Chapter Text
I
The first time you see him, the sky is golden.
The Scouts are returning from yet another fruitless expedition, and tensions are running high everywhere. It is hard to ignore the townspeople, with their sullen glares and their gnashing teeth and their biting comments, pouring forth from their lips like poison. You wince, and you are not even the one on the receiving end.
It isn’t their fault, you think. They’re doing the best that they can. They’re trying.
The soldiers ride by, their faces hidden by the hoods of their emerald-green cloaks, but you are close enough to the front line to see their expressions. Tears sparkle in the eyes of a fresh-faced youth, the ends of his chin-length blonde hair dancing as he sways back and forth. Frustrated fury blazes in the green eyes of the boy riding next to him, and you recoil even though his gaze is fixed on his own shaking hands.
No child should ever have that look in their eyes. And this is what most of them are- children, fighting a brutal war they cannot hope to win.
Your heart breaks for them, but you keep silent. There is nothing you can possibly do to ease their burden.
The majority of the procession has passed now, and three horses bring up the rear.
Even from a single glance, you can tell that these are not children. The way they sit, how the slope of their shoulders commands respect...these are seasoned warriors, the leaders of the Scouts. The ones who have survived the longest, and seen the worst.
The one in the middle is the tallest. As your gaze follows them, they throw their hood back.
Your sudden intake of breath is sharp and painful.
The sunlight reflects off bright gold hair, as striking as spun silk. The soldier has a strong aquiline nose and a squared jaw, making for a countenance that could almost be deemed arrogant if it weren’t for the expression on his face.
It is one of wistfulness, as though something he desires is hanging just out of reach.
The whispers of the crowd turn even more dark, and among the insults you hear snatches of a name.
Erwin. Erwin Smith.
This must be him, then. The famous Erwin Smith, Commander of the Survey Corps. Your lips shape his name, barely more than a whisper.
He turns as though he has heard it, and deep-set blue eyes meet yours for a moment.
You are too stunned to react. You feel like you have been rooted to the spot, with unimaginable consequences if you move.
His eyes flick away from you a second later and the spell is broken. You can breathe again.
You remain in the street long after the crowds have dissipated, gazing until the Scouts are nothing more than specks in the distance.
II
Weeks pass before you see Erwin Smith again.
Food deliveries need to be made to the Survey Corps headquarters and you volunteer to go without a second thought. You would be hard-pressed to pass up such an opportunity; to get away from the monotony of home and work, for one thing, and to see with your own eyes what the life of a Scout must be like.
It is certainly different from what you are used to.
Everyone here moves with purpose and precision. There is no wasted movement, no wasted breath. The bustle of activity may seem chaotic, but the madness is methodical.
With your precious cargo unloaded (and a significant amount of sweat drenching you in the process), you find yourself watching the younger members of the Survey Corps, training in a field beneath the blazing midday sun. It is hard work, and many of them hit the ground more than once. Even to your inexperienced eye, it is clear which of them have an aptitude for this sort of thing and which of them - woefully- do not. Your lips quirk into a half smile as a dark-haired girl sends a lanky brunette boy sprawling head first onto the grass, and then offers him a hand.
“Lost?”
You whirl, flailing blindly, and the back of your hand connects with something solid.
A surprised ocean blue gaze meets your own, and your heart drops into the pit of your stomach.
You have just hit the Commander of the Survey Corps squarely in the face.
“I’m so sorry!”
You must have hit him harder than you thought. A little bubble of blood is blossoming on his lower lip.
This is it, you think. I’ve really gone and done it now. I’ll be lucky if I escape with prison time.
Bushy eyebrows crinkle as he raises a hand to his mouth, and you realise that he is smiling.
“That was my fault,” he says smoothly. “I should have announced myself. My sincerest apologies.”
“Uh- here.” You withdraw a handkerchief from your sleeve and hold it out to him tentatively. His eyebrows go up in surprise.
“Are you sure? I’ll ruin it.”
“It’s the least I can do,” you say meekly, counting your lucky stars that you seem to have caught him in a good mood.
After his initial hesitation, he takes the handkerchief from you and dabs at his lower lip.
From afar, Erwin Smith is intimidating. Up close, he is larger than life, almost surreal.
His eyes widen suddenly.
“You,” he says. “I saw you, when we returned behind the walls.”
You blush in delighted surprise, despite yourself. How did he remember? It was only a glance, more than two weeks ago.
“What are you doing here?” His words are neither accusatory nor unkind. He genuinely wants to know.
“Food delivery,” you explain. “I brought in part of the latest shipment.”
“Ah. Are you here to prepare it as well?”
You shake your head, and Erwin nods thoughtfully.
“One of our cooks quit recently. A member of our Scouts has...ah, quite the appetite, and he found his working conditions to be rather demanding.”
You stare at him blankly, not sure where he’s going with this. Erwin seems to sense your confusion, and he smiles again.
“There is an opening here for a cook. It pays fairly well, and lodging is taken care of. If you are interested, of course. Although I should have asked if you can cook, first.”
You can, but you truly don’t know what to say. On one hand, you love the little house you’ve come to call home. The elderly woman and her grandson who live next door. Working with the farmers in your home town is tiring, but it’s a good, honest job. Despite the shadowy threat of the titans beyond the walls, your life is far more normal than most. On the other...this is all happening too fast. Erwin is looking at you expectantly.
“There’s a lot to consider,” you say softly. As though aware of what you were going to say, Erwin does not look the least bit surprised.
“Naturally. If you feel up to the job, send word to the Survey Corps. If not, no harm done. Just ensure that those food deliveries remain up to par.” His voice is light, and he bows slightly as he says them before turning to walk away.
“Commander,” you blurt out. His gaze flickers back over his shoulder. “You don’t even know my name.”
The corner of his mouth curves. “What is your name?”
You tell him.
By the time you shake yourself out of your daze, you are halfway back to your hometown.
III
You start work at the Survey Corps headquarters the next week.
Between the Scouts themselves and the officials that pass through on a daily basis, there are far too many people to keep track of. At the beginning, you don’t know anyone except Erwin, and he is not around that often.
Slowly but surely, the faces become familiar.
The soldier with the appetite that Erwin warned you about becomes, surprisingly, one of your favorites. Sasha Braus lavishes every dish you make with praise, and there is something about her that reminds you of your neighbor’s grandson- wild and brash, but lovable all the same. The young boy and girl you had seen training on your first visit to headquarters are Bertholdt Hoover and Mikasa Ackerman. Armin Arlert sits in the common area sometimes while you prepare ingredients, his nose buried in a book. At dinnertime, you can hear Jean Kirschtein bragging about how strong he’s becoming, all while sending furtive, longing glances in Mikasa’s direction when he thinks no one is looking.
At the end of the day, it is just as you suspected. They’re just children, and you are amused by their antics.
Of course, there are moments when you see a different side to them. You can hear Eren Jaeger crying out in his sleep sometimes, when you drag yourself to bed late at night. He has harnessed the power of a titan, you’ve been told, and you shudder to think of the physical and mental strain that must place on him. Sometimes Reiner Braun gets a strange, faraway look in his eyes, as though some invisible thing is coming to drag him away kicking and screaming. They are children, and they are terrified. You are terrified for them.
The adults are both different and the same. Hange Zoe is excited to meet you, but in a way that makes you feel more like a rare laboratory specimen than a human being. Still, it’s nice to be fussed over. Levi Ackerman, on the other hand (no relation to Mikasa, he says flatly) is small, sharp-tongued and colder than ice. You have heard of him, of course. Who hasn’t heard of humanity’s strongest soldier?
At first, the thought of interacting with all these people every single day scares you. You live with them, take care of them, observe them. They are all complex and intricate, and sometimes it can be overwhelming to think about. They have lives both inside and outside the walls, have seen things you are sure you cannot begin to imagine.
So you learn to speak to them the best way you know how- through your food.
And it works. You see it in Annie Leonhart and Mikasa’s small smiles when you slice up strawberries for fruit salad, in Sasha and Eren’s broad grins when dinner’s main course is meat and potatoes. Even Levi gives you a grudging compliment when you bring him a cup of freshly brewed tea. When he says it, your jaw almost hits the floor.
They learn your name, and you learn their stories.
Erwin, on the other hand, is different.
Whenever he is actually at headquarters, you rarely see him beyond a fleeting glimpse before he’s gone, shut up in his study with his plans. Occasionally he’ll stop by and say hello, but it's never much more than that. He doesn’t eat in the dining area with the others.
You know being the Commander of the Survey Corps is a full time job, but a small, vindictive part of you can’t help but wonder if it has something to do with you.
IV
Levi glances up as you set a fresh cup of tea on the table in front of him, careful to avoid the papers he’s looking at.
“Thank you,” he says flatly, but there is no malice behind it. That’s just Levi, as you have come to realize.
“Of course.” You turn to leave, fidgeting with the hem of your shirt, but Levi calls out to you again.
“Spit it out.”
“What?”
His lips twinge in annoyance, steely eyes flashing. “That look on your face. Either you want to ask me something, or you need to take a shit. I strongly doubt it’s the latter. Now out with it, before I change my mind.”
You take a deep breath, mustering up your courage.
“Does the Commander have a favorite dish?”
Levi’s thin eyebrows raise slightly. You can tell that this is not what he was expecting you to ask, and you can feel your ears burning in embarrassment.
“Never mind,” you say hurriedly, almost tripping over your own feet in an attempt to get out of the room. “Forget I said anything-”
Just before the door shuts behind you, you hear his response.
Two hours later, you find yourself standing in front of the door to the Commander’s study, covered plate in hand.
Your heart is pounding faster than it should be, and you’re not quite sure why. The worst thing Erwin can say is that he doesn’t want it, right?
Hopefully this wasn’t Levi’s idea of a prank.
You raise your hand to knock, and then lower it.
If I just walk away now, I won’t stand any chance of making a fool of myself. The only person who would know anything is Levi, and-
The door opens just then and you nearly drop the plate altogether.
It’s late at night, but Erwin is still fully dressed, not a hair out of place. There are dark circles beneath his eyes, but he cracks a confused smile at the sight of you.
“What are you doing awake this late at night? You should be resting, replenishing your energy for tomorrow. Your job is far from an easy one.”
Despite your efforts, you giggle. “ Replenishing my energy ? That’s a very old-man thing to say, Commander.”
His lips part in surprise, but his response is smooth. “But I am an old man.”
“You’re not much older than I am,” you point out. “Are you calling me old?”
“Wouldn’t dream of it. What can I do for you?”
Ever the Commander, right to business. Caught up in the banter, you’ve almost forgotten why you’ve come in the first place.
“I made you something,” you say, holding the plate out to him. He lifts the cover off of it, and his blue eyes go wide.
“Coffee cake,” he says. “How did you know?”
“I didn’t,” you lie, looking away sheepishly as he raises an eyebrow at you. The intensity of his gaze is burning, and you realize that Erwin could coax secrets out of a brick wall with those eyes.
“Fine, I asked Captain Ackerman and he told me.”
Erwin bursts into laughter. “ Levi told you? Our Levi? ”
“Yes,” you say indignantly. Is it that difficult for Erwin to believe?
His voice softens as he takes the plate from your hands. “I knew you would be a valuable addition to headquarters,” he says. “You make everyone around you feel comfortable.”
You would blush at his words, even if you weren’t utterly distracted by the fact that his fingertips had just touched yours. His hands are calloused and warm.
“Thank you for the cake,” Erwin says, smiling. “You did not have to go to such lengths. It’s late now. You should rest.”
You nod, the dismissal stinging slightly, but you head to your room all the same. When you fall asleep that night, it is with Erwin’s deep voice ringing in your ears.
V
Every night after that, when you take Levi his customary cup of tea, you bring Erwin a slice of coffee cake. He is honey-sweet and charming, ever the perfect gentleman, but there is always an unbridgeable gap between you both that you can never seem to cross. He hovers forever out of reach, your fingertips barely skimming his.
VI
You have grown to love your life with the Survey Corps, but the universe is there to serve you with a grim reminder - happiness should be treasured, because it is temporary.
The latest mission of the Scouts has unearthed a traitor in humanity’s midst, and it is none other than Annie Leonhart. Annie, who was harsh at best, disdainful at worst. Annie, who hid her smirk behind her hand when you arranged her strawberries in the shape of a smiling face. Annie, the Female Titan, who almost kidnapped Eren and killed countless others in cold blood.
It is heartbreaking to know, and even more so to see the reactions of her comrades. The blissful camaraderie that had been nurtured among these children is fractured now, and you worry about them. Especially Eren, whose burning hatred for titans has been stirred into an inferno. When you look into his eyes, you do not recognize the boy glaring back.
Levi is colder than ever; Annie shattered his ankle in one of her attacks, and you know the injury still bothers him more than he will ever admit out loud. Before Annie’s betrayal was revealed, she slaughtered Sawney and Bean, the two titans that Hange had brought into her care. Hange still tears up when anyone mentions their names.
You knock on Erwin’s door, palms clammy. You do not know what to expect.
“Come in.”
You slip into the room and shut the door behind you.
The study is just as you remember, all dark colors and tones and walls lined with dusty books.
Erwin is sitting at his desk, and he looks up as you walk in. There is no trace of his winning smile today, and you cannot blame him.
“I brought you something to eat,” you say gently, as though talking to a skittish animal. “May I?”
His gaze follows your outstretched hand, and he nods. You shift the papers on his desk to one side and set the tray down. It’s the usual- a slice of coffee cake, and a steaming cup of tea.
You want to ask how he’s doing, if he’s alright, but you already know the answer to that question. How could he be?
You begin walking to the door, suddenly anxious to put distance between you both. The air in the room crackles with unspoken tension.
“There are titans in the walls.”
You freeze in your tracks. There is no way you heard him correctly.
“What did you say?”
“There are titans within the walls. Thousands of Colossal Titans.”
Colossal Titans, like the one that shattered the outermost wall all those years ago. The one that aided in the destruction of Eren, Armin and Mikasa’s home. Thousands of them.
Your vision goes blurry, but you fight to remain upright. He is the one who faces these things every single day, and he does so without complaint. You think that it would be unbecoming to fall apart in front of him.
“Titans have been spotted roaming within the walls too,” Erwin says gravely, staring at the cup of tea, and your heart seizes painfully in your chest. “The Scouts have been dispatched, they’re out trying to warn people.”
“Have the walls been breached again?” Your voice sounds tremulous, even to yourself.
“No sign of anything like that yet, but we don’t know where they’re coming from.”
You stumble a little, despite your best efforts. It hurts to breathe.
Erwin finally looks up, and he seems to realize what he has been saying and the effect it is having on you.
“I should not have told you that.”
He is off the chair and in front of you in four strides, and when he puts his arms around you, you close your eyes and bury your hands in the back of his shirt.
“I apologize, Commander.” Your words are muffled into his chest. Erwin is solid and warm and comforting, and he smells like night air and smoke. “You must think I am a coward, going weak-kneed at the mere mention of titans.”
“Of course not.” His words stir the hair on top of your head, and the steady sound of his heartbeat fills your ears. “Any sane person would feel the same.”
Do you feel the same, Commander? You think. Are you scared?
Part of you already knows the answer to that, so you remain silent, breathing him in.
When Erwin draws back, his eyes are both knowing and sad.
“I think it would be best if you went back to your hometown. The Survey Corps headquarters may not be safe for you much longer.”
Shock floods you. “What? No, I can’t leave! I- The Scouts, who will-”
“Listen to me,” he says, and it is the Commander’s voice he speaks with this time. In that instant, you are sure Erwin knows more than he is letting on.
“Commander, I can’t-”
“My dear,” he says softly, his gaze sincere,“you’re fired.”
And he leans down and kisses you once on your frozen cheek, his lips barely touching your skin.
It is only when you leave the room that you realize Erwin's body was trembling.
On your last night at the Survey Corps headquarters, you cry yourself to sleep.
VII
The government is overthrown, and the world is plunged into absolute chaos for a time.
At least, that is what you hear. The dirty politics of the inner walls have little to no effect on the daily life of a small town.
You lie awake at night, consumed with worry and desperate for any kind of news. In a mind-boggling turn of events, Christa- little adorable Christa- is to be crowned Queen of Paradis.
Not Christa anymore , you think wryly. Queen Historia Reiss.
You think about the other children, about the Captain and Hange. You think about the Commander, and then feel inexplicably guilty for doing so.
To your utter surprise, news comes one day in the form of a letter from Levi and Hange. You’re wanted back at the Survey Corps headquarters, and your old job is waiting for you. If you want it.
You can’t get there fast enough.
VIIII
Levi greets you as he usually does- with a single curt nod. Coming from him, it is as warm as a hug. Hange ruffles your hair, their eyes gleaming maniacally.
One by one, all the others trickle by the kitchens to see you. Sasha stops by first, and you reward her with a piece of cured meat and a conniving smile. Armin waves, but there is something broken in his gaze. To your surprise, Jean awkwardly asks you for a hug. Connie grins at you as he walks in for dinner. Eren and Mikasa are quiet and reserved.
The rest are gone- traitors, you’re told. Annie is still imprisoned in a strange crystal resin she somehow shielded herself with. Reiner and Bertholdt dealt the strongest blow of all...they were the Armored Titan and the Colossal Titan, destroyers of the wall. You don't know how to feel when you hear that. They have left empty, ragged spaces behind them, imprints that can never be filled again.
Ymir, Historia’s self-proclaimed sworn protector, was a titan too. Where her alliance was, no one is truly sure.
Three titans, within the Survey Corps itself. Three of your children, gone. And that was what they were, not soldiers, not Scouts - children. You were the only person they could be children around, apart from each other.
The shock of their betrayal has not yet set in, but you have no doubt that it will. Now you know exactly what ghosts were haunting Reiner.
On the other hand, the one person you have been aching to see has not come to you.
“He doesn’t want to visit you yet,” Hange says when you ask. “He’s not ready.”
It’s hard to hide the hurt on your face when she says the words, but you nod.
After five days of similar behavior, though, you’re utterly sick of it. Your patience has worn thin.
You knock sharply on Erwin’s door, three times.
“Levi?” His voice echoes through the wood, and your heart skips a beat at the sound of it. “Is that you? Come in, then-”
You throw the door open and halt in your tracks.
In the lamplight, Erwin’s face is shadowy. A bed has been moved into his study; he is half roused out of it, the thin blanket pooling around his waist. He is not wearing a shirt.
The upper half of his body is swathed in bandages, and he is missing an arm.
All the air seems to have been sucked out of your lungs, and then it goes rushing back in as he says your name.
His hair is unkempt and ruffled, and there are the beginnings of stubble on his cheeks and chin. He looks comfortingly familiar and painfully alien at the same time.
“Is this why you didn’t come visit me? Why you told Hange you weren’t ready?” You say roughly, swallowing the lump in your throat.
“I didn’t want you to have to see me like this,” he says, and you feel a rush of vindictive delight at the shame that crosses his face.
“Is that it? So you were just never going to see me again?”
He says nothing.
“Do you know,” you spit, practically vibrating with anger now, “do you know how worried I was about everyone? How scared I was? Did you stop to think, that maybe after all this time and all those rumors flying around, that I would want to see you, no matter what condition you were in? Answer me, Commander!”
Dimly, you are aware of the fact that this is your superior, that you should not be speaking to him in such a manner. Right now, you care not for authority nor propriety.
“Do you really think so low of me, Erwin?” His head whips up as you say his name, and shock flashes in the icy blue gaze. “Do you really think I’d consider you lesser because you lost an arm?”
You wipe furiously at your eyes.
“That was an awful thing to do, Commander. You’ll be lucky if I ever make that damned cake for you again.”
He swallows, his throat bobbing, and holds out his hand to you.
You reach for it, still roiling with white-hot anger, and he pulls you into an embrace, a muffled gasp escaping his lips.
His skin is feverish to the touch, or perhaps your body is just cold. He buries his face in your neck as the rough material of the bandages tickles the tips of your fingers.
“Forgive me,” Erwin murmurs. “Please forgive me.”
“You’re a fool,” you mutter, but you pull him closer all the same.
X
You are roused one night by a sharp knock on your door. In a state of sleep-addled confusion, you pull on your nightgown with one hand and open it.
Levi and Hange are standing there. Hange looks worried, and Levi’s lips are pursed.
“Captain,” you say groggily. “Hange. What-”
“It’s Erwin,” Hange says, and you are suddenly wide awake.
The three of you walk in tense silence to the Commander’s room.
“It’s fever,” Levi says in a low voice somewhere near your elbow. “Hange found him like this.”
Erwin’s body is drenched in sweat. His skin is ghastly pale in the lamplight, and his eyelids are fluttering madly. He mutters something inaudible, and his features twist into a pained expression.
“He’s delirious,” Hange says. For once, they don't sound like they are conducting a new experiment. There is real worry in their voice, and you suddenly remember that this man is not only their commander but their friend too.
“Serves him right, stubborn as he is,” Levi says haughtily, but you know him better than he thinks. You don’t miss the quiver of his chin, the infinitesimal glance in your direction. Two spots of color appear high on his cheeks when he notices you looking at him, but you say nothing. Now is not the time.
They have come to you because they need your help.
"Captain Ackerman," you say, as calmly as you can, "can you please fetch me a basin of cool water? And a few washcloths?"
You expect him to challenge you for giving him orders or at the very least to deliver a snide remark, but he embarks on his mission without a word of complaint. Hange hovers uncertainly over your shoulder.
The silence is broken only by the sputtering of the lamp, and Erwin's mutterings. You kneel by the side of the bed and lay a comforting hand on his arm.
"Commander," you murmur, ignoring the pounding of your own heart, "you will be alright."
His eyelashes flutter again. It is barely more than an exhale, but you swear that he says your name.
At the very least, his body seems to stop thrashing as much as before.
"You must be thinking," Hange says suddenly, "that I should be good at this sort of thing, with all the experiments I regularly conduct."
You're not sure where they're going with this, so you wait for them to continue, your eyes never leaving Erwin's face.
"In the Survey Corps," Hange says darkly, "there are two extremes. Life, or death. Out there, beyond the walls...there is no in between. Either you survive, or you don't." They sit down on a chair next to the bed. "I think that I've seen so much of both extremes that I've forgotten what it's like to see someone hovering in the middle. Someone who can be brought back from that brink, or driven away forever depending on what is done to them."
You want to reach for them, to comfort them, but their eyes are so far away that you hesitate.
"If Erwin dies, I become commander," they say matter of factly, meeting your gaze as you turn to look at them. "I...I'm not ready for that to happen yet. What if I can't live up to his standards?"
Erwin's breathing is slightly steadier than before. You think carefully for a moment before you respond.
"Well...if you were to become Commander, Hange, it would not be a matter of whether you could live up to Erwin's standards. You're clever, ingenious, and one of the most intelligent people I've ever met." You give them a smile, despite the considerable effort it takes to do so. "You are in a league of your very own."
Their lips part in surprise, their eyes shining, but before they can say anything Levi walks in with a basin of water and clean cloths slung over his shoulders.
With a grateful nod, you take the items from him and begin your work, blushing a little when you have to unbutton Erwin's nightshirt (especially with an audience). You dab at his throat and chest, wiping the burning sweat away, and lay a cool cloth across his forehead. His skin is soft and tanned from all that time riding in the sun.
"You two can leave, if you'd like," you say gently as you wring out the washcloth. "This is a tedious process."
But they insist upon staying.
When Erwin's fever breaks, it is almost daylight, and you are exhausted beyond belief. Hange has fallen asleep in Erwin's chair, their light snores occasionally permeating the air. Levi hasn't shut his eyes, not even once.
"Still having trouble sleeping, aren't you," you say over your shoulder. Levi is leaning against Erwin's desk, arms crossed. "I'll make you some of that special tea again. I know it helped last time.”
"It's none of your concern," he snaps, but he glances away as he says it. You know he's grateful.
"He cares about you," Levi says suddenly, and you are rooted to the ground in shock.
"What?"
Levi scoffs, his lip curling. "He'll never say it, but you deserve to know after breaking your back sponging sweat off him for hours. He does care. And...we are grateful for you. For taking care of him, and all of us."
"I-" You struggle to find words. "I, er-"
"Tch," Levi spits, throwing his hands up into the air. "This is a waste of my time." And he vanishes out the door without another word.
XI - Two Weeks Later
Levi throws the door to your bedroom open with a bang, and you nearly jump out of your skin.
“Captain Ackerman! What-”
“Go to that man’s room,” he snaps, and you realize that he is beyond angry- he is seething . “Go to that fool’s room right now and let him tell you what he plans to do tomorrow. Once he does that, slap some sense into him.”
And he storms off, leaving your door wide open.
Your jaw hangs open as you stare into the empty hallway. There is only one person 'that man' could mean.
You don’t even bother to knock when you get to Erwin’s study. There is no need.
Erwin is sitting on his bed, putting on a night shirt, and he looks up as you walk in and shut the door behind you.
“Let me,” you say.
He leans forward obediently, and you ignore the heat rising in your cheeks as you begin to fasten the buttons. You can feel Erwin’s eyes on you as you work, and you fight the urge to hide your face in your hands. Your fingertips still as he runs his palm up your forearm and lightly catches your wrist.
“Levi told you something,” He murmurs. It is not a question.
There is no hiding anything from this man, it would seem. You wonder where to begin.
“Commander...what are you planning to do?”
His grip tightens on your wrist, and you chance a glimpse at his face. For the first time since you’ve known him, he looks truly angry. It is a sight to behold, and you recoil even though it is not directed at you.
“He wouldn’t,” Erwin says, half to himself. “He wouldn’t use you against me like that.” His eyes squeeze shut, and your worry intensifies.
“Commander, what are you talking about?”
The words seem to be fighting to spill out of his mouth. You cover his palm with your own, and hold on tightly.
“Erwin,” you say gently, “if you trust me, you can tell me.”
His expression is nothing short of agonized, and you begin to wonder if you made the right choice right as he opens his mouth.
“The Scouts have an upcoming mission. They will be returning to Shiganshina District tomorrow, in an attempt to re-seal the wall.”
You wait for him to continue with bated breath.
“I will be leading the mission.”
Your mind, which has been racing a mile a minute, suddenly goes blank.
“But- your arm. You're not fully healed. Can you fight titans like that? What if-”
His eyes meet yours and you realize that he has thought about all of these things, and you both know the answers. This is it. This is the final mission that Erwin has no intention of returning from.
You know it, Levi knows it, Erwin knows it, but you say it all the same.
“But Erwin,” you say, your voice cracking, “you’ll die.”
He has the audacity to smile. “Levi arrived at the same conclusion, though he said it far less nicely.”
Your head is spinning, but Erwin continues.
“You have to understand,” he says firmly. “I want my death to mean something. There is something- possibly the key to saving all of humanity- waiting in a basement in Shiganshina district, and I want to be the one to find it. I know that is selfish of me, but I want to be there when it happens. So many of my comrades have died for this...I owe it to them to be there.”
Your body is going numb, but you nod in assent.
The Commander looks truly surprised at that. “I thought you would fight me on this. I was certain that Levi sent you here to try to convince me to stay behind, or did he not-?”
I understand, you want to say. I understand because it’s you, and I know you. I know that you have humanity’s best interests at heart, and I know that forcing you to stay here and do nothing, to stay safe, would be condemning you to a fate worse than death. I won’t fight you, even if it breaks my heart.
But you cannot get the words out, so you put your hands on either side of Erwin’s face and kiss him, tears running down your cheeks. His lips are soft, and he tastes like the cup of tea he must have just drunk.
When you pull away, you wipe the tears where they have smudged onto his face.
“I know better than to do what Captain Ackerman sent me here to do. I will never, ever ask you to choose between your mission and me, Commander,” you whisper, “because I know which one you will choose, and I don’t want to be hurt any more than I already am.”
His hand finds its way beneath your chin and he presses his lips to yours again, swift and fierce. "You have to know. I need you to know that it was never my intention to hurt you. Please, you have to understand that. I tried to keep my distance, in the hope that it would get easier with time, but…”
“...it didn’t,” you finish for him.
“It didn’t,” he agrees.
“So this is it, then," you whisper. "And you leave tomorrow?”
“We do. At dawn.”
“Would you have told me, if Levi didn't?"
He runs a sheepish hand through his hair. "I wrote you a letter."
A single letter would never have been enough. You silently thank whatever is out there beyond the stars for Captain Levi Ackerman, and then you curse it for abandoning humanity to a fate such as this one. To a fate where lives must be sacrificed willingly for the greater good.
"I know you are doing what you think is right," you say, your voice barely more than a whisper. "But I wish it didn't have to be this way."
The look on Erwin's face is a blotchy mixture of guilt and pity, and you hate it. This is not the way you want to remember him.
"Commander Smith," you say, with as much authority as you can muster, "please kiss me."
Erwin's thumb traces a line across your cheek and he tilts his head to one side. "Are you quite sure? Is this what you want?" You hear the unspoken question loud and clear. There will be no ‘us’ when the morning comes. There will be no happy ending. There will be no forever.
You nod vehemently, feeling tears well up again. “I’m sure. I’d rather have you for a glorious, fleeting heartbeat, than not have you at all.”
When he kisses you again, it is with more longing than before, and your fingers curl into the silky softness of his hair.
Some people burn far too bright, for far too short a time.
His mouth moves across your cheek, soothing and careful, to the tip of your jaw, to the sensitive hollow at the base of your neck. A sharp noise escapes your lips at the sudden sensation.
You reach for the buttons on his shirt as he kisses your collarbone, slow and languorous and smouldering-hot. The fabric glides off his shoulders, and Erwin hums in approval as you trace the sharp lines of his chest and stomach.
Careful and precise as ever, Erwin nuzzles into the crook of your neck, pressing feather-light kisses to your skin.
Deft fingers undo the laces of your nightshirt, and then Erwin's hand wanders aimlessly downward.
You tense against him as his thumb brushes over your chest, feather-light, and then he retraces the path with the tip of his tongue.
"Lie back for me," he says, his voice a quiet rumble. "You work so hard to make everyone here happy. Let me take care of you , for once."
He kisses a trail down your body, his palm splaying out over your abdomen until he finds his destination.
His mouth moves against you and your hips flex of their own accord. Erwin hums his laughter into you, and you nearly arch right off the bed at the sensation.
Just as you feel yourself about to fall over the edge, you tug on his hair. The sight of him looking up at you from between your legs, eyes dark, is almost too much for you to bear.
Not yet.
"I want you," you breathe. "Your turn."
He nods in understanding, stands up and unbuttons his trousers, letting them slide to the floor.
Erwin is...well endowed, to say the least.
You scramble off the bed and drop to your knees in front of him. Already, Erwin is breathing hard, and you haven't even touched him yet.
He bites his lip hard when you press a kiss to the tip of him, looking right into his eyes as you do it. When you take him into your mouth, swirling your tongue as you do it, his hips stutter.
Erwin makes delightfully obscene noises, unabashedly. He whines and groans out praise, his hand twining into your hair as he hits the back of your throat.
"Enough," he chokes out finally, and you release him from the confines of your mouth. "I've wanted...I want…"
The clever Erwin Smith, who has a comeback and an explanation for everything, is at a loss for words. You have made him this way.
You throw yourself backwards onto the bed. Erwin growls and moves so that his body is right above yours.
"Are you alright?" He asks, hovering over you, propped up on his arm. "Are you sure?"
"Yes," you whisper, "and yes."
Slowly, carefully, he moves inside you. He is heartbreakingly gentle, his hips rocking in time with yours. You feel the full weight of his body pressing into you for a moment as his hand moves to intertwine itself with yours.
"Don't stop," you hum into his ear. "Right there." He seems to know exactly what to do, exactly where to go.
"I must be mad," he chokes out as you rake your nails across his back. "Insane to leave you. To leave this. What is wrong with me?"
The muscles in your lower abdomen contract, and you know you're close. From the way Erwin moans as he props himself up over you again, he is too.
"I'm going to...I can't hold it back anymore," he whimpers.
You press a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Then don't, Commander."
His arm wraps around your lower back, pulling you into his lap so that you are sitting astride him, legs wrapped around his waist. You grind your hips into him, once, twice, and then release finds you both. Erwin’s eyes roll back, and you kiss him again, pouring every unspoken word into it.
"I'm sorry," he pants into your ear. "That is all I ever seem to say to you."
When he has regained some semblance of his senses, you both slump forward onto the bed, utterly spent. Erwin drags your body closer to him, pressing soft kisses to your temple.
"Thank you," he murmurs against your skin. "For knowing me. For taking that job when I offered it. For taking care of the Survey Corps, in a way I never could. If there is anything you want, before I- if it is in my power to grant it, it is yours."
You remain silent for a moment more, savoring the feel of his broad chest against your back.
"Will you remember me, when the time comes?"
There is no hesitation in his response. "I will."
You settle into him, waves of exhaustion running through you, but you fight to stay awake as long as you possibly can, to treasure these last few hours. All the time in the world will never be enough.
"I don't want to say... that ," he whispers suddenly into the dimness of the room. "If I say those words, it will break your heart."
"Erwin," you say ruefully, running your fingers along his arm, "you've already broken my heart. It doesn't make a difference now whether you say it or not. I think I already know."
You hear his sharp intake of breath.
"And you...do you...me?"
"Yes," you say, and a weight leaves your chest with your answer. "For quite some time."
There is a gentle pressure as his body curls around yours, and before you know it, you fall into dreamless sleep.
XII
When you wake the next day, you are alone in the bed, and you know you will never see Erwin Smith again.
Without him, the pillows are strange and cold. The nightshirt he was wearing is folded near the foot of the bed, and you bury your face in it and inhale his familiar scent, trying to tattoo it into your memory.
The sunlight is blindingly bright and you absolutely hate it. It should be awful and gloomy and the sun should go out forever, because Erwin is gone. Your friends, your children, they're all gone. It is time for you to leave too; you cannot stay here much longer. You don't want to, anymore. There’s nothing left.
Your eyes fall upon an envelope on the table. Your name is written on it.
Wrapping the blankets around your shoulders, you shuffle over to the table and pick it up. The script is undeniably Erwin's- perfectly neat and level.
With numb fingers, you open it. There are two items inside.
The first is a very familiar handkerchief- one you had given to him so long ago, the first time you had actually spoken to each other. It's been washed and neatly ironed, and your fingers tremble as you set it down.
The second is a folded letter.
You open it and burst into tears the minute you read the first line.
The first time I saw you, Erwin has written, the sky was golden.