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She knew it was dangerous, but there were moments when she couldn’t help herself. Maybe these were moments of weakness. No, it’s definitely moments of weakness. But these are the types of things Myfanwy Thomas is learning about herself. One of the things that always comes to the forefront is how her memories of Gestalt affects her. She can’t help but latch onto it; that spark.
Even though the weeks after the Danilov incident were extremely hectic and dangerous, it was the most full her heart has ever felt. She didn’t feel like she was scrambling for the most basic of things. Didn’t feel like she was simply treading water until the current carried her away. But sometimes, sometimes she gets restless. A thought, a plan, a memory takes her thoughts and won’t let go.
The first instance was on a rainy day. It made her think of her more recent memory that she had penned in a letter. She slipped on her jacket, gray this time, and pulled the hood up. She allows herself careful moments in public for necessary items. But a stroll through the streets? No, this was for them. Her fingers itched with the memories of rain and white hair. She crossed the street and very carefully picked a camera at the edge of town. She knew she would have to move quick after this. But she had to let them know. She looked right up at the street cam that was fixed to the street post and flashed it her warmest smile. She allowed herself a brief second of sadness before she pulled the hood over her face and disappeared into the crowd.
She wondered sometimes if Gestalt ever followed her. If they ever stayed in the habit of being in her shadows. She knew after their brief talk in the driveway that they were finally on the same page. Maybe not where they wanted to be. But, at least now, Gestalt knew what Myf was thinking. They knew what her intentions were. And that feels like starting off on the right foot.
She hears from Bronwyn now and then. Myf gets updates on the The Resistance and how it is using this time of disorder to try and regroup. With Lorik dead their odds have been more promising than they have ever been before. At least, that’s how Bronwyn spins it. Myfanwy is still happy for her though. Bronwyn has Farrier with her now and all of the people she cares about are accounted for. Everyone except for Gestalt.
Myfanwy has people she was fond of at the Checquy. Of course she does. Now that she’s learned everything she has, she has hopes for Grantchester as the new King. And has even entertained the idea of rejoining him when the time is right. But it isn’t the same as the feeling that tugs in the pit of her stomach when she sees a flash of blonde hair. It makes her feel warm that her first instinct is to turn towards the feeling. And then later has to remind herself that she must turn away. Her mind knows that she’s possibly not as far out of the deep end as she wants to think. But when it comes to this one thing, she can’t seem to bring herself to care.
Myfanwy knew she was pushing her limits when she had another flash of a memory. She was alone in her hotel room and was letting her mind wander. She had been trying to train and was testing meditation as an alternative for meds. She had put a pillow from the bed onto the floor and settled on it. She was still getting used to sitting still that long and needed to be comfortable. The air smelled stale and she couldn’t get her thoughts to settle. She’d been hopping from town to town helping Bronwyn and Linda in little ways. Myf’s brain buzzed with the days tasks. Linda was actually the one to suggest meditation, she told Myfanwy that it helped her. But no one anticipated memory bursts as a side affect.
She was trying counting backwards to settle in. She leaned back against the end of the bed and felt the softness under her. She took a deep breath and the scent from her clothes hit her. She sighed, rose oil. And then her heart started pounding. The lights in the hotel room suddenly dimmed and then burst back into full brightness. It started with a whisper of a touch on her neck and then it flew into a full blown memory burst. It was so intense that she had to step out onto her balcony for fresh air when she came to.
So it was just as Myfanwy suspected. She really did have a strong connection Gestalt. She wasn’t going to forget that moment ever again. It was so powerful she almost wonders at forgetting it in the first place. The flashes of Roberts body against hers in the coat room. She felt like they weren’t compartmentalizing their Selves in that moment. She felt all of Gestalts attention on her and it made her head swim. When she walked away from Teddy and Eliza it had been her last attempt to separate herself from her former life. Myf didn’t ever feel like she’d been brave. She was trying so hard to start being brave because everything she knew was falling apart. Of course she had feelings for Gestalt. But she couldn’t act on that now, not when she was trying to make sure she could put her life back together on the other side.
She couldn’t put Gestalt through that. She couldn’t put herself through that. But she wasn’t able to say no twice. That kiss had been what did it, it hit her like lightning. Myfanwy was maybe more selfish than she realized because the minute she saw Robert in the coat room she was done. Their tall form in all black. Their hair a stark contrast to the ensemble and their eyes a shock of blue. They looked so good and there was a small flash of hope in Roberts eyes. Myfanwy did the one thing she’d never let herself do and acted on her feelings. Present Myfanwy took a deep breath of the night air and went inside to try and sleep. She knew her attempts at meditation were over.
Myfanwy’s next message was a bit more old fashioned. It was about a week after her flashback and she was trying to get her mind off of it. But Myf just couldn’t. It was a new month, new town, new little local grocer. She was in line about to check out when she saw a little rotating rack of postcards. She carefully picked one without any landmarks and put it in her basket. She held onto it for about another day before she worked up the nerve to send it. She simply wrote “Dear You” and signed it with a heart.
It was getting to be the middle of summer and Myfanwy felt like it was time to head back to London. They were getting reports of the updates on all the goings on and Myf felt it had been time to try and go home. Monica had been in a coma and Myfanwy felt mixed emotions about this. But she understood why Monica went to Nazim. Myfanwy herself felt more confident and her ability didn’t feel like this horrible burden because she had the unprecedented opportunity of having the slate wiped clean. But she also knows what a struggle it is. Ultimately, Myf just hopes that Monica will be okay in the end. She did admire the American and wants her to be able to start fresh as well.
Meanwhile, the Lugat has been trying to regroup after appointing a new leader. Myf was very curious about how this new leader would fair. And the Checquy. Myf smiled a little thinking about her old job. They had a new leader as well. She thought maybe arranging a meeting with Conrad might be her next step.
Myfanwy was on a train making her journey back toward London staring out the window. She was taking in the scenery and thinking some more. She was grateful she decided to take time for herself. She did some talking and also some forgiving with Bronwyn and with Linda both. She met amazing and passionate EVA’s from all over Europe. They taught her so much. And Myfanwy finally feels like she’s on the track to figuring out what all of this means to her. She’s ready to figure out where she fits in the big scheme of things. But there was still one big question mark above her head.
Gestalt. “It’s always been you Gestalt”.
Myfanwy keeps fiddling with the burner phone in her hand. She types a draft to a text. She doesn’t send it but her thumb hovers over the command. She wants to keep up the transparency. Myf wants so bad for Gestalt to know that if they are willing to have her, she is willing to keep the communication up. But she hasn’t had her meeting with Conrad yet. They’ve had enough communication for Myfanwy to know that he’s open to it and she trusts him. But she hesitates to put Gestalt in a difficult position if things go sideways. And then Myfanwy finally decides to leave that up to them in how they want to respond. She types in a number she’s made sure she had had memorized since she left town, and sends Eliza’s phone a simple train emoji.
Myfanwy gets off the train and the station is bustling. It’s the middle of the day and she doesn’t worry about being able to blend in. She doesn’t anticipate anything happening, the EVA trafficking hadn’t quite started back up yet because investors were still scrambling to see if they’d been compromised. But it still isn’t a good idea to let your guard down. Her time abroad had taught her more about being diligent. Aside from her lapses in communication, she’s improving on how to act in the field. But she noticed slightly too late when someone runs into her a bit too hard. Myf thought she had seen a glimpse of blonde curls and her heart stuttered. She looked around for so long that it took until she stopped into the bathroom to notice the paper sticking out of her bag.
Myfanwy slowly unfolded the paper and almost dropped it. She instantly recognized the handwriting and her eyes watered. It felt more familiar and sweet than she could have ever anticipated. Myf stared at the paper with blurry eyes and read the writing over and over. All it said was a simple, “always” with a heart drawn underneath just like her postcard. Myfanwy carefully folded the paper back up and stuffed it into an inner pocket in her bag where it wouldn’t fall out. She splashed cold water on her face and then looked at herself in the mirror. She may just be getting the hang of whoever this Myfanwy was. But she’ll be damned if it isn’t going to be her best life yet.