Chapter Text
Mari spent a lot of time kneeling in front of her bed and not because of Hero, this time at least. No, she was finding power in the Lord to resist. Through God all things were possible, his power was endless, and as his daughter, all she had to do was ask. “Dear Lord, deliver me from temptation. I am just a Perfect girl, with no shortcomings, suffering from the impurity of others.”
Of course, it was someone else’s fault, not Mari’s. It was cashier's fault for wearing a low-cut shirt that encouraged Mari to look at the SIN that was the female form. It was Hero’s mom’s fault for bending over and showing her a rear she wanted to bury her face in! It was not her weakness of will, it was the exotic curves of Basil’s new caretaker. Just seeing her made Mari need to go to bible study asap! That skin, the hair, THOSE BIG TI-
NO, she needed to pray for these temptresses! It was their fault for being so tempting, and not looking plain, boring, and unflattering like herself. How could they call themselves good Christians without hiding away their natural forms to not tempt others? After all, it was wrong to assume men (or Mari’s) could resist the sight of soft flesh, of any part of a woman. They were asking for it, really.
These thoughts were strong, obscene, so tempting….No, she needed to pray this demon out of her soul, this being that tempting devil, women. The gay was trying to pry her away from the word of the lord, and she would refuse! “Lord, I’m not a dyke, I promise! Help me banish these thoughts from my mortal soul. I wish to join you in the kingdom of heaven. I will fall and be a daughter of sodom if I am tempted by every pair of sinful girl lips, they are so smoochable.”
NO, she was losing the battle for her heterosexuality, and with that, her mortal soul! She couldn’t ascend to heaven face deep in fat tiddies. She prayed, and prayed, and prayed, her forehead throbbing with holy effort. She would banish all gay thoughts and replace them with Jesus! Well, maybe one or two gay thoughts, as a treat. She just kept praying, an odd straining feeling filling her very core. She was so close, she pushed, one final time, mentally reciting every slur she knew before she BURST, a shockwave knocking her into the wall as her mental homophobia echoed through the town.
Was that the fabled female orgasm? It didn’t feel as good as the internet said it did, but no matter. Did she succeed? She thought of Polly, her sun-kissed skin, her small smirk that she gained when she saw Mari, her thick, fat thighs. Nope, it didn’t work, the temptation was as strong as ever, but something had happened.
Peeking out of her room, it was oddly quiet. Kel and Sunny were playing downstairs, but not a peep echoed through the house. That was odd, as Kel could never shut his fucking mouth be it hell or high water. Creeping down the stairs, she peeked into the living room and found nothing. Well, Sunny’s shoes and socks were next to his pet rock, along with Kel’s light-up sketchers. Odd, Sunny never took off his shoes and socks, even to shower. Yet here they were.
Exploring the town, however, very few people are out and about. It was almost deserted, even the preacher was gone when she went to beg for forgiveness. She was at her wit’s end, then she remembered her shining light, her HUNK, the most male-male in the history of the world, Hero! However, when she came barging in, uninvited, nobody was there. Normally this would be rude but this was Mari, she could, obviously do no wrong. Huh, he wasn’t here despite saying that he was going to do his chores instead. It was a bit fruity to do womanly duties, but she overlooked it.
At her wit’s end, she headed to the home of the great temptress herself. If Sunny could be convinced to take his shoes off by anyone, it was Basil. He was a sweet good boy, he sang into courier, even did charity work. Too bad that fruit was going to hell, no doubt. The way he walked, the way he talked and looked at her brother… That limp wristed boy was going to drag her brother into the dark depths of hell. She would have to exorcise the dick-sucking spirit that was brewing within the 16 year old.
However, when contemplating how she would beat it out of him, she came upon a ghastly sight. Basil’s body crumpled onto the ground, his leg popped into a wrong angle, the other ankle twisted oddly, both arms spread behind his back, sticking out at crooked. His face planted into the wet dirt that was quickly turning into mud below him. But what shook her was above it, the apparition hovered. Sighing, it dragged a transparent hand down its face, the bag’s more visible on the pale as death skin. Its lower half just the tail of a cartoon ghost. “Of course my body ends up in the most embarrassing pose physically possible.”
Mari accidentally kicked a bucket as she slowly backed away from the specter. His neck whipped in her direction. “YOU, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO MARI, WHY AM I A GHOST.” She held up her crucifix, shaking. “BACK FIEND, I WIL-” It was quickly snatched and flung into the tomatoes. “I’m Christian Mari, why would it affect me, you dipshit! WHAT. DID. YOU. DO”
“It’s rude to assume I did-” She was interrupted by Basil interrupting with a glare. “Mari, my soul was knocked out of my body via a shockwave of slurs being said in your voice. How, in any conceivable universe, is this NOT YOUR FAULT.”
“SHUT UP, I CAN’T BE WRONG, YOU KNOW THIS” She tried to jab her finger into his chest, but it just went through. “Mari, we’ve been over this. You can be Christian, and be WRONG. They are not mutually exclusive you dumb bitch!’ His words fell on deaf ears, like always, Mari decided to talk about something else. Not because he was right, because it's what she wanted.
“It’s not my fault you got the soul knocked out of your sinful body! Clearly, your gay ways had weakened the bond between your soul and your body! Maybe it fell out of your gaping rear.” Mari held her head up high, looking down at the ghost, well, she would have if he didn’t just hover higher. “It’s Adam and Eve, not Ad-”
“Mari I’m not gay.”
Her entire worldview was shattering in front of her, he wasn’t gay? But his hair, his shoes, him squealing like a pussy at even the smartest startles! It couldn't be true right? Her homophobia witch hunting skills were finely honed, gleaned from her mild interest in women. Okay, moderate desire of women. Okay, complete obsession with every feature of the female form.
“I’m bisexual you dipshit. Now can you grab my body and drag me out of the mud? I don't want it to drown-”
“HAH I KNEW IT, THAT'S JUST A SECRET WORD THE GAYS USE FOR THEIR DOUBLE AGENTS. You want to corrupt my brother with your sinful ways by pretending to like the proper sex. And then, you’ll seduce him with men’s fashion and higher property values! Then you'll lead him to the true evil, reproductive rights, and using rainbows! Rainbows aren't yours, their gods!”
Basil just stared at her this entire rant, this wasn’t the first time she had gone off on some kind of unhinged homophobic rant. “Did you hear this one from Reddit, or 4Chan this time?” That was meant to be sarcastic but her eyes lit up, oh Jesus no.
“Not this time! Although they aren’t right with the lord, they at least know the truth about THE GAY AGENDA. I learned this from OwnTheLibtards1966! I..” By divine intervention, this boomer bullshit was interrupted, with the sound of the holy host.
Seven trumpets blare as a beam of light hits the wet soil, radiant flowers blooming at the contact. On white wrings he descended, perfect ebony skin, glistening abs, and muscle upon muscles as he landed gently onto this earthly realm. His eyes were shrouded with a hood. The most male being Mari had laid her eyes on, but it did nothing for her. Huh, it must be the shock of seeing such a holy being.
“Of course it was your bullshittery broke the fabric of reality ” Ramsi, whose name they just knew, somehow, facepalmed. Mari was stunned, this wasn’t holy behavior! “Hey, you shouldn't swear! You're an emissary of God!” Basil was treated to this buff hunk of a flying man making a jerkoff motion and blowing a raspberry at Mari. Okay, maybe getting the soul knocked out of it was worth it. “ Yes child, I can't take the lord’s name in vain, but I can tell you how badly you fucked up.”
“You somehow prayed so hard, you banished everyone that wasn’t straight within a two-mile radius. Even Jesus is confused about how exactly you managed that! No, your ego was strong enough to do this!” Basil was just in awe of this lad. Mari was always able to skirt by with her lunatic behavior. She was the perfect child, a loving sister. Basil loved Mari, but Jesus did she have an ego and strange ideas that seemed to change by the week! Her being called out by some pillar of authority was orgasmic. Besides the fact, Ramsi looked like a greek god helped things. All he was missing was Sunny feeding him grapes and this look would be completed.
“WAIT SUNNY WAS BANISHED? WHERE?! HE’S MY…” Mari was glaring daggers at him, waiting for him to slip up. Thankfully, her ego had provided an answer to this problem years ago. “He’s my very good friend, and when we go to college, roommates! I care about him DEEPLY.”
The angel sighed as he looked at Mari. “This one banished them all to hell, except you. Apparently, she doesn't think bisexuality exists, so it separates your soul from your corporeal form.” Picking up the comatose body of basil, he brushed off the dirt before depositing him into a wagon. “ I’m going to get all the others you banished, but unfortunately….She’ll have to retrieve your friends, and fix you.”
“B-but they were queer and here! Aren’t they all going to end up in hell anyway? I just sped up the lord’s work!” Mari couldn’t comprehend that she had done wrong, no, her mother had instilled in her a sense that she would always do right, and do no wrong! She had the three nervous breakdowns to prove it damn it. Besides, if she had made a mistake, it was for the best, surely!
“Mari, Man was made in God’s image, as well as Woman, and also the hippo, bull, and peacock, a little less so. Of course, he would be attracted to what he created.” Ramsi just gestured to himself “ God made the Angels, and most of us look like Jojo OC’s! Do you really think God, in any way, shape, or form, is strait, and or, hates the gays?”
Mari just nodded her empty, empty head and gave a thumbs up. “Yes, of course, he does, he’s testing me with filthy female flesh right?”
“NO, YOU STUPID CUNT, HE’S OMNISEXUAL. You don’t automatically go to hell if you’re not straight. Sweet baby Jesus you are stupid!”
“I get it…” Mari whispered to herself, slowly stroking her chin. Had Ramsi done it, had he broke through her thick woman lusting skull? Before he was about to get his hopes up, the twink apparition just grabbed his shoulder and shook his head. “Just, just wait, the spiral is gonna start. She's going to somehow convince herself she's right. It’s easier to let her burn herself out.”
“This a test! Yes, a test of my conviction! I can't take this weirdo in a toga seriously, there's no proof he's an angel! Maybe he's a cosplayer..yeah….”
“I’m...I’m so sorry Basil, but got gave me orders to give her a quest to save your friends from hell. Seems demons find your friends...adorable?” It was odd to see one of the heavenly host sheepish, but well, here we are.
Basil rolled his eyes “Wait, where is Sunny?”
Sunny was having a fantastic time! He was warm, he had a big fuzzy blanket, and was surrounded by cats! It had been a bit scary when a bunch of slurs knocked him off his feet, but honestly, this wasn’t that weird. Sure, finding himself in an opulent house, with a garish gold and red motif was a start. However, having what seemed like endless new cats to pet made any worry he had melt. Maybe he was knocked out and this was his sleep deluded fantasy. Anyway, he wasn’t questioning it.
As he pet a rather fat tabby, who he named Taffy for his blob-like orange appearance, his nemesis charged through the open door. Oh, he was asleep then. Omori was his self-proclaimed nemesis, claiming that he was meant to kill his sister. Honestly, he was harmless, besides his apparent need for sibling murder. He was a 12 year old with a knife that showed up now and then when he slept. He would scream that Mari was overbearing, and a perfectionist, then tell him to throw his violin down the stairs.
Honestly, it didn’t make much sense, like most dreams. Sunny thought he was referring to the recital incident, but that was resolved by talking to each other. Omori, however, was convinced that wasn’t meant to happen, and just kept trying to recreate some dumb event that was meant to happen.
“HAH! I found you, ya emo shit! You thought you could escape my torment by teleporting into my boss’s house? Think again, I can touch you now, I’m going to-”
“I’m not going to kill my sister Omori. That makes no sense, sure she’s a bit arrogant and gullible, but not bad enough to kill. Although her new kick is slightly...annoying.”
He just ignored the monochromatic child, who stomped his foot indignantly. He should be scared of him! He was a sleep demon and all Sunny did was keep petting cats! To be fair they did look fluffy, one pet wouldn’t hurt, right? NO, he had a job to do
“Fine, no more subtly, no more weird dreamlands, and NO MORE GAMES. I’M JUST GOING TO STAB YOU!.”
And he did. He cackled as he plunged the knife into Sunny’s back over and over and over. He was filling out his purpose, his ONE DESIRE. And there was...no stab wound? His knife just bent comically with each stab and Sunny’s shoulders were shaking? What the...
“I replaced your knife with a rubber one like...two years ago. Was seeing how much of my dreams I could control. How did you not notice child me?”
Omori was shaking now, and Sunny was endlessly amused. Although he was in no hurry to grow up, there were some perks. Besides being able to take Basil out to eat, he could tease younger kids with ease. Speaking of Basil, Omori seemed to be an inch away from throwing a Basil flavored tantrum.
“I...YOU...I’LL KILL YOU”
“Omori, you missed your chance, relax.”
Both boys whipped over to look at the leaning figure in the entrance to this quaint living room. Before their eyes stood the stereotypical devil. The red-skinned, lanky form was just clad in a fuzzy robe that hung off his form. His black hair and goatee wet from the bath, he dried off his face with a hand towel before it burst into flames. The bags under his eyes and the glass of wine told Sunny one thing. He was in tired wine mom mode, and he should keep his mouth fucking shut.
“B-but he was so close! All he had to do was throw his violin down the stairs, and push his sister onto it! Then not realize she was most likely still alive, and just knocked out. Then Basil would see it all, after coming over at the perfect time, and help frame it as a suicide! Then the paramedics and cops would not notice this obvious set-up, and the”
The Devil snapped and Omori no longer had a mouth. A muffled scream followed as they clawed at where their flapping gob used to be. The Devil just pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed.
“And you failed and stayed with a perfectly normal kid for 4 years. Instead of reporting back as you should have. Effectively goofing off because of pride? Omori, I’m very disappointed in you young man.”
Omori just hung their head as the red demon just walked over and pat his head.
“Look, we all fail sometimes. That’s okay! But you cant waste more time trying to salvage a situation that’s already over and done, okay champ?”
He waited for a reply, and god none as Omori just stared at him, deadpan, with no mouth.
“Oh shit, sorry”
His mouth was returned as Omori took a deep breath, apparently, he was close to passing out. Panic could make you forget you have a nose it seems.
“Yes sir...I just didn’t want to let you down.”
“It’s okay kid, just go to the assignment office and get a new one. No break for you considering your extended absence. Oh, and take that ridiculous outfit off.”
Omori sighed as he was engulfed in crimson flame, his disguise being torn off violently in a burst of hellfire. He looked the same, just with a tiny pair of black horns on his forehead. He slunk off as the Devil slumped, letting his authoritative posture being replaced with exhaustion.
“Sorry about that. Young demons always jump the gun.” He just flopped down on a pillow next to Sunny, grabbing a rugged-looking ally cat that melted under his rubs. Sunny felt like there should be more, questions he should be asking. Why was he in the Devil’s fucking house? How did he get here? Why was there a demon that looked like a monochrome doppelganger of him at 12 years old, plus horns? However, these questions were unimportant. There were cats to pet.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN MY BOYFRIENDS SOUL WAS YEETED INTO SATANS FUCKING HOUSE.” Hell hath no fury like a BBasil scorned it seemed. Ramsi shrunk slightly at this verbal assault, thankfully, Mari was too busy deluding herself to notice. “To be fair, Satan is pretty chill. He won’t do anything to him, most likely.”
“Most LIKELY?! That cute ass better not have a single scratch on it, or I will FUCKING PLUCK YOU LIKE A CHICKEN. After I lynch Mari for starting this whole fucking mess.”
“Speaking of her, why are you friends with such an uh….questionable person.” He glanced over to her, she was talking to herself in a pocket mirror now. “ She doesn’t seem that pleasant.”
“Normally she isn’t like this. Mari is a nice, smart person, without a bad bone in her body. Buuuuttttt…” Basil rolled his eyes, gesturing at the neurotic mess. “She is sorta gullible, and easily influenced. She went to one bible study before she came back for summer break, and she was like this. She only went for the free brownies.”
“Wait, a few hours around some homophobes and she?...”
“Yea, she's all in. It wasn’t this bad before she got access to the internet, but with a smartphone and a 12-hour bus ride…. Ugh, this is the worst one too, at least some of them were fun! Communest Mari just spent a lot of time shitting on capitalism, and sharing food”
“Based”
“I know right?! Well, until she started to try and kick people off of private land. Then we gotta deprogram her by binge-watching Sweetheart movies for a few hours. We make a day out of it, it’s fun.”
Ramsi blinked. “Wait, how many different times has this happened?”
“Let’s see...Magic Mari, cottagecore Mari, emo Mari, Nice girl Mari.”
“Hasn’t she been dating Hero for years?”
Basil rolled his eyes. “Yea and he tries his best, he really does, but combine narcissism with self-delusion, and you get one hell of an odd set of quirks.”
“So why is she still like this? Can’t you just fix her?”
Basil groaned as he rubbed his temples “We could, but it’s harder this time. She’s stronger than me so I can’t tie her up on my own this time, and Kel was at basketball camp all this week. Hero was on his way back today, and Aubrey is too busy making out with Kim. And Sunny!….”
“Let me guess, doesn’t want to tie up his sister?”
“No, he finds it hilarious. He never is helpful in these situations. He just likes to watch the carnage unfold while quietly laughing. Says it “funny not to be the fuck-up for once.” The expression of anger melted before it had a chance to set “Man I love that little shit”
“What did you say?” Mari was suddenly upon them, half an hour of talking to herself in the mirror done. Even in his ethereal form, the boy was sweating.
“Wait, I’m a ghost! What the fuck can you do? I’m dating your brother. In fact, we’ve been dating for two years. TWO, and you pretend you forgot you helped us hook up you homophobic hoe! I’m not gonna tiptoe around this shit, just because you got THIRSTRAPPED by some bible thumper. I even did..did things with Sunny! Adult things, you know the things.” Basil felt exhilarated, floating on air even. Is this what standing up for yourself felt like? He needed to do this more often, hell, why didn’t he!? Maybe because he was blushing like mad? Or was it something else
Mari said nothing, with a blank face she simply pulled the pitchfork out of his compost pile. “HAH, that will do nothing to….me..” He just watched with growing concern as she just walked past him, towards his mortal shell. Oh yea, because he was a wimp and a light breeze could beat the shit out of him. “Oh, what am I gonna do? Well, I can't stab you, but let’s see how your body looks WITH SOME HOLES MY BROTHER HASN’T FILLED.”
“MARI NO, I HAVEN’T EVEN GOTTEN TO SECOND BASE YET”
Ramsi thankfully yanked it from her hands. “Jesus NO. We don’t have time for these petty squabbles! WHAT HAPPENED AT THAT BIBLE STUDY GROUP TO MAKE YOU LIKE THIS.”
Mari was too busy staring at the pretty redhead for the entire bible study to listen to what they were saying. Honestly, she just wanted their free brownies, and also just to burn the last two days before going home to Hero. And maybe do a little bit of mental window shopping. Honestly, she tuned out as soon as they started yelling about gay people. They were pretty homophobic, but free food was free food. And if Chick-fil-A proved anything, it's that hate made food taste better!
How could someone look THICC in a white robe? It took 4 full minutes of shaking Mari to snap back to reality. “Sister, are you unwell? You’ve been spacing out while we have talked about the horrors of the gay! Perhaps you need something to eat?” She was handed a brownie, that she happily scarfed down. It was hands down, the best thing she had eaten in her life. “If you want maybe you could come back to my dorm for some...private bible study?” Did this bitch blush? Was she coming onto her? Mari was straight but….. Well, DAMN if there was one person….
It turned out, it was just bible study. Not that surprising considering Samatha bragged about praying the gay out of her soul, but Mari was and always will be a sucker for a pretty face. Even her own, when she gave herself her hourly pep-talks, reassuring that she was the most perfect being she’d ever seen. Even Samantha agreed when they practiced how to tell gay teens how they should die! So this must all be fact!
“And then, she gave me a chaste kiss on the cheek! It was a good day.” Mari sighed as Basil caught some angelic side-eye “Why do you even hang out with her? She seems sorta...awful?”
“She’s our friend! Besides, she's kind and great to hang around with when she isn’t during one of her episodes.” He sighs. “Hell, she helped me and Sunny connect, she just seems to have conveniently forgotten when that redhead installed the homophobia into her head.”
“How attractive can some mo- Oh damn.” Basil just showed him on his phone. How a phone had enough of a soul to be emulated in the afterlife, only Apple would know. “Yea, I mean….damn. I can’t say any of us would have done any better.”
“I’m guessing she's some kinda temptation demon….Or something along those kinds of lines. How are we going to convince her to retrieve her friends from hell like this? We don’t have TIME to deprogram this dumbass.”
“Well, what’s the rush.”
“Satan has infinite cats at his disposal. And he’s hanging out with your boyfriend.”
“SHIT, I’ll kill Satan before he can steal MY man. Watch this.” Basil floated up to the suspicious-looking Mari. “Hey Mari, wanna know a secret. Only me and Sunny know it.” She continued to frown, but leaned in closer, making it a point to look away with him, muttering something about the weight of his sin.
“We were going to take you to Chuck E. Cheese when you got back. But, EVERYONE was gonna go you know.” Basil studied his nails, making it a point not to look at the slightly vibrating Mari. “Looks like we’re gonna have to cancel. Oh, what a shame-”
“SEND US TO HELL, I DONT CARE ABOUT THE GAY BUT I CARE ABOUT MY LORD AND MASTER CHARLES ENTERTAINMENT CHEESE” Ramsi was not used to humans touching him, or being able to shake him around like a limp noodle. She looked half possessed, eyes alight with desire for the robotic rat’s pleasure palace.
“Seriously...I...Ugh, forget it.” With a snap, an elevator sprung out of the ground. The doors opening to a gilded compartment with crushed velvet walls, and a small, hovering demon in a bellhops outfit. “ Beezles will take you where you need to go, and you’ll be safe with him.”
Basil was more than a little concerned about how the demon eyed his comatose body as it was pushed into the elevator via little red wagon, wincing a bit as it bumped. “Uh….and how will you guarantee that?”
“ Kid, happy wife, happy life.” *the imp swatted Ramsi’s ass, even under that hood they could see the blush. “ B-beeelze not in front of the kids.”
“Oh god, This is how I die, being trusted to an angel’s demonic fuckbuddy and my boyfriend’s temporarily homophobic sister.” He drifted in, Mari not following far behind, taking one of his spare shovels with her “Hey, I’ll return it, not going to clean and demon blood off it though. That’s gross.”
“If it’s this bad for me, how bad must it be for Sunny?...” With that thought, they descended, the blonde shaking at the imagined horrors lying in wait.
