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Sometimes the abuse all blends together in his head. He hardly remembers why most confrontations started and can’t tell them from one another. You get hit, yelled at, kicked, pushed, spat on, or have things thrown at you enough times and it doesn’t really stand out in memories.
Sure, particularly bad beatings, like the times she broke bones, are easy to remember. Ones that resulted in scars, the long lines down his back, or the amorphous mark on his cheek from when she punched him with a ring on, are almost impossible to forget.
But the ones Aaron remembers more than anything are the ones where she’d choke or drown him.
He had come home with a C and she was livid.
“Are you retarted?” She yelled.
He knows it wasn’t the first time he heard that word but it’s the first time he remembers.
“Are you?” She yelled when Aaron didn’t respond.
“No.” Aaron whispered, his eyes fixed on his feet.
“Look at me when I talk to you boy!” She spat, pulling his hair back so he had no choice but to look into her eyes.
“I’m sorry mama!” Aaron said, desperately hoping she’d just stop.
“If you wanna be a retard I can arrange that. Do you know what happens to your brain when it doesn’t get oxygen?”
Aaron shook his head.
“Let me show you.”
The next thing he knew his head was in the toilet and he couldn’t breathe. She pulled him up a few times to whisper something awful in his ear before dunking him back in.
She had left him sputtering and crying on the floor, his body unmoving save for the desperate rise and fall of his chest.
A few hours later she came into his room.
“You know mama only wants the best for you sweetie.” She said in a soft voice that held no affection, but Aaron was desperate enough for that not to matter.
“I know mama.” Aaron whispered.
“Come here honey.” She said once she sat down next to him on the bed.
Aaron climbed into her lap with no protest. All he wanted was to be held by her.
“I love you honey. You know that don’t you?” She asked, running her fingers through his hair, not pulling.
“I know. I love you too mama.” Aaron said.
He meant it. She didn’t.
“Here honey, take this.” She said holding out a small pill.
“What is it?” Aaron asks, delicately taking the pill into his own hands.
“It will help you in school.” She said, handing him a glass.
Aaron, desperate to please his mom swallowed the pill down with the awful liquid, that he now knows to be alcohol.
That was the first time he got high.
He was 8.
—
“Fuck.” Aaron breathes looking down at the 66% scribbled at the top of his paper.
He shoves the paper in his bag before heading back to his dorm.
“Can I have some of your Red Bull’s?” Aaron asks Matt the second he enters the dorm.
“Uh sure.” Matt says dismissively.
Aaron stays awake for the next 48 hours running on energy drinks, he finds himself preferring Monster to anything else, coffee, and pure determination. Her words dancing circles in his head.
He needs better. He needs an A or at least a B. Ds are unacceptable.
Aaron knows he doesn’t have much going for him. He knows he needs this. He knows that without good grades he’ll never get anywhere.
His inner monologue sounds like a broken record. Her words, not even his.
He’s worthless without this.
He and Kate broke up because he was too stupid. Andrew ignores him because he’s too stupid. The nightmares, the cravings, the guilt. He just needs to do better.
Those thoughts cycle in his head as he receives his next grade.
A.
He takes a sigh of relief before heading towards the court for practice.
—
Practice is brutal. It always is but today is particularly bad.
Kevin was on his ass about everything and Aaron can’t even blame him. He’s not at his best. Not even close.
That’s why it’s safe to say he’s not surprised when Kevin stops him on the way out.
“What the hell is going on up there?” Kevin asks, referencing Aaron’s mind.
Too much, Aaron thinks. But he doesn’t speak.
“Because I can tell you one thing. It’s not exy. Look, I know it’s just a means to an end for you but you owe it to everyone out there busting their ass to do your best. Because your best is actually pretty fucking good and this team needs you. You have a few games where slacking won’t make us lose but the games will get harder and we’ll need you. You need to get your shit together. For the team and for you. Because you can’t live like this forever.” Kevin says, leaning down so he can speak without anyone overhearing.
“Mind your own business.” Aaron says, trying to ignore that Kevin is right. Because as right as Kevin may be he needs to keep his grades up and this is the only way.
“It is my business.” Kevin insists.
“Believe it or not all things exy don’t always concern you.” Aaron snaps.
“It’s my business cause you’re my friend. Even if you’re a dick half the time.” Kevin says harshly before walking away.
—
Aaron manages to figure out a system that works well enough. Sure he’s sacrificing sleep, food, and free time but his grades are up and he’s doing better with exy.
However he knew it couldn’t last forever and it only took a week for Nicky to finally work up the confidence to say something.
“Hey.” Nicky says awkwardly.
“Hey.” Aaron mumbles, not looking up from his textbook.
“Take a break.” Nicky says, wiggling a controller in front of Aaron.
“Can't. I’m studying.” Aaron says, pushing the controller out of his view.
“Oh c'mon your grades are the best on the team.” Nicky whines.
“There's a reason for that. While you’re playing Mario kart I’m studying.” Aaron spits.
“For the record I’m playing super Mario bros so… check you facts.” Nicky teases.
“I really can’t deal with this right now. I’m busy.” Aaron snaps before shutting his book and heading for the door. The library has much fewer annoying older cousins.
Aaron doesn’t remember falling but, suddenly he’s on the floor with Nicky yelling something then it all goes black.
—
When he wakes up Nicky, Andrew, Kevin, and coach are in the room, speaking quietly. Well, Andrew, Kevin, and Wymack are.
“Aaron.” Nicky says happily when he sees Aaron’s awake.
“Are you an idiot?” Andrew spits.
Aaron knows Andrew has no way of knowing how much that hurts. But it does.
“Fuck off.” Aaron says.
“No. You passed out from pure exhaustion. You weren’t even doing anything. If I weren’t so pissed I’d actually be impressed.” Andrew yells.
“What Andrew means is we’re worried about you.” Kevin cuts in. “You’re not taking care of yourself.”
“I’m fine.” Aaron groans.
“Yeah okay Neil.” Andrew says, earning a glare from Aaron.
“If you were fine you wouldn’t have passed out. Aaron, hon, I’m worried about you.” Nicky says, taking on the gentle almost paternal tone he only pulls out for the twins.
“Don’t be.” Aaron says. He hates worrying Nicky.
“It’s too late. They said you haven’t been eating.” Nicky whispers, bushing Aaron’s hair behind his ear the way Tilda would. Only when Nicky does it it’s a gentle demonstration of affection. Not a means to manipulate. Aaron leans into the touch.
“I don’t have an eating disorder or anything if that’s what you’re worried about.” Aaron says quietly.
“Then what is it?” Nicky asks.
“Can I talk with coach?” Aaron asks quietly.
Nicky looks at Wymack then back to Aaron with wide and sad eyes.
“It’ll be okay.” Wymack assures everyone.
“Okay. I’ll be right outside.” Nicky whispers before kissing Aaron’s forehead gently.
Aaron waits patiently for the room to empty out, sparing Nicky a quick nod and forced smile.
“What is it kid?” Wymack asks, sitting in a chair, leaning his chin against the back, his legs on either side.
“I don’t know what I’m doing.” Aaron confesses, tears suddenly falling.
Wymack shifts nervously before moving from the chair to taking a seat on Aaron’s bed.
“Uh, can you explain this?” Wymack asks uncomfortably.
“It’s just- it’s all too much. School and exy I just- I’m having a hard time with school and the only way to do well is to run myself into the ground because I can’t disappoint you guys because I love this team and I never wanna disappoint you-” Aaron’s cut off by his own gasp.
“Okay okay, wait. First off nobody on this team is gonna be disappointed in you. You’re juggling a lot. You’re pre med you’re an athlete who plays for an exhausting team to be on and you have all sorts of internal things going on that I won’t even pretend to understand. If you want a break, a few practices off, to stay on the bench for a game or two I can more than work that out. You just need to let me know.” Wymack explains.
Aaron nods, trying to calm his breaths down.
“I just- I feel like an idiot. I get the work but I don’t. It just doesn’t click in my head, like I’m missing a piece that everyone else has. I just have to work so much harder to get the same answers.” Aaron explains.
“How long have you felt this way?” Wymack asks.
“My whole life. I figured out how to adjust but- I don’t know I can’t get it this time. I feel like I’m running into a brick wall.” Aaron whispers.
“Have you ever considered getting tested for learning disabilities?”
“What? You think I’m stupid?” Aaron asks instinctively.
“No. Don’t go putting words in my mouth. I just think that this is a problem that you could find a solution to with the right resources. You can be smart, which you are, and still have learning disabilities. Okay, how about this. I’ll give you a few practices and a game, or two games if you need it, off as long as you go get help for this. But you have to sleep and eat okay? No more passing out on me.” Wymack bargains.
“Okay.” Aaron agrees quietly.
“And talk to Bee. I know you’re not her biggest fan but, I think she could help.”
—
When Aaron shows up at Bee’s office she is surprised to say the least. The only person she’d be more surprised to see outside of the required meetings would be Neil.
“Aaron?” She says kindly.
“Yeah.” Aaron says as he pushes his way into her otherwise empty office.
“What can I do for you?” She asks, not even trying to hide her happiness that Aaron is reaching out.
“I’ve been struggling with school.” Aaron says plainly.
“Your grades are as good as they always are.” Bee says, confused.
“I got a D a few weeks ago. It’s always been difficult but it’s just getting harder.” Aaron explains.
“What is?” Bee asks.
“Doing the stuff. I’ve been killing myself between school and exy. I passed out yesterday so, I guess that’s why I’m here.” Aaron says.
“You passed out?”
“Yeah. Exhaustion. It’s just- I don’t know. I need to get my grades together.”
“Why? Ds are unfortunate but one or two of those here and there is more than okay.”
“Are you saying I’m overreacting?” Aaron asks defensively.
“Not at all. I’m asking you why it’s so important to you. Not everyone cares about their grades.”
Aaron thinks for a moment.
More like he remembers.
He remembers her hands around his neck, the water, the pressure in his lungs, he can practically feel it. The scars from her rage aching like they’re fresh, open wounds.
Her voice, loud, high, angry. Her voice after, soft. Not kind, but soft. Her holding him.
“Aaron?” Bee asks, pulling Aaron back to the present.
“Huh?” Aaron grunts.
“Why do you care?”
“Uh, cause I have to. If I wanna do well if I wanna be successful and be anything I have tk have good grades- better grades. I need to.” Aaron says, a sort of panicked desperateness lacing his words.
“You think if you get a D you’re not worth anything?” Bee asks.
“No- I mean… yes. That’s how it starts isn’t it? They start slipping until they’re too low to fix and then I don’t get a job or anything.”
“No honey, that’s not how it works. Aaron, are those your thoughts or are they your mothers?”
Aaron feels a pang in his heart. The same feeling he felt when he found out she died. He hates that feeling.
“I don’t know.” Aaron confesses. “It’s what she told me. I don’t know anything else.” Aaron confesses.
“If Nicky got a D would you tell him he’ll never amount to something?” Bee asks softly.
“No! Of course not.” Aaron says quickly.
“You need to treat yourself like you treat your family. You can still want to be better without feeling like you need to. Your worth is not a number on a paper.”
Aaron let’s the words roll around in his head for a bit before speaking.
“Wymack thinks I might have a learning disability and that I should get tested.” Aaron spits out.
“What do you think?” Bee asks.
“I think he might be right.” Aaron whispers.
“How does that make you feel?”
“Conflicted. If I do have one then at least I’m not just an idiot. But if I have one that means I spent 21 years having to fight so damn hard just to keep my head above water.”
“It’s never too late to get help for something. I mean, you’re here aren’t you?”
—
“You haven't been at practice.” Kevin says, rubbing the scar on his left hand.
“Yeah. Coach signed off on it.” Aaron says.
“Yeah I know he did I just- why?” Kevin asks, eyebrows pulled together in concern.
“It’s kinda personal if you don’t mind. I’m still trying to figure it out so, I kinda wanna wait till I get it to tell y’all.” Aaron says awkwardly.
“Yeah. That- that’s okay. I just wanna know if you’re taking care of yourself.” Kevin says, kicking the floor nervously.
“I am. In fact that’s why I’m not there.”
“Okay. I uh… I hope you work this all out. I’m here if you need me.” Kevin mumbles.
“Thank you Kevin. Really.” Aaron says sincerely. “You know I’m gonna be a little rusty when I get back.” Aaron says, hoping Kevin will connect the dots on what he’s implying.
“I'll be more than willing to kick your ass back into gear.” Kevin says, smiling competitively.
“I feel like I’m gonna regret this.” Aaron says suspiciously.
“Maybe.”
—
It’s the day of his appointment. He’s going to get tested and finally he’ll get some answers. He spent the whole week trying to figure out a means of getting there but ultimately he decided he just needs to bite the bullet and ask Andrew if he can drive himself.
“I need the keys to the Mas.” Aaron says, wasting no time as he approaches Andrew.
“Nice try. But no.” Andrew says flatly.
“I need them Andrew.” Aaron says.
“For what?” Andrew asks.
“It’s personal.” Aaron says quietly.
“You need them but can’t tell me why?” Andrew asks.
“Yes.” Aaron says.
“Do you need them or want them?”
“Need them.”
“Will you tell me why later?”
“Yes.” Aaron promises.
“You can drive right?” Andrew asks as he fishes the keys from his pocket.
“Yes I can drive.” Aaron says, rolling his eyes.
“I’m just checking. Don’t hurt her.” Andrew says as he hands their keys over.
“I’m gonna pretend like you didn’t just call your car a her.” Aaron says, accepting the keys.
“Shut up before I change my mind.” Andrew threatens jokingly.
—
Dyslexia. Dyscalculia.
Aaron never knew two words could mean so much.
He doesn’t know how long he stares at the paper but it’s long enough for Andrew to call him and tell him to hurry back to the dorms.
“So, are you gonna tell me why you took my car on a joyride?” Andrew asks, waiting for Aaron in front of the door.
Aaron doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t know what to say. So, he just hands Andrew the piece of paper and watches as his eyes scan the sheet.
“What is this?” Andrew asks.
“Answers.” Aaron says, a small smile creeping onto his face.
“Who’s is this?”
“Me. It’s mine.” Aaron says.
“You have these?”
“Yeah.” Aaron breaths.
“Is this why you’ve been so stressed?”
“Yeah. It’s like- I just thought I was stupid. For so damn long I just thought I was just stupid. Now there’s- I have proof I’m not. I know that no one needs a diagnosis but it feels good to have one- or two. Now I can get help and figure out how to do this without passing out.” Aaron explains.
“You’re happy.”
“Yeah. I am.”
“Good.” Andrew says. “Who knows?” Andrew asks.
“Uh you’re the first kinda. Wymack and Bee knew I was getting tested- it was coach’s idea- but I haven’t told them the results yet.” Aaron says.
“You gonna tell the team?”
“Yeah. Not the freshmen but, yeah I will.”
—
“Are you gonna explain what we’re doing here and why this is the first time we’ve seen you in what feels like forever or are we supposed to guess?” Allison asks from the floor in front of Aaron.
“I-” Aaron starts.
“Oh- and why you fainted.” Matt chimes it.
“I’ll explain everything we’re just waiting for Andrew and Neil.” Aaron says, exasperated.
“That’s a dangerous game you’re playing.” Nicky says.
“They’ll be here.” Aaron insists.
“Who will be here?” Neil asks as he follows Andrew into the room.
“Speak of the devil.” Dan says.
“You flatter me but I’m not the devil.” Neil jokes.
“You sure about that?” Andrew asks from Neils side. “Whatever. Everyone shut up and listen to my brother.” Andrew demands.
Aaron can’t help but smile at the word brother.
“So I haven’t been at practice for a week and a half and I missed our last game. I wasn’t just flaking on you guys, I was working some stuff out. Between talking with coach and bee I decided to get tested.” Aaron starts.
“You have cancer?” Nicky asks, his face impressively pale for his skin tone.
“What? No! No, I have learning disabilities. They’ve been making school really hard for me. But now I’m gonna get help and stuff so, less all nighters, I’ll be playing again, and who knows, I might even have free time.” Aaron explains.
The Foxes all look between each other, wondering who’s gonna speak first.
“Is that why you need glasses?” Neil asks.
“No he just can’t see.” Andrew says.
“You have glasses.” Aaron counters.
“I don’t ever use them.” Andrew says dismissively.
“Can I go?” Neil asks.
“Yes Neil you can go.” Aaron says, rolling his eyes.
Neil pops out of his seat and heads for the door.
“If you need help with math you know where to find me. Unfortunately.” Neil says before leaving with Andrew close behind.
“How long have you been dealing with this?” Dan asks.
“My whole life I guess.” Aaron says.
“Hold on- this isn’t fair. He’s arguably the smartest person on the team while he has learning disabilities. He’s fighting with one hand tied behind his back and he’s still winning? Damn, spare some for the rest of us.” Allison says, pulling light laughs from the rest of the room.
“Why didn’t you say anything?” Nicky asks.
“I just… it’s something I’ve been dealing with for a really long time and I wanted to figure it all out before I tried explaining it to anyone else.” Aaron explains.
“I’m proud of you.” Nicky whispers as he pulls Aaron into a tight hug.
“Thank you.” Aaron says.
“Congrats Aaron.” Renee says on her way out with Allison and Dan.
“Thanks.” Aaron says.
“Do you wanna like… I don’t know, grab dinner?” Nicky asks at the door.
“Not tonight if it’s okay with you. I’m tired.” Aaron says.
“Yeah yeah that’s okay. I love you kid.” Nicky says softly before leaving the dorm.
“You know you’re really smart?” Matt asks once the dorm is empty of its non residents.
“For the first time I feel like I actually believe that.” Aaron whispers, mostly to himself.
“If you ever need help, I’m here.” Matt says before leaving the dorm to go find Dan.
—
The next day Aaron finds a box sitting on his bed. He pokes his head out into the main room to find Matt sitting in front of the tv.
“Hey, do you know where this box came from?” Aaron asks.
“What? Oh, nah I don’t know man. It was just there.” Matt says.
Aaron looks down at the box for a long moment before he carefully pulls it open.
It’s a laptop. A brand new, much better than his shitty excuse of a laptop, shiny, sleek, laptop. Aaron would be incredibly excited if it wasn’t for the fact that this laptop came out of nowhere.
He opens the top and powers it on. It opens to a google doc.
There’s a lot of apps and features that should help you with your learning disabilities.
Aaron was hoping the note would give him more of a hint as to who left it here but considering whoever left it had to break into the dorm room Andrew is his first guess.
“Was this you?” Aaron asks, not sparing Nicky a greeting when he opens the door.
“For once it wasn’t actually me who did the thing. What are you even talking about?” Andrew says, not bothering to do more than spare Aaron a glance.
“The computer. Just showed up in my locked dorm and who has the habit of breaking into people’s rooms?” Aaron challenges.
“Okay, I haven’t done that in a while. If I wanted to give you something I’d just give it to you. And why are you so pissed off? Someone got you a fancy new computer. Just take the win and move on.” Andrew says from his spot on the couch.
“I’m not pissed. I just don’t like that someone spent so much money on me. I want to return it.” Aaron says.
“Might I suggest you try the one person on this team who can just throw money down the drain?” Andrew prompts.
Of course it had to be her.
Aaron doesn’t waste time with a goodbye. He just leaves the dorm and heads down to the girls room.
“Aaron.” Renee says, not at all surprised to see him there.
“Cut the shit. Where’s Allison?” Aaron asks.
“He’s here Alli.” Renee calls back, opening the door to let Aaron in.
“That was quick.” Allison says from a stool at the counter.
“Why’d you do this? It’s not your job to handle my shit and you didn’t have to spend all this money on it.”
“Because. Everyone deserves the same starting point and you were already denied that. So why not use some of my unearned privilege to help you out?” Allison says casually.
“I can't just take this.” Aaron says.
“You can and you will. You’ll just pay me back when you’re a wildly successful doctor.” She says dismissively.
“There’s no way I’ll talk you into taking this back is there?” Aaron asks.
“Nope.” Allison says lightly.
“Thank you. And I will pay you back. I mean it.” Aaron insists.
“Don’t mention.” Allison says, waving a manicured hand. “Seriously, don’t mention it. I have this whole cold hearted bitch reputation I need to hold up and this would ruin that.” She jokes.
“Okay, I won’t. How’d you get it in there anyway?” Aaron asks.
“Renee.” Allison says.
Renee smiles at Aaron on his way out.
—
“Hey, this was the thing you were talking about? The personal thing?” Kevin asks, approaching Aaron in the library.
“Yeah, this would be that. The learning disabilities, not the computer.” Aaron says, looking down at the laptop.
Taking notes digitally is weird but it makes things much easier. Having the text to speech option is a lifesaver. Overall the laptop has made things much easier.
“Do you think that it can affect how you play sometimes?” Kevin asks hesitantly.
“Sometimes, maybe. I honestly don’t know.” Aaron confesses.
“I know it would mess with Jean sometimes. We came up with some tricks to help him so… I could help you with all that if you want.” Kevin suggests nervously.
“Yeah, that- that would actually be really great. I uh… I wanna do my best for everyone so your help would appreciate your help.” Aaron says. “You know Day, no matter what anyone else may say you’re a damn good friend. Even if you’re a dick half the time.” Aaron jokes, mirroring Kevins words from before.
Kevin smiles back, waves a goodbye, then walks off leaving Aaron feeling surprisingly optimistic.
—
“Can we go for a drive?” Aaron asks Andrew.
“Where?” Andrew asks.
“I want to see her.” Aaron whispers.
“You sure?” Andrew asks, he’s looking at Aaron intensely but not harshly.
Aaron nods.
—
Aaron doesn’t know how long he’s been sitting on her grave. He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at the word ‘mother’ carved into the stone. He does know it's long enough for Andrew to leave the car and take a seat next to Andrew.
“Mother.” Andrew scoffs.
“Yeah.” Aaron says slowly.
“She was a shit mother.” Andrew says.
“Don’t have to tell me twice.” Aaron agrees.
“Don’t I?” Andrew asks.
“I missed her. I hated you for killing her and I’m still mad about it. I wish you did something else and I don’t know if I forgive you for that but, I know why you did it. I loved her. She died and I loved her and then she was gone.” Aaron says quietly.
“She didn't love you.” Andrew says surprisingly softly.
“I know. And every day I love her less. But she was still my mom and I still wanted… I still wanted my mom. Or at least an explanation. But one day she was just gone. The carpet was pulled out from under me and I felt like I was falling. The only way I could keep it together was to keep her alive by telling myself all the things she told me. Doing what she did to me. But I guess I figured out that I don’t actually believe what she said, I figured out I hate all that. I hate her. But I still love her. I just- it's so messy.” Aaron says, picking at the grass.
“I- I hate Cass. For everything she let happen. For siding with him at the trial. I hate her for that. But… I don’t know, I still miss her and I guess I still care about her. You can feel both of those at the same time.” Andrew says.
Aaron wants to risk a look at his brother but he’s not sure he’d be able to keep it together if he did. Instead he hesitates and reaches his pinky out towards Andrew. When Andrew interlocks his and Aaron’s fingers, Aaron’s brought back to the last and only time they shared the gesture.
Aaron was scared and desperate for family that wouldn’t hurt him. Andrew was alone and desperate to be anything but that.
“It just feels like I’m betraying her.” Aaron whispers.
“Or you’re doing right by yourself.” Andrew says slowly.
“Yeah.” Aaron whispers, contemplating Andrew’s words.
“Here.” Andrew says, holding a knife out towards Aaron.
Aaron takes the blade slowly. He presses the tip against his finger before he adjusts his grip and leans forward.
It only takes a few moments to finish.
“Okay Michelangelo.” Andrew says as he stands. “Lets head back home.”
Aaron follows Andrew towards the car, only sparing a brief glance back at the word mother, with a long line running through it. Aaron holds the knife back out for Andrew but Andrew shakes his head and waves him off.
“Keep it.”