the toxin is you

by booksandrings

Summary:

Clarke Griffin has always been willing to sacrifice herself to keep her people safe, and that has never changed.

Notes:

Hey everyone, so this is the first fic I've written in just under a decade and the first fic I've posted so I'm going to disappear after posting but enjoy!

This is basically a s6 canonverse fic, with 2 changes from pre 6x02 which are Madi never told Bellamy about the radio calls so that conversation has not happened and also Shaw didn't die. The rest is picking up from 6x02ish, pre meeting anyone on the planet but after the eclipse!

Huge shoutout to @Amorri10 (Aprillé), @cabeswaterblakes (Scarlet), and @Who_Needs_Reality (Meha) for editing this and giving me the confidence to post!

Chapter 1: Withdrawal

Clarke’s P.O.V.

 

I’m saying the toxin is you. Think about it, no one is safe around you. Because the only people you don’t kill die anyways trying to save you.. You infect people Clarke. There’s only one way to stop it. 

 

The words kept reverberating in her head, getting louder and louder. No matter how many times she tried to distract herself, making her voice louder than the one she heard in her head, they stayed present, and in the moments of quiet, it was all she could hear. You infect people. The toxin is you. No one is safe around you. And wasn’t it true? Maybe no one had actually said those words to her, but they were words she had heard before. Even before everything that had happened with Eligius on Earth, she had heard the words. 

 

“People die when you’re in charge, Clarke.” Isn’t that what Bellamy had said, even when he was the only one who could come close to understanding what she had to do, or at least tried to do, for her people. Not that they were that anymore- her people. She had lost that when deciding Madi would be the one she would save over everyone else. She was no longer trusted. She was no longer needed. 

 

She had avoided thinking about those specific words- the words Bellamy had said because of the eclipse but she knew he meant anyways. “Maybe you haven’t noticed Clarke, but I don’t need you anymore.” Those words cut deeper than the rest, because they were the ones she knew he truly felt; these were the words that, in spite of the friendship they had once shared and the burdens they’d carried together, spoke of his true feelings for her. I don’t need you anymore. Spoken in a moment when everything else was cleared away and only the barest words from the soul were expressed. She didn’t belong with him anymore. And maybe that was for the best. 

 

“Clarke, Bellamy’s wound needs to be checked,” Emori said walking by, not pausing to see if Clarke had heard. Clarke barely noticed. It’s how it had been for days now. She grabbed her bag and left the room she had claimed as her own and walked out to the swings where everyone would meet up at the end of the day. They’d spent the first couple days, after the eclipse that had caused the craziness, indoors, choosing to stay by the chains in case it started again. However after a couple days of nothing happening and Raven figuring out when the next eclipse would occur, they had decided it was time to explore the area. It had clearly been recently abandoned and yet no one had come back to claim it, making Clarke paranoid that they were being monitored. A threat to the area, rather than come back and fight them, she thought that whoever lived here was watching to see if this group, her group, was it or if there was a larger group out there that they were a part of. They were probably watching to see what this small group would do and checking for any signs of danger before returning to their home. But no one wanted to hear what she thought and when Echo stated they needed to understand where they were and get a good lay of the area in case the inhabitants returned, Clarke didn’t argue. Instead she let them explore and plan, while she stayed in the little classroom, deciding to take herself out of the equation rather than cause unnecessary tension that could be taken as a divide within the group by whoever could be watching them. 

 

So Clarke listened to them and did what she was asked and then stayed out of the way all the other times, choosing to avoid the anxiety she felt when interacting with the group. She could see they had built a fire and were sitting in a circle, going over what they had found in the rooms. Emori, she knew, had still been trying to get into the big palace like building but hadn’t had any luck. She had no idea what the others had been looking at but knew she’d find out in a couple minutes. Jackson had also been out of commission, having taken a knife to the arm while Bellamy, Murphy and her had passed out. Murphy had dragged himself, her and Bellamy out of water before the fight between Bellamy, that ended in her hurting him, continued. That was when she had released the gas causing them all to pass out. Luckily the only lasting damage has been Bellamy’s arm. However while they were passed out, Miller had woken up from the drugs and was still in psychosis, stabbing Jackson and waking him up. Jackson had luckily had a moment of clarity and managed to inject Miller with the sedative before any major damage had been done, but he was unable to use his arm for a few days. And so Clarke had two responsibilities- taking care of Jackson and Bellamy’s wounds, at least before Jackson could use his arm and take over for her.

 

When she reached the fire, they were talking about some books they had found in a library of sorts. They were discussing animal behavior during the eclipse, similar to what Jackson had seen the day before the psychosis had hit. Clarke kept her head down, wanting to avoid interacting with them more than she had to, and went straight to Bellamy, kneeling in front of him.

 

“Can you roll your pants up so I can change the bandages?” she asked, barely glancing at him. 

 

“Clarke, I told you before, I can change them myself- you don’t need to do this,” Bellamy muttered, rubbing a hand behind his neck. It was clear he didn’t want her touching him, and why would he, when she was the one who had hurt him in the first place.

 

“Even so, I’d like to make sure there isn’t an infection. I didn’t exactly get a chance to clean the knife before I stabbed you with it.” There was a sharp inhale from someone in the group and it got quiet. 

 

“Ok.” Bellamy quickly moved the clothes out of her way, and Clarke made quick work of the bandages, not wanting to inconvenience him anymore than she already had. Conversation started picking up again, making it easier for her to breathe. She could see that while the area was still quite fresh, there was no pus and the area around the wound was not inflamed or hot to the touch. It looked clean and pressing into the area around, there was no pained sound from Bellamy, so she quickly cleansed the wound site and redressed it. Then she left to wash her hands, pausing for a moment by the sinks to close her eyes and take a few calming breaths, before she returned and found a seat by herself, not quite outside the group but not in the middle either. Appearances were important, in case they were being watched. 

 

She tried not to think about how Bellamy looked at her. It was with eyes that didn’t recognize her. That had never been the case before- not even when they had walked out of the dropship on day one. Back then they may have been adversaries, but they were honest with each other. They understood one another, even if they didn’t always agree. They’d relied on one another. It’s why she had called him everyday for over 6 years. She’d needed him. There’d never been a time where she felt like she didn’t know him. Like now. And the way he looked at her, it was like he had no idea who she was. She may have spent 6 years talking to him on the radio, but he had never heard those calls. He didn’t even know she had called. He had no idea who she had become. He’d spent 6 years in peace, growing into someone she didn’t know. They didn’t know each other anymore.  

 

For once in her life, Clarke was truly alone. Even when she’d left everyone to wander alone as Wanheda, she knew that she could go back to Bellamy and the others and she would be welcomed. When she had been left behind during Praimfaya, she knew that it wasn’t because she was being abandoned, but instead it was because they didn’t have a choice if they wanted to live. Sure for those few months after, she’d been alone, but even then she knew that in the bunker, she had her mother and in the stars, she had Monty, Raven, Harper, even Murphy and in some ways Echo and Emori. And Bellamy . Soon after, she had found Madi and she wasn’t alone again, with a child to look after and the radio as a confidant. 

 

Now, though, with Raven glaring at her whenever they had been in the same room, with Emori and Echo ignoring her, with Murphy making the snide remarks that he actually meant and with Bellamy unable to even look at her for more than a minute, she had no friends. With Monty and Harper gone, any chance of a kind ear to give her a chance to explain was gone. With her mother focused on Kane, Clarke had been lucky to spend even a minute in her company before they had flown on the shuttle down to the new planet. Madi was still in cryosleep, not that it mattered. When she woke, she would be Heda, leader of her people, and no longer the child she had planned surprise trips to the lakes and berry fields for. Clarke had no one and to everyone, she was no one. 

 

And yet, she would persevere, because that’s who she was. Over and over, she would do anything for the people she considered her own, even if they didn’t agree. So she would continue trying to drown the words that were constantly in her mind, getting louder and louder everyday. You infect people. The toxin is you. There are good guys, Clarke, you’re just not one of them.

 

---

 

 

A few more days passed with the group getting a good idea of the mini town they seemed to have found. Jackson’s arm grew better so he started taking care of Bellamy’s wound, which was also quickly healing. Clarke continued to stay in the schoolroom. In it, she found more picture books alongside the one about the red sun and eclipse. No one else seemed to realize that similarly to how the first book explained a part of life on this new moon (Raven had called on a fixed radio that Shaw had been working on and let them know they were on a moon, not a planet), there could be others giving insight into the people whose space they had invaded. 

 

Most of the books seemed like fairy tales, similar to ones she had heard as a child up on the Ark. There was one, however, that seemed to talk about the gods and goddesses they worshipped on this moon. It made sense, people seemed to bond towards a common ideal when facing difficulty. Similar to religions before the first nuclear war, or the idea of Earth being the final destination for those on the Ark, or the devotion around the Flame and having a Heda for the Grounders, these people had a faith they believed in centered around deities called The Primes. It seemed to be based on the story of the original founding families who had settled on this moon that they called Sanctum and that they continued to worship these families. People were selected every few years to be crowned and named after one of the Primes and that’s who ruled over Sanctum. Rather than have a Heda, or a Chancellor or a King and Queen, the people of Sanctum had Primes. 

 

It never explained how people were selected to be Primes, but it seemed to be something chosen very young and those chosen were  apparently allowed to live a normal life until their coronation. Clarke was grateful that these children weren’t slaves to their faith like the young nightbloods forced to learn violence at a young age in preparation of potentially becoming Heda, however the idea of putting the pressure on those so young left a bad taste in her mouth. This was important information and she knew she would have to share it when everyone regrouped in the evening. Even though it didn’t show any possible threats or ways to defend themselves, it was an important insight into the people living on this moon, information Clarke would’ve loved to have had about the Grounders or even the people of Mount Weather when they had landed on Earth over 130 years ago. Clarke was dreading having to talk to them all and assert her voice. She didn’t want anyone thinking she was trying to lead them or seem like she knew better. Think about it, no one is safe around you.

---

 

 

Bellamy’s P.O.V. 

 

He could still hear his own voice yelling words that he couldn’t control. Maybe he meant them, he wasn’t sure. But he sure as hell would never had said them. Maybe you haven’t noticed Clarke, but I don’t need you anymore. 

 

No he knew he didn’t mean them. It was his fear that spoke for him, ripping the words from his throat that he had held back for so long. After losing Clarke so many times, he had forced himself to say those words over and over again in his head when they were in space. The first time he’d learned to live without Clarke Griffin was after she had closed the door on the dropship. Then he’d done it again when she left after Mount Weather, which was the first time she had let him down. Or maybe he had let himself down, relying so heavily on another person when he had never relied on anyone but himself before. Hiding a secret punishable by death didn’t leave much room for Bellamy to confide in people on the Ark and Clarke was the first who understood the responsibility he felt for his sister. She was the first person to look past the bravado he projected and see someone who was still young, but holding the weight of the world on his shoulders. From the moment they leaned against the trees after the trip to the bunkers that ended in his near death, Bellamy knew that Clarke saw him. She made him want to let down his walls and he did. Together, they’d led their people. But then she left him when he too had pulled down the lever in Mount Weather. These were their people, the sky people, and he needed her to help lead them all as they had needed each other to protect the 99, 100 once Raven had landed, kids they were in charge of. But she had left and he thought he would lose her permanently once he heard the tales of Wanheda and how all the Grounders wanted her dead, thinking that killing her would transfer the power of Wanheda to them. He tried to save her and tell her he needed her, but once again she left.  She’d come back though, and for a while they were in sync again as they once had been. They would argue, but they always understood one another. And then he left Clarke Griffin to die. 

 

That time was different- she was gone forever and he hadn’t even tried to save her. For months, he was lost. Even when she hadn’t been by his side before, he knew she was okay and alive somewhere and that they would find their way back to each other, because he knew that like he needed her, she needed him. But he had let her down. She needed him to find a way to get her on that rocket and up in space with them, and he had left her. So for months he had wandered the space station, lost in his thoughts and the guilt that built inside him. He’d felt like he would explode, but there was no outlet, no way to let the pain out. He knew the others were suffering too, but none of them had had the bond he had with Clarke. Time passed however and one day, years later, he realized he had been repeating words in his head when the pain and guilt became to much to bare. He repeated to himself over and over that he didn’t need Clarke Griffin to survive and the family he had left would be okay. He would let her rest in peace. He would take care of everyone for her. 

 

A small part of him was also scared of ever needing anyone again the way he had needed Clarke. It wasn’t fair to her, to put so much pressure on her, and it wasn’t fair to him when he broke because she wasn’t there. And so his fear put into words his feelings and his thoughts from the past 6 years. Maybe you haven’t noticed Clarke, but I don’t need you anymore. It wasn’t true, though, at least not the way it had sounded in his psychosis fueled anger. 

 

And maybe that’s why he struggled to be near Clarke now. Maybe that’s why he struggled to look at her. The guilt he had carried over leaving her 6 years ago bubbling over, especially now when they finally had a moment of quiet, with no army trying to kill them. How could he look at her when she was a ghost of the pain he felt? How could he look at her when she had moved on and found a way to survive through the end of the Earth and he had barely held himself together in the safety of space surrounded by friends who loved him? How could he look at her when he had screamed that he didn’t need her anymore, suggesting that he had at one point, when it was clear that she had never needed him? It’s why she had been able to close the dropship and why she chose to carry the full burden of Mount Weather. It’s why she had been able to leave him behind to die.

 

---

 

 

Bellamy had just spent the day checking the perimeter of the area they were living in, tracking it to see where the electric field ended. They had spent nearly a week now on this new moon, and found little real information in that much time. In a day or two they were planning on bringing down most of the people left awake on the Ark- Raven, Jordan and waking up some more that could be useful in case anyone came back or found them, like Diyoza and Niylah. Abby would stay up in space, continuing to look for a way to save Kane. Raven had also told him that Madi and Gaia were awake and they were coming down as well, to prepare for the awakening of all their people. He had no idea how he was going to tell Clarke. He’d have to tell her around the campfire tonight and to say that he was dreading it would be an understatement. Talking to her scared him. It was something that had been so easy before, knowing what the other was thinking before they ever even said the words. They would speak with their eyes or a simple squeeze of a hand. Now he struggled to even walk over to her and say hi. But this was about the future of their people and so he would have to talk to her, ignoring the awkwardness that’d never been there before.

 

When he got to the campfire that night, he noticed Clarke was already there, sitting in her seat furthest away, picking at her nails. It was odd to see her there so early, when she always showed up after everyone else, at the last possible minute. He noticed she had her bag with her- was she planning on going somewhere? 

 

“Hey Bellamy,” he heard Echo call out to him as she walked up to the fire. “I was talking to Raven and she says she has all the preparations ready and the coordinates mapped out. They should be landing first thing in the morning.” 

 

“Oh, they’re coming down?” Clarke finally looked up, saying the first words he had heard from her today. 

 

“Yeah, just Raven and a few others until we figure out who lives here and where they are,” he answered, unsure whether he should mention Madi now or later on to the side. He didn’t want to blindside her. 

 

“My mom?” 

 

“No, she’s staying up, working on saving Kane and keeping things running until we can wake everyone up and bring them down.” It felt odd. Even though he had spent years running things without her by his side, he was so used to them being the ones explaining things to everyone else and here she was, more out of the loop than everyone else. It wasn’t right. 

 

Everyone else had crowded around by now, grabbing some food that Murphy had spent the day cooking. He had found a bar with a kitchen and was using it to feed the group. He heard Clarke whisper thanks as she grabbed hers, not raising her voice now that everyone was there. Everyone sat down and started having side conversations with people they hadn’t seen all day, relaxing a bit now that they were all together. He heard Echo tell the others about Raven coming down. 

 

“Who else is awake?” he heard Miller ask. Fuck. He had planned on telling Clarke about Madi, but hadn’t told anyone else not to mention anything. 

 

“Kane woke up for a bit but got hurt again, so he’s been put back in cryosleep. Abby and Raven decided to wake up Diyoza and Niylah and Niylah woke up Gaia and Madi. Abby’s staying up but everyone else is coming down,” Echo responded, glancing quickly at Clarke, who had stopped moving once she heard Madi’s name. 

 

“They woke up Madi?” Clarke slowly looked up, staring blankly at Echo. 

 

“Niylah thought it would be important for her to be prepared before all the rest of Grounders were woken up, and she was right,” Echo said. While nervous for a second when first stating that Madi was awake, she had strengthened her resolve, prepared to fight Clarke. 

 

“You didn’t ask me.” Bellamy noticed a flash of hurt and also uncertainty in Clarke’s eyes.

 

“She’s Heda now, she’s not under your control Clarke.” Bellamy took in a silent but quick breath. Harsh words like that were not needed, not when there was already so much pain and distance between him and the family he’d had in space and Clarke. 

 

“She’s a child.” He saw a little bit of fire inside Clarke’s eyes. It was something he hadn’t seen in a long time, his most vivid memories of it being when they argued on how to run the camp full of delinquents. But the arguments then used to verge on amusing, with an air of claiming authority over one another. Now the arguments seemed to have an intention of protecting oneself from the other.

 

“A child who leads our people. Are you angry because we didn’t ask you or are you angry because she’s another person who knows better than to follow you now?” Echo replied, almost cruelly. 

 

Clarke stood up and walked away. Halfway to her room, she turned around and pulled her bag from her shoulder. Reaching in, she pulled out a book. She walked back and handed the book to Emori. “You might want to read that- seems like the people on the ground here follow some sort of social structure. The book will explain.” And she walked away again. 

 

Bellamy turned to Echo, and in frustration asked “Seriously? You know she thinks of Madi as her own child and you had to provoke her? We should have asked her before waking Madi up, or at least told her.” 

 

“Right, just like you listened to her when you convinced Madi to become Heda,” Murphy muttered from the side. When Bellamy turned to glare at him, Murphy backtracked with, “Not that it wasn’t the right call- you’re just in no place to be blaming others for interfering with Clarke and Madi.”

“Right, well from now on, no one says anything about that unless I say so,” he stated to the group, pushing his hair back in frustration. “Emori, what’s in the book?” She’d been quickly flipping through the book while the others argued, with Shaw walking over to look over her shoulder. 

 

“It seems to be about their leadership- they follow a group of founding families called The Primes.” 

 

“Founding families? When did they settle here? Recently?” Shaw asked. 

 

“No, it’s not the original people- they don’t even follow descendancy. They choose children-” 

 

“What like the Grounders?” Murphy quickly asked, panicking at the idea of having to deal with another violent group, training children to be warriors.

 

“No, they choose children and the children still live normal lives but at the age of ascendancy, they have a coronation and are renamed after one of the Primes and then they become part of the leaders and live out the rest of their lives with that name.”

 

“But how do they choose the children?” Bellamy asked in confusion. 

 

“No idea, but it doesn’t seem at all like the flame and grounder rituals.” 

 

“Well at least we know something. Hopefully with a group of people leading, they’ll be easier to talk to. And if they’re non-violent, then even better,” Bellamy decided. “Ok, let’s head to bed- Raven and the others will be here in the morning and we’ll need to figure out what to do from here on out.” He turned to look at the building Clarke was staying in, knowing eventually they’d  have to talk. Things had to get back to normal. It wasn’t right that she had no say in anything going on when she was down here with them, risking her life for everyone back in cryosleep. Maybe you haven’t noticed Clarke, but I don’t need you anymore. It was a lie. 

 

---

 

 

Clarke’s P.O.V.

 

She knew she had no right to get angry. Echo was right- Madi was Heda now, but at the same time, Clarke deserved the right to know before it happened. It seemed like simply sitting back, and letting them decide what they wanted hadn’t cooled their anger towards her, and it would simply get worse with Raven coming down tomorrow. 

 

She pulled out a paper and made a list of things people were mad at her about and things she would have to work on fixing to establish and maintain a working relationship with all of them. She wasn’t their friend, let alone family, they had all made that perfectly clear, however the way things were going, she could see a major conflict in the future. She didn’t want to lead, but she would work to be part of a functioning society. It seemed like avoiding them only increased their hatred of her, so maybe being around them and talking would cause some sort of desensitization. At this point, it couldn’t hurt.

 

Perhaps once the rest of the people came down, they could all build a world worth living in, and she could find people to spend the rest of her life with. It wouldn’t be people she once imagined and wanted to carry that future out with, but maybe it would all work out. For now, all she could do is help and lessen the tension. Not lead though, never lead. People die when you’re in charge, Clarke. 

 

She shook her head, and got to writing. The hardest would be Bellamy and explaining how she didn’t mean to leave him to die. She would need to explain that she was trying to save her child, like how he had spent years doing anything to save Octavia. She would try to make him understand that it wasn’t her leaving him to die- it was her running to save an innocent child who depended solely on her. For now, all she could do is go to sleep and hope tomorrow didn’t turn out to be a disaster. 

 

---

 

 

Dawn broke quicker than Clarke hoped, she had spent the night tossing and turning, dreading having to face everyone again. Her stomach turned at the idea of having to deal with Raven’s hate and her heart pushed painfully at her chest at the idea of Madi being so close to her and yet so distant, depending instead on the voices of past hedas. Clarke could feel it all build up, she could feel herself sweating to the point of drenching her shirt and could feel the tears running down her face. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t take a full breath and was starting to become lightheaded. She got out of bed and reached to the table with art supplies in the classroom and grabbed a smaller paper bag. She brought the lip of the bag to her face and covered her mouth. The bag would help regulate her breath as she forced herself to calm down and with guided breathes, she maneuvered herself out of the panic attack that had started the months she was alone after Praimfaya. She had had only a couple after she had met Madi and hadn’t had another one again until a month had passed the 5 year mark and no rocket had come down from the sky. That was the last time she’d had one. 

 

Taking a few minutes to make sure she was breathing normally again, she stood up and used her jacket to wipe the excess sweat off her forehead and arms. She closed her eyes, gritted her teeth, took a deep breath, and walked out of the room, straight into the barrel of a gun. She had been right- there had been people watching them. 

 

Chapter 2: Beginnings

Summary:

Who are the new people and what do they want?

Notes:

I know, I'm as shocked as y'all that this fic is updating but I've been on a writing kick.

Also, this is when I come clean and tell y'all I haven't more than half of s4, 2 episodes of season 5 and no more than the first two episodes of s6 but I know enough from twitter. So basically what I'm saying is there may be some bigger plot stuff from the show but I'm going off on my own with this fic now.

Clarke’s P.O.V.

 

Within seconds, she was brought to her knees, with her arms twisted behind her back, hands tied and mouth gagged. The rope cut into her and skin and she could almost feel the bruises starting to form. The gag made it hard to breathe, almost as if she was suffocating. She couldn’t swallow. She felt herself panic.

Closing her eyes for a second, she mentally took a deep breath, refocusing on the current situation. When she opened her eyes, she felt more grounded, ready to figure out what the hell was going on. Still, she didn’t bother putting up a fight, knowing that having spent over 100 years in cryosleep, her muscles weren’t used to doing much past the basic movements, let alone fighting even one person.

And there wasn’t just one person. Looking up, Clarke tilted her head slightly to avoid the glare of the sun and glanced around. Everyone she knew was tied up similarly. Even with Echo and Miller moving around trying to muscle their way out of restraints, she knew they were trapped. She noticed a cut under Bellamy’s right eye. Of course he’d try to fight. Right eye- maybe his captor had been left handed, she noted with almost a degree of separation from her mind and the actual problem at hand.

Focus. If they managed to survive a few more hours, there was a chance that the group coming from the spaceship would be able to save them, but that was dependent on them coming down without attracting attention, and without anyone warning them to do specifically that, it was unlikely. There went that plan.

Taking a moment to close her eyes, Clarke almost laughed at the irony of it all. She would have, if she hadn’t been gagged. She had spent the first almost 17 years of her life in space, living in a nice room in alpha station with her parents, enjoying school and playing chess with Wells. And within a span of 6 years (awake years) she had been tied up more times than she could count.

At least before, she had a relative idea of who was keeping her captive. Right now, all she could see was a group of three individuals with metallic head drawings and ornate black clothing, and then a group of maybe 20 or so people in simple black long sleeve shirts and trousers. They all looked clean, and innocent in a way she hadn’t seen anyone look in so long. As innocent as a group of people holding another captive could be.

She watched them with a distant interest, and after a little bit of discussion between the 3 clear leaders, a man from the group walked over to Bellamy and signalled to him. The two people who had been holding him down on his knees released their hold and helped him stand up. They then led him to one of the buildings and the ornate trio followed.

Bellamy didn’t put up a fight. He did, however, turn to look behind him at the rest of them on the group. Funny how before his eyes would always meet hers first and they’d know what the other was thinking with just that single glance. Now he looked at her last, their eye contact lasting more than that glance, a few seconds perhaps. And she still had no idea what he was thinking. Maybe he was blaming her. If she hadn’t been she hadn’t caused so much tension in the group, they would have realized there were others. If she had paused to explain what she’d found, they’d be well informed. There were many things he could blame her for, she just didn’t know which he’d pick. Or if he’d picked any. Looking at him was like looking through stained glass. There was just an unshakable barrier between them now.

One of the men leading him pushed him a little, and Bellamy stumbled. The little moment breaking their eye contact, not like it had meant much. Even if they could still communicate through small glances, what would she say? Would he listen? They walked to the door and he disappeared.

Her mind wandering, Clarke realized this was the first time a group hadn’t just assumed she was the leader. From the moment they’d reached the ground on the dropship, she was the one people wanted to talk to. Anya. Lexa. Wallace. She’d always been the leader without anyone saying it. It had always been her and Bellamy. This had been the first time with both of them there that she’d been left behind. Clarke wasn’t in charge anymore. She wasn’t someone her people respected or even wanted around, and this new group of people knew it. People die when you’re in charge, Clarke. Maybe Bellamy would be able to get them out of this situation without anyone getting hurt. Something she’d never been able to do.

 

Bellamy P.O.V.

 

Fuck.

They shouldn’t have been so relaxed. Of course there were people that lived here. Of course they would be weary of newcomers and stay back and watch them. Of course they’d figure out how many of them they were before executing a plan of attack. It’s what he would have done. Well, it’s what they would have done- him and Clarke. After she told him to settle down and think less with his heart and more with his head. You’ve got such a big heart, Bellamy. He could still hear her voice in his head from all those years ago, back when they used to talk.

He refocused on the trio standing in front of him, They removed the rope bindings and the gag but he still didn’t have the option to get away. Even if he could take out the guards standing by the door, there was no way for him to take the ones holding his family down. He couldn’t do this alone. He’d have to use his head before rushing into anything. ‘But the only way to make sure we survive is if you use, too,’ she’d said pointing to his head. And he’d only responded with ‘I’ve got you for that.’ And he had. At the time. The head and the heart.  

But she wasn’t in the room with him and even if she had been, they hadn’t been on the same page for a while. They’d get there again, it would just take time. For now, he’d just have to look out for her and find a way to make their friends look out for her as well.

The man who had signalled for Bellamy to follow them stepped forward.

“Who are you?” He asked, staring at him emotionlessly.

Bellamy thought for a moment. What use would it be to lie to these people?

“My name is Bellamy Blake. My people and I have travelled from Earth when it was destroyed by a nuclear explosion.”

“Earth is destroyed?” The man looked shocked for a second. Bellamy raised his eyebrow and titled his head slightly.

“You know about Earth?”

“Yes.” The man offered no explanation past that. Had people from Earth travelled here before? Were these people descendants of them? Or did they just hear stories from a visitor?

“Who are you?” Bellamy asked, hoping to understand who he was dealing with.

“I am Russell Lightbourne, and this is Sanctum.” Sanctum. A sacred place. Maybe there was hope for them after all. The man continued to speak. “What do you want with us? Why are you here?”

“We didn’t know this moon was inhabited, we’ve been travelling for a long time and this is the first place we’ve come across that’s liveable.” Bellamy paused, considering his next words. “If you could let my friends go, we can all sit down and answer your questions.”

The man smirked at him. “And how would we know that you wouldn’t attack us immediately?”

“You have more people than us. We have no reason to harm you.” Bellamy couldn’t get a read on the man.

“You’re the leader of your people, are you not? Why don’t you just answer our questions instead and then we’ll consider what to do with you and your people.”

Before Bellamy could say anything, there was an explosion outside. Without giving him a second thought, the trio ran outside along with the guards. Bellamy followed, fear causing him to shake slightly at the thought of any of his people hurt. Had someone tried something? Had Murphy tried to escape causing them to use some unknown weapon on them?

There standing on the outskirts of the little village center, holding her right hand by her hand, thumb on the button of a small black box, was Raven Reyes.

“Alright, listen up!” She yelled out, looking at the guards holding their friends down. “If you don’t want another bomb to explode and take out building by building here I would recommend releasing all of them right now.” Leave it to Raven to find a way out of this situation.

Everyone was silent for a moment and then collectively, they all turned to look at the man that Bellamy had spoken to, Russell. Russell turned to look at Bellamy, a calculating look in his eyes, and then back at Raven, almost assessing if he believed she’d actually do it. Bellamy didn’t wonder if she would. She would without a question. No, the question was if she had the resources to have pulled that off or just for the one bomb to use to bluff them all.

“Release them and escort our visitors out the gates.” Russell said finally, deciding that the wellbeing of his people was more important in this case than calling her bluff. The guards immediately responded removing the gags and then the ties from his friends. They got up and Bellamy started walking out towards them.

“Bellamy.” He turned back to look at Russell. “Don’t come back here again.”

He didn’t say anything and continued walking towards the group, ready to leave. He was worried though. Tensions on Earth had turned into years of fighting. He didn’t want that on this new moon, not after Monty and Harper had died so that he and the others could find peace. He turned at the thought of them and walked back to his captors.

“I hope we can work together. We haven’t come to fight or take anything from you. We’re just looking for peace.” He hoped honesty would lead to a mutual understanding.

Russell’s brows wrinkled and he tilted his head at Bellamy. “We don’t know you. One of you just detonated a bomb here. Why would we want anything to do with you? We stay within our borders. Don’t enter them again. What do we have to gain by helping you?”

There was no arguing with him, not right now. Right now it was more important to get out of there while they could. At least they were still allowed to stay on the ground, which was a better start than they’d had on Earth. He’d have to talk with the rest. Maybe Clarke knew a way to get through to Russell and his people. She’d always been good at making alliances. He saw them all waiting for him by Raven, a group of Russell’s guards standing by. Clarke stood near the back, looking around at the people, then looking towards those ornately dressed. She was thinking something. He could tell.

When he reached the group, he immediately walked over to her.

“What did you figure out?” He asked, without a pause. She looked up at him, startled. Her eyes widened and she looked.. confused? That didn’t make sense. Hadn’t they always looked to each other when decisions needed to be made and situations figured out? He knew a lot had changed between them and they didn’t understand each other fully, but they still needed to lead their people together. That hadn’t changed, right?

“Wh-,” her voice came out scratchy and she cleared her throat and continued, “what do you mean?” Maybe more had changed than he’d realized.

“You were looking at them. I could see you thinking Clarke, what do you think about them?” She still looked confused.

“Bellamy, you were the one who talked to them. Let’s leave while we can and figure it out later.”

“Clarke just answer his question,” Murphy interrupted, getting annoyed with the talking when they could be walking. She seemed to get smaller then, her shoulders turning inward, her eyes looking down. She gritted her teeth and then looked back at him.

“The book I showed you all, did you read it? I’m just wondering if they are the Primes it talked about,” she responded, a little more confident than before, but also harsher.

“You think it’s real?” Bellamy questioned.

“I don’t know.”

“Move along!” One of the guards near them yelled out. They had brought their things from the buildings when they had been talking. The group grabbed their items and looked at Bellamy for direction. They’d stalled enough. Bellamy turned to look back at Russell, and noticed the man hadn’t moved. He was watching them all closely. He looked back at him group and nodded. They started walking, and he paused, waiting for them to all walk ahead of him. He stood next to Clarke and walked by her side, waiting until there was some distance between the rest of the group and her. He moved closer and leaned into her, not wanting to be overheard by the guards behind them.

His arms brushed hers, and he could feel her immediately pull her arm away, a gut reaction to him touching her. He heard her sharp intake of air and she moved away.

“Clarke.” He just said her name. She stiffened again and looked at him, waiting. The problem was he didn’t know what to say. No, that was a lie.

He knew exactly what he wanted to say. It was everything he shouldn’t say. Everything he couldn’t say.

He wanted to tell her he was sorry. He was sorry for leaving her behind when they went to space. He was sorry for letting Madi become Heda. He was sorry for not being the one to tell her Madi was coming down to Earth. He had owed her that much.

He wanted to say he needed them to become who they had been, that day they had returned from the bunker, and she’d told him he wasn’t a monster. He needed them to become the team who had helped prepare nearly 100 kids to fight for their lives against skilled grounders who had already killed some of their own. He needed them to become the two who had written each other’s names on the list of who would live.

He needed them to become the partners who would always forgive the other even when they couldn’t forgive themselves.

But he couldn’t say that. She didn’t need that anymore. She never needed that. Not from him. Hadn’t he just promised himself that he’d help her find her place in the group again but never burden her with them? Never expect her to understand him better than he did himself. They needed to become the heart and the head again, just not dependent on each other.

And so that’s what he said.

“I can’t be the head anymore Clarke, that’s your job.” No more ‘I’ve got you for that’ like before.

“What?” She looked at him suddenly, completely confused. She didn’t remember. They weren’t on the same chapter anymore, let alone the same page. It was only him that spent months, years even, thinking back to that last real conversation they’d had. He couldn’t explain it to her, not when she wouldn’t understand what it had meant to him.

 

Clarke’s P.O.V.

 

What did he mean he couldn’t be the head anymore. She could remember that conversation like it was yesterday. She’d reached out and touched his chest and told him he had such a big heart but he needed to use his head. He’d told her he had her for that, unwilling to listen to what she was saying. But why was he bringing it up now?

“Bellamy, I don’t know what you’re talking about.” What did he mean by that? He looked at her intently, and she saw his eyes fill with some emotion she couldn’t recognize, before he blinked and his normal stare was back.

“Never mind, all I’m saying is I- we need you to tell us what you figure out when you do. We need to find a way to survive here for good, and you’re going to have to help us figure out how. You survived 6 years on the Earth when it was nearly inhabitable,” he broke for a second, grimacing, and then continued “and we’re going to have to figure out how to survive here and you’re our best shot of surviving.”

 He sounded so sure of himself but didn’t he remember she’d never succeeded at that before. He’d said it himself. People die when you’re in charge, Clarke. 

Why would he ask her that? As soon as they touched the ground on Earth, two had already died. Even more died when the Grounders came. He’d almost died because she closed the door on him. Then came Mt. Weather, and with that the title Wanheda.

“No.” That’s all she said, and started to walk away from him. He reached out and tried to grab her arm.

“Clarke-” but before he could stop her, she wrenched her arm away from him, managing to get away from his grip, but also tripping on a rock on the ground in front of her. She was so focused on getting away from him, from getting away from what he was asking  her didn’t he realize she infected people that she wasn’t able to stop herself from falling. She hit the ground on her side, her arm twisted weird and her hand grazed against the hard gravel.

“Clarke!” Bellamy came up to her and reached his hand out. Couldn’t he see she didn’t want to touch him. She didn’t want to risk it. You infect people Clarke. She held her hurt hand against her chest and used the other to push up off the ground and stand up. She could feel everyone’s eyes on her from the group ahead comprised of the spacekru and the ones in the bunker and the group behind, the guards from this new moon.

Most of all she could feel his eyes on her.

She looked down at her hurt hand, and noticed it had started to bleed. She swung her backpack off and grabbed the first relatively clean shirt she could find. Using one bit to clean off any gravel, she quickly wound the shirt tightly over her injured hand, stemming any blood from flowing. She could see the guards start to whisper at each other, while keeping their eyes on her. Right. The nightblood. There were patches of black on her makeshift bandage. They’d probably never seen anything like it before. She finished tying a knot and looked forward in the direction they needed to go. She needed to get the attention off of her.

Bellamy sighed next to her and yelled out at the group, “Let’s keep going!” She expected him to finally leave her alone and yet he continued to walk next to her. Why. His stubbornness frustrated her and she waited for him to start talking again, but he didn’t.

She turned her head to look at the guards behind her and noticed that one of the women who had initially been there had left. Had she gone back to the village? Why? Clarke started to feel uncomfortable but she couldn’t explain why. She could the eye of the blond guard and noticed he was looking at her confused. Right before she turned to face forward, she noticed his eyes flicker down to her wrapped hand.

She stared hard at the ground in front of her as she continued to walk, avoiding any contact with Bellamy. Something about her blood confused them. It made sense, they’d probably never seen black blood before, but surely that wasn’t crazy enough to make one of them leave. Maybe it had been and she was going back to tell their leaders that this new group from Earth was alien or diseased. She knew she’d have to find a way to show that only she had it, and that her mistake- tripping and exposing her blood wouldn’t affect them all. She didn’t want to start any conflicts.

“They keep looking at your hand.” His voice broke the silence, shocking her.

She felt her heart race. She hadn’t expected him to keep trying to talk to her. Especially not after she tried to get away from him after his last attempt.

Nobody had tried so hard to talk to her in a while.

“Excuse me?” She didn’t know how to respond. She wasn’t looking at him but she could feel his eyes on her, the heat of his gaze burning a hole in the side of head.

“The guards. They keep looking at your hand that’s wrapped.” He sounded frustrated.

“I know.”

Clarke, look at me.” She looked up at him. She could recognize the look on his face. It had been the same face he’d had when she’d said she was leaving after Mt. Weather or when she said she wanted to stay or Polis. It was the face he wore when he didn’t understand her.

When he didn’t quite recognize her.

They’d reached the border and the guards stopped them. The blonde one stepped forward.

“This is where we leave you. If you pass this point again, we’ll be forced to bind you and bring you back into captivity. Don’t come back.” The guards watched them walk out the fence and then locked it. They turned around and went back to the town, most of them never turning back, except the blonde once. He looked right at her.

But they weren’t planning on coming back. At least she didn’t think they were, until they figured this moon out.

The group said nothing and continued to walk. They walked in silence for about five minutes before Clarke heard Echo ask Raven, “How’d you get to us without them knowing?”

“Jordan. We called on the radio this morning, when we heading down but we didn’t hear a response. We weren’t sure what to do, but Jordan mentioned that Monty and Harper had built some toys for him when he was young. They had built this tiny spaceship and they made it remote control flight capable so we just attached a camera on it and sent it out over where we knew you were. We saw you lot tied up and figured I should probably come and save your asses again.”

“Not the first time and not the last,” Echo laughed while smirking at Raven.

Clarke looked away. Years ago, it had been her in Echo’s position. Had she known staying behind to save them would have changed so much, she still would have done it. Just maybe, she would have tried to move on, and not spent all her time waiting for them to return. They may be right next to her now, but they weren’t back to her.

“The rest of the group is just about 20 minutes that way- they didn’t want to be too far in case the plan went south, but I figured we couldn’t be too careful. After all we didn’t know how many people they have outside their borders.”

“Clever,” Echo responded. “Did you actually have more bombs?”

“No, we barely had the parts for one. We figured out a way to get the remote box to make a terrifying sound though so plan B in case they didn’t believe me, was keep the noise going till Diyoza got us out of there. She actually was within the borders, keeping an eye from up high in a tree in case things went sideways. She should be back with the others by now though.”

“So now what?” Emori asked.

No one responded for a moment and then turned to look at Bellamy. Clarke didn’t look at any of them or him. She felt him shift next to her, almost turning towards her to ask her opinion, but he must have changed his mind because in the next moment, he stepped forward, past her and towards the rest of the group. People die when you’re in charge, Clarke.

He must have remembered. It was to be expected.

 

Bellamy’s P.O.V.

 

She wouldn’t look at him. The only times she would was when he practically had to beg her to.

Even after six years in space, away from Clarke, his instinct was to turn to her and make decisions together. But she didn’t want that anymore and he had to learn to give her the space she wanted from him.

“We’ll scout out a location and set up a temporary camp. I think our best option is by the lake we found on our way here. We’d have access to water, and the cover of the trees nearby,” he decided, a little part of him hoping Clarke would agree or disagree or say something. That she’d nod her head. That she’d give some response.

She didn’t.

“What about the bugs?” Zeke asked, looking a little worried at the idea of being attacked by millions of flying missiles. He’d forgotten about those.

“We’re going to have to figure out how to deal. The people living here have figured out how. We’re just going to have to figure out how to do the same.”

“And the eclipse? Bellamy, I don’t think we’ll survive an all out fight like that again, especially without the restraints we had for at least a little bit back there. Not to mention when there’s hundreds of us down here,” Murphy asked, not wanting to have to deal with another near death situation.

“I don’t know. We’ll figure it out. We always do,” Bellamy responded, feeling the pressure of figuring out all the solutions weighing down solely on him. He felt hot and overwhelmed, the blood rushing his ears, sounding like it was drowning him.

In space, he’d led them but they’d all had their own areas where they took charge. Raven with all the technology and figuring out how to get them back to Earth, with Emori tagging along. Echo took charge of training for all of them. Monty and Harper focused on making sure they were all fed. Murphy took care of Murphy. So yeah, he’d led them, but it hadn’t been all on him.

Before that, he’d always had Clarke to share the burden with him.

And before there was Clarke, he was Atlas, resting the world on his shoulders. His world had been Octavia and he’d done everything to keep her safe and happy, risking everything, forgetting to take care of himself.

On the ground, his world had grown, but Clarke had been there to share the weight, letting his shoulders rest in a way they hadn’t since he was six.

For the first time since they came down on the dropship, Bellamy felt like Atlas again. He was alone holding everything up and he wasn’t sure he was strong enough to hold it up without watching everything fall to pieces around him.

“We’ll figure it out,” he repeated again, trying to convince himself along with everyone around him. He looked around at each one of them, knowing they were going to be in for a rough learning curve, understanding how to survive here. “Raven, what supplies do we have?”

“I left some food rations, water and a couple tents with Gaia, Diyoza and Madi-” she broke off and looked at Clarke for the first time. Bellamy turned and looked at her as well. As was becoming normal, she wasn’t looking back. She was facing the group, just not looking at any of them. If Raven was looking for a reaction, it seems like Clarke had gotten the reaction out of her the day before and had nothing to say.

“How many tents did you bring?” He asked, trying to move the conversation away from any possible arguments.

“Not enough. Each tent is enough for maybe 4 of us and we only have 3. We’d need at least one more, but we won’t be able to make it back up to the ship and down tonight,” Raven answered.

“No, I don’t think we should split up just yet. We need more people down here right now, not less. Some of us can sleep outside, or we’ll just have to make do and be uncomfortable in the tents until we get some more permanent shelter.”

“So we just start building?” Shaw asked, looking at him.

“It’s what the plan has always been. There was never any guarantee we’d find other human life wherever we ended up so we go on as if that’s the case. Hopefully over time, we’ll find a way to build a relationship with the Sanctum people, but for now we keep our distance,” Bellamy responded confidently, hoping to instil some of it into them, though in reality he was just faking it. He’d always been good at talking to them and motivating them and he’d have to draw on that energy now.

“Well we can’t get off to a worse start with them than we did on Earth, and I guess that plan is better than whatever the hell we want,” Murphy joked. A joke no one really appreciated, as Raven and Miller both rolled their eyes.

It took him aback. Looking around at them all he realized that only he, Clarke, Miller and Murphy had come down on the original dropship. Only 4 of them of the original 101 that first came down to Earth. Only 4, 5 including Raven, who really knew what it was like to start over from nothing.

They’d done it once though, and maybe it hadn’t been perfect, but they could do it again.

Notes:

Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think in the comments or come talk to me on twitter @barnespadfoot!

Notes:

Hope you guys liked it and if people do like it, I'll continue posting as I write! Hmu on twitter at @bellamyblvk!