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Bernie and Serena have body issues, some in the same way and some in complete opposite ways. This is to show that beauty isn’t just skin deep, that love and being in love, can not only come from loving yourself first and foremost but allowing others to show that having a body that is imperfect, is perfect in itself.
Perfection is boring after all!
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright
Bernie hates the way her mind works sometimes. Makes her run rather than seek solace in the one person who has her back, unconditionally. However no matter how far she runs, she is drawn back into Serena’s forgiving arms.
Serena has fallen head over heals in love with the lone wanderer, the lone Wolfe! She allows her to go, travel, teach and build new units, she follows where she can, gives Bernie the time with her to heal her fractured mind. To build the broken piece the pieces together and glue them. They both know that it will never be perfect but take what they can, what time they have together, however short.
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
Serena morns the loss of her daughter. Drinks herself to oblivion night after night, to stop herself drowning in grief. The only light at the end of the tunnel is Bernie who stays by her side, holds her tight and loves her unconditionally. They both know that this grief will never leave Serena, hopefully one day she will learn to live with it, yet still, be happy.
There only choice is to move on, life still goes on after all, even if her daughters heart stops beating once more.
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you
Serena shows Bernie each day how much she loves her body. Bernie still has major hang ups over her scars, especially the one down the centre of her chest. The one that Guy and Oliver did to mend her fractured spine and restart her heart again, by hand, slowly and gently squeezing life back into her body.
Every time Bernie tries to hide her scar, Serena goes and undoes another button or two on her shirts, pulls is slightly open, or reaches a low v neck top and begs her to wear it.
Serena for one is very thankful for that scar.
The operation to save her girlfriend and lover, that one that brought her to Holby.
Every night it is Serena that gently rubs bio oil into the skin, but before she does, she spends time kissing and tattooing Bernie’s body with praise and love. Each scar gets its own kiss, tended to separately, until Bernie is lying limply underneath her. Finally allowing herself to think of these scars as someone who was brave, who saved countless lives and was a hero. The first in line was Serena, the rest could line up behind her.
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every move
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you
Serena feels her weight is an issue. Compares herself to Bernie and others like Jac all the time. Ensures that every inch is covered, maybe flaunts her cleavage every now and then, she supposes thats bit is ok. That and her eyes. She absolutely hates her chin too, the way it dimples in the centre. Jason she is sure takes pleasure when he points out the wrinkles by her eyes, all too often now a days, when she frowns for long periods; he likes to count them and tell her if she has an extra frown line or three.
Bernie doesn’t see why, why she doesn’t like her sexy curves, her nice thighs that have a slight wobble but ride her like no other; she is sure that Serena rode horses in her younger days. Bernie loves the gentle roundness of her belly, her own leopard print embedded on her stomach, from when she grew Elinor in there, lines now silver rather than pink.
Bernie loves to lay Serena down, kisses her all over her torso, paying special attention to where Serena is self conscious, telling her in fine detail what she loves, how she feels beneath her fingers and mouth. How her body moulds to Bernie’s like a jigsaw puzzle, yin and yang, two separate entities moulding together to make something new, something whole, something complete.
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind
Bernie’s nightmares keep them both awake. Flashbacks of her time in the army, the comrades she has lost, maimed and killed right before her feet. The accident too, the IED that flipped her armoured vehicle and shattered it in to pieces, caused injuries to herself and to her colleagues.
In her nightmares she feels trapped, tries to crawl out of the small space but her body won’t work. Half awake, she cries out into the darkness, it is Serena that holds her tight, whispers words that she can just about hear, that pulls her out of the nightmare and back into the safety if their bedroom.
Bernie shudders at loud bangs, a car backfires and she collapses to the floor, on the carpark. Her body is splayed out, her hands covering her head, like protection. She curls into herself as it backfires once again. Serena turns around and goes in search of her girlfriend, knows that these things can cause her to think she is back again in the war zone. When she gets to Bernie, Bernie pulls her to the floor, covers Serena’s body with her own until Serena can talk her around, back to the carpark in Holby and not on the desert track in Afghanistan or Iraq.
Bernie feels shame, no matter how many times she apologises to Serena, who cuts her of straight away, she still feels like this will never end. In some ways it won’t, firework night especially but with the love and support of her family, therapist and Serena she learns to live with it, listens to Serena when she comforts her, no matter where they are…..in a supermarket carpark, the garden of Ablie’s, in their own home or anywhere in between.
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you
Give me all of you
Serena hates the scars in her back, a constant reminder that she wasn’t good enough. Her mother left them, skin still embedded in her rings as she lost control, forgotten her only daughter. Yet again she wasn’t was she. Maybe that too why she wasn’t good enough for her mother. No matter how many times she achieved great things, somehow she disappointed her parents.
Adrienne taunted her on her failed marriage, that it was her fault. It was her that made Edward drink and look elsewhere for sex, she wasn’t good at that either, her mother shouted on several occasions. A disappointment that she only had the one child and not a football team.
That she worked every hour god sends to help fill the empty void and to gain another rung on the ladder. Not that it actually mattered to Adrienne, being deputy CEO was still not good enough and would never be.
Then Bernie came along. Wondered why she wouldn’t take off those long flow shirts that she loves, why the sun never got to see her body, why when they had sex her top half was always covered or her back at least was never uncovered. Only discovering them when she sneaked in to the shower, Serena froze, still wouldn’t allow Bernie to see her back, her wandering hands discovered the scars, the little raised marks left behind. Serena sobbed when Bernie asked gently, the whole tale coming out between inconsolable crying and being held tightly on the shower floor.
Serena hoping to wash away her sins of never being good enough. Would she ever be good enough for Bernie?
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard
Serena knows she has done wrong, that thing with Leah should never have happened. Her body betrays her, the hot flushes, feeling of complete exhaustion, loneliness, sexual depravity. She doesn’t know why she did it, she has immediate regret, then Bernie comes back, they talk, she understands.
Who on earth can understand someone doing that, betrayal at its worst.
Bernie forgives, they talk some more and she leaves again. That promise for eternity is all but forgotten, or is it? Can it be really after what they have been through?
After months of not speaking Serena surprises and visits Bernie in Nairobi, placing her heart, card and all of the other cliche’s on the table….yes there was another one. Then leaves Bernie to think, not that she gets very far.
When Serena showed up at the trauma unit she walked away, Serena waited patiently in her office for her to return, a letter in hand just incase. Which was a good job as Bernie didn’t return, she was needed in theatre so she left it on Bernie’s computer, hoping that she would open and read it.
The letter explains what she felt at the time, how it was her own fault. Thinking that Bernie needed to on the frontline, like she was in the army, instead of being at home in her slippers and putting the bins out on a Sunday night or pushing their grandchildren in the park.
The olive branch was taken, Bernie brings her in for a tentative kiss, to see if the spark is there for her too! To see if they could actually do this once more.
Bernie went to where Serena was staying, packed her bags for her and took her home. Her new home in the middle of the Kenyan desert. After a week of talking, making love and decisions, they are back together. With an agreement to be open and talk about their feelings no matter if they could offend the other; to not leave each other with anymore emotional scars than they already have.
'Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
'Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all of you
Finding love again comes with its own issues, rediscovery, learning to feel secure again not only in ones own body but the feel of an others body entwined with yours. Bodies and minds change all the time, but to let go in the presence of the one you love is truly amazing. To trust in your partner, not to allow the demons of the past come back and haunt you, but if they do, you have the ability to discuss them because scars and imperfections are not just skin deep and neither is love.
It takes time to trust, form a bond and believe in what an other person is saying. Self discovery is something that we all should do on a daily basis, not limit our thoughts to just negative ones, give ourselves and other a positive genuine thought each day.
Learn to love yourself, others and allow them to love you.
Love can be as simple as it is complicated. It is how you make it!
Having said that ……..if you do this…….
I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you
Which what loving someone unconditionally is all about, then surely that the best basis for the best love affair of your lifetime.