What Does Everybody Want?

by DeadmanDairyland

Summary:

Dudleyville, 11:30 PM, Friday. In a seedy motel owned by Big Dick Dudley, two long-distance lovers came together for a night of passion.

Chapter 1: What Does Everybody Want?

Dudleyville, 11:30 PM, Friday. In a seedy motel owned by Big Dick Dudley, two long-distance lovers came together for a night of passion.

Yoshihiko had never been to Dudleyville before, having lived in Japan for most of his life, and he was still working on his English, but his long-time online partner was nothing if not supportive and gave him the courage to visit them for this night on the town.

Their first time seeing each other face to face was nothing short of memorable. Yoshihiko's eyes stared lovingly into the eyes of his partner, who was waiting for him at the airport.

"Head!"

A ring assistant throws Yoshihiko at

Yoshihiko threw himself at Head, his arms wrapped around Head's... head... as he planted kiss after kiss all over Head's face. They had been planning this for months, and now they were finally together.

The ring assistant pulls Yoshihiko off of Head, who is being held by another ring assistant, who may or may not be Al Snow.

"Well? Aren't you going to show me around?" Yoshihiko asked Head.

Head nodded and gestured for Yoshihiko to come with them.

The ring assistants take Yoshihiko and Head to an amusement park.

"I'm hungry," Yoshihiko said as soon as they arrived at the amusement park. "I could use a snack."

"Well, why don't we get some cotton candy then?" Head suggested.

"Ooh, I love cotton candy!" Yoshihiko said excitedly.

The ring assistants orders cotton candy for their props and sat them down at a table. One assistant smooshes cotton candy into Yoshihiko's lifeless face.

Yoshihiko giggled. "This is delicious!"

"It's not as delicious as you," Head said amorously.

Yoshihiko blushed. "Oh my...! So forward."

"You know it, babe," Head said.

The ring assistant who may or may not be Al Snow covers one of Head's eyes to simulate winking.

"So, where to next?" Head asked when they finished their cotton candy.

"You know, I've always wanted to ride a ferris wheel," Yoshihiko said. "I'd love to see what the park looks like from high up."

The ring assistants brought Yoshihiko and Head with them on the ferris wheel.

"Whoa! Everyone looks like ants from up here!" Yoshihiko said with glee.

Head smiled at Yoshihiko. "It's a shame we didn't do this at night. It would have been more romantic, don't you think?"

"The daytime can still be romantic," Yoshihiko countered. "I don't see how the absence of sunlight makes a difference."

"What about sunsets?" Head questioned. "Don't you think sunsets are romantic?"

"That's different. Sunsets are objectively beautiful."

"Then perhaps we should do this again when the sun sets," Head suggested.

"Maybe some other time," Yoshihiko said sheepishly. "I think the height is starting to get to me."

"Alright. Some other time then."

 

---

 

Their time at the amusement park was mostly uneventful, as they were too short and lifeless to ride most of the rides, but they spent quite a lot of time playing carnival games. A ring assistant Yoshihiko won a few games of ring toss and gave Head a few stuffed animals as gifts.

After their trip they headed to the motel where they would later spend their night. The ring assistants The two lovers dropped their prizes off in their room before heading to their next destination: a cozy little Italian restaurant.

"You look lovely, by the way," Head said with a swoon in their voice.

"I'm just dressed how I normally dress," Yoshihiko said, gesturing toward his Hulk Hogan-style attire. "But now that we're on the topic, did you do something with your hair? It looks nice."

"Styled it up nice for you, babe," Head said with another "wink."

Yoshihiko giggled as the waiter--Little Guido--handed them a large plate of spaghetti and meatballs.

"Man, I haven't had authentic Italian food in a while," Head said as a ring assistant who may or may not have been Al Snow they twirled their pasta with their fork. Yoshihiko was amazed by Head's ability to move things telepathically.

"Courtesy of the authentic Italian chef, J.T. Smith," Little Guido told them before leaving the table.

Yoshihiko and Head began to dig in to to the spaghetti as accordion music played in the background. At one point they picked up the same strand of spaghetti at the same time without realizing it, and they were drawn together into a kiss by the sneaky noodle. A ring assistant puts blush stickers on Yoshihiko Yoshihiko blushed. So far the night was everything he had ever dreamed of. And it was only going to get better.

 

---

 

Yoshihiko was nervous, but also very excited. If things were to go as he expected they would, it would be his first time.

They entered the motel lobby. Behind the reception desk was Joel Gertner, who gave them a knowing wink after giving them a room. And a gesture with his fingers simulating penetration.

The two found their room and they went inside. From there, the ring assistant who may or may not have been Al Snow opts out, saying that this is getting too crazy even for him. The remaining ring assistant places them on the bed facing each other.

Yoshihiko and Head stared at each other with love in their eyes. This was it. The moment they dreamed of for so long.

"You sure you want to do this?" Head asked.

"Of course I do," Yoshihiko said, giving Head his consent.

"I'm sorry that there's not a whole lot I can do for you," Head admitted with a frown. "You know, what with being a head and all."

"It's okay," Yoshihiko said with a smile. "I'm just happy to be here with you."

Head nodded and looked down at the nothing between Yoshihiko's legs. "Well, let's get started, shall we?"

The ring assistant puts Head between Yoshihiko's legs, their mouth over where his crotch would be.

"OH! YES! YES! HEAD!" Yoshihiko shouted in ecstacy. "YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT! YOU KNOW WHAT I NEED! YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE!"

And as if on cue, Yoshihiko's phone started ringing.

"OH COME ON!" Yoshihiko groaned. "The worst timing imaginable!"

The ring assistant brings the phone to the side of Yoshihiko's head.

"What is it, Akihiro?" an annoyed Yoshihiko asked into the phone.

"I just wanted to see how my big brother was doing," Akihiro said in a singsong voice.

"I'm doing great, thank you," Yoshihiko muttered. "Hey, can this wait? I'm kind of in the middle of something."

"Ohh... I see," Akihiro said coyly. "You're getting yourself some head, aren't you?"

"Damn it, Akihiro!" Yoshihiko said, frustrated. "Now is not the time!"

"Alright, I'll leave you alone, oni-chan. Sayonara!" And the phone line went dead.

Yoshihiko groaned. "Mood ruined..."

"Aw, don't be like that," Head said playfully. "What do you say we pick up where we left off..."

Yoshihiko chuckled. "Can't say no to that, can I?"

Then the depraved ring assistant slams them together a bunch of times before calling it a day. The two are left on the bed for the night as the ring assistant goes into the next room and cries himself to sleep.

"I love you, Head," Yoshihiko said dreamily as he began to drift off to sleep.

"I love you too, Yoshihiko," Head said back before they too fell into a deep and peaceful slumber.

Chapter 2: What Does Everybody Need?

Summary:

"Hey, can you give us five--"

A fist connected with Yoshihiko's face and sent him flying across the room.

Notes:

For some reason I decided to continue this fic.

There are no plans for an actual plot though. It's all crack.

Rays of sunlight brightened up a seedy motel room in Dudleyville, stirring the lovers in the room awake.

Yoshihiko slowly opened his eyes and looked over at Head. He couldn't help but be enamored by their beauty as they began to wake up from their slumber as well.

"Did you sleep well, Love?" Yoshihiko asked.

"Not really," Head admitted. "But I think it's because of the mattress, to be honest."

"Need a massage?" Yoshihiko asked.

"Yes, please."

The ring assistant reaches over to the nightstand where a bottle of Head and Shoulders sits. He grabs the shampoo bottle and puts it next to Head. He then places Yoshihiko's hands on the shampoo bottle.

"Mmm... Right there. That's it..." Head swooned as Yoshihiko worked out all of Head's kinks.

There was a knock on the door at that moment, startling the two lovers.

"Housekeeping!" said an unknown voice on the other side.

Yoshihiko sighed. "Why are we always being interrupted?"

Head laughed. "It's okay. Just tell them to give us five minutes."

Yoshihiko nodded and got out of bed. He went over to the door and opened it.

"Hey, can you give us five--"

A fist connected with Yoshihiko's face and sent him flying across the room.

"WHAT THE FUCK?!" Head cried out in shock.

A group of people dressed in rather conservative clothing entered the motel room.

"Such deplorable language!" their leader exclaimed as he straightened his necktie. "We must censor this fanfiction at once!"

"Who the fuck--?" Head started.

"Upupup!" the leader interrupted, his finger pointing upward accusingly.

"...The heck are you?" Head finished.

"I am Steven Richards," the man said, "and we are Right to Censor. We're here to clean up all the dirty and depraved fanfiction of the world, starting with yours!"

"There won't be any lemons in this fruit basket," Bull Buchanan added, his arms crossed in an intimidating manner.

After the conservative group made sure both Yoshihiko and the Head and Shoulders bottle were dressed modestly, they left the motel, congratulating each other on a job well done.

 

---

Big Boss Man arrived at the scene, watching as the paramedics put a knocked out Joel Gertner in a neckbrace. He turned to Head and Yoshihiko, who were covered in blankets and shaking from the ordeal.

"So you're saying the perpetrators called themselves Right to Censor?" Big Boss Man asked to clarify the situation.

"Yes, officer," Head affirmed with a nod.

"That's strange. Usually groups like that egg you on so you'll punch them in the face, so they can sue you in court," Big Boss Man mused. "These fellas don't seem too bright."

"I mean, they did tell us who they were after they assaulted Yoshihiko, so..." Head pointed out.

"Yep. Not bright at all."

At that moment another squad car showed up and crashed into the neon sign outside of the motel. The impact didn't seem to affect the siren at all, as it blared loudly enough to wake the dead.

"Oh, no... Not him..." Big Boss Man said with a disappointed sigh, shaking his head.

"HOLLA IF YOU HEAR ME!" Scott Steiner shouted as he left the squad car, the sunlight reflecting off his shades.

"WHAT?" a bald bystander asked, unable to hear Steiner over the sound of his cop car's loud-ass siren.

"I SAID HOLLA IF YOU HEAR ME!" Scott repeated.

"WHAT?"

"GODDAMMIT I SAID HOLLA IF YOU HEAR ME!"

"WHAT?"

"GIMME A FUCKIN' MEGAPHONE!"

Steiner reached into his squad car to pull out a megaphone.

"THAT'S BETTER," he said, now louder than ever before. "NOW WHAT'S THIS I HEAR 'BOUT SOME FUCKIN' FAT ASSES CENSORING OUR FUCKIN' FANFICTION?"

"That's not really our priority right now--" Big Boss Man tried to say, but he was cut off.

"I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT PRIORITIES AND SHIT, I'M HERE TO FUCK UP SOME SELF-RIGHTEOUS JACKASSES! I DIDN'T GET MY FUCKIN' MATHMATICIAN'S DEGREE TO LET SOME JACKASSES TELL ME I CAN'T SAY 'FUCK' WHENEVER I FUCKIN' WANT."

"What are you talking about?" Big Boss Man asked, confused by what was happening.

"WHAT I'M SAYING IS YOU DON'T NEED TO WORRY ABOUT THOSE BOZOS, BECAUSE I'M COMIN' FOR 'EM. AND I'M GONNA FEED THEM THEIR OWN ASSES. ON FUCKIN' DINNER PLATES. ON A LUXURIOUS DINING ROOM TABLE. WITH CANDLESTICKS AND FINE CHINA AND SHIT."

"That won't be necessary," Big Boss Man said.

"HOW COME?"

"I've already called my special forces team," Big Boss Man explained.

Seemingly out of nowhere, helicopters circled in around the scene. Ladders dropped down, and down came Seth Rollins, Dean Ambrose, and Roman Reigns in riot squad gear.

Steiner scoffed. "OH, OF COURSE. THESE FUCKIN' GUYS. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHIN'. THE WAY I SEE IT, YOU GUYS GOT A 33 AND 1/3% CHANCE OF FINDING THESE JACKASSES BEFORE I DO, BECAUSE I'M TWICE THE MAN OF ALL OF YOU COMBINED. WHICH MEANS THAT EACH OF YOU INDIVIDUALLY HAS AN 11 AND 1/9% CHANCE OF FINDIN' THEM. SO YOU TAKE THAT 11 AND 1/9% CHANCE, AND SUBTRACT THAT FROM 100%, THEN THAT MEANS I GOT AN 88 AND 8/9% CHANCE OF FINDING THEM FIRST. SO YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST GO BACK TO YOUR FUCKIN' DOGHOUSE AND LET THE ADULTS HANDLE THIS."

"What is even happening right now?" Yoshihiko asked from the sidelines.

"I have no idea," Head admitted.

 

---

As Scott Steiner continued to cause a scene at the motel, Right to Censor was already boarding a train out of Dudleyville.

"Alright, Goodfather," Steven Richards called to the train's conductor on his phone. "Let us take the No Train out of this wretched place."

"I think you mean the Ho Train," the voice on the other end of the line said.

Steven gasped as he and the other Right to Censor members looked around them. From one side of the train car to the other the car was packed with sex workers, all of whom were looking for greener pastures after Tumblr changed its NSFW policy.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Steven shouted to the heavens as he sank to his knees in despair. His group had failed in their mission. The lewd wasn't going to go away. It would forever remain, whether he liked it or not.