Chapter Text
"Connor! Connor wait!" Evan screamed while grabbing onto the back of Connor's hoodie. Connor tried to break away from Evan's grip, but when he turned around, he was surprised to see the shorter male with tears running down his cheeks. He was still talking and running his mouth about something that Connor couldn't understand since he was talking too fast.
"Hansen." Connor said while placing a firm grip on Evan's shoulders as he kept sputtering out what sounded like nonsense.
"Hansen!" He shouted, causing Evan to flinch and shut up instantly.
"Y-yes?" Evan asked, his voice getting smaller.
"Calm. The fuck. Down." Connor said slowly.
"R-right, right. Sorry, it's j-just that I h-have a tendency to ramble and I just really need that letter back, so if you could please j-just-"
"Give me one good fucking reason why I should give it to you, when all you're gonna do is try to make me look like I'm crazy? Huh?" Connor said, feeling his blood boiling.
"I can't even order delivery..." Evan said, his voice getting quiet again as he looked down, letting go of Connor's hoodie. To Connor, this made no sense, and he was losing whatever little patience he had at this moment.
"What the fuck does that mean?" Connor sneered. There was silence for a moment. Evan stayed quiet.
"I'm giving you a chance, Hansen, so you better start talking before I throw you out the window for wasting my time."
"Anxiety." Evan whispered.
"What?"
"I have s-severe anxiety. I-I wait around at home eating-eating cereal while my mom's at work because I can't e-even order a pizza." Evan said a little louder and then took a deep breath after he finished speaking. Connor had heard that something like that could get bad, but he didn't know just how bad some people had it.
Connor let go of Evan's shoulders and stuck his hands into his pockets.
"You have my attention. Continue."
Evan looked up at Connor, a little surprised to find him still listening.
"Well?" Connor urged half heartedly.
"T-the letter that you have, it's something my therapist has me d-do. 'Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day, and here's why.' At least, that's how it's supposed to be. I-I can't exactly see the bright of things as much as I wish I could. I have to take a medication just so I don't end up hyperventilating while standing with a tray in the cafeteria. I've had a huge crush on this girl who seems to be the only reason why I want to try to get better. Hell, I've even been lying about how I fell out of a tree." Evan laughed silently and sadly at that last part.
"How'd you do it?" Connor asked, sincerely intrigued this time.
"E-excuse me?"
"Your arm and the tree."
Evan got quiet again, but this time, Connor gave him time to speak.
"What's the usual reason why someone with tons of problems would go to the highest place they can get to?"
This time, it was Connor's turn to go quiet.
"W-well, in my thoughts, it's so they can let go. In my case, I let go of the branch when I reached the top."
Connor was not expecting that. Here's this guy that he actually has a lot of things in common with. Hell, Connor was thinking of offing himself sometime soon, but there was something different about this guy. It almost made him wish he could stick around. After all, he's probably the only guy who could understand.
Thinking about it made Connor's heart race. It was a natural high, and it was better than the crap that he smokes in his room. He actually feels alive.
There was a long moment of silence that they both shared. It was pleasant, and was only interrupted whenever Evan sniffled.
"I'm glad." Connor thought out loud.
"Huh?"
"I got to sign your cast instead of having to sign a family card to send to your funeral."
"Oh, yeah. I-I'm glad too." Evan said hurriedly.
Connor took this moment to look the sandy haired boy up and down. He was handsome, but he gave an atmosphere that practically yelled 'awkward' and 'uncomfortable'. All in all though, he wasn't half bad to look at or be around. His nervousness and mumbling was both annoying, yet endearing.
"I-I don't think you're a freak. You're actually a lot nicer than how you come off." Evan said with a nervous chuckle. Connor felt his cheeks getting warm, something that hasn't happened in a long time.
"Thanks." He said with a small laugh.
"So, can I have my letter back? I kinda n-need it for today." Evan said sheepishly. Suddenly, Connor was looking at Evan with a whole new set of eyes. His heart beat was a little faster, and he had a sudden urge to protect this guy.
"Sure." He said as he was about to hand it to Evan.
"And please don't tell Zoe?"
That was it. Connor pulled the paper out of Evan's reach. He had forgotten about Zoe. Evan's crush on the annoying brat that sends him to hell every day and who treats him like a villain.
Suddenly, a million things were running through Connor's head.
'What if she manipulates Evan into treating him the way she treats him?'
'What if she ends up treating Evan the way he gets treated?'
'What does he even see in her?'
"C-Conner?" Evan asked hesitantly. Conner looks Evan in the eyes before giving a smirk.
"Hm?"
"My letter?" Evan reminded him.
"Ohh~ Right. Your letter. I dunno." Connor said, swaying back and forward on his heels. He quickly devised a plan in his head, which probably meant that his high was dying down.
"Y-you said I could have it back." Evan reminded, nervousness lacing his voice.
"True, but I think I need a fair trade." He said, getting closer to Evan.
"Fair trade?" Evan asked, confused. He was very aware of how close Connor was getting to him and he was starting to feel self conscious.
Connor tilted Evan's chin up with one of his hands, leaving it there to keep the nervous boy from looking away.
"What kind of t-t-trade?" Evan asked, feeling like he knew the answer.
"Kiss me." Connor said, straight to the point.
"B-but I l-like Zoe. Plus you and I are-"
"Do you want your letter, yes or no?"
"Y-yes."
"And we don't want Zoe to find out about your little crush now, do we?"
"No." Evan replied quietly.
"Sounds like a fair trade to me then." Connor said in a whisper as he got closer to Evan's face.
"B-but, I still like Zoe-"
"Then you fell for the wrong Murphy, now kiss me." Connor said, not waiting for a response before crashing his lips against Evan's.
Evan had no idea what to do, and all he could focus on was the rough lips against his own. His first kiss. Connor pulled away slightly.
"Close your eyes and kiss me back." He spoke quietly and quickly, moving his hands to Evan's back, one traveling to the back of his neck.
Evan did as Connor said, closing his eyes and kissing the other boy softly. His hands made their own way onto Connor's chest, feeling his heart racing. He took in a deep breath through his nose and all he could smell was the tangy sweet smell that could only be from the blunt Connor must have been smoking this morning before school.
Evan felt his heart race from both nervousness and the rush of being kissed. While they began to pull apart, Connor grabbed a hold of Evan's bottom lip between his own two lips and gave it a quick but gentle suck, earning a small moan from Evan. Connor was pleased with the noise and so he let go with a popping sound.
They stood there for a moment, both of their faces red, Evan's being the worst of the two. Connor placed the letter into the dazed boy's hand and gave him a sly smile.
"See you around, Hansen." He said before walking away, quietly making a joke in his head about calling Evan 'Handsome Hansen'. Maybe his high hadn't died?
Evan was left in the computer room feeling like he could breath for the first time since he saw Connor running away with the letter. He couldn't comprehend what had just happened. First, there was the letter, then there was Connor, and then there was Connor, and then there was Connor.
To Evan, Connor just suddenly seemed to be the only thing on his mind aside from how embarrassed he was when he had made that noise early.
'Was that the reason why he stopped?' Evan wondered to himself. He then cursed himself for even wondering about that. He quickly made his way out of the computer lab and went through the rest of the day in a daze.
Connor generally hated the idea of messaging anyone from school, but right now he needed help.
cmurphy: beck do u know evan hansen
AlanaB: Connor? OMG! You never message me! And to answer your question, he's a good acquaintance of mine. Why do you ask?
cmurphy: does he have fb or ig
AlanaB: I think I may have him added on Facebook. You're free to add me and look through my friends list to confirm this.
cmurphy: k
cmurphy: ...
cmurphy: thanks i guess
Connor cringed at the sight of his 'thank you' message to Alana. Hopefully she doesn't tell his sister. Last thing he needed was to have the little shit give him crap about him 'pretending' to be nice.
Connor rolled his eyes at the thought and decided to get back to the quest at hand. He typed in Alana's name into the search bar and clicked to request her as a friend. Not surprisingly enough, she accepted the request in the blink of an eye. He quickly then went to the search bar in her friend's list and typed in his name. He smiled to himself when he found what he was looking for.
EvanHansen: Oh my god
EvanHansen: Connor Murphy sent me a friend request
J-ManKleinman: and you're messaging me because???
EvanHansen: I don't know who to message
EvanHansen: I don't know what to do in general actually
J-ManKleinman: ok, just calm your tits. accept his request and find out what he wants. ezpz.
EvanHansen: Okay
Evan nervously accepted the request and received the message that he and Connor were now connected through Messenger. He began typing his message but wasn't sure what to send.
"What's up?" Too casual.
"Is there something you need?" Too straight forward.
"Why did you send me a friend request?" Too mean sounding.
"Did you wanna talk about the ki-" Evan's typing process halted to a stop when he saw Connor message first.
cmurphy: ok since im getting sick of seeing ths 3 dots i'll talk first
EvanHansen: Okay
cmurphy: how'd the thing w/ ur therapist go
EvanHansen: Fine, I guess?
EvanHansen: It was same old, same old
cmurphy: whats same old same old for u
EvanHansen: He talks, I listen, then I talk and he listens
cmurphy: sounds boring
EvanHansen: Yeah, it was
EvanHansen: lol
EvanHansen: ...
cmurphy: what
EvanHansen: I didn't see you the rest of the day at school
EvanHansen: Did you leave early?
cmurphy: u could say tht yes
cmurphy: y
cmurphy: were u thinking of me
Evan froze, staring at his screen.
"Stay calm, Evan. He probably just means if you were worried that something happened to him?" Evan said to himself, out loud.
cmurphy: ;)
'Mayday! Mayday! He meant it in that way!' Evan shouted in his head. He took deep breaths and tried to breath, but why wasn't he feeling any better? He was breathing in. Oh, he forgot to breath out. There, that's better.
EvanHansen: lol
'Shitshitshit!' Was all he could think about. Was it normal to reply to a winky face by saying 'lol'? Was it weird? Would it come off as mean?
cmurphy: so u liked it when i sucked on ur lip huh
EvanHansen: I
EvanHansen: (Sorry, sent it too early) I don't understand what you mean
cmurphy: wow u even say srry through text
cmurphy: lame but cute
cmurphy: i was talking about when we kissed
EvanHansen: Oh
cmurphy: u made a noise when i sucked on your lip
cmurphy: did u rly like it that much?
cmurphy: ;)
EvanHansen: Oh! That I jsut wasn't sure what you were talking about since you know you didn't explain straight forward lol
EvanHansen: Shit, hang on, I made a lot of mistakes, sorry
cmurphy: relax hansen
cmurphy: i was only teasing
EvanHansen: Oh!
EvanHansen: Of course
EvanHansen: lol
cmurphy: i said i was teasing but tht doesnt mean its not true
cmurphy: ;)
EvanHansen: Why are you messaging me?
'Damnit!' Evan shouted in his head as he saw Connor's typing signal disappear and reappear and disappear again. He came off as mean.
EvanHansen: I'm so sorry
EvanHansen: I really didn't mean to come off as mean
EvanHansen: I was just curious
EvanHansen: I'm so so so sorry
Connor looked at the messages and took a deep breath. 'God, this kid is too cute.'
cmurphy: no sweat
cmurphy: i just wanted to get to know u
cmurphy: ur interesting
cmurphy: not in a weird way but in a wow u dont see tht everyday kinda way
EvanHansen: I don't think I understand
EvanHansen: lol
cmurphy: in a good way
cmurphy: i suck at explaining
Evan felt his cheeks turn warm with the compliment. He wasn't even sure why.
EvanHansen: Me too
EvanHansen: I mean that I suck at explaining
EvanHansen: lol
cmurphy: chill hansen ur in good hands lol
EvanHansen: Right
EvanHansen: lol
EvanHansen: Can I ask you a question?
cmurphy: u just did
EvanHansen: Can I ask you about something specific?
cmurphy: yes i have anger issues
cmurphy: yes im depressed
cmurphy: yes i ment to throw that printer in the 2nd grade
cmurphy: yes i paint my nails black and i will fight u if u have something to say about it tht i dont like
EvanHansen: Hang on!
cmurphy: i sware hansen
cmurphy: dont fight me on my nails
EvanHansen: No, I wasn't going to ask any of those questions
EvanHansen: And your nails look cool by the way
EvanHansen: lol
EvanHansen: Not that those aren't important things to know though!
cmurphy: ok whats up
EvanHansen: Why did you um....
EvanHansen: You know?
Connor smirked at the messages he was reading.
cmurphy: what
EvanHansen: You know?
EvanHansen: Today?
EvanHansen: In the computer lab?
cmurphy: what did i do hansen
cmurphy: enlighten me
cmurphy: what r u trying to ask
EvanHansen: You know!
EvanHansen: That!
cmurphy: i dont bite hansen
cmurphy: well
cmurphy: unless u want me to
cmurphy: ;)
EvanHansen: THE KISS!
EvanHansen: Sorry for the caps!
cmurphy: what about it
EvanHansen: Why did you kiss me?
cmurphy: i felt like it
cmurphy: i told u y
EvanHansen: Yeah, you said it was an even trade
cmurphy: and it was
cmurphy: done deal
cmurphy: but
EvanHansen: What?
cmurphy: i could go for another hansen kiss
cmurphy: hey hansen
cmurphy: do u wanna know what im doing right now
EvanHansen: Uh, sure?
cmurphy: at least try to sound enthusiastic
cmurphy: it turns me on ;)
EvanHansen: Do you like me?
cmurphy: buzz kill
cmurphy: i was going to tell u tht im just lying down on my bed
cmurphy: thinking of u
If Evan wasn't blushing before (which he was) he's definitely blushing now. Maybe even a whole new level of blush.
EvanHansen: Really?
cmurphy: yea
cmurphy: im rubbing my nipples and moaning ur name
cmurphy: ;)
EvanHansen: !!??
cmurphy: relax im kidding
cmurphy: but i was for real about tht kiss
cmurphy: i could go for another 1
cmurphy: night hansen ;)
Before Evan could get a chance to message back, the online signal for Connor switched to offline. Evan then realized that he was kind of also hyperventilating. He just couldn't make any sense of this situation. Why was Connor behaving this way towards him all of a sudden? Maybe he was just high? Was he really joking about doing that kind of stuff while thinking about him? This whole thing sent Evan into a dizzy haze, so he typed out a quick 'good night' before turning off his light and trying to get some sleep.
"I must be high or something." Connor laughed slightly to himself as he lied in bed, bringing his hands to his chest thinking it wouldn't be such a bad idea to try out something new, even if it started as a joke.
What started out as a joke to Connor turned into his mind thinking of what it would be like to have Evan right there, right now. What it would be like to have Evan running his hands up and down his body. The thought alone made him shudder as he performed the action on his own.
Connor jumped slightly at the sound of his notification going off. He quickly turned over to his side to check.
EvanHansen: Good night and sleep well
He shoved his phone under his pillow and resumed his fantasies. 'Why does he have to make this so hard?' Connor thought to himself. Before long, he was doing exactly what his message to Evan had said, moaning and all. He laughed to himself a little as he was catching his breath thinking, maybe he should include how he was left panting and begging Evan for more in his little fantasy. He was ready to go to sleep until one last thing popped into his head.
Evan had asked him if he liked him and he was able do dodge the question pretty well even though he was high. Wait, was he high? He couldn't even remember. He's not even sure what his feelings towards Evan are. Maybe he does like him? The thought alone made him laugh. He wasted no time falling asleep after giving himself a mental hi-five for his accomplishments today.