my one and only, my sweet relief

by stefonzolesky

Summary:

Stu feels himself start to fall asleep -- drinking always makes him tired -- and his eyes open to Phil nudging him with one hand and saying, “Stu, hand’s asleep. Gotta… get up.”

Chapter 1: ONE: LET THE TIDE SWALLOW ME WHOLE

Stu knows that Phil and Stephanie are having problems.

Phil doesn’t tell him. At least, not verbally. Phil doesn’t like to talk about things like that. Or anything, really. He thinks that showing his feelings makes him seem weak or something. But Stu has known Phil long enough. He can tell.

Phil lets him know in subtle ways. In brushes of his hand and second hard drinks and invitations out to the bar on days he should be spending with his wife and kids.

Lauren starts to wonder where Stu is going. She says that spending every night out, no matter how much Phil likes going out, isn’t very Phil. Phil has always cared about his family, he’s always put aside time to spend with them, gone to all his kids’ recitals and everything. It isn’t like him to spend every waking moment away from his job at a bar.

“He needs me,” Stu says, because he strongly believes it. Sure, this isn’t very Phil-like, but that means he needs a friend. Lauren is visibly upset, probably guilty of thinking why not Doug? but she tells Stu to go ahead anyway.

 

+

 

It's nearing closing hours of the bar, and Stu isn't sober, but he's far more sober than Phil. Phil wobbles when he stands up and leans all of his weight on Stu as they head out the door.

“M’gonna call Lauren,” Stu says, as he and Phil practically collapse on the bench outside of the bar. “What's even up with you?”

Phil doesn't say anything about the back of Stu’s hand pressing down on his dick as he searches through his pockets for his phone, which is either a testament to their friendship or how drunk Phil is.

“Dunno what you're talking about,” Phil says, oddly coherent. One of his arms is draped lazily over Stu’s shoulder, Stu is practically blanketed across Phil’s body. “I'm fine.”

Stu ignores the claim. “Is there… something wrong at home? With Stephanie, and the kids?”

His phone is finally out of his pocket, and he sends Lauren 'at bar plese pick us up lovr you’ with one hand.

“Everything is, ah, oookay ,” Phil slurs, grinning a clearly drunk grin, lopsided, all teeth. Stu’s neck is starting to hurt from looking at Phil over his shoulder but the rest of him is too comfortable to move. “Stephanie and I… are fine.”

“Mmh,” Stu manages. “If you say so. You gotta… talk to me, though. When you gotta... talk, I wanna talk t’ you. I wanna know if you're having trouble.”

Phil nods, and he goes oddly quiet. Something in the back of Stu’s mind is screaming ‘ yell at him, push him to talk to you!’ but he tries to act with the little bit of clarity he has left.

“When... we were kids,” He starts, and he recognizes that there's a slur in his voice but Phil is fucked, too, so it shouldn't really matter. “You promised you'd tell me e’rything . I said I'd tell you e’rything too. I even told you that I cried when Debbie Cohen… kissed me during our junior year, 'cuz it was my first kiss and I didn't want it.”

He settles down against Phil again, suddenly too nervous to look him in the face. The wind bites at his cheeks.

“Is there something you're not telling me?” Phil’s voice is soft. It sends Stu back to high school, when he was dating a girl in their Chem class and didn't tell Phil until he was about to ask her to senior prom.

“I'm telling you everything,” Stu promises. He shivers. “I dunno if you're… if you're telling me everything.”

“I am.” Phil’s tone goes from nervous to sharp faster than Stu has ever heard it before. “Drop it.”

 

+

 

Stu is temporarily blinded by the lights from Lauren’s car as she pulls up, finally saving him from his clouded thoughts. His senses start to cut out, but he can feel her shoving the two of them into the back of her car. Phil sits on the far edge of the seat and pouts like a child.

Stu feels himself start to fall asleep -- drinking always makes him tired -- and his eyes open to Phil nudging him with one hand and saying, “Stu, hand’s asleep. Gotta… get up.”

Lauren is there, fully sober, to provide a shoulder for them to lean on when neither of them can walk straight.

Phil almost trips up the stairs to the house, and Lauren decides that getting them to her and Stu’s bedroom on the second floor is too much trouble. She lets them fend for themselves towards the guest room.

Phil, instead of falling asleep, wriggles until he has access to his phone and starts dialing. Stu is aware enough that he's pinning Phil’s other arm to the bed, but he doesn't have the energy to move.

Phil’s phone rings, and a tired voice picks up.

“Why don't you love me anymore?” He asks, loud , into the receiver.

“Phil?”

“I didn't even do anything.”

“Who’sit,” Stu mutters, eyes starting to close.

“Is someone there with you? Are you drunk?”

“It's drunk. I'm… it's Phil. Stu’s here too.” Phil points to Stu as if he can be seen through the phone. “Stu, say hi to Stephanie. I’m not enough for her.”

“Hi, Stephanie,” Stu manages. “Phil’s the best. He's… great guy.”

Stephanie huffs loudly. “We'll talk about this tomorrow. Okay?”

“Okay.” Phil smiles tiredly. “Love you, sweetie.”

Stephanie hangs up. Stu buries his face in Phil’s neck and passes out.

 

+

 

When Stu wakes up, his face is pressed down into a pillow and Phil is gone. Lauren knocks on the doorframe and says, “We need to talk.”

Stu groans and rolls over. “Headache.”

“Stu.” Lauren frowns. “It's important.”

Stu pulls himself out of bed, head pounding. “What’s it?” He yawns.

Lauren presses a quick kiss to his lips and gestures for him follow her, and for him to sit down on the couch next to her.

“I'm not going to give you an ultimatum,” Lauren promises. “I know that love is… intangible, uncontrollable, whatever. But you… You love Phil.”

Stu laughs involuntarily. He winces. “Of course I love him, Lauren, we've been best friends since we were kids.”

Lauren shuts her eyes, takes a breath to steady herself out. “No, Stu, you… You love him. Don't you?”

Stu is suddenly all too aware of his body, but he can't seem to move.

“I don't think that you don't love me.” Lauren’s eyes are still closed. “You aren't cruel like that. You're just… oblivious to people's feelings, especially your own. I think it was selfish of me to marry you, because I could tell. I could tell that you've loved him way more, for way longer, than you've ever loved me.”

Stu can only get the first vowel of what he wants to say -- “I don't fully understand what you're saying, and it scares me so much.” -- off his tongue.

“Just… think about it.” Lauren finally opens her eyes. She puts her hand on his thigh. “I'm happy, like this, even if you do love him. I know that you love me, too, even if it isn't as much.”

“Lauren,” Stu says. His mind is racing a mile a minute. “Phil is married, too, you know. So even if I do… love him. Which I don't. Nothing would happen.”

“I'm just saying.” Lauren smiles sadly. “If there ever was a chance for the two of you, I don't want to be in the way. I'm here for as long as you want me to be here.”

“Are you… Is this you asking me for a divorce or something?”

“I think we should, uh, try a break.” Lauren laughs weakly. “We can reconvene in a week? See how things work out?”

Stu pinches the bridge of his nose. “Okay. If you think so, uh, okay. Okay. A week?”

“I can stay with a friend,” Lauren promises. “You’ll have the house to yourself for a week. Then, we can talk it out.”

Stu frowns, but he nods and obliges when Lauren presses one last kiss to his cheek and stands to pack her bags.

 

+

 

Stu’s first instinct, once Lauren is gone, is to call Phil and ask him to go to a bar. He doesn’t do this for two reasons: One, Phil is the reason this is happening, apparently, and should be the last person he’s speaking to, and two, it’s a Tuesday morning, and Phil is teaching. Likely with a killer hangover, yes, but still teaching.

So instead, he calls up Doug and Tracy, and asks if they want to have lunch.

When they sit down at the restaurant, Doug asks, “Is Lauren coming?” and Stu’s tongue clogs his throat when he tries to say “no,” so he just shakes his head.

His eyes are shot down. Doug tilts his head in questioning, but Tracy asks -- “Oh. Is it because of Phil?” -- before he can open his mouth.

“What?” Stu immediately gets defensive. He draws back. “No. Why would you say that? Did you talk to Lauren?”

Tracy falters. “No, I mean, I know that Phil and Stephanie are having some problems, so I just assumed--”

“-- You don’t assume, Tracy.” Stu sniffs uncomfortable. “It makes an ass out of you.”

Tracy gags. “Gross. You sound like my mom.”

Stu sighs and puts his head in his hands.  After too many moments of silence, he lifts his head to ask, “Is it really that obvious?”

“No,” Doug says, at the same time Tracy says, “Yes.”

Stu blinks. Doug falters and admits, “Yes. Yes, yes, very much so, yes.”

Stu lets out a frustrated groan.

“If it’s any consolation,” Doug goes on to say, “I think he’s totally smitten with you, too.”

 

+

 

Phil invites Stu out for drinks three days into his and Lauren’s break. Stu declines, at first, because he’s sitting on this thing that he and Lauren talked about and he can’t even say out loud what it is without wanting to break down -- then Phil offers to pay, and he sounds really desperate, so Stu meets him at a bar and finds him having already ordered Stu’s regular for him.

Stu takes the drink from him gratefully.

“Are you sure everything’s alright at home?” Stu asks.

Phil takes a sip of his own drink and winces as it slides down his throat. He blinks. “Fine. There’s been some fighting, but it’s nothing that wasn’t there before. I’m sure that sounds like a nightmare compared to how you and Lauren are living.”

Stu laughs nervously. He traces condensation on the wood beneath his drink. “About that…”

Phil’s face falls. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” Stu promises. “Lauren and I are taking a break, is all.”

“Oh.” Phil’s face is blank and sheet-white. “Why?”

Stu’s throat feels like the Sahara when he lies through his teeth. “I don’t know. Wasn’t really working. We needed to try some separation.”

Phil is masking something, Stu can tell, when he gives a sympathetic look and says, “Marriage is a trap, anyway.”

Stu doesn’t really think it is, and he knows that Phil doesn’t think so either.

“I like Lauren,” Stu defends weakly. His hand tightens around his drink. He does . He does like Lauren.

He locks eyes with Phil and insists, “I do.”

Phil grimaces and finishes off his drink.

 

+

 

“Lauren thinks I love someone else,” Stu admits in a stage-whisper over the music, a couple of drinks in.

Phil giggles like it’s high school again. “Who! Who's it?”

Stu shakes his head, eyes catching on Phil’s face -- wide eyes, rosy cheeks, goofy grin. He holds a finger to his lips. “I can’t tell you. It’s a secret.”

Phil pouts exaggeratedly and Stu feels a hit to his stomach.

“I won’t tell anyone,” Phil promises, voice hushed.

Stu shakes his head and finishes off another drink. He wipes his mouth on the back of his hand. “It’s a big secret.”

Phil laughs again, and Stu finds himself staring, so the little common sense he has left tells him to say, “I think you should go home.”

That makes Phil frown. He stares down the empty drink in his hand.

“You’re probably right,” He says, more to himself than Stu.

He kisses Stu’s cheek before he heads out the door, already grabbing at his phone to call a cab. Stu frowns and orders another drink.

 

+

 

Stu shows up at Doug and Tracy’s, killer hangover and all, and pushes his way in without a second thought.

“Stu!” Tracy says, startled. “What are you doing here? Don’t you have work? Did something happen? Are you okay?”

Stu throws himself down on their couch, grabs a throw pillow, shoves it against his face and screams.

Tracy watches him quietly.

“You and Lauren are gonna get a divorce, aren’t you?” She asks softly.

Stu slowly lowers the pillow from his face. His face feels warm, and he’s sure he’s about to die.

“I can’t talk to her,” He says, eyes downcast. “I hate that she knows me better than I do. That means we’re supposed to stay together, right?”

Tracy blinks.

“Not if you’re in love with someone else!”

Stu groans.

“I know,” He says. “I know, I know, I just don’t want to. It’s all so much work, and for what? To pine after my married best friend? What the fuck? If Lauren hadn’t said anything --”

“Stu!” Tracy interrupts. “You should be glad she said something. Would you rather figure it out years too late? You guys haven’t been married for very long, and she understands. It could be so much worse than this.”

Stu deflates. “You’re right. God, I’m totally fucked, aren’t I?”

Tracy sighs and sits down on the couch next to Stu. “Maybe? There’s really no way to tell yet. I think Phil loves Stephanie, for sure, but in the same way you love Lauren.”

Stu grimaces. “Phil’s not a quitter, and he doesn't like to admit defeat.”

Tracy nods solemnly. “I know.”

 

+

 

Stephanie cheated on Phil. That was the big deal. That was the thing that Phil had been so upset about.

Stu can’t fathom how she could want more than Phil. As if he isn’t enough for her. He’s more than she deserves.

And of course Stu feels bad for Phil -- of course! He’d be a monster to not be upset -- but something in him is disappointed that it was only Stephanie.

He talks to Lauren about it, and he talks to her about the break they took, and about how fucking thankful he is for her.

They agree to split for good, and as much as it sucks, Stu’s feelings for Lauren are clearer in that moment than they’ve ever been. He loves her, of course he does. He’s just smitten with someone else, and that sucks .

“I’m sorry,” He tells her, because he is.

She shakes her head and assures him that he doesn’t have to be.

Stu shows up at the motel Phil is staying at that night. It’s raining -- Stu hates driving in the rain, but for Phil, it’s worth it.

Phil opens the door and groans.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Stu asks him, by way of greeting. Phil steps aside to let him in and shuts the door behind him.

“I didn’t want you to make a big deal out of it,” Phil explains. Stu watches him throw himself down on the bed. “You tend to do that. It hasn’t been very long, I didn’t want to --”

“Phil!” Stu interrupts. “You’ve been staying in a motel for a month. I think you could have told me by now. You told Doug but not me?”

Phil buries his face in his hands. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t. Stephanie offered to stay somewhere else, but I thought… with the kids, and everything. I called Doug because his name comes up first in my phone, and -- and -- “

And suddenly Phil is crying, and Stu can’t remember the last time he saw Phil cry. It hits him hard in the chest.

“Phil…” He says, and he wants to be helpful, but how the fuck is he supposed to help? He hesitates before he sits down on the bed next to Phil and wraps an arm around his shoulder.

Phil has his face hidden in his hands, and he’s shaking. He puts his whole weight on Stu’s body. Stu wishes he didn’t feel so fucking useless.

“I’m sorry,” Phil manages quietly. “I’m not… I shouldn’t get like this.”

He wipes his eyes, and looks up at Stu. His nose and cheeks are red.

“I fucking love her, dude,” He says.

Stu gives a sad smile, a squeeze to Phil’s shoulder, and tells him, “I know.”

Chapter 2: TWO: CLOSE THE DOOR IN CASE YOU STAY

Stu offers for Phil to come stay with him for a handful of reasons.

1. Because Phil has been his best friend since high school and he’d be a monster not to offer up his house.
2. Said house has been lonely as all fuck without Lauren around, and even though it hasn’t been very long, he’s already resorted to talking to himself.
3. He has a little bit of hope left for himself somewhere deep in his stomach, however implausible it may be.

It’s morning, now. Stu has been up all night overthinking pretty much every aspect of his life up until this point with Phil only one room over.

Phil knocks on the frame of his bedroom door and pokes his head in. His hair is tousled and there are bags under his eyes. He looks miserable, and it makes Stu’s heart sink.

“You want me to make you breakfast?” He asks, voice soft. He’s looking for something to do.

Stu’s eyes flit over Phil for a second, noting his crooked posture and the desperate glint in his eyes.

“How about we call Doug?” He finally says. “Go out for breakfast. It’s been a while since all three of us did something.”

Phil presses his lips into a thin line. He bows his head.

“Okay,” He says. Stu bites the inside of his cheek. “I’ll go get dressed.”

The door shuts quietly behind him. Stu buries his face in his hands and manages a low, desperate, “Fuck.”

 

+

 

Breakfast would be fine. It really would be, if it weren’t for Doug constantly giving Stu these stupid, pitying looks.

“I’ll kill you,” He mumbles into his coffee. Phil stabs a fork into his waffle.

“Gotta go to the bathroom,” He announces as he stands up from the booth.

Stu buries his face in his hands as soon as he’s sure that Phil can’t see him. Doug leans across the table.

“Are you gonna be okay?” He stage whispers, hand shielding his mouth as if it will change something.

Stu begrudgingly lifts his head from his hands to stare at Doug. “You gotta stop, man. I’m fine, but I’d be more fine if you’d stop looking at me like you’re so fucking sorry for me. I can handle my own, but I can’t fucking stand you looking at me like that.”

Doug frowns and leans back again.

“Oh,” He says, folding his arms. “Right. Sorry. I shouldn’t have -- yeah.”

“It really isn’t a big deal,” Stu promises. “I can get past it. I can get past something I didn’t even know about until, like, two weeks ago. For sure.”

“What?” Phil asks. He sits down again. Stu feels his heart drop to his stomach.

“Nothing,” Doug lies, studying Phil’s face. “We’re talking about Lauren stuff. Anyway, how have you been? How are you holding up?”

Stu is forever grateful for the fact that Doug lies well under pressure. Only under pressure, but that’s good enough for Stu.

“Fine,” Phil says, more to his plate than to one of them. “I will be fine, at least.”

Stu grimaces. He can tell that Phil is lying.

He doesn’t know what the fuck he’s thinking when he reaches across the table to rest his hand on top of Phil’s and say, “I’m sure you will be.”

He runs his thumb over the side of Phil’s hand, and he knows what’s happening even less when Phil doesn’t draw away -- he just looks up at Stu with a grateful smile and says, “You’re right.”

Doug’s mouth opens and closes like a fish. He pushes it shut with two of his fingers under his chin and turns to finishing his breakfast. Stu stares at his hand over Phil’s for a beat before he pulls it back and picks his fork back up with purpose.

“Sorry,” He whispers, but he’s not sure that Phil can hear him. He’s apologizing for his own sake, anyway.

 

+

 

Phil’s old favorite movie comes on TV that night. Drop Dead Fred. It came out when they were sixteen, and Stu has seen it more times than he can count.

It’s stupid, he thinks, that this terrible movie from when he and Phil were sixteen years old still holds up for them. Especially with what bad ratings it got from everyone else.

Phil buries his head in Stu’s neck when he groans playfully, and says, “This is so stupid.”

Stu manages a laugh. He tries not to focus on Phil’s lips ghosting his neck. He thinks that he shouldn’t be so angry at Lauren for pointing this out, but he can’t help it -- it’s all that occupies his mind at this point, and it sucks, because Phil is his friend before anything else.

“I remember,” He says, eyes still trained on the TV, “when this first came out. Doug really didn’t like it. Like, at all, but he had the channels it came on after it was out of theaters so you made him let us watch it at his house.”

Phil lifts his head up and watches Stu’s face with a smile that Stu can barely catch out of the corner of his eye. “He really hated me for that, didn’t he?”

“You wanna call him up?” Stu finally looks at his friend. He doesn’t trust himself alone with Phil anymore. “Ask him if he wants to watch it with us?”

Phil’s smile starts to fade.

“He’d kill us,” He says softly, a bare hint of amusement left in his voice. “Besides. I like spending time with just you.”

Stu’s chest feels tight. “We’ll be spending plenty of time together, now that you’re living here. I hope you don’t get sick of me,” He jokes, to keep himself afloat.

Phil is staring at his face. Stu feels lightheaded, like he’s about to pass out any second now.

He draws away. “I’m gonna turn in for the night.”

“You’re not gonna finish the movie?” Stu asks.

“I have work tomorrow,” Phil says. “Sorry. I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah,” Stu says softly. He gives Phil a faint smile. “See you in the morning.”

 

+

 

Stu doesn’t see Phil in the morning, because Phil took it upon himself to fuck off to only-God-knows-where without bothering to leave a note. His phone goes to voicemail three times, but Tracy picks up and before Stu can breathe out a jumbled mess of concerns, she says, “He’s here, Stu, he’s fine.”

Stu breathes out something of relief and babbles, “But -- but --...”

“Stu,” Tracy says.

“He has work in an hour!”

“He’s already ready,” She promises. “Listen. You can’t get all… overprotective. His wife has been cheating on him, he might need some space. Don’t smother him.”

“Space --” Stu lets out a desperate puff of air.

“He’ll be back after work,” Tracy says. “I’ll make sure of it.”

“Does he want me to meet him on his lunch--!” Dial tone. “Break.”

Stu sighs and shoves his phone in his pocket, and says to himself, “I’m guessing that’s a no.”

 

+

 

Phil comes back an hour or two after Stu gets off of work. A good four hours after Phil himself gets off work. Stu tries not to be visibly upset, or even upset at all, but it proves to be a difficult task.

“Where’d you go this morning?” He asks, while Phil’s face is buried in the fridge. “Can you grab me a beer?”

“Hm?” Phil emerges with two beers and shuts the door. “Oh, uh, I just went to Doug’s place. Wanted to talk to him about some stuff.”

“What kind of stuff?” Stu takes the beer from Phil gratefully and watches Phil sit down next to him.

Phil shrugs. “Stuff, stuff. You know.”

“Right,” Stu says, even though his really doesn’t know. He figures it might be best not to ask. He takes a sip of his drink to keep himself from asking any more stupid questions, and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. “Stuff. How was work?”

“Same old,” Phil says. He glances over at Stu. “You had off today?”

“No.”

Silence covers them like a blanket. Stu feels like he’s suffocating.

“I’m gonna step out,” He says. “I need some air, I need --” It’s hard to cover his panic, but he thinks he manages well enough as he shoves his drink on to the table and pushes himself up off the couch. “I’ll be back in a little, sorry.”

Phil’s eyes drill into the back of his head as he leaves.

 

+

 

Stu starts to adjust, just barely, to living with Phil. It’s nothing like being roommates with him in college, when they were both chasing after pretty blondes in bars and adulthood hadn’t sucker-punched either of them quite yet. Those were simpler times.

He tries to talk to Doug and Tracy, because talking to Lauren about something like this seems just a little too insensitive-slash-cruel, and they’re the only people he can turn to, but the second he brings up Phil they treat him like he’s got the plague.

He feels terrible enough about it already, but that kind of sends him. Enforces the idea that this stupid crush he has is disgusting and wrong and Phil is going to hate him if (when) he finds out .

And it hurts, like, a lot.

Phil starts to worry. Maybe. Stu can never actually tell when Phil is worried, because most of the time, Phil knows how to keep his emotions in check.

(Much unlike Stu, who is scared he’ll spill over at any given moment.)

“How was work?” Stu asks, when Phil gets home one day. That’s the one consistent thing that Stu trusts himself to ask Phil. “How was work?” Because work is always the same, and sometimes Phil has a story about a bratty little kid, and it’s enough to take Stu’s mind off of his stupid, stupid crush, even if it’s just for ten minutes.

“There was a hot sub for the guy in the room next to me,” Phil says. He throws himself down, yanking at his tie to loosen it. “Only eventful thing that happened all day. We ate lunch together.”

Stu frowns. His gut twists.

“You get her number?” He manages, and his mouth feels like the fucking Sahara.

He can see the gears turning behind Phil’s eyes.

“No,” He finally says quietly. “I couldn’t bring myself to. I couldn’t stop thinking about --” He cuts himself off.

“Stephanie,” Stu finishes for him. “I get it.”

Phil’s mouth forms a small ‘o,’ like he’s considering saying something else. After a moment, he shrugs. His eyes fall.

“It is what it is,” He decides.

Stu manages a mangled laugh. “I guess so.”

 

+

 

Things are as normal as they can be. Stu’s mind still wanders, but he’s come to terms with the fact that Phil -- gorgeous, sweet, clever, straight Phil Wenneck -- will want nothing to do with him if he finds out, and to lose his best friend is infinitely worse than living with this secret, so he pushes it down as far as he can.

Tracy and Doug both give Stu these… pitying smiles, whenever they see him. Sometimes, he thinks they might have let something slip to Phil, but there’s no way he’d still be hanging around if they had.

His stomach still ties itself in knots when Phil touches him, but he can deal with that.

Phil goes out to bars, pas de Stu, at this point. He’s becoming more comfortable with his and Stephanie’s split and pending divorce. His kids come and stay with them on the weekend -- they like Stu well enough, Eli especially.

It’s bittersweet, and that’s alright. Until Phil starts bringing people home with him after nights out.

 

+

 

Girl after girl after girl pours through the front door of Stu’s house, seemingly getting younger as they go on. Stu doesn’t blame them, not entirely, but can’t they see he’s vulnerable, and they’re not going to fix him. They can’t. They don’t know him, they don’t know him like Stu knows him.

His skin starts to crack, and jealousy pours through. He goes to Tracy for help, as he always does. She’s sensible. She’ll know what to do.

When he explains everything to her, sitting across from her with a mug of tea between both his hands, Tracy just grimaces.

“That doesn’t…” She says softly. “It doesn’t sound right.”

Stu’s eyebrows furrow. “What?”

Tracy blinks. She shakes her head. “I mean, that’s not how he told me he was gonna handle this. Like, at all.”

“You talked to him?” Stu yelps. He quickly puts his mug down on the coffee table to keep himself from breaking it. “Did you tell him --”

“That you’re super fucking gay for him? No.” Tracy sighs. She runs a hand through her hair. “I’m not an asshole, Stu. I just mean…” She frowns. “Nevermind. You should talk to him about it.”

Stu frowns. “That’s not my strong suit.”

“I know,” Tracy promises. “It’s just that I promised him I… Okay, Stu, look at me.” She grabs his chin and locks eyes with him. “This is the most I can help you with. Talk to him. That’s all the advice I can give you.”

Stu can’t help but be wary, but Tracy has his face in her hands and he’s pretty sure she could crush it in her fist, so he nods. His heart feels caught in his throat.

He’ll talk to Phil. It can’t be that hard.

Chapter 3: THREE: YOU'RE THE ONLY THING I WOULDN'T CHANGE

Notes:

if you can catch the subtle whas reference you win also i'm so sorry

As easy as it’s supposed to be, it takes Stu way too long to actually talk to Phil. By the time he actually gathers up the coward -- it takes at least a month -- Phil is approaching him first.

“Listen,” They both say. At the exact same time.

Stu blinks.

“You first,” They both say.

Phil shakes his head quickly, like he’s shaking something off. It feels too… high school, too romantic comedy. Stu thinks maybe they both know that.

“You first,” Stu says again. Phil frowns.

“I don’t think I can stay here anymore,” He blurts.

They stare at each other for a second. Stu feels like someone ripped out his vocal cords. The world breaks beneath his feet.

Phil knows that Stu isn’t going to say anything. Knows that he can’t. They’ve known each other well enough for long enough.

He draws his foot along the ground in front of him, avoiding Stu’s eyes.

“I’m sorry, Stu,” He continues. “I just… After everything with Stephanie, I don’t think… staying here, and bringing home these girls every night, and I keep showing up to work hungover, and if I stay here -- I just don’t want to put all of this on you. I keep putting my life off.”

“Oh,” Stu finally says. Something’s… missing, from what Phil says, Stu can tell that much.

He swallows hard.

“Thank you so much for, uh, for offering your house, and uh, and for being here for me --”

“I’m always here for you.” Stu’s throat feels dry. “Do… do you have a place yet?”

Stu can tell that Phil knows something is up.

“No,” He says, after a beat. “I’m looking, though, and I’ll be out of your hair as soon as I find a place.”

They stare at each other for too long.

Phil coughs.

“Did you… What did you want to say?”

“What?” Stu remembers a little late. He forces a smile. “It’s nothing. It’s just, uh. Nevermind. I’ll… Yeah, nevermind.”

He ducks his head and beelines towards his room. It’s all he can do to keep Phil from seeing the tears welling up in his eyes.

 

+

 

It takes a couple of hours, but Phil knocks on his bedroom door that night. Stu’s more than thankful -- he’s been staring at the wall and letting his tears dry up for at least the last thirty minutes.

“I made dinner,” Phil says. He doesn’t have to say that he can tell Stu is upset.

Stu blinks, still staring at the wall, unable to face Phil.

“I’ll be right out,” He says softly. His tongue feels like a doormat.

Phil hesitates in the doorway. “Okay.”

The door clicks softly when he leaves. The weight of Stu’s dread keeps him from standing up quite yet.

 

+

 

Dinner is an awkward affair. It’s always Phil’s go-to, to make Stu dinner, when he can’t figure out where his misstep was.

“How was work today?” He asks.

Stu stabs his fork into his spaghetti, hard.

“Fine.”

Phil nods.

“Hey, are you, uh…” He bites his lip. “Are you mad at me? Because I don’t think -- I just don’t want to be a bother, and --”

“It’s fine, Phil,” Stu insists. He laughs, because it’s all he can do. “It’s fine. I’m not mad. I get it.”

He pushes his plate away.

“Thanks for dinner,” He says, “but I’m not all that hungry.”

Phil frowns. “Oh.”

“Sorry.”

They stare at each other for a little too long.

“I’m gonna step out,” Stu says. “I think I need some air.”

“I’ll find you --” Phil is saying, but Stu’s already out the door.

He leans against the closed door behind him, shoves his hands into his pockets, and walks with purpose. He doesn’t think he can keep living like this.

 

+

 

Stu runs into Alan outside the corner store. He’s staring at the pack of cigarettes in his hand when Alan approaches him from behind, three 2-liter bottles of Pepsi clutched to his chest.

“Stuart,” He says.

Stu jumps. His heart is in his throat until he notices that it’s just Alan.

Just Alan -- he can’t help but laugh at himself for thinking that, that he’d prefer to see Alan, who has almost gotten him killed countless times, than Phil right now.

He sighs. “Hey, Alan.”

“Pepsi?” Alan awkwardly shoves his chest towards Stu in an attempt to offer up a bottle of soda. Stu politely declines, fumbling to get a lighter out of his pocket.

Alan shrugs.

“I didn’t know you smoked,” He says.

Stu doesn’t provide him with a response to that. He lights a cigarette and sticks it in his mouth hastily. Alan nods.

“Right. Is Phil here?”

Stu breathes hard out of his nose. “No.”

“That sucks,” Alan says, blunt as always. “I guess you’re fine, though.”

“Thanks, Alan.”

Alan blinks. “I’m gonna go.”

“Please do.”

“Tell Phil I said hi.”

“Okay.”

Alan gives him one last sideways look before he goes. Stu puts his cigarette out on his jeans and leaves the opposite way.

 

+

 

It takes another week and a half, but Phil eventually finds an apartment.

He sits down next to Stu, and says, blunt as ever, “I found a place.”

Stu’s hand tightens around his glass of water.

“Good for you,” He says. He puts the water on the table, afraid he’ll break the glass from squeezing it too hard.

“I haven’t actually, one hundred percent agreed to it,” Phil goes on to say. He spares a glance towards Stu, but immediately turns his gaze to his feet. “I can tell that you don’t want me to leave.”

Stu sighs. “It’s not... Do what you’ve gotta do, man.”

“Hey, if you don’t want to live alone after Lauren --”

“That’s not it,” Stu interrupts. He buries his head in his hands. “It’s not about Lauren, none of this is about Lauren. I love Lauren, and Lauren loves me back, but I… nevermind.”

“-- I could stay.”

For some reason, that makes Stu angry.

“Don’t stay for me. ” He’s suddenly defensive. “Stay because you… stay because you fucking want to.”

Phil draws back. He stands up.

“Okay, Stu, look at me,” He says, but Stu isn’t sure if he can. “I’ve been quiet for long enough, but you’ve been acting pretty fucking weird lately, and I can’t stand it. I tried to be nice because you’re my best fucking friend and I care about you, and I --” He stops, looking thrown for a second, but then he jumps right back into it. “And you were nice enough to let me stay here, and that’s great, but I’m not your fucking replacement for Lauren and it isn’t fair for you to treat me like I am!”

Stu blinks. He touches his eyes. He isn’t sure when he started crying, but he doesn’t have enough time to think about it.

“That’s not fair of you!” He points a shaking finger at Phil. “To think that I’m replacing Lauren with you. I don’t know if you remember, because you were fucking wasted -- as you always are --” Phil scoffs at that, running a hand through his hair, but Stu powers through. He’s stood up at this point to meet Phil’s eyes. “Lauren and I split up on mutual terms, and I am not upset about it. I let you stay here for you , so if you don’t want to stay, you don’t have to!”

Phil rolls his eyes in the most dramatic way possible and says, “It’s always fucking about you, isn’t it? What I’m doing to you? I can’t fucking do this, I have to go.”

He starts to the door, and Stu desperately asks, “Why are you being such an asshole?”

And before he can register what’s happening, Phil whips around to look at him, red in the face, and yells, “Because I’m in love with you!”

Silence covers them. Stu feels like he’s drowning in it. They stare at each other for way too long.

“I’m gonna go,” Phil says quietly, and he’s out the door before Stu can tell him to wait.

 

+

 

Tracy calls Stu three times before he summons the energy to pick up the phone.

“Hello?” He answers tiredly.

“What did you say to Phil?” Tracy asks immediately. “He’s freaking out. Did you tell him?”

“What? No,” Stu manages. His heart is racing. “Is he okay? He left before I could ask him about --”

“Oh,” Tracy interrupts. “ He told you. See, I told Doug that I should intervene, but he said that he knows you two better than I do and you have to work it out yourselves, and all that bullshit, but now Phil’s crying at my dining room table so who’s smart now?”

“You are,” Stu tells her. “Listen, uh, can I come over there?”

Tracy pauses to think about that for a second.

“You probably shouldn’t,” She finally says. “But yeah. I’m not telling them you’re coming, though. Phil will try and leave.”

Stu laughs despite himself. “He does that. I’ll, uh, I’ll be right over. I’m sorry we keep getting you caught up in this.”

“It’s fine,” Tracy tells him. “I’ll see you in a minute.”

 

+

 

Stu considers turning around when he reaches Doug and Tracy’s front door, but he gets over himself, reminds himself that Phil is upset in there and it’s Stu’s job to fix that, and knocks on the door before he can talk himself out of it.

Doug answers, and when he sees Stu, his face falls.

“You’re a fucking idiot,” He says.

Stu nods. “I know. Can I come in?”

Doug steps aside, and he puts a finger to his lips to make sure that Stu stays quiet. His heart drops when he hears Phil’s faint sniffling in the other room. He’s never heard Phil cry like that before.

Phil’s head is down on the dining room table, so Stu takes the opportunity to sit down across from him while he isn’t looking.

“What am I, a fucking idiot?” Phil mumbles into his arm. “He’s just… He’s fucking… I shouldn’t have said anything.”

It registers to Stu that Phil thinks he’s talking to Doug, and he tries to say something, but his vocal cords fail him.

“It’s stupid, I’m stupid, I’m --”

“No you’re not,” Stu finally manages. Phil’s head whips up, and suddenly he’s angry. He looks around frantically, for Doug or Tracy, but neither of them are anywhere to be found -- they had the common sense to give Stu and Phil some space.

“You fucking --”

“Phil,” Stu interrupts, but he stops there.

Seeing Phil like this has suddenly given him the confidence to say something, but his voice doesn’t want to cooperate, so instead he just leans across the table and catches Phil’s lips in his.

Phil goes along with it until he evidently thinks better of himself and stands up, tearing away from Stu like he’s on fire.

“What are you --” He’s spluttering. “Why did you -- Why did y… you think you can just --!”

It turns into incoherent rambles and Stu is surprised at himself for managing to stay this calm.

“Phil,” He says, and he even manages to laugh. “Phil, calm down.”

“Why did you do that?” Phil asks, practically shaking. “Is this some sort of joke to you?”

Stu’s heart plummets. “A joke? It’s not a joke -- Phil, please, calm down, let me --”

“You can’t fuck with me like that, Stu!” Phil runs his hands through his hair, and he looks like he’s going to pull it all out in his fists.

“Phil, I love you,” Stu blurts.

Phil stops. He laughs. “No. No, you don’t. You loved Lauren. You can’t -- You don’t.”

“Lauren left me because she knew I loved you,” Stu says. He’s eerily calm, and kind of freaking himself out, but he goes with it. “I’ve been fucking tearing myself up over it. I didn’t think…”

“Stephanie didn’t cheat on me,” Phil blurts. He sits down, hiding his face. “I cheated on her. With a fucking doctor that I met at a bar. This guy…”

“A doctor?” Stu asks. He bites back a smile.

Phil looks up at him desperately. “A dentist.”

They stare at each other for a second.

And then Stu laughs.

Phil blinks. “What? What’s so funny?”

“You cheated on your wife --” Stu is giggling like an idiot. “With a dentist. It wasn’t me.”

“It wasn’t you,” Phil says, and he’s trying so hard to stay mad, but it’s clearly not working. “I think I’d know if it was you.”

Stu covers his mouth, suffocating another laugh. He shakes his head and says, “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t laugh.”

Phil hangs his head. After a minute, he finally says, “So you really want me to stay?”

“Is that what you got out of this?” Stu laughs.

Phil shrugs. “Yeah, that’s it. That you want me to stay at your house.”

Stu bites his lip. He smiles.

“Yeah,” He says. “I’d really like it if you stayed.”