Chapter Text
When Illyana was taken, two thoughts spoke in her mind. The first thought was: is this really happening? The second was: what exactly is happening?
Every time she thought back to that day, to that precise moment, Illyana was taken by anger. While she had a special unlimited source of hatred towards the man who had taken her, this anger was the result of shame in herself. Somehow, when this memory crossed her mind, it didn’t matter to her how strong she had become now, how she succeeded and finally escaped. All that mattered was that she froze. Her natural reaction to fear and danger was to seize like a rabbit hoping the wolf’s eyes would just glaze on over past her. She let herself be taken.
“You were a child,” Professor Xavier told her, “You were seven when you disappeared from the campus. Even if you had another defensive reaction, to run or to fight, you may not have succeeded. Fly, fight, freeze- they’re all reactions our body chooses for us.”
Illyana’s ice cold eyes flashed at the man playing therapist insulted by his truth as she reclined carelessly in the chair before his desk.
“Illyana, what happened to you wasn’t your fault. You didn’t let it happen. The only reason why it happened was because a very bad man made it happen. All by himself. That’s it. That’s the only reason.”
“I don’t want a therapy session, Professor,” Illyana said thickly, “I just want to go home.”
Xavier’s lips thinned at her words. Illyana knew why. Home? What she wanted was for things to be like how they were before she was taken. It wasn’t possible, of course. Illyana wasn’t a true master of her mutation just yet, but she figured this was an accomplishment all in itself. She had wanted to come home the exact moment she had been taken, but her focus wasn’t as sharp as she had wanted, and arrived three days after her abduction. It was better than nothing. Better than coming home eleven years later, like how much time had actually passed. Illyana couldn’t just kick off her shoes and slip into her child-sized bed at eight at night back in rural Russia, having Piotr tuck her in and pinch her nose between his index finger and thumb. All she had had between this meeting and her arrival back to earth was just a shower, and ended up clothed in Piotr’s gym sweats.
“Illyana, what you went through requires attention,” Xavier said.
“No, it doesn’t,” Illyana retorted. “I’ll be fine. I’m home now. Everything will be fine now.”
What Xavier said next slipped passed Illyana’s guard, piercing her critically, like a blade finding a weak spot in a body of armor.
“Is that what you repeated to yourself all those years while you were down there, Illyana?” Xavier’s eyes seemed to match her chilled aura. “Every time when things became too terrifying, when you were afraid you were going to give up, you said: I’ll be fine. I just have to find a way to go home and everything will be fine.”
Illyana abruptly stood up in her chair, the legs grunting against the hardwood floor. She balled her fists at her sides and her eyes brimmed with tears.
“How could you?” She could barely whisper. “Did you read my mind? I told you I didn’t give you permission to do that!”
She had begun her outburst in a barely audiable hiss, but ended loudly, causing Piotr to rustle on the other side of the closed door, waiting for her outside of Xavier’s office.
“Ilya?” he asked with worry, his words muffled by the barrier.
“I did not read your mind,” Xavier sighed, withdrawing the strong energy he had confronted her with. He was surrendering. “I just know a lot about helping people, Illyana. I know it is probably hard for you to trust people, especially since you have only been back on this plane for almost two hours, but take my word for it when I say I only want to help.”
“You can help by letting me go back to my family,” Illyana said, “I can take care of myself, I’ve done well so far, why would I need anyone else?”
“Yes, stay close to Piotr, I believe that will be good for you, too,” Xavier agreed. “But Illyana, I do have one request of you.”
Illyana said nothing, so the professor continued, “If you wish to keep your feelings to yourself for now, that’s fine, but I need to know- for everyone’s safety, what this man is capable of. In the event that he comes back for you, I need to know how to defend everyone from him, and how to stop him."
In the event that he comes back for you… the words echoed in Illyana’s body, the fragment of the little girl who created the woman she was today holding onto anything inside to keep the fear from shaking into her legs. How true those words were. Just how much time did she have left?
“I can tell you everything I know,” Illyana agreed neutrally, “But please, let me rest. Let me go home. Just one night.”
“How would you feel about a meeting first thing tomorrow morning? Eight o’clock, after breakfast is served in the dining hall? Piotr can also come with you.”
Illyana nodded and yanked the door open, revealing the face of her worried brother, and behind him, Kitty Pryde.
Illyana was overpowered by a vicious blush, not expecting to see her brother’s girlfriend waiting with him. She wasn’t there when Piotr dropped her off. Before her abduction, Illyana had only seen Kitty once: a special dinner Xavier had hosted after the victory of some mission Illyana was too young to understand. But at the end of the night, Kitty had leaned up on her tiptoes, her hands grazing up Piotr’s chest, and gave him a long kiss at the door. She thought about the kiss a lot as she grew up in Limbo.
Being raised amongst all the wickedness of that dimension, Illyana made conscious decisions to remember humanity, and the most powerful memory was that of love. She made herself recall the feeling of being hugged by her parents, no matter how much their faces started to disappear. She made herself focus on the joy she felt at receiving gifts of chocolates and soft teddy bears from Piotr, and how it felt to gift him something in return, even if it was a poorly made ceramic she worked hard on in school. And she meditated on the type of love she knew she didn’t understand yet: Kitty pulling Piotr aside to the shadow of the patio, thinking no one would see.
She wondered what a kiss felt like as she matured, and to her own horror, her dreams answered the question for her, replaying the memory of the kiss but replacing Piotr for herself, feeling Kitty run her hands up her chest and put her lips against hers.
“How was it? I heard you shout,” Piotr said, putting his hands on her shoulders, lowering himself so he could look deep into his sister’s eyes.
“Piotr, can I talk to you for a second?” Asked the voice of Charles Xavier.
“I’ll be right back, Ilya,” Piotr reassured, and stepped into the office, leaving Illyana and Kitty alone.
Kitty reached a hand out quick, determined to thwart off any awkward silence.
“Hi, I’m Kitty, I’m not sure if you remember me,” she greeted. Illyana took the hand softly, choosing to be overly delicate over crushing.
“I do remember you,” Illyana said. In fact, Illyana wanted to add, it was you Piotr went to get when he left me in the park for those two minutes.
“Ah, well… uh, so, Piotr wasn’t too sure about what to do for lodging, and um, since you’re too big to stay in his room, we were thinking you could stay with me until we get something all to yourself. I know Piotr used to take the couch and let you sleep in the bed, but-”
“I can’t stay with him?”
“Well, we’re thinking long-term now, Illyana,” Kitty explained, holding her hands together. “You stayed in his room because you were visiting. But you’re a woman now! So you’ll need your own space and privacy, and by the sound of it, you may be staying here longer than a vacation.”
“By the sounds of it?” Illyana pressed. She could see in Kitty’s brown eyes that her tone of aggression had been detected, but the other young woman continued.
“Piotr wants you to undergo in-patient trauma therapy with the professor,” Kitty said, “After what he told me you’ve been through, I think he’s right.”
“Well shouldn’t that be my decision?” Illyana asked, gritting her teeth. Somehow, Illyana was offended that Piotr told Kitty everything she had blurted out to him the second she arrived back home, tumbling out of her teleportation disc, blood dripping off her and ash all over her clothes and smudged on her face, peppered in her hair like snowflakes. And if he told Kitty, he was probably telling Xavier even more than she had bothered to share to get the professor off her back.
Kitty made a face that suggested that she probably agreed, but she still shrugged her shoulders, “He’s your guardian while you’re here.”
“But I’m grown now,” Illyana said. “I’m eighteen, your government allows me to act as an independent adult now.”
“Well you weren’t an adult three days ago,” Kitty said quickly. “According to the State of New York, Illyana Rasputin is still a minor. A missing one at that. We are going to figure out what we can do for your unique situation. While you are here receiving your therapy, Piotr and I are going to figure out what we can do for you legally, to change your statuses and such.”
Illyana shook her head, fed up. “So, I’m to stay with you? Do you have a couch? Or will I be on the floor?”
“I actually have a second bed,” Kitty said. “I have one of the few rooms in the mansion that have the traditional college roommate setup. I’ve already sent for fresh linens for your bed, so you don’t have to worry about that.”
Illyana pursed her lips. The thing was, she wasn’t trying to come off as ungrateful, she was just tired. She had yearned to be home for so long that no one was letting her just collapse. She ran the race and made it to the finish line, but instead of letting her fall to her knees and catch her breath, everyone was keeping her on her feet, yanking her this way and that.
Piotr now made his way back, placing a hand on her back. Illyana looked up at him with her tired eyes, and as he meet her gaze, he saw the annoyance behind them.
“Let us take you to your room, Ilya,” he said, “Kitty is going to let you stay with her. Is this not that kind?”
“It is,” Illyana muttered. “I am grateful.”
Later that night, after an awkward dinner in the dining hall, with everyone watching her, Illyana took a long hot shower in the bathroom she shared with Kitty. As she stepped out of the steaming room, towel wrapped around her body and her arms wrapped even tighter around herself, she simply stared Kitty down.
The other woman was sitting on her own bed, and closed her eyes, hanging her head down.
“There’s some pajamas I left out for you on the bed, and underwear too,” Kitty said, still keeping herself blind for the sake of Illyana’s privacy.
Illyana crossed the room to her bed and looked down at the sleep set. The top and trousers were black cotton, decorated with little golden suns and moons. The underwear was thankfully standard black.
“I’m sorry if they don’t fit too well,” Kitty continued, “Based off of just looking at you, I’d say we’re close to the same size. But even so, you’ll only have to deal with it for only a few hours. I want to take you shopping tomorrow, if you’d like that.”
Illyana put the clothes on quickly, not wanting to be naked too long in front of Kitty. When finished, she sat on her bed, the bed frame creaking slightly under her weight.
“Is it safe to open my eyes?” Kitty asked.
Illyana murmured an affirmative sound, and Kitty lifted her head, her soft brown eyes meeting Illyana’s artic shine. Kitty smiled as her eyes submitted to Illyana’s aggression, lowering her vision to inspect how the pajamas looked.
“They seem to fit you just fine,” she said. “So, about tomorrow. I hear you have an appointment tomorrow with the professor, at eight. Don’t worry, he never holds anyone past an hour, unless they request it. You’ll be out by nine on the dot. After that, we’ll hit the road. Hopefully we’ll have a decent wardrobe for you by the time lunch comes around. After that, the day is yours once we come back home.”
“What are you going to do?” Illyana asked before she could stop herself. She really didn’t want to start bonding with anyone just yet, but she found herself eager to hear the woman’s voice. It was so soothing, and Illyana realized it was the only female voice she had heard these past eleven years that wasn’t hers. Demons and malicious spirits didn’t count.
Kitty smiled again, continuing with that pleasurable voice, speaking softly just for Illyana’s comfort. “I’m probably going to hit the track. When we’re not working a mission, it’s good for us to stay in shape. Contrary to what this body may tell you, but I’m not a natural with cardio. I’ve gotta stay on that or I become glued to the couch.”
She said this with such a wide grin, with such charm, that Illyana knew it was just an icebreaking joke. However, outwardly, Illyana didn’t react. She felt the mood lighten in her heart, felt somewhat safer under Kitty’s supervision through humor, but didn’t laugh.
Kitty wasn’t affected however, and continued, “If you want, you can join me. I’ll go real slow.”
Illyana’s brows knitted in confusion. “Are you assuming I can’t run?”
Kitty shrugged in an exaggerated manner.
“I can run,” Illyana stated boldly.
“I mean, we’ll see.”
Illyana blinked.
“Anyway, they say running is therapeutic. Depends on the person if you ask me. But they say feel-good hormones or something are released when you exercise. It might be good for you.”
“I wish everyone would stop trying to fix me,” Illyana said. Kitty’s eyebrows shot up at the choice of words. “I know what I went through was horrible. I lived it, I understand, and everyone’s acting like I don’t. The professor, Piotr, and everyone who approached us at dinner, pretending that they wanted to offer condolences when really they just wanted to stare up close. You. None of you know exactly what I went through, the things I had to see that no one would ever fathom to be real.”
Kitty sat up straighter on her bed, her face going from relaxed to serious. “I know you know, and I’m sorry if I’m invalidating you and your feelings. I didn’t notice. I guess I just don’t know how to help you.” Kitty looked down at the carpeted ground, her brows knitting hard in thought. “But I want to. I really do.”
“Well if you want to,” Illyana began, an eyebrow arched in irritation, pulling the blankets of her bed undone, “How about you wait until I ask for it?”
Kitty was silent for a second, watching Illyana untuck her bed and slip underneath the sheets. The woman then got up from her own bed and tugged her blankets, following Illyana’s example.
It only took a few moments for Illyana to feel awkward about her sharp words, but she wouldn’t apologize for them. She knew she had a point.
“Okay,” Kitty then said, startling Illyana. “I’m sorry. I won’t force my advice on you, or try to manage your recovery. I know you must heal on your own, you’re right. The thing is, Illyana, is that when someone is hurting, it’s natural to want to help. I guess we are just afraid that you are going to keep hurting if we don’t intervene. I know we don’t have anything between us, Illyana, but I need you to promise me something.”
Illyana looked over to Kitty from the safety of her fluffy blanket shield. Kitty’s mouth was pulled tight in a frown but her brown eyes were still gentle in their gaze.
“What?” Illyana asked in a whisper.
“Just promise me that you’re going to take care of yourself, and if you do need me one day, don’t be stubborn. Come to me. I’ll be your confidant if you want. I won’t tell anyone anything, not even Piotr. I promise.”
“Strange how you asked me to make you a promise, yet here you are making one of your own,” Illyana smirked. Despite her making the comment, Illyana was touched at the offer.
“I believe in mutual benefit,” Kitty chuckled faintly. “A promise for a promise. Sound like a deal?”
Illyana felt a smile possess her lips, and as her teeth tried to bit them, she felt her chest lighten and warm.
“Sure,” Illyana agreed quietly, noticing that Kitty was watching her bite her lip with a quaint smile of her own. “I promise.”
“Thank you,” Kitty said then, her eyes returning to meet Illyana’s from across the room. “Ready for lights out?”
Illyana nodded, and Kitty reached for the light switch on her side of the wall, and brought the room to darkness with a flick of her finger. As she tried to nestle herself in her blankets, all Illyana could think of was how she selfishly dragged everyone into this. She would be responsible for everyone in this grand house when Belasco came back. Their blood would be on her hands in a matter of days. If only she had finished the job back in Limbo. She had tried, but it was just too hard. There were too many of them on his side, and not enough on hers. The look on Belasco’s face when she had hacked away against him, blazing blue flame engulfing her celestial weapon… that face full of disgust, contempt, and revenge was enough to take her off guard.
She should have stayed. But in that moment, as he towered over her with wrath, she…
As a child, Illyana Rasputin froze.
As a woman, Illyana Rasputin ran.
The shame came back, rushing through her like cold water being spilled down her back.
When would Illyana Rasputin fight?