Chapter Text
“Where’s your head at?”
For the life of Carol, she didn’t understand how four simple words, one question could bring her safely back from the chaotic storm that was ever present in her mind. It brought a sense of clarity, relief and the permission her soul needed to stop its relentless war; if only for a moment. Though if she was honest with herself; it was never just the four words but rather who spoke them. She remembered hearing the phase during one of her sparring sessions with Yon-Rogg and immediately bristled. Despite not remembering her past she instinctively knew that those words didn’t belong to him; had no right to be uttered by him. Her heart would not accept cheap imitations and so it battled on.
“Control yourself.”
Emotion coursed through Carol’s veins just as the blood that kept her alive did. It was a vital part of who she was and that couldn’t be changed. For all her life she’d been considered too emotional, headstrong, impulsive and maybe a little obsessive. Yet to outright suppress those things felt beyond wrong. She could certainly see the merit in being calmer but to be this cold calculating…machine? No, she couldn’t do that, wouldn’t do that. One uttering “Control yourself.” might have had the same sentiment coming from ignorant lips but truth be told it was far from it. Hearing “Where’s your head at” didn’t ask her to change, didn’t ask her to hide from what she was feeling. In fact, it told her to embrace it. Control yourself on the other hand made her feel weighty, like putting on heavy armor that did far more harm than it ever did good.
The powerful woman took a deep breath and slowly released it before pushing the button to expose herself to the unforgiving atmosphere of space. It of course was of no concern to her. She was one of if not the most powerful beings in the universe. However, tonight she didn’t feel that way. No, tonight she felt weak and powerless. With the airlock clear, she drifted away from the ship, not feeling the bravado that she normally did. She just wanted to drift among the stars and the cascading nebulas.
She needed something to put her at ease or at least give her the space to process the last few days.
It had been three months since she left earth to right the wrongs both she and the Kree empire had committed against the skrulls. Unbeknownst to her, they merely wanted a home to call their own and for years she had a helping hand in denying them that. She denied them the very thing that she wanted for herself. For that she owed them a debt and an obligation to ensure they got what they deserved.
Yet that obligation came at a great personal loss.
Just a month after leaving earth she found herself bombarded with memories. Why they didn’t make themselves known when on her home planet she didn’t know. Maybe she needed time to process everything or the more realistic answer; there was just so much going on at the time that she pushed it to the back of her mind. She knew that she was teetering on the edge of getting her memories back or at least the very important ones. But she truly had no idea of what she had left behind on earth until she was dozens of light years away.
And it haunted her nonstop.
She flew past the sun of the foreign solar system and basked in its radiant rays. So few could ever hope to experience all she had but in the grand scheme of things she would have traded it all without a moment’s hesitation. Traded it for what so many seemed to take for granted.
She had a family waiting for her back home or at least she hoped that she did after realizing just what they were once to her.
She stopped and levitated there just above the sun; feeling it’s gravitational pull but obviously unaffected by it.
How egotistical could she had been to say or to even think that? She felt she had no right to say that they were waiting for her.
She was waiting for herself and hopefully the chance to get back what she lost.
“Honey, you’re more nervous than I am and I’m the one about to give birth!”
Maria laughed in spite of her pain riddled face. They had planned for this day months in advance but neither really had been ready. Certainly not Carol who would now in part be responsible for this new life. She had no plans on ever becoming a parent, especially considering the stellar job her own did but now despite her fear, she was fully committed. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for this kid and they weren’t even born yet. How could she be anything, but one hundred percent committed? This new person coming into the world was half of the woman she loved more than life itself.
Loved more than flying and the freedom it brought.
“I’m not brave like you are…. you’re amazing.” Carol squeezed Maria’s hand as she laid in the hospital bed preparing to give birth.
It was nothing short of a revelation when Carol realized that her feelings went beyond best friend and were far from platonic. That’s why when Maria told her that she was pregnant; it crushed her. So much so that Maria had thought she hated her and her future child. That was never the case but in typical Carol fashion she didn’t know how to process the new information.
Your best friend who you just realized that you had feelings for telling you she was pregnant would be a lot to process for anyone.
Yet Maria, in all her patience and understanding welcomed the woman back with open arms.
The reason was simple. She needed her best friend.
The Grand Canyon of a gap between them merged back within mere days and the two settled into a routine. Carol relished in the memories of foot massages for Maria’s aching feet. Something she had to force the proud airman to let her do. She didn’t like the love of her life being in any pain, especially when she could put it at ease.
The unexpectant pregnancy had brought the already close pair even closer. Both reaching an intimacy with the other that neither spoke of nor had to. Physicality had never been out of the equation since the start of their friendship but now touches spoke of deeper connections and pining; at least on Carol’s end. Maria often sought her out and Carol invited her to sit between her legs and rest against her while she laid on the couch. She operated under the pretense of doing it to give relief to Maria’s aching back. If that was all it was for then there had been no need for the loving caresses on her ever-expanding belly. Caresses that spoke of love, dedication and commitment.
The first time she felt Monica kick, she knew she was a goner.
Carol never planned on letting her feelings be known; she couldn’t jeopardize the relationship with her best friend, but sometimes fate had other plans.
She could remember like it was yesterday. Monica had been running a fever for the past few days and Carol held her protectively over her shoulder through her fitful bouts of sleep. Maria had insisted on doing so but Carol wouldn’t have it. The most important people in her life needed rest. She would be fine. She paced back and forth across the room rubbing circles around baby Monica’s back. Despite her inability to talk back Carol talked to her.
She didn’t know that she had an audience of one that watched in awe and wonder. An audience that wondered how they could be so lucky. She knew how much Carol loved Monica; it showed in her every day actions, but to walk in on such a moment between the two…
Her line in the sand had been erased.
She approached them quietly, making sure not to disturb Monica.
“Hi” Maria’s heart pounded against her chest
“Hey, you” Carol whispered back with a smile
Maria looked out at the night sky and a sense of calm washed over her; she could do this, she trusted Carol to still love her even if she didn’t feel the same way. Carol laid Monica back down and planted a gentle kiss on her forehead soon followed by a nuzzle.
“Not even a year old and got me wrapped around your finger” the blond smiled.
“I love you…”
Maria blurted it out before her nerves could get the better of her. Carol turned and gave her trademark bravado.
“Of course, you do, I’m awesome.” She laughed and turned back to Monica but when she didn’t hear the expected returned laughter she knew something was wrong. She turned back to look at her and found the woman she loved so much scared and vulnerable
“No,” she spoke again with renewed bravery.
“I love you.” The ebony skinned woman started to visibly shake, and her breathing came in shallow. This had to be the most terrifying thing she had ever done in her life. Even more so than bringing Monica into the world.
Carol’s eyes widened at the revelation and for a moment she thought she imagined the three words and their context but when she turned to look at her best friend; she knew her imagination had not ran away. The moon’s light cascaded down on Maria just then, highlighting her soft supple skin. Carol didn’t believe in invisible entities or beings in the sky but something about that moment was nothing short of divine.
“I love you too…”
She crossed the distance between the two of them and had Maria in her arms. Her strong protective arms that spoke volumes. Their foreheads came together, and Carol found herself lost in her eyes. Her greatest prayer had finally been answered.
Maria Rambeau loved her and that was all she needed.
Carol opened her eyes and no longer found the basking rays soothing. With an internal sigh she slowly flew back towards the ship. What greeted her on her way back in would not bring any peace to her already chaotic mind. Talos stood there just beyond the entrance of the airlock with his arms crossed accompanied by a stern look on his face. The process of the alien going from enemy to close friend had been a jarring one, but it was a more than welcomed change.
He didn’t exactly look friendly no though.
“This is not where you belong.” Although he tried to keep his stern no nonsense composure it was quickly lost when he saw the solemn look on her face.
She knitted her eyes in confusion which prompted him to further explain.
“You need to go home, Carol.” already her patience was wearing, and she pushed past the alien but not without him being hot on heels.
“I don’t have a home.” She spoke with almost venom
“That is a complete lie and you know it. Your home is earth.” He paused gathering in his courage for what he was about to say next.
“You belong with Maria and your daughter”
Carol stopped dead in her tracks, eyes widening in surprise before composing herself.
“Talos, thin ice.” She warned and while he didn’t exactly understand the phase; he got its intent. He was treading in a metaphorical land mind. Even with their budding comradery, he knew to step wisely.
“I would have never allowed you to come on this mission if I had of know what you would be leaving behind.”
She stopped just as she reached the cockpit and her shoulders slumped in defeat.
“-I- didn’t even know what I was leaving behind, Talos.” For what had to be the umpteenth time, she felt robbed. Even with her unmatched powers, there was nothing she could do.
She felt so helpless.
“You knew, Carol. You just didn’t know it on a conscious level. You never truly lost your memories, you merely buried them” he sat in the co pilot seat and gestured her to do the same. She did but stayed quiet.
“It all makes sense now that I think about it.” He continued onward.
“The longing looks that she sent you that spoke of more than just relief at seeing her best friend. The very woman she thought dead now alive before her after six long years. Perhaps I knew too but was far too wrapped up in my own agenda. Besides it wasn’t my place to meddle in such affairs.”
“It…doesn’t matter, I’m…not…I have a job to do.” She took in a deep breath and stuck out her chest. If nothing else could save her then surely her stubborn pride would.
She would keep her promise to protect the skrulls and find them a new home. It was the right thing to do. Talos being the perceptive creature he was saw right through her façade.
“I think during these few months together we have become…friends?” Carol nodded in affirmation.
“And friends are stern with one another when need be.” She waited for him to continue. He reached over and with his index finger tapped the side of her temple.
“your head is here, but your heart is not. It is back on earth with Maria and Monica. Just as you should be.”
“Talos I…”
“Allow me to be pragmatic then. You are putting my people in danger with your unresolved feelings and I won’t have it.”
Carol opened her mouth but Talos wouldn’t stand for it.
“We haven’t been attacked nor encountered any hostile threat in weeks.” The planet they orbited around was an unknown one and gave the race a haven for a short time.
“We can defend ourselves for a bit should the need arise until you return.”
An argument rose on her lips and once again Talos pushed it down fiercely. Carol had sacrificed so much for him and his family that it only made sense for him to do the same in return
“We survived this long without you, we can go a few weeks.”
She licked her suddenly dry lips and nodded her head. Her decision had been made.
“If something happens while I..”
she didn’t like the idea of leaving Talos and his family possibly vulnerable, but she also didn’t like pushing aside her own world, making people who loved her wait.
Duty was the death of love or, so she had thought.
“We will contact you if we need you. Now go to them.” He smiled and grabbed her shoulder while getting up. Without warning she followed suit pulled him into a tight hug.
“Thank you Talos” She loosened her grip and back peddled towards the airlock. Her heart slowly but surely coming alive in her chest. It beat with purpose and clarity; the first she’d had in months.
She was going home.