Chapter Text
„It's all your fault.”
She stood in front of the bathroom mirror and grasped the sink with a shaky grip.
It had been a couple of days since her visit to the hospital where she had undergone treatment for her cancer. Bill's cruel voice in her head made her stomach twist in pain. He had visited her in the hospital weeks before, but just now did those hurtful words seem to fully sink in.
Not much of a surprise, since she seemed to deal with all her problems that way - bury them deep inside and don't let anyone in. But nothing could have prepared her for when those walls came crumbling down.
“How can you even sleep at night, knowing how much pain you are causing this family?”
When Bill had come to her, she had expected that he would visit her out of respect, as anyone would if they had found out that their sister was dying of cancer.
But that hope had been crushed when he had only tormented her by accusing her of all the things that had happened. She had taken it all in, perhaps too shocked, but probably too weak, considering the exhausting treatments she was going through.
She had been attacked by him at her most vulnerable.
“Has it ever occurred to you how much mom is suffering right now? She barely gets to see you, only when you're injured in the hospital or dying. But while you're searching for aliens with that spooky son of a bitch Mulder, she's worried sick for you."
She broke away from the mirror, not bearing to confront her sickly looking and tear-streamed face and let out a silent but gut-wrenching cry. Hugging herself she noticed only now that she had been digging her nails painfully into her forearm, almost to the point of bleeding.
You deserved that, she thought numbly and her breathing hitched.
"She has already lost a daughter because of you.”
She didn't even notice herself rummaging around in the bathroom cabinet until she came up with a box of razor blades, her hands shaking so much that she dropped them. In a white, hot panic she fell to the cold tile floor and took one of the shining blades into her trembling fingers.“
Melissa was killed because of you - because of the career you chose to pursue. You had a choice - now see where it has brought you.”
As the blade seared across the soft skin of her thighs, the loud and accusing voices were quieter for a moment. Her mind captured by the little droplets of blood forming along the cut.
You deserve that, she thought and went at it again, this time making deeper and angrier strokes.
“How can you think that dad would be proud of you? You have done nothing but ruined this family.”
Cut after cut appeared on her now bloodstained thighs, feeding into the anger and hatred she felt towards herself. It was soothing in a way, letting her bottled-up emotions spill out and her mind being occupied by the pain. When she let the blade fall to the tile floor, a calming sense of bliss filled her mind, the riveting thoughts gone for just a moment.
As a doctor, she knew that this was the adrenaline her brain was dispensing. That welcoming daze would be short-lived though. Just like drugs, that short feeling of relief would wash away.
Still, she couldn't help herself as a gut-wrenching feeling of guilt swept over her as she observed her severely bloodstained thighs.
“It's all your fault.”
***
Scully woke up the next morning with a sore neck and a throbbing headache.
Struggling to open her puffy eyes, she took in her surroundings in a confused daze. The bathroom light was still on from the night before, yet the room was bright with mid-morning light streaming in from her adjacent bedroom window.
She lifted herself off the floor where she had lain in an uncomfortable position, leaning against the tub.
An immediate wave of shame washed over her as the memories of the night before resurfaced. How had she let herself lose control so completely? Never before had she even considered cutting herself in that way.
But what scared her most was not the memory of the pain she had but also of the immense relief and calm she had felt afterward, the exact opposite of what she was feeling at this moment.
You deserved it all, she heard the voice linger in her mind and she felt a shiver run down her spine.
Her fingers were still sticky from the dried blood and she reminded herself that she would have to clean the floor tiles as well later. Now her biggest concern was her still uncleaned cuts.
After she meticulously scrubbed off the blood under her fingernails in the sink, she looked for some antiseptic to clean the cuts with. Her head still felt groggy and a feeling of light-headedness came upon her as she attended to the wounds on her thighs.
Had she fallen asleep while she had cut herself last night? Perhaps even passed out? As a doctor, she knew that was a bad sign. But she doubted that it was because of the blood loss but more out of pure exhaustion.
All of a sudden reality kicked in and she was reminded of the fact that it was Monday and that she should be on her way to work right now. The surge of panic resurfaced and she stumbled into the bedroom to put on new clothes.
It's the first day back at work and you already don't have your shit together, she heard that same nagging voice inside her head as she quickly put on some makeup. If she had more time then she would have been able to conceal the dark circles under her eyes better, but she was already late for work and some hastily applied foundation had to do.
Why even bother coming to work when you look that disgusting? Don't let Mulder see you like this. You don't deserve his compassion.
Her face crumpled at this and she struggled to keep the tears at bay. After a few deep breaths, she managed to get her things together and left the apartment with her hands clutching desperately to her bag.
She had to go to work.
After everything she had ruined she just couldn't let Mulder down too.
No, not him.
***
SHORT SUMMARY OF THIS CHAPTER (this will probably be the only one I'll need to do this for):
Scully is thinking back at the words that Bill said to her in hospital, blaming her for their family's pain and overall bullying her (big surprise..). Overwhelmed by her emotions/destructive thoughts she resorts to hurting herself.
The next morning she wakes up late for work, barely tends to her wounds, and hastily throws on some clothes as to not let Mulder down.