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*
Sirius Black is celebrating his eleventh birthday when his letter arrives. It is all he has ever dreamed of, and the words “you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry” typed in green ink are repeated in the back of his mind for quite some time after receiving the letter.
Instead of rejoicing the matter like he thought they would, Sirius is 11 when he understands his mother and father only care about the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black’s reputation, not him. This was truly brought to light by his mother’s sharp words.
“You better not ruin the image of our family as the newest member of the honorable house of Slytherin, do you understand me?”
Sirius Black is 11 when he nods his head in response and watches his family continue their breakfast like nothing important ever happened.
*
Sirius Black is 11 when the Black’s family owl descends upon the Gryffindor table with a letter addressed to him. It's not a howler, his mother is far too sophisticated for that, but it might as well be. He is only 11 when he slouches ever so slightly as the words “disgrace,” “disappointment,” and “dishonor” wash over him.
Sirius is 11 when he finds out what his mother truly thinks of him. After all, the letter did not mince any words and “ashamed to call you my son” rings in his head for weeks. He is 11 when he crumples up the letter and storms away from the Great Hall, unaware of the three concerned faces that watch him leave.
*
Sirius is 15 and he is oozing blood on the Potter’s expensive furniture. Any second now, Mrs. Potter will turn on him and scream about the ruined couch and blood-splattered carpets. When she comes near him and raises her arms he flinches away, ignoring the screaming pain his body makes when he moves.
She smiles gently and Sirius frowns. Is she excited to hurt him? If so, Sirius just hopes Mrs. Potter won’t drag it out any longer than necessary. Instead of grabbing her wand and hurting Sirius like expected, she puts her arms around him and hugs him. Sirius is 15 and tenses up before realizing that this is what normal families do. He closes his eyes in his arms and allows himself to relax in the arms of someone who cared.
He is 15 when a single tear falls down his face as recent events begin to catch up to him.
Mrs. Potter just rubs his back and whispers to him, “It’s all going to be alright Sirius. You’re home now.”
Sirius Potter née Black is 15 when he finally understands that family is not made with blood but rather with those who care about you.
*
Sirius Black is 19 when his mother sends him one final letter. This time he breaks down and begins to sob when he finds out his little brother, Regulus, was six feet under. Sirius is only 19 when Remus finds him in the living room, still clutching the letter as if it were his lifeline.
He is only 19 when he fumes as he finds out that his mother didn’t even have the decency to invite him to the funeral. His funeral had been the day before, according to his gloating mother. Her letter stated just how “pleased” and “happy” Regulus would have been to find out he had not been there. Sirius is 19 when he realizes his brother died because of Voldemort’s “cause.”
Sirius is 19 and young, clutching Remus’ hand for dear life as he stands before his brother one last time.
He crouches down and whispers as if Regulus could hear him. “It should be me in the grave. You were always meant to live.”
His body shakes with silent sobs as he walks away, unable to handle anymore of this thing he now knows as grief.
*
Sirius Black is 19 and a few weeks after he visits his brother’s grave he comes home to a letter on the kitchen table.
“Remus? Did anyone come in?” No one answered.
Sirius is only 19 when he frowns and searches for Remus. He isn’t there. Getting worried, he makes his way back to the letter. Perhaps someone took him and left a ransom note behind? It wouldn't've been the first time one of them has been kidnapped. It is the first time someone has left a note behind though.
Sirius is 19 when he opens the letter and his heart freezes. This was no kidnapping. The letter is written in very familiar handwriting.
Dear Sirius,
I’m so sorry. This isn’t the way I wanted this to end. In fact, I never wanted this to end. But the truth is, we should’ve never fallen in love with each other. One of us always leaves, and the other is always left staring at the open door, wondering if they’ll ever come back. This isn’t fair, to either of us. I can’t keep holding my breath everytime you go, especially in a time like this. It would be better for both of us if we forgot this ever happened.
̶L̶o̶v̶e̶,̶
Remus
There are tears staining the letter and once Sirius has finished reading it, he litters the floor with tears as well. This hurts much more than his brother’s death ever did.
Sirius is only 19 when he finds out you can’t always rely on those you trust forever. They too will leave you. Eventually.
*
Sirius Black is 20 when Lily sends him a howler one hot summer’s morning. It’s almost been a year since Remus left. It’s still hard, but he’s learning to cope. He’s 20 when he grins for what feels like the first time in ages.
James’ voice can be heard in the background shouting, “Get here as soon as you can mate! The proof of me banging Lily Evans has been born!”
Lily just laughs and tells Sirius to “come quickly” because his husband is freaking out and upsetting his godson.
Sirius is a young 20 year old when he holds a baby Harry James Potter in his arms, afraid to drop his godson. He is 20 years old when he finds the light that will keep him going in this horrible time of war. Sirius silently vows to himself as he watches James and Lily coo over their child that he will do anything to keep them safe.
*
Sirius Black is 21 when his best friend sends him 3 words: “he found us.” He is only 21 when he rushes as fast as humanly possible, hoping beyond hope that he won’t lose another brother tonight.
Sirius Black is only 21 when he finds the door wide open and his foot hits his brother's body. He is only 21 when he pushes back the bile threatening to come up to his throat, his dread rising only to find an unmoving Lily in front of a crying baby. He’s just 21 when he begins to sob as his family’s murder begins to set in and the rising need for vengeance aches inside him. He is only 21 when he has to close his family’s eyes for the last time, when he has to let Hagrid take his godson, his only link to James and Lily away from him because of “Dumbledore’s orders.” He doesn’t try to fight, knowing the battle has already been lost.
Sirius Black is only 21 when he sits at his dead brother’s table to write a letter to the only man he has ever truly loved. He is only 21 when his deep desire for revenge comes rushing in. He leaves Godric’s Hollow in order to find their traitorous friend who sold them out to the man he has sworn to fight till his last breath. He is just 21 when Peter fakes his own death and leaves Sirius to take the blame for everything. It doesn’t help his case that his name is Black.
Sirius is only 3 days away from being 22 when he is carted off to Azkaban without the privilege of a fair trial, even though he knows Dumbledore could prove his innocence. He is almost 22 when he is sent away for the next 12 years of his life without being able to say goodbye to those he loves most.
*
Remus Lupin is 21 when he comes home to find the Potter’s owl waiting for him. He grins, knowing the letter will be what escapade Harry did on Halloween. He is only 21 when he falls to the floor instead, unable to get past the line “James and Lily are dead,” unable to even breathe when he realizes the man he loves is going after their friend, the man who sold out his family to the Dark Lord.
Remus Lupin is only 21 when the Daily Prophet comes by the next morning, speaking of the “Boy Who Lived” and Sirius Black, a dangerous convict, who had been sent to Azkaban for the murder of Peter Pettigrew. Remus doesn’t speak to anyone on November 3 and the days following, too busy hating the man he loved for leaving him like everyone else in his miserable life.
He is only 21.
*