My hee-hee

by areasell, kms8134

Summary:

Michael Jackson winds up in 1960s Pennsylvania after setting his head on fire, only to find a band called Nazz. He's simping hard for Stewkey but i'm not sure Stewkey's boyfriend Thom would agree.

Notes:

• Inspired by booty lettuce by cheap_whores_for_jesus

This is a two character person work. Sadly, the second writer does not have Ao3. I pray to god Otis never sees this.
EDIT: SIKE BITCH!!! The second writer now has Ao3!!!

Chapter 1: The Michael Jackson flames fiasco

Summary:

Michael Jackson winds up in 1960s Pennsylvania after getting his head set ablaze.

The years were 1968 and 1984. Michael was doing a pretty cool commercial thing and Stewkey was smoking a joint or sumn I don’t fuckin know. While Michael is doing his epic gangster commercial and doing some epic poses, the mousse in his hair said “Aight I think i’m boutta head out” and catches on fire. Michael being really fucking scared because his head is on fire leaps backwards, literally does 70 kickflips in 3 milliseconds, does a whole ballet routine and gymnastic routine backstage, and little does he know there is a pretty cool time machine back dere. Michael frantic as hell and not wanting everyone to see him in pain, leaps into that time machine doing the macarena, pushes every button he sees, and bam he’s off.

 

Michael, unaware of what just happened, noticed that pushing buttons in this machine won’t solve his hair being on fire. He leaps out and falls on the floor screaming.

Chapter 2: Michael meets some small dick music dudes

Summary:

Michael Jackson meets some really stupid people and they invite him over.

Creds to my homeboy for writing out most of this chapter

This really tall white dude caught Michael out of the corner of his eye. “Hey buddy, this dude’s scalp is on fire!”

 

“Woah Carson!” This really ugly skinny dude came out from behind him. “Get a bucket of water or something!”

The tall white dude (apparently his name is Carson but you can’t believe nobody) ran off to go get a bucket.

Michael’s hair is turning into a burnt crisp. Who knew hair could be so flammable. Anyways so Michael is screaming in pain waiting for the white boy bucket. So Carson is a dumbass and he thought he could stop the fire with milk. Carson let out the fire but now Michael covered in milk.

“Sir I am so sorry, I’ll do anything to fix this tender situation.” said Carson

“It’s ok but I’m lactose intolerant you bitch. At least the fire is out though but still imma get mad poopy.” Michael said

“That’s something an old friend used to say…haha…” Carson said

“MAd poopy? That’s funny this guy seems like a great fella” Michael said

“Well he’s kinda weird but you’re weird too not in a good way maybe you’ll bond over what kind of crack you smoke idk” Carson said

“ I feel like we should introduce ourselves” Carson said, covering his nose cause that milk is starting to stink real bad. “I’m Carson and this is Todd.” 

Todd did not respond. Instead he decided to go cross eyed.

“I’m Michael HEE HEE- Jackson. My name is Michael Jackson. You’ve probably heard of me i’m pretty famous.”

“Uhhhh nope” Carson said

“I’m sure you could find me on a government list of some sort. Anyways” Michael finished

Todd interrupted “Hey you seem cool, do you wanna meet the rest of the band?”

Michael said “Oh sure but I lost all my hair and im depressed also i smell like sour cream so this sucks”

Carson said “Don’t worry Stewkey likes mexican food, you’ll be fine”

“Oh yeah and Thom is depressed too, that’s some nice bonding material. Dont make a suicide pact tho thats for later in life” Todd said

Chapter 3: Carson attempts to poison Michael Jackson yep he does

Summary:

Michael Jackson doesn't actually get poisoned i'm sorry

Carson, Todd, and Michael entered this really narrow house. They walked up these really shitty creaky stairs with Todd leading. Todd was always the best at sniffing stuff out and Stewkey always smelled the most. Todd finally tracked down Stewkey’s drug scent but when he went to open the door it was locked. Carson went in front of Todd and started banging on the door. “OPEN UP YOU FUCKING JUNKIE” Carson yelled. “He doesn’t mean that!! We love you Stew!” Todd also yelled.

Stewkey opened the door almost knocking it down with his force. “Ayyyyyy fellas I didn’t know you would be back this soon uhhh…”

Thom came out of the room, looking like he frantically dressed 2 seconds ago. “Hey Todd, Carson, i’m cigarette gang for life but you gotta try this boof the Stew gave me! It’s got me acting unwise”

“No thanks…” Carson said. “I’d rather stick to the paint chemicals…”

“Hey guys!” Todd shouted, forgetting they’re done yelling at Stewkey to come out, “This is Michael! We found him on the road on fire!!!!! Isn’t that fucking sick!!!!”

“Todd, calm down.” Carson interrupted. “Heyyyyy Michael i’m Stewkey. You smell like mexican food.” Stewkey tried to aim for Michael’s hand attempting to give him a handshake, but his boof was too strong and he fell backwards into Thom’s left shoulder.

“I told you that kush was good.” Thom said. “You sure you guys don’t want any? Cures all your problemsssszzzzz” Thom said.

“Maybe we should wait for them to get back to their senses” Carson said. “Do you like coffee? Do you want some? Maybe some apple juice?”

“I’ll take some apple juice” Michael replied. “And maybe a bath I smell like sour cream and hot.”

Chapter 4: Michael Jackson gets sleep deprivation

Summary:

Michael Jackson is having a hard time in the house...

Carson prepared some apple juice for Michael and invited him to sit down in the living room, which consisted of 3 foldable chairs and a foldable table. Thom and Stewkey were making a ruckus upstairs, banging into stuff and yelling. Todd could also be heard crying in the bathroom.

Michael and Carson had a long talk about how Michael got set on fire n stuff. He explained that the year is not 1984 and that it is 1968. They are in Pennsylvania and they have to do a concert next day. 

“Man that’s kinda cool but when the fuck did I ask” Michael said. “I have my own concerts to go to. I’ll blow up the music genre this era with my bangers.” 

“What the fuck man no. You cant be changing history on us. Let us do our thing.” Carson said. “AY YOU AIN’T HEARD MY BEATS DOE” Michael leaped up onto the foldable table and started doing an assortment of “Hee-hee”’s and “OOH!”’s. Carson was not impressed. “Who the fuck listens to that shit man?” 

“All the girls that bounce on ur dick man.” Michael responded.

“HEY LISTEN HERE MAN. I GET ALL THE HOT FUCKING MIL-”

Stewkey threw his door open, drawling down the stairs into the living room.

“Hey maaan, I heard your singing and it’s a vibe! Ooh aah hee hee”

“Hey Stew! Get the fuck back in heeirgihoerghuer0irtgifjqrgbtuifrgtref-gthrjei0fw-rgth0frew-ogrtihbrefvw-feoithrb” Thom yelled out

“Ah shit that’s my call. Seeya later weird dude! Ooh ah WOO heehee! I’m comin Thom!”

“Walk fa-aifgrijrfijosfoijpofisdvijfedubvscdfhuv”

 

“Well, let’s just forget what we were talking about. I’ll take that glass for you.” Carson took Michael’s glass and went to go wash it. “Go do whatever. I don’t care.”

Michael went upstairs to the bathroom and opened the door, only to witness a crying Todd.

“I thought I locked that door! I can’t even lock doors right waaaaaaaa” 

Todd ran out of the bathroom into the backyard. Michael not really caring about any of that weak bs took a nice cold shower. Not being used to water touching his scalp he did a lot of weird noises ok. After Michael was done with his shower he walked out of the bathroom only to discover everyone went to bed. He didn’t really know where to sleep. He opened all of the doors he saw, the first being Carson’s

There he saw Carson in elephant pyjamas spooning a white bucket of paint. Michael really confused closed the door and went into the next room. This was Thom’s room. When he opened the door he saw a really messy room and a ton of shirtless cowboy posters. Holy shit are there a ton of shirtless cowboy posters. It was better than nothing and nobody was there so he decided to sleep in there for the night.

Chapter 5: Thom gets the spicies for ram ranch

Summary:

Michael is tryna sleep but a very active Thom barges in and screams bloody murder

It was very early in the morning. The sun hadn’t risen yet. The whole house was still asleep….except for Thom and Michael. Michael was having trouble sleeping due to not being used to sleeping in jeans, and Thom was awake cause he needed to get out of Stewkey’s room before any of the housemates suspected anything. Michael was thinking about if he’d ever get home, if his girlfriends or siblings missed him, when all of a sudden he heard

 

“EIGHTEEN NAKED COWBOYS IN THE SHOWERS AT RAAAAM RAAANCH”

 

Oh shit! It was Thom! Michael knew it was Thom because of all of the naked cowboy photos all over his room. Michael looked around for a place to hide, but there were none. He couldn’t hide in all of the damn cowboy pics. Suddenly he heard

“COWBOY’S IN THE SHOWERS AT RAN RANCH WANTING TO- HEY WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM”

 

“Hey, dude…” Michael said. “I was tireddd. I needed sleeeeppp there was nowhere elseee.”

“BOI GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY ROOM”

Michael proceeded to exit the room. “Where am I goona sleep now?” He asked.

“I don’t fucking know. Go sleep with Todd outside or somethin. He’s always complaining about being lonely or sumn.”

Michael had almost no other choice but to sleep outside with Todd, or, atleast try. He wasn’t goona to ask if he could sleep with Stewkey. He’s not fucking gay. Michael hustled outside and holy shit was it cold. He found Todd lying on the ground sleeping.

Michael sat next to him and tried to get a good nights rest. 30 minutes later, however, he heard a faint whisper from Todd. He said

“Hey man,,,,how loud that bussy bop”

Michael really fucking weirded out by Todd asking that tried to hustle back inside as soon as he could. “I gotta ask Stewkey.” He said. “I gotta ask him. Carson will cuss me out if I try to sleep in his room. I gotta ask.” 

Chapter 6: Michael Jackson gets sleep deprivation part 2

Summary:

Michael got that yummy yummy that yummy yummy

Michael spent a couple of minutes rehearsing how he would ask and how it wouldn’t sound gay as hell and went up to Stewkey’s room. 

 

Michael slowly opened the door. “Hey man….” Stewkey was sound asleep.

“Shit...I don’t wanna wake him up...but I gotta.”

Michael slowly and peacefully shook Stewkey awake. “Hey man...i’m sorry I gotta wake you up right now but i’ve got no place to sleep.”

"Oh hey weird dude." Stewkey said. "I don't mind you sleeping on the floor or something, just don't sleep in my bed that's pretty fucking gay. There's some clothes on the floor if you wanna make something out of that Todd does laundry tomorrow."

Michael made a pretty shit pillow out of Stewkey's clothes. Seriously is this even a pillow? He made put for the night and nothing really bothered him except for Stewky's constant snoring but eh he could get used to it.

Early the next morning, Todd decided to make a dirt throne for his holy waifu body pillow Kizuna AI. "Ohhhh Kizuna. You're the only one who understands my pain and suffering in this modern society. I love you more than that bitch Patricia who shattered my heart fuck you Patricia I have PTSD now. Kizuna Kizuna eee hee hee hee." Todd proceeded to get some chocolate pudding and a spoon out of the kitchen inside and shuffled out. He proceeded to feed his body pillow a whole container of chocolate pudding. There was pudding everywhere dude. Todd's goona get the shit beat outta him you know how Carson is with being always neat and tidy. Todd didn't really give a fuck anymore tho he's with his waifu now. "Let's go in the barn Kizuna teehee!" Todd proceeded to bring his body pillow into the barn, which was full of paint cans cause Carson was into that shit.

"Hey duude good morning. You want a boof?" Stewkey asked Michael. Michael declined but was flattered nonetheless. They both exited the room and fixed some epic super mario cereal!!!!

"Yo Michael this is my SHIT!" Stewkey said

"hey fellas." Carson interrupted. "Could ya quiet down? I'm tryna read my weekly oil paint magazine. Thom is still upstairs sleeping." They both agreed to keep quiet and eat their fucking epic super mario cereal dude! It's fucking super! Absolutely bonkers man it's great.

 

After they were done with their cereal they walked outside to the side of the house. It was like a real tiny alleyway Nazz was piss broke dude. "Hey dude do you smoke? I got a pack you can take a cig out of idgaf." Michael took a cig and they both smoked for a bit and cracked jokes and had some epic story development times. They went back inside and played some cards idk this was 1968.

Carson went outside to check on his paint barn. It was customary that he checked his beloved paint barn every 6 hours and this was the 6th hour. "Mhm can't wait to check on my beloved paint barn! There could totally be nobody fucking a body pillow in my paint barn!" Carson opened the door to the paint barn and there was Todd fucking the shit out of his Kizuna AI body pillow. Literally going raw in his Kizuna AI body pillow he cut a small hole out of it for his dick bruh he's crazy. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY PAINT BARNNNNN"  Carson shrieked. "YOU KNOW THE PAINT BARN IS OFF LIMITS!!!! ARE YOU SERIOUSLY FUCKING YOUR STUPID PILLOW IN MY PAINT BARN. MY LITTLE PAINTS ARE FUCKING SCARRED NOW! FUCK YOU MAN!" Carson literally fucking picked up Todd with one finger and threw him through the roof. He probably died of the impact I don't fucking care I wasn't paying attention and neither was Carson. He sulked and caressed his buckets of paint and said a lot of hail Mary's. Todd's bones were literally shattered he could not get up. His body pillow was not aware of the crazy paint fetish dude that lived here and moved to graceland, never seeing Todd again. "Hey whatever. Everyone leaves me i'm used to this shit." Todd spent many hours on the dirt floor trying to relocate his tons of broken bones.

Meanwhile in the house Stewkey was absolutely getting obliterated by cards with Michael Jackson. Not like he played anyways he was always too busy making a hella good boof every day.

"Damn Shawty you win again. I dunno how but you did you're pretty good at this."

"Thanks Stew I always played this with my sisters a lot-"

Carson barged into the room.

"YO YO YO DID YOU SEEEE THIS LITTLE SHIT FUCKING HIS STUPID ASS PILLOW IN MY PAINT BARN BRUH."

Chapter 7: FACE OFF!

Summary:

Michael understands his feels for Stewkey and does a little dance

Stewkey and Michael were very rudely interrupted by Carson.

"Todd? And that Japanese girl thing?" Stewkey asked. "I wouldn't doubt it honestly."

"Is that the thing Todd was cuddling when I was trying to sleep outside?" Michael asked.

"WHAAAAT?" Carson and Stewkey said in unison

"YOU SLEPT OUTSIDE?" Stewkey asked

"TODD WAS SLEEPING WITH A FUCKING ANIME BODY PILLOW?" Carson asked. "I OUGHTA THROW HIM THROUGH THE ROOF THE SECOND TIME!"

"Dude, Michael, I don't know how long you slept outside, but you should have came to me before you decided to do that. Todd sleeps outside because he's been bad. You haven't been bad dude. You can always sleep on my bedroom floor. I accept anyone." This was the first time Stewkey said Michael's name. Michael was again very flattered by this gay shit but he knew he had to hide it because being gay is a fucking sin and he thought Stewkey was straight as fuck. "Ok, Stew..."

"You can call me Robert if you want. Bob's fine too."

"I- uh- o-ok..." Michael was now extremely overwhelmed with feelings. Could this be love? No. This is being a gay ass motherfucker. That's illegal. "I-I gotta go to the bathroom brb guys"

"Take your time" Stewkey and Carson said.

Michael rushed into the bathroom. he could hear the git up by Blanco Brown from two doors down.

"Shit shit shit! I can't be fucking gay dude that's illegal man. I'll get put on the news for breaking the law AGAIN. The fuck am I goona do?"

While Michael was contemplating his secret love for Stewkey, Thom came down from his room with his portable record player, blasting the git up by Blanco Brown in the room.

"Loud Thom, loud!!!!" Carson yelled.

"Hey Stewkey, do you wanna do the two step and cowboy boogie with me man?"

"Uhhhhhhhh sure." Stewkey replied "Just don't make it too stupid."

Thom and Stewkey did a stupid little dance in the living room while Carson yelled and cried. "This is my house!!!! We will get noise complaints guys please please please!!!!!" After begging for them to stop for a while, Carson grew hopeless, ran into his room and cried while hugging a bucket of paint. "They're too loud man." Carson told the bucket. "I wish I knew how to make them shut the fuck up."

Michael was done contemplating in the bathroom and came back out. "Hey stew-"

"Yo, weird dude!" Thom interrupted. "Do you wanna cowboy boogie with the Stew and I?"

"Oh heck yeah man!" Michael ran to dance with the skinny twink boys. Uhhh I only know how to do one dance though.

"It's all good dude! Just try your best!"

Michael started kicking his legs up and doing twirls. Thom and Stewkey started doing the same.

Michael finally felt a bit at home.

Chapter 8: Todd and the shower surprise

Summary:

After 2 years, we are back bitches!! The house gets some new members, and Todd gets the fright of his life.

Todd was sleeping outside like he usually did, when he woke up to get some milk for his upset tummy, which was really weird cause Todd is lactose intolerant (like others in the house). All of the nazz house was asleep cause it was 4am, and Todd came up with a great idea. “Hey, what if I sneak in a shower? I haven’t showered in 2 months since the shower ban. I’m hella stinky. Gotta make sure Carson is asleep tho.”

Todd tiptoed into Carson’s room like one of those old cartoon characters, piano sound effect and all. When he creaked the door open, he noticed a small note on Carson’s bed. “I’m at Channel Home Centers, looking for a new addition to my paint family. I will be back. P.S. Todd, DO NOT TOUCH THE FUCKING SHOWER” After Todd took his time reading this lovely note, he flipped it over to reveal a small doodle of Todd picking his nose, with the caption “P.U.!” Todd didn’t really give a shit what Carson had to say though, and headed straight for the shower.

Todd tiptoed straight to the shower so the other nazz boys wouldn’t hear him, but stewkey was snoring hella loud so it scared him. He wanted to check up on him but really Todd couldn’t give two shits about this dude cuz he still owes him twenty dollars. Todd just really doesn't give a shit. Stewkey actually owes Todd negative money because he keeps trying to rip people off for weed. Todd also tries to rip Stewkey off for the Chuck E Cheese tokens Stewkey gets cause Stewkey is a hella good Chuck E Cheese gamer, so Todd also has hella negative money. Money so negative he couldn’t pay his $0 rent and Carson demoted him to outside. So basically, no one really knows who is paying the fucking rent. Sometimes Carson is able to pay rent from his alleyway paint huffing business, where he charges random people to “sniff his paint” for one dollar. Because of Carson’s good looks I think, he can afford to pay the rent, along with paint cans. Sometimes Stewkey gets his boof by stealing blunt matter from discarded blunts on the street that are all smoked and shit. He is smoking the ashes of ashes of boof but he is okay with that. Sometimes Thom is generous and goes into the family dollar and steals boof materials for Stewkey and himself. One time Stewkey and Thom tried to create a family boof business long long ago, but they both ended up smoking all the weed together in 30 seconds and ran out of everything so that idea was scratched. Anyways Todd went into the bathroom and got a little suspicious. He heard breathing and he thought it was Carson who promised he was at the Channel Home Centers. Todd was let down again. He knew he was gonna get beat the fuck up and Carson is standing at the other side of the door rn. Todd got on his hands and knees and started pleading.
“I’m sorry Carson!! I didn’t mean to go into the bathroom!!!!! It was a misstep!” Before Todd could say another word, he realized he could hear the shower was on. Then he heard a few quiet words.
“Uhhhh you can see who’s in the shower for 5 bucks yo”
He peeped through the little keyhole in the door and saw this little guy in a big purple suit. He looked like he could cause harm prolly but Todd couldn’t stop noticing his dumb fucking sleeves that were five times his height in length alone.
Todd slowly opened the door and could not believe what was going on in the house. This random pale as fuck dude was just standing there menacingly. “You wanna see what’s in the shower or not?”
“I have negative money what the fuck do you want me to do” Todd replied.
“How the fuck do you have negative dollars?” Johnny Thunders barked.
“Well, me and the guys went to Chuck E Cheese, and…and…Stewkey took all my coins”
“Sorry I can’t do anything bud, now get the fuck out of my house” this pale as fuck dude said.
Todd is pissed. “I can’t even take a little peek dude?”
“Five dollars.”
Todd goes into Stewkey’s room as he’s snoring loud as all fuck. He is literally shaking the room Todd tiptoes in, but his piano sound effects wake up Stewkey.
“Who…oh, Todd, is that you man? What’re you doing here?”
“I’ve come here for my allowance.”
“Your allowance? Who is giving you an allowance dude?? We’re broke as fuck.”
Todd stomped on the floor and made a very loud “hmph!!” sound. “You ripped me off you bitch. You told me Chuck E Cheese coins had 2% real gold in them but the pawn shop dude looked at me weird as hell.”
“Wait, they don’t?” Stewkey was flabbergasted.
“Give me real money and stop wasting your allowance on Chuck E Cheese games…. And BOOF.” Todd put out his arm and started doing a grabby motion.
Stewkey looked at him confused as hell. “Nawwwwwwwwwwe” he said, rolling over and falling asleep again.
“Noo!” Todd said, jumping up and down. Man he was throwing a fit. Stewkey had no idea because his snoring vibrations cancelled out Todd’s jumping vibrations. Dude can not win.
Todd then went to Thom’s room, which was pretty daring for Todd, since he was deathly afraid of Thom’s room and the naked cowboys ew…but he needed five dollars, so he walked in anyway. Todd instantly noticed a handful of Chuck E Cheese coins on Thom’s dresser. He was very tempted to take them. Actually way too tempted. He took them while Thom was sleep talking about cigarettes and cowboys or something I dunno, but he took them and went back to the bathroom, where the big purple suit dude was still waiting.
“I brought the money.” Todd said, putting out his hand to reveal exactly five Chuck E Cheese coins.
Johnny snatched the coins from Todd and threw them back in his face.
“I don’t care if that hurt, I’m not taking monopoly money not again!!!!!! Not after the Stiv situation noo!!” Johnny became increasingly paranoid and began saying weird as hell things.
“Yo Johnny it ain’t that deep yo yo, German kids don’t care about what type of currency yo.”
Johnny hits the shower curtain with his huuuge purple sleeve and it knocked out Dee Dee clean.
“Two dollar discount. 3 dollars pay up fool.” Johnny said with this shit eating smirk on his face.
Todd was getting really really angry. “Grrrrr!!! I’ll tell Kizuna AI on you…you bitch!!!!! You’ve made me, Todd Rundgren, VERY mad!!!!!!!”
What nobody knows is that Johnny is just as weasely as Todd, I mean it was bad. “GRRRRRR!!!!!” Johnny was seething at the mouth, he nearly bit his tongue off.
“You just made me unleash my wolf form, Johnny! You better get really, REALLY scared, before I start barking!!”
Todd showed his teeth and Johnny was a little disturbed. Johnny began barking at Todd, and his teeth were green. Todd barked too. They began barking at each other in the bathroom and Thom had to take a piss really bad. Unfortunately, Thom’s bedroom was right next to the bathroom, and he could hear all the barking and howling going on right in his ear. He was really confused, thinking it was Stewkey having a bad boof again, and got up to calm him down.
“Yo Stewkey what’s going o- WHAT THE HELLLLLL” Thom was faced in front of two really ugly dudes barking. He was flabbergasted. “Why the hell are you guys having a barking contest in my bathroom?”
Johnny looked Thom up and down. “He has unleashed my true wolf. Little did he know muahaha, I am an alpha! Muahahahahaha”
Thom looked at them with a real “what in the fuck?” look. “Alright, that’s cool and all, but can you guys get out of the bathroom so I can piss”
“Okay cool, five bucks. Todd you better pay up homie because you smell like fucking ass. You smell like ass fr.”
“Where are either of us gonna get five bucks dude?” Thom spoke up. “Todd is in negative debt, and I just spent my last five dollars on a pack of Newports.”
“I don’t know dude. Steal some.”
Thom and Todd tiptoed into Stewkey’s room, piano sound effects in unison. They looked into his boof allowance and found he had negative dollars.
“Where else should we look?” Todd asked.
“Don’t worry dude. I know where Stewkey’s secret stash is. Both of them.” Thom went to search in Stewkey’s massive clothes pile, when he noticed a Michael Jackson sleeping on all of them. “Psst. Michael.” Thom said, poking him.
“Huh..? What are you doing in our room?”
“We need five dollars for the shower show. Give us some.”
“Pay me five dollars and I’ll give you some.”
“We don’t have five dollars” Todd said.
“But you owe me five dollars” Michael said.
Thom threw the pile of clothes back on Michael and looked into Stewkey’s boof bowl. He took all the boof.
He politely tapped on Stewkey’s shoulder. “Steeewkeyyyy wake up pookie!”
“Huh? Oh…it’s you. Did you make sure Todd went back outside?”
“No, he needs to take a shower cause he smells really bad. But I found some boof in the dumpster near the paint store. You can have it all for five bucks.”
“BOOF!?!?!?!?” Stewkey was panting like a dog bro. Dude was high off just the thought of a five dollar boof. He reached down to get some shoebox that looked like it survived the war of 1812, which contained five dusty one dollar bills, a nickel, a penny, and a spider web. “I’ve been saving this for the best boof on the east coast. Give me it!!!!”
“Here’s all the boof and a little bit more…” Thom gave the handful to Stewkey and he was jittering so much he couldn’t wait to get high with the best boof in some dumpster.
“It’s mine!!!!” Stewkey kicked the guys out so they wouldn’t steal his boof and resell it to him again like last time. The time before this one don’t worry he knows he didn’t get fooled this time.
“This is for your shower,” Thom said. “Make sure you get a discount though I don’t want to hear barking again.”
“He-lllo!” Todd yelled. He threw his dusty money at Johnny; it nearly broke apart when he handed it to him. Johnny opened the shower curtain. There stood a five foot and ten inches tall thingy with tattoos and very hairy legs, his red high heels adding 6 inches to his height to be tall as FUCK. He wore bright red lipstick and blue eyeshadow. His red dress was two sizes too small but damn did it look good.
“Yo yo yo German kid, you here to see some of this shower action?”
Todd looked very uneasy but he smelled really bad so what could he do
“Uhhh do you sing or sum” Todd said. “I dunno what shower entertainment is.”
“Oh yeah I sing, German dude! Johnny, get out the mixtape!!”
Immediately Johnny pulled out a large CD player from his suit. He then pulled out a cassette tape that read “slut music” on the front. Todd and Thom were really confused because they’d never seen a CD player or a cassette tape in their lives.
“I do not care who the feds send, I am not paying my taxes.” Thom headed out of that room. Just as Thom walked out, the most annoying ass electric drum came out of the CD player and shook the house. It shook the house so bad that Thom got jerked back into bed. Stewkey’s room was also shaking but he was so high off the boof he didn’t realize what was going on.
“It’s time to rock! It’s time to rap” Dee Dee started while singing into a bottle of shampoo. Todd covered his ears. He grabbed the showerhead and faced as far away from Dee Dee as humanly possible, which was 23 centimeters away.
“Yo yo yo hol up, this German kid better know this funky tune!”
“Yo D, the tape wore off for German Kid, I can’t play it anymo-”
“Johnny FUCKING PLAY GERMAN KID DU VERDAMMTES STÜCK SCHEISSE ICH SCHWÖRE BEI VERDAMMTEM GOTT”
Johnny turned paler than the fucking ghost, which is hard to do when you’re Johnny Genzale Thunders. Though his outwards emotion didn’t really show it, his eyes, which were covered under his glasses, surprisingly showed that he was actually possibly scared as fuckin’ balls. Todd could feel Johnny’s fear possibly because he’s an “empath” or whatever the kids call it idk.
“Johnny, blink 2 times if you’re in danger.” Todd said. Johnny gave Todd the most “wtfdidyoujustsay?” look ever.
“How would he be in danger, this bathroom’s pretty safe” Dee Dee said.
Thom barges in again pissed as fuck. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU POPTARTS DOING BLASTING MUSIC LOUDER THAN ME. Y’ALL SHIT BRAINERS MADE MY COWBOY POSTER FALL DOWN!”
“He’s getting what he paid for, yo” Dee Dee said, now touching Todd’s balls. Todd was absolutely horrified. Crying even.
Thom looked horrified. “Todd get out the shower we’ve all been touched by a hairy man in a dress before”
Todd curled his bottom lip and ran out the shower ass naked and carrying his clothes. “YOU PEOPLE ARE NOT REAL!!!“ Thom looked at the two hooligans and started getting really angry. Almost wolf form angry but he ain’t like that so
“What the hell did y’all just do to our boy Todd?? Y’all should be ASHAMED. He’s never been touched by a man in a dress even though we’ve all been there!”
“It’s true” Johnny replied.
“It’s part of the damn service!!! What do you want me to do dish them up some ice cream!? Dee Dee ain’t on that clown shit yo.”
“You should at least tell them what’s part of the service. That emaciated young man just got traumatized…probably”
“Yeah, Dee Dee looks like the most horrifying hooker of all time. Someone who wears platform heels in the shower clearly isn’t all there”
“Hey bozo, you don’t talk to my woman like that. I’m about to smack you as fuck right now” Johnny reved up his sleeve like he was throwing rope, but before he could do any damage, Michael walked into the bathroom to search for the cause of the house shaking. One of the windows broke and landed on Stewkey and Michael got scared asf. “OW! What’s going on in here? YEAHHHYEAH”
“Butt out, Michael! I’m about to fist fight these super freaks!” Thom said.
“Ok that’s really nice but when the fuck did I ask? I need some medical assistance. Stewkey is injured.”
“WHAT!?!?!?! THE STEWKSTER!?!?!?!??? I’M COMIN’ STEW!!!” Thom ran out of the bathroom and into Stewkey’s room as fast as he could.
“Wuhappen” Stewkey said, digging for a lighter.
“Where’s the glass pieces Bob!?”
Stewkey shot back into consiousness with that one word. “Oh hey, the window broke.” Stewkey’s fist ended up in Thom’s face. “DON’T CALL ME BOB AGAIN. MY DAD’S NAME WAS BOB YOU BITCH.”
“Dude, no time to argue about this! Todd just walked out of the house butt booty naked and this shower prostitute is touching people! And they’re the reason you’re gonna fucking die from glass getting in your goddam skin Bo- I mean Stewkey!”
“Bruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh, I don’t care” he went back to sleep. “Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaw” he snored.
Thom was panicking shitless cause the Stewkster obviously had a pretty big cut on his arm from the glass. And the entire window was still on the dude. “WAKE THE FUCK UP” Thom said, dragging Stewkey out of bed. He ran back into the bathroom to get some bandages and wrapped the bro up. He grabs the bandage wrap and vaseline from his secret stash okay and he wraps the stewkey man up with it.
“Stewkey, if you die, I’m gonna fucking kill you.” He starts slapping Stewkey across the face repeatedly, each slap being responded to with a “nawwe” snore
Thom starts getting a little bit teary eyed, but that’s also because the glass was getting in his hand.
Carson’s car starts pulling up into the driveway. “Boy, I sure love my two roommates that aren’t Todd Rundgren. I hope they got a good and restful night’s sleep with me away. Would sure be a shame if Tod- wait, why is the window broken?” He stops the car and forgets to put it in park. It rolled down the driveway and caused a tiny fire that eventually became a big one that Todd had to put out because it was in his doghouse. Carson flung open the door and felt the vibrations of the annoying ass music Dee Dee and Johnny were playing. Absolutely fucking annoying music.
Carson locates the noise and finds Dee Dee and Johnny arguing over the loud as balls music, Michael in the corner of the bathroom making more strange sounds, then Thom and Stewkey laying in the hallway while Stewkey bleeds out.
“Who are you people?” Carson says.
“I’m Dee Dee Kink.” He shook Carson’s hand really aggressively. “Got any K?”
Carson looks over at this pale as fuck dude. “You’re dressed sharp, what’s your name?”
“Johnny Thunders. They call me Thunder cause my farts are so loud.” Johnny stopped the handshake mid sentence and just grabbed onto Carson’s hand for ten seconds.
“Hmmmm… this seems like breaking and entering hmmmm???” Carson said smugly.
“tHiS SeEmS LiKe BrEaKiNg AnD EnTeRiNg HmMmMm???” Dee Dee mocked.
“Naawwee, Dee Dee actually bought the property rights for this shower. This isn’t your shower.”
“Who said so?? Where’s your papers?” Carson asked.
“That little bitch boy of yours who goes by Todd Rundgren traded us this shower for five dusty dollars. He got booty touched by me as a favor.”
“TODD WAS IN THE HOUSE!?” Carson was as angry as he could physically show, Which wasn’t really that much.“Yeah, don’t talk to him right now though I think I traumatized him by accident.”
“TODD WAS IN THE HOUSE!?!?!?!? THAT RAT!”
“Yeah?” Johnny said, increasingly confused.
“TODD WAS BREAKING AND ENTERING. HE WAS DEMOTED TO OUTSIDE. I EVEN DREW HIM A LITTLE PICTURE.”
“How the fuck were we supposed to know though” Johnny said.
“Did we even ask though” Michael said to Carson.
“Who the fuck are you in this conversation?” Johnny said to Michael Jackson.
“I’m the smooth criminal! OW!” Michael then moonwalked out of the room. He was kinda tired that night and Carson shut the music off so
“You own this bathroom… you two just shook hands with Todd… for five dollars” Carson said.
“No we didn’t shake hands, I just kind of implied it nonverbally” Johnny said.
“So you’re telling me you scammed Todd?”
“Yeah, kinda nice living in a bathroom ig” Johnny said.
Carson was flabbergasted. “Again, WHO are you people?”
“Didn’t we make it clear enough?? I’m Johnny Kink, and this is my girl Dee Dee Thunders. Dee Dee gets called Thunders because I’m afraid of toasters. It’s simple.”
“Ohhhhhh now I get it. How did you guys get here though??”
Johnny and Dee Dee looked at each other then shrugged. “The door.”
Carson looked out from the shattered bathroom window to find one very large ladder, two crowbars, five axes, fifteen matches, and twenty lighters outside in the grass.
Seeing the shit outside the window fueled Carson with this rage in his heart. He had reached his final straw.
Carson said sternly, with a little purpose in his voice “get out”
“Naw this is our bathroom, the officical Todd Rundgren agrees. He gets really big in the future but he’s just as annoying now” Johnny said.
“Oh yeah, cause you guys are time travellers and all” Carson said.
“Yep, can you guys leave now?”
“Nah.”
“Okay.” Carson exited the bathroom and went onto his next problem. The bleeding Stewkey on the floor…

Chapter 9: A lack of Stewkey

Chapter by areasell

Summary:

Stewkey takes a vacation in the north, while the nazz gang try to record some music during his absence

Notes:

In memory of 𝐑𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐫𝐭 "𝐒𝐭𝐞𝐰𝐤𝐞𝐲" 𝐀𝐧𝐭𝐨𝐧𝐢, a main character in this fic.
𝐍𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐦𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟏𝟕𝐭𝐡, 𝟏𝟗𝟒𝟕-𝐎𝐜𝐭𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝟖𝐭𝐡, 𝟐𝟎𝟐𝟑
Stewkey had been an amazing inspiration for both of us, and we could never ask for another Stewkey.
made by writer areasell

It was the beginning of October. A cold wind passed over downtown Philadelphia on a regular Sunday afternoon. A sense of calmness was swept over the nazz house’s humble abode; Carson was in the kitchen cooking, Todd was invited inside for his pristine behavior the days prior, Thom was working on origami, Dee Dee and Johnny enjoyed a sweet martini together in their small bathroom after they signed a contract made my Carson to leave them alone in exchange for a portable and waterproof disco ball, Michael cleaned the living room, and …..
Our lad Stewkey had gone off up north for a weekend of Spiritual awakening. This was the third day of his journey, and he was enjoying a nice moment by a stream in the tiadaghton state forest, large muskie fish going about their way. Stewkey was on the lookout for one to take home for the nazz family to enjoy together the upcoming week when he returned. His small tent was perched around 15 feet away. While Stewkey fished, he listened in to his surroundings; the murmur of the river water, the chirping of birds and the coo of a mourning dove, the rustle of the tall trees. Stewkey was content. Stewkey was glad that he had the opportunity to get away from everyday nazz house life and just…think. Think about life. Think about fish. Think about nature.
Meanwhile at home, Carson readied a large load of hashbrowns and eggs for Todd, Thom, and Michael. “Say, Todd…” Carson started, flipping the eggs. “We haven’t had a jam sesh in a while, have we?”
“Nah man, we haven't,” Todd said, sprawled onto the sofa and watching the newest episode of Julia, “Homework isn’t Housework”, on their small black-and-white box TV. “The shop said they’d get my guitar fixed by 11. How about we go get it later and jam at the studio? Maybe try to record a song?”
“Yeah, that’d be nice for a change.” Carson closed his eyes and took a whiff of the eggs. “Maybe go upstairs and make sure he’s interested as well.”
“I don’t want to miss Julia though!” Todd whined. “If Stewkey was here, he could get him for us.”
“Yeah, but he isn’t. He’s up in the forest until tomorrow morning. You know that.”
Todd gave an angry look. “You go get him when dinner’s done. I’m not missing my shit.”
Carson sighed, trying to keep his temper under wraps. This is simply how Todd was sometimes. Stubborn. Though, with the stubborn moments came moments of expert musicianship which saved nazz countless times on their records. Todd brought the ideas to the table. Todd had that keen ear. He suddenly remembered Michael was also in the room, watching Julia with Todd. “Oh Michael,” Carson said with a strangely surprised voice, “Can you get Thom down from upstairs for me?”
“No problem…YEAAAYEA” Michael got up and stood on his tiptoes for a moment before getting Thom. Carson found Michael’s strange moves a little unsettling, but this is simply how Michael was conditioned. Michael walked past the bathroom which quietly played the unchained melody by the righteous brothers, and entered Thom’s room, where he was, accompanied by 15 or so cranes.
“Hey, Thom!” Michael said, energetically. “Breakfast’s almost done. Carson also wanted to say something, so, come down and hang!”
Thom grumbled for a moment, adjusting the wings of his newest made crane. “Can you just tell them I’m busy?” Thom had seemed more down in the dumps than usual, and everyone in the house knew oragami was a way of Thom keeping these low moments under control. The times Stewkey had to go away for miscellaneous reasons always depressed Thom. Stewkey was his friend. His ally. Stewkey understood him, and when he wasn’t around, it felt like nobody understood. Thom felt isolated, and no romantic country melody or upbeat jazz tune could fix the emptiness that he felt in the moment.
“Come on, man. Carson isn’t gonna admit it, but he wants you to eat and he sees you’re not eating. You should go down before Carson comes up and has a talk with you, man!” Michael put his arm up against the doorframe, doing a slight pose.
Thom crushed his origami figure and got off of his bed, walking out and down the stairs to the living room and kitchen. His dark brown-almost black-hair swayed back as he walked.
As Carson finished cooking dinner, he set the plates out in front of Todd in the living room and placed the hashbrowns and eggs on three separate plates. Thom got to the end of the stairs and saw Todd and Carson planted on the couch with plates in their laps. “Thom!” Carson said in a welcoming tone, patting the empty cushion of couch between him and Todd. “Come sit here. Julia’s on, don’t you love Julia?”
“I ain’t in the mood for that show…” Thom replied, yet walked over and sat down anyway, taking the plate of warm breakfast made for him and starting to stab his fork at it.
As Carson finished cooking dinner, he set the plates out in front of Todd in the living room and placed the hashbrowns and eggs on three separate plates.
“Hm…” Carson sighed, looking at the TV. “Maybe we can watch something else when this episode ends. Cartoons should be on this early. My favorite!” Carson planted a fork full of over-easy eggs into his mouth, watching as the two boys of the show talk to each other. “Damn, those boys are almost yelling at each other!”
“Not in the mood for mash either…” Thom grumbled, feeling for the pack of cigarettes in his back pocket. “I think I’m gonna go smoke.”
As Thom put his untouched-only stabbed at-plate of breakfast on the coffee table, Carson reached for his arm. “Wait…I need to tell you something.”
Thom turned back to face Carson, giving him an unamused expression.
“Todd and I were gonna go downtown to the instrument shop to pick up his guitar then head over to the local studio place and test some recordings. It isn’t no I.D. Hollywood, but…”
“Without Stewkey?” Thom asked, seeming slightly more upset than before. Carson caught on quick.
“Stewkey would’ve wanted us to come together any time. He’d be happy we’re just making music together, yeah?”
“Yeah yeah, I’ll go. Whatever the fuck…”
Thom walked out onto the porch and closed the front door. Carson looked down for a moment before continuing to eat. Stewkey really shouldn’t be affecting his mood like it does… he thought, pushing his fork into hash browns now. Maybe the smoking’s what’s making him give in to that old depression bug…he should stop the newports and focus on some therapy…
The nazz house finished up their breakfast and Michael cleaned it up while Carson, Todd, and Thom loaded up their family car with the music equipment that they had and got in, riding off for downtown. Todd went in and got his black les paul custom from the instrument shop that he had dropped it off at, and they were headed off to the new sigma sound studios. It was nice of Joseph to let them in even though they had very limited affiliation. Carson and Todd plugged in their bass and guitar respectfully, while Thom stood at his drum kit. Carson and Todd fingered at their instruments for a while for a warm up, while Thom dazed off…contemplating…because that’s what Thom did best. Or at least that’s what he thought he did best.
“Alright, let’s get a groove in here. How about let’s try ‘In Dreams’.” Carson said, tuning the D-chord on his bass a hair higher. “I know Stewkey’s the one to normally sing this one, but do you wanna sing lead, Todd?”
Todd nodded and adjusted his guitar strap, plucking out the tune to the song quickly before they started. They started to play, and Todd started to squawk out the sung words; “I close my eyes….then I drift away…”
Carson stopped the jam abruptly, waving the two musicians down. “I don’t think your voice is fit for this one, man…”
Todd took great offense to this remark, and lashed out at Carson. “You shut your mouth! My voice is fit for any damn song!”
“Any damn song in the church choir.” Thom said with a deep laugh.
“You shut up, Thom!” Todd yelled, pointing at the man. “I’ll fire both of your asses and go solo and sing any damn song I fuckin’ want to my crowd of fans!” Todd stomped. “Stewkey’s not the only one in this shitshow who can sing!”
“Calm down, To-”
“You wanna have at it, Carson?” Todd roared. “We’ll see who gets the fuckin’ doghouse tonight! I’m tired of you all making fun of me and treating me like shit!”
“I’ve treated you like a brother this entire time Todd.” Carson argued back. “You’ve been in sticky situations time and time again with money, girls, whatever you can name and I have been there to rescue your ass.”
“Name one! Name one fuckin’ time!” Todd fumed, heading towards the exit of the studio. “I’m tired of being made fun of in a band I FORMED!”
“You remember Lucy?” Carson shouted before Todd slammed the door and walked outside to calm down. Carson let out another sigh and looked at Thom, who was looking down, trying to contain his anger and tears. “You good, Thom?”
“Bob…” Thom sighed under his breath. “If Robert were here, he would’ve calmed him down…”
“Hey…” Carson went over to Thom and put his hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “I don’t think Stewkey could’ve done”
“He could’ve!” Thom said, somewhat yelling, but not quite loud enough to really be considered a yell. “If Bob were here, he could’ve just talked Todd out of it, maybe give them a song they could differentiate on with the main lyrics, and we’d be jamming right now… why did Bob need to go up to the forest? Why did he need to leave me!?” Thom whined, putting his face in his hands.
Carson looked at him with a solemn expression. He knew what he said about what Stewkey would’ve done was true. There’s no arguing about that. “You know Stewkey needs his outdoor time once in a while…maybe next time he goes up to the forest you can ask to tag along?”
Thom didn’t respond, continuing to sulk. Stewkey’s absence was really a personal loss for Thom every time he went… like Stewkey had actually died. Thom always felt a loss so deep that his heart felt like Stewkey wouldn’t return. Carson continued to keep his hand on his shoulder and let him sulk for a few minutes. The words that Thom uttered about Stewkey’s solution kept on Carson’s mind.
“You know, we really don’t think about it, but Stew really is a fundamental member of the band…” Carson looked down. “I don’t think we can really sustain a recording session without the guy. Isn’t that weird?”
Thom sighed. “That’s what I’ve been thinking..”
“Todd really isn’t that much of a singer…” Carson chuckled. “I mean, Donald Duck could sing better than him on some days!”
Thom and Carson laughed for a moment, and Thom sat up straight. “Yeah…we shouldn’t diss him. He’d slash our paychecks in whole! Like some slave labor type shit!”
Carson and Thom laughed louder, and hugged for a moment. As they embraced, Todd walked back in and saw them. “Hey…” he said, closing the door.
The bassist and drummer looked over at Todd and stared at him until he spoke again. “I’m sorry for getting so angry earlier. Y’know, Stewkey’s absence has really been affecting me…he took all my grass.”
Carson gave Todd a motherly look. “You know you shouldn’t be doing weed. It’s bad for you.”
“Do you really want to see me getting pissed more?” Todd chuckled, grabbing a chair and sitting in it the wrong way.
“I think we should go.” Carson sai while Thom got up from his drumkit. “A jam sesh just isn’t gonna be the best without Stew on the ‘board…”
Todd nodded his head and they all walked out and onto the street. “Hey, how ‘bout I drive?” Todd said with a devious grin.
“No!” Thom and Carson both said in unison, both for different reasons. They all laughed and return home to a surprisingly clean living room and kitchen area, courtesy of the amazing Michael Jackson.

 

As night dawned over Philly, Thom was up, yet again in depressed spirits. He got out his origami papers and picked out a bright yellow piece. He started to fold it into a small crane.
I’m naming this one Stewkey he said before putting it on his nightstand, then putting the origami papers under his bed and turning off his bedroom light, going to sleep.

Just as midnight hit, Stewkey was out on the river, night fishing. He was starting to doze off while waiting for a line, when it finally hit. He woke up quickly and grasped at the fishing rod, reeling and reeling...bringing in a large muskie, about 20 pounds and 41 inches.
"Dang, dude! That's a doozie!" Stewkey told himself, bringing in the large fish. "This'll definitely feed the fam!"
He brought the large fish over to his fishing bucket and dropped it in, wiping sweat from his brow over the sudden enounter. "I'm gonna name this fish.....Bean."

Chapter 10: Todd Sucks: A Short Story

Chapter by kms8134

Summary:

Long-ass fanfic for Stewkey, who passed away recently.

Album season is intense. Todd is a control freak. Each time the Nazz boys plan to release their next elpee, Todd makes it his duty to create a rigid schedule for the boys. Perhaps that’s the only thing he’s good at. Perhaps that’s why he’s let out of the dog kennel.
“GUYS, COME DOWN. I NEED TO SEE WHAT YOU GOT,” Todd said, placing his lyrics down on the kitchen table.
A yell came from upstairs. “HOLD YOUR HORSES, HOLD ON.” Thom was scribbling down the last of his lyrics before Todd would, just as last time, forcibly detain him in his room for several days because he didn’t come down on time. 2 PM. That’s the time Thom has written on his calendar about twenty times so he wouldn’t forget. Last time this happened, Todd took songwriting credit for all his lyrics, which actually happens pretty often around these parts.
“1:58 BOYS. BE HERE OR BE DETAINED.”
Carson practically flew down the stairs, crushing his papers by his grip. He was practically getting flashbacks from the chair incident (he doesn’t wanna talk about it) so he rushed down as if Todd was the one throwing the dining chair down the stairs again (he doesn’t wanna talk about it).
“Todd. I’m here.” Carson said.
“Sit down or you’ll be late. Sorry I don’t make the rules,” Todd said.
“Okay.” He sat down, straightening each page with a flat palm.
A guttural scream came from upstairs. “TOOOOOOOODDDD. EUUUUUGH.” Carson looked mildly disturbed, but this put a lovely smile on Todd’s face.
“Hey Thom, you have twenty seconds,” Todd said, not checking his watch.
“AHHHHHHHHHH.”
Soon, Thom jumped from down the stairs and cut a corner to sit right next to Carson. He was panting heavily and dazed, as if someone cut the blood off to his brain and he was seeing black.
Todd calmly pulled back his chair and scoot his way in.
“Alright guys. Uh, we’re all on time and I see we’ve all put in the work. Good. Too bad I’m gonna have to pick only one song for today, next week we’re gonna go through the same procedure again. So an update on the album title, uh I haven’t decided yet actually. We might have to go with Led Zeppelin II. Let me know if you guys think of anything better.”
“Uh, Todd,” Thom said, “what about Nazz II.”
“No, that’s stupid Thom. Why would we do that.”
Todd began massaging his temples very intensely, like he was either focusing really hard on brewing an idea or having a meltdown.
“Aha!” Todd exclaimed. “What about Nazz Nazz?”
Thom and Carson looked at him blankly.
“Okay, we’ll do Nazz Nazz,” Carson said.
“Good. Good. Now let’s see what you’ve written this week. Thom?”
Thom shuffled the lyrics in his hands.
“Well, I’ve written only 3 songs this week, and they’re not all finished but it’s what I have. They’re, let’s say, a bit Country and Western.”
Todd grabbed a page for himself and began silently reading.
“Yes, a vision of the old west. Very much Americana. It’s awful,” Todd said.
Thom furrowed his brows and got defensive. “What?”
“You see, no one wants to listen to USA crap like this. If you’ve kept your ears open for the last decade, we have to write about the Queen smoking America. Don’t the Beatles mean anything to you??”
Thom rolled his eyes. “I see where you’re coming from, but these are genuinely good lyrics. Just take a look at them.”
“Thom, this is pornography. I don’t think anyone’s gonna want to listen to anal metaphors in a general old western context. I mean the radio producers more than I do the listeners, Thom.”
Thom frowned. “Stewkey would’ve liked my song.”
“Yeah well you better learn to write like him as well.”
Thom was flabbergasted. “Is that why you never call on Stewkey to come to these meetings? So you could penalize him and steal his lyrics while he’s off that boof?”
Todd just looked at Thom. He thought he would never figure that out because he’s dumb as hell.
“Meeting dismissed, I’m putting my song on the album this week because all your lyrics suck balls. Goodbye.”
Carson looked at Todd with disgust. He walked out the door, carrying the keys to his paint barn.
“Man, I haven’t heard from Stewkey all morning. I hope he isn’t having a bad boof or anything.” Todd walks up the stairs, knocking gently on the door.
“Stew?? Hello?,” he continues knocking. Todd opens the door. No sight of Stewkey or Michael Jackson.
“Okay, that’s odd.”
Todd opens Stewkey’s lyrics and boof drawer, which Todd visits every week. Inside the drawer, only a note remains. All of the boof is gone.
Todd picks up the note and reads, “Dear Randy. I’ve decided to leave for a while with Martin to finally follow our harts. We are sick of you stealing my talents. Marty said it reminded him of his father. Then he talked about a band he was in as a kid which was hella cool. Anyways I’m not gonna let you steal my lyrics ever again, and I have left them all in an undisclosed location. Stew out.”
Todd put the note down and stared at the wall in disbelief. “Randy?”
After looking around in Stewkey’s room for about a half an hour quite frantically, he left for his own room, leaving Stew’s door shut and locking his room up.

The next morning was quite bleak, with Carson and Thom eating cereal in complete silence.
“Hey Thom,” Carson said.
“Yeah?”
“Don’t you think this cereal kinda… tastes like shit?”
“Yeah.”
“Man, I think it’s cause I miss Stewkey. The morning boof sessions really made this poo flavored shit taste like the finest of cardboard.”
“Yeah.”
“I hope he comes out of his room soon, Todd said it might take a while before he comes out of his bad boof.”
Thom laughed. “This is the one time Todd hasn’t been a complete asshole to everyone. Maybe we should let him back in the house agai—“
“No.” Carson continued eating his cereal.

“Hello my Nazz house brothers,” Todd said, entering the room.
Carson and Thom did not acknowledge him.
“Stew needs your help,” Todd replied.
“What does he need??” Thom sprung up.
There was a slight look of evil in Todd’s eye when he realized the extent of Thom’s desperation.
“There’s been something Stew’s been hiding from you, Thom,” Todd stated.
“The reason why Stew’s been in a bad boof for so long is because, well, he said he lost something important. Something he’d been working on for months. Something that he put his heart and soul into. He told me today he was writing it for someone he loved, but who he couldn’t admit it to.”
Thom’s eyes widened like he just saw God.
“WHERE??” Thom began shaking fiercely with nervous excitement. Could this be it? Is Stew finally confessing his undying love for Thom? Is he going to say that he’s been dying to taste Thom’s lips since the moment he laid eyes on him? Yum!
“Well Thom, it’s not gonna be easy, but I believe he wrote a series of lyrics for this person. He wrote a lot. If you find these papers, give them to me and I’ll tell Stew. He’ll be dying to know that you did all that for him.”
This feeling of being needed by Stewkey intoxicated Thom. He was willing to go above and beyond the stars for him! Now, where to look first…
Carson looked at Todd with an irritated scowl.
“You can help me if you want too.”
“You mean, help Stewkey? Help Thom?” Carson said.
“Uh yeah them too,” Todd left the kitchen ASAP.
Thom was frantically looking though every crevice of the house just to find these lyrics. Undying love is fueling Thom and making him go ballistic asf. He misses Stew even though he is only locked up in his room.
“Wait,” Thom said. “What if Todd didn’t check Stew’s room good enough, I mean why am I not allowed in there?” Thom was getting real suspicious. He walked up the stairs to knock on Stew’s door, finally getting to talk to him after days of no contact.
“Stttttteeewwwkey my poookie! Where art thou been?”
No reply.
“Come on, let me in. I need to find something, I think I left something in there. You don’t have to look btw.”
No reply.
“NOOOOOOO!” Todd yelled, pushing Thom off his feet and literally jumping into him.
“What the hell Todd?” Thom asked.
“Stew doesn’t wanna see you! He doesn’t wanna!”
“Of course he does, that’s why he wrote thos— uh I mean he wants me to look for them.”
“No, I want you to find them for Stewkey. He doesn’t know you’re looking for them.”
“Can’t I just—“
“NOOO.”
Thom literally wrested Todd for the key to Stewkey’s room.
“I NEED TO SEE HIM!!” Once he obtained the key, he opened his door to find no one there.
“What? Where’s Stew?” Thom asked Todd.
“Fuuuck fine, you were right Thom. Stew isn’t here. He’s actually left with Michael for god knows how long. I need his SOMGS!!! I'm actually illiterate and steal all his songs because I don’t have an original bone in my body Thom you don’t understand!!”
Thom was flabbergasted, as he usually is with Todd cause he’s such a terrible person.
“Todd, you need to bring Stew back. He is the backbone of this household, the backbone of Nazz, and you’re just an illiterate control freak.”
Todd said nothing. Thom pointed to Stew’s drawer, not saying a word back. Todd sighed. He then opened Stew’s drawer, picked up his dog collar, put it around his neck, and walked outside. He was on all fours.

Chapter 11: AEUREURRWREIRWREIREI pt. 1

Summary:

Carson files the restraining orders when Jeffrey of Fuckbitchesgetmoneyville and his royal pimp, The Green Goblin of Queens, drop their UFO down onto Todd's doghouse, searching for the lymph of a virgin boy. Carson is convinced the rapture is here.

Carson cleared his desk from the paint cans and sat down next to a restraining order paper, whiffing at the paint cans for inspo before writing a lengthy note. He dipped his pen into one of the cans.
“Dee Dee, you fat bitch,” Carson began.
“Jhonny, you ghostly fuck,” Carson continued.
“This is my restraining order. I hope you can read it, but the stupid bitch smell might’ve affected your brain and your thinking capacity,” Carson wrote as he took another whiff of paint.
“GAH DAMN,” he yelled out loud.
“These words may not be kind, nor intelligent, but I need you to get the fuck out immediately. Frankly, I do not know why you are here because I haven’t seen you at Channel Home Centers ever, so I know you can’t be trusted. Yeah.” Carson licked the paint from off the pen and put the cap on it. “MMM, dessert,” he savoured the taste, as he has reached his daily limit before definite overdose.
He looked at his paint cans seductively, “I’ll see you next week, sexy,” he winked, before picking up the note somewhat flicked with white paint as he stomped to the bathroom, kicking it open cause it was locked.
Dee Dee screeched and covered himself. “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOIN’ IN MY BATHROOM” Dee Dee yelled. Johnny jumped in front of him to cover him “Hey, $2!”
“I’m not here to seek your services, you hunky harlot, woman of the hour, lady of the evening, you… you hooker!”
“Hey don’t insult my lady like that you fucking junkie, I’ll give you something to call a hooker over,” he lassos his big purple sleeve, threatening to whip him.
“Johnny no, they don’t do that in Hamburg, yo. German kids keep their hands to themselves, yo,” Dee Dee confines Johnny, pulling at his arm. Carson looks at the two of them completely unthreatened and unamused. He holds out the restraining order papers and note.
“Annnyyyywayyysss,” Carson starts, “these are some important documents you’ll need to sign here.”
Johnny and Dee Dee look at each other. “Why do we need to sign language to you?”
“Not sign language, you idiots! Sign it! With a pen!” Carson holds a pen out for Johnny, and Johnny tries to hold it, but his suit sleeves are too fat and he’s unwilling to roll them up.
“Aw shit, my bad, these sleeves are only good for one thing,” he says as his sleeves fall all over the bathroom floor, collecting pubic hairs etc.
“Okay, well the husband has to sign these documents, and from what I can see here,” he glances at them both, “there is a little problem.”
Dee Dee smacks his lips and says, “I dunno, that’s a buuulshit rule, yo. Everyone’s treated equally in Germany, yo, read the history books.”
Carson is baffled. “You’ve never heard of the Holocaust?”
“The Hall of Costs? Am I hearing this correctly? Yeah German kid, I get some great deals with my membership card. I get rotisserie for $1.99 and they never raise the price, yo. You never get those deals up in Queens or Yonkers, yo THEY NEVA lower that price.”
“No, I think you’re talking about Costco,” Johnny said, “The hall of costs is where you go to withdraw money. And you can get a credit card and get anything you want. It’s like Costco but they give you free money if you wear a mask n stuff.”
“Really?” Dee Dee said. “I hope they let me bring my firearm and switchblades, yo. It’s getting kinda cold out, I need a place to store my firearms, if you’re cold, they’re cold…” Dee Dee gives a very sad expression. “I mean… I don’t have any firearms outside next to the very tall ladder leading up into this bathroom!”
Carson gasped and went to the bathroom window and looked down, seeing all of it. “WHAT THE FU-”
“-N TIMES IN THE SHOWER FOR ONLY $5!” Johnny interrupted, motioning Dee Dee into the shower.
“Get back on topic!” Carson yelled, getting more enraged. “You will sign these restraining orders NOW and read my note NOW, or you’ll see a Carson like never before… the Carson only the cashier at Channel Home Centers sees when there’s no white paint left!”
Johnny looked completely unphased. “Well I can’t cause my sleeves are too long. Dee Dee can’t either cuz she’s illiterate. We’re all just asking you to drop this one, Carson. I mean, I’ve never seen Todd so passionate and so in-tune with himself, and I bring that out in him. And I-mean-I-mean-I-mean, Carson, I’m sure I bring something out in you, right? I’m sure I’m an outlet for your negative energy, and it feels so good to let it out,” Johnny starts massaging Carson’s shoulders. Carson looks at him with disgust and jerks away.
“Get the hecking heck away from me!” Carson yells, backing up against the wall. “I don’t want to get AIDS over your damn sleeves!” Carson shivers, thinking about AIDS…and the homosexuals… taking a sharp glance over at Dee Dee and squinting. “I know a homo when I see one.”
Suddenly there was a flash of light outside. All three guys looked out the window and saw a UFO…going across the sky and crashing into Todd’s doghouse. A yelp could be heard.
“Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick!” Carson yelled at the incident. “Oh heavens to Betsy! Oh my lanta! Crud muffins! Oh my ging-ging! Cheese and rice! Oh my aching tentacles! Son of a nice person! Cheesus crust! What the flippin’ flop!”
While Carson said the worst curse words imaginable, an anonymous man came out of the spaceship, wielding a strange green glow. He twitched inhumanly as he stared at the newly injured Todd, crutching his Kizuna AI body pillow. He spoke in an otherworldly language before a beacon of light shone from the heavens and he ascended.
“It’s the flippin’ rapture!” Carson shrieked, hiding under the toilet. “I’m sorry for putting my dick in the paint can that one time! I’m sorry, God!!! I’m so sorry!!!!”
The beacon of light appeared again after a moment, and the green entity descended downwards again with a hot looking guy with black hair and a white tie.
“Euwaiwraieuawraiarwrrarei” the green man said, twitching violently and staring into Todd’s soul.
“Hello. I am Jeffrey…” the handsome harlot man said, holding the green man in place. “I come from the planet bimbohoelandia. This is my travelling companion, my pimp as we say on bimbohoelandia, the green goblin.”
“Areurwraierureiaiwrrrerai” the green goblin hissed.
“Sorry for bad english…” Jeffrey said, “He says….we require fuckin uhhhhh….lymph.”
“What the heck man…” Todd said. “I mean, Carson’s room is the first door to your left after you get up the stairs.”
Green Gobin waddles his tiny legs across the lawn, doing the John Lennon stanky leg because he’s been on earth for two minutes and is adjusting to earth’s gravity. Jeffrey steps away from Todd and facing the house, he just stares at it. Todd wanted to ask if he was okay, but this dude literally destroyed his only home so he doesn’t give two shits about him.
“AH!” Carson shrieked, “The aliens are invading! This is God's punishment! I can’t be seen with two homosexuals!”
The Green Goblin turned back. “Areie.”
“Yes, Green Goblin?” Jeffrey snapped out of his trance and sprinted towards the green man.
“Areieuareireughawieuwarewiareieuareireughawieuwarewieie.”
Jeffrey and the Green Goblin entered the house effortlessly, since locks didn’t work on their alien planet. On Bimbohoelandia, the himbos just couldn’t be locked out, so they always got in. Jeffrey started to sniff around the house, detecting the strongest lymph deposits. His nose took him upstairs and to the room right in front of him. He opened it to see a Carson screaming for his life. “DON’T TOUCH ME FOWL DEMON-MAN-WHORE!!!” he put his index fingers into a cross. “I REMAIN SANCTIFIED BY THE POWER OF THE FATHER, THE SON, AND THE HOL-”
“Ieiureiaieiruweiurei” the green goblin said, unamused. Carson leaped out of his shorts.
“I am Jeffrey of Fuckbitchesgetmoneyville, and this is my pimp, The Green Goblin of Queens. You have good lymph deposit, hmmm?”
“My lymph belongs to God!” Carson said, hugging the shower head.
“Oh, God of Margaritaville, RIP Jimmy Buffett man, he has stayed on bimbohoelandia for holiday. We take you to him?”
“No! I don’t wanna die!” Carson cried. The green goblin gave him a haunting look. “Auerurueuiewrerwreiarrei!!!” he said, highly offended and twitching more. Jeffrey tried to calm him down.
“You said this green bitch was your pimp?” Johnny said, “the fuck type of pimp got a raggedy ass suit like that? Aaaaaaahhhh.” Johnny slapped his knee laughing.
“Auerurueuiewrerwreiarrei” the Green Man got feisty. Johnny tries to assert his dominance by whipping him with his big purple sleeve, but the Green Goblin was made of this metal-like material, so Johnny with full force got whiplashed into the bathtub.
“Yo yo Johnny, this Green Man shouldn’t be messed with. I saw something like this in Berlin, only the Green Goblin was this fool strapped to an explosive,” Dee Dee said from the shower.
“You.” Jeffrey said. “You have job like me. You sell body to get item. Yes?”
“Well…you need $5 to get that answer.” Dee Dee attempted to wink cutely at Jeff. Jeffrey only scowled.
“Well, I pay $105 for a word!” Jeffrey said, crossing his arms.
“With what money, space kid?” Dee Dee said, puzzled.
Jeffrey reached into his pocket, where he proceeded to pull out his wallet, which included $500,000 dollars in cash.
Dee Dee had stars in his eyes.

Chapter 12: AEUREURRWREIRWREIREI pt. 2

Notes:

Some notes needed for the chapter:
Updog is slang in bimbowhorelandia for lead. "What's updog?" is a serious slur in bimbowhorelandia. Saying this can get you up to 5 years in the whore house as it is a major sign of disrespect and in some districts sexual assault. You are eligible to be hung in the streets for saying this.

“GIVE ME THAT MONEY” Dee Dee said, breakdancing into Jeffrey’s arms. Seriously what is he doing. Jeffrey holds the money out of his reach, not moving an inch. “You want money?”
“I’LL DO ANYTHING FOR THAT STACK, GERMAN KID” He had a very needy look in his eye.
“Give me your lymph. I smell your lymph deposits, Dee Dee Ramone.”
Dee Dee is shellshocked. “HOW DO YOU KNOW MY GOVERNMENT NAME? Everyone knows me as Dee Dee, and maybe if you’re friendly, you’ll know me as Dee Dee Schtinkhausen Kink!”
“Your lymph told me” Jeffrey responded, “It speaks many volumes. I knew your mother.”
Dee Dee starts sobbing really heavily, falling to his knees in the tub. “HOW DO YOU KNOW MY MOTHER? I WAS ORPHANED IN BERLIN.”
“Your mother,” Jeffrey said robotically, “she invented lead in paint. I…well….I did some things.” Jeffrey admitted.
Carson begins sobbing on the toilet. “What are you guys even talking about?” He put his hands over his eyes and began choking on his tears and boogers.
“HEEEEEHHH” Johnny blurted out, “you’re old as shit AND a homewrecker.”
Jefferey gives Johnny a comically disturbed wide eyed stare and shuts him down just by one glance. “You’re next.”
“Uhhh….nuh uh.” Johnny replied. “You see that window? Your ass. HEHEHHHHHHHH.”
Jeffrey is staring so hard it looks like he’s tweaking. He turns to Dee Dee, batting his eyelashes and giving him the look of a real man whore. “Dee Dee, my beautiful flower, why do you settle for these low-quality beings, low in lymph, lacking a lymph-rich scent?” Dee Dee leans in to smell this on Johnny out of curiosity. He smells the scent of wet dog and nickels on an August afternoon. “Holy shit, Johnny. You smell like a damn parking meter that’s been pissed on for 50 years on a rainy afternoon” Dee Dee said, covering his nose.
“I’m sorry. I got really bad incontinence” Johnny said, hiding sad eyes behind his shades
“I thought you had that problem taken care of! You don’t wear the diapers I buy you? That’s expensive, yo, those Dollar Tree brands aren’t only made for babies, yo.”
“Pimps don’t wear diapers.” Johnny whispered, not wanting to talk about the issue in front of a bunch of people.
Jefferey interrupts. “Wow. With a man who can’t even control his urges. Sniff my finger. Now.”
Dee Dee grabs his hand and smells it. It smells like the best $1.99 Costco chicken known to a little German Boy in the Bronx. Dee Dee was in love.
“HOLLLYYYYYY THANKSGIVING Dee Dee says, “your skin, so buttery… your fingers… so salty…” Dee Dee starts hallucinating and starts seeing Jeffery as a huge rotisserie chicken. Woah that’s weird.
“Take me with you,” Dee Dee proclaimed. Greenie walks up to Carson, twitching and tweaking uncontrollably as he comes closer to Carson.
“EREURUERUGH.” Greenie says, sweating uncontrollably and extending his noodly arm toward Carson, as if to grab him.
“WHAT THE HECKING HECK” Carson runs out the door, screaming as if he was actually touched by a limping green alien. He ran out of the room and to his own, flipping open a paint can and sniffing it profusely. Anyways back in the bathroom. Dee Dee is absolutely hypnotised by Jeffrey. Johnny really isn’t happy about this. “GET AWAY FROM MY MANWIFE, YOU TWINKY. AHH. NO HOMO” Johnny said, stepping between them. Greenie grabbed him and pulled him aside. “Aewererewere” said Greenie, sternly. Johnny was flipping his shit. Jeffrey and Dee Dee were getting it on. It was like straight up unsettling. Johnny had to close his eyes.
Eventually, Jeffrey secretes a strong amount of chloroform from his alien equivalent of a bootyhole, causing Johnny and Dee Dee to pass the FUCK out. Greenie and Jeffrey are adapted to it though so they don’t. Greenie gets out a comically large syringe and hands it to Jeffrey.
“Aewewerererwererwre” Jeffrey said, which was alien for “Time to get our lymph the fuck on, Greenie!”
“Awehweweeweewere” Greenie said, which was alien for “I was tweaking the fuck out there, I think someone’s boofing updog in this house. It got me acting unwise in front of that dude who thinks we’re gonna kill him. He’s probably boofing updog.”
Jeffrey uses the syringe to take the lymph out of a now half naked Dee Dee, leaving him looking like a dehydrated gecko. He won’t look like that tho for long dw. He puts in wet microplastics and water from Todd’s food bowl that they stole before heading into the nazz home. “Aewrerwreer” Jeffrey snapped then sighed, which was alien for “This man-prostitute sure has a lot of lymph. Everyone in this house does, because of that stupid Christian, who can’t seal a paint can right.”
“Aweurereugh,” Greenie said, meaning, “He could make the whole house uh retrasada by leaving these cans open.”
Jeffrey takes some lymph from the syringe and squirts it into his mouth. He starts glowing a light yellow for a moment, his features becoming more feminine and attractive. “Aewere” Jeffrey said to Greenie, meaning “Take some. You look dehydrated.”
Greenie takes the large syringe into his mouth, his dark green complexion suddenly turning to a greenish yellow.
“ARERUGH” Jeffrey yelled, meaning, “SAVE SOME FOR ME BITCH.”
Greenie begins to look less like a raisin and more like uh oh plot twist Johnny Thunders. “EREHEEEGH. MMMMMMMMMHMMMMMM” he said, meaning, “GAHDAMN, THIS GUY HAS A LOT OF LYMPH IN HIM. MMMMMMMMMHMMMMMM.” He began to snap his fingers sassily and regain the youth in his yellow and grey skin. Not too far from the Johnny Thunders we know and love today. Not even a gulp could help poor Greenie. He began to shrivel up back into his dark green and irritable state. “Errerugh,” meaning, “Oh fuck.” The fast reaction to the lymph disappointed Jeffrey.
“Earererare” Jeffrey said, which meant “‘Let’s go find more lymph.” Jeffrey picked up Dee Dee and placed him in the bathtub, closing the shower curtain. He went to go steal Johnny’s lymph, but his wet dog and pennies smell was so bad that he couldn’t even go near him. Holy shit he smelled bad. He should be the one in the shower for once damn. They walked out of the room, looking for a new target. These alien men weren’t really accustomed to doors. They went to the door at the end of the hallway, Stewkey’s room, and walked into it, hitting their heads really hard. Stewkey heard the commotion and got up out of his weed-induced psychosis, opening the door.
“No need to hurt yourself over the boof maannnnnn” Stewkey said, looking at the two. “Oh damn green man, you’re really boofed up!”
“EREREEGH,” Greenie said. Jeffrey offered to translate. “You have uhhhhh fucking uh updog smoke here?”
Stewkey itched his skull, thinking really hard about what to say and how the fuck to process this situation right now.
“Uh guys, what’s updog? Is it a new strain of boof?”
They begin malfunctioning.
“YOU.” He points. “HOW YOU KNOW THAT. YOU NO UPDOG? WHO DO YOU KNOW?”
“Man, what’s updog? You guys are crazy talking about that BOOF, baby. I can’t calm you down, but I have more weed. Want some smoke?”
Jeffrey and Greenie almost immediately storm into the room, picking up Stewkey by the collar in a fit of rage and lymph-wanting. “Heyyyy man, no need to fight over it.”
Stewkey is promptly thrown onto his bed with a loud thump. Jeffrey very quickly hides his syringe in his booty crack, and begins releasing his chloroform, making Stewkey bookie AND bazookie, but not before an elongated “Nawwwwwwwweeeee”
Stewkey is then promptly massaged by Jeffrey, being checked for the amount of lymph in his armpits, neck, other places we will not name because uh things happened. Then the booty syringe was taken out and Stewkey’s lymph was sucked out, replaced by silicone, mulch, and crunched up worms found in Todd’s Kizuna AI body pillow. Oops. Stewkey was then put onto a coat hanger, a sign of disprespect for the people of bimbowhorelandia. They just couldn’t stand a guy that asked “what’s updog?” repulsive. asinine. Just can’t do it.
Jeffrey and Greenie share the lymph deposit again, Greenie turning back to his Johnny-like complexion of greys, greens, blacks, and yellows. His english returning to his brain. They walk out of the room, bumping into Johnny. Greenie walks ahead of Jeffrey.
“Toyotathon Genzale Thunders.” Greenie said in perfect english, startling Johnny. Johnny went to slap him with his giant ass sleeve, but Greenie stopped him.
“Good sir. You will die on April 23, 1991. Be careful!” Greenie spoke again in pristine english. Johnny was left flabbergasted, partly because he was staring at his doppleganger, only two inches shorter than him at 3’1”. Greenie’s effects with the lymph then died down, returning his green complexion and obsessive tweaking.
Johnny puts his sleeve over his mouth and looks like he’s contemplating something incredibly deep. “1991? That’s in 20 years from now. Wow, what does this mean for Toyotathon Genzale Thunders? Will this affect the Toyotathon sales?” Johnny became anxious, biting at his sleeve frantically.
Greenie becomes as frustrated and green as ever. He begins knawing on the carpets and on the walls, looking for updog chips on the floor and wall.
“Erereeugereaereraeaareregh” he said, meaning, “I sense a strong, sturdy lymph behind this door.” He gets hungrier and rattier than ever, clawing the door down with his dirty fingernails.
“Strong lymph? Behind door? You open for us, Toyotathon?”
“Hell no, I’m going Toyotathon.” He says, walking back to the bathroom, locking it.
The aliens begin to throw themselves at Carson’s door, hoping he was annoyed enough to open it for them.
“WHAT THE FLIP! OH DEAR BETTY WHITE AND WHITE BREAD. WHAT ARE YOU GAYS DOING AT MY DOOR? ARE YOU TRYING TO RECRUIT ME FOR YOUR GAY AGENDA.”
“No. Excellent lymph deposits. You must give. Greenie hungry.” Jeffrey said, bringing his hands closer to Carson, as if to grab him.
“NO,” he backs away. “KEEP YOUR HANDS AWAY FROM ME, EVERYONE IS IN LOVE WITH ME AND THEY ARE ALL MEN. MY WORST NIGHTMARE FROM AGE 5 IS COMING TRUE. I’M TIRED OF ALL THESE DARN HOMOSEXUALS.” Carson screamed, putting his hands on his head. “AND THEIR VIRUSES. ALL THE GAYS HAVE VIRUSES AND ALL THEIR VIRUSES COMBINED WILL KILL EVERY STRAIGHT PERSON AND CAUSE THE RAPTURE! I’M NOT JOKING JESUS TOLD ME! 😭 I’M LEAVING AND MAKING A STRAIGHT ONLY COMMUNE!” Carson tried to run out of the room but was grabbed by Jeffrey, but did a really bad backflip which scared them. He ran out of the house, never to be seen again. Jeffrey and Greenie investigated his paint cans, tweaking the fuck out. They begin getting really really high on the paint, to the point where Greenie and Jeff stop shaking for a bit and fall to the floor, sniffing that shit.
“Ereugh,” Jeffrey said, which meant “The man who owns these updog paint cans has super crazy lymph. We must find him to be free of our lymph desires on earth. But before that….” He looks down the hall and to Thom’s room.