Chapter Text
Laying silently on her side, Regina watched Emma’s chest rise and fall as her breath ghosted over her face ever so slightly. The sun had set long ago, but Regina hadn’t paid attention to it, nor could she bring herself to wake Emma, despite the numbness in the arm she was laying on. The woman had fallen into such a deep sleep that she had barely moved all through the hours. Regina had lain there in the stillness, observing her lover. It was such a rare opportunity to get to do this, to be so close to Emma and not have to look away. She had just lain here on her side, arm curled under her head, eyes tracing every curve of the parts of Emma’s body exposed to her, chasing every line on her smooth but slowly aging face, finding every pale freckle and remnant of zits from times long past. She watched as usually straightened hair dried into messy curls, and revelled in every micro expression that graced Emma’s features. Whatever Emma was dreaming about, it was positive, or neutral at worst, and so Regina just lay there, her dried and bare body just inches from Emma’s, covered by warm blankets and sheltered by the dark.
When Emma finally stirred, Regina smiled involuntarily, reaching out to run the back of her fingers over a warm cheek. Emma tilted her head into her reflexively and groaned as her mind climbed to consciousness. Regina found it adorable how terrible Emma was at waking up from slumber where Regina was always up before the sound of the alarm clock and had not even minded getting up whenever Henry had cried as a baby. Sure, it had tired her out and worn her down, but she had at least managed to awake relatively consciously every time. She wondered how Emma would have fared.
Green eyes opened to a crack and a wet tongue slid out to wet dry lips. Emma blinked and shut her eyes again, scooting closer to Regina, who welcomed her into her arms, running short nail gently over a now exposed bare back. Emma made a sound that was dangerously close to a purr and Regina chuckled quietly, pressing a kiss to mushed blonde hair.
“What time is it?” Emma asked groggily, sliding her own arm under Regina’s and then around her back, attempting to close the gap between them as their legs intertwined. Regina closed her eyes in the face of her overwhelming emotions. How long had she longed for someone to cling to her so instinctively? How long had she been sure it would never happen? She pressed another kiss in Emma’s hair, lingering for a few seconds before twisting her protesting body enough to catch a glimpse of the alarm clock.
“It’s a little past eight PM.” She answered softy. Emma hummed in acknowledgement and settled into her more comfortably as she moved back into the previous position. Regina marvelled at the fact that nearly four hours had passed since they had lain down. If anyone had asked her, she would have told them a little over an hour had passed—at best. It took a few more seconds for Emma’s mind to catch up, but then she launched up like a spring.
“Eight?! You’re joking!” She almost cried out, eyes wide. “Wait—you watched me sleep for like… four hours? Regina that is so…” Emma trailed off as Regina’s face fell in the avalanche of Emma’s onslaught. Regina really hadn’t meant to stare at her for this long… it had just… happened. She hadn’t wanted to move away, and she hadn’t wanted to wake Emma either; so she had just waited for the blonde to awake. Seeing the impact of her outburst, Emma—who didn’t even bother covering up her now exposed chest—softened her face.
“Hey, I didn’t mean that in a bad way. I was just… no one’s ever, you know, done that. With me. Watching me, watching over me? It’s… I like it.” Emma finished, cupping Regina’s chin to bring her eyes up. Regina smiled a bit weakly, hating how easy her confidence fell in the face of any possible rejection from Emma. Although still looking half asleep, Emma seemed to catch on as well. “Thank you.”
“For watching you sleep for four hours?” Regina countered the honest expression with sass she could not keep out of her voice; old defensive mechanisms often died slow and with great difficulty, and this was one of them. In the face of her insecurities, she fell back on old habits. Emma rolled her eyes, seeing right through her without difficulty.
“No…” Emma stressed, “For caring enough to do it.” She added, and Regina felt the tightness around her chest relax enough for her to take a steadying breath. Reigning herself in, she found herself smiling a genuine smile and reached out for Emma, who fell into her arms easily. Laying side by side, Regina tugged a strand of hair behind Emma’s ear and watched her smile at her with an unguarded expression that Regina revelled in.
“You are beautiful.” Regina admitted and Emma blushed in the darkness. This time, she did not hide, though. Having learned her lesson from the first time Regina had told her, she simply grinned.
“Thanks…”
“How are you feeling?” Regina pressed softly, fingers slipping down the soft skin of Emma’s arm until she could interlace their fingers. Emma shrugged, her face instantly becoming more guarded. Regina understood the instinctual reaction to put up walls in the face of one’s emotions and allowed Emma the detachment she needed, simply squeezing her hand once in support.
“We don’t need to talk about it, Emma. I simply wanted to give you the chance to, if you so desire.” She offered and Emma nodded with a terse smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.
“I just wish things were easier somehow. I never thought I’d say this, but I almost wish that I could go back to just worrying about having to explain that I took a girl home with me. No, now the whole same sex thing seems to be a non-issue but I have to explain to my parents that I am sexually and emotionally involved with the Evil Queen.” Emma said with a groan, and Regina laughed, despite the pang of guilt.
“Oh my dear, it’s much worse than that. You are involved with your mother’s step-mother. More so, your mother betrayed my trust when she was still a child and led to the death of the man I loved. In retaliation, I did everything I could to make her life a living hell, including placing a curse on her and her husband that forced them to give you up. Because of this, you grew up not where you have always belonged—at the side of your parents—but moving from foster home to foster home, spiralling until you ended up in jail, forcing you to give up your new-born son, whom I then raised as my own, unaware of his family line.” Regina let go of Emma’s hand as she spoke. She hadn’t meant to bring up one of her biggest regrets and insecurities, but here it was, and she did not want to stop it from coming out of her mouth. There were things—important things—Emma and her constantly avoided, and this was one of them. Still, she had to close her eyes half way through, as she could not bear the look on Emma’s face—a face so close to her that she felt she was betraying their love by even bringing this up.
Emma was silent for a moment, and she didn’t reach out. Regina felt her heart pounding, her throat constricting, and fears of rejection bubbling towards the surface once more. Yet, things were as they were—her past a muddled mess of bad choices which had caused nothing but pain to the woman who had well and truly captured her heart.
“I thought you had no regrets?” Emma asked softly, and then her hand was back, running up Regina’s arm until she could cup her face.
“I don’t.” Regina admitted softly, struggling to find the courage to open her eyes, because the dark of her sealed eyelids was conjuring forth images far worse than reality could possibly provide. She swallowed.
“I don’t regret what I did. What I told Peter Pan was the truth—it got me Henry, and for him, I would do anything. I also have no regret because I cannot undo what has happened. All I can do is carry the burden of my deeds. I may have no regret, but I do feel the guilt, weighing down on me like the weight of the heavens. I feel guilt over everyone I have hurt and the longer I am with you, the more I wish to undo some of that damage.” Regina finally opened her eyes to find a tearful Emma watching her with an undecipherable expression. It wasn’t a negative one, however, so she swallowed and managed to croak out the thing that she had been holding in for months now.
“I am so sorry I cost you your childhood with your parents that—” She was cut off by Emma’s lips on her, warm and a little forceful, urging her to be quiet. She wanted to pull away, but the desire was drowned out by the redemption offered in a single kiss placed upon her lips in deep darkness that obscured everything beyond a curtain of blonde. Emma pulled away and lay down even closer to her if at all possible. Every breath ghosted over her mouth now, and their noses touched whenever one of them shifted. Regina didn’t know what to say or how to act; this limbo after a single kiss with no explanation was scarier than coming out and speaking the words.
“I have a million and one things I regret in my life. Not being able to grow up with my parents is one of those things. I was never angry with you for that, though. Although I wanted to, I wasn’t ever angry with my parents for that either. I grew up on the fairy tales written about you all; not so much at home—whenever I had one—but I had a teacher a lot like Mary Margaret once, who gave me fairy tale books to read, one at a time, until I had read the whole series. I grew up with Evil Queens—” Emma’s arm wrapped around her and pulled her to her a bit more, just to soften the blow. In the silence of the dark room, Emma’s soft voice continued on, hurrying to make her point, as Regina grew more and more uncomfortable—and guilt-ridden.
“…and good princesses and I learned that the world was black and write, good and evil, and I was mad at my parents—my real parents—because they had given me up. Yet, when I found out who my parents were, I realized I had never been mad at them, I had been mad at their circumstances. No, Regina, wait. Don’t go. I know what you’re thinking just… let me finish. I suck at this, so I take forever. Give me time. Please.”
Regina, who had heard just about all she could take right now, settled back down, laying a little further from Emma, but Emma would have none of it. She once again closed in on the brunette and wrapped the arm she had previously wrapped around her in a vice-like grip to keep her in the bed around her in a much softer way.
“When I had to give up Henry, I thought about my parents a lot, and I wondered if my mother had felt the way I did—full of shame and guilt, and just… awful. When I met Mary Margaret and found out she hadn’t because of the curse, I was grateful for that, although I know she is struggling with it now. I—God, I’m sorry, I’m trying to make a point okay? I’ll get there…” Emma scoffed at herself and instinctively, Regina reached out pressed the flat of her hand gently against Emma’s cheek for a moment.
“Take your time,” she whispered. Emma smiled weakly.
“Okay, so, point. You got hurt, very hurt, and you did something terrible—not judging, just… you know… it got pretty bad. But… and I know I don’t have all the information and all, but… I don’t think you would have reacted the way you did if it wasn’t for everything that had already happened. I think you grew up in a horrible home, and then you were forced to marry against your will and then Daniel… I just… The point is that I realize the world isn’t black and white, good and evil. Everything is a shade of grey, made up of everything that came before it and you got a crappy lot in life. And so did I, but I don’t blame you for that any more than I blame my parents. We were all caught in the circumstances and—you’re right—it got us Henry. And now it got me you. And I don’t care what Mary Margaret thinks about that because I love you and I meant it when I said I forgive you for what happened. Thank you for saying sorry—it means a lot—but you can let go of that guilt, as least as far as I’m concerned. I just want you to love me now, and for me to love you. I want to raise Henry with you, like a family, and you know—have our shot at a happy ending. Together. And now I need you to stop me from talking, because I’m making a fool of myself and I feel like a complete idiot because I should have just said ‘thank you for taking responsibility for what you did, but it wasn’t your fault and in the end it all worked out’, and left it at that—”
This time it was Regina’s turn to mercifully cut off Emma’s speech with a forceful kiss. Emma’s voice died out under the soft press of her lips and Regina cupped her face again, pressing the two of them together tightly as she gave up trying to dissect the swirl of emotions inside her chest. The only ones she could easily pick out were relief and gratitude, everything else was a huge, confusing, blur built up over many, many years and collapsing under the weight of forgiveness. Emma hummed in the kiss, and Regina let her hand slide down to pull her tightly against her, revelling in the feeling of soft and warm skin against hers. Emma’s hand traced patterns on her back, and Regina lost herself in a an unhurried kiss that never escalated into sexual. It was a nice change of pace for them, and reaffirmed the rightness of them together.
They kissed for several long moments, and then broke apart with a shared smile, resting together a little longer, breathing in each other’s exhaled breaths until Emma’s stomach growled loudly in the stillness, fracturing the moment and causing a laugh to escape both women.
“I think at least one of us is hungry” Regina said with a smirked and Emma grinned sheepishly.
“That would be me. I would give an arm and a leg for a good burger right now. Would it be weird to order Granny’s from your place?” Emma asked and Regina smirked. That was never going to happen. Real food—the best food—was made at home, with fresh ingredients.
“Why don’t I make you a burger, my dear?” She offered and Emma’s eyes widened.
“You would do that?” She asked incredulously, and it took Regina a moment to realize she wasn’t actually joking—that Emma was truly in awe with her offer to make her a burger. Regina fought the urge to roll her eyes.
“I had heard that the way to a lover’s heart was through their stomach, but this is a bit much. Yes, I will make you a burger, and I will have you know that although Henry will never admit this in front of Granny Lucas, he is adamant mine are better than hers. Now, get dressed and I’ll make you the best burger you have ever tasted.” Regina chastised with a grin on her face.
In a move that reminded Regina so much of Henry she could not fight the smile that overtook her, Emma pulled away and bounded off of the bed in such a hurry, she almost fell flat on her face. She was half way into her underwear before calling out ‘I’m okay’, and by the time Regina had stepped out of bed, Emma had already wiggled back into her jeans. Thankfully, it took Emma a short while to find her bra—it had disappeared under the bed—giving Regina time to slip on her own underwear, fasten her bra and slide into comfortable slacks and a dark red blouse that she fastened as Emma slid her shirt over her head. On bare feet, both women headed out of the bedroom, Emma ahead of her, still as excited as a child on Christmas morning with the promised burger in mind.
Regina loved seeing this side of Emma; care-free, a tad childish, and completely unguarded. It was a rare sight, and Regina appreciated the opportunity to see it. Emma slid onto a seat at the kitchen counter as Regina headed to the freezer, taking out two carefully wrapped packages of previously made dough. She unwrapped them, placed them in the microwave and set it to defrost before turning on the oven. As Emma watched, she pulled a few potatoes from a container in the storage closet and begun to peel them as Emma watched, completely spellbound. Regina handled the potatoes expertly, and had them cut into thin fries, oiled up, and in a baking tray with dried rosemary and salt before the microwave pinged to indicate the dough was defrosted. Regina put the tray into the oven and took out the balls of dough. She threw a little flour on the kitchen counter before her and rolled the balls through it, kneading both separately to get a little air back into them before rolling them into puffy balls again and placing them in the oven on half a sheet of baking paper. All the while, Emma hadn’t said a word, just watched her work the ingredients.
“Emma, honey, you are looking like you have never seen someone cook a meal.” Regina chastised completely without malice. While the experience was unfamiliar, it was certainly not unwelcome to be watched and appreciated for her kitchen skills—Regina prided herself on those, after all.
“I haven’t, really, not like this.” Emma admitted. “It’s kind of hot.” She added and Regina glared at her.
“Mind out of the gutter, Miss Swan.” She sassed, but Emma just grinned wildly as Regina took out a packet of ground beef from the fridge—meat that she had planned to use in tomorrow’s lasagne—and unwrapped the paper the butcher had carefully folded it in. “Besides, I thought you were hungry?” She asked.
“I am, the two don’t interfere with each other.” Emma countered easily, and now Regina did not fight the eye roll that Emma brought forth in her. Instead of replying, she scooped half of the meat into a mixing bowl, added a variety of herbs and spices to it, and chopped up a small onion with such skill, Emma uttered a tiny ‘wow’ under her breath. She added the finely chopped vegetable to the meat before adding an egg and a measure of bread crumbs. She carefully took off her jewellery before digging into the mixture. In the end, she ended up with two beautiful paddies, ready to be cooked in the pan already set out on the fire with a small dash of olive oil in it.
Emma had lowered her head onto her hands and was watching her cook with such an expression of blissful love, Regina blushed. She wasn’t used to quite this level of attention focussed on her; Henry watched her cook sometimes but that was always more with quiet annoyance at his meal not being ready yet. This was completely different, and she hoped she never got used to it.
Cutting up a few mushrooms and another onion, she threw them in the pan first, letting them simmer as she tossed the fries and turned over the buns. Closing the oven again, she added the patties to the pan before cleaning off the counter and setting out two plates. On a chopping board, she cut up half a tomato, cut off some cucumber slices, cut up pickles and washed off two leaves of lettuce. Setting all of this aside, she turned the patties, tossed the onion rings and mushrooms, and set the pan down again as she pulled the buns from the oven. The routine in cooking came so easily to her, she quirked an eyebrow at Emma’s bemused and slightly baffled expression.
“I am nothing if not organized.” She said in her defence and Emma grinned widely.
“Being Mayor must have suited you well.” Emma answered and Regina nodded.
“It came easily and I enjoyed it very much,” she admitted and sighed. She missed being Mayor—missed being useful. Spending so much time at home where she only got to show off her skills on very rare occasions felt like a waste of her abilities. Yet, there was nothing she could do now. Mary Margaret was aware of Regina’s affair with her daughter, and she would sure be less inclined to give Regina any responsibilities in ensuring the welfare of the town than more so. Regina had resigned herself to the fact that she would most likely only ever rule over her own home, but it did not stop her from hoping the situation would ever change.
Preparing the meal took only a few more minutes. She inquired about the sauces Emma would like with her meal and ended up setting out every single one she owned because Emma’s list included almost every one of them and even some she did not have. Emma assured her the ones she did have would do just fine, and Regina groaned. She really hadn’t felt bad for not owning a bottle of Texas Rib sauce—especially because she was serving burgers, not ribs.
In the end, she put up a fluffy hot bun with lettuce, a juicy patty, tomatoes, cucumber, pickles, onion rings, and mushrooms, and a healthy serving of fries. By the time she put the cap of the bun on the heavily topped lower half, Emma was bouncing on her chair.
“God, Regina… this smells so good!” The blonde complimented before she had even gotten her hands on the food in question. Regina smiled happily, very pleased with herself for being able to provide the desired meal to her partner.
“Dig in, please. It’s best when just put up. Normally I would give you a knife and fork but I am aware burgers are to be eaten from the hand so go right ahead.” Regina said, taking a knife to her bun all the same, cutting it into quarters for easy consumption. Emma had no such desire. She loaded up the bun with sauces and took it into both her hands. Opening her mouth wide, she dug her teeth into the crunchy bread and bit down with a sultry moan that did things to Regina she had no intention of admitting to the Sheriff sitting across from her in the kitchen. She secretly watched as Emma’s eyes closed and she chewed happily, letting the food travel through her mouth to hit all her taste buds. Regina noted how similarly Emma reacted to good food and good sex, and grinned, hiding the expression by taking a much smaller bite.
“Fuck, this is fantastic!” Emma sputtered around a half full mouth of food. Regina inwardly smirked at herself for not wanting to correct her companion on her table manners as she watched her enjoy the meal put out for her with such unabashed enthusiasm.
“You have forever spoiled me for burgers. This is like… heaven on a bun, except the bun is part of heaven.” Emma took another blissful bite as Regina dipped a fry in ketchup and nibbled on it with a grin that she simply could not wipe off of her face. Emma enjoying her food was simply too good not to watch, or feel touched by. It was such a wonderful display of open affection that Regina even took care not to breath too loud, lest she disturb the scene in front of her.
“I am very happy you enjoy it.” She whispered softly, and silently slid her jewellery back on as Emma took another bite—accompanied by another moan. Regina ate silently, eyes on her companion who didn’t wolf down her food like she usually did, but savoured every bite. This small fact was not lost on Regina, who was carefully eating through most of the burger and half the fries before giving up. In the end, Emma finished both plates before leaning back in her chair, rubbing her stuffed belly and grinning like a fool. Regina couldn’t help but smile back at the display and marvel at her fortune for having this woman in her life.
“Why don’t you retire to the den? I’ll put the dishes away and join you in a few minutes.” Emma narrowed her eyes, gauging if she could actually get away with not cleaning up and Regina shooed her off with a laugh. “Go!”
“Thanks.” Emma said weakly as she hopped off of the stool with a groan and waddled off through the house, leaving a bemused Regina behind to put the dishes away in the dish washer. She rinsed everything off and decided to just run the program tomorrow when she had collected a bit more dishes to run. Kicking the door shut, she fetched herself a glass of wine and Emma a beer before joining her in the den. Emma way lying on the couch, eyes closed, hand still rubbing her full belly. She had turned on a few small lights, leaving the room cosy and relaxed.
“I can get you something else, but I have a beer for you.” She announced and Emma’s beautiful green eyes settled on her. As always, her heart skipped a beat, especially when Emma smiled lazily.
“Thanks. Table, please?” Emma instructed and Regina nodded, setting both beverages down on the side table where they were promptly forgotten. She moved off to the fireplace, feeling along the edge of it to locate the ‘on’-switch. The fire lighting easily and effortlessly, casting a warm glow over the room and spreading a gentle warmth in the slightly chilly room. She debated herself for a second but then stepped over to the couch to join Emma.
“Lift your head,” she instructed, which Emma did with a groan. She slid herself under Emma’s head and Emma laid it back down again with a content hum. Regina’s left hand found Emma’s hair and her right took over for Emma on her belly, massaging the food down with skilful motions she had acquired through many nights of stomach cramps with Henry—who was equally clueless about the limits of the human stomach as his mother.
“Are you sorry about those last few fries now?” Regina inquired and Emma grinned.
“Nope.” She answered and Regina smiled despite herself. Adorable.
These were the last words between them for a long while. The silence offered both of them a chance to catch up with their situation and revel in the rightness of it. Regina especially found it unbelievable how easy it was to learn to love again. After Daniel, she had thought she would never love anyone ever again. His death had hurt too much, as had her hope of his resurrection. King Leopold did not even come near the list of people she had loved in her life, and of all the deaths she had caused, this was the sole one she did not feel guilty about. She could still feel the weight of him on her, his beard rasping across her cheek as she fought her cries at the onslaught of his desires. No, she had wanted him dead with all of her being, and wished she could wash away the shame and pain of countless nights in his possession. There was only one other who met the criteria; Graham. She had cared for Graham—another stab of guilt—but she had never loved him. He had offered her desire, and she had accepted it because she had been lonely. They had stopped for a while because of Henry, but she had invited him into her bed again once her son had turned away from her. His rejection had cut deep enough to find a balm for it in the arms of a man she came to resent for needing, and when he had started to remember it had been the excuse she had needed to end it—end him. No, she was not proud of her actions concerning Graham, but between her feelings for Emma at the time, his involvement with her, the betrayal of the only person Regina had dared to be intimate with in Storybrooke, and his returning memories, she had seen no other way out—no other way to delay the inevitable. She swallowed heavily and pushed the thoughts away, clearing her mind of anything but the feeling of Emma's head on her lap and the blonde's stomach rumbling gently under her warm hand.
A soft sound chased off the comfortable silence after a few minutes, and Regina was pleasantly surprised to find she was making it; she was humming again. Soft tunes of a jazzy ensemble she owned the CD of. It was an easy tune, and it fell off of her lips easily enough. On her lap, Emma smiled, eyes still closed, and reached for the hand on her belly, trapping it there as she ran long fingers over the back of it. Regina sighed before resuming the soft tones that fell from her lips. As the fire crackled softly in the near darkness and Emma gently tapped her foot to the rhythm of her song, Regina realized she had never felt so at home anywhere and with anyone in her life, and never as loved.