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It’s late at night when Nicholas receives the letter, and frankly, he was already exhausted beforehand. Coach Willams’ drills have always been brutal, and with Nicholas on the team, he isn’t getting off the hook very easily. He walked towards his room in a trance, muscles aching.
Seiji wouldn’t be in the room, probably off doing more training for some god-awful reason, which left the room to Nicholas. Good. He was prepared to throw himself onto his bed and sleep for a long, long time.
Unfortunately, there was a small, white folded sheet of paper taped on the door waiting for him instead.
What is this? Some sort of terrible prank? He tears it off the door and unfolds it carefully once he’s settled in his room, as carefully as his tired hands can unfold things, and begins to read blearily. The whole letter is written in a neat blue ink print.
Nicholas,
I know you will never receive this letter, so it is a bit strange to be writing it. I suppose that’s a relief, knowing that nothing I say will get to you.
Well. That’s something. It makes Nicholas rethink whether he really should be reading this. But alas, both curiosity and recklessness are things that Nicholas has far too much of. He continues on.
Ever since you first came to King’s Row, you’ve been more interesting than I could’ve imagined. To be honest, I remembered fencing against you a long time ago. Your unique style caught my eye.
He snorts. Unique was one way to describe it. He’s lost count of how many times Coach Williams has told him that his technique was terrible.
I found it strange how you could be so fast. I thought about it for a while- about who you really are, how you could be such an enigma. Every time I fenced against you, I was reminded again about how you were so fascinating. Maybe that’s how this feeling began.
All of a sudden, I started having these thoughts. Thoughts of your radiant smile, and your never ending awkward kindness, and how you might look if we went on a date and ate ice cream sundaes.
Nicholas has to reread that part a few times before it registers in his mind that this is, in fact, a love letter. His heart is racing, and he can’t tell if it’s out of anxiety or excitement.
I shrugged them off at first. I knew they were just wishful thinking, and I still know that now. The problem is that, whatever I do, I can’t get them out of my mind. I’ve realized that I may have fallen head over heels for you. And I’m writing this soppy letter that will never be sent because I don’t have any other way to get rid of my feelings. How pathetic.
Nicholas gulps. This took a really dark turn. The paragraph ends there abruptly, and a new one starts, as if the writer took a deep breath and started on another note.
I think you have a lot of potential. I think I could help you reach the stars, if you ever wanted to. I’m too much of a coward to tell you that in person. I don’t think you would ever accept my help, anyways.
It was surprising to think that there’s someone rooting for him in the distance. He wishes he knew who they were, so he could encourage them, too. Why wouldn’t he accept their help? He isn’t that threatening.
For now, all I can do is look. I don't think that will ever change, not with the way we are now. It’s a little painful, but it is much better than being shunned by you forever. I won’t sign my name, in fear that somehow, someday, this letter will end up somewhere that isn’t the back of my spare notebook. Maybe, when that day comes around, we’ll be on better terms.
I hope you’re doing well.
The letter ends there, and it seems so incomplete without a signature.
Oh god.
Nicholas just wants to grab this person by the shoulders and shake some sense into them. He wants to tell them that they should value themself more, and that he’d fence with them anytime, and maybe he’d consider dating them if they turn out to be a cool person.
He skims over the letter for a second time, then a third time, just to catch anything he might’ve missed. The amount of pining in this letter almost makes his heart ache.
Despite being so tired when he stumbled into his room initially, he lay awake on his bed, letter folded in his hand. He doesn’t hear Seiji enter their room with a sigh, cold as usual.
------
He tells Bobby about it next morning. He doesn’t show Bobby the letter- it feels way too intimate to let anyone else see, and Nicholas has hidden it safely under his pillow- but he tells him the general gist of it. Bobby goes starry-eyed. “Do you know who it could be? It’s basically, like… meant to be. ” Nicholas wishes he could be as enthusiastic about this as Bobby is. In his defense, Bobby usually sees things through a shoujo manga filter.
“Bobby, if I knew who it was, I think I’d be talking to them instead of you right now.”
Bobby makes a frowny face, and returns to stirring his cereal around.
“You know, your secret admirer pretty much has to be a guy.”
Oh. Nicholas hadn’t really given that aspect much thought. He actually hadn’t considered his secret admirer’s gender at all.
“I guess it doesn't really matter to me as much as personality. Honestly, I don’t put much thought into it.”
“Whatever. If this happened to me, I think I’d be swooning for the next week.” Bobby sighs dreamily. “This is literally a setup for a romance movie.”
“You’d hunt them down like an assassin,” Nicholas barks out a laugh.
“You’re saying you won’t?” Bobby retaliates.
Nicholas knows that his curiosity has no bounds, so he doesn’t bother lying about it. “Even if I told myself not to try to get to the bottom of this, I’d end up doing it subconsciously.”
“Tell me how that goes,” Bobby grins.
------
It is not going smoothly, Nicholas thinks miserably.
Another day has passed, Nicholas rereading the letter occasionally, and no leads have come up. He wonders if it's really worth it- what happens after he discovers what his secret admirer is? Maybe get to know them a little better? He really doesn’t know. By the nature of the letter, it sounds like the writer is dealing with a lot of problems. Maybe if he found out who the writer was, he could help him. And the writer could help Nicholas with fencing, like he mentioned in the letter. It would be nice.
It would be nicer if Nicholas had some sort of a damn lead right now. The letter leaves nothing to work with. Nicholas has fenced against a million other people. In the very least, he knows that his secret admirer goes to King’s Row.
He’s so screwed. How is he even going to start? Nicholas groans loudly, and it’s this exact moment when Seiji decides to walk into their shared room. He spares Nicholas one quizzical glance, and crosses over to his side of the ducky curtain.
This is a chance. “Did you see anyone tape a note to the door recently?”
There’s a pause from the other side of the curtain. “...Do I want to know?”
“Just answer the question.”
“No. I would’ve taken it down.”
“Good to know.”
Another dead end. Nicholas flopped over in his bed, lamenting over his terrible detective skills.
“Generally speaking, what would you do if you wanted to find the mystery writer of a hypothetical note that was posted on your door?”
“I’m trying to sleep, Nicholas.” He’d stopped calling him “zero” when he was accepted onto the team. It was a change that Nicholas welcomed, it felt nice to be acknowledged, especially by Seiji. It felt warm, for some reason.
He isn’t going to get into that.
“Okay, but what would you do? I’m seriously stuck here.”
“Ask other people if they saw anything. I’m not the only other person in King’s Row.”
Nicholas thinks a bit. “That’s actually a good idea. I hadn’t thought about it.”
“Of course you hadn’t. I’m going to sleep now.”
“Yeah,” Nicholas says into the darkness, “Goodnight, Seiji”
------
Seiji is usually gone by the time Nicholas wakes up in the morning, but Nicholas is surprised to find Seiji still in the room rooting around his bag.
“You’re still here,” Nicholas says, still half asleep.
“That should be obvious.” Seiji snaps. His brows are furrowed and his usually trained poise is abandoned for hunching over his bag.
“...What are you looking for?”
“It’s none of your business.”
“I can help you find it,” Nicholas offers.
“ It’s none of your business.”
Nicholas heads over to the bathroom to get ready. “Alright, whatever, you don’t need to be pissy about it.”
Through the thin walls, Nicholas hears Seiji muttering something like “ It should be here, there’s no way I lost it.” What could be that important for Seiji to be late to his morning routine?
He hears the rustling stop, then Seiji bolts out of the room. He must’ve realized how late he was. That was pretty weird. It’s not like Seiji to lose track of things. Hopefully he found whatever he was looking for.
-----
Nicholas asks around throughout the day, like Seiji had suggested.
From Eugene, he gets a “Oh, so someone’s got an eye on you then,” and an exaggerated eyebrow waggle
From Harvard, he gets an amused look, and a “I haven’t seen anything, but if you find out who it is, I wish them good luck.”
From Dante, he just gets a blank stare, and a “no.”
He doesn’t bother asking Seiji anything more than he already did, but he does ask him if he found what he was looking for when they pass each other in the hallway.
Seiji hisses, “No, why does it matter to you?” Nicholas takes it as a sign to not pester him too much today, since he would probably be throwing this diva queen hissy fit for the rest of the day. Who could’ve known that Cold Prodigy Katayama could care about something other than fencing this much?
He’s at his wit’s end when he asks Tanner, who says “How the hell should I know? I’m not a surveillance camera.”
Nicholas is about to turn away when Kally, by Tanner’s side, speaks.
“Hm, I think I saw Aidan walking down the hall with tape yesterday. He looked like he was planning something- not to scare you or anything.”
He almost jumps up and hugs Kally, but he knows that it would probably piss Tanner off. Anything can piss Tanner off.
“Thank you so much, oh my gosh,” He blurts before speeding away from the library to find Aidan. He really hopes Aidan isn’t the one who wrote the letter. Not only would that be super weird, but the Bons would be plotting his murder.
-----
“Woah, woah, slow down. I’m not the one who wrote the letter.” Aidan looks down at him. “I don't have a shitty taste in men, thank you very much.”
Nicholas ignores the insult and presses forward, “Then why did Kally say he saw you taping a letter on my door?”
“I should’ve never done this in the first place,” Aidan mutters and crosses his arms with an air of pretentiousness. “Should’ve known better than to get caught up in your gay shenanigans when i already have mine.”
“Just tell me already,” Nicholas hisses.
“Calm down. Okay, so first of all, I found that letter on the ground. And it was addressed to you. I had this really funny idea at the time where I would drop this letter that you’re obviously not supposed to read right at your doorstep.”
“ What?!”
“I’ll admit that I probably shouldn’t have done that, but hey, I came clean.”
“So you don’t know who wrote it?”
“No, I do not. Now would you please let me pass so I can meet a guy in the gardening shed."
“What the hell- why would you deliver something you found on the ground- ”
Aidan pushes past him and walks away muttering something about “this shit ruining his skin.”
It made more sense now. This would explain how the letter got to him, but now Nicholas was faced with the question of who would be careless enough to drop a personal letter on the ground.
------
So he’s back at the start again. A few days have passed since he followed the dead lead to Aidan being an absolute dick, which shouldn’t have been a surprise. Nicholas takes his frustrations out on the swinging tennis ball that Coach Williams told him to hit 50 times in a row. She calls them remedial lessons, but Nicholas prefers the term “torture.”
Anything to beat Jesse and Seiji, he thinks.
His arms and legs are beginning to ache from standing in the same position for so long. 33, 34 35, he’s just 15 more away- and he misses. Nicholas almost screams in anger.
Suddenly, there’s a grasp manipulating his limbs. Nicholas almost screams- again- but this time out of surprise.
“You still tense your shoulder. Relax.” It’s Seiji, snaking his hold around Nicholas’ fencing arm.
“Uh, what are you-”
“No, don’t turn sideways. Like this.”
His grip is firm and steady. Heat rises to Nicholas’ face and his heartbeat quickens. Okay, now why did that happen?
“Why are you-”
Seiji looks away. “I just got tired of looking at your bad technique constantly.” He can feel Seiji’s steady poise being conveyed into his own, he’s able to hit the ball much more often now.
Right. That was completely reasonable. Seiji should be allowed to correct his teammates’ form. That’s just what teammates do, so why does Nicholas flush deeper when he realizes how close their faces are together?
___
Nicholas thinks about what happened. Sure, he knows how to appreciate the human aesthetic, and Seiji is fairly attractive himself. Even when Nicholas first arrived at King’s Row, he had to admit that Seiji had a princely sort of handsomeness. Seiji would be so much more dateable if he was actually nice, he remembered thinking in the past. Well, one good deed from Seiji had rendered him a floundering mess. Very smooth.
Their relationship had been improving lately, in his opinion. Especially after all the time they were forced to spend together, Nicholas felt like he understood Seiji a little better. They were crossing the line from enemies to friends, but that didn’t mean that they abandoned the bantering completely. It also sure didn’t mean that Seiji was no longer his rival.
At this point, he doesn’t know whether to dub it a crush or a fixation. Being in love with his rival wouldn’t be good. Who knows what Seiji would do if he found out?
It was at this moment when Nicholas remembered his secret admirer. Shit. He had forgotten about the whole ordeal while obsessing over his feelings for Seiji.
Keep your mind off of Seiji until you give your secret admirer a proper chance, he has to tell himself.
He groans. This is an absolute disaster.
------
It’s morning again, Nicholas waking up as usual and heading over to the cafeteria for breakfast.
“You couldn’t find any more clues?” Bobby asks. He’s been trying to help Nicholas with this case, to no avail.
“Yeah,” Nicholas says disappointedly, “I actually don’t think they even wanted to be found in the first place.”
“Aw, cheer up, Nick,” Bobby pats him on the head. “I think your paths will come together. That’s how love works!”
“You have a lot of confidence in fate,” Nicholas grumbles.
“You’re not thinking about giving up, are you?”
In all honesty, Nicholas just goes with the flow of things most of the time without a thought. He does whatever feels right at the time. His gut is telling him to track down this individual, so that’s exactly what he’ll do. If all goes well, he might believe Bobby’s ‘fate’ stuff.
“Absolutely not. I’m going to find them if it’s the last thing I ever do.”
“I knew you wouldn’t,” Bobby chirps.
------
It certainly doesn’t help that training is getting even more grueling recently. Nicholas lays back onto his bed, blue blazer strewn across the floor (but not crossing the ducky curtain.) It’s past lights out time, Seiji in the bed beyond the curtain. He reads the letter again in dim light. Nicholas rereads the letter occasionally. He’s not really sure why- It might be because it’s a physical affirmation that there is someone out there, somewhere, that thinks highly of him.
“I didn’t realize you and Jesse were friends,” Nicholas says absentmindedly, folding the letter between his fingers. It had been on his mind ever since Jesse came waltzing into their fencing practice. He could tell that they used to be close.
“We were… something.”
Okay, now what does that mean?
“What was he like?”
Seiji proceeds to prattle on about how Jesse’s fencing is absolutely glorious and perfect. It wasn’t anything that Nicholas already knew. The distance between him and Jesse was an abyss.
“You must really admire him… But you don’t want to fence with him? What happened?”
He hears a huff and a rustle of sheets. “I had the wrong idea about something. It doesn’t matter.”
“The wrong idea?’
“Sometimes I take things too seriously.”
No kidding. “Uh, yeah. You’re so focused, you know? Sometimes you’re so intense, it’s scary.”
“Everyone says that.” Shit, he sounds kind of dejected. That wasn’t what Nicholas meant to say. “Fencing is what I do. I end up distancing myself from everyone.”
“But I think that’s what makes you a champion.”
“...What?”
He’s just pouring his heart out to Seiji at this point. “You have this drive… You’re so determined to win. I want to be more like that. And those people that bitch about you? Screw them.”
“I try my best. Usually, beating them makes them shut up.”
That was such a Seiji thing to say. Nicholas almost laughs because it’s endearing. “Really, though. I don’t think you deserve it.” You deserve so much more and I want you to smile and be happy and lighten up sometimes-
There’s a short silence, then Seiji asks, “Did you mean it when you said we were friends?”
Ah. Nicholas remembers that. That incredibly awkward time when he talked Seiji into watching a match with him.
“Well… yeah. This is what friends do, isn’t it? Talk, and fence together, and stuff?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t really had a lot of friends.”
Oh fuck. Nicholas feels a pang in his chest, and he just wants to pull Seiji into a soul-crushing hug.
“Too bad. We’re friends now, whether you like it or not. Friends and rivals. Fri-vals, if you will.”
He swears he hears a small chuckle from the other side of the curtain, and it’s the greatest sound he’s ever heard.
“Thanks. For caring.”
“Yeah” He yawns. Even if he wants to talk to Seiji forever, his eyes are practically closing on their own. “Goodnight, Seiji.”
“...Goodnight, Nicholas.”
He’s staring holes into the ducky curtain separating them, as if he could see Seiji on the other side. This entire interaction has only proved that Nicholas is completely, one-hundred-percent, bona-fide whipped.
Remember your secret admirer, he tells himself again begrudgingly, and wills himself to not think about Seiji any longer.
------
The days keep on passing, but Nicholas doesn’t even think about stopping his manhunt. It’s always in the back of his head, no matter what he does. No other leads have popped up, but he’s always on the lookout.
He sits down at the table and opens his book with a sigh. Studies have never been his strong point.
“Seiji. Can I look at your notes for a second.”
Seiji, ever dramatic, huffs a sigh. “If you must.”
“Thanks,” He says quickly, as quickly as he can before he can make a fool out of himself.
His notes are all color-coded and impeccably organized. Nicholas honestly doesn’t know what he expected. He begins to read through the paper quickly, but stops halfway before he can get to the part about the trigonometry theorems.
Oh.
That handwriting looks familiar. The blue ink in this particular section looks familiar, too. Nicholas might be going insane right now. But it could be that his secret admirer and Seiji just had similar handwriting, and both owned blue pens? Could he really be so sure?
Then, Nicholas has a realization. The day after he found the note, Seiji was frantically looking for something. It had never registered in his mind that the mystery item could be his note.
His heart stops. God, he’s so stupid, and wait, Seiji is actually his secret admirer- how could he be sostupidthesignswereallthere-
“Seiji!” He shouts. He doesn’t care that he’s severely red, or that he’s being loud right now. This is very urgent.
Seiji looks up from his book. “Nicholas, this is a library, be qui-”
“Come with me,” Nicholas blurts. Oh god, he’s going with the flow, and the flow is a stream during torrential rainfall. He grabs Seiji by the wrist before he can react and pulls him out of the library.
Seiji is sputtering for the entire time Nicholas is pulling him along to their room. He doesn’t blame him- it’s not his fault that Nicholas is an impulsive disaster.
“What do you need?!” Seiji presses out, exasperatedly.
“To talk to you.”
“Could we not have done this outside? You made such a large scene.”
“Yeah, well, this is private.”
“ So what is it? ”
He rummages behind his pillow and pulls out the note that he’s spent so many long nights looking at, unfolding it carefully along the worn lines.
“You. You wrote this. And you lost it, right?” He thrusts the note towards Seiji, forcing him to look at its contents.
If he wasn’t sure his secret admirer was Seiji before, his reaction pretty much confirmed his suspicions. Nicholas stares at Seiji’s perfect, porcelain face as it flashes through several different emotions. First, his eyes widen into dinner plates, and then he goes a little paler (if that’s even possible,) and then he makes a poor effort of trying to revert back to his classic calm composure.
“I- have no idea what you’re saying.”
“Look, I know that’s a lie. Your handwriting is the same.
“Nicholas, I will not get wrapped up in your soap opera love note story.”
“The ink is the same, too.”
“Can you even hear yourself-”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Nicholas exclaims, throwing his arms up, “Just admit it so I can say I like you too!”
“You- What?! ”
They lapse into an awkward silence for a moment, both boys getting redder by the second. This is an entire trainwreck, and not at all how Nicholas envisioned confronting his secret admirer. Or confessing to Seiji, for that matter.
“Oh, fuck it,” Nicholas grumbles, throwing the accursed note onto his bed and closing the distance between them quickly. Seiji is just as rigid as Nicholas expected, arms hovering above Nicholas’ back, not sure what to do. Gradually, he becomes more pliant in Nicholas’ embrace, only separating when they can’t breathe any longer.
“I’ve liked you,” Seiji says hesitantly, looking properly winded, “I think I have for a long time.” His hair is sticking up in odd places instead of lying down like one steady wave, and there’s a dusting of pink across his face. Instead of the usual glare, his gaze has softened into something more bashful. Nicholas thinks he looks much better like this.
“Yeah,” Nicholas smiles, wrapping his arms around Seiji again. “I have, too.”
----
Somewhere in between, Nicholas starts laughing. Hysterically, almost. He must look insane.
Seiji quirks an eyebrow. “What?” They’re lying in a bed now (is it his or Seiji’s?) curled around each other, making up for all the time that they missed.
“Oh, it’s just,” He manages within breaths, “I was getting nervous that I wouldn’t be giving my secret admirer a proper chance because I realized I had a crush on you,” He laughs. “And it turned out to be you all along... I was so worried.... “
Seiji smiles, genuinely, not like those smirks that he wears when he throws an insult or when he wins 15-0. It’s a sight to behold. Nicholas wants to see more of them. “Well, you don’t have to worry about it anymore.”
“I’m relieved. And I’m really happy that I didn’t have to choose.” He sighs. “What was up with the letter, anyways?”
Seiji pauses and furrows his eyebrows. “When I can’t handle something, I usually fence to take my mind off of it.” He looks like he’s getting flustered again. “I tried to fence my feelings for you away, but it never worked. You just kept coming back. I had no idea how else to deal with it.”
“So you wrote the letter and lost it,” Nicholas teases, which awards him a shove from Seiji.
“I really had no idea that it ended up in your hands. I looked everywhere for it.”
“Apparently, Aidan found it on the ground and taped it to the door because he thought it would be funny.”
“That is absolutely ridiculous.”
“What a dick, right?”
Seiji snorts. “I guess we don’t have anyone else to thank but him, though.”
“Over my dead body.”
This is so nice, Nicholas thinks. They’re cradled in each other’s arms, close together in the room that they share, and no one else can reach them.
He’s finally found his secret admirer, and he couldn’t be happier.
-----
The next morning rolls around, though Nicholas wishes he could just stay in bed with Seiji all day.
"You look very happy," Bobby remarks cheerily. "Did you get any further with the case?"
"Yeah. I cracked it," Nicholas grins.
“Spill.” He sees fire-or is it sparkles?- in Bobby’s eyes.
“Um, oh, he’s coming over right now.”
Just as he finishes his sentence, Seiji slides next to Nicholas silently, with his tray of abhorrent healthy breakfast in hand (seriously, how does he stomach the green sludge?)
Before Bobby’s jaw can drop any further, he adds on gleefully,
“So anyways, we have an ice cream date on Saturday, and I was hoping to make use of that makeover you had planned for me.”
------