Work Text:
Autumn
Leaves fell and died, everything turned brown and drab, flowers faded away. The nights were longer and the days shorter, which was a curse for Liu Qingge.
Liu Qingge was not over Shen Qingqiu. He may not think about him or speak his name but some days the emptiness Shen Qingqiu left him with, overwhelmed him. He had been so blind, so innocent, to think his shixiong would have ever looked at him that way.
Unconditional love for someone with whom you cannot be is an everyday practice. Liu Qingge truly wished Shen Qingqiu and Luo Binghe peace and happiness, even when he didn’t like the latter. He would stand him, just for Shen Qingqiu’s happiness.
Still, those dreaded nights came. The nights when he wanted nothing but to be Luo Binghe so he could be next to Shen Qingqiu. It was an unannounced urge to indulge in the dream of being with him, even if he knew that would never happen. It was an urge of self-pity. Those nights were exhaustingly painful and winter made them even longer which did nothing more but increase the bitterness in his heart.
He wanted to be loved, he wanted to be loved by Shen Qingqiu. The selfishness persisted. Even when he knew he was happy without him, and instead of joy (Liu Qingge really tries to feel happy about his shixiong, he really does) , that inflicted pain unto him. There was no hope for him on nights like those, when all he wanted was all he didn't have. All he could do was plead for sleep. He pleaded to sleep without dreaming about him.
And he couldn’t show his pain. He couldn’t show how much he craved to be loved, to be cared after. He was way too prideful for that. So he endured the sleepless nights and the pain each time their names were pronounced, he endured his own intrusive thoughts and the emptiness he felt. He tried to focus on his disciples, on training and fighting. Everything that was not the way his heart hurt.
I know it's for the better , he convinced himself.
Winter
Winter squeezes everything to death.
Yang Yixuan felt the cold in his bones when he first started stretching his muscles before practicing sparring with his shizun like every morning. Everything was paler, so pale even his shizun’s face, carved in opal, seemed to stand out.
Yang Yixuan pretended he didn’t see the changes on his shizun these last months.
But he noticed them, even in the subtle things. Even in the way his shizun got distracted because he was not sleeping enough, each day the bags under his eyes darkened his face even more. He noticed the way Liu Qingge flinched and his face ashed when he casually mentioned Shen Qingqiu. And he knew he shouldn’t feel angry about it, he knew that he couldn’t make his shizun’s pain go away but still, his shizun never talked about it.
Like nothing was happening to him.
And Yixuan knew he shouldn’t say anything, it was not his place to wonder about his shizun’s feelings or the things he did when he was not teaching. But he cared about him in ways he couldn’t even describe with words.
Each day, when they fought, he got closer and closer to winning against his shizun. He had grown taller and if it wasn’t for his shizun’s high ponytail, he would almost reach his height.
Liu Qingge fought like he always did, there were no changes in the way his limbs moved, always punching the right places. He had an elegant young prince’s face, with his high cheekbones and sharp features. But the way he fought was deathly. He may not be the strongest when it came to physical strength, his body was slim and not that muscular but he was fast and he knew where to punch or where to slash. He was even more incredible when he fought with Cheng Luan. It took years of perseverance and discipline to fight like that, to have such a little reaction time.
But Yang Yixuan was getting better and better, he was determined to make his shizun smile proudly.
His soft smile while he waited for shizun was shattered when he saw him. Today he seemed even worse than yesterday. Even while fighting he seemed to be somewhere else, like he was on pilot mode. Yang Yixuan was both angry at him, how could he pretend he was okay? but he also understood.
Still, he wanted to take back every moment where Liu Qingge felt hurt, every moment someone had caused him even an ounce of pain. He wanted him to never feel the pain of a heartbreak again. He would take all his pain and put it on himself if that’s what it took.
But he couldn’t do that.
This time, when Liu Qingge beat him up, he decided that he needed to do something. He felt too wrong letting his shizun carry his feelings alone.
“Shizun” Yang Yixuan’s voice still came a little hoarse. He had been fighting two minutes ago so it was not really a surprise.
“Mhm?”
“Are you okay?” Yang Yixuan mumbled.
“Do you dare to question my abilities?” Sure, Yang Yixuan was getting better and better which was nice, but Liu Qingge could still easily deal with him.
“This lowly disciples dares not. I mean, about Shen-shibo...” Yang Yixuan explained, his voice got softer, afraid his shizun would be angry with him. Usually he wouldn't be afraid to speak his mind with anyone, but this was a delicate subject for his shizun.
“What about him?” Liu Qingge was a good actor, he could imagine he didn't feel anything for him for a second. He felt angry at himself, even his disciple had noticed how much Shen Qingqiu affected him. Even his disciple knew how useless he was at letting him go, at forgetting him.
“Shizun likes him.” Yang Yixuan didn't know if those were the right words. He didn't know if this was the right thing to do but he wanted to help his shizun. It was egoistical, he wanted to help him so he didn't have to see him suffer for other people.
Other people who wouldn’t love him like Yang Yixuan does.
He couldn’t stand it anymore.
“I can deal with those things myself.” His voice sounded taut, his hands clenched and Yang Yixuan thought that maybe, this hadn’t been the best way to deal with this. “You are just a disciple, what could you know?” Liu Qingge spat. He thought he could feel the way Yang Yixuan looked down at him. Even my disciple thinks I’m pathetic, hoping for things that will not happen, he thought.
Yang Yixuan was afraid that if he started talking he would vomit all the things he wanted to say.
“This lowly disciple just wanted to help” his voice came out as brittle and he felt the way tears accumulated in his eyes. The tears would fall if he looked at Liu Qingge’s hurt face, but he didn’t. He didn’t want to do it, he didn't want his shizun to deal with Yang Yixuan’s broken heart and also his own. It was not fair to him.
Even though there was so much of him that was absolutely furious at his shizun, he could never hate him.
Yang Yixuan was trying to sort out feelings for a someone who hadn’t spared him a look.
Somehow he turned away, trying not to explode the moment he got away from the training field.
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
Yang Yixuan felt like a kid again. Like a kid that had been sent to his room because “It’s an adult conversation”, but this time he knew what the conversation was about.
Liu Qingge may not have known it, he may not have noticed the way Ying Yixuan’s heart ached every time he looked at him. He didn’t notice and it’s okay, maybe it’s better that way, Yixuan thought. But the tears couldn’t stop falling when he was curled up in a ball in the darkness of his room. There was too much time to think there alone, there was too much time to wallow in his own self-pity.
He cried the way he used to cry when he was a little kid and felt like he had really experienced an injustice. He cried desperately, gasping, in a ragged attempt to catch his breath mid-sob, slack-faced with swollen eyelids, his throat feeling as if he had torn it to pieces with the magnitude of ache he was feeling.
And he couldn’t really comprehend why he was so upset, it was not the first time he had fought with his shizun.
Maybe it was because this time he wanted to help. But he did wrong and now his shizun was angry. But it was not only that.
His sobs sat in the back of his throat like a cat at a door, scratching to be let out, or maybe let in? He felt too much and he didn’t know what to do with it. He had always vented that rage and ache on his fighting, but this time he feared maybe that was not enough. He feared that one day he would snap and say everything to Liu Qingge. He feared that if he confessed all his feeling, his shizun would stare at him, like he was looking at someone delusional.
And maybe that was what Yang Yixuan was, delusional and foolish to believe that one day his shizun would look at him and not see only a disciple.
He noticed that was why he was so upset. Because Liu Qingge had said it very clearly, you are just a disciple, what could you know?
The words echoed in his mind, in his heart.
What could he know?
He only knew that since the moment he saw Liu Qingge fighting, all grace and power, he admired him. And admiration turned into almost veneration. And then into love. He didn’t know how to call it at first, his heart stung every time his shizun looked at him. He knew that a sense of pure joy would wrap his heart every time his teacher softly lifted the corner of his mouth when Yang Yixuan won against another disciple. He knew he wanted to be good for his shizun and he wanted to make him proud (and he wanted to be loved by him back.)
But he soon discovered that sometimes you love people more than they love you.
He soon discovered that Liu Qingge did not look at him that way. His shizun’s heart ached for Shen Qingqiu and there was nothing Yang Yixuan could do about it.
He wanted to be mad at Shen Qingqiu. He wanted to let that anger take over him, to avenge his shizun for what Shen Qingqiu had done to him. He wanted that anger to take root inside his mind until he couldn’t think of anything else other than just how filled with rage he was. Anger was easy. All-consuming and prejudicial, it was useless. He wanted to hate him until all that was left inside of him was rage and pain.
But he knew that he couldn’t be mad at him, as much as he wanted to be, because it was not Shen Qingqiu's fault. It never was and it never would be. He could or would never force him to love his shizun, neither did he want to do that.
And maybe seeing his shizun suffering (and being unable to do anything) was the punishment for even daring to pursue somebody so perfect, for staining his shizun’s name with his love and lust, for continuing to spend time with him, for continuing to keep it all a big secret.
Because Liu Qingge had no idea, none at all, of the vast sea of feelings Yang Yixuan held in his heart.
Feelings Yang Yixuan didn’t know what to do with. The love he held for Liu Qingge had become a part of him. It ran too deep in his heart. He knew very well that he was meant to let go of it, to send it off into the night, to forget it but for the life of him, he was just not sure how to.
He was not sure that he wanted to do that, either. But the thought that he might have to live with the constant, dull ache of his shizun never looking his way scared him.
He was just another disciple. That was all he would ever be in Liu Qingge’s heart.
That night he stayed awake in his bed, the wind whirling outside like it was singing him a heartbreak song. He thought all night about how much he craved the feel of his body curved around his shizun, protecting him on cold nights like these.
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
Liu Qingge lunged forward, quickly sprinting towards his disciple and coming closer, then jabbing Cheng Luan out with a deadly force. Yang Yixuan’s reflexes kicked in and he ducked forward, trying to cleave his legs. Liu Qingge noticed this at the last second and only got away with a small, bleeding slice. He sprinted towards his disciple again, but his time Yang Yixuan just raised his sword and the two blades clanged together, creating a rumbling echo. The weight of Yang Yixuan’s sword was dragging him down, but he soon recovered and pushed his shizun back hard, using all his force. His shizun’s beauty shone like a flame, vital and bright, drawing Yang Yixuan’s eyes against his will, distracting him. This gave Liu Qingge the time to jump back and dash forward with Cheng Luan straight out infront of his disciple. Yang Yixuan didn’t retreat and attempted to stab his arm. But Liu Qingge tucked his shoulders and he could have impaled Yang Yixuan’s stomach, but his sword slowed down since they were only practising.
“I could have killed you. Why aren’t you paying attention?” Liu Qingge sneered.
“I’m sorry shizun, this lowly disciple got distracted.” He didn’t have time to say more since Liu Qingge was just about to continue their fight.
He used the hilt of his long sword to smash Yang Yixuan’s shoulder with brute force, numbing his arm for a moment. His disciple jumped away, trying to put distance between them, but to no avail. His shizun’s hand grasped his ankle and threw him across the training fields, making him land on all fours.
“You keep getting distracted, what’s wrong with you?” Liu Qingge wasn’t really angry, just a little disappointed that even when he was not sleeping well and not in his best form, he could still defeat Yang Yixuan so easily, almost going back all the progress he had seen the last time they fought.
“This disciple didn’t sleep very well, I’m sorry shizun.” His voice sounded croaky, out of air. It was true that he hadn’t sleep well but the cause of his distraction was his shizun’s face. But Yang Yixuan was good at pretending nothing happened. He was good at covering up the awkwardness with his incessant talking, filling the hard silence between him and his shizun. He was good at smiling at him carelessly, like Liu Qingge’s words that day weren’t stabbing him each time he looked at him.
He had really tried to subside the fever that was loving his shizun, but it didn’t seem to have a cure. Since that conversation with his shizun a few weeks ago, he had really tried to put all his energy into his cultivation, forgetting about his heart's desire. But it seemed like his heart had other plans, since every time he looked at Liu Qingge, he felt like he could explode.
Was this how Luo Binghe felt like while being in love with his shizun? Yang Yixuan thought.
“Go, wash your face and come back to keep training” Liu Qingge was not going to let him go just because he didn’t sleep well, after all he hadn’t either.
And that was how their routine went, training and training. All the times being a little closer to beating his Shizun, but never quite accomplishing it. Time passed faster when they fought or when he had lectures, that usually happened once in a while, just enough not to be illiterate, even if those were boring and left him sluggish.
Mornings of weary exercises, afternoons filled with the clashing of swords and nights dreaming about his shizun under the silver moon. He dreamed of trailing caresses, the flicker of firelight on a neck, the curve of a hip bone, soothing strong hands. He knew those hands, the calloused palm, the long fingers that curve around the hilt of a sword. A warrior’s hands. His shizun’s hands.
But there was also long sleepless nights, staring at that moon until he could see the softly yellow curve against the dark on his eyelids. He yearned desperately for recognition, for something more.
And each time Liu Qingge talked to him, Yang Yixuan wanted to say “I would do anything you want me to. I would do anything for you. I would do anything even if you don’t love me like I do, even if I’m not him, I will do anything.”
But the only thing that came out of his mouth is “Yes, shizun”
Spring
Days slipped by, turning into weeks and months. The mountain air was still cold in the mornings when he woke up, only warmed reluctantly in the thin sunlight that filtered through the clouds in the sky.
Shen Qingqiu kept coming in dreams to terrorize him during the night, but it was a different kind of terror he faced now as he stared up into the ceiling, a restless, unshakeable kind of terror that had him fighting the desire to topple his furniture and tear his robes just so he could do something with the boundless energy he felt right into his fingertips.
What he knew about loving someone he knew from him - what it meant to yearn, to adore, to be both selfish and selfless. But he felt that he was not really healing, just attempting to put a bandage over the issue. Eventually, that bandage will come off.
Slowly, he started to replace the future scenarios he used to have with him on his head.
He started to dream of a future that didn’t involve him as more than a friend. It hurts, after all, he was rooted into every aspect of who Liu Qingge was.
But also he knew that one morning this sadness will fossilize and he will forget how loving Shen Qingqiu felt.
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
To help his disciple gain experience, Liu Qingge brought Yang Yixuan and took off to Shuang Hu City where a creature had been terrorizing the villagers for weeks, which ended up in a desperate call for help to Cang Qiong Mountain.
It could also be considered a distraction, both for Yang Yixuan and also for Liu Qingge.
The creatures they were facing now had long wide teeth, rotten skin and a long spiky tails.
But all the techniques Yang Yixuan had learned required more than brute force and lots of practice to be able to fluidly apply under pressure. He didn’t lack ability but the moment he saw them, he attacked without planning, letting Liu Qingge behind him.
He destroyed a few of them on his first attack, but in no time these beasts were too much for him.
One of them used his long tail to cut against Yang Yixuan. He dodged to the side, throwing a crooked cut at the creature that instead of retreating, fought back slashing with his tail against his arm. It only caused a shallow scratch but Yang Yixuan stared at at while his blood dripped down. But the beast already had his tail pulled back, and was swinging it forwards, aiming for Yang Yixuan’s gut, who had no time to draw his blade. Instead, he closed his eyes, bracing for what was to come.
The next thing Yang Yixuan knew, he heard the sound of wet meat being stabbed. But he felt no pain. That’s when he heard one of the worst sounds he’d heard in his whole life. Yang Yixuan slowly opened his eyes, and before him was Liu Qingge. His face wide in pain and anguish but he kept fighting. In no more than some minutes, his shizun had already slashed them all, leaving a mess of dead beasts and their dark blood pooling around them.
He stared in horror at the wide stain of blood on his shizun’s stomach.
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
One gut-wrenching sword ride later, Yang Yixuan had taken his shizun into his room. He could only retrieve basic supplies to clean and bandage the wound. Unfortunately, Mu Qingfang was not in the sect as he went on mission outside of the sect and he also brought along his complete set of surgical instruments and hundreds of bottles and jars of medicine.
So Yang Yixuan’s only option was to heal his shizun himself.
Well, he could have actually asked for other people's help, but since his shizun had saved him when he was dumbly staring into his little wound and that caused the deep stab on his stomach, he felt he should take responsibility. For his dumb actions, for not thinking in advance before fighting, for being unable to protect his shizun.
The cut didn’t pass through his body but it was pretty deep, blood still gushing from the wound staining all his robes red, filling the air with its festering scent.
“I’m sorry Shizun.” When Liu Qingge saw him, his expression suddenly softened and he couldn’t help but be a little dazed. “I should have paid more attention, I’m sorry.” His voice was brittle as if he were just on the verge of tears. “This disciple will take responsibility for his shizun’s health.”
“Does this disciple think I can’t stand a simple cut?” Liu Qingge had fought worse fights in the past, like the ones where he was trying to recover Shen Qingqiu’s body from Luo Binghe’s demonic hands, but it seemed like the tails of these creatures had venom or some strange properties at least, so he was drained of his spiritual powers. “I just need to sleep.”
“This disciple knows his shizun is very strong but it was a deep cut.” Yang Yixuan with his warm brown eyes was making an expression, almost like a puppy Liu Qingge thought, that was very hard to say no to. “At least let me wash it, please Shizun.”
Liu Qingge didn’t say the yes but Yang Yixuan noticed he was giving him permission.
“You’ll be alright Shizun,” he said with his kind brown eyes as large as saucers. His hands shook with adrenaline as he worked to untie his shizun’s robes, just enough to see the cut. Yang Yixuan cursed internally at the multitude of layers he had to remove before getting into Liu Qingge’s under garment. Blood soaked each layer he was wearing and saturated the thin blanket on the bed beneath him. Yang Yixuan shushed him as his shizun let out a pained gasp when he started to remove the part of his clothings that was soaked with his blood.
Yang Yixuan stared in horror at his blood-slicked fingers but he finally got to see the wound. Liu Qingge’s eyes were squeezed shut, and he cried out as the movement jostled the wound. It had clean-cut edges and, fortunately for Yang Yixuan, it had stopped bleeding.
Yang Yixuan looked at his shizun’s face; his dark long hair, damp with sweat, clung to his forehead and he had the sudden urge to sweep it back. The strong warrior he had seen fight fearlessly suddenly looked incredibly young.
It was kind of silly, wanting to protect such a powerful man who was also older and his teacher, but that was what Yang Yixuan wanted to do. Take care of him, at least for a while, like his shizun had done all the times he had been sick.
His eyes took a moment to roam Liu Qingge’s bare skin and the way it was littered with scars that each told a story. The man before him was not a stranger to pain. But now that the wound has stopped bleeding and the fear he had was gone, he suddenly felt really hot, his hands roaming around his shizun’s abdomen. Using a mild flow of energy, he focused on circulating it to help the wound heal.
Ok, now focus on cleaning the wound, don’t think about that now. From the things I’ve seen Mu Qingfang do with his ointments, I have to first clean the wound, keep it clean so it doesn’t get infected. What if the tail of that thing had venom? What am I going to do? God, why is shizun so hot I can’t think about anything.
“You’re really silent,” Liu Qingge observed, and it was true, Yang Yixuan loved talking and ranting, even more if he was nervous, but it seemed like he was not doing that now. He actually didn’t like that at first, but over time it was almost an everyday thing, the constant talking of his disciple. Things had been distant between them since he had asked about him and Shen Qingqiu but not even then had he stopped talking like now.
“I’m concentrating on cleaning the wound, Shizun.”
Seeing no point in being defiant, Liu Qingge hummed. Even when he beat him up every day, even when he made the angriest face to make him scared, Yang Yixuan stayed. Not only that, but he was also worried about him. Worried. Usually his disciples were not worried about him, they feared him or respected him. But worry? That was new, having Yang Yixuan worried about the Bai Zhan Peak Lord who could literally kill him if he wanted. It wasn’t bad, after all he was his shizun, but it left him feeling uneasy, a bitter taste in his mouth.
He didn't know why he was feeling nervous; he shouldn’t be, given that this was his normal environment, just a disciple taking care of his shizun. There was absolutely nothing to be afraid of, and Yang Yixuan healing his wounds shouldn’t be as unnerving as it was. Mu Qingfang has healed me a thousand times, but this...
Yang Yixuan picked up a rag, wetting it with some water. Then, he brought it up to his shizun’s wound, beginning to wipe away the dried blood. He was gentle with his hands, making sure that he didn’t bring his shizun any sort of discomfort. Once he got rid of the majority of the blood, he used the bandages he used for himself whenever he fought with his shizun hard enough to draw blood.
Liu Qingge skin was really soft to the touch, even with his scars. Yang Yixuan tried not to linger for too long on that thought in case his shizun saw the way his ears were getting red. Beginning to wrap the bandages around the wound, he saw Liu Qingge silently observing him, a stoic expression present on his face. Yang Yixuan laughed nervously, avoiding his hard stare.
“If you can spare me, Shizun, this disciple would like to stay and help you further. I can cook something Shizun, you haven’t eaten,” Yang Yixuan said timidly, bandages in his hand. His ears were still red, half from nervousness and half because he still could feel the warmth of his shizun’s skin on his hands, it was way too much for his heart. Time had passed quickly, it was almost night and they hadn’t eaten anything all day.
“I’m not hungry. You should sleep.”
“I’ll sleep here.” Yang Yixuan looked at one of the chairs in his shizun's room. It wasn’t really big or elegant but it was enough, and the chair didn’t seem to be too uncomfortable. Even if it was, Yang Yixuan wanted to stay. His shizun had bore the pain of a wound to protect him, he could bare to not sleep in a bed for a day.
“Does this disciple think I can’t take care of myself?” He made the scariest face he could, the kind that says “What are you implying? Scram!” but Yang Yixuan didn’t seem to care.
“No, no! But…” Yan Yixuan wasn’t sure how to say it, “let me take care of you, Shizun,” he finally said, mentally cursing himself for stumbling on his words.
Seeing how nervous his disciple was, he suddenly felt something warm in his heart. It was kind of cute, like a little puppy taking care of the leader of the pack.
He wasn’t really accustomed to other people taking care of him, even when he had been badly hurt he made Mu Qingfang bandage the wounds and then scram. He didn’t want people to see him hurt, it made himself feel vulnerable and he hated that with all his heart. Since it didn’t seem like he would leave, Liu Qingge accepted, more like bore with the intrusion.
Since his shizun let him stay, Yang Yixuan took a seat beside him. Liu Qingge had repositioned himself on his back, his body sinking tiredly into the cot.
Now that he had time to think, Yang Yixuan couldn’t help but feel the ache in his heart. He had been saved by the man he loved but not because his feelings were reciprocated. It was good, it was nice and he couldn’t say he was sad, he would be happy with anything Liu Qingge gave him, but there was a tingling pain in his heart.
While he was healing him, Yang Yixuan had seen all the little and big scars his shizun had. He wanted to kiss them all. He wanted to kiss his face, all the angles and sharp features, the high bridge of his nose, the little mole on his face, his chin and his cheeks and finally his lips. But most of all his scars, he knew kisses couldn’t heal them but that wouldn’t stop him from wanting to try. But the soft feelings he had about his shizun also made him want to cry.
His shizun had always been on his side, even if it was to reprimand him or to help him be better, even if it was to scream about how bad his arm posture was, or to beat him up while fighting. He didn’t remember what he was before him, before the long days of the training field under the sun or the feeling of sweat glistening on his skin like dewdrops after rain.
He doubted he knew what love was before his shizun appeared in his life. But he knew he didn’t feel any emotion in moderation, and that applied to love too. He felt that something was not right about what he was doing but he was still doing it, falling harder and harder for his shizun every second.
But at this moment he felt lonely. Unrequited love felt lonely. There was no one who could sort his feelings for his shizun but him. He felt lonely because he had no one he could tell about his shizun, about his dreams or his hopes. He had watched the other disciples sending love letters to girls they liked but he couldn't do that. He couldn’t ruin the relationship he had with Liu Qingge with his feelings. What was he, a monster? The enormity of his desire disgusted him.
But in that whirlpool of emotions he also felt anger. He was furious at himself. How dare he hurt his shizun? How dare he wish for more? Wasn’t his shizun already suffering the consequences of his actions enough for him? Wasn’t he too greedy? Wasn’t he envious of Shen Qingqiu, of the fact he had everything he wanted but didn't even notice?
He didn’t want to wake up his shizun who seemed to have fallen asleep so he spoke softly, like a confession only he would know of: “You shouldn’t have done that today, Shizun. Sometimes I wish I was him, so you would save me because you love me, not because I’m just a disciple.” A sudden sad feeling filled his body, and he finally sighed, “I can’t be him but I love you Shizun. I’m sorry.”
He didn’t know why he said those words out loud, even if they were softly spoken. Maybe he was hoping to be heard, maybe he was hoping to get them off of his chest, maybe he was expecting a response that would never come...
Too many feelings had drained him, his head was spinning and he finally felt the exhaustion of all the things he had done today. His hands that had been trembling all day finally stopped, he found a comfortable position on the chair he was in and slowly he closed his eyes.
Maybe tomorrow he would feel better. He has to, he said to himself, because he must take care of his shizun.
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
Liu Qingge knew he had a blunt personality, usually appearing stern, cold or hostile. And he wasn’t mad with that impression. After all it was true, he was not a sweet or fun person, and he didn’t want to be either. But Yang Yixuan had always been different. Even when Liu Qingge seemed to be hard to approach, he still wanted to be his disciple. Liu Qingge had never thought too much about it, but he understood it now. He treated his disciples with an iron fist and he was not generally known for his kindness or for his understanding. But Yang Yixuan didn’t seem to mind.
It’s because he likes me.
He couldn’t sleep that night, not with someone in his room, and not knowing that he did not have any spiritual powers, so he stayed awake, his eyes closed and trying to rest. He had heard it all, even the way Yang Yixuan sighed like a maid in love, even the way his voice shattered when he said I wish I was him, he heard it all.
He wanted to punch himself. Liu Qingge wanted to punch himself and his stupid mouth. Now he understood why Yang Yixuan had been so down when they had fought that day, why he was so nervous, why he started keeping two feet of space between him and Liu Qingge after that.
And the realisation took him a long time to digest. It was not that he disliked him, not all at. Yang Yixuan had talent. He was a cute boy, overflowing with eager discipline and a sharp smile that accompanied a lively personality, but he could also be quite naive. That was one reason why Liu Qingge would have never suspected Yang Yixuan could hold those feeling for him.
Could it be that he was dreaming? or maybe the poison in the wound had made him hallucinate?
Sometimes I wish I was him, so you would save me because you love me, not because I’m just a disciple.
Liu Qingge understood the feeling, wanting to be someone else so he would be loved. But why ? Why would Yang Yixuan, who was nice and young, like someone like him? What did he have? Fighting techniques? A big sword? An angry face? He really couldn’t see the appeal. He wanted to yell at him, tell him to search for someone else, for someone who was not heartbroken or someone who didn't beat him up.
How had he taught such a dumb disciple who couldn’t aspire to love someone better? He wanted to strangle Yang Yixuan, punch him until he regained common sense. But before that, his wound had to heal, and unfortunately for him the one taking care of him was Yang Yixuan.
The thought of Yang Yixuan pining after him, seeing him as human, as Liu Qingge and not as his strict aloof teacher, not as the undefeated war god of Cang Qiong Mountain, filled him with such violent conflicting emotions that he wanted nothing more than to get away as far as he could from him, go and slay some monsters to calm down or maybe wake up from this nightmare. He needed to do something, anything other than resting there torturing himself with feelings he didn’t understand.
Morning came too soon, the days were slowly getting longer and the weather it’s getting nicer, too warm to dress in too many layers. Warm yellow rays wafted through a window, dust modes floating, suspended in the air.
Now however, his eyes were drawn to the resting man next to his bed. He could see Yang Yixuan sleeping, hear his soft snoring, the deep breathing and his small mumbles. The braids he usually had on his head were now loose, dark strands of hair fell across his face. His slender limbs had turned into firm muscles, his chest rising and falling beneath his skin as he breathed. His face too was firmer, and his shoulder got broader each day. Liu Qingge could feel how he got stronger, but looking at him now was different.
He still remembered their first fights, his normal long sword had changed into one better suited for cultivation. His skin once pale as porcelain was now softly tanned skin from the long days on the training field. The once soft curve of his neck was now adorned with a soft bulb. He was not the same kid that Liu Qingge had taken as a disciple years ago, he now looked like a man.
Liu Qingge’s gaze drifted lower, along the bridge of Yang Yixuan’s nose and down to his mouth. He still had some soft features too, his rosy curved lips, his long curved lashes and the smooth contour of his face. His nonstop talking had been replaced by the calm expression he had now, softening his features even more. He really was good looking. And Liu Qingge? His personality was unlikable, his appearance average.
Liu Qingge found himself sitting on the bed with a tightness in his chest.
Yang Yixuan seemed to be dreaming something nice, he had a soft smile on his lips. It crawled onto Liu Qingge’s serious face ever so slightly.
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
His wound was still throbbing, the stitches tugging at his skin if he moved too quickly. His spiritual energy had come back not too long ago after Mu Qingfang finally came back and treated him days later. He told him about how the wound would have been infected if it wasn’t for Yang Yixuan, which only made Liu Qingge’s heartache worsen.
This time when they fought again, Liu Qingge’s eyes turned anywhere else to avoid meeting Yang Yixuan's gaze directly.
But now that he knew his disciple's feelings for him he couldn’t help but notice the sighs, the way he looked at him or the look of worry on his face when Liu Qingge's body contorted because the wound still hurt a little. (Mu Qingfang had told him about the consequences of fighting with an open wound; he didn’t listen.)
Liu Qingge could see the muscles working in Yang Yixuan’s arms, see the way tendons tightened along the forearms from his hands, the way the fabric clung to his biceps. I didn’t want to look at his eyes but I didnt want to look at his body either, he thought. He was breathing hard, although he was nowhere near out of breath yet.
Every time he noticed Yang Yixuan looking at him, it hurt, because in those very moments, he felt vulnerable and he despised it.
Yes, he dreamed of being loved, of having someone on his side, but those were just dreams. Dreams that seemed unattainable at this point in his life.
He was angry because Yang Yixuan could choose someone much prettier, nicer, better…
Just like Shen Qingqiu did.
“Shizun.” Yang Yixuan’s voice took him out of his trance. “Are you ok?"
Neither of them were wearing too many layers considering the increasingly warm weather, so he noticed when Yang Yixuan stole a glimpse at the smooth skin of his collarbones as his robe slid casually off. Shameless, Liu Qingge thought. Was this the torture Shen-shixiong had to face when dealing with Luo Binghe?
“What are you implying?” His eyes were narrowed, coldly piercing through Yang Yixuan.
“I think Shizun is amazing at fighting but his wound is still open.”
“Do you dare-"
“Yes,” Yang Yixuan interrupted him flatly. He hadn't only gotten older but it also seemed he had gotten bolder.
“You-!” Liu Qingge barked out, and they fell into a familiar rhythm of battle.
Liu Qingge grabbed his arm and threw him to the ground. As he rolled over onto his stomach, he reached for the sword that had flown away from the hit. But Liu Qingge grabbed one of his legs and pulled him just when Yang Yixuan’s fingers grazed the hilt of the sword.
He didn’t seem to be resisting, he probably didn’t want to kick his wounded shizun. Liu Qingge let go of him for a split second. Just enough time for him to grab the sword and move into a kneeling position while swinging the sword toward him, not really attempting to hurt his shizun but to put distance between them. But Liu Qingge was faster, grabbing his wrist and twisting it, disarming him. His sword fell to the ground with a clank.
Yang Yixuan tried to stand, but Liu Qingge pushed him backward, slamming him hard into the ground of the training field. Rage filled his eyes. Yang Yixuan released all the air in his lungs quickly and painfully. He was disarmed and didn’t want to punch his shizun in the chest with his legs, and both of his wrists were trapped in one of his shizun’s hand above his head. "Does this disciple dare to repeat what he said before?"
“Shizun should stop fighting…” Even if it cost him a bloody nose, a few broken ribs or a entire week in bed, he wanted his shizun to be ok. But at this moment Liu Qingge was leaning on his stomach, his legs were on either side of Yang Yixuan. He was afraid that Liu Qingge might notice his current fear was not only due to their fight, but also due to concern for his shizun. If Shizun noticed, he would definitely pull his hand back - or even worse.“...and take care of himself.”
“Or what?” Liu Qingge’s voice was a mix of rage and indignation.
“Or this disciple will take care of him.”
Liu Qingge’s breath hitched with the response, but he was a master at hiding it. He also hid the blush that crawled towards his cheeks before Yang Yixuan could see it, before it could betray him. For a brief moment, he wondered how could anyone who looked so handsome could be interested in him. It was almost criminal how a person, no longer a boy yet barely a man, could bear to look so intensely at him.
“Scram!” Fast enough for Yang Yixuan to see, Liu Qingge drew the fist that was not holding his disciple’s hands and went to punch him. He caught his hand before it connected and using his greater weight to try and flip them over, but Liu Qingge shook him off and dove over his head. Both stood quickly, and Yang Yixuan blocked a succession of punches, never returning the punches and just ducking his shizun’s fist.
But even if he felt offended at the implication that he couldn't take care of himself, the wound was still not closed and Liu Qingge had to stop shortly after. “Scram I said!” Liu Qingge roared again.
Yang Yixuan wanted to go and help him, to carry him to his room to rest but it would only make things worse. If he was stronger he would do that, but he would probably be reduced to a bloody pulp if he tried it now.
Meanwhile，Liu Qingge was between the pain of his body and the pain of his heart. Even when he had thrown him onto the floor, even when he had yelled at him to scram, Yang Yixuan had never looked at him with an angry face. Even worse, when he saw his eyes under him, it was a mix of surprise and -- Liu Qingge ignored the latter emotion, he couldn’t even say it.
He had spent hours obsessing about how he was never good enough. Hours lost, standing on the mirror or lying on his bed wondering if Shen Qingqiu would love him if he was prettier or if he changed his personality. Thinking again and again what was wrong with him, if he was too bold, too cold, too needy or not needy enough.
He had wondered if his disciples would ever stick around him if they weren’t his disciples. But now that someone seemed interested in him, he couldn’t begin to understand why. Why's he interested in you at all? he asked himself.
And he didn’t have an answer.
Not only did he not have an answer but he also didn't understand how Yang Yixuan fell so low. He really didn’t get it. So he had decided to show Yang Yixuan how bad he was, to show him the reasons why Shen Qingqiu would never love him. He wanted to make Yang Yixuan hate him, despise him. Or at least to make him fear Liu Qingge, like everyone else did. He wanted to make him go away, to make him find someone else that was not him.
So that’s what he did. Striking faster and harder, making Yang Yixuan lose his breath everytime they fought, ignoring his questions, looking away when he said something.
But it hurt every time he saw that his disciple still hadn’t lost hope.
In those days, when he saw the look of sadness Yang Yixuan had when Liu Qingge looked away, he wondered why he felt so empty.
He had been cold with people all his life, but why did it hurt being cold with Yang Yixuan? He was just a disciple wasn't he? But when he started wondering what those feelings could mean, he felt that he was not ready to admit it.
He was not ready to admit that now he knew what Yang Yixuan felt for him, he had looked at him in detail.
Of course, when he was not looking.
Liu Qingge had noticed the way a fragile and fearful happiness accumulated in his chest when he saw Yang Yixuan smile. And he didn’t want to think about the reason, because he was not ready to admit it.
He felt gross thinking about his disciple. Thinking about his smile when he just slightly punches him or the little freckles that appeared on his nose when he has been training too much time on the sun. He felt weird because he didn’t hate that feeling but he also felt that neither does he deserve it. He was his master, his teacher, his shizun not… something more.
And when he found himself not thinking about Shen Qingqiu but Yang Yixuan at night before sleeping, he knew that he had fallen.
And he hated it, he hated the way that made him feel. He hated the way he shouts harder at Yang Yixuan and he hated the way he ignored him even more because if he looked at those eyes again he might just fall on his knees and say “Maybe this shizun has feelings” and he surely didn’t want that. Never. Not in a million years.
And he hid behind his cold and composed face, he hid behind the sharp pain of the punches he gave and the edge of his sword. He hid behind the yelling profanities, behind his eyes full of rage. He hid because he was a coward and not enough for Yang Yixuan or Shen Qingqiu or anyone, ever.
He wanted and wanted and wanted but did he deserve? He should be teaching Yang Yixuan, not thirsting over him. He had no right to feel this way. He knew this much.
He knew that what he felt was not weakness. He knew that Yang Yixuan was into him and he would probably be very happy if Liu Qingge admitted he was into him too but it was not like his brain was very logical.
Every time he had to be cold with him, the words would get caught in my chest, his joints would lock, and his heart pounded so hard that it physically hurt, but he still did it.
And eventually, he could see Yang Yixuan’s laughter become quieter. His smiles smaller. His existence smoldering.
And it hurt but maybe it was better that way. Maybe that would taught Yang Yixuan that he deserved better than his shizun. Maybe that would taught Liu Qingge that he was never good enough for anything that was not fighting. Because that what he does, destroy things.
And he didn’t know that Yang Yixuan wanted to say “Look away but I’m still there. Hate me but I’m still here.”
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
Even when Liu Qingge’s punches became rougher, even when his yelling became louder, Yang Yixuan was still there. Looking at him, pining after him, loving him on silence. And maybe he will never get a chance to show him his love, maybe it was better that way.
But he couldn’t deny that his heart hurt. He had been so close to his shizun that way. What would have happened if their lips had touched? What would have happened if his shizun had just touched lower? Would he had been grossed out? Would he look at him in disgust?
Would his shizun understand why he cared so much if Yang Yixuan told him he loved him?
Would he understand why was he was so worried about his well being?
And it was kinda egoistic, worrying about him just because he loved him, but that was the way it was.
He would accept all his shizun would give him if that meant he would take care of himself. He would go away from the sect if that’s what the price of his shizun being alright was.
But his mind was still in shambles. He still didn’t know how he had done so much damage on his shizun, did he think Yang Yixuan thought he was not enough? If that was the problem, Yan Yixuan could spent all the time it required to explain every single thing he liked about him. Every single thing.
Or maybe.. his shizun knew the way he felt and that was why he had reacted that way. But why didn’t he say anything? Why didn’t he destroy him right there if he didn’t like what Yang Yixuan felt about him? He couldn’t comprehend his shizun’s thinking.
He wanted to ask, why? What had he done so wrong? But he couldn’t make things worse for his shizun.
What if he had done something and he had made him remember what happened with Shen Qingqiu?
He hated himself for hurting his shizun with whatever thing he had done.
Summer
Hot winds blew softly in the fields, fragile flowers swayed on a quiet melody. Two people were roughly fighting on the training fields.
After so many years of fighting with his shizun, Yang Yixuan had developed a very refined danger sense, he could notice the way his shizun swung his blade quickly enough to dodge.
He had studied the way his shizun fighted, absolutely devastating at close-range, tending to try and take out opponents with a single powerful blow. He was flexible enough that he could twist and flip a lot in midair and even if he had seen his shizun fight so many times, Yang Yixuan was always impressed as the first time.
His thoughts were interrupted when he received a kick with just enough spiritual power to send him flying backwards, and then skidding for several feet more. Leaving his dark clothes stained with the dirt from the training field and a bleeding nose.
He thought he could hear his shizun’s footsteps coming towards him, but honestly, his head was spinning and his ears felt like they’ve never known a sound besides his heartbeat. His body ached from his impact with the ground. Dizzy, he started to push himself up to his feet. He tried to adjust his robes and brush off the dirt but he didn’t get far before there were hands on the front of his robes, dragging him up.
“Yixuan” Liu Qingge spat out, the other flinching at the way his shizun said his own name, such disgust and hatred. “What’s the problem?”
“Why do you hate me shizun?” Yang Yixuan could hardly breathe. “What did I do wrong?” tears seemed that they could fall any time. The look on his face matched the tone of his words. Mainly confusion, but hurt too. He could almost felt tears coming to his eyes as he stepped forward, reaching out for his shizun.
“Nonsense. I don’t hate you” Liu Qingge turned around, he couldn’t see the pained expression on his disciple’s face. He had already decided to keep all of his feelings inside, make Yang Yixuan hate him and then one day, when he feels to much he he will qi deviate and die. He seemed to be in a cycle of eternal pining and yearning for the incorrect people, first his shixiong and now his own disciple, how immoral!
“Then, shizun, why do you ignore me? You don’t even look at me anymore! Is this disciple really that awful?” Yang Yixuan yelled.
Liu Qingge turned around grabbed him by the collar, his eyes squinted, narrowing his lips so much that it looks like he was biting them “Shut up”
“Then why? Just tell me and I’ll go away if that’s what shizun wants” Yang Yixuan risked a glance. The ponytails he usually had was now all messy, his shizun’s dark hair stuck to his skin as it ran down his face, into his eyes.
“I do not want you to be him.” His voice was like a throaty growl, full of frustration.
“Shizun… did you…” Yang Yixuan eyes went wide, completely dumbfound, he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. All the last months since he confessed passed through his eyes, he could finally comprehend why his shizun’s reactions towards him had changed so much.
“You can love whoever. Why me?” Liu Qingge seemed to have relaxed a little, his anger had turned into frustration. His eyes could no longer look at his disciple, he had just admitted to have heard his confession, how could he look at him now?
“This disciple loves shizun, and only shizun. Even if I wanted to love someone else… shizun is always on my heart.” He didn’t even know how he had just spat so sweet words, they seemed to have directly come from his heart, not even passing through his brain before.
Liu Qingge stared at him for a long moment, eyes wide and dark as he searched Yang Yixuan face for… something. Evidence he was lying, maybe? “Shut up.” Liu Qingge couldn’t contain the blush that crawled into his cheeks, even if he wanted to be angry he couldn’t be. He still held Yang Yixuan close, maybe too close so he would see the way his hands were almost shaking.
“If my confession made shizun feel uncomfortable, this disciple apologizes. I will go away if I can make shizun happy.” Yang Yixuan didn’t know if his shizun was red with fury or if it was embarrassment. Hopefully his doubts were explained when Liu Qingge’s mouth crashed against his. And he kisses him. Without hesitation, without disgust. Maybe too much force since their teeth almost clancked together but Yang Yixuan would take every kiss, no matter how bad or inexperienced Liu Qingge was.
Meanwhile Liu Qingge, finally felt the immensity of this brittle feeling on his heart. He knew the way he felt had been growing little by little every day since Yang Yixuan confessed, maybe it was there before, still undiscovered. It felt like euphoria, like his chest was going to burst, like he could run infinite laps around the training field. He couldn’t compare it to anything since he had never really kissed before. Still, he felt that this was good, all the doubts he had about being a good righteous teacher and not a lover go away. Fuck, if it hadn’t been because he couldn’t breathe anymore he wouldn’t have let go so soon.
“I said, shut up.” He finally whispers when he let’s go of Yang Yixuan’s robes. A little peck of saliva still connected their lips. He didn’t know if it was the sun but he felt way too hot, could he really have gone so worked up with just a kiss?
“This disciple will never stop talking if shizun silences him like this” Yang Yixuan was everything but calm, he was like a puppy wagging his tail and barking to get more treats from his owner.
If someone told him that he was not real and that all his world was just a novel, he might have believed it. He had been dumbfounded when Liu Qingge told him he had heard his confession but this, this was just heaven.
“Why?” Liu Qingge wondered, his eyes finally meeting his disciple’s gaze.
“Why what shizun?” Yang Yixuan wanted to scream Didn’t we just kiss? What you mean with that?
“Why me?” His eyes squinted, trying to comprehend Yang Yixuan’s eyes. His chest still felt like it was going to explode.
“You’re everything I could ever ask for, and more. This disciple would like to kiss shizun again.”
“Just do it” Liu Qingge spat out, not really surprised by his disciple’s blatant request.
Smiling smugly when he finally got what he wanted, Yang Yixuan kissed him with everything he had, hoping Liu Qingge felt on top of the world, important, loved. His hand gripped his shizun’s waist which seemed to surprise him since he gasped. Yang Yixuan held him close, keeping the space between their mouths occupied.
He dragged his tongue against his shizun’s lower lip and smiled internally when he felt Liu Qingge moaning quietly at the action. “Did you like that shizun?”
“... Do it again” Liu Qingge said, no more than a whisper, did he really have more face to lose?
“What did shizun say?”Yang Yixuan teased, mumbling softly against shizun’s open mouth that was starting to extract these lovely, whiny sounds he had dreamed about. Then he deepened the kiss, and he was immediately swallowed by a raging need.
“Yixuan! Don’t be shameless” Liu Qingge said when he finally got Yang Yixuan to stop kissing him for a second. And this time he loved how his name dripped off of Liu Qingge's tongue, slithering with a growing and curious passion.
It drove Yang Yixuan instantly crazy.
“Ah, it’s just that shizun makes this disciple go dumb”
“Aren’t you already dumb?”
“Mhm, but shizun likes my kisses. That’s enough for me.” Yang Yixuan was smiling so pretty and wide that it made Liu Qingge's insides melt, wanting to make sure that he smiled like that all the time.
“Nonsense.” Liu Qingge threatened but he didn’t look threatening at all with his puffy and red lips from kissing.
“Is that so? Then I won’t kiss shizun again.” He had always fantasized about his shizun’s lips and how his tiny waist and strong arms hair would feel close to him, so this was like a touchable dream for Yang Yixuan. He softly laughed at the face his shizun made when he teased him.
“Do you want me to beat you up again?” Since he had heard his disciple’s confession he wondered about what would happen if he said yes, if he accepted him. He felt guilty at first, wondering about his disciple but after all wasn’t Luo Binghe his shixiong’s disciple? And they were together, and no one seemed to be complaining…
Even when he would spent his days trying to stop Yang Yixuan’s affection for him, he would spent some nights wondering what would happen if he felt the same, it wasn’t like he did! but he did spent a lot of time thinking about kissing him, his warm mouth on his pale cold lips. And after beautip himself up for it, he started to accept it, to think that maybe he felt something more.
But what made him snap was the thought that maybe Yang Yixuan felt his heart breaking just like he had felt with Sheng Qingqiu and he could stop that, he could say his feelings were reciprocated and aplacate the pain on his disiciple’s heart, but he didn’t dare.
Until he saw the pain on Yang Yixuan’s eyes when he had asked Is this disciple really that awful?
Because no, Yang Yixuan was not awful, not at all. He was kind, a little naive but always lively. He was hardworking, never getting discouraged by all the times he had hurt him or scold him. He was like the sun, melting Liu Qingge’s cold heart.
For a long time he had wondered if he would regret it, turning their relationship into something more.
But when Yang Yixuan’s lips touched his, he knew he won’t regret it. He won’t regret it because he has also memorized every freckle and mark on Yang Yixuan’s skin too. He won’t regret carving his movements into his memory. He won’t regret looking at him and making a mental list of everything he wants to experience with him.
“S- shizun…” The sound of his voice on his ear, his lips slowly kissing Liu Qingge’s neck made him wake up from his thoughts. He bit his lip as he resisted the urge to grind his hips upward. Yang Yixuan kissed him and Liu Qingge opened up to him. “So beautiful,” he said, and kissed him again, and again, languid and slow.
“Shut up” Liu Qingge responded. He was already starting to get hard, he just hoped that Yang Yixuan wouldn’t notice. Yang Yixuan’s hands touched him, everywhere, constantly moving. Gripping his hips almost painfully tight before finally curling around the back of his head and pulling him deeper into the kiss. Unfortunately for him Yang Yixuan bucked his hips up repeatedly against him and he swore he could feel his disciple’s smile where he was kissing Liu Qingge.
“Does shizun really want to do it at the training field?” tugging lightly at the other man’s hair so their gazes meet.
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
Liu Qingge was still wet, Yang Yixuan’s cum still trickling out of him, still slick. He was loose and open, his body giving way easily for two fingers, and taking a third with only a single, shuddering sigh against Yang Yixuan’s mouth. He swore he could still lightly feeling the euphoria of his last orgasm, the distant echo of his own moans.
The way he had first squirmed when Yang Yixuan started undressing him made Yang Yixuan want to slowly unwrap him up and take care of him, kissing every patch of skin slowly. It also made him want to fuck his shizun stupid, made him forget every tear he had shed because of other people, to take care of him in the other sense of the phrase.
He didn’t know his shizun could be so lewd, that he could make such noises or even feel that good. Everything seemed like a way too good dream but the pain of his shizun biting down on his collarbones made him remember that this was indeed very real.
The sound alone was enough to make Yang Yixuan achingly hard again. He flexed his fingers, pressing against the tight, wet heat and listening as Liu Qingge’s breathing grew rougher with every press of his fingers. Liu Qingge’s hand gripped Yang Yixuan’s waist, probably leaving bruises that he expected could be excused as wounds from their practice.
He swallowed every whimper that escaped his sizun’s mouth, pushing deeper, stroking him from the inside, scissoring his fingers until Liu Qingge’s whimpers turned to a breathless cry and his shizun’s teeth sank too deep into his shoulder.
“Yixuan” he liked the sound of his name coming from his sizhun's mouth but especially when he was like this. It was a sultry greedy sound, as if Liu Qingge would eat him alive, swallow him whole. And that’s exactly what Yang Yixuan wanted.
The sudden feeling of emptiness when Yang Yixuan finally retreated his fingers made Liu Qingge say his name between gritten teeth.
Feeling himself clench down on nothing, Liu Qingge whined in his throat, too empty. Searching for his pleasure again, he lifted his hips and placed his hands on his disciple’s chest, slowly sitting himself down on Yang Yixuan’s lap, slipping through the entrance without too much discomfort, sliding hotly against his inner walls. He choked out as his legs betrayed him and felt himself becoming very full. His hips rose a little before sinking back down, letting out a sigh of relief as he grew used to the intrusion once more.
Yang Yixuan was rather impressively endowed but not so much that Liu Qingge would never be able to fully adjust and would always need preparation, the perfect size for him. He was also curved just perfectly where if Liu Qingge arched his back just right he could hit his own prostate with every push of his hips.
Liu Qingge arched his back and moved his legs over to another position so he could ride him with more force and let out small contained moans each time the tip of his cock brushed against that certain spot inside of him. He bit his lip hard at the fluttering sensation in the pit of his stomach.
To distract himself from how full he felt, Liu Qingge started to kiss and bite Yang Yixuan’s body. Along his shoulder, his collarbone. The start of his pecs. His hands pause over a pebbled nipple, flicking it with tongue and teeth before learning how it feels under his tongue tip. Then kissing down over his heart. And when he glances at Yang Yixuan’s face, thick curls splayed across the pillow in a mess and his lips bright red, an indescribable warmth fills Liu Qingge’s chest, lips spreading in a soft smile.
He was jerked out of his thoughts when his disciple shifts underneath, rocking his hips back, pumping into him in a slow motion. The twitch of his cock inside him made him gasp and dig his nails into Yang Yixuan’s side. And glare in censure. “Who said you could move?”
“T- this disicple was- ah , wrong”
Liu Qingge accepted that answer, he wanted to remember the way he sounded, a soft vengeance for making him wait before. But he forgot about that when Yang Yixuans’s tongue coaxed him into a playful, passionate kiss that makes both of them shift and roll their hips in search of more contact. But he manages to realize what his disciple was aiming for when he thrusted into him again. Liu Qingge bites his lips and pulls away with an irritated glare, “Behave.”
Taking full control, he raised his hips up until the very tip was in before he sank back down in one motion. He grinned at how debauched Yang Yixuan looked, his mouth almost drooling and his knuckles white from holding too hard onto the sheets.
“You’re so damn needy,” Liu Qingge reprimanded him again, his hips brutally snapping forward. His ass slapped noisily against Yang Yixuan's thighs, feeling the burn starting to sink in to his muscles. Picking up a faster pace, Liu Qingge started fucking himself on Yang Yixuan’s cock in earnest.
It’s good, all of it, the building rhythm of his thighs riding him, the way his dick is trapped between them, friction on all sides. Liu Qingge could hear himself making noises but his brain feels fuzzy and he couldn’t focus enough to be quieter.
Yang Yixuan wrapped his hand around Liu Qingge's leaking cock, jerking it quickly, tightly, as the other pushes himself down onto Yang Yixuan's cock again.
Liu Qingge sank down a final time and nearly crushes his disciple’s hand beneath his own and shouts as he comes, the white fluid spattered across both of their fingers. He brings their hands up to his mouth and licks them off, sucking Yang Yixuans's thumb into his mouth for longer than necessary.
Ah, Yang Yixuan could have never imagined such a good dream!
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
"If I don’t say anything about the hickeys, nobody will know that you're the one who gave them to me." Yang Yixuan wetted a hand towel and starts to wipe himself down.
Struggling to his feet, his shizun yelled, "Like hell! You're mine!"
After yelling that he understands the implications of what that means. But Yang Yixuan didn’t seem to be against having a real relationship with his shizun, he grinned and wetted another hand towel for him.
He glanced down on his body, looking at all the bites and marks his shizun left on him, and he smiled. "I like being yours." He blushes a little at that, looking down at the floor with a sheepish grin.
Liu Qingge rolled his eyes.
A bright smile grew on Yang Yixuan's face, looking down at Liu Qingge, a chuckle still in his throat. But his shizun pressed his lips to Yang Yixuan's, taking the moment in, his fingers thread through Liu Qingge's hair that was incredibly not in a high ponytail, thumb against his cheek, holding him there. When they parted Yang Yixuan gives a smirky little shrug and Liu Qingge wanted to roll his eyes again.
He wanted to ask why me? Still unsure of why would someone as sweet as him would ever love the cold and blunt Bai Zhan Peak Lord but the way Yang Yixuan rubbed his hand along his back and kissed him on the forehead said everything Liu Qingge needed to know.
Even after the wet towels, they were both sweaty and kind of gross, but Liu Qingge doesn’t care much, instead finding himself drawn to the way Yang Yixuan’s face looks so nice when it’s flushed, how good he looks with his hair sweaty and pushed back from his forehead, how much he wants to kiss him.
And when Yang Yixuan shifted himself closer to him, the heat of his body comforting, Liu Qingge thought he could really, really get used to this.
✧┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈✧
Liu Qingge always heard other people say that love was the most wonderful feeling. And he could never comprehend it. He never thought too much about his feelings but then came Shen Qingqiu. The pain of unrequited love had numbed everything good love could make him feel.
But now, he had discovered otherwise. Love can be good.
People keep telling him how happy he looks lately. Shen Qingqiu asked him if he had gone in a successful night hunt. Mu Qingfang looked at him strangely when he went to check his now healed wound and Liu Qingge just didn’t complain and even his sister seemed to notice the new glow in Liu Qingge’s eyes.
It’s not that he was unhappy before, he just had a unapproachable-immortal aura.
He thinks maybe he’s coming to appreciate more the nice things in his life.
They never call themselves a couple, don’t use words like relationship, have never even talked about feelings, really. It maybe should make Liu Qingge panic or whatever, but he finds himself not caring much He doesn’t know if he’s good at this or not, at being together, but Yang Yixuan seems to like him, and that’s the only thing that mattered.
Being together, as it turns out, is not that difficult when the person you’re dating is your own disciple. It doesn’t feel that different. Well, except for the sex or the fact that Yang Yixuan is bolder now, spitting compliments and cheesy things on every chance he has or maybe because now Liu Qingge gets to mark him or… well, it is kinda different. But it’s not weird.
In this particular moment, sitting quietly after practice, Yang Yixuan leaning his head on Liu Qingge’s shoulder like it’s a habit, a warmth growing in Liu Qingge’s stomach. It’s not unpleasant , he thinks as his hand finds Yang Yixuans’s, not feeling the need to say anything to fill their comfortable silence.
It feels almost natural.
And it’s nice.