Forgiveness, Can You Imagine?

by Yaboi_writes

Summary:

Hardison and Parker forgive Eliot for what he's done in the past.

It happened very rarely- Eliot losing himself in a fight to find himself looming over his opponent's dead body with blood on his hands. He was supposed to have control so this wouldn't happen anymore. This wasn't supposed to happen anymore.

"Eliot, what's happening? What are you doing?" 

Hardison's voice snapped him out of his head. Con now, shut down later, though his vision was already tunneling and he could feel the rising bile in his throat.

"Get out of there, Eliot."

Eliot pulled himself together and went running for Lucille. The con was over and he had to meet Parker and Hardison there. He didn't notice he was shaking until Parker pointed it out. He didn't say anything.

Eliot didn't say anything when Hardison pointed out the blood on his hands.

He was starting to withdraw as his partners conversed with each other. He stared at his bloodstained, shaking hands. The hands that just took someone's life; the life of a bad guy, sure, but still a life. He hated that he still got a rush from the kill this many year later.

He disappeared upstairs when they got back to the pub. He couldn't get it out of his mind, how easy it was to plunge that knife into the guy's stomach, or the rush he felt when the life left his eyes. He washed his hands, trying to focus on that. He scrubbed and soaped and washed them harshly, keeping at it when Parker and Hardison came in.

"Eliot?" Parker asked.

"It won't come off," he said, showing them unbelievably clean hands. They were red and raw from the scrubbing. "It wont come out. I can't get the blood out."

"Your hands are clean man," Hardison spoke lightly.

"They're not-" Eliot gasped, shoving his hands back into the scalding hot water and pumped more soap onto them. "They're not clean. They'll never be clean. I can't get them clean."

His breathing was sporadic. He was probably having a panic attack. He kept rubbing his hands under the water, turning the temperature up more.

"Eliot, calm down," Parker said at the same time Hardison said, "Breathe, man. Breathe."

Parker and Hardison carefully pulled him from the sink, helping him sit on the edge of the tub, holding his hands gently. Hardison pressed a kiss to Eliot's, which was met with Eliot pulling his hand away as if he'd been burnt at the touch. His breathing was still heavy. He put his face in his hands, shuddering a bit. He took a harsh breath, breathing still giving him a hard time in his panicked state.

"I killed him."

"You killed a bad guy, El."

"I don't kill."

"It's not your fault." Parker cupped his face, trying to look into his eyes. It was like she was trying to peer into his mind."

"Don't tell me that."

"it's okay man, don't blame yourself."

Eliot stood suddenly, shocking the two of them at the quick movement of their partner. He tangled his hands into his hair, squeezing his eyes shut.

"it just happened," Eliot said quietly. The quietest they'd ever heard the hitter speak. "The guard just... I don't know. He came at me and something triggered in my mind and-" the gasping breaths started up again and he started tugging at his hair, "and I still got that rush I used to get from killing for Him and-and it still made me feel good. Why did it make me feel good?"

Eliot's knees bucked and he sank to the floor, playing with the leather bracelet around his wrist now, squeezing and twisting it; like something was irritating the skin under it. Parker and Hardison moved to both sides of Eliot, pressing firmly against him like they were trying to ground him.

"I don't know why it felt good, Eliot, but we forgive you," Parker told him gently, holding his hand in both of hers. Gently, she ran her nimble and swift finger over his calloused pads,  humming softly.

"Why would you-"

"Why would we what? Forgive you?" Hardison asked, looking over to see Eliot nod. "Because we love you. Because you are ours, and we are yours. Because your baggage became outs the moment you opened your heart to us. We don't care what you did, or what you've done." He watched Eliot look down, shaking his head. "Man, when are you going to learn that the moment we became a team -a family- we weren't going to let pasts get the better of us, huh?"

"We change together. You're still changing and we're right here for you." Parker wiped Eliot's tears away, kissing him gently, holding his cheeks in her hands.

Eliot fell forward into an embrace with Parker, crying into her shoulder. What would he do without them here to pull him back, to remind him what side he was really on. Their forgiveness in him was the first step for Eliot to forgive himself.