Chapter Text
Life hadn’t turned out quite as Jimmy had envisioned for Saul Goodman. He still remembers his outburst toward Howard, when he'd claimed to be a God, shooting lightning bolts through his fingertips. He had to laugh at that now.
When he’d fallen, rather unceremoniously if anyone asked him, into the ‘Amigo del Cartel’ position, he’d imagine something different. The lightning-bolt-shooting god couldn’t be further from how he felt right now. He was a pawn, a servant. He followed orders. He didn’t have clients, he had owners. That much was set in the clear by Walt. And Mike. Jesus! Mike, who he’d known for years and had been doing this thing with for the same amount, had let Saul see just what he meant to him. He was just a means to an end to Mike. And the hit man would not hesitate to get rid of him if he ever came in the way of his work. That hurt Saul the most. He had no one around him he could trust and no one looking out for him. Save for Huell, maybe. But honestly, the guy wasn’t the quickest nor the most agile on his feet. If anyone intended to murder Saul, all they needed on their favor was to be faster than Huell. A rather easy feat.
So, fearing for his life was now a constant in Saul’s mindset. He lived on the edge of a phone call that would put an end to life as he knew it. Everything he’d built. Gone. So, it was in a moment of either stupid bravado or mental clarity, that Saul made the weak attempt to cut his ties with quite possibly his most dangerous client to the date. Well, maybe second most dangerous after Lalo.
Of course, Walt hadn’t taken Saul’s decision very well. And he was now slowly and dangerously rounding Saul’s desk to meet him on the other side and corner him against the wall.
“We’re done when I say we’re done.”
It was embarrassing how easily Walt could control him. Just a stern look coupled with invasion of personal space was enough. Unlike with Jesse. With the kid, Walt went out of his way to create elaborated lies and plans to steer him in the direction he wanted. This was not at all like that. And Saul knew why. Walt simply didn’t care enough to take any other measures than violence or intimidation. Or maybe it was because, unlike Jesse, Saul was terrified of Walt and Walt knew it.
“On your knees.”
The man’s voice pulled Saul back from his musings. He was still somewhat cornering him against the wall, but he’d given the lawyer a bit of breathing space.
“Did you hear what I said?”
Oh, he’d heard.
“Uh-sorry…no,” He replied through a nervous chuckle, daring, if only briefly, to meet the man’s eyes.
“On your knees, Saul.”
Gulping, he forced himself to meet Walt’s cold eyes. Saul knew he was pushing his luck here, but he’d do anything to prolong the inevitable. “What…what for?”
“Guess.”
“Wh-what’re you…?” Saul stuttered. “C’mon. You’re not…serious...are you?”
“Do you want me to demonstrate you just how serious I am?”
When Walt finally let go of his hair and tucked himself back in, Saul could finally regain his normal breathing rate. He dried the tears that had gathered at the corners of his eyes with his sleeve, tears provoked by too much gagging. Apparently, Saul sucked at sucking dick. But Walt didn’t comment on it, bless him. He’d just patted his head and called him a good boy. Jeez. Saul had been so terrified earlier that this humiliation seemed like a good outcome in his fucked up mind. At least he was still in one peace. And he’d always had a talent for burying his trauma-induced emotions so deep within himself, he forgot they were there in the first place. Plus, he’d earned himself an Atta-boy, thirsty for recognition as he was, Saul almost took pride in it. So really, this could’ve gone a lot worse. Except…
“Yo, what just happened?”
Hurriedly, but with some difficulty, Saul pulled himself up from behind his desk to face the younger man. His mouth tasted like dick and he was sweating, but he naively prayed that his state wasn’t an obvious giveaway of what’d just happened.
At least Walt had taken off. He could barely deal with one angry meth dealer at once.
“Uh…hi...Jesse. What business brings you here?”
Jesse ignored him, scrutinizing him with a deep frown. “Mr. White roughed you up or something?”
“Huh?” Saul asked anxiously, fixing his tie.
“Mr. White just left and he like…smirked at me. And you’re there like…getting up from behind your desk and fixing your clothes…and your hair’s a mess.”
Saul swallowed thickly and nudged his mind to think fast. C’mon, anything would do.
“Sure, kid, kick a man when he’s down. I know clock’s ticking up here, fast,” he tried to joke it off, pointing a finger at his hair and forcing his happy-go-lucky mask back on. “Your partner just came for some…marriage counsel,” he said with air quotes. “But if you ask me, that ship has sailed.”
He was so used to lying it came natural to him. But right now, the words leaving his mouth sounded so fabricated that Saul was sure Jesse would see through them. Jesse had seen enough and there was no way Saul could explain why he’d been kneeling next to his desk nor why his clothes and hair were so disheveled after his meeting with Walter.
Glaring at him, Jesse slowly lifted an accusatory finger to Saul’s face. “Uh…just in case you haven’t noticed…ya got something in the corner of your mouth.”
“What—” Saul gasped and ran the sleeve of his teal shirt over the corner of his mouth. It came out damp. Holy shit.
Jesse was glaring daggers at him now and Saul felt the imperative need to run away. Like, literally sprint out of his office as fast as his bad knees could carry him, but that would give him away, wouldn’t it?
“Look, kid. I’m busy today. Just…come back tomorrow, yeah? I’ve got some…errands that need to be run and clients that need my assistance way more than you do.” He made a dismissive hand gesture with an obviously trembling hand, but Jesse just stood there with his arms crossed over his chest. Fucking Brat.
“You got time for Mr. White, but not for me? Why? Cuz he’s got a bigger—”
Saul butted in. “Okay, kid. Whatever it is you think—”
“Ego than me,” Jesse finished pointedly, cutting him off, but it was clear he’d meant dick. Figuratively speaking, of course. Or maybe not. Saul didn’t know the extent of the relationship between the two. Who knew if they’d measured dicks during cooking breaks to pass the time?
Saul cleared his throat to reply. “How I plan my schedule is none of your business.”
“You’re my lawyer. It is my business.”
“No,” Saul chuckled nervously. “Your business is my business, not the other way around.”
Jesse shrugged. “You sure don’t wanna tell me? Might do you good.”
Saul eyed Jesse with some mistrust as he stepped closer to his desk, his eyes adverting briefly to make sure Walt had taken the cigarrete with him. He knew the kid was volatile and vengeful. And him and thinking-things-over went in opposite directions. If Jesse ever found out about the cigarette, even if he’d had little to do with what Walt had done to Brock and had lacked valuable information to be really involved, Saul had not a doubt Jesse would fuck him up. And the worst part of it, he would deserve it, because technically speaking, he did play a part in it. He wondered if Jesse would go Walt on him too to put him in his place. The mere idea made him dizzy and Jesse made to grab him, but Saul stepped back and grabbed onto his desk with his right hand while he put his other hand as a barrier between him and Jesse.
“I’m fine…just, please come back some other time. Contrary to what you might believe, kid, my life doesn’t revolve around the two of you.”
“I’ll go. When you tell me why was Mr. White here,” Jesse continued his stubborn prodding.
“Look, kid, I don’t mind being your personal chauffer or your errand boy or your baby sitter as well as your counselor slash lawyer, but that doesn’t give you the right to demand just anything from me.”
“Why not? I’m paying you. Isn’t that what you’re all about? Money?” Jesse said spitefully and pulled out a handful of dollar bills. “How much for the info?”
Offended, Saul glared at the younger man. “You’re one to talk. What’s in cooking meth for you? Personal enrichment? Spiritual awakening perhaps?”
“10 grand?” Asked Jesse, completely ignoring him. “20?”
“Jesus, talking to you is like talking to a brick wall! There’s nothing to tell, okay?” Saul replied, exasperated by now. “Besides, even if there was, that’s between your Mr. White and me. Client-attorney privileges.”
“Having his cock sucked by you is part of those privileges? Next to the cheap 5% you’re charging him?” Jesse spat. Saul tensed up and looked down at his desk to escape the intrusive eyes. “He probably did it to shut down your incessant talking.”
Saul pursed his lips, reluctant to continue to be abused. “Don’t you have someone else to go pester? Why don’t you go pay your girlfriend a visit and leave me be?”
Jesse didn’t answer. He was just standing there, judging him. Saul rolled his eyes. He didn’t have the energy for this.
“C’mon. Speak up. You’re acting strange, yo. What’s up with your…like, attitude,” Jesse waved his hands around to emphasize. “So not like your normal, cheery self.”
Ha! Saul had to laugh internally. This was the real him. A failure. A downer. He’d never be more than that. Saul Goodman was his Tyler Durden. Inside, he was still Jimmy McGill. Chuck’s loser baby brother. The result of past mistakes and nothing more than that.
“If you came here for a laugh, I’ve got bad news, kid. I’m not feeling all that jolly at the moment.”
“Why? Didn’t you enjoy it? Was Mr. White too rough with you?”
Saul pursed his lips and eyed the kid angrily. Jesse was going to continue to bully him, apparently.
With a dismissive wave of his hand, Saul reached down underneath his desk for his forgotten jacket and his hand came in contact with a sticky substance. He vaguely remembered Walter cleaning himself with it. He was unable to hold back the sob that wretched out of his throat.
Wait. What was that sob about? Was it because of Walt’s assault or Jesse’s current abuse?
Thankfully, that small sob changed Jesses’ approach completely. “Saul?”
It was remarkable seeing Jesse in a different mood other than drowning in his own misery, pissed off or drugged out of his mind, barely acknowledging his surroundings. The young man’s entire attention was now fixed on him and there was something akin to worry in his eyes. It’d been so long ago that Saul had seen anyone worrying about him or having any reaction toward him other than annoyed or fed up. It made him uneasy.
Saul tried to walk around his desk to exit his office through the back-alley door, but Jesse stopped him by grabbing his arm back and forcing Saul’s back against the wall. Saul hated that he was so easily intimidated. The fear escalated when he felt Jesse’s hand dig into his pants.
“What do you want from me?” Saul whined pathetically. He let his arms hang down his sides. His stained jacket sliding to the floor as his head hung in shame. To Saul’s relief, the intruding hand had only been aiming for his car keys. He let out a shaky breath. “You’re stealing my car now? Haven’t you harassed me enough?”
“Come, I’ll drive you home.”
After standing there numbly for a few seconds, Saul followed Jesse out the back and they both walked in silence to his Caddy. Jesse stole a glance his way before he walked over to the driver’s side and opened the door.
Saul fished out his phone and dialed his office phone. He brought the equipment to his ear with a trembling hand. “Francesca, something came up. I need you to cancel all my clients for the day. Be a dear and reschedule for tomorrow, yeah?” he informed his secretary and hung up before she could even reply. He then got into his car and silently, put on his seatbelt. He avoided making eye contact with Jesse, afraid of what he might find there.
“Look, I don’t know what happened but…know that you can tell me,” Jesse said half way to his house. Saul didn’t answer. He only limited to give brief directions, but deep inside, he was thankful that he could get to shut down just this one time and let someone else take over. Have someone be there for him for a change. God, he’d missed that.
A pang of years ago buried pain threatened to resurface. He’d never been good at facing his emotions, so he preferred to lock them in a safe, keep them buried deep inside and forget they were even there in the first place. He’d buried so much shit over the years, that if that dam ever broke, it would all hit him at once and he’d probably die of devastation.
They arrived there shortly. Saul mauled over how smart it had been to let the kid know his address. Probably not at all. But he was just too exhausted to give it much thought.
“What?” he asked Jesse when he caught him staring.
Jesse rubbed the back on his neck as he looked away. “Nothing, just…never seen ya like this.”
Saul smirked sadly. “That’s cuz’ you’ve only met Saul Goodman.”
Jesse turned his head at him in confusion. “Wait…ain’t that you, tho?”
“Just my alter ego,” he replied before closing the passenger seat door.
Jesse got out too and handed back his keys. Saul took them and walked up to his door.
“I uh…thank you for—”
“I can stay for bit.”
“Nah, you go home. It’s okay, kid. I’m okay.”
“It’s no problem.”
Saul battled with himself for a moment. A part of him wanted desperately to be left alone. To be back in his comfortable loneliness and feel sorry for himself for an hour or two and then go on with his life as if nothing had happened. But another part craved human contact. He’d ignored that needy, clingy part of himself for too long and it was demanding attention now. It was stronger than him and against his better judgement, Saul found himself asking Jesse to stay.
They both entered his house and Saul closed the door, the sound echoing through the walls. His place had always been rather depressing. Neat and tidy and just a tad too big for just himself. And whenever he came back and hung his professional persona up in the hanger, the cold arms of loneliness and reality wrapped around him and held him until he crossed the door again and was back in business.
“Nice place.”
Saul hummed in weak agreement. “Look, I’m gonna take a shower. There’s probably some beer in the fridge. And maybe some food. Who knows at this point? But go ahead and help yourself to whatever you can find. I’ll be right back.”
While in the shower, Saul contemplated his options. In movies, whenever the characters found themselves in similar positions as he, they showered thoroughly because, of course. There was another man’s cum sticking to his skin, so rubbing an exaggerated amount of soap over it seemed like the right way to go. So, that’s what he did, ‘cuz the only other option was letting his trembling legs give and cry his heart out in a fetal position as the hot water did the job for him.
With a towel wrapped around his waist, Saul walked back to his room to fetch clean clothes. Grey sweat pants and a plain, white t-shirt. He studied his reflection in the mirror quizzically, knowing that his outfit would get him some comments from Jesse. Yes, he did have clothes outside his colorful, business suits. Why make such a big fuss about of it.
He made his way back to the living room and picked up the beer Jesse had apparently left for him on the coffee table next to his own.
“Yo…” Jesse exclaimed when he spotted him. He’d been busy playing with his phone.
“What,” Saul asked tiredly and took a small, refreshing sip.
“Thought you were someone else. Like…didn’t know you had…plain clothes.”
The kid seemed honestly shocked. It amused him.
“Yeah, well…when I’m home, I aim to blend in with the walls,” Saul quipped then let his body fall heavily on his couch. The one piece of furniture he actually felt proud off. It was like a damn hug and he didn’t get many of those any longer.
Jesse looked at him with intent. Saul started to fidget under the kid’s gaze. “What is it?” he asked nervously, palms suddenly sweaty, so he rubbed them over his thighs.
“Feel better?”
Nodding, Saul lifted the beer to his lips and took a big gulp. “Terrific.”
“Cool…cuz I need to ask you something.”
“Shoot.”
“Are you loyal?”
Frowning, Saul threw the kid a questioning glance. “Where’s this coming from?”
“Answer the question, Saul.”
“I’m loyal to my clients, yeah. If that’s what you’re asking.”
Jesse just shook his head, making a disapproving click with his tongue.
“What are you aiming at, exactly?”
“Are you loyal to me.”
“Yes. To you and your…uh,” Saul cleared his throat, “your partner.”
Jesse stood up fast. He was angry now.
“Yo, you see…that’s like messed up.”
“Jesse, I don’t know what you expect—"
“I need you to be loyal only to me. Not that asshole! You were my lawyer before Mr. White got in the way.”
Saul had to chuckle. “Look, I know you’re a smart young man…at least averagely speaking…so I’m assuming here that you’re aware that, as a lawyer, I can have many clients. I’m still your lawyer.”
Jesse kept staring him down with that wounded expression on his face.
Saul sighed, shaking his head. “What’s all this really about?”
“You guys fuck?”
“Jesus! No. We didn’t…fuck,” Saul sputtered, stunned by the kid’s boldness.
“But you sucked his cock,” Jesse stated, matter-of-factly.
“Uh…Jesse…I…” He’d brushed his teeth, showered and cleaned up every possible residue off his body with plenty soap, yet he still felt like Walt’s cum was soiling his skin. His mouth. He could still taste and feel the heavy member on his tongue.
“You offered or something?”
“What? No!” Saul was indignant. What did this kid think of him?
“Then what? He forced you?” Jesse said somewhat upset. “C’mon, yo. Walk me through it. What did he do to make you blow him? He threatened you or something?”
Silence. How could he explain to Jesse, shit, his own self, that Walter only had to walk up to him menacingly, stare at him and instruct him to get on his knees for him to comply? Sure, it felt like a threat and he’d been terrified. And maybe there were even parts of the ordeal Saul was blocking out, but at the end of it all, he had consented. Coerced into it, yes, but Saul couldn’t help but feel like he could’ve done more to prevent it.
“Saul…” Jesse hissed, catching Saul’s attention and he walked closer, slowly. Saul followed his every movement warily. His heart beat speeding up. When the kid was standing right in front of him, he leaned closer, rested both his hands next to Saul’s shoulders, on the back of the couch, to cage him. His big blue eyes wide and menacing.
“Are. You. Loyal. To. Me?”
Saul offered a shaky nod of his head, as he tried to press himself further into the couch. Anxious, he had to break the stare contest and he fixated on the thin space between Jesse’s and his own body. If he took too deep a breath, their chests would come in contact.
“Say it.”
That made Saul stare back into the intense blue pools.
“I’m loyal.”
“Loyal to who? I want, like, specifics.”
“You.”
Jesse inched even closer so that their breaths mingled. “Good.”
And just like that, lips came in contact with his own.
A kiss? Wait-what?
Pressing back further into the couch, for there was nowhere else to go, Saul broke the kiss. “Kid. What’re you—”
“Shut up and kiss back, Saul.”
The soft lips returned. They were demanding, but there was gentleness in them, and Saul was intrigued. Or maybe it was the daze of this whole crazy ass day, but he found himself complying and parting his lips to invite the younger man in.
Breaking the kiss, Jesse started fumbling with his own belt. Saul licked his lips in anticipation. Strangely, this was so different from before. For starters, he wasn’t scared as he’d been with Walter. And there wasn’t that air of wrongness in the atmosphere. But Saul needed to test the waters.
“Stop.”
As Saul had anticipated, or hoped more like, Jesse stopped at once.
“You want this, Saul. Don’t ask me to stop.”
“Oh, do I?”
“Yes, you do.”
Did he want this? Saul wondered where the kid got this confidence regarding his sexual intentions. Sure, he wasn't all that hard to please and he was the opposite of demanding when it came to his sexual partners. Especially of late when it didn’t come easy for him to find free-of-charge suitors, but as far as Saul was concerned, Jesse had no information on these matters. However, having Jesse, young and handsome as he was, huffing and licking his lips with anticipation as he stared at him of all people, through lust-filled eyes did things to Saul. So, it was with a tentative smile that he prompted Jesse to keep going. Because, what the hell? So he'd have sex with another man for the second time that day. Big deal. And actually, he was actually quite thrilled about the idea.
Huffing in annoyance, Jesse let out a soft chuckle and he lowered enough so his forehead was pressed gently against Saul’s. “Don’t be a fucking tease, asshole.”
Saul was kissed again, but only briefly for Jesse pulled back to push his pants down.
At this, Saul threw a cushion on the floor and moved to kneel on it.
“What’re you doing?” Asked Jesse.
“Um…I have bad knees...so if we’re doing this, I gotta have—”
“No-like...what do you think we’re doing?”
“Thought you wanted me to blow you,” he told Jesse as he got back on the couch.
“Nah, I want something Mr. White hasn’t gotten his old man dick in.”
Saul frowned in confusion, though realization dawned pretty quickly after. Oh.
“Got any lube?”
Wide eyed, Saul opened and closed his mouth, for once at a loss for words.
“Yo. You with me? Asked you if you got any lube.”
“Uh…yeah. I do…have…um…lube,” he stuttered with a frown.
“Where?”
“My bedroom…right drawer,” Saul replied, swallowing hard, unsure if he was ready for something like this. This felt like ten steps too far.
“Like…go get it.”
“Oh. Right.”
Saul did as he was told, deliberately taking longer than it actually took to retrieve the small bottle from his drawer. His hands were shaky as he held it against his belly.
Should he bolt? More importantly, did he want to bolt?
“Yo, hurry up,” Jesse called.
“Uh…coming!”
Deciding the best route to take would be to just confront Jesse about it and tell him his thoughts, Saul walked out of his bedroom. The only problem was that he didn’t have many thoughts at the moment. Just emotions. His stomach a mess of butterflies flopping about. He never really understood why people thought of butterflies to describe such a sensation, because that stomach anxiousness was anything but pleasant and didn’t seem to be caused by butterflies’ delicate wings. Felt more like a huge ass bird, tumbling about and making him nauseous.
“Here it is,” he announced once back in the living room.
Jesse got up from the couch. “Great,” he said and took the small bottle from Saul’s hand. He was still in his underwear, but now had lost his hoodie and t-shirt. Saul’s eyes trailed over the young man’s lithe form on instinct.
The sight was actually pleasant to the eyes, Saul thought with some surprise, given he’d never looked at men that way. Not since right now.
“Couch,” was Jesse’s loquacious choice of wording to tell Saul to get on the couch.
“Jesse, wait—”
Jesse, who’d been uncapping the small bottle and he was proceeding to shove his hand down the front of his boxers, stopped mid-way and threw Saul an exasperated, ‘what.’
“Have you…done this before? I mean…do you know how—”
Jesse huffed. “Have sex? Really, man?”
Saul threw his hands up in defense. “Look, I’m just making sure you will do everything that’s needed.”
“Would you just shut up for once?” Jesse said, already fed up, like he always was around Saul, so nothing new there. “I’m not going to like, hurt you, or anything…if that’s what you’re so worried about.”
“And you will stop if I need you to?” Saul probed, index pointing in Jesse’s direction.
“Uh…Yeah,” Jesse said matter of fact. “I’m not like…some rapist or something.”
“Alright then. So, I guess…you can…go on?” He said, ending with a nervous chuckle.
Jesse rolled his eyes, but a tiny smirk was turning the corner of his lip upward. Saul decided he liked this slightly less gloomy side of Jesse. He also decided he really enjoyed being the younger man’s center of attention, or anyone for that matter, if even for a moment. It thrilled him too, knowing that Mr. White was probably far from Jesse’s thoughts for now. It did the kid well to be rid of the devil on his shoulders. Again, if only for a moment.
“So,” Saul said, clapping his hands cheerily, suddenly very into what was going to happen in a few minutes. “Where did you say you wanted me?”