m not stupid and I know that’s not how this works. So just let me live through the hurt. I’ll be fine.”
Siyeon rested her cheek against the top of the younger’s head. Yoohyeon was much stronger than her, that was for sure.
“I don’t want to stand in the way of your happiness, unnie. And I have a feeling that that’s Bora unnie.”
Siyeon’s eyes started to burn at those words.
“I don’t know anymore.” Siyeon said quietly.
The older singer felt something wet hit the hand in her lap, eyes immediately snapping to Yoohyeon’s face to see her silently crying on her shoulder, expression steeled, only the trail of tears giving her away.
Siyeon wanted to honor Yoohyeon’s words, it’s the least she could do for her. And she was right, she was a big girl. So she remained silent, relaxing her face back on Yooh’s head gently, letting the girl go through her emotions on her own.
***
After the moment the two shared in Siyeon’s bed that night, things have been slowly getting a bit better for Siyeon. She came out of her hiding following Yoohyeon’s insistent urges. She slowly got back into the rhythm of everyday life, with work and practice being the focus. She tried to push Bora out of her mind as much as she can. After their conversation in the vocal room, the dancer has been quiet. She didn’t go out of her way to seek Siyeon’s attention, but she did try interacting with her more in group settings. Sometimes she would catch the older staring at her through the reflection of the mirror, but she would avert her gaze as soon as their eyes met.
She knew Bora wanted to say something to her, but she didn’t know if having that conversation was a good idea. She also had no idea what to tell her in the first place. Her feelings had not changed, but she was conflicted. Her mind battled her heart in what the right path to take was. Her mind told her it was too dangerous to let herself be and go to Bora, her heart screaming that this is exactly what she wanted right back.
After another grueling practice session, filled with stolen glances from both of them, Siyeon just had to take a walk to clear her head. After bidding everyone goodbye on her way out of the company, she slung her backpack over shoulder and started walking down the street. Head deep in thoughts, as music blasted in her ears through her earbuds.
Just when she was getting carried away in her mind, a hand on her shoulder violently brought her back to reality. Startled out of her daydream, Siyeon turned to the side to see Bora sheepishly standing next to her.
“Can I walk with you?” The dancer asked lightly.
Siyeon was still frozen at the unexpected company, but nodded nonetheless.
“You don’t have to do that.” Bora pointed as they started walking again, observing as Siyeon took her earbuds out and put them back in their case. “We can just walk in silence.”
Siyeon looked ahead after pocketing the case, “We can still walk in silence.”
Bora eyed her quickly, before training her gaze straight ahead as well. The next close to 10 minutes passed in absolute silence, the girls walking the all too familiar path back to their home with relaxed steps. Siyeon could feel the older girl throw glances at her when she thought she couldn’t see, but she caught all of them. She was all too aware of the presence of the woman next to her. At the 11th stolen look, Siyeon decided that was enough.
“If you have something to say to me, just say it.”
Bora bit her lip lightly at being caught, training her attention on the road ahead.
“I’m just wondering.” Bora started carefully. “You haven’t talked to me ever since what happened in the vocal room.”
Siyeon clenched her jaw at the reminder.
“Yeah.” She acknowledged.
“Is it because of Yoohyeon?” Bora pushed.
Siyeon felt heat travel up her neck, “What do you mean?”
“If you’re worried about her telling, she won’t. She came to me and we talked it out.” The dancer tried to assure.
Siyeon cast a quick look at her, before looking back straight.
“I’m not worried about Yooh.”
“Then?”
Siyeon stopped in her tracks abruptly and turned to the dancer, who followed with a confused look.
“What do you suppose I do? Confess my undying love for you? And what… we start dating?” Siyeon scowled.
“So what, we’re just supposed to pretend nothing happened? That there’s nothing there?” Bora returned with the same energy.
“You’ve been doing that just fine until now.” Siyeon pointed.
“That’s not fair.” Bora narrowed her eyes.
“I don’t know what you want me to do, Bora.” Siyeon sighed in defeat. “I love you. I have for a very long fucking time, I never even imagined you could ever return my feelings and now you have and I don’t know what to do with that. You’ve accused me times and times again of not thinking about the group and now that I do, I’m the bad guy.”
Bora’s face fell, the anger from a minute earlier disappearing.
“I love you too.” The dancer said, sadness evident in her voice.
Siyeon’s heart jumped at the words, her gaze faltering. God, she has waited years to hear those words, with that exact meaning.
“I don’t know what I expected…” Bora cleared the lump in her throat threatening to choke her up. “I guess… I hoped you’d fight for this like you had fought for all your other relationships.”
“It’s different.” Siyeon whispered, eyes starting to burn with the effort of keeping her emotions at bay. “We’re coworkers… I don’t care about what happens to the other people I’ve been with or to me, but I care about what happens to you. You may not realize it right now, but I know how important this career is for you. Me too, but especially you. I can’t let you jeopardize that for yourself because of me. And I can’t let you blame yourself for the others if it all comes crashing down.”
“Isn’t that my choice to make?” Bora struggled to get out, voice cracking a bit.
“I want to be with you.” Siyeon said firmly. “I’ve wanted that for so long, you have no idea. But I don’t think now is the right time.”
Bora nodded solemnly, letting her head fall, shielding her eyes from Siyeon.
“When?”
“I don’t know…” Siyeon trailed off, unsure. “After we disband maybe?” She offered hopefully. “When we can be us without worrying about dragging other people down.”
Siyeon couldn’t see the other’s eyes very well, but she could hear small sniffles.
“I don’t want us to disband.” Bora weakly said, causing Siyeon to let out a genuine chuckle.
“Yeah.” Siyeon brushed the stray tear that had escaped her eye away swiftly and smiled at the older woman lifting her head to meet her gaze. “Neither do I.”
Bora managed to return the smile through the tears threatening to fall, inhaling shakily and trying to get a hold of her emotions, Siyeon observing her patiently as she tried to do the same.
When she deemed Bora calm enough, she wordlessly offered her hand to her, watching as the dancer thread her fingers through hers softly, squeezing her hand. Siyeon returned the gesture with a meaningful smile and turned, slowly starting to walk again, Bora letting herself be guided by Siyeon’s reassuring hold on the way to their home again.