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When Maki entered the medical ward, the first thing she noticed was how peaceful Nobara looked, despite the situation being anything but.
The room they were in was cold and sterile with its spotless, tiled floors and white walls— just the way Shoko-san preferred it. There wasn’t much furniture either, aside from a single chair and the operating table that the younger girl was resting on.
Maki approached the table. A white sheet was draped over Nobara’s body, as if she was a corpse at the morgue. Her chest didn’t move and there was no other indication of breath; Shoko-san’s cursed technique kept her in stasis as she healed. It was unnerving to see a girl so full of life now lack it completely. Maki didn’t like it.
Her eyes drifted back toward Nobara’s face, her gaze lingering. The gaping wound on the side of Nobara’s head stared back at her. It was a disgusting thing, the flesh warped and bone mangled beyond belief. Her eye was missing. Maki could see the damage that was done not only to her face, but inside her head as well. A part of her had expected to see nothing but a black hole, just a blotted out spot marking where the rest of Nobara should be.
It must’ve bled profusely before Shoko-san was able to stabilize her condition.
But Nobara didn’t look like she was in pain. She didn’t look like she could feel anything at all.
Maki figured she should be grateful for that. She sat down in the empty chair and continued to stare at her.
She didn’t know how long she’d been sitting there when Itadori’s voice interrupted the silence.
“Senpai.”
“Itadori.”
Silence.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
“No.”
Maki turned to look at him. For a kid, the expression on his face made him look like he’d aged ten years. The dark circles under his eyes were on par with Megumi’s and he had a couple of bandages on his face.
“You look like shit,” she said bluntly.
“You too, senpai.”
Maki managed a smirk. Her burns were still healing but she knew that she’d never look the same again. She was covered head to toe in spotted, charred flesh with a long gash on her right eye. Bandages were wrapped around her more sensitive burns and her eye could no longer open on its own.
“She’ll make it,” Itadori spoke again.
Maki knew the chances were closer to zero.
“Yeah.”
“She’s a fighter.”
“I know.”
It didn’t matter how hard you tried, though. Some battles just couldn’t be won.
“Are you going to stay here?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” He gave her a grin that didn’t reach his eyes. “Tell her I said hi, yeah?”
He left. Maki counted his footsteps as they grew further and further away. Once she couldn’t hear them any longer, she turned her attention back to Nobara. The chair screeched as she pulled it closer to the table. Maki reached under the sheet with caution, afraid she might somehow disturb Nobara’s rest if she moved too quickly. She slipped her fingers in between Nobara’s; they were dead cold.
“Itadori says hi,” she whispered.
***
Maki found that it helped when she talked to Nobara like she could hear her. She knew that she couldn’t but she did it anyway. It was what they used to do, back before all of this. They would take turns talking and listening, comforting each other in a way that the boys would never understand. Maki figured she would just be the one talking for a while this time.
Shoko-san finally bandaged her head wound too, so the angry, red hole was no longer staring back at her. Special black bandages charmed with Shoko-san’s cursed technique were wrapped tightly around it in hopes of speeding up the healing process.
“It’s not a guarantee,” she’d said while taking a drag of her cigarette. “But it’s the best I can do right now.”
With how many people were injured at Shibuya and her list of patients growing by the day, Maki was grateful that Shoko-san even bothered to check in on Nobara more than once a week. She wasn’t stupid; she knew that the first year was considered a low priority by the rest of the medical ward, with how abysmal her chances at survival were.
Still, she was thankful.
“A lot’s happened since Shibuya. It’s only been two weeks but it feels a lot longer. Megumi’s the head of the clan now,” Maki said while holding Nobara’s hand in hers. “He told me I should do it, but it didn’t feel right for me to take it. Not yet. Nobody in that family recognizes me. I can’t protect anyone if I become the Zenin clan head now.”
She could just imagine what Nobara would say to that.
“Ehhh??? But Maki-san is so capable! And Fushiguro is just Fushiguro,” she’d say.
Maki liked that about the younger girl. She’d never had anyone have such unwavering faith in her before meeting Nobara. Her friends knew she was strong and stupid Satoru knew she was better than the Zenin clan gave her credit for. Mai might have trusted her once, when they were younger and ignorant to the rest of the world. But Nobara was different. Nobara never held any grand expectations of her; she was content with who Maki was and had no doubt in who Maki wanted to be.
Nobara looked at her as if she was the rising sun in the sky.
“I’ll be the head one day, maybe I’ll challenge Megumi to a duel for it or something,” she said and chuckled. “But even if I don't, I think Megumi will be a good head. He won't let the clan stay the way it is for long."
She stroked her thumb along the back of Nobara's hand. It was still cold.
"You know, we're matching now," she said after a moment. "Feel this?" Maki leaned forward and brought Nobara's hand up to her scarred eye. "Something must've hit me during the explosion. I can't see out of it anymore. Maybe we could get matching eye patches. I feel like you'd like that."
Nobara would say something cheeky like, "Mine would have a red rose on it, for me, and yours would have one too, also for me."
And Maki would relent, because it was worth doing little things like that, if it meant that Nobara would smile. It was one of the things she missed most— Nobara’s toothy, carefree smile.
"I'm worried you might be upset when you wake up and see what happened," Maki said. She didn't dare touch the bandages in fear of messing up the healing process. "But I still think you're cute. Beautiful. A little scar won't make you any less."
Her eyes drifted down to her own body. She'd begun wearing long pants to cover the marks on her legs but feeling cloth on her arms irritated her so she kept her shirts sleeveless. They weren't so jarring to look at anymore but it was still a hard pill to swallow, the fact that this was the body she now had to live with.
"I wonder if you'd still look at me the same," she whispered to herself. For once she was thankful Nobara couldn't hear her. While she'd shared her insecurities with the younger girl before, they'd never revolved around her appearance. Maki wasn't used to feeling so uncomfortable in her own skin.
Staring at Nobara's still form, Maki somehow knew her doubts were unfounded.
"Maki-san is Maki-san, and I like you regardless."
Nobara had told her similar words right before the exchange event. They'd been in Maki's room, lounging on her bed with snacks abound, talking about everything and nothing at all. She'd never had that much fun or felt so relaxed since she decided to become a jujutsu sorcerer. It was crazy to think just how close she and Nobara had gotten. That night she let Nobara in just a little more, telling her about her complicated relationship with Mai.
"She's your sister so I guess I can't hate her too much," Nobara had said with a grumpy frown. "But I don't like her. She can't try to change who you are just because she doesn't want the same things. That's just selfish. Maki-san is Maki-san, and I like you just the way you are."
Maki remembered wanting to kiss her at that moment. It wasn't the first time she had such thoughts but the urge had never been so intense. She liked Nobara and she knew those feelings were returned on some level. But neither of them had made a move because they both knew something like that would change everything. Maki didn't want to admit it but she had been scared. Being a jujutsu sorcerer was much harder when you had something to lose.
She should've just said 'fuck it' and kissed her anyway. Losing Nobara was always going to hurt; the status of their relationship had no effect on that.
"When you wake up, I'll tell you how much you mean to me," Maki said and gently brushed back a strand of brown hair.
That day wasn't going to come.
***
Mai was dead.
Mai was dead, and it was all Maki's fault.
Guilt and anger were the only things she was capable of feeling. The fire that consumed her soul burned hotter than the one that scorched her skin. And with each passing day, Maki could feel herself withering away like ash. Everything had happened so quickly and she wasn't sure who she was anymore.
Maki stopped visiting Nobara after Mai's death. She couldn't bring herself to. How could she face Nobara after everything? Mai died because she wasn't strong enough. Maki had condemned her to a life she didn't want. Nobara was wrong; Mai wasn't the one who was selfish. It had always been Maki.
Mai was dead and she couldn't bear the thought of Nobara dying too.
"She did what she had to," Megumi said. They were sitting in the dorm kitchen, waiting for Yuuta and Itadori to return from an errand. He was facing her while she had her head in her hands. "And you did the same. There was nothing else you could've done."
He almost sounded like the head of a clan when he spoke in that way. Though, there was no clan to be in charge of now. She'd taken care of that.
"You haven't visited Kugisaki in a while," he said when she didn't respond. "Ieiri-san asked when you'd be back."
"I won't be," Maki said. "She's going to die anyway." And there is nothing I can do to stop it.
"She's a fighter."
Maki let out a dry laugh.
"That's what Itadori said."
"Because it's true."
"It's been two months. Every day she gets closer to being dead. She's not coming back."
"She gets better when you're there," he said.
"Shut up."
"It's true, that's what Ieiri-san said. Zenin-senpai." The way he said her name made her look up at him. Megumi had a calm but serious expression on his face. "Would I lie to you about something like that?"
She didn't have to answer him; he already knew her answer. Megumi was not one to sugarcoat the truth. He was the only one she could trust in that aspect, even if it meant he'd break her heart in the process. Shoko-san must've given a hell of an argument if he believed that to be true. Maki clenched her hands into fists, her blunt nails digging into her skin. Guilt pooled in her stomach.
"I'll go see her tomorrow," she finally said.
Tomorrow came and Maki found herself sitting next to Nobara in that same chair, holding her cold hand once more. In the few weeks she hadn't come by, Nobara had lost some visible weight. Her cheeks were more hollow, her already thin hands more boney. Maki couldn’t describe how empty she felt. She clutched onto Nobara’s hand like it was the last thing tethering her to the world.
"I'm sorry," she said.
No response.
"Mai is dead. And it’s my fault.” Her breath hitched. The words were sticking to her throat. "She said she wasn't going to hold me back anymore."
Maki tightened her grip on Nobara's hand.
"I killed them. All of them. For her." She swallowed. “No. It was for me. I wanted them dead.”
Saying it out loud didn’t do anything to make her feel better. She wasn’t sure what she’d been expecting, acting as if Nobara’s bedside was her own personal confessional. She knew there would be no going back once she carried out her plan; this was her burden to bear. The weight of Mai’s death, of the Zenin clan’s destruction— all of it.
For the first time in a long while, Maki felt truly alone.
“I’m sorry.”
There wasn’t anything else she could say.
Maki sat there in silence, hunched over with her eyes closed. She was drowning in her pain and sorrow with no hope of ever dragging herself out. The darkest parts of her heart were so consuming that she almost didn’t notice the small twitches against her hand.
Maki’s eyes shot open and she held her breath. There was no indication of life or movement on Nobara’s face; she looked the same as she always did. Maki clenched her jaw. Had she been imagining it…?
She slowly began to loosen her grip on the younger girl’s hand.
Then she felt it again.
Nobara’s fingers moved, curling ever so slightly, as if not willing to let Maki go. Like she knew it was Maki holding her hand. Maki gave Nobara’s hand a gentle squeeze, testing for a reaction. The response was faint but there was no doubt that she was squeezing her hand back.
She let out a choked laugh, tears pooling in her eyes. She could almost hear Nobara’s voice again.
“It’s going to be okay, Maki-san.”
Coming from Nobara, it wasn’t hard to believe it.