Voices in the Shadows

Gwyn stood in front of the large mirror of her bedroom in the House of Wind, frozen. She stared back at her own reflection, teal eyes collapsing with teal eyes, and nodded to herself. She could do this.

Slowly, her hand travelled to one of the fine straps of her silky nightgown, and pulled it down.

Breathe.

You’re alone, Gwyneth. You’re safe and you’re okay .

Right. There was nobody else in the room, just her. She could do this. Easily.

The priestess pulled down the other strap, just as slowly as she had done with the first. The flowy fabric of her nightgown fell completely to her feet, and she instantly shut her eyes. She couldn’t look back at the naked image in the mirror, at her own naked body.

No. I have to do this .

Her breath hitched when she built up the courage to, slowly, open her eyes again. And when she saw the freckles on her clavicle, the faint marks on her breasts and inside her thighs, her exposed sex… Her breath hitched.

You’re disgusting. Look at yourself. This is disgusting .

Gwyn couldn’t stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks and down to her feet. Immediately, without a second thought, she grabbed the nightgown and put it back on, then wrapped a thick blanket around herself to cover her body even more. She didn’t, couldn’t, see the slightest bit of her own skin right now.

Disgusting .

Maybe that’s what she was after all. Maybe that’s what her body had become, a piece of rotten, disgusting meat and unpleasant to look at. She swallowed back more tears as she tried not to recall what had been forcefully taken from her.

Her self-confidence, her self-love, her first time.

Everything. He took everything from you .

And there was no going back to fix it. No way to move forward, either. The priestess felt stuck in her own despair, doomed to live in her own body for the rest of eternity.

So she allowed herself to sob one last time, to pity herself one last time, before throwing on her cloak and descending down into the dark pits of the library.

“And then he pinned her against his office desk,” Gwyn couldn’t help the faint heat rising up to her cheeks as she listened to Emerie talking about her latest read, “And fucked her from behind.”

Emerie whispered that last part, hoping to stay out of Cassian and Azriel’s earshots. Both girls giggled before squatting again.

“They had a threesome in the one I finished last night,” Nesta grinned, making the priestess frown in confusion.

“What’s a threesome?”

Her sisters exchanged a knowing look before bursting out laughing. Gwyn couldn’t help but smile, too. She knew they weren’t laughing at her, but rather at the fact that said threesome thing was probably something so dirty the mere thought of explaining it to her here, so close to the Illyrian warriors, was just too hilarious.

Nesta caught Cassian looking at them with a concerned look on his face, but she just winked at her mate.

“A threesome,” Emerie started, “Is when three people have sex with each other.”

Gwyn wasn’t any less confused, “Like… at the same time?”

Nesta hummed as she picked up her sword, “All three parties pleasure each other at once, in different ways.”

Gwyn mimicked her sister, and grabbed a small dagger she used with Azriel on their nightly training, “That sounds complicated.”

The girl tried, really tried to understand the logistics behind it, but she just couldn’t. She imagined taking two men to her bed at the same time and just… no.

Gwyn wasn’t shy on the sex talk —hell, they read smut novels as a hobby after all— and her sisters knew these conversations wouldn’t make her uncomfortable. She was aware of the advances she was making, how comfortable she felt around Cass and Az now. The two deadliest Illyrian warriors in history, for crying out loud. And she felt perfectly safe around them.

“Apparently it’s a great… activity,” Emerie grinned, “Have you ever had a threesome, Nesta?”

The girl shook her head no, and swallowed, trying to push back that distant memory of her wanting to do a threesome with the two brothers. Yeah, she was now happy it had never actually happened. The aftermath, especially with Cassian’s stupidly overprotective tendencies, wouldn’t have been pretty.

Emerie didn’t ask Gwyn, not when they already knew the answer. The young priestess didn’t take it personally.

“Enough chit chatting over there,” Cassian barked their way. Emerie and Gwyn obeyed while Nesta just rolled her eyes, but then followed suit.

The training lasted for two more hours, long and exhausting under the burning sun of Velaris. Gwyn peeked at the bustling city below the House of Wind, wondering what it would be like to stroll down the streets. What would the city smell like? What would it feel like to touch the clear waters of the Sidra?

One day , she told herself as Cassian signaled the end of the session. One day you’ll be brave enough to go down there .

“Great work today, ladies,” the long-haired warrior patted Emerie on the shoulder before turning to Gwyn, and hesitating to do the same, “I see your extra training with Az has paid off,” he opted for.

The priestess smiled up at him. It was true, and her chest erupted with pride at Cassian noticing her improvements. She had been training with the Shadowsinger at night for about a month now. They both felt more comfortable with the darkness around them, hiding their mistakes. Well, her mistakes. Azriel executed every movement flawlessly and effortlessly.

She had more endurance now, more flexibility, and was more skilled with the dagger. Overall, she felt more comfortable in her ability to tackle down a real opponent, and she was glad it showed on her training with the other priestesses.

“He’s a good teacher,” Gwyn grinned, knowing that the Shadowsinger, barely a few feet away, could hear her perfectly. “The best, possibly.”

Cassian grinned back, “Careful, or I might make you do some extra pushups tomorrow.”

Gwyn chuckled, and Azriel’s shadows danced around his tucked wings. She said goodbye to Cassian before heading towards his brother, who didn’t do so much as look up at her while he pretended to clean a sword.

“Hello, Az,” she peered over his shoulder, right before his shadows entangled themselves around her face and neck, as if greeting her. She laughed at their playfulness.

“Berdara,” there was a hint of amusement in his voice that she intended to bring out all the way.

“So,” the young priestess started, “Did you read the novel you borrowed the other day?”

Azriel’s grin widened, “You mean the one you forced me to read?”

“I just know you’re gonna love it,” Gwyn said mischievously.

“Sure,” the man shook his head in amusement, “Four hundred pages of filthy smut. It’s gonna be ravishing . Best time of my life.”

Gwyn laughed, the soft sound filling his ears and flooding his already tight chest. His shadows danced around her some more, enjoying the sound of her laughter too, and he almost scurried them away.

“You should give it a try,” she insisted, “And perhaps you could learn a thing or two.”

She didn’t know where the audacity had come from, why she wasn’t absolutely freaked out to even think about joking around like that with Azriel. But perhaps that was a sign that she was healing, so she embraced it.

“Believe me, Gwyn,” the Shadowsinger’s voice lowered down a notch, a kind of unforgiving darkness washing over it. She shivered, but not from fear, “There’s nothing those books can teach me that I don’t already know.”

And so she swallowed at what he was implying, and tried to hide her shaking fingers. “Just… just give it a try.”

When Azriel looked back, she was gone.

He wanted to crawl into a hole and die there, even though he technically couldn’t.

How could he have been so stupid? He should’ve kept that stupid innuendo to his damn self. What was he trying to accomplish, anyway?

You scared her away.

I fucking know that .

Az sent his shadows away, tired of their constant whispers about how badly he had fucked up.

He should’ve known better than this. Gwyn seemed comfortable enough to read smut stories, to admit that she enjoyed them and to discuss them with her friends, but… Mother .

Azriel plopped down on the cold, hard floor of the ring, and ran a hand through his already messy hair. He shouldn’t have crossed that line. Ever. Not with her.

He had rescued Gwyn from that hell hole all those months ago, for fucks sake. He had seen what that bastard had done to her, not only physically, but to her soul too.

Gwyneth was a ray of sunshine. Despite every nightmare she had gone through, despite the visible and invisible marks her life had carved on her, she kept smiling. She had hope about healing her soul, she pushed herself to become braver everyday.

And he had just ruined all that. He had ruined whatever trust she had built with him in the past few months. All because he couldn’t keep his fucking—

“Stop sulking,” his shadows had warned him that Cassian was coming, but he hadn’t cared.

His brother put a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed him there, “What’s wrong?”

Azriel didn’t respond, and instead let the dark shadows around him be enough of an answer.

“I saw you talking to Gwyn,” Cassian’s voice was lower now, as if he was afraid of being heard, or aware that that was indeed what was wrong with his brother. “Did anything happen?”

“I’m a dumb fuck, that’s what happened.”

Cassian burst out laughing.

“I mean, you’re not wrong, brother,” he grinned, “But why do you say that?”

Azriel’s shadows vanished the moment he rose to his feet, “I said something I shouldn’t have,” he admitted, not daring to look at his brother. “I misread the situation.”

Cassian frowned, understanding immediately what he was implying, “If it makes you feel any better, she was just chatting with Nesta and Emerie downstairs. She didn’t look pissed off at all.”

It did make him feel somewhat better, but it wasn’t enough. Knowing that he had scared her off like that…

“Whatever you said to her,” his brother continued, “I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. She can’t stay mad at you.”

Az frowned at that, Cassian’s words ringing inside his ears as he stood right there in the ring a few hours later. The darkness of the night had consumed Velaris, no sounds could be heard from the streets below, from the nature around it.

Gwyn wasn’t going to show up. Deep down he knew it, but he couldn’t bring himself to leave the ring while carrying that burden. He had crossed a line. He had acted on impulse, and he had scared her away.

Stay here .

His shadows seemed to press him to stay, but it was well past their usual starting time, and there was no sign of Gwyn.

Stay a bit longer .

Az almost scowled at them. He knew his shadows were fond of the priestess, but to hold this level of delusion…

Footsteps. They were coming up the stairs quickly into the ring, faint, but surely there. And a few seconds later, the sight of her long copper hair invaded all his senses. He hadn’t felt more fucking relieved in his life.

“I’m sorry for being late,” she gave him a small, sincere smile that melted all his self-hatred away, “Work at the library today was hectic.”

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll keep it short tonight,” Az threw a training dagger at her and his shadows went with it, wrapping around her hand.

Gwyn giggled, “They like me.”

We do like her. A lot .

The man smiled faintly, “Don’t let them distract you.”

The priestess smiled once more at the shadows before focusing all her attention on him, on the cold dagger between her fingers, on the combat that was about to unfold. She nodded, confirming she was ready. And so Az charged forward.

If this past month of night training with him had taught her something, it was that the Spymaster wasn’t forgiving. He didn’t care that she was much, much smaller than him, or that this wasn’t a real fight. He gave her everything he had, blocked every attack, didn’t let her win just for the sake of making her feel better.

Gwyn smirked to herself. He was competitive, and so was she, and she loved every second of these private sessions.

At some point he managed to pin her down to the ground and send her dagger flying around across the ring, but Gwyn didn’t back down. She landed a blow on his chest, just like Cassian had taught her to do when facing a much bigger and muscular opponent, and it made him flinch enough to free herself from his grip.

“Student beats teacher,” she grinned.

Az couldn’t help but mimic her gesture, “Good, Berdara. Very good.”

When he locked eyes with her, he saw pride in those bright orbs, and his chest tightened. She was too good, too precious for him. For anyone.

“I…,” Gwyn started, unsure, “I wanted to apologise for the way I stormed off this morning.”

Azriel shook his head, “I should be the one apologising,” he lowered his voice. “I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable with… with my comment.”

“You didn’t make me uncomfortable, Az,” she rushed to say. “You… you never make me feel like that.”

And it was the truth. Her having left so rushedly earlier had nothing to do with him, and everything to do with herself.

She had never felt anything like this before. So… intense, and confusing, and everything she didn’t yet understand.

And after what had happened that night at the temple, she never thought she’d allow herself to feel again. Certainly not like this. Not so strongly, so deeply. And it scared her to death.

“I’m glad to hear that,” his voice was soft and calm, very much like the night breeze around them. His shadows wrapped themselves around her again, around her ankles this time, and she smiled down at them.

“You’ve done well today,” Azriel spoke again, “You’re free to go. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Gwyn didn’t fight back the sense of pride that clang to her chest as she shot him one of her brightest smiles. Despite the tiredness of two training sessions and work at the library, his words had made her feel light as a feather.

And so she winked at him and walked towards the stairs, “See you tomorrow, Shadowsinger.”

Look at you. Disgusting .

Gwyn whined in discomfort as she tugged at the blankets in her bed, eyes shut in her sleep. She wasn’t looking at her naked reflection in the mirror this time — someone else was.

The Hybern General moved up from behind her and placed a bloody hand on her stomach, a wide, wicked grin splashed across his face. Gwyn wanted to scream, run, but she was completely frozen in place.

She could only watch as that hand moved lower down her abdomen, lower…

“Stop,” she cried, still unable to run away.

You’re disgusting .

The General’s voice was all she could hear, and it was everywhere.

But I’m still going to have my way with you .

His hand reached lower until his cold fingers made contact with her center.

And then she screamed.

Azriel couldn’t sleep.

He was physically and mentally exhausted, but his body didn’t respond to his needs. His shadows hadn’t retreated yet, something they used to do by this hour, and he was pretty sure they were the sole reason he was still awake.

Go to sleep.

We don’t want to .

The Spymaster grunted into the darkness of his bedroom.

When did you become so fucking childish?

His shadows didn’t respond, but instead brushed against his chin, as if to mock him. Childish, indeed.

His eyes darted to the smutty novel laying on his bedside table, and smiled. He didn’t know what would be worse: the disappointment in Gwyn’s eyes if he didn’t read it, or the teasing that would come with actually reading it.

Whatever. Browsing through a couple of pages would hurt nobody, right?

So he opened the thick book around the middle, just to get a wider sense of what was ahead of him, and he almost choked on his own saliva at the first sentence he read.

‘He kneeled down in front of her, smelling her daunting arousal, and immediately buried his face in her glistening slit with a primal desire to…’

Azriel had never closed a novel faster.

Really? This was what Nesta, Emerie and Gwyneth read every single day? What they had such intense discussions about? He started to feel dizzy all of a sudden.

Gwyn… the image of Gwyn reading these smutty stories and blushing at the heated parts was definitely a sight he wouldn’t mind seeing. He couldn’t help but think that she must be immensely brave to even attempt to read about sex, talk about it with her friends, after everything she’d been through.

He swallowed, and let the darkness of his shadows consume him.

The night he found her at the temple, the sight of the General in front of Gwyn, taking advantage of her...

All his syphons flickered at once, and he could swear a roar escaped the depths of the House. A second later, he felt a wondering hand on his mental shield, and he immediately knew it was Rhys’.

Everything okay?

Azriel swallowed, allowing himself to calm down before answering.

Yeah.

Why are you awake?

Rhys laughed through the bond he had momentarily created to talk to his brother.

Nyx is having a rough night, which means that I’m having a rough night too.

Azriel smiled to himself. When was the last time he had seen his nephew? He made a mental note to pay them a visit in the morning, after training.

Take him for a late-night flight around Velaris. It works for me when I can’t sleep.

Silence from the other side. Then,

Actually, I hadn’t thought of that. It might work.

And this is why I’m the superior uncle, I guess.

His brother laughed again.

Don’t tell Cassian.

I’m not that stupid .

A comfortable silence settled between them, and Azriel guessed his brother was telling Feyre about the flight thing. A few seconds later, Rhys’ voice echoed inside his mind again.

You sure everything’s okay up there?

Yeah. It was nothing .

A pause.

Okay. See you in the morning, brother.

Sleep well, Rhys.

Then, silence again. Azriel relaxed back on the enormous mattress beneath him, feeling calmer now. Almost all his shadows had finally vanished, which meant he had the green light to go to sleep now.

He stretched out his sore legs. He’ll go see Nyx in the morning, then do whatever Rhysand needed him to take care of that day. As long as it didn’t involve seeing Eris, or Lucien for that matter, he was fine with it.

If he was being honest with himself, he wasn’t fully sure if his feelings for Elain had disappeared completely. He was positive they would, especially after that talk with Rhys, but as of today… It was complicated.

Azriel knew he had to confront his own feelings in order to get over them. Was it only lust that he felt for Elain, or perhaps something more? Why was the mating bond still not snapping for him, but it had for his brothers? Why were each one of his brothers mated to an Archeron sister but not him? Was this some sick prank of the Cauldron? Because…

Gwyn .

He sensed it before his shadows whispered it to him, before the young priestess let out a blood-curdling scream that set off all his alarms.

Azriel bolted up from his bed, dagger in hand, as he strolled down the hallways and into Gwyn’s bedroom.

A couple of months ago, the priestess had decided that she was ready to move into one of the upper bedrooms of the House if Cassian and Nesta were okay with it. They were more than okay with it, of course. And so she had been living a couple of floors below him for a while now, and that’s where he was headed.

Her bedroom door was closed, but he could smell her inside. He didn’t smell anyone else with her, which was a relief. But her scent was coated in deep fear and anxiety, and that’s why he didn’t hesitate as he flew the door open.

Gwyn was lying in bed, tossing around the covers, forehead frowned in discomfort. Her nightgown had gone up to her thighs, and he mentally punched himself for even noticing that.

She’s having a nightmare .

“Gwyn,” he kneeled down before her, unsure whether to shake her awake. He didn’t want to touch her without her consent. So he decided to speak a bit louder, “Gwyneth.”

But she only whimpered in response, her full lips parted, and seeing her like this completely shattered him.

“Gwyn,” but his voice was not helping in the slightest.

Azriel didn’t know what to do. Without touching her, she wouldn’t wake up. But what if his touch only upset her more?

He didn’t have much more time to overthink it, as his shadows left him completely to wrap around her shivering body instead, and cover her entirely. Gwyn stopped moving around. The shock in her face visibly soothed down until it disappeared, and her breathing evened.

Azriel let out a relieved sigh as two more figures entered the bedroom behind him.

“What happened?”

Nesta’s body was barely covered by a silk robe, and Cassian was essentially naked except for his underwear. It was pretty obvious what they had been up to before coming down here. But Azriel ignored all that and focused back on the priestess, who was now sleeping peacefully.

“She had a nightmare,” the Shadowsinger told his brother and sister as he stood back up from the side of her bed. “She screamed in her sleep.”

Nesta’s eyes were full of worry as she looked at her friend, wrapped in Azriel’s shadows barely a few feet away. Before Cassian could stop her, she walked up to her bed, grabbed a blanket, and placed it over her cold body before kissing the crown of her head softly.

The shadows floated back behind Azriel as Nesta walked away. Cassian had his eyes on his brother, forehead frowned in confusion. But he didn’t say anything.

“Go back to sleep, Az,” Nesta pushed herself up on her tiptoes to kiss her brother’s cheek. “Thank you for coming to check on her.”

Azriel only nodded. Of course he was going to check on her, see if she was okay. Because if she wasn’t… if she somehow got hurt again…

“Goodnight, brother,” Cassian gave him a small smile before walking away behind his mate.

The Shadowsinger took one last look at Gwyn. He didn’t know if she was fully okay, but at least she looked at peace now.

We’ll take care of her.

He smiled at his shadows.

Yeah. We will .

Chapter 2 Chapter Text

Gwyn woke up with a sore throat and a pounding headache. She felt trapped between the four walls of her bedroom, and wanted to get out immediately.

The hall was deserted. The sun was barely peeking through the glass windows, so she guessed it was barely the morning. But she didn’t care. She needed to breathe outside those walls.

The training ring was empty when she arrived, but she paid no mind to it as she started her morning stretches, alone.

Something had happened last night. There was no other explanation for the tight, uncomfortable, clingy feeling in her chest. It wouldn’t be surprising if it had been a nightmare — sadly, she was no stranger to those. And she could only imagine what that nightmare had been about.

She confirmed that she had, in fact, had a nightmare when Nesta arrived at the ring an hour later, followed by Cassian and Emerie. No sight of Azriel.

“You screamed, and we thought someone had attacked you,” her sister explained in a concerned voice. “But Az told us it was just a nightmare.”

Gwyn frowned, “Az?”

The woman nodded, “He was already there, by your side. His shadows were wrapped around you.”

Would it be possible…? Could his shadows have vanished the memory of last night’s nightmare? Had it really been that bad?

She didn’t have time to ask, as Cassian clapped his hands together and the lesson began.

Azriel arrived two hours later, when they had just one hour of training left. Gwyn noticed how a few priestesses stopped on their tracks to look at him, mentally drool over him, and honestly… she could understand why.

The Spymaster was tall, dark, broad, mysterious, mesmerising. She hadn’t met a man like him before, doubted she ever would. His long wings were tightly tucked in behind his wide back, and for a moment she wished he would set them free.

Gwyn had only seen Azriel’s wings in full glory once, that night at the temple. She remembered being impressed by the size, even in her state, as she had never seen anything like that.

She wished she could see them again. She’s seen Rhy’s wings before, even Cassian’s, but if she remembered correctly, Az’s were just a tiny bit more impressive.

Maybe she was biased.

“You’re distracted,” Emerie nudged her, a faint smile forming on her lips.

“No, I’m not,” Gwyn shot back immediately, focusing her attention back on their exercises.

Nesta arched a playful eyebrow, “What were you thinking about?”

“Nothing,” when it became obvious their friends weren’t buying it, she said, “I wasn’t thinking about anything.”

“Huh,” Nesta grinned.

Emerie mimicked her sister’s smile, “Right. Sorry, Gwyn, our bad,” the priestess braced herself. Nothing good ever came out of Emerie’s sarcasm. “You weren’t thinking about anything. You were simply staring right at Azriel. Got it.”

Gwyn was pretty sure her cheeks had turned bright red.

“Interesting,” Nesta murmured, pretending to be focused on their training. The last thing she wanted was for Cassian to bark at them while they teased Gwyn about this . “And do you find anything particularly fascinating about him, Gwyn?”

She shook her head no, the lie visible before she even let it out, “Why would I?”

“Oh, please,” Emerie rolled her eyes. “Just say it, Gwyn. We promise we won’t judge you.”

Nesta nodded frantically besides her. Gwyn let out a deep sigh, and not because of the efforts of training. She knew her sisters weren’t going to judge her, but…

“It’s just embarrassing, alright?”, she confessed.

“Azriel once caught me sucking Cassian under the dining room table,” Nesta blurted out, “I think I’ll beat you to embarrassing , Gwyn.”

The two Valkyries bursted out laughing, gaining a questioning look from both Illyrian males across the ring. Cassian shouted at them, telling them to focus or deal with the consequences, and Nesta flipped him off.

“Okay, I’m gonna need some more details on that,” Emerie said finally, tears still rolling down her cheeks. She turned to Gwyn, “But first. Come on, Gwyneth. Spill.”

Alright, alright. Nesta had a point — this was most likely not more embarrassing than her own experience.

“Fine,” she started. “I was just looking at his wings.”

Both females raised her eyebrows, surprised, and Gwyn stared down at her own feet, “See? I knew it was stupid.”

“No, no, no,” Nesta quickly said. “It’s just…”

And then her friends started giggling again, silent words passing between her two sisters.

“What?”, Gwyn hissed.

“Oh, it’s just… you know what they say about Illyrian wingspans,” Emerie winked at her, fully aware that she, in fact, didn’t know what they said about Illyrian wingspans.

“What about his wingspan?”, the priestess asked in confusion.

Nesta explained, “They say an Illyrian warrior’s wingspan is proportional to the size of… another of his body parts.”

Gwyn’s heart stopped. She wasn’t that naive to not understand what her sister was implying.

“And if I’m being honest,” she continued, whispering now, “Azriel has the biggest wingspan of the three.”

She knew which three she was referring to: Rhysand, Cassian and Azriel. And if Az’s wingspan was the biggest, that meant he also had the biggest…

“Okay, back to training,” Gwyn snapped out of it before the embarrassment in her face became too obvious, but it didn’t stop the other two girls from laughing at her reaction.

Gwyn hated herself for the rest of the training. Her mind couldn’t stop racing, couldn’t stop thinking about what her friends had just revealed. Something inside her burned with desire at the thought of that possibility being true, but… deep down she knew she never stood a chance.

Azriel’d had many lovers throughout the centuries, experienced ones who knew how to please him just right. All she knew about sex she had learned from books, but she had never done any of it in her real life.

She felt like a complete fool for even thinking about Azriel like that, as if he’d ever see her as something else other than Nesta’s priestess friend. As something else other than a Valkyrie he had to train.

Yeah, she was a dumb fool.

The morning session ended, and Gwyn lingered by the water fountain while Nesta talked to Cassian and Azriel. She didn’t want to go back to her room, or to the library just yet, but she was afraid she didn’t have another choice.

She still hadn’t made the bed, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to return to her bedroom anyway. Something had trapped her last night, in a nightmare, and the odd feeling hadn’t gone away. Nesta said she had screamed in her sleep. Azriel’s shadows had wrapped around her. She—

She completely lost her train of thought the second Azriel’s wings spread out fully.

Nesta wasn’t exaggerating after all.

Azriel’s wings were big enough to wrap his brother and his mate around them, and she found herself swallowing at the sight. If Nesta was right, that meant…

“You okay over there, Berdara?”

Gwyn’s face paled.

“Fine,” she managed to let out. She didn’t dare to look at her sister next to him, who was probably smiling knowingly. “Where… where are you going?”

Azriel crossed his arms in front of his chest, “To the River House to see Nyx,” a pause. Then, “Why? Wanna come?”

Gwyn wasn’t breathing by that point. Yes, she wanted to go with him, badly. Yes, she wanted to stop feeling so trapped around these walls, but…

“I… don’t think I’m ready to go down to Velaris just yet,” she admitted. She felt like a defeated failure.

But Cassian stepped in, “Azriel can winnow you down there if you’d like,” his eyes turned soft, “No need to fly around if that makes you nervous.”

Gwyn frowned, “I didn’t know you could winnow.”

The man shrugged, “Technically, I can’t. It’s something else, but essentially the same thing.”

In response, his shadows travelled all the way up to her and wrapped around her torso, as if pushing her toward their owner. Gwyn giggled under Nesta and Cassian’s astonished eyes.

“Okay, okay,” she finally gave him, and the shadows danced around her happily. “I don’t want to be a burden for Feyre and Rhysand, though.”

“You won’t be,” Nesta stepped in quickly. “They really like you, you know? You’re the amazing friend who finally pushed some sense into me, after all.”

Gwyn smiled at that, then locked eyes with Azriel, who was already looking at her, “Only if you’re sure,” she told him.

He extended his hand for her to take, “Let’s go.”

She walked towards him, hesitation in her steps, and hesitation in her hand as she intertwined her fingers with his. His skin was surprisingly soft for a warrior, his hold steady as she’d expected. And those scars… she wished she had the courage to kiss every single one of them.

But Azriel shoved their hands down quickly, as if he didn’t want to look at his for too long, “Flying or winnowing, then?”

Gwyn didn’t even consider it, “Winnowing. I don’t think I’m ready to fly… yet.”

“Alright,” he squeezed her hand in reassurance, and she could swear she felt one of his fingers caress her skin softly. A comforting touch.

But before she could properly register any of that, they were gone.

Feyre and Rhysand’s house was the most stunning place she had ever been in. Not even the temple could compare to its beauty and character. It was gigantic yet cosy, definitely a home meant to raise a family.

She couldn’t help but feel a bit envious about it all. In a non-ill way, of course, but she still felt that empty depth inside as she scanned her surroundings.

Everything around her served as a reminder of what she would never have. Of what that Hybern General had taken away from her. Her sister, her family, her everything.

This isn’t the time to cry , she thought to herself as a very smiley Feyre greeted them by the door with an equally amused Nyx between her arms.

She picked up the baby’s hand and waved it in front of him. The little Illyrian boy chuckled, “Say hi, Uncle Az. Say hi, Auntie Gwyn.”

The words felt as if someone had knocked all the air out of her lungs.

Auntie Gwyn.

Was that who she was to Nyx? To Feyre and Rhys? To everyone else, now?

Her heart was about to explode with love and confusion, and it only got worse when Nyx attempted to fly towards them, and Azriel caught him right before he plopped down to the ground.

“He flies ,” Gwyn opened her eyes widely, making Feyre laugh.

“Yeah, it’s all he’s been doing for the past month,” the High Lady shook her head softly in dismay. The bags under her eyes were proof enough that their son probably loved flying more than he should.

Gwyn had only seen Nyx once before, and it had been pretty soon after he was born, when he could barely lift his own head, let alone fly around. So this was new, and exciting.

Nyx wrapped his tiny arms around Azriel’s neck, and giggled as if his uncle had just told him the funniest joke. His shadows wrapped around the baby, and he lifted his short arms to try and catch them. He squealed every time they slipped through his chubby fingers.

“He’s obsessed with them,” a new voice said across the room. Gwyn snapped her head around to see Rhysand leaning against the doorframe, a wide grin on his face. “Glad to see you, Gwyn. How is training going?”

Out of the three brothers, Gwyn knew Rhys the least, as she barely saw him these days. But she’d always felt something warm around him, something good . It made her trust him with her life, for some reason, just like she felt towards Cassian and Az.

Well, maybe she trusted Azriel a bit more than the others. Nothing personal.

So, when he smiled at her, Gwyn threw him an equally bright smile, if not more, “We are surprisingly not done with those two dumbasses yet.”

Rhysand chuckled, and even Azriel smiled just a bit.

“I bet they’re a pain in the ass,” the High Lord teased.

Gwyn grinned, “They sure are.”

“I’m literally right here,” Az complained as Nyx tried to catch yet another floating shadow. A few of them made their way towards Gwyn, wrapping around her arms. The baby saw them, and immediately wanted to grab those too.

Gwyn’s heart started beating faster when Nyx’s tiny arms reached for her. She looked at Feyre with concerned eyes, “Can… Can I hold him?”

The woman smiled softly, “Please.”

Azriel’s quiet eyes were glued on her as he passed the baby to her awaiting arms. Nyx attempted to fly away, giggling as he went, but Gwyn pulled him quickly back down against her chest.

“Where do you think you’re going, mister?”, she teased him, making Nyx giggle again. He was the happiest baby she had ever met.

The little Illyrian boy grabbed onto Gwyn’s hair next, carefully, mesmerised by the bright color of the long strands. The Spymaster’s shadows left him completely to wrap around the priestess and his nephew. Gwyn swore she heard them sing.

Azriel’s heart fluttered at the sight. He ignored it, but his brother didn’t.

Careful, your jaw is on the floor .

Rhysand’s voice invaded Azriel’s mind suddenly, and he almost jumped.

Your shields are down, Rhys teased.

No shit.

The High Lord laughed at his brother’s reaction, “Come on. We’ll show you up to Nyx’s bedroom.”

“He decorated it himself,” Feyre added with a faint sigh, “Against our will, but.”

“Turns out you shouldn’t leave an open can of fresh paint around a child, Feyre darling,” Rhys winked to his mate, who simply rolled her eyes in response.

Gwyn laughed, and followed them upstairs with Nyx and the shadows still on her. Azriel followed them close behind, eyes never leaving the priestess.

The first hour speeded by, or at least in Gwyn’s perception. She had been worried at first about Rhysand and Feyre’s reaction to seeing her there in their home, unannounced, but they had been nothing but welcoming. Nyx seemed to approve of her presence, too.

Az was quieter than usual, but she tried to pay no mind to it as they sat down in the sunny garden while Rhysand played with his son on the grass.

“Are you coming to Mor’s birthday party, Gwyn?”, Feyre asked her after a few minutes under the sun. The breeze was cool, and the priestess hadn’t felt so calm in a long time. She’d definitely made the right choice by coming here.

Gwyn played with a loose thread on her leathers, “I don’t know,” she admitted, “I don’t know Mor that well.”

“Oh, she likes you,” Rhysand said from his spot on the grass. Watching the High Lord all sprawled out on the ground, throwing a small ball at his son was a sight she never thought she would see. “Don’t even worry about it.”

Gwyn bit down on her lower lip, still unsure. She didn’t want to be a burden. She didn’t even know if it would be wise to be around such a big crowd, if—

“You should come,” Az encouraged her with a warm smile. “I’ll be there. We can leave if it gets overwhelming.”

The priestess shook her head, “I wouldn’t want you to miss the party because of me.”

“All he’ll do is lurk in the shadows anyway,” Rhys smirked up at his brother. “I think it would actually do him good if you were there with him.”

Azriel opened up his shield, knowing his brother was already on the other side.

Fuck you, Rhysand.

As soon as you two leave .

Azriel rolled his eyes to the back of his head in annoyance.

“It’s at the end of the week,” Feyre added with an encouraging smile. “You still have time to decide.”

Gwyn smiled back, “Thank you for the invite. I’ll definitely think about it.”

“That’s the spirit,” Rhysand winked.

Nyx squealed next to him as Azriel’s shadows wrapped around his little hands, and her heart imploded.

She let out a deep breath. She could do this. No big deal.

After having taken an afternoon bath after work, Gwyn found herself standing in front of her bedroom mirror again, a towel wrapped around her naked body tightly.

Staring at herself right in the eye, she started by lowering her towel and stopping right under her breasts. Her nipples hardened at the contact with the chilled air, but that wasn’t what the young priestess was focused on. Oh, no.

The small marks around her breasts suddenly seemed way bigger, uglier than she had seen them before. She knew she had those exact same marks inside her tights, and she didn’t want to look at them later. She couldn’t.

Ugly. Disgusting. Broken .

That’s what you are. That’s why you were—

A soft knock on her bedroom door made her jump. She covered her body with the towel again, quick as lightning.

“Who is it?”, she shouted, but didn’t need to hear the answer when a strand of misty shadows creeped under her door, greeting her.

Beautiful .

It wasn’t her own mind speaking to her this time.

“Just came to see if you wanted to have some dinner,” Azriel said from the other side of the door, which remained closed. “Nesta and Cassian are out.”

Right, right. She remembered now. Nesta had said something about a date the other day.

“Y-Yeah,” she shouted back at the Shadowsinger. “Give me a minute!”

“I’ll wait for you at the dining table.”

And his shadows left with him.

Azriel had to get his shit together. For real. He was a fucking mess, but the problem was that it was now too obvious. At least according to Rhys.

He plopped himself down on one of the dining room chairs, behind the big table he had caught Nesta and Cassian doing that unspeakable thing all those months ago, and let his shadows consume him.

He needed to keep his cool around Gwyn, because whatever the fuck he felt whenever she was around was becoming too much. Even Feyre had told him earlier mind-to-mind that she could smell a certain… something, in him, and that he should tone it down not to scare Gwyn away.

Mother, he would hate himself for centuries if he did that to her.

However, he just couldn’t help it. Something in his chest exploded every time she smiled at him, which was always , and it was driving him insane. Because he couldn’t understand how someone who had gone through such vile things still shone like the morning sun, like the night sky, and everything else combined. She didn’t let her past swallow her present, and he admired her for that.

If only he could tell her, let her know how she made him feel. Alive. Whole. Happy.

He was a goddamn fool, wasn’t he?

It didn’t help that she tended to take his breath away every time she made an appearance. Tonight wasn’t an exception.

Gwyn was wearing a simple yet elegant grey dress, her long hair behind her ears, still a bit wet from her bath. And Mother, did she smell good…

You’re drooling.

“What’s for dinner?”, Gwyn smiled as she took the seat in front of him.

Immediately the House made two plates full of food appear in front of the pair, “Oh, salmon,” Gwyn opened her eyes wide in amusement. “It’s been so long since I last had it. Thank you, House.”

The House lit a big candle in the middle of the table as a response.

“How was the rest of your day?”, Azriel asked her as he took his first bite. He hadn’t eaten all day.

“A bit boring,” she admitted as she chewed on the side potatoes. “But I found a new novel I want to read, so I guess it wasn’t a total waste of time.”

Azriel couldn’t help but grin, “Another filthy book, I suppose.”

“Um, not really,” when he shot his head up to look at her, her smile had disappeared. Her cheeks were flushed, too. “It’s a different kind of book.”

The Shadowsinger took another bite of fish and spoke carefully, “Do you wanna tell me about it?”

Gwyn swallowed her food, then took a sip of cold water.

You can do this. It’s nothing .

But that’s what she always told herself when she stood in front of the mirror, and she had never been able to overcome her insecurities. She mentally shook her head. This was Azriel, of all people. She had nothing to worry about, not with him.

“It’s, um,” she started, more unsure than she would’ve liked to be. She couldn’t look at him. “It’s about a girl who goes through some things and then… and then she has to learn to live with it.”

Azriel’s heart sank to the floor, to the very depths of the House. His shadows danced around his folded wings, silently asking for permission to wrap around Gwyn. He gave them the green light.

The young priestess visibly cheered a bit when a playful shadow caressed her cheek gently. Only then did she find the strength to meet his deep stare.

“I think it’ll help me overcome my own past,” she confessed.

She wants a hug .

But Azriel didn’t move.

“You’re brave, Gwyn,” he managed to let out. When those big, hopeful eyes stared right back at his own, he melted. “You’re braver than most people I know. And you’re doing amazing. I’m… I’m proud of you.”

Gwyn’s teal eyes started to shine more and more under the dim light of the candle, and Az soon understood that she was about to cry.

Hug her .

He extended his hand over the table instead, offering it to her, and she immediately wrapped her fingers around his and squeezed.

“It means a lot, Az,” she smiled softly. The sight of her broke him. “Thank you.”

He squeezed her hand again. If she cried… Mother, if she cried he’d have to hold himself back from crying too, and he wasn’t too sure if he would be able to.

“I might have to borrow it after you’re done reading it,” he spoke softly.

Gwyn’s alarms went off in her head, “Az…”

He squeezed her hand again, and she immediately understood what he meant.

His scars. They were like rivers flowing through a mountain, like the shooting stars above in the sky. She never knew the mere sight of them made him feel so… so insecure. She wouldn’t allow any other second of that happening.

And so Gwyn took his hand in hers and lifted it to meet her lips, until they were softly pressed against the first scar. Then the next, then the next.

Azriel’s whole world collapsed at his feet. Nobody had ever done this for him, to him. Gwyn wasn’t disgusted by his scars or by what those hands had done. No. She was kissing every inch of his exposed skin there, and he felt a piece of him getting glued back together with every touch of her delicate lips.

As if she had read his mind, she whispered, “These are the hands that saved me,” she kissed the last scar gently before looking up at him. She smiled, “You saved me, Azriel.”

He was speechless. Truly and utterly speechless. She couldn’t be real. She was too good to be true.

And then Gwyn moved on to his other hand, kissing his scars there as well, awaking something in him. A primal need to have her close, make her feel as good as she was making him feel right now. All his senses tingled, and he was pretty sure he had lost his mind for real.

Her fair skin against his dark one was driving him insane. She was strikingly beautiful inside and out, and he needed to let her know. He wanted to be there for her, just like she was being there for him now.

“Gwyn,” he started softly. The priestess hummed against his hand, sending a tingle down his spine. “Look at me, Gwyn.”

Her teal eyes were shining when they met his.

Kiss her .

Azriel brought her hand to his own lips, pressing them softly against her porcelain skin. Gwyn was out of breath.

“I’m here for you,” he whispered as he rubbed small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb.

Gwyn nodded, mesmerised by how gentle the Spymaster could be. “I know,” she whispered back, “And I’m here for you. Always.”

His shadows danced around both of them, around their locked hands, as if they were trying to make something happen. But Azriel knew she wasn’t ready. And maybe he wasn’t, either. Not when both his heart and his head were such a fucking mess.

“Az, I…”

Gwyn didn’t get to finish her sentence as a loud explosion down in Velaris shook the entire House.

Chapter 3 Chapter Text

Azriel had never jumped faster. His shadows immediately transported him to Gwyn’s side of the table, where he wrapped his arms and wings around her just as a nearby window exploded, sending debris their way.

Gwyn hid her face on his chest and tried not to scream. Azriel’s hands were gripping at her waist tightly, holding her steady and in place, but almost burning her skin through the thin fabric of her dress.

The hands she had been kissing mercilessly for the past few minutes now were keeping her safe, just like they’d done from the first moment they met.

“It’s okay,” she heard him mutter after the initial shock of the explosion was over. “My shadows are telling me it was an accident down in the city.”

His long wings unwrapped from her body, but his hands and shadows didn’t. She looked up at him with worry in her eyes, “It wasn’t an attack?”

Azriel squeezed her waist absentmindedly, then immediately regretted it. He shouldn’t be this fucking close to her, not when—

She likes it.

“It’s unlikely,” he swallowed, ignoring his shadows. “I’m going to take you to the River House while I scan the area. Just in case.”

Gwyn didn’t have enough time to either nod or complain as a dark cloud of heavy shadows swallowed them whole, and the next thing she knew was that she found herself in Feyre and Rhysand’s foyer.

“Az!”, it was Mor’s voice that she heard first. “Gwyn! Thank the Mother you’re fine,” she looked briefly at the Shadowsinger, whose hands were still around the priestess, “What the hell was that?”

The High Lord and Lady appeared right behind her, as well as Amren and Varian. And Elain.

“Accident,” Azriel told Rhysand as he finally let go of Gwyn. He looked at his brother with serious eyes, “Cassian and Nesta?”

“Scanning the area already,” he informed him. “You’re free to go too,” he took a quick glance at the girl in his arms. “If you wish.”

Azriel nodded, and without so much as looking down at Gwyn or saying goodbye, he disappeared into the shadows again.

“Come on, let’s go sit by the fire,” Mor put an arm around Gwyn’s shoulders, guiding her across the halls. She followed her silently.

Once in a quieter and smaller room, Elain was quick to place a hot cup of cocoa between her shaking hands. She smiled down at her, “Here. It’ll help you calm down.”

Gwyn returned the gesture, “Thank you,” she took a small sip before turning her gaze to Amren, who was looking at her with scrunched eyebrows.

“Nyx didn’t wake up with the explosion?”, Varian then asked Feyre, who shook her head in relief.

“We didn’t hear it as much as we felt it,” she said, then looked back at Gwyn, features softening. “It happened right under the House of Wind, though. Are you okay?”

She didn’t know what to say. She was… “Yeah, I’m fine,” she looked down at the steamy cup between her hands. “A window broke, though.”

Rhysand smiled softly at her, “It's already fixed,” he said in a somewhat smug voice.

Gwyn feared she’d never truly understand the extent of his powers, or what they really entailed. How the hell had he managed to fix something so quickly, just like that? When he hadn’t even been there? She mentally shrugged. There was a reason he was the High Lord after all, wasn’t there?

Amren broke the silence next, her words shot directly at the priestess, “Why are Azriel’s shadows around you?”

“What?”

Frowning, Gwyn looked down at her lap. Nothing. Then she looked over her shoulder and, sure enough, a few dark shadows were gathered there, dancing behind her. Keeping her safe while Azriel was gone.

“They, um,” she prayed her cheeks weren’t flushed. Jeez, she prayed so hard. “They like me, I guess.”

But Amren wasn’t convinced, “Az’s shadows don’t even like Azriel,” she joked, or least Gwyn hoped she did. “Interesting.”

She caught a glimpse of Feyre’s warning look to Amren, and the woman shut up instantly. She already looked satisfied with the conclusions she had reached, anyway. Whatever they might be.

We do like you .

“What?”, she repeated as she looked around, confused.

“I didn’t say anything, girl,” Amren frowned.

But Rhys smirked, “The shadows are whispering to you,” when Gwyn looked at him with big, shocked eyes, the High Lord’s smile widened. “They speak to Azriel all the time. Nothing to worry about. They’re just being playful.”

Yes. Because we like you .

Gwyn smiled softly at the floaty presence behind her.

I like you too , she said in her mind, testing to see if they could hear her like that. Apparently it worked, because the shadows caressed her cheek softly in response.

As the minutes went by, conversation flowed easily around her, and she was content with just sitting back and listening to everyone talk about anything and everything. Nobody seemed to be too worried about the explosion in Velaris, which she guessed ultimately was a good thing. She allowed herself to relax, too.

When her cup of cocoa was empty, Elain offered her another one, but she politely declined. The girl took the seat next to her then, silently hearing everyone in the room as well. A calming presence.

Azriel, Nesta and Cassian arrived back at the house an hour later.

“No casualties,” was the first thing Cassian said as he walked in. Gwyn swore the air around them got a lot lighter with the confirmation.

“It was just a kitchen fire gone wild,” Nesta continued.

Then her eyes met Gwyn’s, noticing the shadows around her sister, and smiled. The priestess smiled back, although her gaze quickly turned to the Shadowsinger behind her.

But he wasn’t looking back at her.

Azriel was not avoiding Gwyn, no matter what his shadows were trying to tell him.

He was just… busy. And so was she, apparently, since the only times he saw her the following two days was during training. She didn’t show up to their late-night sessions either, and he didn’t go looking for her.

She had kissed his scars that night, and he had kissed her sorrows away. That didn’t have to mean anything. That didn’t change anything between them. Gwyn was probably just being friendly, behaving like usual herself. She cared about him just like she cared about Cassian and her sisters, and that was that.

He shouldn’t feel this fucking nervous about facing her again.

“You’re acting weird,” Amren had told him the previous day, arms crossed, brows frowned, as she scanned him while in Rhys’s office.

“And when am I not?”, was his only response.

“You have a point,” the girl examined his face slowly. “But still.”

Azriel said nothing else as he waited for Rhysand to finish reading his report. His brother was sitting behind his desk, completely ignoring the conversation around him. It was probably for the best.

Amren, though, wasn’t going to give up so easily.

“I’ve heard your shadows found a new Mommy.”

Now Rhys looked up from his papers, a confused look in his face before it sank in. He shook his head in amusement before going back to the report.

“Why are you even here, Amren?”, was the only thing Azriel responded.

The girl smirked, “Because I’m curious to find out more about this… entanglement.”

The Spymaster rolled his eyes, then turned to his brother, “Everything okay?”

Rhysand hummed, but gestured for him to stay put. When he was finally done with the papers, he said, “Amren is right. You’re acting weird.”

Azriel couldn’t believe his own ears, “That’s all you have to say about my report? That I’m acting weird?”

Rhysand shrugged, “I said the report was fine,” he sat back on his chair and narrowed his eyes. “But you’re not. You’re distracted.”

“I’m not distracted.”

“Azriel.”

“Rhysand.”

Is it because of Gwyn?

Azriel cursed to himself for having forgotten his shields again.

No. Let it go.

But I don’t want to .

“Oh, come on guys,” Amren complained from her seat. “Mind-talking? Really? You’re the fucking worst.”

The brothers ignored her despite the consequences.

Your shadows whispered to her the other day. Did you know that?

Azriel froze into place. No, in fact, he didn’t have a clue. But he wasn’t going to let his surprise show.

So what?

They’ve never done that before. Don’t you think it means—?

It means they like her .

Silence. And then,

You like her, too .

The Shadowsinger didn’t have the energy to lie to his brother. So he said nothing, and waited for Rhys to reach his own conclusions. But the High Lord had already reached them a long time ago. And he wasn’t going to say them out loud, not to Azriel at least. Not for now.

“Are you done gossiping?”, Amren’s voice startled both of them, as if they had forgotten she was still in the room. She turned to the Spymaster, “I’m bored of your bullshit, Az. Just kiss her, it’s not a big deal.”

Dark shadows started dancing around his wings, “It is a big deal.”

Amren frowned, “You’ve kissed plenty of women before. It shouldn’t be.”

“It’s different,” he responded through gritted teeth.

“How so?”

“Mother, Amren! Are you fucking dense?”

Rhysand froze, and so did the woman. Azriel had never spoken to them like that. He was visibly agitated, his syphons flaring, and Amren knew right then that she had possibly pushed him too far.

“Gwyn is…,” Azriel tried to collect himself, ashamed for having snapped like that. He sighed, “Gwyn was one of the priestesses I rescued at Sangravah.”

Amren’s eyes widened in horror, “I didn’t know—”

“She’s been through some very cruel shit,” Azriel continued, eyes glued to the ground as he tried to control the power in his syphons. “So, yes, Amren. It’s a big deal if I kiss her.”

Silence washed over Rhys’s office as they looked for the right words to say. Of course Rhysand knew about Gwyn. He wasn’t aware of the details, nor did he want to learn them, but he knew the girl had endured many similar things to what he had lived through in Under the Mountain. She was a survivor, an incredibly brave one, and the fact that she could even stand in the same room as the three Illyrian warriors and be calm about it spoke loudly about her strength.

“I’m sorry,” Amren whispered softly to her friend. “I didn’t know.”

“It’s okay,” Azriel reassured her. “I’m sorry for having snapped like that. I should be able to control myself.”

Rhysand eyed him with caution. Yes, indeed. Azriel should’ve been able to control himself. But he hadn’t.

“Do I have permission to leave now?”, the Shadowsinger asked his brother, more serenely now.

Rhysand took one last look at him. He shouldn’t be making these assumptions. It wasn’t his life after all, but…

The High Lord nodded, “You’re free to go.”

Gwyn was not avoiding Azriel. At least not on purpose.

Merrill had kept her afternoons and nights quite busy with the new book she was writing, and Gwyn couldn’t exactly say no. So when she got back to her room, it was already past their usual training time. Azriel wouldn’t be waiting for her on the ring anyway, so she didn’t go.

His shadows didn’t visit her, either. And she missed their embrace, their reassurance, the calm they brought.

It wasn’t until the morning of Mor’s birthday party when she saw him again outside their daily training with the other priestess. His shadows approached her first, wrapping around her torso.

“I thought you had run away, Shadowsinger,” she teased him as he appeared in the dining hall, the sun shining on his tanned skin. Her eyes travelled directly to his hands.

“I could say the same about you,” he teased back, leaning against the nearest wall. He watched calmly as his shadows danced around Gwyn.

The priestess didn’t hesitate as she walked towards him, close, too close. And before he could process what was going on, Gwyn’s arms wrapped around his torso.

“I’ve missed you,” she mumbled into his chest.

His heart tightened at the feeling of her body against her own, of her sweet scent. Mother . Azriel didn’t waste another second, wrapping both of his arms around her petite form, and bringing her closer.

“I’ve missed you, too,” he admitted.

We’ve missed her, too .

“I’ve decided something,” Gwyn said suddenly, snapping her head up to look at him. But she didn’t pull away from his embrace.

“Yeah?”

She nodded, “I’ll go to Mor’s birthday party tonight,” she smiled wickedly, a spark in her eyes. “But only if you dance with me.”

Azriel was pretty sure his heart was about to explode.

“I’m not a great dancer,” his voice was so low it made Gwyn shiver. He brushed his hands on her back to give her heat. Little did he know she wasn’t cold in the slightest.

“That’s good, because neither am I,” the girl giggled. “But what do you say? Deal?”

Azriel was painfully aware of how close they were standing next to each other. They were holding each other, for fucks sake. If Cassian or Nesta walked in, he wouldn’t be ready for the million questions they’d for sure bombard him with.

But he knew the answer to her request.

“Alright. Deal.”

Just as the words left his lips, a burning feeling on his left shoulder made him realise what they’d just done. Gwyn, judging by the expression on her face, seemed to have noticed as well.

They burst out laughing.

“Oh, Mother,” Gwyn shook her head in amusement, then released herself from Azriel’s grip to turn around. “What is it?”

Azriel swallowed. Gwyn’s shoulders were covered by the green fabric of her dress, and he probably shouldn’t even think about slipping it down her arm. But she was asking him to.

Gwyn looked back at him, immediately understanding his hesitation, “It’s fine,” she smiled softly. “You can… You can touch me.”

Azriel tried to keep it cool while his hand travelled to the zip at the back of her dress, way too tiny on his big fingers. He held his breath as he pulled it down just enough to expose the pale skin on her shoulder. Carefully, he set the fabric to the side, his scars brushing her back. Gwyn shivered, biting down on her lip.

And there it was. Black, small, contrasting with her bright skin.

“It’s a little musical note,” he said in a raspier voice than he had intended.

Gwyn chuckled, “Cute.”

So are you .

Azriel had to get his shit together. He couldn’t lose his mind like this, not around her. Not when she could easily smell his arousal and… No. He risked scaring her away for life. It wasn’t worthy.

But she was.

“So I guess there’s that,” Gwyn smiled again once Azriel zipped the back of her dress back up. “I’ll see you on the dancefloor, Shadowsinger.”

The man smiled back, “Looking forward to seeing your worst, Berdara.”

And when she laughed again, his shadows sang.

Gwyn found herself looking back at her reflection once again. This time, however, she wasn’t naked.

She was fully dressed in a darkish, teal dress Nesta had insisted that she wore tonight. And she could see why. Perhaps the cleavage was a bit too much for her, but she didn’t feel disgusting, and that was new. She could only hope it would last.

The dress was long-sleeved, and the flowy skirt reached just above her knees. It certainly complimented her copper hair and fair skin, but…

She swallowed. Maybe it was a bit too much. Maybe she would send the wrong message.

She didn’t know who was going to be at the party. People she had never seen before, probably. Men she had never met before.

Relax, Gwyn. Your friends will be there.

Az will be there .

She would be fine. Before she had time to overthink her outfit once more, a soft knock on her door startled her. Then two heads popped inside, grinning widely.

“Gwyn! You look amazing!”

“Aw! Look at you, Gwyn.”

The young priestess shook her head in amusement as she gestured to her sisters to come inside. Nesta, who was wearing a flowy black dress with an amazing and brave cleavage, closed the door behind her. Emerie was wearing a golden, tight dress that looked stunning against her dark skin.

And she looked… like a child, compared to them.

Emerie was the first one to notice the way her face fell, “Don’t you dare, Gwyneth,” the girl went to stand behind her sister in front of the mirror, and forced her to stare at her reflection. “You look ethereal, Gwyn. You look like you .”

Nesta nodded beside them, “You look like a princess, Gwyn. For real,” she looked at her softly. “I know a certain someone who won’t be able to look away from you all night.”

Emerie giggled, and Gwyn blushed and looked down at her feet, but couldn’t help the smile drawing on her lips.

“I’ve never been to a party like this before,” she confessed, letting the fear show in her eyes.

“They’re fun, I promise,” Nesta assured her. “And we’ll be there for you if you need anything.”

“Plus, you’ll basically have a personal bodyguard the whole time, so,” Emerie teased her.

Gwyn shook her head, “I’m sure Az will be there to have fun,” she tugged at the end of her dress. “He won’t be looking after me.”

He’ll probably enjoy the company of some gorgeous woman who isn’t completely incapable of meeting his needs. Unlike her. She tried to convince herself that it didn’t bother her.

“If you say so,” Nesta shrugged, and took one last look at her sister, unable to read her face. “Come on, let’s go. Rhys is coming to winnow us down to Rita’s.”

Gwyn forced herself to think of absolutely nothing on her way there. Rhysand complimented her on her outfit when he saw her, and she knew he was being genuine, but it didn’t make her feel any better.

And, once at Rita’s, the feeling didn’t change. If anything, it only got worse.

Everyone looked stunning. The boys looked alright, but the girls… Holy Cauldron.

They looked sexy, fierce, ready to have fun. And the more she looked at them, the more she analysed their stunning and brave outfits, the worse she felt about her own.

Her cute little dress didn’t make her look sexy or fierce. It made her look like a naive child who didn’t belong in such a mature setting. Luckily, it was guaranteed that no one would bat an eyelid at her because of it. Perhaps it was a good thing, after all.

“You look great, Gwyn,” Lucien had told her as he passed by, Elain clinged to his arm. She blushed and smiled at him.

But she still felt like shit.

The music was loud, although it didn’t bother her that much. What bothered her was that there was no sight of Azriel at all. He hadn’t been in the House earlier, and now he wasn’t here.

Perhaps he had decided not to come. Maybe he just didn’t want to dance with her despite their deal. Or perhaps he was busy somewhere else, with somebody else.

She tried to ignore the anxiety that clinged to her chest as Emerie passed her a fizzy drink. She took one sip of the pink liquid, and immediately hated it.

“No alcohol,” Nesta winked at her. “Same here. No big deal, Gwyn.”

She smiled a bit, but deep down she was still too nervous. Looking around, she tried to find some familiar faces. Not even Azriel, but just… anyone.

Her eyes travelled to Amren and Varian making out on the far corner of the bar, and she giggled to herself. Definitely not the kind of company she was looking for.

Suddenly, Gwyn felt a strong pair of hands wrap around her waist, bringing her close to an unknown body. She held her breath and, as she turned around, she realised she had absolutely no clue who this man was.

So she flinched, and pulled herself out of his embrace.

“Hello, pretty lady,” the man grinned down at her, his breath hitting her face. It stunk of alcohol, of wine.

“I’m not interested,” Gwyn said, determined. She wouldn’t let herself be afraid of this… wasted dude.

The man launched forward again, grabbing her waist. Gwyn’s back collided with someone who was dancing, completely unaware of her situation.

“Let me go,” she said, doubting he could even hear her because of the music.

His other hand grabbed her waist too and they both went lower, and lower down her back, until…

Another, bigger hand grabbed the man by the shoulder. A dark bundle of shadows descended down the man’s body and wrapped around his throat, his torso, making him widen his eyes in horror.

“She said,” Azriel whispered into the man’s ears, “let her go.”

“Sorry, dude,” the man put his hands up in the air, in surrender, as he realised who he was talking to. “I didn’t know she was with you.”

Azriel’s eyes were unreadable. His jaw clenched. “Go.”

And just like that, the man disappeared.

Gwyn hadn’t realised she was trembling until Azriel took one of her hands in his own, and brought it to his lips. He kissed her there softly, slowly, and everything stopped around them.

No music, no people, no nothing. It was just them in that place, and his lips on her hand.

“I’m sorry. I got here later than I had planned,” he said. “You look breathtaking, Gwyneth.”

She scanned him then. He was wearing a black shirt, unbuttoned on the collar, and plain black jeans. But there was something about him, something about seeing him in those clothes… and his smell…

“You smell amazing,” Gwyn said absentmindedly, to which Azriel reacted with a genuine laugh.

“I’m glad to hear that,” his eyes softened on hers. “I owe you a dance, if I remember correctly.”

Gwyn smiled and pressed her body against his once more, melting into his hug. She needed this. She needed him .

Azriel gently placed his hands on her waist and started swaying side to side, completely ignoring the beat of the song that was playing. Gwyn chuckled and looked up at him, only to see the exact same expression on his face. His shadows wrapped around them, shielding them from everyone else.

“I thought we’d at least follow the rhythm,” she teased.

“And this is why you shouldn’t have such high expectations, Berdara.”

She laughed again, and followed his footsteps. Although there wasn’t much dancing, only swaying. She was happy with it, her head pressed against his chest, listening to his rapid heartbeat. Breathing in his scent, so manly, so familiar to her now.

Gwyn didn’t feel like a small child anymore. Not when she had an Illyrian warrior completely wrapped around her finger. And he seemed to be aware of that last fact, too.

“There’s something I want to show you,” Azriel whispered into her ear, making her spine curve. “But it’s out in Velaris.”

Gwyn swallowed, her heart beating so fast she thought it might explode. But it wasn’t panic that she felt.

To hell with fear. She wasn’t going to miss out on any more opportunities. She was safe with Azriel. And more importantly, she wanted to see whatever it was that he wished to show her.

Her voice was determined when she said, “Let’s go.”

Chapter 4 Chapter Text

Gwyn held Azriel’s hand tightly as they left Rita’s and into the unknown secrets of the Velaris night.

A few of her friends shot them curious glances as they walked by, and smiled when they saw their intertwined hands and Azriel’s shadows wrapped around both of them.

The night sky was clear and bright with a million stars, and Gwyn couldn’t stop looking up to admire the enchanted beauty above her head.

“It’s so beautiful,” she whispered to herself, admiring the bustling city that now surrounded them.

You are beautiful .

Gwyn’s heart jumped, but shook her head in amusement once she realised that it was the shadows talking to her again.

“What’s so funny?”, Azriel raised a playful eyebrow.

“Your shadows just called me beautiful,” the priestess smirked.

“Well, they’re not wrong.”

Gwyn blushed, and squeezed his hand, so big against her smaller fingers. They kept walking for a bit longer by the sidewalk of the riverbank until they got to a hidden staircase that went down to…

“We are going to the Sidra?”, she asked, wide-eyed.

Azriel shrugged, a happy grin on his face, “I guessed you wanted to see the River up close,” his eyes never left hers, even if her teal orbs were fully focused on the flowing water below. She was breathtaking, “Don’t think I’ve never caught you staring at it from the training ring, Berdara.”

Gwyn blushed, but stayed focused on the water, “So you do stare at me when I’m not looking, Shadowsinger.”

Azriel didn’t hold back, “How could I not?”

Without giving her any time to answer, the Shadowsinger squeezed her hand once more before going down the stairs, Gwyn following close behind. When they got too narrow near the bottom, Azriel wrapped an arm around her waist to steady her. She drew in a breath as he helped her take the last few steps.

The warmth of his body and the comfort of his touch were enough to make her head spin. She had never had a problem with Azriel being touchy with her. In fact, the moment they started holding hands, she realised she might be the needy one after all. She was starving for contact every time he was around. And now, with his arm around her, she let herself sigh contently.

Finally they reached the bottom of the stairs. Gwyn found herself standing on a patch of grass, barely a few feet away from the edge of the water. She almost gasped.

“Can I touch it?”, she asked, gesturing to the Sidra.

“Go ahead.”

And so she did. The priestess walked slowly towards the river bed, then kneeled down in front of the water. Even under the moonlight, it looked crystal clear. It flowed downstream with ease, and she could see the reflections of the city lights. Of her own face.

She smiled, and brought the tip of her fingers towards the water. When they came in contact with the freezing surface of the river, she squealed.

“It’s really cold,” she laughed, a few shadows dancing around her as she explored this new, fascinating discovery.

Azriel stood behind her, hands in his pockets, as he watched the young priestess in awe. He knew seeing the river, touching the water, would make her happy — but he had no clue it would make her this happy.

And then it hit him that Gwyn had been under that library for years now, and he didn’t know what her life on Sangravah had been like.

He could only imagine what that night had taken away from her. Thankfully, her joy was intact. And he intended to keep it that way. All he ever wanted was to see that beautiful smile every day, those big, mesmerising eyes sparkling as she discovered the new world that awaited her outside the House of Wind.

His heart swooned at the sight of her big smile as she held up her soaked hand to show him what she had done.

“It’s freezing,” Gwyn’s face was as bright as the stars above. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long, Az. It might seem like a dumb thing to wish for, but…”

“It’s not dumb at all, Gwyn,” he reassured her. “We can come here as many times as you want. In the mornings, too, when the water is warmed up.”

Gwyn’s heart skipped a beat, “Would you come with me?”

The Shadowsinger nodded, his features softening. “Of course.”

She didn’t think twice before launching herself into Azriel’s arms, and hugging him tightly. The man rested his chin on top of her head and wrapped his arms around her small form, torn between kissing the top of her head and staying still.

Kiss her .

Azriel swallowed. And, for once, he listened to his shadows.

Gwyn froze the second she felt Azriel’s lips against her hair, but immediately relaxed when his thumb started tracing a calming pattern along her back. Her heart was thumping inside her chest.

She had never been more confused. She had trusted Azriel soon after first meeting him, and that trust had only deepened through the following months. Now she was more than happy to call him a friend, one of her best friends even, but…

There was something more. She could feel it.

But she knew herself, knew her limitations, knew what Azriel deserved and… it wasn’t her.

He was the best man she’d ever met, had the kindest soul, the kindest heart. And she knew he also had other types of desires that she felt too insecure to fulfill. She was broken, probably beyond repair, and Azriel didn’t deserve another burden in his life.

She felt another kiss on top of her head, his hands bringing her even closer, but… she couldn’t.

“Let’s go back to the party,” she smiled softly at him, hoping the pain in her eyes wasn’t too obvious.

Azriel scanned her face carefully, as if reading her expression and understanding what was going on inside her head. But if he really noticed, he didn’t say anything, “Are you sure?”

The priestess nodded, “It’s my first party. I wanna know what the fuss is all about.”

He chuckled lightly, “Alright. Let’s go then.”

Mor’s birthday party went on until three in the morning.

Gwyn had never stayed up so late outside her bedroom, and weirdly enough, she was feeling excited about it. No fear, no insecurities, only fun.

She danced the night away with her sisters, with Mor and Feyre too. Even Cassian, who was drunk out of his mind, gave her a bone-crushing bear hug while dragging her to the dance floor under Azriel’s warning yet amused gaze.

She had never felt so damn loved in a long time.

Or safe while in a crowd, for that matter. Perhaps she should’ve felt more on edge. After all, she was at a party full of drunk people she didn’t know. But the steady presence of her friends around her, as well as a few of Azriel’s shadows, was enough to let her know that it was okay to keep her guard down.

So she danced, and sang along to a few songs she recognised, and laughed at her friends’ jokes, and let the Shadowsinger put an arm around her shoulders when the crowd tightened around them.

At the end of the night, Rhys had to winnow a very drunk Cassian and a sleepy Nesta to the House of Wind, then came back for Azriel and Gwyn. As the High Lord chatted away with his brother on the balcony, a bold thought crossed Gwyn’s mind.

No, that’s a terrible idea .

But, was it? Rhysand, despite his smug and confident facade, had been through a lot. He was probably the brother she could relate to the most, the person who would better understand the horrors she had gone through. However…

She shook her head and played with the hem of her dress as she walked back to her bedroom, alone in the dark. No shadows followed her.

It was a bad idea. Rhysand had better things to do. And even if he didn’t, she was pretty sure he wouldn’t appreciate reliving those moments, that pain. And neither would she.

Once in her room, Gwyn found herself in front of the mirror once again.

She looked at her dress, at the modest amount of cleavage it showed, and shivered. She hadn’t felt disgusted while she was with Az, while he held her close. But now, all alone in her bedroom… She ignored the sharp pain in her chest.

It was so stupid of her to think Azriel would ever see her in that light. He probably felt pity for her, at most.

No, he doesn’t.

Yes, he does .

“Shut up,” she closed her eyes as she breathed in and out. She needed to calm her nerves, to come back down to reality. Quiet her mind down.

When she opened her eyes again, she didn’t give herself enough time to react as she stripped down her clothes until her completely exposed body stood before her in the mirror.

And she looked at the marks on her breasts, between her legs. She looked at her sex, her flat stomach. She looked at her clavicles, too thin for her liking.

And Gwyn didn’t cry.

Rhysand appeared in the House of Wind the following morning, bright and early, to drop Emerie off to their daily training sessions.

As soon as he entered the ring, the young priestess walked towards him with determination in her steps. She could do this. She could do this.

“Hey, Gwyn,” the High Lord greeted her with a warm smile as he shoved his hands in his pockets. “Everything okay?”

She had her mental shields up, she was aware of that. She didn’t want any thoughts to slip, not when it came to this.

“I… I wanted to talk to you about something,” she said as confidently as she could. When Rhys gestured for her to start speaking, she shook her head. “Not here. After the training. Please.”

The High Lord didn’t even frown or look confused at her mildly desperate request, “Alright,” he said. “I’ll winnow you down to the River House with me later.”

Gwyn nodded, “Thank you.” And, before she turned around and went back to the ring, “It’s probably not a conversation you’ll be too eager to have, though.”

Rhysand smiled softly, “Is it a conversation you need to have?”, Gwyn nodded in response. “Then we’ll have it.”

A sudden feeling of warmth and belonging filled up her chest. She almost wanted to cry at his kindness, and couldn’t help but feel bad about what was going to happen later.

“Thank you,” she said again, voice low.

Rhysand nodded, “I’ll pick you up later,” he winked, and pointed to his brothers with a subtle gesture. “Don’t let those two get away with their usual dumb shit.”

Gwyn smirked, “They wish.”

And with another smile, the man vanished. When the priestess turned around, Azriel’s eyes were on her, his shadows lurking behind his unfolded wings.

Rhysand came back to the ring a few minutes early to winnow Emerie back home. Gwyn waved their sisters goodbye as the High Lord came back once more to take her with him. She hadn’t told them why she was leaving with Rhys, and they didn’t ask.

“Wanna fly?”, he asked her.

Gwyn considered it, but ultimately decided that she wasn’t ready to experience the heights just yet. So she shook her head, “Not yet.”

Rhysand took her hand then and winnowed them straight to his office. The priestess looked around. No sounds could be heard from outside, not Feyre, not Nyx, not anyone else.

The man leaned against his desk, hands in his pockets, and said, “I put a shield around the office,” he gave her a small smile. “This is a safe space. You can tell me anything you want and no one outside of these walls will hear.”

Her heart fluttered at the gesture, “Thank you.”

Then Rhys made two glasses of water and an array of homemade pastries appear on the small table nearest to the priestess, “Help yourself.”

Gwyn took a sip of the cold water, preparing her throat for the difficult conversation ahead, and braced herself for what was about to happen. She could only hope their growing relationship wouldn’t be completely ruined after this.

Rhysand didn’t push her to talk. He was waiting for her to be ready. So Gwyn breathed in and out, and braced herself one last time.

“How did you move on?”

The High Lord held his breath.

“How did you move on from what she did to you?”

She didn’t need any more words. Rhysand understood exactly what she meant.

And, without even thinking about what he wanted to say, he let the words flow.

“I forced myself to move on because I was free,” his eyes were locked on hers, and Gwyn could sense the cold in his voice, the pain. She could feel the sorrow upon him. “I owed it to myself, to my family, to Feyre, to heal. I was free.”

A pause to hold himself back together. Then, “I was free after fifty years, and I was going to make the most of it. For myself and for the people I love. I wanted to fight for the future I now have.”

Gwyn held back the tears as his words settled in.

Her High Lord was far stronger than she had ever known. He gave the priestesses a safe home at the library for a chance to heal and live in peace, when he needed to heal and live in peace too. He understood their sorrow better than anyone ever could, and he had acted on that feeling. His heart was kind, full, and she wanted nothing more than to give him a bone-crushing hug to tell him all that her words couldn’t.

Rhysand took a sip of water too. Even if he tried to play it cool, the heaviness in his heart wasn’t invisible. When he looked at the priestess, his eyes were dark.

“Are you okay, Gwyn?”

The priestess couldn’t answer, but her silence spoke loud enough for her. She couldn’t answer without choking on her own words, on her own memories.

And then, the unexpected happened. Rhys opened his arms in a silent request. A heartbeat passed before Gwyn couldn’t take it anymore.

She launched herself into his arms, wrapping her own around his torso, and cried against his chest. She cried and sobbed as he held her softly, rocking her side to side like she’d seen him do so many times with Nyx.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered against his chest, muffling her cries.

“Don’t apologise,” Rhys reassured her, but kept rocking her in his embrace. “Whenever you’re ready.”

“I just…,” she peeled herself from his arms carefully, and dried her tears with the back of her hand. “I can’t… I can’t move on, Rhysand.”

His glassy eyes never left hers, “Moving on takes time, Gwyn,” he spoke softly. “And look at you. You’re out of the library. You went to Mor’s party despite the crowd. You’re a Valkyrie . You won the Blood Rite.”

She shivered at the memory.

Rhys continued, “You’re a survivor. And so am I,” he swallowed. “I understand what you’re going through. I understand your pain. I share your pain, Gwyn. And I’m also proud of you for trying everyday. We all are.”

Her hands started shaking, but she didn’t hide it. She didn’t hide any emotions, not in the safe of his office. Not in front of someone who had gone through a much brutal experience — so similar to hers, yet so different. Her suffering had lasted a few seconds, while his had lasted for half a century.

“We are proud of you too, Rhys,” she looked at him through glassy eyes, then smiled.

The High Lord mirrored her expression, “Gwyn,” his tone was soft, just like when he spoke to his son. “I know there’s something else. Please, tell me what’s wrong.”

The priestess swallowed, but didn’t say anything.

“There’s something bothering you,” Rhysand observed. “You can… you can show me, if you don’t want to say it out loud.”

Gwyn knew what he meant. But she couldn’t show him the full extent of it without showing him the most vulnerable parts of her.

Plus, there was something beyond the disgust she felt when she looked at her reflection in the mirror, something that had been bothering her since the day it snapped. Since the day everything she knew came crashing down like a tidal wave.

And she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know how she was going to face this, when she was incapable of moving on from her past.

But even if she was scared to death to say this out loud, she took a deep breath, and said the words that had been lingering in her heart for too long now.

“I think Azriel is my mate.”

Rhysand froze into place. The only sound she could hear was that of her own heartbeat. And then,

“I think he is, too.”

She held her breath, “Do you think he… knows?”

His brother seemed to be holding his own breath, too, “I think he’s too worried about not hurting you to notice.”

Gwyn chewed on the inside of her mouth. Her next words were barely a whisper, “It doesn’t matter. He deserves a better mate, anyway.”

Rhysand’s eyes widened in horror at what he’d just heard, and his voice went down a notch, “Don’t say that,” his words were not those of a friend now, but a command. “Don’t say that ever again, Gwyn.”

“It’s true,” she couldn’t hold his hard stare, so she looked down at her training boots. “He’s been waiting so long for a mate. He doesn’t deserve someone so... broken. Someone who can’t take care of him like that. Someone who can’t move on no matter how hard she tries.”

Rhysand’s powers lifted up her chin and made her look up at him, “I’ve known Azriel for five hundred years,” his voice echoed through the room, “and I’ve never, ever, seen my brother look at anyone the way he looks at you.”

He continued, “Everyone is broken, Gwyn. Even Az, more than he lets on. But…,” the High Lord swallowed, “His shadows have never danced and sung around anyone. They have never whispered to anyone other than to him. He’s never joked like that with anyone beside us, not even with some of us. I’ve never seen him so happy in five hundred years.”

The weight of his words dawned on her.

“Trust me,” Rhysand’s shoulders relaxed, “He’s more worried about saying or doing the wrong thing than whether the mating bond has snapped between you two. And that’s saying something.”

Gwyn pondered what he had just confessed. Could it be true? Had Azriel been holding himself back… for her? She shivered.

“I should probably tell him,” she dried the last couple of tears with her sleeve. “Although I don’t know how he’ll react.”

Rhysand smiled softly, “Don’t worry too much about it. And there’s no rush, either. Tell him whenever you’re ready.”

Gwyn nodded, then hesitated.

“Can I give you another hug?”

The High Lord opened his arms again, and held her close until she calmed down completely.

“I had a sister too, you know?,” Gwyn murmured against his chest, then squeezed his torso tightly, “I’m here to talk about it. If you ever want to.”

Rhysand let out a deep sigh, barely audible, “I know. Thank you, Gwyn. I appreciate it.”

And she squeezed him again, a silent way of saying everything her words couldn’t. And then Rhysand spoke again, and it broke her into a million pieces.

“You’re part of our family, too,” he whispered. “And we love you.”

Gwyn left Rhysand’s office once her tears had dried completely, no visible sign of her breakdown, and after having eaten a couple of pastries.

“Give me a minute to check on Feyre and Nyx and I’ll winnow you back to the House,” he had told her before disappearing upstairs.

The priestess looked around the main hall of the family home. Bright, clean, spacious, beautiful. And what she felt right now had nothing to do with what she had experienced the first time she came to their house.

Now, she felt hopeful. Hopeful for a future she could have, if she fought for herself. Just like Rhysand had done. Their talk together had inspired her to be braver, to venture deeper into this healing path.

She would tell Azriel that the mating bond had snapped for her, some day. Maybe soon.

She would keep trying to move on. For her sisters, for her friends, for him. For herself.

She walked around the hall, looking through the windows and into the nature beyond them. She felt stronger to explore the world now. And she knew Azriel would guide her through it, if she asked him to.

Gwyn turned her head to the opposite side of the room, suddenly pulled by the sound of muffled voices coming from the garden.

And when her eyes adjusted to the bright light outside, she saw Azriel and Elain holding each other, hugging.

Her whole world stopped.

Chapter 5 Chapter Text

Azriel didn’t know what he was doing at the River House, exactly. Perhaps because he didn’t really stop to think things through before winnowing himself down to the Estate after seeing Rhys leaving with Gwyn.

The bastard had put up a shield around them in the ring, so he hadn’t heard what they were talking about. And it worried him sick.

What could possibly happen to Gwyn that she had to speak to Rhysand? That she couldn’t tell him?

He calmed himself down before his syphons flared with inexplicable rage and brought undesired attention to himself. He could only guess they had gone to his brother’s house, so that’s where he went too.

And, indeed, that’s where he found another shield around Rhysand’s office.

So, she was definitely there. Fine, he could wait for her. He knew his brother wouldn’t tell him a thing, but perhaps Gwyn…

“Azriel,” his heart skipped a beat when he recognised the sweet voice calling his name.

He turned around to see a smiling Elain before him, wearing a flowy mint dress and a lilac apron around her waist. She was standing on the other side of the garden door.

His shadows vanished.

“Are you looking for Rhys?”, she asked in a small voice.

The Shadowsinger moved a couple of steps closer, and cleared his throat, “I think he’s busy right now.”

Elain gave him a look he couldn’t decipher, “You can wait for him in the garden with me,” she smiled. “If you want to.”

Azriel hesitated, but eventually walked the distance between them and stepped out into the sunlight. Just like he had imagined, Elain had been working on some rose bushes next to the fountain. She offered him some freshly made lemonade, but he politely declined.

Silence washed over them as the girl arranged some unknown seeds on the table before her. Azriel stood by the door, leaning over the frame with his arms crossed. And as he observed her carefully, he felt ashamed.

He had wanted her not too long ago, was determined to risk a damn alliance with the Autumn Court for her, because he felt like he deserved to be with Elain. Because he felt like the Cauldron had made a terrible mistake by mating his brothers with an Archeron sister except for himself. And now…

Now he looked at Elain, so delicate yet fierce, so reserved yet incredibly sharp, and noticed that his heart sang a different song now. It wasn’t a song of lust, of desire, but a song of love.

He loved Elain like he loved her sisters, like he had learned to love Mor, even stubborn Amren. Like he loved his brothers. His heart understood now that pursuing her would’ve been his downfall, hers too.

The Cauldron had made no mistake. He knew that now.

These past few weeks, he had seen Elain and Lucien together a couple of times. And although he still wasn’t sure about the male, he had seen the mating bond wrapped around them with his very eyes, almost like shadows in their own nature. He had seen the unbreakability of it.

And yet he had felt… nothing. No rage, no desire to rip any heads off. Something had shifted inside him, but he didn’t know what exactly.

“Elain,” he found himself standing straight, and looking into the woman’s bright eyes with his heart on his sleeve. “I wanted to apologise.”

She shook her head, “No need, Azriel.”

The man swallowed, “I wanted to,” he admitted, “because I wasn’t fair to you. Or Lucien. I… I stepped over the line, and I’m sorry for it.”

Elain’s eyes softened at his words, “I stepped over the line as well,” his stomach twisted. “You’re a good man, Azriel. And you’re an even better friend. You don’t need to apologise to me because I’m not angry with you.”

Her smile was genuine, the sun kissing her skin in all the right spots. She was beautiful, there was no doubt about that, but she wasn’t for him. Not in that way. She had never been.

And as the sun shone above their heads, he saw it more clearly than ever before.

“I’m here for you,” Elain continued.

“I’m here for you, too,” Azriel nodded. “You’re my family.”

Her eyes softened, “You’re my family, too,” Elain opened up her arms towards him, and smirked, “Hug?”

Azriel smirked, and wrapped his big arms around the woman. Elain rested her head against his chest, and breathed him in, “Thank you for being here for me.”

The Shadowsinger squeezed her tightly, “Always, Elain.”

A cold breeze made the flowers and the grass dance around them, and time seemed to stop. Azriel felt his heart healing until an old wound closed completely. He felt fuller, happier, his mind was clearer than it had been in a really long time.

And he knew exactly what he wanted now.

His shadows warned him about his brother’s presence before Rhysand appeared at the garden door, scowling.

“What’s wrong?”, Azriel asked him as he pulled away from Elain.

Rhysand looked around the garden, “Where’s Gwyn?”

Azriel’s breathing stopped, “She isn’t with you?”

His brother’s dark eyes collapsed with his own, “She left my office a couple of minutes ago.”

Elain stepped in, “Maybe she’s in the kitchen. I’ll go check for you.”

But there was no use. Because the second Elain disappeared inside the house, Azriel’s shadows went absolutely batshit around him, engulfing Rhysand as well.

She saw you hugging Elain.

She’s upset.

She left.

“Shit,” the Shadowsinger mumbled as he walked indoors and past his brother, “She left, Rhysand. She’s alone in Velaris.”

“Az.”

His syphons flared, turning the walls of the house bright blue. She was alone in the city, not knowing where to go, all because…

“ Azriel.”

He turned around at the feeling of Rhysand’s strong hand on his shoulder. The light on his syphons went out.

“She’s fine,” his brother said. “Calm down, and go look for her. She can’t be too far away.”

Azriel swallowed. Rhysand was right. It was broad daylight outside, and the House wasn’t near any dangerous areas. She was probably fine, even if a little lost. He’d go find her, and explain to her that what she had seen was nothing. Even if his heart was aching at the possibility of having hurt her like that.

When he looked back at his brother, he lowered his mental shield. He couldn’t say it out loud.

I made her feel upset.

Rhysand’s cold stare revealed nothing.

She won’t stay mad at you.

How do you know?

His brother put his shield back up abruptly, and simply said, “Go.”

She felt like a stupid child. She couldn’t believe she had run away just like that.

It was just a hug. They were just hugging, just like she had hugged Rhys barely a few moments beforehand. It didn’t have to mean anything.

Only that Gwyn knew of Azriel’s feelings for Elain.

Nesta had told her once how he felt about her, and the mating bond that hadn’t snapped between them, how he thought the Cauldron had made a mistake.

And she was the mistake.

If the mating bond had really snapped between her and Azriel, if she really hadn’t imagined it, then…

She sat on the cold grass in front of the rushing waters of the Sidra, and stared at the current while trying to sort out her feelings. She shouldn’t have stormed off like that, especially because… well, she didn’t know where the hell she was. She could always go back to Rhysand and Feyre’s house, but…

A sudden wave of sadness hit her when she remembered once again what she had seen in that garden.

Maybe mating bonds meant absolutely nothing. Maybe they could be broken. And if Elain loved Azriel, she wouldn’t hesitate to break her bond with Lucien to be with him.

And Azriel wouldn’t hesitate to reject their bond to be with Elain.

Anxiety clinged to her chest, and she hated herself for this. She hated that she was naive enough to believe someone like Azriel could even like her like that. An Illyrian warrior, a Spymaster, for crying out loud. Of course he wasn’t going to be interested in a broken priestess now turned broken Valkyrie.

She should’ve seen this coming.

She should’ve guessed that there was nothing but sorrow waiting for her outside that library.

She shouldn’t have left the safety of her underground home, not for this.

She should’ve been content enough with training with her sisters, but no, she had to fall…

“Gwyn.”

She snapped her head around to find Azriel standing right behind her, his wings opened all the way, a couple of his blue syphons flickering. His shadows lurked at his back, but they didn’t come to greet her.

“You’re okay,” he said, more to himself than to her. She nodded, but didn’t move any closer.

Azriel did. He walked towards her slowly, giving her enough time to send him away. But Gwyn wasn’t even looking back at him. He kneeled down next to her, his eyes searching hers. He needed to see those beautiful teal orbs now more than ever.

We want to go with her, his shadows whispered to him.

Not yet.

“What are you doing here?”, he murmured loud enough for her to hear above the rushing sounds of the river.

Gwyn’s fingers were tangled between a few strands of grass, “I wanted to get out of the house.”

She saw you hugging Elain and it upset her.

“Liar,” Azriel nudged her playfully, hoping to lift up her spirits. “Did Rhysand say anything to upset you?”

He knew he hadn’t, but he wasn’t going to give away that he knew the truth. Gwyn shook her head no, and stayed quiet.

Azriel sat down on the grass next to her in silence, too. He was a patient man. He would wait for her.

But it turned out that waiting for her was more difficult than it seemed. She was sulking next to him, the sadness consuming her. He wanted nothing more than to explain that hugging Elain meant nothing to him… not like that. Not anymore.

But, why was it making her so upset in the first place?

Could it be…

His shadows got tired of waiting for the green light, so they left the back of his wings to wrap around Gwyn, giving her the tight hug she so badly needed. And as the darkness embraced her, caressed her cheek softly, she broke down.

“Hey, hey,” Azriel immediately threw his arms around her, and she rested her head on his shoulder as she let the tears roll down.

The Shadowsinger lifted her chin up with a careful finger, making their eyes collide. And he saw the pain, the embarrassment, the confusion. And it fucking destroyed him.

“Why are you here?”, she asked with such a defeated voice one of his syphons flickered.

“Because you left the house,” he swallowed, not breaking eye contact. “And I’d never forgive myself if anything happened to you.”

Her eyes shifted to his lips, and she immediately looked away again. This was pathetic. She was pathetic. She couldn’t possibly think he cared about her like that when she had just seen him hug Elain. The one he truly wanted.

But before she could dwell on her sorrow any longer, she felt Azriel’s lips right under her eyes, kissing her tears away. His touch was gentle, faint, delicate, as if he were afraid to break her. She didn’t move, frozen into place, as he kissed away every single tear on her face.

Except the one that had fallen on her lower lip.

Azriel was aware he had missed one, but he couldn’t. He had gone too far already. He wrapped his wings around them, shielding her from the hot sun, from the breeze, until she calmed down.

Gwyn’s teal orbs were sealed on him. He could almost see the silent question in her eyes, the silent request.

Kiss her.

“Az…”

The look in her eyes shattered him completely. He would’ve killed anyone who had made her look this sorrowful and yet he was the only responsible for this.

“Why… Why aren’t you with Elain?”

Her question took him by surprise. The look on her face hadn’t changed a bit. Sad, confused.

“I’m not sure what you mean, Gwyn,” he replied softly.

“You… like her, don’t you?”, she swallowed hard. “So, why aren’t you with her then?”

Why are you here with me instead?

“Gwyn, I…,” he started, “I don’t like Elain like that.”

His words felt like a bucket of ice cold water on her.

“What?”

Azriel almost chuckled, “I mean,” he smiled warmly at her confused stare. “I guess I kind of liked her a while back. I was confused. But now I know what I want and… And it’s not her.”

She noticed his shadows twirling around her hair, her heart beating faster than ever before. Her knees were weak, and she thanked the Mother that she was sitting down. Azriel’s wings cocooned them entirely, and somehow, despite being in the open air of the Sidra, no moment had ever felt so intimate.

Gwyn remembered her chat with Rhysand, his words striking a chord as she looked at the man in front of her.

‘I wanted to fight for the future I now have.’

He hadn’t been afraid to go after what he wanted, to go after his mate.

And she was going to do the same. No matter how badly her heart burned, how many insecurities threatened to fill her soul, she wanted…

“You missed one tear.”

Azriel’s eyes widened ever so slightly at her words, and hesitated. But when he saw the faint smirk in her lips, the sudden spark in her eyes…

Mother, save me from myself.

His lips were soft and gentle, just like she had expected them to be. Undemanding yet firm. His fingers absentmindedly went to the side of her face, cupping her cheek with a kind of care she hadn’t known before.

He was kissing her. Azriel was kissing her.

And then she heard it —his shadows started singing around them, an ancient song she hadn’t heard in years. It echoed inside his wings, inside her head, her heart.

Gwyn let out a content sigh against his lips, and Azriel’s heart swooned. He held her closer, his other hand pressed carefully against her back. She wrapped an arm around his neck to hold herself steady. And then she parted his lips with her tongue, so subtly he thought he had imagined it, before he let her in without hesitation.

Something exploded inside his chest. Lighting and thunder and the power of a thousand syphons shattered inside him to let the light in, her light.

A small whimper made him pull away suddenly, afraid he’d done something to upset her. Gwyn’s eyes were wide, her lips puffy from the kiss, her cheeks rosy. She had never looked so fucking breathtaking.

“I…,” she started, but soon enough it was obvious that she couldn’t find the words. She leaned her head into the hand that cupped her cheek, and closed her eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Azriel’s heart jumped, “Why would you even apologise for this, Gwyn?”

She shook her head, “Because I can’t…,” when she opened her eyes again, they were glassy. “I can’t give you what you want, not right now. Not more than this, and I…”

He pressed his lips against hers once more, swallowing her words. He didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want her to even think she wasn’t enough, because…

Fuck.

When he pulled away a few seconds later, the hand that held her cheek was trembling, “Gwyn” his voice was low, full of an emotion he didn’t yet understand. “I don’t care how long it takes. I don’t care if we never…”, he shook his head, and looked right into her eyes. “You’re all I want. Just you. You’re enough, you’ll always be.”

Gwyn bit down on her lip, still tingling from the kiss. Now that she knew what Azriel tasted like, felt like against her mouth, she knew she’d never get enough. And it felt scary.

“Thank you,” she whispered, and when a small ray of sunshine shone on her face, she smiled. “You’re all I want, too, Shadowsinger.”

Azriel’s heart skipped a beat at the nickname, and a tiny shadow bopped Gwyn’s nose, making her laugh.

You’re beautiful, the shadow whispered into her head.

She smirked, “Your shadows are telling me all your secrets again.”

Azriel raised a playful eyebrow, “Are they?”

He likes you a lot.

Gwyn laughed, “Yeah.”

“I’ll make sure to send them to bed hungry tonight.”

The priestess chuckled once more, “Don’t be a bad father, Az,” she teased him.

Something inside his chest tingled, “I’ll try.”

“Speaking of trying,” Gwyn smirked, then reached a hand to touch his wings. Thankfully, her fingers stopped right before they came in contact with the extremely sensitive membrane. “Can I fly with you?”

Az’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, “You sure?”

The priestess nodded eagerly, and tightened her grip around his neck as if to prove a point.

“Alright then.”

Both of his arms wrapped around her back, securing her there. He stood up slowly, bringing her up with him, and extended his wings. Gwyn swallowed, remembering what her sisters had told her about Illyrians and their wingspans.

“Ready?”, Gwyn nodded again.

And so Azriel planted a quick kiss on her forehead before he shot up to the blue sky with a squealing girl glued to his chest.

Nesta knew something was up.

She knew it the second her friend walked up to her that afternoon in one of the private libraries, and asked her for a new book recommendation.

“I was looking for something more… tender,” Gwyn said as she scanned the shelves besides the velvet chair Nesta was sitting on, “Romantic, maybe. Have you read anything good of the sort lately?”

The woman arched a questioning eyebrow, but the priestess had her eyes glued to the books in front of her, “Why the sudden change?”

They had been reading intense smut, very dirty and explicit smut for the past few days, and Gwyn seemed to be enjoying it the most. Something must have happened. She sensed it, somehow. She swore she could almost smell it in her.

Her sister shrugged as she picked up a pink book from one of the upper shelves and scanned a few pages, “I’m in the mood for it today,” she took a quick look at the cover, then showed it to Nesta, “Is it worth it?”

Nesta didn’t even look at the book, “That one should do,” she said. “You should read Did something happen with Azriel next. It’s quite good.”

It took Gwyn a second to process her words and, by the time she did, Nesta was already dying of laughter in her seat.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” the woman laughed. “Your face is as red as your hair.”

“No, it isn’t,” she wished the ground would just swallow her whole.

Nesta laughed again, and extended her hand to the priestess. When she took it, she squeezed it tightly, “It’s alright if you don’t want to tell me yet,” she reassured her. “But just so you know, Emerie and I are here for you. Always. For any questions or… concerns you might have.”

“I know,” Gwyn said quickly, trying to forget about the wingspan thing again. “I’m not… I’m not ready to do anything like that yet.”

“And that’s alright,” she squeezed her hand again. “Azriel is a patient man.”

Gwyn knew that, but…

“What if I’ll never be ready to do it?”

Nesta looked at her sister carefully. The worry in her eyes was so evident it made her heart ache, “Gwyn,” she stood up until her arms were wrapped around her, “You will be. I have no doubts about that. And even if you’re right and you never are ready to go all the way, Azriel wouldn’t care. Believe me.”

She wanted to, she really wanted to. But her head was too loud, and her insecurities were pounding equally as loudly in her heart. She didn’t think she’d be able to face the mirror that night.

“You have to be patient with yourself,” Nesta tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. “Baby steps, okay?”

Gwyn nodded, “Okay.”

Nesta was kissing the top of her hair just as Cassian opened the door behind them, and stopped right on his tracks when he smelled the gloomy aura of the room. He shot Nesta a concerned look, and she shook her head, silently telling him that they’d talk later.

Cassian cleared his throat, “Sorry, ladies,” he gave Gwyn a big smile when she looked his way. “But Rhys needs us at Windhaven. All of us.”

Nesta let out a tired sigh, then squeezed her sister’s hand again, “Looks like we are paying Lord Devlon a little visit.”

Gwyn rolled her eyes, unamused at the thought of seeing the man, and followed her sister outside.

She left the private library with one of Cassian’s arms around her shoulders protectively, the other one around his mate and thought that, perhaps, she’d be alright in the end.

Chapter 6 Chapter Text

“You know the rules,” Lord Devlon gestured to Azriel and Cassian, eyebrows furrowed in annoyance. “No touching my weapons if those two are on their cycle.”

Gwyn couldn't contain the shock in her voice, “What?”

But Nesta wasn’t having it. Not again. She crossed her arms in front of her chest and barked at the Illyrian, “I’ll shut the fuck up if I were you, Devlon,” the priestess could swear the man flinched at her words. “Unless you wanna be the one bleeding, that is.”

The man’s eyes were firm on Nesta, but it was clear as day that he had no intentions to talk back. The witch , he usually called her. Gwyn knew he wouldn’t test his luck today. Not when, on top of everything, they both wore their Valkyrian leathers and Illyrian weapons on their backs and around their waists. He was stupid, but certainly not that much.

Lord Devlon turned to Cassian with a hard look on his face, ignoring Nesta, “The new cadets are over here.”

And without another word, which was probably for the best, the four of them followed him towards the other side of the war camp.

The sky above was covered in heavy clouds, and it wouldn’t be surprising if a storm broke out at any given moment. Nesta and Cassian walked together after Devlon, while Azriel and Gwyn stayed a couple of steps behind. Emerie was still working at the shop, as the mission wasn’t that urgent, and it didn’t require all their efforts.

Apparently, Devlon had a few issues with the new cadets. They were brutes, as he had described them himself, who wouldn’t listen to anyone but their hormone-crazed balls.

They engaged in tremendous physical fights all day, throwing punches and comparing wingspans and everything else an Illyrian warrior shouldn’t be focused on. So Rhysand had sent Cassian and Azriel to talk —or kick— some sense into them.

And he had insisted that Gwyn and Nesta went too, in case it got ugly.

The priestess tried to keep her focus on their surroundings as they walked towards the cadets, but it proved to be difficult. Azriel was walking besides her, not quite touching her, but closer than usual. His shadows weren’t around her, she noticed.

When they arrived at the House of Wind after their kiss by the Sidra, Gwyn had built up the courage to give him a quick peck on the lips before marching down to the library to work. And they hadn’t seen each other since.

She didn’t know where they stood now. They were still friends, of course, but… Friends didn’t kiss each other. Not like that. She had read enough romantic novels to know that much.

An intrusive thought burst into her mind as they got closer to the ring the cadets were training on.

What if he regrets the kiss?

What if he gets tired of waiting for you and decides that you’re not worth it?

She dried out the sweat of her palms on the leathers, and mentally shook her head. She had to focus now. She’d have enough time to dwell on all this later, in the darkness of her room, alone at night.

Devlon stopped by a training ring full of at least a dozen young warriors, covered in wounds and sweat. Most of them were shirtless despite the weather, quite obviously to show off their muscles, and the way they were fighting… even Gwyn, with her lack of experience, could tell they lacked technique. She could easily take them down one by one with little effort.

“Hey,” Cassian’s strong voice pulled her out of her thoughts. The Shadowsinger walked up to his brother just as his shadows appeared around his wings. Nesta and her stayed behind, “What the fuck are you all doing? This is not how true Illyrian warriors train.”

One of the cadets snapped his head towards Cassian, and spat blood on the ground at his feet before shouting, “And what the hell do you know about that, bastard?”

“He’s your General, you dumb fuck,” Nesta’s voice roared inside her ears. Gwyn widened her eyes at her sister, who hadn’t hesitated to defend her mate.

The cadet chuckled and gestured to her with his chin, “And you’re the General’s bitch, I suppose,” his bloody spit hit the ground beneath him again, then turned his attention to Gwyn. “What does that make you, doll? Do you let these two brutes pound you from be—”

Before he had enough time to finish, Azriel’s shadows tackled him to the ground and wrapped strongly around his neck. The cadet started kicking the air, gasping for oxygen, and the look on all his friends was that of pure panic. But none dared to go help him.

Azriel retrieved his shadows right before the cadet turned purple. When Gwyn looked at him, Azriel’s usual cold and unreadable expression hadn’t changed a bit.

“Now that your friend has kindly shown you how not to behave around here,” Cassian spoke to the cadets again. “And why it’s never a good idea to disrespect the Valkyries,” a few of them shot their heads towards Gwyn and Nesta, eyes wide open in shock, “Let’s go practice some real techniques. Enough bullshit.”

Gwyn and Nesta stayed behind while the two males stepped into the ring with the cadets. They had no interest in teaching a bunch of horny dudes how to fight like real warriors and, anyways, they had better things to do.

They spent the next hour visiting Emerie at her shop, where Gwyn finally decided to tell her sisters what had happened with Azriel that same morning.

“I mean,” the Illyrian started, a wicked grin on her face, “I can’t really say that I’m surprised. It was pretty obvious that you two had some… unresolved tension to deal with.”

Gwyn tried not to turn bright red, “It’s complicated.”

When her sister gave her a questioning look, Nesta stepped in, “She thinks Azriel won’t wait for her until she’s ready to go all the way,” she rolled her eyes, and so did Emerie. “ Azriel . Like, really? Are we talking about the same man?”

“He’s a Spymaster,” Emerie added. “His job literally consists of waiting in the shadows. And you think he won’t wait for you ?”

Gwyn’s palms started sweating again, “I just… I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to do it.”

“Don’t say that, Gwyn,” Nesta shook her head.

“Okay,” Emerie leaned in on the counter, attentive. “I know the uncertainty of it all scares you, and while I totally get it, there’s no use in dwelling on it. So, ask us anything you wanna know about sex. And I mean anything . Go.”

“We would never judge you, Gwyn,” Nesta reassured her with a calm voice. “We are here for you.”

“I know that,” Gwyn swallowed, and looked down at her feet. “It’s just a little bit embarrassing, that's it.”

“Nonsense,” Emerie waved a nonchalant hand in front of her. “We are sisters, remember? We only want the best for you, Gwyn. So, come on. Ask away. Anything that’s bothering you.”

Nesta nodded, “Besides, we’ve probably had those same concerns too in the past. Happens to all of us. No big deal.”

The young priestess considered it. She trusted her sisters, of course she did, but the mere thought of voicing her worries out loud scared her to death. It was embarrassing. She didn’t know if she was ready for such level of vulnerability, not when it came to her own sex life.

“Alright,” Nesta seemed to pick up on her worry. “You don’t have to ask us anything, we’ll just tell you,” Emerie nodded. Nesta took a deep breath, and then, “The first time will probably hurt. Just a bit though, then it gets a lot better.”

Gwyn’s eyes widened in horror, and she couldn’t help but think that it wouldn’t be her first time. Not really. That had also been taken away from her, that night in Sangravah.

Nesta continued, “And what we said about wingspans is no joke. Azriel has the biggest one, which means…”

“I know what that means,” Gwyn interrupted her quickly, the heat reaching her cheeks quickly.

“Alright,” Nesta said calmly. “But just so you know, sex isn’t the only way to go. You can pleasure yourselves doing other things, too.”

“I’ve read about them,” Gwyn said more confidently. She wasn’t completely naive—she knew a thing or two. “Oral sex, right?”

She didn’t think she was ready for that, either. The mere thought of seeing Azriel naked was tempting yet daunting. And to show him her exposed body…

“Yes, but there’s more stuff you can do,” Emerie added. “Fully clothed.”

That grabbed Gwyn’s attention. Emerie seemed to notice, and smiled softly at her sister, “It’s called dry humping,” she explained. “What you should do is you get on his lap and rub your core against his erection.”

Gwyn almost cringed. Talking about sex in novels was one thing, but discussing her own, nonexistent, sex life…

“It’ll bring pleasure to both of you,” Nesta assured her. “And you won’t have to get naked, which I know is what worries you.”

The priestess nodded, slowly, and looked at her friends. She knew they only wanted to help, but… this was all very new to her, extremely overwhelming, and she wanted to take it slow.

“Okay, I think that’s enough sex chat for today,” Nesta said, probably aware of her discomfort. “You’re gonna be fine, Gwyn. I promise.”

The priestess smiled softly at her sister, a silent way of thanking her.

“Just one more thing,” Emerie stepped in, but the look on her face wasn’t playful anymore. Her expression was completely sober, “When you do start having sex, you’ll need to drink contraceptive tea.”

Nesta agreed next to her, but Gwyn didn’t really remember what that was, “What’s that?”

“It’s a kind of tea that prevents you from… from getting pregnant,” she explained carefully. “Az will probably drink it too, but it’ll be safer if you do it as well.”

Gwyn’s heart started pounding against her chest with such force she feared it might explode. Pregnant . She had somehow forgotten that one of the consequences of sex was pregnancy.

Shit . If they weren’t careful enough and she somehow got pregnant… She started panicking again.

“Pregnancies are extremely rare,” Nesta added quickly when she saw the look on her face. “Don’t worry about it, please.”

Emerie nodded, “Sex can be a beautiful thing, Gwyn. Especially with the one you love.”

The one you love .

Her sister continued, her eyes and her voice ever so soft, “Don’t pressure yourself into it, but please don’t run away from it either if you really want it.”

Cassian and Azriel were done with the cadets soon after their talk was over.

Emerie’s shop got conveniently crowded after that, so they decided to go back to Velaris. It was quite late already, anyway, and Cassian’s stomach was already growling in hunger.

Gwyn held tight to Azriel’s neck as he flew them across the sky and into Velaris. His body was warm against her own, and his large hands on her back were making her head spin. She had only recently allowed herself to really look at them, at those long and wide fingers, and the mental picture that came next was too much to handle.

How would those fingers feel in other parts of her body?

A sudden wave of heat climbed up from her core, and she shifted in his arms. Azriel gave her a weird look, brief but she caught it, and she had to hide her face in his chest to prevent him from seeing how red it had turned.

She needed to get her shit together.

At least dinner at the House of Wind went fairly normal.

Nesta and her held most of the conversation while Azriel and Cassian devoured their food as if they hadn’t eaten in days. And when their plates were empty, they sat back on their chairs and enjoyed a casual chat over the dim candle lights.

“There’s gonna be a ball in a couple of days,” Cassian said after a while. He took a sip of his wine before continuing, “To honor our alliance with the Day Court or some shit.”

“Here?”, Nesta asked.

Her mate nodded, “Feyre and Rhys aren’t ready to leave the Night Court with Nyx just yet,” he explained. “Helion will arrive tomorrow, probably.”

“Sounds exciting,” Gwyn smiled as she lifted up her fingers from the wooden table to play with the shadows twisting around them.

“You can come as well,” Cassian offered with a grin. “The more the merrier, right?”

The priestess nodded, “I’ll think about it.”

“You’ll like Helion,” Nesta assured her with a knowing smirk. “He might be my favourite High Lord, actually. Besides Rhys, of course.”

Cassian lifted his eyebrows, “Is that right?”

Nesta’s scent completely shifted, “Yes, Cassian. That is right”, she teased. “And what about it?”

The General’s hand moved under the table and across her thigh. When he spoke, his voice was low and rough, “You don’t wanna know, Nes.”

“I think that’s our cue to leave,” Azriel said all of a sudden, as he shook his head in amusement. He turned to Gwyn, “Can I walk you to your bedroom?”

The priestess nodded, feeling somewhat relieved to leave the table and those two behind, and followed Azriel down the hall after saying goodbye to her friends.

Before they reached her bedroom, Gwyn found the courage to intertwine their fingers together. Az’s breath hitched, but he didn’t let it show as he squeezed her hand in reassurance.

His shadows danced around them as they got to the end of the hallway, to their goodbye point. Gwyn knew he wouldn’t ask to stay with her for the night. She wasn’t even sure if he wanted to stay in the first place. Maybe he had already regretted it all, thinking it had been a huge mistake to kiss her. To give her any hope.

Just because he didn’t like Elain like that, didn’t mean that he had any interest in her. Azriel probably had a lot of options to choose from anyway, a lot of stunning women who’d make him really happy.

She wasn’t worth it.

They stopped when they reached her door, unsure of what to do. Her teal orbs scanned his hazel eyes carefully, awaiting. His shadows had retreated.

Gwyn swallowed, “Thank you for walking with me,” then, a brief smirk, “I’m sure things got heated over in the dining room before we even got out of the door.”

Azriel chuckled at the truth in her words, but didn’t let go of her hand. A comfortable silence washed over them for a few seconds, during which Gwyn could only hear her own heartbeat.

“Do you mind…”, the Spymaster started, making her heart thump, “...if I read with you for a bit before bed?”

He could swear Gwyn’s eyes filled with light at his request. Her whole face relaxed, and her smile grew.

Breathtaking. She’s so fucking breathtaking.

“Yes!”, she beamed. “Yes. I’d love that, Az. Do you want to read in my room?”

He fought the urge to scratch the back of his neck nervously, “If you’re comfortable with it.”

The priestess squeezed his hand in reassurance, and opened the door. Her bedroom was tidy, and it smelled of books and lilacs. Azriel didn’t know what to do as Gwyn went up to one of her shelves to look for a novel.

“You can sit on the bed,” she told him then, as if she had read his mind.

Maybe it was the confidence in her voice that did it, but Azriel obeyed, and waited for her to plop down next to him with a suspicious book in her hands and a mischievous grin on her face.

“Are you sure you want to read with me, Shadowsinger?”, she raised a taunting eyebrow. “Because this is a smutty one. As you know we like them around here.”

Azriel’s smile mimicked her own, “I attempted to read the book you lent me last week,” he started. “I read one random line and closed it immediately.”

Gwyn chuckled, “I bet it wasn’t that bad.”

He gave her a pointed look, “He ate her out on top of a desk.”

Hearing those words coming from him made her stomach tingle in an unknown yet tempting way, but she ignored it.

“So? That’s your usual smutty plot line right there.”

“Oh, really? Let’s see what this one is all about, then”, Azriel took the new book from her hands and opened it at a random page. His smile grew as he read, “ The swollen tip of his cock hit the back of her tight throat, making her gag on... ”

“Okay, alright,” Gwyn snatched back the book from his grip, closing it immediately. Listening to Az speak like that, say all those dirty things, knowing he probably had done all those dirty things... Her head started spinning.

When his playful eyes looked at her, she chuckled to hide away her embarrassment. “Fine. So maybe smut is not your thing. What do you suggest we read, then?”

“Do you even have something else around here?”, he teased her.

Gwyn rolled her eyes, “We can ask the House for whichever book you’d like,” she told him. “She takes requests, you know? So, which one is it gonna be? Do your best, Shadowsinger.”

Azriel closed his eyes, as if he were talking to the House mind-to-mind, and soon enough a small book appeared between them. Gwyn raised an eyebrow as she read the title, and couldn’t help but smile.

“Illyrian tales for children?”, she asked, amused. “That’s the book you want to read.”

The Spymaster shrugged, “You’re not one to judge, Berdara.”

Gwyn chuckled, “Fair enough. But, why this one?”

Azriel picked up the book, which looked unrealistically small between his enormous hands, and his voice softened, “My brothers and I used to read it when we were younger,” he said. “Rhysand’s mother would sometimes read us a couple of stories before bed, too. I never had any nightmares those nights.”

Gwyn’s gaze softened as she snuggled closer to his side. Azriel leaned down into the bed, and tucked his wings comfortably around him before guiding Gwyn’s head to rest on his shoulder. She closed her eyes and breathed him in — he smelled of night breeze and cedarwood.

“Read it to me,” she whispered.

And so Azriel did.

His dark voice, so smooth and low, made her feel impossibly relaxed as he read the first short story, then moved to the second. She found the illustrations breathtaking, the Illyrian mythology fascinating. At some point, she wrapped arm around his torso, and he kissed the top of her head in response before continuing with the tales.

Between his body warmth, his soothing fingers tracing careful patterns on her arm and his relaxing voice reading to her, Gwyn’s eyes started to close slowly.

The last thing she heard before she drifted off to sleep was Azriel’s steady heartbeat.

She was woken up by something moving beneath her.

Someone , she realised, once her brain registered what had happened before she fell asleep.

A small whine escaped her lips as she wrapped her arm around Azriel more tightly, not wanting to let go. The man chuckled softly, “Go back to sleep, Gwyn.”

The priestess didn’t open her eyes, but kept on holding to the Shadowsinger, “Don’t go”, she mumbled into his chest.

Azriel stopped moving, but his heart was racing. He looked down at the girl between his arms. Her copper hair was all over his wing, her beautiful eyes closed, her lips full and slightly parted as she slept peacefully. The freckles on her nose, on her cheeks, looked like the constellations above.

Suddenly he felt a kind of warm, confusing rage he had never experienced before. Because if someone, anyone else, ever got to hold her like this, to know that her lips felt pressed against their own, got to hear the small whimpering sounds escaping the back of her throat when she deepened their kisses, saw how vulnerable she looked when she slept… he’d go batshit.

And if anyone ever dared to touch her in any way, he wasn’t sure he would be able to control himself.

Gwyn sighed contently in her sleep, and his heart fluttered. He pulled her a bit closer as he relaxed his shoulders, trying to convince himself that she was safe, that he could fall asleep now.

It wasn’t until his shadows wrapped around her sleeping form and stayed there that Azriel allowed himself to close his eyes. He knew they’d keep her safe while he rested, even if he already suspected he’d sleep with one eye open the entire night.

We’ll watch over her .

Azriel readjusted himself on the mattress until he was slightly closer to Gwyn, and slowly put his other arm around her, shielding her body with his own. Finally, he gave her one last forehead kiss before drifting off to a nightmare-less sleep.

Thank you .

Chapter 7 Chapter Text

Azriel wasn’t jealous. He wasn’t angry, either. Of course he wasn’t.

His hard stare, his shadows whispering around him, his knuckles turning white from clenching his fists. Those were mere coincidences. There was nothing to be jealous or angry about, anyway.

There was nothing, not a damn thing in this ball that made his blood boil with pure and raw anger. Not the fact that he had been forced by Rhysand to wear nice clothes instead of his usual Illyrian leathers because, “The Day Court are allies. If they see you in your Illyrian clothes, they’ll think we don’t trust them enough to keep our intelligence at bay for the night.”

Fair enough. He wasn’t too mad about that.

Also, he wasn’t angry about Cassian spilling some wine on his shirt earlier. It was black anyway, so a little stain wasn’t even going to show. And everyone was already too drunk to notice, so. Again, he wasn’t angry.

But above all, he wasn’t in the slightest bit furious about the fact that Helion, possibly the most charming and horniest of all High Lords of Prythian, was talking to Gwyn.

Yeah, he wasn’t mad about it. Nor was he jealous. At all.

Not even when he had to walk away at the sight of Gwyn laughing at whatever the fuck Helion had just whispered in her ear. He just… wanted another drink. Which were conveniently being served on the opposite side of the throne room.

So what if Gwyn wanted to spend time with Helion? He was a charming man. And plus, she was aware that he was an ally. She was probably just being nice to him not to jeopardise that.

Although, of course, there was a slim possibility that she was enjoying his company because she genuinely liked the High Lord. But Azriel knew what cards the man was going to play, what kind of tricks he would try to pull to get Gwyn to possibly sleep with him tonight.

Would she say yes?

He suspected that she wouldn’t be ready to go all the way just yet, knowing what she’d told him after their first kiss by the river. But they had slept in the same bed a couple of nights ago, and maybe… Maybe that meant she had conquered her fears just enough to take one step further.

If he were wearing his syphons, they would’ve flared immediately.

Azriel couldn’t stand the mere thought of Gwyn in bed with another man, let alone with the High Lord of the Day Court.

Helion wouldn’t be a tender lover, not in the way she’d need him to be. He wouldn’t take his time with her, praise her, make her melt under his touch, kiss her until all her insecurities went away.

He wouldn’t make love to her slowly, gently. He wouldn’t check if she was alright or if she wanted to stop. He wouldn’t tell her how beautiful she was, how good she felt around him, how he could never get enough.

Helion wouldn’t treat her like he would.

No one would treat her like he would.

And he knew it now, because when they first kissed, something inexplicable had happened between them. A ray of sunshine had erupted within him, blinding all his shadows for a moment. And then the darkness settled in again, but it was clearer and more intense somehow, and it made his shadows dance faster, sing louder.

He swallowed. Perhaps he was reading too much into it. Perhaps he was mistaking things, being too hopeful, but at that moment he felt as if the...

“Dance with me, sweetheart.”

Helion’s voice echoed through his mind and blinded all his senses at once. Across the room, the High Lord had taken Gwyn’s hand and was guiding her into the crowded dancefloor.

Azriel’s blood was fucking boiling.

And then the man put a hand around her waist, a tad too low for his liking, and she flinched at the touch.

He lost his shit.

Don’t you dare, Azriel .

It wasn’t his shadows whispering to him this time.

The Shadowsinger snapped his head to the side and found his brother staring right at him with hard, cold eyes. He stood with Feyre, who had one of Helion’s shields around her and Nyx, and his High Lord had never looked so stiff.

She’s not comfortable with him , he told Rhysand. His voice was nothing but pure anger.

Then let her decide when to leave .

Azriel knew Gwyn would leave a situation she was uncomfortable with under normal circumstances, but…

She doesn’t want to seem rude and jeopardise your alliance with the Day Court . She won’t leave.

Rhysand’s silence filled the mental void for a few seconds, as if he were thinking of an answer that wouldn’t piss his brother off.

Why do you think she’s uncomfortable?

Azriel leaned back into the wall and let his shadows consume him.

She flinched when he touched her. His hands are way too fucking low. That’s not how he should hold her, he shouldn’t be holding her at all. And if you don’t do anything about it, Rhysand, I swear to the Mother I’m gonna rip…

The Shadowsinger didn’t have time to finish, as his brother’s shield went up in a sudden rush and, in a heartbeat, the High Lord was standing next to Helion and Gwyn on the dancefloor.

He gave their ally one of his smuggest grins, “Time to switch partners, dear friend.”

Helion’s amused stare switched from the priestess to the man, “I don’t think you have a partner I can switch with, Rhysand.”

His brother’s smugness was still intact as he gestured to his mate, “My High Lady would be happy to keep you company until I’m back.”

Helion looked back at Feyre and Nyx, then at the High Lord in front of him, “Ah, the things one must do,” he started, a wicked smirk on his lips, “to protect a brother from the delirium of his own mating bond. Am I right?”

Gwyn’s blood went cold, and she stopped breathing for a second.

Helion, who hadn’t seen her and Azriel together once since he arrived, not even standing near each other, had smelled their mating bond.

Not only that, but he had confirmed their mating bond just like that.

The young priestess felt a rush of panic run through her, couldn’t even hear the two men speaking in front of her own face, and didn’t react until Rhysand took her hand in his, and started dancing with her.

“You okay?”, the High Lord asked, voice quiet, as he placed his hand on her upper back.

She relaxed at the familiar touch, and put her free hand on his shoulder to steady herself as they swayed.

“Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry,” she managed to let out.

Gwyn didn’t even dare to turn her head to look at Azriel, who was hidden in the shadows not too far away.

Rhysand shook his head, “Don’t apologise.”

Helion’s words rang inside her head as they danced together.

‘The things one must do to protect a brother from the delirium of his own mating bond.’

Her heart stopped at the implications. Could Azriel be jealous? So jealous that it had become borderline dangerous? Gwyn couldn’t find an explanation as to why Rhysand had come to her rescue and not his brother, if he really wanted her to stay away from Helion.

“What Helion just said,” Gwyn started in a whisper, barely audible through the music. “Do you think Azriel heard?”

Rhysand shook his head no, “I put a shield around us,” he explained. “I didn’t know what Helion was going to hit us with, and I didn’t want him to get any angrier.”

“He was angry,” it wasn’t a question.

The High Lord scanned her expression carefully, as if not knowing what to say exactly. The song finished and another, slower one, replaced it instantly. Rhysand adjusted their rhythm while she got lost in her own thoughts.

“You heard what Helion said,” he gave her a warm smile, almost apologetic. “I think he confirmed what you and I already knew.”

Gwyn swallowed, “I still haven’t told Az.”

Rhysand’s eyes softened, “Judging by the scene he almost caused tonight, I’d be surprised if he still hasn’t figured it out himself by now.”

The priestess looked over his shoulder at his mate and his son, “You should go back to them,” she squeezed his hand in reassurance. “Thank you for coming to the rescue, though. I didn’t want to be impolite.”

“You were perfect,” he looked down at Gwyn’s waist as a familiar kind of darkness wrapped around it protectively. He winked at her before adding, “Have fun, Gwyn.”

The priestess frowned, confused as to why Rhysand let go of her all of a sudden, until a warm touch wrapped around her waist and spun her around slowly. When she met his hazel eyes, full of unsaid words and worries that were now vanished, she smiled.

“Shadowsinger,” she teased him as Azriel took her freckled hand in his. “Took you long enough.”

He brought her body closer to his until there was barely any room between the two, and started guiding her through the music. Azriel leaned into her ear, and whispered, “I’d say it took you long enough to get rid of Helion.”

Gwyn giggled softly, and looked at him with mischievous eyes. “I was waiting for you to get the hint.”

Azriel’s hand squeezed her waist, sending a wave of raw heat through her heart and towards her center. His voice was rough when he whispered, “Hint taken, Berdara.”

She thanked the Mother that Azriel was holding her, or else she would’ve fallen to her knees. Gwyn felt her arms and legs getting weaker with desire. Desire to kiss him right there, to have him worship her body just like she’s read so many times in her novels.

She knew Azriel would be a million times better than that.

When she noticed that his shadows had disappeared, she asked, “Where are your gloomy babies?”

Azriel smirked, knowing exactly what she meant, “They’re feeling a bit shy tonight,” he joked.

Gwyn shook her head in amusement before resting it on his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat, “Well, tell them I miss them.”

Azriel chuckled lightly, and soon enough a small shadow appeared over his shoulder to wrap around her hand, now resting against his chest. Gwyn smiled at the playfulness of it, twisted it between her slim fingers.

An intense wave of calmness and peace washed over the Spymaster. Gwyn was humming softly against his chest as they danced to a slow song, and for the first time he wasn’t afraid.

He wasn’t afraid that he had made another mistake, that he had gone after the wrong girl again. Gwyn wasn’t Mor. Gwyn wasn’t Elain. Gwyn was… Gwyn. Beautiful, breathtaking, brave, Gwyn. And perhaps she wasn’t his mate either, perhaps this was another unfunny joke from the Cauldron, but…

“Az,” he looked down at her immediately, heart racing in case something had happened, and found her big, teal eyes smiling up at him. “I want to sleep with you tonight.”

He almost tripped over his own foot. Gwyn chuckled at the panic on his face, “What I mean,” she corrected herself with a faint blush, “is that I want us to sleep in the same bed tonight. If that’s okay.”

“Of course it’s okay,” he quickly said, squeezing her hand. “But why this sudden change?”

The red on her cheeks only grew more intense as she spoke, “The night we slept together in my bedroom… I didn’t have any nightmares,” she looked so vulnerable in that moment that his chest tightened in something very similar to pain. “I felt protected, safe, at peace. And I want to feel like that again.”

Azriel swallowed, “You felt safe?”

Gwyn felt safe with you. Gwyn felt safe with you .

The girl nodded, eyes still searching his, “More than ever before,” she whispered.

Kiss her.

Not here .

Gwyn broke eye contact first, resting her head on his chest again. As he went to kiss the top of her hair, he caught a glimpse of Cassian and Nesta smiling knowingly at him. He rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the smirk that came afterwards.

Azriel wanted to kiss her. Badly. So very badly that it almost hurt. But he wasn’t going to do it here, not where everyone could see. He would love nothing more than to show her off to the world, but deep down he knew Gwyn wouldn’t be comfortable with such public displays of affection just yet. And he was fine with it.

But he still wanted to kiss her, missed the feeling of her lips on his, on his scars, everywhere, and that’s why he leaned forward and whispered, “What do you say we get out of here?”

Gwyn’s eyes sparkled as she squeezed his hand, “I was starting to think that you’d never ask, Shadowsinger.”

The halls of the Night Court were deserted.

Clearly, everyone else was still at the party to honor their alliance with the Day Court, but Gwyn didn’t care as she held Azriel’s hand through the hallways until they reached the bedroom she had gotten dressed in just a few hours ago.

Azriel closed the door behind him, and barely had any time to react as he turned around and Gwyn threw her arms around his neck. His eyes lingered on hers for what felt like an entire lifetime. A single look from those big, beautiful teal orbs and he was a goner, couldn’t think straight, couldn’t articulate any words.

The warmth that emanated from her body was intoxicating. He could set fire to the world around him in that moment, but he would never let a flame touch her.

“Stop looking at me like that,” her lips curved into a small, shy smile that he couldn’t help but mirror.

Azriel let out a low chuckle that echoed through the darkness of the room, “Like what?”

“Like you want me.”

Gwyn was painfully aware of the words that had just rolled off her tongue, but she wasn’t going to take them back. Azriel’s stare had never been darker, had never been more consuming, and she was done hiding away from the things she wanted.

Whatever his intentions were with her, she wanted to know. She needed to know.

“I want…,” she watched as his voice hesitated, and then stopped, “Nevermind what I want, Gwyn.”

“Tell me.”

“It’s nothing.”

“It’s definitely something.”

“Gwyneth.”

“Azriel.”

His eyes never left hers, but there were doubts hiding behind them, fear. But not on hers. Not anymore.

“What do you want, Shadowsinger?”, she asked him carefully, voice low.

For a second, she panicked. She panicked at the possibility of him wanting the same thing that she did, because what would it mean? What would happen next? What if he was disappointed by what she couldn’t give to him? She would rather...

“You,” Azriel’s eyes softened. “I want you.”

Always her. It had always been her.

He couldn’t look into her eyes for too long and tell her he didn’t feel anything, tell her his heart didn’t flutter at the sight of her smile. Azriel didn’t know what to call it, whatever it was happening between them, but he liked it. It left him feeling fragile, and a little silly, and he had never felt like that before. It felt...good. It felt so fucking right.

Gwyn’s breathing stopped, and she tried to look for any hints that it was just her mind playing tricks on her. But it wasn’t, and now she didn’t know what to do.

Except that she did. She knew exactly what she wanted to do.

Her lips met his more urgently than during their first time, with more desire and more confidence. Azriel didn’t hesitate as he placed both of his big hands on her waist, a bit lower than usual to test the waters.

Gwyn didn’t flinch. In fact, she only pressed her body closer to his. She kissed him as if she needed the breath he was holding, as if it belonged to her. Her hand moved to the back of his neck, pulling him closer as she savoured the joyful taste of his mouth.

Azriel pulled away first, at loss of air, of words.

His hand gently glided through her soft curls, and he looked at her in a way he had never looked at a woman before. Her eyes were candles in the dark, their light a spark of passion.

As he pressed their lips together again, softly and briefly, goosebumps lined her skin, not the kind that one gets in the cold, but the kind one gets when nothing else matters except right here, right now.

Foreheads pressed together, the closeness between them in that moment felt like something more. It felt like pure, raw intimacy.

“I want you too, Azriel,” she breathed out, heart thumping with desire for the unexpected.

She wasn’t afraid anymore. Not when she knew he would never hurt her.

The Shadowsinger gently tucked a strand of loose hair behind her ear, “Are you sure about this?”

Gwyn nodded, biting her bottom lip in anticipation, “I’m sure about this, Az.”

He held his breath, “I’d wait for you, Gwyn,” he whispered. “I’ve been waiting for you for five hundred years, and I’d wait five hundred more.”

The weight of his words crushed her, broke her to pieces. He had been waiting for her… Did he know that they were mates? Had he felt the bond, too?

“I trust you,” she opted for, pushing this new feeling to the back of her heart.

Their lips met again. Sweetly at first, setting the pace, before Azriel parted her lips with his tongue, and she granted him access. Their kiss deepened, their tongues danced together, as they took a few steps back towards the big bed in the middle of the room.

Azriel tugged at her bottom lip gently, making her whimper. She giggled in response to her own reaction, then bit his own. The Shadowsinger grunted and his grip on her waist tightened.

In that moment he wanted nothing more than to rip that little dress to shreds, pin her against the nearest wall and kneel in front of her open legs, devouring her whole. He wanted to make her scream his name, wanted to see her come undone in his mouth. And judging by the eagerness of her hands tugging at his shirt, she wanted the same, too.

His breathing quickened, and so did hers. Their lips were like magnets, unable to part ways. And neither of them wanted them to.

The back of Gwyn’s legs collapsed with the bed, and she held him tighter. She wanted him to make the first move, guide her through all this. She trusted him to make her feel good and safe. But the pain between her legs was unbearable, and Azriel wasn’t pushing her any further. He was waiting for confirmation.

So she leaned down into the mattress, taking Azriel with her, their lips never leaving each other’s.

Her trembling fingers started to unbutton his black shirt, nervous to see, to touch, what was waiting for her underneath. It wouldn’t be the first time Gwyn saw him shirtless, but she had never felt him like this. On top of her, completely at her mercy.

She swallowed back her nerves, but Azriel noticed.

He broke the kiss gently before whispering, “Tell me to stop, and we will.”

Gwyn nodded, “I want this.”

“I want this, too,” Azriel smiled. “But I want you to be comfortable. I want you to enjoy it as much as I will.”

Her breathing quickened. The pounding heat between her legs was screaming for release, but…

“I can’t… I can’t go all the way,” she whispered, apologetically. “I can’t. Not yet.”

Azriel closed the small gap between them to plant a small kiss on her awaiting lips, “I know, Gwyn. And that’s alright,” he reassured her. “What are you comfortable with?”

She didn’t hesitate as a playful smirk appeared on her lips, storing all her fears away, “What do you want to do to me, Shadowsinger?”

She could swear he growled. Azriel picked up on her playful vibe and his eyes darkened with lust, “What you’ve read in those books is nothing compared with what I plan to do to you, love.”

Love . The nickname weakened her knees, but she wasn’t going to let it show how undone he had made her feel. Not yet, “And what do those plans include, exactly?”

Azriel smirked, caressing her hips with his thumbs in reassurance, “I want to taste you, Gwyn,” he said, voice hoarser than ever before. “I need you in my mouth.”

Gwyn could only do so much as nodding, completely at loss for words, her throat dry. In a swift but gentle movement, Azriel pushed her back to the mattress, his body now hovering over hers. He covered her up entirely.

Kneeling down on the bed, Azriel took off his shirt easily. Gwyn almost gasped for air at the sight of his muscled torso, his big bulky arms. She took a moment to run her eyes over him, hungry for every inch of his exposed, tattooed skin.

She wasn’t afraid, she wasn’t insecure. All she felt was a heated pain between her legs, for him.

“Can I lift your dress?”, Azriel asked slowly, giving her enough time to decide.

But boy, had she made up her mind already. Gwyn nodded, and watched as he carefully lifted up the silky fabric up her legs, towards her stomach. He could’ve undressed her wholly, could’ve done it without asking. And that thought alone helped ease her nerves.

He’d take care of her.

The thought of Azriel seeing her naked was arousing yet terrifying at the same time. What if she was the least attractive girl he’d ever seen? She was already the least experienced by far. What if he didn’t feel aroused in the slightest?

Her thoughts were interrupted by his lips pressed against the inside of her tights, right where her scars were visible.

Gwyn widened her eyes, her breath picking up, just as he murmured, “Beautiful,” against her skin.

The gentleness of his voice sent a shiver down her spine and a flood of wetness between her legs. She suddenly felt unconscious. What if he was repulsed by her smell? What if she was too wet? What if…

His big hand moved to her knees, parting her thighs further for him. Her underwear was still on, but Gwyn suspected that it wouldn’t be for much longer.

“I can stop right now,” Azriel said all of a sudden.

She used her elbows as support to lift her torso and meet his eyes. His head was right between her legs, the reality of what was about to happen hitting her all of a sudden.

But she wasn’t afraid.

Not with him. Never with Az.

“I don’t want you to stop,” she whispered in a low, throaty voice.

Azriel planted one last kiss inside her thighs before his long fingers laced around the slim fabric of her silky underwear. And he pulled it down.

She held her breath as it registered in her head that she was completely exposed to him now. The most vulnerable part of her anatomy was displayed in front of his very eyes.

And she collapsed.

A flashback of her own body rushed through her, exposed just like this to that Hybern General, while he took everything from her. She remembered her sister, slaughtered right at her feet. She remembered the pain of him inside of her, his smile growing wider the harder she cried.

Her whole body started shaking, and she shut her legs immediately. She hated to associate this intimate, beautiful moment with such a terrible memory, to take it out on Azriel. But she couldn’t help the tears from falling.

Gwyn gasped for hair, and put a hand over her chest to check if her heart was still beating. Azriel shot up from his position immediately to sit beside her, not touching her just yet.

“Gwyn,” his voice was gentle and firm. “Gwyneth. Look at me.”

The priestess did, and the sight of those puffy eyes full of tears completely shattered him. “We are going to stop, alright?”, Azriel continued. “It’s alright, love. It’s alright. I’m not mad at you. This is not your fault.”

Gwyn’s lips quivered. “N-no, Az. I’m fine. Let’s…”

“Gwyn. No ,” his voice turned cold, a command. “We are in no rush here. I promised you I’d wait for you, and I’m going to.”

He hesitated, but eventually took her shaking hands in his and brought them up to his lips, kissing them tenderly. “You’re everything I’ve ever wanted, Gwyn. And I choose to wait for you.”

His words made her heart sting with a kind of emotion she had never felt before. The tears stopped falling, her breathing calmed down as he kept peppering soft kisses all over her hands.

Suddenly, his shadows left the back of his wings and wrapped around her instantly. And they sang. They sang an ancient song about love, about happiness, that soothed her heart.

Slowly, she moved towards Azriel and wrapped her arms around his neck, hugging him as the shadows still sang around them. He sighed into their embrace, breathing her in, making himself a silent promise to never see her cry like that ever again.

“I choose you too, Azriel,” she whispered into his neck

He held her closer and struggled not to cry himself. He swallowed back the horrors that weren’t his but that he had seen plastered all over her face. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but he would help her overcome all of it. Until nothing but bliss remained. He’d hold her hand every step of the way.

And that was his final choice.

Chapter 8 Chapter Text

“You look miserable, girl.”

Gwyn didn’t even look up from her full breakfast plate before muttering, “Thanks.”

Amren chuckled at her response, but the tiredness in the priestess’ eyes told her enough. She wasn’t going to push it.

“Rough night, darling?”, Helion smirked at her, yet a glimpse of concern rushed through his playful eyes.

Rhysand sent Azriel a warning glare that the Shadowsinger immediately understood. He wasn’t going to make a scene every time Helion talked to Gwyn. Alright. He could do that.

Gwyn chewed on a piece of fruit slowly, her voice flat when she said, “Something like that.”

Cassian put a casual arm around Gwyn’s chair and nudged her playfully, “These girls can’t sleep properly without their night stories.”

Nesta shot him a warning look, but his words actually made the priestess smile. Azriel relaxed on his seat.

“They definitely help,” she agreed, her voice visibly lighter.

Helion, thankfully, seemed to be content enough that Gwyn looked a little happier, and didn’t press on about what kind of books she liked to read. He would’ve enjoyed the answer, no doubt, but Azriel wasn’t in the mood to go through that so early in the morning.

Or ever, truly.

Gwyn had slept calmly throughout the night, although her eyes seemed to tell a different story. Perhaps she hadn’t rested well, or as much as she should have. He made a mental note to ask her to take a nap later.

She was quiet during the rest of their breakfast, then put the best face she could to say goodbye to Helion and his court. But once the man was gone, her features fell again.

“Gwyn, are you feeling alright?”, Feyre was the first to check on her after the Day Court had left their home.

The High Lady put an arm around the priestess as she walked with her to a calmer part of the room. Nesta followed them close behind.

“I’ve been better,” Gwyn confessed, feeling her head buzzing slightly.

“Did something happen?”, Nesta asked with worried eyes.

She debated whether to say it or just stay quiet. It wasn’t that she didn’t trust Feyre, but… She felt self-conscious enough to voice her worries out loud around her sisters as it was. Adding someone else to the equation made her too anxious.

So she smiled, fully aware that the Archeron sisters could see right through her act, “I’m fine. I just didn’t sleep that well.”

Neither of them pressed her to continue, which she was grateful for. But when they got back to the House of Wind, Gwyn headed immediately down to the library to keep working with Merrill, which didn’t allow her to rest at all.

As she shelved some books by the end of her shift, she allowed herself to acknowledge the deep hole that had been filling her chest since the previous night.

She’s always been brave, for herself and to honor her sister. She’d want her to be proud of the woman she was becoming, but this… This wasn’t easy.

At first she’d thought she would be okay with Azriel seeing her in her most vulnerable state. She felt safe around him, somewhat confident even. But the inevitable had crossed her mind at the worst moment possible, and Azriel probably resented her for it even if he said he didn’t.

She was willing to try again, when the right moment came. Although she couldn’t help but feel worried about it — if she wasn’t able to go through with it a second time…

No . She refused to think of herself as a failure for this. She liked Azriel, trusted him and wanted to do this with him. She could, she will push past her fears.

No one would ever take advantage of her. She’d make sure of it.

Her shift ended just in time to let the darkest of thoughts at bay. When she passed by Clotho in the entrance to the library and told her that she’d see her the next day, the priestess held up her hand. A silent way of telling her to wait.

‘Your friend is waiting for you outside’ , she wrote on a piece of paper.

Gwyn frowned, and asked, “Which one?”

She couldn’t help but feel a bit proud of herself for asking that question. She really had true friends. She had quite a few, actually, at least enough to not know who Clotho was speaking of.

She wrote again, ‘The Shadowsinger.’

Gwyn’s heart jumped, but she didn’t let it show as she smiled to Clotho, “Thank you for letting me know. See you tomorrow.”

‘Have a good night, Gwyneth.’

Sure enough, Azriel was waiting for her at the entrance of the library, casually leaning against the nearest wall. When he saw her, his shadows immediately went up to twirl around her and, to their surprise, they started to sing.

“How are you feeling?”, Azriel scanned her face carefully as she walked up closer to him.

She stopped at a safe distance between them, “Tired.”

Azriel pondered his next move. It was clear as day that she needed to sleep. One look at her exhausted face and he couldn’t help but feel bad. So fucking bad.

He was the reason why she looked so defeated today. If he hadn’t pushed her to do anything, if he hadn’t been so fucking blinded by his primal needs, then she would be smiling right now instead of waiting for the ground to swallow her.

“Stop sulking,” Gwyn gave him a knowing look, as if she had just read his mind. “I just didn’t sleep that well. It’s not your fault.”

Which wasn’t a total lie.

The Shadowsinger swallowed back his remorse and said with conviction, “Come on. You’re going to bed early today.”

To his surprise, she didn’t object.

Gwyn followed him up to her bedroom in the House of Wind, still keeping a safe distance between them. Azriel’s heart sank. He had completely ruined whatever they might have had. He had triggered a terrible memory in her, and now she would take a step back in her healing process instead of forward. He had done this to her.

One of his syphons flared, turning the dark hallway bright blue.

Gwyn gave him a quick, worried look, but he couldn’t meet her eyes. He wouldn’t let her see the rage inside of him. The ugliest parts of him.

So he took a deep breath and calmed down completely by the time they got to her bedroom door. The young priestess opened it without so much as saying goodnight, and when she noticed he wasn’t following her, she turned around and frowned.

“Aren’t you coming in?”

Azriel’s throat went completely dry. This wasn’t the reaction he had been expecting, “Do you want me to?”

A faint blush appeared on her cheeks, “Of course I do, Az,” she paused. “Do you want to come inside?”

Instead of answering, he walked the distance between them and entered her bedroom. His shadows closed the door behind him. Gwyn looked up at him, right in those beautiful hazel orbs, and her heart started pounding.

When she saw the hint of darkness behind them, very faint but it was definitely there, she felt that throbbing pain between her legs again. And judging by the smug grin on his lips, he could smell it too.

To hell with fear, right?

“You alright, Berdara?”, he teased.

Gwyn didn’t hesitate.

“I’d be better with your mouth between my legs, Shadowsinger.”

Azriel stopped breathing for a second.

“You sure?”

Gwyn hummed, “Positive.”

“You’re tired.”

“Not that much.”

But Azriel still was careful. If he made her cry again, if she started shaking and hyperventilating like she had done the other night… he would never forgive himself for rushing in. For ruining this for her once again.

So he closed the remaining distance between their awaiting bodies, slowly to give her time to object, but she didn’t. Their lips met tenderly, taunting, before he pulled away.

Foreheads touching, he whispered, “I said I’d wait for you. That still stands.”

The priestess gave him a small smile, “I know,” she swallowed. “But I’m done waiting. I want this. And I’m not going to let my past get in the way of what I want.”

Even if she sometimes couldn’t help it. She will push through it. She will push past her fears. She felt safe with Azriel, nothing bad ever happened when he was with her.

Gwyn wanted to try again. Not only for them, for whatever unresolved tensions she felt between them, but for herself.

Azriel then lifted her up from the back of her thighs in a quick movement, making her squeal. He smiled, “Tell me to stop…”

“And you will,” she interrupted him with a smirk. “I know. Will you please kiss me now, Shadowsinger?”

His lips captured her own in an instant. Gwyn tangled her small fingers on the dark curls of his hair, and found it to be softer than she had ever imagined. She wrapped her legs around his waist as he carried her effortlessly towards her bed. And when her back hit the mattress, she parted his lips with her eager tongue, deepening the kiss.

Azriel used one hand to keep himself steady on top of her, the other running down her thigh until his fingers reached the end of her dress. And then he lifted it up carefully towards her stomach, just like he had done the night before.

Gwyn breathed in and out. She was familiar with his part. She would be alright. Instead, she concentrated on the feeling of his rough yet gentle touch on her bare skin, on the pool of wetness of her underwear. She was hungry, starving for him, and she was done hiding it.

Azriel’s fingers stopped at the hem of her panties, toying with the band as his eyes searched for hers, “Still sure?”

The priestess almost groaned in response. She really appreciated his gentleness, the way he always asked for permission and made sure she was alright, but right now she was frustrated. Her spine curved in anticipation with every faint touch of his hands, and she needed him. Badly. So badly it was starting to sting.

“Yes,” she breathed out. “I need your mouth, Azriel. Please.”

The sound of her begging voice made his cock twitch inside his pants. He smirked up at her as his fingers still teased her at the hem of her soaked underwear, “I didn’t think you’d be so needy, Berdara,” his voice went down a notch, and she shivered. “Let’s take these off, shall we?”

And just like that, she was exposed to him once again. Although, this time, nothing but a profound arousal remained. She was feeling so fucking greedy for him, his touch. His goddamn mouth.

“How do you want me?”, Azriel asked in a rough voice, before licking his lips in anticipation.

Gwyn bit her bottom lip at the sight of him completely at her mercy, between her open legs.

She pondered his question. If she told him how she really wanted him… would it be too much? Would it be too triggering? Perhaps she shouldn’t attend to her desires just this once.

But his touch was burning her skin, his face mere inches away from her sex, his heavy breath sending chills down her core. And she wanted him to devour her completely.

“Rough,” she felt her cheeks getting warm as she spoke. “But… but gentle, too.”

Azriel let out a low chuckle, “Alright.”

He knew exactly what she meant, and he was more than happy to provide her with whatever she wanted. Always.

He mentally prayed to the Mother to give him enough strength to control his damn impulses just this once.

In a calculated movement, Azriel took both of her wrists and pinned them down to the bed with one strong hand. His dark stare had never been more intense, “Don’t move.”

The rough command sent a flood of wetness between her legs. His big hand moved to her knees, parting her thighs open for him. She was completely exposed, and she’d never felt so fucking aroused.

“Good girl,” he whispered in the roughest voice she’d ever heard coming from him.

He ran his middle finger across her glistening slit slowly, and Gwyn whimpered at that first touch. The sound that escaped her throat made his head start spinning, and he truly didn’t know where he found the strength to keep his cock inside his pants at that.

“Is this all for me, Gwyn?”

She nodded quickly, unable to let the words out. She was dying to be touched. Azriel’s dark eyes locked with hers, smug against her desperation. He caressed her inner thighs before going back to where she really wanted him.

The thought of his fingers inside of her was all-consuming, but she didn’t think they’d fit inside of her. They were too long, too wide, and she was… She had never done anything like this before.

Nobody had taken anything away from her. No.

This was her first time.

But if his fingers wouldn’t fit inside her, then other parts of him would definitely not fit either. She swallowed, but her racing thoughts were interrupted by the sudden feeling of fucking paradise.

In a swift movement he lowered his mouth to her center, the tip of his tongue exploring her most sensitive parts slowly, just right.

A high-pitched moan escaped her at the first touch of his tongue up her slit, and she feared Nesta and Cassian had heard her and figured out exactly what they were doing. But as he parted her wet folds with one experienced finger and started tracing delicate circles around her core, she threw her head back in pleasure and realised that she didn’t really care.

She didn’t care about anything besides here, right now, and the immense pleasure he was making her feel.

Azriel caught her clit between his lips and sucked harshly, making her cry out loud in ecstasy. He pulled away suddenly, his mouth glistening with her wetness. She almost felt self-conscious until she saw his taunting smile.

He smirked against her core, giving it another long and slow lick. She gripped at the covers, “You’re delicious, love.”

She threw her head back in pleasure as the nickname rolled off his lips, and he buried his mouth on her cunt again. He licked her fast and good, so fucking good she started shaking from it. He put his hands on her hips, pinning her down to the bed, a kind of dominant pressure that was driving her insane.

“That’s it, love,” he said, voice low and possessive, “I know it feels good. I know. You taste so fucking amazing.”

Gwyn put her hands over her mouth, unable to keep quiet overwise. This was too much. This was too fucking much.

“Azriel,” she whined, “I… something’s happening to me.”

He hummed against her clit, sending a vibration through her core that made her moan again. “That means you’re about to come,” he explained as he kissed her on her most sensitive nerves. “It’s okay. You’re okay.”

Gwyn’s fingers laced through his hair, pulling at it slightly. Azriel let out a throaty moan, and she smirked.

He likes it when I’m rough, too .

The Shadowsinger brought his middle finger back to her core, teasing her around her folds. He wasn’t sure whether she’d be okay with a little fingering, but he didn’t push it. Not right now. They had all the time in the world.

When Gwyn’s impatient hands pushed his mouth back to her clit, he almost chuckled at her eagerness. A few more strokes and she was about to come undone in his awaiting mouth. He couldn’t believe that she was real, that all of this was real.

“Come on my mouth, love. I got you. Let go.”

Her back arched in pleasure as she reached her climax. His tongue didn’t slow down, and he was nibbling and sucking on her cunt with such vice she couldn’t believe he wanted her that bad. She shivered as she reached her orgasm, and couldn’t control herself as she cried his name out loud, high-pitched and hot. She couldn’t breathe.

Azriel pulled away with a grin, leaving her core pulsating and over-sensitive. He wiped at his mouth with the back of his hand, “Well?”

“That was…”, Gwyn struggled to catch her breath. “I… I need more.”

Azriel chuckled, and smirked down at her as he kneeled down on the bed before her. Her eyes absentmindedly travelled to the not-so-subtle bulge in his pants, and she immediately felt bad.

He had made her see the stars, and she wanted to do the same for him. She licked her lips in anticipation, wondering if she was truly ready to see Azriel’s naked body without freaking out just yet.

But the Shadowsinger read her expression immediately, “You don’t owe me anything, Gwyn,” he reassured her. “We can wait until you’re ready.”

She weighed down his words, and almost pouted. “But I want to give you pleasure, too.”

“Do you seriously think eating you out did nothing for me?”, he shook his head in amusement. He had almost come in his underwear, for crying out loud.

Gwyn blushed at the tightness of his pants again, “Alright,” she closed her eyes and started to pull down her dress until she was fully covered again. “But soon.”

“Soon,” he agreed as he leaned forward and gave her a kiss.

The priestess almost grunted. She could taste herself on his mouth, and it drove her insane once again. The vicious heat came back to her core, and she didn’t know what strange power took over her when she parted his lips with her tongue once more, threw her arms around his neck, and climbed into his lap.

Azriel’s heartbeat picked up as he steadied her, hands on her small waist. When Gwyn started moving slowly against his shaft, grinding her body against his, he groaned. His grip on her hips tightened until he was pretty sure they’d leave a mark on her pale skin. And the more he thought about it, marking her like that, the harder he got.

Gwyn didn’t overthink it, only did what felt good to her. She grinded her body against his, feeling his covered shaft against her core, and fuck . She whimpered at the feeling of how hard it was, how big it was, and it was then when she understood that Nesta and Emerie weren’t lying when they told her about wingspans.

The mere thought of feeling him inside of her drove her completely crazy.

Azriel brought their lips together again, feeling breathless whenever he wasn’t kissing her.

“Az…”, she whined into his mouth, as they continued to kiss and grind and touch and pant. “I’m…”

“Fuck, Gwyn,” he groaned as she grinded into him just in the right spot.

And when she let out a small moan, he knew there was no going back. He was about to come inside his fucking pants, and he wasn’t one bit ashamed of it.

“Oh my god,” Gwyn whimpered as she threw her head back in ecstasy. “Az… I’m gonna come again. Azriel .”

His thumbs caressed her skin softly on her hips, “Let go, babe. I got you.”

It was the nickname that did it for her.

The pleasure became too much, and the climax crashed into her seconds later. She screamed into his shoulder as she came yet again, waves of overwhelming pleasure washing over her body, leaving her core pulsating.

The sight of her letting go for the second time in a row, screaming in pleasure against his cock, became the very last straw. To hell with self-control. Azriel groaned into her neck, squeezing his eyes shut. His body went still under her, and he let go.

Gwyn allowed herself to regain her breath, heart pounding inside her chest. She couldn’t believe they had just done that . Azriel had eaten her out, and then she had grinded on him until she came for a second time. And he…

“Did you come, too?”, she asked him, both playfully and out of breath.

The Shadowsinger didn’t even hide it. “I sure as fuck did, Gwyn.”

She laughed, a genuine laugh, and planted a small kiss on his cheek. “Thank you.”

Azriel brought her closer to him. “That was amazing, Gwyn. You made me feel so good. I should be the one thanking you.”

Her chest tightened at his words, and she knew they were true. “You made me feel really good, too,” she smiled shyly, and hugged him tighter. “I feel whole when I’m with you.”

He kissed the top of her head, “The feeling is mutual, Gwyn.”

She ignored the faint, golden light that sparkled inside her chest.

“Come on, Shadowsinger,” she smirked. “Let’s get us both cleaned up.”

Chapter 9 Notes:

I have sinned yet again

Chapter Text

Cassian’s deep laughter filled the room as Rhysand poured himself yet another tall glass of wine. His third of the night, probably the fourth. None of them were keeping count.

The fireplace crackled on the opposite side of the room and Azriel remained just as quiet, his shadows twirling around the tips of his wings as he tried to concentrate on the conversation unfolding before him.

“Needless to say,” the High Lord continued, “Amren didn’t speak to us for three days straight.”

The Shadowsinger couldn’t help but smirk at the thought of Feyre and Rhys accidentally walking in on Amren and Varian having sex in one of the Townhouse rooms, the place they were in right now. Just the three of them, having a few glasses of his brother’s most expensive wine, and enjoying the tranquility of each other’s company in the empty house.

Mor had asked them what exactly they were celebrating before they left the River House. Cassian responded that they were simply celebrating peace.

The General laughed again, “I’d be scarred for life, man.”

Azriel bit his tongue. He knew a thing or two about being scarred for life after catching his friends doing certain things under the dining room table. But he wasn’t in the mood for teasing tonight.

He didn’t know where he stood with Gwyn, and it was making his heart ache, it was consuming him wholly. It was pretty clear that she trusted him enough to show him the most vulnerable parts of her, and he trusted her with his insecurities too, but it was still… confusing.

And he hated himself for it. Because the mating bond hadn’t snapped for him yet, so what if it meant…

“Hey,” Cassian was the first one to notice the darkening of his shadows around him. “Everything alright, Az?”

He debated whether to just shrug it off and move on, but Rhysand’s intense stare told him that wouldn’t even be an option. He sat back on the velvet chair and sighed.

“Not exactly.”

Cassian’s eyes widened slightly. He wasn’t expecting his brother to straight up admit that something was bothering him. He never did, preferred to keep it all to himself.

“What is it?”, the General asked with evident concern in his voice.

Rhysand stayed quiet, his eyes never leaving the Shadowsinger.

Azriel shook his head, “It’s just dumb shit.”

But Cassian frowned, “It’s not dumb shit if it’s bothering you, Azriel.” A pause. And then, “Is it about Gwyn?”

His shadows danced around his back, as if they were excited to even hear the priestess’ name. For his brothers, that was confirmation enough.

“Are you two…,” Cassian started. “I mean, are you together?”

Azriel’s face stayed unreadable, “I don’t know what we are.”

“But something’s happened between you?”

“Yes.”

Rhysand repositioned himself in his own seat, and placed his full glass of wine on the small table in front of them. Something similar to concern was sparkling in his eyes.

“Something happened between you,” the High Lord repeated carefully. “To what extent?”

Azriel didn’t need to answer for his brothers to guess, but he still did. Rhysand looked strangely on-edge.

“We didn’t go all the way,” he clarified. “She’s not… ready for that just yet.”

Rhysand’s stare hardened, “And is that a problem?”

Azriel snapped his head up in his direction, a mix of surprise and anger in his eyes, “I never said it was.”

Cassian looked between the two men carefully before adding, “You two are acting weird as fuck right now.”

The Shadowsinger ignored him, and turned his full attention to the High Lord. His blood was boiling, “What did she say to you that day at your office?”

Rhysand stiffened, but his stare didn’t soften, “I don’t think it’s my place to tell you, Az.”

His syphons were about to start flaring, he was painfully aware of that. And he didn’t want to act like this in front of his brothers, didn’t want to feel so fucking angry and desperate at all, but when it came to her… He couldn’t control his impulses.

“What did she say to you, Rhysand?”, Azriel held his brother’s stare as if he wasn’t about to explode inside.

“I said, it’s not my place to tell you.”

“To hell with that, Rhys,” his voice went up a notch, and he lost all control he was trying to keep at bay. “What could be so fucking important that she had to tell you, and not me?”

“Ah, there it is,” the High Lord sat back on his seat with a smug, knowing smirk plastered all over his face.

Cassian looked between the two brothers, still confused, but chose to say nothing.

“What?”, Azriel barked.

“I’m not going to tell you,” Rhysand’s voice remained neutral, but he could see the rage behind his facade. “She asked to speak to me about a personal matter. If you wish to know so badly, then ask her, Azriel. I’m not going to tell you a damn thing.”

One of his syphons flared, but neither of his brothers flinched. Instead, Cassian walked over to him and put a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I think you should take a step back, Az,” he said calmly. “This isn’t the right move.”

Another syphon turned the walls around them blue.

“ Azriel ,” Rhysand’s command went completely over his head as all his syphons flared with such an intensity his two brothers started to feel nervous. The High Lord stood up from his seat, and walked over to the Shadowsinger, standing barely a few feet away from him, “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Cassian almost cringed at his brother’s tone, the way Azriel’s syphons only started glowing with more intensity as a response. He mentally readied himself to tackle him down if necessary.

“And why the fuck won’t you tell me what she said to you, Rhysand?”, Azriel stood up abruptly, now mere inches away from his brother. But the High Lord didn’t take a step back.

Rhysand held his stare harshly. This needed to end right now. It was getting ridiculous. The way Azriel was reacting to a simple conversation between him and Gwyn was completely unreasonable, and he suspected why.

Perhaps Gwyn hadn’t told him yet. And Rhysand knew he shouldn’t be the one to break the news, but…

“Why the fuck are you being such a fucking moron?”, Cassian interrupted his thoughts. “Do you seriously think this is the right way to react, Azriel? It was just a fucking conversation between two friends!”

“Stay out of it, Cassian,” the Shadowsinger said between gritted teeth.

“I don’t fucking want to,” he bit back. “Whatever Gwyn wanted to talk to Rhys about, that’s between them. Maybe there’s a reason why she hasn’t told you yet.”

Azriel knew he was being unreasonable, childish even. But he couldn’t control himself when it came to her. Knowing that there was a possibility something terrible was happening to her, so bad that she had to go straight to Rhysand… The fact that she had gone to another male to ask for help…

His shadows were awfully quiet around him, too. All he could hear was his own inner rage.

“I just…”, he started, unable to see past his own helplessness. He lowered his gaze. He couldn’t look at Rhysand any longer, or he’d burst. “I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

The High Lord’s eyes didn’t soften on his brother, “You know better than to do this, Azriel,” he felt like a father disciplining his son. “Tell me. Do you think Gwyn trusts me more than she trusts you?”

He shut his eyes, “I don’t know.”

“For fuck’s sake,” Cassian ran a hand through his tired face, then through his hair. “Please, Az. Tell me you’re fucking joking.”

The Shadowsinger didn’t respond. He had nothing to say.

Deep down he knew there was no real reason to feel this way, and yet he couldn’t close the black hole that had been torn inside his chest. He almost felt like crying when he imagined Gwyn trusting another man more than she trusted him, after everything they had been through.

Azriel never cried. Yet he had been at the verge of tears more than once, for her.

“I’m sorry,” his voice was rough, barely a whisper. “I know I’m being unreasonable.”

Cassian gave Rhysand a look that he immediately understood. Both brothers lowered their mental shields at once.

Gwyn is his mate, isn’t she?

Rhysand didn’t even have to answer for the General to understand. Nor was he surprised by his brother figuring it out all by himself. So Cassian asked,

Does Azriel know?

I don’t think she’s told him.

Gwyn knows?!

She has for a while.

Cassian eyed the Shadowsinger briefly. He truly looked defeated.

Is that what you two talked about the other day?

Among other things .

Rhysand heard Cassian’s loud, irony-filled chuckle echoing through the walls of his mind.

The asshole has been begging for a mating bond for five hundred years and now that it’s literally in front of his eyes, he doesn’t see it .

“I think you should talk to Gwyn,” Rhysand said out loud, noticing that both Cassian and him had been quiet for suspiciously too long. “Figure some things out.”

Azriel’s syphons finally had gone back to their usual state, the calm now more visible in his sharp features. He felt ashamed for overreacting, for lashing out on his brothers like this.

Yeah, he probably had a few things to figure out. Especially one.

“I like Gwyn,” he said without giving himself enough time to keep it a secret any longer. Not from his brothers.

Oh shit .

Rhysand put his mental shield back up, ignoring Cassian.

Azriel continued. “I think I’ve liked her for a while now. It’s… It’s not like Mor. Or Elain. I don’t know how to explain it.”

He didn’t even know what it was that he was feeling, for that matter. His brothers held their breaths in anticipation. Azriel never talked about his feelings, for a long time they didn’t even think he was capable of acknowledging them and yet…

Azriel looked at Cassian, then at Rhys, and asked in an unusually low voice, “How did you know the mating bond had snapped for you?”

Rhysand swore he could hear Cassian scream from the other side of his mental shield, but he didn’t lower it. He let his facial expression show nothing of the turmoil he was feeling inside.

“I knew since the first time I saw Feyre,” he said, calmly.

“Same for me with Nesta,” added Cassian.

Azriel’s heart sank to his feet. “Is it possible that I haven’t… that I can’t recognise the mating bond?”

Rhysand pondered this. He had never met anyone who hadn’t recognised the mating bond. He knew of people who had rejected it, but not even seeing it was something very different. It was usually very clear, especially to males. And he wondered if it could be possible. It seemed to be the case with his brother but perhaps…

Could it be that Gwyn wasn’t really his mate?

That he had made a mistake?

That Helion had made a mistake?

“I don’t know if it’s possible”, he confessed. When he saw the defeat in Azriel’s eyes, he asked, “Do you think she’s your mate?”

The Shadowsinger shook his head and lowered his gaze, “I don’t know.”

Cassian had had enough, “That is not the right question,” he crossed his arms in front of his chest, and looked at him with hard eyes, like he looked at those Windhaven cadets not long ago. “The question is, do you want her to be, Azriel?”

His brother frowned, “That’s not how it goes.”

“And who the fuck cares!”, Cassian cried out.

“I do!”, one of his syphons lit up again. “If Gwyn has a mate and it’s not me, I don’t want to be in the middle of that. I don’t…”, he lowered his voice as he noticed the rage steaming up again. “Not again.”

As much as Azriel longed for a mate, the fact that he could be taking Gwyn away from her own mate made his heart bleed. He couldn’t cause that kind of pain again. First Mor, who obviously wasn’t destined to be with him, then Elain with Lucien and now… He wouldn’t do that to Gwyn. He couldn’t .

“I think it’s best if you sleep on it,” Rhysand concluded. His hard stare had softened on him. “Then talk to Gwyn in the morning. Tell her how you feel.”

“She will understand,” Cassian added in an equally soft tone. “And hopefully she’ll talk some sense into you, too,” he smirked.

Azriel smiled too, but only faintly. And even if that hole was still deep inside his heart, he thanked his brothers for not kicking him out of the house.

They were right. He’d sleep on it, give himself enough time to listen to his own feelings, and then he’d talk to Gwyn the following morning.

Only that he couldn’t wait until the morning.

When he flew himself back to the House of Wind, he checked the training ring first. Empty. Then, he checked the dining room area, the living room. Nothing.

So Azriel guessed she would be in her bedroom, probably asleep already, and he almost went back to his own room not to disturb her. Until his shadows finally whispered to him.

She’s in the private library .

Is she alone?

Yes .

Azriel didn’t hesitate. He winnowed himself to the other side of the House and stopped right at the door. There was a dim light coming from the other side. He knocked softly on the hardwood.

“Come in!”

The softness in her voice made him shiver. Sure enough, Gwyn was sitting on a small velvety couch by the fireplace, a book on her lap. When she saw him, she immediately shot up from her seat.

“What are you doing here?”, she asked, almost out of breath.

Yeah, good question , he thought to himself.

What the fuck was he supposed to say now?

“I… I wanted to tell you—”

“Come here,” she interrupted him.

He raised his eyebrows, surprised. Her cheeks turned pink as she extended a hand for him to take. He did, and said nothing as she motioned towards the couch, silently telling him to sit down. He did that, too.

And then she leaned in and planted a small kiss on his lips, leaving him breathless, before kneeling down between his legs.

“Gwyn, what…”

“Shh,” she smirked up at him. “Sit back and relax, Shadowsinger.”

It clicked inside his mind, and he freaked out.

He was tempted to, really, but, “Gwyn. You don’t have to do this.”

“I want to,” her hands travelled to the hem of his pants, and she stopped to look up at him. Those eyes… those eyes were going to be the death of him. He couldn’t say no to them. “Please, Az. Let me make you feel good.”

He almost groaned, “Fuck, Gwyn.”

The priestess smirked, knowing that he was once more at her mercy, and focused on the desire she felt between her legs.

Azriel closed his eyes in anticipation, unable to do anything else but brace himself for this. Was she really going to do it? Suck him off right there, in the middle of the library? He couldn’t say he hated the idea. He certainly didn’t push back the thought of her pretty little mouth wrapped around his cock, just like he had imagined so many times in the darkness of the late hours.

Gwyn kept her attention on her own arousal as she unbuttoned his pants and pulled them down slightly. Because if she let herself remember the conversation about wingspans, the feeling of his covered length against her, hard and ready between her legs…

She licked her lips in anticipation. She wanted this. And she was starving for him.

Azriel helped her lower his pants a little. Her small hand started to stroke him slowly through the thin fabric of his underwear, testing the waters. He couldn’t be this big. And yet somehow that possibility wasn’t scary anymore. Instead, it made her core pulsate with the desire to be filled.

She didn’t hesitate as she finally took his whole length out, and the sight of him knocked all the air out of her lungs.

He was huge. No — that was definitely an understatement. He was absolutely massive . He was long and dark and thick, and Gwyn instantly knew her body would never be able to fit him.

But boy, was she willing to try.

Azriel inspected her face carefully as she saw him naked for the first time, looking for any hint of sudden regret. But then she licked her lips again, biting down softly on her bottom one, and he lost his mind.

Deep down, though, Gwyn was afraid to touch him, afraid to try something dumb or that wouldn’t feel good to him. He had been so good to her, what if she couldn’t live up to his expectations?

Not to mention that he’d probably been given lots of amazing blowjobs already. She could have at least taken the time to look up how to properly give one before throwing herself at him like this. Surely, some of her books talked about this. She should’ve gone over those pages again.

“Take your time,” Azriel whispered roughly, probably reading her face, “I’ll guide you.”

So she took his word for it, and decided she didn’t have to suck him off just yet. She glanced briefly at the closed door at the end of the library—Cassian and Nesta were probably busy, as they usually were at this hour, so nobody would walk in and interrupt them. She relaxed, and focused her attention back on where she wanted it to be.

But Azriel couldn’t relax, not when she took his cock in her small hand, stroking it a little, testing how it felt between her fingers. She looked so damn innocent while doing so he almost grunted. But he didn’t want to scare her.

She moved her fist up and down in a careful motion. A drop of pre-cum came out the little slit at the top, and she wiped it off with the tip of her tongue.

Fuck .

He couldn’t stop himself as he grabbed the back of her copper hair tightly, locking her between his hand and his cock. He felt a sudden wave of possessiveness rush through him when she whimpered from his rough grip, but he quickly reminded himself he needed to be gentle. She needed him to be gentle. So he loosened his grip on her hair just enough.

Gwyn leaned down, hair pulled back by his hand, and started by licking the head, tasting him there tentatively. She didn’t think it tasted like anything really, just skin, but it was him . She was sucking him off, hopefully giving him the pleasure he had given her, and that was enough to make it taste like the most delicious thing she’d ever tried. He let out a heavy sigh in response.

“Am I doing it alright?”, Gwyn asked, as her hand still jerked his cock up and down. Did she really expect him to talk in that state?

“Mm,” he managed to let out, tightening the grip on her hair so that she would hopefully get the message that it felt really good, so fucking good.

Gwyn thought he was way too big for her hand, and so he’d probably be too big for her mouth as well, but she slid it in without hesitation or fear, the tip of it anyway, and started moving downward on him.

And fuck , he was big. It wasn’t so much about the length, but the thickness—her jaw expanded with his cock, and it actually hurt a little to have him there.

As Gwyn’s mouth worked wonders on him, Azriel struggled to believe she had never given a blowjob before, because shit . She was good. She was more than good. All his senses were blinded by her mouth on him.

He didn’t need to tell her to watch her teeth, and the rhythm she settled for was doing it for him. Her mouth mimicked what her hand had been doing, a steady up-and-down movement, her fingers wrapped around him at the base. He noticed she wasn’t going all the way down, and so he pulled his hips up slowly as he lowered her head on him, the sudden desire of hearing her gag on his cock blocking all his senses.

His whole length, mixed with his thickness, became too much, and her throat closed at the sensation, trapping the tip of his cock with it, and he moaned in pleasure. Gwyn froze. Had she hurt him?

“Are you okay?”, he asked her with concern in his eyes. When she nodded, he relaxed again. “You’re doing so good, babe. Sucking my cock like that. Fuck , Gwyn.”

She smirked internally. There he was. She’d always suspected Azriel would be into dirty talking, and she wasn’t wrong. It could only mean that he really did feel good, and that he wasn’t afraid to show her this unchained part of him. The mutual trust between them at that moment made her heart swoon. And it gave her the confidence to try something new.

Her head started bobbing up and down faster, adding a little twist to her grip he wasn’t expecting, “ Fuck ,” Azriel muttered, and absentmindedly jerked his hips up, making her gag again. His heart stopped. He had gone too far.

But she didn’t stop, her lips reaching the base of his cock and choking as she did so, and Azriel thought he was going to pass out.

He didn’t think he’d last much longer, and panic started rushing into him. There was no way he could walk out of the library with an erect and throbbing cock, but where the hell would he come?

Almost as if Gwyn had read his mind, she unwrapped her swollen lips from his cock, and whispered roughly, “Come on my mouth, Az.”

“Fuck, babe,” he groaned, “Are you sure?”

He felt her nod, “I want to taste you. Just like you tasted me.”

Shit .

He couldn’t stop himself as he pulled her head back down on his cock, and she took him in immediately, going back to her previous pace. The sudden mental picture of him spilling into her, mouth full of his cum, watching her swallow every drop, made his cock throb. The mere thought of it sent him into oblivion, until he couldn’t hold himself together any longer.

His breath grew more rapid and he said, “I’m going to come, Gwyn.”

She hummed in response, the vibration sending him over the edge. His cock got bigger and harder in her tight throat, and his whole body went stiff as he released his seed inside her mouth. He tightened the grip on her hair, holding her head into place, and he could only imagine what the sensation would be like for her. He hoped it wasn’t too unpleasant, because Mother . He needed her to do that for him again.

He started to go soft in her mouth and fist, and she let go of him, “Okay, okay. Fuck, Gwyn. Are you okay?”

She pulled herself back on the carpet, slowly, and her lips were turned upwards in a small smile when she looked at him. He visibly relaxed, “Did you like that?”

“Fuck, yes, Gwyn,” he half-laughed, and noticed that her mouth was surprisingly clean, “Did it feel good for you?”

“It did,” she said, “Seeing you all worked up does things to me, you know? And you taste pretty good, Shadowsinger.”

He let out a low chuckle as he pulled up his pants again. Her eyes looked lost, somewhere in the wall behind him. And so Azriel caught her chin between his fingers, making her look at him.

“Everything alright?”, he asked softly.

The young priestess gave him a small smile that looked sincere enough. “Yeah, yeah. It’s just… I can’t believe I did that .”

Azriel chuckled again, “And I’m hoping you’ll do it again,” he winked. “If you want to.”

She put a hand over her heart, her voice dramatic as she said, “I’m offended by your lack of faith in my primal desires for you, Shadowsinger.”

He rolled his eyes in amusement as he brought their lips together in a short, sweet kiss. He couldn’t believe she was real.

“What did you want to talk to me about, by the way?”, Gwyn asked him as she rose to her feet.

Right. That . He had come to talk to her about his feelings, about his conversation with Rhysand and Cassian. But now, as he looked at her and saw how her teal eyes shone under the firelight, he couldn’t find the words. He didn’t want to ruin a moment like this, not when she was so happy and proud of herself.

The inevitable talk could wait.

“It was nothing,” he lied. When he stood up from the couch, he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. “Wanna sleep together tonight?”

Gwyn smiled up at him, the butterflies inside her stomach flying everywhere at the thought of dozing off between his arms again. Feeling so loved, so safe.

She winked, “Your bed or mine?”

Chapter 10 Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Azriel breathed in, then breathed out. And again.

He rolled back his shoulders, relaxing his wings. Their morning session was about to finish and he knew it had to be now or never. Cassian shouted a few last instructions and encouraged the priestesses to keep going until the very end. Five minutes later, he clapped his hands loudly to signal that the training was over.

Emerie plopped herself down dramatically to the ground with a breathy chuckle, “What did you do to your mate, girl?”, she asked Nesta. “I can’t remember a rougher session than today’s.”

Her sister smirked, “I’ll take care of that later.”

“You’d better.”

Azriel caught a glimpse of a smile in Gwyn’s lips, making his stomach drop. He needed to do this. He had to. And perhaps it’d cost him everything, perhaps he was being a selfish dumb fuck, but he was done catering to the wishes of a goddamn magical tin.

He wanted to be with Gwyn. He chose to be with her, Cauldron-blessed or not.

He didn’t give a fuck, not anymore, if the mating bond hadn’t snapped for him. Because there was something in his chest, something that had been buried deep down and that was now slowly coming back to the surface, that made his heart sting and heal at the same time.

Almost a week had passed since his conversation —or confrontation— with his brothers, since she made him see the stars in the private library, between his legs with his cock in her mouth. A week to debate whether he wanted to relive the Elain situation all over again.

There was still a possibility that Gwyn had a mate she hadn’t met yet. Same for him, actually. But what if they didn’t?

Despite his brothers’ luck, mates were rare. He was just blinded by the idea of having one, he wanted a mate so badly he had convinced himself that that was the only possible option for him. He had been willing to let the Cauldron dictate who the one for him should be.

He was tired. Angry, too, but mostly exhausted.

And most of all, he was done waiting for any confirmation, for any magical snap to happen between them. Azriel wanted to be with Gwyn. He had no doubts about it in his mind, in his heart.

He wanted to see that beautiful smile everyday, make her laugh with his shadows, train with her, read with her, explore the city with her, fly around with her clinged to his chest and take her to see the ocean, dance with her at awkward social gatherings, sing with her when they were alone, make her feel cherished.

Because he loved her.

His shadows twirled around him in response to the realisation, singing louder than they had ever done before. Azriel didn’t bother to quiet them down.

He loved Gwyn like he had never loved anyone before, with a burning desire to be with her the rest of his immortal life. His heart ached with bliss at the thought of sharing the rest of his days with her, seeing the world, trying new things, being able to hold her close without an excuse. Even the mere thought of sitting next to her in complete silence while doing nothing made his soul feel lighter somehow.

There was no point in denying it anymore.

He was deeply and utterly in love with her, and he wasn’t going to wait for the green light of a damn Cauldron to live the life he’d always dream of.

And so Azriel waited until the ring was almost empty, except for the three Valkyries and Cassian, and sent his shadows towards Gwyn. The priestess noticed the familiar presence around her immediately. She smiled fondly at the shadows as her three friends exchanged knowing looks between them.

“So, Gwyn,” Cassian started, a hint of a playful smile in his voice. “What does it feel like to be the cool parent?”

Nesta smacked his arm.

“Huh?”, Gwyn’s attention was fully focused on a tiny shadow twirling around her wrist.

Nesta shook her head, “Don’t listen to him.”

“Azriel is definitely the disciplinary dad,” the General continued, ignoring his mate. “So that makes you the cool mom.”

Gwyn’s cheeks flushed at the implication of his words, but she kept her attention on the shadows. “Um, I guess.”

A few of them wrapped around Cassian’s neck then, a silent warning, and the man smirked back at his brother, “Took you long enough to send your misty children to pester me.”

Azriel smirked back, “Aren’t you the world’s greatest uncle or some made up shit like that?”

Cassian erupted in laughter while Gwyn had never wanted the ground to swallow her as badly as right now. Azriel seemed to not care about Cassian’s comments either, which only made her heart beat faster.

What the hell was happening to her? The thought of Azriel’s shadows treating her as their mom shouldn’t be making her this damn lightheaded, she thought.

“I think Nyx would agree that I’m indeed the world’s greatest uncle,” Cassian patted his brother on the back as a way of saying goodbye. “See you later, Az.”

Azriel smirked back at him before turning his full attention to Gwyn. The second Nesta noticed what they were interrupting, she grabbed Emerie’s arm and excused themselves with a knowing grin.

And just like that, they were alone in the training ring.

“Shadowsinger,” once the internal commotion had passed, Gwyn couldn’t help the grin that grew on her lips. “Did you see how I nailed our new trick with the blade?”

Her proud smile made his heart swoon, “It was good enough,” he teased her. “You might want to work a bit more on your abdomen area for a steadier balance, though.”

“Of course,” Gwyn rolled her eyes playfully. “Nothing is ever good enough for the flawless Spymaster.”

“You are.”

She felt the heat spread from her cheeks to her toes, her head getting a little dizzy. She still wasn’t used to Azriel’s softer side that he only seemed to let her see.

“So,” she started, having regained control of her own emotions. “Are you here to flirt with me, Shadowsinger? Or do you want anything?”

Azriel smirked at her playfulness. Seeing Gwyn like this was definitely a good sign, and it made him unbelievably proud. She was getting better. She was out of the library more, she spoke to people she didn’t know, she was motivated to level up on her training, she was determined to try new things. With him.

It filled his chest with an unspeakable amount of love. Because if Gwyn, after all the nightmares she had been through, was able to push it all away, grow despite all the daily challenges, move past her daunting thoughts and thrive… Maybe there was a chance for him to get better, too.

“Actually, there is something I want,” he tried not to get any more nervous when her teal eyes sparkled with joy and curiosity. He failed, “I’d love to take you out to dinner in Velaris. If… if you’d like to.”

Gwyn could swear her heart stopped working right then and there. Had Azriel just asked her out on a date? Her palms started sweating, her mind racing. She didn’t know how dates worked. She had read a few things in her books she’d probably need to go over to remember, but other than that…

However, if there was something clear in her mind, it was her answer.

“I’d love to, Az,” she beamed up at him. “Where are we going?”

“It’s a surprise,” he teased her. “But I promise it won’t be too crowded. Shall I pick you up after your shift at the library?”

Gwyn nodded, unable to say anything else. Her throat was dry with all kinds of emotions.

“Alright,” Azriel pressed his lips to her forehead softly as a way of saying goodbye, his shadows twirling around her hair as he did so.

And when he left the ring, she stood there for a little while longer, completely frozen.

She had a date. A date with Azriel, and her heart was about to explode into a million pieces.

She needed her sisters. Urgently.

Rhysand winnowed Emerie to the House of Wind later that day without any further questions. When the Illyrian woman saw Nesta and Gwyn in the living room, the first one sitting down with her forehead frowned and the latter pacing around the room nervously, she immediately knew something was up.

“Well?”, Nesta was the first one to break the silence. “Emerie is here now. Hi, Em.”

“Hello,” she said carefully as she took a seat next to her sister. She looked carefully at the priestess, “Everything okay, Gwyn?”

“No,” she spat out, immediately, as she chewed on her fingernail.

“Stop pacing,” Nesta’s frown only got worse.

“Can’t.”

“ Gwyn .”

Emerie sat on the edge of the couch, growing more anxious by the second, “Gwyn, what the hell is wrong with you?”, she didn’t want to be harsh with her, but she was driving both of them insane. “Did something bad happen?”

When Gwyn shook her head, they only got more confused, “It’s not bad.”

“Then why are you acting like it’s the end of the world?”, Nesta inquired.

“It’s about Azriel, isn’t it?”, Emerie had noticed it right away. Nothing else could ever make her sister this nervous.

And when she nodded in confirmation, Nesta peered in, “What about him?”

Gwyn knew there was no reason to get this distraught over a date , but she couldn’t help herself. She didn’t know how they worked, what she was supposed to do, what was expected of her. She needed her sisters’ help badly, so badly.

So she held her breath, and said, “Azriel asked me out on a date.”

Emerie squealed. Nesta smiled from ear to ear. But the priestess’ face was still pale with fear for the unknown.

“That’s so sweet, Gwyn!”, the Illyrian exclaimed. “Oh Mother, that’s so sweet. Where are you guys going?”

“He didn’t say,” Gwyn kept pacing and chewing on her fingernail. “He said he’d take me out to dinner in Velaris. Somewhere quiet.”

Emerie squealed again. It almost made her laugh. Maybe if she hadn’t been so nervous.

“That’s huge, Gwyn,” Nesta was beaming too, but she held herself together. “What are you worried about, then?”

“I don’t know what dates are like,” she shook her head in dismay. “How am I supposed to act? What am I supposed to say? What—”

“Okay, alright,” Nesta interrupted her. “Baby steps, yeah?”, when Gwyn nodded, she continued. “Alright, first of all, you don’t have to act any differently on dates. Just be yourself.”

“It’s like hanging out with him,” Emerie added. “Like you normally do, but in public.”

“In public,” Gwyn repeated. She could do that… could she?

She imagined herself holding Azriel’s hand as they strolled down the city, surrounded by people who’d be looking at them, wondering why a priestess was walking around with an Illyrian warrior, with the High Lord’s Spymaster no less. Her stomach twisted.

“Yes, in public. That’s not a big deal,” Nesta said carefully. “The only thing you’ll have to take care of is your appearance.”

Gwyn frowned, “What’s wrong with my appearance?”

“Absolutely nothing,” Nesta was quick to respond. She arched a playful eyebrow. “But you’re not planning on going on a romantic date with Azriel wearing your training leathers, are you?”

Romantic date .

“Maybe he’d like it,” Emerie shrugged.

Nesta rolled her eyes, “Absolutely not. Come on, let’s find you a cute outfit.”

The young priestess didn’t have enough time to react, as her sisters started pushing her down the hall and into her bedroom. Nesta and Emerie scanned her wardrobe carefully, pointing at various dresses they had gifted her themselves not too long ago, until they finally agreed on one.

“Try it on,” Emerie encouraged her with a small smile.

When Gwyn saw the garment they had picked out, she was almost ashamed to admit that she didn’t recognise it.

It was a long, semi-tight dress that went down to her ankles. Long sleeves, soft fabric, it was of a deep forest green that almost seemed black. Delicate threads of gold ran through the corset area, forming charming patterns that didn’t resemble anything in particular. The mere sight of that dress took her breath away.

When she tried it on, Nesta gasped and Emerie opened her eyes widely in astonishment. She blushed at their reactions until she met her reflection in the mirror.

She couldn’t go out like this.

“It’s too much,” she whispered as her eyes scanned the tightness of the corset, how it accentuated her hips and how much of her collarbone it showed.

“You look like a queen,” Emerie breathed out, completely mesmerised by the sight of her.

But Nesta walked up to her, and put a comforting hand on her arm, “Why do you say that, Gwyn?”

She gestured to her chest, “Too much,” she repeated. Even though the dress had absolutely no cleavage, it held onto her breasts too firmly, and it made them look bigger somehow.

She wouldn’t be able to stand everyone’s judgmental stares. The men in Velaris would look at her, look at her chest, and even if Azriel was by her side, she just couldn’t bear it. She couldn’t be seen as a piece of meat. Not again.

“I’m sorry,” she swallowed, trying to keep her emotions at bay. “It’s beautiful but… I can’t. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Nesta said calmly. “We’ll find you another one. Right, Em?”

The Illyrian nodded vigorously, “Absolutely.”

Their next option was a bit shorter, just above her knees, but it was also a lot more loose, so she felt more comfortable in it. It was long-sleeved too, but the fabric was of a different color: blue, deep like the ocean.

“It matches our friendship bracelet,” Nesta pointed out with a smirk. “And the color of Azriel’s syphons, too.”

Something clicked in Gwyn’s mind, “Is that why you chose blue for me? Because of his syphons?”

Emerie gave her an equally amused smirk, “Perhaps.”

Gwyn rolled her eyes at her sisters, amused yet shocked that they had somehow foreshadowed all of this. She looked back at her reflection, and felt more in her skin.

She would’ve loved to wear the other dress, the green one that made her look like a queen, but she knew she wasn’t ready yet. She wasn’t ready to present herself in public like that, and it was fine.

Baby steps.

Nesta somehow convinced Gwyn to ask Clotho for the evening off. She insisted that they’d need time to do her hair and make up, and getting ready in a rush would only make her feel more nervous. Gwyn wasn’t sure about it, but Clotho shrugged it off and told her —wrote— to have fun on her day off.

And so they spent the next three hours trying out new hairstyles, adjusting her dress a little, and convincing Gwyn that everything would be alright.

“He’s going to die when he sees you, Gwyn,” Emerie assured her with a proud grin once she was done with her hair.

And when she looked at herself in the mirror of her bathroom vanity, she kind of understood why.

The Illyrian had done her hair in a loose updo, with a few strands of copper hair cascading down the sides of her face. Nesta had added one of her own hair clips at the back, one made of bright white pearls, and assured her she looked breathtaking from every angle.

Nesta had worked on her makeup too. It was very faint, as Gwyn didn’t like the feeling of products in her face, but it certainly made her complexion stand out. Rosy cheeks, glossy lips, and a hint of pink on her eyes that made her teal eyes pop out. She looked… good.

She looked so good.

“All done,” Emerie gave her a thumbs up before the clock struck the usual time she left the library at. “Azriel will be here anytime, so we’d better leave.”

Nesta nodded next to her, and planted a small kiss on top of her neatly done hair. “Relax and have fun, Gwyn,” she smiled. “We can’t wait to hear all about it in the morning.”

“Have fun, Gwynnie,” Emerie gave her another kiss in the same spot. “Azriel loves you so very much. I’m sure you’ll have an incredible time.”

Azriel loves you so very much .

Before she could ask her sister what she meant by that, they were already out in the hallway.

He lingered at her door for longer than he had intended.

Pacing back and forth in the long hallway, Azriel tried not to get too inside his head. They were going to be fine.

The plan was fairly simple—he’d tell Gwyn how he felt about her, that he was willing to give them a chance if she wanted to. That he chose to be with her, despite everything. But he didn’t know whether he should bring up the mating bond, and it was making his head ache.

It hadn’t snapped for him. And he had to be real with himself—if it hadn’t happened yet, it probably meant that it wasn’t going to.

He tried to convince his heart that it wasn’t a big deal.

So what if Gwyn and him weren’t mates? Mates weren’t that common, anyway. His brothers had been lucky, yes, but he understood now that maybe the Cauldron had other plans for him. Ones that didn’t include a mate, as if it were a punishment for being so selfish with Elain. He deserved it.

And it was fine.

Only that perhaps it wasn’t.

He believed that he was probably not going to have a mate if the bond hadn’t snapped by this point, but Gwyn… She wasn’t even thirty years old, she had her whole immortal life ahead of her.

She had to have a mate. Surely.

And it was clear as day that it wasn’t him.

Azriel didn’t want to take that away from her, he couldn’t . He had been on the verge of taking Elain away from her true mate, Lucien, just because he felt entitled to being with her.

He cringed.

And even though that whole thing had been a big, ugly mistake, he was about to do the same to Gwyn, taking her away from her potential true mate and…

“Az,” he didn’t even hear the door opening behind him.

And when he turned around and saw the radiant goddess before him, he almost dropped down to his knees.

For a second, he wasn’t sure he was breathing. His shadows couldn’t move, either, and stopped curling around his back completely. Time stopped still in that hallway, as he took in her striking beauty.

“Azriel?”

He couldn’t speak, either. His body had never reacted like this, not to a woman, not to anybody. Ever. And yet there he was.

“You look…,” he started. Swallowing, he forced himself to blink once. “Gwyn. You look…”

The priestess chuckled at his loss for words. “Shall I take that as a compliment, Shadowsinger?”

He blinked again. “Absolutely.”

Her laugh filled his ears, and that was without a doubt the most beautiful sound he had ever heard. It brought him back to life, his shadows hurrying to meet her. They twirled around her dress, blue like his syphons, almost an exact match, and he almost passed out because of it.

Tonight was going to be more difficult than he had anticipated.

He winnowed them down to a quiet street in Velaris, aware that the flight would be quite uncomfortable for an outfit like the one she was wearing. Next to her mesmerising beauty, he almost looked like a fool, dressed all in black. Whatever. Tonight was all about her.

Gwyn held Azriel’s hand the moment they started strolling down the somewhat busy streets of the city. Velaris was wrapped in the strength of day and the softness of night, a perfect evening. The city came alive with music and light, with distant chatter and laughter, with children running up and down the side of the roads.

She looked around in awe, taking everything in from the safety of being next to Azriel.

Velaris was truly alive with lights that echoed the sky’s stars. The city had a heart, a rhythm, a song that she wanted to sing forever. From the trees in the avenues to the open shops full of smiling customers, the city was alive. Their city.

And while her eyes beamed with the excitement of someone who was ready to explore, Azriel looked at Gwyn as if she held all the beauty in the world. She was the sunshine, the rainfall, the good earth.

But she wasn’t just beautiful, no—she was fierce, and brave, and she made the space around her as special as she was. She affected everything she laid her eyes on, and brought their beauty out of them. And she did it with ease. It is who she was. She was the night sky that made all the stars shine, that made him shine.

By the time they reached the restaurant, his heart was in shambles.

“Did you enjoy our little stroll around Velaris?”, he asked with a small smile as they sat down in one of the booths at the back of the restaurant. Little fae lights sparkled above their heads, making her big eyes shine even more.

“It was breathtaking,” she said as she scanned the restaurant, too. Then, with a satisfied smile, her stare lingered on him. “Thank you for inviting me out tonight.”

He extended his scarred hand across the wooden table. She intertwined their fingers together immediately, and squeezed lightly.

“So,” he forced himself to snap out of it. He needed to relax before the inevitable would come. “What food would you like to try out tonight, Berdara?”

They ended up eating more than they probably should have.

But Gwyn was too excited about the different kinds of new foods and flavours, a million things she hadn’t even heard about before, and he wasn’t going to say no. How was he supposed to say no to those eyes?

Conversation between them flowed easily, too. They joked around, teased each other, shared happy stories and fond memories. They didn’t speak about the bad or the ugly, no. Now it was the time to get to know each other in a new light. Azriel talked about his mom and Gwyn talked about her sister, both with nothing but love and care in their voices. No bad memories tonight. Only the good, only the hopeful.

Gwyn told him how she’d love to see the ocean one day, given that she was part nymph, and that she hadn’t seen the water in years. She missed it a lot. Azriel promised to take her as soon as she felt ready. The sudden image of her touching the cold waters of the Sidra, that huge smile on her face as she’d showed him her soaked hand proudly, flooded his mind.

He’d do anything, absolutely anything, to make sure she felt just as whole as she had in that moment. For the rest of her life.

Before they even realised what time it was, one of the restaurant workers smiled apologetically at them and told them that they were about to close for the night. Four hours. They had been sitting and eating and laughing and talking for four hours. And somehow it had felt like one, two at most.

So they found themselves in the now quieter streets of Velaris, and Gwyn took the time to observe the lights around them, the sky above. Just when she thought this place couldn’t get any more stunning.

Azriel, on the other hand, couldn’t feel his own body, besides the hand she was carefully holding in hers.

He had never been this fucking nervous. He was about to make the best or the worst decision of his immortal life, he didn’t yet know. And he knew Gwyn could sense his tension, which only made things worse.

“Are you sure you’re alright, Shadowsinger?”, it wasn’t the first time she had asked him this during the night. More like the third, probably fourth.

Gwyn knew something was up. He didn’t want to upset her, make her feel bad or self-conscious, but he didn’t want to lie to her either. So there he was, wishing time could stop only for a few moments so he could get his shit together.

“Everything’s okay,” he lied, and automatically wanted to punch himself for it. They needed to talk about this.

But instead he gently brought her freckled hand to his lips, and kissed her softly. The contact sent a shiver down her spine.

“Az,” Gwyn’s voice was barely a whisper among the distant sounds of the Velaris night. He noticed they had stopped near one of the bridges, on an empty riverside street.

“Yes?”

He watched her swallow nervously, “I need to tell you something.”

His head started to spin until all he could feel was an overwhelming dizziness. Azriel squeezed her hand just to feel something other than utter panic.

“What is it, Gwyn?”, he definitely sounded way calmer than he truly felt inside.

Slowly, she lifted her chin to look at him. Sad, confused eyes collapsed with his own. And when her next words left her lips, she completely destroyed him.

“I think we are mates,” a pause. “But I also think it is a mistake.”

Notes:

I promise I’m not an evil writer

Chapter 11 Notes:

Ah, yes. Angst.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Azriel wasn’t breathing.

I think we are mates. But I also think it’s a mistake.

And by the way she was barely holding herself together, he guessed she wasn’t breathing either.

Two sentences. That’s all it took to break his heart.

He forced himself to calm down before he spoke again, “Let’s... let's take it slow, Gwyn,” he noticed that their fingers were still laced together. “Why do you think we are mates?”

The young priestess hesitated, but within seconds nervous words were pouring out from her trembling lips, “I don’t know how to explain it,” she lowered her gaze. “I got that feeling one day, and I couldn’t shake it off. I knew it was stupid, delusional of me to think you could ever be my mate, but I couldn’t get it out of my head.”

Gwyn tried not to cry. Mother, she really tried, but it proved to be nearly impossible as she finally confessed everything that had lingered in her heart for far too long now.

She continued, “When I went to the River House to talk to Rhysand, I told him that I thought you were my mate,” Azriel’s heart stopped. So that’s why his brother had refused to tell him a thing. “And he said he thought so, too. And then Helion told Rhys and I that you were my mate, and—”

“Wait, what?”, he frowned.

If he’d had his syphons with him, they would’ve flared immediately. The sole memory of that night, how Helion had held Gwyn while he danced with her, whispered nonsense into her ear...

“When Rhysand came to dance with me at the ball,” she explained slowly, interrupting his thoughts, “Helion hinted that he knew why Rhys had come to the rescue, which was to protect his brother from the delirium of his own mating bond. That’s what he said.”

That motherfucker. He had known straight away. He had enjoyed flirting with his mate—

His heart jumped.

He had just referred to Gwyn as ‘his mate’.

And it didn’t sound in the slightest way foreign.

But he pushed that thought away immediately, because it hurt too much.

“Why do you think that…,” he almost couldn’t bring himself to say it. “Our mating bond is a mistake?”

Gwyn didn’t answer the question, and instead hit him with another one, “What happens if I reject it?”

Azriel swallowed. “Well, it depends. It hasn’t snapped for me, I don’t think.”

Gwyn’s stomach sank, but she ignored it. “Does that make a difference?”

“A huge one, in fact,” Azriel explained. “I don’t think the bond has snapped for you, either. I don’t know if it can fully snap for one person and not for the other. But, anyway, given that it hasn’t snapped for me at least, you rejecting it wouldn’t have any… disastrous consequences.”

“Disastrous?”, she inquired with furrowed eyebrows.

“If the bond snaps and the female rejects it, the male goes insane.”

Gwyn’s blood went cold. But Azriel wasn’t done, “Mates become possessive, primal and highly sexual. They could rip to shreds anyone who even dares to look at their mate, let alone court them.”

She… she didn’t know that. She had seen Azriel go unexplainably feral over her interacting with other males, even Rhysand for crying out loud. She had seen his shadows darken, his syphons flare as a warning. And while she wasn’t scared of him, she was scared of the danger he could become for himself.

“That’s… a bit much,” she shook her head.

Azriel nodded. He had seen the effects of the mating bond in both of his brothers, and it wasn’t pretty. But there were more important things on his mind now than that.

“You didn’t answer my question,” he said flatly, not even sure if he wanted to hear the answer. “Why do you think it’s a mistake, Gwyn?”

The hurt in his voice broke her into a million pieces. But she needed to tell him, be honest with him once and for all. He deserved to know.

So she swallowed hard, and tried to stop her voice from shaking. “I… I don’t think I’m the right choice,” she couldn’t meet his stare. “And I don’t think I’ll ever be. Az, you…,” the first tear rolled down her cheek. “You deserve a good mate. Someone who can give you all you want. Someone who isn’t a burden, who won’t make you wait any longer.”

Her words were a punch in the gut.

“Gwyneth,” his voice was firm, definitely a lot more than his heart was. “You aren’t a mistake and you’re not a burden, never. You are… Shit, Gwyn, he swallowed hard. “I care about you. I’ve always had, but now I see it more clearly than ever. I want you in my life, Gwyn. As more than this.”

More than this .

She swallowed back the tears, “I care about you too, Azriel. And I want you in my life.”

His heart should’ve sang, but instead it dropped to his feet.

Gwyn saw it in his face. And although she was afraid to ask, she knew she had to do it anyway. Now that she felt strong enough to.

“There’s something holding you back,” she had noticed right away. “What is it?”

Because there was no reason Azriel shouldn’t be kissing her right now, flying her up to the House of Wind, praising her again with his mouth. Maybe with other parts of his body, too. But instead he was frozen, unsure, and she had no clue why.

Azriel hesitated. This was what he had wanted to talk to her about since the beginning. This was the reason he was holding himself back, like she’d said. It all came to this and the dark feeling inside his chest.

But she had extended this bridge of trust and honesty between them, and he was going to cross it.

“You might have another mate,” he stated, simply.

Gwyn frowned, “And so might you.”

He shook his head, “I’m afraid it’s too late for me,” he swallowed. “But you have your whole immortal life ahead of you, Gwyn. And I won’t… I can’t take that away from you. I won’t be selfish again.”

The priestess could see it in his eyes, the sorrow, the regret, the fear of falling down that rabbit hole again. But she couldn’t. She couldn’t see him this.

“Azriel,” she started, voice calmer than she was feeling inside. “What happens if we are mates and I accept the bond?”

She had never paid any mind to the whole mating thing. It wasn’t like she believed that much in it until she saw it with her own eyes, with Nesta and Cassian. And then it sparkled some kind of curiosity in her, but not enough to conduct intense research on it. She regretted it now.

When Azriel wasn’t talking, she frowned, “Az?”

“Sex.”

Her heart stopped.

“A lot of it. More than you can imagine. It goes for days, even weeks. And it’s not gentle.”

Her throat went dry, and she was unable to peel her eyes off him. Had she heard right?

Azriel continued, “The male is so possessive of his mate it becomes borderline dangerous,” he said. “The connection grows stronger and unbreakable.”

Gwyn swallowed, “I can handle that.”

“You can’t,” his voice was sharp, and so were his eyes on her. “You can’t, Gwyn. Especially not… not the sex.”

“But I trust you.”

“You don’t understand,” he shook his head. “I’d lose my mind at the mere sight of you. I won’t be able to control myself, definitely not for days straight. The sex isn’t gentle, Gwyn. And it goes on for hours. For weeks .”

Alright, maybe she couldn’t handle that .

She swallowed, “Are there no exceptions?”

Azriel shook his head no.

“Well,” she blinked. “That’s… that’s not something we should worry about, right? We aren’t mates.”

He held his breath, “Right.”

And it pained him, it shattered his soul to acknowledge that, despite his feelings, now clearly mutual, the bond hadn’t snapped yet. Which meant that it was probably not going to.

He tried to convince himself that he was fine.

But Gwyn wasn’t, and she didn’t want to hide it behind a smile anymore. Their mating bond couldn’t be a mistake. Well, the fact that she could be his mate was perhaps a mistake, but the bond was there. It had to be.

Rhysand thought they were mates, and so did Helion.

Two High Lords couldn’t be wrong about such a thing. Could they?

She didn’t have time to speak again, to try and make things right between them. Because when Azriel squeezed her hands in his, and when spoke to her, she collapsed.

“I don’t care if you’re my mate or not, Gwyn,” she drowned in the depth of his eyes. “Because I want to be with you. I choose to be with you.”

“You’ve always wanted a mate,” the young priestess’ voice was barely a whisper. “What changed?”

“You, Gwyn.”

Velaris seemed to have fallen completely silent around them.

“You came along, and being with you, spending time with you, getting to know you made me realise that I’ve been blind all this time,” Azriel had never poured out his heart like this. But one look at her sincere eyes and he was at her mercy. “I don’t want a mating bond, Gwyn. I want you .”

Gwyn got lost in the familiar darkness of his eyes, unable to find her way out. So she shook her head, as that was the only thing she could do, and fought back the tears that had been threatening to spill since the beginning of the conversation.

Azriel swallowed, “But what matters is what you want, Gwyn.”

What she wanted. What did she really want?

She looked up at him, her stare a silent plea. Her heart was racing so fast she thought it would stop abruptly.

Suddenly, his hesitant hand travelled to the side of her face, stroking her pale cheek so softly she barely felt it. She leaned in into his touch, desperate for his warmth. Looking right into the depth of his eyes, she understood. They wanted the same thing—but they were also holding back for the same reasons.

“Our… our mating bond,” she started again, voice so hoarse it hurt her throat to speak. “It hasn’t snapped, has it?”

His heart sank as he shook his head.

“Gwyn, I…,” his thumb dried out a tear falling down her cheek. “If it hasn’t snapped yet, I don’t think…”

“Why should it matter?”, she asked suddenly. “Azriel, you… You make me happy. You make me feel safe, and strong, and you make me want to heal, be myself again. Become a better version of myself.”

His shadows wrapped around both of them, shielding their bodies from the sudden night breeze, but Azriel didn’t even notice. Her words were drowning him in a feeling he yet didn’t know.

“And maybe that’s why I thought you could be my mate, because you’re my best friend, Az. And I…,” she swallowed as another tear rolled down her cheek. He immediately wiped it off. “I want to be with you, too.”

She looked up at him, unable to read his expression. Her cold fingers slowly caressed the skin on his cheek, and he closed his eyes and leaned on her touch. He had never felt anything like this before, so calming. It almost managed to take his guilt away.

“I can’t be selfish again,” his whisper was rough, almost as if it physically hurt him to get the words out. “I’m sorry.”

Her fingers still caressed his cheek, assuring him that he wasn’t alone. She wasn’t going anywhere. His face was hot under her touch, and he looked tired. Gwyn noticed the bags under his eyes, the darkness of his shadows, the defeat in his feature. It was the image of a broken man, and she knew that a broken woman like her would never be able to heal him.

But she was going to try.

“Then let’s be selfish together, Az.”

He swallowed, “Gwyn…”

But she shook her head, unable to keep this up any longer. “I don’t care, Azriel. I don’t care if I have another mate, if you do. I don’t care what a Cauldron has decided for you and I. I only care about what we want for ourselves. And I want you, Azriel. With all my beating heart.”

He hesitated. His mind was at ease now, at least more than it was before, and it was because of her. When he looked at her, he didn’t see just Gwyn. He didn’t see a priestess, not even a Valkyrie.

He saw a strong, compassionate woman. A woman who was still bearing with the pain someone wrongfully caused her, and now she was the one suffering the consequences. A woman with the power of healing his heart, but not her own.

A lost soul. Just like he was.

Two souls that wanted to be together, for all eternity.

Her fingers were still on his cheek, so delicate he wanted to fall asleep to her touch. His arms were around her now, warm like fire. He could stay in this moment forever. Her cold nose found his, brushing it lightly, and suddenly it was too late to go back. Not like he wanted to, anyway.

Her lips against his tasted different that night. They weren’t hungry, nor in a hurry. Her lips feel defeated, tired, and he knew he had to take care of her. So he did.

Azriel allowed his shadows to take them up to the House of Wind. When they reached his bedroom, their bodies were still holding each other, their kiss never broken.

Without saying a word, Gwyn grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. She wasn’t rough, desperate about it, but rather deliberate and careful, as if trying not to break the spell of the room. She guided him down on the bed, so that he was hovering over her small form.

As he cautiously held himself up over her, unaware of what her plans for him were, she moved her hair away from the right side of her neck and closed her eyes. Azriel understood where she wanted him, somewhere he had been longing to explore the whole damn day. His insides craved her touch. As soon as his lips touched her neck, they lost all rational thoughts.

Azriel was consumed at the thought of her, and only her, and making her feel like she could see the stars.

She was all his, and fuck . He was all hers, too.

He grabbed her by the waist, pulling her up close against his chest. His hand gently glided through her hair, loosening it from her updo, and as her copper locks cascaded down her shoulders, he looked at her in a way he had never looked at a woman before.

Gwyn’s eyes were candles in the dark, their light a spark of passion. Foreheads pressed together, the closeness between them in that moment felt like something more. It felt like pure, raw intimacy, and he couldn’t stop himself from voicing the rawest desires of his soul out loud.

“I want to make love to you.”

Gwyn looked up at him, eyes both fond and anxious, and she nodded slowly. She helped him take off his shirt, muscles tense under her delicate touch, and Azriel almost felt self-conscious when he felt her eyes on him. No one had ever looked at him like that, no one had ever taken their time with his body, with him. And it felt so good.

He took off his pants next, until they both remained in their underwear. The only pieces of clothing separating them from heavenly pleasure.

Her breasts were exposed to him for the first time, and she found herself not caring at all. Azriel’s eyes darkened as he silently moved up towards her, pressing his covered length against her core, showing her how ready he was. Gwyn bit down on her lip, eyes never leaving his.

And then his lips attached to her breasts, and she whined at the sensation of his mouth wrapped around her nipple. So foreign, but so damn good. He sucked and twisted as if he’d done it a million times before, and it was a good kind of hurt.

The rest of his world became an unimportant blur that was banished into the far recesses of his mind. The only thing that mattered was touching her, kissing her lips, her stomach, her breasts, making her melt under him.

“Azriel…,” his name coming from her lips sounded almost forbidden.

“Yes, love?”, he planted a soft kiss against her stomach before looking up at her.

She shivered at the contact. “Is it going to hurt?”

She remembered her conversation with Emerie and Nesta, how they’d told her that the first time would hurt a lot. And she had already felt how big he was, had had his thickness on her mouth.

Azriel’s heart jumped. He held himself up until he was at level with her face again, and slowly pressed his lips against hers. “I promise I’ll be gentle, alright?”, Gwyn nodded under him. “We’ll follow your pace.”

She nodded again, and then he kissed her worries away.

His touch was different to everything she’d ever felt before. There was something so familiar about it, something that made her feel secure. It was his hands, she was pretty sure — so warm, so big they almost covered the entirety of her arched back, and always so gentle with her, rough when she wanted them to be.

One of his hands left the comfort of her hips and held hers instead. He pressed his palm against her own, and suddenly Gwyn couldn't look away. His hand completely covered her own, and noticed that his palm was much wider up close. She sensed a kind of intimacy between them that almost felt overwhelming.

His scars were displayed for her to see, the most vulnerable part of him. And she didn’t hesitate as she turned her head and kissed his hand. The hand that saved her. The hand that protected her.

“You’re beautiful, Az,” no one had ever called him beautiful, definitely not while kissing his scarred hands. Suddenly, they didn’t look so disgusting anymore.

He captured her lips between his own in response, his hand still holding hers tightly. His other hand travelled to the sensitive skin under her stomach, testing the waters. The contact sent bolts running through her skin, and she found herself buckling her hips up, looking for that desperate touch.

“Azriel...,” she begged, and he smirked against her lips in response.

“I got you, baby.”

The nickname made her knees turn into jelly. His fingers started to reach lower, under her soaked underwear and into where she wanted them to be. So long, so thick, she couldn’t handle the anticipation.

Then, it happened.

Azriel’s middle finger parted her slick folds slowly and rubbed her there, until her breathing accelerated and she turned into a complete mess. He knew what she wanted — he could read her body like an open book already.

Once his finger was finally inside her, it felt like she was being torn apart. She’d never had anything like this inside of her, not so long, so thick, giving her so much pleasure. Her core ached at the sudden feeling of being full like this, but it was an overwhelmingly good sensation.

Slowly, he slid his soaked finger out of her, then back in with ease. Gwyn’s eyes were shut, her breathing accelerated.

“Oh my god,” she whimpered as he hit the back of her core, making her arch her back in ecstasy.

Azriel curled his finger inside of her, making her whimper again, “You’re doing so well, love. So tight, so sweet.”

His tongue brushed her cunt as he said that last part, and she moaned. So responsive, he thought, his cock twitching inside his underwear.

His words of encouragement clinged to her heart and made it warmer somehow. She’d never felt this before, this combination of wanting him to give her raw pleasure and make her feel loved all at once. And yet he was doing just that.

He started rubbing circles around her clit then, mouth eager against her most sensitive nerves, sucking and kissing until her eyes rolled to the back of her head.

“You’re so fucking tight, Gwyn,” he groaned against her, “But I think you can take another finger.”

The priestess only moaned in anticipation, and buckled her hips up, desperate. His second finger stretched her even wider, making her scream at the sensation of being so damn full of him.

Azriel kept devouring her, pumping into her, and she surprised herself by not feeling anything other than utter pleasure. No fear or insecurities, only ecstasy. Only them .

But then Azriel took his fingers out of her all of a sudden, and she almost complained until she comprehended what was about to happen. He was careful as he pulled her underwear to the side, fingers teasing at her entrance again. She whined softly at the touch, and then it hit her.

“Az…,” she started, unsure.

“Only if you want us to,” his eyes looked serious.

She looked at him, and nodded, “I trust you,” she swallowed. “I trust us.”

Azriel leaned down to kiss her, slowly, relaxing her, “Focus on our lips, love,” he whispered against her mouth. He felt her nod as they collided again.

He made sure his touch was delicate, even if the only thought in his mind was to tear her open. Gwyn felt the tip first, and it was already too much, too thick. She whimpered a little as he pushed into her. The hand that wasn’t holding hers pinned her hip to the bed, firmly keeping her into place. The possessiveness yet gentleness of his actions were throwing her over the edge, and she didn’t think she’d manage to last long if he kept making her feel like this.

Slowly, he slid his cock deeper into her core. Her body was accommodating him so well, her walls stretching to take him in fully. She was so fucking tight he struggled not to come undone in that very moment.

Azriel grunted once he was finally settled all the way inside of her, and it made her shiver. Hearing such sounds coming from him, from something she was making him feel, was the most incredible thing she had ever experienced. He looked on edge, too — and Azriel always held himself together. Not when it came to her, apparently.

“It feels so good,” she sighed in pleasure, just because she needed him to know how well he was taking care of her.

It took all the self-control he had not to start thrusting into her like a man possessed immediately, but deep inside he wanted to go slow for her. At first. He wanted to make her feel so fucking good she would never fuck anyone else, ever. He wanted it to be him, and only him.

Gwyn rocked her own hips, silently telling him that she was ready for him, and also to feel him inside of her deeper. The sensation was new, and she knew she would never get enough of him. She had never wanted anybody else so desperately. He groaned again as he cautiously rolled his hips into her small, tight cunt, quickly building up a steady pace she seemed to feel comfortable with.

Azriel increased his pace after a while, sinking into her harder this time. He pressed their foreheads together, gazing into her eyes and taking in the beautiful image of her.

Gwyn was biting down on her lip, trying to restrain the sinful sounds that escaped from her throat. But it was pointless. She wanted to scream, wanted to hold on to him and tell him to go faster, rougher, she wanted him to tear her open. It didn’t sting, didn’t hurt.

It felt so fucking good to be full of him.

“I’ve wanted to fuck you for so long,” he groaned between gritted teeth as he pounded into her.

Gwyn only whimpered, his words making her clench tighter around his cock. She wasn’t ashamed to admit that she’d wanted him to fuck her for a while now, too. There was something about his dominant side that drove her insane. Her walls closed around him, and he knew she was close. Azriel kissed her lips softly.

“Let go for me, sweetheart, let me feel you come all over my cock.”

She moaned again, her entire body tensing as his words pushed her over the edge. Azriel didn’t last very long after that, thrusting into her faster and harder as her walls tightened around him, making him feel nothing but pure, raw bliss. He shut his eyes as he filled her, his seed dripping down her core and to the sheets beneath them, marking her in yet another way.

After a few seconds in silence, their bodies still releasing their pleasure, he was struggling to breathe, heart racing. He pulled back to look at her, to really take a look at her. He needed to make sure this was truly real. When he saw how that beautiful smile adorned her face, all his worries went away.

This woman was his, and he was completely hers, at her mercy, wrapped around her finger, and there was no going back now. There was simply no way he could ever be with anyone else, love anyone else.

“You alright?” he asked softly, just to make sure. Gwyn nodded, and he started pulling out of her slowly. She immediately felt empty, longing for him to fill her up again. He was made to fit her.

Azriel pulled her into his arms, her head resting against his chest, listening to his steady heartbeat. He didn’t think he would ever want to let her go, and he was done fighting it. He was done not giving himself what he had long desired.

“Gwyn?”

“Mm…”

He hesitated. There was not much left to say between them, and yet he knew he had to let the words out. He needed her to know.

“This thing between us,” he tightened his grip on her, hugging her closer, “I want it to last forever. Mating bond or not. It’s… it’s our choice. And I want you to know that I’ll fight for us.”

He swallowed. This was it. This was the moment he took his heart out in his hands, and gave it to her. And yet there was nobody else he trusted more to take care of it, of him.

She tilted her head up to look at him, those beautiful teal eyes of hers piercing into his soul. He wanted to look into them forever, every day for the rest of his life.

“I love you, Azriel,” she said softly. “I’ll fight for us, too. Mating bond or not.”

He couldn’t breathe.

“I love you, Gwyn. With all my soul.”

He couldn’t breathe. Not when she said those three words he thought he’d never hear.

Not when she kissed him with such passion it lit up every single part of his dark soul.

Not when a single thread of golden love extended between their hearts, their souls, their bodies, and consumed them forever.

Not when his shadows started to sing around them.

Not when her white light of glowing love wrapped around them and made them sing louder, dance faster.

And he definitely couldn’t breathe when he felt the mating bond snap into place.

Notes:

See how I’m not an evil writer? Smh

Chapter 12 Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

A heavy silence settled between them.

They were lying in bed, completely naked in each other’s arms, neither of them really breathing by that point.

The mating bond had snapped.

But why now? Why after sex , of all times?

Gwyn’s head was pounding to the point where she was starting to feel dizzy. She sat down on the bed, slowly, carefully so as to not pass out. Azriel quickly grabbed his black shirt, the one he had tossed to the floor a few minutes ago, and wrapped it around her small form. It looked like a dress on her, and the sight of her in his clothes made his heart flutter.

But that, sadly, wasn’t where his attention was needed.

Gwyn had been right all along. And Rhysand, and even Helion. He had been the only one blind to this the whole time. The Spymaster of the Night Court, the greatest of all time, hadn’t seen this one coming.

His shadows were still singing and twirling around them, even if more quietly now, but the aura of his bedroom had changed completely. The priestess seemed to be on-edge.

“Gwyn,” he started, his voice barely a whisper in the darkness. “Are you okay?”

“Did you feel it, too?”

Slowly, he nodded. She didn’t answer his question, but he knew better than to push her to.

The bond had snapped. And now what?

Gwyn didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. What was she supposed to do now? Was she supposed to just… accept it? Azriel had warned her barely an hour ago about what would happen if they both accepted the mating bond.

And she was absolutely not ready for weeks of having sex. Not right now. Not when she had just tried it for the first time.

She had absolutely loved it. Her body had never felt so light, so praised, so desperate for his touch, so spent. And she had felt safe, too. Gwyn definitely wanted to do it again… at her own pace. Which wasn’t going to happen once the mating bond was accepted.

However, she couldn’t help the deep sorrow that filled her chest when she thought of Azriel. He had been waiting for this for five hundred years… he deserved someone who was willing to accept it immediately, without hesitation. He was a good man, the best she’ll ever know, and he deserved it.

“I…,” she started, throat dry. “I want to go back to my bedroom.”

Azriel’s heart sank. “Of course, Gwyn.”

She stood up from the bed in a swift movement, her gaze low, unable to look him in the eye. Not right now. Not when it hurt so fucking much.

“Do you want me to walk with you?”, he asked in a low voice, although he was afraid he already knew the answer.

Gwyn shook her head as she let his shirt fall to the ground. He lowered his gaze to his own scarred hands to avoid looking at her naked body. She put her dress back on quickly, then headed for the door.

One hand on the doorknob, she looked back at him, wrapped in his shadows, completely defeated. She swallowed back her tears, and held her breath.

He deserves bette r.

“I’m sorry, Azriel.”

Nesta knew something was wrong.

She sensed it immediately the following morning, before their morning training started.

Azriel was the living image of sorrow.

His shadows were quiet around him, a lot darker than usual. His head was down, and so were his wings. She had never seen him look so openly defeated. Just when she was just about to go up to him to see if everything was alright, Gwyn walked into the ring.

And she was the living image of agony.

So she let out a loud sigh instead, and walked away and towards her mate, who was getting the swords ready for the day.

“Those two,” she lowered her voice so that they wouldn’t eavesdrop. Cassian leaned in to hear her better, “Aren’t okay.”

The General didn’t even need to look back to know who his mate was referring to. He drew out another dagger and placed it carefully on the surface of a wooden table in front of him.

“You’re telling me you can’t smell it?”

Nesta frowned. “Smell what?”

Cassian suppressed a smile as he signaled with his head towards where their friends were standing, awkwardly forcing themselves to stay apart from each other.

“Their mating bond,” Nesta’s throat went dry. “Seriously, Nes? It reeks .”

“I didn’t know one could smell such things,” she confessed.

Her mate shrugged. “I can.”

Nesta looked back at them, discreetly, before asking, “Does that mean they have accepted it?”

“I don’t think so,” Cassian set another blade in front of him. “They wouldn’t be here right now if they had.”

Right. They’d be fucking each other senseless.

“So you think they’ve rejected it?”, she asked again. She truly didn’t understand a thing. It wasn’t like she knew that much about mating bonds anyway.

“I don’t think it’s that, either,” Cassian lowered his voice. “Az would’ve gone batshit. And believe me, you’d know if that were the case.”

Nesta shivered. Seeing Azriel go feral was one of the very last things she wished to ever see. But that left no other option, and her confusion only grew worse.

“What is it, then?”, she inquired, voice nervous. She hated to see her sister like this, especially after everything she’d been through already. “If they haven’t accepted nor rejected it, then…”

“They simply haven’t acknowledged it,” Cassian shrugged.

Nesta lifted her eyebrows in surprise, “They’re ignoring it?”

“Looks like it,” the General placed a soft kiss on top of her head before walking away towards his brother, probably to talk about what lessons they’d go through that morning.

She had to speak to Gwyn. If what Cassian had said was true, then she needed to talk to her about it urgently . Nesta could only imagine how her sister was feeling about all of this, overwhelmed and scared, and she wasn’t going to let it happen.

Rhysand arrived a few moments later, winnowing Emerie to the ring. And Nesta saw it in his face immediately.

The second he set foot on the House of Wind, Rhysand knew .

He shot Gwyn a knowing yet questioning glare, but the priestess only looked down at her feet in response. When he turned to Azriel, he was talking to Cassian. So his eyes travelled to Nesta next, and she instantly knew what was about to happen.

She lowered her mental shields.

What is this mess I’m smelling?

Nesta would’ve laughed if she wasn’t nervous sick for her sister.

Cassian thinks they’re ignoring the mating bond.

Interesting .

Rhysand put his shields back up abruptly when his brothers walked up to him. He eyed Azriel carefully, but said nothing. Nesta focused her attention on Gwyn, who was now talking to Emerie while they started their morning stretches. But her eyes weren't shining. Her smile wasn’t genuine.

So she braced herself for the difficult conversation ahead, and walked towards her sisters.

“Hey,” she started, carefully. “So, Gwyn. How was last night’s date?”

The priestess swallowed. She gave her a smile that didn’t reach her eyes. “It was beautiful,” which wasn’t probably a lie, but Nesta still wasn’t convinced. “We had a lot of fun.”

“Oh, I’m sure you did,” Emerie smirked. “Come on, give us the deets.”

Gwyn swallowed, still avoiding her sisters’ gazes. “We walked around Velaris and we ate a lot of, um, great food.”

“And…?”, Emerie pushed.

“You three!”, Gwyn had never felt so relieved to hear Cassian’s roaring voice. “Come on, chat’s over. Get your asses over here.”

Nesta glared at him, but she knew delaying their training to gossip about Gwyn and Azriel’s date was absolutely not a possibility. So she let out a tired sigh, and focused on the workout ahead. Three hours. In three hours, she’d finally be able to talk with her sister.

Only that Gwyn seemed to know this, too, and she hurried out of the ring the second Cassian announced that training was over. Nesta didn’t hesitate as she trailed behind her, and followed her inside the House of Wind.

“Gwyn!”, she called, just as the priestess was about to head up to her bedroom.

She stopped right on her tracks, knowing that there was no way out of this one. Nesta would keep insisting. When Gwyn turned around to meet her sister’s worried stare, she was barely a few metres away.

“Gwyn,” she repeated. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

The priestess’ lower lip started trembling, and Nesta immediately knew what was going to happen next. She hurried next to her sister and wrapped her arms around her as she cried into her shoulder, silently, her tears soaking her leathers. But she didn’t care. Nesta held her until she stopped whimpering, shaking, until her breathing went almost back to normal.

She knew better than to ask her if she was alright. So she stayed quiet, rubbing her back in a silent way of telling her that she wasn’t going anywhere. She was there for her, always.

Once Gwyn had calmed down enough to collect her thoughts again, she pulled away from their embrace and wiped away the tears with the back of her freckled hands.

“The bond snapped”, she said, straight to the point.

Nesta swallowed. She knew that, but hearing the confirmation directly from her sister made her throat go dry.

She nodded slowly, “Alright. Are you upset about it?”

Gwyn found herself not knowing what to answer. Was she upset that the mating bond had snapped into place between them? No. Was she upset that she was such a coward she couldn’t bring herself to accept it?

“I can’t…,” she started, voice breaking. “Azriel told me what would happen if I accepted it.”

Nesta swallowed. “You don’t have to accept it right away, Gwyn. It doesn’t work like that.”

She sniffled. “He’s been waiting for so long, Nesta,” the priestess felt that suffocating anxiety cling to her chest again. “He deserves someone better. Someone who can give him what he wants.”

I love you, Azriel.

I love you too, Gwyn. With all my soul.

Because even if they had shared that moment of pure, raw love and intimacy, even if they both had confessed their true feelings for each other, there was still an insecurity she couldn’t shake off. Something she didn’t understand.

“The bond,” she continued before Nesta could try to convince her that Azriel would wait for her. She already knew that, and it didn’t make her feel any better, “It snapped after we…”

Nesta held her breath.

“After we made love for the first time.”

“Alright,” she ignored the urge to ask the priestess all about that . It wasn’t the time, she knew it. “Is that what is making you upset?”

Gwyn nodded. Yes, it was. It was making her incredibly upset. Because after all she’d been through, having the mating bond snap after sex wasn’t something she would’ve expected at all. She imagined something more… classy. Sweet. Romantic. A dramatic moment of realisation, not sex.

Being so intimate with Azriel had felt like an out of body experience in the most breathtaking sense. He had worshipped her just like he’d promised to do, he’d taken care of her, made her feel so good she could barely remember how to move afterwards. She didn’t regret it at all. Mother, she already felt a stinging desire between her legs just by thinking about him inside of her again.

“I’m a mess, Nesta,” she shook her head as tears threatened to spill again. “I love Azriel, and I want to be with him. I really do. He makes me feel loved, and safe, he makes me laugh, he’s attentive, and he encourages me to explore the world outside these walls. He’s… he’s all I ever wanted. More than I could’ve imagined for myself.”

“The issue is the mating bond,” it wasn’t a question.

Gwyn swallowed hard, “It’s not really about Azriel being my mate,” those two words together made her stomach tingle. Azriel. Mate . “Although I’m not sure the Cauldron made the right choice. But…”

Nesta shook her head in anticipation. She knew what her sister was about to say.

“I should be able to accept it right away. I should be eager to accept it, not hesitant like this,” she sighed as she lowered her gaze. “I’m not ready for all it comes with, Nesta. The sex, the possessive nature of it.”

“And that’s alright, Gwyn,” she assured her quickly. “But you should talk to Azriel. There’s nothing I can say that would make you feel better.”

She knew that was true. There was only one person she should be having this conversation with, and it wasn’t her sister.

It was her mate.

Azriel. My mate .

“I have to go and talk to him,” the priestess said, decisively.

Just as she was about to walk away, Nesta’s fingers wrapped around her wrist, stopping her right on her tracks. When the priestess looked back at her sister, she noticed that her eyes were glassy.

“I’m proud of you, Gwyn. For everything.”

Finding Azriel was easy enough. He hadn’t left the training ring, now completely deserted except for him and his shadows. They didn’t come to greet her.

Gwyn knew he was aware of her presence, even if his back was turned to her. His ripped muscles flexed as he launched his fists forward, punching one of the training dummies with his bare hands, knuckles turning red.

She allowed herself to watch him in awe, watch the power in his body as he fought, and imagined him thrusting into her with equal force. Raw and deep as he spilled inside of her.

No. Stop .

That reminded her that she hadn’t taken her contraceptive tea. She was starting to freak out about it when Azriel turned his head all of a sudden, dark eyes right on her body, and sweat clinging from his brows. He didn’t say anything, and instead went back to punching the living hell out of the dummy.

Gwyn pushed her newly-found worries to the back of her mind as she approached him slowly. When she got close enough, she couldn’t help but stare right at his hands.

The hands that saved her. The hands that worshipped her, that made her see the stars. The hands that loved her and protected her without hesitation. His scars were beautiful and sacred, just like the rest of him, and she felt a stingy pain in her heart just by thinking about kissing them again. How she couldn’t do it right now.

“Hi,” she started, voice shy. Azriel still wasn’t looking at her, so she continued. “I think we need to have a chat.”

His fist collapsed with the dummy’s stomach, ripping it apart in one loud bang. Gwyn didn’t flinch.

“I think we do,” he was clearly finished with his extra training now. When he turned to face her, all that anger was gone.

She didn’t know how she was going to tackle this, but she knew one thing. And she wanted to let him know before everything came crashing down.

“I love you, Azriel,” she looked him in the eye, emotions running wild through her teal orbs.

His heart swooned as he saw the vulnerability in her. He didn’t hesitate. “I love you too, Gwyn.”

The priestess swallowed, “There’s something bothering me.”

All his attention focused on her, on the concern behind those mesmerising eyes that were no longer shining. It felt like a dagger to his chest to see her like this, so dismayed. And it was all because of him.

“You can talk to me about anything,” he told her, and she knew it was true. She knew he’d never get mad at her. Not because of this.

So she braced herself, and said, “I’m not ready to accept the mating bond.”

Gwyn was about to open her mouth again, but Azriel interrupted her, “Don’t apologise for it.”

She lowered her gaze and closed her eyes, as if it physically hurt her to look at him after this. “I know how badly you want a mate,” she whispered, barely audible.

Azriel took a step closer towards her. “And I already have one. The best mate I could ever ask for.”

Her heart jumped at his words, but she struggled to believe the truth behind them. She knew Azriel would never lie to her, but… But the thought of him deserving better was too hard to push away.

“Do you still think our mating bond is a mistake?”

Gwyn’s throat went dry at his question.

She didn’t doubt his feelings for her, just like she didn’t doubt her love for him. Not for one second. No matter how insecure she felt. That was a kind of raw feeling she couldn’t deny. They deserved each other. She felt it in the deepest depths of herself. She knew that now.

So she shook her head, very slowly. “I think…”, she started, pondering the words in her head. “I think the Cauldron saw two broken souls and decided to pair us together for a reason.”

Azriel felt his own heartbeat pounding in his ears. Gwyn continued, “I think it saw the real you and the real me, the good and the bad, and still wanted us to find each other despite everything.”

His shadows peered at her from his wings, anxious to be let loose. To run towards the silent singing of her voice.

“And although I don’t necessarily believe in the wishes of a magic Cauldron, I do believe in us.”

Azriel didn’t know what to say. His whole being was a mess. She had made him come undone again, but in a completely different sense.

“Gwyn,” he started, voice hoarse. “The mating bond is there for you to accept whenever you’re ready. If you ever are.”

The priestess took a step closer, “I will be.”

“And even if you won’t,” he swallowed. “I want to spend the rest of my immortal life with you, if you’ll have me. Mating bond or not. I love you, Gwyneth. I love you so much it consumes every inch of my soul.”

A single tear rolled down her cheek as he spoke, and suddenly she understood. Everything.

The mating bond hadn’t snapped after they’d had sex. No. That had been just a mere, ironic coincidence of fate.

The bond had snapped after they had confessed their real feelings, torn each other’s hearts open until the I love you’s came pouring out like a plea for happiness.

Azriel had accepted that he wanted to be with Gwyn, mating bond or not. Gwyn had realised that whatever had grown between them, she wanted it to last forever. She couldn’t imagine a day without Azriel. It physically pained her to live without his steady presence by her side, to imagine the rest of her existence without his shadows, his comfort, his laugh, him .

And only when they were willing to love each other unconditionally, despite the Cauldron’s wishes, had the bond snapped into place.

Fate had decided when they would deserve to know, to see each other in that different, yet familiar light.

“I love you, Azriel,” she took one step closer until all it would take was one more. And then she’d be in his arms. “And I will accept the mating bond. Soon. I promise I’ll work on myself. For us.”

Azriel took her hands in his and brought her closer against his chest. He planted a soft kiss on her forehead, lips lingering a bit. Heaven. That’s what she was to him.

“I’d wait a thousand years for you, my love,” he whispered against her skin. “And I’ll walk every step of this journey with you. If you want me to.”

Gwyn closed her eyes and breathed him in. Her mate. Azriel was her mate. And the feeling brought nothing but love to her soul.

When she looked up at him again, and saw their future in his eyes, she smiled. And Azriel could swear it made her glow.

“Come on, Shadowsinger,” his shadows finally wrapped around both of them, singing an ancient song of love and hope. “Take your mate to see the ocean.”

The cliffs were a tower of grey rock rising in salute to the sun, chiselled by time that flowed as easily as the ocean below them. A joy to see in the aroma of the infinite brim, Gwyn thought.

The water had once been her home, she recalled, a home of sacred depths and beauty. It was the soul of this world, the keeper of her heart’s content. It flowed against the mountains and to the depths of the horizon just the same, reaching around the world in a strong embrace.

I am the rock against which the surf crashes.

The priestess wondered if she would ever be strong enough to go back to the waters, to feel the freezing ocean on her skin and dive in so deeply the sunlight wouldn’t reach her. She wanted it to be her air, even if only for a while. She would move within it more easily than a bird in the sky.

“Is it better than you remembered?”, Azriel walked next to her, long fingers threaded through her own.

The ocean breathed, its surface rising and falling with rhythmic ease.

“It’s breathtaking,” she admitted. “I wish I could look at this view forever.”

Something tingled inside Azriel’s chest, but he pushed it away for now. He squeezed her hand in reassurance. “I can fly you out here as many times as you want, my love.”

She couldn’t help the faint blush that grew on her freckled cheeks, and she had to look away.

“What?”, Azriel teased.

Gwyn shrugged. “I like it when you call me that.”

He arched a playful eyebrow. “Do you like it when I call you my love ?”

The priestess hummed in response, still too embarrassed to look him in the eye. Azriel laughed at her reaction, too precious for his own well-being, and wrapped his strong arms around her form before planting a kiss on top of her hair. It smelled like the ocean breeze and water lilies.

“Can I ask you something?”, he swallowed quietly. “It’s about the mating bond.”

Gwyn nodded, head tucked under his chin as they both beheld the scenery. She pressed her lips to one of his scarred hands that were wrapped around her shoulders.

“What is it that scares you about it?”

She considered this. Surprisingly, there weren’t many things that scared her about accepting the mating bond. Because even though she knew she was strong enough to overcome any kind of fear, more so with her mate by her side —Mother, her mate —, she also knew she still needed some time. Baby steps.

“To be honest,” she started. “The sex is what scares me the most. Not because I don’t enjoy it, but because it’d be too much, too intense, too often. I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of frenzy just yet.”

Azriel squeezed her shoulders tighter, “I understand.”

“I know,” she smiled softly. “But you know what they say. You shall overcome your fears by facing them. So, Shadowsinger…”

Azriel chuckled. “So we’ll be having a lot of sex from now on? Is that what you’re implying, Berdara?”

Her face was the epitome of wickedness. “That’s precisely what I’m saying, yes,” she teased him. “I hope it won’t be a problem.”

“I can think of a couple more tedious things other than fucking you senseless, Gwyn.”

“Az!”, she yanked herself away from his embrace to smack his chest playfully.

He took the chance to snake an arm around her waist and bring her cold lips to his. They warmed up in seconds. In that kiss was the sweetness of passion, a million loving thoughts condensed into a moment. Their first kiss as mates . Their first kiss of an eternity.

Gwyn wrapped her arms around his neck and brought him as close to her warmth as she could. In his kiss she was home. The spark between them became an ever-bright flame, the golden string between their souls glowing more intensely than it had ever done before.

In his kiss was the promise of centuries of real love.

But when they pulled away, suddenly a worrying thought she had pushed back earlier that day came crashing in like the waves against the cliffs.

“Azriel,” when her tone changed so drastically, his shoulders stiffened with tension. “I… I didn’t drink the contraceptive tea.”

“Oh,” his eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Don’t worry, I drank mine.”

Gwyn nodded, slowly, the embarrassment visible in her soft features. “Alright. That’s… that’s good.”

But Azriel saw right through her facade, “Do you know how it works?”, he asked gently. “If you have any questions about it, you can ask me.”

Gwyn’s heart pounded so violently she thought it’d explode any moment now, “I know the basics. I know what it’s for and that I have to drink it once a month.”

Azriel nodded, “Yes. I can ask Madja for some if you want me to.”

She nodded, “I’d like that.”

He kissed the top of her head then, a reassuring gesture between them, and she relaxed again.

There were so many new things they were going to navigate through, together. Things she had never dreamed of for herself, not in a million years. But she was definitely excited for all that was going to come. If Azriel held her hand through it, she knew she was going to be alright.

The future didn’t scare her anymore. She looked at herself in the mirror now and she didn’t see a broken girl, a girl who had lost everything that night at Sangravah. Not at all.

Now she saw a powerful woman who had conquered every single one of her insecurities, of her fears, who had found a best friend, a lover, a mate , who was willing to walk this healing path with her. She had found true love.

And as she looked at the vast ocean in front of them, wrapped around her mate’s protective arms, she could only think of one thing that was missing from all this.

“Will you sing for me, Shadowsinger?”

Azriel’s heart leaped at the request. “Right now?”

Gwyn hummed in response. “I’d like to hear you sing.”

Azriel hadn’t sung in centuries. He never did it for sport, not when…

“My shadows get… really excited when I sing,” he explained carefully.

The priestess arched a playful eyebrow. “I wouldn’t expect any less from a Shadowsinger .”

But he shook his head. “No, Gwyn. It’s not playful or fun. It gets really dark, almost like you’re floating around nothingness. I don’t… I don’t want to scare you.”

Gwyn planted a small kiss on his arm. “Nothing about you scares me, Azriel. And certainly not your shadows.”

His soul glowed at her words. No one had ever talked so fondly about him, about the darkness of his powers and the cruelty of who he really was. A torturer, an Angel of Death.

But Gwyn was different. She was his mate, his equal. And only then did he allow himself to admit that he had wanted her to be long before the bond snapped.

“If you’re completely sure.”

She nodded, “I’m sure.”

And so Azriel took a deep breath, and started to sing. The second she heard the soft melody, it felt like a catharsis.

A song she knew, but she couldn’t focus on the lyrics. Only on his voice, his melody, the shadows that were now wrapping more tightly around them than they had done before. Gwyn held her breath, but not in fear.

His singing brought her soul into key with the vibrations of the universe. It was healing, calming, steady. His familiar shadows engulfed them completely until she couldn’t hear the sounds of the ocean anymore. Only his voice.

And it was the most enchanting experience she had ever had.

Gwyn found herself humming to the soothing melody, and soon enough a strain of a whispered voice left her lips until she was singing with him. When he heard the captivating music coming from her, he hugged her tighter.

And Gwyn started to glow. There was no other way to describe it, Azriel though, as the power of a million suns left her voice to twirl around his shadows. But that brightness didn’t wash out his darkness, no. Instead, it made it more intense somehow. He didn’t know shadows could glow until that very moment.

The golden thread that connected their souls, their mating bond, appeared in the horizon of the darkness, brighter than ever before, only to twirl around their hugging bodies next. Gwyn smiled to herself with tears in her eyes.

A promise of forever. A promise of a happy ending, with him.

“I love you,” he whispered against her ear as the shadows started to retreat slowly.

Her skin was still glowing against his when she said, “I love you, Azriel. Until forever ends.”

Notes:

Aaaaah!!! Stay tuned for the epilogue tomorrow x

Chapter 13: Epilogue

Notes:

I can’t believe it’s the very last chapter of this story 🥺 I hope I made it justice! And remember... Gwynriel supremacy forever 💙🧡
You can follow me on Tumblr (mercurianbisous) for more Gwynriel breakdowns!
It’s been a pleasure 💞

Chapter Text

Three months after the mating bond snap…

“You’re doing it wrong.”

Azriel furrowed his brows deeper as he attempted to tie a forward knot with the blue strand. Keyword, attempted. But his fingers were too damn thick for this. Not like he was going to give up because of it, though. He’d never admit defeat. Certainly not while doing this .

Gwyn peered in over his shoulder, “Okay, now you have to take the left-most strand, yeah the black one, and bend it on top of the blue one,” she instructed as Azriel followed every step carefully. “Create a ‘four’ shape. Just like that. Well done, Az!”

The Spymaster let out a satisfied sigh as he looked at the questionable masterpiece in front of him. A friendship bracelet he’d been trying to make for the past two hours without much success. It was looking messy, the blue, the black and the copper strands not making a clean pattern at all, but Gwyn insisted that she loved it anyway.

Blue for his syphons and the invoking stone she finally felt worthy of wearing. Black for his shadows, or ‘misty babies’ as Gwyn now called them (he wasn’t complaining). Copper for her hair, for the million freckles that adorned her beautiful face.

“You did a decent job,” she reassured him as she planted a small kiss on his temple. “I mean, not everyone can be a friendship bracelet-making goddess like myself, but…”

Azriel snaked an arm around her waist and brought her down to his lap. She giggled as she let herself plop down on his knees, her own arms around his neck for support.

“Careful, Berdara,” he teased. “Don’t start a war you can’t win.”

“Oh, please ,” she rolled her eyes. “As if I hadn’t knocked you out cold on the training ring just this morning.”

He smirked, “I let you win.”

“Keep telling yourself that, Shadowsinger.”

Azriel chuckled before bringing their lips together. Mother, had he missed this. They had barely seen each other all day, except for their morning sessions, but he couldn’t exactly praise her like this with everyone else around. He didn’t want to make the rest of the priestesses uncomfortable nor was he willing to go through another goddamn week of Cassian Nesta teasing him nonstop for being ‘so whipped it hurt to see’.

Ever since they made it public that they were mates —most of his family already knew, as apparently it was painfully obvious— but that they were going to wait to officially accept the bond, nothing but teasing followed. Especially from his brothers.

More specifically from Mr. Dipshit himself —Cassian.

“Funny how the High Lord’s Spymaster couldn’t see a mating bond that was right under his nose all along.”

“I swear to the Mother, if you don’t shut your fucking mouth…”

“What? You’re gonna send your misty children to pester their favourite uncle? I feel so threatened.”

Deep down he knew his family was happy for him, and even happier for Gwyn. Although Nesta was… well. She was happy too, of course, but she was a couple of other things as well. And she was going to let him know.

“What did you want to talk to me about?”, Azriel arched a questioning eyebrow as Nesta gestured to him to sit down on the chair in front of her.

She had called him into one of the private libraries one day, completely randomly, while Gwyn was working at the library. So the Shadowsinger obeyed and waited patiently until Nesta revealed what was so urgent it required his immediate presence.

His brother’s mate eyed him carefully as she clasped her hands together over her lap, “You’re Gwyn’s mate.”

Azriel’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, “I thought it was common knowledge, Nesta,” he teased.

But she ignored his comment, “What are your intentions with her?”

Azriel’s heart jumped. Everyone knew Nesta was protective of Gwyn. Emerie too, but Nesta was just a tad over the top. Ever since the priestess started to leave the House of Wind more often, Nesta went into full mother hen, big sister mode to make sure Gwyn always felt safe.

When she wasn’t with him, they’d go down to Velaris together to try out new places and do some shopping. Even the three Valkyries would go on picnics on the Sidra — Elain, Mor and Feyre would join them some days. And even if Gwyn insisted that she was fine, Nesta needed to make sure that she was feeling safe at all times. Constantly.

And with Azriel, with her mate , it was no exception.

The Shadowsinger hesitated, “My intentions?”

“I hope you’re not pushing her to accept the bond before she’s ready,” there it was. Straight to the point.

Something inside his chest broke at the fact that Nesta even considered him capable of doing such a thing.

“I would never, Nesta. Never . And you know it,” his stare, firm and cold on her, almost made her flinch.

She knew she was being too overprotective. Azriel had been nothing but a steady company and a good friend to Gwyn even before these feelings grew between the two. But when it came to her sister, after everything she’d been through…

“Just making sure,” her eyes were still hard on him. “And then, what? Do you want to start a family with her?”

He didn’t hesitate, “Of course I do.”

They hadn’t talked about it. It was definitely too soon, and he didn’t want her to freak out over something that would be years away from happening. But sometimes his mind would wander off and he wouldn’t bother to stop it.

He’d always wanted a family of his own, one he could cherish and protect, a completely different experience from his own childhood. He’d make sure his children felt safe and, most of all, loved. Azriel didn’t care how long it took, all he knew was that he was willing to wait until Gwyn was ready. And if she never felt ready to take that step… they had each other. And that was more than enough for him.

“Any plans on moving out?”, Nesta frowned.

Azriel smirked, “Is this whole conversation just a facade to kick us out?”

“Of course not,” she blushed under his playful gaze. “But… you know. Maybe you’ll want your own place someday. Believe me, you wouldn’t want your kids to grow up around Cassian’s influence.”

“Yours are going to,” he pointed out.

“Don’t remind me.”

Apparently, Nesta didn’t really have any solid point to make, as she already knew he would never dare to hurt Gwyn. As her mate, he physically couldn’t, anyway. It already tore him apart when she shed one lonely tear of sadness for whatever minor reason.

So they agreed that they both loved Gwyn very much, and that both of them were a couple of overprotective shits when it came to her, and then Nesta asked him to help her with a few knife tricks that she hadn’t mastered well enough.

And now he was sitting down with his girl, his mate, on his lap and a poorly-made friendship bracelet for her on the desk in front of them.

“It’s beautiful, Az,” she reassured him as she carefully picked it up between her slim fingers and wrapped it around her wrist.

Azriel struggled to make the knot and secure it into place, “I’m sorry it’s a tad damaged. My fingers didn’t want to cooperate with this one.”

Gwyn chuckled softly. Yeah, his fingers were definitely way too big for such fine threads. But he had tried anyway, for her, and it was all that mattered.

“I love it,” she smiled. “And don’t worry about it. There’s always beauty in the damaged.”

Six months after the mating bond snap…

“Here? Now?”

Gwyn nodded up at him, a mischievous smirk on her lips.

Mother . He was going to lose his goddamn mind.

“Come on, Shadowsinger. There’s nobody around,” she insisted as she tugged at the hem of his shirt with a look in her eyes he knew all too well.

Those eyes were going to be the death of him, for sure. He couldn’t say no to them, and right now was solid proof of that.

Azriel put his hands under her ass and lifted her up effortlessly, Gwyn’s legs automatically wrapping around his torso. She held on to him tightly as he released his grip on her to pull his shirt off and throw it against a rock. Her lips found his immediately afterwards, the heat between her legs slowly becoming unbearable.

They had done this before, but just the once. It had never crossed his mind, if he was being completely honest, because Gwyn’s comfort was always his number one priority and, well… He never thought she’d be up for something like that.

But it was her who suggested that they had public sex, much to his surprise (much to his arousal, too). The first time happened during their training sessions in the ring, late at night, when she hadn’t been able to hold herself together any longer. Seeing him spar, his wings wide and big and ready, she couldn’t take it anymore.

And so she rode him on the hard, cold floor of the training ring for hours on end.

The next morning, Cassian didn’t know whether to laugh or throw up.

And now she had suggested it again, during one of their visits to the cliffs, and he wasn’t going to say no.

A couple of months ago, Gwyn sat down with him and told him that she wanted to explore her sexuality even more. She wanted to try new things, exciting and risky things. She felt that she was ready.

“I know there’s a freak inside of you, Shadowsinger,” she had teased him that day. “And I want to have a taste.”

Azriel had gone completely insane.

And now he found himself pounding into her, slamming into her tight core hard against the rocky walls of a hidden cave on the beach, his shadows wrapped around Gwyn’s back to protect her from the bumpy surface.

She moaned into his shoulder, feeling her walls close around him until a set of curses under his breath told her that he was close, too. Her lips went to his neck, kissing and nibbling and biting his skin there, and Azriel couldn’t take it any longer. He roared as he came undone inside of her, the caves around them shaking with his force, and Gwyn found her release right afterwards.

She clinged to his shoulders as if her life depended on it, breathing heavily. “Again,” she breathed, and Azriel didn’t need to be told twice.

There was something about having sex with Azriel that had changed, very slowly, over time. She found herself even more hungry for him, craving his touch, his cock inside of her at the most random and sometimes inconvenient times. But what had surprised her the most was her endurance.

Just last week, they’d gone for two hours straight. Two hours of fucking mercilessly against the wall, on top of his desk, on the middle of the floor. She rode him, and she let him take her from the back, and yet she wanted more. More. A lot more.

Gwyn didn’t understand what the hell was happening to her, but she wasn't going to fight it, either.

Azriel had taught her about wing play, too, and the wonders it did for him. Needless to say, now Gwyn brushed her fingertips along his extremely sensitive wings at the most inappropriate times just to see if he’d crumble. When Cassian and Nesta were around, mostly. Innocent look on her face, she knew what she was doing. And he’d always make her pay for it later.

This time, by their third release they were spent.

“Fuck, Gwyn,” Azriel muttered as he tried to regain his breath.

“Indeed.”

The Shadowsinger chuckled and planted a small kiss on her forehead before helping her down to the ground. He used his powers to clean them up and make them look presentable again. Like two adults who had sex in the privacy of their own homes, and not in the middle of a beach.

When they exited the cave, Gwyn’s eyes fixed on the landscape in front of her and she asked, “Az, do you think we could ever have sex in the ocean?”

One year after the mating bond snap…

Cassian and Nesta were trying for a baby.

Azriel found out first, as Cassian was so excited about the possibility of becoming a father that he couldn’t keep it quiet. His brother acted as if Nesta was pregnant already, so sure that their blessing would come sooner than they thought, and Azriel almost cried with him when he told him the news.

Cassian was going to be an amazing father. He had no doubts about that. He’d wanted a family for so long, was a great uncle to Nyx (as much as it pained him to admit it), and most importantly, he loved Nesta with all his soul. Azriel knew he’d love their child even more.

But that caused a distant thought to linger for the rest of the day.

He hadn’t thought about this in months.

Perhaps it was time to actually consider it, for real. And even though it scared him, he visited Rhysand anyway that same afternoon.

“I want to build a house overlooking the ocean,” he told him the second he entered his office at the River House.

I wish I could look at this view forever , she’d told him the first time he took her to see the ocean almost a year ago.

His brother’s face didn’t show any kind of emotion, “For you and Gwyn?”

Azriel nodded, “She loves it there, and I think it would make her really happy,” he said, and for some reason he felt nervous under the High Lord’s stare. He added, “We’ll move in together whenever she’s ready. She can have her own room there, she is going to. She doesn’t have to share a bedroom with me.”

Gwyn still had her own chambers in the House of Wind, even if she rarely used them at that point. Whenever she wasn’t in his bedroom, she was in one of the private libraries or out in Velaris. The only thing that remained there were her clothes. But still, he wouldn’t want her to feel pressured about the whole thing.

Just like he was feeling right now, under Rhysand’s unreadable stare.

His brother sat back on his chair, “She still hasn’t accepted the mating bond.”

It didn’t sting that much anymore, so Azriel said, “We’ve never cared about that before.”

“And that’s good.”

“Where are you getting to, Rhysand?”, Azriel asked then, showing him just the tiniest bit of annoyance.

Because what the hell was his deal? Every time they brought up something to do with Gwyn, especially when it came to the more sensitive topics, Rhysand seemed to be on-edge. Not mate-crazy like Azriel would, but it reminded him of how Cassian looked out for Feyre.

“A year ago, when Gwyn came here and told me you were her mate,” he started, slowly. “We talked about that night at Sangravah. What it was still doing to her.”

Azriel’s syphons flared, turning every inch of the office bright blue. Sangravah. He couldn’t bear it.

They had talked about it themselves, a couple of times. When Gwyn felt strong enough to relive all those moments, they sat down together and talked for hours. And Azriel listened for hours, held her for hours. He cried with her for hours.

“Since then, we’ve had a few conversations,” the High Lord continued, his voice somewhat strained. “We’ve talked about our sisters, our mothers, our…”

He couldn’t continue. And to his surprise, a few, shy shadows went to wrap about him. Azriel understood. He didn’t need to say it out loud.

“Gwyn is my family, too,” Rhysand said then, looking his brother right in the eye. “And I want the best for her.”

“I love her, Rhysand,” he tried not to choke on his own emotions. Seeing his brother like this, so vulnerable for his mate, had done something to his heart. People who weren’t him loved Gwyn as well. And that healed parts of him he didn’t know were broken.

“And I fully believe you’re going to be most happy in that ocean house, Azriel,” Rhysand smiled. A true, genuine smile. “Come here.”

Rhysand’s arms squeezed him tight and Azriel breathed more slowly. In that embrace he felt his worries lose their keen sting and his optimism raise its head from the dirt. Perhaps the hope had been there all along, but his brothers always helped him see things more clearly. His lights at the end of the tunnel.

“I’ll help you build the house, Az,” Rhysand murmured into their embrace. “You both deserve this.”

He didn’t tell Gwyn about it until seven months later.

During that time, whenever she’d tell him that she wanted to see the ocean, he’d take her somewhere else with the pretext that they should explore new places. Gwyn didn’t complain.

But that didn’t stop her from beaming when Azriel finally suggested that they went to their usual ocean-spotting place, her favourite sight. And as he flew them above the cliffs with his heart in his sleeve, Gwyn pointed out at something down in the distance:

“I don’t think that house was there before,” Gwyn frowned as he started his descent towards the ground.

Azriel didn’t say anything. He couldn’t find the words.

He placed her softly on the green grass of the cliff, barely a few feet away from the mysterious house. Gwyn scanned it with curiosity. Almost embedded in the high rocks, it was a huge place. Nothing short of the River House Feyre and Rhys owned. It was made of ancient stones, and all the doors and windows were closed. Nobody seemed to live there.

“Do you like it?”, Azriel asked in a faint voice. If she said no…

It had been risky to build this house without telling her about it. But he hadn’t done it by himself — he’d had his brothers’ help, Gwyn’s sisters, he’d even asked for Clotho’s input on a couple of things he thought she would enjoy. And everyone, surprisingly, had kept quiet.

Now Gwyn scanned the house with big eyes and a dreamy smile on her face, “It’s a beautiful house with an even more beautiful view.”

“Good. Because it’s ours.”

Her breathing stopped. She snapped her head back to look at him in shock. Azriel smirked nervously, “Surprise.”

Gwyn didn’t fight back the tears as she threw herself at him, tackling him to the ground, and kissing him all over his face. She laughed, and cried, and kept asking how and why, and Azriel’s eyes filled with tears of happiness at the sight of her.

“I thought it was time we moved out of the House of Wind,” he explained once Gwyn had calmed down. “There’s no rush, of course. We can come here for a couple of days and then go back, just to get used to it.”

Gwyn’s smile didn’t die down as she listened attentively, her heart about to melt.

“We could buy another house in Velaris so you can be closer to everyone,” he reassured her. “You’ll have your own space here, and…”

“Azriel,” she interrupted him with tears in her eyes. “It’s perfect. I love it. I love it so much. And I want to live here. With you.”

Carefully, he put a strand of loose copper hair behind her ear. “Shall we go inside then, my love?”

Two years after the mating bond snap…

Azriel barely made it to the front door. He was mad exhausted.

Eris had somehow managed to fuck shit up the first month of him being High Lord of the Autumn Court, and he had begged Rhys to send his best men to clean the mess before the word spread. Men, in plural.

But Azriel had gone by himself.

He wasn’t complaining. Well, maybe just a little bit, but he was understanding. Rhysand had other urgent matters at hand in Hewn City and Cassian… Well. His brother hadn’t slept in four days, literally.

His newborn daughter had Nesta’s fair skin and beautiful blue-gray eyes, but also her ferocious temper. Especially at night.

Cassian loved their little girl with every goddamn inch of his goddamn soul, never complained once when she woke him up in the middle of the night, screaming, and wouldn’t go back to sleep unless she was cradled between his arms.

But when Rhysand had tried to reach out for this mission, he’d found him lying on his back in the middle of the training ring, sleeping soundly, his daughter snoring on his chest.

“He hasn’t slept in over three days,” Nesta had informed him with dark bags under her eyes.

So of course Azriel understood why he’d had to go all by himself. It was fine. Cassian had longed for a family for so long now, more specifically for a mini-Valkyrie, and now that his wish had finally become true, he was going to let his brother enjoy it.

Even if that meant dragging his wings on the cold, tiled floor of their spacious foyer as he finally entered the house.

“I’m home!”, he announced, and let his shadows run wild towards the end of the corridor, where Gwyn probably was. They had missed her like crazy for the past couple of days.

He could barely feel his own feet as he forced himself to follow his shadows’ path. It didn’t help that their house was so damn big it took him ages to go from one room to another. He would’ve winnowed his way to her if he hadn’t been so fucking tired.

The house had three stories, and the last one was fully dedicated to Gwyn’s personal library, with huge panel windows that overlooked the ocean and the horizon. A decent-sized kitchen they barely used, two living rooms, countless bathrooms, a training ring of their own, and five bedrooms.

They only used one. At least for now.

When Helion came back to pay Rhysand a visit, he’d also officially found out about their mating bond. In his own words, “The Spymaster of the Night Court couldn’t see something so painfully obvious? You might be getting old after all, Azriel.”

And so he had gifted them a ‘mating bond-realisation gift’ which consisted of a house spell. Which turned out to be incredibly handy, actually. Pretty much like the House of Wind, the Ocean House was alive in its own right, and answered to every single, random request they had. Especially Gwyn’s. The House loved Gwyn, spoiled her with novels it knew she’d absolutely adore.

The priestess was in the process of choosing a name for the house, because, “She’s our friend, Az. She deserves a name.”

“Oh, so it’s a she ?”

“Duh.”

His shadows lead him to the kitchen and dining room area. He didn’t think much of it. It was late already, and he hadn’t told her the exact time he’d be back that night, because he didn’t know. Eris was an unpredictable bastard. So she was probably having dinner already, whatever the House had prepared for her.

He couldn’t be more wrong.

Because when he entered the kitchen and saw Gwyn taking a steaming metal pan out of the oven, he almost passed out.

“You’re back,” her teal eyes widened like a deer caught in headlights. “I… I thought it would take you a while longer.”

Azriel’s heart stopped working. “What is all this?”

Gwyn’s face turned bright red. There was a tray of burnt potatoes on one side of the kitchen counter, clearly a failed experiment. Next to it, there was another tray of better-looking potatoes and roasted onions. She carefully placed the hot metal pan on the counter, then proceeded to close the oven behind her.

“It’s… it’s lamb,” she swallowed as she gestured to all the food around her. “And potatoes. I found a cooking book in the library and I thought…”

“You made dinner?”, Azriel’s throat was dry. He’d never seen her cook. And certainly not for him. Not when it meant…

“Yeah,” Gwyn said in a shy voice. “For… for you.”

He stopped breathing.

“Gwyn,” he started, carefully. Oh Mother, he was going to pass out. “It looks delicious, love. I… I really appreciate all this, but… Do you know what this means?”

Gwyn gulped, “I know what it means.”

Accepting the mating bond. That’s what it meant. When the female is ready to accept the bond, she offers the male some kind of food. She doesn’t have to cook it herself, necessarily, but Gwyn had gone all the way. He had cooked him a whole dinner.

“Please, eat.”

Azriel hesitated, “Gwyn, are you sure?”

She nodded, a small, nervous smile on her lips, “I’ve never been more sure about anything. Ever.”

He looked at her carefully, but her expression didn’t change. Fine, then. He’d eat the whole damn thing.

And he did. He accepted the food, accepted her offer, and didn’t leave a single crumb on his plate. And then his eyes found hers, and silence washed over the House.

Gwyn’s smile grew bigger as her eyes filled with equally silent tears, “You think you’ve got room for dessert, Shadowsinger?”

Azriel’s hands started to shake as he extended his arms to wrap around her waist. He hugged her so tightly she thought her lungs would run out of air, but she hugged him tightly just the same.

And as he kissed her cheek softly, he whispered, “I can only think of one thing I truly want for dessert, my dear mate.”

Five years later…

Water dripped down past her shoulders, through copper hair, and continued over her stomach. She washed her body slowly, and spent extra time on the curve of her belly. She caressed the skin there softly, as if to really believe the proof that another being was growing inside of her. Two heartbeats within the same body.

Eventually, the water turned cold, signaling that it was time to get out. She threw in a pair of stretchy leggings and one of Azriel’s old sweaters, the only type of clothes that seemed to fit now.

Walking down the bright hallway, she made her way towards her favourite room of the house. The door was slightly open, and she let herself look at him, observe him carefully, before making her presence known. She knew his shadows liked to not warn him that she was near, almost as if they were playing a game of pissing their master off, so she was fine.

Azriel was kneeling down in front of a wooden cot he had built himself with the help of Cassian the previous week, now with a paintbrush in hand. He traced deliberate strokes of white paint over it, as he hummed to some song she didn’t recognise. His shadows danced around his wings, following the rhythm of the angelical melody.

Gwyn took a moment to glance around the room. It was definitely the best one in the house, the cosiest, the brightest, and also the most special of them all. The nursery was almost finished and ready for their little one.

They had decided to paint the walls a light grey, something neutral, but Emerie had complained that it was too boring. So, the next day she went over with a bunch of cute stickers to put on the walls she’d bought from one of the local artists in Velaris. They consisted mainly of mountains, rivers, spring forests, and some animals, and Azriel and her thought it was cute enough, so why not.

The rest of their friends were quick to fill the nursery with (necessary, but excessive) crap after that.

Feyre and Rhysand gifted them at least a dozen of baby toys and plushies, Elain and Lucien gave them some cute pictures to hang on the walls, Nesta and Cassian bought a lot of blankets and baby pajamas, and Amren and Varian got Gwyn quite the fancy and comfortable nursing chair. Mor, on the other hand, had gifted them a surprisingly beautiful set of fae lights to hang around the room.

Gwyn took one last look around, and decided to clear her throat then, making Azriel turn around instantly. He had a bit of white paint on his left cheek, a shirt that read ‘This is what a badass dad looks like’ courtesy of Cassian, and he had never looked so damn breathtaking.

Her best friend, her lover, her mate . Now the father of her child, too.

“How are my babies doing?”, he smiled, putting the paintbrush down to give her a kiss as his shadows twirled around her swollen stomach.

“Your babies are hungry”, she teased when they pulled away, “Are you done here? I’m making lunch shortly.”

“I’ll make it”, he planted one last kiss on her temple, and placed a guiding hand on the small of her back as they made their way downstairs.

Gwyn resisted the urge to scoff at him. Her pregnancy wasn't at all difficult — barely any nausea, no fainting, and her back pain wasn’t that terrible. Yet Azriel was.

She knew Azriel had always been protective of her, not that she really minded. But ever since she got pregnant, he became much worse. He didn’t want her to go alone anywhere, didn’t want her to lift any weights (let alone weapons), and he didn’t want her to make lunch either, apparently. It was getting ridiculous.

Even if the House could prepare them whole, delicious meals effortlessly, they had easily fallen into a routine of cooking for each other. It was intimate, and it reminded them of the night Gwyn had finally accepted their mating bond.

“Az, I’m pregnant, not incapacitated,” she crossed her arms in resignation when he took a frying pan from her hands.

“Shh,” he shushed her playfully, “Let Daddy do the work.”

Gwyn arched an amused eyebrow, “So we are doing that now?”

“Doing what?”, he teased.

“Calling ourselves Mommy and Daddy,” she smirked.

“Let’s not pervert those words,” Azriel half-chuckled, “Cassian and Nesta do it enough for all of us.”

Gwyn made a disgusted face, but laughed. Azriel continued, “Plus, I don’t want to feel all weird when our kids call us that.”

Her heart swooned, “Kids,” she paused, “In plural.”

“Well, yeah,” she swore she saw a blush on his cheeks as he spoke, “While we are at it.”

She laughed, and went to hug him from behind, “Well, we do have plenty of empty bedrooms in this house.”

“That we do,” he smiled, his insides getting all warm with the possibility of expanding their little family. It was too soon, they both knew that, but Azriel couldn’t picture a better future for him. An amazing mate, a great home he had built with her and their family in mind, and beautiful and warrior children? There was nothing more he could ask for.

“You know what Nyx said to me last night?”, she started with a smirk.

“What?”, asked, amused.

“He said that he was hoping for our baby to be a boy, because he was sick of playing Valkyries with his cousins,” she replied, gleefully.

Azriel chuckled quietly, “Liar. He enjoys playing Valkyries more than they do.”

“That’s why I thought, too,” Gwyn shook her head as she laughed. “But that made me wonder... Do you think our little one will be a boy or a girl?”

Azriel pondered her question, and felt that his heart somehow knew the answer. “I am leaning towards a boy,” he confessed. “But I wouldn’t mind a girl at all.”

“I know,” Gwyn smiled before planting a kiss on the back of his neck. “I think it’s a boy, too. A mini Shadowsinger.”

His heart jumped at the possibility. Their son, another Shadowsinger… Pride filled his chest.

“I love you so much, Az,” she squeezed his torso tightly, and gave his covered back a kiss, “You’re going to be the best father.”

He smiled, “Only because you are the best mother.”

Gwyn didn’t fight back. The days of insecurities and self-loathing were long gone. Perhaps they’d be the best parents, after all. Azriel didn’t grow up with a father figure to look up to, neither did she. Both of their childhoods had been difficult, traumatic, and yet it didn’t matter.

Their baby was growing inside of her, their most desired wish had finally come true, and they would make sure their child grew up feeling happy and loved, both by their parents and by all their aunts and uncles and cousins.

Mother , their child was one hell of a lucky baby already, Gwyn thought.

She was one hell of a lucky woman, too.

She had found self-love, self-acceptance, forgiveness. She had moved on whilst never forgetting the people she cherished the most, now gone. But never from her heart. She had conquered countless fears, both alone and with the constant help of her sisters, of her found family, of people who loved her unconditionally. Of her mate .

Of the father of the baby growing inside of her, glowing quietly within.

As they held each other in the middle of the quiet nursery, the sunlight shining on them with hopeful radiance, they saw it very clearly.

After all, they were going to be fine. They were going to thrive in this world that had taken away so much from both. Because now, nothing else mattered except for the three of them. It all had led to his, to this prosperity that would last for the rest of their immortal lives. Something sacred and golden.

Their long-awaited family. Their long-awaited happy ending.

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Mads (Guest) on Chapter 1 Fri 09 Jul 2021 06:21PM UTC

Oh my cuteness😭❤️
Gwyn's self-loathing makes me so sad :(

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 1 Fri 09 Jul 2021 06:29PM UTC
  
  Same 😔 but I promise you it’ll get better in this story!
  
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thebestintentions on Chapter 1 Sun 11 Jul 2021 06:34AM UTC

FLAWLESS

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 1 Sun 11 Jul 2021 07:51AM UTC
  
  🥰🥰🥰
  
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Ahsokasanity on Chapter 1 Fri 16 Jul 2021 07:17PM UTC

Ooh, I like it. Thanks for writing. TrashforAzriel sent me

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 1 Fri 16 Jul 2021 08:38PM UTC
  
  I’m glad to hear both of those things 🥺
  
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Firedrake2020 (Guest) on Chapter 1 Tue 27 Dec 2022 06:39PM UTC

❤️👏

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WiseGirl269 on Chapter 2 Fri 09 Jul 2021 02:59PM UTC

awwwwwww i love rhys and az in this fic the energy there is purrfect

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 2 Fri 09 Jul 2021 03:34PM UTC
  
  Thank you! I can’t wait for you to read what I have planned next for them 🥰
  
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bookmouse17 on Chapter 2 Fri 09 Jul 2021 04:42PM UTC

Good story so far! I'm looking forward to seeing where you go with this!

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 2 Fri 09 Jul 2021 04:49PM UTC
  
  Thank you! Next chapter will be up tomorrow 👩💻
  
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gwynrielsupremacy on Chapter 2 Fri 09 Jul 2021 10:15PM UTC

AAAAAA
This is so good!!!! Loved the cliffhanger

Last Edited Fri 09 Jul 2021 10:15PM UTC

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 2 Fri 09 Jul 2021 10:38PM UTC
  
  Thank you!! More to come tomorrow 🥺
  
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gwynsimp (Guest) on Chapter 2 Fri 09 Jul 2021 11:26PM UTC

THIS IS SO GOOD WHAT

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 2 Sat 10 Jul 2021 12:11AM UTC
  
  Thank you! 🥺
  
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MusicalMassasinsXxx on Chapter 2 Sat 10 Jul 2021 03:10AM UTC

SOOO GOOD! Also the cliffhanger is a bit rude 😅 so excited to read more of their journey!

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 2 Sat 10 Jul 2021 06:40AM UTC
  
  🤣 Thank you! Don’t worry too much about it - next chapter will be up in a few hours!
  
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2. 1. VikingMagic_33 on Chapter 2 Sun 11 Jul 2021 05:05PM UTC
    
    Does this mean today, please say yes, please say yes. This is amazing!!
    
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  2. 1. orphan_account on Chapter 2 Sun 11 Jul 2021 06:08PM UTC
      
      Thank you!! It’ll be tomorrow for me though, as I’ve already posted this one today 😔 (around 12 more hours to go!!)
      
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Ahsokasanity on Chapter 2 Fri 16 Jul 2021 07:32PM UTC

Oh no, angst and sexual tension followed by explosion (& not the good kind!)
What have you done?

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 2 Fri 16 Jul 2021 08:38PM UTC
  
  😬🥴
  
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hypergraphia on Chapter 2 Tue 27 Jul 2021 07:12AM UTC

I imagine the shadows singing the one song from little mermaid....don't be shyyy

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r_m_han245 on Chapter 2 Sun 19 Sep 2021 10:46AM UTC

What? WHAT? I have so many feelings...

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 2 Sun 19 Sep 2021 11:27AM UTC
  
  Hope they’re all good 👀
  
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Firedrake2020 (Guest) on Chapter 2 Sat 31 Dec 2022 09:07PM UTC

Oh oh

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Wolfy2000 on Chapter 2 Fri 23 Aug 2024 08:19PM UTC

“These are the hands that saved me,” she kissed the last scar gently before looking up at him. She smiled, “You saved me, Azriel.”
Brb crying this is so beautiful 🥹

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iva (Guest) on Chapter 3 Sat 10 Jul 2021 02:11PM UTC

Hey I absolutely love this!! Keep up the great work and please update soon!! <3

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 3 Sat 10 Jul 2021 02:22PM UTC
  
  Thanks darling! I update every day, so stay tuned for chapter 4 tomorrow 🥰
  
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Az_ish21 on Chapter 3 Sat 10 Jul 2021 03:03PM UTC

AHHH I LOVE

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 3 Sat 10 Jul 2021 03:08PM UTC
  
  Thank you 🥺🥰
  
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AuroraBeam on Chapter 3 Sat 10 Jul 2021 09:26PM UTC

I really like this so far!

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 3 Sat 10 Jul 2021 09:53PM UTC
  
  Thank you!! 🥰
  
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MusicalMassasinsXxx on Chapter 3 Sat 10 Jul 2021 09:41PM UTC

I’m so in love with this fic

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 3 Sat 10 Jul 2021 09:53PM UTC
  
  Thank you! I really appreciate it 🥺
  
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Ahsokasanity on Chapter 3 Fri 16 Jul 2021 07:45PM UTC

Stupid drunk guy. Wouldnt matter if she wasn't with Az, she said let go. That bit made me mad. The rest made me happy!

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1. orphan_account on Chapter 3 Fri 16 Jul 2021 08:39PM UTC
  
  It made me mad to write it, too. But I needed to throw protective Az in there, how could I not?
  
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Firedrake2020 (Guest) on Chapter 3 Sat 31 Dec 2022 10:08PM UTC

👏👏

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