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Bucky wiped the bar clean ready for day three of his new job and contemplated recent events. He enjoyed the bar job, he did, it was just the... complications he was struggling with.
Somehow he ended up with a job at the bar his hot one night stand Steve was a regular at, and not just that, that might have been okay, but his one night stand’s girlfriend was a regular too. Talk about awkward. God, why did he have to be so hot? It was cruel, showing him what he couldn’t have. The guy was gorgeous.
Then there was Tony, Steve’s friend. The one who was considerably older than Bucky, handsome as hell and a major flirt. Bucky had little self control when it came to sexy older men, the more competent the better. But this was the Tony he made out with his first night at work in the middle of the bar.
Yesterday had been much quieter, no sign of Steve or Tony thankfully but Logan had been shooting him dark looks all day after warning him off Tony. Too old for you he’d said, irresponsible, a constant flirt, incapable of being in a relationship. You don’t need someone like that he said.
Day three on the job and he already felt like his life was now a soap opera.
Natasha, of course, was loving every minute of it. She was the only one he told about Steve and their passionate night together. Roger he’d called himself when he took Bucky home with him and fucked him stupid. Bucky didn’t want to gossip or for anyone to find out, but the situation was freaking him out so much that if he didn’t tell someone he was liable to do or say something stupid. Nat already knew his biggest darkest secrets, so what was one more? She’d been surprised to say the least, having known Steve for a couple of years.
‘It makes sense if you think about it though. The guy always seemed to good to be true’, she said. ‘Sincere, decent, polite, a real good American boy. At least we know now there’s a real person in there. Man, it sucks to be Sharon though.’
Bucky nodded, he felt incredibly guilty about it even though he had no way of knowing Steve wasn’t single at the time. He felt even guiltier when he found himself replaying moments from their night together but it had been one of the hottest nights of his life.
‘Yeah, me too Nat. I just, I wish he was Roger. Available, single, hot. Now I get to see him all the time but it’s like a different person.’
Natasha gave him one of her small smiles, the ones he knew meant she was being sincere. ‘I’m sorry James, you really do deserve to meet a nice guy. What about a date or two? Nothing serious, just to get you out there, take your mind off things?’
It was probably a terrible idea. Bucky wasn’t sure he was up to meeting new people right now, but what was he going to do? He couldn’t keep moping over Steve and this thing with Tony could be a great fun distraction but had too much potential to be messy.
‘Fine. But, just, someone nice. Please?’
‘Of course’, she said, ‘I actually have a great guy in mind. Let me set it up’, and with a kiss to his cheek she was gone and Bucky had no chance to back out.
Steve looked at his face in the bathroom mirror. He was at work, he shouldn’t linger but he barely recognized the guy staring back at him. His eyes were old and harrowed and empty. Steve had fucked up. He’d meant to get it out of his system so he could move on, but he was not even close to being able to do that. That night with Bucky had changed his life. Instead of giving himself a precious memory to hold onto, something secret only for him, he’d found out that the reality of being with another man had blown all other thoughts out of the water. The feel of Bucky under his hands, the softness of his lips, the firmness of his muscles. It was a revelation. Oh, and then to see him again. The reality had been better than the fantasy. Steve was sober when he saw him for the second time and Bucky was even more beautiful than he remembered, and he was funny and flirty and open and snarky. Not with Steve obviously, he could barely look at Steve and he didn’t blame him, but Bucky was so much more than he expected.
Steve was taking Sharon away this weekend, he was supposed to propose. That was the plan. She was his best friend, his partner. Their friends and family were going to be so happy, and Sharon too. Steve owed her that surely? After eight years together didn’t she deserve the happy ending? Only now Steve had all these doubts and he kept getting a tight feeling in his chest and he could feel his heart hammering at double speed. He wasn’t sure he could do it, but if he didn’t wasn’t he letting everyone down? What was he going to tell people?
Bucky saw Steve arrive early, most of the offices nearby hadn’t finished for the day yet. He was on his own this time, no Sharon or Tony. The bar was still fairly quiet so Bucky braced himself for some awkward small talk.
‘Steve, what can I get you?’, he asked.
‘Just a beer please. Thanks Bucky.’
Steve looked a little downcast today. Bucky wanted to cheer him up, make some stupid conversation, flirt a little, but he wasn’t sure how things were between them so he just nodded and stayed quiet. He passed him his drink and tried not to notice Steve’s wide shoulders and muscular arms. He couldn’t let himself remember the feel of them around him, the beautiful muscles of his chest, the way he kissed as if his life depended on it. Shit, he really missed Roger. He could have flirted with Roger, leaned over the bar and checked him out.
Steve sipped his beer and said nothing.
‘Just you today Steve?’, Bucky couldn’t help but ask.
‘Um yeah. Look, I just wanted to apologize Buck. It, it wasn’t fair to you, what I did.’
Bucky nodded his head in acknowledgment but his thoughts were racing. Was he meant to say something too? He had a lot of thoughts about this whole fucked up situation.
Steve picked at the label on his beer bottle and carried on, ‘I messed up Bucky. You. Sharon, god even Tony I guess now. All I do is ruin things. I’m so sorry. I didn’t think I was going to hurt anyone.’
Bucky was sympathetic, Steve’s sad puppy face was hard to resist, but he had to say something.
‘Yeah, you messed up’, Bucky said, ‘you absolutely one hundred percent messed up. You just have to think about why. I don’t know you very well, but I do know all the people that come here, your friends, they think a lot of you. Are you okay Steve? This doesn’t seem like a situation you would find yourself in.’
Steve sighed. ‘You’re right Bucky, this isn’t me. Lying like this, I’ve never done anything like this before’.
Bucky had been lied to in his life too many times but he couldn’t help feeling that Steve was being genuine about this. His blue eyes were damp and wide and full of truth.
‘I’m going to talk to Sharon’, Steve said, ‘I owe her that. I- I think I’m gay. I’ve never said that out loud before, not even to myself.’
Bucky passed him another beer. Steve’s eyes were swimming with unshed tears and he looked about as miserable as a man could. Bucky hesitated for a moment before resting his hand on Steve’s forearm.
‘I’m proud of you Steve. Coming out is fucking hard. It’s going to be tough but you’re doing the right thing. You deserve to be yourself. Sharon deserves better than this, you know that too.’
A tear rolled down Steve’s cheek but he nodded in agreement.
Bucky remembered bad times in his life, feeling the way Steve did right now, like you were the lowest person on earth. Like you shouldn’t get to feel better because you’d fucked up so badly, made your own mess.
‘I know this might not mean much right now Steve’, Bucky said, ‘but I’m here. I’ll be your friend if you need one okay?’
Steve gave a watery smile, ‘Thanks Bucky. You’re too good, really. I think I need to go home and have a conversation I really don’t want to have.’
Steve got up to leave, a look of heartbreak and resignation on his face. Bucky sent him a reassuring smile as he went. He really did feel for Steve, even if he’d created this whole problem himself. He’d met guys who weren’t out before, terrified of the reactions of the friends, family and sometimes wives. Bucky might have had a messed up life but at least he could say he’d never had to hide that part of himself. He served a couple of happy hour workers with a polite smile and some meaningful pleasantries and wondered to himself if Steve was really going to be ok.