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“hey kid. knock knock.”
“Oh my God, Sans, not another knock-knock joke. That’s the tenth one today. Think of something more original.”
“nothing wrong with knock-knock jokes. they're guaranteed to get a laugh. come on, (y/n), humor me. heh heh.”
“Ugh, fine! Fine! Okay. Who’s there?”
“boo.”
“You told this one literally thirty minutes ago to Papyrus. I heard you in the kitchen.”
“yeah, I told it to Paps, not you. boo.”
“Sigh. Boo who?”
“aw, don’t cry, kiddo.”
“Geez, the impact factor to that one would have been a lot better if I hadn’t already heard it.”
“hey, I can’t help it if my humor is bone-dry, right? and come on, you’re smirking. that’s something.”
“Okay, okay, yes, you did get a rise out of me. But only a little bit. I can’t help but smile at your jokes, even if you have told them a million times.”
“well, kid, I’m glad I’m a perpetual source of entertainment to you.”
“I didn’t even used to like jokes until I fell into the Underground. Now that I hear them all the time from you, I can’t help but to crack up every damn time.”
“at least I’m good at something, right?”
“Yep, one single thing.”
“hey now, I’d like to think I’m good at other stuff.”
“Such as?”
“selling water sausage hot dogs.”
“Okay, two things.”
“actually… I do have a bit of a hidden talent. I don’t get to use it much, though. not many people around here that are keen enough to appreciate it.”
“I have this creeping feeling that you’re about to set me up for another pun, but I am a little bit intrigued. What’s this secret skill of yours?”
“… hm, well, I guess it’s all right. you’re all grown up now. it’s a little bit off-base, I won’t fibula to you. heh heh.”
“Jesus, you’re never going to stop, are you? Do you even have a third thing you’re good at, or are you just jerking my chain?”
“nah, I’m being serious for once. I’m actually pretty good at talking dirty.”
“… Come again? Did you say dirty talk?”
“yep. you could say I’m a…bone-fide expert.”
“Okay, you’re definitely screwing with me now.”
“i'm not. want me to demonstrate?”
“I guess? I have no idea how I’m supposed to respond to that. I’ll admit I’m curious. But how will you talk dirty to me if you’re a monster? Aren’t you clueless about human anatomy?”
“what do you think I do with all my free time? I’m usually in the library, bone-ing up on my knowledge. and a lot of that knowledge includes human anatomy, slang, and—“
“Bad jokes. I got it. Okay, let’s hear how good you are, you silly goose.”
“silly goose? heh, you won’t been calling me a silly goose when I’m done with you, filthy slut.”
“… Whoa, holy shit Sans, that went from zero to sixty in like—”
“hush. don’t look so surprised that I called you a slut. I know exactly what you do on the couch downstairs at night when you think me and Papyrus are asleep.”
“… wait, what the hell? How do you know about—”
“you lie there with your panties around your ankles, your fingers deep inside your tight little cunt, moaning out half-shells of certain things you’d like someone to do to you. how much you wish there were something bigger and thicker in you than your tiny knuckles.”
“W-wh-what do—”
“hm, let’s see now. ‘sans, I want you to fuck me!’ ‘sans, do it harder! please!’ and my personal favorite, ‘sans, I want you to come inside me!’ do you know much I’d love to do that, kiddo? fuck you until you’re barely even screaming half a syllable of my name and blow my load inside you so my cum rolls down your quivering thighs?”
“O-o-o-o-oh—“
“or maybe you need a bit of a warm-up first? I’ll bet you’d love feeling my phalanges inside your sweet, wet, soaking pussy instead of your own. they’re a lot thicker and…ribbed for your pleasure. heh heh.”
“…”
“not even a laugh out of that one, eh? I don’t blame you. when you’re anticipating my fat, throbbing cock inside you, I’d find it hard to muster the energy to laugh either.”
“S-sans—”
“mmm, yes, and I’d want you to moan my name in your cute voice like that. why don’t you beg for me, babe? right now. ask me nicely and maybe I’ll give you what you want.”
“… right now?”
“yes. tell me exactly what you want me to do to you, right this second. and don’t deny to me that you aren’t aroused. I can smell your musk from here, beautiful."
“U-um. Okay. Sans… Sans… I want—ahem. Sans, I want—”
“spit it out, kiddo. I’m not a fan of swallowing.”
“Sans… I want you to… fuck me.”
“now that’s a start. how do you want me to fuck you?”
“… h-hard. Really hard. Until I… until I come.”
“mm, you need a little bit of practice on your dirty talk. I understand, though; I caught you off-guard. we have plenty of time. however, if you weren’t so surprised right now, I wouldn’t hesitate to bend you over this couch and fuck you over the arm until you’re biting your lip so hard it’s bleeding. you wouldn’t want to scream too loud right now, would you? wouldn’t want Paps to come out of the kitchen and find you enjoying yourself on my dick.”
“....”
“…”
“…”
“… uh, hey kiddo, I’m really sorry. I just realized that went a bit far. I didn’t really mean to get like that. but… hey, there you go, right? I guess you can see that I’m really good at that, nobones about it! ha… hah.”
“… Sans.”
“uh, hey, listen kid, I’ll make it up to you, I promise. I didn’t mean to push your buttons like that. how about we ditch Papyrus’s spaghetti and go to Grillby’s? my treat.”
“No.”
“I mean, if you want Paps’s food that badly, I guess we can—“
“Bend me over this couch and bury your fucking cock in me. Right now.”
“… uh, wait, kiddo—“
“You think I’m going to let you get away with baiting me that much? Papyrus takes forever to cook. We have plenty of time. You’re going to leave me this dripping wet after all that hot, sexy talk and not even help me out? You’re a real tease. I want to choke on you. Get the fuck over here.”
“whoa, kid, are you sure about th—“
“Knock knock.”
“… who’s there?”
“Me. And you’re going to come inside.”