Chapter Text
fight fucking godTM - 4:13
Jonny: i give the fuck up nikola tell me
NiCola: Shush You!!!!! What Are You Talking About???????
Jonny: i know you moved my fucking contacts where did you put them
Daisy: don’t you have glasses for that?
Jonny: i would have, yes
Jonny: if @Mįčhæł hadn’t broken them
Mįčhæł: urrrrr. j ussssster aa cøwå rdddd
Poggers: why the hell are y’all up it’s almost five in the fucking morning
NiCola: I Don’t Sleep!!!
Daisy: ueah, we’ve noticed Nik
…: i’m genuinely worried for all of you
Jonny: Like you’re any better
…: ...........fair point
Jonny: TS at least tell me you still have one of my spare glasses
NiCola: Welllllllllllllllll
Jonny: christ
Jonny: y’know what nvm i’ll just crash into a doorway and die
Mike: I’ll pay money to see that
Annabelle: Me too, Mike, I’ll make the popcorn!
Poggers: why the fuck are you all still awake???? it’s not even considered night anymore????????
Daisy: Spite.
…: .....spite?
Daisy: Spite.
…: alright then carry on
the Aurora - 4:24
Jonny: pls tell me one of you have one of my spare glasses i’m begging you i’m not going into my first day at work banging into doorways
Tim: as if you don’t do that on a daily basis
Nastya: jonny you’re fucking wreck i’ll drop them off on my way to work
Tim: why you being so nice nastya it’s jonny
Nastya: i’m running on coffee and what i think is motor oil
Jonny: i will pay you to sleep
ToySolider: I Will Pay All Of You To Not Almost Fucking Die Every Five Hours
ToySoldier: Motor Oil Is Fatal, Nastya!!!!!
Nastya: tastes nice tho
Jonny: i
Jonny: i’m going to bed
Tim: pussy
[eye emojis] - 6:27
Timnothy: sasha
Timnothy: sasha
Timnothy: sashaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Sasha: what the bloody hell do you want tim??????? it’s like 630?????????
Timnothy: can u get me a coffee from that fancy place u go to before work
Martean: your a fuckijg idot
Timnothy: ik but sashaaaaaaaa plssssssss
Sasha: you are so lucky i love you
Sims: Who drinks coffee that’s disgusting.
Sasha: CRYPTID SPOTTED
Timnothy: CRYPTID SPOTTED
Sims: You’re all children.
Martean: hi jon!
Sims: Martin’s the babysitter for you children.
Timnothy: that’s not fair bossmaaan
Sasha: what coffee do u want tim
Timnothy: uhhhhhhhhhhh
Sasha: i will just get you hot water don’t test me
Timnothy: uuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhh
Martean: as much as this conversation is hilarious, your spamming finish in dms pls
Timnothy: martin ur an angel thxs
bosslady - 6:34
Timnothy: iced vanilla caramel swirl pls
bosslady: your choices are so gay how are we dating
Timnothy: ; ^ )
fight fucking godTM - 6:57
Jonny: i hate you all
Jonny: my assistants are all hot wtf guys
Jonny: i’m a barely functioning bi as it is wtfff
Basira: That sounds like a personal problem Jonny boy
…: U JUST GOT SERVED BOIIIIIII
Basira: Oliver stfu
…: alrighty sira
Jonny: whipped
Basira: Jonny how many doors have you banged into already
Jonny: .
Daisy: whipped
…: endnfjjJDJDKSKWNWNF
Jonny: i hate you all
girlie-os - 11:38
Poggered: bleh
Poggered: i just woke up
Poggers: melanie it’s like noon
Poggered: and?
1stMate: i will skip work and drag you out of your bed melanie
Poggered: that’s not very cash money of you jonathan
Poggers: dont worry jon i’ll do it for you
Poggered: = - (
Daisy: you 2 are such wrecks
Basira: Yeah how do u even survive
1stMate: knowledge and eyeliner
Poggered: caffeine and glitter makeup
Basira: Seriously how are you even alive anymore?
Poggers: ^^^???
Daisy: you guys need help
Poggered: = - D
1stMate: ; )
the Aurora - 16:53
Ivy: Is water wet?
Ashes: wtf Ivy
ToySoldier: No!!!!
Tim: obvs yes
Jonny: nO
Jonny: WE ARE NOT DOING THIS AGAIN
Raphaella: why not this seems fun
Ivy: Yea, Jonny. Why not.
Jonny: You know why Ivy you’re a menace
ToySoldier: Now That’s Just Mean Jon!!
Raphaella: yeah jonny
Tim: your so mean jonny
Ashes: Jonathan how could you be so mean
Jonny: fuck you all i’m going back to work
Jonny muted the chat for 2 hours!
Tim: pussy
fight fucking godTM - 21:06
Annabelle: Where are you, Jonathan?
Jonny: away from you and your spiders
…: i don’t understand why u r so terrified of them they r just furry insects
Annabelle: Technically they are arachnids not insects.
Jonny: spiders are fucking terrifying and if i could shoot i would shoot them all because they have eight legs and many eyes and only appear to hunt me which i think is annabelle’s fault and i just hate spiders and wish the web wasn’t a thing bc now that i know that it is i cannot keep looking over my shoulder and every time i do i see one of what i think is annabelle’s spiders just stuttering after me and i want to just stomp it but i can’t because it’s annabelle’s and she would kill me so there
Daisy: what the fuck jon
Jonny: I hate spiders.
…: didn’t you get off two hours ago???? why does your location say your still at the MAG?????
Poggers: JONATHAN SIMS
Basira: JONATHAN SIMS
NiCola: JONATHAN SIMS
Daisy: JONATHAN SIMS
Jonny: OLIVER BANKS
Jonny: I WILL KILL YOU AGAIN
NiCola: Not If I Kill You First
Jonny: you wouldn’t
NiCola: You’re Right But Only Because Your Skin Is Terrible And If I Skin You It Would Be Even Worse
Poggers: @Jonny i am outside the institute
Daisy: she finna to drag u out
Basira: Not now, Daisy
Daisy: sorry babe
Jonny: i just had to reorganize my cabinets and lost track of time georgie i’m heading out to you now
Jonny: i am so tempted to bring ivy with me tomorrow to help me it’s that bad
Basira: She would love it and you know that
Jonny: maybe then she would stop spamming stupid philosophical questions
Poggers: we both know she wouldn’t not get off your phone
Jonny: no
Jonny: sndncjcirjensnsnsjsj
Mike: What happened to him
Poggers: he ran into the door
Basira: That’s the eighth time today jon bloody hell
the Aurora - 21:34
Ashes: Jonny ran into shit eight times today
Brian: dndndjsjsjsjenrnjfk
Tim: bHSHSJSJSJNRIEDI
Marius: pics or it didn’t happen
Ashes: [a collage of photos some from security footage, some just photos of Jon running into things with a date at the bottom right corner that says today’s date]
Nastya: JONNY WHAT THE HELL
Ashes: He’s sleeping
Nastya: he better be
Marius: where did you even get these pictures?
Ashes: = )
Marius: that’s fair
Brian: k but why the fuck does he look like a disgruntled cat in every picture
Tim: disgruntled????? who r u??????
ToySoldier: He’s Jonathan While Writing His Papers!!!!!!!
Ivy: Ok but why does that fit?
Ashes: blame jonny
[eye emojis] - 6:46
Martean: um
Martean: guys?
Timnothy: whassup marto
Sasha: ?
Martean: well you see
Martean: there‘s a pool of blood in the archives
Sasha: wtf
Timnothy: WHAT
Martean: ik!!!!!!
Sasha: jon was the last one to leave last night guys
Timnothy: @Sims what the hell did you do?????????
Martean: Jon???? @Sims are you alright???????
Sims: what do you fuckers want
Sims: shit
Sims: wrong chat
Sasha: sndjfjsjJjsjdndjdjKFJDJDJDJFJD
Timnothy: WHAT WAS THE RIGHT CHAT???????
Sims: Literally any chat but this one.
Martean: jon why is there blood in the archives???
Sims: Oh, whoops.
Sasha: whoops????? it’s blood!!!!
Sims: I hit my head.
Martean: it’s a pool of blood!
Sims: I hit it very hard.
Timnothy: ARE WE NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT HOW JON ENTERED THE CHAT????? OR HOW HE’S TOO SHORT TO REACH THE DOORWAYS?????
Sims muted Timnothy for 5 minutes!
Martean: JON
Sims left the chat!
Sasha added Sims to the chat!
Sims left the chat!
Sasha added Sims to the chat!
Sims: .
girlie-oes - 6:57
1stMate: georgie
1stMate: georgie help
1stMate: @Poggers
1stMate: @Poggers
1stMate: @Poggers
Poggers: it’s 7am jon wtf do you want
1stMate: when i hit my head did it bleed????!
Poggers: uh yeah??? you didn’t know?????
1stMate: i didn’t sleep the night before i was running on fumes
1stMate: BUT THATS NOT THE POINT
1stMate: apparently we left a pOOL OF BLOOD IN THE ARCHIVES
Poggers: jON
Poggers: JONNY
Poggers: J O N A T H A N
1stMate: I KNOW
1stMate: MY COWORKERS ARE INTERROGATING ME GEORGIE HELP
Poggers: NO IM CRYING THIS IS HILARIOUS
1stMate: GEORGINA
Poggers: JONATHAN
1stMate: U R NO HELP AT ALL
Poggers: NO IM NOT NOW LET ME SLEEP FUCKER
[eye emojis] - 7:04
Timnothy: um anyway
Timnothy: changing the subject.
Sasha: pls do i’m so confused
Martean: why did the spider climb down the web
Sims: Because it’s evil
Martean: !!!!
Martean: no!!!!!
Martean: spiders are good boys
Sasha: you are the only one who thinks that martin
Martean: :/
NiCola - 8:47
Jonny: TS
Jonny: TS HERE NOW
Jonny: @NiCola
Jonny: NIKKI
NiCola: Jon!!!
Jonny: why the hell is my desk filled with teeth
NiCola: To Remind You To Smile Of Course!!!!
NiCola: You’ve Got A Rather Nice Smile And It Would Be A Shame If You Stopped Smiling Altogether
Jonny: that was strangely domestic TS
NiCola: You’re One Of My Best Friends Jonny Of Course I’m Domestic With You
NiCola: And You Kept Being My Friend After I Told You About The Entities And That Makes Me Very Happy Because I Would Miss You
Jonny: i would miss you too nik
Jonny: i appreciate the teeth now that i know why but please warn me before you do it again
Jonny: i fell out of my chair so tim ran into my office wielding an letter opener
Jonny: it hurt when he stabbed me nikki
NiCola: Ohhhhhhh Clean Your Poor Skin Jonathan!!!!! I’ll Send Annabelle Over To Stitch It Up For You!!!!!
Jonny: nO NEED FOR ANNABELLE
NiCola: But Jonny!! You’re Injured!!
Jonny: and i’m at melanie’s with her patching it up i’m fine thank you for worrying though
NiCola: Of Course! I Love You!!!
Jonny: ilyt now pls clear out my desk drawer
NiCola: Right Ho!!!!!
Chapter 2
Summary:
TW for depressing thoughts and non explicitly stated suicide bc sorry but i vent through my writing and i will eventually post the little story format of the small get-together they have
Also Timothee is the full name of Gunpowder Tim as we already have a Timothy so there’s that
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
the Aurora - 21:27
Jonny: who’s ready for tomorrow say aye
Tim: fucking aye
Nastya: aye
ToySoldier: Aye!!
Ashes: aye
Ivy: Aye
Marius: ayeeee
Raphaella: aye
Brian: Aye
Jonny: that’s gay guys
Marius: your gay jonny
Jonny: how dare you call your captain gay i’ll have you thrown out the airlock for that
Ashes: First mate
Jonny: [middle finger emoji]
Tim: hot.
Brian: bite me tim
Raphaella: kinky.
Nastya: y’all are a mess
Nastya: what are we going to do with them ivy
Ivy: I mean,,,, we could kill them????
Nastya: No they’d like that the fuckers
ToySoldier: You’re Acting Like Me And Jonny Would Really Die If You Hurt Us A Little
Jonny: shhhhhhh nik i wanna see how this plays out
ToySoldier: You’re The One Who Got Stabbed By One Of Your Hot Coworkers Earlier Jonathan
Marius: HE WHAT
Ashes: JONNY
Brian: WTF JON
Jonny: in my defense it was TS’s fault
Jonny: they filled my desk drawers with teeth
ToySoldier: It Was To Remind You To Smile!!!!
Tim: k but where the fuck did TS get a desk drawer amount of teeth
Ivy: It’s Nikola I honestly don’t know why you bother asking it’s not like your going to get a straight answer
ToySoldier: = D
Ashes: moving on
Nastya: JONNY WHY DIDNT YOU TELL US YOI GOT STABBED
Jonny: i honestly forgot
Tim: how tf did you FORGET you got stabbed???????
Jonny: bc u all stah me all the time????? as do all of the avatars??????
Raphaella: stah
ToySoldier: stah
Ivy: stah
Tim: stah
Marius: stah
Ashes: stah
Nastya: stah
Brian: stah
Jonny: i fucking hate all of you
Raphaella: did you at least clean it?
Jonny: of course i fucking cleaned it
Tim: so you just poured a bottle of rubbing alcohol on it and put a bandaid on it
Jonny: no
Jonny: actually
Jonny: i went to melanie’s and she fixed me up after i gave her the whole story and she laughed her ass off
Ashes: but still you didn’t think of telling us?????
Jonny: it’s over now!!!
Marius: i think you underestimate how much we care for u jonny
Jonny: don’t get sappy on me now
Jonny: i’m your bloody captain for christ’s sake
Brian: 1st Mate
Jonny: [two middle finger emojis]
bosslady - 21:28
Timnothy: sasha
Timnothy: sasha
Timnothy: sasha you shouldn’t leave me alone at work anymore
Timnothy: sasha i’m dying
bosslady: good
Timnothy: SASHA
bosslady: god tim what did you do
Timnothy: i kinda
Timnothy: sorta
Timnothy: stabbedjonintheshoulder
bosslady: …
bosslady: what the hell tim
bosslady: TIM
Timnothy: I KNOW I KNOW
bosslady: y?????? did u do that?????
Timnothy: HE FELL OFF HUS CHAIR AND MADE A LOUD THUMP I WANTED TO KNOW IF HE WAS OK
bosslady: so you stabbed him???
Timnothy: I THOUGHT HE WAS BEING ATTACKED
Timnothy: SASHA I STABBED OUR BOSS
bosslady: martin would be so disappointed in you tim
Timnothy: too bad he don’t like us like that
bosslady: which one??
Timnothy: both i’d be down for sharing
bosslady: me too babe they’re both hot as fuck wtf happened to you
Timnothy: WOW
Timnothy: BABE
bosslady: i’m joKING
Timnothy: < 3
bosslady: < 3
girlie-oes - 22:37
Poggered: JONATHAN WTF
Poggered: FIRST YOU BANG YOUR HEAD AND SCARE YOUR BITCHES AND THEN YOU GET STABBED BY ONE OF UR FUCKING HOTTIES
Poggered: DONT IGNORE ME ASSHOLE
Poggered: @1stMate
Poggers: YOU GOT STABBED!!!!!!!!
Poggers: JONATHAN SIMS
1stMate: god not this again
Poggers: stop being fuckint cryptic and explain. now.
1stMate: Nikola filled my desk with teeth.
Poggered: like??? real teeth??????
Poggers: it’s nikola of course they’re real
1stMate: so i fell out of my chair and tim ran in with a letter opener and stabbed me bc he was scared
Poggers: i already know that i wouldn’t ever want to work at your work place
Poggered: i mean the spooky stories georgie the stories
Poggers: r u saying you would work at a place where you read irl horror stories and your boss is a patron of a fear god
Poggered: the pay is great and spooky stories
1stMate: have i ever told you how much i love you melanie
Poggered: not recently no
1stMate: good
Poggers: OHHHHHHH BURRRRRRN
[eye emojis] - 0:14
Sims: I am going to be running late, so whoever is in first in please take the orange monster out of the break room fridge and put it on my desk. I would really appreciate it.
Timnothy: jon it’s like midnight
Sasha: u drink monster?????
Sasha: orange??? monster?????
Martean: sure!
Sims: Yes, I do drink orange monster, it’s a very good boost in the mornings.
Sims: Also thank you, Martin.
Martean: :)
Sasha: i just can’t believe you drink monster
Sims: Also no one open my desk drawers until I get there.
Timnothy: ...why?
Sims: My shoulder has not recovered from the last time one of my friends put something in there that scared me and you stabbed me for being scared.
Martean: TIM
Martean: YOU STABBED JON?????
Sasha: haha he’s a mess and i’ll make sure no one does boss!
Sims: Thank you, Sasha. I’ll see you all later.
Martean: TIM ANSWER ME,,,,
Timnothy: it’s too early for this shit
fight fucking godTM - 1:42
Mike: Jon
Mike: Jon
Mike: Jon i know your on
Mike: Jon you fucker i will spam timothee if you don’t answer me and he will actually shoot you
Jonny: what mike
Mike: your picking me up to head to the venue right?
Jonny: oh right forgot to tell you brian’s doing carpool for the band so you’re gonna have to hitch a ride with georgie or daisy
Daisy: i’ll drive you Mike
Mike: uhh thank you Daisy?
Daisy: : )
Poggers: that’s not passive aggressive at all daisy
Poggers: dw mike im already carpooling melanie i’ll swing by and pick you up
…: y’all should be nicer to mike *cough cough* daisy
Mike: I still don’t know why Daisy is passive aggressively nice to me but I’ll take the ride Georgie thanks.
Poggers: np!!
Jonny: please don’t scare off all of my other friends daisy
Daisy: : )
NiCola: Daisy!!!!! Please Be Nice To Everyone!!!!!
Daisy: ; )
Jonny: sigh
Jonny: i guess that’s the best i’m gonna get
…: did you just type out your sigh
Mike: What a loser
Jonny: hush
lightning boi - 8:26
Jonny: do you ever want to take a nap and never wake up? [deleted]
Jonny: shit wrong person [deleted]
girlie-oes - 8:27
1stMate: Guys?
1stMate: What do you do if you just want to take a nap and never wake up?
Basira: That’s suicide don’t do it
Poggered: we love you jon don’t do that
Daisy: mate you don’t want to do that. it may seem nice at first but you don’t want to trust me
1stMate: I’m just so tired and idk sad i guess.
Poggers: would you like me to come over to your work with TA and distract you?
1stMate: we aren’t supposed to have animals in the archives
Poggers: i mean what’s el**s gonna do. fire you??
1stMate: fair point. I would really appreciate it if you aren’t too busy
Poggers: i’m never too busy to be there for you
Basira: would you like us to come too? Daisy and i can surely get off for a few hours
Poggered: and i can bring your favorite snacks that are in my cupboard
Daisy: and i can bring your extra weighted blanket
1stMate: i
1stMate: i would like all that very much
1stMate: thank you guys
Daisy: : )
Poggers: Be there in 15
[eye emojis] - 8:47
Timnothy: hey jon? there’s a bunch of girls and a guy up in the lobby looking like they’re gonna throw a party asking for you
Sims: please send them down they know where my office is
Sasha: is this some kind of special occasion??
Sims: no but i need them right now please send them down
Martean: would you like me to bring you all some tea? i would be happy to
Sims: ah yes please martin all of them take it like i do so yes if that isn’t much of a hassle
Sasha: jon your rambling
Timnothy: can we do anything for you jon?
Sims: ah just
Sims: i give you all the rest of the day off
Sims: you all deserve it
Martean: uh ok thank you i guess
ASSistants - 8:49
the hot one: i’m not buying it
the cute one: me nether
the smart one: i’m staying who else wants to stay with me???
the cute one: absolutely as soon as i’m done making their tea
the hot one: how about we just like camp out outside of his office where our desks are and just wait him out
the cute one: i’m all up for that
the smart one: me too
To Certain Contacts - 17:59
JonathanSims: I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who helped me today. It meant a lot to me and it made me happy so thank you.
lightning boi - 18:03
Jonny: you do realize you’re featured in one of our statements at the institute right?
lightning boi: Shit really?
Jonny: a man who claimed to be the reason you got struck by lightning as a child gave a statement and mentioned you
lightning boi: Well fuck
lightning boi: Dominic Swain right?
Jonny: yeah
lightning boi: I remember him, god thanks for telling me Jon
Jonny: np mike see you at the venue
Brian - 18:16
Jonny: where the hell are you???
Brian: I’m outside the venue? Why?
Jonny: brian
Jonny: u forgot to pick me up
Brian: SHIT I KNEW I FORGOT SOMETHING
Jonny: you know what its fine i’ll just stay home and let you guys do the show
Brian: Jonny...I’m sorry
Jonny: it’s fine brian have fun tonight
Georgie - 18:17
Brian: Georgie
Brian: Georgie please help me
Georgie: ????
Brian: I forgot Jonny for carpool and now he’s being all ‘have fun without me y’all’ help
Georgie: fuck
Georgie: you do realize he had a depression relapse earlier today right?
Brian: Well shit that explains a lot
Brian: Just please can you go pick him up and try and drag him out of it
Brian: I really want him to perform tonight and it’s my fault I forgot his flat
Georgie: i’ll help dw drumbot we might be getting there a bit after 6:30 tho
Brian: That’s the good the show technically doesn’t start until 7
Brian: thank you Georgie I owe you one
Georgie: [thumbs up emoji]
Poggers - 18:20
Poggers: grab your shit loser i can’t promise how long melanie will let me wait for you
Poggers: mike said he’ll do your eyeliner in the car just grab your costume and makeup and get in the car
Notes:
sorry not sorry best friends mike and jon makes me very happy bc i love mike and wish he didn’t perish
Chapter 3
Summary:
i say fuck yea agnes and gerry are being added and dating and a whole bunch of other stuff and yea so far there isn’t much plot and this chapter is a bit short but it’s being posted close to the last one so that’s what your gonna get
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
ASSistant - 8:12
the smart one: mahhhtin
the hot one: mahhhhhhhhhhtin
the smart one: mAHHHHHHHHHHHTIN
the hot one: MAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHTIN
the cute one: guysssss,,,,,,, stop it,,,,,,,,,
the hot one: MAHHTIN
the cute one: i will drop kick your laptop out the window timothy don’t test me
the smart one: id do what mahtin says tim
the smart one: you don’t have enough money to buy another laptop
the hot one: i am going to have a heart attack now brb
the cute one: tim i was joking!!!
the cute one: somewhat,,,,
fuck jurgen leitner let’s burn him - 9:27
Books: breakfast in my flat in 3?
Are: yep
Burning: Sounds good
Books: so how has your busy busy lives been you two?
Are: well i’m dead so
Burning: Pretty un-alive?
Are: yes that
Burning: Well I for the record I too am dead and have been bored out of my mind. For Christ’s sake, Jon when are you going to get Oliver to bring us back for good?
Books: ah yes that
Books: it’s a work in progress
Are: it’s been a wip for two years jon
Books: well apologies for r*bins*n passing away and me getting promoted so suddenly practically against my will
Burning: Ouch.
Books: sorry agnes
Books: sorry gerry
Burning: It’s fine Jon sorry for being pushy I know things are hard for you right now
Are: yea i guess sorry too
Books: also i keep forgetting to ask oliver
Books: anyway what do y’all want for food
Books: god knows for ghosts you two devoured over half my food supply
Are: : )
Burning: = )
Burning: Wait have you learned to cook in the week we haven’t been over?
Books: ...no
Are: shit jon i’ll just have cereal than
Burning: I’m at your door let me in I’m cooking for you, you absolute train wreck
Books: thanks gerry, agnes
fucking fight godTM - 10:26
Jonny: help
NiCola: What Did You Do This Time Jonathan????
Jonny: i have two mostly dead people on me help me nik
Annabelle: Why do you have dead people on you? Isn’t that Oliver’s shit?
Jonny: kinda-
NiCola: Oh My Gosh!!! Hahahahaha I’m Not Going To Help You!!
Jonny: that hurts TS that hurts
Poggers: it brunch today?
Jonny: it is sunday georgie
Poggers: shit really?
…: how did you forget what day it is
Poggers: how are you awake already
…: bold of you to assume i slept at all
Mike: Oliver that’s not good
…: eh
Jonny: oliver
Jonny: can you come over to my place? i’m cashing in that favour
…: sure jon
…: fuck that means actually getting up
Poggers: lol sucks for you
[eye emojis] - 12:00
Sims: So I realize it is Sunday but I have some important information to share before I forget.
Sims: Starting tomorrow I will have two friends accompanying me places.
Sims: Do not talk with them unless they start the conversation and just treat them like you treat me. Otherwise I cannot guarantee your wellbeing.
Sims: You have been warned.
the Aurora - 12:03
Jonny: ok so imma have two friends sticking to me bc oliver fucked up so any ideas of how to incorporate them into a set?
ToySolider: ??????
Raphaella: Explain
Jonny: sigh
Jonny: fine
Jonny: simple or long
Tim: which every’s funnier
Jonny: oliver, end’s avatar, basically made two of my ghost friends corporal and accidentally linked them to me so I now have two freeloading non ghost roommates
Nastya: you have ghost friends?????? how???????
Jonny: blame the web
Marius: poor spiders
Jonny: there are no poor spiders those things are evil
Ashes: ok i actually can’t argue with that
Ashes: you’ve not met annabelle marius
Ivy: We could have them do special effects and or background singers
Brian: That’s true we always need more backup singers
Jonny: HA
Jonny: well i asked both of them if they’d do that and they glared at me so no
Jonny: gerry said he’d help with makeup and agnes can’t do anything
Nastya: jonny,,,, did you get into another polycule?
Jonny: ...kinda???
Tim: BababahaahHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
ToySoldier: Jonny!!!!!
Jonny: gerry and agnes are dating and i’m like a platonic close friend polycule way not a very romantic way-
Jonny: and what do you mean another???
Ivy: I suspect she’s talking about your assistants at the Institute
Jonny: bshddjdjjsjsjdndne
Jonny: ITS NOT LIKE THAT-
Ashes: so what your saying is that you don’t have crushes on all three of your assistants
Jonny: i
Jonny: i do but it won’t work
Jonny: tim and sasha are dating and i’d be very surprised if martin liked me like that
Tim: gee way to be a debby downer about it dickhead
Jonny: plus they think i’m an asshole stick in the mud boss sooooo
Nastya: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Nastya: IM DYING THAT IS NOT YOU AT ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
Marius: i mean
Marius: he IS an asshole
Jonny: how dare you call your humble captain an asshole
Ivy: First mate
Raphaella: so your claiming to not be an asshole???
Jonny: you know what i came here to have a good time and i feel so attacked right now
Tim: good
Tim: pussy
girlie-oes - 12:36
1stMate added OGArson to the chat!
1stMate: be nice to her she’s keeps me alive on Sundays
Daisy: god knows you need that
Basira: she’s right
Poggers: hello!!!
OGArson: Hello my name is Agnes
Poggered: montague?????
OGArson: Yes, why?
Poggered: jon’s people has statements on u
OGArson: Oh really? Jon?
1stMate: yes yes they do but they don’t do you justice at all
OGArson: Won’t your coworkers recognize me and Gerry?
1stMate: nah and if they do well they have no real proof
OGArson: Jon.
1stMate: fine they probably will but if I tell them to leave it they will
Daisy: why does this conversation have he same energy of an old married couple?
Basira: maybe bc they are technically in a polycule
Poggered: wat another one????
Jonny: IM NOT IN THE DAMN POLYCULE WITH MY ASSISTANTA FOR CHRISTS SAKE
OGArson: Oh good, more people to gang up on Jon with! = D
Poggers: we are keeping her i love her already
[eye emojis] - 16:37
Martean: wait what????????
Sims: Oh yes thank you for reminding me this chat existed Martin
Sims added OGArson and FuckBooks to the chat!
Sims: Be nice to them.
FuckBooks: wow jon didnt know you liked me like that
OGArson: Gerry. Be nice to Jonathan.
Sims: Thank you Agnes
OGArson: Only everyone else can bully him
FuckBooks: right i forgot babe i don’t have bully jon rights like everyone else
Sims: Wow fuck y’all guess I know where I’m sleeping tonight
Timnothy: wtf????
Sasha: YOUR IN A RELATIONSHIP??????
FuckBooks: technically he’s not but we count him as one of us
Sims: You both eat all my food and are now freeloaders I hope I’m one of you
Martean: i
Martean: i am so confused
Timnothy: me too marto
Sasha: so you have two roommates and are in a polycule relationship with both of them?
Sims: If you would like to put it that simplified, yes. It is truly more complex than that
FuckBooks: wow we are being so rude hi i’m gerard
OGArson: Your right! I’m Agnes!
Martean: this does nothing for my confusion
Timnothy: wait,,,
Timnothy: you two wouldn’t happen to be Gerard Keay and Agnes Montague?
OGArson: I fucking told you Jon.
Sims: Oh shut up Aggy
Sasha: JON WTF IS GOING ON
Sims: I hate my life.
FuckBooks: why tf are you typing like your a functional adult?
Sims deleted a message!
Timnothy: you mean he doesn’t type like this normally??
OGArson: Nope he texts like Gerry for the most part
Martean: i am having a fucking extensional crisis wtf is happening right now
Notes:
i cannot believe i actually added the two burning fanatics i love them both so much and it was such an impulsive move that i hope y’all like! also pls comment what you think oliver did to owe jon a favour i want to see what y’all think!
Chapter Text
[eye emojis] - 16:40
Sims: I plead to the 5th
Sasha: jon we are british
Sims: No comment then
Timnothy: cmon jon u can’t just do that
Martean: jon please answer the question
FuckBooks: yea jon answer the question
Sims: Oh fuck off Gerry
OGArson: Jon just answer the question
Sims: Fine
Sims: Yes I don’t normally talk like this
Martean: so why are you doing it here?
Sims: I
Sims: y’know what fuck this
Sims left the chat!
FuckBooks: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA ENDJCJDNENDKCJDNDBF
OGArson: How mature of him to run away from his problems. Again.
Timnothy added Sims to the chat!
Timnothy: U CANT JUST LEAVE
Sims: watch me
Sims left the chat!
FuckBooks: well he fuckint left
Sasha added Sims to the chat!
Sims left the chat!
OGArson: Give it a few hours he’ll eventually just not care anymore or forget about it.
Martean: i am still so fucking confused
fucking fight godTM - 18:26
Mike: I have decided I would like to push a window washer into the Vast
Mike: Anyone have any objections to this plan of action?
Annabelle: Don’t get caught
...: wtf guys no
…: do a maintenance guy instead
Jonny: shove him down an elevator shaft that never ends
NiCola: That Sounds Like So Much Fun!!!!!
NiCola: Can You Do That To Me Mike??
Mike: Uh
Mike: Sure Nik
NiCola: Hooray!!!!!!!!!!
Jonny: stop being weird nik
NiCola: Dont Be Rude Jonny!!!
Jonny: rude is my default setting
Poggers: that’s not something to be proud of jon
Jonny: fuck
Jonny: i’ll brb
Mike: ????
…: u alright mate?
Poggers: jon????
Martin - 18:30
Martin: I am sorry for not showing up to work today, I have a bit of a stomach bug
JonathanSims: Who is this.
Martin: It’s Martin! Who else could it me?
JonathanSims: Martin doesn’t text like this who is this
Martin: .
fuck jurgen leitner let’s burn him - 18:33
Books: someone add me back to the work chat please something is wrong
[eye emojis] - 18:33
FuckBooks added Sims to the chat!
Sims: something is wrong
Timnothy: ???????
Sasha: you can’t just not talk and do that jon
Martean: Jon, what are you talking about?
Timnothy: fuck your right
Timnothy: that’s not martin
Sasha: who the hell are you??
Martean: I’m Martin!
Sims kicked Martean from the chat!
Sims: that is not martin
Sims: fuck
fuck jurgen leitner let’s burn him - 18:35
Burning: That is not mine’s style
Are: Nor is it ours
Books: it’s not michaels, lukas, terminus, TS, daisy, choke, pitch, war or body either
Are: so Cane or Prentiss it is
[eye emojis] - 18:36
Sasha: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YALL TALKING ABOUT
Timnothy: english please
Sims: don’t worry about it
OGArson: Don’t worry about it
FuckBooks: don’t worry bout it
Sims: why did we do this in this chat again?
OGArson: I’m going to guess you wanted proof Martin wasn’t Martin
Timnothy: is ANYONE going to tell us WHAT IS GOING ON
FuckBooks: maybe later
Sims: brb
Evil friend - 18:39
Jonny: did you take my friend into the Web?
Evil friend: Which one? Surprisingly you have multiple
Jonny: very funny and martin, my coworker
Evil friend: Ohhhhhh one of your crushes? ;;;; )
Jonny: never do that again
Evil friend: :::: (
Evil friend: I did not take him into the Web and from what I can tell he is barricaded inside his flat
Jonny: shit
Jonny: thanks annabelle your the best
Evil friend: :::: )
[eye emojis] - 18:42
Sims: it’s prentiss
FuckBooks: shit
Sasha: who’s prentiss?
Timnothy: you mean the women from timothy hodge’s statement?
Sims: yes
Sasha: shit
OGArson: Shit indeed, Sasha.
Timnothy: that is
Timnothy: not good
Sims: yes it is very not good
FuckBooks: so what are we going to do jon?
Sims: go find her i guess
Sims: do either of you know what his address is?
Timnothy: yeah i’ll dm you
Sims: stay at the institute you two. gerry, agnes, come with me
Sasha: aye aye boss be safe
fucking fight godTM - 18:46
Jonny: who wants to come with me and fight prentiss?
…: fuck no worms suck
NiCola: I Would!!
Daisy: of course
Daisy: why
Mįčhæł: šïgñ mmmmmmmmmę ūppp
Mike: Someone has to keep an eye on you
Jonny: great meet me at the entrance of the Institute
Jonny: oh and bring fire extinguishers
Poggers: be safe idiot ily
[eye emojis] - 23:53
Sims added Martean to the chat!
Timnothy: martin!!!!!
Sasha: MARTIN
Sasha: ARE YOU ALRIGHT?????
Martean: i’m alright!!
Martean: jon and some of his friends came and helped me!!!
Timnothy: wait
Timnothy: jon has friends?????
Sims: i can see this y’know
Timnothy: you have friends??????
Sims: sigh
Sims: i have multiple friends
Sasha: @OGArson does he have friends?
OGArson: Yes, actually. Multiple in fact.
Sims: ye of little faith
Sims: anyway
Sims: @Martean make sure to write down a statement before tomorrow night
Timnothy: why can’t you just take it?
Sims: i uh
Sims: i don’t want to make martin uncomfortable
Sims: please don’t swarm him about it
Sims: i am going to bed now i hope you all sleep well
OGArson: Wow that’s shock, Jonathan Sims, going to bed at a decent time
Sims: shush aggy
the Aurora - 5:19
Nastya: boohoo bitches
Nastya: it’s sunday, the beginning of war week
Jonny: fuck
Marius: shit
Brian: Damnit
Ivy: Hell
Tim: yESSSSSSS
Tim: ITS WAR WEEK BITCHES
Raphaella: godfuckingdamnit
ToySolider: Jolly Good Fun!!!!!!!
Ashes: i want to fucking die
Nastya: oh you will
Ashes: stfu i’m police
Jonny: you say it like it will stop them
ToySoldier: Good Luck Everybody!!!!!! May The Best Mechanism Win!!!!!!!!! ; ))))
[eye emojis] - 8:27
Sasha: anyone know why a group of people just ran into jon’s office with a bunch of nerf guns
Martean: what????
Timnothy: i can kinda hear screams from the room-
FuckBooks: NENDJDJDJSCJDJEJKAKZJD
OGArson: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
Sims: By Jove This Is So Much Fun!!!!
FuckBooks: NIKSJSNDJDJDJSJEJDJXJD
OGArson: IM CRYING TS
Sasha: who r u???
Sims: Oh!! I’m The Toysoldier!!!! One Of Jon’s Friends!!!!!!!!
FuckBooks: TS ilysm pls never leave my life
Sims: All In Good Fun Gerry!!!!!!!!!!
Sims: Oh!! Tim Says It’s Time To Leave! I Will See You Soon!!!!!! : )))))))))))
Timnothy: ..tim??
Sims: i apologize for the interruption please get back to work
girlie-oes - 10:26
Daisy: why the fuck did someone just run into the street with a nerd gun and shoot it through the open window and hit basira before running away cackling?
Poggers: oh fuck
Poggers: @1stMate it war week again?
Poggered: war week?
1stMate: yes
1stMate: they already hit me once today
Basira: lucky
Basira: that was the third time today
Poggered: war week?????
Poggers: jon’s band has this tradition from when they went to America for a concert where they picked up nerf guns from there and randomly have wars where they shoot each other
Poggered: let me guess
Poggered: it was tim and nastya’s idea
Basira: absolutely
Basira: although jonny loves it on the days he’s off
Basira: he does what the rest of the group is bc they are off today
1stMate: i’ll admit i do enjoy it quite a lot when it is a fair game
Basira: when you play it’s never fair! you always cheat!
1stMate: point ignored
Poggered: wow way to dodge a subject you little cheater
Daisy: you should see how he plays the harmonica to freak out that insomniac lady michael is haunting
Daisy: mike sometimes goes with them and has video taped it and it is hilarious
Poggers: ffs jonathan u have to send that to me
1stMate: on it georgina
Basira: hey hey jonny-
1stMate: hm?
Basira: i hear Ivy and Marius planning on jumping you on your lunch break
1stMate: fuck yess i can get them back
1stMate: thxs sira i wont attack u this week just for that
Basira: your the best jonny good luck
ASSistants - 11:47
the hot one: pls tell me someone else sees jon sneaking around with a huge ass nerf gun
the cute one: how can we not
the cute one: he’s not exactly being subtle
the smart one: i asked him and he said he’s going to attack two of his friends when they show up during his lunch break
the cute one: that’s...
the cute one: ...a strangely obsessive answer
the hot one: it’s jon what do you expect
the smart one: oh! there he goes!
the cute one: wow he’s uh
the hot one: surprisingly good-
the cute one: odd
the smart one: i wonder where he even got the nerf gun
the smart one: or these friends
the hot one: i’ve asked him and he said they are all friends from university
the smart one: huh
the cute one: it still feels so weird to picture jon actually having a social life
the hot one: ikr
the hot one: i honestly thought he was married to his job
the hot one: and now turns out he has a huge ass friend group and is technically in a polycule
the smart one: i forgot about the polycule. where are gerard and agnes btw?
the cute one: i think i saw them in the break room eating lunch together
the hot one: and you didn’t even ask to make them your famous tea??
the cute one: i mean it’s a bit fuzzy since i was focused on getting away from them since it seemed like they were having a rather serious conversation
the smart one: makes sense i guess
the smart one: I still don’t know how to feel about working alongside Gerard Keay and Agnes Montague though
the hot one: jon trusts them, that’s enough for me at the moment
the cute one: tbh everything about jon just makes me really confused
the hot one: in what way?
the cute one: idk i just feel weird around him sometimes
the smart one: hmmmmmm
the smart one: could it be a crush?
the cute one: maybe???? i don’t really know if i’m being honest-
the cute one: it’s just weird-
the hot one: well- if you ever want advice, just come talk to the master!
the cute one: alright i’ll go to sasha!
the hot one: traitor
the smart one: come over here martin i want to give you a hug
Notes:
yes annabelle is only names evil friend in jon’s contacts bc she loves spiders, yes michael, jon and mike are a stellar team for basically stalking people, no prentiss is not dead and yes nerf or nothing has infected the mechs and that is what i meant in the earlier chapter when i said tim would shoot jon
Chapter 5
Summary:
war week continues, heterosexuality, lack thereof, switzerland, drunk gay kisses, and homestuck. enjoy folks
Notes:
sorry this took so long guys school has been rough but here it finally is! also here is a username key for the two new chats and a translation for the typing quirks is at the end notes
arson1-Ashes/Basira
arson2-Agnes
arson3-Gerry
engin(qu)eer-Nastya
gpt-MechsTim
onlylikeableone-Brian
sCIENCE/jade-Raphaella
Ivers/rose-Ivy
nomarius/john-Marius
CircusFuck-Toy Soldier/Nikola
latula-Georgie
karkat-Jon
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
fight fucking godTM - 12:07
Jonny: goddamnit @Mįčhæł why the fuck did you let the clown use your doors????
Mįčhæł: śhhhhhhhêš ñįçė tø mmmë
Jonny: and???? i haunt people with you and you stab me all the time??????
Mįčhæł: ñõt thë śæmê
Jonny: type normal goddamnit you’re giving me a headache
Mįčhæł: fuck off jonathan
Daisy: wait you can type normal????
Mįčhæł: of course i’m not stupid
Jonny: welllllll
Mike: Your random ass philosophy rants support you Michael
Mįčhæł: fuck you jonny and thank you babe
Mike: Np
Poggers: WHEN THE FUCK DID U TWO GET TOGETHER????????
Mike: We’ve been together????
Mįčhæł: for a while??????
Jonny: u didn’t know georgina????
Poggers: NO I DIDNT STFU JONATHAN
Annabelle: As much as I love this whole conversation and find it hilarious, it is noon. Georgie continue your editing, Mike finish your lunch, Jon get back to work.
Mike: Yes ma’am
Jonny: ANNABELLE MICHEAL LEFT ME TO BE SHOT DEAD
Annabelle: I sincerely doubt a couple of foam Nerf bullets will kill you, Jonny. Get back to work.
Daisy: i’m not even going to ask about how you know what everyone is doing
Annabelle: ;;;; )
[eye emojis] - 12:46
FuckBooks: [a video with Jon and Agnes getting pelted with Nerf bullets with loud cackling laughter in the background]
OGArson: Gerry, no kisses for a week just for that.
FuckBooks: BABE
Sims deleted a message!
FuckBooks: OTHER BABE
Sims: fuck off gerry
Martean: is this why the archives are covered in those damned foam thingys??
Timnothy: heh thingys
Sims: you are a child
Sasha: can we???? not???? have one normal day?????
OGArson: I blame Gerry. 100%.
FuckBooks: ilyt babe
Sims: i
Sims: no
Martean: no??????
Timnothy: no-
Sims: No.
Sasha: i’m
Sasha: i’m going back to work
Sasha: you know like a responsible adult
Timnothy: : (((
girlie-oes - 15:27
Poggered: guys
Poggered: GUYS
Poggered: G U Y S
Poggers: i’m sitting right beside u what melanie
Daisy: hm?
1stMate: melanie i will shoot u with this nerf gun
Poggered: JON IS TECHNICALLY HET
Poggers: that’s false information
OGArson: I mean he is dating me.
Basira: along with dating gerry
1stMate: i’m not het melanie stop bullying me
Poggers: he’s not het babe
Poggered: THAT WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO THINK
1stMate added FuckBooks into the chat!
FuckBooks: hang on a sec
SpaceFucks(&arsons) - 15:30
arson3: jonny = het
arson1: no, gerry i already cast my vote he’s not a het
arson2: He’s dating me!!
engin(qu)eer: jonny is not het i will shoot
gpt: HA
gpt: JONNY HET?
gpt: HAHAHSHEFJVKDIENSNXIDIWNSM
onlylikeableone: I think Tim is trying to say hell no
onlylikeableone: and I agree 100%
scIENCE: jonny is not a het but for scientific purposes i vote yes
Ivers: Why.
arson3: ?
Ivers: I wanna have more information
arson3: just answer the question
Ivers: Why.
arson1: she won’t stop don’t bother
engin(qu)eer: consider her
engin(qu)eer: ha
engin(qu)eer: switzerland
nomarius: he’s a het but he’s a het who would fuck a dude
onlylikeableone: wtf mar
nomarius: idk just seemed right
CircusFuck: Jonny Is No Heterosexual!!!!!!!He Has Tried To Kiss To Many Guys When He’s Drunk To Be Hetero!!!
arson3: thxs bros
engin(qu)eer: so we’re just gonna ignore TS saying they’ve seen jonny drunk kiss guys?
engin(qu)eer: is that what we’re gonna do?
girlie-oes - 15:38
FuckBooks: jury says jon is not a het
1stMate: who is the jury?
Basira: don’t worry bout it
1stMate: that makes me worry even more
Poggered: damn
Poggered: jon ur really good at convincing people ur not het
1stMate: BC IM NOT
Poggers: imma go ask the other council
fight fucking godTM - 15:43
Poggers: is jon het? y or n
Mike: No who tf thinks Jon is het???
Jonny: melanie
Jonny: save me mike
Jonny: or other mike
Mįčhæł: łmä õöø n ôpė
Mįčhæł: ålšo mÿ an s w ęr is ñó
Jonny: i despise when you type like that
Mįčhæł: sūç k įt b i t čh
…: jon is not het we’ve kissed
Jonny: OLIVER BANKS
Daisy: JONATHAN SIMS U MONSTER KISSER
Jonny: ALICE TONNER I WILL SHOOT YOU
Daisy: TRY ME WANKER
NiCola: Jonny Is Not A Hat!!!
NiCola: Shit
NiCola: *Hat
NiCola: Goddamnit!!!!!!!
Basira: gee jon your not a hat congrats
Jonny: your expectations for me are awfully low, basira, but thank you for the compliment
Mike: I genuinely cannot figure out what your relationship with Basira is
Jonny: have u read that one webcomic???
…: ur gonna need to be waaaaaay more specific jon
Daisy: oh you mean the one where those kids play a game and end the world?
Jonny: YES THAT
Jonny: think of it like that one spade relationship
Jonny: but platonic, more healthy, and with 0 sex
Mike: Jesus
Mike: Jon are you talking about Homestuck??????
Jonny: THATS THE FUCKER
Basira: im not sure if i should be proud of you or pity you for memorizing marius, ivy, and raph’s info dump about that shit
Jonny: oh no me and georgie did a school project on it
Jonny: ask nastya and brian they had to witness us read the whole thing and write confusing ass essays to confuse the professor
…: ok who else is terrified here
Mįčhæł: i’m enjoying this way to much
Jonny: THANK FUCK YOUR TYPING NORMAL AGAIN
Poggers: i still don’t know how you managed to read the trolls typing quirks so well
Jonny: it was very simple
Poggers: I HAD TO SEARCH UP WHAT THEY WERE SAYING SOMETIMES
Annabelle: i really feel bad for your professors
Poggers: yea so do i
Poggers: jonny wrote out all of our essays in every typing quirk that exists in that universe canonically
Mįčhæł: hòłÿ shįt i s thæt whÿ ï gôt áłł thošė wêîrd vîbēš frôm thæt prõfęśśòr å f e w yeārś bãčk¿
…: yknow what
…: i’m going to go pass out from fear and exhaustion
…: night folks
Mike: Night Olly
Daisy: sleep
Basira: sleep
Jonny: sleep
NiCola: Sleep
Mįčhæł: śłêēp
Poggers: well that was fucking creepy
Poggers: night oliver!!
Poggers: we got so off track bros
Poggers: i’m just gonna tell them no
girlie-oes - 16:00
Poggers: jonny is not het melanie
Poggers: council says no
Poggered: I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL
FuckBooks: yes, yes you will
OGArson: Waaaaaait-
OGArson: I have an idea.
OGArson: = D
FuckBooks: oh dear god
[eye emojis] - 16:02
OGArson: Is Jon heterosexual?
Timnothy: yes
Martean: yes
Sasha: probably
Sims: i hate you agnes
FuckBooks: AGNES YOU LOST ADMIT IT JON IS NOT A HET LITERALLY EVERYONE ELSE SAID NO
Martean: wait
Martean: jon your not straight???
Sims: no i’m not
Sims: Yes I am
Sims: goddamnit agnes don’t steal my phone
Sims: BOTH OF U STOP STEALING MY PHONE AND LET ME ANSER THE GODDAMN QUESTION
Sims: ahem
Sims: i’m bi. sorry gerry and aggy wanted to play “steal the Archivist’s phone”
FuckBooks: ...sorry
OGArson: Not sorry
Timnothy: so your bi??? ; )
Sims: and ace don’t get cocky stoker
Timnothy: how sad u think so lowly of me : ((((((
Sasha: well i think that’s fantastic jon! thank you for feeling comfortable enough telling us!
Sims: ah uh
Sims: your welcome?
OGArson: Dear lord just kiss already
FuckBooks deleted a message!
ASSistants - 16:10
the cute one: GUYS JON’S NOT STRAIGHT
the hot one: WHOS GONNA BREAK OUT THE FIREWORKS
the smart one: haha you two are hilarious
the smart one: still i seriously am proud of jon for feeling comfortable enough to tell us!
the hot one: this means we might have a chance with him sasha!
the hot one: fuck i thought this was dms
the cute one: you guys like jon?
the cute one: i though you were dating?
the smart one: sigh
the smart one: we are dating, we just also like both you and jon and want to date the two of you also
the hot one: SASHA
the smart one: what???? you already basically spilled the beans!!!
the cute one: oh uh
the cute one: i’m flattered ah
the hot one: but you don’t feel the same way yeah yeah we get it
the cute one: no!!
the cute one: actually i feel the same way you do,,,
the smart one: you want to date the three of us? is that what your saying martin?
the cute one: ughhhhh yep yep that’s exactly what i’m saying mmhmm yes
the smart one: martin? you alright?
the cute one: just fine and dandy
the hot one: dearlordyouaresoadorable
the hot one: thebothofyou
the hot one: hellallthreeofyou
the smart one: < 3333333
the cute one: uhh < 3 ig
sburg - 18:39
karkat: YOU CAN THANK MIKE FOR THE REEMERGENCE OF THIS GC
latula: fuck not th1s 4g41n
john: HOLY SHIT I FORGOT THIS EXISTED
rose: How dull of you, Marius.
jade: lollllllll i did too tbh :p
latula: 1’m cry1ng why d1d you do th1s 4g41n 1’m cry1ng my phon3 st1ll won’t l3t m3 typ3 norm4lly 1n th1s ch4t
karkat: YOU’RE TALKING TO ME LIKE I CAN FIX THAT HAVE YOU MET ME?
latula: stfu 3v3n m3l4n13 do3sn’t know how to f1x 1t jonny h3lllllllp
rose: Have you thought of maybe, I don’t know, taking it to Nastya?
latula: godd4mn1t you’r3 r1ght
john: she always is!
jade: is that flattery i hear mar???
john: yes yes it is.
rose: How sweet.
latula: 1’m cry1ng n4sty4 won’t h3lp m3
karkat: LMAO
latula: jonny wh4t th3 h3ll d1d you do to my phon3
karkat: MAYBE IT JUST DECIDED TO SIDE WITH ME FOR ONCE
latula: don’t t3ll m3 you’r3 st1ll stuck on th3 whol3 shock1ng cook13s 1nc1d3nt
jade: the what now???
karkat: DOESNT MATTER AND YES IM STILL STUCK ON THAT SOMEONES PHONE SHOULD NOT BURN RAW COOKIE DOUGH THAT I AM ABOUT TO EAT THATS NOT HOW THAT WORKS
john: HAHAHEHEJEJDKXKSMSNWMDKG
rose: Jonny-
rose: Please go to the doctor, I think you are hallucinating.
latula: look 1dk how 1t h4pp3n3d 31th3r but pl34s3 f1x my d4mn phon3 1’m b3gg1ng you 1 h4t3 th1s so much
karkat: NEVER
Notes:
fuck not th1s 4g41n
(fuck not this again)1’m cry1ng why d1d you do th1s 4g41n 1’m cry1ng my phon3 st1ll won’t l3t m3 typ3 norm4lly 1n th1s ch4t
(i'm crying why did you do this again im crying my phone still wont let me type normally in this chat)stfu 3v3n m3l4n13 do3sn’t know how to f1x 1t jonny h3lllllllp
(stfu even melanie doesn't know how to fix it jonny helllllp)godd4mn1t you’r3 r1ght
(goddamnit you're right)1’m cry1ng n4sty4 won’t h3lp m3
(i'm crying nastya won't help me)jonny wh4t th3 h3ll d1d you do to my phon3
(jonny what the hell did you do to my phone)don’t t3ll m3 you’r3 st1ll stuck on th3 whol3 shock1ng cook13s 1nc1d3nt
(don't tell me you're still stuck on the whole shocking cookies incident)look 1dk how 1t h4pp3n3d 31th3r but pl34s3 f1x my d4mn phon3 1’m b3gg1ng you 1 h4t3 th1s so much
(look idk how it happened either but please fix my damn phone i'm begging you i hate this so much)
Chapter 6
Summary:
maki is a cryptid, wrong tims and michael is a menace as wells as annabelle’s dog
Notes:
sorry for taking so long writers block is a bitch hope you enjoy! (also maki is dr. carmilla’s real name i thought it would be a fun treat to have one (1) irl name in the fic lmao
Chapter Text
[eye emojis] - 22:31
Sasha: Jon. We need to talk.
Sims: what for?
Martean: does it involve why you were late this morning?
Timnothy: and why u didn’t bring coffee
Sasha: Please shut up Tim and yes Martin it does involve that. Jon, your office, now.
Sims: alright
glitch - 23:43
Jonny: what the fuck did you do
Jonny: mike and i cant leave you alone for one morning
Jonny: without either of your impulse controls you sputter down and decide to traumatize my assistant
glitch: what are you going on about now
glitch: ah
glitch: yes
glitch: that.
Jonny: WHAT IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN WHY DID YOU MEET SASHA
glitch: i want to be friends with her
Jonny: you don’t scare people into being friends michael that’s not how it works
glitch: it’s how it worked with you
Jonny: i
Jonny: ok FIRST OF ALL nikola scared me into becoming friends with her not you
Jonny: and second I KNEW ABOUT THE SHIT MY ASSISTANTS DONT
glitch: Why don’t your assistants know, Jonathan.
Jonny: shit not what i meant
Jonny: i’m not shoving them into it out of nowhere and i’m actively keeping them away from it so can we please not have this conversation rn
glitch: fine but you’re paying for coffee when i meet all your assistants
Jonny: what
Jonny: what are you talking about
glitch: ≈ ~ D
Jonny: MICHAEL
the Aurora - 23:51
Jonny: i will actually commit murder and not with this stupid nerf gun if one of you comes in tonight or tomorrow to shoot me
ToySoldier: What’s Got Your Knickers In A Twist?!!!
Marius: what the hell jonny i can’t fix that
Nastya: you can’t fix anything your not a doctor
Raphaella: hush nastya i would like to see him try
Ivy: He’d fail.
Raphaella: shhhhhhhhh
Tim: why do you want to kill us more than normal
Jonny: stupid michael visited one of my assistants and freaked her out
Ashes: crazy michael?
Jonny: both of them are crazy try again
Ashes: the one that it hurts to look at
Jonny: that applies to both try again
Ashes: short michael?
Jonny: the sometimes short michael
Ashes: that applies to both of them go die
Marius: blonde michael?
Jonny: yes
Ashes: goddamnit jonny now i want to commit murder as well
Ivy: Don’t commit murder. Either of you.
Raphaella: no wait i want to see Jonny try and get away with it and fail
Jonny: and basira wouldn’t????
Tim: basira has probably already committed murder
Ashes: wouldn’t you like to know
Jonny: daisy has at least killed one person
Nastya: damn ashes
Marius: get it
Ashes: ;)
Nastya: jonny
Jonny: nastya
Nastya: do you want to skip the morning tomorrow and come help me with something rn
Jonny: depends. what am i helping you with
Nastya: your going to help me work on contacting maki and getting together
Jonny: your place or your garage?
Nastya: garage
Jonny: be there in twenty
ToySoldier: The Twins Are Leaving Us!!!!!!!
Tim: they grow up so fast
Timothy - 2:34
Sims: bring us some damn drinks when you and the others get here this is going to take a while
Timothy: ??????????
Timothy: wth?????
Sims: ah hell
Sims: wrong tim
Sims: never mind
Timothee - 2:36
Jonny: bring us some damn drinks when you and the others get here this is going to take a while
Timothee: got it
Timothee: nik insisted we stop by a weird alleyway to get something so we’re gonna be a bit later than ivy predicted
Jonny: that’s fine just please. drinks.
Timothy - 2:37
Timothy: no now i wanna know
Sims: no you don’t
Timothy: yes i do
Sims: no you don’t
Timothy: what is so embarrassing
Sims: i told you that it doesn’t matter
Timothy: it obviously matters since you need alcohol to deal with it
Sims: fine
Sims: me and my friends are trying to get in touch with a uni friend but she is impossible to track down
Timothy: that’s it??? seriously???
Sims: yes?
Timothy: why do you need alcohol then? seems simple enough
Sims: you have not met my friends tim nothing is simple with them. especially maki
Timothy: now i am even more intrigued
Sims: forget about it
Timothy: : - (
aggy - 3:28
gerry: hey aggy do you know where the lighter is?
aggy: You’re seriously asking me that.
gerry: yes bc i don’t want you to have to get up and jon hid it again so we wouldn’t burn his sheet music
aggy: We?
gerry: fine. just me.
aggy: Why do you need the lighter anyway?
gerry: there’s some spiderwebs and i got annabelle’s permission to burn them so jon doesn’t freak when he gets back from being cryptic
aggy: Jon’s always cryptic.
gerry: yeah but he’s being especially cryptic
aggy: Yikes. I’m glad he’s not home then.
gerry: yea maki’s even worse though
aggy: Why must we bring up the she-devil?
gerry: bc the mechs are spending all of tonight to look for her
aggy: Ew.
gerry: ikr
gerry: but anyway
gerry: do you know where the lighter is?
aggy: Top shelf, feel to the left.
gerry: thxs babe
ASSistants - 5:51
the cute one: any idea why jon looks more dead than normal?
the smart one: he didn’t sleep
the hot one: i actually know for once
the smart one: oh all knowing one why does jon look worse than normal
the cute one: please don’t call him that it sounds weird
the hot one: he texted me at like 3 am on accident asking for me to bring over alcohol. apparently he was trying to find an old university friend with some of his other friends
the smart one: i still can’t wrap my head around jon having friends
the cute one: if alcohol was involved jon was absolutely up past 4 am
the hot one: and you know bc??
the cute one: he’s drunk texted me before
the smart one: !!!!!
the hot one: !!!!!!!!!!!
the smart one: martin you’ve been holding out on us!!!!!!
the hot one: why didn’t you say something about this before?????
the cute one: it was in our first week of working here!!!! i didn’t know i could say anything!!!!!
the hot one: alright that’s fair
the smart one: alright,,,
the cute one: but how does it take that long to find a friend from uni????
girlie-oes - 6:36
Poggers: any luck finding maki??
1stMate: arggghhh
Basira: no
Poggered: tf is a maki
Daisy: uni friend
Poggered: shit jon how many uni friends have you kept in contact with???
1stMate: i’ve LOST contact with maki
1stMate: why do you think we were up all night trying to find her?
FuckBooks: ask michael if he ate her
Poggered: wtf??????
Poggered: ate?????
OGArson: He’s our friend Annabelle’s DOG
OGArson: Right, Gerard?
FuckBooks: of course babe
1stMate: how are you not dead on your feet basira?
Basira: unlike some people i didn’t get wasted and left early with ivy and raph
Daisy: ohhh that’s why you smelled like alcohol when you got home
1stMate: rude
1stMate: nastya didnt get wasted either and didn’t leave us
Basira: it was her garage she couldn’t leave
Poggered: i am so confused i’m going to sleep again
Daisy: speaking of sleep, why were you awake georgie?
Poggers: oh i stayed up all night editing my podcast!
1stMate: procrastinating are we
Poggers: stfu ur the one who started up the homestuck groupchat on a whim
Poggered: JON WAS A HOMESTUCK
Poggered: HOW DID I NOT KNOW THIS
1stMate: thought you were sleeping
Poggered: HOW CAN I SLEEP WHEN I HEAR THAT
FuckBooks: easily it’s called being dead
OGArson: Love, we aren’t dead anymore
FuckBooks: whoops
Basira: i worry for you two
fight fucking godTM - 6:42
Jonny: congrats michael you are now annabelle’s dog
Mįčhæł: why
Annabelle: I didn’t agree to this
Jonny: gerry said something about u eating someone in front of a not knowing friend so agnes improvised
Annabelle: I don’t care I don’t want Michael as a dog
Mįčhæł: ≈ ~ (
Mike: don’t worry Michael you’ll always be my bitch
Mįčhæł: ≈ ~ D
Daisy : quickly ignoring that. who’s down for me making a lunch run and getting food and shit?
the Aurora - 18:27
Brian: Who’s down for trying to find Maki again tonight?
Jonny: fuck no
Tim: nO
Marius: No
Nastya: absolutely not
ToySoldier: That Sounds Good Ole Chap!!!!
Chapter 7
Summary:
short chapter but i have a written piece!!! sorry that it's a bit heavy, but vents
Notes:
okay i know episode 28 (melanie's first statement) takes place like a year before she gives her statement, but that wouldn't make sense in my current timeline (a lot of things aren't going to make sense in my current timeline but we'll get to that later) and we are just going to wing it ALSO JUST TO CLARIFY; melanie does NOT know about the entities!!!!! basira doesn't really either!!!!! they just think jonny, daisy and georgie are making it up or over exaggerating!!! they do not know or believe in the entities!!!!
Chapter Text
ghostly g - 18:04
malicious m: georgie
malicious m: georgie who the fuck did you recommend
malicious m: GOD DAMNIT OF ALL THE TIMES FOR U TO BE SLEEPING
malicious m: sarah baldwin is fuckijg weird she creeps me out
malicious m: GEORGIE DID YOU SET US UP WITH A SERIAL KILLER OR SOMETHING???
malicious m: she even SMELLS weird
malicious m: or at least she WOULD IF SHE WOULD STOP SMOKING
malicious m: istg georgie if you recommended me a serial killer i will haunt your ass
malicious m: georgie
malicious m: georgie
malicious m: georgie
malicious m: finally we’re here
malicious m: if you don’t respond by morning i’m going to assume sarah got to you first
ghostly g - 4:02
malicious m: georgie sarah’s not normal
malicious m: she
malicious m: she
malicious m: shit georgie
malicious m: georgie something THREW HER against a WALL
malicious m: she BROKE HER ARM
malicious m: PEELED HER SKIN BACK
malicious m: FIXED IT
malicious m: and then STAPLED IT BACK TOGETHER
malicious m: georgie i’m scared i don’t know what i just saw and i don’t want to ask
malicious m: i even got it on film
malicious m: [a long corrupted video filmed in night vision that shakes ever slightly like the person filming is trembling]
malicious m: damn it’s corrupt
malicious m: georgie you have to believe me i’m not going crazy i know what i saw
malicious m: fuck was i right?? earlier?? did sarah already get to you???
ghostly g: no no sorry i was back reading
malicious m: THANK GOD YOU SCARED ME
ghostly g: i believe you
malicious m: so what should i do?????? just ignore it?????
ghostly g: i think you should go talk to jon
malicious m: how the hell would he be able to help??? we all know the institute is just a place for batshit and drunk people to go give fake horror stories
ghostly g: please go talk to jon
malicious m: you act like he wouldn’t just laugh me out of the building you know how skeptic he is
ghostly g: please i’m not joking i am literally begging you. go talk to jon
malicious m: fine
malicious m: only for you
Poggers - 5:13
Poggers: [multiple screenshots of the previous conversation but melanie’s text is corrupt when she refers to sarah baldwin and when briefly describing her encounter. also the corrupt video is linked]
Poggers: i don’t know if she’s actually going to do it you know how melanie is but here’s a heads up
Jonny: fuck
Jonny: i recognize the name sarah baldwin
Poggers: from my credits?
Jonny: no somewhere else
Jonny: fuck
Jonny: delete her from your contacts georgie
Poggers: ????
Jonny: Nikki says that Baldwin was taken
Jonny: whoever was there with melanie that night wasn’t sarah baldwin
Poggers: you mean to say i sent a skin walker to an abandoned hospital with my best friend and her crew who weren’t even supposed to be there???
Jonny: i wouldn’t put it like that but yes
Poggers: you have no idea how much that would scare me
Jonny: you know i do
Poggers: yea i guess you do
Poggers: do you think we should tell her? about the entities?
Jonny: i think we should wait a little bit longer you know how melanie is
Poggers: yeah your right
Poggers: come over?
Jonny: be there in 5
Poggers: thanks jon
[eye emojis] - 7:29
Sims: i will be late today
Timnothy: yea we guessed
Sasha: your definition of late is being on time
Martean: is everything ok??
Sims: something happened so i am with a close friend and she fell asleep on me
Timnothy: [smirk emoji]
Sims: not like that christ tim
Martean: tim!!!!
Timnothy: whatever you say boss
Sims: anyway i should be in around noon
Sasha: i’ll keep them in line jon!
Sims: thank you sasha see you all soon
fight fucking godTM - 9:48
Mike: Hey guys i’m kinda having a rough day could some of you come over?
…: already on the way
Annabelle: Me as well.
Mįčhæł: i’m outside your door
Jonny: i
Jonny: well now i feel bad when i say i’m getting in my car
Jonny: i’ll be there in 10
Mike: Wow i didn’t expect anyone to really take me serious
Mike: thank you guys
[eye emojis] - 9:50
Sims: so i’m not going to be coming in around noon
Mike shifted his favourite scarf so it covered most of his scar on his neck and sighed as he felt his tea lose all of its remaining warmth. Normally he liked cool tea, but today was different. Today was the anniversary of when he got struck. Mike shivered. Even twenty-eight years later it still was a raw wound to think about it.
Mike walked over to the sink and dumped his cool tea out, watching it swirl down the drain in a bitter spiral. It was such a waste.
There was a knock at his door, (or was it Michael’s door?) and he knocked on his counter in response. He heard the door creak open, the three sets of footsteps entering his flat and the thud of the door closing. Mike closed his eyes as he felt long arms wrap around his torso.
Michael, in all of his wrongness, embraced his partner and Mike finally felt something in him splinter. He started to cry.
At some point Annabelle and Oliver must have rushed over to hug him as well, as the four of them found their way down on the floor beside his kitchen sink. Mike couldn’t tell if his distorted sense of reality was because of his tears or because of his boyfriend. It might have been hours that they lay of that floor, it might have been minutes. The spell seemed to break when the door opened once again.
Jon stepped in, holding a tub of sugar cookies with quite a few bags of ginormous marshmallows on top. Mike felt a little lighter, both figuratively and literally as Annabelle let go and scuttled over to help Jon through the door. Mike thought the noise that came out of his mouth was a laugh, at least it was supposed to be a laugh. Both Jon and Annabelle were short, and they were both struggling to carry the humongous tub of biscuits and the bags of large marshmallows. He wondered how Jon managed to make it over alone.
Michael tightened his grip on Mike as Jon handed him a sugar cookie with a tentative smile. The cookie was warm. It was...nice.
Oliver obviously had a cookie as well as Mike felt crumbs fall into his tussled hair. He turned his head to stare at his friend and quickly began chuckling when he saw Oliver’s cookie covered face.
Annabelle somehow squeezed herself back into the hug and shoved a marshmallow into Michael’s mouth. Jon snorted at the sight and turned to the counter to fix what Mike could only guess is his disgusting Monster-tea concoction.
Mike smiled at the familiar scene in front of him. There was a reason he always kept orange Monster in stock for Jon. It invited Jon to keep bringing Georgie’s cookies over.
There was a drink shoved in his hands by Annabelle. It was hot, comfortingly so, and had a huge marshmallow floating in the middle. Mike snorted. He raised an eyebrow at Annabelle, but she just smirked and sipped her own drink. She had apparently made hot chocolate for the two of them while Jon was busy making his special drink for himself, Michael, and Oliver.
“Ha!” Jon barked as he took a swig of his terrible drink. He passed it on to Oliver, who made a face as he drank, and the passed it to Michael. Who promptly spilled it to the Jon’s disappointment.
Mike’s friends laughed at Jon’s groans. Even he smiled with the hot chocolate, marshmallows and sugar cookie warmth still making him feel like he was floating. As Mike settled into the domestic scene that was his friends, he realized something.
Everything was going to be alright.
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