Chapter 1: One
Chapter Text
I felt the ache behind my eyes signaling to me that my attempts at sleep had been a waste. Tried as I might, I tossed and turned all night, staring out the window next to my bed at the sea of blue around me. The walls twinkled evilly, the light blue making me feel sick. These four walls had haunted me, goaded me. I felt a twinge of pain as I shifted in bed, and shut my eyes tight hoping it would go away.
There was a knock at the door, and I sat up as quickly as my body would allow to watch as my mother, Mary, waltzed into the room without a care in the world. I knew that this was just a mask, a fake character she had created for purposes of hiding the real person behind it. Not a mother, but a scientist, an Erudite who only cared for hypothesising and proving herself the smartest in the room. My father, Steven, was the same, if a bit more aggressive about it. About everything, really.
"We want to make sure we get good seats this year. I've heard a few rumours of some interesting and promising candidates transferring to us this year, and of course we need enough time to say hello to everyone."
Again, all she cared about was appearances, other than her work. I watched as she pulled out my clothes for that day, a smart blue shirt and dark blue trousers. I watched as she eyed the trousers with a frown, stretching out the waistband. My mother didn't like to admit I didn't take after her, with her perfectly pinned, blonde hair and thin waist connected to long, willowy legs. I had heard time and time again that I must have gotten my short height, round hips and dark hair from someone on my father's side, someone who transferred and was cut from the family. Both sides were Erudite through and through, not a single transfer either to or from the faction, though there must have been one or two, like she said. Whatever my mother tried, whether it was forcing me to run laps until I collapsed, or diets that had me fainting, the weight stayed on like I was an Amity, forcing serum-loaded carbs into my mouth at every meal. It wasn't until someone told me to hate my body that I did, and as she continued stretching the waistband of the trousers I knew would still be too small on me, I felt that flicker of upset, the sick anxiety in my stomach, crescendo into anger.
She left me to dress, and I rode the wave of anger that was rocking my body. I wasn't an angry person - living in this house, it was dangerous to show how I truly felt to my parents, about them or their work, how I felt about myself. I would sometimes allow myself to cry at night, when I knew they couldn't hear me, but I never really gave in to those feelings. I had learnt from when I was a child, just barely thirteen years old, when my parents finally told me what they did, and showed it to me in the worst of ways. Showing emotion wasn't Erudite, and neither was it the Staines way.
I mused on this as I dressed, feeling the clothes stick to my body like cling film. I thought about my anger, my feelings and fears, and how surprised I was when I finally let go in the aptitude test not a day ago.
I had had a nice Dauntless woman help me with the test. Tori, I think her name was. She had jet-black hair, fierce eyes but a kind smile. She had told me what to expect, to make sure I was confident in my choices and to not hold back. It wouldn't help me to not make the correct choices for myself, so I followed her advice. I was always much more of a reader or a listener than a loud and proud Erudite like most of the kids at school. I had obviously not expected Erudite - though I loved to read, I didn't have that drive for education and research that most of my peers had - nor factions like Amity or Candor. I had honestly expected Abnegation, the spineless, selfless faction; though it did not sound a happy life. I was desperate for an escape. Even the grey, drab clothing that the stiffs wore would be a welcome break from the blue tones of my home faction, and honestly I thought I could live a good life focusing on taking care of others, losing myself to the selfless acts the faction undertook.
So when the tables turned up in front of me, I didn't realise I had picked up the knife, feeling the weight of it in my hands, and didn't blink an eye when the dog came at me and I brought the knife in front of me on reflex. To be honest, as an Erudite - someone who was born to think logically and rationally, to see the information in front of me and deduce conclusions from it - I should have not been surprised when my test came back Dauntless.
But that wasn't me. I was just following instructions.
There was no way I wouldn't think I wasn't a cowardly piece of shit, the thoughts practically my own mantra by now, or what my father told me. "Uneducated, cowardly, pathetic," were his exact words. I thought them over and over in my head.
Dauntless. Fearless, brave, strength in a bottle. I couldn't even look in the mirror without wanting to hurl at the reflections of my parents staring back at me.
I didn't tell anyone the true outcome of the test. Tori seemed to understand, or at least tried to, my reaction when I started shaking and sobbing. She held me for a moment, enveloping me in that strength that came naturally to Dauntless. I felt strong and powerful in her arms, and then the world came crashing down on me again. So many years, feeling afraid, never feeling like I was good enough for my parents. Always coming home fearful to their reaction at another failed test, or worse a low score. Failing seemed to be a better option, than purely just not being good enough to match my classmates' scores. Now what was I supposed to do? Pretend I was an Erudite, endure the monotony of the faction, the fear and terror in my parents' house; transfer to Abnegation, or even Amity, and live my life out in fear, constantly watching my back to see if my parents had found me. Or should I do what I had been told to do; to choose Dauntless, and run away from it all?
This tirade of self-deprecating and fearful thoughts continued round and round in my head through breakfast - though I didn't have the stomach to eat, which unsurprisingly made my mother happy - and through the journey to the Hub. The auditorium was a large, circular room, made to fit that year's intake of eighteen year olds and their parents for the Choosing Ceremony. I felt my father's hand on my shoulder, holding me like a vice, parading me round as they said hello to their colleagues and friends. Some eyed me cautiously; I knew at least one or two of their colleagues had an idea of their research, and I saw the pity reflected in their eyes. I didn't even know Erudites could feel pity.
We took seats in the blue section, reminding me of the sea and making me feel seasick. I had only seen pictures, of course, but nonetheless the colour gave me nothing but pain. My father's grip had moved its way onto my wrist, feeling like shackles.
I watched as Marcus Eaton took the stage, making some sort of speech as he did as Leader of our government. There had been rumours a couple years ago of his own son transferring, with some in Erudite spreading round that he had beaten his child, that he was wrong to be our leader despite his Abnegation faction. I watched the man, charm oozing from him, as if he enjoyed being in front of all of us. The feeling of my father's fingers tightening around my wrist, watching this man parade in front of us as if he didn't enjoy it, honestly I thought I would burst. Into tears or screams, I didn't know. But it fuelled me up until the moment my father shook my arm like a rag doll. I had zoned out throughout the entire alphabet, and had hardly heard my name called out. Steven released my wrist, and I cradled it close to me in case he tried to snatch it again. As I walked down to the stage, I met Marcus Eaton's eyes. He eyed my wrist, where there was a slight red mark, hungrily. I only noticed it since I had forced myself to read people; I had pretty much no friends at school, and as someone who was afraid of being home, I had made it so that I could tell when my parents were in a mood, or itching to prove a new hypothesis right. I didn't like that look, and I felt the anger overtake me again.
My hands were sweating when I picked up the knife, I was so afraid I'd drop it or it wouldn't be able to slice through my hand. I gingerly held it, feeling that same weight I had in the sim, and pressed the tip into my palm. Blood pooled in my hand, and for a brief moment, the anger in my chest turned to white-hot fear.
What should I do? Erudite, Abnegation, Dauntless? My eyes flickered between the bowls, for what felt like hours but in reality was a few seconds. Fear, terror, what could be worse than that? Then the image of the Dauntless running through the city, the way they were laughing and playing with each other when we had entered the auditorium. It took a second before I realised I had dropped my blood onto the steaming coals, and the cheers from the black side of the hall erupted. I was dragged to them, clapped on the back and even hugged while some chanted my name. It wasn't rare that an Erudite would transfer to Dauntless; it happened more often than not, but it was still a happy day when someone decided to.
I didn't turn around, didn't look back to see my parents. I didn't need to see the disappointment on Mary's face, nor the rage and fury on Steven's for my disobedience. I had ruined the family, their reputation, and most importantly, took some of their secrets with them.
I knew I wasn't safe; not yet, not until I knew they couldn't get to me. But as I started to follow the Dauntless out of the building as the Ceremony ended, I could feel those holes on my back burning less and less, until I was outside and running alongside the other Initiates. My new family.
I was free.
Chapter 2: Two
Notes:
Hi everyone! Thanks for the good response to the first chapter. I'll hopefully be posting the next few chapters soon, as well as keep updating the original story on ff.net. Please r&r!
Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent
Chapter Text
I was surprised at how long it took for me to feel winded. It seemed that, despite the end goal not being the same, the amount of time my mother had forced me to exercise to lose weight had at least improved my stamina. I felt my arms and chest wiggling slightly as I ran but any bad thoughts I had about them were gone with the cheers and whoops of the others running alongside me. I caught up to Tony, a boy I knew from school. He had long legs and was taking it in stride, but I could see his face reddening as he exerted himself. He was nice, but I hadn't ever really spoken to him before. I followed him to where everyone was stopping, underneath the train tracks and watched as others started climbing up the scaffolding bases. It seemed our tests began before we even reached Dauntless. I watched as Tony started climbing up, and tried to copy his movements. It was hard; between stretching my arms to their full length to grab the next rung up, and the pain at moving some of my previous injuries, I was panting by the time I got close to the top. A hand stretched out to me; Tony had waited for me, and helped pull me to the tracks.
"Thanks, you didn't have to wait for me," I said in between breaths. He gave me a smile, but for once I couldn't read it very well. He had an attractive face I would admit. Sandy coloured hair and dark eyes gave him an Amity look, but I knew from school that it hid his smart brain and quick retorts.
"No worries. Us noses have to stick together you know?" he chuckled. I guess others would have a harder time brushing off their birth faction; I was ready to leave it behind.
We started down the tracks, following the others. Some kept looking back behind us. I felt the train before I saw it; the other initiates up ahead started running, and I balked as I realised we were probably going to have to jump on it, as it sped past us. If you were even able to keep up with the train.
Being in front of Tony, I started running as fast as I could, glancing to my left to see where I could grab hold of. A glimmer of something caught my eye, and I intuitively jumped. Stretching out my arms as far as I could, I felt two of my fingers grab onto something and swung myself in the direction of the door. I hit the side of the train with a thud, and once again a hand stuck itself out in front of me. I was hauled into the train, and I briefly wondered if all this made Erudite actually a safer place to be than a faction that expected us to jump onto moving trains.
I looked up into the face of the person who had helped me. He had dark, short hair and a blinding smile.
"Hi, I'm Chris, your knight in shining armour!"
Everyone watching the scene laughed, and I couldn't help but join in. I thanked him, and went to sit in a corner, sliding down to the floor as my legs shook. I looked around at the others in the car. A couple Dauntless-born had joined us, but it seemed most of the transfers were there. I spotted Tony talking to the other two Erudite transfers, Paul and Emmeline, two that I made sure not to look at. They had been amongst the loudest and less-subtle of the kids at school who made their dislike of me known. I was sure to stay away from them. I spent most of the ride trying to catch my breath, and watching those around me. I spotted another transfer standing around by themselves. Pushing myself up, I walked over to her. She was wringing her hands like a nun, her red sleeves pushed up to her elbows.
"Nervous?" I asked softly so as to not surprise her. She turned her head, and gave me a small smile. She was taller than me, with a pretty face and long flowing blonde hair. "You?" she asked.
I thought about it for a second, but didn't get to reply with an answer. We heard shouts from the cars in front of us and darted our heads out the doors. We were coming up to some rooftops, and we could start to see some of the Dauntless-born jump from the train and landing on the rooftop. I shuddered. I really might die before I get to Dauntless.
I looked at the girl next to me and stretched out my hand. I didn't know where this confidence was coming from; maybe the adrenaline, or the fact that this was the furthest from home I had ever been.
"Together" I told her. She nodded her head and grabbed my hand. We stalked to the back of the car, watching as some of the others flew out into the air. Once there was space for us, we ran as fast as we could, and prayed.
I felt rocks and tarmac stick into my other side when I hit the floor; now both sides of my body ached. Thank god I had let go of the other girl's hand before we hit, otherwise I may have crushed her on the landing. I found her eyes as she too brushed dirt and other sharp bits from her body.
"Don't think I'm nervous anymore," I finally said. We fell into a fit of giggles; the fear and adrenaline taking over us.
"Initiates!"
We heard a booming voice and once we had gotten up, followed it. It was hard to look over the heads of the taller initiates in front of me, so I pushed towards the front. My eyes were drawn to a man standing by a ledge. His whole body screamed confidence; taut arm muscles were crossed over his puffed out chest, piercing grey eyes with two black stones glittering in the sun above his right eye. I couldn't take my eyes off him, and I knew this had to have been the man that had called out to us. Relationships in Erudite had never been discouraged, but were mostly pointless at a young age. Intelligence and hard work were more important, and besides, I never felt confident to put myself out there, let alone even think about any boy. This, however, was a real man.
"My name is Eric, one of your Dauntless leaders," the man's voice was like silk to my ears, a deep voice that hit every nerve in my body. "In order to enter Dauntless, you need to show us you mean it. The only way in," his eyes moved to glance behind him, "is through there."
I heard several people gasp. To me, even if the Erudite in me was miniscule, it made sense. They had thrown several obstacles in front of us already, so why stop there? Surely they wouldn't kill us at this point, even though it was possible for someone to fall off the tracks or crack their head on the rooftop from the jump. That thought made me shiver slightly.
"Well, who's going to be first?" Eric asked. His eyes never met mine, didn't even fall on me. I was feeling brave, or at least wanting to be brave, to show myself. Before I could do anything about it, I heard someone call out. Tony pushed past the others around him and walked forwards towards Eric and the ledge. Eric glanced at him as if he was bored, and watched with us as Tony stepped up onto the ledge. He spent a few minutes just looking down, and I watched as Eric grew more pissed off.
"Are you going to jump Initiate, or are you waiting for the ground to come to you?"
Tony took another moment, and a breath later, stepped out into the air and fell. We heard as his scream grew more quiet until it disappeared. I felt the tension grow as people realised Eric would be calling for others to join Tony in wherever he had gone. I thought about my father, what he would say to me if he was here. "You're weak," the voice in my head said. "You could never do this. You're a coward, unworthy of us."
I pushed past the few remaining people in front of me before I even realised what I was doing. Eric hadn't even called out yet for more jumpers; he watched me with an unreadable expression. His was the second face that day that I couldn't read.
"I hadn't called for another jumper yet, Initiate."
I bristled at his tone. "There's no point in waiting around, is there?" I asked incredulously. The voices of my parents still echoed in my head and for once, I let the anger take over me. Eric had nothing to respond to my question, he just glanced up and down my body once, and for some reason, that made me angry too.
I pushed up onto the ledge without waiting for Eric's approval. All I could hear was the wind whistling in my ears from the height we were at, not even a breath from anyone around me. Before Eric could say anything about me taking my time, I turned around and closed my eyes, those unreadable slate eyes the last thing I saw before I tilted back and fell into oblivion.
The wind rushed up to meet me, and I couldn't help but let out a breath. It was exhilarating, a pure thrill. I felt light, like everything I held onto was left behind on that rooftop. If this was what flying felt like, I never wanted it to end. But it did, with my back hitting the net and bouncing up slightly. I felt somewhat proud to know I had been right in thinking the Dauntless wouldn't have put us through more dangerous tasks to get into the compound. And I felt a slight tinge of strength from standing up to Eric.
Another attractive Dauntless man helped me off the net.
"You alright Initiate?" he asked, his voice deep too but not as delicious-sounding as Eric's voice had been. I nodded, the wind having stolen my voice.
"What's your name Initiate? You can pick a new one, but you only get one chance to change it," the man said.
I took a moment to think. Would I want to keep my birth name? It wasn't a bad one, it was just that it had been chosen for me by my parents, a traditional, good name. I realised in that moment that that wasn't me. But what was? I reflected on all the books I had enjoyed growing up, who I would want to be like.
"Cain. My name's Cain."
The man looked at me quizzically, but didn't question it. "Second jumper, Cain! Welcome to Dauntless."
Chapter 3: Three
Notes:
Third chapter up! From now on, there will be some minor trigger warnings for people who do find some of the issues/scenes mentioned in this story hard to read. This story will involve discussions of weight (mostly mental perceptions), violence/gore, swearing, insinuations of abuse and more mature scenes. I hope you guys enjoy and please R&R!
Chapter Text
It took a while for the rest of our Initiate class to join me and Tony down in the compound. I tried my best to stay friendly with him, but at arm's length. I didn't trust the people he was hanging around, and so I wasn't sure if I could trust him. I stayed with Chris and Sarah, the Amity transfer who had introduced herself when she came to find me. A couple of Dauntless-born Initiates came up to me to high-five me for standing up to Eric. Apparently he was well-known for being a hard-ass, even to the dependents before they chose their factions. They introduced themselves as River and Johnny; River was a tall, slender girl with beautiful raven hair, and Johnny was the typical blond jock type. They were both friendly enough though, and said goodbye to us when Four - the man who had helped us off the net - had split up the transfers and Dauntless-born. He was going to be our instructor for our initiation, and started us on a tour of the faction.
It was only when Four was taking us through the Pit, the main area of the compound, that I saw the short, sandy hair of Eric once again. Four mentioned that Eric would observe our training from time to time, and I didn't know if that made me happy or not. Definitely some kind of anticipation, but it would take some time to realise if that was good anticipation or bad.
Overall there were twenty-two of us in total; twelve Dauntless-born and ten transfers, including me, Chris and Sarah who had stayed by my side the entire time. Tony, Paul and Emmie were the other Erudite transfers, with two more Candors, another Amity transfer and one lone Abnegation transfer. I eyed the boy, Matthew, with pity. He looked alone, and I wondered how he was feeling. I knew this was an every-man-for-himself type situation, but I knew I would be feeling the same if Chris and Sarah weren't around me.
Four took us to our dorms, shared between the sexes which had Paul and the two Candor boys Flint and Callum whooping. I felt a shiver travel down my spine at that thought, of not just showing my body to these strangers, but to those three specifically. I made my way quickly into the dorm as Four showed the others the shared bathroom, and picked a bed right in the corner. I indicated to Sarah to quickly follow me as she re-entered the room, and both she and Chris took the beds around mine. I saw Matthew had followed us to the corner, as well as Tara, the other Amity girl. I didn't think Paul and the others had given off a great impression.
We continued in this weird group into the mess hall, grabbing a table altogether. The black training gear we had all been provided with was not sitting well with me; Chris had thankfully helped both me and Sarah change, using one of the bedsheets to shield us each time. The long sleeved shirt I was wearing felt like a second skin, and I shivered as I saw a fair few pairs of eyes on me, making me feel disgusting. River and Johnny came and joined us; they didn't think the two groups mingling was as bad as the others were making it out to be, and I decided I liked them even more in that moment. I eyed the food in front of us wearily. I hated eating in front of others; my mother would often make comments on how much I ate, even if it was vegetables, and I didn't know how I'd get through all this with so much out in the open. The lack of privacy was definitely throwing me.
"So why Cain?" Johnny was sitting diagonally opposite to me and had been the one to ask. "I mean, it's obvious that's not your original name, unless your parents were sadistic."
I didn't even want to think about how true that comment was.
"I don't know. I always liked the name, and I know it has a bad story behind it, but Cain might not have been the evil character he was always made out to be in the Bible, just like the people in Sodom and Gomorrah. Besides," I took a thoughtful chew on a carrot," my birth name wasn't really me. I wanted a change."
"Well I think it's fucking awesome," Chris suddenly said, making us all laugh out loud. "No I mean it! Like, could you imagine the bylines from the fights? The mark of Cain, ha" he chuckled. I hadn't thought about what our training would be like; Four had mentioned that we would have to fight each other, but really realising it in that moment, I felt the sick anxiety fill my stomach once more, and I pushed my plate away from me.
"Not eating Initiate?"
I froze. For once, Eric's voice didn't do crazy things to my hormones. It instilled a deep fear in me, like I had been caught out by my father. I looked up behind me, and saw him standing right behind me, obviously having been watching as I stopped eating.
"You know, normally Initiates would need all the energy they could get in order to get through initiation. For you," his eyes roamed my body as if tracing hot fire against it, "I don't think that will be a problem." He smirked, and waltzed off as quickly as he had joined us.
The table was silent for a moment, some of them not knowing where to look, but Chris and Sarah were both watching me. I moved my gaze from my lap where it had fallen after Eric walked away and accidentally locked eyes with Matthew. His eyes hardened. "He's not wrong you know," my eyes widened, "but not for the reason you think. Unlike you, the rest of us are gonna have to do all we can to pack on muscle and fat to help us get through this. You're already a step ahead, and believe me, that's an advantage some of us won't have. I mean, I'm basically a scarecrow."
If he hadn't have made a joke, I think I would have burst into tears. Instead I let out a loud laugh, and the ice that had taken over our table thawed. Chris thumped Matthew on the back, continuing on the jokes about his stick-thin figure. As everyone began talking again, I briefly thought about what Matthew had said. I supposed he had a point; I had already proved that I could run and catch up to everyone even at my short and larger size. What if he was right, and it would be easier for me to keep up with the fights once I had turned myself into a ball of muscle.
I glanced up, to the higher levels of the Pit, and once again saw Eric. I felt that anger, that was becoming a second nature, rise again in my chest. I kept my eyes on him, feeling that white hot feeling penetrate into me, as I took back my plate and filled my mouth up with food. Only until he looked away did I stop, and I felt all the more strong for it.
It was towards the end of dinner when a hush came over everyone. We looked round and saw what I assumed were the other leaders of the faction standing on one of the higher levels. The man I assumed was Max, the overall leader, started his speech.
"Welcome Initiates, to Dauntless!"
The cacophony of cheers echoed around the cavern. He raised a hand to silence them; I had never seen such a display of power before, not even by Jeanine Matthews.
"We welcome our newcomers to our home. We police the factions; we are their saviours, and their protectors. We do not search for power; power finds us." I felt his words cut at the anxiety in my chest. "You have chosen us. Now it is our turn to choose you. Go forward in your initiation, and show us how Dauntless you can be."
It seemed that Max was a man of few words, but it was enough to bring the cheers and excitement back to the room. People made their way to the tables of initiates, and one by one picked us all up. I was nervous when the hands reached me, the voices coming back to my mind for the first time since that morning, but Sarah grabbed my hand and I fell back into laughter and joy.
I walked back to the dorms alone, the others wanting to stay in the Pit for a bit longer despite Four letting us know our training would begin early the next morning. The excitement and nerves of the day had worn me out, and I was desperate for some alone time so I could shower and change in peace. I should have known that the peace I sought out wouldn't come easily.
"What do you think you're doing Initiate?" a voice sneered from the darkness. I turned back and watched as Eric strutted into view and I balked, my confidence from earlier long gone.
"Just heading to the dorms. I want to get some rest before tomorrow," I said meekly. Eric eyed me once again, his eyes raking me and I almost felt bad for taking up the space in the corridor. For some reason, the energy he gave off reminded me of my father; I think it was because of the unspoken threat behind his eyes, and the lack of kindness his look seemed to give.
"I think you'll need a whole lot more than rest to get through tomorrow, Initiate."
Every word he had said to me so far since meeting him sounded like a threat, and any good feeling I had had since arriving here just seemed to evaporate under his fiery gaze. I felt like I was back at home, walking on eggshells. I could only nod at him, and it didn't seem like he liked my answer. He gritted his teeth, his brow furrowing and he walked off with a scoff, as if I wasn't even worth the time to haze.
I thought about those grey eyes long into the night, as my friends and the others crawled into the dorms and fell asleep.
Chapter 4: Four
Notes:
Disclaimer: I don't own Divergent
Chapter Text
"Rise and shine Initiates!"
I awoke with a shriek and almost fell off the bed. Somehow I had managed to drift off for a few hours until Four had come in and shaken us all up by banging a metal pipe against an empty bed frame to wake us.
I watched groggily as the others all got up and started to get ready. Thankfully I had slept in my long sleeve shirt, and used the bedsheet to hide myself as I threw on a pair of leggings and then my basic workout trainers. I stepped into the bathroom and closed my eyes, hearing some of the others having showers while I brushed my teeth. It wasn't that I was a prude, I just knew if I had someone ogling me in the shower I wouldn't like it.
Not long later we were all in the training room, working on our punches. Four had us warm up by running laps until we were breathless, but I at least was happy that I had managed to keep up, and not even at the back of the pack. I was in between Chris and Matthew, trying my best to keep to the form Four had shown us. I could hear Paul and the two Candor transfers who had been glued to his side sniggering at something, but I tried my best to ignore it. Heat was rising to my cheeks and I could tell without looking I had gone beet red, but I kept trying. Matthew's words from the night before echoed in my mind, and if I turned to watch as my friends hit the punching bags, I could have seen that they seemed to be suffering the pain in their knuckles far more than I was.
"You call that a punch Initiate?"
I had no idea when Eric had joined us but I recognised his voice immediately, the sneer on his face evident through his words. I briefly glanced over to the far side, where Eric was busy berating Paul for his sloppy form. I could see that the former Erudite was having a problem with someone insulting his intelligence, and honestly I felt an animalistic glee in my chest at the sight. Sooner than I expected, Eric walked away from Paul, and bypassed Flint and Callum who were cowering at the thought of him starting on them. He stopped right behind my small group, his eyes on our backs. I continued as I had, putting even more effort into my hits than I was before in the hopes I wouldn't get picked on.
"It seems some of you should have taken a leaf out of Second Jumper's book here and bulked up before you got here."
I felt my cheeks burn at the thinly-veiled insult and continued punching, the pain radiating up from my knuckles helping me to focus. I wouldn't say I was used to anything in regards to my weight, I wouldn't think anyone would be, but I bit down on my lip to help keep myself grounded. Crying in front of Eric I was sure would be a punishable offence. I felt the hairs on the back of my sweaty neck prick up as he stepped towards me. His large and muscled body was practically against my back, and I could feel the heat coming off him. A breath hitched in the back of my throat and for the first time, I was truly afraid of what Eric might do.
"You're slowing down, Initiate. Not eat enough this morning? I would have bet you could fit more than a stiff in that mouth of yours."
Hell to that. I wasn't upset anymore, though I could still feel that telltale prick of tears in my eyes. But it wasn't fear; it was anger. Eric's words seemed to affect me more than anyone's had in my life, even my mother, but I didn't feel the need to hide away. I was angry, livid, and I suddenly imagined it was his face in the punch bag and felt myself put more weight into my punches, pummeling his imaginary face with all the strength I had. The chain holding the bag groaned, and with a final punch into Eric's smug, prick face, it hit the ground with a booming thud.
Everyone froze. You could have heard a pin drop in that room. Even Four was silent, having watched our interaction from the sidelines. I didn't dare lift up my eyes from the punch bag that was lying dead on the floor, my chest rising with my panting breath and abating anger.
"Drop and give me twenty." Eric's voice came through the silence, slicing it like a knife. It was a voice I hadn't heard from him, but recognised from my father. That quiet, violent voice that promised unspeakable things.
I did as asked; I wiped my sweaty palms on my legs, and dropped to the floor. I didn't dare question my form, knowing it probably wasn't correct but I wanted to get through this as quick as possible. I huffed through my teeth, my arms already aching from my punches and looking down, I could see the skin on my knuckles had been torn slightly from the friction against the punching bag. I pushed up, trying not to let my body sag against the floor but knew it was coming anyway. Chris was shifting from foot to foot next to me, as if getting ready to help me if I collapsed.
I felt a weight added to my back, and a loud groan came out of my mouth before I could stop it. The heels of the boot dug into my back, adding to the pain I was feeling. Eric's foot was right next to a spot that was still healing from before Choosing Day, and I prayed in my head that he didn't move.
"Keep going Initiate. You aren't to stop until I tell you. Or is the weight too much for you?"
Again, Eric didn't come out and say anything, but he didn't need to. I knew what he meant. If Paul had been brave enough, I'm sure he would have laughed in cruel agreement of Eric's displeasure at what he must have thought was a waste of an Initiate to Dauntless. My arms were shaking and my hands were slipping against the concrete floor; I didn't know how long I could go on for, and I hadn't been keeping count but I wouldn't put it past Eric to make me keep going past the twenty push-ups he had asked for.
Eric pressed down harder on my back, and it seemed my prayers would go unanswered. He shifted his foot, and the hard boot dug into the injury on my back. I cried out in pain, my arms wobbling and I was terrified at what might happen if I fell.
"That too rough for you? I said keep going!" he cried. I groaned again, and lowered myself to the floor, pushing with whatever strength I had left but I was struggling with the weight of him pushing down. My vision was going black around the edges, and for a brief moment I wished I had stayed in Erudite and faced the pain there instead of this one.
"That's enough Eric. If you end up killing her before ranking starts, you'll have to answer to Max for it," Four finally piped up, walking towards us. I stayed in my plank position, the elbow of my right arm dipping slightly. My eyes closed in satisfaction when I felt Eric lift off me, and I crumbled to the floor, coughing up a lung as crisp air met my spent lungs. I didn't hear the rest of Eric and Four's conversation, focusing more on pushing away the pain that was rushing around my body. I felt arms help drag my body up and place me against the cold wall of the training room. Four came into view, pushing a bottle of water towards me. His brow was furrowed, making his eyes seem darker. "Take a minute," he finally said, watching as I drank the water greedily. "I don't want to see you slacking." I think he meant it in a nice way, a way of helping me feel better about what had happened, but I don't think even Eric apologising on his knees would have helped any. I nodded, the best I could do to respond, and focused on breathing in and out and not passing out as he walked away. Chris and Sarah were both watching me, and I just about waved them away to say I was fine. Needless to say, when I was finally able to stand again and make my way to a fresh punching bag, I absolutely sucked. But Four never came and said anything, just watching me quietly as I tried not to withdraw completely in my head.
I didn't care when Chris snaked an arm around my waist to help me walk to the mess hall for lunch that afternoon. I felt drained and horrible, cold sweat sticking to me. He left me at a table and he, Sarah, Matthew and even Tara surrounded me like an impenetrable wall of people. My heart, as tired as it was, soared slightly at their protectiveness. No one dared mention what happened, we just ate in silence. I tried my best to fill myself up, but Eric's words and the feeling of his boot on my back kept coming back and making me feel sick. I slowly spooned some chicken and rice into my mouth, not even feeling the taste of them. I was basically a robot; my aching arm spooning food into my mouth, chewing it in response and swallowing the tasteless mush and doing it all over again.
Four made us run laps for the rest of the day, to start improving our stamina during our training. I didn't care this time that I was at the back, barely registering what was going on around me. I felt someone bump into me, and looked to see Four watching me cautiously. He had slowed down to keep pace with me as everyone else was up in front of us. He didn't say anything for a while. The company was nice actually, and I felt some semblance of strength come back to me and slowly I felt myself straighten my back and run slightly faster. Not fast enough to catch up to everyone, but I noticed that Four had picked up the pace as well and I felt better for it.
"You shouldn't let him get to you so much."
I turned my head slightly to watch him. His mouth was in a line, and it was obvious he wasn't happy with what had happened.
"You say that like it's easy," I huffed. My lungs were still burning, and it hurt to talk. Four inclined his head in response.
"It's not, but if you want him to leave you alone, you need to show that it doesn't get to you, and just focus on getting through training."
I shifted focus to look forwards again, mulling over his words. Again, what Matthew had said to me at dinner sprang back.
"Do you think it might be my advantage?"
Out of the corner of my eye I saw Four smirk slightly, and I was genuinely shocked to see any emotion other than indifference or annoyance on his face. His eyes met mine for a second, and he looked away again.
"Put it this way. Eric might have made some, choice comments," he gritted his teeth. "But he wasn't wrong. Unless initiates trained in secret before they came here, most won't have thought about building muscle mass or just putting on weight. Most of the factions don't even eat meat, or at least enough to be helpful. Out of everyone here, you're in the best position."
We finally came to a stop, and walked the few feet that were left before meeting up with the rest of the group. Four gave me a last look. "You put in the work, keep doing what you're doing, I don't doubt you'll be the best fighter here."
I thought about those words all night, and I finally felt my eyes close and fall into a deep, peaceful sleep, the first I had since finding out I was meant to be Dauntless.
It was after our run the next morning when Eric showed his face again in the training room.
"You will have two weeks to build yourselves up into our expectations of Dauntless," he said smugly, the only emotion other than terror I had seen him convey. "Then you will start on your ranked stages. There are three stages; physical, emotional and mental. Anyone who doesn't get into the top fifteen in each stage gets cut."
Emmie, whose stupidity was showing more and more by the day, spoke up. "What do you mean, cut? Like, we go back home?" Her voice trailed off. Eric sneered at her.
"Cut as in cut. No going home, no returning to any life you knew. You'll be factionless if you can't make it here."
I froze. I felt the familiar white-hot fear coursing through my body. I made the decision, the terrifying decision, to disobey my family, ruin everything, and if I wasn't cut out for it in Dauntless, I would have nothing. And then they could find me.
It was Tony this time who spoke up. He had largely ignored me since our first encounter on the train tracks, preferring to stay with the people he knew.
"Why didn't anyone tell us this before? This doesn't seem like a normal rule."
Eric marched into Tony's face, the chiseled cheekbones of what could be an attractive face contorting into a fearsome one.
"Would that have made you choose differently, Initiate? Stay at home with Mummy where it's safe? This is Dauntless," he looked around, meeting our eyes. His stayed on mine for a second longer. "We only take the best."
It was like his eyes pierced into the very recesses of my soul, churning up all those doubtful feelings I had about myself and brought them to the surface. I tried so hard to focus on my breathing, to not give anything away that he could see and pick on. It seemed to work, or maybe he just didn't care, because as soon as he was there, he was gone again. The whole room took a collective sigh, almost as if the air was lighter and fresher without him there. I briefly thought back to my original thoughts about him. Yes, he was a real man. But also a terrifying one, and my original hormone-fuelled thoughts seemed childish now.
Four told us that today, instead of working on our punches and building muscle, we'd have a go at rifle training and end the day with some weight training. It wasn't until we were up on the roof, Four handing each of us a rifle, that I felt my hands shake. I hadn't ever touched a rifle, any gun of any sort, but I knew the sounds it made and the feelings it brought. We spent ten or so minutes learning how to take it apart and put it back again, each time going faster and faster. I think I did alright, losing myself in the methodical nature of the task. Eventually I got there, one of the fastest to memorise the ways the different parts clicked together and came together as one. Holding it seemed to make the weight less of a struggle, and the overall thought of using one less fearful. Until Four started showing us how to shoot it.
"I want everyone watching how I do it, I'm not going to show you again," he said, lining his body up in what I'm sure was second-nature to him. Standing his feet shoulder-width apart, I started mimicking him as he went through the motions, hoping once again that detaching the method from the action itself would soothe me.
The sound of the piercing gunshot did not soothe me in the slightest.
My shaking hands returned, my breathing erratic as the sound bounced around my head, memories of the sound and my cries after it echoing. I was standing perfectly still, hearing the shots around me and I was the only one who hadn't fired yet.
"You're going to be ranked on this Cain. The target isn't going to come to you," Four said from behind me. I was glad our spots on the roof were spaced out, and the sounds of gunshots easily drowned out conversation unless you were right next to each other. I tried to focus on the warmth coming from Four, but I then kept imagining Eric behind me like he had been yesterday, and it didn't help me feel more comfortable. He placed a hand on my shoulder, not unlike how my father had done at the Choosing Ceremony, but I felt less malice behind it and more of a weight for my shooting arm.
"Deep breath in, tune out the sounds, and keep your thoughts on the target in front of you."
I followed Four's advice. Breathing in, breathing out. I did this for five counts, then opened my eyes that I hadn't realised I'd shut, and let an unnatural calmness take over me.
I took the shot.
Randomguy (Guest) on Chapter 4 Mon 17 May 2021 09:20AM UTC
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