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I can't remember what the teachers taught me back in elementary. I think it was around grade 4? I'm not sure—but they sure taught me how to write a letter… I just forgot about it. I can remember it started with a Dear Someone and addresses it to where they live but I already don't know where to find you. You were gone before I even knew it… where have you been?
I'm sorry I was stupid. I liked you for a very long time, since the very first day that my eyes had laid on you. You were so pretty. You were wearing a mint green hoodie, walking down your porch to get the mail on the box, and your eyes were holding the galaxies (I know it wasn't possible), and you have pink hair!! It suits you. So much that everytime I see that color, it reminds me of how you look back then. Back when you were here.
My friends warned me about you. Especially Johnny. He would tell me nonstop how bad you are for me but I didn't listen. Mainly because you're pretty and I'm a sucker for pretty boys (and because you didn't look like someone that would lie to get what they want) but then I was wrong. Again. And I hated that I didn't listen to whatever Johnny or Mark, or anyone has to say everytime I receive a text from you. I was stupid… and you were the reason behind it… so I guess it didn't really matter.
Remember when you were alone at Starbucks, I was waiting in line right behind you and you didn't notice me but I know you smiled at me while walking back to your seat (in the corner, near the fake plant at the glass wall) and I remember thinking to myself that I wish you meant that smile and that it also meant something more—but that was the days that you didn't know me still. The days that I can only look at you and talk about you to my friends. Now that I think about it, I sounded so much like a teenage girl getting all excited because their crush noticed them.
I had a small jar. It has small origami stars. It has around a hundred I think, and I take some out whenever I'm sad. I call it my happy jar. I started when I was around 6 or 7 years old… but it ran out when I was already 20. Guess who's also the reason behind it? You.
Whenever my friends go out and I tell them I can't come, I go to your house, right in front of your door, and close my eyes. It was weird and creepy and I guess Mr. Park next door is scared of me already but whenever I do that, I wish you'd come out and talk to me (at last!) but that didn't happen. Well, once it did—and it was embarrassing. Because you told me I look cute with the messy hair and the stripes shirt Johnny gave me before, then I realized how dumb I look like when I got home and stared at myself on the mirror. God, I look horrible! How dare you call me cute! Jaemin, you'd be the death of me.
There are nights when I hear you cry in your room. Or on the roof. Sometimes, you're also in the car blasting something to cover the fact that you were bawling your eyes out but you were obvious. Really obvious because your windows weren't tinted… and I can see you at my window, screaming the lyrics to All My Heart.
Did you and your boyfriend break up at that time? It was Renjun, right? I know him, he's in my class. He's smart and quiet… and lovely, I may add. But I guess he was an ass for hurting you.
Days after that, Johnny told me that you were the one that broke Renjun's heart, though. And I wasn't sure who to believe because I literally saw you inside your car. I wanted to ask you that, for a very long time, but I wasn't sure about it still… maybe because we weren't too close at that time.
So I made my move. And you became my friend, and we became together after 6 months (you didn't want to put a label on it though, you just told me you like me but can't call me your boyfriend yet) and then I started to regret everything that's happening. I started to regret loving you.
Na Jaemin, 27 years old. You live right next door. We're the typical boy-next-door love story but something was just not right back when we were 20. I began sleeping in your room. We began doing things we weren't allowed to. You took me to the long drives and bought me vinyls of artists you knew I would like. You told me I'm pretty below the night full of stars, and you told me you'd write a book for me (if you can, but you can't because you hated words, you told me)
“Donghyuck, stay with me. Right here, beside me, don't leave me… never, please.”
You begged me one summer night. I was stupid for believing and letting you. Maybe Renjun was right to leave you. You're an asshole.
I realized you were cheating.
But is it called cheating if we weren't even together in the first place? Fuck, I was an idiot. I hate that I was an idiot for you! Fuck you, Na Jaemin for stealing all those kisses and nights and time just to leave me hanging in a thread of unsure questions. I hate you so much but I don't—and I can't! It's frustrating, it just makes me want to cry… you cheated on me with that chinese boy in bio…
A week before the college graduation, you held my hand while we were lying on the hood of your car. Taylor Swift is on the speakers and it was also my playlist you were playing. The sea smelled different that time. I don't know how, but it just is. You kissed me and told me you were sorry but I didn't believe you this time because I became tired of the things you tell me whenever you feel like it. (Those I love you's really hurt… you didn't mean it at all) So I took my bag in the back seat and walked home because I don't have any money and I don't want to talk to you anymore. I walked home. Alone. And I saw your car when you drove right past me. You didn't even stop… I screamed your name, cursing you, telling the world how much I hate you but you didn't take a u-turn to get me off the highway…
I cursed you that night. Telling myself that I would never get back to you again.
3 years later I'm writing this letter and I don't know where to address it. Mr. Park told me you moved after college. Renjun or anyone you might know, doesn't have any contact with you and I don't know what to feel about it. I wanted to talk to you again. I want to hug you and tell you I'm sorry but I was being a fool if I really do that, right? This is awful, this doesn't sound like a letter at all!
I asked Renjun the other day why you two broke up back then. He said you liked some other guy… it was me, he told me. And you were crying because you didn't really want to lose Renjun, either… you're annoying. Crazy for being like that. You're infuriating, really.
But I really wrote this letter because I wanted to know where you are now… I still like you. I still think about you. The nights and hours we spent are still in my mind, and it plays over and over whenever I'm sad. It doesn't help me at all. I just want to know where you are now because the last time we saw each other was at graduation. Your eyes were red and cheeks were puffy. You cried, I realized. And I never knew what the reason was…
I saw your instagram last week, though. You're already happy with your new relationship. Jeno, was it? Yeah… congratulations. I want to send this to you to tell you that you completed my whole life. It was… not good when we fell apart. You were the last big piece but you're already completing someone else now… I'm happy for you. Let's see each other when we're both ready. I'm still living right next door, in that old white house. And sometimes, I swear, I hear your sobs in the windows at night.
Maybe next time,
Lee Donghyuck.