Chapter Text
The "first" thing I remember was the squeezing. It was squishing me so strongly that it felt like it was going to break all my bones.
Then I was cold and wet, which is never a good combination. There were also people talking, but I couldn't control my body nor understand them. Desperate and scared I began to cry. I felt a blanket wrap around me and the warmth of someone holding me close to them. I wanted to ask who were they and where was I, but I couldn't form words. Meanwhile, I became more and more tired. Then I fell asleep.
For a long (or short) while I didn't have a grasp of how much time passed: I was awake what it felt like only a few hours a day. Moreover, I could see only blurred figures and I couldn't understand the language they spoke. My sole form of communication was screaming my lungs off, so when I needed something I wailed.
When I wasn't trying to shatter all the glasses in a mile radius with my crying (and I wasn't asleep) I entertained myself by replaying all the stories I read, all the shows and movies I saw. After a while, I was so bored that I started reviewing math theories and science principles I remember only to past time. I even started to train my mind to lucid dream and create a memory palace, things I always found fascinating and wanted to do, but I was too lazy and didn't have enough motivation to.
My new condition didn't feel real: it was like being in a long dream, one which you couldn't wake up, but steadily I realized it wasn't a dream, that I have been reborn in a new body.
I didn't remember how I died. One day I simply went to sleep and the next thing I knew I was here.
For a long time, I grieved for my parents, who always urged me to be more social and active. I grieved for my little brother, that I would not see be happy. I grieved for the few friends I had, even if they were few and not so close. I grieved for my old life, the opportunities I missed and those I couldn't take. I grieved for myself, I was lost in a scary new world.
Another thing that made me stay up at night was the thought of having hijacked an infant body, of depriving a family of their rightful daughter. It wasn't the best period of my life (both of them), but things did get better.
Time passed and I was more awake if not in control of my body. I could sit upright without falling, but most important I was finally able to see. Even when I was grieving (not that I stopped missing the Before, but now I could somewhat move on) I realized that there were too many different voices talking to me for being reincarnated in a simple family. Either my family was very big, like we-don't-use-condoms-but-we-still-do-it-everyday big, or we were rich enough to afford a staff to manage the house.
I had two nannies for myself. And a guard. The nannies were always with me and tended to my every need (I wanted to die every time they changed or fed me). They even slept in my room. The guard was just... there. If he didn't follow us when we moved through the palace I could have sworn he was just an empty armor.
Yes, I called my house a palace, because only a palace is so richly decorated and has this many rooms. It also has a theme and that theme is expensive. On the outside, the house was pure white, but every room I was carried to had to have gold in it; be it in the frames of the windows, in the edges of the furniture, on the walls or the doors. Sapphires were in the knobs of the blue drawing-room. The windows in my nursery had yellow topaz nestled between the stained glass. Rubies and diamonds adorned the ceiling of the ballroom. There was a crystal chandelier in the foyer looking at the maze garden in the west part of the house as big as a Christmas tree. I knew my home wasn't a real palace only because there was a very big one, with multiple floors and towers, dwarfing our humble abode even from a distance.
Still, I felt like I was living in Versailles. I certainly dress as if I lived there: every day I wore a new dress with lots of frills, ribbons, ruffles and such. The clothes here were weird. They were like kimono-spacesuit hybrids. Not only were they ugly, but they were also impractical: I had little control over my limbs and the multiple layers didn't help, besides most of the dresses were too much.
A part of me was awed by all the sparkles, the other was terrified of breaking something. A few-months-old child doesn't need that luxury, but clearly, nobody told my parents.
And they were…
Well, eccentric was a polite way to describe them. They didn't acknowledge the maids, butlers or guards that were always in the room with us if not to bark orders at them. They also didn't scold me if I threw something purposely on the floor, but expected the help to get it to me quickly. Guess that's what happens when you give expensive things to slobbering toddlers.
Apparently, I was also reborn in an anime-sque world, because my dad had purple hair and, since mine was lavender, I'm pretty sure his were natural. Thank God it was purple. I couldn't bear it if they were pink, every time I would have looked in a mirror I would have thought of Princess Bubblegum.
On the flip side, my mom was a normal color, as my twin older brothers (blond), but I inherited her pretty, baby blue eyes. Not that it really mattered what hair color the member of my family had: the hairstyles could have been mistaken for the ones in the film How The Grinch Stole Christmas. They were hideous and I fought, screamed and flayed when they tried to put mine up. After a while, the nannies gave up the hair, but not the thrice-damned clothes.
As they say: you win some you lose some.
I also learned my new name. Finally. It was Camilla Felicia Patricia Ambrosia Regulus. I know, long name, but considering I was reborn in what seemed to be royalty it was practically a given. I was just thankful that I was still a girl and didn't need to change gender. My family seemed to prefer my second name so I was called Felicia or simply Feli. Not by the staff of the castle tho. I was superior to them so I was called something Felicia (when they talked, usually they simply bowed and scurried away).
I was still working on the language, but I thought I made good progress (I hoped). Oh well, it probably meant something like “lady” or “princess”.
I spent the next months (re)gaining control of my limbs and learning the language. I could now waddle and I understood almost everything they said to me. I also upgraded to semi-solid food, which was a very good thing in my opinion, but at the same time, I was teething.
I was still practicing lucid dreaming and creating my mind palace. I thought I had a good grasp on both of them: I was able to control my dreams almost half of the nights and my mind palace was now a small room. It kind of resembled my bedroom of Before, but without the bed, since there was no room for it.
Most importantly I could reply. It was a Big Thing, both for me and for my family. I was ecstatic to finally be able to properly communicate. They simply loved me so much that every milestone I reached was something to be proud of. My parents were so happy that I called them Mama and Dada, that they cried and gave me a whole independent building in the northern garden. My brothers, Caspius and Leontide, spent the next few hours after that getting me to say their names.
I was spoiled rotten, and if I didn't remember the Before I'm sure I would have turned out to be a heartless spoiled brat.
Considering that whipping, slapping and kicking the maids and butlers was not only okay but also encouraged by my parents it would have been bad. I couldn't stand it when Mom or Dad did it. Worse was when Cas or Leo were doing it. They were children, barely six years old and beating black and blue someone that could have been our father.
The worst thing was that my nannies expected to be abused by me. I could see it, the fear and acceptance in their eyes, waiting for me to lash out on them when I was frustrated.
It made me want to cry. I wanted to tell them that they didn't have to fear me, that they were safe with me, but I knew that they wouldn't believe me. So I tried to separate them from my family: when I was alone I didn't let them leave me, I sent them away when I was with my parents, I ordered them to fetch me things that were on the other side of the castle when I was with my siblings, I played with them in my house in the garden instead of doing it in the main building, still trying to recreate the stories of Before. It wasn't the perfect solution, but I was just a toddler, the baby of the house. I promised myself that when I grew up I would do something to change things.
This is how I spent the first years in my new life, blatantly ignoring the sign of the gravity of the situation.
“Feli, Feli, Feli guess what, guess what,” said Cas skipping to me and pecking my cheek.
“Dunno. What” I answered. It was a sunny afternoon and I was playing on the terrace on the third floor.
“Next week is your birthday,” said Leo calmly walking in with a gentle smile. Cas was the energetic one and the oldest of the two.
The first boy pouted and gave the stinky eye to the other, but swiftly resumed: “Mom and Dad are organizing a birthday party for you.”
“Oh,” I said intelligently. It has been five years since I was reborn. My heart ached at the thought of my life in the Before, but less than when I first came here.
“That's it? Oh?” said disappointedly Cas, plopping down next to me on the floor.
“Isn't it the same as last year?” I asked.
“No, this is going to be a big event and everyone in the city will be invited. It's going to be next Thursday” chimed in Leo, sitting on a couch near to us and pushing away a toy that was thrown on it.
“There are gonna be presents and cakes and other children to play with and the ballroom will be all decorated and...” rambled the eldest, green eyes twinkling and imagining the party.
“Other children?” I asked, looking at Leo (he was always willing to explain things). Since I came into this world I haven't left the castle. Yet. I was itching to see the outside and a few hours in the gardens didn't count.
“Yes, it is a good occasion to introduce you to society” answered Leo. “Do you already know what you want as presents?”
“Not really.” I mumbled, then I ordered my nannies without even looking at them “Jenna go to the garden house and make a list of toys I already have. Clara, bring snacks. Lots of them.”
They bowed, chains clicking on their collar, and left.
“You could ask for pets, you don't have any of your own” suggested Cas. “Dad said that you are smart and old enough to keep one.”
I ignored the second part while my insides twisted. Pets, even my thoughts sounded disgusted. As in enslaved people. No, thank you, brother.
“I already have Jenna and Clara” I weakly protested, referring to the nannies.
“They are mom and dad's, not yours,” said Cas.
“They still follow my orders and they don't need training” I explained while hating myself for the words I said. Then I tried to change the topic “Did you already finish your studies today?”
Leo was about to answer when Cas cut in “Yeah, it was sooo boring, the teacher had us answer a million questions and...”
“Sweetheart, are you sure you don't want anything else as a present?” asked my mother the day before the party. We were in the ballroom, the one with rubies and diamonds on the ceiling. Mom was making sure that the flowers matched the furnishings. Theoretically, I was there to help her, but she was doing all the job by herself and I simply followed behind her like a good little duckling. “I know that you are humble, but it's your birthday: you can ask for anything.”
“I know, mom, but I really just want a puppy” I assured her then asked, “how many people will come to the party?”
“Our community is small but friendly. The other families are really looking forward to meeting you, so they'll all be here” she said while examining the position of a vase on a buffet table. “There will also be other children. I'm sure you will make a lot of friends quickly. Maybe you'll find a special one.” she teased, smiling at me.
“Mommy, I'm five. I don't want a special friend” I whined. Besides, it would be pedophilia, I thought. Is it really pedophilia if both parties are physically underage? Ugh, I don't need this kind of thought.
“I'm sure in a couple of years you'll change tune” she giggled “Well, we are pretty much done here. Now go, run along, your father wanted to see you.”
I hugged her goodbye and trotted away to search for my dad. I found him reading in the small library by the windowsill, his feet on a man's back. Making grabby hands and running at him while ignoring the kneeling man, I shouted “Daddy!”
“Ah, here you are, Feli dear. Come, tell me how are the preparations for your party” he greeted me, lowering his feet and picking me up.
He put me on his lap and I rambled on how mom had decorated the ballroom, which cake was on which table, which color the flowers were and so on for a bit. “Mom said you wanted to see me" I finished.
”Yes, dear. You see, there is this little fun tradition for when one is introduced to the public“ he said, kissing my forehead. ”It's like a treasure hunt: during the ball, you have to find the paterfamilias of every family attending and ask them to give you a token. If you manage to collect all tokens before the last ball, then all the families will come together to grant you one wish.“
”I don't have any particular wish, but it sounds fun, “ I said. It's a good way to let a child get to know everyone without them being bored or throwing a tantrum. ”Do I have to have a wish ready or can I ask something later?“
”There is no expiration date for the wish, but you have to wear the tokens on the last ball. Which reminds me " he snapped his finger and was handed a box. I opened it and found a necklace with eighteen charms. They were all different: one had a tree and a bird in it, another had a shark, another one had the sun and a mountain range.
“Tomorrow we will hand the charms to the various head of the households when they arrive. You will be in your rooms until we call for you. I'm confident that you'll have collected them all by the third hour.”
“I won't let you down, dad,” I said with confidence.
“I know you won't, Feli. Now, who wants an afternoon snack?”
Today was the day. I was woken up a little after sunrise and was immediately rushed to a quick breakfast. Then Clara bathed me, massaging essential oil on my skin and hair. I heard Jenna in my room with other maids shuffling and moving things around under the orders of my mother. At that moment I realized it was going to be a long process and I made peace with myself. I spent the whole day being pushed, plucked, pulled and painted on. Does a five-year-old need a face mask? It doesn't matter, under the watchful eye of my mother, no step was missed. I didn't even protest for the Cindy Lou updo.
Finally, my mom left saying “you are beautiful, sweetie. We'll send Klaus to fetch you.”
I was brought in front of a mirror (it was difficult enough to make those few steps, going downstairs would be delightful). I was...
Well...
It was particular. An acquired taste.
Oh God, it's awful. I tried to find something good. I really did. The dress wasn't all that bad, but it clashed with my colors. The upper part was white with pink dots while the lower part was solid pastel yellow. I had lavender hair and blue eyes. It just didn't work.
Are those bells? I thought horrified looking at my hair. I shook my head.
They jingled.
Oh God, they are.
I contemplated hiding in the walk-in closet. I thought of changing something to make it better, but that would mean changing everything.
They are going to laugh at me. I'm going to be the laughing stock at my own birthday party.
I couldn't escape: my mom would be furious, my dad disappointed and Cas and Leo would have blackmail material forever. I wanted to cry.
“Felicia Gū, they are waiting for you,” Klaus called from the door. I resigned myself and started slowly walking to the ballroom. I did not drag my feet, thank you very much.
Klaus went ahead to announce me. I stopped before the double door to compose myself. Alright, Felicia, yes you are ridiculous, but you are still going to walk in there with confidence. It's not the end of the world so put your big girl pants on and do it.
I nodded to the two butlers, they opened the doors and I walked in. The room was packed and the orchestra was already playing but stopped when I entered. Everyone was staring at me, while I kept my eyes on my father. He was at the bottom of the stairs and I slowly joined him, partly for the dress and partly for the embarrassment (which was also caused by the dress).
Dad gave me the look every parent gives their children that said: “well, what do you say when people do something for you?” I staggered a bit then raised my head. With immense relief, I discovered that everybody was dressed similarly to me. Maybe it's the fashion here that's atrocious.
“Thank you all for coming to celebrate my birthday. I bid you all a wonderful evening,” I said, ending with a smile.
The music resumed. My father bent down and whispered in my ear “they have their charm on their belt. Make sure you know who you are talking to, remember your manners and good luck, my dear.”
I started wandering through the room. Make sure you know who you are talking to? Does it mean Daddy wants me to know their name before I talk to them?
I ended near one of the buffet table and took a slice of cake. I contemplated what to do while eating. I could talk to the other children and ask them the name of their parents.
I looked around to find the nearest kid, but the only one in the vicinity was a snotty pug-faced brat throwing a temper tantrum over the color of a cupcake.
Nope. Uh uh. Ain't gonna go there.
Maybe I should find Leo. I'm sure he'll be happy to help.
I searched for a bit 'till I found him. He was talking to another boy. I waited for them to end the conversation, but Leo noticed me. “Oh, here comes the star of the party. Samael, this is Felicia, my sister.”
“Nice to meet you. I'm Camilla Felicia Patricia Ambrosia Regulus. Thank you for coming to my birthday party” I greeted.
“Hello there, I'm Samael Alfred Darius Goshawk. Leon didn't tell me you were so cute” he responded.
I smiled while my brother scowled. Samael was about to continue talking, but Leo cut in “did you need something, Feli?”
“Aw, can't I talk to Feli?” teased Samael.
“Shut up.”
“Dad wants me to know the names of the heads before I talk to them. Please, can you help me?” I asked, batting my eyelashes.
“Father probably wants you to make friends, so I really...” tried to reason my brother.
“My dad's name is Fredrick. He has black hair, curled mustache, and a goatee. You can't miss him,” chimed Samael in.
“Thanks, Samael, I have to go. See you later, Leo,” I said smiling all perked up, already turning away.
“Your sister is so cute. Ow, ow stop hitting me!”
I spent the next hour and a half introducing myself to people. I collected almost all the charms, I only needed the last one. But now I was distracted. The last head seemed familiar, I felt like I saw him somewhere, but couldn't remember where.
His name was Roswald. He wore sunglasses and had dirty blond hair and beard while his mustache was black. Apparently, he was the father of Snotty The Whiny Brat.
How can he be familiar when I have never left the house? I thought, but still, that feeling wouldn't go away. Maybe he visited my parents one time and I saw him passing? No, I would have remembered if I saw someone new in the house.
Determined to win the game, I pushed aside the weird sentiment and continued hunting. Finally, I found who I was searching for. He was an overweight man with an overbite. He was blond, but the top of the head was bald.
“Good evening, Gungheimr Sei, thank you for coming to my birthday party. I'm Camilla Felicia Patricia Ambrosia Regulus. I was wondering if you have something for me?” I said smiling, already feeling like I won.
But what he said froze my smile. All the clues and hints I've been steadily ignoring for the past years came at the forefront and made my mind go blank.
“Hello, dear, nice to meet you. I am Gungheimr, head of the Donquixote family. And yes, I do have a charm for you,” he said while giving it to me.