Work Text:
A very nice song was playing on the radio. They told her that it was her favorite song for some good time.
Mina listened. She did like the song.
They told her she had variety of favorite songs from many different genres. They said she wasn’t picky when it came to songs. She would listen to anything people recommended for her and putting it in her playlist if she liked it. That was why it became a jumbled mess that Mina herself didn’t understand of how she was able to form it.
They told many things about her. Her friends. Mina appreciated it.
The one who was driving was Jihyo. Park Jihyo. The one on the front passenger seat was Dahyun. Kim Dahyun. And the other two beside her on the back seat were Sana and Momo. Hirai Momo and Minatozaki Sana. Mina looked at them one by one with a silly smile on her face. It felt so good to be with them. So comfortable.
“What’s the title again?” Mina asked timidly, and all of her friends, sans Jihyo, turned their heads at her, all smiling so sweetly.
Sana then said while giggling, “It’s Handhold.”
“Oh, okay.” She said shyly, fingers hovering above the screen of her phone, brand new, because the past one was destroyed, as she was told, “How do I make a playlist?”
“Here, I’ll teach you.” Momo scooted closer to her, she was in the middle, and politely asked Mina to hand her phone to her, “It’s easy.”
Mina excitedly watched Momo making a playlist for her. She used to be able to do this alone. Like the other things her friends had taught her before; she used to be able to do everything by herself. But she was repeatedly told that it was okay. There was still a possibility of her regaining her memories back. And it wasn’t like she wanted to be put in this condition.
The song somehow matched the bad weather they had to face that day. It wasn’t so late at night but it did feel like it was. The raining was pouring really hard. She was worried if Jihyo couldn’t see the streets well. But Jihyo assured her it was okay. They were going slow too. There was something awkward in the air when Jihyo said that she would never speed up while driving again. Mina caught it but she didn’t want to make quick assumptions.
“We’re almost there,” Dahyun then said, when they made a turn and entered a housing complex.
Mina looked around, feeling the same familiarity she felt with almost everything she encountered, “Are we really going to a birthday party?”
“Yup.” Jihyo nodded, smiling, “It’s going to be fun. Everyone there knows you. They’re all good friends.”
“Am I really invited?”
“Of course!” Momo chirped, throwing an arm around her neck, “The birthday girl has waited months to meet you again.”
Again, Mina smiled. There would be no stranger. She would be fine.
“But if you feel uncomfortable, you can tell us and we’ll bring you home. Okay?”
“Okay.” Mina nodded, “I will.”
-
Mina knew nothing about the birthday girl. Her friends didn’t even tell her the name. While of course it would be useless anyway, because Mina wouldn’t remember, but Mina could at least write it on the birthday card she slipped inside the gift bag. It was awkward greeting someone a happy birthday while not knowing her name.
But she was told that the birthday girl wanted to introduce herself properly to Mina face to face. As they hadn’t seen each other for the longest time, Jihyo said. Mina didn’t know exactly how long, but seeing how the others unanimously agreed to that, she assumed it was even years.
She expected an extravagant decorations in the house of the birthday girl. It was a birthday party, after all. It should be extravagant. But she didn’t see such thing when they arrived. The house looked normal. Like a party wasn’t held in it in the first place.
But Mina didn’t question it. She learned that things could differ from her expectations. Like, she didn’t expect to be friends with someone as loud as Momo, Sana and Dahyun, but there they were. Along with Jihyo, Mina became sure it was true that all of them were indeed close friends. She was rather excited to meet more people.
Sana’s hand tidied her hair, “You’re a bit soaked, you’re okay?”
“I’m fine.” Mina grinned, though she was freezing a little, “Just a bit cold.”
Sana returned the smile while grasping the collars of her coat, pulling it so Mina was wrapped tighter, “Let’s get inside.”
The house was really big. Almost similar to hers. Mina initially didn’t like big houses. She chose to stay in an apartment rather than the big house that was said to be hers. She didn’t want to be alone in such a big place. But since that night was a birthday party, she was far from being alone. She could endure being in a big house just fine.
Her hands clutched the gift bag tightly when they made their way in. Again, it was a little bit different from her expectation. There weren’t too many people inside. All eyes were on her when they came inside. Mina offered a shy smile and they looked just so happy seeing her. Mina wondered how long they hadn’t seen each other.
Some of them introduced themselves to Mina. Sana helped her remember each face and name. One was Yoo Jungyeon, then there was Son Chaeyoung, and Chou Tzuyu. There were also the birthday girl’s parents and relatives. All of them shook Mina’s hand, some hugged her, until Mina wondered if it was actually her birthday with all the attention.
Sana’s steady hand on her back assured her that everything was okay. There was nothing to be worried about.
“Where is she?” She then asked Sana, because she had talked with everyone there and yet the birthday girl hadn’t appeared.
“Just a moment, I guess.” Sana said, her expression was a bit awkward, “Do you want anything to drink? They made nice smoothies.”
“Oh, no, not yet. I’m good. I’ll just sit here.”
So she sat down and waited as Sana, and the rest of her friends, sauntered off for some smoothies. She exchanged awkward glances with the others before she looked down and realized she was still holding the gift bag. She wondered if the birthday girl would like it, seeing how she bought it without knowing anything about the girl.
One of the birthday girl’s friends, was it Jungyeon?, suddenly gave her a glass of a watermelon smoothie and Mina said thanks. She remembered Momo did say one of her favorite was watermelon juice. She took a sip of it and was pleased with the taste. Momo was right. Everyone in here knew her.
Mina was still busy sipping her watermelon smoothie when suddenly everyone cheered. She hurriedly stood up, put the glass on the table in front of her, and turned to wherever the cheer was directed at. She paused instantly.
Oh, wow. Was that the birthday girl who was standing in the middle of the staircases? Because if yes, then, okay, she was so pretty. Her friends didn’t tell her that she was so pretty. Mina could’ve dressed better for the party.
It was then she realized that the birthday girl was staring right at her. She was walking down the stairs and stopped when she looked at Mina. It was weird, in a good way somehow, that despite realizing that she became nervous if she locked eyes with others, Mina was able to look at the birthday girl in the eye for more than five seconds. She couldn’t hide how awed she was. So she smiled, and the girl did the same.
Soon the girl went down and was embraced by the others, except Mina. She didn’t quite know what to do and just stood still, smiling awkwardly. The girl seemed happy. Mina was glad. It was her birthday, after all.
After some time that felt too long, Mina didn’t even realize she was staring at the girl the whole time, she was finally approached. Her heart suddenly thumped loudly in her chest. What was it? Was she nervous? Why was she nervous?
“Um, hi,” She said first, still looking at the girl in the eye.
“Hello.”
There was something very soothing in her voice that made Mina confident to hand her the gift bag, “Happy birthday. I’m--”
“Mina.” She said, hand reaching the gift bag softly, “Mina. Thank you.”
Mina’s smile became wider. She knew her name!
“Yes, I’m Mina. And you?”
The girl’s face suddenly dropped at that, albeit subtly. Mina still noticed how the smile suddenly became sad. It was still there, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Mina wondered what was wrong. Of course, people were sad that she didn’t remember them, but something about this girl made Mina feel really bad.
She composed herself suddenly, putting on her previous happy smile, but Mina wasn’t very convinced, “Oh, right. I haven’t properly introduced myself. Silly me.”
No, Mina thought, of course not. We knew each other and I don’t remember. It’s me who’s silly.
The birthday girl then extended her hand, “I’m Nayeon.”
“Nayeon.” Mina repeated while shaking the hand, “Happy birthday, Nayeon.”
-
Mina found herself staring. Again. She could never stop.
There was just something about Nayeon. Mina didn’t know what it was. Well, Mina didn’t know anything, to put it simple. She wondered what it was. She was already used to the familiarity, but with Nayeon it felt even deeper, heavier. Like Nayeon wasn’t just a birthday girl. Like she was more than that. Mina didn’t know, but she wanted to know.
Her friends must’ve known that she preferred to be left alone so that was why she was all by herself in front of the table, staring at the glasses of various smoothies being put neatly. She peeked at Nayeon, now busy taking pictures with the others, and back to the smoothies again. What should she give her? She didn’t know.
The watermelon smoothie was really good, but what if Nayeon didn’t like it? What if she preferred mango instead? Wait, strawberry did sound tasty too. Great. Mina was confused.
“She likes what you like.”
Someone suddenly said from behind her and Mina jumped a bit. It turned out to be Nayeon’s mother.
“Ah, really?” Mina bit her lip, did Nayeon’s mother know she liked watermelon?
“Yes. She’ll always like what you like.”
She was given a pat on the shoulder before Nayeon’s mother left her alone again. Right. She was Nayeon’s mother. She could be trusted about Nayeon’s favorite smoothie.
So with a deep breath she took two glasses of watermelon smoothies and walked to where Nayeon was. She was still chatting with some of her friends that Mina didn’t know. It seemed like more people came after her? She didn’t know exactly.
The friends nudged Nayeon and she turned around, seeing Mina who was dumbly smiling at her with smoothies in both hands. Nayeon’s smile was still the same. There was a hint of sadness in it. Mina wanted to erase that.
Soon she found herself sitting near the pool with Nayeon across her. She clutched her own glass nervously. She still wondered why she was nervous. She wasn’t like this when she first met her friends, or Nayeon’s friends and her parents. What was it about Nayeon?
“You still like watermelon, huh.”
Nayeon then said, with a short chuckle.
Mina nodded, “Momo told me.”
“Yeah.” Nayeon nodded, looking down to her glass instead of Mina, “Momo’s right.”
Mina wanted to ask. But she found it hard.
Do I know you? How much do I know you?
She couldn’t. She felt like it would make Nayeon even sadder.
“You look healthy, Mina.”
“Thank you.” Mina put her glass down, rubbing her palms to one another, “It’s been almost a month since I was discharged from the hospital. Feels great to be able to live normally again.”
“And are you really? I mean, you’re doing much better now, right?”
Mina nodded confidently, “I am.”
Nayeon looked up at her, the sadness was obvious in her eyes, “I wish I could tell you how sorry I am for not being able to come sooner.”
“That’s okay. I guess you’re busy?”
“Yeah.” Nayeon chuckled again, and Mina waited. She somehow knew that there was more Nayeon wanted to say, “I made a promise to make myself less busy. I failed in keeping it. Now I’m trying to, even though it’s probably too late.”
Mina hummed, “I guess it was hard, then?”
Nayeon was still smiling when she nodded, “Yes. It was hard. But I should-- I shouldn’t have made a promise I couldn’t keep.”
“But you still tried.”
She shrugged, “I should’ve tried harder.”
Mina couldn’t stand it anymore. She didn’t want Nayeon to look so sad. She knew it was because of her. She made everyone sad.
“I want to remember you, Nayeon.” She said then, out of the blue that it made Nayeon taken aback for a good second, “I don’t know, I just... I just do. But I can’t.”
Nayeon became speechless suddenly, “Mina, I--”
“I can get to know you, though? You know, I tried this method with my friends.” Mina took her phone out, “I ask them about themselves and I write them down. It’s fun. And it helps me regaining some pieces back.”
Nayeon looked at her amusedly, and by then Mina noticed the sadness had disappeared, although just a little bit, “Alright. What do you want to know about me?”
-
Her name was Nayeon. Lim Nayeon.
Mina made another note in her phone titled Lim Nayeon.
The birthday party she attended was Nayeon’s 27th birthday. She said she was older than Mina by two years. So her counting was right about her own age, then. She was 25.
Nayeon used to work overseas. That was why she only met Mina then. Because it took some time for her to be able to be back fully to Korea. She needed to take care of some complicated things. Like, resigning from the job, her visa, and looking for another job in Korea. Mina could only imagine how hard it was.
Nayeon’s favorite color was sky blue. Very basic, she told Mina. Her favorite food was pizza, or basically anything unhealthy. Her favorite season was winter. It used to be summer! Mina smiled as she typed that.
Since Mina got bored easily, which was understandable since she basically had nothing to do aside from regular check-ups with the doctors, Nayeon and her exchanged many texts with each other. Mina somehow liked talking with Nayeon. She liked a lot of things about Nayeon despite only meeting once in the party. She didn’t know why, but since there were a lot of things she didn’t know about, it didn’t matter.
Are you still busy with your new job? Mina asked some time later. She was lying on her back inside her apartment, bored to death with nothing to do.
The reply was fast, Not at all. I’m even able to work from home.
Oh, really? Mina couldn’t help but smile, Sounds great. See, you’re keeping the promise!
Nayeon was typing longer than usual. Mina patiently waited. She still didn’t know much about the promise. But Nayeon didn’t seem to mind every time Mina brought it up. She was genuinely happy for her, though, to be able to finally keep the promise.
I try too, then came the reply, I just wished it wasn’t too late.
It made Mina frown. It was just a text but Mina could know Nayeon was sad. It was obvious. She didn’t like it.
You’re still sad, aren’t you? Is there anything I can do to make you less sad?
Nayeon took some time to reply, again. Mina was still patient in waiting.
Did you know that Jungyeon owns a café near your place?
Mina’s eyes lit up, No I didn’t! She does?
Yup. We can meet there if you want. I’ll send you the address but no driving!
It made Mina laugh. Right. No driving. No one ever told her directly why but she wasn’t stupid. She could know their reason.
Of course. No driving.
-
“Do you not, like, take a break or something?”
Nayeon looked up from her laptop to Mina, sitting across her curiously.
“I mean,” Mina tried to reason, “it’s good you can work from anywhere, like in here, but every time we meet in here all you do is work.”
Mina couldn’t imagine just how busy Nayeon was when she was still working overseas. She did talk to Mina, during their frequent meetings in Jungyeon’s café, but compared to the time she spent working, it was still lacking. Nayeon said she was still trying to keep her promise. She should stay true to her words.
“Oh, Mina, I’m sorry,” Nayeon sighed then, taking her specs off, “I didn’t mean to ignore you.”
“No, no that’s not what I meant.” Mina quickly said, “I’m just worried because you work all the time. Like you don’t rest.”
With that she took Nayeon’s laptop away so suddenly, and it made Nayeon panic, “Mina! What are you doing?”
“Helping you keeping the promise.” She said with a grin, “Now would you please rest and talk to me?”
It made Nayeon shook her head in disbelief, but still smiling, nonetheless, “Fine then.”
Only a few days ago that Mina figured out Nayeon was an architect. It sounded really cool. She designed buildings for people to live. It was funny how she figured out her friends’ jobs before her own. Sure, she knew she had a job before all the bad things that happened to her, but she never asked what it was. Her friends never brought it up either, but maybe someday they would. Or someday Mina would remember.
She preferred the second possibility.
Nayeon seemed amused when Mina started typing on her phone, “You really made a note about me?”
“Yes, of course.” Mina threw her a fake offended look, but then she realized Nayeon might have thought it was silly, “Is this... too childish for you?”
“What-- no! Of course not.” Nayeon shook her head with a giggle, “It’s just really you.”
“Really me?”
“Yeah. Like… it’s just something that you would do. It… shows that despite everything, you haven’t changed at all.”
The tone made Mina put her phone down and stared at Nayeon. They had been seeing each other like almost three to four times in a week and yet there was still nothing in Mina’s head about Nayeon. The doctor said she needed to be patient yet she couldn’t stand being so clueless at everything and making everyone sad.
She spent most of her time trying to remember. Trying to put the information she got to form an image of who everyone was. Who she was. But nothing seemed to be working. The doctor instead, told her to slow down. It wouldn’t be good for her to rush, he said.
Her friends have always been so patient with her too. It did relieve her, but at the same time it made her feel really guilty. The hint of sadness would always be there as long as Mina didn’t remember them. No matter how many times they told her it was okay, Mina knew better. And with Nayeon, it felt a thousand times worse.
“Anyways,” Nayeon was back at it again, composing herself but failing in making Mina convinced, “what do you want to ask me today?”
Mina fiddled with her own fingers, was hesitant, but decided to say it, “Can I ask you something more… I don’t know, different than usual, Nayeon?”
The furrowed brows made it obvious that Nayeon was concerned, “Of course you can.”
“These… times you spent with me, every question I asked you, everything that reminds you of how I don’t remember you, makes you sad, doesn’t it?”
Nayeon became silent then. Her demeanor changed again. She became vulnerable again.
How Mina could sense all of it; Mina didn’t know. She just could.
“Did I mean much for you, Nayeon?”
Because it was different. It had always been different with Nayeon. She didn’t feel this way with her friends. She wanted to remember them, of course, but she was never this desperate to. She wanted to know who Nayeon was. She wanted to know why she felt like this about Nayeon.
And seeing how Nayeon’s eyes became suddenly teary, Mina knew she wasn’t the only one feeling that way.
“You mean the world to me, Mina.”
Mina believed her.
-
Jungyeon had three pets roaming around the café she owned. There were two dogs and a cat. Mina was told that she was more of a dog person. That was how she could go along well with Momo’s three hyperactive dogs. So she expected herself to be more attached to Jungyeon’s dogs, but again, things were different from her expectation.
She stared down with a wide smile at the gray cat purring cutely on her lap.
“He remembers you.” Jungyeon then said, handing Mina some of the dry food for the cat, “He misses you too, it seems. It’s always been you he’s fond of the most.”
Mina rubbed his head as he ate the treats she gave him, “What’s his name?”
Jungyeon took some time before answering, Mina noticed it, “Bami. His name is Bami.”
Mina nodded. She had to make another note about Bami later because it seemed like Jungyeon didn’t lie. Bami really liked her.
“Nayeon said she’ll run late for tonight.” Jungyeon said again, standing up from the floor, “But if you’re tired you can go home and she’ll see if she can see you tomorrow, she said.”
It made Mina frown, “No, no. I’m good. I’ll just play with Bami while waiting for her.”
Turned out Bami did make a good company. Mina didn’t realize it took Nayeon almost two hours to finally arrive in the café. She spent the time playing and taking tons of pictures of Bami. Her phone used to be so dull, all brand new with everything empty, now it had Bami all over it. The cat didn’t get bored with her either.
“How long has it been since the last time we met, hmm?” Mina asked, rubbing Bami’s chin, “Why does it feel so familiar with you?”
The cat just purred and lazily made himself home again on Mina’s lap. She laughed.
She could get used to it. Mina realized. She might not remember anything but the people, even pets!, around her remembered her. And maybe it was enough. Maybe Mina herself could never fully regain everything back, but she could always live with what others had about her. Maybe it was meant to be that way.
Mina sighed. It felt strange losing yet still having everything.
-
“Have you ever wondered what it’s like to be me?”
When Nayeon turned her head at her with the confused expression Mina had grown fond of, Mina knew her question was yet again, weird.
“Like, you know, just walking around here trying to figure everything out?” Mina grimaced, “I kind of feel useless with what I’m doing. I feel… like, I should be doing something, just like how you’re doing your job and all. And yet here I am.”
Nayeon’s lips quirked up, “Does that worry you a lot?”
“Yeah, all the time. The doctor doesn’t help much. I mean, of course he helps. He’s the one who knows best about my condition.” Mina laughed, “But still, I guess I’m not patient enough. I’m starting to think that the day won’t come after all.”
“The day?”
“The day I finally remember.”
Nayeon stopped walking. Mina did too.
Their friends were already far ahead of them in that empty beach.
“What made you think like that?” Nayeon asked after a pretty long silence.
Mina could sense the slight disappointment in her voice.
“You shouldn’t--” Nayeon shook her head, looking down, “I mean, I try-- I don’t want you to push yourself. You’re already doing so well. But I just… I just don’t want you to lose hope.”
The air around them was no longer awkward. Mina wondered since when she felt that comfortable around Nayeon. Maybe it was since the first time she saw her. Or maybe it was far from their first meeting, back when Mina still remembered who Nayeon was. Who herself was.
“It’s what keeps you going, right?” Nayeon looked up at her again, eyes teary, and Mina felt her chest heavy because of it, “Hope. It’s what keeps you going despite everything. Right?”
No, Mina shook her head. It made Nayeon frown.
“What keeps me going,” Mina scooted closer to Nayeon, “is you.”
It made Nayeon laugh. Shyly. It was the first time Mina ever saw Nayeon being shy. She tucked the strands of her hair behind her ear. It was beautiful how she was smiling with the wind blowing. Mina couldn’t help but smile too.
“Hey!”
Someone called for them from ahead. It was Jihyo.
“Come on! It’s late!”
Mina raised her arm, “We’re coming!”
Their walk back to their cars were filled with giggles and laughter. Mina was back in asking random questions about Nayeon which the latter willingly answered. Like, what Nayeon would do in rainy days, the longest trip Nayeon ever had, if Nayeon was a dog or cat person, and all.
“Mmm,” Mina hummed, thinking about another question, “how about your first kiss?”
Nayeon made a face at Mina, “My what?”
“Your first kiss.” Mina repeated, holding back her smile seeing Nayeon slowly became flustered, though she wasn’t sure if she succeeded, “Don’t tell me you’re shy about a first kiss.”
“I’m not!” Nayeon slapped Mina’s arm, but her reddened face betrayed her words, “It’s just… it was a long time ago, okay!”
Mina crossed her arms, her laughter filled the air, “Alright, if you’re too shy to tell me. But have I ever told you how cute you are when you blush?”
Nayeon rolled her eyes at her, again, with her face betraying her action, “Only about a billion times.”
A shrug, “We’ll make it a billion and one, then. You’re cute when you blush, Nayeon.”
Another slap was all she got before Nayeon walked faster ahead of her. Mina stared amusedly at her back. She didn’t lie. Nayeon was the reason she kept going despite everything.
-
She had a bad dream all of a sudden.
Mina had bad dreams, occasionally. But it was never too scary or graphic that it never bothered her too much. And it didn’t happen as often as it did when she was still in the hospital. So Mina found herself sweating and panting after being woken up from a really, really bad dream.
She blindly looked for her phone on the nightstand. It was a little past two in the morning. Her apartment was silent. She was alone. She lived alone. She couldn’t stand it. She had to talk with someone. She wanted to talk with someone.
Her fingers moved by themselves. Nayeon. Oh no, no, Nayeon was probably sleeping. She couldn’t just disturb Nayeon. She reminded herself that Nayeon had a job. It was still in the middle of the week. Nayeon needed to get up early in a few hours. Mina couldn’t be selfish and call Nayeon just because she had a bad dream.
Right. Mina nodded at herself. She would be fine.
She then quickly put her phone back on the nightstand and rolled to the other side of the bed. She should try to go back to sleep. It was just a dream.
But the voices just wouldn’t stop. The loud honks and sirens. Also the screams and cries. The more Mina tried to hold it in, the worse it became. She couldn’t sleep like this. She was scared and terrified. She needed to talk to Nayeon.
She could barely let out a hoarse whisper when Nayeon picked up, “H-hello…”
“Mina?” Nayeon surprisingly didn’t sound like she had been asleep, “Is there something wrong?”
“I-I… I had a bad dream…”
“Oh,” It sounded like Nayeon was turning her laptop off, was she working?, “are you okay? Do you want to talk about it?”
Mina wiped the sweat on her forehead, “It’s weird,”
“What is?”
“This is.” Mina hugged herself tighter, “I feel this… strong urge to call you just because of a dream. It’s… it’s like two in the morning and here I’m calling you because I had a nightmare…”
“Hey, it’s okay. It’s fine. I understand.”
It was the same question all over again. What was it about Nayeon?
“Do you want to talk about the dream? Or do you want to talk about something else?”
“Nayeon,” Maybe it was because she wasn’t fully awake, that she decided to drop the question she had been afraid of to ask, “what happened to me?”
Nayeon didn’t answer. Mina already knew that it would be like that. So she continued.
“The dream I had,” Mina pursed her lips for a moment because she felt like crying, “i-it felt so real. Too real. Like I was there. Like it really happened.”
She knew why people never told her that. In fact, everything she was told was nowhere near what exactly made her like this. She knew it would be too risky for her to be reminded of it so soon. She was just discharged from the hospital for nearly a month. She wasn’t ready for it. She felt like she would never be ready for it.
But the dream she just had really did make her wonder. And it terrified her. Was it really what happened? Was it really her in the dream?
“Mina,” Nayeon then started again, and Mina felt like it was a breath of fresh air when Nayeon called her name, “hey, it’s okay. Whatever happened to you, it happened, but it was in the past, okay? I know it’s scary. I know it’s haunting you. But please remember that it was all in the past. You’re okay now. You’re safe.”
Mina closed her eyes, nodding her head, “Yeah, yeah you’re right. It already happened. I-I’m fine now,”
“Are you breathing properly now? You’re better?”
“I… I try to,” Mina did try to.
“Breathe, Mina. It’s fine. Everything’s fine. You’re safe. And you’re talking to me now.” Nayeon cooed, and Mina felt it would never be enough because Nayeon wasn’t there with her, “It was just a dream. It wouldn’t happen. Not again.”
Not again. Mina told herself. It did happen, but it wouldn’t happen again.
“Okay,” Mina was breathing normally again, she wasn’t sweating as much again.
“Okay? How do you feel now?”
Mina lied on her back, one hand on her chest, “It’s better. After talking to you.”
You make me feel better.
“That’s good to know.” Mina could hear Nayeon’s relieved breath, “After all this time you still get frequent bad dreams.”
“Is it not new?”
“No.” Nayeon chuckled, “Want to go back to sleep? We can talk again tomorrow.”
“I… I want to, but,” Mina stared up at the ceiling, “I don’t know how to go back to sleep.”
Nayeon was silent again, for some moments before she hesitatingly asked, “Do you… want me to sing for you?”
Mina smiled instantly. She had no other answer aside from yes, of course.
It was indeed Nayeon’s voice that drifted her back to sleep. Mina unconsciously hummed along to the song she sang. The song that Mina wondered how Nayeon knew that she liked it. But maybe, Nayeon knew more about her than she was aware of.
Handhold no longer reminded her about the rainy car ride she had with her friends. It reminded her of Nayeon.
-
It didn’t take long for Nayeon to replace Bami in dominating Mina’s phone gallery.
Mina liked doing it; taking pictures. She told Nayeon about it and all she had to say was of course you do. Nayeon didn’t elaborate it but it didn’t need a genius to know what she meant. Mina had been doing it for so long. Was it her job before it all happened? Because Mina was sure if she were told to choose a job right now, she would take photography.
“Will you come to Jungyeon’s birthday party?”
Mina randomly asked that time, looking down to her phone on the table, examining the pictures she took that day.
“Hmm?”
“It’s soon, isn’t it?” She asked again, was excited, “She said I’m invited. I’m sure you are too.”
Nayeon nodded, “I’ll go if you go.”
Mina grinned, “It’s nice how our friends, and you, hold birthday parties. I mean it’s not common for people our age. But I still like it. It helps me remember their birthdays. And yours too.”
The smile Nayeon had was a little bittersweet. Mina wished she weren’t looking too deep into things to assume that the birthday party tradition was solely held because of her.
“Yeah, I like the parties too. A lot of fun. And food.”
“When’s my birthday again?”
“March.” Nayeon said, “Still a little long while to go.”
It made Mina pout and look back down. She suddenly remembered something,
“Oh, Nayeon, did you like the present I bought you?”
Nayeon was about to answer before Mina continued,
“I mean, uh, made,” She rubbed her nape, suddenly feeling shy, “I had too much time on my own so I knitted you a hat and a scarf. Jihyo taught me how to do it. I practiced a lot when I was still in the hospital. But I was a fast learner! Or have I always been good? I don’t know, but--”
Mina was silenced when Nayeon suddenly surged forward and gave her cheek a short kiss.
“I do.” Nayeon said, sitting back down and busied herself back with her laptop, “It’s even my favorite present.”
“Oh,” Mina tried to hide that she was flustered, “um, great. I guess. Yeah. Cool. G-glad to know that.”
Mina peeked at Nayeon and saw the other girl was smiling too. Okay, Mina bit her lip, Nayeon could make her blush too, it seemed.
-
The birthday party seemed to be too mellow for her liking.
Mina thought Nayeon’s birthday party was weird enough. Turned out Jungyeon’s was much worse. She still expected a loud and cheerful party, but it didn’t happen. Instead they were just lounging inside Jungyeon’s café with slow ballad songs playing. Were the birthday parties really like this?
Nayeon hadn’t arrived either. Mina started to get worried. She said she would go if Mina did too. Well, now Mina was already there.
“She promised she’d come.” Momo said, like she was able to read her mind, “She might need a little longer to prepare.”
Mina nodded, “Yeah. It’s fine.”
It wasn’t much different from Nayeon’s birthday party. Everyone introduced herself to Mina one by one. The only striking difference was the lack of Nayeon’s presence. Mina wondered what took Nayeon so long.
Some of the guests had already went home when Nayeon finally arrived. Mina was already on her feet when the doorbell rang but unfortunately, Nayeon didn’t return her smile.
She even looked like she had been crying. What happened?
“Happy birthday,” Nayeon said, somehow solemnly, with a hug that seemed more like it was Jungyeon who comforted her.
Mina just watched silently.
Nayeon then walked straight upstairs without sparing Mina another glance. Mina looked confusedly at her friends, until Jihyo signaled her to go after Nayeon. Mina did instantly.
The rooftop of the café was usually closed but it was still accessible. Mina found Nayeon there. She was sitting by herself with her head down. Something was wrong. Mina slowly approached Nayeon. Was it because of her?
“Hey,” Mina said, slowly, “Nayeon, you’re okay? Something wrong?”
Nayeon didn’t answer.
“Uh, I’m just worried for you.”
Again, Mina got no answer.
Nayeon might need some time alone.
“Alright I’ll just go--”
“Mina,” Nayeon called suddenly, and when she looked up again, Mina saw the tears threatening to fall, “don’t go.”
It was because of her. Of course it was her. Since day one, Nayeon’s sadness was all because of her. Mina shouldn’t be asking anymore.
Nayeon then stood up, standing face to face with Mina. She looked so fragile and Mina wanted nothing to just embrace her.
“This place,” Nayeon said again, still hugging herself, “do you remember?”
Mina’s lips parted. Do you remember?
Nayeon waited for her to answer. Mina didn’t. Nayeon already knew her answer.
Her lips quivered, “November. Do you remember it?”
It wasn’t just Nayeon. Mina felt like her own tears wanted to fall right at that question.
Nayeon wasn’t stupid. Mina knew that. It would hurt her too much to say it out loud. No, I don’t. Mina’s head screamed the answer. I don’t remember. I may never remember.
“I-I promised myself,” Nayeon continued, tears already spilling, and Mina could do nothing but watch her break down, “that I have to be patient. That y-you need time and I can’t rush you. But it hurts. It hurts me that you’re seeing me as a stranger. That you don’t remember m-me.”
Mina tried to calm her, “Nayeon,”
“It’s not your fault.” Nayeon then continued, holding back her sobs, “A-and it’s not mine, either. It’s just… it hurts me so much. It’s only been a little while but… the way I-I have to act like I was okay with you not remembering who I am… it hurts, Mina.”
Mina didn’t deny it. As much as she wanted to, she couldn’t deny it. She didn’t remember Nayeon. She didn’t know who Nayeon was. She didn’t know everyone. She didn’t even know herself. She had told herself repeatedly to get over it and just accept the fact that she had to start anew, but seeing how it affected Nayeon so much hurt Mina more than she thought it would.
So she carefully pulled Nayeon into her embrace. She let her body acted on its own. Nayeon’s sobs became louder somehow, but she didn’t push Mina away.
“Nayeon,” Mina started, her own voice shaking, “I’m sorry. Please, please don’t cry,”
“I almost lost you.” Nayeon continued, in between her sobs, “I shouldn’t be acting like this. I should be patient and s-stay true to my words but I’m afraid if you’ll leave me,”
Was that why Nayeon had always been different from the others? Was that why Mina felt strong urge to be with Nayeon? Was she really someone special for Nayeon?
Because at that time, Mina was sure Nayeon was special for her.
Mina hugged her tighter, if it was even possible, and whispered, “I may not remember you. And I can’t promise you that I will. But one thing I’m sure of, is I can never leave you. I know it hurts you. Maybe more than anyone else. And I also can’t promise you if it will get better. But I want you to know that I don’t want to lose you either, Nayeon.”
Nayeon nodded her head and they stayed that way for some time.
Indeed, Mina didn’t remember. She didn’t remember who Nayeon was. She didn’t remember she was the only one Nayeon had ever loved since they were young. She didn’t remember they were each other’s first kiss. She didn’t remember that there was no one else for them aside from each other.
Maybe Mina would never regain her memories back. Maybe Mina had to live the rest of her life in endless questions about her past. Maybe eventually Nayeon had to remind Mina about who they were. About the rooftop of Jungyeon’s café where Mina confessed for the first time. About November one year back when Mina first got on one knee. About everything that happened between them, both good and bad.
The answer to Mina’s question a while back was yes. Nayeon did wonder how it felt to be Mina. How it felt to be able to forget everything. She wanted to erase the regrets she had. About the repeated broken promises she gave Mina that she would go back home before they could tie the knot. About the countless time she procrastinated even after Mina gave her the ring she still wore.
But none of it mattered anymore. Mina was there with her. She was given another chance to fix everything with Mina. She could still remember how it was when she thought she would lose Mina forever. And no matter how her body made her forget who Nayeon was, her heart would still remember, and it was enough.
Mina whispered to her then, when Nayeon’s sobs had died down, “Would you start over with me, Nayeon?”
Nayeon gave her another nod, “I would. I would.”
****