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It's Sunday morning and we really are working on our math, finally. We had tried to study on Friday night, but we were flying too high, and it was just pointless. But now it's Sunday, and we haven't been apart for longer then it takes to go to the bathroom, and the push, the panic to cram as much time together in as we can is fading. We've spent the entire weekend together, no parents, no outside friends, no one to bother us.
It's been the best three days of my life.
Despite our new activities together, we haven't let go of our old patterns. Hopefully we never will, either, and I don't think it's too great a fear, we're already coping pretty well. We can tease and joke and talk seriously, and lean over to kiss when we have the urge, read our books while leaning against each other, and all of it is easy. Like a life we've already lived. It's weird, feeling like this makes me feel much older then I am, but it's all so new, it makes me feel much younger at the same time. It's like my brain can't figure out if I'm twelve or thirty-two when I'm around him. Either way, it feels wonderful.
But we really do have a calculus test on Monday, we hadn't lied to our parents about that. Nick is good at math, but he has trouble knowing that. He tries, he works hard, but when it comes time to actually mark the answers, it all just goes right out of his head. He struggles with tests in all his subjects when he's already stressed or tired, but math is the only one he panics over even on a good day.
We've been pouring over the same damned page for nearly two hours now, and I can tell Nick is hitting his breaking point. He can do the math, he just can't get it out.
Just as the thought crosses my mind, Nick throws his pencil across the room, growling under his breath. "This is ridiculous. It's one test, why the fuck can't I get one test done?"
I shake my head and begin closing the books, putting them aside. "We need a break."
Nick pushes himself up off the floor where we'd been sprawled and throws himself down across the couch, one arm looping over the back, the other on the armrest, and his legs stretched out wide. He sprawls when he's stressed, I learned that years ago. If he's just upset, he balls up tight, sits small in a chair. When he's just stressed or frustrated, though, he's wide and takes up every inch of space he can, like the amount of space is the only thing he can controle, so he does.
I finish gathering up our books and papers and stack them aside. Pushing myself up, I go over to the couch, and give in to the urge to lay next to him, tucking my head into his neck, fitting into the space between him and the back of the couch.
Nick gives a dramatic sigh and moves over slightly to give me more room, but the wild eye roll lets me know he's just teasing, as does his arm sliding off the back to wrap around my side, pulling me closer to him. His parents won't be home until early evening at the soonest; we're running out of time, but we still have now.
"Maybe I should just copy Natalie. She never bothers to cover her work, and it's not like I'd really be cheating, I know the stuff, I just can't say it."
"You and I both know you're not going to cheat off Natalie."
"And why not? If I fail this test, I'm never going to have enough credits to pass the class, even if I ace the finals! This one fucking test could keep me from graduating, Cody."
I curl a hand around his chest, rubbing him with my thumb though his thin cotton t-shirt. "It's not going to prevent you from graduating, Nick, we're two years away from graduating. Unless you're sneaking in AP classes behind my back..." I trail off, teasing.
He growls something again, and pushes himself deeper into the cushions, and by extension, into me. I slide my leg between his. "You're not going to cheat because you're not that person, Nick. 'Sides, if you get caught, then you would have problems trying pass this class. Mr. Ennison already hates you, he'd leap on the chance to catch you cheating."
Nick groaned, "I know, I know. No way in hell ROTC would take me if I can't even pass 10th grade math. I can kiss my helicopter dreams goodbye without this fucking class."
I don't say anything, just turn my face a little, so I'm looking down our bodies, forehead resting against the skin of his neck.
Nick's quiet for a few minutes, before venturing, "Usually when I say something like that, you jump up to tell me I'll be fine, that ROTC would be nuts to pass me up for any reason, and you push another book into my hands." He's quiet, sounding a little uncertain.
I don't say anything.
"Cody?" His other arm comes up to wrap around me, and I close my eyes. "Cody? Come on, what is it? You're always yelling at me for putting myself down about not getting into ROTC, what's with the quiet act now."
"Before I never thought I'd have a chance to keep you past high school, Nick," I mutter into his shirt, not sure I really want him to hear.
Nick tries to turn his head, tries to look down at me, but I keep my face turned away. "What the hell does that mean?"
I want to push away, want to get up and pace, want to not have this conversation, but I've felt it coming since we pulled out the math books, felt it gnawing at me. "Maybe we can get Natalie to tutor you, that'd probably work out better then cheating off her test. She knows this higher math stuff a hell of a lot better than I do, she'd probably make a great tutor. Not to mention she's had a crush on you for two years, so she'd jump at the chance to spend more time with you, even if it was over some school books."
But Nick isn't letting it go. He slides partway out from under me, twisting so that my head is tilted back against the cushions, forcing me look up into his eyes. "What's going on, Cody?"
"Nothing, I just think Natalie would make a better tutor for you then I would." I try to sit up, giving in to the desire to get away, but Nick's arm is there pushing me back down. He's looking hurt and confused now, and just a little angry.
"What is going on, Cody?"
"Damn it, Nick, don't ask me to help you get into the fucking Army anymore, okay? I hated that idea when you first had it back in middle school, and I hate it even more now that I have you." I snap, and turn my head away, staring into the brown flowers of the couch.
"What?" Nick's fingertips are on my cheek, trying to turn me to face him again, but I shake them off. I really don't want to look at him right now. I'm feeling petty and angry and I don't want him to see that. Nick trails his fingers down my neck to rest them against the hollow of my throat. "Cody, talk to me, what's going on here, man? You've always encouraged me to join up."
"No," I snap, turning far enough to glare at him, "I encouraged you to do your best and follow you dreams, I've never once said the Army was a good fucking idea." I look back to the flowers.
"What? But Cody, you always say--"
"I always say you're smart enough, and you'd be a damned good pilot," I sit up, pushing away from him. "Which is true, you'd be the best fucking pilot ever, you'd be the hero everywhere you went." I throw my legs over the side, but don't have the strength to get up. "But there's a fucking war going on, Nick, people our age are fucking dying over there. I watch the news at night, and I look at the war reports in the newspaper, and I see that list of names every week, and damnit, Nick, I already see your name on that list every fucking time I look at it."
I still can't look at him, so I glare down at my hands digging claws into my jeans legs. "I fucking hate the Army, Nick. I have nightmares about people in suits walking up to our front door and telling me you're dead. Every time you talk about it, I have nightmares about you getting shot down over some jungle or blown up and you dying." I can feel myself starting to shake. I'd been holding this in for so long, telling myself I would never, could never tell him, and now it all wants to come out in a rush. "Your dream is to fly choppers, and you got it into your head that the Army is the only fucking way you can do that, and I'm your best friend, I can't tell you you're not good enough to do what makes you happy, Nick. I can't do that to you. You are good enough. You are smart enough. Fuck, you'd be the best pilot the Army ever had! But you're going to get yourself killed and I'm going to be alone and I hate the thought of you in the Army, I HATE it!"
The shaking is getting worse, and my eyes are shut tight, so tight I'm seeing flashes of red and purple behind my eyelids. I can feel my breath coming out in short, sharp, painful gasps. And suddenly Nick is sliding in behind me, his legs on either side of mine, and he's wrapping himself around me like a blanket. His arms are folding mine in, pulling them in against my chest, and pulling me back into his embrace. I can feel his breath against my ear, his lips brushing against it, and for an instant, the shaking gets worse, until suddenly they start easing, just as quickly as they came on.
His heartbeat is steady against my back, and his arms are tight, holding me close. He's saying something into my ear, my name, I think, but I can't hear it, can't hear anything over the pounding rush of blood in my veins. I've never had a panic attack before, but I think this might be something close. God I've wanted to say that for so long, it's been killing me. That anger and panic has been eating away at my insides for months, maybe even longer. I'm not really sure how I got that many words out all at once, but I did, and now I can't take them back, even if I wanted to. And once started, once the words are given an opening, I can't stop them again.
"It was bad enough when we were kids, and at peace, but god, Nick, now?" My body isn't shaking anymore, but my voice is still trembling. "Now? Now that I have you and I love you and I can't imagine trying to make it without you?"
"Cody. Cody, it's okay, it's okay. Take a breath. It's okay."
I'm shaking my head, eyes still closed tight. "It's not. It's not okay! You want to fly! You dream of flying! You want it so bad, it's all you want, and I can't be the one who tells you no. I can't be the one who tells you you can't have your dreams, because I love you, and you are good enough, and I'm going to lose you because I can't tell you to not go."
"You're not going to lose me, Cody." He's rocking us back and forth a little and his voice is sounding pretty shaky and scared, too. "You're not going to lose me. I love you, I'm not going anywhere. I love you, Cody. I'm not going anywhere, I promise."
I want to believe him, I want to let it go and stop being so afraid, but I can't. I can't even stop talking, now. "You're going to join up and I'm going to have to be there to see your parents get the news, and go to your funeral, and no one is going to understand why I fall apart, because no one can know how much I love you! I'm going to be alone, and broken, and you're going to be dead, and no one will know why it all hurts so much. And I'm not strong enough do that without you. I'm sorry." I can feel my hands starting to shake again. "I'm sorry. I'm not strong enough for that, and I'm sorry."
"No, Cody, it's okay. Come on, just breathe. It's okay. I promise, you won't have to do that without me. I promise."
"I will, because you'll be dead, Nick! You'll be dead, and I'll--"
Nick pulls me down, and has us both lying on the couch again, facing each other, and Nick is curled up around me, and my head is buried in his chest even before I can finish the sentence. His arms are stroking up and down my back, tense and worried, but comforting nonetheless. Surrounded by the feel and the scent of him, the love and the comfort I know is being offered, I finally manage a few unsteady breaths. My eyes are dry and sore from being pressed so tightly closed, and I pull one hand up to rub at them, forcing myself to keep breathing as Nick keeps telling me to.
"I'm right here, Cody. I'm not going to go anywhere, okay? I promise. I'll find another way. I'll find another way to fly, I promise. I'm not going anywhere."
I'm not sure how long we're like that before I start to feel human again. My throat hurts, my bones hurt, and I can feel the panic still tickling at the back of my mind, but I know it's useless to give into it again. Instead I just bury myself a little more deeply into Nick's embrace, breathing him in and concentrating on staying calm. Nick's voice is low and strong, and it's helping more then I'd ever admit. His hands are making long, sweeping passes from my hips to my head, now, too, and his thigh is a warm, constant presence on top of my legs, holding me close. Our bare feet are tangled together at the other end of the couch.
When my breath is no longer hitching in my throat, Nick pulls his head back a little, just far enough to ask, "You okay?"
I nod into his chest, the embarrassment finally hitting. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay." I don't want to look at him. "God, Nick, I'm sorry. I'm so fucking sorry, I shouldn't have said any of that. Really, I...I don't know what I was thinking. That was a total freak out, and you don't deserve any of that. I'm really sorry."
Nick is shaking his head, one hand coming up to cup the back of my head, pulling me in to kiss my hair and forehead. "Don't," he whispers, "Don't apologize. Not for that. God, Cody, why didn't you say anything sooner? I never would have put you through that if I'd known!"
I keep my eyes closed, but nod, "I know. I'm sorry, I didn't want you to know." I tuck my head under Nick's chin again, but this time it's without the panic and frantic need. "I didn't want you to know any of that."
"Why not?" One hand still holding my head close, the other moving again, making smaller sweeps now, just across my lower back. "Why didn't you tell me, Cody? I never would have put you through that if I'd known how upset it was making you."
"Because it's your dream, Nick." I do sit up now, I have to look at him when I say it. "It's your dream, and there is no way I can stand in the way of that!"
Nick's hand leaves my back and comes up to cup my jaw, pulling me into a soft kiss before pressing our foreheads together. "My dream is to be with you, Cody. I want to fly, yeah, but that doesn't mean anything if I can't be with you."
"You dream is to fly, Nick. I can't be the reason you give that up."
"Okay, but I don't have to fly for the Army." Nick eases his right arm down to the couch and gently presses me to rest on top of it, so we can look at each other while lying down. His other hand returns to rest on my side. "I chose the Army because I'm from a working class family, and we don't make a lot of extra cash. I couldn't see any way to get into college. Between my grades and how much my parents make, I just couldn't see any way. And without college, I can't get a job flying anywhere else. The Army would give me that chance, as long as I had my high school diploma, they'd put me though school themselves. But it's not important enough to do that to you. And I couldn't make it in the Army knowing you were back here hating me for leaving. Knowing you were going though hell, afraid for my life." He pressed several small kisses against my lips that felt wonderful. "I couldn't do that. I'll find another way. I'll get a job, work for a few years first, try to save up some money. If I get some savings and work full time, maybe I can swing college. I'm pretty good at football, too, maybe I can even go for a scholarship or something."
"Nick..."
"You're worth it." Nick looks me hard in the eyes. "You are worth it. I'll do whatever it takes, Cody, whatever I have to do be with you, I will. Whatever it takes to make you happy. If that means college, then I go to college. As long as you still want me, I'm staying here."
"I want you. God I want you, Nick." And in an instant, I'm kissing him, long and deep and everything I need to tell him is right there. And his lips are saying the same things back to me. need you and want you and love you and forever. Everything I've wanted, I've needed to hear, right there in our kisses. It's enough to steal my breath, but I don't care, I can only keep kissing him, keep saying the same things over and over. And before I know it, I'm saying them out loud, too. "I love you," and "I need you," and "Please, Nick, please, don't leave me."
"I won't. I won't, Cody, I promise. I love you, too. I never thought I'd have you, I always thought I'd have to grow up and watch you get married and have kids and I'd have to stand there and be your best man, and pretend I wasn't feeling dead inside."
I have to kiss him again at that. He wasn't the only one who saw that future ahead of him. "I can't believe you love me, too, Nick, and I can't take losing that now." I swallow hard, keeping my eyes at chest level. "If you want to join the Army, I'll find a way to be okay with that, I'll try, but please don't ask me to encourage you in it. Please don't ask me to tell you I want that."
Soft, gentle, tender kisses. "I won't. I don't want to put you though that, Cody, not for any reason. I just wish you'd told me sooner."
I can't help but laugh a cold, still painful laugh. "And say what? 'Don't go, I'm in love with you and have nightmares of you blowing up every night? Oh yeah, and please don't hate me forever'? I couldn't say that, Nick, I couldn't lose you like that."
Nick sighed and rested our foreheads together again. "I wish you had. God, I wish you had. I wish I had. I wish we'd figured this out so long ago..."
"We have it now. That's enough." I pull him into a soft kiss, licking at him, tasting him, reassuring him. "We have this now. And I love you."
"I love you, too, Cody."
We rest together like that for I don't even know how long. I can feel the sun drifting across the room, see it passing across the back of the couch, but it feels like time isn't even touching us. We just stay there, quietly pressed together, and knowing we don't have to move or say anything. We have it all right there with us.
I'm half asleep against his chest when he finally sighs, "Do you know any more tutors?"
I pry my head off of him and give him a blurry eyed blink. "What?"
He looks up at the ceiling and shrugs. "Well, if I'm going to get into college, I'm going to need to work on my grades. And you know how I am with tests. I'm probably going to need tutors in every subject, just to be safe." he looked down at me before giving another half shrug, "You're good, Cody, but I think we might start even more rumors if we spend every minute together, just so I can pass some tests."
I can't stop the blinding smile. "You were serious about that?"
He gives me a confused frown, "Of course I was."
I sit up, pulling myself over him and kiss every spot of him I can reach. "I love you." Once it's out, there's enough adrenalin in my system, I can't stop saying it, "I love you I love you I--"
Nick cuts me off with a laugh and rolls us, knocking us off the couch and onto the floor, kissing me back until we're both laughing.
For the first time in a long time, I see a new future ahead of me. And for the first time in a long time, it feels good.