Chapter Text
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2015
In one particular summer, Jihoon and Hanjin had gone back to their hometowns while Kyungmin and his family went to visit their relatives on another side of the country. This left only Junghwan, Dohoon, and Youngjae to spend most of the summertime.
That whole week, Dohoon had a mischievous glint in his eyes. He kept telling Junghwan ans Youngjae about his surprise that weekend when his whole family would be out of town. His parents had to visit some sick relative somewhere and they were bringing his little sister. Meanwhile, his older brother was staying at some smart kid camp in the city. At first, his parents were hesitant with leaving him alone and insisted they come with them to visit the sick relative. Dohoon, however, insisted that he will be fine.
It's only for one night! I won't die—I'll just go sleep over at Junghwan's!
Was what Dohoon said to his parents.
What he, did, however, say to his friends was:
Let's go sleepover at our house on the weekend! I'm scared to sleep at home alone.
What Junghwan and Youngjae arrived at was Dohoon, a little too excited, with that mischievous glint on his eyes that only appeared whenever he had some silly and risky plan to drag them into.
“What are you up to?” Youngjae deadpanned.
“Yeah, you look weird. Why are you looking weird—why are you looking at me weird?” Junghwan added.
To which Dohoon simply laughed a little too loudly.
“What? I'm just smiling—can't a boy be happy to be with his friends?” Dohoon said.
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2025
Sometimes it crosses Dohoon's mind to fall so ill that he'd have no choice but to take a leave at work. Then, he could truly rest and take some time off. He would die for an opportunity to be bedridden for 2 weeks, to just do nothing and think nothing.
He's definitely played it out in his head more times than he would admit.
A fall from the second floor of the apartment complex wouldn't be fatal but would surely injure him enough to be able to take a leave without feeling guilty.
As he's leaning back against the kitchen counter, cradling a cup of tea in his palms, he stares at his apartment's sliding window. His feet remain planted on the ground but in his head, he already jumped off.
Feeling his chest grow heavier and his grip on the cup tighter, he finishes the tea in one go and decides to go outside for a walk. He puts his phone and wallet in his jacket's pockets and spares the window one glance before he locks the door behind him.
The cool air hits his face as he leaves the apartment complex.
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2015
Dohoon walks to his bed where under the sheets, a bottle of liquor was buried. He picks it up, showing his two friends what he had successfully stolen from his parents’ cupboards.
“Where’d you even get that?”
“Are we even allowed…?”
To which Dohoon snorts.
“Of course not, you idiot! That’s why we’re drinking it in secret!”
Despite the hesitance and fear the act had triggered in them, the adolescent curiosity and rebellious streak had won over them. They gathered on the floor with some snacks, shot glasses from Dohoon’s dad’s collection, and the courage and boldness of naive teenagers who have never once drunk before.
Halfway into the bottle, Junghwan is knocked out, slumped against the edge of Dohoon’s bed. Meanwhile, Dohoon clung desperately to Youngjae, cheeks flushed, gushing about how much he loves Youngjae. The younger, tired and sweaty over the smothering, pushes Dohoon off with barely stable limbs.
“Ugh, it’s so hot, please leave me alone…” Youngjae slurs as he gets Dohoon off. To which Dohoon obliges without complaint as he locks onto his next target.
Dohoon stands up, stable for a split second until the floor sways under his feet, the world tilting against his will. His legs wobble a bit as he reaches out to Junghwan. Clumsily, he trips on a charger adapter laying on his floor, causing his knees to fully buckle out and his legs to lose their ability to sustain him.
Dohoon is spared from the cold floor as he falls on top of Junghwan instead. He supports himself on Junghwan’s chest, his hands grabbing on the older’s wide shoulders. This brings the shitfaced Junghwan to stir, fluttering his eyes open. Dohoon slowly looks up and his breath catches when he is met with Junghwan’s drunk-dazed eyes. As if he couldn’t get any more flushed, he feels his face growing hotter, despite his cheek already feeling numb from the alcohol.
The next moments were a blur, but Dohoon found himself pulled towards Junghwan as if he was in a free fall and Junghwan was the gravity in the center of the earth. At some point, their lips had touched–unmoving, but touching. The contact was enough to completely paralyze Dohoon.
And he would have remembered that night had he not blacked out at that exact moment.
Junghwan wasn’t sure who pulled who into the kiss–if that can even be considered a kiss. All he knew is that his head felt heavy, his eyelids closed, and he fell onto the cushion of Dohoon’s bed. The next thing he knew after that was he was awakened by someone’s familiar warmth. He remembered being greeted by Dohoon on his chest. And then, at some point, their lips touched. They kissed, Junghwan wanted to think so.
When Dohoon’s eyes closed, Junghwan thought it was simply him completely entrusting himself, baring his vulnerability into the kiss. Until Junghwan realized that Dohoon had simply fallen asleep like that. He wasn’t sure whether to feel disappointed or endeared. A laugh bubbled up on his chest, a soft smile drawn lightly on his lips as he admired Dohoon’s flushed face. Junghwan felt the world narrow into their shared space, almost forgetting that Youngjae was in the same room as them. As the realization hit, sobriety hit him, flaring his senses as he glanced at Youngjae who thankfully didn’t seem to have seen any of that vulnerable moment.
Dohoon now laid on Junghwan’s lap on the floor. Junghwan brushed away Dohoon’s bangs, lightly touching the strands of hair that fell on his forehead.
“Hate alcohol…’m never drinking again…” Dohoon muttered through his sleep. Junghwan chuckled and thought of recording Dohoon’s drunk talk but decided against it as his phone was far out of reach. He was simply content on staying put on that floor. Even if it meant his legs cramping and numbing for the whole night, he would willingly let Dohoon sleep on him.
The next morning, all three of them had awakened with banging headaches and hangovers.
“Ugh, whose phone is making all that noise this early on the morning?” Youngjae groaned, sleep disrupted by a phone ringing.
No one responded, Junghwan deep asleep and Dohoon slumped on his lap. Youngjae rolled over blindly, his hands reaching out to search for the phone. It was only after the third ring when he realized the sound was coming from his phone. He swipes to answer the call.
“Mhm, Jihoon-ah,” he calls, voice rough around the edges.
“Morning, hyung! Are you guys still at Dohoon’s?” Jihoon chimed from the other line.
“Yes, why?”
“Okay, I’m on the way there now,” Jihoon said.
“Mhm, sure–wait, what?”
Youngjae, with a puffy sullen face, greeted Jihoon at Dohoon’s front door. He still wasn’t sure why Jihoon is suddenly back when he should be at Seoul, but he didn’t have the energy to question. Jihoon let himself in and went straight to Dohoon’s room.
“What’d y’all do last night that all three of you look so tired?” Jihoon asked upon seeing the other two sound asleep on the floor, nuzzled together, again.
Youngjae simply pointed to the empty bottle on the middle of the room. Jihoon gasped.
“You guys drank…?”
“Yes, don’t snitch.”
“And you didn’t invite me?!”
“Aish, this kid,” Youngjae snickered and flicked Jihoon’s forehead. Jihoon pouted at that, rubbing on the spot on his forehead.
Youngjae yawns. His joints burned and muscles ached. He didn’t know a hangover would feel so close to a fever. He groaned at the feeling, swearing to never drink like that again.
“Well, I’m gonna go lay down, make yourself at home,” Youngjae says and then pats Jihoon’s cheek. He then proceeds to fall onto Dohoon’s bed. Jihoon follows, sitting on the edge. He looks at Youngjae and then at Junghwan’s and Dohoon’s sleeping figures. He chuckles when he realizes how Junghwan and Dohoon always seems to end up on the floor while he and Youngjae would hog Dohoon’s bed.
With that thought, he stands up and heads to the kitchen to prepare something that could hopefully cure a hangover. Not that he knew any recipe, but hey, Google is free.
When Jihoon returns from the kitchen, all three of his hyungs were squished on the bed. Youngjae was now pressed onto the wall while Dohoon laid between Youngjae and Junghwan.
Jihoon, of course, had no other choice but to jump on the three of them.
"Breakfast is ready! Rise and shine!" he said in between giggles that slipped freely past his grin. The others groaned under his weight, Dohoon pushing Jihoon off with his legs while Youngjae simply pressed himself closer to the wall as if Jihoon would disappear if he simply wouldn't acknowledge him. Meanwhile, Junghwan remained sound asleep, face nuzzled on the crook of Dohoon's neck.
Jihoon was relentless in waking them up, first tickling Dohoon into consciousness who woke up soon enough, detaching himself from Junghwan's limbs only to be pulled back down with his hyung's stubborn grip. Youngjae followed, sitting up, now being pulled up off the bed by Jihoon. He simply followed, unwilling to put up a fight, and they headed to the kitchen.
Junghwan and Dohoon remained inside the room, with its walls glowing with the sunlight that seeped through the blinds.
Junghwan did not seem like he would wake up any minute soon. Dohoon, on the other hand, simply laid there, trapped in his hyung's arms. He relished their existence like any other good day, like it was their most natural state destined by the stars from the moment they emerged in this world.
Dohoon, with all the time to think as he stared up at the ceiling, realized how he and Junghwan had evolved as friends and as their own persons through the years. Cuddling like this had always been normal to them as Junghwan was naturally affectionate while Dohoon basked in the attention most of the time when he wasn't busy pretending to be too cool to care.
However.
However, if he squinted enough, there was a shift in the space he and Junghwan had shared for a while now. The space in their hearts had molded in such a way so subtle that they barely realized what had been budding in their stolen moments and warm glances. Somewhere in their youth, the world had tilted Dohoon to Junghwan.
Dohoon shifted his eyes at Junghwan who stirred beside him—and he felt his heart breaking. It didn't break like shattering glass. Instead, he felt his heart swelling, growing until it reached that point of almost bursting, growing too much to contain in his chest. His heart ached beautifully, pleasingly—in a way that he would find pleasure in the pain if it meant waking up to Junghwan beside him everyday.
Finally, Junghwan's eyes fluttered open. The light peeking through the blinds blinded him. He regretted that first sip of alcohol last night.
"Morning," he greeted, voice raspy with sleep.
"Mhm, morning, hyung," Dohoon responded.
"How long have you been awake?" Junghwan asked, unmoving from their earlier position.
"A while now. I couldn't leave you," Dohoon said.
"Aww."
"Actually no, you wouldn't let me. Like, literally."
"Mhm, no. I'm gonna trap you in here forever, Dohoon-ah."
Junghwan was just saying anything now, Dohoon thought. Could he still be drunk?
"Hyung!" Dohoon whined within Junghwan's grip, his attempts to escape futile. Not that he was really trying, because he wouldn't be fooling anyone if he said he didn't like this.
Junghwan tightened his grip around Dohoon before he finally let him go, then forcing himself to sit up. Dohoon followed suit, his feet reaching out for his slippers hidden somewhere under the edge of the bed.
"Jihoon made breakfast, let's go," Dohoon said, hand reaching out to Junghwan still drunk with sleep.
"Huh? Jihoon?"
"Dunno, he was suddenly here this morning. I think he went home last night because of FOMO."
"Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if it's that."
"Let's go, I need something warm and soothing. My joints are burning."
"I'm warm and soothing."
"But you're not a bowl of warm soup."
"So you admit I'm warm and soothing, just not a bowl of warm soup?"
"The hell is this conversation even about?"
“About me being warm and soothing.”
“Whatever,” Dohoon muttered under his breath, turning away before his burning cheeks betrayed him in front of Junghwan.
When they finally headed to the kitchen, Youngjae and Jihoon were already indulging themselves in some hot instant ramen.
Junghwan greeted Jihoon dramatically which of course the younger returned with the same fervor and energy.
The morning commenced softly and faded into the early afternoon. Around that time, everyone's parents were already looking for their children, with the exception of Jihoon and Dohoon. Soon enough, Junghwan and Youngjae returned to their homes while Jihoon stayed back. His family was still in Seoul but he apparently sneaked out last night and took the midnight bus which earned him an earful from his mother the following morning.
Dohoon's parents and younger sister still haven't returned. Him and Jihoon just ended up hanging out doing whatever they could lay their hands on that afternoon. Dohoon still felt a bit sick, but he was recovering faster than he expected.
“Hyung,” Jihoon called, eyes on the screen as they watched whatever show was on.
“Mhm,” Dohoon hummed.
“Be honest—are you and Junghwan hyung dating?”
Dohoon's blood rushed to his head, his ears and face completely flushed over one simple question.
It didn't help that he stumbled on his words, awkward breathy laughs slipping past his lips as he tried to form a coherent answer. Usually, he would be a smooth talker, a good liar. In fact, he didn't even have to lie—it was a simple yes or no question where he could be completely honest.
“No, we're not! We're like brothers, ew!”
“We're like brothers, ew!” Jihoon mimicked Dohoon's futile attempt. He didn't push further, but with how dramatically Dohoon had acted, he simply knew there was at least some feelings from Dohoon's part. And it doesn't take a genius to tell that Junghwan shared that same longing and warmth whenever he laid his eyes on the younger.
“W-well what about you, huh? You and Youngjae are suspicious, you know?” Dohoon sputtered, veering the conversation elsewhere. Instead of the awkward shy response that Dohoon was expecting from Jihoon, the younger answered confidently.
“I like Youngjae hyung. I think he likes me too, but he's just not admitting it.” Jihoon answered with not a single bit of hesitation, sure of how he felt. Perhaps it was youthful bravery and courage that came with innocence. At that moment, Dohoon almost showed reverence for Jihoon's certainty. That was something he couldn't do, not when he was too scared to lose Junghwan. Change is scary. Staying friends is safe.
Staying friends is safe.
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2025
Dohoon inhaled the crisp air, letting it soothe and burn his lungs all at once. The sensation made him crave for cigarettes—a vice he's picked up since he started to burn out in his job. He swore last month that he would quit, but the urge keeps creeping up to him during his most vulnerable moments.
Dohoon thought the clear night sky and the cool breeze was the perfect setting for a smoke at that moment. He tried his best to shrug off the thought, telling himself that he was only making up excuses.
On his walk, he stopped by the convenience store, picking up a drink to have while he cleared his head. He willed every fiber of his body to not fold into his vice for the sake of his sanity and health. However, he now stood in front of the counter, and just behind the cashier he could see the full rack of cigarettes that taunted him, preying on his vulnerable state.
Before he could stop himself, he asked for a box of cigarettes and bought a new lighter.
Outside of the convenience store, where the seats remained empty and the streets remained quiet, he took out a cigarette fresh from the crisp box. It hung in between his lips for a few seconds, as if he was still weighing his decisions. He let the vice linger, not yet giving it any power.
“Whatever, who am I kidding?” he chuckled dryly to himself.
Dohoon pulled out the lighter, the click being followed by a burst of proud blue flame. He aligns it at the end of his cigarette, inhaling deeply, leaving the paper burning at its wake.
On his first drag, slow, he let the burn linger on his throat. The familiar sensation of temporary relief returned to him. And when he puffs out the smoke, it's as if it carried with it all the thoughts and feelings that had festered within him.
When Dohoon finished his first cigarette in a while, he decided to go back to the convenience store to get a can of beer as well.
The refreshing fizz of the bitter beer clung around his tongue and drew into his throat, almost soothing for the burning sensation left by his cigarette.
Earlier at the fridge, he stared at the big gin bottles that gleamed in different colors next to the brown whiskey bottles. A small smile crept onto his face as he suddenly remembered the first time he's ever drank. After that, he has never really gotten shitfaced ever again. He swore on that morning of his first hangover that he wouldn't do that again, and so far he's stayed true to his words.
As he now indulged in his beer, he recounted his memories as a teenager, drinking hard liquor without any idea of what he's getting himself into. He remembered that night clearly, dragging Junghwan and Youngjae into his antics, and them hesitantly taking their first sips of the bitter liquid. He remembered feeling dizzy by their third shot, and Junghwan getting knocked out by the time they were halfway the bottle.
The rest of that night was a blur, and he only remembered waking up next to Junghwan.
Dohoon chuckled, eyes glistening, smile bittersweet. He chugs the remaining contents of the can and throws it into the trash. He thinks about smoking another cigarette but decides one should be enough for the night.
He heads back to his apartment wishing he won't feel the urge to jump off the moment he's confined in that very space once more.