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“Master,” Obi Wan said, using Qui Gon's voice, “how long has it been since you visited the fresher?” He sniffed derisively at the armpit he was currently wearing. “It feels – and smells - like you've been encased in a tauntaun carcass.”
“I always wanted to do this,” Qui Gon said from Obi Wan's body. He pensively twisted Obi Wan's beard, which he was currently wearing, in tight individual locs. “Mine never make it through the night.”
“Stop that!” Obi Wan yelled, and used his master's bear sized paw to slap his own hand away from his face. “It takes me ages to condition it properly, Master. I might not be able to get it untangled. I might have to shave.”
Qui Gon smiled using his former padawan's mouth. “You know, Obi Wan, vanity is also an attachment. Perhaps you should release this need for grooming into the force.”
Obi Wan pursed his master's lips and swung around theatrically toward the door.
“Then perhaps, Master, I should go and wash my hair.”
“Obi Wan, you cannot be serious. You will disrupt the ecosystem! Over bathing destroys the bacterial sheath that supports my immune response – it's a – a – a scam, perpetrated by the soap manufacturers of the Trade Federation and the saponin miners of the Bronner system. This – this is an outrage - “
Obi Wan, trapped in a body that smelled like bantha and felt like the floor of a Twi'lek strip club, smiled.
“Surely,” Obi Wan continued ominously over the sputtering of his former master, “this body swap was the will of the Force.” He suppressed a grin, which was much more difficult in Qui Gon's body than his own. “I can feel the living force flow through me. I feel the pull to...the clean side.”
Qui Gon flared Obi Wan's nostrils and reached for the nearest movable object.
“Don't try it,” Obi Wan warned him. “It's only you who'll be hurt in the long run.”
“Yes, but I think it will feel very satisfying in the short term,” his master rumbled back, and launched a heavy Alderaaninan pottery mug overhand.
It truly was the will of the force that Anakin chose that moment to barge into his former master's quarters.
Obi Wan threw Qui Gon's body flat onto the area rug in front of the door, so that the mug actually hit Anakin hard on his mechanical arm. The appendage cracked and sparked as the impact broke open the cover and let the cold caf inside fry the circuitry.
Anakin let out an incoherent warble and clutched at the now useless arm.
“Are you two fighting again?” he asked. “Don't answer that, I've got something much more important to ask you. Something's gone really, really wrong with Ahsoka.”
Both of the older men creased their brows, Obi Wan from the vicinity of the area rug.
“How so?” Qui Gon asked, all concern for his own bacterial sheath vanished.
“I don't know.” Anakin reached up to his shoulder and ripped the now useless servos from their sockets. The arm clattered to the ground where he dropped it, dripping hydraulic fluid everywhere.
“Anakin, if you must remove your arm right this minute, could you perhaps find a place for it that does not stain my favourite area rug with hydraulic fluid? It's quite difficult to remove, as I remember.” Obi Wan hauled Qui Gon's body upright.
The younger jedi's jaw unhinged.
“What the krif is going on?” Anakin demanded. “First Ahsoka, and now you Master Qui Gon. Did everyone drink leptar juice and I missed it?”
“I somehow doubt that,” Obi Wan sighed.
In Obi Wan's body, Qui Gon grinned. It made some of Obi's facial muscles hurt.
“Now, tell us what's wrong with Ahsoka.”
Anakin dropped onto the couch, leaving his arm to stain the area rug.
“Ever since she got back from that mission you and Master Windu “borrowed” her for, it's like she's a completely different person,” he complained.
Obi Wan and Qui Gon exchanged side eye.
“Oh really?” Obi Wan feigned confusion.
Qui Gon rolled Obi Wan's eyes. “Surely that's a bit of an exaggeration my young friend.”
“No, it's not,” Anakin protested. “This morning she walked out of the fresher with a towel wrapped around her waist and NOTHING ELSE! And she asked me what I was staring at! Not that I was even, you know, staring or anything. Totally not.” Anakin waved his remaining arm in denial. “I was shocked! Shocked! I mean I was so upset I accidentally poured my caf into my lap instead of the cup and while I was calmly trying to keep it from burning my di- my legs, she just stood there, laughing at me!” Anakin shook his head, wide eyed and unnerved.
“We're going to have to tell him,” Obi Wan said, ignoring the fact that Anakin had never in his life done something calmly, especially when his dick was involved.
On the other side of the temple, Ahsoka looked down at the lower half of Master Windu's body and tried to breathe deeply.
“Ok, this is really happening. This ... is an actual thing. This is ... “
She ran her hand over Windu's head and scowled.
“This is my one chance to find out what it's like to have hair. Why did he have to be bald?” she complained to no one in particular, and shut off the fresher. Windu's body needed to pee again, and that was what had put her in the fresher in the first place.
For a moment, Ahsoka considered just peeing in the fresher and letting the water take care of any accuracy issues.
Then she moved over to the evacuation unit, and once again wondered how such an inefficient and poorly designed body managed to evolve to take over most of the galaxy. She lifted the lid, and the seat, of the evac unit and tried to relax and let Windu's body use its muscle memory to complete the function.
A stream of urine flowed upwards in a narrow arc and splashed down in the centre of the evac unit's water filled bowl.
“For force's sake,” Ahsoka cursed, and moved the offending appendage so she could survey the ground, and Mace's feet, for any possible contamination. They were dry; inexplicably, most of the splash had landed back in the evac unit's bowl. “Well that worked out this time.”
The root cause of the oddly graceful urination was unchanged. Ahsoka stared down at it, with its salt and pepper pubic hair, and willed the damn thing to go back to a reasonable size.
“It is a reasonable size, young padawan,” Mace said from the door in her own voice.
Ahsoka was too tired and confused to argue. She sat Mace's body down on the couch, ignoring the fact that it was naked and soaking wet, and face palmed.
Mace walked Ahsoka's body inside his own house, and over to the fresher, where he pulled out a towel for her.
“I'm going to need a new couch,” he said, as Ahsoka wrapped his body up. “You don't need to wrap it under your arms, just around the waist,” he instructed.
Ahsoka's head snapped up.
“But you wrapped it under my arms, right?” she asked. A horrible feeling stole over her, like the time Anakin had playfully tugged one of her montrals and couldn't understand why Shaak Ti gave him such shit over it.
“What?” Ahsoka's face took on Mace's confusion. One eyebrow lifted as understanding dawned. “Oh, of course. Of course.”
Ahsoka returned Windu's face to his palm.
“And I'm guessing you used soap on my horns,” she said grimly, pointing to her montrals.
“Do they always peel like that after a trip to the fresher?” Mace asked, and moved into the kitchen to make himself some decent caf. “Also, I knew Anakin ate bugs but I had no idea he drank shit too.”
“They are self cleaning,” Ahsoka hissed, feeling suddenly and unusually angry. “And your first mistake was letting Master make the caf. He brews it like its mud.”
“Well I like it a little more fluid. I don't even know how he managed to spill it all over himself this morning.”
“I'm pretty sure I know why,” Ahsoka replied, her vision reddening.
“Oh thank force, you're both here!” Obi Wan boomed, and was surprised at just how loud Qui Gon could actually get. Behind him Qui Gon, wearing Kenobi's body, and a one armed Anakin ducked into Windu's quarters and shut the door.
“I'm gonna do it, “ Ahsoka mumbled. The anger was overwhelming. “I'm gonna do it - “
Anakin frowned, as he suddenly realised what this padawan meant.
“None of us need to see that,” he said, and hastily nipped in to keep the towel shut. Ahsoka threw open the towel as she stood Mace's body up anyway, and it threw Anakin back into the other two Jedi, all three of whom crashed down on the floor as Ahsoka stood naked Mace Windu's body up in a victory pose.
“That's going to hurt later,” Windu sighed from the kitchen, where he had poured five cups of fresh and very liquid caf. “I'm not as young as I used to be.” He gestured to the three recumbent jedi. “And neither are you. Quit rolling around on my floor.”
“Oh with pleasure,” Obi Wan replied. “Do you ever clean in here?”
“I doubt he wants to disturb the ecosystem,” Qui Gon muttered.
“Just let me up!” Anakin struggled to his feet and threw the towel at his padawan. “Come on Ahsoka, this day is bad enough without Master Windu's manscaping.”
“Or lack thereof,” Obi Wan muttered sharply.
“It's the way of the living force!” Qui Gon roared and pulled himself upright. He did so by grabbing Anakin and inadvertently knocking him down.
“Everyone stop,” Windu said, and although he said it with Ahsoka's voice, there could be no doubt that it was a Jedi Master, and Council Member speaking. “I can see that Ahsoka and I are not the only ones affected by this.” He set the caf down on the inexplicably undestroyed caf table and settled down on a dry patch of sofa. He drew Ahsoka's legs up beneath him and shook his head. “This has all been so random.”
“No shit, sithlord,” Anakin snarled, and hauled himself up onto his hind legs. “What the actual force did you idiots do to my padawan?”
“It was when we all touched that stupid Sith Holocron,” Ahsoka groaned. “That was when this all started. My horns were buzzing the whole time.”
Obi Wan had given up and was squatting on Mace's living room rug. It was very plush and comfortable. Qui Gon dropped his body next to him and Anakin simply stood with his arms folded and his legs spread behind them.
“Not to worry padawan,” Mace told her, “I've sent someone I trust to retrieve it, and I'm confident that if we all touch it again, we'll wake up in our proper bodies.”
“I think we should load our bases, so to speak,” Obi Wan volunteered. “Each mismatched pair should take a turn by themselves.”
“Mmm,” Mace said, in Ahsoka's voice. The young padawan had tipped his head back and was having a nap. “I can tell she didn't give me any caf this morning.”
“I see your addiction has progressed,” Obi Wan mused snarkily.
“I am not used to Snarky Qui Gon,” Windu sighed and sipped caf.
“Actually, I completely agree with Obi Wan,” said Qui Gon, immitating his former padawan's intonation.
“I do not like either of these new and improved Jedi Masters,” Windu growled.
“I don't like seeing nice warm caf go to waste,” Obi Wan mugged and took one of the cups in Qui Gon's giant hands. It had a delicious aroma and Obi Wan would have enjoyed it immensely despite Qui Gon's untutored palate had there not been a knock on Mace's door at that moment.
Mace's body jerked suddenly awake at the noise and in surprise Ahsoka flung his body upright and off the couch, towel slipping uncontrollably to the floor.
Master Yoda did not wait to enter the quarters after knocking, and was greeted by a very direct line of sight to a naked Mace Windu. Behind him, an astonished Quinlan Vos nearly dropped the biohazard containment unit he was holding.
“Uh, Master Windu?” Vos started, but was startled again when Ahsoka answered.
“Listen Vos, let's just get this over with and then I'll explain what happened,” snapped Mace, with Ahsoka's mouth. “Padawan please, this is the most action I've gotten since that incident on Dantooine with the leptar juice. Put a damn towel over my junk!”
Ahsoka looked down, took the towel Anakin handed her, and sunk back into the couch in defeat, wearing an entirely appropriate Mace Windu expression of exhausted scorn. Vos took a step forward, misjudged the distance to the jedi on the floor and managed to knock Obi Wan's caf right out of his hand.
“Great, now I need a new rug as well,” Mace groused.
“It was a very nice rug,” Obi Wan agreed ruefully. “I also need to replace mine since it's covered in hydraulic fluid. Perhaps we could go shopping together, Mace.”
“On topic we must stay,” Master Yoda said finally. He had been as still as a statue post manscaping exposure. “This terrible accident right we must put. Much hardship to us all this has meant.” He gestured to Vos, who was apologizing to either Obi Wan or Qui Gon, depending on how much you knew about what was wrong. Vos set the case on the caf table next to the mugs.
“Have you got anything stronger?” he asked hopefully. “You know, that might steady my nerves?”
Obi Wan snapped. “To the force with your nerves, Quinlan, I'm trapped in Qui Gon's body!”
“Yes, and you keep getting it dirty,” his former master complained.
“How can you possibly tell, Master?” grimaced Obi Wan.
“Shut the force up!” Anakin turned to Yoda. “Open the sithdamned box and let's get everything back to normal.”
Ahsoka, who was feeling a need to pee again, nodded in agreement. “Please Master Yoda, I've been stuck...here...all day.”
“Yeah?” Mace was indignant. “Well I'm going through kriffing puberty again.” He pointed to the leather strap Ahsoka's body was wearing as a shirt. “And this thing is just not practical. Remind me to speak to your Master about that.” He glared at Anakin.
“Time for this there will be later,” Yoda said, and rapped his gimmer stick on the floor. The box opened itself and the Sith Holocron emerged, supported on a repulsar cushion, appearing to float in the air. “First the padawan and the council member.”
Ahsoka heaved Windu's body up off the couch and stood ready, while Mace gracefully pirouetted over and hovered delicately over the artifact.
“I'm going to miss being this light on my feet,” he admitted.
“There is nothing about this I will miss.” Ahsoka rolled her eyes. “You don't even have hair.”
“Not on my head,” Windu smirked.
“Touch the artifact you will, now, or forever will you remain in these bodies, hmmm?” Yoda poked his stick in their direction. “Now, yes?”
They did as he said, and suddenly, Ahsoka felt herself come alive. She was back in her own body. It took a minute but then she reached up and gently scratched her montrals.
“These are gonna itch forever,” she complained, with her own mouth.
Mace Windu secured the towel and made his way to the fresher. How long had the padawan been holding his pee? He leaned back out the door for a moment. “I might be a while. There's been some kind of backlog...”
Master Yoda rolled his eyes and the fresher door shut firmly of its own accord. “Now the master and the apprentice. Always the two there are,” he chuckled, and watched as a caf-covered Qui Gon and a suitably rumpled Obi Wan each relaxed into their own bodies.
It was a quiet interlude, broken by Anakin suddenly whooping in victory. Quinlan, on his left, startled and tripped over Yoda, who seemed unperturbed by the turn of events, until Vos' uncoordinated surprise knocked the caf table and sent the Sith Holocron spinning. There was a collective gasp and then, more silence, this time horrified, as both Quinlan Vos and Yoda reached for the artifact at the same time.
“NO!” yelled Obi Wan. “Anakin, do something!”
“I think it's a little late for that, Master,” replied Anakin.
On the ground Yoda and Vos stared at each other then both began to giggle wildly. To everyone's surprise, Yoda used Quinlan's body to grab his own body in both hands and run. Out the door of Mace Windu's quarters and off into the temple that Yoda had 800 years of experience exploring. While carrying a jedi high on the list of galaxy's most random and least obedient beings. Who now had access to the body of the Master of the Jedi Order.
“Don't just stand there!” Obi Wan shouted and flung out his sleeve dramatically. “After them or we may never see either alive again! And be careful putting that artifact away - “
“Too late, Master,” said Anakin from Ahsoka's mouth. “By the force Ahsoka, what did Windu do to your montrals?”
Obi Wan looked over at Qui Gon.
“Sometimes I think the force just likes to fuck with me, Master.”
“To be honest, Obi Wan, after today I would be forced to agree.”
The End.