Chapter Text
Jimin learns it through a phone call from a friend.
Yoongi finds a letter.
*
Yoongi,
I’m sorry. I’m losing a long fight, I don’t have the strength in me anymore and I no longer see the light. If I am not successful in doing what I am going to do today (I checked, the percentage of failure is really low), I will just try something else. Soon, you will learn stuff that will make you hate me and that is a good thing. It will help you cope.
There are two of my diaries at my apartment, I really want you to take them to my mother. You will find a note on top of them (which are behind that floorboard where I used to stash some of my weed), you will see it easily. On it is my mother’s address. I don’t think she moved but if so, sorry in advance that I made you go on a futile trip like that.
Despite what you will learn and despite what you will think of me in the next few hours or maybe for the rest of your life, I really loved you. I loved you a lot. And you've helped me tremendously. I don’t want you to ask yourself if you were good enough which is a question that I believe will come up; a question you might ask yourself because I have ended my life and because of something else too — you were. You were good enough, you were better than I expected, better than what I hoped for; you were better and so much more than I needed and deserved and I cherished every moment of us.
Sometimes we fight a losing battle, I got really tired of it. Don’t blame yourself. Don’t blame him either, you will learn what I mean by this. For some reason, it’s hard to write it here even though it will all end soon and it doesn’t matter if I tell you now or if you learn later but I still can’t bring myself to do it. I must be more ashamed of this than I thought I was.
I’m writing this next to you, you are sound asleep. Yoongi, you look very soft when you sleep, all your edges disappear. I’m glad to have had the chance to see through the cracks of the masks you put on and I hope that you will find somebody who will love you better and with more intensity.
I hope all the best for you, for your music, for your life. You will find yourself in better places, just keep on believing it. I will leave now to catch the train (I swear, I’m not trying to be funny) and I will (hopefully!) give you a kiss on the cheek before I go. Let’s hope you won’t wake up, you are a light sleeper after all.
Always yours and always thankful,
Dongwoo
*
Jimin doesn’t believe it at first. He closes the phone, cursing his friend for waking him up early in the morning after a long night of partying when he is hungover. He thinks it’s just a dumb joke.
Then, he is forced by his roommate to turn on the news. It's not a joke, his roommate says while shaking Jimin's shoulders. Jimin has no time to process anything when he sees the “Man throws himself in front of the train” text on the screen. It’s gone so quickly that he believes for a second that he imagined it. His friend takes the remote from him and jumps from channel to channel to find one that’s reporting directly from the scene. And when Jimin sees Dongwoo's name there, he feels like someone pulled the earth from under him; nothing feels solid, he has to sit back down. As he watches the screen, people’s faces slowly merge into one another, he can’t breathe.
“Jimin?” His roommate says, “Jimin, we have to go. We have to go there.”
Jimin throws up.
*
Two months pass, it’s winter. Yoongi finally finds the courage to go to Dongwoo’s apartment. He doesn’t know if the code to the keypad will work, he doesn’t know if somebody else is living there already but he assumes that someone else must have rented the place. He has practiced the conversation he will have with the new owner of the house, he reckons people will allow him to go inside their bathroom and get a diary out of a loose floorboard if he tells them it belonged to a friend who committed suicide. A diary that belonged to a lover. He should say it was his lover so they have no way of refusing but the word sounds bitter even in his head, he doesn't know if he would be able to say it out loud.
He goes up to the apartment and punches in the code and much to his surprise, the door unlocks so he opens it cautiously. Dongwoo’s apartment is a very small one, he only has one room. There is a bathroom on the left of the entryway and then you walk directly into the kitchen which is next to the king size bed. That’s all there is. Therefore when he walks in and is trying to decide if he should take his shoes off or not, he can see the entire place. Most of the furniture is same as Dongwoo left it but there is a lot of new stuff in there. He decides to take his shoes off and as he does that he hears the bathroom door open, his heart drops to his stomach. A guy comes out of the bathroom, he yells when he sees Yoongi and puts his hands in front of him like he wants to fight. His posture tells Yoongi that this guy must have had some kind of martial arts training so he takes a few steps back. When he thinks the other guy is ready to attack, the guy looks at him funny and his hands drop to his sides. “You.” He says, there is menace in his voice. “You.”
The house is dark except for the light that is coming from the bathroom so Yoongi has to squint to get a good look at the guy even though they are standing close to one another. He recognises him immediately, not surprised that he also recognized Yoongi. It’s one of the guys from one of Dongwoo’s dance classes. Yoongi can’t put a name to the face but he remembers seeing him around Dongwoo once or twice before he stopped picking Dongwoo up from dance classes.
“How can you even come here?” The guy is wearing sweats and a black shirt. He has jet black hair and really strong looking arms. He looks very intimidating so his accusing tone of voice makes Yoongi nervous. Yoongi is looking at him as a potential threat now. Why is he in this apartment? Why does he have so much resentment for Yoongi? Is he Dongwoo's stalker? He thinks if there was a physical altercation between them, he would be the one getting hurt so he decides to keep his calm and make sure he doesn't anger him.
“I’m sorry,” Yoongi manages to say. “I am here because Dongwoo left me a note before he—,” Yoongi stops. He is not ready to say that out loud. He gets the note out of his pocket, this is what he practiced he would say to the house’s new owner, it’s just that he never assumed it would be someone Dongwoo already knew. "He left me a note to get something from the house, that's why I am here."
The guy almost tears the paper apart when he takes it from Yoongi’s hand. As he opens it, Yoongi can see his hands shake holding the paper, his eyes move like crazy as he reads as if the words are going to disappear if he doesn't read them fast enough. Yoongi gets even more anxious about the way he is reacting, perhaps this guy is not right in the head.
He looks up to Yoongi when he finishes reading the note and turns the lights on. There is a little couch in the room near the bed and he walks up there to sit down. “Go get them then,” he demands. Yoongi complies and gets inside the bathroom to find the floorboard to remove it. He feels weird when he sees the diaries are really where Dongwoo said they would be. They are there still yet, even if Dongwoo is no longer alive, waiting to be picked up for two months now. The floorboard is still intact, the diaries are neatly placed inside, life goes on. The note on top of them has an address on it, it's an address of somewhere in Busan. He gets out of the bathroom and stands in front of its doorway awkwardly, looking at where the guy is sitting. “Okay, thanks I guess,” he mumbles. “I will be on my way.”
The guy gets up in a rush. “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Excuse me?” The house is so small that it doesn’t even take a second for the guy to come near Yoongi and grab his arm.
“You can’t go anywhere,” he says. His eyes look scary, they have the kind of alarming look you see in the eyes of someone who is very desperate. There is no telling what he will do. “You can’t. I deserve to look at those more than you do. I’m his boyfriend.”
Yoongi doesn’t know what to feel. This guy must be insane. He starts to believe that this guy is some sort of a deranged stalker who moved into Dongwoo’s house after his death and is now spending time here making up stories about how they were together. This thought sends shivers down his spine, the house feels even smaller now; there is suddenly not enough air inside for both of them.
“I’m sorry, I really have to go,” he insists. He is careful when he takes a few steps back but he ends up stumbling on the entryway and almost falling down. The guy does nothing to help him find his balance, the hate in his eyes burn through Yoongi's skull. He tries to reach for the door knob with his left hand, not breaking eye contact so the guy doesn't get jumpy.
“You can’t. I can’t fucking believe you waited two months to do this.” The guy gets a hold of Yoongi’s arm again, taking a few steps forward, towering over Yoongi even though they are about the same height. “You weren’t even at the funeral. You don’t get to do this to people who actually care about him. We were in love,” a sob escapes his throat. Tears follow. He quickly wipes his tears with the back of his hand. “You don’t even care about him, you can’t do this.”
Yoongi gets angry now, so angry that it makes him forget how afraid of the guy he was before and how he suspected that he might have been insane. “What the fuck do you know about my relationship? What do you know about me? You are out of your mind saying you were his boyfriend knowing well that you are standing in front of his actual boyfriend, demanding to have his personal belongings. Tell me why and how the fuck you are inside his apartment first, or do you want me to call the police?”
A silence follows, Yoongi almost hears his voice echo after he stops talking. The guy is looking at him and he looks quite shocked. Yoongi believes what he said made him snap out of the deranged mindset he was in, perhaps realising even for a split second that he is not actually Dongwoo’s boyfriend.
“I—,” he starts to talk, his voice is shaking now. “What do you mean you are his boyfriend?”
“What do I mean? He was my boyfriend before he did what he did,” he starts shaking his right arm without meaning to. He really doesn’t like talking about this. "Stop acting like you don't know. You must know." They knew each other from university after all, didn't they?
“He was my boyfriend too.” The guy is shaking his head in denial, “I thought you guys had broken up before he...” This guy seems to have problems finishing that sentence as well.
Yoongi rolls his eyes, he can’t deal with this. The guy is absolutely out of his mind and there is no helping it. “What did you think when you just read he was with me in the morning of the… of the thing,” he makes a weird gesture with his hand like he wants the guy to complete his sentence. The guy looks at the note he has been holding ever since he took it from Yoongi's hand, “I didn’t…” He mumbles to himself. “I was just excited to read something he wrote,” his voice gets softer with every word uttered, his question is barely a whisper to Yoongi's ears. “Was he cheating on me?”
Yoongi laughs at him, making the guy wince. “Stop being ridiculous. I’m going to leave now and I will let the security know you are up here.”
The guy seems to snap out of the shocked state he was in and he stops staring at the note to meet Yoongi's eyes. He has a hardened look on his face, the vulnerability he just showed slowly fading away. “I am paying rent for this house. I live here. I moved here two months ago. Stop threatening me with that, especially considering you broke into my house. Now tell me, was he cheating on me with you?”
“Broke in? I had the code,” Yoongi is getting impatient. “Get a hold of yourself, please. He was dating me for four years. Then he… He is not here anymore. There were no breaks for us, nothing. You never dated him, therefore he couldn’t have been cheating on you with me.”
The guy suddenly sits on the floor and Yoongi leans in to try to hold him, thinking he fainted. The guy puts his arms around his legs and pulls his legs really close, he is sitting with his back to the wall. He looks like he is about to cry. “I’m Park Jimin,” he says, “Can you check October 13, 2018 on there, maybe he wrote something,” he points to the two diaries Yoongi is holding.
Yoongi remembers the name, it's like a light bulb turns on inside his brain. Park Jimin from the modern arts department. Dongwoo would mention him as the type of dancer he was striving to be. He definitely remembers how Dongwoo talked about this guy’s pirouettes for a whole week, mentioning this one dancer in his class so many times that it would get harder and harder for Yoongi to act like he was not feeling jealous. Seeing the guy in person, he is almost glad he had never searched his name up online if he had known this Park Jimin character was this attractive, he would have been even more jealous than he was when the guy was nothing more to him than just words out of Dongwoo's mouth.
He looks at the diaries in front of him, one has a sticker that says 2018 on it and the other says 2019. He really doesn't want to open one and read anything from it but he is curious to see what the guy might be talking about. He shuffles through the first one for a couple of minutes till he finds the date. He looks at Jimin to see that he is also staring at him intensely. “I don't know what it says but he must have mentioned me. Read it out loud please,” he pleads.
Yoongi does so, not knowing he will regret it the second he starts to.
Hello Mom,
How are you? Today I did something bad. But it made me so happy. How does that work? To know you keep sinning but then getting such bliss from that sin?
I bet you remember Yoongi, my boyfriend. I don’t remember the last time I mentioned him here. A month ago, maybe? Two months? Don’t worry, we are still together. Just less so. Is that a thing? We don’t hang out as often. Three years into a relationship, are we getting tired of one another? I don't know. You are probably curious about my sinful ways now, are you nervously looking down at what more I have written to see what I was referring to? Are you? Well you won’t have to look that far down. I kissed someone else. I kissed someone who wasn't my boyfriend. Are you gasping? But which part appalls you the most? The fact that I have a boyfriend? Well, you knew that already but I don’t think you like the constant reminders. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m cheating on him that got you gasping for air? I bet it’s both. His name is Park Jimin—
Yoongi stops there. His legs feel like they are about to give out so he sits down across from where Jimin is sitting. He sees that Jimin is not looking at him anymore, his stare is fixed on the floor. Is he ashamed? Yoongi continues to read from it, not sure why he is doing it anymore.
He is so fucking beautiful. He is the stuff of legends, fantasies, folk tales. A type of beauty I have never seen before, not the kind of beauty you’d find on mortals, if you’d excuse my blasphemous mouth. He sweeps you right off your feet and I think he doesn’t even realize he is capable of that. He—
Yoongi closes the diary. “Well, fuck this shit,” he mutters to himself. Jimin lets out a nervous laugh. They sit in silence for a couple of minutes until Jimin starts talking.
“I thought you guys had broken up. I didn’t know, I really didn’t know.”
Yoongi scoffs. “For almost a year? You had no idea? Come on,” he shrugs. “Don’t worry, it doesn’t fucking matter anymore so you can just say it, you know, confess like he did here.”
Jimin groans, he sounds like he is in actual pain. “I swear to god, I didn’t know. I had no fucking idea. I can’t believe I had no idea, how—,” he leans in close to where Yoongi is sitting. “How is that possible? I swear to you, I didn’t know. I never saw your stuff here, I never saw you around him. Not one time did anybody come up to me and say that you guys were dating still. You… you weren’t coming to pick him up from the classes—,”
“He had asked me not to.”
“I didn’t know, you have to trust me with this, I didn’t know.”
Yoongi gets up from where he was sitting, he doesn't understand why this matters to Jimin so much. Why does he give a shit what Yoongi thinks of him? What difference would it make if he knew they were dating or not? Jimin wasn't his boyfriend, it's not his responsibility to spare Yoongi's feelings. Who cares if he knew they were dating and still pursued Dongwoo despite it? “I don’t care,” Jimin opens his mouth to protest but Yoongi doesn't let him talk. “I believe you, whatever. I don’t care about this. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
Jimin gets up too, not giving up. “I care,” he insists. “I care and you should know that I didn’t know you guys were still dating and that I never suspected it.”
Yoongi decides to believe the guy. He just doesn’t care about the whole cheating stuff because it doesn’t matter anymore. He also knows that he would lose his mind if he dwelled on this too much so he makes a mental note to never open these diaries before he gives them to Dongwoo’s mother and he puts the memory of the little excerpt he read from it inside a cupboard in his brain, not to revisit it ever again.
“I’ll go now,” He doesn’t want to stay here and look at this guy’s face anymore, he feels itchy all over. The stuff of legends, fantasies, folk tales.
“You can’t.” Jimin walks up to Yoongi. “You can’t go. He wants you to take these to his mother?” He is waving the note that he is still holding in front of Yoongi's face. “Then I will come with you. I know she is in Busan, I am from Busan. We would have a place to stay, we would—,” he chokes on his words and starts to tear up, leaving Yoongi powerless. “I really want to come, please, those are the only things that are left of him.” He says, referring to the diaries.
Yoongi wants to say okay then just get them to his mother yourself but he can’t because Dongwoo asked him to do it. He wants to refuse Jimin’s pleas but he can’t do that either, he is afraid that Jimin will fall into pieces on the floor if he does that. He feels defeated. “I guess you could come,” he says at last. “I don’t know when I will go.”
“Let’s go tomorrow,” Jimin sniffs and goes inside the bathroom and washes his face. He comes back out while he is still wiping his face on the towel. “Let’s go tomorrow, immediately,” he repeats . “You— we are already two months late.”
“It is not like this is an urgent matter,” Yoongi says, knowing how insensitive he must sound to the other guy. “We could do it a year from now and it wouldn’t matter.”
Jimin bites his lower lip, Yoongi thinks that might be something the guy does when he is angry, he must be trying hard not to snap at Yoongi and ruin his chances of coming along. “His mother would be devastated to get them a year late, even these lost two months are too much,” he stretches his hand out as if he wants to grab the diaries from Yoongi’s hold. “Something like that could really help with the longing you feel.” Jimin puts his stretched hand on top of his heart. Yoongi hates theatrics so he stares at Jimin with a displeased look on his face but he can't help but hold the diaries more firmly when he sees the guy reach out. “I don’t think his mother cares either way.”
Jimin doesn’t respond. He must know too, he dated Dongwoo for a year, right? Thinking about that makes Yoongi want to laugh. Finally, something that can bring a smile to his face after living like a vegetable for two months. They were dating for a whole fucking year.
“Tomorrow then?” Jimin asks as if he didn’t hear Yoongi. “Tomorrow we can go?”
“I will see about that.”
Jimin looks unpleased with his answer but he doesn’t push it. When Yoongi wears his shoes and heads for the door, Jimin comes after him and waves his phone in his hand. “I will need your number.” Yoongi gets the phone and writes down his number and walks out the door without taking another glance at the flat or Jimin.
*
Yoongi doesn’t open the diaries when he goes back to his house. He never wants to open them and see another word written about Jimin again and he definitely doesn't want to see what Dongwoo might have written about him.
He gets two train tickets to Busan and they cost about 120,000 Won which is way too expensive for him but he buys them anyway as he wants to get this over with soon. Jimin texts him the next morning, asking when they are meeting up. Yoongi tells him to come to the train station at 11 am, their train leaves at 12. He wants to spend as little time with this guy as possible.
Yoongi’s house is close to the station so he goes there early, he doesn’t have anywhere else to go and he definitely doesn’t have anything else to do. He is sitting on a bench waiting for Jimin and it’s only 9 am, he doesn’t expect the guy to be there.
He drinks a cheap cup of coffee from the vending machine and watches the trains come and go, flinching every time he sees just how fast they are. He doesn't want to think too much about it but every time a train passes he finds himself wondering what it would be like to hit by one. A woman stares at him as he shakes his head violently from side to side just to keep these thoughts away from his head. He is only on his second cup of coffee when he sees Jimin, he is early too. The smell of his perfume reaches Yoongi before his body does, Yoongi is surprised his brain even registered the smell yesterday to remember it even today. Jimin sits down on the bench next to Yoongi, he has a pastel blue suitcase with him.
“Good morning,” he says, he is fumbling in his pocket for his wallet. He gives Yoongi 60,000 Won even though Yoongi didn't ask for it and even though he tries to refuse to be polite.
“Take it.” Yoongi does. No point in arguing, he needs the money and he didn't need Jimin to come over.
They don’t say anything for the next few minutes, Yoongi can see Jimin is shaking his right leg nervously, so much so that people around them keep looking at him like he is going to bomb the place.
“Are you okay?” Yoongi asks, turning to look at Jimin’s face for the first time since he sat down. The guy looks paperwhite, Yoongi is startled, it's like seeing someone with a creepy mask on. “I’m fine,” Jimin says but his voice fails him. “I’m okay.” He looks anything but okay.
When the 9:30 train comes and the doors open in front of them, Jimin gets up in a rush and Yoongi has to follow him to grab a hold of his arm. “This isn’t our tra—,” He stops when he sees the look on Jimin’s face, the guy looks sick. Jimin starts running to the trash can behind them and falls down onto his knees, throwing up. Yoongi doesn’t know what to do. Everybody is looking at Jimin but nobody is reaching out to help. People even take a few steps back, looking back at Yoongi with questioning eyes. But then like a switch flicked somewhere, everyone forgets about the guy who is kneeling in front of the trash can when they start to shuffle around to get in and out of the train.
Jimin gets up and wipes his face with a handkerchief he gets out from his pocket. He puts his hand on the wall for support and slowly walks back to where Yoongi is sitting.
“I’ll go to the restroom and brush my teeth,” he says, making sure to not directly look at Yoongi. He opens the front pocket of his suitcase and starts looking for the toothbrush frantically. Yoongi stops him by lightly touching the guy’s elbow.
“Are you okay? You should calm d-”
“Yeah,” Jimin says before Yoongi even finishes the sentence.
“Hey, what’s going on?” Yoongi asks again, trying to get a look at Jimin’s face. Did he go out and party the night before? Seeing Yoongi at Dongwoo's house was too much so he went out to drink right after? He wishes Jimin would get over whatever this is soon, all Yoongi wants is to get this thing over with.
Jimin keeps looking inside the suitcase and when he doesn't find what he is looking for, he suddenly stops and yells out a curse word. People turn to look at them again, now looking even more on edge as Jimin won't stop doing weird things. “Where is the fucking toothbrush,” his arms fall down to his sides and he kicks his suitcase away from him. "Fucking fuck- I knew I put it right there." Jimin puts his hands on his head, looking down.
Yoongi looks at the people around them apologetically and goes to get the suitcase Jimin kicked away back to where it was. He kneels down in front of him and tries to pry Jimin’s hands away from his face. “What’s going on?” He asks.
Jimin keeps cursing under his breath. “What’s going on,” he mocks the way Yoongi talks. “What’s going on he asks. I don’t want to take the train,” he says, more to himself than to anybody else. “I don’t want to take the train. I don’t want to take the fucking train. I don’t want to take the train.”
Yoongi shakes Jimin by his shoulders, he is scared. “Snap out of it,” he pleads. “God, please snap out of it.”
Jimin is shaking under Yoongi’s hold, Yoongi removes his hands and gets up again, he doesn’t know what to do. “Okay, we won’t. We won’t take the train,” he says in a rush. “Calm down. Just calm down for fuck’s sake. Get a hold of yourself.”
Jimin goes silent. An elderly lady comes up to Yoongi to ask if his friend is okay and whether she needs to call someone to help. Yoongi reassures her and then pats Jimin on the shoulder. “Just get up,” he says again. “Let’s leave.” Jimin actually is responsive this time and he complies. He gets up and reaches out for his suitcase but Yoongi refuses to give it to him. “I’ll carry this, let’s just please leave.”
*
Yoongi takes Jimin to his flat, there is not much else he can do. It's the closest place they can go to after all.
His house is bigger than Dongwoo’s but it’s in a worse neighbourhood and his furniture is old and ugly. He doesn’t think Jimin will care but he still feels a bit embarrassed when he brings people over. When they get in, Jimin practically throws himself on the couch in Yoongi’s living room. Yoongi goes to open the windows, not caring for the cold December weather because Jimin looks like he needs a lot of fresh air.
Jimin’s eyes are closed but he starts to talk. “You should have told me that we were going to take the train before you bought the tickets. When you told me you already bought the tickets, I knew there would be no turning back so I went there early to make myself less anxious about the whole thing but I can’t—,” his eyes snap open and his stare finds Yoongi, “I can’t take the train. I haven’t— I haven’t even taken the subway for the last two months. I can’t do it. I know it fucking sucks and I'm wasting your time and money but I physically can't get on there.”
Yoongi breathes out, defeated. He sits down on one of the chairs of his small dining table. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think you would be this affected by it.”
Jimin gets up from where he was lying down and sits up straight after hearing that. The tone of his voice changes from apologetic to something else entirely. “I figured you wouldn’t be able to understand. You didn’t even attend his funeral.” He sounds like he is mocking Yoongi.
“Would you stop repeating that,” Yoongi tries not to get angry, he is not one to get into arguments if he doesn't need to. “That is none of your business.”
Jimin scoffs. “He had a closed casket funeral, did you know? They wanted an open casket funeral, all his friends. But it was impossible. The mortician said she did her best but it just wouldn’t be possible. Unless you want to get scarred for life, as if we weren't already.”
“I don’t want to hear about that,” Yoongi cuts him off. He feels cold, maybe opening the window wasn’t the best idea.
Jimin rolls his eyes, “I can tell you want nothing to do with him.”
Yoongi is pissed off. “Can you please stop implying shit when you know nothing about me? Just stop.”
“You could have come to the funeral,” When Jimin repeats the same thing again despite Yoongi telling him not to, Yoongi wants to scream. “He would have wanted that.”
Yoongi lets out an aggressive laugh. “Believe me or not, dead people don’t want anything, it’s the living who project themselves onto them and demand things.”
“How bold of you to say this to make up for the fact that you didn’t attend your long time boyfriend’s funeral."
“I have attended enough funerals to know they don’t do shit for the dead. It’s the people who are left behind who need it. I don’t need a funeral to remember him,” he can hear his voice getting higher and higher, he can’t help himself. “People grieve in different ways, you have no right to talk to me this way.”
“Yeah,” Jimin says, that mocking tone from earlier is back in his voice. “People grieve.”
“I am out of 60,000 Won and I am inside my house with the guy my boyfriend was cheating on me with; what makes you think I want to hear all this shit? What makes you think I still want you to come with me to Busan? You are way out of line.”
After hearing that, Jimin sighs. “I’m sorry,” he says but the apology doesn’t sound sincere. “I really want to come with you.”
“Why do you want that anyway? It’s not going to be pleasant. It’s not like his mom will be happy to see us.” Yoongi isn’t actually interested in the answer but he asks the question anyway.
“I want to read the diaries before we give them to her,” Jimin is avoiding eye contact now. “I wanted to read them on the way to Busan.” He sighs again. "And you don't know how she will react. You really don't know." Yoongi hates how hopeful Jimin sounds talking about this because he knows better. He knows how people like Dongwoo's mother are and he knows how she will react.
Not wanting to say that to him, Yoongi makes his way into his kitchen and gets the sandwich he bought from the convenience store a few days ago, splits it in two and offers the other half to Jimin and Jimin (much to his surprise) accepts his offer. “I don’t think we are even supposed to read his diaries, they are addressed to his mother.”
Jimin takes a big bite of the sandwich and talks while chewing it, “I thought dead people didn’t want anything. I thought it was just our projections.”
“It’s his diaries, they are personal.” Yoongi ignores Jimin’s jabs at him. “It’s the right thing to do.”
“Attending the funeral was also the right thing to do.” Yoongi sees that Jimin has already finished his half of the sandwich and he gives the guy the other half too, Jimin takes it without a word. “I think I can live with the fact that I read his diaries, I need it.”
Yoongi doesn’t understand Jimin’s need to read them because for him it is the opposite. Reading half a page was more than enough, he felt his stomach turn with every sentence and that was a page about Jimin, not Yoongi. Yoongi doesn’t want to read or hear what Dongwoo wrote about him in that diary.
“If you think you can, I guess you can read them until we give the diaries to his mother.”
Jimin nods as he finishes the rest of the sandwich. “Thank you,” he says. “For the sandwich and for letting me come along. And I will pay you the rest of the money back for the train since it’s because of me you couldn’t go—”
“You don’t have to,” Yoongi cuts him short. It is a lie. He would prefer that Jimin paid him back, he needs the money.
“I will pay you back,” Jimin insists, “Just not immediately, if that’s okay.”
Yoongi nods and goes back into the kitchen, “Do you want some water? Juice? Beer?”
“No, thanks, I’m closing this window if that’s okay, it’s freezing cold here.” Yoongi doesn’t reply but he hears the window close. He gets himself some orange juice and goes back into the living room. “I don’t know how we are going to go to Busan, I don’t have a car so we could take the bus.“
“No,” Jimin refuses. “No, that’s uncomfortable. Can you drive?” Who the hell cares about comfort when you are out of this much money?
“I said I didn’t have a car,” Yoongi is getting impatient with Jimin’s demands.
“Can you drive though? If we had a car, would you be able to drive?” Jimin sounds just as impatient with Yoongi even though Yoongi has been nothing short of kind and understanding with him.
“Yes, I can drive. Do you have a car?” He seriously doubts that.
Jimin sighs and gets his phone out. He texts someone. “I don’t. But a hyung I know has one. I’m just going to ask if he would give us his car.”
Yoongi doubts anybody would be giving their car to them for a trip from Seoul to Busan, not knowing when they will come back. “I think you should get used to the idea of taking the bus,” he says, looking outside the window. It started to snow again. “Your hyung might not want to give us his car, god knows for how long we will need it.”
Jimin chuckles to himself, “This hyung has more than one car, don’t worry. I’ll just try to get a hold of him. It’s still too early. Can I use your balcony when I call him?” He is pointing to the door that opens to the small balcony Yoongi has.
“Of course,” Yoongi says. “It’s cold though.” He adds, not sure if it matters or not.
Jimin waves his hand at the back of his head in a nonchalant way. “It’s fine.” He puts on the slippers Yoongi has by the door and goes outside, he closes the door behind him. Yoongi can see his silhouette behind the door, it looks like he is calling someone. He has one hand over his body, he must be shivering.
Yoongi leans back on the chair and closes his eyes. He can’t believe he will have to drive all the way to Busan, all because the guy Dongwoo was cheating on him with couldn’t stomach taking the train. He puts his fingers on his eyes and pushes them in until he starts seeing different coloured spots and then he stops. He can’t believe Dongwoo was cheating on him for so long. He knows he promised himself that he wouldn’t think about this but the thought is always there nibbling on his brain constantly, not to mention the fact that the guy is literally in his house so there is always a constant reminder. He laughs to himself, he can’t believe he assumed that Jimin was out of his mind before suspecting Dongwoo might have actually cheated on him, that’s how clueless he was. Dongwoo was cheating on him with a hot dude who is younger than Yoongi, someone Dongwoo actually looked up to and was vocal about doing so. But none of that matters which is the most fucked up part of it all. None of it matters because Dongwoo is dead. Dongwoo is dead and now Yoongi has to drive to Busan with Dongwoo’s boyfriend and take his diaries to his mother. What a fucking joke.
“Um, hey,” Yoongi opens his eyes after hearing Jimin’s voice. “I talked to him. He will bring the car but only after 3 pm.” He goes near the door and opens his suitcase. “I need to wear something warmer,” he says, “Your house is a bit cold.”
Yoongi doesn’t mention that the guy went out to the balcony without wearing a jacket while it was snowing because his house is actually cold, he forgot to pay his bills. “Sorry,” he says, shrugging.
Yoongi’s surprised to see how organized Jimin’s suitcase is and just how many clothes he packed. “How many days are you planning to stay there for?” He asks, against his better judgement.
“I,” Jimin gets up and looks at Yoongi, he is holding an even fuzzier looking sweater in his arm. “I don’t plan to come back to Seoul for the entirety of the winter break. My family is there, so.” He stands in the middle of the room awkwardly. “Could I possibly use your bathroom to change?”
“Sure,” Yoongi says. Turns out Jimin had other reasons for coming along too. Yoongi doesn’t really care that much about the details, he doesn’t much care about anything nowadays.
He checks his phone. His notifications keep piling up, two months' worth of unanswered calls and unopened texts. Namjoon is the most persistent one despite not getting any replies and Yoongi knows damn well that Namjoon should be the first person he should have gone to. But it all feels so trivial now. What's he going to say? I'm hurting? I need help? Thank you for reaching out? It wouldn't matter.
Jimin comes out of the bathroom, the sweater he picked to wear on top of the one he was already wearing is also black. Yoongi starts to wonder if the guy only wears black as a form of mourning, he seems dramatic enough to actually do that. “Thanks,” Jimin says. “I think I’m going to go out and then come back here around 2 pm,” he adds in a rush. “If it’s possible, I want to leave my suitcase here because I already told Seokjin hyung that he should bring the car here.” He must not want to be around Yoongi either, even preferring to go out in the cold to spend time somewhere else.
“It’s fine, I will be home,” Yoongi says. “Go ahead.”
With that, Jimin leaves.
*
Hello Mom,
How are you? Today I did something bad. But it made me so happy. How does that work? To know you keep sinning but then getting such bliss from that sin? I bet you remember Yoongi, my boyfriend. I don’t remember the last time I mentioned him here. A month ago, maybe? Two months? Don’t worry, we are still together. Just less so. Is that a thing? We don’t hang out as often. Three years into a relationship, are we getting tired of one another? I don't know. You are probably curious about my sinful ways now, are you nervously looking down at what more I have written to see what I was referring to? Are you? Well you won’t have to look that far down. I kissed someone. I kissed someone who wasn't my boyfriend. Are you gasping? But which part appalls you the most? The fact that I have a boyfriend? Well, you knew that already but I don’t think you like the constant reminders. Or maybe it’s the fact that I’m cheating on him that got you gasping for air? I bet it’s both. His name is Park Jimin. He is so fucking beautiful. He is the stuff of legends, fantasies, folk tales. A type of beauty I have never seen before, not the kind of beauty you’d find on mortals, if you’d excuse my blasphemous mouth. He sweeps you right off your feet and I think he doesn’t even realize he is capable of that. He is something else entirely. He is so different. Mom, I think I am in love. It feels so weird to say that but it’s true. I think I am falling for him, even harder than I fell for Yoongi. That feels wrong, I feel dirty writing it just now. You probably think badly of me too, I give you a lot of reasons for it. I wanted you to read these and love me again but perhaps they will make you hate me even more.
Anyway, what was I saying?
Jimin. Jimin is different than Yoongi, it’s even scary how different they are. Is that why I am falling for him? Because they are polar opposites? I don’t think Yoongi loves me anymore. I don’t think I deserve his love if he does. With Jimin… it’s different.
He loves me differently.
He loves me in a way that makes me love myself again, as if we are in our little bubble. I don’t want to write anything bad about Yoongi here, I actually don’t think anything bad about him, it’s that I don’t know what to think anymore.
All I know is that I kissed Jimin and that it felt good. I want more of him, I feel a frightening hunger rise from inside me, I can’t recognize it.
Yoongi almost drops the diary from his hand when he hears his doorbell ring. He looks at the clock, it’s almost 3 pm. He shoves the diary back inside the backpack he prepared for the trip and just as he does this, his phone starts to ring. It is an unknown number which he believes must be Jimin’s.
“Hello.”
“Hi, I’m here with Seokjin hyung, if you could bring the suitcase here, we can go.” The last sentence sounds more like a question.
Yoongi wants to say something about how he isn’t Jimin’s butler but he doesn’t get any satisfaction from saying little playful remarks like that anymore so he doesn’t. He just says he will do it and turns off the phone. It takes him ten minutes to get down, they don’t have an elevator in his apartment.
The car that is parked in front of his apartment is an expensive one, it stands out in his neighborhood. People give them weird looks passing by, a car like this is dangerous here. They don’t have CCTV put up in every corner, not in this neighbo rhood. People are more brave here when they commit crimes.
Next to Jimin is a guy who looks like he came with the car as the model. He is wearing an expensive jacket with a brand symbol Yoongi can’t quite place, it’s probably a popular one. He has long legs and wide shoulders; a clean haircut that compliments his handsome face and plump lips that look even more defined with the light makeup he is wearing. Yoongi feels intimidated standing in front of him, he is shocked that Jimin who couldn’t pay for two train tickets is friends with this guy.
“Hello,” he holds out his hand in Yoongi’s direction, “I’m Kim Seokjin, Jimin’s hyung.”
“Min Yoongi,” he says and shakes the guy’s hand, hoping his hands are not sweaty from trying to bring the suitcase down the stairs.
“Let me help you with that,” Seokjin carries the suitcase and puts it in the car’s trunk. “Do you want me to take your backpack too?”
“It’s better if I have it with me in the car, if that’s okay,” he says, feeling weird.
“It’s your car for as long as you want, do whatever you want,” Seokjin smiles.
Jimin gets on the driver’s seat and gestures Yoongi to sit next to him. Yoongi gets in the car too, even the car smells good. Seokjin gets on the back seat and laughs. “Jimin-ah, leave me at Hoseok’s place and then you go,” he says.
“I know,” Jimin rolls his eyes. “You don’t have to remind me every two seconds.” He starts the car.
“So you are Dongwoo’s boyfriend,” Seokjin says behind them. Yoongi can see that the guy is looking at him through the rear view mirror. “His other boyfriend, I mean.”
Jimin glances at Yoongi and answers Seokjin before Yoongi has a chance to. “Actually, turns out I was the other boyfriend, hyung.”
Seokjin lets out a hmm and asks Jimin to put on some music from his playlist. None of them talk until Jimin stops the car in front of another apartment complex. Seokjin touches Yoongi’s shoulder before he gets out of the car and says, nice to meet you. Jimin gets out of the car with him. Yoongi sees them embrace and they stay like that for a while, Yoongi thinks it must be uncomfortable to hug someone for that long, he never liked hugging. Seokjin lightly pats Jimin on the back and Jimin stops hugging him, that's when he comes back inside the car.
“Okay,” he lets out a shaky breath. “I will drive the first two hours and you drive the other two,” he says.
Yoongi laughs at this, he can’t believe what he is hearing. “You think this trip will take four hours? And you say you are from Busan.”
“I am,” Jimin turns to look at Yoongi, he looks grumpy. “What do you mean?”
“With the traffic, I’m pretty sure it will take more than just four hours and we will have to take some breaks, so. Let’s say, you drive the first three and I drive the last four.”
Jimin gasps, “You really think it is going to take seven hours?”
“It could. You really never travelled from Busan to Seoul in a car?”
“My family doesn’t own a car so,” Jimin mumbles to himself. “Does your phone have GPS?”
Yoongi is starting to think Park Jimin is an adult child. “I think your friend’s car has it,” he says impatiently. They could have been there by now if they took the train. Heck, even if they took the bus they would have been there. Jimin looks at him with a blank face so Yoongi turns the GPS on and gets the route on the screen. “Here.”
Jimin is biting his lower lip, his fingers are tapping on the steering wheel nervously. “Okay then. Off we go.”
“Off we go.”
*
The first three hours go by smoothly. There is not much traffic and Jimin seems to be a good driver. They listen to Seokjin’s questionable playlists and they don’t talk to one another except for the times they make awkward comments about the songs or the times Jimin asks him something about the lane he should take. Yoongi is sleeping when he feels Jimin’s hands on him. “Hey, wake up.” Yoongi is a light sleeper, the hands on his body are more than enough for him to be wide awake.
“I pulled up to a 7-Eleven,” Jimin says. “I figured you are hungry… I know I am.” Yoongi gets out of the car and follows Jimin’s lead to the store. Jimin is still talking to him as he takes a cart off the ground and starts looking around. “I thought we could go to a restaurant too but I like convenience store food a lot, used to survive on their dosirak and ramen,” he puts some in his basket. “I love the food here.”
Yoongi doesn't make a comment to that, he doesn't like small talks. He puts some spicy ramen in the basket with two samgak kimbap packages. He also gets some chips and light drinks for the road just in case. After Jimin microwaves his dosirak at the 7-Eleven counter, they prepare their ramen and sit down on one of the tables outside of the store. The place is filled with high schoolers that are also sitting outside in the cold weather, drinking coffee and eating sandwiches.
Jimin sighs, “I’m actually really excited to eat this,” he is showing his dosirak with grilled pork belly. “They are usually out of stock by now but I got lucky.” Yoongi is really not big on small talks so he just nods and keeps eating his ramen. He is actually surprised to see that the guy is gleaming, even for a little bit, just talking about convenience store food. Maybe this side of Jimin is what Dongwoo meant when he said they were polar opposites.
“Actually, I was going to ask something,” Jimin sounds shy. “I think you agreed expecting this but I still have to make sure.”
“What is it?” Yoongi is reaching for the bottle of water he got, the ramen is way too spicy for his liking.
“I will stay in Busan with my family. For a month.”
Yoongi already knows this. He doesn’t understand what Jimin is trying to get at.
“So… If you wouldn’t mind,” Jimin is cringing while he is asking this, every muscle on his face is moving. “If you could take Seokjin hyung’s car back with you to Seoul, that would be great.” He keeps on cringing and looks away, his face is scarlet red. He must not like asking people for favours which is weird considering how many favours he asked of Yoongi in the last 24 hours.
The worst part is, after Yoongi hears this he feels as if someone threw a bucket full of ice cold water on his face. Right. The fucking car. Why did he agree to come with the car when he knew Jimin was planning to stay for longer? Why didn’t he think to ask? He has the urge to smash his head against the table that’s in front of him.
“I thought the car was ours as long as we wanted to,” he manages to say, it’s nice to know his sarcasm is still there despite everything. “Your friend won’t let you keep it for a month?”
Jimin averts his gaze, he stares at the food in front of him with a displeased look on his face. “I don’t want to ask him to give me his car for a month, that’s absurd,” he is tapping his fingers on the table.
“You are okay with asking me to drive it all the way back to Seoul by myself though,” Yoongi tsks, he doesn’t want to hide his disdain. “I’m sorry Jimin, I don’t want to make a five hour trip back on my own, and that’s how much it will take if there is no traffic and if it isn’t snowing. I’ll just give the diaries and take a train back to Seoul, you’ll have to figure the car part out yourself.”
Jimin sighs but Yoongi knows he won’t push it anymore. He should have expected Yoongi to refuse and if he doesn’t have a back-up plan, he should just drive the car back himself. Yoongi doesn’t feel a tiny bit bad about this, it is none of his business.
They eat in silence after that, the only sound being the high schoolers next to them listening to some pop songs and the commotion coming from the street of people going home. Jimin hums to himself when he takes a bite of something, he opens his mouth as if he is about to speak but then stops, probably deciding against it; this happens a few times. Yoongi thinks Jimin must love small talks and that he must have realised Yoongi doesn’t. Yoongi is eating his second kimbap when Jimin decides to talk to Yoongi anyway.
“I knew you, you know,” Jimin is done with his own meal and now is just waiting for Yoongi to finish his, “I had a crush on Dongwoo for a long time so I had stalked you for a while. My friend, one of my hyungs, is a fan of your friend RM.”
A fan. Yoongi should text Namjoon about this, maybe it’s the mystery J-HOPE dude who keeps commenting on their Soundcloud account. He nods his head in reply and then realises he needs to say something back when Jimin keeps looking at his face expectantly.
“Oh. I can arrange them to meet if you’d like,” he says, not meaning it one bit.
“That would be so cool,” Jimin’s voice is distant too, perhaps his words aren’t genuine either. Perhaps he is sick of trying to talk to Yoongi when all Yoongi does is give short and cold answers. Jimin takes a deep breath, “Yoongi hyung—” Yoongi flinches with the use of the word.
He can see Jimin visibly panic with his reaction, the younger guy swears under his breath. “Min Yoongi-sshi,” he corrects himself. “I wanted to make sure you know that I had no idea you and Dongwoo were dating when we were together, it’s really important to me that you know that.” He is stumbling on words, this time he sounds genuine.
Yoongi puts the last part of kimbap in his mouth, puts all of their trash together and goes up to put them in a trash bin. He comes back and sees that Jimin still has the same worried look on his face. “Look,” he starts, “You have to know that I don’t care about this bit of information. It’s all the same to me. You knew it, you didn’t know it; I don’t care. I didn’t know you, you weren’t the person in my life. It is not your responsibility either way. And he is not here anymore so none of this matters. Please stop talking about it.” He takes a deep breath. “If you are done too, I wanna get back in the car now. The traffic is probably shit now that everyone's leaving work so we need to get going.” Jimin doesn’t say anything to that and follows Yoongi back into the car. Before Yoongi can start it, he puts his hand up without touching Yoongi and sighs.
“Look. It is important. You are doing me a favour by taking me with you to his mother and I don’t want it to be weird.”
Yoongi rolls his eyes and starts the car despite Jimin reaching out once again to stop him. “You are making it weird by mentioning it all the time,” he says. “But I will say it one more time, I believe you if that’s what you need. I don’t care about the specifics of your relationship with him, I don’t care about that part of his life. You are with me because you…” He starts driving, “Because you loved him too. I just wanna drive in silence for now.”
Jimin falls silent but then Yoongi can see him fidget around in his seat again. “One last thing,” he says. “Can I get the diaries from your backpack because I really want to read them before we— you know…”
Yoongi nods and so Jimin reaches back from his seat and finds the diaries, he sits back down and Yoongi can see the diaries are on his lap.
“Don’t talk to me about them,” he says, eyes straight on the road now.
Jimin doesn’t respond, he is already opening one to read, his eyes are full of love and admiration. The kind of love Yoongi shared with Dongwoo, he can’t picture it anymore. Sometimes when he thinks about it, it feels like a distant dream. Were they really not hanging out as much back then, like Dongwoo said? He can't recall. Did they really love each other? He doesn't remember. What did Dongwoo's love feel like? He keeps asking himself these questions but he no longer has the answers. Now his mind races with different thoughts. What kind of love they might have shared, Yoongi wonders. Just how much did Dongwoo love this guy? And what did he think every time he came back from Jimin’s arms to Yoongi? Did he see him lacking in comparison? Because Yoongi can see that he does, at least physically. Did he see Yoongi’s flaws even more? If so, why didn’t he just leave Yoongi? What made him stay? Was it pity? Guilt?
As he thinks of this, there is a nasty feeling deep inside Yoongi’s stomach. He doesn’t want to name it, he doesn’t want to think about it. He knows the seed is already planted there and he wants to pluck it out. He knows if it grows, it will become something venomous.
*
They have been stuck in traffic for thirty minutes now. There is a car accident up ahead so they have to wait till the cars are removed. It’s snowing heavily and they still have at least two hours to go. Yoongi feels more impatient with every second that passes. Jimin is too immersed in his little book to care. Yoongi is regretting telling the guy to travel in silence now more than ever because he feels like blowing his brains out. Thinking about what Jimin must be reading, realizing that it could be anything, that it could be about him is enough to drive him mad.
A minute or so later, as if Jimin heard what he was thinking, he turns to Yoongi and starts talking. “Can I read this part to you?” He asks, his voice is velvety. A new softness to it that Yoongi hadn’t heard yet.
“No,” he replies and turns the volume of the music even louder. An EDM song of a popular Korean pop group is playing. “Thanks.”
“It’s about you,” Jimin insists. “Only about you,” he adds hurriedly. “And I think it’s beautiful. I think you need to hear it.”
“Whatever,” he manages to say. He really wants the traffic to clear out so he can drive, focus on something else and actually look believable when he acts like he doesn’t care. Since the car is not moving and he has nothing to do but sit there, he can feel Jimin’s scorching stare on his face, the car feels too hot. “Whatever. Then read it, if it will shut you up.”
Jimin doesn’t make a comment about this, he clears his throat and starts to read from the diary.
Mom,
Long time no see. I forgot about the diary entirely, my fault. But I am back with news. Yoongi has a new song, he finally let me listen to it. I think this time he wants to release it with Namjoon which excites me more than you could ever imagine. The song… There is no way to explain it, I wish you could hear it too. Perhaps you can, when he puts it up. I have listened to it so many times by now. He doesn’t know but I emailed it to myself from his computer and I put it on my phone.
I have memorised every turn the melody has, every little detail about the song is now ingrained in my brain. I sometimes hear it when it’s not even playing, I am hypnotised. There are not many lyrics on it yet, he just raps a little part. He doesn’t say much in it, the song is not finished. But, the melody.
Mom, I think I finally found his heart. It’s in this song, deep inside. He encapsulated all his love, all his passion, all of the things he keeps hidden from everybody else inside this melody. I can hear his heart beat when I listen to it, I feel I would be able to reach out and touch him through this if I tried ha-
Yoongi slaps his hand against the wheel without thinking about it. “Stop.” His voice is unfamiliar even to his ears. His brain is boiling as if all the blood in his body is up there. He closes his eyes and counts to ten, taking deep breaths. He opens the window and feels the December breeze against his face, the snowflakes are getting inside the car and sticking to his face. “Stop, I don’t wanna hear it,” he says again even though Jimin is already silent. “Don’t fucking read anything from there out loud again.” He wants to drive now and he doesn't care if there are cars in front of him, he just wants to drive over them somehow.
When the car in front of him finally starts moving, Yoongi opens his window even more so more snow is getting inside the car, probably flying over to Jimin’s face too but Jimin doesn't protest, he doesn't say anything. Yoongi keeps taking deep breaths, he isn’t going to cry, he reminds himself. He didn’t cry and he won’t cry over it. His hands holding the steering wheel are shaking like leaves but his insides are burning. All he wants to do is jump outside the car and lie in the snow. He wants to close his eyes and never open them again to feel the snow pile over him until no one can tell that there was ever a man lying underneath it.