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I felt as though I was drowning and there was no way out. I had grown accustomed to these constant feelings anyway, it wasn’t anything new or unheard of.
‘Bruce seems quiet,’ ‘ Oh no that’s just how he is,’
‘Bruce seems upset,’ ‘Oh no that’s just him,’
‘Bruce looks like he may kill himself,’ ‘Oh he’s tried… many times, but he can’t’
I guess it’s a good thing that nobody can really tell when i’m at my worst because I seem like I am all the time, or i’m just good at hiding it. Either way, it didn’t matter. Whenever I have gotten into these extremely low levels of depression it never really ends well. That’s why at this very moment i’m oh so very grateful for one of Tony Stark’s greatest inventions yet. A cage. Built just for the other guy… well, me.
My team likes to think we are somehow different, as though the Hulk didn’t come from my overly messed up mind. But he did. I try my hardest as well to think we are separate, but we really aren't. With everything I had gone through in my childhood, the abuse I had endured, the Hulk was something I created. Was something that had grown from the depths of my mind to protect me when I needed it. And then in time I buried it- him- whatever you wanna call it, as far as I could… I actually forgot he existed for a while there. But as soon as the experiment went and fucked up my life, here he comes bursting right out of the seams.
My experiment gone wrong. My messed up mind. My faults.
Deep breaths, Bruce, lets just see how long you can last without losing yourself completely today.
Green speckled across my arms, it didn’t look like it was fading anytime soon. My mind was already far enough. It’s only a surprise i’m not completely all big and green right now.
I had been going over some recent experiments to find ways on curing the Hulk- me, curing me and my monster. Without the help of the team of course, the risks I have put myself through- I should be dead if I were “normal”. There was no way they would even remotely allow it. But it has to be done. He- I need to be stopped, before I hurt more people again and again and again…
The green was now up to my elbow.
I think someone is talking to me from the outside of my cage but it’s hard to hear. There’s too much noise in my brain now to even comprehend.
Everyday I think about the life I could’ve had if the explosion hadn’t of ever happened. Maybe Betty and I could’ve lived a happy, sustained life. Where we could’ve had a child. Only for me to then become just like my father. I could’ve- would’ve ruined their lives.
I wasn’t meant to be happy- not ever. The Banner’s curse, my father- Brian, liked to call it.
The thought of Betty’s skull hitting the pavement as i pushed her that little bit too hard (just like what my father had done to my mother a lifetime ago), the terrified look on our child’s face as they watched from inside the car (just as I did, I didn’t even do anything- why didn't I do anything?!).
Both of my arms were now covered in green.
Deep breaths were pointless really. There is nothing that can truly calm me, not when im like this especially.
It is a wonder that I haven’t killed my team- my friends yet. Though the amount of times it has come close to it has brought me nearly to the point of leaving them altogether.
I remember waking up in rubble, the distant memories of earlier that day slowly coming to mind. I had been in the lab working on something with Tony, something supposedly safe. But he of course did something risky and blew up most of our lab, the rest of the mess was my fault of course. As I became aware of my surroundings I had noticed Tony, his face covered in blood that had now dried. How long had he been just lying there? Seconds, minutes… hours? Not long after, though it felt like hours to me, Natasha and Steve came rushing in. They had helped Tony first without even a second glance at me. Thankfully... I wouldn’t want it any other way, but that didn’t make the gesture hurt any less. I knew I was expendable anyway, Tony was the real hero of this team. The man who had done a whole lot of good then I have ever done. I didn’t even deserve to be on this team.
No one had blamed me for what I did to Tony, not to my face at least (I know I hurt him, I caught a glance at the massive bruises upon his arm that had appeared after the incident. Hand marks, that had turned to bruises.)
But no one looked me in the eyes for a while after that. They were afraid of me. Well a little more than what they were in the beginning. (Everyone is afraid whether they mean to or not) I mean, who wouldn’t be? Who in their right mind would not be afraid of a savage, mindless killing machine? I’m even afraid of myself.
Another time was when I had an argument with Steve. This didn’t result in me hulking out but I did show the true monster inside of me. The words I said, I can never take back. And everyone’s faces as they heard the words that came out of the man who always keeps to himself and is polite and soft. It truly shocked them all. Even Tony- Tony was beyond speechless. And that was saying something, he was the man who had a response to everything. I can't even remember what the argument had been about (something ridiculous obviously, though i remember having a pretty shit day anyway) but I knew it was an occurrence that Steve and i will never bring up again. I honestly think Steve is plotting to get rid of me as we speak. It would probably feel better to be kicked out of the team then to leave myself anyway. If i'm kicked out then the door is forever closed behind me with no way back in. But if I leave on my own terms then in a way, the door is still open and I can come running back like a coward for whatever reason that may be. Well that’s how I think of it anyway.
I can finally feel the fabric in my shirt and paints start to tear at the seams as my muscles now start to swell, the transformation well underway. There wasn’t anything to stop it now, no deep breaths to keep me calm.
“Bruce! Bruce, buddy come on. You just need to breath!”
Tony… That was Tony yelling from outside of the cage. Why was he even here? I’m sure he had much better things to do then try and help me.
“Go away,” I replied, my voice gravelly and deep, it made me flinch upon hearing it.
I didn’t look up, only keeping my eyes upon my vibrant green skin. Watching, studying the way my muscles began to bulge as my mind begins to swim with so much emotions it’s hard to even register.
I can feel everything intensifying, more than my brain can even register and my vision hazed in green.
It was always surprising to feel the difference when I actually accept the transformation or when i’m trying to hang on- to not give into my monster.
But god, did it feel good to just let go. To not have to keep my emotions in check just so i don’t kill anyone in the goddamn facility. It’s a fucking nightmare making sure I dont slip. With the stub of my toe on a bad day I could bring the whole building down if I felt like it.
Finally I looked up at Tony’s face, worry clearly written all upon it. Was Tony truly worried about me? How could someone even remotely care about a monster like me? I didn’t deserve it. I didn’t deserve anything.
And that was the last thing before my mind was washed completely away, leaving me in pure darkness. Only to awaken once again, fearing for what I had destroyed as well as the lives I may have taken away this time.