Verbatim

by XxSalmonellaPoisonxX

Summary:

Anna is the angel that saves him. what happens if he loses the angel?

Chapter 1: Oh Anna

Monday, 3:19 AM

 

Gerard turned over, sweat trickling from his temples.   The day was young, orange mass barely peeking over the vast snow layered mountains.  He got up slowly, unpleasantly greeted by the 30 degree weather and a room barely above that.  He was cold.  So fucking cold.  Gerard picked at the little pin pricks coating his arms, pulling at those thin black hairs.

 

Drugs.  Gimme drugs.

Gerard needed a high so fucking bad.  He sniffed, rummaging through the cluttered droors standing by his bedside.  Just a little cocaine.  Or xanax.  Or--well, he didn’t know--anything to get his high.  He’d chase it until his body gave out.  It just couldn’t handle his stupidity anymore.  But he wanted it.  He wanted to feel warm and safe.  Ah--he found it--but Gerard didn’t have much left.  He’d better get more soon.  Withdrawals and shit were never any fun.  Not like the high he wanted so bad, but couldn’t get anymore.

 

9:30 AM

 

The sky was blue.  Clouds barely visible in their dull white form.  Gerard trotted down the narrow roadside.  Two blocks later he arrived at the hospital he was a temp for.  So many dead folk and a smell of hand sanitizer wafted through the corridor.  He’d occasionally pass a corpse and the family around it.  Emotionless, mostly.  Maybe the family was just caught off guard.  For whatever reason, Gerard's tender age made it perpetually hard to care.  He’d cried more when a stray cat that used to frequent his apartment stopped coming.  And that was limited to a looming drowsy feeling.  Not really sadness, per se.  

 

His job was mostly just following nurses around, helping clean equipment and such.  Barely any instruction.  Gerard hated his job, but it paid relatively well and was a nice gateway to his ideal profession in nursing.

Wednesday, 4:36 AM

 

Gerard attended college classes 3 days a week, barely pulling through in his grades, what with long lasting addictions and abusive relationships.  He shouldn’t say abusive, necessarily.  He and his girlfriend, Anna, really did love each other.  The sex was mediocre, but Anna understood the 23 year old boy.  They both agreed that a monogamous relationship wouldn’t do, as they were both adventurous.  Thing was, neither of them really had the devotion to each other that would result in a meaningful and emotionally healthy relationship.  They only ever saw each other every other week, both being busy with their own lives.  It honestly made Gerard feel like shit when he’d have a meltdown and Anna would only half-assedly tell him it was OK and she cared.  He wasn’t much better though, and Anna was in a worse state than he.

 

Maybe they were better off as friends.

 

Back to college.  His grades were okay, and he majored in nursing.  Gerard barely finished highschool, if he was being honest.  He wouldn’t have gotten past the 12th grade if not for the ability to get a GED.  Luckily his parents were willing to pay for college tuition; that is, as long as he got his shit together, managed his grades above C’s and paid for everything else.  It was a sweet deal, and quite reassuring that his parents cared.  At the very least they didn’t want their thirty year old son living in their basement.

Friday, 5:30 PM

 

Gerard and Anna’s relationship had always been a bit sour.  Now it just tasted like if rotted lemons had a baby with spoiled milk.  Yeah, that didn’t sound like a good combination.  With the couple barely seeing each other, the only interaction they got to fill the gaps was an occasional fight over the phone and angry mediocre sex.

 

Anna said one day that her friend’s thought they should break up because their relationship was toxic and the sex wasn’t good enough.  Fuck that, though.  It seemed the only thing that ever mattered anymore was how good the fucking was.  Never about how they might compliment each other; or how both their mental states were slowly crumbling, and the only thing keeping them alive was a relationship they could convince themselves was stable.

 

Anna was the angel that saved him, some days.  So when Gerard received a call saying she had attempted to kill herself by OD’ing on HIS drugs, Gerard couldn’t say it felt good.  Actually, it felt like someone stood him over a 20 story building and ripped his lungs out, threatening to ‘push him’ if he made even the slightest movement.  But Gerard wanted to move.  He felt like he was gonna tic.  His joints were gonna twist uncontrollably, leaving him to shrug his shoulders with sheer anxiety.  He was going to spasm on the floor, spinning in circles and foaming in the mouth.

 

He--there was a series of irate knocks at the door, interrupting his thoughts.  Shit.  What if it was the police?  Anna got the drugs somewhere, and they were obviously gonna suspect her boyfriend.  Maybe someone ratted him out?  Asshole.

 

Gerard peeped through the eye-hole.  A distorted face was seething red on the other side of the wall.  Oh, it was Anna’s mom.  FUCK.  It was Anna’s mom! Said boy shuddered at the thought, opening the door just a crack.  Anna’s mom, Gwen, pushed the door open further, eyes furrowing at the sight of the compact room. 

 

For her somewhat short stature Gwen had always been intimidating.  She looked up at Gerard, as if expecting him to say something, before giving up and starting off.

 

“She got the drugs from you, didn’t she?”  What’d he say to that?  Yeah, of course she got the drugs from fucking me.   

 

Instead, Gerard shrugged, muttering a “Yeah”  before he got bitch slapped in the face.

 

“What the hell is wrong with you?!”  A lot.

 

“‘M sorry,”  came a response.

 

Anna’s mom, Gwen, continued, “Look, your relationship is toxic.  Anna’s only gotten worse since she met you,”  Ouch.  Again, “Please, Gerard, stay away from her with your damned drugs”

 

“Because my baby is dying”

 

The conversation ended at that.  The short woman stomped out of the room, only stopping to look back once, and shut the door.

Notes:

this was certainly fun <3

Chapter 2: Tranquility for Him

Monday,  6:30 AM

 

Gerard couldn’t say his mental health was great.  He definitely couldn’t say it had improved since his girlfriend's near death experience, only caused by yours truly.  Anna’s family wouldn’t let him see her, but the one time Gerard had managed to visit the girl confirmed that maybe Anna wanted to see him too.

 

7:01 AM

 

Gerard gently knocked at the door, peeking inside the barren complex.  Anna was sprawled out on the twin sized frame, mostly fine; but there were still a few tubes hooked up to her  She looked deathly, pale and limp with velcro straps barely fitting around her wrists.  As if the skinny girl is capable of just up and leaving, Gerard thought.

 

Anna looked over at Gerard, reddish hair falling over her eyes and just barely covering a smirk.

 

“Hey,”  she said weakly.

 

“Hey”

 

Again, Anna was the angel that saved him.  Gerard was on the brink of tears when Anna gestured for him to sit next to her.  What would he do without her?

 

“How ya doing?”  a soft voice cut off his thoughts.

 

Gerard hummed in response.  He wasn’t going to lie, and he guessed Anna already knew how he was doing.   

 

Anna started off before her mom stepped in.

 

“Gerard,” she hissed,

 

 “what the fuck are you doing here?”  and continued, 

 

“I told you to stay the hell away from my daughter”

 

“I was just leaving, Ms. Gwen”

Tuesday, 12:14 PM

Today was one of Gerard’s few day’s off.  On Tuesdays there was no class, and work wasn’t scheduled for another four hours.  He knew he should get some sleep, rest while he could and all.

 

But he couldn’t.

 

Usually his schedule was jam packed, and he had no time to think about how wrong his life was.  Today he had about half a free day. ---Maybe he could work extra time?  No.  Gerard was no busy-body, and he prided himself on that.----Maybe he’d take a walk.  The young adult knew he should cut back on the drugs and alcohol.  Pretty soon he wouldn’t be capable of feeling happy himself, he’d no longer be able to reach his high.  He’d die when he turned 40 of a stroke.  That’s what Gerard had read somewhere.

 

A walk sounded nice.

 

So Gerard threw on his coat and stepped out of the apartment.

 

The breeze was a stark contrast to the heat emanating from his chest.  It felt cool and calming.  Somehow, to Gerard, it also symbolized a sixth sense.  So quickly his rage had diminished.  Everything was utterly clear and quiet.  He’d created silence.  His skin felt sterile as it clung onto his arms, making him look even more pale than he was.

The only sound that charged through the city block were Gerard’s hearty footsteps, otherwise making him self conscious about being heard.  So when he reached the park that had always been a mile away, Gerard sat down and let the tranquility fill the void in his heart.

 

Notes:

idk what do y'all think? I haven't actually written a lot recently, and i feel like a fetus here <3

Chapter 3: She Misses Me

Notes:

First off, TW for mentions of eating disorders---but also,,this chapter was surprisingly wholesome (to me)

Monday, 3:06 PM

 

Today wasn’t so chaotic.  Well, it was very chaotic.  But busy meant Gerard could ignore the growing void in his chest.

 

Anna had finally gotten out of the hospital---Actually, she got out of the hospital almost a week ago, but no one bothered to tell Gerard.  Apparently she was bulimic.  Whatever the fuck that meant.  Okay.  He knew what it meant.  His lifestyle was often like that, but it wasn’t like he made that choice because of some dysmorphia type bullshit.  Sure he wasn’t exactly happy with the way he looked;  his arms were a bit big and his stomach was a bit soft---but that wasn’t a perpetual choice.

 

One day Anna called Gerard on the phone, and she agreed that the ‘bulimic’ thing was a load of bullcrap.  She said the stress of college---which she attended more classes than Gerard, currently--and her job and everything else simply took it’s toll on her.

 

He supposes this is what he meant when he said Anna and Gerard truly understood each other.  Maybe she was the only one that wouldn’t cringe whenever he brought up his mental health and said it was fine , who knows.

 

Gerard simply saw so much of himself in Anna, he wondered when he would end up like her.  Hospitalized for OD’ing on some drug---Valium, he’d later learned---and found by a neighbour that had noticed the door open for an extended period of time.

 

Friday, 11:00 AM

 

Gerard and Anna had set up a date for later that afternoon, both deciding that if they wanted the relationship to work they’d have to make time for each other.  Apparently Anna had a lot more of that nowadays, as her mom made her take time off from school.

 

1:56 PM

 

Gerard thought Anna sounded jittery over the phone.  Now that seemed like an understatement.  Withdrawals, maybe?  The pale girl drum-rolled her fingers against her thigh, free leg bouncing to some imaginary rhythm.  She was hunched over, white shaw covering most of her torso and damp with layers of sweat and---blood stains.  Shit.  Gerard should ask Anna how she is more often.

 

Said girl looked over her shoulder at him, eye’s wide and lips making a thin line, amplifying the dimples on each cheek.

 

A soft voice broke their silence.

 

“Gerard!”  for her enthusiasm Anna spoke rather softly, almost weak for her usual brusque tone.

 

Gerard smiled back, arms opening as an invitation for a hug.  This invitation was savagely accepted as Anna burrowed into him with her light weight.

 

“I missed you, Gerard---You don’t even know”

 

“I know, same”

 

The pair's embrace lasted a few more extensive seconds before both pulled away.  At closer inspection, Anna actually looked healthier.  Her cheeks were fuller, eyes not quite as colossally big on her face as they used to be.  Not to mention those putrid eyebags.  She looked nice--healthy, even--and Gerard wasn’t used to it.

 

“You look...fucking hot, ”  Gerard muttered.

 

Anna combed her bangs with her fingers, looking down.  A light flush glazed over her face, signaling embarrassment.

 

“I--shut up, Gerard,”  any malice behind those words quickly dissolved as she continued, 

 

“Thanks”

Notes:

But like holy shit i haven't been invested in writing a story in so long i---

Chapter 4: The Therapist

Notes:

K I need to edit this (and every other chapter) so sorry for grammatical errors

Anna and Gerard had recently spent more time together.  On some days she would even walk him to college classes in the early hours of the morning.  

 

She kept gaining weight.  Her hair grew back fuller, her eyes were brighter and she even sported a light tan to go with her Spanish descent.

 

Anna said she was getting better and Gerard believed her.

 

In turn of Anna’s company, Gerard walked the girl to therapy every Saturday.

 

Saturday, 1:29 PM

 

Gerard splayed his hand across the shoulders of the afore-mentioned girl, who rambled on about how annoying her mom could be, what went on in therapy and how she suspected one of the people in her group had something with the therapist.  When they arrived at their destination; a small brick building with a cardboard cutout reading ‘Therapy Wed.-Sat., 11pm-5pm’ in all rainbow sharpie, Gerard pecked Anna on the forehead before sending her off.

 

Not long after everyone filed inside of the building, Gerard sauntered across the parking lot.  He had no destination, so he figured he’d run around town while he waited for Anna to finish her thing.

 

For a while Gerard was kicking a beer bottle down the sidewalk, until he ran across a young couple pushing their infant in a stroller.  Best not disturb them.

 

After he bought a jerky stick from a convenience store he sat on a park bench and watched as people lived.  

 

Gerard was tired.  So very tired.  He rested his head against the spartan metal lining of the bench, consuming the chatter of the playground nearby, and everyone else.

 

Gerard’s body felt light, and soon everything went dark.

 

2:43 PM

 

Gerard awoke, at first unsure of where he was.  The park had a hushed tone, with most of the families having gone home a little while ago.  Then he checked the time on the phone.

 

Shoot.  Dang.  Darn it.  Anna’s therapy session ended thirteen minutes ago, and the walk back would take another 20.  

 

Gerard called her, however the phone went straight to voicemail.  Her phone might’ve been dead, or she was mad at him, or---or---Gerard didn’t know.  But what if something bad happened?

 

Gerard re-checked the notifications on his phone, making sure no one had tried to contact him, before he started off toward the therapy thing.

 

2:55 PM

 

Gerard wiped sweat from his lip, cringing at the adherent texture on his hand.

 

Anna was nowhere to be found, and the parking lot was just as abandoned as before.  Before deciding to head back to his apartment and do who-knows-what, Gerard noticed someone closing up the building.  Presumably the therapist, judging by the name-tag that read ‘Dr. Iero’.

 

Hhahaa. “Excuse me, uh” how should Gerard phrase this? “Do you know where Anna went?”

 

The therapist,  Dr. Iero, gave Gerard a bemused look before answering.  

 

Leisurely, he started off “Anna went home about twenty minutes ago, her mother picked her up”

 

At least she was safe.  Gwen would be pissed, though.

 

Gerard laughed, sullenly.

 

“Thanks,” he muttered, brushing his hair from his face.

 

Before he could turn to walk home he was interrupted.

 

The therapist tilted his head to the side.

 

“You uh, okay?”  He continued “You need a ride?’

 

“I shouldn’t---”

 

3:05 PM

 

Gerard said he didn’t need a ride.  He said he was fine.  How the fuck did he end up in the car with Anna’s therapist?

 

Dr. Iero---Frank----rambled on.  “--So I know I’m Anna’s therapist and everything, and it might be awkward, but it is my job and you seem like you could use the help--”

 

“Huh?” 

 

Before Gerard knew it he was being ushered out of the car, towards his flimsy apartment with a note in his hand.

 

“Therapy, huh?”

 

Notes:

So i'm back---

Chapter 5: The Hole

Notes:

Ok so--I kinda wrote myself into writers block. Not super happy with this but oh well <3

 

Sunday, 4:01 AM

 

Gerard turned over to his side, brown covers twisting uncomfortably around his skin.

 

He found it hard to sleep, being plagued with the anxiety that everyone: especially his girlfriend, hated him.  His arms stuck to his side, engulfed with a cold sweat.

 

Gerard writhed in pain as he got up.  Only when he was in a crunched position did he realize the cramping of his stomach, the dull and painful sensation that lurked behind his eyes.

 

Gerard felt warm.  Warm was actually the understatement of the decade.  He felt like he was bathing in a pool of lava.  Sweltering heat rose to his flushed cheeks, briefs stuck to his thighs with bodily fluids.

 

He felt horrible and probably ran a fever.  Or cold, or however you differentiate the two.

 

6:45 AM

 

Somewhere, somehow, during the night Gerard actually managed to catch some shut eye.  He felt a little better, but still icky.  

 

Mentally and physically.  

 

Some days Gerard just wanted to be pulled apart.  Rid of his average stature, no more than the outline of a soul.  A memory that people didn’t frown upon.  He wanted to be burned and ridiculed.  Not because he enjoyed it,but  because he didn’t deserve any more than that.  Perhaps having a sob story would give him some reason to feel the way he does.  

 

Sad.  Mourning.  Grief.  Stupidity.  Like a heaping pile of ugly, malodorous shit.

 

Hurriedly and without giving his body time to adjust, Gerard clonked over to the medicine cabinet in search of aspirin.  Actually, he hadn’t used anything since he met Anna two weeks ago.  Maybe the cause of his pain was withdrawal.  Withdrawal that needed to be filled with substance.

 

Substance that used to fill the burning hole in his chest, stop it from welting with infection and causing more pain.  

 

Gerard needs to stop thinking.  

 

How does he stop thinking?  

 

He’s on a sobriety streak and it feels good to accomplish something.  It’s painful, and he questions how it’s worth it when no one seems to acknowledge he’s trying.  

 

Ok.  Just---wow--blank.  His mind is numb.  That’s what Gerard needs.  Dull silence and boredom.  

 

Anna hates him.  Anna and everyone else hates him and wants him gone.

 

Blank.  Not even a colour.

 

It’d be better if he wasn’t here.  

 

Clearly ‘not thinking’ wasn’t going to work.

 

He could just use a little bit.  The goal was to wean himself off, after all.  Baby steps.

 

His parents wasted all that money on Gerard. Selfish cunt.

 

So Gerard may have broken his rule.  He may have taken something to ease him.  But Gerard was doing better.  The hole was sewing itself shut.  He was becoming a whole person for the first time since he was---what--12?

 

He’s doing fucking great!

 

Yup.  the disappointment in himself that lingers behind is something for another day.

Notes:

Hopefully I won't have so much trouble writing now--

Chapter 6: Life's Pretty Good (haha)

Gerard was immortal.  That’s what he felt, anyway.  No matter what he did it still felt like he had many substandard years left to live.  

 

Days passed quickly since Anna ‘recovered’.  Since Gerard started using again.  He couldn’t stand the pain.  The physical dependence on opioids.

 

And he was happy for Anna, he really was.  However, Anna had grown distant from him.  She no longer addled herself with foreign substance, she had made friends.  Anna, the antisocial sex fiend, had made some genuine friends-!  While they used to see each other every other week, they now saw each other once a month--maybe---sometimes less.

 

Over the phone, Anna sounded happier.  Whenever they saw each other, Anna continued to look like a completely different---healthier---person.  One time, over the phone, Anna had talked of quitting therapy.  Her mom begrudgingly agreed, she said, quoting her mother, “Fine, but if I ever catch you dry heaving in the bathroom, or talking about dying, or---fuck---asking any of your ‘friends’ for a dose,”  Gerard didn’t listen after that.

 

Maybe it was the drugs, maybe he had ADHD and he didn’t even know it, Gerard never listens.  He feels like shit after it, yes, but he had a growing lack of interest in life.    

 

Monday, 3:20 AM

 

Gerards not gonna go to his classes anymore.  So be it if his parents stop supporting him financially.  It’ll be more money in their pockets anyway.  He’s helping them by quitting school.  There’s no way, he comes to the harsh understanding, that he can continue being a malfunctioning adult with bad eyesight and loose teeth, and STILL get a well paying job where he’s supposed to help others.  It was a sudden decision; maybe a bad one, but Gerard couldn’t think of anything else.

 

Thursday, 4:13 PM, 10/06

Months passed, and Gerard couldn’t understand Anna anymore.  She pittied him.  He lost one of his teeth, and started living in his shit car.  He reeked of piss.  Piss and shit.  That’s what Gerard was.  His parents did just as they had promised.  They didn’t financially support him anymore because he was a “fuck up, useless, no future son,” as his father so kindly put it, in the heat of the moment.  

 

But Gerard got by.  He had his doses, a blanket, and a pillow.  Heating was free for the cool months of October, he didn’t use much gas (unless people started giving him crap about being unwelcome).  Currently, he stayed in front of some gas station that never got any customers, but always had some sketchy dude and his orange clip envelope containing something.  Just a block away from his old apartment complex, which now housed a seemingly nice asian family.

 

Unfortunately, no one wanted him as an employee when he smelled so bad, and he was starting to run out of money.  To suffice, he started sponge bathing more frequently, practicing scripts and trying to appear like a calm, ‘I’m gonna get shit done, and improve your bussiness,’ kinda guy.  Because Gerard’s like that.  Haha.   

 

Gerard got an interview for a place.  A position for janitor at a Carl’s Jr..  How exciting--!

 

Also unfortunate---Gerard was rejected.  The corporation said they had a smarter, more put together hunk that would do the dirty work.

 

That’s fine.  He didn’t need that job anyway.

Notes:

let's see what happens now. Hopefully Gerard doesn't do anything stupid! 3))