Chapter Text
Shu Yi missed him like crazy, but he wasn’t willing to admit it or even accept it as truth, because his pride wouldn’t let him. Above all he needed to keep his head high no matter what. His father always taught him the importance of self respect, especially in their filed of work, and he also was the reason for Shu Yi’s over-sized ego. Pride was the only thing that was keeping him sane and away from messaging Shi De obsessively every hour of the day and night, asking him for any type of attention. Good or bad, at one point it stopped to matter at all.
His pride also prevented him from calling nonstop like an idiot. He only allowed himself to dial Shi De’s phone once in a while, mostly to listen to him rant about how expensive international calls were. Shu Yi would just concentrate on his voice without actually hearing the words he was saying and confess his love with a dumb smile while Shi De was in the middle of a sentence. I love you too, you dummy. Please learn how to use Skype next time. I want to be able to see you and not just scold you.
The only reason why Shu Yi wasn’t sending random gifts to Shi De’s stepfathers house in Texas every week was also his high sense of pride. Shu Yi saw the presents as a reminder that hey, I’m still here , so that Shi De wouldn’t somehow forget about him during their prolonged time apart.
One time he sent a dictionary with some colorful spelling workbooks for middle schoolers, joking that it would help with remembering their native tongue. Shu Yi mentioned a prize for completing them quickly and well. He used a suggestive emoji deliberately, but when Shi De sent him the finished workbooks back, he only got a well done sticker with a heart. That was when Shi De was in America for three months. Everything was still good at that time and Shu Yi was overly happy. Smiling from ear to ear from the moment he woke up, because there was always a good morning message on his phone.
Another time he sent a bunch of spices with a note. Shu Yi wanted to encourage Shi De to learn how to cook some spicy dishes, since they already had an agreement that Shi De would do all the cooking once they'd move in together. In response, to his disappointment, Shi De threatened him with Pei Shou Yi who was ready and willing to give an aggressive food related lecture anyplace and anytime.
Shu Yi sent him lots of different things. Some as jokes, some because he was worried, but most of them just because he thought of Shi De when he saw them. He knew he was acting foolish, but it was simply making him happier. Shu Yi liked Shi De’s reactions above all. The faces he made when they were on a video chat and Shu Yi asked him to open the gifts then.
He laughed for almost ten minutes when Shi De opened one particular package. It was a purchase totally influenced by the mischievous Yu Xin. Zhou Shu Yi, what the hell is that? Why do you want me to wear elephant underwear? You’re sharing your weird fetishes with me only now? You have too much money, donate to charity if you like spending it so much.
The last time Shu Yi sent him anything happened when Shi De was in America for over fifteen months already. By that time he was already feeling miserable and stupid. They were hardly emailing, not to mention face-timing since they haven't done that in almost four months. Shi De was taking more and more time to answer. Shu Yi’s pride wasn’t the way it used to be either, because he was getting desperate day by day. His new reality was full of worry and emptiness. He didn’t know what was happening and why.
Shi De did say that it was because his mom was getting sick often and he needed to take over some of her responsibilities at work, but Shu Yi was pretty sure there was way more to it. Shi De tried to make it seem like it wasn’t a big deal, but he wasn’t convincing at all.
Shu Yi sent him a huge package with Shi De’s favorite Taiwanese snacks hoping this would warm the atmosphere and help fix his mood. It was half of his body weight, since he was already running out of ideas. That was also the last time he got any type of feedback from Shi De. A short thank you email five days after the box was delivered, that was all there was.
Thank you for all the snacks, my mom is very happy to have some taste of home. Thank you, Shu Yi. I hope you’re doing well.
It took him almost a week to write that. No ‘I miss you’, no ‘I love you’, no “I hope to see you soon”, not even a question like ‘how are you?”. Nothing that suggested he wanted to open a conversation. Just three sentences that felt like sharp knives and a strong kick to his gut. They were forever burned into Shu Yi's mind, giving him such a bitter aftertaste that it was hard to swallow.
Shu Yi had a hard time eating for a few days after that, since his stomach issues loved to remind him of their existence in times of stress. When he went grocery shopping for the first time in his life with Bing Wei to kill some time and learn the basics of cooking from him, he almost cried seeing carrots. He just stood there watching the vegetables and his mind was bombarded with memories of the past when Shi De cooked for him so many times.
Fucking carrots.
Fucking Gao Shi De always telling him to eat them. And fucking Shu Yi for doing everything he told him to, time after time with little complaining. He felt like a completely pathetic person.
Shu Yi has always been making fun of people around their age that were really desperate in a relationship that barely even started. Idiotically adjusting their whole lives and futures for only one person without a backup plan, but there he was. Smelling that god damned sweater sprayed generously by Shi De with his cologne. The one Shi De left him as a joke a day before leaving. The very one he was holding while crying under the covers in his bed way too many times, like a child.
He was watching the videos they took together before Shi De’s leaving and touching his own face the way Shi De did for hours when they used to spend their nights at his place. It didn’t feel as comforting as Shu Yi hoped, but something was better than nothing. He closed his eyes because it made it easier to pretend Shi De was near. He was slowly losing the respect he had for himself for so long.
After a few months of waiting and receiving less and less short messages, Shu Yi’s yearning and sadness turned into suffering, anger and for the first time in his life - self doubt. Only a truly pitiful person would hold onto a long distance relationship that didn’t even last half a year. Especially with someone who knowingly held back crucial information from him since the very beginning.
He knew very well what his friends thought.
Zheng Wen even told him once that maybe Shu Yi should let go of Shi De and heal from him. They had a big fight after that and Shu Yi hit his friend for the first time in his life. It took them weeks to speak to each other again, but when they did, it was Zheng Wen who apologized first and Shu Yi was crying in his arms for more than one reason. Both of them pretended that it never happened afterwards, Shu Yi was too prideful and Zheng Wen just felt awkward. It must have been hard for him to see a friend in such a poor state.
Yu Xin thought the same thing as her boyfriend, even if she didn’t say it out loud. Shu Yi saw it in her eyes. That pity that he couldn’t stand. She began treating him differently too, as if he was going to shatter at any moment.
They were walking on eggshells around him. They even stopped kissing and holding hands when Shu Yi was near because they noticed he always looked pained since he couldn’t do the same with Shi De. To a point he understood why they were so careful. He knew that he was snapping a lot at the people around, but he always apologized.
His father found out about Shi De in the meantime, somehow. They fought, too. Shu Yi was letting all of his negative emotions out on his father, and the other man was doing the same exact thing. Suddenly fighting because of his relationship with Shi De turned into a fight about everything they could remember that happened in the past years, no matter how petty and small it was. They were yelling stuff at each other that they didn’t even mean just to make one another suffer.
Shu Yi brought up his mother unfairly against his father, and said that he wasn’t taking care of her properly when she was sick. He said it was the reason why Shu Yi mainly remembered her from photos and videos. His father froze and the look he gave kept hunting Shu Yi in his nightmares. He got back at Shu Yi by telling him that the only reason why he was ever liked by others was thanks to the money they had. They kept yelling at each other after that for almost an hour longer.
Shu Yi was still hurt over his father calling him an abnormal moron weeks later, at the same time his father was losing sleep over Shu Yi calling him unlovable and a disgusting human being.
It took three months for them to have a normal conversation again and a big bottle of old whiskey to admit their wrongdoings and not choke on the words ‘I’m sorry’. Three months. Almost as long as he was dating Shi De when he was still in Taipei. Surprisingly it brought Shu Yi and his father closer. The anger, spite and all the grudges they held against each other for years were gone and forgiven so only love was left. They were a family after all.
Shu Yi still felt bitter despite that above all. Bitter, angry and hurt.
He was angry at Gao Shi De, at himself, at his own father at times, too. And at Yu Xin and Zheng Wen, who after graduation never seemed to have much time for him. Maybe they didn’t know how to act around Shu Yi anymore, so they decided to distance themselves and go their own way. Shu Yi knew it was his fault, at least partly. He was getting more and more easily irritated after each month and they also had theirs issues, but he was so miserable he didn’t care.
He was even angry at Bing Wei and Zhe Yu, who were the only ones that bothered to check on him from time to time, even though they were already awfully busy looking for a house to buy from the inheritance given by Zhe Yu’s grandparents. Shu Yi already bought them a ton of gifts and was waiting for them to move in together to shower them with all the stuff he got. Spoiling the people around him was always giving him some comfort, so he was doing it partly for himself, too. To feel a little bit less hollow, even if just for a moment.
Shu Yi sometimes hated how cute Bing Wei and Zhe Yu were together, and with how much love they looked at one another. The way they kissed and held hands, the soft voices they used to speak, the lame pet names and how they always said ‘we’ instead of ‘I’. It made him suffer in a way he never thought was possible. He was nuts to miss something he never knew he wanted to have before.
God, how much he wanted that ‘we’ with Gao Shi De.
And then he felt embarrassed and more angry at himself for being stupid and greedy, for having envy towards his friends for being happy together while he was lonely and missing Shi De, even thought he was suffering daily because of him. He even caught himself one time thinking of how much different his life would be at that time if he never dated Shi De and instead was with Bing Wei. He felt disgusted with himself.
Shu Yi was telling himself that if Shi De was to suddenly appear out of thin air again, he wouldn’t take him back that easily. He wanted Shi De to understand just how much he suffered in the time they were apart. How much Shi De not contacting him felt like getting rejected day by day. How worthless and hollow he felt each time he woke up alone and with no new messages. How he had nightmares with Shi De drilling holes in his heart with a cruel smile. How much he cried holding that stupid sweater few times a week.
Shu Yi wanted Shi De to fight for him, to fight for their relationship and the future he promised they would have. He desired Shi De to make him believe in his love again, because after seventeen months of not seeing each other and with the limited contact, Shu Yi was beginning to think that maybe Shi De didn’t actually love him as much as he was saying.
Maybe the time apart made his feelings fade gradually. Things like that happened all the time after all. Only Shu Yi was naive enough to not even consider it a possibility before. He thought their love was too great for that, that it was something most people could only pray for and see in the movies. His father was occasionally right and he was right about that. Long distance relationships were fragile and Shu Yi was too young to truly understand how love actually worked.
Shi De was in America for over a year.
A week was enough to change someone's life, not to mention a year. Shi De could have a whole different life there without Shu Yi knowing anything. He already had a new family. Shu Yi remembered him mentioning how his stepfather's relatives were kind and nice. He probably had some new acquaintances too, that Shu Yi didn’t know about at all. He could be doing anything in that time. He could be doing anyone.
Maybe he liked being in Texas more than in Taiwan. Maybe he considered America his new home, new life. What was the point of going back if he liked the present better? But maybe he wanted Shu Yi to move there as well but was afraid of asking? Was he hoping Shu Yi would be the one to suggest it?
Shu Yi sometimes had nightmares that Shi De was with someone else. He could never see a face, or whether it was a man or a woman, but they were there in Shi De’s warm arms. When Shu Yi went over to them, Shi De didn’t recognize him at all. Only gave a polite, but uncomfortable smile and began fading away.
“Shu Yi! I’m home! Your favorite dad came back! The best dad!” He heard his father yell out. Shu Yi quickly got up from under the covers, wiped the tears off his face and cleared his throat, hoping his father wouldn't notice how red his eyes were. And how puffy his face was. He left his room faking a yawn. A nap would be a good excuse for the way he looked.
“What are you doing here, dad? Weren’t you supposed to be in Germany for another week?” Shu Yi asked with a frown.
He hoped he would be able to dwell in his own misery for another week without hiding in his room the whole time. His father sighed after putting down his luggage and walked to Shu Yi to give him a brief hug. Shu Yi clenched his fists to stop himself from clinging onto his father and quickly took a step back. He didn't want to break down in front of him again. He was still embarrassed about the last time. Shu Yi felt too old to cry while his father comforted him.
“I came back sooner. Seems like it was a good decision. Besides, I have something to talk to you about.”
“I’m fine.”
“Very fine evidently. Exactly as fine as you are for months now.” He said, pointing at Shu Yi’s face with his finger.
“Dad.”
“Just hear me out, okay, kid? Let’s sit, my old knees hurt.” They sat on the sofa and Shu Yi waited for his father to speak up. He wasn’t sure he wanted to know what kind of idea grew in his head since the last time they saw each other a week before. One time his father mentioned a hit-man with a straight face and Shu Yi weeks later still wasn’t sure if that was a joke or not. His dad did have a very specific humor, but his eyes were serious when he said that. His father also tended to act very rashly and stupidly. Shu Yi sometimes wondered which one of them needed more supervision.
“Okay, I’ll bite. Share your questionable wisdom.” Shu Yi got a flick on the forehead for that. His father kept his arm around Shu Yi’s shoulders and pulled him closer. He allowed himself to lean on his dad a bit more that time. The smell of his fathers cologne could always make him more at peace.
“I think it’s time for you to either get closure, or to fight for him if you think he’s worth it.” He said very carefully with a soft voice. Shu Yi tightened his lips. It was surprisingly a reasonable idea, but even thinking of that was aching. He already had a ton of possible ways it could go in his head and most of them were bad for him. “And I think you can tell how hard it is for me to say it, because I hate that bratty gnome.” Shu Yi let out a surprised chuckle.
“A gnome?” His father ruffled his hair.
“You can’t wait for him forever and I know you want to, but it won’t do you any good, Shu Yi. Don’t waste your life like that.” Hearing that from someone else's mouth seemed just plain dumb. That was what he said he’ll do months ago. When he still had a little bit more confidence and trust in Shi De’s love unconditionally. He took a deep breath. It would be easier for him if he were to go see Shi De those months before, not when doubting began occupying his head.
“I’m scared.” He said after a while and his father pulled him closer. Shu Yi was scared of so many things, but the truth seemed the most frightening. He was scared he wouldn’t be able to handle it.
“I know. And I wish I could do that instead of you, but I can go with you if you want. I’ll stay at the hotel while you two deal with what you have to do. No matter the outcome, I’ll stand by you. And also if you decide he needs a good beating, two people are better than one. Remember that.” Shu Yi laughed again and couldn’t stop for a while after his father winked excessively like a character from a comedy sketch. His dad always knew how to make him chuckle in the worst moments. “I can even beat him up myself if you don’t want to join.”
“Dad, please.”
Shu Yi was very tempted to take the offer of going together and he almost did, but then he remembered what his fathers assistant told him a few weeks before. That the atmosphere between his father and the board of directors was getting tense, since he was more busy with Shu Yi and not the work and they had a lot of big deals coming.
“So?”
“No, dad. You can’t neglect the company for me anymore. I can already see Aunt Ito’s claws growing for more shares and influence.” That woman had only one ambition in life and it was money. She was a distant cousin of his father, but they were nothing alike, not in regards to personality nor looks. “She’s like a comic book villain.”
“Did you know that when you saw her for the first time when you were around five you cried the moment she looked at you?”
“Sounds very likely. I don’t think there’s a child that is not afraid of her.”
Suddenly his father stood up and took his phone out of his pocket.
“I’ll call my assistant to get you a plane ticket for tomorrow and find you a nice hotel. No point in stalling anymore. Do you want me to help you pack?” Shu Yi’s heart skipped a bit. Was he really going to go? Did he really want to? He ran his hands through his hair and shook his head.
“It’s okay. You can order some food while I pack.”
His father nodded with a small smile and Shu Yi went to his bedroom. He didn’t want to go and at the same time he felt excited to finally see Shi De. He scolded himself, muttering that he really was a sick fool to feel like that. His self respect went a few points lower than it was an hour earlier.
How could he feel glad to be going? How messed up was it? He shouldn't be happy. He wasn’t going there to jump into Shi De’s arms like in some sort of romantic comedy. He was going there to hit him. And to yell at him. To let him know how hurt he was over Shi De’s actions and to leave the final decision for him, without hoping for anything. A part of him knew that he would never be fully over Shi De, he had already accepted that long ago. Shu Yi just wanted to keep some of his self respect intact, he didn’t want to be played with anymore if that was happening then.
Shu Yi made a promise to himself that he would not let Shi De get him back so easily. He kissed his mothers ring to make it more meaningful for himself. As if he was promising her that he wouldn’t sink so low for a man. That she would never have to look at her son willingly strip his dignity away for anyone.
He put his empty backpack on the bed after taking it from the closet. It was the same one he used throughout the last years of university. He had no idea what to pack and how much clothes to take. He didn’t know for how long he was going to be gone either.
Shu Yi decided that above all he valued comfortable traveling. No huge bags, no heavy and troublesome suitcases. Everything else he could just buy after landing and getting to the hotel. It wasn’t like there were no stores in America. There was no need to take everything with him when he could just get it there and ship it home before going back.
He checked the weather in the city where Shi De lived before choosing the clothes. It was supposed to be hot and sunny, so he put some random shirts in the bag and three pairs of jeans. He didn’t bother with folding his clothes. He didn’t know how to anyway. Shu Yi always considered it a useless skill.
He smiled to himself remembering that time Shi De called him a messy sloth and emptied his whole closet of tangled clothes to fold them prettily and put them right back inside. It took him over an hour and during most of that time he was cutely scolding Shu Yi.
“Focus, you idiot.” Shu Yi muttered to himself.
Laptop, a charger for it, and a phone charger were essentials, so he carefully added those to the mess of mismatched socks and folds of shirts. Wallet with all his documents and cards was skillfully hidden in another part of the backpack. Everything else he was just going to buy, or even order online and have it delivered to his hotel room. Shu Yi packed that damn sweater as well after staring at it for a minute. It was always easier for him to sleep when he had it beside him.
Shu Yi spent the rest of the day with his father in the living room. They decided to have a movie marathon, but it was actually his fathers suggestion to ease Shu Yi’s nerves. He picked Shu Yi’s favorite franchise after all and even got some comfort candy before promising to drive with him to the airport in the morning. Shu Yi was really grateful for that. He knew that no matter what he could always go to his dad and he would help him work things out.
He couldn't sleep well that night, although it was not a surprise. Shu Yi always had a hard time sleeping in times of stress like almost everyone else. He decided to pick up his favorite short novel and read it all over again to pass some time. Knowing that his flight would take almost a whole day, he decided to put a different book in his backpack. He only hoped he would be able to focus on reading. Almost anything was better than letting his mind roam free. He’ll at least have something to occupy his head with. No useless thoughts allowed.
Shu Yi had no idea what to do with himself on the plane.
He couldn't focus on reading and kept finding himself staring blankly at the same word, so after an hour of forcing himself to focus and failing, he tossed the book away. He didn't feel like watching anything either. He was convinced he would have the same problem with paying attention to what was happening on the screen. All the movies he was recommended by the flight attendant were either romantic movies or horrors. Shu Yi truly had no idea what was worse. At least there were no movies about airplane disasters. He guessed they didn’t want to scare the passengers.
Shu Yi didn’t feel like talking to anyone online either, and besides only his father knew that he was going to America so abruptly. He didn’t tell anyone because he didn’t want to lose his face. He was way too anxious to speak about it and was determined not to learn what kind of crazy theories his friends could have.
Bing Wei was interested in crime shows for the past year, occupational hazard as he called it. Shu Yi was worried what kind of Criminal Minds plot would he add to Shi De’s resume. Zhe Yu smacked his boyfriend each time for saying that, since he was working in a completely different field of law.
Zheng Wen and Yu Xin would probably be angry at him and tell him that he has finally lost his mind. He could hear the ‘we told you so, you should let go of him, he only hurt you in the end more than anything’ and they would be right to a point. They probably believed Shi De forgot about him. But in the end the final decision was up to Shu Yi. It was his relationship, others were just onlookers that didn’t even know half of it. They had no idea how deeply he loved Shi De and how far he was willing to go for him.
Zhe Yu would just yell. A lot. For a very long time. That man could scream for hours everyday and his throat would be fine. He would bring a lot of good points to consider regarding Shi De since he knew him pretty well too, but he also didn’t know everything.
Bing Wei would just sigh and ask Shu Yi to be careful. He would also try to lighten the situation with some stupid jokes about how Shi De is probably on the run from the law for white collar crimes. At the end of the day he would worry for Shu Yi so much he wouldn't be able to sleep well, and then Zhe Yu would yell at him too. And then yell some more at Shu Yi.
Out of all the people Shu Yi was close with, Bing Wei was the most understanding one. No matter how stupid something was, he always stuck with Shu Yi if it could make him feel better. He was the same to everyone else. Even the people he didn’t know well. Zhe Yu was a lucky bastard and he knew that very well.
Listening to the music was also out of the question for the duration of the flight, because all his favorite songs reminded him of Shi De. He cursed his past self for making Shi De listen to them with him. He should have kept something only for himself.
They used to cuddle a lot on Shi De’s bed after study dates when it was already dark outside and their emptied dinner plates were on his nightstand. It was Shi De who had asked him to put some music on, so they wouldn't fall asleep. Shu Yi created a whole playlist for their cozy evenings on Shi De’s Spotify account and put all the slow and soft sounding songs that he liked. He wondered if Shi De kept it on his account. Did he listen to the songs from time to time? Did he still remember which songs Shu Yi liked more than others? Shu Yi hoped he did.
He was thinking of what to do after knocking on Shi De's front doors. He hoped his mom wouldn't be home, Shu Yi liked and respected her too much to punch Shi De in front of her. He didn’t really want to see her anyway, she never replied to his messages either, except for that one time. She also stopped reading his messages after that, so Shu Yi eventually stopped trying to reach her, too. As much as he didn’t want, he still held a grudge against her for that. He was convinced everything would be easier if she were to just tell him something.
I’m sorry Yi, that stubborn donkey asked me not to tell you anything, I’m really sorry.
Would it be better to show anger or be indifferent? He kept asking himself. Shi De wouldn't believe his indifference anyway. Why would Shu Yi be in America knocking on his doors if he didn't care anymore? At the same time, did he have the right to be angry? Or to even be there? It’s been so long after all. Shi De’s been gone for way longer than they dated in Taipei. No, he couldn’t think that way, he was already holding on to the last strands of his bravery, if he’d start having more and more doubts, he would just turn back and go home.
Shu Yi just hoped he wouldn't cry. That would be a whole different low he couldn't allow himself to reach. He wanted Shi De to know he was hurt, but he didn’t want Shi De to know just how weak that made him. He was too scared that it could be used against him.
His stomach was bothering him more than usual since the previous night. He couldn't fully get rid of the uncomfortable feeling no matter how much meds he took, but that was something he expected to happen. Shu Yi was extremely nervous. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt that level of stress. Not even finals or sex talk with his father got close.
After landing and getting to the hotel by taxi, he decided to go shopping. He had half a day and a night to waste, and he really didn’t want to stay in the hotel by himself for so long. Shu Yi had to do something to keep himself busy.
First he got some food and a coffee with four espresso shots to wake himself up properly. Shu Yi later took a hot shower and went out with only his phone and wallet.
Spending money was always nice and he got some stuff for his friends as well. There was a jacket he knew Zhe Yu would like and a tie in Bing Wei’s style. He found a necklaces Zheng Wen could wear, but buying it made him feel slightly bitter, same with the watch for Yu Xin. Shu Yi wanted to buy something for his dad too, but he couldn't think of anything except of a pair of fancy Versace cuff-links and a silk tie. His father already had a ton of these, but he still bought them. He didn’t want to go home empty handed, especially when his dad always got something for him from his trips.
Shu Yi stopped himself in time before he got something with Shi De in mind. He always wanted to see him in a dark blue suit with a tight vest. Black tie and a silver tie clip. Shu Yi quickly left the store and slapped himself mentally. At that point the word pathetic felt too weak to describe him. He was becoming tragically dense.
He hoped that Shi De would be at least a little bit happy to see him. That he’ll smile at him and pull Shu Yi into a tight long hug. He knew it was stupid, but Shu Yi just really missed being in his arms. At the same time, he wanted to slap Shi De. Slap him hard and then kiss it better. And then, depending on the quality of his explanation and apology, slap or kiss him once more.
For the first time in a long time he allowed himself to look at the bracelet he got from Shi De for longer than a second. He smiled remembering that night he was given the accessory. Shi De impressed him so much with his declaration that Shu Yi went down on his knees right there outside and sucked him off, without any care that someone would see. The look on Shi De’s face and the way he bit his lips to keep quiet had Shu Yi act smugly for days. He definitely got more confident in his skills after that.
“See you tomorrow. You better be ready.” He whispered to it, before kissing the pendant tenderly. He fell asleep with a good and hopeful feeling for the next day.
Shu Yi spent over an hour getting ready to leave. He woke up around seven in the morning and almost tripped on his run from the bed to the bathroom mirror to check if he had grown any pimples on his face during the night. His eyes were a little bit red but it was nothing that good eye drops couldn’t fix, besides that everything was good. He looked well rested for how little he actually slept that night. Shu Yi took it as a good sign.
He kept changing clothes and fixing his hair after every t-shirt. He wanted to look his best, but also didn’t want it to seem like he was making a big effort even though he totally was. At first he dressed in the outfit Shi De liked best on him, but decided against it pretty quickly. Shu Yi tried on all the clothes he got the day before and spent embarrassingly long in front of the mirror on the inside wall of the closet he discovered by him minutes before. In the end he picked the most casual looking outfit. He was already annoyed with himself for taking so much time.
"Stupid." He muttered looking at his reflection. Shi De was making a moron out of him the closer he was.
He should seem cold and somewhat angry, so that Shi De would start explaining himself right away. He wanted him to worry and apologize out of fear of losing Shu Yi. He needed Shi De to understand that he was not to be taken as granted. It should be Shi De’s ass sweating from all the tension and anxiety, not his own. At least that one time he should have control over what was happening.
Shu Yi almost skipped breakfast because of his upset stomach, but he knew it was only caused by his nerves. He already took his medication and drank some calming herbal tea that surprisingly helped with the discomfort. He knew that if he were to leave with an empty stomach he would probably need Shi De's help and that would just be humiliating.
Shu Yi took a few deep breaths in hopes of becoming more peaceful and dialed room service to order a light meal. He called his father while he ate to have company and hopefully receive some word of advice. "Don't give in too easily" and "put on ugly underwear" wasn't what he initially hoped for but he still took it to heart out of desperation and the lack of trust he had in his self control.
He was happy that his father became so casual about it. Shu Yi was already an adult, but his dad had a hard time seeing him for what he was. He still had that scared little boy in front of his eyes that he needed to protect no matter what. The one that cried in a hospital asking every doctor to save his mommy.
At first it was completely horrifying to discuss his sex life with his father. Especially when he felt the need to explain everything to Shu Yi, from the hygiene standpoint but also regarding some positions. He really never thought he would hear the word ‘anal’ from his own father, and Shu Yi was convinced his life would be better that way. It was nice to know how much his father cared to be educated on the topic, although he seemed a little bit too enthusiastic at times. After a while they learned how to joke about it all and the initial awkwardness was gone, but there was stuff Shu Yi would rather keep to himself.
Shu Yi checked the location of Shi De’s home on google maps again. He made sure to learn about the surroundings a little bit while he was at it, since he liked to be informed. He made a mental note of all the taxi stops in the area and other types of public transportation, as well as potential places to see just in case.
There was a well rated restaurant near one of the taxi stops. It seemed to be around ten or so minutes walk from Shi De’s place. It felt silly to view the menu they had, but Shu Yi already had an idea in mind. Shi De has probably eaten there lots of times, so he would know best what to order. They could have dinner there one day.
Shu Yi saw a lot of local stores and small bakeries, but nothing that really could catch his eye. The area Shi De lived in was pretty far from the city centre. Shu Yi figured it was nicer to live away from the busy streets and all the bars and nightclubs. The taxi ride from his hotel was supposed to take a little over an hour. He was told it was mainly because of the roads under reconstruction.
Between the restaurant and Shi De’s house was a pretty big park with a pond in the middle. Shu Yi wondered if there were any ice cream parlors there, or some other food stands. Maybe hot dogs, it seemed like something that could be there.
It wasn't his first visit abroad or in America, but all the times he traveled before he was on short business trips with his father. Shu Yi mostly stayed back in the hotel and swam in the pool or just played video games in their room. He didn’t really like to walk around a new place on his own and his dad was usually too busy to tour the city like actual tourists.
Shu Yi took a cab from the hotel and asked to be driven to that restaurant. He wanted to see the building and look around a little bit. The architecture was very different from what he was used to, even the roads were unfamiliar. He decided to walk through the park to Shi De’s place, since he saw on google maps a small road that would lead him almost at his doorstep.
The weather was nice and warm, although the air seemed a bit dry. It was definitely very different from how humid Taipei was. Shu Yi could feel that he was far from home just by that. He wondered if Shi De noticed it too after his plane landed. Did he still consider Taiwan his home? Or did America really grow on him this much? Maybe that was the reason he didn’t come back yet. Maybe he didn’t want to.
Shu Yi scolded himself again. There was no point in making himself upset by assumptions when he was so close to learning the truth. He only hoped Shi De would be home. Waiting for him to be back from somewhere would make Shu Yi feel dumb.
When he walked into the park he was surprised by how many people there were. Whole families with dogs were sitting on the grass and enjoying their time, children were running around and playing together or with the dogs and the happy atmosphere made him smile. It was a perfect day to hide under a tree from the burning sun and have some snacks or cold drinks outside. It was loud, but it was the good kind. Lots of laughing and happy screaming.
“Shi De! Have a bite, please.” He suddenly heard a woman say and froze in place. For a moment he forgot how to breathe and move as if had become a statue. He must have been really close, it wasn’t like that name was popular in Texas. Shu Yi looked to the side from where he heard the voice and there he was.
Gao Shi De. Not even twenty meters away from him. Sitting comfortably on a blanket with a huge smile on his face that made Shu Yi snivel out loud. Oh how much it burned to see him like that, as if someone poured acid all over his skin. Shu Yi missed him so much for so long and he suddenly was so close. So good looking, so happy. And having a picnic with a blonde woman and… a child?
She was feeding Shi De a piece of cake with some cream from her hand and wiped his mouth from the crumbs. Shu Yi stood so close to them, that if Shi De would move his head a little bit he would be spotted. A big part of him hoped for that. That he would see and run up Shu Yi. Please notice me. See me.
“You eat as messily as he does.” She laughed pointing at the child. Shi De chuckled and it hurt to hear him laugh so warmly for someone else. Shi De has never been too close with people outside of his family, never really cared for making long term friendships. The only exception was Shu Yi, but they were supposed to become a family of their own. They were supposed to get married.
“Can you hand me Oli's juice? I think he’s thirsty.” Said Shi De in English. He was the one holding the baby. The woman nodded and quickly ate the rest of the cake she was holding before turning to the bag behind her. The same cake she fed Shi De with not long before.
Shu Yi took a step forward. He was shaking from anger. Gao Shi De couldn’t bother to message him once a week, or even once a month, but there he was having a nice picnic with some woman and a small child. He didn’t seem as busy as he was always making it be. Yawning each time they face-timed, drinking a few cups of coffee daily, even falling asleep during their calls two or three times making Shu Yi watch him sleep for hours.
“We should take your mom out for dinner tonight, she’s working too much again.” The blonde said and Shu Yi froze all over again. She must have been not only close to Shi De, but also to his mother.
Shu Yi felt as if someone just slapped him back to reality.
Was that the reason Shi De and his mom kept secrets from him? That blonde and the child? Who did they have Shu Yi for? He treated Shi De’s mother like his own family, she was closer in his heart than most of his relatives, but it seemed it wasn’t as reciprocated as he thought if he got replaced so easily. Shu Yi felt so stupid. He really thought him and Shi De would live together, have a dog and a bunny and a beautiful wedding before the age of twenty five.
He wondered if there was a ring on Shi De’s finger already. Or maybe there was one on her hand and they were planning their big beautiful day together.
Shu Yi really was naive thinking that he and Shi De would be together forever. That they would never have real issues in their relationship. How could they? They loved each other so much after all. Shu Yi would die for Shi De, and he would do it with a smile on his face. He would do anything.
He watched them laugh for a little longer, he wanted to make sure it wasn’t a misunderstanding, but they seemed very close and had no issues with touch, especially when the blonde leaned on Shi De’s arm and took the baby from him.
Shu Yi decided that he had enough. He felt sick watching them. Especially Shi De. Shu Yi thought they missed each other the same way, just that Shi De was busy and probably had some issues he didn’t want to worry Shu Yi with. But the way he smiled and looked at the baby told a different story.
Instead of approaching them, he just turned back and ran. Just like he did when he heard Yu Xin confess to Zheng Wen when they still studied in university, but the pain he was feeling back then was nothing in comparison to what he felt after seeing Shi De being intimate with that girl.
His worst nightmare came true. Not even that, it was worse. Way worse. There was no child in his nightmares.
Gao Shi De moved on. He must have stopped loving him some time after leaving Taiwan. Shu Yi became so unimportant for him, that he didn’t even feel the need to actually break up with him. Maybe he felt bad for doing so through email. Or maybe he didn’t think of them as a couple anymore after being gone for a few months. Maybe in Shi De’s head they were just old friends that fooled around for a while before he found the real thing.
The only reason why Shu Yi even went to the airport in Taipei was because he was sure he was still taking some space in Shi De’s heart, even if it wasn’t as big as before. He was so stupidly convinced Shi De would fight for him. Sure, he was scared Shi De could have found someone else, but that fear was put under the ‘unlikely to happen’ category in his head.
How will he face his father? How will he face anyone? What else could he tell them except for the fact that he apparently wasn’t enough? Shu Yi could already see the pity everyone would feel for him. Poor Zhou Shu Yi thought his first big love would be forever, that stupid naive kid. He waited for his lover to come back to him, meanwhile the lover had not only someone new but also a child already.
Shu Yi didn’t cry until he got to his hotel room. He was actually amazed he held on for that long, maybe he was just too shocked by what he saw. It felt so terrible to think it was a good thing he learned all about the taxi stops near Shi De’s home.
He emptied the mini bar in his room while watching every single picture and video he had of Gao Shi De. He wondered how similar that child was to him already, and what kind of person was that blonde. She must have been amazing to get Shi De’s attention. Much better than Shu Yi. She probably wasn’t as hotheaded as him.
Shu Yi fell asleep after a few hours of sobbing and saw the scene from the morning in his dream.
He was back in front of the restaurant once more two hours after he woke up.
Shu Yi wasn’t even sure he was fully sober at that point, he was pretty convinced he had never drank as much as he did the night before in one go. Mixing vodka with whiskey and gin and every other kind of mini wine that was there only to puke it all out not too long after. The only thing he had left untouched was the champagne. It seemed like a mean joke to drink it in such a pitiful state. The bottle was taunting him the whole time so he hid it under the bed.
Shu Yi didn’t care that time about looking good or well rested. He didn’t try on a few different outfits to pick the best one in front of the full length mirror like the day before and just went for the first thing he could reach from the floor. He tried not to look at himself, but from the short glance he got accidentally in the bathroom mirror he was sure everyone would be able to tell he was pathetically drowning himself in booze not even ten hours earlier.
Shu Yi took a lengthy shower to get rid of the smell of the alcohol and brushed his teeth until his gums bleed just to be sure. He didn’t bother enough to dry his hair properly. It was warm outside anyway so it wasn’t as if he would get sick. Shu Yi only used some hair gel so that he wouldn't have his own hair in his eyes or mouth.
His brain didn’t even register that he should eat some breakfast. Shu Yi had doubts he would be able to swallow anything anyway. His throat hurt a little bit from the puking and his stomach still felt heavy and uncomfortable.
He left the hotel in a rush of adrenaline. Gao Shi De was going to end up with a broken nose after that day. And maybe even with some missing teeth if Shu Yi will be able to kick that high after years of not training any martial arts. Shu Yi was very determined to give him that unpleasant surprise. He deserved at least that for what he had to watch and go though.
All that time before he thought that since it was Shi De who was chasing after him, their relationship would always look somewhat similar. That it will be Shi De reaching out for him most of the time, but it seemed like Zhe Yu’s stupid donkey theory was true. Gao Shi De got what he wanted, played a bit and got bored once he was done and the excitement subsided.
Shu Yi never fully believed in the doubts he was having, it was just his fears that took over his head most of the time. He thought they would go away the moment he’d see Shi De. How cruel was his own stupidity.
He couldn’t bring himself to walk through the park again, so he went around it. Shu Yi didn’t enjoy the weather like the day before and the laughter of children was only annoying him further. He walked so quickly in the burning sun that when he got to his destination he was out of breath.
Shu Yi was standing in front of Shi De’s house, near a letterbox that looked the same way as in the movies. Normally he would laugh, but his mood was way too low for that. He wasn’t sure how long he stood there like a complete idiot, but he felt frozen in place from fear. The house was nice and it even had a well kept backyard with a small patio and some flowers. Shu Yi could see some toys on the patio table and it felt like a cruel reminder that there was a child now in Shi De’s life.
He was too scared to move and take a step forward. He didn’t know who would open the door and what he could hear. What if Shi De would tell him to leave? Hearing that would just kill him on the spot.
He almost ran back again to the hotel and the anger he felt at himself gave him the push he needed to take the next few steps and ring the doorbell. He couldn’t just leave again. He wasn’t a child anymore. Shu Yi needed to face it. Face him. He would never forgive himself if he would just leave.
His heart stopped when he heard the door open slowly. Everything in him told him to just flee, he didn’t care who would see it. Screw facing Shi De. Shu Yi was willing to live his life with no self respect. Whoever was on the other side of the doors would just see some crazy guy running away without looking back. He bit his lower lip and clenched his fists so hard his nails were digging into his skin. The stinging of that helped him regain some of his focus back.
“Oh, hello.” Said the surprised blonde from behind the half opened doors. She gave him a polite, but confused smile. Shu Yi just stared at her with wide eyes and an open mouth without knowing what to say.
She was pretty and tall. The kind smile made it hard for Shu Yi to hate her. He felt stupid for that. Why would he hate that random girl? She probably didn’t know anything about him, or even if she did, it was most likely not full truth or just lies. Gao Shi De is the one he was supposed to hate, not her. She was just another victim of his charms.
“Uh...” He choked out and his mouth felt dry as if he didn't drink anything for days in the scorching heat. The girl's face changed and Shu Yi had no clue as to why she would look so happy and excited. Did she like random uninvited guests so much? That couldn't be safe. Did Shi De like the reckless type?
"Oh, my! Hi!" She opened the doors fully and took a step back. Shu Yi just looked at her as if she was crazy. "Shi De! For you! Get your ass down here quickly!” She yelled looking at the stairs on the side and looked back at Shu Yi before pulling him inside by his arm so hard he almost lost his balance. He had to grab onto a cupboard not to fall to the floor.
“What the hell?” He was pretty sure he'll end up with a bruise from her hand.
“Shi De! You ass! Now!" She yelled again ignoring his rude question and quickly slipped her feet inside a red pair of flip flops. “I’m sorry, but I’m in a rush. Shi De will be here in a second. Bye!”
Suddenly Shu Yi was standing alone in the hallway feeling equally confused and scared. He could hear someone walk down the stairs quickly and he could tell by the steps it was Shi De. He could always recognize the way he walked. Shu Yi was in no state of mind to wonder why that strange woman called for Shi De and escaped.
“For me? What is it?” Shi De asked in English. That voice made him tremble. Shu Yi wasn’t angry anymore.
The moment he finally saw Gao Shi De standing so close at the foot of the stairs, Shu Yi choked on his breath and time seemed to freeze for him. He wanted to cry out and fall into his arms. Shu Yi realized how stupid he was for thinking he could ever pretend not to love nor want him.
Shi De looked so effortlessly good. Gorgeous as always, although Shu Yi wasn’t unbiased when it came to him. His hair was a little bit messy in a cute way, as if he just woke up from a nap. Shi De wore casual clothes, a white tight t-shirt and jeans and it was a perfect fit for him. Shu Yi noticed he had mismatched socks (one white and above his ankle, the other one gray and shorter) and the same pair of slippers Shu Yi sent him months ago. He should be glad, but somehow it made his heart painfully throb. Why did he keep stuff from Shu Yi if he had moved on? Was it like a cruel joke? Or nostalgia made him? Or maybe it was just convenient?
“Yi..” Shi De breathed out in shock and just stared for a moment with his mouth half open. Shu Yi felt worse than naked under his intense gaze and he looked down not even two seconds later. Shi De’s eyes were full of so many different emotions that Shu Yi couldn’t handle it. He felt intimidated, small and confused above all. He didn't understand anything anymore.
To a degree he was glad Shi De seemed as tense as Shu Yi was himself. Shu Yi would also be lying if he’d say he wasn’t at least a bit satisfied with how his appearance made Shi De lost for words, but he had to remind himself that it most likely wasn’t for the reason he would like to. For months he imagined their meeting after being apart for so long, but he never considered it would be so hard and scary. The circumstances were always different in his head.
Shi De took another step towards Shu Yi and he must have stepped onto something, because a sudden sound of a crushed plastic startled them both. Shi De made a face and bent over to see what it was.
“Oh no, I think I broke Oliver’s toy.” He said to himself and Shu Yi came back to reality.
Oliver. That must have been the child's name.
No, it actually didn’t matter.
“Hi.” Shu Yi whispered with a shaky breath. He knew he wouldn’t be able to say it at loud with that huge lump in his throat. Seeing Gao Shi De for the first time in such a long time made him paralyzed. His muscles became stone. Shu Yi was overly aware of his fast heartbeat.
Shu Yi was an idiot. A huge idiot. How could he ever think he would be able to live without the man in front of him? How stupid he was not to fight for him during their time apart? He should have pushed on Shi De a little more to get him to talk and share his worries, to tell Shu Yi why he was so tired all the time, to tell him what was happening. Shu Yi failed. He should have done everything he could so that Shi De would know he can lean on Shu Yi. Not fighting and just waiting without doing anything was his mistake.
Fuck his pride and dignity. Fuck everything. His life wasn’t worth shit without Gao Shi De in it.
Shu Yi should have gotten the first flight to America the moment he started to worry. Shu Yi had money and time, he could easily come for a visit every month or two. He didn’t fight for them enough when it was the most crucial. It wasn’t Shi De taking Shu Yi for granted but the other way around. He didn’t care anymore that Shi De cheated. He didn’t care that he had a child. Shi De must have thought Shu Yi didn’t love him enough to come see him.
Maybe it was a drunken mistake and Shi De took the whole responsibility on himself as if it was his job to take care of everything. Shi De was always like that, dealing with everything on his own, never asking for help and hardly ever allowing anyone to do. Shu Yi should have pushed and pushed, maybe that way he wouldn’t lose him.
It was also a possibility that Shi De did love that girl. Somehow Shu Yi never really asked whether Shi De was gay or bi, the only thing that mattered for him was that Shi De loved him. He really thought Shi De would never love anyone besides him. Shu Yi felt so sick of himself and his own stupidity.
“What are you doing here? I…” Shi De still didn’t seem to be completely over his initial shock. He took the last steps forward and he put his shaking hands on Shu Yi’s arms. It burned his skin and felt so good at the same time that Shu Yi closed his eyes and bit his lip. He was so starved of Shi De’s touch. “You’re really…” He mumbled to himself while staring at his own hands as if he didn’t believe he was actually touching Shu Yi.
“Please don’t leave me behind.” Shu Yi didn’t mean to say it out loud, but it seemed like his mouth was thinking on it’s own. If Shi De loved her… Shu Yi was determined to do everything he could to get him back. At least in some way. Shi De looked at him with a mix of hurt and shock and Shu Yi broke down. “Don’t look at me like that.“ He begged.
Shu Yi closed his eyes to stop crying but the tears didn’t slow down. He could feel Shi De’s hands on his face and it was so agonizing in that moment that he took a step back.
“Shu Yi?”
“I’ll do anything, please.” He said in a rush after wiping his face. Shu Yi looked at Shi De, who seemed stunned and worried. Why did he look so concerned? It was only making Shu Yi have stupid hope. It only hurt more. “If you come back to me I won’t ask. I won’t care what happened in the time we were apart. I won’t ask, I promise.”
Shu Yi really didn’t care anymore to keep his face. Everything he had was at Shi De’s mercy, he willingly threw his pride and dignity and his whole life at Shi De’s feet. He could only wish it wouldn't be stepped on and crushed like that toy from before.
“What are you talking about? Shu Yi, what's going on?” Shu Yi hated how shaky and emotional Shi De’s voice seemed. It didn’t help him with trying to calm down. His head was filled with so many whys. Why do you look hurt seeing me cry? Why did you touch me so tenderly? Why did your hands shake when you were wiping my tears? Why do you look like you’re going to cry yourself? Why did you move on? Why her? Why wasn’t I enough? Why didn't you tell me anything? Why didn't you tell me what I did wrong?
“If you don’t want to leave that’s fine I can stay here. Just don’t leave me. You can’t leave me. Please. I’ll take anything you’re willing to give me.” He knew he was being pathetic and desperate, but his life really didn’t matter without Shi De in it. How could he be happy without him? Shu Yi was determined to do anything and everything to have him back no matter the cost. Even if he couldn’t have him the same way as before.
“Shu Yi…”
“Please.”
“Shu Yi, calm down. Let’s talk. We should...”
Talk. Why did it sound so scary? When Shi De said that word cold sweat appeared on Shu Yi’s back and an unpleasant shiver shot through his body. Wasn’t ‘we have to talk’ a typical beginning of a movie breakup scene? ‘It’s not you, it's me’ kind of thing? Shu Yi couldn't let it happen. He grabbed Shi De’s hands hard in despair, squeezing his fingers painfully.
“No, no. We don’t need to talk, it’s okay. Just come back to me. I won’t ask.”
“I don’t understand what you mean, Shu Yi. I really don’t get it. I never-”
“If you’re willing to leave that woman and be with me I will never ask about that!” He yelled and Shi De gave him a strange look that made him even more scared. No, no, no, no, not how it supposed to go.
Shi De frowned and moved his head to the side a little. “What?”
“You don’t need to leave her if you don’t want to.” He said quickly. Shu Yi was getting afraid that Shi De would reject him so he went down on his knees while still holding Shi De's hands. “Please. Just see me once a week, once a month even, and you can go once you’re done. Please, I’ll do anything, don’t disappear. I need you. Please say you will. If you ever loved me see me from time to time. Just an hour will be enough. Please.”
“Shu Yi, how can-”
“You won’t even have to look at me! I can’t lose you. I love you so much.” After that he broke down completely. He couldn't speak anymore. Shu Yi just cried on his knees without letting go of Shi De’s hands. He felt like he would sink and drown without touching him. He was sobbing like a baby. All the times before when he held himself back from crying too loudly so that nobody would hear him finally got to him and exploded right in front of Shi De.
Shi De pulled away his hands from the tight grip and Shu Yi heard his own voice beg in protest. “No, please.” He couldn't understand why Shi De knelt in front of him and pulled him into a painful hug a second later.
Breathing him in for the first time in so long was amazing. Shu Yi felt dizzy and overwhelmed. Shi De’s body was warmer than his as always and the familiarity made him cry even harder. With his shaking hands he grabbed a fistful of Shi De’s shirt, as if that would stop him from leaving and pulling back. Shu Yi saw the cruel irony of the situation, being comforted in the arms of a man he was crying for.
“I won’t ask about others. I promise.”
“Shu Yi, I don’t have anyone. There’s nobody except for you.” Was whispered in his ear and Shu Yi shook his head. It wasn’t true. Shu Yi knew what he saw. Why was Shi De still not telling him the truth? Shu Yi told him that it was okay, that he didn’t care. Shi De could have both or as many as he could if only he wanted to. Shu Yi would take anything and be grateful.
“You don’t have to lie, it’s okay.”
“No, Shu Yi. Baby please listen to me. Look at me.” His hands grabbed Shu Yi’s face carefully and gently wiped his tears. Shu Yi opened his eyes and saw that Shi De was crying too. He opened his mouth to ask but no sound came out. “I don’t have anyone. I didn’t stay here because I found someone else. Shu Yi, I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I didn't want you to worry. My mom was pregnant and it wasn’t going well. I had to be here with her. So much else was going on and I....”
“What?”
“That toy I broke was his, I have a little brother now. Although he likes our step sister more, because she always gives him more sugar. She opened the door for you.”
“What?”
Step brother? Step sister? What?
“Gao Shi De, what the fuck?” Was that really the reason? Shu Yi became so angry within a second that he pushed Shi De off with all the strength he had. The surprised yelp and the sound of his back and head hitting the floor made Shu Yi pleased. “You asshole! Is your brain damaged? You dumb bastard!” He yelled after he stood up. Shi De was on the floor, not knowing what to do, so he just didn’t move. “What the hell were you thinking? Are you really that stupid?”
“I… I’m sorry.” Oh how much Shu Yi just wanted to hit him. Hit him, kick him, throw stuff at him. Beat him up with a shoe. He was so furious that his tears immediately stopped. Shi De got up from the floor slowly and Shu Yi used all his self control not to pettily push him right back down.
“Did you forget your brain on the plane?! You’re such an asshole! What were you thinking? What the hell! Who do you think you are? Do you think hiding things from me is good for our relationship?! You really deserve a broken nose, you big bag of dicks!” Shu Yi knew that his voice wasn’t the way he wanted to because of the crying and that he was screeching like a preteen. Normally he would feel ashamed with how high got, but the anger made him not care for it. Not even when his voice cracked a few times.
“You must be really angry at me.” Shi De said with a soft voice and he was starting to smile. Shu Yi slapped the arm that was almost touching his face. “You’re yelling at me in Japanese.” Gao Shi De had a superpower and it was making Shu Yi so angry he wanted blood. He was very tempted to take his shoe off and just whack Shi De as many times as his strength would allow him to.
“Fucking stupid asshole! You made me think you didn’t love me anymore. You annoying fucker! Stop smiling, do you have a death wish? It’s your fault I felt like shit for so long. Did you even…” Shu Yi stopped himself in the middle of a sentence because he didn’t want to cry anymore. He was way too angry for that. He took a deep breath and shook his head. “You’re unbelievable. I really thought you didn’t care about me anymore. Do you have any idea how much it hurt? What else were you hiding from me?” The guilty look on Shi De’s face was even more annoying. Shu Yi just stared at him angrily. “You better start talking now.”
Shi De looked down and hid his face in his hands. Shu Yi has never seen him so small and vulnerable. Everything in his head was screaming that he needed to protect him. At first he wanted Shi De to look hurt, guilty, unsure and generally miserable, but it was actually painful to look at.
“Shu Yi, I'm really sorry. I didn’t want you to see me like that.” How could Shu Yi be mad at him when he sounded so hurt and sorry? He walked up to Shi De and grabbed his face to look him in the eyes.
“Like what?” He asked softly. He was searching Shi De’s eyes for any trace of a lie. He wanted to know if Shi De was misleading him, but he only saw the same love he always could see in those beautiful eyes.
“Weak.” At first Shu Yi's opinion was the same. He hated even the thought that Shi De could ever see him so fragile, but not even five minutes earlier he was begging on his knees for a chance of becoming a dirty mistress. Shu Yi would take anything. if Shi De would only want him as a quick fuck from time to time, Shu Yi would say ‘thank you’ right after. He would feel grateful for being used if that meant they could be together for even a moment.
“Gao Shi De, how do I look to you right now then? Weak? Broken? Do you think less of me now that you see me this way?” Shi De was shaking his head after each word from Shu Yi, as if it was hard for him to listen. He took Shu Yi’s hands in his and kissed Shu Yi’s knuckles. Shu Yi bit his lip.
“Of course not. I’m sorry.”
“Do you think I’m pathetic?”
“No, never.”
“Then why did you think I would see you as less? Was it something I did? Or maybe I didn’t try enough for you to know that I love you? Did you think I wouldn’t stay beside you if something wrong were happening?”
“I was scared that you would see me the way I saw myself. How little I am compared to you.” Shu Yi understood him, but learning that Shi De felt so insecure was painful in many ways. It also angered him that he never knew about it before. Shi De has never asked him for any reassurance, never tried to lean on Shu Yi. He always wanted to be the strong one as if he had no weaknesses.
First Shu Yi flicked his forehead from the irritation that he felt and almost laughed seeing the confused look on Shi De’s face. Then pulled his head lower, so that he could kiss where he hit a second before.
“Gao Shi De, we’re in a relationship. I should know all about how you feel so that I could help you see yourself the way I see you. Were you going to keep everything to yourself until our wedding?” Shi De looked at him in a complete shock.
“You’re still willing to have me as your husband in the future?”
“I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to be with someone who’s not you.”
“Shu Yi, I’m so sorry.”
“I’m really sick of hearing that, you know? Do I need to make you a penalty jar? A dollar for every apology. I would have a nice car in no time.”
“Does that mean we’re okay?”
“Almost. Who opened the door for me? I don’t remember you mentioning her before. At first I thought she’s the one you-”
“God no. I would never. Especially not with a woman.”
“Oh? So you would with a man?” Shu Yi teased with a small smirk because he felt confident enough to do so and Shi De snickered.
“Zhou Shu Yi, don’t test me like that. Ashley opened the door for you. She’s my stepfather's daughter from his first marriage. She moved in a few months ago because she got a job in the area.”
“What else happened that I don’t know of?”
“Mom and Ashley had a car accident five months ago. It wasn’t serious, but they still had to stay at the hospital for a few days. Some kid hit them on a slippery road.” Shu Yi wanted to say something but suddenly his stomach growled and he just hoped it wasn’t too loud for Shi De to hear. His ears went pink. Shu Yi wanted to angrily show his point to Shi De and that point was that Shi De was fucking dumb. A growling stomach wasn’t a part of the plan. “I’m sorry. I’ll tell everything, but for now let’s go to the kitchen, don’t think i didn’t hear that. My mom and stepfather took Oliver to the doctor so they’ll be back late and Ashley probably ran to her boyfriend for gossip, so… We’re alone.” Shu Yi’s eyes went wide. Oh you asshole. Y ou did not just suggest that.
“You really have a death wish.”
“I meant to talk. It’s your head that’s in the gutter.” Shu Yi was ready for another enraged yelling but Shi De grabbed his hand and Shu Yi had to bite his lip not to make a sound. Only then Shu Yi noticed that Shi De was a little bit tanned. Must have been the sun, he did say before that the weather in Texas was intense each season and Shu Yi felt the hot sun on his own skin since he left the airport. He just stared at their linked fingers for a while and after looking up he noticed Shi De was doing the same. Suddenly Shu Yi spotted a strange looking small scar on Shi De’s thumb that wasn’t there before.
“Where did that come from?”
“A vicious and very angry creature attacked me. Oliver bit me when I took my phone from him. He wanted to call our mom when she was during an important meeting.” Shu Yi really didn’t want to laugh, but the moment he imagined a small child sinking his barely there teeth into Shi De’s skin he couldn’t help but chuckle. Shi De just smiled warmly and pulled the hair that was almost in Shu Yi’s eye behind his ear. Shu Yi barely stopped himself from making a sound yet again. Having Shi De touch him so casually after such a long time was making him feel things.
“Serves you right.” He muttered and his face began to blush because Shi De’s hand was still touching his ear. Shi De knew very well how sensitive his ears were. He knew all of Shu Yi’s weak points. He knew Shu Yi’s entire body by touch and Shu Yi was getting hot. “Maybe you’ll get a superpower from it.”
“What kind of superpower would I even get?”
“Dunno, a brain maybe. Or at least a brain cell.”
Shu Yi's stomach made a sound again and Shi De smiled brightly.
“When did you get here?” He asked while dragging him to the kitchen. Shu Yi took a quick look around the house. He liked the cozy interior design. There were lots of pictures of people he remembered from Shi De’s emails hanging on the walls. Shi De himself was on a few of them. On one he had Oliver on his lap and Shu Yi began to wonder what kind of father would Gao Shi De be. He never thought of children before since he didn’t feel mature enough, but seeing Oliver with Shi De made him feel a certain way. “Shu Yi?”
“Huh? Oh.” He didn’t even notice when they stepped into the kitchen. He was way too busy thinking. Suddenly Shi De picked him up and sat him on a counter with a playful smile and Shu Yi choked on his breath.
“How long have you been in America?” He asked again. Shi De had his hands on Shu Yi’s thighs and was leaning in. Shu Yi felt like a sixteen year old about to have his first kiss with the hottest guy in school. He licked his lips staring at Shi De.
“Two days ago. I… Came here yesterday. You looked like you were having a lot of fun during your picnic so…It was hard not to misunderstand. Anyone would think the same thing. Now I feel really stupid.”
“I’m the stupid one. I should have told you everything right from the start. Everyone was telling me to do that. I thought I was saving you from worrying about everything that was happening here, but I only made you suffer. I’m really sorry, Shu Yi. I messed up so much. From now on I promise I will tell you everything.”
“I’m really getting you the penalty jar. Why didn’t you message me for so long?” Shu Yi pinched Shi De's hand and wrapped his arms around his neck right after. He felt so good finally being with him like that.
“My mom and Oliver kept getting sick. They spent more time at the hospital than at home for the past few months. I had to be the substitute for her in the company and I messed up a few things, so we had to get someone else to help. I did write to you, but I never sent it. I was just complaining in those emails and didn’t want to bother you with everything. I was scared it would be too much for you.”
“You’re stupid.”
“I know. I should have… done better. I really don’t deserve you. I’ll do everything to be worthy of you.”
“Instead of putting yourself down, tell me you love me. You haven't done that in months.”
"Zhou Shu Yi, you're the love of my life." Shi De grabbed his face to make sure Shu Yi was looking him in the eyes. Shu Yi could hear his own and Shi De’s heartbeat. Their faces were so close they were almost touching noses. "I love you."
“Again.”
“I love you.” Shu Yi smiled.
“Again.”
“I love you.” Shi De kissed Shu Yi’s nose, his right cheek, left cheek and every inch of skin on his face. After each kiss he would whisper his confession and Shu Yi felt like crying again. It’s been so long since the last time he heard those words from Shi De. After softly kissing Shu Yi’s temple he moved back down and started at Shu Yi’s lips. “Am I still allowed?” In response Shu Yi's stomach growled twice as loud as before successfully murdering the romantic moment. Shi De pulled away with a sigh. "Right. Waffles? Or we can order pizza?"
"Make something for me." Shu Yi said while still mourning the almost kiss. He missed watching Shi De cook for him. “One day I’ll cook for you.” He whispered timidly. Shi De turned away from Shu Yi for a second with a smile and took a bottle of orange juice from the fridge.
“Here, drink this. We can have some ice cream later.”
Shu Yi was watching Shi De cook without a word. He was focusing on the way his hands worked and how Shi De’s muscles moved. He was thankful to that tight white t-shirt because it didn’t leave much for imagination. When he stared hungrily at Shi De’s back, he could easily imagine that the thin fabric was gone. He was ready to request it’s removal, when suddenly Shi De’s phone made a sound and after checking what it was he laughed.
“My mom texted me, and I quote, do not let him leave before dinner. I will make his favorite. We’ll be back in a few hours. Ask him to stay the night.” Shu Yi blushed at the last part. It was very obvious to the both of them what would happen if they were to stay in the same bed, or even the same room for the night. Shu Yi saw it in Shi De's eyes. That silent question.
“Uhm… I don’t have clothes…”
“You could wear mine.”
“I’d rather just take mine from the hotel.”
“We can go after you eat. You could stay here, not just till tomorrow." Shi De moved to get closer to him. He seemed shy and unsure. There was a slight blush on his ears. "How long were you planning to be in the city for? If you’d like, you could stay here until then.”
“I got here without booking a plane back home. It wasn’t a planned trip.”
“Then how long can you stay?” Shu Yi forced a chuckle. The atmosphere was getting too heavy for him. All he wanted was to grab Shi De by his shirt and pull him in for a kiss that wouldn't end soon.
“Don’t tempt me, Gao Shi De.”
“If you stay till the end of the month I’ll go back home with you.”
“Really? Are you serious?”
Shi De nodded. “My mom is getting healthier and since Ashley moved in she helps a lot with Oliver. I don’t need to be here as much as before. We could… start thinking of getting a place for ourselves in the meantime.”
There was nothing Shu Yi wanted more. He opened his mouth to speak, but he was too moved to find the right words. His eyes stung. He could only find enough power to whisper one word. "Okay."
"Thank you." Shi De kissed his hand tenderly, and Shu Yi closed his eyes. It was exactly what he wanted. He began to worry that it was a dream and not reality. How could he be so happy? When not even an hour before he felt so terrible? Shu Yi quickly let go of the pain he was stashing in his mind for the past months and allowed himself to lean his head on Shi De's shoulder. The life he wanted to have with him was going to start soon. The 'we' he dreamed of that Shi De also wanted. Nothing else mattered.
Suddenly he remembered something and laughed. He moved his head to look at Shi De. “You better start thinking first how to get off my fathers shit list before I tell him I’m moving in with you.”