Chapter Text
“Hey, Mud…” Mel whined, having nothing better to do around the shop during this slow morning besides poking his rotten forehead, “Uncle Mud,” poke, “Uncle Mud,” poke, “Uncle M-”
“Wadda ya want, pipsqueak?” Mud waved her hand away and sat up from where he was reclining behind the register.
“Well… you remember how you were clowning on me for that god awful magazine full of ‘plastic ass broads’.” Mel air quoted and contorted her face into an animated reenactment of his when he had said it.
“Fake ass broads, but yea, go on.”
“Well… I came up with a brilliant idea.” Mel grinned impishly, mischievous intentions seeping out of her smile. “I thought… since you are clearly the connoisseur of hot women, I'd just borrow yours!”
“Oooh, so what? Ya found my mags. If ya found em, it isn't the good stuff.” Mud huffed, leaning back in his chair. It was really only a matter of time but that is why, unlike Ken, he had decoy mags hidden in a slightly easier to find spot. He had hid the decoy ones under a crate nearby his sleeping hook which Ken hadn't needed to move in years. Mud wouldn't even be surprised if the decoys had frozen to the icy concrete floor.
“Oh-ho I wouldn't be so sure of that one.” Mel cackled, eyes glinting against the dark of her devious look. “Tell me, does the headline ‘tin can totally dominates’ mean anything to you?”
“Nope, can't say it does.” Mud replied, lighting his cigarette in an attempt to be nonchalant. So she got lucky and found one of his many hidden magazines. Big deal.
“Really? And ‘voluptuous virtues lose their v card' isn't specific enough?” Mel's grin was borderline shit-eating as she waved a DVD with frost thickly coating the outside of the case.
“Nope! Can't say I've heard of that one either.” Mud couldn't hide the sweat starting to trickle down his skull. That one was one of his best hidden dvds. He knew Ken's restriction on her outdoor activities would backfire on him someday.
“What about… THIS!” Mel flung a magazine out of her boot and held it up. The trifold page unraveled with a flutter of pages to flash a coyly posed virtue teasing the viewer with a suggestive bend of their spine. “Diligence's Dirty Day Off?!”
“What- you little brat how'd you find that?!” Mud flung his hand out to snatch the magazine back but Mel pulled it out of his reach. Mel jumped to her feet on the counter and crouched down to meet his eye level.
“I should have known something was up when you were the first to jump on our trip to paradise lost! Even more so when you got all hot and bothered after we stopped at that virtue check point! ‘It's just nerves’, my ass!” Mel poked at Mud with the magazine and pulled it away from him when he tried to snatch it back yet again.
“Grrrr… listen here you little jackass! It was the nerves! Plus! I didn't enjoy having to fork over my well earned scarab for your stupid heist because you couldn't get a newly issued guard suit!” Mud pointed a bony finger right in her face.
“Oh-ho-oho… but if you had a new suit you wouldn't have had that tin can’s eyes on ya. How far down did they look?” Mel teased, leaning in close to her uncle. She brought her hand up to whisper to his ear. “I heard you tell Ken that they were inches away from your face. The sexual tension must have been crazy for a virtue to get that close to you when they are soooo disgusted by rotlings.”
“Enough!” Mud waved her back with a flurry of his hands. “That is my ex-superior officer you're talking about! They're sadistic, cruel, uncaring, cold, and a huge piece of shit! All they care about is getting the job done!”
“I'm sure you'd like them to get your job done if you know what I mean.” Mel smirked, wiggling her eyebrows teasing. She swayed the trifold of Diligence in front of his eyes. Their pointed hat was neatly placed over where they might have had anything to flash the audience with.
“Alright, that's it.” Mud slammed his hands down on the shop counter with a wet thud.” I'm telling Ken about your midnight escapades outside!” Mud pushed his chair out and stormed out from behind the register counter.
“What?! No! Uncle Mud! You can't!” Mel hung onto his arm and planted her feet. She kicked up dust as he dragged her across the uneven wooden floor.
“That's right, you're not the only one who knows secrets!” Mud turned and stuck his finger in Mel's face. “If you stay outta my business, I'll stay outta yours!” Mud snatched the magazine from Mel's hands and stormed off. Probably to check how much of his stash Mel had truly uncovered.
Mel smirked as he left. Oh… she was only just starting to get into his business.
[-------]
“My virtue, sir!” The rotling guard saluted as they entered Diligence's pristine office.
“Yes rotling, what is it?” Diligence addressed them, not bothering to waste power by turning to look at them. Then guards had grown accustomed to not being fully addressed.
“We've received an anonymous tip from someone who claims to know the whereabouts of the nephilim, sir!”
“WHAT?!” Diligence spun around wildly to face the rotling. “Send them in at once! Why are you still standing there?!”
“Er, they said they wanted to meet you at a specific location, sir. Some sort of secluded dock or something. This is the letter with the information, my virtue.” The rotling guard tentatively held out a crumpled, and then re-straightened, piece of paper. The virtue snatched it from the rotling's hands ignoring how their claws sliced the guard. Their scanners frantically read over each letter. The letters were arranged erratically out of poorly cut magazine pieces.
“I have information about the nephilim. Meet me @ the docks. The abandoned warehouse behind the cargo bay @ 1am. If you're feeling lucky, Diligence.”
[-------]
“Mud… Are you still mad at me for the other day?” Mel pouted, flashing her big puppy eyes at her uncle who pretended to sleep behind the register. She knew that he had grown accustomed to the meat hook and found it hard to sleep elsewhere.
“Nope. In fact I've already forgotten what I was supposed to be mad about. That is, if ya return that DVD ya took.” Mud cracked open one eye to look at Mel who stood on the other side of the counter.
“Oh I've got you something better than a DVD.” Mel smirked and leaned over the counter. She spun a coin around her fingers before setting it down on the counter. “I've got you a date.”
“Heh, yer a real jokester Mel. Almost sounded like ya said ya got me a date.” Mud laughed and shut his tired eyes once again.
“I did!” Mel yanked Mud upright by the shoulders of his coat and shook him awake. “Not just any date! A date with one of those buckets of bolts you like so much.”
“What?! Mel, y've got to be joking!” Mud straightened up and grabbed Mel, stopping her from shaking him. “If ya found them on a dating site it most definitely is a scam. I thought I trained ya better than to fall for those fake accounts!”
“No Mud, a real one. Trust me, I've seen them myself. They're even better than the fake virtues you see on those DVDs. And you've got a date with them. Tonight! So dress your best!” Mel winked at him, before disappearing further into the butcher shop.
[-------]
Mud straightened his red mangy tie in the spare bathroom mirror as he prepared for his date. He was showing up hours early but if he continued to wait around the shop he would dissolve into a nervous wreck. This was the only good suit he had and he couldn't afford to ruin it. He brushed out the white dress shirt, well as white as it got round here. He made sure the sleeves were properly cuffed, virtues appreciated cleanliness like that. Lastly, he swung on the slightly oversized black dress coat. It was the only coat that didn't have gigantic holes through it from various shoot outs over the years. With that, he was all set to go and left the bathroom. As he was about to walk out the main shop door, a heavy hand grabbed his shoulder.
“Mud! Say, where are you going dressed like that?” Ken's voice boomed from behind him. Hopefully the fancy get up distracted him from the fact that Mel had set up this date during work hours.
“Er, nowhere, really. Just’a run some errands.” Mud replied, shrugging Ken's hand from his shoulder and attempting to slip out from the shop again.
“He's got a date!” Mel piped up from behind the counter.
“WHAT?!” Ken exclaimed in disbelief. “Mud, as my dearest brother, I am offended. HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME?!” Ken hoisted his brother into the air and spun him around.
“Y're going to smear yer bloody apron all over my nice shirt!” Mud barked. Ken set him down on his feet, supporting him as he staggered slightly. The show of excitement had already drawn more eyes to Mud than he wanted. Ken had also roughed up his carefully straightened dress shirt.
“So who's the lucky lady?” Ken asked lowly, wiggling his eye ridges teasingly. Mel definitely inherited some of her father's attitudes.
“I dunno, it's a blind date set up by Mel.” Mud attempted to play it off cool and entirely disinterested. Hopefully his lack of interest gave Ken a lack of interest.
“Oh, did I forget to tell you?” Mel pursed her lips in fake worry before a devious smile took over her face. “It's not a woman! Don't worry though,” she winked, “they're right up your alley.” Mud gawked at Mel, embarrassed that she had apparently looked through enough of his stash to find out that he was into the more… masculine… side of things.
“You're bisexual? I didn't know that. You never brag about banging any guys.” Mud just hung his head in defeat. He had no idea how to explain to Ken that he never bragged about it because it was usually guys banging him.
[-------]
Diligence surveyed the area that led into and out of the place they were supposed to be meeting their informant. It was a rundown warehouse which, according to Diligence's research, hadn't been used in years. They could only assume the reason being the very obvious gang ties to the warehouse. Despite being undead, rotlings still preferred to stay away from real threats. Diligence had arrived early in hopes of catching them entering the meeting spot but no luck. Reluctantly, the virtue braced themselves as they headed down towards the abandoned warehouse doors.
[-------]
Mud straightened his tie and smoothed over the table cloth yet again. Mel had helped him set up the place, bringing in some candles for mood lighting and rotten flower petals to lead a trail to the table. Upon hearing about the date, Ken immediately offered food to be served which Mud accepted. Ken was a cheapskate and it wasn't every day he offered something for free. Perhaps he just wanted to get Mud out of his freezer. He also tried to offer Breadhead's time to play mood-setting music but Mud knew it was just so that if things went tits up, Breadhead could bash his date's skull in. He appreciated his brother's worry but still had to respectfully decline. Mud's ears perked up at the sound of heels approaching the door. Heels were a good sign. He straightened his clothing one more time before racing over to the metal doors to meet this mystery date.
[-------]
Diligence placed one hand on the door to open it. An individual eye peered at him through the crack in between the two large metal doors. The stranger's eye grew wide and frantic, an effect they had on rotlings. The stranger slammed the rusty doors closed with a metal bang, narrowly missing the virtue's clawed fingers. Diligence didn't have the patience for this today.
“Hey, you filthy fucking cockbite! I was told to meet someone here, so I'M HERE! Ungrateful! Sack! Of! Maggots!” The virtue kicked at the door with their heel to punctuate every word. They dented it in multiple areas with resounding clangs as the metal door vibrated. Occasionally their sharp heel would puncture the full way through the rotting door. The metal gave way easily to the raw power of the virtue's kicks.
[-------]
Mud steadied his breathing as best as he could while a real virtue was attempting to break down the door in front of him. Mel had said she got a real one, but he didn't think it was a real, real one! And definitely not his hot ex boss! Wait. His definitely not hot ex boss!
“If you don't open this door when I finish counting to three, I'll have you gutted like a fucking fish, cemented, and thrown in this very lake!” The virtue on the other side of the door growled. Mud flinched as their nails pierced holes through the metal door. “One!” The high pitched screech of metal echoed out as the virtue began to slowly tear holes through the door. “Two….”
[-------]
Diligence prepared himself to strangle the rotling on the other side of the metal sheets but as their visuals adjusted they began to take in the warehouse fully. A lanky rotling dressed in nice, for a rotling, dress attire. They wore a neatly ironed black dress coat with match black slacks, a tie that was in fact tied correctly around their neck, and a only slightly ruffled up white shirt. Behind him, a table was set up for what looked to be a fancy dinner. Wax candles were placed strategically to reflect the most effective mood lighting. Diligence stepped through the hole they had torn through the door and into the rotling's space.
“You did this…” the virtue motioned to the display with a nod of their head, “just for our meeting today?”
[-------]
“Uh… yes sir.” Mud gulped nervously as the virtue stepped through the hole in the metal doors and invaded his personal space.
“I appreciate a rotling who goes the extra mile! The hard work really shows! How'd you know that candles as mood lighting is much more beneficial to my visual processing unit?” The virtue asked, approaching each little thing that Mud had been carefully setting up for their arrival. They turned every small mood piece this way and that way as they scanned everything. “Wait, don't tell me. I'll trust it's a reflection of your good detective skills.” The virtue turned their head back to Mud for a second and if they had eyes, Mud would bet that they would have winked. It was good they didn't ask how he knew. Mud didn't know how to tell them he'd seen it in a shitty porno once. The virtue continued to scan over every small object within the area, before their gaze stopped upon the table. It was elaborately decorated with seating for two. Two plates covered with silver domes sat waiting at the table.
“I, er, brought alternatives too. If you don't eat any of what's on your plate.” Mud spoke up and slid out a chair for the virtue to sit on. They stared at him for a moment, before sitting down mechanically.
“I'm a robot. I don't eat much of anything.” Despite this, Mud saw Diligence stare curiously at the silver metal.
“Really? Because when I was watching po- researchin’… about you virtues it implied ya could.” Mud corrected his nearly fatal mistake as he slid into the chair across from the virtue. In the center was a bug head centerpiece made by Ken. They each had their own wine glasses which were perfectly placed to catch the light of the candles and silverware sat neatly on top of napkins. A bottle of the best wine Ken was willing to fork over sat by Mud. He removed the cork with a pop, pouring each of their glasses.
“I mean. I can, but eating takes up so much time that it's inefficient for my job. Not to mention, it is hard to give orders when my mouth is full.” The virtue took the glass from Mud after theirs was poured and scanned the dark liquid. It sloshed around with a thick consistency that made it look diseased. Yet, their informant stared at them expectantly, waiting for them to enjoy it. Anything for the job.
[-------]
Mud had to stop himself from pulling at his shirt collar nervously as Diligences inspected the wine for what seemed to be ages. Eventually they tilted their head slightly as they made their decision. They brought their glass up to their jaw which opened just wide enough for the liquid to pass through. They set the glass back down with an unreadable expression. The edges of their mouth now stained dark from the wine.
“Good?” Mud wiped his hands nervously on his slacks under the table.
“Drinkable.” Diligence said with a curt nod.
“I think you'll find dinner much more pleasin’ then.” Mud lifted up the food cover to reveal food usually only ever reserved for VIPs in the shop. Salivating gut steak from an unknown source, dripping with dark sauce that could be mistaken for blood, covered in grilled rancid bug legs and a side of mashed slop. Mud's dome was set to the side quietly as he was given a much sorrier cut of meat, but still much more aesthetically pleasing than fly head. Ken had really outdone himself. Mud could feel the flies flying out of his wallet when his next paycheck came now. A second passed as they stared at each other, no words shared. Diligence was the first to break the silence with faint scraping as they cut up their steak.
[-------]
Diligence was impressed. There were very few places in the gaslight district that served food. Even fewer that served it well. Not that any of this looked particularly edible to someone who hadn't needed to eat in years. They simply noted each little fact to look into later. Then again, this was a meeting about information, was it not? Any information was valuable even if it was a report on how well the food tasted.
“How do you get such high quality cuts of meat?” The virtue brought a small sliver up to their face, inspecting it, before popping it into their mouth. They didn't give themselves time to regret the decision. The regret never came as the food was shockingly amazing despite the especially rancid looks. Diligence would simply, not look down.
“My brother and I, y'see, we both work at a restaurant. He does all the meat cutting. N’ when I told ‘im that I had an important meeting tonight, he insisted to help me out with the best. Really great guy.” Mud spoke with his mouth full. He appeared to be trying not to make it obvious how good he thought the food was too as he wolfed it down hungrily.
“Don't speak with your mouth full, it's disgusting. You told people we were meeting tonight?” The virtue stared down the rotling, leaning forward intently.
“No! No. Just him. And I didn't mention who I was meetin’ with.”
“I see.” Diligence hummed, silence settling over them again.
[-------]
Mud had already broken the ice, even if it was only a small scrape in the iceberg. He just had to keep this ball rolling.
“Whadda ya do in yer free time?” He asked, making it a point to swallow all his food before speaking this time.
“I have no freetime. I work for the angels ever so dutifully around the clock.” Diligence scraped the final bits of food off their plate with their fork and into their metallic jaws. Mud was at least glad to know he was the only one who was starved.
“Ya consider this dinner t’be work?”
“I do.”
“So, what brings ya to work here?” Mud motioned with his own glass of wine, careful not to spill any of it.
“You.” Diligence brought their glass up and drank the last sip of wine. When had they emptied it?
“Well, yea but like, what made ya want to blind date a rotling?”
“What?” The virtue bent the fork in their hand in half. Their other hand held their wine glass that shattered under the pressure. The shards scattered across their cleaned plate.
“What? Blind date?” Mud tried to recount what he had said wrong. That's what this was, wasn't it?
“I am here because I got a letter sent to me at Paradise Lost. It explicitly stated that an anonymous informant, that's you, wanted to meet here, at this time. To talk about the human spotted recently at paradise lost.” The virtue stood up and slammed their hands on the table, shaking with rage. “You mean to tell me that you have NO INFORMATION ABOUT THE NEPHILIM?!”
“Woah, woah there's been some big misunderstanding! One of my friends told me they set us up on a blind date.” Mud jumped out of his chair, the wood scraping against the concrete floor as it slid and fell backwards with a thud. He backed away from the virtue who exuded rage from every fiber of their being.
“Oh… one of us will be leaving here blind alright.” The virtue replied darkly, rounding the table to slowly approach Mud. Each step forward from Diligence pushed Mud a step backwards towards the wall.
“Wait, wait, wait! This is about tha’ human egg thing right?! I don't have any information but I can tell ya what I've heard! Maybe something will be of interest?!”
“You better talk fast retched rotling, for I'll tear you to even smaller shreds for every second you fucking waste my time.”
“It's hatched! Hatched a while ago, didn't it? But not too long ago. So, y're looking for a young adult! A young adult human. I mean there's not many young adults just waltzin’ around the place. Even less with all their original parts attached!” Mud stammered out, stumbling over himself as he tried to evade the virtue's war path.
“I know what the human looks like, you vile parasite. I saw her at Paradise Lost when the butcher broke in and stole the angel egg!” The virtue lashed out, anger thrumming charge through their circuits. They scanned Mud's face as realization dawned on him. “You know where she is… TELL ME!” Diligence seized the front of Mud's shirt collar and pulled him close.
“Well… there's a problem. First y've gotta get past Ken, the butcher. Then Breadhead, a big ass golem who will definitely dent yer face in and bust it sideways.” Mud listed, watching as the virtue's attention snapped to listen to Mud intently. “Assuming ya kill both of those two, I'd have to step in an’ try my shot at beating ya cause y'know, Ken's my brother. This is all assuming that we don't just pound ya into a pile of scrap metal.”
“Then I'll get rid of one of the obstacles in my way right now-” Diligence raised their hand threateningly, sharp nails glistening in the dark.
“Woah slow down! Don't cha know, young women are complicated! If ya kill me she'll hate the virtue's guts forever and want nothing to do with ya.”
“She doesn't have to like me… just do her job.” The virtue growled, but Mud knew he made a point when they didn't shred his face.
“But she does like ya! I mean she's the one who sent ya that letter.” Diligence perked up and tilted their head at that. “Wouldn't it be much easier for ya to… I don't know… date me and build emotional bonds with her so she goes willingly? I mean, she doesn't care about that stupid prophecy at all. She's trying to join the Smiling Dead, not the Virtue Cunts.” Mud spat the last part out, but the virtue was lost in thought. Diligence hummed, gears spinning loudly as they weighed the pros and cons of the situation.
[-------]
The virtue felt a flicker of irritation lick their circuitry as they realized the rotling was right. It would be much easier on the nephilim mentally, but much more taxing on the virtue's time. Diligence sighed and let go of the rotling's collar. They knew the dangers of rushing a job that took time. The rotling soothed his neck where the virtue had pulled his shirt taunt.
“Okay, how shall we proceed?” Diligence conceded.
“Personally? I plan on finishin’ the food before it gets cold. I mean, this is the best I've eaten in years simply because I told my brother I was going on a date with someone.” Mud stood his chair back up and sunk back into his seat. The virtue stood next to their chair for a second, before sitting down as well.
“Your brother, the butcher?”
“Er, yeah. Sorry about yer friend.” Mud shoveled food into his mouth. Seemingly wanting to turn this into a much shorter talk than before.
“We were simply work acquaintances.” Diligence clarified simply.
“Really? Ya guys look so alike and normally they split the virtues up so I thought y'd have to be close for them to make ya work together.” Mud waved around a piece of meat on his fork and the virtue had to bite back the urge to scold him for it.
“There are other virtues in that building. They just do not have jobs that limit them to the building like me and Temperance do.”
“Really? How often do ya get out then?”
“I believe this is my first time stepping outside of Paradise Lost in… well… however old the human is.” Diligence honestly couldn't remember the exact date as it wasn't important to dwell on their past mistakes.
“What? Once the human was born y’d think they'd want ya out patrolling the streets every day.” Mud gestured widely in disbelief, knocking over his wine glass which Diligence caught before it spilt anything and sat it upright.
“Patience patrols outside of Paradise Lost. The human was lost under my watch so as punishment the angels ordered me to turn it into a perfectly run and maintained prison. People enter, they don't leave. This is to reduce the risk of the nephilim leaving again.” The virtue sighed, shoulders dropping from their rigid pose ever so slightly. “As you can tell from the recent break in, it didn't work.”
“Oh I bet the angels practically exploded into a ball of feathers from anger about that shit.” Mud cackled at the image of an angel combusting into a feathery mass. “How did ya even manage to get them to let ya out for this? I'd wager they have ya working triple time as punishment.”
“They do. However, the letter specifically requested me to go so they did not bother sending Patience.” Diligence shrugged. They leaned forward slightly. “Enough about me, what about you?”
[-------]
Mud gulped nervously.
“Me? Whadda ya wanna know?” He wasn't exactly the most interesting rotling in the Gaslight District.
“Well, you never told me your name or gave a formal introduction.”
“Shit, course. The name's Mud. I work at my brother's butcher shop. Part of the Smiling Dead. Since ya don't get out much, it's a crime family. Er… just a regular family if y'd have to punish me for it being a crime family.” Mud joked nervously. He stabbed at the last bits of food on his plate mindlessly.
“I don't bother myself with punishing rotlings outside my jurisdiction. What do you do for the Smiling Dead?” The virtue asked, tilting their head ever so slightly. When it came to questions, their lack of emotion made Mud feel more so that he was being interrogated.
“Guess it's only fair to tell ya a tad since ya told me a bit about the other virtue's huh. I don't do much, a general lackey. I operate the sniper, hunt down tips and leads, spy on people. The usual tall, dark and handsome detective work stuff.”
“What about you made the nephilim decide to set up this date?” The virtue continued. Each question added a bit more tension to the air.
“I guess just because I had worked for the virtue corps before! I also hate the filler shit so many rotlings get nowadays and I mean y're steel. Ya couldn't get filler if ya tried.” Mud knew he was rambling slightly but he was good at talking about things other than himself with more confidence.
“Worked for the virtue corps?” Diligence pressed him to continue. They were seemingly interested in the fact that they might have worked together before.
“Yep. That's how we broke in. Dressed up in an old guard get up and you were none the wiser.” Mud smirked at the virtue. It was a pretty good heist, all things considered. He could practically hear Diligence temporarily short circuited in a burst of rage.
“Oh. Perhaps you should have started the date by telling me about the 'breaking in past my careful surveillance' part, vermin.” The virtue hissed and crossed their arms.
“Sorry if that touched a nerve. Or a circuit in yer case.”
“Only slightly. But don't worry, I remember you.” The diligence laughed darkly, dual tone vocalizer adding an even more sinister echo to it. “The real reason you're so into bots must be because you can't please anyone else when you're missing packages.”
“Bloody perv!” Mud slammed his hands down on the table and stood up. “I have fucking assets! Yer scanner is just a piece of malfunctionin’ trash!” He jabbed a finger at Diligence accusingly and the virtue considered to sit there smugly.
“Male assets?”
“Questioning my assets gender!?” Mud gasped in offense. “If I remember right, ya virtues surrendered yer whole body for that metal twig frame. So ya don't even have a dick! Or a pussy!” Mud could feel his skin begin to heat up. Whether the molten fire was from rage or embarrassment, he couldn't tell.
“Do you really think we would need a Chastity virtue if we didn't have some form of genitals?” Diligence hummed. Their carefree attitude started to grind on Mud's nerves.
“A chastity virtue?! What the fuck does a Chastity virtue even do?! Lock yer panel shut if fucking around is distracting ya from yer work?”
“Don't know. I've never become distracted by such filthy lowly needs.” Diligence was so uppity about the whole thing. They snootily lifted their head and pulled their shoulders up, posturing proudly about the fact.
“Yea because y're surrounded by guards who have no damn sex appeal and can't fuck.” Mud leaned down to sneer into the Virtue's face. Their carved smile gave away nothing but Mud knew that for once it accurately reflected what they felt.
“And you can?” Diligence teased. Mud's head was spinning with this dance they played, coyly toying with the line between teasing and being completely uninterested. If not downright disgusted by the rotling. Mud knew they were picking up every quiver of his fingers, every agitated twitch of his scowl. Still, Deligence had presented Mud the opportunity to fuck a virtue, served on a silver platter straight to Mud's lap.
“I'm a hands-on and visual learner. I'm sure I could do it infinitely better than any shit ass guard y've met.”
[-------]
Diligence would have been grinning wide if their smile could move at all. They had laid the perfect bait and Mud had predictably bitten. Not as fast as other more desperate and pathetic rotten guards, but bitten nonetheless.
“Well, if we are to date then perhaps you should get familiar with my equipment?” The virtue cocked their head teasingly. Every sly comment would send Mud reeling for a split second before the rotling would attempt to play cool once again.
“My place or- well maybe not yers. There's a hotel nearby-” They watched as he poorly hid his excitement, stammering over himself and messing with the table cloth under his hand.
“Why move when you put so much work into the layout here?” The diligence stood up and carefully started stacking the dishes from dinner. Once again, the rotling's face twitched as he temporarily short circuited, unable to comprehend the sudden shift in attitude. The virtue made a show of moving all the plates and glasses slowly to a nearby crate. The centerpiece was hideous and they swiped it off the table with much less grace. It broke into multiple little pieces on the floor but Diligence considered that to be an upgrade. Mud had sat back down in his chair unsure of what the virtue was planning to do. They smoothed out the table cloth gingerly before sitting down on top of the table to face Mud. They placed their one heeled legs on either side of the edge of the chair, trapping Mud in place.
“No smoking this close to exposed wiring.” They pinched out Mud's cigarette who simply nodded dumbly. The moment they realized that this pathetic rotling had a thing for virtues, Diligence realized that the way to the nephilim was much easier. Who needed emotional bonds when you could have a much quicker effect by getting under some sleazy rotling's clothes.
[-------]
Mud gawked, burnt out cigarette falling out of his mouth at the sight. The soft mood lighting bounced off their plating to enunciate every ivory curve perfectly. He could see minor scratches and chips in the otherwise perfectly pristine plated. He reached out a hand to touch the chip which was swiftly swatted away by the virtue.
“Visual learning only. We're both trying new things today and I think if you lay your slimy hands on me, I'll have to kill you.” Diligence scolded Mud who was quickly reminded that this was in fact a real virtue who hated his guts. It didn't last long as the virtue slid slender hands up their chest to open up a panel in the front. Inside, various tubing and wiring were on display. Metal framing mimicked that of a skeleton, providing the virtue's chest with reinforcement. Small light emitted from different circuitry and the faintest hum of electricity could be heard. Mud could make out the sound of fans roaring and pistons pumping but couldn't pinpoint where.
“This is everything of vital importance. I can survive without it of course. It is just extra luxuries afforded to me by the angels.” Diligence spoke. After letting Mud soak everything in and gawk for a minute, they shut their chest back up. Then they trailed their hands downwards to their thighs. With a click, they opened a panel on the upper inside of one which seemed to have a receiving port and an output cable that unspooled into their hand.
“This is for receiving sensitive information, fast. Really it is only for vital updates or quick, powerful, data transfers.”
“Is that like… yer…?” Mud asked dumbly. He watched enraptured as the virtue put the cord back inside its holding place and clicked the panel shut.
“No. But it is sensitive enough that it works.” The static that followed the virtue's words this time betrayed their own growing arousal. “What you're looking for is… in the usual places.” Diligence purred and traced their nails around a panel placed on the curved base of their spine. The pipe connecting their thighs together had one front and center. In the dim lighting, Mud could also faintly make out the edges of another panel below.
“Ya have both?”
“You never know what is needed for the job.”
“Can I…” Mud asked, tongue fat in his mouth. He would have begged for it and the virtue knew it. Diligence hummed in false thought, forcing Mud to wait painfully.
“No.” The diligence swung themselves off the table and stood upright, poised back in their professional military stance.
[-------]
The virtue thrummed with excitement as they watched Mud fumble over himself. He was so one track minded that his poor little rotling brain almost couldn't comprehend the fact that he wouldn't be getting laid. All of the blood needed for his brain had seemingly rushed down south and left him brain dead.
“What the fuck?! Ya fucking tease! Is it something I said?”
“Hm? No. More like something you did not say.”
“What's all this about?!”
“I came here expecting information about the nephilim, which I didn't get. You came here expecting to get lucky with a virtue. Which you won't be getting either.” The virtue replied, getting into Mud's space teasingly. They pulled him in with his tie as they pulled his face up to look at them.
“It's not my fault Mel's dumb ass decided to lie to ya to hook me up with ya!” The rotling fizzled with rage, nearly spitting on the virtue with how mad he was.
“It's not my fault that you haven't had experience with a virtue before.”
“I have! Ya dunno that.” Mud scowled and turned his bony nose away from the virtue.
“I could see it written all over your face.” Diligence purred. They took Mud's jaw in their hand delicately to face him back towards them. As cocky as the rotling was, Diligence took notice of the way he worried his lip with his teeth when handled by the virtue.
“Yea and if the angels dropped a gorgeous ivory white goddess with their legs spread in front of ya, y’d lose all brain functions too.”
“I can't say you're doing the same for me.” The virtue sighed dramatically, knowing the effect they were having. Diligence pulled back from Mud, appearing to leave unsatisfied.
“Oh is that it? I'm not attractive enough?” Mud scrambled out of his chair to follow the virtue.
“That's not what I-”
[-------]
Mud could tell he was losing the virtue and needed to desperately reel them back in. Even if he wasn't going to get lucky tonight, he had gotten miles closer than he could ever dream of.
“Cause I don't need to be attractive! I give one of the meanest blow jobs in town, I'll have ya know. I mean ya aren't even thinking about all the possibilities being made of a liquid gets ya.” Mud tempted the virtue, dropping his voice to put on his best persuasive tone.
“I don't need to.” The virtue replied, but Mud can practically feel them rescan and reconsider his looks.
“Oh but I think it'd change yer tune. Listen, we don't have to fuck tonight, right? But when I go home and remember everything ya showed me, I want ya to go home and imagine all the possibilities of me.” Mud slung his arm around the virtue and leaned up against them suggestively. He pressed in close to Diligence and was able to faintly feel charge lick his skin as it bounced off their plating. “I can take any shape. No package detected because I can form any one I fucking like and whenever I like. Want to fuck a hole? No problem, love. I can form any hole of any size.”
“I've got the image, fleabag.” The virtue turned their head away from Mud's stupid face, stupid well fitting dress shirt, stupid messed up tie and stupid tight, perfectly complimenting pants.
“Not the right one, y’re mechanical. Let me try a different approach. Imagine yer electricity being bounced back at ya through my conductive properties if ya will.” Mud coaxed, pressing even closer for just a moment to emphasize his point as charge from the virtue bounced off their plating and fed back to them.
“Thank you for the imagery. You may stop now.” Faintly, Mud could make out the sound of their fans kicking in and pistons speeding up.
"I can grease up all yer pistons however ya please.” Mud purred lowly. He ran a slimy hand over the curve of the virtue's metallic spine and reveled in the minute twitch it earned him.
“I've got it, shitstain.”
“Trap yer circuitry in thick cooling liquid. Slip through all of yer gaps.” Mud ran a finger over one of the seams in the virtue's thigh. The response was a sharp shock directly through his fingers which got him to lean back in alarm.
“Enough, vile pest! You've painted the picture!” The virtue pulled away from the aussie, plating thrumming with rage. Mud knew there was a little more than rage causing their pistons to pump double time.
[-------]
Diligence backed away from the rotling to regain their composure. They were grateful that Mud didn't utter a word while they silently wrangled their roaring fans back under control. Once the pounding of their pistons slowed and their circuitry stopped crackling, they turned back to the rotling. He looked pathetically smug in the warehouse lighting. Like a lanky wet dog off the streets who had somehow snuck in and acted like it owned the place.
“Right, well. I think this dinner has been eventful! Let's call it here.” Diligence nodded curtly as if nothing at all had happened.
“Right.” Mud nodded in response, shoving his hands into his coat pockets.
“Right.” Diligence straightened back up to their usual stiff stance. They turned to leave but noticed the sound of worn boots following.
“Would ya like me to walk you home?” Mud appeared next to them, like a dog they couldn't shake.
“Be seen with you walking into Paradise Lost?”
“Hey! I'm just offering as a gentleman would. I'd hate it if any one of those street urchins harmed a single spec of yer glossy, up to military standard and inspection, paint.”
“Is it custom to walk your date home?” Diligence stopped to face Mud. They didn't want to break any sort of unspoken rules they didn't know about.
“Normally the guy walks the girl home to ensure that she arrives home safe. Y'know, cause women and being out late in the dark.” Mud explained animatedly with his hands. With a quick glance at the door the virtue did notice it was rather dark out. Though, it was normally dark and gloomy by the docks.
“I see.” Diligence hummed thoughtfully, considering Mud's offer. “Very well then. I will walk you home.”
“Alrighty, which way to Parad- me?!”
“Well, no rotling on the street would dare to lift a finger against me. You are part of a massive crime family which I'm sure many people currently hate right now.” Mud grumbled in response to the virtue's correct assessment. “Therefore, it would make sense for me to walk you home considering the difference in threat level.”
“Exactly why ya can't be seen walking home with me! Imagine if those mouth breathers think I'm workin’ for a virtue?!”
“Well, I am sure your brother would appreciate me walking you home. He'd be able to meet who he helped get you with, theoretically speaking.” Diligence pointed out which received a groan from the rotling. Once again, the virtue knew that they were right. They always were.
“Fine.” Mud grumbled and shoved his hands into his pockets once again, much more angrily this time. Diligence could tell he wasn't pleased with how his posture immediately slouched. He was lucky he didn't work for them anymore, else they would have corrected this lousy posture painfully.
“Following, after you.” The virtue held open the door. More of a window after they had tore a virtue sized hole into it but it was the thought that counted.
[-------]
The walk home was torture. The streets were dark and dimly lit by whatever street lights hadn't been broken. The streets were wet and slimy, whether from rain or whatever violence had occurred Mud couldn't tell. On one hand, watching rotlings throw themselves out of the duo's way was entertaining. Many would run inside the closest door, hinges threatening to break with how fast they'd open and slam close. The most amusing was watching a rotling frantically look around for somewhere to hide and choosing to jump on top of a moving car that passed instead. Mud had never seen this level of fear of him before and it was doing wonders to his ego. On the other hand, the whispering gossip he heard follow after he and the virtue passed by meant he was going to be in for a headache tomorrow. Diligence walked behind him in their typical military heel-toe march, hands held behind their back. Their head would turn side to side slowly as they scanned the area continuously. To any outsider, it looked like they were playing guard dog to Mud. Mud knew it was probably that they probably couldn't stand the thought of a rotling accidentally grazing them on the street. That and they were probably memorizing the path to the shop if they needed to get back there again.
As Mud and the virtue approached the shop in the darkness of night, he could faintly make up three sets of eyes watching out the shop window blinds. Mud frantically tried to make small hand movements to tell them to scram without Diligence noticing. Once the virtue came into view, each set of eyes grew wide and disappeared. He could tell he was fucked before they disappeared. The one's belonging to Ken had exploded white with rage. He could practically feel the vibrations of Ken barely restraining the beating he would give Mud the moment he walked in the door. Mud stopped in front of the door and turned to the virtue.
“Well this is it! My humble abode.” Mud shrugged. He knew Diligence was probably disgusted by the sight of him working inside an alive whale.
“You work and live in the same place?”
“Yep.”
“That's a conflict of interest and inefficient for mental productivity. Which affects your job outcome in the long run.” Diligence presented the facts, before seemingly becoming enraged at the lack of efficient work environment. “Is your boss a fucking moron?!”
“Heh, I mean I wouldn't call my brother that.”
“Oh, I've got some colorful words to call him-” Diligence reached for the shop handle threateningly before Mud blocked them with his body. He waved his arms about frantically.
“Not tonight! Ya never meet family on the first date! It comes off as too quick and desperate!” Mud said whatever excuse came to mind at the moment. The minute Diligence stepped through this door he knew Ken was going to flatten them into sheet metal. He couldn't place why the thought of Ken flattening the virtue disturbed him.
“But you were going to fuck me on the first date?” The virtue cocked their head to the side questioningly. Mud could feel Ken's rage become super charged from behind the door.
“That's me being a sleazeball. This is not the same. Just trust me on this. Hey, maybe do some research on dating etiquette before yer next visit, steel beam. Calling yer date's brother a fucking moron isn't in the rulebook.”
“Don't tell me to do research, fleabag. I'll know more about dating than you will and I'll be better at it!” The virtue fumed at the idea of being insignificant to Mud in any way. “Research, tch. I bet you got half your shit from those fake fucking porno vids.” The virtue stabbed at Mud's chest accusingly.
“Hey! If the advice worked it's not fake now is it, ya cheap copper nail?!” Mud gawked, offended by Diligence's accurate assessment of his character.
“Try not to sleep with one hand busy tonight, fucking parasite.” The virtue waved as they left, retreating down the dimly lit street and back to the confines of their drab, sterile prison.
No sooner did Mud open the door a crack, did Ken's giant hands pull him inside. His fingers leaving marks that would surely bruise. He loomed over him menacingly in the dimly lit shop.
“A date… WITH DILIGENCE?!” Ken exploded, blood vessels bursting with rage. If it weren't for his hands gripping Mud's shoulders, Mud would have been afraid he was going to reach for his cleaver.
“Hey don't take it up with me, take it up with Mel! I didn't know either! I nearly fuckin’ shit bricks when that bitch was tearin’ through the warehouse door!” Mud's eyes met Ken's defiantly as he puffed up and grimaced in Ken's face. His eyes searched around the room for the cause of his problems but of course Mel was nowhere to be found in the shop.
“Mud you can't be bringing a fucking virtue to the shop! You're going to scare away all of the customers!” Ken let go of Mud to wave around, gesturing to the closed restaurant.
“I know, Ken! Why do ya think I told them to fuck off?!” Mud raised his shoulders in defense.
“Well from what I heard through the door! You not only scored one date with the virtue, but have them CONSIDERING A SECOND!!” Ken counted one and then a second finger, showcasing the number to Mud who scowled in response.
“Tch, please. I don't think they'll be coming back around for a while. Once they hear all the uproar and gossip a simple visit to the gaslight district gets, they won't be back.” Mud lit a cigarette and stuck it in his mouth. Ken sighed and leaned on the counter in front of him. He turned to look at Mud, eyes pleading and desperate.
“Did they at least like the food?”
“You betcha. Wasn't even a question. Practically licked the plate clean.”
“Good.” Ken sighed and his shoulders relaxed. “That's good for business.”
[-------]
Mud sighed as he faced the meat hook he would be returning to. The cold froze his liquid solid as he threw himself up onto the hook. It was painful, but his back had grown tougher to accommodate. Curled up shivering on the metal hook, Mud couldn't help but let his mind wander back to the virtue. He could imagine the warmth of overclocked machinery humming beneath cold metal plating enveloping him. Their steel arms wrapping around him to warm him to his very bones. Their hands…
“So…”
“Ah!” Mud jolted on the hook, flinching as a rush of searing pain echoed down his back and up his head.
“How was it?” Mel asked, sitting criss crossed on a frozen crate. Her face splitting at the seams with glee.
“It was fine. Ya know, when they weren't trying to kill me for baiting them on a date without telling them it was a date.” Mud stuck his tongue out at Mel childishly.
“Well they don't seem too pissed off from what I heard through the door. Fucking on the first date? Scoring a second one? You're a nastier dog than I thought.” Mel giggled, watching her Uncle sputter for a second.
“Oi what does that mean?! I've said it before and I'll say it again, I get around! Looks can be deceiving, y’know.” Mud jutted his jaw out before retreating back into the little warmth his coat offered. Mel waved a DVD in front of his face. The same one she had stolen before.
“For your… research?”
“Tch, keep it. I've learned how outdated it is.”
“What'd I say? Better than a DVD!” Mel cackled and retreated out of the freezer, door slamming shut behind her.
“At least a DVD doesn't try to gut me like a bloody fish!” Mud yelled after her, despite knowing the freezer would have swallowed the sound.
[-------]
Diligence stalked down the halls, furious. The Angel Mother had ripped him a new one for turning up empty handed yet again. It was only the promise of them having a real lead and their plan to befriend the nephilim's caretakers that kept them from being… demoted from virtue.
“Welcome back sir! How did it g-” the rotling didn't manage to finish getting the words out of his mouth before being beaten into a bloody pulp by the virtue. Diligence spun around to face the other guards who immediately turned and walked the other way. Sometimes a little show of brute force went a long way when it came to securing the rest of their evening to themself.
Diligence reported back to their office and prepared to write up a report detailing their findings. The pen paused, hovering over the paper. How the fuck were they supposed to put,”showed up to recover nephilim, went on a date, seduced a potential informant, was seduced by potential informant, was seen in broad moonlight with them” in professional words?