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It was cold in that way that October days usually were, even in South Carolina. The walls of the Tower seemed unable to seal in the heat despite the ever-increasing number on the thermostat and the chill clung to their skin beneath their clothes, making feet hurt and fingers numb.
Neil had lived in much worse conditions so he wasn't picky when it came to his shelter. Once, in Austria, he and his mother camped out in an abandoned cottage in the woods, huddling together under ratty blankets and jackets with bloodstains on them that they hadn't had time to replace. After three days of shivering with three portions of canned food split between them, they'd finally decided to leave lest they die of hypothermia. So no, Neil wasn't picky. The Tower had beds, and couches, and beanbags, and more food than they needed and a dozen ways to prepare it, and a thermostat and fluffy blankets and warm sweaters and friends .
Some of his other teammates didn't seem to have been humbled by similar experiences, judging by the amount of huffing and complaining and cursing out of "whatever brainless architect was given five dollars to throw this place together" (Allison's words). Mostly, it amused Neil to watch them go on like this was the worst time of their lives, but sometimes it annoyed him.
Perhaps that's why he let slip some of his past. If nothing else, it did shut them up.
They were all huddled together for a "night of fun" in the girls' dorm, forming a big circle on couches, armchairs, beanbags, and piles of pillows on the floor. Neil had secured a spot in front of the couch, between Andrew's legs, and listened to the others talk while relaxing back into the cushions. Somehow, everyone was there except the freshmen, who hadn't been invited in the first place; it was really a testament to the improving unity of their team. (Andrew had eventually been coaxed - by Neil, who asked - into joining them, muttering something about "stupid puppy eyes" as he relented; Nicky had never been opposed to spending time with the others and did so gladly once he felt sure Andrew wouldn't consider it a betrayal; Aaron had been amenable once they invited Katelyn; and Kevin, post-Riko and finally safe and feeling able to trust other people, had started forming strong friendships with some of the upperclassmen, which no one had really seen coming.)
The mood was getting a bit sour, though, after they seemed to have exhausted other topics such as campus gossip (Neil didn't recognise a single name being thrown around), the recently settled bet (would Allison manage to rope Kevin into going shopping with her), and the worst and best professors of the semester, respectively.
"It's too damn cold in here", Nicky complained, burrowing further into a blanket. "It's like there's a massive hole in the wall."
"I woke up this morning and thought my fingers were gonna fall off", Dan agreed. "I could barely sleep, either."
As the rest of the circle shared their own struggles with the dorm temperature, Neil grew more and more tense. It wasn't that they were displeased about the cold that bothered him - they had a right to feel cold, obviously, and to be a bit miffed about it. But they were making it out to be the worst thing in the world.
Andrew seemed to notice his discomfort, because a fingertip poked him in the back of the head. Andrew wasn't one for PDA - the way they were sitting was already a lot, in front of people - but he'd often poke Neil to bring him back to the present, or to get him to "stop it", like he'd once said. Neil briefly pressed his cheek to one of Andrew's knees in acknowledgment.
"What about you, Neil? You've been very quiet", Allison said.
"Mm?"
"Is the cold not bothering you? You lived in Arizona before this, it must've been warmer than even South Carolina usually is", Dan commented.
"I've slept in a half-collapsed cabin in the Alps for three days in December, so this is fine."
That's what came out of his mouth. And usually he wouldn't share his past experiences with the whole team, especially not in a weaponized way because no, this wasn't a competition for 'who has suffered the most?', but that memory didn't hurt him like mentioning his father did and he just wanted them to understand .
This is why he should just stick with saying 'I'm fine'. He regretted speaking already.
It did shut the Foxes up, very effectively. The silence hurt his ears, for once, and he started to regret saying anything. He grew more tense than ever, and Andrew must've noticed, because he tapped Neil's shoulder, three times in quick succession, their signal for ' do you need to leave '. Neil raised one shoulder in a minute shrug, because he didn't, really, he just wanted the mood from before back.
"We're gonna make some tea", Andrew said, beginning to stand up. Neil followed wordlessly into the kitchen, which mercifully hid them from everyone else's eyes.
The dorm continued being silent for a short while, but then Renee piped up with "don't we have Monopoly lying around somewhere?" and Kevin jumped in with "we'd have to play in pairs, there's not enough pieces" and then the get-together was back in full swing.
Neil squeezed his eyes shut. "Fuck", he said.
"Fuck what?"
"I fucked it up again. I always do this."
Andrew radiated a lot of warmth, and Neil could sense him getting closer by that alone. "Yes or no, Neil?"
"Yes", Neil mumbled. He supposed he needed the reassurance.
Andrew's hand came up to softly stroke his cheek, moving down to trace his jaw. "You didn't fuck up", he said.
"I made things awkward."
When Neil hesitantly opened his eyes, Andrew was shaking his head at him. "Things are allowed to be awkward, Neil. They're not expecting you to be a source of entertainment, they're expecting a real person." It didn't completely lift the weight from his chest, but it was of some comfort. "They're probably even glad you told them something about yourself. They're nosy."
Neil huffed a laugh, trying to see things more objectively and perhaps agreeing, a little.
He leaned against the counter and watched Neil prepare their mugs, taking his gratefully while Andrew saturated his with sugar. "You're good at reassurances", he noted. Andrew pretended he didn't hear it.
When they came back, the Foxes were once again engaged in conversation as they set up the game. Allison turned to Neil, smiled a small smile, and said, "you two are gonna have to be the top hat."
And everything really was all right.