Little steps

by bellofthetolppl

Summary:

Bellamy Blake meets Clarke Griffin for the first time when his three year old son Gus needs to get his next batch of vaccines up to date. Something about the Alpha resident princess and her attitude towards his son warms his heart and makes him wonder if he has the wrong impression about the people from her station.

Notes:

A/N: Hey everybody! This fic was written as a prompt that I got on tumblr that went like this: if you're taking prompts rn, can you write something for single dad bellamy?

With time, however, I kept writing about it but posting only on Tumblr. I'm on part 9 now there. I'll post a few chapters here to see if there's any interest in the story and if there isn't I'll just delete it and keep posting there.

Comments and kudos are much appreciated.

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake now!

Chapter 1

Notes:

This wonderful edit was made by @Mkguptill! Thank you, Kris!

Bellamy stares at the metal door right ahead and feels Gus jiggle in his lap. On instinct he wraps his hand around his tiny foot and stops him from nervously kicking around, simultaneously leaning over and kissing the top of his head that had the same curls he did and humming quietly and calmly.

“Come on, Gus, ease it out, buddy.” he mumbles in the ear of his three years old son as he pushes his back to his chest. 

Gus looks up with his big brown eyes that were a little bit lighter than his own-they were all Gina’s, but his hair, his face, everything else, it was him. 

She used to joke they made a mini him and from the moment Gus was born he already had a lot of hair that curled around his tiny ears. 

Now three years later he was a spitting image of his dad, face and back marred with freckles, hair curling up and falling over his eyes in the most adorable of ways, even his mouth thinned out when he was angry in the same way Bellamy’s did. 

They were waiting outside the doctor’s office. 

The narrow Ark medbay hallway was mostly empty for which Bellamy was glad as he usually was more worried about Gus getting his vaccines than the kid itself. 

Gus was a quiet boy but he had his dad’s curiosity for learning and his mom’s patience for understanding. 

He didn’t always talk much to people he didn’t know but at home, in their tiny Factory station compartment that was given to Bellamy and Gina when they were married, he could talk almost all the time, always asking his dad questions, needing to know more. 

At day care he liked learning new things, would spent half the day on the tiny round table drawing or going through books the teachers gave him even if he couldn’t read yet. 

He loved playing with the other kids too and he had a few friends he got along with but he was good at keeping to himself as well. 

Bellamy checked his watch, making sure he wouldn’t be late for his shift. 

He had taken the morning off as it was Gus’ first visit at the doctors in the past few months and he had wanted the kid to be checked out thoroughly not just be given a shot. 

Gina had always been better when they had to come here. She used to make fun of him when Gus was still a few months old baby and they had to come in for his first vaccines. 

Bellamy had held him in his lap while the doctor did his thing and when Gus was crying Bellamy had cried too, whispering how sorry he is he’s in pain and that it’d all stop hurting in just a second and that he’ll kiss it away. 

Gina had rubbed his back but Bellamy had been adorably upset all day, he couldn’t even concentrate on his work and got scolded by his boss but he didn’t care.

In the evening when he came back and found Gina nursing him, he had smiled and asked to hold him. 

“You know you’ll have to get used to the idea of him experiencing not just good things.” she had said then as she watched Bellamy walk around the small compartment and nuzzling his nose against Gus’ “He’ll have not just joy but also pain in his life.”

“Not if i can help it.”

“Except you can’t”

“We’ll see about that.” she had chuckled and shook her head deciding to let him off the hook but she had been right. 

When barely seven months later she died in a working accident where half of Factory had ended up on fire and she had burned trying to help some of her coworkers back to safety, Gus had been left with no one but his dad in the world and it had broken Bellamy’s heart.

Now here he was almost two years later, with his son jiggling in his lap and his mind going back to Gina, thinking how great she would’ve been with this if she was here. 

No matter how hard he tried, he thought himself to be a shitty dad. 

He worked long hours, so they could have enough rations and spent all his time off the factory with Gus, making sure he knew how loved he was, playing with him, learning the colors, the numbers or the letters with him, tucking him to bed next to him, bathing him, kissing him and hugging him all the time, not afraid to show him affection. 

But he had also failed a couple times too like when a few months back Gus had gotten so sick he developed pneumonia or how he didn’t have enough rations for vitamins these days and how Gus’ jacket was getting smaller for him and he needed a new one because other kids were making fun of him. 

He felt like no matter what he did, he’d still never be enough for his boy and it broke his heart.

“Dada?” Gus turns his head up to him and reaches his tine hands to cup Bellamy’s stubbled cheeks “Sad?” Bellamy smiles and kisses his forehead.

“No, baby boy, I’m not sad, just thinking.”

“Dada, I’m…scared.”

“There’s nothing to be scared of” Bellamy says calmly, running his fingers through his son’s thick hair. Gus leans a little into his chest and looks up at him with big puppy eyes. “Let’s go over it again.” 

It was a thing Bellamy did with him, reminding him to go through the steps of what was to happen so he sees there’s nothing to be afraid of.

“We will meet the new doctor” their last one Harrison had retired a few months back and they were to meet the new one now, someone going by the name Griffin as the nurse at the reception desk had informed him “We’ll answer all the questions he has for us, then we’ll take off your shirt and he’ll give you the shot.”

“And it’d be…like a pinch!” Gus exclaims and pokes his dad in the chest with his tiny index finger. Bellamy giggles and kisses him again.

“Exactly” he cups his cheek and lifts his head up “So you see…nothing scary!”

“Olrait.” Gus agrees but moves up, turns his tiny body around and climbs into his arms like a koala bear, resting his head over his dad’s shoulder. 

Bellamy holds him tightly, closing his eyes briefly and breathing him in-god he still had that baby smell, that sweet softness to him. 

He never wanted his skin to harden the way Bellamy’s has, he never wanted him to have the callouses he did or the tired circles under his eyes, he never wished for him to stand up for long hours and operate on machines or lift heavy stuff and help patch this old metal can up. 

He didn’t want his back to constantly hurt him so much that he walked hunched on their way back home from work and day care, he didn’t want people to give him pitiful looks or wonder how much he’s busting his ass to provide for his child all alone. 

He wanted better for him.

And he’d be damn if he doesn’t provide it for him.

Gus stays there, playing with the strap of his work jumpsuit and cooing quietly on his own like little kids sometimes did. 

It was sweet nothings really, words that didn’t even make sense but Bellamy closed his eyes and listened to him, letting his heart slow down and gather all his strength for what was about to happen.

When the door opens with a loud ugly crack that he should be used to considering it’s not their first time here, he jumps a little in his seat. He must’ve started dozing off a little, he was that tired and when he rubbed at his eyes tiredly and looked up he sucked in a breath.

“Bellamy and Augustus Blake?” a young woman, maybe a few years younger than him with beautiful blond hair and bright blue eyes, dressed in the usual doctors attire-scrubs and a white coat with stethoscope hanging over her neck smiled at them. 

His jaw fell down a bit and Gus who was usually very shy with strangers at first but otherwise actually enjoyed going to the doctor’s office, dared a quick peak before burying his head back in his dad’s chest. 

“Doctor Griffin?” he asks confused and she smiles even brighter.

“Bet you thought it’d be a 50 year old white haired guy huh?” he looks away shyly as he stands up and Gus wraps himself tighter around his dad. “Don’t worry, that’s the reaction I’ve been getting since I started this job.”

“Sorry, I just didn’t think-”

“It’s all good, come on in.” she welcomes them in her office which is the same as doctor Harrison’s one except now it looked a lot more welcoming especially to kids. 

There was a little table in one of the corners with books and toys, even some pencils and paper, some paintings on the walls that catch Gus’ attention and he moves away from his dad’s embrace to stare at them with curiosity. 

“So, I got from his chart that you’re up for the mandatory vaccines.” she announces when she gestures at Bellamy to sit on the cot and he tries turning Gus around so he’s facing the doctor but his boy has his arms wrapped so tightly around him he refuses to let go for now. 

Bellamy was pleasantly surprised, doctor Harrison didn’t usually do his homework especially for patients coming from Factory. 

He had always treated them with what Bellamy called quiet disgust. 

It’s like he knew he had to do this cause it was his job but he secretly hated even touching them, like they were a disease that could somehow be spread. 

Doctor Griffin definitely didn’t seem like that. She was holding Gus’ file in one hand while she chew on her pen as she went through his data.

“Yes, but I’d like for you to give him a regular check up if possible.” Bellamy explains and she lifts her head up in his direction “I have the ration points for it.” he moves up a bit so he can take out his white ration card from his pocket and extend it in her direction. 

Doctor Griffin drops the file she’s holding and furrows her eyebrows at his hand.

“You can check, I’m not lying. I have the right amount.” Bellamy adds upon seeing her confusion.

“No, it’s not that I just-” she sucks in a breath “Did Harrison make you pay for a regular check up before when you came in for a vaccine?”

“Well-” Bellamy rubbed Gus’s back up and down more in a way to calm himself down than the kid though he was feeling him going slack in his arms once more which meant he was easing up to the situation. 

“Yes. I mean when it was vaccines he’d do just that and we’d leave unless I paid for a check up too.”

“But that is a mandatory thing for doctors to do.” Doctor Griffin huffed outraged as she turned around and tossed the folder on her metal desk “He should do it without charge.”

“Oh.” Bellamy shrugs a little and his hand drops still gripping the card “Are you sure? I don’t mind paying for it, I already earned it.” she shakes her head as she comes closer and pushes his hand gently back to him. 

The touch is electric.

“You’re not paying for a basic health check up that has to be done anyway especially when a child is to receive a vaccine.” she says a little angrily but he can see it’s not directed at him. 

Still he nods gratefully and shoves the card back in his pocket while adjusting Gus in his arms. 

“Now can I see that sweet face?” she leans closer and carefully touches Gus’s back, not too pushy but gently.

“Gus say hi to doctor Griffin.” Bellamy urges but his son doesn’t turn right away so Bellamy has to kiss his head and run his fingers through his curls. 

“Come on, buddy, it’s fine. Nothing to be scared of remember?”

Gus finally pulls away and peaks at Clarke. She smiles at him as she sits on the cot next to them in the most non-intimidating and sweet way Bellamy has seen from a doctor. 

“Hey, Gus. Nice to meet you.” she says.

“Gus!” Bellamy has to prompt him before Gus finally responds.

“Hi” he says letting the tiniest and most adorable of greetings before his eyes fall on the tiny monkey that’s pinned to Clarke’s white coat pocket. 

Clarke of course, immediately notices.

“You like that?” she asks and Gus nods carefully while she unclasps it and puts it in her palm extending it so he could see better.

“That’s the brave monkey. I put it on all the kids that come in here for vaccines or if they’re really hurt.”

“What does it do?” Gus asks peeking down at it.

“Helps them stay brave and overcome the pain.” she says carefully and Gus peels a little more off his dad “Do you want to wear it today?”

Gus hmms then looks up and Bellamy can see he’s no longer shy or scared. 

“I think you put it on dad, cause dad is more scared for Gus than Gus is.” both Clarke and Bellamy chuckle at that and she gives Bellamy a knowing look.

“Is that so?”

“Yeah. He always cries on the way home.”

“Okay, buddy, easy there now.” Bellamy rubs his hand up and down as he finally untangles him from himself and places him on the cot between him and the doctor. 

“I still think you’ll need it more than I do.” Bellamy tells him and Gus after contemplating for a few seconds gives doctor Griffin a nod and she pins the monkey to his pants.

“We put it here first cause we’ll need to take that shirt off so I can listen to your heart and lungs okay?” she explains and Gus nods giving his dad another brief worried look before Bellamy squeezes his hand briefly and nods at Clarke. 

He helps her take off his shirt and maneuver him deeper in the cot before she warms the stethoscope up by breathing into it and pressing it to his chest. 

Quite honestly Bellamy’s surprised with the way she’s doing her job-doctor Harrison never talked to Gus, flat out ignored him and only spoke to Bellamy, asking him to take his clothes off or put them back on or hold him down if he was wiggling too much. 

Clarke was very gentle with him, asked him to breathe in and out, carefully examined him and put down data in the folder (again something Harrison never did.) 

She checks his throat, his eyes, his pulse, even his blood pressure which is much fun for Gus who has never seen or had a cuff put on him and asks her all the questions about it. 

“I saw in his file he’s been sick a few months back?” Clarke asks while she takes his temperature.

“Yeah…a bad case of pneumonia. Started like a regular flu but spiraled up very fast, I…I had to bring him in the middle of the night and we stayed in medbay for five days.” Bellamy still shivers at the memory of his son’s weak coughing body shaking in his arms, his forehead burning, his eyes barely opened as he begged for his dad to hold him. “Is he okay now?”

“Lungs are clear” Clarke assures with a soft smile “His heartbeat’s strong, his blood pressure is perfect, no temperature. You don’t have anything to worry about.” he exhales and watches his son’s eyes pinned on the monkey, staring at it with curiosity. 

“Thank you.” Bellamy exclaims relieved and she nods as if surprised he’s ever thanking her for doing her job. 

“Okay, let’s weigh you in, big boy.” she suggests as she picks him up by his armpits and Gus giggles at that, he always did, before she puts him on the scales. 

That was Bellamy’s worst part of the examination-he always worried about his weight. Ever since he was a boy he always ate fine, nursed good from his mom, then when she was gone, he would eat the formula just as well but once he started switching to algae, he’d have a hard time getting used to it. 

He wouldn’t want to eat, Bellamy would have to force him, beg him sometimes and on couple of occasions he’d dropped weight before putting it back on. He lost quite a lot when he was sick too and Bellamy knew he may have not yet got it all back on.

Clarke must sense his anxiety but she still urges Gus to stay still while she checks on the numbers.

“Is it okay?”

“It’s great. Within the normal rate for his age.” she assures and he exhales a little as he helps her take Gus from the scales and back on the cot. 

“Should I-…should he gain more?”

“Is he eating healthy?”

“Three times a day, one of them at school. He’s not doing well with the algae but I’m trying my best.”

“Hm” she rubs her chin as she lets Gus take the stethoscope off her neck and play with it while the adults talk “You give him soup?” Bellamy nods “There are these new biscuits Farm station are making, have you tried with those? It’s shown kids respond better to them than the soup.”

“I uh…” Bellamy rubs the back of his neck feeling embarrassed “I’ll need to check how many ration points those are.” she doesn’t even give him a beat to think of an excuse or try to swipe it under the rug that he may not have enough ration points for that at the moment before she goes to her desk, pulls up a prescription and writes something down.

“You don’t need to do that. I’ll write you a prescription, it’ll be valid for a month so you can see if he likes them and then figure it out from there.”

“Thank you, doctor.” he says and carefully tucks the piece of paper to his front pocket. He honestly didn’t expect such generosity from a probably Alpha station raised doctor (most medical personal were from Alpha, or at least…about 80% of them). 

“I’m…we’re really grateful.”

“Dada, you should let doctor Griffin check your hand!” Gus exclaims while he’s still staring at her, maybe a little too much than necessary but he does notice the blush on her face “She’s so good, you don’t have anything to be afraid of!”

Bellamy’s and simultaneously Clarke’s eyes fall on the dirty bandage wrapped around Bellamy’s left hand. 

He had gotten a bad cut at work yesterday while they were moving these pretty heavy metal pieces for a patch in Hydra and it had cut him quite deeply staining half his clothes. 

When he had taken Gus from daycare the kid had been so startled by his looks he had thrown himself in his arms and asked what’s wrong and where does it hurt. 

He had thought he was bleeding all over when it was just his hand. Bellamy tried to assure him it’s fine but Gus always worried about him. He’d assumed it’s only fair considering he was his only living relative. Well he and Aurora, his grandmother who Gus adored but that was about it.

“What’s that?” Clarke asks and before he knows it she was pulling his hand up to inspect it, trying to undo the bandage and check on it before he can pull away.

He sure tries to but her grip on his wrist is pretty strong.

“It’s nothing, just a cut.” he tries to explain but Gus is on it.

“He had lots of blod! Can you please check it?” Gus asks politely.

“Gus, we’re here for you, the doctor still has to give you your shots, alright?” Bellamy reminds him but Gus doesn’t give up. 

Instead he completely ignores his dad and turns to Clarke, tilting his head to the side a bit and giving her his signature puppy look that was always what pushed Bellamy to tell him yet another story before bed. 

“That looks infected.” doctor Griffin says with a tired sigh and when her eyes fall on Gus’ cute and worried face she reaches to touch his shoulder. 

“Of course I’ll take care of it. But your dad’s right-first we do your shots, then you can play with some of the toys in the corner huh?” Gus peeks behind his dad’s back to the colorful table and spots the pencils.

“Can I draw?”

“Absolutely.” she promises and he contemplates for a moment but then agrees with a quick nod. 

She takes the stethoscope off his hands and they decide to put him in Bellamy’s lap so he can hold him while she prepares the shots. Clarke notices Bellamy’s biting his lip and getting a little pale at that himself while Gus is just waiting anxiously for her to do it. 

“You should probably look away.” Clarke tells Bellamy while she cleans up Gus’s tiny arms preparing them for the shots. “If you think it’ll make you sick.”

“I got it.” he assures and keeps his eyes on his son, not even flinching when she comes to Gus’s right side. One of his arms is looped around Gus’s stomach and the other is holding his left hand tightly. “You good, big boy?” he asks him as he tightens his grip and Gus nods.

“I’m brave.”

“Yes you are.” Bellamy gives Clarke a quick nod, silently giving her permission to do it and she pinches Gus’s right arm doing the shot with quickness and expertness Bellamy had never seen of any other doctor before. She quickly moves to the left side before Gus had had enough time to get too distraught and repeats the action.

“Good boy, oh you’re such a good boy, great job Gus.” Bellamy praises him once it’s over and Clarke is adjusting the band aids on his arms rubbing his leg gently while Bellamy lifts him up and turns him to him. Gus’s eyes are filled with unshed tears and he’s biting his lip, trying very hard not to cry. 

“No,no, it’s okay, it’s alright, buddy, you can cry.”

“But I want to be brave.” he lets out voice tiny and broken as Bellamy runs his fingers through his hair and pushes his head to his chest, carefully moving them up and down in a soothing manner. 

“Oh, Gus, the bravest people cry.” he says whispering in his ear not ashamed of the doctor overhearing him. Gus pulls away a little, the tears finally streaming down his face, looking adorable in his tiny messy glory. 

“Really?”

“Absolutely.” Bellamy assures as he keeps rubbing his back “Showing your emotions,how your heart truly feels-” he taps at his chest with his finger and smiles “that’s the strongest and bravest thing one could do.” Gus sniffs a little and tilts his head to the side, thinking over his dad’s words. 

“Dad cries too, remember? Like on our way home from the doctor.” Gus nods at that “You think there’s anything wrong with that?”

“No.” Gus says right away “Dad just cares about Gus.”

“Exactly.” Bellamy kisses his forehead again “It’s out of love. Because I love you soooo much!”

“From here to the Earth?” Gus asks lip still jutted out in the most adorable of ways.

“From here to the Earth and then back and then over and over and over again-” Bellamy peppers his face with kisses, brushing away his tears and making him giggle “Infinitely.”

“That’s a lot!”

“I know!” Bellamy smiles as he cups his cheeks “And it’s still not enough to show you how my heart feels.” Gus smiles already forgetting all about the pain and reaching to tap his dad’s chest like he had before.

“You have a big heart, dada.” Bellamy blushes a little at that and finally remembers Clarke’s there too when she comes closer again.

“Yes he does” she chimes in “You doing better, Gus? Do you hurt?”

“No” Gus shakes his head cleaning his face with his own tiny palms, obviously having forgotten his hurdle “Can I go draw?”

“Of course.”

“I don’t think we should keep the doctor up anymore, Gus. Let’s get home and I’ll-”

“You’re not going anywhere until I check that hand!” doctor Griffin cuts him off before he can protest and pushes him back to the cot. 

Bellamy would fight her if she didn’t look that scary but he agrees with a sigh and helps Gus put his shirt and sweater back on, return Clarke’s monkey pin and hop off to the table. 

“Here, let me-” he says, taking the pin from Gus and leaning closer to Clarke, adjusting it on her pocket with unsteady hands. He’s not thinking too much of it but when he pulls back she finds Clarke staring at his hands, blushing a little so he feels the redness creep up his cheek too. “Sorry I-”

“No,thank you, that was kind of you.” she clears her throat and goes back to being serious, focusing on his hand and pulling a metal table with some supplies between them and carefully placing it down. “So, how did that happen?”

“Oh just…work. We were trying to close this hole in a Hydra hallway and I got cut on it.” she humms at that and focuses on unwrapping the bandage and cleaning up the wound. 

“I hope you don’t mind me asking but-” he jumps a little when she presses harder trying to get some of the debris stuck in him “Is his mom around?”

“No, she uh…she died in that Factory station fire two years ago.” he explains carefully.

“I’m sorry.” she says and she sounds like she actually means it which struck him even more. “I remember that explosion, me and my mother were on sight, trying to help the wounded.”

“Many people lost their lives that day.” Bellamy comments a little angrily, but tries to control it, knowing that his thoughts about the way things were at his station and how often there were accidents of various sorts leaving people killed or maimed was not going to help things. 

“So you’ve been raising him on your own?” she’s smart to direct the subject back to Gus for which he’s grateful.

“Yeah, well, my mom helps out when she can but she works a lot too. Insists on giving me a hand with our ration points, says I’m giving everything for him which I am but that’s what a parent does.”

“True but…”she stops her work for a moment and looks at him “You need to take care of yourself too. You can’t neglect your own health or well being.”

“I’m fine.” he waves it off like it’s nothing “It’s nothing but a cut, doctor.”

“It’s an infected cut. If that got septic you’d be dead in a week.” she cuts him off harshly not taking in his light mood and tightening the grip on his hand. He swallows hard and looks away shamefully. 

“I’m not trying to scold you…okay  maybe I am but you must know you are this boy’s whole world so don’t gamble with your life, alright?”

“Thank you, doctor.” he says it meaning it fully and she relaxes a little happy that she’s made her point as she keeps cleaning up his cut before carefully bandaging it up. “You did a great job with him. He seems like a really sweet kid.”

“He is.Except when he doesn’t want to eat his algae.” they both chuckle at that and Gus lifts his head up for a moment before resuming his work on his drawing. “I’m glad you’re our doctor” he adds when she wraps his hand up carefully.

“So am I.” he stands up and clears his throat nervously, reaching for the card in his front pocket again. 

“I uh…I think there’s enough in there for those bandages and everything else-” he tries but she puts her hand over his and shakes her head.

“You’re not paying me for this.”

“But-” he’s at a loss here. He knew well enough doctors had to write down every supply they used and explain why they needed them. “You have to-”

“No. I’ll write it up in Gus’ chart. No one will check if a kid has a bandage or not.” she assures and pats his chest lightly “I insist.”

“But-”

“I didn’t get into this job for rations, mister Blake.” she says seriously and looks into his eyes “I can see how much you care for your son and want the best for him, how you’re sacrificing for him. I became a doctor to help people. And I want to help you and your son.” she’s so close now he can feel her breath fan his neck which makes him blush even more. “Would you let me?”

Bellamy stares into her eyes and something tugs at his heart, something he hasn’t felt in a very long time-it’s familiar, yet not fully, it’s strange but…warm. Ever since Gina died he had always felt his bones cold but now…now with Clarke so close to him, he felt warm for the first time in years. 

“Okay” he agrees, even though he’s never taken help from anyone. Even though he had made a promise to himself to raise this boy on his own, to give him everything himself and never ask or beg for anything.

But Clarke was pleading with her eyes and there was warmth in his bones and something…something tugged at his heart.

And his heart agreed before his mind had, before his pride had made her case, before his shyness gave voice and spread like a red flag to his cheeks. 

He trusted her. For some odd and weird reason, he did.

“We should uh…we should probably go.” she pulls away a little just as Gus comes running to them waving a drawing between them and asking Clarke to see it. It was her, in her white coat and blue scrubs with an entirely too big stethoscope hanging from her neck. 

She told him it’s the best gift she’s ever had and immediately pinned it on the cork board near her desk making Gus proud and in awe that someone was actually admiring his work. 

She hugs him goodbye and gives Bellamy one last look as she instructs him how to change the bandage.

When she closes the door behind them, Bellamy finds himself in the empty hallway with Gus’ tiny hand in his big one already blabbering excitedly about how cool doctor Griffin was.

“Right dad?”

“Huh?” Bellamy asks as they take down the hallway.

“I can make another drawing for the next appointment, right?”

Bellamy smiles and ruffles his curls.

“You most certainty can.”

Chapter 2

Notes:

A/N: Thank you for the kind responce! Here's chapter two!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

“Easy there, Gus, come back here, please” Bellamy mildly scolded his son when he ran down the medbay hallway looking at the paintings hung on the wall. 

They’ve been waiting to see doctor Griffin for the past forty minutes and Gus was uncharacteristically energetic after daycare, which proved to be a problem for Bellamy, who was exhausted after yet another shift at work.

“But dada, look at this! It’s the montans”

“You mean mountains?” Bellamy asks when he carefully stands up and slowly walks to his side, cradling his right arm to his chest. 

“Yeaw! Awent they butiful dada?”

“They most certainly are, but I don’t want you drifting down the hallway where I can’t see you.”

“But dada-”

“Do you want to get lost like that time with your friend Jordan?” Gus shakes his head and juts his tiny lip up giving his dad his signature puppy face that usually earned him whatever he craved. 

Bellamy knew reminding him of the time he and his friend from daycare ran off while the teacher wasn’t looking and got lost in the Factory station hallways would scare him and he’s right because when he reaches out his good hand his son takes it and follows him back down towards doctor Griffin’s office.

“No.”

“That was scary wasn’t it?”

“Yeaw. Very scary.” 

“It was scary for dad too.”he still remembers how they called him from work, pulled him to the side and said his son disappeared and the guards are trying to find him and the Green boy.

He’d almost passed out and then got so worried he demanded he went looking for Gus himself but by the time he had swiped up their compartments hallways the guards brought him and Jordan back and he was about to cry out in relief. 

Since then he’d instructed Gus to always be aware of his surroundings, to make sure he stays close to the teacher and his class, but he was after all a three and a half year old boy with a sense of adventure inspired by the many stories his dad told him, so it was easy to say Bellamy’s heart never truly rested when it came to his son. 

“I don’t want to lose you ever again, so please stay close.”

“But can we look at them later? They are so pwetty, dada!”

“Yes, we will, when we’re done with doctor Griffin we’ll take a walk.” Bellamy promises and helps him up to a seat on the metal chair next to his own before carefully sitting down himself and groaning at the pain from jostling his shoulder.

That, of course, doesn’t go unnoticed by Gus.

“You okay, dada?”

“I’m fine.” he promises through teeth and flashes him a fake smile, running his fingers through his messy curls and pulling him to his healthy side. “Now tell me what you learned at school today.”

Gus starts chatting right away, telling him all about learning more letters and colors and how he was the best at recognizing them and then later how they played ‘Alphas versus Factories’, a game of chasing that Bellamy used to play too when he was a kid, in which the Alpha station “guards” chased the brave “strikers” from Factory, who hid and sneaked around. 

He wasn’t too fond of it but he also knew there was no way he could ever tell Gus not to play it since every kid on the Ark no matter the station, did. 

At some point Bellamy rests his head on the metal wall and closes his eyes letting the warmth of his son curled up next to him and his sweet soft voice lull him to sleep. 

He’s been taking extra shifts lately, trying to save up more for new clothes for Gus and put aside ration points for his birthday which wasn’t too close but in order to be ready for it, he knew he had to start preparing early, so he could give Gus the best. 

That meant he was dead on his feet and most nights when he picked him up from daycare and took him home, he almost wished he’d pass out right away but he had to feed him and give him a bath, then tell him a story and just…be a dad. 

Not that he was regretting any of it, he wasn’t-he was the happiest father on earth with a child like Gus-so smart, easygoing, shy and a little stubborn but with such a big kind heart-that he could never complain. 

Yet…he was so exhausted he worried he wasn’t giving him his best.

He does register a door being opened but he’s so tired he can’t will himself to open his eyes right away. 

It felt like something was pulling him so hard against the ground, he couldn’t fight it no matter what.

“We’re not here for me. Dada hurt his arm at work and grandma made us come cuz it urts him.” he hears Gus chatter and he wants to wake up and be coherent but at the same time his head only lolls to the left over Gus’ and he feels weightless. 

“It urts him bad, doctor Clarke, so you gotta pwease fix him?”

Bellamy feels a sharp shake of his shoulder and he wakes up with a jump, feeling a burning pain through his entire arm and side. 

“Bellamy?” it takes him a minute to focus on her, his vision blurry and not always the best in general but even worse after he woke up, but once it clears he sees a worried Clarke Griffin looking down at him.

“Hey, doctor Griffin.” he says and tries to smile but when he moves up his face twists in pain “I’m sorry, I must’ve dozed off.”

“There’s nothing to apologize for.” she assures but her hand has still not left his shoulder and he feels the warmth of her there pool all the way to his heart,making him blush ever so lightly of having her so close to him. 

Since their first appointment, they’ve been here three more times. 

Well technically, two-one was another mandatory check up for Gus, the other was again because his boy fell down and god a nasty cut on his forehead which required stitches and the third was at daycare when Bellamy went to pick him up and found her checking the kids for lice. 

All three times she had been extremely kind and they found that they enjoyed each other’s company. 

Talking to her was easy, she was gentle and calm but also definitely a strong-willed badass woman. 

After that day in day care, she had walked with him and Gus to the Factory station playground and before they even knew what they were doing, they were sitting on a metal bench while Gus swung on one of the three swings they had there, talking about stations policies, class difference and how she was struggling but desperately trying to change the system as it was unfair especially when it came to medical care, towards patients from Factory and Hydra. 

They’ve spend more than two hours not just talking but arguing too, Bellamy giving her his perspective, pointing out things she hadn’t even thought about and they’ve even come close to verbally fighting before they were swiftly interrupted by Gus, who diffused the situation with his charming face. 

Still, after they parted, Bellamy spend the evening, and actually the next few days worrying that he had said too much, talked too loudly, expressed his arguments in a harsh and even somewhat too hotheaded way. 

He beat himself up, wondering how stupid he could’ve been. 

She might be a nice decent doctor, but she was an Alpha station princess, her mother was on the council and ran the medical department herself and her dad was the chief engineer. 

She could get him arrested for his words, floated even and he had been so foolish to trust and speak his mind out to a person he didn’t truly know.

He didn’t sleep for a week, he was that scared that one night the guards would come knocking on the door and arrest him in front of his son. 

But the days passed and nothing happened and he found himself feeling even more stupid for being anxious about such a thing.

Then another thing settled in his stomach-what if he was too rude? 

What if he offended her? 

She might’ve not ratted him out but she was a still a sweet and caring person who had done nothing but help him and Gus while he had offended her and her station, called them privileged and blind to the life on the Ark.

Either way he was embarrassed out of his mind and he spent way too much time wondering, going through the conversation word by word, mentally scolding himself about being the world’s greatest dumbass.

That was also one of the reasons why when he got hurt at work, even though he sensed it was worse this time, he didn’t want to come to medbay. 

It had to be Aurora seeing him coming from his shift last night and noticing how he can’t even lift his arm, to push him here. His mother was a force he did not want to fight with knowing she’s always right and he’ll unfortunately always lose no matter how stubbornly he fought her on it especially when it came to his own health.

“Gus said you guys came because of you?” he remembers himself, having drifted off for a moment and blushes even harder “Something about your arm?”

“Yeah, I…I fell at work” he looks down at his hand clenched to his side “It’s probably nothing but my mom insisted I paid you a visit.”

“That definitely doesn’t look like nothing.” Clarke scolds mildly before coming to his good side and helping him up “Come on, let’s check it out. Gus, you want to open the door for us?”

His son was already on his feet rushing to the other side, perching himself up on his toes and reaching for the handle, opening the door with a loud bang.

“It’s okay, I can walk, I’m not an invalid.” Bellamy tries to shake her off, pull away a little but her grip on his elbow was strong and she only frowned at the way he winced whenever he so much as barely moved his hand.

“Dada, on the cot!” Gus commands sweetly after closing the door behind them and following Clarke and his dad to the cot near the window. 

Clarke chuckles a little at that and Bellamy smiles at his son who looks up at him still with worried eyes when he’s carefully placed on the cot. 

“You like playing doctor, don’t you?” Clarke asks him and Gus nods and utters a cute quiet “Mhm” while climbing next to his dad on his own. “You want to assist me today?”

“Yeaw!” Gus claps excitedly as he watches Clarke push the metal cart with her tools near them and gestures for Bellamy to start taking his shirt off.

Which of course proves to be a problem, so she carefully helps him take off the straps of his greasy jumpsuit and grabs the hem of his old full-of-holes blue shirt before peeling it off of him. 

She bites her lips when she sees the state of him-there was a big bruise on his right side and his whole shoulder and arm were angry red and swollen.

“What happened?” she demands her voice to be calm because of Gus but she’s already feeling herself get angry and frustrated while Bellamy clears his throat and looks down at his feet, in a sweet shy manner just like his son. 

“I fell at work.” is all he offers as she slips on her blue latex gloves and comes to his side, carefully touching his shoulder and testing the are.

“That’s all? You fell?” he tries to shrug but he’s so pathetically bad at it that it only results in him groaning and Gus giving him a worried look. “Fell how?”

“Well we were on that high scaffolding, trying to fix the big ceiling hole in Mekka when there was some gravitational current and it caused me and my friend Miller to lose our balance.”

There were often changes in the atmosphere the Ark was in, so it wasn’t unusual for whole stations to go through what people on the ground called earthquakes. 

Sometimes it was fast and barely lasted a moment like it was in that case but sometimes it could be very dangerous and lead to engineers staying up late working on trying not to let whole stations be ripped apart from the main core. 

“I heard about that…wasn’t it over a week ago?” his cheeks get even more red and he avoids her eyes.

“Well…yeah but I didn’t think it was so bad at first.”

“And how was it then?”

“Sorry?”

“How was it at first? The pain?”

“Well I fell sideways and crashed pretty hard, my friend Miller landed somewhere over me and I think that added to the blow.”

“You cushioned his fall?”

“I guess…kind of?”

“Well did your friend Miller have any complains?” she arches an eyebrow and stops her work for just a moment just so she could hear the whole story before checking him out thoroughly.

“Just a few bruises.” Bellamy utters sheepishly under his nose and she shakes her head at that. 

“You didn’t answer me-how bad was the pain?”

“Dada, you gotta be honest.”Gus chimes in when Bellamy takes a moment too long to respond, feeling himself growing ever more so incredibly embarrassed. “She can’t help you otherwise.”

“Your son is very smart.” Clarke smiles at Gus whose whole face beams “You should listen to him more.”

“Oh please don’t encourage him!” Bellamy protests in a joking manner but his smirk turns into another wince when he moves further up the cot in an attempt to pull away from Clarke. 

She was scary whens he was serious. 

But she was also beautiful and being too close to her…did things to his head.

And heart.

His poor heart.

“I’m still waiting for an answer.”

“Well it wasn’t too bad. It hurt some and I thought it’d pass like all the times I’ve fallen before.” Clarke crosses her arms over her chest and he feels like she wants to smack him on the back of the head for being a stupid idiot.

Frankly, she wouldn’t be completely wrong.

“But then it got harder to move it and my mom…well last night she saw me wincing and being out of breath, so she insisted I came.”

“Or she’d drag you by the collar herself and let the whole station make fun of you wiping the floors clean, right dada? That’s what she said?” Gus adds rubbing the back of his head trying to remember his grandma’s precise words. 

“Something like it, yeah.” Bellamy utters furrowing his eyebrows at Clarke’s amused expression.

“I really want to meet your mother some day, mister Blake. She sounds like such an interesting person.”

“Grandma Rory is the BEST!” Gus exclaims enthusiastically “She reads me from The Iliad just like she did dada when he was a boy and she lets me eat all the biscuits I want.”

“That’s not too good now, Gus, is it?” Bellamy groans lightly but Gus just shrugs amused at his dad’s behavior. 

“Okay, now let’s get to it. Can you please try and lift your arm up as far as you can go?” she asks and Gus grows quiet at the examination. 

Bellamy really does his best but he ends up barely making it halfway through before he has to bite his lips to prevent himself from actually yelling. 

Clarke carefully grabs his elbow and brings his arm back to his chest.

”Okay, easy, let me see.” her small cold hands expertly move over his arm, from his shoulder to his elbow and down to his fingers.

“Has the pain worsened with time?”

“Yeah.” he doesn’t want to admit it knowing it will worry Gus and indeed the boy’s eyes do grow wider but he doesn’t say anything.

 Bellamy hates doing this to him. He already had enough of pain and suffering in his life, he didn’t need this. 

“Tingling? Numbness?” Clarke keeps on while checking his elbow and then back up to his shoulder and back.

“Yeah, down my fingers.” she hums knowingly before she lets it drop back down and move to his side where she threads over the heavy bruising on his ribs.

“Are you gon listen to dada’s heart?” Gus asks when he sees her take out the stethoscope and press it to his chest. 

Her proximity is even closer than before now and he feels her light breath fanning his neck. 

She seems completely focused when she makes him breathe in and out, asking if it hurts when he does so (which yes, it definitely did) and then taking in his pulse and blood pressure, as well as temperature which Gus stands up on the cot for and helps Clarke with following her instructions.

Once she’s done, she doesn’t say anything right away, instead she grabs his chart and starts filling in some data.

There’s a light shift in the mood in the room and he notices she goes back from their friend Clarke to her doctor self-precise, focused, determined which is why he’s scared to ask anything at first and why he and Gus exchange confused yet sweet looks before Bellamy finally musters up the courage to speak.

“So what’s the verdict, doc?” Clarke looks up from her chart and takes in a deep breath before faking a big bright smile at Gus and putting down her pen.

“Hey, Gus, you know where the children’s corner is right?” Gus nods a little confused “How about I call nurse Harper to take you there and you have some fun with a few of the other kids that are waiting like you?”

Gus contemplates for a moment and looks up at Bellamy, jutting his bottom lip in his worrisome way just like before.

“Is dada okay?” he was too smart even for his young age, not to see through Clarke’s words.

“He’s fine.” Clarke promises reaching out to touch his knee in a calming manner “I just need to discuss some things with him, wrap his hand, do some x-rays and then you’ll come back up, alright?”

“It’s okay, buddy, I’ll be fine.” Bellamy promises touching his back gently and leaning in to kiss his head. 

“But you’ll be here when I come back? You won’t….disappeaw?” his words broke Bellamy’s heart. 

He knew Gus had those fears sometimes, because he didn’t have a mom, that one day he’ll wake up or come from daycare and Bellamy wouldn’t be there to pick him up or that something bad had happened to him at work and that’s why he was with grandma Rory for the evening. 

Bellamy hated that he had those fears, that anxiety and he always made sure to ease him up in moments like this. 

“I won’t disappear. You can ask doctor Griffin herself, okay?” Clarke nods reassuringly and keeps rubbing his knee.

“Give me an hour and I’ll bring him to you and you’ll go home together, how does that sound?” Gus shrugs, still a little uncertain “I bet if you’re a good boy, he’ll buy you some of those nice algae candies that Farm station sell.”

“But we don’t have rations for that!” Gus opposes and Bellamy winces but not from the pain this time. 

He squeezes his eyes shut and wills himself to breathe through the pain of his son knowing he can’t the things all the other kids do.

“We do.” Bellamy says a little forcefully and squeezes his son’s tiny shoulder “Now be a good boy and go. We’ll see each other in a bit.” Gus nods and almost jumps off the cot before he remembers something, then he perches up on his toes and kisses his dad’s cheek.

“Good luck kiss, dada!” Bellamy pulls him in for a kiss on the forehead.

“Thank you, son.” it was their thing. Every day before day care Bellamy would kiss him goodbye and tell him good luck for the day. Gus would hug him tightly in return and cuddle for a moment too long, making his dad’s heart clench with all the warm feelings. 

They did it before a big test or occasion they had too, like going to the doctor for vaccines or Gus first trip around the Ark with his class which was anxiety inducing and eye-opening for every kid. 

Clarke took him out the door and Bellamy heard her talk to another woman leaving him with his thoughts for barely a minute before she returned and the look on her face said she was angry.

“Your shoulder’s dislocated.” she states when she leans on her desk and gives him a serious look “But I’m guessing this isn’t the first time that’s happened?” he shakes his head. 

He had a similar injury when he was a teenager when he first started working and a bunch of metal pieces in the old Factory station warehouse fell off the shelves and piled up on him. 

It hadn’t been half as bad then, the doctor popped it back up in a minute and he felt fine just after a few days.

He’s had that similar feeling of something in his shoulder being out of it’s place more than once before but it always passed on it’s own.

”It’s worse now because judging by the swelling and your symptoms you probably tore some of the muscles and ligaments too.” he swallows hard at that “Which would require surgery.”

“Shit.” he curses feeling frustrated now himself “Are you sure?”

“Pretty sure. I still need to do an x-ray but depending on the tear you’ll maybe need from three up to six weeks off work.”

“What? No! I can’t afford that.” he tries to stand up but the pain is so hard he cradles his arm to his chest again and curses angrily “Can’t you just pop it and let me go?”

“I will set it back but I can’t fix the muscle damage without opening you up.”

“What if I refuse the surgery?” her eyes go wide at that and she pushes up from the desk. “I don’t have the rations for it anyway.”

“You won’t be spending rations. We’ll report it as a work injury even if you come over a week later.” he huffs at that and waves his good hand at her.

“Like they’ll believe me! They’ll say I’m cheating just because I’m from Factory.”

“You’ll have your friend Miller testify for you before the board.” he shakes his head again and stubbornly tries to stand up which makes her even more pissed off so she strides to him and pushes him back to the cot. 

“Bellamy, listen to me, your injury is serious. If we don’t fix this now, you will lose grip of your arm. The swelling and the pain will remain and with time you’ll worsen.”

“I can take some pain.”

“It’s not that, you don’t get it. This is permanent. It’ll lead to you losing your job altogether because you won’t be able to use your arm properly, do you understand me?” he furrows his eyebrows at her but she can see she’s getting through him.

“It will be a chronic condition.” she persists “It won’t be just a few weeks you’ll miss…you’ll be cut off entirely.” he swallows hard at that. 

He knew well enough, had so many examples over the years of people from Factory getting serious injuries, being unable to walk or even move and getting a rationing pension that was comically small. 

The Ark didn’t support people who couldn’t work for it, so instead they starved them to death or let them rot and struggle for years before they finally passed.

A shiver runs down Bellamy’s spine and Clarke senses his fears because she grabs his good hand and squeezes it tight.

“Okay?” she asks and he nods in understanding which makes her relax a little and pull back so she could get to work now that she’s convinced him. “I’ll set it back now and then we’ll do some x-rays and talk to doctor Jackson. He’s a really good orthopedist.”

“Won’t you be doing my surgery?” he asks suddenly confused as he watches her pick some gauze.

“Well I can if you want me to but he’s more experienced and-”

“I want you.” Bellamy insists “Only you.” Clarke smiles at that and after a beat gives him a firm nod.

“Alright then, one step at a time-first we fix that bad shoulder and I wrap your ribs which by the way are cracked and then we’ll figure out the rest.” he nods and she can see he’s already overthinking everything, probably trying to figure out how many days of work he’ll miss and how to make up for them. 

His forehead creases and she stops her work for a moment.

“Bellamy, it’ll be okay.” she assures and gives him a soft smile “I know it’ll be hard and painful but I can prescribe some extra rations and-”

“No, you’re already doing more than enough for us.” he interrupts her but not coldly or harshly, simply stubbornly, in his usual determined manner that got him where he was “I’ll figure it out.”

“Well you don’t have to figure it out on your own.” he gives her a surprised look “I know we haven’t known each other long but…I do consider you a friend and friends help each other out.”

“So….you don’t hate me” she tilts her head in confusion “For all the uh…well my…uhm…the talk we had that night with Gus on the playground?”

“What? No! Of course not. We were simply talking. I love a good argument. Most of the time people are afraid to tell me what they think because of who I am and where I come from.” he breathes out relieved and it doesn’t go unnoticed by her “You weren’t. I appreciate that.”

“Okay.” she resumes her work applying ointment to his ribs when she remembers something and stops gritting her teeth annoyed “Wait…was that why you didn’t come here earlier?” he ducks his head and looks away once again looking much like his son when he was in trouble. 

She sighs and rubs her forehead tiredly.

“Not really…I guess I just thought it’d pass on it’s own but…I was a little anxious to see you again.”she picks up his chin and forces him to look at her.

“I’m sorry to tell you this…” he swallows hard at her serious expression “But that’s the stupidest excuse I’ve ever heard in my life.” he chuckles and his breath fans her face.

“I know…I’m an idiot.”

“Your words, not mine.” she says humming and puts her hands on both sides of his arm “Ready to put this back to it’s place?” he nods and squeezes his eyes shut. 

The pain is much harder than he anticipated and it’s clear by the way Clarke’s eyes get from light blue to dark that she didn’t expected that either. 

He can’t catch his breath and she pushes him down to the cot while she prepares the sling so he can rest if for just a moment after which she rolls him off to the x-ray room and takes some blood samples. 

For once he’s glad Gus isn’t in the room anymore and the thought of his son alone is enough to bring back some of his strength and push away the pain.

By the time Clarke’s done with the x-rays and coming up with a plan for the surgery and physical therapy, it’s been more than an hour and when the nurse brings Gus back in, he rushes to his dad and throws himself in his arm, wrapping his hands around his neck and holding onto him for dear life.

“He begged me to bring him back to you.” the nurse apologized softly while Bellamy rubbed Gus’ back with his one good hand biting back a wince in his already wrapped up in a sling arm when his boy presses too hard to him.

He can’t help but groan a little at the pressure and Gus pulls away.

“Dada, you okay?”

“I’m okay.” he promises kissing his forehead “I’m sorry we took so long.” Gus shoves his index finger in his mouth chewing on it a bit like he did when he was nervous, a habit Bellamy was trying to break but which he didn’t stop now simply because he didn’t have the heart to scold him.

He looks up at Clarke who had sent Harper off and was carefully approaching them now, sitting on the cot next to Bellamy. 

“Did you fix him?” Gus asks her still leaning his head on his dad’s good side, arm clenched around his, refusing to let him go.

“Almost.” Clarke looks up at Bellamy for approval and waits for his patient nod before she continues “I still have to put dad to sleep in a few days so I can open up his arm and fix it properly.” Gus furrows his eyebrows at that letting his finger fall off his mouth.

“Why?”

“Because there’s a wound in my arm, buddy. Doctor Griffin needs to fix it.”

“But I don’t see blud” Gus opposes looking at his shoulder with his curious eyes. 

“The wound is on the inside like when your friend Thomas jumped from the top of the staircase and hurt his head-there wasn’t blood but he still hurt.” Bellamy explains patiently and Gus contemplates on it for a moment.

“He had cuncuson. Do you have that, dada?”

“Not exactly, big boy but-”

“But I’ll fix it.” Clarke intervenes again, reaching to his knee and gripping it tightly, offering him a soft smile.

“Will it hurt him?” Gus’s bottom lip trembles again and he buries himself even deeper in his dad.

“No, he’ll be asleep and then he’ll wake up.” Gus doesn’t seem to convinced because his head falls and he buries his face in his dad’s chest while Bellamy keeps running his hand through his curls in a soothing manner.

“Hey, it’s okay if you’re scared Gus. I am too.” he whispers and Clarke once again marvels at the way he was able to talk to his son with such ease about such serious matters. 

“It’ll be fine. I’m in good hands you know? Doctor Griffin is the best and she’ll fix me right up.” Gus looks up at him with big brown eyes and it seems he finally lets the words sink in a little even if he was still a little shaken.

“Will you give dada the monkey pin?” Gus asks turning his head back to Clarke, pulling away just barely. Clarke would bet he wouldn’t leave his side for the rest of the evening, if not the following few days.

“Of course.” 

“Awkay.” he leans his cheek back on his dad and settles down for a moment.

“Do you have any other questions?” Bellamy prompts but Gus shakes his head and Clarke stands up, rubbing his back just barely before taking off her white coat and heading to the desk.

“Is your shift over?”

“Yes, in fact it has been for a few hours.” he takes notice of her now, how tired she seemed, the dark circles under her eyes almost identical to his, a small yawn escaping her lips as she pulled on her jacket. 

“I’m sorry for keeping you up so late.” he feels bad now, for pulling up a fight, for making her work harder. 

They could’ve done it faster if he wasn’t so stubborn to begin with. 

He helps Gus off his lap and staggers a little when he stands up too abruptly which doesn’t go unnoticed by her. 

“Easy, don’t strain yourself.” she scolds gently but then squeezes his eyes at him when she takes notice of his paler face and unstable walk. 

At first she had thought it was because of the pain in his arm and ribs but now the truth dawned on her. 

“When’s the last time you ate?”

He rubs the back of his neck with his hand just like Gus did when he was thinking too hard on what lie to come up with.

“Uh…I’m…-”

“If you have to think so hard on it, then it wasn’t today.” she sighs rubbing her forehead tiredly. “Come on, we should all go to the mess hall together.” she decides “What do you say Gus, do you want to grab dinner?”

“Yeaw!” Gus claps his hands excitedly.

“Gus-” Bellamy warns a little “I don’t think we should bother doctor Griffin more than we’ve already had.” 

“Nonsense.” she waves her hand at him and grabs her messenger bag, throwing it over her head. “At least that way I’ll know you actually ate something.”

She looked like an entirely different person now that she was no longer wearing her scrubs and in a way it made Bellamy’s heart sink a little because her clothes were new and bright, her hair was down and perfectly cut with the tiniest of strands tied on the back making it look like a crown, her shoes had all their parts on in the proper places, not hanging from somewhere, her nails were painted red.

He’s never even seen nail polish, only heard of it.

Meanwhile he was dressed in his old washed out greasy blue jumper that had cuts and patches all over, his t-shirt was embarrassingly full of holes around the neck and sleeves, his boots were falling off at the seams. 

He can’t remember the last time his mom cut his hair and he had dirt under his nails. 

Gus’ pants were too small for him, making his ankles stick out in the open in their proud skinny glory, you couldn’t tell if his shirt was red or orange anymore even if it didn’t posses as many visible holes as Bellamy’s and he knew that his shoes were already a bit too tight for him.

He couldn’t go to Alpha station’s mess hall with Clarke Griffin looking the way he did unless he wanted her to be the talk of the Ark tomorrow. 

She’s done too much for him and Gus to be embarrassed like that.

“Actually, if you want we can hang by the swings again” he suggests carefully, trying to sound as nonchalant as he can “Rations in Factory aren’t delivered for two more hours anyway.” she furrows her eyebrows at that so he keeps going before she can interrupt him “If you’re hungry though, you should definitely go back home to Alpha. We’ve been a pain too much today.”

“Why do they give you dinner so late?” he shrugs and looks away at Gus who had split from him and ran to the table to draw while the grown ups finished talking. 

He didn’t know how to explain to her that her life was not his, that he could spare only so many points for dinner tonight and he could never afford to sit in the Alpha station mess hall where they served things like tomatoes, apples, even goddamn cake (which he had never even tasted in his life). 

A proper meal there would cost two months of work for him. In Factory he considered himself lucky if the cook filled his algae soup ball just a bit over the middle of the bowl. 

“I never knew that. I thought it was the same for everyone.” Bellamy’s once again not sure what to say to that, so there’s a moment of uncomfortable silence before she clears her throat, runs her fingers through her hair and then adds more cheerfully “I’d love to go to the swings, though.” Gus, upon hearing that, jumps from his chair and yelps cheerfully.

Still, he insists he holds his dad’s hand on the way there but the difference is, he lets Clarke hold the other one and upon parting ways, he throws himself in her arms and kisses her cheek goodnight.

Bellamy’s not sure what keeps him up awake that night-the pain in his torn up shoulder or Clarke Griffin’s warm smile when she held his son in her arms. 

Chapter 3

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all for the wonderful comments! I'm not sure why I keep posting here since everyone already read it on Tumblr but I guess it's more easy for you all to read it even if I hate being on here.

For those of you who are new to the story-there's a lot of hurt/comfort in it (mostly hurt!Bell) which is what I typically write but also a lot about the Ark's structure and society which has been very fun for me to write.

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Clarke takes another right turn down the complete maze of hallways in Factory, huffing and puffing, getting a little annoyed that she can’t find the right place.

It doesn’t help that people seem to be shooting her angry and confused looks until she remembers that she’s still wearing her doctor’s white gown which must surely be the reason why this was happening. 

She’s only been on house calls in this part of the Ark once and it was because of the fire accident all those years ago that took Gina’s life as well. 

But now she was supposed to find 171 GD Compartment complex and get to Bellamy’s place and that obviously proved to be a struggle for her. 

She tried stopping a few people but one man flat out grunted at her while another woman passed her by with fear evident in her eyes. 

She knew Factory station people rarely went to medbay unless it was completely necessary but were they that scared of a doctor?

Finally, she found a friendlier older woman just when she had taken another wrong turn, who smiled, though looked at her with surprise as she spoke after Clarke gave her the address she was looking for.

“Oh, that’s the Blake’s place. You need to make two right turns down that hallway and then a left ,keep to the end of the narrow one and you’ll find them, dear.”

Clarke had thanked her profusely, smiled kindly and kept striding on.

In all fairness she wasn’t just annoyed at her inability to find the place. 

She was mad that Bellamy had been an idiot once again.

It’s been just two days since he left medbay, four after the surgery. 

Clarke still remembers the morning he came in with his mom after they had left Gus at daycare. 

She met Aurora Blake for the first time then and found her to be a smart, yet very reserved woman. 

They quickly warmed up to their mutual feeling of wanting to scold Bellamy who apparently hadn’t been listening to any of the things Clarke had advised him to after their visit last week and had kept straining himself, helping Gus with school, picking up their rations, even helping his mom mending clothes with his left hand of all things instead of lying down and resting. 

Clarke almost felt bad for him when his mom helped him to the cot and instructed him to listen to everything the doctor says and not be a stubborn hotheaded rebel idiot. (her words, not Clarke’s). 

There was no one to stay with him before and during the procedure. 

Aurora had to go to work, it was their only source of rations income right now since Bellamy was allowed a surgery without paying but he wasn’t going to receive any extra rations during his recovery no matter how hard Clarke tried to fight it. 

Even going to the health commission hearing had been a pain-despite Bellamy’s friend, Miller, being there to confirm the accident, the old men and women from the medbay council still tried to make it out as if Bellamy did this on purpose, that he didn’t report the injury right away so there was no way to be certain how or when it happened and that he should pay with ration points for at least half of it. 

Clarke had fought fervently on his behalf as his doctor and with the help of Miller and Bellamy’s boss, an older man called James, they made their case and it passed through.

Clarke’s heart still broke a little when Aurora pushed him down the bed that day, leaned over and kissed his forehead before saying goodbye. 

Clarke saw she was a strong woman who didn’t show her feelings much but still, her eyes were glassy when she was fervently instructing Bellamy.

“You fight this on and you listen to the doctor so you get better, okay?”

“Mom-”

“I mean it, Bellamy. If she tells me you’ve been a pain even a bit, I swear to god-”

“Mom, it’ll be fine.” he had said, reaching out for her hand while Clarke pretended to be busy sorting out the bandages and medicine while they were saying their goodbyes. “But in case it’s still not…you know what to do, right?”

“Bellamy, don’t even go there” she had cut him off but he kept on, persisting. 

Clarke had sneaked a glance then, she had seen his pale face, the way he was gritting his teeth trying to overcome the pain. 

“Nothing is happening to you.”

“If it does-” he insists again “I need you to raise Gus to be a good man, push him to study, to read, to draw and do whatever he really wants to. I want better for him than what Gina and I got. I don’t want him to work himself to the ground until he’s all hunched and every bone in his body hurts. He has to have better, okay?”

“Okay.” Aurora had sighed, giving up and realizing she won’t prevent him from saying what he needed to say.

“All the ration points I’ve saved for him…they’re in a card hidden in The Iliad above the bed as well as a letter for him.” Bellamy adds voice breaking a little, it was getting to be too hard even for her to listen,feeling like she’s intruding on something personal.

Aurora had nodded then, leaned over, swiped a few curls from his forehead and kissed it once more.

“My good boy.” she said then cupping his cheek “I love you.”

“Love you too, mom.” he had whispered back and finally let himself fall back to the pillows. 

Aurora lingered for a moment too long and then said a quick goodbye to Clarke before she left. 

Clarke felt angry then, angry that a mother had to work instead of be there by her son’s side, help him through this. 

Angry that they had to do this, so they could survive, so that Gus could live a good life.

She had given him a moment then before approaching him to give him a general check up before they got him prepped for the surgery.

“Sorry about all that.” he had mumbled a little flushed, embarrassed and she had shook her head.

“Don’t be. I’m sorry that she had to go.”

“So am I. But maybe it’s for the better. She already has enough pain in her life, enough struggle, I don’t want to add to it but I guess…I did.” he gestures at his bad arm that’s still up in a sling that Clarke carefully peels off of him and undoes the bandage she had made around his shoulder, to help ease some of the swelling.

“Bellamy, you’re her son-” Clarke reaches to squeeze his hand briefly then and his eyes widen with hope and surprise at the same time. “Is Gus ever a burden to you?” he shakes his head at that “Then I’m sure you’re not one for her either. Also, she’s right-nothing bad is happening to you. I’ll make sure of that.”

He simply smiles and lets his head fall to the left, burying his cheek in the pillow and closing his eyes. 

It has surprised Clarke how strangely calm he’d been, stoic, even though he was clearly afraid. Just before they put him out she squeezed his hand and smiled as he breathed in the gas and fell asleep. 

She wanted him to have something nice to see right before he fell asleep.

She also made sure to be there when he woke up. 

The surgery, thankfully, had been a success. 

They managed to fix the tear even though it was quite tricky and the damage was more severe than the scans initially showed, which meant he’ll need more time to recover but overall it went smoothly. 

Well, minus the fact that his blood pressure was a little too low during the surgery and remained so after, which is why she insisted on keeping him overnight instead of discharging him just hours later. 

He had been sluggish and very boy-ish like when his mom and Gus came to see him in the evening. 

Gus, the poor fella, was so scared, he ran and climbed on the cot right away, throwing himself in his dad’s embrace and refusing to leave.

It had broken Clarke’s heart when an hour later Aurora had to peel him off of Bellamy and promise that tomorrow his dad will be home.

Now here she finally was, 171 GD compartment at the end of the hallway. 

Clarke sighed relieved, swiped away the sweat from her forehead and knocked on the door. The voices coming from inside came to a halt, a bang was heard and then childish steps running to it until Gus opened up and welcomed her with a smile.

“Doctow Gwiffin, you’re here!” he exclaimed and she was surprised when he threw himself in her legs and wrapped his tiny arms around her.

“Hey, little fella.” she ran her fingers through his hair gently and he looked up with his big brown eyes “How are you doing?”

“Gweat!” 

“Doctor Griffin.” Aurora comes behind her grandson and opens the door wider, welcoming her in “Thanks for coming. Gus, step away so she can come in.”

“Sowwy, grandma.” Gus says in his sweet childish voice and makes room for Clarke. 

When she finally makes it inside she finds a small one-room living space. 

There was a bunk bed in the right corner and a smaller one pressed to the upper bed board of it, which she assumed must’ve been Gus’ sleeping next to his father’s head. 

Then there was a kitchen sink in the other corner and a smaller door which probably led to a bathroom. 

Some cupboards above it and two strings hung from the ceiling where she could see Gus’ baby clothes hanging from as well as one of Bellamy’s work jumpsuits and a plaid shirt. 

In the middle there was a table with three metal chairs, one of which was currently occupied by Bellamy who was slumped on it, cradling his arm to his chest, seeming pale but also somewhat annoyed when she entered. 

Next to her to the right of the door there was a smaller cupboard for shoes and a hanger where they put their coats.

And that was it.

This is how they lived. 

Her mind went back to their four room compartment in Alpha with more furniture that Gus had probably ever seen in his life and her heart clenched. 

The feeling of guilt crawled up her spine and made her shiver. That or it was just the general lack of heat in that part of the Ark. She swore that she could see her breath as she passed down the hallways and she regretted not taking her jacket.

“Sorry, I was in the middle of doing laundry.” Aurora apologized as she rubbed her bony hands clean with a clean towel and pushed her further in.

“That’s okay.”

“Mom, I told you that you shouldn’t have called her.” Bellamy protests for the first time since she came in and she shakes her head in his direction as she approaches the table. 

Gus follows swiftly by, jumping on a smaller chair right next to his dad, eyeing them curiously.

“Knowing the way you are, I’m pretty sure she had every right to do so.” Clarke cuts him off putting her bag on the table and giving him a harsh look. “What’s wrong?”

“He’s been a little feverish this morning. At first I didn’t think it was something since you said it can happen because of his ribs-”

“Right, broken ribs cause fever.” Clarke agrees with a soft smile.

“Yeah but when I came back from work just now I found him burning.”

“I’m fine.” Bellamy groaned again and tried to move up a little but the pain seemed to be too blinding because he slumped right back on the chair. Clarke quickly pushed him down and pressed her hand to his forehead. 

“I’m not a child.”

“Your mom’s right. You’re burning. Come on, let’s take your shirt off, I need to check on the stitches.” he grunts again but let’s her and his mom help out with that.

“Dada,you should listen to what doctor Griffin says.” Gus perked up on his chair and she noticed all the drawings on the table, some notebooks too and she assumed he must’ve been doing homework before she came in “She knows best.”

“I love it when your son makes more sense than you.” Clarke jokes as they finally pull off his shirt and she reaches for his arm to steady him, make him sit upright so she can check the front and the back where they cut him. 

Everything seemed clean on the bandage above his heart but when she looked around she found the one on the back soaked in blood. 

“Jesus, Bellamy-” she cursed quietly and Aurora threw her a worried look. “How did you tear your stitches?”

He grits his teeth but remains stoically quiet while she puts on gloves and carefully peels the bandage off only to of course, find the cut on the back open, oozing not just red but some yellow too.

“Scratch that. How did you tear them and get it infected?” she knew technically that this was a possibility.

No matter how careful they were and how good of doctors they were, there was always a chance of infection. 

It depended on many things, but most of all on the patient resting and not moving too much so the place can heal.

Bellamy, obviously, hadn’t done that.

“I’m waiting?” she pushed back to face him before reaching for her bag and taking out her stuff. 

“I don’t know.” he grunted clearly in pain. 

Sweat has gathered on his forehead and he was trying hard to control his breathing but it was obvious he hasn’t taken any painkillers recently.

“Is it bad?” Gus asks, jumping off and approaching them, clearly not scared of seeing the wound which makes Clarke smile. 

If that kid doesn’t become a medic, she’ll be damned. 

“Gus, go to the bathroom and wash your hands, you need to eat your dinner. Come on.” Aurora tries to push him away clearly not wanting the child to see his dad’s wound but Gus was curious and unafraid and he for once disobeyed his grandma and instead climbed back up on the chair and then hopped onto the table right next to Clarke’s bag, trying to get a peak of what she was about to do.

“Is it becawse he carried the buckets the other night?”

“What buckets?” Clarke asks perplexed and Aurora shoots Bellamy an angry look, clearly more aware of the situation than Clarke was.

“You did not!”

“He needed help bathing. I had to.” Bellamy huffed as if annoyed that he’s even being accused of taking care of his son.

“What do you mean Gus?” Clarke asks again not sure if she’ll get an answer from the adults who were too busy glaring angry at each other until Aurora speaks up.

“We have hot water only twice a day here and it’s always when we’re not home, so to give Gus a bath we warm water at the hot plate and carry it to the bathroom.” she doesn’t seem at all disturbed by that fact but Clarke’s shaken at the revelation and Bellamy seems embarrassed more than anything. 

“Which I told him I’d do myself but he clearly didn’t listen.”

“Mom-” Bellamy groans.

“Don’t mom me! Did you carry him to bed after?” Bellamy remains quiet and closes his eyes so Aurora turns to Gus who shrinks in his place too, not sure what to do or say, feeling bad for ratting out his dad even if involuntary. 

“Bellamy Blake you answer me this minute!” Clarke would give it to her-the woman made even her want to admit to tearing open the stitches she didn’t even have when she heard that voice. 

“I did.”

“Stupid boy!” she scolds crossing her arms over her chest and shaking her head “You know you need to rest, heal, gather your strength, not push yourself unnecessary.”

“It wasn’t unnecessary. My son needed me.”

“No, he didn’t. He would’ve been fine waiting another hour for me to get here. You just had to be stubborn and let your pride come before the safety of you and Gus.”

“Mom,come on-” Bellamy winced when Clarke started cleaning the wound and reached out to grip the table with his good hand, find something to ground himself with. “Not now.”

He looks at Gus who’s looking between them, bottom lip up, trembling a little, eyes filled with worry. Aurora’s eyes immediately fall on him too and her attention goes to him.

“I’m sowwy, grandma.”

“It’s not your fault, sweet boy.” she assures cupping his cheeks and leaning down to kiss his forehead. “You did nothing wrong, okay?” Gus nods agreeing and lets her pull him to her chest but his eyes remain on his dad and Clarke who’s about to start stitching him back up. 

“Now you go wash your hands and come eat. There’s beans tonight and I’ll put in some of the red sauce for you, okay?”

“Really?”

“Absolutely. No go!” Aurora kisses him and helps him off the table before he pats away to the small door that Clarke was right to assume was the bathroom. Aurora waits for the door to close behind him before she turns to Clarke.

“Will he be alright?”

“Yes.” Clarke promises as she focuses back on her work “Recovery will be slower now, though, since he reopened it. It’ll need more time to heal.”

“At least it will teach him a lesson.”

“I’m right here, mom, I can hear you.”

“Good. Maybe some of it will go through that thick head of yours.” Clarke bites her lip not to chuckle but Bellamy only lets another frustrated groan before she presses the needle in and starts on her stitching. 

She had put a local anesthetic but he was clearly still in a lot of pain which made her go back to what she was wondering about earlier. 

“Are you taking the pain killers I prescribed?”

“We couldn’t get them.” Aurora answers for him as he’s too busy trying to control his pain.

“What? Why not?”

“Because this isn’t Alpha, princess.” Bellamy grunts a little frustrated and when Aurora throws him an angry look he softens a bit and adds “They want us to pay for it all with points. We don’t have any.”

“But the prescription should give you free medicine and extra rations since you can’t work.”

“Yes, but they won’t. They already let the surgery and medbay stay pass, they won’t let me have free food and pills too.”

“But-”

“Let it go, princess. We’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t understand” she stops her work for a moment, clearly frustrated with the outcome of events too. “This shouldn’t be something they can argue with.” Bellamy lets out a harsh laugh and shakes his head.

“Then you clearly don’t know how things work out here.”

“They say he’s already used three prescriptions for rations and medicine this month.” Aurora offers as an explanation “He can’t take any more.”

“But those were for Gus!” Clarke exclaims clearly frustrated “That’s not fair.”

“Welcome to my world.” Bellamy grunts when she makes the last stitch and carefully cuts off the thread.

“I’ll talk to the pharmacist, we’ll figure something out.”

“Don’t.” he cuts her off a little bit too harsh “Please.” he looks up at her as she puts on a fresh bandage over the incision and he finally leans on the chair cradling his arm to his chest and wrapping his good hand around his bruised ribs. 

She understands that look-it meant that he already had enough to deal with and just couldn’t add more to it. Clarke got it but that didn’t mean she wasn’t angry on his behalf. 

Gus chooses this moment to come back rushing in hands in the air, still splashing some water drops from his clean up.

“Hewe, gwandma, I’m all done.”

“Let me see.” Aurora asks and Gus stretches out his clean hands to her. 

She inspects his work and nods at him in agreement, helping him up the chair and heading to the small kitchen counter where she takes a small bowl filled with something that looked like cooked red beans and maybe some corn but that looked to Clarke like it was definitely not enough for a boy of Gus’ age. 

Still, he didn’t complain when she put it in front of him. 

He was the sweetest when he tucked on a plaid white and red kerchief to his shirt and grabbed his small spoon in his tiny fist, only to start eating on his own with pride and joy that he had someone new to show his abilities to.

“Careful, Gus, pull the chair closer to the table so you don’t stain your pants.” Bellamy instructs him and Gus immediately follows his dad’s advice. 

“Did you draw all that, Gus?” Clarke asks when she reaches for some of the drawings on the table and takes a look.

“Yeaw!”

“He loves drawing.” Bellamy explains and see notices his eyes are still so full of pain and he struggles to breathe especially when he speaks.

“Oh yeah? So do I.”

“Reawy? Can you draw me something?” Gus drops his spoon for a moment and gives her a curious look. 

“Of course.”

“Gus, doctor Griffin is probably tired after work. She wants to get this over with and go home,okay?” Aurora tries but Clarke shakes her head.

“No, that’s okay, I don’t mind at all.” she had no way of telling her that she dreaded going back to her Alpha station compartment that was three size their living quarters only to eat and pass out, maybe watch an old game with Wells before heading off to bed and waking up again for yet another shift. 

“First you finish your dinner, Gus.” Bellamy reminds and Gus picks up his spoon again, curious to see what Clarke can do. 

He’s almost done, quickly destroying the small bowl and when he does, he drops his hands on both sides and looks at Bellamy.

“Dada, I want more.” Bellamy’s face twists in pain of a different kind and he looks up at his mom.

“Gus, you already ate your rations.” Aurora says carefully and Clarke wishes she wasn’t here for that part of the conversation because it grew from cheerful to serious in the span of seconds.

“Mom, give him mine too.”

“Bellamy,no-”

“I’m not hungry and I can bet he didn’t eat his lunch at school.” he looks at Gus curiously “Right Gus?”

His son bows his head down and mumbles a quiet no which makes Aurora sigh.

“Gus, we’ve talked about this, sweetie, you have to eat your meals at school just like at home.”

“I know, but…it wasn’t tasty.”

“Was it algae soup again?” Gus nods at that and Bellamy’s hand leaves his ribs to reach out and touch his son’s shoulder.

“It’s okay, Gus but grandma’s right. I know the algae isn’t as tasty as the beans or the corn but you need to eat it too, alright?” Gus nods a little tentatively “Promise dad you’ll try next time, okay?”

“Awkay, dada. I’ll twy” Gus mumbles sweetly and Bellamy cups his cheek in a soft manner.

“Good man. Now grandma will you give you more.” Aurora furrows her eyebrows at that but quickly comes up wit a compromise. 

“How about I give you more beans and make you some tea and milk, how does that sound?” Gus agrees eagerly to it and Aurora goes back to the counter, takes up the other bowl that must’ve been Bellamy’s but was just as big in content and spills half of it over in Gus’ one who starts eagerly destroying it while blabbing to his day to Clarke and his dad who asked him about day care. 

Clarke, though already done with his bandage, keeps an eye on Bellamy who seems to be trying very hard to keep sitting like that and controlling his pain. 

The only reason she doesn’t push him to get to bed right away is because he’s smiling and carefully listening to every word that comes out of Gus’ mouth and that seems to make things a little better. 

Soon enough Aurora comes back with three hot steaming glasses full of something that smelled so good yet unfamiliar to Clarke. Gus’ cup is filled with milk unlike theirs but when she takes a sip she feels a new wave of energy coarse through her. 

“You got some powdered milk?” she asks confused nodding at Gus’ cup which he’s drinking with the same eagerness as eating his beans. 

The kid must’ve been really hungry which made her heart clench-Alpha station children got three full courses for dinner and this boy had a bowl and a half of some red beans and corn and nothing else.

“Formula.” Bellamy chimes in “I give it to him for breakfast.”

“Factory station women usually breastfeed the kids till they’re three or four.” Aurora explains upon Clarke’s perplexed look. “I nursed Bellamy till he was about Gus’ age.” 

“I never knew that.” 

“It’s common practice around here. Most people can’t afford paying for three full meals and plus it makes the kids stronger, builds their immunity.” Aurora explains further before looking back to Gus who had pulled up one of the papers he had already drew on and picked one of the three pencils on the table, drawing something with great amounts of concentration. 

“Obviously Gus couldn’t ….have that the traditional way.”

“His mom was still nursing him when she died and after-” Bellamy clears his throat when his voice shakes a little “I had to start buying formula. It was an adjustment but he ended up liking it and I can still use it as a solid meal in the morning.”

“Or with tea, like now.” Aurora reaches to tuck a curl behind Gus’ ear that prevented him from seeing his drawing clearly. “It’s not too expensive, so…”

“It’s good he likes it. Plus most formulas have some vitamins in them too, so that’s smart.” Clarke tries not to sound judgy or condescending but she can’t help but feel like she ended up in a whole different world she knows nothing about. 

Bellamy nods and leans back on the chair but the pain must be too overwhelming now because his lips escape a groan and Clarke furrows her eyebrows.

“We should get you to bed.”

“I feel better sitting.” he mumbles through teeth and Aurora notices the way he’s clenching his hand around his ribs and stands up, heading to the drawers near the sink and pulling out a small white cream box with a yellow lid. 

“What’s that?” Clarke asks curiously when she sees Bellamy’s mom approach him.

“That’s the miwacaw rub!” Gus exclaims clearly paying attention to his grandma’s actions and stopping his work mid-action.

“Miracle rub?”

“It fixes everything!” Gus explains “See, I cut my fingew the other nait and now it’s almost healed.” he shows her his thumb where Clarke can see a small cut that’s definitely almost gone now but must’ve clearly been a pain for the kid when it happened. 

Aurora smiles at her grandson’s explanation then puts out the lid and shows Clarke an orange concoction inside.

“That’s Factory’s invention.” she explains and Clarke catches the strange scent of the medicine-it was strange but not in a bad way.

It reminded her of pepper and…maybe something mint-like which didn’t make sense since it didn’t have a green color. 

“It helps with common pains-cuts, bruises, even a bad cough if you apply it on someone’s chest, sore muscles, twisted ankles.”

“It’s basically for everything.” Bellamy adds and moves his hand away from his ribs. “It burns a lot when you apply it for about fifteen minutes after which it gets really cool and soothing.”

“So it helps with your ribs?” he nods “That’s amazing, I’ve never seen anything like that before. I didn’t…I didn’t even know it existed.”

“It’s kind of our pride and joy. There is only one family in the station that produces it and they pass on the secret recipe from generation to generation. Then they sell it for things like rations, food, clothes, even a small favor you can do for them.”

“But it’s never too much.” Bellamy adds “Every family in Factory has one of these.” she understood what he meant-it wasn’t like the medicine she was prescribing that he couldn’t get. 

It was their only way of dealing with injuries which they got often because of the work in the station and the only thing they could all afford no matter what. 

It helped them survive. 

“Can I?” she asks Aurora when she’s about to put some of it on Bellamy’s ribs. The older woman nods with a soft smile and hands her the cream box. 

“Don’t put too much-” Aurora instructs when she dips her fingers into it and swipes a big portion of the concoction “It’ll burn him too bad. The secret in the Miracle rub is that you don’t need to use much of it to be effective.” 

Clarke feels her ears and cheeks burn when she rubs some of it on Bellamy’s ribs, suddenly finding herself too close to him, feeling his breath on her neck. 

She doesn’t know why this made her heart skip beats now-up until a few minutes ago she was stitching him up without a single thought of being too intimate or close to him passing her mind but now somehow…it felt different.

His muscles clenched under her fingers, his breath hitched-he was in pain but his eyes were intently locked on her and when she looked up she founds them staring at her with something more than a friendly look-there was curiosity there. And maybe even want.

She swallowed hard and pulled away from him, shaking her head as if from a trance. 

When she hands the box back to Aurora, she doesn’t miss her knowing smirk.

Clearly Clarke hadn’t been the only one who noticed something.

“Now let’s draw!” Gus chimes in clearly bored with their adult conversations, demanding attention for himself.

“Gus, doctor Clarke should probably go.” Bellamy tries to excuse her once again but Gus gives her his big puppy eyes and he melts right under even before he tries to argue again. 

“No that’s alright. Here little man, let me see what you have already.” she pulls Gus up from the chair only to sit in it herself and pull the boy to her lap. 

He enjoys that a little too much because he leans his tiny back to her chest and pulls up all his papers. 

“I got a doooog and a tigew and a elephant”

“AN elephant!” Bellamy corrects him and Gus nods.

“And what’s that here?” Clarke points at another drawing of what seemed to be a stick figure carrying a big box of something on his shoulders.

“That’s dada at work, lifting heavy stuff and patching the Ark!”

“You got my curls just right, son.” Bellamy says softly looking at the messy hair Gus drew on the little sticky man.

“And that?” Clarke asks at the woman in the other corner of the paper. He clearly didn’t have too many white sheets to work on because he drew over and over  filling almost every free space there was.

“That’s gwandma Rory sewing at the factory.” he explains patiently making Aurora who had gone back to the sink washing their dishes turn around and smile.

“And this here?” she points at another sticky woman figure with a small circle above her head and something that looked like wings coming from her back.

“That’s mama.” Gus says softly, carefully as if he’s afraid to spill it out and Clarke can swear Bellamy raises up a little in his seat and tries to stay strong. “She’s in the sky now.”

“Oh yeah?” Clarke tries to keep her voice from breaking too “She looks beautiful, Gus.”

“Yeaw” the kid adds and picks up his pencil adding a few starts near the figure “Dada says she’s with the stars and that they keep it bright even when the sky is too dark so mama is never afraid or alone. They make it less scawy.” he keeps on repeating words he probably knows by heart. 

It makes Clarke wonder how many times Bellamy’s had to explain this. 

“And sometimes we go to the starboard window bay and look all around us and we know she’s there.”

“That sounds very nice.”

“Yeaw. Sometimes I ask dada how can we find mama. The sky is so big and there are so many stars-” Gus doesn’t stop his work, his tongue is out and he’s drawing more and more starts around the tiny angel, clearly enjoying it. 

“And he says that’s true but even though we can’t see her she’s also always hewe-” and he points at his chest over his heart.

Clarke has to bite her lip not to let her tears roll down. This boy was brave and strong at such a young age and she knew nothing of his life but she recognized pain, deep, raw, horrible pain that shook you to your core and no child should ever have that in their life. Least of all Gus. 

“Your dad’s absolutely right.” she looks up at Bellamy who’s eyes are teary. 

He’s gripping the edge of the table with his hand and clenching his jaw. 

Aurora was awfully quiet in her corner, the water still on but the clatter of the bows could only be provoked from something like shaking hands so she knew this was just as hard for her too. 

“Now what do you want me to draw you?” Clarke swiftly changes the subject, running her hand through Gus’ curls and picking up a pencil from his small stack.

“A HORSE!” he exclaims clapping his tiny hands enthusiastically. “Woooow, it’s so pwetty, Clarke.”

“Doctor Clarke.” Bellamy corrects him but she shakes her head and pulls Gus closer to her chest for a small soft hug.

“You can call me Clarke.” she tells him when he looks up at her with big bright eyes “You are my friend.”

“You awe my friend too.” he says back, lips stretching in a smile before his eyes fall back to his dad “And we call our friends by name, right dada?”

“Right.” Bellamy smiles softly while his mom helps him put his shirt back on and grabs the sling from the table wanting to adjust it back on but he just shakes his head and tells her he’s better that way even under Clarke’s scrutinizing look. 

“So you call me Gus and I call you Clarke then?” she nods and strokes his head before leaning closer again and pushing in another piece of paper.

“What else should I draw now?”

“A Cerberus!”

“What’s that?”

“It’s the three-headed dog that guards the underworld.” Gus explains perplexed that she doesn’t know what he means “It’s my favorite monster.”

“Oh yeah?” she starts trying to draw something that resembles a big dog head “You’re not afraid of it?”

“Nope.” Gus says like it’s the easiest thing in the world “Cweatures are not really monsters. They’ve just ben hurt and mistunderstowd.” he starts slurring the words more and more which is how Bellamy knows he won’t last much longer “The only really scawy monsters are other people. That’s what dada says.”

Clarke eyes Bellamy curiously and he pretends to be intently watching his feet while also blushing a little.

“Well, he’s not wrong. Let me see what I can do here for your Cerberus.” she keeps drawing and Gus guides her, describing teeth and big eyes and perky ears but she feels him fall into her more and more with every passing second and soon his eyes start drooping.

“Come on big boy, it’s time for you to get to bed.” Bellamy says and tries to stand up. He manages or at least it seems so at first and then he sways so violently that if Clarke hadn’t grabbed him by the wrist, he would’ve fallen right over.

“Bellamy!” Aurora chimes in rushing from the sink to them, quick on her feet grabbing his arm and trying to steady him but when he attempts to shake it off and push in for another step he sways again and almost falls.

Clarke swiftly stands up and moves Gus from her lap to the chair, reaching for Bellamy herself and expertly sliding under his good arm, helping him bear some of the weight. 

When she looks up at his face she finds it too pale even though she could feel the heat radiating off of him, his breathing is too ragged, his heartbeat too erratic under her fingers when she reaches for his neck to check his pulse.

“God, Bellamy-” Aurora says worry evident in her voice when she cups his cheek and picks up his face to look at him “Come on, you should be the one going to bed.”

“I’m fine,mom,I just stood up too fast.”

“Dada!” Gus had hopped off his chair, suddenly very much awake following them as they carefully help Bellamy get to the bunk in the corner “Dada, are you okay?”

“I’m fine, big boy. Go with grandma. She’ll help brush your teeth and then….then put on your PJs, okay?” he instructs, trying to pull himself together just as Clarke helps him sit down. 

“But dada-”

“It’s okay, Gus, let’s give dad a minute.” Aurora quickly reads Bellamy’s intentions. They didn’t want to scary the kid any more than he already was. “Come with me.” she takes his tiny hand, grabs the PJs from his bed and ushers him to the bathroom while Clarke helps Bellamy pull the blankets away and lay down. 

He’s struggling with the pain-it’s too much and too harsh still, the fever and the reopened stitches weren’t helping things either. Neither were the broken ribs that prevented him from taking a proper breath.

She grabs her bag from the table and reaches for her stethoscope, listening to his heart and lungs, then taking in his pulse, flashing a light in his eyes before checking the bandages one last time and helping him adjust more comfortably on the bed.

“Did you eat anything at all today?” he huffs at that as if he’s annoyed she’s even asking him this but her hand ends up on his wrist and squeezes it tightly, demanding an answer. “Bellamy.” she adds, voice getting a somewhat sterner.

“I don’t feel like eating.”

“I don’t care how you feel like. You need this. You can’t recover from a surgery without gaining your strength back and resting and you’re doing neither of those things.” she scolds him quietly so that Gus and Aurora won’t overhear them.

He doesn’t say anything to that, just closes his eyes and grits his teeth so she angrily stands up and marches to the table where Aurora left half of his bowl of beans.

“Where are the spoons?” she asks and he cracks an eye open and bites his lip as if angry and annoyed but knows well enough that he won’t be changing her mind so he just utters a quiet.

“Cupboard to the left under the sink.”

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” he spits out and she almost chuckles at the tone of his voice.

“Don’t be so grumpy now, big guy.” she comes back to him, help him sit up a little straighter in the uncomfortable bed, which when she sat down to, found to be really hard. It was probably just some board and a thin mattress with its springs jutting out.

There was no way he was comfortable lying there. No wonder he said he preferred sitting up in a chair.

She fills up a spoon and brings it to his lips but he’s pretending to be an annoyed stubborn six month old who won’t have his mashed potatoes.

“I can eat on my own.” he mumbles.

“With that hand?” she gestures at his cradled arm “I don’t think so. Come on now.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Don’t make me do the plane thing with you-” she says sternly but she’s actually laughing on the inside. He purses his lips in an even funnier way and she sighs, pretending to be annoyed but instead she picks up the spoon and goes/ 

“Here comes a little plane-”

“Okay, okay, fine!” he gives up feeling totally embarrassed and realizing his own childishness at last, opening his mouth and letting her feed him. 

There’s only so little left of the beans and the corn and she knows it won’t do anything to feed a grown hurt man who needs to get his strength back but at least it was something, she told herself.

Or was it really?

She barely fed him ten spoons before the bowl was empty and by the time she was done he was still acting like a grumpy baby but now he was a grumpy baby in even more pain.

What she hates the most is that there’s nothing she can do for him. 

It was a goddamn cycle. He didn’t have painkillers, so he hurt more than he should. Because of that, his recovery was slower. Because of that, he didn’t feel like eating and even if he did, he still gave half of his rations to his little boy who was hungry and in need of as much nutrition as possible because he was growing up. 

And here she was.

Fixing his pillows, helping him lay down while he writhed with pain underneath her flailing hands that couldn’t do shit.

They had no aim, for once…no purpose at all.

It was so unlike her, it made her angry at her core. The sole reason she decided to follow her mother’s footsteps and become a medic was to help people.

She never once thought she’d have to struggle so much with the system and the Ark’s rules. 

She never believed she’d get to threat more Alpha or Mekka or Farm station residents than Factory simply because the latter couldn’t even afford going to medbay in the first place and had to reside to patching themselves up, using strange concoctions they made themselves and praying they don’t die or end up mutilated unable to feed their families.

It was wrong.

It was damn wrong.

Just as she’s about to ask him if he needs her to put an extra pillow under his right side to help his shoulder be more comfortable, Gus comes rushing out of the bathroom, dressed in his PJs. 

He’s got his hair carefully combed probably by his grandma, his teeth, as he shows her are flashing white and his hands and face are clean after the mess he left with the beans at dinner.

His PJs are not matching. 

The pants are red and very washed out, resembling sweat pants more than anything and his shirt was a dark blue long sleeved one that had patches on the elbows probably Aurora’s work, with tiny planets stamped all over. 

He smiled when he saw her still there, apparently thinking she must’ve left already, shows her his teeth, his hands and then pointing at “Satuwn” on his PJs. 

Clarke praises him and cups his cheek gently. He leans into her right away, then climbs up in her lap and looks up at her with the warmest and sleepiest of looks until his head turns to his dad who’s lips escape a groan when he tries to find a more comfortable position.

“Dada?” Gus’ voice goes from sweet to worried in the span of seconds. “Dada, you okay?”

“I’m okay.” Bellamy lies with a fake smile that doesn’t fool the kid. He climbs off from Clarke’s lap and craws to his good side, perching up on his knees and looking down at him with worry. 

“It’s fine. Dad just needs to sleep and it’ll be all fine.”

“You lie.” Clarke winces at that “You said so last night but you woke up worse.”

“It’ll be better now. Doctor Griffin fixed me.” Bellamy tries to keep his voice steady but even he’s losing his facade and Gus sees it. “Right?” he seeks her support and gives her a pleading look.

“Absolutely.” she lies with ease and rubs Gus’ back. The kid’s smart, though. Using just words won’t work on him and she knows that 

“But if you want you can help me make it even better.” she nods at the small bowl of water and the clean cloth next to it. 

Gus was a helper, a fixer, just like his dad. He couldn’t sit idle-handed while his dad struggled, so of course, he reaches for the cloth and with Clarke’s help, dips it in the water, then together they squeeze it and Gus carefully places it on his dad’s forehead.

“Better, dada?”

“Much better.” Bellamy promises “Now say goodbye to doctor Griffin and then get to bed.”

“Can I sweep here with you, dada?”

“Gus.” Aurora says softly for the first time since they came out the bathroom. Clarke noticed she’d been busy hanging the rest of the wet clothes she had washed before on the small strings attached to the ceiling. “You’re a big boy now and big boys sleep in their own beds.”

“But gwandma-”

“Is right, Gus.” Bellamy tries softly, though Clarke can see how exhausted he is under the blanket, the pain and fever raging through him mercilessly. 

“No, I wanna stay with you.” Gus whines and before anyone can say something he throws the blanket off and snuggles to his dad’s good side, pressing his tiny back to his and cradling his good arm under his tiny head. 

His previously carefully combed curls spill all over Bellamy’s elbow. 

Bellamy sighs and exchanges a helpless look with his mother.

“You need to get better, dada and you always say I make all the pain go away.” Gus adds, looking up at his dad with big puppy pleading eyes which of course no one can argue against.

Bellamy sighs, leans down and kisses his forehead.

“Fine, but this is the last time.” Clarke knew having him there wasn’t making it any easier on Bellamy. 

The bed was small and uncomfortable enough as it was but when Gus lay down next to his dad, Bellamy had to push himself to the wall so he’d make enough room. 

Clarke assumed the only good thing out of this was that the coldness of the metal wall made his burning body feel a little better but it could also be dangerous and get him sick, so she tucked the blanket wrapping his ribs and leg tightly.

“You should go, it’s close to curfew” Bellamy whispers eyes growing heavy. 

Gus was already almost completely asleep, tiny hands wrapped around his dad’s arm, head resting on his shoulder, knees pulled up to his tiny chest. He was a little bundle next to his big dad’s figure. 

If Clarke had to describe the word safety to someone who’s never heard of it before, she’d simply point at them.

A father holding his son as he slept, the little boy mumbling something under his nose as he snuggled closer and closer, probably because he was feeling a little cold, Bellamy smiling and letting Gus adjust his limbs in whatever way he wanted, his love spilling off of him in waves that reached even Clarke who was simply sitting next to them.

“There are no curfews on Alpha. Not for me anyway.” she hated saying that, sounding so entitled. 

What she meant was simply that doctors and guards had the right to stay out later than everyone else because of the essence of their work.

“Yes but there are curfews in Factory, especially if you have to go back to a different station.” Aurora explains “Moving to other parts of the ship are not allowed after ten. Bellamy’s right, you should go.”

“How did you get here on your own?” Bellamy asks suddenly remembering the fact that she found their place on her own.

“Well uh…I..asked.”

“And someone actually answered you?” Aurora seems even more confused than Bellamy. “I guess Bellamy’s right then.”

“Right about what?”

“That you’re different from the other people in Alpha.”

“Mom!” 

“What?” Bellamy was blushing and he was blushing so hard that Clarke worried it may actually result in his fever getting worse.

She wasn’t better though, she could feel the tips of her ears burning. 

“Nothing.” he sighs, waving his hand at her but not meeting Clarke’s look, pretending to clearly be more focused on his sleeping son who had started drooling on his hand in the most adorable way. “You need to send her off now. It’s dangerous out there for her.”

“Dangerous how?” they don’t answer, though, instead they exchange a knowing look, clearly choosing to remain quiet about whatever was bothering them instead of sharing it with her.

Maybe she was different from the other Alpha residents but she still lived there and there was no way to ignore that.

“Come on, he’s right. I’ll come with you.” Aurora grabs her jacket from the hanger “I have to get back home too anyway.” Clarke furrows her eyebrows at that clearly confused. She thought Aurora was staying here especially now that Bellamy’s hurt and judging by her look, she was just as frustrated about it.

She asks Bellamy if he has everything he needs for the night, brings him a glass of water by the night stand and adjusts his and Gus’ blankets one last time before she kisses them both on the heads and heads to the door. 

She turns the lights off and the only source remains to be a small lantern put on the bed drawer near their heads. 

Clarke’s eyes linger on them for a moment too long and once again her heart clenches in that uncomfortable almost painful way when you desperately want to do something but you can’t and it just hurts and leaves you hollow with sadness.

She wasn’t sure she even had the right to be sad right now. It felt wrong.

It felt like pity.

And they didn’t deserve it. 

Clarke couldn’t help it though-when she looked at the way Bellamy lay in his small cot all sprayed uncomfortably and grunting whenever he moved with Gus curled up to his side-his little Gus-all sweet and innocent, covered with a blanket in a cold room, she felt once again so helpless.

Aurora gently grabbed her elbow and pulled her to the hallway and if she hadn’t, Clarke’s pretty sure she would’ve stayed there, just looking at them, making sure they’re fine.

She’s not sure when this happened-when Bellamy and Gus snuck under her skin and settled in her heart, making her want to care, to protect them but also…to love them.

They take off down the maze of hallways and Clarke wraps her jacket tightly around herself, feeling as if the temperature dropped even more than when she was on her way to the Blakes.

Aurora’s quiet for a while, throwing her curious looks until she finally speaks up.

“You care about my son.” she states when they take a turn and reach the big gate separating Factory from Mekka. 

Clarke had to cross that too before she got home to Alpha but she can already tell by just being there that the place was warmer than Factory’s freezing hallways.

She doesn’t deny it, isn’t sure what to say-will Aurora judge her for it? Will she tell her to stay away? Keep her distance? Is she against Bellamy and Gus having her as a friend?

“I do.” she admits even if a little scared of Aurora’s reaction.

But all the older woman does is reach out for her and squeeze her arm in support.

“That’s good. He could use a friend.”

She gives her one short nod before she smiles and leaves back to Factory’s freezing living quarters.

Clarke stands there a little dumbfounded, still unable to get the picture of Bellamy and Gus curled up on the bed, off her mind when she hears the voice of the guard near the doors call her.

“Miss, you should really keep going. Curfew’s just about to set.”

She nods and commands her legs to move, showing the guard her ID and number badge, noticing how he immediately straightens his posture and gets more polite before he lets her pass.

Deep down even if Clarke doesn’t want to admit it to herself, she wishes he had stopped, told her she can’t come through till tomorrow, that she had to stay in Factory just so she could go back to that tiny place and hold Bellamy’s hand through the night, make sure Gus is sleeping sound and his dad’s fine.

But she keeps walking and with every step she takes, she feels like she’s getting further away from them.

And herself.

Chapter 4

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments and the support! I didn't expect anyone to read this! To those of you who are now entering this world, things can be cute but also they can be pretty harsh so prepare!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

“Dada, dada, stop!!!” Gus squirmed in his arms as Bellamy tickled him. 

The kid had climbed up on his chair while Bellamy was trying to eat his own meager rations, impatiently waiting for his dad to be done so they could play. 

Gus had finished his dinner just mere minutes ago and was supposedly going to draw while Bellamy ate his but as usually, he had sneaked behind his back, climbed on the chair and then on his back,placed his tiny hands on his dad’s eyes and said:

 “Eat now dada!” which made Bellamy chuckle before he found him and started tickling him.

It was their game of sorts. 

Gus liked climbing up on his like a monkey on a branch. 

For him his dad was a big strong man, “like a twee” as he liked saying and Gus was swinging off his arms and back or even neck like a tiny koala bear. 

Bellamy knew his son craved affection, especially in the evening after a long day of them not seeing each other, so he tried his best to make up for it, to show him love and affection, to play with him even if he was tired and could barely move, to give him all he could.

Now he was tickling him as Gus ended up on his lap and Bellamy used his good hand to tease his tummy and arm pits. 

It has been two weeks since Clarke came by their place to check on him after he tore his stitches. 

He had seen her four times since then-twice every week when he went to medbay for physical therapy. 

He was supposed to go there four times a week but again, of course because of the Ark rules, he was only allowed two free visits. 

If he wanted more he had to pay for it with rations which he didn’t have. 

Clarke had offered to swing by in the evenings and lend him a hand, help him without pay, off hours, but he had refused. 

Despite her good heart, he couldn’t ask that of her. 

He had noticed the dark circles under her eyes, the way she also sometimes swung on her feet when she stood too fast and he had overheard her talk to her colleague Jackson while waiting in the hallway in medbay, who scolded her for overworking herself and not eating enough.

Apparently she was very bad at taking care of herself even though as a doctor, she knew how dangerous dehydration and skipped meals could be.

Bellamy saw a different side of her in those past weeks and they had grown even closer. 

Of course, there was still that unspoken line they never crossed-it was visible as much as they tried to blur it with kind words and friendly talks but still…Clarke was kind, gentle. 

She strove so hard to help him no matter what and she pushed him to get better as much as she scolded him to take it easy. 

Under her guiding, his arm had gotten better and fast but she was angry that he couldn’t afford more PT hours. She wanted better for him, needed to help him even if his progress was quite good. 

He did indeed feel better, he had gotten rid of his sling and he could raise his arm above his head without feeling as much as a tug on his shoulder. 

Secretly, he tested himself, slowly and patiently started lifting heavy stuff to see how much he could carry on with that arm. 

Gus was his easiest subject for the task. 

He’d swing him from one arm to the other, test his flexibility and he did well but…sometimes at night after he had exerted himself too much during the day he hurt, and the pain, though not as strong as it had been before, kept him awake at night.

He had to turn in bed, try to find a good position to sleep in so it doesn’t bother him too much, but it was there.

Clarke had noticed something was off, so she pushed him to admit if it hurt and when he did, she told him it was normal, that it’d take some time before it felt okay, said it may even stay with him for years since it wasn’t just a one time injury but it would fade to a dull pain that he could manage.

Still, she insisted he took the rest of the month to recover completely and every time he went there she gave him a complete check up, still worried over his blood pressure that variate from being very low to getting too high especially in the morning and the evening which bothered her and made her prescribe him blood pressure medication that he had not yet bought because of the lack of ration points.

The Ark, apparently, had different plans for him than Clarke Griffin.

“Dada, dada!!!” Gus squirmed again in his arms “Stop!!!”

“I can’t stop! I’m the tickle monster and you had woken me up!” he said ignoring the yellow piece of paper that he got delivered earlier this morning and that was now sprayed out on the metal table next to Gus’ empty bowl and his school notebooks. 

“No,no!!! Pwease stop!”

“Mmmm, no can do! I’m a hungry monster. I have not eaten in a thousand years and I need to be fed on children’s laughter!” Bellamy said voice lower and a little hoarse, sounding just like a real monster, making Gus squirm even more in his arms. 

He felt a tug at the back of his shoulder and tightened his grip on the kid so he doesn’t drop him. 

“Nooo, no!!!!” Gus flails his hand as he laughs in that child’s innocent adorable way that filled the air with pure joy “How do I stop you monstew?”

“You kiss me and rub my nose, little child!”

“I’m not wittle!” Gus pretends to be offended but moves up and kisses his dad on the cheek before rubbing his nose against his. 

Bellamy stops his teasing movements and pulls him to his chest.

“Hmmm, I feel better now. Satisfied.” he says “I won’t tease you anymore, little boy.”

“I’m not wittle!” Gus protests again sitting up in Bellamy’s lap and raising his little arms, bending them and showing his dad his supposed “muscles” “See!”

Bellamy pokes them with his finger and pretends to be focusing on the seriousness of the situation.

“You’re right, you’re strong!” Gus smiles and then his eyes fall on Bellamy’s big biceps.

“Not as you, dada.” he tries to squeeze his dad’s big arm in his tiny fingers “You’re stronger.”

“One day you will be too.” Bellamy promises and leans down to kiss his forehead “For that you need to eat your algae, though and not just your beans and potatoes.” Gus makes a disgusted face at his dad and Bellamy almost laughs.

Gus sighs and leans his face on his dad’s chest, reaching to fumble with the buttons of his plaid shirt that had too many holes in it. 

“Also-remember what we talked about-” Bellamy reminds him as he picks up his spoon and eats some of the mashed potatoes and carrots Aurora left for them tonight “Strength is not just in the arms, it’s also-”

“In the heawt!” Gus exclaims and Bellamy nods proudly. He notices Gus is eyeing his spoon and raises an eyebrow. “Gus, are you still hungry?”

“Noooooope” he always prolong the answer when he lied and refused to look him in the eyes “Not hungwy, dada”

“Hm…are you sure?” he had had just a little bowl of the same thing and since he didn’t ask for more and drank his milk and tea, Bellamy assumed he had enough, especially since he got playful and energetic as well.

But now he was starting to doubt it. His son may be little but he was smart-he overheard them talking about rations, he knew they didn’t have much and he wanted to spare his dad worries.

It made Bellamy hate the system even more. 

His son wasn’t even four and he was already worrying about having enough food. 

Gus just nods but Bellamy notices how his eyes fall to the bowl and the way he swallows hard like he’s just itching for more. Potatoes were his favorite, always had been, so Bellamy picked up his spoon and filled it up.

“Tell you what, I’m not hungry anymore, do you want to finish this for me while I fix our bed, huh?”

“But dada, you-”

“Gus, son-” Bellamy pushes him to his chest and tilts his head up so he’s looking him in the eyes “We’ve talked about lying right? How it’s not a good thing.”

“No, dada, not good.” Gus agrees with a serious nod, brows furrowed in concentration, trying to grasp his dad’s point.

“Exactly. So are you lying to me now? Are you hungry?” Gus bows his head down and fiddles with his hands.

“A little.” he finally lets out as if ashamed that he’s being honest. 

Bellamy grits his teeth, closes his eyes briefly and tries to gather all his strength and tame his anger-this wasn’t right, God this wasn’t right. 

His son should eat healthy, his son should not go to bed with stomach half empty.

“I’m full.” he says after a moment “Come on-finish this and I’ll give you a few biscuits too, how does that sound?” 

“Are you sure, dada?” he asks as Bellamy lifts him up from his lap and sits him on his chair, pushing him closer to the table and handing him his own tiny spoon.

“Absolutely, come on now.” Gus doesn’t seem too convinced and that breaks Bellamy’s heart even more but he picks his spoon and starts eagerly destroying the rest of Bellamy’s ration. 

He blabs while he eats, tells Bellamy some about his day while his dad uses the time to fix his bed. 

He’d normally let Gus sleep in his own little cot but the past weeks had been extremely cold. 

Temperatures usually dropped this time around and Factory always had the worst heating which meant almost non-existent at all. 

They turned it on in the living quarters for about two hours in the morning and supposedly four in the evening but after that they lowered it to a point where you had to press your hand to the radiator to feel anything at all and even then, it was barely there.

Bellamy still remembers how when Gus was a baby after Gina died, he wrapped him in a bunch of blankets and pushed his tiny body there between the radiator and his own chest-that’s how the kid slept, that was his cradle.

Now it happened sometimes too, he was forced to take off the mattresses and put them on the ground, push Gus’ one to the only radiator they had and sleep on the floor on the other side himself just to make sure the kid doesn’t freeze to death.

It hadn’t been as extreme so far but Bellamy knew at some point they’ll have to reside to this too. 

He always worried a lot when this happened because last year it was one of the reasons Gus got so sick in the first place and so now Bellamy woke up every hour or so like clockwork, checking on Gus’ body temperature-feeling his tiny feet and arms, sneaking his hand under his PJs on the back, to make sure he’s warm enough.

“Dada, what does this say?” Gus asked pointing at the yellow piece of paper on the table while munching on the biscuits Bellamy had given him just now before taking their bowls to the sink and rinsing them with cold water.

“It says dad has to go back to work on Monday.” he says patiently and wipes his hand clean before coming back to the table and helping Gus off “Come on now, teeth, face, PJs and bed.” Gus runs to the bathroom and Bellamy follows swiftly, deciding to get ready with him tonight since they were going to bed together.

Gus pushes the tiny chair he used to climb up so he could reach the sink and carefully steps on it before rolling his sleeves and turning on the sink. 

Bellamy helps him adjust the water, even though it’s almost entirely cold and then Gus cleans his face.

“But I thought you won’t go to work for a month, dada. Has it been a month?”

“No,son, it’s been two weeks.”

“So how come you have to go?” he stops and lets Bellamy help him squeeze some soap on his hands and clean them and his face up. 

“Clean your mouth well, Gus” he instructs before answering “It’s just how the law is, son. I am needed, so I have to go.”

“But your arm-”

“Is fine. Doctor Griffin fixed me up, remember?” he promises as he gives him the brush and squeezes some toothpaste for him, handing it over and watching as he brushed.

Meanwhile Bellamy picks his own and gets on it himself. They were sweet like this both of them looking each other in the old smoky mirror, Gus rubbing his teeth with care and Bellamy tiredly leaning on the sink over him. 

“Come on spit and rinse.” Bellamy instructs and Gus follows right up.

When they’re done, Bellamy grabs the brush from the cupboard on the left and starts combing Gus’ curls, trying to tame them if just a bit which was a hopeless affair, one he was aware of from experience, yet still…Gus liked that ritual so he stood still and watched as his dad carefully did it.

“Dada, I don’t want you to go back to work.” Bellamy stops combing his hair and tilts his head at Gus who looks shy and embarrassed again.

“Why so?”

“I…I don’t want you to get hurt again.” it spills out of him so fast and yet so innocent it blows Bellamy off, feels like a punch to the stomach.

 He actually has to grip the side of the sink and brace himself for the talk.

He takes in a deep breath before he kneels down and makes Gus turn around and face him. 

This way with the kid still up on his chair, they were at the same eye level which is what Bellamy wanted in the first place.

“Gus, dad will be fine.” he starts and even though he commands his voice to come as strong and steady, it still shakes a little. “I need to go back to work so I can buy us things, get us food, save for a present for your birthday.”

“I don’t want a present if you’re not healthy, dada.” Gus protests and Bellamy’s heart shatters at that.

“I’ll be fine.” 

“Can you promise?” Bellamy winces at that, bows his head down and looks away for a moment.

What was he supposed to do here? 

Be honest with his son-tell him that he can’t promise him anything, that injuries happened all the time, that every day he goes to work, he’s not sure he’ll come back at all? 

That he’ll be there to pick him up from day care? That he has scenarios in his head much similar to the one that happened to him with Gina where Gus’ kindergarten teacher comes and tells him his dad’s been in an accident and is dead.

Bellamy wakes up drowning in cold sweat almost every night because of those.

Or was he supposed to lie to him? 

Tell him that yes, he can promise that nothing bad will happen and let him live in a fantasy world, praying to whatever god was out there that he’ll be fine and he won’t die before his son is at least old enough to take care of himself?

But how was he supposed to be an example for his son if he lied? How was he to teach him to be honest if he didn’t tell him the truth himself?

“No.” he finally lets out and looks up at Gus’ sad eyes that are filling with tears “I can’t promise you that I won’t get hurt ever again.” Gus sniffles and a few of the tears roll down his cheeks “But-” he reaches up and squeezes his tiny arms in his big ones “I can promise you that I’ll be careful.”

Gus doesn’t say anything to that at first, just keeps sniffling and raising his tiny fists to wipe away his tears.

“I don’t want to lose you, dada. I don’t want you to go in the stars with mama.”

“I won’t. I won’t go!” Bellamy assures as he pulls him to his chest and hugs him tightly. 

He feels his tears spill all over his shirt and it feels like Gus’ sadness was a river flowing directly to his heart, filling it with his little son’s sadness and fears. Fears Bellamy had himself. 

“Listen now-” he pulled Gus away and cupped his tiny face. “Last time it only got worse because I didn’t listen to you and grandma when you told me to go see doctor Clarke. Now I promise that if I feel bad, if something hurts, we’ll go right away. You and I. And if I don’t, you have the right to be angry with me, okay?”

Gus nods and looks at him for a long while, tears still streaming down his cheeks, his tiny sobs and hiccups still present, but Bellamy wipes them away from his face and moves up to kiss his forehead.

“It’ll be alright, Gus.” He doesn’t say anything just jumps in his arms and wraps his tiny hands around his neck.

“Don’t let go, dada.” he whispers “Please don’t let go.”

“I won’t, son. I never will!” he rubs his hand up and down his small cold back “Dad will hold you for as long as you want me to.”

“Gus wants forever.” he whispers still hiccuping just barely. Bellamy never even suspected the news of him going back to work would be so hard for Gus to grasp. 

“Then forever it is.” Bellamy promises holding him tight and peppering his cheeks with kisses until he breaks the tiniest smiles out of Gus. “What do you say tomorrow we go to the black market together, huh? We have to pick you a shirt and new jeans for the Unity Days celebration anyway.”

“But I thot we got no points for new clothes.” Gus’ voice goes sluggish and he leans into his dad’s chest looking up at him with big bright still glassy eyes. 

“I have some saved just for this.”

“But you didn’t know Miss Karen will pick me.” that was true. 

Every year twenty four kids from the stations day cares were chosen to represent their part of the Ark in the Unity Days celebration. 

A boy and a girl from each station had to carry a flag and recite the story of the Ark coming together a hundred years ago. 

Bellamy was never a fan of the Unity days celebration-it meant more work for him-more electricity problems and more things to patch up, extra shifts to fill so that the machines worked 24 hours instead of just 8 and the Alpha, Mekka and Hydra-the superior stations, can have the time of their lives while he and his coworkers worked themselves to the ground. 

This year Gus was chosen alongside a girl called Darcy to be the representatives of Factory as they were the best in their class. 

Bellamy was proud of his son and he liked boasting around with him but it was for a good reason-Gus was smart. 

Actually pretty smart for his age. 

In part that was thanks to Bellamy who’d read to him since he was a baby. When Gus was two he was talking like he was four and he still had some peers who wouldn’t be able to utter more than five words and string them in a semblance of a sentence. 

Bellamy would sit him down every evening put him on his lap and teach him stuff in the form of games. They’d draw and he’d ask him the colors, make him remember them, or he’ll draw him letters and ask him to pronounce them, then he’d let him down and play with him around the room and question him stuff like:

 “What color’s the blanket? And Gus’ eyes? What’s grandma’s letter? The first letter of her name? Good boy.” 

Gus loved learning, so it wasn’t as if Bellamy was pushing him. He asked questions all the time, questions Bellamy himself had a hard time answering like: 

“How does the Ark stay in the sky? How old is Earth, dada? Can we ever go back? What about the sun, dada, how old is the sun?” 

He was quick to memorize things and was very close to reading on his own. 

He’d ask his dad to read him from the Iliad every night and he’d repeat some passages by heart before Bellamy had even turned the page. 

It was no wonder Miss Karen picked him.

“I had a feeling, so I started saving.” Bellamy runs his fingers through his curls and kisses his nose once more. “Come on now, PJs. Do you want to put them on your own or should I help?”

“On my own!” Gus exclaims as he starts taking his jeans off and pulling on his blue sweatpants. 

“Keep the t-shirt on, it’s cold tonight.” Bellamy instructs while he changes from his black canvas pants into the thin paper-like grey pants Gina got him years ago after their wedding. 

“Off you go now. Put the chair back where it belongs.” Gus hops off and drags the tiny metal chair under the sink waiting patiently for his dad to get done. 

He sits on the floor, wrapping his arms around his leg while Bellamy applies some Miracle rub over his sore shoulder and tries not to wince too much.

“Need help, dada?”

“I think I got it, big boy.” Bellamy promises before throwing his shirt back on and leaning down to pick Gus up. 

The kid wraps around him like a monkey on a branch and he gets softer and more sluggish with every passing second. Bellamy carefully pulls the blankets aside and lays them down. 

Gus climbs up on his stomach and sprays over his dad like a blanket himself which makes Bellamy chuckle. The kid is barely keeping his eyes opened at this point.

“How many blankets, Gus?”

“One.”

“You sure?”

“Mhm, you warm, dada” he says wrapping his tiny arms tighter around Bellamy’s chest but Bellamy doesn’t really believe him so he picks up his tiny hand and finds it freezing cold, so he puts it between his and blows some air to warm them up. 

Gus wiggles in his arms, protests that it tickles but Bellamy keeps rubbing his tiny fingers and checks out his feet and back which are also freezing so he throws an extra blanket over them and tucks it tight around Gus.

“Your mama used to say I’m a furnace.”

“What’s that?” Gus asks sleepily tucking his head under his dad’s chin. “A fuwnace?”

“It’s like a big warm heater. We have one here in Factory. It spreads the warmth through the radiators in our compartments.”

“So like the sun but fake.” Bellamy smiles at his son’s comment.

“Not fake but rather man-made.” Gus hmms at that and yawns a little as Bellamy keeps rubbing his hand up and down his back.

“I think we need a bigger fuwnace in Factory.” Gus mumbles “It’s always cold here.” Bellamy wraps his arms tighter around him and prays it won’t get worse throughout the night.

 “Are you cold, dada?”

“You keep me warm, son.” he promises wrapping the blanket tighter around them and taking Gus’ hand in his again. 

His kid squirms a little in his arms again and though he yawns once more, Bellamy knows he’s not yet going to fall. 

“Dada, remember how I wanted to be a space walker when I grow up, so I can see the stars and be close to mama?”

“Mhm.” Bellamy was starting to feel the sleep on his own eyes that felt heavy.

“I think I changed my mind.”

“How come?”

“I want to be a medic like Clarke and help people from Factory that get hurt.” Bellamy’s voice got stuck in his throat, tears pickled in his eyes. 

For a moment, his hand stopped rubbing Gus’ back-he needed a minute to compose himself.

“That’s…that’s really nice, Gus.” he finally whispers back leaning down to kiss the top of his head “You know dad will support you no matter what, right?” Gus looks up at him with big brown eyes filled with hope and innocence before he nods and snuggles back under his chin.

“I love you, dada.”

“Love you too, son.” Bellamy tightens his grip and soon enough Gus’ eyes close, his mouth opens up and he starts drooling over his dad’s shirt. 

His body goes slack and the hold on Bellamy’s sides eases up.

He doesn’t wake up through the night.

Not even when he rolls over to Bellamy’s side and wraps his hands around his arm in his sleep. 

Not even when Bellamy wakes up to check if he’s warm enough and upon finding his hands and back cold again, he pulls up one of his own sweaters and wraps him in it like a baby in a really big blanket. 

Gus loved when Bellamy let him wear his clothes so in the morning when he finally opened up his eyes and found himself tucked under his dad’s good arm, pressed to his side, he wiggles his feet and feels the enormity of the cloth wrapped around him, the three blankets and the extra pair of socks his dad put on him.

But when he reaches with his tiny hand and touches his dad’s cheek to wake him up, he finds it cold and his face falls.

His dad was no longer a furnace.

 

***

 

Clarke was trying to find her way through the crowd while holding up the bag full of cupcakes in one hand. 

The black market was full this Saturday, more full than it usually was, even though Factory’s one was famous and drew crowds from all the other stations as it had the best merchandise to sell and the most traders. 

Some of the things Clarke had seen being sold here would make some of Alpha’s residents growl with envy which is why she and Wells liked sneaking in here, ever since they were children. 

Back then they’d dress up so they don’t draw attention-the chancellor’s son was a target on any good day and she was a councilwoman’s daughter so she wasn’t someone to ignore either but now when people from all stations flooded Factory’s big mess hall every Saturday, she didn’t have to hide who she was. 

It was normal now-everyone knew this was the best place to find something rare you’re looking for or buy something you need on a cheaper price. 

Clarke herself enjoyed it most for the Farm station boots which were always bountiful in various food and most of all-sweet treats that they would only show and sell here-you couldn’t buy them every day, not even in Alpha, no matter how many rations you had, but now-now she could get anything her heart desired and Wells never said no to her when she dragged him here, knowing that denying Clarke her sweets was equal to suicide.

But now he had to leave early, having being called into an urgent Guard meeting so she was trying to find a quieter corner, maybe a bench when she heard familiar voices.

“Gus, hold still, big boy, we need to try this on.”

“But dada, the pencils!”

“Do you want to look good for the Unity Days celebration?” Clarke was already making her way towards the voice when after pushing a few people away and mumbling a couple of quiet apologies, she found herself near a clothing booth with Bellamy kneeling before Gus holding up a nice blue plaid shirt and a pair of pretty decent black jeans. 

“But-” Gus was about to protest when his head turned up and his eyes locked on her, making his frown turn into a sweet smile. “Clarke!” he screamed, letting go of his dad’s hand and rushing to her only to end up crashing in her legs. 

“Hey, sweet cheeks!” she greeted him running her hands through his curls. “What are you doing here?”

“Dada’s buying me clothes for Unity days! I’ll be holding the flag with Darcy and recite!”

“Oh wow, that’s amazing!” she looks up at Bellamy who’s now approaching them wearing the same shy but sweet smile “Your dad must be so proud.”

“He is, but he’s also exasperated because this little ball of energy won’t stop for two seconds so we could try this shirt on” Bellamy announces and suddenly he becomes very aware once again of the way he’s dressed. 

He never understood why he got so self-conscious around her, why he was so embarrassed of his old full of holes shirt or his torn up shoes and washed out trousers. 

If Clarke noticed how he looked she never commented on it and in all honesty, he didn’t think she did. 

She was always so genuine in her reactions, always so warm-she never spared a second glance at his clothes. 

He wondered if she’d still look at him the same way if she saw him after work-his hands covered in oil and cuts-blood mixing with dirt, his jumpsuit full of fresh tears and black spots, his face dark from the saw of the machines, his hair wet from the heat and sweat.

“Sowwy, dada!” Gus apologizes but grabs Clarke’s hand and pulls her back to the booth where the owner is giving them a curious but also somewhat angry look.

“Are you buying this or not?” the man who Bellamy actually knew as Kevin and who went to school with him back when they were kids, asks.

“I think it’ll fit him. How much is it?” Bellamy sighs when he realizes he won’t be able to make Gus hold still to try it on. 

He was already too enthusiastic, begging to be picked up by Clarke, who of course indulged him and who suddenly fell into deep and serious conversation with him about the stars.

“Thirty points.”

“What? Are you crazy? It’s second hand, I’m not giving thirty points for that.” Bellamy raised his voice and put it back on the table where the rest of the clothes were so carefully folded together. 

This was two weeks of rations for them,he couldn’t spent it on just a shirt.

“Fine, fifteen for the shirt and ten for the jeans.” Kevin decides and Bellamy shakes his head at that-he didn’t have those kind of resources. 

Not with missing work for almost three weeks. 

“Hey, maybe I can help some-” he hadn’t noticed when Clarke approached them again, Gus up in her arms, leaning over her chest and sucking on his thumb like he did when he was happy. 

She was already pulling out her card, ready to pay Kevin when Bellamy raised his hand.

“No” his voice came way too rude even to his own ears. Clarke’s face twisted in pain at it and he immediately regretted it “I’m sorry…I know you want to but this is something I need to take care of myself.” Clarke nods and he notices the way Gus’ face falls a little as if he knows Bellamy can’t afford the clothes.

He liked them, Bellamy knew he did, he noticed the way he eyed the shirt. He was tired of wearing clothes with holes and pants that didn’t fit him anymore. 

Gus craved what every child did-to be normal.

So Bellamy swallowed hard and turned back to Kevin. He knew the guy, he was a weasle, who always tried to get away with things. 

He didn’t work at any of the the factories even though he was from the station and how he got that business at all was a mystery for Bellamy but he knew he had to be careful with him-those were the people who could tell off the guard if you spoke against the chancellor and have you deprived of rations for three months.

Kevin loved the thrill of a driving a good bargain, so that’s what he was going to give him.

“Ten for the shirt and seven for the jeans.” he started and Kevin’s face stretched in a smile.

“You work in the machine department right?” Kevin said crossing his arms over his chest with a winning look in his eyes “You wield things?” Bellamy nods furrowing his eyebrows, not really seeing where he was going with that.

“I’ll give them both for twenty five if you come today after I’m done here and fix my radiator. There’s also a patch on the ceiling that needs to be covered up.”

Bellamy’s about to open his mouth and agree when Clarke comes by his side and reaches for the hand he was about to stretch out in a handshake to Kevin to seal the deal.

Her touch is electrifying on his skin and he commands himself not to jump.

“He’s not working now.” her voice is cold and steady and when Bellamy turns to look at her he finds her glaring at him angrily while holding up Gus in her arms who was still letting himself be pampered by her hand running through his curls. 

“Yes, I am.” Bellamy cuts her off and her eyes widen at that. 

It’s true he had made great progress in the past two weeks but she had noticed even today the way he kept his arm bend and close to his chest and how when he had reached to grab Gus’ shoulder and keep him still, he had winced.

He hadn’t recovered yet.

“Bellamy-”

“Clarke, I got this.” he stands before her whispering, noticing the way that Kevin was eyeing her. 

No matter how open and welcoming to the other station this black market was, he wasn’t entirely sure how safe Clarke was out here in the open.

Let alone arguing with a man from Factory who had been glaring at her with hatred from the moment she came by Bellamy’s side.

This wasn’t looking good for either one of them. 

In the eyes of Factory people he was probably looking like a traitor, talking to the enemy princess of Alpha and even if that wasn’t the case…then there were always the Arrowheads which he definitely didn’t want to target Clarke who had been nothing but helpful and friendly to him and Gus.

He shivers when he thinks about them. 

He’s had a few encounters with the group when they’ve tried recruiting young kids like him who had just started working in Factory, fresh out of school, with no promises and hopes for the future but to work themselves to the ground until they die. 

He had seen a certain appeal back then, in fact he even went to one of their meetings but then Aurora had found out and she had been so furious, she had grabbed him by the collar and dragged him home, giving him a speech he still remembers.

He was still a kid then, barely eighteen. The Arrowheads were one of the oldest groups in all of the stations that was fighting against the terror of the Ark and the chancellor.

It started out as just thirteen men from Factory many years ago who led a strike and demanded better conditions. 

The chancellor back then caught them, floated everyone but their leader who he lynched publicly with electric shock lashes and then threw in jail until he killed himself just weeks later. 

Their descendants continued the believes of their parents, though and soon enough people from some of the other, so called “lower” stations like Arrow and Farm joined too.

The Ark and the chancellor never officially admitted that the group still exists. According to the official statements, it was destroyed all those many years ago by the first chancellor and any public talk of the Arrowheads would equal punishment. 

But they very much so existed and even though they took a big blow back then when the big fire that took Gina’s life happened, they have been rising from the ashes in the past six months, stirring the waters and causing trouble for Alpha and all the councilors.

Their most recent act against the Ark’s rule was kidnapping one of the councilmen’s sons-a fifteen year old boy called Jonah, beating him up and tying him to a column in one of the coldest parts in Factory station as a way to show the chancellor that they were freezing to death and he was letting it happen.

Naturally, the chancellor’s and guards version were that this was a prank. The boy had gotten drunk on moonshine and tied by his friends who then realized curfew was too close so they left him there in order to get home on time.

Factory, of course, knew better. Some people rejoiced when they saw the kid tied to the column in the early hours of the day when they were heading to work. Some even spat at him and cursed. The kid was weeping by the time the guards came to cut the ropes and Bellamy almost felt bad for him.

Until he remembered he slept in his own room every night, in nice sheets and comfortable pillow, with the heat turn on to a boiling point after having eaten a three course dinner. 

And then his pity disappeared and was instead replaced by anger.

Anger, that however he was good at taming. He hated the way they lived but there was nothing he could do about it, let alone join a gang of idiots who thought they could change the world-this was dangerous and stupid. 

The chancellor would never fall, things in Factory can never change and getting angry was only making things worse for him.

And Gus.

He’d never risk his life and leave Gus alone to chase a dream that will never happen. 

He had to raise his son and raise him well, help him get the education that he wanted and send him off to a better station where he’d have a good life. 

“Dada’s not lying, he’s going back to work next week!” Gus exclaims as he pulls away from Clarke and steadies his tiny body by putting his hands on her shoulders. 

“What?” he can see the anger in her eyes and he knows this will lead to another one of their arguments but this time it’d have to wait.

He needed to get her off of Kevin’s eyes.

“Why don’t you and Gus go take a walk and I’ll join you in a minute?” Bellamy suggests reaching out to squeeze Clarke’s elbow in a quiet request. 

Thankfully, she gets what he means, sighs and gives him a small nod. 

“Come on, Clarke, I want to see the drawing booth!” Gus jumps off of her arms and starts tugging her somewhere down the long row of tiny shops and tables that served as counters.

Clarke lets herself be dragged by the kid but her eyes remain on Bellamy for a moment, even when he turns his back to her and starts talking to the merchant once again, arguing graciously about the price. 

Something told her that deep down this wasn’t just about clothes for Gus but she couldn’t figure out why Bellamy seemed so adamant to get rid of her.

And work? He couldn’t go back to work! Not yet! Not if she had a say in it.

“Come on, Clarke, come on!” Gus kept blabbing as he tugged her down the narrow path between the booths. He was enthusiastically blabbing until they came to a halt and she almost bumped into him. When her eyes fell on the women behind the booth, her lips stretched in a smile.

“Cassandra.” the older woman smiled softly at her.

“Clarke”

“You know each other!” Gus exclaims when he sees them exchange a small friendly hug over the table where Cassandra sold various sorts of drawing materials-brushes, pencils, markers, paints, even notebooks and sheets. 

She had everything from the newest and untouched sets of pencils to small used rubbers or pastels that she sold for just a few ration points. 

Clarke had known her since she was a kid when her and Wells sneaked out here. She had befriended the woman over the years of buying things from her and now every time she came to Factory’s black market, she made sure to look for her.

But she had no idea Gus knew who she was either.

“And I see you know my favorite client.” Cassandra says, reaching out to ruffle Gus’ curls. 

He perches up on the table and his eyes fall on the small used pencils that were barely just a few inches long.

“I thought I was your favorite client!” Clarke protests in a joking manner and the older woman laughs wholeheartedly. 

Cassandra was from Arrow station that though the smallest, prouded themselves with being of artistic kind. 

They produced paper, paints both for drawing and cloth coloring. They were musicians, actors, writers in other words-they made life on the Ark a hell of a lot more bearable even if no one else admitted it out loud.

“Fine, you both are.” the older woman said genuinely.

“How do you know each other?” Gus asks tilting his head at Clarke while picking up one of the yellow pencil “leftovers” as Factory liked calling them and holding it like the world depended on it. 

“Well Clarke had been coming to me since she was a little older than you.” Cassandra says “She always bought things from me and asked me for advice on how to get better at drawing.”

“She’s the best! She drew me some stuff and I put them on my wall.”

“You did?” Clarke asks surprised, not knowing that piece of information when Gus nods eagerly. 

“Dada helped me.”

“And how do you know Clarke?” Cassandra asks leaning over so she can be closer to Gus’ eye level.

“She’s our doctor! She fixes me and dada when we’re sick. One day I’ll grow up and be a medic like her.” Clarke raises her eyebrow again, feeling her heart beat out of her chest with love for this boy. 

She kneels down and leans over, kissing his cheek and rubbing her thumb under his eye.

“You’re a good boy, Gus.” he blushes a little and jumps in her arms again, letting her raise them both up and snuggling in her embrace like he always fit there. “Now what should we get?”

“I twink dada can get me only one pencil this time.” Gus says rubbing the back of his head and wiggling out of Clarke’s embrace once more. He takes another peak at the small pencils and curiously shoves them aside. “Do you have orange?”

“Hmm, I think I have one here but it’s more than five points.” she shows him a middle size pencil and Gus shakes his head.

“No.” Clarke’s heart breaks at the way he just accepts he can’t have this because he knows his dad can’t afford it “Yellow then?”

“I think I have some here in the back, wait a moment.” Cassandra turns their back to them and starts looking for pencils in one of her metal boxes. 

Meanwhile Gus perks up again and stares at everything he sees on the table. His eyes widen as if he’s seen a table filled with every meal on the Ark and he swallows hard.

Clarke’s heart breaks.

“How do you like these?” she asks him when she notices his eyes fall on the water color paints in the corner-a set with twelve colors and two brushes. 

Gus shrugs a little and lets his tiny hands leave the table as he averts his head to the ground. Clarke’s smarter, though, so she picks them up and takes a look at them before handing them over to him.

He never picks them up.

As if he knows that if he does, it’d only make it more painful because he can never have them.

“I’ve never tried water color.” he finally mumbles and when he looks up his eyes go wide at the sight of them in their perfect white little box. 

“Gus, we’re friends, right?” Clarke asks a moment later kneeling down to his level and picking up his chin. Gus nods and smiles a little. “And friends help each other, right?”

“I guess…”

“Good.” Clarke cups his cheek briefly before moving back up “Cassandra-” she calls after her “We’ll take these.” she waves the water color set “That notebook over there too, please.”

“Clarke, no! What are you doing? That’s too much!” Gus exclaims as he wraps his hands around her legs. “Dada will be mad.”

“Let me handle your dad.” Clarke strokes his head as she takes out her rations card and hands it to Cassandra, asking her to add a small set of ten pencils, a fresh rubber and a sharpener (Gus chooses it to be green after Clarke prods him ten times to pick the one he likes most). 

The older woman wraps them in a paper back and hands it to Gus who seems perplexed.

“I can’t take it, Clarke.” he mumbles.

“Yes you can and you will.” Gus shakes his head at that “You deserve it. You have been working very hard and you’re going to represent your station at Unity days. That’s worth a present from your friend who’s proud of you.” Gus’ eyes light up at that.

“Youw pwoud of me?”

“Of course, I am, Gus.” she finds a lose curl on his forehead and tucks it aside so he can see her better. 

Bellamy had said he needs to cut his hair but Gus refused to-he liked it long and messy. That, and he was afraid of the scissors. 

“Now take it.” 

Gus has just wrapped his arms around the package and held it to his chest like a precious stuffed toy when Bellamy reappears red-faced and seemingly very annoyed but with a package of his own tucked under his arm pit which meant he succeeded in convincing Kevin to sell him the clothes at a reasonable price.

“What happened?” Clarke asks as she stands back up and fixes her shirt, suddenly self-conscious of being around Bellamy. 

“He drove a hard bargain but I agreed to fix his radiator tonight if-” Bellamy’s eyes fall on Gus and the package and considering where they’re standing, he quickly connects the dots “What’s that?”

“Clarke gave me a pwesent for making it to the Unity Days celebration!” Gus exclaims happy and picks the bag up, showing it to his dad. 

Bellamy swallows hard, his vision goes dark for a moment and he sways a little on his feet, for once the reason, though, wasn’t because he hadn’t eaten since yesterday morning. 

“She said she’s proud of me!” Gus adds and Bellamy commands himself to breathe but his heart beats so loud in his ears he feels like passing out. He opens up his mouth to say something but instead he sways again and feels Clarke’s steady hand on his elbow, keeping him upright.

“Bellamy-” she whispers and his head snaps to her.

If there was a way for her to get herself floated in that moment, she would’ve because the look in Bellamy’s eyes was not just anger and resentment.

It was also disappointment. 

“Dada, you okay?” Gus tugs at his pants, demanding his attention, suddenly worried about him “Do you hurt again?”

“No…no, I don’t hurt.” he croaks out, voice coming high pitched and broken. 

His eyes are still on Clarke and she feels like she’s losing all ground underneath her too. 

“You’re not mad, right?” Gus asks again “I pwomise I will use them for a long time and keep them clean and not waste the paper!”

“That’s okay, Gus.” Bellamy steadies his voice and as he swallows hard he finally looks down on him and fakes a smile “How about we go to the swings for a bit, what do you say?” 

Gus keeps his eyes on him for a moment but when he figures his dad’s not angry, he nods eagerly, happily even and takes off to the swings which were just out of the mess hall, around the corner.

“Bellamy, please, let me-” Clarke tries but he raises his hand and simply gestures for her to follow them. 

Gus runs before them but not too far so that Bellamy can keep an eye on him and when they make it to the playground that had nothing but three swings and one slide, Bellamy leads her to a bench in the corner, instructs Gus to be careful, makes him leave the package with them and sits down.

Clarke settles down next to him but he places the packages between them as if desperate to create a gap because he couldn’t bear her presence. 

He was clenching his jaw, staring right ahead and his bad hand was gripping the bench’s handle so hard his knuckles turned white. 

“Look-” she sighs trying to gather her thoughts. She had no intentions of losing Bellamy’s friendship over a bunch of paints. 

“I know you’re angry but I really wanted to do something nice for him. He’s my friend and I meant what I told him-being chosen for the Unity days celebration is huge and I felt like-”

“You felt like giving him a taste of a world he can never have.” Bellamy’s voice was quiet, hoarse and made her shiver. He threw her a quick glance before he swallowed hard and kept going. 

“You’re wrong, I’m not mad. I’m simply disappointed.”

“Bellamy it’s just some paints and pencils, it’s not such a big deal.”

“Maybe to you it isn’t.” he cuts her off “But I have to work an extra hour to get those five ration points so I can come here on a Saturday and buy him something that’s not even resembling a pencil anymore.” she thinks back to the leftovers Gus was looking at, telling Cassandra his dad can maybe only get him one this time.

“Bellamy, I didn’t mean to undermine your efforts.”

“But you did! He had to watch me struggle all morning to find clothes I can afford and then he had to be embarrassed to stand by my side as I was trying to convince Kevin to sell me a shirt with holes in it and washed out jeans so he could look at least somewhat presentable for the biggest event of the year!” 

Clarke swallows hard and feels tears fill up her eyes.

“And then I leave him with you because I trust you and you go out there and with the swipe of a hand you can buy him anything he desires.”

“Bellamy-” her voice breaks a little and he clenches his jaw once more. 

“Do you know how hard it is to deny your child the things he wants?” his voice breaks now, she sees the tears in his own eyes and how hard he’s trying not to let them spill, not to show her weakness. 

His eyes find Gus who’s swinging on one of the swings after waiting ten minutes for it to be free.

 “How every day I struggle with simple things like food? And then coming here and seeing him look at pencils and books, clothes and toys he can never have!”

Clarke whimpers and buries her face in her hands for a moment. The pain in his voice was too much for her.

“And how he learns with time that we can’t afford them so he stops asking altogether, do you know what that’s like, Clarke?” he demands now “Answer me, do you?”

“No.”she shakes her head. 

She’s always had everything she needed, her father never once denied her a single thing she craved be it food, or toys or fancy birthday dresses that made her look like a real princess. 

She even had a little plastic crown that she went to bed with every night until she was six. 

Bellamy was right to call her princess. He was right to call her privileged.

She was.

“Then what made you think you can come in our lives and hand him things without thinking of the consequences?” his voice is judging, harsh. She’s never seen Bellamy that angry before. 

“What happens when he comes by tomorrow and asks me for a new notebook but I have to choose between giving him what he wants and having enough rations to feed him, what then? Where would you be then?”

HERE, she wanted to scream. I’ll be here.

But she couldn’t promise that. She lived in Alpha, she was a medic and while she had grown closer to Bellamy and Gus, she wasn’t living in Factory, she didn’t know their every day struggles, she had no grasp of their lives at all. 

She got to simply see some stuff and get mad on their behalf but at the end of the day she went back home to her four bedroom compartment and her warm dinner waiting for her on the table, brought by her mom’s maid.

He was right and he had every reason to be mad at her now. 

He had struggled to get his son simple clothes and she went out there and with the swipe of her card got Gus things he only dreamed of simply because she thought she’s doing him a favor, making him happy but wasn’t there pity at the bottom of it? Maybe there was…maybe not, she wasn’t sure what she was thinking.

But she knew one thing, she shouldn’t have done this. At least not before letting it pass through Bellamy first. 

“You’re right.” she finally speaks up, demanding her voice to keep steady “What I did was awful. You are his father, I should’ve at least asked for your permission first before I did this. It was stupid and reckless and I did not think of the consequences for Gus.”

Bellamy seems surprised by her words because he looks at her and though his lips are parted, he doesn’t speak up.

“It was however not ill-intended and I do mean what I told him-I am proud of him and I thought he deserves to be rewarded for his hard work.” she reaches out over the packages and covers Bellamy’s hand with hers, willing him to listen. 

“Please, Bellamy…I don’t want to fight with you.” his face softens and he tilts his head at her for a moment before his eyes fall to her lips and then he clenches his jaw and commands himself to look away.

“Clarke-” he shakes his head a little as if contemplating what to do.

“I know I may be not worthy of it but I really like having you and Gus as my friends.” she shrugs a little as she stares down at their hands “I don’t have that many of those.” he sighs and runs his bad hand through his curls that shake and twirl in the same way Gus’ did. 

“I’m sorry.”

A beat and then his fingers wrap around hers in a tight squeeze.

She feels her heart fill with hope.

“You’re forgiven.” he finally says and finally truly meets her eyes. 

They still look like an angry ocean right before a storm but there’s also something else there-something warm, kind, that can be felt in the way his fingers wrap around hers-it was both feather-like as if he was afraid if he holds onto her just a little big tighter he may ruin her but also steady like a promise that won’t be broken.

“I’m still paying you for everything you gave him.” she wants to fight him on it but she forces herself not to and simply nods which seems to be the right call because it makes his body finally loose it’s stiff composure and relax a little into the bench.

“What was it you said about work?” it’s her turn to ask questions and he sighs shaking his head just barely. 

She notices once again how tired he looks, how he slumps a little too much in his seat, how he winces when he tries to find a place to lean on that doesn’t bother his shoulder. 

Still, his hand doesn’t let go of hers and she finds the warmth that spreads through her making her heart grow sizes.

“I got my notice. I need to report on Monday.” he says quietly.

“I’ll talk to the board, ask for a delay.” he smiles at that-in the short span that he’s got to know Clarke, he realized she never come down without a fight.

“No” he shakes his head slowly “You’ve already done more than enough.”

“You haven’t recovered yet.”

“I made good progress. You said so yourself.”

“It’s one thing to be able to lift your arm above your head, a whole different to move heavy pieces of metal and work a ten hour shift.”

“I’ll be okay. I’ve been through worse.” he counters as he watches Gus speed up on the swing and calls out on him to slow down before he keeps on.”Truth is, I would’ve asked to go back myself even if they hadn’t send me the notice.”

She looks at him but he’s keeping his eyes on the kids, refusing to show weakness.

“You don’t have any points left.”

He shrugs. Now she understands why he was so angry before. He used his last rations to get his son clothes and she walked over him and bought him a set of paints and pencils.

“Spent my last ones today.” he lets go of her hand and moves up resting his elbows on his knees.

 “I’m tired.”

He doesn’t know why he tells her that. Maybe because he couldn’t share it with his mom and he sure as hell couldn’t look at his son and tell him he feels like passing out every time he takes another extra shift. 

It was all a constant battle…a battle he seemed he just couldn’t win, no matter how hard he tried, how much he pushed and persisted.

He had no friends, no one that would truly understand him and his pain but Clarke…somehow he felt that he could tell her that. That she’d…just get it.

Which was ironic considering she was an Alpha princess who knew nothing about life on Factory.

And still…

He feels her hand on his back now, rubbing up and down in a soothing manner and he’s glad, thankful, relieved even and he can’t explain why but he doesn’t feel alone for the first time since he lost Gina.

Finally she utters and she sounds angry again.

“That’s why you should’ve stayed home for the rest of the month.”

“I don’t mean just now, Clarke.” 

“I know…but it would’ve helped a little.” he shrugs and shakes his head off as if trying to get rid of all the thoughts plaguing his mind. 

“I’m fine.” he’s suddenly aware that he showed her weakness, that he complained. 

He never did that with anyone, not even when he was married to Gina, certainly not when he was a child. 

Aurora Blake was a strong woman who raised a strong child-there was no place for whining for being weak or lazy. 

And she was right to push him, to make him strong like this otherwise he would’ve never survived Factory, he would’ve never grown up, married Gina and become the father that he was today.

You kept going no matter what. Giving up did not exist as a concept for the Blakes. 

“I’ll be fine.” he adds but it comes out even weaker.

“It’s okay if you’re not.” she squeezes his shoulder and he looks at her and sees nothing but warmth in her eyes. 

She smiles just barely and he responds with the same.

He’s about to ask her how she is when Gus jumps from the swings and come running in throwing himself in his dad’s arms.

“Gus! What have I told you about jumping from the swings!” Bellamy scolds mildly when his son pulls away “You can get seriously hurt.”

Gus titls his head gives him his big puppy eyes and squeezes the hem of his shirt like he did when he was nervous.

“Sowwy, dada.”

“It’s okay but let’s repeat once again what’s the right way to come off the swings?”

“You let it slow down, use your legs to kill some of the speed and carefully slide off.”

“Good man. You’ll do it like this next time right?”

“Mwhwm” he climbs on the bench between them and the packages and looks up at Clarke beaming once more as if her presence enough made his day a hundred times better. 

He looks like he wants to ask her something but is too shy or embarrassed so he climbs in his dad’s lap and whispers something in his ear.

“Go ahead then, ask her.” Gus seems still a little embarrassed because he’s tugging at his shirt even more so Bellamy has to put his hand over his small one and remove it before he’s torn away the already paper thin material. 

“What is it, sweet cheeks?” Clarke prompts and he bows his head down and blushes. Bellamy rubs his back up and down in a soothing and supportive manner.

“Come on, son. You won’t know until you ask.”

“Would you come to my Unity Days celebration recital?” he mumbles and finally dares a peak under the big curls falling over his forehead.

Clarke’s heart flutters but she pretends to be thinking about it, taps her cheek and looks at the ceiling.

“Hmmm…let me think about it.” Gus perks up in his dad’s lap waiting in anticipation “Of course I will, Gus.” he claps his hands and throws himself in her arms for a brief hug.

“Yey!! Twank you, Clarke!” he jumps off the bench suddenly done with the serious conversation “Dada, I’ll go slide now!”

“Okay. Careful,though, right?”

“Wrait!” Gus yells already running to the old rusty slides climbing in the opposite direction, making Bellamy sigh and rub his forehead tiredly.

“That boy is so fearless in his plays, he scares the hell out of me.” Clarke smiles when he looks at Gus who’s now sliding down and yelping in joy hands in the air, curls getting messed up. 

“Are you sure you don’t mind me coming to Unity Days?” it’s her turn to be shy and even a little scared but Bellamy smiles and simply nods, shaking his curls in motion.

“My son seems to have grown very fond of you, Clarke.” he says not meeting her eyes but his voice getting deeper and more emotional “I know that…I can’t be enough for him. I’ll never be enough for him-” he takes in a deep breath and Clarke wants to interrupt him but he’s faster “no matter what I do and he’ll always miss his mom but I want him to have strong women in his life. Women like my mother and..and you.” his cheeks blush and he bows his head away like a shy boy. 

Clarke too feels herself going red before she clears the air and adds quietly.

“Thank you for letting me be in his life.”

Bellamy smiles and for a while they just sit there and watch Gus play without interruption, without the need to speak-the silence, it wasn’t uncomfortable, on the contrary-it was comforting, it brought both of them peace.

When Gus grew tired of playing around, he came back to them, jumped on the bench and started talking to Clarke, explaining what he’ll draw with the paints and how he’ll give her a present when he makes the “best painting ever”. 

She promises to put it in her office so she could be reminded of him whenever she sees it.

Gus is beaming, he’s so happy and when they finally decide to leave, he’s sluggish and slow on his feet so at some point he wraps his tiny legs around his dad and stretches out his little arms.

“Dada! Pick!” he can’t even form a coherent sentence and when Bellamy lifts him up in his arms, despite Clarke’s protests that he shouldn’t exert his shoulder, the kid leans on his chest and his eyes start drooping.

Bellamy insists on sending Clarke off to the station border, giving her the excuse that he doesn’t want her to get lost in the endless Factory hallways but the truth is, he’s afraid of her because of the Arrowheads and he wanted to make sure she got to Hydra safely.

On the way there, just when they’re about to make the final few turns, there’s a boy, no older than maybe seventeen or eighteen, dressed in a jumpsuit much like his own that eyes Clarke angrily and pretends to trip over so he can end up pushing her by the shoulder and maybe pick pocket her.

Bellamy sees through him, though he’s carrying Gus in one arm, he stands before Clarke and pushes her out of the way last minute.

“Sorry, I guess I lost my footing.” he mumbles and the boy hits him in the shoulder instead, the bad one,  making him squirm from the pain. 

He stops, tries to gather his strength and keep his son steady in his good arm. 

“Watch your step, kid!” he scolds the boy who just glares at him and Bellamy sees something flash before his eyes-did the kid have a knife? Or just a well-sharpened piece of glass?

He was probably going to spook her into not coming to Factory ever again. Or tie her to a column like that poor councilor’s boy. 

Maybe he just wanted to steal her rations card and buy everything his heart desired, Bellamy didn’t know. 

He hoped he never would.

“You okay?” Clarke asks when he grits his teeth and a strong wave of pain overwhelms him for a moment. “Let me take Gus!”

“No, I’m okay, it’s nothing!” he promises with a weak smile and urges her to keep going “Let’s get you home.”

“Bellamy-”

“I’m fine, I promise.” he lies and he must be convincing because it makes her keep walking again. 

He doesn’t relax until he sees her on the other side of the border, in Hydra and when he does, he takes a deep breath of relief.

He takes Gus back to their freezing compartment, puts him in the cot and piles a bunch of blankets on him while the kid dozes off mumbling things about using red to draw a sunset and painting the sky golden. 

He smiles and brushes a lost curl from his forehead.

His mom comes by dinner to check on them and he leaves her with Gus so he can go do the job for Kevin even though his shoulder still hurts from the collision with the kid. 

There was a dull throbbing pain that made his hand tremble a little too much but he commanded his hand to wrap tightly around his tool box as he maneuvered through the Factory living quarters maze.

And when he finally did find the place and Kevin opened the door widely, welcoming him in he ended up in the company of twelve more men and women.

They were gathered in a circle, arms crossed over their chests.

When one of the women standing opposite of him stepped forward and dropped her hand to her side he saw a tiny arrow tattooed on the inside of her wrist he knew what this was.

“Bellamy Blake-” she said “We hear you know someone we could use for our cause.”

Bellamy carefully drops his work kit to the ground and then stands as tall as he can, smiling way too smug for his own good.

The Arrowheads didn’t scare him. They never had before, they wouldn’t now.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he says voice steady and strong echoing in the small room full of angry wolves ready to tear him apart.

Chapter 5

Notes:

A/N: Just so there isn't any confusion, I once again want to reiterate that though this is a family fic, it is also a sad story that is filled with many struggles for Bellamy and Gus. I tried very hard to show the way I see the Ark structure and society worked and because of that, there's a major difference between treatment of Alpha residents vs. Factory, Farm, Arrow residents. The more I wrote, the more I dwelled into that.

If you want an absolutely 100% happy fluffy story, this ISN'T one, so you probably should NOT read it.

I've changed the tags and added Graphic Descriptions of Violence, please note that.

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Bellamy was almost running, taking in the turns of the hallways as fast as he could so he could make it to the big square that joined the Alpha, Mekka and Hydra stations and where most of the celebrations, especially the Unity Days one, took place.

He had been delayed at work, so he hadn’t had time to even change out of his jumper that was stained with grease and oil, had tears on the sleeves and was falling apart at the collar. 

He hated that Gus would have to see him like this after his recital but they had a last minute machine to fix and he was happy he could make it at all in the first place.

He ends up at the place already packed. 

There’s the central stage where the chancellor would give his annual speech about the unification of the stations and the “Better tomorrow” they were all working towards but that’d only come after the recital of the children in the middle. 

They’d gather in a circle with all the flags of the original station inhabitants and tell the story of the ship joining in as one.

Bellamy had barely slept all week. 

He had been anxious and nervous ever since his meeting with the Arrowheads about a week ago but he had tried to bury himself in work and helping Gus prepare for the recital.

It wasn’t working too well. 

He couldn’t sleep. 

He was never really good at it anyway because he constantly worried about Gus and if he was fine. 

On a normal night he’d wake up at least three times to make sure his son was warm enough but now he couldn’t sleep at all and that was definitely taking its toll on him, even now when he finally came to a halt in the already stuffed square and still staggered on his feet, reaching for the wall behind him to steady himself.

He looked around, spotting the door on the left where the kids were supposed to come out of and decided to head closer to that place but it was already too packed-he was so late, that most of the parents were already there, having filled in the best places to watch their kids from.

He went back towards the middle. 

It was funny-even though there weren’t any clear designated areas for the specific stations to go to, people still lined with their own. 

Factory was the biggest one and stood proudly in the middle almost directly opposite of the chancellor’s stage. 

Most of the folks were here simply out of duty-many of the bosses cut their hours off that day so they could see the celebrations. 

Nobody talked about how people didn’t want to listen to the chancellor promise empty things and would prefer working for ration points in those few hours but of course it wasn’t their choice.

It never was, Bellamy thought as he found himself among his people and tried to find a place closer to the front. 

Some of the men and women new him and Factory because of their harsh living conditions, have always extended a hand to one another. 

They helped each other because they shared the same fate, they were all brothers and sisters and even if they had none or very little they’d give it out to someone who needed it more.

Which is why now all of those who recognize Bellamy, pat his back, congratulate him on Gus making it to the recital and let him through. 

Bellamy’s heart fills with both love and sadness for them all-they were all dressed in old greasy jumpsuits, their hands were covered in cuts and bruises, the circles under their eyes could make the darkness of the space surrounding them, jealous of their vastness. 

Their eyes were tired and full of grief but their hearts were full.

Well…at least most of them. He didn’t count the Arrowheads in that same group of people.

A shiver runs through his spine when he once again recalls the conversation he had with them that night at Kevin’s place.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” he had tried to keep his voice steady and stand tall but he was surrounded by fourteen people including Kevin.

“Cut the crap, Blake” a man in his thirties came forward and when Bellamy’s eyes fell to his hands he found that he was missing two fingers on his left one while the skin around looked burned. “We know you’re friends with Clarke Griffin.”

“Once again-I have no idea-”

“We’ve seen you, Blake.” the woman who spoke first crosses her arms over her chest and gives him a devious knowing smile “There’s no point denying it.”

“She’s my doctor. I’ve had an accident at work.”

“Dislocated shoulder-” the woman speaks again and Bellamy tries to keep his face neutral even though he’s freaking out over them having such information in the first place 

“Torn up muscles. Required surgery which the resident Alpha princess did herself. Got infected cause you torn it up but she fixed you right away and that must’ve been at home since there’s no record of you going to medbay.”

He swallows hard as the woman comes even closer, looking up right in his eyes.

“Yes, we know all that. We keep track on the people we know we could use or recruit.”

Bellamy chokes a biter laugh at that and steps closer himself, trying to prove he’s not intimidated.

“I’ll never be part of the Arrowheads.” the woman looks around at the group and they exchange knowing smiles once again before she speaks up.

“We’ll see about that, Junior.” he furrows his eyebrows at that.

“What did you just call-” he tried but was interrupted by another guy on his right. 

He could swear he recognized some of the faces but he couldn’t place any names on them. 

Some looked like Factory people but even though one of the women was wearing a jumpsuit in the same color as his, he had no recollection of ever seeing her in the Factory department he worked at.

“Tell us all you know about the princess.”

“I know nothing. And even if I did, I wouldn’t tell you.” Bellamy grunts back at the guy who is at least a head taller than him and looked like he could make Bellamy fall by simply lifting his finger which wasn’t that hard considering how much more weight he’d lost in the past few weeks with their rations so drastically cut off.

“So you’d betray your people?”

“I’m sorry but you’re not my people. I’ve never seen you before and to answer your question-I wouldn’t be betraying anyone because I don’t know anything. Clarke’s simply mine and my son’s doctor. That’s all.”

“Ah, that’s right” the woman with the Arrow tattoo who had first approached him spoke again, clearly being the one in the leadership position. 

“Your son. Augustus Martin Blake, born September 12, 2172, son of Bellamy Blake and Gina Joan Martin, who died in the Factory station fire two and a half years ago.” she recited and Bellamy felt the blood drain from his face.

“Leave my son out of this!” he says carefully through teeth, closing his hands in fists and taking a step forward to her. 

The moment he does so, the rest of her people close on them and he hears the clanking of knives and maybe even guns but he ignores it and keeps his eyes on hers trying not to let his fear show.

“Don’t worry! Nothing will happen to little Gus.” the woman circles around taking her time to completely drive him to the edge “After all, I do want to recruit you, not make you hate me.”

“I already hate you.”

“And you don’t even know why!” the woman says cheerfully which makes Bellamy’s eyebrows furrow “I guess we have your mother to thank for that considering you didn’t seem that strongly against our cause when you were eighteen.”

“I was just a boy. She did the right thing.” he doesn’t know why he needs to defend himself in front of these people. 

He doesn’t even know why he’s letting them surround him when he could simply walk out the door. 

Or would they stop him? Would they beat him up? Try to recruit him by threatening his family?

“What am I doing here? What do you want from me?”

“Oh nothing, just to get acquainted.” the woman says again.

“Yet you know everything about me and I don’t even get a name?”

“Ah, you ask the smart questions, Blake, I’ll give you that but I’m not as stupid as to reveal our real names to you. By the way none of us are dressed from the stations we’re from and most of us are in disguise even if it may not seem so to you, so if you try to rat us out, it won’t work.” he looks around them all again and he must say they’ve done a good job dressing up but he’s always prouded himself at being good to notice little details especially when it came to clothes since his mother was a seamstress-a sleeve hanging too low, a pant leg too short, a collar too high up probably covering a scar, a button missing showing up a red plaid underneath a Farm station work jumpsuit-he saw all that.

“Well in that case I think it’s time I went home. I’ve had enough social interactions for the day.” he tries to lean down and pick up his work kit when the woman speaks again.

“Don’t you ever get mad, Bellamy?” she asks next and with a sigh he raises himself back up “Don’t you ever get tired?”

His words to Clarke from earlier that day flash before his eyes “I’m tired.” 

A hand on his shoulder, a tight squeeze and somehow he could breathe better.

“No.” he lies, he’d be the last person to give this woman the satisfaction of seeing him feeling bad or angry. 

She seems to have read his mind because she just shakes her head as she keeps smiling in the same manner as before-he felt like he was surrounded by a pack of wolves that was ready to attack the moment the woman gave them a sign.

“That fire that burned your wife alive, don’t you ever wonder if something could’ve been done to prevent it? If your son could grow up with his mother had someone been maintaining those machines better? If someone wasn’t ordering people to work fourteen hour shifts? If someone was giving them enough food so they don’t pass out? If someone cared for their health and well-being?” he grits his teeth still refusing to answer her “If-”

“The what if’s are not what’s feeding my son and keeping him alive. They won’t do anything but destroy us and I don’t think a bunch of morons deciding to play heroes can overthrow a system that has been working for over a thousand years by kidnapping innocent children who are not responsible for their parent’s mistakes.”

The woman turns around and claps her hands for the small audience.

“We have a non-believer in our company tonight boys and girls.” she says making the others laugh mockingly “I love turning those the most.”

“You’ll never turn me.” Bellamy grunts through teeth “I’ll never be a part of this.”

“We’ll see about that.” her voice grows serious once more, she nods at the group around her and they step away from Bellamy, clearing his path to the door “You’re free to go.” he starts slowly walking away quietly praying that he doesn’t end up with a knife to his side or a bullet in his head. 

When he reaches the door, the woman speaks up once more

“Oh and if I was you, I’d tell that princess of yours to keep an eye out during her evening strolls. I hear the chancellor’s statistics show that most people get mugged or kidnapped when they cross the stations’ borders and I don’t know how good her hair would look stained in red.”

Bellamy turns around, fingers wrapped around the handle of his tool box that almost shook with violent angry tremors.

“If you hurt her, I’ll-”

“Be careful about the way you finish that sentence, Blake.” she cuts him off “I could have your mother fired within the hour and that shoulder of yours torn up so badly you won’t be able to ever use that arm again.” he purses his lips at that “I’d hate to see that sweet little boy starve to death like so many other in our station.”

She gives him one last nod before she turns around and the door slams in his face.

He hasn’t been able to sleep ever since. 

Replaying it over and over in his head, looking over his shoulder whenever he and Gus left their place, wondering who’s reporting on him, if there’s someone at work keeping an eye on him (there must’ve been, he concluded, otherwise how would she know everything about him and his family?). 

That and she must have someone on the inside in the computer departments in GoSci where all information about everyone on the Ark was kept including their every day ration points transaction as well as their work cards, their shits, their medical check ups, their meal sign offs in the mess hall.

He had completely lost his appetite,not that he had been that hungry before but it grew worse. 

Food was the last thing on his mind and he had gotten so dehydrated he almost passed out one night when he was helping Gus wash up before bed. 

He was paler than usually and his hands shook. 

Whenever he picked up Gus from day care he hugged him tight and carried him home, refusing to let him walk out of fear someone could snatch him easier that way.

Despite worrying about his family, he couldn’t help but think about Clarke too. 

She was clearly one of their targets and he had no way of warning her without freaking her out r someone seeing or hearing them. 

He had walked around the small space of his compartment for hours at night trying to come up with a solution but the best he could think of was to randomly send her a message over the intercom and thank her once more for Gus’ present as a way of checking out on her, hoping the Arrowheads couldn’t see that and if they did, that they wouldn’t find it suspicious or warning-like.

She hadn’t responded for over a day, probably being too busy with work and he couldn’t sleep for more than fifteen minutes, wondering what the hell is going on and if he’ll wake up to the news of another Alpha station citizen wrapped to a pole or beaten bloody.

When she finally send back a message, he let himself breathe and was even happy when she let him know she’s buried with stuff at work because it meant she wasn’t leaving medbay and was safe.

Her message ended with her looking forward to seeing them at Unity days which in turn made him anxious about her well-being again.

After every thought about her, he’d want to bang his head in the wall and ask himself why on earth did he care so much about her? 

She was their doctor true but maybe she was more Gus’ friend than his? Then again he loved talking to her and he found her beautiful but-

And every time the thought of her eyes or smile crossed his mind he shook his head and wished to slap his own cheek.

This could never happen, so he shouldn’t even think about it.

“Here, Blake, pass through!” one of the guys, Jacob, who worked with him in the Factory let him come to the front lines. 

A few other people had patted his back and smiled at him as he tried to make his way through the jumble of people.

“We’re so proud of Gus!”

“Tell the kid we’re happy for him!”

“Such a smart boy you got there, Blake, Gina would be proud.” said others and he thanked them profusely, nodded along, even got teary eyed as he shook their hands back or squeezed their shoulders.

Factory were simple but very prideful people-they stood tall and rarely envied someone else. Since they were in the same boat about everything in life, they were compassionate and happy for others achievements. 

It was like a really big village where even though not absolutely everyone knew everyone (most of them did but it was a big station) they were loving and caring towards one another.

This was no exception.

“Bellamy!” he heard another, different voice calling him from behind just when he had come up near the front circle where he’d have the best view of the ceremony.

He turns around and finds Clarke rushing through him through the Hydra-Factory crowd, apologizing as she went but smiling non the less. 

Much like him she looked as if she just finished work as she was dressed in a simple blue long sleeved shirt, black pants and her white coat.

“Clarke!”

She beams when she reaches him, actually beams, like her world grew lighter just by being next to him.

What surprises him even more is when she reaches him she grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him in for a  hug and holds him tight.

He’s so stunned at first he doesn’t know what to do and his arms simply freeze in the air before he remembers himself and wraps them tightly around her.

It’s the first time in a week that he’s not thinking about the Arrowheads.

He smiles, buries his nose in her shoulder and chuckles lightly.

“Princess, you’ll get your clothes stained, I’m all dirty.” he mumbles feeling his cheeks blush. 

When she pulls away she swats his shoulder and smiles even wider.

“Nonsense.” he bites his lip and looks at her feeling like a fourteen year old holding a girl’s hand for the first time. “Plus, I smell of antiseptic and very possibly blood too. Had a last minute patient with a nasty wound so-”

“That explains why you’re in white.”

“Hope you and Gus won’t mind. I was running down the hallways, almost knocked the guards near the borders off their feet.”

“That must be something to see-the princess rushing to get in time for the ball.” he looks down at her feet “Sure you didn’t lose your glass slipper on the way?” she slaps his arm again but laughs with him.

It’s only then that he notices some of the strange looks coming from the people around him and it makes him stiffen. 

He was hugging and talking to Clarke Griffin and while not everyone knew who she was and that she was from Alpha, they could recognize someone coming from a good station right away. 

Her being in doctor’s clothes wasn’t helping either-the profession was one of the most highly paid and valued on the Ark.

He squeezes his eyes shut and hopes there are no Arrowheads watching him now.

“Hey, you okay? You look a little pale.” she asks noticing the change in his behavior but he simply shakes his head and tries to reassure her with a gentle squeeze on the shoulder.

“I’m fine. Just a little tired.”

“How’s work? Did they reinstate your rations? Does your shoulder hurt?”

“Take a breath, princess.” he jokes lightly “I’m fine.” she raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms over her chest. “I promise.”

“Your I’m fine usually means I haven’t eaten in two days, half my body hurts, my arm feels like falling off and I desperately need sleep.” his jaw hangs a little at that. 

“What? Am I wrong?” he groans.

“You’re one to talk miss I take up on every shift that I can get.” it’s her turn to go wide-eyed “What? I heard you and your colleague Jackson talk, I know you’re a workaholic, princess.”

“I’m-”

“Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to the 145 annual Unity Days celebration.” the voice coming from the vice-chancellor Kane interrupted their conversation making them huff almost as if annoyed and turn to the stage.

The kids were supposed to come up in just a moment and Bellamy was excitedly looking at the door on the left, ignoring all of the vice-chancellor’s words.

“Was he excited?” Clarke whispers,clearly uninterested in the speech as well. 

The lights were turned off and only the inner circle and the stage were light up which gave them a good cover and made Bellamy breathe a little easier.

“He barely slept last night. He talked until he passed out on my chest, reciting his lines and he woke up anxious but excited.” Bellamy says with a smile recalling Gus’ behavior and how sweet he has been this week.

“That’s so sweet.”

“It’s not too sweet when your son walks around the house and recites a sugarcoated fairy tale about the Ark so sweetly and miraculously coming together but-” she elbows him in the ribs and he huffs “Yeah, he was…well he’s a shy kid and I’m glad that he’s taking that so well. He’s happy to be a part of it. Even if it’s just technically Ark’s annual propaganda.”

“You don’t believe the stations coming together was for the better?” she asks raising an eyebrow at him curiously and he shrugs.

“Maybe it was for the better for some of the stations. Not for ours anyway.” he doesn’t want to get into it too much, not here anyway where there are eyes and ears everywhere and he could get in trouble.

“Look! Here they come!” Clarke grabs him by the elbow again and nods at the entrance on the left. 

He takes a moment to look at her, spares a few precious seconds in which he finds her face radiating from the fact that his son is coming out on a stage for a recital. 

He does’t know what he did to deserve someone like that in his life, someone who’s as excited about his son coming up on that stage as he is, but he’s glad because he can tell how genuine in her joy and love for Gus Clarke is and he treasures that.

When he turns around indeed the kids are coming out of the door followed by four teachers on each side under the sound of the Ark’s hymn.

Gus and Darcy are the last ones, both of them carrying the Philippines flag in one hand between them while trying to stride in sync with the others. 

Gus looks amazing in his new clothes-the shirt fit him perfectly and Aurora had sewed in all the holes and it all basically looked almost brand new. 

Of course compared to the boys and girls from Alpha who were wearing a tuxedo and a really pretty princessy pink dress, Gus and Darcy looked like what these kids probably wore on a regular school day or even at home but still, Bellamy felt his chest expand with pride.

It had taken him all morning to trim and tame Gus’ curls and now with his hair cut a little shorter, his freckly cheeks shone through and his big eyes shimmered with enthusiasm and excitement.

“You cut his hair?” Clarke whispers “How did you manage that?” they both knew how much Gus loved his long curls even when some of the kids made fun of his  hair. 

He said all Greek heroes had long hair and they’re strong and help people so he wanted to be just like them. 

Aurora was rolling her eyes at this every time Gus gave that argument and scolded Bellamy for reading too much heroes stories to him to which he said 

“Mother, when I was his age, you read me The Iliad every day, so I don’t really see your point here.” which made Aurora throw her hands in the air helplessly and put the scissors back in the drawer.

“Well he almost cried until I promised I’ll let him cut mine after Unity Days.”

“Good luck with that!” Bellamy sighs but still smiles as he watches his son and Darcy walk together.

“Thanks, I’ll need it.” just as they are almost about to reach the middle, Darcy trips over her beautiful yellow dress and falls down on her knees, taking Gus staggering with her too.

“Oh, no!” Clarke exclaims “Poor girl.” Bellamy drops his hands to the side and bawls them in fists.

The rest of the kids keep going and since Gus and Darcy are the last ones they don’t see something has happened but he notices how some of the Alpha crowd laugh and talk loudly.

Bellamy wants to shove his fist in their faces.

But what calms him down is when he sees Gus raise himself up on his feet and carefully take Darcy’s arm, helping her up. 

Even from here they can see she’s crying, blushing harsh out of embarrassment and the teacher who was walking behind them joins in too trying to talk to them and usher them to join the others.

Whatever they’re saying, though, doesn’t make Darcy agree on keeping on until Gus stands before her and puts his tiny arms around her shoulders. 

He whispers something, gives her his tissue-one Bell had put in his jean’s back pocket in case of an accident and helps her dab her tears.

There’s a collective gasp from Factory when he does that, they even clap a little when he takes her hand, picks up the flag and pushes her to keep walking and Bellamy’s never been prouder in his life.

His eyes fill with tears and he’s so emotional that he lets them spill over his cheeks without caring to wipe them off.

Gus and Darcy join the other children and complete the circle. 

Darcy’s sniffling a little still here and there but Bellamy sees Gus holding her hand tightly and throwing her reassuring glances.

Her voice shakes a little when she says her lines but by the end it comes out strong and when Gus speaks up she’s looking at him the way Bellamy was looking at Clarke just a few minutes ago.

He’s surprised when he feels Clarke’s hand take his still balled in a fist hand and unclenching it, intertwining her fingers with his.

His heart beats out of his chest and for a moment he’s afraid to look at her.

When he does, he finds her staring ahead at the kids, smiling, her eyes as teary as his were.

“You’re a really good father, you know that right?” she finally says when the kids are done saying the story of the Ark coming together.

The teachers put them in a roll and vice-chancellor Kane comes by and squeezes their hands, gives them a bouquet of flowers, those tiny yellow ones that Gina always loved and that once Bellamy traded his entire week’s rations to give to her for their first date, and puts a red sash over their heads as a sign of their success and praise for their excellent work at school and their hard-work.

“He makes it easy.” Bellamy mumbles shyly upon Clarke’s look. “He’s a good boy.”

“Yes, he is.” Clarke agrees and meets his eyes “Just like his dad.”

Gus is beaming and finally looking at the Factory station crowd trying to find his dad. 

Bellamy raises his hand and waves at him proudly. Gus spots Clarke too and his wave gets even more energetic making her chuckle next to Bellamy.

“Maybe after we can go grab something from the mess hall?” she suggests when the ceremony ends and the kids are ushered back to the left door where they came from.

It was time for the chancellor’s speech.

“I’d like that very much.” Bellamy promises squeezing her hand back.

The lights go off again and they play the hymn once more when Chancellor Jaha makes his appearance from a door on the right. 

Bellamy knows he wouldn’t be able to focus on a word the guy says, not with Clarke’s hand still in his, his excitement and pride over Gus and their dinner with her later. 

Frankly, he can’t wait for the man’s speech to be over.

And then something catches his attention out of the corner of his eye.

The room is surrounded by guards, the event was always heavily policed for security reasons but there’s a guy on the right side of the door where the chancellor came off from that stands leaning a little to the left as if his leg is has been messed up, has big bulky arms and piercing blue eyes that shine angrily pinned to the center of the square.

A shiver runs down his spine.

He saw him at Kevin’s.

Were the Arrowheads really here? Did they see him and Clarke?

He untangles his fingers from Clarke and pulls his hand away.

And then it happens.

Just as Clarke’s turning to him, sensing that something’s wrong and opening her mouth to say his name, there’s a blast.

He feels the ground underneath him shake. 

It’s just so fast, so sudden it literally pulls him off of his feet but somehow he stays up. 

His instincts are to cover Clarke up so that’s what he does and when the second blast sends them off on the ground, he’s covering her with his body.

“Clarke!” he yells but it’s all too loud, too sudden, there are gunshots and another blast. 

He hears people scream and run, some walk over him and the crowd is so dense and panicked that he feels himself being kicked in every part of his body but he’s afraid to move at first.

There’s smoke everywhere, ruins, things falling and people crying out.

“Bellamy!” she speaks up and he finally moves a little only to find her curled up under him, her face white and covered in dust and a really big gash on her head, blood ticking down and covering her cheek red.

He must’ve not been fast enough.

She tries to sit up but she actually screams in agony and her hand moves over her wound.

“Shit! You’re hurt!” he can barely hear his own words, his ears are ringing and he feels his ribs protest when he tries to sit up. 

He takes her hand away and gets out a handkerchief he carried in his back pocket like Gus, wrapping it tightly around her head.

It bled too much.

Too fucking much and when he picked her face and looked into her eyes he found them glassy and disoriented.

This wasn’t good. She wasn’t fine, she needed help.

“What’s happening?” she manages slowly.

“I don’t know. But we have to move. I need to find Gus.” his son, that was his first thought-his son, he had to get to his son. 

The kids were taken away to the other room and he knew they were supposed to be brought back to the Hydra station day care while they waited for the ceremony to end so their parents could pick them up but what if there was a blast there too? 

What if he was hurt?

And he had to take Clarke to safety, find her a doctor.

He looks around and all he sees is white from the dust and smoke and black from the guards uniforms that are suddenly all too many.

“I have to-”

And then just as he’s almost up on his feet and he’s reaching out to help her stand another blast splits them. He loses her hand and feels himself being thrown off of his feet really hard this time.

He ends up lying on his back and for a moment there he loses consciousness. He doesn’t know for how long-it couldn’t have been more than a minute but then again it could’ve been more because when he opens his eyes he can’t hear well and he feels his side burning.

He hears bullets flying around, guards yelling and people crying and screaming.

Clarke, he thinks, he has to sit up, get to Clarke, take her the hell out of here and then find Gus.

He had to get to his son. He had to make sure he’s fine.

He tries to move up but there’s a horrible pain at the back of his head and down at his waist, it’s so strong he can not force himself to move.

He ends up falling back on the metal pieces and distinctly recognizes the smell of gas and smoke-there could be fires around. 

Maybe he’ll die just like Gina-wrapped in a blaze of fire, burning slowly and terribly until he couldn’t breathe anymore.

And then he remember’s Gus’ words from last week.

“I don’t want you to go to the stars with mama! I want you to hold me forever!”

He couldn’t do that to him.

He couldn’t die.

With a yell he raises himself to a sitting position and leans on his hands. 

The pain in his back is so strong that for a moment everything before him is black before the picture clears and he finally gets to take a look around.

The entire square was in ruins.

There were pieces of metal lying around, big holes in the floor and the walls, small fires in a few places and people….people lying around hurt and screaming and already dead everywhere around him-it’s like a graveyard of unburied bodies.

The only ones up were the guards some of whom were trying to stop the fires, others were dragging some people away with batons raised which made no sense to Bellamy, third were crouching down trying to help some of the wounded.

His eyes roam the place for Clarke and he finds her lying down just opposite of him but too far away or at least too far for him in his condition. 

She was no longer awake, she was laying down, her face was still covered in red, her eyes were closed and her white gown has almost turned black, covered in saw, dust and dirt.

“Clarke-” he croaks but even that effort sends him swinging and almost falling back on the ground.

He had to stand up. Or at least crawl. 

Maybe he could crawl? Maybe he could get to her and help her.

“Clarke!” he tried to use his hands to raise himself up but it only send another blinding bout of pain in his spine. 

What the fuck had happened to him? His fingers trail to his back and when he pulls them away he finds them covered in blood.

Shit. 

He puts them back on and feels something sharp sticking from his back on the left-maybe a piece of metal? Or glass? He didn’t know. He only knew it hurt like hell.

He looks up again, forces his eyes to open after undergoing the bout of staggering pain and sees a guard passing by him.

“Sir! Please-” he begs and the man stops to a halt, expression serious, determined. 

He looked like a young boy, no older than eighteen but Bellamy must’ve looked really desperate because he stops, drops his hands from the rifle across his chest and kneels.

 “Please, help!”

The guard crouches down and assess the damage coldly, checking the wound on his back which must be nasty because it makes him paler somewhat but when his hands roam to his chest and face he is serious and detached.

“You got some shrapnel in your back so you should lay on your side and wait for the medics to come. They’re on their way.” he announces and pushes Bellamy back down but he grabs his hand and squeezes it tightly.

“No! Not me-help her!” he points at Clarke who’s still lying motionless on the debris a few feet away from him “She has a bad wound on her head! She’s a doctor from Alpha, councilwoman Griffin’s daughter!” the soldier’s eyes widen at that information.

“Clarke Griffin?” Bellamy nods eagerly at that and the guard unclenches his hand from Bellamy’s tight grip ready to get to her.

But then his eyes settle back on Bellamy and he takes a slow and careful look at him.

He stops in his tracks.

“Which station are you from?” he asks, suspicion covering his face.

“Factory.” the soldier pulls out a tablet hanging from his belt and picks up a pen.

“Your name?”

“What does any of this matter? Go help her!”

“Your name?” the guard insists.

“Bellamy Blake.” he answers annoyed.

“Apartment complex?”

“171 GD.” Bellamy says through gritted teeth “I don’t get how this is relevant, I was just-”

“Sir!” the guard ignores him, dropping the tablet to his side and turning around at another group of guards who were holding a man down and cuffing his hands behind his back. One of them seemed to be the captain since he had more insignia on his sleeve and the Alpha station elite guard stamp on his helmet.

“I got another one over here!”

“What?” Bellamy asks confused when the guards  hand over the cuffed man to another soldier and come striding to him “What’s this about? Please! I was just-”

Before he knows what’s happening they’re grabbing him by the arms and raising him up. 

Apparently they don’t expect him to be so hurt that he can’t stand on his feet because he staggers and falls on his knees right away, gritting his teeth so as not to yell from the pain.

“What’s happening? I haven’t done anything wrong, please!”

“Are you from Factory?” the guard, clearly in charge, that the kid had called over, asks him. He’s older, maybe in his fifties, much bigger and stronger than the boy, his hair’s dark but his eyes are darker and they scare him. There’s not one drop of kindness or warmth in them.

“I am but-”

“Cuff him! Send him off to the mess hall first, then cell block D with the others.” he commands and Bellamy feels the guards pulls his arms behind his back.

“Please! I haven’t done anything! I came here for my son! He was in the recital!”

“Shut up!” there’s a blow to his cheek and his head falls to the side but he keeps struggling.

What was happening?

Why were they trying to cuff him?

“Why are you arresting me? I haven’t done anything! Please, I need to find my son!” he struggles against them so hard “I need to get to my son!” they were ignoring him, pushing him down, trying to overpower him and he was fighting with everything he had in him, trying to free himself. Their hands were strong against his arms and they were more but a father’s love was a powerful thing.

The boy and the main guard were ignoring him, talking between each other.

“It’s Clarke Griffin, sir, we need to get a medic right away.” he hears the boy say and as he keeps fighting the guards he manages to see them rushing to her and trying to shake her shoulder, bring her back. 

Her eyes open just barely but they command her not to move.

It’s all like a movie to him-a movie that goes before him in flashes. 

He doesn’t know what’s happening. He opens and closes his eyes and it’s as if the moments happening before him are the pages from one of Gus’ fairy tale books where the princess is walking in the forest one moment and meeting the scary witch who wants to hurt her in the next.

“Stop it, boy or you’ll make it worse for yourself!” one of the guards warns when he keeps struggling. He doesn’t know where he gets the strength to do so but he’s fighting with all that the has, screaming his son’s name.

“Gus! Gus! I need to get to my son! LET ME GO! LET ME GO! GUS!” he yells and they can’t pull his arms behind his back because he’s fighting them so hard. “I didn’t do anything! I haven’t- I was here just for my son! Let me go! I need to find him!”

And then they get too tired of him because he feels the shock baton pressed to his side and his knees collapse on the ground.

“Gus! I need to….please…let me go…I-”

“Dammit those Factory bastard are tough to tame!” he hears one of the guards say clearly annoyed with his behavior. 

When the shock baton doesn’t calm him down and he keeps trying to fight them they use their fists and boots to kick him from both sides until he’s pressed down on the ground. 

He feels one of them push his knee on his back and the other hold his head down to the side so he can’t move but he still sure as hell tries.

He is still trying to yell but his voice doesn’t come as strong as before. 

His body is tossing and trying to twist away from them with the same fever as before, though, as if he wasn’t wounded or thrown out in the air by a fucking bomb.

His eyes search for Clarke and he finds a medic by her side. 

They talk to her, try to keep her awake as the guards carefully secure her body and move her to a stretcher.

“Clarke-” he mumbles “Clarke!” her eyes fall on him but they’re so disoriented he’s not sure she recognizes him. 

There’s a flash of something there and she tries to reach her hand to him but the medic puts it back by her side and scolds her mildly just before they pick up the stretcher.

They’re literally a feet apart now. So close to each other and yet he’s being pushed down and getting cuffed and she was being taken away.

Her lips still move-

“Bell-” she chokes on but nobody pays attention to it. Her head is wrapped in a big bandage that’s still seeping blood and she looks so pale and small to him that it scares him.

“Clarke-”

“Will you stop it!” the guard yells and this time they take out their real batons and he feels someone hit his head. 

But it doesn’t stop there-he still tries to free himself so they hit everywhere-his face, his ribs, his legs, he feels something crack in his knee and he cries out-that’s the final straw-it’s just too much.

He is so blinded by the pain that his body goes slack for a moment allowing them to cuff him properly and raise him up on his feet supporting him on both sides.

“Move!” his knees buckle again, he can’t command his left leg to support his weight. 

His ribs ache and his eye throbs in pain. He tries to speak but only coughs up blood and almost falls back down.

“Please, I-”

“Shut up!” another baton in his side. He hears a rib crack.

They grab his arms and start dragging him away, they don’t even need him walking anymore, they’re just pulling him like a bag of potatoes.

“I need to find my son. I have to get to him.” he begs but they ignore him as they drag him away from the square that looks more like the battlefields in those old history movies he liked to watch sometimes at night when Gus was already asleep, to hallway that takes them to what seems to be a mess hall, probably Hydra’s judging by the station’s sign covering the door they pull him through.

They push him to a wall and tie his hand cuffs to a metal chain alongside ten other people. 

When he looks at them, he finds them dressed in jumpsuits, covered in grease. Factory too, then, he thinks. 

There was only one person that looked like he came from Farm, judging by the red bandana tied on his neck.

He tries fighting again then too but it only earns him another baton hit across the face that leaves him spitting blood and a few more kicks in the stomach and legs.

When they leave he finally takes a look around with his good eye since the other was already swollen shut. There were guards surrounding them everywhere-about ten guarding the doors and at least twenty more moving around the room where he could see other smaller groups of people being tied up together much like he did.

“What happened? Why are we here?” he asks the guy on his left. He had a blue jumpsuit which meant he worked the engine machines on the levels under his in Factory.

There was a bruise on his cheek as well and he seemed pissed off but somewhat calmer than Bellamy.

“There was a blast during the ceremony.”

“I know, I was there but-”

A woman, maybe in her late sixties with short white hair and pale blue eyes that wore his mother’s seamstress uniform chimed in from behind the guy.

“It was an attack, son” she says voice a little shaky “Someone tried to kill the chancellor and they’re pinning it on Factory”

“What? But why I don’t understand-”

“It’s probably those idiots the Arrowheads.” the first man says “Now all of us will suffer because of them.”

“They’re not idiots!” another guy, a kid actually, probably no older than sixteen from the end of their row perks up. “They’re fighting for what’s right!”

“They’re fucking terrorists! It’s one thing to lead a strike and a whole other to build bombs and kill people!”

“But I don’t get it, I haven’t done anything I was only there for my son!” Bellamy mumbles even more confused and tries to sit up “I need to find him!”

“Sit back down,boy unless you want those guards to start shooting at us!” the first man who’s tag on the jumper said Irvin pushes him back to the wall and gives him a hard look. 

“None of us want to be here but I guess they’ll lock us up and question us one by one looking for traitors and insiders.”

“But my son-”

“We heard the guards saying the children are safe. They were too far away from the blasts, they probably only heard something but they should be fine.” the woman assures him and he lets himself relax into the wall and breathe in.

Gus was safe.

Gus was safe. His son was fine.

At least he had to believe that he was.

Chapter 6

Notes:

A/N: Thank you for reading!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

As the hours passed by he let his mind calm down and think logically. 

His mom was thankfully working when the celebrations happened which meant she was safe back at Factory and if Gus was somewhere cooped up with the other kids until their parents came for them, then they’d contact her if they couldn’t reach him, so maybe she was already there. 

Maybe they were even home by now.

He doesn’t know how long they keep them there but as the minutes pass it gets significantly colder and all of the people tied up next to him start shaking.

“They’re freezing our asses on purpose!” the kid who had spoke in defense of the Arrowheads says as his teeth chattered.

Bellamy hurts everywhere and he keeps coughing every now and then, spitting blood. 

Because of his struggle against the guards and the shrapnel still stuck in his back he feels like every muscle in his body is on fire. 

He’s the worst out of the people around him that mostly have minor injuries like bruises and cuts, maybe a broken arm or leg and Irvin and the other woman who’s name turned out to be Betty and who knew his mom, fuss over him.

“You need a doctor-” Irvin utters when he turns around so that he can take a look at the wound on his back “You’re bleeding on the floor.”

“I’m fine.” Bellamy shakes his head, though he feels himself growing weaker.

“You’re pale as a sheet, Bellamy” Betty says with her shaky voice giving him a concerned motherly look.

“It’s nothing.” he utters but leans his head back on the wall and rests his eyes.

“Don’t you fall asleep on me, boy!” Irvin elbows him in the ribs which makes Bellamy squirm even harder from the pain there. 

He coughs hard and spits even more blood then before. 

“Damn it! Hey, you-” he yells at one of the guards patrolling near them “He needs a medic!”

“All medics are on sight of the attack.” the guard answers “And anyway you’ll be transferred soon.”

“He’s bleeding pretty bad, I’m not sure if he can last that long without help!” Irvin insists but the guard just huffs and ignores him, keeping up with his walk.

“It’s fine, Irvin-” Bellamy utters eye half opened “I don’t feel so bad.” the man just huffs in response but scoots closer to him, trying to support some of his weight so his body doesn’t feel so strained against the wall.

“Here, lay your head on my shoulder.” the man commands “Tell me about that son of yours.” Bellamy smiles.

“He’s three and a half…almost four and he’s…he’s the kindest boy ever.”

“He’s the one who helped the girl when they tripped over, right?” Bellamy nods “Definitely a gentleman.”

“Took it from his mom. She was the sweetest kindest soul.”

“Was?”

“Died in the Factory station fire two years ago.”

Bellamy feels Irvin’s body tense under his head.

“I lost my son then too.” Bellamy looks up at him. The man’s voice shakes but he keeps his eyes staring somewhere ahead “He was about your age.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry for your wife too.” Bellamy hums and feels his eyes droop again, his head lolling, the buzzing in his ears gets worse and he feels his heart trump too loudly in his chest.

Irvin says something but he starts succumbing to unconsciousness, losing track of time until he’s roughly pulled back to reality.

Before he knows what’s happening the guards are on both his sides, dragging him and the others to the exit.

“Irvin?” he looks around and finds the man behind him but he feels so week he can barely keep up with reality “What’s happening?”

“They’re taking us to the cells.“

“I-I, please I haven’t done anything” he tries telling the guards but all they do is just keep striding forward. 

He tries fighting them off but he’s so weak by that point that he just gives up and lets them drag him away. 

It takes him a moment to look around and at himself only to find that he’s covered in dust and dirt from head to toe and that his jumpsuit pant leg was heavy with something that he understands is blood from the wound on his back, but only after they push him inside a crowded cell.

Thankfully, Irvin and Betty are there too. They help him to one of the walls, put him in a sitting position and Irvin maneuvers him to his chest, wrapping his arms around his neck almost like Gus did when he was tired and wanted his dad to hold him, while Betty checked on the wound.

“I think it stopped bleeding somehow-” he hears her utter “But the shrapnel is stuck badly in him and I don’t think I should move it. Maybe that’s what keeps him from completely bleeding out.”

“I’m okay, just-”

“Will you stop saying that?” Irvin huffs annoyed while keeping his eyes on Bellamy’s back. He feels his fingers trail near the place and it sends a shock lash of pain in his body. “Dammit. Okay, maybe we should wrap it up somehow.”

Bellamy feels them move him from one side to the other but he barely registers anything. He feels too weak, too tired and the only thing he can think about are Gus and Clarke.

He didn’t give one damn about himself.

As long as they were fine.

Irvin and Betty wrap something around his waist and then help him down to the floor, laying him on his side. It’s then that he starts completely losing grip of what’s real and what not or how fast or slow the time passes.

He dreams of Gus being torn up to pieces by a bomb and Clarke dying in his arms, blood spilling everywhere on him. 

He wakes up screaming and he knows he’s not the only one-there are about thirty people in this cell and some of them are wounded as bad as he is, others are angry and trying to get out by gripping the bars and yelling or picking fights with others. 

He only vaguely registers it all.

He cries in his sleep and feels like he’s on fire. Betty tells him he’s got a fever and when the guards bring in two buckets of water, she manages to steal enough in a cup to help him drink and dab at his forehead with a dirty rag he doesn’t know where she gets from.

He is torn up by pain and constant shivers. Irvin often pulls his head to his lap and talks to him, tells him not to give up, that his son needs him and he has to survive.

He drifts in and out of consciousness and the last time he wakes up coughing and spitting blood and Irvin helps him sit up a little so he can breathe a little better.

“How long…have we been here?” Bellamy manages as he looks around. The cell seems a little less crowded than before and it makes him wonder why.

“Two days give or take as far as Betty and I can tell.” Bellamy looks around and when he doesn’t seen the older woman he furrows his eyebrow and gives Irvin a confused look “They took her in for questioning. Apparently they’re going alphabetically and I think you’re next.”

“Will they ever let us go?” he chokes on his dry throat and coughs again which makes Irvin hand him the last of the water in his metal can and help him take it.

“They’ve set a bail on us all but they only let people two or three at a time. We heard Factory’s on lock down and they only allow relatives to cross over to the Prison block one every few hours and only after having interrogated us.”

“Shit.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

“I need to get to my son. I have to know he’s fine.” just when he says that the cell door opens and two guards come striding in, rifles raised, expressions cold and stony.

“Bellamy Blake?” one of them reads from a clipboard and Bellamy raises himself up a little, trying to look as decent as he can even though he’s fucking wrecked.

“I’m here.”

He tries to stand up on his own but ends up falling back on his ass and hard. 

It’s so pathetic that the guards get impatient with him and grab him by the arms, hoisting him up. 

Irvin tries to tell them Bellamy’s hurt and needs a medic but the only thing he gets is a punch in the face and Bellamy begs him with just one look to stay down and not fight.

It wasn’t his battle anyway.

They drag him to a room where they cuff him to a metal table opposite of another guard who’s name is Shumway.

He’s very surprised to find vice-chancellor Kane observing the interrogation from the corner. The two guards that dragged him in remain by his side as if he could do something with his hands tied like this.

They start asking him basic questions first-to confirm his name, his station, his compartment, his mother and son’s names.

“Is my son alright?” Bellamy asks feeling his ears ringing very loudly again. 

He sways forward and one of the guards has to grab him by the shoulder and push him to the chair to keep him from falling.

“I ask the questions here, not you, mister Blake.” Shumway cuts him off “Where were you on the night of June 21st last week?” Bellamy’s hazy mind roams through his memories and he tries to figure out what they mean but he’s so tired and it hurts him too much, he can’t.

“Please…I just want to see my son.”

“Answer the question!” the guard on his left squeezes his shoulder and he bites back a groan.

“I don’t know-I…please, I’m hurt-”

“Were you at Kevin Garrett’s quarters?” Bellamy freezes, his one open eye widens and he feels the air stuck in his lungs.

Shit.

Did they know about his meeting with the Arrowheads? Were they going to think he was one of them?

“I went to fix his radiator.” he admits trying to keep his cool. His heart is beating too fast again, his vision blurs, the pain in his back gets stronger and he feels the bandage wrapped by Irvin and Betty soak with blood again.

Must be from all the movement, he thinks.

“Why?” Shumway asks and he opens his mouth to speak again but instead a coughing fit interrupts him and he spits blood on the table and doubles over.

“I-” he coughs again and sways to the left “I’m sorry I-”

“Why were you there?” Shumway insists, standing up and hovering over Bellamy. The guards both grab him by the shoulders and try to keep him steady.

“He sold me clothes…for my son…for Unity Days but I didn’t have enough rations to pay for them so he…he agreed to give them to me in exchange of fixing a few things at his place.” Shumway sits back and clears his throat as he scribbles something down in the file before him. 

“Please, I’ve only seen him a couple times before at the black market. What is this even about?” he coughs again and sways to the right.

He’s surprised when he sees vice-chancellor Kane approach them.

“Kevin Garrett admitted of being part of the criminal group the Arrowheads.” he announces and Bellamy shivers involuntarily “But he wouldn’t give up any of the members. We’re trying to figure out who’s who right now since they are responsible for the attack on the chancellor.” it’s his turn to lean on the table and hover over Bellamy. “You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?”

Bellamy shakes his head.

“I just want to see my son.” he croaks when another wave of pain overwhelms him “Please.”

“You’ll see your son when you answer all of our questions!” Shumway cuts him off.

Bellamy tries to speak up again but this time he can’t keep up with the pain that washes over him-the world goes black before his eyes and he feels himself falling off the chair and hitting the ground hard.

He loses himself to the darkness and the last thing he registers is strong hands on his arms and legs, picking him up and loud voices yelling orders.

 

---

 

He wakes up to cell doors opening, guards talking loudly, yelling threats at the prisoners and surprisingly… his mother’s voice and thinks that he’s hallucinating or having another nightmare.

“Yes, this is him, this is my son.” he hear her say and when his good eye manages to clear out the blur, he realizes he’s lying on the floor of their cell.

He tries to sit up and manages to get himself leaning on his elbow but the minute he does his head feels like splitting up and his vision goes black for a moment.

“Mom?” he croaks but it comes out so weak and barely audible that he doubts she even heard it. He feels hands on his back and someone pulling him up in a sitting position, resting his back on their chest.

“Hey, kid.” Bellamy looks up to find Irvin supporting his weight “Looks like you’re getting out.”

“What happened?” he asks confused feeling the pain return to his body now that he’s fully awake. 

He glances at the cell doors and finds his mom signing something on the guard’s tablet and throwing worried glances at him.

“You passed out during interrogation last night so they brought you back in. I tried to wake you but you were pretty bad.” he groans and tries to sit up on his own but ends up falling in Irvin’s arms all over again “I guess you were so messed up they contacted your mother and decided to let her pass through the stations today.”

“Before I died and they had to take the blame for it”, Bellamy thinks.

Finally, the guard opens up the door and strides in, grabbing him unceremoniously by the arm and hoisting him up. Bellamy groans loudly and the pain is so blinding it makes his eyes fill with tears.

“Will you take it easy, he’s hurt!” Irvin protests but the other guard who makes it in simply pushes him back to the wall and takes out his baton in warning. 

Bellamy notices that the cell is even emptier than it was yesterday, there was no sign of Betty and most of the people he was first cuffed in with at the mess hall.

“Bellamy!” his mom exclaims relieved when the guard takes him out and lets go of his arm, leaving him completely unstable and about to fall face down on the ground. 

His left leg wouldn’t support his weight at all and his ribs and head hut so much, he couldn’t draw a proper breath but his mom was quick on her feet, wrapping herself to his good side and supporting his weight.

“Mom” he mumbles back with a soft but weak smile. Her hand moves up to cup his cheek and she holds him tight, pushing his head to her shoulder in a brief hug.

“You’re okay.” she whispers “You’re alive.”

When she pulls away and holds his face in her hand she furrows her eyebrows as she takes him in but he doesn’t care about the way he looks right now at all or any of his wounds for that matter.

“Are you alright? Is Gus okay? Is he safe?”

“He’s fine. It took me some time to pick him up because they were slow on processing the requests but I got him home just a few hours after.” he sighs relieved and lets his head hang low for a moment.

His son was fine.

“He’s been crying non-stop ever since, though.” she adds and he looks up again meeting her worried eyes “He thinks you’re dead and I’m lying to him. He won’t believe me when I tell him you’re arrested. He says you’re in the stars with Gina and I can’t make him calm down.” Bellamy swallows hard and feels the tears slip from his good eye.

“He hasn’t eaten or slept those past few days. All he does is cry and beg me to take him outside to the starboard window bay so he can see you both.”

“We need to go home.” Bellamy says with determination and tries to walk on his own, move away from Aurora’s grip but all he ends up doing is lose his balance and almost fall again “I need to…I need to get to him.”

“First we’ll get you help.” she insists as she starts helping him walk slowly “There’s an improvised field hospital of sorts in Mekka’s mess hall just around the corner. They take a look at all released prisoners for free, I’ve already asked around.”

“Mom, I’m-”

“No,we’re going!” she shushes him off right away, it really was close, the Prison Block was actually attached to Mekka station so all they had to do is walk two wide yet narrow hallways to end up where they needed to but Bellamy was already at the last of his strength even though he just woke up and he wasn’t sure how far he could make it.

“I just want to see Gus.” he mumbles as she keeps dragging him down the hallway.

“And you will, but you’re badly hurt and I want them to check on you before we come home.”

“Mom-”

“Will you stop fighting me? You’re barely walking!” he huffs and mumbles something under his nose “What was that?”

“Nothing, nothing.” he utters grumpily but tries to do his best to follow her. 

Still, he can barely put any weight on his left leg-there’s a sharp pain whenever he tries to walk normally both in his back and knee that refuses to hold him so they need to stop every now and then.

Aurora gets significantly more and more worried the longer they keep walking. At first when she saw him she knew he was hurt but she never realized how bad it was and when she made him stop herself and took her face in his hands, checked the bruises then let her fingers slide to his ribs and back only to come up bloody in the same way his had when he first realize he’s severely hurt, she swallows hard.

“Just hold on, we’re almost there.” he doesn’t say anything and that’s how she knows he’s bad-he’s stopped fighting her, his face has gotten paler and he is limping so hard that his weight on her shoulders gets to be a bit too much and they almost both fall to the floor more than once.

She makes him talk whenever they stop, urges him to because she’s afraid that if she doesn’t, he may pass out-his right eye was swollen shut but considering the pain and dizziness she could read in his left one, she knew there was a big possibility he’d pass out like last night during his interrogation.

So she asks him about the blast, what happened, where he was and when she found out he was at the front watching Gus with Clarke by his side her heart clenches-that’s why it was so bad, apparently the bombs were planted in different places around the room but mostly closer to the chancellor’s stage. 

That’s why he got so hurt. That’s why he almost died.

“It was all the Arrowheads.” he mumbles quietly.

“That’s what everyone says too. Even the chancellor made an official statement confirming their existence once again and promising the people these terrorist will be found and floated.” Bellamy stops again and he’s so out of breath she’s afraid he’ll really black out. 

“Come on, we’re here.” she pushes him to keep going just when they reach the mess hall. 

There’s a short line of people waiting to be let in but Aurora hoped it won’t take them too long to get inside. She wasn’t sure how long Bellamy could keep standing.

“It was them. I…I saw them.”

“What?” she says confused and reaches out to swipe some of the sweat gathered on his forehead. 

He leans heavily on her, his left leg is completely useless and he’s been using her as a crutch this entire time but judging by the way he clenched his teeth the pain was really overwhelming.

“I saw one of them just before the blasts went off.” they come to a stop just before an older lady with what seems to be a broken arm that she was clutching to the side.

“How do you even know them?”

“Kevin….Garret…when I went by his house last Sunday-” Bellamy whispers not just because he doesn’t want anyone to hear him but also because he was too weak “They were there…they wanted to…recruit me.”

“What?” her mouth drops a little and Bellamy nods slowly. “Tell me you didn’t-”

“No, of course not! Send them to hell and came back home.” he turns his head to the side hiding himself in her shoulder just like he did when he was a kid “But…they wanted to know about Clarke.”

“God, Bellamy this is serious.”

“I know.”

“Kevin Garret was floated last night.” Bellamy’s face moves to meet her eyes and he widens his one opened eye. “When they were interrogation you, you didn’t-”

“No. They asked about him, knew I went to his place but nothing else.”

“Good. It needs to stay this way.” he nods “I mean it, Bellamy. They will do everything they need to to find all members and then float them as an example. The blast killed thirteen people, more than a hundred and fifty wounded and about that many arrested. The chancellor will want revenge.”

“I know, mom.” he huffs a little “And I guess we’ll pay the price.”

“Sure we will. The station’s on lock down. Curfew’s at seven and the rations are cut short as well as the electricity. They want to starve and freeze us out until they find the members.”

“How are the Factories working then?”

“They’re not, half of them are closed and the other half are understaffed. Too many people are hurt and wounded, they can’t work.”

“Damn it.”

“Day care’s closed until further notice.”

“That’s for the better, I don’t want Gus going to school right now anyway.”

“I agree. He’s too anxious and scared to anyway.” Bellamy’s heart clenches at the thought of his son being so afraid and thinking he lost his dad and he’s all alone in the world.

“Where’s he now?” the thought suddenly occurs to Bellamy and he hates that he’s so confused and delusional that he didn’t think to ask her earlier. 

If she was here taking care of him then Gus was alone, without his family.

“I left him with the Greens. Thought playing with Jordan may take his mind off things for a while. Harper was kind enough to take him in.”

“She always is. They’re good friends, good neigh-” Bellamy stops, the pain cutting him off shortly and he squeezes his mom’s tightly as he tries to overcome it.

Aurora curses and looks up, seeing the line only just barely moved but notices that there’s a nurse at the front talking to a big bulky guy with a bandage on his hand.

“We should…go…home, I can’t stand anymore-” Bellamy mumbles but Aurora ignores him and raises her hand trying to catch the nurse’s attention.

“Medic! I’m sorry, medic!” the woman looks at her and seems annoyed at first “Please, can you…can you please give us a moment?” the woman steps back from the line and ushers the first guy in before approaching them. 

Upon seeing Bellamy leaning so heavily over her, jumpsuit covered in blood and dust, his face a complete mess of bruises and cuts, she stops in her track.

“Oh, God, what happened to you?” she comes closer and lifts up his head assessing the damage there and quickly, expertly finding the bulge at the back of his head that frankly was the least of Bellamy’s problems.

“I’m sorry to call you like this-” Aurora apologizes seeing that clearly the medic’s from Alpha judging by the insignia on her sleeve “I just got my son released and he’s badly wounded.” she pulls away showing the nurse Bellamy’s back. “He can’t stand on his feet anymore I don’t know what to do.”

The nurse huffs as if annoyed but not at them, more like at the whole situation because when she takes off the stethoscope from her neck and presses it to Bellamy’s chest, she shakes her head even more angry but when she touches his cheek and flashes a light in his eye, she seems sad, pitiful even.

She takes an orange band from her pocket and ties it around Bellamy’s arm.

“Come on, go in, take a turn to the left and ask for doctor Jackson. I think he’s treating some less severe cases now but your son needs help right away. He already lost a lot of blood.”

“But the line-” Bellamy says hoarsely and the nurse shakes her head and points at the band she just tied.

“This lets you pass through. You got shrapnel stuck in your back, it needs to be taken out before it causes any more damage than it already has. Come on.” she pushes them away from the line and guides them down the door. 

Bellamy’s barely hanging on a thread when they make it inside and the smell of blood, antiseptic and desperation makes him shiver.

His mom holds onto him tight and he starts losing grip of reality. He’s so scared he’ll pass out again before she gets help that he wants to tell her to stop, just so he can catch his breath when another nurse appears.

She sees the orange band on his sleeve and grabs his other arm, throwing it over her shoulders and helping him to one of what seemed like the few free cots.

The place was packed-there were men and women screaming, even some children, doctors and medics, nurses and other staff rushing around helping whoever needed it. 

He even saw a few guards with a red cross on their sleeves which meant they mobilized absolutely all personnel.

“Here, come on, let’s put you down!” the nurse who’s much gentler and kinder than the first sits him with the help of his mom and he sways so hard he almost falls off until another hand grabs his shoulder and keeps him sitting.

“Easy there.” another voice, different from his mom or the nurse talks to him. 

It takes him a moment to blur out the face and when he does, it looks vaguely familiar but he’s so out of it he can’t place it right away. 

The doctor flashes a light in his eye and Bellamy groans, trying to move his head away-he’s in pain and annoyed and so tired, he just wants to go home to his son. 

“What’s your name?”

“Bellamy…Bellamy Blake.” something like confusion flashes in the doctor’s eyes and he picks up his chin, taking a look at the bruise on his face. 

When the light from the ceiling falls on his face, he finally seems to remember where he has seen the doctor but in the meantime his mom and the nurse are talking over them.

“He’s been hurt in the blast I…when I picked him up I didn’t know it was that bad.” Aurora says and the doctor gestures to the nurse.

“Help me take his jumper off. Carefully, alright?”

“Doctor…Jackson?” Bellamy mumbles when they’re taking off his clothes and moving away his shirt.

“You know me?”

“You’re Clarke Griffin’s…colleague.” Jackson’s eyes widen at that and he opens his mouth a little.

“I knew your name was familiar! You were the guy with the shoulder surgery!” Bellamy smiles and nods a little “How did you get yourself in that shape?”

“I was at the ceremony…with Clarke actually.”

“Wait-you’re the guy who covered her up when the blast happened?” Bellamy nods a little. “You’re the one who saved her life?”

“You did what?” his mom asks even more surprised and Bellamy shrugs.

“She still got hurt.” he swallows hard when Jackson touches the bruises on his ribs that make him hiss. 

Then he turns around and when he sees the wound on his back he grows serious.

“Put him down on his stomach and get me some moonshine and clean bandages!” he orders the nurse before putting in a clean pair of gloves and pushes Bellamy down. “Come on now, carefully, don’t move too much.” the minute Bellamy’s face hits the pillows he groans, feeling human for the first time in days but then the doctor listens to his lungs and his fingers pepper all over his back, his head, his spine all the way down to his leg where he feels his swollen knee. 

“What happened here?” he asks carefully feeling the knee.

“The guards…used their batons on me when I struggled.”

“Seems like your kneecap’s broken but we’ll need to roll you over later so I can get a better look.” he sounds angrier now and Bellamy can’t blame him. 

“You’ve been held like this for two days?” Bellamy nods and with the corner of his eye he sees the doctor clench his jaw.

Just then the nurse comes rushing back in with all of the supplies but then gets called by another doctor.

“Leave! You think you can help me keep him down while I take this out?” he asks Aurora and waits for her to nod before handing her a pair of gloves. 

She doesn’t have time to think or argue, not that she would-she’d do anything for her son.

“Help me lift him up a little.” the move him to the side and raise the upper part of his body only so Jackson can press the metal bottle of moonshine to his lips 

“Listen now, I don’t have any morphine left to spent unless someone’s dying, so the best I can do is give you this.” Bellamy nods not finding the strength to answer properly. 

“I assume you haven’t eaten anything in the past few days?”

“No.”

“Good, then this will work faster, come on, a few sips. It’ll hurt when I have to take the shrapnel out.” Bellamy drinks up as his mom holds his head in her hands and once he’s done they put him carefully back down and Jackson picks up a clean bandage, rolls it in a ball and puts it in his mouth. 

“You’ll scream but you need to stay as still as you can, okay? It’s stuck deep inside but I can’t tell how bad the nerve damage is without proper testing which we can’t have now, so the less you move, the better.” Bellamy nods and Jackson turns to Aurora. 

“Put your hands on his shoulders and keep him down, okay?”

It’s one of the hardest things she’s ever had to do. 

He’s indeed screaming and writhing from the pain, struggling, trying to get himself free of their grip but Jackson scolds him to keep down and once he removes the big piece he curses.

“Damn it! There are smaller ones, I need to dig deeper.” and that’s the real torture-it takes him a while to take every tiny piece out and Bellamy’s crying by the end and trying so hard to hold on and not move that it feels like this endless horrible pain that will never stop. 

Aurora’s had to watch him sick and hurt many times before, it came with being a parent-knowing that you gave your child not just life and happiness and good moments but also pain and suffering.

But this can’t compare to any of it. 

Not even after Gina’s death when Bellamy was so depressed and sad, when he was on the verge of dying out of dehydration and lack of sleep, was it ever like that.

She prays…hopes he passes out, but he doesn’t. 

Somehow he doesn’t. 

Maybe he’s afraid that if he does, he’ll completely give up.

Her eyes well with tear if just for a moment-she was good at being strong, good at helping him push forward even when there was nothing left, even when he’s lost everything and couldn’t see a way out. 

She was always there, always helping, shouldering the burden, giving him hope.

But there was nothing she could do now.

All she did was push him down while he cried out from the pain. 

Her child, her baby boy who she held in her hands and who wrapped his tiny hand around her finger the moment she first took him in.

It’s clearly not easy for the doctor either, he curses and gets frustrated because he can’t help Bellamy, can’t dull his pain. 

He seems relieved when he takes the last piece out but then there was a lot of blood too so he used almost half of the bandages the nurse brought to stop it before he could stitch it up.

Another nurse passes by and he asks her for two blood bags and an IV and thankfully she comes back rather fast when Jackson is already stitching Bellamy up.

Once they roll him over and the doctor attaches the bag and the IV to his arm, he’s barely conscious.

“Good job, kid, you did it-the worst is over.” he assures and Aurora runs her fingers through his messy dirty hair.

“Here, you can clean him up while I check his knee.” Jackson hands her a wet rag and she carefully dabs away the sweat and blood from his face. 

He barely flinches now, too overwhelmed and exhausted by it all.

The doctor has to tear off his sleeve that’s already been ruined anyway and when he does he finds his knee twice the size it should be which makes him curse again.

“Will he be alright?” Aurora asks while she keeps the wet rag over Bellamy’s forehead once she’s done cleaning him up, trying to bring him some peace. 

He nuzzles his face into her hand like a child looking for his mom’s warm embrace and she cups his cheek with the other, running her finger over the skin under his good eye.

“His kneecap is busted-I’ll wrap it over and put a brace on but I’ll try to get you a crutch as well.” he shakes his head as he picks up the bandages and starts securing the knee “I’m more worried about the nerve damage from the shrapnel-it stayed in him for two days, he bled a lot, moved too much, it dug deeper and caused more pressure.”

“Mom…can I…” Bellamy groans and his arm falls to his ribs.

“Don’t move, kid.” the doctor scolds but he shakes his head trying to get what he wants to say. “What is it?”

“Can I have some water?” Jackson gives Aurora a metal can filled with some stale and warm water but Bellamy drowns it right away and lets his head fall to the pillow. 

He seems a little bit better now but the pain is definitely still torturing him considering how he clenched his teeth and gripped the side of the cot with one hand.

Jackson uses the moment to pick up a needle from his white coat pocket and take off his booth, forgetting the knee bandage for a moment.

“I need you to tell me when you feel this, okay?” he shows him the needle and Bellamy manages a nod before the doctor starts pinching him up at his tight and carefully moving down. 

He has feeling up until the doctor reaches the place just above his knee when it gets spotty-he feels some of the pinches but not everything and when he gets to his foot, he has feeling in his first two toes but not in the last three. 

It’s bad around the ankle area and at the back of his leg too, more or less near the knee but not everywhere and when the doctor bends it for him despite the broken kneecap, he can’t feel everything, in fact…he can’t feel almost anything.

“What…what does this mean?” Bellamy’s voice is panicked, confused “Will I be able to walk?” Aurora has to put her hand on his chest and push him down because he’s trying to raise himself on his elbows.

“As I said, I can’t tell how bad the damage is without an x-ray and additional testing for which you need to be admitted in medbay.” he swallows hard before he continues.

“Unfortunately, I’m not allowed to get anyone from Factory to a hospital right now, not even the severe cases which are instead left here with us as their last hope.” 

Bellamy sighs and shakes his head, drawing his hand down his face. 

“I also can’t prescribe you any medication, painkillers or even mild anti-inflammation pills or syrups. I’m literally forbidden to do so.”

“Now that we know everything you can’t do, how about you answer his question?” Aurora says and it comes a little too cold even if she didn’t mean for it to be so “Will he be able to walk?”

“Yes, once your kneecap heals you’ll get better but clearly there’s severe nerve damage that from what I’ve seen will be permanent. You’d likely need a brace but I can’t tell without-” Jackson sighs and rubs his forehead tiredly. 

“Look, you may need surgery to improve or you may get some of the feeling back on your own. I really can’t make any prognosis now because I don’t have the means to threat you properly.”

“Well it’s good to know how expendable we are to the chancellor.” Bellamy laughs sadly as he lets his head fall back down to the pillow.

“You’ve been severely hurt and I will wrap you up as best as I can but you’ll need to rest and stay off this leg for a long while.” he turns to Aurora then. 

“I hear people talking that Arrow and Farm station are giving out some packages to those who need the most-some food, bandages, even basic medicine that would help you some.”

The doctor digs in his medical bag and comes up with two pieces of paper-one of which was orange as the band that the nurse wrapped around Bellamy’s arm and the other white. 

He uses Bellamy’s leg for support as he picks out his pen and starts writing down something while biting his lips in concentration. 

Then he picks up something that looks like a stamp and seals them in the bottom right corner but not before signing it up.

“Here-” he hands it to Aurora “Go to Farm’s school and show them this-they should give you at least a few bean cans and some bandages.” Aurora’s eyes fall on Bellamy who’s looking at her with tired eye and worry after the news they just received and Jackson can see clearly that she’s reluctant to leave her son. 

“Don’t worry, it’ll be at least two hours before the IVs and the blood bag are empty and I need to finish wrapping up his ribs and taking care of his more minor injuries. He won’t be alone.”

“Go, mom.” Bellamy urges her with a tight squeeze of her hand “It’s not like I’ll be going anywhere and Gus needs the food.” his son, of course even now when he was that hurt, he was thinking about his boy. 

Aurora shakes her head and cups his cheek before leaning down and kissing his forehead.

“You listen to the doctor and don’t be stubborn, alright?” Bellamy groans at that but gives her a light nod before she finally leaves, clutching the papers in her hand.

Once left alone, Jackson squeezes his shoulder in support before speaking up.

“I need to go grab some supplies before we’re done. Do you want me to get more moonshine?” Bellamy shakes his head.

“I don’t want to be drunk when I see my son again.” he says swallowing hard, obviously overcoming another painful wave “I can take it.”

Jackson wanted to tell him that in order to get better his body had to rest but clearly the guy was stubborn enough that he wouldn’t change his mind right now, so he leaves him for a quick supply run of bandages, antiseptic and more thread since the nurses are apparently too busy helping others to go fetch him anything and by the time he comes back, Bellamy’s forehead is sweaty and he’s panting in the cot, trying to catch his breath.

“Try to take deep breaths, alright?” Jackson instructs when he listens to his lungs again. 

He finds his heart beat to be too erratic but contributes it to the pain he’s in or at least hopes that it is that. 

“I know it hurts but if you don’t your lungs will inflame and you might end up with pneumonia.” Bellamy doesn’t say anything, he doesn’t have the strength to but when Jackson’s fingers carefully thread over his ribs, he finds that three of them are broken and the others are severely bruised and cracked.

“They did a number on you, kid.” he sighs sadly “Come on, you need to sit up so I can wrap them, can you do that?” Bellamy nods and with great effort, makes it up halfway. 

Now that he’s getting a blood transfusion some of the color is returning to his cheeks but the pain makes everything worse.

“Is Clarke-” he says when Jackson picks up the bandages and soaks them in cold water and something yellow that Bellamy doesn’t know the name of, before putting it on his side, making him flinch. 

“Is she alright?”

“She had a pretty bad concussion when they brought her in, some minor cuts and bruises as well but overall she was fine. I wanted to keep in for a few days so I could observe her condition but she wouldn’t have it.” Bellamy cracks a smile at that “Said she doesn’t want to take up an entire bed for herself when someone else needed it more.”

“Sounds like the princess.” Jackson raises an eyebrow at the nickname but Bellamy doesn’t mind him.

“She’s at home now, on bed rest. Her mom won’t let her out of her sight.”

“Good, that’s good.” Bellamy mumbles and flinches when Jackson’s hands tighten the bandage over his middle “She’s pretty stubborn. Someone has to force her…to take…care of herself.”

“Why do I get the feeling you’re not any different?” Bellamy gives him a cheeky boyish smirk just when Jackson’s done with the bandage before helping him back down and checking in the big budge at the back of his head and then his eye that was red inside, probably because they burst a vessel. 

“I went to see her after they discharged her when I had a short break. She still has headaches and is a bit unstable on her feet but I believe she’ll make a full recovery.”

Bellamy manages a low hum and Jackson catches him staring at the bucket of water on the floor longingly. Stupid idiot wouldn’t say he wants some so Jackson filled in the metal cup and helped him drink some again.

“She was asking about you, you know?”

“What?”

“Apparently she drove her father insane, begged her to help find you. Then when she found out I was working the field hospital she asked me if you came in.” Bellamy seems stunned at that, like he can’t believe someone would care enough about him to ask and wonder if he’s safe.

“She kept saying you saved her life, that you covered her up and if you haven’t, she would’ve been much worse.”

“I didn’t do anything.” Bellamy waves his hand dismissively.

“Forgive me, but judging by your condition-” Jackson’s eyes roam all over his wrecked body “You definitely did. Now I don’t know what your relationship’s like but she’d want to know how you are.”

“No!” Bellamy shakes his head stubbornly “Don’t tell her, please!”

“But-”

“I don’t want her to know I’m like this” Bellamy raises himself up on his elbows in a desperate attempt to fight the doctor “If she does, she’d want to come see me, try to help and Factory’s no place for her right now. It’s too dangerous.”

“I think it’s fair she knows at least that you’re alive.” Jackson persists though he sees Bellamy’s point. 

Factory was on lock down for a reason-it was dangerous there and even if it wasn’t Clarke still shouldn’t be walking the hallways on her own after the attack.

“I won’t risk her getting hurt again.” Bellamy utters shaking his head which makes him wince once more and Jackson curse under his nose that he can’t do much to help him ease his pain. 

When he’s done with the ribs he moves to his head but the best he can do is get him some ice for that awful bump on the head.

Bellamy starts dozing off again-in and out of consciousness. 

Jackson leaves, then comes back again and takes care of his knee, securing a brace made of old belts as a strap around it so he can at least use his leg somehow. 

By the time he comes back again, he brings in a crutch and his mom who comes empty handed. The IVs and blood bag are almost done and he’s trying to stubbornly raise himself up on his elbows.

“What happened?”

“When I went there the line was already pretty long and by the time I moved to the middle of it they’ve given all packages away.” she’s still clutching the papers Jackson gave them in one hand, now neatly folded to a smaller square.

“I’m sorry.” Jackson says when he helps Bellamy sit up. “I’m sorry I can’t do more for you, that I can’t admit you in medbay or at least let you stay here for a few days.”

“I’ll be fine.” Bellamy waves it off and Jackson has the suspicion that he’s not fully comprehending how serious his condition is. “Mom, we should get home, I need to see my son.” he tries standing up on his own but of course his leg gives out so Jackson and his mom steady him on both side and just this effort alone is enough to send him barely breathing.

“Is there anyone else to help you get home? A friend or-” he has no idea how they’ll make it all the way to Factory, knowing they’ll have to wait by the borders where security has gotten more strict and there were usually long queues of people waiting to get back to their home station.

“We can make it.” Bellamy cuts him off a little too harsh and that’s how Jackson knows that maybe in a way he offended them, made them think they’re too weak to get back home safely. 

It wasn’t about that-all he meant was that Bellamy needed help and his mom as strong as the woman was, had to carry half his weight there which Jackson was sure would proof to be a difficult task. 

Especially in the condition Bellamy was in.

“Bellamy!” Aurora scolds him as she helps him adjust the crutch under his other arm while shouldering his bad side with her body. “I’m sorry, he’s not usually that snappy.”

“It’s okay, I understand.” Jackson watches them take off and follows them to the door, instructing Bellamy on what not to do “Rest as much as you can, don’t stand up for too long and try to eat so you can gain some of your strength back.”

“Like that will happen.” Bellamy utters under his nose again and Jackson wants to slap himself-they probably got half a ration each since Factory’s shares were cut down as a punishment because of the attack and they just lost their last chance of getting a package from Farm. 

Aurora throws him an angry glare which only makes him roll his eye like a child.

“If the pain gets to be too bad or he develops a cough, you can come find me. I’ll be on call here for the next few days.”

“Thank you, doctor.” Aurora stops by the gates, giving Bellamy the chance to breathe a little. 

He was already struggling, sweat has gathered on his forehead and his breathing was shallow.

“Keep the band on.” he points at the orange band the nurse had put on Bellamy’s sleeve and he helps secure it again “If nothing, it’ll help you pass faster through the station borders.”

“The papers you gave me, they’re valid for two more days, right?”

“Yes, try to get to Farm early tomorrow, I’m sure they’ll have a package for you then.” Aurora nods and Jackson once again instructs Bellamy not to strain himself too much which she’s sure he won’t follow, before they keep walking.

He’s very slow on his feet, his leg is bad despite the strap and the crutch and his ribs must hurt a lot because he can’t take a proper breath and they have to stop every now and then.

The more they walk down the hallways, making their ways from Mekka, to Hydra so they could reach Factory, the more they see people like them-at least at first. 

Wounded women and men with bandages on their heads or slings on their arms, burns on their hands and legs or bruises on their faces. 

Most of them are wearing the Factory’s jumpsuits but Aurora recognized some young women from Arrow carrying their children in their arms, afraid to let them down to walk on their own, or even older couples and families from Farm station.

When the attack happened, nobody talked about the fact that the most wounded were from Factory since the bigger bomb was apparently placed on the right side of the stage where they had gathered. 

Alpha made a martyr of themselves with only fifteen wounded and one dead whilst Factory struggled, was cut off in rations and looked upon with frowning eyes.

That became even more apparent to Bellamy when they crossed over at Hydra.

There’s always been animosity between the more flourishing stations and the poorer ones but now as they passed through people from Hydra looked at them with anger and disgust, furrowing their eyebrows at them or uttering something like “Terrorist scums!” behind their backs. 

Bellamy hurt a lot so it was hard for him to go as fast. Aurora urged him to stop every now and then but he just wanted to get home.

When they arrived at the border there was a line and Aurora had to tell two guards that her son is hurt before finally a third one finally agreed to let them pass faster.

They still searched him through and through.

“Don’t you see that he’s hurt! He’s not carrying any weapons, he can barely stand on his feet!”

One of them, a younger boy gave her an apologizing look.

“I’m sorry, ma’am, those are our orders.”

“Don’t apologize to them!” the older guard scolded as he kept patting Bellamy’s torso, going a little bit too hard on his ribs which made Bellamy buckle in two.

“Please, I-” he tried explaining but he was out of breath and decided it’s better not to argue with them but instead let it over with.

“Sir, I think he’s too hurt to-” the younger boy tried again but the guy cut him off.

“Quiet, Ford! You let one of them slide and tomorrow you can wake up to another dozen people dead.”

Aurora felt Bellamy wanted to fight but she gripped his side in a silent message to stay quiet while they checked their ID cards. When they were done, finally, they were let go and both of them exhaled in relief.

They were home.

Or at least they thought so-the station was still heavily policed. There were at least four guards marching in every hallway and a few of them stopped them to ask where they live, asking for the IDs even though they’ve already been checked at the border.

“I want us to get Gus.” Bellamy utters when they approach their hallway.

“I’ll get him-you go home, try to clean yourself up, change your clothes. He shouldn’t see you like that.” Bellamy manages a nod “You think you can do it?”

“I got it, mom, it’s not that bad.” he lies but she still sends him off to their door and doesn’t leave until he’s safely back in.

It takes him everything to drag himself to the bathroom, he’s barely able to move his bad leg at all by that time. 

In addition, he even drops his crutch when he sits on the edge of the bath tub and tries to take his jumpsuit off.

It’s a struggle-he can’t shower fully, not with the stitches on his back and the bandages all over him but he manages to clean his upper body on the sink, dunks his head under the stream and washes his hair and face, scrubbing it clean even though his eye stung and he couldn’t for the life of him open it.

Everything hurt, he groaned at the tiniest of movements, his ribs protested whenever he took in a deeper breath making tears pickle at his eyes. 

He washes his arms as well as he can, soaps his under pits, he wants to shave too but his hands shake too badly so he gives it up.

When he gets rid of the rest of his dirty jumpsuit, he unties the brace off of his leg, tears up the bandages Jackson made there and pours enough later in the tub to clean himself up to the stitches on his back as best as he can, again, that proves to be so much that he almost falls on his ass when he tries to walk without the brace or the crutch.

It feels like heaven when he puts on his sweatpants and a clean shirt that has holes around the neck and sleeves, then he ties up the brace and lets the tears go when he drags himself to his bed, brushing them away with the back of his hand just when Gus and his mom make it back in.

They come in and when he looks up he finds his son wrapped up in his mom’s arms, hiding his head in the crook of her neck sobbing. 

Aurora throws Bellamy an apologetic look and shakes her head a little.

“Here, look, I’m not lying to you.” she says rubbing his back a little. Bellamy’s eyes fill with tears all over again and he wishes he can stand up and just run to him but when he tries to, the sharp pain in his back stops him and he ends up on the cot again.

Aurora raises her hand telling him to stop and just give Gus a minute.

“Come on, Gus, look up.”

“No, you lying!” he mumbles sadly as he keeps sobbing.

“Gus, son.” Bellamy finally finds the courage to speak up and when Gus turns his head around and sees him for a moment he’s completely quiet.

The surprise on his face makes Bellamy’s heart ache even more-his son was so sure his father was dead that nothing could convince him.

Then he jumps off his grandma’s embrace and runs to Bellamy, who opens his arms and spreads his legs, allowing him to jump into his lap.

“Dada!” he yells “Dada, dada!!” he hugs him so tight Bellamy feels his ribs ache and he coughs a little but never lets go of him.

They’re both crying by that point, Bellamy’s tears spilling down his face and Gus wetting his newly put shirt.

“Oh, Gus! I’m here, dad’s here! I’m so sorry, big boy.” he apologizes “Dada’s so sorry!” Gus weeps even wounder than before, almost hiccups and he holds him so tight Bellamy thinks he’ll never let go, not that he wanted him to-he’d keep him in his arms forever just like he promised. “I’m so sorry, son.”

Gus’ sobs turn into quiet hiccups before he looks up with his big beautiful brown eyes under the curls spread on his forehead. 

Bellamy’s heart aches so much when he sees him because the kid looks like he hadn’t sleep well, his face was somewhat thinner and looked exhausted-this shouldn’t be happening to him. 

He’s too young, Bellamy thinks as his heart breaks all over.

He peppers his face and head with kisses, hugs him tight until he starts quieting down.

“I thought I lost you.” he finally says as Bellamy brushes his tears away and kisses his forehead again “I thot you were gone, dada.”

“I’m here, I’m right here, it just took me a while to get back home, I’m so sorry.” Gus buries himself in his chest again and lets his dad rub his back soothingly, moving them both back and forth. 

“I’m so sorry, my boy, please forgive me.”

“I’m not mad, dada, Gus was just scawed. So scawed.”

“I know, it was scary for dad too. And for grandma.” he assures as he runs his hand through his curls “But now we’re all home.” Gus sobs a little bit more and when he finally calms down he gets sluggish in Bellamy’s embrace, probably because he’s been so stressed out in the past few days that he finally let himself breathe and relax.

“Mom, maybe you can make him some milk and tea?”

“We’re on the last formula box.” Aurora whispers quietly, worry painting her face all over. “And I don’t know when we can-”

“Did you get any rations for him today?”

“Just half a bowl of algae that he didn’t eat. Just like yesterday.”

“He hasn’t been eating?” Aurora bites her lips as she keeps watching Bellamy rock Gus who curls up on his chest like he did when he was a baby, fisting his shirt with his tiny hand and looking up at him.

“I’ve tried but he barely had anything.”

Bellamy bites his lips and takes a deep breath-he knows none of this is his mom’s fault but it gets him even more worried nonetheless.

He could read the same question he’s been having himself in her eyes “What would we do?”

He sighs and clenches his jaw for a moment before speaking up.

“Move the shoe’s drawer-” he says sternly and his mom gives him a confused look “There’s a metal board under that moves, open it up, I’ve saved some stuff there for emergencies.”

Aurora’s face falls-that was illegal, hoarding food and if there was ever an inspection they could be caught but still everyone in Factory did it if they had the chance, not that it was an every day opportunity for them to use extra ration points to get food. 

It was better for them to eat it anyway, if there was a surprise inspection and Bellamy was pretty sure that they’ll probably be one, they could find them and punish him by taking ration points that he didn’t even have anyway.

“I’ve been saving up some stuff in the past few weeks. I guess I had a hunch something bad was coming up.” Aurora’s eyes scream sadness but still, she goes to the shoes drawer, moves it away and opens up the small metal board.

“When did you have this made?”

“Carved it last year myself after Gus got sick. I’ve been putting some stuff here and there and using it for when things were really bad.”

She takes out a box of formula, a can of red beans, another one with corn, and two more with green beans that she knew Gus liked if mixed with carrots as well as one more with some stew and potatoes.

“Open up something and lets feed him.”

“You too.” Aurora insists when she grabs the beans and the stew, knowing Bellamy needed nutrition especially after what he’s been through-he wouldn’t fight her on that, not today.

If he’s honest he doesn’t plan on fighting her either-he feels for the first time in days, pretty hungry.

His mom gets on working around the stove, using the hot plate to warm things up, make formula and tea until at least they still had electricity and Bellamy makes her turn the radiator on to the highest point-the room was freezing with them being away for a few days since Gus had been sleeping at Aurora’s place while he was gone.

“Dada, what happened to you?” Gus asks after a while when he starts really calming down. 

Aurora brings in a cup of hot milk and tea and Bellamy moves them to the table so they can turn on the small projector they had and turn it on to the cartoon channel in hopes of distracting him. 

Tom and Jerry was on tonight, yet another long rerun with the cute young grey mouse that couldn’t speak well and those were usually Gus’ favorite but tonight his attention was all on his dad.

Bellamy hands him the cup and makes him drink which thankfully he eagerly does, even though he’s still slack in his arms and pretty much curled up like a baby.

“When the attack happened I was with Clarke so I tried to help her but then another bomb went off so we got separated.” he tries explaining as best as he can and Gus furrows his eyebrows as he sips from his drink.

“Is she alrait?”

“I think so, yes.”

“When can we see her, dada?”

“I don’t know, son. She hurt her head so she needs to get rest until she feels better.”

“And you got huwt in the attack?” Bellamy nods and watches as Gus’ eyes roam from him head to toe.

He moves up to his lap, puts the cup on the table and then his hands move to his face, cupping his dad’s cheek, tracing the big bruise on his eye that still has it forced shut.

“Can I see?” Bellamy nods and his fingers pepper over the bruise making Bellamy wince a little, then they move to his chest, pat over his heart until they reach the ribs when Bellamy tries to stifle a groan but he doesn’t do a good job and Gus pulls his shirt up and sees the bandages there.

“Dada?”

“I’m okay.” Bellamy pushes his shirt back down and leans down to kiss his forehead “Dad’s fine.”

Gus doesn’t seem convinced so his left hand moves over Bellamy’s leg and when he sees the brace there and his eyes follow the crutch that was perched up on the table he looks up at his dad with big brown eyes full of worry.

“What’s wrong, dada?” he asks tilting his head.

Bellamy’s always wanted to be honest with him, so he decides not to lie to him now either.

“Dad got shrapnel stuck in his back when the bombs went off.”

“What’s a shrapnil?”

“It’s…it’s like when a bomb goes off and little pieces of everything around you like the floor or the walls go into tiny pieces and can get stuck in you if you’re close to them.”

“How?”

“Well the bomb blasts off with great speed and power so it can throw you off your feet and hurt you.”

“Is this what happened to you?” his lips turn upside down and Bellamy starts questioning his honesty policy. “To doctow Clarke?”

“Yes, it was like that. So one of the pieces that the bomb destroyed got stuck in my back but the doctor took it out.”

“Is that why you weren’t home for two days?” Aurora glances from the stove where she’s stirring the small metal pot with the beans and corns on. It already smelled delicious.

Bellamy’s mouth watered for the first time since he was maybe a kid like Gus.

“Not exactly” he sighs and pulls Gus up back to his chest, letting him rest his back on his arm and put his legs on his lap. “Dad got arrested.”

“Why, did you do something bad, dada?”

“No…I-” he doesn’t know how to explain this part “They thought I could be involved in the attack or that I may be dangerous, I suppose.”

“But you weren’t” Gus looks at him with confusion just as Aurora brings in their warm bowls.

“No, I wasn’t.”

“Then why did they thought so?”

“Because…well because I am from Factory station.”

“Is that bad?”

“No, it’s just…”

“How about you eat some, huh, Gus? Here’s your favorite.” Aurora interrupts them trying to push in the bowl in Gus’ direction but he seems to be needing more answers so he ignores her.

“Is it wrong that we’re from Factory? Is it becawse we’re poor?” Bellamy’s heart shatters once more when he hears that, the genuine confusion in Gus’ eyes and at the same time him trying to understand this, wracking his tiny brain around the fact that something was just not right.

“Listen to me, Gus-” he starts carefully again, placing his hands on his shoulders “You’re not a bad person because you come from Factory, you’re not lesser than anyone else, you’re not small or insignificant. You’re a child, equal to every other one in the station-you’re just as smart, as bright, as important, okay?” he takes a deep breath before he continues. 

“We have less, that’s true, our lives are harder, but that just makes us stronger, more resilient and we work hard to get food on our table but there’s no shame in that, do you understand me?”

Gus nods a little but Bellamy can see he’s trying to process the words.

“The kids from Alpha at the Unity days, they had…better clothes than us.” he says “And when we took the tour around the station Alpha is…so different.” Bellamy winces a little at that, understanding Gus trying to find some logic in his words “But they look the same on the outside.”

"Exactly. It doesn’t matter what you wear but who you are.” Bellamy promises rubbing his back and pushing him to his chest as he picks up his bowl with beans and brings it to his lap, handing him the spoon which he doesn’t take, not right away. 

“Do you feel bad that you have worse clothes than them?”

“No!” he exlaims right away “It don’t matter.”

“It doesn’t matter.” Bellamy corrects him when he fills in his spoon and brings it to his mouth, deciding to feed him himself since the kid was too exhausted and wrapped up in his own thoughts anyway. 

“Dad has grease on his clothes and works hard, so does grandma Rory but we’re good.” Gus nods quietly as he takes in another spoon.

“Why do they think we’re bad then?”

“Because some of the people who organized the attack were from our station.” Bellamy explains patiently as he keeps feeding him. Gus goes slacker in his arms with every minute and he knows the kid won’t last long.

“But why did they do it?”

“I guess they thought this way they could get the chancellor’s attention and ask for things to get better in our station too…like in Alpha.”

“By huwting people?” Gus seems totally confused and Bellamy regrets ever indulging in that conversation “Isn’t that wong, dada?”

“Yes it is. Violence is the never the way, we’ve talked about it, remember? When you got angry at your friend George at school and pushed him down?”

“He was mean! He called me bad names!”

“True, but what did we say then?”

“That we should think first and act later. Tell an adult-you ow gwandma ow miss Karen.”

“Exactly, good boy!” Bellamy praises him as he rounds up the last spoons of the bowl and when Gus is done, he picks up some of his own stew and potatoes under his mom’s scrutinizing look and starts feeding him some. 

The kid was starving-demolishing everything with a speed faster than Bellamy had ever seen before.

“Bellamy-” Aurora warns him and he sighs.

“You open up another can, mom.” she turns around rolling her eyes at his behavior but doesn’t fight him.

“So why couldn’t those people tell the chancellor it’s been bad instead of huwt people?”

“I don’t know, son.” Bellamy cups his cheek for a moment, dropping the spoon in the bowl and taking the time to truly look down in his eyes “Don’t worry about that, alright? Things will get better again. Plus, we’re Blakes.”

“It’s hawd to keep us down!” Bellamy smiles and keeps feeding him. 

Soon enough he finishes his bowl and finally focuses on the cartoon on the TV but then he dozes off and Aurora insists on taking him to bed except she can’t.

He’s clutching his tiny fists around Bellamy’s shirt refusing to let him go, even in his sleep and it makes him smile.

He carefully maneuvers him and starts eating with one hand, wrapping Gus tightly up in the other and asking his mom for a blanket to cover his legs and middle.

Gus falls mouth open, drooling on his dad while Bellamy demolishes his red beans and corn as well as a second round of some mashed potatoes and carrots as much as he fights his mom on it. 

She insists and he doesn’t have the strength to fight her.

Aurora helps Bellamy getting back to bed with Gus still wrapped tightly around him and covers them up with two blankets. 

The radiators are already off but it’s somewhat warm in the room. Still, she decides she’ll be sticking around, knowing Bellamy can’t deal with a kid in the condition he’s in.

Even though he falls asleep the moment his head hits the pillow, she hears Bellamy wake up just a few hours later, moaning, trying to bite back the pain which he can’t do. 

She gets up and covers his forehead with a wet cloth, holds his hand with Gus wrapped tightly around him, unaware of his dad’s pain, yet nothing she does is helpful enough-he still writhes and struggles and his back hurts so much she helps him roll on his side.

He passes out early in the morning and even in his sleep his face twists in agony and tears stream down his head, mixing up with Gus’ sweet short curls.

She decides she can’t watch him like that, so she picks up the orange papers doctor Jackson gave her and heads out to Farm station again. 

Only this time she’s directed back to Arrow because there was another woman helping out there and she ends up stumbling upon Cassandra, the painting seller which she would say she could somewhat expect.

What she would’ve never thought of is seeing Clarke Griffin next to her, dressed in Farm station clothes with her hair tied back in a pony tail and a cap over her face, handing her boxes.

When their eyes meet, she gasps and she stops what she’s doing until her mouth stretches in a smile and tears roll down their eyes before they hug each other briefly.

The first thing Clarke asks when she pulls away is

“Is he alive?”

“He’s alive. Pretty hurt, though.” Clarke’s eyebrows furrow before a determined expression sets on her face.

“Take me to him.”

Chapter 7

Notes:

A/N: Thank you for reading! I'll try to catch up on here with what's posted on Tumblr so I can get a new chapter in!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Bellamy’s trying to raise himself up on his own but the best thing he manages is fall back down to the shitty mattress.

Gus is thankfully sleeping soundly next to him, unaware of his attempts. The kid was so exhausted after the events from the past few days that he dozed off like a candle last night, curled up next to him and wouldn’t wake up until early in the morning when they got him for breakfast, then he played some, showered with the help of his grandma and then climbed on the bed to supposedly play near his dad, but fell asleep again instead.

Now Bellamy wanted to get up on his own, maybe warm another can of beans for a late lunch but he couldn’t.

With every attempt, his ribs protested and his leg gave up on him like it was made of jello.

He just couldn’t and he was nearly crying out of pain and confusion and anger-he needed to get up, for his son.

“I can do it.” he mumbles to himself quietly. “I can…I can do it.” he grips the sides of the bed and tries moving up but almost falls face down-the pain in his ribs is so strong, he can’t take a proper breath and he has already started coughing.

He ended up like this again, only this time, like last night, he also coughed up some blood that ended up staining his shirt.

Shit.

He squeezed his eyes shut.

He could do it. His mom, she’d be back home soon and then have to leave for work so he had to be taking care of the kid, he had to feed him and help him out, he had to-

He tries standing up again this time using his crutch but all it ends up doing is letting it fall on the floor and falling back to his ass on the bed.

“Goddammit.” he curses and feels Gus stir a little next to him.

The kid thankfully doesn’t wake and when he turns around he finds him curled up on his own, the blanket tightly wrapped around him, nibbling on his thumb like he often did in his sleep.

Bellamy’s face falls, the anger dissipates and he reaches to gently run his hand over Gus’ head.

“I’m sorry, son.” he whispers as he leans down and kisses him briefly “I’m sorry I’m not enough.”

He grits his teeth as he turns his back to the kid again and tries moving once more. This time he makes it up somehow miraculously and grips the side of the bed with his hand while the other is cradling his broken ribs.

The effort causes him to cough and he spits blood on the floor.

Briefly he looks up at the ceiling and begs whatever force there was in the universe, to let him make it to the table that was just a few feet away.

And just when he almost attempts it, the door opens up and his mom strides in with another woman.

It takes him a moment to realize that it’s Clarke and she’s clearly as stunned to see him there, barely up, covered in blood from his own coughs so both she and his mom stop dead in their tracks.

“Clarke?” he asks tilting his head wondering if he completely lost his mind as is imagining her standing there, holding up a box, dressed in Farm station clothes, her hair pulled up in a tight braid with a red bandana hiding it away like most women from that station wore it.

He tries to take a step forward but forgets that he can’t freely do that anymore and both of them drop whatever they are carrying and rush in to catch him before he falls down.

They grab him just when his knees hit the ground.

“Bellamy, what the hell are you doing!” Aurora scolds him when they throw his arms over their shoulders and lift him up with effort.

When Clarke looks up at him, her eyebrows are furrowed in a worried brow and she immediately notices the little drops of sweat covering his forehead and his uneven breathing. As well as the blood on his shirt which scared her even more.

When Aurora explained what happened and how she had to get him out of prison, that he was hurt and they went to the field hospital, she assumed things were bad but she had not imagined it was this serious.

“Come on, let’s get him back to the bed.” Aurora nods at her and they carefully drag him back on the cot where he tilts dangerously to the left and they push him down gently.

“No…it hurts.” he mumbles when he lays on his back, struggling to breathe.

“Roll him to the side.” Aurora instructs again and they help him move so that he’s lying on his left side.

Clarke notices Gus sleeping in the opposite position behind him, thankfully still soundly, unaware of everything happening around him.

“Clarke?” he asks weakly again.

“I’m here.” she kneels on the floor and cups his cheek with her hand.

His face was a battlefield on it’s own-the eye pressed to the pillow was swollen shut by a red-purple bruise and his good one looked around in utter confusion.

“I’m here, Bellamy.”

“You shouldn’t be-” something like recognition flashes over his face for a brief moment and he seems scared “It’s dangerous.”

His mom is hovering somewhere behind her but his vision is so blurry he can barely make anything. He does see her hand Clarke something and soon enough a cold cloth is pressed to his forehead which makes him exhale.

And then cough again.

“Let me worry about that.” she cuts him off and he sees her doctor’s expression set in.

Her hand leaves his cheek and he almost wants to reach out and grab it, put it back on his face but instead her light touch grabs the hem of his shirt and moves it up.

He notices her expression change when she sees the bandages there.

“Bruised ribs?” she asks Aurora who’s unpacking one of the boxes on the floor near her, taking out bandages and a few bottles of liquid medicine he couldn’t recognize.

“Broken. Three of them.”

“And the shrapnel hit his back?” she moves her hand to the bandage on his lower waist and he squirms like he’s been shock lashed all over again “Sorry, I just want to check. Is that okay?” he’s never had any doctor ask him if it’s okay to see his wound or maybe potentially cause him pain.

It reminds him of the first time he met her at Gus’ appointment.

He manages a slow nod and braces himself for the pain.

Which is excruciating when she presses on the wound and tests the swollen flesh around it.

“We should make a cold compress, get the swelling down somewhat. It’ll help ease the nerves and the pain.”

“Don’t you worry, princess…we have plenty of cold water around here.” he manages through teeth as he tries to breathe in and out.

“The fact that you can joke around means you’re all faking it, Blake.” she tries to lighten the mood with a careful joke and when his lips stretch in a smile she knows she achieved her goal.

“You know me…a drama queen.”

“More like THE one and only in all the ark.”

“I’m flattered. Or should I be ….offended…considering I call you princess and you call me queen-do you find me older?”

“Well you are.”

“Just by a few years.”

“The pain in your back says otherwise, grandpa.” he chuckles again but this time it leads to another cough and this time the bout lasts longer and he curls up on himself, trying to hide his face in the pillow.

She grows back to being serious, waits for it to pass and him and Aurora help him take a few sips of water which he manages with great effort.

“I’m okay.”

“You’re not.” she cuts him off stubbornly when her hand moves down to his broken knee.

He wants to tell her to stop, that it hurts too much, that the bandage is tight enough as it is and having her hand there testing the bones makes him want to scream, but at the same time he knows she needs to do this-she was a doctor after all.

And maybe, just maybe, deep down in his heart, he hoped that it was more than that-that she had to assure herself for her own peace of mind that they were both really here, breathing the same air in the same room after they were blown off by a bomb.

He hides his face in his pillow and tries to undergo the pain while she checks everything and then she turns to his mom and tells her something, hands her one of the plastic medicine bottles filled with the same yellow liquid Jackson had used for the bandages yesterday and tells her to warm it up and douze the bandages in it.

“We don’t have any electricity now, I can’t boil water.” he hears his mom say and it makes him wince until he remembers something else and curses himself for putting his son at the back of his mind.

It was true that the only thing lighting the room was a meager stick lamp in the ceiling. That and the telekom always worked even if the electricity was off in case someone needed to make an emergency call.

His hand finds Gus’ tiny foot and determines that it’s neither too cold nor too warm, but he still uses his one good arm to throw over the blanket between them over him.

Until a pale small cold hand catches his wrist.

“What are you doing?”

“Gus…he’s…cold.” he manages and Clarke’s eyes fall on the bundle behind him.

Bellamy could feel him curled up near his middle, breathing soundly and Clarke adjusts the blanket, wrapping him up in it.

“Move him around and pull his back to mine. I’ll…I’ll warm him…I’ll warm him up.” he manages between breaths and Clarke and Aurora both want to fight him but still the princess obliges him and he feels his son’s back pressed to his a minute later.

“I need to rewrap his ribs and knee, figure out how to take down that fever.” she tells his mom.

“I can go to the Greens, use their gas plate to warm up the medicine for the bandages” Bellamy’s eyes tries to focus on his mom’s figure that’s standing tall with her arms crossed over her chest behind Clarke who’s still kneeling near him.

“But then I need to go to work and I…I don’t want to leave him alone.”

“Mom, I’ll be fine.”

“I’ll stay.” Clarke promises “For as long as I can. Until curfew.”

“No-” he shakes his head stubbornly as another cough interrupts him and he wraps his hand around his ribs, squeezing his eyes shut trying to undergo the wave of pain “No, it’s too dangerous…They haven’t caught the terrorists yet, you could end up…you could-”

“Will you stop it!” she loses her nerves for just a moment before seeing the worry and pain in his eye and taking in a deep breath.

Why was she so scared? Why was she so adamant on risking her own life to stay here with him and his son when she knew how dangerous it is?

His look fell on the white bandage crossing her forehead that was up until now mostly covered by her hair and the bandana.

Before he even realizes what he’s doing he reaches up and swipes his thumb over it gently.

Clarke sucks in a breath and when his look focuses on her and his hand slides down to cup her cheek, she feels her heart beat out of her chest and her cheeks flush.

“I don’t want you to die because of me.”

“I’m alive because of you!” she emphasizes moving her own hand up to wrap around his wrist and rub her fingers on the inside of his hand. “You saved me, Bellamy. Now let me save you.”

His eyes roll down as if he’s an embarrassed three year old like his son before he looks up again and focuses on her bandage once more.

“You’re hurt.” she laughs sadly at his ridiculousness and shakes her head a little but his hand remains on her face and she doesn’t want it to ever leave her.

“You do realize that out of the two of us, you’re the one who currently can’t get out of bed, right?”

“How will you go back? What if they stop you at the borders?” he kept worrying about her ignoring her comment about him.

It broke her heart.

Why was he such a stupid selfish idiot who always put everyone else first and himself last?

“I have a fake ID” she explains with a sigh, seeing that he won’t let it go “I’m in disguise, they’ll let me pass and even if they don’t and they arrest me, the moment they find out who they caught they’d call my mom and send a basket in apology for messing up.” he smiles a little a that. “That is, if she doesn’t have them fired on the spot.”

“Resident princess and all that.”

“That’s right.”

“What if the Arrowheads…what if-”

“Stop it!” it’s her turns to cup his cheek after gently removing his hand from her face and putting it back as much as she hated it “I’ll be fine. You’re the one who’s not okay right now.” she reminds him once more when he hides his face in the pillow for a brief moment as if trying to ignore her comments on his weakness because he was that stubborn.

“Let me help, okay?”

He mumbles something unintelligible then.

“What was that?”

He sighs and looks up with his one good eye.

“Okay.”

She nods determinedly before her hand leaves his cheek and he huffs a little in protest-a quiet sign that he likes having her there.

She doesn’t let him know she noticed it because he seems embarrassed enough to show her his weakness so she focuses on instructing Aurora instead.

When she leaves with the medicine and the bandages she focuses back on him.

She starts taking out all the things from the care package they brought and his eyes fall on the ten cans of beans, potatoes, corn and stew that she takes out.

Then there’s bread, which he’s had twice in his life as well as chocolate and three boxes of formula.

Bellamy has always hated charity but he can’t deny that his heart eased up when he saw all that.

And it was just the food-there were bandages, a bottle of moonshine and an extra thermo-blanket.

He guides her as to where she can put them and when she returns with the blanket it dawns on him.

“Is that a standard care package box?” she raises an eyebrow when she tucks it in around him and Gus who’s still sleeping back pressed to his dad’s.

“Yes.”

“You’re a horrible liar, princess.” he huffs but he doesn’t have the strength to fight her, not anymore-everything hurts him once again and he feels the beads of sweat covering his forehead.

She notices it and kneels back down next to him, taking out a small orange bottle from the pocket of her washed out blue pants and pops up the lid, taking out two pills from it.

“Come on, this will help.”

“What is it?”

“Painkillers. They gave it to me for my headache but it’ll work well enough for you too now.”

“No.” he pushes her hand away “No way! You need them.”

“I don’t. Not anymore. The dizziness is almost gone and my head barely hurts. I took them today to give some to anyone if they need when we were giving the packages.” he shakes his head stubbornly once more.

“You shouldn’t be this stupid. People rarely have access to this and you do. You need to take care of yourself.”

“I need to take care of you! Bellamy-” she rubs her forehead getting frustrated by his stubbornness all over again “Look, if you don’t take any medication your body can’t heal. You can’t put it in constant stress and hope that it’ll miraculously get better, it doesn’t work like that.” he peaks with one eye at her and he looks like Gus when he’s scared but also shy.

“You have to let it rest, you need to let yourself rest, alright?”

He doesn’t seem convinced at least not at first but she doesn’t wait for him to get to his senses. She slips an arm under his and helps him raise up, bringing the pills to his lips.

“You either take them now or we wait for your mom to come and help hold you down while I force them on you.”

“Bossy, princess.” he huffs “I’ll take half now and half tomorrow.” he takes one of them with shaky fingers and tries to split it in two but he’s so weak he can barely do that. “The other one is for you.”

“Bellamy-” she raises her voice just a bit ready to fight.

“I need to …be able to take care of Gus till mom comes home at least.” he cuts her off before she can give a good argument.

Still wanted to ask the obvious question that was-how? How was he supposed to take care of his child when he couldn’t even stand up right now?

But she didn’t want to do this to him, not now anyway.

She’d wait and help with Gus for as long as she could and by the time curfew came around his mom would be soon coming home too.

“Fine, half now but the other half you’ll need when you wake up in the middle of the night tossing and turning from the pain.” he looks at her like she doesn’t know what she’s talking about, like he can take on the weight of the Ark and carry it on his shoulders.

“Bellamy, you’re no Atlas…you can’t carry the world on your back.” she speaks her thoughts.

“So the princess knows her mythology then?”

“You’re not the only one with a passion for reading.” she provokes when she helps him take the pill. “You’re wrong, though-” he manages when his head falls back on the pillow after drowning a cup of water.

“I don’t need to carry the world…just my son.”

He breaks her heart with his words-this man would do anything for his kid.

Clarke loved her father dearly and she knew he’d sacrifice for her too, he has always been the one spoiling her, showing her his love all the time, letting her climb on his shoulders like Gus did Bellamy, answer to her every whim, every idea, even if it was an adventurous night out in the station after curfew when she was nine.

But she had never seen someone so devoted to being a parent-so caring, so patient with their child and mostly-so loving.

Bellamy had that same fatherly love as Jake but it extended to another level-his love came off of him in waves-selfless, but determined to drown you in warmth, in kindness, gentleness.

His touch, despite his rough calloused hands was feather-like and he always put everyone first before he even thought of himself IF he thought of himself at all.

Gus came first in that short list of people. Then Aurora. And herself? She didn’t know, but judging how he protected her in the blast, the way he worried about her even now, told her he must care.

She knew she did. Clarke wasn’t certain when it happened, when he and Gus sneaked into her own heart, under her own skin but they were there and she couldn’t shake them off.

“In order to do that, you need to get better.” she reminds him and he rolls his eyes like an annoyed five-year old.

She puts the other pill on the small nightstand by the bed.

“For tomorrow, okay?”

“You need it too.”

“I’m fine.”

“Careful, princess-you’re spending too much time around me, you’ve started stealing my lines.” he smirks.

“And what? You’re saying you’re a bad influence?”

“That I am.” he feels the bundle behind him move “The little bundle is waking up.” he utters throwing his head back trying to catch a glimpse at Gus.

His kid was a slow riser, he could wake up early in the morning but he’d roll around in bed for at least five, if not ten minutes before he made it out which usually got them late for day care.

He liked cuddling too much, wrapping himself in his dad, hiding under the blankets.

They had their morning routine where Bellamy would wake up first but wait for Gus to rise, letting him think he’s the one to wake up his dad.

He’d climb on his middle or his back-depending how Bellamy fell asleep and pat his shoulder “Waise and shine, dada! It’s a blait new day!”

Bellamy would crack an eye open, groan, pretend to yawn and Gus would giggle.

“Let me sleep, little monster.”

“No, dada, gotta wake up!” he pats him again and Bellamy opens his eyes, finding his messy curls sticking all over “Gotta go to work and Gus gotta go to day cawe and learn new things.”

“Hmmmm…let me think about it.” Bellamy would say and then pretend to fall again-close his eyes, start snoring lightly which would set Gus into another laughing fit.

Then he’d stand in the bed and pull the blankets.

“Come on, dada, come on!”

“I can’t…the Sleep king is pulling me down to his realm. Someone should save me or I’ll spend the day in this bed.” Gus would throw the blanket over his head and fall on his small butt “If only there was a brave night to-” he’d yawn for a dramatic pause “save me from his tight grip!”

Then Gus’d jump off the bed pick up a stick that he plaid both a rifle and a sword depending on the occasion and jab away at the empty blankets and pillows.

“Hewe, I’ll save you, dada! I’ll help!” and then Bellamy would play it around, as if he’s trying to get rid of the clutches of the monster that was in fact the sheets tangled between his legs that get free with the help of Gus who’s adorably huffing and puffing and then when he’s finally sitting his son would jump in his arms and hug him tight.

“My brave boy! My hero!” Bellamy would whisper and kiss his cheeks “Thank you for saving me.”

“Youw welcome, dada.” Gus would say “Now bweakfats!”

“Breakfast!”

“That’s what Gus said too.”

Bellamy smiles to himself, remembering the sweet moments they’ve had before everything went to hell. Before his kid thought he was dead and cried for two days, before he heard a terrorist attack happen, before he saw his father so hurt.

Now he’s slow to wake too, his tiny hand reaches out to find Bellamy’s back and pats it, as if to make sure he’s there.

“Dada?”

“I’m here, big boy.” Bellamy moves his own arm and throws it over him, rubbing his tummy over the blanket. “Wake up, there’s someone to see you.”

Gus moans a little, as if annoyed that he has to do this, but his curiosity must get the better of him because Bellamy hears him shuffling behind, move to his knees and rub at his eyes with his tiny fists, using Bellamy’s body to lean on.

“Dadaw?” he was the cutest when he was so sleepy, his voice so small and soft, his eyes big and bright but also a little drowsy.

“Look up, Gus.” Bellamy urges and when Gus’ hands fall from his face and he focuses on Clarke and the moment they do his mouth falls and his eyes widen.

“CLARKE!” he exclaims and easily finds his energy, hurrying to jump over his dad’s legs, not minding his bad one and throwing himself in her embrace. “Clarke! Clarke! Clarke!”

“Hey, sweet face!” she hugs him tight and he wraps his tiny arms around her neck burying his face in her shoulder and his legs around her middle. “Clarke’s missed you so much!”

“Gus miss you too!” he mumbles but doesn’t pull away. She runs her hand down his head and when he pulls away peppers his face with kisses from the forehead to the chin. He squirms but squeaks happily and then pats her cheeks with his tiny hands.

“Clarke!” he says her name again, he’s so excited to have her here that his face is beaming as much as it was crying when he saw his dad last night. Both of them from relief.

“Sweet boy.” she rubs her nose against his and moves them up on the cot, sitting next to Bellamy, who rolls on his back with a quiet groan and pulls away, giving them space.

The bed creaks under their weight-it hasn’t held a happy family like this in almost four years.

“You came to see me!”

“I did.”

“What am I-chopped liver?” Bellamy grunts pretending to be annoyed but Clarke can see the sheen of slight jealousy on his face at the sight of his son favoring someone other than him.

“What does that mean, dada?”

“Means someone’s being a jelly bean.” Clarke teases and Bellamy covers his eyes with his arm but she can see the pill is taking effect and he’s getting a little loopy. Good-his body needed to rest even if for a bit.

Gus doesn’t understand their grown up talk so he focuses back on Clarke and much like Bellamy, he moves his tiny hands up to the bandage on her head.

“Youw hurt.”

“I’m okay, it’s just a scratch.”

“It’s a really bad concussion and you should be home, in your bed.” Bellamy comments and she raises her eyebrow at him “Jackson was the one to threat me at the field hospital. He told me everything.”

“You gotta lay down?” Gus asks with worry looking between her and his dad “Come on then you can lay down next to dada and rest.”

“Gus,no-” Clarke protests when the kid starts tucking her sleeve and Bellamy smirks in all his half-drugged glory.

“Yes, princess, come lay your heavy head down. Just take off your crown first.”

“She don’t have a cwonw, dada” Gus says after taking a good look at Clarke’s head and then his finger points at the bandana “That a cwown?”

“Yes, Gus, the Farm station crown.” Bellamy jokes and Clarke doesn’t stop the urge to swat his good leg with her hand while Gus keeps tucking her.

“Come on, Clarke, it’s warm, I pwomise. Dada’s warm. He’s a fuwnace.”

“I’m fine, Gus.” Clarke tries again but the kid is relentless and has already pushed her lying half down. You had to admire his determination-he was as stubborn as Bellamy was when it came to helping other people.

“I was going to change up your dad’s bandages.” Gus stops at that, takes a look at his dad who’s laying down for once not writhing with pain, covered in white like a mummy all over and he seems to determine that everything’s okay and his dad has enough medical attention for the moment, so he keeps tugging her down.

“You a doctow, Clarke! You know when your head hurts, you lay down. You told me so!”

“My head doesn’t hurt, sweet face.”

“Yeaw it does. There was a biiiig bomb that went off and huwt you and dada and now you gotta west.” he talks like an adult-it’s both heartwarming and heartbreaking but he keeps pulling her down and she actually ends up falling on the pillow next to Bellamy.

He chuckles when he sees her surprised expression at Gus’ stubbornness and she would elbow him in the ribs if she wasn’t sure she’d break another one.

His breath fans her neck and tickles her but being like this, so close to him, makes her realize how bad he truly was.

When she turns her head around and looks at him she swallows down a gasp-how was it that the world was so different from above?

How was it it felt he had more color to his face, more light to his eyes when she was looking down on him?

It made her heart clench.

He was broken. They broke him.

“Dad’s fine, Gus.” Bellamy promises as if sensing Clarke’s thoughts and reaching to take his hand in his “And doctor Clarke needs to go back to her station soon, so maybe you can take all the time you can get and be with her since you can’t play with dad.”

“That’s right, Gus. What do you wanna do? You wanna draw?” she asks and he climbs on her legs, putting both of his on her sides and tapping his chin with his index finger, deep in thought “Play something?”

“Maybe you can feed him too, I don’t know if I can with…” he gestures at his leg wordlessly and she reaches out to take his hand and squeeze it.

A shiver runs down his spine.

A pleasant one now, though.

“I got it” is what she meant to say.

“I want a story!” Gus exclaims clapping his hands together happy that he figured it out.

Then, before Clarke or Bellamy could protest, he jumps off and rushes to the bedside drawer by his smaller cot that looked unused and grabbed a red book with what was once golden lettering before rushing back to them and climbing on the bed.

He puts the book on Clarke’s stomach and snuggles between the two of them. Bellamy rolls on his side once more, trying to ease the tension in his back and wraps an arm around Gus’ middle.

“Wead, Clarke!” he says, pushing the book in her hands.

“Gus, what do we say?”

“Pwease?” she smiles and runs a hand down his soft curls before picking up the book.

“Let’s see what we have here.” Gus exclaims a quiet Yey when she agrees to read and claps his hands once more before pushing his back to his dad, adjusting the pillow under his head and staring at Clarke.

When she looked at them it’s like she saw two identical little stars- one big and one smaller right under it-they both had the same hair, same skin tone, same freckles, only Gus’ eyes were a tad different brown to Bellamy’s, a little lighter, maybe mixed with some green, but even the way they pursed their lips in anticipation to her reading, was the same and made her want to chuckle.

“Anne of Greene Gables? I haven’t heard of that one!”

“It’s the best! Anne’s an orphan like me except she don’t have a dada to take cawe of her when her mama died and she gets adogted by these people.”

“Adopted, Gus.” Bellamy corrects him but she catches the sadness in his voice at Gus’ words. The lack of mom figure in his life created a hole he couldn’t fill.

“And she has adventuwes!” Gus keeps on not noticing his dad’s remarks “You’ll love it, I know you will!”

“Okay, let’s see-” she opens up and feels the kid radiate off excitement in the same way Bellamy’s love spread off of him like a quiet mist that settled all around you and calmed your heart.

“Do you need glasses like dada?” Gus asks suddenly remembering it when Clarke turns off the first few pages with the title sequence.

“Your dad uses glasses?” she cocks an eyebrow and Bellamy groans again.

“You two are working against me.”

“He does! He can’t see well when he needs to read.” Gus explains patiently moving up a little, ready to spring off the bed if he needs to fetch them.

“I got it, Gus, no glasses needed.” she throws a look at Bellamy “Some of us are still young.” he rolls his one opened eye at her but buries his bad bruised side of the face in the pillow and looks at her with interest.

Suddenly she feels a little nervous.

“Awkay!” he settles back down and moves up a little so that his head is resting just near Clarke’s shoulder but he’s afraid to move up out of shyness.

Bellamy’s arm remains tightly wrapped around his middle and he tugs at it, probably because he was cold, thus making Bellamy’s knees touch Clarke’s leg.

She feels her body get red from head to toe.

“Come on, stawt!” Gus pats her arm and urges her when her eyes linger too long on Bellamy’s.

“Gus, what did we talk about?”

“Oh, wrait!” Gus corrects himself “Can you pwease start, Clarke?”

“Okay, but first-” she looks down on him “Move up to my shoulder, get comfortable so you can see me read.” Gus seems very happy at that suggestion because though a little shy and maybe embarrassed he lifts his head up and rests it on Clarke’s shoulder, curling up diagonally between them, using his dad’s body heat to stay warm and Clarke’s arm as a pillow.

“That’s much better, isn’t it?” Gus lets out a quiet “Mwhm” peaks at his dad who smiles reassuringly at him and settles down on Clarke. “Now where are you, guys?” she opens up the book to where Bellamy had dog-eared it. It’s about just about nearing the middle.

“Why don’t you fill me in what happened last?”

“Well Anne went to school for da first time and all the kids made fun of hew becawse of hew fweckles. She got fweckles like me but her hair’s red.”

“Is that so?”

“Mwhm. And so othew kids were evil like some boys at daycawe made fun of my freckles. It was the same way, Clarke!” he explains passionately eyes bright and looking at her while Bellamy’s were sadder and resolved behind him, his hand rubbing his tummy soothingly and leaning over to kiss his tiny back in support.

“They made fun of you? Because of your freckles?”

“Yeaw! And Gus was sad too.” he keeps on raising himself up a little so he can explain better “Gus came home running too but dada told Gus that the freckles are a blessing-we just have the night sky painted on ouw faces. Right,dada?”

“That’s true, big boy.”

“So we got allll the staws. Dada has many on his back too but I onwy have on my shoudlers.”

“That’s very nice.” Gus turns to his dad briefly then and his tiny hand touches his cheek.

“We’re the big sky and tiny sky.” Bellamy kisses his fingers and strokes his head. “Wrait, dada?”

“Indeed. Tell Clarke the rest now.” and so Gus does, he’s so sweet when he talks in his sweet still maybe a little sleepy baby way.

He moves up and kneads Clarke’s shoulder like a cat playing with a pillow, making it comfy for him, adjusting her arm so that it’s nice enough for him to rest on.

When Clarke starts reading the story moves on to Anne going to her first picnic with the family that adopted her that are a brother and sister-Matthew and Marilla and Clarke soon realizes that Gus loves commenting and thinking over the words. He makes her stop a couple times. Asks his dad questions or even her.

“So, Diana she’s like a girl from Alpha-” he glances at Clarke “Waik doctow Clarke and Anne and the Cuthberts are from Factory like us?”

“Something like that Gus.”

“She don’t have a nice dress like all the other girls. She has poor clothes.”

“Yes, but that does not mean she’s any less a girl like them. She’s just as smart, as bright, as deserving.” Bellamy reminds him and Gus nods, rubbing the back of his head and urging Clarke to keep reading.

When Diana ends up telling off the girls who made fun of Anne and joining her in the forest to play with her, Gus is ecstatic, happy.

“Diana doesn’t cawe that Anne’s poor, right dada?”

“Right.” Bellamy was growing significantly more tired.

His eyes were drooping, she could see the pill was taking it’s effect and slowing his body down so it could rest but he tried his best to keep awake.

Then something else occurred to Gus just as Clarke was about to keep reading.

“Clarke, do you care that we’re poor?” Bellamy’s eyes widened at that suddenly not that sleepy for the moment anymore and he carefully looked up at Clarke who however wasn’t that surprised by the question.

“Not at all.” she assures, putting her hand on Gus’ head and pushing him closer to her chest, resting her chin on his head.

“So you’re like Diana?”

“Well a little older but otherwise…yes, I guess you could say that.” the kid was desperate to find some sort of understanding of his world, to make sense of everything around him and by using this book that seemed to relate a lot to his life, he was doing that.

His tiny brain was too young yet, too precious and innocent to fully grasp what any of the things happening around him even meant.

But he could recognize good from bad, rich from poor, that much Clarke knew and unfortunately in his life he’s had too much of the worst things from a young age.

Bellamy pulls closer to them and digs his face in Gus’ back while Clarke resumes her reading.

Gus seems to be deep in thought though listening but his dad is barely there and soon enough his only opened eye closes and his body relaxes into the harsh mattress that Clarke now realizes was probably causing a lot of the problems with his shoulder, and even starts quietly snoring.

It’s adorable and heartwarming to see him like this, but also painful at the same time. He hurt even in his sleep, his breath was hitched and shallow and he’d grunt or try to find a better position, wrapping his good hand around his hurt ribs.

He snuggles closer to his son, spooning him while Gus, who definitely wasn’t sleepy, was listening with interest to Clarke.

The chapter finishes with Diana and Anne making a vow in the woods and playing together which Gus seems to love, but still, he’s thinking hard over everything Clarke read, she can see it even after she dog-ears the book and puts it down.

“What’s on your mind, big boy?” she lifts up his chin, staring into his serious brown eyes.

He shrugs a little, as if caught off guard and just buries his head back under her chin, fisting her shirt with his tiny hand and wrapping his body like a monkey to her side.

Bellamy’s palm is still on his tummy so now it ends up pressed to Clarke’s ribs and she feels the warmth of it radiating through her paper thin farm-station plaid shirt.

She furrows her eyebrows and glances at Bellamy.

It shouldn’t be this warm.

But she pushes down the urge to reach out and feel his forehead because Gus’ stomach grows.

“Uh-ow.” he mumbles and looks down at his tummy in the cutest way possible. “Gus’ tummy is hungwy.”

“Let’s feed it then.” Clarke carefully peels off the blanket Gus tossed over her and Bellamy and the kid sits up in bed but takes a look at his dad first.

“What’s the time?” Gus asks all of a sudden.

“It’s just about six.”

“Then the stove will work.” he determines like a grown up who’s just had to make a big decision.

“You have electricity now?” Clarke’s heart sinks. If she knew it’d be just about an hour she could’ve asked Aurora not to rush to Bellamy’s friends for the bandages.

Then again, she really wanted to wrap his ribs right away and ease his pain which…didn’t end up happening.

She also didn’t think she’d be that long not that she cared-she liked being at their place and helping Bellamy was crucial.

But still if Aurora never came back with the bandages then it meant she either was unsuccessful in finding Bellamy’s friends and asking them for help or she left things with them and rushed for work, not affording the be late at the moment.

“Only in the stove. Then comes the water heater and last is the radiator.” Gus explains making Clarke almost wince. This is what it was for them-one thing at a time while her room was drowning in warmth back in Alpha even now when she wasn’t there “What about dada?” he adds with worry.

“You’ll help me warm his beans up and then we’ll wake him up. He could use the rest.”

“Awkay.” Gus agrees swiftly sliding under his dad’s strong embrace and jumping off the cot. He doesn’t leave before he carefully pulls the blanket back up to cover his dad.

Clarke only realizes how cold the room is when she’s out of the warm cocoon of the boys.

A shiver runs down her spine and she feels her teeth chatter but Gus seems unabashed, probably too used to it by now.

He was dressed in just a shirt and some sweatpants but Clarke found a sweater she forced him to put on as much as he was a little grumpy about it.

“So, what do you want to try out?” she asks helping Gus up the table where one of the boxes with the cans and other food and snacks was still opened but unpacked to the drawers.

She wasn’t sure they even had all the space for that much food.

Gus climbs up and stares down at it and for a moment his eyes widen and he looks like a child who just opened the biggest present.

“What’s that?” he asks pointing at a small package of a loaf of bread. Clarke’s heart clenches at the sight of him picking it up and staring at it with curiosity.

“It’s bread. Haven’t you tried it out?” Gus shakes his head and Clarke tries to keep her tears from spilling. At Alpha she got at least two slices with each meal and here Gus was, never having tasted it.

“Do you know what those are?”

“Looks like biscuits.”

“Yeah, except they’re sweet and have some chocolate in them.” Gus claps his hands at that.

“Chocolate! I love chocolate! Can I pwease have one aftew dinner?”

“Let me tell you what-if you eat your whole bowl of beans and two slices of bread I’ll let you eat three of those.” Gus agrees with an eager nod, then jumps off and rushes to the stove where he pushes a small chair that makes the most godawful noise in the universe that still somehow miraculously doesn’t wake Bellamy up, just so he could show Clarke where to put some of the boxes and cans and then point at the button that turned the stove off which Clarke was apparently…very inadequate at figuring out herself.

Gus seemed to love the idea of cooking. When Clarke pours two cans of red beans in the small pan, he hands her the spoon and goes.

“Stir, so they don’t glue to the pan!” and then “Up thewe, yeah, bottom wait, uh, wait, lemme climb on you-” he uses the chair to move to her waist and then expertly climbs to her neck where he throws both his tiny legs on each side of her head so he can reach the top right drawer where he pulls out a small bottle of something red.

“You awkway? Did I huwt you?” he asks when he starts sliding down, he was like a little bear climbing a tree or a monkey, reaching out for a branch with ease that Clarke had rarely seen in other children.

He used her limbs to move up and down as if on a ladder and she could only imagine how Bellamy’s strong body so easily supported all his climbing endeavors. She was a little weaker and smaller than him but it still worked fine, at least for Gus.

“No, I’m okay.”

“Awkway.” he slips back on his chair and peaks at the pan where the beans are about to start boiling. “Hewe, put a spoon of this.”

“What’s that?” she eyes it curiously picking the small bottle closer to her face so she can read a label only to realize there wasn’t one and that the only thing drawn on was a tomato and a pepper.

“It’s gwandma’s special sauce. It’s a lil chilly so dada only lets me put one spoon in my bowl but when I grow up I can have twee like him.”

“That’s nice, I’d love to try it.”

“Dada says it’d burn your tongue if you’re not an expert.”

“What does that mean?” Gus shrugs a little and makes Clarke chuckle but she takes his advice and puts a spoon in the pan. He guides her to where the salt and pepper were but only wants salt in his bowl, then makes her add corn cause he likes that and she insists on putting some meat from the stew can, just to boost his strength.

At some point she helps him sit up on the counter and stir while she takes the rest of the provisions she brought in the cabinets and drawers.

After, Gus shows her how to turn off the stove and she fills two bowls of the first meal she’s ever truly prepared and carries them to the table.

She’s a little reluctant to wake Bellamy right away, not sure if he’d even be able to join them on the table so she decides to put Gus in her lap, turn the old projector they had on, which was put on the cartoon channel and give him a few more minutes.

She noticed he stirred in his sleep, rolled on his back which upon causing him more pain, forced him to move to his side once more. His arm never left his ribs and he groaned and grunted more than once in between his quiet snores.

“How do you like the bread?” Clarke asks him when Gus is halfway done with his first bowl and has destroyed a slice of it.

“It’s…interesting. I laik it.” he determines and she smiles at him, running her fingers through his curls “Do you have it often? In Alpha?”

“Almost every day.”

“How do you eat it?”

“Well sometimes for breakfast I put some butter or cream cheese on it, make it a toast too if I have the time.”

“What’s toast?”

“It’s when you uh…I’m not sure how to explain it…” she struggled for a moment “When you bake it I guess? There’s a special thing for it, called a toaster.”

“And you can use it on your own?” Clarke almost laughs at that, in fact she does chuckle which only makes Gus tilt his head to the side and look at her in confusion. She probably made a lasting impression on the kid already at being a total disaster in the kitchen.

“We can say I manage…”

“Hm…maybe some day I can come see your apartment and you can show me your…todter?”

“Toaster. “ she gently corrects him “But yeah, I’d love that.” Gus hmms and keeps eating, thankfully very eagerly.

When he’s done, he’s a little reluctant to ask for more but Clarke can see it in his eyes that he’s hungry so she fills in one more bowl for him.

He doesn’t manage to finish it all and instead asks her if she wants some.

“I’m okay, Gus.” she declines when he turns around in her lap and holds on his tiny bowl with his little spoon. She can’t remember the last time she ate if she had to be completely honest. Maybe this morning when her mom called her to check on her again and reminded her she sent in a trey of food for her.

A whole trey.

Gus had never even had bread.

She cringed at her own privilege.

“No, you gotta eat! You huwt too like dada so you need strength!” for some reason, to emphasize on his words, he flexes his arm in an attempt to show her his tiny muscle. It was adorable.

“We can leave that for your dad, he’ll need it.”

“No, you eat!” Gus insists spooning some of the bowl’s content and lifting it up to her lips “It’s tawstee I promise.” then he furrows his eyebrows a little “Maybe not a toster tasty but good!” before she can protest, he uses the fact that her lips are already parted and shoves the spoon in her mouth.

Clarke’s funny surprised expression is what makes him giggle in that adorable childish way that warmed your heart to your core.

Her focus is entirely on Gus, they talk and in between feeding her Gus asks things like:

“What is it like being from Alpha?” or “Is the school there different?” and “Do children have classes I don’t have?” and so on and so on some of which Clarke struggles to answer.

How does she explain what does it mean to be from Alpha? She’s only realized how different things are for the stations since she became a medic and even then she never truly had the true grasp. Bellamy and Gus had showed her how horrible things were for Factory, how awful.

“Which was your favorite subject at school?” Gus moves onto other, thankfully easier questions.

“Biology but I also loved Anatomy.”

“What’s Atonamy?”

“It’s the science that studies the human body and all its parts.”

“Sounds rather dull if you’re asking me” Clarke’s head snaps up only to see Bellamy awake and struggling to sit up.

She sees the way he’s gripping his leg, how he’s wincing and biting his lips at the slight movement so she carefully slips Gus off her lap and rushes to him, helping him sit up.

“Goddamn it” he curses quietly under his nose so Gus doesn’t hear him. There are beads of sweat on his forehead again and she hates that he only got barely half an hour of sleep only to wake up drowning in pain again.

“I need to take a better look at that leg.” she says as she carefully covers his hand that’s gripping his thigh just above the knee.

He had taken off the brace and there was only a smaller bandage that has gotten loose around his knee because of all the tossing and turning.

“I’m-”

“Don’t you dare say it!” she cuts him off before he can utter his signature line and gently removes his hand to find the knee pretty badly swollen. She starts unwrapping the bandage but it’s too messed up.

“Can I hewp?” Gus asks, patting swiftly behind her and looking at his dad with worry.

“You can actually bring me the scissors.” Clarke asks politely and flashes him a small smile.

The kid runs back to the drawers and she hears him drag his tiny chair.

“How bad’s the pain?” she asks but he just shakes his head, refusing to answer her which makes her angry but just then Gus comes running back with the scissors that are wrapped in a cloth so no one can accidentally hurt themselves and she gets rid of the old bandage, gently prodding the flesh around his broken knee cap.

“You guys ate?” he asks instead as he leans on the cold wall behind him trying to get some support.

“We did! I taught Clarke how to make beans the special way, dada.”

“Good boy” he tries to reach out and ruffle his hair but his ribs end up protesting too much so he slips back to the wall and Gus climbs up on the cot instead, worrying his bottom lip at his dad.

“Dada, you awkay?”

“He’ll be fine, I just need to wrap his knee and ribs.”

“Mom never came back?” he asks when he glances at the clock above the door and notices the time. Clarke shakes her head and he just sighs like he never expected her to, like he knew she’d not be able to do everything in such little time anyway “You need to go-” he says through shallow breaths “Now.”

Just then there’s a knock on the door and the three of them shot up sitting, staring at it with fear.

Then something dawns on Bellamy like he recognizes the way it had been knocked and just when he’s about to try and stand up, Clarke hears a voice coming from the other side.

“Bellamy, it’s me, Monty!” Bellamy’s face relaxes and he glances at her.

“It’s okay, they’re the friends mom went to for the bandages.” Gus jumps off the cot suddenly enthusiastic for a reason unaware to Clarke and before she can catch up with him, he opens the door to a man dressed in much similar clothing like her, holding up a small steaming pot, accompanied by a boy that seemed to be about Gus’ age that was fisting his pant leg and looking around nervously.

Upon the kids noticing one another they let out a joyful yelp and ran towards each other arms wide, embracing themselves.

“Jordan!!!”

“Guuuuus!” honestly it was one of the sweetest things Clarke had ever seen. They immediately started chatting and Gus grabbed Jordan’s hand leading him to the table.

“Fifteen minutes, son! We’re almost at curfew!” the man warns but smiles warmly at the two friends. His eyes fall back on Clarke who’s still leaning on the door opened by Gus and then on Bellamy who’s very pathetically trying to raise himself up on his feet by using the bed board.

“Hey, Monty.” Bellamy nods in greeting as he gives Clarke a sign to let him in and close the door. The man carefully places the pot on the counter by the sink, away enough from the boys before he turns around and crosses his arms over his chest, a playful smile on his face.

“For a moment I thought I had the wrong place.” he glances at Clarke who feels her cheeks go red. “Unless you remarried without telling me which would be rude and make Harper kick your “ he mouths the word “ass” so the boys don’t hear him “maybe you should introduce us.”

“This is Clarke Griffin.” he gestures unable to stand up and get close to them but still trying to. “Clarke, my friend Monty from Farm station and his son Jordan who’s in Gus’ daycare.”

“Ahh, the doctor! I’ve heard so much about you!” Monty relaxes and takes her hand in his shaking it warmly.

“You have?”

“Both the Blakes haven’t stopped talking about you.” Bellamy clears his throat in embarrassment and when Clarke looks at him she finds his face as red as hers probably was. “Last I checked, though, you’re not from my station.”

“I’m in disguise. Came to help out deliver care packages when I saw Aurora who brought me here to check up on this one-” she gestures at Bellamy who grunts loudly and unhappily again, making Monty shake his head.

“Aurora told me all about it. How are you holding up?” Monty asks carefully.

“I’m fine, mom’s overreacting.” Monty just looks up at Clarke and raises an eyebrow.

“You going to tell me how he actually is?” Clarke smirked a little-she liked that guy, he was funny but also definitely a good friend.

He seemed to genuinely care about Bellamy and Gus and he wasn’t repulsed or scared of her though he clearly knew she belonged nowhere near their stations.

“He’s bad, he covered me up when the blast happened, saved my life.”

“It wasn’t like that.” Bellamy tries to protest but they both simultaneously wave him off which makes him grunt even louder.

He’s still struggling to raise himself up and Clarke has had it so she strides there and pushes him down, waving a warning finger in his face.

“Stop it! You don’t even have a brace on! There’s nothing your leg can use to lean on!” he stares at her finger and pouts.

“Really? You’re giving me the finger wave?Should I start calling you mom next?”

“Oh, God!” she throws her hands in the air and turns to Monty who’s not only smiling but eyeing them curiously. “Is he always like that?”

“Absolutely. Since he was seven years old when I first met him. But Aurora can give you more evidence on his early years.”

“Monty!”

“I’m not lying, Bellamy.” he pulls up a chair and approaches the cot, helping Clarke push him down by the shoulder. “What’s the matter? Your mom seemed very worried?”

“It’s nothing, just my leg.” he pats at his bad one and avoids meeting his friend’s eyes “Got shrapnel in the back, the guards broke my knee cap and ribs.”

“Your face ain’t for the Alpha station beauty contest either” Bellamy huffs at that and tries to swat his hand away but Monty just turns to Clarke “Will he be alright?”

“I can’t tell yet. He needs to be in medbay, get proper testing, x-rays, I-”

“None of that is happening so-”Bellamy grits his teeth “We make do. I’ll be fine.”

“I brought the bandages your mom gave me-” he looked at Clarke then “Soaked them in the medicine as you asked.”

“Good, maybe you can help me wrap them up?” Monty agrees and as much as Bellamy’s reluctant to let them baby him, he doesn’t really have a choice. They move his arms away and start wrapping his ribs while talking.

“So how long you’ve been a medic?”

“Almost three years now. I switches into working as a GP just recently, though but I still do surgeries when it’s needed.” she nods at Bellamy “That’s how I met this one.”

“This smells nasty.” Bellamy comments on the bandages dozed in yellow that had the distinct smell of something like a nice herbal tea and medicine.

“Not to be too rude, my friend, but you don’t smell particularly like flowers right now either.” Monty comments lightly but Clarke sees that it takes its toll on Bellamy.

“He can’t fully shower now, not with the stitches all over him. Maybe when I come tomorrow I can help you-”

“You’re not coming tomorrow.” he cuts her off as she ties the bandage around his ribs and moves to his knee.

She stands up and stubbornly crosses her arms over her chest.

“Yes, I am.”

“No, you’re not!”

“I am!”

“No!”

“Dada, what’s wrong?” Gus who has heard them raising their voices stops his play with Jordan and peaks from under the table where they seem to be consumed into a game only they knew the rules of.

“Nothing, big boy, it’s okay. Sorry that dad yelled.” Gus seems to determine his dad’s apology sincere enough because he resumes playing with Jordan, throwing a blanket over him and giggling while they rolled around and poked each other with what looked like plastic tubes wrapped in cloth that served as swords they couldn’t hurt each other with.

Then he turned back to Clarke.

“You’re not coming! It’s too dangerous.”

“Oh, so you can throw your body over mine and protect me from a bomb but I can’t cross a few borders and come give you a hand?”

“Yes!”

“That’s ridiculous, Bellamy! Are you even listening to yourself?” she throws her hands in the air frustrated but keeps her voice down “Maybe you’re the one who has a concussion!”

“Let me tell you, princess, I know exactly what the hell I’m talking about” he points at his bandages ribs and then at his swollen eye “This is not happening to you because you’re have a hero complex and are brave enough to play dress up and help the poor!” Clarke’s face falls at that and he clearly sees how much he hurt her.

Good.

She needed to be brought back to her senses.

“There was a terrorist attack on the chancellor done by people from my station. People who haven’t even been caught yet. Do you know how easily you could be abducted as soon as someone notices the patterns of you coming in and out of Factory? They have people everywhere-in the guards, the ID check systems, GoSci!” Clarke’s eyes widen at that and Monty listens to him quietly but it seems he agrees “It’s a suicide mission.”

“So was you saving my life.”

“You don’t need to repay a debt. I did what anyone else would.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it. Most of the people standing there would’ve gladly thrown me under harm’s way.”

“That doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does. It all matters. You being so hurt? Getting arrested and punished for things you didn’t do? That’s not goddamn right, Bellamy!”

“Don’t you think I know that, princess?” his voice is cold, chilling, it makes her freeze and drop her arms to the side of her body.

She overstepped. Once again.

“Look-” Monty intervenes clearing his throat upon noticing how tick with pain and sadness the air around them got. “Bellamy, you’re right, it is dangerous. I heard they’re doing random check ups on places trying to find the traitors.” Bellamy swallows hard at that but looks at her trying to say “See? I’m right.”

“But…if this is what Clarke truly wants to do, I don’t think you can stop her. She’s helping people in our stations and like it or not we definitely need it right now.” Bellamy’s head falls at that and he looks away from his friends, letting Monty’s word sink in for a moment.

He’s quiet while Clarke wraps his knee and Monty helps her out. When they’re about done Bellamy looks up at his friend while still gripping the bed board with everything he has in him as if his life depended on that little piece of metal that supported half his weight even in a sitting position.

“Monty, can you send her off to the border?”

“I’ll be-” she tries but he just gives her a look that suggests he won’t let her fight this one just like she did before when she cut him off about lying that he’s okay.

“Of course.” Monty promises, then glances at the boys under the table before looking back at Bellamy “Do you want me to take Gus for a few hours? Harper’s doing the night shift, they can play around while I work on my algae recipe.”

“Gus won’t leave. Not now.” Bellamy shakes his head avoiding Clarke’s look “He’s too scared. Spent the last two days crying thinking I’m dead.”

“He did?” Clarke’s voice comes out too high pitched but she can’t stop it. Bellamy just nods solemnly and looks back at Monty.

“Can you give us a moment please?”

“Sure. I’ll take the boys out in the hallway and wait for you to come, then I’ll send Gus back in.”

“Thank you, Monty.” Bellamy’s voice is weak and hoarse but still comes out gentle and kind “For everything.”

His friend reaches out to grip his shoulder.

“Hey, you know we’re always here for you and Gus. No matter what.” Bellamy manages a small nod before Monty talks the boys into getting out int he hallway which Gus is very reluctant to do but agrees once his dad sends him a look that everything’s fine.

Once alone, Bellamy reaches out for her hand with fever and determination Clarke had rarely seen in him.

“Please, don’t come tomorrow.” his eyes are big and full of unshed tears. Well, his one opened one at least. The other still refused to open up, remaining swollen painfully shut.

The sight makes her bite her bottom lip, unwillingly pull away from him and grab a clean rag from her bag that she wets at the sink with cold water, taking her time to squeeze it out.

“Bellamy…I have to.” she whispers back unwilling to fight him anymore as she comes back and gently presses the cloth to the bruised side of his face.

He leans into her as if her hand was made to fit his face perfectly.

“It’s too risky. You don’t know what they can do to you if they figure out who you are.” the way he says it makes her furrow her eyebrows in confusion.

“Do you know what they will do?” he swallows hard and tries to look away but she keeps his face steady in her hand.

“I don’t want to find out.” he puts his hand on her wrist and squeeze it gently “I’m begging you, Clarke.”

“Why do you care so much?” his eyes widen at that as if he’s appalled that she can even ask it.

“Why do you insist on coming over?”

“You’re avoiding my question.”

“So are you.” he reminds carefully “Maybe because the answer to them is the same for the both of us.” she looks into his eyes and sees a sea of softness, kindness but also so much pain and she swears that if she stays a minute longer she would probably drown in it but god, she couldn’t bear seeing him like this-so broken, so goddamn fucked up.

Because of her.

All because of her.

“Or maybe it’s not?” he says weakly when she doesn’t respond, sounding like a frightened little boy.

“It is.” she digs her nails in his cheek just a bit to ground him and herself back to this moment “I can’t lose anyone else.” he nods.

“Neither can I.”

“Which is why you won’t change my mind about coming over.” he sighs and this time his head falls in exasperation.

“You are really goddamn stubborn, princess, you know that, right?”

“Like you’re any different.” she smiles softly at him, her thumb brushing his good cheek while her other hand was still pressing on the swollen eye.

“Make sure you change routes. Don’t always come from Hydra or Farm, try Arrow too.” she nods accepting his advice gratefully, not that she hadn’t thought about that herself but she would allow him the small victory of thinking he can still save her even when it was beyond his control. “And please tell me you have more than one fake ID.”

“I do. I also change clothes between stations when I’m not in a hurry.”

“Good.”

“It’ll be fine.” she assures when she finally pulls her hand away from his face and places the now pretty much warm and no longer that wet rag on the nightstand.

“It’s not worth the risk.” he utters slowly.

I’m not worth it, he meant and she wanted to smack the back of his head.

“It is.”

With that she pushes him to lay back down and bids her goodbye after instructing him not to move too much and rest for as long as he can. When she leaves, Monty sends Gus back in and the kid closes the door behind him, rushing to the bed, climbing next to his dad and snuggling up next to him like if he doesn’t all the world will come crumbling under his little feet.

Chapter 8

Notes:

A/N: Thank you for reading!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Clarke’s sitting at the large family table, picking at her stew with green beans and potatoes when the light above them flickers and she hears her mom huff next to her.

“Yet again. Thelonious, I think it’s high time you did something about this. It’s the third night in a row.” she addresses the chancellor sitting directly opposite of her, Clarke and Jake. 

Next to him was his son Wells, Clarke’s beloved childhood best friend and his fiance Hannah who was as usually quietly obedient. 

On the other side of Jaha were the Kane’s-vice chancellor Marcus on the right and his wife Callie next to him.

Frankly, Clarke would give anything to be back at the Blakes and she has been cursing every living moment since her mom told her that her dad and her would still be hosting their usual Friday night dinner with their so-called friends that happened traditionally once a month.

Clarke hated those with burning passion.

And she was secretly hoping that her mom would either take under consideration the recent events of the attack or at least let her skip it if she faked a headache but unfortunately she had been caught right in action.

It had been just three days since she met Aurora and went to see Bellamy and she’s been sneaking out to Factory ever since. 

They had a whole game plan where once some of the guards started spotting her, Monty suggested she uses him and Jordan as a way to pass the station. 

They presented her as his dear friend who was passing through to leave her child (Jordan) with family (Monty’s) so she could go to work because the day cares were closed. 

So far it was working well enough. 

Nobody doubted she couldn’t be the mother considering the mixed marriages all over the station, that and Jordan was the quietest sweetest kid just like Gus but on top of that he was a great actor. 

Once Monty explained he had to pretend Clarke was his mom who he’ll so dearly miss when she leaves him in Factory with friends for the day, he’d get the saddest face, wrap his tiny arms around her neck and utter quite pleads at her not to let him go.

It was so good that it even made Gus a little jealous of his friend. And Bellamy, as Clarke came to later find out too but for other reasons.

The more she came by to help not just him but some of the women from Arrow hand care packages, the more it became known in the station that there was a medic who’d consult and check you up for free. 

It was through whispers passed from one to another but it all started when this woman who came to get a package for her family almost passed out in Clarke’s hands out of a cut in her arm that was left untreated and threatened to poison her blood. She had a little girl, just a year older than Gus who hugged Clarke for five minutes after she was done bandaging her mother.

And so it became a universal secret. 

She’d go to change Bellamy’s bandages after finishing with the care package queues and someone would knock on their door-usually Monty, who was bringing a patient in or wanted to take her out to another apartment.

Clarke was doing everything she could and the more she got to help, the more she also got to better understand and know these people.

They have all suffered so much because of this attack. 

More than half of the station’s working force had at least one injury as a result of it. 

Of course most cases weren’t as severe. Frankly, the worst she’s seen was Bellamy and one more man who was older and who unfortunately she couldn’t help. 

He’s gotten blood poisoning before she could do anything to help but his wife, a women in her sixties still thanked her, held her hand between her calloused ones and gave her a small tube of miracle rub that Clarke tried to refuse.

“Please, dear. Take it.” she had said voice shaky “My Harold can’t use it anymore and you can help others with it.” Clarke had given her a small hug and apologized once more that she couldn’t do anything else. 

She wished that at least she had medicine to dull the man’s pain but she was as empty-handed as she had been the first time she came to see Bellamy.

The worst of the Factory’s cases were either dead or still in the field hospital with Jackson in the process of dying. 

They had suffered losses way beyond anyone’s expectations and yet nobody knew about it.

Clarke’s eyes darted to the chancellor who was sipping wine from his glass and cutting a big portion of his fried chicken.

And her hand bawled in a fist around her fork.

She had started running out of bandages today-her medbag was more or less empty of supplies so she had started cutting up old shirts or dresses she won’t use, boiling them in hot water and with the help of Monty, using her ration points to buy as much moonshine as she could to treat Factory people’s wounds.

Bellamy, of course, had been very much against this.

“You’re putting yourself out in unnecessary risk.” he was mumbling while his hand ran through Gus’ curls as the kid drew on the bed near him. 

Bellamy hadn’t gotten any better and frankly she was feeling a little bad for ignoring him in expense of helping everyone else but he was pretending like everything’s fine.

She knew it wasn’t.

He could barely stand on his feet, his ribs still hurt and his eye though it had started opening up, was bloodshot red which meant there was probably tissue or possibly at least some damage to his sight.

The problem was that he was in constant pain and on top of it, it seemed his cough was worsening. Because of his ribs he couldn’t take a proper breath and his lungs were getting infected. If it kept going like this, it’d turn into a full blown pneumonia.

Which is why she needed cough syrup. And painkillers. He had to sleep and she was sure he wasn’t getting more than a few hours a night.

That was yet another reason why she agreed to coming to this dinner tonight-she knew her mother had some of the things she needed in the bathroom cabinet above the sink.

“I know what I’m doing, Bellamy.” she had assured as she grabbed the hem of his shirt and started pulling it up. He took her wrist and put her actions to a halt.

“No, you don’t.” he was struggling to pull air in and out so he took a minute to gather his strength “The guards are making random check ups and they could end up at our door any minute. What happens then? They would punish you for going against the law! Or worse, if the Arrowheads-”

“They caught some of them Bellamy.”

“Three out of thirteen! If they-”

She squeezes his hand.

“Will you stop worrying?”

“No.” she shakes her head at that.

“Great! Well now that we have this settled, let me change the bandage on your ribs.”

“No.”

“Bellamy-”

“No, I mean, first him.” he nods at Gus who is still unaware of their conversation, consumed by the drawing he was working on, tongue out, hand stubbornly coloring the roof of what seemed like a really nice house.

“What’s wrong?” her heart sinks. 

She hadn’t seen any cuts or bruises on him when she had come by and last night he climbed up in her lap and let her help him eat like that first evening together. 

He was a little more quiet than usually but she had been too tired herself to prod and ask if something’s not okay.

“He’s been waking up from nightmares, screaming, clenching my shirt with his fists, crying and begging me not to go.” he explains swallowing hard and closing his eyes for a moment “He won’t fall again after. I’ve tried everything-talking to him, reading, even singing but-” Clarke almost smiled at that, trying to picture Bellamy humming a quiet lullaby to his son. 

“He usually cries for an hour and then when the terror passes he asks me to draw or turn the cartoons on and he’s energetic but he hasn’t been eating much at breakfast or at all again and I-”

“He’s stressed out. Anxious.” Clarke concludes and Bellamy nods.

“I guess so.”

“Has he been trembling?”

“Yeah…sweating too, tossing and turning.” he sighs looking at him for a moment “I..I’m sorry I know it’s not the worst case you’ve seen going around but I’d really appreciate it if you could take a look at him.” she had no heart to tell him that he’s the worst case she’s seen in Factory minus the dying old man with the blood poisoning but she doesn’t have the heart to take any more of whatever remaining hope he had left for himself and his family.

“Of course I would, Bellamy.” she puts her hand on his good knee and squeezes it. “You guys are my friends.”

“You saying we’re privileged?” he jokes with a light smile and she shrugs.

“I’d put you first, no matter what.”

“That’s dangerous thinking, Clarke.”

“So is covering someone with your body when a terrorist attack happens, Bellamy.”

“You always need to have the last word, don’t you, princess?” he smirks shaking his head lightly “Your mother must’ve had the hardest time raising such a stubborn kid.”

“True but my dad is the one encouraging my adventurous spirits so here we are.” she turns her attention to Gus and carefully puts her hand on his tiny back “Hey, Gus, can you come over?”

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, I just want to take a look at you. I never gave you a check up after the attacks so I want to do it now.” Gus craws to them sitting up next to his dad, his legs bouncing off the cot in way too nervous of a fashion for a kid that’s just energetic.

It makes her furrow her eyebrows.

“But I’m fine, doctow Clarke.” she raises an eyebrow like Bellamy saying “Like father, like son.”

“Do it for my own peace of mind. Otherwise I’ll worry over you when I go to bed at night. You wouldn’t want that now, would you?” 

Thankfully she knew just the right thing to use on the Blakes-their own selflessness. They’d never let anyone else get hurt on their expense.

“No, Gus don’t want that.” 

He shakes his head and picks up the zipper of his sweater starting to take it off like a good patient unlike his dad in that department who’d refuse to cooperate until he was bleeding out on the floor probably until his last dying breath and still claim that “It’s just a scratch, I don’t need stitches”

She helps him with his t-shirt and takes out her stethosope, listening to his heart and lungs carefully.

“Now I hear you’re not sleeping well, is that so?” Gus just shrugs, looks up at his dad like they had some agreement between them not to tell her and was just betrayed, his little stubborn pout making an appearance.

“I had to, Gus.” Bellamy’s words confirm her suspicions as he slides a hand over his head “I worry, son. I’m sorry.” Gus just hangs his head low without saying anything and Clarke has to pick it back up to flash a light in his eyes that are surrounded by smaller than his dad’s but still significant dark circles.

The kid was exhausted-his eyes were barely opened.

Yet he couldn’t sleep.

“Put your hands out for me will you?” he does and she notices that they shake a little too much, she grips them with her own and steadies them.

“Why can’t you sleep, Gus?” she decides to ask him the questions, not Bellamy. 

It’s not like he knew everything, he couldn’t be in the kid’s head plus she felt like it was much needed that he talked to someone, opened up.

He doesn’t say anything at first shyly ducking his head again.

“Gus, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” she assures squeezing his knees “I’ll never judge your or make fun of you and we both know your dad will understand you and be by your side, always.” that must give the kid some courage because he at least starts talking.

“I have bad dweams.”

“About what?” Clarke sees that Bellamy opens his mouth to ask the same thing but she raises her hand at him, letting him know she’s got this.

“That dada dies. Thew’s blood everywhere and then…and then Gus tries to cover up wounds but it bleeds and then I-” tears start streaming down his face and Bellamy has to force himself not to cry or reach out and she can clearly see that but she’s glad he doesn’t move right away-he needs to let it all out before they console him. 

“I can’t do nothing and I-” he starts hiccuping “Well I just lay thewe next to dada and then someone comes and takes me away.”

“Someone who?” Clarke’s voice shakes as much as she tries to command it not to.

“Well miss Karen or gwandma.” that made sense, from what she knows miss Karen escorted the kids out of the room at the ceremony and Aurora was the one to pick him up after. 

He associated them as the ones that take him after his dad’s gone.

“Okay and then what?”

“Then gwandma dies too and they take me to the owphanage.” he’s sobbing by that point and Bellamy can’t take it anymore. 

He wraps an arm around his tiny arms and pulls him to his side, ignoring his protesting ribs, running a hand through his hair and leaning down to kiss his head.

“Oh, Gus!” Clarke picks up a clean tissue from her med bag and carefully wipes away at his face, taking his tiny fists away from his eyes where he was rubbing them and picking up his chin. “I’m so sorry.”

She’s heard of the orphanage. 

It was a place situated near the Prison Block, just on the edge of Factory and Farm. 

Kids who’s parents were floated or died from a disease and had no other living relatives such as grandparents were send there to be raised by a couple of the older women from all of the stations but mostly the working ones. 

They received extra rations for their job there and Clarke believed that was the problem-most of them faked not being able to do hard work at the Factories or with the crops so they had someone sign on some minor disease that released them form their duties and that was enough to send them off there. 

They were known to be cruel with the children, but most of all ignorant.

Clarke had been there once, a few years back at the beginning of her career when there was a really bad flu outbreak and five of the kids died from complications that could’ve been avoided if the so called carers had noticed and asked for help earlier.

The conditions they lived in were more than horrible-small beds rolled up on two sides of what was probably a mess hall or a storage room once before. 

They weren’t educated with the others, in fact most of them were behind on their school work or couldn’t read at twelve or fourteen because of ignorance. 

They received two rations a day like every other kid but were left to do as they pleased which is why they were often caught in petty crimes and if they were above sixteen they were locked up and then floated at eighteen.

They were doomed.

So Clarke understood Gus’ fears perfectly. Even if he was so young he must’ve already figured out it’s bad to end up there.

“Gus, I promise none of this will happen.” she assures when she finds out Bellamy’s choked up on his own tears and just holding onto his son as best as he could.

“You can’t. Nobody can pwomise.” Gus says next sounding something between angry and resigned.

“Gus, I’m not dying. Neither is grandma Rory.” Bellamy rubs his arm up and down “I won’t ever let anything bad happen to you, okay?”

“But you got so hurt and you almost…you almost died. And gwandma if she was there she could’ve died too!”

“Gus-”

“You can’t pwomise, dada!” he’s getting angry now, tears are streaming down his face, he’s annoyed, frustrated, Clarke can clearly see that part of the reason why he’s acting out is because he’s so sleep-deprived that he’s on edge. 

The other part was because he was fucking scared.

“Son, I-” Bellamy’s at a loss of words and she has her suspicions that this is their first real fight. 

They always got on so well and even when Gus misbehaved which was a rarity, Bellamy made sure what the was doing was wrong, he always listened to him and was smart enough to reason.

“No one can pwomise!” he cries out again, clenching his hands in fists angrily.

“I can!” Clarke intervenes then and they both fall quiet, Gus turning his head to hers eyes widening “I can promise you that if something happens to your father and grandmother, I won’t let you go to the orphanage. I’ll take you home with me.”

“Clarke-” Bellamy says in warning but when she looks up and meets his eyes he sees she’s absolutely serious about it and he’s so taken aback that it knocks the breath out of him.

“You will?”

“Of course.” she unclenches his fists and moves her thumbs up to wipe at his tears again “We can even make it official if you want.”

“How?”

“I’ll vow to you.”

“Clarke,you don’t have to do this.” Bellamy tries to stop her. 

Vows were serious on the Ark, made only when couples were getting married or parents were choosing their children’s godparents or when someone was dying without leaving children and wanted a last wish fulfilled. 

Doctors and guards, as well as politicians took vows too but those were different, they were more formal-what she was about to do now was bound by true love and friendship only. 

It was a serious commitment, sometimes solidified by tokens people exchanged and words but mostly spoken yet it couldn’t be broken.

“I want to, Bellamy.” she promises and they hold each other’s looks for a moment before finally he nods, clenching his jaw and trying not to let any more of his tears spill.

Clarke stretches out her hands and Gus stares at them for a moment before he carefully places his in hers, deciding to trust her completely, without any reservations whatsoever.

“I Clarke Elizabeth Griffin-” upon hearing her middle name Bellamy raises an eyebrow but doesn’t say anything “do solemnly swear that in case your father Bellamy Blake, dies which for the record I won’t let happen because my stubbornness alone will keep him here next to you-”upon that Gus smiles a little “but still if that is the case that I can not save him and he dies, or your grandmother Aurora Blake passes, I will take every responsibility there is for you and raise you up to best of my abilities until you are old enough to start your own life and take care of yourself after which I release you of any obligation to do anything for me, be it carrying my old lady’s purse or holding my hand when I’m eighty and on my death bed.” Gus smiles just barely again at her sweet jokes but he can read between the lines and tell that she’s absolutely serious about what she just said and that she will absolutely fulfill her promise.

But just in case she adds:

“I love you, sweet boy.” a tear escapes her own eye and rolls down her cheek as she squeezes his hands tightly “I won’t ever let you go.”

He throws himself in her arms.

“I love you too, Clarke!”

They hold each other for a while and Bellamy reaches to rub Gus’ back while giving Clarke a warm grateful look. 

Soon enough she pulls him away, brushes his nose against his but determines they have to finish their check up.

Once she’s done, she lets Gus go play by the table, where he starts preparing the so called “tent” for when Monty brought Jordan in and they could play.

“So? What’s the verdict?”

“He’s anxious, that’s for sure. Probably has a mild PTSD as a result from everything that happened. Has he been irritable? Angry?”

“Yeah, he blew up at me a few times yesterday and once today in a way he’s never done before. I was…I didn’t know what to do,”

What could he do, Clarke wondered, he was barely standing up and he could only move around with a crutch.

“It’s because of the lack of sleep. I can prescribe him mild medication, herbal-based, they won’t harm him in any way.” she assures when she sees Bellamy’s concern upon hearing the word medication. 

“Children can still be treated no matter the station so I’ll write him a prescription. Say I did a home visitation.”

“You won’t get in trouble?” she shakes her head.

“There’s also this tea he could try, maybe you can mix it with the formula, it’ll ease him up, make him sleepy in the evening.”

She could see the question in his eyes before he’s even said it out loud-how many rations will it cost? Can I afford it? 

Because Aurora was the only one working right now and she was truly going to the ends of it to get herself two meager rations instead of just one so she could give hers to Bellamy, they were struggling more than they had ever before.

So Clarke made sure to bring in at least a can of beans every time she passed through the stations and she hid it in the cupboard above the sink while Bellamy was too busy with Gus or sleeping.

She knew well enough Gus would eat only half of his assigned ration and Bellamy would insist his mom eats as much as she can to keep her strength so she could work which left him with nothing.

He had lost so much weight it was starting to scare her. She first noticed it when she was wrapping up his ribs-the bones were painfully sticking out, his stomach has sagged as much as his cheeks had, he was paler than usually.

It wasn’t fine.

“It won’t cost much and I think I can even get them for you guys for free.”

“Clarke-”

She squeezes his knee.

“I know what I’m doing, Bellamy.”

“We’ll pay for it. As much as we have to and no point less.” he insists, voice strong and heavy with determination and his usual Blake stubbornness.

“Fine.” she agrees when she sees she won’t change her mind. 

Still, she formulates a plan where she can maybe sign them off for herself as a result of her concussion but give them to Gus instead.

“Do you think he lost weight?” Bellamy asks next voicing his never ending concern for the first time that day.

“No. I mean I haven’t weighted him but I think he’s fine. Maybe even gained a little.” Bellamy sighs relieved.

“I’ve tried to give him as much as I can from what we have.”

“How about you give yourself some of it too?”

“What do you mean?”

“He may be fine but you aren’t, Bellamy.” he waves her off at that and tries standing up on his own. 

She slides underneath his good side and helps him move. He can barely make half a step at a time and whenever they stop he starts coughing his lungs out. 

It shatters her to her core and she covers his hand with hers over his ribs using the moment to prove her point she slides her palm over his stomach.

“You’ve lost weight.”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s everything.”

“Can you help me get to the bathroom?” she knew this tactic of his-he never asked for anything unless he was desperate to change the subject because it was getting dangerously close to resulting in a fight between them which Clarke definitely didn’t want but knew was a necessity with Bellamy, at least sometimes.

She just couldn’t get it through his thick head that he had to take care of himself first before being able to help everyone else in his family.

The chancellor’s voice brings her back to reality and she doesn’t realize the conversation must’ve slipped by while she was thinking about Bellamy and Gus.

“Unfortunately not all of Factory is working in its full capacity right now, Abby, so glitches like this happen.”

“And why is that?” Clarke decides to intervene and she’s not even sure where she gets her voice from. 

She was determined not to get involved in the conversation tonight, knowing it’ll just piss her off but her sense of justice…that damn sense of justice that she had.

It was going to be the end of her.

Her dad had told her so when she was a little girl and he looks up now to meet her eyes in warning, sensing the tone of her voice was one that demanded a fight.

“Were any of the machines broken in the attack?” she adds innocently, pretending to be dumb on all matters of politics so as not to raise suspicions. 

Her mom and dad didn’t know she’s been sneaking out to Factory, Farm or Arrow and helping people. 

Abby was of the impression she’s been resting at home, following doctor’s orders and watching old movies or football games with Wells, who has been covering for her but had his own suspicions that something else was going on.

Jaha leaned back on the chair and rubbed his shoulder with his good hand. 

He had taken a sharpnel in the attack, a very small piece and had less than five stitches but his injury had been blown up to proportions to magnify the fact that the reason for the attack was his demise. 

In public he worse a sling and the bruise he had gotten on his head was remade by make-up artists so as to keep up appearances once it had started fading away but here in the company of his oldest friends and council members, he had thrown the sling off the chair’s handle and eating using both hands.

“No, there’s not enough work force.”

“Hm” Clarke puts her fork down “Maybe that’s because more than half of them are still being kept in the prison block for crimes they did not commit.”

“Clarke-” Abby warns and all heads turn to her but Jaha raises his hand in a quiet sign that it’s okay and they should let her talk.

“It’s fine, Abby.” he clears his throat after taking another sip of his wine “That’s true but we have to put the safety of all stations above our needs.”

You mean the safety of your own life and it’s privilege, Clarke thought but didn’t say out loud.

Wells, upon sensing the tension joins in:

“We’re processing the data of all prisoners and questioning them, it’s just not something that can be resolved in a matter of days.”

“I don’t think it should be something to be resolved at all if they were free and back at their homes.” 

In all honesty Bellamy had been one of the lucky ones released just a few days after the attack. 

When the guards failed to find the Arrowheads because of most of the destroyed cameras in the square, releases had been deferred.

People were questioned over and over and over again even when it was clear they had no connection to the attacks and a little after that the random check ups that were more like raids where the guards hit people and yelled at them, aiming to scare the hell out of them in case they were hiding something, had worsened things even more.

“Clarke, this is the only way that we can catch those terrorists.” Wells intervenes trying to break the tension again.

“Surely there must be a more humane way than letting them starve to death and lock them up or turn their homes upside down.” she argues once more “This is the biggest station on the Ark and they’ve suffered the most of the losses in this attack, yet they’re suffering even moreso because of it-their rations are cut in half, they have no electricity and they’re forced to barely make ends meet in order to survive.”

“Excuse me, Thelonious, Wells, my daughter’s mind is still a little shaken after the concussion, you must forgive her promptness.”

“My mind’s right where it should be, mother!” Clarke cuts her off and the table falls quiet once more. 

Wells is the only one bold enough to meet her eyes and he seems as surprised in her actions as she is. 

She’s always been outspoken, unafraid to share her thoughts-she constantly fought with her mom over medical matters in the stations, of the inequality and tried to convince her that there needs to be better care for the patients of Factory and Farm but she had always drawn the line there-she hadn’t cared for politics or guards or vice chancellors closing their eyes to beating innocent people to the state Bellamy was in.

But now she clearly saw how connected it all was.

She couldn’t change just one aspect of the system if all of it was wrong and unfair. 

The thought of Gus anxiously waking up in the middle of the night, clutching his dad who was too hurt and fucked up on his own, in their freezing room, made her even more angry.

“You can’t punish so many people for the crimes of a dozen. You can’t cut their rations or electricity because you’re too inadequate to catch a bunch of idiots. They are people just like us, suffering just like we had. In fact, they’ve had it much worse in those hard times.”

“I see that as a medic you’re passionate on the subject, Clarke, but I’m not punishing them all because of a few people. Have you asked yourself how come this attack happened? Why it happened?”

Yes, she thought, because they’re tired of the way they’re living.

Still her mother’s hand on her thigh and her father’s worried look makes her bite her tongue for the moment.

“This is rooted in them-the violence, the anger. It has been so since the Arrowheads were first founded and our ancestors had hoped to tame those feelings but unfortunately they seem to have been unsuccessful.” he explains carefully and she wants to punch him in the face because she can just not stand watching him there, calmly sipping his wine while Bellamy writhed in pain in his uncomfortable cot and coughed his lungs out. 

“So here we are now-suffering the consequences of people who put themselves first above all other stations, above everyone’s well being.”

“That’s because their well-being has been put on hold, chancellor.”

“I’d respectfully disagree, Clarke.” Vice Chancellor Kane intervenes in defense of his superior “Factory has been given the same opportunities as everyone else in all aspects-work, education, rations, yet they are at the bottom of the statistics on the Ark.”

“Are you fucking kidding me? They have electricity ten hours a day when we’re currently sweating in one single room!”

“Clarke, honestly, I think that’s enough-” her mom tries to stop her again.

“You seem to be very well aware of the conditions there, Clarke, are you perhaps spending time in the station?” Jaha’s question finds her unprepared.

“No, of course not.”

“Hm” he adjusts the napkin on his chest “How long have you’ve been cooped up at home? Maybe it’s time you, Wells and Hannah did something together? Take your mind off things and everything you’ve been through.”

Clarke opens her mouth to protest when she feels her mom’s hand on her wrist this time.

“That’s a lovely idea, Thelonious. She’s been cleared to go back to work on Monday but maybe they can all do something this weekend, what do you say, Wells?”

“I’ll make sure to clear my schedule.”

“Yeah, in between beating people to death you mean.” Clarke huffs under her nose and her mom kicks her leg in addition to continuing to squeeze the life out of her fingers.

“Clarke, why don’t you help me cut the lemon cake?” her dad speaks up for the first time nodding at the kitchen that was twice the size of Bellamy’s apartment.

She nods albeit unwillingly and follows him there. 

He’s strangely quiet when he takes out the cake from the fridge and Clarke’s heart clenches-what would Gus say if he saw that? 

Would he even recognize it? Has he ever had a real cake for his birthday? Had he tasted lemon at all?

“I know what you’re doing to say, dad.” she begins leaning on the counter and gripping it while watching him pick up the knife and carefully slice the cake.

“Hand me the plates, will you, sweetheart?” he asks nodding at the cupboard instead of giving her a real answer. 

She sighs but obliges him.

“I’m not trying to be rude or stir the water.”

“No, you’re only being incredibly reckless, sneaking into other stations and giving away care packages or free medical help.” Clarke freezes in her spot and goes mouth agape “What? You don’t think I know my own daughter’s up to something?”

“But mom-”

“Has no idea. Yet.” relief floods over her and she exhales though she knows the battle’s not over. Her dad called her out here for a reason.

“You won’t tell her, will you?”

“Not unless you give me a reason to and after the conversation that just happened you might’ve just done so.”

“But dad, all I want to do is help those people! It’s not fair!”

“Keep your voice down, I don’t know if Kane and Jaha know about this and are turning a blind eye or if they have no clue-” he whispers back “In which case I’d like to keep it that way for as long as we can.”

“So you…you support me?”

“Of course I do, Clarke, but it doesn’t mean I agree with the way you’re doing this.”

“Dad-”

“It’s extremely dangerous!” he stops cutting the cake and crosses his arms over his big chest “Not to say almost suicidal!”

“I can take care of myself!”

“No, you can’t! Those people almost killed the chancellor. They blew you up in the air and not even half of them are behind bars yet! Do you know what will happen if you get caught in their hands?” she opens her mouth to protest but he cuts her off before she can. 

“They’ll execute you just for sport, Clarke!”

“Dad, I-”

“It won’t matter how many people you’ve saved or fed or even defended while having dinner with the chancellor.” she bows her head down and leans on her elbows, reaching out to swipe some of the yellow icing with her finger.

The image of Bellamy’s hallow cheeks and the dark circles under Gus’ eyes stop her from actually tasting it.

“I can’t just stand by and do nothing! There are people out there who need help!”

“And they’re getting some! There are field hospitals, you can volunteer to help there and Hannah’s society girls are organizing a benefit for all the families that have suffered losses in the attack.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it! The field hospitals are just an excuse so that the people don’t completely overthrow the chancellor but most of them are dying there and they have no access to real medical help! Jackson’s dealing with open wounds with fucking moonshine, dad!”

“Don’t you curse at me, kid!” he warns, getting angry himself which he rarely did with her. 

She was always his sweet little girl who he understood and tried to help no matter what.

“You know I’m right! And Hannah-I despise girls like Hannah. They are the reason I went into medicine in the first place-they sit in their sweet little homes with their perfect powerful husbands taking care of their spoiled children who eat a full coarse meal at breakfast while others get half a bowl of algae and pretend the world is fine!”

“You’re being too harsh on them!” her dad warns “You know they mean well.”

“It’s one thing to mean well and a whole other to do it, dad!” she throws her hands in the air and meets his eyes for the first time this evening “I won’t sit by and watch people die while we eat lemon cake for desert and nobody, not you,not anyone else telling me how dangerous this is will stop me!”

Jake raises his eyebrow at that and tilts his head to the side.

“Does that someone else include the person who saved your life during the attack?” she swallows hard, ducking her head away. She should’ve known her dad would see through her, he always did. 

“Because if he is then I’d like to meet up with him and thank him in person.” Clarke couldn’t really imagine her dad and Bellamy Blake in the same room but then again at second thought he’d be the best choice out of all her family that she could introduce to him and Gus without fearing they’ll be disgusted or afraid of them. 

“So he’s of the same opinion as I am?”

Clarke shrugs.

“He may be.”

“Then he’s a true friend.”

“He and his son are dying because of everything Jaha’s doing.”

“Clarke, I get that you want to help people but you can’t openly criticize the chancellor, not even while he’s having a friendly dinner with us at our own apartment.” her dad circles the plot and wraps his hands around her shoulders “Those kinds of actions and thoughts could get you killed no matter who your parents are and how close they are to those in power. Please…remember that.”

She wraps her arms around his waist.

“Okay.” he kisses the top of her head and holds her tight “I’m just worried about you, kiddo.”

“I’ll be fine, dad.” he shakes his head when he pulls away and stares at the bandage still wrapped around her head.

“You almost died.”

“It’s but a scratch.” he sighs at her words but she can see he’s cracking a smile under his serious demeanor.

“When did you grow up and get so stubborn?”

“I’ve always been stubborn.” he laughs at that and ruffles her head a little.

“That’s true but please…don’t let it kill you, okay?” she swallows hard at that “Be careful.” Clarke has to lean on her toes to be able to reach up and kiss his cheek.

“That’s my middle name.”

“It’s not!” Jake points out with a pout.“It’s Elizabeth!”

“All the same!” she pulls away “Save me a piece, I need to go to the bathroom.” she runs off and just when she’s reached the door she hears him call her back.

“Don’t take all the aspirin pills! Kane gives me headaches every time he stops by!” and she chuckles.

Her dad knew her so well.

————————————————-

Bellamy’s heavily leaning on the table, one hand resting on it as the other gripped the crutch under his arm and he slowly, very impatiently, took a step forward.

It had been Gus’ idea. 

He was trying to get up on his feet in the past few days but he was useless without Clarke or his mother there. 

Though neither of them discussed it, he didn’t need them to say it out loud-he wasn’t getting better. 

He thought maybe when a week or two passed his knee would strengthen and he could even try and get back to work but he overheard Clarke telling his mom the other night when they thought he was asleep that it’d be at least a month for the cap to heal and only after that could they think about the lack of feeling in half of his leg and how to help that.

Help, not fix, he had noticed her use of words then too.

It has been just a five days since she first came in and found him bed ridden and he couldn’t say he was not enjoying having her here. 

With his mom away at work most the time, a kid at home and him being unable to move and in pain things weren’t easy.

Gus was a quiet boy but even he needed to let his energy out from time to time and Bellamy couldn’t always send him off to the Greens. 

They had their own worries and work too, so Clarke proved to be of great help here. 

She would read to him, play with him, even, much to his surprise, cook with him if stirring some beans and corn could be considered cooking.

She came in dressed in different station outfits every time but still he worried even if she was five or ten minutes late. 

Technically, he knew she was helping out giving away packages and that took time, he was also aware that once she starts work on Monday she won’t have the time to come in every day and that thought made a sinking feeling settle in his stomach.

A feeling he did not like for more than one reason, mostly because he skipped the moment when he started depending and needing Clarke Griffin in his life all the damn time.

He shook his head as he took another step.

Clarke and Gus were sitting on a chair just opposite of him.

“Come on, dada, you can do it!” his son cheered on. 

He had made only one “lap” around the table at whenever he reached Gus and Clarke, his son would move up from her lap and kiss his cheek as a reward for being successful.

It warmed his heart.

The kid has been through too much and though Clarke’s tea and herbal pills were helping him get back to his normal sleeping schedule, he could still see that he was sad and too lost in his thoughts sometimes.

He worried.

Bellamy sways violently and threatens to fall on his back was it not for his last minute instinct to grip the side of the table and command himself to breathe. 

That on its own sends him into another bout of violent coughs and his hand wanted to desperately shoot for his ribs which he had to command himself not to do so as not to lose his balance.

“Bellamy-”

“Just…a…” he can’t even finish the sentence, he’s coughing his lungs out and it hurts, all of it hurts. 

He hears Clarke move up, tell Gus to stay put and soon enough she’s by his side, one hand on his chest, the other cupping his cheek.

“It’s alright, just breathe.”

“I …can’t.” his lungs wheeze, he tries to bite back his lips so as not to cough into her face and he hates the worried look in her eyes but she reads his mind (how did she always do that) and so she pushes his head to the crook of her shoulder.

“Don’t hide.” she whispers when he tries to swallow down his coughs. 

His arm goes limp and the hand gripping the crutch goes lip, letting it fall to the ground. 

He’s so embarrassed by himself, his state-he had no idea how she even held him in her arms right now without being disgusted-he hadn’t properly showered in over a week, he was a coughing mess and he couldn’t walk.

She’s a doctor, she’s used to this-he thinks but somehow he hates the thought of her seeing him just as a patient.

“I’m sorry.” he apologizes when the violent coughs shake his body once more.

“Here, easy, sit down.” he somehow manages to grab the chair and put it behind him, gently pushing him down while he keeps coughing. 

Still, she doesn’t pull away from him, on the contrary, she pushes his head to her stomach and runs her fingers through his hair soothingly until it passes.

When it does, she helps him rest his back on the chair, her hand ghosts over his sweaty forehead for a moment before she goes to the cabinets and takes out the cough syrup she brought yesterday.

“That tastes awful.”

“Oh you’ll get over it, you big baby.”

“I’m not a baby!” he pouts when she fills in the spoon and Gus who has been up until this moment very quiet and worried, flashes a serious look at his dad.

“Dada, take i!”

“You heard the boy!” she brings the spoon to his lips but Bellamy only purses them tighter.

“Can we-”

“Now, Bellamy.”

“It’s so bitter!” he complains “I don’t-” and before he knows it she shoves it in his mouth and forces him to swallow it, using the moment he’s blabbing to her benefit. 

Gus chuckles and Clarke smiles victoriously, patting his cheek in a sweet attempt to console him but then after, she does something he does not expect-he sees her lean down and kiss his cheek.

Her lips linger there for a moment too long, it feels like days, no, weeks had passed and when she pulls away his mouth is hanging open and his eyes are wide.

“There, I sweetened it some, didn’t I?” she cups his cheek again and it takes him a moment to react-his cheek is burning, he feels his whole face burning up to the tip of his ears and she seems so unabashed, so full of love and joy and happiness. 

There’s just the faintest taint of red under her eyes, her small chippy nose is a little scrunched up in that adorable way that makes his heart tug in a strange way, in a desire to move up and kiss it.

He shakes his head, his curls fall free over his eyes and cheeks and cover his moment of weakness and shame.

“I uh…thanks.”

“You’re welcome,big baby.”

“I’m not a baby!” he huffs again protesting the light joke but she notices he’s still gripping the side of the table with one hand while his other moves to his ribs.

“Gus takes it better when he has his shots.” she praises his son and the kid beams “Don’t you, sweet face?”

“I do! It’s akway, dada, you just need to twust doctow Clarke. She knows what’s best.”

“Very wise words from a very wise little man.” she moves to the other side of the table and wraps her arms around Gus’ neck, leaning down to kiss his cheek too.

Bellamy’s face falls-she just did it with his son too. That meant it wasn’t special. He was just being an idiot and she had to calm him down. 

Like giving Gus the monkey when he had shots or holding his hand while she asked him about his nightmares.

He wasn’t special.

He was just a patient.

His heart sinks a little but then he shakes his head-this was for the better. He couldn’t have other thoughts like that…thoughts about kissing her nose or what it’d feel like if he ran his hand through her hair or if his lips touched-

No.

Enough of that.

“Dada, I’m hungwy!” Gus announces as he leans his arms over the table in between the drawings he and Clarke had been doing since she came by. 

She was early today, having delivered packages only for about two hours after which she came here straight away. She would lie if she wasn’t anxious all morning-Bellamy’s cough worried her, it hadn’t been going away, in fact it was getting worse and according to Aurora he spend the night coughing yesterday. 

Clarke realized he was still in this precious inbetween where they could beat it or it could turn into a full blown pneumonia and then just as easily, he could get very high fever and worsen in just days.

The thought of him dying without her being able to take him to medbay scared the hell out of her.

She woke up at night wondering if she maybe made a mistake, if she should’ve given him two spoons of syrup instead of just one, if she should’ve insisted on two aspirins if she-

And then she’d shake her head, get up and spend the rest of the night going over paper work she needed to do for medbay just to take her mind off things.

It worried her, his state. She was so scared. Last time she talked to Jackson he told her people were dying like flies in the field hospital. 

“I guess that’s what it must’ve been when people went to war back on earth.” he had said tiredly. Many of the reasons why they died was because the wounds were too severe but also for the lack of resources-there weren’t enough blood bags, antibiotics, bandages, even thread for stitches.”

It started making her angry too.

Why weren’t Factory allowed to medbay? Why couldn’t they be saved? What sort of sick punishment was this that people could be helped but they were denying them. 

Like Bellamy-if he got sick, if he-

He could end up dying from something completely treatable. 

Or he could live if he was lucky enough and she somehow saved him with her meager medicine possessions-a stolen cough syrup from her mom’s cabinet and some aspirin that wouldn’t bring down his fever.

The chancellor had his life in his hands.

Quite literally.

Which is why she had refused to meet up with Wells and Hannah this weekend-she just couldn’t bear looking in her friend’s face when she knew he was not only ordering the raids as chief of the guards but also participating in them as a way to boost morale among his men and remind them to be firm and strong.

“Why don’t we have some of that cake I brought-” she starts, trying to shake her grim thoughts away when someone bangs hard on the front door.

“Chancellor’s Guards! Open up!” the blood freezes in her body and she stops dead in her place. 

The room falls quiet and her head shoots to Bellamy who’s face shows as much surprise as hers, surprise that quickly shifts into something else.

Fear.

Chapter 9

Notes:

A/N: Okay, this is the last of the old chapters so to say and I'm posting it so I can get a new one your way, finally, because I realized it's been over a month since I posted this one on Tumblr for which I'm sorry!

This chapter has some Trigger Warnings for police brutality and shock lashing!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

“Bellamy-”

“Guards! Open up! This is a surprise inspection!!” they yell again and Bellamy raises himself up on his feet by using the table, gripping it with both arms.

“Pick Gus up and go by the sink, I’ll open up!”

“Dada!”

“Bellamy, no maybe I should hide.”

“Where? In the bathroom? They’ll turn this place upside down!” he shushes as he carefully leans down and grabs his crutch yelling back at the door “I’m coming! Just a moment!”

“You have one minute or we’ll use force!”

Clarke is shaking all over when Bellamy comes by her side gripping her wrist.

“Listen to me carefully-you’re my dead wife’s best friend from Factory who comes by to help me with my son, because you heard I got hurt in the blast.” Clarke nods, surprised by his calm demeanor. 

It’s like he has trained for this, expected it all this time, maybe in his head he had, maybe he had been preparing for this scenario while she was living in a dream where this never happened. 

“Don’t talk, they’ll know you’re from Alpha if they hear your accent!” and he’s right, people spoke differently in Factory, using words sometimes she didn’t understand, but Alpha had a distinct lazy a that would pass in GoSci or Hydra, even Mekka, where they spoke similarly, but not around here.

They’d figure it out right away.

“You got your fake ID?”

“Yes, it’s in my pocket.”

“Factory?” she nods, she had been dressed in Factory disguise today, using the name Eliza Bennett as disguise. 

She had a friend in GoSci, a boy she used to go to school with who did those things-he didn’t only fake the real document, he also put you in the program for about a month so that if the guards checked it, they’d never doubt it.

It cost her about two weeks of ration points that she could’ve used on bandages or medicine but it was worth it.

Especially right now.

“Sir, open up!” there was a bang on the door again and Bellamy ushered them. Clarke grabbed Gus and went to the sink.

“Keep his head down, okay? I don’t want him to remember this.” he whispers one last time as Clarke tucks Gus’ head to her chest. 

The kid was already trembling with paralyzing fear and she could feel his tears wet her jumpsuit.

“It’ll be fine.” Clarke whispers in his ear “I’m here, nothing bad will happen.” she lies so convincingly she almost believes it.

In reality she was absolutely useless and the outcome of the entire situation depended on Bellamy who was heavily limping towards the door and grabbing the handle.

He throws her one last look before he opens up, raising his free hand in the air in a silent sign of peace that no one notices.

They don’t even stop, it’s like a sea of black that pours in the small apartment-five men in full gear with vests, helmets and rifles on their backs and chests, pistols raised up blazing as if Bellamy was waiting on the other side with one himself, getting ready to shoot them the moment he opens the door.

Two of them grab Bellamy from both sides before he can even say something.

His crutch falls to the ground, he swings violently and the one on his left thinks he wants to attack him so they clutch his elbow and pull out their baton.

Clarke has to bite back her tongue not to yell.

“This is a surprise inspection ordered by chancellor Thelonious Jaha and executed under the laws of Decree #175 of the Arkadia Council board members enforced in state of emergency and supported by all people on the Ark. We the guards are hereby allowed to search the premises of-” the guard who had stopped in the middle of the room near the table reads from his tablet what Clarke’s sure is just a formality. 

He’s the oldest one, his hair sticking in a straining the eyes white under his helmet, completely contrasting the rest of the boys that seem much younger.

The other two had already detained Bellamy who was in either case completely helpless and she herself was facing the rest of the small group who were eyeing her and Gus suspiciously as they gripped the guns strapped to their chests with both hands. 

“Bellamy Blake, son of Aurora Blake, who lives here with his son Augustus Martin Blake.” the man utters a few more sentences from the document he was reading but they’re basically unintelligible as he seems bored that he even has to bother with this.

“Okay, boys, push him to the wall and search him!” he orders and  Clarke opens her mouth to argue when Bellamy gives her one look and reminds her to keep quiet. 

“You two-start looking around.” he tells the other two that were near Clarke and Gus who seem to be invisible to them for the moment.

Bellamy’s pushed to the wall opposite of them and she sees he bites back a groan as they search him all over, patting his body, turning up his pockets and even running their gloved hands through his curls all done so gracelessly that she’s sure they’re just causing him more pain.

The men start turning everything upside down, heading to the bed first and pulling away their blankets and the mattresses, throwing Gus’ drawings on the floor and stomping over them.

The older guard goes through the information on his tablet, seemingly lost in thought while the others destroyed the place.

“He’s clear, sir!”

“Put him on his knees and tie his hands behind his back while we’re done here. Then join the others in on the fun.” the guard commands and they drag Bellamy forward pushing him to his knees. 

Clarke can’t even imagine the pain he’s in right now, forced to put pressure on his broken kneecap and his leg that won’t hold him. 

He’s worse for wear after the search, his clothes pulled at and his hair a mess but he keeps his eyes on her in determination she had rarely seen in him and she recognizes wht he’s trying to say.

“Don’t fight this!”

Gus is trembling in her arms, crying, sobbing now and she tries to rock him, rub his back with her hand and whisper reassurances in his ear but he’s so terrified she doubts he’s hearing something.

“Dada!” he whispers.

“Shh, dad will be fine, don’t look.”

“Dada, I-”

“Please, don’t look Gus, be quiet, it’ll be over soon.” she whispers while her own body trembles with fear.

She had never seen anything like this before-the way the guards so rudely invaded this home and were currently destroying everything.

“Bellamy Blake, age 27, widower, works in Factory station level two as a mechanic and wielder” the old guard mutters to himself still going through the tablet information, swiping his finger up and down “Got arrested after the attack but passed out during interrogation.” he looks down at him “That’s convenient, isn’t it?”

Bellamy doesn’t say anything as the guard lets his tablet drop and starts looking around.

“Don’t look at them, don’t look at them!” Bellamy begs silently and just then the man’s eyes fall on Clarke and Gus, making his heart sink.

“If your wife’s dead, who’s that?” he asks as he approaches them with curiosity, nodding at one of the boys who was throwing out the contents of the drawers next to them  up “Jenkins, scan her ID!”

“She’s just a friend, helps me take care of my son.” Bellamy speaks up for the first time, trying to bring back the guard’s attention to himself which unfortunately he’s unsuccessful with.

Clarke’s trembling hand takes out her ID and hands it to the younger guy, a boy really, probably no older than eighteen with red hair sticking out from under his helmet and freckles. 

Gus sobs have quieted just a bit but upon hearing the guard approach them he grips Clarke’s shirt in his hand and climbs up further in her chest.

“Here it is, sir.” Jenkins shows the guard the scanner and the man with piercing blue eyes and hatred painted all over his face smirks like the devil.

“Ahh, a seamstress.” he raises his hand and picks Clarke’s chin up. “I love those.”

“Leave her alone!” Bellamy raises his voice angrily “She’s just a girl!”

“So were those who almost blew up the chancellor” the guard who’s name tag said Morgan as much as Clarke could catch sight of it, barks “Boys and girls from this station, pretending to be innocent but preparing a terrorist attack.”

“We haven’t done anything. I got hurt in the attack too” Bellamy tries to reason with him, take his attention off of Clarke and Gus which seems to be working because the guard starts walking back towards him, measuring him with his eyes as he kneeled before him.

“Apparently you’re not too bad if you’re out here fucking this whore” the guard says when he kneels to his level, his baton out, gripping it with one hand and patting it in the inside of the other as a treat.

Bellamy grits his teeth angrily.

“Don’t call her that!”

“Or what?” Morgan laughs in his face, spitting some of his own saliva on Bellamy’s face “You’ll do what, you factory bastard?”

“This!” Bellamy uses his head and and in one swift movement hits the guard’s face with his forehead, making him stumble back and almost fall to his ass.

“No!” Clarke speaks for the first time and he hopes nobody hears her in the mix of grunts and yells from the other guards. 

Morgan is swift to raise himself up to his feet and Bellamy feels the blood tickle down the cut he just made on his forehead that must be identical to cut on Morgan’s face.

Because of the helmet protecting his head and the height difference Bellamy had ended up hitting him lower-in the eye and right now the guard was clutching his already red and fast swelling eyeball that was bleeding on top of everything, as he cursed. 

Two of the guards rushed to him, helped him steady himself by grabbing his elbows but he angrily shoves them away.

“You stupid piece of-” Morgan raises his baton and Bellamy prepares for the blow that never comes.

“Sir, we found something here.” the other guard, the boy who had scanned Clarke’s ID, had joined in another man in the search while Bellamy talked to Morgan and tried to get his attention.

With fear, Bellamy’s eyes fall on the cuboards near the door by the hanger that they’ve moved away, only to find out the moveable metal panel on the floor where he hid food.

“He’s hoarding food.” Morgan’s face twists in another evil expression and he follows the boys to the small hole in the floor where he pulls out a few red bean cans and a couple of stew and potato ones as well as some formula.

“Well, well, well, look what we got here.” Bellamy’s face falls. He had asked Aurora to put them there just last night, afraid of a surprise inspection like this happening, stupidly believing that no one will think to look under a fucking shoe cupboard near the door.

What a fool he was.

Morgan kicks the cans so hard, that some of them burst and the food spills on the floor but when he picks up the formula box, Bellamy’s heart breaks.

“Hoarding food is an illegal activity that’s punishable according to the Ark’s rules.” he opens up the box as he starts walking back to Bellamy. “Jenkins, take twenty ration points from his file.”

“This was from the care packages, I hadn’t stolen or hoarded.” Bellamy tries explaining but he realizes he’s too late. Morgan is pissed off that he fought back and he’d do anything in his power to get it back at him because he was humiliated.

“Make them fifty, Jenkins!” Bellamy didn’t have fifty ration points in his card. 

He barely even had five which meant that when he started working, IF he started working, he had to pay those fifty points to the state, or the chancellor, whichever you preferred, before he started saving any and using them for food.

It was like a fine that was way too big for a crime this petty. Everyone hid and hoarded food in Factory. 

Most of the time, if the guards were understanding, they’d even let it slide but now after the attack every little thing was put under a microscope and Factory people were punished way too harsh.

Morgan digs his hand in the formula box and spills the contents on the floor in a dramatic theatrical gesture, just to show Bellamy that he can do anything he wants.

“This is for my son.” Bellamy says through teeth and Morgan who’s eyes was almost swollen shut and bleeding down his cheek laughed.

“Not anymore. Now it’s for no one.” he turns the box upside down, the metal echoes as it bounces off the floor and Morgan dips his fingers in the small white pile staining them in the yellowish white of the powder before dragging it over Bellamy’s face, mixing it with the blood coming from the cut on his own head.

“Stop it!” Clarke couldn’t take it anymore-this man wasn’t just inspecting a room, he was humiliating the people living here, he had bound Bellamy by the wrists and thrown all his food away. 

He was treating him like an animal.

“Don’t!” Bellamy warns her when he feels the guard grab him by the hair and tug his head back, standing behind him and opposite of Clarke.

“The punishment for hoarding food is taking away ration points but considering the cirmustances I find it to be too…meek, wouldn’t you agree mechanic Blake?” he whispers angrily in his ear. 

“Moreover, you assaulted a guard, so I think a few shocklashes will be a good lesson, what do you boys say?” the other guards that had already searched everything including the small bathroom were standing in a semi circle opposite of Bellamy and Morgan and just a foot before Clarke and Gus who had started crying out loud.

“Will ten do the work?”

“No!” Clarke tries again and Bellamy shoots her another warning glance. 

If she spoke too much they’d figure it out, she’d be punished too, maybe locked up and she’d never set foot in Factory again.

She was supposed to sit and wait idly by.

But how could she when Bellamy was being tortured like this?

“Or maybe I could fry the feathers of your little seamstress friend instead?” he started “Maybe she helped you hoard all the cans, huh?”

“Leave her alone! She doesn’t know anything!” Bellamy grunts back and Morgan smiles contemplating his decision for a moment. 

Gus is crying out loud, his yells piercing the air around when the man steps back and gestures at the boys.

“Come tear up his shirt and hold him tight.” he leans close and Bellamy feels his stale breath fan his face “I like giving women pleasure, not torture.”

It makes Bellamy want to punch him so hard he knocks out his teeth but he’s also relieved.

He won’t hurt Clarke. He won’t harm her.

“No!” she screams again and it makes him wince. She needed to be quiet, the more she struggled,the more danger she was in.

“Careful, sweetheart, if you don’t keep your tongue behind your teeth I’ll let you join him!” the captain grows at her but clearly he enjoys seeing her trying to fight the red-haired boy who stands in her way.

Two of the boys tear Bellamy’s shirt apart, untie his arms and grab a wrist in each hand as Morgan takes out his shock lash baton and steps forward.

“Dada!” Gus is wailing now, he’s twisting in her arms, has been for a while, trying to see what’s happening, most of all why it was happening. “Dada, no!” he was crying so hard, tears streaming down his face.

“Look away, Gus!” Bellamy begged and when the first shock lash hit him he tried to bite back the groan that came with the pain of electricity buzzing through his body but he couldn’t “Come on, son, look…look away!” he begged.

The kid screamed and tossed, he wiggled so hard in Clarke’s arms that no matter what she was trying to do, how she was trying to calm him and push his head to her chest so he doesn’t see, she couldn’t.

The boy with the red hair and the freckles stood before her, baton raised but dripping lower in his arms as he watched them struggle but there was nothing he could do. 

Disobeyong your superior got you suspended for months, Clarke knew it from Wells-they were all afraid and they were all so very needed so they could instill terror in people’s lives.

It was an honor to be a guard these days, a protector, Jaha said whenever he talked about Wells with pride and joy in his eyes.

“Protector of what?” Clarke thought.

They were torturing an innocent man who was already hurt beyond believe, dragging him to the floor and holding his arms while they shock lashed him and his son cried in her arms and begged for him.

“Gus, stop it, please, stop!” Clarke was trying desperately but the kid was fighting her so hard she couldn’t do anything.

Bellamy was on his fifth shock lash when he started coughing up blood.

The sight must’ve been so terrifying for Clarke because she found herself struggling against the guard and trying to get to him. The boy was strong, though, he held her up by the arms with the wiggling kid between them until finally somewhere in between their struggles, Gus found a weak link.

He twisted hard in Clarke’s grip, moved up and before she knew it, he was biting the guard’s arm so hard the boy screamed, then he jumped off on the floor and squeezed between his legs, rushing to his dad.

“Dada!” he yelled as he ran. Bellamy was so ruined by that point, the only thing holding him up were the guards on both his sides. 

His upper body had sagged up and his eyes were dizzy and disoriented.

“Gus, no!” Clarke yelled when she saw the one of the guards by Bellamy’s side raise his baton at Gus’ attempts to reach his dad.

She uses the red-haired boy’s distraction to push by his side and runs to them. 

In a last-second attempt to help them, she stands between the guard and Gus raising her hands in pleading.

And just then, when she thinks the baton will hit her fingers with force unimaginable, maybe even break them, destroy her and her career, her ability to help people, something happens.

The blow never comes and a strong familiar voice echoes through the room.

“WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?”

Clarke’s eyelids flutter and when she turns to the direction of the voice, she finds Wells Jaha and another smaller group guards that seemed to be in training considering their grey and not black uniforms, standing in the door.

Morgan is so deep in his own vendetta that he keeps shocklashing Bellamy until Wells strides forward and grabs him by the wrist.

“Guardsman Morgan, what are you doing?”

Recognition dawns over Morgan’s face when he realizes who’s standing before him. He clears his throat, tucks away his shock lash baton in his belt and salutes him with a calm methodology that shakes Clarke to her core.

“Cheif Jaha, I was executing the punishment of this man for hoarding food.”

“The punishment for that is taking ration points, guardsman!” Wells commanded respect, Clarke could see the way everyone in the room shrunk under his strong voice, but he was not meeting her eyes as much as she was trying to catch his.

Has he even seen her at all? Or did he intervene just because he randomly happened to be passing by those hallways with his cadets?

“Yes, sir but he also assaulted me when I was trying to question him.” Morgan explains and Wells eyes slide to the other guards who bow down their heads in embarrassment clearly quietly contradicting their commanding officer’s words.

Then her friend’s eyes roll to the food on the floor, Gus who was hiding behind her, gripping her shirt and finally, to her. 

Recognition dawns over his face for just the briefest of moments-so he didn’t see her before that, he did not even expect to find her here. How would he? He didn’t know she had been sneaking to Factory trying to help people.

She barely shakes her head at him, the most silent and invisible of gestures she could think of.

What would he do?

Would he expose her? Have her arrested for breaking the law and coming to stations that were locked up for Alpha residents? Punish her for helping people out despite the chancellor’s orders?

His face hardens and for a moment she doesn’t know what will happen.

She loved Wells with all her heart, they’ve grown up together, he even had the sweetest crush on her when they were in high school but got over it when he realized Clarke doesn’t feel the same way towards him. 

He had been there through it all-her first boy friend, her first girl kiss, her first break up, her first surgery, her first loss of a patient.

He held her in her arms and let her cry all her sorrows out while stroking her hair.

Her lips leave the heaviest sighs she’s ever held when he nods back at her and moves his head to Bellamy’s slumped figure.

“Don’t you see this man is barely conscious?” he kneels down and looks at his wrapped ribs and the bruises covering almost every part of his torso. The blood and powder on his face made him look like a painted warrior from the history movies Clarke remembers seeing as a child.

“He broke the law, sir!” Morgan tries explaining himself, finally letting his facade break somewhat but Wells only gives him another harsh look and stands up.

“He may have but he also clearly isn’t in the condition to receive physical punishment! We don’t kill people, guardsman Morgan! We are not terrorists!”

“Sir!” Morgan’s face was red as he saulted him.

“I want you and your men to go back to base where we’ll discuss the matter further.” Morgan nods and Wells turns to the trainees.

“Get this man to his bed and help him in any way you can! Use your medical training!” Clarke wanted to laugh-Wells knew well enough that she was the trained medic here, she could be the one to help Bellamy, but he didn’t want to expose her in any way.

Morgan and his guards leave and just then Clarke turns around and pulls Gus to her chest.

“Clarke!”

“It’s okay, it’s over!” she whispers back holding him tight in her arms while Wells looks at them from above. 

He stretches out his hand and helps her stand. The boy in her arms is crying, shaking, sobbing and breaking her heart. 

“It’s over, Gus, it’s over.” she kept saying like a mantra but it wasn’t true.

It was far from over. She had to figure out how to help Bellamy now. From the corner of her eye she could see the guards laying him on his stomach and drawing a wet rag over the burned flesh that seemed to have already started blistering. 

His eyes were closed-he had lost his battle with consciousness.

Wells stands in her way before she can move and get to him.

He reaches out and grabs her wrist, squeezing it tightly.

“You have a lot of explaining to do, Clarke!” he whispers, eyebrows furrowed, eyes angry but also filled with worry.

She knew she was in for some scolding, if Wells told her mother she’d never hear the end of it but right now she couldn’t care less.

She pushed Gus’ head to her chest and pulled him closer to her.

“Later.” is all she says as she tries to move past him towards the broken man lying in the cot, who even in his sleep, coughed and grunted from the pain coursing through his body.

Wells is faster, though. He grabs her elbow and pulls her back a few steps away from the trainees ears.

“Clarke-” he warns, she’s never seen him that angry or confused. Wells has always been anything but cold or stern. 

He has been her best friend, her hug after a warn out day, her warm hand to hold onto when she felt like crying after losing a patient or going through a particularly hard surgery.

But the person standing before her wasn’t Wells her best friend.

It was Wells the Chief of the guards.

“I’m not leaving here without you.” he says sternly “You have a lot of explaining to do.”

She knew that, she knew he’d ask her questions, maybe even call her mom and dad and force her to admit to why she was even there and how she moved through the stations.

Could he arrest her? Would he punish her?

A shiver ran down her spine and she shook her head of those thoughts-this didn’t matter now. Only Bellamy did.

“Then you better tell off your dogs so I can help him.” she says through teeth without a beat, trying to show him her stance, which was, she wouldn’t leave Bellamy unconscious lying on a cot all by himself. 

Judging by the time Aurora had to get home any minute, but still, she wouldn’t count on that. Not with Gus still trembling in her arms, sobbing on her shirt. 

“Because I’m not leaving until I do so.”

Wells considers her for a moment and it must be the spark of Clarke’s typical stubbornness that shone in her eyes that convinced him of it because he takes off his head and clears his throat.

“Trainees!” they all stop what they’re doing and turn to him, looking up with confusion while meddling between each other trying to form a small and proper soldier line. 

Clarke doubts they ever did anything to truly help Bellamy besides fuss and sweat over the right thing to do so that their commander wouldn’t be pissed off.

They were helpless boys no older than eighteen, some probably even younger, with still pimply pale faces and barely any beard on their faces.

“Go back to base and continue your training session with vice chancellor Kane.” Wells commands “I’ll finish up here myself.”

“But sir, it’s not safe for you to stay back on your own.” the boy on the furtherest right was the bravest one to speak after they all exchanged worried looks.

Should they leave a man behind? they wondered, Clarke could see it in their eyes and wished they had as much compassion about the person lying in the cot behind them.

“I won’t be alone. There are other guards in the hallways on duty. If I need their help I’ll get them. And anyway I doubt someone from this station will be too dumb to try killing me after what happened” the boys still linger a little unsure but then Wells adds. 

“Come on now, be on your way!” they salute him and leave with Wells closing the door behind them.

Clarke doesn’t waste a minute rushing to Bellamy’s bed, carefully placing Gus behind him.

“I’m sorry, sweet boy, I need to check on your dad, okay?” she apologizes and Gus looks up at her with eyes still filled with tears. 

He was so shell shocked he couldn’t speak, the only thing he knew for sure was that his dad was hurt and unconscious and he was terrified.

He craws near his dad as Clarke pulls out the small bag with medical provisions and supplies she’s left under the cot for when she needed to change Bellamy’s bandages and opens it up, kneeling on the cot near him.

The burns from the shock lash are an ugly red just above the bandage she had made on his ribs, blistering and oozing.

Yet another scar on his already marred body.

She reaches for his forehead and finds it burning which makes her wince but he’s out cold, he doesn’t stir at all even when she gently tries to shake his shoulder. When she looks up in his eyes they’re dizzy and disoriented but he still doesn’t wake up, only groans upon her trying to ruin his momentary peace.

“It’s okay, I’ll take care of you.”

“Dada?” Gus asks, coming from his other side, touching his arm carefully. “Dada, wake up!”

“He’s passed out, Gus.” Clarke says her own eyes welling with tears upon seeing Gus’ broken face. “The pain was too much, his body gave up.”

“He’s hurt.” Gus tilts his head at her trying to understand what she means.

“He is, but I’ll help him.” the little boy shakes his head.

“He’s too hurt this time.” she uses a clean cloth made of one of her own cocktail dresses that she remembers wearing on the previous unity days celebrations that seemed so long ago, and dozes it in the last of her antiseptic, reaching out to press it to Bellamy’s new wound.

He shivers, mumbles something but doesn’t wake up.

“What can I do to help?” she didn’t expect Wells to approach her but before she knows it he’s kneeling down on the mess on the floor created by his own people-everything was still down-the blankets, their clothes, even the sheets. 

Bellamy was lying on the bare cot that the trainees must’ve pulled up before dragging him on it. 

Even the pillow was torn and discarded near them and Clarke saw it was made of old useless rags, probably Aurora’s doing.

“You can take him to medbay and let me put an IV, make an x-ray and give him antibiotics.” she snaps back at which Wells’ facade breaks a little and she sees the face of her childhood friend for the briefest of moments.

“Clarke-” he shakes his head “You know I can’t do that.”

“Because he’s from Factory?”

“Because the law forbids it right now.” Wells furrows his eyebrows at her, not figuring out why she couldn’t get his point “You’re aware of the laws currently operating on this entire station, are you not?” he means her trespassing, her obvious disgrace to him, coming here in this hell hole helping this man and his child.

“What I know is that I have a man who’s been hurt beyond anyone else from Alpha that’s currently occupying a bed in medbay.” she keeps cleaning the wounds and when she’s satisfied, she takes out the last of her burn cream tube only to find it empy-she used the last of it on a kid from Farm that had his entire leg covered in blisters after the attack. 

She had nothing to help Bellamy with and that made her even more frustrated. 

“But instead he’s here, shaking from his coughs, unable to move from a shrapnel in his back that he got because he saved my life, getting shock lashed in front of his son for having a few extra cans of beans.” she picks up her last clean bandage and unglues the ends, carefully placing it over the burn on Bellamy’s back. 

“Does that seem fair to you, Wells?”

“Clarke, you know that we’re only trying to do what’s best for everyone.”

“I’m sorry, chief, but I don’t think you’re succeeding.”

“Clarke, don’t be like this!” he reaches to take her hand that’s still on Bellamy’s back and when he does, Gus moves over and barks defensively.

“Don’t touch my dada!”

“Gus, it’s okay!” Clarke tries, unwilling to repeat the situation of him biting the red-haired boy with Wells. He could be so defensive when it came to protecting his family, just like his father.

“Don’t touch him! You’re bad!” he raises his hand and Wells retrieves his, completely stunned by his reaction.

Wells raises his hands and pulls back.

“Gus, he’s my friend, he won’t hurt him!” Clarke tries to explain and Gus, who’s resting his hands on his dad’s lower back looks between them in both confusion and fear.

He tries to consider Clarke’s words, sees that she seems honest but then turns to Wells.

“Don’t touch my dada!”

“I won’t, I promise!” Wells says and when Clarke looks at him she realizes why he seems so scary to Gus-he’s wearing his helmet, there’s a rifle strapped to his chest, he’s all dressed in black and the silver insignia on his arms signifying his rank looks more intimidating than that of a normal guard.

“Take off your helmet.” Clarke asks of him and Wells nods, gently pulling it off and revealing his face. He moves the rifle to his back and reaches out his glove hand.

“Hey, I won’t hurt you.” he tries explaining to Gus who won’t move an inch from his dad as if by simply standing there he could keep him safe “Or your dad.”

“You’re a wolf!” Gus blabs out and Clarke winces. 

That was the word Factory people used for the guard. She first heard it a few years back when there was a prisoner she had to threat in medbay after he got into a fight with the force when they were escorting him to a different cell.

He said “the wolves” jumped him, that it wasn’t his fault. Now when she had been spending the week here in Farm and Factory, the more she treated people, the more she heard them using that word too when they saw guards approaching their paths or wanted to explain why a station was blocked. 

Apparently, Gus had learned it too though she’s never heard Bellamy or Aurora use it.

“I’m here to protect you.” Wells tries to explain but Gus just shakes his head.

“You hurt my dada! You hit him!” all he could see was the uniform and he wasn’t wrong. 

When Clarke looked at Wells she too asked herself if she was seeing her best friend or a guard who’d punish her for breaking the laws.

“Gus, it’s okay.” Clarke tries to explain again “Wells won’t do you no harm, I promise.” at Clarke’s reassurance Gus sits back a little but he’s still looking at her best friend with wary eyes.

Just then the door opens and they both turn to find Aurora stepping in. Upon seeing them she stops, dead in her track, drops the basket of clothes she was carrying, probably extra work to do around after she took care of the boys and when her eyes fall on Wells and his rifled back, his guard uniform, she raises her hands in defense.

It’s like she expected him too shoot her the moment she stepped in, without explanation, without reason even.

Both Clarke and Wells stand up and Aurora doesn’t dare move.

“It’s okay, don’t worry, he won’t do anything to you!” Clarke is quick to respond this time, putting herself between Wells and Aurora before either one of them do something stupid.

Clarke nods at her once more as she approaches her and sees as the woman’s eyes fall to the mess around them before they end up on Bellamy who’s lying in the cot still unconscious and Gus, sitting before him in his tiny protecting self.

“What happened here?” she asks her voice breaking as she moves forward, desperate to get to her son “Bellamy!”

“Aurora, wait! Listen to me.” Clarke takes her hands in hers and pulls her aside before something bad can happen, explaining everything carefully while Wells stays a respectful distance away between the cot, the table and Clarke and Aurora. He seemed more uncomfortable and perplexed than Clarke’s ever seen him in her entire life.

“He got shock lashed?” Aurora’s own eyes well with tears “For what? Hoarding a few cans?”

“I’m sorry, I-”

“Hasn’t he been through enough already?” she’s so confused, like she can’t comprehend that this is happening. 

Aurora’s always been strong,taking everything with calmness and patience Clarke had rarely seen around especially in parents who had to watch their children in pain. But now she was angry too.

“I don’t understand, they turned this whole place up and tortured him for nothing!”

“I’ll help him. I patched him up and I’ll come by tomorrow and-”

“That won’t fix it!” Aurora shakes her head and looks behind Clarke where Wells is standing, her eyebrows furrowing. 

“Why is this happening? Why are you doing this to us?” she asked him and he opened his mouth to answer but nothing came out.

Aurora just shook her head and pulled away from Clarke, rushing to the cot where Bellamy was still blissfully asleep.

“Gwandma!” Gus reached out for her and she pulls him up in her arms sliding her hand down his back until something dawns on her wen she reaches his pants.

“Oh, Gus, what happened?”

“I’m sowwy, gwandma” Gus says pulling away slightly, blushing so much and refusing to meet her eyes as he stared at the floor and pushed half of his fist in his mouth like he did when he was too embarrassed.

 “Gus peed himself.”

Clarke winces and looks away herself-she didn’t notice, not when she was holding him anyway he was crying so badly and she was shaking herself. 

Maybe it didn’t even happen right away, maybe it was when she placed him next to Bellamy on the cot that he was finally relieved and let himself go. 

Either way she should’ve noticed.

“It’s okay, come on,we’ll change you!” Aurora pulls the curls away from his forehead and puts him on the floor “Go to the bathroom and take this off, grandma will be right there to help you wash up, okay?”

Gus looked between her and his dad, then Clarke and Wells as if his little brain was trying to figure out whether or not it’s safe to do what he was asked for.

“But I don’t want to leave dada!”

“Gus, it’s okay, you dad-” Clarke tries as she kneels before him and reaches out for him but he pulls back.

“Stop saying that! It’s not okay!” Gus cries out again “I won’t leave him!”

And just then when it was all getting to be too much of a mess, a faint hoarse voice breaks through the darkness surrounding them.

“Gus-” they all look around to find Bellamy’s one good eye opened up. 

The side of his face is still covered in blood and formula and he tries to push back to his side. The effort causes him to grunt and grip the side of the cot in a way to steady himself but Clarke can only imagine what his body’s going through right now. 

On top of that he coughs and it sounds so awful and strong that it almost sends him lying on his back but somehow even on a subconscious level he must know that it’ll hurt more because he manages to stay on his side.

The bad one.

With the broken ribs and the haphazardly put bandage that’s been ruined when he was tortured.

“Dada!” Gus forgets all about his wet pants, his fear and the dry tears on his cheeks and he climbs right there next to him, snuggling under his outstretched arm, shoving himself under it like a little dog under his mom’s warm embrace.

It reminded Clarke of the way she would climb into her parents’ bed and snuggle in between them when she had a bad nightmare.

But this wasn’t a nightmare for Gus or Bellamy.

It was real life.

The thought alone made her wince.

His face was so pale and ashen like she couldn’t see the freckles on them and his eyes were barely opened but when both Clarke and his mom kneeled next to him and Aurora cupped his cheek he looked up at her and coughed again.

“Mom?”

“I’m here.” he nods and Gus snuggles closer to his chest, burying his face in the crook of his neck. 

Bellamy’s hand falls down his side and finds the wetness of his pants. Despite his condition realization dawns on him and his eyes widen if just for the briefest of moments.

“Mom, he’s-”

“I’ll change him, don’t worry.” Bellamy doesn’t even manage a nod, he coughs again and the blood splashes on the empty uncovered mattress. 

Gus shakes with him, wrapped around his middle, cuddling to him as if his life depended on it, as if…by holding his dad, he’d stop the pain, stop the tremors, the shaking, the inevitable earthquakes shattering their lives.

Clarke reaches out to grab Bellamy’s hand and his eyes albet still dizzy focus on her.

“Are you okay?” he manages to ask and she wants to kick him for being worried about her in the moment he was coughing his lungs out, barely conscious from the blinding pain shooting through his body. 

“Did they hurt you?”

“They didn’t, I’m fine.” he smiles just a little which makes her even more angry but she decides that will be a fight, a speech for another day when he’s better and himself, when she can slap his neck and tell him he’s an idiot, who can’t risk his life for her anymore.

Now his face twists in pain again and she tightens her grip on his hand.

“Where does it hurt?”

“Everywhere.” he manages with a sigh. 

Aurora seems to be on the verge of her strength when he says that, seeing how bad he is and upon touching his forehead again and finding it burning, emmanating heat she closes her eyes and Clarke can see her mentally praying for something to just happen, for him to get better.

“He’s burning…” she whispers looking up at Clarke “I don’t know what to do.”

Something settles in Clarke’s expression then and she remembers something, digging through the pockets of her jumpsuit, she finds the small orange bottle with her painkillers in the front one and opens it up.

“Here, I got two left.” she hands it to Aurora “I gave the rest of them away when I was patching people up so this is the best I can do now but tomorrow…I’ll figure something out.”

“Thank you.”

“Give one now and the other tomorrow. It won’t fix it, but it’ll dull the pain somewhat.”

“And the fever? The cough?” Aurora asks and Clarke doesn’t have answers for that-she didn’t have any antibiotics, not even simple fever medication like Tylenol or Aspirin. She had nothing to give him.

“Try to cool him with some wet towels. If it gets too bad take him to the field hospital.”

“In Mekka? Clarke, he can’t walk, I-” Aurora shakes her head “What if he doesn’t make it?”

“He will.” Clarke squeezes her hand this time as much as she hates leaving Bellamy’s fingers “I’ll make sure of it.”

Aurora doesn’t look like she believes any of her promises but she doesn’t really have much of a choice.

“Clarke, we should go, it’s close to curfew.” Wells who Clarke had almost forgotten about announces after clearing his throat. 

He seemed…different after the exchange, he looked as if he was trying very hard to figure out what he was witnessing and Clarke hoped he had some understanding and compassion, maybe that he’ll even realize how wrong it is what he and his dad were putting this people through.

“Go, I got him.” Aurora agrees but she doesn’t look at Wells, she still seems too scared to but Clarke gives her a brief hug before she leans over to Bellamy, tucks away a few of his curls and though his eyes are closed and he’s probably passed out again, she whispers.

“Hold on for me, okay?”

He doesn’t answer, he simply can’t and as they leave Clarke’ll never forget the sight of them that night-the room completely turned upside down, food and ripped clothes all over the floor, drawers and cupboards emptied and then Bellamy, lying helplessly in the cot, Gus curled up to his chest and Aurora kneeling by her son’s side clutching his hand and running her fingers through his messy curls, whispering something Clarke couldn’t make out.

Clarke’s never felt more guilty.

Once in the hallways she loses track of time or place, they pass through the borders with ease with Wells by her side, they don’t even check her ID when he tells them she’s with him and he’s taking her to Alpha. All of them salute and congratulate him on capturing two more of the Arrowhead members.

It’s all a blur to her, her mind goes back to Bellamy, the way he hit the guard to distract him from her and save her life.

Again.

And then his body arching at every shock lash and him biting his lips so hard they drew blood.

This wasn’t fair. He didn’t deserve this.

She doesn’t realize that they’re not taking the way home to her apartment until it’s too late and she finds herself in the guard’s headquarters.

“Wells-” she stops abruptly and suddenly takes a step back, feeling the dread crawl its way in down her spine “What are we doing here?”

Maybe he forgot something that he needed to take, maybe he wanted to give her a fresh change of clothes before she went home in case she met her mom or dad down the hallways and they asked her why she looked like this or maybe he just wanted them to talk but…but why here?

“Come on-” he takes her elbow and nods to the guards that open the main doors for them, looking curiously at the chief of guards walking down a woman dressed like she’s from Factory-they seemed impressed and Clarke quickly realized why.

They thought he was handling a prison situation himself. They were proud of their leader working side by side with them-it’s something Wells always insisted on doing-being side by side with his brothers.

“No! Let me go!”

“Don’t fight me!” he says through teeth when he realizes they’re bringing the attention of the other guards down the hallway with her behavior. She still fights him, pulls back, tries to get away from his grip.

What the hell was he doing?

“I’m trying to help you!”

“By arresting me?”

“I’m not arresting you, we’ll just talk in my quarters-you, me and your parents. I already told one of the boys to get them here.”

“Wells, no! Please, don’t!”

“This is for your own good.”

“You don’t know what’s good for me!” she pulls away and tries to fight him back but his grip on her elbow is so strong she can feel it bruise.

“Sir, is there a problem here? Do you need a hand?”one of the guards steps up, hands wrapped around the rifle on his chest.

“I got it, Yanek, thank you.” Wells assures as he keeps dragging her down the corridor, not allowing her to stop afraid of what she may do or say but instead taking a sharp left turn and pushing her in his office.

“Let me go!” she bumps hard into his chest as she tries to get to the door behind “Wells, please! What are you doing? You’re my friend!”

“It is because I am your friend that I’m doing this.” he grabs her by the arms and shakes her as if he wanted to will her to go back to her senses “Don’t you see it, Clarke? You could’ve seriously gotten hurt today! Nobody knew who you are down there! And if they did it’d have been worse-you could be kidnapped or killed and for what?”

“For helping my friend!” she bites back, stumbling forward again, trying to get away from him, but his arms are strong on hers and she, for the first time in her life, finds herself scared of her best friend.

“That man is not your friend.”

“You know nothing about who he is!” she barks back raising her voice, not caring if there’s someone out there who could hear him, not caring about a damn thing at all.

Wells saw this, the fearlessness in her eyes, the complete disregard of the consequences and his eyes widened.

“You’re being reckless!”

“I’m being human!” she jabs her finger in his chest and finds him so stunned that he finally lets his arms drop from hers and stumble back “Something you seem to have forgotten!”

“Clarke-” he shakes his head “This isn’t right.”

“So what? You’ll arrest me?”

“Clarke!”

“Go ahead!” she pulls out her wrists at him completely unabashed “Do it!”

He reaches out and grabs her wrists taking a step forward and looking right into her piercing blue eyes.

“You know I won’t do that.” she wants to ask him why? They just did it to Bellamy. They just shock lashed him ten times for hoarding two cans of beans and a formula box for his three year old son. She did far worse-she crossed borders without permission and using fake IDs, she jumped from station to station when half the Ark was on lock down and she was not supposed to leave Alpha?

Her crimes were far worse.

But she’d be spared.

“But if you keep doing this-” there’s warning in his voice “Then I won’t have a choice.”

He lets go of her hands and they fall by her side helplessly.

“Are you going to report me?”

“You know I have to.” she smiles sadly as she watches him move to his desk and sit down, shoveling through his folders and gesturing her to come and sit on the chair opposite of him. She doesn’t have anywhere to run to, knows she can’t fight this. Her mom and dad were on the way and Wells had the power to prevent her from leaving the station which is probably what was at the top of his priorities right now.

She sits down and leans back on the chair thinking how lately she’s been more hopeless than ever, always wondering why this or that was happening, how come she couldn’t do nothing to fight it. But she had and now she was supposed to pay for it and she realized, she does not regret it for one single second.

And no matter what they do today, she’ll keep pushing for there was a man lying helplessly in his cot, burning up, coughing, in the horrible in between of death and life and there was a boy, curled up by his side, sobbing and praying for his dad to be okay.

For them, she’d fight.

Chapter 10

Notes:

A/N: Two chapters in one day, I hope you don't mind! This one is heavy too! I'm sorry for not posting new things in a while but here it is!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Edit: I also want to reiterate once more that this is NOT a particularly happy story. Are there happy moments? Yes, there will be, those of you who have followed me on Tumblr know this, I have spoiled some of it even but the sad I believe prevails because I am a sad fella who writes sad stuff. Sometimes I wonder why I keep sharing it if it's that sad for people and sometimes I wonder if I should keep doing it at all.

However, please keep this in mind when you proceed with it.

“Easy there, mister Gerard, you’ll be just fine the moment I fix that shoulder, I promise.” Clarke was helping the elderly man from Alpha, who also happened to be a a retired councilmen on the cot in medbay.

She could see her mom hovering behind her, helping the patient on the other cot-a young girl again from Alpha, who’d just given birth last night but was whining over the fact that her bed was too uncomfortable and apparently it made her back hurt more.

Clarke squeezed her eyes shut when she heard her demand another pillow from her mother.

God, these people had no idea what they actually had. 

She had been spending the last two days in medbay, working under her mother’s stern eyes after the incident at the Blakes where Wells found her and brought her to his quarters.

Her parents, most of all her mother, was appalled at her behavior.

They argued loudly, fought like they’ve never before and if Wells wasn’t her childhood friend, Clarke might’ve even been a little ashamed of showing him all their dirty laundry but he seemed unabashed and in fact very much supportive of her mother.

Jake Griffin had been taking it a lot more stoically but it was clear that though he knew she had been sneaking out, he was unhappy with the fact that she almost got hurt and arrested by guards in Factory, only because she was so adamant to help the people there.

Or at least that's what Clarke said.

He knew his daughter better.

And when later that night they finally came home after all the preaching and decision making in the Guard’s headquarters and Wells had forbidden all her access to other stations, especially to Factory, taken away her fake ID (though she still had her other three) after determining that she’d spend her time in medbay under her mom’s observation as a punishment and remain in Alpha for the next three weeks, Jake had come to her room.

She was exhausted, still wearing the Factory jumpsuit and she was so damn angry that she was being punished for something that every medic in Alpha should be striving to do, that she wanted to scream and yell and toss everything, destroy her room like they had destroyed Bellamy and Gus’ as if that way she could get even a fraction of their pain and help them carry the burden.

But all she ended up doing was curl up on her bed, bury her face in the pillows and cry.

Cry for Gus who had been tossing in her arms, begging her to let him go so he can help his dad.

Cry for Bellamy who was in unimaginable pain and could barely recognize them.

Cry for Aurora who was at a loss about what to do with her son, who was slowly fading away right before her eyes.

Cry that she couldn’t be there with them.

She was feeling so desperate she barely heard her dad open the door of her room but she did acknowledge him sitting on her bed and wrapping his big hand around her shoulder. 

“Clarke-” he called her gently but she didn’t respond, instead she tried to shake him off. “Come on,kid, talk to me.”

“There’s nothing to say.” she finally lets out and this time when he tugs her shoulder she lets him roll her over and push her head to his lap.

Her tears streamed down and soaked his pants but she wasn’t ashamed of being a big girl crying on her dad’s lap.

After everything that she’s seen in the past few weeks she couldn’t care less if she looked weak.

“This boy...” he says after a while as he keeps stroking her head “He means something to you, doesn’t he?” 

“He’s my friend.” she whispers back hoarsely, her voice growing weaker with every tear that escaped her eye.

“Do you think there’s maybe more to it?” Clarke’s so stunned by the question that she freezes under her dad’s touch and closes her eyes.

Was there more?

Maybe, she hadn’t given herself the chance to actually think much about it but she knew she cared for Bellamy and Gus more than she did for any other patient she had ever treated.

She loved them, she did and she wanted to help them but though every time his hand touched hers and every time he smiled or thanked her or let her hold him, there was a feeling nestling in her heart-a different one, a warmer, kinder, softer one that consumed her entire body, she was afraid to think too much about it.

And though she wasn’t sure how he felt, she had a feeling maybe this meant more than a friendship to him too but it was different for him-he has had a wife he loved dearly and he had a son to take care of.

He’d have true love in his life and Clarke’s had one night stands, a brief girlfriend when she was in high school and then there was Finn who broke her heart and almost proposed to her while being engaged to another girl already.

No, she shook her head.

She was broken already and Bellamy had other things on his mind, his son being his first priority.

Then there was the fact that they came from different worlds and this just couldn’t work.

But still she didn’t give her dad a definitive answer.

Instead, she simply shrugged and buried her nose in his stomach, seeking his warmth and letting him hold her in his arms.

Her mom was so angry she refused to speak to her outside of work, insisting on probably giving her a lesson and though she couldn’t control her actions at home, she very much insisted on watching her every movement like a hawk in medbay.

It’s been a while since Clarke had worked in the hospital and she remembered now why she left.

She didn’t mind the tension or constant work that came with having an ER or the surgeries, not that her mom let her in on any of them (yet another punishment) but it was more just the staff...the personnel.

Most of the nurses and doctors were from Alpha and the patients were mainly from there, Hydra or Mekka.

Factory and Farm could rarely afford coming to medbay, which is why they had become creative in their ways of survival.

Clarke chose to become a GP exactly for that reason-so she could help people from all stations, not just whining grandmas or guards who got some bruises while training or girls from the high societies that demanded better pillows.

She saw her privilege truly now for the first time-the way those from Alpha and the higher stations lived like royalties even in the hospital, ouching from the smallest of aches and receiving the best food Farm station could produce just for their needs, just to nurse them back to perfect health.

It disgusted her-the perfectness, whiteness of it all.

Sheets were constantly being changed, floors wiped clean. She had only got her white gown dirty once-when they drove in a guard who had been stabbed by an old woman in Farm because he hit her husband while trying to search him.

It was barely a nick and yet the guard had been visited by Wells personally, wished a speed recovery and then received five meals a day instead of just three as a prize for his good services and protecting the people of Arkadia.

That day her mind had gone back to Bellamy and how he was barely breathing lying on the cold unmade bed.

He hadn’t eaten in two days when the incident with Morgan happened just so he could save more cans for the days to come. Just so Gus would have enough.

It made her shake with anger.

But also put a plan in motion. 

That night when she came home and locked the door behind her, the first thing she did was use the intercom and call Bellamy’s place. Maybe she couldn’t cross the border physically but she could still talk to them.

It had been Aurora who answered, showing up on the small video screen looking exhausted.

From what Clarke could see the place still looked a little ruffled but most of the mess was cleared up. Bellamy was lying on his now made bed looking asleep and Gus was curled up with a book on his side, in a much similar position as the way Clarke had left them in yesterday.

“How is he?” was Clarke’s first question. Aurora briefly looked back at her son’s sleeping figure before turning back to her.

“He’s bad. His cough got worse and his fever spiked last night.”

As if on queue Bellamy coughs behind them and Clarke winces upon hearing him.

It comes to her then-a way to help him.

She makes Aurora take him to the field hospital that same night, not wasting a second and promises she’ll try to come in the next day or two. It won’t be worse out there for him-if anything at least Jackson could be there to help.

And she had the chance to warn him about it.

Every morning the field hospital doctors from the other stations came to medbay for supplies.

Yesterday she volunteered to be in charge of helping them out and then doing inventory in the small warehouse attached to the medbay.

It was a tedious task that no one wanted to do and her mother was happily surprised when Clarke offered it, thinking that maybe, just maybe she could use the time to think over everything she’s done and learn.

She had no idea Clarke was cataloging every antibiotic they had, checked all the vials with the painkillers, all the pills, bandages, antiseptic materials and written it down in a sort of table sheet provided by her mom.

Now she knew exactly which medication she could switch for antibiotics. How she could fill in the vials with cough syrup or blood thinner medicine instead and steal three of the ones she needed.

That morning when she saw Jackson she pulled him aside while handing him extra bandages and helped him order them in his med bag.

“Did Aurora bring Bellamy?” she asked quietly.

“Her and this other man dragged him in last night.” he looks around checking if someone’s listening to them “He’s bad Clarke, I’m not sure there’s much I can do for him.”

“That’s okay, I can.” she whispers back “You coming tomorrow night as well right? For more supplies?” he nods giving her a confused look.

“What are you up to?”

“Make sure you come around at six and not a minute after or before. My shift ends then and we’ll leave together.”

“Leave where?”

“You’ll see.” Clarke squeezes his wrist briefly and then leaves.

Now here she was, taking care of an old ex-guard who fell from the ladder while trying to fix a patch in the ceiling on his own, breaking his arm and stabbing himself on one of the screws that his wife was handing up to him so he could get one of the panels loose and fix the small hole himself.

“You done stitching him up?” she hears her mother’s voice behind her just as she’s about to tie the last row of stitches on Gerard’s side.

His arm is still twisted in an unnatural position and he’s whining like a kid who’s had their ice cream fallen on the floor.

“Almost.” Clarke assures when Gerard whines again. Clarke almost feels pleasure for making him squirm underneath her.

“You gave him painkillers?” Abby comes to his other side and puts her hand on his shoulder.

“Of course I did.” Clarke finishes up the stitches and picks up a bandage to cover up the cut that was so superficial that on normal circumstances she’d just wrap it up in a good bandage and tell him to stay off of his feet for a few days but since he was an ex guard he had the right to demands and special treatment like painkillers and stitches. 

“It’s okay, mister Gerard, we’re almost done.” Abby assures him and gives Clarke a serious look “Let’s fix the shoulder, shall we?”

“I can leave it up to you if you want?” Clarke had gotten good at that too-the scheming, the tripping of her own mother who always doubted her and her abilities, always questioned her, who hovered around her like a hawk whenever she had been a lead on a surgery.

It was often the source of many of their fights-Abby’s inability to just let her go but also-her lack of believe in her own daughter.

Like she couldn’t treat a simple shoulder dislocation.

Even though they both knew she was a perfect doctor, far exceeding her in many ways.

Clarke’s aced her exams better than her mom, her internship was stellar and pushed her in for an early graduation into the doctor program and once she decided to specialize in orthopedics instead of neuroscience like Abby, that had been the last straw between the two of them.

Then there was Clarke giving up her job in medbay and going into being a GP which infuriated Abby to no end.

Clarke couldn’t get it-she was mad that she was better than her one moment and telling her she’s wasting her potential the next-it was frankly exhausting.

“No, go ahead.” Abby helped Gerard sit up and Clarke knew she’d watch carefully how she does this, probably desperate to scold her on her methods but Clarke pops it with ease and when Gerard screams she gets so annoyed by it, she actually wished she could walk right off. 

The guy was pathetic. 

It wasn’t even a bad dislocation. It wouldn’t require a sling.

Bellamy has had about five of those before his shoulder got bad and he went onto work the next day like nothing had happened.

This guy would lay in bed and make his wife put wet towels on his forehead for two weeks while all his friends and family send him flowers and food, wishing for a speedy recovery.

“Sorry, mister Gerard, it had to be done.” she apologizes, still playing into her act perfectly.

If she was about to do what she was about to do tonight, she had to leave no doubt in her mother’s eyes that she was truly regretful about sneaking into Factory and almost getting herself killed.

The man whines, he is in fact crying when they put him back down and Clarke steps away to clean her hands as her mom takes off her stethoscope and listens to Gerard’s lungs, then feels his forehead with her hand.

“He’s warm, you should give him antibiotics in case the wound gets infected.”

The wound would never get infected-Clarke knew that-she had cleaned it up carefully and stitched it so methodically that she knew whoever had to take them out was in for a real treat.

If Gerard was warm it was because he was stressed out and scared like a kid before their first shots, not because he was starting to show signs of infection.

But nonetheless, this presented the perfect opportunity to her.

It’s why she had chosen to treat the old fool when he was brought in, knowing that he would be the best patient for the job-an old guard who’d demand privilege, who’d be over treated for a wound that was not so serious. 

“Okay” Clarke agrees and even manages to flash a warm smile at her mom before leaning over to mister Gerard “I’ll go get you the vials and maybe something for the pain, sir. Can you hang on until I’m back?”

The man manages a nod but doesn’t thank her even though she spend the last hour treating a whining sixty three year old baby. He thought he deserved it all and he saw her as a mere medic woman who had to kiss the ground he walked on because he served and protected the people of the ark.

What a pile of bullshit.

Clarke’s about to leave when her mom catches her wrist and forces her to turn back. She expected a scolding, maybe a lecture on how to better do her stitches next time-not so tight, "Clarke, or do you want to tear the skin even more? Ease up!” but instead her mom took a deep breath like she was preparing for something important before meeting her eyes.

“That was good work, Clarke.” she says and Clarke feels like something’s crawling up her skin “I know it’s hard for you to be here but I’m very pleased with the skills you’re showing.”

In Abby’s world, that was as close to "I love you" as you could get.

“Thanks, mom.” another fake smile, another shallow squeeze of her mother’s old and bony hands.

What a contrast it was to Aurora’s swollen, full-of-tiny holes from the constant sewing and blisters fingers. 

The memory alone was enough for Clarke to shake the guilt making it’s way down her spine and keep her smile steady.

“Go ahead, your shift’s almost over, I’ll give him the antibiotics.”

“No, I’ll do it myself.” Clarke assures a little too fast, maybe too insistant and she winces at her own stupidity. Her mom couldn’t notice that something was off.

“I took him in and I want to be the one to finish it.” her mom eyes her curiously for a moment but then something in Clarke’s look must make her believe she’s genuine because she relaxes “Plus nurse Reese will need my help with the medical supplies for the field hospitals and I promised her I’ll stay and help.”

That seems to be the last push that completely convinces her mom because she cups her cheek and nods.

“Good, then I’ll go prep for my surgery” that was another plus in Clarke’s plan-Abby had to deal with a woman who’s gotten a head injury in the attacks and who needed additional surgery after the initial one.

Honestly, it was like the universe itself was trying to help Clarke.

Or maybe it was her sheer stubbornness alone that willed the circumstances to order in such a way.

Her mom disappears down the hallway and she uses the time when everyone else from the staff is busy helping patients to sneak into the storage room and find the antibiotics vials.

She takes out the vials she prepared yesterday, filling them with cough and blood pressure medicine to achieve the same yellowy-honey color that the antibiotics had.

In all honesty she wasn’t sure this would work on Bellamy-those were not the strongest antibiotics but she couldn’t risk taking the big guns, knowing that then someone would surely notice if she exchanged cough syrup for real medicine.

So she had to make do and hope Bellamy survived.

She puts the real vials in a small pocket on the inside of the plaid shirt that she wore under her white gown and takes the fakes out, heading to Gerard’s bed and whispering calming reassuring words to him just as his wife too made an appearance, bringing his favorite pillow and blanket so he could rest comfortably through the night.

Jackson and the other doctors come up at about ten to six and she helps nurse Reese distribute the supplies which takes up the exact time for her shift to end.

She’s just reached the end of the doctor’s line where Jackson was again pretending to put an order in some of the bandages in his medical bag when she approached him.

“Need some more moonshine and antisepctics, doctor Jackson?” she asks loudly so that nurse Reese would hear her. Jackson throws her an innocent look but when she leans down he smiles.

“I’d very much appreciate it, doctor Clarke.” 

“I’m done here, Clarke, I’ll see you tomorrow?” nurse Reese asks when she finishes up her job and Clarke shoots her the sweet soft smile of a privileged Alpha girl before bidding her goodbye.

“What are you up to?” Jackson asks quietly, the other doctors are still around, fixing their bags, talking to each other mostly, discussing cases and ways to treat wounds.

Clarke reaches out and shows him her inner pocket.

“Is that-” she nods and grabs his hand.

“I need you to take me to him.”

“Clarke-” Jackson groans exasperated as if already regretting what he’s gotten himself into but she knew, she trusted that she’d help him. He had been there when Bellamy was first brought in by Aurora and he had always been the kindest of the doctor’s she’s worked with.

There was a reason why he volunteered at the field hospitals-he had a heart unlike the pricks in medbay.

Clarke counted on that. She had to.

It was the only thing that would take her off to Bellamy.

“I know it’s dangerous.”

“Dangerous! If someone finds out that I’ve treated one of my patients with antibiotics that I am not allowed to have in the first place, they’ll have my head!”

“They won’t find out!” she assures “And it won’t be you who does it-it’ll be me. That’s why you need to sneak me in.” he sighs and bows his head down.

Clarke’s heart leaps in her chest.

What if he said no?

“This is stupid” he finally utters “What if someone here figures out you stole them? You’ll be suspended if not forbidden to practice medicine!”

“Let me worry about that.”

“Is it really a risk worth taking?” he asks through teeth, clearly he’s scared.

She knew that he realized well enough that if someone figured out Bellamy was treated they could blame him even if he plays innocent and never tells them what truly happened.

He could lose his own job, maybe even be demoted and moved to live in another station.

Or worse-floated, which Clarke hoped would never be an option to consider.

Doctors and nurses were usually spared even if they committed crimes. 

“Tell me-” she swallows hard as she moves so that they’re both with their backs to the other doctors, pretending to be helping him with his bag ignoring his question because yes, of course.

Of course it was worth it.

For Bellamy and Gus it was worth a thousand times this danger.

“Tell me he can make it without this and I won’t come.”

She knew he was bad.

Jackson had told her so yesterday after spending the night trying to keep Bellamy among the living.He had developed pneumonia despite her best efforts and his strained body, the wounds, the broken bones, the torture, the lack of food and any proper nutrition in the past months was proving to be all working against him-he was weakened and it was a miracle he was still alive at all. 

Jackson sighs and she can see that he’s clearly struggling with his own demons, his consciousness. Clarke was glad she knew someone who had one at all or Bellamy wouldn’t stand a chance.

“And if they catch me?”

“Then you can say it’s me.” she had been expecting this question but Jackson clearly didn’t think she’d give him that answer. His eyes widen.

“Clarke-”

“You have the right to betray me. I’ll be okay-my mom and dad are in the council, even if they arrest me, I’ll probably still make it.”

“You can’t be sure of that. Not with the way things are after the attack.” she squeezes his wrist in reassurance.

“I’ll be fine.”

“I won’t be able to change your mind, will I?” she shakes his head and Jackson takes a moment, staring at his bag before finally he seems to reach a decision “Fine. But we need a good plan.”

Clarke smiles devilishly.

“I already have one.”

 

---

 

“Please make way sir, I found her passed out in one of the hallways, she needs help right away!” Jackson explains to the guard at the border who thankfully is yet another young boy who’s patrolling with an older mentor that is very much to their luck occupied by searching the bags of a Farm station family for stolen rations.

Clarke’s dressed in Farm clothing this time, after her mom and dad took away her disguise and her Factory Eliza Bennett ID, so she was left with her Farm and Arrow station options. She decided to keep the Arrow one for rainy days since she had only used it twice when passing through, so it was safer for future use. 

Her jean overalls and the same plaid shirt she had been wearing before were covered in blood on her left side, she had paled her face with powder, splashed some water on her forehead to imitate sweat and yelled out from the pain as Jackson held her in his arms.

The story was he found her on his way back from medbay, not knowing who attacked her but assuming they did so to pick pocket her or in hopes she’d take them home and give away food. 

An Arrowhead trying to find a new hiding place, Jackson spoke in hushes to the guard, or a desperate poor person from Factory in need of supplies.

“Do you think she has an ID in her still, sir?” the boy who seemed to be paling by the minute the more Clarke yelled and begged for help in the most dramatical of ways, asked. “I can’t let you pass without one.”

“Doctor!” Clarke groans clutching at her side covered in ketchup she stole from her parent’s place the last time she went there for dinner. “Please, it hurts!”

Jackson almost wanted to roll his eyes at the theatrics but he would give her that-she was doing a great job at it.

“Here, I found it in her front pocket.” Jackson hands it over, hands “bloody” too. “Please, just hurry!”

The boy seems to grow even paler upon seeing Jackson’s bloody hand because he just raises his hand and looks away.

"Thank god for weak mama’s boys from Alpha making it into the guards", Clarke thought. 

“That’s okay, on second thought, I’d just take a look and-” the boy peaks at the photo on the ID and Clarke’s face that’s twisted in pain as she gripped Jackson’s white coat and moaned quietly, giving the boy the biggest puppy face she could, opening her eyes and twisting her mouth in pain. 

“There’s no need to scan it, it’s her! Pass through, doctor and the best of luck!”

“Thank you, sweet boy! May god bless your good heart!” Farm people had a religion of sorts, Clarke knew that, kept from the old Earth days and preserved by the descendants of the first members, so she was smart enough to throw that in just as a last touch to her act, making sure the boy will believe she truly is from Farm.

The guard smiled but waved his hand off at them to keep going, clearly unable to keep standing at the sight of blood.

“Did you really have to cry that loud? I think you pierced my ear drums.” Jackson uttered through teeth as they kept going down the hallways and into the field hospital. Most of the staff was nurses and a few medics but they were so busy they did little to notice Jackson and his “patient”.

Still they had to keep the act as there were guards in the hallways here and there and they could be stopped for a random check up again.

“I had to keep up appearances.” Clarke whispered back after Jackson makes it through the front doors of the hospital, but keeps to the shadows of the walls. The place was big but very badly lit which right now worked in their favour.

It was best if no one noticed him coming in with her though their plan for later was that he’d patch her up and send her off across the border again, preferably at latest tomorrow afternoon. Clarke had the morning off but she had to report on duty at medbay for an early night shift. 

“Where’s he?” she perks up from Jackson’s embrace but he pulls her head back to his chest, scolding her. One of the nurses passing by eyes him and stops in her track while carrying a trey of bloody bandages and scissors.

“Doctor Jackson, you’re back!” she says softly “Did you get us more supplies?”

“Most certainly did, Helen, I’ll leave them in the storage room.”

“Are you okay, is that-” her eyes fall on Clarke and she hurries to pull her head back to Jackson’s embrace, hiding it away.

“Just a patient I found out in the hallways, I’ll treat her right away.” Jackson assures tightening his grip on Clarke’s arms and knees in his momentary panic. Clarke knew how scared he was-this was no joke-one wrong move and it would all go to hell.

“Do you maybe need some help, I just finished surgery with doctor James but-”

“Oh, no Helen, I got it, it’s not too bad, I can stitch up the wound myself. The woman’s just too scared.” Jackson assures but Clarke can feel the hesitation in the way the nurses lingers on “Go ahead, get rest, you’ve been here what? Twelve hours?”

“Fourteen, sir.”

“Then it’s time you went home.” Jackson gives her one last nod and adds a warm smile that seems to convince the nurse in his pure and kind intentions as a superintendent who cared for his subordinates because she thanks him, excuses herself and goes on.

“That was close.” he whispers as he takes her to another corner and then does a sharp turn to the left into a bigger hall. 

“You may have an admirer in that one.” Clarke jokes.

“It’s too bad I don’t like girls.” 

“Does she not know it?” Jackson shrugs.

“I don’t have time for any explanations  with everything going on around here, Clarke.” she nods in understanding and feels stupid for even commenting on it but she was trying to lighten the mood sensing how tense he was the entire time since they left medbay.

She closes her eyes as he keeps carrying her, thinking how if something went truly wrong, she’d put Jackson and his career in danger. Clarke knew it before, a risk that she had to take, but she never considered the realities of it all until they started going through with her plan. 

“We’re almost here, you can walk now-” he looks around before dropping her to her feet. Then he takes out the sweater they hid in his med bag and hands it to her so she can cover the red ketchup stain on her clothes-they didn’t need the unncessary attention.

Clarke quickly slips it on and looks around-the second room of the mess hall was still full of endless rows of sick people lying hopelessly even on mattresses on the floor as cots seemed to not be enough.

The light was even worse here and she found herself almost completely covered in darkness.

Jackson takes her by the elbow and nods in the nearest corner.

“Come on, he’s right over here.”

Clarke knew why he chose that corner now-he could hide Bellamy away from prying eyes but it also proved to be of great cover for her. That or maybe he didn’t have a choice when Bellamy was brought in and this was the only free space.

When they finally get to him, she finds him lying on a mattress, not a cot, covered with a thin blue blanket, no sheets underneath him, just an old yellowy pillow. The only light was coming from the right and it illuminated his face enough to show Clarke that his forehead was covered in sweat, his curls were stuck to it, he was pale and shaking-eyes barely opened.

“Bellamy!” she rushes to him and kneels down on the cold floor, taking his hand in one of hers and cupping his face only to find it burning worse than the last time she was with him.

He coughed and the sound of it made Clarke shiver-god when did it get so bad, he could barely take a breath. 

“Bellamy, hey, wake up!” she gently patted his cheek but he only barely opened his eyes, just a crack before another cough shook him.

“Mom?”

“No, it’s me-” she bit back her tears “Clarke.” at that he pulls all his effort into opening them up.

He manages to squeeze her hand in return, showing her his recognition but being too weak to speak.

“Hey.” she leaned closer to his face “Hey, it’s okay, I’ll help you.” 

“Clarke?” he manages when another cough shakes him and his head falls to the side but she catches it with her hand, letting him succumb to her touch “Is it...is it really...you?”

“He’s delusional from the fever-” Jackson says, joining in on the other side of the mattress and taking out his stethoscope, handing it to her, knowing full well she’ll need to know for herself how bad it truly was. They never got the chance to bring in any of her own medical supplies so she had to use his, including a syringe to insert the first vial. “He’s been asking for his mom, Gus-I think that’s his son and someone named Gina.”

“That’s his wife.” Clarke says with a wince as she puts the stethoscope on and pulls down the blanket. The place was cold and Bellamy was already shaking from the raging fever so hard that when she pulled up his shirt to press the stethoscope to his chest, he sucked in a breath and arched his back-as if her touch alone was too much for him to bear. “She’s dead.”

Jackson nods solemnly and starts taking out more bandages and moonshine from his bag and Clarke doesn’t have the heart to ask if he had been calling out her name too. Maybe he hasn’t, after all-she wasn’t his family, she was just a friend. 

She shook her head.

That didn’t matter-she had to focus on helping him. That’s why she was here after all.

“Hey, can you try and breathe in for me?” Clarke asks Bellamy picking up his face again and making him look at her. He manages a small nod and takes in a deep breath but it just ends up in another coughing fit and Jackson has to take his shoulder and keep him down while Clarke tries to do her work. 

“Jackson, he’s barely putting any air in.” she says when she finally takes off the stethoscope and her fingers thread over his broken ribs that were wrapped in a bandage that must be at least a few days old, probably Aurora’s doing judging by the way it was so loosely tied up. “How bad is the fever?”

“104 last night.” he said shaking his head “I gave him some Tylenol but it barely brought it down. I’ll find you a termometer from one of the nurses.”

Clarke nods in gratitude but her eyes slide down Bellamy’s trembling body. His eyes are closed again and she knows he’s probably drifting in and out of consciousness all the time.

“No more cots?” 

“We’re all out.”

“He’s shaking like a leaf, Jackson.”

“I get that but I have nothing else to spare, so-” he apologizes “I’m sorry, Clarke, this is how things are around here. I’ve done the best I can for him.”

“I know, I know-” she reaches out to squeeze her friends hand “Thank you.”

“Has he had anything to eat or drink?” she asks when she adjusts the blanket over Bellamy’s chest. He was wearing nothing but a t-shirt that had holes around the sleeves and blue washed out sweat pants.

He didn’t even have socks and the blanket was so short that if she pulled it up his chest, his feet were out exposed to the cold air and if she moved it down, his shivers got worse.

“His mom was here in the morning and I think he managed a few spoons of algae but nothing else.” Clarke briefly closes her eyes imagining Aurora struggling to help Bellamy eat “There’s water in a small reservoir just down the hallway to the left-you can grab some from there and I’ll try to bring in some bread later on. You can give him some if he manages to stay awake long enough to eat.”

“Thank you.”

“Here’s some bandages and rags-” he takes them out of his bag and hides them under the mattress on his side “You’ll need a syringe, right?” she nods and he takes one out handing it to her. She hides it in her pocket just in case someone was watching.

“I need to go take a look at my other patients. Try to keep away from the lights. If the nurses come around here, lay low and if they see you, pretend to be a patient, waiting for me to come patch you up.”

“I got it, Jackson.”

“I also need to take these-” he gestures at the stethoscope and she hands it over. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, I can hear how bad his lungs are without one anyway.”

Jackson reaches out and squeezes her arm.

“Hey, don’t lose hope. From what I’ve seen this boy’s stubborn-” he tilts his head to the side “Maybe he’ll pull through.”

“Yeah-” Clarke reaches out to touch Bellamy’s cheek and give him a soft look even though he couldn’t see it, eyes still closed “Maybe.”

Jackson gives her one last look in support before he finally leaves and Clarke’s left to her own devices with a barely conscious Bellamy. 

She takes a moment to assess his overall condition besides the pneumonia, deciding she needs to know everything before she gives him the antibiotics in case there’s something else going on but everything’s still pretty much in the same condition it was before-his leg is more or less irresponsive to her touch except on the places it was before after the attack, his back is still bad and she changes the bandages there-the one from the shrapnel that’s thankfully starting to heal and the one from the shock lashes that is still a horrible ugly yellow and red, swollen and painfully blistered.

It takes her a lot of effort to roll him to his side, he’s heavy despite his malnourished state but the worst is he has little control of his body because of his state.

She struggles to wet a cloth and press it to his blistered back but when she does, he exhales a little, as if some of the pain left his body even for a brief moment and with his face pressed to her stomach like that, she feels his ragged breath on her. 

“Hey, you’re okay.” she whispers when she bandages the blisters and puts him back on his back.

She knew it hurt but putting him on his side now would do no good to his breathing, not with his ribs being so fucked up like that and he seemed to be in less pain laying down than on his side anyway so she chooses that option. “I’ll help you.” there’s very little recognition in his eyes when she starts cleaning the inside of his arm and searching for a good vein in the darkness.

He moans at her touch, shivers even more and coughs again.

“You have to keep still, okay?” she asks of him when she fills in the syringe with half the vial.

She had to ration if she had to have any hopes in helping him so she decided half now-half later that night. He should at least get a little more responsive if the medicine kicks in and the fever gets somewhat down. 

“Please, try to keep still.” she begs of him and his eyes fall on her.

She’s not sure he understands what she’s saying but he must get at least some part of it right because he wills his body to stop shaking so hard and when she’s about to insert the needle, she sees him biting his lips hard and trying not to cough.

He still shivers lightly when the needle pierces his skin and she remembers how afraid he was of those.

“Here you go, just a second okay-” she pushes in the butt of the needle and the liquid spills in his body “You’re doing great, I’m almost done.” she promises and when she’s finally done she picks up some cotton to press it to the small hole and ties up a band aid over. “See, it’s over? Just a tiny nick.”

He smiles just barely and she sees little recognition in his eyes but still she cups his cheek and leans closer. 

“I’m...I’m cold.” he manages and Clarke can see that-he was shaking worse than before and his face slips from her grip as he coughs out again. She looks around-the nearest cot was a few feet away-they were literally in the darkest of corners and for that she was grateful for no one was going to come around and see them.

The place was damp and cold, the only thing warming it up were the breaths from all the bodies of patients lying around moaning or struggling with their pain.

She could go out and try to find an extra blanket or maybe even steal something to cover him up with but that’d take time and mean she had to leave him which she wouldn’t do under any circumstances. 

Not now.

Instead another thought passes through her mind and for a minute there she does contemplate it, she does wonder if it’s alright to do this-if maybe it could be read as something else, something...different going on between them but she shakes that thought when her eyes fall on Bellamy’s shaking body.

So she takes her sweater off and pulls the blanket away, carefully laying down and snuggling on his good side. She adjusts the sweater over his middle, pushes the hoodie up to his neck and then fumbles with the blanket, trying to cover them and mostly him as best as he can.

Body heat-she may not be able to undress them because of circumstances but still, she knew this would help at least a little.

Her hand sneaks under his thin paper shirt over the bandages crossing his torso and up to his heart that was beating too fast, too loud, trying to keep his body alive. His chest rose and fell rapidly, short breaths that were the reason he developed pneumonia in the first place-his lungs were suffering, inflamating for the lack of proper oxygen.

Clarke moves up and lays her head on the small pillow near his head. In the meager light his face looks even more pale but also exhausted-like everything that has happened to him has been too much for his body to handle.

And it has been.

She adjusts the sweater and the blanket one more time and then moves her face closer to his cheek,breathing him in but her eyes never leave his chest-rising and falling, rising and falling-she had to make sure he was there, with her.

Clarke loses track of time as she watches him like that but figures that her lying there next to him must help at least a little because the shakes start quieting down.

And then he starts talking in his sleep.

“Gina...” his tosses his head left then right just next to Clarke’s face “Gina, please, I’m so sorry-” his voice breaks and Clarke moves up on her elbows.

Upon losing some of her heat, his body shivers hard again and he starts coughing just as she’s reaching for one of the clean rags Jackson left and dipping it in the cold water he left them for drinking.

When she presses it to his forehead his opens his eyes.

“Gina...” he mumbles. His eyes are glossy, completely disoriented, he has absolutely no idea where he is or what’s happening. In the darkness of the mess hall he must be seeing his one long lost love in Clarke’s face.

She swallows hard. She could do this.

“Hey.” he smiles. For the first time in forever she sees him smile and her heart aches when he reaches up and tries to cup her cheek with his shaky hand. She helps him, pressing it to her soft yet cold skin.

“Gina...”

“I’m here.” Clarke commands the tears in her eyes not to slip as she holds his hand pressed to her cheek.

Then something else passes through Bellamy’s face-pain, another cough shatters him and it takes him a moment to recover, more than a minute in which he is almost completely out of breath. His hand falls to her lap but she still holds it tight as she wipes his face clean of the sweat and blood that he coughs.

“Gus-” Bellamy manages “I tried...I tried to do my best with Gus.”

“You did great.” Clarke assures but he shakes his head clearly unconvinced.

“He deserves more than me....” another bout of coughs that rattle his chest “He...he deserves you. He needs a mom.”

“That’s not true, Bellamy. Gus loves you so much, he looks up to you.”

“I broke the promise I gave you-” he mumbles next once again ignoring her words and his eyes start drooping, his body goes slacker and his hand limp in hers. He was about to pass out soon “I couldn’t provide him with a better future.”

“You already gave him so much!” Clarke leans closer, cupping his cheek again “He just needs his dad. You have to fight for him, alright? He already lost his mother, he can’t lose you too, okay?” Bellamy tries to nod but instead he just coughs again and his face falls to the side and he passes out again.

Clarke’s head falls to his chest and she lets her tears spill.

This hurt too much, it all hurt so damn much.

But she couldn’t be weak now. Clarke slowly raises herself up and takes the rags off, dipping it in cold water again and pressing it to his forehead.

He wasn’t going to die.

She wouldn’t let him die.

Chapter 11

Notes:

A/N: Merry Christmas to all of you who celebrate!

I decided to post this chapter on Christmas for all the people who are having a hard time, for all the folks who can't see their relatives or those who don't have any, for those who suffer or are just sad, for those who can't make it out of bed and those who need to push another day. I hope this is a small glimpse of hope for you or at least that it makes your day somewhat brighter for we all know this year has been help and I wish you all that the next one is better!

 

An hour or so later Jackson comes by with a thermometer and when they take his temperature it comes out again at a 104.

“I’m sorry, Clarke.” Jackson says softly. They both knew this could be a possibility-his condition was already too bad and she didn’t have the strongest antibiotics because she couldn’t afford to steal them.

There was a chance this was all for nothing.

“Don’t be. He’ll make it through.”

“Clarke-” Jackson shakes his head and looks at Bellamy’s shaking figure after taking off his stethoscope that he used to listen to his lungs to “I’m afraid he might not even make it through the night.”

“He will.” she says ignoring the tears in her eyes once more.

Jackson leaves and she stays sitting on the cold floor, Bellamy’s hand in hers, constantly wiping at his sweaty forehead and listening to him talk in his sleep-sometimes he cried, calling out his mom, other times it was Gus he was smiling at and telling him how proud of him he was, then there was Gina he begged not to die as he barely pulled air through.

She did not belong to his dreams and for once she was glad that was the case for she wasn’t sure she’d be able to take it.

At around three am she gives him the other half of the vial.

Initially she thought she’d wait till the morning but considering his condition wasn’t improving, she decided to risk it-maybe if she gave him a stronger dosage between shorter periods of time it’d kick off at least the fever.

Nothing changed at first-he still shook and she lay down next to him, wrapping her arm over his middle and pushing his body to hers, his head tucked gently under his chin.

She had wrapped the blanket all over him and her sweater she tucked around his big bulky arms-he looked like a child overdressed for a cold winter day.

Clarke felt her own feet starting to freeze but she couldn’t care less. 

Almost an hour passed and she was starting to doze off though she woke up every time another bout of coughs shook his body, when she felt something different.

An arm moving up to grab her wrist, the body underneath her moving not because of shaking fever tremors.

“Clarke?” his weak voice called her and when she looked up, she found his big eyes staring at her, finally some recognition to them.

“Bellamy!” she smiled, softly cupping his cheek before moving her fingers to his forehead.

She exhaled.

It was still burning but she could tell just by the touch alone that it was a little less warm.

“What...”a cough interrupts him and she helps him move up a little so that he’s lying in her embrace in a half sitting position while she pressed her back to the cold wall behind her “What are you...doing...here?”

“I sneaked in last night.” he opens his mouth to argue but she’s faster “And no, I don’t care how dangerous you think it is and you have no right to scold me, not after what you did when those guards burst into your home.” he smiles.

“My princess-” her heart leaps in her chest at that, his fingers rub up and down her arm. She knows part of it is the raging fever and the medicine working its way through his wrecked body but she wonders if he really means what he’s talking about “So stubborn.”

“No more than you.”  he humms and closes his eyes for a minute before struggling to speak up again.

“Gus...is he...”

“He’s with your mom, he’s safe.” in fact she’s not entirely sure how true is that or where Gus was right this minute but the last time she spoke to Aurora she had said she’s taking care of him and leaving him with the Greens when she had to work.

He must be fine generally speaking, though she was sure he was still stressed out after everything that has happened and Clarke had no idea how Aurora convinced him this time that his dad isn’t dead and he needs to be taken to the hospital.

Bellamy relaxes upon that and he looks so soft and at peace for once that she lets her fingers run through his hair in a soothing manner. He falls into her touch with ease, rests his cheek on her chest, just above her beating heart. 

“How do you feel?”

“I’m okay.” she shakes her head at him.

“Why did I not expect a different answer from you?” he smiles but closes his eyes for a moment, his hand falls in her lap and she pulls him closer to her body, adjusting the thin blanket and the sweater on his arms. “You should rest.”

He doesn’t, though. Instead he tries to talk again, even if the coughs shake him every now and then.

“You know when we found out Gina was pregnant....I-I was terrified.” he begins and she definitely did not expect of him to say any of that “We’ve been...trying for some time, a year or so and she was starting to lose hope-” he coughs again, it shatters them both to their core.

“You shouldn’t talk.” she tries mildly scolding him again but he shakes his head. It’s like he needed this, needed to talk and so she decided to let him.

“And then it happened and I was so happy but also so scared.”

“Why were you scared?”

“I never thought I’d...I’d be able to give them everything they want. I was afraid of what their life would be like, if I would be a good father...”

“You are.” she assures but he just shrugs and shyly looks down at her hand holding his.

“Gina would ask me what would I want it to be-a boy or a girl and all I could...all I could think was that for the way our station is...neither is...a good option.” Clarke furrows her eyebrows at that and raises him up when he coughs again. He really should be resting,not trying to talk when he couldn’t even breathe properly, but again...part of her was curious. She wanted to know about him, as much as she could. 

“If it was a girl, she’d end up a seamstress and if it was a boy...he would have to work like me-long hours, hunched over machines or climbing dangerous places to patch up the Ark...or...” this time when he coughs he doesn’t stop for a while and she scolds him.

“Bellamy, stop it. Come on, get rest!”

“No...” he shakes his head “I don’t want to...sleep.”

“Why?”

“I’m afraid I won’t wake up.” he lets out quietly and she tightens her grip on him.

“Of course you will, I’ll be right here when you do.” she senses that he doesn’t want to do it, though, at least not yet so she adds “But we can talk if you want?” she senses his embarrassment now so she nudges him “So you were scared?”

“Yeah.” he adds after a moment “And then Gus was born” his eyes open up and fill with love “I cried so much when I first held him, Gina said...she’d be embarrassed if I wasn’t...so...adorable.”

“What was it like? Having him in your arms?”

“It was great...but I was still afraid...and I promised..I promised” another wave of pain and coughs interrupts him and she can feel he’s getting tired again “I promised myself I’ll try to give him the best life I can.” Clarke hands him the metal can and helps him take a few sips before he rests back on her chest.

“You will. Gus is smart, he’ll do great things with his life-” she promises while he coughs and shakes them both. God the sound of it made her wince. “And you’ll be right there next to him when he does.”

Bellamy doesn’t seem to believe her, he doesn’t say anything back and soon enough when she looks down she finds that he’s fallen asleep again.

She thinks of pushing them back down but figures that his breathing is somewhat better in that position, so instead she adjusts them so that his arms are wrapped around her torso and she’s holding him tight in a semi-lying down way. 

Her back gets cold from being pressed to the wall like that and she’s wearing nothing but her plaid shirt and the still covered in ketchup overalls but she doesn’t care.

They fall like this and he wakes up again in about an hour, burning up worse again and she swallows hard-why wasn’t it working?

Maybe it’s too late-she thought-maybe she can’t save him.

No! That wasn't an option.

“Hey, hey, try to take deep breaths” she is cupping his face again while he writhed with pain under her.

“It hurts. All of it...hurts.”

“I know...I’m sorry.” she runs her hand up and down his back.

“When...when does it end?” he mumbles and she finally lets her tears spill.

God, why did he hurt so much? Why did it have to be this way? Why was there so much suffering in his life?

“Oh, Bellamy-” she buries her nose in his curls and breaths him in “I don’t know. I wish I did, I wish I could take it all away.” he just whimpers in her arms, another cough shakes him and she just holds him there rocking him up and down.

“I know it’s awful” she whispers “I know it hurts so much-physically and mentally but just, please, please just stay with me, okay?”

“Will you...will you hold me?” he asks weakly looking up at her with glassy eyes.

“Always.” he lets his head fall to her chest and she keeps moving them up and down even when her arms freeze, even when she starts feeling her feet get numb from the cold. 

Once he finally falls again, she leans closer and kisses his forehead as her tears keep spilling.

It takes her a moment to realize what feels different because she’s just so scared.

And then her brain registers it, her eyes widen and she pulls back, looking down at the boy she held like a little kid in her arms-his face pale, his breathing still ragged, his eyes closed, cheeks stained with tears but there was something else too.

Her hand moves to his forehead and when she feels it, she lets her whole body sag with relief.

It was colder.

His fever had broken.

She only allows herself to fall asleep after that. Though she tries to hold him up, they still slip down in a horizontal position on the cot with his head and upper body over hers. A couple of times she registers the cold seeping through her body, making her shake together with the coughs that still raged through him but she is so exhausted she lets herself succumb back to sleep.

It’s not until maybe hours later when she feels someone shake her shoulder and she wakes up to find herself tangled all over Bellamy who for once was sleeping soundly next to her. Jackson smiles a little like the devil as he lifts up a small bowl of something resembling soup in one hand and a piece of bread in the other.

“Morning, love birds.” she scoffs at him as she raises herself on her elbow and looks down at Bellamy’s still sleeping figure. Her hand moves to his forehead hoping that what she last felt wasn’t just a well-wishing thought. Upon finding his skin clammy and still a little warm, but not awfully feverish, she exhales. “How is he?”

“The fever broke.” she announces as Jackson puts the food by the mattress and takes out his stethoscope to check his breathing for himself. As if on cue Bellamy coughs and it’s hard and a little too painful because it makes him move his hand to his ribs even in his still sleepy state.

“That’s good but the cough remains. It’ll take time for his lungs to clear-” he says as he listens to his chest and heart with care unknown to the doctors in medbay. Jackson carried love and empathy for his patients, it was one of the many things Clarke learned from him while she was still an intern and he worked side by side with her and Abby. “If they clear.”

“They will.” Clarke states with determination again and he smiles, taking off his stethoscope.

“I feel at that point it’s your sheer stubbornness keeping that boy among the living.” she blushes at that but lets her fingers pull a strand of curly black hair away from his forehead. “He’s weak, though, so don’t get your hopes up. The fever getting down means nothing unless you get control of the coughs.”

“I know that.” she truly did, but she would take any victory she could when it came to his condition improving. 

“I just don’t want you to get your hopes up. He could take a turn for the worse again.”

“Jackson, I’m a doctor, I’m aware of all those things.” she doesn’t mean to sound so stand-offish and hates the way his face falls at her words. He was just trying to look out for her “I’m sorry...I know you mean well, I just-”

“You need every good news you can get.” Jackson nods and gives her a small smile reassuring her that everything’s fine between them. “Here, we just got some soup and bread delivered. Try to wake him and make him eat some.”

“Thank you.”

“We still need to leave at noon so don’t get too carried away, okay?” she nods and he squeezes her shoulder one last time before he moves up to take care of his other patients. 

Clarke takes a moment just looking at him, busying herself with the peaceful expression on his face. He still coughs but he doesn’t wake up, she guesses because his body is just that exhausted that it won’t bring him back to the world before it’s gotten at least a little bit of rest. She hates that she has to upset it, to violently bring it back to her but they didn’t have much time.

And yet still she indulges herself. And him.

One peaceful moment, was it that much to ask for?

Her index finger starts its path from his forehead, where still a few drops of sweat are rolling down and hiding in the longer curls of his hair, then she moves to cup his cheek, trace the freckles there.

His chest rises up and down still rapidly, his body in a rush to provide him with oxygen and she wishes she could still it down, hold it back, make his lungs expand to their full potential.

She doesn’t know how she ends up lying there next to him, nose brushing hers as she marveled at his face.

The bruise on his eye had gone down significantly and the red had given room to purple, dark blue and even green-yellowish in the corners. Clarke knows that when his eyes open, this one will be red all around the brown of his iris-a sea of pain much like his life. It scared her seeing it, hated that he was in pain and knew that maybe it blurred his vision significantly but he’d ignore it because that was the last of his problems and at least, he could see there even if it wasn’t perfect.

Not perfect.

That was his life.

A life of halves.

A half-working leg, a half-seeing eye, a half working torso with broken ribs, a half breathing body.

A half-fulled bowl of soup with a half piece of bread.

He could never truly live. Not him anyway. For Gus she knew he made sacrifices-he gave away his wholeness, everything he could. She was sure that if he could, he’d take a knife and cut a piece of his own body if it would feed or protect him, without thinking twice. 

Gus would live fully. Bellamy wouldn’t, he never did, as many other people in his station.

Hers? Hers was a life of overflows. Of abundances. 

She had treys of food with not one but two bowls of soup and two pieces of bread that she could not even bring herself to finish. She had salads and deserts. Big, three-story cakes for her birthday with twelve of her friends not being able to finish it. Presents so many they could reach the ceiling of her room. Dresses made by poor women like Aurora, fitted just for her, planned in weeks before the event. Clothes. Rows and rows of clothes in her closet. Clothes that had no usage or meaning anymore so she cut them in pieces, boiled them and used them as bandages because for once they had a real purpose.

Toys and pencils, books were always scattered in her room, even now when she was older.

Meanwhile Gus had just a few books that as she found out Bellamy traded once they read them and remembered the plot, for other stories, new ones they could read and memorize. He didn’t have any toys but one metal truck his dad made out of spare parts from his factory and a small bear-like plush toy sewn by Aurora that had buttons for eyes and different colorful patches for a body. 

Her tears stream down and fall on the dirty pillow of they’re both lying on. For once she didn’t care they were in a stuffed mess hall with maybe fifty more sick people and a bunch of staff trying to save them. 

She didn’t give a damn they were lying on the floor over a dirty old modly mattress, that her body shook now with his from the cold but that when she closed in to him, she could feel his warmth, a different kind of warmth-not just the fever-induced unnatural one but his own heat-the one that made him Bellamy.

His chin is covered in stubble, his pale cheeks gave color to the freckles marring his face, his breathing tickled her nose.

She’s surprised when he wakes up first maybe because she was too busy indulging herself in marveling at his beauty. Maybe because his peace brought herself some.

“Clarke?” he croaks but doesn’t open his eyes right away, he’s in Clarke’s favorite state of his brain not truly being conscious but also still giving into sleep.

“I’m here.” she rubs her thumb on his chin just near his bruise and he shivers a little from the pain still lingering there. 

“Am I...alive?” he coughs a little and bows his head down to his chest.

She chuckles and feels more of her tears roll down her eyes.

“You sure as hell are.” he smiles a little and she pushes his head to her chest again. He cuddles into her like Gus did when he held him.

“Damn...I’ll never...hear ....the end of it.” he manages through ragged breaths.

“The end of what?”

“You...saving...my life.” she laughs and the sound of it must be so surprising to him because finally he opens his eyes and looks at her sheepishly. “I like that.” she raises an eyebrow as she tucks a strand of hair behind his ear “You laughing.” her cheeks go red at his compliment and she picks up his face, their nose brushing again before she moves up to kiss his forehead. He stills underneath her and she thinks maybe she crossed a line-maybe, she shouldn’t have been so bold in her actions, but a few seconds later he relaxes into her touch and she pulls back.

“So what’s the verdict, doctor?” he tries to disapitate the tension with a lighter question.

“Your temperature’s better. Now we need to fix that cough and you’ll be able to go back to stubbornly trying to risk your life for everyone.” as if on cue he coughs again and she raises herself on her elbows watching as he struggled and trying to push him into a sitting position. “Come on, you have to eat now.”

He’s a grumpy child, a very sleepy disoriented grumpy child.

“I don’t-”

“Before you say you aren’t hungry, tell me when was the last time you ate anything?” she raises her eyebrow and crosses her arms over his chest. He smiles and closes his eyes for a minute, clearly going back in time. “If you have to think that hard about it then it wasn’t so soon, was it?”

“I think mom tried to force some algae into me yesterday but I was too out of it to manage even a few spoons and before that...maybe the day of the guards searching the house.” she rubs her forehead tiredly at that and he looks at her like he knows he’s in trouble.

“Bellamy, the medicine can only do so much. Your body’s weakened and if you want to make it, you need to eat, do you understand me?” he doesn’t say anything but manages a slight nod that she doesn’t believe for a second.

“I mean it. I have just a few vials of antibiotics that broke your fever but the cough won’t go away for weeks and unless you want it to turn into a chronic condition you need to-”

“I got it,princess, I’ll eat.” he promises.

“I know the guards ruined everything but if you need cans or formula, I can send some from-”

“No!” of course his reaction on her helping him is like that “We’ll figure it out. You’ve already done enough.”

“Bellamy-”

“Clarke!” he tries to raise himself on his elbows but is too weak and falls back on the pillow in a half-dramatic, half-pathetic way “You already stole antibiotics for me.”

“I didn’t-”

“Yes, you did, I’m not that stupid, I know Jackson said Factory station and field hospitals don’t get those, which meant you did something stupid.” he gives her a serious look that is however completely ruined when he chokes on his own coughs and has to roll on his side and manage to catch his breath. She shushes him, scolds him for being a stupid idiot who insists on pushing himself but he grabs the hand she has placed on his head and squeezes it in an effort to prove a point “I didn’t save your life just so you could stupidly risk it for me.”

“Well it’s too bad I don’t take orders from you.”

“You should be back home. You’re probably not even allowed here if you’re dressed like that.” he gestures at her Farm station clothes and she huffs, looking away for a minute, embarrassed that he caught her.

“I’m right, aren’t I?” she bites her lips refusing to give him a proper answer “Clarke, please, be honest with me.”

“Fine. My friend Wells, he was there when Morgan was searching your room and after he took me home to Alpha and called my parents in.” Bellamy’s face turns worried and his fingers softly graze the inside of her wrist “He locked in my ID card so I can’t cross stations. Apparently, for my own good.” she quotes with her fingers and he sighs.

“Maybe they were right. You shouldn’t be here, Clarke.” he says softly but when her face falls at his words he almost wishes to bang himself on the head with a pan.

“Don’t you want me here?”

“That’s not what I’m saying, I just mean that-” he tries again to sit up but fails once again dramatically, it’s like his muscles have given up on supporting any part of his body. She scoffs at his trials and pushes him down, holding his shoulder.

“Stop this!”

“I won’t!” he insists stubbornly “Of course I want you here, I’m relieved that I’m not alone in this hellhole but I just don’t want to bring you any more trouble than...than I already...have.”

“I’m a big girl, Bellamy, I know what I’m doing.”

“I’d say I doubt that considering how you’re risking everything for an idiot from Factory.” she opens her mouth surprised.

“Wow, did I just hear you admitting to being an idiot?” he smiles and slaps her hand over his shoulder “If anyone’s being stupid, it’s you, not me.” she picks up the bowl of soup and moves it closer. “Come on now, your diversion tactics won’t work on me.” he sighs and looks away a little embarrassed.

“I’m not sure I can...move up.” 

“It’s okay, I’ll help, I have an idea.” she swiftly moves behind him and helps the upper part of his body move up, letting his back rest on her chest as she rests her body on the wall.

She’s spooning him of sorts, except they’re half-sitting and his slack body ends up resting between her spread out legs. His head falls somewhere near her heart as she picks up the soup and the spoon. He grunts a lot while she moves him, clearly is uncomfortable sitting up, his back hurts but he tries to swallow it down and take it all.

She maneuvers his hands down to his body and puts her before his chest.

“Come on now-” she urges him as she takes some of the soup with the spoon and brings it to his lips.

“Really? You’re going to feed me?”

“I don’t see you being able to do it yourself, mister smartass so?” he pouts but she brings the spoon to his lips and he opens up his mouth, taking in the soup. He’s weak, so weak his body slips over hers and she has to stop a couple of times and push him up so he doesn’t go back to his initial position. He’s hungry, that much is clear, because he does not refuse the soup, but it’s also hard for him to breathe and a couple of times he coughs and she has to stop and wait him out before she keeps feeding him.

He’s literally like a little kid, much similar to Gus when he was too tired and sleepy. He grows even more drowsy when they finish the bowl but with that, she figures out, he also gets affectionate. He likes her holding him and when his eyes start drooping and his face falls to her chest, she spares a moment to stroke his head and just hold him there with her.

“I need to give you the medicine before I leave.” she whispers while pulling out the vial from her pocket and taking out the small syringe Jackson left under the matress.

Upon seeing the needle his eyes grow sizes and he suddenly regains his conscioussness. 

“What’s that?”

“It’s the antibiotics.” she carefully slips away from under him and helps him lay down. He starts shaking and she suspects it’s not because of the fever-he was still warm but it was definitely down from last night and she hoped it’s stay that way. No, he was scared. She remembers that first time he and Gus came into her office and how afraid he was to look at her giving him the shots.

“Does it have to be...uh...can’t I swallow a pill or something?”

“Unfortunately, no.” she fills in her syringe and reaches out to clean the inside of his hand with some cotton dozed in moonshine but he pulls his arm away from her. “Bellamy, don’t be a child.” she scolds mildly.

“I uh...can’t you...can’t you do it any other way?” he’s adorable when he asks her that, his eyes big and pleading, his mouth slightly opened and his body pushing away from her as if on instinct.

“No.”

“But I-”

“You already took this twice last night.”

“I was unconscious then.”

“And as much as I prefer that this was the case now too, you’re very much awake.” she raises an eyebrow and smirks but he seems terrified.

“Can’t you maybe wait till I fall again?” she reaches out and takes his hand again, gently rubbing his palm with her thumb.

“I’m afraid I don’t have that much time left. I need to get back soon.” at that his face falls even further, his mouth curls up down wards and she cups his cheek in an attempt to calm his fears “It’ll be fast, I promise.”

“Do you have to go?”

“I thought you didn’t want me here? That I’m risking my life?” she tilts her head to the side and he sighs dramatically like Gus when he couldn’t figure out which story he wanted before his bed time.

“Well yeah but...I like having you with me.” he smiles “You’re good company.”

“I’ll make sure to remember that next time you whine dramatically about me crossing stations and being an idiot.” she uses the time they talk to clean up the inside of his arm, hoping he’ll get distracted enough he won’t even notice it but he does, he shakes a little when she picks up the syringe.

“Clarke-”

“I promise it’ll be fine, just hold onto me, will you?” he nods and coughs a little making her heart clench. God he was so hurt but also so sweet it filled her heart with fondness “Close your eyes for me.” he looks up one last time, like he wanted to ask "Are you sure? " before she gave him a quick nod in return and he obliged.

She’s quick in her work but he still bites his lips and lets a small groan out when the needle pierces his skin. Once it’s over she smiles and pats his cheek.

“There you go, you big baby. It’s over.” he opens his eyes like he can’t believe it, looks at her putting a band aid over the place and exhales which just brings him to another coughing bout that lasts a little longer.

She didn’t like the sound of his lungs. Even without a stethoscope she could tell it was bad and with his hand reaching up to touch his bruised ribs she just once again remembers why she hates the Ark and its stupid rules. 

“Here, let me see-” she tugs at his shirt and he’s so helpless and tired that he lets her.

Though the real reason is that he just loves the way her fingers ghost over his skin. He gets goose bumps and she thinks it’s because he still has some fever lingering in him but she has absolutely no idea that he’s staring at her and cataloging her every move.

Bellamy’s not sure when he started falling in love with the way her eyebrows furrowed when she was focused on helping him or how gentle her fingers were over the bandage on his back.

The way she pursed her lips when she hated the fact that the muscles she pushed over wouldn’t react when her hand went down her leg or how her hair,her beautiful hair, fell off freely from the braid she tied it too and the strands tickled his torso whenever she moved over.

He itched to touch her cheek, to cup it and rub his thumb under the black circles under her eyes that were tired, so tired maybe as worse as his were. When was the last time she ever got proper rest? If he had to bet she’d been working non-stop since she was strong enough to stand up after her concussion.

He doesn’t realize he’s tugging her wrist at first and that she’s giving him a surprised look but though he figures she may protest when he pulls her to the pillow, to lay down next to him, he’s glad that she doesn’t.

They don’t need words right now, not at this very second at least.

She places her head on the dirty pillow next to him and they’re breathing each other’s air, his hand falls to her waist and tugs her closer and when his fingers touch the skin exposed by her shirt crumpling up, he purses his lips over how cold she is and throws some of the blanket over her.

She wants to protest, tell him to keep it for himself and he can see it but he doesn’t let her because his hand moves to her cheek and he just stares at her.

God he can drown in the blue of her eyes-it was so mesmerizing, it must be what the seas and oceans looked like on earth, the sky from below too-he never wants to get ever stop looking at it. In that minute he feels like all the myths and stories he read Gus about brave heroes and sailors crossing the seas were true-it could be your biggest curse and your greatest hope.

And in her eyes he found just that-hope.

After Gina had died he had taken it very hard. He was so depressed, so damn sad but he ignored it-he pushed his feelings aside for Gus.

He wouldn’t sleep, wouldn’t eat, all he could do is hold him in his arms or put him on the cot and stare at him as he slept.

He had been so afraid then-in ways he has never been before,thinking that he’ll never raise him properly without his mom, that he’ll fail-how could he not fail? He always messed things up.

It got so bad one night he passed out.

His mom had been worried about him, tried talking to him, so did his friends-Miller and Monty and Harper-they all kept saying Gina wouldn’t want this for you, Gina needs you to take care of yourself but he let it pass by him like life did.

All he kept thinking was that he should be the one dead and not her, that his son needed a mom more than he needed him.

Gus would feel Gina’s absence too, though he was a baby.

He knew something was missing, blabbed away in his baby language and cried too often when he was left at day care. He’d eat less too and sleep worse but as the months passed he grew used to it and calmed down.

As much as Bellamy was happy about it, it also ruined him further-Gus would never know his mom, never remember her, never see her smile again or feel the gentle touch of her fingers running through his curly hair.

It made Bellamy hold him and cry every night after the kid fell asleep in his arms.

He had grown more affectionate since he lost her, he wouldn’t let go of Bellamy, clenching his shirt with his tiny fists and refusing to let go. It was still like that and Bellamy dreaded the moment he’d grow out of it. 

But that night, that night he passed out, his mom had come by to check on them and found him on the floor. Gus was on the cot, playing with his constructor, unaware of what was happening, thinking his dada was just sleeping. She had to throw a glass of water over his face to wake him up and she had used the moment as an intervention.

“You need to stop doing this.” she had scolded “If you don’t take care of yourself, you’ll end up leaving this boy an orphan.”

Bellamy had cried then, he hadn’t even realized when the tears left his eyes but his vision was blurry with his own sadness.

“I don’t know how to do this mom.” he had sobbed “I don’t know how to keep going without her.”

“You think I did when your father died?” he looked away embarrassed, brushing at his face with his sleeve “You think I wasn’t sad and desperate? That I didn’t cry my heart out as I held you and saw everything he was in you too?” she had squeezed his arms then “You think I didn’t wonder if I could do this at all?”

“You did?”

“Of course I did!” his dad was never a subject they discussed thoroughly.

It was something Bellamy had hated as much as he loved his mom, which is why he insisted on not doing the same mistake with Gus.

He talked about Gina, showed Gus photos of her, told him stories-he wanted him to know as much as he could about his mom.

But Aurora rarely spoke of his dad even when Bellamy asked as a child, her answers were short and curt and with time he learned not to because he figured it only brought her pain and he could live without knowing everything.

“But I realized that if I wanted to take good care of you and raise you to be a good man, I had to take care of myself as well.” she rubbed his knees before reaching out to cup his cheek “It’s time you did the same.” she had brushed away his tears until he gave in and let her hold him to his chest. 

The next day he got up and had breakfast with Gus who was curled up on his stomach with his bottle.

He pushed through.

But he still felt hopeless, he was still...exhausted.

And he had no idea how he’ll push through now.

He could barely walk and he needed work so he could provide enough for Gus but he was currently in a field hospital coughing his lungs out, not really sure if he’ll make it out of here alive at all.

The kid himself was fucked up-not sleeping or eating, terrified to his very bones, clutching his side for dear life even before his mom and Monty helped him get here when he was barely lucid anymore.

And his mom? His poor mom who was the only one working and trying to provide a meager ration for them, was busting her tired back for something he should be doing, not her.

How did it get so fucked up? When did it went so wrong?

“What’s on your mind?” Clarke must’ve sensed he was lost in thoughts or maybe that he was shaking too hard but he doesn’t answer, not right away anyway, instead he just buries his head in the crook of her neck, scoots closer and breaths her in, eyes closed. 

“Hey, you okay?” her fingers brush his neck and tug a little at the curls she finds at the back of his hair as a way to maybe ground him somewhat, bring him back to earth. “Bellamy?”

He hates how much he scared her in that moment so he just nudges the soft skin of her shoulder with his nose and softly speaks up.

“I’m just...scared.”

“What of?” he doesn’t answer. How could he? Wasn’t it pathetic enough that he was lying there, letting her comfort him when she risked everything and keeps risking everything for him. “Bellamy, talk to me.” she urges, tightening her grip on his neck a little, her nails grazing his skin “Please.”

He shrugs and just moves closer to her. This wasn’t her burden. She already had enough.

“Can you just hold me for a little while longer?” he asks instead.

“Of course I can.” he nods and she wraps her arms tighter around him.

“Thank you.” he mumbles “For everything.”

“I didn’t do anything.” she replies holding his head in hers “Now you need to push through, alright? It’s up to you.” he nods, not sure what to say to that and is surprised when she picks up his chin and looks him in the eyes. 

“I’m tired...”

“I know, so am I.”

“I’ve been alone for so long I don’t know if I can...do this.”

“Bellamy, you’re not alone.” she cups his cheek and smiles softly at him “You have me.” the way his eyes go through all the emotions from surprise to confusion to wonder if she really means that makes her heart break.

Then his face falls and he pulls away a little but stares down at his hand grazing her fingers.

“You don’t need that burden in your life.” he mumbles so quietly she barely hears him.

“You’re not a burden. You’re my friend.”she assures “Come here-” she pulls him to her again “Let’s share some of that weight.” he smiles and coughs a little in her arms but the tiredness pulls at him and he feels himself starting to doze off again as much as he doesn’t want to.

“Don’t go.” he whispers right before he falls and just as he’s about to lose consciousness he thinks he feels her lips on his cheek and his heart skips a beat.

Was she kissing him?

And the next thought was-did he deserve it?

He wasn’t strong enough to think about any of it right now, though, he couldn’t and he was selfish enough to indulge himself this one thing that was being held by her arms and feeling the warmth of her lips on his still feverish skin. 

It couldn’t fix things but it ignited something in his heart-a grain of hope he’d never thought he’d feel again.

Chapter 12

Notes:

A/N: I'm sorry this took a while! I have it written and I keep writing for it but I also have been working on another story as well so I kind of write some for this, some for the other and it's a bit of a total mess hah. Thank you all for reading! This isn't a chapter where much happens but still, I hope you enjoy it!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Bellamy was leaning over closer to the lantern, trying to see better the pattern he was making with the thread.

He bit his lip to keep himself from yelling when he pinched his finger with the needle yet again and moved in his metal chair which only made a blinding pain shoot through his back.

Dammit, he cursed quietly as he leaned on the back of the chair and took a breath.

No, he couldn’t do this. He shouldn’t stop, he can’t stop-he had to finish all these orders that his mom brought for him tonight so he can make enough for a bowl of algae tomorrow.

And yet, his body betrays him, his arms go limp in his lap and his tired lungs wheezle in the cold night of the dark room.

It’s been almost three weeks since that day in the field hospital when he woke up to Clarke there as he coughed his lungs out.

She had given him stolen medication and saved his life.

She had pushed him and believed in him and held him when he was at his worst.

She had been there for as long as she could-throughout the awful night, in the dead coldness of a cramped up mess hall, holding him as they both shivered from the lack of electricity, surrounded by hurt, weightless bodies lying in cots and dirty mattresses all around.

And yet, they had been there.

Together.

He remembers telling her how afraid he was. And then her holding him and whispering that she’s there and everything will be alright. But the truth was, he woke up maybe an hour or so later and she was gone, he was shivering from the cold and coughing again.

Jackson was there though and he gave him another vial of the medication as much as Bellamy hated it.

He had to be discharged the next day-there were no more antibiotics to give and his fever has thankfully stayed down. The cough remained but Jackson, despite his many patients, took his time to rewrap Bellamy’s ribs, change the bandage on his back and listen to his lungs which was something he wasn’t too happy about.

His mom came in late in the afternoon to help him eat.

Gus was with the Greens again but they have said that day care will open up on Monday-work for once was bountiful on Factory-too many people were still being processed by the guards, their files looked over and over and over again, them being questioned, but also some were slowly being released.

Then there were many of those who were hurt or got sick because of the cold and the station was working on barely half capacity.

“There is work.” his mom had assured him as she helped him sip on his soup “So we can figure something out. And I can pick up on some extra shifts.”

“I’ll help out too.” he had said through ragged breaths and his mom had furrowed her eyebrows.

“Bellamy-”

“I have to, mom. We don’t really have any other choice.”

“You recover first, then we’ll think about this, okay?”

But he hadn’t been able to rest, not after he felt a little bit better, with the fever finally down.

When Aurora helped him get home the next day and he found the place still mostly trashed as she had took Gus to her small compartment to help him forget everything horrible that went wrong, he bit his lip hard and started trying to clean up.

Gus was with the Greens for a few hours and Bellamy, though still coughing and barely able to move had slowly walked around, picked up things from the floor and put them back at their places, as much as he could do that-some stuff were broken beyond fixing.

Aurora was there too, she wiped up the floor from the blood and the food spilled on it, picked up the matress and the sheets, helped Bellamy change them.

Their meager amount of clothes that were ripped apart she took to mend, the pillows though Bellamy decided to manage on his own.

He sat on the small cot, picked up a needle and a thread and started stuffing them back and sewing it right up. Aurora had taught him how to sew when he was a boy, about eight or nine years old.

Things were very bad for Factory then again, electricity was cut off even more often than it was now, food was scarce, so she brought work home to make as much ration points as she could and because she couldn’t finish all orders on her own, he helped her. 

Now he’d figured he could use this not just to mend their own clothes, an idea sparked in his head.

“Do you think you can bring me some work to do from home?” he had asked her as she put the plastic bags and bowls that weren’t destroyed back in the cabinets. 

“Bellamy-” she shakes her head and he knows what she’ll say before she’s even started.

That sewing is a woman’s work, that if a man started working in the sewing Factory it was a last resort, a mockery of sorts. He had to be weak or broken or maybe too ill to do go the Factory and as a man he got less rations than what the women would take for that same work.

Things stayed strictly separated in their station-women sew, mended and created new clothes, colored the yarn produced in Farm or stitched all things as new and sold them.

Men went to the Factory, kept the station working, their hands were covered in grease, not colors, their fingers were calloused with blisters from wrenches and cut from metal pieces, not from needles. 

“Mom, I need this, you know that I need this.” he had tried to reason and she sighed, pulling up a chair and sitting opposite of him. He coughed again and he coughed hard, hiding his face in the crook of his elbow as he tried to silence it, push it down.

He was done being weak and sick.

It was time to get back on his feet, even with his leg still fucked up, even with his cough still present. 

“Bellamy, you’re not-”

“I can do it. I’m stronger now-my ribs don’t hurt as much and my leg..it’ll get stronger.” he swallows hard as he dares a glance at her “But I can’t work full time at the factory yet.” Aurora looked at him like he was insane for even thinking that.

She didn’t know how to tell him straight to the face that he may never worked full time at the factory ever again at all.

He’d be lucky to be able to stand on his feet for longer than an hour without feeling the need to sit.

“You have to bring me work.”

“No.”

“Mom, it’s rations, as meager as they are and I’ll talk to Miller and my boss when I get a little stronger. I’ll ask for work at home-there are spare parts I can fix here, and then after, when I get better they’ll help me figure it out.”

“Bellamy you were lying on the floor barely alive just the other day! For God’s sake are you listening to yourself!”

“Mom, I have to!”

“The only thing you have t do, is lay down on that cot and get the rest you need!”

“And what about tomorrow? What will I feed Gus tomorrow? A half a bowl of algae that you earned and that is yours to take to begin with?” he raises his voice and it makes him cough again, harder this time which doesn’t go unnoiced by Aurora who goes by the sink and fills a glass of water to bring to him.

He struggles to breathe, his cheeks get red and he heaves as he tries to catch his breath. How was he thinking he’d work when he barely spoke? 

“We have no formula, no cans, no nothing! Even our clothes are...even our clothes are torn up. I have to-”

“Bellamy!” she scolds, sitting next to him and putting her hand on his shoulder. He was still sick yes, that’s true but he was also panicking-he was afraid, afraid that he had no way out of this situatin. “Stop this!”

“No. Please, mom...promise...promise you’ll bring me work tomorrow, some clothes...any clothes. You said there was too much work anyway.”

She sighs and pulls his head to her chest, running her fingers through his curls.

“You won’t stop, will you?”

“You know I can’t...” he whispers “For Gus.”

Aurora sighs and pulls away a little.

“Fine, but you start slow, I don’t want you pushing yourself from day one-I’ll bring small orders and when your cough gets better and you feel stronger I’ll get more, okay?” he nods and smiles at that.

“Thanks, mom.” she had sighed, she knew how stubborn her son was first hand so she had to monitor his stupid rebelious behavior herself until at least he got somewhat strong.

It was hard at first.

The next day he barely made it out of bed.

She could see how weak he is, how he puts every effort into getting on his feet and using the crutch to walk to the table.

It hurt a lot to sit down on the metal chair and he must’ve figured so out himself because when she comes back in the evening with a few more shirts and pants to mend, he’s back on the cot, sitting up but resting his back on the pillow and using his glasses and a lanern he’d adjusted by the cot so he can see better. 

He had gritted his teeth, his hands were shaking as was his body with every cough, his vision doubled and he barely spoke. He only put effort on when Gus was home from kindergarten.

But he was weak and she could see he gave almost all food to the kid, barely managing a few spoons himself and trying to compensate by drinking more water.

It was no way to keep going.

Jackson had told her when they were discharging him from the field hospital if the meager piece of document they signed could even be called that, that he needs to eat well and get strong if he wants to beat this, otherwise he’s as good as dead.

He’d just end up back here, his fever will come back, the pneumonia will destroy his lungs and leave him without breath, his other injuries will add to it and his body won’t be able to do what it miraculously did last time.

So she had made an executive decision then. She reached out to Clarke once again and the next day she woke up to a big box full of not just food but some extra warmer clothes for Bellamy and another blanket in addition to it all.

She’s surprised that when she brings all the things in, Bellamy doesn’t much fight her on it but there’s a quiet resignation to his whole appearance. Sadness that she hadn’t seen on his face before and of course, also anger, not directed at Clarke, not at all, Aurora knew that in a way he realized why she was doing this, why she was so desperate to help, but in himself-in his inability to once again provide.

It was as if he was Sishypus and he pushed up a stone that immideately rolled back down and stuck him to the ground leaving him breathless.

He wasn’t stupid-he knew Gus needs the Formula, that he has been hungry and has been vocal about it, asking if there’s more or if he can have another bowl of algae-something that he hated which just came to show you how hungry he truly was if he was willing to eat two portions of it.

Bellamy had to strengthen his weak body too so he took the cans of beans and mashed potatoes with carrots and split them with Gus, eating unwilingly, but knowing it was necessairy. 

He had no choice but to take the clothes too-they were a little too big for him, Clarke said they were her dad’s old shirts and sweaters that he was planning on giving in to recycling anyway. They hung on him too big on his huncheed shoulders but at least they kept him warm and Gus liked that he could sneak under his sweater and culr up on his chest and still there’d be enough space for both of them.

It was like a little cub bear hanging to his dad or a kangaroo in his mom’s pouch.

The kid had grown even more restless since the search and seeing his dad being shock lashed before him-he had nightmares and also angry outbursts which had never happened before.

In day care he fought with a boy because he said his dad is a cripple.

Gus had gotten a blue eye and the other kid a split lip.

Bellamy was called in by the principle and he had barely made it there. Aurora had to be the one to support him though he was using his crutch and Gus who had been grounded and given a big speech was trailing slowly by with his head hanging low.

Bellamy hadn’t had the heart to be too harsh on him-he knew why this was happening, he understood it but he also had to make it clear that it couldn’t happen again. 

“Anger, he told Gus, that destroys you, eats your good heart up from the inside-” Bellamy had said, patting his chest over Gus’ heart ”it’s awful and self-destructive and hurts you and the people that you love.” Gus’ face falls at that “And I know you don’t want to hurt me or grandma Rory, right?”

“But dada, what do I do when they say bad things?”

“You hold your head high and be the bigger person.” he takes his tiny hand in his “I know it’s hard, but inflicting pain on others, this isn’t what we do and who we are, Gus.”

“But they hurt you, dada. Other people...the guards, they hurt you” Gus had exclaimed and picked up his tiny hands cupping his cheeks with his sweet little fingers “How do you...not get angwy?”

“Oh, I do. I get angry all the time.” Bellamy admits, pulling his curly hair to his chest and kissing the top of his head “But then I look at you and I remember what matters.” Gus looks a little confused at that, giving him his big brown eyes and his pouty lips. 

“Family.” he squeezes his hand and brings it to his lips “That’s what matters.”

“Awkay.” Gus had agreed but Bellamy knew things wouldn’t just miraculously fix themselves.

He made sure to pay even more attention to the kid and do things with him after day care. They’d sit and read together, draw together, ask Jordan to come by so he wasn’t alone in his more energetic plays and ideas.

Bellamy paid attention to every little thing and as hard as it was for him to walk, he made sure to take him out to the Factory station playground every other day.

He was so slow on his feet it was pathetic.

And he had to lean on the walls and stop every few minutes.

Gus was patient but Bellamy knew that he noticed the way some of the people who passed by them looked at them. Most were kind, they would pat Bellamy on the shoulder, wish him a speedy recovery, even suggest they help him out which made Bellamy feel awful.

He had never been more pitied in his life and he knew Gus was feeling uncomfortable too, probably ashamed of him.

But he pushed all of that aside to the bottom of his heart-none of this matter. Just like he told Gus-only he did, only their family did-he could take pitiful glances and sad stares, he could take their quiet murmurs as they passed by him “That’s the Blake boy. He got really hurt in the blast.” and swallow it down.

He had to be strong.

He doesn’t know when he starts dozing off like this, resting the back of his head on the chair with his eyes closed.

Because of his best attempts at helping Gus feel normal again, he had to work late at night and early into the morning so he could mend all clothes Aurora brought which were more and more lately as orders piled up and she couldn’t finish everything herself.

He was glad for it-never complained as much as his back hurt sometimes from sitting cramped up in a particular position for so long. 

Aurora had often come to find him asleep when she came by the first few days after he got home, with Gus having climbed on his lap and resting his tiny body on top of him and Bell’s hand still holding up the unmended clothes.

He had gotten a little stronger since then but the cough remained, weaker but it was still there and his back kept hurting him but most of all it was so hard to walk he was feeling at his lowest point.

Clarke had been angry about it all.

She couldn’t cross the stations, it was too risky for her to do so with her friend Wells and her mother apparently constantly looking over her shoulder.

Instead, they’ve been talking over the intercom station every night.

She’d call when she came back from work and Gus would gladly give up his cartoon channel so they can use the projector as a way to see each other.

Every night she asked him how it was, prodded him with questions about his condition or his cough and he would wave it off and instead direct the conversation to Gus and her just to help the kid feel a little better while he mended clothes and listened to them.

She hadn’t called tonight, not yet at least. Sometimes she had very long shifts at medbay, surgeries she had to assist in, patients to look after so she wouldn’t call until it was eleven or even midnight which he didn’t mind as he wasn’t asleep anyway.

Now though he felt himself dozing off and he doesn’t even know how it happens-the way he falls asleep isn’t so calm and peaceful usually. But this time somehow miraculously it happened-he might’ve pushed himself a bit too hard yesterday and he felt weak, so weak that his body must’ve given out, but now he wakes up to Gus’s quiet whimpers.

He bolts in the chair and it takes him a moment to realize that he’s in their place, not in a cell or a field hospital, that the only source of light comes from his lantern and that the sharp motion made his back scream with a horrible sharp pain.

He forgets all about it, though when he looks at their cot and finds Gus tossing left and right, the sheets already tangled around him, his mouth twisted in pain.

“No!” he was mumbled “Pwease, don’t! Don’t huwt him!” he begged.

Bellamy’s heart jumped in his throat.

The kid had been having these awful nightmares since Morgan searched their place. He couldn’t shake them off.

At first it was happening every night but then Bellamy had started mixing Clarke’s syrup with the Formula and giving it to him when it happened so he had calmed down significantly.

But the syrup was almost through and though they were happening every other night or every few days, they were still present and Bellamy hated that his tiny child's head was troubled with things like dreaming of his father being tortured right before his eyes.

“No!” he squealled again and Bellamy immideately put the clothes he was mending on the table and gripped the side of it with his hand, using his crutch that was leaning on the chair to raise himself up with.

His leg buckled.

He commanded it to straighten and move forward.

Every fucking step caused him so much pain he was ready to scream from it but he didn’t care.

He had to get to Gus.

And he did, it took a moment, but still he was significantly fast, he dragged himself to the cot, sat up and pulled away the warm thick blankets that Clarke had send off for them to use.

“Come on, son, I’m here.” Gus kept tossing in his arms even when he pulled him up and pressed him to his chest. “Shhh, dad’s here, big boy. Dad’s here.” he whispered and it wasn’t for another minute or so before Gus finally woke up.

He was usually so drowsy when he woke up in the middle of the night like this, he had absolutely no idea what was happening around him still to weary from the nightmare, too exhausted but also so soft and beautiful.

And cold.

He was shivering in Bellamy’s arms.

“Dada?” he asks sleepily and fists his shirt with his tiny hands.

“I’m here, Gus.” he promises rocking him back and forth “Dad’s here.” he repeats it over and over and over again until Gus’ body relaxes a little in his arms and then he unzips the sweater Clarke had given him and wrapped him in the small cacoon inside.

Then he fished out a piece of the torn up sheet Morgan had destroyed during the search and used it to tie Gus up to his body.

They needed to get up and he didn’t trust his body not to drop him so this was a much needed measure.

Then he zipped the kid right up and squeezed his eyes before willing himself to get up.

He drags them to the kitchen counter and grabs the formula box from the cupboard above, fishes out the bottle that he used to give Gus when he was a baby and pours three spoons in.

He knew the kid was hungry, that much was clear from the sounds his little tummy was making that were as desperate as his cries before that. Gus kept wiggling in his arms and reaching for him but Bellamy was hoping he’d calm down soon enough because he was unstable enough as it was on his feet.

“Shh, give me a second, sweet boy.”

“Dada!” Gus reaches out his hand and Bellamy gives him his finger only for Gus to push it in his mouth like a baby and suck on it.

He was that hungry.

Bellamy’s heart clenches once more.

He might’ve grown up somewhat but he was still a baby, he was still a child and he was malnourished.

It made a shiver run down his spine.

Things will get better. He’d be going back to the Factory tomorrow to talk to his boss, he’ll figure something out.

Gus sucked on his finger and hard while Bellamy used whatever hot water was left from the boiler to fill the bottle. It was a trick he had come up with himself after Gina died and he first started doing this-use the electricity to warm up as much hot water as he could so if Gus woke up crying in the middle of the night, needing his bottle, he could still dissolve it.

“Dada” Gus mumbled sleepily again and Bellamy spared a glance at him. He was curled up on his chest in the sling like sheet like he did when he was a baby, sucking on his index finger and holding it with two tiny hands as if it was a bottle.

His eyes were barely opened but he could see the sadness illuminated in them and he hated it more than anything in the world.

“I’m almost done, hold on, big boy.” Bellamy promises, as he ran his soft hand down his head and cheek. That almost caused him to lose his balance but he managed to steady himself on the stove which was a stupid move because it wasn’t stable enough and he almost fell.

It’s his sheer will alone that keeps him standing.

When he steadies himself which takes a lot more effort than he thought it would and a fear, a crippling fear runs down his spine once again-what if he can’t work at the Factory at all? He barely made it around the house. What if he was completely useless or passed out?

Bellamy shook his head-this wasn’t what he should be thinking about right now. His son trembling in his arms, that is what mattered.

He picked some of the syrup Clarke had given them for helping calm down his anxiety and poured a spoon in the milk.

Gus who was half awake half-dozed off but was very distinctly recognizing his dad’s actions was moving his head up like a little kitten looking to nurse from their mom.

Bellamy smiled as he shook the bottle one last time and then brought it to his lips after removing his finger from his mouth that wasn’t doing anything to satiate his hunger.

Gus started sucking immideately, so fast, he was smacking loudly, making Bellamy look at him fondly.

“Good boy.” he whispered as he leaned closer and rubbed his forehead against Gus.

The kid kicked in the air with his foot like he hated being disturbed and Bellamy pulled him to his chest before turning around and leaning on the counter.

It took him a great deal of strength before he made it back to his chair. When he sat and stretched his leg out it shook so hard even Gus trembled in his arms because of it but he was thankfully too busy eating to notice what was wrong and his eyes were already drooping too hard which meant he’d pass out soon.

Bellamy’s startled by the beeping that comes from the intercom behind them and picks up the remote among the pile of clothes on the table, point it up in the air towards the small run down projector, pressing the green OK button to accept the call.

A few seconds later Clarke’s smiling at him from the cot in her room, dressed in a sweet blue shirt and heart-stamped PJs bottoms, her hair tied up in a towel bun and a few wet strands hanging from her sides. 

She looked tired as hell and it takes her a moment to make them out in the darkness of their small compartment. 

“Hey, princess.” Bellamy greets quietly. Gus is tightly wrapped around him and about to drown the rest of the bottle. 

“Hey, you guys are up late, I didn’t think I’d catch you here.”

“Little fella woke up a while ago.”

“Another nightmare?” she asks worry covering her features. Bellamy nods as if ashamed that he couldn’t miraculously prevent this from happening. “Did you give him the syrup?”

“Yeah but we’re almost out.”

“I’ll send it another bottle tomorrow.” he looks away, hiding his face from the lantern, this isn’t what he wanted-just more chairity, but when it came to Gus he couldn’t really argue with Clarke. He had to swallow his pride. If she could give him the medicine for free then he’d take it without complains. “Dad’s clothes look good on you.”

“I lived to see the day a woman tells me she likes me in her father’s plaid shirt and sweater.” he huffs pretending to be annoyed and she chuckles at that. Her laughter makes his heart flutter with momentary joy so he adds “They’re comfortable.” he agrees “Thank you for that. And for the new blanket.”

“It’s not a big deal, Bellamy.” she promises. Gus finishes the bottle with a few last smacks but keeps on sucking, needing more. Bellamy bites his lip-he couldn’t fill in another bottle, he had to ration it. Clarke must notice because she opens up her mouth to say something but Bellamy’s faster.

“How was your day?”

“Good. Exhausting.” she sighs as she takes off the towel from ther head “We had many guards coming in with minor bruises or cuts.”

“Why so?”

“I have no idea. But they’re whining pieces of -” she glances at Gus before she continues making sure he’s still out “shit that always overreact. I swear Gus is a much better patient than them.”

“That he surely is.” Bellamy says softly when he pulls away the bottle and replaces it with his finger again. Gus sucks on it still, his hunger definitely not satisfied but thankfully asleep. 

“How’s he doing?”

“Better...well minus this.” 

“And at day care?”

“Good, no more troubles. But he’s been quieter.”

“And you?” she prods giving him a once over and definitely not liking what she was seing “How’s the cough? Your leg?”

As if on cue when she mentions it, his lungs protest and he coughs in a few times. How it always happened whenever she was around he had no idea but the truth was that though he’s gotten better, the cough had stayed, especially in the eveinings when the electricity was off and the room was cold, but he couldn’t complain. At least his ribs have almost healed.

“I’m fine.”

“Yeah, I can see that.” she moves closer to her camera and he marvels at her face.

How different her world was from his-how much more brighter, more warmer. She was sitting on a big kind sized bed all for herself, her room was filled with light, her clothes were new and soft and she must’ve been warm enough since she was fine wearing just a t-shirt.

The thick blanket covering her bed seemed made as if out of silk or at least the sheets covering it were and behind her he could see a row of neat puffy pillows and some of her childhood toys that she must still be sleeping with.

Bellamy had the urge to move his hand and pass through this looking glass, touch the sheets, feel the warmth, lay his son down in a comfortable bed and let him sleep without even having the need to cover him in three layers of clothes and two blankets like it was now.

“What happened with work?”

“I’ll be seeing my boss tomorrow.”

“Do you think you can do it? Go back to the Factory?”

“I can.” he lied not knowing how to tell her that he could probably make it about half an hour up without having to sit down. “It’ll be fine. You worry too much.”

“I worry because your mom told me you’re barely walking.” Clarke points out as she picks up her hair and starts braiding it “And quite honestly I trust her way more than I do you.”

“Great. My mother and my best friend talking behind my back-it’s every boy’s dream.”

“I thought every boy’s dream was a girl telling him she likes how her dad’s clothes look on him? Or is that suddenly not it?” he chuckles and shakes his head at that but there’s something in her eyes, a question there, that she feels the need to ask and he tilts his head at her waiting patiently when suddenly a loud voice interrupts them and her image disappears.

“An official message directly from Chancellor Jaha’s office! This is an urgent matter! Please do not turn off your devices! ” Bellamy grips Gus’s tiny body closer to his and pulls his head to his chest, hiding it away from the screen.

Thankfully, the volume hadn’t woken him up which was good. A moment later the chancellor appears before him in the tiny dark room and Bellamy feels his fists bawling.

He was sitting on his desk on the Ark dressed in his finest clothes, the flags of all the original station members behind him, a few documents before him, his hands clapsed in a calm collected manner.

“Citizents of the Ark, this is your chancellor speaking!” Bellamy huffs annoyed-yeah, like we couldn’t tell “The reason why I am bothering so many of you this late in the evening is because I have an important announcement to make.” he smiles a little and somehow it reminds Bellamy of the way Morgan did when he wiped the Formula down his face “The members of the group known as The Arrowheads have all finally been captured and locked up.” the chancellor’s face is replaced by footage of guards catching people, hitting them with batons and locking them up, some of them involved the apparent Arrowhead members hitting the force and them fighting bravely back.

It was clearly a propaganda, probably made long after they actually caught them but it looked quite real, Bellamy would give them that, even those who were captured in public had an audience of people who gasped and ran away screaming, probably workers forced to enternain the chancellor’s desires, either from Arrow or Farm, maybe even from GoSci just to spice things up. 

“We are once again safe.”

Yeah, right, Bellamy thought. I feel the safest when I see your face.

“Tomorrow at exactly 12am every person from every station will come join us at the square so you can all see the criminals and watch them be executed and for once justice can be finally brought to all of you who have suffered.”

Bellamy huffs-right, so much justice to us all sitting here in the dark, freezing our asses out being left out without any medical help whatsoever. 

“Presense for all women, men and children is mandatory.” shit, Bellamy curses quitely, he didn’t want Gus to have to see any of that “Please bring your IDs and be patient with the guards at the assigned check points.”

Damn it. He’d have to stay up for what? An hour, half an hour, just to pass through and get to the square where he and Clarke got blown up and watch a bunch of idiots be executed. With his son.

“On another note-the stations that had suffered the most from this horrific terrorist attack-Factory, Arrow and Farm will be receiving additional help.” now that was unexpected “Volunteers from Alpha and Hydra will set up a corner in the mess halls where those who had been hurt will receive extra rations, clothes and medicine after of course proving with a document signed up from their doctors that they have been hurt in the blast.” Bellamy wants to laugh-sure, let us help people but only after they prove they’ve been hurt and not because the entire station’s nation is generally starving out. 

“Everyone with an injury will recieve an extra ration a day, two rations if they’ve been burdened from going back to work because of it and an extra can if they have a child in the family.”

Wow, so he got what-two bowls of algae and a can of beans. You had to admire the chancellor’s loving and caring heart.

“And to those of you who are already back on their feet and working hard, to show our gratitude, we’ll be giving another 15 points for every extra shift you are willing to take.”

Bellamy smiles and ducks his head-so this was it-the Alpha residents were suffering the consequences of Factory and Farm not working full capacity so they were finally willing to give their due?

All this time, did it really have to come to this? If they had the recources, the ration points to give, why wouldn’t they just give them? Why couldn’t everyone in Factory live a normal life? Have basic access to medical care and education? Be equal to those in Alpha and Hydra? Or at least closer to that.

The chancellor talks some more about those who can receive extra rations or help and what the conditions for it are before reminding once again that it is mandatory for all citizents to come tomorrow and those who do not will be quiestioned by the guards and considered supporters of the Arrowhead movement until proven otherwise.

When the video stops, Clarke’s face comes back on and what makes him smile is that she seems as angry and frustrated as he was after hearing all that.

“Well that was a load of crap!” she huffs “But at least I’ll get to see you guys tomorrow.”

Bellamy smiles and feels his heart warm at her words-at least something good would come out of what would be a pretty awful day.

Chapter 13

Notes:

A/N: Hey! I'm sorry for the delay in updating. Frankly, I prolong it because I don't want to post here. That and I've been writing another story parallel to this one and it's been fun for me. Anyway! Not much happens in this chapter but I hope you guys still enjoy it!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

“Pass through!” the guard motioned for the two women before Bellamy to keep going as he limped forward, his crutch in one hand and Gus strapped to his chest just like last night. He had to come and pick up the kid from day care after passing by his work place and talking to his boss which hadn’t gone as well as he had expected.

Gus like all the other kids who had found out they’d be picked up at noon for an hour was enthusiastic. He couldn’t much understand what was happening or why they had to go to the town’s square but Bellamy guessed he could sense something wasn’t entirely right because he looked up at him while they were waiting on their line if his dad was okay.

“I’m fine, big boy.”

“Are you scawed to go back to da squaiw?” Gus had asked, hands wrapped tightly around his neck “Awe you afwaid of another bomb?”

“There will be no more bombs. They caught the bad guys who did this, so everything’s fine now.”

Gus doesn’t seem to believe him. Frankly Bellamy wonders if anything he says makes any sense to the kid but he doesn’t fight him or ask any more questions, he just leans his head over his chest and sucks on his shirt.

“You hungry?” Bellamy asks him when they reach the second batch of guards that reach out for his ID.

“No” Gus lies.

“Then why are you munching on my shirt?”

“Aw...I don’t know, dada.” Gus lies when he drops the piece of clothing he was chewing on and instead shoves his hand in his mouth. Bellamy shakes his head and sighs, picking out a small clean rag where he had wrapped a couple of biscuits for him, out of his pocket.

“Here, take this.” he hands him one of the biscuits before carefully folding the rag back together and hiding the other two back in his pocket, sure that he’ll probably need them later again.

Gus doesn’t protest anymore, he must be that hungry because he takes it and starts eating it, slowly, carefully, savouring every bite and when they meet the third and final round of gruards he folds into himself.

“ID and name of child.” the guard demands as he stops them. Bellamy notices that their eyes falll on his crutch,on his bloody red eye, on the clothes too big for him and the child strapped to his chest.

“Bellamy Blake, Factory. This is my son Augustus Martin Blake, he’s three, also from Factory.”

The guard scans his ID and then leans closer to take a peak at Gus’ face after the tablet showed him that indeed what Bellamy was saying is true and that he was the father of a little boy with freckly face and dark curls with the name Bellamy had stated. 

“I need to see his face better, sir.” the guard leans in closer.

Gus shivers and hides away in the crook of Bellamy’s neck.

“Gus, come on, don’t hide.” Bellamy rubs his back up and down “Please, buddy, they need to see your face.”

“They’ll huwt us, dada!”

“They won’t.” Bellamy isn’t really sure about that one but he has to believe it. Gus just hides further in the crook of his neck and munches on his shirt again now that he’s finished the biscuit in no time. “Gus, please, son, come on now.”

“It’s okay-” the guard says in a softer voice that Bellamy didn’t expect of him.

He takes a look at him for the first time-the guy is maybe in his late fourties early fifties if Bellamy had to judge, he was wearing the typical Black uniform with the helmet and the vest but there was no specific inisgnia on his sleeve like Clarke’s friend Wells or Morgan had.

His eyes were warm and he gave Bellamy a soft smile. 

“Can I?” he reaches for Gus’ back and Bellamy’s first instinct is to pull away which is exactly what he does. The guy’s face falls but Bellamy sees he doesn’t mean anything bad, he pulls away and raises his hands “I won’t hurt you or him. I’m from Factory too.”

“I’m sorry, we’ve just...he’s too scared of the guards.” Bellamy tries explaining and leans heavily on his bad leg, feeling the weight of the world buckle under him. “Can we please pass through?”

“Of course.” the guard who’s name tag says Thomas pulls away but something else passes through his face-an emotion Bellamy’s way too familiar with after seeing it on Clarke, his mom and many of his friends or coworkers-pity. 

“Do you have a document from your doctor? If you do, you can pass through the front rows and maybe get a seat.”

“I just have this orange paper they gave me at the field hospital.” Bellamy digs it out of his pocket, somehow managing to balance it with Gus strapped to his chest and his crutch in one hand. The guard sees him struggling and shakes his head once again.

“No need for that, pass through, I’ll radio the other boys to let you in faster. You shouldn’t be up on that leg too long.”

“Thank you.” Bellamy mumbles a little awkwardly, feeling too embarrassed after this interraction to let it go on any further. Gus’ arms are so tightly wrapped around his neck that Bellamy’s starting to choke a little.

“Ease it up there, buddy, will you?”

“Sowwy,dada.” Gus apologizes sweetly and dares a look up at him “Are we done? No mow guawds?”

“Almost there, buddy.” Bellamy assures rubbing his hand up and down his back in a soothing manner when he feels him tense up once more.

Gus hides back in his chest, even pulls up the zipper of his dad’s sweater, being the smart ass that he is, having already figured that part out, and it makes Bellamy for once, in a long while, smile.

The guards indeed push him through faster when they see his leg and the orange page sticking out from his pocket and he doesn’t know if he should feel happy or relieved.

Gus hides in him until they are guided to the Factory station section.

This time things are strictly separated with many guards inbetween the rows of people from each place.

There was no podium, just a line of guards in the middle of the circle and the chancellor, his son, Clarke’s friend and vice-chancellor Kane as well as the other councillors already there, quietly speaking between each other.

It takes him a moment to find Clarke who’s in the Alpha station sector just behind the chancellor, most heavily protected by not just one but two rows of guards.

He wouldn’ve never seen her had it not been for the rest of his people letting him pass forward with Gus. There were no chairs for their sector though there were for the others and Bellamy decided that must be because despite many of them still being arrested or hurt, they were the majority of the Ark’s population.

They too were heavily guarded but not for the same reasons as the Alpha and GoSci members were-everyone looked at them with fear and even more of the usual disgust, even people from their so called brother stations like Farm and Arrow, and Bellamy wondered how come they seemed so scary to everyone-he looked around and all he saw were people completely ruined and beat up by life-dressed in ragged jumpers, wearing more bruises or bandages on their bodies than grease stains which was almost unbelievable, their eyes tired, looks sleepy, frankly they seemed like warriors coming back from the battlefield.

He shook his head-he couldn’t fix this, he could teach his son not to be prejudiced and remember that he is equal to every other kid on the Ark but he could not make Alpha residents see differently.

That’s why he liked Clarke.

She didn’t care.

She wouldn’t give a damn about his clothes or the grease stains on his jumper, his lack of food, his small living quarters.

But not all people were Clarke. Still, something in him told him that change may be just comes slower in steps, like the trees on earth that used to bloom not all at once but gradually, like Gus falling asleep slowly with much talk and lots of hugs until he rested peacefully.

Clarke was a beginning-a spring blossom in a garden full of weeds and thorny roses but she was not the only one-there was this guard just now and Jackson and other kind people too.

Maybe the Arrowheads core idea was right-that people from all stations should have equal possibilities, equal way of life but somewhere along the way they lost themselves in violence, strikes and all that was left was anger.

Still, when he finds her in the crowd he smiles-she’s adorably trying to stand on her toes looking for something and he’s surprised to find that in fact it’s them because her face beams when she sees him and she unabashedly raises her hand and waves.

He waves back feeling almost stupid, not that he thinks anyone would notice-there were too many people, the sound of crowds buzzing around with fear and excitement, guards moving, giving orders, trying to contain the crowds and yet...there was this strange fluttery feeling in his stomach, one that he can remember feeling with Gina on their first date-excitement and shyness of the best kind.

He mentally scolds himself.

He wasn’t a boy anymore.

“Dada, why awe you blushin? Do youw got fevew again?” Gus who’s tiny hand has raised up to his cheek asks with worry.

“I’m fine, baby boy-” Bellamy responds quietly, shyly, feelings his whole face burn “Do you know who’s here?”

“Who?” Bellamy raises him up in his arms, pulls the sweater away just a bit and points at Clarke. She beams even more when she sees him and waves harder.

Some of her friends and what looked like her parents-he had seen doctor Abby Griffin before, she was one of the best surgeons on the Ark-raise their eyebrows in her direction, clearly disapproving of her childish behavior but she doesn’t seem to care at all.

“Clarke!” Gus exclaims but his voice gets drowned in the crowd’s buzz. Bellamy raises his tiny hand and waves at her.

“Say hi.” he prompts and Gus starts waving enthusiastically.

“Can we go see hew? I miss hew, dada!”

“Not yet, son.” Gus’ face falls at that and he looks back at Clarke with a longing Bellamy’s never seen in him before. He reaches out his tiny arms desperate to just end up in her arms and Bellamy has to pull him back.

“But why?”

“Because the chancellor needs to show us something first, Gus”

“But I wanna see Clarke!” he whines a little, his eyes big and sad, his tiny mouth turn up in the most adorable pout. 

“In a bit, I promise.” he had absolutely no idea if he could promise him anything like that, not sure if the guards will even let the crowd disperse after it was all over but he said it anyway because he hoped for it himself.

He had to hope. 

Meanwhile Clarke who couldn’t hear their conversation but saw that Gus was unhappy was waving again and blowing him kisses. Gus did the same, smacking his tiny palm to his lips and blowing it dramatically back to her which makes Clarke giggle.

Then her mother takes her elbow and brings her attention to herself, breaking the moment and the chancellor steps forward, tapping the microphone place before him before speaking up.

Bellamy immideately puts his hand on Gus’ neck and guides his face to his chest. 

“Citizents of the Ark-” he begins “The day we’ve all been waiting for for almost a month now has finally arrived.” the crowd quiets down and Bellamy feels the collective breaths of everyone in Factory still. People next to him moved around uncomfortably but he focused back on Clarke who was quietly arguing with her mother, exchanging lines in hush voices which worried him somewhat so he lost track of what Jaha was saying.

“...is the reason why we’ve gathered you here. So you can see these people and remember their faces, know they were the reason for all your pain and struggling in the past few weeks.” a door on the left opens and the guards bring in the prisoners who were walking all together in a line, chained like the slaves Bellamy had seen in the old history movies he sometimes caught late on the projector while he was working on mending clothes or feeding Gus. 

It disgusted him as much as it scared him and he found himself pulling Gus closer, hiding his body with the sweater.

“Dada, what’s going on?”

“I need you to keep still, Gus.” Bellamy warned quietly “Don’t look up.”

“Why not?” his childish curiosity was already getting the better of him and he was moving his head up trying to scan the crowd against his father’s attempts to stop him, but Bellamy cupped his cheek and made him look up.

“Please, Gus, just don’t look, okay?” Gus figured things are serious by the tone of his dad’s voice so he snuggled back on his chest and hid under the sweater and the sling Bellamy had tied him up with.

“What’s happening, dada? Will they huwt those people?”

“I don’t know.” Bellamy lied as the chancellor kept talking about the Ark’s unity and the need for proper punishment for those who tried to disobey the orders.

The prisoners were lined up and their names were announced one by one as were their crimes -betraying the Ark and its population, assassignation attempt, terrorism and so on the list kept going until Jaha ended with their sentence-which was for them to be floated accordig to the Exodus charter-one by one. 

Thankfully, they wouldn’t have to see it all-the prisoners would be guided to a hallway on the left where the airlock was, but there was still a large window bay just next to it and Bellamy was sure if you looked there, you could see their bodies floating after. 

“Dada-”

“Shh, quiet, here-” he fished out a biscuit for him and handed it over. Gus didn’t start chewing it right away, too confused and perplexed at first but then Bellamy urged him once more and his hunger overwhelmed him because he began munching on it.

When the first prisoner was brought forward by the guards for one last goodbye to his family, Bellamy wished they didn’t have to be here at all.

The boy was no older than eighteen and his mother wailed as they took him away and her cries startled Gus who tried again to peek outside of his little cacoon.

“Dada, who awe those people?”

“They caused the blast, son.”

“All the bombs?”

“Yeah, they did them.” Gus’ tiny eyebrows furrow as he looks up at his dad again.

“They huwt you and doctow Clarke?” Bellamy nods “Are they being punished now?”

“They are.” Gus hides further in his dad’s embrace and takes another bite of his biscuit. Bellamy finds Clarke’s face and sees she’s been looking at them the entire time, eyes sad and worried.

“Are you guys okay?” she mouths and he nods, though he has slugged to the left where his crutch was and felt the burning in his bones even harder. Gus was a growing kid, he was starting to get heavy and Bellamy had trouble walking even without him strapped to his back but now...now every step was an agonizing terror he had to go through-like he was being shock lashed over and over and over again.

Standing in one place was fine until he did it for too long like now, after which his leg got number and even slower.

He nodded at her and tried to offer a smile that she didn’t buy at all judging by the way her eyebrows furrowed and her lips pursed.

“Awe they dying, dada?” Gus asks after a moment of thinking long and hard about it. They were on the third prisoner now-a woman who’s face Bellamy can somewhat recall from that night at Kevin’s quarters. 

She has a son who’s maybe five or six years old and who wraps his tiny arms around her legs and calls for her.

Bellamy can’t watch either, so he looks away.

Gus pulls his shirt again trying to bring his attention to him and Bellamy swallows hard before he pulls his eyes away from the boy crying and reaching for his mom. 

He shivered.

He remembers the same thing happening to him when he was Gus’ age and he was saying goodbye to his own dad.

“Dada?”

Dada, please don’t go! Dada! he remembers his own desperate cries as he hung onto his neck.

“Dada?” Gus begs again, pulling him by the shirt.

He’s lying in the sling now, like a baby and his eyes are getting droopy but there’s something else in them there now-fear.

He feels something’s wrong and he’s scared as hell. All the guards surrounding them, all the commotion and buzzing from the peolpe nar them.

Bellamy looks around and sees other parents holding their kids like he was, strapped to slings or holding them in their arms but the older ones were watching ahead, staring with the same fear Gus had in his eyes.

Their parents shushed them, pulled their heads to their sides and told them not to look up. Meanwhile the prisoners were being taken away one by one.

He refused to look at the window bay, commanded his eyes not to go there.

“It’s okay, we’re almost done-” Bellamy shushes Gus again picking out the last biscuit and handing it to him. He had dosed them in the sleep syrup Clarke had given him to use for when he woke up in the middle of the night because of his nightmares and he knew, he just knew that he couldn’t let him hear or see any of those executions.

He’s already been through enough, this couldn’t add to it.

Maybe it wasn’t perfectly right, but Clarke had told him that the syrup is herbal-based and doesn’t affect his other functions or his growing so he could use it every day if he wanted to since it’d calm his anxieties without doing him any harm.

Plus after this was all over he’d take him home-he wouldn’t bring him back to day care-the kid could sleep while he worked on the clothes he had to mend. Bellamy needed him close today anyway-he wouldn’t want him to overhear the other kids talking about the criminals and the floatings and filling his tiny head with horrible images that would leave him sleepless anyway.

Gus munched on his biscuit but midway through it he finally fell asleep and his hand dropped to his stomach his hand still gripping it. Bellamy pulled the sweater up so he couldn’t hear any of the women crying for their children or husband’s yells and prayed for it to be all over soon.

The weight of Gus in his arms was getting to be a lot for his poor leg and his fucked up waist though and he began leaning even more on his left, so much that he swayed and lost his balance.

“Here, I got you, Mister Blake!” a voice came from his right, gripping his elbow and he turned around to find a boy-Sterling, who worked with him in Factory, smiling softly and supporting him.

He was a sweet a little too confused and a bit distarcted seventeen year old who never graduated high school but started working at the age of fifteen when his mom died and his dad suffered a work injury that forced him to stay at home and bedridden most of the time.

Bellamy always had a soft spot for him and now whenever he saw him he feared that this would be what Gus’ future would look like if his leg compeltely gave up one day-that he’d be a poor already wrecked and covered in grease seventeen year old forced to take care of his father and bring food on the table.

“Thank you, Sterling.”

“We should get you to a chair but...I don’t see any around.” Sterling said with worry and when Bellamy tried to step forward he swayed even more and almost fell. Gus thankfully was entirely oblivious to it all but when his dad jostled he yawned in his chest and curled up closer to his chest.

“Dammit.” Bellamy cursed, he was suddenly feeling even more weak. Sterling, upon sensing his discomfrt swiftly threw his arm over his skinny shoulders and supported his weight. 

“Don’t worry, I got you.” he gave him his cute pimply smile and looked down at Gus’ sleeping form.

“Gus grew up!” he exclaimed a little too loud making Gus briefly open his eyes before shutting them back down again “Oh, sorry, mister Blake, I got so excited.” he whispered now. 

“That’s okay, Sterling. Thanks for...your help.”

“No worries, mister Blake, I heard you got it rough in the blast.” the kid kept blabbing away as the chancellor continued talking, announcing more names until finally the leader, the woman Bellamy had seen and who provoked him at Kevin’s place, stepped forward.

He recognizes her sharp stubborn eyes even if nothing else about her is the same-nor the hair or even her face-her nose was chipper and her cheeks shallower, her lips much fuller yet still something about her was familiar. 

She turns to the people from Factory before Jaha sends her off on her way-she has no relatives to say goodbye to but she does turnt to them yelling loudly.

“Do you really want to keep living like sheep? Don’t you want a better life for yourself?”

Factory station freezes upon those words-everyone stops talking, the chancellor’s look hardens and he gestures for the guards to push her to keep walking.

“Fight for yourselves like we did! Fight for your freedom! Fight like never before!” she screamed as the pushed her down the hallway and towards the airlock.

Bellamy closed his eyes and buried his head in Gus’ sling, refusing to see her float in space. He felt Sterling’s body holding him up tense as well. Nobody spoke for a long while until the guards came back but Bellamy still couldn’t look up-all he kept thinking was-it’s over, let it be over now, let it all stop, all the violence, all the pain.

And then the chancellor spoke up again.

“Now that we can finally put this behind us, it is a pleasure for me to announce that all borders between stations will be reopened, however you’ll notice that the guards’ presence will remain the same as it has been in those past few hard weeks. We want to make sure that a terrorist attack like that will not happen again so random guard check ups will be conducted, curfew is extended to 2200 hours for all stations and anyone found in the hallways after that will be arrested and at the very least detained for a day.”

Bellamy perks up at that and looks around for Clarke but just as he meets her eyes he sways again and feels like he’s losing all ground from underneath him. His vision goes black for a second and he hears Sterling call him but nothing reaches him.

For a moment he loses grip of reality-it’s that fleeting feeling of being somewhere and nowhere at the same time-he could feel Sterling’s hand gripping his arm and someone else calling out to him, the chancellor still talking loudly on the microphone but he lost himself-it’s as if he drowned under and the world stopped making sense.

“Mister Blake!” Sterling’s voice startles him “Come on now, maybe we should sit down on the floor.” he shakes him a bit and the blackness disappears from before his eyes. 

“No-...no I can’t...I won’t be able to get up after.” he mumbles and Sterling’s face blurs before him again. He couldn’t sit on the floor-it’d be impossible to bend his knee and raise himself up after that and they’d need more help. He couldn’t embarrass himself like that, it was already bad enough and he didn’t want to hurt Gus anymore than he already had.

“Hold on, the chancellor’s almost done and I can see a chair.” the boy whispers and this somehow works.

He breathes in and out, commands himself to calm his racing heart and holds onto Sterling’s body thanking whatever power was out there in the universe for sending the kid his way today.

He manages to clear the blackness out and when he looks up he sees Clarke on the other side, now at the front lines near the guards, arguing with them about something and it takes him a moment to realize that she must’ve seen everything that happened-him swaying on his feet, Sterling catching him and him barely holding on, so she was now desperately trying to get to him.

But Jaha wasn’t done yet.

He kept talking about rations and curfews, medibay and Factory needing to go back to it’s full capacity or at least that’s what Bellamy made out from most of it.

He focuses his eyes on Clarke but she’s arguing with a guard who is already grabbing his baton and threatening to take it out.

“No!” he says but it comes out so weak that it’s barely audible.

And then another man, her father, comes by her side and puts his hands on her arms, pulling her back and talking down the guard.

Oh, thank god, Bellamy thought. He couldn’t bear watching her get hurt, not again.

Just as he’s trying to keep his dizzy look on her, his knee buckles.

“Mister Blake!” Sterling says with worry gettin unable to hold his weight anymore “Can someone give me a hand?”

Bellamy feels someone grab his other arm and throws it over their shoulders. Gus is strapped to his chest, secured at his waist and neck so he thankfully can’t slip away.

His head lolls though and he hears people moving around.

Then someone’s familiar cold fingers touching his cheeks.

“Bellamy!” Clarke picks up his face and he struggles to open his eyes. When he pushes the darkness away he smiles like a child and tilts his head.

“Clarke?”

“Come on bring him over there!” she commands the boys-Sterling and someone else who is familiar to bellamy but he can’t exactly make out his face, though he’s very grateful for the support.

Guards are moving around, people are walking in the opposite directiong but he’s being carried over to the nearest stack of chairs where Arrow station residents were standing up just mere minutes ago. 

Once he’s down it’s like a weight gets lifted off his shoulders. He relaxes into the back of the chair and feels Clarke’s tiny hand on his chest. The other voices-Sterling’s and the other guy’s one, disappear and he feels her breath on his neck which tickles him.

For a minute there he loses track of things again until he feels something sweet being pushed in his mouth.

He opens his eyes surprised and tries to argue but Clarke shushes him and pushes it in.

“Eat it unless you want to really pass out.” she scolds and he complies, knowing that he can’t really win that fight with her.

He lets himself chew and realizes it is chocolate. He’s only had it once in his life before, when he was a child, maybe around five or a six and a person from Alpha had paid his mother for a nice dress with two blocks of chocolate and some cans for the order.

He remembers how Aurora metitiously stored it in the cupboard above the sink and only let him have a piece every other night. It was the most pleasant part of his day and it urged him to finish his bowl of algae as it was the only way his mom would let him have it. Now that he thinks about it, this was her way of making him finish dinner as he was a kid who had a hard time with the algae just like Gus.

It does miracles this time, he feels a little better right away and when he opens his eyes, the blurness disappears and he is faced with a very angry Clarke who’s now taking out a bottle of water from her messanger’s bag and opening it up, pushing it in his hands.

“Drink!”

“What am I? A child?”

“A stupid one at that.” she huffs and after he takes a few sips she picks up his chin and forces his eyes on hers. “When’s the last time you ate?”

“Not that again.” 

“Don’t sass me, Bellamy Blake!” he huffs but reaches out to take her hand and squeeze it, bringing her back to him and trying to make the anger disappear.

“Hey, I’m okay. It’s not that-” her eyebrows furrow at him and it takes her a moment and her eyes landing on his bad leg to realize what he means. He almost regrets ever saying it out loud now that he sees the worry on her face.

“How bad does it hurt?”

“I’m fine.” he squeezes her hand again and smiles “I’m so glad to see you.”

“Bellamy-” she wants to argue but he shakes his head, refusing to let them dwell on the bad things. The truth was his leg was bad now and it’d be bad tomorrow and then the day after that and the week after that and they couldn’t do anything about it. 

“How are you?” he asks again, insisting on changing the subject. Just then Gus moves in his sling and Bellamy’s attention goes back to his kid.

He’s still sleepy, just barely open his eyes and stretches his tiny arm like a baby, before settling back with a quiet sigh and leaning his cheek on his dad’s chest.

Clarke leans over and looks at him.

“Hey, little Gus.” she brings his hand to her lips and touches it carefully. He stirs just a bit but again, doesn’t wake and she fondly reaches to move a strand of hair from his forehead. “He’s asleep.”

“I used some of your syrup.” he whispers quietly and she meets his eyes “Drowsed a few biscuits in it. Didn’t want him to be awake for all that-” Bellamy looks around at the now emptier square. There were still small groups of people mostly guards or Ark personel talking but the chancellor was gone and the crowds were dispersing, each to their station. 

“I know that I should only use it at night but-”

“You did the right thing.” she reaches out and squeezes his hand “He’s already had too much going on.” he smiles before another wave of sharp pain causes his face to twist in agony and he reaches to touch his back right where the shrapnel hit him.

This doesn’t go unnoticed by her and she moves closer reaching for the sling.

“You shouldn’t be carrying him, he’s heavy.” she scolds surprising him when her hands reach behind his back and the chair searching for the sling’s tie.

“What are you doing?”

“I’ll carry him home. Unless you were planning on sending him back to day care?”

“No, I want him with me today, I have some orders to do anyway and he’ll sleep the afternoon off but-” he takes her wrists “Clarke, I got it.”

“You don’t. You can barely walk.”

“I can walk!” he answeres appalled at her statement and she raises her eyebrow crossing her arms over her chest at him “What? I can!”

“You almost passed out because you’re in pain and severely dehydrated. You’re not carrying a three year old child home on your own like this.”

“Clarke, I-”

“I wouldn’t argue with her about that.” another voice interferes and they both jump in their seats only to be faced with a man who Bellamy recognizes as the head of Engineering in Alpha and one of the councilmen, Jake Griffin.

He immideately tenses though the man gives him a soft smile looking at them with curiosity.

“She’s quite stubborn that one, surely doesn’t take it from me though.” he adds winking at them but it does nothing to soothe his anxiety. He’s tense and his arms wrap protectively over Gus’ sleeping body. Jake’s face falls a little at that but he does try his best “I’m Jake Griffin, I believe you saved my daughter’s life.”

Bellamy stares at his outstretched hand for a moment before he remembers himself and tentatively reaches out, shaking it carefully.

“Bellamy Blake.” he utters as he clears his throat “Nice to meet you, sir.” he adds trying to compose himself somewhat.

“Please, call me Jake.” his face stretches in a soft warm smile that’s the same one as Clarke’s “And who’s the little fella?”

“That’s my son Augustus” he doesn’t really let Jake see him, his hand wrapped tightly around his son, protectively shielding him from the outside world and tugging the sweater up, covering his head and throwing Clarke another look though she seems as perplexed as he was to find her dad here. 

“That’s a nice name, Greek one, am I right?” Bellamy nods and pulls closer to Clarke who finally finds her voice.

“Dad, I thought you and mom went back home.”

“Your mother did, I wanted to meet the man who saved my daughter’s life and thank him personally.” Jake answers with ease but furrows his eyebrows when he notices how tense and worried Bellamy is.

He looked like a trapped animal ready to bolt any minute except he couldn’t. Jake’s eyes slide to the crutch by the man’s side, he notices his sweat-beaded forehead, his ragged breaths and the big circles under his eyes and it doesn’t take a genuis for him to realize that this man is severely hurt.

But also scared as hell.

So he eases himself on the chair on his other side and tries to give him his calmest smile.

“Look, Bellamy, I’m not here to do you or your son any harm.” he says calmly, raising his arms in defense. “I just really wanted to thank you for everything you did for my daughter.”

Bellamy visibly relaxes at that but he still inches towards Clarke, like she’s a safe haven that would somehow help him escape that embarrassing meeting between them.

“That’s okay.” he says softly and he can see the warmth in his eyes, the kindness. This was a good man, Jake thought. “I didn’t do anything.”

Clarke huffs at that like she’s absolutely used to him saying stupid things like that and Jake wondered when they grew from friends to something even closer and if they knew this was the case at all.

He remembers her mentioning to him that she met a boy and his dad a few months back during one of her check ups and he had noticed the determined way in which she furrowed her eyebrow set on helping them but he hadn’t recognized it at something more, something...important. At least not back then.

Now he sees Clarke’s hand sneak to his one resting on his son’s sleeping figure and the way she covers it so carefully, so gently. They exchange a look and she gives him a small nod-another confirmation that yes, it’s okay for him to talk to her father, that nothing bad will happen.

“You most definitely did. If not for you her injuries would’ve been much more severe or worse...she would’ve died.” 

He hates thinking about that sceneario and it surprised to see that Bellamy seems to hate the thought as well because he shivers and briefly shuts his eyes.

“Well I’m glad that’s not the case.” he smiles briefly “Otherwise I would’ve misssed that stubborn streak of her that always wants to kick my butt.” Clarke groans and Jake and him both laugh. The tension disappitates for a moment before Bellamy’s laugh turns into a cough and he hides his face in his elbow as a desperate attempt to stop it.

Jake exchanges a worried look with Clarke but she shakes her head saying “not now” that she’ll explain it all later and he nods but sees the way she so carefully leans to him and tries to help out by bringin the water bottle to his lips and letting him take a few sips which seems to help.

“We need to get you home.” she says softly, cuping his cheek with concern.

“I can do it on my own. You should get back to your place, you-”

“No, I’m coming. There’s no way you can get back to Factory like this on your own.”

“I’ll be-”

“Don’t even try it, come on.” she cuts him off and he gives Jake another helpless look before she goes back to untying the sling off his back and shoulders. “I’ll carry him.”

“Clarke, there’s no need-”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Jake asks as Clarke maneuvers the sleeping boy over her chest. The kid must be no older than three but he’s sleeping curled up like a baby and Jake notices that he has the same curly hair and freckly face as his dad. 

What’s fascinating is that he briefly opens his eyes when they move him but once he ends up on Clarke’s chest, he just sighs a little and curls up closer to her, completely unafraid and unbothered. Like he always fit in there because he trust her.

Jake’s heart clenches.

His daughter could be that kid’s mom. Maybe in a way she already was.

Bellamy’s very tender with her and his son. While he helps her put the sling on, something that he says he prides in designing himself, he’s very gentle with tying it over Clarke’s neck and then strapping it to her back, asking if that’s okay and if she’s sure she can carry him at least five times which makes Clarke roll her eyes but in a fond way.

“We’ll be fine. But you can help him get back on his feet.” 

“I got it, Clarke.” Bellamy cuts off clearly feeling too embarrassed to be helped by her father and before they know it he’s trying to stand up on his own but staggers so harsh and so violently that both Jake and Clarke reach and grab his elbows to steady him.

Jake notices the way his knee buckles and how his hand trembles so hard he almost lets his crutch fall.

“Easy there, kid.” Jake syas as he helps him get back to his senses.

“You shouldn’t have come here.” Clarke says angrily when she sneaks a hand on his back.

“I didn’t exactly have a choice in the matter.” Bellamy’s voice comes out weak and then he remembers Jake’s prensence there and quickly averts his eyes. “We should go, you need to be back to Alpha before ten.”

“I can be a little late.”

“No you can’t!” Jake’s surprised when both him and Bellamy blurt that at the same time and when their eyes meet, he sees the worry written all over them. 

“Just because the Arrowheads were floated, doesn’t mean there aren’t people out there who still support them.” Jake warns and Bellamy nods his head in agreement.

“He’s right. I want you back home at least half an hour before curfew. We shouldn’t be playing with fire.”

“You two are so annoying that it’s almost endearing if it wasn’t making me crazy.” Clarke huffs when she helps Bellamy take a step forward. Jake notices the way Bellamy bites his lips at the first step, clearly in severe pain, but he does not let a sound out-the kid was strong. Maybe too strong for his own good.

“You better listen to that boy, he knows what he’s doing.”

“If you knew how stubborn he was, you wouldn’t be agreeing with him.”

“Like you’re any different, princess.”

Princess-that makes his daughter smile and duck her head in an embarassing new way Jake had never seen before. Bellamy’s smirking on his own and Jake can recognize the sweet light teasing of young love.

It warms his heart.

He may not know this man yet but he can see he’s good and kind-hearted.

If something did happen between him and Clarke, he’d not be against it.

“We should go, dad. I’ll see you later.” Jake nods and tucks a strand of hair behind her ear in a fatherly way before nodding at them.

“Please, be safe.”

“You know I will, dad.” she gives him one last smile before she helps him walk. They take a few steps and stop. The sight of them makes Jake wonder how long it’ll take them to get back to Factory and his heart clenches when he realizes how bad this boy was because he saved his daughter’s life.

And he decides that if Clarke needs any help with him, he’ll never say no.

Chapter 14

Notes:

A/N: I'm sorry that it took me almost a month to post again but I haven't been doing that well mentally lately and to help myself and pour my sadness out somewhere I wrote for this other Kane/Bellamy/Bellarke familial fic (that is yes...somehow sadder than this LOL), but I am back to Gus babies and I've been writing some...interesting stuff that I hope you'll like when you get to.

This chapter's longer as an excuse for me taking so much time!

Thank you for reading!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

By the time they make it back to Bellamy’s place, he’s so out of breath and so weak that she’s afraid he’ll pass out and there won’t be any way for her to raise him on his feet with Gus strapped to her chest and no one else around.

But he makes it, maybe by sheer will alone but he makes it and once inside, he leans heavily on the wall, sweat thicking down his forehead while she heads over and puts Gus on the cot, carefully untangling him from the sling and tucking him in with not one but two blankets.

The place was freezing again and there was no electricity.

“The lamp is on the floor by the table” Bellamy tells her, keeping the door open so that the light from the hallway can guide her inside without letting her trip over.

She finds it with ease and puts it on the table, turning it on and shielding Gus from the bright yellow-orange stream that comes from it. 

He still wiggles in her arms, he has been for the past ten minutes which means he’ll probably wake up soon anyway-the syrup was done working its miracles and knowing Bellamy he probably didn’t put too much anyway, knowing that the guilt will gnaw at him for a while after. 

“There are also...some...flashlights above the-” he keeps talking but a cough interrupts him and he’s so out of breath and so pale that she’s afraid he’ll just pass out again like at the assmebly.

“Shh, I got you.” she strides to him, closes the door and helps him loop an arm around her waist before helping him walk.

“No...not the bed...the table. I have to work.”

“You have got to be kidding me-” she huffs stopping midway allowing him the chance to catch his breath “You can’t work in this state!”

“Table” is the only thing he blurts out and she knows better than to argue with him though she really wants to.

She helps him get to the chair by the table and carefully places him down.

The way he bites his lips in pain is indication enough for her that he felt worse from all the walking but what surprises her even more is how he grips the sides of the chair, shakes his head like a stubborn old dog and moves it closer.

She can see him going through it mentally-"I can do it, I can do it, I can do it."

She wondered when he’d realize that this could be the end of him? When would he actually let it sink in?

His trembling hands reach out to the clothes on the table and he picks up a needle, searches for the right thread in the small metal box on his left and when he picks up the blue color to fit with the one of the shirts he has to mend, he takes it out with a groan.

“You need to get to bed.”

“No.”

“Bellamy, you’re in no condition to do any of this right now.” 

“I have to be-” he hisses when he tries to raise himself up in the chair “I have to work tomorrow.” she furrows her eyebrows and pulls the chair from the other side of the table, dragging it next to him and sitting down.

Her hand ends up on his elbow but he doesn’t stop trying to pull the thread through the needle even though he can barely see it judging by the way he’s squinting his eyes.

“What do you mean? You’re going back to the factory?” he nods and stops for a second, taking in a deep breath that just results in more coughs which force him to bury his head in his elbow for a few seconds.

But he doesn’t let himself rest for too long-she hated seeing him like this, trying to make this work when he was clearly in no condition to even be sitting right now.

“Kind of-” is all he says at first as he picks up the red kid shirt he had to mend after finally succeeding with the thread and bringing his hands closer to the light so he can see what he’s doing. She squeezes out an answer from him by gripping his hand with determination which causes him to sigh.

“I talked to my boss today...the best he can do is have me wipe the floors and hallways clean and sort out machine parts. But it’s still a full work day so I’ll take it. And I can mend clothes when I get home for more rations.”

Clarke swallows hard and bows her head down for a moment as her thumb keeps rubbing over his hand.

“Bellamy-” she whispers but he’s faster.

“I know it sucks but it’s the best I can do right now.”

“You shouldn’t be up on your feet that long.” she didn’t know how to tell him without offending him or causing him to react in a negative way that he barely made it up for an hour at the assembly just now and by the end he had almost passed out.

“I’ll manage.” is all he says through teeth as he makes a few neat rows on the red shirt.

She takes a look at him, actually looks at him in that moment with the light barely shining on his face, outlining his beautiful figure that was however slumped and tired on the metal chair.

His curls hung over his forehead, hiding some of the freckles away, his cheeks even in the dark seemed pale and she itched to reach over and cup them, warm them up even if a bit. There was a light stubble on covering them and his chin and she can’t help but indulge herself-her fingers ghost over it and turn his face to hers, forcing him to stop his work for a moment.

She’s not surprised when apart from pain and softness she finds determination in his eyes, that goddamn Blake stubborness that she cursed every day even when it was what kept him alive sometimes. Clarke wasn’t sure when the day would come for it to be the reason he doesn’t make it out of bed.

She had to make sure that day never came.

“You won’t give this up, would you?” she asks and he just shakes his head.

“I have to. For Gus.” somehow she knew he’d say that. Somehow she wasn’t surprised.

Instead of scolding him she nods and reaches out for one of the clothes on the table.

“Then I’ll help out too.”

“Clarke, no, this isn’t your responsibility.” he tries reaching to clasp her wrist with his big hand. Warmth spreads through her and makes her wonder once again how come he always radiates it even when the electricity was off and the room was freezing cold.

Or maybe he was feverish again?

She hopes it’s not that but she is still itching to touch his forehead.

“It doesn’t have to be a responsibility, Bellamy. You are my friends, I love you and I want to help you.” she insists “Will you let me help you?”

He sighs, but his face is still twisted in an unhappy scowl.

“Do you even know how to sew?”

“Excuse me?“ she touches her chest in the most appalled of ways and he smirks at that. She was adorable when she was angry and he has to push down the feeling of wanting to lean forward and kiss her red freezing nose. “I’m a doctor, I stitch people’s skin for a living!”

“I thought you were a general practitioner not a surgeon.” he keeps on and she slaps his bicep causing him to ouch in mock pain. “Really, Clarke...you should probably go back home and rest.”

“I can’t hear you-” she sing songs quietly so she doesn’t wake Gus and grabs an extra needle and a blue thread from his metal box reaching for a pair of torn up jumpers. 

They work like this, together side by side for a while. Sometimes they talk about the Ark and everything they witnessed today. Clarke shares with him that she’s volunteered to be part of the medical center for Factory and Farm together with Jackson. No one else was willing to do it but them and one of the nurses.

“So you’ll be working here?” he asks as he leans closer to see if he mended the sleeve of this sweater the right way and she thinks that he needs an eyesight check up-she’s noticed it before how when he read to Gus he had to practically shove the book up his nose even with those old thick rimmed glasses that he was using that definitely weren’t doing their job anymore.

“Isn’t that dangerous?”

Her heart warms up for him-Bellamy Blake, always worrying for everyone else but himself.

“I’ll be fine, Bellamy.” he sighs and utters something like “So damn stubborn” under his nose but she just chuckles at that “As if you’re any different.”

“I need to do this. You don’t have to risk your life to be here.”

“People need help, you know this better than anyone. Factory hasn’t gotten any real medical assistance since before the attack happened. Now we’ll have medical rations distrubuted to us and I don’t mean just bandages and moonshine.”

He nods as he folds the sweater and picks a t-shirt with too many holes around the collar.

“That’s good. But please just...be careful.”

“There will be guards near the place, controlling the queues and checking the people coming in. We’ll be fine.” she assures but he doesn’t seem like he believes her because he keeps throwing her amused or downright angry looks, like he just hates her doing this and needs to protect her.

What worries her is that every now and then he keeps coughing or moving in his chair, trying to find a more comfortable position-he hurt, he was so clearly bad that it made her angry herself.

“Now that the borders are open, we can take you to medbay and take a better look at that leg, do an x-ray.” 

“I don’t have the rations for that, princess, you know it.”

“I can figure something out.”

“What’s the point? You and Jackson both said this will never get better again.” he pats at his fucked up leg as he stretches it under the table. “Gus’ birthday is coming up and I’ve used all the rations I had saved for it before. I have to start from scratch and I won’t waste it on something that’s already unfixable.”

“We can at least do something for the pain-maybe another surgery that will-”

“Cut it off, Clarke.” he says a little too stern “I’ve accepted this. It’s time you did too.” that pisses her off and she drops the jumper she was mending to her lap.

“Bellamy, I-” and thankfully for him Gus chooses that moment to wake up. He moans a little and when Clarke turns around she finds him sitting in the middle of the lower cot trying to untangle himself from all the blankets.

“Dada?”

“I’m here, big boy.” Bellamy tries to stand up and she sees how hard it is for him to force himself to actually get there. He doesn’t use the crutch, instead he just hobbles over and practically collapses down on the cot, picking Gus up from the bed and wrapping him in his embrace.

“I’m cold, dada.”

“I know, I’ll warm you up.” he promises as he reaches for one of the four blankets and wraps it around Gus’ still sleepy figure, tying its ends on his back and standing back up.

He really almost falls this time and if it wasn’t for her acting quick and standing up, running to him to catch him, he would’ve.

For a moment with her hands on his waist and his head bowed down so close to her she can feel his breath on her and when she looks up he’s staring at her with eyes big and full of pain.

“Dada?” Gus perks up “Oh, doctow Clarke, hi!”

“Hey, Gus.” she leans down and kisses his forehead. The boy squirms in his dad’s embrace and squeaks joyfully. “Wanna come in for a hug?”

“Mwhwm!” Gus agrees enthusiastically and she carefully peels him off of Bellamy’s arms, making sure to wrap the blanket tightly around him.

“Get rest.” she instructs Bellamy, pushing him down on the cot.

“He has to eat.”

“I can do that.” she squeezes his shoulder and he tries to get up again but she’s stronger than him now and just pushes him down.

Just then the electricity comes back in and light illuminates the room.

A breath escapes Bellamy’s lips and Clarke finds him relaxed for the first time in the past few hours.

It gets a little easier from then on now that they can actually see what’s happening. With the radiator working the room gets warmer but Bellamy still refuses to actually lay down and rest and instead gets up and tries to help with dinner despite her and Gus’ protests.

Gus is very cuddly and sweet, thankfully it seems like he has forgotten all about the events from earlier today, which makes Bellamy relax a little too or maybe it also has a lot to do with Clarke being there as well.

The rations Bellamy has picked up for them earlier that day are meager but Gus still eats his entire bowl of algae that Bellamy mixes with some biscuits and then half a can of Bellamy’s beans while watching cartoons during dinner.

Clarke doesn’t want to eat from their food but Bellamy insists and in the end they both share another can of beans with Aurora’s special hot sauce which Clarke loves.

Then Gus ropes her into drawing and she tricks him into color learning and number writing which amuses Bellamy while he works on the rest of the clothes. 

When his cough gets too bad with the more the night goes on, she and Gus make him tea and bring it in hot, forcing him to drink it though he’s grumpy the entire time. Gus feels that his dad’s not okay and climbs in his lap, talking to him or just leaning on his chest and needing to be close to him-as if he’s still afraid he’d disappear or die like he did before. 

It makes Clarke’s heart clench with softness and worry for the boys but it’s also the first time in maybe years since she feels like she is...home, surrounded by family.

It’s only when the electricity goes back down that she realizes it’s past curfew which makes Bellamy freak out.

“You should’ve been back! I can’t believe I let it slip my mind. Maybe if you go around the borders and show them your ID they’ll let you pass and-”

He’s sitting in bed with Gus curled up in his arms, eyes drooping but stubbornly trying to stay awake. She smiles at his sweet panicing face and turns the lamp back on, bringing it closer to the cots.

“Or maybe I could...stay here.” she asks tentatively as she kneels before them and looks up at him with worry “I have to report to the new med center early tomorrow anyway.” his eyes widen at her suggestion and his jaw drops some which makes her doubt her words “Unless of course you don’t want me to.” Clarke stands up and pulls her hand away from his knee.

“Clarke-” he grabs her wrist.

“You’re right, it’s late, I should’ve gone home. You don’t need me to bother you.”

“You’re never a bother, princess.” he insists and she dares to look at him for the first time since she let it slip.

“Still, it’s not...right for me to-”

“Clarke, don’t be stupid! You’re staying!”

“I won’t impose.”

“You’re not imposing, I just...” he clears his throat and looks away for a moment before continuing “I never suggested it because I thought you wouldn’t want to sleep...here.”

Oh.

OH.

He was ashamed of his home.

She squeezes his hand back and kneels before him. 

“I...didn’t want you to sleep in a place that didn’t have any electriticy at night.” he continues and she shakes her head reaching up to take Gus’ hand that was hanging off from Bellamy’s big arm. His eyes were drooping but it seemed like he was trying to eavesdrop on what they were talking about if his sneaky glances were anything to go by.

“I don’t mind that, Bellamy. But I’m sorry if I intruded I just...” it’s her turn to blush “I like spending time with you, guys.”

“We love it too, Clarke.” he assures rubbing his thumb over her hand resting on his knee “Come on, the bed above me is made and I have an extra shirt and toothbrush I can give you.” she smiles and thanks him as her eyes fall back on Gus.

“The little fella is burned out.” she whispers and Gus’ eyes snap open.

“No!” he insists stubbornly which makes them chuckle.

“Come on, son, let’s put the PJs on.” Bellamy says softly removing the curls from his forehead and leaning over to kiss it. 

“No, Gus don’t wanna sleep!” he says stubbornly and tries to sit up but is too tired and falls back on his dad’s arm. “Gus not tiwed!”

“Hey-” Clarke kisses his fingers and brings his attention back to her “What if we brush our teeth together and get ready while dad fixes the blankets? Would you like that?”

He contemplates for a moment before he decides with a sleepy nod and let’s her pick him up.

Bellamy hands her over his PJs and watches them trail back to the bathroom while he fixes the smaller cot above his one and decides to add an extra blanket, hoping she won’t be too cold.

When she emerges from the bathroom Gus is practically half asleep in her arms, dressed in his cute space jammies, his curly hair buried in her neck. She has put on the shirt he gave her and a pair of his only other sweatpants, her hair was tied in a loose braid and her face bore the sleepiness of a person who’s been up on their feet for quite too long. He remembers only now she had a nightshift before the assembly and his heart clenches at the fact that she had to help him walk back to Factory when she could’ve gotten home to Alpha. 

His clothes are too big for her but there’s something endearing in seeing her wear them-the way his collar went a little loose around her neck and exposed her shoulder, making him blush or the way his son was practically half asleep in her arms his hand sprayed over her chest as if in his sleep he looked for a motherly figure.

Bellamy was taking off his brace when they entered but he stopped to stare fondly at them and extend his arms for Gus.

“I think he’s barely here.” she whispers as she hands him over and he carefully kisses his son’s cheeks before putting him down on their cot.

“Dada?”

“Shh, I’m here, big boy. Time for bed.”

“Stowy?”

“Gus...” he shakes his head at him but his son stubbornly opens his eyes while his dad adjusts the blankets over him. The thick duvet Clarke brought for them a few weeks back was surely making their small caccoon warmer, he just hoped it wouldn’t be too awful for her that night with just two thin blankets.

“Stowy dada!” Gus insists patting his tiny hand over his dad’s tigh.

“Fine, let dad wash up and I’ll tell you a story.”

“Awkay.” says Gus and he closes his eyes and cuddles under the blankets but Bellamy knows he won’t fall until he comes back and hugs him, presses him to his side and starts talking. It’s how it’s always been with them.

“How bad is that?” Clarke asks and when he turns around he finds her hands on his brace, carefully undoing the straps and sliding it off. She’s so close again, like before, too damn close and he’s afraid that if she leans just a little further up, he’d-

No.

He shakes his head mentally scolding himself!

Stop it Bellamy! She’s a friend staying over, don’t be a fucking creep!

Thankfully his pain clears him of all thoughts and he tries to pull away from her prying hands going over his swollen knee. 

“Shh, let me go” he tries to push her hands away but she escapes him with ease.

“I won’t!”

“Clarke!”

“Bellamy!”

They stare at each other for a moment too long, his big hand wrapped over his throbbing knee and hers crossed over her chest.

“Let me see!”

“No.”

“Bellamy Blake, you almost passed out today and you’re supposed to be working for hours standing tomorrow, let me at least see how bad it is.”

“It’s fine.” he juts his chin out at her and she sighs coking her eyebrow.

“Excuse me if I don’t believe your expert non-medical opinion.” he sighs at her making a strand of her hair move up in the air. “Stop snorting at me like a horse and let me check.”

“Clarke, you don’t have to care about me all the time.” he tries softly now, reaching for her hand which she doesn’t give him out of stubborness but he still squeezes her shoulder even if a little awkwardly.

“Just because you’re staying the night doesn’t mean you have to give something in return.”

“It’s not about that, you-” she stops herself from cursing at him when she eyes Gus and finds him perking up a little at their conversation “I want to see” she pushes his pant leg up and he rests back on is arms, deciding that trying to stop her would just make her angrier.

“Are you using the cream Jackson gave you?” he suddenly finds the ceiling much more interesting than meeting her eyes. 

“I haven’t had the time to really-”

“You should be applying it every night, it relaxes your muscles, helps your sleep better.” she’s so annoyed at him that he finds it a little amusing but tries not to smirk “Where is it?”

“Cupboard above the sink in the bathroom.”

“Stop smirking, you stupid- I-D-I-O-T.” he chuckles at her spelling it so Gus doesn’t get it but she doesn’t know the kid is pretty smart and probably figured it out anyway if his own childish giggle under the blankets is anything to go by.

“Dada...I think you’w in twouble.”

“I think so too, son.” Bellamy squeezes his foot and Gus chuckles as his eyes open a little wider watching Clarke coming from the bathroom carrying the cream with amusement. 

“There’s really no need to-”

“Have you done it at least once? Have you actually spared a minute to take care of yourself?” she prods and he sighs dramatically but let’s her undo the screw and carefully apply it on his poor knee. He relaxes under her touch right away, her fingers massage the swollen red place with gentleness but also put the exact pressure he needs to relieve some of the muscles from their pain. He actually groans in relief and leans back on is elbows as she keeps carefully threading her fingers over his leg.

“Easy there, Blake, you may fall asleep before your son.” she jokes upon seeing his relaxed face and it makes her feel good that he’s no longer as tense and burdened by pain. “Is this okay?”

“It’s great. Can I hire you to do it every night?” he jokes but she takes it seriously.

“It actually needs to be done at least once a day if you want to take some of the pressure of your bones and kneecap.” he hisses a little when she applies too much pressure on the kneecap but grits his teeth in a desperate way to overcome it.

“With an injury as serious as the one in your back you should be spending a lot more time laying down and making sure your leg is in peace instead of constantly pushing it.”

“Hey, I was sitting up until now.”

“That’s not good either. You put pressure on the wound in your back and it goes all the way down to your toes-” her hand slides on his heel and carefully peels off his sock. His foot is swollen and rough around the edges with small wounds from popped blisters around the edges and on ihs toes. She had notices his boots were in a really bad condition, it looked as if they weren’t even the right size which surely made walking even more uncomfortable.

Clarke makes a mental notice to figure something out about that.

Meanwhile Bellamy’s ashamed of the condition of his feet and quickly pulls away from her.

“It’s enough, princess, don’t get your hands dirty with this.” he says softly but she can see his cheeks are red from embarassement.

Clarke wants to tell him there’s nothing to be ashamed of, especially not his hands or feet-he worked hard all day long, of course he had scars to bear because of it, of course his skin hardened with the tough work.

It makes her wonder when he started working first, if he was just a boy or if he was maybe a little older?

Knowing how things went down in Factory he probably started quite young to help support Aurora and later on as he got married and Gina got pregnant it must’ve been even tougher.

“I’ll go wash up and then it’s story time, okay little man” he tells Gus who is back to barely being there but he gives his dad a tiny "Mhm" before curling up on his own. 

He tries to stand up on his own but without the brace he’s even more wobbly and she helps him by takig his hand and steadying him. He winces when he takes the first step and his hand shoots for his back-she may have worked a small miracle on his knee but the biggest problem was always the wound on his back.

He hobbles over, leaning on the walls like before and she finds herself itching to help him but she knows he’ll never let her. It wasn’t who he is.

Even massaging the knee she considers a win so she doesn’t push-there were limits to Bellamy’s stubborness and good graces-he hated being pitied and helped, he would never let her walk him to the bathroom.

It was stupid as hell.

It drove her insane.

But it was who he was. And she had to respect it.

Clarke stays with Gus until Bellamy comes back and then climbs on the top cot cuddling under the two blankets he spared for her.

Even with them on top she feels herself freezing, the room had gotten cold and fast after the electricity stopped again but Bellamy doesn’t seem to be even slightly shivering.

In fact she catches him wearing just a shirt and basketball shorts as he carefully climbs into bed with Gus.

He flashes her a smile, turns the big lamp off and instead puts a much smaller one on the metal cupboard near the bunk beds.

She’s not sure if he does it for Gus or her but she’s grateful because she can see his face when she looks down and finds him smiling softly at his half-awake son, pulling him to his side and kissing his cheeks.

“Okay, little fella what do you want tonight? Princesses and dragons or myths?”

“Dwagons, pwease.” Gus mumbles softly, very quietly as he adjust his head over his dad’s chest and Belalmy’s big arm envelops him, pulling the blankets and the duvet tighter around them. 

“Alright then-” Bellamy clears his throat and throws Clarke a sneaky look “Once there was a small village near a big mountain where a beautiful black dragon lived, guarding a fortune that many desired.” he began and Gus wiggled excitedly in his arms but closed his eyes as his dad kept quietly talking.

Clarke leaned her own head on her pillow and listened to his voice, allowing it to lull it to a soft easy sleep.

She doesn’t know if Bellamy comes up with the story himself or if he read it somewhere but at the end when greedy men tried to kill the dragon and stop the golden river flowing from the mountain to the villege, the people stopped them from killing the dragon and he spared their lives when he destroyed the evil man with a blaze of fire.

When her eyes are drooping she hears Bellamy kiss Gus goodnight and then the quietest and most softest of sounds as he reaches over to her hand hanging low from her own bunk, she feels his fingers graze over hers.

“Goodnight to you too, princess.”

Her responce sounds more like something Gus would utter but she’s really that tired that she manages a quiet.

“G’night, Bell.” that she believes makes him chuckle but that could also be her sleepy brain.

She dreams of the assembly for some horrible reason but instead of the Arrowheads she’s watching Bellamy with his hands behind his back, two guards on his side. They push him to his knees and use their batons on his back.

He doesn’t scream but he starts crying and she begs for them to stop but another guard holds her back, pushing her away.

When she turns around she realizes it’s Wells taking her away.

“No...please...no! Let him go! He hasn’t done anything! Wells, please, I’m begging you!” she pleads but her mom comes before her and puts her hands on her shoulders, trying to talk some sense into her.

Clarke doesn’t want to hear it, she twists and turns in Wells’ embrace, then somehow miraculously frees herself but by the time she runs to Bellamy’s body he’s choking on his own blood and his eyes are drooping.

Clarke wakes up with a gasp, shaking really hard-the room is freezing so bad she can see her breath and she chokes on her tears.

“Princess?” it takes her a moment to realize the voice belongs to Bellamy who is perking up from the bottom bunk, eyebrows furrowed in worry.

She’s gasping for breath for a moment, sitting up and leaning on her hands, unable to say anything back and when her eyes glance at the clock above the door she sees it’s just after three am.

“Clarke, are you okay?” he shuffles with the blankets and sits up, grabbing the metal railing of the bunk and carefully raising himself.

She can see he swings and almost falls in the process but he doesn’t stop until he’s looking at her and reaching to place his hand over hers.

“God, you’re freezing!” he hisses when he touches her and she’s glad he doesn’t ask about her nightmare but instead waits for her breathing to normalize. Clarke wipes her forehead with the back of her hand and tries to give him a soft and fake reassuring smile that does nothing to calm him down.

“I’m okay...Just a...just a bad dream.” she says through chattering teeth. “Go back to...go to sleep.”

“Nonsense, you’re coming down here” he hushes her, pulling the blankets off of her and gesturing for her to come off the bunk bed “You’re freezing cold!”

“Bellamy, no, I can’t-”

“I promise you I don’t bite.” he tilts his head to the side and gives her his signature boyish smirk “Gus sometimes kicks in his sleep but that’s about it.”

“Won’t it be too tight? I don’t want to bother you, I...I don’t think that I should-”

“You’re obviously not used to Factory conditions and I’d hate for you to be sick on your first day of work, now come on, stop arguing with me already.”he hushes her and practically helps her off the bunk though he’s barely stable.

Sometimes she forgot that though he’s still so physically hurt, he had strong arms and more importantly an unwavering will that is what she believed actually got him through most days.

“Jesus, princess-” he curses when he runs his hands up and down her freezing arms, she feels so pathethic that her teeth are chattering but she actually can’t help it and he just shakes his head and reaches to take off his sweater and before she knows why he’s doing it, he’s shoving it over her head.

“Bell, what are you-”

“Quiet, princess. You don’t want to wake a three year old in the middle of the night, trust me.” he scolds gently and helps her put his thick warm sweater on that smelled so much like him she could get drunk on it alone.

It was a good thing it’s so dark because she refused to let him see how red her cheeks were right now.

“Okay, that’s better, now hop up on his other side. I can’t sleep near the wall because I need to be able to get up if he needs something.” Bellamy instructs, carefully pulling the three blankets and the warm quilt off so she could carefully jump over Gus’ sleeping figure and end on his other side.

“Good, now warm up. You can come closer to him, he won’t mind that.” he instructs and she watches him hobble over to the table, leaning heavily on the chair.

“Where are you going?”

“I need to get something, throw the blankets over your head, it’ll help you get warm faster.” 

“So bossy.” she murmurs but listens to him, pulling the blankets up and scooting closer to Gus whose small figure was radiating heat of its own.

She still peaks up under the covers unable to control her curiosity and sees him rummaging through one of the drawers near the door. He takes something out and comes back, wincing as he walked, staggering without his brace and she can see he’s out of breath by the time he makes it back.

“Bellamy-” she calls out to him when he leans on the top bunk and rests his head for a moment, trying to gather his strength.

“I’m good.” he whispers back “I’m good.”

She doesn’t know if he’s saying it to her or himself.

He carefully peels the blankets off again but this time on the down side by her legs and shoves something there, a smaller blanket of sorts or a pillow that immideately gets a warm feeling there.

He slides down carefully, like even laying caused his back to hurt and when he’s finally on the other side with the blankets thrown over him as well, his face turning to her in a half-smile does she notice his eyes bear pain still.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m not the one freezing their ass off.” he whispers back and rolls to his side, pushing Gus closer to his chest again and then-

Reaching for her waist.

“Come here, princess.” he pulls her closer and though Gus is between them, the kid’s more or less attached to his dad’s chest, his tiny head resting on his beating heart, so Clarke finds herself so close to Bellamy that they’re nose are almost bumping.

She blushes even harder and suddenly starts feeling herself getting warm. Who knew all she needed was to be so close to his face, seeing the freckles spread over his nose and cheeks in much closer proximity than she’s used to.

Okay, breathe, Clarke, this is no different than holding him in the cot in the field hospital, trying to help him out.

But...it is different.

It’s much more intimate and not for any medical reasons.

Well unless you considered the possibility of her losing a few toes or catching pneumonia one.

She presses her freezing toes in his ones and he hisses.

“Sorry!” she pulls them away but he instead tightens the grip on her waist and pushes her closer to them. Her stomach presses into Gus’ back and he moans a little in his cute adorable childish way but doesn’t wake up. Just wiggles in his dad’s embrace and buries his nose even further in Bellamy’s chest. 

“It’s okay, keep them over the electric blanket.”

“Is that what you put down there?” he nods and she adjust her feet back to the small blanket, missing the touch of his body on hers even if it was just their feet.

He pulls the blankets up and tucks them behind her, then runs his hand up and down her back.

“You better?” 

“Much better, thank you.” she says softly and he smiles, staring at her eyes and holding her close.

How he radiated heat even in that environment was beyond her but she’s grateful for it.

“I guess Gus was right.” she whispers as she looks down at the sleeping boy between them and carefully strokes his head, curling up near him. The kid feels another body behind him kicks a few times just for sport but then keeps holding onto his dad, his tiny arm thrown over Bellamy’s side on instinct, pushing into his embrace.

“You are a furnace.”

Bellamy chuckles just barely and pulls the blanket on top over them, so that they’re basically in a small tent of warmth with just enough window for the fresh air to come in so they won’t suffocate.

“Is it like this every night?” his face grows serious and he nods.

“It’s actually a good one this time. There are days when they never turn the electricity back on for dinner and the room doesn’t get any warmth at all.”

“What do you do then? How do you...can you survive like this?”  he shuffles a little under the blankets, pulling Gus and herself even closer to his warm body when he felt her shake again. 

“It wasn’t always like this-” he begins quietly looking down at Gus for a moment and running his hand down his head.

The boy yawns a little and rolls over, spreading between them, arms stretched on both sides, making them smile at the sight of him. He must be finally warm, Clarke thinks, if he’s untangling himself from his dad’s embrace.

“We had electricity cut-outs for as long as I can remember, but it got worse with the big fire explosion that got Gina killed.” Clarke cocks an eyebrow and reaches out to put her hand on Gus’ tummy, mindlessly rubbing it up and down. She’s surprised when his hand wraps around hers and hugs her like a tiny koala bear. 

“I’ve heard there was an engine destroyed then.”

“Not just one, but two. Do you know some of our engineers are still trying to fix them so things can start working properly but it’s hard...and well-” she shrugs “Someone had to pay the price.”

“Factory.” she says grimly and he nods.

“Farm and Arrow too, but we’re the worst out of it. I think the chancellor unofficially pinned the reason for it on us-the workers who died that day, though everyone I’ve ever met around here said it was a technical malfunction, not a person’s mistake.”

Clarke feels herself getting angry again and to calm herself and her raging emotions down she buries her nose in Gus’ curly hair and breaths him in. Once again, she thinks, how none of this is fair. Factory shouldn’t have to pay the price so that Alpha could have electricity all the time.

“Back then we only had electricity for two or three ours at home.”

“Gus must’ve been a baby.” she says realization dawning on her “How did you manage?”

“Not all of us made it. Many elderly died back then out of exposure. Children got sick and passed from pneumonia or other diseases. Gus still has more than one kid in his day care group with missing toes or fingers.”

Clarke’s eyes widen at that and she lets Gus wrap his tiny hand around her fingers as if on instinct, as if he knew she needed it.

“There’s a wall here...in Factory. The Crying wall they call it, maybe I could...take you some day, it’s at the edge of this hallway on level six.” his eyes fill with tears then “The names of all the people who died in the explosion and afterwards from the consequences of it are...written there.”

Clarke carefully maneuvers her hand out of Gus’ baby grip even though he whines a little and rolls over to her side, cuddling to her chest this time, seeking a motherly embrace in his unconscious state, because she needs to take Bellamy’s hand in hers and squeeze it hard.

“Did you write Gina’s name there?” he nods slowly, the tears carefully spilling off his eyes as if he didn’t want to disturb the world with it’s grief.

She’s seen Bellamy cry before, many times, mostly out of extreme pain or worry over his son, he was never ashamed of his tears and she loved that. She loved he showed Gus that he can be strong in his pain too, but this time...his eyes so glassy and so full of sadness made her break, made her own eyes...fill with tears.

Clarke moves her hand up and gently brushes the tears away.

“Maybe some day you can take me there, I’d love to get an introduction.”

He smiles and covers her hand with his on his cheek.

“I’ve only took Gus once when he was a baby. He has asked me many times before but I just...didn’t want him to have to go through this. There is always somoene there...crying or kneeling down and praying and with everything that has happened recently I just...didn’t want him to go through the trauma of it all.”

“That makes sense.”

“Sometimes I take him to the starboard window bay and we look at the sky instead. We talk about her and he asks me questions but I find it much more peaceful there...for the both of us.” he sniffles a little and reaches out to wipe his nose with his arm, looking away from her “I’m sorry, I’m a goddamn mess.”

“No you’re not...you’re perect.” she assures taking his chin up in her hand and moving his face up “She must’ve been one hell of a woman. I’m just sad I never met her.” he chuckles a little obviously thinking of her.

“I think you’d have liked her. You’re both stubborn, you like...”he looks down at Gus making sure he’s sound asleep before he continues  “kicking my ass and you’re smart as hell.” he looks down at his son again and sees how he snuggles closer to Clarke who’s still somewhat cold but much better than before.

She envelops him in her embrace runs her hand up and down his back.

“I just hope she can see him from somewhere and not think I’m doing such a crap job at raising him.”

“Bellamy-” Clarke shakes her head at that “you’re doing an amazing job! Don’t talk like that! This boy adores you so much, he loves you with his whole heart, you are his...entire world!”he seems unconvinced though and for a moment too long he doesn’t say anything at all.

Clarke waits patiently looking at him carefully while she kept holding Gus. Bellamy’s arm was still wrapped tightly around her waist, they were still breathing each others’ air, she wanted to have enough light to be able to count the freckles on his face.

She realizes she could spent a day doing it and never get sick of it.

“Those first few months after the explosion...they were so hard-” he finally speaks up “Gus was barely just one and a half and he had no idea what was happening to him at all...” a fresh bout of tears stream down his face “At night he’d shake in my arms so hard I didn’t know what to do so I would strip him of his clothes and leave him in just his diaper, then press him to my chest and pile a bunch of sweaters and jackets on me, then a blanket or two.”

“Bellamy-”

“The only thing that was the source of some heat as meager as it was were those two thick water pipes in the bathroom. I found them one night when I was walking around the place trying to calm him down. He used to scream because he was freezing cold but that was good...it was scary when he’d quiet down, I never knew if he was just asleep or if he was...about to freeze to death.”

Clarke wraps her hand over his arm and squeeze it tight in support. 

“Later on my friend Raven told me those pipes go all the way to Alpha and GoSci so that’s why they’re always warm. We provide the heating from our generators but we never actually get it.” Clarke wondered how many times she took a bath late after work while Bellamy was freezing in this same room with a baby pressed ot his chest.

“So I’d go there at night and wrap myself around those pipes, I’d...hug them, pushing him to the warmth so between them and my body heat...he somehow made it, but I’d never fall asleep, I’d never...know if in the morning he’d have survived.”

“Oh, Bellamy-” she was crying now too.

God she never knew any of this, she never had any patients from Factory after the explosion, no sick children or adutls, nothing.

Did they just leave them there to die? Did Jaha know about this? About the way those people suffered back then and still did now? About the children that died in their mom’s arms.

A horrible thought passes through her head.

What if Gus hadn’t made it?

What if he had died like one of those kids? What if Bellamy wasn’t warm enough or there were no pipes in their compartment?

What then?

Would the boy breathing in her arms be dead from exposure or pneumonia?

“My mom..she wouldn’t know too. She worried about me then so much but she only told me recently how scared she had been then too. She’d come to check on us every morning and she’d always find me there, kneeling on the floor, hands wrapped around the pipes, Gus strapped to my chest pressed to them. They were never too hot, it was just this barely there heat but it was enough for a child.”

“Not for an adult, though.” she shakes her head at him.

Maybe that’s why now his lungs were so bad, she thinks, puzzling it all together, maybe that’s why he couldn’t get rid of his cough now. His lungs were fucked up from years of breathing in cold air, of working in harsh and terrible conditions, of being sick but never getting threated.

God knows how many times he wasn’t feeling fine but just kept going.

It was finally catching up to him, even now, lying in bed, talking to her, he coughed now and then, buried his face in the pillow and tried to suffocate his suffering but there was only so much you could do before your pain became too much and rolled off of you in waves.

“I guess not. That’s why mom was so scared. She’d come bursting through the doors and when she found me there, she’d kneel down and pick my head up, check if I was alive, breathing.” Clarke’s heart clenches at the image of Aurora’s worried face “She said recently that I worried if Gus would make it through those nights but she was afraid if I would too because as much as I cared about my son so did she for hers.”

“I’m so sorry it was like this, Bellamy...that it is still like this.” he gives her a small smile and shakes his head helplessly and looks down at his sleeping boy. “It must’ve been so hard.”

It still was, she thinks, it was still so damn awful, the way he worried and sacrificed for his boy because they didn’t have basic necessities.

“It was awful when my worst fears came true and he got sick last year, before we met you. He was coughing so bad I didn’t know what to do and I had no idea if we could afford going to medbay at all but with mom’s and mine ration points we somehow made it.” he puts his hand on Gus’ stomach and the kid turns to his dad in his sleep, opening his mouth and drooling a little on the pillow in the most adorable of ways.

“I don’t know what I’ll do now if something happens to him...I have nothing.”

“That’s not true.” she squeezes his hand again “You have me.” his big eyes shoot at hers and he gives her a surprised look “I’ll always help you guys out.”

He humms in responce and she yawns a little, feeling herself getting tired again.

“You should rest, princess. Got a big day tomorrow.”

“I’m okay.” she mumbled but her eyes were starting to droop. She was finally warm enough that she could actually feel her muscles relax and she cuddled closer to Gus and Bellamy.

Their foreheads touched and she felt herself blushing even harder. His breath was warm on her face and in their little caccoon that was almost like a tent of sorts, she was starting to drift off.

A thought passes through her mind when she closes her eyes and tells herself she’ll be just a moment.

“Why were you awake?”

“I don’t sleep that much. Never have.” he replies softly back and she feels his finger run soothing circles in her lower back.

Somehow her body itches to get closer to him so she does and he feels it, senses that she’s seeking his warmth so he chuckles lightly and gets even closer to her, as much as he can with Gus inbetween. His feet never touch the electric blanket, though, that he leaves for her.

“Do you hurt?” she asks not recognizing her own voice anymore, heavy with sleep and weariness.

“I’m good, princess. Sleep now.” she almost hates how awake he is, wishing she could stay up for just a few more precious moments, but sleep pulls at her and feeling Gus’ soft small body and his quiet coos here and there, as if he was a baby which in a way he still was, she lets herself fall. 

And then in her last coherent moments she feels his lips on her forehead and the gentle caress of his hand on her head.

“Sweet dreams” he whispers and it’s the most loved and full of warmth she’s ever been.

Chapter 15

Notes:

A/N: This is a shorter chapter than the previous ones, but I hope I can post twice this month so once more apart from this. I didn't want to move to the next moment since it's more complicated one so I decided to split them in two parts.

Apart form this, I want to say that I have now used the "No comment" option here, which means that you won't be able to leave a comment. I don't know how long that will be and if I'll change it later on but for now I have received some nasty comments after the last chapter I posted including a person telling me to go fuck myself and I also feel a little overwhelmed by the amount of people trying to tell me what I should do and where I should take the story (that being for Bellamy to move in with Clarke) mostly because I have already written far ahead, I know what's happening and this just brings me anxiety.

I understand people being passionate about the story but some of these make me feel bad and doubt myself so I decided that if I want to keep posting here and not just on Tumblr, I will do this.

So for now comments are disabled.

If you really want to tell me how you liked the chapter you can message me on tumblr at @bellamyblake!

Thank you all for reading.

She doesn’t know how much time passes before she wakes up again but it’s early and if her glassy, sleep-heavy eyes are correct, she catches sight of the electronic clock that says it’s just five-thirty in the morning.

Bellamy’s sitting up, putting on his pants and brace with his back to them. Gus’ curled up on his own, his face pressing to her chest, breathing, sound asleep.

“Bell-my?” she mumbles quietly and he turns around, face tired but eyes much awake and he smiles.

“Shh, you still have some time, get more sleep.”

“Where are you going?”

“Breakfast.”

“Isn’t it...early?”

“Rations in Factory are delivered before six in the morning.” he explains as he’s standing up and tucking her and Gus back in. The electricity is back on from what she can see but the room is still freezing cold, his breath visible as he spoke. “I’ll wake you guys later.” he promises when he runs his hand down Gus’ curly hair and then squeezes her arm up before he’s up on his feet.

Her eyes droop again, she must be that tired but she does register him limping to the door, throwing his jacket on and grabbing his ration points card from the table as well as the bag of clothes they had mended the night before.

He’ll probably need to bring them over to Aurora and pick new ones, she thinks. "I should’ve gotten up and helped him, asked him if I could do it all instead of him so he doesn’t tire himself."

But she falls asleep again instead and with Gus so tightly wrapped around her she feels like she’s the happiest she’s ever been in a very long time. 

She does hear him come back. Even though she hasn’t spent any time with them lately, she’s already getting accustomed to his limp, the way he breathed, his coughs and she could tell what he was doing even though she was still too tired and sleepy to open her eyes.

Then a nice smell overwhelms her-of coffee and some toast but still he doesn’t come-she hears the bathroom door open and she decides her and Gus must have at least a few more minutes.

The kiddo has moved with the morning noises his dad made as well, but he was stubbornly nuzzling himself even closer to Clarke’s chest. Her nose was buried in his curls and she was breathing his sweet childish scent in. 

When the door opens up again she forces herself to crack an eye opened and sucks in a breath when she sees him half naked, obviously having just taken a shower. He had put on his working jumpsuit but the upper part and the sleeves were down, hanging from his waist.

He was drying his hair off with a tower, leaning heavily on his left side because of his bad leg.

Clarke has the urge to call him, say something, bring his attention to her but she stops herself and just marvels at him. There was something unearthy to Bellamy in that moment, he looked, despite his many scars and the loss of weight, like one of those Greek characters he told Gus about.

It was as if the gods had chosen him to punish the most but he still stood proud and beautiful and just so brave that it took her breath away.

This was him, her Bellamy, the strongest most stubborn person she knew whose loved spilled off of him in waves, who lived and breathed for his son, who gave his life away in pieces for everyone else without thinking of getting anything in return.

The thought scared her too and her eyes fell for a moment roaming over his wrecked body.

As beautiful as he was, he was also so damn hurt.

A cough shook him, he winced and reached to grab the metal chair by the table to steady himself-a moment passed where he had his eyes closed and she wondered what was on his mind in that moment-was he telling himself to just get over it or was he praying for it to pass as fast as it can.

Maybe it was both?

She’s rarely seen him allow himself a moment of vulnerability like that, maybe it was because he thought she was still asleep and nobody could see him, but he sighed heavily, pulled the chair and sat down, stretching his leg out and massaging his knee with one hand. Another cough shook him and he moved his arm to his head, burying his face in his elbow.

Clarke wondered if he ever got too tired of it. He must, she thinks, but he pushes forward.

Her thoughts manifest themselves when he looks at the bed, obviously thinking of his son and finds her peaking which made him embarassed for a moment though he was quick to hide it with a sneaky smirk.

“Can’t take your eyes off of me, princess?” he jokes and it’s her turn to blush and bury her face in the pillow. She closes her eyes and hears him stand up and limp to the bed, sitting down with an ungraceful thud. Even from here she can smell the soap and freshness off of him.

“Is it time to get up?” she asks refusing to open her eyes, hugging Gus closer to herself.

“I’m afraid so.” Clarke groans and just buries her nose deeper in Gus’ curls. The kid shuffles but just spreads closer in her arms.

“Come on now, I have enough trouble making him leave the bed, do I have to deal with you too?” she just groans again and pulls the blanket up her head, making Bellamy chuckle. Gus moves in her arms and rolls on his back, cracking his eyes open as well but moaning right away when he realizes its morning and moving back to Clarke’s embrace, hiding under her arm. 

“There’s coffee and toast.” he puts his hand on Gus’ little bundle and shakes him a little “Some oatmeal for you too, little monster.”

“No, dada-” Gus groans “No get up.”

“I agree with the little man.” Clarke says “Five more minutes?”

“We’ll be late for day care. I need to get to Factory soon and you to work.”

“But dada...just faiv more minutes, pwease?” Gus begs, opening up just one eye and giving his dad the sweetest of looks “Doctow Clarke’s so warm. Gus likes it here.”

“So I have been replaced already, huh?” Bellamy jokes and Gus wraps his tiny arm around his index finger and pulls at him.

“Come on dada, youw cold, come get warm.”

“Augustus Blake, I know your plays, it won’t work on me.” Gus groans again and it’s time for Clarke to laugh-the kid was definitely not an early riser, he was so unhappy being awake that his face was twisted in the most adorable of scowls.

“Dada...just faiw mow minutes pwease?” he begs “I’ll bwush my teeth on my own.” Bellamy sighs and leans over, kissing his forehead.

“Five minutes! I’m clocking it!” Gus’ face melts in the most adorable of smiles and he lets out a tiny "yey" before burying his head back in Clarke’s chest. She’s fully awake now but she can’t say she wants to argue with Gus on the staying in bed matter-it was so warm here and she felt better than she had in months. 

“This boy’s got you wrapped around his little finger.” she says with a smile.

“Wish it was only him.” Bellamy winks back and she feels herself blush again. He’s about to get up when she reaches for his wrist and pushes him back.

“Hey-” he gives her a confused look “Thank you for...last night. I’m sorry I was such a bother.”

“You’re never a bother, princess. It was too cold.”

“Not for you.”

“Yeah, well, I’m used to it.” he promises and she thinks how that must be the saddest sentence she’s ever heard come out of his mouth. Her face falls and he looks away realizing that maybe he shouldn’t have said that “Come on now, if you help me take him out of bed I’ll share my coffee with you.” she nods and carefully peels off the blankets away.

Gus is wrapped around her middle and her heart clenches when she looks down at him like that.

He moans at the loss of warmth but she raises them both up and rubs her hand up and down his back.

“Come on, little man.”

“Noooo. No get up! No!”

“Shhhh, come here!” Bellamy reaches out and carefully peels him off Clarke’s arms, letting him curl up on his naked chest instead. 

“Sweepy monster pull Gus down to bed!” Gus mumbles trying to wiggle out of his dad’s arms and go back under the covers. 

“Is that so?”

“Mwhm.”

“What if I told you there’s some really nice oatmeal and milk waiting for you and then dad and doctor Clarke will walk you to day care, how about that?” Bellamy prompts “You think you can fight the monster away?”

Gus peeks up from under his curls, then turns to Clarke.

“Wealy?”

“Yes, really.” Bellamy winks at Clarke and she smiles-of course she’d walk them to day care.

“It’d be a pleasure Gus.”

“Can Cwalke help me wash up?” Gus pushes again his eyes big and wide, definitely awake now. He was so adorable in his tiny PJs, with his curls spilling all over his forehead and she can’t help but notice the way his tiny hand is spread over Bellamy’s big bicep.

“Gus-”

“I’d love to!” she promises just as a way to distract herself from Bellamy’s still half naked body. 

“Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” she promises and reaches to take Gus from his dad’s hands “Come on, little man, you can show me how good you are at brushing your teeth.” She raises herself up on her feet with ease that Bellamy almost envies-ever since the accident he’s felt more and more useless, unable to take proper care of his son, feeling like Gus truly deserved better than him.

With Clarke he had that.

He had someone who could effortlessly lift him up, hold him, carry him around, run and play with him.

It has been just a few weeks but only now was he actually letting it sink in that his life is forever changed after that day on the square. He made a choice to help Clarke, cover her up, save her and he does not regret it one bit, he’d do it again in a heartbeat and pain...pain he could get used to or at least he thinks so, but not being enough for Gus was killing him. 

He still goes through the motions, puts on his brace, throws a shirt over his shoulders and buttons up his jumpsuit. By the time they emerge from the bathroom all clean and dressed up, he’s made it to the table.

“Look at you-” Bellamy gushes when she hands Gus over by his request “Such a big boy.”

“I’mma be even biggew soon, dada!”

“That’s right. Your birthday’s coming up.” Bellamy says running his hand through his curls and putting him on his lap. The kid leans on his back and Bellamy hands him the spoon, urging him to start eating which thankfully he does which means he must’ve been pretty hungry. 

“When’s the big event?” Clarke asks settling opposite of them. Bellamy pushes the coffee cup he’s poured for her in her direction and she doesn’t fail to notice his has less in it which makes her furrow her eyebrows. 

“Why do I have more?”

“I already drank most of mine. We don’t have coffee often in Factory. I’m guessing Jaha’s trying to get back on our good graces so most people go back to work.”

“And a cup of coffee would work like that?” Bellamy shrugs and brings the cup to his lips for one last gulp. He’s gotten some algae and a toast for her as well and it seems once more too convinient that he’s already ate his on the way back home but she doesn’t want to fight him on it in front of Gus so she simply starts eating. The algae is horrible. She hates it as much as Gus clearly does and Bellamy laughs at the face she makes. If she was back home she’d be eating a full coarse meal with at least two eggs, some bacon and a couple of toasts with butter. Definitely more than just half a cup of coffee too. 

“People don’t need much around here.” he mumbles, running his finger over the rim of his cup that lacked a handle “It’s the little things that count.”

“You never answered, you know-” he looks up at her surprised “About Gus’ birthday?”

“Oh, it’s in three weeks, right, little man?”

“Twee weeks!!!” Gus exclaims,mouth full with oatmeal that he was destroying at an incredibly fast pace “Youw invited!” he tells her without any promptness whatsoever making Bellamy laugh and Clarke look at Gus stunned.”I can invite doctow Gwiffin, wait, dada?”

“Absolutely, little man.” Bellamy reponds softly, helping him brush some of the oatmeal away from his mouth and clean it up. Gus lets him and then grabs his spoon again. He definitely had an appetite this morning.

When he glances back at Clarke he finds her eyes filled with tears. 

“You okay?” he whispers and reaches over to cover her hand with his while Gus is too busy staring at the cartoon on TV to notice their interraction or Clarke’s confusion. “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to or-”

“Of course I’m coming!” she promises squeezing his hand back “I’m just...surprised that’s all.”

“In a good way, I hope?” the tension in his eyes makes her heart clench-he worried too damn much so she hurries to nod and push it all away.

He relaxes in the chair and stretches out his bad leg while Gus keeps destroying his bowl that was almost empty.

“What do you buy a three year old?” another wave of worry overwhelms her and Bellamy tries not to laugh at her efforts. She’s so adorable when she’s confused, it makes his heart flutter in that weird adorable way in which all he wants is to lean across the table and kiss her.

“Technically he’ll be four.” Bellamy smiles and nods at his son “And you can ask him that yourself.” she takes a deep breath and looks at the boy who’s just finishing his meal and doesn’t seem at all too happy that it’s over.

He hands his dad the bowl and Bellamy helps him take a few sips of the tea he’s brewed for him, mixed with some formula. Gus insists on drinking on his own and spills a little over his cheek so Bellamy tugs in his jumper sleeve and brushes it away.

“Twanks, dada.” he utters and leans back on his chest, happy and content, sipping from the cup that was too big for his tiny hands.

There were so many things she wishes she could get for him-his PJs were too ragged and old, he had just a few pair of socks and only one jacket.

She was well aware Bellamy needed more clothes for him, more books or even toys. Now that she thinks about it, she has only seen one tiny dog made from pathces and old clothes that Gus called Rufus for some reason and who was in bed with them last night, pressed between her and Gus as they slept.

The kid liked munching on it sometimes when he was falling asleep and the poor thing was far from resembling any animal at all anymore.

But even if she could buy him new clothes and stuff for school or toys, she knew Bellamy wouldn’t want her to. He’d not take it well and maybe he’d be right-showering him with things he can have now for the moment meant spoiling him and in the future as he grew and started wanting or needing more, he’d have to go back to getting used to not having it because of the way they lived.

So she had to honor Bellamy’s wishes. And she would.

But she was also desperate to get him new boots because even now she saw how apart from all the pain he was dealing with in his back and leg, he was stumbling on his feet too. Somehow she was certain that by the time he came home that night his feet would be full of fresh blisters oozing or even bleeding through his thin paper socks.

Bellamy urges Gus to hop off of him and get dressed while he cleans around with her help-they wash the dishes together (with him leaning heavily on the sink) and then make the beds.

By the time they’re our the door, Factory station hallways were bustling with life. It was early still, just before eight but things in Alpha didn’t start opening before nine or even ten whilst everyone now seemed to be heading off to work. 

Gus was so small that he had to be picked up in his dad’s arms so he doesn’t get swiped with the crowd and Bellamy instructed Clarke to hold onto his arm so she doesn’t get separated or lost.

He knew where the place for the new clinic was and he promised he’t take her there but first they had to drop Gus off.

The more they aproached the place, the sadder the kid got. He cuddled into his dad’s chest and rested his eyes as Bellamy limped through the crowd. Clarke tried talking to him, asking him what he wants for his birthday but he simply shrugged and tightened his grip around his dad.

“He hates us separating in the morning-” Bellamy explains quietly to her.

“I thought he loves school?”

“He does. He just...I guess he’s anxious that I’ll leave him and not come back.” the fear and anxiety in Bellamy’s own eyes made Clarke squeeze his elbow tighter. They were a little slow going with his limp making him stop every few minutes but she never once urged him or pushed him to keep on until he was ready. 

“That’s normal, every kid has those fears.” she reassures him trying to convince him that this isn’t something he can fix but just yet another experience that Gus had to go through on his own, like everyone else.

There are too many guards everywhere-the hallways, the mess hall, the Factory’s enters and exits and even Day Care. Bellamy shows them their passes and they’re allowed to move in the inner space before the smaller gates. 

Factory, Farm, Arrow Day Care and Elementary school-said the big colorful sign on the wall above it. There was a small wrench, a pot tree and a colorful cloth drawn all around symbolizing each of the stations.

Children had to wear their stations colors when attending school-blue was for Factory, green for Farm and Orange for Arrow. The boys had tiny cloth pieces adjusted to their arms and the girls had ribbons in their hairs. Clarke remembers her own white Alpha one that was still hanging somewhere at her parent’s place, a fond memory of her father making her braid in the morning and tying it for her made her heart warm.

Now Bellamy carefully drops Gus down and unties the blue ribbon from the place he’s wrapped it on his tiny bag’s handle and wraps it up around Gus’ left arm. 

“Here you go, little man.”

“Dada, youw be awkay today?” Gus asks tilting his head at him “Fiwst day back to work?”

“It’ll be fine, Gus. Dad’s all healed up now.” Bellamy reassures dragging his hands up and down his tiny arms “Now let’s go over it again-water?”

“In the left pocket” Gus says patting his back with his tiny arm.

“Sandwich?”

“Front smaller one.”

“Your homework?”

“The biiiiiiig one on da back!”

“Good man!” Bellamy ruffles his curly hair and leans down to kiss him “I want you to be a good boy and eat everything at lunch, listen to miss Karen and missis Claire and not chat with Jordan during class, okay?”

“Awkay, dada!”

“If you get cold, I put an extra shirt in your bag. Tell miss Karen to help you put it on.”

“But dada, I can put it on my own!” Bellamy chuckles at that.

“Okay then. Now hug me goodbye.” the kid wraps his arms around his dad and hold him tight. “Be safe today.”

“You too, dada.” Gus whispers and when they pull away he raises his tiny hand in the air and sticks his index finger out “And west your leg!” Clarke cuhckles at that.

During the entire exchange, her heart has been growing sizes-seeing Bellamy so sweet and caring to his son, not that it was the first time, but out here in public, it was as if they were in their own little world filled with love for each other where nothing else-not the damp cold hallways, not the noise from the machines or the people talking as they walked by-could ruin it.

But what she’s most surprised of is when Gus pulls away from his dad’s embrace and looks at her, stretching his arms.

“Doctow Clarke-hug!” he demands and Clarke’s fill with tears as she leans down and hugs him tight. “When can Gus see you again?” he asks sadly when they pull away a little.

“I don’t know, sweet face. Doctor Clarke’s starting a new job today, here in Factory. I’ll help out people like you and your dad.”

“So you’ll be around?”

“Yes, a lot more often. But I’ll also be very busy.”

“Maywbe dada and I can come see you sometimes after school and work?”

“Gus-” Bellamy warns him softly, shaking his head at the boy, reminding him not to impose but Clarke waves him off-they were way beyond that point. They weren’t strangers anymore-they were friends and friends saw each other all the time and helped each other out. 

At least that’s what she told herself.

“Of course you’ll come and then we can maybe go to the playground or draw, how would you like that, huh?” Gus nods enthusiastically just as the door behind them opens to welcome a Farm station kid and one of the teachers, dressed in blue that Clarke remembers from the Unity Days celebration, approaches them.

“Hey, Gus, ready to go in?” she asks softly and Gus nods but not before throwing himself in his dad’s embrace one more time and hugging him tightly.

“Time to go, Gus.” Bellamy whispers “I’ll be back before you know it to pick you up.” he promises pulling him back and peppering his face with kisses before adjusting his jacket and fixing the straps of his back and removing a long curl away from his forehead. “And we’re cutting that hair when you come home.”

“But dada! Gus don’t want!” Clarke intervenes then, squeezing his arm and turning him to her, swiping his bangs away and sliding her hand down his cheek, cupping it gently. 

“Dad’s right, Gus. You need to let him trim it at least a little. I can’t see your pretty eyes like that.” Gus gets shy at that, blushing too hard but agrees with a sigh that sounds too grown up like making her and Bellamy stifle a smile and then she’s kissing his forehead and letting him go.

“See you and the miss later.” the young teacher says with a smile as she takes Gus’ hand and opens the doors wider.

Before Bellamy can oppose her, they’re gone and Clarke and him exchange confused and shy looks-it was clear the teacher thought there’s more to them than just friendship but neither had the time to prove her wrong or, as Bellamy thought, really wanted to.

He was well aware that this game they were playing was a dangerous one. They weren’t a family, they weren’t boyfriend and girlfriend-they were friends.

Or maybe a little more than that? his inner voice protested loudly against his logical thoughts.

He shook his head. He knew Clarke loved being around Gus but that didn’t mean she had to be there for the real things like helping him with homework or tying his shoes or wlaking him to kindergarden-those were parent things and she was just a friend doing them out of the goodness of her heart. 

But he had no idea where they drew the line. Could he ask her for help with him if he was too busy with work and couldn’t pick Gus up from school? No, probably not because she had her own job that was really demanding. She had her life back in Alpha, friends, her own place with electricity, warmth, good food.

He couldn’t let her get sunk into that shit. Into the darkness of their hallways, into the pain of their souls and hearts that they carried with them every day.

No.

She was a friend. She could sleep over and he could cuddle with her for warmth but he couldn’t ask anything else of her and he shouldn’t-this wasn’t her job.

This child wasn’t her responsibility.

It was his.

And he shouldn’t confuse Gus with it either. It has been working well so far with them not seeing each other all the time because of everything that has happened but he knew his son was getting attached-he could tell by that hug alone and how tight he was holding onto her. He had to sit him down tonight and try to explain that Clarke wasn’t like grandma Rory or him-she was like Jordan and Monty and Harper. 

And hope he won’t entirely ruin everything. 

“You okay?” Clarke asks him as they walk down the hallways towards the new medbay. He was already feeling tired and in pain and he hasn’t even started work. Walking proved harder than he thought it’d be and he had to stop every now and then and lean on the walls “You should’ve taken your crutch.” He had refused to-he couldn’t see how he could use it either way-was he supposed to hold the rag or support himself with a crutch as he wiped the floors clean.

No, he won’t be like that.

He won’t be weak.

He could take the pain.

So he grits his teeth and gives her a curt nod as he keeps walking her down the hallways.

“I’m fine.” he hears her huff annoyed behind him but he doesn’t pay any attention to it instead, when they take the last turn, he stops abruptly and she bumps into him, almost sending them both toppling over. 

He gasps.

The hallway was already full of people and he could see Jackson at the end of it, standing in the doorway of what seemed to be their new so-called “clinic”. He had his suspicions this was just an old bigger apartment or storage room lent out to them just so Jaha can say he provided a place for Factory and Farm station people to receive medical help.

“I’d say it’ll be a busy day, princess.” Bellamy says when he turns to look at her, finding her wide eyed but unafraid. Her face sets in a determined scowl and she literally pulls her sleeves up.

He smiles as he watches her and thinks how he’d wish for nothing more but to lean down and kiss her goodbye, wish her a great day and promise to see her later.

But instead all he does is squeeze her shoulder in support one last time and offer her a soft smile.

“Good luck.” he says and she smiles back but surprises him when she stands on her toes and kisses his cheek.

“Thank you.” she whispers looking at his eyes with love and honesty that overwhelm him “For everything.”

He doesn’t know why she’s thanking him but he stays there as stunned as he has ever been. She disappears down the hallway and joins Jackson in while they welcome their first patient-an elderly woman who’s cough was as horrible as Bellamy’s and echoed down the walls.

On his way to Factory he wonders how he’s supposed to tell his son that Clarke is just a friend when he didn’t believe it himself.

Chapter 16

Summary:

A/N: Hey, guys! I said I'll update twice in April so on the last day of this hellish month, I am.
I decided to turn comments back on but only for registered users. I've had too much pain in my life, too many awful comments both on Tumblr and here but I guess I chose to believe in kindness.

Thank you to all of you who still read this story.

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

In the next week and a half Clarke sees Gus and Bellamy four times.

She’s very busy with the center since as it turns out people in Factory and Farm were in desperate need of help not just because of the blast but in general.

Her day began before eight in the morning and ended after nine with her and Jackson absolutely burned out.

Things were definitely harder than she expected and though Jaha had lend out medicine for them to use, they still lacked and had to ration because there were just too many people out there who were sick. Clarke quickly found out that most of the elderly in Factory had the same horrible cough Bellamy did ( which only made her worry more because he was too young to be suffering like that), more than fifteen percent had cancerous diseases and had received no treatement and over half of them died from heart complications that were never even detected in the first place.

The younger generation that was in their mid to late-forties already had arthitus as well as already ruined lungs and horrible headaches and the younger parents like Bellamy had high blood pressure and suffered the most injuries out of everyone as the group who carried the heavy load of keeping the station alive and working. The children were weak and malnourished, sick more often than not, very small.

Some of them were so bad she had to admit them for a few days in hopes she can do anything at all to save them. 

Unfortunately as much as she didn’t want it to be true, many of them still suffered signs of exposure and the older ones that were between the ages of eight to ten who had lived and survived when Gus was still a baby and Bellamy kept him pressed to the warm pipes in the bathroom, were missing fingers and toes or even parts of their ears.

It was horrible.

And the more she worked, the angrier she got.

She and Jackson weren’t enough but no one else volunteered except for Harper-Monty’s wife, who had worked as a nurse briefly before she married into Monty’s family and became a Farm station citizent and an elderly woman called Alondra who used to be a midwife and in fact gave birth to more than half the children in Factory.

They were at their wit’s end with what to do and how to fix things, though.

Jackson and her needed more space for beds for all the people who needed to be admitted and observed but all she had was five cots and a bedroll her and Jackson took turns sleeping in when they got too tired.

She had asked for an appointment with the chancellor, send out all the proper documents the first few days in.

Jaha had a meeting with the citizents once a month but mostly Alpha or GoSci residents went in to complain for petty things. Factory and Farm had stopped trying to get there for years because they were simply never allowed in, though this was supposed to be for everyone.

Talk about justice.

She hadn’t been to Alpha for more than an hour every few days and she couldn’t say she missed it but her mom and dad had started worrying and she had stumbled upon Wells on her way back after taking a shower and grabbing a clean pair of clothes the other day.

He had tried talking to her, insisted on them seeing each other that weekened which she had agreed to just to get rid of him because she had to go back to a two year old girl who had lost her vision in her left eye due to lack of oxygen in her parent’s compartment.

She simply couldn’t care less about what Wells or her mom had to say about her job. Clarke was happy where she was as exhausted as she may have been.

Bellamy had been a great support to her the entire time, though and she couldn’t have been more grateful. He came to check on her that first evening when her and Jackson worked twenty hours without a break, bringing her food and a warm sweater, another one of his own as it seemed.

She had started getting used to the cold in the station but their place was even more freezing and he had been appalled and angry at the conditions they were forced to work in-as if he had anything better.

He had stubbornly insisted she sat down and ate when she saw her staggering on her feet, though and then she watched as he limped around the place and took a look at everything-the leaking water pipe under their sink, the broken beds, the moldy wall and then he had turned around and leaned on the wall, gathering his strength after the long walk.

“This place is a shithole.” he had said, making Jackson smile sadly behind her while he lined up bandages on the metal table. “I’m fixing it.”

“Bellamy, what are you-” he had raised his hand and then left, promising to be back in ten minutes.

Gus was with Aurora who was helping him finish his homework after school but when Bellamy came back he brought the kid over with him and the boy couldn’t have been happier to see Clarke.

She got to see Bellamy in action for the first time that day.

He was a good and hard worker-first he fixed the pipe and Gus helped out-he recognized his dad’s tools and handed him things over while sitting on a chair and going through a book he lended from the day care library, asking his dad about words and letters he didn’t recognize as he tried to decipher them.

Clarke was pretty sure that by the time his fourth birthday rolled around, he might as well be reading on his own.

When it became clear that Gus was too bored helping his dad out and was instead listening intentely to what Clarke and Jackson were telling the patients coming in, she started bringing him in closer and hand her bandages or hold something for her.

He was the most precious little student and he was in awe every time Clarke took someone’s heartbeat or listented to their lungs.

He’d not be grossed out by the bandages or the blood, in fact he looked at people coming with gaping wounds and his jaw would hang open his eyes would widen in awe and he’d gasp yet not in fear but rather in compassion and desire to help the person suffering. 

He’d ask her questions-how she does this or what do we do then but when the case was too serious and the person was screaming or crying, she’d shoot Bellamy a glance and he’d limp over, pick Gus up and take him outside to the hallway or even back home if it was too late.

Gus interest in medicine made her happy and she enthusiastically answered all his questions.

Bellamy didn’t seem to mind that the kid moved from handing him hammers and wrenches to asking if he could hold her stethoscope and put a band aid on the scraped knee of a two year old girl, but she knew he was a little sad that he wasn’t as cool to his son as she was.

She could sense it-that lingering feeling in his eyes that there wasn’t anything he was truly good enough in.

He even told her so one night when he had invited her over for dinner to apparently “Make sure she actually ate”.

“I see the way he looks at you with so much interest and adoration. He’s in awe at what you do. You are his hero, he told me so himself.” he shares with her as he drinks from the herbal tea she made for him again, trying to quiet down his cough that had started to get better a week ago but was worsening again in the past few days.

“That’s not true, Bellamy. This is just something new for him so as every kid, he’s curious about it.” but he shakes his head at that and simply gives her a small smile like he knew better than to believe her words. 

“I don’t mind it. I’m happy for it. I don’t want him to strive to be a simple worker or janitor like me. He’ll have a better life.” at that he clenches his hand in a fist and she knows he feels that same anger in him as she had been experiencing in the past week. “He has to have a better life.”

“He will.” she untangles his fingers and squeezes his hand “And hey, if he goes into medicine then at least I’ll have someone else kicking your butt in my team.”

He smiles but shrugs it off and she worries when another bout of coughs shakes him. She had noticed how hard it was for him to move around whenever he came by and one time his leg got numb and he collapsed to the floor so hard that her and Jackson had to run in lift him up, carrying him to one of the cots where they put him down.

It took a few minutes before he got his senses back but he still hurt and Jackson was scolding him even harder than her.

“You can’t walk around with the injuries you have without any support. Why aren’t you using the crutch? Or at least get a cane?”

“I got the brace.”

“That’s not enough!” Jackson scolds as he turns to her “How do you deal with his stubborn ass?”

“Don’t ask me, it’s a struggle.” they both wanted to massage him, help out, take a look at his back and leg but Bellamy had gotten angry and refused to, managing to scrape up to his feet before limping off the center. Clarke knew it wasn’t her he was angry with but she couldn’t help but wonder if he sometimes regretted saving her life that day, if he looked at her and saw all the reasons for his pain and every day suffering.

The thoughts made her feel horrible for days after and it didn’t help that Bellamy hadn’t stopped by either though she was somewhat grateful for that as the first wave of the flu had already started in Factory and the center was overflown with patients.

Jackson and Bellamy had managed to find and bring in six more cots so all of them were now full but they had to reside to sending people back home or going there themselves to check on someone in the severe cases when people couldn’t make it there. 

The last thing she wanted was for Bellamy to catch this with the way his lungs were right now, knowing it could send him through another case of pneumonia if it got worse, so part of her was happy he hadn’t stopped by more than the one time he brought food for her and Jackson while she was in the middle of treating a pregnant woman’s shoulder wound when they couldn’t talk much if at all.

He seemed shy and very uncomfortable and she wasn’t much better herself which he sensed because he left unprompted seeing as how much work they had going. 

It hadn’t helped that Aurora had caught them sleeping the last time she stayed over in their place and had thrown Bellamy and her knowing looks while they blushed and untangled from the sheets and numerous blankets.

How does one explain to their friend’s mother that sharing a bed with someone could be purely platonic?

That the warmth Bellamy emmanated kept her through the entire day and stayed with her for much longer than just the night?

That his hand on her waist and his soft short breaths grazing her face and ears were the softest of sounds at night, even when he lightly snored or talked in his sleep in the rare moments that he did get those?

How does she explain to Aurora that her nightmares went away the nights she slept with Bellamy and Gus?

She had heard the two of them talking over while she cleaned her face and brushed her teeth and though she couldn’t make out their words she saw how embarrassed Bellamy had been when she got out and how he avoided her look. Clarke had no idea if Aurora approved of this or not but judging by the way she smiled softly at her and pushed her to the table where breakfast was, she had concluded she isn’t against it or at the very least totally disgusted by the idea of her son being with her.

If there was anything going on between them at all.

Which...there wasn’t.

But she also missed not seeing or hearing from him and Gus and she had plans to check on them after her shift was done when Jackson comes in though the door, carrying a box of supplies. She doesn’t turn around right away, knowing he’d have gone to the border points to pick their new batch of medicine but something in the way he calls her name makes her turn around.

“Clarke-”

“What is it?” she finds him dropping the boxes down and struggling to catch his breath.

“Gus and Bellamy are outside.”

“Okay, why haven’t they come in?”

“They’re waiting in line.” the moment he says it her throat tightens “The kid’s sick. I think he caught the flu.” she drops the bandages she was sorting and strides through the door, rushing outside in the hallway that was only half full right now.

In the past few days they’ve had more and more Factory and Farm kids come in sick with the flu as well as their parents and some of the elderly but it was clear this one was hitting the yougnest ones harder than anyone else and she had already lost a little girl to it just the other day.

She tries to calm down her panic when she finds Bellamy leaning on the wall with the kid strapped to his arms, a blanket thrown over him, hiding him away from her view and though the people waiting before them throw her curious and even somewhat annoyed glances, she runs to him.

“Bellamy!” his head snaps when he hears her voice and she sees relief wash over his face though just for a moment before the little bunldle in his arms coughs and she reaches to touch it. “What is it? What happened?”

“He started feeling worse the other night and I picked him up from day care with a stiffy nose and a sore throat but I tried...I tried to control it, gave him some pills I had and made tea...” she shakes her head, he should’ve let her know but he was stubbornly trying to take care of everything himself, as always.

She untangles the blanket and takes a look at Gus who’s barely awake, coughing in his dad’s embrace, face flushed with fever. She doesn’t even need to touch his forehead to know it’s bad but her hand ends up there anyway and she has to grit her teeth not to gasp when she finds it burning.

“I thought he was getting better when last night his fever spiked and he started coughing really bad I just...I didn’t know...I’m so sorry, I know there are worse cases but I just-”

“You did the right thing.” she promises squeezing his bicep briefly “Come on, let’s bring him in so I can take a look at him and we’ll figure it out from there, okay?”

He nods but he’s so scared and confused that his arms are trembling. Still, he’s trying his best to be the strong parent Gus needs and he doesn’t even wince when he limps to the door.

Jackson promises Clarke he’ll take care of the patients waiting outside while she takes a look at Gus.

“It’s time you went home anyway, it’s been over fifteen hours.” he assures her and though she felt guilty for leaving him to deal with it on his own, she was also grateful at whatever god out there was that there weren’t too many patients waiting in line as it was later in the evening.

Clarke brings them to the cot further away from the door and pulls the curtain up so they can have some privacy.

“Strap him out and start undressing him, I need to listen to his lungs and heart.” she instructs, turning back to her doctor self and commanding herself to get her shit together as hard as it was.

Right now Gus wasn’t just her best friend’s child-he was a patient and she had to put him first. 

The kid whines when Bellamy pulls him away and he seems to be somewhat coherent for which Clarke’s grateful but he’s also scared.

“Dada!” he whimpers quietly when Bellamy puts him sitting on the cot and he tilts sideways right away, too weak to stand on his own “Dada-”

“Shh, dad’s here, I’m here.” Bellamy promises, removing the straps away from his chest and bringing Gus to his lap to steady him while Clarke prepared “We’re here now. Doctor Clarke will take good care of you.”

“Doctow Clarke?” Gus asks voice confused and sleepy.

“Hey, baby boy.” she pushes the metal table with the supplies closer and leans over him. He’s already half leaning in Bellamy’s arms, cuddled like a baby, too tired to sit on his own “What’s the matter, huh? What hurts?”

“Gus got sick.” he mumbles back. Clarke takes a moment to take his hand in hers and squeeze it tight. “Kids at school all cough...and Jordan sneezed on Gus.” Clarke looks up at Bellamy who is still a total shaking mess with pain and worry of his own but his eyes never leave Gus and he holds onto him like Gus did when he was hurt and refused to let him go. 

“That’s okay, it happens, alright? But you’re strong and you’ll get better soon as long as you listen to me, okay? You’ll listen to what I have to say, right?” Gus nods solemnly eyes barely opened.

“Yeaw.”

“Good boy.” she gestures at Bellamy to raise him up a bit “Now I need to listen to your lungs and check your throat and fever, okay?” Gus nods and as he does another cough interrupts him and as much as Bellamy doesn’t want to let go of him, he has to put him on the cot and pull his shirt off for Clarke.

“Dada, I’m cold.”

“I know, baby boy, just a moment, okay? Just a minute so doctor Clarke can take a look at you.” Bellamy assures and Gus nods yet still slumps a little to his side and Bellamy wraps his arm around his back, keeping him steady as Clarke presses the stethoscope on his chest.

“Breathe in for me, will you, big boy?” Gus does, following through Clarke’s instructions as the perfect patient but he coughs a lot and it’s good Clarke has a mask on her face like she always did when she examined someone but Bellamy’s standing there completely unprotected and though she knows he’s technically spent the last two days with a sick kid and still didn't catch it is a good sign that he maybe won’t, she still worries.

The cough’s pretty deep but not too awful yet it still worries her.

“Open up, big boy.” she instructs him when she takes a look at his throat.

“Aaaaaa!” Gus says voice hoarse and heavy with pain but still it makes her smile somewhat at how cute he was even when he was so sick. 

“Where does it hurt the most?” she asks when he sneezes and he looks at his dad in the most adorable of ways asking for a napkin which Bellamy provides from his pocket and helps him blow his tiny nose up.

“Hewe” he pats at his chest when another cough shakes through him, making Bellamy wince and squeeze his hand. Clarke humms in agreement and throws Bellamy a look suggesting he had to calm down though he was definitely nowhere near it.

Gus throat is red and his neck a little swollen. He sneezes here and there but his nose is definitely not as bad as his lungs. Thankfully his heartbeat’s steady and strong which is good but another thing besides the coughs that worry her is the fever that’s pretty high when she takes it.

“It hasn’t broken yet, he’s at the peak of it.” she tells Bellamy who’s seen the thermometer show 103 and the panic in his eyes grew significantly at that. With shaky hands he put Gus’ clothes back up.

“Dada, can you hold me now again? Gus...can’t...sit.”

“You can lay down for a moment, Gus, I need to give you some medicine, alright?” Clarke tells him gently as she pushes him down the pillow. His hands are tightly gripping his dad’s arm, though.

“No...dada...dada too.”

“I’m here, Gus. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Dada...hold me.”

“Okay, I will, I’ll hold you.” Bellamy promises  carefully maneuvering himself next to Gus and wrapping his arm around his torso, pushing him close to his side but remaining somewhat sitting up and leaning on the old creaky metal bed board of the cot. She sees he tenses when he lays down and knows his back is giving him a hard time right now but he wasn’t even recognizing it, his focus entirely on Gus.

“How bad is it?” he asks her when she sees her put on a new pair of blue plastic gloves and push the metal table closer to her, taking a syringe and a small glass bottle filled with orange liquid up. 

“The worst is his cough and the fever but once it breaks I think he’ll be fine.” he exhales a little at that but the worry in his eyes remain “It’s not too serious for him to stay here now but I will give him two shots and another one tomorrow if his fever gets down.”

“And if it doesn’t.” he voices his worst fear and she draws the syringe off the bottle, testing it by pushing some in the air to check if it’s working fine. 

“Then we’ll figure it out.” she promises coming closer to them and looking down at the sick boy in his arms “I won’t let anything happen to him, I promise.”

“Thank you.” he lets out tiredly but also somewhat relieved and reaches out to squeeze her hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around much I just...”

“We don’t have to talk about it now.” she promises “Let me just help him now, the rest can wait, right?” he nods at that but looks away somewhat still embarrassed and ashamed. 

“I can take him home after?” she carefully sits down next to Gus and takes a brief moment to just look at him and take his hand, rub her finger over his tiny hand and watch as he coughed and wheezled in his dad’s embrace, half-asleep, half-there.

“You can but I want to suggest something and before you shut me out right away just think about it, okay?” he tilts his head in confusion, furrows his eyebrows but gives her a small nod. “I’d like you to come over to Alpha with me for the night.” he opens his mouth to protest but she raises her hand “Hear me out-it’s not charity, it’s not pity. It’s warmer there and my shift’s already over anyway. I’d hate to go back home and for you to Factory, not knowing how he is. This way I can keep an eye on him through the night and if he worsens medbay is way closer there than you coming all the way to the medcenter from your place.” Bellamy’s jaw clenches and he looks away contemplating over her words.

“You don’t have to worry about us. I know it’s not...he’s not your responsiblity, Clarke.” he huffs quietly and she is so surprised by his words that for a second she doesn’t know how to react.

Her hand moves from Gus to his in a desperate attempt to bring his attention back to her.

“Bellamy, we’ve been over this-you and him-you’re my friends.”

“Yes...your friends. Friends do their jobs and then go home. I don’t want you to feel responsible for him...to feel like you have to do this.” he explains but he’s not fighting her, he’s simply trying to make his point.

“I don’t.”

“Clarke-”

“I don’t, Bellamy. I want to do this. I love him and I know that...it hasn’t been that long since we met but you guys have been more of a family to me than my own in the past months.” he sighs, bows his head down and utters something like “So stubborn” which makes her smile for the briefest of moments.

“You know if we keep doing this...if you want to see him, be in his life then there’s no coming back from it.” he says quietly next and moves his head up to meet her eyes “You’re either all in or you’re not.” he keeps on with the same serious voice “I can’t have you here one moment and be gone the next. He’s already had too much pain in his life, lost too many people, I-”

She squeezes his hand agian and scoots closer.

“Bellamy, I made him a promise all those weeks ago that I’ll be there for him if something happens to you, that I’ll take care of him. Do you think I would’ve done that and not mean it?” his face falls in brief shame and then surprise mixing with confusion but also...at the end, relief.

His shoulders sag and he looks back at her with big wide eyes, same as Gus when he was begging for just one more cookie or five more minutes in the morning.

“I’m all in.”

“You’re sure?” he questions again like he can’t believe someone else actually cares about him and his son like that. “Because if you need time to think it over or-”

“I don’t need time. I love this boy.” and I love you she thinks and the thought alone stuns her and almost knocks her off her feet. She doesn’t know when it happened that he sneaked into her heart and bloomed inside it, making it ten sizes bigger, warming her to her core and lifting her up. 

She does love him.

She’s not sure in what way-if there’s just the friendship love or if there’s more...if there’s all the feelings that she’s so afraid of acknowledging yet, all the urges that she has like wanting to kiss his lips or his forehead or be held by him all the damn time but...there is love.

There’s love in her heart for Bellamy.

If only she wasn’t so chickenshit as to tell him so.

Bellamy’s eyes fill with tears that he lets spill and drop over Gus’ forehead. The kid stirs in his arms and looks up with dizzy eyes. 

“Dada?” he asks, figuring out that something’s not okay but being too weak to ask.

”It’s okay, little man, dad’s here.” he promises leaning over and kissing his burning forehead which is enough for Gus to cuddle back in his embrace and close his eyes. He takes a moment to compose himself, clearly still affected by her words before he looks at her again. “Thank you.” he says voice breaking “For everything.” she shakes her head, she hasn’t even done anything yet but she feels her own tears prick at her eyes.

“We’ll come to Alpha.” he adds after another moment and her face beams.

“I need to warn you my place is a mess, though.” she adds lightening the mood “So none of your creepy I-have-to-put-everything-in-order shenanigans, okay, Blake?”

“Okay.” he squeezes her hand back and looks down on Gus, knowing he needs to wake him up for the shots that Clarke goes back to preparing. 

It’s the softest feeling watching Bellamy be a father to Gus.

The gentleness in his every moment, the warmth of his eyes. He’s so careful with him, so full of love.

Clarke watches as he leans down and pushes the curls away from his forehead before picking his chin up and cupping his cheek.

He carefully calls him by his name and then lifts his sick and tired body up in his arms while he explains what Clarke has to do. Gus doesn’t like the shots, who did, but Clarke knew this would be as hard on the kid as on Bellamy-he was already watching his son in pain and this was going to be a lot.

Gus nods in understanding, lets out a little “Awkay, dada. Gus can do that.” and then Bellamy gently rolls his sleeve up, revealing his tiny arm to Clarke.

“Hey, sweet face” she greets him again while cleaning up the inside of his hand with the cotton drowsed in antiseptic “This’ll hurt just a bit, okay?” he nods and stretches out his other hand for his dad to hold.

“You may wanna tell dada to look away or he’ll cwy worse than Gus.” he mumbles and Clarke chuckles.

“Will do.” she picks the small monkey pin from her pocket and looks back at Gus “You want it this time?” Gus nods and she clasps it over his pants, the small monkey hands wrapping tight around the thin paper material.

“Okay, here we go.” Gus nods, closing his eyes and squeezing them shut as she gives him the first injection. He flinches some but Bellamy holds him steady as hard as this is for him.

The second one goes easy because Clarke is fast to put it while Gus is still reeling from the first, knowing this way it’ll hurt less but byt the end both of them are crying, even if quietly and Bellamy’s picking Gus up in his arms while Clarke put the bandaid on his arm.

“Brave boy.” she praises him running her hand through his hair. Gus’ cries are quiet, more like desperate little sobs and the more Bellamy rocks him up and down, the more and the faster he quiets down.

“They’ll make him sleepy.” she tells him as she takes her white coat off, then goes to the cabinet as if remembering something and bringing out an orange bottle of pills, spilling two in her hands and handing them over.

“Is this for later?”

“This is for you.” he gives her a confused look but she closes his hand over the pills she slipped.

“What for? I’m not sick.”

“And I don’t want you to be. Not with the cough you already have anyway.” he opens his mouth to argue but she squeezes his hand “It’s just some vitamins to help boost your immune system, okay?” he sighs but agrees on taking them without arguing anymore with her.

Gus is still in his arms, trembling lightly but no longer sobbing and she runs a hand down his back.

“We should go.” she suggests “Before it’s got too late.” he agrees and starts putting on the straps back up.

She reaches out to help him adjust them on his torso and deep down she wants to fight with him and ask him to carry Gus herself, knowing his back probably hurt like hell but she knows better than to suggest it-there was no way Bellamy was letting his son go right now.

Gus gets wrapped up in it, carefully put horizontally like a baby and his tiny feet hang over the strap while Bellamy adjusts the blanket over him. He’s quieter now, getting sleepy but he was warm and she could feel the heat emmante from his body through the clothes. Gently she swipes the hair off his face and leans down to kiss him, removing her mask before cupping his cheek.

He looks at her with drooping eyes and stretches out his tiny hand for Clarke to grab.

“It’ll be okay, big boy.” she whispers kissing his fingers “You’ll be okay.” he moans a little and then his head falls to Bellamy’s chest, breathing in his dad’s smell that somehow sooths him and helps him doze off.

”Can we make a quick stop before we leave.” he asks while she’s taking off her white coat and grabbing on her blue leather jacket that was in far better shape than his was. 

“Sure, where to?”

“I want to see...Gina for a moment if that’s okay?” her head shots up to him and she sees the tears gathered in his eyes. The tears of an exhausted, absolutely terrified father who was holding his sick kid in his arms and was battling the world alone.

“Of course. I can wait by the border so you can have your time.”

“No. I want you to come as well.” he tilts his head to the side and bites his lips nervously, a habit she had noticed in both him and Gus. “If that’s okay with you.” Clarke takes the few steps separating them and puts her hand on his arm, squeezing it briefly.

“I’d be honored to meet her, Bellamy.” she promises and he offers a small smile before clearing his throat and suggesting that they head off.

The moment he stands up from the cot, though, of course he stumbles on his feet and she grabs him by the elbow.

“Where’s your crutch?” he shakes his head at that and she knows better than to fight him on it right now.

He left himself behind because Gus was a priority right now. The problem was, Clarke thought, that even if he wasn’t sick, Bellamy would still not be thinking of his own health at all.

She could scold him mildly, maybe even curse a little under her nose and tell him he’s being stupid.

She could tell him he’s an idiot and that she’s taking a look at his leg when they get to her place but Clarke knows better by now-her words wouldn’t change a thing on a regular Bellamy rebel king Blake day, let alone on this one.

So instead she just offers the only thing she can-herself deciding that indeed that is all he actually needs and so she keeps her hand there on his elbow and doesn’t fight him on taking Gus’ off his arms but supports him as he takes his slow steps forward.

That he was clearly in pain would be an understatement.

Clarke knew work has been hard on him-he spent the morning wiping floors and hallways and the afternoons sorting out spare parts or fixing engines, working sitting but he’d shared that sometimes the boys or his boss would ask him for help with a particular machine and he’d have to stay up again for a long time or lay down and slide under tons of metal so he could help fix this metal can.

He was apparently a really good mechanic, one of the best in his level and unit and he was very high valued.

Bellamy himself didn’t want to refuse those orders, not because they gave him more rations, which they did not, but because he didn’t want everyone else to see him as incapable and thoroughly fucked up.

She knew from Aurora that he’s been feeling pretty down because of the whole janitor thing-if nothing else, the Blakes had their pride and he was ashamed of himself, even...hated himself as Clarke could sometimes sense herself.

He was frustrated that he was no longer capable to be fully functioning and though she knew he could take the pitying looks of his fellow coworkers what hurt him the most was when he had to pick Gus up from day care and watch as the other kids stared at him and his crutch with big confused and questioning eyes.

It’s not like Factory children weren’t used to sickness and disesases in their parents, but this was all the more visible and left Bellamy’s heart clenching for his son.

Meanwhile Gus was unashamed of him.

On the contrary, he was quite happy and proud with his father. Clarke’s heard him tell Jordan how good his dada is and how hard he works even if it hurts him, even if sometimes at night he falls asleep before finishing the story which Gus had then said didn’t mind because he knew the ending anyway. 

The most embarrasing moment for Bellamy, Clarke knew, was when he had to come over and clean the med center.

He was not just residing to the Factory station floors, he had to wipe the hallways, mess hall, some of the storages and apparently...the medcenter too.

There was a schedule, he had said the morning he arrived at their door all blushing and avoiding her look, a rag in his hand and a bucket nearby. He hadn’t talked much it was awkward for them so he just asked her and Jackson to leave so he can clean up for them.

When he had left she tried to call him out, reach for him but he had hurried down the hallway and not looked back-he was that ashamed of himself.

That same night Clarke had tried calling their home but he never picked up and so she decided to give him his space before he and Gus reached out to her themselves one late afternoon after her shift and before the whole argument about his passing out on the floor had happened.

Clarke gets lost in her thoughts as Bellamy takes her down the hallways.

The so called Crying wall wasn’t that far from the med center, she knew because some of the patients have mentioned it themselves, but she had never had the time to go there. Until now.

Bellamy stops a couple of times on their way and she waits patiently for him.

“I’m sorry.” he mumbles when they reach another turn and he leans heavily on the wall, catching his breath.

“That’s okay.” she assures, rubbing her thumb over his hand “We’re not in a rush.”

“With my speed we won’t make it to Alpha before curfew.” he sighed sadly and she just offered a light shake of her head. He pushed forward just a bit and soon Clarke found herself in a longer hallway at the end of which she could see a few figures.

“Here we are.” Bellamy mumbled out of breath as he kept limping forward. 

The more they walked the more Clarke paid attention-when they reached the middle of the hallway she started seeing names written on the walls all around them and as they kept going there were more and more.

So many people, so many lost lives.

Many of them children’s as she could tell by the stuffed toys placed on the ground, you could find some colorful blue or red bands tied in the corners or in small strings, a flower was a rarity, which made sense-Factory people couldn’t afford to buy one. Even in Alpha having flowers was a luxery that her father however, truly enjoyed giving her mother.

Her heart clenched and her eyes watered.

There were some people they passed by, talking or praying quietly but Bellamy took her further down until they reached the end of.

On the wall before them with big letters on top someone had carved “Victims of the 2130′s Factory station fire. May we meet again.”

There was a woman kneeling in the right corner, whispering to a name there and Bellamy stopped, catching his breath and giving her a moment. Less than a minute or so later she stood up, wiped off the dirt from her ragged blue dress and turned around.

Upon seeing Bellamy she recognized him and smiled right away-she must’ve been in her mid-fiftees by Clarke’s estimate.

“Bellamy-” she whispered and smiled through her tears which she was unashamed of, refusing to wipe them off. “I haven’t seen you around here in a while.”

“Hey. Myra.” he said softly “Saying hi to old man Harold?” she nodded and came closer, reaching out and shaking Bellamy’s hand.

“I am. Dreamt about him last night. Told me I had to fix the shelf above the sink before it fell over me but I got no one to do it.”

“Taking care of you still, huh?” Bellamy asked with the same soft and drowsed with tears and pain voice.

The woman smiled and shrugged a little-she was small, Clarke noticed, so thin and hunched from working hard. There was a headscarf on her head, the way Factory women often wore them, tied behind a braid of hers, clearing her face away and showing her wrinkes and the paleness of her face. 

“He always does.”

“I’ll come fix the shelf for you, Myra.” Bellamy promises “May be a few days but I’ll pass by.” she nods gratefully and squeezes his hand harder, covering it with her other one and letting the rest of her tears spill

“You’re a good man, Bellamy.” she says shakily “Thank you.” her eyes fall to the bundle in his arms “How’s Gus?”

“Sick.” the worry returns in Bellamy’s voice and his voice gets hoarser “Caught the flu going around. We came to see his mom.” Myra nods and pats his hand, worry evident on her face as well. She reaches out and touches Gus’ small feet hanging off Bellamy’s arms.

“I hope he gets better soon.” then her eyes slide over him and his also painfully hunched figure “And you too. Aurora told me you got it bad in the blast.”

“It’s not that awful.” he lies convincingly and Myra must know his stubborness because she just shakes her head and he looks away in shame, as he always did when someone noticed his condition these days. “I’m all good.”

“Those people...I don’t know what they were thinking.” she comments and it takes Clarke a moment to figure out she meant the Arrowheads “They hurt us more than anyone else.”

“Mom told me they want to write their names here.” Bellamy comments and Myra nods.

“I don’t think they should but that’s just me.” she shrugs slowly “People have different opinions on it apparently. I just know that my Harold wouldn’t like it that’s all.”

“I don’t think Gina would either.” Bellamy agrees and Clarke pays careful attention to the conversation and noticed the way the woman slides over some curious looks at her but is polite enough not to ask anything. 

“She was the sweetest girl.” Myra says patting his hand briefly “I’ll leave you and your friend to it, dear.” she said offering Clarke a small smile. 

“Have a good evening, Myra.” he answers softly “And I’m coming for thoses shelves, okay?”

“Oh, you better or you’ll dream of my Harold kicking your butt if you don’t.” she jokes and Bellamy lets a small chuckle off as she leaves.

For a moment it’s just him and Clarke-Gus is soundly sleeping in his arms, face still flushed, his body still burning from what Clarke could tell by touching his hand but there was a quiet peeacefullness to it all even though she’d usually be creeped out by such a setting.

Strangely, she wasn’t. 

“Myra’s husband worked with Gina. He was like a father to her as she never had one and he mentored her while she was still learning.” he offers Clarke as he takes a few more steps further and glances to the column of names on the right, stretching his hand out and finding the name, tracing his finger tips over it, his voice breaking with every word “We’ve always been close. They’d come by for dinner every once in a while and Myra works with mom at the Factory so we kind of all knew each other. When Gus was born she showered us with gifts because they never had a kid of their own-clothes, blankets, little rattles.” he swallows hard and his eyes well with tears.

“She seems to be a very kind woman.”

“She is. Both her and Harold were amazing.” he explains but keeps his eyes trained forward. His grip on Gus tightens and she notices him looking down at the kid and up again as he traced his wife’s name as if he was desperate to make the connection between the two-be the mediator. “On the day of the accident they were both on shift. We heard later on from the guards that they found him covering Gina’s body, probably trying to protect her or drag her out but-” his voice breaks “the fire was-” he chokes.

“You don’t have to tell me this, Bellamy.” Clarke steps closer from behind, squeezing his elbow yet again “This isn’t why we came here.”

“I know...I know that.” he shakes his head and brushes his tears away with his sleeve “Sorry, I just-”

“No, don’t do this, don’t be ashamed of your grief.” she assures, coming before him and pushing his hand away from his face and reaching to cup his cheek.

A fresh bout of tears fell off his eyes but she didn’t brush them away-pain couldn’t be swiped under a rug, she thought, you had to feel it, let it soak through and just live it as bad as it was and god did her heart break for him but if she could take just a few of his tears, if she could soak up just this tiny portion of his grief then she would.

She’d take it.

So she let his tears spill of her fingers and roll down and she didn’t move. 

She was desperate to show him that she cared.

For a moment he closes his eyes and just lets himself break. He leans over on his hand that’s still over her name and just lets it go. And Clarke waits with him, her hands grip his and she rubs her thumb over his one and lets her other reach the back of his hair where she threads his curls gently, trying to offer some calmness.

After a while he gets a little better and then lifts his head up giving her a light nod, suggesting that he’s doing much better now even if he didn’t look like it. She steps away but her hand remains on his elbow.

“Would you like me to give you a moment?” he nods and she swiftly pulls away, ducking under his arm and stepping back.

“Wait-” he whispers hoarsly “Don’t uh...don’t go.” she stops in her track and raises her eyebrows.

“Are you sure?” he nods slowly.

“Please don’t go.” it was the way he said it with his voice completely fucked up chocking on his tears again that doesn’t make her doubt it so she just stands behind him and squeezes his shoulder in reassurance. 

He sighs, carefully kneels down and she sees how he winces when his bad knee ducks but he still does it, cradling Gus closer to his chest but keeping his hand on Gina’s name.

It’s clear the action alone leaves him quite breathless and he even coughs some but then gathers himself and clears his throat.

“Hey, beautiful.” he whispers carefully. “I’m so sorry I haven’t been here lately. Things have been...hard.” Clarke feels her own tears spill as she squeezes his shoulder harder in support “Which isn’t an excuse but...I’ve just been overwhelmed.” he swallows hard “I hope you can forgive me.”

He takes a moment to gather his strenght and Clarke watches as his fingers trace over her name while the tears spill down his face and fall on Gus’ sleeping figure. The kid shuffles in his dad’s embrace and moans quietly before coughing in his sleep and arching his body as if in pain before rolling to the right and completely burying himself in his dad’s embrace.

“Gus is sick.” he mumbles as if in shame, like it was all his fault that this was happening.

Like he himself was responsible for all illnesses on the Ark and his child catching it. Like he failed her and his son yet again. 

Clarke wondered which one brought him more pain: the injury in his back or trying to carry the entire world on his shoulders.

“Again.” he keeps on and tries to steady his voice “It’s that flu going around but he got worse again and I-” Clarke tightens her grip on his shoulder again and he turns slightly to her before taking her warm palm and squeezing it in his cold one “I can’t do anything but someone else can.” he gives her a look asking for her opinion, if she wants him to do that, if she’s ready and she gives him a small nod and a light smile before he presses her fingers over Gina’s name.

“This is Clarke.” he whispers looking between her and the wall “I think I mentioned her the last time I came to see you. She’s...our friend...actually more than that, she’s family.”

“Bellamy-” he shakes his head not willing to take her argument on the subject and clearly set on giving his wife the facts as they were.

“She saved my life and she’s trying very hard with Gus now. I can promise you she loves him and she’s in fact the only good and kind doctor that I know.”

“That’s not true.”

“As you can see she’s also quite stubborn.” Bellamy keeps on with a light smile.

“As if you aren’t!” Clarke groans a little shuffling closer to him, their tighs pressed to one another. 

And then Clarke traces the lettering herself before speaking up as well.

“Hey, Gina.” she whispers “It’s very nice to meet you.” Bellamy’s smile grows upon her words and she inches closer to the wall “I’m sorry it’s under those circumstances.” her head falls for a moment, she’s unable to stop her own tears from spilling down her face but she doesn’t really care about it at all. “I promise I’ll do my best with Gus. I know you and Bellamy may be scared but I think...I think he’ll make it through. He’s a strong and stubborn kid-” she tilts her head to Bellamy “like his dad.”

Bellamy groans a little but he’s smiling before squeezing her hand again and speaking up himself.

“Clarke’s doing her best but we wouldn’t mind if you can help out as well.” his voice breaks “Any way you can. If you can...if you can see us from somewhere, I know you can, please help him.” he keeps on desperately.

“I don’t care about myself, you know I never did but please help her save our boy.” his hand falls from the wall and Clarke’s drops to her lap as she watches him lean forward and rest his forehead against hers.

“I love you so much.” he whispers softly “And I miss you every day.” Clarke looks away and moves back a little, feeling like she’s truly intruding on a moment she’s not supposed to be a part of. Then he adds something in a langauge she doesn’t recognize and cries harder again, pressing the bundle that is Gus closer to the wall and taking his small hand to cover her name too.

Clarke waits politely for him to be done and when he brushes his eyes with the back of his arm and reaches out to steady himself on the wall before trying to stand up, she rushes to help him out.

Somehow he’s even more unstable on his feet now than he was before and she can see how bad his knee buckles when he tries to walk.

“Putting weight on that knee wasn’t a good idea.” she scolds a little as she throws his arm over her weak shoulders while he cradles Gus with the other and off they go.

Clarke wishes there was a better and faster way to get to Alpha than walking, considering his and Gus’ condition but there unfortunately isn’t one, so they have to stop every few minutes for him to rest his hand on the wall and breathe in and out. How he made it through the day working on his feet, she had absolutely no idea but she sees the same determination in his eyes as he pushes forward that she always had, because he knew, he just always knew that this was never about him.

Chapter 17

Summary:

A/N: Thank you all for the nice comments on the last chapter. Technically this and the previous one were one thing but it was too long to post all together so I decided to split it. I hope you enjoy it!

Comments and kudos are much appreciated!

You can also find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

The Factory checkpoint is an easy one to pass though more crowded but the Alpha one is a pain in the ass for them.

They check hers and Bellamy’s documents more than once, scan his at least three times and then search him.

Clarke tries to fight them on it but Bellamy gives her a light shake of his head-they didn’t need this right now-another Morgan situation, another shock lashing. Though things were getting better around the Ark and borders were finally opened, the guard’s presence has been doubled on all hallways of every station and they still stopped and charged people with petty crimes, taking away ration points or shoving them in prison block for a week or two just to prove that they had the power and no one could ever undermine them.

Bellamy couldn’t afford being away from his child. Not in the condition he was in, not with Gus being so sick, so of course he simply nods in the most calm of manners and goes to the wall, spreads his arms and legs out and lets them patt him over. 

“We need to check the child too, sir.”

“What for? He’s sick!” Clarke opposes but Bellamy just shoots her another look.

“My son’s feverish, I’d rather not disturb him right now.” Bellamy tries and the guard who actually wasn’t too bad but seemed to be set on fullfilling his duties shakes his head sternly.

“I’m sorry, sir. Those are the rules.” he gestures towards the table “You can place him there, just unstrap him and show me what’s under the blankets.”

Bellamy sighs but obliges, it’s not like he could fight them on it. Meanwhile Clarke’s fuming next to him, hands clenched in fists, her teeth digging painfully in her lips. She wanted to scream.

If Bellamy wasn’t wearing his factory clothes, if he was well fed, well dressed, carrying an Alpha pass, no one would even blink twice.

Gus cries when they put him down and Bellamy unwraps him from the warm bundle he’s sleeping in. He is still half-asleep half there and the guard must see the child is not fine because he checks the blankets and Gus as fast as he can before nodding to Bellamy to pick him back up.

“Shhh, shh dad’s here, baby boy. Dad’s here.” he whispers as he takes him back in his arms and Clarke comes closer leaning over to check on him. “He’s still so warm.”

“I know. The fever will spike before it breaks, you know that.” she tries to reason with him but he seems so scared and confused that she can’t help but want to hug him and wrap him in a tight bundle herself. Hold him and Gus close and protect them from the world.

“Come on, let’s just get home.” once the guards finally let them pass she urges Bellamy to pick up the pace as much as she knows it hurts him.

That...but also maybe a small part of her wants to hide him away in her apartment before they’ve met someone she knows. The last thing she wanted was to have another argument with her mom who was so against her working in Factory that she hasn’t invited her to the monthly dinner with the Jaha’s and only send her father to talk with her on the intercom as a way to punish her.

Bellamy senses something’s not exactly right but just like with the guards he doesn’t argue with her.

It hurts him to walk faster but he does it because he sees she needs him to and when they finally reach her door and she opens up, he staggers so hard he almost falls and she grabs his arm desperately pulling him up standing.

“Bellamy!”

“I’m sorry...I’m...I’m sorry.” he whipsers as he tries to steady himself not as successfuly as he’d like to.

There’s worry in her eyes, worry for him and he hates it because he was fine-it was Gus who was so sick not him. He didn’t deserve the attention.

“Please don’t apologize, you’ve done nothing wrong.” she promises as she swipes the card on the machine next to the door and with one beep they find themeselves inside.

His eyes are closed when she helps him in because the pain is too blinding, too strong and all he’s thinking about is the kid in his arms and how he’s afraid that if he passes out he’ll hurt him but then there’s a moment when he remembers to breathe and as he does he also looks around.

He finds himself in a small hallway of sorts with two doors before them-one straight ahead and the other on the right.

“Main room” Clarke points out “Bathroom.” she tilts her head for the one on the right.

It was already much bigger than his and they haven’t even made it truly inside. Before he knows what’s happening, she’s kneeling over and reaching to untie his boots.

“Clarke I-”

“Before you fight me on it, tell me how exactly do you plan to kneel down with those poor legs and a kid in your arms and take your shoes off?” he didn’t have an answer for this which makes him roll his eyes and groan a little “That’s what I thought. Now come on, give me your leg, lean on the wall.”

“So bossy.” he mumbles under his nose.

“What was that?”

“Nothing, nothing.”

“That’s what I thought.” 

“You take too much pleasure in torturing me, princess.”

“I do and I am not ashamed of it because you’re a -” she lowers her voice “stupid hot-headed stubborn asshole.” she takes his right boot away and suddenly he finds himself so damn embarrassed.

His grey socks have a hole in them and his thumb is sticking proudly out. On top of that, there’s some blood on the sides from the blisteres and wounds he had because the boots were too small for him and hurt his feet.

Clarke does notice them and he senses she’s angry but she’s either going to do something about it later which is an option he really does NOT like or she’ll let it slide and forget about it because they had bigger problems at the moment.

Still, she says nothing and instead helps him walk down the small hallway towards the room ahead.

When she opens up the metal door the first thing that happens is the warmth and light suddenly washing over him.

The lamps turn on with them coming in, a photo cell probably attatched near the door to register their movement and it’s so warm that he can’t help but gasp in pleasure as a chill runs down his spine and his toes unclench from his poor feet.

 When his eyes actually adjust to the light and get to see the room in its entirity, he has to force himself not to gasp but his mouth still hangs open.

It’s at least three sizes their place and while it was still a single room place, it could probably fit three Factory families and all their children and they’d still have enough space to live good. 

There was a big king sized bed in the far left corner with a small curtain drawn halfway probably for privacy, not that she needed one as she lived alone but still, it almost made it feel like a separate room inside the big one-with the bed put on a higher metal flooring and pushed to a window looking at the Earth outside-a view to die for that he and Gus had only ever seen from one particular starboard window bay in Factory.

She had four or five pillows and one very thick blanket that he was sure he’d probably sweat under considering how warm the room was, as well as a few stuffed toys- a bear, a colorful patchy giraffe and a deer with ...two heads for some reason. 

As his eyes slided over he found a nice dark green couch that seemed very comfortable with even more pillows in it’s corners, then there was a colorful round rug before it and a small glass table with a similar green stool near it and a...and that made him raise his eyebrow-rocking chair on the other side.

Clarke shrugs a little as she curisouly watching him observe the place.

“It was my grandmother’s.” he smiles a little “And it’s very comfortable.”

“And you call me an old man.” she slaps his shoulder at that but it just makes him chuckle.

Then his face grows more serious as he keeps looking around-there was a somewhat big bookshelf on the other wall, a wardrobe which door was slightly ajar and he could see all the clothes hanging from it, a shoe cupboard and a small desk that was cluttered with paperwork she must’ve brought from the hospital.

Then there was another semi-separated smaller room of sorts and he quickly realized it’s a kitchennette. There were two counters with various appliences on top that he was pretty sure she probably used once a year if that much, but what caught his attention were not the nice metal carved drawers above the sink or the heater in the left corner that was about twice the size of theirs, but the fridge and the stove that proudly stood in the left corner closer to them.

“You have...you have a fridge?” Clarke nodded a little confused and blushing slightly.

“It’s actually half empty and I turn it off most of the time when I don’t need it so I don’t spent too much electricity but...yeah.”

Bellamy’s face hardens a little, she notices the way his eyebrows furrow but it’s just for a moment, whatever lingering feeling there is and he looks away, eyes sad and pinned on the floor to his bloody socks.

She tries to lighten the mood by gripping his elbow again.

“Want to take a look around?” she asks softly, hopefully.

Though she was embarrassed of the clutter and the mess around she did want to show him her world, her home. A part of her was eager, even, to do so.

“Of course, princess.” the tension in the air disappitates and whatever was going through his mind at first, leaves him, at least for the time being.

A part of him decides to enjoy himself-yes, this was a rich girl’s home. She had more clothes than he and Gus had ever seen in their lives, more space, four radiators that produced heat coming from their station and even a damn fridge...He’d only ever seen a fridge in the mess hall kitchen where he worked as a young six year old boy.

It always scared him with it’s coldness and also because once he and his friends sneaked to see a movie in Farm and it was about a guy killing people and shoving them in freezers so he’s always had this...distate of them, this unnatural fear.

But now he swallows all his bad thoughts down-it wasn’t Clarke’s fault that she was born into Alpha anymore than it was his being born in Factory. 

Yes, but she lets herself live like that even though she’s seen the way people struggled to survive in our station, a voice in the back of his head whispered-she’s not giving it up, she’s still enjoying her luxary and her warth, her nice clothes and her many pillows.

Yes, but she’s slept in a cot in Factory more nights than not in the past two weeks, he reasons with his own self. She didn’t have to do this-she worked extra hours and fought for them-if she was just doing this for fame or to stick it to her parents, she could be back home the moment her shift ended, washing away the disgust of dealing with poor people.

“I’m so sorry it’s so messy.” she huffs when they start from the right corner and picks up a green sweater that had been discarded on the floor, tossing it away on the couch. 

“Don’t be. It’s more authentic.” he elbows her in the ribs softly and she groans. “Every spoiled princess is to some extent a total mess. That’s why they have the little birds or mouses helping them dress and clean away in the cartoons Gus watches, you know?”

“You’re horrible.”

“So no birds or mouses?” she slaps his shoulder “Ouch!” her smirk is to die for but he forces himself not to smile “That hurt! Shouldn’t you be gentle with me?”

“Oh so now you’re a patient, huh?” he chuckles as they keep going and reach the kitchen. 

“It’s really nice, Clarke.” he says and somehow his voice comes out weaker and quieter as he stops for a second and leans on the kitchen counter. HIs hunched figure and the way he tries to lift off his leg off the ground to relieve some of the pressure makes her curse that she didn’t suggest they put Gus on her bed first before taking this tour. “But I bet you’ve never used it.”

“Hey! I do use it! I’ve made...pancakes for my dad!”

“You get milk? And eggs?” she nods and his face grows dark again and she assumes that meant he’s never had that in Factory which only makes her feel guilty. Again.

“If your dad survived your cooking skills then I’m sure Gus would love some of those one day.”

“I’ll make sure he tries the special Griffin family recipe.” she promises as she takes his hand again and urges him to keep going. “Let’s get you guys to the bed, okay?” he agrees and just then Gus shuffles in his embrace and opens up his eyes briefly before coughing, a sound that makes both her and Bellamy shiver and then turning on his back and moaning a little.

“Clarke-”

“I’ll take a look at him in a second, let’s just put him down, okay?” she promises seeing the worry in Bellamy’s eyes. When they approach the bed he stops suddenly, staring at it with confusion and shame and once Clarke looks up at him she finds him slightly blushing.

“What’s wrong?” she asks carefully reaching for his hand wrapped around Gus’ little bundle.

“I uh...-” he looks down at himself, he was wearing his blue Factory station jumpsuit that was quite dirty, stained with grease spots and dust “I had a shift today before I came home and I never got the chance to change.” her eyebrows furrow at that and she tilts her head in confusion “I’ll stain your sheets.”

“Do you think I care about that?” she asks softly and he shrugs a little, eyes still pinned on her yellow-green sheets. “Bellamy, that doesn’t matter to me at all! Do you think I’m clean? I’ve worked fifteen hours in the same clothes, had blood and grime and probably even some pus on me right now.”

“I just...” he’s rubbing the back of his head now and she’s shaking her head at his stubborness and stupidity. Then, before he even knows what’s happening, she’s taking his shoulder, turning him around, which was easy because he was so weak on his feet and has still not gained any of his weight back, and pushes him down on the bed.

He blushes even harder when he ends up there but keeps his arms wrapped tightly around Gus.

“Clarke-”

“Stop acting like an idiot, Bellamy.” he sighs and nods while she pulls away at the blankets and helps him unstrap Gus, carefully putting him down in the middle of the bed. The kid was already werding his space jammies and an extra layer of a sweater and his puffy bomber jacket, so they carefully undress him as it was much warmer here than in Factory.

“Dada...” he mumbles waking from the movement and Bellamy climbes on the bed and lays next to him, wrapping an arm around his tiny body and pushing him to his side.

“I’m here Gus.”

“It’s...warm.” he mumbles burying his nose in his chest.

“Yes it is.”

“I like it, dada.” Bellamy swallows down his tears at that.

“Me too, baby boy.”

Clarke climbs on the other side of the bed and kneels over him, carefully putting her hand on his tummy and rubbing it softly.

“Hey, Gus.” he tries to give her a light smile.

“Hey, doctow Clarke.”

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m tiwed.” he mumbles “I wanna sweep.” Bellamy looks up at her with worry and she tries to give him her most comforting and reassuring expression she can.

“I know and you will, I just need to check on you really quick again, okay?”

“Awkay.” he sighs in his tiny childish way but it felt to Bellamy if he too was already wearing the world on his shoulders and he hated it more than anything.

Clarke rubs Gus’ tiny hand and then pulls out her med bag from under the bed, explaining she always had a pair of the things she needed with her at all times.

Gus wiggles in his dad’s arms when she listens to his lungs and he’s unhappy that they undress him and move him around. At some point he’s so cranky that he even starts crying like when he was a baby-little painful wails that mix with his horrible cough. 

“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry, baby boy.” Clarke apologizes when she tries to take his temperature and it comes out just a little less higher than it was an hour ago which makes Bellamy’s hand shake harder.

“Hey, give the medicine some time to work, okay?” Clarke tries him, taking his hand in hers again while he holds Gus’ body up and leans his head over his forehead, whispering quiet reassurances.

Gus quiets for a moment, passes out again but he still coughs and every now and then wails and cries out in his dad’s arms.

“Has he eaten anything at all?” she asks him and Bellamy shakes his head.

“I tried to but he wouldn’t. I think mom managed to give him some formula at noon but that was it.”

“And you?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“Bellamy-” he just shakes his head as he keeps holding him, looking down at him and cradling his feverish body. “Well I’ll order some food for us all anyway and we can try giving him some milk later on when the fever breaks, okay?” 

“You don’t need to go to mess hall?” he asks surprised.

“No, I’ll order it on the intercom and it’ll be here in maybe twenty minutes or so?” he looks away from her again-yet another commodity that he and his family never had.

“Don’t you have to pick your mandatory rations?” he tries to find some logic in this. She doesn’t know how to tell him there is none. In Alpha you could pretty much do anything.

You were free.

“Usually nobody ever takes those. There’s like a menu for the week and you can order whatever you want.” she says feeling guiltier with every word that leaves her mouth. He hms and directs his attention back to Gus, raising himself a little bit on his elbows and cradling him in his arms, resting his poor back on the soft bedboard. 

He talks to him all the time now, little insignificant things.

Clarke believes it’s maybe part of his own way of staying sane, maybe it was a prayer to the universe.

A couple of times while she ordered the food and moved around, making tea and cleaning up some of the clothes spilled on the floor, she catches him talking in the other language she heard him use back at the Wall with Gina. It sounded like a prayer or maybe it was just calming soothing words but it peaked her curiosity.

Though she had known them for months now, she was still curious about some things-she’s heard him exchange a few words in that same language with Aurora before when he was hurt and barely conscious so she thought it was just fever talk but now she knew it wasn’t.

There were also some tattoos on the inside of his right arm, up near his chest that she had seen the first time she examined him back when his shoulder was hurt but she had never asked-one was a smal bird perched on a branch that had blue-ish head and red stomach and the other were numbers, a date and a year actually which she knew by doing her math, that it must be Gus’ birthday.

She yarned to get to know Bellamy better-all his little habits and the things that made him who he was but she would never push. Still, this time when the food comes and she brings the trays with soup and formula bottle over, she carefully climbs on bed and snuggles next to him and Gus reaching for the kid’s hand and taking it in hers.

“What language is that?” she asks when Bellamy stops talking for a moment.

“Tagalog.” he answers hoarsly “My dad was Filipino and he taught my mom how to speak it.” he smiles a little and touches Gus’ cheek "Then she taught me.”

“That’s really nice.” she pulls the blankets up his legs when she figures he is quite cold himself. “Do you want to teach Gus too?”

“Yes, I’ve already started. He knows some words like food, heart, grandma, mom and dad as well as a few others. Gina made me promise I’ll teach him. Said it’s important for him to know his heritage.”

“She was right.” he hmms a little and adjusts the blanket over Gus’ feet “You’ve never talked about your dad before.” he shrugs a little, clearly embarrassed.

“There’s not much to say. I don’t remember him that well-” he swallows hard “He was floated when I was Gus’ age.”

“I’m so sorry, Bellamy. I didn’t mean to-”

“No, it’s okay.” he takes a deep breath before he keeps on “He was part of a small group that organized a strike in Factory, fighting for better conditions.” her head snaps at that and he smiles “Yeah...kind of like the Arrowheads. In fact I think he maybe was part of their group for a minute there but...I’m not sure he agreed with their believes. He just wanted to make things better but they caught them and stopped it before it got bigger.”

“That must’ve been hard for you.”

“It was. I still remember when mom took me there to see him for the last time. We were at the airlock and he took me in his arms, held me in his hands and talked to me, promised me he’ll always be with me.”

“Oh, Bell.” a fresh bout of tears pickles at his eyes and Clarke curses herself-the last thing she wanted was to make him sadder. He already had too much grif inside him. 

“I remember I cried and trashed and tried to leave mom’s embrace when they took him away but she was holding me tight. Then she turned my head around and forced me not to look while they floated him.” he shakes his head and looks down at Gus “I never wanted him to feel this way and yet he did. He went through so much pain in such a short amount of time-the attack, me being so hurt and sick, then the inspection and now...now he’s hurt too.”

“Hey, no, none of this is your fault, Bellamy.”

“Maybe some of it is.” he looks at her under the curls covering his forehead. 

“No! Don’t be like that. You’re the most caring father I know.” he shakes his head in disbelief and she picks up his chin turning his face to her “Don’t do that! Don’t blame yourself for things you can not change. Don’t punish yourself for mistakes that aren’t yours.”

“I should’ve-” he stutters “I could’ve done better.”

“You’ve done your best.” she promises squeezing his hand “The truth is that I know you want to protect him from everything but...Bellamy he will have pain in his life. He will have suffering.”

“I know. Gina used to tell me the same thing but I just...refuse to accept it.” she smiles and cups his cheek “If I could, I’d bear everything for him.”

“And that’s what it means to be a parent, I suppose.” she rubs her thumb under his eye “But staying strong and fighting for him when he is hurt is too, okay?” he nods and smiles softly.

“Thank you.” she nods and turns back to the tray she put on the night stand, talking about them grabbing something to eat, how she ordered nice warm chicken soup that would sooth his cough as well and some pizza which he had never tasted before.

She forces him to eat some even though he’s not hungry being too worried as it was but she takes this as a small victory itself. It’s not until she’s taking away their bowls and half-empty plates that she hears him call her.

“Clarke-” she drops the dishes back in the sink and wipes her hands in a clean towel before rushing back to him.

“What is it?” she finds him with hands on Gus’ forehead as the kid shook in his arms really bad, coughing and moaning, again somewhat awake.

“He’s burning again.” he says, voice cracking. Clarke rushes to him and touches Gus’ forehead, finding it back to being hot to the touch like when Bellamy first brought him in. “Clarke-”

“It’s okay. Give me a second.”

“Dada-” Gus moans again “Dada, it urts.”

“Shh, baby boy, I’m here, I’m right here, I promise.” Bellamy shooshed as he watched Clarke open up the bottom drawer near the bed and taking out a nice pinkish sheet, spilling it open and tearing it up with bare hands.”What are you doing?”

“We need to cool him up.” she says “Cold water and vinegar-it’s an old woman’s tale but it works with children.” she tells him and he nods-he’s used it on Gus beefore too, last year when he had pneumonia and they couldn’t take his fever down. “Strip him off his clothes.” she instructs and Gus starts wailing when he undresses him.

“Dada! Dada, I’m cold...dada”

“I know, I’m so sorry but we have to do this.” he whispered as he took off his PJs and left him in just his underwear “It’ll help you.”

“Dada, dada-” he cried out while Clarke went to the bathroom and drowsed the sheets in cold water before grabbing the vinegar bottle from the kitchen counter and squeezing half of it on the sheet.

When she comes back Bellamy’s holding Gus’ crying naked body in his arms, sitting on the edge of the cot and Clarke carefully helps him wrap him in it.

Gus cries even harder at first and Bellamy’s heart breaks at that-he just can’t bear to look at him in pain. Clarke’s the stronger out of the two of them, maybe because she’s a doctor, maybe because she’s had to do this with at least a dozen if not more children in the past few days, but she’s very collected and much calmer than he is.

She shooshes Gus and swipes the curls off his forehead as she places a wet cloth over it. Bellamy holds him and tries to soothe him but the first few minutes until Gus gets used to the sheet are painful.

Clarke isn’t too stupid to rely simply on a cold sheet so she waits for Gus to calm a little and brings in two pills that Bellamy has no idea where she even has from.

“Just some tylenol and aspirin.” she explains when she carefully places her hand on Guss neck and makes him take them with some water.

Gus calms down but doesn’t fall asleep-he holds onto his dad’s hand like his life depends on him.

Bellamy kept rocking him up and down though his back hurt and Clarke suggests they move to the rocking chair which would be much more comfortable.

“Dada...I’m scawed.” Gus mumbles at some point as he wiggles in his dad’s embrace again, arches his back and coughs.

“Don’t be. Nothing bad will happen to you.” Bellamy promises “I’m here and doctor Clarke’s here and you are not alone, okay?” Gus doesn’t say anything back as Bellamy keeps rocking him “Shh, try to sleep now, baby boy, come on.” Bellamy begs “Just sleep.”

Gus closes his eyes but doesn’t really rest even if he drifts in and out of consciousness. Clarke pushes up a chair next to them and constantly changes the bandage on his forehead.

Bellamy’s so tense and so tired that his hands shake so much sometimes she has to reach out and take them just to steady him.

At some point during the night Gus starts talking in his sleep, calling his dad and not registering anything Bellamy says even if his eyes are half opened. Then when Clarke leans over to help remove the wet sheets from him and wrap him in a warm blanket again instead, he mumbles.

“Mama-” for a moment both her and Bellamy stop breathing. Clarke doesn’t know what to do at first so she just keeps staring at Bellamy who’s mouth agape as well, eyes full of tears. “Mama...” Gus calls out again and reaches his hand to her, eyes barely opened.

“Gus-” Clarke chokes on her words but bites her lip and commands herself to keep talking, knowing she had to be strong for them “It’s doctor Clarke.” she tries carefully correcting him but Gus just moans a little turns his head from his dad to her and smiles, repeating.

“Mama.” he mumbles and Bellamy’s heart completely breaks at that. He looks away as if in shame, as if he’s not enough to give his son the person he needed the most and that somehow being his fault which Clarke just hates.

He squeezes Gus’ hand tightly and swallows down his own sorrow but a whimper still escapes his lips and Clarke takes the little boy’s extended hand and when it just so perfectly wraps around her big fingers she brings it to her lips.

She’d never overstep her bounderies-she knew she wasn’t Gus’ mom, she’d never be that but he needed one in this very moment-she was desperate for her embrace and he just couldn’t have her.

“I’m here, sweet boy. Clarke’s here.” she tells him and reaches out gently removing him from Bellamy’s embrace and taking Gus’ weak body in her arms. “Hey-” she whispers when Gus folds into her so naturally, literally like a baby and looks up eyes barely opened before coughing again.

From the corner of her eye she sees Bellamy lean forward on his knees and sob quietly, burrying his head in his hands. 

The pain that left his body came off in waves Clarke swore she could drown in and for a minute there her own eyes filled with grief.

God, why was it so hard for them?

Why was it so awful.

She cradles the boy in her arms and his tiny hand spreads over her chest, his head buries near her arm, his curls spill on her elbow. She rocks him back and forth before giving him her finger and letting him suck on it.

“You’ll be okay.” she keeps talking to him “You’ll be okay, sweet boy.” Gus quiets in her arms and starts dozing off again while she keeps walking around the room and gently rocking him, telling him silly things like how her dad used to dance with her when she was his age, put her tiny feet on his and move her around or how her friend Wells tore his head open jumping from the kitchen counter at her family’s apartment.

Or how she’d love the most to pretend to be asleep when they put her to bed but then sneak out to the window that looked at the earth and stare at it for hours, having this desperate innate need to see the planet and then later on, to draw it. 

It may be half an hour or even more until she figures that both Gus is calmer now and Bellamy’s sobs had quieted. Carefully, she comes by the rocking chair and grips his shoulder. 

He looks up at her, red-eyed and completely wrecked, the tears that had stained his cheeks looking like small rivers that carved their way into his skin, into his grief.

“Come.” she urges, reaching for his hand “Let’s get to bed.”

He follows her without arguments or complaints and though he struggles to walk he somehow makes it there, climbing on the side next to the wall and watching as she carefully lowers Gus between them before joining in on the other side. 

She adjusts the pillows and the blankets around them, she cuddles closer to the boy and Bellamy who’s still in shock and she takes his hand and intertwines it with hers over Gus’ small body. The baby boy spreads between them, definitely much warmer now, turning his head left and right and coughing still but now more at peace. 

“I’m sorry.” Bellamy whispers at last, swallowing hard “I-...he had never asked for her before unless he was dreaming.”

“That’s okay.” Clarke promises “I hope I didn’t overstep.”

“No.” he shakes his head feverntly “He needs this. He needs a strong female figure in his life, he needs...a woman’s embrace that is not his grandma. He just-” Bellamy’s voice breaks at that and it’s his turn to squeeze her hand very hard. 

“Bellamy, listen to me.” she says softly “I’ll never try to replace his mom. Ever.” she emphaisezes “But whenever he needs a warm embrace, an advice or just a shoulder to lean on, I’ll be here, no matter what-in sickness or health, in bad and good moments.”

“Clarke-”

“And before you say I don’t have to do this and it’s not my responsibility, I’ll tell you that I know that yet still-” she rubs her thumb over his hand “I’m here for him.” Bellamy keeps his eyes trained on her “No matter what.”

“Thank you.” he manages after a moment “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome.” she smiles back softly and just then Gus rolls over and buries his head back in Bellamy’s chest, seeking his comfort once more but this time Bellamy pulls her to them too and tightens his grip on her waist.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve having you in my life but I am grateful for you, Clarke.” it’s her turn to look away ashamed “I truly am.”

“I don’t know who’s the lucky one here.” she mumbles carefully “You did save my life.”

“You saved mine too. More than once.”

“It’s not a competition, smarty pants.” she jokes lightly and it cracks a smile out of him. 

“I’ll keep it in mind, princess.” he rubs his hand up and down her back, sending shivers down her spine. Once again, like the other night, the first one she spent at their place, their faces are so close to each other they’re breathing each other’s air. “But still...I I have to catch up.” she chuckles and buries her head in the pillow. 

When she looks up again, their noses are brushing and Clarke feels her cheek heat up. His hand moves to her cheek and he cups it softly, moving a few strands of hair behind her ear and looking at her eyes with so much love and gentleness that it makes her heart flutter.

“Bellamy-” she whispers and he smiles, ducking his hand like an embarrassed boy and trying to move his hand away but she catches his wrist last minute and forces it back on her cheek.

He warms up at that even more, his face relaxes and the roughness of his calloused fingers against her soft skin make her curl her toes.

She was so close. Her eyes drop to his lips, the scar on the right under his nose-how did he get that, she wonders, how would it taste to kiss it?

To distract herself she raised her own hand to his face and cupped his freckled skin. Gus had the same stars on his face, maybe somehow even more and she loved getting lost in them.

“You look tired.” she says softly, worry evident in her voice.

“I’ve been like that since he was born.”

“I’m not kidding, Bellamy.”

“Neither am I, princess.” his hand on hers makes her cheek burn even more but she doesn’t care, right now all she just loves feeling is having him so close.

“Have you slept at all?” she presses a bit, she always has to with him if she wants an honest answer.

“Not really.” he gives in because he only ever could say that out loud to her. Give the weight of the world away for a second or at least not let it press too hard against his chest, against the every day worries, pains, struggles. He could let himself exhale knowing she wouldn’t judge-she may scold, she may frown, but she would never ever offer anything but kindness and understanding.

He hasn’t had that in his life in a very long time.

“You should rest.” she insists because she doesn’t know how much she can control herself with him being as close to her as he was and not just lean forward and taste his lips. 

Taste him.

“Get some sleep.” she adds but he just shakes his head.

“I can’t.” a curl falls over his forehead when he moves closer and it juggles a little in the air up and down until it settles-it seemed as if his hair had a life of its own and she can’t say she hates it. “Not until he’s somewhat better.”

She notices everything about him now-it’s been just a few months since she’s known them but she knows well enough that by the way he moves, the way he constantly carefully adjusts his body on his side, that he hurts-his back must be killing him, his knee was causing the tiny drops of sweat on his forehead to come down and mix with the tear stains on his face.

“Do you hurt?” she moves her hand to the back of his neck and rubs it gently, supportively, already knowing the answer but needing to ask anyway and feeling desperate to provide some comfort.

He leans into her touch.

“I’m okay.”

“Try that again.” she begs letting her hand drop to his waist and sneak under his t-shirt-his skin was clammy and hot to the touch-his body probably wasn’t used to the kind of temparature she had in her apartment. 

He huffs but doesn’t answer and lets her fingers trace the thick ugly scarf left from the shrapnel that started at his side and went all the way to his spine. He hisses when she applies pressure on it.

“Fine...fine, it hurts.” he says through teeth.

“How bad?”

“Can we talk about something else, please?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because you take care of everyone but nobody takes care of you.” she starts gently massaging the spot, moving closer to him and stretching out her arm over Gus’ small body. 

“That’s not true.” he opposes her but she just raises an eyebrow at him and he rolls his eyes, deciding that he won’t be the one to change her mind, not about this, not right now. “And you’re one to talk.”

“Are you kidding? You’ve been taking care of me since I started working in Factory-bringing me rations, fixing the place for us, warning me to dress warm and get an extra sweater.”

“None of which you do.” he argues pretending to be even more annoyed at her as if she too was a child like Gus that he had to stubbornly deal with and protect.

“I got the jacket.”

“It’s paper thin, princess, this ain’t called a jacket. In Factory it’s like a t-shirt.”

“Okay, mister North Pole take it easy there.” he chuckles a little and winces when she applies pressure on a particular spot she knew gave him the most trouble. His back arches from the pain and he grits his teeth “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” he manages and when she tries to move her hand away he grabs her wrist and keeps her there begging her with his eyes to stay which she does, glad that she could be of some comfort to him. 

“Gina used to get pissed off that I overdressed Gus when he was a baby.” he says after a moment smiling a little at the memory. “I was always so scared he’d be too cold, get sick and-” he doesn’t finish it “Life’s always been so fragile in Factory, so precious and I was scared.”

Clarke keeps rubbing her thumb over his hand and holding him tight.

“I’d put two of everything on him it was quite funny-” he recalls “Two t-shirts, two little sweaters, two pairs of socks and then a hat and a blanket. He’d overheat, start crying and I’d be at a loss.” he shakes his head softly to himself “When she came home she’d find me holding him trying to calm him down and then once she saw what I did she’d be like “Bell, you can’t put THAT many clothes on him!”

“And what would you say?”

He feels embarrassed now but not too ashamed as not to share with her.

“I’d say-but he’s just so small and I...I didn’t want him to be cold.” and then she’d shake her head at me and put him on the bed, unwrap him and hold him in her arms until he cooled off and stopped crying.”

“You were just trying to be a good father.”

“I suffocated him with my love and worry.” he admits.

Somehow it was always so easy for him to call himself bad names, to punish himself, it’s like he didn’t think twice before offending his kind heart and she hated it. She hated the easiness with which he refused to see anything but the gentleness and goodness inside him. 

“I’d sit on the chair and feel sorry for myself, blame myself and then she’d come by and squeeze my shoulder saying that she knew I love him too much and that’s why I did it but I had to found my boundaries because he was a baby now but if as he grew up I kept giving and giving and giving away and letting him do anything he wanted, then he wouldn’t be the son we wanted to raise, the man he wanted him to be.”

“That must’ve been hard for you.”

“I was terrified when she passed away because he was so small, still a baby. He just learned to walk and he was blabbing mama and asking for her all the time like every kid does and then suddenly she was no longer there and he would never call anyone by that word ever again.” he tries hard not to let his tears spill as he talked but still a lonely one found its way down his cheek, rolling to the pillow and drowning in the softness of the material. 

“And suddenly I had to teach him everything about the world without her.”

“And deal with the loss of her at the same time.” she adds “That must’ve been a lot on you.”

“It was. I was a mess at first-I wasn’t a good father to him. He felt that something was wrong so he’d cry and Gus, believe it or not wasn’t one of those wailing babies. He was so quiet that sometimes Gina and I would wake up in the middle of the night and check on him to make sure he’s okay because he wouldn’t even peep and we’d find him awake crawing in his bed or blabbing quietly to himself, eating his feet or his fist.” that makes her smile a little before he keeps on “But after she...passed he’d cry so much. I’d hold him, talk to him, feed him but he missed her.”

“So what happened?”

“Mom did.” he admits “She helped out a lot, made sure I got back to my feet and took care of myself as well because I wouldn’t sleep either, worrying all over him and how I was going to do this.” he looks away ashamed of himself “It was bad for a while before it got better and when it did I knew I had to raise him like she’d have wanted so I tried to use my head as well as my heart-set boundaries, tell him no even when he begged, make sure he learned when to be polite and how to respond to others. I’m still...learning of course.”

“But it’s hard.”

“It’ll always be hard.” he shrugs a little as he looks down at the sleeping boy between them. “But I don’t mind that-all the pain is worth is when I see his smile and feel his tiny arms wrapped around me.”

Clarke smiles and covers Gus’ head with hers, runs her fingers gently through the thick curls and then swipes them down to his cheek-

And suddenly-

She gasps a little too loud and her moth hangs open which makes Bellamy jump a little and move up to his elbow.

“What is it?” he asks reaching for her hand covering Gus’ face and when his big palm ends up on his forehead it dawns on him too and his eyes move to meet hers.

“It broke.” she says softly with a light smile “His fever broke.”

The relief on Bellamy’s face is unmatched. She’s never seen him like that before and she’s been them for some time. He smiles, chuckles even and then leans down to Gus’ sleeping body, cupping his cheek, pressing his forehead to his son’s.

“Oh thank God!” he exhales kissing his cheeks and nose, tears of relief streaming down his face “Thank you!” he stops, looking up at the ceiling for a moment as if praying quietly to the stars.

To Gina, Clarke thought-he’s thanking her for keeping their son safe.

Her heart clenches because of all the pain they have in their lives. Pain none of them deserve and she hates it, she hates it so damn much.

And then Bellamy reaches down an takes her hand again, squeezing it hard.

“Thank you, Clarke.” she loves how unashamed of his tears he is, how un-embarrassed. It filled her soul with love for him-the honesty, the truthfulness to Bellamy and Gus-their kindness, theyr goodness, their pureness and their absolutely and complete trust that they put in her so blindly yet so unafraid.

“I didn’t do anything.” she ducks her head feeling her cheeks burn but he just shakes his head harder.

“No, you saved him.” he insists “You saved my son.”

“It’s the medicine, Bell, not me.”

“Will you stop putting yourself down and let me praise you?” she blushes even more and then before she knows it he’s leaning over Gus and closing the distance between them, kissing her forehead for the briefest of moments and then pulling back, ducking his head as shyly as she had just a moment before.

She’s dumbfounded as if she’s star-struck and it feels like there are indeed stars she sees when she looks up at his face again.

He’s smiling in the sweetest most boyish of ways but there’s also some sweet cheekiness to it, some devilishness that she finds makes her heart beat twice as fast.

“Only when you stop doing the same.” she manages the words out, voice a little too high pitched. He collapses back on the pillow and pulls Gus closer to his chest. The kid coughs a little but folds into his dad with a little moan before resting his head on his arm, mouth open, drooling on his shirt-it’s the most adorable thing Clarke has ever seen.

“Now we just need to control the cough.” she whispers, rubbing her hand up and down Gus’ back and adjusting the blanket over them “I’ll give him the rest of the antibiotics tomorrow.

Bellamy just nods, keeping his hand on Gus’ cheek, rubbing his thumb up and down up and down as if making sure his skin is really no longer burning. 

“Do you have to go to work tomorrow?”

“I have a night shift.”

“A night shift?”

“It starts at about ten and I’m usually done by six or seven, depending on wheather or not I take a break at some point.” he explains eyes still on Gus.

The kid wiggles in his arms and kicks with his feet, moaning as he rolls on his back and briefly opens his eyes-though he was exhausted he never truly rested that night, all the pain from the coughing and the fever keeping him uncomfortable. 

“He’s hungry.” Bellamy says and just then Gus rolls back to his side and reaches out his tiny hand looking for his father. When he grabs a hold of his shirt he pulls closer and then shoves the fist-holding cloth in his mouth.

“I’ll get one of the bottles I ordered up warm.” she says before carefully slipping out of bed.

While she’s off by the microwave (which yes, she had and Bellamy had never in his life ever seen before, only heard of), Bellamy adjusts himself in the bed, sitting up straighter, adjusting Gus  in his arms like a baby, talking to him in both English and Tagalog but Clarke felt that he was getting sleepier, more tired by the minute and she knew she had to force him to sleep.

She comes back with the warm bottle and carefully slides in next to him. Gus is indeed hungry because when Bellamy pushes the bottle in his mouth he starts sucking right away, so fast that his mouth is smacking, making them giggle.

“I’m sorry we have been so much trouble.” he says after a moment as Clarke adjusts herself close to them and leans a little on Bellamy’s bicep herself, looking down at the eating boy and cupping the back of his head with her hand. “We’ll be out of your hair first thing tomorrow.”

“Nonsense-” she interrupts him “In fact I’m off tomorrow and since you don’t have to work till the evening, I was thinking you should stick around.”

“Clarke-”

“Listen to me, you guys need to rest and stay warm and that way I can keep an eye on him for at least another day.” when she looks up she finds him staring down at her contemplating on her words and battling with himself “Please, Bellamy.” she reaches for his arm that’s holding Gus-the bad one with the fucked up shoulder that was somehow the least of his troubles right now. 

In all honesty she was doing this for Gus but also for Bellamy-somehow she was sure that tomorrow she can force him to take it easy and maybe even massage that back of his as well as wrap up his knee in one of those cold compress bandages that she learned how to do from Jackson a few weeks ago.

“Fine...it’s hard to argue with you, princess.”

“Especially when I have a point, right?” he grunts at that and she giggles. Just then Gus finishes his bottle and when Bellamy pulls it away his tiny lips keep sucking onto nothing, desperate for more.

“I’ll get the other bottle too.” 

“Wait, we shouldn’t...we can keep it for tomorrow.”

“No, we can’t. He needs his strength to battle this, Bellamy.” she is already up on her feet “Don’t think about rationing right now, not about this.” he ducks his head away and gives Gus his finger to suck on to while she goes to the kitchen with the other bottle in hand. 

When she comes back she notices Bellamy’s even more slumped on the bed, barely holding onto consciousness, so she easily takes Gus away from his arms and gives him the bottle herself.

“Sleep.” she pushes him down on the pillow.

“I can stay up a little while longer.”

“No, you can’t. You’re exhausted.” she insists and he must be very tired because it’s too easy for her to put him down with one hand and then pull the blankets up. He lays on his side but keeps his drowsy eyes opened as if out of sheer stubbornness, staring at her feeding Gus.

“I’ll...I’ll pay you back for the food and...everything.” he mumbles and she rolls her eyes.

“No you won’t.”

“But-”

“Stop being a stubborn ass and go to sleep, Bellamy.” he smiles but exhaustion finally overcomes him and he closes his eyes mumbling something about her being a “badass, princess” which she agrees with. 

When Gus is done with his bottle and even burps a little, she checks out his temperature and upon finding it much lower, finds herself breathing easier as well. Then she listens to his lungs and changes him of his wet shirt with one of the others she finds in the small bag Bellamy had been carrying with him when he came to medbay all those hours ago.

FInally, she places him next to his dad and lays on the other side but doesn’t fall asleep right away instead opting to enjoy simply watching them rest peacefully, thinking how...she wouldn’t mind doing this every day.

Just before she herself falls, she carefully raises herself up on her elbow and kisses Bellamy’s forehead, letting her lips linger on it, returing the gesture from before. He mumbles something and cuddles in on himself like Gus did, burying himself deeper into the blankets. She smiles and cups his cheek lovingly before resting her head on her pillow.

A few seconds or so later, his hand wraps around her waist, pulling her closer to them and she falls asleep feeling more peaceful than she ever had. 

Chapter 18

Notes:

A/N: This one may seem like it's a little cut in half again but that's because the whole thing was just too long and I decided to split it in two. I hope the fluff of it all will compensate for it-for once this is a happier chapter.

Thank you for your wonderful comments and kudos, they are much appreciated!

You can also find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Clarke wakes up by the sound of Bellamy and Gus’ voices and she commands herself not to open her eyes at first simply because she is tired as well but also because she wants to listen to what they’re talking about and it takes her a second to make out the words.

“But dada, shwodnt we wake her so she have bweakfast too?”

“No, son, she spent the night taking care of you so she’s tired.” Bellamy says softly and she feels Gus shuffle near her, his tiny feet kicking around. Then he coughs a little and Bellamy shooshes him and Clarke feels his big arm run up and down Gus’ back while accidentally touching her stomach too. 

“How do you feel?” he asks whispering with worry as Gus coughs again.

“It huwts to cough.” he says finally and she feels her own heart clench “Maybe I showdnt cuff dada?”

“It’s not something you can stop, Gus.” Bellamy says softly “Clarke will give you some syrup to soothe it, okay?”

“Awkay.” she feels Gus shuffle under the sheets “It’s so warm here, dada. I laik it.”

A beat in which Bellamy’s probably gathering himself and then she hears him say softly, carefully.

“Me too, son.”

“Clarke’s apawtment is so much biggew than ouws.” he says after shuffling some more, probably adjusting on his dad’s stomach and resting his head on his chest since Clarke can’t feel him next to her anymore.

Truth is he hasn’t actually seen the whole place since he was so sick last night but he must be peaking up from under the blankets now, looking at it in awe. 

“It is, son.” Bellamy agrees with a low hum. 

“If we lived hewe, the’d be place for gwandma Rory and Jordan too.” Clarke can’t help but smile a little at that which is why she pulls the blanket up closer to her face and buries herself deeper in the pillow, hoping Bellamy wouldn’t notice.

“Mm, I bet you would’ve loved that, wouldn’t you?” Gus must agree with a nod because he shuffles and coughs some again which makes Clarke furrow her eyebrows worriedly. 

“If you study hard one day you can have a place like this on your own, for your family and yourself.” Bellamy says softly.

“And fow you too, dada!” Gus insists.

“I’ll be old by that time Gus and anyway, I’d stay in Factory.”

“But dada, I don’t want to leave you behind!” Gus insists “You can live with me and my famiwy. You and gwandma Rory both!” Clarke hears Bellamy clear his throat nervously-how was he to tell Gus that grandma Rory probably wouldn’t be alive by the time he got to have a family.

And even if they were that lucky, she surely wouldn’t be leaving Factory.

One person may move to another station and mary in it if they got a good job like doctor or engineer or guard, but their parents never would.

It was some twisted Ark rule so that the stations never mixed too much between each other and bad seeds couldn’t be carried into decent stations like Alpha or Hydra. 

“You’d have your own life then, Gus. Your own things to worry about.” Bellamy tries explaining carefully and it’s the nostalgia that he says it with that makes Clarke thing that despite him wanting the best for Gus when the time came, it’d be extremely hard to let him go. 

“I’d be just an old man, a burden.”

“No, dada! Never!” Gus insists stubbornly, coughing a little from the effort of trying to prove his dad wrong. “Gus would always want you, dada.” Clarke can’t handle not seeing them anymore so she cracks an eye open and finds Bellamy smiling down at him, running his hand through Gus’ curls while the boy was laying on his dad’s stomach, arms and legs hanging from both sides but his head propped up and his chin defiantly resting over his heart as he argued feverntly.

“Okay then.” Bellamy agrees, voice still so tired-he must’ve gotten just a few hours of sleep and it wasn’t enough. Thankfully none of them notice her still, so she keeps looking at them secretly. Gus thinks over something for a minute or so before he raises himself on his elbows and speaks up.

“Dada I like our home.” 

“Oh yeah?” Bellamy asks somewhat surprised “Isn’t it better here? Bigger, warmer, lighter? There’s a window with a view to Earth.” Gus shrugs.

“It’s nice.” Gus admits “Clarke has many things we don’t.” Bellamy swallows hard at that clearly uncomfortable that this is indeed the truth “But I like our bed and our home bettew.” he’s now sitting up and Bellamy’s hand is on his waist, keeping him upright because the kid was still very weak and tired.

Just because the fever was down didn’t mean he was all great.

“I only wish we had heawt all the time.”

“Maybe one day we will.” Bellamy says hopefully and Gus agrees with a small smile “Until then, you got your dad furnace, okay?” he pushes him down on his chest, feeling his weakness and pulling the blankets up.

Gus falls on him with ease and tightens his grip on his torso but just then he chooses to turn his head in Clarke’s direction and finds her peaking.

“Clarke’s awake!” he says with his hoarse sick voice and then coughs a little, the pain wrecking his tiny body for a moment too long. Clarke moves to them and places her hand on his back, shooshing him and trying to soothe him while it passed.

“Morning, little man.” she greets him with a small kiss on the forehead that she thankfully finds cold. 

“You’ve been sneaking on us, princess?” Bellamy teases as he moves up a little on the pillows, raising Gus’ body up as a way of helping him breathe easier. 

“No, I haven’t.” she lies but he just raises an eyebrow at her and gives her a knowing smirk.

“How’s my sweet little man?” she asks him leaning over and cupping his cheek, resting her face on Bellamy’s chest briefly. 

“I’m tiwed.” he tells her “And I feel sticky.”

“How about I draw you guys a bath then?” she suggests and Gus’ tiny eyebrows furrow in confusion.

“What’s a bad?”

“Bath, son.” Bellamy corrects him as always the most patient with him as he keeps rubbing his hand up and down his back and holding him tight.

“It’s kind of like a small pool with water where you can shower for as long as you want.” Clarke tries explaining swallowing hard as she realizes that the boy has never seen a bath tub in his life and all the times he has been cleaned was in the bathroom sink with Bellamy carrying hot water buckets and mixing them with cold ones so he could scrub him clean or beg that the shower would last long enough for them not to freeze to death.

Bellamy always told her Gus hated showering because of the cold water and she knew they had a whole thing every night when Bellamy tried to convince him it’s time for that particular part.

Gus would come out crying and holding on to his dad and Bellamy would be running his arms up and down his tiny torso trying to warm him before quickly carrying him to bed and piling blankets upon blankets on top of him.

“I don’t like to showew!” Gus complains looking up at his dad with big brown puppy eyes “And wat’s a pool?”

“It’s like in Alpha where kids learn to swim?” Clarke keeps explaining. She knew that there were pools only in Alpha and GoSci but she assumed all children were brought there at some point from school. She was-they had a whole semester of swimming classes when she was about nine years old.

“Have they not taken you there?” Gus shakes his head and Bellamy throws her a knowing sad look.

“I don’t think they ever will, princess.” he mumbles quietly before continuing “But Clarke’s right Gus, we should clean you up.”

“No, dada, I don’t want to feel cold, pwease!” he begged raising himself up on his butt again, his big curls falling over his head as he coughed a little, making his father wince with pain together with him. “Pwease! Gus will be good! I pwomise!”

“Gus, son, it’s not about that-” Bellamy tries explaining but Clarke sits up herself and reaches out to take his hand, running her thumb up and down his tiny fingers.

“Gus, I promise it won’t be cold. In fact, it will be very nice and pleasant, okay?” Gus shakes his head.

“But I dont waik to showew!”

“I know.” she continues patiently, learning quick from Bellamy’s behavior “And to be honest with you-” she leans closer and whispers “I kind of hate it too.” Gus’ eyes widen at that and he tilts his head to her.

“Weally?”

“Really. Especially in the morning when I have to get to work and I’m all sleepy and still not ready to start the day.” she leans on the bedboard “The thought of undressing and getting there even if it’s warm makes me pout like your dad when I change his bandage.”

“Hey!” Bellamy protests and Gus giggles.

“But I also remember that I can’t go to work smelly, you know?” she continues carefully and Gus grows serious again “You wouldn’t like me treating you if I did, right?”

“Rait.” Gus agrees and she can see his internal battle before he speaks up again “Dawcy wouldn’t want to read stowies with me me if I smelled, rait dada?” Bellamy smiles a little and Clarke throws him a surprised look. 

“She definitely wouldn’t, son.” Gus sighs dramatically and then turns to Clarke giving her a small nod.

“Olwait, Clarke.” he agrees “I’ll twai your pool.” she smiles and leans over to kiss his little nose which makes him giggle and reach his hands over for her to take him which she does. 

She uses the moment to check how he’s doing, sitting him up and taking in his temperature once again, listening to his lungs and heart, flashing a light in his eyes and making him open his mouth to see how bad his throat is, which is in fact much better.

Though she’s paying attention to Bellamy, she notices the way he struggles to sit up when she puts Gus in his lap and holds him while she gives him his shots. The kid is much braver now and takes it like a total champ, surprising them both but he does whine a little when she gives him the syrup which is somewhat bitter so Bellamy has to pamper him and let him climb up in his arms and hold on to him for a minute too long. 

She hears him whisper something in Bellamy’s ear while she cleans the needles and all her medical stuff away.

“There’s nothing to be afraid of, son.” Bellamy says a little louder, giving Clarke a look “It’s just water.”

Despite her protests, he carries him to the bathroom and sits on the toilet lid while she fills it up. Gus is a little too tentative to let go of his dad and munches on his fist the whole time, clearly getting hungry again but Bellamy urges him to get his feet on the ground and then Clarke watches as he adorable pats to the bath and looks down at it.

He contemplates for a moment and then turns to his dad.

“Dada, Gus don’t wanna.”

“Baby boy-” Bellamy starts but Clarke’s faster.

“What if your dad got in it with you too?” she suggests and Gus looks at her with his big sad eyes “You could both do me a favor and wash Rainbow for me.”

“Who’s Wainbow?”

“Yeah, princess, who’s Rainbow and why am I getting in a tub for them?” Clarke just raises her index finger, motioning for them to wait before she heads back to the room in which time Gus and Bellamy exchange confused looks and shrug to each other just as she comes back holding a really cute stuffed giraffe made from colorful patches but mostly orange with circles and squares of red, green, bright blue and purple.

She holds it up like a baby for them to see and Gus titls his head.

“What’s dat?” he asks munching on his fingers.

“It’s my favorite toy from my childhood-Rainbow the Giraffe.” Clarke explains enthusiastically before kneeling down to Gus “But to tell you a secret, I still sleep with him.”

“Is that what was pocking me in the ribs last night?” Bellamy huffs pretending to be annoyed and both Gus and Clarke turn to him grumpily which makes him raise his arms in defense. “Hey, I’m just asking!”

“What’s a giwaffe?” Gus asks as he comes closer and looks at Rainbow

“It’s an animal that lives in the savannah like the elephant that you learned about in school.” Gus nods and reaches out his tiny hands asking for permission to hold the stuffie and takes his time carefully looking at it.

“It has a big neck.”

“That’s what they’re famous for, son.” Bellamy adds softly, smiling at his son’s shenanigans.

“How do dey eat, dada? Does it take a long time fow the food to go to theiw tummy?”

“I don’t know, son. Maybe we can find a documentary about them on the tablet later, how about that?” Gus agrees with a nod and Clarke loves how much he wanted to know, always-he was a curious boy and he’d grow up to be a very smart man. 

“Thing is, Rainbow is pretty ruffled and dirty, you see-” Clarke brings them back to her point “So he can get in with you guys and you can clean him up for me, how bout that?”

Gus looks at him again and then after a beat he hugs him and gives Clarke a hard nod.

“We can do that, rait, dada?” he asks turning back to his dad “For Clarke?” Bellamy stifles his laugh and gives him a serious yes before Gus goes back near the tub and sits on the floor, starting on taking his clothes off but keeping Rainbow tight under his arm and refusing to let him go.

Clarke saw the light in his eyes when she showed it to him-Gus loved him right away.

“You need help, little man?” he asks him but Gus just shakes his head and keeps trying to pull his pants. He’s still sick and exhausted, though, so Bellamy makes him get up and come to him so he can help him undress.

And then Clarke remembers that Bellamy has to undress too which makes her blush so she excuses herself saying she’ll get them some clean clothes and more towels as well as some soap and the order food.

Basically, she’s blabbing, like a lot and Bellamy gives her his signature smirk while helping Gus take his shirt off.

By the time she gets back, which is twenty minutes later, they’re both inside and judging by the clothes Bellamy left behind on the toilet lid, he did keep his boxers. 

“Here, clean bar of soap and some shampoo-” she hands them over while grabbing an extra box from the cupboard above the sink and putting some of it in the water.

“What’s that?” Bellamy asks and she tries hard not to stare at his beautiful very naked chest.

“You’ll see in a minute.” Gus was blabbing to Rainbow and carefully dunking his little body in the water, washing his nose with his hand while sitting between Bellamy’s legs and resting his back on his stomach.

Clarke stirs the water some and soon the bubbles come in making Gus gasp in awe.

“Dada! Dada! Look, it’s magic bubbles!” he exclaims and Bellamy chuckles as the water gets more soapy and bubbly all around them, hiding some of their nakedness and unfortunately for Clarke-Bellamy’s chest. 

“Aw, dada!!! It’s so pwetty! Look!” he grabs some with his hand and tries to blow them, making Clarke giggle too.

“Come on, son, time to wash up.” Bellamy grabs the shampoo and soaps his hair which erupts lots of giggles and protest from Gus who is just trying to “chase the bubbles” around and dunk Rainbow in the water, enjoying whenever he came out of it completely covered in foam. 

“Hold still, son and close your eyes!” Bellamy tells him when he wiggles around and turns to face his dad while poor Bellamy’s trying to get all of his hair that’s too long. “We definitely need to cut this.”

“No, dada, no!”

Clarke kneels by the tub and rests her arm on it as she watches them.

“I think your dad’s right Gus. I can’t see your pretty eyes anymore and I love them.” Gus stops contemplating on her words and pushing Rainbow to his chest as he turns back to her moaning a little when Bellamy massages the back of his skull and groaning in pleasure.

Then she watches as Bellamy picks up some water in his hands and washes over his head, ordering him to cover his ears and close his eyes as he does it. Gus is adorable like that, all wet and cute and though he wasn’t eating too much he was still so chubby and baby-like.

He had these fat arms and his tummy was all big and adorable and he was covered in freckles on his back just like Bellamy. They even, as Gus showed her, had the same mole on their right feet between their first and second toe.

It was the cutest.

“Dawcy said she laiks my eyes too.” he says after a moment. “You think she can’t see them?”

“Most probably, son.” Bellamy picks his chin up and looks at his eyes “And since when do you think so hard about what Darcy likes and doesn’t like in you?” Gus blushes and turns his head to the side, gripping Rainbow with his tiny arms and mumbling something under his nose.

“What was that?”

“I...fancy her.”

“Oh, you do, huh?”

“Shh, Bellamy, don’t you dare tease the boy!” Clarke scolds, slapping the water with her hand and sending some of it in his direction. “You two were very sweet on the Unity days celebration.” she continues talking seriously to Gus while Bellamy smiles marveling at his son’s cute adorable uncomfortable-ness. “Is that when you guys got close?”

“Well...no, not weally.” he speaks up now that he has someone listening to him with interest “Dawcy laiks to draw too so she would come to my table and I wud share the pencils you bout me and then after she’d hold my hand on the playground.” he explains sweetly “And sometaims at lunch tho it’s harwdew fow me to eat with my left hand but I didn’t wanna let go of hew.”

“It’s nice, isn’t it son?” Bellamy asks, getting serious now too and Gus nods.

“I laik it. It’s warm and makes something hewe...fly?” he explains pointing at his heart.

“You mean like butterflies, Gus?” Clarke  helps,

“Gus feels light...like a biwd.” he explains “It’s like when dada tickles me but bettew.” he tilts his head and a few curls fall over his eyes again “Why does that happen, doctow Clarke? Am I sick?”

“No, Gus-” she reaches over and cups his cheek “You just like her very very much and it makes your heart beat faster and feel better. Be...happy.”

“It’s what happens when people really like each other.” Bellamy adds “It’s not a sickness...in the real sense of the word.” he reaches over and picks the soap, deciding to keep washing him while they talked so that the water doesn’t get too cold. Gus lets him pick his arm up and scrub under his pit, then soap his chest and belly.

“Was that how you felt when you met mama?”

“Yes” the nostalgia in Bellamy’s voice was unmistakable and Clarke knew he was going back to that moment when he met her.

Just then she caught sight of the tattoo on the inside of his arm where the bird was and her heart skipped a beat-she had to gather the courage to ask him about it but judging by the way his eyes fell to it when Gus asked about his mom, she knew she was probably right to think it was about Gina.

“Maybe it was even stronger because I was older.”

“Will it get to huwt more dada?”

“Well, love hurts sometimes, son, but it also creates beautiful amazing things like you.” Bellamy boops his nose as he leans down to kiss his forehead but Gus seems lost in thought for a moment.

“Dada, I don’t twing Dawcy and I are weady to have a little Gus.” that makes both him and Clarke burst in laughter from pure joy and Gus who seems confused at first looks at them perplexed before he shoves his finger in his mouth and smiles as well. 

“That’s okay, son. I’m not sure I am ready to be a grandpa yet either.” Bellamy promises and Gus moves up on his feet picking up some of the foam and spreading it over his face.

“Why not, dada? You’d look nice with a beawd!” that only makes Clarke laugh harder and she actually needs a moment to gather herself while Gus absolutely seriously looks at his dad with his face foamed.

“You look like Santa Clause!” Clarke jokes when Gus spreads more bubbles over his face and looks at his father in awe, then picks some of it too and puts it on his own face.

“Who’s dat, Clarke?”

“He is an old man with white beard who brings children presents on Christmas.” Clarke explains patiently “Or well..he did, back on Earth. But we still reenact the whole thing in Alpha on the 25th of December.” both Gus and Bellamy give her confused looks “Don’t you do it in Factory?”

“We give each other sweet stuff on Christmas, biscuits and so on but ...not presents.” Bellamy answers with a shrug “I didn’t know that was a thing really.”

“We get pwesents on Wheat day!” Gus exclaims and it’s Clarke’s turn to tilt her head to the side in confusion while she tries to keep her face neutral from seeing them both with beard foam faces.

“What’s that?”

“It’s when Farm and Factory have a joined celebrations.” Bellamy explains and she just can’t take him seriously with that bubble beard so she lets herself smile and he tries to roll his eyes grumpily but keeps explaining.

“It’s a whole thing-Farm collect their harvest for the year and we are granted a free day off work so we celebrate together in the mess hall. It started a few generations ago with the first weeding between our stations.”

“Appawently, as gwandma Rory says, the pawty was to die fow!” Gus adds and Clarke chuckles “So we kept doing it.”

“Maybe one day you can take me to it, huh?”

“Would love to, princess. I’d like to see your Alpha self dance in a circle with us mere mortals.”

“Dada, you think I can dance with Dawcy too?”

“Of course, son, but we’ll have to practice on your skills.” and Gus beams at that before turning to Clarke with a proud smile.

“Dada is the best dancew! He said he swooped mama off her feet the first time he took her to Wheat day!”

“I sure did!”

“Bellamy Blake-a dancer?” Clarke asks confused “I somehow can’t picture that.”

“Yeah, dada was awesome! He was young and just had his first beard grow!” Gus retells the story that Clarke’s sure he’s heard a thousand times probably because he asked for every bit of information he could have on his mom. 

“Is that so?” Clarke teases and Bellamy groans.

“Yeah, it was laik a ...catepirel, right dad?”

“You mean caterpillar, son.” Bellamy explains patiently and Clarke covers her mouth with her hand so as not to laugh. “I see you, princess, you can laugh, I was just a boy then.”

“Oh, a mere young lad!” Clarke gets some water splashed to her and Gus’ laughter echoes through the bathroom. 

“Then his beard grew and mama liked it!”

“I bet she did after that poor little caterpiller.”

“Okay, enough of that!” Bellamy chides mildly as he pulls a coughing Gus to him “The water’s getting cold, we should get you out, little man.” the kid might’ve been having fun and feeling enthusiastic for a moment but he was still sick and very weak so they shouldn’t be risking it too much. He had to eat and then get more sleep. That cough had to go away and for it he needed to be warm, rested and well taken care of.

“No, dada!!! Beawd shave, pwease!” Gus begged climbing on his chest and pushing his chin up in Bellamy’s direction.

“What’s that?” Clarke asks as she picks up a towel, ready to wrap him in it the moment Bellamy gave her a sign to do so. 

“One day I’ll have a beawd like dada and he’ll show me how to shave it but for now, we’re just twaining!” Gus explains and Clarke’s heart fills fondly at the sight of them.

Right now Bellamy had but a stubble, nothing too big or grandeur, he’s always been like that though she knew he shaved at least once a week because he’s noticed the softness of his cheeks. Somehow, though she liked the charm of his stubble, especially if he let it grow out a little and in the past two weeks he seemed to have abandoned it as well as his poor hair that she was pretty sure was knotted in the back. 

“Okay son, I do you first or you me?” Bellamy asks and Gus pats his cheek with his index finger for a minute before he decides.

“I do you, dada! So we can show doctow Clarke how it’s done!” Clarke laughs at that but complies when Gus asks her for a spoon which is their "razor" of sorts and watches as Gus wipes away the foam from his dad’s face with such care and concetration that she almost envied him. 

“You know girls shave too, right Gus?” Bellamy asks when Gus “does” his moustache.

“They do?” he pulls away absolutely stunned and then looks at Clarke who just points at the razor she had above the sink.”What do you shave?”

“Our legs.” Clarke explains “Mostly, but also our armpits.”

“Boys don’t do that.” Gus drops the spoon in the water, forgetting the whole shaving business for a moment, then he hmms confused and picks up his dad’s arm checking if he had hair there which of course he did and then staring at his legs which were also admittidely hairy. “But...I don’t undewstand, we have haiw there too, why don’t we shave our legs, dada?”

“It’s just because...-”

“Of gender standards.” Clarke finishes and sees the utter confusion on his face.

“What does that mean, Clarke?” Bellamy just huffs an “Oh boy” and then glances at her whispering  “Good luck” and this is how she knows, she got herself in for a long and hard debate. 

“Well girls have to shave because...society says that it’s un-lady like to have hair on your legs.” Gus looks at her like she’s crazy, then back at his dad who gives ihm a small nod in confirmation of Clarke’s words so that he knows it’s not an Alpha thing but a general thing and then back at hers.

His face is still soapy and he looks adorably cute like an old man with beard but in a baby body with his hair an absolute stuck-to-his-head mess that was starting to dry and curl at the edges.

“That’s stupid.”

“Gus!” Bellamy warns.

“Sowwy, dada but it is!” Bellamy shakes his head wipes his beard clean of the bubbles and after cleaning the rest of the soap from his body, nods at Clarke that he’s ready for the towel.

 “I’d nevew make Dawcy shave her legs when we get together.” Bellamy clears his throat at that as Clarke takes him and wraps him up in the towel, bringing him to the toilet lid where she dries him up and hands him over a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. 

“Son, you’re too young to be with Darcy anyway.”

“Oh, don’t kill young love, you grumpy old man!” Clarke chides mildly and Bellamy crosses his arms over his chest in pretend pout.

“I’m not going to be a grandad for at least another thirty years!”

“But dada you were young when you met mama.” Gus chimes in as Clarke helps him put on his clothes and then rubs his hair clean off the water. He peaks from under the towel and Bellamy watches them with fondness as Clarke picks up a clean sweater for him and Gus automatically raises his arms up for her to put on. Like it was the most logical, natural thing in the world. “You said you first saw her in day cawe too and you knew she was special.”

“True but it wasn’t until years later that-”

“You got the couwage to ask her out!” Gus finishes and looks up at Clarke “I don’t wanna wait years. Do you think Gus gotta wait yeaws, Clarke?”

Clarke looks at Bellamy who’s giving her the “you better be careful with that answer” glare and she kneels down.

“I think for now we need to get you back to being healthy.” she says softly and reaches for his head “Trim those curls and make you even more handsome.”

Bellamy clears his throat pointedly and Clarke rolls her eyes.

“And then maybe you could ask her to swing together on the playground? Or draw with your watercolors, how about that?” Gus looks down at his hand and joins his little hands together, twisting them with worry “What if she says no?”

“I don’t think she will.” Clarke rubs his knee gently “But even if she does then it’ll be fine because dad and I are here, okay? We’ll help you out. Like always.”

Gus nods agreeing with her and then suddenly whips his head up suddenly figuring something out.

“Maybe you can help me draw her a cawd.”

“Card for what son? Does she have her birthday soon?”

“No, Dawcy’s biwthday is in March.”

“You don’t need a reason to give someone a card” Clarke cuts Bellamy off and he just throws his arms in the air helplessly “And of course I’ll help you, sweet cheeks.”

“Will you cut my hair?” he asks leaning into her chest tiredly as he coughs a little again and Clarke rubs her hand over his slumped back. “Make me pretty?”

“Of course, sweet cheeks.” she promises kissing his forehead and gently picking him up. “I brought you a towel and fresh clothes.” she tells him softly as he watches awkwardly from the tub. “Some are my dad’s so they’re kind of big but I think they’ll do?”

“Thank you, princess.”

“Dada, you coming?” Gus asks peaking behind Clarke’s shoulder with his hand in his mouth refusing to leave his dad behind. “You gotta cut dada’s hair too, rait Clarke?”

“Oh, absolutely.” Bellamy groans again but waves them a smile before she carries Gus out in the living room.

He takes his time and she feels a little stupid before figuring out why that is-his back and leg probably hurt a lot, it must’ve been hard for him to get out of that tub but in his typical Bellamy fashion he’d never say a peep.

Just when she was about done drying Gus’ hair and letting him choose the right channel on the projector, he comes out, wearing just the sweatpants, still half naked and trying to dry his hair with a towel as he leaned on the door frame. 

She curses herself mentally-she should’ve hurried in and helped him out. Judging by the way he stopped for a moment and gripped the metal cupboard nearby she knew it was bad.

She leaves Gus alone for a minute and rushes to him.

“Hey-” she puts her hand on his elbow and grips it, letting him know she’s there. He’s squeezing his eyes shut and overgoing what seemed to be a really strong bout of pain. “Hey, easy there.” he tries to keep on but he swings very violently again and she pushes his hand back on the cuboard commanding him to hold still.

He is so embarrassed he refuses to look at her-just keeps breathing in and out and tries to gather himself but his free hand shaking as she held it, is just another indication how hard that was.

“Talk to me.” she begs “How bad is it?”

He shakes his head and bites his lips stubbornly, refusing to let her in and that just makes her more angry but doesn’t let her falter.

“Bellamy-” she insists and then something else clicks in her head-another reason why he was trying to hide the pain away so hard so she turns to check on the kid and then focuses her attention back on him. “Gus is not looking.” she tells him and a small part of him deflates a little and lets his body sag against the drawers and lean his back on the wall. She looks down at his leg and upon finding it braceless gives him a stern look.

“Where’s your-”

“I forgot to put it on.” he utters breathlessly.

“Forgot? Bellamy, it should be second nature by now.” she scolds but tries not to raise her voice. “I bet you’re not using the ointment or making any of the bandages Jackson and I advised you to?” he swallows hard and looks to the right, avoiding her look. “Bellamy-”

“Just...take me to the table.”

“And then what?”

“When I sit for a moment I’ll be fine.”

“You were sitting five minutes ago and I don’t see you running sprints right now.” he huffs which only angers her more and she tightens the grip on his hand “Are you even using the cane or the crutch at home? Anything that helps support you?”

“I have the brace.”

“Bellamy a brace can’t hold your entire body up.” she tries explaining, softening a little when his voice breaks “It helps you walk but you need to use something else to help ease the weight on your back.” when he doesn’t answer anything, instead bowing his head like a guilty child, she gets somehow even more angry “Do you even realize how serious this is?”

“Right now I’m thinking about my son first.” he snaps a little through teeth and that makes her deflect somewhat but she keeps her eyebrows furrowed not ready to give up. He immideately regrets his words the moment he sees the pain in her eyes and wants to apologize but instead even though he’s not making any efforts to move he loses ground under his bad leg and almost falls on his knees.

She’s faster, though, catches him mid air, wraps a strong arm around his waist and throws his arm over his back, steadying him.

“And who thinks of you?” she whispers half-angry, half-sad as she helps him stay up. “You’re going to let me fix this later.”

“Clarke-”

“You’re going to let me or else I’m talking to your mother.” he groans even more annoyed, knowing far too well that Clarke was scary enough but the joined forced of his mom and her...now that would definitely get him in trouble, so he just tries to ignore her as she helps him move to the table.

“Dada?” Gus perks from the seat and Bellamy notices the redness of his cheeks, the way his body slumps and how tired his eyes look. The cough tortures his tiny self, shakes him like an earthquake and the sound of it breaks Bellamy’s soul in half. “Dada, you okay?”

“I’m okay, baby boy, just forgot to put the brace on, that’s all.” Bellamy lies and commands himself to gather all his strength as Clarke puts him on the chair and he pushes himself to Gus “Come here.” he picks him up even though it causes a sharp bout of pain to coarse through his back and make him bite his lip so he doesn’t scream. It doesn’t go unnoticed by Clarke judging by the way she fists her hands and forces herself not to say anything which he appreciates. 

“How are you? You tired?” Bellamy asks him when he puts him in his lap and leans closer to him, kissing his forehead.

“I wanna sweep, dada.” Gus says when another cough roams through his body and makes Bellamy wince.

Clarke kneels by them and puts her hand on his legs. 

“I know you’re tired but you should stay awake for a moment. I’ll get us some food and cut your hair and then you can sleep with Rainbow, how about that?” she says gently rubbing his knee.

The tiny giraffe was wet from the bath but Clarke had done her best to dry it with the towels she used on Gus and then leave it by the radiator so he can be ready for his new owner to sleep with. Thankfully, the stuffie’s material was easy to dry and now she brought it to the boy, handing him over and watching Gus wrap him in a tight grip under his left arm and kissing his nose in the most adorable of ways. 

“You think you can try to stay awake for me?”

“Mwhwm.” Gus agrees “But I’m not hungwy!” he says not looking up at Bellamy who’s eyes are filled with worry as his hand raises to touch his forehead and find it slightly warm.

“You have to eat to get stronger son.” Bellamy says calmly though he does throw a look at Clarke saying “He’s warm.” It was kind of unbelievable how easy they understood each other these days-without words, without implications-just gestures, looks.

It was enough for her to notice the tremble of his hand over Gus’ forehead-she recognized all the ways his hand trembled now-when it was from work it shook harder, sometimes he couldn’t even wrap his fingers around a cup of tea his mom made for him, other times it was just a tired slow tremble, that was when his fingers were filled with tiny splinters from work or cuts from wiping floors and surfaces that didn’t belong to his home but this tremble?

It was the dad one, the worried parent one that she had seen so many times before in her work but with Bellamy, there was so much more fear, so much more panic. He lived and breathed for this child-leaving all of him behind, not sparing a second to think of himself and she hated it God how she hated it.

It got her angry so much sometimes she wished she could kick him, grab him and shake the sense into him, beg him to listen, please just listen to her and Jackson, just like he was begging Gus now.

But she was so helpless.

Because he was much more stubborn and he refused to live for himself.

It destroyed her.

She picks up the electronic thermomether she had in her medbag and took Gus’ temperature with ease, showing the numbers to Bellamy and watching him exhale in relief.

“It’s normal for him to be a little warm after a bath and for it to linger a little bit above the normal one for a few days but I think the worst is over.” she whispers as she gently runs her hand through Gus’ curls. He’s already immersed with the cartoon projecting itself on the wall, his hand shoved in his mouth, sucking on it.

So much for not being hungry, she thought. Or it was just his baby instinct kicking in as he was held by his dad’s strong arms to feel comfortable and curl up in his lap feeling safe. 

“Sorry. I don’t mean to freak out.” he mumbles as an apology and she shakes her head dismissing it right away, not even letting them discuss it. 

“What food should I order?” she asks when she walks away and grabs a pair of scissors from the cupboard as well as an old apron and the mirror she used every morning to do her hair and apply some eyeliner and lip gloss, bringing them back to the table for Gus’ hair cut. He perks up at that, wakes up a little and lets her tie the apron around his neck but insists that his dad keeps holding him because he feels weak and sluggish. “Maybe some of that pizza from last night or-”

“No.” Bellamy shakes his head. “I don’t want to give him things that he’ll love that I can’t later on...provide for him.” he whispers softly above his head, hoping his words don’t carry to Gus’ ears and she understands that, she does but still...she refuses to feel helpless.

“Okay, some soup then.” Bellamy nods with a light but embarrassed smile and thanks her with a gentle squeeze of his hand before she goes to the intercom, grabs the telephone she had hanging from the phone and places the order she believes is the right one.

Cutting Gus’ hair is actually very calming and soothing as opposed to their time in the bath.

He’s sluggish, tired and coughing but he talks to his dad about Darcy and stuff at school, surprising Clarke by barely looking himself in the mirror as she works on him, trusting her completely.

She doesn’t cut it too short, she did love seeing ihs curls but she definitely removes a lot and leaves the soft tinier curls on the back of his head and carefully cuts his bangs. 

“Last time I cut his hair it was before Unity Days.” Bellamy mumbles lost in thought as he watches Gus completely mesmerized by the cartoon, coughing here and then but a little less now that she’s given him the medicine and the syrup. 

She knows what he means with that, though. He was still healthy then, still standing without any support. He was stronger, better. 

“It took me more time than it did you.” he admits as he watches her fix his bangs which erupts a slight groan from Gus who wants to keep watching his movie but she gently shushes him to stand still so he can be pretty for Darcy.

“That’s because I know what I’m doing.” she jokes lightly, elbowing his ribs and he smiles but there’s sadness lingering in him, so much sadness and she sees it in the way he slowly leans down and kisses Gus’ freshly cut hair.

She did cut it a little shorter than he had at Unity Days but he finds that he likes it better like that. His son clearly needed a woman’s touch in his life not only on the inside but on the outside too. 

“Hey-” she touches his hand gently when she’s about done with him and Gus lazily curls up even closer to him as he grabs his shirt sleeve to munch on. Bellamy’s chest is still bare, she can see the rapid rise and fall of his chest and though he hasn’t coughed too much since last night, she knows that’s not gone too. 

“What’s on your mind?” he shrugs trying to downplay it and she knows that she has to prepare him in a way if she wants him to share anything with her so she gives him his time.

She unwraps Gus’ apron from him and ties it around Bellamy’s neck-it was too big for the kid, but it works just fine on Bellamy and when she makes him move forward so she can do the knot, she notices the ugly scars on his back once more-the one from the shrapnel and the burn from the guards’ baton that would never go away either and all of it makes her wince uncomfortably. 

Gus agrees to move to the chair next to his dad so the hair she cuts doesn’t fall on him but he still leans on his side, looking for his never ending support.

His eyes start drooping, though and she knows he won’t be long now. Once his head falls on his dad’s tigh she knows that would probably be it but she figures they can wake him up after a short nap when the food finally comes. For some reason, Alpha was taking its time this morning.

Bellamy’s hair was longer. He was supposed to have it cut weeks ago but he never did and here they were now-it was almost shoulder lenght and so curly and messy that it had tied on the back which made it uncomfortable for him while she tried to deal with it until she just gave up and cut a big knot off.

“You won’t leave me bald-headed, right, princess?” he jokes as she runs her fingers at the back of his skull.

“I know when to stop, I promise.” he humms at that.

“So to your liking then? Let’s hope Factory people don’t kick me off just for looking like an Alpha prince.” it’s true that most Factory people even the men wore their hair long and even in braids though it was that or leaving it extremely short so it doesn’t bother them if they worked on a particular level where the machines could leave grease stains everywhere whilist Alpha men had...many different hairstyles.

There was even a saloon in section G which was one of Clarke’s most hated places as a child and one of the reasons why she started cutting her hair herself.

“I doubt that would be the case but hey, I’ll always be here to take you in.” she says it jokingly but she also means it as impossible as it was.

Having him and Gus here for a night or two was okay but if they started spending more time she knew the guards would pay them a visit-people from other stations weren’t allowed to stay in Alpha for more than a week unless they were married or related and even in the case of the latter, they couldn’t remain there for more than two months.

If her neighbours started seeing Bellamy around she knew the types of roumors that would start spreading-that he’s a prostitute hired by her or a worker that she paid for to do not just stuff around the house but to have sex with her which were basically the same thing but also not a rarity around the stations.

Prostitution was a real thing in Farm, Factory and Arrow and often times people who were driven to desperation sold their bodies for ration points to Alpha and Gosci Residents, even to political or council figures who turned on a blind eye on the problem.

Clarke had sensed the way the guard looked at her and Bellamy while checking their documents last night-she knew that was what he was thinking about and she knew Bellamy realized it too, but he put Gus above all else and didn’t care if someone painted him as a sex worker.

He keeps his head bowed, hand running through Gus’ freshly cut hair as the kid, now with eyes completely closed, drooled over his leg. 

“I keep trying so hard.” he mumbles after a moment as she keeps silently working on his hair, moving to the left now “For him. I keep working and taking long hours but...there are stuff I can’t do with him anymore.” she notices a tear roll down his cheek and fall on Gus forehead, making the kid stir for just a moment before he keeps sleeping. “Things used to be so limited for him, for us and now they’re even more fucked up.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes it is.” he insists stubbornly sad “I can’t stay up too long to cut his hair because I’ve pushed for eight hours at work and I don’t have the strenght. I can’t run with him to the playground. I can’t push him endlessly on the swings. One day...when I get worse, I won’t be able to hold him either. Carry him.”

“First of all-” she moves to the front and picks up his cheek as she works on his bangs “You’re not getting worse.” he tries to pull away from her but she keeps her grip on his chin tight and forces him to look into her eyes “I won’t allow it.”

“Clarke, don’t-”

“Second of all-” she interrupts him “this boy doesn’t need anything else but you being there supporting him. That is enough for him in case that wasn’t clear for you until now and if there’s a time that you need help with him, that he wants to run or learn how to swim or anything else in the world, then I and your mom are perfectly capable of doing so, okay?”

He avoids her eyes at her speech.

“And third of all, I don’t know about you, but I plan on helping you get better and even though you’re stubbornly going to oppose me at every corner, I won’t stop because you not being in pain all the time is what will help make that kid better too and I love him as much as you do, so it’d be great if you actually let me lend a hand-”

“Clarke-”

“But if you don’t, I’ll still fight you.”

He sighs and leans forward, resting his forehead against her stomach. She drops the scissors to the side and keeps her other hand buried in the back of his hair, tugging it gently, supportively. 

“You really want to kick my butt right now, don’t you?” he asks softly, his words making her entire being reverbarate.

“Oh I want to do more than that.” she feels him smile against her and then she watches as he rests his cheek on the side of her stomach and looks up at her-it was sweet in the sense that Gus was sleeping on his tigh and he was leaning on her stomach and it felt as if they were, in this mere small moment, one whole.

Clarke liked those short-lived moments the best-like last night when their foreheads were touching with sick Gus between them, his hand on her waist, their breaths coming together creating a small atmosphere of just this-them, existing in her bed, in her warm light room in Alpha-cosy and sweet-together.

Chapter 19

Notes:

A/N: This is a quite...interesting and a little bit more dynamic chapter. In fact it's just the continuation of the previous two, so I mostly wrote them as one big chapter but split them, so you could read them easily.

What's important to note here is a TRIGGER WARNING FOR MENTIONS OF DEPRESSION and SUICIDAL IDEATION!!!!

As always comments and kudos are much appreciated.

You can find me and yell at me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

This was a moment like that too-them leaning on one another, creating a small chain of love where he held Gus up because he was sick and she held him because he was ruined as she stood tall and strong and proud to have them there.

Just then the doorbell rings and the delivery boy announces their presence.

Bellamy lets his attention go back to Gus, stroking his head and the side of his face feeling the kid absolutely relaxed under him, melting even more and more because of the warmth of the room.

It’s only when he hears Clarke shuffling with the bags that he looks up and finds her putting three big food packages on the table and opening them up to take some stuff out.

“What’s all that?” she puts out an orange and a lemon as well as two bottles of formula and a small bowl of steaming soup out.

“You’ll take the other two bags home tonight.” she explains and he opens his mouth to protest “There’s oranges, bananas and lemons. He needs vitamins to beat this, Bellamy, he needs to strengthen his immune system and you and I both know that I’m right.”

Bellamy’s head twists to the left away from her.

“He hasn’t even tried those stuff yet.” 

“Now he will.” she insists, refusing to bother with his stubborness or his protest as much as she sees he wants to “There’s two more bottles here as well as some tea and coffee, obviously the coffee is for you.” he dares to meet her eyes and raises an eyebrow “I know you won’t sleep until he’s fully recovered and that will be days, so-”

“Clarke, you didn’t need to do all this. I can...I can provide for him.”

“I know that and I’m in no way trying to undermine your efforts but we both know well enough there is no fruit in the Factory station mess hall, except maybe an apple here and there and he needs more than that.” she drops the bags and picks up one of the bottles as she comes crouching before him and Gus.

“All this time you have been right to call me princess.” his head snaps at that and he gives her a confused look “Because I am. I’m privilleged. I hate it but it’s true. Because of the way we live, because of our system, I can afford to make a call and have oranges delivered while your son has never tasted them. I can go to medbay whenever I want even if i have a mild cough or fever. I can walk to the pool and take a swim at midnight.” she notices the way he bites his lips and feels the anger that she shares with him right now.

“And I hate it, Bellamy. I truly do. Not because of pity, not because of feeling sorry for you or him. I just hate that this is IT. Our lives. That it’s so fucked up that I have no antibiotics for patients I treat in factory or enough bandages or even cots.” his hands relax at that...he hums in agreement.

“In the past few months I felt that anger that you feel all the time but I know it’s just a glimpse of everything you and Gus have to go through every day. I realize that I still know...nothing. That I’m still a princess.” that cracks a smile out of him and he tilts his head. “But I can use that status to help you and my patients. I think that I can...turn it around and use it for good.” 

He sighs at that and leans back on the chair tiredly.

“Still...I need to pay for at least some of it.”

“No, you don’t.”

“Clarke-”

“Bellamy, you fixed the medical center.” she cut him off and he remains mouth agape for a minute “You changed the pipes, brought new cots, fixed the leak in the ceiling, you brought me lunch from your own rations.”

“It was just algae.”

“And apples. And tea.” he huffs and waves his hand. It was nothing, he wanted to say. For him whatever action he did, big or small, was always insignificant. “This is me paying back for it all, okay?”

“I’m not too comfortable with it.”

“Well that’s too bad because you’ll have to be.” she insists leaning her hands on the table and giving him a look that meant he couldn’t argue with her “You’re taking those two bags home tonight and I want you to eat some of that fruit too. You need to strengthen yourself.” he opens his mouth to argue but she raises her hand at him.

“Let me guess-this will be an  “I’m fine, Clarke.”. Don’t waste your breath.” she changes her voice trying to sound like him and he makes a face between wanting to laugh and groan at the same time but ends up mid-huffing which only urges her to keep going.

She loved seeing the smile on his face.

“I’m so big and strong, I can carry my son with my fucked up back and work fifty hours a week. Look at me, Clarke, I can totally do it.”

“Okay, okay, I got the message.” he raises his hands up in the air in mock defence “I’ll take them. Thank you.”

“Welcome!” she sing songs happily as he reaches out to take her cold fingers in his big hand and squeeze them.

The way his eyes got big when his heart threatened to pour out always made her stop for a second and linger, dive into his ocean of brown warmness, into the star sky on his face. God, she swore she could stare at him forever sometimes and never get sick of it.

When she was a little girl and lived with her parents there was the same big window looking at the earth and she used to marvel at it.

Sometimes her dad would put her to bed, read her stories but his poor tired self who was just more or less nothing but a mechanic back then, not yet rosen to the ranks, fell asleep before he even went through two or three pages but she still loved him being there, keeping her warm like Bellamy did with Gus now.

Yet some nights she wasn’t as tired and she’d rise on her knees and glue her little face and hands to the window, stare at the earth and marvel at it for hours.

Often she’d blow air into the glass and draw the planet with her finger, spending minutes, if not an hour completely indulged in her art and as she grew older she would tuck a notebook under the pillow and draw while her dad snored behind her.

She spent too much time staring at the planet and not as much on the stars but now she realizes why that was-she never needed to look too closely before, she never had the urge to, until she met Bellamy, until she cupped his beautiful face in her hands and saw the most beautiful of skies.

She caught herself staring at the sky around them last night when both he and Gus were asleep and at first she couldn’t realize why she didn’t have the will to move up and look at the earth, why it was the sky pulling, calling to her.

Until now.

But it was a different type of sky calling to her.

She’s not sure why he holds her hand for such a long time, why he lets himself drown in her eyes but they stay like this for a long while until Clarke clears her throat nervously and smiles embarrassed.

“Let’s get you guys to bed.” she picks Gus up carefully in her arms trying to not stir him “Get over there and take off your pants.”

“Excuse me?”

“I told you, I want to take care of your leg and I will.” he opens his mouth to protest but she surprises herself by pushing her index finger to his lips and silencing him, making a shiver run down her spine simultaniously “Don’t. Just once, don’t fight me.” his face falls and she can see he feels bad for being such a pain and causing her so much trouble. 

“And I need to take off my pants why?”

“Cause you are going to be nice to me enough not to make my work any harder.” she announces crossing her arms over her chest and giving him a look “I need to wrap that knee and I can tell it’s swollen without actually looking at it.”

“Wow, you must have an x-ray vision then.” he jokes smirking fondly at her and she actually reaches over and slaps his arm. “Ouch!”

“You’ll be okay, baby boy.” she pats his cheek and leans over to take Gus from his lap and carefully carry him to bed. “Come on.” she expects him to follow but when she doesn’t hear him move behind her as she puts Gus down she looks back and finds him trying to raise himself up from the chair. 

She takes care of Gus first before turning around, carefully placing him in the middle of the bed and tucking him in. He’s so sweet in his sleep, turning to the right, raising his hand in the air and coughing just barely before he adjusts his head on the pillow, opens his mouth and shoves his little thumb in it, sucking on it like a baby.

Rainbow is still tucked under his other arm and he looks so peaceful like this that it makes her heart clench.

Nothing like his dad, though, as she finds out once she turns around and finds him trying to stand up by gripping the side of the table but falling back on his ass almost immideately. 

She rushes to him, grabs his elbow and effectively slides under his arm, helping him move up.

His free hand shoots for his leg and he groans. Damn him, he was so unstable it was maddening.

“Easy, just easy, okay?” she shooshes him but he detects the anger in her voice and decides to be smarter than to fight her on it.

So often lately he feels pathetic to an extreme he’s never had before, not even at his lowest most poorest moments with Gus trembling in his arms in the bathroom floor. Now he has this darkness that’s settled over him.

Similar to the one that was hovering over him after Gina’s death but also different, more desperate, stronger, pulling him with such determination and tenacity that he woke up at night sometimes and found himself wondering not where he is but why he is-was this his body?

Who was he, what was he doing here? And then it settles in his mind when he feels Gus stir besides him and he remembers-that he’s a father, a son, a husband, no scratch that, a widower-nouns that belong to him, words that described him, added to him that piled up more with every passing year-the latest being cripple and janitor, yet at the bottom of it all stood proud, red flashing like the sign on the movie theatres in the films, the biggest and loudest of words-Failure. 

He lets Clarke drag him to the bed and all he wishes for is to lay down and just curl up around his son, spoon his baby boy and find meaning in his bad lungs pulling breath in and out, but she keeps him up and his vision is spotty there for a moment too long, the exertion of it all leaving him shaking so he’s entirely in her hands and he lets her do as she absolutely wants.

“Lean back, okay, carefully, alright.” she adjusts a pillow behind him and when he settles he keeps his eyes closed and tries to control his breathing until he feels her hands on his sweat pants and he shoots her a look. 

“Clarke-”

“I need to see your knee and I can’t do that with you dressed up.” she cuts him off as she starts pulling them down and he immideately tries to rise up and stop her, reaching for her hands which she swats effectively “Bellamy, you do remember that I’m a doctor? I’ve seen you more or less naked by now. Stop trying to make this more awkward than it needs to be.”

“There’s no need to-”

“I think you almost toppling to my floor says otherwise, so now would be the time to shut up and let me do my job.” he twists his face in pain and gives her his big puppy eyes which he always knew softened her.

Not now, though.

Now she was on a mission.

“This won’t work.” she keeps pulling his sweatpants down “Now move your ass up so I can take this off, okay?” he sighs but knows that the battle is lost so he obliges her as much as it makes his face burn. He’s down to his boxer shorts which thankfully cover more than half of his tigh and she pats his leg with a smile “See, I don’t bite.”

“Oh, I’m not sure about that one, yet.” he utters under his nose and she laughs at his grumpiness, almost wishing she could reach over and ruffle his hair just to annoy him more. Instead, to restrict herself she goes and picks up her med bag and drags it over. 

He relaxes on the pillow but keeps his eyes trained on her and tenses. She knows why-at first he’ll feel pain when she touches him, it’ll hurt more than it does now and he’ll have to take it and pretend that he’s okay.

She picks up the ointment and starts from his swollen knee.

“I’ll go slowly, okay?” she promises and he gives her a curt nod with his teeth clenced and fists already gripping the sheets. 

Her fingers dig into the swollen flesh and he can’t help but hiss and tense, raise himself up from the pillow. It takes her everything not to stop but she knows that she has to keep going if he wants to get even the tiniest bit of relief. 

It’s bad. Worse than that other night at his place, which meant that he overworked himself and what scared her the most was the fact that he’s spent the last 12 hours not working but it was still so damn awful. 

She tries to sooth him with words but after a minute or two it becomes clear to her that he’s not hearing anything of what she’s saying. His eyes are squezed shut and he’s gripping the sheets so hard she thinks he may rip something apart, his ears are probably ringing and he’s struggling to breathe properly-air coming in and out in harsh rasp breaths. 

Clarke tries to move her hands swiftly, applies as much ointment as she can and wants to be gentle, though she has to put some pressure into her actions if she wants to actually do some good. 

“Tell me if you want me to stop.” she says when she works on the swelling around his kneecap.

“I want you to stop.” he murmers through teeth and she is about to pull her hands away when he adds “But you shouldn’t.” it’s the briefest of moments when he opens his eyes and gives her a glimpse to his painful ocean of brown, suggesting that she had to keep going, she had to push through as much as she was seeing that he was causing him pain, so he could push through as well.

Clarke nods and rubs her thumb over his kneecap in a soothing manner before she keeps going. It’s a struggle to ease some of the tension in his leg before he finally relaxes a little and rests back on the pillow.

Her hands move expertly up and down, lower to his ankle which has swollen too because of all the pressure his leg is in and then up to his tigh.

She’d be lying if she wasn’t blushing-though this was a procedure like every other she’d be doing on a regular patient it felt...different. His skin was warm, his leg shook from the pressure under her fingers and he was...so damn beautiful even in his pain that she wasn’t sure what to do with herself but hide behind her hair, letting it fall on both sides of her face. 

“Better?” she asks after a moment and he nods though his eyes are still closed.

“Much...thank you.”

“I’m not done yet.” that makes him smile and crack his eye opened. “I’ll make a bandage, then check those blisters on your feet.”

“That’s nothing, just work stuff.” she picks up the bandage and ignores his stupid excuse as she carefully wraps his knee in a tight hold before moving to his feet which are red swollen and full of small blisters some of which, the older ones, look infected, oozing yellow or bleeding from him having walking.

It’s pretty bad, quite frankly she’s not sure how he’s walking not just with the knee and his back in constant pain but his feet covered in blisters too. She has to pick up the peroxide and dooze the gauzes in it before she starts cleaning them up.

He hisses.

“Shit, princess.” he huffs and his leg jerks away “Some warning would be nice.”

“I’m sorry, these are bad. I have to clean them up before they actually get your entire foot infected.” she comes off a little too harsh and he senses it because he tries to keep still. “You really need new boots, Bellamy.”

“I’ll try to get some.” his responce surprises her, he doesn’t fight her on it instead he agrees. 

“You’re just saying this to get me to shut up, aren’t you?” just as he tilts his head and pretends to have absolutely no idea what she’s talking about the front door rings and she is so stratled she drops the bandages she’s about to wrap his foot with.

Bellamy sits up straighter alert.

“Who’s that?”

“I don’t know.” she shakes her head “Probably my mom, checking up on me and coming over for another you need to leave Factory speech. I don’t have to open.”

“Are you sure?” he says eyebrows furrowed and she nods. The person keeps ringing though, somewhat insistently and the next thing she knows, Wells' familiar voice blasts over the intercom. 

“Clarke, open up, it’s Wells.” he says and she freezes “I know you’re in there, I’ve already asked my guards at the check points. They said you came home last night.” she swallows hard and looks up at Bellamy who’s eyes roam to Gus’ sleeping figure on the bed.

“Clarke-”

“It’s okay. He probably just wants to talk.”

“Clarke, open up, it’s important.” Well’s voice echoes again and she swolly raises herself up, throwing the bandage roll back to her med bag mindlessly. It’s been a while since she spoke to Wells, the last time being when the guards and Morgan raided Bellamy’s place.

Since then she’s been avoiding him, the only person from Alpha she actually spoke to was her dad. 

“Put your pants back on.” Clarke motions to him before going to the wardrobe and grabbing one of her dad’s old plaid shirts that he’s brought over for her to give to Bellamy and tosses it over.

Wells couldn’t see him naked in her bed, God knows what kind of conclusions he’ll make when he sees him here anyway. 

“Clarke!”

“I’m coming!” she yells back loud enough and heads to the door when she hears the sheets shuffle and Bellamy try to raise himself on his feet. “Don’t you dare get up!” she scolds and she must be scary enough that he doesn’t try again.

Finding Wells on the other side of the door shouldn’t have been surprising considering he already announced himself but still...she’s taken aback by him dressed in his guards uniform and looking extremely...tired. 

“Hey.” she tries gently, threading the ground carefully. She wasn’t sure what to think of Wells anymore, not after the whole Bellamy incident and him finding her out there with a fake ID.

“Hi, Clarke.” his voice comes out cold, angry. She gueses that answers some of her questions. The animosity was evident on his face. “We have to talk.”

“Now’s not really a good time.” he steps forward, though, clearly insistant and she doesn’t know why she feels fear craw up her spine. Was she actually afraid of her best friend?

Was he really still her best friend?

“Well you’ll have to make it a good time.” he picks up two letters from the front of his black bulletproof vest and she sees her name written on it, recognizes the yellow envelope as the one she’s been getting for weeks now-her request at attending a meeting with the chancellor and talking about Factory’s problems, always coming back like this with the red letter words DENIED stamped out on it.

Clarke crosses her arms over her chest and stares at him for a moment but when he doesn’t falter, she simply sighs, moves away and lets him in the small hallway.

Before she can warn him he enters the small living room and when his eyes roam around and fall on Bellamy’s half slumped figure on her bed Clarke catches up fast enough to see the surprise on his face that quickly changes into anger and hardens his features even more.

“What the hell’s he doing here?” Wells snaps at her and she quickly finds her way between Bellamy and him, desperate to protect him and Gus even though she didn’t think Wells could actually do something to hurt them.

“His son is sick, they came over last night because Factory’s freezing cold.” she snaps at him and Wells face falters a little. “I’m guessing your guard skipped mentioning this detail.”

“Clarke, is everything alright?” Bellamy shuffles behind her and before she can stop him she turns around to find him standing up, reaching to the bedboard and gripping it hard. He has moved the curtain around the bed, pulling it so Gus is not exposed to Wells or the conversation but she could see that even that small exertion made his face significantly paler. 

If he didn’t sit back down he’d throw all her efforts to goddamn hell.

“You shouldn’t be here.” Wells blurts instead staring right through her and glaring at Bellamy “Factory residents aren’t allowed to sleep over unless-”

“They have family in the station. Well guess what, I’m his family.”

“Not by any laws.” Wells looks back to her “Unless you married without anyone’s knowledge which wouldn’t surprise me.” Clarke blushes significantly at that and it makes Wells smirk a little too happily “I could arrest you.” he turns his attention back to Bellamy who moves up and manages to limp to Clarke’s side. 

“Then do it.” Bellamy says absolutely calmly as he stands straight next to her. “I’m not afraid of you.”

They stare at each other for a long moment before Clarke breaks the tension.

“Wells.” Clarke says with warning trying to get his attention back to her but his eyes are still staring right ahead at Bellamy who’s a stormy very grumpy cloud of his own.

She has absolutely no idea how he’s standing on his feet right now, especially without a brace but her massage must’ve done something to help him stand so proud and tall and she can’t help but feel the slightest bit of relief at that. 

“You and I both know that if you arrest him you have to do the same to every councilment or woman in Alpha that use prostitutes on daily basis.”

“Are you saying he is yours then?” Wells dares her boldly and Bellamy steps forward angrily raising his fist in the air making Wells smirking gladly because he lost his nerve first. “That doesn’t surprise me-” he continues and Clarke grabs his wrist and pulls it away, trying to tug him behind her “Considering the family history.”

“Shut up!” Bellamy raises his voice for a moment and she has to squeeze his fingers to remind him that Gus was in the room and the fact that he hasn’t woken up is a miracle so far so they definitely shouldn’t push it. 

She raises an eyebrow at Wells’ remark but she’s smarter to ask him about it now so instead she steps forward and again puts herself between him and Bellamy.

“If you came here to insult me and my best friend then you should probably leave.”

“Best friend?” Wells face twists in hurt. He used to be her best friend but ever since he joined the guards she’s not sure she actually knows the kind of person that he is “So this is how it is now? You trust him more than you trust me? The person you grew up with?”

“This has nothing to do with it.” she tries as she rubs her forehead tiredly and tries to stay on track “Why are you here, Wells?” she implores though he keeps staring at Bellamy like he wants to kill him “If this is about my request to speak with the chancellor, I can see that has been denied.Again.”

“Forget about that.” Wells cuts her off throwing the yellow envelope on the table leaving the only other one in his hand which is bright red making Clarke swallow hard. “You’re in serious trouble.”

“What? Why?” Bellamy asks stepping forward again, desperate to shield her from her friend.

“Someone swiped antibiotics with cough syrup in the Alpha medbay.” Clarke’s entire body tenses and she feels her kneels buckle a little “We found out when my fiance got sick and for some reason the medicine wasn’t working.” 

Shit.

This is the worst thing that could happen. She recalls swiping it when Bellamy was stuck sick in Factory and she was supposed to give some antibiotics to that old man Gerard. The first dozage wasn’t enough for Bellamy, it wouldn’t stop his cough so the next day during her shift she switched two more tiny vials in hopes of helping him get better.

He had.

And then there was this sick baby girl and her mom while she was helpign deliver packages in Arrow. 

She wouldn’t have made it if she hadn’t taken two more. She...she would’ve died, her cough was so bad, she was unconscious and drowning in fever. She was just a baby girl in her mom’s arms, begging for a chance to live.

But now that chance was getting back at Clarke.

“Your mom figured it out and an inventory was conducted. Turns out you were on shift the day someone last took from that stock.”

“That’s impossible. She’s been working in Factory for weeks.” Bellamy cuts him off eyebrows furrowing “You can’t tell me someone screwed up and you’re only finding out about it now.”

“The flu season only started now.” Wells speaks but stares directly into Clarke “We didn’t need them before that.” he tilts his head to the side “So? Did you do it?” 

Before she opens her mouth to speak Bellamy raises his hand and moves further between them.

“Don’t tell him anything.” he warns her and Wells’ eyes go wide with anger at him intervening “He doesn’t have the right to interrogate you in your home.” Bellamy hovers over Wells like an angry grumpy cloud and under other circumstances she would be grateful but right now she can’t really find her voice “And he knows that but he’s trying to trick you.”

“I’m not trying to do anything. I want to help.”

“How? By pushing her to admit to something that isn’t even true?” Bellamy steps closer and now they’re chest to chest, getting ready to jump each other.

Clarke’s hand grips around Bellamy’s bicep.

“Enough, both of you.” she hisses trying to keep her voice down “I didn’t do anything and even if I did, Bellamy’s right-you can’t just come into my home and accuse me like this.”

Wells gives her another serious look.

“Clarke I think you and I should talk-” he glances at Bellamy “Privately.”

It’s her turn to step forward.

“I don’t think so.”

“You don’t realize how serious this is.” he argues again, anger evident on his face “They’ve called you in for a hearing with the chancellor and a few of the councilmen first thing on Monday.” her face pales significantly at that but she tries to keep her face neutral.

“Is this a trial?” Bellamy implores, begging for the information she currently can’t ask for being as dumbfounded as she was. “Are you going to arrest her?”

“It’s an interrogation.” Bellamy knew all about those “They’ll ask questions and then determine her punishment.”

“I could be floated.”

“I won’t let that happen!” Wells insists and upon seeing the fear finally dawn on her face he reaches for her hand and squeezes her wrist supportively “I promise.”

“You can’t promise anything. You’re not in charge of this.” Clarke cuts him off but lets him hold her hand-he was, after all, her best friend and she finally saw the crack of his armours and a glimpse of him in this moment. 

Bellamy glances between the two of them and for the first time ever in Clarke’s presence he feels like he doesn’t belong. He feels the difference between them like a punch to the face and abscentmindedly he takes a step back but keeps closer. 

“I’ll talk to my dad. Your father and mother already invited Kane for dinner tomorrow night and you should go-” Clarke swallows hard-if her parents were worried, things were getting serious “Try to soften the blow, okay?”

“Is there anything she can do to prepare herself for this?” Bellamy asks feeling absolutely useless.

All this time, everything Clarke’s done was help him, protect him-he knew, suspected that she might be stealing medicine when she gave him antibiotics when he was sick but he never...he never thought she’d suffer the consequences.

How could he be so stupid? Everything on the Ark had a price. She wasn’t invinsible just because she was from Alpha-on the contrary with the way things were now, they’d likely want to use someone as scapegoat to quiet the protesting vibes coming from Factory, Farm and Arrow and show that if someone commited a crime, they’d suffer no matter who they were.

“You could ask for a witness or more like-someone to speak for your character.” Wells explained eyes still pinned on her, his hand still in hers.

Bellamy’s heart felt like it was burning itself on fire.

“I’d suggest that be your colleague Jackson.”

“I can speak for her too.” at that Clarke’s head finally snaps to him and he sees the warmth and gratitude in her eyes.

“I doubt that’ll make any difference.” Wells’s voice grows hostile again. “She needs someone who-”

“Looks like they come from a good place.” Bellamy finishes for him and furrows his eyebrows “Someone from Alpha.”

“Bellamy, don’t, please.” Clarke finally lets Wells go and puts her hand on his bicep “It’s not about that.”

“I can talk about how much she’s done for Factory, how many people she’s helped and-”

“That won’t matter.” Wells cuts him off again “All they’d want to determine is if she stole medicine or not, the rest is-”

“What? Irrelevant? All the lives she’s saved don’t matter?” Bellamy pushes again getting head to head with Wells again, God he wanted to punch that guy so badly. “Shouldn’t the chancellor be grateful for all the people she and Jackson helped after the explosion? Or is he too chicken shit to admit that Factory life don’t mean as much as Alpha ones?” that shuts Wells for a second there and he loses his composture-Bellamy realized he struck a nerve, one that maybe he shouldn’t have.

“As I said-it’s pointless. My father won’t consider this when they determine her punishment, in fact, it’ll probably make things worse.” he adds quietly now.

“I can still-”

“Bellamy, it’s fine.” Clarke squeezes his arm again before turning to her friend “Wells is probably right-they’d want witnesses and Jackson is one and you’ve already had enough trouble as it is with the guards, I don’t want to put you or Gus in unnecessary risk.” his face falls at that “I’ll talk to mom and dad tonight, try to firugre things out.” Wells nods at that and reaches out to touch her shoulder squeezing it supportively.

“I’ll be here for you too. Always am.”

“Thank you.” she says it genuinely, maybe that’s why it hurts so damn much, maybe that’s why all he wants to do is grab Gus and go back home. 

Then he shakes his head and scolds himself mentally-Clarke didn’t give up on him when he was pushing her away or when things were hard-she found ways around it and that was one of the reasons why she was in this situation in the first place. 

He won’t leave it like this-he’ll find a way to help even if he wouldn’t testify.

In fact he already had a plan formulating in his head.

Wells bids them goodbye but not before hugging Clarke tightly and whispering something unintelligable in her ear. Bellamy tries not to feel betrayed by the soft smile she gives him and the nod in thanks but still, still he had to admit that she was tenser around him and the moment she send him off and came back to her room, something about the way her shoulders sagged screamed relief.

She closes the door and leans on it just breathing for a moment, trying to catch up with everything that just happened. 

It takes him tremendous amount of strength not to yell when he moves his bad leg-he could do this-before it was all about silencing his pain in front of Gus but now he had to be strong for her too. 

“Clarke-” he opens his arms for her when he makes it there a bit too slow for his liking and she practically throws herself in his embrace almost knocking him over. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s alright, I’m here.” he whispers as he strokes her head and the moment he feels her tears on his shirt, he squeezes his eyes as well and puts his chin over her head, demanding his heart to quiet down as he holds her tigheter than ever. 

“Bellamy...if they...if they float me-”

“They’re not floating you!” he cuts her off pulling back a little so that he can see her face. “To do that they’ll have to go through me.”

She smiles sadly and tilts her head, tears still steaming down her face. He cups her face and rubs them clean with his calloused thumbs hating that even when he’s being gently with her, he’s still hurting her with his cut fingers and blistered palms. Goddammit, he couldn’t do anything right.

She chuckles a little and lets him pull her head back to his chest, rocking them up and down slowly.

“Did you really do it?” he finally asks and she stills in his arms. For a long moment she doesn’t say anything and then he feels her fist the shirt she gave him in her hand and mumble quietly.

“Yes.”

“For me?”

“Bellamy-” she pulls a little and shakes her head.

“Please, answer me, Clarke I need to know.” he begs, trying to keep his voice from shaking “Did you do it for me? When I was sick in the Field hospital?” she swallows hard and finally nods, avoiding his look.

He steps back, turns around and covers his face with his hands.

“Goddammit.” he curses.

“It wasn’t just for you.” she puts her hand on his shoulder and pushes him to turn around but he just bows his head down and squeezes his eyes shit. This wasn’t happening-she wasn’t going to get punished and maybe even floated because of him. 

“You shouldn’t have done it.” he says maybe a little more coldly than he intended to. “You really shouldn’t have done it, Clarke.”

“You were dying.” she tries to reason with him circling around and standing in his way, begging him to look at her by picking his chin up “What was I supposed to do?”

“Let me!” he pulls away from her grip and she sees the angry light in his eyes for the first time.

“And leave Gus without a dad?” she bites back and he huffs looking away “You know I couldn’t do that...I couldn’t, Bellamy.”

Why? He wants to ask. Why, why, why? This can’t be just about Gus...there had to be more to it, right?

Or maybe she was in this situation because of her good heart, because of her love for his son who she didn’t want to see an orphan.

“You risked your life for me.”

“Not just for you.” she reiterates again as she moves around and heads to the table, picking up the red envelope and tearing it open, though he doubts she’ll be able to focus on anything written there right now-she was just avoiding looking him in the eyes.

“How many times did you do this, Clarke?” she leans on the table, back to him, bowing her head down and sighing quietly.

“It started with you but then there were a few more people I stole for...this elderly couple in Factory and a little girl from Arrow who was half gone when I met her and her mom.”

“Jesus, Clarke, what were you thinking?”

“I was thinking I didn’t have a choice, Bellamy.”

“Damn right you did! You of all people are telling me you didn’t have choices?” he snaps too, giving her an ugly messy sarcastic chuckle “Please, Clarke.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’ve been having choices handed to you on a silver platter your entire life!” he bites back angry now, God why were they arguing about class difference when she was on a fucking death row, why?

He scolded himself mentally for being such an idiot.

“Just look around you-you have a place of your own thriple the size of my appartment, constant electricity , warm water, food at the ring of a goddamn bell, of course you had choices, Clarke!”

“So this is what it comes down to, huh? My status?”

“Of course it is about that-admit it.”

“Admit what?” she throws her hands in the air not bothering with her voice anymore, hoping that the medicine she gave Gus would be enough to keep him asleep while they talked “Have you considered that this is what I do? That I’m a doctor and I fight until there’s no other option, until I’ve exhausted every possibility to keep someone alive?”

He deflates at that and she sees his arm shake as he leans on the metal cupboard by the door for support-he shouldn’t be sitting upright, not now, not after everything he’s been through. 

“I’m not diminishing what you’ve done and I understand that you took an oath, frankly, Clarke, I would’ve never made it so far if it wasn’t for you.” he leans on the wall and breaths heavily, his cheek get red, his eyes spark anger. 

“But you have to admit that this was partly suicidal.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You liked the thrill.” he explains calmer now “I saw it in you when you came to my place after the bombing-you liked dressing up as a Farm station girl and sneaking around right under the guard’s noses, you liked giving packages away to poor people, you liked healing someone in a dark corner of Factory just because it was forbidden, you liked using fake IDs and getting away with it. I saw it when you crossed the borders, that glint in your eyes-the will they-won’t-they catch me stronger than you.”

“That’s not fair.” she hates the weakness in her own voice.

“Isn’t it?” this shuts her for a minute “Tell me that I’m wrong, tell me right now.”

“Stealing medicine wasn’t about that.” Clarke tries to justify herself desperately and she means it-she means it. This wasn’t about that even if he was right, even if just a fraction of what he was saying was true, this was about him-she couldn’t bear him being gone.

And if she had to be completely honest with herself-it wasn’t just about the boy sleeping in her queen sized bed right now, it was selfishly, about her too.

“Maybe...maybe it wasn’t on the surface or maybe it was, I don’t know but it got you where you are now and now your life is in danger.”

“I’ll be fine.” she huffs at him “Stop being so dramatic.”

“You still don’t realize how serious that is, do you?” he moves up to his feet again trying to appear like he can actually stand on his feet without any support but his hand gripping the edge of the cupboard betrays him.

“After everything you’ve seen in the past few months, how can you stand there and think that the Ark will make an exception for you?” she looks away again. Everything he was saying made sense and she hated it, hated him being right.

“Or did you have this suicide wish this entire time? Am I wrong and is this not a thrill but a mission to get yourself killed?”

“I don’t want to die!” she bursts opposing him “And if you’re going to throw the depression card at someone, you should seriously look yourself in the mirror first.”

“It is because I’ve been depressed that I know how it looks like, I know how reckless and stupid it can make you.”

“Need I remind you, you were the one who threw himself over me when a fucking bomb went off? Are you seriously going to talk to me about suicide tendencies when you did this, Bellamy?”

“I did it to save you!”

“So did I when I stole the medicine!” they’re at each other’s faces now, Clarke doesn’t even realize when she moved, when they started walking towards each other but they were so close and her finger was jabbing his chest, right near his goddamn fucked up ruined heart that she could feel waas beating so fast she wondered how he hasn’t passed out by now. 

And then a voice interrupts them.

“Dada?” their heads snap to the bed only to find Gus sitting up, blanket tangled all over him, covering his head and showders as he coughed a little and look at them with sleepy eyes.

Bellamy’s entire behavior changes in the span of seconds, he leaves her side and limps to the bed, picking the kid up in his arms.

“Hey, little man, I’m so sorry for waking you up.”

“Dada, why you yelling? Is everytwing olrait?”

“Everything’s fine, Gus, I’m sorry, we were just talking.” Clarke joins in, sitting on the other side and reaching to stroke his back. He’s already resting his tired body on his dad’s chest, shoving his fist in his mouth and looking around in deep worry and confusion.

“Awe you okay? You cried, doctor Clarke?” he reaches for her face and Clarke’s heart clenches when his little hand ends up on her cheek.

“It’s okay, I was just thinking about something and it made me sad.” Bellamy was stoically quiet this entire time watching their exchange and Gus carefully wiped away at her face before looking at his dad.

“When I’m sad, dada gives me a kiss on the forehead.” he tells her and Bellamy’s cheeks blush again.

“That’s okay, Gus.” Clarke tries but he shakes his head and pokes his dad’s chin with his little index finger. 

“Dada, help her.” and maybe it is the silent plea that he makes that crashes Bellamy’s world once again and turns it upside down-what did he do? Why was he so rude to her when she needed him the most? Why didn’t he offer support but instead turned this into a fight? 

He ruffles Gus’ hair and smiles softly, tears filling his own eyes.

“Okay, son.” he whispers and looks at her before he starts moving forward and then his lips touch her forehead and for a moment too long he lingers there. Gus claps under them, happy with the results but when he pulls back from her his eyes bore into her blue ocean and she looks so vulnerable...so broken.

So alone.

He cups her cheek and cleans the rest of her tears away. He was that close to moving to her lips, capturing them with his, showing her just how much she meant to him, how much he-

No.

He shakes his head.

That chapter of his life was over. The bundle in his lap moving and blabbing quietly was a good enough reminder of it. Maybe Clarke was right-maybe he had been or still was depressed, suicidal even when he jumped to save her.

Maybe she was too and he hated himself that he never asked, truly, about her life in Alpha, about the hardships and what it felt like-maybe he was seeing all his answers in her eyes right now-the pain, the loneliness.

She’s never had anyone. Surrounded by people she navigated this world all alone.

“Feeling better?” Gus asks her and breaks the moment between them which Bellamy doesn’t mind but he also doesn’t miss the way his son throws him a knowing curious look. 

“I’m all good, sweet cheeks.” she promises cupping his face and in turn leaning down to pepper it with kisses which make Gus giggle in his dad’s arms even though it produced more than one cough too. “Being with you always takes the sad away.” she promises and he smiles brightly before rolling off of them and grabbing Rainbow tightly squeezing him under his arm and talking to him quietly.

Clarke’s eyes linger on the kid and like this she looks even more beautiful-her hair down, half covering her face, her sad eyes pinned on his son playing between the blankets, her hand supporting her upper body, the light illuminating her cheek and outlining her nose and chin.

He absentmindedly takes her face in his cold fingers and turns her to him.

“Hey-” she swallows hard “You okay?” what kind of stupid question was that? He wants to smack himself on the head. She nods but he doesn’t believe her for a second “We should probably get out of your hair-you have tons of stuff to do today.”

He doesn’t mean it, in fact the last thing he wants to do is leave her alone right now but if her conversation with Wells was anything to go by she truly had to start working on this now. 

He’s of no use to her at the moment. He can’t save her by covering her body with his this time. 

Or...can’t he?

Something blooms in his head-an idea of sorts and he tucks it away at the back of his head carefully, ready to use it later.

“Okay” she agrees and it’s like a knife to his heart when she does, confirming his thoughts that she didn’t think of him the way he did of her. How could she? He was an alpha scumbag. “But-” she grabs his wrist just as he’s about to get up and get his and Gus’ stuff ready “Just...not right away, okay?” he nods, his heart softens when her eyes fall on his son and he reads right through her-them leaving meant she had to get ready to face the world and it’s horrible reality-this? Their bubble? She desperately wanted to linger in it a little while more.

He doesn’t say anything just nods but both of them feel the awkwardness from their fight in the air-he doesn’t apologize though the words are at the tip of his tongue-she avoids his look and when he finally straps a still sickish and sluggish Gus to his chest after she had tucked in bottles of syrup, medicine and extra formula in the bag with the fruit and bread she ordered earlier, he leaves.

And much to his own surprise-his heart stays behind.

Chapter 20

Notes:

A/N: Thank you everyone who leave me comments and enjoy my fic! This chapter is a little bit cut in two again because it was too long but also cause I wanted to leave you in a bit of a suspence.

This is a gift for Kris who made me the happiest girl this week and has been always so kind and supportive of me and my writing!

As always you can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

It takes him everything to drag himself and Gus back home and by the time he does, it’s almost nearing the beginning of his shift. His mind is busy formulating his plan and Gus babbles in his arms, tugs at his shirt and then quiets down when he feels Bellamy’s bad leg is starting to betray him. 

“Dada...is doctow Clarke okay?” he asks looking up at him from his sling, coughing a little now and then fist half shoved in his mouth. 

“She’s...she’ll be okay, son.”

“She looked sad, dadaw.” he mumbles “I’ve nevew seen her that sad.”

“I know...I know but dad will help her, okay?” Bellamy promises “We owe her to help her out. Don’t worry, I have a plan.”

“You do, dada?”

“Yep.” he promises leaning on the corner and trying to rest his leg when a guard a few feet from him throws him a questioning look and grips the rifle hanging on his chest.

Bellamy pushes himself off the wall.

Damn it, soon you wouldn’t be able to breathe around here without someone pointing a gun at you.

How easy, how nice it has been in Alpha-the hallways warm and light, people walking by smiling and greeting each other, stopping by the exchange a few pleasantries, that may have sounded ordinary but still seemed genuine, guards nodding at you as you passed, guiding you if you needed help, Bellamy had even saw a few of the youngsters help some of the older ladies with their grocery bags.

He bet that the same kid looking at him now, teeth bare, rifle gripped did rounds in Alpha too, but he doubted he ever reacted like he wanted to jump a father carrying his child home there. 

“Can Gus hewp too?” he asks when they start walking again and Bellamy humms as he keeps supporting his weight on the wall. 

“You’re still sick, baby boy. Clarke would want you to get healthy first, then do everything else, okay?”

“But dada-”

“Gus.” Bellamy warned carefully using his dad voice and the kid snuggled back to his chest and sighed dramatically. 

“You never let me in on the exciting stuff.”

“That’s not true and plus this isn’t exciting, it’s not an adventure-it’s a dangerous thing.”

“Is she going to get punished like you did, dada?” Gus asks fear in his eyes “Will she be shocklashed?”

“No, nothing like that. They just want to ask her questions and figure things out, okay?” he rubs his back up and down before stopping at another corner, they were almost home but god it was taking him everything to get there.

“Is dat why this guawd was at hew home? The same one who was in ours?” Bellamy stops raises an eyebrow until recognition dawns over his face.

“Did you hear us, Gus? Were you awake the whole time?” Gus looks down and cuddles further into his arms.

“I woke up and peaked but when Gus saw him he hid under the blanket cause he was scawed.” he admits fiddling with the strap of the sling “Vewy scawed.”

So he heard them and Wells talk and then their fight but he pretended to be sleeping.

Bellamy doubted he understood much of what they were talking about as smart as his son was, he had no clue about depression or suicide.

It was enough that he heard them yell, though. He rarely allowed himself to raise his voice in front of his son no matter how scared or angry he was and once again he felt like he was completely failing as a dad, letting Gus witness him losing his nerves, especially in front of Clarke.

“I’m sorry that you heard us argue, Gus.”

“You was angwy, dada.” Gus says “Why was you so angwy?”

Bellamy stops again just after he makes the finaly turn to their place and takes in a deep breath.

“I was scared too.” Bellamy admits finally and Gus looks up at him with big brown eyes “For Clarke.”

“Because you cawe about her?” Bellamy nods and feels a blush creep up his cheeks as he forces himself to keep walking. He moves up from his place and cups his dad’s cheeks like Bellamy did sometimes when Gus was scared and woke up from a bad nightmare, yelling or crying, begging for help.

“Don’t worry, dada, doctow Clarke will be okay.”

Bellamy’s eyes fill with tears and he puts his big hands on Gus’ tiny wrists.

“I know, son.” he kisses his forehead “I know. I promise that dad will use his head next time and not raise his voice.” he nods and leans his head back on his chest. When Bellamy tries to pick up his pace again he can’t help but let his lips escape a groan from the stabbing pain in his back.

Gus turns to him again in all his beautiful boyish baby glory.

“Maybe Gus should walk, dada? Gwandma says you shouldn’t carry heavy stuff.” he then looks down at himself and back up again “Gus is heavy.”

“No, you’re not.” Bellamy promises as he forces himself to keep going “You’re perfect” he assures kissing his head again refusing to let his son ever think that he’s not looking good enough or that he’s too much-

“And you’re also still sick, so I’m not letting you down on your own.” that was one thing but also he knew how scared Gus was of the guards standing in the hallway, he wouldn’t be able to keep walking even if he wanted to because he simply froze in fear.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, they reached their door and as Bellamy fumbled with the keys and the package Clarke gave him the door flew open, almost scaring the hell out of him, just to reveal his mother’s worried face.

“Bellamy!” she exclaims relieved, pulling back and letting them in “Gus, baby boy.” her hand slides down “I was so worried! Where the hell were you? I went out of my mind!” guilt washes over Bellamy once more.

Last he saw his mom was when Gus was already sick but it wasn’t that bad, she had come by to help out, bring some rations but she had a double shift the next day and he never got to call her and tell her he’s going to the medcenter to find Clarke for help. 

“I’m sorry, mom.” he apologizes and limps to the table where he puts the package.

Gus perks up at his grandma’s reaching hands and Bellamy carefully unstraps the kid from his chest, breathing in relief when she catches him in her arms with ease and thanking whatever was out in the universe that he didn’t pass out with his son in his hands.

He had lived to push another day. But now he had to push even harder-this time for Clarke. 

“It all happened so fast.”

“We were at doctow Clarke’s pace, gwandma!” Gus exclaims as he cuddles into her arms and she peppers his face with kisses and sits down with him on the chair opposite of Bellamy who’s finally resting his tired back.

“You were in Alpha?” she looks at Bellamy again and he nods, wiping the sweat from his face.

“He got bad and I took him to the medcenter. She suggested we went to her appartment to keep an eye on him for the night.” he explains and Aurora’s eyes and hands roam over Gus’ forehead and body checking for something wrong. “He’s fine now, the fever broke. We have to keep an eye on his cough but she gave me...she gave me syrup and food. Lots of it.” he nods at the package on the table.

“Thank god for that girl.” his mom exclaims as she runs her hand through Gus’ curls. “My sweet boys, I was so worried for you.”

“We’r fine, gwandma. It was fun! Gus laik Clarke’s place, it’s so big and warm, grandma and she had a big sink for showering, dada and I played and Clarke watched us.” Aurora raises an eyebrow at that and Bellamy tries not to blush.

“Is that so?”

“Mwhmmm, it was gweat intil that guard came in.” Aurora’s head snaps at Bellamy and he carefully shakes his head trying to tell her he’ll explain but not in front of Gus-the kid already had enough of this. 

“Hey, how about we fix you something to eat so we can take the medicine and then dad will read you a story, huh?”

“Can I watch some cawtoons?” he says as another cough interrupts him and Aurora tightens her grip on him, her love and worry over him making Bellamy’s heart clench-his son wasn’t alone, even if something happened to him, his mom would always be there.

So will Clarke. He’d make sure of that now.

“If you eat everything, you can.” Bellamy bargains and Gus agrees with an eager nod. He was still tired and pretty sickish so he knew he’d fall asleep with ease once he ate and he wasn’t wrong. He feeds him and gives him medicine and five minutes after turning on the projector on the kid’s channel Gus falls in his arms.

Aurora helps him, takes him off his arms as much as Bellamy’s reluctant to let go and tucks him in bed, closer to the wall so he doesn’t fall off. There was some electricity tonight, the radiator was working and for once it wasn’t really freezing but Bellamy knew it’d be gone by ten.

Still, he had just half an hour before his shift and Aurora would have to stay with Gus for the night and Bellamy knew, he just knew he’d spent the entire time working, thinking if they’re okay, if they’re warm enough and wouldn’t wait to come back home in the morning.

“So will you tell me what’s wrong?” Aurora asks as she comes back to the table and starts cutting some of the bread Clarke spared for them as well as some of the fruit in a desperate attempt to make her son eat too.

She pushes a plate in his hands while he explains the situation and she watches him meticiously as he picks at the food. Her face grows significantly pale when he mentions they’ve called Clarke in for questioning.

“Do you think they’ll float her?” his face hardens and he shakes his head.

“Not if I have any say in it.”

“Bellamy-”

“Mom,I have an idea.” he tries putting back down his piece of bread and adjusting himself on the chair-she could tell he hurt just by the way he was sitting and she desperately wanted him not to go to work.

 “I know I can’t speak at the questioning but I think we should all go and support her on Monday, before it.”

“Us two?” she tilts her head in confusion “Of course we’ll go Bellamy, she’s always been there for us, more than anyone else, especially in the past months.”

“No, I don’t mean just you and I.” he cuts her off feverntly and she sees the glimmer in his eye, that dangerous rebelious one that got him in fights back at school “I want to get more people there, people she’s helped. I want to show the chancellor she’s made a real difference not just in Factory, but Arrow and Farm too.”

“You want to gather a crowd?” she pulls away and crosses her arms over her chest “Bellamy, that’s dangerous. Especially now. The guards will beat you up and lock you in for protesting.”

“It won’t be a protest, not like that really. It’ll be peaceful, just for support.”

“No.” she shakes her head “Bellamy-” he reaches over the table for her hand and she sighs leaving him hanging for a moment before she responds.

His fingers are calloused in hers, like her own and her heart aches-she never wanted that life for her child-the hard working long shifts exhausting life that she had. It made her feel like she failed at raising her child and yet his enthusiasm now, his good heart spilling in waves off him.

His love would kill him, she knew it when he was a boy and she knows it now-the way he so bravely, unapologetically jumped in for those he tucked into his heart, the way he was just so carelessly willing to shield them at the expense of his own life and suffering.

She saw it back then when he was a kid about Gus’ age and his dad was just floated, how he wanted to comfort her, to help her, how he asked her all the time if she was fine and then as he grew, how he found his first job at seven in the mess hall carrying trays and cleaning tables or working in the storage and she recognizes it now too-with his son and with this girl that though he won’t admit...she sees, she sees it so clearly.

It only makes her wish he saw it too and let himself feel it, live it, truly.

Because he deserved it.

“Mom, we won’t fight them, we’ll just show up, try to tell them how much she’s done, that she saved our lives.”

“You can call it whatever you want but they’ll still see it as an act of rebelling against the Ark and you know it.”

“They won’t dare kill anymore of us. They know it’ll just make everything worse and we can use this to our advantage and to hers.” he begs desperately “We can save her.”

“I get that and maybe it will work but Bellamy...you’ve already risked and gave so much.” she nods at his bad leg and he turns his head away as if ashamed “I just...”

“I know, mom.” his voice goes back to his determined notch “But I can’t let fear dictate my life. We can’t. And we shouldn’t.” he glances over at Gus “My son can’t look at me and think me a coward.”

“You sound so much like your father right now it’s scary.” Aurora mumbles sad gripping his fingers hard “He used to say the same thing, Bellamy. And then he died.”

“I won’t die.”

“You gamble with your life like it means nothing.”

“That’s not true.”

“Bellamy!”

“Mom.”

“I can’t let her die.” he cuts off “I...I just can’t.” his voice breaks here and she sees it in his eyes the way he loves so passionately, so fully, it reminds her of his and Gina’s wedding day, how nervous he had been, how excited but worried-he had that love for Clarke too now. 

She takes a deep sigh and looks down at their joined hands before she speaks up.

“What do you need from me?”

 

---

 

Bellamy makes another swipe with his mop reaching just the right spot near the corner leading to the interrogation rooms in GoSci and turns his head over his back to give Shawna, the mother who’s child Clarke saved with the medicine, a sign to get ready.

There were exactly thirty people from Factory, Arrow and Farm in the small square right now, all of them pretending to be going around doing some kind of work, casually looking like regular citizents, trying to blend in with the Alpha and GoSci crowds near them so as not to give their plans away. 

Bellamy allowed himself to smile even if for the briefest of moments-he couldn’t say that his people weren’t intelligent when they came up with this.

When his plan to help Clarke had just been barely born in his head, all he wanted was to talk to Monty and Harper, ask them to snoop around their neighborhood in case there was someone willing to stand up for Clarke.

The same went for his mom-Aurora worked with many seamstresses in the Factory that had gone sick or hurt at work and asked for his princess’ help.

He knew at least a few of them would be willing to help out-he told himself that if even five people show up and those five people were him,his mom, Monty and Harper, maybe Jackson too though he knew he’s asked for questioning as well, to speak for her character-that was enough.

He hadn’t expected what he had right now-more than fifty people had reached out to him the next day.

He came home from his shift and found notes slided under the door saying “Tell us the date and time. We’ll be there.” or “Clarke saved my life, she can’t die. Let me know what I can do.” or even “She fought for my husband when nobody else did. He still died but she tried. Nobody ever tried. Now I want to try for her.” and a dozen or so more messages on his intercom.

He knew he couldn’t bring all of them to GoSci without making it look like a strike but he felt relief spread all over his body-there were people who wanted to help.

He had been blown away, overwhelmed even and Gus had felt the enthusiasm in their tiny household despite him being still sickish and coughing. Aurora had been surprised by the outcome too that morning and when she came back from her shift she closed the door behind her and looked at Bellamy with worried eyes.

“My girls will help you.” is all she said and Bellamy smiled somehow feeling happy, Gus had been in his lap and high fived him.

Though he couldn’t understand everything that was happening, he knew that his dad was trying to help doctor Clarke who was being wrongfully blamed for something she didn’t do and he was enthusiastic. 

But Aurora, Bellamy knew, Aurora worried, she wasn’t at all happy about what he was doing as much as she was supporting him.

He couldn’t blame her-if this was Gus and he was doing this, Bellamy would be worried sick and desperately trying to stop him-his mom understood and supported him but she was scared. 

On Saturday evening he had gone to Farm, considering it the less dangerous and full-of-guards at every corner station and about twenty people had gathered in Monty’s small appartment.

They decided they have to be smart about it and Bellamy made sure to reiterate that this is not a strike-that all they want to do is support her and make sure she doesn’t get floated.

Most of the crowd was thrustworthy enough for him-these were the most tortured and screwed up part of their society-young single-parents with toddlers or first-graders who worked hard and had been sick or hurt because of it, older women and men who had lasting injuries like Bellamy’s and were barely functioning or middle-aged women that were his mom’s coworkers who had lost everything in life and had relied on Clarke for understanding when they had pains and needs nobody paid any attention to otherwise. 

He knew they were absolutely stepped over by the big boot of the Ark’s well-oiled machine, they were tired and they were angry but not in the murderous kind of way-they were mad because they had one good thing going, one good thing in the span of fifty years-a medcenter, a place they could go when they were hurt, when their children were sick, when their parents or spouses were dying and they had received proper treatment and had been treated with nothing but kindness there, but now it was taken from them the way everything else was and that was the tip of the glass.

There was this one men between them, an older guy-eighty three of age who Bellamy had seen in Factory but never much talked to-his name was Lee, he had a long white beard and short white hair, his hands were big and bony, tired, he had his blue jumpsuit too big for his skinny tired hunched body but he had a soft wise smile.

Bellamy wasn’t sure why he was there but judging by the fact that he had a similar limp to his leg like Bellamy, he thought Clarke probably had tried to help him out. He didn’t talk much during their conversation, just nodded and suggested a few things here and there but mostly he was quiet.

When their gathering was over and everyone else dispersed, he had stood up in the same unstable way Bellamy had-it was as if he could see himself in the mirror-how his life would go, how at eighty-three, if he ever lived that long, he’d be a hunched old man with white hair, barely holding on.

He didn’t know if it scared him or if it made him angry that this is all there was to their lives. 

Lee hobbled over, reaching on the wall and sat on the metal chair by the table near Bellamy, he tipped his hat off and smiled-though he was bony structured and weak, his cheeks had this rose tinge to them and his beard reminded Bellamy of the old men in the movies sitting on their porch smoking their pipes and looking down at their playing grandsons on the front lawn. 

There was no lawn for Lee. No grandchildren either. but he did pull out a small wooden pipe and though he didn’t light it, he placed it at the corner of his mouth. Smoking was forbidden on the Ark but Bellamy had tried a cigarette or two when he was in high school, hiding in the bathrooms with a few other boys, curling up near the vents so nobody caught them. 

“It’s really brave what you’re doing here, son.” he said, voice hoarse and a little trembling and Bellamy shook his head at him refusing to accept the compliment.

“Clarke’s the one who’s brave, not me. She saved all these people.” he nods in agreement.

“Your girl is a feisty one, I like her.” Lee says leaning back on the chair and taking off his pipe, fumbling with it with his shaking fingers “I never went to her, you know? She found me.” Bellamy raises an eyebrow at that.

“I was coming back home from work when that old fella started giving out from under me.” he pats at his bad leg, ironically, the same one as Bellamy’s. “Fell on my ass in the middle of the hallway.” Bellamy’s face falls, this was his biggest fear-the same thing happening to him, just passing out without being able to stop it.

“There was this guard there, he started yelling at me to get up, poking me with his rifle, wouldn’t leav' me alon’.” Lee kept on, chewing on his words a little like Gus did, as if he was too tired to speak them out properly now, as if he realized they didn’t matter at all. “Your girl saw me and she rushed to help me stand, talked back to that guard like she wanted to bite his head off.” that makes Bellamy chuckle.

“That’s Clarke for you.” Lee nods with a deep hoarse hmm.

“Then she made me go to her medcenter, lay me down, asked me questions, wrote things down, gave me medicin’” his voice trembles again but this time for different reasons and when he met Bellamy’s eyes they were full of tears “Nobody ever cared enough to ask me questions, son.” Bellamy’s heart squeezes, he wants to reach out and clasp his shoulder, hold his hand, help him walk-do anything, just anything for this man who was so full of pain.

“How did you get hurt?”

“Working accident almost thirty years ago.” he explains with a sad smile “One of the machines broke while I was fixin it and I got buried under with five more people. I was the only one who made it.” Bellamy swallows hard “Got a limp and a nickname out of it-Lucky Lee. I hated it but my wife Mary Anne used to say “They ain’t wrong Lee, you are lucky, you stayed with me when everyone else died.” but all I felt was guilt.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“My best friend died that day.” he keeps on “I stayed buried there for five hours before an Alpha doctor came and the boys were allowed to dig me out. I still remember his indignation, his total disgust that he had to treat someone from Factory.” Bellamy grips the sides of the chair at that-anger washing all over him again “I’ll never forget his eyes for the rest of my life. The machine may have crushed me but this man destroyed my spirit with just one look.”

“You didn’t deserve that.”

“No, but it’s what I got. Until your Clarke.” Lee keeps calling her his girl and his Clarke and Bellamy doesn’t have the heart to tell him that she doesn’t belong with him, not in that sense anyway. “She was the kindest soul, she was soft and caring.”

“She is.”

“She doesn’t care where I’m from.” Bellamy nods in agreement “We have to fight for that because we need more people like her if we want to survive, son.”

“I know that, that’s why I’m doing this.”

“We need more people like you too.” Bellamy titls his head in confusion “Fighters.”

“I’m not a fighter, Lee.”

“Yes you are but you ain’t like those iditos who blew us up. You’re smart. You can fight for our people.”

“I don’t know about that.” he nods down at his own bad leg “Have you not seen me? I barely fight for myself and I only do it because of my son.”

“How old is he?” Lee asks next, completely ignoring Bellamy’s self-depricating words.

“He’s almost four.”

“You know when I was five things were different in Factory.” he explains patiently “We had electricity all the time, rations that weren’t just algae, we eve had our own medbay.”

“You did?” Lee nods with a sad smile “Things only got worse later.”

“With Jaha?”

“With the one before Jaha.”

“I thought Peterson was a good chancellor.” Bellamy says confused.

“It’s not him, he was a fool, it was the councilmen then and this particular one-Huxley-he terrorised the people and mentored Jaha.” Lee shakes his head and stands up, leaning heavily on the table “Anyway, what I mean is, you’re doing something good now-don’t let them take away the one thing we still have. People get sick and hurt here, son-they need doctors. Doctors like your girl.”

“I’m not sure she’s my girl.” Lee chuckles at that and shakes his head but when his eyes land on Bellamy’s he seems surprised and then he smirks. “Well then I hope one day she will be.”

“She can’t be. Clarke belongs to no one, let alone me.” Bellamy argues looking away “And she deserves better anyway.”

Lee circles around the table and clasps his arm with his big bony hand.

“Piece of advice, son-” he mumbles quietly “Don’t sell yourself short-the world already does it for you, don’t help it, okay?” Bellamy shrugs just barely but gives him a small nod “See you Monday.”

Now here they were-all of them gathered together pretending to ben othing but the ordinary people they wanted them to be.

Lee was in the corner, leaning on the wall, hat tipped down so nobody looked at him waiting for Bellamy’s sign.

They had been lucky in the sense that the squire was small but a transitional one, acting as a connection between Alpha, GoSci and Farm, being used mostly for vegitable and fruit deliveries.

The hallway leading to the interrogation rooms and some of the GoSci councilmen offices was just ont he right-Bellamy had knows that’s where Clarke would be taken because it made the most sense and also, because he has been interrogated here too after he was arrested in the bombings.

The other good thing was that because it wasn’t a lower station square it was less guarded-there was just two guards by the entrance ten meters away from them and two more by the hallway but they were both young and seemed to be chatting away unconsciously aware of what was about to happen in just a minute. 

It was funny how different the Ark treated its people in some ways-the trust it placed in those from the higher stations and the doubt it put in everyone else.

Bellamy had talked to Clarke last on Saturday and he had gotten worried-she was forbidden from leaving her appartment and there was a guard patroling her hallway for the days until Monday in case she tried sneaking away.

She had grown tired and depressed, wouldn’t talk much and he could see she was starting to lose hope which scared him. The only thing that would make her smile was Gus, so he made sure to let the two of them talk in hopes of lifting her spirits.

On Sunday evening when the kid had fallen asleep on Bellamy’s chest as usually, she had grown particularly sad.

“Bellamy-” she asked and he looked up from his baby boy to her “I know his birthday’s coming up soon-” she takes in a deep breath before she keeps on “I hid the present under my bed, right here” she pats on her matress “Told dad about it, so in case I’m not here for it, he’ll...he’ll send it over to you, okay?”

“Clarke-”

“No, Bellamy, please listen to me.”

“I won’t!” he shakes his head “I refuse to.”

“You have to.”

“I won’t.” he insists “You’re not dying, Clarke.” he raises his voice a little “We’re not saying goodbye.”

“What if I want to?” she counters “You’re denying me that?”

“I am.” he keeps on trying to prevent his voice from shaking “Because as I already said, you’re not dying.” her face softens as he continues “I’m not going to let that happen.”

“You don’t have a say in it.”

“I don’t need to have a say-I have something better.” he keeps his eyes on her as he says it “Hope.”

“You think I’ll make it?” her eyes well with tears.

“I’m saying that you’re invited to my son’s birthday and it’ll be rude if you don’t come considering how much this boy loves you.” she bursts at that and burries her head in her hands.

Bellamy itches for nothing more but to reach out and hug her tight, hold her in his arms and not let go of her not just that evening but for days to come. 

But he can’t. All he can do is talk to her, tell her it’ll be fine and be there until she falls asleep out of anxiety and exhaustion.

And then he can do what he’s about to do now.

He stops his movements, leans the mop on the wall and turns around, giving Shauna and Lee a sign to get ready.

All thirty of them move just a little closer to the interrogation hallway.

And then the entrance doors open up and four guards lead Clarke in. 

Bellamy’s heart lurches in his chest for a moment-she looked so small and pale and yet so...beautiful. For the first time since he met her, he saw her dressed as a member of the Alpha station-she had a floral blue-green dress with a yellow cardigan on top, her hair was braided back not in the princessy style she liked but in a fishbone that went down her back, she had just the barest traces of lipstick and a flash of blue masacara around her eyes that somehow made them even more sad.

She was the picture perfect of Alpha standards-the girls you saw in the old movies that were smart, sharp and good-the perfect wives for every man. 

For the first time ever it dawned on Bellamy that Alpha’s lifestyle, while much easier and glamorous came with certain requirements and believes of the world that everyone had to strictly comply to. Clarke had refused to, she had rebelled and now she was paying for it.

Her mom and dad were trailing close behind and so was Wells, upon whose arrival the guards at the front stiffened, all conversation ceasing as they soluted him. 

The atmosphere changed for a moment but most of the people went on with their work-a few stopped to throw curious looks at Clarke-it seemed like the whole station knew what she had done by now and they were all judging her, but Wells' presence was stopping them from their eyes lingering too long on her even if it didn’t stop the whispers and quiet chatters.

When they’re about in the middle of the hallway, Bellamy nods at his people and they all carefully, very sneaky and quietly move in sync.

Before anyone can do anything, before anyone can even realize what was happening, he was standing just a few feet before the interrogation hallway, swiftly moving around with the other twenty nine people, all of them forming two short lines  one before the other with Bellamy in the center, all of them locking their arms together by the elbows.

The guards accompanying Clarke stop abruptly and he sees her almost trip behind them before her eyes settle on him and realization dawns on her.

Then anger.

He knew there was a chance she’d hate him risking his life and another arrest but he had to do this-he has never been more sure about anything he’s done before. 

Chapter 21

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all so much for the wonderful comments! I am sorry I took some time to update, I just felt quite discouraged about this story but I am back on writing it. Thank you so much for leaving me comments.

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

There’s a moment of silence as the guards process what’s happening here-no one suspected even in the slightest that Factory people would come in Clarke’s defence-in fact Alpha had been rejoicing in the fact that someone, who had rebelled against their perfectly working system, someone who went in the slums to help the working class they considered the scum of the society, was being punished.

But no one...no one ever dared believe she may have any kind of support.

The guards are stunned for just a moment before they remember themselves and raised their rifles-all four of them coming towards Clarke, leaving her, her parents and Wells behind and treatening the Factory crowd.

Bellamy feels a wave of some universal connection pass through all of them holding each other-the fear of the unknown combined with the enthusiasm that they were doing something important, something worth risking their lives over.

Wells moves forward, elbowing the guards before them and standing right in front of Bellamy.

He had Shauna on his right side and Lee on the other, the rest of them were all workers from Farm, Factory and Arrow that Clarke has helped touched by her bravery and her big heart.

“What the hell is going on here?” he asks and Bellamy feels like the entire square just freezes and the air gets completely sucked out.

Maybe that’s what his dad felt before he was floated.

The memory of him is what makes Bellamy untangle his arms from the others and move a step forward chest to chest with Wells as the guards tighten the grips on their rifles behind them, threatening to shoot on sight. 

“We’re here to support Clarke” Bellamy explains calmly, absolutely collected.

Yes, he may look worse off than Wells, he may be wearing his old blue jumpsuit, he may have grease stains covering his face and blisters marring his fingers and yes he may be buckling a little to the left because of his bad leg but he’s standing tall and proud.

“We know the Ark won’t ever let us speak so we thought we came out here and make you listen anyway.”

“Is this a protest?” Wells challenges and Bellamy just smiles.

“It’s an act of support for the person who has been saving lives when you’ve been condemning them to die.” Wells opens his mouth but Bellamy’s faster “A peaceful one.” he raises his hands in the air “We’re not here to fight, not here to stir trouble, we just wanted to show up for Clarke the way she always showed up for us.”

“It’s still forbidden for more than ten people of outside stations to gather in Alpha under the current laws.” Wells recites. “Do you really want me to arrest all of you, Blake?”

“No, I don’t. As I said we’re not here to break the law.”

“Yet you are doing just that.” he steps forward and Bellamy raises his arms higher before him in both a sign of Wells to stop advancing as well as to reiterate once more he’s not here to fight, that he bears no arms. “I know you can be bravely stupid, Blake, but are you really going to risk the life of these people who came here because you made them act on a whim?”

“He did no such thing!” Shauna moves forward and the guard on the left points his gun at her. Bellamy reaches forward, moving halway before her as a way of protecting her but she’s strong and she doesn’t seem to care because she moves to stand by Bellamy’s side “We’re here because of Clarke. We’re here because like Bellamy said, you left us out ot die like flies and she helped us. She saved my child and yes she may have stolen that medicine but my girl is alive today because of it.”

“It’s not about that, ma’am” Wells tries to reason but Shauna won’t hear it.

“Then what is it about?”

“What she did is considered wrong and going against the Ark’s laws.”

“So you’re saying that the Ark wants a five year old girl to die just because she’s a lesser human than you in your eyes?” Shauna implores and Wells' face goes completely stunned-he’s at a loss for words and Bellamy allows himself to softly smile when he looks at her and nods in encouragement. 

“That’s not what I mean-”

“It’s what you’re saying!” Shauna insists and Bellamy knows they’ve won this round, Wells shoulders sag, the guards look between him and the small crowd before them in utter confusion and disbelief waiting for their commanding officer to tell them what to do but he was just standing there gritting his teeth, trying to come up with some sort of solution.

And that is exactly what Bellamy and the others needed-a moment of hesitation.

He nods at the others and the all move forward, yelling out different things in support of Clarke.

“She saved my husband’s life!”

“I would’ve died out of my wounds if not for her!”

“My father made it because she cared hard enough!”

“My wife gave birth to a healthy baby boy because she came in the middle of the night to help us.” and on and on, they chant next to him.

Bellamy peaks between the guards and finds Clarke standing there tears streming down her face, mouth hanging in surprise, her hands trembling.

He smiles softly, tries to say with just one look everything he wants to but he still mouths a quiet “It’ll be okay, princess.”

“Thank you.” she whispers and he nods. 

But then the moment passes and things change as fast as they did when the bomb went off and his entire world turned upside down. Wells yelled at the guards to step closer and radioed for back up.

Bellamy’s people, Lee, Shauna, his mom were all pushed back by their batons. 

“No!” Bellamy tries to stop it “No fighting!” he reminds them and they all raise their hands trying to show the guards they don’t want this.

But they still hit.

And they hit hard.

Bellamy steps up and spreads his hands trying to put some distance between the guards and the others thinking, foolishly, that he could stop four people, five if he counted Wells, from hurting everyone else.

Maybe he was a fool.

“Bellamy!” he hears his mom’s voice in the cacaphony of sounds, but all he sees is Wells raising his baton at him in warning, trying to make him back off one last time before this turns into a full blown mess, the other guards are pushing the people behind him to the walls, trying to disperse them.

“Give it up, Blake.” Wells says through teeth.

But Bellamy steps forward instead of backwards.

“No!”

Wells shakes his head his eyes roam over looking for an excuse not to do this but Bellamy knows that as much as he may not be a bad man, as much as Clarke sees the good in him, he’s still a guard and he had to do what he had to do just like Bellamy.

He feels Wells’ baton hit his ribs and he buckles over but he manages to stay up and raise his hand in defense.

Just when he thinks Wells will hit him again, he hears Clarke’s voice.

“No!” she yells and when Bellamy looks up he finds her sliding in between Wells and Bellamy “No, Wells, stop it, please!” she spreads her arms between the two of them and the guards quiet down too, stopping their actions surprised by the turn of events. 

“Clarke-” Bellamy tries to call for her but she doesn’t turn around-this isn’t what he wanted-her standing up and trying to tear them apart and prevent them from fighting. He feels the blood from the guards blow to his face fill his mouth and spill over. 

“Tell them to stop! Don’t hurt them, please!” Clarke begs and Wells drops his baton to the side and looks around. The crowd’s gone quiet but the guards are still pressing the Factory people to the walls trying to prevent them from moving forward. The new batch that he called on the radio makes it’s way from the entrance behind them and Bellamy sees a flood of black surround Wells, Clarke’s parents and Jackson who looks like he wants to start kicking someone as badly as Clarke was.

“Sir, what do you need from us?” the newly arrived guards ask coming by Wells’ side and forming a small square around Jake, Abby, Jackson, Clarke and Wells as a way of protecting them. As if they needed protection-Bellamy’s people made it clear they don’t want to fight. “Should we arrest them?”

“Wells!” Clarke begs again, making his eyes fall right back on her “Please, they don’t want any trouble, they did it for me. Let them go.”

There’s hesitation in Wells eyes and Bellamy knows why-another arrest, another beating of his people would probably result in an uprising. Everyone in Factory, Farm and Arrow was still reeling from the consequences of the bombings-how so many had been arrested and held captive without any reason to do so, how they were denied proper treatment and were punished by lack of rations.

If word got out that a small group supporting one of the two doctors helping their stations, it’d be the last straw-they might’ve been crushed by the Ark’s policies but they still had their dignitity, their honor and with that came anger and willingness to fight for what was right.

Wells knew that.

So did Bellamy.

That’s why he came up with this in the first place, hoping that no matter how the guards were, that they wouldn’t arrest them, wouldn’t risk the system suffering.

“Let them go!” Wells’ voice echoes in the small squire and Clarke’s shoulders sag in relief. The guards all push back and the Bellamy’s people breathe a little easier as they try to recuparete themselves-he could see they were all a little bit ruffled-some cuts and bruises here and there but mostly they were intact and they all looked at him with determination. 

“All of you, I suggest you go home before I change my mind.” Wells tells them turning to the small crowd.

“How do we know that the councillors hear about what we had to say?” Shauna asks “We didn’t do this for nothing.”

“You got some nerve, you Factory scum.” one of the guards raises their baton again, ready to strike her but Wells grabs his wrist and pulls him away.

“We don’t hurt them!” he commands through teeht “Is that clear?”

The guard lets Wells put his hand down though he’s definitely displeased.

“Sir.” he mumbles in angry agreement, clearly desperate to fight his decision but unable to do so because Wells outrank him.

“Your leader will stay.” Wells says next turning to Shauna “He won’t be let in the chambers but he will hear out the sentence.” he nods at the guard on his right “In cuffs, of course.”

“No!” Clarke tries again but Wells shakes his head sternly. She couldn’t stop this. He may let them go but he still had punish them somehow-he was, after all, the chancellor’s son. If he did nothing, how does that reflect on his father? On the entire system?

“I’ll let the council members know about your commitment to Clarke but you’re all going to get your rations cut off for two weeks and you will not be allowed to leave your station for that period either.” he continues and Bellamy’s face darkens and he tries to fight off the guards as they cuff him. Clarke’s right there next to him feeling completely broken as Wells shouts out his orders “Go in line by the door and wait for a guard to process your IDs. If you try to get away or hurt someone, you’ll be restrained and trialed, is that clear?” 

Aurora finds Bellamy’s eyes through the small crowd and he sees fear in her eyes-this wasn’t how it was supposed to be but it was still a semi-win-Wells could’ve had them all arrested, him floated for just daring to do this and he was certain they’d live the rest of those two weeks in hunger and fear of a bigger punishment but for now...for now that was bearable.

He nods at her and she quietly whispers to the others, pulls Shauna back and asks Lee to help out gather them before they all head to the exit.

“Everyone get back to escorting doctor Griffin to the interrogation room.” Wells commands “The prisoner stays in the hallway, two guards by his side, two by the doors and five at the entrance hallways-the others I want patroling the square until we’re done, is that clear?” a chorus of “Yes, sir” echoes through and Bellamy’s roughly pulled away from her.

Clarke herself gets a guard holding her elbow from each side and they’re all pushed forward. 

Bellamy throws his mom one last look, whispering “Take care of Gus” as they pass by the small group of supporters and she nods but her eyes are filled with worry and fear.

The hallway’s darker than Bellamy expects and as they walk the guards roughly push him, elbow him and try to trip him over just to get some sort of punishment on him. He knew that won’t be the end of it.

He knew when they stopped and Clarke and the others were inside, they’d probably beat him with their batons just to get their revenge now that there was no one to watch-a Factory scumbag making a fool out of them, out of the chancellor’s son? That was unheard of.

But he didn’t mind and he wasn’t scared. If anything, he could take a beating.

All his mind was focused on was the girl walking up before him. Clarke was right there just a few feet from him, twisting her head and trying to get a glimpse at him as they kept progressing down this godawful place-Bellamy felt like climbing down the stairs to hell just like in the myths he read Gus at night. 

Jackson was the person separating him and Clarke and Jake and Abby were right behind Wells who lead the small group surrounded by guards from all sides.

When they finally reach the place, Bellamy doesn’t get any chance of talking to Clarke. They’re all being shoved right inside the room and he struggles against the guard restraining him and he calls her name but all she manages is to turn her head right before they put her in and meet his eyes. She was so scared, he’s never seen her that terrified before, not even during the bombing when she lay on the rubble motionless and hurt.

“I’m here!” he yells out “I’m right here, okay?” but the door shuts behind her mercilessly, leaving him and the two guards outside. 

They quickly push him to the wall and his leg buckles under him from all the pressure of the past half an hour and he ends up on the floor with them both laughing mockingly above.

“Bring in the rookies.” one of them, a guy in his thirties with dirty blond hair and evil blue eyes, barks at the other “It appears this will be their chirstianing at punishing a Factory scumbag.”

The other one laughs and leaves but Bellamy can’t care about any of this-he just doesn’t-he was straining his ears, pushing his head to the door, trying to catch the words inside, trying to find out what was going to happen to Clarke. 

A minute or so later two young boys wearing cadet uniforms arrive trailing by the older guards and when they stand before him he sees the fear and confusion in their eyes-is this how their innocence was lost? Is this how they were turned into monsters? By beating up a Factory or Farm station citizent? By cuffing them and rendering them helpless, pressing them to walls, not allowing them to breathe properly? 

The older ones pick him up and hold him on both sides and Bellamy tries to keep his composture-it’ll be fine, it wasn’t his first rodeo, he could take this.

“I thought master chief Jaha said we shouldn’t be hurting the protesters?” one of them, a boy with red hair and freckly face, thin, not-yet-matured voice says, his eyes darting between Bellamy and the guards in fear. 

“He never said anything about him.” the guy on his right who was the first to call them says with a sneaky smirk “When you become guards you’ll have to do this on daily basis, so you better start training now.”

“Won’t we be punished if he gets hurt? What if Jaha-”

“Keep off of his face, focus on hitting his body, use your batons.” the one on the left commands. The cadets share a look and Bellamy sees their hesitation, their still young naivity and good hearts trying to make sense of this.

There was no making sense, he thought, none of it made any sense. 

“Sir, is this really necessary?” the other boy with black short hair and dark skin dares to ask “He seems pretty banged up anyway.”

The older guard with the piercing blue eyes moves forward and stands before them.

“Do you want to become guards?” they nod solemnly “This is how you do it. Every time you hesitate to strike is another time on of them kills you.” Bellamy wants to laugh-when had they ever killed someone? Minus the bombings Factory has only fought back in strikes, mostly peaceful ones, provoked by the lack of basic necessities like electricity or rations. “We let them off the hook for far too long and you saw what happened.”

“The bombings.” the red-haired one lets out angrily and now his face hardens. He must’ve been personally affected by them, Bellamy thinks, otherwise he wouldn’t sound so angry or broken. Maybe someone he knew died-a friend, a parent even, maybe that’s what pushed him to become a cadet.

“Come on now, get on with it.” the guard commands them again and moves away. This time there’s no hesitation left-they step forward and Bellamy, who’s hands had been uncuffed, doesn’t try to fight them, not right away anyway-what could he do against their batons and hard boots? How could he stop it?

The red-haired boy strikes first-a punch to his stomach-a hard one, right where Wells had hit just a moment ago. He buckles and tries to keep standing but they use his hunched position to his his back with their batons. 

“Is that all you can do?” he hears the guards ask and they trip him over. He falls hard on his side-his ribs had just about healed again and he hears one of them, on the lower right side crack. 

He smiles sadly and he tries to fight them off but his flailing hands only get hit  by their multiple baton strikes. His elbow cracks, his wrist gets pinned by a boot, and then there’s multiple kicks in his stomach, his chest with their feet and all the more strikes on his back. 

He squeezes his eyes shut-it’ll be fine, just a little beating, he could take it. Clarke is what mattered, she is being questioned right now, her whole world turning upside down. Bellamy’s world had been flipped so many times he doesn’t remember what normal feels like-what having a warm room 24/7 and enough food is, what not worrying over every little thing felt like. In fact, he can’t remember a time he was ever like that, even as a kid.

He’s powerless before them but what brings his attention back to the interrogation room is hearing loud voices coming from inside. The guards must notice it too because they give the cadets a sign to stop their beatings and for a moment the hallway quiets.

“No! No, please, that’s not true!” Bellamy hears Clarke voice coming from inside and though his entire body is on fire, he manages to raise himself up on his hands though with a loud painful groan. His hand ends up on his ribs and he shoves it under his ragged shirt, lifting it briefly to expose the already blue side of his chest. “No!” he hears her yell again.

“Clarke!” his voice comes out weak at first and the guards who are confused grab him and pull him up, pinning him to the wall again.

“Keep him still!” they order the cadets and the young red-haired boy pushes his hand on Bellamy’s chest while the other twists his arms behind his back and cuffs him again. now that the beating was over, they had to get him back to the way he was-pretend nothing happened even if Bellamy’s entire upper body and arms hurt and felt like every joint was beginning to swallow.

“It doesn’t matter, he thought, it’s okay. At least it’s not my legs, they hit my back but...but I’ll be fine, it doesn’t hurt, I can walk and I can take a few bruises.”

His only thought was Clarke. She was in trouble, the arguing inside was getting louder, he could hear too many voices but couldn’t make that many out, lots of movement-maybe the guards in the room had to restrain her too?

The idea that she could be hurt made him fight against the cadets.

“Stop it!” he pushed him harder to the wall but Bellamy struggled against him.

“Let me go! You can’t keep me up like this!”

“We can do whatever we want, Blake.” the older guard comes behind the red-haired boy “Don’t make me shock lash you!”

“Fuck you!” Bellamy spits out as he keeps struggling against the two boys “Let me go! Let me go!” they keep him steady though, pin his arms on both sides and press their elbows to his chest in a deadly catch so that he can’t escape this no matter how hard he tried.

“Is this the kind of guards that you want to be? Is this the oath you’re taking? To protect people but instead you beat them up and leave them to die just because they’re not from your station?” the freckly boy loosens his grip for a moment looking absolutely stunned by Bellamy’s words.

Just when they’re about to use their shock batons on him, the door flies open and the grip on Bellamy’s body loosens as everyone watches the guards leave with someone in cuffs as the yelling from the room and the cacaphony of sounds continues.

For a minute there his heart lurches because he can’t make the figure between the six guards escorting the person and he’s afraid, he’s so damn scared that it’s Clarke, her name even escapes his lips because if they’re taking her down that hallway then she-

No.

It couldn’t be.

Because he knew where that hallway led-it took you straight to the airlocks, to death.

And then all his struggling and efforts to get free pay off and he catches a glimpse of the figure between the small squad of black and when he does, his breath hitches, his heart stops and he feels his feet buckle from underneath him.

It wasn’t Clarke.

It was Jackson.

“No-” a strangled voice escapes his lips. What was this? Why were they taking him there? He hadn’t done anything wrong he...no there had to be a mistake, right? Maybe they’re taking him in for more questioning or asking him to write down his statements. They couldn’t be bringing him to the airlocks, it made no sense.

And then Clarke’s taken out of the room as well, struggling against two guards and he sees her screaming and fighting and kicking and trying to get away from their strong grips, yelling her guts out.

“No! Let me go, you bastards! It wasn’t him! IT WASN’T HIM! HE LIED, HE WAS LYING! LET ME GO, LET ME-” she manages to kick one of them in the knee and the other to elbow in their chin and she tears herself free and starts running down the hallway “No! JACKSON, PLEASE! DON’T DO THIS! JACKSON! TELL THEM YOU’RE LYING!” she begs and Bellamy sees Jackson turn around and simply smile softly at her, knowingly while she tries to get to him.

The guards follow swiftly at her, Wells rushes in and grabs her by her middle pulling her back as she kicks in the air and struggles against him.

“Someone give me a hand here!” he yells back for more back up and the guards and cadets previously occupied with him leave him alone as they rush to help with Clarke.

Bellamy’s left alone for a moment and he’s surprised that when he tries to free his hands away from his restrains, he actually manages to do so-his hands go free and the  elastic cord holding him together falls on the floor-the cadets must’ve not clapsed it hard enough when they put iton, that and he was struggling hard enough against them, it made sense if he managed to tear himself free from it, considering the blood and lacertaion on his wrists.

He didn’t care though.

Not for a second.

He ran towards Clarke.

“Someone get me some cuffs!” Wells yelled “We need to restrain her!”

“No!” Bellamy joins in on the mess and tries to get to her “Clarke! Clarke, please, look at me!”

“Let me go! Let me go! He’s innocent! You can’t do this, you can’t!” she struggled against Wells as two of the other guards were trying to grab her hands but she kicked in the air and tossed in her friend’s arms like her life depended on it. Bellamy tried to get there and he had actually managed to almost touch her hand but the other two guards create a wall between them and he keeps pushing and trying to reach her, calling out her name while she struggles against Wells and the cadets.

“Come on, God, stop it! Just stop!” Wells yells trying to get her to calm down “It’s over!”

“It wasn’t him! It was me! Please, please-”

“Clarke!” Bellamy found his voice and somehow in the midst of all the cacaphony of sounds she hears him and her eyes land on him “Clarke, please, stop it, you’re hurting yourself!” he begs as he tries to shove himself between the guards stopping him. 

She goes slack in Wells’ arms if just for a minute and he looks at Bellamy surprised, like he can’t believe he managed to do this, that he calmed her down by just calling her name, that he was the beacon of hope that pushed through the darkness.

“Bellamy-” her eyes well with tears as she finally rests in Well’s embrace.

“I’m here, princess, I’m right here!” he keeps reaching out to touch her but the guards keep them apart. Bellamy thought funnily how if someone was looking at them from the outside, it’d seem like a scene from the old movies they watched in the Factory mess hall when they were kids.

But this wasn’t a movie, it was their lives.

“Let him go.” Wells commands the guards and they pull away almost making him trip over himself with his leg being so unstable and his body absolutely beaten up and bruised under his ragged clothes.

He’s so glad Clarke can’t see it right now-he wouldn’t want to add to her worry.

“Are you calm enough now?” Wells asks her next though she’s anything but that-she’s stopped struggling but she’s sobbing, crying out loud, tears streming down her face, her whole body trembling with pain. “You won’t try to hit anyone or cause troubles?” she manages a small nod and he lets go of her.

The moment she does she takes the few steps separating her from Bellamy and throws herself in his arms.

“Bellamy!” she cries out and he holds her so tight he feels like he’s actually preventing her from taking a proper breath.

“I’m here. I’m right here, you’re okay, you’re safe” he whispers in her ear as he holds her close and puts all his effort not to pass out from the pain in his leg or her arms wrapped tightly around his bruised back and body. She needed him now-his pain was insignificant. 

She cries out and sobs, burying her head in his chest and letting it all out. He’s never seen her like this before and he’s scared but all he can do, really is hold her and be there for her. After Gina died and he curled up in his bed after putting Gus to sleep, he’d cry for hours and wish someone was just there to wrap their arms around him-the fact that he was so alone in his pain just worsened his feeling of desperation.

He’d never let Clarke feel that way. Never.

He strokes her head and kisses her forehead, tries to get a glimpse of her face but she’s fisting his jumpsuit and wetting his shirt and he can’t bear to see her like this.

He looks at Wells as he holds her and watches as he calls off all guards who though confused, follow his orders. He assures them he’s got this and waits for them to leave before he comes closer. Bellamy wraps his arms tighter around Clarke on instinct and Wells smiles sadly at that.

“What the hell happened?” he asks him and Clarke finally quiets down a little but she keeps her face buried in his chest and refuses to move.

“I’ll give you guys a moment to talk but then I have to escort her to the airlock.”

“Only over my death body are you floating her!” Bellamy spits out feverently, ready to drop everything, push Clarke behind him and fight Wells with his bare hands as fucked up as he was at the moment.

“It won’t be her.” is all Wells says and he keeps his eyes on Bellamy until the realization dawns on him-Jackson being the one taken down, Clarke struggling and yelling about it not being his fault, trying to get to him, begging them to free him.

He must’ve taken all the blame for this.

“You have five minutes and then we need to go.” Wells adds as he gives Bellamy a small nod and moves a little down the hallway with his back to them, allowing them some sort of privacy, whatever meager it could be in that moment. Bellamy can’t say he’s not a little grateful for it but he can’t spare a thought on that right now-all he’s thinking about is the absolutely broken and devastated in every sense Clarke in his arms.

He looks around and sees a small bench, similar to the one he was sitting on when he first went to see her with Gus in the office and he wishes he could be back to that moment when both of them were doing much better-he wasn’t fucked up and she wasn’t so damn hurt.

“Come on, princess, over here!” he carefully leads her there and as much as it hurts him to walk, as much as her arm wrapped tightly around his middle makes it hard for him to breathe, he pushes on and carefully sits them down.

Slowly, he peels her off off him and takes her face in his hands.

“Clarke-” he breathes in and when she meets his eyes he wants to cry-he’s never before seen her like this-so hurt, so absolutely wrecked. “What happened? Talk to me.”

“I-I...” she sobs and struggles to talk.

“It’s okay, breathe with me, alright?” he slides his hands down to her wrists and holds them tightly, trying to bring her back to reality from her horrible panic attack “In and out, okay? Come on!” he breathes in slowly, inhales and then exales and waits for her to follow, urges her to keep going until she’s somewhat a little better.

“He...Jackson took the blame.” she finally manages as the tears stream down her face with new intenisity “They asked me...just a few questions about my work and how long I’ve been in Factory before they brought Jackson in to talk and he...he admitted to stealing the medicine himself, told them they could ch-check the records...that he was...that he was treating you and a few other patients with antibiotics in the field clinic at the time they were taken from medbay.” Bellamy bites his lips but keeps steady “I tried to...I tried to fight it but they thought I wanted to protect him when in fact it was...Bellamy, they’re going to float him!”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay.” he lies as he pushes her head to his chest again “It’s okay, I’m here, I’m right here.” he rocks them up and down “Maybe we can talk to them? Your father or Wells can-” she shakes her head interrupting him with her shaky full of anger voice.

“No, it’s a done deal, he took it all and he...he said I was trying to cover for him but he couldn’t let it happen. They want me...they want me to watch and then they-” she sobs hard again and he grips her arms, trying to hold her steady, prevent another panic attack from overwhelming her.

“They’re kicking me out of Alpha.”

“What?” he asks confused and pulls away a little watching her nod and look down at her lap for a minute.

“I collaborated with him, didn’t report him, so they’re punishing me too. They said I’m no longer an Alpha citizent, that I could go to Factory and stay there but I have no...I have nothing, no place to live and I-”

“You have me!” he insists “You’re not homeless, okay? You’re going to stay with us.” he promises and she’s at a loss for words at that, everything that was happening was just too much-she was in shock and she couldn’t process any of it. “What else? Is there more to it?”

“Can’t-can’t see my parents for a year or go to Alpha and-” she chokes on her words “And they’re closing the med center in Factory, at least for now and I-I can’t...practice, I’m not allowed to practice for three months.” Bellamy bites his lip so hard he’s certain he draws blood and then he pulls her back to his chest and holds her as she cries.

This was bad-floating Jackson and tearing her away from her home? Refusing her Alpha citizenship? Leaving her out there on her own, belonging to nothing and no one with no roof under her head and denying her the right to practice what she loved-it was all done with the one goal to absolutely crush her spritis, to tell her that she was stupidly brave enough to think she can steal medicine right under their noses and get away with it just because she came from a good family.

But the Ark forgave no one and no one was above its rules.

Still, Bellamy wouldn’t let anything happen to her. She had been saving him and Gus’ lives for the past eight months and now she needed him-her entire life was turned upside down in a way she surely wasn’t even realizing right now-her whole world would change and he’d be there for her.

Bellamy squeezes his eyes shut for a moment and presses his lips hard against the top of her head. She shudders under him and wraps her arms tighter around his body-he forces himself not to yell from the pain in his bones and muscles.

When he opens his eyes again he sees Wells has turned around and approached them again, giving Bellamy a look that suggested they were running out of time.

Bellamy sighs, tightens his grip once more before carefully peeling Clarke away.

“Hey-” he cups her face again and brushes her tears away with his calloused thumbs “Hey, listen to me, please” she looks up and her eyes are so soft and so full of pain that it reminds him of Gus when he refused to let go of him after he came home from the bombing and the kid thought he was dead “I know it’s awful now, I know that you’re scared and in shock and I know your entire world just turned upside down but we have to go...we have to get to the airlock, okay?” she whimpers at that and he wants nothing but to press her face back to his chest and never let her go again “We owe it to Jackson-”

“No, Bellamy, I can’t.”

“Shh-” he runs soothing circles on her cheeks “I know it’s awful but you have to say goodbye. If you don’t, you’ll never be able to live with yourself.”

The next words that come out of her mouth are what makes his own heart shatter.

“I don’t think I can live with myself now as it is, Bell-” she chokes on the words and throws herself back to his chest, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck, in a death clenching grip.

Wells comes closer by and puts his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it hard.

“Clarke-”

“I can’t do it.” she mumbles and shakes her head in Bellamy’s chest “I can’t.”

“Does she have to go? Hasn’t she been through enough today?” Bellamy counters but Wells purses his lips in a solemn determination.

“Those were the chancellor’s orders. If I don’t bring her in, he’ll send guards and they’ll take her there forecefully.” at that Clarke whimpers even harder and Bellamy has to shush her and run his hands down her back in a desperate attempt to sooth her. “We need to go. Now.” Wells adds “Before they’ve come looking for us.”

Bellamy nods and moves his head down to hers, pulls her away gently by the chin and rests his forehead against hers, creating a small world of their own, hiding from Wells and his prying eyes.

“Hey, it’ll be okay.”

“No.”

“Yes, it will be. You know why?” he mumbles “Because you’re strong.” her eyes meet his and there’s surprise in them now “You’re the strongest person that I know, Clarke.”

“That’s not true.”

“Yes, it is. I know it, your parents know it...and so does Jackson.”

“I can’t watch him die, Bellamy.” she sobs again “I just...can’t.”

“But you have to.” he hates that he’s crushing her spirit with the harsh reality of the situation but there was no getting out of that moment and he wouldn’t let the guards drag her all the way there knowing they’ll hurt her much worse than if she went willingly. “And I’ll be there too, every step of the way, okay? You’re not alone.”

Finally, she calms herself down, she brushes her own tears away with the back of her hand and gives Bellamy a small nod without meeting his eyes. He helps her up and she’s so unstable on her feet that he has to keep her arm wrapped around his back as they start walking. Wells tries to help out but she shrugs him off, letting him know that she’ll only allow one person to hold her right now and that was Bellamy.

It takes him a tremendous amount of effort and self-restraint not to scream from pain with every step he took-Clarke’s hands were wrapped tightly around his already bruised and swollen middle and he was grateful she was too occupied with her own grif to notice his small huffs and his ragged breathing caused by the amount of pain he was in. 

But he made it. It was incredible what the mind could do when you commanded it to-he forced himself to forget about his pain, put it at the back of his head and said “not now” as he kept pushing forward. 

They made it there with minimal fuss.

The chancellor was there which surprised Bellamy because he usually didn’t witness the floatings but he guesses that now Jaha wanted to stress on the importance of the case and how nobody had the right to break the laws, not even valuable doctors or members of Alpha station.

Jackson was on the right side, restrained by two guards as he was saying goodbye to his partner-a boy Bellamy didn’t know and hadn’t met before but from the looks of it it was about his age and definitely from Alpha too, judging by the nice clothes. Clarke’s parents were standing behind the chancellor with the rest of the councilmen and Bellamy had missed the moment they left the room, maybe it was when Clarke was tossing and trying to get away but he was glad they never got to talk-he wasn’t sure what he could say to them. I got your daughter in this mess? She stole medicine for me and now she doesn’t have a home and can’t practice her job.

Guilt washed over him and he felt himself swaying with Clarke in his arms but he quickly shook his head and commanded his legs to keep him still-this was just the beginning-he got her where she was now and he had to keep being strong for her.

Jackson’s eyes fall on her and he smiles softly, nodding at her to come close, so they could say their goodbyes.

Bellamy tries to walk with her but she tears herself apart and shakes her head.

“I have to do this on my own, Bellamy.” she whispers, tears glistening in her eyes, her teeth biting her lower lip hard. 

“Are you sure? I could-” she shakes her head and his shoulders sag upon the realization that he won’t change her mind “I’ll be right here when you’re done.” Clarke nods and moves on her toes to kiss his cheek briefly before she carefully walks over to Jackson.

He doesn’t make out any of the things they tell each other-Jackson holds her hands tightly and whispers his words too fast for anyone to be able to understand him, let alone Bellamy who was all the way to the door, Wells on his left, probably keeping an eye on him and two rows of guards on each sides as well as by the chancellor and the members of the council. Clarke cries and throws herself in his arms, Bellamy sees Jackson whisper something in her ear and then the guards tear them apart, telling them their time is over.

Clarke falls behind and Bellamy limps over to her, taking her by the arms and pulling her another few feet back, but she refuses to move, she still wants to fight this, stop it and she yells again, begging them not to do this but no one pays her any attention.

Her last desperate attempt is turning to Jaha and looking him right in the eyes.

“Please, uncle Theo-” she begs and Bellamy never realized up until that point that these people-the chancellor, Wells, some of the councilmen, they weren’t just politicians to her-they were her family. They were there when they gathered for the holidays or celebrated birthdays, they played and shared meals, they lived in happiness and peace. She ran with Wells and jumped on the bed, then her father picked them up and carried them around or her “ucnle Theo” let her climb on his shoulders. 

“It’s not his fault.”

But Jaha’s eyes are stone cold. He looks at Clarke with something resembling disgust and he doesn’t even spare a glance at Bellamy, like he wasn’t there holding her close, keeping her back.

Without any trace of emotion, he moves a step forward and turns to Jackson with his hands clasped behind his back.

“Doctor Eric Jackson, for the crimes of illigally stealing and distributing medicine, I am now sentencing you to death according to the laws of the Ark and the Exodus charter” Jackson’s already in the airlock cabin, he’s smiling, looking at his partner, then at Clarke. He tilts his head to the side like he wants to say “See you later, kid” as he always did when their shift ended and he headed home. “May we meet again.”

Jaha nods at the guard standing near by and he salutes him before pushing the red button on the small control panel near the airlock.

The universe swallows Eric Jackson whole in mere seconds as if he’s never been here at all, as if mere seconds ago he wasn’t standing saying his goodbye as if yesterday he wasn’t treating people as if weeks ago he wasn’t kissing his loved one as if, as if, as if-

As if he was nothing more but a speck of dust in their world-small, gentle, soft, but just like everything else-insignificant, fleeting.

He was there a minute ago and now he wasn’t.

Clarke cries out and collapses on the ground. 

Bellamy falls with her, covering her body with his own bruised one and trying to hold her so that she doesn’t completely break apart except there’s not much he can do to stop the inevitable yet he still tries, he always does.

They stay like this, a little pile of misery and sadness kneeling on the cold metal floor as everyone else leaves-the guards, the chancellor, all of the council members, her parents and finally Wells.

But they don’t move, not for a while anyway-Bellamy holds her and she cries, sobs, yells, screams, tosses, buries her head in his chest and even hits him with her tiny fists because of her complete and utter desperation.

And then she stops, she goes slack in his arms, she gives in and she looks up at him as he held her just like he held Gus at night before bed, something settles in her expression and it scares him because it’s void of any emotion-there’s no anger in her features, no fear, not even grief or pain-there’s just nothing.

Her eyes go empty and she leans her head on his chest.

“Clarke” he whispers hoarsly and tucks a strand of hair from her cheek behind her ear. “I’m going to take you home, okay?” he says softly, leaning over and kissing her forehead softly.

He almost mises her barely letting the saddest words out as he helps her stand up, and puts her arms around his broken ribs.

“What home?”

Chapter 22

Notes:

A/N: I'm sorry for the delay, things for me have been really hard, so I finally got some time to write this week(tho it it was for another fic) and work on editing this part! I' sorry that this chapter, again, will feel a bit cut off at the end but that's because this part was super long over 12k) and I felt like I should definitely split it. Perhaps not much happens here but there's dialogue and emotions, so I hope you won't be angry with me!

I hope you guys still enjoy this story!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

They walk back to Factory in a daze, as if they’re sleeping and not truly there.

Clarke’s absolutely slack in his arms, she can’t move on her own, he has to be the one to push her to keep going and she drags her legs behind as he grips her arms tight and walks for the two of them. 

“Come on, princess, we’re almost there.” he mumbles, lips grazing the top of her head but her face is half-buried in his chest and her eyes are barely opened-she’s in so much shock that she simply can not process anything and he doubted she was hearing anything he said to her at all but that didn’t stop him from quietly whispering the entire way to his appartment that everything’s fine, that they just need to keep going for a little bit more and they’ll get there, that he’ll take care of her, that she has nothing to worry about, that he’s there, always there-he made sure to repeat that one the most. 

The guards that stopped them at the gates didn’t take too long to process their documents-Clarke had absolutely nothing but her Alpha pass that had turned into a simple piece of paper, a big red stamp covering her photo and name with the words INVALID and under it with small lettering-due to crimes against the Ark, citizent is no longer member of Alpha station, so more or less it was useless to even carry it for the time being.

That and it seemed like most of the guards heard what happened anyway-it was the gossip of Alpha and GoSci but Factory, Farm and Arrow, thanks to Bellamy’s stunt with the small crowd in her support, weren’t falling far behind either.

There was a big difference between the eyes staring at them in Alpha and GoSci that were angry and disgusted, faces turning to the side gossiping, whispering her name and saying “That’s Abby Griffin’s daughter, she helped this doctor steal medicine, they’re kicking her out.” and the gentle soft looks of the Factory and Farm station people who had grown used to having Clarke around and suffered with her.

Everyone knew about her and Jackson, almost everyone had looked for their help before and now as Bellamy pushed forward with her wrapped around him, barely walking they all threw sympathetic looks, their faces sagged, they grew sad.

Bellamy had pushed himself to keep walking without a break until they reached Factory but once there, his leg started giving out from under him, his bruised body, the surely rebroken ribs made it too hard for him to breathe so he had to lean on the walls before making the turns to his place.

Clarke hadn’t noticed, which he was grateful for, but a few people from the station passing them by stopped briefly, patted his arm and offered support.

“Let me know if you and the doctor need something, Bellamy.” one of his Factory coworkers who lost a finger last month at a work incident, says softly.

“Hold on there, miss Griffin.” another one adds offering a quiet smile that Clarke never notices, burying her head further into his chest.

Bellamy knows they want to help and that as much as Clarke wasn’t aware of what was happening around her, her mind was still letting all of the comments sink in to some extent-both the Alpha station once, when they were passing through that and now Factories.

But he knew it probably embarrassed her or made her uncomfortable, so he pushed himself to keep walking, hurrying dow the hallways and trying to shield her with his arm around her as much as he could. 

Just when they were a few feet from their door Clarke suddenly whimpers and goes slack in his arms.

“Clarke!” he looks down on her and finds her eyes closed, her body completely, finally giving up on her. He curses and wraps an arm around her back, kneels a little so he can shove his other under her legs.

They were half-fallen by that point-Bellamy’s leg was barely functioning and his bruised ribs and back were making it extremely hard for him to support her weight. He’s kneeling on his good knee and adjusting her in his arms when he presses her forehead against his and begs whatever force was out there in the universe for just a little more strenght.

“Come on, princess, we’re almost there.” he pats her cheek and tries to get her to come back to him but she’s irresponsive-all the shock, fear and emotions must’ve finally gotten to her and her body simply gave up.

He couldn’t let his do the same otherwise they’d never make it just those few feet to his appartment. 

“It’s okay, it’s fine” he whispers more to himself than to her “I can carry you.” he promises and with whatever remaining strength he has, he pushes up.

And then falls back on his knee, cursing.

He couldn’t betray her, not now-she needed him more than she ever has before.

He scolds himself mentally to get it together and pushes again, gritting his teeth with strength unimaginable as he forces himself to push up. Once on his feet, he leans heavily on the wall but doesn’t allow himself to rest for too long-it goes black before his eyes for amoment, the exertion of it all, the pain in his body making it feel like he was being stabbed by a thousand knives whenever he so much as just breathed was taking it’s toll on him.

But he shook his head, groaned and pushed forward.

It was less then ten steps before he made it there and he finaly exhales in relief as he bangs on the door with his elbow that’s swollen from the beating too, making him almost drop her.

“Mom, open up, it’s me!” he adds, grateful that the hallway’s miraculously empty right now and nobody got to see him like this. 

He hears footsteps patting on the other side and soon enough Aurora opens up, face pale, eyes filled with worry. He hates that he made her wonder what the hell happened to him after the guards pushed them away but he didn’t really have any way of letting her know that everything’s alright.

Technically...none of it was alright, not with Clarke, anyway.

Upon seeing him carrying Clarke she steps off the door and lets them in.

“What the hell happened?” she prods but Bellamy’s focus is entirely on getting Clarke to their bed, putting her down before he passes out and she gets hurt.

“Dada?” Gus stands up from his place on the chair near the table and gives him the most scared look but again, Bellamy just pushes forward.

“I need to get her to bed.” he manages and though he sways on his feet he somehow with his last remaining strength, gets Clarke to the lower cot where they last slept together in the cold night with Gus between them and gently puts her down as he kneels by her side on the floor.

“She passed out” he tells Aurora who’s rushing by. He hears Gus jump from the chair and pat to their side too, which makes him squeeze his eyes shut for a second there-he didn’t want his boy to see all this but it’s not like they could hide it either. 

“I’ll get some water and a wet rag.” Aurora says with a curt nod, quickly assessing the situation and  deciding to leave the questions for later and do everything she can to help Bellamy now.

“We should help change her and get her in bed.” he adds and turns around to find Gus staring at him with confusion and fear.

“Dada, is doctor Clarke okay?”

“Yes, buddy, she just had a hard day and everything was a lot for her so she got very tired.” he tilts his head but doesn’t move closer as if afraid that he’ll make things worse “How about you help grandma out and bring the glass of water?” Gus was the same as him in that department-he was always desperate to help, so giving him something to do would help him forget the fear and worry.

Bellamy turns back to Clarke for a moment and pats her cheek again.

“Come on, princess, wake up.” he was starting to worry-what if she got hurt and he didn’t notice? What if the guards hit her like they did him? His hands start roaming over her head and down to her neck, her arms, her sides but he finds nothing.

“Here-” Aurora hands him a wet rag and Gus rushes back in with the glass in hand, spilling half of its content on the floor but making Bellamy’s heart clench with love “Gus, baby boy put it over here.” she points at the small metal beside drawer that Bellamy made years ago when he and Gina first moved in together and the boy carefully does so and then takes a step back looking at Clarke with worry, his bottom lip trembling.

Bellamy pushes the wet cloth to her forehead, finds her cheek somewhat burning, her pulse quick under his fingers pressed to her neck.

“Is she sick?”

“Don’t think so, she’s just in shock.” he answers Aurora “Come on, princess, come back to us.” he begs, patting her cheek and carefully shaking her. For a moment he started spiraling-what if she needed help, what if he had to get her a doctor? How could he? There was no one now that Jackson was dead and she was like this. She could never go to Alpha because she was kicked out-what would he do? What would he-

And then her eyelids flutter. It’s the briefest of moments but then a painful moan escapes her lips and she opens up her eyes just a crack.

“Hey.” he welcomes her back “Oh, thank god, you scared me, princess.” he moves closer and presses his lips against her forehead, pushing the wet rag down and wiping her cheeks clean of her tears. 

“Bell-amy?” she chokes on her words a little and looks around.

It must all be so fuzzy for her still, she can’t make anything out and then it seems like she remembers herself and what just happened-the interrogation, Jackson being floated and her hand shoots to grab his. He squeezes it right away and when he sees the panic settle in her eyes he tries to calm her down,

“Hey, it’s okay, you’re safe.” he promises “You passed out on the way to Factory but you’ll be fine now, okay?” she doesn’t respond in any way but he sees the panic in her eyes go back to indifference and her body goes slack on the bed, her head hits the pillow and her grip on his hand loosens “Mom and I will help you change now. You should get some sleep, alright?” she doesn’t nod or say anything but she doesn’t protest either so he turns around and nods at his mom.

“Can you get her some of my clothes from the drawer, please?” he asks her and Aurora nods, getting back to her determined strut, giving both him and Clarke her most gentle but supportive motherly look. Gus, however is still standing there completely stunned and scared.

“Dada?”

“It’s okay, baby boy, come here.” Bellamy motions for him to come closer and he slowly approaches Clarke’s limp body on the bed. She tilts her head to him and tries to smile but it comes out weak and more like a grimace than anything. Her eyes that had filled with tears again are sad and her pain spills over her white cheeks. Gus reaches out and tries to brush them away.

“It’s okay, doctor Clarke, evewything’s fine.” he promises “Dada and Gus will take care of you.” Bellamy runs his hand through his hair briefly and pulls him in for a short hug. Clarke doesn’t say anything back, still being in shock making her body frozen with fear but he knows that seeing Gus must’ve helped even if a little bit.

“Okay, now go be a good boy and finish your homework while grandma and I help Clarke.”

“But I’m done with it all, dada.”

“Then watch some cartoons. Dad will set dinner later, okay?” Gus doesn’t seem to want to leave, his big heart desperate to provide any comfort and help it can for Clarke but his dad urges him to go and so he complies.

When Aurora comes back Bellamy carefully maneuvers Clarke in a sitting position and his ribs protest so hard that he winces which doesn’t go unnoticed by his mom but she’s smart enough not to say anything and just throw him a worried look.

He mouths a small “I’m fine” as they take Clarke’s cardigan off and then he ently unzips her dress.

She’s absolutely slack in his arms, leans forward to his chest because she simply can’t stay sitting on her own-she’s like a rag doll and he’s scared, he’s so scared.

He knew this would ruin her and that she has a long way ahead of her before anything goes back to some kind of normalcy but this would be much harder than he thought-she was absolutely devastated.

He throws over a shirt and his sweater while his mom helps with the sweatpants and socks. She’s freezing, shaking in his arms and very cold to the touch so he quickly pushes the blankets away and helps her settle down before covering her up. She seems like she’s about to fall pass out again but he pulls her head up and helps her take a few sips of water before she rests her head down once more. 

“It’s okay, get some rest, alright? We’re here.” he promises, his hand on her cheek, his thumb rubbing all the tears away soothingly.

The entire time they were helping her change she cried, quietly, there were no sobs anymore but she hadn’t stopped and though he knew she wasn’t much aware of what was going on, he kept talking to her just like on their way there, so she could know she’s not alone. 

She dozes off but when he tries to stand up and move away, her hand holding his grips him tightly. She may not be fully coherent but she needed him there and his heart breaks for her.

He manages to move himself up on the cot next to her feet but the effort makes his forehead sweat with pain which doesn’t go unnoticed by Aurora.

“Are you okay? Did they hurt you?” his free hand that’s wrapped around his bruised side must be a tell for her but he hurries to shake it off.

“No, it’s just my back.” he lies trying to sound as convincing as he can and it must work for the time being because Aurora relaxes against the kitchen sink but gives him a look suggesting they had to talk.

Bellamy leans down and kisses his and Clarke’s hands before carefully, slowly, with the expertise of a parent who’s put his sleeping child in his crib one too many times, slips away and stands up.

He staggers and this time it’s so hard he almost passes out himself. He hears his mom shuffle and when she runs to him, she shoves the crutch that he was supposed to use at all times but never did, under his arm from one side and grabs his other arm at the elbow.

It costs him everything not to scream from the pain he feels when her bony fingers wrap around his swollen joint.

“Mom-” 

“No, uh-uh” she shakes her head “You’re using this! We won’t be fighting about it now.” he sighs and as pouty as he is about the fact that he has to do this, he ignores it for the sake of moving on. 

Gus is pretending to be watching his cartoon but Bellamy notices that he eyes them with worry and curiosity so as they pass by the table Bellamy ruffles his hair and leans over to kiss his head.

“I know you have questions, buddy.” he picks his chin up “Grandma will help dad clean up a bit in the bathroom and then we’ll talk, okay?” Gus nods and his dad’s words seem to relax him somewhat because he leans back on the chair and focuses on the cartoon that’s being projected on the opposite wall but his gaze lingers as they move to the bathroom, looking for some privacy.

After Gus overheard his and Clarke’s fight, Bellamy’s been careful to talk about serious things or argue in his presence which is why he was glad that the planned all the peaceful actions in Clarke’s support in Monty’s and Shauna’s house.

Gus knew that something was up, Bellamy didn’t want to lie to him, but he also didn’t want to overwhelm him. He had explained patiently one evening when Gus had been asking too many questions that Clarke was in trouble because she was trying to help people with medicine which only sprung the boy to ask more and more stuff until Bellamy changes the subject and told him they’re doing something to support her.

Of course, Gus had wanted to be part of it but Bellamy had assured him more than once that this isn’t a place for kids and that it was an adult thing to handle which he hadn’t been happy about but he had the promise of seeing Clarke after it was over even though Bellamy had no idea if she’d even be alive.

But he had believed and Gus’ wish had come through even if not quite how he’d had imagined.

Once inside, Aurora carefully closes the door but not before throwing Gus one last look to make sure he’s fine while Bellamy adjusts on the toilet lid and stretches out his bad leg.

“Tell me everything.” Aurora asks leaning on the sink and gripping it with her bony hands, making her knuckles white from the force of it.

And so he does-he tells her everything except the part where the guards beat him up because he knows the last thing his mother needs is to worry about him right now. She’s already been too stressed out in the past few days because of all his meetings with the others from Farm and Arrow and though she supported him and came to his peaceful gathering as he called it, he knew it took its toll on her. As a parent, he understood her and he was extremely grateful for her. 

But he wouldn’t add to her burden, he refused to.

When he’s about done Aurora’s mouth is hanging and she slides down to sit on the chair Gus used to reach the sink and brush his teeth or wash his face. Her head falls in her hands and for a moment the only thing Bellamy could hear was the character voices coming from Gus’ cartoon in the other room.

“She watched him being floated?” Aurora says finally looking up and resting her back on the tiles “God, Bellamy, that is...”

“A lot, I know.”

“Explains why she looks so out of it, though.” she adds “Seeing someone die like this...it changes you.” Bellamy knows she’s going back to the moment his father died and though he was there and he still remembers every detail, she had pushed his head away and forced him not to look when the guard pressed the button and let him lose himself in the same outer space Jackson had today. 

“It does-” he whispers “Which is why I won’t let her go through this alone.”

“You may be in a little over your head with this one.” Aurora warns carefully. “This will be life-changing for her.”

“You forget I know a lot about loss, mom.”

“I’m not saying that you don’t, Bellamy but-” Aurora runs her hand through her hair “Clarke didn’t just watch her friend and coworker die because of her or more like...for her, she also lost her home.” he knows she’s right. Despite it all when Gina died, he still had this place, he had baby Gus and he had her-Clarke lost absolutely everything-her family, her station, her friends and her profession in a day. It was as if the world was pull out from under her and she lost her gravity.

”You said they kicked her out from Alpha?”

“They did but she has us now.”

“Bellamy-”

“Mom she’s got nothing-they didn’t even let her take her stuff. She’s got no clothes, no place to go, she can’t even see her parents for a year!” he raises his voice but just barely, still mindful of Gus being outside “I’m not letting her sleep int he goddamn hallway! She’s done so much for us, she’s family.”

Aurora raises her hands in the air when she sees how defensive he gets.

“Don’t get me wrong, I agree.” she promises “I want her to stay too, but-”

“What?”

“Bellamy, she has no citizentship.” she brings him back to earth with force unimaginable “That means she can’t receive any rations.”

“We’ll file for her to become a Factory station member.”

“Even when you do it’ll take weeks before the paperwork’s processed, you know that.” Aurora presses and he squeezes his eyes, bows his head down. He didn’t want to think about any of this, not right now, his only concern was his boy and the girl sleeping in his bed in the other room “Because of the protest we have our rations cut in half too-that means you’ll only get one at dinner and so will I. What will we do with Gus?”

“We still have two formula boxes from the ones Clarke gave us so that’ll be enough for breakfast. He has lunch in daycare and I’ll give him my ration for dinner.”

“And you’ll eat what?” Aurora counters “Are you going to starve yourself like before until you pass out from dehydration.”

“Mom!”

“What about her?” she keeps on “She needs to keep her strength, especially now.”

“I know all this.” Bellamy says trying to keep his voice calm, it wasn’t wrong of Aurora to worry about this, she was just a concerned mother “I’ll figure something out.” he moves his hand to his throbbing side “I have some ration points, I can buy bean cans from the mess hall.”

“Those points are for Gus’ birthday.”

“What do you want me to do, mom?” he counters a little annoyed “I told you, I’m not throwing her out. Clarke’s my best friend.”

“Again, I don’t want you to throw her out at all, on the contrary-she’s staying, I agree with that but you have no food income right now.”

“I’ll take on extra shifts, earn more ration points, have enough to buy cans or algae.”

“With that leg? Bellamy, do you want to kill yourself?”

“Mom, I’m doing this.”

“Over my dead body you are. You can not take on any more load than you already have!”

“Yes, I can. I have to.” he cuts her off “Clarke needs me. She spent the last months fighting for me and my son, she saved me more times than I can count and now it’s time I helped her so I will.”

“At what cost?”

“At whatever cost,” he furrows his eyebrows and Aurora sighs defeated “I’ve done it before when Gina died and I had to raise a boy on my own now I have to do it again.”

“Nobody expects you to.” Aurora reminds gently as she stands up and comes by his side, squeezing his elbow “You don’t have to take on the world on your own. I’m here too, I’ll help out.”

“I don’t want you giving away your rations or working extra, mom.”

“So you can but I’m not allowed to.”

“Yes.”

“That’s damn stupid logic, Bellamy Blake.”

“You’ve done enough, you keep doing enough-helping me raise my son, working when I was sick, you may scold me for overtiring myself but I see you too-you’ve lost weight and you’re exhausted, mom.” he shakes his head at her “I did this, I got us where we are now-I organised this protest and got our rations cut, so now I have to get us out of this mess and help Clarke.”

“At the expense of what? Your own life?”

“Mom, I won’t die from a few extra shifts.” Aurora sighs and crosses her arms over her chest pushing away a little and giving him a look he can’t quite decipher. “What? I won’t!”

“Bellamy, I know you don’t owe me explanations or any of that sort but-” she clears her throat “What is this thing between you and Clarke?”

“I told you, she’s my friend.”

“Nothing more?”

“Mom!” he warns.

“Would it be the worst thing? To allow yourself to feel like that again?” he shakes his head stubbornly.

“That’s all gone.” he insists, staring down at his feet “It’s not happening again.”

“Why not?” she counters kneeling down before him and putting her hand on his knees “Would it be such a bad thing?”

“I have other things to think about.” he insists “Gus comes first, always.”

“I get that but-” she takes a moment before she continues “Don’t make the mistake of using your son as an excuse to deny yourself love, Bellamy.” her hand ends up on his cheek and she cups it motherly, tenderly “Promise me that, okay?” he shrugs, ducks his head away like he did when he was a boy and clears his throat which is as much of a confirmation as she’ll ever get from him.

“Clarke deserves better.” Aurora furrows her eyebrows at that.

“Why are you deciding that for her?”

“I’m not. I just-” he shrugs. “Anyway-” he shakes his head angry that he let his mom get to this point, this conversation. “It doesn’t matter.” Aurora sighs but doesn’t leave before she leans over and kisses his forehead.

“I’ll go open up the can of beans we have and warm up the algae for Gus.”

“I got it, mom.” he promises standing up from the toilet lid and gripping the side of the sink much like she had a moment ago “It’s been a long day and you’ve been here a while.” he assures “Go home.”

“Bellamy, you’re tired.”

“So are you.” he sees her hunched shoulders, her ghostly eyes, her pale face “Get some rest. I need to talk to Gus anyway and I better do it while she’s still out.” 

After a few more minutes of coaxing from Bellamy and much motherly instructions from Aurora (warms the can of beans and whatever’s left of the corn one up, use some sauce, Gus loves it and make tea, you need to warm up for the night), she finally leaves.

Bellamy takes a moment to himself in the bathroom, resting the crutch in the corner, refusing to spare another look at it and slowly raises himself up, clutching the sink with his hands and splashing cold water on his face. With much effort, he unzips his jumpsuit, pulls his shirt up and when he sees the bruises and baton marks on his chest, the blue-purple dashes that looked dangerously like the night sky Gus liked to draw in his pictures sometimes he sucks in his breath and carefully threads over them with his calloused fingers. 

It hurts, all of it hurts and he squeezes his eyes shut and breathes in and out, forcing his lungs to take in as much air as they can but ending up coughing nontheless, like usually-another constant part of him now like the limping and the back pain. He couldn’t afford getting another pneumonia like last time though, not now, so he had to force himself to breathe deep through the pain and he would, he could now, because he was prepared and because he had to be strong yet again.

He soaps up the upper part of his body, can’t afford a shower, shouldn’t use whatever’s left of the hot water knowing he had to give Gus a bath later before his first day back to day care tomorrow.

Though the kid has recovered quickly in the days after the night they spent at Clarke’s he still coughed a little in the morning but it was mostly clearing out. Still Bellamy was a little reluctant to take him back to school but he knew now he didn’t have a choice-school didn’t just mean education for them-it meant lunch and an afternoon breakfast and the kid needed to eat good now, build his strength back up after his sickness.

So he washes up as best as he can, the cold water feels good against his hot burning bruised skin and he feels refreshed. After he leans his hair under the sprout and with it being cut short now thanks to Clarke, he quickly washes it up. The whole thing couldn’t have taken him more than ten minutes and thankfully Gus was quiet on the other side of the wall but he still hurried up to come back out, throwing one of the old towels over his back so Gus can’t see the bruises.

The moment he does, Gus lifts his head to him with hope and he perks up on his chair.

“Dada?”

“Hey, want to help out with dinner?” Gus nods eagerly, hops off his chair and rushes to the sink and the small stove they had. Bellamy lifts him up on the counter and asks him to take out the beans and corn from the cupboard above while he changes into a new shirt and sweater.

He checks on Clarke, who’s thankfully still sleeping, wrapped up under the covers, face buried into the pillows. She didn’t seem as if she’s cold but then again he had piled two blankets on top of her and the electricity was still on.

Gus gives him a worried look when he limps back to him and tilts his head to the side when Bellamy takes out the old frying pan and opens up the cans.

“Shouldn’t you be wearing the crutch?”

“I’m fine, baby boy.”

“But gwandma Rory said-”

“I was just a little tired that’s why I needed it but now I’m much better, I promise.” he swipes a few curls from his forehead and pecks his cheeks “Hand dad the spoon will you?” Gus loved when Bellamy let him help out with the cooking even though technically it was more of warming up the food but he still enjoyed it thoroughly especially after a long day when they hadn’t been together-it was their father-son time. 

He pours the bean can and stirs a little, then adds some of Aurora’s red hot sauce, but not too much as well as some water and then waits a minute before Gus hands him whatever’s left of the corn.

“I know you have a lot of questions, so you can ask dad now.” Bellamy prompts him, seeing as Gus was squirming in his seet, fiddling with his hands and stealing glances at Clarke’s sleeping figure. 

“What happened, dada?” his sweet innocent childhood voice breaks Bellamy, the utter confusion and worry in his eyes, the expectation that something would always go wrong no matter what and him not being in the slightest surprised by it were things Bellamy could only hope he outgrew as time passed.  “Why is doctor Clarke so sad?”

“Remember when dad told you that the Ark wants to punish doctor Clarke for trying to help people?”

“Mwhm.” Gus nods. “It was wrong.”

“Dad thought so too.”

“That’s why you twied to hewp her right?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you, dada?” Gus prompts hopefully, sitting up more comfortably on the counter, one leg bended over it and the other hanging off, swinging in its typical childish playful way.

Bellamy takes a moment to think over Gus’ question-did they help her? Or did they make it worse with their peaceful protesting? Did Wells really tell the council what had happened? He must’ve. Bellamy doubts he’d ever try to cover up an act of defience against the Ark’s rules no matter who it was done for.

But had it played a role during the interrogation? Did it maybe push Jackson to speak for her instead? He had no idea and he wouldn’t for a while as he didn’t plan on actually asking Clarke about it-not right now anyway. Maybe if she felt better some time soon he could but not today.

“I’m not sure, son. We weren’t let inside so I don’t know exactly how things happened.” Gus furrows his eyebrows and tilts his head as Bellamy adds some salt and stirs a little more before reaching for the marinated onions can and adding a few little circles just to help change the taste. “But here’s what I found out after-” Clarke screaming in the hallway and trying to break free flashed before his eyes and he gripped the spoon a little tighter “Doctor Clarke can’t live in Alpha anymore.”

“Why so?” 

“Because they kicked her out of it-it was her punishment for taking more medicine than she was supposed to.”

Gus looks down for a moment, his little hand comes to his face and his index finger pats over his lips like it did when he was thinking over something. 

“Then where would she live now, dada?” he asks next after putting his thoughts in order “She doesn’t have a home, does she?”

“Technically no.” Bellamy explains patiently “But she’ll stay with us for now, at least until she gets back on her feet and then decides she wants to find her own place.”

Gus’ face suddenly lightens up in a way Bellamy hadn’t expected.

“She’ll live with us?” he asks excited “Here? In our place?”

“Yes” Bellamy continues threading carefully. In all honesty he hadn’t talkeed it all out with Clarke but since she had no other place to go even if she tried to fight him on leaving and finding another place he wouldn’t let her, not in the condition she was in, not in a million years. “If that is okay with you, of course.” he adds seriously “If you don’t feel comfortable with her being around or-”

“No, dada!” Gus claps a little too enthusiastically “I want Clarke here! I love Clarke!” he is beaming and Bellamy’s heart softens “Gus is so happy!” Bellamy reaches over and cups his cheek fondly and Gus leans into him, reaches over with his little arms, begging to be held. He loved being held and clinging onto Bellamy like a monkey, so Bellamy picks him up with one arm and tries not to hiss at the pain in his ribs or the way his leg buckles up a little.

“That’s good. I’m happy that you’re okay with it.” Bellamy peppers his face with kisses and Gus giggles, one of those joyful little skreetches escapes his lips and he wraps his arm around his dad for a big hug.

“Coming in strong, aren’t you, buddy?” Bellamy jokes and Gus just tightens his grip.

“I love you so much, dada.” Bellamy runs his hand up and down his back as he turns off the hot plate and puts the pan away to cool off for a moment. Then he turns around and leans on the counter, allowing Gus to pull back a little and look at his eyes.

"I love you too, big boy.” he promises and then carefully settles him down on the counter again and gripping his knees “But there are some things to remember too, okay?”

“Okay, dada.” Gus nods listening carefully.

“You asked me why doctor Clarke is so sad, remember?” he nods a few times and shoves his finger in his mouth, sucking on it, mindlessly indicating that he’s hungry. 

“She lost her home.” 

“Not just that.” Bellamy sighs and leans a little lower “You remember Clarke’s friend, Jackson, right?” Gus nods a little confused.

“They worked together in the med centew, right, dada?” Bellamy nods and gives him a small smile before taking in a deep breath and hating the way that he has to continue this conversation. “He is kind.”

“Yeah, he was.” Bellamy clears his throat “Remember how we talked about mom going to the stars when you were just a baby?” Gus’ face falls and his hand drops to his lap, his eyes get sad and he shuffles in his seat but nods “Well doctor Jackson went to the stars today too.” Bellamy explains carefully, reaching over and putting his hand on Gus’ neck, rubbing the soft place gently.

”But why, dada? Was he in an accident like momma?”

“Not exactly, big boy, it was a ...sort of punishment from the Ark.”

“Like those bad people who made the bombs that we had to go see before they went to the sky, dada?”

“Yes, something like that.” Gus gets a little confused for a second and Bellamy hates that he still remembers them going to the squair for the executions even though he slept through it all. Still, it was the most discussed thing around the station for the next week so Bellamy was sure Gus heard all the kids talk about it at day care too. The truth was that as much as he tried he couldn’t protect his child from the world, from the other people or his environment as much as he wanted to. 

“But doctor Jackson wasn’t bad, right?”

“No. He wanted to help people like Clarke but the Ark wouldn’t let him.”

“So he went to stars for that?” Gus seems utterly confused now, his little brain can’t wrap around the injustice of the world and frankly neither could Bellamy’s. “Isn’t that wrong, dada?”

“It is, son, but we couldn’t do anything to stop it even though we tried.” Gus grows sad at that, his face falls and Bellamy hates seeing him like this.

“Was doctor Clarke gonna go to the stars too?” he asks with worry next and looks at her sleeping figure on the bed “Is she going to die, dada?”

“No.”  Bellamy assures voice strong as he tightens his grip on Gus’ knees. “She’s not going anywhere, I promise.”

“But she helped those people like doctor Jackson did.” sometimes Bellamy hated how smart Gus was for his age, immideately making the connections that sometimes even adult brains couldn’t process.

“I know, but the Ark already set her punishment when they kicked her from Alpha.” Gus relaxes at that but he still seems somewhat scared like when he thought Bellamy was going to die and leave him alone after the bombings “The thing is, having to see Jackson go to the stars...well it made Clarke very sad, okay?” Gus’ eyes grow big and even sadder again as he listens to his dad “She misses him very much and it will be a while before she feels better, so we need to be kind and understanding.”

“What can I do to help her, dada?”

“I think that just letting her know we’re here for her is enough, big boy.” Bellamy assures with a soft smile. His son, always the helper, always willing to rush out there and do something for someone else. It made him proud as much as it also scared him. “I’m sure she’d appreciate your hugs and all your drawings or just hanging out with her while dad’s at work and you’re back from day care, okay?”

“Maybe we can make her some tea too. Gwandma Rory says that tea warms you up from the inside when you feel bad.” he says pointing at his tummy that grows hungry as he makes his point.

“Good idea, buddy, dad will get right on it.”

“Can I help some too?” Gus perks up at that and Bellamy ruffles his hair fondly.

“Sure, but first let’s set the table, okay?” Bellamy never really forced Gus to do any chores around the house but he always made sure to teach him about manners and order, so he taught him before he started Day care how to fold his clothes when they changed for their afternoon nap, how to make his bed after, how to always keep clean, wash his face every morning and evening and brush his teeth properly.

He was almost at the point of knitting his shoes on his own too but that had been a little bit difficult so far plus it was part of their morning routine when Bell helped him prepare for his day, put him on the big metal chair after he had dressed and helped him with his shoes, jacket and hat. 

When it came to things around the house though, Aurora and Bellamy never wanted to instill some responsibility in his little brain but made sure he knew he can help out when he wants and that if they need him to pass something along or bring something to them he had to do it. 

Setting the table was a thing he became fond of recently-his grandma had showed him where they kept their only red and white plaid table cloth as well as how to put the plates and bows as well as the forks and spoons. 

“Just because we’re poor, doesn’t mean we’re going to eat like savages.” Aurora had said and he had remembered it. Plus he liked doing something for his dad too because Bellamy in his tiny head did absolutely everything else for him which wasn’t...far from the truth.

Bellamy liked watching Gus put the table cloth, walk around the metal four legged mounster that was twice his size and pull until it was properly set, he loved watching him pat back and forth for the bows, the forks, the spoons, the metal glasses and climb on the chairs to set them.

This evening he had been exceptionally careful in his work, probably because he thought Clarke would join them and he wanted to show her how good he was at it but when all was put and Bellamy dragged himself to the bottom bunk, gently brushing her cheek, she had woken up but been barely conscious again. 

Chapter 23

Notes:

A/N: Hey guys! Sorry for the delay, I have been working on my other fic and I wanted to write more of Gus before I posted this chapter.

This one is more about Gus and Bellamy's cute relationship but there's Clarke and Bellamy too. The begining of this new chapter for them.

I hope you'll enjoy it!

Your comments are very much appreciated.

You can also find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

“Hey-” Bellamy had rubbed her cheek softly and her lips parted just barely as she tried to focus on him. He had realized only when he had come over that she had cried in her sleep-the pillow was wet where her face had been pressed and she was still shivering, though he knew it wasn’t because of the warmth in the room but rather because of everything she was going through.

“I doubt you’d feel like it but Gus and I made some dinner.” he smiles softly at her “Would you like to join us?”

All she manages is a shake of her head and she opens her mouth to speak but no words really come. He slides his hand down her arm and squeezes it softly assuring her that it’s fine, that he understands.

“I get that, it’s okay.” he still voices it out in case she had any doubts as he leans closer “I’ll give him a shower later and if you want you can jump in after. Water won’t be too hot but I figured after a day like that maybe you’d feel like cleaning up.”

This time she nods, sneaks her hand from under the blankets and squeezes his wrist in gratitude.

“Mom’ll bring more clothes for you tomorrow but for now you have to be stuck with mine and there are clean towels in the shower.” he knew she didn’t have the strength to answer right now, couldn’t really, physically so, but that didn’t stop him from talking to her.

He knew Clarke needed to know that she wasn’t alone and even if she wasn’t letting all of his words sink in, that wouldn’t stop him. 

“Get some rest now, I’ll wake you up again later on.” he promises tucking her back in.

She closes her eyes and drifts off immideately-he knew that state of mind very well himself-he used to be the same way after Gina died. If his mom was taking care of Gus he could spend the entire day just sleeping, shutting off and if the kid was there with him, Bellamy fell asleep the moment the baby did. Problem was, sometimes Gus woke up crying his guts out because he was hungry or teething or in pain and Bellamy wouldn’t hear him.

He’s never been more ashamed of himself in his entire life as in those moments.

“Dada, is she not coming?” Gus asks sadly when Bellamy limps back to the table.

“No, baby boy, she is too tired to get up now.”

“But she can’t go to bed hungry.” Gus whispers and throws a look in Clarke’s direction, worry peppering his features much like his freckles. 

“I’ll try to give her some of it later, okay?” Bellamy promises and pulls his chair closer to the table before handing him his spoon and urging him to eat his bowl of beans and corn.

He had put some for himself as well but it was just for show so as not to worry Gus, he’d take a few spoons but then probably pour his ration over in Gus' bowl, knowing he’d be hungry.

“Now tell me all about your day? What did you do at Jordan’s and then with grandma Rory?”

Gus blabs on explaining a complicated game he and Jordan came up with at their place, then how later they built themselves a fort from blankets and pillows and Bellamy knows that he owes Harper too much already for taking care of two three year old boys while he was off doing god knows what. Then later when Aurora picked him up after her and Bellamy split she brought him here and apparently showed him how she sews clothes because he asked so.

“I think gwandma Rory will give me clothes for my birthday.” he keeps on as she shoves the last spoon of his meal in his mouth.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Gus.” Bellamy scolds mildly as he wipes away his face with a napkin but not before pouring his meal in the kid’s bowl before he notices. “It’ll be good for you to have more clothes, don’t you think?” Gus nods as he picks up his spoon again, completely oblivious to what Bellamy just did which he’s grateful for.

“Yeaw!” Gus agrees as he leans a little into his dad’s side and Bellamy pulls their chair closer to one another. The kid got especially affectionate at night. “Dada, I can still have my birthday party, right?”

“Of course you can. Why wouldn’t you?”

“Well doctor Clarke’s sad and Gus thot that-”

“I’m sure she wouldn’t mind it, plus we still have some time till your birthday. I hope she’ll feel better by then.” Bellamy promises rubbing his back and looking at the calender on the wall opposite of them, counting down the days till his boy’s fourth.

Every night after dinner Bellamy lift Gus to his shoulders or in his arms, handed him a pencil and together they crossed out another day which always made the kid very excited.

Gus nods in agreement and moves up on his feet, empty spoon in hand.

“And can I still have all my friends come?” he asks worriedly “Jordan, Peter, Evan, Kevin and Dawcy?”

“Of course you can.” Bellamy promises patting his back “Dad has all the ration points saved for the party like he promised.”

“And we can have cupcakes too?”

“Absolutely. Dad thinks he can even get some of those nice candies from Farm.”

“With the different taste and the blowing mist ones?” Gus claps excitedly with the spoon still in his hand.

“And the coloring tongue lollipops too.” Gus squeaks happily and throws himself in his dad’s arms, squeezing his neck tightly and Bellamy tries to swallow his groan from the pain in his body once again.

“Dada, I love you so so SO much!” Bellamy chuckles and rubs his back softly.

“I love you too, big boy.”

“You’re still not going to tell me what your present is?” he asks when he pulls away, he’s been prodding Bellamy for the past month. 

“That’s why it’s called a surprise, Gus.” he moves a few curls from his forehead and kisses his cheek. He had at least bought that and hidden it already, so he wouldn’t have to worry if the rations will be enough.

But he had no way of bringing food to the table except for his one meager ration and one look at Clarke’s softly cuddled figure on the bed reminds him he had to find a solution. 

“Come on now, I want you to finish your meal, so we can clean you up.”

“But dada, I don’t want to shower!”

“Too bad, you have school tomorrow and you need to be all clean for that.” Gus pouts a little when he sits back down and picks up his beans again. “You think your mom would’ve liked me if I stank?”

“No, dada.”

“That’s right. If I hadn’t showered, she would’ve never danced with me, we would’ve never fallen in love and you wouldn’t be here.” he looks up with his big brown eyes. “And dad would’ve been sad. So you see, it’s all connected.” Gus contemplates for a while on his words and Bellamy loves seeing him like this, little eyebrows furrowed, stopping here and there interrupting his meal to pat his cheek with his index finger and think over what he’s just heard-the kid was smart, nobody could deny that, but he was also the most adorable.

He’s quiet and a little sad when Bellamy finally gets him to the bathroom. He fills the small sink with warm water, mixes it with some cold one and picks him up.

“Dada-” Gus has his tiny arms wrapped around his neck and he’s so cute in all his naked baby glory but he always was reluctant to get in the water and Bellamy would have to coax him for at least five minutes before he dipped him up. “Is cold!”

“It’s not cold, dad warmed it up, I promise.”

“No.” Gus shakes his head “No, dada!” Bellamy carefully moves him down to the full sink, tries to get his foot to test it but Gus just climbs up higher, throws his leg over his shoudler and wraps his hands around his head.

“Baby boy, dad can’t see like this, come on now.”

“Dada, pwease, Gus is cold!”

“Well if you get in here it’ll be warm, I promise.” Bellamy hated that he was so afraid of this because in the past there were many times when the water was indeed very cold and Gus got a fear from it, hating the way it feels. 

“This not like Clarke’s bad tub! It’s cold.” Gus exclaims “Pwease, dada.”

“Okay, look, look-” Bellamy moves his tiny arm away from his eyes so he can see and moves his hand up for Gus before dipping it in the water with ease and then placing it on his foot. “See? Warm?” Gus squirms a little at first, but when he figures his dad’s not lying and the water’s really warm he softens a little “Come on now, climb down.”

“Dada-”

“Has dad ever lied to you? Has dad ever hurt you?” Bellamy asks and Gus shakes his head looking down from hanging over Bellamy’s head, he was wrapped up on his shoulders and his upper body was resting over him like a cat sitting on a shelf over the fireplace. 

“So then come down here before the water really gets cold.” Gus whimpers adorably as he carefully peels himself off Bellamy’s neck but even as he slides down, he wraps his tiny arms around his dad’s and refuses to let go. 

“Come on now, you can do this, I know you can.” Bellamy urges him patting his naked back in quiet support “What do we say, huh?”

“We are Blakes.” Gus mumbles squeezing his eyes shut “We’re stwong!”

“That’s right.” he kisses his nose and rubs his forehead against Gus, their tiny curls messing in with each other creating a quiet little brown storm above their eyes “Take a deep breath, dad will dip you in.” Gus nods, sucks in a deep breath and squeezes his nose before Bellamy carefully but fastly dips him in the warm water all the way through, wetting his hair too before pulling him back up and sitting him down.

Gus chuckles now, shakes his head and tiny droplets fall on Bellamy’s face as he picks up the soap and the sponge. 

“Come on now, dad will do yout hair, you scrub your arms and legs.”

“Awkay, dada.”

“See, wasn’t scary, right?” Gus shakes his head as he rubs the sponge over his arms while Bellamy shampoos his hair, he’s cute like this, washing himself up and talking to himself

“Now the left hand...then the wait hand, the chest-” he pats himself up “down to the tummy.” he’d stop look up at Bellamy who’s kind of indulging himself with his hair, rubbing it clean but also playing with it a little, forming it as a mohawk making them both laugh when Gus turns to the mirror and sees himself.

“Another one, dada!” Bellamy swipes it away to the side like a good Alpha boy, then makes pigtails for him, then ruffles it all over. Gus laughs all through and Bellamy thinks that yes they’re poor, he’s bathing in the sink in a barely warm water but he’s happy, he’s healthy and they had each other.

And now Clarke too.

Soon enough Bellamy pulls him out and wraps him in a towel, drying him as best as he can.

Gus liked being naked, running around the house like that, feeling free and making a fool of himself just to cheer his dad up sometimes but now he knows he shouldn’t be too loud because of Clarke, so instead he puts his PJs up while Bellamy dries his hair with the towel and combs it carefully.

Gus coughs just a little bit, remains of his sickness that’s already pretty much gone but Bellamy still lifts him up and carefully limps back to their only room as he supports himself on the wall and the other furnature so as not to pass out.

“Are you sure you’ll be good for school tomorrow, buddy?”

“Mwhm!” Gus promises “Gus is excaitid.”

“But do you hurt?” Bellamy asks placing him on his tiny bed that was pressed head-to-head with the bunk one Bellamy used. Gus’ feet swing off of it and he looks around a little sad and scared.

It’s been a while since he slept on his own with him being so scared for his dad, then the sickness or the nightmares he had after the bombings, Bellamy would usually move him in the middle of the night or he’d wake himself and climb up next to him until Bellamy just started going to bed with him because it was too cold.

But the past few days had been okay and the electricity stopped at around midnight another extention of chancellor Jaha as an attempt to tame Factory's anger, so if he piled up enough blankets on him, Gus would be warm enough.

He’d still probably wake up and check on him a couple of times, he always did and if it was too cold he’d take him in but he also wanted him to get used to sleeping on his own again.

“Does your chest hurt? Do you feel feverish?” he touches his forehead and of course finds it cold, then taps his chest and Gus looks down at his dad’s big hand on his tiny body.

“Nothing huwts, dada.” Gus promises. “Gus wanna go to school, be with his fwiends, see Dawcy.”

“And study too, right?” Bellamy says raising an eyebrow.

“Mwhm.”

“Okay, but if you feel bad I want you to tell miss Karen, so dad or grandma can come pick you up early.”

“Awkay.” he promises then looks back at his bed “Do I gotta sweep here?”

“Yes.” Bellamy insists, pulling the blankets away “You’re a big boy now, just a week until your birthday and big boys sleep in their own beds, right?”

“But dada-”

“Gus” Bellamy says carefully “There’s nothing to be afraid of. Dad’s right here” he points at the bunk bed bed board pressed to Gus’ cot “And so is doctor Clarke. You’re not alone.”

“Can you lay down with me until I fall, dada?”

“Of course.”

“Will you tell Gus a story?”

“We can read some from Anne again if you want? It’s been a while since we did.” Gus claps his hands excitedly.

“Yeah, dada! I miss Anne.”

“Okay then, let me get it for you.” he gets up and limps carefully to the shelf with the few books they had there that Bellamy constantly traded so he could get more and read Gus as much as he could.

He picks the thick rimmed black glasses that he only used when he was reading to Gus and that were broken in the middle, held together by some medicine tape.

The left glass was cracked at the left upper corner which was bad because that was his more fucked up eye. Sometimes he’d need to shove the book all the way up to his face to read a word he couldn’t catch. Gus would look at him curiously and ask if he’s alright.

He didn’t know how to answer, so he made up a joke about not being smart enough to read what’s written that Gus would never buy.

In the kid’s eyes his dad was the smartest.

On his way back to the small cot, Bellamy checks on Clarke and finds her still out so he carefully slips next to his boy as small as the bed is and picks up from where they left off.

Gus snuggles close to his chest and watches as he reads thоugh he doesn’t understand the words yet. Still, he stays awake till Bellamy finishes the chapter much to his suprirse and though his eyes are drooping, he looks up at his dad and says softly.

“Dada, if you never got mom to dance with you...and Gus...wasn’t here...do you think...you’d be in so much pain?” his question makes Bellamy’s body freeze, his heart skip a beat.

“What?” he says confused “How did your small head come up with this, Gus? You know dad loves you more than anything.”

“It’s just...when you talked about washing up and mama...I don’t know...Gus just wondered if your leg would be okay if Gus wasn’t here.” Bellamy swallows hard and picks the kid up in his arms, adjusting him so that his little body is sprayed all over his bruised one, hidden by his ragged t-shirt and his old stretched out sweater.

“Gus, you know that we don’t have control over the things that happen to us, right?” Gus’ too confused to understand what Bellamy means so he just stares at him with his big brown eyes “You being in my life has nothing to do with my pain, alright? I’m the happiest person...father in the world to have you here with me and I have never regretted it, okay?”

“So...then it wouldn’t be diffewent?” Gus asks next not letting his dad’s words actually sink in.

“What’s this really about Gus? Did someone say something to make you wonder about this?” he shrugs and shakes his head, obviously not being completely honest, so Bellamy tries to get it out of him. 

“Come on, you know you can always be honest with me.”

“I just heawd unkle Monty and auntie Hawper talk about you and how bad your leg is and that it’s hawd for you to work and take cawe of me.” Bellamy swallows hard and squeezes his eyes shut for a moment, trying to gather all his strength.

He knew that Monty and Harper surely didn’t mean anything bad by this, they were probably just talking while the kids played, not considering that they could be listening, that Gus may be thinking about their words.

He couldn’t blame them, he talked with his mom about every day stuff around the station too and sometimes he forgot that Gus was right there next to them, drawing or doing homework or watching cartoon but sometimes listening, trying to make sense of their grown up talk. 

“Gus, they didn’t mean that you’e a burden for me, they were just talking, okay?” Bellamy tries but he’s having a hard time making Gus see that he wasn’t the problem here and he was mentally punching himself in the face “They were just talking, that’s all.”

“But it’s hawd for you?” Gus says sitting up a little, his little legs thrown on both of Bellamy’s sides, the blanket covering his head slipping down just a little.

“No it’s not.” Bellamy assures, gripping his little foot trying to make a point “Taking care of you was never hard.”

“But-”

“Listen to me, Gus, when your mom got you in her tummy, when we knew that you were coming, you know what dad did?” Gus shakes his head and tilts it in confusion “He cried. Wiped like a baby. Knelt down and wrapped your mom’s little stomach in his hands and talked to you.”

“I don’t wemember that, dada.” Bellamy smiles as he absentmindedly rubs his thumb on Gus’ heel.

“You couldn’t, you were too little, it’d be months before you grew bigger and came to us but that’s not the point-” Bellamy takes in a deep breath “Dad was the happiest person on earth when he found out you’re going to be in our lives. I have never ever regretted having you, okay? You don’t make things hard for me, you’re not a bother and I don’t want you to ever think about that again, alright?”

Gus leans his little hands over and places them on Bellamy’s chest that’s bruised so he jumps a little from the touch but brushes it off for the sake of the conversation.

“You’re dad’s little star, the light in my life.” he strokes his cheek “When things are hard, when I’m in pain or when I have a long day at work all I have to think about is you and everything goes away and I smile.”

“You do?”

“Every time.” Bellamy’s eyes fill with tears and he moves up to kiss his forehead before pushing him down to his chest and running his hand up and down his little back “I love you so much, you have no idea, my sweet boy.” he swallows a little and tries to keep his tears at bay when Gus snuggles closer into him, resting his head over his heart and nuzzling his nose in his neck.

“Dada-” Gus dares again after a moment “can I ask something else?”

“Of course you can. You can ask me anything.” Bellamy promises warmly.

“Will your leg ever heal?” he asks looking up again but rubbing his eye tiredly now “Will you stop being in pain?”

Once again, Bellamy finds himself at a loss for words, he closes his eyes and tries to center himself-it’s been a really hard day-trying to help Clarke but failing, getting beaten up, then bringing her home as he barely moved and now this-his son wondering if he’s a burden to him, asking himself if his dad would ever stop being in pain?

It was a lot even for him but once again he commanded himself to breathe in and be there for Gus-the kid was scared, worried, he had too many anxieties in his life already, he suffered nightmares and attacks after the bombings. 

Most of it was Bellamy’s fault-it was enough that he had to live in Factory, deal with the conditions and the struggles here but Bellamy added to it, he brought more pain into his life because of his own pain, because of his own stubborness.

He was supposed to fight for him, to make his life better, to ease it all but instead he was bringing even more questions into his little head that wondered about everything surrounding him all the time. 

The truth was, he wasn’t being a good parent. He wasn’t the father Gina would want him to be.

“No, Gus, the doctors don’t think so.” he says slowly, voice hoarse but honest, truthful, as much as it could be. Gus face grows weary, tired, worried-all emotions Bellamy never wanted him to know at such a young age. 

“So you’ll hurt for the rest of your life?”

“I don’t hurt.” Bellamy smiles now, lifting him up a little. He knew what he had to do the moment they started the conversation “Not all the time anyway-just when I stand up too long or when I come back from work but once I sit down and rest, I’m all good and it passes.”

“Really?” Gus asks in disbelief.

“Yeah, really. Like right now being here with you, laying down, dad’s all good.” he keeps on “I just have to remember to sit down if I stay up too long so it’ll pass and I can get up again.”

“But you stay up at work a lot, you clean the hallways and you work at Factory-”

“Where I’m sitting.” Bellamy promises and this part was...mostly true.

He did work sitting lately, having just finished a big repair on one of the engines that his superior gave him as a task but sometimes he had to climb up a machine or slide under and lay down for hours trying to find the problem.

The truth was-Bellamy liked being a mechanic.

When he was a boy he dreamed of being a teacher, he always studied hard and was an excellent student but his dreams went away the moment he had faced reality-he had applied for additional coarses in Alpha, trying to get a teaching certificate but they denied him and he was forced to go into Factory where he had been working shifts since he was fifteen.

A few years later,he met Gina and then they found out she was pregnant and his choices were solidified-he couldn’t chase useless dreams-he had to support a family now, be a good husband and father and that was the only way.

With time he actually grew to like his job, he learned from some of the best mechanics in the station and he wasn’t just doing it to pass the day-his friend Raven who recently moved to work on another floor, gave him books about engineering and mechanics which he basically read in days, he’d shadow the older more experienced workers, take notes, try things their way but he also had an unique way of solving problems that everyone else couldn’t-his boss Williams said he had his own style-a little reckless, maybe even life-threatening but smart and sometimes the only option they had in fixing something so that this metal can of a ship could keep going.

Amongst his colleagues Bellamy has always been praised and always assigned the toughest, sometimes most dangerous tasks but since the accident his hours had been cut down significantly and he had mostly worked table jobs which meant someone brought a part they took off the machine that he had to fix and later put back-it was boring and he solved the issue in less than an hour. 

“Dad will be fine, Gus, I promise.” Gus contemplates on it a little then makes the barest of tiny nods and snuggles closer to his chest.

“When it hurts, do you promise to let Gus help you out?” he asks now voice heavy with sleep which Bellamy was glad for-the kid needed to calm down, get rest, the past week has been another exhausting one, with him sick and then worrying about Clarke. 

“You don’t need to help, Gus. I got it.”

“But, dada-” he insists raising himself up on his little hands over Bellamy’s chest again, swinging a little like he did when he was a baby and Gina had just fed him-eyes loopy, hands moving around, flailing disoriented. 

“Pwease, Gus wants to help.” Bellamy pushes him quickly down, kisses his head and covers them with the blanket.

“Okay, Gus, you can help.” the kid finally settles down at that, his arms hang from both sides of Bellamy’s body, his eyes droop and his mouth opens up just barely.

Ten minutes later, he’s completely out of it and Bellamy carefully slips him off his body and tucks him in. He puts his glasses away and brings in the electric blanket, shoving it under Gus’ feet and half of his back, turning it on.

He had to get new batteries for that one especially if the kid was going to sleep on his own more, at least this way Bellamy was certain that he wouldn’t be cold even when the electricity was out.

The perfect scenario would be if he could buy another one, or even two more- one more for Gus and one for Clarke who he was sure was freezing now.

Then again it’d be nice if he could take one to his mom as well.

He shakes his head and takes out a small list from his back pocket as well as a tiny pencil, scratching down with his ugly block letters “More electric blankets”.

It was a long thing that he carried around almost everywhere with him-it was his wish list-things he wanted to buy one day when he had enough ration points or things he prioritized when he could afford to put some points aside and get them or things he had to trade his own stuff for so he could bring them home.

Right now he had half of Gus’ birthday party celebration things he needed to get on it but there were stuff like-new boots for Gus, new jacket for Gus, gloves for mom, a new blanket for mom, new school bag for Gus and on and on it went.

He started a new one every month-threw the old one away, though he hadn’t scratched even half of the stuff off it and wrote a new one. Sometimes he put things from the old list into the new one but he tried his best to get at least four or five of the stuff on the list before the end of the month.

In the past two months he hadn’t gotten anything but a set of two warmer sweaters for Gus, the rest he had put aside for his birthday but he knew he could’ve done better, he should’ve done better.

He had failed at that too.

Now he added-Clothes for Clarke down to it as well just when he heard some shuffling behind him.

“Hey-” she tries to smile but it doesn’t reach her eyes so he carefully limps over and kneels down “Ready for that bath?” she nods and tries to pull away all the blankets off of her but he had wrapped her up good in her caccoon so she doesn’t get sick or cold.

He smiles a little when he sees her struggle, jokes that it was all his fault but his words doesn’t seem to get to her.

That doesn’t mean he stops talking, though.

“Woah, easy there, slowly!” he warns carefully when she gets to her feet and they buckle. He throws her arm over his shoulders and helps her slowly get to the bath. The entire walk leaves her shaking and he doesn’t know if its with emotions or the fact that the room was getting cold, the radiator was barely warm anymore and electricity would soon be gone so they had to do this while they still had lights over their heads. 

When they get to the bathroom he puts her on the toilet lid and starts explaining.

“Okay, so this is how you turn it on-” he shows her how the shower works “It can get stuck, so be careful not to burn yourself, alright? I have it fixed right up now so you better not touch it.” she doesn’t show she comprehands his words but he sees her eyes move alongside his hands so she must be getting it “There’s a new bar of soup, it’d be only yours and if you want shampoo you have to use this one-” he waves a small blue bottle with a dolphine drewn on it as wel as multiple colorful bubbles floating around and puts it on the shelf near the handles.

“It’s Gus’ but it smells good, I promise.” that makes the corner of her lips move just barely and he takes it as a win “I brought you a towel here and I’ll go get you some clothes now so you can change once you’re out.” he leans on the sink heavily, feeling his own leg buckle a little under his weight but thankfully she doesn’t notice that “You have about ten minutes of hot water. Let me know if you need anything, I’ll be right out, alright?”

She manages a nod and he smiles softly before he limps to the door and hears a the barest of “Thank you.” that makes his heart leap a little in his chest.

“You’re welcome, princess.” he promises before closing the door behind himself.

“It’ll be good.” he mumbles under his nose as he heads to the stove to brew some tea for her. She didn’t eat but she had to at least stay warm and hydrated. “It’ll take a while, a long while maybe but she’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of it.” he thinks as he pours some cold water and turns the stove back on.

He has turned off one of the lamps above Gus’ and their beds so the kid could sleep soundly and left the other one near the sink and the table to save some on electricity.

Just as he’s pouring some of the tea in the boiling water he feels a sharp pain in his right side and he grips it tightly with his hand, loosing his balance for a moment and forcing his other hand to grip on the counter. 

A cough shakes him and he hides his face in his elbow as he leans forward, buckling on the counter so it could support his weight. He was used to his cough by now-it got worse in the evening and was there in the morning, another one of the things that would always be part of his daily routine for as long as he was alive but what he doesn’t expect is to cough up blood.

“Fuck.” he curses as he wipes it away with his sleeve and drags his bony fingers under the sweater, lifting it up to touch the sore place. He expects to find the source of the sharp pain on his ribs and there is some of that there but his hand takes him to his back and not near the shrapnel wound but somwhere left and lower where his kidney was. “Dammit.” those bastards did really hit him harder on the back but because of the regular pain there he hadn’t ackwnoledge it was this bad.

It’d be okay, he has been beaten up like this before when he was a boy, he’d piss some blood and cough some but it’d be fine after a week or two, he’d be okay.

He forces himself to move up and grip the side of the counter and notices that the tea is about to boil over the rim so he turns off the stove and even that movement of his arm causes him to grit his teeth.

He is about to turn around, climb up and rest for a moment before Clarke had come out when he realizes that...he can’t hear anything coming from the bathroom.

The walls were thin, usually he could hear Gus moving around when he was cleaning his teeth while he was preparing breakfast, or even peeing or washing up but now nothing came out of there.

His eyes fall on the electric clock on the shelf and he realizes it’s been twenty minutes since he left her in. She should’ve been done a long time ago, the water must be freezing.

He limps there quickly and knocks on the door, worry making his hands shake.

“Clarke-” he calls her quietly as not to wake Gus “Clarke, are you okay?” Nothing. A chill runs down his spine “Clarke, what’s going on? It’s been too long, please answer me!” again, nothing, he could hear the water from the shower beating down the tiles but nothing else, not a peep. “Okay, that’s it, I’m coming!” he warns, opening the door with a start. 

Surprising even himself he quickly limps over and pulls the small curtain away.

“Clarke!” he finds her sitting in the corner, curled up on her own, knees pressed to her chest, her arms wrapped around her small body, head bowed down, shaking, crying. “Goddammit, princess, you’ll freeze out here.” the water’s so cold, it makes him want to pull his hands away but he quickly turns the shower off and reaches for the towel.

“What did you do? Oh, Clarke-” he swallows down his groan as he carefully moves closer and kneels down to her, clothes and all, not caring if he gets wet. She must’ve cleaned up, judging by the wet soap bar and Gus’ shampoo bottle fallen on the floor, spilling but somewhere in the midst of it all she simple couldn’t keep up.

He carefully throws the towel over her shaking shoulders and puts his hands on her knees.

“Clarke, please-” he begs now near tears himself “Talk to me.” she shakes her head. Good, at least she could hear him, that was a start.

“Look at me, princess, I’m right here.”

“Bell-” she cries but doesn’t lift her head up “I killed him.”

“No, you didn’t.” he squeezes her knee as he feels his own buckle and this time he can’t stop it, he tilts to the side and leans on the wall for support, now he’s wet all over, his sweatpants, his sweater, even his socks are drenched, but he’s still better than her-all naked and freezing over.

“Yes, I did, Bellamy-” she lifts her head up and places her chin on top of her wet hands. “He took the blame for me, he wanted to protect me.”

“Even if so, he made that choice, not you.”

“I got him in this situation. They only called him there because of me.” she sobs as she rocks on her own, he thightens the towel around her naked body.

“He loved you, he wanted to protect you.” again she shakes her head feverntly.

“You didn’t see him during the interrogation, he ...he was so determined, he asked to speak before they even called him up...and before I could say anything about the...antibiotics.” Bellamy furrows his eyebrows at that.

“What are you trying to say, Clarke?” was she implying that someone forced him to speak up? That someone maybe threatened him? 

“I don’t know...I don’t know.” she says compeltely lost on herself again, looking away, eyes filling with tears once more and he decides that he won’t prod now. She needed time to think this over, let it sink in, make sense of on her own and talking about it on the day it happened, wouldn’t solve a thing.

“Come on, let’s get you to bed before you freeze over.” he struggles to raise himself up on his own and she follows, trying to support herself on the walls, gripping the towel tightly around herself now that she was a little more present, a little more self-conscious but she’s too weak and probably lightheaded too because she almost falls back down.

He makes the decision then to just pick her up in his arms, making her yelp a little in surprise but she quickly folds into him, curls up on him like Gus did too and lets herself be held. Bellamy takes them out of the bathroom, careful not to slip on something with his already unstable feet and carries her outside, back to the cots.

“Here-” he hands her a pair of his own underwear, a t-shirt, some comfortable sweat pants and a thick sweater. She’s folding in on herself, trying to cover herself up even though he already saw her naked “Do you need me to help, or are you-”

“I’m good.” she promises.

“Alright, then I’ll just...uh get you some tea.” he clears his throat but instead it results into another bout of coughs and he’s glad she can’t see his face because when he hides his face in his elbow he just spits more blood and has to clean himself up on the sink, pretending to be just washing up the cups.

“Are you okay?” she asks weakly as he grips the sink.

“I’m fine, just the usual.” he waves his hand and grits his teeth as he feels the sharp pain on his back again. “You good now?”

“Yeah, you can turn around.” she promises and when he does he finds her all dressed up and sitting, still obviously freezing as she shook all over. He hurries to bring the tea and hands her a small chocolate bar he had hidden for emergencies ages ago in case he had nothing to give to Gus, and picks up an extra towel.

“Come on, eat. I’ll dry your hair.”

“I’m not hungry.”

“You almost passed out. Again. You need to put something in your stomach.” he shoves it in her hands and makes her turn around. “Don’t be a stubborn kid, I already have one.”

“Someone’s in a mood.”

“It’s late, they’ll turn off the lights soon and you can’t go to bed wet, you’ll just get yourself sick.” he explains as he runs the towel down her hair and rubs it off the water. It takes her a moment to unwrap the bar but she manages and eats it reluctantly under his stern gaze. Then he hands her the cup of tea and though she won’t admit it, she feels much better when she takes the first sip. 

“Better?” he asks her when he sees she’s sipping on it slowly, savoring the warmth.

“Much, thank you.” she looks over at Gus’ figure on the cot, sprayed on his stomach like he usually did, drooling a little on the pillow, making her heart clench “Is he alright?”

“He’s good, very excited to have you here.”

“About that-” she clears her throat “Are you sure that I can stay with you guys? I don’t want to be a-”

“Don’t even finish that sentence!” he cuts her off as he finishes off the last of her hair and limps over the shelves only to come back with something resembling a brush “You’re not going anywhere else.” he whispers it as not to wake Gus but he says it so serously it makes Clarke turn up her head and look at him. He stops brushing her hair “I’m not letting you, okay?”

“Okay.” she whispers back and lets him keep on his work on her. She enjoys feeling his fingers and the brush carefully untangle all knots and for a moment they’re peacefully quiet until he’s done and he puts his hand on her shoulder, squeezing it tightly.

“You’re family, Clarke.” she looks up at him again, has to twist her head in an uncomfortable angle just to catch his face that’s only half-illuminated by the light coming from behind him “You belong with us.”

She chokes up on her tears again and the best she can do is cover his hand with hers and squeeze it tightly.

He pulls away the blankets, so she can hide under alll the way to the wall and starts dozing off while he changes and brushes his teeth. By the time he comes back the electricity is gone and the only source of light is the small lantern he had put near the table, in the center of the room so he can see if he needs to get up for Gus.

The entire time, though she’s dozing off, she hears him cough and when he finally lays down, he groans and she feels him rub his hand up and down his leg, probably massaging it to take some of the tension off. He thinks she’s asleep but she reaches out and takes his hand.

“Bell-” she says worry peppering her voice. He doesn’t answer right away, instead his cough intensifies and he has to move up and drink some water to quiet it down before sliding back down.

“I’m here, princess.” he mumbles as he rolls to his side and pulls her freezing body to him.

“I’m cold.”

“It’s okay, I’ll warm you up.” he promises and the moment she wraps her hands around his back and buries her nose in his chest, she does feel a little better but there’s nothing that can compare to his lips grazing her forehead good night.

Chapter 24

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all for reading! I was aiming at posting twice this month but the truth is that every time I do, I get anxious that I'll get bad comments or no comments at all (they've been lacking lately) or that people will just blame me for it being too sad, so I've been mostly writing about it and not posting but anyway that's not important...

I hope you'll enjoy this one. It changes stuff for Bellamy, it's a chapter focusing mostly on him.

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

He manages less than four hours of sleep, waking up every forty or so minutes ot check if Gus’ warm enough by sneaking his hand under the blankets and touching his foot and keeping Clarke from freezing too.

She wakes up more than once from a nightmare, doesn’t yell, at least not now but she shivers bad, bolts upright in bed and thinks she’s back at the air lock.

She whispers Jackson’s name over and over, cries, apologizes and he has to force her to lay back down before she freezes herself to death or gets sick.

He ends up mostly lying in bed, holding her tight, her head over his chest, her arms wrapped around him while he stared up at the top bunk and either thought over everything that’s happened, worried about how he was going to bring food to the table tomorrow and dozing off, having his own nightmares about Clarke being floated and him having to watch it while they beat the shit out of him, which usually resulted in him waking up coughing again.

In the morning, he wakes up early, makes Gus a bottle and lifts him up with one blanket tightly wrapped around him. He feeds him, then prepares him for day care, helps him dress up, put on his big jacket, ties his shoes and thankfully Clarke sleeps through it all probably because she was exhausted from the lack of any rest.

Just before they leave he leans down and cups her cheek, softly, gently waking her up. Her eyes are heavy with sleep and she looks so tired, sad and broken that he wishes he could just stay behind and take care of her.

He was afraid to leave her alone-what if like last night, she tried doing something, washing up or just eating and ended up hurting herself, losing herself in her thoughts, or worse-falling and passing out, hitting her head or-

No, he scolds himself mentally, don’t go there, okay?

“Hey-” he rubs his thumb under her eye “Gus and I are leaving.” she furrows her eyebrows in confusion, like she doesn’t understand what he means “He’s going back to day care today and I have a shift but I’ll be back at noon before my other one, alright?” 

“Okay...” she manages rubbing his face tiredly, eyes drooping again.

“You’ll be good on your own?”

“I’ll be...fine, Bellamy.” he nods, but doesn’t really believe her, he can’t, not with the way she is right now, so mentally and physically fucked up. 

“I’ll call in on the intercom in an hour or so, check on you, how about that?”

“You don’t have to.” he shakes his head stubbornly, not buying her tough act for a minute. “I’ll probably just...lay around here, I’m tired.”

“Good. Please eat something, I left some of the beans and corn from last night and if you need more clothes or want to change, try the drawers by the door.” he keeps on in the same spirit, instructing her what is where if she needs it and that he left a note on how to adjust the shower if she wants to take another one or how to turn on the stove, then warns her not to go out since she doesn’t have any ID yet and the hallways were still crawing with guards-the last thing they needed was for her to be arrested because of lack of any paperwork. 

She doesn’t register much of what he says, her eyes go empty and she’s almost completely dozed off when she hears Bellamy say.

“Come here, Gus, say bye to Clarke.” little boy pats over to her and she opens her eyes to find him dressed up in full gear, his blue bomber jacket, a hat, gloves, even a scarf, he looked like a teddy bear but his cheeks have a healthy blush to them and his eyes lit up at the sight of her.

“Have a good day, Clarke!” he says “Gus will be gome befow you know it!” he tries to stroke her head over with his little gloved hand “And I’ll draw you a pwetty pictuw to make you smile again.”

“Thank you, sweet cheeks.” she says softly.

“Yow welcome!” he leans over and kisses her cheek “Love you, Clarke!” her heart warms up at that and she feels better for the first time since this whole thing started.

Bellamy sends him off to wait for him at the door and she realizes how tired he looks too-he must’ve barely slept last night. She vaguely remembers waking from her nightmares, him holding her, whispering in her ear and kissing her forehead. She heard him cough a lot too and promises herself she’ll ask how he is when he comes back at noon, maybe force him to rest a little. 

“I’m sorry that I have to leave but...I have no other choice.”

“I know, it’s okay.” she nods “I promise.” he doen’t seem to believe her but he also leans down and kisses her head, before tucking her in again and standing up.

Leaving her behind, alone in their tiny cold appartment when he knew how bad she felt, was one of the hardest things he’s had to do.

He can’t help but think that at his worst, she crossed stations at the risk of being caught up, wearing baggy clothes so she could sneak in supplies and showing up fake documents at the guards just to come to him while he was doing the exact opposite right now.

He didn’t have a choice, though, he had to win rations so he could buy something from the mess hall-maybe by the end of the day he could spare enough for a bean can or something.

At least Gus was in a good mood-happy to have Clarke home, to be back at school-he hugs him goodbye and leaves eagerly with Jordan already at his tail, heads bowed close as they came up with new ways to stir up trouble for the day.

This morning he had an early start with a janitor’s shift so he headed to the closet where they kept all the rags and buckets he needed, still lost in thoughts when he hears Miller call him up.

“Bellamy, hey man! I’ve been looking all over for you!” he finds his friend leaning on the door, trying to catch his breath, dressed up in his greasy jumpsuit, identical to his own.

“What’s up, Miller?”

“Leave that shit behind and come with me.” he says still holding his side and trying to catch his breath “William’s is looking for you.” Bellamy freezes on the spot, feels the fear crawl up his spine and his eyes go wide.

His boss looking for him was not a good thing-they had already cut off his hours at the Factory which gave more rations after he got injured and he had been worried that they may completely kick him off. If they did, then he’d have no way of ever saving up any points for anything. He would barely make enough for food and that’d be it.

The world spins before him and he has to lean on the wall.

“What for?”

“I don’t know, he says he needs to talk to you.” Miller explains throwing a careful look his way “Maybe he wants to scold you for that stunt in Alpha yesterday.”

“The protest? That has nothing to do with work.”

“You know how stuff in Factory go.” Miller shrugs “Maybe he wants to give you a speech, cut in a shift or two as a slap on the wrist.” upon seeing Bellamy’s worried face he adds “I’m sure it’ll be okay, though, don’t worry.” 

“What about my janitor’s work? I have a shift.”

“He said to leave it all behind-what he had to talk to you about was more important.”

“But-”

“Bellamy, please, don’t make this harder than it needs to be man, I have to start my own shift, you know and Bryan will kill me if I’m late another hour...again.”

“Fine, fine, let’s go.” he follows Miller down the hallways to the Factory and they take the elevator up to the second floor where he worked with Miller. His heart’s beating out of his chest and he has to stop a couple of times and command his leg not to buckle and his lungs to quiet down before he catches up on him but Miller still senses something’s wrong and throws worried looks his way.

When they finally make it to Williams’ office, Miller pats his back.

“Good luck, man. I’ll see you later.” Bellamy takes in a deep breath and grabs the handle.

“Hey, boss, you wanted to see-” he’s only opened it halfway when he sees that it’s not just Williams inside, sitting on his desk, buried in paper work but...Jacapo Sinclair, one of the chief engineers in Alpha who worked on special tasks and was also good friends with Clarke’s dad, standing behind him, staring at the windowbay until Bellamy makes his entrance which is when he turns around and offers a small smile.

The contrast between him and Williams is staggering-Williams was an old mechanic, in his mid-sixties, too fat and lazy to do any actual work anymore but he had always been very kind and understanding not only toward Bellamy but everyone else too.

He had helped Bellamy when Gina died, got him extra hours to work so he could get back on his feet and he could sometimes let him out earlier if Aurora couldn’t pick the kid from day care.

But, he was still from Factory and it showed-in the way his shoulders were sagged, his features too tired, his eyes exhausted from the unfairness he’s witnessed in his life.

Meanwhile Sinclair was standing tall, dressed in a brand new blue black jumpsuit with the Alpha insignia on his sleeves and collar, the patches on his left arm almost blindingly shiny to Bellamy, sewn in with a special silver thread.

Bellamy had two patches on his arm-one with a broom signifying he was a janitor and one with a wrench stating that he worked as a mechanic.

Both were sewn in with a simple blue thread almost mixing in with his faded jumpsuit. Colors played an important role all over the Ark and Sinclair’s indicated he was at the highest level mechanic and engineer whilst the insignia on his chest showed that he had been praised and awarded by the chancellor himself.

Apart from that his hair was a mess and he had a goofy soft kind expression on his face that did nothing to ease Bellamy’s worries, though-if someone from Alpha was here with his boss, asking for him, then he was in deep trouble.

The only other time Bellamy had ever had any contact with Sinclair was when he was still a young apprentice and Alpha councilmen were visiting the station for an inspection and then again a few months back, before the bombing when he came by to recruit his friend Raven for another task.

She moved away from level two alltogether and the rare times when Bellamy had seen her she seemed more tired but definitely enthusiastic which told Bellamy she must enjoy her new assignment.

“Shit-” Bellamy curses “Are you firing me?”

“Close the door and sit down, Blake.” Williams orders and Bellamy does so with his heart squeezing in his chest, threatening to beat out and leave him fucking breathless. If Clarke had taken in his blood pressure this morning she might’ve not let him go to work at all.

Which reminded him he forgot to take the pill for that one.

Which also made him mentally scold himself because he remembred he finished them a week ago and never bought a new bottle.

Another problem for another day, right now he had to deal with this so he carefully slips in the wanky chair on the other side of Williams’ desk.

“This is mechanic first class Jacapo Sinclair from Alpha station-” Williams explains as he leans back on his chair and throws Sinclair an almost annoyed look “Sinclair-that pain in my ass is Bellamy Blake.”

“Nice to meet you, Bellamy.” Sinclair reaches over and offers his hand. Bellamy tilts his head in confusion but takes it and carefully shakes it.

“If this is about yesterday, boss, I can explain.”

“On normal circumstances, I’d love to hear another one of your bullshit excuses, Blake, but this, fortunately for you, has nothing to do with your little stunt.”

“Oh...okay?” Williams scowls again as if he doesn’t want to be bothered with this but has to and if he’s acting that loosely around Sinclair, a mechanic from Alpha who’s probably drinking his coffee with Jaha every morning, then it couldn’t be that bad.

Otherwise he’d be worried and probably a lot more nervous than he seemed.

“You’re not in trouble, we just want to talk to you-” Sinclair explains raising his hand carefully but it does nothing to help Bellamy’s worries.

“About what?” Sinclair crosses his arms over his chest and gives Williams a look.

“You’re right, he is impatient.”

“He’s also damn good at what he does.” Williams groans with his hoarse voice.

“I’m sorry but I don’t understand why anyone from Alpha would want to talk to me...sir.”

Sinclair smirks a little and takes out a cardboard box from under Williams’ desk, putting it on the table and opening it up.

Bellamy perks up and sees the engine he fixed last week, an easy assignment that Williams himself had brought in to him like the last ten times which didn’t happen too often-usually your boss didn’t place every task personally, there were other folks like Miller who assisted with the distribution of things or Hamilton, who was responsible for the patch-up teams.

Bellamy hadn’t thought much of it, except that maybe Williams felt bad for him after the bombs and wanted to give him easier things he could do sitting out of the goodness of his old man’s heart.

“Did you fix this engine?” Sinclair asks leaning over the table to Bellamy.

“I did.”

“How long did it take you?”

“Uhm...two days, I believe.” 

“You work half a shift each time, right?”

“Yes.” Bellamy leans back on the chair and grips the handles tightly, looking for something to center him.

“So technically you did it all for just one day?” Sinclair asks again and Bellamy feels his hands bad leg shiver-it always happened when he had been up for a while and then sat down to rest-as if it was looking for release from all the tension he applied before that.

“What is this all about? Did I mess it up? Is that why you’re here?”

“You didn’t mess anything up, son.” Sinclair explains carefully “In fact, my mechanics and engineers in Alpha wouldn't be able to fix this for three weeks.” Bellamy’s breath gets stuck in his throat “And you did it for just a day.”

“It wasn’t that hard really.” Bellamy shrugs, easing a little-so they weren’t here to yell at him then. 

“Many of the best class mechanics from my station would disagree, Bellamy.” the man says patiently “People who had studied high techn engineering and spent the Ark’s resources as it seems over nothing, couldn’t handle this task.”

“I’m sorry, but I don’t follow what’s happening here.” Sinclair sighs and comes on the other side of the desk, sitting halfway and resting his hand on his knee.

“You remember the fire from a few years ago on level eleven?”

“He does, he lost his wife there, one of my best.” Williams grunts throwing Bellamy a sympathetic look.

“My condolences.” Sinclair says and something about it seems honest.

“Thank you.” Bellamy swallows hard “And yes, I remember it well.”

“Do you know what happened after?”

“I think the guards tried to clean it up and the chancellor wants to fix the engines so we can have better electricity again.”

“Indeed, chancellor Jaha’s main goal this year will be to bring back at least one of the engines to its full capacity again so that the other stations don’t have to suffer from the loss of it.”

“You mean so he doesn’t have another terrorist attack like the one from a few months ago.”

“Blake!” Williams scolds through teeth but Bellamy feels some of his confidence return so he leans back and crosses his arms over his chest. “He’s a bit of a rebel, you’ll have to forgive him.”

“It’s okay, just proves he’s thinking differently.”

“Different gets you killed.” Bellamy spits out “Just look at what happened yesterday.”

“That’s not why I’m here.” Sinclair explains patiently, he somehow never lost his nerve even if Bellamy provoked him, in fact he seemed to be all the more amazed with the boy before him.

“Then why are you here?”

“I want to recruit you.” that surprises Bellamy so much that he feels his mouth open a little.

“Excuse me?” he looks at Williams “Boss, are you sure this guy’s okay?” Williams just smiles but he seems very satisfied at Bellamy’s reaction. As if he finally outsmarted the kid he never could before.

“Look, here’s the deal-” Sinclair explains with another soft smile “I’m in charge of a team of fifteen people who currently work on level 11 trying to get that engine started. It’s just a small group and as you can probably suspect, it’s classified-”

“But-”

“Listen to the man, Blake, then you’ll talk!” Williams scolds him in his typical I’m-too-tired-for-your-bullshit way. Bellamy felt as if the guy would smack him on the neck if he wasn’t too lazy to get up.

“One of your previous colleagues, Raven, works with us now and if you accept this offer, she’ll be in charge of you.” that makes Bellamy roll his eyes-Raven Reyes calling the shots on his work, now that would be a tough assignment. “Our current goal as I said is to start that one main engine but we’re also working on repairing the level that has been completely devastated by the fire, fix the ventilation system and patch up all the dangerous places that could send this old can in outerspace if someone so much as misplaces a screw.” Bellamy knew that because of the fire the level had been locked up, basically hermetalized so that the Ark doesn’t lose any more oxygen than it already has but he thought that even if someone was working inside, it’d be strictly Alpha and no more than a few very close to the chancellor people.

Someone like Sinclair or Jake Griffin.

“What’s the catch?” Sinclair exhanges a look with Williams before clearing his throat and speaking up.

“It’s risky.” that makes Bellamy laugh.

“Of course it is, that’s why you’re recruiting Factory people instead of Alpha-you wouldn’t want to risk your precious jumpsuit to go into that hellhole.”

“That’s not true, Sinclair works with the crew every day, I’ve seen it personally.” Williams intervenes. “It’s not about that, Blake.”

“He’s right-I need the best people on this job if we’re to actually make any progress. In fact, at first I tried it with the best of Alpha’s mechanics and engineers and a month into it half of them had given up or got fired by me for being complete morons at it.”

Bellamy thinks over his words and as much as he wants to call Sinclair on his bullshit simply because he’s from Alpha, his words ring true and honest and that has been the one thing that surprises him the most so far-not the top secret job, not even the recruiting deal, but this-a top shelf mechanic from Alpha spoke truthfully.

Then again it could be an act.

But Bellamy would be lying if he wasn’t even a little big interested in this.

“You said it’s risky” he swallows hard as he meets the man’s look again “How?”

“Obviously as I said the air’s not clean-you’ll need to wear a mask inside but you’ll probably develop a cough.”

“I already have one, so I doubt that’d be an issue.” Bellamy jokes crudely “What else?”

"It’s hot in, the machines, the engines go red when we turn on the electricity inside, you can get burned and you’ll probably need to spend long hours standing.” he exchanges another look with Williams “Now I know that with your leg-”

“That’s not a problem.” Bellamy cuts him off and Sinclair nods, figuring out quickly that this isn’t a subject he wants to discuss right now. Not with him anyway.

“Look, overall it’s not the healthiest environment and we don’t know exactly how it’ll affect you guys, but we have the best doctor from Alpha checking up on you every month just to be sure that you’re okay.” at the thought of some Alpha prick prodding him with needles, Bellamy makes a disgrunted sound and Williams laughs.

“Blake’s not big on doctors.”

“That’s too bad-you’ll need a medical check up before you start. We monitor all your guys vitals closely. The chancellor doesn’t want to lose anyone else because of this.” that surprises Bellamy again.

“So he does have a soul after all.” that cracks a smile out of Sinclair and Williams huffs.

“Blake already has enough health issues and as much as he doesn’t want to discuss them, you need to take it under consideration.” he tells looking up at Sinclair.

“I’m fine.”

“He’ll also say this over and over again and then pass out.” Williams warns despite Bellamy’s grumpy groan “I need to know that he’ll be okay.”

“I haven’t even said yes.”

“You will when you hear the payment.” Williams cuts him off again and nods at Sinclair who keeps on.

“Eight hours a day, Monday through Friday but if you want you can sign up for Saturday until noon as well. That’d be six hundred ration points a month.”

Bellamy’s eyes grow sizes again and his eyes fall to Williams-with two jobs now, busting his ass on day and night shifts he only made two hundred and thirty that barely lasted him the month. With five hundred he could buy Gus new clothes, his mom new shoes, get Clarke everything she needed to start a new life in Factory and most of all put aside. 

He could save up for Gus’ future education. Send him to Alpha one day, let him be what he wanted to be-he could pay for it all-his school books, extra lessons, materials he’d need, clothes so he doesn’t feel left out.

His heart skips a beat.

“Okay.”

“Blake, you should think it through.” WIlliams warns. “This is dangerous.” But Bellamy shakes his head and looks up at Sinclair.

“I agree.”

“Blake-” Williams tries again.

“I can’t watch my son go to bed hungry ever again, boss.” he snaps a little too hard “This stops it. In fact it does even more...it secures his future.” he grips the handles “I’ll take your offer, sir.

“Bellamy, Williams’ is right, you can take a day to think about it.”

“I don’t need to.” Bellamy assures “I’m sure.”

“Okay then...” this time Bellamy extends his hand and their shake is firmer now, filled with promise and security. “Welcome on board!”

“When can I start?”

“I can take you there right away.” Sinclair says with another warm smile as he stands up and Bellamy follows swiftly “Willaims will prepare the documents for your transfer.”

“I’m on it.” the old man promises though he seems so clearly annoyed with it “The best of luck, Blake.”

“Thank you, sir. And thank you for everything you’ve done for me.”

“Yeah, yeah, don’t get too sappy with me now, kid, go on!” Bellamy smiles but they shake their hands one last time with Sinclair already out the door. Williams pulls him in closer and whispers “I’ve talked to Sinclair and if your condition gets worse or you can’t keep standing up, we’re bringing you back here.”

“Sir-”

“I don’t care about the ration points or the chancellor-you need to be alive to see that boy of yours grow up, got it, Blake?”

“I got it.”

“Good. Now off you go.”

Bellamy follows Sinclair outside and the man once again expresses his happiness over the fact that he has him on his team now. They go to the end of the hallway and take in the elevator that’ll bring them to the eleventh floor. Once they make it there, the moment the doors open, they’re greeted by two guards on post.

“Obviously the place is heavily guarded.” Sinclair explains waving his pass at them that they don’t even stop to look at but instead salute him and throw a curious and somewhat disgusted look in Bellamy’s direction.

“You’ll have your own pass by the end of the day.” Bellamy nods as he tries to keep up with the man’s fast stride. It felt like he was always rushing to get somewhere, do something-the man was full of energy and it made sense-at his age Bellamy would probably barely be walking, it’d be a miracle if he worked at all, in fact, it’d be a surprise if he was even alive but Sinclair had none of the troubles Bellamy had, none of his injuries and he probably never would.

“This job is top secret so you can’t really tell anyone about what you’re doing here, not even your relatives, do you understand?”

“That’s not a problem.” he hadn’t planned to tell Aurora or Clarke anyway-all they’d do is try and stop him, say it’s too risky for him to do this. He could come up with an excuse, say Williams reinstated him on regular shifts at the Factory and that he doesn’t have to work as a janitor anymore.

They reach the end of the hallway and come to a sort of airlocked door. He could see that behind it there was a small door with brand new dark uniforms similar to Sinclair’s, hanging as well as small tool boxes.

“You change out of your clothes before you go in there every day.” Sinclair explains “Similarly, you change to your regular ones after you’re done.” he nods at a room to the left “Most folks wash up here after a shift, you’d find that you get pretty dirty in just a few hours.” he nods still mesmerized by the fact that the level looked a lot better than any of Factory.

Maybe they did some rennovations to the floor, made it more Alpha-like, though then again he remembers Gina always said that if she was sent to level eleven or twelve it felt like she wasn’t even in the same station anymore. Bellamy’s never been up here, he’s only worked on levels 1 through 5, he never thought he was good enough.

His entire time in Factory he always considered himself mediocre, never believed he made any progress. Gina had always been the smarter one out of the two of them especially when it came to their job so now he was...perplexed, to say the least.

“I need to take you some clothes from the warehouse and then we can go in. You can wait for me over there in the locker room.” Sinclair explains as he leads Bellamy to a place on the right that had brand new white lockers, clean grey floornig and yellowish walls. He passed through and saw that some of them were named, he saw Raven’s tag on one of the last ones in the raw, jackets and helmets as well as white masks hung from all over the place.

Sinclair wrote down his measurements, gave him a soft smile and then turned to leave but Bellamy stopped him.

“Sir, I’m sorry-” Bellamy clears his throat nervously “Is there any way I can perhaps receive any rations points today...or in the next few days as a pre-pay.” he’s never been more ashamed to ask something but he really had no other choice-on the way home he could pick just one meager algae ration that he had to force Clarke to eat since she’s had nothing in over a day.

And for Gus he had to just mix in more formula and hope that one bottle would be enough.

“I’m sorry, Bellamy, your first payment will come at the end of the week and not earlier. It’s just how it goes.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know that, I just wondered.”

“If you need something right away I can transfer some from my own account and-”

“No, I’m good. Forget I ask about it, sir, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? It won’t be a problem, I know things in Factory have been hard lately.”

“They’ve always been hard, sir, I’m used to it.” Bellamy stares down at his bad leg and starts undoing the straps of his brace, knowing he’ll have to change soon anyway “Is there an intercom I can use here, I have to call home.”

“Sure, it’s right over there, by the drawers in the right corner.” Sinclair points out to the opposite corner of where Bellamy was sitting “I’ll be back in ten.”

Bellamy sighs and lets his head fall to his hands-dammit, he had no way of bringing anything tonight unless he used some of Gus’ birthday money and he couldn’t disappoint the kid, he had measured anything to the last ration point and had to buy most stuff by the end of the week.

He couldn’t disappoint his son, not after everything they’ve been through lately but it’s been two days since he last had a ration and he was starting to feel a little dizzy. The longest he’s gone without eating was six days but by the end he was so weak he barely did his job and now he had to perform well enough if he wanted to keep this.

He forces himself up to his feet, limping to the corner without his brace as if to punish himself for not being enough by struggling even more.

When he calls home Clarke doesn’t pick up and that scares him but he tries to calm himself down with the fact that she could be doing a hundred other things like showering or simply sleeping. Maybe she couldn’t make it out of bed to get to the intercom so he leaves a message in case she could hear him ring but couldn’t answer. 

Then he calls his mom at the Factory and thankfully they’re not too swamped because her supervisor lets her talk to him.

“I need you to check on Clarke in your lunch break.”he says breathlessly gripping the side of the table before him as another cough shattered him “I can’t come home, they’ve given me a new assignment.”

“I thought you had a janitor’s shift.” Aurora asks surprised “Are you in Factory?”

“There’s been a change of plans-” he manages “For the good.” he hurries to add upon sensing her worry “I’ll tell you all about it when I get home but I need to go now, okay?” he lies and hopes he sounds convincing enough. His mom had the special kind of bullshit radar that all parents had  and she could be able to tell on him if he wasn't good enough at explaining it in a way that made sense.

“Okay. I’ll take care of her, don’t worry.” she promises and he hears the loud noises the sewing machines made behind her “Are you still taking Gus from day care?”

“Yeah, I got him.”

“What about food?”

“I...I haven’t figured that out yet.” he hears the door open and close behind him and when he turns around he finds Sinclair walking in with a bunch of clothes neatly folded in his hands. “Have to go now, mom. Love you.”

“Love you too, my boy. Be careful.”

“You too.” he presses the red button and ends the call, turning around to find Sinclair smiling brightly at him. The man seemed to truly enjoy having Bellamy on board, that or at least he was a genuinely positive person which wasn’t such a bad thing especially if someone was your boss.

“Here’s everything. I’ll wait for you outside and we can go in.” Sinclair explains placing the clothes on the bench where Bellamy has left his brace. There was a nice dark blue jumpsuit, two pairs of white t-shirts, nice new black boots, a hat, a couple of white surgical masks and a...jacket. Bellamy’s eyes go big at that-he could give it to Clarke, she had absolutely nothing right now, no clothes, no belongings but with a nice jacket like that she could be warm enough even when the electricity was off, she could walk the station with him and Gus on a Saturday off, she could...she would be warm.

“Oh, I talked to the doctor, they can’t come in right away but they’ll be here after the shift’s done.” Bellamy’s head snaps at that and he feels his heart beat fast out of his chest. The thought of anyone who wasn’t Clarke giving him an exam made him go back to his childhood days when he cried every time he had to be vaccinated and Aurora was at her wits end what to do with him. “Technically, you shouldn’t be in before you’ve been officially checked up but I think of today as more of an orientaion day so you’ll be fine.”

“I uh...I have to pick up my son from day care after my shift is there any way I can...uh not do that?” Sinclair shakes his head and all goofiness and smiles disappear from his face. Bellamy quickly realized that if the man wanted to be scary, he most definitely could command respect.

“Look, Bellamy, things here aren’t like the lower levels-if we say something needs to be done then it needs to be done, alright? You can’t sneak out or slack it, you hear me?”

“Sir, I understand, I just-”

“The chancellor gave clear instructions about the way things work here and not me or you are going to disagree with them, okay?” Bellamy manages a nod and looks away ashamed to be in Sinclair’s presense once again-first he asked him for ration points, then he tried to be a tough guy about the medical check up, he wasn’t starting this job the best way. “There’s nothing to be afraid of, the doctor’s a friend of mine and they’re really good.” 

“Sir.” 

“I’ll be waiting for you outside.” Sinclair motions at his work clothes and leaves before Bellamy can say anything but he clearly is wondering if he made the right choice with him if he was already trying to beat around the bush like that.

Bellamy scolded himself mentally as he dressed up-what was he thinking? He had to make this man like him, not quiestion him. He’d bow his head down now and work hard-the time for his rebellious acts had to be over-both Gus and Clarke depended on him now.

Chapter 25

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all so much for the nice comments after the last chapter. I have had a really hard month so far, which is why I haven't been able to post this chapter sooner, but I hope to give you one more before New Years.

I wish you all Happy holidays and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

He pep talks himself while he puts on his clothes and straps on his brace, it feels different to be in a clean jumpsuit and boots that weren’t so small they rubbed at your feet.

Sinclair was clearly pleased when he joined him in less than five minutes and approved of his clothes, happy that they fit him right in.

Once inside the bridge-that’s what they called the small airlocked room that separated the level and the actual working grounds, Sinclair gave him a pass and showed him how to get in and out of it, so that he doesn’t waste any oxygen-it was key to preserve the levels outside the airlock and the entire station-there was no room for error.

There were two guards waiting on the hallway side-they let you in but once on the bridge it was up to you to get yourself in the actual level and things had to be precise. 

“Welcome to level eleven!” Sinclair greets him once they make it inside “Once you’re in, you put your mask on right away, okay?” he instructs when they step out of the bridge.

Bellamy stops, taking in the picture before him-the place looked like something that came out of a zombie movie-everything around him was...black.

The walls, the floor, the ceiling even the three big machine engines in the middle that had people working on them were covered in black soot.

The air was indeed dirty because he started coughing the moment he made it in even despite the mask and he had to bury his face in his elbow for a moment before composing himself.

He tried to command his lungs to stop but the fact was no matter how much of a deep breath he tried to take in, it felt like he got no air at all.

This is where Gina died.

The thought hit him harder than the lack of oxygen-this is where his wife passed out on the floor, suffocated and burned to death.

His eyes water for a moment and he tries to shake his thoughts away-he had to use his head now, not his heart-he couldn’t think about the fact that he was walking on the floors where her body laid to rest for the last time.

“The oxygen levels are low here.” Sinclair explains putting his hand on his shoudler to steady him while he coughed as well, much less pathetic than Bellamy but then again he also wasn’t spitting blood last night or this morning because of the Alpha guards beating the shit out of him.

“So we have oxygen masks installed over there.” he points to the wall on the left where Bellamy sees a row of about twenty five masks hanging from what looked like a wooden white panel that too had been covered in soot. 

“You can take number 13.” Sinclair explains as when he takes him there, picks one of them and pulls down his regular mask only to hand him to oxygen one and press it to his face “You press the button here and breathe in.” he points to a red button under the number 13. Apparently everyone had their own mask if Bellamy had to judge, considering the other twelve had the same name tags plastered under them like in the locker room.

“When you’re done, you hit the green one.” he demonstrates it and once the oxygen leaves Bellamy’s mouth he coughs in again and just hopes there’s no blood to scare Sinclair away.

He hurries to put his cotton mask back on before something like this happened. 

“You  do it every hour otherwise you will probably pass out. There’s an alarm that will remind you of it in case you lose track of time.” Bellamy nods and follows Sinclair as they move towards the center of the big space.

“We measure your oxygen levels after every shift. If they’re too low for three days in a row, you’ll be forced to take at least a day off work before coming back.”

“Really?” Bellamy asks surprised.

“We take your health seriously as I said.” Sinclair reiterates on it again “And don’t worry, you’ll still get your ration points even on a day off.” he adds probably reading all of Bellamy’s thoughts and worries.

“Now I know that leg of yours gives you trouble-” Bellamy opens his mouth to say he’s okay but Sinclair just stands before him and raises his hand “Reyes wears a brace too.” Bellamy knew that.

She got into a bad a

ccident a few years ago, had a similar injury to his, which wasn’t uncommon in Factory-people missed arms or legs, limped or couldn’t hold things-it was the nature of their job. A recent study, Clarke had told him weeks ago, showed that every fourth person in Factory had a lasting injury that can not be healed so this wasn’t news. Where he came from those things were considered normal, every day reality, to Sinclair, though it was probably new and maybe even confusing-he must think Raven and him can’t really do their jobs properly.

“I will be putting you to work in a way you can be sitting at least most of the time but if it gets to be too much, I need you to tell me.”

“Sir.”

“I mean it, Blake. If you lie and something stupid happens, like you worsening your condition, I’ll bench you for a month, got it.”

Damn, he could be scary.

“Got it, boss.” Sinclair sighs, clearly seeing that Bellamy doesn’t mean it all but deciding to ignore it for the time being.

“Okay, now let’s get you to meet everyone else.” Sinclair pulls up a small whistle and blows it and suddenly everyone stops working and turn around.

Bellamy feels small. Like on his first day of school-awkward and anxious, self-conscious so he tries to gather himself and stand tall but next to Sinclair he probably looks pathetic.

That and the pain in his back makes his shoulders sag and his hand desperate to touch the painful spot. Damn those stupid guards.

“Blake! You finally smartened up, didn’t you!” Raven who he can’t recognize because of the mask at first, jumps off one of the machines and limps closer. “You look like shit.”

“So do you, Reyes.” he takes in the hug she offers because it helps him ease up a little while the others gather around.

Sinclair introduces him to the other twelve people-surpisingly seven are from Alpha and GoSci and five, well six including him from Factory and Arrow.

There was Reyes and Wick who worked on fixing one of the core engine’s functions, Neil and someone called Big Bear from Factory who slided from under one of the machines and greeted him with wrenches in hands, a boy Jasper who perked up from one of the ventilators and who was from Farm that surprised Bellamy the most-a Farmer working as a mechanic was something new, and a girl Maya who helped him and who was from Alpha but looked quiet and kind of a badass.

Then there was a blond boy and his crew of three Riley and the gorillas as Bellamy found out later was the name Raven gave them, they looked at him from above and didn’t spare a second before asking Sinclair if they could go back to their jobs, clearly unimpressed with their new coworker.

Sinclair takes him around and explains everything they’re trying to do carefully, shows him the ropes and says Raven will give him all details but the tour and explanations themselves still take about an hour which is when something like an alarm blasts through the space and Bellamy gets spooked but it only turns out it’s a reminder for them all to go to the oxygen board and strap their masks for fifteen minutes before proceeding with their work. He has to hide his mask away before someone sees he coughed blood in it but Raven’s eyes fall on it and she furrows her eyebrows.

“You okay, Blake?”

“I’m good.” he promises with a fake smile that she doesn’t seem to buy. He hopes that she doesn’t think about telling Sinclair later on-he couldn’t be the weakest of the bunch on the first day on the job.

After they’re done Sinclair gathers him, Raven, Wick, Maya and Jasper and takes him to a table in the far left corner that seemed somewhat clean up and with a better electricity above them.

“One of our priorities right now is fixing the ventilation system.” Sinclair explains spreading out a small blueprint that seemed to be done by hand and not a computer if Bellamy had to judge it. “Unfortunately during the fire we lost many of the maps of the upper levels so now Jasper and Maya are not only trying to figure out how to bring more oxygen back here but document the way things look like.”

“Where are you at right now?”

The Jasper kid, who had a pair of silly googles perched on his forehead leans forward and pats on a square in the right corner while munching on some nuts he takes out of his front jumpsuit pocket. Bellamy’s mouth waters but he pushes the thought of food at the back of his head. 

“Maya and I are working on installing a refining tube over here so we can suck out the bad air from the level, clean it up and then reroute it back in.” he explains and to Bellamy the kid frankly sounds stoned as hell but he’s also cute in the way he munches on his nuts and drops tiny bits all over the blue prints. It reminds Bellamy of Gus and melted his heart.

“Problem is, we can’t find enough space to do it-with the fire there’s been a wreck in the ventilation systems and we don’t know what goes where, so we can fix it.”

“Well that doesn’t go in here for sure.” Bellamy points out to one of the pathways they’ve written in with dark red pencil suggesting it’s a project sketch.

“How do you know?” Sinclair asks surprised and Bellamy smirks.

“Because I’ve crawled these things when I was a kid.” he explains “This will take you to level five, not level twelve and they’re their best shot at gluing this thing to an actual cleansing system that can provide enough oxygen for us all. And even then it wouldn’t be enough-you’ll need a second ventilator and then-” he waves his hand up at Jasper who passes his pencil and Bellamy grabs the ruler before he starts sketching, nose buried deep in the papers so he can see properly since he didn’t bring his glasses in “You have to go here, most probably it’d be best if you reroute under here and then up all the way to...yeah about here so you can push the bad stuff out and consolidate it here before it is cleaned up which will take hours so-” Bellamy utters before he realizes nobody’s said anything in a while.

With fear, he looks up and finds them all staring down in awe.

“Told you he’s good.” Raven says smugly, crossing her arms over her chest.

“Damn man...you’re...how the hell did you know all this?” Wick asks rubbing the back of his neck as he looks carefully at what Bellamy drew.

“As I said...I’ve crawled most of them, I know them well by now.”

“How....and why?” Sinclair asks even more perplexed than everyone else but clearly proud too.

“When I was a kid it was so I could sneak in and steal something from the warehouses to sell-” he clears his troat “You didn’t hear that part, okay?” that makes them all laugh “But later when I started working in Factory, especially as a teenager, we had to fix many of the old parts and replace them with new metal walls” he shrugs “I was the scrawniest kid, so I was the best fit for the job.”

“Good, Blake I want you to make a project map of the ventilators and then start working with Jasper and Maya on it. Reyes and Wick have their hands full with actually making a refine engine themselves so you’ll help them out when you get to that.”

“I thought I was going to work on starting the engine.” that makes the rest of them laugh again.

“Easy there, new guy. You don’t just come in here and start from the top-it takes time to work yourself up, no matter how good you are.” Raven says, patting his shoulder while he groans. Sinclair smiles through his mask but gives him a reassuring look .

“Get on it, kid.” he orders before leaving him in the company of Jasper and Maya. All three of them sit together and work on the blueprints for an hour, then Jasper actually takes him to the vents and he climbs the ladder all the way up before carefully sliding in.

Sinclair was right-it was hot in here, too hot, he started sweating the moment he pushed in and he couldn’t take off his jumpsuit without risking his shirt wrinking up and showing all the bruises on his back, chest or arms, so he had to take it.

He couldn’t hide his cough though, that was bad and Sinclair noticed it but said that the first week is hard to adjust and he’ll get used to it.

Thankfully, he had no idea about the blood which meant Raven hadn’t sold him out but the looks she threw his way suggested this was a favor he had to repay and that she was watching him closely.

He found himself enjoying working with Jasper and Maya-the kid was a total goof and wouldn’t stop talking, like at all.

He asked Bellamy about a million questions in the half hour Bellamy worked inside the vents and Maya had to actually scold him to tone it down but Jasper just couldn’t help himself which only proved Bellamy’s theory that the kid was more or less a little stoned.

Raven and Wick bickered constantly but it was fun to watch them, though when they weren’t working on the refine engine they helped the Alpha crew with the main engine which made Bellamy’s heart tug with envy-he wanted to get his hands on that, he was desperate to fix it.

This wasn’t just about good ration points and securing Gus’ future-it was also about his presence. If that old thing started running again, electricity wouldn’t stop at midnight or earlier-it’d work all through the night, the boy will be warm and healthy and he wouldn’t be afraid to take a shower. Before Gus grew up and had a chance for a better life, he had to have a chance at a good childhood and this could help provide it.

An hour before their shift was over during their fifteen minutes of air as Jasper said the oxygen intake was called, he staggers on his feet and the world goes black for just a moment.

“Hey, you okay, kid?” Sinclair asks and Bellamy forces his eyes to open up again so he could give him a look but instead he just staggers again and has to rest his hand on the wall “Woah! What’s up?”

“Sorry, just a little lightheaded.” Bellamy waves his hand “I’ll be fine in a minute.”

“Maybe you should leave early today-the first few days are hard.”

“It’s not the air, boss.” Raven chimes in pulling her oxygen mask away for a moment and giving Bellamy a hard look “When’s the last time you ate, Blake?”

He groans and looks away in shame.

“Skipped breakfast, son?” Sinclair asks gripping his arm and Raven chokes out a bitter laugh.

“Try “not eating any solid food for days”, boss.” she puts her mask back on and takes in a deep breath before speaking again “Still sacrificing everything for that kid of yours, aren’t you, Blake?”

“Come on, let’s take you to the break room.” Sinclair insists by gripping his shoulder and pushing him off the oxygen wall.

“The what?”

“You’ll see.” he offers instead of an actual explanation and pushes him to the corner where the table with the blue prints was, except this time he directs him to a small niche just behind it, a corner that ends up being a small space turned room that probably used to be a hallway or a storage room of some sort.

It’s lighter in there and Bellamy sees two tables covered with...

Food.

Once again that day his mouth hangs open and he throws Sinclair an unbelievable look.

The man seems unabashed as he steps forward and grabs a chocolate cupcake from a silver trey, biting into it with hunger he probably didn’t think he felt at the moment.

Bellamy leans on the door frame-the place was covered with anything his little boy would love to try-sandwiches, bananas, apples, there was even something that Bellamy wasn’t sure how to call...was it kiwi?

Then there were all sorts of sweet stuff like scones, cupcakes and something that resembled a donut, chocolate, even candy and then two big white pitchers with what smelled like coffee. Bellamy last had some coffee three days ago and with the lack of sleep last night he’d die for some.

“Come on, eat a sandwich, I don’t want you passing out on me, okay?” Sinclair orders as he picks another cupcake, obviously the man had a sweet tooth, and patting his shoulder before leaving him behind.

Bellamy’s leg buckles when he approaches the table-so much food. They truly were treating them the best way here. It made sense, if they wanted him to fix those engines they had to be well fed and receive the best possible medical treatment but it still felt...surreal to Bellamy. 

He’s never had that in his life before.

And he couldn’t stop thinking how he has been saving for months to buy Gus six cupcakes and he came here only to see a dozen of them placed in a tray for him to eat till the last one if he wanted to. 

It wasn’t fair.

It wasn’t goddamn fair.

He grips the side of the table, looks at the door and opens up his jumpsuit-there was a big zipped inner pocket and he stopped to think for a second-if he took a sandwitch or a cupcake they’ll just melt and go to shit before he even had the chance to go home, so instead he picked up a banana, two apples a few kiwis and what he thought was carrots.

Then he stole some tea bags and a few sugar ones. There was even small plastic boxes of butter if you wanted to make your own sandwich and put on some as well as what he believes was...orange jam? 

God...if he could only bring Gus here. If he could only give him all of this.

With this new job, you can, Bellamy reminded himself, or at least you can bring some of it home.

He zipped his pocket back up, buttoned his jumpsuit and with shaky hands grabbed a sandwich, stuffed it in his mouth like a monster, hoping nobody saw how he was eating and poured himself two cups of coffee into the paper cups placed beside the pitchers.

He could’ve taken more, eaten more but he knew that if he did, he’d only feel bad, guilty, that he couldn’t offer Clarke or Gus the same, so he satisfied himself with the sandwich even if he almost wished to have some chocolate too-he could survive another day or two on that and save his algae rations for Clarke.

With renewed strength he went back to work and the last hour of their shift flew by so fast, he almost couldn’t believe it. Then they were all going through the bridge and to the locker or shower rooms.

“I’ll be waiting out here for you, Blake.” Sinclair reminds him “The doctor will be on the level in ten, okay?” he was probably afraid Bellamy may sneak out if he didn’t bring him in personally and Bellamy couldn’t say he blamed him.

But once he found himself in the locker room, he realized he had a bigger issue.

He couldn’t undress there-couldn’t let them all see his bruised body, his scars, his awfully crooked leg. The boys and the girls were separated by a thin metal screen and he found himself on one side with Wick, stoned Jasper who made a mess in the place and the three boys from Alpha as well as Neil and Big bear who were teasing each other, throwing socks in each other’s directions.

He sat in the corner and waited, he had no other choice-the best he could do is hide away the food he had sneaked in his small patchy bag and hope for them all to hurry-he was already late to pick Gus from day care and he hated the fact that the kid would wonder if he did something wrong or if something bad happened to Bellamy.

He curses himself mentally-if only he had the balls to show himself to these idiots....but he couldn’t. Nobody has seen his wrecked body after the accident except for Clarke and well Aurora but even she didn’t know all of it since he insisted on bathing on his own no matter how bad it was and only let Clarke help here and there if he needed to. 

Even then he wanted for the ground to open up and swallow him whole.

It’s another twenty minutes before they’re all gone and he manages to shower in five and put his old clothes back on. By the time he’s out of the locker room Sinclair’s pacing nervously in an almost empty hallway minus for the guards behind them by the airlock and those on the level entrance.

“What the hell, kid?” he says “What took you so long?”

“Sorry-” Bellamy shrugs when another cough shatters him and he uses the wall to lean on for support.

“Are you okay?” Sinclair asks for the third or fourth time this day and before Bellamy can use another one of his lies he answers himself “No, you’re not. But you will be.” he grabs his elbow and Bellamy swallows down a scream because he picked the bad and swollen one but like with everything else when it hurt too much he just tried to ease his body and succumb to it like swimming on your back in a sea full of raging waves.

“Come on, doctor’s been waiting for you.”

“I’m sorry, boss, I just-” Bellamy tries to apologize when Sinclair opens the door to yet another one of the rooms in the hallway and leads him in what seems like a medical examination office only for them to come face in face with none other than Abby Griffin standing by a metal cart and ordering small plastic medicine bottles.

Bellamy freezes the moment he sees her but she doesn’t seem surprised at all, if anything her stoic pose just goes a little more rigid and the way she purses her lips tells him she wants to be here as much as he does but she must’ve known.

For a minute there he wondered how and then he saw a manila folder opened up on the nearby desk with his picture on the front page-his medical file.

Well, at least one of them had a moment to gather themselves before this unfortunate meeting. It was too bad it wasn’t Bellamy, though. 

“I’m sorry we’re late, Abby, it’s his first day you know how it is.” Sinclair apologizes as he pushes Bellamy forward.

His lungs chose this unfortunate moment to betray him and he coughs again, harder than before, the sharp pain in his back makes him buckle a little and he sways to the right almost losing his balance.

“Get him here.” Abby commands and he feels Sinclair’s hand on his elbow again guiding him in the last few steps to the cot and helping him up there. “That’s good, Sinclair, thank you.” the man nods while Bellamy tries to gather himself and lean on the wall behind for support but his body slips down and he can’t help but groan a little. 

Some days it felt like no matter how hard he tried to keep himself afloat, no matter how much he commanded his body to oblige his every whim, it just simply said I can’t and betrayed him.

Problem was it chose the worst possible time to do it today.

“Abby’s the best of them and my friend, so you behave, Blake.” Sinclair warns and Bellamy’s heart warms a little-the man has been around him a day but he already knew he had to deal with his stubbornness “No bullshit and no lying-she needs to know everything so she can take proper care of you in the following months.”

Shit, Bellamy thought, that meant she was the one conducting the monthly check ups, probably being picked up by Jaha personally to do the job. He must’ve not trusted anyone else with his precious life-risking workers.

“Sir.” Bellamy manages and Sinclair exchanges a few more polite words with Abby before he leaves them be. 

Once alone, the mood in the room changes drastically and Bellamy tries to sit up straighter but he only ends up with another bout of coughs that has him buckling over. 

Her cold hands grip his shoudler and carefully push him back.

When he meets her eyes he finds them stone cold, deprived of any emotion, so unlike Clarke’s or even her father’s-so horribly empty. 

He doesn’t know how to do this-was she expecting any information on Clarke? It was only yesterday that they were there when she was trialed and kicked out of her home. She probably hated him, blamed him for dragging her down that rabbit hole but would she be stoic and cold and treat him like every other patient or would she crack and ask about her only child?

Bellamy knew that if this was Gus he’d be on his knees now begging Abby to tell him anything about his son but the Alpha medic was nothing like that. From what he knew from Clarke she had always been cold and very judging towards her, no matter what she did it was never right-she wasn’t a good surgeon one moment but then she was too good and wasting her potential the next.

Abby wanted more but Clarke had no idea what that entailed and it only worsened when she chose to take the GP path instead of staying in Alpha medbay and making a career.

“Lean back and take off your clothes.” she orders before she goes around to her black leather medical bag and picks out her stethoscope.

“Is this necessary?” he asks trying to prevent another cough unsuccessfully and hiding his mouth in his sleeve “Can you write something down and let me go-I need to pick up my son from day care.”

That seems to set her off in a way he didn’t think it would because she drops whatever bandage she’s dug out from her bag and strides to him giving him a serious look. 

“Even though I’m sure you love breaking the rules, I’m not like that. I’m here to do my job, that entails giving you a thorough examination so that I can determine if it’s safe for you to work on this level and help the Ark’s living conditions be better.” the voice she uses is so cold and curt that Bellamy feels like someone’s sending daggers his way.

“Clearly neither of us want to be here but we have to do what’s best for the people on this ship.” Bellamy swallows hard clearly embarrassed that he spoke up at all but what surprises him is her grabbing his hand and turning it up where a patch of red blood was already drying after his last cough.

“That aside, you clearly aren’t okay if you’re spitting blood, so no, mister Blake, I can’t just get this over with, scribble something down and let you go and I’m sure that if you pull less of a fight, you’d get to your son sooner than if you insist on being stubborn.” she lets his hand go but he swears he can still feel her grip on his arm “As much as you don’t like it, we all have to follow the rules, especially on this level.”

Bellamy nods and starts undressing, carefully taking off his jumpsuit and then peeling off his t-shirt.

Abby’s with her back to him when he’s down to his boxers and when she turns around he bravely meets her eyes that seem taken aback at the picture before her, the bruises that had grown dark purple now, the scars, his weakened slim body, his pronounced ribs.

But she keeps her face stoic as she comes closer and he can’t help but shiver when she puts on a pair of white gloves and touches his side. Her hands were cold, meticious, robot-like-he hated doctors in general, though he got used to Clarke examining him but she had nothing to do with her mother, that was for sure.

“Not following the rules...” he sucks in a deep breath trying to ground himself as he fingers move to check on his ribs “Is why I am alive today. If your daugher hadn’t-”

“We’re not here to talk about Clarke.” she cuts him off and presses harder on a particularly painful spot “Turn around, I need to check your back.”

“So you don’t wonder if your child’s...okay?”

“She made her choice.” he laughs a little but chokes on it and it turns into a cough “And again-we’re not going to discuss this.” she cuts him off once more as her hand moves on his bruised back “How did you get this?”

“Telling you would involve discussing your daughter.” he bits back and for a moment she’s quiet before she moves her head a little so he can see her angry and surprised face.

“This concerns your well-being, not Clarke.”

“I think they’re connected.” he manages but is quick to continue as not to piss Abby more than he already had “The guards beat me up while I was waiting for her interrogation to be over yesterday.”

Abby’s hands drop for a moment, contemplating on his words, clearly she hadn’t expected such an answer.

“I’m sure it wasn’t without reason.” he shakes his head and smiles a little to himself but it’s not like he expected any compassion out of her. “They’ve hurt your kidney, though which is why you’re spitting blood.” she continues with her exam, going back to her stone-col expression “How bad is the pain?”

“It’s managable.” he lies.

“Sharp or dull?”

“Sharp, but not constant.”

“That’s not good.” she states when she stops scribbling down his answers in her file “I should write you a note. You need to stay home.”

“I can’t.” he bites back when he covers his wound “I need to work to get ration points.”

“You’ll manage, I’m sure.” she huffs as if annoyed, probably considering him to be too dramatic.

He wondered what she thought of him, of their lifestyle, did she consider it all to be a lie-their living conditions, their lack of food? She didn’t believe him but did she not believe Clarke when she told them all about it and why she was chosing that job? 

“Your daughter won’t.” he counters and that shuts her up, makes her drop her folder “I need to work so I can bring food home. She has no way of-”

“That was as I said, her choice.”

“So you want her to starve?” she gets angry now, balls her hands in fists.

“What makes you think you know my daughter better than me, mister Blake?” he smiles “It’s been what? A few months and you think that you’re some kind of expert on what she wants her life to be?”

“Maybe I’m not, but at least I’m willing to hear her out.”

“Clarke needs to go through this, so she can get back to her senses.”

“I think her senses are right where they should be.” he counters feeling his head spin a little as his heartbeat fastens. “Clarke has a big heart and she’s not afraid to show it, that is what you’re punishing her for.”

“No, we’re punishing her for being reckless and getting involved with the wrong people.”

“You mean people like me?” it was like a match where they endlessly tossed the ball to each other, desperate to prove their points “It’s funny, considering those same people you hate are the ones that are recruited to fix this level so we can all live better, it is those same people who have been suffering for decades now, whose living conditions have been rapidly deteriorating in the recent years because of the decisions being made from those above us.”

“Are you openly critisizing the chancellor, mister Blake?” she cuts him off harshly again “You know that can get you arrested.”

He smiles and gestures at his broken body.

“Do you think I even care anymore?” he bluffed, of course he cared, he couldn’t leave Gus alone but he knew he had the upper hand now.

Abby was fighting him because she was fighting her own believes about right and wrong after what happened with Clarke. She was confused and he was only desperate to make her see things for what they were like, to make her realize her daughter’s been right to fight for him, for them all.

“Look at me.”

Abby deflates like that, leans her back to the metal table before him and rubs her hand with her bony fingers. 

“And have you asked yourself if maybe that’s why Clarke has such a strong, desperate need to be around you?” she says carefully, moving her head up and staring at his eyes with her piercing judging brown ones “She’s a fixer, she doesn’t rest until she has done everything she could and that is what makes her a good doctor, a perfect one even but it also seems that it is her curse.”

“Your daughter’s not cursed, doctor Griffin.” he contradicts her words without wasting a moment “She’s brave.” Abby seems taken aback for the first time since he made it here, like he truly shook her to her core with his words “And if you think I’m stupid to believe this has anything to do with me, you’re wrong. Clarke doesn’t want to fix me, she just wants to help people.” he shrugs “It’s as simple as that.”

She’s quiet for a minute before she shakes her head and composes herself again.

“Let’s get back to your examination, mister Blake, I doubt you want to be here any longer than we need to be.” and so he nods and this time when she approaches him he’s not afraid and handles himself well despite the pain.

She listens to his lungs and heart, takes in his blood pressure, then makes him lay down so she could check better on his back and leg. She doesn’t seem happy with any of it if her furrowed eyebrows were anything to go by but then again maybe that was just her constant facial expression.

When she’s done and he’s allowed to put his shirt and jumpsuit back on she scribbles down a prescription for him.

“You don’t seem to have been taking your blood pressure medication.”

“I’ve been out for a week.”

“Well I suggest you go get a new bottle right away, you’re way off the charts.” she doesn’t look at him when she keeps writing down “You’ve also lost a lot of weight-you need to get at least some of it back if you want to be efficient at work.” she drops her file and takes out a pair of bandages and a bottle of the yellow liquid that Clarke used on him all those weeks ago when he had been hurt after the accident.

“I’ll wrap your ribs now but you need to change the bandage every night before bed, got it?” he nods and spreads his arms so she could start on it when she was done writing “Obviously your cough is bad and if it gets worse and you cough more blood than usually I need you to tell Sinclair right away.”

“Does that mean I can keep coming to work?” she looks from under her eyebrows before she keeps scribbling down.

“Yes. But I may need to see you again next week just so be sure you’re following my instructions and not leaving it all to chance.” at the thought of seeing her again so soon he shivers but he doesn’t really have a choice so he grits his teeth and gives her a curt nod.

“I’ll prescribe you a cough syrup and for that-” she points at his leg “some painkillers.”

“I don’t need those.” he assures. “They make me dizzy and I can’t concentrate, so don’t waste your precious resources on me.” she stops her writing and looks up.

“Are you sure?” he nods.

“I can handle the pain.” he states chin high “I’m used to it.”

“Good, but I’ll need you to sign off on it here that you’re refusing them.”

“Why?”

“So that tomorrow if you pass out at work or do something stupid, it’s not my fault.” he laughs at that.

“Of course.” she hands him the chart and points at the blank space he needs to put his name and signature, he shouldn’t be surprised but he still couldn’t help but think how much Alpha personell were protected with little things like that, which would save their asses if things god bad.

“Have you ever had any x-rays done on your back?” she asks next when he’s about to get up on his feet, new jacket in hand and his small bag thrown over his middle. “Physical therapy?”

He considers joking about it but he wasn’t sure what was too much with Abby Griffin, so instead he just leaned on the bed frame and smiled sadly.

“The only treatment I ever received was from the person you floated yesterday, who saved my life after the bombings and Clarke.” he explains sadly “She helps me out sometimes when it gets bad.”

“She’s good at that.” Abby comments and he’s not sure what to make of it-was it a compliment or just her expressing her thoughts out loud.

“Yeah, she is.” Abby shakes her head and clears her throat.

“Anyway, what I meant to say is that Reyes gets physical therapy twice a week in the Alpha med center. We give her a special pass and a doctor’s note so she can come.”

“I don’t need any of that, I’m good.”

“If it comes to that it won’t be your choice-you’ll be forced to take care of it, I will need to prescribe it and do tests.” she says “Frankly I don’t even know the extent of your injury right now.”

“So let me get this straight-” it’s hard for him to stand up, he keeps coughing and somehow can’t force himself to stop now, it was indeed a very tiring day and he was on the last brink of his strength but he had to go to Gus, he had to get home to Clarke.

“Nobody wanted to help me when I was hurt, I got arrested because I was from Factory for a crime I did not committ and I bled on the floor in the Prison block, then your daughter and Jackson saved me only for me to be shock lashed by a bunch of hateful guards which again...almost killed me and now, after all of this, after floating a doctor and kicking another one out of their station for saving my life, you...are telling me you care about my life and want me to do physical therapy?” he’s angry now, angry like he hasn’t been in a long time.

“All because I am of use to you now.”

That shuts her up for a moment but she keeps her stoic face. Yet he can see that she’s at a loss of words and not sure what to say so he just commands himself to quiet his beating heart down, takes in a deep breath and slows the world-he couldn’t get angry, not after today, he had to remember to be good, to be the kind of person his mom would want him to be, the kind of father Gina would need him to be.

“All due respect, doctor, but I don’t need your help.” he finally heads to the door  but remembers something in the last moment and turns around “Despite all the bad things that happened, I’m glad that Clarke’s in Factory now. We may be the poorest, most fucked up station but at least we know a thing or two about human decency.”

He heads off and tries to close the door with a thud but she catches up to him, surprising him by calling his first name.

“Bellamy, wait!” she pulls the door ajar and he stops, turning around in an uncomfortable position that made his leg hurt from the weird angle. “Your prescription.” she hands it over, composing herself as if she was about to say something that showed her emotions but stopped herself last minute.

He lingers, just because he sees it in her eyes-that crack in her armor, that worry that just briefly passes and maybe even...guilt.

But she says nothing so he takes in the prescription, folds it neatly and puts it in his pocket.

“Doctor Griffin.” he mumbles and turns around to leave again. He’s limped just a few steps, trying to compose himself, control his breathing when he hears her shuffle behind him again.

“Will you tell her-” she breathes out just barely audible as if he’s afraid to say it out loud and for a moment he wondered if they too were forbidden to talk to her for a year like she had been, like if they’d be punished if they tried to? He wouldn’t let it pass Jaha. He turns around because he is a parent too as much as he doesn’t want to, he has to-for Clarke.

“Tell her that we...we’re thinking of her and that we...love her.”

He holds her gaze for a moment too long.

“You know that I can’t.” his head falls too “I’m not allowed to tell anyone I even work here.” Abby’s face falls but he hurries to keep on before she had gone back to her cold unfeeling self “But if you want to write her something I can...I can figure something out...tell someone slipped it to me at Factory through our channels.”

She simles and he never thought she could even do that so it frankly takes him aback a little because...well Clarke, as he found out in that moment, looked much like her mom when she smiled.

“We will. Thank you.” he shrugs.

“Thanks for the medicine.” he finally heads off and it feels strange to be leaving off this level, to show his ID at the guards, get in an elevator and go down, as if he was literally crawling back to a lower level of hell after being on an upper one where there was no air and the ground was scorched.

He shook his head-maybe he read too many mythology stories to Gus lately. 

 

Chapter 26

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all for the kind comments on the last chapter! I promised I'd post once more before New Year's so here I am! I hope you'll enjoy this one as well, it's just cute and fluffy.

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

 

Once back to the ground level, he limps as fast as he can to day care even though his body was kind of starting to give up on him.

 

The clock on the nearby wall in the small Factory square showed he was almost too late and his heart clenched-he hoped he’d only be thirty minutes past his usual schedule, not a whole damn hour.

 

Gus must be going crazy and he was already trying to come up with excuses and explanations in his head, some of which he knew he’d have to use for Clarke and his mom later too.

For his utter disbelief, when he finally makes it there miss Karen, who seems a little impatient to be the last one there, greets him and welcomes him in. Gus is not the last kid around, he can see a bunch of girls on a tiny table in the corner, giggling and braiding their hairs but his boy, his sweet boy, he spots just near the piano, sitting in a small colorful chair with a book in hand, obviously completely mesmerized with it.

“I’m sorry I’m late.” Bellamy apologizes “Got a new assignment and they had to keep me in later, so I can finish.”

“That’s okay, mister Blake, he’s not the last one.” she states the obvious but he can see she’s quite tired and probably wants to go home herself.

Before she can call for Gus though, he hurries to interrupt her, desperate to know the answer to the questions that plagued him daily.

“How did he do today?” worry peppers his voice as much as he doesn’t want it to and miss Karen must sense it because she smiles softly and takes a step back, remaining on his level instead of going in for Gus.

“Great.” she promises and she is sincere “We’ve practiced our color knowledge and he got an A on the test I gave them about the shapes and proportions. He was also very eager to practice writing some letters.” Bellamy’s chest swells with pride at that and before he knows it he feels his eyes fill with tears.

God, he knew he may look pathetic to Gus’ teacher but he didn’t care-whenever someone talked about his boy like this, Bellamy felt as if his entire being just grows sizes and wants to go in, grab him and hug his little man so tight just to show him that the world is full of love for him.

“Frankly, between us, I think he may be reading soon.”

“Really?” Bellamy asks surprised.

“I think so, yes. He’s been carefully looking at the books I read them from and trying to read some of the words himself. It’s clearly hard still but I think that he’s actually getting there.” miss Karen praises “You must work a lot with him at home.”

“I just...uh-” Bellamy rubs the back of his neck and feels the blush creep up his cheeks “I try to read to him and he likes when we sit together and practice on the letters but I don’t want to push him or anything. If he learns on his own he does, if not then when the time comes he will.”

“That’s true, he’s quite young to be at this level but I can tell you he’s doing a lot better than any other kid. In fact...I can say he’s my best student.” this time Bellamy can’t help but let a tear roll down his cheek and he doesn’t do anything to brush it away. He’s choked up on his words and all he manages is a small nod.

Just then Gus must look up from his book and spot them because Bellamy hears his loud pitched scream.

“Dada!!!!” Bellamy chuckles and despite the pain in his knee, he kneels down and picks him up, staggering a little but as always commanding himself to stay still and just hold his boy. Gus gushes in him, holds him tight. “You came!”

“I’m sorry I was late, buddy. Dada had a lot of work to do today.”

“That’s okay!” Gus pulls back and cups his cheeks with his tiny palms “Gus got to go through another book, dada.” the knot around Bellamy’s throat loosens when he realizes the kid wasn’t angry or disappointed at him. 

“Which one is that?” Gus jumps off of him as easily and as fast as he had come, pats to his chair to grab the book and runs back to his dad to show him.

“It’s about Masha and the twee bears, dada!” he waves it up and some of the pages fall off.

Most books in Factory were old and ragged, the toys the kids played with were practically falling at the seams, they had the worst conditions-the space was enromous but barely warm especially that late into the day which is why Bellamy’s glad that miss Karen remembered to put Gus’ jacket on while he waited.

He knew how hard it was for the teachers to pay attention to every child in the day care. They usually split them by stations but there were times where the kids mingled, played together, studied together and the teachers lost sight of their assigned group.

“That’s great, buddy.” Bellamy runs his hand through his curly hair and smiles “But remember, we have to treat books kindly, so other children can read from them too, come on, let’s gather the papers and put them back in.”

“Oopsie-” Gus exclaimed “Youw wait, dada, Gus wasn’t careiful.” he leans down on the floor and starts picking them up in the most adorable of ways, struggling to put them back in the ragged book cover. Bellamy helps him as best as he can but he feels that he’s at the last of his strength and wonders if they can make it back home in one piece. “ Can we read it together, dada?” he says when he’s done and Bellamy smiles softly at him.

“Baby boy, it’s not ours. We have to leave it here so tomorrow another student can use it too!”

“But dada-”

“How about you take it home for the night, read it and you bring it back first thing tomorrow, Gus?” miss Karen suggests kneeling down to their level.

“There’s no need for that, we shouldn’t-” Bellamy tries but she shakes her head.

“Please, it’s okay, I know you won’t steal it or anything. It’ll be in good hands with this little fella.” she ruffles Gus’ hair and he beams, holding the book in both hands proudly and happy that he’s receiving attention both from his teacher and his dad.

“Maybe we can fix it at home too, huh? Dad can sew it.”

“Yey!!!” Gus exclaims happy.

“Now what do we say, buddy?”

“Twank you, miss Karen!”

“You’re welcome, Gus. Promise to show dad how good you write your letter today. You practiced so hard, he needs to see it.” Gus beams again, nods happily and Bellamy sends him off ot pick his bag so they can leave.

On the way home, Gus is a little tired but he insists on walking, probably because he feels that his dad is exhausted as well, a little too unstable on his feet. The kid chatters the entire way back and Bellamy’s heart warms, his muscles relax, he feels himself breathe easier-he didn’t need to sit down or lay back to ease his burdens or his pain, all he needed was to hold his son’s hand and hear him talk, smile, explain, stumble over the words but try-it filled his heart with joy.

“Dada, do you think we can wead Masha to Clarke too?”

“Of course we can, Gus, if she’s up to it.” Bellamy reminds when they take another turn in the maze of Factory hallways “Remember that we need to ask first before we do something, okay?”

“Awkay, dada.”

“Did you draw her a picture?”

“I did!”

“Oh, yeah, what is it?” he asks thoughtfully and just then he feels the sharp pain in his back again and has to stop and lean on the wall. Gus stops too, used to the fact that his dad needed to rest for a moment sometimes when they were coming home but he still looked up with worry.

“You okay, dada?”

“Mhm, just stepped the wrong way, buddy, let’s go.” he pushes on but it feels like someone’s stabbing him with a knife back there and he drops Gus’ hand to press on the bruise-damn those guards, they really fucked him up. Again. 

“Dada!”

“I’m fine, just a second, big boy.” Gus waits but his head i turned up to him, Bellamy knows even though he’s squeezing his eyes shut trying to overgo it. He never had the time to pick up any of the medication Abby prescribed but even if he did, he knew it won’t do any good about that. He had been hoping that the bandages wrapped around him would ease some of it but so far they were doing nothing.

Once again he felt the same anger that appeared while he was talking to Abby consume him-nothing ever helped...nothing ever made it easy-it was all just pain inflicted by the same people over and over and over again.

And then Gus’ tiny arms wrap around his bad leg and Bellamy looks down.

“It’s okay, dada, I’ll hold you up.” he says and Bellamy’s world almost crumbles when he sees him there “Gus will help you get home.”

He sucks in a breath, this wasn’t fair-none of it was, but at least he had his little boy right there with him and yet Gus worried...he could see his dad was screwed up and he wanted to fix it, to help out, because that’s who he was too, much like Bellamy he always needed to help.

“I’m okay, big boy, you don’t have to do this.” Bellamy promises as he feels the mist of pain lift a little. He carefully unwraps Gus’ arms from his leg and smiles with reassurance but Gus’ eyes were still worried when Bellamy insists they kept on walking.

It hurt, but he could handle it, he had to.

“So what’s the drawing like?”

“It won’t be a surprise if I told you, dada.” Gus exclaims appalled that Bellamy was asking that but thankfully forgetting about his worries for a moment. “It’s like you telling me what present you got me for my birthday!”

“You ask me about it all the time, Gus.” Bellamy reminds and he rubs the back of his neck in confusion because his dad was right but he was trying to make a point in his little brain “Can you at least tell me what color is it?”

“Hm” he pats his chin “All the colors, dada!” Bellamy chuckles at that and they make the final turn home, chatting up all the way to their door with Bellamy teasing Gus a little about his secrecy and Gus telling his dad all about how Jordan argued with him that he can’t use the color purple for the grass.

They’re so engrossed in their conversation that when Bellamy unlocks the door and lets the kid in at first he doesn’t notice the worried chatter coming from the table, at least not before he looks up and sees his mom and Clarke standing up simultaniously and Clarke running towards him, throwing herself in his arms.

“Bellamy!” she exclaims and because he’s so surprised but also so unstable on his feet he staggers would’ve almost fell down if he didn’t remember to use his arm to lean on the door closed behind him now.

“Clarke!” he whispers when he gathers himself, wrapping his other hand tightly around her. He could feel the fast beating of her heart through their clothes, her scared panthing, her shaky hands trying to steady themselves as they gripping him “What’s wrong? Are you okay?” he glances at his mom who’s standing up frowning at him but softening at the sight of them like this which in turn makes Bellamy blush.

“We just got really worried when you were late.” she explains and Clarke doesn’t pull away, in fact she just holds onto him harder, buries her nose in his neck and wraps her hands closer to his neck.

“I’m sorry-” he rubs his hands up and down her back and sides. She’s still dressed in his oversized sweater, his big sweatpants, her hair is in a messy bun and when she finally does pull back she wipes away her tears with the sleeve and looks down almost ashamed.

“I told you I got a new assignment, I had to stay in late so I can finish planning how to fix things.” his eyes fall on Clarke and he picks her chin “I’m so sorry, I tried calling at noon but you didn’t pick up and later I just had no time.”

She nods but he doesn’t miss how red her eyes look, how chapped her lips, how her hands shake.

“It’s okay, Clarke, dada’s fine. Sometimes he just has many work to do.”

“A lot of work to do.” Bellamy corrects him and Gus thinks over his words, pats his cheek and agrees, repeating it over in his cute little way as he heads to the table.

“Lot of work to do, lot of work to do” he murmers “Remember it, Gus...lot of work to do.” he climbs on the chair takes off his bag that falls off of it in a sweet haphazard mess. Aurora’s about to scold him to pick it up when he lets out a quiet sweet “Oopsie” climbs down, picks it up and opens it, taking out the messy book about Masha and the tree bears and placing it on the table where his grandma had already set the two bowls of algae which meant she brought both hers and his ration for the day. 

“Gus, buddy-” Bellamy calls him but keeps his hand on Clarke’s back upon sensing that she wasn’t ready to let go of him yet. “What do we do first when we come home?”

“Wash ouw hands!”

“Good and also take off our jacket and boots, now come back here and put it all on the drawer, then the bathroom and then on the table-”

“Sowwy, dada, just wanted to show Clarke my book.” he apologizes as he pats down from the chair and coming closer to them, looking up with big brown eyes “Can we wead it later?”

“Let’s just eat first, buddy.” Bellamy slows him down. He knew the kid was enthusiastic about having Clarke here but she needed to adjust and it was still basically day one for her-he didn’t want to overwhelm her. 

“Awkay!” Gus agrees, a note of sadness in his voice “You should sit, dada.”

“I will.” he promises and when he does take a step forward, he staggers and if it wasn’t for Clarke’s hand on his waist he would’ve most probably fallen. Gus tries to run back to him but Aurora stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

“Dada!” 

“Are you okay?” Clarke whispers worriedly as she helps him move to the chair.

“He couldn’t walk on the way home” Gus blabs making Bellamy wince at his words just as Clarke’s helping him sit down.

“I’m okay, baby boy, go wash up now.” he promises cupping his cheek gently.

“I’ll help out, Gus.”

“No, let him do it alone, he’s a big boy now.” Bellamy stops his mom before she can head there “Just leave the door open, Gus.” the kid is happy that his dad’s putting that much faith into him but he lingers for a moment too long as if to make sure Bellamy’s okay now so he has to squeeze his little shoulder once more before the kid leaves.

He waits till he disappears in the bathroom and turns the water on before he exhales and stretches out his leg.

“I’m really sorry for making you worry.”

“We thought something bad happened.” Aurora repeats again when he reaches for his bag and starts taking the fruit out “Where did you get all this?” he just smiles and shrugs a little, refusing to give her any real explanation.

“Got lucky.” is all he manages when his mom’s stern eyes don’t leave him and Clarke looks between him and Aurora confused-she had no idea they had cut their rations, that this, everything on the table right now-two meager rations of algae and Bellamy’s fruit, was the only thing they had. And well...Gus’ formula which was just for him. “Thanks for picking my rations.”

“You should’ve called me, I’d have taken Gus up earlier.”

“May need to do it tomorrow, I’ll probably have to stay late again.” he doesn’t even realize when his hand ends up on Clarke’s leg but he figures he’s abscentmindedly covering her hand and rubbing his finger up and down the inside of her palm only when she squeezes his fingers back.

“Perhaps I can...pick him up instead?” she offers carefully “I know you’re tired and busy after work and I’m not really doing anything.” Bellamy exchanges a look with Aurora as he clenches his jaw for a second before turning back to her with a careful smile.

He was happy she wanted to get out, do something-that was a nice, even if small sign of not completely succimbing to the darkness but he wasn’t daring to be too optimistic either-it could be just Clarke trying to ignore and override-she was good at compartmentalizing as he had come to understand in the past month of wastching her work closely in Factory and it was one of the reasons why she was a great doctor but she couldn’t just push on with that one, she couldn’t just ignore the pain and trauma.

She had to live it.

And he’d be damn to let her do this to herself. If he did, he might as well just sent her back to Alpha.

“That’s really kind of you, princess but-” he swallows hard, looking down at their joined hands before continuing “You kind of really can’t do that.” he explains meeting her eyes “You need to have a Factory ID and I have to put you on the list of people who are allowed to take him or pick him up from school.”

“Oh-” her face falls at that and his heart lurches. Damn, as if she wasn’t sad enough already, did he really have to add to it?

“But-” he squeezes her bony cold fingers again before continuing “I’ll grab you some paperwork before my shift tomorrow and we can fill in a request for you when I come home. I don’t think it takes that long, so you’ll be able to go out and do anything soon enough.” she smiles at that and nods but he can see the sadness lingers “I know that you probably feel too cooped up in here already but I don’t think you should leave this place without me or mom. And even then it’s kind of...dangerous because if a guard randomly asks for your documents and you don’t have anything you will be arrested.” her face pales at that “And I don’t want that to happen.”

“No going out-” she assures with a fake smile “I got it,Bellamy.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be! None of this is your fault.” she reassures rubbing her thumb over his hand “It’s mine.” he’s about to open his mouth and protest when Gus’ voice interrupts them.

“Dada, I dwopped the soap and I can’t find it!” Bellamy smiles a little and is about to get up when Aurora’s hand on his shoulder stops him. 

“Don’t, I got it.” she still seems angry for some reason or she’s just too tired he doesn’t know but he also doesn’t want to add to her weight.

“It’s okay, I’ll do it.” he tries to stand up again but the minute he does his leg buckles and he ends up on the chair unable to control any of it. 

“That’s why you don’t let him do stuff alone, Bellamy. He’s still a kid.” she scolds mildly as she pushes him back down and Bellamy gives her a confused look.

“I’m trying to teach him, mom. He is growing up, he has to know how to wash all by himself and do stuff like that.”

“Yes, but he’s still a child.”

“Are you saying that I’m not taking proper care of him?” Aurora sighs.

“You know that’s not what I mean.” she tries to calm the situation down”I get it’s hard for you with your leg but you can’t make a boy independent at the age of four.”

“Somehow it wasn’t a problem for you to let me work when I was eleven.” he bites back and that shuts Aurora for just a moment before she tilts her head at him.

“I thought you didn’t want that for him?”

“Of course I don’t! Mom, what is this about because it’s not Gus?” he tries to make sense of it but Aurora just looks away when he asks that, clearly guilt-ridden that she lost her nerve in the first place.

“Okay, I’ll take care of him.” Clarke intervenes sensing that the situation’s boiling to a point of no return but when she herself tries to walks, she too staggers on her feet and Bellamy’s fast enough to grab her wrist and pull her back down, she groans a little, catches her head with her bony white hand and squeezes her eyes shut.

“You need to eat-” Bellamy grabs one of the bananas and peels it off, shoving it in her hand “You haven’t taken a bite in two days, you’ll pass out.”

“I’m fine.” she tries to push him off “This is for Gus.”

“It’s for you too!” he insists “Eat, princess! Now!” he orders and she takes a bite off the banana under his scrutinizing look, his fight with Aurora momentarily forgotten but he turns back to her and with his last remaining strength he raises himself up on his feet. 

“I’ll take care of my son now.” he anounces and then forces his voice to soften-this wasn’t his or Aurora’s fault-they were just on edge, tired, hungry, annoyed, he knew the signs of malnourishment far too well himself, how it could bite at your very core, make you the worst person, twist your words “Maybe you should go home, mom. You look tired.”

“No, I want ot help.” she insists and he doesn’t fight her on it, simply nods and starts limping to the bathroom.

“I’m coming, big boy!” he announces upon hearing nothing but the water run down the sink and smiles when he finds Gus completely perplexed, perched up on his little chair, hands half-soaped looking around the floor for the soap he accidentally dropped which he easily spots in the corner under the towels. 

“Sowwy, dada!” he exclaims “Gus soped his face and can’t see well.”

“It’s okay, big boy, lemme help out.” it takes him a lot of effort not to pass out when he leans to take the soap and he feels pathetic that he almost ends up on the floor but thankfully Gus is too preoccupied with the soap dripping from his hands to notice.

There’s something sweet in them doing this together, Bellamy standing behind him all broad and big and Gus’ tiny figure perched up on the chair before him. His big hands wipe away the soap from Gus' face, instruct him to rub his hands clean and helps him wash it all off.

The whole thing reminds him of when he was a boy and Aurora helped him wash, how she sang to him sometimes when she perched him up on the toiilet metal cabinet and wiped away his face just like Bellamy did now with Gus-wiping off the water, combing down his hair, taking off his dirty socks and helping him undress his school clothes.

He’s down to his underwear when he smiles at his dad and looks at his broad figure.

“Dada, am I gonna be stwong like you one day?” he asks, his little hand sprayed on Bellamy’s bicep as he helped him put on some clean clothes.

“I’m not that strong anymore, son.” he answers voice a little broken as another, thankfully shorter cough shakes his body. 

“Yes, you awe!” Gus pats his chest and Bellamy supresses a wince. If only Gus knew all the bruses covering his torso, he definitely wouldn’t think so “And you said dat stwong comes for the heart, right?”

“That’s true.” he kisses the top of his head after pushing down his shirt and reaching for his little black sweater with a tiny koala bear drawn on the left sleeve. “You’re getting smarter.”

“Because I’m also getting bigger, dada.” he says like he’s offended his dad can’t figure it out.

“That’s true, it was only yesterday dad could fit you in his arm.” Gus raises his feet helping him put on his sweatpants as he stares at his big bicep.

“Weally, dada? Gus was that small?”

“The tiniest.” Bellamy smiles when he picks up his socks next remembering how worried Gina and he had been in the first month hoping he’ll gain more weight which he did but when he was born, he was so little, so small and perfect. Bellamy almost couldn’t believe the chubby sweet kid he was seeing before him right now.

“Come on now, off you go.” he says when he finishes off putting his slippers and helping him off the sink. He grumbles and grabs his sore back at the movement but Gus is already running back to the living room blissfully unaware.

He joins him in when he manages to catch his breath and finds that his mom and Clarke had already set the table with their meager rations.

When he and Gus settle down, they all start eating or...pretending to eat. Clarke doesn’t touch anything else and Aurora stirs her algae bowl, taking a few spoons here and there. Bellamy’s mission is to make Gus eat an apple and a kiwi before having his formula and the kid asks about a thousand questions because he’s never had kiwi before and frankly neither has Bellamy. 

“Come on now, it’s fruit and you know what we say-fruit keeps you healthy, right?” Bellamy tries when he slices a small circle of it and hands it over. Gus stares at it with doubt, tilts his head and gives his dad his big brown eyes before shaking his little curly mess. 

“Gus...come on, big boy it’ll be good, okay?”

“How do you know? Have you tried it?”

“Well no but-”

“I have and it is good, Gus, I promise.” Clarke chimes in “Try it out.” Gus sighs but takes it and carefully bites into the slice.

It must be somewhat sour because he makes a face and it reminds Bellamy of when he was a baby and Gina and him had tried giving him a lemon slice. It had been the funniest thing-he had the sweetest face before he gurgled and tried to spit it out.

Later on though they figured out he actually likes it, he just needed to chew it up and take it and the kiwi situation is the same because once Gus had swallowed it, hummed ot himself and looked up at the ceiling contemplating on his thoughts he settles with a nod.

“Mowe, dada!” which makes them all chuckle. Bellamy moves him to his lap before reaching out to slice another piece but with Gus’ flailing hands around it wasn’t so easy.

“I got it.” she says with a soft smile and cuts off the rest of it, handing Gus his piece. The boy blabbers, reaches for her with his little hands and she takes him in her lap listening carefully to him as Bellamy stares at them lovingly. 

“We should get him the formula ready, you want to help?” she asks and he knows it’s her way of saying they had to talk.

It’s a struggle for him to get to the counter with her but he follows swiftly and at first they don’t really say anything to each other, just work together-turing on the stove, putting the water on and fishing for the formula from the cupboard.

“You should eat my ration.”

“I got food at work, I’m not hungry.” he says maybe a bit too sharply than he intends to and immideately regrets it “But thank you.”

“How did you get food when our rations are cut off?”

“Miller shared with me.”

“At least eat an apple or something.” she suggests but he shakes his head.

“Did you manage to get Clarke any clothes?” he asks instead, feeling that if they keep going they’ll just end up in another fight.

“Just a few shirts and some underwear but-” she shakes her head “Orders are all tight in now and the girls don’t have anything to spare.” Aurora knew some of the women that worked at the wash and ironing department.

They mostly fulfilled orders of people from the higher stations and they’d often forget to pick something up. The law said if three weeks passed and no one came looking for their clothes, they needed to go in storage and be used for recycling but instead they usually ended up on being sold on the black market.

Aurora usually traded her sewing abilities or agreeing to fill in for someone in exchange of those clothes but apparently they were just out of luck this time.

“I’ll keep trying, though.” he nods and squeezes her arm with a smile. The gesture alone makes him wince and his hand shoots for his ribs before he can remember to stop himself.

“Thank you.” he says carefully as he holds out the bottle and she helps him fill it with warm water “I’m sorry about before, I didn’t mean to burst out.”

“I’m the one who should apologize.” she sighs “I just worry, that’s all.”

“I’ll be okay, mom.” he promises as he ties the baby bottle up and gives her a small smile, trying to reassure her even though every bone in his body hurt like never before and his lungs felt like exploding. 

But he was fine.

He’d be fine.

“I just...I don’t mind you teaching him stuff from an young age, I did that with you too I just feel like you’re...sometimes it feels like you’re preparing him for a world without you in it.” she grips the side of the metal counter with bony hands “And I can’t take that, Bellamy...I can’t.”

He squeezes her shoulder tightly but she won’t turn around to face him, so he ends up pushing her to his chest and wrapping her tightly in his arms.

“Mom, I promise that I’m not going anywhere, okay?” he whispers and she nods in his embrace as a very quiet sob escapes her lips.

It’s been a while since he saw her cry, last time it was when he was really hurt and he knew what it’s like to see your child in pain, he cried when Gus was sick barely a week ago so he couldn’t imagine if he had to see him in the pain Bellamy was.

He shook his head even now-no, he refused to ever imagine his boy like this. But his mom...she had seen him suffer, more than once, it must be devastating for her. 

When she calms down a little she pulls away and brushes the tears from her face, a little embarrassed, like he was, Aurora rarely showed emotion like that, especially in the presense of Gus because she didn’t want to worry him.

In her grandchild’s eyes she was the strongest, most badass woman ever and they were both happy and content enough that right now the kid was too busy playing with Clarke. They had taken the book about Masha and the bears and Clarke was reading it to him while secretly sneaking little banana pieces for him to eat.

The sight made Bellamy chuckle-his son hated bananas but somehow he let himself be tricked by Clarke. 

“This new assignment-” Aurora interrupts his thoughts as she turns the hot plate off “What is it about?”

“We have to fix this engine...it’s quite a big one but I think we can do it.” he tells himself he’s not really lying, he was just withholding some of it so as not to worry her.

Everyone in Factory has heard about level 11, there were romours about it being revived, people from Alpha working there, some government secrets trying to be buried.

Bellamy wondered what would everyone say if they knew Jaha’s just sacrificing Factory workers personnel again so he could fix the level for most probably their own benefit. He also wondered what would they say if they somehow found out he was part of the team there-they’d surely paint him a spy, be weary of him, wouldn’t want to talk to him out of fear and he wouldn’t blame them. If he was in their situation he’d do the same.

He just hoped no one ever found out, not even his mom or Clarke. Least of all Gus. By his calculations it’d take at least a few years to get the engine up and running, if he survived that long, he could save a pretty good amount of ration points and then maybe give it up, go back to level 2 or 3 and just safe better.

“Is it dangerous?” Aurora asks next and he hurries to shake his head with a fake smile.

“No, it’s just me Miller and a few other buddies screwing or hammering stuff, mom. I mostly work sitting actually.”

“That’s good then.” she exhales relieved and moves up to kiss his cheek “My boy...when did you grow up?”

“I wonder that about Gus every day.” he looks back to him and Clarke and his heart melts when he finds Gus sleepily spreading all over her lap, his back pressed to her chest, his little legs dangling from both sides of hers, eyes drooping. “You should go home, mom. We’ll probably just head to bed soon.”

Aurora agrees but not before hugging him tightly once more, which makes him feel warm and good, maybe even a little teary-eyed. She kisses sleepy Gus goodnight and rubs Clarke’s shoulder, reminding her it’ll be allright before she leaves.

Bellamy brings in Gus’ bottle and wants to take him in his arms but Clarke insists she does it and he guides her how to position Gus so he doesn’t choke while eating. It takes some maneuvering but she manages just fine and Gus starts feeding off his bottle like a champ.

“How are you doing today, princess?” he asks her when he settles down and watches them like this “Really?”

She sighs but keeps her eyes on Gus, staring at him with love.

“Frankly, I don’t know.” she shrugs a little. “It’s all so...”

“Much?” she nods and tries to push the algae bowl away but he stops her mid-action and pressures back. “Eat, okay?”

“But you-” he shakes his head, refusing to let her argue.

 “You finish this, I’ll go clean up a bit.” he stands up and kisses both her and Gus’ forehead before limping to the bathroom.

It takes him some time to wash up, removing the bandages Abby did was a hassle and he had to rewarap at least the worst of them if he wanted to heal fast, so he could be better at work. 

By the time he comes back Clarke’s turned the projector on, watching some of the daily announcements and Gus, who has finished his bottle but refused to let it go was half asleep, arm hanging from hers, eyes barely opened.

Bellamy carefully limps to her and peels him off her embrace.

“Come on, big boy, time for sleep.” Gus groans a little, unhappy but he’s so unstable his head lolls on Bellamy’s chest despite his efforts to keep himself awake.

“Dada....”

“Shh-” Bellamy carefully places him down and adjusts him in bed, putting on an extra pair of socks when he figures it’s quite cold and tucking him in with three blankets instead of two.

“Dada...I didn’t...get to show Clarke...my drawing.”

“You’ll do it tomorrow.” Bellamy promises as he puts his little arms under the blankets and leans over to kiss his cheeks and stroke his hair away. 

“Dada, can doctor Clarke come kiss me nighty night?” he asks next, eyes all big and tired but so adorable.

Bellamy knew it won’t be five minutes before he passed out but he was holding on to this moment, desperate to have everything before he fell. He turns to Clarke who has been eavesedropping on their conversation and her look is a little hesitant like she’s asking him if he’s sure so Bellamy just nods and gestures for her to come closer.

“Hey, sweet face.” she sits by his feet while Bellamy’s crouching on the floor next to him, kind of sideways so it doesn’t bother his knee too much. “Ready for bed?” Gus nods with a big smile on his dace and reaches his little hands out to her. She leans closer and he cups her face as she kisses his nose making him giggle.

Then he turns to Bellamy.

“How many days till Gus is taller, dada?”

“Hmmm, let me think about it...” Bellamy pretends as he rubs the back of his neck though he’s pretty sure Gus knows the answer himself, they did cross off the date from the calender together this morning “Just five more days, big boy.” he announces and Gus smiles even brigther, it was clear that he loved his birthday very much. “But you know sleep makes you grow tall, right?”

Gus nods sersiouly and moves up a little in the same time Bellamy turns his right cheek to him.

“Give dad his goodnight kiss so he can sleep well too-” Gus pecks his cheek in the cutest way, all loud and a little wet going “Mwah!” “and take allll-”

“The pain away!” Gus finishes happily before falling back down on his pillow and growing a little serious “Does it really do dat, dada?”

“Yep, you’re dad’s personal miracle rub!” he jokes tickling his tummy and making him roll over “Now say goodnight to mama and close your eyes.” Clarke’s surpised when Gus reaches his little hand to the...cold metal wall next where someone, most probably Bellamy, had carved a little star at about his head’s level. Clarke’s eyes water when Gus drags his little palm over it.

“Hey, mama.” he says softly “Gus had a good day today-school was fun, I found a new book and dada was late to pick me up but I didn’t mind.” he says eyes drooping voice going quieter “Gus goes big in faiv days...I hope you can see it from the sky, I’ll make dada measure me so you know exactly how much....Gus...got big...”his words slurs and his hand falls down “Nait, mama.”

Clarke forces herself not to cry as she watches Bell rub Gus’ back as he falls asleep after which he tucks him in really well and kisses his peaking shoulder. They don’t move right away, they can’t, both of them are exhausted and even if the floor is cold they linger for a little while longer, Bellamy’s eyes pinned on his son and Clarke’s on him.

“I lost the present I got for his birthday.” she mumbles finally, pressing her knees to her chest and leaning on the tiny bed. “I have nothing to give him now.”

“There’s always something to give-” Bellamy says softly, still looking at him and smiling “You being here-that’s the biggest gift.” 

“What about you?” 

“Hmm?”

“What did you get him?” he beams at that and looks away shyly for a moment before meeting her eyes.

“A bigger sky.” he says after a while but doesn’t elaborate and she decides not to prod, for the time being they were just content being there next to each other, with a sleeping three year old on the bed near them. 

Finally, a cough interrupts him and he tries to hide it away, to suffocate it so as not to wake Gus but she has to help him up and lay them both down since he can’t do it himself. 

“Thanks, princess.” he mumbles, rollinng on his back and covering his eyes with his arm as he kept on coughing.

“Where’s the syrup?”

“I gave whatever we had left to Gus when he was sick, so...” he shrugs “I’ll be fine, just a little bit of a tiring day, it’ll pass.” he lies but moves his arm up to give her a look and rests it next to her, inviting her to press her body to his side for warmth.

She seems a little hesitant for a moment but then quickly snuggles up next to him and rests her head over his chest. He has to swallow down yet another groan when she accidentally choses the worst possible bruise to lay on but when he moves his chin to cover her and breathes her in he doesn’t regret it.

“How was your day?” he asks after a moment though he feels himself starting to fall. She shrugs and buries herself harder in his chest.

“I’m just glad you and Gus are home.” she says finally and he tightens his grip on her arm “Your mom and I talked and she’ll bring in some clothes for me to mend”

“Clarke-”

“I need to do something Bellamy.” she interrupts him before he can argue with her on it “I keep...going back to this, seing him and I just-”

“You need to give yourself time.” he says softly “You can’t just march through this-take a week, two, a month, just let yourself process it. You can’t run from your pain, trust me, I’ve tried.”

“I don’t know how to deal with it.” she admits, the tears already rolling down her cheek again.

“You just let yourself feel whatever you feel-pain, anger, grief, sadness.”

“Guilt,”

“That too-” he kisses her forehead and she looks up at him “Though if you’re asking me there’s nothing to feel guilty for. He made his choice and there’s nothing you can do about it.” he strokes her head and pulls the blanket up her shoulders when he feels her shake “Just like I decided to cover you up during the blast-none of these are your decisions, so you can’t bear any consequences for them.”

“And yet I still feel like this.”

“It’s the human thing to do.” he whispers after another cough shatters him “If you didn’t, I’d be questioning your sanity.” he jokes a little giving her a soft smile. “I’m not great at advice but just...take it one day at a time and if you don’t feel like talking, getting up or doing anything, don’t let anyone, not even me force you to, okay?” she nods. “Good.”

They settle down after that and he thinks she’s drifting off, just like Gus did barely half an hour ago and then when he’s about to succumb to his own dakness he hears her say.

“Bellamy?”

“Yes, princess?”

“I’m glad I got you and Gus.” he smiles and presses her colder body to his broken one.

“We’re glad to have you too.” he opens up one eye and glances down finding her smiling as her body melted into him the more it warmed up and he thought that it was all worth it-accepting this job, working hard, pushing forward-for her and Gus, it was all worth it and he’d do it a thousand time over.

Chapter 27

Notes:

A/N: Hey, guys! I'm so sorry I took so long to post this, I wanted to do it last month but I've been working extra days because everyone's been sick, so I had literally no time to do it. When I did have some days off I worked on a new Bellarke fic that I'll hopefully post soon and which I really hope you'll enjoy as well. But either way, here's the chapter now-it's a bit long again, so I had to split it in two but I hope you'll like it!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

The rest of the week passes in a blur for Bellamy because he’s busy planning everything for Gus’ birthday and trying to keep up a good performance at work all the while making sure Clarke’s okay and pretending that everything’s great for his ever-so-doubting him mom.

To say it’s one of the hardest weeks this year would be an understatement.

When he was hurt, things were awful and he hurt like never before but at least he was out of it most of the time and spent most of the the day lying down.

Now, he slept better with Clarke by her side but he still woke up at least three times to check if Gus and her are warm enough and if the kid wasn’t, he moved him to their bed, between him and Clarke which surely made Gus the happiest, softest and laziest of children especially when Bellamy had to convince him to get up and get ready for school.

He’d attach himself to Clarke and Bellamy had to peel him off of her while Clarke convinced him they’ll see each other later.

Clarke had been pretty sad most of the time.

He made a habit of coming back home on his lunch break, so she wouldn’t feel so alone all of the time and his mom came by when her shift ended after picking Gus up from school.

Some days she seemed okay, but he so very often found her lying in bed simply staring ahead, sometimes crying and sometimes simply looking at him eyes empty, not really letting any of the words he said sink in.

He had to force her to eat, because otherwise she wouldn’t and some nights she was just like Gus-if he didn’t push the bowl of algae in their hands, they wouldn’t even think about eating even if they were hungry.

She was wobbly on her feet and he had to carry her a few times to bed-he knew adjusting to life in Factory was hard.

Getting your body used to eating just once a day or sometimes every other day, when before she had been eating at least twice and very well with good nutritious food like bread, vеgitables and sweet things for dinner was going to be hard on anyone but especially on her.

Bellamy, Aurora and even Gus now, they were raised like this, so they were pretty good at handling it but this was a big shock for Clarke’s body.

Her head hurt a lot, the world spun under her feet and she was losing weight at a dramatic speed that wasn’t doing her any favors.

To add to that, the fact that she had just been through one of the most traumatic experiences of her life and he could understand why she didn’t have the strength to do anything.

Gus was of big help when it came to lifting her mood but some nights he saw she was a little too tired to give everything of herself to him, so Bellamy reminded the kid that he shouldn’t push too hard and Gus understood, he always did.

To compensate, though, Bellamy would spent an hour or more with just Gus, reading, drawing, studying while Clarke lay in bed and dozed in and out of consciousness.

He couldn’t bear watching her like this so he tried to sneak as much food from work as possible but he couldn’t take any of the sandwiches or cupcakes since they’d melt in his jumpsuit before he finished his shift, so the best he could do was some hard cookies and chocolate if there was any which definitely made both Gus and Clarke beam.

Work hasn’t been easy either mostly because since he drew a somewhat initial plan of the ventilation systems, he was put to work with Jasper and Maya to fix them as best as they could and that wasn’t always a particularly easy task.

In fact, he thought that out of the people currently working there, they were pulling most of the weight especially as of the recent week. Though he had a good memory whe it came to his self-drawn blueprints, there were still hiccups-because of the fire a big portion of the ceiling has fallen off and many of the vents were destroyed or totally collapsed.

Usually it’d be Jasper’s job to sneak in because he was the most wirey out of them all but the kid was somewhat weakish and couldn’t bear to put new metal pieces and wield them together because he wasn’t strong enough, so Bellamy often took his place while they guided him and handed him the things he needed.

This wasn’t doing any favors to his leg and mostly to his back because he had to stay in a pretty uncomfortable position for a long time while he was fixing something and on more than one occassion Jasper and Maya had to grab his feet and pull him out, help him down the scaffolding themselves because he simply couldn’t do it.

They didn’t mind but he wasn’t happy with it and he knew Sinclair noticed too.

So did Raven, who was very much up his ass for some reason and who had caught him stealing food from the lunch room but again, like before said nothing.

For Gus’ birthday Bellamy had booked a place in Factory called 'The Flying Kite' which was a medium size hall, once ago a storage room, turned into a sort of place where younger kindergarten or primary school kids usually celebrated their birthdays with friends.

Because Factory appartments were so small, kids didn’t have the space for a party and if Bellamy pushed all five kids in there, the place would be bursting at the seams.

One of the reasons why he’s been saving for his birthday for months was because he had to book the 'Flying Kite' at least three months in advance and hope that the Saturday he could get would coincide with Gus’ birthday and wouldn’t be a week or two later.

He had been lucky enough that the place was free that day but had paid more for it because of that.

Still he didn’t want his boy to celebrate weeks after his actual day, he had already been very enthusiastic about it so he had worked hard for it.

Gus had initially wanted just five kids, Jordan, Darcy and three more boys from his class who were close friends to him, good boys really but then Darcy had asked if her friend Finley could join them too since she had a little crush on Jordan and because she didn’t want to be the only girl and Gus being the good boy that he was, agreed before asking Bellamy who of course hadn’t mind.

He had been worried that Gus won’t have that many friends in day care because he was too shy and closed up but he was so relieved to find out that he had been wrong.

By the end of the week Gus had invited two more kids-another boy and girl and Bellamy was relieved that he’d be paid on Friday, so he could cover all expenses.

He had bought the cupcakes and other party food on Thursday, went there with Clarke to finish up decorating the place themselves. It wasn’t something fancy but it had a few bouncing matresses, a round trampoline that scared Bellamy most of all because he worried someone could get sick, a few colorful bouncing balls, many of stuff toys, board games, a colorful capret and a small projector where by the end they could watch some cartoons when they were too tired to do anything.

Usually the parents wouldn’t really stick around but Harper and Monty had promised to stay, his mom would be there to help out and he knew Myra would come too, she always made an appearance on Gus’ birthday.

Clarke’s mood had lift up significantly with the preparations for Gus’ birthday maybe because it gave her something to do but also because the kid was a jumping little ball of energy and joy in that entire week.

Nothing could bring him down-he was so exctatic, couldn’t wait till Satruday, asked his dad about the right amount of cupcakes and orange juice they’d be having at least a dozen times while watching and helping Clarke prepare the decorations.

She drew him big birthday letters, strug together with a thread brought from Aurora, made little butterfly paper cut hanging toys, lots of colorful tisle like thing that Bellamy didn’t even know what to call and then made him a really beautiful crown out of paper that Gus refused to let go of and demanded he slept in.

“My little prince.” she had told him when she put it on “So handsome!”

The theme of the party was Kings and Queens which meant the boys would dress up like knights and princes and the girls like beautiful ladies. Someone, probably Bellamy, would play the bad dragon they had to kill. 

Aurora and Clarke had sewn the costumes together, nothing too fancy, just gowns from different pieces of cloth strung together while Bell and Gus helped make the cardboard swords and horses.

It was a whole thing.

And frankly Bellamy had been enthusiastic too.

He only wished he had more strength, he was feeling bone tired and his cough has worsened a lot, unfortunately for him, early in the morning and late at night. He used to cough before too but it has only gotten bad probably because his body was still trying to adjust to working in a bad environment with less oxygen-he kept telling himself he just needs to get used to it but Clarke was growing to be skeptic.

“I’m not liking your cough.” she says sitting up in bed early on a Friday morning, whispering so Gus, who’s still more or less asleep, doesn’t hear them, rubbing Bellamy’s back. “I think we should at least get you some syrup.”

“I’m fine-” he waves his hand “It won’t last long.”

“How do you know?”

“It’ just...there’s ventilation problems on our level now, so this week the air hasn’t been too clean but they’re fixing it.” he rubs her hand with his own “I’ll be all good soon.” she doesn’t believe him for a bit and insists she makes him a strong cup of hot tea that morning, watches him with angry grumpy eyes while he feeds Gus and reminds him to drink it up which he does and he does feel somewhat better so he keeps telling himself as he dresses up in the locker room with the others that he just has to survive today and tomorrow, his sweet boy will turn four, they’d celebrate together and be happy and he’ll have enough ration points to buy food for the next two weeks.

Food that will be enough for all three of them and even Aurora.

Everyone’s been coughing a lot lately too but he thought it was a regular occurance until he starts hearing some of the Alpha boys complain about it and then that same day as Raven’s adjusting her brace next to Bellamy who’s tring to put on his boots, she curses after a strong bout of coughs shake her lungs.

“Goddammit, what’s happening this week? Seems like the air’s gotten worse.” the others hum in agreement.

“Maybe Bellamy brought level 2′s bad luck up here with him.” Jasper jokes though he looks quite serious and it results in Maya slapping the back of his neck and scolding him.

“There’s no such thing as bad luck, Jasper.”

“I agree with google eyes-” Raven throws Bellamy a smirk “You attract all kinds of troubles, Blake.”

“That may be so but I’m still a better mechanic than you.”

“Oh, you wish!” she elbows his ribs and he hisses, grabbing his side with his hand and buckling over. He has been slowly healing, key word here being slowly, he had been expecting that the bruises will start getting better and for the most part they had except for the one in the back, where his kidney was hit that remained swollen and his ribs.

His ribs hurt damn much.

That made breathing harder and he had to command himself to take in as much oxygen as he could on their small fifteen minute breaks.

“You okay?” Raven asks when she gets up and crosses her arms over her chest. “You know Abby’s coming in later to check on my leg maybe you can pass by and-”

“I’m fine.” he cuts her off a little bit too roughly and stands up, somehow managing to remain standing up on his feet and button his jumpsuit. “I don’t need Alpha doctors prodding me for their and the chancellor’s benefit.” Raven clearly gets angry at the comment but he doesn’t wait for her to answer and instead turns around and walks away before she can say something snarky but he does hear her call him thick-headed idiot who’d end up killing himself and for some reason it makes him smile in delight.

Maybe he was being too proud of an idiot, maybe his Factory upbringing, his mother’s way of raising him prevented him from ever getting help, most of all from an Alpha doctor, who wasn’t just someone but Clarke’s mother.

He’d crawl before he willingly went to her.

He has no idea that just a few hours later he’d strongly regret his stubborness but would not give it up, he never gave it up.

Things are normal at first, they all take twenty minutes of oxygen in the bridge-like space before they enter the level and that’s usually when he’s the most energized.

Raven never stops sending daggers his way and Sinclair looks at them suspiciously but doesn’t prod, he knows better than to stand between two of his best mechanics when they were having an argument.

The thing is Bellamy liked Raven, he loved bantering with her, joking around, the rivalry was cute too and lift up his mood back when they were on level 2 but since he got here she’s been more or less just a stuck up asshole.

He had the sense that she had got her hair up in the clouds and not in the nice way-Raven’s always been a bit of a show-off, she always claimed she was the best and in many aspect she was, but there was something else to it now-he saw her leave with Sinclair and Wick on more than one occassion, sharing drinks with them after work and accepted Alpha’s health care help, he felt like she even talked differently...like she had sold some part of herself and he just couldn’t see her as an equal anymore because whenever she looked at him it was as if she looked from above, like Abby and even Sinclair who was a decent guy but couldn’t help himself, did.

Something about it all bothered him but he couldn’t pinpoint it so for the time being he was glad he was working with Jasper and Maya now-they were goofy but very down to earth and he found that he was fond of them in a fatherly, semi-mentor way but at some point he’d have to join Raven’s efforts on the engine and frankly, he was dreading it as much as he wanted to get his hands on it just to figure out a way to fix it.

“Ouch!” Jasper exclaims from inside the ventilation system where Bellamy and Maya send him with a piece of metal to attach in a broken passway that was supposed to lead them to a small ventilator that they had to make work in order to improve the air. “Ouch,ouch, ouuuuch!”

“What is it?” Bellamy climbs up the hole and sees him squirming inside the vent blowing at his fingers “Did you burn yourself again?”

“Cut!” he huffs and Bellamy swallows hard, Maya hated the sight of blood “Shit, shit shit!”

“Don’t curse!” Bellamy scolds mildly and climbs up the small ladder before turning to poor Maya who was lookinig at them with worry “You might wanna turn around I think it’s more than a regular minor cut.”

“Oh, damn it, Jas! Again?” she huffs but turns around and Bellamy grabs the kid by the ankles and carefully pulls him off helping him out the hole and rolling him on the thin scaffolding metal floor.

“It’s not like I wanted it! It’s damn hot in there, this shit-” Bellamy clears his throat “thing, slips through my fingers!”

“It’s okay, I got it, it’s too heavy for you anyway.” Bellamy pats his shoulder and looks at the cut that went through his index and middle fingers. He digs out a bandage he kept in his back pocket for moments like this and carefully wraps them up together under Jasper’s sad boyish look-he seemed like Gus when he got a scrape or bruise after a fall on the playground. 

“Just like that, see, it’s all fine. We’ll clean it up and wrap it properly on the lunch break alright?”

“Thanks, man.”

“Is it good? Can I look up now?” Maya’s face is twisted in an annoyed grunt but her voice betrayes her when she speaks, breaks a little and Bellamy has to look down as he ties up Jasper’s fingers to hide his smile-they were so obviously in love it was quite sweet.

He remembers being the same fool with Gina and her scoffing at him whenever he so much as pretended that he was great. Thinking back on it now, he really was in top shape back then compared to all of his injuries and constant pains now. 

“You can look.” Bellamy promises “He’s fine but we need to keep him from the heavy lifting for now.” she still rushes in and kneels down by Jasper’s side, eyeing the bandage with weary eyes, trying to swallow down her emotions and disgust for blood for the sake fo her friend.

“You’re so stupid! You should’ve radioed us when you saw you couldn’t do it.”

“It’s fine, I’ll go in now and you guys will guide me at the turns.” Bellamy promises, patting Jasper’s shoulder affectionatelly again and unclasping the radio from his jumper, attaching it to his own left chest pocket and grabbing in the blue-gas torch and yellow helmet.

“We’re close to another oxygen recharge are you sure you can make it in time?” Maya asks glancing at the big electronic clock above the main door that signaled their off-times.

“I’ll be fine, even if I don’t, I feel pretty good now, okay?” Bellamy assures as he climps up the hall and turns on the light of his helmet, so he could see ahead. 

“May we meet again.” Maya says softly, they always said that to each other whenever they went in the vents since it was a serious and dangerous affair and anything could happen.

“Oh, we will. I plan to see Jasper wail his ass out as the medic patches his cuts.” he jokes as he dives in.

First thing that comes to his mind is that it’s damn hot inside-hotter than it usually was. He may have been too fast to judge Jasper-it was possible the metal piece he was trying to patch wasn’t just too heavy but really slipped through while he was working-it has barely been a minute and he was already sweating down his back, felt his hair stick to his forehead and his feel like burning. 

All the more reasons to fix the damn vent, he thought as he progressed forward. 

He knows most of his way around this particular section by now but they’ve been slowly repairing and rebuilding its parts so they won’t collapse from right under them and the new metal patches mixed with the old in the heat, making it hard for him to tell what’s where, so he radioed Maya and Jasper for guidance. 

“You left the bottom part hanging?” he asks when after a few wrong turns he finally makes his way to where Jasper was when he cut his hand.

It’s been, he thinks about fifity minutes, they’ve been through one oxygen recharge that he has skipped and he felt his lungs contract too fast, too unnaturally.

His badly bruised ribs weren’t doing him any favors-he was drenched from head to toe, he could literally feel his clothes sticking to him and he cursed to himself-why was it so damn hot in here.

“Yeah, you must be there!” Jasper’s voice chimes through the radio as Bellamy crawls to the half opened, half-done patch on the left next to him. He could see the blood trail Jasper left and tries to shake it off as he picks up his torch.

That was the thing with him being in there for so long, though, he lacked oxygen, his vision blurred and he was sticking wet, body hot, he felt like he would burst any minute now, his head was pounding and though he registered the pain in his back and leg he couldn’t care much for it because of the environment.

The more he crawled forward, the more he felt his skin burn even through the jumpsuit-he was starting to realize this was a mistake, going so deep in without having recharged considering how bad his lungs have been, wasn’t just stupid-it was borderline suicidal.

“Bellamy? Are you there?”

“I’m here, I’ll finish the patch.” he says as he pressed the radio button with sticky fingers.

“You need to hurry, we’re close to the next recharge and you need to come back out here.” Maya says nervously but he doesn’t bother answering-so it’s been almost two hours since he got in-that wasn’t good, he couldn’t make it much longer if he didn’t get out.

The air was thick, his vision was shit and when he reached to fix the patch he felt it dig through his fingers too.

No wonder Jasper yelled so loudly and backed up so fast-but Bellamy didn’t have nor his youthful body or his strength-he was ruined, it’d take him at least another ten minutes to go back to the entrance.

Still, he squeezed his eyes shut and picked up his torch, mending metal against metal, gluing them together and carefully fixing the broken parts.

He commanded himself to breathe, thought of Gus and his birthday tomorrow, of Clarke and her sad eyes, her tight hugs at night, but also her yells, the way she woke up with a jolt in the middle of her sleep how she clenched his arm so hard her nails left marks, how she sobbed quietly drowning her sorrow in his chest, trying not to wake his boy, how weak she has been, so weak, he felt like she lost more than half her weight in the past week. 

“It’ll be okay.” he whispers to himself, stupidly wasitng the oxygen around him as he worked with the torch.

His fingers blistered from the heat, he bit his lips and tried to take it but it hurt and he dropped it more than once so he had to pick it up and start again.

“Come on, come on now.” he mumbled angrily “You can do this, Bellamy.”

Suddenly he was three and his dad was pointing letters in a book about bears and deers, he was so small, so barely there, but he remembers the feeling of being perched on someone’s lap, his dad’s big hand, so big really, sliding down his head, praising him, kissing the top of his head and lifting him up in the air. Bellamy kicking his little legs and his mom from a nearby place, maybe the cot? Another chair, scolding her dad to let him down.

It was one of his first memories, the only one with his dad but he remembers feeling nice and warm and happy, giddy really, like a silly little boy and he closes his eyes now and commands himself to push forward so he can give his son too, silly stupid giddy moments, lift him in the air, kiss his head, tell him he’s beautiful, whisper he’s his whole world.

“Bellamy, come in!” Jasper had been calling him for the past ten minutes but he had been ignoring him in favor of doing his work, but this time the voice was Sinclair’s and he recognized it only because of the really angry notes in it. “Bellamy, come in right now or I’ll-”

“I’m kind of in a middle of something here, boss.” Bellamy says when another cough shatters him, the more he pushed through, the less oxygen he had.

“I need you to come back right now.” Sinclair says seriously and he hears Jordan, Maya and maybe some of...was that Raven’s confused and worried chatter on the other hand. “It’s been two hours without any oxygen for you.”

“I’m almost through, boss, coming in right now.” Bellamy assures and he hears Sinclair exhale on the other end.

“Copy that, Blake. Hurry up!” he nods more to himself when another cough shatters him and he starts feeling like he’s suffocating but he just has this last corner to finish and he’ll be good.

He smiles to himself when he manages, still thinking of Gus and Clarke waiting him home at the end of a long shift and with a sight he collapses on his back giving himself a minute to just breathe as he realizes how lucky he’s been lately-getting a good new job, having not just his beautiful boy but Clarke too-and damn was she godsend.

Though he knew he couldn’t cross some lines that didn’t stop him from imagining what it would be like to kiss her, hold her hand, take her to Wheat day and maybe even dance a little despite his bad leg but then he remembered he shouldn’t be greedy-he had more than enough-he held her at night, she pressed her tiny body to his, he warmed her up as best as he could and when she was asleep, when he was sure she was unconscious, he carefully kissed her forehead and cupped her cheek thinking how she’s the most beautiful girl he’s ever seen and commanding his heart to quiet down, to calm, to push his feelings aside-Clarke may be in a temporary bad place but things would get better for her, he knew they would and then one day him and Gus would be a memory, nothing but a sweet short glimpse passing through her brain on a busy day and maybe she’d smile, feel sad for a moment and then shrug it off-it was good, but it was over. He didn’t matter, he couldn’t leave an impact on anyone, never did, really. He was just a mechanic, a poor boy from Factory, destined for death from the moment he was born.

He is barely forcing his lungs to contract when he feels a really small breeze of fresh air and his eyes open up widely.

He forces his good leg to bend at the knee and push him up to the source of it and when he realizes that he’s just moving down that particular vent but reaching the end of a somewhat nice and probably clean air place he pushes forward.

“Blake, you on your way back?” Sinclair’s voice cackles through the radio and Bellamy ignores it as he rolls on his stomach and forces himself up to his elbows-he was near a vent, he knew it, a broken one, but a vent nontheless and if he could only get there, he could fix it. “Blake, are you there?”

“Here, just a moment!” he annoyngly presses the radio button as he keeps pushing forward.

“Where are you? We can’t see you, should’ve been out by now.”

Bellamy stops, ignores the radio bables and stares ahead. His blurry eyes focus on the small fan before him that was just barely, so very slowly moving in a circle. 

“I got you!” he hisses as he forces his elbows to push his lifeless from the waist down body. Somehow though there was some oxygen here he found it hard to breathe and his head lolled and made the world as small as it was, before him spin. 

“Blake, where the hell are you!” Sinclair’s now angry voice cackles through “if you don’t come out right now, I’m sending Wick in to get you!”

“I’m fine-” he coughs and he’s sure some of it can be heard through the radio “Found the vent by accident, I think I can fix it!”

“Negative, it’s been too long without oxygen for you, you can pass out and die before we get to you, I need you to extract now.”

“God, I didn’t know you were so dramatic, Sinclair.” Bellamy jokes as he picks up his screw driver and starts opening up the shaft with trembling fingers.

The cap falls on his face and he grumbles when another cough shakes him, this time he can’t recover fast enough, he feels himself heaving and he has to force himself to open his eyes to push through all the while Sinclair’s going crazy on the radio calling him back 

“Just... a.... minute.” Bellamy says back through teeth.

“You don’t have a minute, Blake, come out right now!” Sinclair says “That’s an order.”

That makes Bellamy chukle as he reaches over and finds the broken wire-that was it, a small malfunction-broken wire he could glue up in mere seconds but it was causing so much trouble, making the air so much worse.

If he could find all the broken little vents and fix them they could work on the engine no problem, they could fix it and maybe Gus would have hot water to shower all the time and Clarke wouldn’t be shaking to her core when she went to bed or woke up.

It was all on him-in his hands. 

“Well Raven should’ve told you I like to break the rules.” he practically wheezles when he picks up the materials he needs from his inner pocket, drops them a few times before managing to scrape them from the hot floor and fix in the wire.

The fan suddenly starts circulating at a much faster speed and he breathes in some of the clean air but he knows he’s been so oxygen deprived for so long, he may not have the strength to come back.

And still, he presses the button of his radio interrupting the series of curses and yells shouted his way by Sinclair.

“All done, coming out!” he manages as he starts pushing back but his bad leg slows him and he starts losing sense of his surroundings.

He barely forces himself to breathe, his visions extremely blurred that he’s only managing to take the right turns by using his hands that have burns by now, he can feel them blister. Some of his jumpsuit tears when he can’t manage to keep crawing back at the same speed he had before, he stops here and there and feels his skin burn as well as his lungs.

“Bellamy, come on, where are you?” SInclair prods but he can’t answer, he doesn’t have the strength to.

He makes the last turn down the vent, he thinks that he can see the light, or maybe that was just his oxygen-deprived brain and his bad vision and then he stops, he can’t keep pushing forward, his body just collapses out on him and his coughs are so bad he feels like he can’t just can’t make them contract.

“Gus-” he thinks “I have to get to Gus.” the radio’s loud by his ear but he can’t, as much as he wants to, he just can’t force himself to cooperate so he just lays and as he passes out to unconsciousness he thinks how this is fitting-he’ll die on the same place Gina did, trying to fix the mistake that caused her death but failing to do so, leaving his on an oprhan a day before his birthday, his mom childless and Clarke...his Clarke-

His beautiful Clarke-

He gives in, he can’t anymore-his back’s hurting so bad he wants to scream but he doesn’t have the voice or strength to, he can’t breathe, he can feel his chest move up and down so fast it makes everything worse and his head threatens to burst.

Hиs body’s hot, he can feel the blisters on his hands, his skin peeling and he wants to cry, god it hurts so much but it’ll be over soon, he thinks...it’ll be over.

And then voices, more and more, frantic and scared and someone’s strong hands wrapping around his ankles. He wants to tell them to stop because he’s barely there and for a moment he’s sure he loses consciousness, he gives in the darkness.

And then there’s light.

Blinding light and when he walks towards it he gets scared for a minute-maybe that was it, he would die here, leave Gus without saying goodbye.

He thinks of their last conversation this morning, how happy the kid has been, how joyful, blabbering about his cupcakes and his prince crown that he wore all the time now with Clarke’s Rainbow tucked under his arm, saying he can’t wait for tomorrow and instructing Bellamy on how to play the dragon, how to scare them.

Bellamy had smiled and hugged him tight, kissed his forehead, he never knew what the day would bring, knowing the way things in Factory worked, but he never said anything to scare Gus. On the opposite, he kissed his nose and said “See you tonight, buddy” or “Be good and remember everything you learn so you can tell me when I get home.”

Well-wishes, always, Gus’ freckles were his shooting stars, his hopes that they will be together at the end of each day and though he knew he lived in a reality where they may not, he never really allowed himself to go there-to think he won’t pick him up or find him home with Aurora and Clarke.

But now that it was a real possibility he was scared out of his mind, he wished for just one more hug, one more smile, one more kiss, Gus’ little arms wrapped around his neck as he breathed in his baby smell that lingered on him still.

He doesn’t remember being as scared when he was bombed, maybe because he had no time to think then but now-

And then suddenly the light backs away and he starts hearing voices. So many voices and someone moving him, lifting him up and then putting him down, patting his cheek and calling his name.

“Goddammit, look at his hands!” he thinks that’s Jasper.

“Forget that! We need to get him to the oxygen masks!” Raven maybe? Was it her or Maya?

“Wick, help me up!” Sinclair’s deep angry voice shatters through him and he wants to tell them to just stop, to leave him there, lying down, breathing was hard but he...he just needed to rest for a moment, he’d be fine. He tried to force his eyes to open but they wouldn’t and suddenly he was shattered by another bout of coughs “Raven, go tell the guard to page doctor Griffin right away! Tell him it’s an emergency!”

“Should we move him?”

“He’s suffocating, Jasper, come on, someone grab his legs and help out!”

“No, I can take him.” Sinclair again, he was sure, he could feel the anger radiate from him and then he’s lifted up and pressed to something hard-maybe his chest and it hurts, all of it hurts so much-his head, his back, his leg he couldn’t even feel but the worst was he tried to breathe and it was just so hard to make his lungs contract.

They jostle him a lot and he whimpers.

“I’m sorry, kid, I’m so sorry but we have to.” Sinclair’s fatherly voice whispers to him and just him “Wick, push that bench over here, come on, Maya hand me the mask-” and then he’s put in a half sitting position and they press something to his face.

And then he breathes in-finally, it’s like the fresh air from the vent but better.

At first it makes him cough and try to move his head away but Sinclair’s strong, he keeps him steady and he feels the mask pushed to his face.

“Get some wet towels he’s burning up.” hands, many hands, putting something on his forehead, his face, his hands start hurting too-of course they did you idiot, they’re blistered, burned, he thinks. “It’s okay, kid, it’s okay, we got you.” Sinclair keeps whispering “We’re here, you’re safe now.”

And then he manages to open his eyes. Just barely but he does and he sees Sinclair who was holding his upper body up, looking down at him worriedly, he’s frankly never seen the man’s face so pale and then notices the other hovering behind and around them.

He’s never felt more embarrassed even when his mom and Clarke were constantly helping him out after the bombing.

“What did you do you stupid, kid?” SInclair scolds when Maya passes another wet cold tower that he replaces with the one on his forehead and Bellamy grunts as he keeps heaving, battling for air despite having the mask on.

And Bellamy just smiles and tries to reach up with his hand but it hurts and Sinclair puts him down immideately.

“No, don’t! Stop it!”

Bellamy hears the main door open and Raven’s voice chirping in.

“Boss, Abby’s here!” she announces limping to them. “Is he okay?”

“No, but he will be.” Bellamy moans, tries to bring his attention back to him and manages to lift his blistered hand enough to pull his mask down which Sinclair tries to stop him from doing but somehow he’s faster or it’s just a coincidence.

“No...no...doctors.” he mumbles just barely as another bout of coughs shatters him and he buckles over.

“Yeah, that’s not happening.” Sinclair cuts him off and pushes the mask back on his face for a few moments. 

“You can bring him in?” Raven asks as she throws another look at Bellamy’s weak body.

“Sure, just open the doors for me will you?” Sinclair promises before turning to Bellamy again “Okay, kid ready to move?” He can’t tell him that being lifted up hurt like hell, he can’t tell him that his headache’s killing him and his heart’s beating out of his chest, he can’t tell him he isn’t sure he could take a proper breath without the mask.

So he just nods.

Chapter 28

Notes:

A/N: I'm sorry for taking so long to update again! Life's been hard and work has been getting busy again. I've also been writing my other story a bit more which is now posted and you can check it out! I hope you'll enjoy this one as well!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

The world spins before him when Sinclair moves him up maybe because the oxygen mask attached to the ceiling is pulled off his face and he’s left on his own.

His head lolls and falls back on Sinclair’s chest while the man carefully maneuvers him out of the level.

He hears Raven and him talk, Sinclair asking something about Bellamy, but he can only register something about “relatives” and he realizes they’re wondering how to contact his mom.

“No....don’t call ...don’t...please-” he begs and Sinclair just gives him a stern look as Raven opens another door and he sees the familir whiteness of Abby’s cabinet, hearing her clattering with something metalic.

“Quick, put him here!” he hears her instruct and he winces when Sinclair puts him down. “What happened?” she asks as she starts unbuttoning his jumpsuit and taking off her stethoscope to listen to his lungs.

“Spent two hours without oxygen in a bad burning vent while trying to fix it.” Sinclair explains as he comes on the other side of the bed.

Bellamy can see Raven linger from the corner of his eyes somewhere near the door, not sure what to do with herself but not ready to leave either which just makes him even more embarrassed. 

Abby swiftly grabs a mask from the machine next to her and attaches it on his face as she tries to assess the rest of the damage. He coughs through it all, shakes badly and almost falls off the cot.

“Any idea where he’s hurt?” she asks when she sees Bellamy can’t speak right now but Sinclair just shrugs.

“Other than his hand I have no idea.”

“He’s not moving his bad leg-” Abby observes and carefully puts her hand on his shoulder “Can you try and bend it?” she asks him but Bellamy just shakes his head and wants to control his breathing but he ends up giving them a wave like 'I’m fine', which nobody believes.

“What can I do?” Sinclair asks seeing that Abby’s filling in a syringe with medicine from a small plastic bottle she takes in a rush from the cabinet above the sink.

“You’ll help me undress and move him, okay?” Sinclair nods and looks at Raven who’s still lingering by the door, face peppered with worry and despair.

“You tell the others I said you can take your lunch break now.” he orders “After, I want you to go back to work regularly but nobody goes in the vent again today, alright?”

“Got it.” she nods with determination now that she has something to do “Can I do something else? Call his mom?” Bellamy grips Sinclair’s hand and shakes his head desperately and maybe it’s something in his eyes that forces the man to grit his teeth and bow his head down for a minute.

He needs to think and he turns to Abby who’s rolled up Bellamy’s sleeve and cleaning a spot on the inside of his hand, trying to find a vein she could use.

“Do you think you can fix him today?” Abby shrugs a little as she carefully injects the medicine.

“I don’t know the extent of his injuries but I’ll wrap the hands and he needs to stay on oxygen for at least a few hours in order to normalize his breathing but-” she sighs “I think he can be okay to go by the end of the day.” Sinclair nods and with turns back to Raven.

“Don’t call her yet.” he instructs and Bellamy visibly relaxes on the pillow, lets his head drop in Sinclair’s direction “If he manages to get home, he can decide what to say and anyway...she’s not supposed to know about it-”

“Unless he’s dead you mean.” Raven huffs a little annoyed “In which case you’ll come up with some bullshit excuse of a work accident that won’t even be documented as having happened on this level.”

“Raven, not now.” Sinclair scolds and she leaves with a grunt, slamming the door behind her making the old man rub his forehead tiredly before he turns back to Bellamy “You both are going to kill me before you manage to kill yourselves, Blake.” Bellamy flashes him a smile before another bout of coughs interrupts him and Abby takes the scissors from her metal tray and starts cutting in his white shirt and jumper off, knowing that she won’t be able to take it off not just because he’s too tired to move but also because some of it was so hot it had stuck to his skin and would leave burns.

It was an ugly picture, Bellamy knew that and when Abby reveals his bandaged chest he really wishes his boss wasn’t in the room with them now.

“You wrapped them up.” Abby says before carefully cutting them off clearly somewhat suprirsed and pleased “But you did it on your own...they’re not tight enough, you won’t heal like this.”

“What’s that from?” Sinclair asks confused and Abby avoids his look as she carefully peels the bandages off Bellamy and gestures for the older man to help lift him up so she can undress him which only makes the picture uglier since Sinclair can see his entire blue and black torso on full display-not just his chest, but also his back, his arms and elbows.

“The guards beat him up.” Abby offers quietly, Bellamy’s starting to feel a little better maybe because of the shot Abby gave him or maybe because of the oxygen and while he still feels weak he’s also somewhat breathing a little better.

“Why?” Sinclair prods but Abby doesn’t offer a solution “You knew about this didn’t you?”

“I saw it when he came for his mandatory check up. Instructed him how to take care of it.” she offers again going back to her stoic doctor stance when they carefully put him back down.

She attaches an IV to his arm and listenes to his lungs again before she gets on wrapping his hands up. 

“Did he say how it happened?”

“Not really, no.” Abby lies again and throws Bellamy a look suggesting she doesn’t want him to say anything either and he won’t...he never would put Clarke on the spotlight like this. 

“I guess he got into trouble. Here-hold this for me-” she hands him the yellowy liquid they used for wrapping and sanitizing after drowsing the bandages in it. “This’ll sting a lot.” she warns Bellamy who just nods and still winces and flinches when she cleans up his burns but manages to grit his teeth and compose himself.

His breathing goes shallow again because of the pain but it’s still not as worse as it has been before when they first dragged him in. Abby senses it, though and she stops cleaning up his fingers for a moment asking.

“Do you want me to give you more pain meds?”

Bellamy shakes his head stubbornly and utters a quiet 'No' through the mask before another cough shatters him and Sinclair has to help him up and give him some water as per Abby’s instructions-he was dyhadrated and it was just adding to the mix of awful things happening to his body right now. 

“Maybe you should, he doesn’t look so good-” Sinclair says carefully but Abby sighs clearly at a crosswords.

“I already gave him a mild sedative, if I add more it’ll likely affect his breathing, which is already bad so-”

“I can-” Bellamy pulls down his mask for a brief moment with his unwrapped hand “I can take it.”

“Like hell you can!” Sinclair adds angrily but Abby shakes her head at him suggesting he doesn’t need that right now “What you did was really stupid!”

Bellamy smiles and pulls his mask down again, making the doctor angry.

“But I fixed it.” Abby huffs annoyed but he sees a little smile crack at her as she pushes the mask back on his face and looks at the monitor meauring his vitals with the help of the small patches she put on his chest. 

“I need to finish wrapping this-” she points to his hands “and then you’ll sleep, okay?” Bellamy nods but pulls his mask down again which makes Sinclair groan.

“I need to...need to go back home-” he coughs loudly “tonight. My son...my son has...he has a birthday tomor-” he never finishes and instead erupts in another bout of coughs which makes Sinclair gently push him back on the cot. 

“Your burns are okay on your right hand, seem to have affected only three of your fingers but your left...-” she sighs “You’ll need to take care of it.”

“How long do you think he’ll be off duty?” Sinclair asks instead of Bellamy sensing that this is the question burning in his mind. 

“At least a week.”

“I can’t...I need to work.” Bellamy says through his mask staring at Sinclair with hope and worry “Please.” and Sinclair sees it, knows what this is about-he needs the rations.

He’ll get only his first payment tomorrow and he’ll be obviously be spending it all for his son, maybe that’s why he pushed so hard today, maybe that’s why he was even lying in this cot in the first place.

The thought made Sinclair angry but he tried to understand where Bellamy was coming from.

He had never, after all, lived his life. 

“I can bench you-” he says “Leave you in charge of drawing the blueprints, how does that sound?” Bellamy relaxes visibly and lets his head drop back on the pillow. 

“Thank...you.” he manages as he keeps coughing every few minutes. It gets so bad that Abby has to rush in finishing the bandage on his right hand so she can pull his mask off and give him some cough syrup to ease it before getting back to his left one.

Sinclair hands her bandages and antiseptic whenever she needs it but at some point he pulls up a chair and sits next to Bellamy, simply being there. Bellamy seems to like it, he gets drowsy probably because of the medicine and his head lolls to Sinclair’s side and he gives him a silly narcotic-induced smile but doesn’t fall asleep.

“How old is your boy gonna be?” he asks rubbing his knee to bring his attention to him. Bellamy beams when he thinks of his son.

“Four.” he says proudly with a big smile on his face “He’s the best kid in the world.”

“What’s his name?”

“Gus...” Bellamy mumbles after another, this time shorter bout of coughs. Sinclair notices the sweat on his forehead and grabs a clean rag from the nearby cupboard, drowses it in water and wipes it away carefully “Augustus.”

“That’s a really cool name, how did you chose it?”

“I’m a mythology nerd-” he explains between breaths, keeps wincing every now and then when Abby wraps his hands but he notices she’s listening to him too but he doesn’t mind.

She never knew the kind of man that he was, frankly, he was certain she had the worst impression of him even though he saved her daughter’s life. After all, he was from Factory-he can’t be good. 

“Mom used to read me from 'The Iliad' every night and well...my wife she...-” he coughs again and Abby gives him a stern look, reaching up to squeeze his shoulder.

“You really shouldn’t be talking.” her remark is also directed at Sinclair, who bows his head down a little.

“Abby’s right, try to get some rest kid.” he says but Bellamy shakes his head stubbornly, he didn’t mind that, for some reason he wanted to talk about Gus, needed to think about him and Sinclair senses that, so he sighs and rubs his hand over Bellamy’s bad leg, prompting him a little “So...you were saying something about your wife?”

Bellamy nods, smiling again, wincing as Abby ties the bandage around the pinkie on his left hand. She had said the burns weren’t too bad but still it must hurt like hell, he knew it, he’s been burnt too.

“At night...after work...when she was pregnant, we’d lay in bed and...I’d read to him all these stories or simply tell...tell them, I know them by heart now. I’d spread my hand on her stomach and one time he...kicked for about five minutes when I was talking about....Augustus and his sister...Octavia.”

“So you chose that name.” Abby comments too for the first time, making Bellamy give her a surprised look but nod as she finished up the bandage and looked at the monitor again-his vitals seemed to be getting better, she noted and for some reason that made her exhale a little in relief.

She didn’t know that boy, had absolutely no idea who he was as a person but her daughter, no matter what, she had trusted him, befriended him and he had risked his life for her so...if she counted on him, Abby had to save him.

“So what’s the plan for tomorrow?” Sinclair asks next, he realizes quickly that this is a way to help distract him from the pain and it seemed to be working “You guys having a party?”

Bellamy nods and rests his already bandaged hand over his bruised ribs but it seems to be a little hard for him to talk now, probably because he was succumbing to the exhaustion.

“Cake and everything for the little guy?”

“No cake...I don’t have the rations for that.” Bellamy manages and Sinclair’s face falls “He’s never had...cake...just...cupcakes, I got cupcakes with a nice...nice icing.”

“Sounds great. I bet he’ll have a great time-” Sinclair tries to swallow down his sadness “With lots of presents and everything.”

“Yeah...” Bellamy smiles “I got him the best present.”

“Hey-” Abby interrupts them carefully by gripping Bellamy’s shoulder again, trying to get his attention back to her “I need to check on your leg now, okay?” Bellamy nods and she moves down to the cot, circling next to Sinclair’s chair. He keeps his hand on Bellamy’s elbow in support and Bellamy smiles-he hasn’t known the guy for more than a week but it was clear he gave a shit about his workers. 

Abby carefully lifts his pant sleeve up and her hands pepper over his crooked knee all the way up to his leg, then back down to his ankle and she carefully undoes his boot laces and finds that even the joints there and his foot are swollen thick-there are blisters and bruises there too, all a result from his bad shoes.

“Where are the new boots I gave you?” Sinclair asks upon noticing the old ones Abby’s taking off. “This can’t be them!” Bellamy’s cheeks go read and he just swallows hard avoiding Sinclair’s look out of shame and fear.

“He probably traded them, didn’t you?” he’s surprised that it’s Abby who pulls him out of the difficult situation and Bellamy shrugs a little.

“Needed more rations.” he mumbles and she nods, because she knows that the reason why is her daughter and something in her eyes soften. It’s true that he traded the boots for more Formula for Gus but also for some soup and potatoes and carrots mesh for Clarke because it was the most nutritious and could help bring her up on her feet. 

“Because you couldn’t be paid earlier.” Sinclair concludes and Bellamy manages a shrug but closes his eyes briefly and tries to overcome the pain from Abby’s hands moving over his bad leg. “I’ll get you new ones.”

“Those are...fine.” 

“No, they’re not.” Sinclair’s ready to fight him when Abby presses on a particularly bad spot and Bellamy’s entire body jerks, his wrapped up hand shooting for his leg which only results in more coughs. 

“Please, stop.” he asks of her and she moves her hands away for a minute.

“I need to help ease the tension, so the numbness can go away.” he falls back on the pillow breathing heavily. 

“I’ll be okay.” he says through the mask “Just need to rest it up a little.” Abby sighs but decides not to push him considering the strain his body has been put through today he could use a break.

Right now he had to rest up, so she picks a blanket from the nearby drawer and throws it over him telling him to get some rest.

Sinclair stands up and squeezes his shoulder, telling him he’ll be back later but Bellamy’s barely coherent by that point, so he just passes out. 

It’s a constant in-and out-of-consciousness battle once again-when he’s awake for a brief moment all he’s doing is cough.

On couple of occassions Abby removes the mask to give him more water or some of the cough syrup but when he’s out he’s dreaming of being in the vent and dying before seeing Gus and Clarke again.

When he finally wakes up he hopes that he hasn’t been embarrassingly mumbling in his sleep the entire time but judging by Abby’s face, which in his surprise is softer, somewhat kinder, he must have.

She’s with her back to him and he manages to throw the blanket off and sit up.

He has to take his bad leg in both hands in order to move it over, feeling it still almost as numb as before.

He groans, coughs, but takes the mask off as he glances at the clock-it’s five thirty-he was already late, everyone else must’ve gotten home.

There was a plate with two sandwiches and a cup of coffee on the metal nightstand by the bed and Abby must’ve heard him moving around because she speaks up even with her back to him.

“Sinclair left you food-” Bellamy opens his mouth to argue when she turns around unhooking the stethoscope from her neck and putting it in her ears as she approaches him “Before you try to argue, you’re going to eat that. You need the strength.” she presses it to his chest and commands him to breathe in, which he does but it just results in another bout of coughs. When she moves to his back, he’s already hunched over from the strain of sitting up-he had to sleep this night if he wanted to be good for Gus’ day tomorrow.

“What’s the verdict, doc?” he asks when she glances at the monitor and checks his vitals, then takes his temperature with the electronic termometer she presses to his forehead.

“You need to rest. If it was up to me I would put you on at least a week’s break from work but Sinclair promised me he’ll take care of you.” she scribbles down something in her chart before going to the locked cabinet above the sink and taking some stuff out.

“Here-syrup for your cough-take it three times a day for a week, then cut it off to two, always after eating-” she instructs putting it on the drawer by the plate “Blood pressure medicine, since you obviously didn’t buy yourself any and this-” she hands him a tube of something “is for the burns.”

“Don’t bother with that, we have something better in Factory.” she raises her eyebrow at him but still puts it in the small brown bag that she prepares for him.

“You need to change the bandages every day-” she instructs “Clarke can, I’m sure...help you with it.” he nods but doesn’t say anything sensing that her mood has changed significantly when she mentioned her daughter.

“Do you want me to rewrap your ribs now?”

“I can’t...can’t breathe with them tightened up so much.”

“I know. I think you can just apply some of the cream, it’ll help with the bruises and only wrap them when your coughing goes down and you feel better, okay?” he nods at that. “You need to stay off your leg as much as you can too. I think the strain you put on it today was a lot, so take it easy, alright?” he nods again, clearly uncomfortable when it comes to that.

“Do you have crutches you can use at home?”

“Yeah.”

“Then I strongly advise you to do so.” he winces at that, he hated using the crutches, avoided doing so at all cost “You can’t rely on just the brace, you put too much pressure on it and never let it rest, not fully. You should be helping yourself out at least at home.” he doesn’t know what to say really so she just sighs, rubs her forehead tiredly and puts her chart away.

“I’ll be seeing you next week for check ups and no-” he opens his mouth to argue “it’s not up for discussion. Those are Sinclair’s orders.” he sighs again and bows his head down “I have to go now, but Sinclair will come by to check on you one last time.”

She leaves with a few more instructions and as much as Bellamy doesn’t want to, he does bite into the sandwiches and starts eating, taking sips of the coffee inbetween, which do wonders for his dizzy brain.

By the time he’s almost done, Sinclair’s there too, he doesn’t talk much but he brings in his clothes from the locker room and a pair of new boots that Bellamy tried to fight him on but it’s clearly no point because the man wasn’t going to give up.

It takes him forever to get changed and he refuses to look down at his broken, fucked up body but he can’t really escape it either.

He breathes a little better, a little easier but his coughs still shatter him-at the end of the day as he puts on his brace, he thinks he’s still lucky that he lived through that, survived and managed to get back on his feet and go home.

Walking proves to be almost as hard as breathing-he must’ve twisted around a lot in the vent, hurt himself, put too much of a strain on his back and leg but now every step he took, he almost teared up.

He was surprised when he found Sinclair waiting for him outside, he thought the man would leave after bringing him his stuff, but he’s there and without saying anything or giving any explanation, he grabs his elbow and helps him up.

Bellamy hates it, he’s never felt more embarrassed in his life, not even when Clarke had supported him or helped him before because with her it was different but Sinclair was his boss and he hadn’t really known him that long-the pity in his eyes was evident and it just added to the psychological buden of the day.

Bellamy could usually take those looks with ease, he grew used to them pretty fast, but now it all just ruined him even more-he wasn’t angry, not really, just...sad.

Extremely sad.

When they made it to level one Bellamy insisted he kept on going himself-people couldn’t see them together or they’ll start asking questions and this was supposedly a secret operation,so Sinclair can’t really argue with that.

He wishes him a good night and leaves him be but the burden in Bellamy’s chest doesn’t ease up.

Before he lef,t he put on his work gloves so hide the bandages away as not to scare Gus-he planned to play it off as nothing was wrong and try to sell it to Clarke and his mom as best as he could.

He believed it’ll work with Gus because he was just too enthusiastic and energetic for tomorrow, he probably wouldn’t even notice him wearing his gloves, plus it’s not like it was a one-time occurance, he put them on all the time and if he managed to hide the bruises and burns for the next few days, he’d never find out something was really wrong.

But with Clarke and his mom...he wasn’t sure his plan would work, they prodded and asked and since Clarke has noticed his coughs already, she’d surely not miss the fact that it had gotten worse.

He barely drags himself home and when he grabs the door handle and stops, giving himself a moment to breathe and prepare, put on his fake smile, he thinks how he feels as if he’s walking a very thin line between being there and passing out and how he had to keep it up in order to make his child happy. 

Gus needed this. After the hard year he’s had, he had to have the best birthday.

So he pushes on and tries to sell his big smile.

“Hey, everyone!” he greets them finding Gus and Clarke on the table, drawing together, finishing up some last preparations for his birthday decorations.

Gus yelps when he sees him, jumps off his chair and runs to his dad.

“Dada, dada, dada, dada!” he’s so happy, so excited that Bellamy can’t let him down-he leans over and picks him up even though the movement itself makes his entire body want to pass out. “Dada, Gus miss you!”

“I’ve missed you too, baby boy!” he hugs him tightly and kisses his cheeks and forehead when they pull away “You have glitter on your nose, little fella!” he says booping his chippery nose, that was the same as Gina’s “Will I find some in your ears too?” Bellamy joked, looking up and Gus giggles.

“No, dada!” but he raises his little hands “Gus got some in his fingews!”

“Yes, he did.” Clarke says sitting back on the chair and glancing at them fondly.

She was still dressed in his clothes, but her hair was down with a little crown-like tie on the back, making her seem like the princess that she truly was except she no longer lived in Alpha and instead spent her evening doing birthday decorations with his son. 

When she meets his eyes and takes a look at him, though, she immideately furrows her eyebrows, sensing that something’s just not right.

Bellamy coughs and puts Gus down, letting him run back off to the table as he carefully moves towards his own chair and sits down with effort, rubbing his leg up and down once he does which again doesn’t go unnoticed by her.

“Where’s mom?”

“She brought him in after day care but had to leave. Said they asked them in to fill another shift tonight and she agreed.” he nods, that wasn’t uncommon plus it was better this way-at least he wouldn’t have to pretend to her tonight too. He only had to sell it to Clarke who was already perching up on the table and giving him a serious look.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine...just a tiring day.” he promises and Gus picks up on it while he draws with his little tongue stuck out in concentration.

“We should go to bed eawy tonait so we can be all wested for tomorrow, rait, dada?”

“You’re absolutely correct, big boy. Let’s get on dinner and put the PJ’s on, alright?” Clarke doesn’t prod, she probably refuses to do so in front of Gus, so she stays quiet but she notices how tired he is, how he barely moves and when he tries to push up to warm dinner, she follows him despite his protests.

It takes him everything to pretend that this is just another normal evening and whenever his leg really buckles under him and he has to grab the side of the table or the counter by the sink, he has to turn away from Clarke so she doesn’t notice his winces. 

He can see she’s not doing great still, she was herself wobbly on her feet and quiet but around Gus she changed-she didn’t mind talking to him or answering his questions and he insisted he sat on her lap and they ate together but once they were done Gus craws up in his dad’s lap and starts dozing off with his back pressed to his chest while they watch the cartoon projected on the wall.

Clarke clears up the table and Bellamy’s afraid that if he picks Gus up and carries him, he’ll just end up falling so he tries to gather as much strength as possible. 

“Here, I can take him-” she says when the dishes are washed up and she’s drying her hands off in a towel that she drops on the table in order to reach out for Gus’ sleeping, slumped figure.

Bellamy shakes his head.

“I got it, princess.” he whispers “You already did more than enough. Go change and wash up, I have to use the bathroom later.”she wants to fight him, tries to speak up but probably realizes she won’t have any luck with it, so she just sighs, runs her hand down Gus’ curls and kisses his head before leaving.

It takes him everything to carry Gus to his little bed, kneel down and carefully tuck him in.

The boy was just barely there, more asleep than awake, just like his dad has been this afternoon and he doesn’t have the strength to talk to his little star so he just uses gestures-he pull’s Bellamy’s jumpsuit with one hand which meant “Lay next to me, dada.” and the other reached for the wall where his mom was, pressing there softly. Bellamy only fit halfway next to him but he stayed there, spooning him, quietly talking to him about how great he is and how much he loved him until he dozed off. 

And then Bellamy does too-that’s the most unexpected thing-he doesn’t know how it happens but he starts falling and he hears some shuffling behind him, something covering him up and a hand through his soft curls but he doesn’t really let it sink in-he’s just so tired, so damn exhausted that being curled up next to his boy was more than enough to warm him up and help him fall. 

The next thing he knows, he wakes up with a start, coughing his lungs out and hurrying to hide his face in his elbow, so Gus doesn’t wake too.

He’s dizzy, disoriented and feels like he’s suffocating. It takes him a minute or two to realize that he’s home, he’s safe and he’s not dying in a vent. The room was cold and mostly dark and when he glances at Clarke he finds that she’s fallen in their bed, curled up under the blankets, sound asleep at least for now. 

Bellamy commands his lungs to calm down as he carefully sits up and grips the metal bedside of Gus’ bed. The kid feels the movement and stirs, mumbles something quietly and rolls over but when his dad’s hand ends up on his back it’s enough to soothe him into stillness. 

He glances up to the electronic clock above the door and finds it’s been just an hour or so since he put Gus to bed. Clarke had cleaned up the table, set all stuff they’ll need for the birthday tomorrow all backed up in bags by the shoe drawer and left the only source of light-his old lantern-type lamp on the floor nearby their beds.

He moves up and almost ends up falling on his ass-forgetting that he took off his brace when he got home, to ease some of the numbness and tension of his leg. 

It’s a real struggle gettin from the bed to the bathroom door where he manages to lean and rest for a minute-he frankly has no idea how he actually makes it there and he only does, much to his own shame, because his crutch’s resting in the corner between the wall and the kitchen counter. 

He can do this-now that no one’s watching him, he can use it, he can show weakness to himself, he doesn’t really care about his own feelings and though it still feels horrible when he puts it under his arm, he’s surprised by the calmness that settles in his heart when he enters the bathroom and carefully closes the door behind him-maybe he should panic-he was still coughing, it was awful to take a breath, to make his lungs contract, to force his body to move, but he was strangely fearless-he always took his pain easier alone than when there were other people around him. 

He sighs and carefully sits on the toilet lid that’s surprisingly down, his arm rests on the nearby sink and he tries to control his breathing-it’s okay....it’ll all be fine, Gus was asleep, so was Clarke-now all he had to do was wrap his ribs, or at least put some cold water on them to ease the tension, then check on his hands.

With care and softness he removes his gloves and finds the bandages wrapped around his fingers and palms relatively okay.

There was some blood that had seeped through here and there but it didn’t hurt, it stung more or less, there was throbbing in his joints, but otherwise it was fine. 

He grunts when he forces himself to stand up and once he looks himself in the mirror he winces-his face was pale and shrunken on him, his eyes dark and tired but it was only when he removed his shirt that he realized his ugliness, his awfulness-the bruises covering almost every inch of his upper torso might’ve seemed like a nice picture for a movie, maybe a famous painter could do it all justice and be remembered for centures after that but all he sees is the simple truth-those blue and purple spots were nothing but yet another proof of his insignificance, of his unimportance, they were punches he took for his loved ones, truly what the poets called battle scars, love marks yet for him they were nothing but disappointment, evidence of his weakness, of his inability to take pain like he should be able to.

Or maybe he did but it just dissolved slowly-like falling in love, it couldn’t ever fully disappear. His love for Gina was the harsh angry red that seemed like a paint brush right under his heart, his affection for Gus, for his son, a heart-shaped one on his shoulder and Clarke’s...Clarke’s was the swollen spot on his side where his ribs were-desperate to be released and make its way through his heart. 

A map of senseless pain-that was him.

He laughs to himself when he picks up the piece of old towel he’s been using in the past few days, letting it under the cold sink stream and pressing it to his ribs-how could he ever think Clarke would love a man like him?

It was a miracle she even called herself his friend.

His stomach has sunk on him, his ribs stuck out like autumn tree branches-angry, black and blue, ugly naked, his arms, still somewhat strong but shaking all the time now like an old drunk man ones. 

He turns whatever’s left of the hot water just to stop the mirror from showing him the reflection of the broken man he has turned into. 

His bandaged hands soak up but he doesn’t care much, he dabs the towel in the soap and cleans his chest up as best as he can-every time he presses it to his skin he wants to yell and his breathing gets ragged and shallow as he tries to undergo his pain.

Finally, as much as he thinks he can take it, he ends up sitting back on the toilet lid with the towel in hand and everything, just everything hurts so damn much-he’s exhausted, he’s so damn tired and he wants to scream, to yell, to toss and destroy.

He rarely let his feelings go like this but his back is killing him, he can’t feel his leg and his chest is on fire-it’s too much, God, it was too damn much and before he knows what’s even happening he’s bawling his hand in a fist and hitting the metal wall between the sink and the toilet he’s sitting on repeatedly.

“Fuck, fuck fuck fuck, fuck it!” he says as he hits and hits and hits feeling his knuckles split, his bones crack and his tears spill down his face “It hurts” he finally slows his movements “It hurts....” he could never say it out loud, not in front of his mother, not in front of Clarke or Gus...he couldn’t be weak, not like that, he couldn’t show it, ever, no matter what.

He keeps hitting but slower now and then he rests his forehead on the cold wall and tries to breathe-his hand falls in his lap, it’s thrumping worse than before-he fucked it even worse-it wasn’t just burned now, it was bruised too but he didn’t care, he couldn’t-he breathed a little easier. 

Or so he thought.

He’s crying, letting his tears spill, wondering how on earth did he get so weak, so barely human anymore?

What did Gus see when he saw him? Was he disgusted by him?

And his mom? Did she still recognize the son she raised or was he a total, barely walking mess? 

The water still running next to him prevents him from hearing the door open up behind him but when he hears Clarke’s voice he jumps.

“Bellamy?” she asks and he pulls his forehead away from the wall but doesn’t turn around.

Great. As if everything wasn’t too much already, now she caught him too-she saw him in his pathetic self-sabotaging self. 

“Go away!” he mumbles and tries to control his voice but it breaks “Please, just go away!”

“What’s wrong?” she steps forward and he hears her close the door behind them “Bellamy, why’s your back bruised?” he winces-he forgot that she doesn’t know about the guards beating him up outside the interrogation room.

He couldn’t tell her-it would just add to the guilt she already felt. 

“Clarke, please...” he manages as he coughs through the words and folds in on himself “Go back to bed.”

A beat-she thinks maybe she’ll recognize the desperation in his voice and go, maybe she’ll sense he needed this to himself-a moment to hate himself and all that he’s become, to self-pity, to look in the mirror and despise the person he’s turned to-a crooked old version of himself.

Maybe she would, he thinks.

But then-

“No.” she says and he recognizes her stubborn streak.

He hears her naked feet pat over the cold floor and he breaths in her familiar scent as she comes to stand behind him. 

Her hand tentatively, weakishly, shakily reaches out to touch his shoulder. 

“Turn around.” she tugs a little at him and he shakes his head.

“You don’t want to see this.” he tries to explain, to shrug her off, maybe a little rudely but her hand remains on him, squeezing tightly now.

“I want to see all of you.” she insists and he chokes on an ugly laugh in disbelief “Bellamy, come on.”

“Be careful what you wish for, princess.” he whispers as he finally lets her turn him only halfway to her because he can’t really make his bad leg move. He keeps his eyes pinned on his hands fallen in his lap but he sneaks a glance at her and sees she’s still standing, taking him in. “I’m disgusting.” he mumbles.

And then she kneels down and puts her hands on his knees.

“If I hear that again, I’ll smack you on the neck.” she treatens and he smiles a little.

“You’re just saying it like that.”

“When have I ever told you something I don’t consider true?” she counters and he’s afraid to meet her eyes so she sneaks her hands in his, turns his bruised hand upside down and touches the swollen red tissue around them completely unabashed. “

Talk to me.” she asks but he just shakes his head, feels ashamed all over-that he allowed himself to be so weak, that he let her catch him-if he hadn’t hit himself in the wall, she probably wouldn’t have.

“I’m sorry I woke you.” he tries instead but she shakes her head and squeezes his wrists.

“Don’t do that.” she scolds mildly “Look at me.” she begs and he can’t say no to that-he finds her eyes are a tired sea of blue that’s also full of anger “Stop constantly taking care of everyone else, stop apologizing, stop trying to hide your pain away.” he looks away again and she reaches up for his cheek, moving his face to her again “If we’re going to live under the same roof, I want us to be honest with each other, okay?’

“Like you’ve been honest about how you feel?” he counters but wants to smack himself on the face for saying that out loud-apparently he has been bursting at the seems lately if he was finally letting it all out and he hated that he couldn’t stop himself.

“I’m sorry-” he apologizes immideately “That wasn’t fair.”

“No, it wasn’t.” she whispers back “But it also wasn’t wrong.” she stands up and pushes Gus’ little chair that he used to stand on so he can wash on the sink, and sits on it, finally on the same level as him. 

“I can’t ask something of you that I’m not doing myself.” her calmness, the gentle voice with which she speaks helps calm the raging ocean in him too “So...full disclosure” she takes a deep breath “I’m not okay.” it’s his turn to tighten his grip on her hands and give her a soft look. “And I don’t think I’ll be okay for a long time.” he nods, swallowing hard and looking at their cojoined hands before he too speaks up.

“I’m not okay either.” he whispers “I’ll never be okay.”

“Don’t say never.” she insists gripping his wrists again so she doesn’t touch his bruised hands “Please.” she had hope, he realized then, she had hope for him, for things getting better and though he didn’t, he also refused to break the moment-maybe it was good that she believed and he didn’t.

Maybe it was for the better.

“Okay.” he agrees with a small smile and for a moment there they just stay like this, hands in hands in the quietness of the small bathroom place.

He knows she’s looking at him, mapping the bruises and injuries of his body but he remains quiet, he couldn’t hide anymore...didn’t want to, really.

“Can I ask about it?” he shrugs, not saying yes but not denying her either and she reaches up to touch a particularly nasty bruise on his ribs that makes him jump at first-her cold fingers against his burning skin were like a bolt of lightening but then he relaxes into her touch and lets her feel how bad it all was.

It roams up and down, close to his heart, then his middle, then his left side until it ends up on the swollen skin of his back-he’s afraid to meet her eyes because he knows he’ll find her eyebrows furrowed and her lips pursed in anger.

“How did this happen?” she asks and he swallows hard-he couldn’t do this, he couldn’t add to her guilt.

“Work accident.” he lies staring at his feet again.

“I thought we’d be honest with each other.”

“Clarke-”

“Those are at least a week old and you weren’t at work a week ago, I know...I remember, because we were both at the same place at the same time.” he sighs and finally meets her eyes. “Who was it?” she prods “Wells? Thelonious? My mom?” he shakes his head.

“Just the guards outside the interrogation room.” he says carefully “They thought they’d have their fun with me, it’s not a big deal.”

“It is a big deal.” she presses on the swollen place on his back again to prove his point and he winces “Did you cough blood?”

“I’m fine.”

“Did you?” he nods and she finally lets her hands leave his body and rest on her own knees, he could see how hard she was trying to hold on, not let the guilt swallow her “And your hands?”

“That really was a work accident.” he emphasizes on it, making sure she knows he’s not lying this time “I had to climb a vent, fix something but I burned my hands.”

“Is that why you’ve been coughing so bad this week?”

“Yeah.”

“And you were trying to do what now? Fix your bandages?” he nods and shrugs a little when he reaches over and rubs the inside of her hand, near her elbow. “I can do it, you should go back to bed.”

“Yeah, that’s not happening.” she cuts him off and he laughs as he shakes his head “I’ll take care of these. Tonight and every night after until you heal.”

She stands up and opens up the cupboard, grabbing a fresh pair of bandages that was just neatly cut old rags washed up and dried by his mom, and a bottle of yellow sanitizer and miracle rub. 

He reaches up and grabs her wrist before she’s started, though, making her turn to him.

“Only if you let me take care of you too.” he insists and she tilts her head to the side, confusion evident in her eyes “Don’t pull away from me, from us. Let me be there for you.”

It’s her turn to look down, a little too shy, too embarrassed.

“I don’t know how.”

“Me either...but maybe we can learn together?” he offers and when she looks at him now there’s a glimpse of hope there besides all the tears and pain and she nods with a small soft smile rubbing her thumb on the inside of his hand, mirroring his. 

“Okay, let’s get these changed.” she sits back down and puts his hand up, resting it on her leg while she carefully unwraps the bandages her mom did. As if reading his mind she asks “Who did this?”

“I don’t know...some young medic from GoSci my boss called over.” he lies and he hates it-they had just promised to be honest with each other and he was already shitting all over it.

But he also knew he couldn’t do it-he couldn’t tell her about Abby because if he did he had to explain Sinclair and working on level eleven and he was literally forbidden to do so.

In that moment he hates himself more than she could ever hate him if she knew the truth.

Still, Clarke doesn’t prod-she seems a little perplexed but she probably doesn’t doubt his words-medics rarely went to Farm or Factory even when there was a person who needed them, most of the times they left those calls unanswered, or said they’ll send someone but never did and if anyone really did come, it was usually a young intern who had no idea what they were doing.

She rewraps his hands with ease and grace he could never posses and before he knows it, she’s making him sit up straighter so she could apply some miracle rub on his ribs and back. 

“You’re born to do this, you know?” he says as her fingers pepper on his shoulder blade, the one she had operated on so many moons ago. “I’ve always hated doctors but I’ve never been afraid of you.”

“I’ll take this as a compliment.” she jokes and he laughs a little which only turns into another cough and makes his hand shoot for his ribs. She stops her movements and pulls his back to her body, running her fingers through curls softly, making him look up at her. 

“Shh, you’re okay.” she calms him down and he closes his eyes, letting himself rest like this, leaning against her, feeling her fingers pepper over his forehead, massage his head gently for just the briefest of moments before moving down to his eyelids, the skin under his eyes, that he knew was almost black from his constant lack of sleep, his hallow stubbled cheeks until her hands settle on the place between his beard and neck and cup his face, holding him close.

He speaks his fear then for the first time ever since the accident.

“It’s ugly, isn’t it?” he asks opening his eyes to find her looking down at him fondly at first until his question peppers her features with confusion “My body.”

“No it’s not.” she insists and he smiles, knowing she’s saying it just so “It’s not, Bellamy.” to prove her point she leans over and kisses his forehead, making his heart beat so loudly in his chest that for a moment he feels dizzy and sways a little.

She catches him in the most embarrassing of ways as she moves forward and this time pulls his head to her stomach, continuing to run her fingers down his hair.

“Swiped you off your feet, didn’t I?” she jokes to dissappitate the tension “Thought that was the boy’s job.”

“That would be so if I was actually standing.” he jokes a little and they delicately do not talk about the elephant in the room which is his thrumping heart and her shaky fingers combined with her rosy cheeks. “And I don’t think I can do that right now, princess, sorry.”

She slides back down to his knees and pats at his bad leg, knowing she needs him to stretch it out which of course he does-her hands move expertly over the swollen flesh and he lets her because he doesn’t feel as uncomfortable as when Abby was checking him up. 

“I need you to do something for me.” she asks when she stops and moves back on Gus’ chair. “As hard as it is for you, I want you to try, please.”

“What is it?” he reaches for her hands again, taking them in his bandaged ones.

“I want you to use the crutch at home-” he opens his mouth to argue “At least at home, please.”

“I can’t let Gus see me like this.”

“Bellamy...he’s already seeing you like this.” she notes “You actually using the help you need would probably make it easier for him, make him worry less.” he shakes his head “Please...just try it, okay?”

Finally, he relents and with a small nod, he agrees to it.

When she helps him up and hands him the crutch, which he shoves under his arm on his bad side, she swiftly throws his arm over her shoulders on his good one and helps him back to bed.

This time it’s her who puts him down first and under his guidance she checks on Gus to see if he’s warm enough (”He’s good, Bellamy”), cleans up the bathroom and brings him a fresh t-shirt and a glass of water which he drinks easily.

After, she sneaks under the blankets with him but lies on her back, hands clasped over her stomach as she listens to his shallow breathing next to her, his position mirroring hers.

“I’m sorry” she finally says and he turns his head to her, raising his eyebrow in confusion “For what I did to you.”

“What you did to-” he begins confused but then stops when he feels her hand reach over his ribs, rubbing the bruises softly “That’s not your fault.” he insists, covering her fingers with his bandaged ones and sliding them down between them on the bed, intertwining them with hers as much as he could. “It’s not, Clarke.”

She refuses to turn her head to him but he can see the tears streaming down her cheeks and he tugs her hand a little, trying to press her body closer to his, but she doesn’t want to let him hold her, probably because she thinks that he’ll hurt too much.

“If I’m going to use the crutch then I need you to do something for me too.” he counters.

“That’s blackmaill.”

“No, it’s not, it’s trying to beat your stubbornness.”

“Excuse me? You’re calling me stubborn?”

“Okay, okay just-” he raises his hands “Please, just let me hold you, okay?” she sighs, rolls on her side and tries to reason with him.

“Bellamy, your body’s covered in bruises.”

“That didn’t stop you last night.” he points out a little too smug which makes her slap his arm and him ouch a little.

“Last night I had no idea they existed.”

“So what changes now?”

“Now I know I can hurt you.” he shakes his head and moves his arm up.

“You’ll never hurt me, princess.” he begs, eyes big and pleading like Gus’ “Come here.” she tries to fight him one last time but when she sees he’s relentless she snuggles closer to him and he wraps his arm around her back and pulls her to his chest. She rests her head on his shoulder and buries her nose in the crook of her neck, listening to the beating of his heart that lulls her to sleep. 

“So damn stubborn...” she mumbles under her nose making him chuckle.

“Love you too, princess.” he says as she dozes off, his lips pressed to her forehead, making her heart beat out of her chest.

She thinks that she was wrong to make fun of him earlier-if she had been standing, she would’ve swayed too because that boy made her world go upside down.

 

Chapter 29

Notes:

A/N: I'm so sorry for taking so long to update again! I've been sick and then I wrote two one-shots one of which I post here, that is a 3x02 canon divergence and I've also been working on my other mental health fic and posting that! I hope that you'll like this one-it's again a very long chapter that will be split in two or three but it's about Gus' birthday!

Thank you for the comments-it's what keeps me going!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Next morning, Bellamy wakes up at five, way before everyone else but then again he always does, especially on Gus’ birthday.

The kid’s still sound asleep and when he puts his hand under the blanket he finds that Gus' feet are warm but he still tosses over his one to be sure. Clarke feels him move and groans, but he tells her to go back to sleep so she just rolls over and hoards whatever warmth he’s left behind for her, curling up on herself.

He almost wishes to cheat and not use his crutch but when he gets up on his feet, he realizes he’ll definitely need it-that and he didn’t want to start the day with a lie, not this one at least and he’s surprised when he finds that he’s much quieter when he has it, probably because he was much more stable like that.

He doesn’t turn the lights off right away-first he cleans himself up, puts on his best shirt that was an old plaid one with patches on the elbows and his only pair of jeans as well as the boots Sinclair gave him because they were the only decent ones, and then gets on preparing the special breakfast. 

The more time passes, the more they start to wake but they are both so funny like that, that they just refuse to leave bed unless you physically drag them, it makes him laugh, watching as Gus pulls the blanket up his head when he finally turns the lights on and Clarke groan, curse and throw her arm over her eyes to block it.

Even the smell of fresh pancakes, the products for which cost him a fortune, weren’t enough to bring them out even if they did make Gus’ nose scrunch up above the covers. 

It’s a bit of a struggle to set the table and he drops a metal cup, which finally drags Clarke out of bed and she, despite her morning lazy adorable-ness, helps him put the table cloth and set the plates and forks. She even brings the pancakes in the middle of it and attempts to steal one, which results in him swatting her hand.

“Shh! Be patient, princess!”

“But-” he raises an eyebrow and she scoffs, which is the cutest he’s ever seen her “Fine, but I’m drinking coffee.”

“You have been for the past hour-” he smirks pointing at the cup in her hand “Or did you not remember me handing you this?” she just grunts louder and he laughs-she was such a mess when she was sleepy, you’d never believe that she’s a doctor trained to deal with night shifts and long hours of being on her feet. 

“Is it time?” she asks when they’re done with everything and Bellamy glances up at Gus’ sleeping figure. He was mumbling something in on himself, quietly, dreaming probably and it was the most adorable of things-that or he was annoyed that the lights are on and he couldn’t get his sleep. 

Bellamy nods as he turns to her again.

“Would you help me get his present?” he asks of her “It’s in the floor board under the shoe drawer by the door.” she nods, knowing exactly what he means as this was the same spot the guards looked through when they came for the surprise inspection. She never knew he’d use it again, not since it was compromised and the guards had written about it in their protocols as a place to be looked through and sealed on the next inspection but he probably chose it for that exact same reason-there were only so many places you could hide a present from a curious four-year-old boy. 

She finds a small square box, carefully wrapped in blue paper with a nice cloth ribbon as was the tradition in Factory, and she carefully carried it to Bellamy who has already kneeled down Gus’ bed, placed the crutch beside him and was gently shaking him awake.

“Hey, big boy, wake up!” he mumbles and Gus groans, burying his nose in the pillow.

“Noooo” he mumbles.

“Hmm, are you sure? I’m hearing there’s a birthday boy in the house and he’s about to get his first present.” Bellamy sneaks his hand under the blankets and tickles Gus.

The kid giggles rolls on his stomach, twists and turns like a baby worm but pretends to be asleep. It was all part of their game, Clarke assumes as she sits down behind Bellamy, hiding the present from Gus’ still-not-opened eyes. 

“Weave me, sleep monstew!” Gus mumbles as he rolls with his back to his dad. Bellamy moves up and pats his shoulder.

“I will if you open your eyes.” Gus sighs like a grown up and rolls over, stretching his arms on both sides like a kitten and then rubbing at his eyes and face.

“But dada, shouldn’t I sweep mowe since it’s my birthday?” he asks with a yawn “It’ll be a big day.”

“Indeed, which is why we need to get up, eat and get ready for your big party, okay?” Bellamy leans over and peppers his face with kisses “Happy birthday, Augustus Martin Blake!” he says and Gus giggles wrapping his tiny arms around his neck “It’s your dad’s most favorite day of the year.”

“Is it, dada?” he asks finally sitting up moving up with Bellamy who sits up on the cot with Clarke’s help and pulls him to his lap, tossing the blanket over his back so he could be warm enough.

“Yes, I’m the happiest, proudest father in the entire Ark.”

“The entiwe dada?”

“Yep, the universe even.” Bellamy promises rubbing his little cheeks with his big hands.

He had covered his bandages with another pair of gloves today-black, fingerless, ones Clarke had seen him wear many times especially at home. She couldn’t say Bellamy wasn’t smart enough when it came to hiding his injuries and pain away-the bruises she saw last night were a week old and she never suspected something was wrong before she caught him.

Maybe because both her and Aurora and even Gus, were used to seeing him in pain all the time. The thought made her shiver-this wasn’t what he deserved but it was what he got and she hated it, she hated it so damn much.

“You’re the best dad in the universe too, dada!” Gus promises with a big bright smile and moves up to kiss his dad’s cheek “Gus loves you too.” they hug each other again and Bellamy buries his nose in the crook of Gus’ small neck. The kid holds tight onto him as if his life depends on it and Clarke tears up at the sight of them.

“Okay now, you little koala bear-time for your present.” Bellamy whispers pulling him a little and gesturing at Clarke who sits on the other side and hugs Gus too, kisses his forehead and wishes him a happy birthday as she passes Bellamy his blue box. 

“Oh, it’s so big, dada!” Gus exclaims when Bellamy puts it between his outstretched legs “Can we affowd that?” Bellamy’s face twists in pain, hating the fact that Gus’ first thought is if they can afford his present.

It has been a constant question in the past week as Bellamy came home and explained that he bought this or that for the party and Gus always asked ”Can you do that, dada?”, “Do you have ration points, dada?” and though Bellamy assured him constantly that he had saved enough and they’re fine, he still caught Gus hoarding sandwiches or sugar apple pieces in his little school bag.

Aurora had found them by accident when she smelled something nasty comiing from the corner where Gus put his school stuff and Bellamy had to sit him down and talk to him, explain that everything was fine and there was no need for him to do this.

Gus said he understood and he stopped hoarding things but he still asked, just like now. It was hard for Bellamy and Clarke knew it kept him awake at night. 

“Yes, we can.” Bellamy assures “Open up now, birthday boy.” Gus carefully unwrapps his ribbon and tears the blue paper away to find an ordinary brown box that he lifts up and jiggles a little in the air, making them both laugh.

“What is it, dada?”

“Well, you’ll have to see, son.” Gus opens up the lid and gasps when he looks inside. 

It wasn’t just one thing, that was it really-Bellamy had filled the box with everything he could. Gus pulls out some clothes first-a really nice blue and red plaid-shirt paired with an almost brand new pair of khaki trousers as well as some new socks, underwear and a few t-shirts. Then there was a small stuffed toy that Gus pressed to his chest staring at it with adoration and confusion.

“What’s that animal, dada?”

“It’s a hedgehog, son.” Bellamy explains “It has a pointy spine and a sweet soft belly with the cutest of muzzles.” Gus is the happiest and presses it to his chest, kissing it and talking to it. Then there’s a pair of metal cars and a truck that Bellamy wielded and then colored himself but the biggest gift of them all was a small plastic ball perched up on a little black stand, reminding Clarke of the crystal balls that old ladies used to try and fortune tell in the movies she’s seen as a kid.

“What’s that, dada?” Bellamy smiles and carefully takes it off Gus’ hands, putting it on the ground by his bed. 

“You’ll see just now, buddy.” Bellamy promises “Come here.” he asks of him and  Gus perches up on the edge of his cot and biting on his index finger as he stared down at the weird device curiously “Clarke, can you give me a hand?” he asks of her handing her the small black cable “There’s a small button on the left, can you please turn it on.” she leans over and easily finds the on and off switch red button, pushing it up.

And then the ball lights up and she sees the stars carved into it projecting on the ceiling. Gus gasps so loudly he almost topples off the bed in his enthusiasm and Bellamy catches him last minute.

“Dada! Dada! It’s the night sky!” Gus exclaims staring down at the ball in awe.

“It is indeed, now lay back down-” Bellamy instructs as he pushes them both on Gus’ small pillow and the kid gasps at the ceiling. “Look up, little Gus, the universe is in your room!” Gus claps his tiny hands as he marvels at what he’s witnessing-mouth agape, eyes wide, he was practically shaking with excitement. 

Clarke has no idea where Bellamy got this from but it truly was beautiful and she finds her own eyes lingering at the ceiling.

“Oh, dada!!! It’s so pretty.” Gus says his arms reaching to touch the stars. Bellamy smiles as he looks at him and strokes his beautiful curls with his hand before pulling his face for another kiss.

“This way you don’t have to always go to the starboard window bay to really talk to mama.” Bellamy explains and Gus’ eyes go wide as he fully understands the present now. His dad guides his little hand to the small star he’s carved for him by his head and together they touch it, Bellamy’s big hand covering Gus’ smal one “You can do it whenever you want to.”

“Every night?” Gus asks hopefully.

“Every night, big boy.” the kid nods solemnly and keeps staring up ahead at the myriad of stars covering their ceiling, eyes big and beautifully brown, reflecting the lights above them. 

“I like this better than the stawboad, dada” Gus says softly staring up ahead “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome, son.” Bellamy says with a smile and Gus throws himself in his embrace again.

Clarke can see his chest hurts like this but he never complains, never groans or says anything, he just takes it, as he always did and holds his son as he explains they can leave the sky on all night, that it’ll never fade or die with the elctricity because it has batteries and that this way his mom will look down at him and keep him safe through the good and bad nights, chase away the nightmares and the cold and keep him warm. 

At some point during their talk it becomes too much for Clarke, so she excuses herself and sneaks back to the bathroom where she cries her heart out but then she remembers, as she washes her face from the tears that this isn’t what Gus and Bellamy needed or wanted-they hated pity and this was, after all, a happy occassion, so she does her best to get herself in order and come back out to be with them. 

“Clarke, Clarke, come taste the pancakes!” Gus blabbs mouth already full, honey and milk spread on his face, making her chuckle. He looked adorable and seemed so happy.  “Dada made them best!”

“Makes them the best.” Bellamy corrects as he wipes at his mouth with a clean napkin.

“Oh really? I’m not sure about that.” she counters sitting on Gus’ other side and stealing a pancake from the bunch.

Gus had already destroyed three, much to Bellamy’s delight, but she noticed that the one in his plate remained untouched, so she gives him a hard look and he groans as he starts munching on it slowly. In the end, he gives his half to Gus, who destroyes it while explaining to Clarke what a hedgehog is, after Bellamy apparently gave him a short lesson while she was in the bathroom. 

Aurora too comes in and Gus jumps and runs to her, climbing on top of her like a monkey on a branch. She was wearing a really nice green-plaid dress, her hair was down and tied in a little braid falling in the middle, she had put on lipstick and painted her nails a very pale pink. Frankly, she didn’t look much like herself but both Clarke and definitely Bellamy who’s face stretches in a warm smile, enjoyed it.

“Gwandma, you look so pwetty!” Gus said as he pulled away from their hug.

“I have to, it’s my beautiful grandson’s birthday and the Blakes never disappoint, right?”

“Rait!”

“Happy Birthday, my beautiful boy!” Aurora says when she lets him down and kneels to his level, pulling out a small box wrapped in the same blue paper and brown cloth ribbon.

Later on, Clarke would find out that this is how all presents for boys were wrapped in Factory and she’d go back to her own birthdays with all the different yellow and red and green wrappers that she tore up without thinking twice.

Gus was careful when he unwrapped his presents as if he was afraid he’d break something on the otuside before he even got to the bottom of it and she thought how that was a nice metaphor for life too, for love in the family as well-that you had to threat things gently on the outside, love them before you’ve known them and then hold them dear to your heart.

She came to realize that’s what the Blakes had done with her too-Bellamy had extended his hand and been kind to her and helped her before he knew her and she did the same for him but only now were they reaching the point of seeing each other for who they truly were and as ugly and broken as those parts could be, at the core, she knew, there was love.

“Gwandma, what is it?” Gus asks before he had open a similar brown generic box as his dad’s present has been put in except this one is a little bit longer and thinner. 

“Look up, my child.” Aurora boosts him a little and Gus adorably sits on the floor, takes in a deep breath making his dad and grandma chuckle and then opens the box.

Clarke thinks it’ll be a book considering the shape but she’s just as surprised as Gus is when he finds out a children’s doctor’s kit.

“GWANDMA!!!” Gus exclaims hopping on his feet and holding the kit in shaky hands “GWANDMA, ITS DOCTOW! I’M A DOCTOW!! Dada, dada! Look, look!” he yelps and runs to the table “Doctor Clarke look! I’m gon be a doctow now too! Look, look!”

“I can see, baby boy, it’s amazing!” Clarke beams when he waves it in her face and Bellamy chuckles at his enthusiasm.

“It has stethoscope and-and...” he turns to Clarke and points at something.

“That’s a scalpel, buddy.”

“Ohhhh!!! SO COOL! TO CUT IN PEOPLE RIGHT?”

“Okay, I’m starting to fear for my own life.” Bellamy jokes running his hand through Gus’ curls “What do we say now, big boy.” Gus jumps and runs back to his grandma throwing himself in her arms again.

“Thank you, twank you, THANK YOU, GWANDMA RORY!” he yells making them all laugh. “That’s the best birthday present, EVER!”

“I thought mine was the best.” Bellamy jokes, pretending to be angry as he crosses his arms over his chest and Gus rushes to come back in and climb on his lap.

“No, dada, I love yours too.”

“I’m kidding, sweet boy, come on now, let’s finish breakfast and get you ready, okay?” Gus, though completely ignores his dad and reaches out for Clarke, begging to be picked up by her.

She pulls him to her lap and they unpack the doctor set together, making Bellamy’s heart clench at the sight of them like this.

It never failed to amaze him how soft and careful and patient Clarke was with Gus-he’d get a little too enthusiastic sometimes, blab in a way you couldn’t really understand him, but she’d slow him down, ask patiently what he needs and then explain it to him.

Now they went through all the things Gus found there, which weren’t that many but it made his day-the stethoscope, the scalpel, a little hammer that was for the knee-jerk effect apparently, plastic scissors for some reason and a shot that terrified Bellamy despite it not being real. 

“Hey, son.” Aurora comes by and wraps her arms around his back, leaning over to kiss his cheek “Happy birthday to your beautiful boy, who has the best person in the world for a dad!”

“Thank you, mom.” Bellamy blushes at the compliment “Not sure how true that is, though.”

“It’s true. Look at him-” she nods as she settles on the third and only available chair as she nods at Gus who’s blabbing up at Clarke and waving the little plastic hammer “He’s happy.”

“He hasn’t always been happy this last year.” Bellamy mumbles looking down at his gloves hands “In fact, he’s had more pain and suffering than ever...because of me.”

“Bellamy-”

“It’s true, mom...” he shakes his head “No matter what we say, I brought my son pain.”

“Life is pain” she insists squeezing his shoulder “and it is happiness too. To separate them and have just one would mean to not be living at all.” he sighs but she grabs his chin and turns his face to her. “You did good, Bellamy.” she promises “I’m so proud of you for raising him to be the boy that he is.”

“Thanks, mom.” he smiles just barely but he’s grateful for having her here with them “Thank you for raising me to be the kind of man who can raise a boy like Gus.” Aurora’s eyes glisten with tears and she rubs her thumb under his tired eye, the dark circles there more pronounced than ever.

“Dada, dada, let’s play doctor!” Gus jumps excitedly, the stethoscope already thrown over his neck like Clarke’s used to be before. He glances up at her to make sure she’s fine but finds her looking at Gus with love and...nostalgy. He knows all this must be giving her some bad memories or flashbacks and the last thing he wanted was for her to feel bad today.

“How about we do it tonight, baby boy, you need to get ready now?” Bellamy says and Gus’ face falls a little at that, he had already climbed half up in his lap and was ready to be his doctor, so Bellamy pulls him up sitting and sighs “Fine, but just five minutes, okay?”

“Yeyyyy!” Gus exclaims happilly as he puts his stethoscope in his ears and then presses it to Bellamy’s stomach.

“What do you hear, little man?” Clarke jokes and just then Bellamy’s stomach grows.

“Dada’s hungry!” Gus exclaims making them all chuckle.

“So what would you prescribe then?” Aurora asks fondly looking at her grandson as he pats his chin in deep thoughts.

“Pancakes!” he decides, raising his little finger in the air and giving his dad a serious look before turning to Clarke “Would you pass me the recit notebook, doctow Clawke I need to write down my prescwiption!”

Clarke picks up a few stranded pieces of paper and hands them over to Gus who juts his little tongue out as he scribbles down with his pen, then pretends to tear it over and hands it to his dad.

“Here you go, sir!” he says seriously “A prescription for pancakes.”

“How many times a day should I take them?”

“Twice, sir, but it would be better if you could take at least five, three times a day.”

“Oh, that’s a lot, I’m not sure the Factory station kitchen can catch up with your demands, doctor Blake.” Gus beams when his dad calls him that but only allows himself a moment of gushing in his pride before growing serious once more.

“I’ll talk to the kitchen staff and make sure they pwepawe as much as you shall need, sir.”

“In this case I’m deeply grateful, doctor.” Bellamy continues playing along throwing playful looks at Clarke and his mom but being absolutely serious with Gus “It has been my greatest wish all my life that I could eat pancakes for breakfast, lunch and dinner.” he puts his hand over his heart “You made my dreams come true.” Gus claps his hands happily and then throws himself in his dad’s embrace, wrapping his arms tightly around him.

“Love you, dada!”

“Love you so, so, so much, big boy.” Bellamy says, burying his nose in the crook of Gus’ neck and breathing him in “Now let’s get you washed up and ready for your big day, okay?”

“We’ll clean the table.” Aurora tells Bellamy as he raises Gus up and despite the pain in his leg, carries him to the bathroom.

“That’s okay, I can do it later.”

“No, no, I want to give Clarke something anyway-” Aurora says picking up a small package she has brought with herself that Bellamy thought was just an extra something for Gus.

His mom had the bad tendency to spoil his kid too much giving him not one but two presents on his big day, always a big something, she called it, and then a little something-usually a sweet treat or a lollipop but he knew that this alone had cost her at least two or three extra hours of work for a week.

When he had tried confronting her about it, she had said that she has just one grandson and she shall spoil him for as long as she’s alive and Bellamy could do nothing about it. 

“Me?” Clarke asks surprised “Aurora, I-”

“Shh, quiet child.” Aurora scolds her gently before putting her package on the table and looking up at Bellamy and Gus who had tilted his little head in an adorable sweet way and munching on his hand curious as to what his grandma was up to.

“What are you doing standing there? Go your way!” she shooshes the boys too and they scatter in the bathroom, closing the door behind them.

Aurora smiles carefully as she opens up the paper wrapped package and reveals a beautiful light yellow dress with buttons on the front, short sleeves and a small belt around the waist. It was simple yet there was something so nice and beautiful about it-it was the embrodery that made it stand out-there were red little birds on the collar and a really nice traditional Factory pattern going down on both sides of the front and on the bottom where it ended there were leaves and flowers following each other in a colorful purple and red pattern making Clarke’s breath stuck in her throat.

“Aurora, this is-” she had been at a loss for words, holding up the end of the dress and staring at it, marvelling at its beauty. 

“It’s not perfect and it’s quite thin for the current conditions of our station but I also picked you this long sleeve shirt-” she pulls a regular white Ark-issued shirt “and these leggings.” she puts on a pair of black basic leggings by the dress.

“I can’t take that, it’s-” Clarke’s eyes water “Aurora, it’s way too much.”

“No, it’s not. You deserve this.”

“I don’t.”

“Yes, you do.” Aurora insists, taking Clarke’s hands in hers and squeezing them tightly “How many times have you saved my son’s life? How many times have you sneaked in here to help him risking your own safety? And Gus? You saved him from spending weeks in the hospital with pneumonia just this month.”

“I...that’s my job. Or..was my job.” she says swallowing down her tears but letting one of them escape her eye anyway and roll down her cheek pathetically. Aurora catches it with her thumb and cups her face. 

“Hey-” she says softly, motherly, like Abby never had before “Don’t you give up on yourself. Things will work out, you’ll see.” Clarke smiles and nods politely not really believing her words but refusing to argue about it now, not on this day anyway.

“I still can’t accept this.”

“You can and you will.” Aurora insists and for a moment Clarke can see why Bellamy was scared of her sometimes-she was a badass mother-she could kick your ass and put you in your place in a second, reminding you to never argue with her again. “I love my son and his good heart but you can’t go to Gus’ birthday wearing his clothes. Plus, you need something of your own too now that you’ll be living here and this is the best I could do.”

“It’s more than enough.” Clarke assures “The patterns are so beautiful.”

“I made them myself-the dress was too simple.” Clarke gives her a surprised look and her mouth falls a little making Aurora laugh “Don’t worry, I can teach you some day if you want.”

“I do.” Clarke says eagerly. Aurora knew she’s good with the sewing because of her work as a surgeon and doctor, stitching people’s skin together and in the past few days Clarke has been pestering her to bring her clothes to mend but Aurora was reluctant, thinking she needs more time to rest and recover before she picks up working again.

Bellamy had told her she had been too weak and wasn’t handling the transition that well, her body being exhausted from the lack of food and her mind raging with memories of Jackson’s floating but now as she saw her beam like this, she realized maybe she needed a distraction of sorts and helping out mending clothes could prove to be a good one.

“Have you thought about bringing me some work?”

Aurora sighs as she sits down and nods at her to put on the new clothes and get ready while she cleaned up the plates, bringing them to the sink. 

“I’ll see what I can get.” Aurora finally says turning around with wet hands just as Clarke was putting on her dress “But I’m not sure Bellamy will agree.”

“We don’t have to tell him...at least not right now.” Clarke says as she puts on the dress and adjusts the shirt underneath before buttoning it up. Aurora beams when she sees her, abandoning her work by the sink to come help her fix it up and then pushing her to sit on the chair, taking her hair in her hands and braiding it for her. “He has a lot on his plate as it is.”

“Has he told you something about his new project?” Aurora prods carefully as Clarke feels her twist and turn the strands of her hair in an interesting and unnatural way. She tries to peak up but Aurora carefully maneuvers her head downn a little and shushes her to stop wiggling like an an impatient Gus. 

“Not much...just that it’s a big thing that will take time.”

“I’m worried about him.” Aurora shares, her voice wavering a little and Clarke feels her stop moving her hands, obviously thinking over her words. 

“He’ll be fine.” Clarke hopes her voice doesn’t betray her but when she squeezes her eyes shut she sees the bruises on his body from last night, the blisters on his hands and she shivers a little.

Bellamy had asked her not to tell anyone but she was wondering if maybe she should-Aurora knew better the conditions in Factory, what if he got himself in some mess that he needed to be taken out of? He has been bringing food out of nowhere and not just anything-fruit and sweet things she knew were hard to get.

“I’ll keep an eye on him.”

“Good.” Aurora finishes up her work and ties her hair at the end, squeezing her shoulders tightly before leaning closer and swiping a few strands of stray hair from her forehead, tucking them gently, motherly behind. “I know that what happened to you was horrible but-” she swallows hard as she sits opposite of her and cups her cheek “I’m glad you’re here with us.”

“I may bring you more trouble than anything.”

“Nonescenece.” Aurora scolds mildly “You make both Bellamy and Gus beam and I couldn’t be more grateful.”

Just then the bathroom door opens and Bellamy and Gus come out all freshened up and dressed. Gus is wearing the new clothes his dad gave him, his neatly cur hair is combed carefully and he’s jumping around enthusiastically, blabbing about his prince crown and them needing to go so they wouldn’t be late. Bellamy follows, carefully limping after him, again having abandoned all thoughts of using his crutch and struggling to move without even his brace on, making Clarke furrow her eyebrows at him.

And then his eyes fall on her and he sways so hard he has to grab the edge of the table so as not to fall. Gus follows his eyes and his little jaw falls too.

“Wooooooow!” he exclaims completely mesmerized “You’re so pwetty, Clarke.” She stands up and fixes her dress, feeling herself blush a little as her hand carefully touches the braid Aurora did, finding the pattern to be too complex and unfamiliar but feeling good and not too tight nonetheless. 

“Yes, she is.” Bellamy exhales a little eyes fixated on her, unable ot look away. 

“Well she couldn’t go to your birthday wearing daddy’s sweatpants now, could she?” Aurora tells Gus who walks to Clarke and reaches his hands up, begging to be taken. Once in her arms he gushes over her carefully cups her cheeks and looks at her braid, marvelling her.

“You did this mom?” Bellamy asks as he carefully approaches Clarke and peels Gus off her embrace, afraid that the strain of holding him may send her passing out like the other day-she looked so beautiful but he didn’t miss the fact that she seemed like she can fall any minute now-she was so thin, had lost so much weight. 

Aurora nods and doesn’t miss the way her son can’t keep his eyes off Clarke. He smiles softly at her and reaches out to squeeze her shoulder.

“You look stunning, princess.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Yes it is.” he promises before leaning over and kissing her cheek, softly, boyishly, feeling his own cheeks blush “Thank you for sharing this day with us.” he mumbles in her ear before pulling back and she feels not just her face but her entire body burning.

“Thank you for allowing me to do so.” she says back and for a moment it feels like they’re the only two people in the universe-simply staring at each other, taking each other in, on the edge of something more but too afraid to actually go there with too many things in between them. Bellamy swallows hard and steps back, Gus still in his arms, glancing curiously between the two of them.

“I bet you won’t be saying this at the end of the day.” he jokes, trying to dissappitate the tension and managing to do so because Clarke chuckles and shakes her head, adorably tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

Together, they all get ready, put on all the food and game things and costumes in three big bags that they distribute between each other. Bellamy of course insists on taking the heaviest one and as he’s putting on his shoes and strapping on his brace, Clarke kneels in to help him out and whispers carefully, so that Aurora and Gus don’t hear them.

“Are you okay?” he nods and reaches to take her hand, squeezing it tightly.

“I’m good.”

“When we get back I’ll rewrap your ribs, okay?” he smiles, rubbing his hand over hers gently and tilting his head.

“I’m fine, princess.” he promises and even winks at her but she knows better, she can see right through him. He has coughed a lot again this morning and he couldn’t even clench his fingers because of the burns on his hand, she surely also doesn’t miss the way he stands up and limps when they follow jumping Gus out in the hallway and neither does Aurora who throws worried looks his way but he dismisses them with one simple wave of his hand.

Clarke accommodates to his walking pace, she learns now how to do this. HIs mom is much better at it, it’s like she knew how many steps he can take before he needs to stop and she did it as if on instinct. She thought it made sense, maybe it was just natural, the motherly thing to do and she tried to adjust to it as well but on occassions she or Aurora had to rush forward and take Gus’ hand to stop him from wandering too far ahead or get lost in the crowd.

The kid was so enthusiastic, he couldn’t stop jumping and blabbering, turning around and talking to them as he walked, falling on his tiny butt a few times but not even registering it and getting on his feet right away which made Bellamy smile and swell his chest with pride but then on the third time when a guard eyes them curiously he grabs Gus’ hand and swiftly pushes him up, letting him climb on his back.

Clarke throws him a look and opens her mouth to say something but he shakes his head just barely-they didn’t want to bring in any attention, she had filed for documents, an ID but it hadn’t been yet received so her being out here in the open even moving just within the station, was a little dangerous. A

t any point a guard could stop them and ask for her to present their papers and she may be arrested for questioning for not having them even if she had filed already. They had talked about it the day before and he asked her if she’s sure she wants to risk this to which she had replied without a doubt that yes, she truly was.

There was not a guard on this station, on the Ark really, that would stop her from attending this sweet boy’s brithday.

Chapter 30

Notes:

A/N: Thanks to everyone who read this story and leave me comments! I've been working on something else but I try not to forget to update this too because I know people expect it! I hope you'll like this one!

Comments and kudos are much appreciated!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

By the time they make it there, Bellamy has been struggling to breathe, coughing in between ragged inhales, so Clarke carefully took Gus from his shoulders and helped him down.

Thankfully the kid had been too enthusiastic to notice anything and rushed right in the Flowing kite as the owner, a gentle short somewhat elderly woman called Rita welcomed them by the door. 

“Bellamy, Aurora-” she greeted them taking their hands in both of hers and shaking them gently, with a sweet smile on her face but squinting her eyes at them as if trying to make their features out.

She was wearing her hair in the same braid Aurora had given Clarke, though hers was definitely whiter, and wore old seamstress clothes though she had two patches on her sleeve that indicated she was a janitor-Clarke recognized it from Bellamy’s own old uniform, and a seamstress one.

“And here’s the birthday boy!” she yells with a high pitched voice at Gus who runs by her and goes in yelling and blabbering, not stopping for a second to say 'Hi' or anything like that as he usually would.

“I’m sorry, he’s too enthusiastic and forgot his manners.” Bellamy apologizes and Rita shakes her head.

“I’m glad the kid’s happy. There’s been too much pain and sadness going on here, this is the first birthday we’re having here in a while.” the woman explains and both Bellamy and Aurora nod solemnly before her eyes move to Clarke “And my my, did you get married again, Bellamy?”

Clarke feels her cheeks blush and when she glances to Bellamy in support she finds his face burning as well but he clears his throat nervously.

“No, this is uh...a friend of mine and Gus-Clarke.” he explains and the woman extends her hand with a wide yet curious smile at her.

“Hi, dear.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” Clarke mumbles, trying to keep her accent as neutral as possible, voice quiet, knowing if she speaks too long or says too many things the woman will guess right away that she’s not from Factory and they didn’t need to bring any unnecessary attention to themselves.

“Can we go in and set the place?” Aurora asks feeling the children’s discomfort and Rita’s still so curious eyes on Clarke, desperate to get them out of the situation.

“Absolutely, dear. In fact, someone passed by earlier, a young fella from Factory-” she lead them in and to the table in the left corner where Clarke could see a nice blue box on top that confused her-they had all the things they needed in them now, haven’t unpacked or brought anything beforehead anyway. “He left this for you-” she nods at Bellamy “said it’s from your boss.”

“Williamson?” Aurora asks confused as she comes over and moves the box’s lid up to peak inside, gasping at the content and turning to Bellamy in half-amusement half-surprise “Bell, it’s a cake.”

“What?” he seems even more perplexed as he limps over and Clarke doesn’t miss the sad look Rita throws his way when she notices his unforunate condition but decides to ignore it and watches as Bellamy confirms Aurora’s statement but digs out a small note from under the box and she manages to glance at the words written on it while Bellamy squint to make sense of them.

“Wish little Gus happy birthday from me!

Take care of yourself!

See you Monday.

-S”

S? Clarke wondered. She thought his boss was called Williamson? Or maybe his first name started with S. That made sense, she thought trying to calm her raging thoughts and Bellamy’s confused and somewhat pale expression-if Bellamy had been working harder lately and his boss appreciated all his efforts despite his pain, he could’ve given him a cake as a present for his son’s birthday, right? He must’ve had the recources.

But still, something lingered in her head, in her heart even and it only did because of the look Bellamy had on his face, which was displeased and uncomfortable. But maybe that’s all the looks he had when he received something no matter who it came from-be it her, his mom or his boss-he was awful at taking care of himself but even worse at accepting anything. 

He was a person who gave, not one who received and that became quite clear to her in the past few months.

“Did Williamson really do that?” Aurora prods somewhat as confused as Bellamy was but Clarke sees how he tries to play it off and shrug his mom’s insistant look.

“Must be because of the assignment I’m working on.” Bellamy comforts her with a smile “He’s been happy with it and all I did was talk about Gus lately. You know how he is...he’s helped before.”

“You’re right.” Aurora accepts it without a doubt but Clarke’s face lingers on Bellamy’s face, observing him carefully and the relief that washes over him the moment he doesn’t have to explain himself to his mom anymore is enough of a proof for her that she should keep doubting it all. 

Aurora moves her hand up his shoulder and rubs it gently, though.

“I’m proud of you, son.” she reminds once more and seeing them both like this makes Clarke’s heart ache a little, wishing she could see her dad right now, be held by him, comforted by him even if she didn’t deserve it, even if she...was the reason for Jackson’s death.

The thought makes her shiver a little and just then Bellamy turns to her, head tilted in her direction with worry.

“You okay, princess?” he asks, taking her elbow and squeezing it just barely as Aurora made sure to start unpacking and call Gus here to help them decorate.

“I’m fine.” she lies, plastering yet another fake smile on her face which of course he buys as much as his lie about his boss.

But time proves to be unreasonable for such discussions though and soon enough Gus is running to them, blabbering excitedly, gripping their legs and asking Clarke for his prince crown because he had to wear it just now.

Bellamy’s pulled aside by Rita, so they can make the payment, transfer all points for the party from his card to hers and by the time she’s left and Bellamy’s come back, Gus is dressed in his prince gear and Clarke and his mom had managed to put most of the baloons and signs on.

“Let me help with that-” he tries to come by Clarke’s side and force her to step down the ladder so he can fix the colorful lettering she and Gus had made themselves but she simply looks down and shakes her head.

“I’m fine, go rest, okay?”

“That’s not happening.” he insists and looks back at Gus who’s handing his grandma some garlands. “Come on, you’re too short to reach that corner anyway.”

“No, I’m not.”

“Clarke-”

“Bellamy?” she turns around to give him a glare and looses her footing on the small ladder Rita provided for just a second but it’s enough to send her falling down-maybe it was because she was also weak and dizzy on her feet still and she really shouldn’t be climbing anything up, or maybe it’s because she was distracted by him but she tumbles down and a minute later she thinks that this is-she’ll fall on her ass and embarrass the hell out of herself, but at least, she thoughts, the guests haven’t arrived yet so it wouldn’t be too bad.

And then Bellamy’s strong arm wrap around her and pull her to his chest as if catching her, saving her, is the easiest thing in the world for him to do. As if he was born for that-to throw himself over her body when bombs went off or catch her with ease when she fell-he was there, always there and she almost wished to scold him, would’ve really, if it hadn’t gone all dark before her eyes and she hadn’t let her head fall to his chest, her hand flail for his shoulder, looking for something steady.

“You okay?” he asks quietly and her eyelids flutter open to find him looking down at her worriedly. “Jesus, Clarke...you should be home, resting.”

“I could say the same to you.” she whispers quietly but still feeling too weak to move away and instead opting to stare up at him from her place on his chest. 

“You’ve lost way too much weight, you have to eat.”

“I’m...fine.”

“Stop stealing my lines.” he scolds softly as he carries her to the couch behind the metal table and carefully placing her down. She staggers a little when she sits and grips his sleeve and when she finally manages to look at him, his face is angry. “No more hanging stuff for you, okay?” he makes her lean back and digs in one of the bags they’ve carried, bringing out a cookie with some strawberry jam.

“Eat this.”

“No...that’s for the kids.”

“Don’t you dare fight me right now.” he shoves it in her mouth just as she opens it up to protest against his stupid decisions and she’s so surprised that she almost chokes on it making him chuckle with it.

She forces herself to munch on it and swallow it down while he stares at her with amusement and a light in his eyes that makes the warm feeling in her stomach reappear again. His hands have fallen to her lap and are gripping her knees and she only realizes then that he’s kneeling too, in an uncomfrotable position that surely makes his knee hurt.

She’s about to scold him when he picks up a water bottle and shoves it in her hand.

“Drink and rest, princess.”

“Bellamy-”

“Shh, don’t argue with me.” she’s grumpily groaning as he tries to stand up on his own but sways and reaches to grab the couch’s back and almost fails to do it, so she grabs a hold of his other arm and steadies him. 

He ends up on the same eye level as her and when he gathers himself he looks up and smiles softly but she doesn’t miss the shean of sweat covering his forehead or his ragged breaths.

“You stupid idiot, you shouldn’t kneel down!” she scolds.

“And you should climb ladders, princess.” his breath fans her face and she feels herself blush-he’s so close that she can’t help herself and her eyes fall to his lips that are red and somewhat swollen right now, probably from his constant biting out of worry over every little thing that could go wrong today or that he should prepare for. 

In this exact minute that’s where they exist-in their tiny bubble with their eyes pinned to each other’s faces, pupils blonw, breathes ragged, desperate, not that much for air, as for each other and she thinks that this will be it-he’ll finally cross over that bridge and kiss her or maybe she’ll muster up the courage herself but something pulls back at him after his eyes fall on her lips and he closes the distance just another inch, and that thing, whatever it may be-a feeling or a thought, a desire or the inability to allow himself one, pulls him back.

A beat and then the moment’s ruined, wrecked like a glass dropped to the floor crashing in a thousand pieces but not by unfortunate cirumstances, rather by a sweet little four year old boy.

“Dada, dada, dada-” the moment’s broken just like that with Gus running to them and Bellamy quickly composes himself, raising himself up despite the pain he feels and masking it with a soft smile on his face.

“What’s up, little man?”

“Dada, can you hewp gwandma put my Happy Biwthday sign on? I twink that Jordan will arrive soon and we haven’t set the table yet and I want you to comb my haiw once mowe before Dawcy arrives.” he was blabbering all worriedly and adorably and it made Clarke’s hear clench at the sight of him.

“I’ll fix the sign and put the food on, you rest before you’ve sweated and wrinkled all your clothes, okay?” he instructs and helps him climb up next to Clarke. “Clarke can help with you hair.” he tells Gus and glances at her “Right?”

“Of course.” she takes off his crown for a moment and smooths his messy curls before digging in the wooden hairbrush that Aurora had thoughtfully put in the outside pocket of one of the bags and puts her hand on Gus’ shoulder, commanging him to sit still as Bellamy limps to his mom and gets on fulfilling Gus’ wishes.

Gus is a nervous little mess, both happy and a little anxious. He keeps blabbing without making much sense, asking Clarke a question and then forgetting about it or the fact that she hasn’t even asnwered before he asks his next one.

She throws Bellamy looks every now and then, her cheeks still blushing and the moment she does, she always somehow meets his eyes too-like they were physically so drawn together that they couldn’t stay apart even when they are at a physical distance, no matter how big or small.

It was as if their minds were connected, their thoughts, even their hearts, despite the fact that Bellamy’s beat a little too erratic because of his blood pressure. 

“Doctow Clarke, why you blushin?” Gus asks as she combs his hair and smooths his curls.

“Oh...it’s just-” Clarke stutters a little and Bellamy throws her his signature smirk, having overheard the question “It’s kind of hot in here.”

Which wasn’t exactly true-the place was warm but definitely not to the temperature of even an Alpha hallway where you could walk around in just your shirt. Clarke realizes now she rarely put on anything long-sleeved or woollen because she never actually felt that cold.

Even the blanket she slept with was thin and something Bellamy would put under Gus’ tiny body, covering the sheets, to keep him warm, instead of use it to wrap him up. 

The Flying kite was small but decent-there was a trampoline in the left corner, a nice and comfortable a little old ragged carpet with some toys and a smaller table for the children to eat or play board games on.

Then there was the bigger table for the parents and the couch and that was about it, but it was still three times the size of Bellamy’s appartment which is why of course, he preferred having the children here. 

“Are you nervous, sweet face?” she asks him gently and he shrugs a little as he turns to her, hair finally somewhat tamed with her adjusting his paper crown and fixing in his beautiful plaid shirt and adorable sweater-he was the picture perfect of the cutest kid in the world, even if the clothes weren’t brand new and she could see that patches and little mendings that Aurora has made.

“A wittle.”

“Why’s that?” she asks cupping his cheek and allowing him to climb on her lap, straddle her really and reach for her hands, desperate to hold onto something to calm himself down.

“I want everyone to have a good time.” he mumbles shyly “If they don’t, they’ll talk about it in school and make fun of me.”

“Or it could be amazing and the only thing anyone talks about for weeks, right?” he nods and shrugs a little looking away but Clarke picks his chin and forces him to look up “It’ll be good, Gus. There’s no way it can be otherwise.”

“Really?”

“I promise.” he beams at that and throws himself in her embrace, letting her hold him and rub his back up and down. Bellamy, who’s done fixing the sign limps to them and carefully grips Gus’ shoulder, bringing his attention to him.

“I think your first guest has arrived, big boy.” he nods at the door where Aurora’s welcoming the Greens and Gus jumps off Clarke’s lap, running in to hug Jordan. They’re so adorable like that, rushing into each other with arms outstretched and hugging each other so tight when they finally meet that Clarke feels almost envious of the pure friendship love they have for one another. 

Harper and Monty greet not just Bellamy but also Aurora and surpsiginly Clarke with the birthday boy and Harper makes a compliment on her new dress.

“You look amazing, Clarke.” she hugs her warmly and grips her arms.

Clarke can’t remember an Alpha girl ever being so kind or welcoming to her, even on her birthdays.

Everything was so cold and methodical-her mom chose who to invite, all girls she never spoke at school but were their parent’s friends from the council. The only one she loved having was Wells but he got a little awkard in such company, an as a boy, even shy to the point he hid in her room, under the bed and played with his gameboy.

Clarke would sneak out too but her mom would find them and drag them back outside, so they could finish tea with all the proper ladies who were dressed in big princessy gowns, like in the Disney movies, made by hard-working women like Aurora.

Clarke shivered when she realized she still wore a dress made by someone else, but now it was because she had nothing, not everything. And still...she made herself a promise that day, that when Aurora brings her work and extra rags or pieces of clothes they didn’t need, she’d sew her own stuff and wear them not with pride but with the thought in mind that for once she dressed herself without anyone else and that’s how it should be for all of Alpha, Gosci and Hydra. 

“Thank you.” she answers blushing “I love your hair.” she comments too and it’s not pretentious the way they compliment each other, there’s nothing fake or forced like it usually was when Clarke’s had such conversations-no, it was genuine. Harper truly loved Clarke’s dress and Clarke in turn, really admired the complicated braid that Harper had done, tucking in little blue fake flowers making her face glow.

“You like it?” she asks surprised, like a girl from Alpha could never truly enjoy something like this and swings it over her shoulder “I made it myself. I can show you some day if you want.”

“I’d love to. I’m...bad with these things. Aurora did mine for me.”

“Don't worry, you’ll learn.” Harper promises rubbing her shoulder and following Monty and Bellamy to the table where they’re already settling down and discussing some hydro-machine problem and engines, all things that Harper and Clarke know nothing about. 

Soon enough the other kids join in too and the parents put small presents on the table for Gus, then congratulate Bellamy on his son’s birthday and leave, mostly because many of them had chosen to work extra on Saturday for more rations. Clarke notices how they’re all warm and welcoming, kind despite their obvious struggles and apart from the present they all leave somethng sweet for the table too which surprises her.

“It’s customary of us to leave something sweet on a birthday, no matter how small-” Harper explains upon Clarke’s confused expression “That’s our way of wishing the child a sweet life and also helping the parent with providing for the celebration."

Clarke’s heart clenches once again remembering her own birthdays-the table filled with all things a children’s heart could desire-candies, biscuits, apples, grape, nuts and the cake was a three storey thing made by a cook from Farm. 

Despite Bellamy’s best efforts, the biggest thing on the table remained the small cake that his boss had left that he hadn’t opened up yet, deciding to keep it as a surprise for Gus when the time cake and three small plates-one with cupcakes for the children, one with candies-the simpliest kind and one with biscuits-some salt ones-made from algae and some sweet that had strawbery jam.

Apparently that was considered a feast by Factory standards, though because the parents looked at the table with wide eyes and throw Bellamy looks of respect.

“They admire him-” Harper tells Clarke again while Bellamy greets Darcy’s mother and gives her a small hug that makes Clarke burn with something uncomfortable inside so she averts her gaze-was she really jealous of a child’s mom greeting him for his son’s birthday? She was getting pathetic. “They all know how hard he works but to manage to do this with your leg screwed up, struggling to walk and after being demoted to a janitor part-time is...remarkable.”

“Bellamy’s...special.” Clarke mumbles.

“He is.” Harper agrees “But he also works really hard and forgets to take care of himself.” Clarke nods at that “I’m glad he has you now.” that makes her blush and look away at the children who were running around, screaming and playing already.

There was no initial awkwardness like she had assumed there’d be, present and insistant from her own memories of her horrible birthdays, no-they all just got together and starts playing. Even Gus’ worry over Darcy and her friend had disappitated and they were playing a game of chase as they jumped from cushion to cushion to the carpet and then on the trampoline.

“I’m not sure how much I’m actually doing for him. Seems to be the other way around.” Clarke responds quietly so that Bellamy doesn’t overhear, not that he would, being too ingulfed in another argument with Monty over engines and drawing something on a napkin, desperate to show him what he meant. Aurora was up by the children, scolding them now and then not to run too fast so they don’t get hurt and Clarke knew she’d had to get up and help her out soon.

“He cares for you.” Harper insists, placing her hand over Clarke’s and squeezing it gently “I’ve only ever seen him look at one girl the way he does you and she’s sadly no longer alive.”

“I don’t think it’s like that.” Clarke’s cheeks blush even harder and she has to clear her throat to respond to Harper. “His priority is Gus.”

“And it always will be but...it doesn’t mean he can’t have something else too.” Harper winks at Clarke and then rubs her thumb over her fingers “I won’t torture you anymore, I can see this is a tough subject still and Monty told me about everything you’ve been through after your trial.” Clarke nods, the memory of Jackson being floated flashing through her mind yet again, making her shiver a little “I want you to know that I’m here if you ever need to talk.”

“Thank you.” Clarke says genuinely “That’s...really nice of you.”

“I don’t see you as an Alpha princess, Clarke.” Harper adds “Never have.” they exchange soft smiles and soon enough the kids screams reach high-pitched levels so Clarke and Harper both scold the boys into action and Clarke reminds Bellamy it’s time for the dragon game before they’ve sweated through all their clothes and ended up too tired on the floor to do anything-after all, this was the main game of the birthday.

She helps him with his costume, notices how he staggers on his feet when he gets up and how pale his face has gotten again.

His cough remains-as persistent and as horrible as last night and she worries, tries to open her mouth and argue with him to sit back down and maybe rest but he cuts her off with a look and a gentle shake of his head as she adjusts the black dragon cape Auora made for him and then the mask she drew.

“I’m fine.” he promises “This is Gus’ day, we’ll rest later, alright? Both of us.” he says as he puts his hands on her waist and smiles softly.

“You’re not leaving bed tomorrow.” she scolds “I’ll restrain you if I have to.”

“Kinky.” he winks and she slaps his chest, forgetting for his bruises for a moment and making him wince. “Ouch.”

“Oh, you’re fine, you big baby.” she scolds mildly, patting her hand over his heart, making him smile and lean closer again, his dragon mask was covering only half his face, and the muzzle stretched forward, bumping into her forehead when he approached her, making them both laugh.

“You haven’t called me that since after the accident.”

“That’s cause you haven’t acted so stupid recently up until now.” she counters and then pats her chin with her finger “On second though...that’s not true.”

“Hey!” he tilts his head at her.

“Dada, dada, come on!!! We’re all ready!” Gus once again interrupts their moment, rushing in dressed in his prince cape and tugging his dad’s pant leg. Bellamy follows right away and when Clarke turns around both Harper and Aurora are throwing her knowing looks which she tries to ignore but feels herself blushing again instead.

Bellamy’s wonderful with the children-they adore the game Gus and her came up with. The girls both dress like princesses and the boys rush in and try to fight a growling Bellamy who’s hiding in his cave (the trampoline), guarding a treasure but decided to come down to the village and scare them away.

The only reason for his annoying behavior was the lack of sleep and the older men who had tried to attack him and hurt him to get to his treasure. Soon enough Gus and the rest of them figure it out and tame the dragon with kind words, pets and kisses from the girls who refuse to play damsels in distress and in fact when the dragon was angry and  “breathing fire” they all fought him with the boy’s cardboard swords whilst Gus, Jordan and a few more boys from his kindergarden hit behind them, making Clarke, Aurora and Harper chuckle and smile with pride.

When the dragon is down on the carpet and they’re all petting him and stroking him, climbing on him and demanding her carried them which Clarke knew was killing Bellamy’s back and in fact she did try to stop this part of the game seeing as to how red his face has gotten and how it twisted in pain but he still indulged them, Gus most of all, letting him and Darcy climb up on him and crawing around while the other cheered at them for beating the bad guys and saving the dargon at the same time.

Clarke notices how hard he starts coughing after that and even Gus frowns a little at his dad, worry peppering his face, so she intervenes and sends Bellamy back to the couch, instead suggesting a game of chase where Gus is blindfolded and the others are in a circle, trying to run away from him.

It’s fun for them and lasts another half an hour before they’re all starting to get a little too tired from chasing and running around and the second part of the birthday where they finally sit down and eat and talk, comes to be. Bellamy, Clarke and Aurora help them out but mostly they do well on their own and Gus even asks his dada carefully to let them be making Bellamy chuckle and wonder when did he grow up so much.

After, Clarke and the girls draw with Harper joinging in and braiding their hairs or doing their nails with a nice pale color because that’s all she got while the boys jump on the trampoline and start a game of cowboys, chasing each other around while riding the two broomstiks Rita kept in the corner.

It’s then when out of nowhere they hear a loud thud and a cry and both her and Harper turn to find Jordan on the floor, curled up to himself and clutching his hand.

Bellamy and Monty both stand up and rush there, making it almost before the girls, but Harper, having her motherly instinct is faster, already kneeling and moving her boy carefully up.

“Gently!” Clarke instructs, swiftly switching to her doctor mode while Jordan’s cries pirece the place and all children quiet down and move back a little except for Gus. “Carefully, let me see.” Clarke kneels down to Harper and Jordan and carefully extends her hands out to the boy, but doesn’t push unless his mom nods. “Hey, hey, easy there, sweet boy. I know it hurts, but I’ll help you out, okay?” Clarke promises as Jordan keeps crying out loud.

“Clarke!” Gus perches up behind her “Dada! Help him!” he turns to Bellamy who’s by their side in an instant, grabbing Gus’ hand and pulling him back so he doesn’t meddle while Clarke tries to help the child. 

“What happened?”

“We were jumping on the twampoline and he...I don’t know...he fell off the edge!” Gus says tears streaming down his own face as he glances scaredly between his dad, wailing Jordan and Clarke. This is the last thing he needed right now-an accident with one of his friends to ruin a perfectly awesome birthday but those things happened, Clarke thought, it was normal. 

Harper was trying to calm crying Jordan down but he kept trahsing in her arms and it wasn’t until Monty stepped up and held his son’s face in his hands that the kid started quiting down. His calm voice brought Jordan down from his panic and soon enough he wasn’t even crying, just sobbing quietly.

“Now, can you let Clarke take a look? She’s a great doctor, she’ll fix you right up?” Monty asked softly as he glances at Clarke who gives the kid the most reassuring smile she can. Meanwhile Gus has climbed up on his dad’s lap, clenching his arm tightly and the other kids were gathered behind him like little chicks to a hen, drawn by his strength and knowing he’ll protect them from bad things simply because he was the most badass dad or probably because he played dragons with them and a dragon in the face of a bad fall was like the best weapon of them all. 

Jordan’s reluctant seemingly as happy to be checked out by a doctor as Bellamy was in the presense of them but that’s when Gus steps in, untangling himself from his dad’s embrace for a second.

“It’s awkay, Jowdan, she’ll help you.” he says and that seems to be enough for the boy who peaks at Clarke and then his mom but finally nods.

“What hurts worse?” Clarke asks when she carefully approaches him and gives him a soft smile.

“My hand.”

“Can I touch it?” he nods and extends it over for her expertly swift fingers to go over them. He winces a couple of times but there’s no blood, thankfully and he whimpers but his mom and dad hold him tight.

“It’s okay, you sprained your wrist.” she tells him and gives Harper and Monty a look that things are okay, which in turn makes them exhale in relief. Bellamy knew that worry all too well himself. “Nothing’s broken, I’ll just wrap it up good for you and you’ll be a good boy and not use it for a week so the swelling goes down, okay?”

“Awkay.” Jordan, who seems to have gathered his stregnth and wits back nods a little more bravely in her direction. 

“Bellamy, I brought bandages and some gauzes in one of the bags, can you please bring them over for me?” Bellamy and all the children who have been eyeing Clarke and Jordan with interest scatter around when he and Gus move but then instead of going their ways they just gather around Jordan, Clarke and the Greens.

When Gus and Bellamy come back with the stuff she asked for including some of that yellow-y liquid she used for his ribs that she uses to drowse the bandages in, they start asking questions.

“How did you know it’s sprained?” Darcy asks peaking behind her as she wraps Jordan’s wrist.

“What’s that thing?” another boy counters.

“How do you wrap this so nicely? My mom can never do it like this when I’m huwt?”

“Clarke’s the best, isn’t she?” Gus, who peels of his dad’s lap and approaches the others who are gasping in awe and Jordan who still has a few tears left in his eyes but is somewhat happy that all attention has shifted to him.

When Clarke’s done, she adds a makeshift sling that she makes from tearing a piece of Bellamy’s shirt which he offers willingly and Jordan leaves his mom’s lap a little too eagerly, gathering all children around him and answering their questions.

“He’ll be fine.” Clarke promises, rubbing Harper’s upper arm in comfort. The woman seemed scared as hell but smiles and hugs Clarke tightly.

“Thank you. I don’t know what we would’ve done without you here.”

“It’s nothing.” Clarke tries to wave it off but when Monty too hugs her, she actually feels herself blushing for the hundreth time today. “Anyone could’ve fixed that in less time than I did.”

“Nonscense.” Bellamy joins in wrapping an arm around her waist and smiling at her “You were awesome.”

“Truly was.” Monty who pulls Harper’s body to his and allows her head to fall to his chest adds with gratitude “Thank you so much.”

Clarke opens her mouth to argue but Bellamy interrupts her with a light squeeze on her waist.

“Accept a compliment when you get one, doc, okay?” she sighs, ducks her head and nods solemnly. “Now who’s ready for some cake?” Bellamy announces bringing the children’s attention back to them and letting little Jordan take a breath though he did seem happy being the center of attention for a minute there.

“Cake? Dada, you mean cupcakes?” Gus implores when all the other kids rush to the children’s table and get ready for the biggest treat but the youngest Blake lingers back. 

Bellamy smiles and carefully kneels down. Clarke could see how awful it was for him to move, his leg definitely hurt more than it had earlier and his cough has gotten more pronounced, making even Aurora look at him with worry and confusion. 

“No, baby boy, dad means cake. A real one.” Gus’ eyes lit up and he claps his hands together.

“Really, dada?”

“Absolutely!” Bellamy nods at the box on their big table and Gus’ eyes go even wider than before. “Dad’s been working very hard and his boss send this as a present to you because he knows how much I’ve been preparing for your day and what a good boy you are.”

Gus yelps in excitement, jumps a little, throws his fist in the air and then wraps his arms around his dad’s neck and climbs in on him, the force of it making Bellamy fall back on his ass and lose his balance but still he holds Gus tight, buries his nose in his neck and then pulls back and peppers his face with kisses.

Gus on the other hand is no short of showing affection himself.

He puts his tiny hands on his dad’s cheeks and kisses his nose, his forehead before squirming and telling him he’s  “the best dad in the world and this is the best birthday!”

When they all settle down on the children’s table, Clarke brings the paper cons she made for the birthday boy and the other kids and Bellamy and Aurora bring in the cake that may be simple but was still beautiful. Bellamy had put on the four candles he found from somewhere, not matching really-one was blue but the other three were yellow, pink and white, yet Gus’ face lits when his dad lights them up and because fire was forbidden on the Ark, he has to blow them right away before anyone catches them or the fire system goes up yet despite that, Bellamy nods at Clarke to approach them and she kneels on Gus’ other side.

“Make a wish, my boy.” he prompts before Gus blows them. He squeezes his eyes shut and gathers his hands as if in prayer. Bellamy reaches and takes Clarke’s hand in his behind Gus’ back. “Ready?”

“Ready, dada!” Gus says when he opens his eyes up and smiles. 

“Good. On the count of three-one, two-” Gus fills his little chubby cheeks up with air before his dad yells  “Three!” and he blows the candles up. 

The children sing happy birthday to him and the adults join, ending up the song with a loud round of applause and laughter after which Clarke and Aurora cut a piece of cake for every child and adult. Bellamy tries to deny it but his mom scolds him “It’s your son’s birthday and you got him this, you deserve it.” to which he can’t argue so he starts munching on the cake with a disgrunted scolded expression on his face.

After that it’s time for the present opening and it’s mostly clothes, small toys like trucks made of metal and painted as the one Bellamy has made for him at home, two or three little stuffed toys, again home-made and a few drawings wrapped up around candy.

People couldn’t afford much to give but even that seemed to be more than enough for Gus who was way too enthusiastic over each present and hugged the kid that gave it to him or high-fived them. With Darcy, who’s present was a really nice blue winter hat and some gloves because “Your fingers are always cold, so now they won’t be.” she explains making Bellamy and Clarke’s hearts melt and a really small stuffed lion “Because they protect people, like you do.” makes Bellamy tear up but Gus is so stunned and surprised, so adorably blushing that his dad has to nudge him to remind him to thank Darcy and they hug in the cutest way with Darcy kissing Gus cheek before they split.

When their tummies are filled they get a little lazy, a little sleepy, it’s kind of adorable watching a bunch of primary school sweet kids get all slowed down by their own bodies when they were jumping around just a moment later. 

Chapter 31

Notes:

A/N: I'm sorry for taking so long to update! I had a hellish May and June at work and now things are still busy and on my days off I can barely find time for myself and when I do it's to write for my stories. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

 

There’s a small jubox in the corner and Bellamy uses the remains of his rations to play a few songs for them.

They dance around in circles, lifting up the mood and chasing away the sleep, as if nothing had ever happened, the sugar kicks in and they laughter fills the room again. Jordan cradles his wrapped-up arm to his chest but he doesn’t seem to be in that much pain, or if he was, he forgets about it for the time being, opting to have fun with his buddies instead of whine or hide in his mom and dad’s lap. 

Then there’s a slow song and Gus rushes in to Bellamy and Clarke while they’re in the middle of their own game of Uno with Monty and Harper.

“Dada! Dada! Come quick!” Gus rushed to him after he had just finally sat down and stretched his tired leg, tugging at his pants.

“What is it, Gus?” Clarke chimes in, trying to solve the problem, so Bellamy doesn’t have to get up again but he’s already sitting straighter and leaning closer to Gus so he can hear him better through the chatter and the music.

“Darcy wants to dance and I don’t know how.” he whispers worry peppering his features. “Dada, show me pwease!”

“It’s okay, Gus, relax, just put your hands on her waist and let her wrap hers around your neck and then you just...swing.”

“That’s the worst description of a dance I’ve ever heard.” Clarke scoffs making Bellamy and Gus turn in her direction, the kid looking at her hopefully “I thought you said your dad was a good dancer.”

“I am!” Bellamy protests mildly offended.

“Well you can’t send off your son into the world with the instruction keep your hands on her waist, smart pants.” she crosses her arms over her chest and listens to the music coming from the jukebox-it’s a slow song about a man dancing with his wife even when her legs wouldn’t hold her anymore, accompanied by a nice piano and guitar melody-it was soft, made you feel warm from within.

“Dancing isn’t just about swaying around-there’s chemistry too.” Clarke explains to Gus who looks at her curiously.

“Cwemisty?”

“Yes, you need to look her in the eyes, hold her gently, but strongly, you don’t want to drop her if she takes a spin-just be...kind to her.” Gus seems even more perplexed than before and he glances at his dad who seems just as at a loss for words as his son and she scoffs at him and grabs his wrist. 

“Come on, dad and I will show you, you just watch and follow our lead, alright?” Gus beams at that, suddenly finding a solution to his problem and rushes back to the dance floor, next to Darcy who giggled when she saw his rosy cheeks and grabbed his hand bravely pushing him to the middle of the room.

Some of the other kids were dancing on their own, swaying a little, others like Jordan and a boy from their class were in the middle of a car race, imitating the buzzing of the engine.

Bellamy follows Clarke suit and he tries to cover his confusion and surprise with a smirk but his heart’s beating so fast in his chest that he’s sure even she can hear it when she stands before him and takes his hand, putting it on her waist because he suddenly forgot all about dancing even though he was giving his son advice a minute ago.

“Dammit, princess-” he whispers “You do know how to make a guy sway on his feet.”

“Nonscene, that’s just your bad leg.” she scoffs refusing to believe him as they slowly start dancing to the song, swaying carefully, mindful of Bellamy’s bad leg.

Clarke glances at Gus who has a hard time positioning his hands where they should be but eventually he makes it and Darcy smiles at him, running her hand down his curly forehead and then leaning forward, resting her cheek on his chest.

“Is that okay, dada?” he mouths at them and Bellamy nods, giving him the thumbs up.

“Now gently move!” Clarke whispers when they come closer to them so they can hear each other better.

“I’m afraid I’ll...step on her.”

“You won’t!” Bellamy assures “Just don’t stare at your feet and you’ll be fine.” Gus nods and keeps moving them around a little too awkardly but still so very adorably.

Darcy seems tired and just enjoying herself in Gus’ company and the boy must sense that because he too, relaxes and starts talking to her, telling her a story about a brave princess just like her that makes her smile.

“For the record, it’s not just my bad leg.” Bellamy interrupts her thoughts making Clarke glance at him confused.

“What?”

“You making me sway on my feet...it’s not because of my leg.” he explains with his signature rebel smirk taking her hand from his neck and sliding it down to his chest.

She can feel his heart beating so fast that it makes her eyes widen and her breath hitch. 

“Bellamy-” she meets his eyes and he tilts his head.

“It’s because of you.” he leans down and their foreheads touch for the briefest of moments “It’s because of the person that you are.” she scoffs at that and slaps his chest, trying to tell him he’s being stupid but he won’t have it and catches her wrist, placing it again over his heart before sliding his hand to her neck and rubbing it slowly, softly, sending shivers down her spine. 

“It’s because you thought of bringing bandages to a birthday in case my son or anyone else got hurt. It’s because you held him and kissed him and loved him though he’s not your child. It’s because you spent hours preparing hats, costumes and signs for a kid you don’t know.”

“But I do. I know Gus and I know you.” she whispers back rubbing her hand over his chest. “You’re my friends.”

“We are your family.” Bellamy insists opening his eyes and meeting hers, there was something so determined in his look “And that’s never going to change no matter what. I want you to know it and to feel safe with us.”

“I do.” she says back but he shakes his head, desperate to make her understand.

“I want you to feel safe around us, to know that we’ll be there to catch you no matter what happens, even if we’re not related by blood or any law, okay?”

“Bellamy-”

“Clarke, please.” he’s desperate to prove this to her and his hand moves to cup her cheek “Tell me that you know this.” she smiles softly and leans into his touch, kissing the edge of his palm where his wrist began softly, briefly but still warmly.

“I know it, Bellamy, I promise.” her other hand moves to his cheek and they’re now mirroring each other, staring at each other as if existing in their own little world for the moment.

“But you also don’t have anything to prove to me, okay? You’ve showed me more than once that I matter to you and I only hope you and Gus know how much you matter to me too.”

Bellamy smiles softly at her words and she notices the blush creep up on his cheeks.

“Kid doens’t stop talking about you, I’m frankly getting kind of jealous.” he jokes with a little laugh bowing his head down shyly.

“He’ll always love you first, you’re his father, his hero.” 

“I don’t know how much of a hero am I anymore.” he sighs nodding at his bad limping leg that drags more and more as they keep swaying.

Gus and Darcy are still on the dancefloor too but Clarke doesn’t think they’ll last much longer-they both seemed very tired and sleepy and if the electronic clock on the wall opposite of Clarke’s eyesight was right, then it meant parents would soon come by to collect their kids.

“Stop it!” Clarke scolds him moving both her hands back to his neck and tugging at his curls “This boy would kiss the ground you walk on. No matter the stories you tell him about brave soldiers or smart princes, you’ll always be his favorite person.”

“Not sure how good that is.” Bellamy huffs again as if angry with himself “I don’t want him to follow in my foosteps.”

“Would it really be that bad?” Clarke counters and he nods sternly, his expression getting serious.

“I want more for him than Factory, that’s what I’ve always strived for.” she agrees with a small nod and pulls his head down to her shoulder, liking the fact that she has him that close “I refuse to send him off into the world worrying if he’ll come back in one piece like my mother always had.”

“Like she keeps doing.” Clarke adds and he shrugs but she can see he feels bad about it “Gus worries too. So do I.”

“There’s nothing to worry about. I’m good.”

“You always say that, but you don’t have to. Not with me.” she rubs his neck softly “You can be honest with me and I will never judge.” he smiles and moves up just barely to meet her eyes briefly before leaning over and softly kissing her cheek.

His lips linger on her for a moment too long and when he pulls away it’s just in time for the end of the song. 

They pull away from each other, both  blushing harder than before and Bellamy clears his throat, trying to dissipate the tension as he rubs the back of his neck nervously.

“I should uh-” he coughs a little making her eyebrows furrow “I should go uh...check on uhm-”

“Yeah and I need to-” Clarke stutters too, staring down at her feet.

“Bellamy!” Aurora calls her son then, making them jump surprised and pull away even further but she only smiles at their shenenigans. “Darcy’s mom’s here to pick her and her friend.”

“Oh, right...yes, sure.” Bellamy limps to his son and Darcy, kneels down and carefully peels her away-the girl’s half asleep, so he carries her to the door where her mom waits for her and brings her friend alongside, gripping her little hand in his left one. 

Soon enough all the kids are gone and though the Greens insist to stay and help out, Jordan gets a little annoyed and fussy probably because of the pain in his wrist so Bellamy tells them they should go.

Clarke adjusts his sling again, instructs them how to rewrap it and tells them they should try and get their hands on some of the syrup they gave Gus too when he was anxious or hurting and Monty says he thinks he knows a way. 

Gus, who’s half asleep at that point, climbs in his dad’s lap and insists he stays there, arms wrapped around his neck, cheek pressed to his shoulder, talking quietly in his half-asleep state or dozing off completely and drooling on his dad’s shirt.

Bellamy wants to help out but both Aurora and Clarke stop him and push him to the couch, demanding he stays there while they collect their things.

Both his mom and Clarke can see how hard it is for him to keep standing up, especially after his play time with the kids, but it wasn't just that-though Clarke wanted to help he’d insist he brought the kids food himself, went out to help whenever someone so much as winced or called for an adult and that resulted in him spending the day mostly up. 

Now one of his arms was wrapped around Gus’ torso and the other fell down to his leg, gripping it tightly.

He was trying to cover his winces by hanging his head low over Gus’ body but Clarke could hear his ragged breathing and his wheezles from just a few feet away where Aurora and her were cleaning up the children’s table.

His cough worsened the more time passed by and she couldn’t help but feel like there’s more to the story about fixing a vent that he let on.

If she wasn’t a doctor, she may buy it, but the sound of his lungs and the harsh dry cough were all indicators that something more than his usual morning/evening bouts was going on.

“He doesn’t look good.” Aurora comments throwing a look at her son and grandson after Bellamy shook with another cough yet again.

“I’ll make him some tea when we come home, give him syrup.” Aurora nods gratefully at that and offers a small smile but her expression grows serious when they hear him struggle again.

Even Gus whimpers in his arms and looks up at his dad in his sleepy state, reaching for his cheek before his head lolls once more and he passes out.

“I should ask around for that special cough tea they prepare in Farm. Maybe Monty and Harper can help too.”

“Sounds like a good idea.” Clarke agrees.

“I don’t get it...it used to be bad just late in the evening or sometimes in the morning but never throughout the day and never this...persistent.” Aurora keeps commenting when they fold the table cloth and she puts it in one of the bags. “You noticed it too, right?”

“Yes. I asked him about it but he just said they’re fixing some sort of vent and the air hasn’t been that clean.”

“On level 2?” Aurora tilts her head in confusion “I haven’t heard of any problems this week.” Clarke shrugs and looks down, refusing to offer any other explanation.

She couldn’t tell her about the bruising because she promised Bellamy not to  but still she keeps feeling like Aurora knows herself that there’s something she’s not telling her yet she doesn’t prod anymore. Clarke assumes that if she wanted to find out what was going on she could grill Bellamy until he confessed and that in fact, might not have been the worst idea as she thinks about it. 

By the time they’re done, both Bellamy and Gus are more or less asleep and the way back to their place is long and tiring with Bellamy having to stop more than once and Clarke insisting she carried Gus to which he shook his head stubbornly and just kept going.

Aurora managed to steal one of the bags from his hand to release some of the pressure but she’s angry at him and she doesn’t bother to hide it.

When they get to their place, she doesn’t come in but she throws Bellamy a look before leaving and cups his cheek.

“You look like a ghost.”

“Thanks, mom.”

“It wasn’t a compliment.” he rolls his eyes at that.

“I’m fine.”

“You stupid boy...” Aurora shakes her head before turning to Clarke “Please take care of him, will you? Don’t let him up on his feet tomorrow.”

“Mom-”

“Quiet, boy! You lost the privillege to fight me when you started lying to me.” he sighs but lets her cup his cheek and look at him fondly.

“I’m not lying!” Bellamy protests still but it does nothing to convince Aurora who just huffs gives him another stern look, kisses Gus’ cheek and leaves them be but not before throwing a sad and stern glance from the door and muttering something to Clarke as she closes and locks behind her. 

Bellamy carefully carries Gus back to his bed and gently places him down sitting. The kid is suprisingly still more or less awake even if tired but he looks cute and kind of drunk as he allows his dad to take off his shoes, his shirt and pants. 

“Dadaw, this was...the best...biwthday...ever.” he manages leaning his arms on Bellamy’s shoulder and almost dropping to his arms again. 

“It’s not over yet, you know?” Clarke chimes in when she sits on his other side and rubs his back gently reaching out to help with his PJs and the kid instinctively leans over to her and looks up at her with big brown eyes, curls falling over his forehead-his head grew up so fast it was adorable. 

“I still haven’t given you my present.” Gus perks up at that, wipes away at his cheeks, as if trying to brush the sleep off his face.

“You got a pwesent for me?” he asks exictedly and Clarke nods, her own cheeks getting a little rosy as she smiles softly at him.

“It’s not much...I made it myself, I hope you don’t mind.” Gus claps excitedly.

“Clarke, you didn’t have to-” Bellamy tries as he puts on his sleeping socks to keep him warm at night but Clarke just shooshes him and shoots him a glance to keep quiet which in turn makes Bellamy shake his head as he watches her get up and strol over to the cupboards above the sink and opens the top one, fishing out a small something she hid behind the glasses. 

“When did you get so smart, princess?” he jokes as he sits on the floor unable to keep his balance anymore and needing to rest his leg which he stretches over the cold floor “Hiding things and everything.”

“Dada, Clarke’s always been smawt!” Gus exclaims reaching his grabby hands at her as she comes back “What is it? What is it?”

“Manners, Gus!” Bellamy scolds mildly patting his knee but he’s frankly as enthusiasted as the kid if he had to be honest with himself. 

“Sowwy, dada!” his hands fall to his lap “Gus got excited.”

“And you really shouldn’t be because it’s not nearly as cool as all your other presents, but-” Clarke sits back by his side and opens his arm for Gus to lean on her again as she places a small hand-drawn book with a bright red ribbon that she must’ve fashioned out of some of the clothes his mom had been bringing over.

“This was my favorite book as a child, my dad used to read it to me almost every night until I knew the words by heart.” Gus gasps in awe when he unties the ribbon with tiny clumsy finigers and looks at the cover that Clarke clearly put so much effort into. Bellamy moved up to see the title “The giving tree.” it said, he had heard of it, but never actually read, not as a kid nor as an adult. 

“This obviously isn’t as beautiful as the real one but I tried to sketch the drawings as I remembered them-” Gus goes through it in a flash before settling back on the front cover again where a beautiful tree stood tall and a little boy with red shirt looked up at it all on a bright green background. 

“It’s beautiful!” Gus gasps in awe and puts his tiny index finger on the title trying to read on his own “Help me yes?” he asks of her and she nods rubbing his back.

“Of course, birthday boy.” she kisses the top of his head and watches as Gus struggles to read the tittle. 

“T-h-e giv-in...-tree.” he mumbles eyebrows furrowed and eyes tired but him trying, trying still “The giving tree!” he exclaims as he figures it out.

“Can you read it to me now?” he asks of her, falling back on his bed after his dad dressed him up and tucking himself under the blankets “Gus too tiwed to wead.”

“Of course, it’d be a pleasure.” Clarke promises and looks at Bellamy who smiles brightly at her and mouths a quiet “Thank you” which makes her blush even harder.

She’s about to tell him to go wash up and get some rest seeing how tired he is and how much his cough increases now that it’s evening again but Gus tugs at his sleeve.

“Dada...can you come too?”

“Of course, big boy.” Bellamy promises and somehow between him, Clarke and Gus they manage to maneuver themselves on the small children bed.

Gus is all tucked in with them on both sides and his head is resting on Clarke’s chest, her fingers threading over Gus’ tiny curls while Bellamy strokes his back and legs, making sure he’s warm enough but listening closely. 

“Once there was a giving tree, and she loved a little boy-” Clarke began and Bellamy got wrapped up in her voice, the pictures she drew-he was as enwrapped with it as Gus was.

His boy’s eyes grew even wider as the story went, he wouldn’t stop Clarke the first time but when she finished and he begged her to begin again he would point his little finger at a word and ask what it means, how to read it, or beg her to tell him how she drew this or that picture, what a boat is or a house and soon enough they were wrapped in deep conversation about the way people used to live on earth. Bellamy laid his head back and listened to them talk, his boy’s voice growing quieter and Clarke’s one steady and patient as she answered all his questions.

He doesn’t know when he falls asleep, only recognizes it’s in a really uncomfortable position, with him barely laying on Gus’ bed because when he wakes up from his harsh coughs that shake his body he falls off on the floor and groans when he feels the sharp pain in his back. 

“God..dammit.” he mumbles and for a second there he just lays back on the cold floor and tries to breathe but his chest is wrecked with coughs that just won’t stop and he has to cover his mouth with his arm to stop them, to silence them so he doesn’t wake Gus and Clarke who when he looked up, found slimped over Gus’ head on his tiny pillow.

The next thing he does is glance at the clock which shows him that they really overslept and he has just forty minutes left of electricity before it’s cut off, so in panic, he forces himself to raise himself up on his feet. 

And then he sways.

Very violently. Worse than he’s ever had before and he thinks that this is it, he’ll fall over but instead his hands grip the edge of the table or so he likes to think but instead the few glasses and bowls they had there are send toppling over as he tries to frantically grab onto anything that’ll give him some sort of stability.

He winces when he realizes what he’s done but he’s too weak to care so he just squeezes his eyes shut and tries to hold on to the edge of the table as if it was his little island of salvation that would keep him there and not let him fall down and entirely embarass himself.

“Bellamy?” he hears Clarke’s hoarse voice call him and feels his body grow even tenser than before. “Bellamy!” her voice grows from confused and sleepy to panicked and he hears her shuffle with the blankets and jump off the bed but he’s about to start falling off the table, feels his body lean forward and he already knows the shame will swallow him whole if he does fall. 

But he doesn’t.

Instead, her hands wrap tightly around his arm, lift it up and he feels her body slide next to his side in support.

“What on earth are you doing?” she asks when another cough shatters him and he almost doubles over at the effort of trying to silence himself with his arm  over his mouth. 

“I...uh..-”she shakes her head angrily at him and he catches her eyes sending daggers his way.

“Let’s get you to bed.”

“No...the...the bathroom-” manages, stubbornly keeping his feet in one place, refusing to let her move him against his will. “Gus...will...wake up.”

“No, he won’t he’s so tired he can’t hear a thing.” Clarke cuts him off “You need to lay down. Now!” she easily overpowers him this time, pushing his body to the direction of their cots and slowly helping him there. He’s so unstable on his feet that even with her supporting most of his weight, he thinks he’ll fall.

His knee buckles a couple of times and almost sends both of them down which forces Clarke to curse quietly and scold him for even thinking about getting up instead of going to bed. 

“Why would you do it, Bellamy?”

“I...we...we only have half an hour of electricty left-” he explains “We need to, we-uh”

“We are not doing anything-” she cuts him off again when she pushes him down on the bed and piles both his and her pillows under his back, lifting him up so he can brethe better. He hand settles on his chest and she sits down next to him for the briefest of moments, lifting his shirt up and finding the bandages loose and pretty much useless. “I’ll take care of it.”

“No-” he tries to sit up but her hand on his chest is insistant “I have to help.”

“All you need to do is lay down and try not to pass out from the pain in your body or suffocate from your own coughs, Bellamy.” he’s so weak that she can easily overpower him. When did he get so weak? Why was he so weak? God this made no sense.

Withouth any warning whatsover she carefully slides the gloves off his hands and finds his bandages soaked with blood and something yellow that may be puss or hopefully just the medication she used to wrap them with last night but she can’t tell until she undid them and for that she needed warm water and light.

Bellamy must sense her thoughts, though because he practically rips them off from her and gives her a serious look through another bout of coughs.

“You have to...turn the radiator on and push it to Gus’ bed...and-”

Clarke places her hand on his chest again when she sees him trying to move up and fight her once more. 

“Will you stop fighting me?” she asks angrily and when he looks up at her, really looks at her and finds her annoyed expression he can’t help but smile a little which just infuriates her more, makes her huff, roll her eyes and keep pushing him down when he tries to move up. 

“I’ll do it all.” she insists “If you move from this bed I’ll castrate you and cut your good leg off.” that makes him chuckle but it turns into another bad cough and this time she leans over and presses her ear over his chest, completely out of nowhere.

He freezes mid-cough because he can’t believe he has there there, so close, even thought all the previous nights before they had hugged and spooned but it was different-they were asleep and just keeping each other warm...this...this was too much-they were too aware of each other, too awake. 

Heat overwashed Bellamy’s face but she didn’t move, not for a while or if she did she only lifted her head up to press it to another part of his chest.

“Uh....princess...may I ask what you’re doing?”

“Sh, quiet!” she hisses “I’m trying to listen.”

“Listen to?”

“Your lungs, you idiot, I don’t have any medical equipment, so I can’t use a stethoscope.”

“Oh...and you’re uhm..relying on your hearing?” he asks, feelings his cheeks burn so hard that when she pulls away and leans over on her hands placed on both his sides.

“Yes and I don’t like what I’m hearing.” he looks away at that and rests his head back on the pillows closes his eyes briefly because he knows he can’t face that “But I doubt you’d actually tell me what really happened so-”

“I already did.” he mumbles “I’m gonna be fine, it’ll just take a minute.”

“It’ll take much longer.” she huffs tiredly but moves up on her feet and he sees her sway too, even if just for a moment. His hand reaches for her, trying to steady her but she’s faster and leans on the bed’s railing, rubbing her forehead with her thumb and index finger. 

“I’m okay.” she whispers softly.

“Hey, that’s my line.” he says jokingly and manages to push to the edge of the bed ang place his hand on her tight, trying to bring her attention to him. She had eaten a lot today, well if you considered a lot a piece of cake and some cookies by their standards and as she played with the kids, he noticed some of the color returning to her cheeks, but still...she needed more. “There’s a can of red beans and carrots on the top shelf above the sink.” he says “Please go eat some.”

“No.” she shakes her head “I’m fine.”

“You’re not fine-” he says when another bout of coughs interrupts hit and she tries to move on but this time he manages to grab her wrist and pull her back “Clarke....you know better than me that your body’s under a lot of strain...trying to adjust to...the living conditions here. You need it or you’ll get worse.”

“What about you then, huh?” she asks, growing angrier by the minute with him.

“I’m...I’m used to it.” he tries offering a light smile which she doesn’t buy at all. “I’ve had more than enough today.” she doesn’t believe him for a minute and to prove her point her hand slides under his shirt and ribs gently over his flat stomach. She had noticed today when he put his pants on how hard he had to tighten his belt-he was on the last hole and she knew for a fact that he made that one himself just a few weeks ago. 

“Is that so? Then why do you look like a ghost more and more every day?”

“Clarke-”

“Bellamy?” she counters and he sighs smiling a little and shaking his head at her mumbling something like “stubborn, princess” under his nose before another cough interrupts him and shakes his entire body. 

“Okay, this is it, I’ll make you tea and give you syrup right away.”

“No-” he grabs her wrist and pulls her back to him and because he too is right-she’s weak and tired, she almost falls over him when he does so even if he’s not even pulling that hard and they find each other mere milimeters apart making it even harder for him to breathe “First...first...you need to warm bottles for Gus and yourself and-and-” she grips his hand and gives him a serious look.

“I got it!” she promises giving him a serious look.

It’s true she hadn’t been around for more than a week but she had gotten a good grip of the way things were working out here. Bellamy always prepared for the night before the electricity was cut off-as of late, his best solution to beating the freezing Factory air was filling thermobottles with hot water and putting them on both sides of Gus’ body as well as one at his feet and another one that he pressed to her back which she usually insisted on them sharing together by turning around and placing it between both their chests or stomaches.

He was so cold at night he shook worse than her and Gus combined. In fact, with him there, she was pretty warm but he wasn’t and maybe that was one reason why his cough was so bad now.

She just couldn’t shake the feeling that there was more to it too. Something he wasn’t telling her. 

“You just guide me through it, alright?” Clarke orders and he tries to sit up again but she just pushes him back, places a hand on his chest and shakes her head. This wasn’t going to work out-she was the boss now and he’d have to listen to her as much as he didn’t feel like it.

He had no other choice.

So she gets on her feet and is about to head to the sink and fish out the bottles from the cupboard when he grabs her wrist again and pulls her back.

“First...first...change your clothes, okay?” he instructs “You can’t...go around in a dress. Put my sweater and pants on, extra socks too.”

“Bellamy-”

“If you don’t, I’m getting up and I’ll crawl if I have to, okay?” she sighs but agrees with a nod seeing that he means that, knowing the stubborn ass that he is and how he just won’t let go unless she took care of herself first even though he was lying there coughing his ass out. 

She changes in the bathroom and when he comes out, he throws her a look to check if she listened to him which pisses her off a little even though she’s well-aware that he’s doing it just out of the goodness of his heart. 

Clarke starts with the bottles first-fills them with hot water and Bellamy instructs her to keep one on the kitchen counter in case Gus woke up hungry and they needed to use it for Formula.

The rest she carefully slides under Gus’ blankets. The kid is curled up towards the wall, gripping Rainbow between his arms and sleeping peacefully. Clarke can’t help but reach over and slide a curl from his forehead, then lean down and kiss his cheek. The boy snuggles even harder under the sheets at this and mumbles something unintelligable making her heart grow sizes.

Then upon Bellamy’s instructions she brings the heater closer to their beds and turns it on, carries the dishes back to the sink for them to clean tomorrow and washes her face and hands up well, brushes her teeth leaving enough water for Bellamy to use later on. Or maybe for her to help him clean up. 

When she comes back to the bed, she finds him resting on his side, eyes closed, arms wrapped over his chest. She has heard him coughing and counted at least fifteen times it happened while she was doing all the chores. Her hand slides on his back and rubs him back to the present.

“Hey-” she whispers holding a cup of hot-setaming tea in one hand “Come on, I brewed some tea.” he manages to sit up but almost falls again and if it wasn’t for her sliding an arm under his and propping him to a sitting position he would’ve fallen back on the pillows. 

“Thanks, princess.” he mumbles with a soft smile accepting the tea and taking small sips from it in between violent coughs.

Her hand shoots for his forehead but doesn’t find it burning-it was warmish which meant he had some fever but this wasn’t a bout of the flu he caught from Gus, no...this was something else that he refused to tell her about.

“We should...change the bandages while I still have some stregnth.” he manages after he’s about done with the tea and she nods carefully slipping from under him only to quickly reach for the crutch leaning on the table right where he left it in the morning and handing it to him.

It feels like it’s another five or ten minutes before they reach the bathroom-he’s very slow on his feet, coughing almost constantly and it’s that nasty kind of cough, dry and very sharp, making him wince whenever it shattered his body. 

“I don’t like this.” she comments when she puts him down on the toilet lid and carefully peels off his sweater and shirt after which she slides down to the gloves on his hands and unwraps them from his fingers revealing the bloody bandages.

“It’ll be fine.” he promises with a weak smile but she doesn’t believe him for a second. Still, she gets on working to unwrap the bandages on his torso first, giving him the chance to breathe a little better.

“I think I should just apply some ointment tonight. If I wrap them up it’ll be even harder for you to take in a proper breath.” he nods in agreement but is too weak to answer anything so he just watches her work.

There’s something magical about Clarke sliding into her doctor self-how focused she suddenly became, how quick yet precise in her actions, her touch was feather like but also strong enough when needed be. He liked how she looked when she was like this-the purse of her lips, her eyes sliding up and down his body assessing all damage but what was his personal favorite was the brow between her eyes.

He itched to touch her, flatten the crease, cup her cheek and somehow while he only thought he was thinking about this, he lost sense of his surroundings, of reality and imagination and his hand shoot for her forehead.

Clarke froze under his touch, the old bandages she had just taken from his wrecked body fell on the floor and he felt her soft breathing fan his face.

His thumb rubbed between her eyes before his fingers slided to her cheek and held her in his calloused hand. Clarke leaned into him and it suddenly was so perfect, so fitting, like she was always supposed to be there.

Her eyes were wide-opened probably mirroring his and his other bandaged hand shoot for her neck, finding her pulse thudding wildly under his palm and he pushed her a little closer.

Their foreheads touched but they didn’t close their eyes-they kept staring at each other-him holding her in his bandaged hands, her staring at him with all there was left of her-her pain, her suffering and grief. 

In that moment he realized they weren’t really that different-they were just two broken people who lost everything they had and kept fighting and kicking anyway because they weren’t willing to give up. 

She wasn’t a rich princess from Alpha anymore-no, here in his small bathroom, dressed in his clothes, with her hair still done in the typical Factory braid his mom did earlier that morning, she still looked just as beautiful as if she had the most beautiful dress on all of the Ark. She was just this-Clarke. Beautiful, intense, smart, badass Clarke.

And though he didn’t want to admit it to himself, his heart was beating just as fast as hers was.

“Bellamy-” she whispers as she kneels a little to his level so he can hold her better. 

“You’re so beautiful.” he says and immideately she tries to look away, to diminish his comment to brush it off. Her cheeks flush under his palms and he can feel the heat even through the bandages wrapped around his fingers. “No, don’t! Don’t brush it off,I mean it.” he insists and moves her face a little so her eyes are back on his.

Her eyes fall to his lips and she swallows hard before she looks back at him again, her own mouth parting a little as if she saw him, truly saw him and allowed herself to want him for the first time.

He inches closer, just a little-

And then a voice interrupts them.

“Dada!” they pull away from each other as if they’ve been burned and find Gus standing in the doorway with Rainbow under his arm rubbing at his eyes and looking at them worriedly “Dada! Dada, are you hurt?” he asks and pats closer upon seeing Bellamy’s bruised covered body and the bandages on his hands.

Chapter 32

Notes:

A/N: I'm sorry for taking so long to update again! Thank you to all of you who read and leave me comments. Honestly without them I wouldn't be motivated to post even if I have so much written for this story!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

P.S If you want to, you can also check out my two new one shots called 'Sway' and my other fic 'The world hurts less when I'm by your side'.

Bellamy panics for a moment-he never wanted Gus to see him like this, never wanted him to know he’s been hurt in the first place and he glances at Clarke who seems just as perplexed and still flustered after what just happened, or almost happened between them. 

“Gus, baby boy what are you doing up?” Bellamy asks when his son pats to him and reaches to be picked up, looking like he’s about to cry.

“What’s wong? Why do you have bruises?” he reaches for his chest and Bellamy tries not to wince when his fingers touch a particularly nasty one above his heart. “Dada?”

“Hey, no, no! It’s okay, big boy, I’m okay, I promise.” he tries to reach out but Gus shakes his head and gives him an angry look.

He’s sleepy, Bellamy can clearly see that, annoyed and cranky-he must’ve been too overexcited, probably way too pumped up after his birthday celebration. He must’ve woken up from all the noise Clarke or him made or even his coughs. 

“No, it’s not!” Gus protested “You’re lying, dada!” he insists angrily.

“Gus-”

“You’re lying!” he insists tears streaming down his face, clearly angry “What’s wrong? What’s this?” he points at the bruises and his hands “You’w huwt!”

“Baby boy, listen to me-” Bellamy tries calmly “I won’t lie to you, okay? I’ll explain, alright?” Gus doesn’t seem convinced at all, if anything he’s more panicked than he was before, more worried. The last thing that Bellamy wanted him to have on this day, was pain. 

“Dada....dada, you...you-” he’s staring up at him tears streaming down his face, reaching for his chest “Why? Gus don’t understand...why?” 

“Oh, baby boy, I wish I knew.” Bellamy mumbles as he pushes him to his chest and rocks them back and forth.

Gus sobs in his arms and Clarke looks at Bellamy, covering her mouth, her own eyes filled with tears. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t want you to see this.” Gus holds him tight and Bellamy can’t help but hiss a little at the tension of Gus’ hug on him and the kid must sense it because he pulls back a little and looks up at him again.

“You hurt...” he states sounding way too serious for a four year old kid but then again Bellamy, thought, that’s what Factory did to you-made you grow up too hard too fast without any warning whatsoever. He never wanted that for Gus but now here they were-with his child angry that he is hurt yet again, him witnessing his dad’s bruised body and feeling helpless that he can’t do anything.

“You hurt so much.”

“It’s okay, Clarke is fixing me up, alright?” Bellamy tries to assure him as he rubs his back with his bandaged fingers just a little, trying to calm him down but Gus doesn’t seem assured at all. “I know you’re angry...I just didn’t want to ruin your birthday.” he tries explaining.

“Gus is older now, dada.” he says tears brimming at his eyes again “Gus is older and you can’t lie.”

“I didn’t mean to lie, baby boy.” Bellamy’s voice breaks “I just wanted to protect you. Keep you from feeling bad.”

“You lied.” Gus insists crossing his arms over his chest angrily “You teach me not to lie but you do it yourself.”

“Oh, Gus-”

“Dada, you can’t! Not more!” he insists “Gus has to know-good and bad, he has to know.” Bellamy bows his head down and feels his tears slip down his tired cheeks, falling to his lap, on top of Gus and his legs intertwined together. 

“Gus hurts more when you lie.” he keeps on and Bellamy’s heart breaks in two and the next thing he knows his baby boy’s hands are on his cheeks and he’s picking his face up “Dada, we’re family, rait?” Bellamy nods, not having the strength to give him a real answer right now, afraid that he’ll just break down more “And family’s here for each other, isn’t that what you tell Gus all the time?”

“It is, son.”

“When I’m sick you take cawe of me.” he keeps on rubbing his little hands up and down Bellamy’s cheeks “And when you’re huwt, Gus takes care of you, okay?”

“That’s not really how it works, son.” Bellamy tries explaning running his bandaged hand from the top of Gus’ hair down to his cheek “I am the parent and I am responsible for you.” Gus ponders on it for a little while, pats his little lip with his index finger, clearly trying to think up of something.

Bellamy’s eyes look for Clarke and find her wiping at her tears behind Gus, but taking a few steps to them-trying to remain close to show them she’s there but also give them their space.

“That doesn’t mean you don’t need taking care of too.” Gus says finally and Bellamy wants to smile-his son was so smart it was unreal. “Just because you’re the dad, doesn’t mean you don’t get huwt...you’re not...you’re not in-in-”

“Invincible?” Clarke helps out coming even closer making Gus look up and smile a little in thanks that she found the word he was looking for. 

“Yeah, dada, you’re not invincible.” Gus settles down, growing to his serious self again, jutting his little lip out and furrowing his eyebrows at his dad for a moment.

“I have to agree with him here.” Clarke kneels behind Gus and rubs his back too. Kid seems happy that he has someone else on his team because he throws Clarke another small smile before settling back to crossing his arms at his dad and playing the angry little boy. 

“You two are ganging up on me, huh?” Bellamy tries to joke but it comes out a little flat before he sighs “I know I’m not invincible, son. I did get hurt during the blast, didn’t I?” Gus nods and looks down at his dad’s leg a little too sad for Bellamy’s liking. “I’m not as strong anymore.”

“That’s not true, you are stwong!” Gus insists just as feverntly and Bellamy gives him another sad smile and shakes his head but Gus won’t have it. He presses his little palm against his chest  “You told me that strength doesn’t come from here-” he pokes his bicep with the tiny index finger of his other hand “But from here” he pats over his heart “Remember?” Bellamy meets Clarke’s eyes over Gus’ little head and sees how hard she’s trying not to burst into tears. 

Bellamy nods and kisses Gus’ forehead.

“You’re right, son.” he whispers covering his tiny hand with his own big one “You’re right about everything. Dad’s sorry he lied and tried to hide from you. It won’t happen again.” Gus nods and throws himself back in his arms, wrapping his tiny hands around his neck and holding him close.

“I love you, dada!”

“Love you too, big boy!” when he pulls away he gives Clarke a serious look.

“Now I wanna help you!” Clarke’s about to agree right away but Bellamy shakes his head at his son.

“No, Gus, it’s way too late, you should sleep. We’ll finish up here and come to bed, okay? You can even sleep with us tonight.”

“No, dada-” he says stubbornly crossing his arms over his chest “Gus not tired. Gus help Clarke.”

“But-”

“I don’t think you’ll win this one, Bell.” Clarke reaches out to rub his arm and he sighs giving Gus another look and determining that the kid is absolutely serious and would rather stare up sitting from bed angrily instead of actually falling asleep even if they send him there, so he just agrees with a careful nod but not before throwing his sweater over Gus’ shoulders-the bathroom was still pretty cold despite the electricity being on and he didn’t want him to get sick so soon after he already had been.

“Okay so I’ll wrap his hands first and you can put some miracle rub on his chest and back while I do that, what do you say?” Clarke suggests and Gus agrees with a little smile before growing serious again.

He’s the most adorable when he climbs up on the sink himself and reaches for the miracle rub from the top shelf before expertly sliding down and pushing his little chair next to Bellamy’s back.

He looks like a little grey cloud with Bellamy’s sweater zipped on him as he kept furrowing his eyebrows angrily whenever his fingers touched a particularly bad bruise. 

Clarke doesn’t seem too happy with the progress on his right hand and she says so despite Gus being there because they agreed they wouldn’t lie to him anymore. There’s some yellow oozing from his blisters and he has to force himself not to clench them whenever Clarke brushed over a particularly nasty place.

“How did this happen, dada?” Gus asks just as another cough interrupts the little boy’s progress on his back. “There are too many bruises.”

“The guards hurt dad while he was trying to help Clarke out last week.” Bellamy explains as he covers his mouth with the hand Clarke’s done patching and hides his face in his elbow coughing his lungs out once more. The tea has done some good in calming them down but it hadn’t lasted more than half an hour.

“And your hands?”

“Dad got hurt at work trying to fix this vent system.”

“What’s a vent system?”

“It’s...like the thing that purifies the air in the room. We have one here too, just smaller-” Bellamy explains as he points out at the upper right corner of the bathroom “See, the little circle with the lid over there.” Gus perks up behind his back and follows his dad’s finger before spotting it and then humming in his cute way when he was trying to remember something new he learned. 

“Okay, I’m done here, are you ready to move to his chest, baby boy?” Clarke asks when she wraps up the last of the bandage on his thumb and Gus nods jumping off from his chair before pulling it in front of his dad.

 “I’ll go get the syrup, mix it up with more tea so you can drink again before bed, alright?” Bellamy nods and moves up so Gus can easily apply some of the ointment and spread it over his bruised chest. He’s quiet and angry and whenever Bellamy coughs his eyes shoot up to him with worry that makes Bellamy want to reach out and take away with a swipe of his hand over his head.

If it only worked that easily.

“You’re all done, dada.” Gus announces struggling to wrap the lid of the miracle rub back on so Bellamy reaches and fumbles with his bandaged fingers, helping him out. Together, they make it through and when Bellamy reaches for his son, Gus easily falls in his embrace and curls up on his lap, resting his head over his bruised chest.

“I’m sorry, son.” Bellamy says stroking his cheek and lifting his head up “Can you forgive me?” Gus nods right away and reaches up so that he can wraps his arms around Bellamy’s neck and hug him tightly.

Bellamy tries not to cough or wince from the pain but he can’t help himself. Gus pulls back and puts his tiny hands on Bellamy’s cheeks.

“I forgiw you, dada.” he says “Please get better.”

“Oh, he will.” Clarke assures when she opens up the door back wider “But for that he needs to sleep and so do you, little man.” she kneels down and runs her hand over his head and face just like Bellamy did a moment ago. Gus turns to her but his hands are still wrapped around his dad’s arm, refusing to let him go.

“You know why?” Gus shakes his head but she can see his eyes are starting to droop already “Because today’s the first day you’re four heading onto your fifth and you need to sleep and eat well to grow stronger and bigger, right?” Gus looks up at his dad who nods with a soft smile, confirming Clarke’s words and then sighs a little dramatically like he did sometimes.

“Awkay.” he finally says “But can I sweep with you and dada?”

“Of course you can.” Clarke reaches out for him and picks him up in her arms without giving Bellamy a chance to protest. He tries to stand up on his own but he just ends up on his butt on the toilet lid again, reaching for his bruised side and breathing heavily. 

“Don’t!” she warns him “I’ll put him first, then come to help you out, okay?” and on normal occassions he’d fight her, shake his head and try desperately to get up on his own but he literally...can’t.

He doesn’t have the stregnth to.

Dammit this job came with good rations and benefits but it was really tiring, he thought.

He hears Clarke talk to Gus and him asking her about his dad and weather or not he’ll be okay but he closes his eyes and tries to gather whatever strength he has left knowing he’ll need it to get back to bed.

Then there was also the fact that he couldn’t bear thinking about how much he was hurting his son with his own pain-pain he was supposed to carry on his own but was too weak to.

He winces when he realizes that he’s managed to ruin his birthday too-of all the days in the year, of all the pain Gus has had so far, he fucked up and worried him on the one day when he wasn’t supposed to be sad or anxious. 

Father of the year, wasn’t he?

The thought made him sad and angry-angry at himself for being so damn weak, angry at his body for giving up on him, angry...that he let Gus see him like this-in the bathroom sitting up on the toilet lid, body covered in bruises from head to toe, his leg not holding him up. 

“Clarke-” he hears Gus’ voice whisper and moves up a little, trying to hear what he wants to say. The door of the bathroom was half-opened so he could pretty much catch their words if he focused “Can you turn the lamp dada gave me as a present on for a moment. I want to see mama.”

“Gus, baby, it’s late. They’ll turn the electricity off soon, you should sleep.” Clarke tries to coax him and he hears her shuffle with the sheets, probably helping him in their bed. Their bed, he thought-he hadn’t slept with anyone, just slept, in forever.

He wasn’t sure if he felt guilty because of Gina or if he could indulge in the happy flutter of his heart that appeared whenever he looked at Clarke’s relaxed face on the pillow next to him. 

“Pwease, Clarke?” he begs her “Pwease, pwease, just for a moment.” he hears her sigh and obviously relent because soon enough he can see the colorful lights of the star sky comes through the door and illuminate, even if a bit, the floor of the bathroom and he thinks in that moment how this is what he wants Gus’ life to be like-all the bright colors surrounding him, all the happiness and good stuff and for him to just look at them, to get even the smallest of glimpses as he stood in the shadows of the metal tin can that was their home. That’d be enough for him-his son and his good life and him remaining behind, observing with a light smile on his face as his son lived, truly lived. 

And then all his illusions break into pieces when he hears Gus speak.

“Dear mama,” he says and Bellamy’s eyes immideately fill with tears “Thank you for looking down on me and for my biwthday. It was the bestest.” Bellamy tries to move up gripping the sink with his hand but he fails and drops back down, the world goes black before his eyes and he squeezes his eyes shut feeling as desperate as last night when he cried his guts out for being unable to do anything on his own.

That is why he didn’t want this life for Gus-for him to work in Factory, maybe get hurt like him one day and feel so desperate that he would hardly find anything to push him going forward. If Bellamy didn’t have Gus, he wouldn’t know if he could keep going. That’s why Factory was the station not just with the highest mortality cases but the highest suicide ones especially among elderly whose children were married off or maybe died tragically but also younger folk who lost parents to work incidents or death sentences for crimes they committed, only so they could keep their children alive.

“But now I need you to take care of dada, pwease. He’s hurt again. The wolves hurt him fow twying to help Clarke and he works so hard for me, so mama pwease-” Bellamy feels his tears roll down his cheeks and he bites his lips hard trying to compose himself.

“Please help him get better.” there’s a pause and then he adds “Thank you. It’s late now so I’ll go to bed.” his sweet voice is tired, sleepy “Goodnight, mama. See you tomorrow.” 

Bellamy lets his tears drop to the cold metal floor and he tries to breathe through the pain of hearing that small prayer but he just ends up coughing more. He gets lost in it for a moment and by the time Clarke comes he’s basically drowning in his own coughs.

He sees her kneel by his side with the corner of his eye and her hand ends up on his back.

“Hey, drink this, come on-” she presses a cup of something that smells minty and like medicine to his lips and he forces himself to take a sip but his coughs are so hard that at first he almost chokes on himself.

She has to pull the cup away and pat his back until he calms down and then without any warning she pushes the canned cup to his lips and orders him again “Drink.” he does, how could he argue with her “Slowly okay, we don’t want you choking to death.” he tastes the herbal tea in it as well as the syrup that she’s put but there’s something else in it too, something he can’t quite make out.

Still, he doesn’t stop until he’s finished it because she doesn’t give him another option. The tea’s hot, burning down his throat but he takes it and once he’s done he feels for a moment so full and then he embarassingly burps while she keeps patting his back and chuckles at him.

“Sorry-” he blushes a little “I-”

“It’s okay, it’s normal.” she promises stroking his head down gently “Come on, time to get you to bed.”

“Is Gus down?”

“He is but he’s waiting for us to come in too.” Bellamy nods and lets her help him up. The moment she does bring him on his feet though he almost falls down again and grips the side of the sink in a desperate attempt to keep himself up. 

“This won’t work-” Clarke says a little angrily as she helps him back down on the toilet lid while he struggles to take a proper breath “Wait here.” before he can say something or even reach out to grab her wrist, she’s out of the bathroom, leaving him desperately struggling on his own, pathetically trying to keep himself sitting and by the time she comes back he feels like it’s black before his eyes again. 

“Bellamy?”

“I’m good.” he lies and when he looks up, his vision somehow miraculously recovers and he manages to focus on her only to realize that she’s holding up his crutch in one hand.

He opens his mouth to argue but she cuts him off before he can.

“No! You won’t fight me on this. You’ll be using it now and tomorrow, that is if I let you get out of bed.” Bellamy smiles a little when she helps him up once more and shoves the crutch under his right arm while she sneaks expertly under his left as they start moving together.

“Oh you’ll be letting me, huh, princess?” he raises an eyebrow at her and smirks “Didn’t know I need your permission to leave the bed.” Clarke just groans and rolls her eyes but he’s quickly shut up when by the sixth or seventh step he makes he feels another sharp pain in his back and has to stop.

They’re so close to making it there but he needs a moment to breathe and she senses it, allows him to have it. 

“Dada?” Gus perks up from the bed though, his little head moves from the middle where Clarke left him and one of the thick blankets slides down his head. 

“We’re coming, big boy.” Bellamy promises with a smile and Gus buys it even if it’s fake because he smiles back and cheers him up.

“You’re almost hir, dada.” he encourages him “Come on.” Bellamy pushes himself again and soon enough Clarke helps him drop sitting on the bed. She takes away his crutch and kneels down to do his socks.

“No...no, princess, I’m...alright.” he says feeling embarrassed but Clarke just shoots him a glance.

“You can’t go to bed in these clothes, you need to change.” she takes off his socks and runs her hand down his bruised and blistered swollen feet but when she tries to reach out for the cream and apply some, he grabs her wrist and shakes his head trying to tell her that he didn’t have the strength for this right now and just wants to go to bed. 

“Dada?” Gus comes from behind him and sneaks his head under his arm, looking up bright eyed yet still a little worried.

“Where’s my little bear cub?” Bellamy asks and Gus giggles sneaking over and climbing up on his back, wrappping his arms around his neck like a monkey. “Dada, let’s go to bed.” he swings him off and because Bellamy’s too weak to keep sitting, Gus’ strength is enough to pull him down on the matress.

The kid giggles and that on itself gives Clarke the opportunity to take off Bellamy’s work pants and help him up in his sweatpants.

She tries not to stare too much as his boxers or the way his shirt crumples up and reveals his flat, sunken in on itself stomach as well as the hair that trails down to his crotch because she can feel herself pooling at her core and she tries to shake her head and clear her mind from all inappopriate thoughts.

Gus doesn’t stop though, he’s suddenly feeling too energetic and he climbs on Bellamy’s middle and wrestles with his dad truly like a little cub bear with their dad. They even groan and grunt like animals, Bellamy pretend bites his ear and Gus tugs his dad’s cruls.

“Okay, come on now, Gus, come on, get off your dad, I need to help him change his shirt-” Gus just giggles harder though and it’s such a contrast to what happened less than half an hour ago in the bathroom that she can’t help but feel her heart burst at the seams when she sees the boy happy. “Gus...Bellamy..” she tries but instead of managing to break their fake fight Bellamy wraps his hand around her wrist and pulls her down with them. Gus laughs out so loud that it makes Bellamy’s heart grow sizes and when they both roll over on their tummies on both of Clarke’s sides he gives him a devilish look and says.

“Attack, attack, attack!” and both of them jump on Clarke and start tickling her.

“No, no! Bellamy...oh my....Gus, oh-oh this tickles hard, no! Not my side, not there!” she breaks into a smile herself and it’s the first time she’s not crying or simply staring into the nothingness since Jackson died.

Gus sneaks his litttle hand under her armpit and Clarke squirms and curls into a little ball, covering her head while they kept tickling her. “No! No! I give up! Uncle, uncle!”

“What’s uncle?” Gus stops suddenly confused, pulling back away from her when Bellamy gives him a nod that playing around was enough. He’s pretty breathless himself and he rolls over on his back and grits his teeth when he feels another sharp bout of pain coarse through his back and down to the toes of his bad leg.

“It’s what one says when they give up and declare defeat.” Clarke explains “Haven’t you heard it before?”

“Frankly, princess, neither have I. Must be another word from your fancy Alpha dialect.” Bellamy grunts “You okay?”

“I’m good....except I think every muscle on my stomach hurts because of you two.” Gus smiles proudly and pats his chest.

“Dada taut me well.”

“I sure did.” Bellamy says with a smile and moves into a horizontal position “Come on now, little monster, time to sleep.” it’s hard for him to move his legs up on the bed and Clarke senses it so she helps him do it before swiftly moving up and grabbing the hem of his shirt, pulling it off and helping him put on a new one as well as his sweater.

While they settle down on the bed, the electricity goes off and Gus whimpers a little scared but Bellamy pushes him to his side and shushes him. “Shhh, my boy, I’m here.” he whispers as he kisses the top of his head and watches while Clarke sneaks in on the other side, adjusting the layers on top of them and covering Gus almost entirely under the little three-blanket igloo.

Gus lets his dad wrap him and places his arm over his chest but once Clarke settles too, he reaches over for her hand and pushes her close to them too. His fingers expertly slide on her waist and pull her to him and Gus and as weak as he may seem on the outside, he possessed the strength of a stubborn man who refused to show weakness to his son and who’d protect the people that he loved even when he was on the verge of passing out.

Clarke sneaks a hand down Gus’ back and then throws it over his tummy, spooning him on the other side. The boy pushes into her a little too and looks up with hazy sleepy eyes.

“Clarke...” he mumbles.

“Sleep, sweet cheeks.” she tells him “We’re here.” Gus doesn’t close his eyes though, instead he just buries himself deeper in her as he wraps his arms around his dad’s big bicpet so that way he’s connected to both of them.

They are a tangle of two bad messes with the heart of it all lying in between.

It takes her a moment to realize that Gus is trying to squeeze his eyes shut but is not sleeping, he’s just agressively trying to calm himself down. After all these months and having the best birthday today, he still was suffering from the consequences of everything he’s seen happen not just to his father, but in Factory over all and that in turn made her even more angry.

“Hey-” Clarke runs her hand down his hair again before settling it over his tummy and pushing his back closer to her “You want to know a secret?” she asks him and he peaks up from underneath his three layers curiously “I’m afraid of the dark as well.”

“You awe?” he asks in disbelief and glances at his dad for confirmation but he just gives him a little shrug and a small nod-it must be true what Clarke says, he said with those two simple gestures, because Clarke never lied to them. 

“Yeah, I used to sleep with my desk lamp on all night long at home.” Gus furrows his eyebrows a little confused, thinking over her words and patting his chin with his index finger like an old philosopher-it was kind of adorable.

“You had electricy all nait long every day?” he remembers vaguely when he was sick how they spent the night there and it was warm and comfortable, nothing like what this room was about to turn into and after he had asked Bellamy about it more than once ”Why was it they had it, dada? Why don’t we?” he’d insist over and over and over again and Bellamy would be at a loss for words at some point.

“Yeah, we did. When I was your age, my dad had to sleep with me until late into the night because otherwise I just woke up and sneaked into their bed every time.”

“Hm...why do you remind me of someone.” Bellamy chimes in glancing at Gus who blushes a little and buries his head in his dad’s arm for a moment while Clarke keeps running her hand up and down his back but also never really letting her eyes off Bellamy either.

His cough had settled after she gave him the tea mixed with the syrup but his breathing was ragged, he had trouble taking in a proper breath and turned sideways like this, she could see the unhealhy paleness of his cheeks. 

“At some point, though, my mom got sick of it and she’d always send me back to bed whenever she found me trying to sneak in.” Bellamy’s face falls when she mentions this and he remembers the cruel surgical precision of Abby’s hands on his body whenever she examined him on level 11. This woman didn’t have a soft bone in herself, he couldn’t imagine her ever stroking Clarke’s head and showing some emotion. 

“She wouldn’t even let me keep the light on. Said I’m too old for it, I had to learn.”

“That’s mean!” Gus exclaims “I mean...sowrry, Clarke.”

“No, you’re right.” she promises “It was mean but you know what?”

“What?” he says sounding smaller and so vulnerable.

“Dad and I won’t ever do that to you, okay?” she promises and Gus smiles a little at her before glancing at his dad, as usually, for confirmation which of course Bellamy gives and solidifies with a kiss on his little forehead that makes him squirm with love between them.

“We’ll keep you safe on both sides and then up here-” she points at the ceiling where the starry night lamp still projected its figures above them “your mom will watch over you from above.” Clarke promises and Gus stares up for a little while longer before his eyes start drooping. 

Clarke looks up as well, getting lost in the small universe that Bellamy brought in for his son in a desperate attemp to comfort him.

This man’s heart was so big, that she was finally starting to understand Aurora and her fears-if you had a boy, a child with that much heart, you’d fear for their life every day.

“Princess?” he asks reaching his hand under the blankets and rubbing his fingers over her elbow “You okay?” she nods with a soft smile but he still reaches over and touches her face.

His knuckles slide from her forehead, down to her cheek and then gently, softly he cups it and rubs his thumb under her tired eye.

He marvels at her, thinks how someone can be that kind and beautiful all at once, feels his heart beat so loud in his chest that it goes down through all parts of his body to his toes and fingers.

Or maybe that were the burns on his hands that he suddenly feels self-conscious about, his eyes fall for a moment and he swallows hard.

Clarke must read his mind, though because when he tries to pull away she grabs his wrist and puts hs hand back on her cheek, smiling a little and shaking her head trying to tell him there’s nothing to feel bad about.

But how couldn’t he-he was all scars, head to toe and she...she was the soft beautiful moonlight illuminating itself over the ocean that he’s only ever seen in movies and pictures from books or at school. 

“What’s on your mind?” he asks quietly but though she moves closer, Gus doesn’t stir between them-seems the exhaustion from the day finally, truly took over him.

“I’m thinking about you.” she admits and her cheeks gain a little color or so he hopes that it’s not just the light from the stars of the lamp shining down on her face. “What you did for him was beautiful.” she adds moving her eyes up to the ceiling to the starry lights. 

“It’s nothing.” he shrugs a little and drops his head lower probably because it got a little numb from standing there but when it falls over Gus’ little body that Clarke’s covering with her arms, he finds her fingers and intertwines them with hers, refusing to break contact.”I still managed to ruin the most important day of the year for him.”

“You did no such thing.” she insists but he keeps looking down at his sleeping son, so to bring his attention this time she reaches over and picks his chin up. God he looked so tired, on the verge of being awake. Considering how bad his cough was and how hard it was for him to walk today, she thinks it’s a miracle he’s still awake. “Bellamy, listen to me-he was happy today.”

“What even is happy?” he says sadly “Sometimes I do wonder, you know?” Clarke swallows as she stares at his teary eyes “Gina and I when she got pregnant...all we wanted was for him to be healthy and happy. But he’s had more misery and sadness in his life than a kid his age should.”

“He also has a lot of good things. He has you and me, his grandma, his friends. He got a real cake for his birthday and many presents.”

“Shouldn’t that be normal for every kid on the Ark?” he asks a little confused “Why is it such an achievement for us? Why is it so damn hard?” her hand falls now too and he cradles it close to his chest, his heart “Sometimes no matter how much I try I feel so helpless, Clarke.”

“That will change one day.” she says it and she truly believes her words “Maybe by the time he’s our age, things will be different.” 

“Yeah...-”he rubs his fingers over hers but doesn’t move them away as if he wanted her to feel his heart and how it beat for her “Maybe.” then he gets lost in thought for just a little while “I can’t believe he’s four already.” Clarke looks down at Gus too and as if on cue he inches even closer to his dad, arms still tightly wrapped around his.

“He’s growing.” she notes and he smiles a little.

“He used to be such a small baby you wouldn’t believe it.” he whispers fondly.

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah. Gina, she gained weight during the pregnancy, I gave her most of my rations so she could be healthy and we got vitamins and with the help of Monty and Harper I even got her fruit and vegitables but she gave birth a little early and he was so little...just so little, Clarke.” he looks up for a moment “Sometimes I was afraid to hold him out of fear my arms were too big and I could hurt him.”

“Gina must’ve had a laugh at that.”

“Oh she did. And then she’d scold me cause at night he’d only fall asleep after waking up from his colic or because he was hungry, if I was holding him.”

“He felt safe with you.” she says “Still does.” 

“Then he was slow to walk-” he continues, changing the subject and refusing to truly accept a compliment “He’d blab and try to talk, wiggle and crawl all the time but he was so unstable on his feet that we were worried.”

“Did you take him to medbay?”

“We did. They said there’s nothing physically wrong with him, prescribed more vitamins and calcium but I couldn’t stop worrying.” of course he couldn’t Clarke thinks, he loves that boy more than anything “And it wasn’t for the lack of trying-he would, but he’d make a step or two with us holding him and then fall. He got so many bruises and tiny cuts that every time I saw blood or swelling I’d tear up.”

“It must’ve been really hard for you.”

“I was pathetic.”

“No you weren’t!” he meets her eyes for the first time in a while but only briefly-it felt like if he stared too long he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from inching even closer. “You weren’t, Bellamy.” she insists again and he gives her a half smile “So...how did he end up learning to walk?”

“Well Gina said that I can’t cushion his every fall as much as I want to. I actually...I was that pathetic that I put blankets all over the place. We’d trip over all my stupid inventions of trying to babyproof our place.” Clarke chuckles a little at that, imagining worried Bellamy as a new dad desperate to shield his baby boy from every fall and how adorable he must’ve been in trying to figure out ways to wrap the corner of the table or the edge of the bed.

“I had to let him fall. It was hard for me to learn that...to let it happen. It was so hard but...she was right. He had to fall and I had to force myself not to rush there and help him up-I had to give him the chance to try and stand on his own. So he fell, a lot and I just sat there and encouraged him.” she can see how nostalgic his eyes get as he remembers it all “Then one day I came home from work a little earlier. Gina had a shift on her own and my mom covered for us inbetween. When she left I put him on a blanket on the floor and started on cleaning around the house that was a mess-there were dirty plates and cups, most of all I had his clothes to wash cause he ate and pooped like a champ-” they laugh a little at that trying not to wake Gus up but thankfully, again as before, he doesn’t stir

“So I turned the projector on on some cartoon and got to the sink, washing his onsies. He was blabbing behind me, his baby chatter as he chewed on his toys or exclaimed whenever something happened. I would turn over every now and then, see him craw, or stand up and fall but then-” his eyes tear up and he lets them roll over his cheek unashamed “Then I suddenly felt his hands wrapped around my leg.”

“Really?” she asks and she can almost imagine herself being there with them. Bellamy nods beaming as if he was as proud of him walking now as he was back then-as if every step was an achievement, no matter how big or small. It all mattered to him.

“Yes I dropped the clothes and with my soapy hands I reached down for him and took him up in my arms. He giggled as I cried and praised him. I was almost afraid to let him drop on his feet but when I did he just ran off wildly into the room as if he was seeing it for the first time.”

“That must’ve been something.”

“Oh it was. Gina came to find us chasing each other around and I was still half-laughing, half-crying my guts out. It was one of the happiest days of my life, though. Still is.” 

“Want to know a secret?” she asks bringing him back to the present moment “Today was one of the happiest days of my life too.”

“You don’t have to lie, princess.” he counters in disbelief but she shakes her head.

“No it was...it truly was. Seeing him like this, being with you and your friends...I know that I’m not from Factory and it may sound strange to you but it’s the first time that I felt like I...belonged. Like I had a family.” 

“I’ve told you, Clarke-” he squeezes her hand hard again “We are your family.” he insists and she looks down shyly, like she too doesn’t think she deserves it “Blood doesn’t make one, people do.”

“That’s a new concept for me-” she admits “But I’m trying to get used to it.”

“I know-” he reaches for her cheek again “I know many things are new and harder now. Sometimes I still can’t believe that you’re being forced into this type of life and I forget that just because it’s easy for me it must be so hard for you.”

“It’s not as hard.” she says with certainty “Not when I have you constantly worrying over me and waiting for me to trip over like Gus when he was learning to walk.” he loooks away a little ashamed at that and clears his throat as a cough interrupts him a little again. 

“I’m sorry, I know I can worry too much sometimes.”

“You don’t have to.” she promises “I can do this.”

“I know you can.” he reassures “You’re strong. So much more stronger than me-” 

“That’s not true, Bellamy.” she insists “You try so hard every day and you never complain or back down no matter the pain you feel.” he doesn’t believe her words, simply looks down at Gus and strokes his head with his hand, marvelling at him in a way that makes Clarke think this is how he looked like the moment he held him, just as stunned, just as in love with his child and her heart grows sizes at it.

She doesn’t push the subject anymore, knows that she won’t win the battle tonight-Bellamy already felt pretty bad about Gus catching him in the bathroom with all his bruises and burns, so no matter what she said it wouldn’t fix anything.

So she just watched him and at some point he looked up, smilled a little too shyly like a kid himself and then closed his eyes, but not with ease, not because he was tired...it felt a little forced to her.

“You should sleep.” she still said reaching over to him again, squeezing his elbow this time “I really don’t even know how you’re awake right now.”

“I’m not closing my eyes because I’m tired, princess.” he mumbles but keeps them shut and that confuses her even more.

“Then why? Are you okay?” she asks confused, worried “Do you hurt? Maybe I can give you more syrup or- he wraps his hand over her forearm and smiles.

“That’s not it-” he insists and she relaxes just a little against the hard matress “The reason I can’t keep looking at you too long is because if I did...” he takes a deep shuddering breath and then exhales, fanning her face, making her shiver with want “I wouldn’t be able to help myself.” she still doesn’t get what he means but he takes another moment before he opens his eyes and she sees the love and kindness in them but also something else...something like want, desire.

“If I kept staring at your beautiful face-” he reaches over and his thumb goes over her swollen lips “I wouldn't be able to resist-” he whispers moving his face forward keeping his eyes on hers “I’d kiss you, Clarke.”

They look at each other for a moment that feel to her like an eternity but not in the bad kind of way-she felt as if she was drowning, losing herself in something warm and beautiful, engulfing. Like a never-ending hug that kept you safe-that is who Bellamy was...is every day, every moment, every second even now.

His love spilled off of him wrapping her and Gus in a sea of love and endless want to protect them form the outside world-it’s like they had their own home made out of the bricks of Bellamy’s sacrifice and pure emotions with his heart in the center of it all. 

She let herself get lost in him, she allowed herself to feel it and it felt foreign and familiar at the same time-she had fallen in love before-there was Finn who with his boyish charm and kind features won her with ease only to turn out he betrayed her and was already on his way to marrying another girl, Wells who loved her but she only saw him as her best friend and a girl Hannah who was perhaps her first love but who ended up simply leaving her behind for no reason.

This...this was different in so many ways. It felt true and honest, most of all it felt real. He consumed her with his look but let her lose herself in him as well, let her see him, all of him, for who he was in just one look.

And then before she knew what was even going on, she inched closer as if he was waiting on her to take this step, allowed her her space or the moment to change her mind, giving her the opportunity to make her choice.

“Then kiss me.” she whispers back and he smiles briefly but doesn’t really waste a minute longer.

Clarke feels his lips on her and it’s the softest, most gentle kiss, so filled with love, affection but also passion, that she’s ever experienced in her life. He’s tender even in that, not pushy but he makes sure to let her know how much he does, indeed want this and when she relaxes a little against him, when he puts his hand on her neck, he tilts her head and slides his tongue into her. 

It gets a little messy after that but it’s still perfect in every sense of the word there is-Clarke never thought before kisses could mean something more than just pleasure but it felt to her now like Bellamy was giving all of his heart away into this, into her and letting her know how much this means to him. 

She tried her best to show the same too but as she moved her body closer, she felt Gus’ tiny body in between them and Bellamy who must’ve been trying to get closer to her too squished him on the other side, forcing the kid to groan a little, huff and roll in his sleep.

They both immideatelly pulled away, a little too out of breath, cheeks rosy and eyes glistening with want and love. Bellamy chuckled a little like a boy and she looked down at Gus shyly.

“Damn...princess.” he says softly “You really took my breath away.”

Chapter 33

Notes:

A/N: Thanks for everyone who are still reading the story! I know people have had their worries about me abandoning it which I can assure you I have not. I've just been writing a bit more for my other fic but I have a few chapters written ahead for this story and I have to be in a more specific mood to write it but it is not abandoned. I hope you'll enjoy this chapter!

Comments and kudos are much appreciated.

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

He coughs a little at that but it turns into a bigger bout and so he rolls on his back and covers his mouth with his arm, trying to hide away from her and silence his pain so as not to wake Gus.

She moves up, wants to help him, feeling like a beautiful moment was just once again stained by the pain in their lives but he shakes his head at her in a silent gesture that he’ll be fine and so she just lays down and waits for it to pass which doesn’t happen right away.

When he finally drops his arm down to cover his chest probably because it all hurt again she reaches over Gus and finds his hand, covering his bandaged fingers with hers.

“Sorry-” he mumbles throwing her an apologizing look.

“Don’t.” she scolds him mildly. “Are you okay?” he nods as he kept trying to take deeper breaths.

“Are you?” he turns his head to her with worry “Was this...was this too much?”

“No.” she shakes her head with certainty “This was...well...perfect.” he smiles brightly and rolls over to his side again, pulling up her cheek again and kissing her once more. It’s shorter this time and he pulls away faster but then she feels that he wants more, she herself needs more, so she gives him a moment to take a proper breath before she initiates the next one.

Clarke loses track of time and how long they do this because it just feels so good-she hasn’t felt that light and happy in...maybe months if not..years. A part of her brain makes her feel guilty for feeling this way and kissing Bellamy after she just recently lost Jackson and her whole life changed so drastically but...another part of her doesn’t want this to ever end.

This feels like forever.

It scared her but it also made her giddy with excitement, want and most of all love.

She leans into him again but this time it’s slow and short because they don’t want to squish Gus too hard. He’s obviously somehow feeling warm right now despite the freezing room, their body heats making up for the lack of any real source of heat, as he was tossing left and right and kicking the blanket, making them laugh a little.

“We should...probably talk about this.” Clarke says when they pull away but he keeps his hand on her neck and rubs at it with his thumb.

He manages a nod but she can see how tired he is, how on the verge of losing consciousness they both are so she just leans her head forward so that his lips are pressed to the top of her forehead and mumbles.

“Can we figure it out later?” as great as this was, she was right-they had to talk about it, this was new and exciting but also important so they had to clear out what it meant.

“Whenever you’re ready.” his hand falls down and they tangle each other’s fingers under the blankets over Gus who settles now that they’ve stopped moving so much but has rolled on his back with his arms raised like a baby. “Get rest, okay?” she instructs and he smiles as his eyelids drop. 

She’s not sure who falls asleep first.

As sappy as it may sound to her it feels like they both succumb to unsconsciousness in unison but she does wake up from his coughs multiple times at night. He’s tired and asleep but coughing despite it all and the wheezing sound in his lungs shakes her to her core-he rolls over off of them, then comes back but he’s restless-even in his sleep he can’t get peace and she wants to help him, she almost forces herself to sit up and give him water but she must’ve been pretty tired and weak herself because whenever she so much as tried it, her head simply fell back on the pillows.

The cold seeps into her bones and Bellamy must feel it because he pulls her and Gus closer to him and somehow, she thinks that he finds the strength to get up and grab the electric blanket from Gus’ bed so he can expertly shove it under their feet.

How he managed to pull this fight was beyond her-she felt so weak and tired that she couldn’t even force herself to do anything.

At some point in the morning Gus wakes up and he’s all drowsy and sleepy but also whiny and she quickly figures, despite not having that much practice with children, that he’s hungry.

Being used to his dad feeding him early in the morning, he first reaches out to Bellamy, wraps his arms around his neck and tries to sleepily climb on his stomach and chest while munching on his thumb but Clarke swiftly, expertly moves him up in her arms, grabs one of the blankets on top and wraps him in it as she carefully sneaks them from the bed.

He’s not fully awake, definitely still hungry and considering it’s five thirty on a Sunday she’d consider this one of his lingering baby habits of waking up at night and being desperate for milk, so she hums to him while she warms some formula in a bottle using the hot water that Bellamy’s stored in a thermo bottle wrapped to the boiler pipes in the bathroom with a thick rag (another one of Factory’s tricks). Gus whines a little, kicks his feet in annoyance but once she sits them on the kitchen chair and puts him half laying in her arm and lap he settles the moment she gives him the bottle.

In Alpha most mothers stopped nursing their kids at the age of one if not before-it was considered somewhat shameful to nurse your baby beyond that age, a thing that only poor Factory and Farm people did because they couldn’t afford food.

It was also vanity, Clarke knew it, most Alpha mothers wouldn’t really take care of their babies properly-they used elderly women from the other stations who had stopped working because of an injury or were already retired to raise their kids, do chores around the house and clean up while those girls, the same girls Clarke grew up and went to school with, wasted their days with something called socialising which basically meant drinking their coffees for two hours in the morning and talking gossip. They'd be spending their afternoons wandering around the Alpha and GoSci markets shopping for unnecessary things or which Clarke found worse, hire rooms in the lower stations where they slept with men and women who offered their bodies for meager rations.

She felt sick even thinking about it. 

She had heard that Factory women nursed their babies till they’re four or five in order to provide at least one extra meal in their algae rations daily menu but also keep their systems strong as a way to prevent diseases.

Clearly, Gus had lost the chance of being truly nursed when he was still one and Clarke knew Bellamy felt guilty about not being able to provide this for him, but he still tried with the Formula and if Gus still woke up like this then he had a neccessity for it.

Gus drowns his bottle eagerly, maybe a little too fast and she wonders if perhaps Bellamy gives him two bottles now that he’s so grown up but he doesn’t ask for more when he’s done, instead his eyes start drooping again so she slowly lifts him up and burps him a little which is the most adorable sound she’s ever heard. 

Still...she’s not ready to put him back to bed. She has this inner urge to hold him in her arms with the blanket wrapped around him and talk to him quietly as she walked the room.

Soon enough he was fully asleep, drooling on her arm and she was running her fingers through his curls as she spoke.

“You’re growing but you’re still a baby aren’t you-” she mumbles softly “Sweet little baby boy.” Gus’ body goes even limper in her arms and she smiles “Do you want a song, sweet cheeks? Or will we wake your dad if we do that?”

“Dad’s already awake-” Bellamy’s hoarse voice that echoes through the cold room startles her so much she almost jumps when she hears him, making Gus stir a little before blabbing something in his sleep without waking up.

The electricity was still off, it wouldn’t be for another hour and a half before it came back and she could feel her feet getting cold. Bellamy tries to sit up but he’s so weak that he falls back on the bed with a huff.

“Don’t!” she scolds him as she comes closer “Go back to sleep.” she instructs as another bout of coughs, this time stronger, sharper, coarses through him-his cough always was at its worse in the early morning hours as well as late at night after dinner.

He curls up on himself and tries to silence his coughs but they won’t stop which just makes her worry more. 

“He’s...he’s hungry, Clarke.”

“I know, I fed him already.” she promises when she sits by his legs and reaches for his hand but just then another bout of coughs interrupts their conversation and he slides it up to his mouth, to silence all his pain as usually. “God, Bellamy, this is bad.” she shakes her head at him “I’ll make some tea.” he’s quicker than her again this time and he reaches over to grab her wrist.

“There’s no...electricity.” he reminds her and she sighs dropping back on the bed in despair.

He closes his eyes briefly and moves a little up his pillows, knowing by now that this will help ease his breathing. His hand still ends up on his chest and he struggles to push air in and out but he still persists.

“Fine, then I’m making you tea and syrup the moment it comes back.” he smiles a little as if he knew she’d be that stubborn about it but doesn’t fight her, probably because he doesn’t have the strength.

She does notice him wince more than once even when he’s not coughing and quickly figures that it must be his back and leg that cause it. Sitting up helped his lungs but made his bones feel worse in the awkward angle position. 

“You are so...natural with him.” he tells her as he watches her holding Gus, rubbing her hand up and down his tiny back and rocking them both lightly “He adores you.” she shakes her head in disagreement at that, though.

“I don’t know what he needs.” she counters and Bellamy tilts his head at her confused “He wakes up hungry and looks for you, gets hurt and runs to you, feels scared and wraps himself around you.” she sighs a little “And that’s normal, you’re his whole world but-” she doesn’t continue for a moment and Bellamy reaches over to cover her hand on her lap and prompt her to keep going.

“But?”

“Now that I’m going to be staying around I want to help too. I can’t keep laying in bed  doing nothing-I need to work and I want to take care of him...and of you.” he opens his mouth to protest but she’s faster “Before you try and fight me yes, you do need taking care of and you already promised to let me in, Bellamy.”

“That’s not your responsibility, Clarke.” he says weakly and coughs again “He’s not. I’ve told you that before.”

“We weren’t a family then.” his eyes shoot for her and he watches her lean closer and brush her lips against his hot forehead “Or were you just joking around when you sweet talked me last night?”

“I wasn’t. I mean it.” he says without any trace of doubt. “I mean it all, Clarke.” he adds “I just don’t want to put more burdens on you.”

“That boy’s not a burden, Bellamy.” she assures glancing down at Gus again and smiling at his sleeping figure and a flash of guilt passes through Bellamy’s face “He’s a blessing and he’s the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“I didn’t mean it like that, I just-” she shakes her head and squeezes his hand again but waits for him to take a deep breath and compose himself after another cough breaks the conversation which only makes her wince harder “He’s not always a cute adorable happy kid, okay? He is annoyed and grumpy in the morning. He’s stubborn in the evening, he refuses to eat on most occassions that aren’t him being a baby early in the morning like right now and he cries when I leave him at school.” he explains “Jesus I feel bad just saying this out loud but-”

“He’s a child, of course he’s not all puppies and rainbows, Bellamy.” she assures that she gets what he means “I understand.” Bellamy sighs and reaches over to rub Gus’ back and kiss the back of his head.

“Put him in his bed and come back here.” he says “It’s cold, your feet will freeze and I don’t know how to treat frostburn.” she rolls her eyes at that and mock slaps his arm before she gently puts Gus down in his little bed and tucks him in as per Bellamy’s instructions (”Wrap his legs good, okay? Cover his back. Add an extra blanket.”)

Bellamy pushes aside to the wall and she sneaks in under the blankets in his place, letting her head fall on his pillow. The scent of him overwhelms her and she can’t help but close her eyes and breathe it in.

He huffs and grunts a little as he adjusts and she furrows her eyebrows at him because he was now lying on his bad side and with his whole chest swollen and bruised this must be even worse than usually for him. Yet he brushes it off, like he does everything concerning his well being and sneaks an arm to her waist only to push her closer to him.

Now that Gus isn’t between them anymore, they can truly feel each other’s bodies pressed to one another and sure, it’s not the first time this happens but it is the first one since they kissed.

Clarke takes her moment and buries her nose in his chest while he strokes her back up and down and kisses the top of her head. It feels amazing to just be held by him, have his strong body wrapped around hers, hear his heartbeat trumping in his chest, smell the scent of him that was just so distinctively Bellamy-of metal, Gus and just the barest shean of sweat that made it all the more so hot for her. Then there was also the scent of miracle rub and antisepctic oil that she used on his bandages which make her angry and a little too sad. 

Her hand reaches over for his chest and sneaks under his sweater and shirt, making him hiss.

“Shit-” he jumps a little “You’re damn cold, princess.”

“Sorry-” she apologizes but shoves her feet between his at the same time he says this and he grunts a quiet curse. 

“You don’t get out of bed without any socks, Clarke.” he scolds mildly “Especially with the electricity still off.” she looks up at him in quiet defiance.

“Why not? You do it.” he gives her an amused look.

“It’s different.” she tilts her head a little.

“Why?” he sighs tiredly and leans in closer to her, foreheads touching, his hand cupping her cheek. 

“You’re so stubborn, princess.” she smirks and leans in for a kiss that turns into a lazy morning session of quiet soft ones mixed with a few hot and messy ones here and there but they’re in no rush now, they know it, they have the bliss of the morning calmness with the kid asleep and the world at ease.

His hand moves up and down her waist, pulls her even closer and she intertwines her legs with his while his bandaged fingers move to her stomach and slowly inch upwards, in an almost annoyingly torturious way while his lips slide from hers down to her cheek, her chin and then her earlobe which he tugs a little with his teeth and makes her back arch-dammit, he knew how to please a woman, not that she expected anything else from him, he did look like a charmer from the first moment she met him, so she never doubted he had a flirtatious side, a cheeky adorable one that was mixed with his shy boyish anxious one.

She groans at his awful pace and impatiently slides her hand under her sweater and shirt so she can push it up to cup her breast through the thin cotton Ark-issued bra. He giggles at her movement but squeezes her, gently kneads over her like a cat as his mouth slides to her neck and sucks on her skin there.

“Bellamy-” she moans pushing into him.

“So impatient, princess.” he whispers, fanning her neck which only gives her more goosebumps.

She moves her hand from under her clothes and the blankets so she could rake his hair, tug at his curls as he kept kissing her shoulder and collarbone, digging his nose against the paper thin fabric of the shirt he’s given her to wear so she could be warm. Clarke feels her center get warmer, wetness pooling into her crotch and almost gets embarrassed about how fast he managed to do this to her.

And then, as fast as he had begun, he pulled away, breathing raggedly against her face, eyes closed, trying to compose himself and calm his heart.

She was pretty sure he wasn’t left unaffected by it either as she felt his buldge pressing against her stomach but she feels guilty she forgot he wasn’t feeling well, that less than half an hour ago he was coughing his lungs out, that he was surely in pain judging by the groan that leaves his lips.

“Bellamy, are you-” he just reaches for her hand in return and she quickly finds him, squeezing his fingers hard while he buries his head in her chest and her other hand strokes his head while the pain coarses through his body.

She truly feels pain now, for the first time-as a doctor, she thought she’d ought to know what that is like and she had seen open nasty wounds before, people squirming from broken bones or torn up limbs, women giving birth but she never truly let herself understand it-she tried to fix it, right away if she could, bring their pain to a minimum but she never felt as she was a part of it.

Now...now with him here she did.

She wrapped him in her arms and held him as his whole body trembled, he coughed but for once it wasn’t his lungs, it was his back and leg that hurt too bad-an injury he only got to save her life and she can’t help but feel guilty about it.

He breathes raggedly, clenches his jaw and bites back his yells, turning them into groans. His pulse quickens, she feels his tears wet her shirt and there’s nothing, absolutely nothing, she can do but whisper in his ears that it’s okay and that she’s here.

When the clench of the painful grip finally let loose, he pulls away and she cups his face, brushing the sweat from his forehead with her sleeve. 

“You’re okay.” she says softly, like a mantra “You’re alright.” he doesn’t say anything for a while, just lays there his body relaxing into the matress and the pillows like melting ice on a mountain cap-slowly but not without leaving a trail behind. When he opens his eyes, they’re filled with more unshed tears “Hey-” she greets him softly as she keeps rubbing his cheeks with her thumb “Hey, Bellamy.” he doesn’t return her smile, instead bows his head down in shame and she picks his chin up and forces him to look at her “Don’t hide, please.” she asks of him “You don’t have to hide from me.”

“Remember...remember that talk we were supposed to have?”

“We don’t need to have it right now.” she promises but he shakes his head.

“Yes, we do. Because of what just happened...we...we do.”

“Bellamy, you’re not okay now.”

“That’s the thing, princess-” he continues swallowing hard and blinking before focusing his eyes on her again “I never am anymore.”

“Bellamy,-” she tries but he cuts her off before she can continue.

“You deserve better than this.” he spills out trying to keep his voice down and she opens her mouth to fight him, eyebrows furrowed, her hand clenching on him harder “No, hear me out, I need to say this, Clarke.” those words soften her a little but she doesn’t loosen her grip on his arms “You...you’re here now and we...both Gus and I we love it but...maybe things will change...maybe your mom and Wells...they’ll...they’ll figure out a way for you to go back to Alpha.”

“They won’t.”

“What happened to hearing me...out?” he’s out of breath, coughing on every second word, now that his back pain loosened, his coughs returned. It was as if one demon let him go and another one grabbed him in his hold. She rolls her eyes but decides to let him have his speech, knowing that he’s too stubborn to have his mind changed right now. “Maybe you can go back home...find a good boy or...girl...be happy because me? I will bring you nothing...but pain.” he looks into her eyes “I am pain, Clarke.” 

“Bell-” she tries again but he keeps on going.

“And I don’t want you to constantly have to worry about me, to wonder if you have enough to eat or if you can walk the hallways freely. I don’t want you to have to...deal with this...with me...and with Gus and...Factory.”

“Are you done now?”she counters a little too snappy, too angrily but he doesn’t sink on himself this time, he keeps believing his words, his stupid logic and she has the urge to smack him on the head for his stupidity, was he not so...hurt and in pain. 

“First of all, I’m never going back to Alpha-” this time he opens his mouth to protest but she stops him with a finger on his lips that surprises him so much he looks down on it like a child at a doctor’s examination”Even if I can, I won’t, I’m sick and tired of it and if you do not want me here, then...I’ll find another way.”

“Clarke-” he interrupts her a little too angry after her words but she shakes her head.

“I thought you were hearing me out?” she mirrors his words from before and he falters, but rolls his eyes in his exasperated Bellamy way though he doesn’t speak up again “And you are in the wrong if you think that you know what is best for me-” she says a little louder, a little too abruptly and maybe sternly but she wants to get through his thick head “because this is my choice and if I chose to be with you, if we decide to try this out then Bellamy, I am all in. And I chose you and Gus. This isn’t a temporary thing for me, it’s not a game-I won’t fool around with you today, then run back to Alpha.” his eyes tear at that again and she cups his cheeks, speaking softer now that he relaxes a little again upon hearing her words.

“Clarke...”

“I want to stay, Bellamy. I want to be with you...if you’ll have me.” she feels her tears pick at her eyes “I want to be here for you when you’re in pain, I want to hold you and kiss you and be with Gus and you. It doesn’t scare me, Bell-” she insists “This life...your pain...it doesn’t scare me. You know why? Because I know that we can take on it...together.” he keeps her eyes on her for a second too long when she finishes and then he surges in and kisses her. 

And this time the kiss is different-it’s not sweet and sneaky, it’s not hot and desperate-it is bigger than any of it. She feels like this time, they truly become one, he kisses her with absolutely everything that he has-all his love, all his heart, all his kindness but also-all his pain, all his sorrow and...all his sadness. 

He shares it with her, lets her feel it, shows his vulnerability unashamed and truly lets her feel all of him. 

Clarke kisses him back the same way-with her fears, with her guilt, with her uncertainty of what is to come but at the same time with her honest, beautiful love for him as well.

When he pulls back finally they are both crying and smiling at the same time and he holds her face in his hands.

“Are you sure?” he asks “This won’t be all good, Clarke. In fact...it’ll probably just mostly be bad.” she rubs her nose against him and kisses his lips softly before she breaths out.

“I’m sure.” she says with certainty and he keeps his eyes on her making sure that she truly means it. When he finds whatever it is he’s looking for into her eyes he relaxes a little and gives her a small nod. 

“Okay then...in that case you should know that I chose you too, princess.” she smiles softly and leans in for another kiss that’s however short-lived because yet another bout of coughs interrupts him and she simply rolls on her back and pulls his head to her chest, holding him close and allowing him to silence his pain.

“I’m sorry...” he whispers “That was disgusting.”

“You forget that I’m a doctor, Bell. I’ve seen plenty of nasty awful shit-a cough won’t scare me.” she assures but he doesn’t look up so she simply kisses the top of his head and keeps stroking him in a desperate attempt to help him calm down but he won’t-his morning bouts are bad-deep shattering rattles that somehow Gus slept through though she wasn’t exactly sure how.

What scares her is that when she looks down on him she finds his cheeks flushing and not in the cute sexy kind of after-kissing session way-no...he’s hot. When she drags her hand over his forehead she finds it burning.

“Damn it, Bellamy.” she whispers to him “They must’ve broken a rib, you have a fever.”

“It’s alright...it’ll pass.” but she doesn’t like how he feels, the way his lungs sound and she wishes once again that she had her med bag with her-the stethoscope that felt like an extention of her hand, the bandages and thermometers. She suddenly moves up as if awaken when that last thought passes through her mind.

“Wait...you have a thermometer, don’t you?” she asks and he looks up a little, nodding at her slowly. She remembered just now that he told her Gus’ temperature when he was sick so they must have one.

“Why?” she jumps off the bed and searches for her socks under the bed, quickly shoving them on her “Princess-” he grabs her wrist “You won’t be taking my temperature.”

“Yes I will. Where is it?”

“Clarke, just come back here.” he pleads with his big eyes but she won’t have it, not when another cough shakes him and he curls up on himself whimpering like a kicked puppy. 

“Bellamy, where?” she insists but he shakes his head.

“Please...just come here...” he asks again softly and then like Gus himself he adds “Maybe...you can hold me?” and there’s so much vulnerability in it, so much sadness and want as well so she just sighs and lets her shoulders sag.

“Fine, but I’m taking it later, I don’t care if you want or not.” she sneaks back under the sheets and pulls him to her chest, adjusting his arms over her stomach and half-sitting up softly maneuvering his upper body over hers.

He lays his head on her chest and she quickly figures that he already loves her boobs too much considering the way he buries his nose in them and moans a little too happy and pleased. 

God, she thinks. He was such a child sometimes. At the thought of children, something popped in her head and she held him a little tighter to bring his attention to her.

”How do you...think we’ll explain this to Gus?” she asks softly, throwing her head back at his bed and finding him still curled up and asleep in the same position. Bellamy thinks over it for a while and then looks up seemingly wary and scared.

“Actually...I think that maybe we shouldn’t tell him right away.” he swallows hard “I just don’t want to spook him, make him think that I’m...replacing his mom-”

“Right after another woman moved in.” she finishes and he shakes his head and moves up a little but that just sends him into another coughing fit so she pushes his head down and cups his cheek, finding it hotter than it was before.

“Clarke no, I don’t mean it like that, I just-”

“Relax, Bellamy. I understand.” she promises with a gentle smile “I think maybe we should give it some time too, let ourselves just...get to know each other more. All that we’ve had so far is pain and suffering and this...a relationship is something entirely different.”

“So you’re okay with this?” he doesn’t seem to believe her despite her reassurances “He was very happy to have you here though and I think that he’ll be okay with it but still...”

“We should ease him into it.” Clarke insists “He’s just a four year old and I only moved less than a week ago...it’s a lot for us so for him it must all be a huge deal.” 

“It is. We haven’t really had the time to talk about it much. I don’t want to overwhelm him or spook him. Most of the times he comes to me and tell me how he feels which is what I’m most grateful for.”

“He feels like he can do it, he trusts you.” Clarke comments as she keeps dragging her fingers through his curls mindlessly. “I could never do that with my parents. Well with my dad sometimes but...I just learned to close off early on so even if I wanted to, he’d have to sit me down and poke around the subject until I burst into tears or simply laid in his lap and let him stroke my hair without uttering a word.”

“That must’ve been hard.” he says looking up and reaching to cup her cheek as he kisses the place right below her neck and nuzzles back on her chest. 

“I got used to it, I suppose.”

“That’s not a good thing either, Clarke.” he comments “I’m sorry.” she shakes her head and slides down on the pillows again but just then he starts coughing once more and he’s shaking so hard this time that she actually gets scared. It was easier before when he was just a patient, someone to treat, to help out but now? Now he was someone she was falling in love with, someone she truly cared about...her family and he was in pain. The rational doctor part of her was telling her to calm down and figure out a way to help him but the other, emotional one was freaking the fuck out. 

“Can you...can you get me...some water?” he asks and she immideately reaches for the bottle he kept on the small nightstand separating their and Gus’ bed, helping him to a few sips which turn into him drowning almost all of it in one go. “Thanks.” he mumbles and she shakes her head at him.

“That’s not good, Bellamy.”

“It’ll be alright. I just need some time to recover.” the last word sends a shiver down her spine and she raises her eyebrow at him as she held his head in her hands.

“Recover from what?” he curses in Tagalog a little, angry that he let it slip like this and just drags her down to the pillows, where they lay side by side again, face to face. “What are you hiding?”

“Nothing. I just meant...from the vent fixing and all.”

“I thought the burns were from that.” she counters but he closes his eyes and just takes deep ragged breaths “Bellamy, what’s going on?” she pushes but just then as it was last night, Gus perks up in his bed.

“Dada?” he calls him and Bellamy tries to sit up but Clarke’s faster, she pushes him down on the bed and leans over his body.

“Don’t even think about it!” she scolds and he sighs tiredly, laying back down, simply without any strength after the last coughing bout. 

“I’m here, sweet boy.” Clarke announces and just as she gets up the electricity comes in with its blazing glory, lighting up the lamp above and turning on everything at the same time. Clarke never knew that an electric buzzing would bring her so much joy. Gus giggles at it, claps his hands but he’s still lazy and sleepy and reaches out his hands for Clarke when she leans over him. “Hey, Gus. Good morning.”

“Good mowning, Clarke.” he wraps his arms around her neck and lets her pick him up.

“Put a sweater on him...and his thicker socks.” Bellamy instructs, moving up on the bed again as another cough interrupts him. Gus turns to him and his face twists in worry.

“Dada-” he whines in his typical morning childish annoyance. “Dada-”

“Come here.” Bellamy reaches over for him “Hand him over, Clarke.” she sighs, definitely not happy about it-Bellamy should leave the bed today, not with the way his lungs sounded, not with his injured hands and bruised body-he should be sleeping, resting, especially considering the fact that he had work tomorrow and he’ll push his body to its limits again. 

Clarke lets Gus down on the bed and he craws over to his dad like a little bear cub looking for their mom. Bellamy lets him sneak under the blankets and rest on his chest even though it surely hurts him.

“Morning, kiddo.” he runs his hand through his curls “How was your first night as a four year old?”

“Awesome, dada.” he mumbles “Gus slept better.” Bellamy smiles, kisses his forehead and rubs his back as he throws Clarke a knowing look. His son was a cute grumpy little morning mess but he looked adorable there in his dad’s arms. She doesn’t miss the flush of his cheeks though or the coughs that won’t stop and she decides to get her hands busy even if Bellamy doesn’t seem too happy about it. 

She asks him questions about where things are even though she’s mostly remembered them. Gus would be eating some biscuits and what was some sort of Factory oatmeal that Bellamy bought last week, mixed with warm formula. There would be no breakfast ration for Bellamy since he had points only for dinner these days but Clarke sees the last two bean cans in the cupboard and figures she can make something for lunch. 

Gus gets playful in the bed in the meantime, rolls around, kicks the sheets, asks his dad to get up and play but Clarke shushes him down and instead hands them over the Giving tree to read again, seeing as how tired and on the verge of sleep Bellamy was once more. 

“Did you turn the heating on again-” he asks her when she comes over and places a cold cloth on his forehead and lifts his shirt up to touch on the bruises and his ribs.

He hisses at her touch and she knows it’s not just because of her cold fingers but because he hurts. Gus perks up and scrunches up his nose when he sees the bruises but he’s fascinated with the way Clarke examines Bellamy so he mostly keeps staring up at in absolute awe. 

“Those are surely broken-” she mumbles when her fingers ghost over his right side and then move to his left “And these are just bruised, I think.”

“Dada, you should rest today.” Gus exclaims “You’w too huwt.”

“I’m fine, baby boy.” he promises stroking his hair “You have to eat now so hop off and go to the table.

“Can’t I eat here?” he asks instead tilting his head and Bellamy moves up a little coughing up some more. 

“No. People don’t eat in their beds, Gus.”

“You do.” Gus counters again crossing his arms over his chest. Apparently he has decided to be stubborn this morning. That or he just didn’t want to let his dad out of his sight. 

“That’s because he’s hurt. You don’t want to eat in bed, Gus, it’s very uncomfortable.” Clarke assures rubbing his back and sensing his anxiety “How about you eat and then you can show me the rest of your presents.”

“He has homework.” Bellamy prods, hand wrapped around his ribs “And he has to finish it.” Gus sighs and rolls his eyes.

“But dada, I thout today we rest.” he tries, giving him his big eyes and his pouty lips that Bellamy unlike Clarke, is immune to. He shakes his head sternly, in the most parent way ever and gives him a serious look as he tries to control his breathing.

“You need to practice on your reading and then learn the rhyme miss Karen assigned you for the Wheat day celebrations.” Bellamy reminds and tries to get out of bed. “Come on, first breakfast, then we’ll study together.”

“You’re not leaving this bed today.” Clarke says sternly, pushing him back down but he tries to fight her on it. Only, he can’t because he’s way too weak to do so. “Come on, Gus, let’s put your big boy clothes on and have breakfast.” she instructs, tugging the boy to the edge of the bed but he keeps shooting his dad worried glances and not without reason because Bellamy simply doesn’t stop coughing.

Just when Clarke’s done helping him dress-he mostly did it on his own, there’s a knock on the door and Bellamy glances at Clarke to open, probably recognizing the specific way of knocking or just knowing that it’d be his mom on the other side.

Aurora comes in with a soft smile, pale face and big dark circles under her eyes but she definitely looks more rested.

“Thought I came by to bring you some breakfast.” she puts the small bowl of meager algae ration on the table and immideately glances at her son on the bed. 

“Mom...this is your ration.” he mumbles at her but she shakes her head and comes by his side eyebrows furrowed after passing by the table, stroking Gus’ head and kissing his cheeks and greeting Clarke all the while exchanging a worried look with her. 

“What, no good morning to your poor old mom?” she scolds him just like Bellamy scolded Gus a moment ago and he rolls his eyes.

“Morning, mom.” 

“That’s better.” she reaches over and fixes the cloth on his forehead “You burning up again?” she turns to Clarke who looks at Bellamy and he in turn slightly shakes his head-his mom didn’t need to know about his bruised body. “What’s that? Did you get hurt?”

“Dada twaid to fix a fan and burnt himself, gwandma.” Gus chimes in, sheeks full of his porrige as his eyes darted to the wall where the projector was playing his favorite cartoon. 

“You what?”

“It was a vent, not a fan, Gus.” Bellamy corrects when another cough shatters him “I’m fine, mom. It’s nothing. Clarke patched me up, so it’s fine.” Aurora sighs and purses her lips.

“When will you stop lying to me?”

“I’m not lying, mom.” he says annoyed at her worry and just then his coughing returns in the worst possible way, he slides down to the bed and curls up on his own. Clarke who has been preparing the tea and warming up the suryp on the stove, comes in with a hot mug and gestures for Aurora to help her move him up so he can drink. 

As angry at her son as she is, Aurora can’t miss the soft way in which Clarke cups his cheek or how she runs her fingers through his hair before adjusting his blankets and helping him lay down and rest on his back and while this wasn’t anything foreign to those two it feels...different now. Clarke’s more emotional than calm and collected this time-her hands shake and her eyes are filled with worry provoked out of...love.

Aurora tilts her head as she observes them, smiles at the way Bellamy’s hand grabs her fingers and rubs them with his thumb in a calming manner-they don’t talk to each other, opting instead to simply stare at each other and understand each other in that way only.

She smiles.

Her son had only ever looked at one girl this way and she was the mother of his son.

Chapter 34

Notes:

A/N: I'm so sorry for the long delay again! The past two months had been tough and it seems the next one will be also. I've been dealing with some depression and mostly writing for my other fic because it just suits me better at the moment but I haven't forgotten about this one!

Thank you all for reading and supporting me! This one is a bit smutty and I hope you'll enjoy it! Happy holidays to those of you who celebrate!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Something had shifted between Clarke and Bellamy but she could see Clarke’s shy and nervous look when she pulled away to grab him the algae bowl she brought and decided not to ask, at least not yet. Whatever was going on they needed the time and space to figure it out.

She couldn’t ask but she could help, she thought, as she looked back on Gus who was munching on his food on the table while staring at the cartoon ahead, mouth half-open and drooling. 

“You should eat it-” Clarke brings the algae over but Bellamy shakes his head and pushes it to her.

“No, you will eat it.” he insists through a cough.

“Bellamy, you need the strength.” she keeps arguing but he won’t have it and to prove his point he rolls over and turns his back to her and his mom like a literal five year old. “Really? That’s your solution? Turning your back to me?” she huffs annoyed and her hands shake out in frustration so hard that she almost spills the algae. “Fine, you idiot! Pass out if you so much want to!”

“You know you’ll be the first to do that when you try to stand up just now, princess.” he huffs and looks back behind his shoulder. Aurora almost feels bad about bringing it over when she sees them bickering but Clarke’s look softens when he balws up on himself with his hand wrapped around his ribs and winces hard.

She reaches out and rubs his arm up and down in a soothing manner. 

“How about I take Gus with me today and you two get the time to rest?” Aurora suggests and Bellamy immideately perks up when he hears that ready to protest. “Bellamy, you need it.” his mom insists before he can argue “Yesterday was hard and you both need to relax a little.”

“Mom, it’s okay, you have orders and-”

“And I haven’t spent that much quality time with my grandson lately. I can sew and help him do his homework, it’ll actually get the time to pass faster and brighten things up a little.” Aurora says and Bellamy’s face falls. He knows that though Aurora spends most of the time here with them, taking care of Gus and helping out, she still felt alone when she went back home after a tiring evening out.

“Mom, you’re tired too. You should take this day to rest before the new week starts.”

“Look who’s talking.” Aurora counters and Bellamy sighs a little in mock annoynace “Maybe you two can sleep some, then take a walk outside. I’ll bring him in late in the afternoon so you can still spend a few hours together.”

“I don’t think Bellamy should leave the bed.” Clarke says worriedly again when she looks down at his pale face as the pain coarsing through his body, bouts of painful spasms make him shake and tense every ten or so minutes. 

“I won’t spend an entire day trapped here-” Bellamy protests right away making both of them roll their eyes at his behavior “I’ve had too many of those after the accident. Plus walking will help me ease some of the pain.”

“Is your leg numb?” Clarke asks immideately when he says that and moves her hand down to his knee. He nods a little, too embarassed to admit it but his plan must work because she sighs and gives him a small nod “Then maybe you can take a short walk-” Bellamy beams “But only with a crutch!” 

“Aye aye, doctor!” he mock salutes her and Clarke chuckles at his silly boyish behavior. Aurora doesn’t miss how she almost leans over as if to kiss his forehead but then remembers herself, stops and pulls back a little too fast, too suddenly, making her cheeks blush. “Mom...are there many guards outside?” he asks, turning his head to her with a now very much worried expression, as if he suddenly rememebred that it’s not too safe for Clarke to leave the quarters. 

“I caught a few patroling the main hallway but none anywhere near here.” she assures “I think no one will stop you unless you have to cross the broders between the stations.”

“I just don’t want to risk it with her still not having her ID.” he keeps on trying to raise himself up on the pillows and take a proper breath.

“I think you’ll be fine. The guards are too lazy on Sundays, you know that. They mostly hide around the corners, drink moonshine and play cards while no one’s looking.” she was right.

On Saturdays when the big market was opened for Factory, Farm and Arrow stations, the guards were on high alert because there were many people crossing the borders and even more trying to trade and buy things in the big mess hall but on Sundays the citizents were lazy and tired, they barely went out and the market was still going but it was much smaller, with less vendors going around and less people out to buy things. It wasn’t crowded but there were still folks so it’d prove to be a good cover for them-to meddle in with the rest of the population and stay in the shadows. 

He sighs and looks up at Clarke with the corner of his eyes.

“What do you think, princess? Do you want to go out?” she shrugs a little pretending like she’s not thinking too hard about it but he could see the light in her eyes, the desperation. She had been cooped up inside all week and Gus’ birthday yesterday was fun, but also very tiring-this could give her the opportunity to take a breath without bearing any responsibility.

Well, except worrying over him cause he’d be a fucking disaster trying to walk out there but he will do his best to hide his pain away. 

“Only if you think you’re up for it.” he smiles at that-of course she’d put someone else before her needs being the doctor that she is. “I don’t want you to push yourself.”

“I’m fine.” he waves it off and it elicits another groan from both Clarke and his mom but then he reaches over and takes Aurora’s cold fingers “We’ll take you up on your offer, mom.” she smiles and leans over, cupping his feverish cheeks and kissing his forehead gently.

When they tell Gus, he seems excited even if he is a little too lazy and slow after yesterday’s major fun. Bellamy reminds his mom and him that he has to do his homework which elicits a small groan from the boy but Bellamy knows that he did love studying, it was just that he was soft tired and a little spoiled after all the birthday celebrations but that he would do what was asked of him. 

“I’ll miss you, dada!” Gus says after giving his dad a hug and squeezing his neck so hard that Bellamy felt like he may pop a vein. 

“I’ll miss you too, baby boy but we’ll see each other later, I promise. Now go have some fun with grandma.” Gus nods and he’s halfway through the door when he remembers something, rushes back in and crashes in Clarke, wrapping his tiny arms around her legs and looking up with big soft eyes. 

“I’ll miss Clarke too.” she leans over and peppers his face with kisses in just the way he loves it before hugging him tight and promising that later they can draw some together “Can we wead the Giving tree again?”

“Of course, sweet cheeks.”

“What’s that?” Aurora asks tilting her head in confusion “I haven’t heard of that book.”

“Clarke dwew it fow me! It’s a poem her dada read to her evewy nait when she was like me.” Aurora gives Clarke a curious and a little sad look and she looks down in turn. 

“And the more you practice on your letters, the more you’ll be able to read it to grandma yourself, right?” Clarke reminds and he nods but there is this stubborn streak behind his eyes that tells her the kid will do it-he had his dad’s strength and that endless Blake drive that helped them go through everything life threw at them. She had no doubts Gus would excell at school when he started it-he was already the best student in his Factory group at day care, the teachers couldn’t stop praising him and she could see how proud Bellamy was with him.

Gus throws himself in her arms one last time, lets her kiss his cheeks and then takes grandma’s hand but doesn’t stop looking back as they go through the door which makes Clarke feel a little guilty about sending him off even though she knew Bellamy needed a moment to breathe and not try to constantly hide his pain away for his son’s sake.

When she stands up this time though, she does sway violently and almost topples over, grabbing the chair in the last possible second. 

“Clarke!” Bellamy exclaims and tries to sit up in bed, already tossing the sheets and letting his legs off the bed. 

“Don’t!” she scolds him when the darkness moves away from her eyes and her vision, though blurry, still clears somewhat. “I’m okay.”

“No you’re not.” he huffs “Go eat some of the cake from yesterday, your blood sugar’s low.”

“I wasn’t aware we switches places and you were suddenly the doctor, Bellamy.” she huffs but when she tries to take another step forward she wobbles again.

Before she knows it, he’s up on his feet and limping to her and she wants to tell him to stop, she wants him to go back and lay down but instead he swiftly wraps an arm around her back and under her knees and lifts her up in his arms. 

“Bellamy! Bellamy, no! Let me down! Let me GO!” she starts protesting, kicking her feet in the air and trying to wiggle out of his embrace but his hands have an iron grip on her and though he limps and though she can feel how feverish he is through his paper thin shirt, he doesn’t let go. “Bellamy! Stop it! You shouldn’t carry me! Your back...and no! Bellamy-”

“Shh, quiet, princess! Most of our neighbours are still sleeping!” he says but he looks down at her amused as she keeps kicking and then out of nowhere as she fights him, she slaps his chest and he ouches loud as she must’ve hit a particularly nasty bruise. “Hey! Do you want me to drop you?” he says a little annoyed but she’s angry, her chin is jutted up in the most stubborn Clarke manner and the frown on her forehead oh God he wants to kiss that frown. 

“Let. ME. GO!” she insists as she keeps banging her tiny fist on his shoulder not with force, of course, now that she knows that he hurts she’d never add more to it, but with her stubborness and relentless fight even when she looked so pale that he didn’t even know how she had to strength to argue with him right now. 

“No.” 

“Bellamy, your back is bad and your leg was numb a minute ago, put me down right now!”

“I thought this is what you princesses wanted-someone to carry you around, do your hair, put your clothes on.” he says with his significant smirk that she just wanted to wipe off his face but when she moved her head up closer to him, it went all black before her eyes again and instead she suddenly eased back into his arms, her body going limper. 

“Shut up!” she mumbles but leans her head against his chest and stops fighting him. “I was supposed to take care of you.” she whispers when she allows him to carry her to bed and place her down on the pillows. He shakes his head as he leans down and kisses the worry between her eyebrows.

“We take care of each other now, princess.” he says seriously “You stumble and I catch you. I stagger and you hold my hand, okay?” she looks at him and finds only truth and honesty in his eyes but she knows...she knows deep down that he always sacrifices more, that he always puts everyone else before him.

That is why he was in this state to begin with-he covered her with his body during the blast, he got a beating while she was being trialed because he was desperate to fight for her. The truth was, perhaps both his and Gus’ life would be much easier if she hadn’t become part of theirs. 

“Now don’t move.” he instructs and she watches him stand back on his feet and wince as he does so, his hand shooting for his back and his eyes closing as he tries to undergo a sharp bout of pain. 

“Get your crutch.” she tries but he waves her off “Bellamy, don’t make me stand up and craw to grab it for you because I will!”

“Fine, fine, jeez, so dramatic those Alpha girls!” she reaches for his pillow and throws it at him making him laugh but she doesn’t miss the way he winces when he can’t bend his knee but instead drags his whole leg to the corner where his crutch was. She relaxes on her pillows after and is surprised when she starts dozing off a little but his strong hand shakes her back to reality. He’s holding two cookies in a napkin and waving them before her face.

“No-” she juts her chin away from him “These are for Gus. The parents gave them for him-”

“He’ll understand.” Bellamy insists and while she tries to fight him he catches her mouth half opened as she’s about to protest and he uses it to push the first one in her mouth. 

She grunts, rolls her eyes but starts munching on the cookie under his scrutinizing look. Still, to make sure she finishes them, he carefully gets in bed with her and stares at her until she’s done. Once she is, she dramatically rubs her hands off his shirt, making him giggle.

“What?” she asks when he pulls her to his side with his arm and stares down at her lovingly. “Do I have something on my face?” she reaches for her mouth but he’s faster and the next thing she knows she can feel his thumb on her lips, swiping away the few stranded crumbs that stuck on her after her messy eating.

He tilts her head up but his eyes are on her lips and she tries to remember if someone ever looked at her that way but she can’t because there simply wasn’t one.

“Bellamy-” she says out of breath and he looks up at her again smiling.

His thumb goes up to her forehead, rubs away her frown, then slides over her eyebrows, cups her cheek. His bandaged index finger moves over her nose and in the most cute and adorable way he boops it a little with the tip, making her scrunch it up in the cutest of ways. “Bell-” she whines now and pushes into him a little too desperately. 

“Yes, princess?” he asks but his hand slides down to her stomach and sneaks under her sweater and shirt only to start caressing it in the most torturous slow but adorably soft way that makes her even more annoyed and hot eliciting a frustrated groan from her. “Was there something you needed?”

She reaches over and grabs his shirt, fisting it in her hands and pulling him closer, kissing his lips. She can feel him smile a little as he kisses her back but then she slides down on the pillows and he towers over her with his body. It turns into a hot messy kissing session after that with his hands roaming everywhere and her pushing into him in desperation. 

“Bellamy-” she sucks in when his hand slides from her breast to her stomach then all the way down to the hem of her pants which were actually...his boxers since she owned only one pair of underwear that Aurora brought for her last night but which she changed out of in the morning. 

Bellamy looks up at her eyes glassy with want and he stops, rubbing his fingers left and right above them and leaning his forehead over hers, touching it softly but keeping his brown ocean of warmth on her calm blue sea. 

“Can I?” he asks carefully and she nods a little too fast which in turn makes her feel somewhat embarrassed. “Are you sure?” he doesn’t move, not even an inch before he’s certain that she means this “I know it’s all moving too fast and we don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.”

“I like that...I love kissing you and touching you but right now I think that we can...do more.” she whispers back and he smiels “Not necessarily...sex but-”

“That’s okay-” he promises as he keeps rubbing his hand over her stomach, sending goosebumps over her entire body “I’m not sure I’m ready for this either.” he looks down shyly over his hand on her body and suddenly feels self-conscious “In fact...I haven’t done any of this in over three years so...I’m probably out of shape.”

“Hey-” she reaches over and cups his cheek “I don’t want you to worry about any of that, okay? Just being here with you is...perfect.” he rubs his nose against her and smiles, obviously for once believing her “Plus...I haven’t been with that many people myself and only...one guy before.”

“Hey, shush, I don’t care about those things, Clarke.” he promises moving his hand from her stomach to her cheek and rubbing it gently “I don’t.” she relaxes under him and takes his wirst pushing his hand down to where it was before.

“Go on then.” she suggests and he beams at that like a boy-happy and a little shy at the same time. He kisses her hard as he pulls down her sweatpants and his boxers with one movement all the while kissing her neck and going down to her collarbone. For some reason both of them were still wearing their shirts on so Clarke swiftly reaches for the hem of his shirt and pulls it off, then helps him do the same. 

She wants to marvel at his body but he doesn’t give her the chance to for some reason, instead he just moves down, pays a lot of attention to her boobs which riles her up even more and by the time he goes down to her center she’s embarrassingly wetting the sheets beneath them.

“I gotta say there’s something really hot about you wearing my boxers.” he whispers and his breath fans her skin, making her push into his face as he chuckles at her eagerness and impatience.

When he buries his face between her legs, though she’s done for in ways she didn’t even know about before. He sucks her clit and uses his tongue with such eagerness and softness that she didn’t know he possessed. Her hand buries in his curls for the hundreth time that day but she doesn’t stroke him lazily now, no, she tugs at his hair and elicits moans from him while he undoes her whole. He may be doing this to her, eating her out and reaching his hand up to tease one of her tits while using his other to keep her legs spread out but she doesn’t miss the way he ruts against the matress himself and how desperate and passionate his own moans are.

She doesn’t just come, she drenches the sheets and when he pulls up and wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand, he’s too smug for his own good so she tugs him up by the hand and kisses him senseless. 

“Damn it, Bellamy.” she mumbles when she breaks the kiss and runs her hand through his curls and cheeks, cupping his beautiful face in hers.

“What is it, princess? Did I make you speechless?” he jokes making her shake her head as her hand slid down to his buldge and grips it through the thin fabric of his boxers. He hisses and thursts into her involunarily, making her the one in control now, smirking in satisfaction.

“You were saying, Bell?” he hisses when she moves her hand up to his stomach and drags her nails up and down the hair there, making him shiver and groan. His hands grip her arms and his breathing grows even more shallow which she knows isn’t good because his lungs were already suffering from the lack of air.

Her hand slides in his boxers but he grips her wrist before she can fully cup him.

“Clarke-” he says voice strained “You don’t have to.”

“I know” she says with a smile and loves him for thinking about it “I want to.” she promises and after staring at her eyes for a moment too long, trying to figure out if she really is okay with this, he must find his answer because he lets her go and she reaches out to grab his cock maybe a little bit too eagerly.

She pushes his boxers away and starts out fast but he rolls over on his back and pulls her up to his chest, kissing her just as eagerly as before and rubbing his nose against hers.

“Hey-” he whispers and kisses the corner of her lips “We can take it easy, you know? There’s no rush.” she blushes a little at that and looks down in shame but he quickly figures out her thoughts and picks up her chin.

“I’m sorry I just-”

“Hey, no, none of that, I love this.” he promises as her hand slowls her movements on his cock “I just...want you to know we have this time, this day...just for us, alright?” she nods and kisses him back as she continues her lazy strokes.

It’s slow after that, soft but very loving. She fastens the pace, then slows it down and they kiss, stroke each other’s cheeks, slide hands down their backs or chests, gasp and moan just simple come together until Bellamy gets to his edge and Clarke pulls him over so that he comes on her stomach-a sight that he doesn’t want to ever forget.

Then he lays back on the pillow and breathes heavily, coughing in between and trying to force himself to stop, which of course doesn’t work. Clarke quickly shifts into her medic self, moves up and pulls a pillow behind him as she tries to sneak out to the bathroom, clean herself up and bring him some water. 

Something catches his attention as she’s trying to climb over him, though, he wraps his hand around her wrist and pulls her over his chest, suddenly kissing her senseless as if just being separated by her made him lack air. 

When she pulls away it’s because she can feel his lungs struggling and his heart beating so fast out of his chest under her palm that she thought he may actually pass out.

“Hey, easy there, stallion.” he chuckles a little and she rests her forehead against it. “Can’t resist me, can you now?” he shakes his head and wraps his hand around her waist, pulling her closer.

“Stay. Don’t move.” he begs but Clarke rubs her nose against his in quiet defiance.

“I can’t... I need to clean up...and so do you.”

“I like it dirty.” he jokes and she slaps his shoulder playfully making them both chuckle as she slips out of his grip and heads to the bathroom, cleaning herself up on the sink with the cold water that she was getting used to now and drowsing a wet rag for him too. By the time she comes back he’s still sitting up like this, arm behind his neck, propping him up, same smug smile but his cheeks are an unhealthy red and his eyes are exhausted.

Still...when she pulls the blanket away and drags the wet rag down his chest, his bruised ribs, then to the hair trailing under his bellybutton and down to his crotch he winces a little both from the pain and from apparently feeling too hot for her again.

“Shit...” he hisses when her hand settles on his side.

“How bad is it?” she asks when she slides back under the thick covers and nuzzling to his side, throwin her leg over his and keeping her hand with the wet cloth over his bad ribs. 

He shakes his head, refusing to give her a real answer and instead picks up her chin, moves down to rub his nose against hers and then kiss her again as he wraps his arm around her waist and pulls them lower under the covers.

“I’ll be fine.”

“You need to stop lying. Even your son can tell by now when you do.” his eyes are closed and they both turn sideways facing each other. His hand moves to her own ribs, mirroring hers on his other side now, the cloth long forgotten, scrunching up somewhere under his strong bones hopefully not bothering him right now. “We can take it, Bell.” she whispers moving her hand up to cup his cheek. “Gus and I...we can take your pain.” that makes him grow serious all of a sudden and tighten his grip on her for a moment.

“I don’t want you to.” he says looking up finally and meeting her eyes “I won’t let it happen, Clarke.”

“Bellamy-”

“I don’t want to talk about this.” he cuts her off and closes his eyes again, his way of avoiding the conversation, shutting her out “Can we just...be here, in this moment, can we just...stay like this?” she sighs but when she looks into his eyes she determines that he truly is too tired for this now-his eyelids were drooping and his face, though still red and running with fever seemed soft in an adorable sleepy way like Gus’ often did.

She raises her hand to cup his cheeks and snuggles closer to him, feeling his arm wrap around her waist and pull her closer. She buries her nose in his chest and the last thing she remembers seeing before she dozes off is the bruises on his chest, thinking how they looked like what the clouds before a storm must’ve been like back on earth-all dark or lighter blue, angry and bearing rain that could either be salvation or damnation. And as she felt him drag his hand up and down her back eliciting goosebumbs from her, she realized she didn’t mind either option.

Chapter 35

Notes:

A/N: I'm sorry for the long wait! I know there's no excuse not to post chapters, especially when I have a few written ahead. I just have been working more on my other fic or doing projects for other fandom events! Thank you to those of you who're still reading!

Comments and kudos are much appreciated!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

She wakes up to his fingers mapping her face and the feel of his breath on her her eyes. Clarke smiles but doesn’t look up, yet lets him known she’s awake by arching her back and smiling, ticklish from his movements. 

“Hey, princess.” he whispers, voice very hoarse, scratchy.

She wondered then if he woke up first because of his own coughs or simply because he was finally well rested. Her hand has somehow ended up on his side and she feels the warm skin of his body under her touch-they’re still in their little cacoon if she had anything to judge by-there were no windows here in Factory but she thought that if she had ever been on Еarth and woke up to the strokes of the spring or summer sun reyes, this is what it’d feel like-Bellamy’s fingers against her face, his smile that she can sense even if not see right now, the warmth of his body. 

“What’s the time?” she asks as she buries her nose in his chest and rubs it left and right, making his chest rumble. 

“It’s just two in the afternoon.” he says moving his hand to her head and running his fingers down her hair now, his other one is wrapped around her waist, pulled closer to her and she could feel the light budge in his boxers, her own wetness pooling at her center but she isn’t sure if they’ll get to do anything about it and she frankly didn’t mind-this, being here in bed with him, soft and small and loved, that was all she could ever ask for and it felt strangely good and content.

Often when she was little Clarke was asked what she’d do with her life-would she be a doctor like her mom or go into science like her dad? There was never a third choice, an option just for her.

What if she wanted to be an artist? She had been so good from an early age, all her teachers praised her and supported her endeavours in the field but her mother had gotten so angry about it that she had made sure to hide away all the pencils and notebooks Wells or her dad had given her and uproot this love from her.

“This isn’t a career choice, Clarke.” she had told her as she looked from above at a sweet eight year old Clarke who had paint stains on her white shirt that had gotten Abby angry in the first place and drowned her materials in the toilet in front of her making her cry her guts out. “Do you know of any painters on the Ark? Artists?” Clarke just looked at her dumbfounded tears still streaming down her face  “Answer me when I ask you something, Clarke!”

“No, mama.”

“No, mother!” Abby corrected her, angry that she didn’t use more formal ways to address her “This doesn’t help our society in any way. You’re not a hippie from Arrow, Clarke, you are the daugther of the chief of engineering and the general surgeon in Alpha. You cannot be an artist, do you understand?”

Clarke had scrunched up her nose, looked at her angrily, bowed her hands in fists and gritted her teeth as she looked up and said in the most defiant, stubborn way she knew how to.

“Yes, mother.” then she had ran to her room, thrown herself in bed and cried her guts out, but the next weekend she forced Wells to sneak with her to Factory and traded for a few pencils that she hid in a moving board under her bed where she kept all her painting materials. 

“Hey...-” his lips touch her forehead “Where’s your head at?” he asks as if able to read her thoughts. Sometimes it felt to her as if they truly were connected in a way that they could just look at each other and know what was happening in their heads without having to speak it out loud.

“Just thinking-” she mumbles eyes still closed, refusing to face the world “Reminiscing about my childhood.”

“Hm...doesn’t sound nice to me.”

“I’m sure it was much better than yours.” she rests her cheek against his soft chest and listens to the rapid beating of his heart and the way his lungs contract and wheeze, his rapid breathing. “Are you okay?” she asks finally looking up at him finding his eyes glassy but definitely calmer, more rested. He smiles, strokes her head and leans down to kiss her.

“Perfect, princess.” she doesn’t believe him for a second, feeling his body tense every now and then, she knew that meant his back and leg hurt but he has put on his facade and refused to let her through again. 

“Did you sleep well?”

“Mhm” she says still soft and sleepy as her hand moves up and down his bruised ribs, then to his stomach, dragging her nails a little and making him jump at it.

He sucks in a breath and she feels his own fingers trail from her waist to her chest, slowly making his way up to her breasts under the thin paper shirt she’s thrown on herself after their shenanigans. 

He cups it and drags his bandaged thumb over her nipple, making her back arch simultaniously and reach out to kiss him which he takes his time for as if on purpose, wanting to let her writhe with want under him before he finally lets her touch his lips.

He’s soft and slow in one moment, then flipping her on her back in the next and crawling on top of her. He kisses her neck hard as he teases her breasts and moves down to her chest, noses her shirt aisde and slides down while she grinds against him, desperate for release and friction. He lets her dry hump his good leg while his mouth wraps around her nipple through the shirt on one side and his hand keeps squeezing and softly tugging his other breast. 

“Bellamy-” she breaths in his ear while her hand runs through his curls “Bellamy, I...I need...”

“Yes, princess?” he mumbles, moving his head up a little, face smug and mouth slightly open, drooling a little like a kid who just had just been nursed and she just can’t take the sight of him like this so beautiful, so soft and fucking hot-his curls sticking in every direction, his eyes filled with want for her, just for her. She puts her hand on his neck and pulls him in for a kiss dragging him up back to her and this time he’s the desperate one, he pushes in her center but he stops himself for some reason, knowing that they’re not exactly ready for anything further than that but sensing her desperation, so he slides his hand down and for a moment the asshole teases her a little, running his thick fingers through her pubic hair and teasing her the same way she did with her nails on his stomach before. She moans, huffs like she’s angry that he’s making her wait, which elicits a chuckle from him. 

“Impatient, princess?” he whispers in her ear and to make this worse, licks her ear lobe and bites a little into it, which is a surprise for her, makes her writhe under neat him and she’s so damn impatient, that she grabs his wrist and shoves his hand lower. 

“Bellamy, you either do this or I’ll do it myself.” she says.

“Bossy-” he says while sliding down to her neck and sucking at her pulse point as he finally, finally slides not one but two fingers into her and makes her gasp. “I like it.” she pulls his lips to hers again, drags her arms up to wrap around his neck and moves her hips to lock around his waist.

She forgets in that moment, that he’s hurt, that nothing about this is normal or okay because he was eternally fucked up because of the blast, because of him saving her life and she hears him gasp not in pleasure but pain when the heel of her foot hits right into the spot where the shrapnel had pierced his body. 

“Shit...sorry, I-” she tries to pull away but he grabs her thigh and when she looks down on him she can’t help but feel even more wetness pull into her at the sight of his big hand on her body, squeezing lightly, keeping her in place. She exhales in an almost embarrassingly hot way before looking up at him with big blown out eyes. 

“No-” he shakes his head as he starts pumping her and leans down to kiss the tip of her nose at the same time “It’s good.”

“You hurt.”

“I don’t.” he whispers but he’s already out of breath she can tell and she’s not sure if it’s because he’s struggling to keep himself together or because he hurts too much. “Please, stay.”

“Bellamy-” she tries to reason with him, can see the beads of sweat on his forehead and reaches to brush them off as he pushes harder into her and makes her yelp. “Fuck.”

“That’s what I’m trying to do, princess.” he says smugly and kisses her again, this time the corner of her mouth “Stay, I’m good.” he promises and buries his head in the crook of her neck while picking up the pace and rubbing against her clit with his thumb-his hand is so big and so damn rough that just the thought of him being there holding all of her, makes her come crashing down, waves hard and embarrassingly too damn wet. 

He doesn’t pull, not right away, instead he stares down at her and smiles as he watches her waves come down her body-she’s red, blotchy, sweaty but he still kisses her forehead, her nose, her cheeks and then her lips after which she finally has the chance to look down at herself as well and see his hand spread over her pussy.

“Damn it-” she curses throwing her head back on the pillow and smiling. “Your hands are so big.” he moves his fingers up and caresses her stomach. 

“You like that, huh?” he whispers as he finally lays back down and pulls her to his chest again. She notices him wince but he quickly hides his head away out her view and moves his hand up and down her stomach, then her soft breasts, then back down, but it’s just soft and lazy now, without any intention but to be sweet and cuddly. 

“Love it.” she admits a little sheepishly and he just hums, voice reverberating through his chest like a kitten purring a little too loudly. She almost giggles to herself at the thought and buries her face in his neck while his hand keeps moving up and down her stomach, her breasts, his index finger mapping her outline. “You okay?” she asks and looks down on him realizing that his budge had only grown and neither she nor he were doing anything about it.

Her own hand slides down and reaches for the hem of his shirt but he grabs her wrist and her head snaps up in confusion.

“No, it’s good.” he says and she opens her mouth to protest but he’s fast and just places his finger on her lips, making it all the more hard for her because she can smell herself on him “I’m good, princess.”

“But-”

“I don’t want this to be a transaction. I just want us to stay here, like this for a moment.” he whispers and she sighs, though a little grumpily, which he silences when his thumb brushes her lips and lets her taste herself and lick his fingers like a confused cute child that just enjoyed her lollipop way too much.

He smiles maybe a little too smug for his own good when he finally pulls them out but he doesn’t make fun of her, doesn’t say anything stupid or silly in his usual Bellamy way, instead he kisses her forehead and closes his eyes, dragging his hand back down to her breasts and stomach.

“What’s on your mind?” she asks in a while after his hand settles back just below her belly button. She had been stealing small kisses, peppering his neck and shoulders with her love, watching his neck and his Adam's apple bop in a way that made her embarrassingly wet again. 

“Just thinking....-” he whispers and there’s something different in his voice now, it’s tenser and she covers his hand with hers.

“What’s wrong?” she cuts to the chase, sensing his hesitation to share his thoughts. 

“Nothing, I just-” he smiles a little sheepishly and looks down at their cojoined hands “You know I was thinking how these would feel like-” he moves his fingers to her breasts and cup them softly making her gasp a little before sliding back to her side “or what this would look like if you were pregnant.” 

“Oh, Bell-” she smiles sadly and shakes her head. They both knew the laws of the Ark-a family could only have one child, no matter what. So now that Gina was dead, if Bellamy remarried to anyone, no matter which station they came from, they couldn’t have another child because he already had Gus. That’s why if widowers or widows remarried again after a lover’s death, it was usually to someone who was proven furtile by the Ark medical records. They even suggested it to the people who wanted to find another partner and already had a kid. Of course, if a husband or wife died without having produced an heir and they remaried after, they could have a baby but with Bellamy, that wasn’t the case. He had Gus and that was it for him and if she stayed with them, long term, if this turned into a serious relationship, she could never have her own child. 

“And I know it can never happen-” he says shyly “And that we’re too early into it anyway to even talk about this, it was just...a thought that passed through my head.”

“That’s okay.” she admits softly moving up to lay her head against his so she can look into his eyes carefully “I’ve thought about it too.”

“You have?” he asks surprised and watches her nod.

“Can I be honest?”

“Of course.” he promises, squeezing her wrist in his bandaged hand, wincing just a little at the force he applies, the pain that he causes himself. 

“I never did...like... I love children and I love Gus but I never pictured myself as being pregnant...if that makes sense to you?” she says almost embarrassed of herself and he gives her a curious but not judgy look “Like I love kids and I’ve always wondered how I’d ever get to maybe have one in my life and not want to...actively get pregnant, you know? I...I’ve thought before when I was still studying to be a medic and I visited the orphanage that I’d like to adopt maybe but...this was never something that I...felt that I want to go through.” she’s afraid to meet his eyes and instead opts on staring at one of the bruises on his chest and rubbing her thumb over it softly, as if wishing it to go away “I’m sorry you must think I’m weird and awful, I just-”

“Hey, no-” he interrupts her by softly picking her chin up and forcing her to look at him “I don’t think you’re weird at all, I understand.”

“I know that it’s unusual it’s just how I’ve always felt and it is not that I don’t love kids, I do, I absolutely adore them and Gus he’s...he’s amazing, I don’t want you to think that I-”

“Clarke-” he interrupts her with a smile that suggests he finds her absolutely adorable like that, all worried and cute “I understand this.” he promises as he kisses the crease between her brows “I do. I don’t judge, I get it.”

“You do?”

“Of course I do. There are women who want to get pregnant and women who don’t, some who want kids but don’t want to go through it like you and others who would love to adopt. And nothing about this is wrong in any way.” he assures “I don’t know if in Alpha maybe...maybe this was judged but you have none of that here with me...with us all, alright?”

She snuggles up close to him, wraps her arm around his back and this time she is the one to pull him closer.

“Alright.”

“I’m sorry I picked this subject and made you uncomfortable.”

“You did not! I forced you to tell me what you think.” she argues moving her head up again to meet his eyes. “And I told you...I’ve thought about it too.”

“I just worried that if you one day, not now because it’s all still so fresh and new, but if one day you wanted to have a kid, you would grow to hate me or Gus because you couldn’t.”

“Bellamy, listen to me-” she cups his cheek again and rubs her thumb under the dark circles of his beautiful brown, now filled-with-worry eyes “You and Gus... you’re all that I could ever wish for, alright? I know I’m not his mom, but I love him as a son already and that won’t change.” he looks down as if afraid to believe it but when she moves up and takes his lips in his and kisses him in a way that she tries to make sure she can translate all her feelings into him and make him understand, she feels him relax under her soft touch and when they pull away he smiles.

“Damn, princess.”

“What?”she asks a little confused at this and he just chuckles, all happy and lightly and just full of joy and if she could, she’d want to hear that every day because it’s so unbelievable that he can actually be...feel happy, it makes her heart clench with love for him.

“He loves you too, you know?” he says so easily as if it was the most logical thing in the world “He’s told me so.” 

“He has?” Bellamy nods still smiling and keeps stroking her head and cupping her cheeks like he can’t get enough of her. 

“You are our little spring, Clarke.” he mumbles softly, gently almost as if he’s afraid of speaking those words out loud but they make Clarke’s heart jump and stare at him all silly and stupid and god she’s so damn in love it would’ve been embarrassing if she cared. But she doesn’t. “You bring us light and warmth and love and we the Blake boys we just...bloom around you.”

“You do, huh?”

“We damn right do, princess.” he pulls her closer and just keeps her there for what feels like forever but couldn’t have been more than ten minutes in which she melted entirely in his embrace and almost started purring like a soft spoilled cat, constantly rubbing her nose against his chest and dragging her fingers up and down his bruised body until he coughs a little and she wants to move up, scold him, maybe get him some more tea but he just shakes his head, kisses her forehead and says he’ll take a quick shower. 

And it really is quick because he comes out five minutes later and tells her if she wants to she can hop in too, he saved warm water for her and filled in some water bottles that he kept pressed to the hot pipes they had running only there. The room was better now, much warmer than it had been before but still Clarke had trembled when she took the shower , actually cleaning herself up this time, not like before they felt asleep after their first round of shenenigans, realizing that what Bellamy meant by hot water was lukewarm one, so she comes out jumping on her feet and embarrassingly ouching with every step which makes him laugh.

He limps worse than before if that’s even possible but he still comes from behind her and wraps his arms around her torso, trying to warm her up, not caring if he wetted his t-shirt a little. 

“Your spring just had a snowstorm that killed all her blossoms prematurely.” she jokes and he chuckles running his hands up and down her arms and kissing her cheek.

“Hurry up and dress then.” he instructs her “I’ve warmed some coffee for you. We should head out soon before mom brings Gus over if we want to take that walk.” she nods and modestly turns around to dress herself with a fresh pair of his sweatpants and yet another one of his three sweaters. By now they were rotating clothes-whatever was clean on they switched to each other since she still had nothing but that dress and shirt Aurora gave her yesterday that were already dirty from all the fun they had at the birthday celebration.

This was good, though, she kind of liked wearing his clothes, smelling him in and carrying him around with her even when he wasn’t home-it gave her a sense of security with things being so awfully anxious and stressful lately.

She’s about to turn around and ask him if he’ll wear his work clothes again-for lack of cleaner one he often did that plus it helped them blend in if they had to go out-just another worker coming back home to his compartment with his wife (the thought made her blush) when she realizes that he’s heavily limping to the metal dresser they had that contained all of his and Gus’ clothes.

“Bellamy!” she rushes to him and grabs him by the elbow, helping him steady himself but he just gives her a quizzical look like he had no idea why on earth she was even doing this. 

“What?”

“Where’s your crutch?” he actually dares to look around confused as if he had absolutely no clue what she meant but Clarke’s faster and she spots it in the corner by the bathroom door where he must’ve left it before he went in to shower. “And why aren’t you wearing your brace?”

“I thought you said my leg can use the rest from it?”

“That’s a BS excuse and you know it, lean here and don’t move.” she instructs him as she helps him get to the drawer and guides his hand on it while she runs to grab the crutch and swiftly comes back, shoving it under his arm on his bad side. 

“Clarke-”

“We won’t be going out unless you use this, Bellamy!” she cuts him off and he manages to actually roll his eyes in annoyance and huff out an angry sigh. “What was that?”

“Nothing....nothing.”

“Let me help you get dressed.” she takes out a clean shirt and his blue jumpsuit as it was the only thing he actually had left in there and helps him get to the metal chair by the table. Even that small effort leaves him breathing heavily and coughing again like before and she wonders how good of an idea it is for them to actually go out on a walk. When she voices her concern while taking some of the ointment Jackson had prescribed all those weeks ago for his knee and rubs it in his swollen flesh gently, he argues with it.

“No...I need to move. I hate being cooped up.” he insists “Plus, I want to take you somewhere.”

“Oh yeah? Romantic walk under the stars, huh, Blake?”

“Something like this....” when she applies more pressure on his leg he jumps and reaches to cover her hand over with his “Ouch! Shit, princess, what are you doing?” he curses.

“You’re stiff, I have to release some of the tension.” she explains and swats his hand away as if annoyed by his stupid efforts to prevent her from helping him which she truly was. “Rest your back and stretch your leg I need to massage it for a moment.”

“We don’t have the time for this.”

“We’ll make time. You won’t be putting yourself back in favor of solving everyone elses’ problems anymore,Bellamy.” she insists as she moves her hand up and down his swollen knee “I won’t let it.”

“Clarke-”

“I said I won’t let it.” he groans and rolls his eyes but actually relaxes in the chair as she does her work, massages his leg up and down’t, goes all the way to his red blistered foot and his cold toes that actually make worry-it’s true that it was cold out here but his blood circulation must be bad if they were freezing to the touch. She doesn’t voice those concerns to him though, instead asks where his socks are and he just shrugs.

“Don’t have any.”

“What?” 

“They’re all dirty and I haven’t had the time to wash them yet. It’s fine just...get me my boots.” he asks of her and she stands up, hands on her hips, eyes blazing with anger.

“There’s no way you’re going out in the fucking freezing Factory station hallways without any socks Bellamy.” she looks down at her own feet and reaches out “I’ll give you mine.”

“No!” he reaches out and grabs her wrist before she can pull them off “You’re not taking yours off.”

“Why not? They aren’t mine to begin with and I won’t let this-”

“Clarke, will you listen for a moment, please!” he begs pulling her closer and forcing her to look into his eyes.

She stops suddenly, bending over in a bit of an uncomfortable position but not daring to move up, too mesmerized by the soft look in his eyes anyway “Go back to the cupboard, there are these pieces of cloth that I use for when I don’t have clean socks.” he whispers and she opens her mouth to argue again “It’s the best we can do now! It works, okay? I use them every other day...just...just help me wrap them up and put my boots on, alright?” she sighs and bows her head down angry once again at the entire fucking situation but realizing that she won’t change his mind, he won’t agree to her taking her or more like HIS socks off and giving them back to him so she just goes to the cupboard, fishes the pieces of thicker cloth and comes back. Under his instructions on how to do this (he shows her on his healthy leg which takes most of his breath out), she wraps his bad one and then puts his boots, that were busting at the seams and had old worn out soles, on.

The entire ordeal leaves him embarrassed and they’re quiet for a long moment before she helps him put his jacket on and leave the appartment.

He seems angry for a while though and he struggles to walk, even with the crutch on. She walks by him a little confused and it’s more than awkward until he finally stops again, takes a deep breath, shakes his head and looks up at her with a soft smile.

He reaches for her hand and squeezes her fingers between his on his good side.

She smiles back and they don’t need to say anything to each other really, they’re here, it sucks, all of it sucks but they were together and they appreciated it. They walk hand in hand down the hallway before he guides her to take a turn to the right. Despite her time spent here at the medcenter she never truly got to know Factory-it was one of the biggest stations with so many hallways and compartments that she often got confused to even make it to the border before curfew without getting lost, so she was grateful that she had him by her side right now. 

He stops often and the more they walk, the worse his cough gets, but it’s still, she believes, not as bad as it was this morning or so she likes to believe. It shatters him and leaves him absolutely weak and wobbly, the pain in his back and leg adding to his general state and making her scoot closer to him and hold his good hand tight, allow him to lean on her whenever he needed. 

How he’d go back to work tomorrow, she had absolutely no idea.

“So where do you wanna go, princess?” he asks when they reach another intersection “Right is the black market place and left is the starboard window bay with the playground nearby where I took you all those moons ago after you first met me and Gus.”

“Hm...I wanna see the market first.” she admits “but I know we have no rations to spend so if you think-”

“That’s okay, we can just look around, dream shop for a bit.”

“Dream shop?”

“Used to do it when I was a kid-I’d look at every booth, every seller, ran up and down the entire mess hall, marking things up in my head that I one day would buy or figure out ways to bargain with them when I had the chance.” he explains as he leans down to kiss her forehead “You up for it? It’s quieter on Sunday, all the big fish are gone back to their stations, it’s mostly Arrow and Factory folks lingering by. Sometimes they even give stuff away.”

“Really?” he nods and she squeezes his hand in return and moves up to peck the corner of his sharp jawline “Okay, first the market, then the window bay if you feel like it.”

“I’m okay.” he lies running his hand up and down her forearm and nodding at the right hallway leading them in the old mess hall space. 

The place definitely isn’t as busy, loud and blooming as Clarke remembers it on the Saturdays from her childhood or from that day when she bought Gus the paint brushes and sketchbook. It’s much smaller now, less tables and boots, less people, but there was a soft chatter to it all-it was peaceful and calming. She was surprised to see that there were many couples much like them walking around looking at things, few of them actually buying anything but talking to the merchants and exchanging pleasantries non the less. Some were eating what seemed like a red sweet treat similar to a lollipop and others were sharing some pop corns coming from a cardboard box. 

“Is it Valentines day or something?” she asks when they stop by a boot full of old clothes on cheaper prices. She eyes the socks but they’re ten ration points and she has absolutely none. 

“What’s that?” Bellamy asks confused and she eyes him curiously.

“You know the romantic holiday where couples celebrate and give each other presents?” he stops giving her a dumbfounded look “You don’t have it here?”

“Never heard of it, princess.” he says still a little confused “Factory doesn’t have that much time to constantly celebrate. If we do, then it means we can have the day off and Alpha doesn’t really like that too much, so we only have Wheat day as a big celebration for our three stations, Factory most of all.”

She hums thinking over his words before they come down another booth this time with food threats of sorts both salty and sweet stuff, none of which Clarke has ever tried out. 

The seller is an older lady who obviously knows Bellamy because she addresses him by name. It seems as if she’s a little blind and deaf judging by the fact that she talked very loudly and Bellamy had to repeat a few times his questions about her well-being, which she brushed off with a wave of her hand. Still, she eyes Clarke from head to toe curiously and upon determining Bellamy got himself a bride from another station, she starts handing her things over to try out-candies that taste really salty instead of sweet, something that looks like bread and a fish paste on top that tasted nothing like fish and finally she hands her a red lollipop like the one Clarke first saw when they entered here and that was made of something soft, sugary and very damn tasty, making her moan and eliciting a laugh from Bellamy and the older woman. 

“I don’t have anything to pay you with.” Bellamy says but he still reaches out for something in his inner pocket and Clarke’s surprised when he takes out a few buttons of different sizes “I know Janae sews clothes on the side for the Alpha residents, maybe those can help her-” he hands them over and the lady who’s name Clarke never caught shakes her hand and gently closes Bellamy’s bandaged fingers around his precious possessions.

“We’re good, Bellamy.” she insists “I help you out today and maybe...your friend can help us out some time when we need it.” Bellamy tenses under Clarke’s grip and she sees his face pale a little “We heard she knows how to heal stuff.” the woman turns to Clarke and eyes her curiously with her misty eyes.

“I do.” Clarke confirms and Bellamy tightens his fingers around hers “If you ever need anything, you can come find me at Bellamy’s place.” the woman nods and grabs her last box of pop corns she had left, shoving it in Clarke’s hands. 

“Clarke-” Bellamy warns but the woman is already shooshing them away and Clarke tries to tell her there’s no need and that they’re fine but Bellamy decides to tug her away and he suddenly pushes himself to walk faster but it only results in him suddenly stopping and swaying on his side.

“Bellamy! Shit! Stop it! What are you doing?” she curses when she wraps his arm around her shoulders and helps him support the weight on his good side “Why are you pushing yourself?” he coughs a little, bows his head down and struggles to breathe while she tries to balance him and the box of popcorn and sweet stuff the lady gave them. 

“Sorry...I just...-” he looks up at her “If word’s gotten out that you’re a healer it can be dangerous.”

“Why?”

“Why? Are you kidding me, Clarke! You were almost floated barely a week ago! You’re forbidden from practicing medicine. You can’t go around fixing Factory people and hope someone won’t find out. It’s dangerous.” he says a little angrily and she spots a small bench nearby where she guides them until they’re both sitting down.

“Bellamy, it’s fine. I doubt someone would come looking for me and if they did, patching up a few scratches is not doing an open-heart surgery.” he shakes his head as he struggles to put air in and another bout of coughs interrupts them, focring Clarke to push him to her chest and strokes his back up and down trying to calm him. “Hey, it’s okay, please just...try to breathe, alright?” she holds his face in her hands and realizes that part of this was him being so scared for her life that it send him into full blow panic mode and not just his lungs being bad. “We’ll think about it when we get to it, okay?”

“I won’t risk your life, Clarke.” he insists slowly calming himself down “I won’t. No matter who’s dying.” she furrows her eyebrows at that and squeezes his wrists.

“Bellamy, you do realize that no matter what I am still a doctor and as such I took an oath to help people.” he clenches his jaw at that, anger flashing through his eyes “Just because Jaha forbids me to do it, doesn’t mean I can abandon my duties and just choose not to help someone if they need it.”

“Clarke-”

“You’re not being fair!” she cuts him off and he pulls back from her “It’s okay when you go out and risk your life for Gus and me every day, working though you should be home resting, fixing some goddamn vents and doing god knows what that you won’t ever share with me or your mother-”

“It’s not the same!”

“It absolutely is! And you didn’t let me finish-”

“Clarke-”

“No, Bellamy-if someone comes to me for help I’ll help them!”

“Do you want to die?” he barks back angrily attracting the attention of a few passers by “Because that’s what will happen if you defy the Ark. Just ask Jackson!”

“Tell me you didn’t just say that!” she shakes her head angrily “Tell me you didn’t throw this in my face, Bellamy.” her eyes fill with tears that spill down her cheeks before she can stop them and he deflates a little ashamed of himself for saying this out loud. He went too far and he realized it. 

“I’m sorry, Clarke, I didn’t mean to-” he reaches for her hand and holds it tightly “I...this was awful, I wasn’t right, I’m sorry. I know that what happened with Jackson wasn’t your or his fault, it was the Ark.” she relaxes against the bench and tries to control her own breathing. 

He reaches for her cheeks and pulls her head closer.

“I’m just so scared.” he admits softly “I’m so scared of losing you.”

“You won’t.” she says looking at him with sad blue eyes-sadness that he elicited in her, that he provoked with his stupid idiot behavior. And still he can’t stop himself from adding.

“You can’t promise that.” he whispers “Clarke if you start helping people...you’ll put yourself at risk.”

“You mean the same risk that you put yourself through every day?” he grunts and pulls away from her “Do you know what it is like for me and Gus to watch you leave that door, hobbliing, barely breathing and wondering if you will make it back in the evening? It’s not enough that Factory conditions suck, but you constantly getting hurt doesn’t help things either.” he knows that she has a point  because he shifts away and puts his arms over his tights, bowing his head down to his shaking bandaged hands. “Do you, Bellamy?”

“I don’t.” he whispers back “But if you think this is any easier on me than it is on you, you’re wrong. I too am afraid, Clarke.” he says and looks up “I too wonder every morning when I hug and kiss you goodbye if I’ll get to see you in the evening. This isn’t a one way street. Every time I go down the hallway from home to work I say goodbye.” he admits eyes fill with tears now too “And it’s the hardest thing I have to do every day-not walking with the pain in my back, not the coughs that shatter me whole but this. You and him and the fact I may not get to hold you in my arms and kiss you and tell you how much I love you and wonder....I goddamn wonder every day if I said it enough, if I go out there and do die...if you’ll know.” he blurts out a little angrily but it comes out weak and vulnerable and so broken.

“Oh, Bellamy!” she reaches for his hands and holds them tight “Of course we know.” he shakes his head and moves up, closing on himself a little and trying to bring back his strong composture.

“I don’t want that for you.” he says after clearing his throat and brushing away his tears with the back of his hand though she was trying to reach out and do it for him but he was faster, twisted his head away from her grip and did it himself. 

“Neither do I, but Bellamy...I won’t stop helping people, so if someone needs me, I will go and there’s nothing you or anyone else can do to stop me.” he sighs and leans back on the bench now, stretching out his bad leg and squeezing the edge of the bench in anger and frustration. 

“I don’t agree with it.” he finally says making her grunt in annoyance.

“That’s too bad.” she crosses her arms over her chest and decides that for now the subject is dropped since he doesn’t say anything else after, doesn’t fight her but clearly isn’t fine with that turn of events either. “Come on, those are getting cold and I think they’re the best pop corns I’ve ever tried.” she nudges the box between them and he lets the cloud covering his face lift up above his head a little-though still grumpy he starts eating alongside her which showed her he was hungry and rememebred only now that he never got anything to eat today at all.

Chapter 36

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all so much for reading this story! I know that I'm slow to update. That is because I'm very anxious when it comes to posting this story as I've explained on Tumblr asks a couple of times by now. I will write for it and I want to finish it but lately when I think about it, I feel a bit anxious and that's why I'm writing more for my other fic, which I know is not as interesting as this one but it helps me deal with my mental health stuff.Anyway, I hope you'll enjoy this one!

Coments and kudos are much appreciated!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

P.S I've changed the rating to Explicit as suggested after the last more steamy chapter!

They change the subject after that, she asks him about Wheat day and the mess halls and he responds, though there’s still tension lingering in the air and they can both feel it-it’s not like they’ve never fought before, especially about their own safety and maybe Clarke pushed a little too hard, made a big deal out of nothing or maybe he was feeling for her so hard, that he was scared of his mind at the potential threat she could be in but she knew they’d be okay-they just had to talk about it when they were calmer and maybe at home.

They keep walking and she senses that he grows more tired and in pain the more they do, judging by the way he leans harder on his leg but she knows better than to say anything certain that he’ll just shake his head, cut her off and say he’s fine, so the best she can do now is help support him and make sure they stop and take a breath every time the pain gets worse.

They circle around the mess hall spotting a few things that they like, talking over them, letting some of the anger from theirfight disappitate and by the time they make it back to the main hallway and take the other turn to the star board window bay, they’re both feeling a little lighter though when she looks at him he’s still grumpy, his grey cloud raining over his head expressed in small huffs, angry fist clenches and his body being so stiff she swore if someone accidentally crashed in him, they may actually fall over.

Stupid idiot, Clarke thought but as she watched him approach the window bay and the way his face fell at the sight of it, his hand slowly, carefully reaching to touch the window, something in her softened.

He may be an idiot but he was her idiot. Even when he was irrational and unfair about certain things.

She’s let go of his hand when they were taking the turn because he needed to lean on the wall and gather his breath and he must’ve noticed that she was a little dizzy as well, despite having eaten sweet and salty stuff that should’ve kept her on her feet and stronger for a much longer time. Factory conditions really weren’t working in her favor and no matter how strong she tried to be and brush it all over, she couldn’t help her headaches or the way her vision blurred from malnourishment. 

His face grows sad, solemn as he drags his hand over the glass and stares at the stars outside-back at home, in Alpha, she could see them every night because she had her own window and as a little girl she’d stare fascinated until she literally pass out and fell asleep but with time it became a regular occurance to her and she started ignoring it because it scared her-the vastness of space, the coldness of stars-it wasn’t something poetic, it was just another environment that could kill you and that the Ark used to execute people with.

But now that she hadn’t seen it in weeks, she feels drawn to it and with Bellamy there, so sad and suddenly looking small to her, she just wants to be close to him so she carefully approaches him and when he sees her, he smiles open his arm to her and nods at his chest, suggesting she nuzzles in.

She does and they stare at the sky for a while.

“You love it here, don’t you?” she asks after a while and he nods “Is this the place where you took Gus and let him ask questions about Gina?”

“Yeah...one of them. There are a few other starboard bays down the other hallways. Sometimes I switched it up so after we had our moment, I could show him different constellations and distract him.” when he says this she has the urge to kiss him and she pulls his head to her and joins their lips-this was her Bellamy, the father who’d go out of his way for his child. And now for her too.

“What was that for?” he asks smirking a little when they pull away. She reaches up to tuck his curls away and moves closer to kiss his nose. 

“I just felt like it.”

“Can’t resists my hotness, can you now, princess?” she huffs, slaps his chest and he ouches in pretense hurt but then pulls her close again and stares ahead at the vast space once more lost in thought.

“What is it?” she asks after a beat and he shrugs a little.

“Used to come here when Gina was still pregnant with Gus.” he says “I couldn’t sleep then, would wake up in the middle of the night and walk around the appartment worrying over every little thing-providing food, a crib, clothes, formula if he needed it and Gina wouldn’t be able to rest because of me either so I started going out and walking the hallways until one night I came here.”

“It gave you peace?” she asked and he shrugs again.

“Yeah...in a way, I guess. I’d often think that compared to this-” he waves at the space outside “I’m just...nothing.”

“That’s not true.” she fights him feverntly and he chuckles at her scrunched up nose and the creases on her forehead, leaning down and kissing them away, brushing them with his rough thumb. 

“You know you’re so cute when you’re angry, princess?”

“Don’t change the subject.”

“I’m not...it’s just it’s true. We’re all so little compared to the universe.” he whispers, his breath fanning her face, her hand is placed over his heart, his bruised chest, she can feel his lungs struggling again and thinks how they should just go home now.

“Maybe, but not insignificant.”

“Not all of us, yes.” he kisses her forehead again, not able to help himself “You aren’t.”

“Neither are you!” she insists hating that he’s thinking like that, as if he doesn’t matter at all, as if in the grand scheme of things he isn’t important because he was-he was a father, a son, a great worker and he loved so strong and so passionately that the force of it alone sometimes knocked her on her feet and left her breathless. “Bellamy-”

Just when she’s about to argue with him they hear a high pitched squeak coming from behind and someone’s fast little pats running to them.

“Dada, dada, dada!!!!!! Clarke!” they turn around and find Gus rushing to them, all happy and excited, cheeks flushed, hair messy with his grandma coming from behind them exiting the hallway that led to the playground. 

Bellamy immideately turns around and kneels down, picking his boy up in his arms, despite his pain and bruised chest, forcing himself to stay strong even though he still staggers a little. Gus wraps his arms around his father as if he hadn’t seen him in months and holds him tight. 

“Hey, my big boy!” Bellamy whispers, face relaxing into his son, lips kissing his head. 

“I’m sorry, I was just about to bring him back home when he saw you.” Aurora explains coming closer to them and eyeing them carefully, still smiling in the same knowing way as this morning, making Clarke blush under her soft brown eyes that were a shade lighter than Bellamy’s. “I thought you’d be back by now.”

“We slept in an only left an hour ago.” Bellamy explains when Gus pulls away and gives him the chance to speak. He’s still out of breath and excited, jumpy and joyfull. “You went outside?”

“It was his reward for finishing his homework and learning his rhyme this morning.” she praised her grandson and he smiled brightly. “He also ate his bowl of algae.”

“You mean your ration?”

“Bellamy-” Aurpra shakes her head and he sighs under her stern look so instead he turns to Gus and smiles softly.

“I’m so proud of you, son!” he strokes his face and kisses his forehad, making him squirm “You did so well today.”

“Thanks, dada.” he beams at his dad’s praise and reaches out for Clarke suddenly desperate to be held by her too “I’ve missed you.”

“We missed you too, sweet boy.” Clarke assures kissing his cheeks as well and making him giggle as she holds him tight.

“Aw, Clarke you break Gus ribs.”

“Sorry, Gus.” she apologizes and lets him drop back to his feet “Are you ready to go home?”

“Yeah, yeah!” he claps his hands in excitement “Gus drew you a picture! Right grandma? I drew a nice picture fow Clarke.”

“You did, she’ll love it.” Aurora assures and passes by his little bag to Bellamy who throws it over his good shoulder and nods gratefully.

“Thank you for today, mom.” 

“It’s nothing, I love having him, you know this.” she assures and cups his cheeks, worry peppering her features all over again “Are you alright? Did you guys get rest?”

“We’re good, I feel much better.” he lies and she can see it because she sighs and shakes her head, then glances at Clarke who’s kneeling down, fixing Gus’ shoelaces and zipping his jacket. 

“You got something to eat back at home?” Aurora asks next not missing the way that her son was looking at his princess, his face practically bursting with joy, lips curled in a gentle smile, eyes full of adoration-he was in love, that much was clear, she only hoped they got over each other and finally did something about it. 

“We’ll be fine.” he waves her concerns off but she reaches for his fingers and squeezes them tightly.

“I put a bean can in Gus’ bag as well as some bread and cheese.”

“Mom-”

“No, Bellamy, you’re taking it!” she insists “I know you have no points now, you need this.”

“Where did you even get it from?”

“I had a few dresses to make for Farm and Arrow.” she explains “They usually pay me in food, not ration points.” he sighs and opens his mouth to argue with her again but she squeezes his hand firmly and shakes her head. “You’re taking them, Bellamy. It’s bad enough you’re worse for whatever reason you won’t tell me but I can see Clarke’s shaking and swaying on her feet a lot.”

“Okay...” he finally relents “Thank you, mom.” she moves up to kiss his cheek like he did to Gus a moment ago and after a few minutes of catching up, she leaves, squeezing Clarke’s arm and hugging Gus goodbye, telling him he’s the best grandson ever.

On the way home, Gus is chippery and thankfully energetic enough to walk on his own-somehow he still had strength even after the exhaustion from his birthday and watching him skip before them and flail his hands as he explained how he jumped from the swing, higher than Darcy who apparently had been there as well.

“Gus, what have we talked about that-” Bellamy says suddenly stopping just a turn away from their appartment hallway. Thankfully on the way home there were absolutely no guards in sight, the only ones they had spotted that made Clarke tense and Bellamy hold her hand tighter and push Gus closer to them, were in the big square but they were distracted and definitely less than what their numbers would be on an usual week day. “You shouldn’t jump off the swings.” Gus’ lips turn in a little pout and he suddenly stops before them, hands on his bag’s strips, face a little worried, hair a total muzzled mess.

“I know, dada, I just...it was fun.”

“Yes, but you can get seriously hurt.”

“Grandma said you used to jump from the swings too.” Gus says next making Clarke smile and throw Bellamy a look as he suddenly stops, face betrayed, eyes wide.

“Did grandma also tell you that I broke my hand doing so?”

“She might’ve mentioned it.” Gus mumbles sad that his dad had found proof that he shouldn’t be defying his orders. “She said she was very scared when you hurt yourself.”

“And do you want dad to be scared too for you?” Gus shakes his head and runs to him, throwing his arms around his legs and squeezing tightly “Sorry, dada. I won’t do it anymore.” Bellamy runs his hand through his curls and when his boy looks up eyes wide and sad he boops his nose with his index finger.

“You being hurt is the worst thing that can happen to me, Gus.” he says seriously “I know I scold a lot but it’s because I care.”

“I know, dada. Gus cares too. Sometimes he just forgets.”

“You want to have fun and I get it but you need to be careful with yourself, alright?” Gus nods again and looks at both him and Clarke before he whispers.

“Sorry, dada. Sorry, Clarke.” Clarke’s eyes shoot up at Bellamy in surprise that she’s been included in this and he feels his heart warm a little at the sight of her like this but he nods in reassurance and she clears her throat, joining in their conversation-she said she’s part of their lives, that she loved Gus and him, that they were her family-tough decisions and making sure Gus knew right from wrong were also that.

“That’s okay, Gus, but your dad’s right, we just worry about you.” Clarke intervenes under Bellamy’s approving look as she gently nudges Gus down the hallway to their appartment and the boy looks up at her with bright eyes and his finger shoved in his mouth which Clarke carefully tucks away. “We need to trust you when you’re not with us, okay? This is what we mean.” Gus nods still shyly and she ruffles his hair “And what have we said about munching on your hands when they’re not clean, huh?”

“Oops!” he pulls it away and hides it behind his back “That we shouldn’t do it because there’s much bacteria I can put in my mouth and get sick.”

“Smart boy!” Clarke praises him and Bellamy smiles at them though she notices that he now winces with every step that he takes forward, despite using the crutch to lean his weight onto. 

When they get to the door, he fumbles with the keys so she grabs them from him and unlocks it herself, letting them all in and staring at Bellamy’s neck with both worry and anger.

“We’re home!!!!” Gus exclaims and takes off his bag, letting it fall on the floor, rushing to the toys on the cot and forgetting to take off his jacket and shoes. 

“Gus, come here, take your clothes off.” Bellamy reminds, not scolding him but softer now because he knows the kid didn’t mean to truly do this, he’s just excited to be back with them.

“Sowwy, dada, Gus do it right now!” he apologizes running back to fix his bag and sitting down on the floor, struggling to take off his shoes. Bellamy smiles at him and leans down to wrap an arm around his middle, scooting him up and carrying him to the table.

Gus yelps in joy that he’s being carried by his dad and kicks his feet in the air.

“Come here, little monkey!” his strength was mostly in his arms now and even if his leg was buckling under him, he still managed to put Gus on the table and fall on the chair with a thud himself, leaning the crutch besides him. “Let’s take this off now.” he starts undoing his ties and carefully slipping off his shoes while Clarke shuffles behind him, seemingly still a little angry both from their conversation and the fact that he was carrying Gus around, something he was sure pissed her off judging by the sidelook she gave him twice already. 

“You use the crutch dada!” Gus exclaims as he swang his feet off the table and helped his dad take off his jacket. “You listened to doctor Clarke.”

“Not too willingly.” Clarke comments behind him making Bellamy roll his eyes.

“Yes, son, I did. We should all listen to what she has to say about our health, right?”

“Rait, dada.” Gus seems still as enthusiastic and somewhat relieved by the fact that his dad wasn’t being stubborn and pullig up fights like he usually did but was actually following the doctor’s orders “Do you want to hear me recite my poem?”

“Absolutely, little man.” Bellamy promises as he cupped his cheek gently “Clarke, can you hand me his extra pair of socks, please?’ he asks throwing his head back to find her making tea on the stove, probably to warm him and ease his cough. 

“And then we can play doctors, rait?” Gus asks as Bellamy puts the pair Clarke just handed him-there was something so sweet and domestic about them like this-working in synch with Gus’ sweet childish blabber and them moving around their place and helping each other out. 

“Yes, we will.” Bellamy promises, mouthing a 'Thank you' at Clarke who squeezes his shoulder in return, yet he can still sense some of the tension from before lingering by and it makes him sigh and bow his head down a little just as she moves back to the stove.

And in that moment, all of a sudden, the electricity gets cut off and the light above their door turns in a bright yellow, blinking in a rhytmic on and off way as the voice of concilman Harrison blasts through the speakers. 

“CITIZENTS OF FACTORY STATION, WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY SITUATION GOING ON NOW. ALL ELECTRICITY HAS BEEN SHUT OFF DUE TO A MALFUNCTION IN ONE OF OUR ENGINEERING LEVELS. PLEASE REMAIN CALM AND GET AS WARM AS YOU CAN WHILE WE WORK THE PROBLEM!”

“Shit!” Bellamy curses suddenly standing up, the sharp movement making a shot of strong pain coarse from his back all the way down to his toes, sending him buckling over and gripping the table to steady himself “Clarke!” he yells, looking for her at the darkness.

“Dada!”

“Shhh, Gus, it’s okay.” he reaches over and scoots him up in his arms, his baby boy wrapping himself all over and whimpering in fear.

“Bellamy, what’s happening?” the only source of light is the damn syren still blasting yellow and going dark, then yellow again as it rotated from above the door. He turns around and finds her flailing around, trying to get to him and he reaches, much more used to the darkness than her, and grabs her forearm.

“It’s a freezeover!” Gus exclaims scared, on the verge of crying.

“Clarke, we need to grab the matress all our pillows and blankets and take them to the bathroom!” Bellamy explains as he pulls her closer and looks into her eyes, her face illuminated by the lamp every two seconds, finding her scared and panicked expression, eyes wide, staring at him in confusion, her hands trembling a little. “Right now!”

“What? Why?”

“There’s been an accident, probably on level 3 or 4. If they cut us off like this, so out of nowhere and with Harrison blasting through the radio then it’s serious and they won’t turn it on until tomorrow, maybe not even tomorrow night.”

“No, no, but...what will-”

“The bathroom, now! The warm water pipes there will keep you and Gus safe, I put hot water bottles earlier there too and we have the electric blanket as well, it’s on batteries so it should be enough-” he explains trying to let his words sink in “Please, Clarke, we don’t have time, we need to do this!”

“Okay, alright.” she quickly snaps out of it “Take the matress, get the covers, right?”

“Yes, I’ll help, come on.”

“Dada!” Gus trembles in his arms “I’m scared.”

“Don’t be, we’ll be okay, baby boy, dad’s got it covered.” Bellamy promises as they move to the bed and start taking off all the blankets and pillows in a hurry. “First turn the lamp on so we can see, push it to the door.” he instructs pointing at the lamp they used at night when the electricity was off and that worked on batteries that thankfully Clarke remembers Bellamy changing last week. 

She turns it on and suddenly feels a little bit better with it there, though the syren keeps blasting through the radio together with the councilman’s message and the lamp flashing through eliciting fear and panic in her and Gus. Out of the three of them, Bellamy seemed the most calm and rationally thinking though fear still pained his face as he pulled off the matress and started tugging it to the bathroom with one hand wrapped around Gus, his knee buckling under.

“Stop! Let me help!” she scolds him leaning down and picking up the other side of the matress with one hand while holding up a bunch of blankets in the other.

“Dada!”

“Shhh, I’m here.”

“You won’t go, will you?” Gus asks pulling away and staring at his dad with fear, making Clarke furrow her eyebrows.

“Go where?” Clarke asks once they make it in the bathroom and push the matress to the pipes on the other side of the shower and the sink. Bellamy shoots her a look, shaking his head and instead starts reaching for the sheets and blankets, trying to fix them on top. “Bellamy, what does he mean?” she insists when she kneels down to help him.

“We have to hurry!” he says instead, cradling Gus closer to his chest “Once the light turns orange, then we have ten more minutes until it goes red and after that it’s done.”

“Done with what?”

“Any reminisce of warmth coming from anywhere, including the sink.” he blurts out worriedly “We need to fill more bottles, make some formula for Gus if he gets hungry, come on.” he explains and Clarke nods, rushing in to the kitchen, overhearing the kid’s scary whine “Gus, you sit here while Clarke and I fix everything.”

“No, dada-” he wraps tighter around him “No!”

“It’ll be okay, I need you to be brave now, so we can do this, alright?” he grabs his tiny shoulders after pushing him on the matress and gives him a serious look “I know it’s scary, but if we want things to be alright, Clarke and I have to prepare. Can you please stay here and wait?” Gus’ eyes fill with tears but he nods and Bellamy grabs one of the spare blankets, tossing it over his shoulders deciding that this’ll have to work for now before standing up again when Gus’ hand shoots for his fingers and wrap tight around him. He forces himself not to wince from the pain of his burns.

“Dada, can I have my toys? Can I get Wainbow?”

“I’ll bring him in a second, buddy.” Clarke who’s carrying another batch of clothes and blankets, comes in and puts them on the edge of the matress before leaning down and stroking his cheek in reassurance “Just a second, okay?”

“Awkay.” Clarke nods at Bellamy and they both stand together and go back to the living room where the radio’s still blasting, yet something different now, that Clarke doesn’t pay attention to because she’s too panicked to listen to councilman Harrison’s stupid messages.

“Get extra socks as well as his hat and the lamp I gave him...he’ll need to be able to calm down, though I guess at some point he’ll fall asleep.” Bellamy instructs while filling the bottles of formula with hot water, closinng them and shaking them hard. Judging by the steam that came out of the sink, the water was still warm but she knew at some point at night that’ll change.

“What did he mean when he asked you not to leave?” she asks after going in the bathroom with Rainbow, leaving Gus to hug him tightly under the pile of blankets and coming back out.

Bellamy suddenly stops, head tilted upright, eyes a little blown out, listening to the radio station and she feels annoyed that he won’t tell her what Gus was talking about so she reaches out and grabs his wrist, squeezing it gently, trying to bring him back to her.

“Bellamy-” he snaps out of it but if anything his eyes only fill with more fear and he puts his hands on her arms instead, forcing her to look at him “What’s happening?” she hates that she sounds so small, that she’s not keeping herself together the way that he was. She was a goddamn doctor, she performed surgeries, she saved lives and now she was panicking worse than the four year old in the other room.

“They’re calling me in.” he says, turning his head up to the radio again.

“What? What are you talking about?”

“When a malfucntion like this happens, all Factory personnel is called in to try and fix it before we all freeze to death.” 

“I-”

“Listen-” he picks his index finger out to bring her attention, putting it for just a second on her lips and she did...she listened now.

“Workers number 257, 168, 129, 87 and 65 report outside in five minutes you’ll be escorted by guards to Level 3 and 4.” the voice that was not councilmen Harrison but someone else’s still belonging to a man blasted through “I repeat Wrokers number 257, 168, 129, 87 and 65 from Factory station deck 19 PLEASE REPORT OUTSIDE IN FIVE MINUTES!” Clarke’s eyes fall to the left sleeve of Bellamy’s jacket where she knew she’d find one of the numbers called. 129, that was his, she’s seen the patch a hundred times so far, knew it, recognized it, had no idea what it meant until now “THOSE ARE AS FOLLOW JONES, RAMIREZ, BLAKE, KELLAN and TESLA.” the voice kept on confirming her fears, making her clenchs her fingers so hard in his arms that he winced a little but she refused to let go.

“No-” she shook her head “Bellamy no!” 

“It’ll be okay!” he reassures, sliding his hands down to her fingers and squeezing hard, begging her to look into his eyes in the meagerness of the light as their bodies started shaking from the cold in unison, the small appartment already beginning to freeze. She could see his breath and it made her heart jump. 

None of this was okay.

“I’ve done this a million times!” he reassures her, though and smiles a little “Probably some of the engines overheated and burst through so we have to patch it up and fix a few bolts and screws, okay?”

“Bellamy-” she shook her head. “I-”

“Don’t go there.” he begged her “Don’t think of the worst, scenario, alright?” he quickly moves forward and pecks her lips, pushing her to his chest and squeezing her tight for just a few seconds before pulling back again “We still have a few things to do-” she’s surprised when he rushes by the hanger with their jackets and pulls out his old one, then opens the drawers and fishes out a few more shirts and a warmer sweater before coming back to her and guiding her closer to the table where he dropped them and started gesturing at her to move her hands up. 

“Bellamy, what-”

“Hurry, princess, we don’t have the time!” he scolds her and when she doesn’t move, he lifts her hands up himself and swides in another thick sweater on her self, then reaches for his old jacket and piles it on before she can say a thing.

“Bellamy-”

“You need to stay warm for Gus, alright? You can’t freeze over while I’m gone.” he grabs a scarf next and wraps it around her neck, then practically shoves on a gat over her head and ends up covering her eyes.

“Bellamy, I can’t see!” she protests and he chuckles a little as he fixes it up, adjusts it over her forehead and leans in to kiss her.

“Sorry, princess.” he apologizes hastily “Here, gloves-” he takes off his own and puts them on her fingers instead before she even knows what’s happening-she’s never seen him like this-desperately trying to fix everything in such a short amount of time. 

“You need this!” she protests trying to grab his hand but he’s faster and of course he escapes her.

“I have work gloves, can’t use this to fix anything anyway.” a cough shakes him for a moment but he ignores it, she’s pretty sure that if he could wave it off he would in favour of just marching on. “Alright now-”

The voice over keeps repeating their numbers and names reminding them that they now had three minutes left and Clarke’s heart clenches so hard she feels it’ll squeeze out in her chest.

“The electric blankets, I got them, right?” she’s pretty sure that he’s talking to himself more than asking her anything as he keeps glancing around the room in the meager light and taking notice of everything that they’d need “The water bottles, the clothes, alright, okay-” he turns to her and nods at the bathroom “Let’s go in, so I can say goodbye to Gus.” he tugs her on and grabs the lamp from the corner on his way, hobbling over in the bathroom, his bad leg practically buckling from under him as he made it inside and put it down near the sink, close to the matress and all the blankets and clothes that they had piled up.

“Dada?”

“Here big boy!” Bellamy assures as he comes closer-Gus was still sitting like before, sticking out from under the blankets like a stick that supported a tent and hugged Rainbow close to his chest.

When they lean over Clarke notices that he’s still crying, small sobs leaving his tiny being and her heart breaks all over. 

“Hey, it’s okay, you know the drill.” Bellamy assures as he scoops him up for a tight hug and peppers his head with kisses. Gus holds on so tight on him that Clarke hears Bellamy cough from the strain but he doesn’t pull away, never pulls away. “Listen to dad now.” he forces Gus off of his embrace and she can see that he physically winces from the separation “You’ve done this before and Clarke hasn’t, okay?” Gus nods “So you’ll help her out when she needs it, right?”

“Yes, dada.” Gus promises. Clarke can see what Bellamy’s tactic was-to calm him down, he was trying to give him a purpose, so he wouldn’t think as much fo the cirumstances but more about the two of them. It was good, smart, especially considering Gus had never gone through this without his dad and with her before which meant that as well as they knew each other and as much as Gus adored her, this was still all new and unfamiliar to him. 

“I want you to press your back to the pipes, wrap two blankets over yourself and hold onto Clarke as tight as you can, do you understand?” Gus nods again but his eyes fill with tears once more.

“Dada, what about you?”

“I’ll be okay, baby boy. We’ll probably need some time to fix this so don’t panic.” Clarke admires the way that his voice just doesn’t waver-it stays strong and steady, as if he absolutely believed everything he was saying. And maybe, Clarke realized, he had to, otherwise there was no other way to go through this. “Dad will come back in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“Always.” he leans closer again and kisses his forehead “I love you.”

There’s a loud bang on the door.

“MECHANIC BLAKE COME OUT, YOUR TIME IS UP!” someone bangs at the door and startles them, making Gus whimper and reach for him and Clarke jump from her seat. Bellamy shakes his head and raises his hand in quiet gesture for her not to panic, then pushes Gus down and urges him to the pipes before getting back on his feet.

“Guards.” he explains to Clarke quietly, so Gus doesn’t hear them “I need to go.”

“Bellamy-”

“MECHANIC BLAKE, YOU HAVE THIRTY SECONDS OR WE WILL BE FORCED TO BREAK THROUGH!”

“I’m coming!” he yells back and takes on his new jacket, throwing it over his shoulders while Clarke’s hands reach for his. He grabs them, squeezes them tightly and looks into her eyes.

“If it gets too bad, strip him and yourself of your clothes and push him to your chest.” he instructs “Never move away from the pipes and keep the water bottles either between you or by your back the entire time.”

“Bellamy-”

“Don’t be afraid.” he takes her face in his hands and leans in for a quick kiss as the banging outside continues in synch with the yelling from the guards. It’s hard and messy and the most chaotic one they’ve ever had but at the same time it feels like the most peaceful one-it calms their souls and gives them the strengtht they need to go through this. 

“Bellamy, I lo-”

“Don’t!” he stops her, swiping a few messed up strands of hair from her forehead and looking at her gently “Don’t say it now. Not like this.” she nods, knowing perfectly what he means and understanding his point of view but still feeling a little sad that she couldn’t.

“You know, though, right?”

“Of course I do.” he gives her a quick peck on the forehead and rubs his nose against her “And you know it too?” she nods “Okay, that’s good, princess-” he rubs his thumbs under her eyes on both sides “That’s good.” the banging on the door intensifies and he pulls away, finally reaches for the door handle.

In the last possible moment, she grabs his wrist and squeezes it tight.

“Come back to me, Bellamy Blake.” she instructs and gives him a hard and demanding look that almost makes him chuckle-his stubborn princess, of course she’d be the one to set the rules-he manages a nod and then finally their hands separate and just like this, the door closes behind him, she manages to catch a guard yanking him by the collar of his jacket and he’s gone.

Chapter 37

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all for reading and leaving me comments! I'm sorry I'm slow to update, work has been crazy! Hope you like this chapter!

Comments and kudos are much appreciated!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

The guards are rougher with them this time on the way to Level 3.

There are about five more small groups of mechanics and other staff that they are escorting there in the midst of the busy Factory hallways-loud yelling and talking could be heard but the worst was that the air was already getting cold and all of them, as they spoke, could see their breaths.

“Must be serious this time.” Miller who’s joined him just a minute after Bellamy came out of his room, comments and his voice comes out as so worried and a little shaken, that Bellamy claps his shoulder and squeezes it in support.

“We’ll fix it.” he assures “We always do.” Miller nods but by the time they finally make it there and are shoved by the guards, Bellamy’s bones feel like freezing. He has trouble lifting his leg up, forcing his knee to buckle, so he just decides to drag it instead, hoping the brace would be enough to support him either way.

“What the hell?” Miller comments when they make it inside the big level gates and the guards close the doors and order in a neat line outside, their rifles held pressed to their chests. “Are they locking us in?”

“Shit.” Bellmy huffs, this wasn’t good-they must’ve been the last of the workers to be called and closing the doors wasn’t unusual since they’d be trying to prevent any blasts or other accidents from affecting the outside population but the wolves standing guard meant nobody could get in or out anymore. 

They were trapped.

And if something happened, they’d die inside this level.

Bellamy shook his head as he followed Miller in and tried to forget the morbid thoughts he had. Everything would be alright, it had to, for Gus and Clarke-he had to fix this, so their room gets warm again and they don’t freeze to death-this would be his incentive tonight, this will be what he fights for.

“Blake! Miller!” a voice echoes through and they’re waved off by Williams, Bellamy’s former boss who’s standing on one of the metal crates by the big engines, calling at them. 

When they cross over to that hallway-the level split in three and all groups of mechanics were called to each one, Bellamy felt the air suddenly growing so hot, it was hard to breathe. 

“Fuck-” Miller curses again as they move down to William’s location, yet another door, this time the hallway one, closing behind them, trapping them even more like mice in a maze with no escape and Bellamy realizes that he suddenly can’t see much of anything-the place was covered as if in a thick black mist, the air was hard to breathe and little burning pieces of what looked like paper but Bellamy knew couldn’t be that, floated in the air-it was so hot, he seated through his shirt the moment they made it to Williams.

“What the hell is going on?”

“Engine caught fire!” Williams yells through the mix of workers and noise coming from all over “The guards put it down but the core is still hot as hell.”

“What’s the problem?” Bellamy asks as he coughs through and covers his face with his elbow-this was what hell must look like, he thought, Hades’ kingdrom and Dante’s inferno all in one. 

Funny was it, Bellamy thought, Clarke and Gus were freezing over on the other side of Factory and he was about to feel his skin burning hot like the other day on Level eleven.

“Pressure regulator broke without us knowing-showed the right measurements on the monitor but was actually off. Then the vents stopped working and cooling the engine and the thing burst at the seams like a goddamn bomb.”

“Is someone hurt?”

“Two men died but other than that, we’re good.” Williams explains jumping off of his place and taking off his hat, tucking it in his back pockets “Come with me.” he gestures for them to follow him in the crowd of workers, all walking after their bosses or carrying tool boxes and helmets as they headed to the big engine that looked like a train splitting the room in half, with all its crates and different parts, a machine so big it looked like the monsters in some of the books Bellamy used to read to Gus. “Blake, Sinclair wanted to be here but the chancellor wouldn’t let him, so you’re under my command for now.”

“Sir.” Bellamy said quietly-he hadn’t expected for his new boss to be here anyway-he was after all the chief of Level eleven, a councilman and one of the core five of the best engineers on the Ark-they wouldn’t risk his life but when an accident like this happened all mechanics were sent in, regardless of where they worked at and on which ground, which meant Raven, Jasper and probably Maya could be here too, he just had no way of knowing. 

“Sinclair?” Miller throws Bellamy a look “Damn it, I knew you rose to the ranks but I never knew how much, Blake. Level 11, huh?”

“It’s not as fancy as you think it is.” Bellamy waves it off but Miller looks impressed by his friend and he has to shake his head to get rid of that-he wasn’t special, he wasn’t better than Miller-he was just a mechanic, that’s all. 

“Okay, you guys will go to the-” Williams picks up a clipboard from one of the distribution tables and marks something down with his pen, probably their names and when they reported to duty-all of this would be later reviewed by the chancellor and his council so it had to be put down accurately. “last crate on the left side just near the engine. I want you to tighten the bolts and work on wielding the open sides, okay? It’ll be hot but you’re the best for this kind of job.”

“Of course we are-” Miller mumbles covering his face with his elbow as well, already coughing pretty badly-the air was horrible and Bellamy could feel his lungs straining with every breath he took-if Clarke thought his cough was bad this morning, he wondered what would happen after this, if he survived it at all.

“Here, put these masks on-” Williams hands them simple white pieces of plastic over “Helmets and gloves.”

“I can’t work with gloves.” Bellamy waves him off after taking the helmet and the mask and putting them on “Keep them for someone else.”

“I’ll take them, Bellamy likes being idiotic, but I’m in no mood to self-sacrifice.”

“My hands are already fucked up, I can’t even put them on.” Bellamy says waving his bandaged fingers just after Williams sends them off and promises he’ll check on them later.

When they get there, they’re the only two working on this section-the closest other mechanics were on the other side of the crate, doing about the same thing they were-trying to wield this thing together. They used ropes to move up and down the enormous machine and as they work, Bellamy loses track of time.

He takes off his jacket and shirt, only keeps his pants on but he doesn’t miss the way Miller glances at his blue ribs and shakes his head at him.

“You shouldn’t be here, man.”

“Neither should you.” Bellamy throws back as he picks a hammer and fixes on a crooked piece that he was about to yield. 

“Your kid back home?” Bellamy nods in return as another cough shooks him and he pulls the rope up-it felt like his whole body was on fire-both from the temperature in the room and his injuries-his ribs were protesting with every movement and his leg was limply hanging as the other kept most of his weight against the crate but the worst was his coughing that just wouldn’t stop.

They stopped every now and then to drink water but he knew that they lacked oxygen-all of them, not just him and Miller-their visions started to blur, they got lightheaded, Miller accidentally burned his thumb with the torch and they had to stop to wrap it up while Bellamy glued his forearm to the burning side of the crate and didn’t find out what he was doing until he had to peel himself off, screaming, a bright burning red mark just above his wrist.

Damn, he thought, Clarke would kill me.

Miller hands him a rag, torn up from a shirt that he found somewhere and helps him wrap it up-they'd clean it up later, Bellamy couldn’t care less about this now.

Fix this, get the elctricity back on, go home-those were the three things he repeated like a mantra as they worked.

He loses track of time, at some point he asks Miller how long they’ve been here when they stop for a short water break and he shrugs off but a boy passing by carrying metal rods with which to support the engine, tells them it’s been about five hours since they all came in and Bellamy chokes on his water-five hours? Clarke and Gus had been alone for five hours? And they hadn’t even made as much progress as they thought they’d be at this point.

That only pushes him to work harder and though both him and Miller are on the verge of their strength, they push on. Bellamy thought he’d be the one to weaken out faster considering his injuries but it is actually Miller who starts lagging behind. He drops his torch more than once and almost falls from a badly tight knot on his rope, so Bellamy adjusts him closer to his one to keep an eye on him.

“Damn, you have a high treshold, Blake.” he mumbles tiredly swiping the sweat from his forehead “I couldn't do what you go through every day.” Bellamy shrugs a little.

“It’s not a big deal.”

“Yes it is.” Miller insists moving up on his rope and patching up over yet another hole in the crate and moving his helmet up a little to give him a serious look “You’re a badass, Blake.”

“When you have a kid, there are no choices to make-you just push forward.” Miller nods, puts his helmet back down and focuses back on his work just as Bellamy who was perched up against the corner, fixing a hole that was in a weird angle-they had almost made it all the way up which meant they may soon be done and move on to help with something else-the faster they did this, the better it’ll be for all Factory residents. 

And just then Bellamy looks up and sees one of the bigger metal rods they were moving over for the engine pass over them, hanging on two ropes. And it is in that exact moment, almost like a feeling of sorts, or what some people called fate, that he glances up and sees that one of them was loose and about to break-the threads barely holding on under the strain.

It was one of those weird moments where you can see something coming but couldn’t do anything about it and for a second there everything is in slow motion but after-

after, all hell breaks loose.

He sees the rope tear and the rod falling over right over Miller, who completely oblivious, chose the wrong moment to move just to the right and position himself under it. 

The heavy rod falls right over him and sends him down on the ground.

“MILLER!” Bellamy shouts and starts pulling himself down with his ropes “MILLER, NO!” the commotion causes other workers to turn around too, there’s yelling and lots of extra noise that makes everything worse but Bellamy’s faster than any of them, he unties himself from his rope and hobbles over to his friend-his bad leg buckling from underneath him yet he pushes on.

“MILLER! Miller, no, hey hey!” he comes by his side right away-the rod has hit him and ended up sending them both down, with it spreading right over his middle. There was blood on his head and he was awake but he was unaware of anything going on in that second “Miller! MIller, it’s okay, I’m here, I’m right here.” Bellamy promises frantically looking around and reaching for his shoulder that he squeezes hard as he assesses the damage-the thing was damn heavy but he immideately reaches over to the side and wraps his arms under it, trying to lift it up.

And then he can’t-it’s too heavy.

“Shit!” he curses “SHIT, SHIT, SHIT! NO!” he screams as he tries again and barely moves it a few milimeters before dropping it back down on the floor. Miller grunts, the pain from Bellamy’s efforts making it so hard for him to breathe but when he turns around he finds recognition in his eyes for a second.

“Bellamy-”

“It’s okay, I’ll get you out of here!”

“Bellamy, no...man....Bellamy-” he reaches over with his hand and begs for him to come by his side. Bellamy crawls up to him, takes his shaky hand in his and cups his face, patting it a little upon seeing the drowsiness in his eyes. “Bellamy-”

“It’s okay, you’ll be fine.” Bellamy promises “I’ll get you out of here.”

“No.” Miller mumbles “No, you can’t.”

“I can!” Bellamy insists “You just have to hold on for me, okay?” Miller moves his head up and looks down on himself, the way the rod had fallen just over his stomach and down to his right leg, pressing it so hard against the ground that the bone has stuck over, protruding his flesh in an ugly horrible way. Then there was a big cut slicing his middle and the blood from it making Bellamy squirm.

“Oh, shit.” Miller curses as his head falls back down “Shit, Bellamy, I’m gonna die.”

“No, you’re not!” Bellamy yells back “You’re not, Miller, you hear me!” he turns around and finds a small crowd gathering around them, more workers who were looking around awkwardly, not sure what to do “What are you staring at? Help me pull him out!” Bellamy commands and two boys and a girl on the other side kneel down and shove their arms under the rod as Bellamy tries on the other.

“Here, brother, I got you!” and older man comes to help on Bellamy’s side and they manage to move it yet just like before a feet up and then it falls back down on Miller who just screams in pain. “More people!” the man by Bellamy’s side yells “HEY, COME OVER HERE AND HELP!” he gestures at someone but Bellamy’s not paying attenion, he can’t care, not now, all he has to do is pull this up and free his friend.

Miller wasn’t going to die, not like this.

He shoves his hands again and closes his eyes ”For Clarke, for Gus-” he mumbles to himself, “for my friend.” he yells loudly as he puts all his strength in moving it up-the others, he feels them join in a second later, surprised that he tried to do this alone again and he feels his knee want to buckle, he feels it giving up on him but he forces himself.

“No.” he thinks “No, you won’t betray me now, I’ll do this...I’ll do this.” and somehow by whatever chance they do-they push through and Bellamy sees the rod move to his middle then glances at the workers on the other side and nods at them.

“Over there! Put it over there!” he instructs and they manage to lift it just a few more feet away from Miller and drop it at the side.

The moment he’s free from the weight, Bellamy’s leg buckles and sends him toppling on the ground but he steadies himself on his hands-he’s never overdone it like this before, never pushed as hard and he feels a throbbing in his entire body-his ribs, his head, his arms and most of all his leg and back-there’s a different kind of pain there too-a singing and when he sits on the floor and stretches his leg out he finds there’s a big gash on his bad leg right under his knee going down to his ankle painting his trousers red.

He reaches over for it and moves the torn up cloth away seeing some of the grime and small pieces of metal that had gotten stuck in.

Shit. Clarke would kill him even more now.

But he can’t care about this now-it was bleeding but somehow it didn’t hurt as bad as his knee was, so he looks up and finds Miller standing there, his own injuries much more severe and scaring the shit out of Bellamy.

Williams comes over from somewhere, rushing in with bandages and moonshine and kneels on the side Bellamy had been occupying moments ago. 

“Miller!” Bellamy calls out, dragging himself there and grabbing his friend’s hand again “It’s okay, we’ll fix you right up, alright?” Miller nods but he’s out of it so Bellamy doubts that he can actually register what was going on, so instead he looks at Williams who passes some badnages to him.

“We need to get him out of here and bring help.”

“I’ll take him to the doors.” Bellamy promises soaking the bandages with moonshine and pressing them to the wound on his stomach. Miller yells, bolts up but both Bellamy and Williams press him down .

“You’re hurt.” his boss says nodding at his leg but Bellamy shakes his head.

“It’s just a scratch.” 

“Bandage it!” Williams throws a medical pack in his direction “Right now.”

“Boss, I-”

“Now, Blake!” Williams insists and Bellamy curses as he pours some moonshine over his cut and forces himself not to yell while wrapping it hapharzadly over. He tried to use as little of the liquid as possible knowing how much Miller will need it and then both him and his boss move down to his friend’s leg.

Miller passes out while they try to secure his leg, using Bellamy’s belt to make a torniquete as well as a small metal piece to tie it up. 

“We have no stretchers.” Williams explains. “You’ll have to drag him there somehow.”

“I’ll make it.” Bellamy promises, standing up and swaying so violently on his feet that his boss has to grab his arm to keep him upright. He throws a look and opens his mouth to protest but Bellamy cuts him off before he can say anything “I can do it.” he insists “You need to go back to work and figure out how to finish up our patch.” Williams isn’t happy about this but he nods and tells all the other works away, urging them to go back to their positions.

“You still need to get back here to finish up after, okay?” Bellamy nods seriously as he leans over Miller, takes off his sweater and wraps it over his chest, tying the sleeves above his head and wrapping them around his arm.

“How long has it been?”

“Over ten hours.” Williams says making Bellamy’s heart trump in his chest.

“How long do you think we’ll-”

“Probably at least another five, maybe a little less, depending on how fast we work.” Bellamy nods and clenches his jaw.

“Then I’ll hurry.” Williams sends him off and Bellamy starts dragging Miller’s limp body down the hallway, out of the big mess hall and to the first door-it wasn’t such a long distance, shouldn’t take him more than five minutes but between his limp body and his own bad leg, he was aware it’d be more. 

He knew he could use some help but Williams had no way of sparing anyone in the midst of a crisis like this, so he had to do this on his own.

“I’ll get you help, Miller, I promise.” Bellamy tells his unconscious friend as he keeps dragging him down.

The first door opens easily since he had control over it and on the way to the main one he has to stop because he feels so dizzy that he almost passes out. The strain of pushing Miller up was taking its toll on his body despite the adrenaline but he forced himself to lean on the nearby wall, take a few deep breaths and try to ground himself.

He hasn’t felt that helpless in forever-he wanted to cry, everything hurt, his friend was possibly dying on the floor under him and he had no way of knowing how Clarke or Gus were-for all he could guess they were freezing out in the bathroom. The longest he and Gus had ever managed to survive was thirteen hours and he knew from experience that around the eight you started losing feelings to your limbs.

If his boy or Clarke-

No-he shakes his head-they weren’t dying. Neither was Miller.

He yells when he pushes up again and closes his eyes, not opening them unless he had to take the right turn to the gate. When he finally gets there, he sees the rows of guards standing just as still as before outside and he drops Miller carefully on the ground before he starts banging on the heavy glass.

“OPEN UP!” he yells “OPEN UP, MY FRIEND IS HURT!” nobody hears him at first, nobody turns. He bangs louder, wondering if maybe the glass is too thick until he sees one of the boys on the left flinch and he realizes that yes they could hear him, they were just chosing to ignore him “OPEN UP, MY FRIEND IS DYING!” he bags “OPEN UP!” finally a man turns around and Bellamy almost gasps when he realizes that it’s Morgan, the guard who beat him up at home, right in front of his son.

No.

No, no, no, no!

He feels like passing out.

The man smiles devilishly and lifts his eyebrow.

“Is there something you need, mechanic?”

“My friend, he’s hurt, please! He’ll die out here.”

“We can’t open the doors until you’re done or we risk the rest of the population getting hurt.” Morgan explains and Bellamy feels the anger bubble at him.

“Open up, you fucking piece of shit, my friend is dying!”

“DId you just insult an officer?” Morgan asks and picks up his tablet “That’d be twenty ration points, Blake!”

“OPEN UP! Please, open up!” he begged now, banging his hands against the door. Bellamy had a good idea how insane he must look right now-half naked, covered in dirt from head to toe, blood tickling from his leg, his motionless friend lying on the ground next to him “Open up or I swear to god-”

“You’ll what?” Morgan smirks and tilts his head. “What will you do, cripple?”

“I’ll kill you!” Bellamy spits out at the glass and sees droplets of blood mixed with his saliva-was he bleeding on the inside? Was this his bad ribs? Or was he just too tired?

“Did you just make a treat for my life, mechanic Blake?” Morgan asks and a few more guards turn around as well, clenching their hands around their rifles. Were they about to open up the doors and shoot him point blank? Were they going to kill him right here on a Level two hallway with his friend dying by his side?

“Open up. My friend needs medical assistance.” Bellamy tries again hitting his fists against the glass “You can’t deny him!”

“I thought that you knew by now, I can do whatever the hell I want, Blake.” Morgan spits back angrily “I can turn around and pretend I never heard you or your stupid friend.”

“Please, I’ll do whatever you want, just please-” he begs now and it makes Morgan smile and tap his baton in his hand threateningly. “Please, open up!”

“Anything?” Morgan asks and when Bellamy’s legs buckle and he ends up on his knee, the guard follows him, squirting on his level “You are the reason Jaha got me demoted. You are why I am here guarding you idiots instead of being back in Alpha.” he spits “So what I want is to open up these doors and beat the crap out of you, you stupid Factory scum. I want to crack your skull open and squeeze your throat so hard you can’t breathe.” Bellamy’s breath gets stuck in his throat as he sees the hatred in Morgan’s eyes.

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath-this was it-he’d never open the doors, Miller would die and he’d have to watch him and hold his hand as he did just because a guard was too hateful and full of spite to let them out.

He’d carry Miller’s death on his shoulders too-yet another person he disappointed after his mom, Gus and Clarke.

It’d be his fault.

“I’m sorry you’re so full of hatred that you can’t see what’s right in front of you-” Bellamy says back, staring at Morgan’s eyes seriously “I pity you.” that sends Morgan in another angry fit “I pity your sorry life.” Morgan’s eyes widen and he looks like an angry animal ready to attack but just then, there’s movement behind them and Bellamy catches sight of no one else but-

Sinclair.

He’s coming over with a few more councilmen and upon seeing him Bellamy forces himself up on his feet and starts banging up against the glass, harder than he’s ever had up until that point.

“What’s going on here?” Sinclair notices him right away and pushes the guards off, makes his way to the glass “Bellamy?” then his eyes fall on his friend and the blood on the floor “What’s-”

“My friend’s hurt and they won’t open up the doors.” Bellamy spills “Please, we need your help.” Sinclair nods and turns to Morgan, ordering him to open up right away and scolding him for not doing it earlier. 

Once the doors slip open, Bellamy falls on the ground and this time he doesn’t even manage to stay on his knees, he simply falls on the floor-exhausted. He loses track of time, hears Sinclair yell, something about medics and his head falls to the side where he sees Miller’s calm and unconscious face. He tries to make out the medics that are checking up on him, flashing lights in his eyes and checking his pulse.

“He’s critical, we need to move him now.” he hears them say and two guards pick him up and take him off. Bellamy moves up to his knees but the effort causes his vision to blur again and he falls back on the floor except this time he doesn’t hit the hard surface because someone’s strong arms pull him up and lay him in his lap.

“What on earth happened to you, kid?” Sinclair asks looking down on him worriedly. He’s coughing again, harder than before, maybe the adrenalline of getting Miller here made him forget about it for a moment but now his lungs were protesting against the hours spent in literal hell “You’re hurt.” he adds when his eyes slide down to his legs “MEDIC! Someone come over! I NEED MEDIC!” he yells waving his hand at someone on the other side of the open door.

“I’m fine, it’s just a scratch.” Bellamy tries to sit up and somehow manages to do so but his body sways again and he ends up in Sinclair’s arms. “I have to go back....finish fixing my part.”

“You’re not going anywhere but home.” Sinclair cuts him off “Medic!” he yells again “Guard, get me someone here!” when Bellamy looks up he finds Sinclair screaming at Morgan who’s gritting his teeth so hard he’s about to break his jaw “Come on, why aren’t you moving?”

“Sir.” Morgan mumbles before he leaves and Bellamy closes his eyes briefly and tries to breathe-the strain of the last ten hours comes crashing down all over him and he finds himself really unable to move.

“Just let me get back.”

“Who even called your number?” SInclair asks ignoring his protests “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“I’m a Factory mechanic, boss-” he explains eyes closed, unable to even look up at him “And Factory mechanics fix Factory problems no matter the level they work on.” Sinclair sighs and shakes his head as he lifts him up a little upon feeling his body slip. There’s some commotion on the other side again and he hears someone shuffle through but doesn’t open his eyes right away, simply unable to do so. “Oh, finally! You took too long!” Bellamy opens up his eyes to find a young medic kneeling by his leg and undoing his bandage but Bellamy simply pulls his leg away and shakes his head.

“No, I’m fine.”

“Bellamy-”

“He’s an Alpha medic, boss!” Bellamy blurts out and finally looks up. “I’ll have to pay him in rations and I don’t have any points.” the medic stops mid-action and looks up at Sinclair for orders.

“Should I stop, sir?”

“No, you’ll put it on my account.” Sinclair nods at him but Bellamy raises his hand and stops the boy.

“No! No! I’m good, don’t do this-”Bellamy begs and the boy drops his hands a little annoyed at the situation “I’ll be alright.”

“Bellamy-” Sinclair protests but Bellamy grabs his elbow and squeezes it tight.

“I have someone to patch me up back home, don’t worry.” he assures and Sinclair sees the stubborness in his eyes, sighs and nods at the medic to leave. “Push me by the wall, will you? I just need to catch my breath.”

“No, what you need is to get home.” Sinclair huggs kneeling opposite of him and staring at him angrily.

“I’m going back.” Bellamy mumbles brushing the sweat from his forhead as he looked at Sinclair’s confuse expression, his eyes filled with pity and anger which he just hated. “I’m...I’m okay, boss, I..” he tries between coughs covering his mouth with his elbow again, as he feels his leg throb for the first time not just because of his knee but also because of the cut.

Maybe it was that deep.

“No, you’re not. We need to get you help. And you’re not coming to work this week.”

“Like hell, I am. After a blow up like this all levels will be affected-” he tries in between ragged breaths and swipes the sweat from his forehead, seeing his sleeve come down black from the dirt on his face. God, he probably looked awful, not that he cared about it but he didn’t want to scare the shit out of Clarke when he came home.

“We can do it.” Sinclair argues as he takes a look at the haphazard bandage on his leg and carefully checks it out, trying to determine if it did any good at all or not. Bellamy has the urge to kick him off, always scared of people examining him even when they weren’t doctors but he has to bite it back.

“I need...I need the rations.”

“We’ll figure out the rations, now tell me why the hell this guard wouldn’t let you out when your friend was dying?” Sinclair looks angry now, the more he traces the bandage with his hands, the more he realizes that he was in a pretty bad condtion. His palm comes out bloody when he pulls it back soaked just like his pant leg. 

“He...he beat me up in my home, in front of my son.” Bellamy says leaning his head back against the wall and closing his eyes, deciding to allow himself this moment of peace, of rest before he stubbornly pushed on. Or maybe he didn’t have the strength to anymore. 

“He what?” Sinclair snaps and Bellamy eyes him carefully, smiling sadly. “He should be reported.”

“He was. That’s why he wouldn’t open the doors...to...” he coughs again “To get back at me.”

“Then I’ll report him again for doing this.” Sinclair insists but Bellamy shakes his head and panics.

“Please, don’t! Please...he’ll...he’ll get vindictive and it’s the last thing I need right now.” he begs reaching over to grip his knee wincing in between and coughing his lungs out. Sinclair’s so mad-this was one of his best mechanics and he was brought here just because he was from Factory, working his ass off for ten hours despite his horrible condition only to almost watch his friend die and get worse physically. 

Sinclair opens his mouth to respond but just then the PA stations above them blast in horrible loud static.

“ATTENTION TO ALL WORKERS-THE ENGINE IS BACK ON, I REPEAT, THE ENGINE IS BACK ON!” Williams’ voice, Bellamy realizes as he tilts his head back up at the wall above them where a small radio was blasting right on top of them, piercing through their ears “ALL FACTORY STATION WORKERS ARE FREE TO GO HOME! ESSENTIAL PERSONELL AND COMMANDING OFFICERS PLEASE COME TO JOHN WILLIAM’S OFFICE!”

“Oh, thank god, they fixed it!” Sinclair exclaims and Bellamy smiles, nodding thankfully at the invisible god that saved him from spending five more hours stuck here instead of going home to Clarke and Gus. 

“We did it.” he whispers to himself “We did it again.”

“You sure did, son.” Sinclair grabs his arm and helps him up just as the workers start leaving the hallway, swarming right through while the message continues repeating over and over again. The doors open but the guards stay on both sides monitoring them as the workers start passing through.

It honestly was like one big sad wave of exhausted, barely breathing people. It wasn’t just Bellamy who was coughing, many of them passed by Bellamy and Sinclair, struggling to take a proper breath, coughing loudly, hiding their faces in their elbows, talking quietly, mostly just...passing through, like tired soldiers returning from war.

Bellamy wasn’t the only injured one, there were many who had tied old rags around their hands and fingers, their arms or even their heads, their faces were black, sweaty, their clothes dirty, hats tilted to the side, all of them in the blue Factory uniforms, patched up by their lives at the knees or elbows or all the places the cloth tore-their eyes filled with unshed tears from emotions and from the stiffy air in the hall, all of them, moving like ghosts.

Bellamy nods at a few, exchanges some “Good job!” or “Get home safely!” with some of those he knew. A few men stopped and asked if Miller was okay, hearing that he got hurt and Sterling the boy who helped Bellamy at the execution of the Arrowheads looked beaten, broken and absolutely crushed but he still stopped by and said “We did it, mister Blake.” and Bellamy clasped his hand despite barely holding onto his feet much like the kid.

Sinclair watches them all go and when Bellamy glances over to him, he realizes the man never saw the way things were in Factory. He may have heard about them but he never understood, never truly saw. It made him wonder if his boss has ever witnessed another major accident like this and the way the Factory workers were forced to fix it or if this was his first time-maybe before he was just the one calling the shots from his office in Alpha.

“Why was he even here?” Bellamy wondered to himself but he was too weak to ask or worry about that-it was insignificant.

“I have to go home.” he said and Sinclair who kept staring at the sea of workers passing by almost jumped when Bellamy spoke despite his voice not even being loud enough to be heard by anyone in the vicinity.

“I will send someone with you to help out.” he said after shaking his head to himself alittle, trying to get rid of whatever thoughts were bothering him leave his head but Bellamy raises his hand in quiet protest.

“No, I got this. You have to stay behind and I need to get back to my son.”

“Are you sure you can-”

“I got it, boss, I promise.”

“Bellamy, you’re barely standing on your feet.” Sinclair tries again, voice filled with worry, not pity, not disgust but worry-he cared about him, once again something so unfamiliar to Bellamy, making him wonder if really more Alpha people were like Clarke and Sinclair or at least hope so.

“It’s not the first time.” Bellamy assures but his boss furrows his eyebrows angrily and opens his mouth to protest “See you Monday, boss.”

“You’re not coming in tomorrow, Blake!” he says sternly just as Bellamy is about to push himself from the wall and leave “I don’t care what I have to do to stop you but trust me I will find a way.” Bellamy opens his mouth to argue again but Sinclair raises his hand and stops him “Don’t worry about the rations! You’ll still receive them but I am giving you a three day paid leave after working your ass off today despite not being physically able to and if anyone has a problem with it, they’ll have to come to me, okay?”

Bellamy sighs, bows his head down and coughs a little-he could really use this time to be home, recover a little, help Clarke and be there for Gus and if he could still get his rations and enough food for them then that’d be like a small miracle for the family. 

He decides for once not to be stubborn, not because he couldn’t force himself to get up and go to work tomorrow-he sure as hell could but because his family, Gus, Clarke, his mom, they all deserved better and needed him more than Level 11 did.

So he nods and Sinclair grips his arm before bidding him goodbye.

Chapter 38

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all for reading this story and once again I'm sorry I took longer to update. I've said before that I have written ahead but I am anxious to post and that I work on my other fic more now but I'm also really busy with work. Still, hope you'll enjoy this, I tried to make it longer!

Kudos and comments are much appreciated!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

The way home is much harder than he aniticipated. He has to stop all the time and the guards positioned out in all the hallways and smaller intersections, watching him and the other workers intently, weren’t helping things.

Every time he tried to take a break and lean on a wall or support himself somewhere, he got a scowl from one of them, an angry grunt or a “Keep moving, mechanic” that forced him despite his pain to keep going. 

He coughed a lot but the more he approached his home, the better the air was but also the colder it got. It was such a big difference from the heat and stuffy air on the level to being here in the compartment hallways.

And that scared him and made him walk faster-if it was that cold out here, then it was even worse at their place and Clarke and Gus, God...

Clarke and Gus-

He hobbled over and fell to his knees, not once but twice. Sometimes some of the workers passing by helped him move up and he hated it though he couldn’t have done it without them, other times he just touched the wall with his hand and cursed his stubborness-Clarke had been right, he should’ve used the crutch more-his leg felt like it was burning from top to bottom and it kept buckling underneath him, refusing to hold his weight. That and the cut under his knee wasn’t helping things either-he knew he was leaving a trail of blood behind him but he couldn’t care.

He had to get home.

Finally, he burst through the doors and upon sensing the freezing air that made his breath come out in small white clouds, he pancked.

“CLARKE!” he called out “Clarke! Gus!” he coughed again, this time not because the air was too hot like in the site of the accident but because it was so sharpingly cold that it made his lungs contract painfully. “Clarke, I’m here!” he called out as he started limping to the bathroom.

He opened the door up with a bang and what he saw made him stop abruptly.

There they were, Clarke was curled up on the matress with his back to him, dressed up in the jacket he left her with and three of the blankets on top of her with a smaller lump pressed to her chest on one side and to the pipes on the other. The air was so cold he could see the mirror has frozen and there was some frost on the walls around him, except for the place where the pipes were just above Clarke and Gus.

This was bad. This was worse than ever before, he realized.

“Clarke! Gus!” he ran to them as much as he could, all pain in his leg forgotten, his cough ignored despite it being there, shaking his body. He didn’t matter, not now, all he had to make sure was they were fine.

He kneeled right next to her and grabbed her shoulder shaking it maybe a little too harsh.

“Clarke! Clarke, wake up! Clarke!” he saw her face was as white as the sheets underneath them and when he picked it up in his hands, he found it freezing cold. She had pressed Gus to her chest, pushed him under the big sweater and her shirt, undressed him so they could exchange body heat, so she could keep him warm and Bellamy couldn’t even get a good sight of his boy “Clarke! Clarke, oh god, no, come on, wake up!” he patted her cheeks but there was no responce and he felt his eyes fill with tears “Clarke! Clarke, please, Clarke! Gus! Gus, son-” he put his hand on his head and felt it warm, much warmer than Clarke’s but his boy wasn’t moving either.

In panic, he picked them up in his arms and held them tight, patting Clarke’s cheek gently. Then he leaned closer and felt her breath coming out of her mouth despite it being shallow and uneven and then his fingers slid to her throat and found a pulse-weak but again, it was there and he exhaled.

They were alive.

They didn’t freeze to death.

But they were bad, they were really bad. 

“Clarke, Clarke, please wake up!” he begged as he held her close to his chest and moved his hands up and down her arms and back trying to warm her up “Come on, princess, don’t give up on me now.” he was begging so hard as if she could actually hear him. He looked around and saw all the bottles that he’d warmed up were sprayed around them but were frozen now and the electric blanket was cold upon him touching it. God knows how and when they lost any source of meager heat. “Clarke! Please, please, come on, don’t give up on me now, you’re more stubborn than that, princess!” he leaned over and kissed her forehead holding her tight in his arms and begging whatever was out there in the universe to please not take her away from him.

And then-

A cough.

“Bellamy, you’re going to suffocate me.” he hears her say weakly and when he pulls away he finds her eyes barely open, staring up ahead drowsily, tiredly but they were opened, she was alive. 

“Oh, thank god!” he cried out, seeing his tears fall freely from his cheeks down on hers making her blink a few times “Thank god!” he kept mumbling and before he could stop himself, he leaned over again and kissed her on the lips. They were freezing cold against his but it seemed that this act alone made her warmer and soon enough she kissed him back slowly, softly. 

When he pulls away he cups her cheek and moves her up in his arms.

“You’re...you’re home.”

“We fixed it.” he says with a gentle smile, all events from last night rushing back into his brain only for him to push them back again-none of this mattered but her and Gus. “How is he?”

“He’s cold...very cold. I stripped him of his clothes and pushed him to my chest to wram him up but Bellamy I think that-” she looks down on Gus who remains unmoving “It’s bad. We need to wram him up, his feet are frozen.” Bellamy feels his hear trump in his chest and he carefully moves Clarke up and presses her against the pipes, feeling as they were growing hotter now, even warming up the wall around it. Soon enough he knew the electricity would swarm through all of Factory-he had to get up and take care of them, make sure they got better. 

He carefully peels off the blankets from her and Gus, unzips her jacket and gives her an apologetic looks when he does so, noticing her wince a little and cough herself but when his hand moves to pull the sweater up and he sees Gus’ tiny feet pressed to her side he loses his breath for a moment.

“Clarke-” he calls out to her and she leans forward her arms still wrapped around Gus tiny body around his back, pressing him to her chest in a death grip that had no undoing. “Clarke, his toes-” he picks up Gus’ feet and Clarke gasps when she sees the redness covering his feet-his first, second and third finger were an angry bright red, swollen and puffy and it went all the way like this to almost the middle of his little foot.

“Frostbite.” she whispers when she touches it herself and her movement from Gus’ back sends the kid wiggling in her arms. “He has frostbite, Bellamy.” she looks at him and meets his eyes, finding him in shock-he was so scared, the same way he was when Gus was sick and he came begging for her help “Look at the other one, come on-” she urges him, sending him into action knowing that this was the only way she could snap him out of it. 

Bellamy pulls her clothes away and carefully takes Gus other foot in his hand lifting it up enough so they could both see it under the light coming from the small lamp that remained in the corner, batteries almost running out. 

Bellamy sighs a little relieved when he doesn’t find anything too scary on his other foot-it was a little red and cold but his toes were fine.

“We need to check him out-” Bellamy mumbles “And you, we have to make sure you’re...you’re fine. I’ll-” he covers Gus and her back with the blankets and tries to stand up but he sways so violently he almost falls on top of them.

Then her eyes fall on his leg and sees the blood on his pant leg.

“You’re hurt!” she exclaims and finally takes a better look at him seeing him covered in saw and dirty from head to toe, barely breathing but still struggling to do his best.

“I’m okay.” he cuts her off “I’ll go turn the heating on, then I’ll come for you guys, alright. Just...try to keep up a few more minutes.” he begs and before she can protest, he’s already limping outside.

He’s panicking, dying on the inside but he cannot do this-he can’t be weak now so instead, he gets into action-he turns all radiators on to the highest possible point, not caring if he’ll have to pay extra rations for that, then turns all the lamps and heats up water in a big pot on the stove since the hot water from the sink hasn’t gotten to a higher degree yet and he also puts in some formula because he knows he’ll need to feed Gus, that it may even help him warm up.

When he goes back to the bathroom he finds Clarke dozing off again and he carefully undoes the blankets and the jackets again and picks Gus up in his arms first.

“Here you go, my boy, here you go, easy-”he takes Gus’ frozen limp body in his arms and the kid stirs for the first time but doesn’t wake up. He’s so small in this moment, so tiny in his arms just like when he was as a baby-he’s curled up on himself and he doesn’t even shake which means the cold had taken all control of his body.

Bellamy commands himself to be strong as he carefully takes him back to the now much warmer living room. He puts him on the bed under the blankets and places six hot water bottles around him before going back for Clarke.

She’s not much better and she’s coughing loudly and sickeningly, mirroring his own state, which scares him even more.

“Bellamy-” she says through ragged breaths, her fingers, her toes, her face-she’s all so damn cold. 

“Shh, princess, I’ll take care of you, I promise.” he gently pushes her on the bed next to Gus and brings more hot water bottles, almost falling in the process of doing so.

“Bellamy, we need to take care of this cut.” she tries but he shakes his head.

“It’s good, it doesn’t hurt and it’s not deep.” he lies pushing her down “Please don’t move, you have to warm up.” but Clarke’s relentless and tries to move on her elbows though she’s barely able to before she falls on the pillows with a thud. It’s much warmer now in the room and he knew soon enough they’d feel a little better but after a night like this, the chill didn’t leave your body for days after. Clarke was already weakened from not eating enough and trying to adjust to the Factory station conditions-if she got worse now, if she got sick, he would never forgive himself.

“Bellamy-”

“Clarke, please!” he begs her pushing her down again and bringing in the big duvet, adjusting it over both her and Gus. The kid hasn’t moved at all since Bellamy found them and he was scared senseless but he was pushing all his panic down and forcing himself to just keep going.

He was filling in the bottle of formula when Gus stirs and cries out, sending Bellamy rushing there in a second.

“Hey, hey, it’s okay, my boy, it’s okay!” the kid struggles under the blankets and tosses left and right before he looks up at his dad all confused and somewhat delusional. “Hey, Gus, I’m here.” 

“Dada?” he asks and Bellamy exhanges a look with Clarke as he feels Gus’ forehead.

“He seems feverish.” he tells her just as confused-the kid was cold up until half an hour ago and now he was burning up like when he was sick.

“That’s the frostbite-” she tells him after another cough shakes her too “Side-effect.”

“Dada, I’m cold!” Gus cries out, he’s so scared and shaky that it breaks Bellamy’s heart “Dada!” he reaches out with his tiny arms and Bellamy picks him up immideately, deciding that he himself was warm enough to keep him there but still throwing one of the blankets on top ot the boy’s tiny shoulders. 

“I know, I know you are son but we’ll warm you right up, okay?”

“Dada, please hold me!” he begs “Don’t let me go!”

“I won’t, I promise that I won’t.” Gus speech comes slurred and his head hangs over Bellamy’s shoulder-the boy’s limp in his arms, very weak and when Clarke sits up and shakes the dizzyness off herself with a shake of her head, he doesn’t stop her.

“We need to check him up, see if there’s any more of this.” she whispers sitting up in bed and pulling the blanket down a little. Gus whimpers immideately and wraps his arms tighter around his dad’s neck.

“Hey, it’s okay we just need to see how you're doing, kiddo.” Bellamy whispers stroking his head over and over again. Gus doesn’t say anything but just whimpers when Clarke pulls up at his clothes, checks his back, his butt, his arms, then Bellamy pulls him away and tugs the shirt on the front to see his chest and stomach. Gus cries now, begs them to stop and Bellamy’s heart breaks when they do this to him but he had no other way of checking him out.

“Hey, Gus, can you tell me what hurts?” Clarke asks carefully when the kid is a little calmer in his dad’s arm for just a moment. The tears keep streaming down his face, he’s lying in Bellamy’s chest in a baby-like position, gripping his shirt with his fingers and burying his face in his chest. 

“My foot.” he mumbles “My foot urts, dada!” he tells Bellamy and he grips him tighter.

“I know, son, we’ll wrap it up and make it better, okay?” he looks at Clarke for confirmation “Doctor Clarke will fix it. She can fix anything, you know? She’s the best doctor on the ark.” Bellamy keeps rambling rocking Gus a little in his arms while Clarke stands up, wobbly herself and heads to grab some bandages and that oil that she brought ages ago for when she wrapped his wounds after the bombings. Bellamy had kept it hidden in the corner and not used it, leaving it for emergencies like this one. 

“Here, you go, baby boy.” she comes back and sits by Bellamy and Gus. The kid’s whiny, sad, annoyed, all at once. The night had been horrible for them and he was in pain and anxious all at once. 

Clarke wraps his fingers one by one and Gus squirms and begs in his dad’s arms, wanting to be released and when it gets to be too much Bellamy reaches and grabs Clarke’s hand.

“Wait...give him a moment.” he begs and picks Gus up, walks to the stove and takes the bottle of formula he had filled. He talks to him in Tagalog now, soothing him, rubbing his hand up and down his tummy and making him quiet down. Gus is still anxious and scared but he settles, especially when Bellamy gives him the bottle and he starts sucking on it.

The room is warm enough now that his bare foot out in the open is not such a problem and Clarke watches as Bellamy walks around the room with Gus and rocks him carefully as the kid ate.

And then...then he sang.

He leaned his back against the kitchen sink, held him, stared at him and he sang. It was quiet, gentle, his voice was hoarse and steady despite the tears in his eyes-Clarke couldn’t understand the words, they weren’t English but they were soft and they threatened to put even her to sleep.

She was mesmerized by seeing him there like this, holding his son against his chest, feeing him and singing to him-he was covered in dirt from head to toe, hadn’t even had the chance to clean or wash himself up but he was there for her, for his son. 

Gus’ body got limp in his arms and soon enough the kid was asleep, so Bellamy carefully maneuvered him back to the bed, to her and watched as she finished wrapping his leg.

“What will happen to him?” he asks quietly, voice breaking now.

“We have to keep it warm and wrap it up like this, give him some pills for the fever and not let him walk on it until it gets better.” she explains as she finishes up the bandage and carefully puts the sock back on Gus’ foot. “There’s this special paste for frostbite. If we can get it somehow, it’ll help him heal faster.”

“I’ll find the rations.” he promises tightening his grip on Gus’s body “They should pay me some tomorrow and I’ll get it right away.”

“Bellamy-”

“Do you think it’s expensive?” he cuts her off before she can argue with him.

“Not that much, I don’t know. Maybe at least fifty points.” he swallows hard at that-this would probably be the amount he’d get tomorrow which meant if he spent it all on medicine, he couldn’t bring any food home. 

But maybe he could get to work and earn extra, at least enough to bring a warm dinner for Clarke and Gus. Yes, he’d do that. Sinclair’s plan to let him rest would have to be put on hold-this wasn’t happening, not until both of them were better.

“Do you think that he’ll lose....that he’ll-” Clarke grabs his arm and squeezes it tightly, looking into his eyes, expression determined and set on figuring this out.

“No.” she insists “I won’t let that happen.” Bellamy almost whimpers when she says this but he hides his pain away from her, bows down and kisses Gus’ forehead as he kept a tight grip on him and whispered reassurances in his ear, even though he was asleep.

Clarke reaches over and picks his face in her cold hands.

“Hey-” she strokes the dark circles under his eyes and forces him to come out in the open instead of hide away from here “We’ll figure this out, Bellamy.” she assures him “Together.” he smiles a little and leans forward just as she did as if he could read her thoughts and when their lips collided she felt safe for the first time since last night. He moved his hand to cup her cheek too and when they pulled away because both of them were coughing now, he rubbed his nose against hers she felt his breath fan her lips.

“Clarke-” his voice came out a little more broken than he probably intended to but he stared into her eyes again before he continued “Thank you. For keeping him safe.” 

Clarke felt her whole being light up at that, despite all the pain, despite her body shaking all frozen to her bones, despite the shiver that ran down her spine and the fact that she just had the most horrible night of her life.

“You know I always will.” she smiled as she said it and he exhaled, having held his breath this entire minute, wondering if he maybe said or did the wrong thing and then he leaned in for another kiss.

This one was messy, too damn messy but it was filled with love and passion. It’s like this entire time they couldn’t truly breathe without each other, their bodies freezing not just from the cold but the fact that they were separated and only now were they truly coming together-igniting the fire in them back up and bringing each other to life.

They kissed like this for a while, a little awkwardly, a little too messily since none of them were in a good physical condition, until Gus stirred in Bellamy’s arms and they both pulled away at the same time. 

She coughed a little again and he furrows his eyebrows.

“Lay back down, rest. I’ll wash up and make food.”

“No, you’re hurt-” she tries to stop him and gestures at his leg “I have to patch it up.”

“It’s not a big deal” he promises squeezing her hand as he easily overpowers her to lay back down on the bed  and gently puts Gus next to her, covering both of them with the blankets.

They were much warmer now, he could tell by just touching them but he still adjusted the blankets on both their sides and kissed their foreheads before standing up and heading for the bathroom. 

He leaned on the sink and breathed heavily, trying to let everything that had just happened to him today sink through-he was bone tired but he had to keep pushing, it was just the beginning of the day and he had to take care of Clarke and Gus, put all his efforts and strength there, so he could get to work tomorrow and figure it out.

His son was hurt...so hurt-frostburn was something Bellamy never wanted to happen to him and yet it had.

He let his tears roll and fall in the sink as he leaned over and pushed his shirt off his head. 

For a moment he couldn’t breathe, not because he was hurt or because of all the bad air he’s inhaled today but because his son almost froze to death, the woman that he loved was passed out from the horrible conditions in the station and he pushed himself to his limits to fix a giant engine, so they can get warm again yet he’s never felt more helpless in his life.

He takes out his clothes as he feels the anxiety bloom in his chest and when he turns on the shower, he cries so they wouldn’t hear him-he breaks down in a way that he hasn’t since Gina had died but he knew he had to do it now, here, so when he left the bathroom, he could go back outside and be the person that they needed him to be.

Somehow his tears won’t stop, though-it’s like a river pouring out of him, even when he puts on his shirt, even when he sits on the toiilet lid and wraps his leg in a tight handmade bandage after pouring some moonshine on it-it wasn’t that deep, he thought, he wouldn’t bother Clarke with it-all he had to do was hide it.

Hide all of his pain away, cover himself in big ragged clothes and push forward for his son whose toes and foot were frozen, for Clarke who was now coughing much like him.

All clean and freshened up, he comes back to the room now much warmer than it has probably been all week and checks on them-Gus is sound asleep, curled up with his back to Clarke’s side and she’s spooning him, her hand thrown over the baby boys' middle. Bellamy gives them a fond look and strokes their heads as he kneels down to place gentle kisses on their foreheads.

He decides to check if there’s something in his ration’s card-it was Monday, so something from last week’s work must’ve come through and he carefully slips in his shoes and throws on his jacket. This time, though, without shame, he takes his crutch-he wouldn’t be that stupid to pass out somewhere in the hallway outside, not when others depended on him.

There’s a machine in each bigger hallway where you could swipe your card and check your balance before going in the mess hall and when Bellamy does it, his eyes widen a little-he had fifty, exactly as much as he’d need for Gus’ frostbite medicine.

But that meant nothing would be left for food and they were literally out of bean cans or formula. And then he hears a familiar voice come from behind him, a soft hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently.

“Bellamy?” he turns around to find his mom, staring up at him worriedly but also relieved, she throws herself in his arms and squeezes him tightly “Oh, thank God! I was so worried when the electricity stopped last night, I knew they’d call you out to help.”

And then the dam that has been threatening to burst for weeks now, finally does.

“Mom-” he cries out and buries his head in her shoulder “Oh, mom-” he allows himself to sob this time-this big supposedly strong man collapses into his mom’s arms and hides in her chest, crying like a baby.

“Bellamy, oh, son-” she runs her hand through his curly hair “Shh, it’s okay, I’m here, it’s alright.” he tightens his grip on her and hopes they don’t attract any attention because right now, he’s ashamed of himself, ashamed of his weakness. He could do better but all he managed to was cry his ass out and fail to provide enough for his son. “It’s okay, what happened, Bellamy?” she pulls his head away and cups his face, wiping the tears from his face. He’s flushed and shy just like Gus got when he was embarrassed but Aurora simply stands on her toes, kisses his forehead and takes his good hand. 

“Come on, come here, let’s talk.” she helps him to the nearest bench and they both sit down his mom’s hand never leaving his. For a moment he feels guilty that he never thought about her last night-that his focus was solely on Gus and Clarke or saving Miller or fixing the engine and not her.

“Are you...are you okay, mom?” he asks as the guilt crawls through his entire self.

“Am I okay?” she asks confused “Bellamy, I’m not the one having a breakdown in the middle of the Factory hallways.” he looks around whips his head left and right to check if there are many people going around but the place is surprisingly empty.

“Why is there no one going to work?”

“Didn’t you hear? The councilmen announced a day off for everyone this morning so we could...as he so eloquiently said-recuperate.” Bellamy huffs at that and wipes at his teary eyes, brushing them away with the back of his jacket and coughing a little “What happened? Talk to me.” she prompts him and he winces a little as he begins telling her everything from Miller getting hurt last night to coming home and finding Clarke and Gus in the bathroom, to his boy getting frostbite.

“How bad is it?” she asks trying to keep her voice steady but he could see she’s angry too.

“A few toes, his first ones and half of his leg.”

“Has the skin peeled off?”

“Yeah...a little.” 

“Anywhere else, his fingers or his hands? His face?” he shakes his head and Aurora exhales at that. “And Clarke?”

“No, she’s okay...just very cold and coughing somewhat but I’ll give her some of my syrup.” Aurora nods and squeezes his hand again but he’s too ashamed to look up at her-feeling like he failed her as well because she raised him to do better, to take better care of his family.

“You’ll need the Frostbite paste for him.” she announces and he whips his head surprised at her “It costs fifty ration points.”

“How do you know?” 

“Because you needed it too when you were a kid.” his mouth drops a little and she gives him a serious look “What? You don’t think you had gone through that as well? Bellamy, almost every child in Factory suffers from frostbite.”

“But...I don’t remember it.”

“You were a baby, your dad had just passed and one night they turned the electricity off without any of us expecting it to. I was asleep with you in bed I didn’t even notice at first until I woke up hours later and you were so cold, I thought you were dead.” his eyes widen at that realizing just now that his mom, as always has gone through the same things he was as a parent “Your fingers and your toes almost all got red and started peeling.”

“How did you...how did you get the rations?” it’s her turn to look away for a moment before she lifts her head up and juts her chin proudly.

“I did what I had to, Bellamy.” and he winces as he hears her voice and looks away-he knew...of course he knew, he wasn’t stupid. He’s reminded of that time the guards thought he was Clarke’s stripper when they went to Alpha because so many politicians or rich folks would hire poor factory men or women for sex and pleasure just for a meager amount of rations. For them fifty points was nothing, absolutely nothing, they could throw them in the wind in a second and not think about it twice but for Aurora, for Bellamy, it was the difference between their child being crippled and getting better. 

He knew his mom had done it, or at least suspected so but they’ve never really talked about it until after Gina’s death when Bellamy was very desperate for rations and was about to offer himself the same way his mom had before.

There was a place to go for so you can be picked out-a small hallway in GoSci that the guards avoided. Everyone knew about it but nobody did anything for it-prostitution was officially forbidden on the Ark or so the law said but it may be the only one that was broken most often and nothing, absolutely nothing was done about it.

As it suited the politicians on the Ark.

Aurora had caught Bellamy then, found him, dragged him back home and given him a speech-he wouldn’t repeat her fate. She’d help him with food, with formula, they’d take extra shifts, they’d manage but not this...never this, she said.

He had felt like a teenage boy caught sneaking around then but had agreed with a careful quiet nod. It was different times then though-he had strength then, he wasn’t hurt-now...now he was at a loss.

“I know that and I’m grateful but I wish you didn’t have to.” Aurora scoots closer to him and wraps her bony arm around his waist rubbing his back gently.

“We all do what we have to do for our children.” she says softly and looks up at him carefully “It will be okay, Bellamy. He will recover.”

“I wish he didn’t have anything to recover from in the first place, mom.” Bellamy blurts out maybe a little angirly and forces himself to breathe and tame his anger but it just turns into yet another cough that shakes his entire being and he hates it all. “I wish he didn’t live here...have all this pain in his life.”

“Nobody wants their child to be in pain, Bellamy but whether he’s in Alpha or Factory, you cannot raise him in a glass box and prevent him from ever interracting with the world-he will run like every kid, fall down and get scrapes, he will get sick with the flu, he will get cold and maybe have frostbite.”

“Alpha children don’t get frostbite.”

“But we aren’t them, never have been, never will be.” Aurora says a little more sternly, bringing him back to reality “You’re angry and I understand that-you watch your son and you see him suffer but let me remind you that I too watch my son suffer, every day.” his face falls at that and he turns to face her.

“Mom-” she cups his cheek and runs her thumb under his eye.

“Bellamy, we all do our best but sometimes we cannot fix everything. Do you think my heart doesn’t skip a beat every time I see you limp or cough? Do you think I don’t spent my days at work and nights at home wondering if you’re okay, how much pain you’re in and how hard you were trying to push through it despite it all?”

“Mom, I’m okay.”

“No, you aren’t. You got hurt. Permenantly.” he bows his head down and swallows hard a little “You’ll be like this for the rest of your life. I will watch you suffer for the rest of your life. My son...my beautiful boy.” he covers her hand with his and looks into her eyes finding the pain that he had when he looked at Gus mirrored there.

“I’m getting used to it.” he whisper softly “I will...I will be okay eventually.”

“Do you ever wish upon Gus to get used to pain?” he shakes his head stubbornly and grits his teeth.

“Gus will get out of here. He won’t live the life we do, he won’t raise his own children in this hell. I won’t allow it.” Aurora sighs and lets their hands drop to her lap. She wraps her bony white fingers full of tiny needle holes that mapped her palm and made her mirror, in a way, the freckles on his face.

“Is that why you won’t tell me what’s happening with your job?”

“My job?” he tries to sound surprised but it comes out as a weak excuse instead and the motherly scowl returns to Aurora’s face making him bow his head down like a five year old kid who didn’t do his homework.

“I know something’s changed. I met Miller the other day and asked him about you. He said you’ve been relocated.” Bellamy closes his eyes and lets his fingers squeeze hers tightly “That and the cake for Gus’ birthday, the P.S said someone named S send it and not Williams.”

“Mom-”

“What’s happening, Bellamy?”

“I can’t talk about it.” he mumbles barely audible as he coughs again a little and hides his face in his elbow briefly while it passes. Aurora reaches over for his forearm and pulls it away, turning his face by his chin to her and staring into his sad broken eyes. 

“You’re not okay. And it’s not just your back or leg. You’ve been worse lately.”

“Mom, I can’t tell you.”

“Why?”

“I’m literally forbidden from doing so.” her eyes widen at that, her hand falls to her side and he sees fear in her eyes for the first time in a while.

“No...” she shakes her head “No, tell me you didn’t do this.”

“Mom-”

“Level 11?” she calls out a little too loud and Bellamy jumps somewhat scaredly looking around them for anyone passing by but the square was mostly quiet except for a few workers that were walking towards the pharmacy and mess hall hallways at a safe distance from them.

“Mom, quiet-”

“I won’t be quiet!” Aurora hisses back “What did you do? What did they offer you?” he sighs again-he knew she’d figure it out. Though nobody officially talked about level 11 on Factory everyone knew that there was a team trying to assemble it from its broken state and perhaps rebuilt it. It was a sort of myth going around amongst workers-they said only Alpha mechanics went there but they were too incompetent to rebuilt it and Factory would never regain the electricity accessability it had before because the chancellor wouldn’t allow it and that he left it broken and closed on purpose. And yet...there was gossip, some people saying they saw workers going up there with the elevators, generals, councilmen and even the chancellor himself but they never stayed long because it was dangerous. 

“Mom, I told you, I can’t really talk about it.” he says through teeth as he keeps looking around “I’m not allowed to.” the fever with which he says it makes her back down a little but the light in her eyes, that angry motherly scold mixed with fear never disappeared.

“You’ll die out there.”

“No, I won’t.”

“You’re risking your life over nothing.”

“I’m risking my life so that what happened last night doesn’t ever repeat!” he raises his voice a little but tones it down when he remembers that they’re still out in the opened “I’m risking my life so that my son doesn’t ever wake up with his toes red and peeling from frostbite or coughing his lungs out or god forbid,mom, dying!”

“What happens when you die?” she counters “What happens to that boy if you get killed out there, huh?”

“I could get killed anywhere, I told you what happened to Miller last night-nothing in Factory is safe, no matter the level you work on.” Aurora shakes her head angrily still disagreeing with him. “Is it a bigger risk? Yes, but it’ll be good for him.”

“Good how? Rations? Food?”

“Yes. I can afford everything he needs-he has to gain weight you know Clarke said he’s small and I can buy him clothes and shoes, raise him better, give him the opportunity, when he grows up to study for the medical exams if that is what he wants to do, give him access to the library in Alpha, to better teachers, a better life.” Aurora’s eyes fill with tears but she’s biting her lip in a quiet way of protesting “I can actually do this, mom.” there’s hope in his voice and it breaks her, it breaks her heart so much “I can save those rations even if we fix the Level sooner, before he’s older, I’ll have enough for him.”

“And what about you?”

“What about me?”

“What happens to you? To your state of being? To your leg and your lungs?” he opens his mouth to protest but she raises her hand “Everyone knows the air out there’s bad, that’s why nobody wants to work on it, that is why they seek you out because you are a Factory boy whose life being lost won’t matter.”

“Mom-”

“You’ll die before you’re forty, Bellamy!”s he cuts him off “All your grandeur plans for Gus and his future...” she shakes her head angrily “Do you think you’ll live to see him actually graduate? Start work? Will you ever be alive long enough to maybe meet his grandchild?” Bellamy pulls his hand away from her and rests it over his bad knee, squeezing it tightly.

“That doesn’t matter.”

“It does to me.” Aurora says softly now “It does to Gus and I am sure as hell it changes everything for Clarke too.”

“Clarke will be okay.” he huffs it out but she doesn’t miss the way his cheeks blush.

“Clarke is in love with you and you are in love with her.” at that his eyes widen and he turns around to meet her eyes again-it was one thing for him to tell Clarke he loved her but for his mother to have seen it before they’ve ever told her so was...well, it made his heart flutter all over again. He smiles a little and feels his cheeks burn “You are together, aren’t you?” she prods softer now and he sneaks a look at her, nodding slowly “Good.”Aurora determines with ease and conviction.

“Is it?” he asks fearfully like a child looking for approval.

“Bellamy, I haven’t seen you look at anyone like this since Gina but it’s not just that...” she runs her hand up and down his arm motherly again “You seem...happier, lighter around her and I know she’s been through a lot but she has that same look on her face as well.”

“I am...I am happy with her.” he admits feeling his whole face blush “But I ....I also feel a little guilty.”

“Because of Gina?” he nods.

“And Gus. I don’t want him to think that I don’t love his mom anymore. I always will.”

“Have you talked to him about it?” Bellamy shakes his head and rests his back on the bench, stretching out his bad leg with a wince that Aurora doesn’t miss. It was a good thing he took his crutch but he should be at home resting, not out here. 

“It’s...just happened recently, we wanted to give ourselves some time before we eased him into it.”

“That’s smart.” he looks at her glad for her approval and she smiles a little “I’m sure he will be thrilled, Bellamy. He loves her so much already.” Bellamy shrugs a little, still seemingly lost in his thoughts and the argument they’ve had before “I still think you should tell Clarke about Level 11 and that you should decline the offer.”

“I can’t. I have already started and there’s no going back now.”

“Even if there was, you wouldn’t take it, would you?” she asks seriously and he shakes his head in confirmation “You’re bent on it.” he nods staring at the floor ahead, afraid to face the angry beast that his mom could be when he was being idiotic.

Still, he reaches out for her hand and waits for her to take it before he swallows hard after yet another cough and dares a look at her.

“You won’t hate me for it, will you?”

“Oh, Bellamy-” her voice breaks a little now and she pushes his head to her shoulder again holding him in a tight yet awkward position that made his back hurt but he found that he didn’t mind it one bit-being held by his mom that was the best feeling in the world, one that he never wanted to lose ever again. “You are my son, I could never hate you.”

“But you don’t support me?”

“I don’t support your desicion but if you ever need me and my help, I will never turn my back to you.” she promises kissing his head and pulling away from him a little. Now both of them were crying and Bellamy was unabashedly brushing his teary cheeks with his sleeve. Aurora nervously moved her hands all over his head-swiping away the curls from his forehead, then to his cheeks which she cupped softly, then to his shoulders which she squeezed. “Now let’s go get this medicine and go back to your boy. I will help out with the rations.”

“Mom, no-”

“I’ve saved some lately, Bellamy.” she assures “Got more requests for birthday girl dresses. Apparently Alpha makes a celebration the size of our Wheat dayс when someone’s becoming of age.”

“But-”

“Stop arguing with me, Bellamy Blake and let’s go.” she urges him, helping him stand up and handing him his crutch “You listened to Clarke for once.”

“I took it myself.” he admits “Wasn’t sure I’d be able to walk without it.” he can only ever be honest with her about his pain like that and Aurora appreciated it even if it made her heart ache for her son.

They walked slowly to the pharmacy hallway and when they went there, they found a long queue already-many people, some of whom were barely standing on their feet like Bellamy-with severe frost bite and patched up hands and even faces, or others who coughed constantly even worse than Bellamy were lined up on the only desk they had opened.

“This will be a while.” he huffs a little annoyed as he leans his back on the wall and squeezes his crutch tightly. There were whole families here, some with their crying babies who were white or almost blue faced, others demanding they were examined by the doctor too and who were relocated to the office in the end of the hallway where Bellamy knew one of the older doctors-a seventy year old woman from Arrow who had somehow gotten a degree back in the day-were examining the severe cases. “Why don’t you go get food and then swing by to check on them while I get the medicine? I don’t want them to be alone.”

“Were they asleep when you left?”

“Yes, but Gus could wake up from his pain.”

“I don’t want to leave you, though, not like this.” Aurora insists as she dragged her look over him-he was in a bad shape himself, already barely standing on his feet and coughing constantly. “We’ll stay together. Clarke is with him and if he needs something she’ll take care of it.”

“But, what if-”

“No, Bellamy. We’re staying together.”

And there was a reason for that as Bellamy later realized. It took them over an hour to actually get to the desk behind which there was a young woman from Farm who was dressed in a white coat going over prescriptions and ration points and trying make sense of it all. The poor girl was so discheveled that Bellamy felt bad for her but he was actually a little relieved that she was the one on shift and not the older meaner pharmacist who would always argue with him about the dosage of his pills or the syrups.

“What can I do for you guys?” she asks when she pushes the paperwork aside and gives them a look, smiling a little despite the stress she was under.

“We’d like some frostbite paste.”

“For children or adults?”

“There’s a difference?” Aurora asks confused and the girl nods.

“Adult one’s stronger but it could still be used on a kid if you applied less. I have however only two child ones left so they cost more.”

“Shit.” Bellamy curses “How much?”

“Seventy.”

“I have fifty.”

“We’ll add mine too.” Aurora says sternly gripping his hand “We’ll take it. Also add two bottles of cough syrup, please.”

“Mom, no we can’t-” he tries to protest coughing a little as he spoke, proving her point that he needed this. 

“Quiet, kid.” she scolds him and takes out her blue ration card setting it on the counter next to Bellamy’s “We’ll take some bandages too and give us some Tylenol as well.” she adds and the girl goes around to the shelves behind her, picking everything up.

“Mom!” Bellamy hisses at her “We cannot do this! You can’t spend all your savings on medicine.”

“I can do what I want since I am the parent and I decide what is best for my child and his son.”

“But-”

“Shush!” she actually scolds him and makes a few of the people behind them tern and smile at the exchange whilst Bellamy felt like an angry teenager who was all grown up but had to still listen to his mom because she apparently, said so.

“Which card am I charging this to?” the pharmasict asks when she brings in everything they’ve asked for and puts it in a big brown bag. 

“Mine!” Aurora pushes it to her but Bellamy covers her hand and puts his foot down.

“Both!” he tells the girl and slides in his too. Aurora opens up her mouth to argue now but Bellamy cuts her off.

“You forget that you are my mother too and this isn’t a one-way street. You take care of me but I also take care of you.” Aurora grits her teeth despite wanting to argue with him and then the girl interrupts them.

“Sorry, but I can also charge all of it on your card, sir, if you’d like?” she turns to Bellamy “You have more than enough points.”

“What? That’s not possible. I only had fifty when I last checked.”

“You were transferred a hundred and fifty additional points about forty minutes ago according to my server.” she tells him staring at her computer screen and squinting her eyes trying to make out the numbers “It’s your paycheck for the last two weeks it seems.”

“But...there must be a mistake. I was sick and off for a while and I-”

“It is what it is, sir,” the girl adds tiredly, maybe even a little annoyed “would you like me to use your card or the missis too?” Aurora opens her mouth to argue but he takes her hand and squeezes it in quiet protest.

“Just mine.” he insists and the girl swipes Aurora’s back on the counter while she finishes his transaction. “Keep them, mom!” he insists but she shakes her head and takes the bag from the girl so he can shove his card back in his front pocket and walk off with his crutch.

“We’re going to mess hall and buying food.” she states “And this time, I’m paying.” he wants to argue with her but he knows better. She felt guilty that she insisted on the cough syrups and the bandages when he only wanted the frost burn paste and he’s well aware that he won’t change her mind about it so he just follows her slowly and tries to force himself not to stop whenever he felt out of breath.

His entire body still hurt starting from his bruised ribs to his back and all the way to his knee and even his fingers. There were moments, especially in the morning or when he overworked himself when even his foot felt paralyzed and he couldn’t feel much of his toes. He hadn’t told that to anyone, knowing it’d just freak them all out but on such occassions he got scared. Must be all the nerve damage as Clarke had explained back after the accident but he feels it now too and he is basically dragging his leg only feeling more of anything above his knee than down. 

Chapter 39

Notes:

A/N: Once again, I am sorry for taking so long to update, I know there's some people on here and Tumblr who love this story and I'm probably disappointing them by not posting so often. Work has been a little hectic and I haven't done well mentally which is why I've been working on my other story more just because of the way I feel right now. As I've said, I have written for this ahead but I'm a bit anxious to post it.

Either way, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Aurora notices it when they’re in the mess hall where the queues are shorter and more desks worked.

“Sit down, come on-” she urges him to one of the metal benches near the big tables. His breathing is uneven and his face is white as if he’s about to pass out any moment now, but it looks like his cough isn’t the problem this time but rather the pain in his leg.

 “Rest while I get this, alright?” he tries to sit up and protest but she pushes his back against the table and says something that he can’t make out because his ears are ringing.

The pain is suddenly overwhelming like it usually was only either early in the morning or late at night when he came home. He forces himself to move closer and pull his pant leg up to look at the bandage on his cut that seems fine-there was just a little bit of blood in the middle but when he touched it carefully it didn’t hurt.

Or perhaps he couldn’t actually feel any of it?

He’s so lost in his pain and thoughts that he doesn’t realize Aurora’s came back.

“What’s that?” she asks when she drops all the stuff she bought on the table and sits by his side “You got hurt?”

“It’s just a scratch. I’ve cleaned it and patched it up.” he brushes her off and pulls his pant leg down moving on from the subject before she can keep prodding. He looks at the other big brown bag that was much bigger than what he thought it’d be and she pulls it down between them opening it up a bit for him to see.

“Got two boxes of Formula, some tomatoes and bananas, more coffee for you, bread, an actual big loaf of bread, some eggs and a small pack of jerky as well as corn and pea cans since I assume you’re tired of the beans.”

“Mom, that’s too much, we can’t-”

“Yes, you can!” she insists “Gus and Clarke will need this now, to get their strength back and so will you. You have to eat well and I won’t take no for an answer, Bellamy.”

“What about you?”

“I have enough.” she nods at the two bowls of algae that were her rations for the day.

“That is not it!” Aurora ignores him and stands up, motioning for him to get going. He’s slow on raising himself up this time and he staggers despite the crutch by his side so she wraps her hand around his other arm and helps him walk. 

He feels weak, too weak for her liking and on the way home she asks him how long has it been since he slept or ate, which took him a while to remember. He worked all night long, almost over ten hours, went through hell with what happened with Miller and then Gus and Clarke so it has been over a day since he got any actual rest.

When they make it back in, they find the room thankfully warm enough for Bellamy to start sweating. Electricity was full back on and according to the announcements on the station hallways that they heard on the way home, it wouldn’t be stopped for three days apart from a few hours at night which was more than gracious from the chancellor or more like just a measure that secured Factory people wouldn’t protest.

What startles him is the crying coming from the bed. When both of them make it in, they see Clarke sitting up and holding a wailing Gus in her arms, trying to soothe him.

“I want dada!” the kid was screaming his guts out, crying out loud like when Bellamys only heard of him as a baby “I WANT DADA!”

“Shh, it’s okay, it’s fine, Gus, it’ll be okay.” Clarke tried holding him up in her arms but the kid screamed and kicked, tossed and turned in her arms and she was unable to do absolutely nothing to stop him.

Gus had kicked off the blankets and Bellamy could see that the bandage they’ve done on his foot was undone, probably from all of his kicking and the hustle of trying to get away. 

“Dada! I want DADA!” he kept screaming. Clarke looked up when she saw them by the door and shook her head just barely at Bellamy who pulled away from his mom’s embrace, let go of his crutch letting it fall on the floor instead of leaning it on the wall like he usually did and tried to basically run to the bed, almost falling off in the process.

“Gus!” he called out, trying to keep his voice steady “Gus, dad’s here!” the kid turned his head around and Bellamy could see his red blotchy face, the fear in his eyes, his desperate cries. 

He manages to sit down and open his arms for his son, letting Clarke maneuver him gently over, though he kept kicking and screaming.

“Quiet, shhhh, quiet now, I’m here, son, I’m here-” Bellamy pushed him to his chest and started rubbing his hand up and down on his tiny back-he was warm, finally, nothing like what he had been before but Bellamy still pulled one of the blankets and covered him with it. “Shhh, shh, dad’s here, I’m right here, baby boy.”

“Dada!” he cried and buried his face in his chest “Dada, dada...”

“It’s okay, it’s alright.”

“You were gone.” Gus cries out and Bellamy looks at Clarke who’s still sitting up there at a loss for words, panicking that she couldn’t do anything. “You...gone...you-”

“I’m so sorry, I had to go get you some medicine, okay?” Bellamy explains kissing the top of his head while the kid kept wailing in his arms-he seemed inconsolable, crying because he was confused and maybe in pain rather than just because his dad was gone-he was scared, too many things were happening all at once and he woke up delusioned in Clarke’s arms when the last thing he remembered was the coldness of the bathroom and Bellamy saying goodbye to him.

“What happened?” Bellamy asks when he lifts them up and starts walking around the room, gently swaying Gus in his arms, trying too sooth him, the kid wouldn’t stop crying, sobbing, his voice was hoarse as he kept wailing for his dad, even though Bellamy was already holding him.

“I don’t know, he just...we were sleeping and he woke up a minute or two before you came in. He was scared, I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t listen.”

“Dada! DADAAAA!” he kept yelling and sobbing in his arms, he was drooling on his chest and fisting his shirt with his tiny hands as he did so-it was exactly how he looked like as a baby when he was wailing for his mom after she’d been gone. 

“He’s scared.” Aurora chimes in, dropping all the food on the table and coming by Bellamy’s side, rubbing Gus’ back as well and calling out to him “Turn him over, like a baby, give him your finger to suck on.” she instructs and Bellamy has some trouble doing so but finally he manages to twist him around with much shooshing and reassurances and then as Gus keeps wailing and tossing so hard that Bellamy was afraid he may drop him, he shoved his index finger in his mouth and the kid suddenly stopped.

He started sucking on it, calming down.

“There you, there you go, good boy, I’m right here, alright? Just calm down, dad’s here, do you see me?” he asks and Gus’ eyes widen-up until that point he had no clue that he was in his father’s arm-he was just panicking, thinking they were passing him from one person to the other but now, now he was calming, breathing heavily and he was staring up ahead at his father with recognition.

“Dada?” he asks when Bellamy pulls his finger away once he’s sure he’s calmer. His body relaxes in his dad’s but it’s shaking from all the stress he’s just experienced. 

“I’m here, kiddo.” Bellamy promises and carefully walks to the chair by the table and sits them down, propping him up a little and kissing his forehead, his cheeks all over while also holding his hand and never really stopping the soothing little rocks of his arm. “You’re not alone, I’m here, grandma’s here and Clarke too.” he tells Gus and the kid looks around finding the others in the room as well. Aurora sits on the chair next to them and Clarke moves in bed but Bellamy doesn’t miss the way she coughs as she does so. 

“Do you remember what happened last night?”

“The...the electwicity stopped.”

“That’s right-” Bellamy knew a way of helping anxiety was to take the mind off the panic and talk about something “And dad had to go out to help fix it. I left you here with Clarke in the bathroom, do you recall that?” Gus nods a little and turns his head to Clarke.

“She kept me warm.” he said and Clarke smiled at his words softly, carefully standing up and picking Rainbow from the bed, staggering herself until she reached them and handed him the toy, which Gus wraps in his arms right away as he rests his head against Bellamy’s chest. 

Aurora sees how unstable she is on her feet, so she stands up and pushes a chair for her to sit on by Bellamy’s side. Now all three of them were essentially circled around Gus who was the middle of their tiny universe, in a desperate attempt to show him their love and that they weren’t going anywhere.

“You kept me warm too, sweet cheeks.” Clarke says rubbing his knee with her hand making him smile a little.

“Did you fix the engine, dada?”

“We sure did, son.” Bellamy says carefully “Do you not feel the warmth?”

“I guess...” Gus shrugs a little but shivers again in his arms and Bellamy looks at Clarke and his mom in panic. Clarke senses it and reaches to touch his elbow.

“It’s normal. He’d probably feel cold for a day or two until all senses come back to him.” she assures and Bellamy exhales a little even though he’s still scared.

“Do you hurt somewhere?” Bellamy asks him and Gus in a fashion much similar to his father, shrugs a little, making Clarke roll her eyes at the stubborn Blake men. “How about your foot? Your toes?”

“They huwt, yes.” he admits “What happened?”

“You got some frostbite on your toes and foot-” Clarke explains patiently as she leans closer to him “It happens when you’re in a really cold place like we were last night. I wrapped it up but your dad went to get more medicine so you can heel faster.”

“Will I lose my toes like Frankie, dada?” Gus asks confused, panic rising to his voice again “Will I get them cut off?”

“No!” Bellamy assures even though he has no way of knowing what exactly will happen “We just need to bandage them and make sure you stay off your leg for a while until you recover, okay?” Gus doesn’t seem too convinced, so Bellamy nods at his mom to take out the medicine and shows him the paste they got as well as all the bandages and how Clarke would fix him right up.

“Okay?” Bellamy asks.

“Okay...” Gus agrees and lets Clarke take off his sock and undo the bandage. His eyes get fixated on it so Bellamy calls out on him, forces him to look up. 

“Hey, it’s alright, it’ll be fine. I know it hurts a lot but you don’t have to hide-you can cry if it does. In fact, you need to tell us when you do so we can help out, okay?” Gus nods.

“You won’t weave, right?”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Bellamy promises.

“No work?”

“No, it’s a day off for us a all and I’ll have the next few off as well, so I can be with you and Clarke, okay?” Gus’ eyes lit up at that and he seems to feel a tad better when he hears it but he still buries his face in his dad and holds on tight while Clarke takes care of his foot.

When she’s undone the bandage and takes the paste Bellamy and Aurora bought Gus starts pulling his foot away whenever she touches him.

“It urts!” he cries out quietly “Dada, it urts.”

“I know, I know it does but Clarke has to put some cream on it to get better and you have to give her a moment, alright?” Bellamy insists holding his foot in his hand trying to prevent the kid from moving. “You have to be strong like when she gives you your vaccines, okay?” Gus whimpers and Aurora leans in too and reaches for his hand.

“Hey, you know your dad was hurt like this too.” she says softly and Gus stares at her curiously, forgetting for a moment what Clarke was doing even if his foot still jerked back involuntarily. 

“Weally?”

“Yes, he was still a baby and he cried a lot too but he got better.” Aurora assures “And you will to, my boy, I promise.” she leans closer and kisses his forehead “You just have to listen to what Clarke and dad say and you’ll be fine.”

“Okay...” Gus agrees and then looks up at Bellamy who’s nodding gratefully at his mom “But you won’t let me go, right?”

“Never.” Bellamy promises and holds him while Clarke separates his toes and has to gently cover each one with the paste. Bellamy can’t take looking at them-it just hurts him too much to see his son in so much pain, so he just focuses on holding Gus and talking to him, telling him a story about a greek god of war called Ares who was too angry for the world to handle. Gus was half-listening but his attention was on his dad despite feeling the pain and trying to get free of Clarke’s expert hands. When she’s done with the bandage he’s exhausted and he relaxes against his dad’s embrace, starting to doze off a little. 

“Now your leg.” Aurora tells Bellamy surprising both him and Gus. “Put it on the chair, let Clarke fix that bandage of yours.”

“But-”

“Dada, are you hurt?” Gus asks perking up a little, worry peppering his face and Bellamy throws his mom a look suggesting she really shouldn’t have said anything about this. Gus already had enough on his plate. 

“It’s just a scratch.” Bellamy lies stroking his head “Dad fixed it up himself.”

“Poorly, I’m sure.” Clarke huffs as she pats his leg “Move it up, I have to see it.” Bellamy groans frustrated and then stretches his leg out but the truth is that he can’t move it up on his own and he gives Clarke a look suggesting that he just can’t do it which breaks her heart. She carefully takes him by the ankle and moves him up making him groan in the process. It’s a little hard to maneuver himself, so that he can keep holding Gus and not be in any more pain than he already was but it worked somehow and when Clarke pulled his pant leg up and undid his bandage, Gus perked up a little and stared at his cut.

“Dada you and I both are huwt.” he says looking up and Bellamy nods as he cupped his cheek.

“Yes, we are.” Gus mwhms sadly and stares down at Clarke while she fixes Bellamy’s leg, cleans up the cut and mumbles about it needing stitches despite Bellamy refusing to admit so. He has to hold onto himself and not pass out when she starts piercing his skin with the needle but he still jumps a little much like Gus did when she was treating him. 

“Youw so stwong, dada.” he mumbles then “You don’t huwt.”

“Yes, I do, baby boy. I just am used to handling it.” Bellamy says when he rubs his nose against Gus’.

“Gus has to be laik that too.”

“No, you don’t.” Bellamy shakes his head sternly “I don’t ever want you to think you need to handle pain. You won’t be like me, okay?” Gus seems to be too tired to understand so he doesn’t answer, he just snuggles up in his dad’s chest and rests his tiny hand against his heart. “Hey...you hungry, little man? How about some food, huh?”

“No.” Gus shakes his head “Now hungwy.”

“Gus, you haven’t eaten since yesterday.” Bellamy scolds and Aurora reaches to cover Bellamy’s hand with her own.

“Neither have you. I’ll make him some formula, I think he’s too exhausted to eat anything else and I’ll wrap something up for you too.” 

“Mom, we-”

“And then you go to bed.” she insists and gives Clarke a look “He hasn’t slept in over a twenty hours.” she nods just as she’s wrapping up his bandage and moves her hands up to his knee.

“He’s also in pain.” she adds and Bellamy rolls his eyes and huffs at them worrying over him but when Clarke squeezes his knee and he jumps in his seat, stirring Gus in the process, making him cry out because he’s just fallen and was suddenly startled, Clarke almost regrets it.

Almost.

“Bed-” she huffs “Now!”

“Hey, you’re no better either, miss I’m-coughing-my-lungs-out!” he cuts her off as he rocks Gus up and down to sooth him and kisses his face all over to calm him down while Clarke helps him up and they start walking to the bed. 

“I’m just imitating mister I-already-hacked-my-lung-out.” he can’t help but laugh a little at that and of course it turns into a cough just as they settle down and Clarke pushes him and Gus against the pillows. The kid is wrapped up tightly in his dad’s arms, hands fisting his shirt and Bellamy is half sitting, half slumped on the pillows but she could see he too, was barely holding onto consciousness. 

While the night was awfully hard and horrible for Clarke, at least she and Gus got some rest, though the kid was exhausted now and nodded off on his dad’s chest, curled up in a baby-like position but she had actually no clue what happened to Bellamy, how he got hurt and the hell that he’s been this entire time.

She made a mental note to ask him all about it later. 

But for now she helped him lay down and covered him and Gus with their blankets.

“Clarke-” he reaches for her wrist and manages to clasp it in the last possible moment, pulling her back with sleepy tired eyes.

“What is it?”

“You should...you should...rest.” he mumbles, his voice barely a whisper, wind-like as he coughed a little but kept Gus tight in his embrace and adjusted the blankets on him.

Her heart warmed for him-despite it all he still put everyone else before him, even when he was barely awake, he wanted to make sure he’s fine.

“I’m good, I promise.”

“Clarke-”

“I’m fine, Bellamy. Nothing hurts and I’m actually warm enough now-I want to help your mom out. You have been working all night-just stay here with Gus and let us take care of you, okay?” he stares in her eyes for a long moment and then manages a small nod but not without adding.

“But after, you’re resting too, okay?” she smiles and reaches to cup his cheek, softly running her thumb under his tired eye. He leans into her touch like Gus leaned into him and it made her heart grow sizes. 

“When will you ever put yourself first, Bellamy Blake?” she whispers leaning closer and brushing her lips against his forehead. 

“Never.” he whispered back moving his hand up and wrapping them around her wrist again, mirroring her thumb movements on his own over her pulse before pulling it closer and giving her a small kiss there. “I’m not important.”

“You and I are going to fight about that when you’re better, okay?” he smirks.

“Can’t wait, princess.”she kisses his cheek before turning around only to find Aurora looking at them from her place near the stove as she stirred something in a pot.

Clarke immideately looked away blushing but she still commanded herself to be strong-they were after all, grown people, they couldn’t hide forever, so she willied herself to walk to Aurora and when she figured out the woman was warming up Gus some formula, she felt purpose-less and simply lingered there for a moment.

“I uh-” she began, feeling the sweat come down her back “Bellamy and I, we...”

“You’re together, I know.” when Clarke dared to take a look, she found Aurora smiling softly at her as she kept stirring the milk. She was surprised when she reached for a small jar full of a dark yellow-red substance and peppered Gus’ milk with it and she cocked her eyebrow at that. “Something to help his wounds heal faster and get him to sleep peacefully.” she explained and Clarke nodded, making a mental note to check on it later.

The Blakes and Factory overall had various little tricks when it came to healing their own wounds and she often wondered what some of the things in the tiny jars Aurora kept on the shelf above the sink were. One time she asked Bellamy and he simply said it’s spices but for healing or boosting the system yet he didn’t know the names of them, just what they do. When she asked them how they got them he shrugged and said-we pass them around. 

“Did he tell you?” Clarke asks in a whisper and Aurora nods.

“More like I am good at observing what’s happening around me, so I kind of guessed.”

“Aurora, I-” she reaches for her and squeezes her arm gently yet tight enough as she tried to prove her point.

“Don’t worry.” she looks into her eyes “I’m happy for him, for you.” Clarke relaxed under her warm smile “Couldn’t have asked for a better person to love my son.” Clarke blushed again but nodded solemnly, still somewhat shy.

“Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me-love is hard.” Aurora counters as she takes the milk off the stove and starts filling Gus’ bottle with it, twisting off the end carefully but then jostling the concotion up and down in her hand before settling it down, making the milk appear more yellow-like rather than white now. 

“Help me with the bread and the tomatoes, you guys have to eat.” she nods at the big loaf that was right before Clarke and she carefully undoes the white and red plaid towel it was wrapped up with. “Thin slices, this has to last you a few days, okay?” she warns and Clarke nods-she was still new to everything here.

Her Alpha upbringing made all thoughts about saving absolutely non-existant. The other day when she was trying to help Bellamy set dinner, she poured herself and him so much of the bean can that Bellamy’s eyes widened and he shook his head, standing up softly and taking half of his back in the can for tomorrow. He wouldn’t touch hers though she wanted to do the same but he simply squeezed her arm and told her to eat-she was weaker, she’d need time to get used to this way of life. 

And god did she feel bad-she never used to worry about food before or how much she ate, in fact she often couldn’t finish her big dinners and would send everything back on a trey outside that the hallway maids collected in the morning and brought back to mess hall. Sometimes she’d even throw bread or cheese away, or half her meal simply because she didn’t feel like eating it. 

Here everything was saved for later, carefully wrapped in towels, pieces of cloths to preserve it. Bellamy didn’t need a fridge-every night the electricity stopped, so if he needed something to stay cold he’d simply shove it in one of the cabinets under the sink but they mostly had cans that couldn’t go bad. 

Things like tomatoes and what resembled butter that Aurora got from somewhere, were rarity and appreciated as special-day meals.

“Put them here to warm it up.” Auora gestured at the still hot plate where Clarke managed to put three of her slices and she quickly figured the woman wanted to make some sort of toast for the boys. “Are you sure you’re up for it?”

Clarke ponders on the words-she knows that answering just like that wouldn’t be an honest answer and that maybe, in a way, Aurora was testing her too, to see what she’d say and if she’d admit to being ready even when she probably wasn’t.

“I don’t think anyone ever is.” she finally says back keeping her voice strong as she turns on the slices slightly darker on one side now “As you said, love is hard, relationships are hard, God knows ours won’t be any easy because of the places we both come, because of the circumstances but-” she glances at Bellamy and Gus’ soft figures and smiles, her eyes beaming and that gives Aurora all the answers that she needs “For them...I am willing to try.”

“You love him?” Aurora prods gently, motherly in a way Clarke’s never felt before-not in any accusing, warning or worried way but with warmth and support.

Clarke blushes when she looks up at her and nods slowly, There’s a beat and then Aurora places her hand on her shoulder squeezing it tight.

“Good. As I already told him, I couldn’t wish for a better person to have in his or Gus’ life.” Clarke blushes even more at that “Well, we have to teach you how to go around here since you obviously can burn even a toast.” Clarke suddenly remembers the bread and realizes it’s smelling worse, the hot plate was obviously too warm after being on for a while and she jumps in her place, reaches for the bread but Aurora pulls it away swiftly with her defty hands and transfers them on a plate. 

“Sorry.” Aurora waves her hand in the air and picks up the butter, spreading it evenly on all three slices.

“Have you talked about how you’ll tell Gus?” Clarke shakes her head at that while picking the tomatoes and cutting them in small halves per Aurora’s instructions. 

“We wanted to wait a little, give ourselves some time.” Aurora hmms at that and takes the small bowl of tomatoes from her, putting the tomatoes on top and reaching for more of her precious herb jars above the sink, some of which were obviously spices as she spread some on them and then added some jerky. 

“I think he’ll be happy.”

“Yeah?”

“He told me so.” Clarke whips her head in Aurora’s direction making the woman smile even brighter. “The other day at the playground, he said that having you home was nice and he asked me if one day you’ll be his new mom.” Clarke’s eyes fill with tears at that “I told him I didn’t know yet but if you were, would that be okay for him and he said yes, that he loves you and you’re very warm and kind.” 

“He...he really said that?” Aurora nods as she rubs her arm softly.

“Kid loves you, Clarke. Bellamy’s an amazing dad and I try my best but he’s always missed a mom. I’m not saying that you have to be one, that you need to fill in those shoes especially if you and Bellamy aren’t ready for it but just you being around, your presence...that means a lot to him.” she feels herself blush again and Aurora nods to her to grab the plate as she takes Gus’ bottle and two cups of tea as well as the cough syrup and they go to the bed where Aurora pushes a chair and places all of the stuff down there, essentially using it as a small table. “Come on now, make them eat, I’ll start on the laundry. Kid needs boxers or he’ll be walking around the house in his bare butt.”

“I’ll help too.” Clarke says but Aurora shakes her head and mouths “Later.” which Clarke isn’t too happy about seeing as she was already spreading herself thin and wanting to help her and learn more about how to do things around here in a way that doesn’t completely show off her privillege but for now she focuses on Bellamy and Gus.

She reaches out for Bellamy’s wrist and squeezes it softly.

“Hey-” he opens his eyes right away and it takes him a second to realize what’s happening but when he does, he smiles back and looks at Gus who’s asleep in his arms, face still buried in his chest. “Time to eat.” she points at the trey and picks up Gus’ bottle which he insists he takes on himself and gently pushes in the kid’s already parted lips. He starts sucking on it immideately obviously hungry again and Bellamy smiles as he watches him.

She doesn’t waste any time though and picks up his toast bringing it to his lips.

“Come on, you too.”

“No, we can wait.”

“We’re not waiting, come on, eat, you don’t have any color to you.” she insists but he still doesn’t open up and instead gives her a stubborn look.

“So what?  You feed me while I feed Gus? Am I a baby too?”

“Absolutely.” she cuts off and he groans which she uses as an easy way to shove the bread in his mouth and he takes in a good bite from it, munching from it in his sleepy tired state. “Good?”

“Great.” he slumps lower on the pillows as he keeps sneaking glances at Gus who every once and then would jump a little in his embrace or kick his good leg out. “He’s...I think he hurts.”

“I know...but it will pass, the paste will soothe his leg.” she assures “Come on now, more.” she doesn’t stop until he finishes his toast and he eyes the rest in the plate.

“You too-” he insists.

“No, first you.”

“Clarke-”

“Bellamy!” she grunts back “Two for you and one for me, okay?”

“No way!” he argues moving up a little making Gus whine at the sudden change of positions forcing him to immideately lay back down and keep the now almost empty bottle steady. “You have to eat too.”

“She will, I’m bringing in soup as well!” Aurora chimes in from her place still near the stove and Bellamy looks back at her, trying to argue but she shoots him a look that suggests he won’t win this and Clarke envies that she can actually do this where she still failed. 

Clarke crosses her arms and picks up the other toast as she takes the bottle away from him and tries to hand it over to him but his hands that are still blistered and burnt but now without any bandages probably because they shed last night while he was working, can’t hold onto it and he almost embarrassingly drops it. She grips his hand and takes it from him, feeding him herself again and she can tell he feels bad about it because this time he doesn’t protest, he simply grows quieter and munches on the bread and tomatoes that he seems to absolutely love. 

He never stops coughing but some of the color returns to his cheeks when he finishes his toast but then glares at her until she picks her own and starts eating too, refusing to keep on until she got some as well which made her heart clench with love. 

“Here you go, some of my famous corn and carrot soup for you and Clarke.” Aurora brings in two steaming bowls and pulls up another chair by the bed and reaches for him, touching his forehead and cheeks.”You’re a little warm.”

“It’s okay.” he says and watches her pass Clarke the cough syrup bottle and a spoon “No, we should keep this for Gus and you Clarke.”

“You need it most now.” Aurora insists and he opens up his mouth to fight again “This isn’t going to be an argument, Bellamy.” he grumps but when Clarke brings in the spoon to his lips he takes the syrup and is surprised when she pours him another, tries to fight her on it and has to be glared down by his mother again before he takes it too, very unhappily. Clarke almost laughs-he’s adorable, just as grumpy as Gus was when he had to wake up for school in the morning and she can’t help but smile at him.

“Okay, I’ve made enough to last you till tomorrow. Please all three of you eat well, okay?” she instructs as she stands up and swipes her hand through Bellamy’s curls in her typical motherly fashion after which she leans down and places a kiss on Gus’ forehead too. 

“You’re going?” Bellamy asks a little surprised but Aurora just nods curtly.

“I have clothes to mend, dresses to make. I’ll come by tomorrow again to check on you guys, okay?” he nods but seems worried about her and the fact she’ll go back to working while he was slacking, lying in bed doing nothing. “Don’t let him leave this bed, okay?”

“Great...now you’re all ganging up on me.”

“Damn right we are.” Clarke huffs as she adjusts the blanket “If we don’t, you’d be back to work tomorrow even if your boss gave you days off.” Aurora nods in agreement and kneels closer by his side.

“Bellamy, if I find out you’ve been pushing yourself when you clearly need the rest, I’ll come here and tie you to the bed myself, I don’t care what I have to do, do you hear me?” Clarke herself almost shivers at Aurora’s stern voice but she is aware that with her threatening him like this and him knowing she’ll follow through, he won’t argue about it and that puts her at ease-arguing with him about his well-being could be exhausting sometimes. “If you have to get up, you’ll use the crutch and you won’t strain yourself, okay?”

“She has to rest too, she did spent the night out in the cold for the first time.” he argues throwing the ball in Clarke’s yard making her grumpy in turn. 

“I swear, there are three children in this room, not just one.” Aurora smiles a little as she too squeezes Clarke’s arm and gives her a motherly look.

“He’s right, though, you rest as well, okay? I’ll come tomorrow.” and then before Clarke knew what was happening, she leaned closer and kissed the top of her head as well.

She blushes but it doesn’t feel awkward, on the contrary, it’s nice and it spreads a warmth through her that she had only known when her father hugged or kissed her.

It made her miss him too. The one thing from Alpha she was desperate for, was her dad. After Jackson and everything that happened with him, she only ever wished to be able to run into his arms and be held by him.

But this...here with Bellamy, it was good too. It was more than good really-she watches Aurora leave and then turns to him finding him observing her carefully, like he could read her thoughts and what was going on in her head. He reaches over and takes her hand, squeezing it briefly. 

“You okay?” she nods and shakes her head of all thoughts about her dad, taking in the soup bowl and bringing in a spoon to his lips. He’s not happy about it but lets her feed him though once she’s done he stays awake until she finishes her ration too, though he’s barely there.

“Come on...come here, let’s sleep.” he pulls her down once she places her bowl away and she willingly complies-she hadn’t really done anything today but the cold from yesterday left her exhausted. As if she has spend hours in the operating room saving lives. 

He puts Gus in the middle and she carefully adjusts on the inner side watching as he tugged the blankets over them. She didn’t miss the way he winced with every movement or how he still coughed despite the syrup but even as he fought his need for sleep that was pushing down at him hard, he reached over, cupped her cheek and pulled her close, right over Gus who's curled up between them on his side. 

“You okay?” he asks and her heart bursts again with love for him.

She can’t help herself, she moves closer and kisses his lips softly-she needs to taste him to show him how much she loves him and his eyes, god his eyes they were so deep, so full of warmth and love despite the cold reality of their world.

“I’m good.” she whispers back and she means it-despite everything so far, this is the first time, she realizes that they all go to bed fed and warm enough and strangely, though this life is new to her, though she’s went to bed in Alpha happy, content, warm and fed many times, she finds herself happier now than ever before. 

Maybe it had something to do with the man who had wrapped his arm around her waist, pulled her closer and kissed her forehead or maybe it was because of the little boy curled up between them sleeping soundly, droolng on his dad’s arm that he used as a pillow or maybe it was because of herself and the choices she’s made who didn’t, even after last night, feel wrong.

Chapter 40

Notes:

A/N: Marry Christmas to all of you who celebrate! This chapter is a small gift with which I want to express my gratitude to my readers. Thank you all for sticking with me and this story! For being patient and for loving Bellamy, Gus and Clarke as much as I do. I know I am slow to update because I get anxious when it comes to this story and because I've been more focused on writing my other one this year but I want you to know that I love it with all my heart!

Happy holidays!

Comments and kudos are much appreciated!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

The next few days go mostly smoothly or as much as they can, considering everything. Bellamy returns to work on Wednesday, though he could’ve had it off as well, simply because he had zero points in his ration card after spending more on cough syrup and extra bandages for Gus’ leg. Both Aurora and Clarke try to talk him out of it, let him have another day off, at the very least but he’s adamant.

Clarke knows he’s not okay-he still hurt and he hurt bad. His cough was only a little better but only because she forced him to drink the syrup three times a day despite him arguing with her constantly about it, but his back and his leg in particular, they were bad. The cut under his knee put even more of a strain on his walking abilities and despite having the brace on, he still used the cane or his crutch around the house.

He swallowed down all pain though, all because of Gus who...wasn’t doing well either.

The frost bite was healing, slowly but surely, as Clarke observed. She could wish it happened faster but it could’ve been from the lack of better nutritious food in his every day meals and the constant cold he was exposed to that his skin healed much slower than any case of frost bite should.

He wasn’t the only one, though. When all three of them had gone by the playground the other night, there were many other families, including Monty, Harper and Jordan who had suffered frostbite as well, worse than Gus even, that were struggling with their kids, helping them walk or mostly carrying them around-it broke her heart-all these young tiny souls, barely four or five and they were already in so much pain.

The playground looked more like a big quiet room with swings only swaying here and there and mostly consisting of concerned parents sitting next to each other with the kids on the benches, talking and exchanging strategies of how to help them, what paste to use or which pill to ease their pain, rather than a happy place for kids to run, scream, yell and just be...children.

It was much more a ghost town than anything else and it broke Clarke’s heart. 

The first few days they carried Gus around everywhere. Mostly Bellamy did, even though he should not be lifting anything heavy with that leg but the kid simply refused to let go of him. He’d wrap his tiny arms around his dad’s neck like a spider monkey and let Bellamy walk around the house with him like that all day long, even when they slept, he refused to let go. 

He couldn’t walk on his own at first but they had tried again last night and he had limped heavily. It was like what Clarke imagined learning how to walk again was before-Bellamy held him by his hands as Gus walked slowly between his dad’s ones.

Problem was neither was stable on their feet but Bellamy somehow kept on, for his son, he made his knee bend, he forced his leg to stay strong.

At first Gus had whimpered and refused to try anymore-it really did hurt him, Clarke knew from all she had read in her text books that frostbite hurt like hell, no matter the age. She had only treated one patient before with it but apparently in Factory it was a common thing that everyone had experienced at least once in their lives.

By now, she was pretty certain that Bellamy could’ve suffered some that unfortunate night too, but his skin had simply hardened and he didn’t feel it as much because when she changed the bandage on his shin, she noticed the redness of his toes too since his sock was miraculously off (or more like he didn’t have a clean pair since they were behind on laundry) and when she touched them he hadn’t felt much of anything. The tip of his fingers too were red and swollen, peeling a little but that could’ve been from the burns that were still healing and making his hands shake. 

They built a sort of routine since she knew that she can’t talk him out of going to work, she just had to do something to make sure she’s at least sending him off in a way he wasn’t hurting as much.

She started waking up early as well, checking his knee, helping him put his brace on, changing the bandages on his hands and wrapping his ribs, then giving him some cough syrup and forcing him to eat at least a toast and some biscuits. 

He hadn’t talked about work but she knew that something was different from before-he had started coming home more tired than he had before and he somehow had the rations to buy bread every other day as well as not just formula and the regular algae but more corn cans, beans and fruits and vegitables-a few tomatoes here, some oranges there and apples-the cheaper ones but they were something that she knew he couldn’t afford before.

She had also noticed Aurora stopped prodding him about it as well, which meant she probably knew what was going on and she was definitely not happy about it but somehow she tolerated it. Clarke had decided to let him come to her with it and not pressure him but she could see the mental and physical toll that he was suffering and she was worried.

He was barely dragging his skin in the evening and though he slept, she could see he was sadder, worried.

Part of it was because of Gus. In the past week since the accident on Level 2 and the unfortunate night they spent cuddled in the bathroom, he had grown quiet. Typically he was a shy boy out in the world, in day care and even on the playground but at home he was a blabbering happy cute little munchkin.

Now, though...now he wouldn’t utter a word. He just stopped talking or answered with only yes and no’s making everyone, including Clarke and Aurora worry. Clearly he’s been through something traumatic just like after the bombings when he had grown anxious and bursted out but now he was just...sad. He’d stopped eating too and if it wasn’t for Bellamy to patiently force him, he wouldn’t be convinced to try anything-not even the buscuits or chocolate that Aurora brought to try and boost his appetite.

Needless to say his feet hurt too and he’d spend his day sitting all the time-either in bed or in his chair. Bellamy insisted he still did homework-their teacher, miss Karen sent them tutorials on the old tablet Bellamy has had for ages, so Clarke went through things with him every morning.

Most children were still at home recovering anyway, so Gus wasn’t an exception-many parents were at home as well, suffering injuries like coughs and frostbite too, so they helped the kids out. The station was hit really hard after this particular electricity cut and every time Clarke went out with Bellamy and Gus on a short walk or to the mess hall, she could see people barely walking by, coughing all the time just like Bellamy, with various injuries, usually limping or clenching their hands to their chests in pain. 

It has been a week and the chancellor hadn’t done anything to help Factory medically-he still refused to reopen the small medbay office Clarke was running with Jackson or increase the rations or bring in medicine to the pharmacy which was by now almost empty safe for Tylenol. The only thing he did is let the electricty at night be cut to six hours instead of seven and he considered it a blessing. The Factory councilmen was an idiot who hid in his whole because he knew people were angry and never did anything to fight for their rights-in result, people were not just hurting, but dying. An old neighbour on Bellamy’s hallway had passed just last night from the exposure and the bad cough she had and Aurora whispered that one of her coworkers, a woman a little older than her had too passed out and died yesterday morning on their way there.

And Clarke.

Clarke wasn’t just angry. She was furious. 

But she’s also never felt more helpless.

Even at home she could do little for both Bellamy and Gus. She knew Bellamy was tough and by now used to his pain but watching Gus suffer...watching this tiny adorable kid who loved the world and took on it with his pure big heart wake up at night, moan and clench his dad’s shirt as he cried quietly...

That broke her.

She fiercely wanted to protect him, to be there for him and he let her-he liked when she tutored him and drew with him. He sat fascinated in her lap and asked for different animals she’d outline for him to color but he was still quiet and barely talkative. Making him eat was an effort she couldn’t succeed in and one that even Aurora failed in whenever she passed by.

But when Bellamy came home, that was a whole different thing-Gus would perk up a little and immideately throw his hands in the air and ask to be picked up. He’d wrap around him and refuse to let go-he could even be coaxed to eat or at least finish his bottle of formula. Bellamy would sit with him and watch him draw or read to him and he’d get calmer, fall asleep easier but he was still quiet, small, sad.

It broke all their hearts.

Now that Bellamy was opening up the door of the small appartment, Gus immideately turned his head to his dad who came in limping and tired-face covered in dark machine oil as well as most of his jumpsuit, his hair a mess sticking to his head, his fingers covered in bloody cuts.

But Gus didn’t care about any of that, he smiled a little and so did his dad. Aurora, who had come by to show Clarke some stitching tricks and brought her clothes to mend (which Bellamy disagreed with), looked up at them curiously.

“Hello, everyone.” he said as he closed the door behind him and carried the brown cloth bag filled with food on the table, taking off his jacket and reaching for Gus who was already begging for him. “Hey, little man.”

“Dada!” he almost moaned as Bellamy picked him up and he immideately wrapped his arms around his neck “Dada!”

“Hey, baby boy.” Bellamy stroked his head and peppered his face with kisses “Dad’s missed you.”  Gus leans his head on his shoulder and rests in his arms as Bellamy kisses the top of Clarke’s head and squeezes Aurora’s shoulder. 

“Hey.” Clarke whispers as she looks up at him while he carefully slides down on the chair Gus was occupying and immideately stretching his bad leg out. 

“You’re dirty.” Aurora comments “You should really clean before taking him in.”

“If you have any ideas about making him let go, I’m all ears, mom.” he says lightly, not a trace of annoyance in him, only worry and Clarke doesn’t miss how his hand never stops running up and down Gus’ back. “How was your day?”

“Good. We studied some, then I gave him a bath, then he watched some cartoons and drew.”

“Lunch?” Clarke shakes her head.

“He wouldn’t.” she whispers “Your mom tried too.” he nods and rocks the kid up and down a little before pulling away some. Gus keeps playing with the straps of his jumpsuit instead of looking at him and Bellamy just takes the time to hold him, let him know he’s here now and he’s safe, kiss his forehead again, smile at him, run his hand down his curls and clear his forehead so that he could look into his eyes.

“How was your day, buddy?”

“It was good.” he mumbles quietly, barely audible.

“Did you do your homework?” Gus nods as he keeps playing now with the zipper of his jacket “I hear you haven’t eaten again. You must be hungry?” Gus shakes his head.

“No, dada.” Bellamy drops his hand to his stomach and covers it whole, then leans into it and pretends to listen.

“Hm...I think your tummy disagrees.” he says “It just told me it’s empty, huh?” Gus looks up and smiles a little and Bellamy rubs his nose against his. Then tickles his sides a little and Gus squirms but fights his chuckles “Am I right?”

“No, dada.” he answers but he’s fooling around out of sheer stubborness by now.

“Are you sure, wait-let me see, oh, what was that tummy?” he pulls Gus up on his feet on his thighs and leans his ear to his sides and Gus wiggles in his arms, smiling a little, holding himself by wrapping his tiny fingers in Bellamy’s curls to steady his weak composture “Oh, oh what’s that Mister Tummy? Do I hear that you’re...you’re hungry?”

“Dada!!!” Gus wiggles but he’s laughing now, for the first time today, it sounds honest, sweet, like his old self. “Dada, no!”

“No, you say little Gus?” Bellamy asks perking up at little and Gus shakes his head.

“No, dada! No hunwgy!”

“Hmm-” he presses his ear to his tummy again “But I can hear Mister Tummy complain, he needs oh what is that? You want milk? Or maybe...some biscuits?”

“No, dada.” Gus shakes his head and Bellamy pulls up his shirt and pats his stomach that had blown out a little from the lack of proper meals, making Gus’ ribs stick out by his sides and Clarke wince-it wasn’t anything you wanted to see on a child and she knew Bellamy’s eyes darkened at it too, in a much angrier manner. 

“No?” Bellamy asks surprised and looks up at Gus who’s eyes are still sad but there was a sweet honest smile to his face that made Clarke’s heart clench again. “What if I told Mister Tummy and Mister Gus that I bought home something special?” he asks and reaches over to unwrap the cloth bag he always used for groceries revealing a small bottle of what Clarke knew by now was Algae refined oil, Factory’s only means of cooking any meal-it came in bottles sometimes or small metal jars looking like a white snow cream concotion in those cases, making it one of the most precious possessions in every appartment, as well as a small package of salt and some spices and...a bag of potatoes.

Now that made Aurora’s eyes widen as much as Clarke’s had-potatoes were expensive, maybe one of the most expensive goods in Factory coming even above the jerky they could only buy so much of and chocolate, which ration points had fallen since Alpha’s production of it increased during this part of the season. If Bellamy had managed to afford not just one but a small bag of what was about 6-7 potatoes that in reality wasn’t that much but was a lot for Factory, then it meant he had either agreed to work an extra day this weekend or had already done something stupidly dangerous to earn this neither of which she liked as an option.

“POTATOES!” Gus had exclaimed mouth agape, clapping his hands for a moment, happy at what he was seeing. “Dada, that’s potatoes!”

“I know, son.” Bellamy smilled kissing his tummy again, making him squirm in his arms “How would you like it if dad fried some tonight and put the special tasty herbs or added grandma’s sause, huh?” Gus was already nodding. It seemed that every Factory’s child favorite meal was french fries in comparison to Alpha’s pizza’s, burgers or donuts that most of the Factory population hasn’t even tasted once in their lives. “Would Gus like that?”

“Yes, dada, pwease!”

“Okay, come here now, give dad a big hug!” Gus threw himself in his arms again, wrapping his hands tightly behind his neck and his legs on both his sides that were still bruised even if a little better, mumbling a quiet “Thank you, dada.”

“You’re welcome, big boy.”

“You’re spoiling him.” Aurora mumbles quietly when she comes by his side and picks up the products, leaving the remaining contents of his bag on the table.

“Mom, wait, I’ll make them.” but Aurora simply waves her hand and shakes her head at him. 

“You’re barely standing on your feet as it is, just get some rest.”

“Mom, I-”

“I know you can do this, I know you can take care of your son, but right now, I’m telling you that you can simply sit there and be with him and Clarke while I make the french fries, okay?” he grumps at that but lets her run her hand through his curls, lean down and kiss the top of his head motherly. 

“You’re spoiling me now too.” he mumbles.

“What choice do I have, you’re my son.” she jokes but Clarke can see how warm and motherly it sounds still but she doesn’t prod about how he got it even if Clarke knew she was surprised too and decides she’ll be the one to ask later. Bellamy smiles, keeps rubbing Gus’ back until the boy slips from his arms, turns in his lap and picks up his drawing again. 

“What’s that, buddy?” he asks as he stretches out his hand and gestures for Clarke with his other hand to scoot closer, which she does by moving her chair next to them and letting him sneak a hand to her waist and pull her in for a brief hug as she carefully, secretly kisses the side of her head and rubs his nose against her forehead as Gus focuses on his drawing. 

“Clarke dwew me a tigew.” he mumbles as he picks up one of his pencils, the small pack that Clarke had bought him so many moons ago at the black market visit before she and Bellamy were anything close to what they were now and colors the body of the animal in orange. 

“Looks really nice.” Bellamy comments as he keeps swiping the curls away from his forehead. “What else did you do today?” Gus shrugs a little, going back to his quieter self and Bellamy exchanged a worried look with Clarke “What did you and Clarke learn?”

“We read about the Earth before...pwant and animals.”

“Did you like it?” Gus nods but doesn’t elaborate “What about reading? Did you guys read the poems miss Karen sent you? Did you practice on your letters?” Gus nods and this time moves up from his place, pushing some of the papers aside and picking up his only notebook-a blue one with his name meticiously written in block letters by his father, before opening it up and stopping at the last page Gus wrote in, showing him practicing the letters K and H in both cursive and regular handwriting and Bellamy’s chest swells with pride at how good his son was doing. 

“Much better than my ugly blocks, wouldn’t you say, little man?” Gus looks up and smiles some.

“They’re not ugly, dada.” he whispers “I like them.”

“Thank you, my boy.” he kisses his forehead again “Dad’s proud of you, this is really beautiful.” Gus blushes a little and looks down at his work again, much like his dad, bad at accepting a compliment and shrugging a little. 

“Gus messed up a wittle hewe-” he points at a shaky line on the letter H he did and Bellamy’s heart clenches in pain-he always thought that he had to be perfect in everything, it was a quality Gina possessed-her stubborn perfection into her work, much more consistent than his haphazard yet good mechanic work, though he wasn’t far behind-he too strived to be his best, for his family, for his coworkers, but he usually failed at it and hated that Gus felt like he has to perform at the highest level every time even though he was already amazing at his studies and progressed beyond any of his peers.

“No, you didn’t.” Bellamy assured “It’s great work.” Gus shrugs a little again, not truly believing him and Bellamy looks up at Clarke for support.

“He read a few sentences on his own today.” she praises sliding her hand on Gus’ back, softly rubbing it up and down. Behind them Aurora had already cut the potatoes and the room was starting to smell like fry potatoes which in turn made Clarke’s mouth water. 

“He did?” Bellamy looks up surprised before turning back to his boy “Did you do it, little man?” Gus doesn’t look up again, just nods a little “Which book did you read from?” Gus looks around the table again and moves up to grab the small hand-made book that Clarke had given him for his birthday that was 'The Giving Tree' which he had fallen in love with and asked his dad or Clarke to read it to him all the time. “Of course...your favorite at the moment.” Gus goes back to his drawing and now does the tiger’s stripes-he’s back to his quiet and sad self, refusing to really talk but never really letting go of his dad “Do you want to read some to dad?” Gus ponders for a moment, stops drawing and looks up briefly at his dad with his big sad brown-green eyes.

“Mawbe water?”

“Okay, we’ll do it later.” Bellamy strokes his head again and turns his attention back to Clarke. “Did he try to walk today?”

“Some...but he was in pain so he only took a few steps really.” she explained sadly “I need to change the bandage again but he doesn’t want me to unless you’re here too.” Bellamy knew that-Gus would only ever let Clarke look at his toes if Bellamy was here, so they changed it mostly in the morning and later in the evening when he came home.

“Okay, let’s do that now, shall we?” Clarke nods in agreement and Bellamy picks Gus up and turns him around, so they’re face to face. 

“Hey, little fella, we have to take care of your foot now, okay?” he says and Gus’ look changes from indifferent and sad to scared but he purses his lips and nods. “I’ll be here the whole time, alright? Then we’ll eat fries and play some, okay?” Gus nods, shoving his fingers in his mouth like he did when he was both hungry and nervous and let his dad put him sitting on the table. 

Clarke rubs his forearm gently, whispers that everything will be okay before she brings in her small bag of supplies that consisted of old cloth pieces turned bandages, the frostbite cream, some antiseptic and a needle and a thread that Gus thankfully didn’t need now. 

Bellamy takes off the slippers Gus used at home as well as the two pairs of socks to keep him warm enough and the kid shivers as he does that but says nothing. 

“You know what else dad got you today?” he asks Gus and the boy shakes his head, still munching on his fingers nervously. “A special something for a good boy.” Bellamy explains and Gus’ eyes grow sizes at it, the barest of excitement sparking in his eyes that follow his dad’s movement to the bag and watches him take out a small grey box. 

“Dada?” he asks confused when Bellamy carefully places it in his hands.

“Look up.”

“My birthday passed, dada.” he whispers back. “Gus don’t get mow pwesents now.”

“It’s not a present, it’s more like something you need which dad got you for when you go back to day care or the playground with us.” Gus seems confused but under his dad’s nudging look he opens up the box and Clarke sees a pair of new shoes, a size bigger than the one Gus was previously wearing. She knew that his old ones were torn up at the soles and too small for him. Bellamy had tried to duck tape them to secure them into a semi-decent condition but he’s been hoping to get him a new pair for months now.

And he finally had suceeded.

Only she had no idea where he got the rations for it and she was starting to worry.

“Shoes!” Gus exclaims, clearly very happy  with it. His hand hovers over them as if they’re the most precious possession but he doesn’t dare pick them up or take a better look at them. “But dada...how did you do it?” he asks and Bellamy rubs his thighs gently.

“Dad worked on fixing this special engine and he managed it so he got extra ration points.” it’s a lie or at least a half-lie, Clarke’s sure of it and even Gus seems a little surprised because he adds.

“Would you have to work Saturday again to make up fow it?” Bellamy nods with a sad smile.

“Yes, but only half a day and we can spent the afternoon together.” Gus nods more seriously now, he’s somewhat feeling both happy and sad at the same time and Clarke and Bellamy can both see it because they exchange a look before Bellamy speaks up again.

“What is it, buddy? Don’t you like them?” he asks “They’re easy to put on, no shoeslaces and they’ll fit you right up, I promise.” Gus shakes his head.

“It’s not dat, dada.” Bellamy waits a beat but Gus doesn’t add anything so he prompts him.

“Then what is it, big boy?”

“I just...wish you didn’t work that hard fow Gus.” 

“Oh, son-” Bellamy pulls him up to his chest and holds him tight “I don’t work as hard, I promise. I just want you to have all the things you need because I love you.”

“I love you too, dada.” Gus whispers when they pull back “But Gus pwefews you home on Satuwday than...shoes.” Bellamy’s eyes fill up and he pulls Gus into a tight hug again. They loved each other so much it was breaking Clarke’s heart and she noticed that Bellamy got teary himself and brushed his eyes away before he faced Gus again.

“I’ll keep that in mind, big boy, I promise.” Gus smiles a little at that and stares down at the shoes once more.

“I like them, dada.”

“You do?” Bellamy asks hope returning to his voice after he worried that this isn’t what would make Gus at least a little bit happy and the kid nods eagerly “Maybe later when Clarke changes your bandages we can walk some with them around the room, huh? Or down the hallway?” Gus kind of folds into himself at that and shrugs with uncertainty.

“Gus don’t know, dada.”

“You have to start walking again, Gus. I know it will hurt at first but Clarke says you’re healing fine, so with time, it will get easier, alright?” Gus doesn’t answer just keeps his head bowed down and Bellamy sighs, once again running his hand down his head and pulling him close to give him a small kiss on the forehead before removing the shoes from his lap and giving Clarke a small nod “Okay, let’s do this.”

“Can I have Wainbow too?” Gus asks and Bellamy whispers a small “Of course” before he stands up and limps to the bed where he fishes out the colorful stuffed giraffe Clarke gave him when he was last that sick. She loved that he was enjoying the stuffed toy so much that he wouldn’t really go anywhere without it. 

Bellamy lets him wrap his arms around it and push it close as Clarke approaches him and starts undoing the older bandage.

There was some blood on it from the big toe that had peeled the most hurt Gus worse than the others and Bellamy winces when he sees it, giving Clarke a concerned look but she shakes her head.

“It’s okay, it’s normal.” she promises but he doesn’t think any of what was happening to them was ever normal. He grits his teeth and tries to calm his anger down by simply giving her a nod in agreement, yet she squeezes his wrist before she takes a look at Gus’ toes. They definitely looked better than before but Bellamy couldn’t keep his eyes on them much as it hurt his heart and this was his child...his baby boy, who was in pain because the electricy went off for over twelve hours. 

He focuses on Gus instead and he notices that he’s squeezing Rainbow really hard and burying his face in the toy, trying not to cry as Clarke applied the cream paste and praised him for doing so well. 

Something in his chest twists and he takes Clarke’s hand in his gently stopping her.

“Wait a moment, will you?” he asks of her and she nods despite being surprised by his interruption “Gus, will you look at me, son?” he asks and it takes a moment before Gus unwraps himself from his tight grip around the toy and looks up, resting his chin atop Rainbow’s head. “Are you trying not to cry because of us?” Gus ponders a little and avoids his dad's eyes

“Gus, please look at me-” Bellamy insists, using his serious dad voice now that Clarke knew Gus never argued against and indeed now the kid looks up all big bright eyes filled with pain and misery “I know you hurt now, son, but if you’re trying to hide your pain away from us to protect us, you don’t have to do it, do you understand me?” Gus furrows his little eyebrows at his dad’s explanation “You don’t need to be strong all the time, okay?”

“Why not?” he counters surprising both Clarke and Bellamy “You do it all the time, dada.”

“That’s not true, Gus.”

“Yes, it is. You hide pain. You huwt all the time but you don’t cry.” Gus continues, raising his voice a little and Clarke hears Aurora turn around too, probably worried when she heard the argument but the pan was still sizzling which meant her focus was elsewhere. “You never cwy.”

“Of course I do.” he insists “I cry all the time when it hurts me too much.” Gus doesn’t seem convinced so Bellamy continues “I just don’t do it when you’re here because I don’t want you to worry, but I cry, you can ask grandma and Clarke, they have seen me.” Gus looks at Clarke who nods a little. “You can’t swallow your pain down, Gus.” Bellamy insists “If you do...it will turn into this dark horrible thing that you carry inside you all the time. It’s like...a monster of sorts, that makes you angry and sad. And I know you’re sad now, son and it’s okay to be sad too just...I need you to know that you can cry or whimper or scream if it’s too much and not be ashamed to do so, okay?”

Gus ponders on it for a moment.

“But you’re so strong, dada.”

“There’s strength in the tears too, there’s strength in showing your pain, okay?” Bellamy keeps on and Gus, the smart boy that he was, seems to be thinking over his words and letting them sink in a little “I’m sorry that I made you think otherwise. I’m sorry that you thought you have to just take it all the time without showing any emotion. That is not the right thing.”

“You really cwy?” Gus asks carefully.

“Yes I do.”

“It urts you?” Gus asks again and Bellamy nods “It urts you like it urts me?”

“Yes.” Bellamy admits and feels like they’re finally making some break through after all the days since the accident. Gus needed to have this conversation, obviously, as painful as it was. 

“Dada-” he asks next and Clarke uses the distraction of their conversation to wrap his toes and foot gently. “Will I...Will Gus limp forever like you?” she suddenly stops her work upon hearing that and feels Bellamy freeze next to her. 

She watches him clench his jaw in a desperate attempt to probably force himself not to break down as he looked into Gus’ sad eyes and then finally cleared his throat and spoke up.

“No, son. Where did you get this idea?” Gus shrugs a little. “You will heal, you already are healing, you will be okay. It is not a permanent thing, alright?”

“And it will stop hurting?”

“Yes, it will, Gus. It will all go away and you will walk like before.” he turns to Clarke and adds “Right?”

“Absolutely.” Clarke promises as she finishes his bandage and pats his knee “You will recover, Gus.” it seemed like depiste them already talking about it and telling him everything will be alright, he didn’t believe it, especially since it took him longer to heal up “You need to try and walk and eat, though, okay? Your body needs the strength to help the wounds close faster so your toes feel better, alright?”

“You’ll try to eat for us, right, Gus?” Bellamy asks and the kids nods. 

“Gus just don’t feel much like it, dada.”

“I know, but you need to.” Gus ponders a little, seemingly still lost in thoughts and Bellamy prompts him “Do you have other questions? Something you want to ask us?”

“If Gus gotta eat mow to get better...does that mean if you eat mow your leg will heal too, dada?” Bellamy winces at that and bows his head down for a moment feeling Clarke’s hand on his elbow squeezing it tightly. 

“It doesn’t really work like that, Gus.” Clarke answers for him but Bellamy gives her a look suggesting that he’s got that.

“My injury is different, Gus.” he tries explaining “It can’t really...get better, okay?” Gus’ face falls at that and his eyes well with tears which makes Bellamy wince “But that’s why I got Clarke here and grandma and you too, helping me out when I’m tired or in pain, okay?” Gus doesn’t seem to like this answer.

“You’ll always huwt then, dada?” he asks and Bellamy swallows hard.

“I...yes, I will.” Bellamy admits, not really wanting to lie to his son after everything they’ve been through. “But I will be okay. It’s not always that hard, it doesn’t always hurt.” he lies and Clarke knows that he does but she just doesn’t have it in her to say anything so she just looks away for a moment trying to compose herself.

“Dada...” he begins again but stops himself as if wondering wheather or not he should actually keep going “You got huwt because...because that group...wanted better things for us?”

“Yes...yes that’s right.” Bellamy answers, furrowing his eyebrows a little, not sure that he gets where Gus was going with that “But we’ve talked about how what they did wasn’t the right way, remember?”

“Because they bombed the squawe?”

“Yes.”

“And others got huwt...not just Alpha or wolves but us too?” Bellamy nods. 

“They didn’t have the right...the right approach, the better way of doing things. Remember how we’ve talked that when someone teases you at school, you can’t fight back, you have to be smart and strong, defend yourself in other ways, maybe using your words, rather than your fists?” Gus nods a little but his mind is obviously somewhere else.

“They were...killed those people, right, dada? Floated?” Bellamy nods and Gus keeps staring somewhere at the floor before he speaks up again “And me and my fwiends and Jowdan too...we got huwt because electricity stopped?”

“Yes, that’s true.”

“But...electricity stops every night, right?” Bellamy nods again “But only in Factory and Farm, not in Alpha. It was warm when we were in Clarke’s place.”

“Yes, son.” then Gus finally looks up and stares into Bellamy’s eyes, confusion but also frustration written all over his face.

“Why, dada?” he asks and Clarke sees Bellamy’s hands fall to his lap and him swallow hard “Why is it bad for us but not for them?” Clarke didn’t envy Bellamy right now-how does he exlpain to a four year old kid who’s just coming to realize what it means to actually live in Factory?

“It’s...it’s complicated, Gus.” Bellamy says not sure how to continue really and Clarke sees with her periphery vision that Aurora takes the pan off the hot plate and brings in three steaming plates of french fries covered in some herbs with her special kutchup-like sauce on the side, placing them before them.

“Gus-” she calls him out as she sits down on the only empty chair and smiles softly at her grandson, reaching out to cup his cheek “You know your dad used to ask me the same questions you’re doing now and I didn’t always know how to answer.” he looks at her curiously and Bellamy exhales a little at her intervening as well, not sure he could’ve handled it on his own. Clarke herself had absolutely no idea what to say to Gus’ question either and she, least of all, could explain how come Alpha was so much better off than Factory. “I used to ask my dad too why we starved while Alpha thrived back when I was your age.” Aurora continues patiently.

“Weally?”

“Yes. And the truth is...the more you grow up the more you’ll ask yourself these things and why certain stations are worse off than others. That is after all what these people who bombed the square were trying to understand too and provoke the chancellor to change it.”

“But he didn’t?”

“No, he didn’t. It only got worse for us because violence is not the way.” Aurora continues “You remember how you learned about the stations coming together for the Unity Days celebrations, right?” Gus nods reaching out mindlessly to pick up a french fry and pop it in his mouth, which made Bellamy very happy and he pushed the plate closer to Gus, who immideately reached for another before having even chewed the first one properly. 

“They all came to be from diffewent contwies that inhabitit the Eawth?”

“That’s right. And countries back then were much like what the Ark is now-some were poorer than others, some had doctors and others didn’t, some had electricity and others only used candles.” Gus ponders about that for a while.

“But the stowy says that when the Ark came togethew we were all to be the same.”

“That’s right, son-” Bellamy chimes in now too as he watches Gus stuff his mouth with the potatoes and feels his heart finally ease a little in his chest. He wouldn’t touch that plate, wouldn’t eat for days if it meant his son would go back to his healthier habits.”But it didn’t really work that way.”

“It’s not faiw.” Gus finally says after thinking a little bit on his dad and grandma’s words “Rait, dada?”

“No, it isn’t, son but...there is hope.” he looks up at Clarke and his mom.

“Howpe?”

“Yes. We may not be able to change the system but we can still fight it and not in a violent way like the Arrowheads. People...change-there are kind and decent men and women on Alpha, like Clarke-” Gus turns to her and she smiles at him, rubbing his leg up and down softly “They understand the inequality and want to help us. There are kinder guards too, not all of them are wolves. There are...people who try their best despite the way our system works to erase the line separating us.” Gus looks up at his dad and he leans down to kiss his forehead “Dad tries too, even if he isn’t too great at it. One day...I hope for you to be able to do the same-to help others or work something that you enjoy but that helps everyone regardless of their station.”

“I will, dada.” Gus says enthusiastically “Gus will be a doctor!” he exclaims patting his now greasy, covered in spices hands, his adorable face messy with the red sause but his eyes beaming with a light that hadn’t been present in the past week. “Gus will help othews laik Clarke.”

“Whatever you want, son.” Bellamy assures rubbing his head softly and pushing him to his chest “Dad, grandma and Clarke-” he looks up at her with another smile “We’ll always be here to support you, okay?”

“Awkay, dada.”

“Never let your spark go out, kid. Always remember to be kind, to be good. No matter how hard it gets, this is what matters, do you understand?” Bellamy adds and Gus turns around a little covering his chest with his tiny hand and smiling some.

“Like you, dada?”

“I’m not always right or good, but I try. I don’t want you to be like me, Gus-” at that the kid furrows his eyebrows a little in confusion and Bellamy pushes the curls away from his forehead “I want you you to be yourself, okay? To make your own path in life and do what you feel is right in your heart.” he pats Gus chest next and the kid looks down at his dad’s patched up finger on himself. “Even if what you want disagrees with my opinion.”

“Awkway, dada.” Gus agrees and Clarke smiles as she watches them-Bellamy loved his boy so much it was unreal but Gus too adored his dad to the point where watching them have a conversation like this brought Clarke to tears and she had to look away and brush at them a little, hoping no one would catch her even if she did notice Aurora giving her a look.

“Now you won’t get to do any of this if you don’t eat, so come on, dad wants to see you finish this plate.” Bellamy turns his attention back to the food and Gus picks up another potato from the half-destroyed plate.

“What about you,dada?”

“Dad will eat too, here-” he picks one and munches on it but Clarke and Aurora exchange a look, knowing well-enough he’s simply trying to distract the kid, so Clarke moves her chair closer and elbows him in the ribs a little, pushing her plate in his direction.

“You won’t get away with this, Bellamy. You eat too.” she insists. He rolls his eyes in pretend annoyance but sneaks his hand to hers and squeezes her fingers.

“And you won’t get away with it either, princess.” he whispers seriously.

“Dada, when we eat can we play doctow some?” Gus asks almost finishing his plate and looking up at both Clarke and Bellamy whose faces were so close and itching for a kiss but that split away the moment the kid turned his attention back to them. Sneaking around was harder than they had thought and the only time they could kiss and hold each other or...like this morning when Bellamy pumped her in with his fingers after moving Gus to his own bed, were...a rarity. Especially in this past week when Gus insisted he slept with them, refused to let go of his dad and only after he was sound asleep could they move closer and kiss or simply hold each other. It’s not that Gus was a burden, on the contrary, Clarke loved waking up feeling his warmth and small soft baby breath on her neck, it was that they had to hide it from him. In a way there was a thrill in it but mostly Clarke and she was sure Bellamy too, wanted to be free in expressing their emotions.

They knew they had to talk to him soon about it, but they were being patient in and had decided to wait until he recovers and feels a little better before they shook his already unstable world.

“Yes we can, sweet face.” Clarke answers for Bellamy who is too stunned at the kid’s request, finally seeing some of his old behavior reappear and being utterly lost at words “In fact, you can help me take a look at dad and his leg, listen to his lungs and check his cough, how about that?”

“Yes, Clarke, Gus will help!”

“What are you two now-ganging up on poor old me?” Bellamy jokes as he buries his nose in Gus’ curls and rubs against his head while his fingers move to his sides and tickle him. His plate was now empty and Bellamy carefully nudged the other one in his direction, hoping the kid would eat more while his mom shook her head at him while fixing a shirt that she had brought over for Clarke to mend. She had been coming every day, showing Clarke some stitches and bringing in clothes for her to work on as a way of getting rations on her behalf too. She still didn’t have an ID, Bellamy knew it’d be months probably before the Ark approved of one, if they did, but she got at least temporary papers that he had brought in the other night which didn’t guarantee or give her any privilleges but at least she wasn’t an absolute ghost in this station.

They stated she applied for citizentship in Factory station but he knew that in cases like hers the paperwork was dragged on purpose, so people who were punished the way she was, would have no way of receiving rations or working at all. If she was to marry someone then the documents and new IDs would be done the same day but now...now he knew Alpha was going to drag this for as long as they could, leaving Clarke helpless.

Well...not totally helpless, he was here and so was Aurora. She brought her clothes and with the rations Clarke earned she earned a bowl of algae which was something in these conditions. He knew Clarke wasn’t happy about it, she always wanted to do more, to be of a better help to them and despite his reassurances he knew she felt bad.

And he had every intentions of changing it or at least convincing her that things will look up, they just needed time. 

Just as Bellamy is about to force Clarke to eat some too, there’s a knock on the door and all three of them jump in their seats a little. Gus immideatelly wraps his arms around his dad’s neck in a dead-defying grip and Bellamy glances at his mom who furrows his eyebrows.

“Are you expecting someone?” she asks and Bellamy shakes his head when the knock continues, frantically, reminding him of the guards that forced themselves into his home and beat the crap out of him in front of his son.

“Dada!” Gus whimpers in his ear and Bellamy simply wraps his arm tight around the kid as he forces himself up on his feet.

“Don’t worry, kiddo, everything will be fine.”

“Bellamy-” Clarke tries too but he shoots her a look.

“Stay where you are, princess.” it doesn’t come as an order, more like a plead, hoping she won’t be stubborn enough to try and fight him on it and thankfully though she was half-up, she recognizes the desperation in his voice and sits back down.

Bellamy carefully walks to the door and wraps his arm around the handle.

Chapter 41

Notes:

A/N: As usually, I apologize for taking so much time to update-every time I do, I get a little anxious because I'm closer to coming to this important part that I'm afraid to post and to the point at which I've got written up ahead. I've mostly been writing for my other fic in the past year or so but I try to work on this inbetween as well as a few other ideas I have.

Comments and kudos are much appreciated!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake.

“Who is it?” he asks feeling Gus tremble in his arms and whimper a little. Poor kid was terrified of anyone coming to their door who wasn’t his grandma or any of his friends from school.

“Bellamy, it’s Harper!” he hears his friend’s voice and exhales a little, bowing his head down for a second “Please, open up!” 

“It’s okay, kid.” he whispers in Gus’ ear as he rubs his back up and down with his big hand “Just Jordan’s mom, it’s fine.” the boy doesn’t relax until Bellamy pulls the door open and he carefully peaks at it, finding indeed, his friend’s mom there, looking up at Bellamy with the most worried expression on her face. 

“Hey, Harper, what’s going on?” their friend looked flustered, hands shaky and eyes wide with fear.

“Is Clarke home?” she looked around but Bellamy was too broad for her to actually glance in the room “Can I come in?”

“Of course, sorry, we were just having dinner.” he apologizes as he moves away and lets her in, Clarke was already up on her feet and rushing to them.

“What’s up? Are you okay?” Clarke asked right away as Harper reaches for her with trembling hands that Clarke takes in and squeezes hard “Is it Jordan? Does his hand hurt?”

“We uh...we need your help.” she says and only now does Bellamy notice that some of her shirt sleeve was painted with a deep dark red. Someone had been bleeding. Bellamy looks at Aurora and motions for her to come and pick Gus up which she does and the kid surprisingly pulls away without much fuss, probably being too scared of even finding Harper at the door, knowing something is wrong without having to hear everything. He still clenches his arms around Bellamy but he whispers in his ears that he has to go with grandma for a moment and he’s thankfully too tired and sleepy after eating to fight him. “Our neighbor, mister Lemkin, he was involved in fixing the engine the other day, he’s one of the few mechanics from Farm.” she explains and Bellamy nods, he thinks he’s heard the name and if he’s right it was a man a little older than with bright red hair and kind eyes.

“Doesn’t he have a girl?”

“Yes, Reese...she’s a little older than Jordan and Gus.” Harper explains frantically.

“What’s wrong with him?”

“He hurt his leg while you guys were trying to fix the engine, more like...his foot really, he got it stuck inbetween some metal while they were putting back the parts together so he got a bad cut and I think some of it is broken too.” she blurts out and Clarke nods seriously “I didn’t know who else to ask for help. The nurses’ station doesn’t work this late and I have no way of getting him there anyway. Reese has been staying with us most of the time but she’s worried and doesn’t know how to help her dad.”

“Okay, I’ll come with you.” Clarke jumps in action right away, making Bellamy’s heart go crazy “I have bandages but we’ll need moonshine.”

“I have two bottles at home as well as cotton swabs and some of the Factory miracle rub if it’ll help with anything.”

“Clarke-” Bellamy tries intervening, this was happening too fast “Wait a second here-” Harper looks at him confused and Clarke sends daggers his way like she did only when she was very angry “You can’t just...you can’t just go there, you have no ID, just papers.”

“I’ll be fine.”

“No, you won’t be. If someone catches you practicing medicine when you’re clearly forbidden from doing so, you’ll be floated!” he raises his voice a little and takes her hand, squeezing it tightly, trying to prove a point.”And if a guard stops you, they can lock you up for not having a clearly defined citizenship and keep you there for weeks just out of spite!”

“Bellamy-”

“It’s dangerous!”

“I know it is, but I won’t leave this man out there to die when I can help him!” she keeps her eyes on him determined “We talked about this once.”

“Yes, we did and I disagreed!”

“And I told you you don’t have the right to when you clearly risk your life for us all without even letting me know what you’re doing!” Clarke raises her voice making his jaw drop a little before he painfully clenches it again and bites back his words so as not to completely blow up in front of their friend and Gus who was talking quietly to his grandma behind their backs, probably worried as hell already.

“Okay, I’m sorry, I don’t want you to argue because of me I just-” Harper adds but Clarke raises her hand.

“No, don’t be. I am coming and Bellamy can’t stop me.” she insists and he huffs frustrated but squeezes her wrist a little harder, trying to make an emphasis.

“Clarke-”

“You won’t win this one, Bellamy.” she cuts him off “I-”

“Will you let me speak?” he cuts her off surprising her with the softness and defeat in his voice “I won’t fight you.” he relents “We’ll go help them but I’m coming with you.” she opens her mouth to disagree but he shakes his head “If you get stopped, I can intervene, I can help, okay?” her shoulders sag.

“Okay.” in truth she didn’t want him to come, not with the way he was barely walking after work or with how he was still coughing-he needed the rest, she knew it but there was no changing his mind just like there was nothing to be done about her decision to go to Farm. 

“Grab your things and let’s go.” he nods at her but avoids Harper’s look. He understood why she was doing this, she only ever wanted to help and she must’ve been trying for a while considering she shadowed Clarke and helped her before when she and Jackson were working the clinic in Factory. 

While Clarke gets ready, he goes to his mom and Gus and explains the kid what’s happening. He seems to understand that they’re going to help but he’s still a little scared. Bellamy promises they won’t be long and Gus wraps his arms tightly around his dad letting him hold him for a moment before they separate. Aurora tells them to be carefully as she sends them off the door, clearly worried about the whole thing as much as Bellamy was which warmed Clarke’s heart but she knew she had to focus on the task at hand.

Bellamy walked side by side with them at first but then went ahead to scout the hallways for guards and wheather or not they could present a treat. He had his crutch on because Aurora had basically shoved it in his hand before he left and though he had tried to protest about it, Clarke could see he leaned heavily into it as he made his way forward. 

Harper held Clarke’s hand as she too remained alert while explaining everything she knew about mister Lemkin and his condition but also added that Monty himself got a bad cut at work today that she’d like Clarke to check if she could and Jordan’s wrist was healing but the frostbite on his fingers and face worried her a little.

“Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out, I promise.” Clarke assured her and Bellamy heard it too because he threw his head back and she could see the anger in his eyes. Their argument was far from over and she was well-aware that once they came back home, Bellamy would raise the issue of her risking her life again.

There was no official border patrol between Factory and Farm as of lately despite guards lingering by the gates and stopping people at random to ask them where they were going and why. Too many people had families in both stations and the line of those crossing was quite big. After the bombings the control had tightened but now things were back to being somewhat a little looser when it came to the migration of people in those three stations. Still, Bellamy knew that if he didn’t swipe his card on his hallway machine before ten am, they’d come looking for him, possibly Clarke too and escort them out of Farm.

People had to be back to their own homes by curfew-if they weren’t they could be locked up and questioned for a few days, probably punished by taking ration points from them but that wasn’t something Bellamy ever wanted to happen, most of all because he was scared for Clarke. 

When they approached Farm station’s main entrance that was marked by a sign on the door painted green and some plants, mostly wheat and algae drawn on the side, one of the guards measured them with a look before they even got there and Bellamy tensed. 

He waited the girls up and when Clarke was by his side he took her hand and squeezed it hard.

“Play along and don’t talk-” he whispers in her ear “He’ll figure out your Alpha accent and catch us, okay?” Clarke nodded but kept her determined look staring ahead at the guard who was about their age. Harper sensed the tension but instead of panicking, she simply smiled when the guard stood their way.

“IDs please.” his voice was very child-like and he tried to look tough but it seemed as if he hated stopping them-it wasn’t annoyance per se but he didn’t hold the enjoyment or grudge more guards did when they stopped Factory and Farm folks for a random check up.

Bellamy steps before Clarke and passes his ID over.

“Me and my wife are just visitng our friend from Farm here.” he explains and Harper hands over hers too which he waves off when he sees it’s from the station they’re crossing to. Clarke tenses next to him and he isn’t sure if it’s because of their fake marriage or the guard himself and the rifle hanging on his left side. 

He scans Bellamy’s ID but his eyes trail on Clarke for a moment.

“And yours, ma’am?” he prods as he returns Bellamy’s card and raises an eyebrow in quiet suspicion.

Bellamy could feel the sweat trailing down his back but he steps closer before her.

“She forgot it at home actually, it was my bad, I kind of rushed her.” he says and the guard opens up his mouth to say something but Bellamy reaches for his inner pocket and pulls out his red Level 11 pass card handing it over to the guard who’s mouth hangs a little upon seeing it. Surely Bellamy with his cane and his old uniform, his ruffled hair and his tired eyes didn’t seem like a top mechanic working on a secret level but the pass was there-with his name and picture and nobody could dispute it or call it fake.

“You can surely make an excuse for a silly man like me who got his wife in trouble, right?” at the sight of the card the guard tenses, he looks back at Bellamy and the girls, doesn’t even scan it and quickly pushes it back to Bellamy’s hand.

“Go ahead.” he gestures for the entrance “But don’t let it happen again, okay?” Bellamy nods with the most fake apologetic look he can muster “And don’t wave that off around anywhere or you may get suspended, mechanic.” he warns.

“I’m sorry, guardsman, I just-” the men waves them off and lets them through.

“Come on, get out of here.” he urges them as if Bellamy was suddenly carrying some diesase he could contract him with just for working at level 11. Bellamy didn’t miss the way he uttered the words “Factory scum” as they passed by and he has to squeeze his eyes shut not to react as he leaned heavily on his cane. 

He feels Clarke’s hand sneak between his fingers and squeeze them tightly but she waits until they’re out of the guard’s earshot to give him a look and whisper.

“Thank you.” she knew how much that cost him, she knew that the psychological strain of putting himself between her and the guard was devastating and would probably give him nightmares tonight. He already shook hard, just after a minute-long interraction and it was understandable-he has been beaten by the wolves as they called them so many times he was marked for life.

When they passed away, long enough to be out of earshot, Bellamy stopped and leaned on the wall, closing his eyes briefly and letting Clarke and Harper pass by him. On the outside it’d look like he was just taking a second to relax his leg, since they’ve been walking pretty fast, trying to get to Farm as quickly as possible, but Clarke knew this was something else.

She gave Harper a look and whispered for her to go on, that she’ll need a second before she returned back to Bellamy.

“Hey-” she calls out to him but he doesn’t open his eyes right away, instead he just shakes his head a little and she notices the way his breathing is too fast and shallow, like when he was panicking. His hands shook and the one gripping the crutch was treatening to actually drop it, so she reached out and stedied him.

When he couldn’t stand on his own, she’d be there to help him. She wouldn’t let him fall. Just like he wouldn’t let her get blown up by that bomb-after all, she was the reason he was here in the first place...she was the reason that he would never be the same man again.

“Bellamy, look at me.” she commands as she picks up his chin and forces him to look at her. 

He does and for a moment she almost wishes he hadn’t-there was so much pain in his eyes, so much fear and anxiety that she feels like something kicked her in the stomach and made her fall on the ground herself.

She even feels herseslf physically sway and he notices it, because he reaches with his other, free hand for hers and grips it tightly making her heart skip a few beats-that was her Bellamy, he’d always put everyone else before him even when he was barely breathing. 

Clarke quickly gets a grip of herself though and shakes all her bad thoughts away, forcing herself to be strong for him. God, they were both so fucked up sometimes it was unreal how that many things happened to them and him most of all in such a short span of just a few months and they were still standing.

“You’re okay.” she tells him but he’s too stunned and scared to say something back-she could see something else was plaguing him, something he hasn’t talked to her about, something he hasn’t shared. Maybe it had to do with that pass he waved at the guard...but no, he had met with other guards before and he had held his ground-something made him scared this time...something shook him harder ”You’re okay, Bellamy, please just look at me-” she lets his hands go and instead cups his face, digging her nails in his skin a little and staring into his eyes with determination now. 

“Clarke-”

“Listen to me-you’re okay, nothing happened, we’re fine and we will be fine, alright?” he stares into her with such vulnerability that it just breaks her heart “That guard won’t hurt you. I won’t let him.” Bellamy nods a little “I won’t let him hurt you, do you hear me, Bell?” she repeats “Do you understand?” he nods again still shaking and she smiles a little.

“Take a breath now...deep breaths...just like this, yes, good job! Let’s breathe together for a moment, okay? We can take a minute, we’re not in a rush.” technically that wasn’t true-they were indeed in a rush and when she quickly turned around and found Harper standing at the end of the hallway, looking around impatiently, she knew they had to hurry but Bellamy was her family, he always came first, so she had to help him before she could treat anyone else-otherwise her mind wouldn’t even be where it should be. 

“That’s right, you’re doing great.” she assures when his breathing goes back to normal slowly and she pushes his head to her chest, making him lean in a little but desperate to hold him in a tight, short hug, knowing how much he needed it right now. 

When he wraps his arm back around her waist-that’s how she knows he’s back to her, that he’s okay now and his lips find her neck, give her a small sweet peck that makes everything in her body on fire-god, the effect he had on her- before whispering “Thank you, princess.”

She pulls away and he tries to brush the tears from his face with the back of his sweater but she cleans them up with her thumbs instead and moves up to kiss his lips quickly, despite knowing that everyone passing by and Harper, most of all, was watching them, but not giving a damn about it. 

When she falls back on her heels, her arms wrap around his neck and she looks at him seriously.

“We have a lot to talk about when we go back home.” he nods as he swallows hard and shakes his head, trying to chase away the demons. 

“I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” she cuts him off “You just had a full blow panic attack in the middle of Farm station’s hallway.” he bows his head down to the ground as if in shame “No, don’t hide, I don’t want you to be ashamed-” she picks his head by the chin again and gives him a softer look “I just want you to talk to me.”

He leans his head down and rubs his nose against hers, then kisses her cheek and pulls back.

“I promise that I’m fine...it was just...I don’t know what it was, but I’m okay.” she can see him going back to his strong and serious bravado that he tries to emphasize by straightening himself up a little and taking a deeper breath “We should go. Those people there need you.” he insists and Clarke opens her mouth to fight him but he shakes his head and squeezes her hand tightly again.

“It’s okay, Clarke.” he insists but she doesn’t believe him for a second.

Yet, they don’t really have a choice-they do need to move and when Clarke turns around he finds Harper has approached them and was about to urge them to keep going again.

“We really need to-” she says and Clarke nods.

“I know...I know, let’s go.” they start moving again and Bellamy follows as swiftly as he can but when they take another turn, he tells them to stop and insists he’s the one to lead before them in case they meet other guards that may cause them problems which Clarke definitely isn’t happy about but can’t really argue with since she had absolutely no documents or IDs and could end up in a cell in case someone decided to blow this out of proportions.

Let’s also not forget the fact that she was about to give illegal medical help.

When they make it to Tor Lemkin’s place, Harper nods in a particular code way before a girl, no older than maybe ten opens up. She had beautiful long brown hair, pale face and big green eyes and was dressed in what looked like her PJs. 

“Harper!” she throws herself in her friend “You brought help.”

“Of course I did, kiddo. I promised, didn’t I?” they all look up and find her dad sprayed on the couch, his leg propped up on a pillow with a very haphazard bandage on the wound under his knee. The whole thing was bad, even Bellamy could tell, considering how blue and bruised his skin on top of being way too swollen and red. Tor glances up at him and despite what is probably the fever raging in his body he recognizes him.

“Bellamy Blake?”

“Hey, Tor.” he greets him when they make it in and Harper introduces Clarke to both Reese and Tor.

Bellamy can remember seeing the man working on Level 1 and sometimes 4 where most of the cooling systems were but he hasn’t talked much to him. Most workers in Factory knew each other by face or where they worked and if not their jackets always denoted that too in case someone need to find a mechanic from another level for help. Bellamy could see Tor’s one now, hanging on the chair by the couch-the wrench patch on his left arm as well as the numbers one and four and a small snowflake patch under them which described everything there was to his job. Bellamy’s one still showed he worked on Level 2 as a mechanic since officially Level 11 was closed after the fire and no one was suppsoed to know something was happening there.

Tor and him exchange a few words while Clarke and Harper get to work on his leg-it turned out he really did get hurt the other day during the engine fixing-his leg got stuck between two big metal patches and they had to basically drag him away to keep him from forever being stuck there which is how he got his wound.

When Clarke unwraps it, she finds it’s oozing yellow and upon touching his forehead and finding it burning and taking his temperature, she’s worried about blood poisoning.

“I’ll clean the wound and dig out all the infected flesh but we’ll need to find some antibiotis or at least...something to prevent a sepsis.” she tells him and Harper, surprisingly then, chimes in.

“We’ll figure out a way.” she tells Clarke and Bellamy cocks an eyebrow “I know a guy who can maybe help.”

“Harper, it’s dangerous.” Tor warns her carefully “I don’t want you risking your life or Monty’s for me.”

“I’ll be okay, I promise.” Harper rubs her hand over his foreharm while Reese peeks behind the two girls with worry and curiosity “Clarke and Bellamy will help me.” Bellamy wants to snap and tell her not to involve Clarke in this but he knows better than to start a fight here so instead he grips Reese’s shoulder and brings her attention to him. 

“How about you and I go outside and play for a bit, kiddo?” he suggests and glances at Clarke telling her that this was also him keeping watch and making sure nobody finds them but also trying to take the kid away from the room knowing that Tor will probably have a hard time keeping his screams while they cleaned the infection. 

Reese looks at her dad for approval and he nods.

“Go on dear, Bellamy’s a great story teller, maybe he can tell you something I haven’t yet, right?” Bellamy nods and leans down a little to Reese.

“Have you heard about the myth of Europa and Zeus?” Reese shakes her head “It’s my son’s favorite, maybe you’d like it too, huh?” Reese glances again at her dad and he waves his hand at her, begging her to come closer. When she does, she hugs him tightly and he whispers something in her ear that Bellamy doesn’t catch apart from the words- “you gotta be brave now, little warrior” before letting go of Reese and allowing her to follow Bellamy. Before they leave, though she runs back to her dad, takes off her pink hair pin and puts it in her dad’s big palm. Tor immideately wraps his fingers around it and lets Reese kiss his forehead as she slowly walks back to Bellamy.

“We’ll be at the end of the hallway by the benches and the swings, okay?” he tells Clarke and Harper as he takes the girl outside.

Reese is very smart and headstrong-she’s a badass kid and asks Bellamy lots of questions while he tells her more than one story. She makes him smile and provokes him but in a good way. Half an hour in and she’s already fighting about Europa and how she should’ve kicked Zeus’ butt which makes Bellamy laugh though he agrees with it too.

But when Bellamy’s done telling his stories and suggests Reese go to the swings for a bit, she shakes her head and just rests her back against the metal bench, leaning a little closer into Bellamy. 

“Do you think that....do you think that my dad will die?” she asks after a moment which Bellamy spent staring around for every figure that wore a guard uniform and kept glancing at the clock on the other side of the wall, desperate to make out the numbers and knowing they had less than half an hour to leave the station before they had to go back to Factory. 

“No, of course not.” Bellamy opposes and Reese gives him a look of disbelief.

“How do you know?”

“Because Clarke’s the best doctor there is.” he promises but the girl still doesn’t seem convinced “I’m the living proof of that, you know?” now that catches the kid’s interest.

“How come?” she asks curiously and crosses her arms over her chest as if preparing for a fight with Bellamy but willing to give him a shot and hear him out.

“I got hurt in the bombings. That’s why I use a crutch.” Reese looks down on him and then back up, her features softer now “I was very sick after, had fever like your dad, they weren’t sure I’ll make it or even walk but...Clarke did it.” 

“Really?” Bellamy nods with a small smile himself, wrapping an arm around Reese and tugging her close.

“She brought me back on my feet and she will do the same thing with your dad, I promise you.” Reese sighs and leans a little into his side, a clear sign that she now trusted him but something was still bothering her. “What is it, kiddo?” he asks softly, stroking her head like he did with Gus. 

“I just...there’s nothing I can do to help him.” Reese admits finally “I feel useless.” Bellamy’s heart breaks at that and he has to take a minute to squeeze his eyes shut before he takes a deep breath, tightens his grip around Reese’s arm and forces himself to be strong. 

“Of course you’re not useless!” Bellamy opposes her feverntly “Your dad doesn’t need you to do things for him, he just needs to know you’re there and you love him.”

“But he can’t walk...and I...I want to give him food and help him sit up but he won’t let me.” Reese protests softly “He wants to do everything himself.”

“That’s because he doesn’t want to burden you, sweetheart.” Bellamy insists feeling like he was having a conversation with Gus years from now right at this moment.

Was his son feeling the same way?

Sure, he was younger and he didn’t understand the extents of his injuries or what it meant for Bellamy to work with his body wrecked like this but it was enough that he saw him in pain.

And his son, despite his young age, always the selfless one, always wanting to help, to give...

Bellamy couldn’t imagine what it would be like for him when he got Reese’s age. In fact, he didn’t even want to think about it. It was awful enough now when Gus was so little yet so anxious and worried about everything conscerning his father, so for him to grow up and have a better grip of their reality would make everything all the more harder. 

“He thinks he always has to be strong but he doesn’t.” Reese continues, breaking Bellamy out of his thoughts and back to reality “He can be weak...he can let me help.”

“You’re just a child. He doesn’t want you to have to grow up faster than you need to, Reese.”

“Why are you defending him?” she suddenly snaps, angry at his words and behavior, like he wanted to lecture her instead of actually bring her comofrt and Bellamy realizes he may have done just that.

“I’m sorry.” Bellamy raises his hands in defence and lets go of her “I wasn’t trying to make it worse for you, I just wanted you to understand.” Reese keeps glaring at him, though, unhappy about the situation as much as Bellamy was trying to explain himself. “I have a son too and he worries just like you do.”

“So then you get it.”

“Of course I do but I also wanted to give you my perspective of things...because it’s the same as your father’s.” at that Reese’s shoulders sag and she bows her head down, thinking over Bellamy’s words as she fidgets with her fingers, twisting her thumb around between her index and middle ones.”He just loves you too much.”

“I love him too.” Reese admits softly “Ever since mama died it’s just been me and him.” Bellamy swallows hard at the horrible comparison between their family and his-he remembers vaguely that Tor’s wife died a few years after she gave birth to Reese from the flu going around at the station during that time which was pretty awful. He had gotten sick then too but that was before he even met Gina. He remembers his mom being worried about him and forcing him not to go to work so he could get better. 

“He’s my hero.” she adds “But he doesn’t know that...he doesn’t have to be one all the time.” Bellamy’s eyes fill with tears at that and he leans closer to Reese.

“Come here, kid” he opens his arms for her and she throws herself in his embrace, letting him give her a warm hug for the first time today. Even though they met barely an hour ago, kids were awesome like that as they were pure and unafraid to meet people and make them their best friends in minutes. Plus Bellamy was warm and kind and he was honest with her, which is what Reese loved the most. 

“Do you think we should go back and check on them?” Bellamy suggests and Reese nods after finally pulling away. When Bellamy has a hard time standing up, she grabs his hand and despite her age and size, she actually does manage to help him get stable on his feet.

By the time they come back to their place, though Tor tells them that Clarke’s been called down the hallway by another woman and Bellamy feels his face burn with uncontrolled anger.

This was all so fucking risky-they had barely twenty minutes left before they had to cross back to Factory, if she was going to risk her life like this, he wasn’t sure how many times he could pull out the Level 11 ID card trick and hope it works.

It certainly won’t hold on forever.

He tries to control his breathing and swallow down his pain but the more he stays up, the more the pain in his back increases and when he finds Clarke at the end of the same hallway as Tor’s appartment, she’s fixing a girl’s broken leg and a dislocated shoulder that her mom got after helping fix the Factory engine too. 

He calls her out and gestures at the clock above her patient’s bed which makes Clarke grit her teeth and give him a curt nod as she whispered “Five minutes”. He rolls his eyes and closes the door but leaves it ajar as he kept guard. Harper was in there with her, calming down the girl with the broken leg and he rested his back on the metal wall, listening her talk to them, instructing them not to move too much and then daring, actually fucking daring to promise them she’ll be back in a few days to check how they’re healing. 

She comes out of there exactly five minutes before curfew and he’s furious with her but he doesn’t show it in any other way than clenching his jaw and gripping his crutch tightly, trying to keep himself from passing out in the middle of the damn hallway when he was out there to protect her.

“Thank you, Clarke.” Harper says when they start walking back to the gates “What you did for them...it’s nothing short of a miracle for those people.” Clarke shook her head clearly unhappy with herself.

“That’s nothing. I need real bandages, moonshine, antiseptic, medicine...antibiotics.” she clenched her jaw and let Bellamy walk before them, keeping an eye on the guards but she didn’t miss how rigid his posture was or his glistening with anger looks he was throwing her way-he was mad and partly, he was right to be mad, she should’ve finished earlier but the mother and the little girl...they needed her.

So many people have heard of the doctor who fought the system and opened up a clinic in Factory-to many she was a savior and Clarke had only realized her popularity amongst those less fortunate today with Harper, Tor and this woman. Her friend had mentioned there were others who have asked for her, some who believed the Factory clinic was still running but that the guards refused them to pass so they wouldn’t be helped, third believed it was secretly operating but only for certain folks and fourth simply begged for her help.

There were many more that needed her. Harper mentioned at least a dozen more cases, most of them severe-broken bones, open wounds or bad cases of the flu going around this time of the year agian. 

Bellamy was listening carefully to everything they talked about and every now and then he’d look back and she swore that if they had the time for it, he’d have stopped and started yelling at her for being an idiot about half an hour ago. 

He was clearly unhappy about this but she wasn’t the only one who did dumb things-whatever this ID he showed to the guard meant, it couldn’t be good, not if they let him be so easy and she wondered what kind of mess he managed to get himself into.

“Do you think we can see each other again tomorrow or...the day after?” Harper asked once they reached the gates. There were only two guards and they were talking between each other, holding some sort of satchel and inspecting its content-probably something they had confiscated from a poor Farm or Factory person, which didn’t matter to Bellamy as long as it kept their attention away from the three of them. 

He’s about to open up his mouth and argue when he sees Clarke’s hands wrap around Harpers and squeeze them tightly.

“Of course.” she states and he feels his heart fall to his feet. Goddammit that stupid self-sacrificial princess of his “Tomorrow.”

“I can come get you after I’m done with work.” Harper says “That way we’ll have more time.”

“No!” Bellamy cuts off coming a little closer to Clarke, stepping before her and facing Harper “This is dangerous! She was almost floated barely a month ago, do you want to sign her death sentence!”

“Bellamy-” Clarke stepped up glancing at him and furrowing her eyebrows “We talked about this! I’m doing it!”

“Only over my death body are you crossing the stations twice a day without proper documents!”

“I can get her another fake ID.” Harper joins in, clearly as stubborn about this as Clarke was and he shoots her another angry glance-what the fuck was wrong with Harper? She was supposed to be on his side. He knew how much he already cared about Clarke and she was willing to risk her life for this?

“It’s too risky-they can catch her.” Clarke takes him by the elbow and squeezes it tight trying to bring his attention to her but he wouldn’t budge-he kept staring at Harper with the angriest of looks but the woman seemed unafected-she was just as stubborn as Clarke was and she only jut her chin up at Bellamy in a quiet way of trying to say “Fuck you!”

“We don’t have time for this now!” Clarke urged when the warning sirens started going off, reminding people that they had two minutes to cross back to their stations “We need to go, Bellamy!” she started pushing him and she must’ve applied a little too much pressure or he was simply that tired that he swayed hard on his feet and when he did he collided right into the arms of one of the two guards that was back by the gates, checking the few passengers that had lined up.

“Hey, watch out, you cripple!” he scoffed at him and Bellamy grit his teeth as Clarke pushed him back and tried to steady him on his feet again. “Come on, line up and give me your IDs” he yelled as he started moving over the right side where the button to open the doors was. 

“I’m not a cripple!” Bellamy scoffed and Clarke gripped his elbow tightly. Usually he was good at keeping his cool around the guards, well...most of the time but the events from this night and all the arguing with Harper who was now about to leave as Clarke gave her one last reassuring nod and whispered that “They’ll talk again tomorrow”, was sending him on edge.

Unfortunately the guard heard him talking back and turned around.

“What was that you said?” he asked, stopping a few feet from them but not coming closer-he was trying to treaten them with his angry look and his hand on the gun in his holster.

Clarke felt herself freeze at that and she begged the universe that Bellamy would come back to his senses but when she glanced up, she found him still staring at the guard like he was about ready to use his crutch on him and kick his butt.

Which she knew in normal cirucmstances he could probably do, but not right now and not like this-if they were caught and locked up, they’d end up at the very least punished and Clarke surely floated especially if they looked into the reasons why she was in Farm or the lack of proper legal documents on her. 

“I said I’m not a cripple!” Bellamy bit back and Clarke felt a rush of fear run down her spine. The guard walked to them and this time it was her who stood up before Bellamy and raised her hand, trying to remember to sound as Factory station like as she could-she had been practicing the accent for a few weeks now but she knew she hadn’t mastered it perfectly.

“Please forgive my husband, guardsman-” her eyes looked for the name tag on the left of his chest  “O’Conner” she gave him the smile of a sincere but worried wife and did her best to appeal sweet and quiet as any Factory girl should be when she had a meeting with a so-called wolf “He’s cranky because he forgot our anniversary and I gave him a speech about it.” the guard pulls back a little but his eyes don’t leave Bellamy who’s as tense as before and still looks like he’s about to tear the guard apart. His hand was now wrapped around Clarke’s wrist, ready to pull her back the moment he felt like she was in immideate danger. 

“Is that so, cripple?” Clarke winced at that and felt Bellamy push from behind her, ready to fight again which of course, in turn only made the guard smile smugly. He took another step closer and reached out for Clarke’s chin, picking it up but staring still right ahead in Bellamy’s eyes “Perhaps I can make up for you, give your little Factory slut the time of her life?”

Now that send Bellamy off and he pulled Clarke away and stepped forward ready to use his crutch on the guard, but he was faster, he took it in, tore it off Bellamy’s hands and with one swift move of his hands, pressed it to his knee and used his force to break it in two and toss it away.

Bellamy let go of Clarke’s hand and tried to swing at him with his fist but again, as before, the guard was faster-he punched him in the face and then used his knee to kick him in the stomach. Bellamy swayed violently and almost hit the ground as Clarke screamed and tried to break them. The rest of the people around looked at the scene unfolding before them but they definitely weren’t surprised-it was as if this has happened a thousand times before and they were so numb to the violence and brutality the guards used on them that they simply moved away from the commotion and looked around like scared but impartial to the world animals.

“Please-” Clarke rose one of her hands again as she leaned over to grab Bellamy’s elbow and keep him up with the other “We’re sorry, just let us pass.” Bellamy looked up from under his curls angrily and just as Clarke was pretty sure he was about to provoke the guard, he got called by the other boy who had been passing some of the passengers through while the argument unfolded and O’Conner clenched his jaw unhappy that he was interrupted.

“Hey! I need some help over here! This one’s drunk!” the boy yelled and Clarke noticed he was supporting an elderly man from Factory who looked much worse for wear than her and Bellamy and someone who would definitely give them trouble unless they dealt with him right now. 

He had taken out his baton, ready to use it on either one of them but now he gripped it, looked at Clarke and simply sighed angrily.

“Go on, I’ll deal with you some other time.” he gestured at them to pass through without even asking for an ID which Clarke welcomed as a silent blessing right now. It wasn’t too unusual, though-it was clear that those who waited to pass between stations at the last possible minutes were either drunks like the elderly man who came to Farm for cheap alcohol or folks like her and Bellamy probably visiting relatives before coming home for the night. Clarke noticed that he still looked at the insignia on Bellamy’s sleeve, the wrench patch and the Factory section number so he probably decided this, his poor state and both their clothes and outlook left no room for doubt.

She almost laughed at the irony of it all-this entire time, all she’s ever wanted was to leave Alpha, to be something better than what they taught her there, to help others and not just the few selected by the chancellor and she had finally done it-she was dressed in the old dress Aurora got her, had the Factory simple three-strand plaid, no make up of any sort, her shoes were Bellamy’s old ones and she looked so tired she could probably pass out if the guard had so much as simply pushed her back.

She was no longer an Alpha princess.

Chapter 42

Notes:

A/N: I'm so sorry I took such a long time to upload a new chapter, I've not been doing that well mentally and work has been really busy this spring season but I decided I'll add an extra long chapter to make up for it! Thank you for all of you who are reading and sticking with me!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

Though she may not officially be a Factory one she knew where she belonged and her home had no station names or section numbers-it was a place of her own made up by the two boys she loved the most right now-Bellamy and Gus.

Despite the circumstances, that thought made her smile. 

When they crossed over, Clarke hurried to help Bellamy lean on the side of the wall and catch his breath. Now that his crutch was gone because of the guard, he was even more unstable on his feet and his left hand flailed for something to hold on to, so she gripped it tight and gave him a moment to calm himself down.

“This may just have been the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.” she whispered in a quiet angry hiss and he smiled a little while trying to catch his breath but she felt his fingers grip her back.

“You know me...” he said through ragged breaths “Stupid is my middle name.”

“Oh, please-” she scoffed rolling her eyes at him and he finally looked up at her only for her to notice the bruise already blooming on his cheek right under his beautiful brown eye hiding his freckles away and she cups his cheek with her fingers making him wince. “Do you hurt?”

“I’m fine.”

“Why did I not expect a different answer from you.” she sighs again and notices the way he’s cradling his side with his hand right where the guard kicked him so she grabs the hem of his shirt and lifts it up touching the tender skin of his stomach and feeling his ribs, making him wince again. “I swear if you keep this up, your ribs will never not be broken.”

“It’s okay, I think he hit my stomach not...not the ribs.”

“That’s not good either, you can have internal bleeding.” it’s his turn to roll his eyes and shake his head stubbornly. 

“I’m going to be fine, let’s just go home before Gus freaks out we’re gone.” he pushes off the wall but he’s definitely unstable on his feet again and she can tell he overtired himself and pushed himself too much by coming with her tonight. They’re both thinking it but neither one of them is saying it as they refused to argue in the Factory station hallways.

He stubbornly tries to walk on his own but of course he staggers and she grabs his arm and throws it over her own shoulders, pushing her body to his side and slowly walking ahead. He tries to rush it in, probably worried about Gus but the pain must be severe because he stops out of nowhere and grips her side where his hand was wrapped around her waist in a quiet plea to give him a second.

“It shouldn’t be this bad.” Clarke huffs angrily when they stop again just a few feet from their hallway. 

“I had been off for almost two days.” he protest and she rolled her eyes again.

“Yes and then before that you worked for over fifteen hours non-stop and had a very hectic week.”

“It’s work.” he cuts off a little too harsh probably because of his pain “I have to do it, you know that.” he sounds tired but she senses the judgement in his voice and knows what he’s implying, so she stops abruptly and pulls away from him for a moment.

“And I don’t, is that what you’re saying?”

“Clarke-”

“I don’t have to go to Farm or Factory and help people, right?” she snaps and moves them to a quieter corner, even though there were barely any people walking around now that everyone was mostly home after crossing back to their homes.

“That’s not what I’m saying.” he tries to explain but it comes out too weak and it just confirms to her that this is exactly what he’s been thinking-she didn’t have to go out there and he did.

“But it’s what you’re thinking and it shows through all your actions.” she barks back, forgetting for a moment that she no longer held his arm as tightly, that she had mostly let him go and he was leaning on the metal wall with his other hand, barely keeping himself standing. 

He shakes his head and tries to take a step on his own but he almost falls in the process and she grips him tightly again, worry washing over her-why was he so bad? This didn’t make much sense to her, he was supposed to have rested at least a little and he still seemed absolutely wrecked as if he’s spent every possible minute working his ass off.

“The bench-” he nods at the nearest metal bench just a few feet from them and she slowly helps him there, sitting him down and watching as he struggled to take his breath. He looked so broken that it made her feel bad for aguing with him. She took his hand in hers and gripped it thightly in quiet support while he caught his breath.

“You should ask for more days off.” she suggested but he shook his head hard without looking at her, eyes still closed and his other hand gripping his bad leg. 

“If I do, will you stop going out there?” he asks raising his eyebrow at her when he finally manages to lean on the bench and breath a little better.

“You know I can’t-” she protests “Just like you.”

“It’s not the same.” he argues again, getting angrier once more which she senses and in turn that makes her own flame burn brighter. 

“Except that it is!” she raises her voice a little and he clenches his jaw at her, both because of her stubborness and also clearly because he was still in pain despite sitting down. She had to take care of it when they came back home, that’s if he allowed her to...knowing him he’d probably fight her. “Bellamy, people are hurt out there! I cannot just let them suffer when I could help them.”

“You know that you’re literally forbidden from doing so! Goddammit, Clarke you almost died last time, your friend died-”

“I don’t need you to remind me of it, I know what happened!” she snapped and he bowed his head down at her “I can’t believe that after all this time, you’re no different than any of those Alpha assholes including my mother, who try to control my life.”

“I’m not doing that!” he raised his voice, offended at her accusation, clearly unhappy that he was compared to the one person he knew she couldn’t stand being around, especially lately. “Don’t you get it, princess? I just worry!” her face softens at that but for just a moment before she remembers to stand her ground.

“And I worry about you too, but I don’t stop you from going to work!” she points out again and he rolls his eyes gripping his leg again which she didn’t miss.

“I don’t think you realize how dangerous this is” he stated seriously, trying to knock some sense into her “You could get caught and when you do, the chancellor won’t be as forgiving this time, Wells won’t be able to help you or your mom and dad. Or I.”

“I don’t need saving!” she points out “I know damn right what I’m doing.” she’s glad there aren’t any other people in the hallway or they’de have brought a lot of attenion on themselves “These people need my help, Bellamy. Just like you did when you were hurt! I can’t leave them behind, not right now, not after everything they’ve been through!”

“What about Gus and I?” he points out next, leaning on the bench once more, stretching out his leg and trying to relax it “Did you ever think about that?”

“What about it?” she asks confused and he looks a little hurt when she does.

“It’s no longer just you going off against your parents or the system, Clarke.” his voice goes desperate, sad in a way it hadn’t been before “When you came to live with us...for better or for worse we became a family.” she bows her head down in shame-he did have a point here. “Whatever is going on between us it’s new but...it’s important to me and Gus....Gus adores you and losing you after everything that has happened in the past year...that will destroy him, Clarke.”

She sighs, he had a point here, she truly hadn’t stopped to think about what this would mean for him or Gus and she suddenly felt herself guilty. She had promised the kid so many times she’d be there for him, that she’d take care of him if something happened to Bellamy but the first chance she got, she was ready to throw it all away.

“You’re right...” she admits, shoving her hands under her thighs and staring down at her feet “I didn’t think about that.” he doesn’t say anything to this, waits patiently as she closes her eyes and thinks it through “But you risk your life every day, despite your injuries, despite the fact that you should work half a day or not at all considering your physical state.”

“Clarke-”

“No, please hear me out. You and I both know that the way you’re pushing yourself now...it will worsen things long-term but you do it for Gus and for me.”  he clenches his jaw, not being able to argue with that logic, not really, knowing that it’s not wrong “You can’t simply stay idly by.” she swallows hard “And I need you to understand that...I can’t either.” he sighs at that but grits his teeth and shakes his head but she’s faster than him this time and interrupts him before he can argue with her.

“I know you’re afraid, I do, Bellamy.” he looks into her eyes all sad and broken when she says it like this “I know it well because I worry about you too, every day. I wonder all the time if you’ll come back in one piece, if you’ll be fine-there’s no difference here between your fears for me and mine.”

“Except there is-” he argues feverntly again “You were so close to death, Clarke.” he whispers scaredly “So close.”

“And so were you. So ARE you, every day but Gus, I and your mom...we still let you go in the morning.” he sucks in a breath clearly disagreeing with her but refusing to argue with it and she knows why-a part of him agrees, he is slowly letting sink in the fact that she could possibly be right. “Can you understand that?” he bows down his head and grips his leg again, clearly in so much more pain than she ever supposed at first.

“I’m...trying to but you have to understand me too, Clarke-” he doesn’t look at her now, instead he focuses on the wall ahead, stubbornly refusing to meet her eyes and clenching his jaw “I lost Gina. I lost the mother of my child, my first love...” he stops for a second and finally looks at her “I can’t lose my second. I can’t go through this again.”

She feels bad for him in this moment, so awfully bad because she never thought that much about the point he was making now, she never realized what this actually means for him but now that he says it, now that he’s looking into her with his eyes big and broken and his hands shaking, his body breaking apart on a damn Factory bench, she feels horrible for making him go through this.

But then there’s also another side of things, a side that she just can’t let go of-maybe it was just who she was as a person but she couldn’t change it and if Bellamy really loved her then he’d understand that.

For a moment there they sit in silence and she covers his hand in hers, rubs her thumb over his calloused palm, made notice of the skin there, the way it broke on the outside, how harsh it felt, like sandpaper and how it swell on the inside, caused blisters that hardened. She takes her time to feel his fingers, his knuckles that had broken more than once-there was a big cut on his left palm which she had took notice of before after they fooled around for the first time and he pushed her to his chest, his hand ending up on her bare stomach, rubbing up and down. She got ticklish when she felt him there and at first she thought it was just his bruises but then she picked up his hand and looked at it, saw the long jagged scar inside and asked him how he got that.

“My first serious work injury when I was twelve.” he had said watching as she traced it with her fingers “I worked in the Factory mess hall. They made me open up cans of fish and meat for some of the councilmen that had come to have lunch there after a meeting. I was in a rush and my boss was pretty awful. He used to beat me and the other cooks with a stick on the hands when we weren’t fast enough-” Clarke had winced then but then clenched his hand in both of hers “I slided my hand when one of the can openers slipped through my fingers. There was so much blood I almost passed out.”

“Did you go to medbay? Get it taken care of?” he shook his head and smiled.

“Medbay?” he had said in disbelief “My mom stitched it up with a red thread and bandaged it in some clean rags. Put me to bed and kissed my forehead-that was it.”

She thought of their conversation then, wondering what would’ve happened if she had gotten a cut like that as a child-surely her mom would’ve freaked out, taken her to medbay or stitched her at home, probably give her a local anesthetic and meticiously wrap her wound in a gauze and bandages. Then put her to bed with her dad, play some cartoons for her. Her dad would pamper her for days after, kiss her forehead and fingers to take the pain away, maybe even carry her on a horseback for a while to lift her mood up.

Bellamy was hardened by life-he got hurt, he stitched it up somehow and then he moved on because that’s how life in Factory worked. There was no time for pampering, smoldering or spoiling. You took a breath, then another and you pushed-for your mother, for your child. He had no other choice, never knew anything else.

Until he lost Gina. And then despite it all he kept pushing but his world was crumbled. It got totally fucked up then, his life changed completely and then it did once more when he choose to protect Clarke from the bomb and got hurt instead-first he lost his soul and then with her, he lost his body. Or at least he lost what he used to have and his life inevitably changed making everything even harder. If he hadn’t done what he had, she wouldn’t be sitting here today with him. She’d be dead or at least as fucked up as he was.

“Bellamy,-” she begins again taking a deep breath and staring down at their joined hands “You know you’re the bravest person that I’ve ever met right?” she looks up at him and of course, in his typical Bellamy fashion, he seems confused, like what on earth are you talking about Clarke-Brave? Me? 

He shakes his head and shrugs it off just like she thought he would.

“You are.” she insists, squiezing his hand again “And I know that you get up every day and you chose to be braver no matter what challenge life throws at you.” he swallows hard but listens carefully to her “I do realize that what I’m asking from you is a lot-” she continues “To send me out there, to know that I could be caught but-” she takes in a breath and stares into his beautiful brown eyes, pleading “Bellamy, I have to do this.”

He snaps his head away as if she’s burned or slapped him and pulls his hand back from hers which she tries not to think too hard about-she was hurting him, of course he was acting like this.

She gives him a moment and watches as he squeezes the side of the bench with his fingers, grits his teeth and thinks hard over her words before he finally speaks out.

“You’re wrong, you know?” he whispers “I’m not brave.” he admits “I’m just scared.” she opens her mouth to protest but he is the one to interrupt her this time “But one thing is true-you can’t base relationships on fear and I don’t want to be some controlling ass like your mom or Wells.” Clarke’s face crumbles a little and she reaches for his hand again which he takes this time between both of his. 

“I don’t agree with this but I won’t try to stop you.” he finally says and Clarke smiles a little before scooting closer to him and reaching out to hug him. He hugs her back but weakly and she knows it’s not because he doesn’t want to but rather because he’s tired and in pain.

“I’ll come with you, though.” he adds next and she looks up confused “If you’re going to do this, you need someone to have your back. We need to be smart about it-you can’t go around jumping stations whenever you feel like it-someone will notice and you’ll get caught.” Clarke thinks over his words and knows that even if she wants to fight him about pushing himself even harder just to let her have what she needs, she won’t win “We’ll do it after I’m done with work. Harper will get you a fake ID, maybe even a few and I’ll be keeping watch while you work, how does that sound?”

“Okay.” she nods pursing her lips a little “But on one condition.”

“There’s no room for conditions, princess.” he points out, raising his eyebrow but she juts her chin and crosses her arms over her chest.

“I need you to promise that you’ll let me take care of your leg every day.” he shakes his head stubbornly at that but she squeezes his fingers once more “Every day, Bellamy.” she insists “In the morning before work or after. The weekends too.” he opens his mouth to argue but she shuts him off “I won’t take no for an answer-if you want to come with me, keep me safe then I need to find a way to make sure you’re safe out there too. You said it before when we first started this-it’s not a one-sided thing. We’re in this together.”

Bellamy keeps his eyes on her for a while and when he sees that she won’t back down, he finally relents, huffs like a particularly tired angry horse neighing after a hard argument with their master and then shows his agreement with a small barely visible nod.

Clarke smiles, takes it as a win and her heart screams that she just wants to hug him so so badly but she decides to pace herself-there was time for that at home, right now they just needed to get there.

They slowly get up and he lets her support him without much of a fuss-just like before he knew that he needed the crutch to get to Farm station-he was a stubborn idiot but not that stupid, he’d never let himself fall and put her in a situation where she wouldn’t know what to do or how to help him.

When they finally made it home, Gus jumped from the bed the moment they opened the door, even though his grandma was reading him his favorite Anne of Green Gables, only apparently the next part, which Bellamy had somehow managed to find in the black market and buy for the kid. 

“Dada!” he had squeaked and reached his little arms up to his dad, since he couldn’t run on his own with the frostbite. Bellamy let go of Clarke and limped to them under both Clarke and his mom’s scrutinizing glances. He noticed they exchanged a look that he knew perfectly well-they were communicating without words, typicall that was reserved for his and Clarke’s relationship but his mom and her had grown close and bonded ovre their mutual worry over him. 

“Hey, sweet boy.” Bellamy rubbed his back tiredly and kissed his head “Had a good time?” Gus mumbles a quiet "Mhwm" and pulls the back of Bellamy’s curls as they slowly come forward and Aurora stands abruptly when she notices Bellamy’s bad limp and how Clarke pulls the chair for him and gives him a stern look, insisting he sat down.

“Was everything okay?” she asks with worry and can cealrly see something was bothering Bellamy but he shook his head as Clarke went on to explain about Tor and his daughter, as well as the other girl she tried to help. Aurora listens intently but keeps her eyes on Bellamy, who clearly isn’t happy about this but focused on Gus, who was tired after dinner and the story, and was already starting to fall asleep in his arms. 

“It’s dangerous for you to go out there alone, Clarke.” Aurora comments when Clarke tells her about her plans for the upcoming days and in his mother’s eyes Bellamy can read the genuine worry, one she carried around for Gina when she was still alive.

“She won’t by alone.” he chimes in for the first time since Clarke started talking “I’ll go with there, so we’ll need you to take care of him while we’re gone.”

“You know I will, Bellamy, but that’s not the point-” Aurora keeps on, furrowing her eyebrows a little and reaching to squeeze his hand “This is dangerous. You could get caught.” she turns her head to Clarke who purses her lips but not in annoyance, more like because she was tired of having the same argument over and over again. 

“She won’t be.” Bellamy speaks up before Clarke can try and convince his mother “I won’t let that happen.”

“Bellamy-”

“That’s enough, mom. We’ve discussed it and I support Clarke even if I have my concerns as well.” that warms Clarke’s heart and her eyes grow wide upon hearing those words. He meets hers and gives her a light smile in reassurance before turning back to his mom “Will you be able to help with Gus or not?”

“Of course I will.” Aurora settles down, ultimately agreeing that this was their decision and not hers even if she disagreed with it-they were a family now, a unit, despite not being married. They lived together and took care of Gus themselves-she could advice them and worry about them but she couldn’t tell them what to do. 

“I should go now.” she stands up and leans over to run her fingers through Gus’ curls and then pick Bellamy’s chin up. “Please be careful at work, okay?” he nods and she kisses his forehead before giving Clarke a nod and leaving.

They talk for a while after, Clarke brings some food for them since they never had dinner and Bellamy nibbles on his bread and jerky, mostly leaving her more of the food they cut and put together in a mutual plate. They’ve figured out they liked eating like this-from one place, both of them pushing little cuts of the cheese or dry apples or bread to each other and arguing about the other eating them with insistant angry glances.

Gus grows tired in his arms but never trully falls asleep and when Clarke stands up and insists she took care of Bellamy’s leg like he promised he’d let her do, he perks up and rolls over on his dad’s lap so that he’s facing her.

“Can I watch?” he asks as Clarke pulls up Bellamy’s pant leg up and reveals the cut under his knee from the accident as well as his swollen joints. “Does it hurt, dada?” he shrugs it off and shakes his head.

“I’m good, baby boy.” he kisses his cheek and Gus squirms in his arms, always happy to have his dad’s love and attention. His own little foot was wrapped up in a good tight bandage that however needed to be changed as well.

“I have to fix your bandage too, Gus, okay?” she says and after taking off Bellamy’s boot and sock, she reaches for Gus’ one. The kid stares between his and dad’s legs and after a moment, looks up.

“Dada, we’re getting patched up at the same time.”

“Yes, we are son.” Bellamy kept running his hand over his curls softly “Doctor Clarke’s good, isn’t she?” Gus nods and gives him a light smile.

“One day I’ll be as good as her.”

“Of course you will be, sweet face.” Clarke assures when she undoes his bandage “Maybe even better than me.” Gus smiles and shakes his head in his typical shy fashion much like his father. 

“We can work together, right?” Gus asks with his tired sleepy voice while Clarke applies more of her frostburn cream over his leg and little toes. Bellamy couldn’t look at that for too long so he averted his eyes-it just hurt him too much to see his son in pain “We’ll have our medbay...and I’ll learn from you...and help you out.”

“Of course, baby boy.” Clarke says though her heart clenches at Gus’ words. She doubted the chancellor would consider opening another medbay, at least not anytime soon. 

“I’ll study fiwst...and then...I’ll pass my exams...and then we’ll hewp people together, wait?” Gus was growing more and more sleepy with every passing minute which was good for Clarke who was wrapping his foot up in a fresh bandage and reaching for the syrup they gave him to ease the pain and prevent inflammation. Bellamy helped tilt his head up and let her give him a few sips, urging the kid to swallow. 

After, his head rested on Bellamy’s chest, his eyes closed and he was fast asleep. Clarke brushed the curls from his forehead and kissed his cheek before focusing on Bellamy’s leg.

“I think it’s best I put him to bed and we move to our cot-it’ll be easier for me to take care of you there, okay?” Bellamy agrees but insists he is the one to put Gus to bed which gives Clarke enough time to get ready for bed and use the bathroom.

By the time she’s out Bellamy’s sitting in their cot, Gus is all tucked in and he’s trying to take off his overalls though unsuccessfully so Clarke rushes to help him out with it or she’s pretty sure he would’ve tripped over himself and ended up on the floor if she hasn’t.

“Okay, easy there, mister overalls.” she scolds him mildly and looks up to see his reaction except he’s pursing his lips and trying to swallow down what looks like yet another bout of pain. “Hey, what is it?” she asks and he opens his eyes briefly just to let her know the amount of pain he’s in which rushes her to her feet and with her gentle hands she pushes him down in a lying position. “Does it hurt too bad?”

“It’s fine.” he says through gritted teeth but she can see he’s holding his hip with his hand and squeezing his eyes shut. “It’s...I just need a moment that’s all.”

“I’ll go grab my supplies.” she tells him before moving up from the bed but he grips her wrist and pulls her back down next to him shaking his head stubbornly.

“No.” he says slowly before taking in a deep breath and meeting her eyes “No more ointments or bandages...no more compresses. I don’t want any of that.”

“Bellamy-”

“No offense to you, princess, but it doesn’t help.” he blurts sadly “This isn’t Gus’ frostbite, okay? It’s fucked up from inside and you know it.” Clarke sighs and bows her head down staring at his fingers wrapped around her wrist.

“Let me at least massage it, okay?” she insists “That’ll help relieve the pressure and numbness of your muscles.” he smirks a little at that and she knows he’s about to say something extremely dumb but she finds it in her heart that she doesn’t mind it.

“A massage, huh?” she rolls her eyes at him and scoffs.

“Or I could just go to bed and let you suffer all night long.”

“No, no-” he reaches up for her other hand too and pulls her closer to him “Please, I’ll take the massage.”

“I thought so.” she moves over the bed and starts on his bad leg, first up at his thigh then lowering it to his swollen knee and down to his ankle. It clearly hurts him a lot and though she still uses the anti-inflammatory cream she had for Gus despite his protests on the subject, she can tell she’s not doing much to ease his pain at least not at first. 

“So will you ever tell me?” she asks when she’s running her hands over his swollen ankle while he’s thrown his arm over his eyes, trying to control his breathing and pain.

“Tell you what?” he groans when she applies more pressure over the joing and shivers underneath her-his whole leg was fucked up. It was a miracle he put any weight on it at all.

“Why did the guard let us go when he saw your ID? Why your mom is so worried over your job that she comes in here always hand shaking, eyes wide as if she’s expecting not to find you back home at all?” Bellamy perks up a little from under his arm but just for a moment before he speaks.

“It’s not important.”

“Don’t give me that-” Clarke stops and lets her hands drop “I know you’re hiding something. You have been for a while now, I’m not stupid.”

“I never said you were.” he tries staying calm but she can feel the newly-appeared tension in his voice. Still, he avoids her look.

“The food you bring in-all the fruit and vegitables, the bread and meat. The cake on Gus’ birthday too as well as the fact that you come home even more tired than before, your cough worsening-there is a reason for that.”

“Clarke-” he says it as a warning, trying to tell her not to prod. But Clake has never been one to ever let go easily.

“As hard as I know your job is, this is something else.” she crosses her arms over her chest “It’s different, I can tell.”

“You can now, can’t you?” he huffs and she reaches over to grab his arm and snap it from his face so she can finally, truly meet his eyes.

“I thought we were going to be honest with each other? Share everything?” his face grows serious at that but she keeps her eyes on him, her lips pursed and her hand on his wrist, refusing to let go, trying to let him know that he’d either talk to her or he can go to hell.

“I can’t.” he finally mumbles and she is about to roll off the bed and tell him she’ll sleep on the ground when he grips her fingers and pushes her back “You don’t understand.”

“Then explain it to me.”

“I can’t.” he whispers and his face crumbles “I literally am not allowed to tell you.” Clarke raises her eyebrow in confusion but doens’t move, settling back on the bed. “It’s classified.” he adds and her head starts working all the words out, figuring what he means.

It’s a while before she finally speaks up.

“You no longer work on Level 2 do you?” he shakes his head “They’ve transferred you?” he nods “And you telling me what you’re doing now will potentially put me in danger?”

“Yes.” he finally says and moves up on his elbows which clearly also causes him pain and it’s in that moment that she realizes most of his suffering now came from his back, not his leg and she wants to slap herself on the face-of course the problem was there-it was where he was hit the worst, it was why he couldn’t walk. She had to flip him over and take care of his back, check for swelling, but for now he was simply staring at her eyes big and pleading.

“I’m trying to protect you. All of you.” he insists tightening his grip on her fingers again “Please...princess, I beg for you to understand.”

She deflects at that for a short moment, thinking over his words before finally speaking up.

“How dangerous is it?” she asks and he falls back on the pillows “If your mom’s that worried, if your cough is this persistant, if your leg despite the rest gets bad so fast...then this is putting a serious strain on you.”

“It’s not that big of a deal. Mom’s exaggarating.” he tries to keep his voice steady but she shakes her head stubbornly once more.

“Be honest.” she insists “Please, Bellamy.” he keeps his eyes on her for a moment too long, then sighs and finally spekas up.

“It is dangerous.” he says and Clarke’s heart jumps in her throat “But no more than any other job in Factory.”

“That last part was a lie.” she calls him out on it and he shyly bows his head down and stares at his stomach “Why then? Couldn’t you have said no to whoever was offering you this?”

“Perhaps I could have but I didn’t want to.” he admits “I have to do this Clarke. Just like you have to go out there and help the people that are hurt.”

“For Gus?”

“Mostly, but for us all too. This gives me so much more than I could ever imagine-ration points are good, I can bring enough food on the table and put aside for him.” he explains carefully swaying on his elbows a little, almost falling back on the pillows but somehow he manages to keep himself up “You heard him tonight, Clarke. This is becoming his dream and even if it changes, even if he wants something else then this gives me the opportunity to give it to him.”

Clarke nods thinking over his words for a moment, trying to let it all sink in.

“You get it, right? Why I am doing this?” he asks when she doesn’t say anything for a while and reaches to tug her over his stomach, resting himself down on the pillows. She ends up on his chest, her head resting over his beating heart for just a moment before she forces herself to look up and meet his eyes. He lifts himself on the pillows so that he’s half-sitting and pulls her up a little. 

Her fingers ghost over his cheek, then her index finger moves to his lip and traces it, after which she goes up to the freckles on his nose, his eye which she forces him to close so she can move over his eyelid. She marvels at his beauty despite the pain and torture and sadness written all over it.

God, he was so much in all the senses that it made her whole being feel as if on fire-she’s never had that before, all of those things coming together at once to make her believe she can be more than a shell of an Alpha princess. And each and every one of those amazing qualities he possessed his bravery, his selflessness, his vulnerability and even his stubborness, often came crashing right through her heart-it’s as if he stumbled on her and went through her entire being like a wind she’s never felt but only heard of and he found his perfect place inside her, a little corner of his own that grew over the months to consume her whole.

And she couldn’t fight it.

Moreover she didn’t want to.

”Clarke?” he asks confused when she doesn’t answer his question but her fingers fall to his lips and allow him to meet her eyes while her index finger taps on his upper lip and her thumb brushes his chin.

“You know I love you, right?” she says instead and his eyes widen, his breath hitches “I should’ve said it earlier and I don’t know why I didn’t but-” she swallows hard and moves up, he follows swiftly as well, sitting straighter, allowing her legs to sneak around him and her feet to lock up on his back. She was sitting in him with his arms wrapped around her back and his face so close to hers, she swore she could count on every freckle “I do, Bellamy. I love you.”

“Clarke-” he chokes on it a little, it came out desperate, maybe even surprised and she smiles at him as her hand keeps moving over his face, her hands cupping his cheeks. God, she could never be tired of holding his face in her hands. Ever.

“It’s okay if you can’t say it now or if you do not feel the same way, I just had to tell you.” she blurts out when she realizes she totally sprung this on him “The life we’re living, it’s just...so dangerous and I didn’t want you to go out there and not know or think that I don’t....that I don’t love you, Bellamy because I do.”

“Clarke, will you listen to me-” he tries but she’s on a roll.

“You knocked me on my feet, you stubborn ass and goddammit I get angry all the time with you but I just-” she rests her forhead against him “God, I love you.”

He wraps his hands around her wrists and she feels his breath fan her neck with her eyes closed for the time being.

A beat. 

And then.

“I love you too, princess.” he says and it’s the softness of his voice that makes her open her eyes and stare into his brown ones, it’s the warmness that she was certain would’ve send her staggering on her feet had she been up.

“You don’t have to say it just because I did.” she blurts out again, trying to reassure him and he chuckles at her cuteness, catches her face in his big calloused ones and moves up to kiss her.

“I’m not.” he assures when he pulls back, leaving her breathless “It’s been on my mind for a while now, I just hadn’t had the guts to say it out loud, too afraid you’re not ready or that it’s not the right time but-” he rubs her cheek again and kisses her nose, her forehead, her cheeks, then her lips once more “I love you too.”

“You really do?” she sounds small, vulnerable.

He takes her hand and moves it over his heart that’s trumping loud and a little erratic but steady.

“I do.” she smiles and lets herself exhale a little against him, keeping her hand on his chest and resting her cheek on his other side at the crook of his neck. He rests his back against the pillows once more probably because he got tired of keeping up and she feels him relax a little and stroke her hair inbetween the soft kisses he gave her on her forehead and lower, catching her lips now and then-it’s soft and slow for now but she can feel the bulge in his boxers that presses against her center and makes her hot and more than a little wet.

For now they’re taking their time, though, needing to just be here in this moment. 

“Did you really question me?” he pats her nose with his index finger as she adjusts herself on his lap and moves up a little before going back down and eliciting a hiss from his as his dick grows harder against her and his hand grips hers over his heart.

“I’m sorry.” she whispers looking back up at him innocently. “I just...I’m not sure I’ve ever had someone tell me this.” he cocks his eyebrow at her “That they love me. Well...other than my parents of course.”

“Well here I am now too.” he catches her lips again and this time it’s her who groans in his mouth.

“Here you are.” she whispers when his hand moves to stroke her face and then sneaks down to her chest and then lower to her left boob which she carefully squeezes over her shirt making her back arch. “I love the way it sounds.” she gasps against his neck when she moves up and down again, tesing his cock that she can tell is painfully hard now.

“What is that?” he asks between kisses allowing her to move up a little and grant him better access-his lips trail to her neck and suck on her pulse point, making her jab her fingernails in his arm as a way of trying to ground herself.

She keeps grinding against him as a small way of retaliation while his other hand sneaks under her shirt and takes her boob in, softly kneading on it like a kitten as his fingers patted over her sensitive nipple and hardened it.

“You saying you love me.” she says between breaths as the wetness pools more and more in her panties, embarrassingly drenching her pjs that was actually his ones only cut shorter by herself the other day. 

“Oh yeah?” he asks sliding his other hand in there and sneaking through the blond curls of her cunt until he reaches her chenter “Goddammit, Clarke, you’re so wet.” he whispers and she drips over his fingers before he’s even fully entered her. 

He starts pumping her a little and she gasps trying to keep her voice quiet knowing that Gus, despite the syrup that would knock him out for the night, could still wake up. Bellamy must read her thoughts because he briefly stops, looks behind him and checks on the kid before pulling in the small curtain made of old canvas Aurora brought to separate their beds and give them some semblance of privacy.

“Then all I can do is keep saying it, shouldn’t I?” he asks when he brings his attention back to her and starts sneaking his hand back in her panties while his other never left her breast. She had noticed he liked that-teasing her boobs, licking them, sucking on them, kissing them-it brought him immeasurable joy. 

Just before he actually mananges to get back in, he grabs his wrist and pulls it out and a little away from him, meeting his confused expression.

“No more of this-” she says not leaving room for discussion “I want you-” her hand goes down to his bulge and covers it, making him suck his breath in “In me, okay?”

“Clarke-” he shakes his head “We can’t.”

“Yes, we can.” she insists running her palm up and down his still hidden by the boxers cock “You’ll pull out before you-” she blushes at that and he smirks a little “I’ll find some of that tea that I know Factory women use.”

“That’s not exactly reliable.” he argues “We can’t get you pregant.” he says seriously “If you sneaking around doesn’t get you caught or punished, then this surely will and I won’t risk it.” she knows he’s right-if by any chance she got pregnant they won’t have access to any medical falicity, she had no way of getting an abortion, at least not one that won’t endanger her life. She knew the statistics even if nobody talked about them-at least twenty percent of the deaths in Factory and Farm each year came from women trying to get an abortion through various unsafe ways and it always made her furious. While Alpha had condoms, something she was sure Bellamy had probably never seen in his life even if he surely must’ve heard of it, as well as birth control pills, Factory, Farm and Arrow had nothing but old women’s tales, bad teas that didn’t work or worked only halfways and their own desperate ways of doing this just so they’re not floated.

“I won’t get pregnant.”

“You don’t know that.” he insists though he gasps again when she squeezes his dick through the thin paper boxers “Clarke, fuck I-” she cups his cheek again with her other hand and tilts his head up.

“We can do this.” she insists “I know we can and Bellamy, I-” she digs her nails in his cheek a little as she grinds on him some more, purposedly lifting herself up and then lowering her center right on his hard cock, looking for release “I really need you.”

His hands slide from her boob and her middle to her waist and he grips her hard there before he speaks, through ragged breaths.

“Are you sure?” he asks “Are you really sure you want this?” she smiles at that, always the gentleman, always asking her if she’s okay with anything, before his fingers ghost over her cunt or her nipple, before she wraps her hand around his cock even though it was her idea to jerk him off or before his lips taste her wetness as he eats her out-always, always asking god-

It was too much, she couldn’t handle the softness that was this man.

“I’m sure.” she whispers staring into his eyes “Take me.” she insists.

“You’re no one’s to take-” he insists as he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear “You’re someone to love.” he kisses the corner of her lips and waits until she gives him another small nod before he flips them over.

She’s honestly not sure where he gets the strength to do that, considering how bad his back and leg were and she doesn’t miss the way he winces at the sharp movement but he ignores it for the sake of this, for the sake of them.

He grabs the hem of her shirt, that was his shirt really and pulls it off so hard she hears the seams protest at the movement and she can’t help but chuckle at it. 

“Eager, aren’t we?” she jokes when he takes a moment to just stare at her bare chest and marvel at her boobs.

“Can’t blame me now, can you?” he asks when he moves down to kiss her again and tuck at her PJs and panties with one swift movement. She wraps her arms around his middle again, trying to be mindful of his back because he does tense when her heel ends up near what she can feel is one of the bigger scars from the bomb but there’s nothing she can do to ease his pain.

“Are you....are you okay?” she asks him when he pulls away for a second and is about to move to give some attention to her other boob and he gives her a confused look “Are you in pain?”

“I’m fine.” he promises and moves over to kiss her forehead in reassurance while her hands ghost over his face and pull his lips to her once more-she swore she couldn’t get enough of him right now and she only grew hotter, dripping over the sheets and rubbing against him impatiently. 

“Who’s eager now?” he jokes when he rubs against her to tease her a little and she gasps.

“You have too many clothes.” she pulls at his shirt and she’s almost halfway through when he grips her wrist.

“Are you sure you want to see this?” the question confuses her and for a moment she has absolutely no idea what he’s talking about until he grabs her hand and slides it over his front and then back where his scars were “This could ruin the mood.” her heart drops at that and her eyes widen.

He was ashamed of himself, of his body, she realized and it hit her like a train. It made all the sense to her now-why before he kept his shirt on when they fooled around, he wouldn’t let her hands sneak to his back or leg, how he was too shy and embarrassed when she was blowing him, her hands and face too close to the scar on his leg and why he finished so fast, almost making her wonder if she did something wrong. 

God no, did he really think that he was ugly? That he could ruin something with his scars?

“Please tell me you’re kidding?” she asks then, letting herself fall on the pillow for a moment breathing heavily as he kept hovering over her, resting on his strong arms. “Bellamy, this is nothing to be ashamed of.” she insists and drops her feet lower so she could put her hand over his scars and cover them with her palm. 

“It’s not exactly sexy.” he says and she can hear his voice tremble.

“Yes it is.” she insists and he shakes his head clearly in his head for the moment so she picks his face and forces him to meet her eyes “It is. They’re part of you and if you’re making me embarrassingly wet then so are they, got it?” he chuckles at that and she tugs at his shirt “Now take this off and fuck me before I have to do it myself.” 

“So bossy.” he laughs a little, quietly so that Gus doesn’t hear them and lets her pull it off. She knows the conversation’s not over, that they’ll go through that later when they’re done but for now they were both hot and crazy for each other and needed to be together, truly together, for the first time.

She blushes at the sight of his chest as much as he had when he saw her but it is when she pulls his boxers down and sees how hard he is that she unvoluntarily spreads her legs even more and makes him chuckle again a little before she nudges him with her hands on his back, urging him to come to her.

He maneuvers himself closer and she can feel the tip of his cock at her center and yet again, right before he enters her, he looks into her eyes and asks once more. She gives him a small nod and finally he pushes in and Clarke gasps out louder than she thought she would, making him scold her lightly as he ran his hand down her forehead and stroke her face.

“Shh, it’s okay.” he whispers as he plasters kisses all over her face. Clearly he wasn’t her first one but as embarrasing as it was for her to admit, she hasn’t been with a boy in a while, mostly fooling around with girls back in Alpha during her residency and then just one boy before in her high school days, who was unfortunately not good at this. 

The thing was, Bellamy was big, she knew that, it was one of the reasons why she got so wet just thinking about having him in her and he stretched her out in a way that was both a little painful and amazing at the same time.

It was too much, god, it was so much she could probably come just from having him in her like this.

He waits until she adjusts to him, keeps giving her small reassurances that made her heart fill with even more love-he was so gentle, so soft but she could feel his hips tremble with anticipation and she knew this was too much for him especially for someone with a very fucked up back and a barely working leg, so she wraps herself around his waist once more and puts her hands on his shoulders.

“You can...you can move now” she tells him and he smiles moving himself up from the crook of her neck and pulling away a little before slamming into her slowly. He is still gentle, still considerate of it all but soon enough it’s too much and she just needs him to be faster so she urges him with her heels pressing into his back and he is pulling in and out faster inbetween kissing her and teasing her breasts.

His hands roam freely everywhere, her chest, her nipple, her stomach-he knew that was her soft spot so he ran his calloused fingers there for a bit making her shudder with lust and want before sneaking his hand behind her back and pulling her up, closer to him as he fucked into her fast and hard. She closed her eyes and rest her chin on his shoulder, wrapped herself entirely on him, her hands locked on his back as well as her legs.

They both knew they wouldn’t last long but he was adamant at making sure she comes first, so he carefully sneaks his hand down to her clit and runs his rough finger over it making her scream a little.

“Shhh, you’ll wake him!” Bellamy stops and moves his hand away from her when they wait for Gus, who they hear move in bed, settle down. 

“Sorry, shit...sorry, it’s just...you’re too much.”

“Oh, am I?” he asks with a smirk when he pulls at the curtain to check on Gus and thankfully finds that the kid just rolled over on his stomach like he loved sleeping and had his mouth open, drooling on the pillow. “He’s all good.” Bellamy promises when his hand moves back down to her boob which he was holding a moment before and cups it gently as he moves down and rubs her nose against his “Now lets get you good too, princess.”

She nods and watches as he moves his hand lower over her stomach and down to her crotch-it’s a beautiful sight, seeing him pull out of her and then back in, she finds herself mesmerized by the moment until he whispers in her ear.

“I love you, Clarke.” he says and she meets his eyes once more smiling as she cups his cheek.

“I love you too, Bellamy.” his eyes are so soft that she’s sure she can come from the look of his alone but it is his thumb pushing over the most sensitive parts of her that gets her done and she comes so hard she drags her nails over his back to ground herself and buries her head in his chest, trying to stifle her screams.

She coats his cock in so much come that she’s surprised by herself and it’s not until he strokes her head and shushes her that she realizes she had actually bit his arm as a way of grounding herself and when she pulls away she sees the imprint of her teeth over the skin on his shoulder.

“Shit, I’m sorry.”

“It’s nothing.” he whispers “And it’s better than waking a four year old.” he kisses the corner of her lip as she slides down on the pillows “I need to ...I have to cum too.” he whispers and she realizes how strained his face seemed just then, feels bad that she ignored him up until that moment and scolds herself mentally for it.

She gives him a nod and moves up a few more time times, pushes into her just to get himself there before he pulls out, grips his cock and spills all over her stomach.

The sight makes her cunt convulse once more and she realizes she’s dripped so much on the sheets she’s made a total mess of them but she finds out she doesn’t mind even if she’s a little shy and embarrassed about it.

“Hey...it’s okay.” he promises, pulling her over his chest for a brief kiss while she stares at his now soft cock and the cum he’s spilled on her. This could’ve happened inside her, she thinks, in another life, this could be the start of something new. “I’ll take care of this.” he promises and she watches him stand up and hobble to the bathroom.

She furrows her eyebrows when she realizes what a strain this is for him and his back and how selfish she had been but she’s still so spent and soft and vulnerable that when he comes back and wipes her stomach clean, she can’t help but inch closer to him. He chuckles and picks her up in his arms only halfway so he could kiss her forehead.

“I have to change the sheets if we want to sleep in a clean bed.” he rubs his nose against hers “Okay, princess?”

“Mwhm.” she mumbles but grips his shirt that she unhappily finds he put back on with her fingers.

“You’re totally spent, aren’t you?” he asks a little too smug and she groans “Did I take all your strenght away?”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Bellamy Blake, I was already pretty tired from saving all those lives.” he laughs quietly and kisses her again before pulling back.

“If that’s what you want to tell yourself, princess.” she doesn’t know how he manages to pull her up and move her to what is a metal chair by the table, she just realizes she slumps there and starts dozing off while he shuffles behind her with the sheets and pillows. 

When he picks her up again she doesn’t miss the painful groan that leaves his lips or how bad he’s limping.

“Put me down!” she tries as she pats his chest weakly “I can walk.” he chuckles at that as he puts her down and cradles her face.

“Not to sound so smug but-” he tucks the blankets over her legs “I kind of doubt that, princess.” she grunts at that but lets him tuck her in and when he slides besides her she immideatelly snuggles into his chest. He chuckles a little again but pushes her to him and allows her to rest her head over his beating heart. 

He’s tired and in pain, that much she can tell considering how tense his body is underneath her so she makes herself a promise that tomorrow, the first thing she’ll do is take care of his back and leg, before he has to go to work or feed Gus or even go out there to grab them rations.

She feels his hand rub up and down her back and every now and then he’d kiss the top of her head or tuck a strand of hair away. It was as if he couldn’t get enough of her and she understood this because her hands never really left his body either.

Clarke’s pretty sure that if they weren’t as tired, she could sneak her hand down his now fresh pair of boxers and get them going once more. It was enough to just be lying on his rigid chest to get her center pooling and he must feel this, he must know because he leans down to kiss her and it’s hot, wet, messy and sleepy.

“Princess-”  he warns a little when they move sideways, looking in each other’s eyes and her hand teases the hair on his stomach before desperately reaching for the hem of his boxers. He grabs her wrist and shakes his head “We can take it easy, you know? The one thing we have is time.” she groans unhappy, protesting quietly at that and he smiles cupping her cheek again.

“I want you in me.” she begs and he rubs his nose against her.

“I was just in you a moment ago, Clarke.”

“Again.” she whines and she knows that she does sound like Gus, a kid who desperately asks for more candy or to play just a little longer or not to go to bed so early and Bellamy can’t say he minds that side of her.

He’s never been that wanted before. Maybe with Gina when they were still in their honeymoon phrase but after...after they just had so many things going on that sex was a one time occurance every other month-they were both so tired and broken, busy to make sure she’s okay or that Gus is fine and that they had enough to eat. Problems overwhelmed them for the time being. He often thought if later the more the kid grow, the more time they’d have for themselves but he never got to know, not really. He lost her too soon. 

He sighs, buries his nose in her hair and breaths her in-did he really deserve all this? Did he deserve to be loved?

He scolded himself mentally and let her hand go, allowing her to reach down and tug at his boxers, grab his already half hard dick. He didn’t need much-just to have her nipples rub against his chest or her lips kissing his neck or her fingers...god her fingers-

He was like a horny teenager. Frankly, he wasn’t sure he’s been that hot even when he was seventeen. Back then he had too many things to worry about as well. 

He lets her pump him a few times and when he’s hard enough, he easily spreads her legs and pushes in her. He manages a few slow thursts but that’s pretty much it-they were once again together.

He tucks her in the crook of his neck and feels her give him a small gentle kiss there while her hands roamed up and down his still bruised sides.

“You haven’t gained any weight.” she comments and he smiles-Clarke, always the nurturor, always the carer “And you hurt.”

“It’s bearable.” he whispers “With you and Gus here, I can take on anything.”

“I wish you didn’t have to.” she mumbles and he knows she’s on the verge of sleep “I wish you were happy.”

“I am.” he insists and she looks up at him with tired eyes making him so soft for her that he can’t help himself and just pushes her closer to his chest “I have everything I could ever ask for.” he promises and kisses her forehead one last time “Now sleep, princess.” she tucks her head under his chin and he smiles at how affectionate she was in this moment. She was so small in his arms yet she fit so perfectly.

If someone had told him that he’ll fall in love again after Gina, he’d have never believed them-frankly, he had no idea how he even survived and if he had to be completely honest, he wasn’t sure what happiness truly felt like but he knew he had experienced it at least a few times-first when he married Gina, then when he held Gus in his arms for the first time and now...

Now he was pretty sure was the third time if only because his heart was bursting with joy, he felt light and he just couldn’t, even when he knew he was already falling asleep, stop smiling. 

Chapter 43

Notes:

A/N: Thank you all for being so patient with me! The truth is, as I've said before that I've written ahead for this story and then stopped in favor of my other one but I'm reluctant to post or more like I'm prolonging it because I'll reach a point, very soon, that I know you won't like.

Anyway, thank you for reading!

Comments and kudos are much appreciated!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

The morning came faster than Bellamy ever wanted it too but for once it wasn’t him who woke up first-it was Clarke. Apparently having him in her was provoking some hot dreams because he woke to her eyes still barely opened and her pulling his head down by the neck to kiss him. He wasn’t sure if she was dreaming or if she knew what she was doing but he smiled and felt her move up and down a little, fucking herself on him.

He groaned and gripped her by the waist, grunting in her mouth as he kissed her back.

“Princess?” he mumbled “Are you awake or are you having a hot dream?”

“Both.” she mumbles when she pulls back a little and opens her eyes. The softness he finds there overwhelms him and he can’t prevent himself from pushing in her too, desperate to find some friction as he was pretty sure he could feel his dick twitching even when inside her. 

“Can’t get enough of me, can you now?” he whispers when he kisses her cheeks and then meets her lips for a wet and hot kiss while her hands roam on his ribs under his shirt. 

He hissed when he felt her hand run over the worst part of his back, the most fucked up and hurt one and she suddenly stopped, opened her eyes wide awake and took his head in her hands.

“How bad is it?” it was bad, that much he could tell, he could barely feel his leg right now and he knew that in just a moment as he started moving around, he’d feel even more numb and then he’d get that horrible thingly feeling after which the sharp bouts of pain that felt like him being shock lashed would come crashing in and he’d have to squeeze his eyes shut and try to ground himself.

It was the same thing every morning-the pain was so overwhleming that some times he had to drag himself to the bathroom, lock himself up and slide to the floor praying for it to just be over until it eventually let go.

But most mornings, he couldn’t make it out of bed so he just lay there, away from Clarke so she doesn’t feel it, gripped his thigh and squeezed his eyes shut in a quiet prayer for it to just pass. 

“I think you’ll have to be on top this morning.” he jokes and she shakes her head at that but when he thirsts a little into her and she kisses him all hot and wanting, she can’t help herself and when he is the one to roll them over yet again, this time with him under her, she really wants to stop and ask him if he’s sure but he doesn’t give her the time to do so. 

With his eyes so big and bright, so full of love and want, she can’t help herself, she leans closer, kisses him, lets her hands roam over his chest despite the shirt he had on and then starts moving, slowly, lazily. 

Clarke knew they didn’t have that much time-the clock on the wall by the door told her it’s half past five-he had to get up at around six to grab them rations, then get himself ready for work, wake Gus and help him eat, prepare him for a day without him there. 

They couldn’t allow themselves the pleasure of taking all their clothes off and marveling or paying attention to each and every part of their bodies-that would be reserved for the night but they could still enjoy each other’s company, bring each other over the edge before the beginning of a hard day.

He’s in pain, that much she can tell because even when he sits up and sucks her nipple through her shirt, he groans and not all of it is from the pleasure. He’s tense and his eyebrows are furrowed but she hopes that she can take his mind off of it at least a little as she fucks him and tugs the back of his curls, exposing his neck for her to suck on.

Just as last night, she’s the first to come and when she’s over the edge, he’s quick to slip away from her and she groans unhappily, too used to having him in her after spending the night together. When he’s off, he reaches to stroke himself a few times and she swats his hand away when she sees it.

“No, let me-” she insists breathlessly, her cunt still convulsing and wetting the sheets underneath them, yet again. She had to do laundry today as much as she hated it. He chuckles a little and drops his dick, let’s her pump him a few times, squeeze his balls and soon enough he comes as well, stifling his groans and leaning down to kiss her to try and quiet himself.

“Fuck, this is awesome, princess.” he whispers, glancing at the clock to check how much time he had before he needed to be up. He determines they could spare ten more minutes fooling around, kissing each other soo he pulls her over his chest since he was in too much pain to be the one in charge and they kiss each other lazily as their hands roam up and down under the sheets.

Bellamy’s about to move his head down and pay some attention to her other boob which he ignored during their fun times when they hear Gus’ voice loud and clear.

“Dada?” he asks “Clarke? What are youw doing?” Clarke jumps from her place so hard she hits her head in the top bunk and grunts loudly while Bellamy scrambles up with the blankets and pulls them over himself even though he’s technically dressed.

When they look at the kid they find him standing up in his PJs, rubbing at his eyes that were a little drowsy and sleepy but definitely wide awake.

“Gus-” Bellamy sits up on his elbows and tries to stifle a groan as Clarke rolls over by her side of the bed and breathes heavily, hiding behind his body for the time being. “What are you doing up, son, it’s still early?”

“I wasn’t sweepy anymow, dada.” he says and tilts his head at them “What awe you doing?”

“Nothing, Clarke and I were just uh-” he clears his throat and looks at her for support but she’s trying very hard not to laugh and he rolls his eyes at her childish behavior “We were just cuddling, cause Clarke’s cold.”

“Are you awkay?” Gus prods, taking a step forward and limping to the bed. Bellamy curses, shoves his hands under the blankets and pulls his boxers before picking Gus up in his lap. 

“We’re good.” Bellamy assures. “Are you okay? Did we wake you?” Gus shakes his head and nestles on Bellamy’s chest, staring up at him and peaking at Clarke behind his dad’s back curiously. She tries to compose herself and comes closer to the boys, rolling on her side and reaching for Gus’ little hand, kissing his fingers as she moved up too. 

“Dada, were you kissing doctor Clarke?” Gus asks next and Bellamy swallows hard, cursing quietly under his nose “I saw youw kissing hew.”

“I uh-...” he takes a deep breath and gives Clarke a look, suggesting he’ll definitely need her help here so she sits up in bed and he feels her arm hanging over his shoulder while her other hand stroked Gus’ head. The kid seemed a little confused but not spooked-he was looking between him and her surprised and Bellamy could see all the little gears running in his head trying to make sense of what he had just saw.

This was the worst possible way this could’ve happened, Bellamy thinks. They haven’t discussed much about this but they thought that when they told him, they’d sit him down and explain it slowly, carefully, so that he had the time to sink it in. 

What was happening right now was just proof that Bellamy’s plans always went to hell. He glances at Clarke once more and she gives him a little nod as she sits by his side and holds Gus’ frostbitten foot in her hand, gently rubbing over it in a soothing manner.

“I was kissing her yes.” he admits and Gus stares at him for a moment, not saying anything. He looks between them and holds his hands together like he did when he was trying to make sense of things.

Bellamy decides to give him a moment and waits for him to speak up first, simply keeping his hand on his back, arm wrapped tightly around him pushing him to his side.

“Grandma Rory says that when people love each othew they kiss.” he rubs his chin before looking up at them again “Do you love each othew?” 

Bellamy smiles and meets Clarke’s eyes as he leans closer and rubs his forehead against her for a brief moment.

“Yes, we do.” Bellamy says finally when they pull away “How do you think you feel about that?” Gus looks at them for a moment and Bellamy’s heart trumps loudly in his chest-he’s trying to prepare himself for a full four year old meltdown but then Gus surprisingly smiles brightly, claps his hands and yelps a little.

“I was right!” he exclaims and it’s Clarke and Bellamy’s turn to exchange confused glances as the kid shuffles in Bellamy’s lap and keeps beaming at them.

“You were...you were right, son?” Bellamy asks tilting his head at his baby boy and Gus keeps clapping his hands joyfully like he hasn’t been since the night when the electricity stopped and he got the frost bite.

“Gus been wondering if dada and doctor Clarke like each other more than friends.” he explains and furrows his eyebrows for a moment “Fwiends don’t kiss wait?”

“No, they don’t.” Bellamy assures running his hand down his hair and leaning over to kiss his forehead “But back up a little-you’ve been thinking about this?” Gus nods a little too enthusiastically again and Clarke doesn’t miss the way his legs jerk up and down as if he’s about to hop off his dad’s lap and do a happy dance any second now. 

“Yeaw, Gus had been asking gwandma Rory questions.”

“What kind of questions?” Bellamy keeps prodding “Why didn’t she tell me anything?”

“Bellamy-” Clake reaches over to squeeze his arm and gives him a look that suggests none of this is important and he was overthinking it yet agian. Bellamy sighs, clearly very much confused-they’ve both been very scared as to how Gus may take the news of them being together, they had been preparing for a total meltdown this entire time and to have him...happy and somewhat expecting this came more of a surprise to them than Gus seeing them kissing.

“Gus, do you want to ask us any questions about this?” she chimes in next, cupping the boy’s cheek and running her thumb under his beautiful green and brown eye, the same as his mother's obviously “Maybe we can give you more answers than grandma Rory, especially after what you just saw?”

Gus hmms and rests his back against his dad’s arm as he thinks over Clarke’s suggestion.

“Have you been together long?” he asks finally and they both shake their heads simultaniously before Bellamy speaks up.

“Not that long, son.”

“But you didn’t tell Gus?” he sounds a little hurt, offended even, as if up until now he was their biggest supporter and he ended up being the last one to know. Frankly, Clarke realizes he had the right to be angry about it.

“We were trying to figure out the right time to do so. We didn’t want to overwhelm you, baby boy.” Bellamy continues and looks at Clarke for support.

“That and we were....a little scared. More like I was.” she admits something she hasn’t let out loud not even to Bellamy who’s head snaps a little surprised at that but she keeps her eyes trained on Gus who gives her a confused look.

“Why wewe you scawed?”

“Well...I didn’t want you to feel like I am trying to replace your mom, which I am not or that I want your dad to focus on me more than you.” she blurts out and she feels Bellamy’s hand sneak on her back, rubbing it softly in support “I didn’t want you to...hate me.”

“I could never hate you, doctor Clarke!” Gus exclaims in loud protest “I love you!” he blurts out next and throws himself in her arms, wrapping his hands in a dead lock around her neck.

Clarke’s eyes fill with tears and when she looks up at Bellamy, she finds that he wasn’t much better off. His hands shook and he was dabbing at his eyes with his shirt, blushing in the most embarrassing of ways for being the first one to crack. 

He was so soft and emotional that she couldn’t help but reach over, put her hand on the back of his neck and push him to her chest, next to Gus.

“I love you too, Gus.” she says kissing his head and then moving onto Bellamy’s “I love both of my boys so much.”

Gus peaks up when they rub their noses against each other and smirks a little devilishly.

“Kiss!” he exclaims.

“Gus, baby boy-” Bellamy tries but the kid is relentless.

“Kiss!” he demands and Clarke chuckles a little before meeting Bellamy’s eyes.

“Your son asked you something.”

“I think he asked us something, princess.” he whispers back “And he’s our son now.” it’s her turn to get teary eyed and she chokes on her emotions which he quickly takes in and shares with her when he presses his lips against hers. It’s not a deep tongue passionate lusty kiss, no, it’s nothing like that-it’s just soft and vulnerable, just as they were right now. A kiss that brought them together in the next most important moment of their lives-sharing this with Gus.

“You happy now, son?” Bellamy asks when they pull apart and Gus stretches over his little feet on Clarke’s lap while he keeps his back pressed against his dad’s side. Gus hmms like an old man, rubs his chin and shrugs a little.

“It’s okay, dada.”

“Okay?” Bellamy asks in disbelief before looking up at Clarke “Did you hear him? He said it was okay?”

“I think that he’s bound for a punishment what do you say?” she suggests giving him a wink, making his lips stretch in a smile as he nods.

“I agree.” he looks briefly down at Gus who’s confused about their conversation “You ready?” he asks her and Clarke nods before both of them lean down and start peppering Gus’ body with kisses all over-his forehead, his cheeks, his hands, even his legs and toes. Bellamy sneaks in his fingers too, tickling him a little and soon enough the boy is squirming in joy underneath them.

They move him to the bed and roll around in it together over the blanekts of course, since the sheets were once again a mess. Gus laughs and climbs on them, most of all on his dad, then tries to tickle him and Clarke too and she can see that Bellamy’s heart eases a little to see his son like this. After all the pain and suffering of the past week, Gus going back even if a little to himself was a loud off Bellamy’s weary shoulders.

“Okay, dad will go grab us breakfast.” he finally says when he sits up and Clarke notices how his hand shoots for his knee right away. He stops briefly, closes his eyes and sucks in his breath.

Gus must feel something’s wrong because he sneaks from under his right arm and looks up at his dad like a puppy.

“Dada, are you okay?”

“I’m good.” he lies but Clarke covers her hand over his on his knee and yet he doesn’t move, not right away. She leans over so that Gus doesn’t overhear them.

“Is it too bad?” she asks and he just shakes his head stubbornly, refusing to give her a real answer “I’ll take care of it when you come back, alright?” she adds “Gus will help me too.”

“Yey!” he claps his hands again happily but then leans into his dada’s side and perches his chin on his chest, looking upwards. “Dada, is everything gon be olrait?” Bellamy runs his hand down his head once more, seemingly his favorite sign of showing his son’s his love apart from holding him and kissing his forehead. 

“Everything will be fine, my boy.” Bellamy promises and kisses him and Clarke’s sides once more before getting up and dressing himself. He hides in the bathroom on purpose, Clarke knows this, he didn’t want Gus to see him struggling to even put his clothes on or notice his scars-he hid his pain away or at least tried to not just from her but from the boy as well and while she understood why he did it, she was pretty sure that Gus could handle it just as well as she was. 

On the way to the door she reminds him to grab his cane as his crutch got ruined last night and he smiles but takes the old metal rod he used as one even if he didn’t feel like it. She had to figure out a way to get him a new crutch as it provided more support for not just his leg but his whole side too.

When it’s just her and Gus, she helps him to the bathroom. He still can’t or more like is too scared to walk on his own but she insists she holds his hand and he tries to do it himself instead of her carrying him. She pushes him a little which is what he seems to need but she still helps him up the chair on the bathroom sink when she notices him wince from the pain and she hands him his toothbrush and helps him wipe his face away with the towel. 

She lets him pee on his own and trusts him to change into his clothes while she fixes the sheets and prepares some formula fo him. When he exits the bathroom, she picks him up in her arms and he folds in on herself like he often did with Bellamy-trusting her to give him the warmth he needed. 

Gus was still sleepy that time of day, it was before his usual kindergarden awakening and it’s what Bellamy called, the pre-proper wake so he doesn’t fight her as much on eating as she expects but he wakes up more when she sits him down on the chair and holds the bottle to his lips, instead of falling asleep.

He sucks on his milk eagerly, much better than he had yesterday and she smiles somewhat relieved at that, knowing it’d make Bellamy breathe a little easy too. Gus snuggles into her chest when he’s done with the bottle and Clarke lets him suck on her index finger like he did with his dad often, knowing it sooths him even more but his eyes are wide awake and staring at her.

“Do you feel alright, sweet face?” she asks leaning over to rub her nose against his and make him squirm “Is something on your mind?”

Gus shrugs a little but lets her finger go and rests his cheek against her chest.

“Dada loves you now, right?”

“He does.”

“But does he still love mama?” Clarke’s heart clenches at that and she has to swallow hard and take Gus’ hand in hers, squeezing them tightly as she responds.

“Gus, I can assure you that he loves your mom very much and that will never go away.” Gus ponders on that for a bit, eyebrows furrowed, clearly not entirely convinced by her words so she tugs his arm a little and tries to bring his attention to her “The thing about your dad is that...his heart is very big.” she smiles at Gus and he look up at her eyes big and concetrated on her words “It is the biggest one I’ve ever seen in my life and I’ve done open heart surgeries.”

“Really?” Gus asks in awe making her smile even brighter and touch the tip of his nose.

“Absolutely.”

“But you haven’t seen my dada’s heart...have you?” Gus asks confused and she shakes her head.

“I don’t need to. I know that it holds all the love that it can for your mama, for you, for grandma...for me and for all his friends and somehow it only seems to grow.” 

“Hm” Gus says quietly patting his cheek with his finger like a grown man until he comes up with his next question and his eyes get a shade of fear in their irises “Do you think it can burst?”

“No.” Clarke assures “Of course not.”

“But how do you know?”

“Because he doesn’t keep it all in there-” she pats Gus’ chest “His love for those cloesest to him is in every action, every little thing that he does.” Gus keeps looking at her curiously as she takes his hand and runs her finger over his little knuckles “He does so many things out of love, it just radiates from him.”

“Like the sun warming the ground in ouw lesson the othew day?”

“Exactly.” Clarke praises and runs her hand down his curls again “Smart boy.” Gus gets blushy at the praise as he usually did and buried his face in Clarke’s chest in order to hide from her but she knows that what he’s really seeking is her warmth and comfort. 

“Clarke?” he asks after a while of just being there with her in the soft and sweet embrace she could provide for him.

“Yes, baby boy?”

“Are you my mama now?” he asks peaking from under his curls up at her looking smaller than he actually was and Clarke is a little bit taken aback at first so she sucks in a breath before helping him raise up into a more sitting position, desperate to see his face better. Gus squirms in her, plays with his fingers and tugs at his shirt nervously before she speaks up.

“Gus, you already have your mom, you do know that, right?” Gus nods eagerly “Nobody can ever replace her or what she did for you. Your dad and I...we’re not trying to do that, do you understand that?” Gus shrugs a little but nods a little tentatively.

“I know mama is always with me.” Gus mumbles under his nose “And I know you’re not my real mama but...I’m not sure what...what it feels like to have one.” Clarke’s heart clenches at that and she has to bite back her tears and keep herself together and before she can say something Gus keeps on “I have a dada and I know what that’s like but what does a mama do?”

“It’s not that much different, Gus-they love you and care for you more than themselves or the world just like your dad.”

“Weally?” Clarke nods and smiles a little.

“Sometimes people say that the fathers tend to spoil the kids more while moms are more strict but I think your dad...he manages to do both of those things perfectly.”

“I think so too.” Clarke smiles at him as he keeps going “Gwandma Rory says dada spoils me too much sometimes but I know when he says something has to be done, Gus gotta do it laik homework.”

“That’s right. And he’s only being like that because he wants the best for you, you know that, right?” Gus nods and pushes his index finger to munch on again, probably because he was still hungry and Clarke hoped Bellamy will be back with breakfast soon as apparently a bottle of milk was no longer enough for a growing boy like his son. 

“Gus, your dad and I ...we’re not trying to fill in that place in your heart that is reserved for your mom, okay?” she explains carefully “We just love each other and I want to help him raise you, spent time with you. You don’t have to call me anything but just Clarke,okay?” Gus nods and she can see he still had many questions going on in his head but for now that would have to be enough. She was sure that later when Bellamy was home after work, he’d find the time to talk to him and ask him if he had any questions too and she was sure he’d be great at it. “Now do you want us to draw some while we wait for dad?” Gus nods eagerly and they take out his notebook and the pencils she bought him all those months ago. 

He asks for a giraffe, his new favorite animal, then for a dog with ruffled hair and a parrot with colorful wings. Clarke starts getting worried that Bellamy’s taking that much time and keeps glancing at the clock every few minutes. Gus notices it because he stops coloring and leans his back on her chest reaching his tiny hand for her cheek and cupping it softly.

“Don’t wowry, Clarke, there’s a big line for breakfast in the mowning. Dada just has to wait.” he explains and Clarke kisses his fingers softly, rubbing his back and promising him she’s all good.

Bellamy does get home a lot later than expected, just before he has to go to work. 

“I’m sorry, it was crazy this morning but I grabbed you coffee.” he comes in limping, carrying a small tray of two bowls of porrige, some jerky, grape, two apples and two cups of coffee as well as some toest with butter and honey on it. He kisses the top of her head and ruffles Gus’ curls. “I have to change and leave for work.”

She scoffs at that angrily-her plan was to take care of his leg this morning but it seemed like she won’t get the chance to.

“Bellamy-” she tried, gripping his hand and pushing him back to the table but he shakes his head.

“I have to go, princess.” he leans down to capture her lips with his and rub his nose against her for the briefest of seconds “We’ll do it tonight, okay?” she sighs and is about to let him go when she tugs at him again.

“At least get some toast.”

“Let me shower first.” he promises and she makes a mental note to force the toast in his hand later which in fact, she does. He’s at the door limping heavily and coughing his lungs out once again when she gives him the piece of bread and helps him take a few sips of his coffee while he adjusts his hat and kisses Gus’ head goodbye, promising him to be good today, do his homework and listen to Clarke.

She thinks that tonight, she’ll force him to sit down while she massages his leg but as usually their plans all go to hell mostly because she is swamped by work in Factory and Farm that they have to cross again for more than one patient. 

By the time they come back home, Bellamy is barely forcing his leg to move, he’s coughing hard and Gus is asleep in his cot while his mom works on mending some clothes by their metal table.

He’s so exhausted, they both are really that they don’t eat-they simply lie in bed together. She still manages to force two spoons of cough syrup before he passes out in bed and as Aurora leaves, eyes filled with worry and sadness, she grabs Clarke’s hand and squeezes it tight.

“This new job...” she says “I’m worried about him.”

“Don’t! I’ll take care of him.” Clarke promises but the truth is that she doesn’t, not really. She knows his leg is stiff, she made him promise that he’ll let her take care of it and still all she can do that night after spending hours saving lives is lie by his side and have him pull her to his chest.

He grunts in pain, she hears him and it’s not a one time-occurance-he hurts a lot because she can tell he squirms under the blankets and suck in his breath. Her eyes water and she reaches to hold his hand in quiet support but it’s not enough, not for what he’s going through anyway.

She tries to stand up, thinks that she can force herself to get back on her feet and wrap his leg in a cold compress to take some of the swelling away but she simply falls asleep.

At some point at night, Gus wakes up and calls out for his dad, she hears Bellamy talk to him and lift him up, settling the kid between the two of them. Gus buries his nose in his dad’s side and his back in Clarkes.

Despite everything, all the pain and misery, all the worries and complications, all the stress they went through in just one day, she thinks that this-being in bed with her favorite people, well...this must’ve been what her dad always wanted for her-happiness.

Chapter 44

The next few weeks pass pretty much like that-Bellamy goes to work early in the morning and when he comes back, he picks Clarke up and they both do arounds for the people in Factory or Farm or even Arrow who had contacted Harper and asked for medical help. Then they'd come back home a little after curfew and have dinner together with a half-asleep Gus who always insisted on waiting for them and a very worried Aurora who kept eyeing her son with angry looks whenever he so much as coughed.

Word quickly spread that the former doctor who ran medbay in Factory for a while, the Alpha princess who saved lives, continued doing so and that in turn scared Bellamy because he knew that the more everyone discussed Clarke and her services, the more exposed she was to being possiby caught by the guards and locked up.

But as much as he feared everything, he knew that there was no stopping his princess. She was helping so many-patching up frostbites, saving kid’s lives as well as adults, stitching work wounds or trying to ease the pain of those most unfortunate-people like him who had chronic conditions or those who suffered from incurable diseases and were simply slowly dying out without any medical help whatsoever.

In the short amount of time in which Clarke began helping the people of Factory and Farm, she quickly gained popularity, even more so than before when medbay was opened for everyone to visit her. Some have heard of her before but most of them hadn’t and despite them being a little reluctant to trust her or even ask for help, the moment she stepped in someone’s home, greeted them and took onto fixing the problem, they all fell in love with her.

Bellamy always kept watch. By now he was familiar with most of the guards on rotation in the different stations and passages but he had also taken notice as of when the teams were completely switched up which was the first or second date of each month. He carried a small notebook in which he wrote down the names of the guards that let them through as well as those who patrolled the hallways and soon enough, the more word spread about Clarke and her helping everyone out, the more allies they found.

It wasn’t just Harper now, no-she was assisting her but some nights she went on to Arrow or Factory on her own to deal with the less severe cases or simply kept a book with all of those who needed help in the upcoming days. Bellamy had to assist Clarke too on some occasions when the cases were more severe, even if he was squirmish and could barely look at her when she was giving a shot.

But it was not just the three of them anymore. Monty helped Harper find medicine and since he worked in Factory he also had access to some of the pain relievers like the pot that went for all Alpha residents. He had figured out how to grow it at home, hidden under the floor and lit up by battery lamps so they were using it to help those in their final moments or the patients that were in severe pain.

There were two women who sneaked around antibiotics as they worked in the pharmacy detail in Alpha and got Clarke medicine for the worst cases, the sickest people and Jasper and Maya who worked with Bellamy on level 11, turned out to have a secret brewery of sorts so they supplied them with endless bottles of moonshine for cleaning up the wounds.

They even had a guard who was helping them out-a young boy at about twenty from Farm who always made sure to be the one to let them pass right before curfew. He was a sweet fella called Alex with red hair and freckly face like Bellamy and he had quickly become their friend. Clarke helped his mother who broke her leg in a work incident and could’ve lost it, actually keep it, and he swore to god he’ll be indebted to them for the rest of his lives.

Thanks to Alex they knew when guard rotations were coming in and if some of his coworkers noticed Bellamy and Clarke moving in between stations too often, he was quick to distract them or call them out for someone else he noted as suspicious so that they could cross by safely.

To say that Clarke was happy with what she was doing would be an understatement-she was back in her waters, navigating them exactly as she wanted to despite the difficulties but what really broke her was the lack of access to real medicine or technology that she could use to help people.

As much as she loved this job, Bellamy could say this was also taking a mental toll on her and he was trying his best to take her mind off things. He had made it clear to Harper that the weekend was reserved for resting and they tried to spend it together as a family especially since Bellamy was missing Gus a lot lately with his work and then going out with Clarke in the evening and he was trying to compensate for it. 

His baby boy missed him too and on days off and at night when they were back, he wrapped himself around his dad and didn’t let go. He wouldn’t even want to walk or play around with his friends as long as Bellamy was there and Clarke just loved seeing them like this.

Gus had gotten back to day care after successfully recovering from his frostbite. He had been limping a little even then and Bellamy was reluctant and very scared to let him go which was cute. Gus had been the one consoling his dad when they left him at the gates of the place and promised that he’ll be a good boy, listen carefully and definitely not run around.

The weekends were spent lazily with Clarke usually waking up to Bellamy’s soft kisses on her neck, then lips and his dick pressing into the crack of her ass. They’ve learned very quickly how to be quiet so they don’t wake Gus up but even so, Clarke had trouble keeping all of her emotions in, especially when he always insisted she came first and he had to go through his climax mostly alone which was still the hottest thing she’s ever seen. Then when they were both done they’d get lazy and snuggly in bed. Bellamy liked being held, spooned, got very soft after sex and Clarke found that she liked it as it was the only time he actually let her do something for him-he let all walls collapse, all responsibilites go to hell and it was just him-her beautiful freckly boy.

She got lost in his body herself then-mapped the freckles on his back or shoulders, then moved to his face. She loved most of all climbing on top of him and kissing every part of his body away, giving him all his love. 

Sometimes she got him hard by just grinding a little against him and they had a second round, very close to the time Gus usually woke. Then one morning he caught them with Bellamy in her, surprisingly sneaking out of his bed and pulling at the improvised curtain they hung on at night for privacy as well as to kind of consolidate the warmth around the beds since electricity still stopped at about eleven through the whole night.

In that particular morning it seemed to Gus as if they were just snuggling so of course he wanted in on it too, he jumped in bed just fast enough for them to manage to pull away from each other and pick their underwear up. Later, Bellamy joked that he felt like he sprained his dick and Clarke laughed at him but she knew there was nothing better than having the kid there with them whenever he felt like it.

On a lazy Sunday afternoon after Clarke had managed to convince Bellamy to massage his leg and let him rest as much as he could, Gus has snuggled up for a story after lunch but fell asleep midway on his dad’s arm while Clarke rested her head on her hand, and stared at Bellamy stroking Gus’ hair. 

“He’s growing up too fast.” Bellamy mumbled looking down at him “It was only yesterday he’d pee on me right after I gave him a bath or let me change his diapers.” Clarke cracks a smile at that and runs her hand up and down Gus’ back making the boy push into her on instinct. “Won’t be long before he is a teenager that wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me.”

“That’s not true.” Clarke argued stubbornly “This boy loves you more than anyone-you have a special bond.” Bellamy shrugs but she knows that he agrees because he blushes a little. Still, to this time he didn’t think of himself as a good parent, he still constantly beat himself up. “Have you and Gina ever wondered...about...if the Ark allowed more kids, if you’d want one?”

“We did-” he smilled softly, genuinely “We’ve had those conversations. She wanted another boy and I-” he shakes his head.

“What?”

“I wanted at least five kids.” he had admitted a little sheepishly and Clarke gasped.

“Bellamy, no-” she moved up on the pillow to get a better look at him “You didn’t!” but he just nods and shrugs a little.

“I’ve always dreamed of a big family. I wanted Gus to have a sister, I think he’d have made a great big brother.”

“And the others? Don’t tell me you had the names figured out and everything?” he blushes again and she slaps his chest when she realized that she guessed right“Tell me!”

“Well after Gus, there’d be Cassie, short for Cassandra.”

“Poor girl.” he scoffed and furrowed his eyebrows at her.

“You asked for this, princess, now don’t make fun of me.”

“Of course, sorry-” she tried to keep herself from laughing, covering her mouth with her hand, eyes glistening with her typical devilish charm that he knew meant she was absolutely laughing in her head but he just loved her too much to be angry “Cassie, okay, then?”

“Then Rory, after my mom Aurora.” he continues uncurling his fingers from his left hand with his right index one and looking up at the ceiling as if he could all so clearly picture them “Then there’d be Andromeda who we’d call Andy.”

“Dear God, those poor babies.”

“Hey-you’re named Clarke!” he points out “Your parents weren’t exactly ordinary about picking a good Alpha girl name.” she knew he had a point here.

Most Alpha girls had quite the old-fashioned names like Grace, Karen, Edna, Elizabeth and so on which thankfully weren’t what her parents picked for her. Factory and Farm names as well as Arrow were quite unusual, which came with the history of the people who inhabited those stations back on Earth as well as when the Ark became one whole with the decision to unity all stations. She quite loved Bellamy’s name, as well as Aurora and Augustus was just so sweet and fit the kid perfectly. Deep down as much as she was mocking Bellamy in that moment, she quite liked the names he had picked and tried to picture the kids in her head as he spoke about them.

In her mind, she could see Bellamy sitting on a chair by the table with Gus by his side, reading from a book, a girl on his shoulders, another one tucked by his right side and an even smaller one on his left one-they’d all or at least mostly have his curly black hair and freckles except for Andy who’d have light brown hair and Rory who’d bear blue eyes instead of her dad’s brown ones. 

“What about the youngest one?” she asked next, peeking up at him curiously while he kept daydreaming, stroking her head with his hand mindlessly. “The fifth one?”

“Another boy.” he whispers “I’ve always liked the name River.”

“Not greek?” she teases but he shakes his head without a smile.

“I’ve always kind of been fascinated with water when I was a kid studying earth classes. I remember so vividly, when I was a kid how I looked at a picture in one of the books and I saw this small thin river making its way through the strong mountain rocks and I thought how it is a metaphor of life-” he got a little choked up on his feelings in that moment “our life.”

“In Factory.” he nods agreeing with her statement.

“The government makes it hard for us to live but somehow we find ways, we deviate here, find a path there where there was none and somehow we keep on flowing...keep on living.”

“That’s beautiful, Bellamy.” he had stared into her eyes then and spent a moment losing himself in her blue ocean, after which he shook his head as if to get rid of his dreams that were never possible and leaned down to kiss her forehead “Anyway, none of this will ever happen.”

“Maybe not for you or us...but one day for Gus? Or for his children perhaps? We don’t know when Earth will be survivable again but maybe they can have your little family.”

He smiles and pulls her closer to his chest.

“I won’t envy them. I don’t think life down there will be any less harder than it is up here. Especially if we keep that government.”

Clarke liked those conversations in the dark they had when the place was all quiet, Gus was asleep or mumbling little dreams under his nose about chasing a dog or playing with Jordan that made them laugh-it felt to her as if a smaller universe existed within theirs, one in which no one could ever hurt them, when they were together and everything was just good and warm and...soft.

Because they were so soft when they were entangled in one another and Clarke just needed him in her before she fell asleep, that became a habit of theirs.

But she knew all too well that things weren’t all rosy, that life wasn’t a fairty tale or a story or a daydream they could discuss in each other’s arms at night. Bellamy often woke up from the shapr pain in his leg-that is what brought her back to reality faster than anything else. Some nights it was so bad, all he could do was curl up on himself and let her spoon him or pull him to her chest and rock him like he did Gus.

She’d move up, go to the bathroom, drench some bandages in cold water or use whatever she had left of the special paste against swelling to plop over his knee and back before wrapping him up and propping his joints on pillows.

Still, he couldn’t sleep well and she’d often just sit up and talk to him or go do laundry by the sink while he moved to the table chair and tried to find a position that didn’t make him feel entrirely trapped as it often happened in bed.

It was similar when she was suffering from her own nightmares or terrors. She’d wake up gasping in his arms, sometimes outright yelling, waking even Gus up with her desperate screams, calling Jackson’s name and shaking. Bellamy would hold her hands to his chest, make her count his heart beats, breathe with him but sometimes when it was too extreme, he’d take her to the bathroom and dip her in some cold water to bring her back to him since he had no other way of helping her.

After, he’d strip her of all clothes and hold her to his body until she warmed up enough to be able to move. And when she did, she’d either pass out from the exhaustion or need to kiss him, hold him, even fuck him which he didn’t mind but he knew that this sex was different from the other times-it was love born out of need and softness and the desperation to feel something and in those moments he was often slow, very slow in pushing into her, gentle and sweet as he kissed her everywhere, sucked her breast, her neck her entire body.

He wouldn’t even cum those nights, he said he didn’t have to or that he could take care of it himself in the morning and in those times, her heart felt with love and warmth for her man who always put himself first. 

She could see work was taking its toll on him and that Aurora kept giving him the cold shoulder when it came to that but even she couldn’t deny that they were doing better especially in terms of food.

In just a week Gus had gained back the weight he lost after the frost bite. Bellamy was bringing in lots of fruit and vegitables as well as bread, meat and even eggs that Gus seemed to love. The kid was for once eating healthy and good and so were they. Bellamy was still rationing in his stupid 'I-have-to-be-the-responsible-dad' way, he barely touched his plate while he gave Clarke dirty looks trying to make her finish hers. 

That’s how she came up with the plan to prepare one whole bigger plate for the two of them and push him to eat his half while she finished hers and in a way it worked. When her fingers ghosted over his stomach at night, she still found it flat but not sunk on him and though she could feel his ribs, he was feeling less dizzy in the morning and she knew part of that was because he ate.

He had mentioned they forced them to have lunch at work too, so they could be the most productive but she still had no idea what was it they worked on exactly. She had heard her father talk about Level 11 and how they wanted to recover the engines there after the big fire from over three years ago but she also remembered her mom mentioning that the environment is unhealthy. Still, whenever she pushed him about it, he shook his head and shrugged it off saying he can’t really talk about it and though it made her angry she was trying to pick her battles.

Despite his reluctance and even flat out disagreement when it came to her practicing medicine in secrecy, his support never wavered. He came with her every evening, even when he was extremely tired, coughed a lot and barely walked. She had often tried to argue with him when she saw him coming home before they had to leave in the span of barely five minutes.

He was so tired that the only thing she wanted to do was push him in bed and command him not to move, tie him up if she had to but he always insisted and cut her protests off with a single glance-”No way I’m leaving you alone, princess. Ever.” and she wanted to cry when he said that. 

Harper had gotten her more than one fake ID and they carefully switched them up so she wouldn’t raise suspicion but on a couple of occassions when there were surprising guard rotations and Alex wasn’t the one on call, Bellamy had had to use his charm as well as his work ID card for them to pass through.

Though she had worked as a medic and a doctor before, even for the brief time in Factory, things now felt...much more personal. They were going into people’s homes and she could see truly how horrible everyone’s living conditions were.

On occassions, like the one time they visited one of the older mechanics from Factory who Bellamy knew by name of course and respected as his elder, the first person who showed him how to fix an engine and work mechanics, they found themselves in a room which was literally two by two. Henry had a small cot and a little metal table with a chair pressed opposite of it. All his clothes that were so meager were hung on a little hanger on the wall, he had one pair of boots, a photo of his diseased wife who died in Farm after working the gardens for many years and after his kid left home too he was moved here.

It was more of a closet than a living place really and with his broken leg he was barely making it up as it was without hitting another part of his body. Then there were families of three living in the same conditions with all of them huddling on the small cot or outright living on the floor on matresses and pilled up holey blankets. Some didn’t even have a table but used chairs or old metal drawers as such. 

“See, I think that we can call ourselves lucky with our one room and our own bathroom instead of a common one.” Bellamy had said on their way back when Clarke was so stunned she couldn’t talk.

And yet everyone met her with warm smiles and tight hand-squeezes. She realized for them she was a beacon of hope, a ray of sunshine from a star they’ve never seen but only imagined, a dream, a myth, for some perhaps, a saint.

They couldn’t pay them in any way and though Clarke insisted she doesn’t charge, they still shoved cans of beans in her or Bellamy’s hands, mashed potatoes, green peas or small pieces of cloth they knew could be used to mend something. Clarke refused to take them especially when the families were so poor they couldn’t even afford medicine but some were stubborn and said if she didn’t, they’d be offended.

“They don’t want you to see them as a charity case” Bellamy had explained “Those are people with their own pride and dignity and even if they don’t eat anything tonight, they’ll give you the little they have to pay you for what you’ve done for them.”

“But I don’t want them to starve!” she had opposed somewhat desperately and he had smilled, leaning on his newly fashioned metal cane that he had made himself with her help on a slower Sunday afternoon.

“Oh, princess, it’s not about that.” he tries to explain despite her angry stubborn frown that he just wants to kiss away “This is how we do things around here. We trade to survive, we give each other the smallest of presents to bring joy and those people...they skip meals daily, so this is nothing new for them. They give you this can of corn because they have pride, they have dignity and they know they’re not lesser than any Alpha citizent or the chancellor but also...they are different because they have good in them.” he smiles at her “Despite the tough times, they are good.”

Clarke stares down at the can in her hand but finally sighs and nods in agreement.

“Okay.” she says “But I still feel bad.”

“Don’t. And anyway, I’ll make sure they have something to eat tomorrow, okay?” he had promised as he kept on limping back home and she looked at him confused before rushing back after him.

“How? What do you mean?” Bellamy stops and leans on the wall, picking up a small notebook from his jumper’s front pocket which she knew he used for work or to make notes of things they needed so he could get the money to buy them but now he turns on a page where she sees his big block letters denoting the names of people and families “I keep track.” he says “To those we’ve helped and then I talk to Monty and Harper or Jasper and Maya and some of the other people I know around here.” he tucks it back in and zips his pocket before he keeps on “Next morning the Jameses will wake to a bag of rice and a few bean cans by their door step, don’t you worry.”

“But....but how?” she asks confused “Where do you get that from? How do you guys do this?”

Bellamy smiles again and keeps on walking.

“I’m not just your guardian, princess. I can’t simply sit outside and do nothing, I had to find a way to help too.”

“But-” she shook her head completely stunned. Some days, despite his good job now, they still couldn’t afford much so what was he doing? How was he getting people what they needed? Unless-”Are you spending your own ration points on others?” he avoids her look but she grabs his elbow and forces him to look at her “Bellamy-”

“Hey, I know what I’m doing, alright?” he insists “Plus, I can’t spend more than a few cans of beans or corn. Monty helps some with the rest.”

“The rest?”

“He has access to the storages.” Bellamy whispers when a few people pass them by and he fastens his step “He can grab a few ounces of flour here, some potatoes there, not much but enough for those people.”

Clarke’s heart fills with warmth again-here was her beautiful, intelligent, kind and yes, sometimes stubborn man, trying to find ways to help those less fortunate than him even though he himself couldn’t be considered even middle class by any Ark or Alpha standards. He was giving some of his own to help others, maybe that was why he still rationed his own food and picked at his plate and as angry as that made her for he was putting as always himself behind, she couldn’t help but just...love him.

When she stops abruptly and throws herself in his arms, he is so surprised he doesn’t hug her right away, unable to take his hand off his his crutch and keep his balance.

“Hey, easy there, princess-” he laughs a little in her ear “We’ll both end up on the ground.” she shakes her head and buries herself in his chest for a moment, letting him rub his hand up and down her back soothingly and kiss her hair “It’s okay, princess, it’s all fine. It’s not just me.”

“Don’t undermine your efforts.” she whispers, making his chest reverbarate for once instead of him filling her being with love and warmth “We started this because of me. You insisted you kept me company, not that you’d...start a Robin Hood initiative.” Bellamy scoffs at the comparison.

“Robin Hood? Princess...please find a better hero out there.”

“Batman?”

“You’re the Clarke from the two of us, doc.” he points out and she pulls away, cupping his face in her hands and moving up for a deep kiss. He kisses her back just as warm and hot as she was and when she pulls back and stares in his eyes he kisses her nose like he loved doing, always saying he finds her to be too adorable for his heart to handle.

He had two kiddos, he said-Gus and her and both of them were as equally grumpy in the morning, making his life harder. 

“You are my hero, Bellamy.” she says then, fanning his face with her breath as she tucked his curls behind his ear. His hair had grown out in the past few weeks again and she needed to give him another haircut, hopefully a little more professional than the last one which made his head look uneven “There’s no other like you.”

“Come on now-”

“I’m being serious.” she insists, making her voice serious trying to force his stupid thick head to understand what he means to her “You have saved me-”

“We’ve talked about this, I don’t want to go back to that day.” he argues and she knows what he means and that yes, they have indeed talked about it.

“I don’t mean just the bombs, I mean...in general. You  have helped me so much without even realizing it and you had given so much of yourself out to others too.” he blushes and looks down a little uncomfortable like he and Gus always did whenever someone praised them. Her hand slid to his chest with ease and she smiled at him “Your heart is so big, Bellamy,”

“Clarke, come on, that’s not true.”

“Yes it is, don’t do that.” she scolds him mildly “Don’t try to shake your head and shut me down-I want you to know this because I don’t think you do-” she looks into his eyes again “You matter, Bellamy.” she says soft but serious “You matter so much more than you can possibly imagine.”

“Clarke-”

“And you forget that you can put yourself first sometimes too.” she continues, not letting him interrupt her “I know Gus comes before you, always, but you...you have to remember that you are important as well. You can take time to rest, to heal, to feel broken, to recover, okay?” he sighs, shakes his head still disagreeing with her but she picks him up and digs her nails into his cheeks to prove her point again “Please...I know it’s hard for you, but you have to try and do this for me, alright?”

He scoffs and while his hands remain on her back and he presses his forehead against her, he doesn’t seem to have let her words sink, which in turn makes her mad.

“You’re wrong.” he whispers “I never saved you-” he continues, this time being the faster one of the two of them so she fails to interrupt him “You saved yourself, Clarke. I think you always have even before we met and that is why we fit together-you see beyond what I am...what we all are and you bear hope not just for me but for everyone that things could get better.” he presses his lips against hers and rubs the back of her neck “You are a light in my life, Clarke.”

This time she disagrees with a scoff but he silences her with a kiss and urges her to go on.

That is how most of their nights went on-they talked a lot on the way back, discussed ideas, ways to help people, made mental lists for supplies or how they could get this medicine or that one for some of her patients.

And as much as Bellamy refused to admit it out of fear that he’d jinx it, things were mostly going well-yes, they were working their asses off, yes, he barely slept because of the pain in his leg at night and Gus missed him too much he clung on him like a koala bear and yes work on level 11 was hard. He had another vent to fix this week with the help of Jasper and Maya again and all three of them passed out from the lack of oxygen and ended up in the small medbay with once again Abby Griffin angrily scoffing and moving around their cots, pushing masks on their faces and treatening them not to move.

She still avoided his look but he knew she was itching to ask for Clarke yet she never did-she treated him as coldly and calmly as she did the others and yelled at him for not taking any care of his leg or back but one time when Clarke’s bandages from the night before had stayed on him and he had to strip for the mandatory examination they had every week, he noticed her fingers ghosted over them and she knew that this was done by her and it was her way of touching something her daughter did.

He had seen Wells and Jake once too. They came to inspect the progress of their work on a surprise visit that sent poor Sinclair into a sweating fit with his cheeks red and his hair a mess. Bellamy had smiled as he kept on working his vent with Jasper whose hands shook when he realized what was happening-even the Alpha councilmen and best mechanics were subjected to inspections.

Wells was wearing his typical Commanding Guard’s uniform looking cold and stern. He only ever glanced at Bellamy once but he couldn’t make out his face from under the mask both him and Jake wore at all times inside like the rest of them.

Jake didn’t stop staring at him, though-Bellamy swore he could feel his eyes pinned on his neck the entire time and that in turn made him sweat about as much as Sinclair had. 

When they were lined up before the three of them-Wells, Jake and Sinclair and their boss was explaining their best qualities and how much each has helped in restoring the Level, Jake was smiling and nodding eagerly while Wells remained a dark cloud with furrowed eyebrows and his arms crossed behind his back, reminding Bellamy so much of Morgan, as if any second he’d take out his baton and beat him up in the middle of the room for everyone to see.

Wells didn’t seem impressed at all, he kept prodding Sinclair with different questions and finally before they left, he said that with the time and resources that the Ark was lending them, they should’ve done better by now and that the chancellor expects results sooner rather than later while Jake mumbled something in Sinclair’s ear and patted his shoulder which Bellamy took as a good sign.

When they were leaving work that day, Wells and Jake were still outside talking over plans and logistics with Sinclair so when Bellamy was coming out of the locker rooms, he heard Clarke’s father make an excuse and rush after him, but only when they’ve turned around the corner towards the elevator that would send him back to Factory, to his home.

Bellamy had stopped, leaning heavily on the wall when Jake stood in his way.

“Is she okay?” he had asked cutting right through the chase which Bellamy liked. The man probably knew they didn’t have that much time to spare, with Wells coming in to leave soon as well.

“She’s fine.” Bellamy assures with a small smile recognizing a concerned father when he saw one.

“Is she healthy? Are you guys okay? We heard of the engines getting broken and the night you spent without electricity.”

“She was a little shaken, but she’s fine, I promise. I’m taking care of her.” Jake relaxed at that a little and clasped his arm.

“Thank you.”

“Do you want me to tell her something?” Bellamy asked and Jake thought about it for a moment before finally shaking his head and sighing.

“It’s too dangerous now and maybe it’s better for her if she doesn’t know about any of this. When some time passes I’ll find a way to contact you.” Bellamy agreed and though he felt bad that he’d go home that night and not be able to tell her that her father was out there asking if she’s alright, he agreed with Jake-some time had to pass for things to be safe so they could perhaps even see each other.

He knew that Clarke missed her father very much. Often times when he was playing with Gus or holding him, there was a different glint in her eyes-one that wasn’t her being hot for him or wanting to kiss him and strip him of his clothes but instead something nostlagic, sad. He knew she was thinking of her dad holding her the same way, talking to her, loving her like he did Gus and she missed him dearly. She had always been a daddy’s girl, he knew that, she had admitted as much so no matter how good he was trying to do at giving her a home and a family, he could never replace her father. 

Chapter 45

Notes:

A/N: Thanks again to everyone who's reading this story still! After last time's comments, I had a hard time posting. I also started writing a new farmer!Bellamy whumpy fic and have been trying to focus on that and not feel bad about this one! Hope you can forgive me. Happy Palm's Sunday to those of you who are celebrating!

You can find me on Tumblr @bellamyblake!

The weeks passed like this, some nights were busier than others for her and some were quiet and they went back home to Gus earlier than expected. He knew work was hard on Clarke-taking care and making sure humans survived these horrible conditions took its toll on you but he only ever realized how bad and serious it can be on her a few nights ago when she lost a little girl, about Gus’ age to a very bad case of pneumonia.

He knew her parents vaguely-they were from Farm, friends of Harper and Monty, both of them working the solar panel fields, growing vegitables. Their baby girl, Charlotte has gotten sick during the electricity cut off and Clarke has been treating her for weeks. Some days she got better and Clarke was convinced she almost beat it but others, they’d come to find her curled up on her own in the bed, her mom holding her hand and singing to her as she barely breathed. 

Charlotte was only this bad because last year she caught the flu again and it got just as serious but they never treated her with proper medication because they didn’t have access to any doctors or antibiotics. As a result, her lungs were severely damaged and she often got sick after that, catching colds constantly and quickly getting sicker in a short amount of time.

But the night she spent much like Gus, curled up to her mother’s chest and freezing more and more by the minute, seemed to be what was the last straw-she didn’t only get frostbite on her face, hands and toes, she caught a horrible cough and no matter how hard Clarke tried and she did try very hard, the girl wouldn’t get better.

The nights before Charlotte died Clarke knew what was coming but she still persisted and tried out different medications, wanted to change the antibiotics too but when they went there on that unfortunate evening, her mom and dad were holding her in her arms as she barely breathed and watched as the life was slowly leaving her body.

Bellamy recognized what was happening right away, so when Clarke wanted to push another vial into her little body or listen to her lungs, he simply put his hand on her shoulder and softly pulled her back to the chair he had brought closer to the bed. 

He shook his head at her and nodded at the girl’s limp hand, hanging from her side.

Clarke took it, kissed her white knuckles with trembling lips while Bellamy cupped her little foot and rubbed his thumb over her frostbitten toes.

They watched as Charlotte took her last breath and died in her parent’s arms. Her mom was talking to her till the end and her dad was stroking her head with his big calloused fingers.

“I’m so sorry-” Clarke had hugged her mom tightly “I’m sorry, I tried.” 

“I know you did.” her mom had said whispering back in her ear “Nobody has ever fought for my girl like you did. Thank you.”

They had left them all alone that night and Bellamy had insisted they don’t visit any other patients, radioing Harper on the private line they had established over the past few weeks and asking her to cover for Clarke because he had to take her home.

And he had, he did. She was barely walking straight on the way back and when they finally made it in, he gave his mom a sign that they had to be left alone, so she kissed his forehead goodbye and let them be. Gus, the poor fella, knew something wasn’t okay either because he grew quieter as well and ate his plate without any fuss or arguments. Soon enough he was asleep in his bed and Bellamy was pushing Clarke to his chest as she cried her guts out and fist his shirt, whispering how this wasn’t fair and she should’ve done better.

“You did your best.” he promises as he held her “You did everything you could for her. Not everyone can survive Factory-it’s a hard lesson that we learn in the worst ways.”

“I wish you didn’t have to.” she had whispered as the tears kept rolling down her cheeks.

“Me either, princess.”

He had carried her to the bathroom after, helped her wash up, shampooed her hair and her body, dried her off, dressed her in her PJs. She was as limp and as broken as she had been after Jackson died and it scared Bellamy, but he hoped things would be okay with him there, that she could recover and keep going.

Next day she had tried to march on, forget her feelings and what happened to Charlotte and just keep helping others but he knew she wasn’t fine-it was the light tremble of her hands, the whiteness of her cheeks, the sadness in her eyes.

He let it go for a day but then tonight, when she saw how wobbly she was on her feet, he realized he’s had enough of this stupid-pretending-to-be strong charade and when they were leaving the house of an elderly man with a broken leg who’s she’s been fixing for a few weeks, he grabbed her elbow and pulled her back in one of the hallways.

“Let’s go home.” he said looking into her seriously.

“What? No! I still have three more patients to see.” Clarke had protested and tried to get away from him but he stood in her way and blocked her from walking it off like she usually did.

“They’re not severe cases-it’s just changing bandages, I’ll radio Harper and she’ll take care of them for you.” he did know there was an older seamstress with a bad arm cut, a boy with a dislocated shoulder and a man about his age with a busted knee which Clarke was rewrapping in a similar way that she did Bellamy’s. “I think we should go home early tonight.” he repeated and Clarke jutted her chin at him.

“No. I want to keep going.”

“You can’t-” he had cut her off, raising his hand a little “You don’t feel well and that’s alright, after what happened the other night, everyone would be shaken.”

Clarke looked away, snapping her head and closing her eyes for a moment, breathing in. 

“I’m fine. Losing Charlotte sucked, but there are other people who need my help. I have to go and-”

“No, you don’t have to do anything if you’re not feeling mentally fine and I know you aren’t.” he insists, gripping her hand with his fingers and forcing her to look at him again “Clarke, you don’t have to be strong for me, you know that. You don’t need to pretend.”

“I’m not pretending, I just want to...I want to keep going.”

“I know but you can’t. You need to get home and rest, let it all sink in. I don’t want you to live through something traumatic and then wake up the next morning and keep going like a machine-” he had scolded mildly and looked up at him with big broken eyes “This isn’t Alpha. You can’t just take a breath, then another and ignore the pain of others or your own.” she bows her head again and he pushes her to his chest, wrapping his arms tight around her.

“This isn’t the person I fell in love with, okay?” she tightens her hand around his back and he feels them slide from his middle to his lower back. 

“Sometimes you make too much sense.” she whispers in his chest before looking up to find him smiling at her a little “I don’t like it.” he chuckles and pats the brow between her eyes with his index finger before leaning in for a kiss.

“Sure you don’t, princess.” he jokes and kisses her again before finally pulling back and tugging her down the hallway. “Let’s go home.” he says again and this time she nods, agreeing with him.

They’re talking quietly as they cross the square back to the gates between Farm and Factory, lost in their heads, discussing what to eat tonight or which game to play with Gus who they were sure would be happy to see them back earlier than usually.

He’d been doing so well at school lately, acing all his reading tests and reciting poems on a few day care celebrations. He was all ready for Wheat day that would be in just a few weeks and Clarke couldn’t wait to see the biggest and most important holiday for Factory and Farm stations and participate for the first time.

They were so lost in thought and conversation that they didn’t notice Alex wasn’t the guard on post. When Bellamy finally approached the gates, he felt Clarke tensing to him because she too felt there was something wrong-the guards, instead of just two or even one by the gates at that point of night, were five, wearing heavier guns than they usually did. 

Bellamy glanced around the square and found that it wasn’t just those few that looked somewhat different, there were a few more little groups of three or four guards on each side of the square and he felt a shiver run down his spine.

“Maybe they’re cautious of this word about a protest going out?” Clarke whispered as they slowed their pace.

There has been a rumour going around that Factory was preparing a strike of sorts joined by Farm and Arrow folks to peacefully protest for better living conditions. Everyone were riled up and angry after the electricity was cut off and the engines stopped working-so many had gotten sick or hurt but now, now they were recovering, in many ways thanks to Clarke who went from house to house trying to fix the damage done and the people were ready to come out and tell the chancellor that this can’t happen again.

Bellamy had thought it was just another protest, nothing out of the ordinary, there had been many throughout the years, most of them very unsuccessful in changing something and very quickly shut down by the guards.

But now he realizes he should’ve at least considered the possibility that Alpha would send extra forces in those stations, even if something was just a rumour or a “peacefull protest”. Jaha would never allow anything to undermine his power, even an insignificant event like this.

“Probably.” Bellamy whispers back already mentally scolding himself through for not thinking this better.

This morning he had woken up with a sinking feeling in his guts, one that he hadn’t felt since the day Gina died and it had scared him but he had tried to push it down-it was just a feeling, nothing else.

Now it came back washing over him like an ocean wave, hitting him hard and making him stumble on his feet.

“Are you okay?” Clarke had asked, coming in before him, helping him steady himself up. She had no idea this was just an act on his part until he looked at her eyes and squeezed her hands.

“Do you have your ID?”

“Yes.”

“The Farm one?” she nods. Harper and Monty had managed to fabricate her more than a few fake IDs as her official paperwork was still not done with probably Alpha slowing it down on purpose so that Clarke couldn’t cross stations.

“I used it to pass through.”

“What about the Factory one?” she nods again, after checking her jeans’ pockets and finding the one identical to his old one that had her photo and the name Josephine Blake, an alias that was his wife, born a few years before him and working as a seamstress in their station. 

“Good, we’ll show this one.” Clarke nods and he moves closer to softly kiss her lips before pulling away and giving her a look saying they could do this, all they had be is remain calm.

When they approach the gates, Bellamy plasters on a fake smile at the guard and Clarke tries to do the same.

“Good evening, guardsman.” he greeted but the man who was definitely more heavily armed than the usual guards passing people through, squeezed his rifle hanging from his chest with one hand and gave Bellamy an angry look from under his black helmet.

“Name and IDs” he simply barked at them and Bellamy tugged Clarke closer as they handed him over their cards. Bellamy kept his work one tucked in the back pocket in case of emergencies but he always showed his regular one first-Sinclair had reiterated more than ones that the less people know where he works, the better and he shouldn’t be waving that red work ID pass anywhere but when he’s coming in and out for his shift.

Still, Bellamy had used it on couple of occassions, just to persuade the guards to let them pass through faster and not give them any trouble.

It usually worked like a miracle.

Usually being the key word here.

“I’m Bellamy Blake and this is my wife Josephine.”he gestured at her but the guard only grunted in their way and looked at them carefully from head to toe.

When he scanned Clarke’s card his machine beeped three times, flashing in red and he immideately blocked their way.

“Your ID won’t go through.” he mumbled angrily “What was the purpose of you visiting Farm?”

“We were just seeing some friends, they recently had their baby and they wanted us to be godparents.” Bellamy spoke perhaps a little too fast as he stood before Clarke, putting himself between the guard and her “Maybe her IDs expired, we know she should change it soon but we could’ve missed the date. Would you scan it again?”

The guard eyes them suspiciously and Bellamy feels his back sweat as he squeezed Clarke’s hand tightly. 

“Please, sir, would you?” the guard swiped it again through his scanner but it burned in bright red once more and he dropped the machine by his leg, reaching for his cuffs.

“I’m going to have to detain you.” he said moving a few steps trying to get to Clarke but Bellamy stood in his way again and tried to look calm.

“Bellamy-” Clarke whispered in his ear scaredly and he just squeezed her hand in return, trying to reassure her.

He raised his hands to the guard and tried to keep his cool.

“I’m sorry, guard, that’s all my fault, I should’ve made us check the ID before we left but we didn’t think something could be wrong with it.”

“It’s not expired-” the guard cut off harshly “Which means it could be fake. I have to detain her. And you.”

“Sir, please-” Bellamy tried again, reaching for his back pocket and taking out his red flashy level 11 card, handing it to the guard as if swiping a bribe in his hand “Would you make an exception-” he nodded at the card and the guard opened up his big rough palm, his eyes widening at the pass. “Just this once. It’s my fault really.”

The guard took a step back, picked up his card and swiped it through the scanner which now came out in flashing green but the man didn’t deflate or change his position as Bellamy had hoped he would.

“This isn’t your wife.” the guard mumbled and Bellamy shook his head, taking it as an opportunity to give them the perfect cover, hoping to apologize to Clarke later when they were back home.

“You know how it is...Farm girls...much more prettier than Factory ones.” he swallows hard, wincing as he says the next part “Me and a few buddies just wanted to have some fun and the girl is just trying to make a living, so-” the guard glanced at Clarke again, trying to estimate if she looked like a prostitute that Factory men above the average level of ration point recieving could actually afford and whatever he saw, he must’ve decided Bellamy’s words were credible because he finally moved away and nodded at them to pass through.

There was something different in his expression, though, something too self-satisfactory in his eyes that made Bellamy doubt this really worked-he was too easily swayed and he definitely wasn’t a Farm or Factory guard, no, the insignia on his sleeve showed he came from Alpha, Wells' special forces even, something Bellamy noticed only when he and Clarke began walking through the gates.

The guard smiled at them smugly as they passed and Bellamy saw him picking up his radio, moving a feet away and talking fast and quiet.

They had just about moved over the gate and into Factory when he turned to Clarke who’s face was so pale and sweaty that he thought she’d pass out any moment.

“I’m so sorry-” he began but he never got to finish his sentence because they heard loud voices coming from behind them. 

He should’ve known that the gut feeling was there for a reason, he should’ve realized that something was wrong about the guard if he didn’t ask him more about Clarke or where he was taking her, even if she was just a girl for one night, as they presented it to be.

He should’ve known that something was wrong when they crossed over and he didn’t feel relieved.

“THIS IS THEM!” the voice yelled and they turned around to find the guard who had scanned them yell at a squad of five others that were running to them “GRAB THEM! IT'S THEM!”

It all happened so fast that Bellamy could only remember looking at Clarke for a moment that both felt so short and like an eternity, their hands were still clasped together between them, he felt himself dropping his crutch probably in panick and he read the fear in her eyes.

This was it-they knew it was a possibility, deep down they had the understanding that they had made peace with, that they could be caught.

As he heard the guards running towards them and everyone yelling, he grabbed her other hand and pulled her in to him, holding her tight and kissing her lips as if it was the last time.

Clarke who had been scared up until that point relaxed in his embrace-they had talked about it before, what would happen if they get caught, they knew when they started this that there was a great chance they may not make it back one night. Bellamy had changed his will, written down Aurora as Gus’ guardian and Clarke had written a letter to her father, Bellamy and Gus that she had tucked away and hidden in 'Anne of Green Gables'. 

They’ve talked about what to do if only one of them dies and the other lives, though Bellamy had hated that conversation most of all but he still insisted she took in Gus as her child if he passed and asked if she was okay with it and Clarke had instructed him how she wants to be floated and which ones of her stuff would go to him and Gus, and what to her dad.

So in this moment they were both scared, they wouldn’t be human if they weren’t, but when Bellamy kissed her, Clarke felt herself breathe a little better and when they pulled back he smiled.

“I love you.” he whispered and it was both a statement and a promise, she knew. A promise that went on beyond their lives here-a light that went out in the universe and kept on burning long after they were both gone.

“I love you too.” she felt the guards grab her by the arms and try to pull her back just at the same time as they were taking him in too. Both of them fought against the strong men and managed to come in just as close as to touch their foreheads together and look into each other’s eyes once more.

“Everything will be okay.” he said and she smilled, nodding, knowing nothing ever will be again. 

“Cuff them well and make sure he doesn’t have a way out!” they heard another voice rise above the yelling guards who were barking orders at each other or huffing and puffing while restraining them.

Clarke’s head snapped in the direction that it came from mostly because it sounded familiar and she knew, in her heart who it was, so she wasn’t surprised when she saw Wells walk through the small army of guards they had enlisted with catching just two people. 

“Wells-” she gasped as she saw the guard at the checkpoint follow through with a smug smile on his face, puffing his chest and jutting his chin proudly. “What is this?”

“You know what it is.” he says coldly as he approaches them. Bellamy was already restrained cuffed both behind his back and his ankles with a tight rope while she was still fighting against the guards behind her. “Bellamy Blake and Clarke Griffin, you’ve both been arrested for performing illegal activity in the stations of Factory, Farm and Arrow which includes giving medical help, stealing medical supplies and food and using fake documents as well as abusing your work positions and instigating riots.”

“What?” Clarke raised her voice to a high angry pitch “We’ve never-”

“Take them to their cells and keep them separate.” Wells cuts her off without giving her the chance to speak up and just before both her and Bellamy have some black bags put over their heads, she catches his scared expression and lurches to him but the guards twist his body away as he fights against them and she sees him wince from the pain in his back. 

“Don’t fight!” she tries to yell but the guard shoves a piece of cloth in her mouth, puts a black bag over her head and start pushing her or more like dragging her down what seemed like the hallway.

“Be careful with her!” Wells barks as they start moving “She’s important.” Clarke wanted to scream because she could hear Bellamy struggling and fighting against his guards and Wells only ever cared about her.

What would happen to him? What would they do?

Panic crawled through her entire being and she tried to command herself to stay calm like Bellamy had taught her to, especially in the nights when she had anxiety attacks-he’d wake up with her from her kicking him with her limbs or screaming out loud and he’d pull her to his chest, push her hand to his face, make her feel his cheeks, his eyelids, his nose, his beard, then his neck, his stomach and then he’d count with her to a hundred until she breathed normally after which point she’d cry until she passed out again and when she woke up in the morning, he’d still be looking down on her, making sure she’s fine and stroking her head, whispering how much he loved her.

That was gone now. It was over-they were caught and they could be floated. Not just her but him too.

Gus would lose the only parent he had left and it’d be her fault. 

They walk for a long while before they finally reach what seems to be the prison station but she can’t see anything she only hears doors opening and closing, guards talking between each other, pushing her to walk when she tried to fight them. 

They must’ve taken a different route with Bellamy because she lost track of him just a few minutes after they covered her head-she heard him fight them, try to kick them and what scared her the most she remembers the sizzling sound the guard’s baton made when it touched a part of a person’s skin and she knew they had shock lashed him to tame him.

Stupid, stubborn Bellamy.

She hears them open a door and push her into a room that somehow before she even sees it feels small and dense to her. 

“Put her over there, untie her hands.” another voice, not Well’s but still familiar.

“Take the bag off and leave us be-three by the door, two in with us-keep your radios close I’ll need you.” that was her friend, though, she could tell when it was Wells right away and she realizes much too late than she should’ve that it was his hand on her arm, guiding her through to this door but she had been too panicked and stunned to let herself fully understand what was happening.

It was only when they took off the black bag off her head that she squinted a few times against the hard flourescent light and realized after focusing on the three figures before her, that she wasn’t in the Prison station.

She was in the Alpha guard interrogation rooms with chancellor Jaha and vice chancellor Kane both staring at her, leaning on the wall on both sides of a big glass window that she couldn’t see through.

Wells circled around and nodded at them as he came to the opposite side of the table they had put her sitting on and gave her a serious look.

She sucked in a breath and felt the world spin when she realized how seriously fucked up this was-they wouldn’t just arrest and float her. Whatever was going on here, having both the chancellor and vice chancellor in an interrogation room wasn’t good. 

Clarke looked around and saw the two guards by the door, hands on their batons, standing straight and looking ahead.

She tried to command herself to breathe through her nose and straighten her body in the chair despite the pain she felt in her wristsand sides-she had fought against the guards on the way here and she knew her ribs were already bruised but it was probably nothing compared to what Bellamy went through knowing he always pulled a damn fight when it came to being restrained. 

Bellamy.

Where had they taken him?

“I want to see him.” she said and when she did, she realized how weak and shaky her words came out, echoing in the small room. “Where is he?”

“That will come in later.” Wells says calmly as he sits down and pulls out a few brown folders, opening them up before her, allowing her to see her own file with her picture in the right upper corner as well as Bellamy’s next to her. “Please don’t make me restrain you-we’re trying to have a civil conversation here.”

Clarke couldn’t help but laugh at that.

“A civil conversation?” she stared at Well’s eyes with anger and wondered what the hell happened to the boy who used to think all stations should be equal when he was eleven and even wrote an essay on the subject which his dad burned in a bin in his office right before his eyes, trying to break his spirits. “You arrested us and dragged us here like animals-nothing about this is civil.”

“Well you haven’t exactly given us any reason not to, have you now, Clarke?” Kane spoke for the first time since she entered the room and walked closer to the table, leaning heavily on her left side. “Or have you and your little Factory rebel scum not been sneaking around for over a month, helping people out? Doing a number of illegal activities?” 

“Bellamy had nothing to do with this! You have to let him go!” Kane barked out a laugh at that.

“Or really? Nothing?” Kane asks a little too smug for her liking, crossing his arms over his chest again. 

“It was my idea. You have to let him go, he has a child-”

“Then he should’ve known better!” Wells cut her off then, bringing her attention back to him “You have both been incredibly stupid and I can say that I expect it out of an idealistic Factory mechanic to try and defy the government and the chancellor but you? You should know better, Clarke.”

“He’s not being idealistic! We were just helping people.”

“So it’s a 'we' now, not just 'you'?” Jaha’s deep voice echoes through the room again as he finally moves closer to the table as well “What is your truth, Clarke? Was it just you or was it Bellamy Blake as well?”

“It was me!” she fights back angrily, staring right into Jaha’s eyes “None of this is his fault. He should be let go.”

“And you should be floated?” he cornered as well but she didn’t show fear of any sort, instead she kept staring at him until she finally gave him a nod “That’d be so easy, wouldn’t it? Fair too, not just for you but for the people of Alpha as well, perhaps some would even call it educational...a cautionary tale of sorts.” he starts walking around in circles commanding silence from his partners with his prensence, forcing Clarke to keep track of his movements “The Alpha rebel girl who left her station and went to help the poor Factory people live a better life, have access to medicine.”

“I didn’t leave my station-you kicked me out!”

“For stealing antibiotics!” Wells reminds her “Which your friend Bellamy kept doing for you in the past month.”

“Still-” Thelonious gave his son a look suggesting he let him finish and Wells deflated under his father’s stern gaze “It would be easy, wouldn’t it? Floating you, getting it all swept under the rug, reminding people what happens to those who defy us?” Clarke doesn’t know what to say, confused by where the chancellor was going with this “Except we can’t do it this time.”

“Why not?” it’s funny, she realizes, she was asking why her own death was impossible right now and instead of being relieved, she only feels herself get more and more anxious the more time she spends in the room with the three of them.

Something was wrong.

“You see the thing is, Clarke that when you started this Robin Hood initiative of yours with Bellamy Blake, you became somewhat of a ...miracle to those people. A hero, even. Perhaps to those you’ve saved, even a saint of sorts.” Jaha explains carefully leaning on the back of Wells’ chair and staring into her eyes, perfectly calm “It may be historic in terms of everything we know from back on the earth times but I think you are the first person to become someone’s symbol to a fight in such a short amount of time.”

“Symbol of a what?” Clarke asks even more perplexed than before “I’m nothing like that!”

“Sure you are.” Jaha continues calmly, starting his short walk around the table again and circling behind her “People fell in love with you. You didn’t just heal them, your brought them hope. An Alpha princess coming in to the rescue and fighting for everyone’s equality-sounds like a fairty tale almost, doesn’t it?”

“That’s not what this was, I just wanted to help people!”

“Or you just couldn’t help yourself?” Kane chimes in as well “Or perhaps this is just your nature-to go against every boundary someone has ever set before you. You may be Alpha born but you act like every Factory fool out there.”

“They’re not fools-they’re just people who want to live like we do!”

“And what happens if we allow that?” Jaha leans on the other side of the table and stares at her now, anger glistening in his eyes “You think we’ll all live in peace? You think Factory and Farm won’t take down this government and establish a tyranny over everyone else? Destroy the great minds of Alpha, GoSci, Hydra just to gain control, just to take it back!”

“They have a reason to want revenge” Clarke tries to calm herself down “You’ve been taking everything away from them! Those people die out like flies out there from the lack of food, from their poor working conditions or the non-existant medical care and you don’t care! You’ve become so calloused for the feelings of others that you don’t even consider what you’re doing to these people.”

“Don’t talk to your chancellor like that!” Wells stands up abruptly kicking his chair back as he goes “Remember where you are.”

“I know exactly where I am!” Clarke barks back feeling suddenly big in the presense of the three man surrounding her on all sides “I’ve been living the hell they do for just a few months and I barely would’ve made it if not for Bellamy! I’ve had children die in my hands out of pneumonias that could’ve been treated, I’ve had elderly pass from the wounds in the Factories you force them to work in, so you can have electricity at night, flourishing table and bright yellow dresses for your pretty Alpha society girls!” Wells opens his mouth to argue but his dad garbs his shoulder and pushes him back down on his chair, suggesting that he’s taking over again.

“And that is why you are dangerous, Clarke.” he says calmly again, back to his stern and strict composture “This way of thinking could tip the scale of everything we stand for.”

“Maybe the scales should finally be tipped!”

“Oh, they could be!” Jaha agrees “So very easily. You know the reason we arrested you tonight wasn’t random. We’ve been following you and your accomplices for weeks, we could’ve done it at any moment really-we had your lives in our hands.” Clarke swallows hard and feels the world go a little black before her eyes “But when we realized that the rumors of this so-called “peaceful protest” are very very real, that there are some powerful working leaders involved and that they had gotten their hands on guns and armory, we knew we had to act fast unless they stormed coincilmen Harrison’s chambers and took him down before we could react.”

“I don’t see how this has anything to do with me or Bellamy.” Jaha smiles again and starts walking with his hands clasped behind his back this time.

“Oh, it has everything to do, Clarke. You see, the problem with saints or symbols or whatever it is you want to call what you became for the people of Factory, is that if we kill you, it’ll only make them angrier. They’ll lose their beloved Alpha doctor who helped so many and that just may be the thing that starts a revolution.” he stops again and stares right through her. Clarke could feel the tension in the room being so thick, she could probably cut it with a knife “And you see...that’s the last thing I want.”

Clarke swallows hard and looks around at Wells and Kane who seem just as angry as Jaha was but even more so ready to fight her.

“So what will you do if you don’t kill me?”

“I thought long about that-” Jaha continues in the same calm manner “Believe it or not you’ve been a pain in all of our heads for a while now, Clarke. I had multiple council meetings, listening to my advisor, vice chancellor Kane,” he glances at the man who doesn’t flinch and keeps his angry eyes on her “even my son who spent endless sleepless nights trying to come up with a solution to the problem but in the end I just figured it out on my own.”  he clears his throat and rests his hand on the back of Wells’ chair again “The only way to make a saint hated is to break the image that they have. The only way to destroy a symbol is to pull them back to your side and make people see, convince them, that they will always go back to where they came from.”

Clarke feels her head spin and she has to grip the side of the table to steady herself.

“No!” she shook her head stubbornly “No way!”

“You’re coming back to Alpha. You’ll be a good doctor girl and forget everything about Factory station. Moreover, you’ll join me on the rallys for my reelection, become part of my councilmen circle, support my every doctrine, law and decision.”

“NO!” Clarke yelled now finally standing up. Wells immideately glanced at the guards by the door who rushed in and took her by the arms “NO WAY!”

“You will prove to everyone-” Jaha continues calmly “That you were simply acting as a love-struck fool who came to Factory following her lover and happened to help a few people by but that you’re true to your nature, you were stupid and you’ve found your way back home.”

“ONLY OVER MY DEAD BODY!” Clarke yelled struggling against the guards who squeezed her arms so tight, she knew they’d bruise “I’M NEVER GOING BACK TO ALPHA!” she struggled hard against her restrains, pulled at the guards, scaring Kane away, making him back up but Jaha only stood proudly tall unimpressed by her defiance “NO! NO, LET ME GO! LET MY GO I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING WRONG! I’m not a saint, I’m not some symbol-” she kept struggling “Let me go! LET. ME. GO!”

“Do you want me to tease her?” one of the guards asked, pulling out his baton and Clarke was sure Wells would nod as much as she could see he didn’t want that but at the same time his father raised his hand and stopped them.

“Don’t!” he simply commanded and the guard dropped his hand “Bring her to the window.” he added “Wells, radio your guards.” Clarke was confused. Radio who? For what? Were there more guards coming in to torture her? Restrain her?

They began pushing her to the big window on the opposite side of where she was sitting up until a moment ago and when they pushed her there and she finally managed to focus on what was on the other side, she gasped.

“No-” she cried out “No, Bellamy! No!” There he was kneeling on the floor, hands bound behind his back, surrounded by the guards. He looked awful, they had already hit him across the face more than once because he was bleeding pretty badly and his left eye was swollen shut. She pressed her hands against the glass and called him out again but he didn’t react.

“He can’t hear you, so save your breath.” Wells warned as he picked up his radio and looked at his father who nodded at him “Pick the prisoner up, strip him to the wall and use your batons on him.” he commanded.

“NO! No, no, stop this no!” Clarke yelled, banging her hands against the glass, hitting as hard as she could “No, please, THIS ISN’T HIS FAULT, HE DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, ALL HE WANTED WAS TO HELP ME!” Jaha seemed completely unmoved by that and he gave his son another look as he barked more orders at the guards. Clarke watched as they raised Bellamy on his feet, strapped his wrist in a tight rope that they threw over a metal beam on the ceiling and pulled his body up in the air, making his feet sway just a few inches from the ground. 

“No, Bellamy, no-” she screamed, feeling the tears run down her face as they stripped him from his jacket and shirt and picked up their batons. Wells barked the order in the radio and they bagan hitting him with their batons as hard as they could “NO! NO PLEASE, STOP! TAKE ME, TORTURE ME!” she begged turning to Jaha and reaching for his shirt but the guard stopped her by pulling her back right on time “TAKE ME!”

“And what would be the point of that?” Jaha asked “Why torture you? What would that help me? I think it’s much more painful seeing someone you love die for you, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Please, please don’t do this, don’t kill him! He was just trynig to help me. He did it for me!” she fell on her knees and heard Wells radio crack with the noises coming from the beating the guards were giving Bellamy, making her sick to her stomach.

“Then he’ll suffer for you!” Jaha says kneeling down to her level “Die for you.”

“No!”

“Unless you agree to join me! Come back to Alpha.” Clarke breathed heavily with her head bowed dug her hands in her arms and tried to compose herself before finally looking up at Jaha who was staring at her with confusion and worry and then-

then she spat right in his face.

The guards grabbed her up and hoisted her to her feet, Wells started barking orders, Kane rushed to the chancellor who pushed him off and brushed her spit with the back of his sleeve as he rose to her level again.

“This was a mistake.” he simply said and nodded at his son again “Go on, Wells. You two-make her watch.” he told the guards and they pushed her to the window, pressing her face to it so hard she felt her head split. Her hands were pulled to her back and one of them was shoving his knee uncomfortably inbetween her legs.

She glanced over and saw Bellamy’s body covered in bruises and cuts-they weren’t just using their batons-they kicked him hard, shock lashed him, she saw his body arch on number of times in just the span of seconds, they had a whip of sorts that one of the three guards was using to hit his back with.

“No-” she cried out “Please, Bellamy...Bell-”

“Which leg was it your friend got hurt when he saved you from the bombs?” Jaha asked whispering in Clarke’s ear “The left or the right?” Clarke cried out again, feeling the guard pull her by the hair, demanding an answer but she simply squeezed her mouth shut and closer her eyes. “How about we try the left one, it looks somewhat crooked to me, must be that one.” he added before addressing his son again “Wells.”

She heard the radio cackle and Wells’ commands go through.

“Aim for his left leg and lower back.”

“No!” Clarke tried to move away but they kept her face pressed to the glass.

“Break it.” Wells adds and she watches Bellamy fight and curse, struggle and try to kick as they hit him hard in the back before moving to his leg.

He screamed and though she couldn’t hear it, she saw his mouth open and his face twist in pure agony. He was trying to fight but when they lowered him a little and one of the guards hit the bone under his knee so hard she could tell it cracked even without being able to hear it-the bone just twisted, there was blood, his body arched on its own accord. He screamed again but they didn’t stop-they kept on hitting every part of him over and over and over again.

Clarke couldn’t take it, not anymore.

“Please, stop! Please just stop!” she begged, crying out loud “It should be me...it’s not his fault, it should be me, please, please, just stop.”

“I’ll stop when you agree to my terms.” Jaha said again and Clarke squeezed her eyes shut and struggled against the guards trying to free her hands, press them to the window, get somehow closer to Bellamy but she was so out of reach it was surreal. “You’re coming back to Alpha, joining your mother in surgery, going back to the good perfect girl you were before.” he said.

Clarke stared at Bellamy who was on the verge of losing consciousness but somehow persisted-his strength gave her hope to keep hers too, to refuse to break in the face of Jaha, to remain as stubbornly standing as Bellamy always had been.

She kept crying, so many tears she was feeling her head hurt but she couldn’t stop-the only thing she could do is think that the last thing Bellamy would want from her is to break.

And yet she was so close because it hurt...it hurt so much to watch him suffer like this.

She swallowed hard, looked at Jaha again and tried to keep her voice steady.

“I said no.” Jaha was seemingly surprised by her stubborness but he only let it show for a second before his face hardened and he looked at his son again, giving him another commanding nod.

“Wells.” he said and she heard the radio cackle again.

“Break his other leg too.” her former friend commanded and Clarke pressed her forehead against the window imagining it’s Bellamy, closing her eyes briefly and whispering.

“I’m sorry...I’m so sorry.” 

“Make her see it!” Jaha commanded and she felt one of the guards pulling her head back and forcing her eyes open with his big black gloved fingers. She watched as they used their batons on Bellamy’s other leg too until it cracked again right by what was anatomically called the tibia or the bone between the knee and the ankle and his leg hung unnaturally crooked just like the others.

“No...no, please, God, please!” Clarke cried out again when they moved to his tigh and hit his kneecap with the teaser “Bellamy....Bellamy-” he was barely holding on now, his head was lolled to his chest and she couldn’t see his face anymore, but she could see the blood dripping from the cuts on his face, his head and his back that were covering the floor-by her estimations if they kept going like this, they’d kill him.

“You see, you are the only person who could make this stop, Clarke.” Jaha kept on and she turned to him angrily.

“You animal! LET HIM GO!” she fought against the guards again “Let him go!”

“Only you can do that, Clarke.” Jaha explains patiently and nods at the guards to turn her around with her back to the window glass so he can move right before her “You see I can kill this boy. I can leave his son an orphan and have you live with what you’ve done to him for the rest of your life or I could do something worse-” Clarke’s heart was beating so loud she was sure it’d soon leave her chest “I could fire him from his job at Level 11 and I could make sure he never gets another one.”

“No-”

“He’s already pretty hurt, I doubt he’d be able to stand on his feet and walk the same way without feeling every ounce of pain of what we did to him today but I could still ensure he doesn’t have any source of income, not even as a janitor.”

“You wouldn’t!” Clarke barks again “You can’t!”

“Oh, Clarke...I’m the chancellor! I can do whatever I want.” he reminds her with an evil smile “I’ll starve him and his son out. Fire his mom from that seamstress job too, make sure his son never gets an education or a proper job himself. I will ruin that entire family-” 

She shook her head, sobbing out loud at the treats and bowing her head down.

“If he lives to see his son growing up, that boy will be ashamed of him and he’d wonder why this happened to them.” Jaha kept on “And the answer would be you.”

“Please...please, just let him be.” her voice broke again “Let him be.”

“I won’t stop with him either.” Jaha continues “I know about everyone involved in your little network.”

“We’re not some terrorists! We were just trying to help people!” Jaha smiles at that and she can see he doesn’t believe her for a second-he was so full of himself, so drunk on his power that it was unbelievable.

“Harper and Monty Green-I hear they have a little boy too. What do you think will happen to him when I fire them both from the plants?” Clarke’s eyes filled with tears again and she shook her head, out of pleas to give Jaha any more, he wasn’t listening to her anyway “And Jasper Jordan and his wife Maya-did you know her mother was sick with cancer?” she did, she was trying to help her out but she had no medication. That was the reason why they started growin pot illegally in the first place-it was to help with Mrs. Vie’s pain “I’ll float them for distrubution of drugs and let this poor woman die suffering immeasurable pain.”

Clarke fisted her hands despite her restrains and clenched her jaw hard.

“Or I could let them be. They’ll still suffer some consequences but at least they’ll live.” his voice changes pitches and Clarke can feel he’s about to add something else “Unlike that poor boy Alex that you had roped into your operation.” her head snapped at that and Jaha smiled, seeing he produced the desirable effect in her. “That’s right, we caught him and he was floated earlier this morning. You should’ve seen his poor mother cry and break down before Kane pushed the button.”

Clarke’s eyes filled with tears again-poor Alex...he has been helping them pass through safely. He was just a kid, barely twenty, he had his eyes on a boy from Farm and Clarke was pushing him to try his luck out and ask him on a date.

Now...now he was gone and he’d never get to do any of it.

All because of her.

Again.

Just like Jackson lost his life, so had Alex and so would Jasper and Maya, Monty and Harper and worst of all...Bellamy. 

She couldn’t let that happen, she couldn’t be the reason why they suffered for the rest of their lives or were floated out of pure spite for her trying to treat people and help them survive. 

Clarke closed her eyes again, bowed her head down and let her body go limp in the guard’s arms.

She took a few deep breaths, watched as her tears fell quietly to the ground, commanded herself to stop crying and finally looked up, meeting the chancellor’s eyes as she spoke.

“Okay,” she said “I’ll come back to Alpha. I’ll play by your rules, just leave them alone.” Jaha’s face twisted in a bright, almost insane smile he nodded at the guards to loosen their grips and gave Wells a sign to stop Bellamy’s torture.

“You made the right choice, Clarke.” he said as he came close to her and gripped her shoulder. 

All Clarke wanted to do was kick him in the stomach and make him hurt the way he’s made Bellamy feel.

That wasn’t everything, though-he made the guards bring her to the table and Kane bring in some documents-she had to sign to the terms she agreed to, as if it was a contract and in case she broke it or tried to play him, he’d make sure all her friends were floated except for Bellamy, who’d he make suffer for the rest of his life until he died starving.

Clarke didn’t have a choice, in fact, in that moment she just felt numb, resigned. The news of Alex’s death as well as everything that she had witness happen to Bellamy was too much for her to handle and she had finally given up-this was it, the end for her, the end of absolutely everything good she could have.

Jaha may have thought he was taming the saint of Factory but what he really was doing was that he killed her.

She didn’t have the time to read through the documents carefully and frankly, she didn’t care-she simply let her hand sign in every corner Kane pointed at while Wells watched her like a hawk and Jaha sat opposite of her smiling satisfied.

When she was done and Kane tucked every paper away in a new folder with her name written in the upper left corner Clarke put the pen down and rest her back against the chair, diligently waiting for whatever was next for her.

“That’s not all.” Jaha spoke again and she raised her head, meeting his horrbile look once more-his eyes were brown but they were nothing like Bellamy’s warm ocean she lost herself in “You have to go in there and talk to him now. Convince him that you were playing him all along and that you’re going back to Alpha on your own terms.”

Clarke swallowed hard and opened her mouth to protest when Jaha moved up on the table and leaned over her.

“Do I have to remind you what I’ve promised to do in case you deny me, Clarke?” she swallowed hard and fisted her hands again forcing herself to take deep breaths until she finally nodded. “Guards, take her to him, make sure he’s awake for it all but restrained.”

She felt herself being lifted by the guards and pushed outside of the room. Clarke was moving as if in a dream-like all of this was happening but to someone else and she was simply an observant. Her mind was buzzing, her hands shook and when she walked, she swayed so hard, they had to support her by gripping her elbows and forcing her to stay up.

It must take them less than a minute to move from her room to Bellamy’s but it feels like forever to her and when they open the door and push her in, she feels so dizzy again, it goes black before her eyes and she almost falls.

“Clarke!” she hears him call her out “Clarke, are you okay?” his voice is very weak, barely there and when she steadies herself with the helf of the guards who let her be once they’re sure she’s stable on her feet, she finds him chained to the wall opposite of her, sitting on the ground, both of his legs broken and his hands tied in his lap.

He looks awful-his face is a beaten swollen blue and red pulp that she can barely make out. He still had his shirt off and she could see the result from the beating and whipping but his legs were what seemed to be the worst-he had them both out extended and motionless right before him.

He was barely alive.

How he was awake was beyond her. 

In that moment something in her broke and she couldn’t help but rush to him, kneel before him and throw herself in his arms.

“Bellamy-” she sobbed and his head lolled against her chest “Bellamy!” it was like a breath of fresh air, seeing him, feeling his body heat, knowing he was here, alive, severely hurt but...alive.

“Princess...” he mumbled and she pulled back cupping his bruised cheeks, god she couldn’t even make out his freckles-it was all just red, blood thicking from his head-two gaping wounds on his side, his eye swollen shit, his nose crooked, his cheeks marred with multiple cuts and bruises. 

She couldn’t help herself-her hand peppered down his face, his neck, his chest that was whipped too and she founds so many injuries. He coughed as she held him and blood dripped from his mouth-he’d be lucky if he made it out of this alive.

“It’s okay, you’ll be okay.” she cried out holding his head up “I need you to listen to me now, Bellamy, cause we don’t have much time.” she clearly remembers Jaha instructing her that she had about five minutes before the guards forecefully escorted her.

“What...what’s happening? Are you alright? Are you safe?” her heart broke at that-he was barely conscious, severely hurt and delusional but his first thought was for her.

His stupid selfless ass.

God she loved him.

She couldn’t help but lean down and kiss his swollen lips for the briefest of seconds, tasting in the blood dropping from his mouth to hers and forcing herself to take his pain as hers-it was the least she could do after what she did to him today and what she was about to add to it.

“It’s okay...it’s okay.” she kept sobbing when she pulled away and pressed her forehead against his.

He was burning up and he felt so limp and barely there that she wasn’t sure he understood what was happening right now. His one open eye was filled with pain and confusion and he hissed from the pain, clenched his jaw and she was forced to push his back to the wall to give him something to lean on.

“Come on, just rest here, try to breathe okay?”

“What happened? Are they floating us?”

“No.” she said stubbornly “It’ll be alright. You’re going back home.” his eye opened and he looked at her trying to force himself to remain conscious. He had noticed the way she said it, only mentioning him and not herself.

“What about you?” she cried and shook her head, pursing her lips and tasting his blood on them.

“I’m going back home too.” she said voice breaking “To Alpha.”

“No!” he hissed right away reaching with his bind hands to her “No, way, Clarke! No!”

“It’ll be fine, I’ll be okay and so will you.” she promises “I’ve made sure of it.”

“No, Clarke, please, you can’t. What did they want?” he asks panicking now “What are they using against you?” Clarke shakes her head at him but he keeps insisting “If it’s me, I’ll be fine, okay? We’ll figure it out.”

“It’s not them. It was my choice.” she tries but it comes out so weakly that even she can’t believe it.

“Bullshit, your choice! Are they treatening your mom? Jake? Who is it? What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong, it’s just time for me to go back home.” she tries again, forcing her voice to get serious “This isn’t about you, Bellamy. I never belonged to Factory and I never will. It was stupid of me to think that I can do it.”

“This isn’t you.” he calls her out on it “You’re lying to me.”

“I’m not.” she tries but again, as before, it comes out way too weak to be convincing “I hated it there.” she tries once more and there’s hurt in his eyes now “Can’t you see? This was just a game for me-I came to see if I can live there, have a taste of a different way of life-it was just an experiment for me.”

He stares into her eyes and shakes his head stubbornly.

“How about you stop with this nonsense and tell me what’s really going on?” Clarke stands up, unable to keep her eyes on him and forcing herself to turn her back to him. “What does Jaha have on you? Did he treatened to kill someone?”

“He already did.” she whispers sadly and turns back around, meeting his confused and scared face “Alex is gone.”

“No.” it wasn’t just his voice that broke, it was as if the guards physically hit him again and broke his leg once more.”No-”

“I have to go, Bellamy.” she said trying to keep herself from breaking anymore. She should’ve never let it slip about Alex-she was supposed to make him believe that this was her choice so he wouldn’t try to break into Alpha or do something stupid like start a goddamn revolution over a single girl.

This wasn’t Troy and she sure as hell wasn’t as beautiful as Helen.

People won’t die for her. She won’t let it happen, ever again.

“Clarke, please, stop, let’s just talk!” he begged and she turned around again finding him trying to sit up, maybe even stand as if he had forgotten that both his legs were broken.

He pathetically fell back on the ground and sighed painfully, reaching for his hand and clasping her chest as if his heart hurt which worried her even more.

“This isn’t you.” he said when whatever pain he was feeling passed through his body “I know it. We agreed that no matter what happens, we’ll face it...together.”

“We can’t face this.” she says coldly, remembering Jaha’s treats in her head-I’ll kill the Greens, Jasper and Maya, I’ll destroy their lives. “Because there was never a 'we', Bellamy.”

“Clarke-”

“It wasn’t real!” she raised her voice, echoing through the small room and watching as he crumbled upon her look “I was stupid. My mom and dad were right-I don’t belong here.”

“That’s bullshit and you know it!”

“No it’s not. Wells sending me here was a lesson and I only realize this now.” Bellamy’s head snapped in confusion again “It was never real, Bellamy. It was just punishment.”

“You can say what you want, Clarke.” he smiled a little “I know this isn’t you. They’re making you say this and I don’t believe it for a second.” Clarke felt desperation wash over her and she forced herself to kneel down to his level again and take his hands in her.

He couldn’t be fooled. 

“You have to stop fighting them, okay?” she tries desperately and he shakes his head stubbornly.

“Never.”

“You have to let me go.”

“I won’t.” he squeezes her hand back in his bruised ones and then he says something she never expected him to, not in this moment anyway. It comes so out of nowhere that she freezes in her spot and is unable to move for a moment.

“Marry me, Clarke.” he tells her, pulling her to him.

“What?” she croaks absolutely stunned.

“Marry me.” he insists, gripping her fingers, knowing they’re running out of time “If we’re married, you officially become Factory citizent and they cannot make you go back.” Clarke smiles, bows her head down and thinks how sweet he is in his naivity.

“Of couse they can, Bellamy.” she meets his eyes again “This won’t change anything.”

“You never answered.” he insisted “Come on, Clarke. You know what we are to each other. This isn’t just about getting us out of this situation-I love you, you know that I do and I want to spend the rest of my life with you and Gus-the three of us together.”

Clarke shakes her head again-this sounded great but it was impossible, Jaha would never let it happen. What was Bellamy thinking? That they’d get an official here and be wed in a prison cell with Jaha watching from the other room and giving them their congratulations?

No, this would never work.

And even if it did, it’d only make the chancellor angrier, he’d find a way to hurt them worse, probably kill Harper and Monty or Jasper and Maya, take Gus away or fire Bellamy-anything, really, to destroy them.

He was right-he had all the power, not them.

“Clarke, look at me.” he begs again and she squeezes her eyes shut “Please, will you look at me?”  she finally does and he tries to smile through the pain when he meets her eyes “Say yes.” he begs her “Just, please...Clarke, say yes.”

She feels the tears roll down her cheeks and she squeezes his hands so tight, she’s pretty sure she’ll add to the bruises.

Her knees fall to the floor and she kneels to his level-if she’s about to break his heart, she has to face him properly.

“No.” she finally says and it comes out as a broken whisper as much as it does like a strong wind that blows Bellamy off and makes his whole body crumple again, fold in on himself and shatter him into a million pieces.

He was a dendelion she sneaked under the cracks of and detonated into the world, sending all its parts off to circle around and never come back.

“I won’t.” she adds “I don’t love you.”

“Clarke-” he tries again and he’s crying now too “No-” he shakes his head in disbelief but she squeezes his hands forcing him to look at her.

“Yes. I’m not capable of loving anyone, I never had and maybe what we had was nice for a while but...it’s not me, Bellamy.” she insists and it comes from her heart now “Sooner or later, it would’ve ended and I would’ve found my way back home, I think we both know it.” 

“Please-” he tries again and this time she stands up and stares at him from above, his broken body resonates with her broken soul.

“I don’t belong with you.”

“You can fight this! We will find a way!” he tries desperately but she just smiles sadly.

“Maybe-” she lies knowing it’ll set his reality in motion faster than anything else “But I don’t want to.”

“What about me? What about Gus? Will you just leave us behind? After everything!” he raised his voice again and though it was weak and hoarse it still came out angry, shattering her whole being.”You made a promise.”

“I’m sorry.” she said “You should’ve known not to trust me.” the guards open the door and come in to take her. Bellamy rages against his restrains and calls out to her, begging her, yelling that he doesn’t believe her, asking her to please come back, cursing Jaha, Kane, Alpha...everyone.

But it is useless. It was over. 

As they’re dragging her away all she wants to do is run back to him and tell him how much she loves him, kiss him one last time, beg him for forgiveness after everything she’s done.

She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath as she hears the door behind her close and his yells coming in from inside, desperate to reach her.

They don’t. Clarke shuts them out and closes her heart forever as she slides down the metal wall and curls up on herself, crying quietly.

He’ll hate her for the rest of his life-she thinks.

But at least he’ll have a life to live.