Used To Be

by screwedupheads

Summary:

Jeremy’s life had a pattern again, but this time it wasn’t the pattern of hiding all his emotions, it was a pattern of IGNORING all his emotions. And it was almost working.

Notes:

Hi! This is a follow up to my fic Liability, so please read that first and subscribe to this series, as all my works in it will be fairly short and I don't want anyone to miss out of anything as post more. This first chapter is short, I know, but that's because I needed a bit of an intro to the events that will actually happen here.

No trigger warnings that I can think of, tell me if I miss any.

Chapter 1

After four months of terrible coping mechanisms, denial to his friends, and punishment he didn’t deserve after the Squip, Jeremy Heere started to get better. His skin slowly regained color, he started eating again, he started looking alive again. Sure, he still flinched, he still had a hard time sleeping, he had a lot of off days, but he was laughing again.
Jeremy was completely aware of himself and how bad he had gotten after he started getting better. The discussion with Michael had been the wakeup call he needed. He started calling Michael when the Squip was loud, he talked it out when he needed to, and any developing destructive tendencies were replaced by Michael comforting him and helping him.
There was one day, exactly one month since Michael had talk to him, that Jeremy was draped across a beanbag next to Michael, discarded slurpee cups and snack wrappers surrounding them. The video game in front of them was paused, due to how side tracked the two had gotten. Jeremy’s eyes were bright and he had the hints of a smile on his face even while he was talking. Michael sat and listened as Jeremy babbled on about how amazing space is, arms in constant motion to emphasize his points. THIS was Jeremy. THIS was the Jeremy that Michael knew.
“-it’s impossible for there to NOT be aliens SOMEWHERE up there! There’s so many galaxies and planets and one has to- why are you smiling?” Jeremy exclaimed, faltering at the end, glaring at Michael for smiling at his oh so serious topic. Michael’s smile only got wider. He took Jeremy in again, the freckled boy had splotches of pink on his cheek that were not there before, his body lacked the tenseness it had been full of for months. Michael fell forward into a hug.
“You’re back,” He said into Jeremy’s shoulder. Jeremy stiffened before relaxing into the hug, and reciprocating it. He wondered if Michael had the same warm feeling in his chest while they were wrapped in each other.

Something that Jeremy didn’t know, however, was that while he was locked at home in his own head, ignoring everyone during those months, Michael had gotten closer with their new friends than Jeremy had. Specifically, one Rich Goranski. Jeremy didn’t have an issue with Rich, he was a nice guy now and he was fun to be around, he understood perfectly why Michael was drawn to him. And it was gross and uncalled for, but he couldn’t help but be jealous. Not just over the close new friendship with Rich, but because Michael able to grow close with people in general. With Jeremy’s anxiety at a constant all time high now, and him having a hard time talking to those people without thinking of what he did anyway, he was having a hard time talking to anyone that wasn’t Michael or his dad. But after ditching Michael completely for a new set of friends, it would just be hypocritical for him to even be remotely upset, so he pushed the feeling down, and let Michael branch out for the first time, and let himself be happy for the typically socially anxious boy. That didn’t stop Jeremy’s building dependency on him though.
Every time Jeremy was bored, he asked Michael to hang out, and Jeremy was bored A LOT. And when Michael said he was busy or that he couldn’t, Jeremy pushed down the pangs of sadness that rose on those days spent alone, trying to ignore the voice telling him that all his friends hated him, because that was just unreasonable, right? When Michael said yes, Jeremy spent the day smiling with his chest full of warmth and his stomach full of butterflies. As soon as Michael left, he would ignore those feelings too.
So Jeremy’s life had a pattern again, but this time it wasn’t the pattern of hiding all his emotions, it was a pattern of IGNORING all his emotions. And it was almost working.

Chapter 2

Summary:

When Michael picked him up that morning, Rich was in the car too.
“Hey, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna be picking up Rich now too,” Michael said, watching Jeremy settle uncomfortably into his new seat in the back. Jeremy just let out a tired ‘okay’ and gave a tiny smile to Rich, who beamed at him. Him and Michael quickly resumed whatever loud conversation they were having. Jeremy felt an odd twist in his gut when the two started laughing at something that he had apparently missed out on. He pushed the feeling out of his mind and made a mental note to figure it out later. Unfortunately, the feeling came back when Michael asked Jeremy to switch seats with him at lunch so he could talk to Rich too. Jeremy spent the rest of lunch trying to input into the conversation, but his attempts were all for naught.

Notes:

My apologies for taking to long to update, I am going through a lot right now. More apologies if the writing is bad or full of mistakes, I am literally writing this in the complete dark at 1 am.

Trigger Warnings: none that I can find, tell me what I missed though

Sunday night, 12:08:
“Hey, if you’re hearing this it means I’m probably fighting zombies or asleep, leave a message after the beep,”

“Hey Michael, it’s Jeremy. I don’t know if you’re asleep or not because it’s late but not that late for you because your bed time is like 2 am and it’s only 12- ah shit I’m rambling. Just- just call back if you are awake, I really need someone to talk to,”

Sunday night, 12:43:
“Hi again, um, you said to call you if it ever got really bad and right now it’s the worst it’s been all week and it’d be really cool if you could answer- it’s fine if you don’t, shit, shit, sorry, I shouldn’t expect you to drop everything and talk to me, I’m sorry, shit, goodnight Michael.”

Sunday night, 1:02:
“You’ve reached Jeremy,” (“and Michael!”) (“Michael! Shhh!) “Leave a message after the beep,”

“SHIT JEREMY I’M SO SORRY! I’m so sorry, Rich and I were playing somethin’ online together and completely didn’t hear my phone ring, please text me or call me if you’re still awake so I know you’re okay,”

Sunday night, 1:06:
Text from Jeremy:
im good

 

Monday morning:
"JEREMY!" someone yelled at him in the hall. That someone turned out to be Michael. He saw Michael jog towards him and his locker before stopping in front of it.
"Dude are you okay?" Michael said, concern present in his eyes. Jeremy had to stop himself from lying. He rubbed his eyes and gave Michael a tired smile.
"Not really. I had some bad nightmares and I couldn't get back to sleep. But I'm fine now, just really tired," Jeremy said truthfully. Michael's eyebrows furrowed.
"I'm so sorry I didn't answer, I promise it won't happen again," he said, sounding frustrated with himself.
"Michael it's okay-"
"No it's not I said I would be there and I wasn't! You deserve better than that,"
Jeremy hesitated before wrapping his arms around Michael, Michael quickly reciprocating. Jeremy pushed down the butterflies in his stomach.
"Well, you're here now, and that's what matters,"

They spent the afternoon after school on their beanbags, playing Apocalypse of the Damned, just like usual. The rest of the week was completely normal for them, Jeremy didn’t have any other bad nights, Michael drove him to and from school. Things were good for a little bit.
___

Next Monday:

When Michael picked him up that morning, Rich was in the car too.
“Hey, if you don’t mind, I’m gonna be picking up Rich now too,” Michael said, watching Jeremy settle uncomfortably into his new seat in the back. Jeremy just let out a tired ‘okay’ and gave a tiny smile to Rich, who beamed at him. Him and Michael quickly resumed whatever loud conversation they were having. Jeremy felt an odd twist in his gut when the two started laughing at something that he had apparently missed out on. He pushed the feeling out of his mind and made a mental note to figure it out later. Unfortunately, the feeling came back when Michael asked Jeremy to switch seats with him at lunch so he could talk to Rich too. Jeremy spent the rest of lunch trying to input into the conversation, but his attempts were all for naught.
The next day, Jeremy was in a slightly better mood, having gotten all his homework done, which significantly lowered his anxiety.
“Hi Jeremy!” “Hey Jerm,” He got when he got in the car from Rich and Michael, in that order.
“Hi Rich, hi Michael,” Jeremy said, smile a little brighter than it had been the previous day. Michael gave him a smile when they made eye contact in the rear-view mirror. The three launched into a conversation about a new game that was coming out soon.
A song that Michael loved came on the radio, and he started singing along as obnoxiously as possible, Rich and Jeremy laughing at him. Michael’s face was pink and there was a wide smile across his face as he sang and listened to his friends laugh. ‘He’s beautiful,” Jeremy decided, then immediately backtracked because what the fuck? His mental health was not stable enough for him to have a gay crisis. However, that didn’t stop him from giving Michael heart-eyes. Only, he couldn’t see Rich giving him the exact same look.
At lunch that day, Michael’s hand brushed Jeremy’s a grand total of 4 times, each time sending tingles through his nerves and butterflies in his stomach, his face heating up. He couldn’t stop watching Michael, the way his eyes crinkled and his nose scrunched up when he laughed, the way he ran his hands through his hair in attempts to straighten it out but only making it messier, the way he just…glowed, at any given moment. Jeremy prayed that his light would never dim.
By the end of the school day, Jeremy was a frazzled, maybe gay, mess. He was quiet for the ride home, ignoring Michael and Rich glancing at him in concern from the front. As soon as the car stopped in front of his house, he was already out halfway out of the car, desperately trying to get inside so he could be alone and figure out what the fuck was going on with him.

A lot of thinking and a couple of google searches led Jeremy to the term bisexual and the crippling realization that he had a massive crush on his best friend. Jeremy wasn’t sure what to do with this information. He was good at suppressing things, so that shouldn’t be a problem, but should he? He knew Michael was gay, that was a given with his pride patch and constant need to ramble about how gay he was, but the chances for him to reciprocate the feelings Jeremy had for him was slim, however, not impossible. Thus, Jeremy decided that Operation Seduce Michael was a go.

Tuesday:

Jeremy wore the blue cardigan he knew Michael liked on him. He made more attempts than usual to perfect his hair. For once, he felt like he looked good. He got into Michael’s car with an air of confidence surrounding him. Michael shot him a big smile with glimmering eyes that made Jeremy absolutely melt. Rich was quiet, fiddling with his fingers in the passenger seat.
Jeremy made sure to input into conversations, occasionally cracking a joke that would make them both laugh. Soon, they were parked at the school. Jeremy unbuckled and was grabbing his stuff when he heard Rich say, “Michael, do you think you could stay behind for a little? I really need to talk to you about something…um, alone, I guess,”

“Of course,” Michael responded. Jeremy gave Rich a small wave and proceeded to get out of the car.
“See you in a few!” he said, pairing the statement with his best smile.
“Wait Jeremy!” Michael said just when he started walking away, Jeremy turned and looked at him quizzically.
“Good to see you so happy today,” Michael the Angel said sincerely with a tiny smile. Jeremy beamed at him, and practically skipped away from the car.

___

“So, guess what?!” Michael said after running up to Jeremy in the hall shortly after his talk with Rich, with the happiest look on his face.
“What?” Jeremy responded accordingly.
“I, Michael Mell, have a date!” He said, his expression screaming the words joy and excitement.
Jeremy’s stomach sank.
“With who?” he said, trying to hide the shake in his voice.
“Rich!” Michael said, like it was the best thing in the world. Jeremy felt tears spring into his eyes.
“That’s great Michael,” he said, lacing his voice with faking sincerity. He excused himself to the bathroom to escape Michael and the truth. Tears were falling freely, there was a burning in his throat and tremors ran through his hands. Of course this would happen.
‘You are so dumb’
He let out a sob.

Chapter 3

Summary:

Watching Michael and Rich together was like acid down Jeremy’s throat, settling into his stomach and eating at him from the inside out. Every kiss, hug, touch made Jeremy’s heart burn and ache in the worst way. It was a week into their relationship, and selfishly, he already wanted it to end.
‘He’s happier with him than he would ever be with you’ It- the squip- said one day at lunch, voice laced with robotic sympathy. Jeremy visibly flinched at that, and Michael didn’t notice, no one noticed. Jeremy decided that the Squip was probably right and excused himself to go panic in the bathroom. 4th time this week.

Notes:

This unedited, and I'm not sure how good it is, but at least it's longer than usual.

Trigger warnings: Some squip hallucinations, mention of PTSD, mention of panic attacks, and a big ol' argument. Tell me if I missed anything

Watching Michael and Rich together was like acid down Jeremy’s throat, settling into his stomach and eating at him from the inside out. Every kiss, hug, touch made Jeremy’s heart burn and ache in the worst way. It was a week into their relationship, and selfishly, he already wanted it to end.
‘He’s happier with him than he would ever be with you’ It- the squip- said one day at lunch, voice laced with robotic sympathy. Jeremy visibly flinched at that, and Michael didn’t notice, no one noticed. Jeremy decided that the Squip was probably right and excused himself to go panic in the bathroom. 4th time this week.

He wiped his eyes and leaned against the stall, debating whether or not staying the rest of the day was even worth it, then quickly decided make up work wasn’t worth the hassle. He splashed some water on his face and left the bathroom, only to run into Michael, who was waiting right outside.
“Hey, sorry I followed you, I just wanted to see- wait are you okay?” Michael said as soon as he saw Jeremy.
“Wha-“Jeremy said. Was it really that obvious?
“Your eyes are puffy and you ran off kinda fast. Squip stuff?”
“Uh, yeah,” Jeremy said with a sniffle, because technically it was.
“Wanna skip? I was gonna ask ‘ya before you ran off. It’s been a while since we hung out dude,” Michael said with a smile. Jeremy nodded and followed Michael out into his car.

Michael rustled around in the trunk before swinging open the door and climbing into his seat, shoving a mountain dew red into Jeremy’s hands.
“I keep ‘em there, just in case,” Michael said while starting the car. Jeremy unscrewed the cap and took a gulp. The last thing he felt of the Squip for the next 4 hours would be the taunting gaze he gave before flickering away.
They did the usual, sat side by side in beanbags with an open bag of doritos between them, playful banter about the happenings of their game filling the airs.
“OH YOU BITCH I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL-“ Michael yelled out after Jeremy’s character killed off his for the third time, but he was cut off by the chime that came from his phone. He paused the game before it could reload, and Jeremy saw his eyes scan over the text that was sent, Michael smiled and bit his lip before responding.
“Rich?” Jeremy asked. His answer was another notification and a giggle coming from a blushing Michael. Definitely Rich. Jeremy just looked at his hands and waited for Michael to finish, ignoring the prominent ache in his chest.

5 minutes later Jeremy couldn’t take it anymore.
“H-hey man I’m gonna go, I’m not feeling too good,” he said, getting up and fumbling while trying to grab his things. Michael hummed in response, eyes glued to his phone.
“Uh, okay. B-bye,” Jeremy said and then walked out the door, cursing his stutter. He felt his throat burning when he left the house and he was halfway to his own house when he let himself cry. Is this what he did to Michael? He felt tendrils of guilt wrap around him and he choked out a sob. He instantly wiped his face when he saw a car coming down the street. He cursed at himself when he saw the car slow down and stop beside him.

The window rolled down to reveal Jake. Jeremy barely knew Jake, just knew him from the Squip thing and he knew that him and Rich were as close as Jeremy and Michael are.
“Need a ride anywhere? It looks like it’s gonna rain,” He said with a kind smile. Jeremy had checked the forecast that morning, there was a 0 percent chance of rain. Jake had definitely seen him crying. But, hey, who was Jeremy to walk anyways when someone offers him a ride? Jeremy nodded at him and climbed in the passenger seat, mumbling directions to his house as he buckled himself in.
A few moments passed before Jake spoke.
“Hey, you’re friends with Michael Mell, right?”
“yeah,” Jeremy said, ignoring the awkwardness of the situation. He knew he was friends with Michael, he was at the play too.
“Yeah and you know the guy he’s dating, Rich?” Jake said, faltering when he said that they were dating. By this point they were parked outside of Jeremy’s house.
“I mean, I know of him, considering Michael’s always with him, but I’m not like, friends with him. I know you guys are close though,” Jeremy said, awkwardly unbuckling, waiting for the right time to get out.
He watched Jake’s nice smile melt into something a lot sadder and his happiness seemed to exit him all at once.
“Yeah, we are, were, I guess. He hasn’t really talked to me since the- the fire. Sorry,” Jake said, knuckles going white from squeezing the steering wheel, he removed one hand to wipe his eyes after his voice cracked.
“Just- is Michael treating him okay? That sounds rude-“ Jake started, looking more upset the more he talked. Jeremy couldn’t stand to see him looking so sad.
“They both seem very happy together,” Jeremy said with a comforting smile.
“Good, good,” Jake said, voice shrinking to a whisper. The news should have made him relieved, but he just looked more upset. However, in a flash, there was a smile back on his face as he told Jeremy to text him if he ever needed a ride again (they exchanged numbers pre-play). With that, Jeremy hopped out and watched the car speed off. He had a feeling he would be seeing Jake a lot more.
That night, the Squip came back and whispered cruel things in his ear, leaving Jeremy without sleep. It got louder and louder as time went by. By the time Michael’s car was waiting in the driveway, it was practically a scream in his ears, giving him a massive headache. After swallowing some Advil, he walked out of his house, not caring about the slam the door made.
Michael and Rich were talking in the front, Michael turned his head and waved at Jeremy when he saw him, or rather, heard him exit his house. He saw Michael and Rich’s head following him as he walked to not the door, but the trunk. He swung it open, hastily grabbed the Mountain Dew red that he knew was waiting there and slammed it shut, this time flinching at the noise. He did the same with the car door and he practically flung himself into the seat. He hastily uncapped the soda and chugged half of it before the Squip’s voice flickered away and Jeremy could finally hear the silence that had fallen over the car. He leaned back and let out a sigh, buckling his seatbelt.
“Jeremy…” Rich said, looking hesitant.
“Jere? You okay?” Michael said not even a second after Rich.
“Just fuckin’ drive, or we’ll be late. Rich, Jake seems worried about you,” Jeremy grumbled angrily. He watched the couple in the front seat exchange a look before Michael put the car in drive. The rest of the ride was silent.
Jeremy did an excellent job avoiding everyone for the day, only truly acknowledging Jake when the latter would smile and wave at him in the hall. He doubted anyone would want to talk to him anyway.
At the end of the day, the pounding in Jeremy’s head subsided. The mountain dew red had stayed in his bag through the day and Jeremy had taken a few sips towards the end of his last period to ensure the Squip wouldn’t surprise him again. He was out of the school before the bell could ring, starting his trek home so he could avoid more Concerned Michael gazes.
It wasn’t long before the PT Cruiser pulled up next to him. The window rolled down to reveal an empty passenger seat.
“Get in,” Michael said with a strange, kind forcefulness. The lack of Rich in the car is what caused Jeremy to get in. Michael seemed to inspect him the minute they were close to each other.
“Mine or yours?” Michael said, not giving Jeremy an option to not hang out with him. The concern radiating off Michael was almost tangible.
“Yours,” Jeremy said, settling into his seat. Michael nodded and gave him a smile before driving over to his house. He ushered Jeremy to his basement while he walked into the kitchen to grab some food. Looking at Michael’s basement, Jeremy could tell that Rich had been there many times because his beanbag chair looked well used. He hesitantly sat in it, closing his eyes and trying to relax in this old environment that, for some reason, felt new.
Michael came down with a bag of sour patch kids (Jeremy’s favorite candy) and a stern look on his face. He shoved the bag in Jeremy’s hands and plopped down in the beanbag next to him. It was quiet for a moment.
“Jeremy, what’s going on?” Michael said after a solid two minutes of quiet, except for Jeremy fiddling with the bag of candy.
“What?” Jeremy said, acting oblivious. Michael sighed.
“You’re…you’re just-“ Michael struggled to explain himself. “Drifting. Again,”
Jeremy whirled around to face Michael, anger starting to simmer in his chest.
“What do you mean?” he said, trying not to sound as salty as he really was. Michael ran a hand through his hair.
“I-I don’t know man, you’re just kinda acting different?” he phrased it like a question, “You just keep giving me these dirty looks, according to Rich you glare at him sometimes, and then you just got up and left while we were hanging out and avoided me all day today. I’m just worried,” Michael rambled.
Jeremy’s rage increases, because of course, he was the asshole. He was always the asshole. It was always his fault.
“Then there was the thing this morning with the mountain dew red. Is-“Michael gulped, “is it the squip? Is it coming back?” he said with too much concern. It pushed Jeremy over the edge.
“Y,know, maybe that’s just how I am Michael,” He said after letting out a dry chuckle. Michael furrowed his eyebrows.
“I mean, I get it man, you’re just trying to help, but did you know I can feel things without it being the Squip? I’m more than just my damn PTSD shit,” Jeremy said, voice slowly raising. He knew he was being unfair to Michael, but his weeks and weeks’ worth of pent up anger was finally being released, so he wouldn’t be stopping anytime soon. Michael just looked at him, face shocked.
“Maybe, I’m just a fucking asshole! Because it’s all either me or the squip’s fault, right? Ever stop and think about what you might be doing wrong?!” Jeremy stood and paced, angry tears piling up in his eyes.
“Hold up, what the fuck did I do wrong? You’re the one avoiding me! You’re the one that’s always glaring at everything! Excuse me for trying to be a supportive friend!” Michael said, finally showing some anger. Jeremy was oddly satisfied by it.
“You don’t fucking need me anymore! You have made it completely obvious that you don’t need me so why are you so fucking upset!?” Jeremy yelled, tears spilling. Under normal circumstances, Michael would have been concerned, but these weren’t normal circumstances. Instead he left out a stunned laugh.
“Oh! I get it now! You’re fucking jealous of Rich!” Michael said. Jeremy’ cheeks betrayed him as embarrassment partnered with his anger in taking control of him head.
“I’m right, aren’t I? You’re jealous because for once, I have someone in my life other than you! That’s fucking golden, coming from you!”
“Wait wha-“ Jeremy suddenly grew confused.
“You’re really scared that I’m gonna ditch you and replace you with someone else? You’re a fucking hypocrite, Jeremy Heere! Remember Jake’s Halloween party?!” Michael said with a bitter anger, and Jeremy had never seen this side of him. He felt his breathing pick up at the mention of the party, memories flashing through his mind.
“You left me alone and avoided me for months beforehand! I had a fucking panic attack, I had absolutely no one because you fucking left me!” Michael yelled, angry tears matching Jeremy’s own. Only, Jeremy’s anger was deflating bit by bit.
“Wait, I never meant to-“ Jeremy started, hands shaking now. Things that he had pushed out his mind so he could recover came flooding back into his mind.
“Fuck off Jeremy. Don’t you fucking dare,” Michael said, with his teeth gritted.
“I was alone, and it was all your fault, so don’t you fucking dare,” Michael glared at him, the tears on his cheeks shining brightly.
Jeremy realized that his breathing wasn’t going to steady anytime soon, and he couldn’t be here any longer. He had to get out. He grabbed his stuff wordlessly and started walking to the door.
“Right, you’ve never been one to face problems, you always fuckin’ run away,” Michael grumbled.
“You just had to swallow a fucking computer, didn’t you,” was the last thing he heard before he was out of the basement, and soon, out of Michael’s house.

The squip laughed in his ear the entire way home.

Notes:

So, basically, don't hold your feelings in, folks. Reminder that Jeremy never truly sat down with Michael and apologized for everything, so he had a lot of anger from that. if anything else needs to be explained, let me know!

Chapter 4

Summary:

Jeremy fell asleep on the bus on his way to school the next day. The few minutes of sleep he got was better than none. He had stayed up late crying and trying to get through school work before his squip started yelling in his ear until the early morning. Now that he had no Mountain Dew Red supplier, he decided to ration out the remains of the bottle he had been drinking the day before, but there wasn’t much left.

He spent the school day how he would before the squip happened, but this time there was no Michael. He walked the hallways with his head down, the one time he looked up, Michael walked by him hand in hand with Rich. Michael seemed to glance at him, but then he looked down as fast as possible. Rich simply furrowed his eyebrows, looking like he wanted to say something to Jeremy. Jeremy looked back down and sped away before he could.

It stopped hurting to think about Michael and Rich together, it just hurt to think about Michael in general. A wave of guilt crashed down on him as he wondered if this is what Michael felt like when Jeremy had the squip. Jeremy was a hypocrite, it was all his fault, he always runs away, he just had to swallow the fucking comput- he was bumping into someone, apparently.

Notes:

Trigger warning: Mentions of sexual assault (do you wanna hang? situation), self harm, drinking, suicidal thoughts.
Tell me if I missed anything!

Jeremy fell asleep on the bus on his way to school the next day. The few minutes of sleep he got was better than none. He had stayed up late crying and trying to get through school work before his squip started yelling in his ear until the early morning. Now that he had no Mountain Dew Red supplier, he decided to ration out the remains of the bottle he had been drinking the day before, but there wasn’t much left.

He spent the school day how he would before the squip happened, but this time there was no Michael. He walked the hallways with his head down, the one time he looked up, Michael walked by him hand in hand with Rich. Michael seemed to glance at him, but then he looked down as fast as possible. Rich simply furrowed his eyebrows, looking like he wanted to say something to Jeremy. Jeremy looked back down and sped away before he could.

It stopped hurting to think about Michael and Rich together, it just hurt to think about Michael in general. A wave of guilt crashed down on him as he wondered if this is what Michael felt like when Jeremy had the squip. Jeremy was a hypocrite, it was all his fault, he always runs away, he just had to swallow the fucking comput- he was bumping into someone, apparently.

“Woah, sorry man, I wasn’t- Jeremy!” the person said. Jeremy’s head snapped up to reveal Jake grinning at him.

“H-hey Jake. Sorry ‘bout running into you,” Jeremy said.

“It’s fine, I wasn’t really looking where I was going anyways. Where’s your player 1?” Jake said, still smiling. Jeremy’s tiny smile immediately faltered, and Jake immediately noticed. He put a hand on his shoulder.

“You okay? Did something happen?”he said, and it almost made Jeremy cry. Instead, he shrugged Jake’s hand off his shoulder.

“I’ll be fine,” he muttered, trying to get away from the conversation topic, and from people in general. He started to walk away but Jake’s hand found his shoulder again.

“Dude, if you need to talk, about anything at all, I’m here for you. I’m just a text away,” Jake said,looking the most sincere Jeremy had ever seen him. Jeremy bit his lips and nodded, and then Jake let him go and Jeremy scurried away.

In time, the final bell rang and Jeremy was free from the confines of his school for the day. Walking out the front doors, he saw Michael, Rich, and Jake talking in hushed voices on the steps of the building. He accidentally caught Jake’s eye when he saw them, and Jake gave him a grin and a wave, causing the other two to look at him too. His heart stopped when Michael’s eyes landed on him, he was sure that he had visibly paled. He saw Michael look away quickly and squeeze his eyes shut and whisper something he couldn’t hear from where he was. Whatever it was, it was enough to make Jeremy look down and practically shrink and run away, ignoring the new wetness in his eyes.
‘He haaaaates you,’ said the glitched and hollow whisper of a voice in his ear. Jeremy wanted to slam his head into something. He hated that after one look, his heart pounded with anxiety and his hands shook. He hated that he felt that way. Just last week, everything was fine, and Michael was his friend. Of course, he still had to watch him with Rich, but it was better than this. Anything was better than this.

‘Did you hear me Jeremy?’ it whispered again. Jeremy cursed under his breath, speeding up his walking pace. He normally preferred walking home instead of getting a ride or getting on the bus because it let him procrastinate his work, but now he was regretting the decision.
He practically started sobbing when Michael’s PT Cruiser drove by, ever so slightly slowing down before speeding up again. The Squips harsh laughter was even more prominent in his head. His heart stopped when he felt phantom pain run up and down his spine. Tremors ran down his body, as he dived straight into a panic attack.
He threw his backpack down and practically tore through it, finding the bottle of mountain dew red and chugged the rest of it. He tried to even out his breathing as any sign of the squip vanished, putting him in what he knew was a false sense of security.

He arrived to an empty house and a note on the fridge explaining his father’s absence (work emergency, he’d be gone for the night). He flung his backpack to the ground and took off his shoes, laying them and his backpack next to the other pairs of shoes lining the wall. His eyes stilled on a pair of shoes that Michael had left there forever ago. He ripped off the bandaids and safety pins that were holding him together and collapsed against the walls, head in hands with tears rolling down his face. He stayed there, frozen, for about 15 minutes before he got up and made his way to his room. He flopped on his bed when he got there, and it didn’t take long for him to fall asleep.

He woke up 3 hours later at 7 pm to the yelling of the Squip in his ear. The things it was saying wasn’t anything he wasn’t used to, but the fact that he no longer had the mountain dew red put him on edge. He spent a while laying in bed, staring at the ceiling, listening to the monotonous drone of the robotic voice in his head continuously telling him he was a fuck up. But then it said the words that had almost pushed Jeremy to the edge so many months ago.
‘You deserve to die,’

Jeremy’s breath hitched and he pushed himself off of his bed.

‘You deserve to die. Think about it, do something about it,’ it repeated. Soon the only thing filling his head was the words spoken over and over.

“I’m not fucking doing this today,” Jeremy mumbled to himself angrily as he walked out of his room. If he couldn’t get rid of its voice or block it out, then he at least shouldn’t be sober enough to comprehend it. He found the area where his dad kept anything alcoholic, and picked out a bottle of something he knew would get him drunk fast. Luckily, his dad didn’t drink enough to notice anything missing.
He didn’t bother with pouring it, he took his first sip straight from the bottle. It burned down his throat and started a fire in his stomach. And the squip screamed at him louder. He took another swig and walked back to his room, bottle in hand.

‘What are you doing? You really think this will help? You’ll only have to face me again when you’re sober!’ it laughed. Jeremy didn’t care. He took another swig. It wouldn’t take long for it to set in, and normally it took him around 4 shots to get drunk. Soon, he wouldn’t care what the squip said to him. Oh, how he was wrong.
Jeremy’s brain was muddled within 5 minutes, and by his fifth swig, he could still hear the squip loud and clear.

‘Remember the last time you drank?’ it suddenly said, interrupting its string of insults. Jeremy suddenly found himself running out of air and his eyes blurred. Yes, he remembered the last time he drank. He also remembered the feeling of warm, whispering air in his ear and long nails grazing his thighs and Chloe’s lips in his but they didn’t belong there, none of those things belonged there and nothing was right. He didn’t realize he had started crying until he tasted the salt in his mouth. He washed the taste down with more alcohol, hoping that It would just shut up, shut up, shut up- suddenly it was standing in front of him.

‘You’re weak. You’re getting all worked up about nothing. That kind of thing doesn’t happen to guys, you should’ve just enjoyed it,’ it snarled. Jeremy sobbed. He was drunk, he was so drunk, and it wasn’t helping.

‘Everyone pities you. Michael’s lucky he managed to get away. None of your friends need you like you need them. You’re alone,’ it said, and it smiled a horrible smile that made Jeremy’s blood boil.

“Shut up!” Jeremy yelled, words slurring together. His head was spinning and his heart was racing, he would give anything just for everything to stop

‘You know how to get me to shut up,’ it said, looking absolutely delighted. Jeremy squinted at it’s blurry form in confusion. His unspoken question was answered when a small shock ran through his wrists. He flinched in pain and terror, before realizing that pain could be a real solution.

He set the bottle down and hoisted himself up from his spot on the floor he had been sitting. He swayed a bit before he walked through his doorway and made his way down the hallway. He put one hand against the wall after stumbling, but he eventually ended up just leaning against the wall for the rest of the walk.
He reached the bathroom and managed to throw anything on any surface to the ground until he found what he was looking for. A razor. His thoughts were too foggy for him to realize how wrong this was. Three messy swipes across his arms barely quieted the squip, but he was already bleeding more than he was used to.

‘Worthless, stupid, more Jeremy, more,’ it snarled in his ear. Jeremy was sobbing and panicking and way too drunk to be dealing with this on his own.
‘Everything about you makes me wanna die,’ it said with a cold calmness.
“Everything about me makes me want to die,” Jeremy echoed and accompanied it was a few more swipes across both wrists. The squip’s form flickered away and Jeremy was left alone with drunken, messy thoughts and blood dripping onto the floor. Wait, blood, too much blood. It was way too much blood, he had never bled this much before. He swayed where he was standing and let himself lean against the wall behind him and slide down it. The only noise was his sobs echoing around him, and it was too quiet. He needed someone. The last thing he remembered before falling into more drunkenness (or blood loss, he wasn’t quite sure), was taking out his phone and texting someone something that was sure to be littered with typos.

 

Back at Michael’s house, three boys were sitting around a TV screen when one of them received a text.

Chapter 5

Summary:

From Jeremy 8:27pm Friday

i fcukid up i nedc hlelp plaese

Notes:

Thanks for all of the support on this story! I keep changing the length of the story because I keep writing a lot more than I plan. Next chapter will be the last one of this segment, for real this time.

TRIGGER WARNING: Self harm (it is relatively graphic, please use caution and do what's best for your safety), implied/mentioned sexual assult

Comment any questions, comments, or concerned, don't be shy!

From Jeremy 8:27pm Friday

i fcukid up i nedc hlelp plaese

 

From Jake 8:28pm Friday

???

 

From Jake 8:28pm Friday

Are you okay?

 

From Jake 8:34pm Friday

We're coming over Jere. Hang in there

 

---

 

Rich's knuckles were white on the steering wheel as he drove Michael's car too fast to Jeremy's house. The only reason he was driving was because he was the only one of the three boys who wasn't in a state of silent panic.

Michael was pale and ringing his hands together, unbuckled in the passenger seat and refusing to look up.

Jake was obsessively checking his phone and biting his lip raw and bloody, staring out the window at the houses rushing by.

The guilt and severity of the situation hung heavy in the air between the three of them.

The car jerked forward and halted to a stop in front of a house that must be Jeremy's. Michael and Jake were out of the car before Rich could even take the keys out. He silently followed them into the house. Jake had never seen the short boy so quiet before. They both followed Michael upstairs in an unspoken agreement after seeing Jeremy's backpack sitting by the door.

"Jeremy?!" Michael called out when he got to the top, approaching a door and knocking at it. Michael repeated the actions. Rich watched his struggle silently, and Jake wandered down the hall a little ways, looking for signs of Jeremy. He saw a door cracked open and he decided that could be a potential sign.
"Jeremy?" he called out gently. He was met with the sound of a sob and some unintelligible speaking.
Michael froze and him and Rich were over there in a second when Jake pushed the door open.

Jeremy sat curled up against the wall with his arms wrapped around himself with drops of blood scattered across the floor in a path from the sink. An open bottle sat next to him as well as a razor, both abandoned, however, as Jeremy's attention was now apparently taken up by keeping himself conscious. Sobs escaped him every couple of seconds, his skin was pale and clammy, and his eyes were screwed shut.

Jake heard Rich's breath hitch behind him and a soft gasp from Michael. Jake instantly knelt in front of Jeremy and picked up the bottle and razor to set them aside. Rich locked eyes with him and offered to take the objects and get rid of them. Rich didn't know Jeremy that well and never got along with him like Jake and Michael did, so he didn't want to be in the room and make Jeremy uncomfortable.

 

"Jeremy?" Jake said gently, "What happened?"

Jeremy's eyes opened, and they flicked from Jake to Michael, back to Jake, then locked on Michael.

 

"Mikey 'n Jakey," he hiccupped out, smiling to himself, then a few more tears rolled down his face and his expression contorted to one of pain.

"Did somethin' baaad, really bad," He slurred, curling in on himself.

"Jere, what did you do?" Jake said, stepping forward and kneeling down to eye level with him. He watched Jeremy's arms flop down to his side, revealing two massive bloodstains where they were wrapped around him.

"'M sorry," he said, turning over his arms to reveal multiple large gashes covering his arms.
Jake felt tears form in his eyes, and he went to take Jeremy's arms to look closer. But the minute his skin touched Jeremy's, Jeremy flinched away and snapped back into his old position.

"Nononono i don't wanna, please don't make me," he cried, closing his eyes. Jake started to talk but was interrupted again.

"Please don't, i wanna go home, where's Michael, I need to find him before..." Jeremy said, eyes snapping open again and breath speeding up. Michael, who had been standing in the doorway, snapped into protective best friend mode.

"Hey hey hey, I'm right here, nothing bad is gonna happen," Michael said, kneeling next to him. Jake watched as Jeremy registered Michael's presence and threw his arms around him.

"'m so sorry, Mikey, I didn't mean to...," he trailed off, seeming to realize something.

"You hate me," he slurred, unwrapping his arms. The small stains on Michael's hoodie gave proof to the fact that Jeremy was still bleeding a bit.

"Jeremy," Michael said, tilting Jeremy's chin up, forcing him to look at him and understand no matter how drunk he was, "I could never hate you, never ever ever."

Jeremy's lip trembled as a new onslaught of sobs threatened to break free. Michael's wrapped both his hands in Jeremy's and pulled him up with him when he stood.

"Let's clean you up," Michael said, and Jake snapped into action, trying to locate a first aid kit. However, Rich came in carrying one right on time.
Together, they worked to clean up the blood and wrap bandages around his arms, listening to Rich read instructions on what to do from his phone. Once he was bandaged, Jeremy could hardly keep his eyes open, he was exhausted, even though it was barely 9:00pm. Michael led him to his bed and made sure he fell asleep, before joining Rich and Jake in the hall outside his room.

"He's asleep now," he said, quietly shutting the door. Rich slumped against the wall and dragged his hands across his face, Jake stood rigid, staring at the bathroom door.
“What do we do now,” Jake said quietly. Rich took his hands off his face, revealing glassy, red eyes. He let out a defeated sigh. Michael looked at him with soft eyes.
“You two can go, I can take care of him from here,” Michael said with a weak smile.
“Are you sure?” Rich said, grabbing Michael’s hand.

“Yeah, he’d probably be more comfortable with just me anyway,” Michael responded, before wrapping Rich in a long embrace. Jake shuffled awkwardly. The two let go and Rich joined Jake and began walking down the stairs.

“Text me if you need any help,” Jake said, before disappearing from Michael’s sight with Rich.

It was time for Michael to right his wrongs, but for now, the only thing he could do was wait for Jeremy to wake up.

Notes:

Last chapter coming at you in a few days

Chapter 6

Summary:

Jeremy froze at Michael’s touch, then his eyes snapped open as a breath escaped him sharply. His eyes darted around the dim room before landing on Michael. He curled in on himself and put his head in his hands, not noticing his bandages yet.

“What the fuck.” He said, more as a statement than a question.

“What the fuck,” Michael responded.

Notes:

Last chapter of this work ahhhhh! Thank you so much for all of the support on this, make sure you subscribe to the series so you don't miss what comes next.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions of self harm, a lot of talk of the do you wanna hang situation, sexual assault, nightmares, tell me if I missed anything.

Michael passed time by cleaning the bathroom, tidying Jeremy’s messy room as best he could without waking him up, and cooking various baked goods, since he basically already was the designated housewife of the Heere household, and damnit, they had no good food.

However, not even almost bleeding out and being heavily intoxicated would stop Jeremy’s nightmares.
Michael quickly decided that watching Jeremy have a nightmare was terrifying. The pale boy tossed and turned, mumbling things that Michael couldn’t understand with great urgency, repeating something over and over again. He was sweating more than usual, his eyes were moving rapidly under his eyelids, and occasionally he’d stiffen for a few seconds, sharply inhaling. When Jeremy froze for too long and began to cry in his sleep, Michael decided it was time to try and wake him.

Jeremy froze at Michael’s touch, then his eyes snapped open as a breath escaped him sharply. His eyes darted around the dim room before landing on Michael. He curled in on himself and put his head in his hands, not noticing his bandages yet.

“What the fuck.” He said, more as a statement than a question.

“What the fuck,” Michael responded. Jeremy glanced at him through red-rimmed eyes and flopped down on the bed again, facing away from him.

“What time is it?” Jeremy said.

“Around 2 am,” Michael said after pulling out his phone and checking.

“Should I even bother asking what happened,” Jeremy said, his voice hollow.

“I think I could ask you the same question, Jere,” A comforting smile in his voice. Jeremy just lay there, completely still.

“We need to talk. About anything, everything, I don’t know. No more hiding things, because I feel like we both are and it’s not okay,” Michael said, cutting through the silence Jeremy created.

Jeremy sat up again and leaned down to the floor, picking up his discarded blue cardigan and slipped it on his thin form.
“Okay, but I’m gonna need some Mountain Dew red and literally anything to make this headache go away,” Jeremy said after hesitating.
Soon enough, the two were sitting at Jeremy’s kitchen table, Jeremy with a cup of MDR and had already taken some Ibuprofen, and was now eating a cookie that was freshly baked by Michael.

“So,” Jeremy said, finally looking more alive, “Where do you want to start?”
“Wherever you want,” Michael said.
“Well, you already know about the s-squip talking to me, there’s not much else other than that,” Jeremy said, looking down at his hands.
“What about last night?” Michael said, obviously looking at Jeremy’s arms.

“I-“ He stuttered before taking another sip of the Mountain Dew red, “I’m not sure, I ran out of Mountain Dew red, I remembered that alcohol made it malfunction at the party…” He trailed off, furrowing his eyebrows. Michael caught his hands twitch.

“The Halloween party?” Michael said. Jeremy nodded.
“We need to talk about that,” Michael said. Jeremy just nodded again. Okay, Jeremy’s hands were definitely shaking now, something had definitely happened to him there.

“That night was a fucking mess for everyone there. I’m so sorry about what happened to you there. What I did to you, I didn’t- I never wanted to-“ Jeremy inhaled sharply. “It was a bad night for me too, something almost happened, I don’t know. Either way, I have no excuse for what I said to you. It was wrong, I should’ve never abandoned you like that, I should have been there for you, I’m really sorry.”

Michael gave him a gentle smile and grabbed his hand.

“I forgive you. I promise that I forgive you,” Michael said, squeezing his hand gently, “I really needed to hear that, thank you.” Jeremy just nodded and gave him stiff smile.

“You said something happened?” Michael inquired. Jeremy pulled his hands away.

“I can’t really remember anything exactly, I don’t know if it really happened, it’s not a big deal,” Jeremy said, trying to pass it off.

“Hey, no, if you’re upset about something it’s probably a big deal,” Michael said, furrowing his eyebrows. Jeremy downed the rest of the Mountain Dew before speaking again.

“On that night – the party- I went with Brooke but at some point we separated and Chloe told me she was waiting for me upstairs so I followed her to Jake’s parent’s room only Brooke wasn’t there and Chloe started kissing me and-“He stopped and let out a quick breath, Michael saw tears welling up in eyes, and he had a sinking feeling in his gut.

“She was just using me to get back at Jake, but she was on top of me and she was trying to escalate things and,” he let out a humorless, hollow laugh, “Michael, I didn’t want it. It wouldn’t let me move, I was fucking pinned under her and I couldn’t get away until she made me drink alcohol and the squip malfunctioned- that’s probably why I was drunk earlier- then Jake and Brooke found out and I ended up in the bathroom,” Jeremy finished, not once making eye contact with Michael.

“And it’s stupid because I don’t even know if guys can get-“ He gulped, “I just can’t help think of what could have happened if I didn’t get away.”

“Jere, of course that can happen to guys..You have every right to be upset. I’m so fucking sorry this happened to you,” Michael said, then walked up to Jeremy and pull him up into a hug. Jeremy clutched his hoodie from the back, and Michael could feel how much he was shaking.

“Also, Jere, I’m so sorry about what happened the other day. Everything just built up, I shouldn’t have said what I said, it was out of line,” Michael said, settling the feeling of guilt in his stomach that he’d had since the fight

“It’s okay, I’m sorry too,” Jeremy said, his speech muffled on Michael’s shoulder.
The two stood there, hugging and only slightly rocking back and forth for a while, Michael rubbing Jeremy’s back.

“Anything else you wanna tell me?” Michael said gently. It took a few moments for Jeremy to respond. Jeremy lifted his head off Michael’s shoulder.

“I’m bisexual,” Jeremy said with the slightest ounce of confidence, and Michael was instantly proud of him. Michael had come out as gay in freshman year, so it was about time that Jeremy said something about his sexuality.

“Really?! When did you find out?!” Michael said, a smile growing on his face after slightly pulling away a little.

“Uh, maybe a few weeks ago,” Jeremy said, cheeks now pink and he had a small smile on his face.

“I’m so proud of you,” Michael said with a wide grin. Michael’s eyes met Jeremy’s and Jeremy’s smile doubled in size.
The two stayed like that for a while, full eye contact with wide smiles, and Jeremy wouldn’t stop blushing. Michael unwrapped one of his arms and brushed a lose curl that had fallen in front of Jeremy’s eye.
‘This boy needs a haircut,’ Michael thought, but his brain immediately shut down when he felt a pair of lips on his.

Jeremy’s lips.

Notes:

Two bros, having an emotional discussion, five feet apart cuz they're not gay- wait shit.

So that was the last chapter, I can't guarantee that the next work will be a direct follow up of this though, I'm thinking of looking into some other characters for the next one. Subscribe to the series to find out ;););) (I sound like a youtuber I'm so sorry)

Thanks for reading!

Notes:

Obligatory self promo: hey kid do ya like dear evan hansen? do ya like angst? well do i have the one shot for you! Read my DEH one shot called Step Into the Sun if you need some more feelings from that damn musical.

Series this work belongs to:

• Part 2 of Hard Times