Dependent, A Divergent Rewrite

by JandroDelSol

Summary:

Inspired by SawsbuckCoffee and other author's headcanons.

My name is Crimson Glynn, and I'm not a girl. For years, I've kept all of my step-brother Ash's secrets, and he's kept mine. He's transferring to a place I know I won't succeed in, but it's okay, because I'll get to see him smile again.

Chapter 1

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A/N: I am officially aging everyone up two years. I'll be editing the chapters when I can, but if you see any references to the main characters being sixteen, I probably just missed it in editing.

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My name is Crimson Glynn, and I’m not a girl. Everyone assumes I am, and I understand why. I was born with two X chromosomes, and thus given a feminine name. While Mom doesn’t require it, there’s an unspoken expectation that I keep my red hair long so she can braid it in the mornings. Some days, it’s the only time we see each other, so I understand her desire for one guaranteed moment.

My parents don’t know that I’m a boy. I don’t intend on telling them, not yet. Here in Erudite, we’re expected to cast aside personal matters to work towards the community. We’re not as bad as Abnegation about it, since we still allow ourselves indulgences in the moments of peace, but there’s always work to be done, things to be improved. Something as “insignificant” as my gender issues would just distract them.

The only two people who know about my gender are my step-brother Ash and my therapist, Miss Dawson.

Ash was the obvious choice to tell. He’s my brother, and we keep each other’s secrets all the time. I know all the people he’s kissed (he has a serious thing for Dauntless kids who could snap his neck), all the tests he’s cheated on, all the times he’s sneaked out in the middle of the night to jog because he can’t sleep. He knows what few secrets I actually keep, so it’s natural that he holds this one.

With Miss Dawson, it took me a while to open up to her. I was initially referred for anxiety, like many other teenagers (especially members of Erudite, for understandable reasons), but over time, it became obvious that I needed to tell her about what had really been weighing me down. She was understanding, and explained that I wasn’t the only one going through gender dysphoria. She couldn’t disclose who else due to privacy concerns, and she warned me that many people wouldn’t understand.

If I choose to stay in Erudite, I’lleventually be able to fully transition. The technology isn’t here yet, since after the wars that ruined most of the world, a lot of “non-essential” technology and medical advancements were lost. However, a team is getting close to synthesizing the necessary hormones. It would be risky, as test subjects would be few and far between, but it’s hypothetically possible that I could be indistinguishable from someone born with XY chromosomes before I turn 30.

If, that is, I choose to stay in Erudite.

A choice I’ll have to make tomorrow.

To say I’ve been mulling over it for a long time would be a complete understatement.

Candor was already out a long time ago. While I can appreciate the emotional honesty I see from everyone (and wish I could have for myself), the career choices are limiting. I could study law, and that’s basically it. Accounting, I guess, but that’s an option in Erudite as well.

Abnegation’s out as well. I understand why selflessness is a desirable trait, but to the extent they’re expected to uphold? No way in hell. They blend into the background, wearing nothing but grey and owning nothing. While I don’t have much ambition, the idea of spending all my time working with the factionless and living a quiet life just bored me. Plus, given the recent reports of abuse… yeah, absolutely not.

Dauntless is the other end of that spectrum. They’re wild and loud, and every moment seems to be a blast, but from everything I’ve heard, their training is brutal. Of course, no one’s supposed to talk about a faction’s Initiation ritual, but I’ve heard all kinds of things, from throwing knives at each other to literally facing your worst fears. People die there. Like, a lot. And young. I don’t think I could keep up with that kind of life.

Then there’s my home, Erudite. I could do a lot here. The faction’s good about having a wide variety of paths for people to study, from practical like engineering or science, to more entertaining ones, like classical music. Of course, it was expected that someone going into an entertainment field could also do math, but everyone could appreciate talent and dedication to any craft. I’ll be able to study whatever I want.

Botany’s my passion, sort of. I love looking at plants, watching them grow from seedlings to beautiful blossoms. The science behind it’s interesting, at least more than other fields. Plus, botanists often got to visit Amity and do field work, and that sounded amazing.

But then, why have the middle man? Why not just join Amity?

Amity doesn’t require skills, at least nothing you couldn’t learn while you were there. You work in the fields, harvesting and tending to crops, or you work with the animals, or fix machinery. It’s all hard work physically, sure, but there’s nothing mentally taxing. It’s simple, repetitive, and perfect. Everyone I’ve met from there is incredibly happy there, and I’ve been in love with the faction since the first field trip my class took when we were in our first year. We’d gone out to the blueberry fields to learn about how plants grow, and then we could harvest and eat as many as we liked. I had so many that I threw up, and then immediately went back for seconds. Ash still teases me every time he sees me snacking on them.

But if I leave for Amity, I won’t see my parents very much. Staying attached to your family after you transfer factions is discouraged. Faction before blood, and all. But I still love my parents, more than most people expressed in Erudite. Mom especially has managed to stay warm and loving despite all her hard work researching various medicinal compounds (lately, she’d been studying serums to help with minor vision loss), and given what my friends say about their parents, that was incredibly rare. My stepdad tried his best, but he was swamped with work, and constantly stressed out of his mind.

There was also the fact that I’m not always nice. Sure, I can be polite, and try to stay positive, but my inner monologue is a constant stream of bitching. Bitching about homework, teachers, random students around me. I’m kind to people, but I don’t always want to be.

And I have to decide where to go tomorrow.

I won’t be guideless. After lunch, we’ll be taking our Aptitude Test, and I’d hopefully have answers as to where I would be best.

My mom always told me to think with my heart, but make decisions with my brain. Honestly, neither have any idea what they want.

The class bell rings with a start, and I hadn’t realized how long I’d been zoned out. Ash wakes up in the seat next to me, his disheveled black hair covering his steely grey eyes for a moment as he stretched.

There was no way Ash is staying in Erudite. He’s smart, sure, but he doesn’t have the motivation to make it. We both know it. He’ll most likely go to Dauntless, and the thought scares me. We’ve been best friends ever since our parents moved in together when we were three, and he’s been the best brother I could have asked for. Sure, he was a dick sometimes, but we’re 16.

16 really isn’t the right age to make life altering decisions. Studies have shown that the brain isn’t fully developed until 25 or so, but it’s a tradition that had gone for well over a hundred years, so I just have to go with it.

As we walk to class, a couple of Ash’s friends come up and started talking to him, ignoring me completely. It’s fine, I don’t really like them anyway, not even enough to remember their names. They’re a couple years younger than us, and even though they were incredibly smart, they act like idiots. Erudites should know better. I don’t think Ash likes them much either, but they only ever bother him after Faction History, and he’s usually still waking up from his nap, so he doesn’t have the energy to tell them to fuck off.

"Hey, Ash, wanna join in this game we’ve been playing?” The brown-haired one (Jason? Jacob? Something like that) asks.

“Hmm?”

“Yeah, we’ve been seeing how many Abnegation students we can knock over before a teacher catches us. Jeremy thinks we can’t get past five, and we’re already at three.”

“That’s rude.” I honestly don’t mean to say it out loud, but it just slides out.

Jeremy looks at me and sneers. “What are you, some kind of Stiff Hugger? ‘That’s rude.’ God, Ash, your sister’s such a buzzkill. Why do you even let her follow you around, anyway?”

Ash doesn’t respond. It’s very likely he’d fallen asleep standing up. I can’t think of the last night he had a good night’s sleep.

“Oh, hey, there’s a good mark. Jiao Drina, that girl from English.” The one that wasn’t Jeremy points to an Asian girl, quietly walking along the edge of the hallway. clutching her books to her chest.

“Hmm? What’s going on?” Ash mutters.

“Hey, you want the honors? We’re knocking over Stiffs.”

Ash just blinks slowly.

“Ugh, fine. Jeremy, let’s go.”

Before I can say anything, they walk by and trip her over, laughing as her books spill to the floor.

Instinctively, I run to help. She scrambles to gather (and hide?) the scraps of paper, so I grab a few that had fluttered further away. I don’t mean to snoop, but as I pick one up, I notice they’re… drawings? The one I have in my hand is a building. A church? Maybe, I’m not sure what churches in Abnegation are like. It’s good too, like she’s been practicing for years.

“Damn, you’re good at this.” I comment as I hand them back.

Her eyes widen. “Please don’t tell anyone about those, miss!” She hastily grabs them back, shoving them in her folder.

“What?”

“D-drawing is self indulgent.”

I narrow my eyes. “So your faction doesn’t even allow you to do anything fun? God damn, your faction is fucked.” I shake my head and sigh. She’s probably too young to transfer. “Once you turn 16, get the hell out of there.”

“What? No, I-“

“Jiao!” A boy my age frantically runs up, out of breath by the time he arrives. “Are you okay? I heard people laughing about someone being tripped, and I-“ He looks up at me, a protective glare in his eyes that only a brother can have. “Did you do this?”

“No, Shui! She helped me.” Jiao squeaks out.

His expression seems to soften. “Uh, well, glad to know at least someone in Erudite is kind. Thank you, miss.”

“It’s no problem.” And I have to walk away, because if I get called Miss one more time, I’m going to scream.

0-0-0-0-0

The clock softly ticks in the background, just like it always does in Miss Dawson’s office. She always offers to quiet it, as it bothers some students, but it’s nice for me. Brings me back into the real world when I get trapped inside my mind.

“So, Mr. Glynn.” She’s the only person to call me that, and it always makes me so unreasonably happy. “As you’re aware, today is our last meeting. If you remain in Erudite, I have a few colleagues I can refer you too that are more experienced with the issues you face.” She looks at me expectantly.

“I’m still not sure where I’m going to end up, honestly.”

Miss Dawson smiles a little. “That’s perfectly normal, Crimson. Do you feel that the Aptitude Test will help you make your decision?”

I shrug. “I mean, I guess. If it says I should go to Amity, I will, but I don’t know if I’m nice enough for that. You know how much of a bitch I am.”

“Just because you think mean thoughts doesn’t make you a mean person. Perhaps, by joining, you could unlock an inner kindness within yourself?”

“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know. Guess I’ll figure it out tomorrow.” I give a shaky laugh. “Ash still isn’t sleeping well.”

“Didn’t you mention at our last session that he was taking a new medicine?”

“Gave him nightmares. Besides, he wouldn’t be able to take it with him when he transfers, so there’s no point.”

“Ah, yes, you’ve mentioned his likelihood to transfer. Where is he going, again?”

“Dauntless, probably. Even though he acts like a Candor smart-mouth when he’s fully awake.”

“I see. And do you feel that’s affecting your views on transferring?”

“It’s weird. Like, I know our paths are going to diverge, even though it still hasn’t really sunken in yet, so I don’t feel like I have to stay here for him, but if he goes, then should I stay to keep our parents happy?”

Miss Dawson adjusts her glasses slightly. “I can’t answer these questions for you, Crimson. They’re for you alone.”

“I know, I know. I’m not expecting an answer.” Even though I’d like someone to just make the decision for me. God, that would make things easier.

There was a moment of silence before Miss Dawson continues. “Is there anything else you’d like to discuss.”

“Uh, not really? I don’t know, the general stress of being called Miss is getting to me, but hopefully that’ll pass. You know how it is for me. Phases of being super bothered, then not caring a whole lot. Let’s see. Oh, you know those underclassmen who always hang around Ash?”

“You’ve mentioned them. Jason and Jeremy?”

“Yeah, those two.” How’d she remember their names when I can’t even do it? “Yeah, apparently they’ve been just randomly shoving Abnegation girls down.” I roll my eyes. “They tripped this one girl, and her stuff went everywhere, and I went to help, yeah? And like, he has these really detailed drawings, but when I tried to complement her, she begged me not to tell anyone.” Wow, guess I failed at that. “How fucked up is that? A kid’s not even allowed to draw.”

“Every faction has their rules.” I can tell Miss Dawson agrees with me, though. Or maybe I’m just projecting.

“I know. Still screwed up. She looked like I was about to hit her or something.” I shrug. “I just feel weird about it.” I don’t know what else to say. If I talk more about transferring, I’ll just go in circles, and Miss Dawson basically knows everything going on. “Hey, mind if I just start telling you funny stories for the rest of the hour? I don’t think I have anything else to have a productive conversation about, you know?”

“If that’s how you’d like to end off, then go for it.”

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My last class before lunch (and there for, for the rest of my life, if I didn’t continue my education with Erudite) os Ethics and Philosophy. It’s an elective, though I honestly feel like everyone should take it. Most electives tend to attract only one or two factions. Erudites like to take every class they can and broaden their horizons, so you can usually find at least one in every class. Amity members end up in art and music classes, though many take Biology courses as well. Candor often take law and history classes in order to prepare for their initiation. Abnegation kids often use their elective periods to help prepared packaged lunches for students and office workers. Dauntless members take a lot of physical ed classes, and surprisingly enough, chemistry. Though, that one’s probably because Mrs. Surrett has a tendency to let students experiment with, ahem, reactive substances.

Ethics and Philosophy, however, has a mix of students from all factions. It’s one of the rare classes that was participation based only, so assuming you show up, you passed. However, even though a lot of students take it as an easy Pass, most students end up loving it. We discuss various ethical issues, from current events to hypothetical scenarios, and getting to hear opinions from all five factions is beautiful.

Ms. Garnett is a wonderful teacher. She often asks questions to students after they give their opinions, not to make them feel stupid, but to understand why they feel that way. She herself is an Erudite (as most professors are), but openly talks about how her Candor upbringing affects her. She makes it known that no one faction has all the answers, and that for our society to function, we need to listen to one another and think critically about what we’re told.

She was one of the few people who outwardly believes that all of Erudite’s writings about Abnegation are propaganda. I’m honestly surprised they let her teach.
When I get to class, Ash is taking another nap at his desk in the inner ring. I sit in the desk next to him and lightly shake his shoulder. “Class is about to start, you know?”

He just kind of shrugs. Oh well, he usually wakes up by the time group discussions start.

“Hey, guys!” Myra says as she sits down at the desk next to me. “Our last class ever. Weird, right?” She’s nice, with a positive attitude that’s only rivalled by Amity girls. Is that where she belongs? If I was to go to Amity, it would be nice to have her with me. We aren’t close friends, exactly. We never hang out outside of class, except for the occasional group study session, but I’m sure I could be her friend if I put in the effort. But she already has a large friend group, plus she’s dating the strongest boy in Erudite, so she probably doesn’t need me.

“Yeah, it’s something.”

“Hey, Ash, you awake?” Myra asks, chewing on her pen a little. She’ll end up getting lipstick on her pen again, and end up wiping it off in a few minutes. This always happens.

Ash gives a thumbs up, then holds up four fingers. I’m not sure how he plans to be fully awake in four minutes, but whatever.

The bell rings, and a small group of Dauntless shuffle in before Ms. Garnett stands up. “Attention, class!” She’s smiling really big. “I’m happy to announce that you all have officially passed! Today is completely optional, so if you’d like to leave and think over your decisions, just be quiet as you leave.” About half of the Dauntless who came in late get up to leave. “For those who stay, we’ll be having an open discussion about Choosing Day.” Good. Maybe I can soak up some wisdom from others. “My first question for you all is ‘What would make you transfer?’”

There’s a couple moments of silence before an Amity girl pipes up. “Aptitude Test results!”

Ms. Garnett smiles. “Of course. But are there any other reasons?”

Caleb, the only Abnegation student in our class, raises his hand as he speaks. “To transfer for any other reason would be selfish.”

One of the Candor members, Peter, scoffs. “Fuck, Stiff, not everyone cares about that shit.” If he wasn’t such a dick, he’d be handsome.

“Language, sir.” Ms. Garnett says, like she’s had to a thousand times. “If you’re going to speak out, please contribute to the conversation. What would make you transfer?”

“Easy. My faction’s a bunch of stuck up losers.”

The conversation devolves into how reliable can the Aptitude Test even be. None of us know how it works, but I do understand how a simple test could feel insufficient. I’m tempted to leave, but then Myra speaks up.

“What about transferring to be with someone you love?”

I know she’s talking about Edward, and the thought of Myra Madison punching someone almost makes me laugh. But then, it hits me. I could transfer there too.

I look over at Ash, and he’s fully awake, sharp eyes following the conversation. I haven’t seen him smile in years, not truly. Sure, he laughs at the jokes our friends Will and Sebastian make, but a true smile? Not since he got braces when he was twelve, and by the time they came off, the pressure of Erudite had cracked him.

If we transfer to Dauntless together, I’ll get to see his smile again.
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A/N: Hiya! I'm back, and this time with a rewrite. I didn't like the way my old story was going, and I figured instead of editing it, I may as well rewrite it. As I've read other fanfics, I've realized that the Divergent series as a whole has incredibly lazy worldbuilding. I was invited to join a Discord server where we discuss the series and our fanfics, and lemme tell you, I've absorbed a lot from it. If you too would like to look at the series with a critical eye, our invite code is YXGZ88X. Be warned, there are spoilers for mine and other fanfics, so tread with caution.

Special shout out to PraiseBees and Ceric for making the Divergent world feel rich and alive in their fics. They've both been a huge source of inspiration and given me a new love for what the series can be.

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

My head is spinning by the time we get to lunch. How have I not thought of this before? I'd always assumed our lives would diverge from this point, but now it seems so obvious that I can just stay with him. Dauntless will be hard, sure, but all factions have their challenges. And the Dauntless seem so carefree, living every moment to its fullest.

We sit down at our usual table, and our best friends Will and Sebastian are already there.

"I still find it weird that Abnegation members can't have soda." Sebastian comments after acknowledging us.

"Is it time for another round of 'why Abnegation sucks?'" Ash smirks as he opens up his lunch. The cafeteria's quieter than normal, since the underclassmen were sent home early.

"Oh, I've got a good one. I helped this Abnegation girl earlier after a couple of underclassmen knocked her over, right? And she had a bunch of drawings, but she begged me not to tell anyone that she drew."

"Studies show that drawing actually helps students focus, you know?" Will says. "So it's illogical for them to forbid it."

Ash scoffs. "They don't want their children to do well. They want them to be completely average."

"Yeah, you're right."

An awkward silence fell over us, which was weird. I guess we all had a lot to think about.

Will was most likely transferring to Dauntless. While it wasn't as obvious to strangers as Ash's temperance, Will definitely had an energy beyond what Erudite could provide. Sure, he had wit, but the pressure was cracking him like it did most Erudite dependants.

Sebastian has been debating where he's going to go for a while. He wants to study law, but he hates the lifestyle that Candor members live. They didn't have quite the same luxury that Erudite had, and I don't think Sebby could live without his eyeliner. He could also study accounting here in Erudite, but he has a very love-hate relationship with the subject.

It's very likely none of us will stay here in Erudite. It's weird to think of our table being empty.

Eventually, the three of them get into a debate about a new kind of serum being developed, and I listen. It's nice hearing them lightheartedly arguing, and even when it devolves into crude insults, I know that they'll be laughing again in just a few moments. Occasionally, Sebby steals glances at his girlfriend Sarah, who's sitting a few tables over. We have a "no significant others" policy at our table after Will and Edward had a messy breakup, but Sarah's a sweetheart who wouldn't hurt anybody. I wish they'd let her come over, but she sits with Myra and her friends.

Myra. I still can't believe she implied she's going to Dauntless. Maybe I'm just reading too much into what she said, but damn, Myra in Dauntless?

I try to focus back in on the conversation, but I just can't. Today is the last time the four of us will be together, and I can't even hang on to any of their voices. Fuck.

How am I going to leave this behind? Why can't I just not grow up?

I don't even notice I'm crying until Ash ruffles my hair. "You okay, kid?"

"Of course not." I shake my head. "This is our last day of being kids."

"But we're going to go and do great things. Isn't that exciting?" Will asks. He has no idea I'm going to Dauntless with him. I'm not sure where he thinks I'll end up, but there's no way he's going to guess Dauntless for me.

"Yeah, but still."

Sebastian reaches into his lunch bag. "I figured this would happen, so I brought these in advance." He pulls out a small container of blueberries and hands them to me.

God, this is all so bittersweet. I love my friends, but even if we all transferred together, things wouldn't be the same. Whichever initiation we'd end up in, it's likely that we'd end up having to focus more on getting into the faction than actually maintaining our friendship. Sure, Erudite is also challenging to keep a friend group in, but we all know how it is for each other. Initiation is a huge unknown if we end up somewhere else.

Eventually, I manage to calm myself down. The blueberries help, especially since they're so tasty at the beginning of summer. My friends always coddle me, at least a little bit, since I'm the youngest and smallest.

I wish I could tell Will and Sebastian about my gender issues. I know I could probably trust them, but every time I try, I get all choked up. They call me Crimson, at least, even if they don't know why I like going by it so much.

Eventually, after we all finish our lunches, it's time for the Aptitude test. They call people up based on address, so Ash and I will likely go at the same time. The melancholy turns to dread in my stomach as I recognize people in our building. Will is first out of all of us, and he comes back after a few minutes a little shaken up. I want to ask what happened, but I know he's not allowed to say.

"From Erudite, Cadence Glynn and Ashton White."

We get up together, and I squeeze his hand. This is going to be fine. I'm most likely going to get Erudite or Amity, but that doesn't have to change my decision. I'll be with my brother, test be damned.

We're taken to a set of rooms only used for testing. I give Ash's hand one more squeeze before we're separated.

Everything is going to be fine.

I enter the room, and am met with my reflection across the wall. The whole room is covered in mirrors, and I'm not sure why. In the center of the room, there's a chair
that reminds me of the dentist's office, and a woman in Abnegation grey.

"Hello, Cadence." The woman smiles a but, motioning for me to get into the chair.

I do as I'm told, stomach flipping too much for me to say anything. As I lay back, the woman attaches wires to my temples. Is she going to read my brain waves or something? Is it to keep me honest so I don't skew the results?

She hands me a small cup of liquid. It's clear, but I can tell it's not water. "Drink this, please."

"What does it do?" I swirl it around a little.

"I cannot say. Just trust me, please."

And I do, because there's no way in hell I'm going to get kicked out of this test.

0-0-0-0-0

I blink, and the woman is gone. I get out of the chair and look around. There's no way she was able to leave that quickly, right? In front of me is a table with a wheel of cheese and a knife.

"Choose." Whoa, is that Jeanine Matthews talking to me? I glance around, but she's not here. Damn. I've only met her once when she talked to our class about government jobs in Erudite, but man, she just exudes pure Erudite energy.

"Choose." She's a little annoyed this time. Oh, right.

"Sorry." I say as I grab the cheese. The knife may be useful in some situations, but my guts says I'll need the cheese more. The table vanishes, and I'm in one of the lecture halls, standing on the stage. I turn around, and everyone I know is sitting in the seats, watching, snickering to themselves.

"Cadence, are you ready to begin your presentation on pasteurization?" A nameless, faceless teacher says. Well, he has a face, but it's so generic and it blurs if I try to look too closely.

I'm not ready. I mean, I know some things about milk, even though I'm lactose intolerant (I was really hoping I wouldn't have to eat the cheese), but I'm not ready to give a whole presentation over it. Deep breath. It hitches in my throat. I'm not ready at all. Sure, I could bullshit it like Ash would, but I don't have the confidence nor the intelligence to do this on the fly.

"Wait." Is that Sebby? He stands up in the first row. Holy shit, why's he here? Well, I guess everyone I know is here. It makes sense, really. "I was supposed to help Crimson study, but I didn't help her prepare enough material. This is my fault."

"Is this true?" The teacher asks. "Because if so, he'll fail and I'll give you an alternative assignment later." That's not how class usually works. Would I really let Sebby fail to save myself? Well, he's the one who spoke up, so it's kind of on him.

I nod. "Yes, it's true."

0-0-0-0-0

I blink again and I'm back in the chair. The Abnegation woman smiles and removes the wires from her head. "Congratulations, Cadence, you belong in Amity."

Oh. Cool. That makes a lot of sense. I already knew it in a way. "How does the test work, anyway?"

The Abnegation woman seems a bit flustered. "Oh, I'm not asked that very much." She clears her throat. "It determines your aptitude by eliminating the other factions.
Your immediate distaste for the knife ruled out Dauntless. If you had taken it, you would have eliminated Amity and gone through a completely different scenario. Then, the classroom scenario ruled out Erudite. Since every student learns about pasteurization in their Food Science course, it's something that everyone can understand, but only Erudite minded people could remember and recite something that doesn't directly affect their daily lives. Then, Candor and Abnegation were eliminated when your friend lied to save you. If you had been honest, you'd have one more scenario to eliminate either Candor or Abnegation."

That makes sense. "Is it possible that the scenarios could leave two possible factions?"

The woman frowns. "I have other students to test. Have a nice day, miss."

Oh, right, I can't just stay here and chat. But she didn't answer my question. Oh well, I'm sure the simulation would continue to process until only one faction remains.

I head back into the cafeteria, and Ash isn't back yet. Maybe his is taking longer? He's a stubborn bastard, so I can totally see him stalling it out. But then, they call the next round of names, and he's still not back.

"You think he bailed and went home?" Will asks.

I shake my head. "He'd tell us, right?" Maybe he wouldn't. Maybe he got a weird result and needed to clear his head. He isn't always the most considerate. Still, I can't help but worry.

"Hey, I'll be called up fairly soon. I can ask if you guys want." Sebastian offers. "I don't know if they'd be allowed to tell me, but it's worth a shot."

"Thanks, man, I appreciate it."

We spend the time before Sebastian gets called up talking about nothing in particular. Onces he's called, Will and I thumb wrestle. I lose, of course. It's not my fault Will has giant hands compared to me. If I was playing with Sebby, I might win, because good God he has small hands compared to his height. Why does that boy have hands as small as mine?

Sebastian approaches our table, not looking too worried. "Hey, so the lady couldn't tell me specifically if Ash left early, but she said the liquid they have you drink occasionally makes students vomit, so they get sent home. That's probably what happened." He says as he sits back down. "You see, nothing to worry about."

"Do they know why people get sick?" Will asks.

"She didn't say." He shrugs. "Though, if it's only a few students, it might be an obscure allergy or something."

"Can allergies cause vomiting?" I ask.

"Don't you throw up if you eat too much yogurt?" Okay, yeah, fair. Will cracks a smile and runs a hand through his blond hair. God, he has a lot of hair. Then again, so do I.

"That's not really an allergy, more an intolerance." I say.

"Fine, then Ash may have an intolerance to the eating fluid."

Eventually, it's time to go home. I wish I could stop time and stay here forever with my friends, but I can't. God damn it, I'm really going to miss this. We get on the bus home together and cram ourselves into one row, me in the middle since I'm the smallest. I fight back tears the whole way, and the other two occasionally ruffle my hair to get me to giggle a bit. God, they're so great.

Will lives on the first floor of our building, so we say goodbye there. I hug him hard, and he hugs me back harder. Oh, right, he doesn't know I'm coming to Dauntless with him. I'm assuming he's still planning on Dauntless. Maybe he's not. I make sure to give him an extra squeeze, just in case.

Sebastian and I get on the elevator. Our building is fairly small, and the elevators are old, so most people take the stairs. We're alone.

"You going to hang out with Sarah tonight?" I ask.

"Nah. We had a date night last night, and agreed to take tonight for ourselves. We'll have plenty of time in the future."

"So, you decided on Erudite after all, huh?" Good. He'll do good here.

"Yeah. Test told me it's where I fit, so I don't need to worry anymore." He shrugs, running a hand through his thick black hair.

"So vagrantly ignoring the one rule about these tests." I smirk.

"Well, no point in keeping it a secret."

I sigh. God, I want to stay and be with my friends. But I don't fit here. "I'm not staying in Erudite." But I don't want to tell him I'm going to Dauntless. I don't want to say anything out loud, because if I do, I'll have to commit to a decision, and I'm definitely not ready. "I, uh, got Amity on the test."

He chuckled a little. "I figured you would, honestly." The elevator door opens at the fifth floor. "Want me to walk you to your door?"

"Oh, such a gentleman." I smile. I know it's not like that, it never has been. He's just a good friend. "I'm going to miss you, you know."

"Yeah, of course you will. I'm impossible not to miss." He grins, but I can tell he's sad behind those dark green eyes. We're walking so slow, and I don't want this moment to end. "I'm going to miss you too."

"You've been an amazing friend. I couldn't have asked for more." And I can't help it, I start crying. "Fuck, Sebby, this is all so weird."

"We knew it would happen." He sighs a little. "Either I would have ended up in Candor, or you in Amity. Or both, then we'd have to be bitter rivals."

I smile a little through my tears. "Nah, you're too much of a softie to hate me."

And then we're at my door.

"I guess this is it, then, huh?" I don't even try to fight the tears anymore.

"Yeah, I guess so." He pulls me into a hug, even though he's not usually a hugger. A lot of Erudite members aren't keen on physical contact.
I hold him for a long time, and I feel my heart start to crack open. This isn't happening. I'm not saying goodbye to my best friend, the one who brings me snacks when I'm sad, the one who always knows exactly what's wrong. I can't be saying goodbye, not yet.

He pulls away and holds my face in his hands, wiping tears off my cheeks with his thumbs. God, my makeup has got to be absolutely ruined by this point. "Crimson, you've been great. Now, go be great elsewhere." He presses his lips to my forehead, a kind gesture. "And, uh, say bye to Ash for me I guess. Hopefully he's okay."

I nod. "I will."

He lets go of my face, takes a deep breath, and walks back to the elevator.

I'm alone.

0-0-0-0-0

After composing myself, I head into my apartment. I check our voicemail, and there's a message from Mom saying that both her and Dad would be late working, and there was stuff to make beef stir fry in the fridge.

I go into the bedroom Ash and I share and set down my things. Ash is fast asleep on the bed, snoring. I consider waking him up, but I figure I'll wake him up with dinner. I'm glad to see him alive and hopefully well.

Right, dinner. It's much later than school usually gets out, so I'm starving. I put the rice in the rice cooker, and then start slicing up the meat. I don't usually cook, but it's my last chance to make my own dinner for a while, so I'm going to take it. I don't love beef, but stir fry is always a good way to have it. After I get the meat cooking, I start slicing up the peppers and onions. I idly wonder if Mom bought the peppers herself, or if we got them in our weekly food package. Mom always gets so happy when we get fresh bell peppers.

After it's all done, I realize I've made enough for four people. Oh well, Mom and Dad can reheat their portions later. When I get back to our room with the food, Ash is sitting at the edge of his bed, staring at the wall. "Hey, bud, you alright?" He doesn't look at me. "I, uh, made dinner."

"Thanks." His voice sounds empty. What the hell happened to him?

"So, uh, I heard some people get sick from the test." I set his plate on his bedside table and sit next to him. "Was that why you didn't come back to lunch?"

He looks over to his plate. "Oh, uh, yeah. Sorry for not saying anything."

"It's fine." I start eating, because holy shit am I starving. "Make sure to eat. We have a big day tomorrow."

"Yeah, we do." He doesn't pick up his plate.

"Sebastian said to tell you bye. He's gonna miss you, assuming you're still going to Dauntless." I frown. "Are you?"

He shrugs. "Probably."

Should I tell him I'm coming with him? Maybe. "I, uh, I got Amity on my test."

"Good. You belong there."

"But, uh, I kind of want… to go to Dauntless with you." I knew that if I tried to keep it in, I'd explode.

He raises an eyebrow. "Why the hell would you do that?"

"I just want to see you happy, you know?" It's so dumb. Why'd I even say anything? He probably thinks I'm stupid for even thinking about it. "Like, man, I haven't seen you actually smile in years."

He sighs. "Hey, Crimson?"

He's going to call me a moron. "Yeah?"

"Can I trust you?"

I blink. "Of course you can. Why would you even ask?"

He looks at me, and his eyes are more serious than I've ever seen them. It's almost scary. "No, really, can I? This isn't just some… little thing."

"Yes. You can absolutely trust me." I nod my head and put my hand over his. "I'm your brother."

He stands up and rubs his hand over his face. "I shouldn't be saying this at all. It's incredibly important that no one else knows. You can't ever tell anyone."

"Ash, you're scaring me. What's wrong?" I set my plate down and stand up, touching his arm.

He looks down at me and sighs. "So, you know how the test works by process of elimination?"

"Yeah, why?"

"For most people, it eliminates four and leaves only one answer. My test way only able to eliminate three." Oh. So I was on to something. "I have strong aptitudes for Dauntless and Erudite. People with multiple aptitudes are referred to as Divergents." The last word is almost a whisper, like it shouldn't ever be said out loud.

"Oh, that's…" They always told us we all fit into neat boxes, but it makes sense that not everyone would. "That's kind of cool. Like, is it a super rare thing? I mean, it's happened before, since there's a name for it, but-"

"Crimson, you don't understand." He cuts me off. Wait, hold on, is he panicking? His eyes are all wide, and he looks like he's struggling to breathe. That's not like him at all. He's usually the cool-headed one. What's wrong with-

"They kill people like me."

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: Whoopsie, meant to upload yesterday but I’m dumb. I’m loving writing this so far.

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Ash and I eat our dinners in silence. How was I supposed to say anything? 'Hey, uh, sucks you might die' isn't exactly a great way to continue a conversation. I'm just glad he's eating.

I know that no matter what, I have to protect him. Will I be very good at it? Probably not. But I have to try, damn it.

Neither of us sleep well, but we pretend to be asleep when our parents get home. There's no way I'm going to be able to talk to them, not like this.

Eventually, I manage to get a few hours of sleep before I have to get up. Fuck. I wish I'd gotten more. I hate coffee, but I guess I'll need some to get through the day. I had the feeling Dauntless would have us hit the ground running, and I needed the energy.

Right. I'm joining Dauntless today. Every moment, it sounds like a worse and worse decision, but I need to be with my brother.

I get up earlier than him so I can steal all the hot water for the shower. If I let him have any, he'll end up too relaxed and fall asleep on the bus. He needs a cold shower to shock his system awake, and I need to remove any temptation.

Or I'm just a selfish bitch who likes long showers.

Either way, he's still asleep when I go back into our room to wake him up. I basically have to drag him out of bed, but that's normal. When he hops in the shower, I head into our living room.

"Good morning, Cadence." Mom and Dad are already there. "Did you sleep well?"

"Of course not, Mom. It's Choosing Day."

"I'm going to go make coffee and get us some cereal." Dad says, getting up. Oh, good, he's letting me talk to Mom.

"Hey, sweetie, come here so I can braid your hair." Mom motions to the spot on the couch next to her. Oh God, this is the last time we'll do this. Mom must know, because she looks like she wants to cry too. I sit down next to her.

"I got Amity on the Aptitude Test." I blurt out.

"I thought you might." Oh God, she's crying. No, no, Mom's not supposed to cry. "It'll be good for you. You'll do great things there." But I won't be going there. I'm not going to tell her that. "But no matter what, Cadence Alexandria Glynn, know that you'll always be my daughter, and I'll always love you."

My heart shatters into pieces. I'm not her daughter, I haven't been for a long time, but she'll never know that. She'll never see me as her son, because I'm leaving her behind before I can tell her. I'm not ready now, and this is my last chance. She'll never know.

I let myself cry, because if I speak, everything will come crashing down.

As Ash comes out of the bathroom fully dressed, Dad brings us all coffee and breakfast. I'm glad he went ahead and assumed I'd need it, because I'm not in a state to ask for anything. Would it be bad to show up to the Choosing Ceremony with ruined makeup? I should probably just take it off. Ash's eyeliner looks perfect as always, even though his eyes are bloodshot as hell. How did he get blessed with such steady hands?

I remove my makeup before we go. It's weird, being so bare faced. I feel almost naked. I guess it makes sense, since I'm about to make the biggest decision of my life in front of a huge crowd.

I'm not ready for this.

0-0-0-0-0

We get on the bus together, and Mom holds my hand. Sebastian gets on and sits with Ash. Good, I'm glad they get to talk before we all go separate ways. His parents aren't coming, but that's not a huge surprise. Their family is more distant than most, and from what it sounds like, the few times they are together result in fighting.

He often ends up staying with Will and his older sister Cara.

We eventually arrive at the Hub, the largest building in our city. I look up, and the thought of being at the very top makes me dizzy. Luckily, we aren't even going half that high, and we get to take the elevator.

A part of me just wants this over with, but more of me just doesn't want this moment to happen at all. I want to go back to living with Mom and Dad, hanging out at

Will's on our days off. I want to go back to Sebby giving me blueberries and everyone ruffling my hair like I'm a cat.

I don't want to join Dauntless. I want to stay here, or go to Amity.

We sit down in the seats and wait. Ash grabs my hand and squeezes tighter than ever before.

I'm joining Dauntless.

I can't even focus during the speech. The speaker, Marcus Eaton, has a nice voice, but it's full of that false Abnegation uppitiness. Is that even a word? I don't care. He sounds so full of himself. Trust me, Marcus, just because you lead a faction doesn't make you a good person. He's probably one of those assholes who beats his kids.

And then he starts calling names. Though I’ve never watched a Choosing Ceremony before, I know they call names in reverse alphabetical order. The first few people choose their home faction. Transfers usually make up a significantly smaller portion of any faction's initiate class. People are more comfortable in familiar settings. For every Erudite child that cracks under the pressure, there's five who are too scared to go anywhere else.

"White, Ashton!"

Ash gets up, and I can't hold on to him any longer. "Goodbye, Dad. Goodbye, Mom." He mumbles as he heads towards the stairs.

My mom instantly tears up, and Dad just looks numb. Did they have any idea this would happen? I know Mom knows I'm leaving, but did Ash ever talk to her?

He steps onto the stage and takes the knife from Marcus. He hesitates for a moment before slicing his palm and holding it over the coals. Dauntless.

He's the first transfer. People around us mutter in confusion and distress while Dauntless cheers and yells obscenities towards Erudite. The rest of my faction will see him as a traitor, but what will my parents believe?

I have to stay. I can't leave them childless.

But Mom's already told me that no matter what, I'm her kid. She's accepted that I'm leaving, and behind her tears, I know she's happy for me. But would she be okay if she knew I was going to Dauntless, not Amity? I study her face, but I can't tell how she's feeling. Obviously sad because her child left, but does she feel abandoned? Angry? Or proud that he’s making his own choices? Maybe a bit of everything.

How am I supposed to do this? Why couldn't mom have had me two months later so I could have another year to think?

Names blur by me, and I try to focus on what people are choosing. Most transfers go to Amity or Erudite. It makes sense. Amity provides a happy life, and Erudite has almost unlimited potential. There's few Dauntless transfers slipping in, mostly from Erudite and Candor. No one from Abnegation has left, even though a few have transferred in.

"Prior, Caleb." Oh, hey, it's that Abnegation guy from Ethics and Philosophy. He steps up to the stage and slices his palm, just like everyone else before him.

He joins Erudite.

Just like Ash, it feels like a barrier's been broken. An Abnegation leaving is rare already, but coming to the faction that's actively antagonizing them? People cry out, and I start to wonder how bad things really are.

"Prior, Beatrice." His sister, I assume. She seems even less sure than he did, and her blood drips onto the floor before she thrusts her hand over the coals.

Oh, fuck, they're family but be really fucked. Both children leaving at once? Holy hell. More outrage from the crowd as Dauntless welcomes her in with shouts and laughter.

They always seem so happy to get a new member. It's beautiful, really.

The next few choices aren't very interesting. Everyone stays in their own faction.

"Perkins, Infinity." Now that's a name. A blue haired Dauntless goes up to the stage, every step exuding confidence. He slices his palm with a dramatic flair, and turns towards the Abnegation bowl. No way, someone like that joining the Stiffs? Even though it's impossible to fail their initiation, he'd find a way to do it. He holds his hands dangerously close to the bowl, before laughing and switching over to the Dauntless flames. His blood drips onto the coals, and he turns around. He hold his hands up to his face, getting blood on his chin, and blows kisses to the crowd. As his arms extend, his hands quickly change to flipping everyone off. "All you pansy-ass Stiffs can suck my cock!" He yells as he steps backwards off the stage and rejoins his own faction.

Why was he so dramatic? He didn't even change factions. I know Dauntless has a flair for drama, but still.

Even from this far away, I can see the shock on Marcus's face. He stumbles a bit before calling the next name.

I pay attention to who else joins Dauntless, who my new faction mates will be. Edward and Myra both join, and it's a relief. I'm not super close with Edward, but he seems alright. Myra has always been so nice to me, and I can't wait to be her friend for real.

All too, soon, I hear "Glynn, Cadence!"

Fuck. No, no, no, I'm not ready. I force myself to stand up, but my legs threaten to buckle under me.

"We love you, Cadence." Mom says.

"I love you too." And then I have to go. I can't leave them behind, but as I walk down the stairs, I realize there's no way I can stay. I'm not smart enough, and I'll crack under the pressure. As much as I love my parents, I can't stay.

I'm joining Dauntless.

I get to the stage, and Marcus hands me the knife. His eyes pierce into my soul, asking far more questions than any Abnegation should.

I slice my palm, but as I turn to the flaming bowl, the winds of Amity seem to call me, waiting, begging me to join. I could be happy, live an easy life, no worries in the world.

But I'll always worry about Ash.

I don't let myself look towards Amity as I hold my hand over the flames. My blood sizzles as it drops onto the coals, and a warmth fills my body as my new faction cheers. I don't turn back, because if I see my parent's faces right now, I'll beg for them to take me back.

This is a mistake. I should have joined Amity.

I sit down next to my brother.

"You actually did it." He smirks a little, as if he's impressed.

A few minutes later, we hear "Erble, Will!" get called up. Heh, Marcus pronounced it as if it rhymed with 'gerbil', not 'terrible' how it's supposed to be pronounced. What a dumbass. Then again, I made the same mistake, but I was six. Heh, Marcus is as dumb as I was when I was six.

How did I get Amity again?

He joins Dauntless, just like I thought he would. Unfortunately, the spots around us have filled up, so he sits elsewhere. A bit later, a girl named "Canter, Christina!" sits next to him.

The last name I recognize is "Abbott, Sebastian." As he slices his palm, he looks over to us. His eyes catch mine, and I beg him to join us. We're his friends, and he should stay with us, factions be damned.

He gives me the most confused look as he joins Erudite. Oh, right, he thought I was joining Amity. Fuck. Yeah, I did lie by omission.

The ceremony ends when the last person chooses, and I give one last look back to Erudite as the Dauntless members around me rise. I can't see my parents. It's probably for the best. I've said my goodbyes, and if I dwell any longer, I'll cry. I can't cry now, not as I'm joining Dauntless.

We run down the stairs, footsteps hammering down and wild yells filling the stairwell. It's more than I've ever run at once. I falter quite a bit, but there's always someone to help me up, help me forward. We burst out of the Hub, and the sun's already setting. Damn, the ceremony took that long? My stomach growls a bit. I feel like I should be much hungrier.

After leaving the Hub, the Dauntless start climbing up to a platform. It reminds me of climbing the apple trees in Amity when our teacher wasn't looking. Sometimes, I hate my small frame, but today, it's the only reason I can make it up. I'm so out of breath, and my clothes cling to me because of all the sweat.

I hear the faint horn of a train, and my heart sinks. Oh, fuck, we're jumping on a train our first day? After all that running? Why did I join Dauntless?

I look around the crowd to find Ash. He's never been hard to find, given that at his last checkup he clocked in at 6'4, and has grown a couple inches since then. The grin on his face, chock full of giddy excitement, soothes my worries. Everything will be just fine.

The train arrives, and it's panic time again.

The Dauntless horns go first running along the tracks and swinging inside no problem. The train can't be going much more than 10 miles per hour, but it feels like it's racing by.

I see an opening, and I have to take it.

I run along pace with the train car, but finding the courage to jump and grab the pole is a daunting task. What if I fuck up?

The edge of the platform is quickly approaching. If I don't jump now, I'll fall to my death. It's time to either fly or die.

I fly.

My body collides with the train car as I grab the handle, and it knocks the wind out of me. I try to swing myself in, but I'm not strong enough. Fuck, I'm clinging onto a moving train car 40 feet into the air.

Hands drag me in. I end up pressed into a boy's chest, and when I pull away, I see grey. Huh? Another Abnegation? How'd I miss that? I look up at his face, and realize who he is.

"Hey, you're that guy who's sister got pushed over by my brother's dumb ass friends!" Admittedly, that's not the strongest connection, but it's all I have. "Shuî, right?"

"Uh, yeah." His eyes are really pretty, a deep brown with patches of light brown near the pupil. He looks away shyly. "I never got your name."

It occurs that no one needs to know my original name. Sure, a few might know, but strangers never have to know.

I can tell people I'm a boy. Sure, I don't look like it, but I can work on it.

"Oh, uh, I'm Crimson."

He's still holding on to me, and I don't think he realizes it. I wouldn't mind, but we're dangerously close to the edge, so I pull away and sit back against the wall, feeling every vibration.

I hear Ash's laugh. "Holy shit, that was the coolest thing I've ever done!"

"Welcome to Dauntless, then. Trust me, you'll do much cooler." A bronze-skinned Dauntless boy says. I see a tattoo of a snake peeking out under his ear. "I'm Uriah."

Shuî sits down next to me and catches his breath as Ash shakes Uriah's hand. "Ash. Good to meet you, man."

I idly pull my braid in front of me and fiddle with it. It's a nervous tick, but as I think, I realize that having long hair is an awful idea. For one, if the rumor's I've heard are true, we'll be training in hand to hand combat, and having a braid to yank around would put me at a disadvantage. Plus, I don't know how available hair care products will be, since Initiation for every faction limits your resources somewhat.

Plus, I look even more like a girl with waist length hair. Maybe, just maybe, short hair will make my face look more masculine.

The thought of cutting my hair fills me with a sense of sorrow. It's my last connection to my mother. She always braided my hair every single morning, and throwing that away feels like a betrayal.

But I've already given her the worst betrayal. I left my faction.

"Hey, does anyone have a knife?" I'm in a train full of Dauntless, I'm sure someone has one.

Surprisingly, Shuî's the one who hands me one. What the hell? Why does he have a knife? He must have known he'd transfer. Still, how does an Abnegation have a knife?

Whatever. I take the knife and pull my braid back. Is the knife sharp enough? I take a deep breath and slice through my hair, hoping it lands somewhere around the nape of my neck.

My head feels so much lighter. I haven't had hair this short since I was four. It's an odd sensation. I hand the knife back and shake my head out. God, holding the braid in my hand reminds me how heavy it really was.

I stand up and go to the edge of the train car. Holding on to the handle, I lean out slightly. I could learn to love this, really. The wind whips through my newly cut hair, and I sigh. I take the braid and hold it out, letting go. The red strands fly free from the elastic, and they drift through the wind like a flame.

Goodbye, Mom.

Ash pulls me back into the car. "Don't want you falling out." He smiles. God, I've missed that smile.

We stand and watch the city go by. I see the building where we used to live just this morning, and I wonder if my parents are home, or did they decide to drown themselves in their work?

0-0-0-0-0

The train starts to slow down again. I'm back against the wall, sitting between Ash and Shuî, idly chatting about what our new life will be like. Well, Ash and I talk. Shuî just kind of sits there and stares out into the city.

Ash gets up and peeks out the train door. "I think we're about to jump off."

Oh. Fun. I shouldn't be surprised, since jumping on to a train implies jumping off. Still, when I come out to look, there's a gap between the train and the rooftop.

I grab Ash's hand. "Together?"

"You asking for my benefit or yours?" Ash laughs a little.

"One hundred percent mine." I laugh as well.

"Hmm, alright. I'm feeling nice."

When it's time, we back up a couple steps, then leap out. I feel weightless for a moment, with an odd sense of terror that I’ve never felt as the roof comes hurtling towards me. I stumble and fall to my knees when we land, and a bit of blood drips from one of them. Oh well, not too bad. May leave a bit of a scar, since it looks like
I cut myself on a sharp piece of gravel or something.

A blur of grey lands next to me, rolling on the ground. Shuî. He gets up and dusts off his clothes. “That was intense.”

“It was awesome, that’s what it was.” Ash grins.

I can’t even talk. My hearts hammering too hard, too much adrenaline, too much excitement, too much regret. Are we going to have to do that every day? It was fun, sure, but as I hear someone cry out, sobbing uncontrollably, I fear the worst. Someone died.

Why do I want to go look? My body propels me towards the edge, and I peer over. A Dauntless born girl is on the ground, limbs contorted at impossible angles, blood pouring from everywhere. Even the Dauntless born aren’t safe.

I pull away before I can throw up. Then again, even if I could, I don’t have much in my stomach. Maybe that’s why the Choosing Ceremony is so long, so that the trains don’t get covered in vomit. I look over to the crying girl, and I want to comfort her, but she’s thrashing about as another Dauntless boy holds her so she doesn’t fall.

Maybe now’s not the time.

“Listen up!” I turn towards the voice, and an older black man stands on one of the ledges. His presence is commanding, and I can tell he’s someone important. “My name is Max! I am one of the leaders of your new faction!” He stands on the ledge so casually, like this is nothing to him. Like someone didn’t just fall to their death and splatter all over the pavement. “Several stories below us is the new initiate’s entrance into our compound! If you can’t muster the courage to jump off, you do not belong!” A few Dauntless borns start to walk up to the ledge, but Max holds up a hand. “Tradition dictates that it must be a transfer who makes the first leap.”

“You want us to jump off a ledge?” Myra asks, mouth hung open. Why is she so surprised? I don’t love the idea, but it’s perfectly in line with what we’ve already been asked to do.

“Yes.” Max smirks, amused.

“Is there water at the bottom or something?” One of the Candor members asks. No, water would be a terrible idea. Hitting water at a high velocity and the right angle would be the same as hitting concrete. Besides, swimming lessons are entirely optional in most factions, and I sure as hell didn’t take any. I doubt that they’d make us swim, since it’s not a practical skill in our lives. Maybe if the lake at the eastmost bounds of our city wasn’t a giant marsh, people would try and swim, but I can’t imagine ever having to now.

“Who knows?” Max raises his eyebrows. God, he’s having so much fun with this. “Now, who among you is brave enough to take the leap into the unknown?”

The Dauntless borns step to the side, creating a path for us transfers. I half expect Ash to volunteer, but before I can even turn to him, Beatrice steps forward. “I will.”

Holy shit, not who I expected. Max steps to the side as she climbs up on to the ledge. The wind whips through her clothes, and she fumbles a bit as she removes her outermost layer.

“Woo, take it off Stiff!” Peter. Ugh, I didn’t realize he’d transferred here too. Well, I guess I did know he’d leave Candor, but I’m still annoyed. “Take it off!” He pauses for a moment before adding, "Put it back on."

Rude.

Beatrice seems to agree with me, since she balls up her shirt and tosses it at his chest. I giggle a little at the interaction.

She takes a moment to collect herself, and then silently jumps off the ledge. I don't hear any splashing water, so I assume that there's a net or a trampoline or something. No, a trampoline would be bad, because if they rocket back up, they could hit a wall.

We all line up, one by one. Ash is in front of me, and Shuî is behind me. The Dauntless born stay in the back, giving us the chance to face our fears. At first I wasn't scared, but now I'm worried. Logically, I know I'll be fine, but the idea of leaping off a building is unsettling.

Ash stays stone-faced in front of me, but then it's his turn. His skin pales a bit from it's usual tan shade, and his hands are shaking. Wait, is he actually scared? I don't think I've ever seen him scared. Well, I guess last night he could be considered scared, but that was reasonable.

He leaps, and I hear him scream louder than he's ever screamed. I've only ever heard him tell out in frustration or pain, and even then it's usually a curse word or two under his breath. Never terror.

Max motions me up about 30 seconds after Ash made his leap.

I climb onto the ledge, and my first instinct is to sit back down. The building we're on is connected to three other buildings, creating a square. However, where there should be ground, there's just a hole, and it's too dark to see the bottom.

I have no reason to be scared. I'll land safely, and everything will be fine.

I can't look.

I saw a few people before me go backwards, closing their eyes and crossing their hands over their chests. Maybe they were on to something. I turn around, and the crowd is staring back at me. Fuck, how am I supposed to do this? Max may just have to push me.

Shuî gives me a small smile, and it looks like he doesn't quite have the hang of smiling yet.

I take a deep breath, close my eyes, and let myself fall.

I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm going to die.

My screams are knocked out of me when I hit something soft, a net that gives and cradles me. It takes me a minute before I can move, by when I can, hands are reaching towards me.

The woman who pulls me up is so pretty, with three eyebrow rings and too many various ear piercings to count. Her deep brown eyes seem to question me, but not in an unfriendly way. Just a curious way.

"And what's your name, little lady?" She grins.

If I don't say anything now, I don't think I'll be able to say it again. This is my one shot to let my new world know who I am. I can't let terror overtake me, not this time.

"My name is Crimson Glynn, and I'm a boy."

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

"Well, I wouldn't have guessed that by looking, but alright." She turns me towards the crowd and raises my hand up with hers. "Alright, here we've got Crimson, and he's a boy!"

People cheer, though not as enthusiastically as they probably did for Beatrice. I was towards the end of the transfer line, so I'm sure everyone's tired of yelling.

A blur of grey lands in the net, and I take that as my cue to get off the platform.

"Not trying to hide it anymore?" Ash asks as I stand next to him.

I grin. "Nah. Felt good to get it off my chest." I don't know how Dauntless will treat that aspect for me, but I would explode if I kept it in much longer.

"Your hair looks like shit." He smirks as he pays my head. God, it's probably so tangled from all the wind. Plus, I did a terrible job of cutting it. I'll have to get it evened out sometime soon.

"Thanks. You sound like a strangled cat when you scream."

Ash laughs a little. "Yeah, sounds about right."

Shuî approaches us, breathless. God, he looks like he might collapse.

"You good, there, bud?" I ask, putting a hand on his shoulder.

He recoils a bit. "Yeah, just… wow."

We wait for a few minutes, but it feels like an eternity. Then, as the last transfer falls, the man who was on the platform groups us all together. "Alright, transfers, follow me."

The corridors are dark, and the blue lanterns are sparse, so I lose myself in the darkness. The walls are carved out of the stone, and we continue so far down that my ears pop. It’s a strange sensation, one I’ve only experienced on our field trip up to the top of the Hub.

Eventually, we stop in a rounded room with nothing in it. “Welcome, Initiates!” The man leading us yells, getting our attention. “Most of the time I work in the control room, but for the next few weeks, I am your instructor.” He says. “My name is Four.”

“Four? Like the number?” A pretty Candor girl asks from a few feet away.

Ash and I look at each other, and I know he’s thinking exactly what I am. We both let out a slight laugh.

“Yes.” Four says, and then turns to us. “Is there a problem?”

I shut up instantly, but Ash isn’t that smart. Or he’s brave enough to laugh in front of our new instructor.

“Come on, you know that name means something else, right?” Ash smirks. “At least you aren’t lying and calling yourself Eight.”

“Knock it off, bro.” I elbow him in the ribs as Four approaches.

Four is tall, around the same height as Shuî, so around six feet or so, but he’s still shorter than Ash. Still, he has no problems getting in Ash’s face. “What’s your name?”

“I don’t know, Seven, maybe Seven and a Ha-”

I elbow him in the ribs harder, because that’s definitely not information I needed to hear. I glance over at Shuî, and he just looks so confused. Poor baby, he’s going to get his innocence shattered here, I can already tell.

“His name is Ash, sir.” I say. “Excuse my brother. There’s a reason he left Erudite.”

Four gives a small, amused smile towards me. “I can tell.” His face is cold again as he turns back to Ash. “Listen here, Ash. If I wanted to deal with smartasses, I would have joined Candor. I suspect you should have done the same.” He glares at my brother for another moment before turning on his heel and heading back to the front of the group. “I’ll be taking you on a tour of the compound. I’ll show you everywhere you need to know, from our commercial area, initiate housing, and training areas. Along the way, I’ll explain our currency system and other information you’ll need to know for your life here in Dauntless.” God, his voice is boring when he speaks. It reminds me of Marcus Eaton and his boring ass speech. Was that really only a few hours ago?

“Now, if you’ll follow me, we’ll be heading to the Pit, which you’ll someday learn to love. It-” The pretty Candor girl snickers a little, and I swear I hear him sigh. He stares her down for a minute. “What’s your name, initiate?”

“Christina,” She squeaks. Wow, she’s about as tall as he is.

“Well, Christina, I’ve made my dislike for Candor smart-mouths very clear.” He hisses. “The first lesson you will learn from me is to keep your mouth shut. Got that?”

She nods.

Four turns and heads down the tunnel. We move with him, silent. No one wants to anger Four again. He seems calm enough, but calm means planning. I he were to explode, his anger would be spent, but he could be planning retaliation. Or maybe he’s brave enough to let a few comments roll off of him. I can’t tell if he’s still angry or not.

He pushes a set of double doors open, and we walk into the place he called “the Pit.”

“Oh.” I hear Christia whisper. She’s not a very quiet whisperer. “I get it.”

“Pit” is the perfect word for it. We’re at the bottom of a huge underground cavern, walls rocky and uneven and rising several stories. It’s so big I can barely see the other side. Carved out of the walls are shops and places for recreation. Narrow paths made of metal grates twist above us like a spider web. There’s no rails, and children run on them like they couldn’t possibly fall off and die. I was nauseous just looking at it.

Above the paths, there’s a large glass ceiling, and above that, a building with no floors except for at the very top and a tall, steep staircase leading up to it. It probably looks like a normal building from the outside.

Dauntless around us, dressed in black but with wildly varying styles, talking and shouting, faces more expressive than most in Erudite could ever dream of. I can’t see any elderly members. Do Dauntless just die young, even if they survive Initiation, or are the elderly sent away when their bodies deteriorate.

“Welcome to the Pit. This is where Dauntless gather for all of their needs, from clothing to food, as well as many other luxuries. As initiates, you’ll be allotted a baseline amount of points, plus you’ll earn more the better you do. If you become a full member, any remaining points will be converted into the universal currency, Dollars, and you’ll earn money based off of your job. The Canteen is just off of the Pit, and we’ll head there as soon as you get settled in the dorms.”

The ‘if’ he said lingers in my mind. ‘If’ we make it in. How many of us will fail?

“Now, if you’ll follow me,” says Four, “I’ll show you the Chasm.”

He waves us forward, and we head to the right side of the Pit. It’s dark, but as we get closer, the Dauntless chatter turns to the sound of rushing water. It’s so much darker than I’ve ever had to deal with, but I see a metal railing. I look over the side. Water gushes through a pipe and lands on the sharp rocks below, flowing somewhere where I can’t see. It sprays upward, covering me in a mist that feels surprisingly pleasant. Still, the thought of falling in makes me nauseous.

“The Chasm reminds us that there is a fine line between bravery and idiocy!” Four shouts over the crashing water. “A daredevil jump off of this ledge will end your life. It has happened before and it will happen again. You’ve been warned.”

Who among us will end up in the bottom of this chasm, body tumbling through the water, rocks bludgeoning them until their limbs break and the water flows red?

“This is amazing.” Ash mutters, peeking a little too far over the railing before backing away.

“Something like that.” I say.

We walk along a path that crosses the Chasm and leads us into a hallway. We head into a room on our right. It’s large, something like the gymnasium at our school. The floor is old wood, and there’s a marked off circle in the middle. Punching bags are lined up along the wall. There’s only about fifteen or so, so maybe all of us won’t be training in here.

“This is one of our many training rooms. You’ll be grouped up with the people in your dorm, which are usually groups of ten. However, since there are more transfers than we expected, 71 instead of the usual 60, the groups will be slightly larger.” Four explains. “You’ll meet in your dorm’s training room at eight. Tardiness is not tolerated, and will affect your rankings. Lunch is at noon, and then you’ll resume training until six. Afterwards, you can do what you like, but please remember to let your body rest. It’ll need it.”

“Rankings?” Someone asks, like it’s not obvious we’d be ranked. Why wouldn’t they? Athleticism is important, and if you can’t keep up, then of course you won’t do as well.

“Yes. Your ranking serves two purposes. The first is that it determines the order in which you’ll select a job after initiation. If you don’t get above a certain rank, you’ll be given a job working in our police force and living among the Factionless until you can prove yourself to become a full member. Mid ranking members work at the Fence and work shifts living within the Amity settlements. After all, commuting from Amity to Dauntless every night is a waste of time. The top Initiates have much more freedom in their choices. Leadership, nurses, tattoo artists, et cetera.”

“And what’s the second purpose?” Someone else asks.

“After the first stage, the bottom twenty-five percent of initiates will be cut sent sent out of Dauntless completely.” Four explains. He doesn’t seem malicious, just matter of fact. “You will live factionless. If you can’t perform the physical tasks we require, we don’t want you with us.”

My stomach drops. I’m small, and I’m definitely not strong. Will I be able to make it? I hear Myra sob a little next to me, and I put a hand on her shoulder.

“But that’s… not fair!” A broad-shouldered Candor girl yells. She sounds angry, but I can tell beneath it, she’s terrified. “If we had known-”

“If you’re not brave enough to push past your fear of failure, then you don’t belong here.” Four crosses his arms, stern. “You chose us, and now Dauntless has to choose you.”

A chill settles over all of us. A quarter of us will be gone by the end of the first stage. What even are the stages, anyway? I guess he’ll explain later, since I really don’t feel like speaking up.

“Now, let’s take you up to the dorms.” Four says, heading out of the training room. We follow him silently down the hall and up a flight of stairs. When we get to the dorm area, he counts us off in groups of twelve and assigns us a dorm. He explains that there’s a box of clothes provided, and once we’re done getting changed and claiming our beds, to meet us at the Canteen across the Pit.

My group steps into our room. There’s five bunk beds, and twelve of us. Two of us are going to have to either share a bed with someone else or sleep on the floor.

“So…” Will clears his throat. I’m glad he’s in our group. “How are we doing this?”

“Eddy and I can share a bed.” Myra says, clinging on to his arm and grinning. I’m so glad she’s with us too.

“Any other volunteers, or should we draw sticks or something?”

I take a deep breath and look at Ash. “You cool with sharing?” And then I look at the beds, and there’s no way he could lay on one without curling up, and I wouldn’t fit alongside him. “Eh, nevermind.”

“I’ll sleep on the floor.” Shuî says. “Uh, Abnegation beds may as well be floors.” Was that a joke? I crack a smile. Huh, a funny Abnegation. Who knew?

“Great, that settles it!” Will claps his hands. “Now, let’s all get changed.”

We all go over to the box of clothes. Luckily, all the sizes are easily identifiable, so it’s easy to pass on something that’ll be too big. Me and Beatrice --Wait, I heard Christina call her Tris at some point, which I think suits a Dauntless member a lot better-- end up getting most of the small clothes thrust at us. After all, we’re both short and skinny.

“Hey, do you have any t-shirts in your stack?” Tris asks meekly, like she rarely asks for anything. “Peter kept handing me tank-tops.”

I understand completely why that makes her uncomfortable. Abnegation tends to fuck up their dependant’s sense of modesty. “Oh, sure!” We trade a few shirts. Tank tops aren’t the most appealing, but at least the ones I got don’t seem to be as revealing as I’ve seen some Dauntless wear. I don’t love the idea of changing in front of other people, but at least it’s just my underwear. I turn as to not face anyone as I quickly change into one of the tank tops and some loose knee length shorts with a lot of pockets.

After I’m ready, I go down to the Canteen with Ash and Shuî. Will already went down, and I spot him surrounded by Dauntless members, laughing about something. Are they other transfers, or full on members? I wish I could sit and talk with him, but I guess that will have to wait until later.

The three of us sit at one of the long tables that hasn’t been completely filled yet. There’s a plate of hamburgers in the center of our little section. It’s not my favorite, but it’ll do. Ash and Shuî are both across from me, and I can see the apprehension on Shuî’s face. “You’ve never had a hamburger before?” Ash asks, eyes wide with amusement.

“No. Is that what it’s called?” He asks, taking one and putting it on his plate.

“Yeah. It’s beef, if you couldn’t tell.” I say. I bite into mine, and it has more flavor than I expect. “Tastes like they put onion in the patty too.”

Ash hands him a small paper cup of ketchup. “Put this on it, it helps give it more moisture.”

“Yeah, if you’re a heathen who likes tomatoes.” I roll my eyes, not understanding my brother’s love for the stuff.

“We usually eat plain food in Abnegation. Chicken, rice, frozen vegetables, that sort of thing.” Shuî puts the ketchup on and takes a bite. His eyes widen, and he takes another bite, and another.

“Whoa, there, bud. Don’t eat too fast or you might get sick.” I chuckle.

“You know why those taste so good?” A tall, blue haired Dauntless boy says as he plops into the seat next to me. “They’re made from the members who don’t make it.”

Shuî drops the burger.

I look at the boy, knowing he’s lying but not understanding why. But then I notice the screws in his ears, the cross made of nails dangling from his neck, and the mischievous grin on his face, and I remember him. This is Infinity Perkins, the boy who told everyone from Abnegation to suck his cock.

“Welcome to Dauntless, guys!” He takes three hamburgers and puts them on his plate. “I’m Fin, your welcoming committee to Dauntless.”

Ash smirks. “Committee? Even though there’s a whole lot of you-” A comment that must be referring to his height, since he’s as thin as a rail, “You’re not much of a committee. More of a madman.”

Fin laughs really loud, and it startles me. “I like you, man.” He looks down at me. “And who’s this cutie?”

I blush. Goddamn it. I didn’t expect anyone to flirt with me, especially with my hair looking as bad as it does.

“That’s my brother, Crimson.” Ash says. “Oh, and I’m Ash.”

“Oh, you’re that boy with the great tits!” He claps a hand on my shoulder and laughs. “I heard some of my older Dauntless friends talking about you. A few of them are putting money on you being the surprise underdog.”

“You guys bet on initiates?”

Fin’s grin is wide, and one of his front teeth is missing. Is that common in Dauntless? “Yeah. A lot of them are betting on me for top ten, but that’s a lousy investment.” He takes a large bite from his burger and swallows. “They should be betting on me being first.”

Good god he’s a cocky little shit.

“Shuî, you do realize he was joking about the whole ‘burgers are human flesh’ thing, right?” Ash asks, laughing a little.

“Yeah, I just… I’m not really hungry anymore.” Shuî says, looking at the ground. Honestly, I don’t really blame him. I was already nervous before, but now I think I have to be done.

“Fin, come on, man, you ruined burgers for a poor, helpless soul. What kind of ‘welcoming committee’ would do that?” Ash pouts, though it’s clearly fake.

“He never had burgers before?" Fin shakes his head. "Man, you Stiffs are weird."

"Well, I'm not a Stiff anymore." Shuî looks him in the eye, challenging him. Of course, Fin is intimidating as shit, and those deep blue eyes scare Shuî away after a moment.

The dining hall quiets down. I turn to see a Dauntless man, not much older than us, with greasy, long hair and too many piercings to count. He must be important, because everyone stares.

"Who's that?" I ask.

"Fuckin' Eric Coulter." Fin's nose shrivels up in disgust. "One of the new leaders of Dauntless. Transferred in from Erudite and got second place, so he got a cushy job. He's a real asshole."

"Who got first?" Ash asks.

"Four."

I look over, and coincidentally, Eric is talking to Four. They seem tense, and I can understand why. But wait, if Four got first, why didn't he become a leader?

The more I look at Four, the more I realize how game he looks. He doesn't have any facial piercings, like Eric's entire face or Fin's nose, and he doesn't have any visible tattoos, though there might be some under his shirt. He's handsome, not in a Dauntless way, but in a plain sort of way.

"He's not Dauntless born either, is he?" I ask.

"Nope. Don't remember where he's from, and he certainly isn't telling." Fin shrugged and finished off his second burger. Damn, he eats fast.

"He's from Abnegation." Shuî says, staring right at him. "I don't remember anything about him, but he went to my church."

I can tell Shuî's lying and knows exactly who Four is. But why would he not just say it? Maybe Four's someone important. Who in Abnegation is important? And notably, who left?

The pieces click into place.

One, the Erudite's articles about Abnegation cite abuse, especially from a certain Marcus Eaton.

Two, Marcus had a son that escaped to Dauntless.

Three, they have the same deep blue eyes, monotone voice, and stiff posture.

Four is Tobias Eaton.

I look at Ash, and it seems like he's figured it out too. Do I say something? Obviously, he doesn't want his identity revealed, because he would have gone by Tobias. Plus, I'm sure he'd get harassed by people who don't understand abuse, calling him a coward. Ash seems to agree that we shouldn't say anything. So, if we're correct, Erudite's articles are true, at least to an extent. I've always written them off as gossip, unfounded in reality and only existing to cause trouble, but now I'm not so sure.

Who else in this room has already figured it out? I'm not clever enough to have made the connection without Shuî mentioning that he's from Abnegation, but an observant person may connect the dots. Eye color isn't the only clue, but that combined with their similar faces, I'm sure someone else knows.

I bite my lip. If this is all true, what else is? The Prior family helping the faction hoard food? Are they abusive too? Both of their kids fled. And what about all of the other accusations? Are they shots in the dark, or do they know much, much more than I gave them credit for?

And what about Shuî? He has a knife. Why does an Abnegation boy need a knife?

I look into his eyes, hoping to find answers, but I only get more questions.

Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"The first thing you'll learn today is how to use a gun. The second is how to win a fight." Four says, voice serious as always. I knew he'd be overseeing our training, but I didn't know he'd be directly training our group. Lucky us.

He passes out the guns, and I take mine apprehensively. Logically, I know it's just a tool, but it's so much more. It's the power to change someone's life forever. It's the power to kill. Holding it makes me feel cold and wrong, but I swallow those feelings.

I signed up for this. This is what I have to learn.

“We believe that preparation eradicates cowardice, which we define as the failure to act in the midst of fear,” says Four. “Therefore each stage of initiation is intended to prepare you in a different way. The first stage is primarily physical; the second, primarily emotional; the third, primarily mental.”

"What does firing a gun have to do-" Peter yawns. "With bravery?"

Four presses his gun to Peter's temple. "Wake up. You're holding a loaded gun, you idiot. Act like it."

His yawn triggers me to yawn. Yawns are a funny thing; we still don't know what causes them. I've always been a sympathetic yawner. Thinking about yawning makes me yawn again.

Ash yawns from across the room. Did he get enough sleep last night? I heard thrashing, but there's a good chance it was Will. Jeez, he thrashes so much. One time, when we were thirteen, our apartment was being renovated and I needed to sleep at his place. We shared a bed, since neither of us wanted to sleep on the floor, but while he slept, he kicked me off the bed. Literally, he thrashed so much I fell on the floor. We laugh about it now, but my back hurt so bad back then.

I'm glad Will accepts my gender identity without question. He was a little upset that I didn't say anything back in Erudite, but mostly because he kept calling me a girl and accidentally upsetting me.

"And to answer your question-" Oh, right, I'm supposed to be paying attention. "You'll be less likely to soil yourself and cry for Mommy if you're prepared." I mean, he's right. It still doesn't make me feel any better about having a gun.

"Now, let me demonstrate the proper technique."

And something very important occurs to me. Four is a terrible instructor.

I mean, seriously! He "shows" us how, but doesn't really explain how anything works. Did he even want to teach? I mean, I'd rather have him than Eric --those poor souls that got stuck with him, if he's also an instructor-- but man, he's awful. He clearly didn't come from Erudite.

Well, I suppose that's not true. Erudite members often don't make the best teachers. They have a hard time dumbing down complex ideas for the common people.

I copy the movements of the people around me, taking into account their mistakes. The kickback startles me the first time, and it nearly hits my face, but I'm able to correct for it the next time.

A few minutes later, I'm the first to hit the target. It's not the center, not even close, but it's there. Shortly after, Ash hits his target. But hey, I was still first. Being siblings, we were often pitted against each other, mostly as a joke, but I always feel a sense of confidence when I'm better than him at something, no matter how rare that may be.

After a while, Tris is the only one who hasn't hit the target yet.

"You know," Will says. "Statistically speaking, you should have hit the target by now."

"Is that so?" Tris says with absolutely no inflection.

"Yeah. I think you’re actually defying nature." He smirks and hits the target again.

"Stop being such a dick, Will." But I'm still smiling, because I'm used to him being a pedantic shit.

"What, you and I both know spite is an excellent motivator." He shrugs. And soon enough, Tris hits the target, much closer to the center than my first shot was. "You see, statistics don't lie."

She smiles a little, and I roll my eyes. "Yeah, yeah, you were being helpful and totally not just a meanie."

"Your words carry such venom, Crimson."

God, he's such a sarcastic snot. I love him so much, he's my best friend ever.

By the end of our practice, I ended up being one of the most consistent shots. Sure, Ash hit dead center a ew more times than I did, but he also missed more. Once I got the hang of things, I was hitting the center ring almost every time. Maybe initiation won't be so bad after all.

0-0-0-0-0

Lunch is a bit quieter than last night. It's mostly initiates, but there's still a few older Dauntless who come by and take food off the platters to take back to their workplaces. It's all sandwich stuff, mostly deli meats, but a few leaves of lettuce find their way on to other people's sandwiches.

We idly chat about our training. Fin reveals that most of them already had some level of practice with guns, so they had harder to reach targets, like ones peeking out behind walls or hiding in the ceiling. Honestly, it sounded really fun.

After a few minutes, I catch Shuî making the most disgusted face. I follow his eyes and see Myra and Edward kissing. They're always like this.

"What's up, Shuî?" Ash looks over too.

"A kiss is not something you do in public." Shuî tears his eyes away and looks back down at his food.

Fin starts laughing, just a little too loud than warranted. "Holy shit, Stiff, I didn't realize you were that much of a prude!"

Ash laughs a little too. "Even in Erudite, kissing is fine, as long as you're not jamming your tongues down each other's throats."

"Looks like you have a lot to learn then, Ash." Fin smirks, and then pulls him into the deepest kiss I've ever seen.

Holy shit. They've known each other for eighteen hours, and then they just… they're just making out. And I really, really don't want to watch. At first, it feels like a joke, and they'll stop any second, but nope, they just keep going and going.

Shuî looks like he's about to die of embarrassment. I've never seen anyone redder, and that's including myself when I'm sunburnt.

"Hey, uh, you want to sit somewhere else?" I ask, standing up.

"Please."

I scan the room and find a couple of empty seats next to Will and his friends. Good. It's a shame I haven't been able to sit with him before. Well, I guess there's only been two meals before this.

"Hey, Will, you mind if we sit here?" I ask.

"Not at all. What's up?"

I sit next to him, and Shuî sits across from me. "Okay, so, you know how Edward and Will started making out, right?"

"A kiss still isn't something you do in public." Tris shakes her head.

"Shuî said the exact same thing!" I laugh a little. "So yeah, Shuî said that, then Fin laughed about how much of a prude he is, and then Ash said something, and that's the story of how my brother's making out with some Dauntless guy he met less and a day ago."

Will glances over. "Holy shit, they're really into it."

"Nah," Christina says. "It's mostly for show."

That's less reassuring. Honestly, I don't want to think about it either way.

"It's the first time I've seen two boys kiss." Shuî says, still looking down at his food.

The rest of us, minus Tris, all look at each other. I know Abnegation members are mostly straight, but really? Never even seen a gay kiss?

"Gay marriage is illegal in Abnegation." Tris says. "Marriage is for procreation."

I should have known that. "Man, that's dumb as shit." I shake my head.

"Isn't Abnegation suffering a population crisis?" Will adds. "I know it's not as bad as the Dauntless one, but the birth rate is still below the death and
transfer rate."

"Still, it's not like being gay is a big deal." Al shrugs. He smells like lemongrass. Did he take soap from home? The Dauntless soap smells kind of weird. "It's just a part of who you are."

“It really is a big deal.” Shuî’s eyes were wide. “Like, what about your family? How are you supposed to live without bringing forth children? How can anyone be okay with contributing to the population crisis?” He shakes his head. “I can’t wrap my head around just… being okay with that.”

“Actually, not everyone is required to have kids in order to keep a population going,” says Will. “And couples that can’t conceive, whether it be because they’re gay or infertile or whatever, can alway adopt children that have been left behind. If every couple had children, then there would be less resources to go around.” He shrugs. “We already don’t have enough to support all the factionless.”

Shuî stays quiet, and I can tell he’s contemplating things. He has an odd guilty look on his face. Why would he be guilty?

Oh.

Shuî’s gay.

Oh.

I glance over to Will, and he seems to have caught on too. Al and Christina give each other a knowing smile, while Tris pushes her peas around on her plate, tuned out of the conversation entirely. Even here in Dauntless, she’s still choosing plain food. Why are they even serving peas with sandwiches anyway?

“Also, you’re going to see a lot more LGBT people here in Dauntless.” Will says. “Non-traditional relationships are apparently the most prevalent here. At least percentage wise.”

“Candor has high rates too.” Christina says. “Though, we’re probably the most honest with our stats, all things considered.” Then, after a moment, she adds, “I’m bi, by the way. In case anyone has anything to say about it.”

“Same.” Will and I both say. He continues, “Yeah, it’s a running joke that half of teenage Erudite are bi. They say it’s because everyone want to learn everything, including about sex.” It’s true, at least among our friends. Myra and Edward are both bisexual as well, and quite a few of our aquaintences were too. Sebastian was our token straight friend.

My heart aches every time I think about Sebby, and it’s only been a day. I hope it gets easier, but I know it won’t, at least for a while.

"Hey, I think it's time to get back to training," Al says after a few minutes. I look over to the doors, and a few other groups seem to be heading back to the training rooms.

As I throw away my food, I look over to Shuî. Poor kid. Hopefully Dauntless will suit him much better.

0-0-0-0-0

Four is much better at showing us how to fight. He demonstrates each punch with care, showing them in slow motion so we can copy his movements before striking the bag with full force. He's strong, stronger than anyone I've known, other than maybe Edward.

Edward already seems to know everything Four demonstrates. He's been studying hand to hand combat since he was ten, so this must be cake to him. Myra has good form as well, but she seems to be struggling to get the power required.

Will and Ash have little difficulty learning how to throw a punch. I'm glad, because I'm struggling. If all three of us struggled, we might be fucked, but if those two can do well, that's all that matters to me.

Then again, it would feel really good to be able to get this goddamn bag to move. No matter how hard I try, I can't get it to budge. The thing probably weighs as much as I do.

At some point, Four comes up to me. "You seem frustrated."

"You think?" I huff, trying one of the punches again. "Can't even make this thing move."

"Don't worry about having the required force yet," Four says. "You're small and untrained. It's not surprising you don't have the muscle yet."

"Gee, thanks." I roll my eyes.

"Don't worry about power. Get your technique down first." Oh, that actually sounds reasonable. "And since you're small, focus on your speed. Maneuverability is something a lot of first time fighters take for granted. You may not be able to take a punch, but that doesn't have to matter if you don't get hit."

I smile a little and look up at him. He's handsome. Of course, flirting with my instructor would be highly inappropriate. And besides, I really don't want to deal with a former Abnegation and all of their romantic hangups. And besides, he's professional. It's not like he'd ever flirt back, even if I did try. Flirting would lead to all sorts of trouble. Favoritism. Rejection. Potentially getting fired, depending on how Dauntless works. He wouldn't risk it, right?

And then his hand is on Tris's stomach. He's practically whispering in her ear, and she's blushing like mad. She doesn't seem scared, at least.

Eh, at least she's prepared to deal with Abnegation's hang ups. I just hope she's not being taken advantage of.

Does she know he's Tobias Eaton? She's got to, right? She's not stupid, as far as I know. Maybe they flirted back in their home faction and are just picking back off where they left off.

I really hope Four isn't just being a creep.

0-0-0-0-0

By the end of the day, my body is so sore. I'm never hurt this much. My knuckles are split, and every part of my body that hit the punching bag stings.

I'm not strong enough for this. How am I supposed to continue when my body is already? Tomorrow's just going to be worse.

I look over at Ash. He seems tired too, but a happy kind of exhaustion. He seems fulfilled. His hands are bruised and split, like mine, and somehow he has a bruise on his neck.

Oh wait. That's a hickey.

"So, you going to sit with your new boyfriend?" I ask. God, I really don't want to think about it, but it just kind of slipped out.

"Boyfriend?" Ash quirks an eyebrow. "Fin and I aren't dating."

"Oh." I mean, of course they wouldn't be. You wouldn't date someone you just met. You'd just jam your tongue down their throat and-

God that imagery is gross. Tongues are gross. Why would you kiss somebody using your tongue anyway? It's not like I haven't kissed anybody. I've kissed both Will and Sebastian in slaphappy games of Candor or Dauntless. Also, on a field trip when I was fourteen or so, some random Amity girl kissed me goodbye. All of those kisses were light, lips only. Every other kiss I've had were cheek or forehead kisses.

Still, part of me wants to know what it's like to kiss someone with tongue. Most of me doesn't, but there's a speck of curiosity that I can't quite contain.

"Yeah, honestly, I don't think it's going to happen." Huh. I try to read Ash's face, and he just seems so casual about it. "It was funny as a joke, but I didn't feel any spark, you know?"

Yeah, I know. I feel that spark with basically everyone. I'm just not used to it meaning anything, since I'm too much of a coward to go for it.

"I think your 'joke' made Shuî reexamine his entire life." I glance back at Shuî, who's in the back of our group, staring at the ground as he walks. He doesn't hear us. Good.

"Damn, Abnegation is screwed up. Boy doesn't even want to watch two lanky ass Dauntless make out." He shakes his head, a grin on his face. "What a shame."

“For one, no one wanted to watch it. It was gross and you should feel bad.” I stick out my tongue in disgust. “But two, I think he did want to watch.”

Ash takes a second to process. “Oh, he’s gay? Is that supposed to be surprise?”

“To us, no, but to him?” I glance back again. He’s still not paying attention. Thank God the path from the training room to the Canteen is safe. “I don’t think he ever let himself even think about it.”

“Damn. And I thought Erudite could be insufferable about it. Remember that Life Sciences teacher who kept insisting that being gay was a genetic anomoly that they still haven’t found a cure for?” Ash rolls his eyes. “It’s like he’s never even heard of the Gay Uncle Theory.”

“Isn’t that the one where if a parent has a gay or otherwise non-reproducing sibling, their own child will be better taken care of because it’s like they have three parents instead of two?” I say, knowing I’m right. “We talked about this sort of thing at lunch. You know, while you were busy making out with a stranger.”

Ash chuckles and shoves me to the side slightly, like we did when we were kids. We used to be reprimanded for it, as professionalism was a virtue even at the age of seven, but here it just seems natural. In fact, everyone around me is acting like a kid. When we get to the Canteen, half the Dauntless are involved in a food fight, lobbing mashed potatoes and peas at each other. Part of me is horrified at the amount of food their wasting, but a new part swells with childish joy.

Maybe I do belong here. Maybe just by joining, I can gain the virtues necessary to succeed.

A glob of mashed potato lands in my hair, and I burst out laughing.

Yeah, I’ll make it.

Chapter 6

"I want to get a tattoo," Al announces after dinner. Shuî and I sat with their group again, and this time, Ash joined us. Fin sat elsewhere, presumably with other friends.

 

"Why?” I ask at the same time that Will asks, “A tattoo of what?”

 

Al seems almost giddy. “I don’t know.” He laughs. “I just want to feel like I’ve actually left the old faction. Stop crying about it.” He looks to the ground, and no one replies. “I know you’ve heard me.”

 

“Yeah, learn to quiet down, will you?” Christina pokes his arm. It sounded so mean, but Al doesn’t seem too bothered. Candor’s weird like that. They don’t take personal offense to things as much. “I think you’re right. We’re half in, half out. If we want all the way in, we should look the part.” She gives Tris a pointed look.

 

“No. I will not cut my hair,” She says. “Or dye it a strange color. Or pierce my face.”

 

“What about your belly button?” Christina asks.

 

“Or your nipple.” Will snorts.

 

Tris groans as I elbow Will in the stomach.

 

“You know, Will,” Ash says. “The way you said that kind of implies she only has one nipple.”

 

“Hey, we don’t know that she doesn’t.” Will shrugs. “Only one way t-”

 

I elbow him harder. “Stop right there. Don’t embarrass her.”

 

“Fine,” He groans. Whoa, did I do any actual damage?

 

“Actually, I’ll meet you guys at the tattoo parlor in a bit. I need to take Tris and Shuî clothes shopping.” Christina says.

 

“Why?” Shuî asks.

 

“What is wrong with my clothes?” Tris asks. “I’m not wearing grey anymore.”

 

“They’re ugly and gigantic. And Shuî, you’re wearing a turtleneck in June. You’re actually going to die if you don’t wear something lighter.” She sighs. “Look, if you guys don’t like what I put you in, you don't have to wear them again, I promise. And honestly, I just want to go try makeup."

 

Right, Candor can't wear makeup. I understand why, but it's dumb. "I'll go with you if you want makeup advice! And besides, I need some shirts that aren't form-fitting."

 

"Eh, I'll come too. All my shirts may as well be crop tops." Ash says. I'm sure we can find something to fit him, given that Fin's a couple inches taller and has fitting clothes. Though, Fin is all leg, so maybe that won't help in the shirt department. Oh well, it's worth a shot.

 

We go up one of the narrow, twisting paths in a line because that's all we can fit. I'm sure we're holding up all the Dauntless, but I can't imagine running on something twenty feet in the air and steadily rising.

 

After a couple minutes, we arrive at Dauntless Outfitters. It looks like there are a few more boutiques up further, but I really don't want to climb that high. 

 

"Welcome to Dauntless Outfitters!" A woman with a million different ear piercings and triangle tattoos on her cheeks says in greeting, clapping her hands together. "I'm Jaquie. Are you guys new to Dauntless?"

 

"What, did Turtleneck overhear give us away?" Christina grins.

 

Jaquie laughs a little. "Well, if you're looking for inspiration, our store and the other stores have put together a catalog to help new Dauntless find their style." She hands us a couple of magazines. "The stores higher up cater to more stylized looks, while our store covers the basics. We also have a thrift section in the back with discounted items from various stores, so you may be able to find the perfect piece of clothing for you!"

 

Christina hands back the magazine. "Thank you, but I already have a few ideas for Tris here. Ash, Crimson, you guys got Shuî?"

 

"Yeah, sure!" I grin.

 

"Good luck. You'll need it." She takes Tris and leads her over to the dress section.

 

"Wow, she's blunt." Ash snorts. "Yo, sorry to ditch, but I need to find the Big and Tall section, so have fun!"

 

"Oh, okay…" I've never even dressed myself like a proper boy, especially not a Dauntless boy. How am I supposed to figure out something that Shuî will agree to?

 

"Hey, you want to look through the catalog?" Shuî asks. "Because I thought I was dressed fine, so I'm hopeless without help.

 

"Yeah, let's."

 

We sit down on a bench and hold it between us. Honestly, there's a lot of variance. There's casual looks with just tee shirts and jeans; more utilitarian outfits with lots of pockets, even some built in places to store guns or ammo; some that almost look like they came out of Candor, with sharp angles and bold expressions; even professional looks, which I didn't expect, but man can that blonde model rock a blazer. 

 

That blonde model is really pretty, actually. She has warm brown eyes, and even in the more serious pictures, you can tell the serious expression she's wearing breaks into a laugh the moment the camera is put away.

 

"Oh, hey, it's me!" 

 

I look up, and yep, that's the model, grinning wildly.

 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to butt in, I just saw one of my pictures and got excited." She giggles. "I'm Marlene. I take it you guys are new to Dauntless?"

 

"Oh, uh, yeah." God she's pretty. "I'm Crimson, by the way."

 

"Oh, you're the boy, aren't you?" The boy. You know, when I came out as transgender, I didn't think everyone would immediately catch on. I thought I'd constantly have to reintroduce myself, but so far, everyone seems to know who I am. I guess I'm recognizable. I'm short with a big nose and bright red hair. Speaking of hair, I really should get mine fixed. It's still strange, though. People know who I am. They're taking bets on me. 

 

"Yeah, I am." I smile a little.

 

"And let me guess, you're that Abnegation boy."

 

Shuî looks surprised anyone noticed him. "How did you-"

 

"You're wearing a turtleneck in June." She grins. "It's pretty obvious you've never gotten to choose your own clothing."

 

Shuî looks down at the ground.

 

"Anyway, I'm off to drop some clothes off at the thrift section. The drawers in the dorms don't hold that much, so I figured it's time to let some go. It was nice to meet you guys!" Marlene bounces off and starts talking to a girl with a shaved head who’s holding a couple bags of clothes. She seems happy to be with Marlene, but the second she catches my gaze, she scowls like she’d rather be anywhere else. It seems so fake though. Does she just want to seem tough in front of initiates? Because if so, I really don’t mind what other people do. In fact, it’s nice to see even the tough Dauntless being human.

 

“So, uh, have any ideas in mind?” Honestly, I can’t see him going for anything other than a plain style, at least on his own. Maybe it’s for the best. I’ll probably end up less adventurous than most as well. I just want clothes with pockets.

 

“Not really.”

 

“Well, let’s head to the thrift section then. I don’t know how many points we’ll get over the course of Initiation, so I don’t want to spend a bunch, you know?”

 

“I just think it’s weird having a choice in my own clothing.” Good God, they didn’t even have a choice in clothing? Then again, who would choose ugly, gigantic robes? “I’ve never had money of any kind to spend for myself, either.”

 

“So, was everything just delivered to you then?” I ask as we start heading back to the thrift room.

 

"We picked up new clothes every six months. Food was every two weeks. You got what you got."

 

"Wait, so what about food allergies?" 

 

Shuî shrugged. "Some people would work with you. Others would say it's selfish to ask for something different."

 

"Even if it's something you can't eat?" I shake my head. "I see why you left."

 

When we get to the thrift area, I instantly notice that there's no Women's or Men's sections. Instead, it's just organized by size. I mean, I did see a couple men wearing skirts in the catalogue. Is clothing just not gendered here? I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong, but if cis men wear skirts, then even if I dress masculine, people will just assume I'm a girl in men's clothing. Is that selfish? Probably. Luckily, I didn't get Abnegation on my aptitude test. Still, it's a rude take that I need to get over. Clothing shouldn't be gendered, even if it would be convenient.

 

"Uh, what size am I?" Shuî asked. "I'm assuming I'm not small."

 

I look him up and down. He's relatively tall, around six feet, but thin as a toothpick. "Probably medium on shirts. With pants, maybe a 28 or a 30? Your shirt's kind of loose, so it's hard to see exactly." He looks around the store, wide eyed. "Hey, why don't you pick a few pieces and we'll go from there? Meet at the changing room in ten minutes?"

 

"Oh, uh, sure?" 

 

I feel bad leaving him on his own, but I need to get clothes for myself too. Ten minutes should be enough time to at least grab some shirts. I worry for a moment that there won't be many plain t-shirts, but then I stumble upon a rack that's literally just black t-shirts. Perfect. I try to grab ones that'll be comfortable to train in, since that's what I'll be doing most of the time. I try to get comfy athletic shorts to match, though I do grab a couple that are more pocket than pants. While I’m at it, I grab a few sports bras that will hopefully flatten down my chest a bit. 

 

I met Shuî back at the changing area. "Find anything you like?"

 

"Maybe?" That's not a good sign. I still down my basket and look through his. It's all long sleeves.

 

"Shuî. It's summer. Get some short sleeves, please." I groan. Am I going to have to wrestle him into properly fitting clothing? 

 

"It's just… Abnegation forbade short sleeves. It's not something I'm used to." He shook his head.

 

"Look, I'm not asking you to strip down in front of everyone. I just don't want you to overheat." I pinch the bridge of my nose. Good Christ, Abnegation has failed this boy. "Please. Just some short sleeves. Nothing more. I promise." 

 

Shuî mulls it over for far longer than he should. It's really starting to get on my nerves. "Okay, let's go find some."

 

A few minutes later, I've finally wrangled him into some short sleeved shirts. Why did that take so much effort? He steps out of the changing area, and he looks good. I knew he would. He crosses his arms in front of his chest, and he looks down at the ground. "I feel naked."

 

"You look good though." I smile. "You, uh, have good arms. That probably sounds weird." How'd he get so strong looking anyway? Sure, he's skinny, but in a muscley way, apparently. What did Abnegation do to him?

 

I find out a moment later.

 

He turns around to go try a different one on, and I realize the back of this shirt goes down further than I expected, and the hem's a little high up. Okay, not a shirt for someone his height. But beyond the too small fabric, I can faintly make out scars. Not the kind of scars you get as a child playing in places you're not supposed to. No, they're the kind that come from whips, chains, belts.

 

Oh.

 

"Shuî?" I ask, my hand slowly reaching out to touch them. I pull it back, realizing that touching him wouldn't be a good idea. "Did they hurt you in Abnegation?"

 

Shuî's eyes are blank as he swivels them towards me. "I wasn't the kind of Abnegation they wanted me to be." He shrugs slightly. "It's normal."

 

"Shuî, that's not normal." My eyes start to water. How long did he live like this? Is this what every Abnegation child goes through? The reports are right after all.

 

"It's how it is." And to hear his voice so defeated? It breaks me. I can't stop myself, so I wrap my arms around him and press into his back. He stiffens at the sudden touch.

 

"I'm so sorry you had to go through that. That's not fair." I try and stifle my sobs. After all, we're still in a clothing store's dressing room. 

 

"Crimson, it's okay. Next year, Jiao will transfer to Amity, and everything will be okay." Is he crying to? His voice is hitching, at least. "Then we'll never have to think about that place again."

 

We stay the for a moment before he finally relaxes, and I stop crying and let go of him. I glance around. No one's around. Good. 

 

"Hey, can you keep this between us? For now anyway."

 

Part of me wants to tell him to let everyone know how bad it really is, to get the word out, to tell the truth. But he's not ready yet, and I can't force him. We only arrived yesterday, after all. He's still dealing with it. "Of course."

 

I hope his sister will be okay. 

 

After a moment,we get back to him trying on clothes. He finds some he likes, and a couple that he doesn't like the texture of. We run to get him some shorts too, though they also make him somewhat uncomfortable. He takes a deep breath and pushes through, and soon, he has enough clothes to actually get him through the summer. 

 

"Hey, guys."

 

I turn to see Ash leaning against a pole, dressed in entirely new clothes. Combat boots, shorts with chains hanging off the belt loops and criss crossing over each other, a snapback hat with the bill pointing backwards, and a tank top where the arm holes go all the way to the bottom. He looks like a jackass.

 

"Why are you dressed like Fin?" Shuî asks.

 

Oh, my god, he is, but he's failing to capture the aesthetic. Sure, Fin may be skinny, but there's also muscle. Ash isn't necessarily the stereotypical Erudite dough-boy that some people picture, but he's certainly not well muscled. Even his legs don't compare to the average Dauntless.

 

"What do you think?" He asks, putting his hands behind his head.

 

"I think you need to shave your pits." I smirk.

 

"Hey, look at your legs. You can't tell me to shave anywhere." He laughs.

 

"My legs? Your hair is black. Look at your own goddamn legs, they're worse than mine." Besides, it's not like shaving your pits is hard. Legs are a commitment. 

 

"Hey, my hair's not staying black." 

 

"It's not?"

 

He comes up and shows us a small clump. Quite a few silver hairs are poking through. "Already going grey. May as well bleach it white and have fun with it." 

 

"I didn't realize it was possible to go grey this early." Shuî comments. 

 

"Yeah, Dad has been at least mostly grey in all my memories of him." Ash stands up straight and fixes his hair. "Grandpa was too, I think." 

 

Oh yeah, Grandpa. It's been a couple years since he's visited from Candor. After all, lawyers are always busy. Sometimes I got the impression that the father/son relationship there was strained, but Grandpa always brought us pastries from a cafe in Candor. After all, he was the only grandparent we ever spoke to. Ash's mom's family had allegedly disowned her before she passed. My mother and her parents didn't speak. According to her, she went a different direction in life than they wanted, so they didn't speak. She always reassured me that they all still loved each other, even if they didn't like each other. And my dad's parents? Well, I don't even know my dad, so it would make no sense for me to know his parents. Erudite in general wasn't known for strong extended family relationships. 

 

Part of me wants to ask Shuî what grandparents are like in Abnegation, but I think back to the way he was earlier and decide otherwise. 

 

"Anyway, you guys want to go check out the makeup section?" Ash asks. I don't plan on wearing it much during initiation, but I may as well buy some for days off. I shrug. "Shuî, want me to do your makeup for you."

 

"I've, uh, never worn any. Abnegation forbids it. Also, uh, I kinda thought it was for girls." 

 

I can't help it. I throw my head back as I laugh. "Boy, have you ever even seen an Erudite? Boys wear more makeup than girls, I swear." It feels nice to be able to include myself in that statement. I don't have to be careful about not saying "other boys", because now everyone knows I'm a boy. Sure, I may not be a natural born boy, but I'm sure Fin's hair isn't naturally blue, so what's the difference? No one here in Dauntless seems to give a shit, and it's perfect.

 

"I won't put that much on you, I promise." Ash smiles. "I just think you'll look good, you know?" 

 

Shuî blushes a little. "Oh, uh, I guess that's alright then."

 

The three of us pay for our clothes, then head over to the makeup section of the store. I look around, and there's far more color than I've ever seen in makeup. Back in Erudite, even though we did elaborate looks, we stuck to neutrals and blues. The boldest we ever got is white eyeliner. Here, there's neons, pastels, jewel tones, and everything in between. The men and women in the advertisements wore colors of lipstick that I'd never even think to put on my lips. Contouring wasn't the soft, natural look we were used to. Instead, harsh lines and dramatic colors ruled over. Even still, some of the models wore no contour or foundation at all, letting their eyes and lips do all the work. 

 

There's an aisle marked for new makeup artists. In it, there's a build your own makeup kit. Three lipsticks, three eyeliners, two eyeshadow quads, two blushes, a foundation, and a color correcting set for only three points. Sure, none of the products were huge, but it would be enough to figure out a bit more of my own style. 

 

"Here, I'll help Shuî build himself a set. After all, you wrangled him into short sleeves.” Ash says, looking at his arms. “Also, god damn, how did you get so strong in Abnegation, of all places?”

 

Shuî looks down at the ground. “Uh, I guess volunteering helped. I mostly unloaded trucks.” 

 

Still doesn’t explain the knife. Is he ever going to explain that? Then again, I haven’t asked him. Still, I get the feeling that there’s more to his strength than he’s letting on.

 

“Any particular colors you like?” Ash asks.

 

"Uh, I kind of like blue, I guess."

 

I laugh to myself as I walk away. If I have to look at any more blue makeup, I'll scream. 

 

As I walk through the aisle, I let the colors wash over me. Pinks and purples, greens and golds, all kinds of combinations that I'd never even thought about. Some of the quads make sense, and I can imagine where I'd place each color to make a cohesive look. Others just seem like they slapped four random colors that they liked into the pan. Maybe they weren't designed to be cohesive palettes, just little slices of what the creator likes. I end up choosing one with a matte black, shimmery dark grey, a matter light grey, and a sparkling white that would look perfect in my inner corners. For my other quad, I go with a shimmery one with a magenta, a rosy red, a pumpkin orange, and a sunflower yellow. It reminds me of watching the sunset from our apartment building's roof.

 

Lipsticks are a bit of an easier choice. I end up with a classic red, a peachy nude, and for a little variety, a magenta similar to one of the eye shadows. I end up picking that color up again when it's time to pick out eye liners. It's not my favorite color, that would be green, but it's quickly growing on me. My other two choices are a basic black and brown. I know I could get more creative, but it's not like I can't buy any more makeup. The rest of the items are easy, I just need to match it to my skin type. I probably won't use the foundation or color correcting kit very much, considering I'll probably sweat it all off. Besides, I don't love the way foundation looks on me. I like my skin, red splotches, ance and all.

 

After I pay for my kit, I head over to an area where we can apply our new makeup. There's a couple other initiates, former Erudite if I had to guess, gossiping as they put on eyeshadow. Part of me wants to talk to them, make new friends, but I don't want to intrude.

 

"Hey, Crimson!" I turn around, and it's Christina and Tris, wearing brand new outfits. Christina has this really cute crop top with cut outs on the shoulders, and Tris is wearing a simple black dress which would go amazing with a leather jacket. 

 

"Hey, guys! You look good!" I smile.

 

"Thank you! You see Tris, we made the right choice." Christina laughs. "It took us ten tries to find an outfit she liked. Shuî give you trouble too?" 

 

"Oh boy." I laugh. I look back into the store, and I can see him in the aisles talking to Ash. He definitely was trouble, albeit for different reasons. "I had to wrestle him into short sleeves."

 

"It looks like he's at least okay with makeup, though. Tris is refusing."

 

"Like I said, you won't be able to make me look pretty." She crosses her arms defensively. 

 

I frown a bit. "I mean, makeup doesn't necessarily make you pretty, it just enhances the features that you have. And your eyes are gorgeous, and if anyone tells you otherwise, I'll punch them in the face." 

 

Tris seems to think about it. "Do Christina's first. I still need to decide."

 

Christina shrugs and sits down in one of the chairs. She hands me the kit she made and smiles. "I want the boy's jaws to drop when they see me."

 

I smirk. "Oh, we can certainly do that."

 

It turns out, Christina has a really good eye for color. She picked a gold set and a neutral brown quad that'll work perfectly together and bring out the gold flecks in her hazel eyes. It reminds me of the gold eyeliner mom wore sometimes. For once in her life, she's quiet as I apply her makeup. I don't go for the most complicated look, considering we still have to meet the others at the tattoo parlor, but I'm pretty proud of my work. 

 

At some point, Ash and Shuî came in without me noticing. Ash is more focused than I've ever seen him as he carefully applies the blue eye shadow. I decide not to bother him.

 

"Wow, you did amazing!" Christina grins, the deep red lipstick looking so fantastic. Has she really never done makeup? Every color choice she made is perfect. "I don't think I've ever looked this good." She turns to Tris. "You want to look this good too?"

 

Tris seems nervous, so I interject. "We don't have to do as much to you as we did to her. I can just put some eyeliner and maybe a bit of blush if that would make you more comfortable. And I can wash it off if you really don't like it."

 

She thinks for a moment, then nods. "Okay, I'll try it." She trades places with Christina, and I get to work. It takes so much less time to finish her makeup, since I’m just rimming her eyes in a think line of black. I’m tempted to give her a proper cat eye look, but I don’t want to scare her. Also, as I’m working, I notice how good her skin is. She's pale, like me, but the tone is even and she has relatively little ance. Damn, what kind of skin care routines do they do in Abnegation.

 

When I'm done, she looks in the mirror, and for once in the short time I've known her, she doesn't look away. She's captivated by her looks, but not in the vain way many of my fellow Erudite are, but in a curious way, like she's meeting a new person.

 

"You see? You look… striking." It's a backhanded compliment from Christina, but Tris doesn't seem to be offended. Instead, she looks at her reflection with even more intensity. 

 

"Hey, Ash, want us to wait for you or go ahead to the tattoo parlor?" I ask. Part of me wants to try the makeup for myself, but the ideas I have in mind would take up too much time. 

 

"You can go. I'm trying something new." Ash uses his hand to cover up the area he's working on. No spoilers for me, I guess.

 

"Come on, let's show off your work." Christina takes me by the wrist and Tris by hers, and then drags us out of the shop. I'm sure the sight looks funny to an outsider, given how talk she is and how fast she's moving. We duck into the tattoo shop where we agreed to meet, and I'm completely out of breath. I glance up at her, and she seems completely unfazed. At least Tris seems to match how out of shape I am. 

 

When we enter the shop, I'm blinded by the neon lights. How do they work like this? The walls are covered in them, shining various shades of oranges and purples across the shop. Do they just not do color tattoos here? I've seen some on other random Dauntless, so maybe they just go to other shops for those.

 

After a couple moments, we spot the boys. Al's getting a tattoo, and Will is sitting in a chair next to him, laughing about something. We head over, and holy shit, why is all getting a tattoo of a spider? I recoil a bit, trying to hide it so he doesn’t think I’m recoiling at him.

 

When Will looks at Christina, his jaw drops a little. "Wow. I mean, uh, hi." 

 

She smirks at me a little, then turns back to Will, placing her hand on her hip. "Like what you see?"

 

"Yeah, you look great." His eyes linger on her for just a moment before looking at the rest of us. "You all look great." His eyes settle on me. "Did you do this?"

 

"I mean, I put on the makeup, but Christina picked everything out. Honestly, she has a great eye for color." I smile.

 

"Yeah, I've always had a knack for art. It was always my favorite class, even with all of the Amity. I swear they're the fakest people. They act so nice, but man, if you ever hear them gossip, they can be so brutal. Yet Candor gets the bad rep." She shakes her head. "Hey, Will, want to go look at tattoo ideas? I don't think I'm going to get one tonight, but I want to get some ideas for next time."

 

"Yeah, sure!" The two of them go over to one of the columns, taking the glass stencils and showing them to each other. Tris goes to talk to one of the other tattoo artists, leaving me alone with Al and his creepy spider tattoo.

 

He looks at me as I try and look at anything but his shoulder. "You don't like spiders, do you?"

 

"How'd you guess?" 

 

"I'm pretty good at reading emotions, but honestly, even the most emotionally illiterate could get a good read on you." He smiles a little before wincing. Right, tattoos hurt.

 

"Is that an insult? I can never tell with Candor."

 

"Some people might say it like one, but I don't think being expressive is a bad thing. If everyone could just show their emotions and talk things out, the world would be so much better." He paused for a moment. "Oh, and I don't like spiders either. The way they move creeps me out."

 

"Exactly! Like, I know how important they are to the ecosystem, but good god, why do they need so many legs anyway?" Finally, someone who understands. The others would always mock me because they're assholes. I guess it's not the most rational fear, but come one, even Sebby would join in the teasing, and he's normally the nice one. Well, I'm the one who's consistently nice to everyone, but Sebby's almost always nice to me. Anyway, back to the present. "But if you're scared of them too, why are you getting a tattoo of one?"

 

The tattoo artist, a wiry man with an equally wiry grey goatee, speaks up. "In Dauntless, it's customary to get tattoos representing your fears. Some choose to wait until they've overcome the fear, while others get them to help get over it. It's a form of exposure therapy, if you will." He smiles as he works, precise with the needle, hands never shaking or faltering. 

 

"Makes sense." I still don't want a spider permanently tattooed on my skin. Not yet. 

 

We sit in silence for a few minutes. I don't want to ditch him, but I don't really have anything else to say. He seems fine with not talking either, so that's good at least. Sometimes it's nice to just sit with someone and enjoy their company. I've never really gotten much silence from my friends, which is nice in it's own respect, but occasionally I wished they'd just shut up for five minutes.

 

After a little bit, Ash and Shuî finally come into the shop. I look back over at Al. "Hey man, mind if I dip and go talk to them?"

 

"Yeah, no problem." Al grimaces. Another reason I'm not ready for a tattoo: my pain tolerance is shit.

 

"Hope your tattoo turns out well, even if I never look at it!" I get up and bounce over to my brother.

 

Before I can even get in a word, my eyes lock onto Shuî's face. Holy shit, Ash went fucking balls to the wall Avant Garde on him. The look's already dramatic, with a metallic blue gradient of eye shadow and thick black eyeliner pulled up into a sharp wing, but then on the left side of his face (well, his right, but this is my perspective, damn it), the eyeliner doesn't stop. Instead, it curls and cascades down his cheek like vines, tumbling and spiralling. At the ends of each little branch, tiny blue flowers bloom with detail that I wouldn't expect from makeup.

 

"Holy shit, Ash." Also, God damn, Shuî's handsome. "Didn't realize you could do shit like this." 

 

"Neither did I." He smirks and puts a hand on Shuî's shoulder. "Luckily I have a willing test dummy here."

 

Shuî flushes a little. "It still feels weird, but I kind of like it. It's different."

 

"Anyway, you guys know what kind of tattoos you're getting?" I ask. 

 

"Yeah." Shuî doesn't elaborate further. I choose not to ask.

 

"I think I'm going to get an eye with the Dauntless flame as the pupil." Ash shrugs. "It's probably generic, but fuck it, you know? You getting anything?"

 

"Not yet. I don't want to get anything I'm not completely sure on. You guys have fun, though!" 

 

The two of them go to the counter, and I'm alone. Do I go back to Al? Nah, he's still wincing over there. Tris? She's getting a tattoo too. Didn't she say she wasn't getting one? Will and Christina? I take a couple steps towards them, about to wave and say hi, but something in my heart says to leave them be. Oh. How did I not notice it earlier? I'm not entirely surprised that Will found someone attractive so soon, but it's fine. Really. I'm not sure if it'll go anywhere, but then again, there's a good chance that at least one of our class will be cut, likely three of us. I just don't want him getting attached and them having to say goodbye in a month. That's all it is.

 

Who am I kidding? She's probably not going to get cut. She's in better shape than most of us. I have nothing to worry about.

 

I could just go back to the dorms, but I don't really like it there. The beds aren't comfy, and none of my friends would be there. So, I decide to look at the glass stencils, maybe find one I like for next time. My eyes settle on a simple one. The Dauntless flame set in a thick black ring. I've never really gotten the chance to appreciate it, but whoever designed it did an amazing job. I pick up the stencil to get a closer look.

 

"You know, I'd say about a third of all initiates get that tattoo." A voice behind me says. I yelp a little, almost dropping the stencil before turning around. 

 

"Holy shit, you scared me." I laugh a little. Fuck, maybe I shouldn't admit that here. 

 

The man behind me isn't that much taller than me, maybe 5'6, and doesn't look that much older either. He's definitely Dauntless, with gauged ears, a nose ring, and tattoos covering half his arms. Does he work here? I glance over and see a name tag. Rex. What kind of name is Rex? 

 

"Honestly, I could probably freehand that design with my eye closed. I'm Rex, by the way." 

 

"Oh, uh, I'm Crimson. And I don't think discouraging people from getting a tattoo is good for business."

 

"I'm not telling you not to get a tattoo. I'm just saying that it's a common one. I guarantee you that someone in this shop is getting that exact one right now." And then I realize Ash is getting one. I guess Rex is right.

 

"You said you could freehand it with your eyes closed?" Fuck it, I'm bored. "Try it on me."

 

"I'm assuming you mean with a pen, right? Because I'm not giving anyone an intentionally shitty tattoo unless they're my friend." He smirks a little and starts heading towards an empty station. "Sounds fun." I put the stencil back and follow him. "Where do you want it, anyway?"

 

"Uh, where's it most common?"

 

"Shoulders are probably the most common, though it would be easier to draw on your shoulder blade." Wait, fuck, I'd have to take off my shirt for that. Is that intentional? Is he trying to get me naked? His expression doesn't seem perverted, and Dauntless isn't exactly well known for concealing emotions that aren't fear. Did he just not think about it?

 

"So, uh, you want me to take off my shirt, right?"

 

His eyes widen, the purple neon reflecting in the piercing grey. "Fuck, that's not… uh, we can just do it on your shoulder if that's more comfortable for you." He looks sincere about it, and given that here in Dauntless, they don't play coy, I believe him.

 

But the idea of being shirtless is actually kind of exciting. After all, other boys take off their shirts all the time. Why should I be any different? Any parts that would say otherwise are compressed and (somewhat) hidden under my sports bra. I know I could get a binder to fully flatten everything down, but given that I'm going to be doing intense physical training, I need all the lung capacity I can get. I'm getting off track. Point is, it's not the end of the world to take my shirt off. I glance around to see if anyone I know is nearby, but the coast is clear. I slide off my shirt, using it to cover my front side. "Fuck it, let's do this."

 

He lays the chair flat, and I get on stomach side down. The leather is cool and strange against my skin. I rest my head on my arms and look back, making sure he keeps his eyes shut. At first, I though his hair was just her black, but from this angle, I can see the dirty blonde roots and stubble. His eyes snap shut the moment his pen touches my skin, and I can feel him trace the large circle. 

 

For a few moments, I stay quiet. I don't want to try and have a conversation if he's concentrating, but I also want to get to know people. Besides, he came up to me, so maybe it's my turn to talk. Still, I don't want to break his focus.

 

"So, you're one of Fin's friends, right?" He asks, breaking the silence. Oh thank God. 

 

"You know him?"

 

"It's impossible not to if you're around our age." He chuckles. Fair point. "Yeah, he's been my best friend growing up. Even though he's a year younger, he's always been able to rough around with anyone."

 

"Is he always as…" What single word could describe him?

 

"Loud?" Close enough. "Yeah, always." His pen presses a little hard into my skin for a moment, but it's back to normal the next.

 

"Sounds exhausting." I laugh a little, careful not to move my back too much. Then again, even if he messes up, it's just ballpoint pen. "So, since you recognized me, I'm assuming he's mentioned me?"

 

Rex laughs as well. "Oh boy, you and your friends were all he talked about last night during his tattoo session. Honestly, he's probably coming in tonight just to tell me more. He really likes you guys."

 

"What did he have to say about me?" I blush a little. I don't know, I just like hearing what other people have to say about me. Or maybe I'm just fishing for praise. Is that really so bad?

 

"Let's see. Tiny redhead who radiates Amity energy like the sun-" Oh, fuck, is it really that easy to tell? "Oh, and that you're adorable, but I doubt he hasn't told you yet."

 

"He has." I still can't believe someone just straight up thinks I'm cute and doesn't hide it. I'm sure he's not the first to be attracted to me, but he's the first to be so open about it. Then again, he made out with my brother earlier, so maybe he just feels that way about everyone. I find a lot of people attractive.

 

"Oh, and just so you know, he may seem incredibly inconsiderate, but if anything he does legitimately bothers you, he'll stop if you tell him." He smirks a bit. "And if he doesn't, just come find me and I'll make him stop." 

 

"Good to know."

 

He ends up telling me stories about Fin when he was younger, and just about Dauntless life in general. It really sounds like life here is just about living as who you are, and it's beautiful. Even though my brain keeps gnawing at me, reminding me that I probably won't make it through the first stage, I hold on to the image of a beautiful Dauntless life. 

 

After a little bug, I hear a familiar stomping. Fin. I can't believe I can recognize his footsteps after a day.

 

"Hey, Rex!" He throws an arm around Rex's shoulders and places a kiss on his cheek, causing his face to contort in mock disgust. At least I assume he's faking it. Fin glances down at my shoulder. "Yo, why you drawing a dick on Crimson's shoulder."

 

Fuck. What? Rex grins deviously and opens his eyes. "Well, someone's got to teach him to watch his back."

 

I groan. At least it'll wash off. Wait, shit, was that a pun? Was he setting this up the whole time?

 

"God damn it, Rex, did you get him shirtless for just another one of your stupid ass puns? I fucking love you so much." 

 

He is right, though. I do tend to trust people, even when I have no particular reason to. I know people lie to me, but I guess I just don't get why people are so cynical all the time. Maybe I should work on that, but it just seems so exhausting to distrust people so much. 

 

Speaking of exhausting, I didn't realize how tired I was until just now. I'm going to sleep so well tonight, so much better than I ever did back home. I love it here, and that's never going to change, even if my friends draw dicks on me.

 

0-0-0-0-0

 

A/N: So hi, this is late. I have no excuse, I'm just lazy. But, on the plus side, I've plotted ahead and have some scenes I can't wait to write. This is not edited, we die like men.

 

So I'm going to be an asshole here and plug the unofficial Divergent Fanfic Discord simply called Divergent. Yeah, we never renamed it after over a year of having it. The invite code is YXGZ88X and shouldn't ever change. What do we do, you may ask? We rip into canon, create headcanons to full in some of the massive gaps the books leave (TBH half of my worldbuilding comes from Ceric, and a good chunk of the rest is from everyone else), and fawn over Jeanine because she's one of the most interesting characters. A couple weeks ago, we actually all (virtually) got together to watch the first Divergent movie, and it was a blast. About one third was ripping into the weird changes they made, another third was poor internet quality and dealing with Kast, and the other third was just me going "oh she's so pretty" about every female character. It was a blast! Come join us if you love/hate the series!

Chapter 7

I slept horribly and I fucking hate it here. The beds suck, everyone snores (especially Will, and I suddenly remember why I hated sleepovers with the boys), and for some god forsaken reason, Eric woke us up by banging pots together. What the fuck is wrong with him? At least he gave us enough time to shower (albeit about a sixth of the time I took back at home, considering I really don't want to spend any amount of time naked with a bunch of near strangers. 

 

Breakfast is quiet, which is fine by me. Everyone seems to be too groggy to talk. It's like home, where whenever we'd stay at one of the boy's places, they'd sleep in as long as I could, except this time I'm just as tired. Fin doesn't join us, and instead I see him sitting with a different group than I saw yesterday. Of course he has a lot of friends. Though, at some point, I want him to meet Will. That would be a treat and a half. 

 

After we eat, we shuffle into the training room. Oh, fuck, Eric's here. Is he going to be observing us? Four's scary enough, but Eric? He's one of the few people I've heard Fin actively dislike. 

 

Our names are written up on the chalkboard, paired up. Will and Al, Ash and Shuî, Christina and Molly, Peter and Drew, Edward and Myra, and Tris and I. 

 

Oh fuck, we're fighting.

 

"Well, well, glad to see all of you initiates bright eyed and bushy tailed." He's absolutely lying, we all look like absolute shit. I know for a fact that my dark circles are back (though, have they ever really gone away? Erudite practically requires them), I didn't put on any makeup, and my hair is still wet. Then again, my hair was almost always at least slightly wet when I arrived at my first class. Even the best hair dryers can't get through over two feet of thick hair. "If you haven't figured it out yet, you'll begin fighting today. For the first hour of your day, you'll be paired up and spar. Afterwards, you'll practice your technique, and then after lunch, you'll go back to target practice."

 

"Your fights will last ten minutes or until there's a clear winner. Please don't try to knock your opponent out, but don't pull your punches either. You'll be scored by your technique and strength, though the numerical values won't be disclosed." God, his voice is so dull. At least Eric has inflection in his tone. "Your rankings-" Oh God, he's still talking. "Will be updated at the end of each week. These rankings are just within your group, and you won't find out how you rank against other groups until the end of Stage One. Even if you're high ranking in your group, if you fall below the twenty-five percent mark, you'll be cut." So literally all of us could fail. Beautiful. Perfect. Absolutely nothing wrong with that.

 

I glance around. Fuck, man, I got stuck in a group with Edward. It's not like I have any massive problems with him (I know he's Will's ex and all, and I know it ended poorly, but it's more that they weren't good for each other than one or the other's fault), but there's no way I'd be able to take him in a fight. Honestly, I probably couldn't take anyone except Tris and maybe Myra. The rest of them? Not a chance. I'm not going to make it above the cut unless a miracle happens.

 

Fuck. Well, if I can win my fight against Tris, I can maybe at least get a bit of a head start. 

 

"I'll only be observing your fights every three days, considering the amount of groups. However, if I hear of anyone slacking while I'm gone, there'll be hell to pay. And if any of you try and back out of a fight before we call it off, there will be consequences. We don't accept cowardice here."

 

Four seems a bit apprehensive about that last statement. "A brave man acknowledges his opponent's strength." 

 

"A brave man never surrenders." Eric smirks, his lip curling up crueky as he looks at all of us like fresh meat.

 

I feel like I'm looking at two different kinds of Dauntless here. We have the brave, honorable kind, and the ruthless kind. I don't necessarily have the highest opinion of Four, since he seems like a buzzkill (I suppose Abnegation would do that to you), but at least he isn't cruel like Eric. 

 

Then Four smirks a bit too. "You're lucky those weren't the rules when we fought."

 

It takes all I can do not to laugh. I glance around, and everyone else is containing it too. So Four does have a sense of humor, even if it's miniscule. 

 

Irritation flashes on Eric's face, but he quickly composes himself. "Will, Al, to the ring!"

 

I don't really want to watch this fight. Al is big, one of the largest here other than Edward and Ash. (Does Ash count as big? He's just tall.) Will, while being a little more sturdily built than me or Ash, is a fucking beanpole compared to him. Even if Al stays gentle, Will's going to take some damage. 

 

My eyes glaze over during the fight. This isn't like the fights in the cafeteria, where they broke out spontaneously. This isn't the Dauntless grudge matches that couldn't wait until after school, the messy Candor breakups that occasionally resulted in slapping, that one Amity chick who went hogwild and attacked a Stiff. I still haven't received an explanation on her, by the way, and that was almost a year ago. 

 

Fin would be disappointed by these fights.

 

I wonder what the Dauntless fights are like. They know their shit, so I'm sure they're a lot more showy. I can imagine Fin's leg careening through the air to collide with a faceless Dauntless's head, only for his opponent to take the opportunity to sweep his remaining leg out from under him. How would Fin counter? I know nothing of his fighting style, but his cocky ass better have the skills to back his shit up. Maybe he'd-

 

Before I can finish the fictional fight in my head, the real fight in front of me comes to a stop. I didn't see how, but Will falls back, celery green eyes rolling back as he lands, his arm awkwardly bent under him. Oh fuck, is he okay? I know there's a mat, so it's not like his head hit the wood floor, but regardless, being knocked out is hard on your brain, regardless. He doesn't get up for a moment, but when his eyes flutter open, I let out a breath I didn't realize I was holding. 

 

"Al wins this match." Four says. "Both of you report to the infirmary and have the nurses check you out. Come back as soon as you get the okay." God, a kid just got knocked out, can you at least show a little emotion, Tobias? I need to stop thinking of his old name. After all, I wouldn't want him calling me Cadence. "Ash, Shuî, to the ring." 

 

I just noticed that he mispronounces Shuî's name. They way he says it, it rhymes with 'Louie', when it should rhyme with (or at least, sound more like 'Lou-ay'. Then again, Marcus got Will's last name wrong, so it must run in the family.

 

I don't want to watch this fight either. I'm not sure who will win. Shuî has more muscle, but seems nervous, unsure of himself. What Ash lacks in muscle, he makes up for in confidence and ambition. I bite at a hangnail.

 

"Nervous?" Myra's standing next to me. I sigh with relief. I haven't gotten to talk to her much, since I don't want to bother her when she's with Edward, and well, she's always with him. Her hair's tied back into a ponytail, and it looks really good on her. 

 

"I don't want to see either of them get their ass kicked." I really fucked up. I should have just gone to Amity. How did I think I could handle this? 

 

"I understand completely." She smiles faintly. 

 

Their fight is barely a fight at first. Ash circles Shuî, avoiding each and every punch with ease, but not throwing any of his own. You'd think his tallness would be a hindrance, but his long legs are working in his favor, for once.

 

"Get on with it, we don't have all day!" Eric rolls his eyes and yawns. 

 

"You ready, Stiff?" Ash smirks. 

 

"I'm not a Stiff anymore." Shuî scowls, putting his arms up defensively. He hasn't left the center of the mat at all.

 

"Then prove it." 

 

All of a sudden, Ash lands a sweeping kick to Shuî's ribcage. Shuî stumbled back, and after a moment, coughs manically. He hold up a hand as a pause, finishes coughing, and then rushes Ash.

 

Ash catches him, but not before Shuî kicks and sweeps Ash's legs from under him. The two of them end up on the floor, and Shuî manages to get a good hit on his face before Ash pins him down. He straddles Shuî's waist and pins his right arm above his head. Unfortunately, that leaves Ash's right hand as the only one free, and I know for a fact he hasn't trained his non-dominant hand very much. He's too proud of his weird genetic anomaly.

 

Wait, is Shuî right or left handed? Ash could have just left himself weak. As Shuî uses his left hand to punch Ash in the jugular, I sigh with relief. He's a rightie. He brings his knees up into Ash's back, but to seemingly no effect.

 

As Ash winds up his next punch, his body shifts just so, and Shuî let's out the most guttural, hurt scream I've ever heard. He stops trying to fight back, and tears stream from his face.

 

"Holy shit, did Ash break his ribs?" Myra whispers as tears fill my eyes. Fuck, Eric, call the fight. It's clear Ash won. He shifts his leg off of where Shuî was hurt, eyes wide and frantic.

 

"Ash is the victor." Four says. Thank God. 

 

Ash gets up and offers his hand to Shuî, but as Shuî tries to stand, he passes out. Fuck. Maybe that's a good thing, maybe he won't feel the pain. Ash scoops him out and carries him out.

 

Myra puts a hand on my shoulder, and I wipe away my tears. Is might fight going to be like that? Am I going to have to hurt Tris like Ash hurt Shuî? Or am I going to be on the ground, unable to beg for mercy?

 

I shudder.

 

Will and Al walk back in just as the boys leave. Good, they're both okay. I knew Al would be fine, but Will looked really rough. 

 

Just when I thought things couldn't be more brutal, Eric calls Christina and Molly to the ring. I overheard a bit of Christina gossiping, and holy shit do they hate each other. If Ash could be so cruel to someone he likes, how is this battle going to turn out?

 

I can't watch. Molly is so much stronger it's not even fair. Christina's trying, she really is, but there's no way in hell she's going to be able to win this. I wince at every strike, and my mind screams for Eric to call it or for her to fall down. But she keeps getting up, and it's so hard to watch.

 

"Stop! Stop! I'm done!" Christina yells after a few minutes. My stomach drops. Eric said no backing down. This won't end well.

 

Eric is calm as he walks up to Christina. "You're done?"

 

Christina sobs and nods.

 

He's quiet as he helps her up. This is bad. Really, really bad. Eric isn't the kind to be quiet about things. He's planning something bad. "Alright, everyone, let's take a break. Clear our heads a bit."

 

I glance over at Four, and he shows no emotion. Maybe it won't be that bad. Or Four's just as uncaring as Eric.

 

We all leave the training room, quiet in fear of directing Eric's rage at us. Even Peter shuts up for once. He's almost gentle with Christina, supporting her as we walk. We aren't going towards the infirmary. Where are we going? I hear the rush of the Chasm, and my stomach drops. No. Fuck.

 

His hand is on the small of her back, now that I look. Gross. 

 

As we cross the bridge, Eric shoves her to the railing. "Climb over."

 

Oh fuck, fuck, she's going to die. He's going to make her leap into the Chasm. I cling on to the nearest person near me, I think it's Al. I can't pry my eyes away to look. 

 

"If you can hang on the railing for five minutes, I can forgive your cowardice." He sneers. 

 

She glares at him, then lowers herself down. For the first couple of minutes, she holds on strong, but then a wave crashes and hits her, leaving her soaking wet. She almost slips, and she lets out a broken sob.

 

I can't look. I bury myself into Al's arm and let the smell of lemongrass take over my senses.

 

"Hey, Red." Eric barks. Is that me? It's probably me, though he could be talking about Drew. I glance up. "Keep your eyes on Christina, or you're joining her."

 

Eyes glued. Got it. God, my stomach's doing flips. 

 

"You can do it, Christina!" Al calls. Wait, why haven't I been encouraging her? I've been so focused on my own fear that I lost sight of hers.

 

"Yeah, go Christina!" Tris yells.

 

"You've got this!" Will says.

 

"You'll make it through this!" My voice is but a whisper compared to all of the shouts. Even Edward and Myra join in, and I swear I hear Drew's voice once in there too. 

 

When her time is up, Eric is an asshole and tries to make her get back up on her own. But Al -brave, sweet Al- essentially tells him to fuck off, and he and Tris help her up. Four does nothing this entire exchange. What a dick. 

 

Now that she's safe, I lean over the railing and vomit. I've always been easily sick, especially when I'm nervous. Myra rubs my back a bit, and I give her a half smile before vomiting again. 

 

I have to do well in these fights. I don't want to be flung over the rails, because I know I won't be able to hold on as long as Christina did. I'm far too weak.

 

Christina sobs into her friends' arms. I want to comfort her, but she's surrounded. I'll make sure to give her a giant hug at lunch. 

 

The fight between Peter and Drew is just as brutal, but at least Drew doesn't back down. That doesn't mean he's braver than Christina, though. It just means he's more scares of the Chasm than Peter. 

 

Edward and Myra's fight is up next. Ash finally comes back, holding a bag of ice to his jaw. "Fucker dislocated my jaw." He smirks a bit, then winces at the pain. Huh, with everything else, I didn't even notice. 

 

"You missed Eric dangling Christina over the Chasm," I tell him. "So, yeah, no surrendering."

 

"Good thing I'm not going to surrender, then." I should've known he'd respond like that. He's always been the competitive type, which is a common trait in Erudite, but now that it's required to advance, I'm sure it's been cranked up to eleven. 

 

Fuck, how am I going to make it here?

 

Edward's taking a defensive stance, letting Myra get in some good hits. She's not doing much damage, but she demonstrates good form. I know as soon as he strikes back, the match will end, so it's nice of him to let her get some points. I'm glad I'm not the one fighting her today, she would definitely kick my ass.

 

Speaking of ass kicking, all too soon, it's my turn to fight Tris. Fuck.

 

We get on the mat, and I notice a blood spatter. Whose is it? I suppose it doesn't matter. God, that's fucked up.

 

She doesn't want to do this either. Her stance is just as unsure as mine. We circle each other, occasionally throwing punches. Eric yawns exaggeratedly. "Get on with it, ladies."

 

"He's not a lady!" Al yells.

 

"Well, he's still fighting like one!" Eric sneers.

 

Is masculinity really rooted in fighting people? Will people think less of my identity because I don't like punching my friends? Or is Eric just being a dick? 

 

I hate that I have to prove him right. There's no escaping it, I have to be violent. Why did I choose this faction? Ash and Will would be fine without me. They might miss me, sure, but they'd sur-

 

Tris punches me in the face. Right. We're still fighting. No time for self loathing. She almost gets another one in, but I catch her arm and punch her in the gut. She manages to break free, but I dodge her next jab. 

 

We continue like this for a while, occasionally landing, but mostly dodging or blocking. Thankfully, she doesn't hit very hard. It's not pleasant, no, but it's not the worst pain I've felt. Unfortunately, I'm doing about the same amount of damage. At the end of this, our knuckles are going to be more bruised than any part of our bodies.

 

At some point, I'm not even sure how, but I end up pinning Tris to the ground. Both her wrists fit under my hand, but she doesn't try hard enough to break them free. Her knees hit my back, much like Shuî did to Ash, but despite not being injured, she seems even more pathetic, like she's never fought before. Then again, neither have I.

 

I raise my arm to punch her in the face, but honestly, I really don't want to. She's fucking helpless, and I don't want to be that kind of person.

 

"Time's up!" Four yells.

 

That was already ten minutes?

 

That was only ten minutes?

 

"Crimson gained the advantage in the end, but both of you need to try harder next time."

 

I stand up, then hold out my hand. She takes it, and while she seems tired, she doesn't seem injured. Four still sends us to the nurse, which is fine by me. I need a few minutes to chill before I train for two more hours.

 

"Hey, sorry if I hurt you at all." I say as we walk.

 

"I'm fine, thank you. Are you okay?" 

 

"Yeah, I'm all good. Guess we should train extra hard, if we can't even hurt each other, huh?"

 

She smiles faintly, which then turns into a grimace. "Yeah, I suppose so."

 

When we walk in, I notice Shuî in one of the beds, propped up into a seated position with bandages wrapped around his midsection. I wave, and he gives me the most relaxed thumbs up I've seen. His eyes are sleepy and barely open, and he's got a massive grin on his face.

 

"Geez, how many painkillers did you give him?" I laugh a little as the pink haired nurse examines me. I look at her name tag. Janet. Huh, not the most Dauntless name. Then again, she's old enough to be my grandma.

 

"Poor boy weighs less than we expected." She clicks her tongue and shakes her head. "You kids need to make sure you're getting enough to eat." 

 

"Will he be okay?" I ask.

 

"He'll be able to go back to training after lunch, if Four sticks to his schedule and has target practice then." Nurse Janet smiles. "I take it you're his friend?" 

 

I nod as she bandages my knuckles. She put this soothing cream on them that makes it feel like they were never injured. "Yeah, I was real worried." It's amazing how great medical technology is nowadays. Broken ribs can heal in a day. Science is cool. 

 

"I already told the tall one, but I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you brought him lunch." She smiles and then pats my hands. "You're all taken care of. If the bandages come loose, just come right back, okay dear?"

 

Being called 'dear' always makes my heart feel fuzzy. I never really had a grandma, so I haven't really heard it much. 

 

And so, it's time for me to go back to training. As much as I'm glad I didn't hurt Tris, I need to be stronger than I am now. Next opponent, I have to actually hurt.

 

The thought makes my stomach flip, and for once, I'm glad it's empty.

Chapter 8

Chapter 8

Ash's POV

Shuî doesn't weigh much more than my brother.

I didn't mean to hurt him like I did. I knew I had to win, but I didn't realize by doing so, I'd crack his ribcage.

When I take him to the infirmary, everyone's on alert. "I think I cracked a couple of his ribs." Why does it hurt to talk?

"Here, lay him down on this cot." As soon as I set him down, a male nurse not much taller than Crimson drags me away, so I have no idea what they're doing to him.

"Christ, I didn't realize that initiates got his rough this early on." He hastily takes me to my own cot, practically shoving me down. "I'm going to have to readjust your jaw, it's going to hurt."

Oh. So that's- "Fuck!" I yell. I didn't even notice it get hurt, so why does fixing it have to hurt.

"Hey, Alexa, can you toss me an ice pack and some pain killers?" The nurse as. I notice his name tag. Aster. Neat name.

When he meant toss, he literally meant toss. At least he didn't ask for a scalpel. Though, I'm sure catching one properly wouldn't be an issue for a Dauntless member. "Here, take these. You're free to go back to training whenever the painkillers kick in." He flips a lock of curly light brown hair out of his eyes and leaves, probably to take care of the duo who just came in.

The meds kick in quick, which is a relief. I hold the ice pack to the spot where he punched me. I didn't think he had it in him, at least when I started the fight. But as I was circling him in the ring, I realized something.

That fucker was holding back.

I'm sure most people thought he was just scared to strike, and I'm sure he was, but not for the reasons most would assume. I think he was scared of hurting me, and frankly, I'm insulted. He thinks I'm not strong enough to use his full potential on? He got himself hurt with that mindset. That one punch he didn't pull was how he should have been fighting the whole match. At least with Crimson, it wouldn't matter if he was trying or not, because the result would still be the same.

Why did Crimson follow me? It sounds wrong, I know, but I had accepted that we were going to drift apart and almost excited that I wouldn't have to coddle him all the time. At least back in Erudite, I had Will and Sebastian to help me deal with him, but Sebastian stayed behind and Will's already found new friends.

Things would have been so much better if he'd just gone to Amity where he belongs. I wouldn't have to worry about him. Here, he's going to get his ass kicked, and if I want to make it into Dauntless, there's nothing I can do.

I shouldn't have told him I'm Divergent. Then, maybe he wouldn't have worried so much.

Divergent. Even just thinking the word sends shivers down my spine. I know people can't read minds, but if what Natalie said was true, than even wearing that fear on my face could mean my death.

How was I supposed to know that choosing both the knife and the cheese wasn't normal? Wouldn't everyone want to be as prepared as possible? Both were useful. The cheese calmed the dog when it attacked me, and when it went feral and attacked Crimson, the knife helped me subdue it. Why is choosing both options a bad thing? If anything, it just shows that I'm smart and fit best in Erudite.

Then again, I can't imagine Sebastian or Crimson stabbing the dog. That's a Dauntless trait.

Why do they kill people like me, anyway? I can't imagine a situation where being naturally good at more than one thing would be detrimental. Is it a question of loyalty? Because even though I'm smart, fuck Erudite. I'm not that smart. Not the kind of smart that they need.

I'm pulled out of my thoughts by one of the loudest laughs I've ever heard. Is that… Shuî? Have I even heard him laugh before? I get up and head over to his cot, and holy shit, how is laughing that hard not hurting him?

I turn to the pink haired nurse, Nurse Janet, and ask, "What did you do to him."

"Poor boy weighs too little for his height." She clicks her tongue and shakes her head. "We tried to approximate the amount of painkillers to give him, but we must have given him too much." She turns to me. "Say, do you know what faction he comes from?"

"Abnegation."

"Bless his little heart, he's never had any sort of pain relief in his life." She sighs and walks away. I swear I hear her mutter something about what's on his back.

I turn to him, and good Jesus, he's loopy. "You good, man?"

He smiles real big. "I never knew that pain could just vanish like this."

Christ, that's concerning. I've always thought Abnegation was corrupt, but never his bad. I shake my head. Now's not the time for pity. I pull up a chair and sit next to him. Training can wait a bit. "You were holding back in our fight, weren't you?"

His face falls. "I didn't want to hurt you."

Of course he didn't. Perfect, selfless Shuî, who's willing to take a beating just so a guy he met two days ago doesn't get hurt. I would have believed he was weak if it wasn't for my jaw.

I remove the ice pack from my jaw to show him what he did. "That's bullshit. These fights are ranked, and you'll lose points for that attitude."

He looks down, and I notice a spot where the eyeliner didn't wash off his cheek properly.

"Look, next time we fight, you better not pull that weak shit. I'm not just here for fun, I want to get into Dauntless. I'm not going to get points if you don't put up more of a fight."

"And what if I win, huh?" He sets his jaw and looks straight at me.

"Then I'll have lost in a fair fight." I shrug.

He doesn't seem to know how to respond. It's not a big deal. I get up. It's time to get back to training anyway. As I'm leaving, his voice faintly says "Hey, Ash?"

I turn around. "Yeah."

"Sorry about your jaw."

I grin. Fuck, that hurts. I'm not going to show it though. "You better do more next time."

He grins too, then relaxes back into the cot.

"Oh, Ash." It's Nurse Janet. "He'll be okay to return to training after lunch if you're still doing target practice. I'm sure he'd appreciate it if you brought him his lunch. After all, for someone who's injured, it's a long walk to the Canteen."

"I'll make sure to bring him something, then." I nod then leave.

0-0-0-0-0

I half expect Crimson to ask me to wish him luck. It wasn't uncommon back at home. But when he doesn't, I know why.

He doesn't want to win.

What a coward.

If he hadn't told me about what happened with Christina, I'd expect him to just surrender. I seriously don't understand why he came here. I'd be fine without him.

Surprisingly, Tris is an even worse fighter than he is. I don't know of I was expecting Shuî levels of strength, but she looks like she's never had to defend herself.

Hell, I could easily take half the people here. Crimson, Tris, and Myra would go down in one hit. Will, All, Christina, Molly, and Drew would be harder, but I'm reasonably confident I would win. My only real competition is Edward, Peter, and Shuî.

There's no way I won't make it into Stage Two. Not with opponent's like Crimson.

Maybe I'm glad Crimson's here. The more weak opponents I have, the further I distance myself from the bottom.

Am I really willing to sacrifice my brother for my own gain?

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: yeah, I know this one is short, but it doesn't need to be long. We'll get more Ash chapters sprinkled throughout, especially towards the end.

Chapter 9

Fin's jaw drops whenever I tell him and Shuî about what happened to Christina. "You're fucking kidding, right?" He asks. "I know Eric's a prick, but there's no way he'd do that."

I shake my head. "Wish I could say that, but no. She's incredibly shaken up." Probably traumatized.

Shuî seems a lot less high than he was when I saw him earlier. Still, he seems too wiped to actually respond.

"God, I hate Eric so fucking much. If he's going to do that shit, he should do it himself to prove his bravery." Oh fuck oh fuck Eric's right behind him. I glance over to Ash, who's fucking smirking at the situation, and Shuî's avoiding eye contact with anyone and eating his food. "Otherwise he just seems like a coward and a bully."

Eric is not fucking amused. His grey eyes flash with anger. "Maybe I should dangle you from the Chasm too."

Fin doesn't even seem fazed. "You know, if you kill me, you'll have to answer to my mom."

That's… not the direction I expected him to go with that. I was expecting a more "I'd make you do it with me," or some other tough sounding response. But nah, he's just sitting there, smirking up at him and baring a sharp incisor.

"Oh, your mommy's supposed to scare me?" Eric laughs.

"I mean, she slashed my dad's throat for beating to shit outta me and my baby brother, so I'm sure one little ex-Nose shouldn't be a problem."

…

What the actual fuck?

Even Eric is silent. Fin's smirk never wavers. "Yeah, there was blood everywhere. On the walls, on my brother's crib, all over me. I'm surprised there wasn't a huge blood trail on our way from the apartment to the Chasm. She must've gotten all the blood out with just that one slice. And have you ever seen someone fall into the Chasm? Oh man, their body tumbles around, guts everywhere, man!" He sounds like some nerdy Erudite kid describing a science project, not a man talking about his own father's murder. "Like, did you know how fucking long your small intestine is?"

Eric slowly takes a few steps back, then sharply turns on his heel and speedwalks out of the infirmary.

We're all silent for a moment, processing what we just heard.

"So, uh, dead dad, huh?" Ash asks after a few moments. "That explains a lot, actually."

"Hey!" Shuî actually sounds offended.

"You too? Explains a lot about you also."

Fin least out a boisterous laugh. "No way, you guys actually believed that shit?" He leans back in his chair and slaps his thigh. "Come on, that's fucking ridiculous. Mom would have been arrested for that shit. And no blood trail? Y'all don't know anything about bodies, do you?"

The rest of us shift uncomfortably. "Uh, no, not really." I squeak out.

He finally finishes his laughter. "Tough crowd tonight, huh?" He shakes his head and sighs. "Nah, sadly, my father's not dead. Mom did beat him half to death with a broom, and when he came back around, she threatened him with a cast iron skillet, but the fucker's still around. Probably." He shrugs.

Part of me wants to pity him. After all, he went through so much at such a young age. But as he launches into stories about how great his mom is and how lucky he is to have her, I can't help but admire his strength. He's still able to smile, to laugh, to live despite everything. Still, he should've had to go through all of that, even if he's strong now.

Resilient. That's the word for him. He's resilient.

0-0-0-0-0

After we get back from lunch, we spend an hour and a half practicing with our guns. I'm getting better, way better than I thought I would. Everyone's doing fairly well, actually. Four seems to be satisfied with our progress, as he lets us work on whatever for the rest of the time.

Shuî stays at the gun range, not wanting to aggravate his injuries, and Al stays with him. Drew and Molly also stay, but on the opposite end. Tris and Christina run laps, Peter lifts weights, Will and I do a core workout we found in a book, and Edward and Ash spar in the ring. It isn't scored, so it's a lot more casual.

"I can't believe Ash is talking to Edward." Will says. Is he really still mad about the breakup? Sure, it was a nasty end, with accusations of cheating and spreading rumors (though, in Will's defense, he did start dating Myra only a week after they broke up, so it's definitely suspect), but that was months ago. I don't let him know that I was thinking of asking him for help next.

"I'm sure it's purely transactional." I don't point out that Ash is laughing. Even Edward is smiling, which is rare for him. "Like it or not, Edward's the strongest initiate in here."

"Yeah, and of course Ash would shove aside everything that's happened just to get better." He says that like it's a bad thing, but I think it's admirable that he's willing to put aside personal drama in order to improve.

According to the book, we're supposed to repeat the workout 3 times for the full effect, but Will gets up. "I'm going to go jog with Tris and Chris." Heh, Tris and Chris. I like that. "You want to join?"

I wasn't feeling this workout either. Then again, running for an hour doesn't sound appealing either. "Let me get some water first."

I head over to the water cooler, and Four's standing there, observing Ash and Edward's training. I get one of the plastic cups and fill it, taking a drink. It's lukewarm. Gross.

I stand there for a couple moments, not wanting to run laps just yet. I look at Four. Maybe I can buy a few minutes by asking some questions.

"Hey, Four, so like, how do initiates from different factions tend to do?" I ask.

He looks at me. "Why do you want to know?"

I shrug. "I'm just curious."

He purses his lips for a moment. "Amity tend to be the physically strongest out of the bunch, though they often struggle with the mental aspect of fighting one another. Erudite does well with developing strategies, but can easily be knocked off course if something unexpected happens. Candor is great with reading their opponent's tells, but often end up fighting defensively."

Makes sense. "What about Abnegation?"

He looks over at Tris with an expression I can't read. "Haven't been enough to tell."

I wonder what he was like in his initiation. Was he cold and ruthless? He must have been to some extent, otherwise he wouldn't have gotten first. He's clearly strong, and could easily take anyone in this room, even Edward.

"If you're just going to stand there, at least pay attention to your brother." Four says. Fuck, he caught on to what I was doing.

Edward seems to be teaching him how to put someone in a proper headlock. They grapple around for a while, and I try to figure out what techniques they're using, but I think they both just have long arms. I wouldn't stand a chance.

Ash laughs whenever he finally gets it right, but Edward swiftly counters and almost slams Ash onto the ground before catching him.

"Never let your guard down, even when you think you've won." Four says. "It's a trap many inexperienced fighters fall into. Of course, if you're smart, you can use it to your advantage."

"How?" I take another drink of the water.

"At your size, you're not going to win by raw strength alone. But if you can manipulate them into thinking they have the upperhand, you can sweep the advantage out from under them and maintain control."

"Thank you, sir." I nod.

"Now that you've cooled off, get back to work." He crosses his arms and goes back to observing the fight.

Right. Now for an hour of running. Yay.

0-0-0-0-0

Christina and the gang don't stick around for dinner. I haven't gotten a chance to comfort her, not really. Sure, I've expressed empathy, but I haven't gotten to hug her. Is she more comforted by words or physical contact?

I'm honestly surprised how fast Shuî seems to be healing. I know that medical technology has made some serious advancements since the war, but it'll never cease to amaze me.

"It's official. I'm bleaching my hair today." Ash says after finishing his sandwich.

"I should probably get a haircut too. Knives aren't the best tool for it."

"You cut your hair with a knife?" Fin smirks. "You're sounding more and more Dauntless every day."

I blush a little. "I mean, it was an impulse decision, not exactly bravery."

"Still. Anyway, I can show you where I go to get my hair done, if you want. They're a bit off the main path, so they probably won't be super busy." Fin says, leaning back in his chair. He looks over to Shuî. "You planning on doing anything fancy with your hair?"

Shuî shakes his head. "Uh, not yet."

Fin shrugs. "Suit yourself. Though, I think you'd look good with red hair. Not like Crimson's red, but like a blood red or something."

Shuî blushes and looks down at his feet. "Uh, I don't think I'd look good with any color hair, Infinity."

Fin's eyes widen. "Dude, don't say shit like that." He leans across the table and puts his hands on Shuî's cheeks. "You're fucking adorable. If anyone ever tells you otherwise, punch them in the face."

Shuî hastily gets up, pushing Fin's hands away. "Uh, I should get back to the dorm. Ribs still hurt, you know?" He awkwardly laughs and speeds away.

"What, did he think I was flirting with him or something?" Fin blinks, looking surprisingly innocent for once. "Because I really wasn't. I just hate when cute people think they're ugly. Beauty is something to be appreciated."

"I think he's just a Stiff." Ash chuckles.

Still, it sucks to see someone unable to take a compliment, even if it's from someone with as strong a personality as Fin.

"Anyway, you guys ready?" Fin asks getting up.

I take the last bite of my sandwich and set it down. "Yeah, let's go."

Fin leads up up a couple loops up the Pit, then down a hall I haven't explored yet. I didn't realize there were shops off of the Pit, but here we are, a hallway lit by only the neon from the signs. We duck into a small hair salon after a few meters.

"Fin!" A voice yells. A tanned young woman with a blonde bob runs up and wraps her arms around his waist. She gets on her tiptoes and plants a kiss on his cheek, leaving a deep red splotch. Oh, shit, is she his girlfriend? "It's been so long! How are you? Is initiation going well? Are you winning your fights? Oh, you're in the same group as my cousin Marlene, right? How's she doing?"

"Marona, he was in here last week to get his roots done." Another young woman with half of her sleek black hair smirks as she leans against the desk.

"I know, but he visits Rex every day! Why can't he come see us every day?" Marona pouts. She looked normal height when she was hugging Fin, but as she pulls away, I realize she's almost as tall as Shuî. She looks over at me and Ash. "Oh, are these the new friends you were talking about? I thought there were three."

"Shuî's a lameass and didn't want to drastically change his hair." Fin shrugs. "Also, yeah, me and Marlene are both doing well."

"Good! And that means you're Ash, right?" She looks over to Ash, then to me. "And oh my God, Crimson, I knew you were short, but you're so tiny! It's adorable!" She bounds over and pinches my cheeks. "Aww!"

"Are you, uh, his girlfriend?" I ask.

She stands up and giggles. "I'm not even a girl half the time." Oh. Oops. "But no, I'm not dating him. You can have him if you want."

"Oh, uh, that's not what I-"

"Didn't you come here for haircuts?" The other woman raises her eyebrows.

"Oh, I call Crimson! Whatever you want for your hair, I'll do it!" Marona grins and stands up. "Fin, you sticking around?"

"Nah, mom's making cookies tonight, and Ian will be pissed if I don't teach him how to wrestle for a bit."

"Bring us some cookies! And tell your mom we said hi!" Marona takes me by the hand and leads me to a chair separated from the lobby area by sheets hang from a pole. "Oh, I'm Marona, if you didn't catch my name earlier.

"Nice to meet you." She -- they, based on what they said earlier -- shakes my hand lightly as I sit down in the chair. "So, were you going to dye it, or did you just want it cut?"

"Oh, uh, just a cut." I like my red hair, and I'm not too keen to change it.

"Alright! Did you have any particular styles in mind? I can help you look more masculine, if you want."

"How does everyone seem to know I'm a bit, anyway?" I ask as she starts brushing down my hair.

She smiles a bit. "Well, here in Dauntless, we really try to respect that kind of thing! It takes a whole load of courage to come out as anything but standard. We always try to spread the word to help avoid people accidentally misgendering others, you know? Especially Fin. I'm pretty sure he threatened to stab Rex if he didn't get it right."

"Wow. Oh, and yeah, if you could just trim it up and make it look more boyish. I like the length it's at right now."

Marona hums. "Alright. And yeah, Fin's intense. Has he told you that his little brother Ian's trans? That's why he's so insistent on this sort of thing."

That makes a lot of sense. "No, he hadn't. Oh, and uh, speaking of that sort of things, what pronouns should I use for you?"

"Honestly, call me whatever." She holds out her wrist, revealing a pink bracelet. "Right now, I'm feeling more feminine, so she/her pronouns work, but in general, I'm fine with whatever. If I'm wearing a blue bracelet, I'm feeling more male, and yellow means neither."

"Alright, I'll keep that in mind."

The rest of the haircut goes smoothly. Marona tells me that their half-sibling May is the other hairdresser, and that their parents are in a loving three person marriage. At one point, they continuously try to brush down a cowlick off my hairline that points up and to my right, but eventually give up. After we're done, we move out into the lobby to wait for Ash and May to get done. No other customers come by, apparently since one of the main salons is having a sale right now, so I get to hear loads about Dauntless hairstyles and fashion. Self expression is very important here, so there's about as many styles as there are people. Marona's dyed their hair all shades of blue and purple, and they're probably going to be a ruby red before next week.

After a while, Ash emerges from the other curtained off area, and I can't help but laugh.

"Holy shit, you're hair is fucking orange!" It's not even a good orange like mine, either. It's like a burnt orangey-brown, and it's so cursed to see my brother as a brunette.

"This man really thought he could go from jet black to snow white in one session." May smirks.

"Oh dear," Marona says, and good god that sounds way too tame for a Dauntless born.

"If I'd known my hair would take so long, I'd have just let it go gray naturally." Ash sighs.

"See you next week, then." May says as she disappears into the back of the store.

"It was wonderful to meet you guys! Any friend of Fin's is a friend of mine, so stop by any time! Well, assuming I'm not busy." Marona giggles.

"People seem to hold Fin's opinions in high regard." Ash says.

"Well, yeah, a lot of people really like him. A lot of us are actually hoping he's going to become a leader. He's, like, kind of the model Dauntless."

"Is letting a 16 year old have that much influence really a good idea?" Ash asks, crossing his arms over his chest.

Marona raises an eyebrow. "You came from Erudite, right? Things work differently down here. Case in point, Eric." Their ocean blue eyes flit to the ground for a second. "Though, uh, he may not be the best example when it comes to good leadership."

Ash shrugs. "Fair enough."

God, his hair looks so weird. I could almost picture him with white hair, but this brunette shade? It's definitely odd.

Let's hope I sleep well tonight. I'll need it for tomorrow's fight.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N whoops is Fin my main character? I mean, Crimson's more the emotional heart of the group than the driving character, I've known that from the start, but I have some plans for Fin.

Chapter 10: Chapter 10

The pros of last night and this morning:

 

1. I finally fixed my hair, and it actually looks good now. Thanks, Marona!

2. I learned that Shuî mumbles in his sleep. It sounds like he mostly talks about cooking. Is that what he dreams about?

3. The showers were very hot this morning, very good.

4. Eric won't be here to watch our fights, so there's a lot less pressure.

 

The cons:

 

1. Ash's hair still looks like garbage.

2. Even though Shuî's mumbling is cute, it kept me up all night. 

3. I'm like ninety percent sure that Peter was staring at me in the shower. It was only for a few moments, and I don't know for sure if it was him, but it's likely. Maybe it was Drew. Probably wasn't anyone else.

4. I'm up against Molly.

 

Molly's strong. Like, real strong. The way she was able to punch Christina around yesterday, hurting her to the point where she broke and admitted defeat, terrifies me. I don't have the option of backing down. Even if Eric isn't here to throw me into the Chasm, admitting defeat would lose me more points than letting her beat the shit out of me.

 

Part of me wants to bail. I can make up those points later. But as I look around, I really can't. Everyone here is stronger than me, and everyone here wants to reach the top.

 

Except me. I'm fine with staying in the middle. 

 

That will be my downfall. I'll settle for mediocrity and fall far, far below, sinking into the depths of failure. 

 

I can't win this fight. That's a given. But maybe I can still score some points. 

 

Four told me to be smart in my fights. Take advantage of their weaknesses. I'm sure Molly has plenty, but I couldn't bear to watch her last fight. Christina didn't stand a chance. So how will I?

 

Will fights first, this time against Shuî. I'm going to be fighting both of this at some point. I don't want to hurt either of them, nor do I want to watch them get hurt, but I signed up for this, didn't I?

 

So I watch. Not for entertainment, but for education. I learn that Will guards his head too much, and neglects his midsection. However, even though in a normal fight, that would matter, it won't in this fight. Shuî is too hesitant, too unwilling. Will wins the fight without too much fuss.

 

The next fight is Peter versus Edward. Both of them are way stronger than anyone here, and it's hard for me to even tell what they're doing. Punches are flying so fast, being dodged almost as quickly. They almost run out the full ten minutes before Edward lands a solid punch to Peter's jaw, and the only thing I've learned is that they both favor their right hands. Then again, everyone but Ash does, as far as I know. 

 

And then it's my turn.

 

I get on the mat with Molly and take my stance. She's so strong, taller than me and twice as wide. If she wasn't scowling like she was going to kill me, I'd think she's pretty, with a cute bulbous nose and dark brown hair what goes just above her shoulders.

 

Now's not the time. Not when she might actually kill me if I fuck up.

 

She isn't throwing the first punch. Her legs are locked in place, and she takes a defensive stance. I know she's not afraid of me. Is she trying to bait me into attacking? I know that if I go head on, she'll probably catch me and it'll all be over.

 

But I don't have to attack from the front. If I get to her side, I could maybe strike before she has a chance to fully turn. Or, if I catch her mid kick, I could sweep out her legs from underneath her. That one is a lot riskier, considering how sturdily she's built. I'd be much likelier to just hurt my own legs.

 

I can be fast. Or, at least, I could when I was a child. While Ash hasn't always been unusually tall (that development started around when we were thirteen), he's always been light on his feet. Chasing him in games of Tag was always a struggle, but eventually I managed to catch up to him. 

 

Now I just have to do that in a fight. Easy. It's not like I haven't played tag in 6 years, right?

 

I'm fucked.

 

No. If I think like that, I'll lose.

 

Luckily, I can gallop sideways faster than she can turn. I manage to get a couple jabs at her midsection before she can catch me, leaping back to avoid her shots. This strategy is exhausting, but at my strength, hit and run tactics are all I have.

 

I manage to get a few more jabs in before I can move onto the next part of my strategy. She's guarding her midsection, because that's all I've hit. She won't be expecting me to go for her throat.

 

She doesn't. I manage to hit her by surprise. Fuck, I really wasn't expecting that to work. Unfortunately, she grabs my arm and punches me straight in the cheek. I can't wrestle free, so I try to go to the side. If I get her to turn, maybe I can try and get her legs out from under her. 

 

I try to kick out her legs, but she just yanks me forward and slams me into the mat. I gasp for breath, but it just won't come. I try to push myself up, but my legs go out.

 

How am I down in only two hits?

 

"Molly wins the fight. Go to the infirmary." I get that Four has to be impartial, but damn, does he emote, like, ever?

 

Molly doesn't help me up. Of course she doesn't. I drag myself off the mat and finally take a deep breath. Al lends me a hand, and I gladly take it. "Thanks, man." I smile. "I think I can get it from here."

 

"Yeah, no problem." Even if I needed him to help me, he couldn't, because he's fighting Ash right after me. Christina and Myra are next, and Tris and Drew are last. I don't really want to watch any of them fight, but I should get back as quickly as possible.

 

As I walk, it dawns on me that at some point, I'll have to fight Ash. There's enough days in this month that we'll be fighting everyone twice, roughly.

 

He'll fight fair, that's for sure. I can't imagine he'd sabotage me for his own gain, but I can't see a universe where he'd throw the fight and let me win. He'll fight me like I'm anyone else. I have to study his weaknesses.

 

0-0-0-0-0

 

After everyone's done with fighting and back from the infirmary, Four demonstrates more fighting techniques. I wish we were one of the groups that got to learn first and then fight. I know some groups fight as the very last thing they do. 

 

My muscles are sore by the time we go to lunch. Fin is sitting at a table full of Dauntless, so we sit with Will and his friends. We don't really talk about much, mostly listening to Christina and Al reminisce about home. 

 

My body's sluggish by the time we have to get up. I want to go and curl up in bed, let my body heal, but we don't have time.

 

I still don't know how they expect us to get amazingly fit in a month. 

 

We practice with our guns for a while, and Four finally teaches us how to clean them. You'd think that would come first, but I doubt Four understands much about teaching. You'd think they'd have a curriculum to follow, but as a whole, Dauntless doesn't seem as rigidly structured as Erudite. I don't know if I love it or hate it.

 

After we break away to do our own things, I approach Four. This time, Ash is sparring against Peter, and Edward is helping Myra practice at a punching bag. 

 

"Am I correct in saying that you're stalling on having to do any exercise by asking about your progress?" Four says, not even looking down at me 

 

I frown. "Am I really that easy to figure out?"

 

"Well, how do you think you did?" 

 

"Uh, not well. If I get hit, it's all over, so I need to be able to dodge better. My hit and run tactics could be effective, but I need to build up my stamina to be able to keep it up. If I face off against another agile opponent," Like Ash, but I don't want to admit that out loud. "I'm going to be screwed, and I can't afford to go on the defensive."

 

"It seems that you have a good handle on your weaknesses." Four nods. "Though, you are remarkably fast. Being able to propel yourself sideways with your legs can help you."

 

"You really think so? It's been a while since I've had to be fast. The last time I really remember running around was when Will wanted to catch a pigeon when we were ten."

 

"Catch a pigeon?"

 

I grin. "Yeah. He thought it he grabbed one, his parents would have to let him keep it, so Ash, Sebby, and I helped pitch in. We all played border guard, trying to keep the pigeons in line while Will tried to grab one. Of course, they can fly, so that didn't work, so it ended with us all dashing around like madmen and diving at pigeons until Will caught one." A grin creeps up my face. "His sister Cara screamed when he shoved the bird in her face. Of course, his parents said no, because Erudite doesn't allow pets, and even then, a pigeon would make an awful pet, but it was fun while it lasted."

 

Four's faintly smiling. Holy shit, that's the equivalent of Will's boisterous laughter. I got him to emote! Today's a success, no matter what else happens. 

 

"If I had to recommend anything, it would be how to escape grabs and holds. I plan on teaching that on a couple days, but if you want help before, you may want to speak to one of the other more experienced students."

 

My mind flits to Ash or Edward, but neither of those are amazing choices. Edward is still a sore topic for Will, and I feel like Ash would just get annoyed if I had to ask for help. He's not a great teacher. 

 

Who else could I ask. Peter? I get the feeling he'd feed me false information. No one else in here is any more experienced than I am.

 

Fin. He's the answer here. I can ask him for help, and I'm sure he would.

 

"Thanks, Four." And then I go to catch up with my friends. They're jogging laps again. Of course.

 

"How aren't you terrified he's going to snap your neck?" Christina asks, eyes wide. 

 

I shrug. "I mean, I'm just asking him questions about my progress. He's not that scary, just boring."

 

"I can't believe you got him to smile." Will shakes his head. "How'd you do that?" 

 

"I told him about that time we all caught a pigeon."

 

"You guys what?" Tris asks, an incredulous expression slapped on her face.

 

Will's the one who tells the story this time, and he's much better at it. He embellishes it a bit more, adding in a detail about Ash falling face first into the dirt that I don't remember. He also adds a detail that I forgot. A bird crapped on Sebby's hair, and he cried. To be honest, I'd cry too if a bird ruined my hair. Does that make me a priss? Probably.

 

By the time he's done, we're all breathless. Laughing while running is a terrible idea, and by the time we’re done, I just want to die.

 

0-0-0-0-0

 

Shuî doesn’t come with us for dinner. Something about how cleaning relaxes him or something? I don’t really get it, since cleaning’s something I hate, but to each their own. The rest of us head down to the Canteen.

 

Fin’s sitting with some of his Dauntless friends. Fuck. I was hoping he'd sit with us so I could ask him to train me. I guess I could still go up and ask, but I don't want to interrupt them. I'm sure they're perfectly nice people and all, but large groups of strangers make me anxious. Besides, they're all more… I don't know, experienced here. They'll know immediately that I don't quite fit in. Even if they don't laugh at me outright, they'll all know.

 

Heh. I'm scared of not being a real Dauntless. Ironic, I guess.

 

It's not like this fear is new. Back in Lower Levels, when we first met Sebastian, I was terrified of him. He was the smartest kid in our class, and everyone loved him. Ash had no problems befriending him, as he always tends to befriend the most competent people around him, and I was dragged along because I was too scared to make friends on my own. I thought Sebby was the coolest person ever. Spoilers, we were like eight years old, so none of us were cool, but the point still stands. 

 

This is dumb. I shouldn't be scared of my friends. I force myself to get up. "I'll be right back." 

 

I make my way over to his table. Halfway through, my body tries to pull back, but I push through. Fin wouldn't be friends with bad people, right? They'll all be nice. I'll be fine. Besides, I just have a quick question to ask.

 

Fin seems to notice me before I say anything, really before I'm closer than ten feet away. He smiles and waves me over. How did he notice? The sound of my footsteps. Sure, I can do that with my friends and parents (specifically by the sound of their keys), but I doubt I could hear that sort of thing in a crowded cafeteria, and he probably wouldn't have my footsteps memorized in less than three days. My smell? I just use the standard shampoo and stuff that Dauntless provides. Side note, I need to ask Al where he bought that lemongrass soap he uses. 

 

I guess it doesn't really matter. He's noticed me, and I can't go back now.

 

"Hey, did you finally come to sit with us?" Fin asks. I still wonder why one of his teeth is missing.

 

"Oh, uh, I just had to ask you something. I already told the rest of the group I'd be right back." Wait, did he invite me over and I forgot? Oh fuck.

 

Fin's smile falters a little bit. "Oh. Well, you're welcome any time. I promise we don't bite unless you want us to." He gives a sharp look to a girl with shaved hair, and she rolls her eyes.

 

"I, well, I didn't want to intrude or anything." I rub the back of my neck as my face heats up.

 

"Fin, you never invited him over?" The blonde girl --oh shit, that's Marlene from the thrift store-- lightly smacks him in the chest with the back of her hand. "Don't worry, you guys are always welcome. We'll make room."

 

"Oh, uh, thanks Marlene." 

 

"You had a question for Fin?" The shaved haired girl scowls at me, obviously wanting me gone as quickly as possible. She acted this way in the thrift shop too, so I know she's exaggerating a bit, but I still don't want to overstay my welcome. 

 

"Oh, uh, right. Could you help me train tonight? I need some extra practice."

 

Fin's grin is back. "Yeah, of course. Meet me at the Chasm after dinner."

 

"Okay, cool, thanks. I'll, uh, let you guys get back to it."

 

"Come back any time!" Marlene grins.

 

"Yeah, any friend of Fin's a friend of ours." Uriah, who I briefly met on the train, says. 

 

"Thanks." I turn around and head back to my table. Man, that was awkward, but it was entirely my fault. I have no reason to be scared of them, they're all perfectly nice. I have nothing to worry about.

 

0-0-0-0-0

 

Shuî never shows up for dinner. Does cleaning up the training room really take that long? I know they serve dinner until fairly late, but I don't think the burgers will hold up very well. 

 

I leave a little earlier than the rest of the group. When I get out, the Pit is swarming, as always. I normally hug the edge to get to the Chasm, but when I look out into the crowd, I see some dumbass in a turtleneck standing directly in the middle of the Pit and staring straight up.

 

Oh fuck, it's Shuî. 

 

I run up to him, lightly touching his arm to get his attention. "Hey, man, where were you?" 

 

"Look up, Crimson." He idly points up, not even looking down at me. 

 

I look up, and I'm greeted by the most beautiful sight. It's raining outside, and through the web of paths spiralling above us, the sight of the rain sliding down the glass is just gorgeous. The occasional ray of sunlight cuts through, lighting up the tower for a moment before disappearing again.

 

"Back in Abnegation, we were taught to ignore the beauty around us. It's simply a distraction from what's important. Here, I can take the time to notice things like that." He finally looks down at me, and a soft smile appears on his face. 

 

"Yeah, the world's really nice sometimes." My mind flies back to Amity feels, and I feel homesick for a life I never had.

 

We stand there for a moment, watching the rain, before I feel a hand clap on my shoulder. "Yo, Crimson, did you forget we were going to train?"

 

Fuck. I did forget for a moment. "I just ran into Shuî, sorry."

 

"It's all good. Hey, Shuî, want to train with us?" 

 

Shuî glances up at him. "Oh, uh, sure, but take a look at how pretty it looks right now." 

 

Fin looks up to the sky for a minute. "I mean, yeah, I guess so. It just looks rainy to me."

 

Shuî frowns a bit, then shakes his head. "I guess if you've lived with sights like this your whole life, it doesn't really matter." 

 

Fin shrugs. "Come on, we don't have all night." He starts walking towards the training room, and we follow. Keeping his pace means walking two steps for each of his, and I almost laugh at how ridiculous we must look beside each other. Shuî at least balances us out. 

 

As we walk across the Chasm, Shuî stops for a moment. I'm sure he's admiring the beauty, but all I can see is Christina dangling off the edge. Right, he didn't see that, he just heard about it. I'm glad the view isn't ruined for him.

 

We walk down the hall to the training rooms, and we pass our own. I wonder if Four's still in there. I don't look, I don't have the time. 

 

As we approach a room, Lauren walks out. "What are you doing here this late?" She eyes up me and Shuî, then gives Fin an expectant look.

 

"Just training my friends. It's not against the rules, right?" Fin rests his hand on the back of his head, stretching. 

 

"No, but is it really a good idea for a hotshot who can't even follow directions to be training a couple new kids?" Lauren raises an eyebrow.

 

"Dude, y'all literally have us fight until we knock each other out. I know you guys say not to, but none of us are pussy enough to back down." Fin smirks. "And I only don't pay attention in practice because I'm miles above what you're teaching."

 

Lauren rolls her eyes. "Alright, alright, as long as it's just training you're doing. If I come back and you guys are doing anything else, I'm revoking permission."

 

Fin raises his eyebrows. "Are you implying that I'm gonna fuck these cuties in there?" Shuî's face goes beet red, and honestly, mine does too. "Cause, I know that's in character, but come on, the training room? There's a thousand more places we could do it. Ever fucked on the roof? It's fuckin' great, feeling the air on your back as you-" 

 

"Infinity Perkins, if you weren't such a promising fighter, I would have kicked you out of Dauntless the moment you entered my training room." She sighs. "You can use the room, just clean up after yourselves, okay?" 

 

"Will do." Fin grins as Lauren leaves. After a moment, he turns back to us. "You see, the takeaway here is that it doesn't matter if you have massive personality flaws, as long as you're attractive and talented, everyone will like you."

 

"That's not the takeaway at all, Fin!" Lauren yells back as we enter the training room.

 

I'm not sure what I was expecting, but their training room is almost identical to ours. The only difference is that the targets for gun practice are spread around the room, some even in the ceiling. Fin did mention that their target practice was more involved, since many of them have trained with guns before, even if for only a day or two for fun. Their expectations must be higher for them, because otherwise the Dauntless borns would just steamroll us.

 

"Hey, Shuî, would you mind grabbing some boxing wraps from the closet? They should be in a marked box." 

 

"Yeah, no problem." Shuî goes into the closet.

 

Fin turns to me as he… locks the training room door? "You trust me, right?" 

 

"I mean, of course. You're my friend."

 

All I see is a devilish smirk on his face before he rushes at me. His hand clamps down on my mouth, and in an instant, his other arm is around my neck. "Wrong answer."

 

Wait. What? My hands claw up at his, but to no avail. What? Why is he-?

 

"You just waltzed right into a secluded room with some boy you just met. It'll be what, twelve hours before someone comes in here again? Do you understand how much I could do to you in twelve hours?" He chuckles to himself a little. "Oh, and don't expect that pansy ass Stiff to be able to help you out. One more kick in the ribs and he's fucking done for."

 

Chills shoot up my spine. I can still breathe, thank God, but I can't really move. I try to pry his fingers from my face, to get my voice out, but it's ineffective.

 

"The first lesson you'll learn in Dauntless is to never trust anyone you can't beat in a fight. Trust is a luxury that only the strong can afford."

 

Tears well up in my eyes. I thought he was my friend, why is he doing this?

 

I blink. He's not doing anything though. Sure, he has me in a lock, but he's not attempting to hurt me in any way. In fact, his grip softens a bit.

 

This is a test. But how do I get out of this?

 

"Don't focus on the parts of you that you can't move. Instead focus on what you can move." He says, voice calmer than I've ever heard it. 

 

My arms are free, but what I'm trying to do with them isn't working. After a second of thinking, I elbow him in the ribs as hard as I can. He just laughs a little, so I must not have hurt him. Shit.

 

"Here, use your feet and stomp on mine. It works extra well if you're wearing high heels. One time, I was wearing these five-inch stiletto heels, and some pink tried to give me shit about it, so I stomped on his foot. Man, there was so much blood, and I-"

 

Three things occur to me.

 

One, Fin's worn high heels that put him at two feet taller than me.

 

Two, Fin's stomped on someone with said heels and potentially permanently injured them.

 

Three, Fin just got punched in the face.

 

"Crimson, are you okay?" Shuî grabs me and pulls me away, panic in his eyes. "I was just gone for a second, and when I came out, he was attacking you, and-"

 

"Shuî. Calm down man. He was pretending." I have to tell that to myself too. I know logically that he wasn't going to hurt me, but damn.

 

"Hey, yo, you know how I said that pansy ass Stiff couldn't help you?" I turn to Fin, and he's setting his jaw back in place. "Holy shit, Shuî, I know Ash said you were strong, but what the actual fuck, man?"

 

"Oh, uh, I'm sorry, I misread the situation, and-"

 

"If it were up to me, I'd make you Dauntless right now." Fin grins wide, his sharp incisors catching the light. "Springing into action to save a friend is the bravest thing you can do, especially when you probably can't win the fight."

 

Shuî lets go of me. "Oh, uh, it's nothing."

 

"Hey, thanks for looking out for me." I smile a bit. Fin's right, jumping into action like that is incredibly brave.

 

A deep part of my heart sinks. If it had been Shuî in danger, would I have the courage to save him? I didn't have the courage to stand up for Christina, when Al, who's regarded as cowardly because he doesn't want to hurt his friends, could. 

 

These fights aren't about bravery. They're about obedience. 

 

The rest of training goes well. After we've calmed down, Fin teaches us how to wrap our hands properly (which is something Four should be teaching us, but whatever) and teaches us how to get out of various holds. His advice from earlier rings true. Forget about what you can't move, focus on what you can. 

 

Fin is so far beyond just talented. I've never really gotten to see a Dauntless fight, and I suppose he wasn't fighting at even close to full force, but when Shuî and I took a quick break, he decided to demonstrate on a punching bag. He almost knocked it clean off the chain with just one roundhouse kick. 

 

Compared to that, his hold on me was like an empty backpack. Even if I believe he won't intentionally hurt me --which I do, despite his lesson, which may be a bad call-- even a slight bit of extra force could break me.

 

Maybe that's what he was talking about when he told me not to trust anyone I couldn't beat in a fight.

 

After we're done, Fin and I lay back on the cool mat. I'm gasping for breath, and sweat drips out of every pore. I'm overworking myself, but to stand any chance, I have to work even harder.

 

Shuî's mopping, because of course he is. I watch him for a moment, getting lost in his rhythmic movements. It's quiet and serene, and a part of me wonders if that's why people transfer to Abnegation. Even though it's a life hollow of emotion or entertainment, for some, serenity and security are all they desire.

 

Then again, if they wanted a happy, content life, they could just join Amity.

 

Everytime I think of Amity, I get strangely homesick for a life I never had.

 

"Hey, Crimson?" I glance over at Fin, and he's turned on his side to face me. 

 

"Yeah, what's up?"

 

"Earlier, when I grabbed you, I uh, I just needed to tell you that I didn't like scaring you like that." He thinks for a moment, trying to gather the words. "I know a lot of the things I say make it seem like I like hurting people, and yeah, if they're assholes I like giving them some karma or whatever, but I don't enjoy hurting my friends. I, uh, I don't want you getting the wrong idea or anything." His face is flushed. Is he actually embarrassed? I didn't think that was possible.

 

"Aren't you the one who told me not to trust anyone?" I'm joking when I say that, but he looks down to the ground.

 

"Yeah, I am."

 

I turn over and reach my hand out to his. "Don't worry, Fin, I trust you." 

 

"But you shouldn't!" He runs his hands through his hair. "God, how can you be this naive?"

 

"There's a reason I left Erudite." I'm half joking, but honestly, it's kind of true. Intuition, while useful in some cases, was to take a backseat to logic and facts. I suppose that's useful, but it's not how I want to live. Sure, I have a logical reason not to trust Fin, but it's not anything about his character. The fact that he's stronger than me doesn't affect my judgement of what kind of person he is. 

 

Maybe the fact that he's admitted his violent tendencies multiple times should disturb me. And it does, a little, but not as much as it should. Maybe that says more about me than it does him. But he's shown me nothing but kindness, even if it's wrapped in crass remarks and toothy grins. 

 

Maybe this is why I belong in Dauntless. It's not just about test results, it's about those you love and enjoy.

 

"Fin, I trust you." I squeeze his hand.

 

"Not many people do." He shrugs. "It's nothing personal." He takes it personally.

 

"But I do. Don't tell me I shouldn't, because I've got intuition on my side." I grin.

 

He smiles softly at me, no teeth, just his black stained lips. "Is that so?"

 

The two of us lay like that for a while, listening to the soft hum of the air conditioner and the gentle rhythm of the mop.

 

0-0-0-0-0

 

A/N: hiya. I'm finishing this on 11/05/2020, at 1:30 CST. Nevada was supposed to announce their results two and a half hours ago. They haven't. I'm going to fucking die. Help.

 

As of 3:00 CST it's been delayed until tomorrow. At least I'll stop checking every second.

Chapter 11

A/N: This is a Shuî chapter. Shuî is a sad boy. Abnegation is fucked up. Read with caution. Specifically, disordered eating, non-denominational christian guilt, familial abuse, and self harm.

Also in this chapter, Shuî doesn't understand colored contacts.

0-0-0-0-0

Shuî's POV

It's been a while since I've chosen to clean. My grandmother always insisted on everything being spotless, and if we couldn't meet her standards fast enough, we'd be punished.

One time, I asked her why she wanted everything to be so pristine if beauty was to be ignored.

I got punished, because no good Abnegation child asks questions.

I thought that when I came here, I'd never clean again. I could live in a dump for all I care.

Three days of being here, and I can't stand the grime I leave behind. I never understood how much sweat, how much blood, how many tears poured out of me, and it’s laughable to think that I could ever be okay with leaving them for someone else to clean up. I guess old habits die hard.

"So, let me get this straight. You actually want to help clean up? You know this won't give you points, right?" Tobias asks. I know his name is Four now, but it's hard to separate him from the boy in the rumors. Despite Abnegation viewing gossip as self indulgent, women always did it, discussing any and every non-standard action as the knit scarves for the factionless. I, of course, didn't mean to listen as I cleaned the next room over. Of course I didn't.

"The proper way to end a day is by cleaning after yourself. I'm sure you understand."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm sure you've taught other Abnegations before."

Tobias sighs and hands me the mop. "Yeah, sure, knock yourself out." He goes to get another mop for himself. "Oh, and for the record, you and Tris are the only former Abnegation I've trained."

Oh. Huh. I guess that makes sense. Tobias is the only one I heard gossip about.

I get to work cleaning the mat. There's a large bloodstain left over from Peter and Edward's fight. I'm surprised no one even tried to clean it up.

I wonder if Tobias recognizes me. We never spoke, but my family was in the rumor mill for as long as I can remember. Deaths tend to do that. Suicides tend to do that. But beyond all of that, did he ever recognize the way I sat at church, straight up and back refusing to touch the pew? He sat the same way, stiff backed and eyes avoiding everyone.

I want to ask him everything, but I can't. He buried the Abnegation part of him a long time ago, and I don't want to be the one digging up old corpses.

Perhaps I should have changed my name like he did. My grandmother always ordered me around using my middle name, Adam, since that's what she wanted me to be named in the first place, but most people still called me by my first name. Legal name changes were unnecessary until marriage, so my grandmother wasn't able to force a name change, and I was able to retain a connection to my mother.

I look over at Tobias, and he cleans in the same way I like to. Slow, methodical. It's comforting.

Does he know about the scars on my back? I'm sure everyone in our room has seen them. Even though I shower at different times than everyone, I'm sure they all know. Do they gossip about it? What's there to say? It's all perfectly standard for Abnegation. Asking Crimson to keep quiet about it was kind of pointless, if we're being honest.

Crimson. He was the first person to tell me what I'd been through was wrong. Part of me knew it all along, but hearing it out loud confirmed it.

Crimson. It's strange calling him a he. In Abnegation, you are what you're born as, and any deviation would be selfish. Even forms of self expression like an extra hair cut (or lack of one) are shunned. Even when I first met him, when he helped my sister, I thought he was just a girl. One who was strangely nice for an Erudite, sure, but ultimately just a girl I'd never get to talk to, never get to know. It would be unheard of for an Abnegation to speak to anyone outside of the faction, let alone an Erudite, the faction that's attacking our very way of being.

But Crimson rushed to an Abnegation's aid, without a second though.

Jiao mentioned how pretty she (he, now that I know) was, which was an odd thing to hear. Sure, she had the same appreciation for beauty that I had, even taking it further and drawing the things she found beautiful despite knowing she'd be punished for it, but I'd never heard her say it about a person.

I didn't give the situation much thought after. The Aptitude Test filled the rest of my brain. The anxiety of where I belonged, which I thought would go away after, soon turned into terror.

I belong in Abnegation.

And Dauntless.

And Amity.

I'm Divergent. A secret I have to keep for the rest of my life. Into the vault it goes.

The Choosing Ceremony was one of the hardest decisions in my life. I'd have to leave my sister behind. If I stayed, I wouldn't survive. There was too much pressure, like water threatening to fill my lungs. Abnegation was an ocean, and I would drown.

But then I'd have to leave my sister to drown in my place.

My grandmother always favored Jiao, at least a little. I took the brunt of the punishment, but without me there to act as a scapegoat, what would become of her?

But then I saw Crimson. I still hadn't caught their name, they were just the redhead who helped Jiao. I didn't anticipate their choice being interesting, but something about them captivated my attention and wouldn't let go.

They chose Dauntless.

My decision was made. If they could do it, I could too.

"It's okay, I love you. Now go." Jiao whispered when they called my name.

My blood sizzled on the coals.

Boarding the train wasn't a challenge for me, at least not in the way that it was for others. It was only natural that I help others.

And that's when I first held Crimson. I still didn't know their name, but that didn't matter. I could get lost in those green eyes, chasing the flecks of grey that dance in the light.

"Shuî, right?"

I couldn't believe they remembered my name. "Uh, yeah." They stated right back into my eyes, and I looked away. "I never caught yours."

"Oh, uh, Crimson."

I held onto them longer than I probably should have. They pulled away and sat down, and I joined them, breathless.

When they asked for a knife, I handed them my mom's knife. Looking back, I can see why Crimson would find that strange, but for me, it was something I had to take. When Mom died, it was tucked under her mattress. They were going to throw it away, but even at four years old, I knew that it was something precious, something I'd need.

That knife has done a lot of things. Slicing through Crimson's hair is the least violent thing it's ever done.

As Crimson released their abandoned locks, I realized they were like a bird. The arch of their feet as they stood on their tip toes, their legs locked into place, their blue clothes fluttering in the wind, their nose protruding out like a beak. Their touch on the railing is light, fleeting, almost gossamer, like they'll fly away at any moment.

They sat down alongside their brother, and a pang of jealousy attacked my core. They look so different, with Crimson small and warm, and Ash tall and cool, and their personalities match that disparity, but there they were still laughing and talking and smiling. It was nothing like my siblinghood with Jiao. Even though we looked the same, acted the same (as any good Abnegation would do), our relationship was like a candle in a snowstorm. Flickers of laughter here and there, wax smiles that would drip away the moment our grandmother walked in.

If Jiao is like a candle, then Crimson is like the sun. From the first time he hugged me, tears hot against my shirt, fingers splayed against my chest, real and grounded, nothing like his touch on the train's railing. The tips oozed warmth into my skin, absorbing into my veins and passing into my heart, causing it to beat in ways it never had before. I wanted to preserve that moment in time, the first time I'd felt alive. I want him to touch me more. Every casual touch of the arm, every last little glance, I want more, more, more. Crimson's warmth radiates off of him, growing those around them, and I can't get enough.

If Crimson is the sun, that makes Ash the moon. Cold and distant, but beautiful at the same time. As a young child, I often looked to the sky, wondering what it would be like to go to the moon. I knew facts about it, like it had no air and low gravity, but I'd never get to experience that. Yet somehow, everytime Ash speaks to me, I feel weightless, like I'm gliding through the air, like I'm finally important. Ash is like a distilled droplet of the moon, pure and icy and brilliant.

I've heard many myths about the sun and moon. They were as gods, chasing each other through the sky like children playing tag. Polar opposites yet intrinsically linked.

I guess in this metaphor, I am the Earth, moving in harmony yet unable to reach them, locked in an orbit. They affect me greatly, Crimson allowing the fruits of my heart to sprout and grow, Ash allowing the tide of my mind to ebb and flow, and yet there's no way my presence could ever change them. I am the Earth, threatening to drown in my own oceans, soon to turn to ruin.

The bloodstain is gone. I look around, and I've managed to clean the entire room. Guess I got too much in my head.

Four tells me to go get dinner, but I don't. I'm hungry, sure, but I ate enough at lunch. To eat in excess is to weigh in excess, and to weigh in excess is to live in excess, and to live in excess is sin. I don't need to eat, so I don't.

As I walk, I notice the light reflecting on the floor between people's feet. I look up, and rain is spilling onto the glass building above. I stand there, mesmerized for days, weeks, years.

And then I feel Crimson's touch, warm and loving. "Hey, man, where were you?"

"Look up, Crimson."

He stands there with me for decades, centuries, eons as we let the beauty wash over us.

"Back in Abnegation, we were taught to ignore the beauty around us. It's simply a distraction from what's important. Here, I can take the time to notice things like that." I look down at him, and I realize that Jiao was right. Crimson is beautiful, his eyes wide and green and soaking in everything around him.

And then Fin shows up.

Fin is… I'm not sure how I feel about him. He's loud and confident and everything that Abnegation opposes, yet he's everything I want to be. He's like a wildfire, unbridled passion and destruction in his wake. He's threatening to burn the broken, the mangled, the dead parts of me, charring them to ashes in which a new me can grow. He challenges me, not out of hate or spite, or even in any conscious way, but everything he says or does directly contradicts my upbringing, and now that I'm in his territory, I have to adapt fast or be burnt away.

He's wild. He's reckless. He's untamed.

And he's attacking Crimson.

I barely remember entering the room or grabbing the boxing wraps, but when I leave the closet, all I see is Fin grabbing onto him, and my body springs into action before I can even think.

It takes a moment for Crimson's words to register with me. Christ, I misread the situation. But Fin is proud of me for my strength, which doesn't quite sit right with me. I wasn't brave either, just doing the right thing.

Still, he trains us, and by the end, I'm exhausted. But Crimson and Fin don't seem to be too interested in cleaning, so I do it myself. This room's easier, there's no blood, just sweat and footprints.

I watch the two of them lay next to each other, hands clasped, no words, just understanding. My body craves that kind of comfort, to be able to lay with someone and just understand. I want to feel the differences in their hands, Crimson's small and soft, Fin's rough and calloused.

But here I stand, cleaning up our mess.

0-0-0-0-0

Crimson leaves to go shower right before I'm done cleaning. I intend to go back to the dorm and try to relax, but Fin stops me, clapping his hand on my shoulder and squeezing.

"Did you eat dinner yet?" He asks, eyes boring into me.

Part of me wants to say yes just to get him off my back, but I know he's not going to fall for that. While he may act like a Dauntless hellion, I can see in his eyes that there's so much more going on in his mind than most realize. I was wrong in that he's a wildfire. He's a controlled burn, still destructive and bright, but on a clear path.

"I had plenty at lunch."

"Bullshit. Your stomach's growling." He raises an eyebrow, daring me to lie again. But it wasn't a lie, not really. It's the same amount I ate back in Abnegation, if not more.

I shrug a little, hoping to knock his hand off my shoulder. He doesn't budge. Not that I'd expect him to. "To eat in excess is to weigh in excess."

"Shuî. Buddy. In order to succeed here in Dauntless, you need to get strong. And sure, you can throw a punch, but I saw the way you trained, and you ran out of steam fast. Do you even know what calories are?"

"I took Nutrition, yeah."

He sighs frustratedly. "Then if you aren't a moron, and I know you're not, you should know you need more if you do active work."

"Infinity, I-"

"Stop calling me by my full name, it sounds weird. Now come on, we're getting dinner."

And so, he marches me down to the Canteen. He never takes his hands off my shoulder, but he eases his grip a little. I don't even bother protesting, and not just because of the futility of it, but the pit in my stomach is rapidly expanding.

"Yo, Rex!" Fin finally takes his hand off of me to wave. He starts to walk over to one of the sparsely populated (it makes sense, since we're here long after when initiates eat) long tables, towards a short young man with jet black hair. I consider just going back to the dorms, but no, I can't make it if I don't take care of myself.

Rex is definitely a model Dauntless member, with three eyebrow rings and holes in his ears that I could fit at least two fingers through. Piercings don't shock me like they did a couple days ago, but I still can't imagine willingly pushing needles through my skin. "What are you doing here this late, dude?" He asks as Fin sits down.

Fin claps his hand back on my shoulder. "Got so caught up in training this one that I worked up an appetite." He flashes his signature grin, and I still can't believe how sharp his incisors are. "Oh yeah, this is Shuî. Shuî, this is Rex, my best friend and one of the best tattoo artists in Dauntless."

"Shut the fuck up, you know you're just gassing me up." He rolls his eyes and turns to me, extending his hand. "Nice to meet you, man."

I'm still not entirely comfortable with handshakes. In Abnegation, we simply bowed our heads to each other from a respectable distance. But I shake his hand anyway, because I'm not in Abnegation anymore.

It's funny, I've quickly adapted to being touched by others, but actively reaching out to someone is still strange to me. I hope I get over that, since from the all the physical affection I've gotten since joining Dauntless, I'd love to be able to return the favor.

I grab a hamburger, hoping Rex didn't notice my discomfort. If he did, he doesn't say anything.

"So, Fin, I hear training's going well." Rex says.

"Oh, yeah, it's going great. Everyone's kicking ass, especially Marlene and Uriah. Mar actually knocked Jed out with a single kick earlier." Fin launches into an exaggerated tale, and I try to latch on, but I don't know a single person he's talking about. Once I lose track, I'm lost.

I try to eat some of my food. It's more flavorful than anything I had back in Abnegation, which makes me all the more guilty. Most of the food I cooked went to the Factionless, and even then, I had to focus on nutrition above flavor. I'll no longer have to make cabbage soup every night in the winter. It warms the body, sure, but it drains the soul. It's supposed to have garlic in it to at least brighten it up, but any time I used it, my grandmother would accuse me of poisoning her.

There's at least a couple marks on my back because of that. I couldn't tell you which ones.

Someone snaps in my face. "Shuî. Rex asked you a question."

I blink. "Oh, sorry."

"Fin, you don't have to be a jackass all the time. We all know you're a big softie." Rex smirks a little, then turns to me. "So, I saw you come into the shop a couple days ago. What tattoo did you get?"

"Oh, uh." It's personal to me. Even though it's permanently marked on my skin, it's strange to talk about my family.

"Trust me, I'm not going to laugh at you or anything." His smirk softens into a slight smile. "I've had to tattoo so many naked portraits of people's crushes. I never want to see a naked person again."

"You never wanted to see anyone naked in the first place." Fin snorts.

"Point is, if I didn't hear any gossip about it, it's not going to be embarrassing." He shrugs.

I clear my throat. "I, uh, got my sister's name. I figured if I had to leave her in Abnegation, I could at least bring a piece of her with me." Saying it out loud makes it sound too sentimental. My face flushes red. That's not a Dauntless kind of tattoo at all.

"Aww, that's so sweet!" Fin laughs.

"Holy condensation, Mr. Vigilante." Rex snorts.

"Oh, fuck, that came out wrong." Fin shakes his head. His blue curls are so thick, but the stubble on his chin betrays his true hair color, a deep brown. "I really do think that's sweet. What's her name?"

"Jiao."

"Nice. Think she'll be joining us whenever she chooses?"

It's actually kind of funny imagining Jiao here in Dauntless. She's sweet and uncoordinated, and even her rebellious streak was shown in forms of creativity rather than destruction, a pen to her skin rather than a knife.

"She's planning on joining Amity, actually."

She's told me that many times before, in the brief times between when we got home from school and when I'd have to go get our grandmother from her "volunteer quilting group." She dreamt of the sun on her skin, dancing in a red dress instead of kneeling in a grey one. I suppose I've had that dream, a dream of an easy life, but I don't think I'd be able to live with myself if I wasn't contributing to the greater good. I want to dance, to play, to laugh, but any time I slack off, the guilt gets to me.

Rex's face seems neutral at first, but I can sense there's something under it. Annoyance? I imagine suddenly having your meal interrupted would be bothersome. Maybe I should leave.

"Finny!" A tall woman with blonde hair and an eye-catching blue bracelet yells as she tackles Fin into a hug. She plants a multitude of kisses on his head, giggling wildly.

"Hey, Marona. How you doing, man?"

Man? Oh, uh, oops. I assumed from his figure (curvy, as Abnegation women said about those who were more generously proportioned than themselves.) that he was a woman. I guess he's like Crimson, which I still don't really get, but whatever makes him happy.

"I'm doing great!" He turns to me, his eyes a bluer color than I've ever seen in my life. "Hey, you're Shuî, aren't you?"

"Oh, uh, yeah?"

She grins. "Oh my God, you're the cutest thing! I mean, I know Fin doesn't lie about that kind of thing, but oh my God! I didn't know anything as cute as you could even come from Abnegation."

My face heats up from embarrassment. I'm not even-

"You may want to cool it a bit, Mar." Fin laughs. "He's not used to the way people like us show affection."

"Yeah, you wouldn't want to scare him off before he even gets to the second stage." A severe looking woman with half shaved black hair sits down next to Rex, across from me. She looks me up and down, and he eyes are red. Not just a light orangish brown, but straight up red.

"Oh, shut up, May." Marona sticks his tongue out at her and climbs up onto Fin's lap, and-

You know what? I've already seen Fin make out with someone once, I don't need to see it again. Besides, I've already eaten enough.

"You guys are so disgusting." Rex shakes his head as he gets up, disappointed.

"This is why we don't like it when you sit with us, Fin. You two are a black hole of horniness." May's just absolutely disgusted. Honestly, I completely understand.

"'Kay."

I get up and throw away my tray, and when I turn around, May's right there. "Yo, you heading back to your dorm?"

"Oh, uh, yeah?"

"Good. I'll walk with you. I need to talk to you?"

I gulp a little. She's not smiling, and she's three inches taller than me (though, the platform boots are certainly contributing.), and despite her eyes being red, her stare is as cold as ice.

"Oh, uh, okay."

As we walk out, we pass Rex. "May, what are you doing?"

"Come on, don't you want to know what the hell Fin sees in this little Stiff?"

"Fair enough."

As we cross the Chasm, they're at my sides, and a part of me's worried that May's going to shove me over the side. I never saw Christina dangle from the railing, but I can picture myself in her place.

We cross the Chasm without incident.

"So, are you sucking his dick or something?" May asks we enter the hallway that leads to my dorm.

My eyes widen, and my legs stop moving. "No!" My face heats up. "I mean, uh, I'm not-"

But am I?

May scoffs. "Come on, you're a fucking Stiff. How else could someone as shallow as Fin be interested in you?"

Interested? Is he just my friend because he wants to-

"Geez, May, going straight for the jugular, huh?" Rex leans against the wall, picking at his cuticles.

"I mean, there's got to be a reason, right?"

Rex shrugs. "Fin has weird tastes."

"He's already got that with Crimson. At least he has an interesting face to balance out his meekness." She glances me up and down. "The Stiff's both meek and plain."

I don't understand why she's being so hostile. She just met me, and I'm not threatening her.

"Yo." Someone's hand presses against the wall above me. I glance up. Ash. "These guys bothering you?"

Before I can even stammer out a reply, May laughs. "You even need someone to come save you! Man, Stiff, Fin's going to drop you in like a week."

"You know, for someone who calls herself Fin's friend, you don't seem to have a very high opinion of him." Ash smirks.

May snarls a bit. "Shuî has a voice, let him come up with his own insults." She turns on her heel and starts away. "Oh, and I'm not a girl."

Rex stands up straight. "Don't worry, she's like this with everyone." And then he's gone too.

I finally let out the breath I didn't realize I was holding. I look back up at Ash, and the tension seems to be gone from his body. "Thank you."

"She's got a point. I'm sure Stiff's have some choice words they use." He stands up fully. "I'm not always going to be here to help you out, you know."

I sigh. "Yeah."

"Anyway, I was heading up to smoke. Want to join?" He shrugs.

"You smoke?"

"Yeah." He says, like it's not a big deal. Like it's not one of the vainest things you can do.

"Oh, I was just going to shower and turn in for the night."

"Fair enough." Ash shrugs. He starts to walk past me, then stops. "Oh, and don't tell Crimson, okay? I don't need him worrying over me more than he already does. This'll be our secret, okay?"

"I won't tell him."

"Good." He chuckled his low chuckle. "Have a good night, Shuî."

And as he walks away, it feels like I'm missing out on something. Maybe I should go with him, but I'm already so tired. Still, his presence gives me so much energy, like lightning running through my veins.

Maybe I am gay.

Chapter 12

It's the end of our first week of training, and I'm not doing so well. I managed a win against Myra, who put up enough of a fight that I think I earned quite a few points, but I lost against all my other opponents. Especially Edward, I barely had a chance to react before he knocked me to the ground, forcing the wind out of me and rendering me helpless.

"Up and attem, everyone!" Eric yells, clanging pots and pans together. Get dressed, grab a muffin from the Canteen, and head up to the train tracks! We leave in 15!"

Oh shit. Guess I need to start showering at night, now. I don't have time to care who sees me (not that I ever did, with the communal showers), I just get dressed as quickly as possible.

I try and keep up with Ash on our way down to the Canteen, but his legs are too long. Normally, when we walk, I have to take three steps for every two of his, but when we're running, forget it. Even catching up to Will is a struggle.

Will. I know it's only been a week, but I feel like we're drifting a little. He's always had an easy time making new friends, and I guess I have too, but ever since we came to Dauntless and left Sebby behind, things have been just… different. I never realized how important Sebby was to our group, bridging the gap between the other's snark and my softness.

By the time I grab breakfast and head up to the train platform, there's only two minutes left. I'm out of breath and my legs burn, but I'm on time.

Of course, the train doesn't even arrive for another ten minutes. Fabulous.

I leap into the train without too much incident. Unfortunately, none of my friends are in the car as me. Great. I sit down and lean against the wall, hoping to catch a little more sleep.

Why did I think I could sleep in a train? It rumbles and rocks, and the walls shake against my back.

None of my friends are with me, but Peter is. He makes my hair stand on end in more ways than one. On one hand, he's cruel and dangerous. The way he beat down on Tris a couple days ago was the most brutal fight I've ever seen. He wasn't just fighting to win, like Edward, he enjoyed hurting her. He's a sadist and an asshole.

On the other hand, despite all of that (or, maybe in some twisted way because of that) I'm still attracted to him.

Maybe it's just a strange, unhealthy coping mechanism, but I've started to derive pleasure from fighting. No, I still don't like hurting others, and being struck still hurts, but I've noticed I almost enjoy being grabbed, flung around, humiliated. Even the thought makes the heat rise to my cheeks.

Part of me wonders if this is just the natural progression from being playfully mocked by my friends growing up. Another part of me is disgusted that I'm daring to entertain this. But none of that matters right now. I can worry about it later, and just use it to get through Stage One.

Still, despite my strange attraction to him, I can't help but feel a healthy dose of Schadenfreude as Peter's attempts to hit on a couple of girls fail.

I can tell they're ex-Erudite, and not just because of the way they style their hair or the fact that they've clearly been awake for a couple hours, but because of how they shut him down so beautifully.

Peter uses the cheesy "I'm lost in your eyes, can I get the directions to your hearts?" line. Honestly, I was expecting him to replace 'heart' with something a lot more vulgar, so at least he has some common sense. Instead of laughing awkwardly and hoping he goes away, like I would do, they just stare him down like a moron. Then, they effortlessly dissect the logic of entering one's body through the eyes. Listening to them discuss the preposterousness of "getting lost" in an eyeball, as there's only one path to follow, brings me joy. One would have to be a moron to get lost in an eye. And how does one expect to travel straight from the eyes to the heart? You'd have to pass through the brain, and hope you don't, as they emphasize, "strike a nerve," along the way.

Peter sulks away and plops right down next to me. Great.

"You know, you'd think former Erudite would be able to understand when they're being hit on." Peter scoffs.

"I think they noticed." I smirk.

He rolls his eyes. "And I thought ex-Amity would pay me on the back and tell me it'll go better next time."

"Dude, I'm from Erudite."

"Huh, I must have gotten mixed up. You act like such a Softie, you know." The look in his green eyes indicates that he meant it as an insult. I refuse to take it as one.

"What are you even doing here?" I sigh.

"Like I said, I was hoping for some of that Amity feel good energy." He scoffs.

I glance over at the girls he harassed. They're giggling amongst themselves, and after a moment, they quickly kiss each other.

"Dude, you hit on a couple of lesbians. Of course you struck out." I laugh to myself.

"Wait, really?" He whips his head around and fucking stares. What a creep.

I smack his chest lightly with the back of my hand. I don't mean anything violent by it. It's the same thing I'd do to Sebby when he'd stare at his girlfriend.

And then I realize I just hit Peter fucking Hayes.

I can feel the color drain from my face as Peter slowly turns towards me. It just provoked him. I'm so fucked.

"What did you just do?"

"I, I'm sorry! Sorry!"

"I'll make you pay for this." His tone is suggestive, surprisingly enough, but his eyes betray much crueler intentions. I gulp. Fuck.

And then he bursts into laughter. "Oh my God, you really do belong with the Softies!"

The color returns to my face all too fast, causing my ears to burn hotter than the sun. "I, uh-"

"Did you really think I'd try and get revenge for a weak little smack like that?" God, his laugh is cruel. He looks me up and down. "Though, I may have to do something about that anyway. You've got at least a couple things worth smacking."

Is he saying all this to rile me up? To scare me? To tease me?

I find myself oddly excited for our fight.

0-0-0-0-0

After a long train ride and a lot of embarrassing revelations about my sexuality, we leap off the train into a field of wheat. I'm half worried that Peter's going to shove me off, but he doesn't.

We're in Amity. What are we doing here?

It doesn't take me long to find my friends. Ash bleached his hair again yesterday, so now it's a light orange. It's strange seeing him with hair lighter than mine, but it makes him easy to pick out of a crowd. I look for Fin, but I can't find him. I actually can't find any of the Dauntless born I know. Are they not here? I'm a little bummed that I haven't gotten to say hi to Fin and siphon off some of his excess energy.

"Oh my god, my ass is so numb." I groan.

"Damn, what did you do on the way here?" Will smirks. Christina can't help but let out a short of laughter.

"I walked into that one, didn't I?" I scratch the back of my neck.

"You have a talent for it," Ash says.

Tris and Shuî are both flustered, as they always are when someone makes a sex joke. Tris is getting better about it, but Shuî seems even more embarrassed than usual.

Eric calls our attention, and we walk through the Amity fields. I expect the golden grains to be soft as they touch them, but their bristley instead. I suppose I should expect that from what's essentially big grass.

In the distance, I can see the Visitors' Center. Even the thought puts the taste of blueberries on my tongue. But we're not heading towards there. Instead, we're going to the Fence.

I've been fairly close to it before, within half a mile, but standing up close to it really hammers in just how big it is. You could stack twenty of me up and we'd probably just barely reach the top. Hell, the concrete base is at least four of me.

Why does it need to be so big? What could possibly be out there that we'd need this much protection?

"Attention, Dauntless initiates!" Eric yells from a raised platform. "Today, you'll be learning about one of the most populous job in Dauntless, Fence Duty. At the end of initiation, approximately one quarter of you will end up here, so you'd better pay attention."

So, if I somehow manage to get through Stage One and do well in the other stages, I'll probably end up here. Doesn't sound too bad.

Another man steps up to the platform. He has long red hair with flowers braided into it, and a flower crown haphazardly resting atop his head. He even has daisies decorating his beard. He's wearing a long green robe, and I can see flowy yellow pants as he takes long, easy steps.

"Greetings, Dauntless guests. I am Jonathan Alexander, though many of you will know me as Mr. Alexander or simply Mr. Alex from your field trips here as children." His calm voice is still the same as it was ten years ago, when he told me I should probably take a break from shoving blueberries down my throat since I'd already thrown up once. I, being a child, completely ignored his warnings.

"I'm Amity's lead visitor coordinator, so along with managing field trips, I also oversee the relations between Dauntless. After all, we are all dependent on each other, so it's crucial that we all get along." He smiles at all of us. Some people snort, but I think it's a nice sentiment. I understand how Dauntless as a whole would disapprove of their passivity. I'm sure Amity doesn't appreciate our aggression. But it's important for us all to get along.

"You know, he kind of looks like a ginger Jesus," Al whispers to me. I chuckle because he's right.

"When you work here, you'll be on a four days on, three days off schedule. When you're on duty, you'll be living in a station like this. You'll be working twelve hours a day, rotating between guarding the Fence and helping us load and unload trucks as necessary. It sounds like a lot of work, but I promise your days will go by fast." So it's going to be a lot of hard physical work. Well, I know if I can get through Stage One, I'll probably be strong enough to handle it.

"Actually, he kind of looks like you." Al whispers again.

"Really?" I don't really see it. Sure, he's pale and red haired, but that's where our similarities end. Though, I'm bad with picturing faces, especially my own, so he might be more similar than I realize. "Honestly, I wish I did. That beard is amazing."

"I know, right?" Al rubs at his own chin, his goatee sparse and wiry.

"Today, as it's a large harvest, we're asking for help, and Eric has so graciously volunteered his initiates. You'll be helping us make sure that our crops go to the correct places so that every Faction can benefit."

Aww, fuck, manual labor? At least this means we may get to skip fighting.

"You'll be working with us until 1:00, and then we'll all share a meal before sending you home." Mr. Alexander clasps his hands together. "You'll be assigned an area to work in by your Dauntless overseers. If you have any questions, feel free to come speak with me. I value each and every one of you as if you're my own children."

Once he dismisses us, I make my way through the crown towards him. I don't even have any particular questions, I just want to say hi.

"Hey, Mr. Alexander!"

He looks at me for a moment before his eyes light up. "Blueberry! I didn't recognize you with short hair."

"I'm surprised you recognized me at all. It's been, what, since I was in Mid Levels since I was last here?"

"I take care to remember everyone I meet. You never know when you'll meet someone again." His smile's as soft as always. "Though, I wouldn't have expected you to go to Dauntless, Cadence."

It's been a week since I've heard that name. It feels like it's been months. "Oh, I actually go by Crimson now! I realized I'm a boy."

"I guess a lot really does change in a few years. Crimson. I like it."

"Hey, Red!" Fuck, it's Eric. "We're assigning groups. What the hell are you doing?"

"Sorry! I just wanted to say hi to Mr. Alexander. I saw him at every field trip, and I wanted to see how he's doing."

Eric gives Mr. Alexander a look. "Do you really think it's okay to allow Dauntless initiates to be distracted like this?"

"If any of my children wish to speak with me, I'll gladly allow it."

"Yeah, but Red's not your child."

Mr. Alexander looks to the ground, an oddly crestfallen expression on his face. "Of course. I understand that he's in the care of Dauntless now." He looks me in the eyes. His are a warm grey. "Go with happiness, Crimson."

"Go with happiness."

And then Eric drags me away, his hand practically digging into my shoulder. "What the hell was that?" He asks, his voice almost a fucking growl.

"I just-"

"Do you regret coming to Dauntless? Because you're acting like one of these Softies, and that's a real bad look for me if one of my initiates isn't even pretending to belong in Dauntless."

God, Eric is a joyless sack of shit. I hold my tongue.

"I have half a mind to kick you out of Dauntless right here and now." Oh, fuck. My stomach drops. "You'd better fucking prove to me that you want to be here."

"Of course, sir."

Even after he let's me go, I still feel goosebumps crawling all over my skin.

0-0-0-0-0

It's been a couple hours since we've started, and holy hell am I exhausted. I've been drinking plenty of water, but let me tell you, loading crates of fruit for hours on end is tough work.

Shuî's in my group, but I haven't gotten to talk to him much. His skin is pale, which is odd, because mine's red with sunburns.

And then he collapses to the ground, apples spilling everywhere.

"Fuck!" I run up to him. His breaths are shallow and erratic, and when I touch his skin, it's slick with sweat.

None of the other Dauntless come to help. Some look at us, but they just love along with their tasks, like nothing's wrong.

Heat exhaustion. I should get him somewhere cool. I look around and see an open shed, and figure that's good enough. At least it's out of the sun. I try to pick him up by slinging his arm around my shoulders. He's light, surprisingly so, but he's still tall and unwieldy, so it's an awkward shuffle.

And then he gets lighter.

I look over and see a girl with a bright blue afro contrasting against her deep, warm skin. Another transfer? I glance down at her clothes, and she's in full Amity yellows and oranges.

"You're taking him in there, right?" She points right where I was heading, and I nod. "Alright, let's go."

We head inside and then lay him on the worn wooden floor. It's not the coolest place in the world, but it's so much better than the outside."

"Why's he even wearing long sleeves to begin with?" She asks.

"Because he's an idiot."

"That's not very nice." She chuckles a little. "Here, I'm going to get him some water. You should take off his shirt and shoes, maybe his pants too." She gets up and runs off.

God, his shirt is absolutely drenched in sweat. I get his shoes and socks off too, but decide against his pants. After all, stripping an unconscious person down to their underwear isn't the best look.

He's so skinny. I've noticed before, but goddamn. I'm surprised he's able to throw a good punch at all.

The girl comes back with a few bottles cradled in her arms. "They aren't ice cold, but it's better than nothing." She sets them down, the uncaps one. "Has he woken up?"

"Not yet."

"Alright." She dumps the water on his chest. "That should help a little." She then lays a bottle on his sternum. "I'm Gaia Marrows, by the way."

"Oh, I'm Crimson, and that's Shuî," I say as she holds a bottle against his forehead. "So, uh, did you used to be Dauntless?"

"What gave it away?" She touches a hand to her hair and grins. "I'm assuming you guys are transfers."

"Yeah. I'm from Erudite, he's from Abnegation."

"An unlikely friendship." Gaia muses. "Those tend to be the strongest, in my experience. Though, his background does explain the long sleeves."

Shuî's breathing is returning to normal. Good.

"So, uh, what's it like in Amity?" I ask.

"Oh, it's wonderful." Her smile is so wide and pretty and sincere. "The fresh air's a miracle in itself." Her smile turns melancholy after a moment. "Though, none of my friends are here to be with me. And I do miss the rowdiness of it all. Who knew a life without conflict could be so…" She shakes her head, as if shooing away any negative thoughts. "It's nice though. It really is."

"That's good to hear."

"How about you? You enjoying Dauntless?"

"I, uh… it's a lot. Rewarding, though, but it's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life."

"Yeah, transferring is like that." The expression on her face is happy, but I can see a deep loneliness reflected in her golden eyes.

I clear my throat after a few moments. "Hey, uh, should we find him a less gross shirt?"

"Honestly, mine will probably work." She's not as tall as him, but she's more sturdily built, so it'll probably fit better than if I'd offered my shirt, but-

It really shouldn't surprise me that someone from Amity would literally offer someone the shirt of her back. She's wearing a sports bra underneath, so it's not like she's just walking around naked, but… eh, she's ex-Dauntless, it's not like she probably hasn't been dared to streak or some shit, based on what Fin says.

"I should get going, but feel free to visit me when you get the chance." She plants a kiss on my cheek. "After all, here in Amity, a friend met once is a friend for life." She kisses Shuî on the cheek, leaving a perfectly shaped, wine colored lipstick stain, and then she's gone.

Only moments after she's stepped away, Shuî finally wakes up. "Did you just kiss me?"

My face flushes a bit. "No, uh, that was the girl that helped you. You had me worried, man." Though, now that he mentioned it, maybe I do want to kiss him too. It wasn't uncommon for me to kiss my friends on the cheek or forehead back home, and the only reason I'm not doing that now is because everything's so new. He's my friend, I shouldn't be afraid to kiss him.

He smiles a bit. "Don't worry, I'm fine." He looks down at his shirtless chest, and I turn away. I wasn't even particularly looking at him, but I don't want him to get the impression that I was.

"Here, Gaia left her shirt." I hold it out to him.

"Thank you." He puts it on tentatively. The bright yellow washes him out a bit, and it's almost a crop top on him, but it's better than nothing.

He drinks both bottles of water that were resting on him, and then we're good to go.

"What were you two just doing?" Four asks, eyes demanding an explanation. Fuck, I didn't even notice him. His arms are crossed. "Because it's really looking like you two were off galavanting with some Amity girl."

Galavanting? What does- Oh, my god, he thinks we were fucking or something. I mean, I can see how he'd arrive at that conclusion. She walked out with a shirt on, he's wearing said shirt, and we both have kiss stains on our cheeks.

I burst out laughing. I glance at Shuî for a moment, and, well, I'm glad the color is returning to his skin, even if it's all going to his face.

"Oh my God, Four, that's not what happened at all. Shuî passed out from heat exhaustion, so Gaia, that girl you saw, and I helped him into the shed to cool off."

"And why's he wearing her shirt?"

"Would you rather him wear a long sleeve shirt and pass out again?"

"And the lipstick stains?"

"Is an Amity just deciding to kiss a stranger really so surprising?" It's hard to stop myself from laughing. "Man, you really thought that Shuî, of all people, was out her fucking strangers. He's a moron, sure, but he's not a slut."

It's probably a low blow to call Shuî a moron for his clothing preferences, given everything I know about him, but I'll apologize after Four's gone. I really don't want him thinking I'm too soft too.

Four amusedly smiles for a moment before regaining his composure. "Look, I understand that you were helping your friend, but next time, make sure whoever's in charge knows if someone goes down. It'll help avoid any awkward misunderstandings."

"Yeah, sorry. I just didn't want to leave him alone in case he got worse, you know?"

"I understand. Now, get back to work." He takes a couple steps in the other direction, then stops. "It may seem like we discourage teamwork, but an important part of any job in Dauntless is having your allies' backs. From what it sounds like, no one else bothered to help?"

"No, sir."

He nods to himself. "Understood. Just don't let that supportive nature come back to bite you during initiation."

I'd really like to believe that teamwork is important here, but if it is, then why is Initiation so different? Why are we encouraged to burn bridges only to have to turn around and work together? Maybe I'm getting the wrong impression from Initiation. Maybe playing dirty will hurt us in the next stage.

Or, Four is wrong and kindness will still be quashed.

No, Four has to be right. I have to believe that on the other side of all this, there's not an irreparably broken faction, that's there's something worth being a part of.

Four's gone, and I turn to Shuî. "Hey, sorry for calling you a moron."

"No, it's my fault. Sorry I dragged you into this."

"Dude, me helping you isn't you dragging me into something. I want to help you. You're my friend." I take my hand and place it on his cheek, rubbing my thumb along the lipstick stain. It blends out a little, but it's going to take some effort to get it off. Oh well. He'll probably sweat it off anyway.

"I know, it's just strange. I'm used to people helping me out of obligation, since that's what we did, you know?" He tilts his head into my hand, just a bit. "It's nice to hear that someone actually cares about me."

"Shuî, of course I care about you." When did we get this close? There's almost no space between us. Our feet are touching, our chests are just one collective deep breath from bumping into each other.

Fuck.

It's almost comical how much taller he is than me when we're standing this close. I can't even imagine how Fin looks at this distance. Shuî always looks small, but now, he's everything I can see, and I never want to tear my eyes away.

Our lips finally meet. I'm on my tip toes, his neck is bent down at an awkward angle, but you know what, none of that matters, because I'm kissing Shuî, and he's kissing me. My arms drape over his shoulders to give me more leverage, so get me closer, so I can kiss him more, more, more. I never thought my first kiss (well, first non-platonic kiss, as I'm quickly realizing is what's going on.) would be quite like this, wearing Dauntless clothes but with the Amity sun beating down on us, wind swirling around, his hands on my back, pulling me closer, needing me.

I don't know how long we're like this. Seconds? Days? Until the end of time?

He breaks away, and I want to pull him back for more, but he seems almost… sad? "I'm sorry."

"What for?"

"I'm so selfish." He backs away. "I- I took something and came out wanting more?"

"I mean, kisses do tend to inspire… feelings?" Is he really going to apologise for popping a boner? Did he pop one? I probably shouldn't try and figure that one out.

"No, no, it's just-" He sighs and buries his face in his hands. "Is it wrong that I also want to kiss your brother?"

Oh. Oh. Okay. Cool. I, uh, I can work with that. "I mean, no, it's not weird." Of course he'd like him. Even though my brother's a dick sometimes, he's still likeable.

"But, like, I still want to kiss you and stuff. That's not- that's not how things work."

"Says who?"

"I don't know, everyone in Abnegation? And God, I kissed you after a week, that's too fast, and-"

"Fuck whatever Abnegation has to say about relationships. We're in Dauntless, and we're adults now. We can do whatever-" It takes all my strength to not add in 'or whoever'. "we want, you know?" I shrug. "And sure, it may be a little unconventional, but has anything been normal here?"

"No, I guess not."

"Right. And that shit about too fast is bullshit. If you know, you know. You know?"

"I really don't know." But he's smiling, at least a bit, through his hands.

"There's no standard we have to follow with this sort of thing. We can just kiss each other, kiss other people, and live without labels. That's always been my dream anyway."

He finally reveals his face again. "Yeah, I guess that does sound nice."

"As much as I'd like to keep kissing you and all that, we really need to get back to work. We'll talk more about all this later, okay?"

"Yeah, sounds good."

I give him a quick peck and then bounce off to do my work. I really, really, really don't want to get in trouble for not working. I have to stay in Dauntless. I already had reasons before, but now there's even more.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: hey sorry that was super late. It's weird writing one AU where these morons are getting together, and writing another one about their slow, painful breakup. I love these two (and, really, the entire eventual polycule, because of course that's what's going on here) so much, and it's really funny that they're in healthier relationships as child soldiers than a modern setting where they're all dumb college freshmen lmao.

Chapter 13

Shuî and I can't stop smiling whenever we see each other for the rest of the day. Christina, Will, and Al kept shooting us looks at lunch. Tris was oblivious, as always, and Ash seemed to look anywhere but at us.

Should I say something to him, or is whatever happens between him and Shuî none of my business?

The train ride back is relaxing. Shuî and I got separated from the rest of the group, but honestly, I'm kind of glad. It gives us a chance to be alone without their prying eyes.

Despite how hot it is, I rest my head on Shuî's shoulder and hold his hand in mine. He doesn't quite relax, but other than that time he was on painkillers, I don't think I've ever seen him completely calm.

I wouldn't call myself relaxed either. Content, sure, but my heart is hammering unlike anything I've ever experienced. I've never been quite this giddy.

Eventually, though, it's time to get off the train. I'm getting so much better at this, yet the impact stings as always. Shuî's there to help me stand, even though I'm mostly fine.

Part of me wants to kiss him right then and there, but then I remember his feelings on public affection, so I hold myself back.

God, I can't believe I only met him a week ago. I'd learned in school that high stress situations forged strong relationships, but I never thought they really happened so quickly. And sure, I know this is just infatuation, but I've never had my feelings so easily returned. Even just thinking about it makes my heart flutter.

We have the rest of the day off, thank God. I should probably thank Four or Eric, but honestly, I don't particularly like either of them. Max, maybe? I haven't really seen him since the first day, so I don't have a strong opinion of him in either direction. He did ignore a dead girl, so that's not great.

Damn, are there any leaders here that I'd like?

After we change back into non-sweaty clothes, the gang ends up going to the tattoo parlor, and we end up following. Sure, staying in the dorms and making out sounds real fucking nice, but I don't think Shuî wants to get walked in on. There's no expectation of privacy there.

Neither of us are planning to get a tattoo, so we just wander around the shop. We end up at a pillar covered in flower stencils, and it reminds me of the greenhouses in Amity. Instead of plants growing inside of glass, they're directly printed on, and it's beautiful.

He eventually grabs a sunflower stencil from the top and shows it to me. "Do you like it?"

"Oh, yeah, sunflowers are some of my favorites!" I smile.

He holds the plate up to my arm. "I think it would look good on you."

"Well, shit, now I've got to find one for you, yeah?" Despite him not coming from Erudite, I'm starting to associate him with the color blue. It may be because of that makeup look Ash did on him, but it's like he has this blue aura around him.

Besides, there's no grey flowers.

Eventually, I settle on a hydrangea. "I think this one suits you." Hydrangeas change colors based on the soil they're grown in, and even though it's only been a week, I can see a huge difference in him. His posture's gotten taller, more confident, and his smile is so bright.

"So, do you actually want to get these tattooed today?" He asks.

I press my lips together in thought. Frankly, I'm terrified of the idea of getting an actual tattoo. I don't know if the needles or the permanence scares me more. "I was thinking for my first tattoo, I'd get something to honor my brother, you know? I wouldn't be here without him, you know?" I don't even want to think of the person I'd be without him by my side.

"You know, you really should wait until after initiation to get any sort of relationship tattoo." Someone says behind me.

I jump and turn around. Fuck, it's just Rex. "Jeez man, it's like you don't want me to get a tattoo at all." Shuî also seems startled.

"I just don't want anyone getting bad tattoos." He shrugs, but I can see a strange bitterness behind his steely eyes. "Tattoo regret is a real problem here in Dauntless."

"I mean, come on, I'm talking about my brother, not some-" I'm about to say 'some rando I just met', but then I realize Shuî technically fills that definition, so I course correct. "We grew up together. We're not going to just suddenly fall apart or anything."

Rex folds his arms. "Here in Dauntless, bonds are forged in flames. Those who emerge will remain close for life, but not all bonds can withstand the heat." God, his eyes are intense.

My gaze turns to Shuî. Will we forge an unbreakable bond, or will we burn to ash? He looks at me, those brown doe eyes filled with worry, and I know he's thinking the same.

After a moment, I clear my throat in an attempt to clear out the intensity. "So, uh, since you're shooting down all my ideas, what do you think I should get instead?"

"Easy. A dragon."

"Why a dragon?" Shuî cocks his head to the side, just a little.

Rex shrugs. "I like drawing them."

And that's how Rex convinced me to get a dragon tattooed on my thigh. Should I be concerned that I'm so suggestible? Probably, especially for something so permanent. But it's a small tattoo, a slightly detailed outline of a wingless dragon. It actually kind of reminds me of a fancy flying snake. I got it on my outer thigh, a couple inches above my knee. I clung onto Shuî's hand the whole time, but it really wasn't that painful. Like, yeah, it hurt in a way I haven't experienced before, but honestly, my period cramps before I got my IUD were worse.

Maybe I just have a dumb uterus.

After it's done, Rex rubs some kind of fast healing gel on it and wraps it in clear wrap. He gives me a tube of the gel and tells me how to properly take care of the tattoo. I pay him the credits I owe, and Shuî and I head off on our merry way.

We wander aimlessly for a long time, eventually finding a secluded spot to talk away from prying ears. Well, 'talk' may be giving us too much credit. I've never had a chance to kiss someone I like so much, and he's never kissed anyone. Do words even matter right now? Sure, the actual act of kissing is weird and kind of boring, and I'm quickly remembering how gross tongues are, but the fact that it's Shuî makes my heart do jumping jacks.

Eventually, we end up going to the cafeteria. We're a little later than normal, but to be fair, it's not like we had training to dismiss us.

I want to go sit with Fin, but Shuî seems hesitant. Some of Fin's older Dauntless friends are sitting with them. May gives us a glare, and yep, we'll leave them alone.

It takes about twenty seconds after we sit down for Christina to ask "So, were you late because you were off making out?"

Shuî accidentally exhales water out of his nose with the most embarrassed sound coming out of his throat. He quickly covers up his face, eyes wide with surprise. Has he never laughed so hard water came out of his nose? Did he ever laugh at all before Dauntless?

"Well, that answers that question." Will smirks.

Ash gets up and leaves. Is he really that jealous? I start to get up to follow him, but then I realize that's probably a bad idea. He probably just needs to brood in peace, just like back home.

Christina asks question after question, causing my face to go red. It's not like we went that far or anything. Sure, we made out for a couple hours. Nothing more. It's not even that I'm not ready --though, I probably shouldn't feel ready, considering I've only been an adult for like a week-- but I think Shuî's head might explode if he even entertained the idea.

Eventually, after I fail to stammer out even a single answer, Al flicks a spoonful of mashed potatoes at Christina's face. "Knock it off dude."

And there must not be a God, because one of the Dauntless near us notices, and within moments there's a full blown food fight in the cafeteria.

0-0-0-0-0

Each day when we go into the gym, I'm terrified that I'm going to have to fight Shuî. Relief washes over me every time I'm paired against someone else, but then dread sinks in when I realize I'll have to fight him eventually. Maybe I won't, maybe I'll get lucky. I've somehow gotten paired up against Myra three times over the course of two weeks, so it must be random. Or Four's bad at counting. You'd think someone with a number for a name would be good at math, but whatever.

I also haven't been paired against Ash yet, which is nerve-wracking. I just want him to hurry up and kick my ass so there's no more of this dread.

My stomach drops when I see today's fights. It's not Shuî, nor is it Ash.

I'm fighting Peter Hayes today.

His state burns into my soul, making the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. I refuse to look directly at him, because if I do, I'll probably have a nervous breakdown, but I keep him in my periphery.

The first fight is Ash against Will. They're both doing pretty well, though I don't know their exact ranks, but I imagine they're both near the top. They almost run out the clock before Ash gets the knockout.

Peter's words from last week swim through my mind. 'You have something worth smacking.' Was that a threat or… what's the horny version of a threat? A proposition? When I'm sure he's not looking, I cast a sidelong glance. He wouldn't do something like that in the ring, would he? He looks over at me with a smirk, and I quickly turn away.

Would he?

I try to push those thoughts down by watching Shuî and Tris's fight instead. Neither of them seem eager to make the first move, which worries me. Shuî does a lot better when he's fighting defensively. I don't think I've ever seen him make the first move, except for maybe against Al. It's not even that he's bad at fighting offensively, but it seems like he just can't get past the emotional barrier of not hurting anyone. It's noble, but it's not helpful in this case.

Tris manages to win. That's going to be a big boost for her, since Shuî's generally doing well.

And then it's my turn to fight Peter. I take a deep breath and step into the ring.

God, why can't I ever figure out what he's thinking behind that smirk?

He throws the first punch, and I just barely dodge it. I try for a jab to his stomach, but once I realize he's going for another punch, I dodge again. Shit.

Before I can even find an opening, he lands a punch to my gut. It forces the wind out of my lungs, and I stumble back, but I manage to catch myself before I fall. I quickly get a jab to his ribs, but he grabs me, putting my head in a lock and pinning my right arm behind my back.

I flail uselessly with my free elbow for a moment, then Fin's words echo in my mind. I stomp on his foot with my heel as hard as I can. I don't think it hurt him too much, but it's enough for him to loosen his grip. I elbow him in the ribs with my newly free arm and use my other to get out of the lock.

Can't get too cocky. I take a deep breath and try to get a good blow to his stomach, just like he did to me. My punches are easily dodged, but by some miracle, my knee connects. I manage to headbutt him as he doubles over, and when I back away, his nose is bloodied.

I take too long to revel in my victory. Peter lands a kick straight to my gut, and I topple backwards. I fall on my side, but he kicks me onto my stomach and places his boot on my ribcage, pressing down just hard enough to where it hurts to breathe.

I try to get out, but he presses down harder. Four calls the fight.

Peter doesn't help me up, but he does seem to wait for me to catch up before he starts walking to the infirmary. Thankfully, I don't think anything's broken, and I can walk just fine.

He's eerily silent as we walk. He's almost more of an enigma than Shuî was (and sometimes still is) to me. At least with Shuî, a lot of his oddities can be explained by his Abnegation upbringing. Peter doesn't even function like any Candor I know.

Is he Divergent too, or just a dick?

Does he remember what he said on the train? Was he joking? Just trying to rile me up? Or was he legitimately trying to propose something? Is he trying to bait me into making a move so he can humiliate me?

Tris walks by us, hands wrapped up. She gives me a nod of acknowledgement, ignoring Peter.

"Hey, it's rude not to say hi!" Peter yells back at her. I half expect her to flip him off, since that's what I'd want to do, then I remember she's from Abnegation and may not even know what flipping someone off even means. She just keeps going. Peter rolls his eyes. "Stiffs can be pretty rude, am I right? At least she's pretty cute."

"Why are you talking to me like I'm one of your friends?"

"What, are you saying you don't like me or something?" He smirks. "Because you seem to be walking real close to me if you don't."

I take a step to the side. Fuck, when had I got so close.

"Though, aren't you dating that other Stiff?" Ah. He thinks he's caught me cheating.

"We're not exclusive." My tone sounds more defensive than I intended, but whatever.

"Can't help yourself around all these handsome guys, can you?"

I decide to leave out the part where Shui also wants to date my brother, because while I'm okay with it, I can see it sounding weird to an outsider. "You don't strike me as the monogamous type yourself."

"You calling me a whore?" Another one of those devilish smirks.

I'm tempted to say "if the shoe fits', but that's probably a bad idea. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with non-monogamy, as long as everyone knows what's up."

"No more sass? What a shame." He shakes his head.

Of course he was trying to bait me into something. I open my mouth, but then I realize we're at the infirmary already. I step inside and see Shuî sitting at the edge of one of the beds. "Hey, you good?"

Shuî smiles when he sees me, pressing an ice pack to his cheek. "Yeah, nothing's broken."

"Did you have fun getting beaten up by a little girl, Stiff?" Peter sneers as a nurse gets him ice for his nose.

Shuî glares at him for a moment, then turns his focus back to me. "Did your fight with him go okay?"

"I honestly expected him to toy with me more, you know? Thankfully, Four's good at calling fights before any serious damage happens." I sit down next to him, wincing a little at the pain. "I'm at least able to talk without passing out, so I consider that a victory."

"You do seem like you're getting better at fighting." He stands up. "I should probably get back. Don't want Four getting mad that I took too long." He looks around for a moment, making sure no one's looking right at us, then quickly kisses me. It's not that we're trying to keep anything a secret, he just doesn't like an audience. "See you in a bit."

"Yeah, see you."

A nurse comes to examine me. I'm given an ice pack for the bruises on my stomach, but I don't need anything else. Still, I rest for a few moments before returning.

It's strange how unfazed by violence I've become. I almost find myself relishing in delight as Edward beats the snot out of Drew.

I excuse myself to the restroom after a while, and when I look in the mirror, I barely recognize myself. I've changed so much in two weeks, and not just physically. I carry my body better, and my face just seems more confident. I don't think I've grown that much as a person, but my reflection certainly has.

We still have two weeks until Visiting Day, and I wonder if my parents will even recognize me as their son.

I turn away before I get homesick.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: if this chapter felt disjointed that's because it is. This was originally supposed to be the Capture the Flag chapter, but the first section seemed unrelated. Then I remembered that CtF is towards the end of the book's first stage, and we were only a week in our of the four weeks I established, so, uh, yeah. I didn't want to do a total time skip, so I figured I'd set up some stuff with Peter.

Chapter 14

After today's training, I just want to sleep. Should I invite Shuî to sleep in the bed with me? Sleeping on the floor can't be good for him. Then again, Edward started sleeping on the floor after the third day, since trying to share a twin bed with someone is practically impossible for someone of his size.

Luckily, Shuî doesn't ask, and I don't offer. Is it rude to prioritize my own sleep? Probably, but he's also probably ranked way better than me. Sure, he doesn't win all of his fights like Peter or Edward, but he definitely fights back, and he's a lot stronger than me.

The moment sleep finally claims me, however, the door slams open. "Everybody get up, we're going on another field trip!"

Is it morning already? My perception of time in this dorm is fucking awful. I groan as I get dressed, nearly tripping over Shuî as he gets up. At least I assume it's him. These dorms get dark as hell.

When we start on our way out to wherever we're going, I notice that not everyone's here. Is this a punishment for our groups doing poorly? Then I notice Fin talking excitedly with his friends and realize that no, this can't be the lower performing group.

"Yo, Fin, you know what's going on?" I ask, touching his wrist lightly to get his attention.

Those ocean blue eyes are remarkably wild for the middle of the night (and yes, I can confirm that it's night, since moonlight's pouring in through the glass above.) "Telling you would spoil the fun, wouldn't it?" He smirks. Good, so at least it'll be fun.

"Oh, for fucks sake, just admit that you don't have a clue either." Lynn lightly smacks him on the chest. Oh.

"Only because you won't tell me." Fin sticks his tongue out at her.

"You could figure it out if you had anything going on in that massive head of yours." She lightly shoves him to the side.

Marlene slides over to me and grabs my hand. God, she's so pretty. "Don't worry, Crim, I don't think it's anything bad." She glances up at Fin for a moment before cracking a grin. "I don't think Fin can hear us down here if you really want to know."

I nod. Man, I'm already exhausted. This shit better be fun.

"I'm pretty sure we're going to be playing Capture the Flag. Either that, or, well, they're taking us out to the pier to shoot us since we're in the bottom third, but I'm ninety percent sure it's the first one." She laughs a little to herself.

Capture the Flag sounds fun, or at least it would if I was awake at all. I look around and see Shuî supporting Ash by the waist to keep him upright as they walk. "Is this really the bottom group?"

"Oh God, I hope not! Between Fin, Uri, and Lynn, we've got to be in the top group." Marlene grins.

So, were groups picked randomly? Did they just knock on random doors until they had the right amount of people? Or are our top fighters among the best? I know I'm toward the bottom of my group, but is the success of the other's factored into my ranking? Are my peers making my rank go up by default, or if I were to fight someone in a less prestigious group, would I lose since I'm still considered weak?

Marlene squeezes my hand, taking me out of my own mind.

We arrive at the same tracks as earlier, but this time, there's a pile of guns with long barrels. Fuck, maybe they are going to shoot us. Next to the guns, there's boxes of ammo that simply say "PAINTBALLS". I breathe a sigh of relief. We're not going to die tonight. Probably.

"Everyone grab a gun!" Eric snaps.

The guns are heavier than what I'm used to, and they have a strap that allows me to carry it on my back. I grab a box of ammo as well. It looks like there's enough weapons for fifty or sixty people.

"Time estimate?" Eric asks.

Four checks his watch. "Should be here any minute now. How long is it going to take you to memorize the train schedule?"

"Why should I, whenever I have you to remind me?" Eric laughs, shoving Four's shoulder. I could almost believe they were old friends, growing up with playful hits like Fin and his friends, but there's too much tension, too many forced smiles. I wonder how I would perceive them if I didn't know that neither of them grew up here.

The train arrives, and we board it with minimal difficulty. It's hard to fail when you have Fin to catch you. God, he's strong. I know I point this out every time I look at his arms, and even though he's not beefy like Edward or even Eric, you can tell he's all muscle. Unfortunately, we're quickly separated as Four tells us to split into our classes.

After we're in a train car alone with our class and another random group (I assume they're also transfers, but I can't be sure.), Four speaks up. "We'll be dividing into two teams to play Capture the Flag." Marlene was right. "Each team will have an even mix of transfers and Dauntless born initiates. One team will get off first and find a place to hide their flag. Ten minutes later, the other team will do the same. This is a Dauntless tradition, so I suggest you take it seriously."

"What do we get if we win?" Ash shouts.

"Sounds like the kind of question someone who doesn't belong in Dauntless would ask." Four raises an eyebrow, unamused. "You get to win, of course."

"Four and I will be your team captains. If you're in Four's group, you'll go to the front train car. If you're in mine, head to the back." Eric looks up at Four. "Let's divide up your class first, shall we?"

Fuck, I'm going to get picked last.

"You go first." Four says.

"Edward." Eric picks, making the obvious choice.

Four leans against the train car's wall. He barely looks us over before deciding, "I want the Stiff."

People laugh around us. Does he have a plan, or is he really just trying to get in her pants? Tris seems embarrassed, and an odd mix of flustered and flattered.

"Got something to prove?" Eric asks, his signature smirk never faltering. "Or are you picking the weak ones so that if you lose, you'll have something to blame it on?"

Four shrugs. "Something like that."

He's probably just picking the better shots in the group. Who cares if she's small, as long as she can aim. Plus, being small makes her less of a target. Maybe he's trying to make Eric overconfident? This whole thing seems more mental than physical, the more I think about it.

"Your turn." Four says, picking at his cuticles.

"Peter."

"Christina."

"Ash." Fuck, that sucks. Either I'll be on the opposite side as him, which is likely based on Four's choices so far, or I'll have to be on Eric's team to be with my brother.

Four does a decent job at hiding his disappointment. "Crimson."

I give Ash a quick wave before I disappear into the car in front of us. He nods a little in acknowledgement as he goes the opposite direction.

Four calls Will's name, and I don't hear Eric's next pick. Fuck, did he get Shuî? Thankfully, Shuî stumbles in after a moment.

New people start trickling in, and I notice we all generally have the same body type, minus a few. We're all skinny and likely fast. Part of me wonders how Four is able to pick others. Does he have a list of names, or is he just pointing and saying "You, you're on my team." I smile at the thought.

Thankfully, there's some familiar faces from the Dauntless born. Uriah, Lynn, and Marlene all come in right after each other. Unfortunately, no Fin, as he was chosen first out of their class. Of course he was.

After a couple minutes, we all leap off the train. There's about thirty of us in total, so those of us who jumped last have to job to catch up with the rest of the group. The ground's slightly damp, and the smell of rain still lingers in the air, but the clouds have rolled away, letting the moonlight cast down on us. Still, it's dark, and the only reason I know it's Shuî holding my hand instead of some random stranger is the awkward stiffness in his hand.

Someone up front turns a flashlight on, but after a brief argument, turns it right back off. We end up at the area of town that used to be called Navy Pier, an amusement park that's long since shut down. I'm surprised that they haven't torn it down, but I suppose no one wants to live right next to a marsh. The smell of freshly churned mud fills my nose.

There's been some talk about reopening the park, apparently, but it's never gone very far. It would be an absolute waste of electricity, they say. Though, couldn't the same be said about all the arcades in the city's common areas just west of here? The theaters? The sporting events? Entertainment is an essential part of our society.

I find myself wondering if Shuî's ever seen a play. I would bet my life that he's never been to an arcade, but was he ever allowed to attend any after school events?

As we gather around the broken down carousel, I imagine what it would be like to ride one. I climb onto one of the fake horses. This thing couldn't have gone very fast, because the only sort of harness is a fabric loop that's seen much better days.

“In less than ten minutes, the other team will pick their location,” Four says. “I suggest you take this time to formulate a strategy. We may not be Erudite, but mental preparedness is one aspect of your Dauntless training. Arguably, it is the most important aspect.”

Will takes the flag from Four. “Some people should stay here and guard, and some people should go out and scout the other team’s location,” Will says.

“Yeah? You think?” Marlene plucks the flag from Will’s fingers. “Who put you in charge, transfer?” It's the first time I've seen her be mean, at least to anyone but Fin, who almost always deserves it. Then again, I barely know her. Still, it's offputting to see her being rude to one of my friends, even if it's out of a desire to win rather than just being mean for meanness' sake.

“No one,” says Will. “But someone’s got to do it.”

“Maybe we should develop a more defensive strategy. Wait for them to come to us, then take them out,” suggests Christina.

“That’s the sissy way out,” Uriah says. “I vote we go all out. Hide the flag well enough that they can’t find it.”

Everyone bursts into the conversation at once, their voices louder with each passing second. Myra defends Will’s plan, and I would too if my voice could reach over anyone else's; the Dauntless-born initiates vote for offense; everyone argues about who should make the decision.

After a few minutes, I notice Shuî and Tris have both vanished. What, did their time in Abnegation give them some good super secret strategy for capture the flag? I look around and see Shuî sitting on the edge of the pier. I figure that I'm not doing anything worthwhile by watching to group argue, so I walk over and sit next to him. "Hey, you good?"

Shuî shrugs and looks up to the sky. "You know, it's really nice whenever the city turns it's lights off so we can see the stars."

It really is a beautiful sight. It must be past midnight, because I can only see a few lights on in the Erudite sector. God, we're less than a mile from home. I wonder how my parents are doing without me. No matter what I chose, I wouldn't be living with them anymore, but now my visits will be infrequent. I hope they still love me, even though I'm Dauntless now and shouldn't
care about those things.

"Hey, have you two seen Tris?" Four asks, not even acknowledging the fact that we abandoned the group.

Shuî idly points towards the Ferris wheel. "She didn't say what she was doing."

Four doesn't even thank us, he just speedwalks in that direction, muttering to himself.

"He's so in love with her, holy shit." I mutter to myself. I really hope it's requited, because how awful would it be to be pursued by someone who could destroy your life if you said no?

"He is?" Shuî asks, not really directing the question at me. His eyes are still glued to the sky.

"Why do you look at the sky so much, anyway?" I ask, leaning my head on his shoulder.

"God's out there somewhere." The wistful smile on his face falls a little. "Though, I think he stopped listening to us a long time ago."

I hum in thought. I don't really believe in God, though I do seem to say his name a lot. I wonder what it's like to believe in a higher power, and invisible force drawing people together. I don't like the idea of fate, but I wonder if to some, that's more comforting than everything being the consequences of others' actions.

Then the Ferris wheel starts to move with a metallic scream. It startles me awake (shit, was I asleep?), and Shuî seems spooked as well.

Fuck, we just gave away our location. Why? The only thing I can think of is that they're using it to scout, but couldn't they just climb it? We scramble back to the rest of the group just in time for Tris and Four to run back. Some of the Dauntless born initiates must have ran off to go look for the flag.

“Where’d the others go?” asks Four. He looks more excited, more alive than I've ever seen him.

“Did you guys turn on the wheel?” One of the other Dauntless borns asks with a snarl.. “What the hell are you thinking? You might as well have just shouted ‘Here we are! Come and get us!’” She shakes her head.

“The wheel doesn’t matter,” says Four. “We know where they are.”

“We?” says Christina, looking from Four to Tris.

“Yes, while the rest of you were twiddling your thumbs, Tris climbed the Ferris wheel to look for the other team,” he says.

“What do we do now, then?” asks one of the Dauntless-born initiates through a yawn.

Four looks at Tris, and I can see her swell with pride. She thinks for a moment. "They're at the park at the end of the pier. We'll split into two groups. One group will approach from the right and charge, while the other group will sneak in from the left. Left group will probably need to split into pairs or trios to help avoid detection."

Surprisingly enough, no one objects. Then again, half the Dauntless borns ran off on their own, so we only have the reasonable ones.

Shuî and I end up in Tris's left group, AKA all the skinny fuckers in the group. There's eight of us in total: Tris, Christina, Me, Shuî, Marlene, Myra, and a couple former Erudite boys whose names escape me.

We run to the end of the dock, slowing our paces as we enter the wooded area. There, we split off into our duos and start combing the area, looking for the blinking light on their flag. Unfortunately, it's almost the same color as all the fireflies, so I'm having a hard time telling what's what.

Shuî's remarkably good at walking quietly. I guess that makes sense, given Abnegation values blending into the background, and loud footsteps are antithetical to that, but still, we're walking through bushes and overgrowth. The only reason I know he's still next to me is the sound of the gunstrap clicking against the gun and the firefly that's landed on his cheek. The cicadas drown anything else out.

Shots erupt to out right, and I hear a shout. "Fuck, Fin, they're here!" Ash is less than twenty feet away from me, and I could barely see him under the cover of night. He turns quickly, presumably tying to find Fin, and Shuî pulls me down just moments before Ash looks in our direction.

My gun's pointed right at him without even a thought passing through my brain.

He must have heard us rustling, because he moves in our direction. Any moment, the fireflies will illuminate us and reveal our location. I have to take the shot.

The gun's so much different that the one's we've trained with, but it's still a gun. My finger hovers over the trigger, and then I pull it, sending little orange spheres flying towards him, and oh my god I just shot my brother I shot my brother I shot him Ishothim I-

Something hits my shoulder, stinging as it splatters me with cyan paint. Fuck. Shuî shoves me out of the line of fire, taking the rest of the shots as he fires back.

"Oh, come on, it was you guys who got the jump on me?!" Ash yells in frustration as he lowers his gun, presumably out of ammo. He grunts and takes his gun off, tossing it to the ground. "Of all the people on your team, of course it had to be you guys." The fuck does he mean by that? "Hey, Fin, where the fuck did you go? Could've really used the backup!"

"Hey, chucklefucks!" The trees rustle above us, and suddenly Shuî's cheek is painted orange. Something hits me in the chest, and then another, then another, and I'm dyed orange as well. A third volley of shots hits Ash in the abdomen, one hitting right on his dick.

My head whips up to the sky, and I'm met with Fin's wicked grin as he perches in one of the trees.

"The fuck did you hit me for?!" Ash yells, trying his hardest not to double over in pain.

"You weren't paying attention, dumbass!"

I raise my gun at him, but my body hesitates just enough for him to disappear up into the tree. Green paint splatters where he once was. "Come and get me!" He taunts, just out of sight.

"Fuck," I mutter under my breath as I stand up. I consider shooting into the tree and trying to hit him, but I can't see him, and I don't want to knock him out of the branches and accidentally hurt him.

Suddenly, someone picks me up by my legs. "Go get him!" Shuî yells, his cheek pressed against my shorts.

It takes a moment to respond, but I grab onto the branch above me, and Shuî helps boost me up. Luckily, once I'm in the actual tree, the branches are much easier to navigate. I glance back down at them. Shuî gives me a thumbs up of confidence, while Ash is still grumbling. Has he always been this much of a sore loser? I haven't seen him lose much at anything, especially not since we got out of Lower Levels.

I climb straight up, and I eventually see the bottom of Fin's shoe disappear up further. Of course he's going to the very top. What else would a Dauntless do? I don't know how far I've climbed, but there's no giving up now.

I catch up to Fin just before the branches start to thin out. He's straddling a branch that looks like it's barely enough to support his full weight, and he's holding on to another branch by his head to hold himself steady. His gun's slung on a branch a few feet below him, out of reach. "You know, we're almost a hundred feet in the air, so if you try and shoot me, I might actually die." He smirks. "So, truce?"

"You bastard." I grin as I stand on a branch, leaning back on a branch behind me so that I'm eye level with Fin. "Did you climb up here so that Ash wouldn't chase you for abandoning him?"

"What, he's scared of heights or something?" Fin smirks. "Nah, I was just trying to snipe people from up here, but there's not really any good sightlines from up here. You'd think the tallest tree in the area would be great for that, but the other trees got in the way."

"You'd think Eric would want you on the offense."

"He didn't have any say. Peter took charge, and I think he knew Ash and I would steal his thunder if he let us go for the flag."

"And you took that?"

Fin shrugs. "Gave me a chance to practice my long range shots. Or so I thought. But when I realized that I was useless being up here, I figured you'd locate Ash through your twin telepathy or whatever, and then I'd have someone to talk to at least."

"You couldn't just talk to Ash?" I ask. "And we're not twins. Hell, we're not related by blood at all."

Fin lets out a hearty chuckle. "Oh God, and listen to his bitching all night? I like him well enough, but he's already kind of a priss, and God, he wouldn't shut up about being sidelined. I told him to go against the plan if he really wanted the glory. I'm honestly surprised he stuck around. And I know you're not twins, but you definitely have that weird sibling telepathy or whatever."

"Ash, a priss?" I cock my head to the side. "And no, I don't have telepathy."

"Haven't you heard him constantly bitching about how he misses his fucking manicures and how he can't sleep because the beds at too lumpy or whatever? Erudite borns are annoying." His eyes soften a bit when he looks at me. "Not you, though, you're great."

It feels like I've fallen into a parallel dimension. Ash being the annoying one? All my life, I've always felt like I was the annoyance, clinging onto my brother because I was terrified of making friends on my own. All of my friends were his first. I was just the awkward little sister.

I almost fall from my spot, but Fin catches me, his long arm wrapping around my waist as he pulls me close, his strong fingers splayed against my stomach. I clutch onto his shirt to keep my balance, but I know he won't let me fall.

The wispy clouds in front of the moon drift away, illuminating us in moonbeams. I've never really noticed how Fin's eyes catch the light like sapphires, burning deep into me like a burning blue flame.

"So I've been meaning to ask: What's you and Shuî's deal? You two an item, or…"

I blush a little. "I mean, we're dating-" Is dating what we're doing? I really need to figure out what's going on, because while not having to adhere to labels is great, it does make it hard to explain. "But we're not exclusive."

"So there's room for one more, then?" He smirks as he pulls me in close.

My heart leaps in my chest. I can barely get out an 'uh-huh' before Fin kisses me. He's a lot more aggressive about it, more confident, more practiced. He's not shy or hesitant like Shuî. He knows exactly how to do what he wants, and it's almost too much.

He pulls away after a few moments. "God, you're so cute."

My brain can't even form the words 'thank you'. All I can do is grin like an idiot.

Cheers and yells erupt from the ground below, and I assume our team must have found the flag. "We should probably get back down. Need help?"

He helps me steady myself, and then we begin our descent. Despite my exhaustion mixed with giddiness, I have no problems getting down. Fin leaps to the ground before me, then catches me when I lower myself down off the lowest branch.

Ash and Shuî were standing real close, whispering among themselves, and they also practically jumped away from each other when Fin landed. I don't ask what they were talking about.

As we walk towards the rest of the initiates, Fin turns around. "Oh, guys, I almost forgot, but we're having a party for Marona's birthday next Saturday. You guys want to come?"

Parties have never been my thing, and right now the idea seems exhausting, but I need to assimilate better into Dauntless culture, so fuck it. "Yeah, sure, sounds good."

Shuî seems hesitant at first, then he grabs my hand. "Yeah, sure, if I have you guys to hang out with."

"Ash, you coming?"

Ash looks even worse than normal, his sleep deprivation turning his normal crankiness to straight up bloodlust. He blinks slowly and looks up at Fin. "Sure, got nothing better to do." God, his voice is so terse.

Fin claps his hands together. "Awesome! Now, let's get back so we can get some sleep."

"I didn't know you slept." Shuî smiles a little, almost like he's trying to smirk.

Fin smirks back. "I mean, I can't be a perpetual motion machine. I've gotta recharge sometime, you know?"

"I'm honestly more surprised that you know what a perpetual motion machine is." I laugh a little.

"Oh, trust me, I'm full of surprises." Fin winks as we join up with the crowd.

0-0-0-0-0

My team won. My heart swells with pride, even though I didn't really do anything. Surely this will help boost my ranking. Wait, is this even for points? It has to be, right? Even though Four said this was just about bragging rights, there's no way it won't factor in.

Shuî's sitting next to me, trying to sleep. I'd honestly be surprised if anyone could fall asleep on something so rickety.

Fin leaves his group of Dauntless friends and plops down on my other side. "Hey, so Crimson, real talk"

"Yeah, what's up?"

"I gotta be upfront since you're great and I don't want to lead you on, but I'm not into the whole romance thing. I still want to be friends and sleep with you eventually, if you want that, but I don't really experience romantic attraction. It's-" he yawns. "Kinda hard to explain."

"Oh, you're aromantic?" I ask.

"Yeah, but most people don't know what I mean when I say it, so it's faster to just explain it before people ask, you know?" He shrugs.

"Dude, I'm from Erudite, the kings of putting complex topics into single words." I grin. "And yeah, that's all good with me."

"Good, good. Hey Shuî, that all good with you?"

Shuî's eyes open just a bit. "Hmm?"

"I don't wanna date you, but I'll be your friend and fuck you if you want."

Shuî gives a quiet hum of approval before falling back asleep.

"I'll ask again when he's awake." Fin grins. He turns and lays his head on my lap, long legs bunched up tight to make room for the people sitting next to him. "Damn, your thighs are soft." He grabs one and squeezes a little, causing an involuntary giggle. "Hey, Shuî, you ever gotten to feel these?"

"Huh?" I'm seriously surprised that Shuî's managing to fall asleep.

"Here, come on." Fin grabs Shuî by the shoulder and pulls him so his head's also resting on my lap. "See, there's room for two of us."

"Is this okay with you?" Shuî asks, looking up at me with those doe eyes.

"Yeah, it's just my legs." I grin.

He smiles in contentment, then falls right back to sleep.

Part of me wonders if I've fallen asleep and this is just a dream, but it feels too tangible, too many little details like Shuî's breath on my thigh and the way my fingers comb through Fin's curls. I look around, and everyone else is laughing, celebrating, throwing paintballs. Then my eyes land on Ash, who's glaring daggers into my soul from the opposite corner of the train car, and I realize that this has to be real, because I can't even imagine that kind of venom.

0-0-0-0-0

Fin carries Shuî's sleeping body as he leaps off the train and still manages to stick the landing. Maybe someday I'll be as good as him, but for now I'm still picking gravel off of my knees.

Ash hangs towards the back of the group as we walk back into the compound. I let my footsteps slow, leaving Fin and Shuî to their own devices.

"Hey, what's up?" Do I sound too casual? I meant to sound more… well, not accusatory, but confrontational. Do I need to be harsh, or am I just reading into the situation too much.

"You know what's up." He scoffs, not even looking down at me.

"No, dude, I really don't!" Is he jealous of me and Shuî? Pissed because he lost? Something else entirely?

He slows down even further until everyone's passed us, then slams me into the wall. "Don't play dumb, you conniving little bitch!"

"Ash, what the fuck?!" I try to push him away, but his forearm is across my shoulders, pinning me against the wall. The rocky surface digs into my skin.

"You really think you can just take everything I have? You steal all my friends, then you go and take my chances at victory through no effort of your own!" His eyes are wide and bloodshot, dark circles baked into his dry skin, strings of off-white hair dangling in front of his face.

"Dude, when's the last time you slept?" I try to pull his arm off me, but he shoves me back harder.

"Don't do your whole fake concern bullshit! I know who you really are!"

"I'm not- what?! And what's all this about stealing friends. Sure, yeah, I hang out with the same people you do, but you can still hang out with them too!"

"I've literally never had even one person to myself!" Ash yells in frustration. "You even steal the people I like! What, was one boyfriend not enough? You have to keep them all to yourself!"

Something clicks in my brain. "My God, you really are just jealous over Shuî! Look, dude, he likes you too! I kinda assumed that's what you were talking about when we got down from the tree."

Ash's hold on me softens a bit, and his eyes widen as he takes a deep breath. He shakes his head. "Not the fucking point. You ended up on the winning team, and now you're going to get points for doing absolutely nothing!"

"Oh, like you were doing much of anything!" I snap back, pushing him off of me. "And besides, this wasn't even graded! Four himself said it's just for bragging rights!"

He rolls his eyes. "If you really think that we won't be scored for that, then maybe you aren't the manipulative whore I thought you were. Maybe you're just a fucking moron." He starts walking down the hall, away from the dorms.

"Ash, wait!" I turn to face him, but I know I should just let him go cool off. "Please get some sleep tonight."

He flips me off and rounds a corner.

Is that really what he thinks of me? Does he really think I'm out to get him? As I walk back to the dorms, I slowly realize that he's just projecting, that he's been out to get me this whole time.

I don't know my brother anymore. I don't know if I've ever known him.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: hey so Ash is a judas ass bitch hello. Was very excited to write this chapter, and I hope it turned out good. I hope I set it up well, oof.

Chapter 15

Ash's POV

I had a feeling I would end up losing as soon as I joined Eric's team. Between Edward and Peter's egos, they'd clash so hard with the strong-headed Dauntless, and I didn't want to get caught in the crossfire. Besides, I don't want to make myself a target for Peter. He's dangerous, and the less he thinks of me as a competitor, the safer I am.

Is it cowardly to prioritize my own safety over a game of Capture the Flag? No, it's the smart call. I can't make it into Dauntless if Peter slashes my tendons in my sleep.

There's a reason I don't sleep much here.

Still, as I stand in the forest, over a hundred feet from the flag, I curse myself for going with their plan. They sidelined all their strongest players for defense while Peter and Edward tried to find the other team's flag. I would have already found it if I'd had the chance. I consider abandoning my post, but Fin's already run off, and I don't want to be blamed for our loss.

Yet somehow, Crimson is the one to shoot first. I'm barely able to hit him once before perfect, selfless Shuî shoves him to the side and takes most of my shots.

How does Crimson manage to get everyone wrapped his fingers so effortlessly? I don't know what happened with them in Amity, but ever since then, they've been fucking inseparable. I can barely get a word in with Shuî without his eyes wandering to whatever Crimson's doing. Hell, he even boosts Crimson to go chase Fin up the tree, when it's obvious that Fin's going to ask him out up there.

"Is everything alright?" Shuî asks, looking up at me with those big brown eyes. The moonlight's filtered through the trees, only touching patches of his skin. God, his lashes are long, fluttering against his cheeks as he blinks.

"What makes you think it's not?"

Shuî shrugs. "You just look tired."

"I'm always tired." I lean my shoulder against the tree. "How about you? You alright?"

"I'm probably going to have welts all over my stomach, but in general, I'm doing well."

I resist the temptation to tell him it's his own fault for throwing himself in front of Crimson. "Same. These hurt more than I thought."

"I've felt worse." Shuî mutters under his breath.

I don't press for more information, and instead just watch his face shift back into the mask he puts on for the rest of us. "Tonight's been nice." He leans on the tree as well, yawning.

A question I've had for a while burns at the back of my throat. I can pretty well guess everyone's Aptitude Test results. Most are Dauntless, of course, though I'm pretty sure Al is Amity just like my brother, and I'm positive Tris and Peter are both Divergent between Dauntless and Erudite like me, but I can't place Shuî. Is he Divergent, or just weird? He must be Divergent, right?

I'm not Candor, and I usually don't care about people's secrets, but something about the way Shuî looks at me makes me want to dissect his brain.

"Hey, Shuî, can I ask you something?"

"Oh, sure." He steps closer, his head tilted to the side just so.

I lean in closer, staring into those eyes, watching his pupils dilate as I block out the moonlight. I have to know. "Are you Divergent too?"

His breath hitches in his throat, and his eyes widen in fear.

That's all the answer I need.

Fin jumps down from the tree, and Shuî jumps, startled.

Of course they had to ruin the moment. Shuî gives me a small nod before melting back into the meek, selfless version of himself. The way he holds Crimson's hand like there's not a massive target on his head, accepting invites to parties where he doesn't know who to trust, it's sickening. How can he just put away that fear and live like normal? Every moment I'm watching my back, waiting for someone to discover me, and Shuî can just exist without worry?

Of course I'm going to the party. Someone has to make sure Shuî doesn't get into any trouble.

0-0-0-0-0

Shuî's able to fall asleep in a public place. He's so naive it hurts sometimes. But that's not what's bothering me right now.

How the hell is everyone so captivated by Crimson?

You'd think that someone as weak and non-competitive as him would be eaten alive in Dauntless, but it seems to have the opposite effect. I understand why someone like Shuî would befriend him, birds of a feather and all, but Fin? From the moment they saw each other, he's been constantly staring, completely unable to tear himself away. It's almost creepy, and at first I was looking out for Crimson, but he seems to encourage it.

How the hell can Crimson just sit there and have multiple people fawning over him? How does he get everything he wants?

How does Crimson get everything I want?

The realization hits me like a truck to the chest. All our lives, ever since we met, our parents have always prioritized him over me. It's subtle, and I can't believe I never noticed, but they pushed me way harder than they ever pushed him. I had more potential, they said. I was never at my max, I needed to take harder classes to pursue a career. Crimson's expectations were always so much lower.

I almost always had to bring Crimson along whenever I went somewhere with other friends. After all, he (well, "she" as far as our parents knew) was shy and had trouble making friends of his own. And sure, my friends always liked him. Looking back, I wonder if they liked him more than they liked me.

And there Crimson is, with Shuî right in his lap, twirling those short waves in his fingers. I don't even realize I'm staring until Crimson's eyes catch mine.

And then I swear to God, he smirks at me.

He knows. He fucking knows what he's doing. How long has he known what he does to people? How long has he been turning people against me?

0-0-0-0-0

Part of me wonders if shoving my brother into the wall was too much. But there's no way the fear in his eyes was real, right? After all, he's my brother. He loves me. He wouldn't be scared of me. He trusts me. Does he love me? Does he trust me? Should I trust him?

Did I fuck up by telling him I'm Divergent? Will he turn that against me? Did I just utter my own death sentence that night?

I wake up to the sound of rushing water. Shit, did I pass out? My eyes snap open. I'm on the floor only inches away from the Chasm, my fingers dangling over the side.

I push myself frantically and check my body for any wounds, my clothes for any missing knives. No one's touched me.

"You don't look too good, Ash."

I look around, and my eyes settle on Aster, one of the nurses.

"I'm fine." I stand up, but my body takes a while to stabilize.

"You're sleep deprived. How much sleep have you gotten in the past week?"

Why does he want to know? Who's he going to tell? "Did Crimson tell you to check on me?"

"No?" He shakes his head, light brown curls flopping in his face. "Come with me. I can help you." Right, nurse boy. Sleeping meds.

"I'm not taking any sleeping medications from you. None of them work." Would Dauntless have anything they haven't tried on me? And why would I sleep when everyone's going to betray me?

"Who said anything about sleep?" He flashes a grin, something sinister.

I'd rather trust what I know to be sinister, because at least I'll be prepared when they doublecross me.

0-0-0-0-0

It's 4:36 AM, not that that helps me figure out how long I'd been unconscious for. I didn't take my watch to Capture the Flag, which I regretted the whole time. The analog clock in the infirmary is the only thing reminding me what time it is, each tick echoing in my brain until I want to scream.

"So, I take it you're an insomniac?" Aster asks, unlocking a medical cabinet. "How much sleep do you get a night?"

"Two hours, if I'm lucky. Sometimes I don't get any at all."

Aster stops for a moment. "Shit, that's worse than I thought. At this rate, you're probably dealing with fatigue, hallucinations, paranoia…"

"I'm not paranoid." Paranoia is unreasonable suspicion. I have plenty of evidence for my distrust in people.

"Uh-huh," he says, like he doesn't believe me at all. He mutters a quick 'ah-hah' as he pulls out a prescription vial. "Now, what I'm about to offer is illegal, unethical, and medically unviable. This is by no means a permanent measure, but it's your best shot at getting through stage one, if you're a gambling man like I am." He sets it in front of me, and I look at the ingredient label. Active ingredients: dextroamphetamine saccharate, amphetamine aspartate, dextroamphetamine sulfate and amphetamine sulfate. Stimulants mostly used for ADHD, if my memory serves me.

"Amphetamines, huh?"

He flashes a wicked grin. "You see, we have prescriptions here for everyone who transfers. However, many of the people who require medicine don't make it through stage one, and many drop out before the midway point. Unfortunately, most of those people forget to pick up their meds. We're supposed to dispose of them properly, of course, but no one's really paying attention." He sits in the stool next to me. "I can't legally prescribe it to you, but as long as we're hush hush, no one will ask any questions."

I turn the vial in my hand. "Why are you helping me, anyway? You're risking your job for this. Hell, in Erudite, they'd probably skin you alive and use your corpse for some unethical research."

"You see, my lady Alexa has… expensive tastes." He wistfully glances towards one of the other workstations. "An above ground apartment, brand new clothes, a shiny new synthetic black diamond on her finger… she wants it all. I want to make her happy, of course, and I'm a gambling man. Some of the bets made on new initiates can make a man rich and his woman happy, and I bet on you getting top five."

"So you're making money off me?" I turn the vial again, memorizing each and every letter.

"You see, it's mutually beneficial. You get to win, I get to profit."

I set down the vial. "Why bet on me?"

He shrugs. "You're easily recognizable and have potential. Plus, you're not Dauntless born, so less people are betting on you, which means higher profit margins for me, assuming you do well."

"Who's got the most bets?" I ask.

"Oh, Infinity Perkins, obviously. He's recognizable, well liked, and his supposed involvement in his father's death gives him this larger-than-life mysterious vibe. Of course, since everyone thinks he's going to win, there's not much money to be made."

I raise an eyebrow. "What are you talking about? Fin said his father's still alive."

Aster looks me in the eyes, his grey and intense. "And you really buy that? You do realize his whole himbo thing is just an act, right?"

I've never really had any reason to distrust Fin, but looking back, there's no reason for me to really trust him either. "How was he involved?"

"The rumors vary depending on who you ask, but generally, it goes like this. Infinity's dad, Roderick Perkins, was a real asshole. Drunk, drug addict, wife beater, nurse harasser; you name it, this guy did it all. He'd been divorced for a while, after Plumeria beat him with a broom for almost killing their children due to negligence, or straight up beating them in some versions of the story. Regardless, he was in and out of the hospital all the time. No one liked him, and his requests often went unanswered. Late meds, shitty food. It's probably unethical, but Dauntless nurses are notorious for playing favorites." He shrugs. "Anyway, he ended up to the hospital after supposedly going and harassing his ex. Infinity, who was twelve years old at the time, was his last visitor, and Rod died minutes after Infinity left."

"Oh," is all I can say at the moment. "How did he kill him?"

"The rumors vary. Some say he was slashed to death and Infinity dyed his hair with the blood, some say he slipped him some poison. It was officially announced as a heart attack, and no one bothered to investigate further. He was a blight on Dauntless, and when his body was burned, no one mourned. I looked into the death reports, and my theory is that he injected syringes of air into his father's veins." Aster smirks a little. "Seems like a bit of a stretch for a twelve year old Dauntless kid to know how to do it, but it's not impossible."

Fuck. I really can't trust anyone anymore, can I? But what if Aster's lying to me too? He looks sincere, but that doesn't mean much when he's a total stranger.

I thumb the vial's cap. I'll have to trust someone at some point. "What are the side effects?"

"It varies by person. The ones I've noticed most around here are loss of appetite, digestive issues leading to weight loss, trouble sleeping, and paranoia. Though, you already suffer the last two." What he's saying tracks with what I learned in Erudite. "You can come to me if it doesn't work out and we can figure something out. I want you to win all this."

Who to trust, who to trust? Crimson claims to love me unconditionally, but I've always been a cynic. Aster has something he wants from me, and is willing to get in trouble to help me. I can walk away from him at any point.

"You a gambling man, Ash?"

I flip the lid off. "Tonight, I am."

0-0-0-0-0

I feel like I've ran down every path in Dauntless. It's strange, my eyelids are no longer heavy, my thoughts are clear as day. I'm ready for a fight, I'm ready to-

"Today, you'll be fighting after lunch. For now, you'll be learning to aim. Everyone take three knives." Eric sounds pissed off.

That's fine. A new skill to master.

Tris is the first of us to hit the board, after some banter with Peter. I'm not terribly surprised, she's been talented at everything that's not hand to hand combat.

I hit the target on my next throw, the same time as Christina.

After I get into a rhythm, all I can focus on is my knives, the target, and Shuî's bruised, delicate hands entering my peripheral. He's doing well, though most of his knives are hitting below center. The only thing that pulls me out of my trance is Eric yelling, “Everyone stop!”

Of all the times for Al to grow a spine, it had to be when Eric's already pissed. What a moron.

Just as Four's about to throw the knife, Tris demands for them to stop. Shuî steps forward next to me, but I place the back of my hand on his chest, pushing him back slightly. He doesn't need to get his pretty face ruined too.

Apparently, Tris can just turn off her flinch reflex. Flinching isn't out of fear, it's our body's way of getting out of danger. Her ability to turn that reflex off is frankly unnerving. The ice in her eyes as she stare Four down, barely even blinking as his knife nicks her ear, it scares me.

Am I a coward because I can't shut down my body's reaction to danger? No, of course not. She's just a freak. I bet Eric couldn't even stand completely still. What a fucking loser, anyways. Can't even take what he dishes out.

“I would love to stay and see if the rest of you are as daring as she is,” says Eric, his voice smooth, satisfied, “but I think that’s enough for today.”

What a cunt. "And I'd like to see if you're as brave as her." The words spill out of my mouth before I can even think, but I stand by them.

Eric turns to me. "And who'd throw the knives, huh? You? Your aim isn't shit."

"What, are you afraid of being stabbed by an airborne knife?" I've heard that phrase before. Did Eric say it earlier?

"Ash!" Shuî steps in front of me, his hands grabbing at my shirt, and suddenly he's all I can see. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" He asks, and all I can think about is how beautiful his lips are as they form the word 'fuck'. He should say it more. I bet his lips would taste good when he says it.

"If I had the time, I'd put you right where Tris was, but fortunately for you, the world doesn't revolve around you." Eric turns and leaves.

"Alright, everyone take a water break." Four says after a moment, giving a lok to Tris that I can't quite decipher.

"Ash, what happened to your whole 'stay out of danger' thing?" Shuî asks, finally letting my shirt go.

I shrug. "Eric's a coward, and I'm sick of having to pretend he's not."

Shuî leans in close to my ear. "Do you really want his picking up that you're… different." He doesn't let me respond, instead walking away, back to Crimson, like he always does.

Fuck, he's right. Why did I- it doesn't matter, what's done is done.

0-0-0-0-0

I'm not hungry when it comes time for lunch, but I force myself to eat anyway. Just because my mind's not hungry doesn't mean my body isn't.

"Hey, Ash, everything all good?" Fuck. I sat away from everyone else, considering Crimson's probably already told his side if the story, spinning the wool over their eyes and painting me as the bad guy, but here Fin is, slamming his palm onto the table next to me.

"Just fine."

He leans in close, those ocean eyes staring deep into mine. "Liar."

"Says the guy who lied about his father being alive." Thankfully, I have the sense to keep my voice quiet.

He blinks. "I have no idea what you're talking about." He's lying, his voice is too even.

"Come on, did you think those rumors wouldn't get back to us eventually?" I raise an eyebrow.

"Don't you think those are the kind of rumors a twelve year old would spread in order to make himself sound cooler?" He stands up, his height intimidating even to me. Now I can't tell if he's lying. Was Aster lying too, just feeding into the mythos? "Oh, and we all know you're on something. You know drugs aren't a long term solution, right?"

I set my jaw. "It's just to get through Initiation. That's all."

"You're playing a dangerous game, Ash." Fin warns, lifting his fingers off the table. "Be careful."

"Easy for you to say. I bet this is all just a game to you."

"Dude, there's no reason to antagonize literally everyone around you." Fin rolls his eyes. "I heard you attacked Crimson last night. What's up with that, huh? He's done nothing but worry for you his whole life, and that's how you repay him?"

I have plenty of reason to antagonize others. They're all targets, and I'm a target too. I can't trust anyone I know anymore. "I'm sure that's what he'd like you to think, huh?" I stand up, my nose almost touching his.

"If we're being honest, if it weren't for him begging me not to, I'd've kicked your ass halfway across the Canteen." He snarls, baring his fangs like a guard dog protecting its owner.

"Who says you have to do what he wants, huh? You're not just his guard dog, are you?"

"Don't fucking tempt me."

And for some reason, there's nothing that would make me happier than Fin snapping. "Do it, you coward."

His knuckles collide with my cheek, sending me stumbling back, pain searing into my skin. Before I can even react, his boot smashes into my chest, and I fall to the hard linoleum tile.

"Don't pick fights you can't win, dumbass." He places his boot on my chest and pushes down slightly, not enough to hurt.

"What makes you think you just won?" I reach up and grab at the bottom of his shirt. I can't quite pull him down, but it unbalances him enough to let me knock his leg off of me. I slide beneath him and elbow the back of his other knee, causing him to fall forward.

People have already cleared the way for us, surrounding us, watching us. I stand up and kick him in the side as he tries to get up. He tries to sweep my legs out from under me with one of his, but I manage to keep my balance and kick him in his stomach.

"Ash! Fin! Stop it!" Crimson's voice is shrill and panicked, and I don't know where it's coming from. I feel a tug on my arm. "What's wrong with you?!" Tears well up in his eyes. Crocodile tears. What a fucking phony. Does he really think I'll fall for them?

"He attacked me first." I jerk my arm away, looking down at Fin. "And besides, he can take a beating. Have been since childhood, haven't you?" That was probably too far.

Fin lunges at my stomach, taking me down with him. Crimson screams, and Shuî yells to stop (Where did he even come from? Why won't he leave brain?), but Fin doesn't listen. He plants his knees on either side of my waist and starts pummeling my face.

He only gets a couple punches before Shuî shoves Fin back with a body check, his shoulder driving into Fin's sternum. "Stop it, both of you!" They both fall to the ground, Fin wheezing.

I take a deep breath. Fuck.

"I don't know what the hell's gotten into you Ash, but you've got to get yourself together!" He pushes himself off of Fin's chest and faces me. "Do you even want to rank high at this point?! How the hell are you supposed to fight today with a broken face?!"

Right, we're fighting later today since we did our knife throwing this morning. Fuck. When did he become the rational one?

"And Fin, what the hell?! Crimson asked you not to be violent, but of course you had to!"

"He was asking for it!" Fin grunts.

"I don't care if he literally begged, you don't-" Shuî looks around, noticing the people dispersing around us. "We better get back to class." He stands up, dusting off his legs. "Come on, Crimson, let's go." He wraps his arms around Crimson's shoulder, protective even though he wasn't in danger.

Crimson smirks down at me, knowing the effect he has on people, and I can't wait to smack that grin off his face.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: Ash is gay and bad at feelings and is my favorite judas ass bitch I love him so much. Or I hate him. I can't decide. Y'all love him, hate him, hate to love him or love to hate him?

Also this is my obligatory "don't do drugs, especially ones strangers give you." Don't. It's dumb. Especially don't abuse Adderall. I don't know if the effects would be quite what I'm showing here, but Ash is also massively sleep deprived and is beginning to hallucinate.

Chapter 16

Chapter 16

Shuî stares at Ash from across the Canteen, an odd mix of longing, concern, and frustration gracing his features. He's so handsome when he's thinking. I glance over at Ash, and he's facing away from us. Something's wrong with him, and it's worse than just sleep deprivation.

Something slams down on the table, causing my food to jump a little. "Yo, you're Tris, that chick who let Four throw knives at you, right?" It's Fin, with a huge grin on his face, his palm on the table centimeters away from Tris's arm.

"How did you know?" Tris asks, clearly startled by the sudden intrusion.

"Word gets around." He shrugs. Yeah, how did he find out? It only happened a couple hours ago, and no one in our group is particularly gossipy. "Anyway, that's some Dauntless shit right there. If it were up to me you'd already be a member."

"I was just doing the right thing." Tris says.

"Yeah, and you knew there would be consequences, but you did it anyway. That's brave as shit." Fin claps her shoulder, then turns to Al. He squats down, sitting on his haunches, putting him at just below eye level with Al. "Hey, real talk here, big guy, there's no fucking shame in not wanting to get stabbed by a flying knife. Most reasonable people would be afraid, hell, even I-" he pauses for a moment. "Actually, the idea kinda turns me on, but I'm not a reasonable person." He waves his hand, shooing the thought away. I let out a snort of laughter, and so does Christina. "Regardless, standing up to Eric like that takes some serious balls, and let me tell you, you must have the biggest balls in Dauntless."

"Tris is really the one who stood up to him, though." Al rubs the back of his neck.

"Bravery ain't a zero sum game, my guy. Just cause she was brave doesn't me you weren't too." Fin claps Al's shoulder as well, then stands up, spinning on his heel to face Christina. "And you're the one who got dangled off the Chasm, right? Honestly, that's the kind of dares we did as kids that made our mom's beat our asses because we could have died, but like, even our dares were only like thirty seconds. Five minutes is fucking insane, and the fact that you did so well is even more insane. And damn, it must take a massive amount of mental fortitude to not stab him in the neck every chance you get, so props for that."

It's odd how Fin speaks so informally, yet somehow uses more complex words like 'fortitude'. Not that that's even a partially rare word, but just little glimpses into his lexicon is fascinating.

He tries to clap her shoulder too, but even with his insane height, his arms don't quite reach, so his fingers awkwardly graze her forehead. He shrugs off the awkwardness and points at Will. "And you! I haven't heard of Eric personally traumatizing you, but Crimson said you caught a pigeon one time, so that's pretty cool too." He gives a thumbs up, his grin exaggerated, sharp incisors glinting in the light.

"And who are you?" Will raises an eyebrow.

"Infinity Perkins, your welcoming committee to Dauntless!"

The air is silent for a moment. I've heard this joke before, Shuî's not paying attention, and the others are a little more acclimated to Dauntless antics than I was two weeks ago.

"Where's Ash to say 'dude, you're two weeks late, and you're not much of a committee'? I know I was complaining about him last night, but he has great comedic timing." He sits down in the seat next to me and grabs three burgers.

"You didn't hear?" Will asks. That's right, he wasn't with us at breakfast.

"I mean, I heard he threatened Eric, but did Eric murder him or something?"

Christina clears her throat awkwardly.

"He okay?"

"He, uh…" I rub the back of my neck. I don't want to sound dramatic or anything, but… "Kinda attacked me last night."

Fin's eyes go colder than the Arctic. "He what?" Fuck, this is what I was afraid would happen. Fin's the kind of guy who'd leap into any battle to defend a friend (or whatever we are. I still need to figure all this relationship shit out at some point, but right now there's more pressing matters) to defend their honor.

"It's not-" It is like that though. He attacked me without any provocation. Did I provoke him? Was doing better at Capture the Flag my fault? He is better than me in almost every way. He deserves to be here more than me. It's not his fault that I'm taking up space that he deserves. It's not-

"Crimson." Fin snaps in my face. "Did he hurt you?"

"No, he-" The cuts on my shoulders are technically his fault, since he shoved me against the wall. But no, no, I don't want Fin going after him.

Shuî's staying silent. I don't blame him. This isn't his fight. This isn't even a fight. Why am I saying it's a fight?

Why don't I want to be honest with Fin when I was able to tell the others? Is it because he's too violent? Should I stay away?

"I'm going to kick that smug son of a bitch's ass." Fin gets up, his fists curled, body buzzing with electricity.

"Wait, stop!" I grab his wrists. "It's not- he's not-" My brain stumbles. "He's different than normal. I- I think he's on drugs or something."

"He's definitely never been like this." Will agrees. Good. Glad he can back me up. "He's competitive, sure, but-" He shakes his head. "I've never seen this much hate in his eyes."

Hate. That's a strong word, that can't be- Sure, he's annoyed with me. Angry with me, even. But hate implies a permanence to it. This is temporary, right? He doesn't really think that I've been trying to steal everything from him our whole lives, does he?

He does, doesn't he?

No, he can't. He knows me. I'm his brother, meek and kind and non-competitive.

Then why did I steal away the guy he liked?

I didn't steal him though. Of course not. Shuî's free to be with whoever he wants. It's not my fault Ash is being an asshole and pushing Shuî away. Though, given Shuî's thoughtful stares, it may not be repelling him very much. That's fine. Ash still has a lot of admirable qualities, I completely understand why he could still like him. It's not his fight to get involved in.

This isn't a fight. It's a bump in the road, a quarrel, a tiff. Fight is too strong a word; it implies broken bones, not just broken skin; hate, not just anger.

We're going to be fine. We have to be.

Then why is he so far away?

"Look, I'm going to go talk to him. I won't-" I can see the gears turning in Fin's mind, trying not to scare me. How considerate. "Hurt him. I just want to see how fucked up he is for myself."

I squeeze his wrist tighter. "Promise you won't hurt him?"

"I promise." He kisses my forehead, and I almost believe him. God, that's fucked up. Why am I even- right, right, more pressing matters. Though, no, that's also important. Do I want to be with someone who hurts people? Is that even a choice here in Dauntless? Did I fuck up real bad by choosing to come here?

And for what it's worth, it takes a couple minutes for things to escalate, and it does seem like Ash is the initial aggressor, but… he can't even keep his fists to himself.

Still, I don't try to interfere with Fin. I don't want to get caught in his crossfire. My brother's still the less violent of the two, right?

And then he dismisses me like a fly, jerking away from me, ignoring my tears, goading Fin into attacking him again. I'm barely able to step out of Fin's path. Would he have stopped if I was in the way? Should I have tried to prevent him from attacking, or does my brother deserve it?

Shuî's interference is the only thing that stops them. I'm terrified Fin's going to shove him back (or worse), but thankfully they all stop. Makes sense, we all like him.

Fuck. This can't be happening, everything can't be falling apart.

Not everything's falling apart. Shuî wraps his arm around my shoulder, rubbing slow circles into the skin below my sleeve. He doesn't try and kiss me, thankfully. Now's not the time.

It's all going to be fine. This will all blow over, and we'll go back to normal in no time.

0-0-0-0-0

Shuî tenses up the moment we enter the training room. I look around. Eric isn't here, thankfully, and everyone else seems normal (barring Ash, of course, since he's not here yet and obviously not normal).

Then I look up at the board, and my stomach drops

The first fight is Ash versus Crimson. I'm fighting Ash today.

I've never believed in fate, but now I know there has to be something out there, and it's out to get me. What gods did I piss off? What horrible things have I done in previous lives to deserve this.

Part of me considers just walking away, giving him the win by default, but I know that's just delaying the inevitable. He'd just hate (dislike, get even angrier, whatever, but it can't be hate, right?) me even more, given how annoyed he was with Shuî's loss on the very first day.

I should have seen this coming.

Ash arrives, and I can feel his icy stare on the back of my neck. I tense up even more. I'll probably snap like a rubber band if I get any tenser.

Four wastes no time calling us up to the ring. Ash is only a few feet away from me, tall and intimidating as ever. I've never been scared of him, but now, all I can feel is fear. No, he's my brother, I still love him. The fear is temporary. His anger is temporary.

An awful thought crawls up my brain as I look at the red marks on his face: I could win this. Maybe not easily, but he's already weakened. Now's my chance to get some points.

No, no, I can't do that. I can't hurt him, I have to prove I haven't been manipulating everyone this whole time.

I take a deep breath. Ash's mind is fixated on this, isn't it? Once he's decided something, he won't stop until faced with overwhelming evidence, and for something like this, there's nothing I can do to convince him. Everything will always circle back to me being a liar, even if I'm completely honest for the rest of my life.

If he's going to think I'm a heartless bitch, I'm going to be that heartless bitch.

He rushes at me, and I narrowly dodge. He turns on his heel to swing at me, but I catch his chest, and we'll, I'm not proud of it, but I knee him in the crotch. It's a cheap shot, I know, especially after he got hit yesterday, but it's the only thing I can think of.

"I'm so sorry." I mutter as I sweep his legs out from under him. I can't be that heartless.

He grabs my wrist and drags me with him. My head slams into the mat. I take a deep breath and try and scramble up, but he stands first. I try and headbutt under his ribs, but he shoves me away with barely any effort. Once I'm on the ground, he quickly kicks my stomach, forcing all the air out of me.

"Ash is the winner!" Four declares, and I certainly don't object. Could I use more points? Sure. Do I want them now, against my brother who's definitely on drugs? Hell no. He's way too strong, I don't know what I was thinking.

"Nah, the little faker's not done yet. Come on, Crimson, get up!" Ash taunts.

"Bruh, I'm-" Before I can even tell him I'm done, he sharply kicks my stomach again.

"Come on, you know you want to. Prove to everyone you're not a weak little coward!" Another kick. I cough out blood. People around us yell, but I can barely hear them over my own heartbeat. "Come on, show yourself!" Another kick, then another. "Prove you're just lowering our expectations so you can beat us later!" He doesn't stop, he doesn't stop. I curl up to protect myself, tears flowing down my cheeks, more blood flying out with every cough.

"Ash, what's wrong with you!" My vision is blurry, but I can see Will trying to subdue Ash. Ash brings his elbow up into Will's face, and all I can see is red.

"Someone, get Crimson to the infirmary!" Four shouts. He has something in his hands that he stabs into Ash's neck. A knife? No, no, that's not- They wouldn't, right?

There's no blood, but he collapses to the ground right as someone picks me up. The world fades to back around me.

0-0-0-0-0

I wake up to the hum of fluorescent bulbs and someone squeezing my hand. I try and take a deep breath, but it feels like something's piercing my lungs. My eyes snap open. I'm in the infirmary.

"Fuck, Crimson, you're awake!" Fin's voice is so fucking loud, but I can't help but smile a bit. "Shit dude, I'm so fucking sorry. This is all my fault."

"No, it's not." God, talking hurts. I wrap my fingers around his thumb. But is it?

"Yes, it is. I got him all riled up, then you had to fight him while he was still angry and oozing adrenaline. I should've just-" he shakes his head. "No, you wouldn't like that answer, would you?" He presses the heel of his other hand against his eye. Wait, fuck, is he crying? "I shouldn't have even gone over there. I just wanted to judge him for myself, even though I know you wouldn't lie about something like that."

I hum a little in thought. "It was pretty scary seeing you like that."

"I'm sorry I scared you." His voice is low and somber now. "I've, uh, always had a temper. Here in Dauntless, most people don't see that as a bad thing unless you turn it on them, but, well, to an outsider, that doesn't look good, does it?" He shakes his head. "I heard you screaming, but I was so focused on avenging you I forgot to listen to you."

"Would you have hurt me if I tried to stop you?" I ask after a moment.

He hesitates. "I want to say I wouldn't, but… I can't promise that right now. I'm so sorry."

Fuck. Tears well up in my eyes.

"Here's the thing, Crimson. I know we barely know each other and all, but I really do care about you. It's just… I've been a bad person before, and I want to be better, but if you don't want me around anymore, I understand, you know?" He looks into my eyes. "I'm sorry, Crimson."

"Fin…" I don't know how I want to respond, though. Can I trust him to do better? Should I let him walk away and stop entertaining the idea of his lips on mine? That was only last night. It would be easy enough to melt out of each other's lives, pretend we never knew each other. But is that what I want.

He starts to stand up, but I reflexively hold his hand tighter. "Fin, wait, I just-" it takes a moment for my brain to catch up with my mouth. "Promise me you won't hurt anyone else on my behalf! I can't have that weight on my shoulders."

"Of course." He kneels down next to me, taking my hand between both of his. "I didn't realize it would be such a big deal, since that's just how we do things in Dauntless, but, uh, I thought about it from your perspective, and I understand why that would be bad in your eyes. Promise me you'll tell me if I do anything to upset you, okay? Cause I'm real bad at thinkin' sometimes, and I forget just how different Dauntless is from other factions, so sometimes I need reminding on how to be things other than a brave-hearted idiot, you know?"

Sometimes I realize that Fin's practically just an oversized puppy. Aggressive and untamed at times, but eager to please and loyal to the core.

I know it's not my responsibility to train him, to teach him, to make him better, and that's not what I'm going to do. Is it healthy to be in a relationship with someone potentially dangerous, even if they are working on themselves? Probably not. If this was under normal circumstances, I'd probably back away. But fuck it, as much as I pretend it's not going to happen, there's a very good chance I'm going to be factionless in two weeks, so I may as well enjoy myself. And if I do make it through the next couple weeks, we'll figure it out.

"Yeah, I promise." I try to lean forward to kiss his hands, but bending at the waist hurts. I inhale sharply.

Suddenly, it sounds like an entire crowd's walked in. Shuî lightly opens the curtain. "I, uh, went to get you some dinner and everyone wanted to check on you. Are you okay with talking to people right now?"

"Yeah, I'm-" Before I can even finish my sentence, Christina runs in and hugs me. Will follows shortly after, squeezing my shoulder. "Hey guys." I don't tell Christina that she's hugging me way too hard. Tris and Al follow after a second, and even Edward and Myra come in. Shuî ends up standing awkwardly in the corner, holding a tray of food.

"Holy shit, we thought he'd killed you!" Christina yells as she pulls away from the hug. "There was blood everywhere, and Four had to fucking tranquilize him to get him to stop."

"He broke my nose in the process." Will comments, holding gauze up to his face.

"It was brutal. Even I had a hard time watching." Edward stays towards the back of the crowd, his arms crossed.

"I don't think any of us saw this coming." Myra comments. Edward notably looks away. Did he see it coming? "Are you okay?"

"I think the painkillers wore off while I was asleep." I groan. "I don't know how I'm going to fight tomorrow."

"Four said that as long as Eric doesn't drop in, you don't have to fight tomorrow," Al says. "He still wants you to try and train, but you took the worst beating of the year, apparently."

The fact that my brother's capable of that scares me. Did he mean worst of the group, or worst of any initiates? I don't want to know the answer to that.

"What happened to Ash anyway?" Despite how terrified I am, I can't help but worry. He's still my brother.

"They took him to some isolated room in the infirmary and let him sleep off the sedatives." Shuî says. "I haven't seen him since. Oh, and I brought you dinner, but now that I think about it, sandwiches may not be the best food for someone on bedrest." He shuffles past Tris and Al to hand me the tray.

"Thanks, I'm starving." I'm not really that hungry, but given that it's apparently dinner time, I should at least try to get something in my stomach. I lean forward, trying to ignore the pain from my ribs.

And then it hits me: everyone here pities me. I can see it in their eyes, their concerned frowns, their soft voices. Is this what Ash is jealous of? Pity? He doesn't get pitied because he's strong, he's capable, he's Ash. He's always been talented at anything he set his mind to. Why would he want to be seen as weak?

Does Ash see himself as weak? Is that why he's taking substances to enhance his performance? He was already doing great.

Even if I could tell him how strong he is, would he believe me? He already thinks I'm manipulating him. No matter what I do, he's going to take it the wrong way. Would he believe anyone's praise? Our parents'? Will's? Sebby's? Fin's or any of our new friends'?

Shuî's?

Man, I'm fucked up. Even after he beat the hell out of me, I'm still more worried about him than about myself. I ask myself why, why it's more important that he's healthy, that he does well, and then it hits me.

He has a chance at making it here, and I don't.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: hey don't be like Crimson, have some goddamn self respect y'all. Also, I didn't get a chance to say anything last chapter since I'd already uploaded before reading the comments, but across all platforms, it seems like y'all like the twist. I did it in the previous draft too, but I don't think I did it well, or at least as well as I could have. Thank you so much, especially to the person who just commented "man" in response.

Also, fun fact, most of that Ash chapter wasn't planned. Once I got past the argument with Crimson, I completely pantsed it. Aster McMahon and Alexa Bine had no defined personalities before I wrote that chapter, I mostly just liked the name Aster. Don't worry, I've got plans for them now. The drug thing? Totally unplanned. I was sitting there brainstorming, then all of a sudden yelled out "oh my God, Ash does meth!" And my boyfriend had no idea what I was talking about. Ash threatening Eric? Came up with it because I wanted Ash to *almost* directly say he wants to kiss Shuî. His fight with Fin? Not planned at all. I was originally going to leave it at "I have plenty of reason to antagonize others. They're all targets, and I'm a target too. I can't trust anyone I know anymore." But then I decided 'nah he's gonna punch a bitch', wrote a little more dialogue leading up to it, then added the fight scene.

This chapter's fight was planned for a while, though Ash going fucking apeshit wasn't the original idea. It needed to happen, though, and I hope the fight scene was well written. I duck at fight scenes. Why am I writing for such a fight heavy fandom?

Anyway, thank you to all of you who've read this far. I know a lot of people have dropped this due to my inconsistency, lack of interest in the fandom, and just general disinterest. That's fine, I completely understand. But I really do appreciate all of you who've stuck around.

Next chapter will be a Shuî chapter, and damn I really am going to have three chapters that take place somewhat simultaneously, aren't I? I need to make a chart with the timelines of each chapter for my own sake. And for those of you wondering when Fin's getting a chapter? I know for sure during Stage Three, since I'm doing everyone's landscape. Other than that, I'm not entirely sure. I have a few scenes planned, I just don't know exactly when they'll happen. My original draft had one just before Visiting Day, but it was kinda filler, so we'll see closer to then.

Anyways, thanks again for all the likes, kudos, reviews, and general support I've gotten. I have the story loosely planned out all the way past the third book, so I hope some of you stick around for that. I love you all so much, and I can't thank you enough.

Chapter 17

Chapter 17

Shuî's POV

I really thought Ash was going to kiss me last night. But instead, he muttered my worst nightmare: Someone knows what I am. I never realized how hard my heart would pound as he whispered those words, his lips inches from my own.

It took me a moment to realize what word he put the emphasis on. He wasn't hunting me down, threatening to expose my darkest secrets; he was asking for a friend, an ally, someone to prove he wasn't the only one.

I should have paid more attention to that one little "too". If I'd stayed by his side instead of melting back into who I am with Crimson and Fin, if I hadn't left him alone, maybe none of this would've happened.

I stare at him through the glass window into the isolated room. He's so calm, deep into his sedative-induced slumber. If his face wasn't swollen, his knuckles not bruised, I could believe he's innocent.

"I take it you're one of his friends?" The short nurse, Aster asks.

After what he did to Crimson, can I even call him my friend? Should I? "Yeah." The word tumbles out before I can dwell on it. "Do the sedatives usually last this long?"

"They actually wore off shortly after Four brought him here. He's woken up a couple times, but he's slept pretty consistently throughout the day."

"That's probably more sleep than he's gotten in a while." Almost every night, I hear him slip out of the room to go wander, to smoke, whatever he does instead of sleeping. "Hey, umm, can I tell you something? It's about Ash."

"Of course." Aster nods.

"We, uhh, think he's on drugs. He's been acting… different lately." I press my palm against the glass. "Is that even allowed?"

"Well, drugs themselves aren't disallowed, since some initiates need them for existing conditions. However, it's not uncommon for initiates or members with prescriptions to sell them to others. If we find anything in his system, we'll conduct an investigation to figure out who supplied him."

"Will he get in trouble?"

"Ash? No, it's unlikely that they'd kick him out for something like that. Dauntless is suffering from a population crisis, and he's a promising candidate. The punishment for whoever's supplying him depends on the motive. If it's just money, it'll likely result in them working in the factionless sector for a while, assuming they don't already work there. Something like fixing the rankings for gambling purposes, however…That would be worse." Aster shrugs. "Regardless, it's unlikely it would blow back Ash, unless he does anything else illegal."

"Is fighting in the cafeteria illegal?" I ask.

Aster laughs softly. "No, that happens at least twice a week." He looks over at me. "Ash will be fine. I promise. I'll leave you to it."

I nod as he walks away. I'm glad Ash is getting some sleep, but it's odd seeing him look so peaceful. Once the initial thrill of joining Dauntless wore off, I don't think he's been at peace. He's always been restless, even when he was able to mask it with a calm face, a cigarette between his lips. I haven't watched him smoke, and the idea is oddly appealing. Maybe it's just because I like looking at his lips.

I shouldn't be attracted to him after what he did. He should repulse me, but he doesn't. Despite everything, he still fascinates me. He's still the moon, brilliant and icy and distant.

How would Crimson feel about me still admiring him? Does he know? He has to know, and he still looks at me with that warmth in his eyes. He's okay with it.

Am I okay with it? Do I really need multiple people in my life? Shouldn't Crimson be enough? Yet here I am, worrying over Ash. And then Fin's in the mix too, and I'm still trying to figure out how to feel about him.

I sigh and look at Ash one last time before leaving.

0-0-0-0-0

Eric is there to watch us fight, which means Crimson can't sit this one out. I scan the list to see who he's fighting, and my name is right next to his.

Does Eric know? Is this a cruel joke?

Ash never shows up, which means Tris is off the hook for today. I wish I could say something, and I probably should, but it's already our turn to fight.

"Hey, it's okay. Just get one good hit to my face and I'll go down." Crimson whispers, rubbing my arm. "Easy points for you."

But who cares about points when it's Crimson across from me in the ring?

I should stop this right now, call off the fight and take whatever punishment Eric gives me. My lips almost form the words before an awful thought stops me. What if he punishes Crimson instead? I certainly wouldn't put it past him. I didn't see Christina dangled over the Chasm, but I hear her quiet sobs at night. I'm certain I could survive if I had to, but there's no way Crimson could, especially in the state he's in.

“C’mon, hit me!” Crimson raises his fists.

I can’t do it. I can’t hurt him, I-

Crimson’s fist collides with my stomach. “Come on, you cowardT For once in your life, put your own needs above someone else’s!”

Now’s really not the time to be worried about that. I don’t need to win this one. I’m doing fine, I can-

His knuckles hit my jaw. “Come on, man, just put me out of my misery!” Tears are streaming down his face, and he’s barely holding back whimpers every time he moves. Is hurting him once to prevent future pain justifiable. “Please, Shuî. Please.” His voice is so weak, and I know I have to act.

I palm strike him in the face, and he hits the ground with no protest.

0-0-0-0-0

I can't bring myself to eat lunch with the group. I know they'd all reassure me that I did what I had to, that everything's going to be okay, but it's not. I already feel awful fighting anyone at full strength, and seeing an already broken Crimson begging me to hurt him shook me to my core.

Instead, I take my lunch up to the dorm. It's empty, which is both relieving and oddly disappointing. As much as I dread seeing Ash, I'd appreciate knowing where he is. I miss having him in my orbit, always feeling his presence.

It's quiet, so quiet it almost reminds me of home. Despite all the suffering I endured, I still miss the simplicity. I knew the rules, the customs, my own place in at all. Leaving that behind meant I lost what little sense of self I had.

"Ah, there you are!" The door swings open, and Fin ducks under the doorframe. "Fun fact, Crimson forgot to tell me what dorm you guys are in, so I totally just walked in on a threesome in the one next door."

"What are you doing here?" Of course he'd come to check on me.

"Your friends said you were doing rough after your fight with Crimson, and given the circumstances, I assume they didn't mean physically."

I shrug and set down my sandwich. I don't really know what to say.

He sits down on the bed next to me, his weight sinking the mattress down and almost making me fall into him. Once I've stabilized myself, he places a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. "Hey, bud, don't fall into that trap of not sharing your feelings because you want to seem brave or whatever. Trust me, talking about what's on your mind is one of the bravest things you can do."

"I just don't want to be a burden." I set my plate next to me. I've had enough food, I'll be fine.

Fin's expression softens a bit as he pulls his legs up onto the bed, criss-crossing them as he turns to face me. "Bruh, I literally came to you. You're not- you'll never be a burden to me." He breaks eye contact briefly as he rubs the back of his neck. "So yeah, tell me what's up."

Why does he even care so much? "It's probably going to sound stupid to someone like you."

 

"Dude, I literally just walked in on a bunch of lesbians fucking, nothing you say's gonna be weird to me."

I take a deep breath. "I should have surrendered when I was fighting Crimson. I shouldn't have hurt him like I did. It feels cowardly to pick on someone who's already hurt."

"Well, I wouldn't necessarily call it 'picking on', given that you had to, but…" He rests his cheek on his palm. "It's good that you feel bad though. A lot of people wouldn't even give it a second thought, like-" I know he's about to say Ash, but he thinks better about it. "The fact that you're being dragged through hell and still have a moral compass is honestly impressive."

"It shouldn't be impressive, though. I failed to stand up for Crimson."

"And how much do you want to bet that Eric would retaliate on Crimson instead of you?" Fin raises an eyebrow. At least he has the same read on Eric that I did. "And sure, you could've knocked him out immediately instead of drawing it out a couple punches, but I don't blame you for being hesitant, you know? That's what all this training is for: to teach you how to react in the face of danger."

I sigh. "I still feel awful."

"Yeah, this shit fucking sucks, I don't blame you one bit." His smile is soft, no teeth, just slightly smeared black lipstick. "But sometimes you do have to protect yourself. You can't help other people if they throw you off the Chasm, you know?"

"I guess."

"Can I tell you something too?" He tilts his head a little more, looking down briefly to the bed before looking back into my eyes. "I don't think any of my friends would give a second thought to fighting me while I'm injured. Sure, maybe it's because they know I could still kick their asses even when I'm not in peak condition-" He chuckled to himself a bit, flashing those sharp teeth for just a moment. "But if it was someone like Crimson? I don't know if any of them would hesitate. The fact that you're regretting it is really fuckin' admirable, man."

I can't help but smile just a bit. "Again, it really shouldn't be that impressive. I'm nothing special."

"Dude, never say that. You're amazing."

And then Fin kisses me, and I couldn't have expected anything less. He's a lot more restrained than I would've assumed, but the surprise makes me unable to lean into it.

He breaks the kiss after a moment, his eyes wide and his cheek beginning to flush. "Holy shit, did I misread the situation?"

It takes a few seconds for words to climb up my throat. "Uh, maybe just a little, yeah?"

"Fuck, man, I'm sorry." He stands up and pushes his curly hair out of his eyes. "Do you just not like me like that at all, or?"

I can't even make eye contact as my cheeks heat up. "I'm still trying to figure all this out. It may be better to, uh, maybe talk about it when I'm not having a moral crisis?" I don't want to close that door completely, because I do admire him, I really do, but I don't know if that's how I feel about him.

"Yeah, yeah, that's absolutely fair, take all the time you need." He takes a minute to compose himself. "I'll let you bring it up whenever you're ready, yeah?"

"Sounds good." I nod.

"Seriously, though, don't forget that a moral compass is one of your most powerful abilities." He opens the door and looks back at me one last time. "You're a good person, Shuî. Don't doubt yourself so much, you know?"

"Thanks, Fin."

He flashes that grin before leaving me alone. How am I supposed to stop doubting myself when the doubt is what let's me improve?

0-0-0-0-0

It's a couple days later, and Crimson won't let me feel guilty about hurting him. After all, it's not my fault he was injured. Why won't he just let me feel bad so I can move on? He keeps bringing it up, and I just feel awful for wanting him to shut up. I can't smile back at him when his lips are bruised because of me.

I was too tired to shower last night, so I have to shower in the morning. I don't like showering with other people, but I have to. Luckily, it's just Edward and Al, so I don't have to worry about any awkwardness.

And of course I forgot my clothes in the bedroom. I'm already out of rhythm with Ash being flung out of orbit and my guilt towards Crimson, it makes sense that my routine would be disrupted.

When I slip into the bedroom, towel wrapped around my waist, the first thing I hear is Tris's steady voice saying "Get away from me."

Peter and his gang have Tris cornered by her bed. “This isn’t the Hub, you know. No one has to follow a Stiff’s orders here.” The way he looks at her makes my skin crawl, and my voice wells up in my throat before I can think.

"Hey, leave her alone!"

Tris gives me a thankful look, then glances at the door, eyeing her escape route.

Peter looks up at me with a smirk. "Didn't you hear what I just said? Shut up, Stiff."

“Look at her,” says Molly, crossing her arms and matching his smirk. “She’s practically a child."

“Oh, I don’t know,” says Drew. “She could be hiding something under that towel. Why don’t we look and see?”

"Hey!" I step between Tris and the others. "I'm not a Stiff, and I told you to leave her alone!" I really just intervened without a plan, didn't I? My mind flits through possibilities before I ask myself: 'What would Fin do?'

No, that wouldn't work, would it? Would it? It might, but I don't know if-

It would work, I just don't know if I have the confidence to do it. I'm not like Fin. I'm not a raging wildfire, passionate and self assured and beautiful. I am the Earth, the waves on the shore, but I can still make an impact.

I tilt my chin up, set my jaw, and straighten my posture. "You really want to see a naked stiff?" Well, no going back now. "Fine, here you go!"

And then I throw off my towel, extending my arm so Peter can't grab at Tris as she runs away.

This was a mistake. I should not have done this.

"Wow, you're even skinnier than she is." Peter smirks. Molly's too busy laughing to say anything snarky, and Drew's averting his eyes. Peter looks me up and down, eyes catching on every flaw. "It's like I can count every bone in your body. And really, if you're going to expose yourself to someone, you should probably have more than… that."

This was a mistake, but I can't back down now. What would Fin say?

"What, you got something better?" Is the reason Fin can act so fiery because of the heat constantly rising to his cheeks? How can he be this was without constant embarrassment?

Peter chuckles. "Nah, I think you've done a good enough job at humiliating yourself. Come on, guys, we should probably get something to eat." They walk past me, and as Peter passes me, he slaps my ass. "Least you've got something decent on your body."

"Fuck off, Peter." I have to keep my voice steady, my posture straight. I can't let them see me embarrassed. They can't know they got to me. I turn to watch them leave, and I realize Ash is leaning against the doorway, staring at me with those eyes made of ice.

"That was, uh, brave of you." Ash coughs a bit once Peter's group leaves. His eyes don't move from my face, and I realize this is the first time he's looked at me since Capture the Flag.

"Something like that." I exhale.

"You, uh, should probably put on some clothes." He looks to the side, the faintest splash of red appearing on his cheeks.

"Right, right." I grab my clothes from their spot under Crimson’s bed and hastily put on my underwear. I glance back at Ash, his his stare is focused at a spot on the wall away from me.

“So, uh, are you still beating yourself up over Crimson?” He asks as I put my pants on. “I, uh, heard what happened.”

I stay silent for a moment, trying to find the right words. “I always feel bad hurting someone who’s weaker than me.”

He raises an eyebrow. “Is that what you really think of him?” He looks right into my eyes, freezing me from the inside out. “Don’t underestimate him. He can handle much more than anyone else gives him credit for.”

It takes me a moment to clamor for a response. “You still didn’t need to kick him when he was begging you to stop.”

He looks to the ground, a strange emotion flashing on his face. Shame? “I know.” His voice is soft, and I half wonder if I imagined it. He coughs. “I should go. Sorry to bother you.”

“Wait-” I say, but I can’t find words to continue that sentence. The part of me that still wants to act like Fin whispers ‘Did you at least like what you saw?’ but I know that would be an awful idea. Now’s not the time to flirt. With him, will there ever be a time to flirt? Or has that ship sailed?

He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but then shakes his head and walks out.

The moment I’m alone, it’s like I can finally breathe again. From the heat of embarrassment and the ice from Ash’s eyes, I’m left exhausted and disoriented. I collapse down onto Crimson’s bed and bury my face in my hands. What the hell did I just do? Even two weeks ago, I couldn’t imagine doing anything like that. Sure, I could imagine standing up for someone, and I could even imagine myself getting into a fight if I had to, but getting naked at my problems wasn’t something I ever thought would happen.

What is Dauntless doing to me?

0-0-0-0-0

A/N so high key i’d had this idea ever since my first draft (well, first draft that made it past chapter two. this is technically my fourth rewrite, though the second draft was basically the same as the first draft I uploaded, The Secrets We Keep, but in third person and bad. The very first one had Shuî as the main character and the only other thing I had planned was Crimson throwing himself into the chasm, and I only got like 200 words into it before moving on) but yeah, I still can’t believe I’d actually done it, you know? I came up with the idea as a dumb joke but last time I got drunk i remembered it and thought it was the best idea ever so yeah.

A bit of clarifying on last author’s note. I did know from the beginning that Ash would betray Crimson. I have everyone’s trajectories roughly planned out, though things may change, but yes, I did have plans for Ash. I just didn’t know it would be drugs until my fingers hit the keyboard.

Also, someone asked about Stage Three in a comment, and FF doesn’t let me message guests, so I’ll just type it out here. So, in the movie, they only had two stages, the fighting and the fear landscape stuff. The book actually splits it into three. The first stage is still fighting, the second is when they go through one fear a day unaware that they’re in a simulation (unless you’re Divergent lol), and then the third stage is when they do the Fear Landscape, where they are aware that it’s a simulation. I will be writing all four of my OC’s Fear Landscapes in full and I’ll probably have nightmares during that writing. Hopefully that’s motivation to write them all fast.

Anyway, so yay, I’m starting a new job next week, but that’ll probably mean I have less time for writing while I’m at work, but I'll be working less hours, so I’ll hopefully be able to write more. I also got a new laptop, so now I have a fully working keyboard lol. Don’t expect more, since I have a fundamentally procrastinating person, but hopefully I can pick up the pace. Thanks again for reading, and I always love hearing your thoughts.

God, it’s been over a year since I started this rewrite. I really need to pick up the pace if I want to make it all the way to book three lol.

Chapter 18

Chapter 18

"So, a little bird told me you flashed someone to stop them from assaulting someone else." Fin smirks as he sits down next to Shuî.

"Wait, what?" I let out a snort of laughter at the ridiculousness of it. I knew something had happened this morning, given Tris going hogwild on Molly and Peter's leering at Shuî, but I didn't expect- "Wait, Shuî you flashed Peter?"

He lets out a guttural groan as he buries his face in his hands. "Yeah, don't remind me."

"Honestly, that's exactly the kind of shit I'd do." Fins claps Shuî on the back. "I'm proud of you, bud. Probably scared him off with your massive c-"

"Please stop." Shuî groans.

"What, I was just going to say 'courage'." Fin chuckles.

"No, you weren't." Everyone except for Shuî and Tris says at once.

"Damn, I've sat with y'all like four times and you guys have me all figured out." He smiles to himself. "Real talk, though, you're as Dauntless as they come, Shuî. I'm so fucking proud of you."

"Thanks, that means a lot." His face is beet red when he pulls his hands away. Still, a smile creeps up his face.

"INFINITY ALDRIC PERKINS!" Oh my god, that's the loudest shout I've ever heard. I look around to find the source and notice how pale Fin just got.

"Uh, fuck guys, gotta go!" Fin scrambles out of his seat. "It's, uh, been nice knowing you guys!"

"Wait, is everything okay?" I ask.

"Your middle name's Aldric?" Christina asks, which is honestly a more pressing question.

"Don't you dare run away, Fin!" I turn and finally see the source of the voice. She's much shorter than I imagined, a few inches shorter than me, with wild purple hair framing her tan face. At first, I think she's a child, but the deep wrinkles in her forehead prove me wrong.

"Hey, Mom, you sound kind of angry." He rubs the back of his neck. "What's up?"

Wait, that's his mom?! My eyes flip back and forth between them, and looking at their faces, I can see it, but… How? There's a two foot height difference between them. How on Earth did that happen?

"Have you been taking your medication?" She demands.

"Of course! Lynn told me you told her to break my jaw if I refused!" He runs his hand through his hair. "Is this about Ash or something? Because I promise if he's doing drugs, it's not my fault."

She narrows her eyes. They're not blue like his, instead a dark brown, but they're a similar shape. "You sure about that? Because there's at least seven kids this year getting drugs from somewhere."

Seven? I don't know if I'm reassured that Ash isn't the only one to fall prey to it or if I'm terrified that this is happening to other people.

"Yes, Mom, I promise! Why would I even do that anyway? I'm aiming for the top, I don't need to give anyone an advantage."

"You could be trying to get them kicked out." She raises an eyebrow.

"Ma, do you really think I'm smart enough to think of that?" He grins sheepishly.

"I think you're a lot smarter than you let on." She gives him one last glare before putting on a smile and turning to us. "Hi! You all must be Fin's new friends! I've heard so much about you guys!" She claps her hands together. "I'm Infinity's mother and Dauntless's Lead Investigator, Plumeria Perkins!"

"Nice to meet you, Ms. Perkins." I bow my head a little, not entirely sure how to respond to her sudden change in attitude.

"Okay, so is Fin adopted or something?" Christina asks. Of course she'd blurt out what's probably on everyone's mind.

Ms. Perkins bursts out laughing. "Oh, fuck no, I had to give birth to him! Let me tell you, he really ripped me a new one!" It's so strange hearing someone's mom drop an f-bomb so casually, and I don't even want to think about-- Birth has always disgusted me. Even before I realized I was a boy, I knew I'd never give birth.

"Okay, okay, if you're done questioning me, it's probably time to go. Visiting Day isn't for a couple weeks, you know?" He laughs awkwardly.

"Aww, are you embarrassed by your dear mother? Trust me, I could be way worse." She cackles.

"I know, I know." His face is redder than Shuî's as he groans.

She smirks. "Come on, let me give you a kiss."

Fin rolls his eyes. "Come on, Mom."

"Fin." That authoritative tone is back.

"Ugh, fine." He kneels down on one knee, and even at that height, he's taller than her. I don't think I've ever seen him embarrassed.

She plants a quick kiss on his cheek. "Love you, you bastard."

"Yeah, love you too, Mom." He's grinning as she pulls away. "We still good for dinner on Friday?"

"Of course. Your brother's dying to hear how well you're doing." She claps his shoulder before turning on her heel. "Just please remember to shower after training's done. I had to clean your sweat off our couch. last time." She flashes another smirk before turning to us. "And if any of you ever need someone to talk to, please let me know. I understand how hard transferring can be, so I'm here if you ever need any motherly advice." She gives us a quick wave before spinning on her heel and heading out of the Canteen.

Fin groans as he flops back into his seat. "God, I'm so sorry you had to meet the ol' bat like that."

"You two have an… interesting relationship." Will says after a moment.

Fin smiles a little underneath his embarrassment. "Yeah, she's fucking great, love her to death. Just… man, she fucking went straight for the throat there."

"Maybe it's just karma." Shuî hums, picking as his vegetables.

Fin's eyes snap over to him. "Learning some sass, are we?" Amusement pulls at his lips. "Though, yeah, I did kinda deserve it."

As the embarrassment subsides, I can’t stop but linger on what his mom said. ‘I think you're a lot smarter than you let on’.. Sure, I know most parents want to believe their children are smarter than they are. My mom assured me that I was plenty smart, even if I didn’t have the same opportunities that Ash did. But the ‘let on’ part is what bothers me. Is she implying he’s just playing dumb? Dumb isn’t exactly the word I’d use to describe him. Unfocused and flighty at times, sure, but his mom just confirmed he has ADHD, which makes a whole lot of sense.

Maybe it’s just her saying she believes in him. He laughs about something Christina says, and I decide to put that thought to rest. I already have enough on my mind with Ash. In order to keep my sanity, I have to trust someone.

0-0-0-0-0

The party's in two days, and I'm still trying to figure out what to wear. It shouldn't matter that much, but I don't know. Maybe I just want to impress people.

I can tell Shuî's bothered by the vanity of it all, even if he's hiding it. At least he's not preaching at me like those Stiffs outside the doctor's office when I got my birth control.

Regardless, even if he's trying not to be judgemental, I can tell he's bored as he waits for me outside the changing room.

My next outfit is definitely a little more risque than I intended. I know the top would be skimpy, but I didn't realize how much of my stomach it would expose. It's a red and black checkered tank top, and I didn't realize how cropped it was until I put it on. It looks good, and covers a surprise amount of cleavage. I'd rather a shirt be stomach skimpy than it skimpy.

My black shorts are high waisted, and I'm wearing fishnets underneath. I got new shoes too, big platform boots that make me four inches taller. I spin on my heal to make sure the outfit looks okay from behind, and god damn.

Did my ass always look this good?

My legs in general just look amazing. Maybe all the fighting was worth it. Nah, an ass like this isn't worth the violence. Though, if I have to fight anyway…

I've never been in love with the way I look. Even beyond the dysphoria, I've always had insecurities. Never really anything crippling, or at least as intense as the academic pressure, but I never really looked at myself in the mirror when I wasn't putting makeup on. I definitely never focused on my body this much.

It's funny, since I've left the faction of pride and vanity, I've become more proud and vain.

Still, despite how great I look, I'm a bit scared to walk out in something like this. Tight, skimpy clothing would never fly in Erudite, and even if it did, I can't imagine wearing it. Oh, god, imagining the shock on my parents face makes me want to die.

I wonder, if they even come on Visiting Day, will they even recognize me?

That doesn't matter. I'm in Dauntless now. I don't have to care what anyone thinks.

But I do care what people think. I always have, and I always will.

But god damn it, I like the way I look. That's all the matters.

I pull back the curtain to the changing stall. "You like?"

Shuî's face goes red. "I- uh…"

"Aww, I've never left someone speechless before." I chuckle. I try and step forward, but man these shoes have a learning curve. Heels? Not great, but I can walk. These are just weighted so differently. I almost stumble, but Shuî stands up and catches me.

Oh. He's not looking at me. I raise an eyebrow. "Too much?"

"It's just… I know we're in Dauntless at all, but it feels wrong seeing you so…"

"I mean, it's not like you haven't seen me naked before."

I swear I can feel the heat radiating off his face. "I, uh, no, I haven't."

Oh. "I mean, we've showered in the same room and stuff. Have you, uh, not looked?"

His eyes widen. "Of course not! Have you?"

Oh god, that sounded really bad. "I mean, I haven't, like, perved on you or anything, but, like, I've seen you in my peripheral vision." Fuck, people are staring at us. I grab his wrist and drag him back into the changing room, closing the curtains for even an inch of privacy. "Like, I'm not like Peter, I don't stare at people or anything, I just-" There's no way to make this sound good, is it.

Shuî's takes a couple deep breaths. "Okay, that's… sorry." He shakes his head. "It's just weird that people have seen me... you know."

I bite my lip. If he can't even say the word 'naked', he's definitely not ready for sex. Am I ready, or am I just desperate to at least get that out of the way before I become factionless?

"Got it." I have to know the answer for sure, though. "So, uh, I assume that means you're not ready for, uh…"

Shuî shakes his head, and my heart sinks. "It's not anything to do with you. Trust me, you're…" He finally looks at me, his eyes trying not to linger on any particular body part. "You're amazing. And… taller?" He shakes his head again. "Anyway, it's not you. It's me."

I never thought I'd actually hear that phrase out loud, but here we are. I almost laugh at the cliche, but manage to hold it together. Still, it stings. Does this count as a rejection? Does he think he'll be ready eventually? Do I even want to push this?

No, I'm not pushing this any further. I like him a whole lot, and sure, I'd love for my first time to be with him, but that's not realistic. I might have less than two weeks until I'm kicked out, so I don't have the luxury of time. And even beyond that, I just want to not be a virgin anymore.

If sex is all I want, that'll be easy here in Dauntless. Especially since I'm apparently smokin' hot. I catch another glance at myself in the mirror, and daaaamn.

Everything will be fine.

"Hey, Shuî, you want to go get those flower tattoos we talked about last time?" Because that's the best way to heal emotional pain: physical pain.

Shuî let's out a breath I didn't realize he was holding. "Yeah, sounds good."

0-0-0-0-0

People stare at us as we walk. Well, I guess they're staring at me. Are they? I know this outfit's attention grabbing and all, but it's not that out there for Dauntless.

I cling onto Shuî's arm, mostly so that I don't stumble. The platform boots are super cute, but not practical for the winding trails of Dauntless.

We arrive down at the tattoo parlor. It's moderately busy, but I've peeked in when it's packed. We go back to the column where we found the stencils before, and thankfully, everything's still where it was.

Shuî catch's one of the older tattoo artist's (I think her name's Tori) eyes. "Hey, uh, this may sound weird, but I don't really want to have my shirt off in front of a bunch of people if I can help it, so, uh, I want to see if I can get one of the private rooms."

"Oh, uh, okay." I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm still a little disappointed. I'd kinda hoped we'd get them together. "Yeah, that's fine."

And so, I watch him walk off and talk to Tori. I lean against the column and sigh. God, he's weird sometimes.

"Crimson!"

I jump and turn around. Holy shit, I haven't talked to Myra in ages! "Hey, how's it going?"

"These past couple weeks have been intense. Mostly good intense, though." Myra's smile is as sweet as ever. "Though, I bet your's have been even more hectic, with the whole 'new boyfriend' thing. Or is it boyfriends? I can't tell."

I shrug. "Honestly, your guess is as good as mine." Should I have that conversation with them? Does it really matter at this point? "Are you getting a tattoo?"

"Oh, yeah, I want to get a snake wrapped around my arm! I've always really liked them." She doesn't strike me as a snake girl, but then again, I don't know her all that well. "What are you getting?"

I hold up the stencil. "Was thinking this on my shoulder blade." I entertained the idea of getting on my right thigh, but that's the side I sleep on, and I don't want to switch sides while it heals.

"Aww, that's super pretty!"

"Are you guys ready?" Holy shit, does Rex make it a point to come up behind me every time? I need to learn not to jump at anything that startles me.

We hold up our stencils. "Yep, sure are!"

Rex looks at the snake stencil, then at Myra. "Yeah, your idea's cooler, I'll do yours." He smirks a little before calling out. "Hey, Bud, I have another flower tattoo for you!"

I learned something today: there's an odd catharsis in sharing pain with someone else. Myra holds my hand as we get our tattoos, and I feel like my hand's going to break from how tightly she's squeezing, but it's okay. I'm probably squeezing too hard too.

The pain itself is already worth it, since I'm left with beautiful art on my skin, but there's something special about sharing it with another person.

I wish I'd shared it with Shuî, though. I get it, I do, but I just… I don't even know, I just want him to get better. I know that's going to take a lot of time and therapy, and I can't just kiss him and make it better, but goddamn it, I wish I could save him.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: I have no excuses for how long this took other than I was writing other stuff. Plotted out an entire Cyberpunk Stripper AU that I'll probably never actually write except for a few scenes. Also have another short story set in this universe that I'm working on. No ETA, it often takes me months to finish shit.

Don't try to fix boys. That's not how things work. Crimson isn't a role model, and this ain't Fruits Basket.

Chapter 19

It's the night of the party, and there's a bubble in my chest that just won't pop. I'm wearing the outfit I picked out a couple days ago, but after all the stares I got just walking to the tattoo parlor, I don't know if I could deal with all that attention all night.

I stare at myself in the mirror. I did my makeup bolder than ever, with a red smokey eye and black lipstick. I look so different than I did even last month.

No, I can't do the skimpy. At least not at first. I put on a long sleeved shirt with large zigzags cut out at the armholes. There's similar cutouts at the bottom, and it goes down last my shorts. Does this count as a dress? I raise my arms up, and it raises up to where you can see that I'm at least wearing something underneath. Not a dress. Well, I guess it could be, but that's not what I'm calling it, damn it.

"I think my nails are dry?" Shuî calls from the other room. I walk back out of the bathroom and see him holding his fingers by the fan. He looks up at me, and the eyeliner is already smudged on one eye. "Also, uh, my eye itched, did I mess up my makeup?"

"Just a little." I reach up and smudge the other eye. "There we go. I think you look more Dauntless this way, anyway."

Fuck, his smile's precious. I could stare at him all day.

"So, you ready to go?" I ask, linking his arm with mine.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Damn, that tight athletic shirt looks good on him. Then again, everything looks great on him.

So, arm in arm, we make our way down to the Pit. I see Fin leaning on the railing by the Chasm, but it takes me a second to recognize him. His hair's purple now, and he's wearing a short-ass skirt. Like, dam, not much is left to the imagination. He's also wearing fishnets and platform boots like me (Why does he need platform boots if he's already super tall?), and he also has thigh high black and purple striped socks. He wears a leather jacket, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if there was nothing underneath.

"You guys look great!" He grins as we approach.

"So do you!" It's an odd look, sure, and I never pictured Fin in a skirt, but you know what? It works for him.

"Yeah, I like your…" Shuî struggles for a second. "Hair."

"What, you've never seen a hot guy in a skirt?" Fin smirks.

"I've never seen any guys in a skirt. Abnegation had pretty strict rules on gendered clothing."

"Well, gender is for losers." Fin spins on his heel and starts heading towards wherever we're going. "C'mon, boys! Let's get shwasted!"

This is going to be an experience, isn't it?

As we approach the apartment, I can already feel the bass of whatever song is playing. While I can't make out any other instruments, the rythmn is far different than anything I've ever heard. The closer we get, the more it shakes through me, and th wider my grin gets.

"What is what?" Shuî asks.

Fin wraps his hand around the doorknob. "That, my friend-" he opens the door. "Is music."

I take a peek into the apartment, and holy shit. For one, it's much larger than I was expecting. Is hair cutting that lucrative? Anyway, it's packed to the brim with people dancing to the music.

"C'mon, let's get you guys some alcohol." Fin grabs me by the hand, and I grab Shuî's as he leads us through the crowd. We end up in the kitchen, where I see more alcohol than I've ever seen in one place.

"You're late, Fin." Marona smirks as they -wait, her bracelet's pink. She- turns around.

"Nah, everyone else is early. What are you doing bartending at your own party?"

Marona laughs. "What can I say, it's my passion. I was going to teach Gaia so she could take over for me, but then she left and all that." For the first time, Marona frowns.

"Wait, y'all know Gaia?" How was that whole thing only a couple weeks ago? It feels like it's been months.

"Hell yeah, she was one of our best friends! She was almost Fin's stepsister, actually, but their moms broke up. Wait, how do you know each other?"

"We met her in Amity, actually. She helped us when Shuî passed out from heat exhaustion." Then Four accused us of sneaking off to have sex with her, then Shuî and I actually kissed, and man, that was a weird day. A good day, don't get me wrong, but definitely strange.

"Yeah, that sounds like her. Small city, am I right?" Fin grins.

Despite no aptitude for Erudite, my mind instantly sets off trying to figure out the exact odds of meeting someone in another faction. Amity's the largest faction with around seventy thousand, nearly half of the population in all of the factions, so theoretically I have a one in seventy thousand chance of meeting a particular person in Amity. But then I have to factor in how many people are Initiates or staff I'd interact with, my likelihood to seek out new people, their likelihood to seek out new people, and-

"Come on, let's do some shots!" Fin yells, breaking me out of my trance.

Well, you can take the boy out of Erudite, but you can't take the Erudite out of the boy. Even if said boy had no natural inclination towards Erudite. Man, nature versus nurture is such an interesting topic. If Erudite wasn't so high pressure, maybe I'd have-

"Ooh, should we just out the absinthe?" Marona smirks.

I almost throw up at the thought. I've never been drunk, only the ocassional glass of wine with my mom, but I've done extensive research. You know, for curiosity sake. I glance over at Shuî, and he just looks confused.

"God, Marona, I always forget how much of a fucking sadist you are." He leans forward towards her, bracing his arms on either side. "It's kinda turning me on." He kisses her deeply. God damn it, it doesn't even surprise me anymore.

"Hey, now, we'll have plenty of time for this later." Marona giggles. "For now, you think vodka or tequila?"

"Oh, definitely vodka. Tequila's fucking nasty."

"Yet you drink it every time." Marona grins as she pours a bottle of clear fluid into four shot glasses. A bit spills, but since I'm assuming she's already drunk some, she's doing better than I would sober. She pushes two towards us. "Here you go. Don't sip it, don't smell it, just tip it back and make sure as little hits your tongue as possible. On three?"

I can tell by the face Shuî's making that he definitely smelt it. I'm sure it smells like nail polish remover. It burns my nose without me even trying to smell it.

"One." I hold up my glass. I can do this. "Two." I hold it up to my lips. "Three!"

I tip it back, and holy fuck, that's awful. It takes all my effort not to spit it back out. But I swallow, and everything burns. Shuî falls into a coughing fit next to me, and Marona and Fin both cackle in delight.

"Hey, you guys are doing better than Fin did his first shot. He puked so fucking hard." Marona chuckles as she goes to the fridge. "Here, let me get you guys something better."

"Hey, I was already sick, shut up!" Fin laughs, clearly not offended. "Seriously though, guys, the first is always the worst."

Marona hands us bottles filled with something reddish-purple. I look at the label. Mixed berry lemonade flavored. "Those should do you much better. Just stick to one or two an hour and you won't get too wasted.

I open it up and take a sip. Much better. It mostly tastes like soda, actually. I take another drink, and I can definitely taste the alcohol more this time. Still, it's not near as bad as the vodka.

"You boys ready to party?" Fin chuckes after doing a second shot.

"Ready as I'll ever be." Shuî says. How's he already halfway through the bottle?

Fin leads us back out into the crowd. The music's so loud, and I can barely hear anything else. Voices blend together in a chorus or screams and laughter. My hips automatically start swaying in sync with the music.

"Fuck, there's more people here than I thought there'd be." Fin yells as he looks around. "Oh, fuck, it's Elijah! Haven't talked to him in months!" He starts towards someone I can't see in the crowd. I try to follow him, but the mass of bodies blocks my way. I've never been great at navigating crowds.

What do you even do at parties? Talk to strangers? Everyone seems to be in their own groups. I look over at Shuî, and he's just as uncomfortable as I am.

"Let me guess, Fin ditched you on accident?" I turn to the voice, and surprisingly, it's Lynn.

"Yeah."

"Don't worry, he does all this all the time. Come on." She leads us over to a couch, where Marlene and Uriah are thumb wrestling. "Hey, guys, found a couple of Fin's strays."

Marlene cracks into a grin. "Hey, guys, welcome to the party!"

Has the music gotten quieter? "Good to see you, Marlene."

As she starts to say something else, Uriah beats her in their game. "Don't get distracted, dumbass."

Marlene lets out a yell of frustration that quickly melts onto laughter. "That's, what, the fifth time you've won?"

"Sixth, actually."

Marlene stands up. "Fine, I give up. Hey, Crimson, Shuî, you guys want to dance?"

"I'm good, thank you though."

You know what? Fuck it. Sure. "Sounds awesome!"

She takes my hand and walks me through the crowd. I thought we'd have to fight to get in, but she parts the crowd and opens a path with just her smile. I shouldn't be drunk already, but maybe that shot was stronger than I was anticipating. It feels like we're gliding, and then she suddenly stops. I bump into her, and my stomach does a flip.

She takes my hands and places them on her waist. She pulls me close, and my breath hitches in my throat. Fuck, she's so pretty. Not that I can focus on her, since someone turned on a strobe light. Flashes of silhouettes flood my vision, and I have to close my eyes. The bass pumps through my body, carrying my heartbeat with it, and I lose myself in the music.

Someone else's hands join Marlene's and start exploring my body. The rational part of my brain tells me to look at who it is, but does it matter? Do I really have to care who wants me? Every touch is shallow, catering to base instinct and nothing more.

I was never treated this way back in Erudite. Sure, they were shallow there too, but they at least hid it by valuing intellect. And who would care to even look at me when my brother existed? He was --is, he's still alive-- smart and handsome, and back in Erudite, I was neither. Here, I'm finally noticed.

I lean back into whoever's grabbing me, swaying to the beat.

I don't know how many hands pass over my body, how my bodies mine touch. I don't open my eyes once, and I just let the crowd guide me. The smell of sweat and cologne and alcohol fills my lungs, laughter and music bleeding together in my ears. I lose track of where my body ends and where the rest of Dauntless, and for once, I truly belong somewhere.

Stiff hands touch my shoulders, fingertips grazing down my arm, unsure.

I don't need to open my eyes to know it's Shuî, but I still do. After all, he's my boyfriend, of course I want to look at him.

"You can touch me however you want, it's okay." I say, answering the question I know he won't ask.

"I don't think that's such a great idea." He shakes his head, and his body begins to sway. Oh, shit, is he actually, like, drunk drunk? "Might go too far."

"There's no such thing as too far with me." That probably isn't the most helpful thing to say, but it's true. I wouldn't say no to anything, especially now when I'm high on the attention.

"I know, it's just-" He stumbles forward, and I catch him by his waist. Jeez, he's thin. "I want more than I can have, I think."

"Man, you can have anything you want. You deserve it."

Shuî takes a deep breath. "Can, can we sit down? Please?"

"Yeah, of course." I lead him back over to the couches. He sits down, not gracefully like he normally does, but flopping down like Fin does. I sit next to him. "So, uh, you good?"

Shuî shakes his head, then presses his palm to his forehead. "I need to stop doing that, my brain does flips every time. But, anyway, uh, so you said I could have anything I want?"

"Bruh, you've dealt with so much shit. You deserve literally anything you want." How could he not? He's practically perfect.

"But, uh, what if the things I want… conflict?" He rubs his thumb against his other palm.

"What do you- Oh." Ash. Right. "I mean, I'm not going to ask you to choose or anything."

"I, uh, I don't think he'd be thrilled about it, to say the least."

"Right." Right. Of course. Ash never liked sharing. Right, right. And of course Shuî would be more attracted to him than me. That's the reason this is so tough, right? Because his choice isn't the easy one.

I know I said I didn't mind that he still liked Ash, after everything. And maybe I shouldn't. But I do. I don't want to admit what Ash did was awful, but it was. I need to accept that he's not going to apologize, things aren't going to go back to normal.

I glance around, and speak of the devil. Ash is leaning against the wall, bottle in hand, eyes flitting around. He looks supremely uncomfortable. I don't know if I've ever seen him be awkward at an event.

Since when do I belong here more than he does?

"It's okay." It's a lie, but he doesn't have to know that. "It's okay if you want to choose him. I'll be fine."

I will be fine, hypothetically. I'm wanted here. Hands grabbed me all over, they must want me. Fin wants me. Hell, he directly said he prefers me to Ash. Much needed ego boost.

Where is Fin, anyway?

If Shuî feels the need to choose, it's fine. I can manage. Besides, I'm likely getting kicked out next week anyway. That choice will be made for him, so it's a waste of his time if I continue this.

It’s fine. I’ll be fine.

“Crimson, I-”

“Just choose him. Please.” I stand up, refusing to let my hands shake, closing my eyes so that tears don't spill. Before he can respond, I walk away.

Thank God, Fin's in the kitchen, laughing with Marona. I grab onto his sleeve and bury my face in the crook of his arm.

"Hey, you good, man?" He asks, laughter tapering off.

I look up at him, and every time, I'm struck by how handsome he is. And for once, I see true concern in those sapphire eyes.

"Fuck me. Right now." The words tumble out before I can think about it, but it needed to be said.

"I mean, of course, but this is kinda sudden, and you look, uh, like you're not doin' so hot. You sure?"

I stand up straight, legs like steel. "Look, I just need to feel wanted, you know? And it's not like this is the first time I've thought about it. I've, uh, thought it a lot. I just haven't had the courage to ask."

A wry smile creeps up his face. "Alright, alright." He looks over to Marona, about to ask a question, when she interrupts.

"Yeah, yeah, you can use my room. Just clean up after yourselves." She chuckles.

"You want to join?" I blurt out.

She laughs again. "Oh, no, sweetheart, I don't fuck virgins. But have fun."

Without warning, Fin grabs me and slings me over his shoulder. I laugh as he walks out of the kitchen and to the right, down a hallway I didn't notice before. I glance back, and Shuî's talking to a boy I don't recognize. He'll be fine, and so will I.

Fin half lowers, half drops me onto the bed, and I've never wanted anything more.

His hands grab at my clothes, my skin, sending fire through my veins. His nails grip into me, maybe hard enough to draw blood, but I don't care. His lips explore my body, tongue piercing cold and his teeth just as sharp as they look.

I feel safe underneath him, like nothing can hurt me anymore. I feel warm, protected, and most importantly…

I feel [i]wanted[/i].

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: Whoops I'm lazy as hell and barely wrote on this for two months. And I did not lan to have the Shuî/Crimson conflict come to a head here, but that's how it happened. Also yikes Crimson's insecurities really came out hard on this one. He ain't even that drunk, he has no excuse.

Let's hope the next chapter doesn't take as long lmao.

Chapter 20

Ash's POV

When I came here, I wasn't sure whether Shuî would refuse to drink or get way too wasted. Turns out, it was the latter. It's not a surprise. Repress anyone long enough and they'll swing to the opposite side of the pendulum at the first chance.

Should I have stopped him? Eh, he's an adult. Tomorrow's hangover will help him more than I ever could.

"How's the weather up there, Daddy Long Legs?"

I flinch at the word 'Daddy'. I know that's the name of the spider and all, but geez. I look over, and the dude who said it isn't even that short. "Uh, smokey."

The guy chuckles a bit. "Yeah, some assholes smoke inside like complete idiots." He extends out his hand. "I'm Elijah. You?"

"Ash." I say, shaking his hand.

"Ah, Fin's told me about you." Oh. Great. "But I prefer to make my own judgements. So, what's a cute boy like you doing being a fucking wallflower?"

I raise an eyebrow. "Is your idea of hitting on someone really just negging them?" I take a sip of my beer.

Elijah shrugs. "It's worked for me in the past."

"Got it." I sigh and lean back against the wall. "And I'm not just being a wallflower. I'm keeping an eye on my friend." Are we friends at this point? Or has he fully fallen for Crimson's charm? I spot them dancing together, Crimson's hands on his waist as he stumbles, drunk.

"Let me guess, that's Crimson and Shuî."

"How did you know?"

"Well, Fin was supposed to introduce me to them, but he must have lost them in the crowd." Elijah chuckles again. "Though, it's strange, they're not his usual type at all."

Do I even care? "What do you mean?"

Elijah narrows his eyes. "You didn't notice? Fin's, uh, how do I say this? He's normally a bratty ass bottom, so those two are a definite departure from his normal choices."

"Oh." I don't really know what else to say.

"Well, actually, now that I'm looking at him, I'm getting strong switch vibes from Shuî."

I glare down at him. "Can you just not make sexual comments about everyone I know? Jesus Christ, dude."

Whatever Elijah's about to say stops short. I look up and see Crimson storming off, face screwed up like it always is when he's fighting tears. "Well, looks like something went wrong." Elijah comments as Shuî buries his face in his hands.

Holy shit, did they just break up?

Elijah claps my shoulder. "Now's your chance. Go sweep him off his feet."

God, why won't this guy just shut the fuck up? "Who said I was even into him?"

He cocks his head, smirk still plastered on his face. "Do you really think you're mysterious, dude?" He gives my shoulder a squeeze. "Hey, if you're not going after him, I will."

I want to punch him in the face, but I settle for a grunt as I turn and walk away. I need a cigarette, that's what I need. Should I really leave Shuî alone though?

He's an adult. He can handle himself.

I push out the door and lean against the railing overlooking the Pit. The view still makes me nauseous, but I push past it as I fish out my lighter. My hands shake as I light one up, but that tension goes away the moment I take a drag.

Why am I even here? Maybe I should just go back to the dorms and try to sleep.

"Let me guess, you hate crowds too?"

I glance over, and May's next to me, lighting a cig up of their own. They're not wearing their red contacts, revealing that their eyes are a dull brown.

"Nah, just some dude named Elijah or whatever was harassing me."

"Oh, that fucker?" May rolls their eyes. "Marona insists he's well intentioned. I just think he has nothing better to do that insert himself into random stranger's sex lives." They take a drag and sigh. "He must be good in bed or something, because that's practically the only thing they base their friendships on."

"People are shallow, what can I say?"

"Yeah." We stand in silence for a moment, letting the bass vibrate through us, before they continue. "Marona's mother was originally just the mistress, you know?"

"Oh?" I tap off the ashes and take another drag.

"Yeah. Originally, my mother tried to seduce her to give our father a taste of his own medicine, then he thought it was hot or whatever. My mother was planning to divorce his ass, but surprise surprise, Daddy couldn't wrap it up and got both of them pregnant." She scoffs.

"What's the point in telling me this?" Seriously, why does everyone keep telling me stuff I don't care about?

"Point is, I can practically smell the resentment off of you." They look me in the eyes, and they pierce into my soul. "You and Crimson are step-brothers, right?"

"Yeah, but I don't think that really changes anything. It would be the same if we were biologically related, he'd just be taller and not white." Or I'd be a short pasty redhead, which is even more cursed. "My mom died in childbirth, and I'm pretty sure Crimson is the result of a one night stand, so there's not any cheating or jealousy or anything."

"Ah." They look back across the pit. "So how'd they fuck you up, then?"

I shrug. "My parents put more pressure on me than Crimson. He was always able to charm them into thinking he was incompetent."

"Ah, so like Marona. Well, they're actually incompetent, but you know." A faint smile, not one of joy, but more familiarity, slides up her face. "So, did everyone around you guys fawn over Crimson if he fucked up, but whenever you fucked up, they went off on you?"

"Not exactly went off. More just… disappointment." Thinking of my parents being angry with me almost makes me laugh. I've seen them frustrated, sure, but never mad.

"Ah, the curse of being talented." May rolls their eyes. "Look, I'm betting a lot of people are giving you shit for beating up your brother, right?"

My lips press into a flat line. "Yeah."

"Hey, I get it. Sure, maybe you did go too far. I don't know the details. But imagine if your brother won that fight instead. You'd be eaten alive." They take another drag. "Shit's brutal. You gotta do what you can to stay afloat."

Sure. That's what all this is for. Survival.

Deep down, guilt pulls at my heart.

Can't think about that now. I have to make it into Dauntless, because a fate worse than death comes with failure.

The music quiets down. "Looks like they're setting up for Dauntless or Candor. You in?"

I tap the ashes off the end of my cigarette. "You know what? Sure, why not?"

0-0-0-0-0

The moment I step into the room, I think of a thousand reasons to turn back around and head to the dorms. This isn't a good idea. It's a childish pursuit, one that's likely to end in more trouble than it's worth, but I'm quickly realizing that's what Dauntless is all about. While I hated the rigid structure, the unyielding pressure of Erudite, the free-spirited chaos of Dauntless is too far a swing in the wrong direction.

It's almost funny how I supposedly fit into both factions, but in reality, I can't find my place in either of them.

I grab another beer to make the night more tolerable and sit in the circle. Maybe this won't be as bad as I'm imagining.

Elijah sits down next to me and claps my shoulder, and I instantly want to leave. The only thing tethering me to the circle is Shuî sitting across from me. His hand is tangled in Marlene's, and a jolt of jealousy shoots through my arteries. It quickly subsides when I see the way she looks at Lynn.

I have no right to be jealous anyway, not when I don't have the courage to sit next to him.

No, no, it's not about courage, it's about respect. He'd sit with me if he wanted to. I'm not going to force him to interact with me. I'm not a coward, I'm just considerate.

His eyes meet mine, unfocused and wide. His face is crushed, presumably from the alcohol. I can't read his expression.

Thankfully, Elijah's distracted by the bluenette of ambiguous gender on his left, so I can breathe. I glance around, and notice Fin and Crimson have disappeared. I don't want to know where they went.

After a moment, Marona stumbles into the center of the circle. "Welcome to the most hectic night of your lives!" She yells, taking a sip of berry colored alcohol, and I know it's night is going to be a beautiful hell.

It's easy to tell the Dauntless borns from the transfers. The Dauntless are wild in their dares, slinging them out like they've had them planned for months. Surprisingly, they're not all raunchy either. Most seem like inside jokes or references that go completely over my head, like chopping off hair, licking furniture, mixing alcohol with mustard and drinking it. Only the transfers answer Candor, and all the questions they ask and dares they give are lame, like kissing or talking about the one singular time you got to touch a boob.

I'm about to leave when it's Elijah's turn to ask a question after getting dared to take a shot out of his boot. I expect him to target me, but instead, he goes for the far worse option.

"Hey, Shuî, Candor or Dauntless?"

"Dauntless." Shuî says with absolutely zero hesitation.

"Alright, kiss whoever you think is the cutest in here."

The human body can survive approximately 20-30 minutes after their heart stops. I was surprised to learn that, since cinema had taught me that flatlining was the end of a human life. I'm thankful for that fact, because my own heart fucking stops the moment he looks at me.

Fuck.

He tries to stand up, but half way through, he starts to sway and sits back down. Instead, he starts crawling right towards me.

"Hey." He grins, his face only inches from mine. He steadies his arm on my shoulder. "How you doing?"

"I should be the one asking you that." I try and swallow the lump in my throat. As much as I've wanted this, it's not something I should have.

"'M doing great. Jus' great." His smile is lazy, his eyelids only half open.

"You sure about this?" I ask. His nose is touching mine, and I can smell the vodka on his breath.

"More than anything."

And then his lips crash into mine. He's off tempo, clearly drunk, and he doesn't seem to know what to do with his tongue. It's by all objective measures a bad kiss, but it's honest and needy, and most importantly, it's Shuî.

They say that drunk actions are sober thoughts, which means he's thought about this before. The fact that he instantly looked at me fills my heart, and I let myself indulge in the kiss for just a moment.

I stop myself, because I feel like if I don't, he's going to regret this.

As I pull away, his face falls into my chest. He giggles as he tries to push himself up, arm grazing my waist as he braces himself against the floor.

"Hey, uh, we should probably get some fresh air and talk about this." I try and make it sound lighthearted, because I really don't want to upset him.

"Sounds good."

I stand up, my hands clutched on his upper arms so that he comes up with me. His legs take a moment to find their place, and his chest presses against mine for support. God, I wish he was this close to me in literally any other context.

"Hey, don't forget about the game!" Elijah laughs as we make our way to the door.

"Elijah, I dare you to shove a cactus up your ass." I roll my eyes and finally, finally get us into fresh air.

Just as I think I can breathe, Shuî stumbles, pushing me into the wall. Was that an accident? Nope, he's trying to kiss me again. His lips hit my jaw, and God, I wish I was a worse person so I could enjoy this.

"Shuî." I mutter. "Maybe, uh, not now."

"No one's around."

"Shuî." I grab him by his shoulders and pull him off of me. "I'm saying no. Please?"

"Why not? You've been staring at me all night."

"Yeah, cause I was worried you'd get too drunk."

"And you stare at me all the rest of the time too."

I don't have a good answer for that. "Look, uh, you're drunk, and you're dating Crimson, and-"

"Crimson just dumped me."

Oh. "What?"

"Yeah. He didn't want me to have to choose, so he told me to choose you."

Oh. Of course he did. Crimson, kind as can be, would dump a boy so his brother can have him instead. It's like how he always offered me first choice of desserts or school supplies.

Is Shuî really as important to him as a protractor? Didn't matter if I had this one, since there was another protractor on the other room, waiting to… Draw straight lines with? I'm too drunk for metaphors.

Does this mean I'm Shuî's second choice? He's been consistently choosing him every day. Sure, I catch him stealing glances at me, but if he really wanted me, he'd approach me.

"Let's just get you home, okay?"

"Yeah, sure."

We're silent as we walk down the paths to the dorms. Too much swirls in my head, from the taste of Shuî's lips to Crimson's flippancy to the deep set guilt in my chest. I keep my arm wrapped around his ribcage to keep him from stumbling off the edge. His inhales are deep, and his exhales are fluttery, like he can't believe he managed to breathe in the first place.

We eventually reach the Chasm. "Hey, uh, one sec." He pulls away and goes to the railing, and before I can ask what's going on, he starts vomiting.

Oh.

I go over to him and brush the strands of hair that fall into his face back. His hair was almost buzzed when he first came to Dauntless, and it's already almost two inches long. Isn't the average a half an inch a month? Anyway, I rub his back, just like I've done for Will every time we snuck my dad's bourbon or Sebastian after exactly one and a half glasses of wine.

"Thank you." He mutters after he's finally done. He stays there for a moment. "You know, it's so much nicer here than in Abnegation."

"What do you mean?" I raise an eyebrow. Here? Nice?

"Yeah. Like, back in Abnegation, people help because they feel like they have to, not because they want to. Whenever someone helps here, you know they're actually, like, a good person."

Heat rises to my cheeks. "You… Think I'm a good person?" No fucking way he thinks I'm good after he saw what I did to my brother.

He looks up at me, eyes dark and surprisingly serious for someone who's wasted out of their minds. "I think you could be, if you tried."

I almost laugh with relief. I'm glad he's not naive enough to think I'm perfect now, but the idea that he believes I could me brings an odd mix of joy and melancholy to my chest.

"I think…" I don't even realize I'm talking for a moment. "That's part of the reason I can't be with you yet. Don't get me wrong, I really like you, I'm just… I have a lot going on right now. You understand?"

He nods slowly. "Yeah, I do." He starts to stand up, and I have to catch him and straighten him out. "'M sorry. My brain is full of soup."

"Let's get you to bed, then." I scoop him up into my arms, because frankly, that's easier than trying to walk with him. Every time I hold him like this, I'm amazed at how light he is.

The dorm room is already dark by the time we get back. Not that I'm surprised, we do have training in the morning. Why did we even go to this party, anyway?

I don't feel like trying to find where Shuî stores his blankets when he's not sleeping, so I just lay him in my bed. I'm probably not sleeping tonight anyway. Instead, I sit on the ground and lean against the bed pole.

I don't know what any of this is going to mean for tomorrow, or for the future. All I know is that things are changing faster than I can imagine, and it's going to get so much worse before anything gets better.

0-0-0-0-0
A/N: sorry, got stuck on the conversation with May for like two months. Once I powered though that, I was gold. And hey, now every possible combination of the main four have kissed now, so that's exciting? How's it all going to end? Dunno, probably not well. They're 16 year olds.

Oh God, next chapter is going to be a bitch to write. I know basically what happens in the next few chapters, but I really don't know how I'm going to chunk it all up.

Oh fuck the Visiting Day shit's happening soon, that's going to be a *big* chapter oh my God

Anyway thanks for listening, thanks for keeping on reading this clusterhug of a book lol.

Oh lol one of my friend's thought Shuî was short. Nah, he's six feet, I think I mentioned it in chapter 4. He's just smol.

Chapter 21

My head's about to split open as I wake up. What the actual fuck happened last night? I sit up slowly, and my stomach lurches.

Shuî's not on the floor next to me like usual. Instead, he's on Ash's bed. Where's Ash?

Doesn't matter, whatever's in my stomach is quickly trying to escape. I barely make it to the bathroom before I vomit. By the time I'm done, it feels my entire body is empty, blood and all.

On shaky legs, I go to the sinks to try and clean myself up before I go to the showers. I look at my reflection, and holy smokes, what happened to my neck? A bruise? How did I-

Oh.

Oh.

Oh.

Yep, I lost my virginity last night. Memories come creeping back in, and at first they are pleasant, and then I remember what happened before.

I dumped Shuî. I think. Did I? After all, he clearly wanted to be with Ash. That shouldn't bother me though.

Maybe it should? Just because Ash is my brother doesn't mean he's not a dick.

Still, he hasn't antagonized me since the fight. He's avoided me completely. Is he ashamed? Or do I just mean that little to him? If he was really ashamed, he'd apologize. Would he?

I run back to the bathroom stall, more vomit threatening to spill from my mouth.

"You good in there?" Al asks.

"Yeah, just-" I can't even finish my sentence before I hurl again.

"Stomach bug?"

I don't really want to get into the events of last night. "Something like that."

"Make sure you drink plenty of water." Thankfully, he leaves me alone after that. He's such a sweetheart, but I'm really not in the mood to talk.

After a few minutes, I finally get up to try and stomach breakfast.

Neither Shuî nor Fin are present for breakfast. Should I be concerned? I'm more relieved than anything, though I know putting off talking about things won't help.

I'm about halfway through my single, unflavored pancake when I hear those dreaded words.

"We need to talk."

Shuî's the one who spoke, but Fin's standing right beside him. Neither of them look happy.

"Yeah. Sure." I stand up, trying to gulp down the lump in my throat. Maybe this won't be so bad.

It's going to be bad.

Fin leads us down a couple different hallways, somewhere where no one will bother us. In some places here in Dauntless, it really feels like I'm deep down in a cave, the faint blue glow my only lifeline.

"So…" I don't even know where to start. Should I be the one starting?

"Last night was… interesting to say the least." Shuî says after a moment. He leans back against the wall, arms folded across his chest.

"Uh, yeah, that's one way to put it." The lump in my throat just won't go away.

"That's not how I'd put it." Fin glares at me. "From an outsider's point if view, it sounds like you tried to pressure a drunk person into sex, dumped him when it didn't work, you immediately fucked someone who didn't know the whole situation, and therefore couldn't give informed consent. Does that sound about right?"

I blink. "Wait, that's…" It takes me a moment to find the words. "Wait, Fin, I didn't mean to lie to you. Would you have said no if you knew…"

"Absolutely. I'm a whore, but I'm not a slime."

Oh. That's… fuck. Wow, yeah, I really fucked that one up. "But Shuî, that's not the reason I broke up with you."

"It felt like it." Shuî's eyes are dark and bloodshot, and it's the most direct I've ever seen him. "You knew I wasn't ready, yet you kept pushing it."

I open my mouth to respond, but Fin stops me. "And don't you dare use the alcohol excuse. You were the soberest one of us by a long shot."

I gulp. Fuck. "Shuî, I'm sorry, I-" I don't even know what to say to fix this.

I can't fix this. It's better this way. I don't want them to miss me when I'm gone.

But that doesn't mean it's okay to hurt them.

Sobs rack my body, and I slowly sink to the ground. Was my subconscious trying to sabotage things? Or am I really just that stupid,that selfish as to not even think about anyone but myself? I fall to my knees, my arms clutching at my ribcage. "At least now you won't miss me, huh?"

"What do you mean?" Shuî's voice softens. No, I don't deserve that kindness.

"Isn't it obvious? I'm going to get kicked out of Dauntless in a week. It's for the best if you guys aren't attached to me." Fuck. I can't deal with the idea of anyone missing me. They're all going to be fine. They have to be.

"You don't know that. What's going to happen if you get to stay, huh? Then everyone's going to hate you if you keep acting like this." Fin rolls his eyes.

Shuî kneels down in front of me. "Don't you want to make the most of the time you have?" He cocks his head to the side, his concerned eyes suffocating me. "We could have made more wonderful memories. Instead, you went and ruined it all." That concern snaps to ice, freezing every capillary, artery, and bronchiole in my lungs. He stands up. "Come on, Fin. We should probably get to training."

"Yeah, I think Lauren might stab me if I'm late again." Fin drapes his arm around Shuî's shoulder as they leave me in the hallway.

Fuck. They were right, they always are. I try and take a deep breath, but my lungs are closed tight, shudders racing through my body instead of oxygen. How did I fuck up so badly? Why was I so selfish, so stupid, so vile? There's no reason for my actions other than blind self-serving loneliness.

I don't know how long I just sit there and cry.

0-0-0-0-0

I've missed all the fights by the time I finally go to the training room. I don't even look to see who I would've fought, I just take my gun and go to the practice targets.

"Hey, Crimson." A hand claps my shoulder as I'm reloading. I glance up. Four. "Can I talk to you for a moment?" Am I in trouble? He doesn't look angry, just concerned. I really can't handle anyone else worrying about me.

"Sure." I set down my gun and follow him out of the room.

"Crimson, I have to ask, is anyone… hurting you?" His eyes are right on my neck.

Oh. Oh. A laugh bubbles out before I can contain it. Of everything wrong, he thinks that that's what he should be concerned about. Sure, not the fact that I've obviously been crying, but the consensual hickeys on my neck.

They weren't consensual, though. Fin wouldn't have given them to me if he'd known what I'd just done.

Then again, he didn't ask, and I didn't lie to him.

"No one's hurting me." I shake my head after composing myself. "It's, uh, not really something you can help out with."

Four furrows his brows at me, but ultimately lets it go. "Don't be late for training again. You're lucky Eric didn't pop in."

"Yes, sir."

Four doesn't say anything more as he goes back into the room. It takes me a moment to compose myself, but I eventually follow.

Holding a gun shouldn't make me feel good, but for some strange reason, it does. I feel powerful, which is a dangerous feeling to have immediately nafter getting dumped. Is this some desperate attempt to reclaim what… (Power? That sounds too strong. Status? Not right either. Confidence? That works, we'll go with that) confidence I had before all of this.

I'm getting good at this. Maybe I'm not in as much danger of getting thrown out as I thought I was.

0-0-0-0-0

"Hey, you look like shit." Will says as we start walking to lunch. Shuî stayed behind to clean. Why does he keep doing that? To avoid me? No, he's done it before too.

"Yeah, I feel like it too." I groan.

"Hangover?" He asks with a knowing smile.

"That, and…" I really don't want to get into the details of what happened, but I feel like I should at least give him something to go off of. I don't want to be accused of lying by omission anymore. "Breakup."

"Oof." He exhales out of the side his mouth. "That's rough."

And it's all my fault. "Yeah, it is."

"Hey, after training, Al and I were going to hit up the arcade. Wanna come help me prove that I'm the champ at pinball?"

"Buddy, that's the most assholish way to ask that." Still, it's familiar, and it brings a smile to my face. "Yeah, sounds great."

"Attaboy." He claps my shoulder.

Part of my conscience nags at my heart, screaming at me that I don't deserve any positive attention. And maybe I don't, but Shuî was right. I should focus on creating happy memories with those I have left.

The rest of training goes by in a blur. I don't talk to anyone, just continue improving my aim. I know this isn't perfect training, since in real life any of my potential targets will be moving, but it at least gives me some self-assuredness.

After dinner, I join Will and Al at the arcade. And you know what? I forgot how fun pinball is. Sure, I'm absolutely terrible at it compared to Will, and even Al ends up with a higher score than me by the end, but it's a welcome distraction.

As we play, though, I get the strange feeling that someone's watching me. I look around, but no one's looking at me. I'm not wearing anything attention grabbing either, just a plain t-shirt and shorts that I changed into after training.

Is this what Ash feels like? Like eyes are always on him, tearing him apart for what he's done?

"You good?" Al asks, squeezing my shoulder. Fuck, he's so nice.

"Yeah, I'm fine."

He knows I'm lying, but thankfully, he doesn't push it.

0-0-0-0-0

My body's exhausted, but my mind won't let me sleep. I stare up at the bunk over mine, contemplating every mistake that got me to this point.

I can't keep doing this. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and make my way through the dark to the door. Water. I need water.

Thankfully, the water fountains are close by. I lean over and take a drink. The water's warm and has a faint taste of rust, but it's something to quench my thirst.

"You always stick your ass out when you bend over."

I jump, startled. Peter's leaning against the wall behind me, the dim blue light reflecting menacingly in his green eyes. I try to compose myself. "What do you mean?"

"You did it at the arcade too. It's like you're just begging for someone to come up and fuck you."

Does the darkness hide my blush? Do I care? That's clearly what he wants.

The smart part of my brain screams for me to disengage and go back to bed. There's no possible good ending for even talking to Peter, let alone sleeping with him. But I'm basically dead in a week, so fuck it. Happy memories, right? It's just a gamble of whether the consequences catch up to me by the time the week is over.

Fuck it, I'm willing to take that bet.

"Maybe I am."

He scoffs. "You really think anyone would?"

Ah, negging. If this wasn't just to satisfy base desires, I'd be disgusted. I still am. Maybe that's why I'm into this.

The fuck am I doing?

"You've displayed interest before." I shrug, taking a couple steps forward. My mind flits back to the train, where he hit on me after striking out with those girls. "You wouldn't even talk to me if you didn't want something, would you?” I don’t even need an answer to that. I know I’m right about him. He sees every interaction as a transaction.

Transactional is fine. It’s useful, even.

He clicks his tongue. “Maybe I just wanted to tease you."

Maybe he did. Maybe whatever I’m doing will get me nowhere. It's still worth a shot. "Maybe you did, but I imagine your hand isn't going to satisfy you any more than I can." My face flares red.

"Is that supposed to be a high bar?"

It's not, but it doesn't matter. "It should be high enough."

He looks at me for a while, eyes crawling up and down my body, considering his options. I shouldn't be doing this, pursuing someone who has to weigh me against a night alone in the showers. I should be looking for someone who genuinely wants me, but I don't have the time to be selective.

And besides, as far as looks go, I could do far worse than Peter.

"You know what, fuck it." He shoves me against the wall, his lips on my neck, his fingers already sliding under my clothes.

You know, I didn't really think this through, confronting him like this in a public hallway. Would this get us in trouble? I can't imagine it would, given everything I see, but I'd still rather not get caught by a multitude of people.

"Know anywhere a little more secluded?" My voice comes out in gasps.

He pulls away, annoyance in his eyes. He thinks for a moment. "There's a supply closet near by. That good enough for you, prince?"

Huh, I'm surprised he's not an asshole about my gender. I nod. It's not ideal, but it's better than nothing.

"Good." He grabs me by the wrist and leads me down a side hall, then rounds a corner. He tries to open the door, but it's locked. "You have a bobby pin or something?"

Why the fuck would I? I don't wear my hair up at night. I shrug. "Sorry, dude."

"Whatever, right here's fine." He goes right back to what he was doing.

There's something intimate about fucking someone you don't particularly like. It's hard to explain, but baring your body, your soul to someone who could crush it but chooses not to, it's incredibly intense. This is dangerous, he could hurt me if he wanted to, but I don't care.

He doesn't stick around after he's finished. I try to get up, but my exhaustion finally takes me over, and I pass out.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N good god I have too many monster chapters coming up help. Also I may have to be full-time at my job soon, which may help me write once I do since I actually do most of my writing at work.

Chapter 22

A/N: so I've officially decided to retcon everyone to be 18 instead of 16. I've been thinking it over for a while, and it's just a more comfortable age for me to write them as. I'll edit the previous chapters when I get the time/motivation.

Has this been way too long of a hiatus, even for me? Yep. To give myself credit, I've been rethinking a *lot* of what happens in the second book. It's funny how no main characters end up dying in the series at all, isn't it? Barring Tris, but like, Tobias and Christina make it out alive. Peter makes it. Uriah doesn't do anything for the plot to consider him a main character, unfortunately. So, no main characters die. I think that's very, very interesting.

Content Warning for this chapter: Sexual Assult

0-0-0-0-0

I wake up in someone's arms, the scent of cinnamon filling my nose. Fin? I open my eyes, and he's not looking at me, just staring forward as he carries me. I try to ask what's going on, but my body's too tired to even move my lips, and I pass out again.

The next time I wake up, it's to the harsh fluorescent lights in the showers. Wait, these showers have stalls? "Where the hell am I?" I murmur.

"Oh, good, you're awake. I didn't want to shove you in the shower asleep." Fin sighs with relief and sets me down. "I, uh, found you in the hallway."

"Oh." Oh fuck, yeah, I did totally just pass out in the hallway.

"I was going to take you to the infirmary, but I didn't wanna take you there then you get mad at me because everything's fine." He rubs the back of his neck. "Uh, are you fine?"

That's a loaded question. I nod. Am I, though?

"Like, uh, you weren't, you know…" Why is his face red? What is he-

"Raped? No, I'm fine." Why's he so shy about that word, anyway?

A dark thought crosses my mind. What if I hadn't flirted back? Was Peter just trying to get a rise out of me? What if I'd tried to walk away? Would he have grabbed me and just taken what he wanted anyway?

It doesn't matter now.

But it does, it really does.

I shake my head. "Why do you even care about me, anyway? You accused me of the same thing, in so many words."

"Hey, just because you fucked up doesn't mean, you know, I'd leave you to die or anything?" Was I in any danger of dying? He runs his hands through his purple curls and sighs. "And, uh, maybe what I said was a bit harsh. Sure, the situation was messy, but you weren't trying to be malicious or anything." Is he actually admitting he's wrong? Then again, he's admitted to flaws before. I'd have thought someone as confident as him would be blind to their own mistakes but I guess not.

I shake my head. "I, uh, need to shower." How is he better at admitting his flaws than I am?

"Okay."

I step into one of the shower stalls. It even has that little section where you can set your towel down, with a curtain in between so it doesn't get wet. They're just like the ones at the school's gymnasium. Why do the Dauntless Borns get the good showers?

Then again, from what I've noticed, there seems to be a lot of favoritism towards Dauntless Borns, especially when it comes to leaders. I could be generous and say that transfers have to get more used to the shocking aspects of life. After all, I'm sure they think we're coddled. But I doubt, if Eric is a leader, that the other leaders think highly of transfers.

I peel my clothes off, the sweat making them cling to my body. Is it really that hot down here? Or did I just work up a sweat?

The water is cold at first, coming out in spurts before finally settling into a lukewarm stream. There's the standard shampoo and body wash dispensers, and someone left a small bottle of lavender conditioner. Would it be weird to smell it? Probably. I open it up, and it smells nice. I'm not going to use it, though. I'm not that kind of monster.

Eh, with everything I've done, what's one more crime?

I sit down, back against the icy tiles. I've always preferred sitting in the shower, but that hasn't really been an option lately.

After a couple minutes, I see the top of Fin's purple curls pop up on the other side of the curtain. "Hey, I brought you some clothes and a towel and stuff." He opens the first curtain, and I'm surprised that I don't see more of his head over the curtain rod.

"Thanks." I mumble.

"And, uh, I just want you to know that I still care about you, you know?"

I tuck my legs up and wrap my arms around them. After all this mess? Why is everyone so forgiving of me?

Then again, I keep teetering on the line of forgiving Ash, of all people.

At least I have a reason to. He's my brother, and yeah, looking back, he's always been kind of a dick, but I've seen the good in him too. Fin's known me for less than a month. He has no reason to give a shit.

Tears well up in my eyes. He really shouldn't care. It would be easier for both of us. I pull myself even closer in. "Please don't say that."

It takes him a moment to respond. "Crimson, I'm coming in there with you."

I'd really rather him not, but before I can speak, he slides the second curtain open. He ducks under the curtain rod, and I realize that he'd definitely been ducking before, since at his full height, he can definitely see over the shower stalls. God, he's tall from this angle.

He kneels down, water soaking into his pants and spraying on his bare chest. Wait, does he dye his chest hair? The absurdity almost takes me out of my funk.

This is the sort of thing I'm going to miss about Dauntless. There's so many dumb, pointless little things that people do to make themselves happy. In Erudite, sure, we had pedicures and arcades, but at least those had measurable, studied results. Dauntless has no rhyme or reason for anything. It's chaotic and beautiful, and I won't be able to continue it.

"Crimson, I'm not going to stop caring about you." He grabs my hands in his. The water running down his neck is purple, the dye bleeding out. He rubs my knuckles with his thumbs, and God, his hands are huge.

"It would be easier if you did."

"Well, I'm not the kind of pussy who takes the easy way out, you know?" His cocky smile doesn't meet his eyes. "Look, I know you're convinced you're going to get cut. I don't think you will, but hey, I'm just the best fighter in Dauntless this year, so what does my opinion matter, huh? But okay, you're getting kicked out next week. Let's just have fun, and then if you do make it through, we can deal with all this then, okay?"

It's such a stupid proposition. We really shouldn't put off any misgivings, since they won't be addressed when I leave. Still, it's a nice sentiment, and hey, I've done stupider things.

Did Dauntless turn me into a moron, or was I always like this?

I should have just gone to Amity.

You know what, if Fin's willing to give me a grace period, I'm going to take it. I lean forward and kiss him. "Okay, we can do that."

He squeezes my hands tighter. "Good. Uh, if you need to sleep here, that's fine, but I can take you back to your dorm if you want."

I bite my lip. "Would I get in trouble?"

"I mean, you did fuck someone in a public hallway, so like, do you really care?" He stands up, his clothes completely soaked with shower water. "But nah, you should be fine."

As much as the idea appeals to me, I probably shouldn't. I don't want to get kicked out of Dauntless any earlier than necessary. I shake my head. "I should be getting back." I slowly stand up, and Fin grabs my hands to help me. "Uh, thank you. For everything."

"No problem." He grins. "And I guarantee you'll make it in." He ducks back under the curtain rod. "Once you get dressed, I'll walk you back."

I turn off the shower water and sigh. If I make it in, my life is going to be absolute hell. If I don't make it in, I may as well be dead. I've left myself no good options.

0-0-0-0-0

I'm surprised I even got to sleep at all last night. Breakfast is a blur, since I'm sitting alone with no conversation to distract me. Before I know it, it's time to train.

I look up at the board, and a laugh bubbles in my chest. The second fight of the day is me versus Peter. Who's scheduling these fights, anyway? They must know every time I have a problem with anyone.

The first fight is Edward versus Shuî. I've noticed Shuî fights better against stronger opponents. Does he respect them more? Or does he he just not want to hurt people?

"Hey, Crimson." Peter whispers, sliding up to me. "I can help you get some points in this fight, you know?"

That sounds like a trap. "What do you mean?"

"I'll pull some of my punches. Can't let an ass like that get kicked out, you know?"

Surprisingly, him saying that is easier to stomach than anything else anyone's said about me staying. It's not an abstract concept, like friendship. It's concrete. Fucking me helps him, so therefore, I should stay.

I take a deep breath. Overall, staying here is the better option, even if I have to face the consequences of my own actions. And at this point, I'll take any points I can get.

"Thank you." I whisper back.

Ultimately, Shuî loses the fight, but Edward's still not in great shape. He's able to carry Shuî out with little difficulty, but that's never surprising. Even I can carry Shuî, or at least drag him places.

And then it's time for my fight.

Peter extends his hand and makes a gesture, imploring me to attack first. If Eric was here, he'd yell at us to hurry it up, but thankfully, he's not. My technique of circling opponents has been working with moderate success, but it's rarely enough to win me any fights. Still, I leap to the side and strike his midsection.

He takes the punch, then counters with one of his own. Okay, yeah, he's definitely pulling his punches. Cool. I take a breath and go for another strike, this one towards his chest. He dodges this one, and within moments, he has me in a chokehold.

Why didn't I just stomp his feet last time? I slam my heel onto his toes, and jam my elbow into his stomach for good measure. Did the actually stop him, or did he intentionally loosen his gripp enough for him to break free?

I can't worry about that. Not right now.

I land a punch to his throat, and then I knee his gut. He doubles over, and God I could be nasty with this. I grab his hair and yank his face right into my knee. Holy fuck, that's gotta hurt. I mean, I don't feel too bad. He's still Peter, after all, even if I did fuck him.

He glares up at me, his nose bloody and crooked. Holy shit, did I just break his nose? I rarely get this far in a fight, and even when I fight weaker opponents, I don't go for such a hard blow.

"Maybe you are faking your weakness, bitch." Within moments, he yanks me down by my shirt, and my head slams back onto the mat. I'm not letting this be the end of the fight, though. I need those pointsf technique. Still, it doesn't deter him much, as he pins me down by my neck. His hold is tight, constricting my windpipe, no, crushing it. "How about I expose you for how much of a liar you really are, huh?"

And then he yanks down on my shirt, pulling the sleeve and my bra strap down my arm, and-

Ah. Expose.

My face flushes red, my blood pumping in my ears. What the fuck, what the actual fuck? My legs flail uselessly, knees desperately trying to connect with his body. I muster every last bit of energy to spit in his face, and before I can do anything, he punches me in the face, knocking me out.

0-0-0-0-0

I wake up in the infirmary, thankfully fully clothed. There's no one in the curtained off section with me, but I can hear talking just outside. I glace out of the slight gap between two curtains to figure out who it is.

"This is all my fault." Shuî. Of course. Even if I didn't recognize his voice, I'd definitely recognize the guilt.

"It's not." Fin says. "People like him are opportunistic. Crimson just happened to be convenient for him."

"I know, but maybe if we hadn't abandoned him, he wouldn't be such an easy target." Shuî sighs.

"Then Peter would have picked someone else. Or, he still would have picked him, but he'd be trying to hurt you." Fin's right. "Peter would've hurt someone at some point. From what I've heard about him, I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner, honestly."

"He tried to do it to Tris, so it's not unprecedented." Shuî pauses for a moment. "But I wasn't there to save Crimson."

"Dude, you were literally knocked out by Edward. There was nothing you could've done."

"I could have fought harder, won the fight. Then, maybe I'd win the fight, and-"

"Shuî, no offense, but you're not going to be winning against Edward anytime soon. I know you're strong and all, but I doubt you can take many hits."

Shuî makes a sound of disappointment. "Yeah, you're right."

"Besides, even I'd struggle against Edward. I know I hope myself up as the best, but like, from what I've heard, I may have found my match."

They're quiet for a moment, and then I hear an all too familiar set of boots.

"The fuck you want, Ash?" Fin asks.

Ash steps right into my view, and for a moment, his eyes meet mine, alive and wild with years of emotions compressed into seconds. "There's something we need to take care of."

Chapter 23

Ash's POV

I'm an idiot. I always have been, and I always will be.

Crimson isn't who I should be angry with. Even if he's been manipulating me this whole time, it's not his fault. He was just trying to survive, both in the endless oceans of Erudite and the raging fires of Dauntless.

I'd do worse to succeed.

No, the blame lays on our parents, our peers, the factions themselves. They crush their youth under their pressure, force them to climb the social ladder and kick down everyone below them, push down those they love for a chance at the surface.

But I don't think Crimson was trying to play those games, and I certainly don't think he's started now.

Who would let themselves be humiliated like that, stripped down in the ring by their opponent?

A part of my mind whispered that of course he would, anything for sympathy, for attention. That part keeps my feet firmly planted as everyone else runs to help. It would be the ultimate play. After all, no one would doubt his weakness ever again.

But he's not that kind of person, is he?

So often, he told me that he wished that he was as smart as me. He wanted the opportunities afforded to me, not realizing that I never wanted them in the first place. If our parents would have pushed them on him, though, he'd crack. I'm the older brother, I'm supposed to be the one who can handle the pressure, who can be scolded instead of praised.

I've been an idiot. He's just a symptom of the systemic issues that plague our factions.

And it took him getting assaulted in front of my eyes to see it.

My blood ran cold through the rest of training. The only ounce of joy I derived was beating the hell out of Drew. No one else talks to me. I catch Shuî staring a few times, but other than that, no one even looks at me.

After all, I didn't even think to help Crimson.

Just before we're dismissed for lunch, I catch Shuî staring at me again. I've always had a hard time reading him, but after the party, I have no idea what's going on in his head. He turns away when I catch him looking.

Training ends, and we all file out of the training room. None of our normal banter fills the halls. The only laughter I hear is Peter's. They didn't send him back to training after he went to the infirmary, and part of me hoped he'd gotten kicked out.

I'm not surprised he's still here, able to laugh about it, but it pisses me off.

He needs to learn his lesson.

I could take him in a fight, I think. I've lost to him a couple times in the ring, but if I got the drop on him, I could take him down easily. This isn't just my battle, though. Crimson, being the likable type, has a lot of people who'd want a piece of this.

"Hey, Will." Will's one of our oldest friends. He'll definitely want in on this.

He stops and turns to me, the rest of his friends staring. "What do you want?"

Am I still his friend? Probably not.

"We can't let Peter get away with this." I cross my arms, stiffening my back.

"And what are you planning to do about it?" Will asks, voice flat.

"Teach him a lesson in front of everyone else."

"And you want to drag me down to your level too?" He asks.

Ouch. "I figured you'd want revenge on him. Crimson's still your friend, right?"

"Don't act like you give a shit about him. We all know you're doing this for your ego." He turns and walks away before I can even get a word in.

So that's what people think of me, then. Not that I blame him.

Still, this isn't about stooping down to anyone's level. Peter hurt Crimson, and apparently, won't suffer any consequences by Dauntless's hands. Someone has to take up the duty. It's like those vintage vigilante comics, where before the factions, law enforcement was rife with corruption. The factions were supposed to eliminate that corruption, but with every passing day, I realize that it just makes it easier to sweep under the rug.

I notice Shuî heading towards the infirmary. Would he want revenge? Probably not, but I should still offer him that chance.

When I get there, he's talking to Fin. Fin has to see my side in this, right? It sounds like he knows what happened.

"The fuck you want, Ash?" Fin asks as I step forward.

I look over, and Crimson's awake, eyes full of fear and surprise and regret. "There's something we need to take care of."

Fin narrows his eyes. "Lemme guess, you wanna kick Peter's ass, but you're too much of a pussy to do it yourself."

Of course that's what he'd think. "Oh, I can kick his ass on my own plenty. I just figured you guys would want a piece of the pie."

Shuî shifts uncomfortably, his arms hugged to his chest. "Is revenge really the answer here?"

"In Dauntless? Yes." Maybe it isn't. I don't really care. "I'm surprised you're not jumping at the chance, Fin."

"I don't think Crimson would appreciate me hurting anyone else on his behalf. Don't get me wrong, Peter deserves it, but Crimson's the one who got assaulted. His wishes are more important than any of our egos." Fin says. "Trust me, I really wanna kick his ass too."

I hear rustling from Crimson's cot. He sits up, eyes alight with anger. I've never seen this anger, not even directed at me after everything I've done. He could still be lying, this all could be an elaborate act. He has everyone else wrapped around his fingers.

But he's my brother.

"Kick his ass." Crimson growls. I notice bruises on his throat. Did Peter do all that so quickly?

"You sure?" Fin asks, eyebrows raised.

"I'm sure. He's the worst. Just don't murder him, I don't want y'all to get in trouble."

With that, Fin changes his tone. He claps his hands together, and with a grin on his face, exclaims, "Well, time to kick some ass!"

"You coming too, Shuî?"

He looks up at me, his deep brown eyes curious, apprehensive. God, I could drown in those eyes. It takes a moment for him to respond. "Only to make sure you two don't go overboard."

"With fuckers like this, there's no such thing as overboard." Fin says, heading towards the door.

"That's… exactly what I'm worried about." Shuî gives me one last glance before following him.

I take a deep breath. This is it. My knuckles clench in anticipation.

It doesn't take us long to find him in the cafeteria. Fin looks as ready as ever, and even Shuî, upon seeing Peter laughing with his friends, sets his jaw and balls his fists.

As we walk towards him, the crowd parts, as if they know what's about to happen. People don't look at me, though. They cower because of Fin, murmuring about how scary he is when he's mad. I realize that I've underestimated the benefits of being on his good side.

Drew scurries away the moment he sees us. The color drains out of Molly's face as she swallows down the last bit of her food.

Peter, of course, manages to keep a straight face, no, a fucking smirk, as he turns towards us. "Hey, guys, what's up?"

I grab him by the front of his shirt and yank him up. "Don't you dare act like you're innocent." I ball up my other fist, ready to strike.

"What did I even do that you haven't?" He smirks. "I think you're just a power hungry hypocrite."

My fist connects with his jaw. Pain splinters up my fingers, but it's quickly dulled by adrenaline. He sways to the side, and Shuî lands an uppercut to the other side of his face.

Peter spits, adjusts his jaw, and rushes towards me. I dodge out of the way, and Fin lands a kick right into Peter's chest. Inwardly, I wince, knowing that a kick like that from Fin feels like a truck smashing into your body.

Why didn't I even try to stay on Fin's good side?

"Three on one, huh?" Peter groans as he sits up. He looks to the crowd that has gathered around us. "Don't you guys think that's a little unfair?" A couple people flat out boo at him, but most people just laugh. Peter scoffs. "What, you guys really think I'm the bad guy? They fucking attacked me!"

"Yeah, and you sexually assaulted my brother, so I think the crowd's right this time." I kick him before he can get up.

"We, here in Dauntless, don't believe that we should be allowed to stand idly by!" Fin lands another kick to Peter's stomach. "Instead-" another kick. "-We believe-" Yet another one. Peter coughs up blood. "-in defending those who cannot defend themselves!"

I go for another kick, but Shuî presses the back of his hand to my chest, a gentle reminder that I can't just murder the bastard. He's done the same to Fin, who's breaths come heavy.

Peter groans and pushes himself up, wiping the blood from his nose with his sleeve. "Don't act like this makes you a better person."

I'm under no delusions about the content of my character. This wasn't driven by some grand ideal of what the world should be like. He hurt my brother, and I hurt him back. Plain and simple. Was this a net good? Probably, assuming Peter's too much of a coward to try his shit again for a little bit, but I'm not going to pretend that's what was on my mind.

'I think you could be, if you tried.' Shuî once told me, on a night that feels so far away. I look into his eyes, and I know that he's still holding onto that hope.

"Not even gonna finish me off, coward?" Peter smirks.

I kick him again, right where I know it's going to hurt, and before I know it, I'm on top of him. I grab the nearest weapon off the table: a butter knife, dull when it comes to sharpness, but gleaming against the harsh light. It'll do, I suppose.

It would be so easy to end his life right now. I have his arms pinned to the ground, and his legs are useless. His lips snarl defiantly as he flails beneath me. All I have to do is plunge the knife into his eyes at just the right angle. The human brain is fragile, so fragile, melting away at the slightest pressure.

The knife is millimeters away from his eye.

My heart pumps in him chest, blood ice cold yet molten hot through my veins. My breaths shake out of me, my throat closed in protest of the thoughts racing through my mind.

I could kill someone. Right here, right now.

I wonder, now, if the rumors are true about Fin, if he felt this way. Syringe in hand, fury in his veins. Did he hesitate?

Why am I hesitating?

Despite everything, I don't want to be marked as a killer, not yet. Realistically, I know that at some point, I'm going to have to shoot someone. A life is going to end because of me.

But not today.

"Next time, this is going through your brain stem." I throw the knife to the side and stand up, letting him go.

And then I leave.

I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know if anyone's following me. Does it matter? If anyone important was following me, they'd make themselves known, because I highly doubt anyone's trying to kill me at this moment. I can almost imagine Shuî's lithe fingers around my wrist, pulling me to face him. I honestly don't know if he'd scold me or kiss me.

I don't deserve either.

I swear there's footsteps behind me, but when I turn back, I'm all alone.

I've always had a good internal compass, but now that I'm in a new place, underground and hostile, I often find myself aimless. Somehow, I end up at the infirmary doors, staring at my reflection in the glass window. The bags under my eyes are more pronounced than ever, and my olive skin has lost a few shades of intensity. I haven't been taking care of my hair properly, because how the fuck am I supposed to stay in the shower when I'm surrounded by potential threats?

Do I want Crimson to see me like this, cheeks flushed with rage, knuckles bruised and bloodied?

He already has, though, when this rage was directed at him.

I push open the door.

Crimson's sitting up in his bed, slowly eating his lunch. His bloodshot green eyes meet mine, and he swallows hard. "Did you hurt him?"

"I should have done worse." Worse than I did to Crimson, anyway.

He stares at me for an eternity. "I think we need to talk."

We do. "Not here. Are you going back to training?"

Crimson sighs and sets down his food. "I know I should, but…" he exhales loudly. "I don't even know if I want to be Dauntless anymore."

Well, that's his own damn fault for following me instead of going to a faction that he belongs in. Thankfully, I have the tact not to say that. "Meet me at the net where we jumped, whenever you're cleared to leave here."

He swallows again, though there's no food in his mouth. "Oh-okay."

0-0-0-0-0

It takes Crimson four hours, fifteen minutes, and thirty seven seconds to show up after I sat down by the net. I considered leaving multiple times, or at the very least going for a quick jog, but I didn't want to miss him. So, I just sat on the wooden ledge, feet dangling above the net, and smoked cigarettes and sipped from my flask to try and calm my nerves.

"You smoke?" God, Crimson makes it sound like something scandalous. "Dauntless has really changed you." He sits on the ledge, a notable five foot gap between us.

"I've been smoking for two years now." I don't think Dauntless has changed me. I think I'm just less scared to be who I am. "I'm surprised you never noticed."

"Well, you're apparently incredible at hiding things." He rolls his eyes, a heavy pause in the air. "How long, Ash? How long have you hated me?"

I take a drag and sigh. "Honestly? I don't know." I glance up through the hole where I came crashing down into darkness. The clouds are a deep grey. Rain? I don't have my smart watch from home, just the analogue one I bought on my first day here. It's not a proper substitute, and the subtle 'tick, tick, tick' makes my head want to explode.

"Did you ever love me?"

It takes too long for me to answer. "I don't know if I've ever loved anyone."

Our mother used to tell us that real love was an action, not a feeling. I've always felt that was a strange way of thinking, almost straight out of the Abnegation playbook. And certainly, if she truly loved me, she wouldn't have pushed me to my breaking point, while everyone around me thought she was great because she baked cookies and kissed me on the forehead.

Maybe I didn't love her enough. Maybe I wasn't a good enough child, just a disappointment. Maybe if I really loved her, I would have succeeded in the way she wanted me too.

Crimson has our mother's eyes, round and green and full of tears.

"Well, for what it's worth, I still love you. I always have, and always will." Crimson's voice wavers.

"It's okay if you don't." Because, after everything, I don't deserve it, do I? I don't deserve any of the kindness I've been shown here, Crimson's hugs or Fin's jokes or Shuî's lips crashing onto mine like the tide on the beach, eroding away at the edges of my heart.

"Yeah, but even if you don't, well, I still love you. There's nothing you could do to change that."

He's pathetic. So pathetic. Is his love for me just sentimentality? A forgone conclusion of his mother marrying my father and nothing more? Him saying that just makes this worse. He doesn't love me. He loves having a brother, or at best, a hypothetical version of me.

I'm more pathetic, though, because in the softest parts of me, I want to earn that love.

"Thank you, by the way. For hurting Peter." He says after a moment, his eyes on the sky above.

"I didn't do it for you." I used him as a justification, but Will was right. This was just for my own ego.

"Yeah, I know." Why does that hurt so bad to hear?

"I'm an idiot." I sigh, taking another drag.

A slight chuckle as Crimson finally looks back at me. "Yeah, I know." The slight smile on his lips fades. "But go on."

"It's my fault you got hurt." It's not my fault that he came here with me, but I should have been more protective of him.

"You're the one who hurt me first."

"Yeah." What else am I supposed to say to that? "I'm sorry." And it feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

He sighs again, pulling one leg close to his chest and resting his chin on his knee. "Thank you."

"And I don't hate you." Not anymore, at least. My lips press into a hard line. "I just… projected all my issues with Erudite onto you. Our parents let you off easy, and, well, it was easier to be mad at you than them."

"Let me off easy? I would have killed to get the opportunities you got! Hell, you were getting scouted for Jeanine's neuroscience program!" Of course he'd say that.

"My teacher mentioned it to me offhandedly after I did well on the final. I'd hardly call that scouting." And while I was interested, at least in theory, I was already set on Dauntless, on running away like a coward. "Besides, I left there, right? Obviously, I couldn't handle the stress, and not to be rude or anything, but if I was cracking, you'd be crumbling."

Crimson's cheeks are puffed with rage, like a child, but he slowly releases a breath. "I- yeah, you're probably right, but no one gave me a chance to try."

"Be thankful."

"I could say the same for you. Besides, I thought you thought I was faking it, huh? Letting people think I wasn't smart so that I'd be able to skate on by? Making myself look weak so people pity me?" He rolls his eyes.

"Yeah, well, even I couldn't believe you'd let yourself get hurt like that. So, I have to assume that you really are that weak." Probably not the best way to put that. "Well, I mean, that you're not actively manipulating people."

"So, you think I'm stupid then?"

I certainly don't think he's smart, at least by Erudite standards. But there's more to it. "I don't think I could believe that anyone could be as loving as you."

"That wasn't a no."

"It was not."

Silence between us, only interrupted by the 'tick, tick, tick.' I take a sip from my flask, the acrid taste burning on my tongue.

"Okay. So, you think I'm stupid. Glad we got that out of the way." He sighs.

"Intelligence isn't the only measure of character. You're much more likeable than me."

"What? You're the one with all the friends. I was just riding your coattails." He shakes his head, and he really doesn't get it, does he?

"Everyone I've been friends with has always preferred you." I can't even think of one person who-

"Shuî prefers you!"

Ah. Right. That.

The silence is deafening.

"So, uh, I guess we should address that elephant in the room, huh?" Crimson says, clearing his throat. "Uhm, I don't feel like unpacking how weird it is that my brother might be my metamour, so why don't we just toss that whole suitcase into the Pit and focus on the other shit, huh?"

"That's probably for the best." I really don't want to deal with that aspect of it.

"So, uh, Shuî is the definition of a disaster poly." Crimson starts. "Possibly the worst I've ever met.".

"Yeah."

"And, uh, I don't know how much he's made his feelings toward you known, but he likes you. Like, a lot. Even after everything."

Maybe he's a worse person than we thought.

"Yeah, I know." I don't feel like elaborating further. "I also know you ditched him."

"Wow, that makes me sound even colder." He pauses. "He was torturing himself trying to choose. I figured that I'd make it easier for him, you know? Besides, I think you two work better together. You're not… pushy with him. Like I was."

I really don't know what the hell happened between them, and frankly, I don't need to. "Maybe."

"And, I don't know, I know this sounds vain, but… as much as I adore him, he's not ready for sex, and obviously that's not all I want, but…" He trails off. "On a side note, I never thought that I'd be the first of us to lose my virginity."

I narrow my eyes. "I'm… not a virgin, though?"

His eyes widen, and an odd mix of amusement, confusion, and disgust cross his face. "What? Since when? With who? Actually, never mind, don't answer any of those."

"Wasn't planning on it." I wasn't going to tell him that it was in the alley behind the school, with some random Dauntless girl, and I definitely wasn't going to tell him that I couldn't even keep it up because I was terrified of getting caught. I know Crimson can keep a lot of secrets, but there's so many I don't even tell him.

"Cool." His bemused smile fades again. "Um, anyway. Sorry. Uh, I don't know, I kind of assumed that you'd prefer monogamy and stuff, so I didn't want to get in the way of that or anything."

I close my eyes and sigh. Frankly, yes, I'd love to keep Shuî to myself, but that's not really my decision. "You know, there's a distinct possibility he doesn't actually like either of us." It's an inevitablity I've been wrestling with subconsciously for a while now. "It could just be the novelty of having multiple people interested in him, and intentionally or not, he's leading us all on." All, because I have no fucking clue what's going on with him and Fin. "Or, if I want to be more charitable to him, he feels obligated to return all of our affections."

"Of course you'd see it that way." Crimson shakes his head.

"I'm being pragmatic."

"You're assigning potential malice where all I can see is genuine intentions."

"We've known him for three weeks. It's not hard to keep up a mask that long." I kept mine up for eighteen years.

"Ash, you're just projecting!"

"And you're just seeing what you want to see!"

Crimson huffs. "This conversation is pointless. Why did you even ask me to come out here, anyway?"

I sigh, burying my face in my hands. "To apologize. For being an asshole."

"I love you, but that's a massive understatement"

"I know! It's just-" I have to take a moment to collect my thoughts. "It's frustrating admitting that I was wrong."

Crimson's expression softens. "It's good to see it, though."

"And if you never want to talk to me again, that's fine." That would be easier for both of us. He can live his life, and I can live mine.

"Ash, I'm not giving up on you so easily." He finally, finally scoots closer. "Yeah, you hurt me. A lot. And I know things aren't going to go back to the way it was, but maybe that's for the better." He bites his lip. "And, hey, I'm probably gonna get kicked out in less than a week, so, hey, may as well forgive you while I can, right?"

"Crimson, you're not going to get kicked out." And at least in this moment, I fully believe that. "Sure, you're not fighting at Edward's level, but you fight cleverly, and you work your ass off at training. You have one of the best shooting in in the class, and if I was in charge of Dauntless, your ability to fire a gun would rank above a fistfight with someone four weight classes above you." He's weak, sure, and cowardly and naive and everything that Dauntless is not, but statistically, I'd believe he's better than twenty-five percent of the rest of the initiates.

Or maybe, despite everything, I don't want my brother to leave me.

It's stupid, it's so stupid, and this sentimentality is going to be the death of me, but despite everything, I love him. Or, at least, I desperately want to, which might be the same thing.

"Crimson." And once the floodgates are open, they won't close. "I've taken you for granted this entire time. You've been so, so, so kind to me, and part of me always knew that I didn't deserve it, so I assumed you had to be lying, because if I didn't have good intentions, no one could." Being this honest is fucking weird. Did someone slip truth serum into my flask? "I'm sorry I doubted you, and I'm sorry it took all this to see that I was wrong."

Crimson starts at me for what feels like ages. Maybe he's finally grown a spine, maybe-

He tackles me into a hug. His fingernails claw into my shirt, and he buries his face into my shoulder, tears burning my through my clothes and into my skin like lava.

And for the first time in forever, I hug him back.

I'm not the kind of person who cries. Erudite shuns emotion, and the pressure to be masculine buries them even deeper. But, as the sky opens up and pours down on us, tears finally flow down my cheeks.

The rain drowns out the ticking of my watch, so I don't know how long we stay like this. I don't deserve this, and he's a fool for offering me any kind of forgiveness. I'm pathetic too, though, because I still take what I shouldn't have.

"Here in Dauntless, bonds are forged in flames. Those who emerge will remain close for life, but not all bonds can withstand the heat." Crimson says after a while, releasing me just enough to where he can look into my eyes. "Rex told me that, once. And I think he was half right."

I barely even know who Rex is. The tattoo guy? "What do you mean?"

"I think… I think our old bond didn't make it. Things are never going to be the same as before, but-" He wipes away tears. "Maybe that's for the best. Maybe we can start over, forge a bond stronger than we've ever had."

It's such a stupid notion. I'm going to fall from whatever pedestal he places me on, or worse, he'll be the own to tear me down, down, down. But I'm stupid too, sentimental and strangely homesick, and maybe it's worth trying to be a decent brother, for once. For his sake.

For my sake.

"Yeah, maybe we can." A faint smile creeps up my face.

0-0-0-0-0

The last time we walked hand in hand was when we were ten years old. Mom used to insist we hold hands when we crossed the street, and Crimson clung to that tradition for far too long. It was embarrassing, really, to have to follow something so childish, especially when I was the shorter sibling at the time. I could feel stranger's stares, their laughter burning into my brain. I'd had enough, and I finally refused.

He's grabbed my hand since, and we leaped off the train with our fingers linked, but I haven't held his hand for any extended period of time since we were young.

And here we are, walking hand in hand towards the tattoo parlor.

Maybe it's stupid to symbolize our new bond with permanent brands before we're even sure where we stand, but we're in Dauntless, where every occasion comes with a tattoo. Rex, the tattoo artist, sighs and mutters to himself before finally accepting our (mostly Crimson's) idea.

On my right shoulder blade, I get an outline of the sun, a reminder to keep my heart open and to see the bright side. On Crimson's left shoulder blade, he gets the moon, a reminder to stay aware, to sharpen his edges and place his trust carefully. Our hands stay linked as we brand ourselves with each other's signs, imbuing ourselves with the other's strengths.

I want to be able to love Crimson in the way he's loved me.

I just hope this is enough.

0-0-0-0-0

A/N: I wrote this chapter like five fucking times, and I sti think the pacing is wack, but I'm fucking done with this. Next chapter is the long awaited Fin POV. I want to die.

Chapter 24

Chapter 24

Fin's POV

In another life, Peter would have been my friend.

It's funny, really. He's ambitious and clever, and for once, I'd have someone that truly challenged me.

Thank fucking God I took a chance on the Stiff dude.

I originally approached him because he's hot, not going to lie. When I said that all Stiffs could suck my cock, I didn't quite mean it that way, but as I watched him calmly slice his palm and drop his blood into the coals, damn, I'd let him suck my cock for real.

He's actually a cool person, though. Ever since he punched me in the face, I respect the shit out of him. Maybe I have a little too much fun teasing him, yeah, but he's starting to bite back, it's fine. Seriously though, he's one of the bravest motherfuckers I've met. He started a fight he was sure he would lose just to save his friend. Well, maybe he woulda won, that punch was really fucking strong.

Dauntless is all about challenging yourself, and boy does he challenge me. Every time he looks in my eyes, he's daring me to become better, stronger, braver to match him. He's quiet and contemplative and everything that I'm not, and man, that shit's dope.

But beyond that, though, he's been through so, so much. I can see it in his eyes, that looks of someone who has to grow up way too quick. Does he recognize that same look in me?

At least he didn't kill his father. Probably.

Maybe that's why I'm such a fucking thrillseeker. After killing the one who broke you the most, like, how are you going to top that? I've already overcome the biggest challenge I'll ever face. Now my challenges are, what, fighting a few of my friends and trying to fuck a cute twink?

During the fight with Peter, I noticed Ash's hesitation. Despite the fact that Peter deserves to fucking die, I'm glad Ash didn't go through with it. And, no, it's not because I want to kill Peter myself. I do, but I've already gotten away with one murder. I'm not pushing that luck, especially for someone like Peter.

Ash shouldn't have to worry about having red on his ledger yet. Once it starts, it's so much harder to resist those impulses.

Speaking of Ash, I haven't seen either him nor Crimson since after the fight. Are they finally dealing with their shit? Fucking good, because as much as Ash annoys me, I know Crimson still gives a fuck. And sure, yeah, Crimson was an asshole too, but I’ve been in much messier relationships. Shuî seems inclined towards forgiveness, so fuck it, I am too.

"Hey, Fin." Shuî says after dinner. "Can we talk?"

"We're talking right now." I crack a grin. "I know what you mean. What's up?"

It's certainly not him returning my feelings. Right? Nah, I know I'm sometimes bad at reading situations like this, but I can tell this isn't it.

"In private, please?"

Maybe?

We go down a few halls, somewhere I know I won't be interrupted. He walks fast, and I'm glad I don't have to slow down for him. "So, what's on your mind?"

"Teach me about sex."

I choke on whatever I was going to say. What? His face is starting to burn red already, but his eyes bore into mine.

"Well, you see, when two or more people get horny, they-"

"Okay, I know about, like, the physicality of it all." Oh, thank God, I don't have to explain what a penis is.

I narrow my eyes. "Wait. Are you coming onto me?" It's half a joke, but honestly, I wouldn't put it past a former Stuff to flirt like that.

"No!" He shakes his head before calming himself. "No, I-" He pauses for a moment, collecting the words he wants to say. Maybe I should start doing that more. "It's just, uh, relationships work very different here, and when I am ready to… do that, I want to be prepared."

God he's so much smarter than me.

Well, I guess smart's not the right word. I'm plenty intelligent. Chess? I'll fucking beat anybody. Chemistry? Fuck yeah, give me all the hexagons! I just can't focus for shit, even when I'm on my meds. And yeah, I'm on my meds. Lynn literally pinned me down and forced one into my mouth when I forgot one day last week. But nah, when I have to ration out my focus, all of it's going to fighting right now. He just seems a lot more… I don't know, precise with his focus or something. Though, he still spaces out sometimes and all that.

Anyway. It's good that he's preparing for all the emotional stuff too, not just all the fighting.

"So," I sit down against the wall, knowing that I'm in this for the long haul. "I dunno what all you know and stuff, so I guess just walk me though what ou do know.”

He sits down across from me, burying his face in his hands. "First off, even talking about it is… was a sin, so this is definitely embarrassing.”

“Yeah, well, Abnegation is the worst, so that completely tracks.”

“Alright. Well, when a man loves a woman very much, he puts his penis in her vagina, popping her hymen if it’s her hymen if it’s her first time, and if she is loving and devoted enough, his sperm can enter her womb, and they’re blessed with a child.”

Oh, wow, that’s the worst possible take on sex. “No wonder you and Tris are so frigid. Man, they make sex sound so boring. Did they teach you about, like, oral, anal, handjobs, anything like that?”

“I’m not-” He sighs. “And no, but, uh, I can surmise what all of those things mean.”

A thought pops in my head. “Did they even teach you what condoms are?”

“No, what’s that?”

It takes all my effort to not just scream. Instead, it bubbles up into laughter. “Oh, god, man y’all were fucked up.” Do I have my wallet on me? I dig through my pockets. Yeah, there it is. I pull one out and tear open the package with my teeth. “It’s like those latex gloves we used in science classes, but like, for your dick to prevent pregnancy and STDs and stuff.”

He was reaching out to touch it, but he stops. “Oh, I’m allergic to those.”

“Don’t worry, they make non-latex ones as well.” Shit, is this one latex or not? I look at the package. Good, it's not. "This one's safe."

The moment he touches it, he cringes. "It's… slimy."

"Oh, yeah, they come pre-lubed to make things easier. Though, most of the time, you still need more lube than they come with."

"Ah." He lets go of it and wipes his hand on his pants.

"Also, wait, sorry to back up so far, but did you say that the hymen, like, pops like a juice box?" I mimic the motion of a straw puncturing a juice container, making a 'pop' with my lips.

"Yeah, that's what they taught us."

"Bruh, do you know what a period is?"

"Yeah, I know about menstruation." I can see the gears turning in his cute little head. "Ah, I see. That doesn't make much sense."

"Abnegation is so fucked, dude." I sigh. "You made the right decision. Getting out, I mean."

His eyes flit to the ground. "I just hope Jiao's okay."

"Hey, if she's anything like you, she's tough as, like, nails made of steel. She's choosing Amity next year, right?"

"Yeah." He smiles a little. "Then she'll be free, and neither of us will ever have to think about Abnegation ever again." Despite his smile, he still seems sad about it. I fucking get it, I occasionally get that way thinking about my dad.

While I don't particularly like Amity, it's not like I have any particular beef with them in particular. Yeah, they're cowards, but so is basically everyone. At least Amity values self expression, and hey, an Amity girl blew me once because I helped her get stuff from the top shelf in our chemistry class. Also, their leader, Johanna Reyes, used to date my mom back when they were in Candor together, and apparently she's a fucking firecracker, so that’s cool.

“Good.” I smile after a moment. “Now, uh, about pregnancy. Yeah, that shit’s not about love, any time you cum in someone with a cunt, there’s a chance they’ll get pregnant. That’s why condoms are so important, so they catch your splooge and stuff.”

“Makes sense.”

“And trust me, you don’t wanna get anyone pregnant right now. There’s also other forms of birth control, like pills and implants and stuff that make it so that your cum doesn’t have any sperm in it, or if you never want kids, vasectomies are where it’s at.” God, I can’t wait until initiation’s over and I can get one. “Right now, I have the arm implant, wanna feel?” I hold out my arm, tapping the spot on my tricep where they inserted it.

“Oh, uh, sure.” He hesitantly reaches out, his finger recoiling jut a bit before they touch my skin. Right, Abnegation thinks touch is evil or something. His delicate fingers run over the bump in my skin. “That’s… noticeable.” God, I wish he’d touch me more. His touch is light, so light. I want those hands everywhere. But he sits back against the wall after a moment.

“Yeah, but this shit works.” I’m not going to get super into how the hormones and stuff works, because I ain’t no fuckin’ Erudite or nothing. “Basically affects your hormones so you literally don’t produce sperm.”

“Neat.”

“But yeah, uh, other stuff to teach about sex. Uh, I’m not going to get into kinks or that stuff yet, because we’d be here all night, but like, I’m guessing Abnegation taught monogamy with a partner of the opposite sex only, right?”

Shuî nods.

“And, given the fact that you’re clearly into men, and at least more than one, you’ve figured out that’s bullshit, right?”

He sighs. “Yeah, but the guilt is hard to deal with.”

“Here in Dauntless, as long as everyone is into it, you can kinda do whoever you want, barring, like, your own relatives or someone way younger than you or something.” I shrug. “I can’t even imagine feeling guilty for being horny.”

“Yeah, well, you didn’t grow up Abnegation.”

My watch starts going off. Wait, why? Oh, shit, I forgot I was supposed to help Mom with her file clean up. “Hey, uh, Shuî, sorry to cut his short and all, but I promised my Mom I’d help her move some shit.” I stand up quickly.

“Oh, do you guys need any help?” Shuî asks, standing as well. Of course he’d ask, he’s way too fucking selfless sometimes.

“Nah, I’ll be fine.” Mom’s job requires some level of privacy, and no offense to Shuî, but he’s just a random transfer. “Thanks, though. And feel free to ask if you have any other questions.”

He smiles, the burning blush finally fading from his cheeks a bit. “Yeah, I will.”

And so, I start heading back down the paths.

0-0-0-0-0

As I walk up to Mom's apartment, I see Ian skulking out the door. His hair's bright green now. Nice. It was yellow a couple days ago, and it looked fucking awful.

"Hey, you trying to weasel outta helping?" I yell with a grin.

"Nah, I just don't want to get in the way!" He smirks back. "After all, I'm too fuckin weak, aren't I?"

I probably said that to him at some point. Boy has one of the highest bench press weights for a fourteen year old, even including the dudes born with dicks. "Nah, I think you're just being lazy, booger hair."

"Insulting my hair when yours looks like that?" Fuck, yeah, the purple in my hair's already fading out. Marona tried a new brand of dye, and it sucks ass.

"Fair enough." I laugh as I approach the door. "Have a good night, man."

"Have fun moving boxes, loser." He grins as he starts down the path.

My smile fades as soon as I enter the apartment. After I dealt with Dad, I woulda thought we'd move apartments or something, but Mom insisted we stay. Something about not letting him ruin what she's built up. Yet still, even though she keeps rearranging the furniture, all I can see is Dad beating my brother.

My footsteps sound too much like his on the creaky floorboards.

I round the corner into Mom's office. "Ian ran off."

"Good, he'd complain the whole time anyway." Mom laughs, but… I don't know, it sounds off. She still uses that fucking step ladder, even after she fell off of it and twisted up her ankle real bad a couple years back. Like, I know it's the Dauntless thing to do to not give a shit about that, but still, I've been this tall for ages, and Ian might end up taller than me. There's a difference between fear and stupidity. I should know, I cross that line constantly.

"Same as usual?" I ask, knowing the answer is yes. We do this every month. The oldest files are on the top shelf, so we get them down so she can sort through them. She keeps anything that's still relevant to current cases in her filing cabinet, then the res gets taken to the archive. Then, we move each box to the shelf above it, and the cycle repeats.

"Yeah." Again, she's usually much peppier than this.

"Everything all good?" I ask as I start getting the top boxes down.

She sighs. Fuck, it's probably just a hard case or something. I shouldn't have asked. "Infinity?"

"Yeah?"

"I know you talk big about being a Dauntless leader, but is that what you actually want?"

"Of course." I don't even have to think about it. I know a lot of people think I'd be a bad leader, but honestly, I'm much better than an outsider like fucking Eric. Even Max is kind of an asshole, with more of the whole 'toughness above all else' attitude. It's like no one's read our manifesto.

She sighs again and looks me in the eyes. She's on the stepladder still, so she's at eye level with me. "If that's the path you're looking to go down, you deserve to know some things. There's… something that's looking to tear down the faction system as we know it."

"What?" Who could possibly want to get rid of all the factions?

"Infinity, be honest with me." God, her eyes are scary, always able to pull the truth out of anyone. "Have you heard of the Divergent?"