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Prologue
Can Adam have Tommy?
This was the question on his mind when he stood up from the bench in Kiev, gave Tommy an insecure, frightened look, and backed away. At the time, what he was hearing wasn’t exactly what Tommy was saying to him, or after a few steps farther, shouting at him. It was his own conscience screaming at him in his head. It was the answer to the question.
“No, you can’t.
You don’t deserve Tommy, and you know it. You can’t just barge in his hotel room, disturb his quiet afternoon, and make him accept you. You’re gonna hurt him. Worse than how you hurt Sauli. Or was it how Sauli hurt you?”
Adam didn’t know. He was so confused. His heart was full of both old and new scars, his head overflowing with what ifs, fear and anger.
What if Tommy realized he just went through an emotional daze - that he can’t be with a man?
Fear at being with Tommy. Could Adam fuck it up? Sure he could. But he really couldn’t. Fucking up this thing with Tommy would’ve been his end. He couldn’t lose him.
He was angered by himself, by this stupid, stupid universe that couldn’t give him his love and just make him perfectly happy without so much drama. No, the love of his life had to turn out to be straight, and he had to suffer, didn’t he?
While turning his back on Tommy, and fleeting to his hotel room to spend the rest of his life hiding from the cruel world, Adam thought maybe Tommy was right. He was such a perfectionist. He just couldn’t do something that he knew he wouldn’t be able to do perfectly.
Was he depriving himself of Tommy’s love just because he was too much of a perfectionist?
That’s the question on his mind, now. Like every other night of the past few months, he’s stumbling through it, with a big bottle of alcohol in one hand, and a bigger stash of weed in the other. It’s not too bad. He’s so drunk out of his head that he doesn’t even remember his own name. The random face he’s fucking for the night morphs into a blond, pretty boy’s face, and he doesn’t remember his name, either.
He just keeps pounding and pounding, his nerves on edge, grinning hysterically at the boy, until all the images in front of his eyes melt into the images in the back of his head, and he’s crying indistinct words in his ear while he comes.
Slowly, he opens his eyes. There’s a buzz of blond hair right in front of his nose, the similarity to Tommy’s hair so disturbing that he jerks back and stumbles. His breath catches, his gasp dying in his throat when he sees the face in front of him. He wonders if someone actually poured a bucket of ice water on his head, because he feels way more sober than he was five seconds ago.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
“I, uhh, I just ... I thought you said…”
“Get the hell outta my house!!”
Sauli’s eyes widen in surprise, like he can’t believe what he’s hearing at all. Exactly the same way Adam can’t believe what he’s seeing.
“What the fuck, Adam? We’re not in your house! Why are you acting like a jerk? You were … Why did you change suddenly?”
Sauli is looking at him with a deep frown, obviously very confused and frustrated. Adam looks around and immediately realizes that they’re not in his house. They’re in the damn private room of the club. He backs up from the table, on which he apparently was fucking Sauli. Why the fuck is he fucking Sauli?
“Did you roofie me?”
Sauli gets up from the table, finally. He hasn’t come, his hard dick hanging pitifully in front of his naked body, and it seems like he has no intention of putting on his clothes that have ended up randomly around the room. He just steps closer to Adam. “Of course not. What are you saying? Why should I do that? Come on, baby.”
Adam flinches. He doesn’t need his hand touching him any more than it already has. “Don’t.”
“Why? What is it? We were fucking a minute ago. What happened? Come on, finish me so we can go back home. I’m so tired; you have no idea how much I miss our room -our bed. God, I can jump into that soft bed of ours and sleep for a whole week! Come on, Adam. It’s my turn. I’m, uhh … I need your hand.“
“Back off! If you wanted to sleep in my bed, you would’ve kept it in your pants while you were back in Helsinki, instead of cheating on me, you asshole!”
Adam is really frustrated now. What the hell has he done? What the fuck is he doing here with Sauli? Did he tell him they were gonna get back together? It’s impossible. His head hurts like hell, and he doesn’t remember anything he’s done tonight. The last thing he remembers is when he was back on the dance floor, when Todd showed up, giving him that flirtatious grin, and shoving the new shit in his hand.
That’s it. The bastard has been going at him for a while now, always demanding more than money for whatever he sells him. Apparently, he finally decided to slip him something strong enough to bend his will, except that Sauli was the lucky guy who approached him first. Adam guesses buying joints from a guy who has a crush on him was a very bad idea. But finding anyone who doesn’t have a crush on him is harder than it seems. He’s doomed.
Sauli doesn’t try to touch him anymore; he just keeps staring at him with this fearful, vulnerable look on his face, like he’s praying to god that Adam would get high again and take him back. Too bad god doesn’t approve of drugs.
“Adam, please!” he whines. “I’ll do anything you want. Anything you say. I swear I won’t cheat on you, ever. I’ll just love you and be with you.”
Adam shakes his head and starts walking around the room, throwing Sauli’s clothes at him.
“Adam, don’t. Please,” he begs. “I’ll never ask for anything. I’ll never stop you. You can do whatever you wanna do. I swear. I’ll even let you fuck other guys. Please, Adam, I just need you, ok? Please just tell the press we’re back together.”
Adam stops dead, suddenly, and glares back at Sauli’s face, eyes wide. Sauli throws himself at Adam, looking him in the eyes with painful sadness. “Adam, you’re my only hope. Just tell them, ok? Any way you want this, I’m ok with it. If you don’t want me to live with you, I’ll find a place. If… “ He lowers his head “If you wanna have an affair, with anyone …”
“Shut up!” Adam pushes him away. “I don’t need your permission to do what I wanna do anymore! You have no right to give me orders.“
Sauli grabs him, and pleads. “Look at me, Adam. You were telling me we could go back to being little lovebirds again. You said we could be together for life. I asked you if I could move in, and you said you wanted me to do that tonight! What... What happened?”
“I was drugged, for fucks sake! “ Adam struggles to push Sauli away. “Look, if you don’t want a repetition of what happened at Don’t Tell Mama, let me go now, or I’ll be the one who calls the cops this time! Leave me alone, ” Adam shouts, opening the door, running as fast as he can.
He’s tapping his pockets, making sure he didn’t leave anything behind in that damn private room when he sees Todd. They’re still in the backroom, lights dim and dark around the edges. Todd is getting fucked by the trick of the night, panting and moaning softly.
“What the fuck did you give me tonight? You bastard, you nearly ruined my whole life!” Adam shouts at him through the deep music. Todd gives him that flirtatious grin again while getting pounded into the wall by the big jock. “I gave you the Elixir of Love, Love, Love, baby! Do you like it? I promise I’ll give you more tomorrow night, if you’ll go to that damn VIP private room with me this time, instead of that lizard.”
Looks like Adam’s been fucking twinks in this club for too long. Everybody is talking about how he chooses a different boy every night and fucks them so deliciously in the luxurious room. The room is literally his, now. So much so that he almost thought he was in his own house when he was with Sauli in there tonight. He grimaces subconsciously. The idea of Sauli as a character that still reminds him of his home is so disturbing that he suddenly discovers why he hates his house and can’t stand spending even one night in there while he’s sober anymore. He has to move.
Michael Novotny, the cute brunette, stumbles into the backroom then. He gives Adam the smile that he always recognizes as a fan’s shy smile, and then looks at Todd. “Hey, Todd, how’s it goin’?”
Todd grins back at him. “Fine, man.” And he goes back to moaning his head off.
Adam nods at Mikey, thinking he’s probably here to find that hot lad, Brian Kinney. He’s heard about them from Todd - of how they’ve been friends and in love with each other for years. When he’d asked if they’re together, Todd had given him another one of his trademark suggestive grins and said, “You think they’d still be friends if they’d ever fucked? Relationships wreck the best friendships, man. That’s why when you really wanna have someone around forever, you should desexualize them in your head as soon as possible.” Adam didn’t know how a stupid drug dealer had such an insight on love and friendship, but his opinion seemed legit.
While he’s leaving Babylon, the third question pops into Adam’s head.
Would being with Tommy be the start of losing him for good?
Scared
One day soon I'll hold you like the sun holds the moon
And we will hear those planes overhead
And we won't have to be scared
Civil Twilight
It’s afternoon, a gloomy, silent afternoon in January. Adam has already gone through his daily routine. It’s been a while now. Every day he puts on his disguise and takes a cab to come here. He’s very careful, making sure to get out of the cab a few blocks away from his destination and walking the rest of the way stealthily, so if any nosy pap is following, he loses him and they won’t find out where he’s going. He has a secret passage now.
He has also given himself his daily lecture starting with how he can’t not do this. He has no other way. He has to do this even if it kills him, and continuing with how he knows he’s the one who should make the first step, because he’s the one who destroyed it, so he must fix it, and ending with cursing himself. His stupid conscience is starting to scream at him in exactly the same words from almost 10 months ago. Of how wrong this is, how he can’t have this, he should just back off, and Adam’s self-esteem screaming back, louder and angrier, that he will die if he stops hoping, because he needs this, needs him.
And that’s how he finds himself here, in Burbank. It’s the fourteenth day that he’s come here, to stand on this exact spot. Right in front of Tommy’s door. Clutching his fist around a red rose and staring nervously at the wood that’s separating him from what he wants, what he wishes he had so badly, but he doesn’t dare to claim it, doesn’t know how to just… have it.
Today is no different than the last thirteen. He can’t do this. He’ll never do this. Maybe his conscience is right. Maybe Todd was right. Maybe Tommy had been right. Yeah. He should go back. Like the last thirteen days, he should back off, walk the way he came, take out his phone and call the cabby to come back and get him. He shouldn’t be too far anyway. By now the guy must’ve figured out that Adam never takes long. And just like the last thirteen days, the whole way home he’s gonna be telling himself that he won’t come back tomorrow, this is stupid. He should forget it altogether.
Yeah, today he won’t even linger around the house. He won’t hide in the bushes and keep watch, hoping to get a glimpse of the small figure. He won’t look up at the huge pear tree and smile, remembering Kiev. He’s not here to stay. He’s here to remember why he isn’t here, why he has to go. It’s like he is in that stage of love, where he doesn’t want to believe he’s lost his love forever, yet.
His love is choking on its last breath.
A loud noise breaks his train of thoughts. He stares at the door in horror, expecting it to open, and expose him - the biggest fool on the planet - but it doesn’t. Instead, the noises continue. Muffled curses can be heard, too. Adam recognizes Tommy’s voice, and there’s a girl’s voice, too. He freezes, eyes wide. In the past thirteen days he’s never heard anything from inside the house. It’s always quiet and calm in the Ratliff residence. And a girl’s voice means - Adam blinks - a girlfriend, right?
Not necessarily. Adam’s heart doesn’t have the time to accept that possibility, or his confused brain can’t come up with a reason why if she’s Tommy’s girl the happy couple are screaming curses at each other and throwing shit around. Footsteps and muffled sounds of a tussle get closer to the door, so Adam stops thinking, and escapes.
He’s just landed himself in the bushes, behind the thick bough of the pear tree, when the door opens forcefully, revealing Tommy, who’s pulling the girl out of the house. He’s not shouting or saying anything. His face is contorted in effort to pull the stubborn girl towards the garage.
Adam sharpens his gaze on her. She is pretty and curvy, her thick fingers adorned with different rings. Adam listens to her screams and suddenly he knows who she is.
Tommy lets her go near the garage. His face is red and sweaty, his hair plastered all over it. The smirk on his face a big contrary to the obvious state he’s in.
“Now you know what an abusive boyfriend is like, huh?” He ignores her cries. “At least next time you can give them a more believable story. Except,” he makes a face, “that I’ve never been your boyfriend, have I?” He pushes her toward the car that’s parked in front of the garage. “Have I? No! If I’m not your boyfriend, how could I be a possessive one? How could I cheat?” His shaky voice is so high that Adam shivers. Tommy opens the car door and tries to get her in but she pushes him on the ground.
She goes down after him, sitting on his knees, watching out to make sure no one is around to see this mess. Tommy puts his arm firmly on her chest, keeping her away. She stares into his eyes, struggling to get near his face while whispering under her breath. When she sees she can’t do much, she stands up and goes back to the car. He’s getting up, while making sure she’s leaving, when she looks back at him and shouts, “And you would be really stupid if you think Adam’s gonna ask you out!”
If Adam were standing when she said that, he’d be collapsing now. His head feels like a small container that can’t hold all the shit happening here. It’s like if he cocks his head, all of it is going to pour down around him. He hides his face in the bushes and listens to the sound of the engine of Liz’s luxurious car fade away.
Tommy looks like he’s going to collapse, too. He looks tired, and very, very angry. He’s looking around, giving a devilish leer to the old woman who’s looking over the gate at him nosily. He looks so strange, so delicately strong, that Adam wonders why Tommy would need him. Why would he wait for him to ask him out? Tommy’s a grown man. He doesn’t need to be protected. But Adam knows he needs Tommy.
He’s wondering if he can go to Tommy right now and tell him he needs him, when he sees him coming towards the pear tree, gaze fixed on where Adam is sitting. Adam freezes, sitting still and hiding as much as he can. But Tommy starts talking directly at him. “Looks like whoever sold you the ticket never told you on which day the show’s on, did he?” He stands right above Adam, looking him right in the eye through the branches and leaves of the bushes. “That’s why you’ve lingered here patiently like a good passionate fan of drama for the past thirteen days.” He grabs the front of Adam’s shirt with his right hand roughly, and pulls him up. Adam feels his power through his hand, then his voice. “But he told you the time of it precisely! Didn’t he?” He holds Adam by his shirt, staring into his eyes, and his eyes are so full, so shockingly perceptive that Adam automatically figures out that he has lost yet another battle. Tommy’s eyes are telling him what he forgot to recall this whole time, a question way more important than all the ones that came to his mind while he was drowning in seas of alcohol and cum.
What if Tommy needs Adam as much as Adam needs him?
Tommy’s eyes are oceans of muddy sorrow, his breath silent while he keeps himself from sobbing, his hand loosening when his eyes start to betray him. When Adam goes to grab him, he escapes, puts the taste of rejection in Adam’s mouth, exactly the way he put in Tommy’s, months ago.
“Show’s over,” he mumbles quietly, while turning to go back in. Adam runs ahead, blocking him. Tommy looks up, but Adam doesn’t say anything. It’s like all the words have left him.
He looks down, opening his palm and bringing it up. Tommy sees the rose. While staring at it, Adam says, “So you saw me come here every day, and let me go? “ His heart is dropping when he looks at Tommy, and puts the lively rose in his hand.
When Adam’s hand touches his, Tommy looks at it carefully, answering quietly, “Yeah, I did”
“You didn’t say anything. Didn’t you even get curious a bit? You don’t want me here, do you?” Adam’s lost.
“I -I don’t… know, “ Tommy stutters, his breath leaving him rapidly. “I was scared… “His face is red. It’s like he doesn’t want to be here, doesn’t want to talk about this. “What if I came out and said something and ...” He stares into Adam’s eyes. “You would leave anyway. I know. “His voice is quiet. He starts to walk past Adam. Adam grabs him to stop him. Tommy flinches angrily and doesn’t let Adam start. “Fuck off!” His wet eyes flash at Adam. “Leave me alone. What do you want from me?” He throws the rose, and it falls down on the ground. “Go back to your precious boys, to your “Rakastan Sinua Sauli”, what the fuck are you doing here?” He rushes to the door.
Adam’s eyes widen, his brain slow to process what he just heard. He runs after Tommy and shouts “What the fuck? Hey, hey, wait!! Wait a minute!! Dammit, what are you talking about? You know I broke up with him, why would I go back to Sauli? Tommy!”
“What?!” They’re standing by the front door, Adam desperately trying to keep Tommy from running in and hiding, Tommy looking at him with this tired, disgusted look on his face. Adam says, “Please. We should talk. I’ve been looking for this opportunity for two weeks! Please give me a chance.”
Tommy whispers, “Why don’t you just leave me be? I don’t want anything to do with you. we're done. ” He looks at Adam impatiently.
Adam peers at his face. He hates himself. He hates his stupid conscience. He hates the universe. Tommy starts to leave again when Adam grabs him and whispers, “You know we’re not.” He turns his head and looks at the rose resting on the cold dirty pavement. He doesn’t know why, but suddenly he trusts Tommy not to run and hide if he loosens his grip on him. He leaves him by the door and goes to pick up the rose from the ground.
The house is quiet and cold when he steps in with Tommy. The hallway so dark that it’s like Tommy’s leading him into a cave. There are no lights on in the living room. The dim light of the January afternoon tumbles through the windows, casting a halo around the black furniture. But he suddenly feels safe in the small space. He hasn’t been here that much, but sitting on the couch, in front of the TV now, he feels more at home here than he feels at his own house. He wants to stay here, savor Tommy’s dark, warm aroma that’s lingering through the air in his lungs. He glances over at Tommy, comparing the house to its owner, and he understands the harmony between them.
Tommy is picking up different things from the ground - some broken dishes, some scattered CDs. The girl sure has done a number on him. He dumps them all in some corner and leaves them for now, coming and sitting on the farthest chair from where Adam is sitting. He stares at Adam for a few moments, and Adam can’t help but stare back, trying to figure out what’s happening behind those eyes. Then Tommy picks up the remote abruptly, and turns the TV on. Adam’s confused. He thought Tommy was gonna let him talk and get this over with sooner rather than later. He turns his head and looks at the TV. It’s CNN, and Tommy doesn’t change the channel. Adam wonders if Tommy’s just looking for an excuse to ignore him.
It’s a report about some fights between people. Nothing new there. Some violent idiots can’t tolerate anything even for one day in this world. But then something catches Adam’s eyes on the screen.
“Kiev!?” He gasps. Leaning forward and staring at the huge crowd fighting rabidly with the police, and when the screen changes into shots of the smoke gathering in the sky of the city, Adam’s eyes widen. He looks back at Tommy, to see what his reaction is, only to find him watching the ongoing war on the screen contentedly. No sign of emotions on his face.
Adam looks back and asks “What the fuck is happening in Kiev?” He stares in horror at the people getting kicked and shot, then looks back at Tommy, who slowly lets his eyes move from the TV to Adam.
“What the fuck do you think is happening here, Adam?” That makes Adam go quiet, as images of blond curls, and a big bright Ukrainian smile fills his head. Tommy stands up, goes and gathers the stuff from the corner and disappears in the kitchen.
Adam watches the screen, not focusing, just letting the horrific images roll around in front of his eyes, as those approving smiles come to his mind. How did everything turn upside down so fast?
Tommy comes back, a tall glass vase in his hand. In the vase is a vibrant, fresh red rose that looks so similar to the Depeche Mode tattoo on his forearm that it makes Adam stare at the colorful ink on his pale skin for a moment. Tommy puts the vase in the middle of the coffee table and sits down, returning Adam’s gaze. Adam’s eyes shift to the rose in the vase. Then he looks down at his own in his hand. When he looks up he finds Tommy looking at it too. He reaches forward and slides it in the vase, by the other one.
For a few minutes, they just sit there and stare at the two roses in the vase, listening to the sound of screams and gunshots going off on the screen, the reflection of the fast flashes of light moving on the crystal glass.
Finally Adam whispers, “She never told us they wouldn’t wilt.” He looks at Tommy’s eyes.
“You want them to, don’t you?” Tommy asks under his breath. “Then they will.” He drops his eyes. “I just don’t understand why you’re here?”
“What the fuck do you even mean?” Adam asks aloud, then regrets it immediately. No matter how worked up he is right now, this is not about him.
“You know, “ Tommy answers simply. “We don’t have anything to talk about, unless it’s about band stuff, which it isn’t, unless you wanna move your practice studio to my house,” he jokes, with no humor in his voice.
Adam whispers quietly, “You’re right,” and then louder, “and I’m grateful that I can still talk to you, even if it’s just about new songs to cover. I am.”
“Ok then. Tell me what song you want, and I’ll be ready by Monday. Then you can leave.”
Adam doesn’t move. He’s staring so deeply at the plush carpet, it’s like he’s talking to it.
“Why did you stay?” He keeps his voice low. “You could leave. You could get rid of me forever. “
Tommy hesitates, doesn’t say anything. That makes Adam look up from the carpet, to see him looking at him with that shaken gaze. “I’m sorry, but you’ll have to fire me.”
Adam frowns; something in his throat starts to shake. “You think I’d do that? You think I can do that?” He’s never seen Tommy like this, so tense. He scoots closer to him and looks at him deeply. “Tommy! How could you think I can let you go?! Look at me! What’s changed between us so much that you can’t trust me, even with your job anymore?”
“You really don’t know?” Tommy’s gaze lands on him, but there’s no real fervor behind it. Like he doesn’t even want to know what Adam has to say. He just keeps gazing at him wearily.
Some woman cries on the screen, her broken voice makes Adam look back at it. He whispers, “I do.”
Tommy’s shaky hand grabs the remote and shuts the television off, the sudden silence making his hissing breaths palpable in the room. Adam keeps staring at the blank screen and continues, “I just didn’t know this would get so hard after… I didn’t know how you’d …” He cuts off himself.
Tommy keeps his face straight, wipes the lone tear off his cheek, and struggles to get the next words out. “Yeah… Of course you didn’t. You did it on the spur of the moment like everything else. You never think before you do shit to me. I guess it’s time for me to get used to it.”
“I’ve been working with you and friends with you for four years. That’s no quick decision.”
“That’s all changed now”
Adam turns back to him, asking forcefully, “What? What’s changed? Just because my conscience wouldn’t let me live with using your emotions for my own desires doesn’t mean everything’s over!”
Tommy gives a bitter smile. “So, that’s what you call it now? That’s all the explanation you’re gonna give for leaving with my hands still grabbing the air behind you, where you confessed your undying love and kissed me and made all those empty promises?” He’s not shouting, or screaming like a girl or any diva would. His tone is calm, like he’s cracking a sarcastic joke. But in his eyes lies all the coldness. He shakes his head tiredly. “I don’t wanna hear your stupid excuses. We’re past that. I know you like I know the back of my hand. I know that if you really want something, nothing can stop you from having it, not even your wonderful conscience.” He lets out a sighing breath. “You don’t need to explain to me why you don’t want this. So why don’t you go away already?” The tension leaves his body slowly as he rests his head on the back of the seat, his eyes half-closed, the dark circles getting more visible on the soft skin under his eyes.
Adam swallows a sob and pleads, “You still don’t know how I deal with something that I want, but I don’t know how to have it. I don’t know if I’m allowed to have it. You don’t know.”
“We’ve already had this conversation. I told you how! I told you I wanted it, too. And once I laid it all out, what did you do? Left me there hanging on like a fool.”
“I’m sorry.” He hesitates, looking at Tommy’s motionless form, his heart hurting at seeing him looking so drained. “You wanna know why I’m here? I came for this. To say I’m sorry, Tommy.” He leans forward, putting his hand on Tommy’s, gently. “Forgive me? I’m the biggest fool on the planet to leave you there like that. Please …”
Tommy doesn’t even flinch. He says in monotone, “Kiev is dead, Adam. With it died all the little princesses with undying red roses in their hands. Now please go back to your precious Helsinki, would you?”
“Stop giving me that sarcastic smart ass attitude! I’m talking to you! I’m trying to fix this, can’t you see? And why do you keep mentioning that bitch? Who said I want anything to do with him?”
Tommy throws his head back and laughs, the driest bitter laugh. “Pot, kettle, Lambert! You’re no better than that bitch, and I think everybody in West Hollywood knows that already.”
Adam swallows and looks away. He can’t believe how this conversation is making him hurt more and more every second. “You…” His words die on his tongue.
“Yeah, I know you’ve been fucking everything that moves. I think by now the whole world knows. Not in detail, but enough to keep them talking.”
Adam’s lips are pursed. He can’t come up with anything to say. Tommy continues, “Although, maybe they’ve found something else to talk about in the last fourteen days.”
“At least I’m single. I’m not cheating on my boyfriend while he’s waiting for me to go back to him in another country.”
Tommy takes a deep breath. “You never believed that shit, so why won’t you stop calling him a cheating bitch in front of me? You think that’d make me feel better about it?” There’s a lopsided smirk on his lips when he glances back at Adam.
“What the fuck are you talking about? Make you feel better about what?” Adam realizes that half of this conversation isn’t even making sense to him. “What’s gotten into your head, Tommy Joe?”
Tommy snorts at the mention of his full name, an angry edge to the way he holds himself as he stands up and goes back in the kitchen. Adam is so confused. He’s considering going to see what he’s doing there when Tommy returns, trashcan in hand. He’s digging in the dry garbage when he suddenly pulls something out and dumps it in front of Adam. Adam flinches, trying to keep away from the dirty trash, but the torn pieces of a photo attracts his attention to the pile in front of him on the table. He gasps, grabbing some of them and looking at them carefully.
Tommy says, “Now would you stop acting like a regretful little angel and leave me alone, already?”
“He….”Adam can’t believe Sauli did this. He never noticed somebody was taking pics of them that night. “He… I… How did you get these?”
“Oh, so you’re gonna deny it all now? What? Another Photoshop success story? Sorry, but I know he came to Babylon”
“You know?” Adam feels like everything is turning against him, and he can’t do anything. How is he going to earn Tommy’s trust now? He clutches the photo pieces in his shaking hand.
Tommy dumps the trashcan back in the kitchen, and comes back with a glass of water. He offers it to Adam. Adam sips some and then takes the offered tissue from Tommy’s hand, wiping his tears slowly. Tommy sits by him on the couch, looks at him and says, “I don’t care. You shouldn’t either.” He sits back and puts his arms behind his head. “I don’t know if we can get through this with minimum damage to the band. If you can’t handle working with me after this, I understand. Your fans would be happy anyway. They already tweet you enough asking you to fire me.”
“Those are not fans! Those are trolls! Fucking hating bitches! You know my fans love you! This whole thing couldn’t be the same without you!” Adam tries to gain his composure again. “Listen, Tommy, this is not what you think.”
“Ha! Ain’t that the same line every cheater in history uses when they’re caught red handed? But you’re not committed to me; I have no right to be angry at you. And I’m not. I was two weeks ago, but I got over it quickly. It’s been what? Ten months since the last time you broke my heart? Well, you can’t break what’s already broken. Good for me.”
“Tommy, I’m begging you. You have to listen to me.”
“Why? Why am I always the one who should listen?” This time he’s shouting, and Adam considers it a good sign. “Why did I have to listen to you for three years, talking to me about him? From the moment you saw him and fell head over heels, until you decided to cut it off with him, I had to listen to you brag about how awesome and sexy and hot he is, how much you love Sauli, How much you miss him when he goes back to Finland, how much you wish you could fuckin’ marry him! You fucking came to me on the day you broke up with him and poured your heart out, Adam! I’m sick of this. I’m sick of how you expect me to always sit here and wait for you to come to your fuckin’ senses. I don’t wanna listen anymore,” Tommy screams, tears now freely gushing out of his eyes. “And guess what’s even more fantastic? He does it, too! Like I’m a fuckin’ shrink! He comes to me every time he wants to fix something with you. Like I’ve signed up to give free advices on How to Win Adam Lambert Back. He did it when he was dating you and couldn’t bear the demands of your job, and he’s doing it now to make you take him back.” Tommy’s chest is heaving, his shoulders drop along with his head. He starts fidgeting angrily.
“Please fire me.” His quiet voice is rough from screaming and crying at the same time. “I can’t live like this anymore. I can’t look at your face anymore. I can’t live with being around you when he comes back and starts prancing around with you.” His sobs turn into deep, shaking breaths. “Let me go please, Adam. Let me forget everything. I don’t wanna remember. I just wanna forget how you smashed everything I’d built for four years, and went back to him.” He looks up into Adam’s eyes, his whole body shaking. Adam’s never seen Tommy so distressed. His brown eyes are wide and miserable when he says, “The only thing I wanna remember is the good memories.” Adam watches heavy pools of tears forming in those eyes. “I just wanna remember that day on that bench, that feeling … Like we were flying when you loved me for one moment in my life. I just wanna keep that moment and let everything else go.” He palms his face and starts sobbing quietly in his hand.
Adam doesn’t dare touch him, everything racing in his head. He can’t process what’s happening, what’s Sauli done? He looks at Tommy longingly, the strong shoulders shaking in front of him. He wishes he could hug him and comfort him. Tommy is one of the most important people in his life. The only guy who doesn’t want him for fame or money. The one who put up with his attitude all these years, and look what he did to him.
Tommy is wiping his tears away, swallowing hard, visibly. His soft, blond hair is all over the place, and there’s a redness surrounding his eyes. He’s breathing deeply and staring at the ground, hard sobs escaping his throat every few seconds, while he grits out, “Fuckin’ turned me into a fuckin’ chick!”
“Tommy…”
Tommy whips his head up suddenly, and Adam gasps at the bare, raw pain in his eyes. “What are you sitting here for anymore?” He’s not speaking firmly; he just seems very tired.
Adam scoots closer slowly, and says “I need you. I know. I’ll always need you. I can’t lose you, baby. Let me fix this. Let’s get past this. “
“You wanna torture me more?” He seems on the verge of crying again.
“No! Please listen to me one last time before you decide anything. I wanna love you.”
“You wanna?” Tommys gives his bitter smile again. “But you don’t. And I’m not gonna beg for it anymore”
“No. I’m the one begging here. And if you don’t accept, I’m gonna beg more until you do.”
“You think I should believe you?” Tommy’s lips twitch. “Yeah, sure. Just like how I did last time”
“This is different than last time. Last time I didn’t know where we stood. The whole thing was so new and unbelievable for me. I was so far in my own perception of your heterosexuality that your confession blew me away! I’d just broken up, and I was emotionally not ready for this. Tommy, you have to believe. All the things I told you in Kiev were true. I fell for you the moment I saw your face in the audition. I had Drake, but I couldn’t help fantasizing about you. You were this sexy, funny guy, who seemed to be so oblivious of your own appeal. You just… slid in my arms like it was the most natural thing to do. I’ve never experienced what I have with you with anyone else. I never forgot the moment you told me about Delmy.” Adam looks away, remembering that day, chuckling. “I was so frustrated. I actually considered getting up in her face, or something.” He smiles, looking at Tommy’s face, to find him with that hurt expression still lingering on his face. “The more I got to know you, the more attached I got. I missed you 24/7. I even tweeted you about it! Do you remember New York?”
Tommy answers slowly, “I remember everything, you sweet talker.” Then he goes quiet again.
Adam sighs. “I wish things were as easy as then”
“Yeah… At least you called me sometimes. Sometimes we hung out together. What now? You tweet me once a year, with just a different number of exclamation marks at the end of your *Happy Birthday*, and I don’t even remember the last time we went out together.”
“’m sorry, baby. It just hurt to be around you. The memories of Kiev wouldn’t leave me.”
“Hah, yeah. The memory of the one afternoon you had with me hurts so much, but fucking your supposedly cheating ex doesn’t?”
Adam dares to put his hand on Tommy’s knee firmly. Tommy looks back at him, a serious glint in his eye reflecting Adam’s, who says, “Would you tell me exactly what Sauli did? You said he came to you? For advice on getting me back?”
“Well, yeah, and he succeeded, so why does this story matter to you now?”
“You think if he’d succeeded, I’d camp out of your house for fourteen days?”
“But in those photos you’re camping in his face, so…”
“Tommy!”
Adam lets go of his knee slowly and says. “Would you believe me if I tell you the whole thing was a drug induced mistake? The moment I recognized his face, I ran.”
“Why should I believe you?”
“Because I’m here now. After I left Sauli in the damn room in Babylon that night two weeks ago, I never went back. I couldn’t. I couldn’t live in my own skin, knowing what I’d done to you, what I’d been doing to myself. I knew I had to fix this, or I’d finally OD or some shit. I probably hadn’t been fully sober for a full twenty-four hours in the last ten months because I can’t. I can’t even live in my own house. I hate it. “ Adam rubs his temple stressfully. “I guess it wasn’t a bad thing, after all. Fucking Sauli, I mean. Not that I knew who I was fucking. I was fantasizing about you in my head, like I did when I was fucking the rest of them. But… If Sauli hadn’t opened my eyes, I wouldn’t have come to my senses.”
Adam glances at Tommy, to see him gazing at his face thoughtfully, saying, “Didn’t Sauli tell you he came here? It was a few weeks ago. We had dinner, and talked a bit.”
“No. What did he say?”
“At first he talked about how the gossip mags in Finland fucked him over with that cheating stunt. He said the guy sold the made up story for money, that they were never even close friends, let alone lovers. I didn’t know what to say., I seriously had no idea if he was telling the truth or not, so I just listened.”
“Yeah, at the time he’d called me and told me it was a lie too, I believed him. But I don’t know… After this thing in Babylon, I’m so angry at him.”
“I told him about Babylon, actually.”
“You did?”
“He seemed so annoyed that you wouldn’t hang out with him, despite that you said you would stay friends. He told me he still loves you, that he wants to make more free time to be with you, so he can date you again. I just didn’t know why he was saying all that to me. I thought maybe you’ve told him about the thing in Kiev, and he was trying to make sure I’m not a threat?”
“I never told a soul. And I don’t think anyone saw us. The hotel and the street were deserted when we went to the park.”
“Then maybe it was just his previous suspicions. Maybe he still reads too many fanfics.” Tommy sighs.
“So, you told him to come to Babylon to see me?”
“No, I didn’t tell him that. He asked me where he could find you, and I’d heard you’re a regular at Babylon”
“Who told you that?”
“This guy, Brian’s dealer, Todd, once told me he often sees you there.”
Adam puts his hand over his eyes. “Fuckin’ scum. He slipped me the shit that night; I don’t even know what the fuck it was! It was like I was in hell for four hours!”
Tommy purses his lips; looking remorseful. “I thought if you didn’t want me, you probably still loved Sauli. I thought maybe he could make you stop. Todd said you were on your way on getting a STD, the way you fucked a different guy every night.”
“I’m gonna kill him! Fuckin’ douche!”
Tommy is frowning, staring at the crumpled photo pieces on the table. “I still can’t figure out why Sauli sent those pics to me. There was a note in with them, asking if they were good enough, or something.”
“But I know why he wanted me to take him back. I think he wanted to fix his damaged image. He was begging me to tell the press we were back together.”
“But he loves you, Adam. He really cares. It’s not like he tried to pull you down, like Liz did to me. And she wants to get back together, too.”
Adam’s head whips around. “Are you kidding me? She doesn’t deserve to even touch you after what she did!”
Tommy raises a brow and says “And you do? After what you did?”
“I…” Adam starts to defend himself, but stops immediately, he knows he doesn’t. “Yeah, no. That’s why I couldn’t gather the courage to knock on your door for the last fourteen days.”
Tommy stares at Adam. It’s getting dark. The living room is sinking into a vague fog. Adam’s heart is beating fast. He’s staring back at those shining eyes through the last rays of light. He can barely make out Tommy’s face now, when he hears him whisper, “You know I’m not made of stone, right? I might always act chill, like I’m cool with everything, but I’m not a fucking doll.”
“I know.”
“You don’t. You think you can just do whatever you want with me. I’m not just a pretty face that you can play with on stage whenever you need to let your fucking sassy theatrical side out. I’m human, okay?”
This time Adam doesn’t say anything. He just sits in the dark, waiting for Tommy to continue.
“I’m not the theatre kid, you are. It was all real for me. I opened my eyes and found myself in your play, and I had no say. I became that act, that role. I didn’t know any other way to perform it. But for you it was all easy. You could finish your job on stage and go back to your own self in the blink of an eye. But I… I needed more. I didn’t know anything else. I took it to heart.”
Adam hears Tommy shift a little.
“It was like you didn’t even see me, when I was right in front of your eyes. Even after I told you everything… You… How could you? You knew I was sitting here hurting for you, while you were out there partying every night. How could you ignore me?”
Adam’s whisper is barely audible. “I’m sorry. I swear I didn’t take you for granted. I just… “
He stands up, barely seeing Tommy’s shadow now. “I guess I better get going. I shouldn’t have come here, anyway. There’s a reason why I couldn’t get myself to do this for two weeks. I already knew everything between us was too damaged, and I have nothing to fix it.”
Tommy stands up too, his shadow getting close to Adam’s. He doesn’t say anything. Adam falters. He doesn’t know why, though. He’s standing here in front of the person he’s hurt the most in his life. His pupils wide from trying to see him in the absolute darkness, and it’s like he’s glued to the spot. He’s lost count of the times he’s walked away from Tommy. He never had to hesitate before. He always knew this was a better decision for Tommy’s sake. But he’s being selfish now, isn’t he? Tommy’s better off left alone in this dark house, isn’t he? He doesn’t know any more. And it’s not like he has a better situation to go home to. He’s gonna walk to his own dark house, the one that looks like the abandoned love nest of a dead relationship, and feels like a grave for an alive love. He’s starting to step toward the door when he hears the lock click. When did Tommy move? He waits, hearing Tommy’s footsteps come back from the hallway. He listens to his calm breathing when he stops in the entryway of the living room.
“Stay.”
Something clicks, and the room is lightened up at once. He has to close his eyes for a moment, then opens them slowly and stares. It’s the first time he sees Tommy in full light today, and he’s breathtaking. Adam can never get over how handsome Tommy is, but this is different. It’s in the way he’s looking at Adam, with no uncertainty in his eyes. For once, Tommy looks like he wants to handle things his own way.
“Uhh…”
“No. I’m not gonna let you do this anymore. Not gonna be the victim. I’m not waiting until you ask me out. I’m gonna keep you here.” He steps closer and puts his hands on both of Adam’s arms, holding him there. “I’m not leting you go this time.” His eyes don’t leave Adam’s, and he sees that Tommy’s dead serious about this. “You seem like the kinda man that women always refer to as those who’ll go with anyone who throws themselves at them. The ones who suck at keeping one woman happy, cause they can’t ignore the others. You’re no different, except that you’re gay. “
“Well, thank you so much. That means a lot, really.”
“Shut up!”
Tommy pushes him back, makes him sit on the couch, staring dumbly at this new Tommy. This dominant, strong willed man who won’t take any shit.
“You’ll forget all of those dirty sluts. You hear me? Every last one of them.”
There’s a playful glint in Tommy’s eyes when he puts his knees on either side of Adam’s on the couch, still holding his arms firmly. And it makes everything warmer, just a little bit better.
“I don’t know who you’re talking about.” Adam shocks himself with a smile.
Tommy’s lips twitch. “You better not,” he hovers above Adam and continues, “or I won’t forgive you.”
Adam’s heart jumps in his throat. A hot, dizzying happiness spreads throughout his whole being. His hands fly to hold Tommy’s arm, too. If he had any tears left by now, he would be crying again. But he just digs his strong fingers in Tommy’s flesh and says, “What else should I do? Tell me. I’d do anything, baby. Anything.”
He can’t believe this. He’s staring into Tommy’s eyes, and they’re glinting with hope. He feels like he loves this world. He loves everything that led him to this moment. If he didn’t have anything but this one moment in his life, it would be enough.
Tommy’s hands slide up his arms, onto his neck, while Adam’s hands slide down Tommy’s sides, holding his narrow waist softly. Tommy is holding Adam’s face with his rough fingers, and Adam feels his dark, warm aroma getting stronger. It makes his heart thrash in his chest. He stares at Tommy’s bright eyes to keep himself concentrated on his reply.
“Anything?”
“Just name it baby.”
“Don’t leave.”
Adam hesitates, looking at those huge pupils. “I won’t, baby.”
“Promise?”
“Cross my heart.”
This time, Tommy really, really smiles, and all the lights in the room seem dim and dark compared to those eyes that shine with genuine happiness. Adam has never felt more relieved and proud in his life. He wants to bury his whole existence in Tommy’s kind heart and stay there forever. He hugs him tight, pressing him to his chest and breathes him in. They’re both trembling with happiness, and it’s like a double bonus, because Adam knows the reason Tommy is so happy, is this.
This thing.
The thing that’s making them refuse to let go of each other. The thing that makes Tommy want to throw himself in a completely different lifestyle, just to be with Adam. The thing that makes Adam want to take all the risks of rejection. He knows that this is more real than anything he’s ever had before. Because this thing is theirs, and it’s unique.
Tommy pulls back a little and looks at Adam’s smiling face. Adam subconsciously brings a hand up to palm his small face. Tommy closes his eyes, and Adam remembers every night, every kiss, and every heavy beat of Fever pounding deep in his soul. He leans forward slowly, and lets himself taste it. Tommy’s lips taste like years of yearning. Like nights of insomnious longing, days of masochistic resistance. They’re not flying this time. No, they’re walking. Step by step. Breath by breath.
Adam licks the bitter taste of tears off those lips. Tommy smiles against his lips, and that makes Adam dive right in. He’s breathing heavily through his nose, the taste of Tommy’s little tongue making him lose his mind. He cups the back of Tommy’s head in his palm and holds him exactly the way he wants him and brushes his lips all over his.
A forgotten memory rushes to his mind. Under thousands of flashing lights, in front of the whole country. The night everything started. The night everything almost fell apart. His tongue is still playing with Tommy’s when the insecurity hits him again. He pulls back at once.
Tommy’s eyes are closed, the deepest blush making his delicious skin luminescent, his wet lips parted, panting slightly.
Adam stares at him.
Tommy opens his eyes, catching the look on Adam’s face, the worry rushing to his eyes as well.
“What is it?”
Adam can’t answer that exactly. Is he doing the right thing? Tommy is his employee. His friend. His straight guitarist. He can’t turn him. Everybody knows you can’t turn someone gay or bi suddenly. Kissing a straight guy on national TV was bad enough. Trying to change him, though? Is it even possible? But he just promised he wouldn’t leave him, and he knows Tommy loves him. Is it possible for a straight guy to love another guy?
“You’re doing it again, ain’t ya?” Tommy’s words bring him back to the present. “You’re gonna leave me again.” He starts to get up from Adam’s lap. “Knew I was never good at this throwing myself at you thing.”
“Wait.”
Adam doesn’t let Tommy go, holding him close. Tommy looks back at him.
“Why? My time is up, isn’t it?”
Adam brings his hand up, gently brushing his fingers in the silky blond hair. “Did you forget? The door is locked.”
Tommy goes tense in Adam’s hold. “You think I’d lock you in like an obsessive creep?”
Adam shakes his head. “I am locked in.” Slowly he brings Tommy’s small head down and rests it on his chest, inhaling the soothing scent of his hair, his lips brushing it when he whispers, “I locked myself in this, and I can’t escape. Believe me, I don’t wanna. “
“Then why ain’t ya fucking my mouth with your tongue anymore?” Tommy’s hot breath tickles Adam’s skin. Adam lets out a chuckle, tightening his grip on Tommy’s body. A shiver runs through him, as it’s still unbelievable that Tommy is pressed to him from head to toe.
“God! Your mouth pretty kitty… ” He chokes, running his hands all over Tommy’s back and sides. Tommy goes lax is his arms slowly and says, “What’s eating you, Adam? You’re crying again.” He sits up and looks in his eyes. “Tell me, please. You have to let me know what’s wrong.”
Adam leans in and pecks those lips, because he can’t do anything else. He can never reciprocate what Tommy’s doing for him the way he deserves it. His patience through everything that Adam’s done to him is priceless.
They pull back slowly, and Adam wipes escaped tears. “Do you remember our first kiss? The AMA’s?”
Tommy smiles. “Yes.”
“You think those people are gonna understand this?”
“What?”
“Us. Me and You. Gay and straight.”
“Fuck ‘em”
Adam exhales. “It’s not that easy…”
“I don’t care what those homophobes think. They can go fuck themselves. I want you. You want me. We’re together, whether they accept us or not.”
“Do you… really?”
“What?”
“Want me?”
“What the fuck do you mean, even?”
Adam doesn’t know how to say this. This is the bottom line of all the pain they both have gone through. “I’ve gone through things in relationships with straight guys that you don’t have any idea about.”
“Adam…”
“Listen. This shit is serious, ok?” He palms Tommy’s waist tightly. “Before we go any further, you have to be sure you can handle this.”
Tommy looks away, blushing a bit. “I can.”
Adam grabs hold of his face and turns it, looking directly at him, and says, “I’m a man, baby. I don’t have boobs or a vagina. I have a big dick, instead.”
“Ever the humble.” Tommy giggles.
Adam gives a tired smile, the worry not leaving his gaze. “You’re not gonna run when you see it?”
“What kind of question is that? You think just because I’m straight, I’m a dumb kid who doesn’t know what he wants? You think I’ve never seen a dick?”
“You have?” Adam asks, taken aback.
“Well, duh! In case you didn’t notice, I own one, too.”
That reminder distracts Adam for a moment, before he makes himself focus again. “That doesn’t count. It’s different when you’re …”
Tommy breaks in. “I know, ok? I know it’s different, and I’m not saying it’s not gonna be a challenge for me. I had to do research about it, think about it, talk to those who’ve been in my situation before. You know? There are lots of people out there who’ve been straight until they found someone from the same sex they wanted to be with. Most of these experiences started just like ours, full of drama. And there’s no specific proven reason why this happens to some people.”
Tommy sighs. “I don’t know if this is the best situation to give a scientific lecture on the psychology of sexuality, but I can assure you that there’s only one way for me to know if I can be with you or not.”
He turns in Adam’s lap slightly, putting his head back on his chest, fitting it under Adam’s chin. He starts caressing Adam’s soft belly unconsciously and continues slowly. “Walk me through it, with baby steps? But I already told you, deep down, I know I can. I want you; I want all of you. I’ve felt your dick pressed up on my ass before.” His voice gets deeper. “I liked it.”
The way Adam’s temperature jumps a hundred degrees is ridiculous. He takes a moment to breathe, repeating the word “baby steps” to himself.
“Look at me, baby” He puts his large hands under Tommy’s armpits, and turns him to himself. Tommy doesn’t protest, his movements soft and fluid. Something in his eyes has changed when he looks at Adam, like he’s not holding back anything anymore.
“I’m proud of you.” Adam caresses Tommy’s hips gently. “You approached this problem way more sensibly than me. “ He goes quiet for a moment. “We’ll make those baby steps together, baby, I’m here to help you through this however I can. I love you. I wanna trust you. I wanna take this challenge with you, because you’re going through with this for me.”
Tommy smiles. “For us.”
Adam smiles back. “For us.”
Tommy puts his head on his shoulder, and kisses his neck gently. It’s still unbelievable for Adam, like he’s dreaming the best dream of his life, like after years of heartbreak, everything is finally gonna be OK. He turns his head and starts kissing Tommy to make sure it’s not a dream, that there’s hope for them. His love was choking on the last breath, but now it’s come back from the edge of death.
He gets lost in it, in that knowledge. In the reassuring hard thump of Tommy’s heart when he kisses him deeper, in the warmth of his embrace when he pulls Tommy on top of him. He kisses and kisses, every kiss a seal of their love. Tommy’s small hands trying to map out all his body with soft touch, as he pants in his mouth. When he comes up for air, and looks down at Tommy, it hits him.
He’s lying on top of Tommy’s body. He feels every inch of his small hard body under himself. And it’s mind blowing, like he’s standing on top of the world, because Tommy is his world. He doesn’t know if he can make baby steps like this, because he’s losing his mind already.
“God I’m such a fool.” Tommy pants hard. Adam wonders what he’s talking about in this very moment. “Why the fuck did I send Sauli to you, when I could have this all to myself?” His hands tighten around Adam’s waist as he brings himself up to nibble on his neck. Adam moans, feeling the wet texture of his tongue on his skin. He leans down, closing his lips around a pulse point on the pale skin of Tommy’s neck. It’s so soft, like a newborn’s fresh skin. Adam barely keeps himself from breaking it. His hands move up Tommy’s chest, touching the prominent pecs and tiny nipples through the thin fabric of his T-shirt. Tommy moans, and Adam feels himself slowly letting go of the tension and doubt still lingering in his system, getting bolder. He starts kissing every inch of available skin. It’s liberating, being allowed to kiss this rare beauty with no boundaries. And he indulges in it, listening to every tiny noise Tommy makes. It’s like the most natural song of pleasure. He can’t get enough of it.
Tommy’s hands go lax, writhing slightly when he instinctively bucks up. Adam knows Tommy has very responsive hips; it’s like they have a mind of their own. Whenever he gets a bit turned on, they start moving. But this is too sudden. Adam’s not ready for the way he’s feeling Tommy’s cock through his loose pajama pants and his own jeans. He’s not ready to be introduced to Tommy’s dick and balls altogether, because he’s already gone crazy a few times today. He groans aloud, unconsciously rubbing himself back on Tommy, baby steps long forgotten. They’re panting, and rutting on the couch like two teenagers in heat. But isn’t this the best kinda baby step? Every gay boy starts it as a teen, so maybe Adam’s not screwing it up completely.
“Adammmm…” Tommy purrs, his hips moving rhythmically with Adam’s now. Adam’s feeling them both getting hard from it, and he really has no idea what he should do.
“Baby…” he replies. Tommy turns his head and opens his eyes to look at him; the black pupils seem huge in the small blushing face.
“Ahh… Adam…” His broken moan makes Adam’s cock twitch in his jeans. His fingers are raking all over Tommy’s clothes, almost tearing them. His lips are swollen from kissing, just like Tommy’s. He knows this is the point of no return, so he pulls back completely, standing by the couch. Tommy whines, his big eyes confused, looking at him.
Adam stretches his hands to take Tommy’s. “Come on, baby. Bedroom, now.”
Tommy stands on shaky legs, his hard cock visible through his loose pants. Adam doesn’t know how, but for the first time since his teen years, he feels proud of himself for being able to get someone hard. It’s easy for him now that he can make some people come in their pants with just a look, but making a straight, gorgeous man hard with just a rutting session through his clothes, makes him preen.
As soon as they reach the bedroom, Tommy attacks his clothes, and that’s when Adam remembers his duty. He steps back from Tommy, grabbing his hands and pulling them back gently.
“I wanna see you… “Tommy whines, but doesn’t put up that much fight.
Adam says “Baby steps, baby.” Tommy stops and stands there, waiting for Adam’s order. He’s adorable. Hair disheveled, make up smeared, arms loose at his sides, head hanging low, slightly, like a puppy. Adam can’t resist. He gathers him in his arms and kisses the soft puffed up cheeks hard, biting and licking like a hungry dog. Tommy laughs cutely, making purring noises. They laugh so much that by the time Adam stops eating Tommy’s face literally, wetness has rushed to their eyes, making them shine with excitement. Tommy is still pulling Adam’s T-shirt forcefully, so he gives up and lets him take it off. It’s nothing Tommy’s never seen. In fact, the only body part of Adam he hasn’t seen is the one that’s straining against his zipper, painfully. But this is different, and Tommy stares at the freckles, before bringing his rough fingers to touch Adam’s soft belly and chest. Adam’s never been very comfortable with his body image, but there’s nothing except admiration in Tommy’s eyes as he kisses the skin right in front of his mouth. “I always wanted to do this,” he says, as he flattens his tongue on Adam’s skin and brushes it all over his chest until he reaches his nipple, closing his mouth around it. Adam’s legs start shaking and he has to lean back on the wall, pressing his head against it, while moaning quietly. Tommy is licking every freckle on Adam’s chest, both his hands rubbing his nipples, then alternating with his tongue. Adam’s looking for something to hold onto, his head thumping on the wall. When Tommy squeezes the flesh, he squeaks, “I knew you were a boob guy!” Tommy stops and gives him a devilish grin. Adam uses this distraction for his advantage, grabs Tommy, and turns them around, pressing him to the wall and attacking his mouth. This time there’s no kissing, just biting and teasing. It’s messy and wild, teeth clashing, tongues fighting, until they don’t know whose saliva it is that’s on both their lips.
Tommy puts his hands on Adam’s chest and starts playing with his strawberry blond chest hair, then pushes him, makes him walk backwards. Adam knows what’s going on. He lets Tommy push him down on the bed and crawl on top of him. There’s a lustful glint in Tommy’s eyes as he immediately opens his mouth and puts it on Adam’s navel as he gazes in his eyes. Adam has to close them and bring his head back on the bed. Tommy is proceeding to lick all of him slowly, and he can’t do anything but shiver under him. It’s been a very long time since Adam was with a man like this. He’s been fucking twinks. Gay twinks are his type. But Tommy is not a twink. He might look all pretty, feminine and physically small; he might move fluidly like a pussy cat, or act more like a delicate lady than a macho man, but no one’s ever pinned Adam to anything the way Tommy is pinning him to the black sheets with those strong fingers. This boy is different than almost all the gay men Adam’s ever been with, because he’s not gay. He’s treating him like he’s a woman, and strange as it is, Adam thinks it’s hot. He loves how those lips move all over his shoulders and collar bones, the teeth sucking some possessive marks on his tan skin, while the hands caress him tenderly, like he’s a frail flower. He loves the way those broad shoulders and big biceps hover above him as Tommy moves. He loves Tommy. That’s the difference between this and all the nights in Babylon. None of them even comes close.
He palms Tommy’s head and brings it to his face, instinctively finding Tommy’s lips without opening his eyes. This kiss is a promise. Just lips, vowing secretly for life. It’s forever. They moan together, happily. They breathe each other’s air as they pant I love yous in each other’s mouths.
Tommy’s fingers find his zipper, and before Adam catches on, his fly is open.
“Tommy.”
Tommy stops immediately. “Shit! Sorry, baby. Did I hurt you?”
The concern in his voice makes Adam chuckle. “Gee, you’re adorable, but I’m not a chick! You can’t hurt me easily, you know?”
Tommy laughs nervously. “Is that a challenge?”
Adam chuckles again, putting his hand on Tommy’s that’s moved from his zipper to his hip. “You sure you wanna touch my dick now?”
Tommy’s voice goes deep again. “Hell, yeah! But if you don’t…”
“Of course I do. I’m just not sure if you’re ready.”
Rolling his eyes, Tommy slips his hand from under Adam’s, and puts it back on his fly. “Would you stop worrying and just let go? I want to, ok? I fuckin’…”
He doesn’t finish his last sentence; instead, he pushes his small face inside Adam’s open fly, while pulling his jeans down. Adam gasps, his hips moving into the heat uncontrollably. Tommy’s mouthing him through his briefs. He doesn’t know how they went from kissing affectionately to almost blowjob in less than one minute. They were supposed to be making baby steps, but damn! It’s been more than four years, and it feels fucking good to finally have Tommy where he always wanted him. His emotions are on fire. His hands are in fists, his eyes forced shut as he pants Tommy’s name like a mantra. He knows Tommy’s lips are smiling against his cock, and that makes him enjoy it more. Tommy, Adam finds out, is a spitfire in bed, and at the same time, a fucking frustrating tease. It’s like he’s trying to play Adam’s cock like his guitar, and that’s ok. It’s just that Adam needs that damn song to be a Heavy Metal fast one, not a slow solo. Tommy licks the line where Adam’s briefs meet his thighs several times. Adam hears him breathing deeply and realizes that Tommy is smelling him.
“Jeez! I love it,” he whispers, and Adam figures it’s the first time he’s smelling male musk. So it seems like Tommy likes Adam’s scent. By the way Tommy’s moaning, Adam can tell it turns him on. And that turns Adam on, too, his cock rising in front of Tommy’s face a bit, and the scent gets deeper too. Tommy goes crazy with it; he pulls down Adam’s briefs abruptly, and presses his face to his groin immediately, breathing rapidly. Adam bucks up, letting out a loud groan. He can’t control himself anymore. He needs Tommy’s mouth, but he knows he has to let him take his time. It’s torture, and his eyes water. He opens them slowly to keep from letting the moisture slip out. He doesn’t want Tommy to think he’s hurting him again. What he sees takes his breath away. Tommy has stopped breathing all over him. He’s staring at Adam’s cock closely, his eyes curious and his mouth slightly open, tiny, red, plush lips hovering close, his hot breath puffing on it. Adam moans deeply. “Baby…”
“God, Adam…”He brings his willowy hand up to touch it slowly. The contrast between Adam’s huge, thick cock resting heavily against his stomach, and Tommy’s small fingers looks hot when he grabs a hold of it experimentally. Adam’s staring patiently, unconsciously enjoying, but so worried about Tommy’s reaction. Tommy starts moving his hand up and down slowly, his curious eyes catching every twitch, every jerk of Adam’s cock. He looks like a cat who just found a new toy, and Adam prays he’ll like it.
“God, you’re hulk man!” Tommy muses.
Just like that, the tension breaks, and Adam giggles like the fucking girl he is. “Hope you like it, baby.”
“I fuckin’ love it.” Tommy’s hold goes firm, and he starts jacking it slowly. Adam has to give him credit. For a first timer, Tommy’s good, and Adam feels himself get harder as he opens his long legs for Tommy to have more room.
“Yeah… baby… harder.” Adam moans quietly, and Tommy gradually does what he’s asking for. Adam’s in heaven. He’s basking in all the attention Tommy’s giving him. It’s hard to believe everything is happening so fast, but it’s true. They’ve been ready for this for so long; the only thing that stopped them was the drama. But everything’s OK now, and Adam can let himself be taken care of by Tommy. He can’t ask for more. But Tommy surprises him again. While he’s rubbing the nerves under the head, he slowly leans down. Adam’s hazy vision and mushy brain don’t let him see what’s coming, before Tommy’s pink tongue tentatively brushes around the head. Adam lets out a hoarse cry, and Tommy looks up, excitement in his eyes as he does it again.
“Baby…” Adam lets out a long moan, his hands raking on the sheets trying to hold himself together and not fall apart.
“You gonna let me blow you?” Tommy asks, not hesitating before he closes his mouth around Adam’s cock.
“Yes… Tommy… fuck!” Adam shouts, struggling to keep from bucking up in Tommy’s throat too quickly. He needs to open his eyes and see it himself to believe what’s happening. Tommy’s eyes are half closed, his tiny, red lips stretched around Adam’s dick, nose flaring. When Adam brokenly calls his name, Tommy looks up at him, and he goes crazy again. Those big brown eyes are staring at him, long dark lashes shading them. They’re full of power and passion. In his eyes Adam reads that Tommy wants to see him lose himself, to give up everything he has, and he does it eagerly. He doesn’t need anything any way. He just needs Tommy. It’s far from a fair trade. Tommy’s tongue swirls around his shaft, his wet mouth pumping up and down. He’s blowing him slowly, his movements tentative. Adam figures Tommy has been watching some gay porn. He’s not doing it like a porn star, though, not with aggression or lack of soul. No, he’s making love to Adam’s cock.
He doesn’t attempt to deep throat, but he takes as much as he can, and when Adam can’t hold back, he lets him fuck his mouth, staring at him with lustful boldness while he rubs his balls, driving him right to the brink of insanity. When Adam’s body goes lax again, Tommy continues his little exploration around his perineum. He nibbles the loose skin of Adam’s balls, making him tingle deliciously. Then he opens Adam’s legs more, nosing around his hole. He kisses and licks around it. Adam’s eyes are closed, as he gives little “uh”s every few seconds. He’s fully hard now, and he doesn’t want it to end anytime soon.
He’s catching his breath unconsciously when he notices Tommy isn’t touching him anymore. He opens his eyes, and what he sees makes him jump.
Tommy is naked.
Adam stares with a completely dry mouth hanging wide open, while Tommy gets rid of the last piece of clothing, and looks up, catching Adam’s eyes, and blushes the deepest hue of red.
His beauty is otherworldly.
Adam can’t even attempt to compare this with anything he’s ever seen before. He looks at him from head to toe, and his eyes are bugging out, literally. Tommy’s long thin neck dips into white jutting collarbones. His wide shoulders strong, giving his small structure a masculine quality. His biceps are full under the colorful ink painted artistically on pale skin, his chest hair is dark against his skin, sprinkled around, defining his protruding pecs. His nipples look like two ripe red cherries and Adam’s mouth waters as he looks lower. Tommy’s slightly round belly is cute and touchable, his narrow hips barely hugging it. Adam can’t believe how small those hips are giving the impression of youth, but the big pink and pale cock hanging under them makes him forget that thought totally.
He doesn’t know how he gets rid of his own jeans and briefs, not taking his eyes off of Tommy’s small form. He doesn’t even know what he’s saying. He feels like he needs more than two eyes to take in all this beauty.
He stands up, and Tommy steps back a little. Finally Adam comes to his senses, and figures that without his clothes on, Tommy’s feeling a bit vulnerable.
“Baby, God! You’re beautiful. You know that?”
Tommy swallows but smiles, looking at Adam’s awestruck face. “Thank you.”
“Bullshit. I didn’t even do you justice. You’re unbelievable. “
Tommy gazes at Adam’s tall strong form in front of him, and mumbles. “But you’re better. You’re,” he swallows again, “gorgeous.”
Adam smiles. He wants so badly to hug that pale, unmarred beauty, to feel Tommy’s skin against his own. They’re finally naked together, and it’s like there’s just one second left before Adam steps in paradise.
“Baby, are you …I mean … Do you wanna… Uh…”Adam doesn’t really know what he should say.
Tommy chuckles and the tension visibly leaves him. “Yeah, I wanna.” He steps closer, and Adam feels his heat before his touch. Tommy puts his arms around him, and Adam does the same, pressing kisses to Tommy’s forehead and temple, over and over. He doesn’t know what he’s doing; he’s just trying to keep himself checked, before he does something drastic, like throwing Tommy’s light body on the bed with one move, and fucking him stupid. He breathes Tommy’s soft scent as deeply as possible. Tommy looks up at him and smiles, letting Adam kiss his lips. Adam struggles to keep his hands from wandering as he presses Tommy to himself. The skin on skin contact is dizzying, and his heart slams against its cage like a wild bird. He’s happy. He can die in this moment and not regret it at all. They start turning around, moving toward the bed as they kiss sensually. Gently, Adam guides Tommy on the bed, and Tommy lets him lay him down. Adam doesn’t lie on his body, though, remembering “baby steps”. He lies beside him, turning toward him, still kissing him, and caressing his neck and shoulders carefully. When they pull apart, Tommy’s panting hard, his hot breath mingling with Adam’s. The heat of his body is delicious, and Adam presses to him as much as he can. Tommy looks in his eyes. His eyes are full of love, but there’s more. There’s something dangerous in them. Adam knows it. It’s want.
“Adam…”
“Baby…”
“I - I … Can you… Uhh..”
“Are you sure you can…”
“Please. It’s been too long. Please, just… “
“I know, baby. I know. Let me take care of you, ok? But don’t forget that we’re taking baby steps. I won’t hurt you, ever. Ok, kitty? Just let me…”
Tommy’s pulling Adam’s arms, so he lets him pull him on top of himself. Adam balances his body on his hands and knees, giving Tommy time to get used to the feeling of someone bigger than himself on top of him. He can’t believe they’ve come this far. When he came here this afternoon, he never even imagined he’d have Tommy under his body tonight. He promises himself to make this the best night of Tommy’s life; he just hopes he’ll be able to do that.
He leans down and starts to kiss Tommy’s pale collarbone, tasting the delicate skin. It amazes him, how soft and fragile it is. He should be careful not to break the skin. Tommy makes quiet noises, and Adam listens to them, looking for the place that draws the loudest moans, and when he finally finds it, he doesn’t let it go. He sucks a mark right on it, as a reminder, so whenever he wants to make Tommy moan for him, that pure lust moan, he knows where to put his teeth. Right then, he catches himself thinking of the future, and it feels wonderful, knowing he’s going to have Tommy. This understanding man, kind soul, and sexy body is his. That knowledge makes him go wild. He pushes his nose in the dark chest hair, breathing Tommy’s unique musky scent. It’s heady, and he gets drunk on it. When he reaches for Tommy’s nipple, he looks up, stares at the dark eyes that have been haunting his dreams for years, all of which are coming true in one day. It’s a celebration, so he feasts on it, flicking his tongue across the blunt red nub, giving a naughty smirk to Tommy before sucking it in his mouth. The texture is different than the rest of Tommy’s skin. It’s even softer and more sensitive. Tommy’s back arches, he puts his arms on Adam’s shoulders, his hand instinctively slides in Adam’s hair, as he gently pushes Adam’s head down on his own chest, silently pleading for more. Adam bites hard, teases the tender flesh with a hungry groan. He’s trying to hold Tommy’s writhing body down, but the pressure gets to be too much at some point, and Adam realizes he’s being pushed on his back. He opens his eyes, sees the arousal and confusion colliding in Tommy’s widened eyes, Adam doesn’t let him do anything, he pushes him back, climbs on top of him again, and then gazes in his eyes for a long moment, silently reassuring him, before he starts brushing long, wet licks on the nipple that’s gotten hard from all the stimulation. Tommy’s hips start to buck again, as he rakes his hands across Adam’s back, panting. “Fuck… Wahhh… “
“Tommy,” Adam calls him, trying to talk him through it, but Tommy doesn’t listen, he struggles to push him on his back again. Adam holds him tight. “Tommy,” he calls again. Tommy closes his eyes, helpless, whining.
“What are you … Adam… This is…”
“Shh,” Adam soothes him, still caressing the taut nipple, kissing the other one softly. He feels Tommy’s cock rubbing against him bluntly, and has a hard time controlling himself, but he has to try and keep himself in check for Tommy’s sake. “You’re doing good, baby,” He whispers. “I know you probably have been in charge all the time, but you’re enjoying this. You’re hard already.” Tommy opens his eyes, the dark lust is mixed with doubt in them. Adam keeps petting him gently. “If you really wanna stop, I won’t hesitate a moment. If you wanna dominate me, I’m OK with that, too. Whatever you give me, I’ll have it. I just want you. It doesn’t matter how.”
Adam pulls away slightly, and Tommy starts breathing more easily. “I… don’t know.”
“You’re not supposed to know. This is your first time, and you’ve already come a long way, baby. I can’t give you a full guarantee that you’ll love this, but I can help you through it. Baby steps, ok? Do you wanna experience giving up some power?”
Tommy frowns, looking lost. He puts his hand on Adam’s arm, and starts pulling him close again. “I don’t know. Just…”Tommy kisses him hard, and when he pulls away, he looks calmer. “I trust you.”
Adam grins at him, whispering, “You won’t regret it, honey.” Tommy smiles back. Adam winks. “Your sensitive tits are fuckin’ delicious,” he teases. Tommy’s chuckle turns into a deep moan when Adam resumes tonguing the soft rosy flesh. This time, Tommy doesn’t object. Instead, he holds Adam’s head close to his chest, as he arches into it.
“Uhh… no girl’s ever done this to me … Fuck!” Adam laughs triumphantly, as he tweaks both hard nubs with his fingers, eliciting long purrs from him.
“You just wait, baby. There are so many things I’m gonna do to you tonight that nobody’s ever done.” He dives down, drowning his face in the comfortable warmth of Tommy’s soft belly as he peppers every available inch of skin with kisses. He hasn’t let go of his nipples, and the combination is turning Tommy into a squirming hot mess. Adam’s drinking him like a tasty goblet of wine. He’s worshiping him, whispering his love into every touch of his lips on Tommy’s skin. Tommy’s fingers are a nice weight in his hair, keeping him aware of his consent to everything he’s doing. He kisses the small navel, sniffing the sweet scent, before reaching the jut of his hips. Adam’s never seen a boy with hips like this. He can almost cup them both in one hand. It makes him feel wary a little. Would Tommy be able to take him? The bulge of the hard dick right under his chest reminds him he’s over thinking again. He looks up at Tommy’s face, then down at the white bony hips spread out under his face. He kisses them gently, before nibbling. His teeth graze tender skin, and then his tongue licks it. Tommy bucks, but Adam’s holding him down, slowly nuzzling the flesh of his thighs.
From between his legs, Adam looks up at Tommy’s face. Tommy’s fingers in his hair tighten, as he stares back at him. Adam cocks his head, and Tommy’s control slips. “Yes, Yes, fuckin’ yes. Put your fucking mouth on me before I die of blue balls.”
That’s exactly what Adam wanted to hear. So he turns his gaze down to Tommy’s beautiful package. It’s big, not as thick as Adam’s, but almost as long. Adam watches the head jerk up a bit as he breathes on it. It’s almost as red as Tommy’s lips. So he kisses it. It tastes almost the same, but the hardness is not comparable. Then he licks the bulging vein around the pale shaft, listening to Tommy’s sharp intake of breath. He looks up, daring Tommy to do anything but moan and writhe as he wraps his lips around the head. Tommy can’t seem to help staring right back at him, his mouth open on a quiet cry, as his fingers brush in Adam’s hair rapidly, something between caressing, and urging him on. Adam smiles around him, before starting to suck the pretty cock hungrily.
It’s not long before Tommy’s hips jerk out of Adam’s grasp, and he holds still for Tommy. He listens to the loud call of his name that spills out of Tommy’s mouth forcefully, as he fucks Adam’s throat with his length. When Tommy settles back, rapidly panting every dirty word he knows, Adam pulls away, licking the pink skin around Tommy’s dark pubes, still jacking him. He loves it, how responsive and bold Tommy is, how his bitter musk hits Adam’s nose, makes him want to rub himself on the bed. Adam doesn’t know that he’s panting and moaning, too, burying his face between Tommy’s soft, pink balls, rolling them in his mouth one by one, making Tommy squirm. And when he comes up and puts him back in his mouth, before deep throating him, Tommy starts shaking, then shouts for him to stop. Adam pulls away immediately and curses himself. What did he do? He was just giving a damn blowjob, so what’s wrong?
“Baby?” He breathes.
Tommy catches his breath, before he cups Adam’s face in his palm, pulling him up for a hungry, calming kiss. Adam kisses back, precome and saliva dripping from his mouth into Tommy’s. He’s relieved that he hasn’t ruined everything in such a short time. He settles his weight on Tommy’s body carefully, looking in his eyes, mouths still brushing.
“You… Ugh… Fuckin’ killing me, man,” Tommy whispers, unconsciously reaching for Adam’s cock. Adam gazes in his eyes, his heart pounding in his ears as he watches Tommy so turned on, so hard for him. He has to stop Tommy from touching him, or he’d come just from watching him.
“I almost shot my fuckin’ load, right there. Shit, what you do to me,” Tommy continues.
“Then why didn’t you, baby? Something went wrong?” Adam asks.
“Umm…” Tommy stammers. “Do you think… I mean… I… Ugh…”
“What is it? Tell me. Don’t you want this? You wanna stop? If you can’t …”
“No, stop saying that. I already think it’s a miracle I haven’t come a few times, with what you did to me, jeez” Tommy’s high pitched, excited tone makes Adam laugh, squeezing him in his arms tightly.
“Then what is it?”
Tommy goes quiet, still unconsciously rubbing himself on Adam as he thinks for a moment before he whispers, “Do you think we can, … You know… Go further, I mean… ” Tommy looks unsure. “I think we should fuck.”
Adam gasps. “But this is just your first time.”
“This is our first time, not just mine.”
“But you’re the one who’s new to this. You should be careful. You can’t rush this.”
“Listen, Adam. It’s love that I shouldn’t rush, and I didn’t. I had four years’ worth of time to think about this. That’s way more than just being careful. I almost lost you.”
“Is that why you wanna do this? But you won’t lose me. Not for sex, not for anything. Even if you decide you don’t even wanna touch me, as long as you love me, I’m yours, however you want me. OK?”
“Stop your sentimental manifest and listen to me. Why did we wait for four years to do this? Huh? Why did you leave me in Kiev when we could have been dating for almost a year now? Why?”
Adam takes a deep breath, feeling his cock softening slowly. “Cause you weren’t ready?” He asks.
“Well I’m not ready now, either, am I? If I was, why wouldn’t you agree to fuck me?”
“Because we just started taking it to the next level, we haven’t even had a real date yet. You might find out you don’t wanna … you know? Lose your virginity to me.”
Tommy smiles, shaking his head “If I don’t lose my virginity to you, I wouldn’t wanna lose it to anyone”
“Well, yeah, that’s the point. You might figure out you’re not into the whole gay thing.”
“Do you even realize what you’re saying, Adam? I just sucked your fucking monster dick like a bitch. How could I not be into the whole gay thing? You see? This is exactly the reason I want you to fuck me. Because if you don’t do it right now, you might end up running again.”Tommy sits up, cupping Adam’s face in his hands, caressing his cheeks lovingly. “There’s no such thing as preparation for sex, except love. I love you; this is the best night of my life. I want you to make love to me.” He kisses him deeply. “Tomorrow, when you wake up next to me, I want you to be sure that we can be together, that there’s nothing that can pull us apart. I want to kill your doubts and insecurities tonight. We’ll get rid of them together, OK?”
Adam stares at the devotion shining in Tommy’s eyes for a long minute before he speaks again. “Sorry I put this all on your shoulders. You’re way stronger than I could ever be.” He gathers Tommy’s small body in his arms easily, caressing him, rocking him to the beat of his own wild heart. “I wanna love you.” Adam’s breath brushes Tommy’s forehead. “I wanna love you in every way possible. I wanna show you everything I’ve been hiding for so long. I wanna lay it all out for you, baby. You’re everything.” Adam kisses his forehead. “You’re my everything.” Tommy buries himself in Adam’s embrace, his warm weight comfortable and soothing. When Tommy pulls away slowly and smiles at him, Adam brushes Tommy’s hair off his face gently, asking “You sure you want this?”
“I’ve never wanted anything more.”
“On your stomach, sugar,” Adam says. Tommy obliges, his blonde bangs falling in his eyes as he rolls over. Adam pushes him down on the bed, before petting the white skin of his back gently. Tommy is a vast canvas of pale, delicate beauty, and Adam can never get enough of eating him with his eyes. He slides his fingers down Tommy’s spine, staring at them as they touch his cheeks experimentally. Tommy doesn’t have much of an ass; there are just these tiny little globes of flesh tightly forming a short crack under his waist. If someone sees it without seeing the rest of his body, they’d never guess he’s as old as he is. As weird as that thought is, Adam can’t help but get turned on. He doesn’t realize that he’s growling possessively when he bites the pale skin hard, making Tommy squeak. He licks Tommy’s cheeks all over. They taste like arousal, and all Tommy. They get pink and wet as Adam keeps kissing and kneading. His nose slides in the crack, and the strong musk fills his head, makes his eyes roll back in his skull. His tongue slips out again, moving along the tight cleft. Tommy is shivering under him, breathing sharply. Adam leans up, watching his shoulders move up and down, as he tries to hold himself. He tells him. “If it gets to be too much, don’t hesitate at all. Just ask me, and I’ll stop.”
Tommy peers back at him, his face red, his eyes so shy. Adam pets his back. “It’s ok, baby. You’re doing wonderful already. Just let me loosen you up a bit. You’re so small, I’m afraid your first time won’t be easy.”
Tommy nods. “I’ll be fine. Do it.”
Adam kisses one cheek, before opening Tommy’s lean legs slightly to settle between them. He can’t help but touch himself a bit, as he stares at the tiny ass he’s gonna be fucking soon. It’s very hard, but he has to control himself.
Gently, he puts his hands on both cheeks and pushes them apart. The tiniest pink pucker he’s ever seen in his history of a glorious gay life appears in front of him. For a moment, he can’t do anything but gaze at it. It looks so fucking tight, he doubts if his pinkie would fit in there, let alone his whole length. But he decides if he can’t fuck it, at least he can have a taste, dammit. It’s Tommy’s ass. It’s been driving him crazy every fucking day and night. At least he can finally make out with it. He brushes a finger over it, and Tommy bucks at once. “Shh, easy, baby. Gonna rim you, now. Be warned.”
“Whaahh… Ahh…”
Adam licks it once, tasting the dark, exotic flavor. He licks again, unable to resist. It’s addicting, makes him forget everything else as he lowers his mouth to it. His tongue darts out, persistently dabbing the tight ring. He doesn’t let go, his hungry groans mixing with Tommy’s. The tightness gives a bit, letting his tongue in. Even his tongue is too big for that tiny, little hole. He pulls away, looking at it. The image of his big tan hands holding the white, little cheeks apart, and the pink hole gaping back at him turns him on. Tommy is making a sound between crying and squealing, his whole body shaking. Adam’s hips are bucking uncontrollably, the black sheets damp with his precome. He attacks him, eating him out. He can’t believe his tongue is intruding so far down that tight ring of muscle. He’s almost brushing Tommy’s prostate.
“Adam…” Tommy’s literally crying now. “Please, please… If you don’t stop now, I’m…” His body is convulsing frantically.
Adam stops immediately, letting go of his ass, and climbing up to spoon him to his chest. “Baby, it’s OK”
Tommy turns around and clings to him. Adam’s arms move to hold him to his chest. Tommy leans up, still shivering as he kisses Adam.
“You still want this, honey?” Adam wonders.
Tommy starts rubbing himself against him again. “You didn’t find out, did you?” He smiles, wetness still shining in his eyes.
“What?”
“That I fooled you. I knew you wouldn’t fuck me unless I give you a good reason to feel you have to do it.”
“What do you mean?”
The smirk on Tommy’s face is pure desire as he wraps his fingers around Adam’s member. “I mean, I’ve wanted your dick in me since the first time you humped me onstage. Do you remember Stuttgart?”
Adam has to close his eyes, and inhale deeply. “Would you give me some lube to ‘Stuttgart’ you now, baby?”
Tommy laughs. “God, that was the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard.”
Adam giggles, slapping his ass playfully. “It’s not a pick up line, silly. It was an I need to fuck you right now line, dammit. Where is it?”
Tommy groans, reaching behind to open the drawer. Adam takes the tube from him and opens it, still holding him to his chest. Slowly he brings his hand around Tommy, close to his ass. He presses a kiss to his temple, as he walks his lubed finger to his hole, rubbing around it. He plays with the tight pucker, feeling Tommy’s moans muffled by his shoulder, before pushing it in gently. Tommy’s body goes still.
“Relax, baby. Breathe.”
Tommy’s chest rises against Adam’s as Adam encourages him. He starts moving his finger in tiny circles inside Tommy’s ass. Gradually, he pushes deeper, listening to Tommy’s voice, as it changes from painful gasps into exhaling moans. When he’s knuckle deep inside, he starts pulling it out and then pushing in. Soon he feels Tommy humping him with the same rhythm, and he can’t help but respond. His hands are holding his cheeks apart, while his finger fucks him. They’re rubbing against each other, kissing and moaning in the other’s mouth. He feels himself slipping into a beautiful place, where he doesn’t feel anything but Tommy. Everything is Tommy. Tommy’s taste is on his tongue, Tommy’s scent is in his head. Tommy’s softness is covering him like a blanket. It’s like he’s wearing him like a dress.
“Adam…” Tommy whimpers.
Adam opens his eyes and smiles at him. “You wanna turn around for me, honey?”
Tommy kisses him one last time and nods, turning around and laying on his side, chest to back. Adam snakes one arm under his body to hold his chest safe against his own. His other hand slides on Tommy’s hip and top leg, lifting his calf up and putting his foot on his own leg. He buries his nose in Tommy’s dark warm aroma, kissing his hair, as he slides his hand down between his open legs, to touch his hard cock. He starts jacking him and playing with his balls, while he licks his ear and whispers hoarsely. “Just remember to stop me whenever you don’t feel you can handle it, babe. I won’t love you less if you do that.”
Tommy bucks into his hand and turns his face slightly to look at him. Sliding his hand back to grab Adam’s hard cock, he starts rubbing it against his own wet entrance. “What if I wanna urge you on? Can I do that, too?”
The moment his head touches Tommy’s hole, Adam shivers uncontrollably. “Always, babe. Always”
He slides his hand down on Tommy’s soft perineum, finding his own head. He opens his eyes, watches the sweat shining in Tommy’s light hair, the soulful dark eyes calm, the kind heart vibrant underneath him. Tenderly he starts pushing in. It’s so tight, and Tommy goes tense.
“Open up for me, babe. Let me in,” he whispers. It’s a private secret, held safe in his heart when he breathes I love you in Tommy’s ear.
He inches in and out, patiently keeping a slow pace, listening to Tommy’s deep breaths. When the head slides in fully, and he feels that tight delicious warmth engulfing him, he has to muffle his moan in Tommy’s shivering shoulder helplessly. He moves his hips slowly, staring at Tommy’s face as he inches deeper inside. Tommy’s gripping the sheet tight in his hands, his whole body moving with every thrust of Adam’s hips. His red lips are slightly open, the most obscene words spilling from them. Adam finds himself letting go of every bit of resistance. He grabs Tommy’s face and turns it to kiss him hard while he picks up the pace.
Tommy goes pliant under him, lets him have everything he’s asking for. It drives him crazy. He lets out a loud groan, pushing Tommy on his stomach as he crawls on top of him, still inside him. He pushes in more; the tightness grips him as he feels himself leak some precome. The slow slide gets easier, so Adam pushes up, bringing Tommy up to balance him on his hands and knees. Tommy looks back at him, his eyes glowing with wild lust.
Adam smirks, watching his hard length easily slip into that warm heaven. He sees his lover bend down on the bed, his ass pushed up in the air, accommodating his long deep thrusts. Tense nerves pull his muscles tight, as he fucks him helplessly. He has to close his eyes and throw his head back, letting out a continuous sharp moan. He feels a small hand touch his, holding Tommy’s hips secure, so he opens his eyes slowly to see him, face pushed in the mattress, sweat glinting on his back and face, looking at Adam’s face with so much need it makes his heart swell. With every buck of Adam’s hips, Tommy’s whole body jumps. Adam sees how he’s barely holding on. He pulls out gently, hugs Tommy’s trembling torso, listening to his labored breathing.
“Come on, love. Can you turn around for me?” He needs to see him. He needs to know he’s still with him while he’s making love to him.
Tommy’s limp body turns, his arms moving around Adam’s shoulders as he kisses his temple. Adam lays him on his back, watches the lithe form spread out on the bed. Tommy gives him a lazy smile and opens his legs wide like a slut, wantonly showing his wet hole to him. “Come on, fucker. Stop drooling and put it in me, already. “
Adam can never understand how a small feline boy has such a big mouth. He brings Tommy’s legs up on his shoulders while he says.”Imma fuck that bitch outta you, pretty kitty.”
Tommy smirks, bending Adam down to kiss him, while he pushes back in. Tommy trembles, his head coming up for air, panting, as Adam starts fucking him. While he gradually picks up a harder, faster rhythm, he gazes at Tommy’s blissed out face, the dark eyes closing and opening to look at him, the red mouth emitting little ‘uh’s and ‘ah’s, the white soft skin moist and kissable. He watches what he’s doing to the beautiful straight boy he‘s longed for. In his heart, he feels like he’s loving him for all the years he couldn’t, for every day he wasted, for every word he failed to say. This is so different than anything he’s ever known as the definition of the word ‘Fuck’. This is not fucking. Not the way it was when he was doing this to all the people he’s fucked before Tommy. This is like a link, a bond, an open window to communicate. This is just another way to say I love you, except that it’s much more intense, much more real, because he’s feeling Tommy from the inside. His soul, his body, all of him is molding to the shape of Tommy.
He closes himself around Tommy’s whole body, his face buried in his chest, as he moves his hips. Tommy surrounds him, and he drowns. His head gets fuzzy, his body starts to float, his skin sings a distant, wild song… There he goes, my baby walks so slow…
It soaks him to the bone; he feels it in his stomach, his curled toes, and his pounding heart. His legs give out, and everything starts to leave him. Everything fades. The only thing he feels is the zinging in his ears, and when he opens his eyes, the only thing he finds is the last spot to kiss. Everything is this. This smooth skin on the side of his love’s throat. It’s like if he kisses it, he’s done his last job. So he does. He bites it, keeps it in his mouth, and then everything falls into place finally…Would you be m-mine? …
Adam sighs, nibbling on the skin in his mouth, until slowly, his senses rush back to him. He hears Tommy’s loud groan, his thin body crushed under him. He pulls up, sees him jacking himself furiously, crying out. He bats Tommhy’s hand away quickly, replacing it with his tongue, swallowing him up completely. Tommy shouts at the top of his lungs, his hips jerk violently as he fucks Adam’s mouth. This is the hottest thing Adam’s ever seen in his life. Tommy’s mild bitter taste floods his mouth, and he drinks it all. Tommy’s gasping hard, his mouth wide open on a soundless cry, his face contorted in stunned pleasure as his body rocks violently. Adam stares at him, amazed. He feels like the luckiest bastard in the world, being able to see this scene up close, and even more so for causing it. He chases the last drop of cum off his cock, as Tommy falls on the sheets, body all lax like jelly. Adam can’t take his eyes off him. He crawls up and lies beside him, hugging him sideways. Tommy’s eyes are closed, his breaths are silent sighs. Adam watches him, smiling, caressing the damp hair. Tommy smiles blissfully and rolls on his side to hug him back. They breathe together, basking in the afterglow. Adam feels like he owns the world now. He’s thinking maybe he can move a mountain or two, now that he has Tommy with him for real.
“How was the challenge, babe? Did I pass?” he asks.
“Adam…” Tommy calls. He sounds like he’s pleading.
“Baby? Are you hurt?” Adam wonders if he finally fucked up.
Tommy’s light whisper is barely audible. “It’s… I can’t hold it … I just changed the sheets. Fucking gross, man.”
Adam’s eyes go wide. He can’t help but laugh. “Did I manage to turn you into a chick with one fuck? Where’s the Tommy who refused to admit he washes his hair?”
As Adam brings his hand around to grip his hole, Tommy looks at his face and laughs uncontrollably. Adam smiles at him while he inserts one finger in to feel his own cum inside Tommy, making him groan a bit. “What?” Adam asks him, amused.
Tommy catches his breath. “I used to get nervous whenever I fucked my girls with no condom, cause I didn’t wanna end up with a fuckin’ baby. Now you just fucked me bare, and called me a chick, and, ah, for a moment, I was like, fuck what if I get pregnant!”
Adam bursts out laughing. “We should have used a rubber. I was so excited, I forgot. But damn, the way my finger’s swimming down there, looks like you should be worried about the baby thing.”
Tommy slaps him. “Shut up! Or I’ll put a baby in you in the second round, so we would be two happy pregnant dads. How’s that?”
Adam perks up. “Is that a promise?” He winks at Tommy.
After cleaning Tommy’s sore ass, and crawling with him under the blankets, Adam lies down beside Tommy and stares at him in the dim light. He can’t keep his hands to himself, his fingers taking a long trip from Tommy’s face to his hip, dipping when the skin dips and rising when the skin rises.
“What are you thinking about?” Tommy whispers. His dark eyes capture Adam’s.
“You.”
Tommy hesitates, his hands coming up to play with the light chest hair on freckled skin. “Can I ask you something?”
“Sure,” Adam says, his fingers halt just under Tommy’s right nipple.
“Why did you come back?”
“Honestly?”
Tommy nods.
“I was scared.” His fingers start circling again. “What if the next time I saw you, you introduced me to your fiancée? What if you quit? What if I never saw you again? I can’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t have a chance with you anymore. I know none of those sluts would stay with me when I need someone. But you…” He sighs. “It’s Just love with you. “
Tommy crawls on top of him, his light weight grounding him. His fingers brush his wet eyes softly. “Hey, hey…” He touches his forehead to Adam’s. “You have nothing to be afraid of anymore, honey.”
“I can’t believe, I just can’t …” Adam gasps.
Tommy holds his head to his chest, rocking him gently. “Believe, honey. Believe me. “
Adam lets himself go in Tommy’s arms. It’s been a very long time since he felt like this. Safe, accepted, wanted and needed for all the right reasons. For the first time, he’s not the one who’s saving someone. He’s being saved. He’s being held.
He leans up to look into Tommy’s eyes, his wet smile bright and real.
“Can I ask something, too?”
“Yeah.”
“How could you forgive me?”
Petting Adam’s hair with calloused fingers, Tommy whispers, “I was scared, too. What if I never saw your smile again?”