Chapter Text
I hear the soft patter of feet in the hall outside of my bedroom. The beating of my heart speeds up immediately and I take a few quick deep breaths, all in a futile attempt to slow it down, to ensure that it won’t attempt to burst free from my ribcage and make a run for it. She’s coming. The squeaking of my door pierces the otherwise quiet apartment and a sliver of light brightens my previously dark room. I admit defeat and release a deep sigh, knowing that whenever she’s around, there is no hope of getting my heartbeat anywhere close to normal. I move to sit up once I spot fearful brown eyes peeking at me, quite pitifully, but still exceptionally beautiful. A soft smile graces my lips and I push a lock of hair out of my face, simultaneously using the other hand to beckon her forward.
She comes in, face adorned with a smile I am all too familiar with, and closes the door softly behind her. I move over, giving her enough room to squeeze in, and even though I already know why she’s here, I ask her anyway.
“Scary movie?” I ask in a hushed voice, not wanting to break the calm quiet of my room.
She sighs and nods gratefully as I pull the covers over her, encasing us in our own little safe haven, same as I have so many times before. She likes to act all tough and never turns me down when I ask if we can watch a horror movie, no matter how horrific it promises to be, and it never fails to turn her into a quivering mess once the lights go out and we retreat to our individual rooms. Once she can’t handle it on her own anymore, she comes to me and I do my best to to shield her from whatever nightmares her mind may have conjured up.
We lay on our backs, arms touching, just staring up at the ceiling fan as it spins round and round. Nights like these have become a sort of routine for us. She’d come in, we would be quiet for a moment, just to sync up our breathing and bask in the calming presence of the other, and then start a conversation that would last until she fell asleep. A conversation that would oftentimes involved topics that I wasn’t all too comfortable with.
I feel a slight tremble and I instantly look over to see Camila slightly shaking out of fear, but desperately trying to hide it from me. I pout slightly at how adorably scared she looks, feeling bad that I convinced her to watch that scary movie with me. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would admit that I pitched the idea of the movie in hopes that she’d come to my bed, as she always does, seeking comfort. That’s if I’m being honest, which I choose not to be.
“Lauren?” Her soft voice finally makes an appearance, causing a soft smile to automatically pull at my lips.
“Yeah?” I ask, despite knowing exactly what is coming next, mentally preparing myself for it.
“Can we cuddle, please?” She asks me very adorably and really, how can I possibly say no to that. So I say nothing at all, choosing instead to silently open my arms and she immediately latches herself onto me, cuddling up in my side, tucking her head into the crook of my neck and wrapping her dainty arms across my torso, clenching my t-shirt into her fist. It’s moments like this that make me think, albeit wishfully, perhaps she could feel the same way about me as I do her, but then she never fails to say what she’s about to say next and that erases all hope that I naively hold onto.
“So,” She starts, “How’d that date go with the super cute boy in your creative writing class?” She finishes with a little excitement in her voice, while still keeping the quiet ambience in the room. I wait a few seconds before answering, trying to come up with a reasonable answer and not sound too obvious as to why he and I would never work. As I begin to open my mouth to answer, she shifts slightly closer and intertwines her legs with mine, sighing pleasantly in her newly added comfort. All while I want to to squirm in agony at the twisting emotions I have building up inside of me.
I wait a few more moments to try and get my heart at a not so critical rate, before she notices the anxiety I have flowing through me. If she hasn’t already, since she tucked so closely to me, surely she must feel my heart pounding into her side.
I clear my throat, “Um… Well, he’s not exactly my type, Camz. And uh, he came off a bit too clingy for my liking.” I finish with a bit of nervousness evident in my voice. How ironic the excuse I’ve chosen to give, taking into consideration how much I love it when Camila clings to me.
Camila doesn’t respond for a moment, but I can almost feel her eyes rolling, something she does often when she knows I’m bullshitting her. She chooses not to press the matter on creative writing boy, choosing instead to say, “Well, there’s this guy in my chem class, all nerdy and awkward, just how you like them. I think he’d be interested… would you be?”
Her question is met with silence. I don’t have an answer, or better yet I don’t want to answer. I bite my lip nervously, thinking about what I can possibly say that won’t make her more suspicious than she must already be. In moments like these, a part of me wants nothing more than to just come clean about my feelings for her. Feelings that have been growing for so many years now. But then there’s always that all consuming fear that she won’t accept me for who I am and for the way that I can’t help but to feel for her.
“Hey.” She nudges me on the side, shaking me from my thoughts. “You spaced out on me, Laur. I really think you’ll like him. I don’t know why you won’t give these guys a decent chance.” She brings a hand up and lightly, affectionately, knocks on my chin with two of her knuckles, before returning it to my side.
I feel something bubbling up inside of me, something that feels a lot like courage, or maybe it’s just a lot of idiocy. If I tell her, if I confess to her my deepest secret, it may just be the end for our friendship. Or it could possibly be the start of something more between us, something beautiful. Either way, I’m starting to realize that I cannot continue on like this. Having her crawl into my bed at night or hugging me from behind while I make us breakfast in the morning. Stealing sips from my cup of coffee and feeding me bites of her food, even though I have the exact same thing on my plate, just doing it because she want the closeness. It all hurts too much. Loving her like this, having to hide in my room when she brings a guy home, turning up the music that’s not quite loud enough to mask the sounds they make in her room. I can’t keep this up any longer, it isn’t fair to me.
It’s the sound of her voice that breaks my resolve, ‘Seriously, why won’t you-”
“Because I’m in love with you, okay?” I burst out, moving to lift my body up on my elbow, slightly untangling our bodies, not letting her surprised expression deter me, “I keep dating these guys in hopes that these feelings I have for you will magically disappear, but then all I end up doing is comparing them to you, measuring them up to you, and they always fall short… None of them are you, Camz.“
I hardly notice the hot tears spilling down my face as I pour my heart out to her, but I most definitely feel them now. I fully untangle my body from hers once I really catch sight of her surprised and confused face. I gulp harshly, moving a shaking hand to lightly cup her cheek.
“Please, say something…” I whisper out, watching her eyes dart back and forth between mine, but still she say’s nothing. I look down at her lips, wanting nothing more than to press them against mine. It would be so easy…
“Camila.” I say as I bring my face closer to her own, my body having a mind of its own. She lays there, frozen, but I see her eyes dart to my mouth for the smallest fraction of a second and with that, I can’t help but to slide my hand from her cheek to her nape and pull her face up to meet mine, finally capturing them within my own. I simply hold them to hers for a second, not daring to move them out of fear that she’ll recoil, but after a second she puts the slightest bit of pressure and my eyebrows go up in shock when she begins to kiss back. Her hand grasping at the collar of my shirt firmly, pulling me the slightest bit closer. I release her bottom lip for a moment and I can feel it tremble against my own, and I'm about to reconnect our lips when she suddenly uses the hand at my collar to push me away.
And that’s when my heart breaks.
“Camila-” I start, chest heaving just as much as hers is. Camila squeezes her eyes shut and brings her other hand up to push at my chest as well, trying to create more distance between us.
“I’m sorry…” I whimper out, and she finally opens her eyes to lock them onto mine, and for the first time in what feels like forever, I can’t read the emotion that lies within hers, but I do know that it isn’t anything particularly good.
“No- no I’m sorry, Lauren.” She says, voice terribly strained. “I just- god I can’t. I’m sorry…” She abruptly pushes the blanket off of her and in one fluid motion, she stands from my bed. She makes a beeline for the door, not even stopping when a choked up “please, wait” escapes from my slightly swollen lips.
A firmly shut door is all I can hear echoing in my mind for the rest of the night.