Work Text:
Dear Sirius,
this morning Dora told me she was pregnant. I am going to be father. She was so happy and I only wanted to scream, but I pretended a smile and hugged her.
I messed up. I messed all up. I didn't love her, I don't love her and now there is a baby and I don't want him.
I wanted to know her because she was the closer thing to you. I hoped to find you in her, and I believed it, for a while. It worked between us, for a while. The way she spoke, the way she moved. She was your cousin after all, I had to believe that you were alike.
I was seeing you. In her laugh I was hearing you.
I really did.
But then I realized that was me. I was forcing myself to see what I wanted, to hear what I wanted. You weren't there,and neither did I.
I died the day you died, with the only exception that now you are there and I am here.
Are you waiting for me?
Are you happy where you are?
I miss you.
I am sorry.
I am not happy, but I think you can see it. You can see me where you are, right? I have to believe this, because this is the only thing that keeps me going.
I would give my life to see you again, one last time, to tell you that I love you.
My only big regret is never told you that. Because I did love you, now I know, and I don't want to lie to myself anymore.
I know you loved me too. We were too stupid and too young to face the truth.
Do you regret it?
I do.
I miss you.
Some nights I dream about you. I see your face and your hands and your hair. I see your smile and your eyes. And you are so beautiful and so real that is so difficult to realize that you are gone when I wake up.
Some days I can't even get out of bed.
Some days I can't even breathe.
Some days I can feel you so close to me that I don't know if you are less dead or I am less alive.
Why?
Why you?
You didn't reserve it.
I didn't reserve it.
We were broken but we could have been happy together. We could have fixed each other.
But the death got you before I could.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Do you remember that night on the Astronomy Tower? Of course you do.
It was the first time we saw each other naked. You kissed all my scars, one by one. I have never felt so beautiful like that night in your hands.
I betrayed you.
Oh God.
I betrayed you.
I didn't believe you and I left you in that cell for twelve years. Oh God, oh my God.
Do you forgive me?
Please, please. I need you forgiveness. I know you didn't blame me, but I do.
You know what? I hate you.
Yes, I hate you.
You weren't supposed to leave me, but you did, and I can't forgive you. Because you knew how fragile I was, how fragile I am and you weren't supposed to leave me alone.
How dare you?
How?
I miss you and you are not there and you never will be.
I am sorry, I am sorry. I don't hate you, I will never hate you.
I am so so sorry.
Do you think about me?
I do.
If you were here, you would tell what to do.
If you were here, I wouldn't be in this situation.
If you were here, all would be different.
I miss you, and I will always miss you.
Dora is so happy and I have this weight on my chest and I can't breathe.
I wish I could talk to you, touch you.
I miss your skin and its smell.
I'm tired, Sirius. I'm tired of fighting.
The monster in me screams and it is so strong and I can't handle this anymore.
I lost James and you that night and then you came back and then I lost you again and I can't handle this anymore.
Please, please, be close to me. I need it. I need you close to me, please.
Help me through this, because I can't do this alone.
Forgive me, if you can.
I will see you soon.
With all the love I have, Moony.