Chapter Text
When Levi was in fifth grade, a girl asked him out on a date.
Her name was Petra. She stood a good few inches shorter than him, a small relief when most of his classmates already seemed to tower over him. Her dirty blond hair fell to her shoulders in waves, and her eyes were a warm honey-brown. Pretty and popular among the boys in the class. After school, she approached Levi with a shy smile and invited him to a new movie that was playing. Aware of the jealous glares but not knowing what else to do, he accepted.
That Saturday, his Uncle Kenny drove him to the theater and dropped him off. Confused, Levi asked him why he wasn’t coming with them. Kenny replied with a dry chuckle, a shake of the head, and a push through the door. Petra stood there in a yellow sundress, her hair neatly combed, grinning as she caught sight of Levi.
“It’s just us? Where’re your parents?” Levi asked, glancing around. Petra furrowed her brows and giggled.
“‘Course it’s just us, it’s a date, silly.” With that, she grabbed his wrist and they ran to the concessions booth.
The movie was a lame romcom, and Levi found himself getting bored less than halfway through. He looked around the theater, not surprised at all the couples, but at the way they were acting: cuddled up against each other, fingers intertwined. One girl rested her head on her boyfriend’s shoulder, occasionally giving him a loving look. In return, he’d stroke her hand with his own and kiss her on the top of the head. Levi stared from a few seats over, watching with fascination as they leaned against one another in such comfort, such reliance…
A gasp from Petra forced his eyes back to the screen. The two main characters had apparently reunited and were embracing. Levi didn’t look away as their lips met, arms wrapped around each other. He looked at the couple in the theater to see them smiling, then at Petra to see her blushing. Curiously, he rested his hand on top of hers, imitating the others. She flinched and glanced at him before flushing even more and leaning her weight into his. He expected to feel happy, but her body felt awkward at his side and his hand felt too clammy to be covering hers. He didn’t get it.
After the movie ended, while they waited to be picked up, Petra turned to face him, gazing down sheepishly.
“This was a lot of fun, Levi,” she said, lifting her head to meet his gaze. “Really romantic. I hope we can do it again someday.”
Levi noticed the way she was leaning in, and he froze in place. Petra closed her eyes and pecked him swiftly on the lips before pulling back, face beet-red. Levi wrinkled his nose and wiped his hand across his mouth, uncaring of her reaction. It was gross. He really didn’t get it.
At dinner that night, Levi watched what was playing on TV. His uncle had the channel set to some teen romance. His food lay untouched as he tried to understand the touches, the looks, the craze behind those feelings.
“What’s eating ya, kiddo?” Kenny asked. Levi met his eyes, watching him set down the beer bottle.
“Why do people care so much about that?” He pointed at the TV. A boy and a girl were in the process of sucking each other’s faces.
“What, the lovey-dovey shit? Beats me. Prolly human instinct or somethin’ like that.” He grasped the bottle and took a gulp before sighing and setting it down again. “Why, you still thinking about your little date?”
Levi nodded. “She kissed me. It… wasn’t awful, I guess. Kinda gross, though. And I didn’t even ask her to.”
“Ha! Nobody asks anymore, kid. If you want something, you gotta go for it. That’s how all this romance shit works now.”
“But it didn’t feel right.” Weren’t couples supposed to want each other? On TV, in the movies, on the streets, all the couples he saw looked like they only cared about each other. Wasn’t it supposed to be like that?
“Then wait for the right person. You’ll find ‘em.”
“You never did.”
“Shut the hell up. You’ll find ‘em unless you wanna end up old and alone like me, haha.”
***
Petra went to a different middle school, so Levi didn’t see her again. He couldn’t say he wasn’t relieved. Still, he couldn’t escape the trailers for romance movies, the ads for dating sites, the clasped hands and attached lips that seemed to surround him. Each day, something new seemed to mock him. He watched enviously from the sidelines as people fell in and out of love, aching to know that experience, to just be a normal person.
The kids at school ignored him for the most part. His short stature remained with him, so he adopted a callous attitude to avoid any taunting. He didn’t know how to walk up to someone and become their friend. He didn’t know how to socialize. During lunch, he sat by himself in the hallway, staring down at his ripped jeans and tattered shoes. The isolation felt cold and heavy, sitting like a rock in his gut. Whenever he caught a glimpse of those couples, his chest began to hurt with a deep longing to just understand that warm feeling.
On a trip to the library to pick up a history book, he found a novel in the romance section that was different from the rest. Its cover art was dark and foreboding, and as he skimmed the blurb on the back, words like “stalker” and “obsessed” stood out. He checked it out and read it at home. It was a tale of a man so in love, he had no choice but to hurt the object of his desires to get what he wanted.
Inexplicably drawn to the story, it became Levi’s favorite.
***
Levi remembered the day it happened, the first time he felt this feeling years later. He wrote the date on a slip of paper and taped it to his wall.
He was eating his typical lunch of a ham sandwich in his typical hallway when he heard shouting outside. It wasn’t too unexpected, since there were tables out there and some students chose to eat at them. Still, this voice was certainly that of an adult, and he found himself standing up, lunch in hand, and walking out the door.
Apparently, others had the same idea. A small crowd stood some feet back from where the teacher yelled up at the roof. He followed their gazes, eyes crawling up the wall to see…
There was a boy eating lunch on the roof. Levi squinted to get a better look, seeing the tan legs dangling off the edge, the pale green T-shirt hanging loosely from the boy’s frame, the blurry outlines of a bowl and a hand raising a spoon to a mouth.
“Jaeger! Get down from there! Students are not allowed on the roof!”
The boy ate one last spoonful before lowering his bowl and leaning out over the edge of the building. Levi saw the crowd tense. Jaeger cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted back down to the teacher.
“Alright, alright, I’ll be down in a sec!”
Levi stared at him as he rose to his feet, arms lifting above his head as he stretched. Against the bright blue sky, he stood confidently and without a hurry. His head turned as he took in the scenery from up high, the sun shining down onto his skin and making him glow.
“Jaeger!”
Jaeger flinched. “I’m coming, I’m coming.”
He mounted a ladder and climbed down. Levi didn’t take his eyes off of him as he reached the ground and approached the crowd. He was not too tall—only a couple inches above Levi himself. Up close, Levi could finally see his face, the smooth skin and fluffy brown hair atop it, and… his eyes. Green with flecks of gold, shining brightly with such powerful light that Levi had never seen before in a person. He stared, the teacher’s words and Jaeger’s replies lost on him, only focusing on those eyes, the beauty in them, the beauty of this person…
All too soon the talk was over and Jaeger was looking away, but just because Levi couldn’t see his eyes anymore didn’t mean he couldn’t gaze at the soft chestnut hair or let his eyes creep down the bared neck to the slim figure to the lean legs, which, he pondered, looked almost like a woman’s in their smoothness.
“Eren!” called a voice in the distance. The boy moved in the direction of the call.
Eren, Levi noted. A very nice name. He tested it out once he was alone, smiling as it rolled right off the tongue. In that moment, he became aware of the pounding of his heart, the rushing of his blood. It was exactly how the movies had shown it, precisely how his favorite book had described it. He wanted proof of this day, proof that he had finally found his person.
Before Eren completely vanished from his view, Levi opened his phone camera, zoomed in, and snapped a photo.