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You're walking in the woods
There's no one around, and your magic isn't working
Out of the corner of your eye, you spot him.
He's following you, about 30 feet back
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint
He's gaining on you!
You're looking for your horse, but you're all turned around
He's almost upon you now, and you can see there's blood on his face!
My god, there's blood everywhere!
Running for your life from Uther Pendragon
He's brandishing a knife, it's Uther Pendragon
Lurking in the shadows, Camelot superstar Uther Pendragon
Living in the woods, Uther Pendragon
Killing for sport, Uther Pendragon
Eating all the bodies, actual cannibal Uther Pendragon
Now it's dark, and you seem to have lost him
But you're hopelessly lost yourself, stranded with a murderer
You creep silently through the underbrush
Aha! In the distance, a small cottage with a light on!
Hope!
You move stealthily toward it, but your leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!
Gnawing off your leg (quiet, quiet)
Limping toward the cottage (quiet, quiet)
Now you're on the doorstep
Sitting inside, Uther Pendragon
Sharpening an axe, Uther Pendragon
But he doesn't hear you enter, Uther Pendragon
You're sneaking up behind him
Strangling superstar Uther Pendragon
Fighting for your life with Uther Pendragon
Wrestling a knife from Uther Pendragon
Stab it in his kidney
Safe at last from Uther Pendragon
You limp into the dark woods, blood oozing from your stump leg
You've beaten Uther Pendragon
Wait! He isn't dead! Uther Surprise!
There's a gun to your head, and death in his eyes
But you can do Jiu Jitsu
Body Slam superstar Uther Pendragon
Legendary fight with Uther Pendragon
Normal Tuesday night for Uther Pendragon
You try to swing an axe at Uther Pendragon
But blood is draining fast from your stump leg
He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left
You counter to the right, you catch him in the neck
You're chopping off his head now
You have just decapitated Uther Pendragon
His head topples to the floor, expressionless
You fall to your knees and catch your breath
You're finally safe from Uther Pendragon
here is the video that inspired this if you haven't already seen it